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AMY:<i> I'm Amy Mitchell, </i>

2
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<i>and I'm a mom. </i>

3
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<i>I had my first kid </i>

4
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<i>when I was 20 years old, </i>

5
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<i>and I've been </i>

6
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<i>running late ever since. </i>

7
00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:07,192
<i>My days are filled with </i>

8
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{\an1}<i>dropping the kids at school... </i>

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- Love you.

10
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-<i> ...then racing to work </i>

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<i>where I have meeting, </i>

12
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{\an1}<i>after meeting, after meeting. </i>

13
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<i>I usually end up eating</i>

14
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<i>a shitty lunch at my desk, </i>

15
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<i>and I try to work out </i>

16
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<i>once a week. </i>

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(SIGHS)

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<i>Why do I suck at Zumba? </i>

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<i>Most days I race back </i>

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{\an1}<i>to school for the kids' plays, </i>

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<i>and poetry readings </i>

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<i>and class projects... </i>

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- Mom!

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{\an1}-<i> ...which I'm always late for. </i>

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(MOUTHING) Sorry.

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{\an1}<i>And then there's PTA meetings,</i>

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<i>and volunteering and </i>

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<i>parent-teacher conferences. </i>

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<i>Jesus, Miss Wiggins </i>

30
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<i>fuckin' hates me. </i>

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<i>At least once a day </i>

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<i>I feel like the worst mom </i>

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<i>in the world, </i>

34
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<i>and I cry in my car. </i>

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(WAILING)

36
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<i>Then I shuttle the kids </i>

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<i>to piano lessons </i>

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<i>and soccer games </i>

39
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<i>and dance classes</i>

40
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<i>and doctors' appointments, </i>

41
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<i>before my daily trip </i>

42
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<i>to the grocery store. </i>

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Ugh.

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<i>This chick seems like</i>

45
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{\an1}<i>she's got it all figured out. </i>

46
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<i>But I feel like</i>

47
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,958
{\an1}<i>I'm screwing up all the time. </i>

48
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<i>Still, I love being a mom. </i>

49
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Here, baby.

50
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There's your organic

51
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turkey club sandwich,

52
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and Dylan,

53
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here's your peanut-free

54
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peanut butter for lunch.

55
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- What's peanut-free

56
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peanut butter?

57
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- I have no idea.

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Baby, here's your American

59
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history project I made you.

60
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I hope you like it.

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I love you. I love you!

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- Oh, my God, Mom!

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Not so loud! My God.

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- I love my babies so much!

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Yeah, they hate me.

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- Hey, Amy!

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- Hey, guys.

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- God, I just don't know

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how you do it.

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You just leave your kids

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all day and go to work?

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You're so strong.

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- Yeah, thank you.

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- Don't you miss them?

75
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- I do. But I also need,

76
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like, money.

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- Right.

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STACY: Hmm.

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{\an5}- Oh, gosh, you guys,

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I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

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I'm really late to work.

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- Well, you're always late.

83
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- I know.

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{\an1}It's basically the only thing

85
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I'm good at these days.

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See you guys later.

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- God, I just love

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how hard she works.

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- Oh! Oh, my God,

90
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I love how hard she works.

91
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- I just fuckin'

92
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said that, Vicky.

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AMY:<i> I work at a super-hip </i>

94
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<i>coffee company. </i>

95
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<i>I love my job, </i>

96
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<i>but I'm 32 years old </i>

97
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<i>and I'm the oldest person </i>

98
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<i>here by far. </i>

99
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<i>Most of these dudes</i>

100
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{\an1}<i>just play Ping-Pong all day. </i>

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TESSA: Morning, Momma.

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AMY: Morning, Tessa.

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{\an1}- Oh, my God, I am so fucking

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{\an1}hungover I might actually die.

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(CHUCKLES)

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- That's probably something

107
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{\an1}you shouldn't tell your boss.

108
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- Oh.

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{\an1}Right. Except that I took like

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a shitload of pills

111
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this morning,

112
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so I don't totally know

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where I am yet.

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- You're at work, Tess.

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- Oh, perfect.

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- Yeah.

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- May I have a vacation?

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I'd like to go to Cuba.

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Is that allowed?

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- No.

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- Good morning.

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TESSA: Hey, boss!

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- Good morning, Dale.

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- I had a dream last night.

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- Ooh.

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- I was naked in a hotel.

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I'm talkin' fully naked,

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dick, balls...

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- Yep, got it.

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- No glasses. Everything,

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fully fucking naked.

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- We got it.

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- I walk over

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to the coffee maker

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and there is a bag of

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{\an1}our coffee in the hotel room.

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- Cool dream, Dale.

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- Thank you, Tessa.

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(CHUCKLES)

140
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- Um...

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Is this your way

142
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of saying that

143
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you wanna start selling

144
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your coffee to hotels, now?

145
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{\an1}- No. This is my way of saying

146
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that I want you

147
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to start selling

148
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our coffee to hotels now.

149
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{\an1}- But, Dale, I'm already running

150
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sales for supermarkets,

151
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airlines, and restaurants.

152
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I mean, I'm just part-time.

153
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- You are? Since when?

154
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- Six years ago!

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(LAUGHS) What? No way.

156
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She's here like every day.

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(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know,

158
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but I have a family

159
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and stuff, so...

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{\an1}- Hey! You know how important

161
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family is to me.

162
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I got it wrote

163
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,233
on my arm right there.

164
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It's dope, right?

165
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AMY: Oh, wow.

166
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- So tight.

167
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- Oh, shit!

168
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I gotta go roller skating.

169
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Do you wanna come?

170
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- Yes!

171
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- No, Dale!

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I have lots of work to do.

173
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{\an1}- The History Channel was right.

174
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You guys are

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the greatest generation.

176
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{\an1}AMY:<i> I live just outside of </i>

177
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<i>Chicago with my two kids, </i>

178
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<i>my dog and my husband Mike. </i>

179
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<i>He's a successful </i>

180
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,798
<i>mortgage broker, </i>

181
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,383
<i>but sometimes</i>

182
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{\an1}<i>he feels like my third child. </i>

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- Hey, babe.

184
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- Hey, ba... Oh! (CHUCKLES)

185
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Look at all the bags you're

186
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carryin'. That's hilarious.

187
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You look like a Sherpa.

188
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- Oh, you guys. Thank you

189
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for being super patient.

190
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I appreciate it.

191
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(GROANS) Here we go, guys.

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- MIKE: Thanks, honey.

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{\an1}- All right, love. How was work?

194
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{\an1}- Oh, I had two conference calls

195
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and then I took a nap.

196
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It was exhausting.

197
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- I bet. I bet.

198
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Uh, Dylan, baby,

199
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how was your science quiz?

200
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- Oh, I got a D.

201
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{\an1}- A D? But we worked so hard.

202
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Baby, what happened?

203
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Do you need extra help?

204
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Should we get you

205
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another tutor?

206
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- Mmm, nah, I'm good.

207
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- Mike?

208
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Did you hear? Dylan got a D

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on his science quiz.

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- Way to go, bud.

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- What? Okay.

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Um...

213
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Jane! Oh, my gosh!

214
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Wait! How was

215
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,352
your soccer tryouts?

216
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(SIGHS)

217
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,230
- Coach is posting a list

218
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,107
of who made the team

219
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,107
tonight at 9:00,

220
00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:59,151
and I'm so nervous.

221
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:00,735
{\an5}- Baby, it's okay, relax.

222
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{\an1}You will make the soccer team,

223
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I promise.

224
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:02,863
Just don't freak out.

225
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(GASPS) I'm freakin' out.

226
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- I am, too.

227
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,827
- What time is it now?

228
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,827
- 8:59.

229
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(SIGHS)

230
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- Come on!

231
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,496
(COMPUTER DINGS)

232
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,498
- Oh! It's 9:00! It's 9:00.

233
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,498
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

234
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,252
{\an1}- Oh, my God. I made the team.

235
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,252
(SQUEALS) I made the team!

236
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,837
{\an1}- Oh, my God. I am so relieved.

237
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,588
(WHISPERS) Thank you.

238
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,588
- Oh, my God.

239
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,966
(GASPS)

240
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,966
{\an1}- Baby, I'm so proud of you!

241
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,801
Oh, I'm so excited.

242
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,801
- Oh, my God.

243
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,512
{\an1}This is gonna look so awesome

244
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,512
on my college applications.

245
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,556
{\an1}- Baby, it's great, it's great,

246
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,225
but just remember

247
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,225
you're only 12, so it's...

248
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:32,267
- Wait.

249
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:33,894
What if I don't play?

250
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,813
What if I'm a loser

251
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,813
benchwarmer scrub?

252
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,440
{\an1}- You're great, you're gonna

253
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,440
be fine, you're...

254
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,068
- No! It's not fine, Mom.

255
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,569
Do you understand

256
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,569
how hard it is

257
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,279
to get into an Ivy League

258
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,279
school now?

259
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,698
{\an1}I mean, they turn away Asians.

260
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,950
{\an1}- That's a little racist, but...

261
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,245
- Oh, my God! I need

262
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,245
to practice my footwork.

263
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,579
{\an1}Why'd you let me eat dessert?

264
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,831
Oh, I know,

265
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,831
because you hate me!

266
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- Holy shit.

267
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,593
Hey, babe. It's late.

268
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,593
I'm gonna go to bed.

269
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,677
- No.

270
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,512
(GASPS)

271
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,512
- Oh, my God, are you...

272
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:12,182
- No, no, no, I was just

273
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:12,182
checking my prostate.

274
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,518
{\an1}- You know, I've always wondered

275
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,518
what kind of porn you like.

276
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,020
- Why won't this

277
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,020
fucking window close?

278
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,313
(GASPS)

279
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,399
- Oh, my God,

280
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,399
that's a giant bush!

281
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,525
{\an1}-<i> Uh, who the hell are you? </i>

282
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,196
- I'm his wife.

283
00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:27,281
-<i> Oh, shit. </i>

284
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,575
{\an1}- Are you masturbating online

285
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,575
with some chick?

286
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,868
- No, no!

287
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,120
- Well, then,

288
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,120
what are you doing?

289
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,913
(STAMMERING)

290
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,913
- Uh, um...

291
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,164
{\an1}I was clicking and then I...

292
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,875
so then I was...

293
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:41,002
{\an1}Yes, okay, I was masturbating

294
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:41,002
online with some chick.

295
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,463
- What the fuck!

296
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,463
Why are you doing that?

297
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:44,881
- Hold on a second.

298
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,341
I don't think I've done

299
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,341
anything wrong.

300
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,343
This is totally

301
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,343
mainstream now.

302
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,803
-<i> Hi, I'm Sharon. </i>

303
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,888
- I don't know,

304
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,888
I don't know, Mike.

305
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,309
This really feels

306
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,309
like cheating.

307
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,684
- No, no, no, no, no,

308
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,561
this is definitely

309
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,561
not cheating, honey.

310
00:07:58,603 --> 00:07:59,854
{\an1}I've never even touched her.

311
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,523
Her giant bush

312
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,523
is 2,000 miles away.

313
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,610
- But how long

314
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,610
have you been doing this?

315
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,487
{\an1}- Oh, I don't know. Not long.

316
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:08,989
-<i> Ten months next Friday. </i>

317
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:10,907
(MOUTHING): What the fuck?

318
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,409
- Ten months?

319
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,497
{\an1}Do you have feelings for her?

320
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,166
(EXHALES)

321
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,085
{\an1}- You don't masturbate online

322
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,085
with someone for 10 months

323
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,503
without developing

324
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,503
some feelings.

325
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:24,921
I mean, I'm not a monster.

326
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:27,257
- Do you have

327
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:27,257
feelings for her, Mike?

328
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:30,385
- Yes! Okay?

329
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:30,385
{\an1}I have feelings for her! God!

330
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,053
(MIKE SIGHS)

331
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,181
She's actually

332
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,181
a pretty amazing woman.

333
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,057
You know,

334
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,057
{\an1}she runs her own dairy farm,

335
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,684
she's developing an app.

336
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,269
- Get out!

337
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,269
- What?

338
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,189
{\an1}- Get the fuck out of my house.

339
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,278
- So uncool.

340
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,324
(DOOR CLOSES)

341
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,576
{\an1}SHARON:<i> You know, Amy, I just</i>

342
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,576
<i>feel like Mike is feeling </i>

343
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,246
<i>really trapped right now... </i>

344
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,246
(GRUNTS)

345
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,293
(GROANS)

346
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,257
- Okay, so your dad

347
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,257
had to go outta town

348
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,717
on a business trip,

349
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,136
so I'm gonna try to do

350
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,136
everything myself today,

351
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,595
which should be fine,

352
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:19,142
as long as everybody does

353
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:19,142
{\an1}what they are supposed to do.

354
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,185
Right?

355
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,895
(WHINING)

356
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,895
Oh, no.

357
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,813
- Why is Roscoe

358
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,813
walking like that?

359
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,482
{\an1}- He's fine. He's totally fine.

360
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,444
(GASPS) Oh, no, buddy!

361
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,458
(CAMERA CLICKS)

362
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:44,792
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

363
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,961
- Lookin' good, Jeff.

364
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,881
- Oh, thanks.

365
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,881
{\an1}- Yeah, you been workin' out?

366
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,092
{\an1}- No, not for like 10 years.

367
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,969
- Your beige windbreaker is

368
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,969
{\an1}really lightin' up my board.

369
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,804
- Oh, uh, thanks.

370
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,390
- Do you know what I mean?

371
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,390
My vagina.

372
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:00,850
(SIGHS)

373
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,519
Bye, Jeff!

374
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,021
{\an1}- Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

375
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,021
Tell all your friends.

376
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,981
STACY: (GASPS) Oh, God.

377
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,858
{\an1}There goes that little weird

378
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,858
stay-at-home mom.

379
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,860
{\an1}- Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

380
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,860
Tell all your friends.

381
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,820
{\an1}- Oh, I don't have any friends.

382
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,574
- Oh.

383
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,574
{\an1}- I'm pretty isolated at home.

384
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,950
I have four kids.

385
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,826
{\an1}- Okay, good. Please move along.

386
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,826
Thank you.

387
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:19,911
{\an1}Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

388
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:20,954
{\an1}- Thank you for inviting me.

389
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,461
- Oh, my God. She just got

390
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,461
{\an1}all her sadness all over me.

391
00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:29,170
- Oh, shit!

392
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,255
Here comes the hot widower.

393
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,757
(DANCE MUSIC)

394
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,015
- Hey, Jessie.

395
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,015
- Hey, guys.

396
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,267
VICKY: Hi.

397
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,267
GWENDOLYN: Hi.

398
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,810
{\an1}- Cute backpack you got there.

399
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,605
- Oh, yeah.

400
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,605
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

401
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,689
(ALL LAUGHING)

402
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,233
- You're hilarious!

403
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,611
You really are!

404
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,611
God, he's so fucking hot.

405
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,903
Here you go.

406
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,903
VICKY: I know.

407
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,405
I'm so glad his wife died.

408
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,031
- You know what?

409
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,031
I saw him install

410
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,783
a car seat yesterday

411
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,783
in two seconds.

412
00:10:58,825 --> 00:10:59,993
{\an1}I'm tellin' you, it was like

413
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,286
boom, boom, click.

414
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,286
(MOANING)

415
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,580
It was so hot.

416
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,580
- Oh, gosh.

417
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,958
- You know what? I think

418
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,958
{\an1}I'd let him put it in my butt.

419
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,169
I mean, in theory, I'm not

420
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,169
really into the butt thing,

421
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,630
but I would let him

422
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,630
go to town back there.

423
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,215
- I'm with you.

424
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,215
- Emergency PTA meeting.

425
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,426
- I got four minutes

426
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,426
to get Roscoe to the vet,

427
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,428
so I love you kids,

428
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,428
get out, get out.

429
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,013
I love you so much.

430
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,013
I'm so sorry.

431
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,849
- Bye, Mom.

432
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,849
(GASPS)

433
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:25,560
- Oh!

434
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:25,560
- Oh, my God! Oh!

435
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:26,645
Fuck, it's so hot!

436
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,271
- Can you roll down...

437
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,648
{\an1}Can you roll down the window?

438
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,648
- Okay. Okay, okay.

439
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,275
- Hey. Hey, babe, listen.

440
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,275
- Hi.

441
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,612
{\an1}- Uh, there is an emergency PTA

442
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,612
meeting today at 5:00.

443
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,738
It should be about

444
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,738
two to three hours.

445
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,407
- Awesome. Awesome.

446
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,407
- Okay?

447
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,035
{\an1}Your dog's wearing a helmet.

448
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,035
- Okay, I know.

449
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,495
Yes, it's... Thank you.

450
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,996
Okay.

451
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,335
Fuck!

452
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,589
- Your dog has vertigo.

453
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,589
- That can't be a thing.

454
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,592
- And you are gonna have to

455
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,592
{\an1}carry him until he gets home.

456
00:11:57,925 --> 00:11:59,135
{\an1}- Are you shitting me right now?

457
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,761
- I don't shit.

458
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,014
{\an1}But he will, uncontrollably,

459
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,014
for the next 36 hours.

460
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,558
(WHINING)

461
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,018
- I'm here. I'm here.

462
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,018
Amy's here.

463
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,563
{\an1}- You missed the meeting, bro.

464
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,148
- Oh, no.

465
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,485
{\an1}Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

466
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,735
(INDISTINCT)

467
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,280
(PANTING)

468
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,034
(GASPS)

469
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,797
(TIRES SCREECH)

470
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,884
I know, I know.

471
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,884
I'm sorry, I'm late.

472
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,094
Get in, get in, get in.

473
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,722
- I can't believe

474
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,722
I'm gonna be late

475
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,640
{\an1}to my first soccer practice.

476
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,684
- Baby, I'm doing

477
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,684
the best that I can.

478
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,394
- Yeah, that's what

479
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,394
makes it even sadder.

480
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,895
- Oh, God.

481
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,690
Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.

482
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,690
How was your day?

483
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,233
{\an1}- I swallowed a pen cap again.

484
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:56,775
- Oh, God.

485
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,695
DYLAN: Ooh!

486
00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,778
- Crap.

487
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,030
- Was that a hit-and-run?

488
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,449
- Nope.

489
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,325
Nope. That was nothing.

490
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,084
Jane, go! Go, go, go, go!

491
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,628
Excuse me, Coach?

492
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,337
I'm so sorry

493
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,337
that Jane is late.

494
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,505
It is all my fault.

495
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,300
- You looked wrecked.

496
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,300
You havin' a bad day?

497
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,302
- Oh, God, it literally

498
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,302
could not get any...

499
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,637
Ah! (GRUNTS)

500
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,430
- Shit.

501
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:26,931
(GROANS)

502
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,434
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

503
00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,731
- Hi, guys! Guys, um...

504
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,942
for those of you who have

505
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,942
been living under a rock...

506
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,361
(CHUCKLES)

507
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,361
I am Gwendolyn James.

508
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:43,156
{\an1}I am the president of the PTA,

509
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:44,991
but most importantly,

510
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:49,370
I am the proud mommy

511
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:49,370
to two beautiful daughters,

512
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,955
Blaire and Gandhi.

513
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:55,251
Now, I called this

514
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:55,251
emergency PTA meeting

515
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,045
to address an issue

516
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,045
that radically

517
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,756
affects the safety

518
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,756
of our children.

519
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:02,509
The bake sale.

520
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,305
- Is this a joke?

521
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,641
- Now, this is a list

522
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,641
of the toxic ingredients

523
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,101
that are absolutely banned

524
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,101
from the bake sale.

525
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,356
No BPA, no MSG,

526
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,356
no BHA, no BHT.

527
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:19,025
Plus no soy, no sesame,

528
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:19,025
and, of course, no nuts

529
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,486
or eggs or milk or butter

530
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,486
or salt or sugar or wheat.

531
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,779
Okay?

532
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:23,988
- Sorry, what ingredients

533
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:23,988
can we use?

534
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,198
- Anyway, I will be

535
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,198
putting together...

536
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,616
- Thank you.

537
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:29,494
- ...a special bake sale

538
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:29,494
police force

539
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,454
that will monitor the food

540
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,457
that will destroy

541
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,457
any offensive treats

542
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,044
{\an1}and prosecute the wrongdoers.

543
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:39,504
- Yes.

544
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,506
- So who will be

545
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,506
my first volunteer

546
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,341
for the bake sale

547
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,341
police force?

548
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,178
I think we're gonna have

549
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,178
Amy Mitchell!

550
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:49,889
- What?

551
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,516
- That's what you get

552
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,516
for being late, sweetie.

553
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,645
- No.

554
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,645
(ALL GASP)

555
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,398
(CHUCKLES) What's that now?

556
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,192
{\an1}- I've had a really long day.

557
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:05,196
I have been bruised

558
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:05,196
and burned,

559
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,365
knocked unconscious.

560
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,950
I screwed up my daughter's

561
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,950
first day at soccer

562
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:13,621
and I hand-searched

563
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:13,621
my son's poo for a pen cap

564
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:17,417
{\an1}and my poor dog has vertigo.

565
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,710
I mean, who knew that

566
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,420
that was even a real thing,

567
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,420
you guys?

568
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,047
God, I'm drowning at work

569
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,550
{\an1}and my boss is a fucking moron

570
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,260
and... (CHUCKLES)

571
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,804
three hours ago

572
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,804
I may or may not

573
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,931
have committed

574
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,931
a felony hit-and-run.

575
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,307
(GASPING)

576
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,769
I can't do this anymore.

577
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:38,979
I'm sorry.

578
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,523
I'm done.

579
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,403
I quit.

580
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,403
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

581
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,290
(MUSIC PLAYING)

582
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,301
(INDISTINCT CHATTERS)

583
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,978
- Hey, what can I get ya?

584
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,978
- Oh. Scotch.

585
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:21,606
- Oh, hey, I know you.

586
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,943
{\an1}You're that chick that always

587
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,943
{\an1}picks up my kid from school

588
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,945
{\an1}when I forget/don't want to.

589
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:30,615
- Amy Mitchell.

590
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:30,615
{\an1}- Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.

591
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,408
Jesus, you look like

592
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,408
a bag of dicks.

593
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,577
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.

594
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,577
- Hi.

595
00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:35,829
{\an1}I'm really sorry to interrupt,

596
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,497
but, um,

597
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,497
I just have to tell you,

598
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,583
what you did back there

599
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,583
was amazing.

600
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,752
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

601
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:44,086
It's Kiki, right?

602
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:45,546
- Yes.

603
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,131
She knows my name.

604
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,341
(STUTTERS)

605
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,384
{\an1}I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.

606
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,679
{\an5}- Why don't you sit down

607
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,679
and have a drink with us?

608
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,679
- What do you mean "us"?

609
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,556
{\an5}Honey, I was just

610
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,556
sitting here by myself.

611
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,556
- I'd love to, but I can't.

612
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:58,351
{\an5}I have to go

613
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:58,351
to the grocery store,

614
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:58,351
then I have to go home,

615
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,187
{\an5}clean out my son's hamster

616
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,187
cage, 'cause he gets so mad

617
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,187
when I forget.

618
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:02,730
- Have a drink, Kiki.

619
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:02,730
- Okay, yeah.

620
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,732
- Okay.

621
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,732
{\an1}- Yes, I'd like an apple juice.

622
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,275
- Why don't you

623
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,275
have this instead?

624
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,944
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

625
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,278
- Excuse me?

626
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,278
(LAUGHING)

627
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,324
- Oh, do you know what

628
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,324
my favorite mom fantasy is?

629
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,492
- What?

630
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,492
- Uh-oh!

631
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,911
- Having a quiet breakfast

632
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,746
by myself.

633
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,748
- Oh! That is so hot!

634
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,748
- Oh!

635
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,667
- Sounds glorious.

636
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,667
- Oh.

637
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,586
(SIGHS) Sometimes when

638
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,586
I'm driving all by myself,

639
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,755
I have this fantasy

640
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,755
{\an1}that I get into a car crash.

641
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,132
Not a big one with fire

642
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,132
{\an1}and explosions, but just like

643
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,134
a little one.

644
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,134
But I do get injured

645
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,929
and I get to go

646
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,929
{\an1}to the hospital for two weeks

647
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,431
and I sleep all day

648
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,431
and I eat Jell-O

649
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,099
and I watch so much TV

650
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,101
and it's all covered

651
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,101
by my insurance.

652
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,812
My kids bring me balloons,

653
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,397
and the nurses

654
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,397
rub cream on my feet,

655
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,399
and oh, my God,

656
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,399
it's so amazing.

657
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,401
(SIGHS)

658
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,111
Is that like

659
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,781
somethin' you guys

660
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,781
fantasize about, too?

661
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,491
- No.

662
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,491
- No.

663
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,410
- You're bat-shit crazy.

664
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,410
- Yeah.

665
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,120
- And I'm never gonna

666
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,120
get into a car with you.

667
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,873
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

668
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,002
{\an1}- Is it fun being a single mom?

669
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,545
- Yes!

670
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,756
I go to the casino.

671
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,756
- Yeah.

672
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,592
- You know,

673
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,592
I'm learnin' karate now.

674
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:17,263
{\an4}Plus, I have, like, a stable of

675
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:17,263
hot dudes to call right up

676
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:17,263
{\an1}whenever I want some D in my V.

677
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:21,267
- I wanna be a single mom.

678
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:21,267
- No, it's fuckin' awesome.

679
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,896
{\an5}Bottom line is,

680
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,896
I have to live my life

681
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,896
one quarter mile at a time.

682
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,398
- Is that from... Yeah.

683
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,398
-<i> The Fast and Furious. </i>

684
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:31,444
I fucked Vin Diesel when

685
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:31,444
{\an1}he was in town doin'<i> Furious 6. </i>

686
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:33,446
- You fucked Vin Diesel?

687
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:33,446
- Yeah.

688
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:34,530
- Vincent Diesel?

689
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,909
- It might not have been

690
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,909
actually Vin Diesel,

691
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,953
but I definitely

692
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,953
fucked a bald guy.

693
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,662
<i>Salud. </i>

694
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,662
-<i> Salud. </i>

695
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:42,956
- Yep.

696
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:42,956
- To Vincent Diesel.

697
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,498
- Oh, my God.

698
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,498
- Jesus.

699
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,333
{\an1}- Kiki, get your shit together.

700
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,333
- Oh, my God.

701
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,335
- Do you know what I hate?

702
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,335
- Mmm?

703
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,463
- There are so many

704
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,463
fuckin' rules now.

705
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,131
- Yes, God.

706
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,300
"Don't punish your kids."

707
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,300
{\an1}- "Don't say no to your kids."

708
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,343
- Yeah. "Go to your kid's

709
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,343
baseball games."

710
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,887
{\an1}"Tell your kids you love 'em."

711
00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,514
"Don't fuck the janitor

712
00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,514
at your kid's school."

713
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,558
{\an1}I mean, what the fuck is this?

714
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,558
Russia?

715
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,728
- We're killing ourselves

716
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,728
tryin' to be perfect

717
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,313
and it's making us insane.

718
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,482
- In this day and age,

719
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,482
it's impossible

720
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,191
to be a good mom.

721
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,191
(CARLA BLOWS RASPBERRY)

722
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,569
- Screw it.

723
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,569
- Yeah.

724
00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:14,821
- Let's be bad moms.

725
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,614
- Oh, I'm in.

726
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,614
- Right?

727
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,865
- Oh, my gosh, okay.

728
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,199
This is exciting. I'm in!

729
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:22,912
- Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!

730
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:22,912
- To bad moms!

731
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:24,246
KIKI: Aw.

732
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,582
- Mmm.

733
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,582
- I love you guys.

734
00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:28,001
- Oh, dude.

735
00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:28,001
- We love you, Kiki.

736
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,627
- We just met, Kiki.

737
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,627
- Forever.

738
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,378
I love you forever.

739
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,378
{\an1}- I'm not into this kinda...

740
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,007
- Oh, gosh, honey,

741
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,007
we gotta go get you home.

742
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,299
We gotta go.

743
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,299
- Yeah, let's go.

744
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:38,094
{\an5}- Gotta go.

745
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:38,094
- No, I can't. I have to go

746
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:38,094
to the supermarket.

747
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,219
(KIKI SIGHS)

748
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,429
{\an1}- Let's go to the supermarket!

749
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,181
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

750
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,375
(ALL GASPING)

751
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,375
- Oh, my God.

752
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,003
You're so cute.

753
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,003
KIKI: Adorable.

754
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,131
- Oh, I wanna eat her face.

755
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,131
- Hi, bunny.

756
00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:58,216
- All right, let's go!

757
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,967
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

758
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:43,219
- Where is she?

759
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,096
(AMY GROANS)

760
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:49,267
{\an1}- Oh, it's so bright, you guys.

761
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,811
- Are you okay?

762
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,811
- Yeah, I'm awesome.

763
00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:53,520
{\an1}- What did you do last night?

764
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,940
- Nothin'.

765
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:58,818
But we may need to find

766
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:58,818
a new supermarket.

767
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:00,736
(AMY GASPS)

768
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:03,656
Oh, my God.

769
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:03,656
I made nachos last night!

770
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:05,950
Oh.

771
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,286
Amazing.

772
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:09,703
Mmm.

773
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:11,998
The cheese is so hard.

774
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,458
(GRUNTING)

775
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:21,090
- Um... Aren't you gonna

776
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:21,090
make us breakfast?

777
00:22:21,132 --> 00:22:23,259
- Oh, no.

778
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,180
{\an1}- But what are we gonna eat?

779
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,765
{\an1}- You guys are really smart.

780
00:22:30,183 --> 00:22:31,809
You can make

781
00:22:30,183 --> 00:22:31,809
your own breakfast.

782
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:35,562
I'm just gonna

783
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:35,562
take these to go.

784
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,986
Peace!

785
00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,614
All right, get in the car.

786
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,118
You know what?

787
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,118
On second thought,

788
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,786
let's take your daddy's

789
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,786
special car today.

790
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,497
- Won't Dad be mad?

791
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,497
AMY: Yeah.

792
00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:54,999
Probably.

793
00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:58,211
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

794
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:00,880
(ENGINE REVVING)

795
00:23:02,673 --> 00:23:04,217
(TIRES SCREECHING)

796
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,363
Whoo!

797
00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:28,032
- That was so awesome!

798
00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:30,826
- All right.

799
00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:30,826
(TIRES SCREECHING)

800
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,204
- What is she driving?

801
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:34,955
{\an1}- Have a great day at school!

802
00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:36,832
Oh, wait, wait, wait!

803
00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:36,832
Your lunch!

804
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,921
(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.

805
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,921
- You're the best mom ever!

806
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,421
- Aw, I love you guys!

807
00:23:44,298 --> 00:23:45,799
- Is that Arby's?

808
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,509
- I love their

809
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,509
hot fish sandwich.

810
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:49,887
- Hey, Amy. Hi.

811
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,471
Hey, we're havin'

812
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,471
a PTA meeting today

813
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:53,599
to discuss the upcoming

814
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:53,599
election at 2:00.

815
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:54,725
Will we see you there?

816
00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,143
- No.

817
00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:02,608
- Oh. That bitch is playin'

818
00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:02,608
a dangerous game.

819
00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:05,361
- Amy plays football?

820
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,113
- Oh, my God.

821
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:09,156
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

822
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:18,582
- Thank you.

823
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:18,582
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

824
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,459
Oh, this is Amy.

825
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:22,836
- Amy, where are you?

826
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,255
The morning huddle

827
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,255
started an hour ago.

828
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,632
- Oh, yeah, Dale,

829
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,632
I'm not goin' to that.

830
00:24:26,673 --> 00:24:28,175
It's a total waste of time.

831
00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:30,261
(SNICKERING)

832
00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:30,261
{\an1}- Are you feelin' okay, Amy?

833
00:24:30,303 --> 00:24:32,221
Are you having

834
00:24:30,303 --> 00:24:32,221
a senior moment?

835
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:34,223
- I've actually

836
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:34,223
never felt better.

837
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,977
{\an1}I'm having a quiet breakfast

838
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,977
and reading the newspaper

839
00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:40,313
{\an1}for the first time in 12 years.

840
00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:43,023
- You need to come

841
00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:43,023
into the office right now!

842
00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:46,944
{\an4}- No, I don't. I don't, Dale.

843
00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:46,944
I only work for you

844
00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:46,944
three days a week.

845
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,779
<i>If you want me to work more, </i>

846
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,823
then you should

847
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,823
pay me to do that.

848
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,075
- Okay, Amy, you're kinda

849
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,075
makin' me look like a dick

850
00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:54,952
in front of everybody

851
00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:54,952
in the office right now.

852
00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:56,078
-<i> Have a great meeting! </i>

853
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,204
Goodbye, Dale.

854
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:59,165
(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

855
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:00,207
(SIGHS)

856
00:25:13,471 --> 00:25:15,222
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

857
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,976
- Hello?

858
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,976
- Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

859
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,479
- Hi!

860
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:23,814
{\an4}- Um, I was actually calling

861
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:23,814
{\an1}to see, uh, if you'd like to

862
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:23,814
{\an1}join me at the movies today.

863
00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:26,233
{\an1}- Are we allowed to do that?

864
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,610
{\an1}- Well, I don't see why not.

865
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,571
- I can't. I mean, I have

866
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,571
to iron Kent's underwear.

867
00:25:31,989 --> 00:25:33,115
- What? Why?

868
00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:35,533
- I don't know. He likes

869
00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:35,533
really stiff underwear.

870
00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:37,661
{\an1}- Come on, Kiki, live a little.

871
00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:40,998
(CRYING)

872
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,876
- Uh... Okay.

873
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,876
Okay, okay. I'll do it.

874
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,295
(CHUCKLES) Awesome.

875
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,295
Okay, I'll call Carla.

876
00:25:46,337 --> 00:25:48,588
- Oh, fun! I like her.

877
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:50,049
{\an1}I'm also very scared of her.

878
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,009
- Okay.

879
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,345
- Ow! Ow!

880
00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:58,140
CARLA:<i> Yo! </i>

881
00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:58,140
- Hey, it's Amy.

882
00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,393
{\an5}Um, I'm callin' to see if

883
00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,393
{\an1}you'd like to join Kiki and I

884
00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,393
{\an1}at the movies this afternoon.

885
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:01,685
- I'm already here.

886
00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:02,769
- Hey, lady.

887
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,481
Get off your phone.

888
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,481
- Guess what?

889
00:26:05,523 --> 00:26:06,940
She dies in the end.

890
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:08,608
Yeah, cancer gets her.

891
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:12,154
Yeah, what do you bitches

892
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:12,154
wanna see?

893
00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:21,372
ASTRONAUT 1:<i> Love... </i>

894
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:23,999
<i>is stronger </i>

895
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:26,168
<i>than space. </i>

896
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,504
- You guys,

897
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,504
lady boners over here.

898
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,089
(AMY LAUGHS)

899
00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:32,550
(GASPING AND CHEERING)

900
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,222
- Cheers, ladies.

901
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,222
CARLA: Mmm.

902
00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:39,265
AMY: Mmm.

903
00:26:41,058 --> 00:26:44,061
{\an5}This has been so much fun.

904
00:26:41,058 --> 00:26:44,061
Thank you, girls,

905
00:26:41,058 --> 00:26:44,061
for coming out with me.

906
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:45,187
- Are you kidding me?

907
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:46,564
This has literally been

908
00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:48,441
the best day

909
00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:48,441
of my entire life.

910
00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:50,234
- Oh, honey.

911
00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,819
{\an1}- My ex is pickin' up the kid,

912
00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,819
so I can go all night if...

913
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,363
Oh, hey, did you hear that?

914
00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:56,282
My ex has my kid.

915
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:58,576
AMY: Hey, hon, I've got

916
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:58,576
a question for you.

917
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:02,162
{\an1}Is it hard to share your son

918
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:02,162
with your ex-husband?

919
00:27:02,955 --> 00:27:04,415
(LAUGHS) Fuck no.

920
00:27:02,955 --> 00:27:04,415
AMY: No?

921
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,542
- Have you seen my kid?

922
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,542
He's like nine feet tall

923
00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:08,168
and all he cares about

924
00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:08,168
is baseball.

925
00:27:08,210 --> 00:27:09,836
{\an1}- Do you go to all of his games?

926
00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:11,880
- No. No, I don't.

927
00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:11,880
(AMY LAUGHS)

928
00:27:11,922 --> 00:27:14,091
The last game I went to

929
00:27:11,922 --> 00:27:14,091
was six hours long

930
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,842
and the final score was

931
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,842
one to two.

932
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:17,886
So, I'd rather go

933
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:17,886
to Afghanistan

934
00:27:17,928 --> 00:27:20,013
than another kid's

935
00:27:17,928 --> 00:27:20,013
baseball game. Cheers.

936
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:23,350
{\an1}- How do you think that your

937
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:23,350
divorce affected your kid?

938
00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,395
- How are things

939
00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,395
in your home, Amy?

940
00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:29,231
- Oh, it's fine.

941
00:27:29,273 --> 00:27:30,648
(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.

942
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:34,361
Ugh.

943
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:38,656
{\an1}I caught Mike having an affair

944
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:38,656
online with a woman,

945
00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:41,327
{\an1}and I guess it's been going on

946
00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:41,327
for like 10 months.

947
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:44,079
- Oh! Did you drive

948
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:44,079
a spike through his nuts?

949
00:27:44,121 --> 00:27:45,289
(LAUGHING)

950
00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,458
- No. Here's the truth.

951
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:50,544
Our marriage

952
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:50,544
has been over for years.

953
00:27:51,044 --> 00:27:53,506
I don't even remember

954
00:27:51,044 --> 00:27:53,506
the last time we had sex.

955
00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:55,673
- Kent and I have sex

956
00:27:55,715 --> 00:27:57,384
every Friday night

957
00:27:55,715 --> 00:27:57,384
after<i> Blue Bloods. </i>

958
00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,761
(LAUGHS)

959
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:03,098
I find Tom Selleck's work

960
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:03,098
to be extremely erotic.

961
00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:05,392
{\an1}- I feel like everything that

962
00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:07,436
comes out of your mouth

963
00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:07,436
is a cry for help.

964
00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:09,438
(CHUCKLES)

965
00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:09,438
- Kiki, you're so weird.

966
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,064
KIKI: I'm tellin' ya.

967
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,064
CARLA: No, wait,

968
00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,359
why did you marry this

969
00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,359
{\an1}shithead in the first place?

970
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,692
He sounds like an asshole.

971
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:16,236
- Because we were young

972
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:16,236
and in love.

973
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,780
I mean, he wasn't always

974
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,780
an asshole. I promise you.

975
00:28:19,490 --> 00:28:22,576
It's true. Listen, I got

976
00:28:19,490 --> 00:28:22,576
pregnant, we got married.

977
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,036
I was only 20.

978
00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:27,122
You know what? Mike and I

979
00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:27,122
never got our twenties.

980
00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:31,335
{\an5}Like, you know, the fun

981
00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:31,335
{\an1}twenties, and... I feel like

982
00:28:27,705 --> 00:28:31,335
maybe he missed that.

983
00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:32,378
CARLA: Oh, my God.

984
00:28:32,836 --> 00:28:34,754
- Maybe I did, too.

985
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:37,049
{\an4}- When I was in my twenties,

986
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:37,049
I would just walk

987
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:37,049
down the street

988
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:40,302
and it would just be

989
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:40,302
{\an1}raining dicks wherever I went.

990
00:28:40,344 --> 00:28:41,470
{\an1}It was just dick, dick, dick,

991
00:28:41,512 --> 00:28:42,721
dick, dick, dick,

992
00:28:41,512 --> 00:28:42,721
dick, dick, dick.

993
00:28:42,762 --> 00:28:44,598
It was, like, forecast,

994
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,309
lotta cock!

995
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,309
(INDISTINCT)

996
00:28:47,351 --> 00:28:48,686
- Kiki?

997
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,813
- Hi. Kent, hi.

998
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:53,315
- What are you doin' here?

999
00:28:53,357 --> 00:28:55,693
- I'm just having lunch

1000
00:28:53,357 --> 00:28:55,693
with my new friends.

1001
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:56,818
- Who's watching the kids?

1002
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:57,903
- Rosie.

1003
00:28:57,944 --> 00:28:59,446
- Isn't that your job?

1004
00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,699
{\an1}- Whoa! Who the fuck are you?

1005
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,076
- Yes. Yes, Kent.

1006
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,076
It absolutely is my job,

1007
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,412
and I was just

1008
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,412
about to leave, so,

1009
00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:10,541
{\an5}um, thank you guys so much.

1010
00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:10,541
I can't, uh, do the math

1011
00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:10,541
right now.

1012
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:13,960
Just take that and have

1013
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:13,960
a wonderful day, you guys.

1014
00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:15,128
I really enjoyed it.

1015
00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:15,128
Thank you.

1016
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:16,255
- Oh, my...

1017
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,382
{\an1}- Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!

1018
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,217
- That's really disturbing.

1019
00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:21,843
- Yes!

1020
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:23,637
But on the plus side,

1021
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:23,637
she left way too much cash,

1022
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:25,639
so I think I'm gonna

1023
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:25,639
get fucked up!

1024
00:29:25,681 --> 00:29:27,683
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1025
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:52,625
(GROANS)

1026
00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:56,629
{\an5}- Yeah, donut holes!

1027
00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:56,629
I love these things.

1028
00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:56,629
How much are they?

1029
00:29:56,670 --> 00:29:57,796
- Um...

1030
00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:00,340
Five cents.

1031
00:30:00,674 --> 00:30:02,301
- How about a dollar?

1032
00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:04,136
(GASPS): What?

1033
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:06,096
Hey now, big spender.

1034
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:06,096
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

1035
00:30:06,555 --> 00:30:07,640
Thank you.

1036
00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:09,933
- Mmm.

1037
00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:12,060
- Why are these so good?

1038
00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:12,060
- Caramel number six.

1039
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:14,020
- Is that what it is?

1040
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:14,020
- Mmm-hmm.

1041
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:15,147
- They're tasty.

1042
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:17,816
- She's adorable.

1043
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:17,816
- Thank you.

1044
00:30:17,857 --> 00:30:19,067
- Mmm-hmm.

1045
00:30:19,693 --> 00:30:20,736
- Good to see you.

1046
00:30:20,778 --> 00:30:22,529
- Bye. Bye.

1047
00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:26,032
- Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

1048
00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:26,032
What do we have here?

1049
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,786
Are these store-bought

1050
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,786
donut holes, Amy?

1051
00:30:29,202 --> 00:30:30,663
- What? No.

1052
00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:32,456
{\an1}Gosh, no, I made them by hand

1053
00:30:32,498 --> 00:30:35,542
and then I put them in

1054
00:30:32,498 --> 00:30:35,542
{\an1}the weird plastic container.

1055
00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:37,002
- Oh, thank God.

1056
00:30:37,043 --> 00:30:38,587
'Cause we do not allow

1057
00:30:37,043 --> 00:30:38,587
store-bought holes.

1058
00:30:38,629 --> 00:30:39,921
- Seriously, Vicky?

1059
00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:41,089
{\an1}AMY: Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

1060
00:30:41,131 --> 00:30:42,633
Who cares

1061
00:30:41,131 --> 00:30:42,633
what food people bring

1062
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:44,343
as long as it raises

1063
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:44,343
money, right?

1064
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,804
- Oh, did she just... Oh.

1065
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,804
- She did.

1066
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:48,347
- Hit her with it, G.

1067
00:30:48,388 --> 00:30:51,016
- Well, you see,

1068
00:30:48,388 --> 00:30:51,016
I care, sweetie.

1069
00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:53,310
I don't... I don't know

1070
00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:53,310
{\an1}what's been goin' on with you,

1071
00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:54,645
I mean, with your

1072
00:30:54,687 --> 00:30:58,524
weird outbursts

1073
00:30:54,687 --> 00:30:58,524
and your terrible style,

1074
00:30:58,565 --> 00:31:00,233
but it ends now.

1075
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:02,569
Okay? I run this school,

1076
00:31:02,611 --> 00:31:06,406
and no one takes

1077
00:31:02,611 --> 00:31:06,406
a class or kicks a ball

1078
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:09,993
or plays a fuckin' clarinet

1079
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:09,993
without my say-so.

1080
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:14,414
And I can make life

1081
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:14,414
a living hell for you

1082
00:31:14,456 --> 00:31:16,291
{\an1}and your dirty little children.

1083
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,335
Do you understand me?

1084
00:31:18,377 --> 00:31:20,086
- Wow, Gwendolyn,

1085
00:31:18,377 --> 00:31:20,086
I genuinely think

1086
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,880
you should just

1087
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,880
relax a little bit,

1088
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:23,965
I mean, have a donut hole.

1089
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:23,965
They're delicious.

1090
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:25,342
They're from a gas station.

1091
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:25,342
They're...

1092
00:31:25,384 --> 00:31:26,760
Mmm.

1093
00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:29,095
{\an1}- You have crossed the line,

1094
00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:29,095
little girl.

1095
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,014
{\an1}And I am going to destroy you.

1096
00:31:32,391 --> 00:31:34,017
Winter is coming.

1097
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,603
(CHUCKLES) Gwendolyn.

1098
00:31:36,936 --> 00:31:39,398
{\an1}- Oh, my God. You are so fucked.

1099
00:31:39,857 --> 00:31:40,982
- What...

1100
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:42,942
- Bye.

1101
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:42,942
- Bye.

1102
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,072
- Out of my way!

1103
00:31:47,740 --> 00:31:48,741
- Sorry, Gwendolyn.

1104
00:31:53,119 --> 00:31:54,872
- You psyched

1105
00:31:53,119 --> 00:31:54,872
for Mandarin class?

1106
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,164
- No!

1107
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,164
- No...?

1108
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,124
- Mandarin class

1109
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,124
is so stressful.

1110
00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:00,335
Everyone just barfs

1111
00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:00,335
the whole time.

1112
00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:02,212
- Did you say "barfs"?

1113
00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:02,212
- Yeah.

1114
00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:04,423
- Oh, my God.

1115
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:05,632
Wha...

1116
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:08,176
Why are we doing this?

1117
00:32:11,221 --> 00:32:12,598
JANE: What are you doing?

1118
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:14,057
Mandarin class

1119
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:14,057
is back that way!

1120
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,976
{\an1}- I know. But we're gonna play

1121
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,976
hooky today.

1122
00:32:22,566 --> 00:32:24,150
JANE: We cannot

1123
00:32:22,566 --> 00:32:24,150
afford this place.

1124
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:25,861
AMY: Don't worry.

1125
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:25,861
I've got a plan.

1126
00:32:29,155 --> 00:32:31,199
{\an1}- Shh. Get in here, you idiots.

1127
00:32:29,155 --> 00:32:31,199
- We totally snuck in.

1128
00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:33,577
{\an5}- I know!

1129
00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:33,577
- I can't believe

1130
00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:33,577
you have a real job.

1131
00:32:33,619 --> 00:32:35,245
{\an1}- You're a lucky girl, Becky.

1132
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,872
I would never do this

1133
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,872
for my kid.

1134
00:32:36,914 --> 00:32:38,582
{\an1}- Yeah. My mom's pretty cool.

1135
00:32:39,625 --> 00:32:41,627
Also, my name's Jane.

1136
00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,128
- Okay.

1137
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:44,755
All right. Showers on

1138
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:44,755
the left. Have fun, guys.

1139
00:32:44,797 --> 00:32:46,381
Bye, Becky! Shh.

1140
00:32:44,797 --> 00:32:46,381
- Okay, thanks, Carla.

1141
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:49,509
This place is fancy.

1142
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:49,509
- Gosh.

1143
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:51,762
Oh, look. Free soap.

1144
00:32:51,804 --> 00:32:53,346
{\an1}- No, honey, don't take that.

1145
00:32:53,388 --> 00:32:54,973
(GASPS) Oh, no, that's some

1146
00:32:53,388 --> 00:32:54,973
good soap. Take it.

1147
00:32:57,768 --> 00:32:59,519
This is what

1148
00:32:57,768 --> 00:32:59,519
the tub looks like

1149
00:32:59,561 --> 00:33:01,062
after your brother

1150
00:32:59,561 --> 00:33:01,062
takes a bath.

1151
00:33:01,104 --> 00:33:02,230
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1152
00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:05,317
{\an1}- You look like Kung Fu Panda.

1153
00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:05,317
(LAUGHS)

1154
00:33:05,943 --> 00:33:07,527
(SIGHS)

1155
00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:08,862
This is amazing.

1156
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:10,280
- Mmm-hmm.

1157
00:33:10,739 --> 00:33:12,449
- We should get

1158
00:33:10,739 --> 00:33:12,449
{\an1}matching tattoos after this.

1159
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:13,909
(LAUGHS)

1160
00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:16,035
I'm really glad

1161
00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:16,035
we did this, Mom.

1162
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:19,372
I haven't felt this relaxed

1163
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:19,372
in, like, ever.

1164
00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:23,001
- God, you needed a break

1165
00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:23,001
{\an1}from school and soccer and...

1166
00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:25,545
(GRUNTS)

1167
00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:25,545
...this whole Dad thing.

1168
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,173
- What whole Dad thing?

1169
00:33:29,132 --> 00:33:30,968
- Nothing. Nothing!

1170
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:33,178
(GASPS)

1171
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:33,178
{\an1}- Does Dad have a brain tumor?

1172
00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:35,597
- What? No! No, no, no, no.

1173
00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:36,640
God, no. Um...

1174
00:33:37,766 --> 00:33:39,685
Your dad and I are

1175
00:33:40,602 --> 00:33:42,688
going through

1176
00:33:40,602 --> 00:33:42,688
a rough patch right now.

1177
00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:44,898
- Are you guys gonna

1178
00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:44,898
get divorced?

1179
00:33:44,940 --> 00:33:46,358
- What? No, no, no.

1180
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:50,529
No. We're not getting

1181
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:50,529
divorced right away.

1182
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:55,033
{\an1}I just want you to know that

1183
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:55,033
no matter what happens,

1184
00:33:55,701 --> 00:33:56,785
it's not your fault.

1185
00:33:57,369 --> 00:33:59,162
- Why would it be my fault?

1186
00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:01,790
{\an1}Why would you even say that?

1187
00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:01,790
- I don't know!

1188
00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:03,458
Oh, my God, baby,

1189
00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:03,458
I'm so sorry!

1190
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,793
I suck at this!

1191
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:06,920
{\an1}- I just don't wanna be weird,

1192
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:06,920
okay?

1193
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:09,381
- Baby, please don't cry.

1194
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:09,381
Please... No, no, no, no.

1195
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:12,050
{\an5}Honey, I need you

1196
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:12,050
to look at me,

1197
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:12,050
just look at me, okay?

1198
00:34:12,759 --> 00:34:14,219
Baby, baby...

1199
00:34:15,345 --> 00:34:17,347
I need you to know

1200
00:34:15,345 --> 00:34:17,347
that your dad loves you.

1201
00:34:17,931 --> 00:34:19,516
That I love you.

1202
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:22,019
And I promise you

1203
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:24,730
you will be fine.

1204
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,356
(SOBS)

1205
00:34:26,648 --> 00:34:27,983
- How do you know?

1206
00:34:28,025 --> 00:34:29,484
- Because I'm your mom,

1207
00:34:30,527 --> 00:34:33,071
and I know you

1208
00:34:30,527 --> 00:34:33,071
better than anyone,

1209
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,532
and I know

1210
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,532
what you're made of.

1211
00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:40,245
Oh, honey.

1212
00:34:40,286 --> 00:34:41,705
I love you.

1213
00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:44,833
- I love you, too.

1214
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:49,796
GWENDOLYN: Hey, Coach?

1215
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:51,965
Coach!

1216
00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:53,800
- Fuck!

1217
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,428
Hi, Gwendolyn.

1218
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,428
- Hi, how are you?

1219
00:34:56,469 --> 00:34:58,346
Listen, um,

1220
00:34:56,469 --> 00:34:58,346
I wanna talk to you about

1221
00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:00,348
the starting lineup

1222
00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:00,348
of next week's game.

1223
00:35:00,390 --> 00:35:02,976
In particular

1224
00:35:00,390 --> 00:35:02,976
{\an1}Amy Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

1225
00:35:03,018 --> 00:35:05,311
- You know I can't discuss

1226
00:35:03,018 --> 00:35:05,311
specific players with you.

1227
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:07,146
- And you know that I chair

1228
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,608
the hiring and firing

1229
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,608
committee, right?

1230
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:11,443
{\an1}So let's stop dicking around

1231
00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:12,986
and let's get

1232
00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:12,986
to the fucking point.

1233
00:35:13,570 --> 00:35:15,113
{\an1}- Please don't get me fired,

1234
00:35:13,570 --> 00:35:15,113
Gwendolyn.

1235
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,783
My cat just died.

1236
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,783
- Oh.

1237
00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,452
- And I'm really

1238
00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,452
very fragile right now.

1239
00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:22,871
- Bench the little dork.

1240
00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:24,831
- Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

1241
00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:27,333
{\an1}- I need this. This is my time.

1242
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:28,919
You know what I mean?

1243
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:28,919
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

1244
00:35:28,961 --> 00:35:30,045
(SNAPS FINGERS)

1245
00:35:30,087 --> 00:35:31,254
(EXHALES)

1246
00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,133
- Go for Carla.

1247
00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,133
-<i> Hey, it's Amy, </i>

1248
00:35:35,174 --> 00:35:36,885
{\an5}<i>I just found out </i>

1249
00:35:35,174 --> 00:35:36,885
<i>Mike is staying</i>

1250
00:35:35,174 --> 00:35:36,885
{\an1}<i>with his Internet girlfriend. </i>

1251
00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:39,345
-<i> Oh, fuck him! </i>

1252
00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:39,345
<i>We need to get you laid. </i>

1253
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,556
- I wanna get laid.

1254
00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:42,682
- I'm on my way.

1255
00:35:42,724 --> 00:35:44,726
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1256
00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:48,981
AMY: I'm so excited.

1257
00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:50,983
{\an5}CARLA: Honey, I don't know,

1258
00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:50,983
what are you gonna wear?

1259
00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:50,983
It's like a nun's closet.

1260
00:35:51,441 --> 00:35:53,359
(AMY GASPS) No, wait.

1261
00:35:51,441 --> 00:35:53,359
I got it, I got it.

1262
00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:54,653
- Let's see this!

1263
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:56,738
- It's my favorite.

1264
00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:58,490
- I love it.

1265
00:35:58,531 --> 00:35:59,908
- No! No!

1266
00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:01,827
Are you tryin' to get laid

1267
00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:01,827
or adopted?

1268
00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,037
- Oh.

1269
00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,037
- Fair point.

1270
00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:05,371
- Ooh.

1271
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:06,498
Okay.

1272
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:10,752
{\an1}- That's what a lonely person

1273
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:10,752
gets buried in.

1274
00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:12,712
{\an1}- Fuck, you guys, I literally

1275
00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:12,712
have nothing, then.

1276
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,714
- I have mom clothes,

1277
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,714
I have work clothes.

1278
00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:17,342
- Okay, you know, let me

1279
00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:17,342
get in there one more time.

1280
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:19,511
I'm gonna find it. Move.

1281
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:19,511
Move, get me in here.

1282
00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:21,513
{\an1}- I have jackets, lots of 'em.

1283
00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:21,513
- We'll find it.

1284
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,932
{\an4}We'll find something, honey.

1285
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,932
- Don't get discouraged.

1286
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,932
You can do this.

1287
00:36:23,974 --> 00:36:25,517
- I mean, Jesus Christ!

1288
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:28,227
This is something that

1289
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:28,227
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

1290
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:30,188
- I love that movie.

1291
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,356
- Me, too.

1292
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,356
- Okay.

1293
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:32,607
{\an1}KIKI: It's such a good film.

1294
00:36:32,649 --> 00:36:34,400
- Wait a minute,

1295
00:36:32,649 --> 00:36:34,400
I see a spaghetti strap.

1296
00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:37,029
{\an1}- No, hold on. This was, like,

1297
00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:39,197
my slutty Halloween costume

1298
00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:39,197
from college.

1299
00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:40,949
- I like the word "slutty."

1300
00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:40,949
Put it on.

1301
00:36:40,991 --> 00:36:42,450
- Just try it.

1302
00:36:40,991 --> 00:36:42,450
- Try it.

1303
00:36:42,492 --> 00:36:44,911
- You guys are ridiculous.

1304
00:36:42,492 --> 00:36:44,911
I'm telling you...

1305
00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:47,413
- Holy fuck!

1306
00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:47,413
Look at your mom bra!

1307
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:50,125
- Ooh.

1308
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:50,125
{\an1}- There's so much surface area.

1309
00:36:50,167 --> 00:36:51,710
You can make

1310
00:36:50,167 --> 00:36:51,710
three regular bras

1311
00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,336
out of this one mom bra.

1312
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:56,214
- This isn't my mom bra.

1313
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:56,214
This is my sexy bra.

1314
00:36:56,255 --> 00:36:57,966
(LAUGHS) Shut up!

1315
00:36:58,008 --> 00:36:59,551
Wait, are you serious?

1316
00:36:58,008 --> 00:36:59,551
- Don't laugh.

1317
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:00,886
Yes!

1318
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,345
- Oh, honey.

1319
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,345
- Amy.

1320
00:37:02,804 --> 00:37:04,597
- That looks like

1321
00:37:02,804 --> 00:37:04,597
{\an1}you just got out of surgery.

1322
00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:05,891
- Is it that bad?

1323
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:07,392
- Yeah, there's just

1324
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:07,392
one boob-log.

1325
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:08,601
- Yeah.

1326
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:10,395
{\an1}- You don't even have two tits.

1327
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,647
{\an5}- I have this in black.

1328
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,647
Do you guys wanna see it

1329
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,647
in black?

1330
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:13,899
- No!

1331
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:13,899
- No!

1332
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:15,316
- Oh, wow.

1333
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:17,402
- This bra will be

1334
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:17,402
the death of your vagina.

1335
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:19,320
(ALL LAUGHING)

1336
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:22,741
CARLA: Oh!

1337
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:22,741
- Oh, my gosh.

1338
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:26,285
{\an1}- You guys, I've only handled

1339
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:26,285
one penis my entire life.

1340
00:37:26,327 --> 00:37:27,871
- Oh, honey!

1341
00:37:27,913 --> 00:37:30,207
{\an1}- What do I do if I get a guy

1342
00:37:27,913 --> 00:37:30,207
with a weird dick?

1343
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:31,875
- Kent is a never-hard.

1344
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:31,875
- Ooh.

1345
00:37:31,917 --> 00:37:33,043
What's a never-hard?

1346
00:37:33,085 --> 00:37:35,003
{\an1}- Oh, he never gets fully hard.

1347
00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:38,381
So I just have to

1348
00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:38,381
kinda fold his penis up

1349
00:37:38,423 --> 00:37:39,674
like a balloon animal

1350
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,551
{\an1}and shove it up in my vagina.

1351
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:43,970
- That sounds horrible!

1352
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:43,970
AMY: Yeah.

1353
00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:46,472
{\an1}- Sometimes I take the balls

1354
00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:46,472
{\an1}and shove 'em up there, too,

1355
00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:48,808
because at least,

1356
00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:48,808
you know, they're firm.

1357
00:37:48,850 --> 00:37:52,062
{\an1}- Honey, that is a lotta shit

1358
00:37:48,850 --> 00:37:52,062
to shove up your cooter.

1359
00:37:52,104 --> 00:37:54,189
- I mean, I'm just happy

1360
00:37:52,104 --> 00:37:54,189
he's circumcised.

1361
00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,775
(AMY GASPS) What if I get

1362
00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,775
{\an1}somebody who's not circumcised?

1363
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:58,651
{\an1}- Run out of the room screaming.

1364
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,403
It's like finding

1365
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,403
a gun in the street.

1366
00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:02,155
Just scream

1367
00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:02,155
and get outta there!

1368
00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:04,574
- No way, you guys.

1369
00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:04,574
Uncut guys are great.

1370
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,952
{\an5}- Really?

1371
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,952
- Oh, they're always

1372
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,952
so nice to you,

1373
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:09,079
because they know

1374
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:09,079
their dicks are gross.

1375
00:38:09,121 --> 00:38:11,414
{\an5}- How do I handle it?

1376
00:38:09,121 --> 00:38:11,414
What, do I just touch it?

1377
00:38:09,121 --> 00:38:11,414
- I'll show you. Here.

1378
00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:13,833
{\an5}Let me just, Kiki,

1379
00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:13,833
do you mind for a sec?

1380
00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:13,833
- What?

1381
00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:16,878
{\an5}- Just imagine for a second

1382
00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:16,878
that this is the hood

1383
00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:16,878
of the uncut cock

1384
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,256
and then this

1385
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,256
is the penis face. Okay?

1386
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:21,549
So, what you would do

1387
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:21,549
is very gently,

1388
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:23,635
you would just kinda try to

1389
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,096
peel it back

1390
00:38:26,512 --> 00:38:29,307
over like that to expose

1391
00:38:26,512 --> 00:38:29,307
the head of the cock.

1392
00:38:29,348 --> 00:38:31,268
- Okay.

1393
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,311
{\an5}- And then you would

1394
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,311
just gently, you wanna,

1395
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,311
I'm sorry, honey,

1396
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:36,064
{\an5}you just wanna kinda,

1397
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:36,064
{\an1}like it gets a little tight,

1398
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:36,064
{\an1}and you gotta kinda work it,

1399
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:37,649
you know,

1400
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:37,649
you gotta work it off.

1401
00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:40,068
{\an1}And then you just go to town

1402
00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:40,068
like it's a, you know...

1403
00:38:40,110 --> 00:38:41,569
(GRUNTS)

1404
00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:43,446
You know, you jerk it off

1405
00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:43,446
till you wanna sit on it.

1406
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:47,075
{\an5}Okay?

1407
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:47,075
{\an1}- What do I do with this? Put it

1408
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:47,075
in a hair clip or I just...

1409
00:38:47,117 --> 00:38:49,911
- No, no, no. No, no, this,

1410
00:38:47,117 --> 00:38:49,911
{\an1}this you can flick it, suck it,

1411
00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:52,914
{\an4}you know, rub your face on it.

1412
00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:52,914
- I don't wanna rub my face

1413
00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:52,914
on it.

1414
00:38:52,956 --> 00:38:55,083
{\an5}- Okay, well,

1415
00:38:52,956 --> 00:38:55,083
take care of this, though.

1416
00:38:52,956 --> 00:38:55,083
- Okay.

1417
00:38:55,125 --> 00:38:58,003
{\an1}- 'Cause this is like a big,

1418
00:38:55,125 --> 00:38:58,003
giant man clit.

1419
00:38:58,044 --> 00:38:59,337
This, right here.

1420
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:01,256
If you work this,

1421
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:01,256
it's gonna be like...

1422
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:02,423
(GRUNTS)

1423
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,176
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

1424
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,094
{\an1}Does that make sense, honey?

1425
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,094
AMY: Yeah, it's great.

1426
00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:07,679
- Okay. Sure, sure.

1427
00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:07,679
- Thank you, honey.

1428
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,597
- I'm not gonna wear

1429
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,597
this sweatshirt ever again.

1430
00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:12,350
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1431
00:39:53,892 --> 00:39:56,311
{\an1}CARLA: Okay, okay, all right.

1432
00:39:53,892 --> 00:39:56,311
Let's get right down to it.

1433
00:39:56,353 --> 00:39:57,645
What kinda guy

1434
00:39:56,353 --> 00:39:57,645
are you into, honey?

1435
00:39:57,687 --> 00:39:58,980
(GASPS) You know what?

1436
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:00,899
I've never been

1437
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:00,899
with a Latin man.

1438
00:40:01,191 --> 00:40:03,151
- If I were you,

1439
00:40:01,191 --> 00:40:03,151
I would start with maybe

1440
00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:05,278
like just kinda

1441
00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:05,278
fat and Jewish,

1442
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,446
and then work yourself

1443
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,446
into the Latin guy.

1444
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:08,907
- Excuse me.

1445
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:08,907
- Okay.

1446
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,575
- Hi, there.

1447
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,575
- Hi!

1448
00:40:10,616 --> 00:40:11,659
- Is this seat taken?

1449
00:40:12,118 --> 00:40:13,619
- Um, yes.

1450
00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:16,414
I mean, yes, no,

1451
00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:16,414
{\an1}like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

1452
00:40:16,455 --> 00:40:18,416
What do I do?

1453
00:40:16,455 --> 00:40:18,416
{\an1}- Ask him about his hobbies.

1454
00:40:19,584 --> 00:40:20,877
- Hi.

1455
00:40:19,584 --> 00:40:20,877
- Hi.

1456
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:23,213
- Um, I'm Amy.

1457
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:23,213
- Braden.

1458
00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:24,672
- Braden,

1459
00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:24,672
nice to meet you, Braden.

1460
00:40:24,714 --> 00:40:26,799
- Nice to meet you.

1461
00:40:24,714 --> 00:40:26,799
I like your wedding ring.

1462
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:28,801
- Shit! Um...

1463
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:30,303
(AMY CLEARS THROAT)

1464
00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:32,805
(STUTTERS) Okay, you see,

1465
00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:32,805
this is a funny story.

1466
00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:35,516
I was, um...

1467
00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:35,516
I was grocery shopping

1468
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,270
{\an1}and I found it on the floor,

1469
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,270
and I picked it up and...

1470
00:40:38,311 --> 00:40:39,562
and then I put it on.

1471
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,731
{\an1}- I'm gonna sit somewhere else.

1472
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,731
- Okay.

1473
00:40:43,275 --> 00:40:44,943
{\an1}- Ooh, maybe next time, try it

1474
00:40:43,275 --> 00:40:44,943
without your wedding ring.

1475
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,569
- Oh, that's a great idea!

1476
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,569
- Yeah?

1477
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:48,113
- Yes.

1478
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:48,113
- Hey, ladies.

1479
00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:50,240
- Hi!

1480
00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:50,240
{\an1}- Where are you comin' in from?

1481
00:40:50,282 --> 00:40:53,159
- Uh, we live in Westbury

1482
00:40:50,282 --> 00:40:53,159
with our kids.

1483
00:40:54,286 --> 00:40:56,246
- Great. Oh.

1484
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:58,373
- Oh, forget it.

1485
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:58,373
{\an1}I'm really nervous, you guys.

1486
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,208
{\an5}- You're doing great.

1487
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,208
- I know. There is...

1488
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,208
- You're doing great.

1489
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:01,960
- Look it, there is

1490
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:01,960
so much cock in here...

1491
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,711
- Yeah.

1492
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,711
{\an1}- ...that if you literally...

1493
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:06,214
Just try to act half normal

1494
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:06,214
and you are gonna get laid.

1495
00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:08,383
Just don't be such a mom.

1496
00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:08,383
- Okay.

1497
00:41:09,342 --> 00:41:10,802
You should eat more soup.

1498
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:13,012
Oh, I loved breastfeeding

1499
00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:14,555
until my nipples

1500
00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:14,555
started cracking.

1501
00:41:15,307 --> 00:41:17,350
{\an1}This should prevent the stain

1502
00:41:15,307 --> 00:41:17,350
from setting, okay?

1503
00:41:18,643 --> 00:41:20,519
Tupperware! Pinterest!

1504
00:41:20,561 --> 00:41:22,355
Explosive diarrhea!

1505
00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:23,731
Does your mom know

1506
00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:23,731
you're here?

1507
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:27,735
See, it wasn't just about

1508
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:27,735
{\an1}a dolphin getting a new tail.

1509
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:29,946
It was about

1510
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:29,946
a family coming together.

1511
00:41:34,242 --> 00:41:35,285
What did I say?

1512
00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,411
(LAUGHS)

1513
00:41:36,453 --> 00:41:37,662
Hey! Where are you going?

1514
00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:39,538
Oh, my God, you guys.

1515
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:41,707
- How'd it go?

1516
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:41,707
- Oh, horrible.

1517
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:43,126
- What's the matter, hon?

1518
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:43,126
- What happened?

1519
00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:45,878
- I suck at this.

1520
00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:45,878
I just wanna go home.

1521
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,963
- Oh!

1522
00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:48,673
- I really do.

1523
00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:48,673
- Amy!

1524
00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:49,882
- Mmm.

1525
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,927
Jessie!

1526
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,927
{\an1}- What are you guys doing here?

1527
00:41:52,969 --> 00:41:55,805
- We're just, you know,

1528
00:41:52,969 --> 00:41:55,805
{\an1}having a little girls' night.

1529
00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:59,267
{\an1}- Cool, so the husband's at home

1530
00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:59,267
with the kids? That's nice.

1531
00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,559
- Oh, mmm...

1532
00:42:01,311 --> 00:42:03,646
My husband's not really

1533
00:42:01,311 --> 00:42:03,646
in the picture anymore.

1534
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:04,981
- Yeah, yeah,

1535
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:04,981
she caught him jerking off

1536
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:06,107
with a dairy farmer.

1537
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:07,608
- He's a sex criminal.

1538
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:10,736
(CHUCKLES) I don't know

1539
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:10,736
{\an1}where to start. Are you okay?

1540
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,031
- I'm actually really,

1541
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,031
really good. Yeah.

1542
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:15,700
- I'm glad I ran into you.

1543
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:15,700
This is really nice.

1544
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:16,868
- Yeah, me, too.

1545
00:42:17,327 --> 00:42:18,328
- Me, too.

1546
00:42:18,703 --> 00:42:20,163
- Okay, creepy. Let's go.

1547
00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:21,414
Let's go, creepy.

1548
00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:21,414
- Yeah.

1549
00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:22,665
(CLEARS THROAT)

1550
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:24,625
Have fun.

1551
00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:27,295
- You are so hard.

1552
00:42:27,712 --> 00:42:29,339
{\an1}Really, he's got a hard body.

1553
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:32,675
- Thank you. I think.

1554
00:42:32,717 --> 00:42:35,303
- I cannot believe Amy is

1555
00:42:32,717 --> 00:42:35,303
talking to Jessie Harkness.

1556
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,638
I have dreams

1557
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,638
about him braiding my hair.

1558
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,308
{\an5}- Okay, can you not stand

1559
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,308
so close to me? Because

1560
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,308
{\an1}I'm still tryin' to get laid.

1561
00:42:40,350 --> 00:42:42,310
- Yeah, sure. No problem.

1562
00:42:40,350 --> 00:42:42,310
{\an1}- Okay. And don't dance walk.

1563
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:50,193
- You work at the, uh,

1564
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:50,193
coffee company, right?

1565
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:53,946
- What? Yeah.

1566
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:53,946
Wait, how did you know?

1567
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,990
- I might have asked around

1568
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,990
about you a little bit.

1569
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:59,618
- Wait. You asked about me?

1570
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:59,618
- Yeah.

1571
00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:00,745
Yeah, I...

1572
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,249
Okay, I've kind of always

1573
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,249
had a thing for you and...

1574
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,125
- What?

1575
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,125
- I thought you knew that.

1576
00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:09,128
- No! I had no idea.

1577
00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:09,128
- No? You had no idea?

1578
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:11,672
Oh, come on. You're like

1579
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:11,672
{\an1}my favorite mom at the school.

1580
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:13,758
I mean, I honestly

1581
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:13,758
don't know how you do it.

1582
00:43:13,799 --> 00:43:15,468
You take your kids

1583
00:43:13,799 --> 00:43:15,468
to all those activities,

1584
00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:16,844
and you do all those

1585
00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:16,844
insane projects.

1586
00:43:16,886 --> 00:43:18,430
I saw your Richard Nixon,

1587
00:43:16,886 --> 00:43:18,430
by the way.

1588
00:43:18,471 --> 00:43:20,348
That was incredible.

1589
00:43:18,471 --> 00:43:20,348
- Well, you know what?

1590
00:43:20,390 --> 00:43:22,308
I do have a little thing

1591
00:43:20,390 --> 00:43:22,308
for papier-mâché.

1592
00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:24,269
- It was really good.

1593
00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:24,269
- Thank you.

1594
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,438
{\an1}- Oh, and are you kidding me

1595
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,438
with those lunches?

1596
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:28,856
{\an4}My daughter's always saying,

1597
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:28,856
"Why can't you make lunch

1598
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:28,856
like Dylan's mom?"

1599
00:43:28,898 --> 00:43:30,525
- Oh, my God,

1600
00:43:28,898 --> 00:43:30,525
I love your daughter.

1601
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,193
{\an1}- You're making me look bad.

1602
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,193
- Oh, my God.

1603
00:43:32,235 --> 00:43:35,029
Oh, this makes me so happy.

1604
00:43:32,235 --> 00:43:35,029
(CHUCKLES)

1605
00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:37,282
- You know what's

1606
00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:37,282
{\an1}just really amazing, though,

1607
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:39,576
is the fact that your kids

1608
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:39,576
are actually nice people.

1609
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:42,078
- Meh, eh...

1610
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:42,078
- No, no, I'm serious!

1611
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:46,332
{\an1}Anyone could force their kids

1612
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:46,332
{\an1}to play cello or speak Chinese

1613
00:43:46,374 --> 00:43:47,875
or, you know,

1614
00:43:46,374 --> 00:43:47,875
go to a fancy college,

1615
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:49,168
or something like that, but

1616
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:52,130
what's really hard

1617
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:52,130
is raising kids

1618
00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:53,839
who are actually

1619
00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:53,839
decent and kind

1620
00:43:53,881 --> 00:43:56,426
{\an1}and somehow you've done that.

1621
00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,344
And you should be

1622
00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,344
really proud.

1623
00:43:58,386 --> 00:43:59,720
You're a fuckin' great mom.

1624
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:04,601
(GROANS) Oh, oh...

1625
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:07,437
- Oh, my.

1626
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:07,437
- I'm so sorry.

1627
00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:09,606
{\an5}- It's fine.

1628
00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:09,606
Don't worry about it.

1629
00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:09,606
- And I'm so embarrassed.

1630
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:14,026
{\an1}- You kinda nailed my face, but

1631
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:14,026
{\an1}we should probably do it again.

1632
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,154
- Are you sure?

1633
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,154
- Just no sudden movements.

1634
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:18,615
Just nice and slow.

1635
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:26,539
- Carla. Carla!

1636
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:26,539
- What, hon?

1637
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:27,624
{\an1}- Carla, look, look, look, look!

1638
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:28,707
- No, Kiki.

1639
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,335
No, Kiki! Kiki, no, no.

1640
00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:38,259
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

1641
00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,280
(CHUCKLES)

1642
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,579
- Mike!

1643
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,579
- Hey, babe!

1644
00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,457
- What are you doing?

1645
00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,457
{\an1}- I wanna get back together.

1646
00:45:09,499 --> 00:45:12,544
I never should've left you.

1647
00:45:09,499 --> 00:45:12,544
That was a total dick move.

1648
00:45:13,294 --> 00:45:15,796
{\an1}And I feel like we should just

1649
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:18,216
put that in the past

1650
00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:18,216
and not talk about it.

1651
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:21,093
- Wait, what are you

1652
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:21,093
talking about?

1653
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:23,846
- Look, I...

1654
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,307
I just needed a break.

1655
00:45:26,349 --> 00:45:27,933
Haven't you ever

1656
00:45:26,349 --> 00:45:27,933
needed a break?

1657
00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:30,228
- Of course I have, Mike.

1658
00:45:30,562 --> 00:45:32,813
But I didn't break up

1659
00:45:30,562 --> 00:45:32,813
our family to do it.

1660
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,357
(SIGHS)

1661
00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,150
- I miss the kids.

1662
00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,528
So much.

1663
00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:40,863
Mostly Dylan, but even Jane

1664
00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:40,863
a little bit, too.

1665
00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,366
And the dog, God,

1666
00:45:40,905 --> 00:45:43,366
I miss Roscoe so much.

1667
00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:45,201
How is he doin'?

1668
00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:45,201
- He's fine.

1669
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:47,995
{\an1}- Thank God. The bottom line is,

1670
00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:50,789
I will do whatever it takes

1671
00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:50,789
{\an1}to keep this family together.

1672
00:45:51,790 --> 00:45:52,791
- Really?

1673
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,378
You'll finally go

1674
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,378
to therapy with me?

1675
00:45:55,420 --> 00:45:56,879
- I knew you were

1676
00:45:55,420 --> 00:45:56,879
gonna say that!

1677
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,339
Therapy is so dumb!

1678
00:45:58,381 --> 00:45:59,716
- Great. Get out!

1679
00:45:58,381 --> 00:45:59,716
Have fun. Bye-bye.

1680
00:45:59,756 --> 00:46:01,300
- Hey! I'm tryin' to do

1681
00:45:59,756 --> 00:46:01,300
the right thing!

1682
00:46:01,342 --> 00:46:02,843
- Bye, bye, bye.

1683
00:46:01,342 --> 00:46:02,843
- Honestly!

1684
00:46:02,885 --> 00:46:04,429
All right, you know what?

1685
00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:05,971
{\an1}Even though it's a total waste

1686
00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:05,971
of time and money,

1687
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,432
I will go to therapy.

1688
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:09,766
- But when I say go,

1689
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:09,766
I mean, like actually go,

1690
00:46:09,808 --> 00:46:11,519
like participate, cry.

1691
00:46:11,561 --> 00:46:13,521
- I haven't cried since

1692
00:46:11,561 --> 00:46:13,521
{\an1}the Cubbies lost it all in '03.

1693
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,314
How do you expect me...

1694
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,314
- Mike, you know what?

1695
00:46:15,356 --> 00:46:17,275
{\an1}Have fun with your little weirdo

1696
00:46:15,356 --> 00:46:17,275
girlfriend on the Internet.

1697
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:19,944
- But wait, are we gonna go

1698
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:19,944
to therapy or what?

1699
00:46:19,985 --> 00:46:21,112
- I'll think about it.

1700
00:46:33,332 --> 00:46:34,417
Hey.

1701
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:37,587
(CRYING)

1702
00:46:39,171 --> 00:46:41,382
Honey? Honey, are you okay?

1703
00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:44,885
{\an1}- Coach says I'm not starting.

1704
00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:44,885
I'm a benchwarmer.

1705
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:47,096
- Wait, what?

1706
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:47,096
No, that's impossible.

1707
00:46:47,138 --> 00:46:48,889
You're the best forward

1708
00:46:47,138 --> 00:46:48,889
on that team.

1709
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,225
{\an1}- Oh, my God, my life is ruined.

1710
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,225
I'm never going to college.

1711
00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:53,269
I might as well just

1712
00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:53,269
become a teacher.

1713
00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:55,354
- Baby, baby, look at me

1714
00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:55,354
for one second.

1715
00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,649
{\an1}You'll be okay. I promise you

1716
00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,649
I'm gonna handle this.

1717
00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:59,609
Okay?

1718
00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:59,609
- Okay.

1719
00:46:59,651 --> 00:47:00,901
- Okay.

1720
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:01,818
- Just please

1721
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:01,818
don't make a scene.

1722
00:47:02,861 --> 00:47:04,530
- Honey, I would

1723
00:47:02,861 --> 00:47:04,530
never embarrass you.

1724
00:47:07,450 --> 00:47:08,743
(GRUNTS)

1725
00:47:08,993 --> 00:47:10,495
- Gwendolyn made me do it!

1726
00:47:10,953 --> 00:47:13,830
- Are you kidding me?

1727
00:47:10,953 --> 00:47:13,830
- What is it with you moms?

1728
00:47:13,872 --> 00:47:16,459
I am a middle school

1729
00:47:13,872 --> 00:47:16,459
soccer coach.

1730
00:47:16,501 --> 00:47:18,043
All I wanna do

1731
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:20,505
is make enough money

1732
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:20,505
to feed my cats

1733
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,131
and fill my fuckin' Prius.

1734
00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:24,425
- Grow some balls! Jesus!

1735
00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:26,260
Hey!

1736
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:29,305
How dare you

1737
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:29,305
bench my daughter?

1738
00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:31,056
- Oh, hi, Amy.

1739
00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:33,309
{\an1}- You have no right to do that.

1740
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:34,935
- Oh, actually, I do,

1741
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:37,938
uh, because soccer is

1742
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:37,938
a PTA-sponsored activity

1743
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:41,233
and I am the president

1744
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:41,233
of the PTA. So...

1745
00:47:42,193 --> 00:47:44,737
- Okay.

1746
00:47:45,029 --> 00:47:46,197
Uh...

1747
00:47:47,156 --> 00:47:48,449
Well, um...

1748
00:47:50,409 --> 00:47:51,619
Not for long.

1749
00:47:51,661 --> 00:47:54,038
{\an1}- Oh, dear. What does that mean?

1750
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,708
- That means I'm gonna run

1751
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,708
{\an1}against you for PTA president.

1752
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:58,167
- Oh.

1753
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:58,167
(LAUGHS)

1754
00:48:00,837 --> 00:48:03,130
(WHISPERING) Amy's husband

1755
00:48:00,837 --> 00:48:03,130
just recently left her,

1756
00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:06,676
so she's kind of having

1757
00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:06,676
{\an1}a mental breakdown right now.

1758
00:48:06,967 --> 00:48:08,636
- Oh, that's so sad.

1759
00:48:09,345 --> 00:48:10,471
- Ooh.

1760
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:15,976
You're goin' down.

1761
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:17,102
- No, honey,

1762
00:48:17,562 --> 00:48:19,063
the only thing going down

1763
00:48:19,104 --> 00:48:20,857
is your husband

1764
00:48:19,104 --> 00:48:20,857
on another woman.

1765
00:48:21,232 --> 00:48:22,483
- Well, damn.

1766
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,987
KIKI:

1767
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,987
{\an1}This is a terrible idea, Amy.

1768
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:28,865
There's no way

1769
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:28,865
you can beat her.

1770
00:48:29,156 --> 00:48:30,867
Gwendolyn has been

1771
00:48:29,156 --> 00:48:30,867
president of the PTA

1772
00:48:30,907 --> 00:48:33,870
for the last six years.

1773
00:48:30,907 --> 00:48:33,870
{\an1}- Kiki, she messed with my kid.

1774
00:48:33,910 --> 00:48:36,288
I can't let that stand.

1775
00:48:33,910 --> 00:48:36,288
Come on!

1776
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,374
KIKI: Right, but all the

1777
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,374
different mom groups

1778
00:48:38,416 --> 00:48:40,042
{\an1}are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.

1779
00:48:40,084 --> 00:48:42,712
{\an1}She's got the attachment moms,

1780
00:48:40,084 --> 00:48:42,712
she's got the tiger moms,

1781
00:48:42,754 --> 00:48:43,880
the sad moms.

1782
00:48:43,920 --> 00:48:45,882
{\an1}- She has the blogging moms.

1783
00:48:45,922 --> 00:48:47,132
{\an1}- She's got the CrossFit moms.

1784
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:48,175
- Camel toe moms.

1785
00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:49,886
- She's got the drunk moms.

1786
00:48:49,926 --> 00:48:51,220
{\an1}- The moms that you wanna fuck.

1787
00:48:51,262 --> 00:48:52,847
{\an1}- The moms that used to be dads.

1788
00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:55,224
{\an1}- She has the moms that always

1789
00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:55,224
have a limb broken.

1790
00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:57,602
- The hairy moms.

1791
00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:57,602
- The wearable art moms.

1792
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,061
The juicing moms.

1793
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,061
- Mmm-hmm.

1794
00:48:59,103 --> 00:49:01,063
- She has the moms

1795
00:48:59,103 --> 00:49:01,063
with the huge areolas.

1796
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,816
- The black moms,

1797
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,816
the lesbian moms,

1798
00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:05,276
the divorced moms.

1799
00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:07,486
She even has the divorced

1800
00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:07,486
black lesbian moms.

1801
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:09,196
That is a really

1802
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:09,196
hard group to get.

1803
00:49:09,238 --> 00:49:10,656
- I love those girls.

1804
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:14,951
- Plus, Amy, if you lose,

1805
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:14,951
she'll destroy you.

1806
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:18,163
{\an5}She'll put your kids

1807
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:18,163
in all the dumb classes

1808
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:18,163
with all the dum-dums.

1809
00:49:18,205 --> 00:49:19,498
She'll give 'em

1810
00:49:18,205 --> 00:49:19,498
the crappy teachers.

1811
00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:20,792
{\an1}You can forget about soccer,

1812
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:22,334
she won't even

1813
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:22,334
give your kids milk.

1814
00:49:22,376 --> 00:49:25,962
{\an1}- But that's all the more reason

1815
00:49:22,376 --> 00:49:25,962
we have to bring her down.

1816
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:27,465
I mean, you guys,

1817
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:27,465
she's a bully!

1818
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,467
Okay, she wants us all

1819
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,467
to be these perfect

1820
00:49:29,508 --> 00:49:30,927
{\an1}little Nazi-moms and our kids

1821
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:34,138
to be hyper-stressed

1822
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:34,138
and overscheduled.

1823
00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:38,142
My daughter gets a new rash

1824
00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:38,142
every week, and she's 12.

1825
00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:39,477
- You had me at Nazi.

1826
00:49:40,144 --> 00:49:43,731
I say we go punch

1827
00:49:40,144 --> 00:49:43,731
{\an1}that chick right in the tits.

1828
00:49:43,773 --> 00:49:45,065
- Yes!

1829
00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:46,692
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

1830
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:50,696
- Would you like a new

1831
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:50,696
PTA president? Me, too!

1832
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,031
{\an1}- Hi. Meet the Candidate night

1833
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,031
tomorrow night, 7:30.

1834
00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:55,534
{\an1}- Oh, here, honey. Take one.

1835
00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:55,534
Vote for Amy. Really?

1836
00:49:55,576 --> 00:49:56,993
- Amy Mitchell.

1837
00:49:55,576 --> 00:49:56,993
PTA president candidate.

1838
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:59,246
Come tomorrow 7:30,

1839
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:59,246
Meet the Candidate night.

1840
00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:00,790
PTA president.

1841
00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:02,625
- Take it!

1842
00:50:02,667 --> 00:50:04,460
- Okay!

1843
00:50:02,667 --> 00:50:04,460
- Great!

1844
00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:06,879
(LAUGHING)

1845
00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:09,507
- I'll fuck your husband

1846
00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:09,507
{\an1}if you don't go. I'll fuck him!

1847
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:10,675
- Vote for Amy!

1848
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:11,843
- Carla, get her!

1849
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:13,845
CARLA: Hey!

1850
00:50:15,179 --> 00:50:16,681
{\an1}Don't you fuckin' run from me!

1851
00:50:15,179 --> 00:50:16,681
Don't you fuckin'...

1852
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:17,723
Ah!

1853
00:50:20,977 --> 00:50:21,978
(CHUCKLES)

1854
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:23,270
- So cute.

1855
00:50:25,021 --> 00:50:26,565
- So, how many people

1856
00:50:25,021 --> 00:50:26,565
do you think are

1857
00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:28,108
coming to the

1858
00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:28,108
Meet the Candidate night?

1859
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:29,986
- Well, I told all the moms

1860
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:29,986
that I would

1861
00:50:30,026 --> 00:50:32,237
bang their husbands

1862
00:50:30,026 --> 00:50:32,237
{\an1}if they didn't show up, so...

1863
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,490
(AMY CHUCKLES) Carla.

1864
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,490
{\an1}- A lot. My answer is a lot.

1865
00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:35,992
- Thank you, Kiki.

1866
00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:35,992
- Mmm-hmm.

1867
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:40,120
- Oh, Jesus, you guys,

1868
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:40,120
look at the kids.

1869
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:41,956
My daughter

1870
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:41,956
won't stop studying.

1871
00:50:42,206 --> 00:50:43,207
CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.

1872
00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:46,293
All my kid wants to do

1873
00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:46,293
{\an1}with books is rip 'em in half.

1874
00:50:48,212 --> 00:50:50,464
- I just wish I knew

1875
00:50:48,212 --> 00:50:50,464
how I was doing, you know?

1876
00:50:51,047 --> 00:50:53,384
{\an1}- Yeah, that's the worst part

1877
00:50:51,047 --> 00:50:53,384
about being a mom, though,

1878
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:54,760
is you don't know

1879
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,303
whether or not

1880
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,303
you're doing a good job

1881
00:50:56,345 --> 00:50:57,680
until they're fully grown.

1882
00:50:57,722 --> 00:50:59,598
- And by that point,

1883
00:50:57,722 --> 00:50:59,598
it's too late.

1884
00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:01,600
(AMY SIGHS)

1885
00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:01,600
{\an1}Your kid is either a nice guy

1886
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,978
or he's givin' hand jobs

1887
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,978
in an alley for rent.

1888
00:51:04,020 --> 00:51:05,938
- I don't think those are

1889
00:51:04,020 --> 00:51:05,938
the only two options.

1890
00:51:05,980 --> 00:51:07,398
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

1891
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,861
Yesterday I gave Bernard

1892
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,861
the wrong juice box

1893
00:51:11,903 --> 00:51:14,321
{\an1}and he called me a dumb bitch.

1894
00:51:14,363 --> 00:51:16,032
- Oh, my God.

1895
00:51:14,363 --> 00:51:16,032
- Okay.

1896
00:51:16,072 --> 00:51:18,283
My kid still watches

1897
00:51:16,072 --> 00:51:18,283
<i>Sesame Street </i>

1898
00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:20,036
and he doesn't get it.

1899
00:51:20,076 --> 00:51:21,328
(CHUCKLES)

1900
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:23,873
- My daughter's

1901
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:23,873
scared of balloons.

1902
00:51:24,373 --> 00:51:25,958
- My kid eats butter

1903
00:51:24,373 --> 00:51:25,958
like an entrée.

1904
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:27,710
{\an1}- You gonna eat your butter?

1905
00:51:27,752 --> 00:51:29,420
- My daughter stole money

1906
00:51:27,752 --> 00:51:29,420
from a homeless woman.

1907
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:30,462
(KIKI EXHALES)

1908
00:51:30,755 --> 00:51:32,548
- My son failed study hall.

1909
00:51:32,590 --> 00:51:34,132
- Claire killed

1910
00:51:32,590 --> 00:51:34,132
our neighbor's ferret.

1911
00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:36,176
I mean, we all pretended

1912
00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:36,176
like it was an accident,

1913
00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:37,970
but it wasn't.

1914
00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:39,931
She's a killer.

1915
00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:41,473
(LAUGHING)

1916
00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,018
- Ugh...

1917
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:47,145
I know

1918
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:47,145
we make fun of them,

1919
00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:49,023
{\an1}but fuck, I love them so much.

1920
00:51:49,065 --> 00:51:50,066
KIKI: Me, too.

1921
00:51:51,275 --> 00:51:52,818
I would literally

1922
00:51:51,275 --> 00:51:52,818
die for them right now.

1923
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,820
- Oh, you're making me cry.

1924
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,820
(SNIFFLES)

1925
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:57,031
- I'm already there.

1926
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:57,031
I mean, oh, my God,

1927
00:51:57,073 --> 00:51:58,908
you guys,

1928
00:51:57,073 --> 00:51:58,908
children are such a gift.

1929
00:51:58,950 --> 00:52:00,826
- Every time

1930
00:51:58,950 --> 00:52:00,826
I think about that big,

1931
00:52:00,868 --> 00:52:02,578
dumb motherfucker

1932
00:52:00,868 --> 00:52:02,578
goin' off to college,

1933
00:52:02,620 --> 00:52:03,955
I wanna cry like a baby.

1934
00:52:05,163 --> 00:52:06,248
(BLOWS NOSE)

1935
00:52:14,799 --> 00:52:16,132
- This sucks.

1936
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:17,468
I can't believe

1937
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:17,468
you're making me cook

1938
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:19,344
my own breakfast

1939
00:52:17,509 --> 00:52:19,344
every single day.

1940
00:52:19,845 --> 00:52:22,556
{\an1}- You're doing awesome, buddy.

1941
00:52:19,845 --> 00:52:22,556
You really are.

1942
00:52:22,932 --> 00:52:24,725
- Hey, so where's

1943
00:52:22,932 --> 00:52:24,725
my science project?

1944
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:26,602
- Oh, I didn't do it.

1945
00:52:26,644 --> 00:52:27,979
- What? But it's due today.

1946
00:52:28,020 --> 00:52:30,022
- Yeah. Yeah.

1947
00:52:28,020 --> 00:52:30,022
- That's so unfair!

1948
00:52:30,064 --> 00:52:31,857
{\an1}- I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

1949
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:33,358
But you're gonna

1950
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:33,358
actually have to start

1951
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:34,860
doing your own homework

1952
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:34,860
from now on.

1953
00:52:35,987 --> 00:52:38,114
{\an1}- I am a slow learner, remember?

1954
00:52:38,154 --> 00:52:41,408
{\an1}- You're not a slow learner.

1955
00:52:38,154 --> 00:52:41,408
You're just entitled.

1956
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,453
Honey, do you know

1957
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,453
what "entitled" means?

1958
00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:47,289
- No.

1959
00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:47,289
{\an1}Because I'm a slow learner.

1960
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:52,670
{\an1}- It means that Mommy and Daddy

1961
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:52,670
have been spoiling you,

1962
00:52:52,711 --> 00:52:55,589
and now you think the world

1963
00:52:52,711 --> 00:52:55,589
owes you something,

1964
00:52:55,631 --> 00:52:57,173
but it doesn't.

1965
00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:59,760
And if you don't learn

1966
00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:59,760
how to work hard now,

1967
00:52:59,802 --> 00:53:01,261
{\an1}then you're just gonna grow up

1968
00:53:01,303 --> 00:53:03,263
to be like another

1969
00:53:01,303 --> 00:53:03,263
entitled white dude

1970
00:53:03,305 --> 00:53:05,683
who thinks he's awesome

1971
00:53:03,305 --> 00:53:05,683
for no reason.

1972
00:53:05,724 --> 00:53:07,601
And then you'll start

1973
00:53:05,724 --> 00:53:07,601
a ska band,

1974
00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:11,022
and it'll be awful,

1975
00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:11,022
{\an1}and you'll be mean to girls,

1976
00:53:11,063 --> 00:53:13,107
and you'll grow

1977
00:53:11,063 --> 00:53:13,107
this ironic mustache

1978
00:53:13,149 --> 00:53:14,733
to look interesting,

1979
00:53:14,775 --> 00:53:16,318
but you won't actually

1980
00:53:14,775 --> 00:53:16,318
be interesting,

1981
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:17,778
and I'm not okay with that.

1982
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,279
So will you please,

1983
00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:22,116
please, just do

1984
00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:22,116
your own homework?

1985
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,327
- Fine. Jesus!

1986
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:26,411
- Great.

1987
00:53:31,207 --> 00:53:32,543
I love you.

1988
00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:38,007
- So where are

1989
00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:38,007
your kids tonight?

1990
00:53:38,049 --> 00:53:39,466
- Oh, they're staying

1991
00:53:38,049 --> 00:53:39,466
at a friend's house.

1992
00:53:39,508 --> 00:53:41,217
- I gave my kid $10

1993
00:53:39,508 --> 00:53:41,217
and a cell phone

1994
00:53:41,259 --> 00:53:42,594
and I dropped him off

1995
00:53:41,259 --> 00:53:42,594
at Arby's.

1996
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,220
He'll be fine for hours.

1997
00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:46,098
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1998
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:47,223
CARLA: (GASPS)

1999
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:47,223
Somebody's here.

2000
00:53:47,265 --> 00:53:48,475
- Amy for president!

2001
00:53:47,265 --> 00:53:48,475
AMY: Yes!

2002
00:53:50,895 --> 00:53:52,938
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

2003
00:53:52,980 --> 00:53:55,315
{\an1}Thank you so much for coming.

2004
00:53:56,108 --> 00:53:59,070
- I didn't want her

2005
00:53:56,108 --> 00:53:59,070
to bang my husband.

2006
00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,530
- No, she was just kidding.

2007
00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:02,573
- Oh.

2008
00:54:02,907 --> 00:54:04,491
{\an1}(MOUTHING): I wasn't kidding.

2009
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:06,577
- Ugh.

2010
00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:09,287
- Come in, come in.

2011
00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:09,287
{\an1}I'm sorry, nobody's here yet.

2012
00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:11,165
- Yeah, well, I figured,

2013
00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:12,541
{\an5}what with Gwendolyn's party

2014
00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:12,541
and everything.

2015
00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:12,541
(CHUCKLES)

2016
00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:15,794
{\an1}- I'm sorry, what did you say?

2017
00:54:16,378 --> 00:54:17,922
- Oh, nuts.

2018
00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:19,882
You didn't know.

2019
00:54:19,924 --> 00:54:22,258
Gwendolyn decided

2020
00:54:19,924 --> 00:54:22,258
to throw a competing party

2021
00:54:22,300 --> 00:54:23,552
at her house.

2022
00:54:23,594 --> 00:54:26,055
And she has Martha Stewart.

2023
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,600
- How would you like to try

2024
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,600
these special meatballs?

2025
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,810
{\an1}- Now, I don't have anything

2026
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,810
nice to say to anyone,

2027
00:54:31,852 --> 00:54:34,021
but I have to tell you,

2028
00:54:31,852 --> 00:54:34,021
I just love you.

2029
00:54:34,063 --> 00:54:35,564
I've always

2030
00:54:34,063 --> 00:54:35,564
wanted to be you, actually.

2031
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:36,982
- Yes.

2032
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:36,982
- Oh.

2033
00:54:37,024 --> 00:54:38,400
- Martha, sweetheart.

2034
00:54:37,024 --> 00:54:38,400
- Hi, hi.

2035
00:54:38,442 --> 00:54:41,528
{\an1}- Everything looks so beautiful.

2036
00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:44,240
- Well, thank you so much,

2037
00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:44,240
{\an1}and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

2038
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:45,741
- It's been nice

2039
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:45,741
talking to you, Martha,

2040
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:46,909
but I have things to do.

2041
00:54:46,951 --> 00:54:48,577
Stop talking to her.

2042
00:54:46,951 --> 00:54:48,577
- Okay.

2043
00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:50,788
- Um, ladies? Hi, can I get

2044
00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:50,788
your attention, please?

2045
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,249
{\an5}Eyes here

2046
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,249
{\an1}so I know you're hearing me.

2047
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:53,249
PARTY GUESTS: Shh.

2048
00:54:53,289 --> 00:54:56,418
{\an1}- Listen, the program is gonna

2049
00:54:53,289 --> 00:54:56,418
{\an1}begin in about five minutes,

2050
00:54:56,460 --> 00:54:58,336
{\an1}so take your assigned seats,

2051
00:54:56,460 --> 00:54:58,336
okay?

2052
00:54:58,796 --> 00:55:00,131
Right now. Do it right now.

2053
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,340
- I can't believe Gwendolyn

2054
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,340
would do this.

2055
00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:03,884
- I'm so sorry, sweetie.

2056
00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:08,764
{\an1}- You guys, what are we gonna do

2057
00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:08,764
with all this shitty wine?

2058
00:55:09,098 --> 00:55:11,225
- For the next two hours,

2059
00:55:09,098 --> 00:55:11,225
I'm gonna talk to you guys

2060
00:55:11,267 --> 00:55:13,769
about the advantages

2061
00:55:11,267 --> 00:55:13,769
of year-round school.

2062
00:55:13,811 --> 00:55:15,229
WOMAN 1: Hmm.

2063
00:55:15,271 --> 00:55:18,398
- We need to change

2064
00:55:15,271 --> 00:55:18,398
our children's future

2065
00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:23,445
by making them go to school

2066
00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:23,445
365 days a year.

2067
00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:24,738
(LAUGHING)

2068
00:55:24,780 --> 00:55:26,115
- Three, two, one, go!

2069
00:55:26,157 --> 00:55:27,241
(GASPS)

2070
00:55:26,157 --> 00:55:27,241
- Catfish!

2071
00:55:27,283 --> 00:55:28,324
- Did she say it?

2072
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:29,785
- Drink again, drink again!

2073
00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:30,953
- Why am I the one

2074
00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:30,953
that's always drinking?

2075
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:32,621
- Because you said

2076
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:32,621
the clue word.

2077
00:55:32,663 --> 00:55:33,872
{\an1}KIKI: That's when you say it.

2078
00:55:33,914 --> 00:55:35,249
{\an1}- I don't understand this game.

2079
00:55:35,291 --> 00:55:37,042
- It's not a reading game!

2080
00:55:35,291 --> 00:55:37,042
(CARLA LAUGHING)

2081
00:55:37,084 --> 00:55:38,169
Okay, go.

2082
00:55:38,210 --> 00:55:39,962
- Amy.

2083
00:55:38,210 --> 00:55:39,962
- What?

2084
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:42,214
Emu!

2085
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:42,214
- No, Amy!

2086
00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:43,381
(INDISTINCT)

2087
00:55:43,423 --> 00:55:44,925
- It said fuckin' "emu"!

2088
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,011
- You're not good at this.

2089
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,011
(LAUGHING)

2090
00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:49,263
- Drink! Drink again!

2091
00:55:49,972 --> 00:55:52,308
- I'm gonna take you

2092
00:55:49,972 --> 00:55:52,308
back a little bit.

2093
00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:54,643
Genghis Khan.

2094
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,145
Do you think he had

2095
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,145
year-round schooling?

2096
00:55:57,021 --> 00:55:58,480
I think not.

2097
00:55:58,522 --> 00:56:00,274
Skip forward a little bit.

2098
00:56:00,316 --> 00:56:01,900
Osama bin Laden.

2099
00:56:00,316 --> 00:56:01,900
(PHONES RINGING)

2100
00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:04,569
He didn't have

2101
00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:04,569
year-round school.

2102
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:07,198
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

2103
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:11,035
{\an1}There's nothing more dangerous

2104
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:11,035
than summer vacation.

2105
00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:12,286
WOMAN 2: Yeah, let's go.

2106
00:56:12,328 --> 00:56:14,163
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

2107
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,749
{\an1}- Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.

2108
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,749
Come in, come in, come in.

2109
00:56:18,374 --> 00:56:19,960
Wow, there's a lot of you.

2110
00:56:20,669 --> 00:56:21,712
Ooh.

2111
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:28,177
- Sure you can't stay

2112
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:28,177
a bit longer?

2113
00:56:28,219 --> 00:56:29,845
- I've only got

2114
00:56:28,219 --> 00:56:29,845
my sitter until 9:00.

2115
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,555
So I have to skedaddle

2116
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,555
right now.

2117
00:56:31,596 --> 00:56:32,931
- Okay. No, I understand.

2118
00:56:31,596 --> 00:56:32,931
I'm a mom.

2119
00:56:33,724 --> 00:56:36,143
{\an1}- I had such a great night. Bye!

2120
00:56:36,185 --> 00:56:38,729
{\an1}- Well, that ended a lot earlier

2121
00:56:36,185 --> 00:56:38,729
than I anticipated.

2122
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:39,771
- Yeah.

2123
00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:42,107
- You don't think

2124
00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:42,107
they're all going over

2125
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:44,235
to Amy's party, do you?

2126
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:44,235
(LAUGHS)

2127
00:56:44,276 --> 00:56:46,945
- Vicky, we had Martha

2128
00:56:44,276 --> 00:56:46,945
{\an1}fuckin' Stewart here tonight.

2129
00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:48,446
Who does Amy have, hmm?

2130
00:56:51,407 --> 00:56:52,951
- I'll drive.

2131
00:56:51,407 --> 00:56:52,951
{\an1}- She could have a point, yeah.

2132
00:56:52,993 --> 00:56:55,120
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

2133
00:56:55,371 --> 00:56:56,872
- The party is raging.

2134
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:57,998
- What a turnout.

2135
00:56:59,208 --> 00:57:00,918
- Hi, would you ladies

2136
00:56:59,208 --> 00:57:00,918
like a Jell-O shot?

2137
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:03,587
- Is that... Is that...

2138
00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:05,130
Martha Stewart?

2139
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:06,548
KIKI: Thank you.

2140
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:06,548
AMY: Martha.

2141
00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:08,424
-Oh, my God.

2142
00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:08,424
MARTHA: Good, right?

2143
00:57:08,466 --> 00:57:09,801
- I'm cumming.

2144
00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:12,221
{\an1}- Oh, my God. What's in this?

2145
00:57:12,263 --> 00:57:15,057
- Well, it's bespoke

2146
00:57:12,263 --> 00:57:15,057
lingonberry gelatin...

2147
00:57:15,099 --> 00:57:17,059
- Mmm.

2148
00:57:15,099 --> 00:57:17,059
{\an1}- ...and a shitload of vodka.

2149
00:57:17,393 --> 00:57:19,770
{\an1}(CHUCKLES) They're delicious.

2150
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:22,147
- I start my day

2151
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:22,147
with six of these.

2152
00:57:22,189 --> 00:57:23,815
(ALL LAUGHING)

2153
00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:26,985
- Drink! Drink!

2154
00:57:27,027 --> 00:57:29,696
Drink! Drink! Drink!

2155
00:57:30,072 --> 00:57:31,531
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

2156
00:57:58,934 --> 00:58:00,311
- Whoo!

2157
00:58:27,087 --> 00:58:28,380
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

2158
00:58:28,839 --> 00:58:30,007
- Whoo!

2159
00:58:28,839 --> 00:58:30,007
(CHEERING)

2160
00:58:30,048 --> 00:58:31,342
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

2161
00:59:03,832 --> 00:59:05,542
- Holy shit.

2162
00:59:10,547 --> 00:59:12,841
{\an1}- Is that Jennifer Noonan peeing

2163
00:59:12,883 --> 00:59:15,010
behind that car?

2164
00:59:12,883 --> 00:59:15,010
STACY: Oh, my goodness.

2165
00:59:15,052 --> 00:59:17,221
VICKY: This party

2166
00:59:15,052 --> 00:59:17,221
looks awesome!

2167
00:59:17,637 --> 00:59:18,930
I need to go to this party.

2168
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:20,098
- What? Vicky!

2169
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:20,098
- Whoo!

2170
00:59:21,392 --> 00:59:23,143
- Please, shut up!

2171
00:59:21,392 --> 00:59:23,143
{\an1}Just shut up for one second.

2172
00:59:23,185 --> 00:59:24,602
I know it's a school night,

2173
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:26,771
so we're just gonna

2174
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:26,771
get right down to it.

2175
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:31,360
I wanna introduce you

2176
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:31,360
{\an1}to your next PTA president...

2177
00:59:31,735 --> 00:59:33,237
(ALL CHEERING)

2178
00:59:33,278 --> 00:59:35,655
Amy Mitchell!

2179
00:59:38,909 --> 00:59:39,993
- Yes!

2180
00:59:43,830 --> 00:59:45,707
- First of all,

2181
00:59:43,830 --> 00:59:45,707
I just wanna say this,

2182
00:59:45,749 --> 00:59:50,254
{\an1}that I think that we, as moms,

2183
00:59:45,749 --> 00:59:50,254
do way too much stuff.

2184
00:59:50,712 --> 00:59:53,382
And if I'm elected,

2185
00:59:50,712 --> 00:59:53,382
I promise you

2186
00:59:53,424 --> 00:59:56,051
we are gonna do way less.

2187
00:59:56,301 --> 00:59:57,761
- Whoo!

2188
00:59:57,802 --> 01:00:00,556
- Right? Less PTA meetings,

2189
00:59:57,802 --> 01:00:00,556
less luncheons,

2190
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:03,934
less fuckin' bake sales,

2191
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:03,934
just less bullshit!

2192
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,185
(CHEERING)

2193
01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:08,146
{\an1}AMY: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

2194
01:00:08,188 --> 01:00:09,647
And I think our kids

2195
01:00:08,188 --> 01:00:09,647
need a break, too, guys.

2196
01:00:09,689 --> 01:00:13,110
Come on, now, school starts

2197
01:00:09,689 --> 01:00:13,110
{\an1}way too fucking early, okay?

2198
01:00:13,151 --> 01:00:14,778
God, and they have way

2199
01:00:13,151 --> 01:00:14,778
too much homework.

2200
01:00:14,819 --> 01:00:17,531
Our kids don't have time

2201
01:00:14,819 --> 01:00:17,531
{\an1}to be kids anymore, am I right?

2202
01:00:17,573 --> 01:00:19,491
(ALL AGREEING)

2203
01:00:19,741 --> 01:00:22,160
{\an1}And what is up with these five

2204
01:00:19,741 --> 01:00:22,160
standardized tests a week?

2205
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,121
We should not be

2206
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,121
teaching our kids

2207
01:00:24,162 --> 01:00:25,705
how to be good test-takers.

2208
01:00:25,747 --> 01:00:28,208
We should be teaching them

2209
01:00:25,747 --> 01:00:28,208
how to be good people!

2210
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,087
{\an1}- What is a standardized test?

2211
01:00:32,129 --> 01:00:35,757
- If you're a mom, who's

2212
01:00:32,129 --> 01:00:35,757
overworked, overstressed,

2213
01:00:35,799 --> 01:00:39,636
or if you're just a mom

2214
01:00:35,799 --> 01:00:39,636
who wants to do less...

2215
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:41,138
WOMEN: Yes!

2216
01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:43,348
WOMAN: Mmm-hmm.

2217
01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:43,348
- ...then just vote for me.

2218
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:45,517
(ALL CHEERING)

2219
01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:53,317
(CHANTING) Amy! Amy!

2220
01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:53,317
Amy! Amy! Amy!

2221
01:00:53,609 --> 01:00:56,653
{\an1}- This basic bitch right here,

2222
01:00:53,609 --> 01:00:56,653
{\an1}she's gonna win the election.

2223
01:00:57,112 --> 01:00:58,696
- No, she's not.

2224
01:00:58,738 --> 01:01:01,866
{\an1}Because I'm going to hit her

2225
01:00:58,738 --> 01:01:01,866
where it counts.

2226
01:01:02,117 --> 01:01:03,994
- You're gonna punch her

2227
01:01:02,117 --> 01:01:03,994
in the vagina?

2228
01:01:04,035 --> 01:01:06,871
{\an1}- I literally don't know why

2229
01:01:04,035 --> 01:01:06,871
{\an1}we hang out with you anymore.

2230
01:01:07,414 --> 01:01:09,707
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

2231
01:01:16,881 --> 01:01:19,217
{\an1}- Do you know the best thing

2232
01:01:16,881 --> 01:01:19,217
about mom parties?

2233
01:01:19,551 --> 01:01:21,970
They end at exactly 11:00.

2234
01:01:19,551 --> 01:01:21,970
(CHUCKLES)

2235
01:01:23,347 --> 01:01:25,849
- I made out with

2236
01:01:23,347 --> 01:01:25,849
so many women tonight.

2237
01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:27,934
- I know.

2238
01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:27,934
KIKI: Guys...

2239
01:01:28,852 --> 01:01:31,146
I really like whippets.

2240
01:01:31,188 --> 01:01:32,272
(LAUGHING)

2241
01:01:32,314 --> 01:01:33,482
- Hello?

2242
01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:37,361
- Wow. Hey.

2243
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:40,364
What are you doin' here?

2244
01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:44,909
- Well, you kinda

2245
01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:44,909
booty texted me.

2246
01:01:45,327 --> 01:01:46,370
- Uh...

2247
01:01:46,786 --> 01:01:48,038
- What?

2248
01:01:48,079 --> 01:01:50,248
- It was a great party, Am.

2249
01:01:48,079 --> 01:01:50,248
So, uh...

2250
01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:51,708
- Okay.

2251
01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:51,708
- You got all this, right?

2252
01:01:51,749 --> 01:01:53,669
- Hi, Jessie.

2253
01:01:51,749 --> 01:01:53,669
I really like your clothes.

2254
01:01:54,752 --> 01:01:55,962
- That was odd.

2255
01:01:54,752 --> 01:01:55,962
(CARLA WHISPERS INAUDIBLY)

2256
01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:57,506
{\an1}(AMY CHUCKLES) I'm so sorry.

2257
01:01:59,174 --> 01:02:00,175
- Um...

2258
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,472
{\an1}I actually think Carla may have

2259
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,472
{\an1}booty texted you off my phone.

2260
01:02:05,514 --> 01:02:07,891
- Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)

2261
01:02:05,514 --> 01:02:07,891
Okay, that makes sense

2262
01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:10,977
because what she wrote

2263
01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:10,977
was fuckin' disturbing.

2264
01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:12,937
- Sorry.

2265
01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:12,937
- It's okay.

2266
01:02:13,813 --> 01:02:15,732
Um, I don't know.

2267
01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:17,859
Should I leave?

2268
01:02:20,237 --> 01:02:21,530
- No.

2269
01:02:24,616 --> 01:02:25,617
Uh...

2270
01:02:26,993 --> 01:02:28,745
- I was really hoping

2271
01:02:26,993 --> 01:02:28,745
you'd say that.

2272
01:02:30,288 --> 01:02:31,915
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

2273
01:02:38,338 --> 01:02:41,258
- So what exactly

2274
01:02:38,338 --> 01:02:41,258
did Carla text you?

2275
01:02:43,468 --> 01:02:44,802
- Why don't I show you?

2276
01:02:44,844 --> 01:02:46,096
(GASPS): Oh.

2277
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:47,889
Okay.

2278
01:02:51,643 --> 01:02:52,644
(GASPS)

2279
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:56,814
Oh, yes!

2280
01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:58,942
(BOTH MOAN)

2281
01:03:05,532 --> 01:03:08,201
{\an1}AMY: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

2282
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,621
Oh, that was...

2283
01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:12,372
Unbelievable.

2284
01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:12,372
- I can't...

2285
01:03:12,706 --> 01:03:14,082
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

2286
01:03:14,124 --> 01:03:15,375
- What was that...

2287
01:03:14,124 --> 01:03:15,375
- Wow.

2288
01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:16,876
{\an1}- That thing you did at the end?

2289
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:18,503
(LAUGHS): I don't know.

2290
01:03:18,545 --> 01:03:20,464
I kinda came up with it

2291
01:03:18,545 --> 01:03:20,464
in the moment.

2292
01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:22,382
Was it okay?

2293
01:03:22,424 --> 01:03:23,634
{\an1}- Oh, my God, it was amazing!

2294
01:03:22,424 --> 01:03:23,634
- Yeah?

2295
01:03:23,675 --> 01:03:25,385
- That was by far

2296
01:03:23,675 --> 01:03:25,385
the best I've ever had.

2297
01:03:25,427 --> 01:03:27,763
- Oh, God.

2298
01:03:25,427 --> 01:03:27,763
Oh, I was so worried.

2299
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:29,556
You know, it's been awhile

2300
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:29,556
since I've done this.

2301
01:03:30,265 --> 01:03:32,183
- I think I got pregnant.

2302
01:03:30,265 --> 01:03:32,183
(LAUGHS)

2303
01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:34,686
Oh, my God. Really. Hey.

2304
01:03:34,728 --> 01:03:37,814
- Ah, yeah.

2305
01:03:34,728 --> 01:03:37,814
{\an1}- Can I go down on you again?

2306
01:03:37,855 --> 01:03:39,816
{\an1}- Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

2307
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:41,192
- Cool.

2308
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:41,192
- Okay.

2309
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:43,069
- Okay. Okay.

2310
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:43,069
- Oh, my God.

2311
01:03:43,361 --> 01:03:45,155
- Okay.

2312
01:03:43,361 --> 01:03:45,155
- All right.

2313
01:03:45,196 --> 01:03:46,448
- Oh.

2314
01:03:46,490 --> 01:03:48,158
(GASPS) Oh.

2315
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:50,410
Oh, look at you go.

2316
01:03:55,081 --> 01:03:56,374
{\an1}VICKY: God, it's dark in here.

2317
01:03:59,294 --> 01:04:00,545
(WHISPERING): Oh, God.

2318
01:04:00,587 --> 01:04:02,130
I still don't understand

2319
01:04:00,587 --> 01:04:02,130
what we're doing.

2320
01:04:02,172 --> 01:04:03,423
- Stop it.

2321
01:04:03,465 --> 01:04:04,758
- You guys never tell me

2322
01:04:03,465 --> 01:04:04,758
what we're...

2323
01:04:10,305 --> 01:04:12,349
GWENDOLYN: Vicky,

2324
01:04:10,305 --> 01:04:12,349
{\an1}why are you so fuckin' stupid?

2325
01:04:15,686 --> 01:04:17,937
DR. KARL: I like to start

2326
01:04:15,686 --> 01:04:17,937
by saying

2327
01:04:17,979 --> 01:04:20,524
that every marriage

2328
01:04:17,979 --> 01:04:20,524
is savable.

2329
01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:22,900
You just need two people

2330
01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:22,900
{\an1}who are willing to work at it.

2331
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:24,277
Okay?

2332
01:04:25,529 --> 01:04:27,656
Mike, Amy, I want you

2333
01:04:25,529 --> 01:04:27,656
to look at each other

2334
01:04:27,698 --> 01:04:31,075
and say three things that

2335
01:04:27,698 --> 01:04:31,075
you like about each other.

2336
01:04:33,411 --> 01:04:34,746
Mike?

2337
01:04:34,788 --> 01:04:37,624
- Can I go second?

2338
01:04:34,788 --> 01:04:37,624
- Okay. Yeah, sure.

2339
01:04:37,666 --> 01:04:39,292
Uh, Amy?

2340
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:44,172
{\an1}- Okay, uh, Mike, I like that

2341
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:44,172
you gave me my children.

2342
01:04:44,506 --> 01:04:47,133
{\an1}Uh, I like that you pick them

2343
01:04:44,506 --> 01:04:47,133
up from school sometimes.

2344
01:04:47,175 --> 01:04:49,511
{\an1}It's actually really helpful.

2345
01:04:50,178 --> 01:04:54,224
And, uh, I like that

2346
01:04:50,178 --> 01:04:54,224
you came to therapy today.

2347
01:04:54,725 --> 01:04:56,852
- Okay, Mike. Your turn.

2348
01:04:54,725 --> 01:04:56,852
- Okay.

2349
01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:59,813
I like your spaghetti.

2350
01:05:01,189 --> 01:05:03,233
And you make

2351
01:05:01,189 --> 01:05:03,233
pretty good calzone.

2352
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:06,403
Was that three?

2353
01:05:06,444 --> 01:05:10,365
{\an1}- That was like one and then 1A.

2354
01:05:11,575 --> 01:05:12,784
You know what?

2355
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:15,245
Um, let's try

2356
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:15,245
some role playing.

2357
01:05:15,953 --> 01:05:18,248
All right, Amy, I want you

2358
01:05:15,953 --> 01:05:18,248
to pretend to be Mike,

2359
01:05:18,956 --> 01:05:22,126
and Mike, I want you

2360
01:05:18,956 --> 01:05:22,126
to pretend to be Amy.

2361
01:05:22,669 --> 01:05:24,671
{\an1}Okay? And now I just want you

2362
01:05:24,713 --> 01:05:27,090
to just tell me

2363
01:05:24,713 --> 01:05:27,090
about your day.

2364
01:05:29,217 --> 01:05:30,594
(IN FALSETTO) Hi, I'm Amy.

2365
01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:33,513
All I did today was like,

2366
01:05:33,555 --> 01:05:36,558
{\an1}rub lotion on my face and...

2367
01:05:36,600 --> 01:05:38,769
talk, talk, talk, talk.

2368
01:05:38,810 --> 01:05:39,936
- Okay. Uh...

2369
01:05:41,062 --> 01:05:43,147
Amy, would you like to...

2370
01:05:41,062 --> 01:05:43,147
- Yes, I would!

2371
01:05:45,609 --> 01:05:47,235
Hey, I'm Mike.

2372
01:05:47,778 --> 01:05:49,028
Um...

2373
01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:51,448
My life is awesome

2374
01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:51,448
because my wife

2375
01:05:51,489 --> 01:05:53,575
takes care of everything

2376
01:05:51,489 --> 01:05:53,575
in the world for me.

2377
01:05:53,617 --> 01:05:55,702
- This is the problem!

2378
01:05:53,617 --> 01:05:55,702
Here's the bottom line!

2379
01:05:55,744 --> 01:05:58,580
{\an5}She's a perfectionist.

2380
01:05:55,744 --> 01:05:58,580
So what's the point

2381
01:05:55,744 --> 01:05:58,580
of even trying, okay?

2382
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:01,291
{\an5}- How is that a problem?

2383
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:01,291
- And she hasn't

2384
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:01,291
given me a blowie

2385
01:06:01,332 --> 01:06:03,000
since my birthday

2386
01:06:01,332 --> 01:06:03,000
five years ago!

2387
01:06:03,042 --> 01:06:04,878
Which is so not cool!

2388
01:06:04,920 --> 01:06:06,212
- Hold on one second!

2389
01:06:06,254 --> 01:06:07,547
You want a blowie?

2390
01:06:07,589 --> 01:06:09,132
Maybe if you

2391
01:06:07,589 --> 01:06:09,132
cleaned the kitchen,

2392
01:06:09,173 --> 01:06:10,842
made the kids dinner,

2393
01:06:10,884 --> 01:06:13,052
cared for someone

2394
01:06:10,884 --> 01:06:13,052
other than yourself,

2395
01:06:13,094 --> 01:06:14,429
I would give you

2396
01:06:13,094 --> 01:06:14,429
so many blowies

2397
01:06:14,471 --> 01:06:16,222
your fuckin' dick

2398
01:06:14,471 --> 01:06:16,222
would explode.

2399
01:06:16,264 --> 01:06:18,015
{\an1}- My dick would never explode

2400
01:06:16,264 --> 01:06:18,015
'cause it's indestructible.

2401
01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:21,018
- I can't deal with you!

2402
01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:21,018
{\an1}I can't fucking look at you.

2403
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:22,061
I'm...

2404
01:06:22,938 --> 01:06:24,355
Mike, I...

2405
01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:25,816
I don't love you anymore.

2406
01:06:25,857 --> 01:06:28,443
I'm so sorry,

2407
01:06:25,857 --> 01:06:28,443
but I just don't.

2408
01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:30,987
I'm so sick and tired

2409
01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:30,987
of pretending like I do.

2410
01:06:32,280 --> 01:06:35,909
{\an1}- That is exactly how I feel.

2411
01:06:41,665 --> 01:06:42,666
- Okay...

2412
01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:47,545
Remember when I said that

2413
01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:47,545
all marriages are savable?

2414
01:06:49,798 --> 01:06:51,716
Well, it ain't gonna happen

2415
01:06:49,798 --> 01:06:51,716
for you guys.

2416
01:06:53,050 --> 01:06:54,761
- So what do you think

2417
01:06:53,050 --> 01:06:54,761
we should do?

2418
01:06:55,178 --> 01:06:56,847
- Well, as a therapist,

2419
01:06:55,178 --> 01:06:56,847
I'm not allowed

2420
01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:58,640
to tell you what to do,

2421
01:06:58,682 --> 01:07:03,227
{\an1}but, uh, as a human being with

2422
01:06:58,682 --> 01:07:03,227
{\an1}two fuckin' eyes in my head,

2423
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:07,357
{\an1}yeah, I think you should get

2424
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:07,357
{\an1}divorced as soon as possible.

2425
01:07:08,065 --> 01:07:09,860
This is some

2426
01:07:08,065 --> 01:07:09,860
catastrophic shit.

2427
01:07:33,424 --> 01:07:35,010
{\an1}- I think it's for the best.

2428
01:07:35,802 --> 01:07:37,012
- Yeah. Me, too.

2429
01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:41,766
- Can I give you a hug?

2430
01:07:45,979 --> 01:07:49,148
Oh, Mike. I'm so sorry.

2431
01:07:45,979 --> 01:07:49,148
(SIGHS DEEPLY)

2432
01:07:51,985 --> 01:07:53,236
- I'm sorry, too.

2433
01:07:53,778 --> 01:07:54,779
AMY: Mmm.

2434
01:07:59,617 --> 01:08:01,285
- You gotta watch out

2435
01:07:59,617 --> 01:08:01,285
for you first.

2436
01:08:01,327 --> 01:08:03,705
AMY: Dale, why is there

2437
01:08:01,327 --> 01:08:03,705
{\an1}a security guard in my office?

2438
01:08:03,747 --> 01:08:05,415
{\an1}- Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,

2439
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:08,209
but we're gonna have

2440
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:08,209
{\an1}to positively transition you.

2441
01:08:08,251 --> 01:08:09,419
- Are you firing me?

2442
01:08:09,460 --> 01:08:11,462
- Yuck.

2443
01:08:09,460 --> 01:08:11,462
Okay, that's not my word.

2444
01:08:11,504 --> 01:08:13,924
I don't like that word.

2445
01:08:11,504 --> 01:08:13,924
But, yes, I'm firing you.

2446
01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:15,216
- Why?

2447
01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,843
- Well, you quit

2448
01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:16,843
comin' to the office.

2449
01:08:16,885 --> 01:08:19,804
{\an1}- Okay, maybe I've been slacking

2450
01:08:16,885 --> 01:08:19,804
off a little bit, but...

2451
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:22,599
Tessa took two weeks off

2452
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:22,599
when Jon Snow died

2453
01:08:22,640 --> 01:08:24,851
on<i> Game of Thrones, </i>

2454
01:08:22,640 --> 01:08:24,851
{\an1}and he's not even a real person.

2455
01:08:24,893 --> 01:08:27,520
{\an5}- To be fair,

2456
01:08:24,893 --> 01:08:27,520
we all took two weeks off

2457
01:08:24,893 --> 01:08:27,520
when Jon Snow died.

2458
01:08:27,562 --> 01:08:29,606
You're the only person that

2459
01:08:27,562 --> 01:08:29,606
didn't take two weeks off.

2460
01:08:30,314 --> 01:08:31,524
But as a token

2461
01:08:30,314 --> 01:08:31,524
of appreciation

2462
01:08:31,566 --> 01:08:33,026
for your six years

2463
01:08:31,566 --> 01:08:33,026
with the company,

2464
01:08:33,068 --> 01:08:34,945
{\an1}I got you a very special gift.

2465
01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:39,783
{\an1}- You got me the four-ounce bag?

2466
01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:41,284
Couldn't even splurge

2467
01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:41,284
for the eight?

2468
01:08:41,952 --> 01:08:42,953
(SCREAMS)

2469
01:08:49,250 --> 01:08:50,710
(PHONE RINGING)

2470
01:08:52,754 --> 01:08:54,297
What?

2471
01:08:54,338 --> 01:08:55,548
-<i> Ms. Mitchell, </i>

2472
01:08:54,338 --> 01:08:55,548
<i>this is Principal Burr. </i>

2473
01:08:55,590 --> 01:08:56,841
<i>We need you to come in. </i>

2474
01:08:56,883 --> 01:08:58,718
- Okay, okay.

2475
01:08:56,883 --> 01:08:58,718
I'll be right there,

2476
01:08:58,760 --> 01:09:01,512
{\an1}and I'm very sorry, Principal,

2477
01:08:58,760 --> 01:09:01,512
{\an1}for how I answered the phone.

2478
01:09:04,933 --> 01:09:06,643
I'm sorry. You found what?

2479
01:09:06,684 --> 01:09:09,687
{\an1}- I found marijuana cigarettes

2480
01:09:06,684 --> 01:09:09,687
in your daughter's locker.

2481
01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:12,398
{\an1}Now, it looks like Sour Diesel

2482
01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:12,398
or a little Afghan Kush.

2483
01:09:12,440 --> 01:09:14,651
- That's impossible.

2484
01:09:12,440 --> 01:09:14,651
She's only 12.

2485
01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:17,445
{\an1}- It happens. Snoop been smokin'

2486
01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:17,445
since he was five.

2487
01:09:17,487 --> 01:09:18,905
- Those aren't mine.

2488
01:09:18,947 --> 01:09:20,740
{\an1}I mean, Mom, I swear to God,

2489
01:09:18,947 --> 01:09:20,740
they're not mine.

2490
01:09:20,782 --> 01:09:22,283
- Baby, I believe you.

2491
01:09:22,325 --> 01:09:24,119
- And why were you looking

2492
01:09:22,325 --> 01:09:24,119
in my locker anyway?

2493
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:27,330
- We were tipped off

2494
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:27,330
by a concerned parent.

2495
01:09:28,081 --> 01:09:29,707
- Wait a minute.

2496
01:09:29,749 --> 01:09:32,376
Was this concerned parent's

2497
01:09:29,749 --> 01:09:32,376
name Gwendolyn James?

2498
01:09:32,418 --> 01:09:34,545
{\an5}- Hey, listen, I don't know

2499
01:09:32,418 --> 01:09:34,545
{\an1}nothin' about Gwendolyn James,

2500
01:09:32,418 --> 01:09:34,545
all right?

2501
01:09:34,587 --> 01:09:36,131
That woman scares me.

2502
01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:39,342
{\an1}What I do know is this school is

2503
01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:39,342
a zero tolerance school,

2504
01:09:39,383 --> 01:09:40,760
so that means that

2505
01:09:39,383 --> 01:09:40,760
your daughter's banned

2506
01:09:40,802 --> 01:09:42,345
from all extra-curricular

2507
01:09:40,802 --> 01:09:42,345
activities.

2508
01:09:42,386 --> 01:09:43,763
- What does that mean?

2509
01:09:43,805 --> 01:09:45,181
- That means you're

2510
01:09:43,805 --> 01:09:45,181
off the soccer team.

2511
01:09:45,222 --> 01:09:46,516
- What?

2512
01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:49,644
- Oh, my God.

2513
01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:49,644
- Hey, my hands were tied.

2514
01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:52,438
- Honey, baby, hold on.

2515
01:09:54,065 --> 01:09:56,400
- That little girl

2516
01:09:54,065 --> 01:09:56,400
rolls a real tight jay.

2517
01:09:57,735 --> 01:09:59,070
- This is all your fault.

2518
01:09:59,112 --> 01:10:00,947
Why did you mess

2519
01:09:59,112 --> 01:10:00,947
with Gwendolyn James?

2520
01:10:00,989 --> 01:10:02,824
- Sweetie, I am so sorry.

2521
01:10:02,866 --> 01:10:04,701
Honey, please,

2522
01:10:02,866 --> 01:10:04,701
I didn't mean for this.

2523
01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:06,536
{\an1}- Yes, you did mean to, Mom!

2524
01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:09,747
You were sick

2525
01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:09,747
of being a mom, so you quit

2526
01:10:09,789 --> 01:10:13,250
and you started partying

2527
01:10:09,789 --> 01:10:13,250
{\an1}with your weird, new friends,

2528
01:10:13,292 --> 01:10:15,461
and blowing off work,

2529
01:10:13,292 --> 01:10:15,461
and oh, yeah,

2530
01:10:15,503 --> 01:10:18,548
having sex with

2531
01:10:15,503 --> 01:10:18,548
Lori Harkness' dad.

2532
01:10:19,007 --> 01:10:20,008
So gross!

2533
01:10:20,591 --> 01:10:22,677
{\an1}- Honey, I know that you're mad.

2534
01:10:22,719 --> 01:10:24,929
I get it.

2535
01:10:22,719 --> 01:10:24,929
- You are so selfish, Mom.

2536
01:10:24,971 --> 01:10:28,016
You are so selfish

2537
01:10:24,971 --> 01:10:28,016
{\an1}and it frigging sucks, okay?

2538
01:10:28,058 --> 01:10:29,266
- Baby, I'm so sorry.

2539
01:10:29,308 --> 01:10:31,102
Tell me,

2540
01:10:29,308 --> 01:10:31,102
how can I make this better?

2541
01:10:31,144 --> 01:10:33,312
- No. I wanna stay

2542
01:10:31,144 --> 01:10:33,312
with Dad tonight.

2543
01:10:33,354 --> 01:10:34,856
Even he's a better

2544
01:10:33,354 --> 01:10:34,856
parent than you.

2545
01:10:35,523 --> 01:10:36,524
(SIGHS)

2546
01:10:43,740 --> 01:10:44,866
- Oh, my God.

2547
01:10:45,742 --> 01:10:48,452
- Guys! Guys, guys.

2548
01:10:45,742 --> 01:10:48,452
Did you hear?

2549
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:51,330
Amy Mitchell's daughter

2550
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:51,330
got busted for drugs.

2551
01:10:51,664 --> 01:10:53,332
- What? No way!

2552
01:10:53,624 --> 01:10:55,543
- Look, I am not blaming

2553
01:10:53,624 --> 01:10:55,543
Amy Mitchell.

2554
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,712
{\an5}I mean, my God,

2555
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,712
I would never...

2556
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,712
- Of course.

2557
01:10:57,754 --> 01:10:59,214
{\an1}- ...ever judge another mother,

2558
01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:01,465
but I think we really

2559
01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:01,465
have to ask ourselves,

2560
01:11:01,507 --> 01:11:03,342
do we want someone who is

2561
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:06,345
that reckless

2562
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:06,345
and irresponsible

2563
01:11:06,387 --> 01:11:10,600
{\an1}and mentally unhinged alcoholic

2564
01:11:06,387 --> 01:11:10,600
to be president of the PTA?

2565
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:12,685
I don't know.

2566
01:11:12,727 --> 01:11:14,562
- You know what?

2567
01:11:12,727 --> 01:11:14,562
I never even liked her.

2568
01:11:14,604 --> 01:11:16,231
She looks foreign.

2569
01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:18,608
- Oh, God. Ugh, foreigners.

2570
01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:18,608
Listen.

2571
01:11:18,649 --> 01:11:20,359
I think now

2572
01:11:18,649 --> 01:11:20,359
we just need to pray

2573
01:11:20,401 --> 01:11:21,986
that Amy's little

2574
01:11:20,401 --> 01:11:21,986
crackhead daughter

2575
01:11:22,028 --> 01:11:23,487
gets the help she needs.

2576
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:25,740
(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)

2577
01:11:28,409 --> 01:11:30,995
{\an1}- Mike, if Janey needs anything,

2578
01:11:28,409 --> 01:11:30,995
and I mean anything,

2579
01:11:31,037 --> 01:11:32,747
just please call me.

2580
01:11:32,789 --> 01:11:34,665
- Babe, it's gonna be fine.

2581
01:11:32,789 --> 01:11:34,665
I'm stayin' at the Waldorf.

2582
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:37,293
They got an indoor-outdoor

2583
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:37,293
pool, room service,

2584
01:11:37,334 --> 01:11:38,419
18-hole golf course.

2585
01:11:37,334 --> 01:11:38,419
It's killer.

2586
01:11:38,461 --> 01:11:40,337
{\an1}- You're staying at the Waldorf?

2587
01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:43,216
God, this is a divorce,

2588
01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:43,216
{\an1}not a luxury vacation, Mike.

2589
01:11:43,258 --> 01:11:44,801
- It's a safe hotel.

2590
01:11:44,842 --> 01:11:47,678
- Wait, bye, angel!

2591
01:11:44,842 --> 01:11:47,678
{\an1}Have so much fun with Daddy!

2592
01:11:48,721 --> 01:11:50,181
Can I get a hug?

2593
01:11:51,849 --> 01:11:54,144
No? Okay. Okay.

2594
01:11:55,770 --> 01:11:58,273
Oh, no, buddy, wait.

2595
01:11:55,770 --> 01:11:58,273
You're also going?

2596
01:11:58,314 --> 01:12:00,733
- Dylan, you know

2597
01:11:58,314 --> 01:12:00,733
the hotel has TVs.

2598
01:12:00,775 --> 01:12:02,610
You don't have

2599
01:12:00,775 --> 01:12:02,610
to bring your own.

2600
01:12:02,652 --> 01:12:03,653
(ROSCOE WHINES)

2601
01:12:04,779 --> 01:12:08,032
- Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.

2602
01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:10,660
- Oh, the Waldorf's

2603
01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:10,660
{\an1}dog-friendly, so don't worry.

2604
01:12:10,701 --> 01:12:12,078
Yeah. So.

2605
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:13,746
- Mike, please go.

2606
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:13,746
- Yeah.

2607
01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:19,669
- Bye, kids.

2608
01:12:22,338 --> 01:12:23,339
(SIGHS)

2609
01:12:26,259 --> 01:12:27,927
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)

2610
01:13:54,805 --> 01:13:57,725
PRINCIPAL BURR:<i> Welcome</i>

2611
01:13:54,805 --> 01:13:57,725
{\an1}<i>to the annual PTA election. </i>

2612
01:13:58,893 --> 01:14:00,853
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

2613
01:14:02,813 --> 01:14:05,275
We will start with

2614
01:14:02,813 --> 01:14:05,275
the candidates' statements,

2615
01:14:05,316 --> 01:14:07,944
and since only one

2616
01:14:05,316 --> 01:14:07,944
bothered to show up,

2617
01:14:08,778 --> 01:14:10,154
she will go first.

2618
01:14:11,322 --> 01:14:12,865
Gwendolyn,

2619
01:14:11,322 --> 01:14:12,865
you have five minutes.

2620
01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:17,578
- Thank you.

2621
01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:17,578
{\an1}I'll talk as long as I want.

2622
01:14:17,620 --> 01:14:19,205
(TV PLAYING)

2623
01:14:25,086 --> 01:14:27,380
{\an1}- God, this movie's depressing.

2624
01:14:27,422 --> 01:14:29,006
CARLA: (KNOCKING) Amy!

2625
01:14:27,422 --> 01:14:29,006
{\an1}- Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

2626
01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:30,716
- It's Kiki's fault.

2627
01:14:30,758 --> 01:14:32,635
{\an5}Sorry we're late, honey.

2628
01:14:30,758 --> 01:14:32,635
So sorry.

2629
01:14:30,758 --> 01:14:32,635
KIKI: I had to pee.

2630
01:14:32,676 --> 01:14:33,886
- What's happening?

2631
01:14:32,676 --> 01:14:33,886
Why aren't you ready?

2632
01:14:33,928 --> 01:14:35,054
What's going on?

2633
01:14:35,096 --> 01:14:36,347
{\an1}- What are you talking about?

2634
01:14:36,806 --> 01:14:38,682
- It's the PTA election.

2635
01:14:38,724 --> 01:14:41,602
- Oh, my God, no.

2636
01:14:38,724 --> 01:14:41,602
{\an1}Sorry, I'm not going to that.

2637
01:14:41,644 --> 01:14:43,104
- What? Why not?

2638
01:14:43,354 --> 01:14:47,358
- Oh, I don't know. Maybe

2639
01:14:43,354 --> 01:14:47,358
because my husband left me,

2640
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:48,692
my kids left me.

2641
01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,611
My fucking dog left me.

2642
01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:53,530
All the moms in school

2643
01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:53,530
hate me, and I am

2644
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:57,285
a complete and

2645
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:57,285
utter failure as a mother.

2646
01:14:57,327 --> 01:14:59,495
{\an1}- First of all, you're so not

2647
01:14:57,327 --> 01:14:59,495
a failure as a mother.

2648
01:14:59,536 --> 01:15:02,373
In fact, you're the best

2649
01:14:59,536 --> 01:15:02,373
{\an1}mother that we've ever seen.

2650
01:15:02,415 --> 01:15:03,458
- True that.

2651
01:15:03,499 --> 01:15:05,542
- You give your kids salad.

2652
01:15:05,584 --> 01:15:07,544
You remember

2653
01:15:05,584 --> 01:15:07,544
your kids' birthdays.

2654
01:15:08,129 --> 01:15:10,256
I mean, I sat here

2655
01:15:08,129 --> 01:15:10,256
and watched you wait

2656
01:15:10,298 --> 01:15:12,967
until your kid fell asleep

2657
01:15:10,298 --> 01:15:12,967
before you got high.

2658
01:15:13,009 --> 01:15:15,594
- Well, most moms do that,

2659
01:15:13,009 --> 01:15:15,594
Carla.

2660
01:15:16,262 --> 01:15:17,596
(WHISPERS)

2661
01:15:16,262 --> 01:15:17,596
That's most moms, yeah.

2662
01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:19,849
- Well, whatever.

2663
01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:19,849
This is the worst thing

2664
01:15:19,890 --> 01:15:22,352
I've ever seen you do.

2665
01:15:19,890 --> 01:15:22,352
You've quit trying.

2666
01:15:23,394 --> 01:15:25,104
We don't quit!

2667
01:15:23,394 --> 01:15:25,104
Moms don't quit!

2668
01:15:25,146 --> 01:15:27,357
- No! Quitting is for dads!

2669
01:15:27,398 --> 01:15:28,441
- Uh...

2670
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:30,943
Listen, no matter

2671
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:30,943
what shit is thrown at us,

2672
01:15:30,985 --> 01:15:32,611
us moms, we have to just...

2673
01:15:33,737 --> 01:15:35,281
We have to just keep going.

2674
01:15:33,737 --> 01:15:35,281
- Mmm-hmm.

2675
01:15:35,323 --> 01:15:36,782
- And do you know why?

2676
01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:38,659
- Because we have

2677
01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:38,659
low self-esteem.

2678
01:15:38,701 --> 01:15:40,328
- No. No, no.

2679
01:15:41,287 --> 01:15:43,456
{\an1}It's because we love our kids.

2680
01:15:43,498 --> 01:15:44,915
It's because

2681
01:15:43,498 --> 01:15:44,915
we love our stupid,

2682
01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:47,293
selfish, ungrateful,

2683
01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:47,293
little shit-faces!

2684
01:15:47,335 --> 01:15:48,711
That's why.

2685
01:15:48,752 --> 01:15:51,130
We love 'em so much

2686
01:15:48,752 --> 01:15:51,130
that we would do...

2687
01:15:51,755 --> 01:15:53,257
{\an1}Literally anything for them.

2688
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:55,759
- You guys,

2689
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:55,759
I can't win the election.

2690
01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:58,513
- Oh, my God! This is not

2691
01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:58,513
about the election.

2692
01:15:58,554 --> 01:16:00,556
Amy, sit up.

2693
01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:03,184
{\an5}This is about

2694
01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:03,184
standing up to the bitch

2695
01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:03,184
that hurt your little girl!

2696
01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:07,480
{\an5}Now, are you gonna sit here

2697
01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:07,480
and let Gwendolyn

2698
01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:07,480
get away with this shit?

2699
01:16:07,522 --> 01:16:09,315
- Don't do it, Amy.

2700
01:16:07,522 --> 01:16:09,315
- Fuck that!

2701
01:16:09,357 --> 01:16:10,566
Fuck it!

2702
01:16:11,192 --> 01:16:12,609
You are gonna rise up

2703
01:16:12,651 --> 01:16:14,529
like a small, little

2704
01:16:12,651 --> 01:16:14,529
white Apollo Creed

2705
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:17,907
{\an5}and you are gonna

2706
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:17,907
look at Gwendolyn

2707
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:17,907
and you are gonna say,

2708
01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:21,035
{\an5}"You can do

2709
01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:21,035
what you want to me,

2710
01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:21,035
{\an1}I don't care, throw it at me,

2711
01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:24,914
{\an5}"but you fucked

2712
01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:24,914
with my daughter,

2713
01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:24,914
{\an1}and now I have to fight you.

2714
01:16:25,998 --> 01:16:28,125
"I will fight you

2715
01:16:25,998 --> 01:16:28,125
in the playground.

2716
01:16:28,167 --> 01:16:31,087
"I will fight you

2717
01:16:28,167 --> 01:16:31,087
in the cafeteria.

2718
01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:34,631
{\an1}"I will even fight you in the

2719
01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:34,631
{\an1}parking lot of Trader Joe's...

2720
01:16:36,342 --> 01:16:40,054
"But I will have justice

2721
01:16:36,342 --> 01:16:40,054
for my little girl,

2722
01:16:40,096 --> 01:16:42,932
{\an1}"because I am a fucking mom...

2723
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:47,686
"And we protect our young."

2724
01:16:50,189 --> 01:16:52,275
So get up off this couch,

2725
01:16:52,316 --> 01:16:55,361
turn off<i> 12 Years a Slave </i>

2726
01:16:55,403 --> 01:16:57,696
{\an1}and let's body slam this bitch.

2727
01:17:00,991 --> 01:17:02,993
KIKI: Come on, Amy.

2728
01:17:00,991 --> 01:17:02,993
- Come on,

2729
01:17:03,035 --> 01:17:04,370
get those tits up.

2730
01:17:04,412 --> 01:17:06,122
KIKI: Get 'em up.

2731
01:17:04,412 --> 01:17:06,122
- Get 'em up.

2732
01:17:06,163 --> 01:17:07,957
- Get your boobs up.

2733
01:17:06,163 --> 01:17:07,957
- Get those tits right up.

2734
01:17:07,998 --> 01:17:10,209
- I'm gonna get my tits up.

2735
01:17:07,998 --> 01:17:10,209
CARLA: Get your tits up!

2736
01:17:10,251 --> 01:17:11,877
{\an1}- They're gettin' up, you guys.

2737
01:17:10,251 --> 01:17:11,877
- They're getting up.

2738
01:17:11,919 --> 01:17:13,754
- My tits are gettin' up.

2739
01:17:13,796 --> 01:17:15,672
{\an5}- They're getting up.

2740
01:17:13,796 --> 01:17:15,672
They're getting up.

2741
01:17:13,796 --> 01:17:15,672
- That's it.

2742
01:17:15,714 --> 01:17:17,133
- They are up!

2743
01:17:25,099 --> 01:17:26,100
(CARLA WHOOPING)

2744
01:17:27,059 --> 01:17:28,561
Go, go, go, go!

2745
01:17:29,186 --> 01:17:30,229
(TIRES SCREECHING)

2746
01:17:30,271 --> 01:17:31,647
(ALL SCREAMING)

2747
01:17:34,525 --> 01:17:35,943
Oh, my God.

2748
01:17:35,985 --> 01:17:38,195
- I can't seem to locate

2749
01:17:35,985 --> 01:17:38,195
my safety belt back here.

2750
01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:45,869
- This is a one-way street!

2751
01:17:47,746 --> 01:17:52,042
{\an5}- Move out of the way!

2752
01:17:47,746 --> 01:17:52,042
We're on our way to a PTA

2753
01:17:47,746 --> 01:17:52,042
meeting, motherfuckers!

2754
01:17:52,293 --> 01:17:53,419
{\an1}- Oh, my God, there's a truck!

2755
01:17:53,794 --> 01:17:55,754
Truck! Truck! Truck!

2756
01:17:53,794 --> 01:17:55,754
- Oh, my God!

2757
01:17:55,796 --> 01:17:56,880
(HONKING)

2758
01:18:00,468 --> 01:18:01,718
CARLA: Oh, my God.

2759
01:18:02,052 --> 01:18:03,679
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

2760
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:05,848
- Oh, shit.

2761
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:05,848
- Oh, fun. Kent is calling.

2762
01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,642
Hi, honey.

2763
01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,642
-<i> Kiki! </i>

2764
01:18:08,309 --> 01:18:10,060
The kids are going insane.

2765
01:18:10,102 --> 01:18:12,229
I can't do this.

2766
01:18:10,102 --> 01:18:12,229
{\an1}You gotta come home right now.

2767
01:18:12,896 --> 01:18:14,607
- But I can't come home.

2768
01:18:14,649 --> 01:18:17,401
{\an1}I'm going to the PTA meeting

2769
01:18:14,649 --> 01:18:17,401
with my friends.

2770
01:18:17,443 --> 01:18:19,654
- No, no, no, no.

2771
01:18:17,443 --> 01:18:19,654
{\an1}I said come home now, damn it!

2772
01:18:23,199 --> 01:18:26,577
{\an5}- And I said,

2773
01:18:23,199 --> 01:18:26,577
"I'm going

2774
01:18:23,199 --> 01:18:26,577
to the fucking PTA meeting

2775
01:18:26,619 --> 01:18:28,245
"with my fucking friends,"

2776
01:18:28,287 --> 01:18:31,290
{\an1}so stop being such a goddamn

2777
01:18:28,287 --> 01:18:31,290
pussy and make it work!

2778
01:18:32,041 --> 01:18:33,376
- Kiki. Kiki...

2779
01:18:32,041 --> 01:18:33,376
(CRYING)

2780
01:18:36,712 --> 01:18:37,796
(SCREAMS)

2781
01:18:37,838 --> 01:18:39,423
- That was very exciting.

2782
01:18:39,465 --> 01:18:40,966
- How good did that feel?

2783
01:18:39,465 --> 01:18:40,966
{\an1}- That felt good, didn't it?

2784
01:18:41,008 --> 01:18:42,885
- It's very exciting!

2785
01:18:41,008 --> 01:18:42,885
- Yes!

2786
01:18:42,926 --> 01:18:45,388
{\an1}(SHOUTS) It's very exciting!

2787
01:18:42,926 --> 01:18:45,388
(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)

2788
01:18:46,763 --> 01:18:49,642
- And it is for that reason

2789
01:18:46,763 --> 01:18:49,642
and the 47 others

2790
01:18:49,684 --> 01:18:51,519
{\an1}that I laid out for you today

2791
01:18:51,561 --> 01:18:54,063
that I humbly

2792
01:18:51,561 --> 01:18:54,063
ask for your vote.

2793
01:18:58,859 --> 01:19:00,653
- All right, thank you,

2794
01:18:58,859 --> 01:19:00,653
Gwendolyn.

2795
01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:03,989
Ah, well...

2796
01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:03,989
- Sorry I'm late!

2797
01:19:06,450 --> 01:19:07,910
PRINCIPAL BURR:

2798
01:19:06,450 --> 01:19:07,910
{\an1}Actually, you're just in time

2799
01:19:07,951 --> 01:19:09,537
to give your

2800
01:19:07,951 --> 01:19:09,537
candidate statement.

2801
01:19:09,579 --> 01:19:10,871
{\an1}- What's a candidate statement?

2802
01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,623
KIKI: I think

2803
01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,623
that's like a speech.

2804
01:19:12,665 --> 01:19:14,166
{\an1}- You got one of those, right?

2805
01:19:12,665 --> 01:19:14,166
{\an1}- What are you talking about?

2806
01:19:14,208 --> 01:19:16,752
- You don't have a speech?

2807
01:19:14,208 --> 01:19:16,752
(SOFTLY) Of course not!

2808
01:19:16,793 --> 01:19:18,003
CARLA: It's all good.

2809
01:19:19,213 --> 01:19:20,423
She's got a great speech.

2810
01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:22,883
AMY: I'm not good

2811
01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:22,883
at this public speaking.

2812
01:19:24,134 --> 01:19:26,803
- Hey, we're sitting here.

2813
01:19:24,134 --> 01:19:26,803
Move, move, sorry, move.

2814
01:19:27,597 --> 01:19:28,681
(EXHALES)

2815
01:19:32,142 --> 01:19:33,143
- Okay.

2816
01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:38,691
Wow, there's a lot of you.

2817
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:40,067
- Introduce yourself.

2818
01:19:41,193 --> 01:19:43,820
- Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

2819
01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:47,450
{\an5}- Good.

2820
01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:47,450
- And I'm running

2821
01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:47,450
for PTA president.

2822
01:19:49,159 --> 01:19:50,160
(WOMAN COUGHING)

2823
01:19:50,578 --> 01:19:51,579
- You're doin' great.

2824
01:19:52,538 --> 01:19:53,914
Just 'cause

2825
01:19:52,538 --> 01:19:53,914
they're not responding

2826
01:19:53,956 --> 01:19:55,374
doesn't mean

2827
01:19:53,956 --> 01:19:55,374
they think you're terrible.

2828
01:19:59,754 --> 01:20:01,171
- You know...

2829
01:20:02,923 --> 01:20:05,551
{\an4}I know there's a lot of rumors

2830
01:20:02,923 --> 01:20:05,551
goin' around

2831
01:20:02,923 --> 01:20:05,551
about my daughter.

2832
01:20:05,593 --> 01:20:08,345
(WOMEN MURMURING)

2833
01:20:05,593 --> 01:20:08,345
{\an1}- That's a bad place to start.

2834
01:20:08,387 --> 01:20:11,140
{\an1}- And I'm guessing a lot of you

2835
01:20:08,387 --> 01:20:11,140
think that I'm a bad mom.

2836
01:20:11,181 --> 01:20:12,600
- Yes.

2837
01:20:12,642 --> 01:20:15,561
{\an1}- No, no. No, you know what?

2838
01:20:12,642 --> 01:20:15,561
You're right.

2839
01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:18,731
Sometimes I'm too lenient

2840
01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:18,731
with my kids.

2841
01:20:18,773 --> 01:20:20,566
Sometimes I'm too strict.

2842
01:20:20,608 --> 01:20:22,318
{\an1}- Well, we overestimated her,

2843
01:20:20,608 --> 01:20:22,318
obviously.

2844
01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:23,611
- Sometimes I'm so crazy

2845
01:20:23,653 --> 01:20:25,237
that I don't even

2846
01:20:23,653 --> 01:20:25,237
understand the words

2847
01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:26,572
that are coming

2848
01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:26,572
out of my mouth.

2849
01:20:28,407 --> 01:20:30,075
You see,

2850
01:20:28,407 --> 01:20:30,075
what works for my daughter

2851
01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:32,244
{\an1}almost never works for my son.

2852
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:37,667
{\an5}And whenever I think

2853
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:37,667
I'm actually starting

2854
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:37,667
to figure my kids out,

2855
01:20:38,917 --> 01:20:41,754
they grow up

2856
01:20:38,917 --> 01:20:41,754
and I'm back to square one.

2857
01:20:42,797 --> 01:20:46,008
So, the truth is, when

2858
01:20:42,797 --> 01:20:46,008
it comes to being a mom,

2859
01:20:47,092 --> 01:20:50,137
(CHUCKLES) I have no

2860
01:20:47,092 --> 01:20:50,137
{\an1}fucking clue what I'm doing.

2861
01:20:50,429 --> 01:20:51,764
(ALL LAUGHING)

2862
01:20:52,264 --> 01:20:55,142
And you know what?

2863
01:20:52,264 --> 01:20:55,142
I don't think anyone does.

2864
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:57,812
I think we're all bad moms,

2865
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:57,812
and you know why?

2866
01:20:58,187 --> 01:21:03,192
Because being a mom today

2867
01:20:58,187 --> 01:21:03,192
is impossible!

2868
01:21:06,903 --> 01:21:08,989
- I never doubted her.

2869
01:21:06,903 --> 01:21:08,989
I never doubted her.

2870
01:21:09,031 --> 01:21:11,200
- She's doing great.

2871
01:21:09,031 --> 01:21:11,200
- She's a natural.

2872
01:21:11,241 --> 01:21:13,410
- So can we all just

2873
01:21:11,241 --> 01:21:13,410
please stop pretending

2874
01:21:13,452 --> 01:21:15,412
like we have it figured out

2875
01:21:15,454 --> 01:21:17,498
and stop judging

2876
01:21:15,454 --> 01:21:17,498
each other for once?

2877
01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:21,084
Look, I'm running

2878
01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:21,084
{\an1}for PTA president because...

2879
01:21:21,126 --> 01:21:23,962
Because I want our school

2880
01:21:21,126 --> 01:21:23,962
to be a place

2881
01:21:24,004 --> 01:21:26,549
{\an1}where you can make mistakes,

2882
01:21:24,004 --> 01:21:26,549
where you can be yourself,

2883
01:21:26,590 --> 01:21:28,801
where you're being judged

2884
01:21:26,590 --> 01:21:28,801
on how hard you work

2885
01:21:28,843 --> 01:21:31,470
and not on what you bring

2886
01:21:28,843 --> 01:21:31,470
to the fucking bake sale.

2887
01:21:35,683 --> 01:21:37,601
- Yeah!

2888
01:21:35,683 --> 01:21:37,601
- Yeah!

2889
01:21:37,643 --> 01:21:40,563
{\an5}- I want our school to be

2890
01:21:37,643 --> 01:21:40,563
a place where it's okay

2891
01:21:37,643 --> 01:21:40,563
to be a bad mom.

2892
01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:42,105
Do you know what I mean?

2893
01:21:42,857 --> 01:21:45,359
{\an1}- My kids haven't had a bath

2894
01:21:42,857 --> 01:21:45,359
in three weeks.

2895
01:21:46,026 --> 01:21:48,278
- That's okay!

2896
01:21:46,026 --> 01:21:48,278
{\an1}Listen, we've all been there.

2897
01:21:48,320 --> 01:21:50,614
{\an1}- I confiscated my son's weed

2898
01:21:50,656 --> 01:21:53,033
and then I smoked

2899
01:21:50,656 --> 01:21:53,033
the shit out of it!

2900
01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:54,243
(WHOOPING)

2901
01:21:54,493 --> 01:21:56,078
(YELLS) What's your number?

2902
01:21:56,119 --> 01:21:58,789
- I give my kids a Benadryl

2903
01:21:56,119 --> 01:21:58,789
every Tuesday night

2904
01:21:58,831 --> 01:22:00,290
so I can watch<i> The Voice. </i>

2905
01:22:00,332 --> 01:22:01,751
(LAUGHING)

2906
01:22:02,376 --> 01:22:04,461
{\an1}- I can't tell my twins apart!

2907
01:22:04,503 --> 01:22:06,672
- I let my 7-year-old

2908
01:22:04,503 --> 01:22:06,672
watch<i> Mad Max. </i>

2909
01:22:06,714 --> 01:22:08,632
- I drink margaritas

2910
01:22:06,714 --> 01:22:08,632
for breakfast.

2911
01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:11,009
- I threw my son's violin

2912
01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:11,009
in the garbage.

2913
01:22:11,051 --> 01:22:14,304
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

2914
01:22:14,346 --> 01:22:16,557
- Oh, honey,

2915
01:22:14,346 --> 01:22:16,557
we don't speak Spanish.

2916
01:22:16,599 --> 01:22:19,268
- I like my nanny

2917
01:22:16,599 --> 01:22:19,268
{\an1}better than I like my husband.

2918
01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:20,519
- Wait, really?

2919
01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:20,519
(WOMEN GASP)

2920
01:22:21,395 --> 01:22:22,813
(SQUEALING)

2921
01:22:22,855 --> 01:22:24,356
- Yeah, you do!

2922
01:22:24,690 --> 01:22:26,233
- I don't even have kids!

2923
01:22:26,275 --> 01:22:28,360
I just come to PTA meetings

2924
01:22:26,275 --> 01:22:28,360
because I'm lonely.

2925
01:22:28,402 --> 01:22:30,112
CROWD: Aw.

2926
01:22:28,402 --> 01:22:30,112
(APPLAUSE)

2927
01:22:32,155 --> 01:22:33,198
AMY: Here's the thing.

2928
01:22:33,699 --> 01:22:35,242
If you're a perfect mom

2929
01:22:35,284 --> 01:22:37,787
who's got this whole

2930
01:22:35,284 --> 01:22:37,787
{\an1}parenting thing figured out,

2931
01:22:37,828 --> 01:22:40,623
well, then, you should

2932
01:22:37,828 --> 01:22:40,623
{\an1}probably vote for Gwendolyn,

2933
01:22:40,664 --> 01:22:42,750
'cause she's amazing.

2934
01:22:42,792 --> 01:22:43,959
- Yes.

2935
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:46,253
- But if you're

2936
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:46,253
a bad mom like me

2937
01:22:46,295 --> 01:22:48,464
{\an1}and you have no fucking clue

2938
01:22:46,295 --> 01:22:48,464
what you're doing,

2939
01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:52,050
{\an1}or you're just sick of being

2940
01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:52,050
judged all the time...

2941
01:22:54,386 --> 01:22:56,054
Then please vote for me.

2942
01:22:57,347 --> 01:22:59,725
Thank you.

2943
01:22:57,347 --> 01:22:59,725
{\an1}(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

2944
01:23:00,893 --> 01:23:02,352
- Oh, my God!

2945
01:23:06,315 --> 01:23:07,691
- Are you kidding me?

2946
01:23:23,666 --> 01:23:26,042
- Yes!

2947
01:23:23,666 --> 01:23:26,042
{\an1}ALL: (CHANTING) Amy! Amy! Amy!

2948
01:23:26,084 --> 01:23:28,879
- Look at that!

2949
01:23:26,084 --> 01:23:28,879
This is your PTA president!

2950
01:23:31,841 --> 01:23:33,801
(CHEERING CONTINUES)

2951
01:23:35,803 --> 01:23:38,263
{\an1}ALL: (CHANTING) Amy! Amy! Amy!

2952
01:23:38,681 --> 01:23:40,182
- Oh, mama.

2953
01:23:40,223 --> 01:23:42,267
- I feel invigorated.

2954
01:23:40,223 --> 01:23:42,267
- This is so great!

2955
01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:45,103
{\an1}I still can't believe you won.

2956
01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:45,103
- I know!

2957
01:23:45,145 --> 01:23:47,564
I'm so happy you guys

2958
01:23:45,145 --> 01:23:47,564
dragged me outta the house.

2959
01:23:47,606 --> 01:23:50,400
- Oh, sweetheart, I didn't

2960
01:23:47,606 --> 01:23:50,400
doubt you for a second.

2961
01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:54,279
{\an5}- Oh, God, you know,

2962
01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:54,279
I forgot what it was like

2963
01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:54,279
to have real friends,

2964
01:23:54,321 --> 01:23:56,740
like, true friends.

2965
01:23:56,782 --> 01:23:58,617
- I know. Before you guys,

2966
01:23:58,659 --> 01:24:01,161
{\an1}my only friend was that lady

2967
01:23:58,659 --> 01:24:01,161
on Google Maps.

2968
01:24:01,203 --> 01:24:02,204
(LAUGHS)

2969
01:24:02,830 --> 01:24:04,498
- You're pretty much

2970
01:24:02,830 --> 01:24:04,498
the first bitches

2971
01:24:04,540 --> 01:24:06,709
to ever talk to me

2972
01:24:04,540 --> 01:24:06,709
at this school, so...

2973
01:24:06,750 --> 01:24:09,795
- I'm so happy we found

2974
01:24:06,750 --> 01:24:09,795
each other, you guys.

2975
01:24:09,837 --> 01:24:11,296
- Me, too.

2976
01:24:09,837 --> 01:24:11,296
- Me three.

2977
01:24:11,338 --> 01:24:13,423
Let's hug

2978
01:24:11,338 --> 01:24:13,423
for a really long time.

2979
01:24:13,465 --> 01:24:15,885
Come on, bring it in.

2980
01:24:13,465 --> 01:24:15,885
Bring it in.

2981
01:24:16,343 --> 01:24:17,845
(KIKI LAUGHS)

2982
01:24:17,887 --> 01:24:19,054
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING

2983
01:24:17,887 --> 01:24:19,054
OVER CAR STEREO)

2984
01:24:19,095 --> 01:24:20,389
(GWENDOLYN SOBBING)

2985
01:24:21,306 --> 01:24:23,684
{\an1}- Hey, will you guys give me,

2986
01:24:21,306 --> 01:24:23,684
like, a second?

2987
01:24:24,852 --> 01:24:26,395
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

2988
01:24:24,852 --> 01:24:26,395
- Yeah, honey. Sure.

2989
01:24:26,436 --> 01:24:28,022
- Okay.

2990
01:24:26,436 --> 01:24:28,022
- Sure, take a minute.

2991
01:24:28,063 --> 01:24:29,481
Digest it.

2992
01:24:28,063 --> 01:24:29,481
- Thanks.

2993
01:24:44,204 --> 01:24:45,706
{\an1}- What, did you come to gloat?

2994
01:24:44,204 --> 01:24:45,706
(SNIFFLES)

2995
01:24:45,748 --> 01:24:48,042
{\an1}- No. No, no, I'm just seeing

2996
01:24:45,748 --> 01:24:48,042
if you're okay.

2997
01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:51,003
{\an1}- I'm fine. Everything's fine.

2998
01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:51,003
I'm fine.

2999
01:24:51,045 --> 01:24:52,504
- Okay. I don't wanna

3000
01:24:51,045 --> 01:24:52,504
bother you.

3001
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:58,301
{\an5}- It's just that the PTA

3002
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:58,301
was the only good thing

3003
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:58,301
in my life

3004
01:24:58,343 --> 01:25:00,512
{\an1}and now I've lost that, too.

3005
01:25:00,554 --> 01:25:02,848
- Come on, Gwendolyn,

3006
01:25:00,554 --> 01:25:02,848
your life is awesome.

3007
01:25:03,724 --> 01:25:07,310
{\an1}You have, like, three boats.

3008
01:25:03,724 --> 01:25:07,310
- I have four boats.

3009
01:25:07,352 --> 01:25:08,562
(LAUGHS) Okay.

3010
01:25:09,063 --> 01:25:13,734
- But, no, (SCOFFS)

3011
01:25:09,063 --> 01:25:13,734
my life is so not awesome.

3012
01:25:14,735 --> 01:25:16,653
- Gwendolyn, what could

3013
01:25:14,735 --> 01:25:16,653
possibly be wrong?

3014
01:25:16,695 --> 01:25:17,696
- Oh, God.

3015
01:25:18,530 --> 01:25:20,115
Okay, well,

3016
01:25:21,075 --> 01:25:22,659
for starters, (SNIFFLES)

3017
01:25:22,701 --> 01:25:25,412
{\an1}my husband was just arrested

3018
01:25:22,701 --> 01:25:25,412
for embezzling

3019
01:25:25,454 --> 01:25:27,831
$100 million

3020
01:25:25,454 --> 01:25:27,831
from a children's charity.

3021
01:25:29,124 --> 01:25:31,293
(VOICE BREAKING)

3022
01:25:29,124 --> 01:25:31,293
And I have night terrors.

3023
01:25:31,334 --> 01:25:33,712
And I have to take Vicodin

3024
01:25:31,334 --> 01:25:33,712
every 20 minutes,

3025
01:25:33,754 --> 01:25:35,380
{\an1}and I'm not even in any pain.

3026
01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:37,925
{\an1}I'm just addicted to them now.

3027
01:25:37,967 --> 01:25:39,426
I'm pretty sure

3028
01:25:37,967 --> 01:25:39,426
my brother-in-law

3029
01:25:39,468 --> 01:25:41,595
just joined ISIS,

3030
01:25:39,468 --> 01:25:41,595
and he's a Jew!

3031
01:25:42,471 --> 01:25:46,224
Oh, and also, my DVR just

3032
01:25:42,471 --> 01:25:46,224
stopped recording<i> Castle. </i>

3033
01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:47,643
Just out of nowhere.

3034
01:25:47,684 --> 01:25:49,519
Like, how the fuck

3035
01:25:47,684 --> 01:25:49,519
does that even happen?

3036
01:25:50,687 --> 01:25:53,189
And I am the only thing

3037
01:25:50,687 --> 01:25:53,189
holding my family together,

3038
01:25:53,231 --> 01:25:56,944
so, yeah, it's awesome.

3039
01:25:58,278 --> 01:25:59,446
It's just awesome.

3040
01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:03,867
- Wow. I had no idea.

3041
01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:03,867
- Yeah.

3042
01:26:04,743 --> 01:26:07,579
{\an1}- You just always acted like

3043
01:26:04,743 --> 01:26:07,579
everything was so perfect.

3044
01:26:13,418 --> 01:26:14,586
- Hey,

3045
01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:18,048
I'm really sorry about

3046
01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:18,048
{\an1}what I did to your daughter.

3047
01:26:18,090 --> 01:26:21,217
{\an5}I promise you

3048
01:26:18,090 --> 01:26:21,217
I will get her back

3049
01:26:18,090 --> 01:26:21,217
{\an1}on the soccer team, all right?

3050
01:26:23,887 --> 01:26:26,807
{\an5}I know that was...

3051
01:26:23,887 --> 01:26:26,807
That was a really

3052
01:26:23,887 --> 01:26:26,807
shitty thing to do.

3053
01:26:27,599 --> 01:26:29,267
- Yeah.

3054
01:26:27,599 --> 01:26:29,267
- Even for me.

3055
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,895
- Listen, we're all

3056
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,895
bad moms, right?

3057
01:26:31,937 --> 01:26:33,188
- Yeah.

3058
01:26:35,231 --> 01:26:37,776
{\an5}That was literally the only

3059
01:26:35,231 --> 01:26:37,776
thing you said tonight

3060
01:26:35,231 --> 01:26:37,776
{\an1}that made any fuckin' sense.

3061
01:26:37,818 --> 01:26:38,819
(LAUGHS)

3062
01:26:40,570 --> 01:26:41,571
(SOFTLY) Bye.

3063
01:26:59,339 --> 01:27:01,717
{\an1}- Hey, guys. Can I talk to you

3064
01:26:59,339 --> 01:27:01,717
for a second?

3065
01:27:01,758 --> 01:27:02,885
- Yeah.

3066
01:27:05,804 --> 01:27:07,430
- Look, I just wanna say

3067
01:27:05,804 --> 01:27:07,430
I'm really sorry

3068
01:27:07,472 --> 01:27:09,016
for how I've been

3069
01:27:07,472 --> 01:27:09,016
acting lately.

3070
01:27:09,058 --> 01:27:10,184
- Oh, it's fine.

3071
01:27:10,225 --> 01:27:11,643
- Yeah, it's just

3072
01:27:10,225 --> 01:27:11,643
menopause, right?

3073
01:27:11,685 --> 01:27:13,896
(CHUCKLES)

3074
01:27:11,685 --> 01:27:13,896
- No. It's not menopause.

3075
01:27:13,937 --> 01:27:17,191
{\an5}- And I'm sorry

3076
01:27:13,937 --> 01:27:17,191
for acting so crazy

3077
01:27:13,937 --> 01:27:17,191
{\an1}about the whole soccer thing.

3078
01:27:18,108 --> 01:27:20,027
I'm really trying

3079
01:27:18,108 --> 01:27:20,027
to chill out more.

3080
01:27:20,069 --> 01:27:22,237
I mean,

3081
01:27:20,069 --> 01:27:22,237
it's just soccer. Right?

3082
01:27:22,821 --> 01:27:24,406
- I got you back

3083
01:27:22,821 --> 01:27:24,406
on the soccer team.

3084
01:27:24,447 --> 01:27:26,241
- Shut up!

3085
01:27:24,447 --> 01:27:26,241
- Shut up.

3086
01:27:26,282 --> 01:27:28,577
{\an1}- Shut your face! Oh, my God.

3087
01:27:28,618 --> 01:27:30,286
Thank you so much, Mom.

3088
01:27:28,618 --> 01:27:30,286
(LAUGHS)

3089
01:27:30,954 --> 01:27:32,288
{\an1}- Oh, I love you. Get in here.

3090
01:27:33,123 --> 01:27:35,209
There. Oh, I love you guys

3091
01:27:33,123 --> 01:27:35,209
so much.

3092
01:27:35,250 --> 01:27:36,793
You're amazing kids.

3093
01:27:37,627 --> 01:27:40,672
{\an1}I promise, I promise to always

3094
01:27:37,627 --> 01:27:40,672
be here for you.

3095
01:27:41,757 --> 01:27:44,342
Oh, my babies.

3096
01:27:44,384 --> 01:27:46,344
(OVEN DINGS)

3097
01:27:44,384 --> 01:27:46,344
- Oh...

3098
01:27:46,386 --> 01:27:49,056
{\an5}I almost forgot!

3099
01:27:46,386 --> 01:27:49,056
- Where is he going?

3100
01:27:46,386 --> 01:27:49,056
{\an1}Why is he touching the oven?

3101
01:27:52,059 --> 01:27:53,435
DYLAN: I made a frittata.

3102
01:27:54,144 --> 01:27:57,856
- Did...

3103
01:27:54,144 --> 01:27:57,856
{\an1}Did you just say "frittata"?

3104
01:27:57,898 --> 01:27:59,649
{\an1}- You said you weren't gonna

3105
01:27:57,898 --> 01:27:59,649
cook for us anymore,

3106
01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:01,151
so I taught myself

3107
01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:01,151
how to cook.

3108
01:28:02,360 --> 01:28:04,404
- Oh, honey,

3109
01:28:02,360 --> 01:28:04,404
I'm so proud of you!

3110
01:28:04,446 --> 01:28:05,655
Get in here. I love you.

3111
01:28:05,697 --> 01:28:07,241
I love you.

3112
01:28:07,282 --> 01:28:08,992
- Okay, okay, all right,

3113
01:28:07,282 --> 01:28:08,992
{\an1}all right. Okay, okay, okay.

3114
01:28:09,034 --> 01:28:10,326
All right, okay, let go.

3115
01:28:10,368 --> 01:28:11,912
- Okay.

3116
01:28:10,368 --> 01:28:11,912
{\an1}- I gotta go do my homework.

3117
01:28:13,789 --> 01:28:15,082
- Who are you?

3118
01:28:15,124 --> 01:28:16,917
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

3119
01:28:30,597 --> 01:28:32,808
(LAUGHS)

3120
01:28:30,597 --> 01:28:32,808
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

3121
01:28:32,849 --> 01:28:34,977
Oh. Hold on.

3122
01:28:32,849 --> 01:28:34,977
{\an1}Sorry, guys. One sec, one sec.

3123
01:28:35,018 --> 01:28:36,103
(CELLPHONE BEEPS)

3124
01:28:36,145 --> 01:28:37,813
Hello, this is Amy.

3125
01:28:37,854 --> 01:28:39,231
- Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

3126
01:28:39,273 --> 01:28:40,732
The company is

3127
01:28:39,273 --> 01:28:40,732
fallin' apart without you.

3128
01:28:40,774 --> 01:28:41,942
<i>Could you please come back? </i>

3129
01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:44,027
I will give you

3130
01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:44,027
whatever you want.

3131
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:46,280
{\an1}- Whatever? Whatever I want?

3132
01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:47,739
- Yes! Yes! Anything.

3133
01:28:48,364 --> 01:28:52,535
- Okay, um, well,

3134
01:28:48,364 --> 01:28:52,535
I wanna double my pay.

3135
01:28:53,120 --> 01:28:56,957
I wanna work from home

3136
01:28:53,120 --> 01:28:56,957
two days a week.

3137
01:28:57,207 --> 01:29:03,130
{\an5}Oh, and I wanna hire three

3138
01:28:57,207 --> 01:29:03,130
women over the age of 12

3139
01:28:57,207 --> 01:29:03,130
to fill out my team.

3140
01:29:03,172 --> 01:29:05,548
{\an5}- Okay, okay, fine.

3141
01:29:03,172 --> 01:29:05,548
Anything you want.

3142
01:29:03,172 --> 01:29:05,548
Can you start today?

3143
01:29:05,590 --> 01:29:07,509
- Oh, no, no. No, sorry,

3144
01:29:05,590 --> 01:29:07,509
today's not good for me.

3145
01:29:07,550 --> 01:29:09,928
{\an1}I'll start sometime next week.

3146
01:29:07,550 --> 01:29:09,928
Thanks. Bye-bye.

3147
01:29:11,888 --> 01:29:12,889
(SCREAMS)

3148
01:29:23,275 --> 01:29:24,526
Come here.

3149
01:29:23,275 --> 01:29:24,526
- Love you.

3150
01:29:24,567 --> 01:29:26,361
- Great day at school.

3151
01:29:24,567 --> 01:29:26,361
- Love you, Mom.

3152
01:29:26,402 --> 01:29:28,947
- I love you kiddos.

3153
01:29:26,402 --> 01:29:28,947
Be great, okay?

3154
01:29:28,989 --> 01:29:30,282
- Okay.

3155
01:29:28,989 --> 01:29:30,282
- Be amazing. Be awesome.

3156
01:29:31,200 --> 01:29:32,284
Love you!

3157
01:29:34,077 --> 01:29:35,245
(SIGHS)

3158
01:29:37,331 --> 01:29:38,623
- When did they get so big?

3159
01:29:40,167 --> 01:29:41,293
- I don't know.

3160
01:29:42,252 --> 01:29:43,419
(AMY CHUCKLES)

3161
01:29:44,796 --> 01:29:46,506
- Hey, what would happen

3162
01:29:44,796 --> 01:29:46,506
{\an1}if I came over Friday night,

3163
01:29:46,548 --> 01:29:49,051
{\an5}brought a great

3164
01:29:46,548 --> 01:29:49,051
bottle of wine, you know,

3165
01:29:46,548 --> 01:29:49,051
made you a nice dinner,

3166
01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:51,636
{\an5}maybe ran you a hot bath

3167
01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:51,636
and someone

3168
01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:51,636
just took care of you...

3169
01:29:51,678 --> 01:29:53,680
- I love you.

3170
01:29:51,678 --> 01:29:53,680
- ...for a change.

3171
01:29:53,722 --> 01:29:55,307
What did you just say?

3172
01:29:53,722 --> 01:29:55,307
- What?

3173
01:29:55,349 --> 01:29:56,892
- What was that?

3174
01:29:55,349 --> 01:29:56,892
- I said nothing.

3175
01:29:56,933 --> 01:29:59,269
- You said nothing.

3176
01:29:56,933 --> 01:29:59,269
- I meant to say that I...

3177
01:29:59,311 --> 01:30:01,521
Oh, God, I would love that.

3178
01:29:59,311 --> 01:30:01,521
I would love that.

3179
01:30:01,813 --> 01:30:03,148
- Great.

3180
01:30:01,813 --> 01:30:03,148
- Yeah.

3181
01:30:04,900 --> 01:30:06,442
- I'll see you Friday.

3182
01:30:04,900 --> 01:30:06,442
- Okay.

3183
01:30:10,155 --> 01:30:11,156
(EXHALES)

3184
01:30:13,658 --> 01:30:16,203
{\an1}- I'll see you after school.

3185
01:30:13,658 --> 01:30:16,203
Be good, okay?

3186
01:30:18,038 --> 01:30:19,164
VICKY: Hey, how's it goin'?

3187
01:30:19,206 --> 01:30:21,166
- I'm doing amazing.

3188
01:30:22,084 --> 01:30:24,253
I slept in late,

3189
01:30:22,084 --> 01:30:24,253
skipped my workout,

3190
01:30:24,294 --> 01:30:25,795
had, like, four donuts.

3191
01:30:25,837 --> 01:30:27,297
I told these kids,

3192
01:30:27,339 --> 01:30:29,091
"Look, you get yourself

3193
01:30:27,339 --> 01:30:29,091
ready for school today."

3194
01:30:29,132 --> 01:30:31,968
And my husband totally

3195
01:30:29,132 --> 01:30:31,968
{\an1}Fifty-Shaded me this morning.

3196
01:30:32,302 --> 01:30:34,054
- Oh.

3197
01:30:32,302 --> 01:30:34,054
- I've never felt better.

3198
01:30:34,346 --> 01:30:35,429
- Wow.

3199
01:30:35,471 --> 01:30:36,639
- Yeah.

3200
01:30:44,564 --> 01:30:45,648
- Hi!

3201
01:30:46,691 --> 01:30:48,484
Did you remember

3202
01:30:46,691 --> 01:30:48,484
Maddie's backpack?

3203
01:30:49,236 --> 01:30:50,320
(SIGHS)

3204
01:30:50,612 --> 01:30:52,989
- Shoot.

3205
01:30:50,612 --> 01:30:52,989
No, I left it in the car.

3206
01:30:53,031 --> 01:30:56,159
{\an1}- Okay, well, let's go get it,

3207
01:30:53,031 --> 01:30:56,159
dude. Right? Chop-chop.

3208
01:30:56,201 --> 01:30:59,288
{\an1}- I'm so sorry. Be right back.

3209
01:30:56,201 --> 01:30:59,288
{\an1}- It's not gonna grab itself.

3210
01:31:04,126 --> 01:31:05,168
- Hey, Jackson.

3211
01:31:06,669 --> 01:31:09,214
I, uh...

3212
01:31:06,669 --> 01:31:09,214
I made you lunch today.

3213
01:31:10,340 --> 01:31:12,092
It's a hummus wrap

3214
01:31:10,340 --> 01:31:12,092
with some kale.

3215
01:31:12,384 --> 01:31:14,177
{\an5}- Gross!

3216
01:31:12,384 --> 01:31:14,177
- Yeah, I know, it sounds

3217
01:31:12,384 --> 01:31:14,177
totally disgusting,

3218
01:31:14,219 --> 01:31:16,305
but it's supposed to be

3219
01:31:14,219 --> 01:31:16,305
good for you, so...

3220
01:31:17,806 --> 01:31:19,391
I'll come to your

3221
01:31:17,806 --> 01:31:19,391
{\an1}baseball game tomorrow night.

3222
01:31:19,433 --> 01:31:20,683
- For real?

3223
01:31:20,725 --> 01:31:22,811
- I'm gonna stay

3224
01:31:20,725 --> 01:31:22,811
the whole stupid game.

3225
01:31:22,852 --> 01:31:23,853
Mmm-hmm.

3226
01:31:24,396 --> 01:31:25,939
Because...

3227
01:31:27,649 --> 01:31:28,858
I love you.

3228
01:31:30,110 --> 01:31:31,236
And stuff.

3229
01:31:33,487 --> 01:31:34,488
CARLA: Oh.

3230
01:31:47,836 --> 01:31:49,587
(SIGHS)

3231
01:31:49,629 --> 01:31:51,505
{\an1}Still cannot believe I pushed

3232
01:31:49,629 --> 01:31:51,505
that thing outta my chotch.

3233
01:31:52,090 --> 01:31:54,884
{\an1}Hey. What's up, pretty ladies?

3234
01:31:54,926 --> 01:31:56,219
- What should we do today?

3235
01:31:56,261 --> 01:31:57,720
- Ooh, how about

3236
01:31:56,261 --> 01:31:57,720
we go to brunch?

3237
01:31:57,762 --> 01:31:59,848
KIKI: Mmm.

3238
01:31:59,889 --> 01:32:01,683
{\an5}- How about we go to

3239
01:31:59,889 --> 01:32:01,683
Color Me Mine and make

3240
01:31:59,889 --> 01:32:01,683
each other salad bowls?

3241
01:32:01,724 --> 01:32:03,185
- I love it.

3242
01:32:01,724 --> 01:32:03,185
- I got an idea.

3243
01:32:03,226 --> 01:32:05,061
Why don't we try something

3244
01:32:03,226 --> 01:32:05,061
that doesn't suck?

3245
01:32:05,645 --> 01:32:08,190
- Hey, bitches! Get in.

3246
01:32:10,233 --> 01:32:11,860
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

3247
01:32:20,618 --> 01:32:21,995
- Wait.

3248
01:32:22,662 --> 01:32:25,457
Holy shit.

3249
01:32:22,662 --> 01:32:25,457
{\an1}- Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that...

3250
01:32:25,999 --> 01:32:27,541
- Well, I have

3251
01:32:25,999 --> 01:32:27,541
my husband's plane

3252
01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:30,337
for the whole day,

3253
01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:30,337
{\an1}so where do you guys wanna go?

3254
01:32:32,588 --> 01:32:34,632
{\an5}- You know what?

3255
01:32:32,588 --> 01:32:34,632
Gwendolyn's starting

3256
01:32:32,588 --> 01:32:34,632
to grow on me, guys.

3257
01:32:34,674 --> 01:32:37,344
{\an5}I'm not gonna lie to you.

3258
01:32:34,674 --> 01:32:37,344
I think she's

3259
01:32:34,674 --> 01:32:37,344
a really good person.

3260
01:32:37,386 --> 01:32:38,887
- Come on, come on!

3261
01:32:37,386 --> 01:32:38,887
- Very generous.

3262
01:32:39,346 --> 01:32:41,597
{\an1}(INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER)

3263
01:32:54,736 --> 01:32:57,655
{\an8}- My role as a mother

3264
01:32:54,736 --> 01:32:57,655
{\an8}was so hit-and-miss.

3265
01:32:57,697 --> 01:32:59,241
{\an8}(LAUGHS)

3266
01:32:59,282 --> 01:33:02,160
{\an8}- I was a little looser,

3267
01:32:59,282 --> 01:33:02,160
{\an8}but too loose in many ways.

3268
01:33:02,202 --> 01:33:05,205
{\an8}- I would give her whiskey.

3269
01:33:02,202 --> 01:33:05,205
{\an8}(LAUGHS)

3270
01:33:05,579 --> 01:33:08,124
{\an8}- We left the country

3271
01:33:05,579 --> 01:33:08,124
{\an7}when she was seven years old.

3272
01:33:08,166 --> 01:33:09,876
{\an8}- My mom kept telling me

3273
01:33:09,918 --> 01:33:11,545
{\an8}that we were

3274
01:33:09,918 --> 01:33:11,545
{\an8}moving up the street.

3275
01:33:12,128 --> 01:33:13,922
{\an8}- And then we flew to L.A.

3276
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:15,424
{\an7}- My mother's a filthy liar.

3277
01:33:15,757 --> 01:33:17,759
{\an8}- When I went into

3278
01:33:15,757 --> 01:33:17,759
{\an8}labor and stuff,

3279
01:33:17,800 --> 01:33:20,594
{\an8}I didn't even ask

3280
01:33:17,800 --> 01:33:20,594
{\an8}if it was a boy or a girl.

3281
01:33:17,800 --> 01:33:20,594
{\an8}I just asked for Demerol.

3282
01:33:20,636 --> 01:33:21,971
{\an8}(LAUGHING)

3283
01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:23,890
{\an8}- I heard someone

3284
01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:23,890
{\an8}calling my name.

3285
01:33:23,932 --> 01:33:25,517
{\an8}"Please come

3286
01:33:23,932 --> 01:33:25,517
{\an8}to the service desk."

3287
01:33:25,559 --> 01:33:27,310
{\an7}I thought, "Oh, what's that?"

3288
01:33:27,352 --> 01:33:28,770
{\an8}And I looked around,

3289
01:33:27,352 --> 01:33:28,770
{\an8}there was no Kathryn.

3290
01:33:27,352 --> 01:33:28,770
{\an8}(GASPS)

3291
01:33:28,811 --> 01:33:30,772
{\an8}She was three years old.

3292
01:33:28,811 --> 01:33:30,772
{\an8}- I was three years old.

3293
01:33:30,813 --> 01:33:33,483
{\an8}- I'm thinkin', oh, my God,

3294
01:33:30,813 --> 01:33:33,483
{\an8}that was bad!

3295
01:33:33,525 --> 01:33:35,151
{\an7}- When I was nine years old,

3296
01:33:35,902 --> 01:33:39,114
{\an8}uh, my mom took me to see

3297
01:33:35,902 --> 01:33:39,114
{\an8}<i>Cruising</i> in the theaters

3298
01:33:39,155 --> 01:33:41,657
{\an7}because she loved Al Pacino.

3299
01:33:39,155 --> 01:33:41,657
{\an8}- I loved Al Pacino.

3300
01:33:41,699 --> 01:33:43,659
{\an8}-<i> Cruising</i> is a movie

3301
01:33:41,699 --> 01:33:43,659
{\an8}about a man

3302
01:33:43,701 --> 01:33:47,038
{\an7}investigating the underworld

3303
01:33:43,701 --> 01:33:47,038
{\an8}of S&M gay clubs

3304
01:33:47,414 --> 01:33:48,915
{\an8}because there was a man

3305
01:33:47,414 --> 01:33:48,915
{\an8}murdering men

3306
01:33:48,957 --> 01:33:51,918
{\an8}after raping them.

3307
01:33:48,957 --> 01:33:51,918
{\an8}- Al Pacino.

3308
01:33:51,960 --> 01:33:54,421
{\an8}- You do stupid things

3309
01:33:51,960 --> 01:33:54,421
{\an8}as a parent

3310
01:33:54,463 --> 01:33:56,089
{\an8}and you're like, "They're

3311
01:33:54,463 --> 01:33:56,089
{\an8}fine, they're fine,"

3312
01:33:56,131 --> 01:33:57,882
{\an8}and then you're

3313
01:33:56,131 --> 01:33:57,882
{\an8}in the hospital.

3314
01:33:57,924 --> 01:33:59,926
{\an8}- Yeah, of course

3315
01:33:57,924 --> 01:33:59,926
{\an8}you lie to your kids,

3316
01:33:57,924 --> 01:33:59,926
{\an8}of course you do,

3317
01:33:59,968 --> 01:34:03,472
{\an8}and you go through

3318
01:33:59,968 --> 01:34:03,472
{\an8}their things. You have to.

3319
01:33:59,968 --> 01:34:03,472
{\an8}- You go through my things?

3320
01:34:03,513 --> 01:34:08,059
{\an8}- Sometimes you have

3321
01:34:03,513 --> 01:34:08,059
{\an8}to make people happy,

3322
01:34:03,513 --> 01:34:08,059
{\an7}to lie a little bit. You know?

3323
01:34:08,101 --> 01:34:10,437
{\an7}- Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy.

3324
01:34:08,101 --> 01:34:10,437
{\an8}(CHUCKLES)

3325
01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:14,107
{\an8}- Food out for Santa Claus.

3326
01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:14,107
{\an8}- You had me clean

3327
01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:14,107
{\an8}the fireplace that year.

3328
01:34:14,149 --> 01:34:15,817
{\an8}- Yeah, well, that was

3329
01:34:14,149 --> 01:34:15,817
{\an8}a good idea anyway.

3330
01:34:15,858 --> 01:34:17,193
{\an8}- Like a chimney sweep.

3331
01:34:17,235 --> 01:34:19,862
{\an8}- I would just be all,

3332
01:34:17,235 --> 01:34:19,862
{\an8}you know, upset

3333
01:34:19,904 --> 01:34:22,574
{\an8}because of the way

3334
01:34:19,904 --> 01:34:22,574
{\an7}I thought that it had to be.

3335
01:34:22,616 --> 01:34:25,368
{\an8}- You know, I was so angry

3336
01:34:22,616 --> 01:34:25,368
{\an8}one day, and I said to her,

3337
01:34:25,410 --> 01:34:27,954
{\an8}"Dominic doesn't like you,

3338
01:34:25,410 --> 01:34:27,954
{\an8}Eric doesn't like you."

3339
01:34:27,996 --> 01:34:29,747
{\an8}- You told me to fuck off.

3340
01:34:27,996 --> 01:34:29,747
{\an8}(SNORTS)

3341
01:34:29,789 --> 01:34:32,208
{\an8}- "Laura doesn't like you.

3342
01:34:29,789 --> 01:34:32,208
{\an8}Your dad doesn't like you."

3343
01:34:32,250 --> 01:34:34,210
{\an7}- You said, "Fuck you, Mom."

3344
01:34:32,250 --> 01:34:34,210
{\an8}Or somethin' like that.

3345
01:34:34,252 --> 01:34:37,172
{\an8}- "I don't like you,

3346
01:34:34,252 --> 01:34:37,172
{\an7}and the dog doesn't like you."

3347
01:34:34,252 --> 01:34:37,172
{\an8}(LAUGHING)

3348
01:34:37,213 --> 01:34:38,798
{\an8}- Yeah, I don't know

3349
01:34:37,213 --> 01:34:38,798
{\an8}what I was thinking.

3350
01:34:39,715 --> 01:34:43,011
{\an8}- I just really didn't

3351
01:34:39,715 --> 01:34:43,011
{\an8}have a clue about...

3352
01:34:43,052 --> 01:34:44,929
{\an8}- You were perfect.

3353
01:34:43,052 --> 01:34:44,929
{\an8}(LAUGHS)

3354
01:34:44,971 --> 01:34:46,264
{\an8}- Yeah, it kinda

3355
01:34:44,971 --> 01:34:46,264
{\an8}worked out for her.

3356
01:34:46,306 --> 01:34:48,391
{\an8}- It worked out perfectly.

3357
01:34:48,433 --> 01:34:49,976
{\an8}- I had the best childhood.

3358
01:34:50,018 --> 01:34:51,727
{\an8}- I loved my childhood.

3359
01:34:51,769 --> 01:34:53,480
{\an7}- I had a very happy childhood.

3360
01:34:53,522 --> 01:34:55,357
{\an8}- And we would have

3361
01:34:53,522 --> 01:34:55,357
{\an8}the best days.

3362
01:34:55,398 --> 01:34:57,192
{\an8}- It was absolutely

3363
01:34:55,398 --> 01:34:57,192
{\an8}some of the best times

3364
01:34:55,398 --> 01:34:57,192
{\an8}of my life.

3365
01:34:57,233 --> 01:35:00,529
{\an8}- You were an amazing mom.

3366
01:34:57,233 --> 01:35:00,529
{\an7}- Which is fine. I feel good.

3367
01:35:00,570 --> 01:35:02,822
{\an7}- It's nuts being a mom, guys.

3368
01:35:00,570 --> 01:35:02,822
{\an8}(BLOWS NOSE)

3369
01:35:02,864 --> 01:35:05,617
{\an8}- Raising kids is

3370
01:35:02,864 --> 01:35:05,617
{\an8}an amazing experience.

3371
01:35:05,659 --> 01:35:09,745
{\an8}- I did some mistakes,

3372
01:35:05,659 --> 01:35:09,745
{\an8}but the end,

3373
01:35:05,659 --> 01:35:09,745
{\an8}I can see it's not as bad.

3374
01:35:10,497 --> 01:35:12,582
{\an7}- They survived. In spite of us.

3375
01:35:12,624 --> 01:35:16,419
{\an8}- Now, thank goodness,

3376
01:35:12,624 --> 01:35:16,419
{\an7}you know, she turned out to be

3377
01:35:16,461 --> 01:35:19,005
{\an8}the wonderful woman

3378
01:35:16,461 --> 01:35:19,005
{\an8}that she is.

3379
01:35:19,047 --> 01:35:20,423
{\an8}- I think she's perfect.

3380
01:35:21,508 --> 01:35:25,178
{\an8}- The love that you had

3381
01:35:21,508 --> 01:35:25,178
{\an8}when that kid was born,

3382
01:35:25,220 --> 01:35:27,222
{\an8}that you didn't have,

3383
01:35:25,220 --> 01:35:27,222
{\an8}(SNIFFLES)

3384
01:35:27,263 --> 01:35:29,015
{\an8}it is a miracle.

3385
01:35:29,057 --> 01:35:31,601
{\an8}- It's the wife that she is

3386
01:35:29,057 --> 01:35:31,601
{\an8}and the mother that she is,

3387
01:35:31,643 --> 01:35:33,562
{\an8}and I'm really

3388
01:35:31,643 --> 01:35:33,562
{\an8}proud of just her.

3389
01:35:34,270 --> 01:35:35,689
{\an8}- Mom.

3390
01:35:34,270 --> 01:35:35,689
{\an8}- Yeah.

3391
01:35:35,729 --> 01:35:37,982
{\an7}- She's so good, like a mom.

3392
01:35:35,729 --> 01:35:37,982
{\an8}She's so good.

3393
01:35:38,274 --> 01:35:39,733
{\an8}Yeah.

3394
01:35:38,274 --> 01:35:39,733
{\an8}- Thanks, Mommy.

3395
01:35:39,775 --> 01:35:41,777
{\an8}- So I think she's

3396
01:35:39,775 --> 01:35:41,777
{\an8}the best mom in the world,

3397
01:35:41,819 --> 01:35:45,073
{\an7}and I go, "I wish, you know,

3398
01:35:41,819 --> 01:35:45,073
{\an8}I'd been more like that."

3399
01:35:45,114 --> 01:35:46,866
{\an8}- Oh.

3400
01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:48,451
{\an8}- I love you.

3401
01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:48,451
{\an8}- I love you, hon.

3402
01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:48,451
{\an8}I love you, Mommy.

3403
01:35:51,913 --> 01:35:53,122
{\an8}- Aw.

3404
01:35:53,164 --> 01:35:54,666
{\an8}- You said

3405
01:35:53,164 --> 01:35:54,666
{\an8}it would be fun, Kathryn.

3406
01:35:55,124 --> 01:35:57,335
{\an7}(MILA KUNIS, FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

3407
01:35:55,124 --> 01:35:57,335
{\an8}- Don't touch my makeup.

3408
01:35:57,377 --> 01:35:58,670
{\an8}- See this shit?

3409
01:35:57,377 --> 01:35:58,670
{\an8}(LAUGHTER)

3410
01:36:00,880 --> 01:36:02,882
{\an8}(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)