2
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,282
I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.
3
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,208
I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,
4
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,408
and I've been
running late ever since.
5
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,856
My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...
6
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,881
Love you.
7
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,403
Then racing to work
where I have meeting,
8
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,648
after meeting, after meeting.
9
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,084
I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,
10
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,649
and I try to work
out once a week.
11
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,805
Why do I suck at Zumba?
12
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,085
Most days, I race back to
school for the kids' plays,
13
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,441
and poetry readings
and class projects...
14
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,440
Mom!
15
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,320
- Which I'm always late for.
Sorry.
16
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,050
And then there's PTA meetings,
17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,926
and volunteering and
parent-teacher conferences.
18
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,646
Jesus, Miss Wiggins
fuckin' hates me.
19
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,442
At least once a day, I feel like
the worst mom in the world,
20
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,965
and I cry in my car.
21
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,605
Then I shuttle the kids to
piano lessons and soccer games
22
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,409
and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,
23
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,488
before my daily trip
to the grocery store.
24
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,241
Ugh.
25
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,005
This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.
26
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,370
But I feel like I'm
screwing up all the time.
27
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,608
Still, I love being a mom.
28
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,776
Here, baby. There's your
organic turkey club sandwich,
29
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,644
and Dylan, here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.
30
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,816
What's peanut-free
peanut butter?
31
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,841
I have no idea.
32
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,931
Baby, here's your American
history project I made you.
33
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,041
I hope you like it.
34
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,522
I love you.
I love you!
35
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,002
Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.
36
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,889
I love my babies so much!
37
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,365
God, they hate me.
38
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,166
Hey, Amy!
39
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,685
Hey, guys.
40
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,168
God, I just don't
know how you do it.
41
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,969
You just leave your kids all day
42
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,121
and go to work?
43
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,361
You're so strong.
44
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,325
Yeah, thank you.
45
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,283
Don't you miss them?
46
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,650
I do. But I also
need, like, money.
47
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,881
- Right.
- Hmm.
48
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,769
Oh, gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.
49
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,126
I'm really late to work.
50
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,004
Well, you're always late.
51
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,809
I know. It's basically
the only thing
52
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,166
I'm good at these days.
53
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,287
See you guys later.
54
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,529
God, I just love
how hard she works.
55
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,722
Oh, my God, I love
how hard she works.
56
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,565
I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.
57
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,167
I work at
a super-hip coffee company.
58
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,526
I love my job,
59
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,884
but I'm 32 years old and I'm
the oldest person here by far.
60
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,486
Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.
61
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:28,921
Morning, Momma.
62
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,001
Morning, Tessa.
63
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,846
Oh, my God, lam so fucking
hungover, I might actually die.
64
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,487
That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.
65
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,601
Oh.
66
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,849
Right. Except that I took like a
shitload of pills this morning,
67
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,491
so I don't totally
know where I am yet.
68
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,641
You're at work, Tess.
69
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,604
Oh, perfect.
Yeah.
70
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,286
May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.
71
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,284
Is that allowed?
No.
72
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,840
Good morning.
73
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,166
Hey, boss!
74
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,401
Good morning, Dale.
75
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,170
I had a dream last night.
76
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,323
Ooh.
I was naked in a hotel.
77
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,164
I'm talking fully
naked, dick, balls...
78
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,327
Yep, got it.
79
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,926
No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.
80
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,121
We got it.
81
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,690
I walk over to the coffee maker
82
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,169
and there is a bag of our
coffee in the hotel room.
83
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,760
Cool dream, Dale.
84
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,046
Thank you, Tessa.
85
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,167
Um...
86
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,163
Is this your way of saying that
87
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,766
you wanna start selling
your coffee to hotels, now?
88
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,486
No. This is my way of
saying that I want you
89
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,801
to start selling our
coffee to hotels now.
90
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,611
But Dale, I'm already running
sales for supermarkets,
91
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,364
airlines and restaurants.
92
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,880
I mean,
I'm just part-time.
93
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,001
You are?
Since when?
94
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,241
Six years ago!
95
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,170
What?
No way.
96
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,536
She's here like every day.
97
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,689
Oh, I know, but I
have a family and stuff, so...
98
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,768
Hey! You know how important
family is to me.
99
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,410
I got it wrote on
my arm right there.
100
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,481
Oh, wow.
101
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,244
It's dope, right?
So tight.
102
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,721
Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?
103
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,444
Yes!
No, Dale!
104
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,369
I have lots of work to do.
105
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,040
The History Channel was right.
106
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,764
You guys are the
greatest generation.
107
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,806
I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,
108
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,769
my dog and my husband, Mike.
109
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,329
He's a successful
mortgage broker,
110
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,971
but sometimes he
feels like my third child.
111
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,003
Hey, babe.
Hey... Oh!
112
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,816
Look at all the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.
113
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,205
You look like a Sherpa.
114
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,927
Oh!
115
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,163
You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.
116
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,481
I appreciate it.
117
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,006
Here We 90, guys.
118
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,206
Thanks, honey.
119
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,123
All right, love.
How was work?
120
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,523
Oh, I had two conference
calls and then I took a nap.
121
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,011
It was exhausting.
122
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,489
I bet. I bet.
Uh...
123
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,567
Dylan, baby, how was
your science quiz?
124
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,126
Oh, I got a D.
125
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,804
A D? But we
worked so hard.
126
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,881
Baby, what happened?
127
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,480
Do you need extra help? Should
we get you another tutor?
128
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,891
Mmm, nah, I'm good.
129
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,686
Mike?
130
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,366
Did you hear? Dylan got a
D on his science quiz.
131
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,560
Way to go, bud.
132
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,489
What? Okay.
133
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,881
Um...
134
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,930
Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How
was your soccer tryouts?
135
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,482
Coach is posting a list of
who made the team tonight at 9:00,
136
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,846
and I'm so nervous.
137
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,651
Baby, it's okay, relax. You will
make the soccer team, I promise.
138
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,286
Just don't freak out.
139
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,609
I'm freakin' out.
Lam, too.
140
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,364
What time is it now?
8:59.
141
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,130
Come on!
142
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,086
Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.
143
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,726
- Oh, my God. I made the team.
- I made the team!
144
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,370
Oh, my God.
Lam so relieved.
145
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,056
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
146
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,606
Baby,
I'm so proud of you!
147
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,366
Oh, I'm so excited.
Oh, my God.
148
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,125
This is gonna look so awesome
on my college applications.
149
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,806
Baby, it's great, it's great,
150
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,763
but just remember you're
only 12, so it's...
151
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,881
Wait.
152
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,606
What if I don't play?
153
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,488
What if I'm a loser
benchwarmer scrub?
154
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,496
You're great, you're
gonna be fine, you're...
155
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,522
No! It's not fine, Mom.
156
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,130
Do you understand how hard it is
157
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,123
to get into
an Ivy League school now?
158
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,202
I mean, they turn away Asians.
159
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,530
That's a little racist, but...
160
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,529
Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.
161
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,760
Why'd you let me eat dessert?
162
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,485
Oh, I know, because you hate me!
163
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,731
Holy shit.
164
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,164
Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.
165
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,241
No.
166
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,085
Oh, my God, are you...
167
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,811
No, no, no, l was just checking
my prostate.
168
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,244
You know, I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.
169
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,536
Why won't this
fucking window close?
170
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,211
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
171
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,126
Uh, who the hell are you?
172
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,570
I'm his wife.
173
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,887
Oh, shit.
174
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,121
Are you masturbating
online with some chick?
175
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,440
No, no!
176
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:43,760
Well, then, what are you doing?
177
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,725
Uh, um... I
was clicking and then I...
178
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,641
So then I was...
179
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,246
Yes, okay, I was masturbating
online with some chick.
180
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,681
What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?
181
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,765
Hold on a second. I don't think
I've done anything wrong.
182
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,808
This is totally mainstream now.
183
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,325
Hi, I'm Sharon.
184
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,536
I don't know,
I don't know, Mike.
185
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,530
This really feels like cheating.
186
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,924
No, no, no, no, no, this is
definitely not cheating, honey.
187
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,286
I've never even touched her.
188
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,091
Her giant bush
is 2,000 miles away.
189
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,007
But how long have
you been doing this?
190
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,009
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.
191
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,570
Ten months next Friday.
192
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,566
What the fuck?
193
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,920
Ten months?
194
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,882
Do you have feelings for her?
195
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,522
You don't masturbate online
with someone for 10 months
196
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,931
without developing
some feelings.
197
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,445
I mean, I'm not a monster.
198
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,642
Do you have
feelings for her, Mike?
199
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,724
Yes! Okay? l have feelings for her!
God!
200
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,563
She's actually
a pretty amazing woman.
201
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,569
You know, she runs
her own dairy farm,
202
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,130
she's developing an app.
203
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,725
Get out!
What?
204
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,605
Get the fuck out of my house.
205
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,730
So uncool.
206
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,576
You know, Amy,
I just feel like
207
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,256
Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...
208
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,008
Okay, so your dad had to go
outta town on a business trip,
209
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,566
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,
210
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,201
which should be fine,
211
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,569
as long as everybody does
what they are supposed to do.
212
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,641
Right?
213
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,444
Oh, no.
214
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,369
Why is Roscoe walking like that?
215
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,124
He's fine.
He's totally fine.
216
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,889
on, no, buddy!
217
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,405
Lookin' good, Jeff.
218
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,527
Oh.
219
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,409
Thanks. Yeah, you
been workin' out?
220
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,562
No, not for like 10 years.
221
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,644
Your beige Windbreaker is
really lightin' up my board.
222
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,400
Oh, uh, thanks.
223
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,970
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.
224
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,125
Bye. Jeff!
225
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,601
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
226
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,281
Oh, God.
227
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,408
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.
228
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,687
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
229
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,320
Oh, I don't have any friends.
230
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,086
Oh. I'm pretty isolated at home.
231
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,241
I have four kids.
232
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,243
Okay, good. Please move along.
Thank you.
233
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,376
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
234
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,440
Thank you for inviting me.
235
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,961
Oh, my God. She just got all
her sadness all over me.
236
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,530
Oh, shit!
237
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,806
Here comes the hot widower.
238
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,247
Hey, Jessie.
Hey, guys.
239
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,321
- Hi.
- Hi.
240
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,245
Cute backpack you got there.
241
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,967
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.
242
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,090
You're hilarious!
You really are!
243
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,321
God, he's so fucking hot.
244
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,440
- Here you go.
- I know.
245
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,249
I'm so glad his wife died.
246
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,250
You know what? I saw him install a
car seat yesterday in two seconds.
247
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,761
I'm tellin' you, it was like
boom, boom, click.
248
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,127
It was so hot.
Oh, gosh.
249
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,448
You know what? I think I'd
let him put it in my butt.
250
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,688
I mean, in theory, I'm not
really into the butt thing,
251
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240
but I would let him
go to town back there.
252
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,608
I'm with you.
Emergency PTA meeting.
253
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,136
Okay, I got four minutes
to get Roscoe to the vet,
254
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,776
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.
255
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,165
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
256
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,601
Bye, Mom.
257
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,721
ON.
M� m'! Gem m�
258
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,004
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...
259
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,208
Can you roll down the window?
Okay. Okay, okay.
260
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,491
Hey. Hey,
babe, listen.
261
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,048
There is a emergency PTA
meeting today at 5:00.
262
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,202
It should be about
two to three hours.
263
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,011
Awesome. Awesome.
Okay?
264
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,603
Your dog's wearing a helmet.
Okay, I know.
265
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,091
Yes, it's... Thank you.
266
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,606
Okay-
267
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,761
Fuck!
268
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,041
Your dog has vertigo.
That can't be a thing.
269
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,091
And you are gonna have to
carry him until he gets home.
270
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,600
Are you shitting me right now?
271
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,687
I don't shit.
272
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,445
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.
273
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,530
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.
274
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,085
You missed the meeting, bro.
275
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,520
Oh, no.
276
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,845
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
277
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,369
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
278
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,601
Get in, get in, get in.
279
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,129
I can't believe I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.
280
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,168
Baby, I'm doing
the best that I can.
281
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,890
Yeah, that's what
makes it even sadder.
282
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,361
Oh, God.
283
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,171
Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.
How was your day?
284
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,770
I swallowed a pen cap again.
285
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,281
Oh, God.
286
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,607
Ooh!
287
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,241
Crap.
288
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,560
Was that a hit-and-run?
289
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,961
Nope.
290
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,840
Nope.
That was nothing.
291
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,569
Jane, go!!
Go, go, go!, go!
292
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,205
Excuse me, Coach?
293
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,006
I'm so sorry that Jane is late.
It is all my fault.
294
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,768
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?
295
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,763
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...
296
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,285
Ah!
297
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,966
Shit.
298
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,691
Hey...
299
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,122
Hi, guys! Guys, um...
300
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,811
For those of you who have been
living under a rock...
301
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,882
lam Gwendolyn James.
302
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,731
I am the president of the PTA,
303
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,400
but most importantly,
304
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,727
lam the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,
305
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,404
Blaire and Gandhi.
306
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,882
Now, I called this
emergency PTA meeting
307
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,249
to address an issue that radically
affects the safety of our children.
308
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,927
The bake sale.
309
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,810
Is this a joke?
310
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,121
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients
311
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,601
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.
312
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,849
No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.
313
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,491
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts
314
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,006
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.
315
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,081
Okay?
316
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,003
Sorry, what ingredients
can we use?
317
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,856
Anyway, I will be putting together...
Thank you.
318
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,929
A special bake sale police force
319
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,166
that will monitor the food. That
will destroy any offensive treats
320
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,445
and prosecute the wrongdoers.
321
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,601
Yes.
322
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,331
So who will be
my first volunteer
323
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,616
for the bake sale police force?
324
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,725
I think we're gonna
have Amy Mitchell!
325
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,201
What?
326
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,044
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.
327
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,041
No.
328
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,926
What's that now?
329
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,688
I've had a really long day.
330
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,009
I have been bruised and burned,
331
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,520
knocked unconscious.
332
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,206
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer
333
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,046
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap
334
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,768
and my poor dog has vertigo.
335
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,923
I mean, who knew that that was
even a real thing, you guys?
336
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,689
God, I'm drowning at work
337
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,127
and my boss is a fucking moron
338
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,641
and...
339
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,209
Three hours ago I may or may not
340
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,248
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.
341
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,325
I can't do this anymore.
342
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,400
I'm sorry.
343
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,080
I'm done.
344
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,810
I quit.
345
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,487
Hey, what can l get ya?
Oh, Scotch.
346
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,081
Oh, hey, I know you.
347
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,451
You're that chick that always
picks up my kid from school
348
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,488
when I forget/don't want to.
349
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,043
Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla.
Carla Dunkler.
350
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,770
Jesus, you look like
a bag of dicks.
351
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,968
Thanks.
Hi.
352
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,964
I'm really sorry to interrupt,
but, um, I just have to tell you,
353
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,044
what you did back there
was amazing.
354
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,288
Thank you.
355
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,646
It's Kiki, right?
356
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,841
Yes.
357
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,567
She knows my name.
358
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,484
l feel like Beyonc� Knowles.
359
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,056
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?
360
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,890
What do you mean "us"? Honey, I
was just sitting here by myself.
361
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,161
I would love to, but I can't.
362
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,416
I have to go to
the grocery store
363
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,816
and then I have to go home and
clean out my son's hamster cage,
364
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,216
'cause he gets so
mad when I forget.
365
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,242
Have a drink, Kiki.
Okay, yeah.
366
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,209
Okay. Yes, I'd like
an apple juice.
367
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,770
Why don't you have this instead?
368
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,851
Excuse me?
369
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,845
Oh, do you know what my
favorite mom fantasy is?
370
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,046
What?
Uh-oh.
371
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,205
Having a quiet
breakfast by myself.
372
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,248
Oh! That is so hot!
Oh!
373
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,930
Sounds glorious.
Oh.
374
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,086
Sometimes when I'm
driving all by myself,
375
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,080
I have this fantasy that
I get into a car crash.
376
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,329
Not a big one with fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.
377
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,640
But I do get injured
378
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,451
and I get to go to the
hospital for two weeks
379
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,605
and I sleep all day and I eat
Jell-O and I watch so much TV
380
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,603
and it's all
covered by my insurance.
381
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,889
My kids bring me balloons, and
the nurses rub cream on my feet,
382
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,201
and oh, my God, it's so amazing.
383
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,284
Is that like something you
guys fantasize about, too?
384
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,886
No.
No.
385
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,803
You're bat-shit crazy. Yeah.
386
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,522
And I'm never gonna get
into a car with you.
387
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,484
Is it fun being a single mom?
388
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,086
Yes!
389
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,324
I go to the casino.
Yeah.
390
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,007
You know, I'm
learning karate now.
391
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,330
Plus, I have, like, a stable
of hot dudes to call right up
392
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,010
whenever I want some D in my V.
393
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,810
I wanna be a single mom.
No, it's fuckin' awesome.
394
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,207
Bottom line is,
395
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,442
I have to live my life one
quarter mile at a time.
396
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,287
Is that from... Yeah.
The Fast and Furious.
397
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,924
I fucked Vin Diesel when he
was in town doing Furious 6-
398
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,923
You fucked Vin Diesel?
Yeah.
399
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,206
Vincent Diesel?
400
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,490
It might not have been
actually Vin Diesel,
401
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,528
but I definitely
fucked a bald guy.
402
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,165
Salud.
Salud.
403
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,446
Yep.
To Vincent Diesel.
404
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,567
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
405
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,842
Kiki, get your shit together.
Oh, my God.
406
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,844
Do you know what I hate?
Mmm?
407
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,922
There are so many
fuckin' rules now.
408
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,081
Yes, God.
409
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,771
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."
410
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,888
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."
411
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,371
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."
412
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,051
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."
413
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,122
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?
414
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,925
We're killing ourselves, trying to be
perfect, and it's making us insane.
415
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,249
In this day and age, it's
impossible to be a good mom.
416
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,050
Screw it.
Yeah.
417
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,321
Let's be bad moms.
418
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,130
Oh, I'm in.
Right?
419
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,726
Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting.
I'm in!
420
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,088
Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
To bad moms!
421
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,527
Aw.
422
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,005
I love you guys.
Mmm.
423
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,491
Oh, dude.
We love you, Kiki.
424
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,130
We just met, Kiki.
Forever.
425
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,129
I love you forever. I'm
not into this kind of...
426
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,481
Oh, gosh, honey, we
gotta go get you home.
427
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,766
We gotta go.
Yeah, let's go.
428
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,161
We gotta go. No, I can't. l
have to go to the supermarket.
429
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,165
Let's go to the supermarket!
430
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,966
Oh, my God.
431
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,721
- You're so cute.
- Adorable.
432
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,445
Oh, I wanna eat her face.
433
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,567
Hi, bunny.
434
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,687
All right, let's go!
435
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,681
Where is she?
436
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,731
Oh, it's so bright, you guys.
437
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,961
Are you okay?
438
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,485
Yeah, I'm awesome.
439
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,045
What did you do last night?
440
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,400
Nothin'.
441
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,281
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.
442
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,169
Oh, my God. I made
nachos last night!
443
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,921
Oh.
444
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,600
Amazing.
445
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,447
Mmm.
446
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,522
The cheese is so hard.
447
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,321
Um...
448
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,562
Aren't you gonna
make us breakfast?
449
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,721
Oh.
450
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,847
No.
451
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,761
But what are we gonna eat?
452
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,571
You guys are really smart.
453
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,330
You can make your own breakfast.
454
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,084
I'm just gonna take these to go.
455
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,360
Peace!
456
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,085
All right, get in the car.
457
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,484
You know what?
On second thought,
458
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,250
let's take your
daddy's special car today.
459
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,129
Won't Dad be mad?
Yeah.
460
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,440
Probably.
461
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,646
Whoo!
462
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,571
That was so awesome!
463
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:40,926
All right.
464
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,720
What is she driving?
465
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,485
Have a great day at school!
466
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,610
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!
467
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,401
Thanks, Mom.
You're the best mom ever!
468
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,925
Aw, I love you, guys!
469
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,245
Is that Arby's?
470
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,243
I love their hot fish sandwich.
471
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,322
Hey, Amy. Hi.
472
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,885
Hey, we're having
a PTA meeting today
473
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,082
to discuss the upcoming
election at 2:00.
474
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,286
Will we see you there?
475
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,566
No.
476
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,001
Oh.
477
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,128
That bitch is
playing a dangerous game.
478
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,841
Amy plays football?
479
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,561
Oh, my God.
480
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,770
Oh, thank you.
481
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,600
Amazing!
482
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,966
Oh, this is Amy.
483
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,691
Amy, where are you? The morning
huddle started an hour ago.
484
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,527
Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.
485
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,764
Are you feeling okay, Amy?
486
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,683
Are you having a senior moment?
487
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,690
I've actually never felt better.
488
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,367
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper
489
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,727
for the first time in 12 years.
490
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,726
You need to come into
the office right now!
491
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,521
No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only
work for you three days a week.
492
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,208
If you want me to work more, then
you should pay me to do that.
493
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,856
Okay, Amy, you're kind of
making me look like a dick
494
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,496
in front of everybody
in the office right now.
495
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,807
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.
496
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,402
Hello?
Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.
497
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,481
Hi!
498
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,324
Um, I was actually
calling to see,
499
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.
500
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,924
Are we allowed to do that?
501
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,004
Well, I don't see why not.
502
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,090
I can't. I mean, I have
to iron Kent's underwear.
503
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,561
What? Why?
504
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,928
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.
505
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,202
Come on, Kiki, live a little.
506
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,286
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.
507
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,762
Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.
508
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,082
Oh, fun! I like her.
509
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,611
I'm also very scared of her.
510
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,601
Okay.
511
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,649
Ow! Ow!
512
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,930
Yo!
Hey, it's Amy.
513
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,496
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join
514
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,016
Kiki and I at the
movies this afternoon.
515
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,201
I'm already here.
516
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,281
Hey, lady.
517
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,009
Get off your phone.
Guess what?
518
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,445
She dies in the end.
519
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,126
Yeah, cancer gets her.
520
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,481
What?
521
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,848
Yeah, what do you
bitches wanna see?
522
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,770
Love is stronger
523
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,640
than space.
524
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,127
You guys, lady boners over here.
525
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,648
Cheers, ladies.
Mmm.
526
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,961
Mmm.
527
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,041
This has been so much fun.
528
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,616
Thank you, girls,
for coming out with me.
529
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,641
Are you kidding me?
530
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,929
This has literally been the
best day of my entire life.
531
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,206
Oh, honey.
532
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,164
My ex is picking up the kid,
so I can go all night if...
533
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,209
Oh. hey, did you
hear that?
534
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,691
My ex has my kid.
535
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,680
Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.
536
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,930
Is it hard to share your
son with your ex-husband?
537
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,606
Fuck no.
No?
538
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,967
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall
539
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,724
and all he cares
about is baseball.
540
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,404
Do you go to all of his games?
541
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,482
No. No, I don't.
542
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,560
The last game I went
to was six hours long
543
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,443
and the final score
was one to two.
544
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,576
So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan
than another kids' baseball game.
545
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,601
Cheers.
546
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,886
How do you think that your
divorce affected your kid?
547
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,168
How are things
in your home, Amy?
548
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,203
- Oh, it's fine.
- Everything's fine.
549
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,801
Ugh.
550
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,209
I caught Mike having an
affair online with a woman,
551
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,886
and I guess it's been going
on for like 10 months.
552
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,486
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?
553
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,890
No. Here's the truth.
554
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,121
Our marriage has
been over for years.
555
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,046
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.
556
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,168
Kent and I have sex every
Friday night after Blue Bloods-
557
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,647
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.
558
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,047
I feel like everything that comes out
of your mouth is a cry for help.
559
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,324
Kiki, you're so weird.
560
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,526
No, wait,
561
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,921
why did you marry this
shithead in the first place?
562
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,126
He sounds like an asshole.
563
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,804
Because we were
young and in love.
564
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,326
I mean, he wasn't always an asshole.
I promise you.
565
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,123
It's true. Listen, I got
pregnant, we got married.
566
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,645
I was only 20.
567
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,125
You know what? Mike and I
never got our twenties.
568
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,601
Like, you know, the
fun twenties, and...
569
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,936
l feel like
maybe he missed that.
570
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:42,961
Oh, my God.
571
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,885
Maybe I did, too.
572
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,531
When I was in my twenties, I
would just walk down the street
573
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,763
and it would just be raining
dicks wherever I went.
574
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,096
It was just dick,
dick, dick, dick,
575
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,336
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick.
576
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,170
It was, like, forecast,
lot of cock!
577
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:58,967
Kiki?
578
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,282
Hi. Kent, hi.
579
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,726
What are you doing here?
580
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,246
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.
581
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,448
Who's watching the kids?
Rosie.
582
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,045
Isn't that your job?
583
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,965
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?
584
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,321
Yes. Yes, Kent.
585
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:17,007
It absolutely is my job, and I
was just about to leave, so,
586
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,487
um, thank you guys so much.
587
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,409
I can%, uh,
do the math right now.
588
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,370
Just take that and have a
wonderful day, you guys.
589
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,680
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.
590
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:26,807
Oh, my...
591
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,962
Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!
592
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,771
That's really disturbing.
593
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,921
Yes!
594
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,123
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,
595
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,009
so I think I'm gonna
get fucked up!
596
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,605
Yeah, donut holes!
597
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,200
I love these things.
How much are they?
598
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,366
Um...
599
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,921
Five cents.
600
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,923
How about a dollar?
601
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,684
What?
602
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,649
Hey now, big spender.
603
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,207
Thank you.
604
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:19,966
Mmm.
605
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,601
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.
606
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,920
Is that what it is?
Mmm-hmm.
607
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,687
They're tasty.
608
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,609
She's adorable.
Thank you.
609
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,721
Mmm-hmm.
610
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,281
Good to see you.
611
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,124
Bye-Bye.
612
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,606
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?
613
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,251
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?
614
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,211
What? No.
615
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,009
Gosh, no, I made them by hand
616
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,084
and then I put them in the
weird plastic container.
617
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,844
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not
618
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,445
allow store-bought
holes.
619
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,562
Seriously, Vicky? AMY:
Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.
620
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,165
Who cares what food people bring
621
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,890
as long as it
raises money, right?
622
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,122
Oh, did she just... Oh. She did.
623
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,885
Hit her with it, G.
624
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,571
Well, you see, I care, sweetie.
625
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,881
I don't... I don't know what's
been going on with you,
626
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,486
I mean, with your
weird outbursts
627
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,086
and your terrible style,
628
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,844
but it ends now.
629
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,128
Okay? I run this school,
630
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:17,000
and no one takes
a class or kicks a ball
631
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,607
or plays a fuckin' clarinet
without my say-so.
632
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,967
And I can make life
a living hell for you
633
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:26,849
and your dirty little children.
634
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:28,805
Do you understand me?
635
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,362
Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think
you should just relax a little bit,
636
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,647
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.
637
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,882
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.
638
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,641
You have crossed
the line, little girl.
639
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,609
And I am going to destroy you.
640
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,610
Winter is coming.
641
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,167
Gwendolyn.
642
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,846
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.
643
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,487
What...
644
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,530
Bye.
Bye.
645
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,451
Out of my way!
646
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,400
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.
647
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,449
You psyched for Mandarin class?
648
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:06,726
No!
No.
649
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,609
Mandarin class is so stressful.
650
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,887
Everyone just
barfs the whole time.
651
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,803
Did you say "barfs"?
Yeah.
652
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,845
Oh, my God.
653
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,166
Wha...
654
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,683
Why are we doing this?
655
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,485
What are you doing? Mandarin
class is back that way!
656
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:25,561
I know.
657
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,490
But we're gonna
play hooky today.
658
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,730
We cannot
afford this place.
659
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,450
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
660
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,767
Shh. Get in here, you idiots.
We totally snuck in.
661
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,002
I know! Shh. I can't believe
you have a real job.
662
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,243
You're a lucky girl, Becky. I
would never do this for my kid.
663
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,010
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.
664
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,168
Also, my name's Jane.
665
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,361
Okay-
666
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,283
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.
667
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,885
Bye, Becky! Shh.
Okay, thanks, Carla.
668
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,081
This place is fancy.
Gosh.
669
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,330
Oh, look.
Free soap.
670
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,640
No, honey, don't take that.
671
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,920
Oh, no, that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.
672
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,770
This is what the tub looks like
after your brother takes a bath.
673
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,284
You look like Kung Fu Panda.
674
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,400
This is amazing.
675
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:20,646
Mmm-hmm.
676
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,209
We should get matching
tattoos after this.
677
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,048
I'm really glad
we did this, Mom.
678
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,885
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.
679
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,484
God, you needed a break from
school and soccer and...
680
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,044
This whole Dad thing.
681
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:38,720
What whole Dad thing?
682
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,443
Nothing. Nothing!
683
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,729
Does Dad
have a brain tumor?
684
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,167
What? No!
No, no, no, no.
685
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,049
God, no. Um...
686
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,287
Your dad and I are going through
a rough patch right now.
687
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,445
Are you guys gonna get divorced?
688
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:56,851
What? No, no, no.
689
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:01,130
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.
690
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,287
I just want you to know that
no matter what happens,
691
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,287
it's not your fault.
692
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,529
Why would it be my fault?
693
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,170
Why would you even say that?
694
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,241
I don't know!
695
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,250
Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!
696
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,448
I just don't
wanna be weird, okay?
697
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,040
Baby, please don't cry. Please...
No, no, no, no, no.
698
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,447
Honey, I need you to look at
me, just look at me, okay?
699
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,765
Baby, baby...
700
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,081
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.
701
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,090
That I love you.
702
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,246
And I promise you,
you will be fine.
703
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,526
How do you know?
704
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,011
Because I'm your mom,
705
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,651
and I know you
better than anyone,
706
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,722
and I know what you're made of.
707
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,730
Oh, honey.
708
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,245
I love you.
709
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,450
I love you, too.
710
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,411
Hey, Coach?
711
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,481
Coach!
712
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,406
Fuck!
713
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,010
Hi, Gwendolyn.
Hi, how are you?
714
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:08,856
Listen, um,
I wanna talk to you about
715
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,800
the starting lineup of
next week's game. Mmm-hmm.
716
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,491
In particular, Amy
Mitchell's daughter, Jane.
717
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,921
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.
718
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,243
And you know that
I chair the hiring
719
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,163
and firing committee, right?
720
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,608
So let's stop clicking around and
let's get to the fucking point.
721
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,849
Please don't get
me fired, Gwendolyn.
722
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,324
My cat just died.
Oh.
723
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,051
And I'm really very
fragile right now.
724
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,365
Bench the little dork.
725
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,440
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.
726
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,000
I need this. This is my time. Do you
know what I mean?
727
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:45,005
Go for Carla.
Hey, it's Amy,
728
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,416
I just found out Mike is staying
with his Internet girlfriend.
729
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,966
Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.
730
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:52,121
I wanna get laid.
731
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,201
I'm on my way.
732
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,811
I'm so excited.
733
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,536
Honey, I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?
734
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,561
It's like a nun's closet.
735
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,524
No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.
736
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,244
Let's see this!
737
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,569
It's my favorite.
738
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,881
I love it.
739
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,322
No! No! Are you trying
to get laid or adopted?
740
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:14,563
Oh.
Fair point.
741
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,641
Ooh.
742
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:17,001
Okay-
743
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,324
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.
744
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,289
Fuck, you guys, I literally
have nothing, then.
745
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,203
I have mom clothes,
I have work clothes.
746
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,886
Okay, you know, let me get
in there one more time.
747
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:29,736
I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.
Move, move, get me in here.
748
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,720
I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.
We'll find it.
749
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,256
We'll find something, honey.
Don't get discouraged.
750
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,416
Okay. Okay.
You can do this.
751
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,010
I mean, Jesus Christ!
752
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,811
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.
753
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,769
I love that movie.
754
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,046
Me too.
Okay.
755
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,200
It's such a good film.
756
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:45,004
Wait a minute,
I see a spaghetti strap.
757
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,721
No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty
Halloween costume from college.
758
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,370
I like the word "slutty."
Put it on.
759
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,851
Just try it.
Try it.
760
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,446
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...
761
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,211
Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!
Ooh.
762
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,687
There's so much surface area.
763
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,889
You can make three regular
bras out of this one mom bra.
764
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,770
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.
765
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,525
Shut up!
766
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,125
Don't laugh.
Wait, are you serious?
767
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,440
Yes!
768
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,931
Oh, honey.
Amy.
769
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,168
Oh! That looks like you
just got out of surgery.
770
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,446
Is it that bad?
771
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,171
Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
Yeah.
772
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,810
You don't even have two tits.
773
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,240
I have this in black. Do you
guys wanna see it in black?
774
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,441
No!
No!
775
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,843
Oh, wow. This bra will be
the death of your vagina.
776
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,121
Oh!
777
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,281
Oh, my gosh.
778
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,842
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.
779
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:37,967
Oh, honey!
780
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,327
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?
781
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,851
Kent is a never-hard.
782
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,610
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?
783
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,523
Oh, he never gets fully hard.
784
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,248
So I just have to kind of fold his
penis up like a balloon animal
785
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,163
and shove it up in my vagina.
786
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,528
- That sounds horrible!
- Yeah.
787
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,046
Sometimes I take the balls
and shove 'em up there, too,
788
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,361
because at least,
you know, they're firm.
789
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,603
Honey, that is a lot of shit
to shove up your cooter.
790
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,682
I mean, I'm just
happy he's circumcised.
791
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,320
What if I get somebody
who's not circumcised?
792
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,209
Run out of the room screaming.
793
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,884
It's like finding
a gun in the street.
794
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,724
Just scream and get outta there!
795
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,007
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.
796
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,081
Really?
797
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,491
Oh, they're always
so nice to you,
798
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,056
because they know
their dicks are gross.
799
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,206
How do I handle it?
800
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,576
What, do I just touch it?
Oh, I'll show you. Here.
801
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,496
Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
Uh-uh. What?
802
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,286
Just imagine for a second that
this is the hood of the uncut cook
803
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,801
and then this is the penis face.
Okay? Mmm-hmm.
804
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,121
So, what you would
do is very gently,
805
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,524
you would just kind
of try to peel it back
806
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,805
over like that to expose
the head of the cock.
807
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,281
Okay. And then you
would just gently,
808
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,816
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just wanna kind of,
809
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,001
like it gets a little tight,
810
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,525
and you gotta kind of work it,
811
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,204
you know, you gotta work it off.
812
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,681
And then you just go to town
like it's a, you know...
813
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,729
You know,
you jerk it off
814
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:53,926
till you wanna sit on it.
815
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,371
What do l do with this? Okay?
816
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,607
What? Like, do I put it in a
hair clip or do I just...
817
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,284
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,
818
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,536
this you can flick it, suck it,
819
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,656
you know, rub your face on it.
820
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,536
I don't wanna do that. I don't
wanna rub my face on it.
821
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,528
Okay, well, take care
of this, though. Okay.
822
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,570
'Cause this is like a
big, giant man clit.
823
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,641
This, right here.
824
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,802
If you work this,
it's gonna be like...
825
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,376
Does that make sense, honey?
Yeah, it's great.
826
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,536
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you, honey.
827
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,722
I'm not gonna wear this
sweatshirt ever again.
828
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,607
Okay, okay, all right.
Let's get right down to it.
829
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,216
What kind of guy
are you into, honey?
830
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,449
You know what? I've
never been with a Latin man.
831
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,290
If I were you,
I would start with maybe
832
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,727
like just kind
of fat and Jewish,
833
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,962
and then work yourself
into the Latin guy.
834
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,451
Excuse me.
Okay.
835
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,086
Hi, there.
Hi!
836
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,161
Is this seat taken?
837
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,125
Um, yes.
838
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,931
I mean, yes, no,
like yes, sit, please. Yeah.
839
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,044
What do I do?
Ask him about his hobbies.
840
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,281
Hi.
Hi.
841
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,806
Um, I'm Amy.
Braden.
842
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,211
Braden, nice
to meet you, Braden.
843
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,328
Nice to meet you. I
like your wedding ring.
844
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,487
Shit!
845
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,568
Um...
846
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,371
Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.
847
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,011
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping
848
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,526
and l found it on the floor,
and I picked it up and...
849
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,160
And then I put it on.
850
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:52,450
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Okay.
851
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,536
Ooh, maybe next time, try it
without your wedding ring.
852
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,085
Oh, that's a great idea! Yeah?
853
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,685
Yes.
Hey, ladies.
854
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,762
Hi! Where are you
comin' in from?
855
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,764
Uh, we live in
Westbury with our kids.
856
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,524
Great. Oh.
857
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,496
Oh, forget it. I'm really
nervous, you guys.
858
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,816
You're doing great.
I know, I know. There is...
859
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,841
You're doing great.
860
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,056
Look it, there is so
much cock in here...
861
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,336
Yeah... that if
you literally...
862
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,682
Just try to act half-normal
and you are gonna get laid.
863
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,928
Just don't be such a mom. Okay.
864
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,365
You should eat more soup.
865
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,169
Oh, I loved breastfeeding until
my nipples started cracking.
866
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,286
This should prevent the
stain from setting, okay?
867
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,043
Tupperware! Pinterest!
868
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:32,889
Explosive diarrhea!
869
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,331
Does your mom know you're here?
870
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,288
See, it wasn't just about a
dolphin getting a new tail.
871
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,567
It was about a family
coming together.
872
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,841
What did I say?
873
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,201
Hey! Where are you going?
874
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,041
On, my God, you guys-
875
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,202
How'd it go?
Oh, horrible.
876
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,696
What's the matter, hon?
What happened?
877
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,405
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.
878
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,481
Oh!
879
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,210
I really do.
Amy!
880
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,281
Mmm.
881
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,488
Jessie! What are you
guys doing here?
882
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,609
We're just, you know, having
a little girls' night.
883
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,684
Cool, so the husband's at home
with the kids? That's nice.
884
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,131
Oh, mmm...
885
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,161
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.
886
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,641
Yeah, yeah, she caught him
jerking off with a dairy farmer.
887
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,205
He's a sex criminal.
888
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,284
I don't know where to start.
Are you okay?
889
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,601
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.
890
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,206
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.
891
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,845
Yeah, me too.
892
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:28,921
Me too.
893
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,730
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.
894
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,524
Let's go, creepy. Yeah.
895
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,721
Okay-
896
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,081
Have fun.
897
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,128
You are so hard.
898
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,884
Really, he's got a hard body.
899
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,201
Thank you. I think.
900
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,851
I cannot believe Amy is
talking to Jessie Harkness.
901
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,604
I have dreams about
him braiding my hair.
902
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,896
Okay, can you not
stand so close to me?
903
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:50,056
Because I'm still
trying to get laid.
904
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,445
Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.
905
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:52,971
And don't dance walk.
906
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,807
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?
907
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,441
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?
908
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,376
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.
909
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,041
Wait. You asked about me? Yeah.
910
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,201
Yeah, I...
911
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,560
Okay, I've kind of always
had a thing for you and...
912
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:16,683
What?
I thought you knew that.
913
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,650
No! I had no idea.
No? You had no idea?
914
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,240
Oh, come on. You're like my
favorite mom at the school.
915
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,040
I mean, I honestly don't
know how you do it.
916
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,884
You take your kids
to all those activities,
917
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,405
and you do all
those insane projects.
918
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,086
I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.
919
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,970
Well, you know what? I do have a
little thing for papier-mach�.
920
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:34,644
It was really good.
Thank you.
921
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,569
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?
922
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:38,016
You know, my daughter's
always saying,
923
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,456
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"
924
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,050
Oh, my God,
I love your daughter.
925
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,764
You're making me look bad.
Oh, my God.
926
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,605
Oh, this makes me
so happy.
927
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,842
You know what's just
really amazing, though,
928
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,127
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.
929
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,601
Meh, eh...
No, no, I'm serious!
930
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,844
Anyone could force their kids
to play cello or speak Chinese
931
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,320
or, you know, go to a fancy
college, or something like that,
932
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,722
but what's really
hard is raising kids
933
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,404
who are actually decent and kind
934
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,051
and somehow you've done that.
935
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,656
And you should be really proud.
936
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,330
You're a fuckin' great mom.
937
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,403
on, oh...
938
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,042
Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.
939
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,176
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
And I'm so embarrassed.
940
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,364
You kind of nailed my face, but
we should probably do it again.
941
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,608
Are you sure? Just
no sudden movements.
942
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,211
Just nice and slow.
943
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,049
Carla. Carla!
What, hon?
944
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,176
Carla, look, look, look, look!
945
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,201
CARLA; No, Kiki.
946
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,885
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.
947
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,011
Mike!
Hey, babe!
948
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,845
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.
949
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:23,083
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.
950
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,362
And I feel like we should
just put that in the past
951
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,771
and not talk about it.
952
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,647
Wait, what are you
talking about?
953
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:34,451
Look, I...
954
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,845
I just needed a break.
955
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,530
Haven't you ever needed a break?
956
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,042
Of course I have, Mike.
957
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,407
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.
958
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,761
I miss the kids.
959
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:48,721
So much.
960
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,371
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.
961
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,886
And the dog,
God, I miss Roscoe so much.
962
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,724
How is he doing?
He's fine.
963
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,565
Thank God.
The bottom line is,
964
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,405
I will do whatever it takes
to keep this family together.
965
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,401
Really?
966
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,920
You'll finally go
to therapy with me?
967
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,884
I knew you were gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!
968
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,485
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.
969
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,616
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!
970
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,449
Bye-bye, Mike.
Honestly!
971
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,681
All right, you know what?
972
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,650
Even though it's a total waste of
time and money, I will go to therapy.
973
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:22,004
But when I say go, I mean, like
actually go, like participate, cry.
974
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,566
I haven't cried since the
Cubbies lost it all in '03.
975
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:25,816
How do you expect me...
Mike, you know what?
976
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,896
Have fun with your little weirdo
girlfriend on the Internet.
977
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,491
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?
978
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,681
I'll think about it.
979
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:45,001
Hey-
980
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,205
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?
981
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,443
Coach says I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.
982
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,727
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.
983
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,450
You're the best
forward on that team.
984
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,736
Oh, my God, my life is ruined.
I'm never going to college.
985
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:03,762
I might as well
just become a teacher.
986
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,689
Baby, baby,
look at me for one second.
987
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,201
You'll be okay. I promise
you I'm gonna handle this.
988
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,971
Okay?
Okay,
989
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,121
Okay-
990
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,440
Just please don't make a scene.
991
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,047
Honey, I would
never embarrass you.
992
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,085
Gwendolyn made me do it!
993
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,336
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
994
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,408
What is it with you moms?
995
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,960
I am a middle school
soccer coach.
996
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,565
All I wanna do
997
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:32,651
is make enough money to feed my
cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.
998
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:35,007
Grow some balls! Jesus!
999
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,841
Hey!
1000
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:39,760
How dare you bench my daughter?
1001
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,609
On, m, Amy.
1002
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,489
You have no right to do that.
1003
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,485
Oh, actually, I do,
1004
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,450
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity
1005
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,842
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...
1006
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,126
Oh... Okay.
1007
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:56,641
Uh...
1008
00:47:57,680 --> 00:47:58,966
Well, um...
1009
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:02,161
Not for long.
1010
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,607
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?
1011
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,286
That means I'm gonna run
against you for PTA president.
1012
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:09,010
On.
1013
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:13,681
Amy's husband
just recently left her,
1014
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,285
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.
1015
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,249
Oh, that's so sad.
1016
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:20,881
Ooh.
1017
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,523
You're goin' down.
1018
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:27,681
No, honey,
1019
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,368
the only thing going down is
your husband on another woman.
1020
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:32,960
Well, damn.
1021
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,409
This is
a terrible idea, Amy.
1022
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:39,569
There's no way you can beat her.
1023
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,371
Gwendolyn has been president of
the PTA for the last six years.
1024
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,724
Kiki, she messed with my kid. I
can't let that stand. Come on!
1025
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,096
Right, but all
the different mom groups
1026
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,256
are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.
1027
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,250
She's got the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,
1028
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:54,401
the sad moms.
1029
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,403
She has the blogging moms.
1030
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,641
She's got the CrossFit moms.
1031
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:58,721
Camel toe moms.
1032
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,400
She's got the drunk moms.
1033
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:01,720
The moms that you wanna fuck.
1034
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,325
The moms that used to be dads.
1035
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,727
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.
1036
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,121
The hairy moms.
The wearable art moms.
1037
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,725
The juicing moms.
Mmm-hmm.
1038
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:12,002
She has the moms
with the huge areolas.
1039
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,527
The black moms, the lesbian
moms, the divorced moms.
1040
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,041
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.
1041
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,770
That is a really
hard group to get.
1042
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,171
I love those girls.
1043
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,484
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.
1044
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,683
She'll put your kids in all the
dumb classes with all the dum-dums.
1045
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:30,096
She'll give 'em
the crappy teachers.
1046
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,771
You can forget about soccer, she
won't even give your kids milk.
1047
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,447
But that's all the more reason
we have to bring her down.
1048
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,488
I mean, you guys, she's a bully!
1049
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,450
Okay, she wants us all to be
these perfect little Nazi-moms
1050
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,683
and our kids to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.
1051
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:48,685
My daughter gets a new rash
every week, and she's 12.
1052
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,046
You had me at Nazi.
1053
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,286
I say we go punch that
chick right in the tits.
1054
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,600
Yes!
1055
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,200
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!
1056
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,561
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.
1057
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,047
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?
1058
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,491
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.
1059
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,881
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.
1060
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,001
PTA president.
1061
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,043
No! No, thank you!
Take it!
1062
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,043
Okay!
Great!
1063
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,046
I'll fuck your husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!
1064
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,241
Vote for Amy!
1065
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:22,401
Carla, get her!
1066
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,009
Hey! Hey!
1067
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,321
Don't you fuckin' run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...
1068
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,686
Ah!
1069
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,886
It's so cute.
1070
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,376
So, how many people
do you think are coming
1071
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,686
to the Meet the Candidate Night?
1072
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:40,489
Well, I told all the
moms that I would
1073
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,847
bang their husbands if
they didn't show up, so...
1074
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,082
Carla.
A lot. My answer is a lot.
1075
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:46,606
Thank you, Kiki.
1076
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:50,688
Oh, Jesus, you guys,
look at the kids.
1077
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,683
My daughter won't stop studying.
1078
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,761
Oh, feel lucky.
1079
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,891
All my kid wants to do with
books is rip 'em in half.
1080
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,048
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?
1081
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,887
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,
1082
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,804
is you don't know whether or
not you're doing a good job
1083
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,211
until they're fully grown.
1084
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,123
And by that point,
it's too late.
1085
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:12,163
Your kid
is either a nice guy
1086
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:14,607
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.
1087
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:16,480
I don't think those
are the only two options.
1088
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,361
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box
1089
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,886
and he called me a dumb bitch.
1090
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,564
Oh, my God.
Okay.
1091
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,486
My kid still watches Sesame
Street and he doesn't get it.
1092
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,443
My daughter's
scared of balloons.
1093
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,485
My kid eats
butter like an entr�e.
1094
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,250
You gonna eat your butter?
1095
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,016
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.
1096
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:42,884
My son failed study hall.
1097
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,803
Claire killed
our neighbor's ferret.
1098
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:48,089
I mean, we all pretended like it
was an accident, but it wasn't.
1099
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,491
She's a killer.
1100
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,481
Ugh.
1101
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,567
I know we make fun of them, but
fuck, I love them so much.
1102
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:00,641
Me too.
1103
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,321
I would literally
die for them right now.
1104
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:04,965
Oh, you're making me cry.
1105
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,168
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,
1106
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,402
YOU guys,
children are such a gift.
1107
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,045
Every time I think
about that big,
1108
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,043
dumb motherfucker
going off to college,
1109
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,531
I wanna cry like a baby.
1110
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,441
This sucks.
1111
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:27,960
I can't believe
you're making me cook
1112
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,929
my own breakfast
every single day.
1113
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:33,131
You're doing awesome, buddy.
You really are.
1114
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,169
Hey, so where's
my science project?
1115
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,125
Oh, I didn't do it.
1116
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,531
What? But it's due today.
1117
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,523
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so unfair!
1118
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,369
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.
1119
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,976
But you're gonna
actually have to start
1120
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,490
doing your own
homework from now on.
1121
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,648
I am a slow learner, remember?
1122
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:52,008
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.
1123
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,080
Honey, do you know
what "entitled" means?
1124
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,808
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.
1125
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,129
It means that Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,
1126
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:06,164
and now you think the
world owes you something,
1127
00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:08,083
but it doesn't.
1128
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,322
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,
1129
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,688
then you're just gonna grow up to
be like another entitled white dude
1130
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,127
who thinks he's awesome
for no reason.
1131
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,168
And then you'll start
a ska band,
1132
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,528
and it'll be awful, and
you'll be mean to girls,
1133
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,207
and you'll grow this ironic
mustache to look interesting,
1134
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,329
but you won't actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.
1135
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:32,724
So will you please, please,
just do your own homework?
1136
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,844
Fine. Jesus!
1137
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:37,001
Great.
1138
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:43,011
I love you.
1139
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,530
So where are your kids tonight?
1140
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,096
Oh, they're staying
at a friend's house.
1141
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:51,884
I gave my kid $10
and a cell phone
1142
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,216
and I dropped him off at Arby's.
1143
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,765
He'll be fine for hours.
1144
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:57,856
Somebody's here.
1145
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,086
- Amy for president!
- Yes!
1146
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,322
Hi. Nice to meet you.
1147
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,609
Thank you so much for coming.
1148
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,644
I didn't want her
to bang my husband.
1149
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,045
No, she was just kidding.
1150
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,241
Oh.
1151
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,970
I wasn't kidding.
1152
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:16,961
Ugh.
1153
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,642
Come in, come in. I'm
sorry, nobody's here yet.
1154
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,129
Yeah, well, I figured, what with Gwendolyn's
party and everything.
1155
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,328
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1156
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,803
Oh, nuts.
1157
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,241
You didn't know.
1158
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,086
Gwendolyn decided to throw a
competing party at her house.
1159
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,640
And she has Martha Stewart.
1160
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,161
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?
1161
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:41,976
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,
1162
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,570
but I have to tell you,
I just love you.
1163
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,086
I've always wanted
to be you, actually.
1164
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,207
Yes.
Oh.
1165
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:48,931
Martha, sweetheart.
Hi, hi.
1166
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:52,083
Everything looks so beautiful.
1167
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:54,766
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?
1168
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,411
It's been nice talking to you,
Martha, but I have things to do.
1169
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,601
Stop talking to her.
Okay.
1170
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,365
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?
1171
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,761
- Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.
- Shh.
1172
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,491
Listen, the program is gonna
begin in about five minutes,
1173
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,608
so take your
assigned seats, okay?
1174
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,725
Right now. Do it right now.
1175
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:12,844
I can't believe
Gwendolyn would do this.
1176
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:14,485
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
1177
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,324
You guys, what are we gonna
do with all this shitty wine?
1178
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,762
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys
1179
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:24,326
about the advantages
of year-round school.
1180
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,961
We need to change
our children's future
1181
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,523
by making them go to
school 365 days a year.
1182
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,646
Three, two, one, go!
1183
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:37,801
Catfish!
1184
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:38,881
Did she say it?
1185
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:40,016
Drink again! Drink
again, drink again!
1186
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,536
Why am I the one
that's always drinking?
1187
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,130
Because you said the clue word.
1188
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,406
That's when
you say it.
1189
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:45,680
I don't understand this game.
1190
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,563
It's not a reading game!
1191
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,727
Okay, go.
1192
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:50,484
- Amy.
- What?
1193
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:52,722
No, Amy!
Emu!
1194
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,490
It said fuckin' "emu"!
1195
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,564
You're not good at this.
1196
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,847
Drink!
Drink again!
1197
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,927
I'm gonna take you
back a little bit.
1198
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:05,006
Genghis Khan.
1199
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,969
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?
1200
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:09,005
I think not.
1201
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:10,844
Skip forward a little bit.
1202
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,490
Osama bin Laden.
1203
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,200
He
didn't have year-round school.
1204
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,456
There's
nothing more dangerous
1205
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:19,562
than summer vacation.
1206
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,640
- Okay, ladies?
- Yeah, let's go.
1207
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,364
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.
1208
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,570
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1209
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:32,321
Ooh.
1210
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,736
Are you sure you can't
stay a little bit longer?
1211
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,364
Oh. I've only got my
sitter until 9:00.
1212
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,124
So I have to
skedaddle right now.
1213
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:43,531
Okay. No, I understand.
I'm a mom.
1214
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,416
I had such a great night.
Bye!
1215
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:46,680
We'll see you
over there.
1216
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,281
Well, that ended a lot
earlier than I anticipated.
1217
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,361
Yeah.
1218
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,616
You don't think
they're all going over
1219
00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:54,768
to Amy's party, do you?
1220
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,446
Vicky, we had Martha fuckin'
Stewart here tonight.
1221
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,010
Who does Amy have, hmm?
1222
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,536
I'll drive. She could
have a point, yeah.
1223
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:07,405
This party is raging.
1224
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:08,606
What a turnout.
1225
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:11,486
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?
1226
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,131
Is that...
Is that...
1227
00:57:14,240 --> 00:57:15,651
Martha Stewart?
1228
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,171
- Thank you.
- Martha.
1229
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:18,891
- Oh, my God.
- Good, right?
1230
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,405
I'm cumming.
1231
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,721
Oh, my God.
What's in this?
1232
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,565
Well, it's bespoke
lingonberry gelatin...
1233
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,642
Mmm.
And a shitload of vodka.
1234
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,321
They're delicious.
1235
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,607
I start my day
with six of these.
1236
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,482
Drink! Drink!
1237
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,291
Drink! Drink! Drink!
1238
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,680
Whoo!
1239
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:40,241
Whoo!
1240
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,090
Holy shit.
1241
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:24,209
Is that Jennifer Noonan
peeing behind that car?
1242
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:25,520
Oh, my goodness.
1243
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,762
This party
looks awesome!
1244
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:29,446
I need to go to this party.
1245
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:30,646
What? Vicky!
Whoo!
1246
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,687
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.
1247
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:37,287
I know it's a school night, so we're
just gonna get right down to it.
1248
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,962
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...
1249
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,961
Amy Mitchell!
1250
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:50,970
Yes!
1251
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,240
First of all,
I just wanna say this,
1252
00:59:56,320 --> 01:00:00,803
that I think that we, as
moms, do way too much stuff.
1253
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:06,645
And if I'm elected, I promise
you we are gonna do way less.
1254
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:07,881
Whoo!
1255
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,289
Right? Less PTA meetings, less
luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,
1256
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:14,442
just less bullshit!
1257
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,286
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1258
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,256
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.
1259
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:23,682
Come on, now, school starts
way too fucking early, okay?
1260
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,360
God, and they have
way too much homework.
1261
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,456
I mean, our kids
don't even have time
1262
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,970
to be kids anymore, am I right?
1263
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,687
And what is up with these five
standardized tests a week?
1264
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,929
We should not be teaching our
kids how to be good test-takers.
1265
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,731
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!
1266
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,602
What is a standardized test?
1267
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:46,287
So, if you're a mom who's
overworked, overstressed,
1268
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:50,206
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...
1269
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:51,681
Yes!
1270
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,965
Then just vote for me.
1271
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,922
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!
1272
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:05,644
This basic bitch right here,
1273
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:07,085
she's gonna win the election.
1274
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:09,210
No, she's not.
1275
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,846
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.
1276
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,563
You're gonna punch her
in the vagina?
1277
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,484
I literally don't know why we
hang out with you anymore.
1278
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,886
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?
1279
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,406
They end at exactly
11:00.
1280
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,246
I made out with
so many women tonight.
1281
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,528
- I know.
- Guys...
1282
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,561
I really like whippets.
1283
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:43,921
Hello?
1284
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:48,090
Wow. Hey.
1285
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:50,845
What are you doing here?
1286
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,324
Well, you kind of
booty texted me.
1287
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:56,721
Uh...
1288
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,369
What? It was a great party, Am.
So, uh...
1289
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,091
Okay. You got all this, right?
1290
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:04,083
Hi, Jessie. I really
like your clothes.
1291
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,446
That was odd.
1292
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:08,280
I'm so sorry.
1293
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:10,561
Um...
1294
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:15,884
I actually think Carla may have
booty texted you off my phone.
1295
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,327
Oh, okay.
Okay, that makes sense
1296
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:21,529
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.
1297
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,523
Sorry-it's okay-
1298
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,964
Um, I don't know.
1299
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:28,441
Should I leave?
1300
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:31,881
No.
1301
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:37,000
Uh...
1302
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,528
I was really
hoping you'd say that.
1303
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,724
So what exactly
did Carla text you?
1304
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:55,160
Why don't I show you?
1305
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:56,640
on.
1306
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,447
Okay-
1307
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,565
Oh, yes!
1308
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,685
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1309
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,005
Oh, that was...
1310
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,849
Unbelievable.
I can't...
1311
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:25,761
What was that...
Wow.
1312
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:27,285
That thing you did at the end?
1313
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,204
I don't know.
1314
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,442
I kind of came up
with it in the moment.
1315
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:32,567
Was it okay?
1316
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,364
Oh, my God, it was amazing!
Yeah?
1317
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:36,926
That was by far the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.
1318
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,451
Oh, I was so worried.
1319
01:03:38,520 --> 01:03:40,400
You know, it's been awhile
since I've done this.
1320
01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:42,603
I think I got pregnant.
1321
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,251
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.
1322
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,250
Hi, yeah. Can I go
down on you again?
1323
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,443
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
1324
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:51,646
Cool.
Okay.
1325
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,529
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.
1326
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,569
Okay.
All right.
1327
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:56,681
Oh.
Mmm.
1328
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,043
on.
1329
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,884
Oh, look at you go.
1330
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,050
God,
it's dark in here.
1331
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,564
God. I still don't
understand what we're doing.
1332
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:15,246
Stop it. You guys never
tell me what we're...
1333
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,922
Vicky, why are
you so fuckin' stupid?
1334
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:30,927
I like to start by saying that
every marriage is savable.
1335
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,361
You just need two people who
are willing to work at it.
1336
01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:34,761
Okay?
1337
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,090
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other
1338
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:41,926
and say three things that
you like about each other.
1339
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,041
Mike?
1340
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,044
Can I go second?
Okay. Yeah, sure.
1341
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,930
Uh, Amy?
1342
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,768
Okay, uh, Mike, l like that
you gave me my children.
1343
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,680
Uh, I like that you pick them
up from school sometimes.
1344
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,127
It's actually really helpful.
1345
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:04,725
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.
1346
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,448
- Okay, Mike. Your turn.
- Okay.
1347
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400
I like your spaghetti.
1348
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,848
And you make
pretty good calzone.
1349
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:16,961
Was that three?
1350
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,921
That was like one and then 1A.
1351
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,801
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.
1352
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,927
All right, Amy, I want you
to pretend to be Mike,
1353
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:32,723
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.
1354
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,248
Okay? And now
I just want you to
1355
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,687
just tell me about your day.
1356
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,211
Hi, I'm Amy.
1357
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,805
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face
1358
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:49,403
and talk, talk, talk, talk.
1359
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,606
Okay. Uh...
1360
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,608
Amy, would you like to...
Yes, I would!
1361
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:57,884
Hey, I'm Mike.
1362
01:05:58,320 --> 01:05:59,321
Um...
1363
01:05:59,440 --> 01:06:00,885
My life is awesome
1364
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:04,169
because my wife takes care of
everything in the world for me.
1365
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,282
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!
1366
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,930
She's a perfectionist.
1367
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,256
So what's the point
of even trying, okay?
1368
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:10,327
How is that a problem?
1369
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,925
And she hasn't given me a blowie
1370
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,604
since my birthday
five years ago!
1371
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,536
Are you fucking kidding me?
Which is so not cool!
1372
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:16,800
Hold on one second!
1373
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,166
You want a blowie?
1374
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,289
Maybe if you cleaned the
kitchen, made the kids dinner,
1375
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:23,761
cared for someone
other than yourself,
1376
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:25,016
I would give you so many blowies
1377
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,451
your fuckin' dick would explode.
1378
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,656
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.
1379
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:31,570
Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.
1380
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,641
I'm...
1381
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,885
Mike, I...
1382
01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:36,450
I don't love you anymore.
1383
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,046
I'm so sorry, but I just don't.
1384
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:41,686
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.
1385
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:46,561
That is exactly how I feel.
1386
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,361
Okay......
1387
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:58,250
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?
1388
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,328
Well, it ain't gonna
happen for you guys.
1389
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:05,404
So what do you
think we should do?
1390
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,242
Well, as a therapist, I'm not
allowed to tell you what to do,
1391
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:13,684
but as a human being with two
fuckin' eyes in my head,
1392
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,930
yeah, I think you should get
divorced as soon as possible.
1393
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,524
This is some catastrophic shit.
1394
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:45,645
I think it's for the best.
1395
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:47,606
Yeah. Me too.
1396
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:52,441
Can I give you a hug?
1397
01:07:56,600 --> 01:07:59,809
Mike. I'm so sorry.
1398
01:08:02,520 --> 01:08:03,806
I'm sorry, too.
1399
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:05,321
Mmm.
1400
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,296
You gotta watch
out for you first.
1401
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,290
Dale, why is there a
security guard in my office?
1402
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,851
Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,
1403
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,491
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.
1404
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,050
Are you firing me?
1405
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:23,203
Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.
I don't like that word.
1406
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:24,321
But, yes, I'm firing you.
1407
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:25,441
Why?
1408
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,284
Well, you quit
coming to the office.
1409
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:30,489
Okay, maybe I've been slacking
off a little bit, but...
1410
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,324
Tessa took two weeks off when Jon
Snow died on Game of Thrones,
1411
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:35,496
and he's not even a real person.
1412
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,126
To be fair, we all took two
weeks off when Jon Snow died.
1413
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,320
You're the only person that
didn't take two weeks off.
1414
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,206
But as a token of appreciation
1415
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,680
for your six years
with the company,
1416
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,609
l got you a very special gift.
1417
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:50,205
You got me
the four-ounce bag?
1418
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:51,964
Couldn't even
splurge for the eight?
1419
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,401
What?
1420
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,376
Ms-Mitchell, this is
Principal Burr. We need you to come in.
1421
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,323
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,
1422
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:12,165
and I'm very sorry, Principal,
for how I answered the phone.
1423
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:17,010
I'm sorry.
You found what?
1424
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:20,289
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.
1425
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:23,011
Now, it looks like Sour Diesel
or a little Afghan Kush.
1426
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,242
That's impossible.
She's only 12.
1427
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,045
It happens. Snoop been
smokin' since he was five.
1428
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,321
Those aren't mine.
1429
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,323
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.
1430
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,640
Baby, I believe you.
1431
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,722
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?
1432
01:09:34,840 --> 01:09:38,003
We were tipped off
by a concerned parent.
1433
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,329
Wait a minute.
1434
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,846
Was this concerned parent's
name Gwendolyn James?
1435
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,216
Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'
about Gwendolyn James, all right?
1436
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:46,287
That woman scares me.
1437
01:09:46,360 --> 01:09:49,842
What I do know is this school
is a zero-tolerance school,
1438
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,216
so that means that
your daughter's banned
1439
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,890
from all extra-curricular
activities.
1440
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,161
What does that mean?
1441
01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:55,765
That means you're
off the soccer team.
1442
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:57,126
What?
1443
01:09:58,200 --> 01:10:00,282
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.
1444
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:03,080
Honey, baby, hold on.
1445
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,967
That little girl
rolls a real tight jay.
1446
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:09,690
This is all your fault.
1447
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,444
Why did you mess
with Gwendolyn James?
1448
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,324
Sweetie,
I am so sorry.
1449
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,289
Honey, please,
I didn't mean for this.
1450
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,204
Yes, you did mean to, Mom!
1451
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:20,365
You were sick of
being a mom, so you quit
1452
01:10:20,440 --> 01:10:21,805
and you started partying
1453
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,848
with your weird, new friends,
1454
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,048
and blowing off work,
and, oh, yeah,
1455
01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,249
having sex with
Lori Harkness' dad.
1456
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,761
So gross!
1457
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:32,969
Honey, I know that you're mad.
1458
01:10:33,080 --> 01:10:35,367
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.
1459
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,603
You are so selfish and
it frigging sucks, okay?
1460
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,690
Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,
how can I make this better?
1461
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,922
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.
1462
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:45,490
Even he's a better
parent than you.
1463
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:55,526
Oh, my God.
1464
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:59,051
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?
1465
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,203
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.
1466
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:03,970
What? No way!
Yeah.
1467
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:07,245
Look, lam not blaming Amy Mitchell.
I mean, my God, I would never...
1468
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,687
Of course... ever
judge another mother,
1469
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,087
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,
1470
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:16,563
do we want someone who is that
reckless and irresponsible
1471
01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,328
and mentally unhinged alcoholic
to be president of the PTA?
1472
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:23,407
I don't know.
1473
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,848
You know what? I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.
1474
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,689
Oh, God.
Foreigners.
1475
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:30,808
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray
1476
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,089
that Amy's little crackhead
daughter gets the help she needs.
1477
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,485
Mike, if Janey needs anything,
1478
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:42,767
and I mean anything,
just please call me.
1479
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,127
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.
1480
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,851
They got an indoor-outdoor
pool, room service,
1481
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:49,016
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.
1482
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:50,883
You're staying at the Waldorf?
1483
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,725
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.
1484
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,325
It's a safe hotel.
1485
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,370
Wait, bye, angel! Have
so much fun with Daddy!
1486
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:00,850
Can I get a hug?
1487
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,965
No? Okay. Okay.
1488
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,927
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?
1489
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,321
Dylan, you know
the hotel has TVs.
1490
01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:13,209
You don't have
to bring your own.
1491
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,643
Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.
1492
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,246
Oh, the Waldorf�s
dog-friendly, so don't worry.
1493
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,691
Yeah. So.
1494
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:24,410
Mike, please go.
Yeah.
1495
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,366
Bye, kids.
1496
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:08,370
Welcome to
the annual PTA election.
1497
01:14:13,320 --> 01:14:15,926
We will start with
the candidates' statements,
1498
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,480
and since only one
bothered to show up,
1499
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:20,491
she will go first.
1500
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,325
Gwendolyn,
you have five minutes.
1501
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:28,162
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.
1502
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,807
God, this movie's depressing.
1503
01:14:38,320 --> 01:14:39,656
Amy!
Amy, I'm sorry we're late.
1504
01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:41,011
Oh, my God!
It's Kiki's fault.
1505
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:42,176
Sorry we're late, honey.
So sorry.
1506
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,247
I had to pee.
1507
01:14:43,360 --> 01:14:44,536
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?
1508
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,641
What's going on?
1509
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,051
What are you talking about?
1510
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,243
What are you...
It's the PTA election.
1511
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,204
Oh, my God, no. Sorry,
I'm not going to that.
1512
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:53,731
What? Why not?
1513
01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:55,450
Oh, I don't know.
1514
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,286
Maybe because my husband
left me, my kids left me.
1515
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:01,203
My fucking dog left me.
1516
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:03,448
All the moms in school hate me,
1517
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:07,849
and I am a complete and
utter failure as a mother.
1518
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,127
First of all, you are so
not a failure as a mother.
1519
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,965
In fact, you're the best
mother that we've ever seen.
1520
01:15:13,040 --> 01:15:14,041
True that.
1521
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,128
You give your kids salad.
1522
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,242
You remember your
kids' birthdays.
1523
01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,927
I mean, I sat here
and watched you wait
1524
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,606
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.
1525
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:26,251
Most moms do that, Carla.
1526
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:28,056
That's most moms, yeah.
1527
01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,721
Well, whatever. This is the worst
thing I've ever seen you do.
1528
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:32,961
You've quit trying.
1529
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,570
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!
1530
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:38,001
No! Quitting
is for dads!
1531
01:15:38,080 --> 01:15:39,081
Uh...
1532
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,081
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,
1533
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:43,241
us moms, we have to just...
1534
01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:45,770
We have to just keep going.
Mmm-hmm.
1535
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,371
And do you know why?
1536
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:49,244
Because we have
low self-esteem.
1537
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,169
No. No, no.
1538
01:15:51,920 --> 01:15:54,048
It's because we love our kids.
1539
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:55,400
It's because we love our stupid,
1540
01:15:55,440 --> 01:15:57,841
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!
1541
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:58,920
That's why.
1542
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:01,691
We love 'em so much
that we would do...
1543
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:03,885
Literally anything for them.
1544
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:06,409
You guys,
I can't win the election.
1545
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,481
Oh, my God!
Amy!
1546
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:09,164
Amy! This is not
about the election.
1547
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,241
Amy, sit up.
1548
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:12,004
This is about
standing up to the bitch
1549
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:13,809
that hurt your little girl!
1550
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:18,085
Now, are you gonna sit here and let
Gwendolyn get away with this shit?
1551
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:19,924
Don't do it, Amy.
Fuck that!
1552
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:21,240
Fuck it!
1553
01:16:21,680 --> 01:16:25,890
You are gonna rise up like a
small, little white Apollo Creed
1554
01:16:26,560 --> 01:16:28,841
and you are gonna look at
Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,
1555
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,576
"You can do what you want
to me, I don't care,
1556
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:31,647
"throw it at me,
1557
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:34,001
"but you fucked
with my daughter,
1558
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,531
"and now I have to fight you.
1559
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,642
"I will fight you
in the playground.
1560
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,802
"I will fight you
in the cafeteria.
1561
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:45,486
"I will even fight you in the
parking lot of Trader Joe's.
1562
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,491
"But I will have justice
for my little girl,
1563
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,564
"because I am a fucking mom.
1564
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,169
"And we protect
our young."
1565
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:02,927
So get up off this couch,
1566
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:05,970
turn off 12 Years a Slave
1567
01:17:06,040 --> 01:17:08,042
and let's body slam this bitch.
1568
01:17:11,560 --> 01:17:13,608
Come on, Amy. Come on,
1569
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:14,966
get those tits up.
1570
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:16,690
Get 'em up.
Get 'em up.
1571
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,569
Get your boobs up.
Get those tits right up.
1572
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,762
I'm gonna get my tits up.
Get your tits up!
1573
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:22,536
They're getting up, you guys.
They're getting UP-
1574
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:24,176
I can see it. Guys, my
tits are gettin' up.
1575
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,282
They're getting up. They're getting up.
That's it.
1576
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:27,805
They are up!
1577
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:39,045
Go, go, go, go!
1578
01:17:45,080 --> 01:17:46,081
Oh, my God.
1579
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,766
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.
1580
01:17:54,840 --> 01:17:56,524
This is a one-way street!
1581
01:17:58,360 --> 01:17:59,486
Move out of the way!
1582
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:02,689
We're on our way to a PTA
meeting, motherfuckers!
1583
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,120
Oh, my God, there's a truck!
1584
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,323
Truck! Truck! Truck!
Oh, my God!
1585
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:12,366
Oh, my God.
1586
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,406
Oh, shit. Oh, fun.
Kent is calling.
1587
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,240
- Hi, honey.
- Kiki.
1588
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,649
The kids are going insane.
1589
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,882
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.
1590
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,164
But I can't come home.
1591
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,971
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.
1592
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:30,247
No, no, no, no. I said
come home now, damn it!
1593
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:34,841
And I said,
1594
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:38,845
"I'm going to the fucking PTA
meeting with my fucking friends,"
1595
01:18:38,920 --> 01:18:41,890
so stop being such a goddamn
pussy and make it work!
1596
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,891
Kiki. Kiki...
1597
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:49,686
That was very exciting.
1598
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,576
How good did that feel?
That felt good, didn't it?
1599
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:53,443
It's very exciting!
Yes!
1600
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,562
It's very exciting!
1601
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,204
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others
1602
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,169
that I laid out for you today
1603
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,766
that I humbly ask for your vote.
1604
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,283
All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.
1605
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,647
Uh, well...
Sorry I'm late!
1606
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:20,084
Actually, you're just in time to
give your candidate statement.
1607
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,366
What's a candidate statement?
1608
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:22,816
Oh, I think
that's like a speech.
1609
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:25,096
You got one of those, right, honey?
What are you talking about?
1610
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,407
- You don't have a speech?
- Of course not!
1611
01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:28,641
It's all good.
1612
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,040
She's got a great speech.
1613
01:19:31,400 --> 01:19:33,448
I'm not good at
this public speaking.
1614
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,485
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.
1615
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:43,841
Okay-
1616
01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:49,328
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1617
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:50,765
Introduce yourself.
1618
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,445
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.
1619
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,289
Good.
1620
01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:57,885
And I'm running
for PTA president.
1621
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:02,207
You're doing great.
1622
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:04,336
Just 'cause
they're not responding
1623
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:06,010
doesn't mean they think
you're terrible.
1624
01:20:10,440 --> 01:20:11,805
You know...
1625
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,091
I know there's a lot of rumors
going around about my daughter.
1626
01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:18,920
That's a bad place to start.
1627
01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:21,771
And I'm guessing a lot of you
think that I'm a bad mom.
1628
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:22,887
Yes.
1629
01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:26,089
No, no. No, you know what?
You're right.
1630
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,285
Sometimes, I'm too
lenient with my kids.
1631
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,203
Sometimes, I'm too strict.
1632
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,964
Well, we overestimated
her, obviously.
1633
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:34,246
Sometimes, I'm so crazy
1634
01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:35,696
that I don't even
understand the words
1635
01:20:35,720 --> 01:20:37,210
that are coming out of my mouth.
1636
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:42,891
You see, what works for my daughter
almost never works for my son.
1637
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:48,327
And whenever I think I'm actually
starting to figure my kids out,
1638
01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:52,284
they grow up
and I'm back to square one.
1639
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:56,689
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,
1640
01:20:58,640 --> 01:21:00,768
I have no fucking
clue what I'm doing.
1641
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,570
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.
1642
01:21:05,680 --> 01:21:08,331
I think we're all bad
moms, and you know why?
1643
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:13,886
Because being a mom
today is impossible!
1644
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,648
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.
1645
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,848
She's doing great.
She's a natural.
1646
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,925
So can we all just please stop
pretending like we have it figured out
1647
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:28,048
and stop judging
each other for once?
1648
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:31,731
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...
1649
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:34,610
Because I want our
school to be a place
1650
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,206
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,
1651
01:21:37,280 --> 01:21:39,442
where you're being judged
on how hard you work
1652
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,171
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.
1653
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:47,521
Yeah!
Yeah!
1654
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,207
I want our school to be a place
where it's okay to be a bad mom.
1655
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:52,725
Do you know what I mean?
1656
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,971
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.
1657
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,881
That's okay! Listen, we've all been there.
1658
01:21:58,960 --> 01:22:03,682
I confiscated my son's weed and
then I smoked the shit out of it!
1659
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,684
What's your number?
1660
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:09,445
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night
1661
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:10,885
so I can watch The Voice.
1662
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,048
I can' tell my twins apart!
1663
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,248
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.
1664
01:22:17,320 --> 01:22:19,209
I drink margaritas
for breakfast.
1665
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,487
I threw my son's
violin in the garbage.
1666
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,168
Oh, honey,
we don't speak Spanish.
1667
01:22:27,240 --> 01:22:29,891
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.
1668
01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:31,360
Wait, really?
1669
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:34,970
Yeah, you do!
1670
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:36,446
I don't even have kids!
1671
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:39,000
I just come to PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.
1672
01:22:39,160 --> 01:22:40,605
Aw.
1673
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:43,841
Here's the thing.
1674
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:45,731
If you're a perfect mom
1675
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,406
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,
1676
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:51,165
well, then, you should
probably vote for Gwendolyn,
1677
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:53,368
'cause she's amazing.
1678
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,521
Yes.
1679
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:56,762
But if you're a bad mom like me
1680
01:22:56,840 --> 01:22:59,002
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,
1681
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:02,724
or you're just sick of being
judged all the time...
1682
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:06,530
Then please vote for me.
1683
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:09,320
Thank you.
1684
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:12,971
Oh, my God!
1685
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,331
Are you kidding me?
1686
01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:35,486
Yes!
1687
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,720
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1688
01:23:36,760 --> 01:23:39,525
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!
1689
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:48,881
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1690
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,646
Oh, mama.
1691
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,722
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!
1692
01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,571
I still can't believe you won.
I know!
1693
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,041
Oh, I'm so happy you guys
dragged me out of the house.
1694
01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:00,961
Oh, sweetheart, I didn't
doubt you for a second.
1695
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:03,646
Oh, God, you know,
I forgot what it was
1696
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:04,846
like to have real friends,
1697
01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:07,287
like, true friends.
1698
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:08,360
I know.
1699
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:11,688
Before you guys, my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.
1700
01:24:13,520 --> 01:24:15,124
You're pretty much
the first bitches
1701
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:17,282
to ever talk to me
at this school, so...
1702
01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,290
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.
1703
01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:21,930
Me too.
Me three.
1704
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,048
Let's hug for
a really long time.
1705
01:24:24,160 --> 01:24:26,561
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
1706
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,201
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?
1707
01:24:35,440 --> 01:24:37,249
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, honey. Sure.
1708
01:24:37,320 --> 01:24:38,526
Okay.
Sure, take a minute.
1709
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:39,886
Digest it.
Thanks.
1710
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,320
What, did you come
to gloat?
1711
01:24:56,360 --> 01:24:58,647
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.
1712
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,604
I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
1713
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,564
Okay. l don't wanna bother you.
No, I'm good.
1714
01:25:04,640 --> 01:25:06,483
It's just that the PTA
1715
01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:10,643
was the only good thing in my
life and now I've lost that, too.
1716
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,527
Come on, Gwendolyn,
your life is awesome.
1717
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:16,487
You have, like, three boats.
1718
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:19,006
I have four boats.
Okay.
1719
01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:24,248
But, no...
My life is so not awesome.
1720
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,242
Gwendolyn, what could
possibly be wrong?
1721
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:28,321
Oh, God.
1722
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:30,690
Okay, well,
1723
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,249
for starters...
1724
01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,085
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling
1725
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,481
$100 million from
a children's charity.
1726
01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:41,921
And I have night terrors.
1727
01:25:42,000 --> 01:25:46,050
And I have to take Vicodin every 20
minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.
1728
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,528
I'm just addicted to them now.
1729
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:49,816
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law
1730
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:52,241
just joined ISIS,
and he's a Jew!
1731
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:56,885
Oh, and also, my DVR just
stopped recording Castle-
1732
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,246
Just out of nowhere.
1733
01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:01,210
Like, how the fuck
does that even happen?
1734
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,851
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,
1735
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,641
so, yeah, it's awesome.
1736
01:26:08,720 --> 01:26:10,051
It's just awesome.
1737
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:11,361
Wow.
1738
01:26:11,440 --> 01:26:14,410
I had no idea.
Yeah.
1739
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:18,250
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.
1740
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,286
HG'! �
1741
01:26:25,360 --> 01:26:27,966
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.
1742
01:26:28,640 --> 01:26:31,849
I promise you I will get her back
on the soccer team, all right?
1743
01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,410
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.
1744
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:39,884
Yeah.
Even for me.
1745
01:26:40,440 --> 01:26:42,681
Listen, we're all
bad moms, right?
1746
01:26:42,800 --> 01:26:43,881
Yeah.
1747
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:46,840
That was literally the only
thing you said tonight
1748
01:26:46,880 --> 01:26:48,211
that made any fuckin' sense.
1749
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,161
Bye.
1750
01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,367
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?
1751
01:27:12,440 --> 01:27:13,566
Yeah.
1752
01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:17,361
Look, I just wanna say
1753
01:27:17,440 --> 01:27:19,488
I'm really sorry for how
I've been acting lately.
1754
01:27:19,600 --> 01:27:22,251
Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's
just menopause, right?
1755
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,488
No.
It's not menopause.
1756
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:26,642
And I'm sorry
for acting so crazy
1757
01:27:26,760 --> 01:27:27,920
about the whole soccer thing.
1758
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,642
I'm really trying
to chill out more.
1759
01:27:30,720 --> 01:27:32,848
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?
1760
01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:35,050
I got you back on
the soccer team.
1761
01:27:35,120 --> 01:27:36,849
Shut up!
Shut up.
1762
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:39,048
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.
1763
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:40,531
Thank you so much, Mom.
1764
01:27:41,440 --> 01:27:42,930
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.
1765
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:45,841
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.
1766
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:47,490
You're amazing kids.
1767
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:51,289
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.
1768
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,201
Oh.
1769
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:54,926
My babies.
1770
01:27:55,040 --> 01:27:56,041
on...
1771
01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,645
I almost forgot!
Where is he going?
1772
01:27:58,440 --> 01:27:59,646
Why is he touching the oven?
1773
01:28:02,640 --> 01:28:04,210
I made a frittata.
1774
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:08,401
Did you just say "frittata"?
1775
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:10,056
You said you weren't gonna
cook for us anymore,
1776
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:11,809
so I taught myself how to cook.
1777
01:28:12,800 --> 01:28:16,282
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.
1778
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,169
I love you. Okay, okay,
all right, all right.
1779
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:19,651
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay-
1780
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,721
All right, okay, let go.
1781
01:28:20,840 --> 01:28:22,604
Okay. I gotta go do my homework.
1782
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,600
Who are you?
1783
01:28:28,920 --> 01:28:30,684
I said, "You're holding back"
1784
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:33,366
She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!"
1785
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:36,011
This woman is my destiny
1786
01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:40,888
She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me!"
1787
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:45,960
Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.
1788
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,444
Hello, this is Amy.
1789
01:28:48,520 --> 01:28:49,646
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.
1790
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,880
The company is falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?
1791
01:28:52,960 --> 01:28:54,769
I will give you
whatever you want.
1792
01:28:55,240 --> 01:28:56,924
Whatever?
Whatever I want?
1793
01:28:57,000 --> 01:28:58,411
Yes! Yes! Anything.
1794
01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:03,084
Okay, um, well,
I wanna double my pay.
1795
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:07,606
I wanna work from
home two days a week.
1796
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,329
Oh, and l wanna hire three
women over the age of 12
1797
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:13,765
to fill out my team.
1798
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:16,207
Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want.
Can you start today?
1799
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:18,169
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.
1800
01:29:18,240 --> 01:29:20,561
I'll start sometime next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
1801
01:29:33,960 --> 01:29:35,041
Come here.
Love you.
1802
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:37,056
Great day at school.
Love you, Mom.
1803
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,401
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?
1804
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:40,925
Okay.
Be amazing. Be awesome.
1805
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:42,921
Love you!
1806
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:49,611
When did they get so big?
1807
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:51,846
I don't know.
1808
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:57,000
Hey, what would happen if
I came over Friday night,
1809
01:29:57,120 --> 01:29:58,360
brought a great bottle of wine,
1810
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:59,686
you know,
made you a nice dinner,
1811
01:29:59,760 --> 01:30:02,161
maybe ran you a hot bath and
someone just took care of you...
1812
01:30:02,240 --> 01:30:04,322
I love you.
For a change?
1813
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,970
What did you just say?
What?
1814
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,530
What was that?
I said nothing.
1815
01:30:07,600 --> 01:30:09,921
You said nothing.
I meant to say that I...
1816
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,207
God, I would love that.
I would love that.
1817
01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:13,845
Great.
Yeah.
1818
01:30:15,320 --> 01:30:16,924
I'll see you Friday.
Okay.
1819
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,891
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?
1820
01:30:28,720 --> 01:30:29,881
Hey, how's it going?
1821
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:31,928
I'm doing amazing.
1822
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,446
I slept in late, skipped my
workout, had, like, four donuts.
1823
01:30:36,520 --> 01:30:37,646
I told these kids,
1824
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,722
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."
1825
01:30:39,800 --> 01:30:42,610
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me this morning.
1826
01:30:42,960 --> 01:30:44,883
Oh.
I've never felt better.
1827
01:30:45,080 --> 01:30:46,081
Wow.
1828
01:30:46,160 --> 01:30:47,321
Yeah.
1829
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,161
Hi!
1830
01:30:57,280 --> 01:30:59,009
Did you remember
Maddie's backpack?
1831
01:31:01,160 --> 01:31:03,640
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.
1832
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:05,643
Okay, well, let's go get it, dude.
Right?
1833
01:31:06,800 --> 01:31:08,450
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.
1834
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:09,851
It's not gonna grab itself.
1835
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,846
Hey, Jackson.
1836
01:31:17,200 --> 01:31:18,611
I, uh...
1837
01:31:18,680 --> 01:31:20,728
I made you lunch today.
1838
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:22,848
It's a hummus
wrap with some kale.
1839
01:31:23,080 --> 01:31:24,081
Gross!
1840
01:31:24,160 --> 01:31:25,496
Yeah, I know, it sounds
totally disgusting,
1841
01:31:25,520 --> 01:31:28,410
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...
1842
01:31:28,480 --> 01:31:30,096
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.
1843
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:33,283
For real? I'm gonna stay
the whole stupid game.
1844
01:31:33,520 --> 01:31:34,521
Mmm-hmm.
1845
01:31:34,920 --> 01:31:36,160
Because�.
1846
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,526
I love you.
1847
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:41,886
And stuff.
1848
01:31:44,120 --> 01:31:45,121
Oh.
1849
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:02,166
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.
1850
01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,570
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?
1851
01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:06,846
What should we do today?
1852
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:08,365
How about we go to brunch?
1853
01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:09,481
Mmm.
1854
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:10,896
Oh, how about we go
to Color Me Mine
1855
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:12,331
and make each other salad bowls?
1856
01:32:12,400 --> 01:32:13,640
I love it.
Oh, I got an idea.
1857
01:32:13,720 --> 01:32:15,722
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?
1858
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,891
Hey, bitches! Get in.
1859
01:32:31,240 --> 01:32:32,446
Wait.
1860
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:36,050
Holy shit. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Is that...
1861
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:38,847
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,
1862
01:32:38,920 --> 01:32:40,922
so where do you guys
wanna go, huh?
1863
01:32:43,280 --> 01:32:45,521
You know what? Gwendolyn's
starting to grow on me, guys.
1864
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:48,000
I'm not gonna lie to you. I think
she's a really good person.
1865
01:32:48,080 --> 01:32:49,570
Come on, come on!
Very generous.
1866
01:33:05,400 --> 01:33:08,643
My role as a mother was
so hit-and-miss.
1867
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,808
I was a little looser, but
too loose in many ways.
1868
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:14,166
I would give her whiskey.
1869
01:33:16,240 --> 01:33:18,766
We left the country when
she was seven years old.
1870
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,481
My mom kept telling me that
we were moving up the street.
1871
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:24,564
And then we flew to L.A.
1872
01:33:24,640 --> 01:33:26,130
My mother's a filthy liar.
1873
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:27,720
When I went into
labor and stuff,
1874
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,489
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.
1875
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,210
I just asked for Demerol.
1876
01:33:32,680 --> 01:33:34,648
I heard someone calling my name.
1877
01:33:34,720 --> 01:33:36,165
"Please come to
the service desk."
1878
01:33:36,240 --> 01:33:37,241
I thought,
"What's that?"
1879
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:39,280
And I looked around, there
was no Kathryn.
1880
01:33:39,480 --> 01:33:41,456
She was three years old.
I was three years old.
1881
01:33:41,480 --> 01:33:44,086
I'm thinking,
oh, my God, that was bad!
1882
01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,844
When I was nine years old,
1883
01:33:46,480 --> 01:33:49,404
um, my mom took me to see
Cruising in the theaters
1884
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:52,287
because she loved Al Pacino.
I loved Al Pacino.
1885
01:33:52,360 --> 01:33:54,283
Cruising is a movie about a man
1886
01:33:54,360 --> 01:33:57,728
investigating the
underworld of S&M gay clubs
1887
01:33:58,080 --> 01:34:00,970
because there was a man murdering
men after raping them.
1888
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:02,565
Al Pacino.
1889
01:34:02,640 --> 01:34:05,007
You do stupid things as a parent
1890
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:06,576
and you're like, "Oh, they're
fine, they're fine,"
1891
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:07,880
and then you're in the hospital.
1892
01:34:07,920 --> 01:34:10,571
Yeah, of course you lie to
your kids, of course you do,
1893
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:12,688
and you go through their things.
You have to.
1894
01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,125
You go through my things?
1895
01:34:14,200 --> 01:34:16,726
Sometimes you have
to make people happy,
1896
01:34:16,800 --> 01:34:18,643
to lie a little bit.
You know?
1897
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:21,081
Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy.
1898
01:34:21,160 --> 01:34:23,128
Food out for Santa Claus.
1899
01:34:23,200 --> 01:34:24,800
You had me clean
the fireplace that year.
1900
01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,296
Yeah, well, that was
a good idea anyway.
1901
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:27,731
Like a chimney sweep.
1902
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,491
I would just be all,
you know, upset
1903
01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,206
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.
1904
01:34:33,280 --> 01:34:36,011
You know, I was so angry one
day, and I said to her,
1905
01:34:36,080 --> 01:34:38,606
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."
1906
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:40,489
You told me to fuck off.
1907
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,847
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."
1908
01:34:42,920 --> 01:34:44,696
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.
1909
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:46,643
"I don't like you, and the
dog doesn't like you."
1910
01:34:47,880 --> 01:34:49,689
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.
1911
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:53,324
I just really didn't
have a clue about...
1912
01:34:53,400 --> 01:34:55,482
You were perfect.
1913
01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:56,960
Yeah, it kind of
worked out for her.
1914
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,048
It worked out perfectly.
1915
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,565
I had the best childhood.
1916
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:02,364
I loved my childhood.
1917
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:04,124
I had a very happy childhood.
1918
01:35:04,200 --> 01:35:05,565
And we would have the best days.
1919
01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:07,896
Yeah, it was absolutely like some
of the best times of my life.
1920
01:35:07,920 --> 01:35:09,285
You were an amazing mom.
1921
01:35:09,360 --> 01:35:11,169
Which is fine.
I feel good.
1922
01:35:11,240 --> 01:35:13,322
It's nuts being a mom, guys.
1923
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:16,245
Raising kids is
an amazing experience.
1924
01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:20,450
I did some mistakes, but the
end, I can see it's not as bad.
1925
01:35:21,080 --> 01:35:23,208
They survived.
In spite of us.
1926
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,243
Now, thank goodness...
1927
01:35:25,320 --> 01:35:29,644
You know, she turned out to be
the wonderful woman that she is.
1928
01:35:29,720 --> 01:35:31,131
I think she's perfect.
1929
01:35:32,120 --> 01:35:35,681
The love that you had
when that kid was born,
1930
01:35:35,760 --> 01:35:37,808
that you didn't have...
1931
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:39,644
It is a miracle.
1932
01:35:39,720 --> 01:35:42,246
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,
1933
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,209
and I'm really
proud of just her.
1934
01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:46,041
Mom.
Yeah.
1935
01:35:46,120 --> 01:35:48,691
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.
1936
01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:50,246
Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.
1937
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:52,402
So I think she's the
best mom in the world,
1938
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:55,723
and I go, "I wish, you know,
I'd been more like that."
1939
01:35:55,800 --> 01:35:56,801
Oh.
1940
01:35:56,880 --> 01:35:58,006
I love you.
I love you, hon.
1941
01:35:58,080 --> 01:35:59,127
I love you, Mommy.
1942
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:03,601
Aw.
1943
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:05,364
You said it would
be fun, Kathryn.
1944
01:36:06,920 --> 01:36:07,967
Don't touch my makeup.
1945
01:36:08,040 --> 01:36:09,371
See this shit?