1 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:39,154 DIGITALLY RESTORED IN 2017 2 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:58,428 AUTUMN SONATA 3 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:51,578 Sometimes I stand looking at my wife 4 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,505 without her knowing I'm there. 5 00:02:56,259 --> 00:03:00,845 The first time she entered this room she said, 6 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,548 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 7 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,848 We hadn't known each other long. 8 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,521 We met at a bishops' conference in Trondheim. 9 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,600 She was there as a journalist. 10 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:19,197 I told her about the parsonage out here. 11 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:25,370 I ventured to suggest a visit when the conference was over. 12 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:31,326 On the way, I asked her to marry me. 13 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,336 She didn't answer, 14 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:39,168 but, when we entered the room, she said, 15 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,302 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 16 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:49,811 Since then we've lived a quiet, happy life at the parsonage. 17 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,723 Eva has, of course, told me about her earlier life. 18 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:59,067 After finishing school, she went on to college, 19 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:04,572 got engaged to a doctor and lived with him for several years. 20 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,534 She wrote two small books... 21 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:14,419 came down with tuberculosis, broke off the engagement 22 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,589 and moved from Oslo to a small town in the south of Norway 23 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:22,210 where she began to work as a journalist. 24 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:27,765 This is the first of her books. I like it so much. 25 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,267 She has written... 26 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,813 "One must learn to live. 27 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,563 I practice every day. 28 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:41,896 My biggest obstacle is I don't know who I am. 29 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,777 I grope blindly. 30 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:47,527 If anyone ever loves me as I am, 31 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:51,035 I may dare at last to look at myself. 32 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:57,120 For me, that possibility is fairly remote." 33 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,261 I'd like to tell her just once 34 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:10,099 that she is loved wholeheartedly... 35 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:15,647 but I can't say it in a way that she'd believe. 36 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,524 I can't find the right words. 37 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,630 I've written to Mama. Am I interrupting? 38 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:50,760 No, no. Come in. 39 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,765 - I'll turn off the radio. - I can come back later. 40 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,142 No, please read me the letter. 41 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,224 "Dearest Mama, 42 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,856 I was in town yesterday and ran into Agnes, 43 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:06,860 who was visiting her parents. 44 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,325 She told me Leonardo had died. 45 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:15,699 I know what a terrible blow this must be to you. 46 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:21,709 I was wondering if you'd like to come visit us for a few days or weeks. 47 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,880 Please don't say no right away. 48 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:29,133 The parsonage is very spacious. 49 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,556 You'll have your own room with all the conveniences. 50 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:37,262 We have a piano, and you can practice all you want to. 51 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:40,564 It would make a change from a hotel. 52 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,434 Please say you'll come. 53 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:47,772 We'll make a fuss over you and spoil you. 54 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:53,078 It's been ages since we saw each other, seven years this October. 55 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,323 Much love from Viktor and Eva." 56 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,159 - That's fine. - Are you sure? 57 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:58,468 - Mama, darling! - Eva! Well, here I am. 58 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:03,352 - I'm so glad you're here. - Yes, just imagine. 59 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:06,309 - It was a long trip. - Yes, I know. 60 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,396 It's beautiful here. 61 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:13,028 - I hope you'll stay a long time. - Indeed I will. 62 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:18,284 - I can't believe you're here. - Let's go for a nice long walk. 63 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:21,787 What heavy bags. Have you brought all your music? 64 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:25,745 - Yes, I'm staying for good. - That would be nice. 65 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,458 - You'll give me some lessons, won't you? - Yes. 66 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:32,089 - Where's Viktor? - He's not home at the moment. 67 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:35,842 We didn't think you'd arrive so early. 68 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,307 - This is your room. - It's lovely. 69 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:44,689 - And what a beautiful view. - The bathroom's here. 70 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,519 - How nice and modern. - Thank you. 71 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:54,111 - I hope one wardrobe is enough. - Everything's fine. 72 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,987 I really am very tired. 73 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,034 My back hurts. 74 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:01,368 I sat with Leonardo through his last day and night. 75 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,997 He was in bad pain. They gave him shots every two hours. 76 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:09,998 Now and then he cried because it hurt. 77 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,174 He wasn't afraid of dying. 78 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:17,597 Outside the hospital, they were drilling and hammering. 79 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:22,677 The sun was blazing down, and there were no awnings. 80 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:28,395 We tried to get another room, but many wards were closed for repairs. 81 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:33,108 Towards evening the noise stopped and I could open the window. 82 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:38,318 The heat outside was like a wall, and not a breath of wind. 83 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,162 In the evening the doctor came. 84 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,831 He's an old friend. 85 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:49,120 He said it wouldn't be long. 86 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:53,124 Leonardo would get a shot every half hour 87 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,835 so he could die without pain. 88 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,426 Then the doctor left and the ward nurse came in. 89 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,427 She said I should eat, but I wasn't hungry. 90 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,101 The smell was making me sick. 91 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,485 Leonardo dozed off... 92 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:19,609 then woke up and asked me to leave the room. 93 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:25,164 He called the night nurse, and she came in with a shot. 94 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:31,455 A minute or two later, she came out and said... 95 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,461 Leonardo was dead. 96 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,639 I sat with him all night. 97 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,852 He had been my friend for 18 years. 98 00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:51,933 We had lived together for 13 and had never had an angry word. 99 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:57,362 For two years, he had known he was ill, and there was no hope. 100 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:02,444 As often as I could, I went to see him at his villa near Naples. 101 00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:09,909 He was kind and thoughtful and happy about my success. 102 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:15,165 We talked and joked and played chamber music. 103 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:21,804 He hardly ever spoke of his illness, and he wouldn't have liked me to ask. 104 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,757 One day he gave me a long look... 105 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,053 then laughed and said... 106 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:15,517 "This time next year I'll be gone... 107 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,277 but I'll always be with you. 108 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,068 I'll always be thinking of you." 109 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:31,078 It was sweet of him to say so, but he was apt to be rather theatrical. 110 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,910 I can't say I go around grieving. 111 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,423 Of course he left a gap, but it's no good fretting. 112 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,593 Do you think I've changed much? 113 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,716 You're just the same. 114 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,889 I dye my hair of course. 115 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,855 Leonardo doesn't like gray hair. Otherwise I'm the same, don't you think? 116 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,053 I bought this outfit in Zurich. 117 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,388 I wanted something comfortable for the trip. 118 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:58,522 I saw it in a window, went in, tried it on, and it fit perfectly. 119 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,523 It was so cheap. 120 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,730 - Don't you think it's nice? - Yes, very. 121 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:06,909 Will you help me with this case? My back's giving me hell. 122 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,529 Do you have a board to put under the mattress? 123 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,080 I need a hard surface. 124 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,910 - We put one there yesterday. - Wonderful. 125 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,499 Eva, dear, what is it? 126 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,753 Did I say something wrong? 127 00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,881 I'm just so glad to see you. 128 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:29,639 Give me a nice big hug, like you used to when you were little. 129 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:34,645 I've done nothing but talk about myself. 130 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,973 Tell me about you. 131 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:40,685 - How are things? - Oh, fine. 132 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:44,271 Do you lead a very isolated life? 133 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:47,324 No, we have our parish work. 134 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,493 Yes, of course. 135 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,741 I often play the organ. 136 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,665 Last month I had a musical evening. 137 00:13:54,751 --> 00:14:00,088 I played and talked about each piece. 138 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:04,213 - I hope you'll play for me. - I'd love to. 139 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:08,012 I gave five school concerts in Los Angeles. 140 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,759 3,000 children each time. 141 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,057 I played and talked to them. 142 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,432 I was a huge success. 143 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,888 There's something I have to tell you. 144 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,770 Helena is here. 145 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,369 You should have told me. 146 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:37,291 If I had, you wouldn't have come. 147 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,619 I'm sure I would have. 148 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,624 And I'm sure you wouldn't have. 149 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,665 Isn't Leonardo's death enough? 150 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:48,089 Why drag poor Lena here too? 151 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:51,388 She's been here for the last two years. 152 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:56,260 Viktor and I asked her if she'd like to live with us. 153 00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:01,641 - I wrote to tell you. - I never got the letter. 154 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,226 Or else you never bothered to read it. 155 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:09,148 - Aren't you being rather unfair? - Yes. I'm sorry. 156 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:15,078 I'm not up to seeing her. At any rate, not today. 157 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:20,292 Helena is a wonderful person. 158 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,828 She's longing to see you. 159 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:26,666 It seemed so nice for her at that home. 160 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,046 I wanted her with me. 161 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,878 Are you sure she's better off here? 162 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:34,761 Yes. And I have someone to look after. 163 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,343 Has she... 164 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,269 I mean is she... 165 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:43,019 Is she worse? 166 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:46,819 Oh, yes, she's worse. It's part of the disease. 167 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,317 Come along then. Let's go and see her. 168 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:58,410 - Are you sure? - I have no choice. 169 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,878 Some people are so naïve. 170 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,540 - You mean me? - If the shoe fits. 171 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,465 Come on. Let's go. 172 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,607 Dear Lena! 173 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:32,315 I've thought of you so often, every day. 174 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,616 Helena is afraid of giving you her cold. 175 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:46,044 I haven't had a cold for 20 years. 176 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:51,133 What a lovely room you have, and what a view. 177 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,176 I have the same view from my room. 178 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:09,276 Helena wants you to take her head in your hands. 179 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,479 Like that? 180 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,276 I'm so glad Eva's looking after you. 181 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,784 I thought you were still at that home. 182 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,581 I would have come to visit. 183 00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:26,035 But it's much better like this, isn't it? 184 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,204 Now we can be together every day. 185 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,292 Are you in pain? 186 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,675 No. 187 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,476 I love how you've done your hair. 188 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,896 It's in your honor. 189 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,691 Suppose I read aloud to you? Would you like that? 190 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:03,952 And we can go for a drive. I've never been around here before. 191 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,504 What? 192 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:14,584 Helena says you must be very tired and not to exert yourself any more today. 193 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,678 Well done, Mama. 194 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:30,607 - Doesn't Lena have a wristwatch? - Of course. It's on the nightstand. 195 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,942 I'll give you mine. 196 00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:36,739 It was a gift from an admirer who said I was always late. 197 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:42,118 - Will Lena be having dinner with us? - No, she's on a diet. 198 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:47,700 She ate far too much at the hospital. 199 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,791 Why do I feel like I have a fever? 200 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,628 Why do I want to cry? 201 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:04,516 I'm to be put to shame. That's the idea. 202 00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:09,020 A guilty conscience. Always a guilty conscience! 203 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:14,984 I was in such a hurry to get here. What was I expecting? 204 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,607 What was I longing for so desperately? 205 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,910 What an extraordinary mother. 206 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:28,623 You should have seen her when I told her Lena was here. 207 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,826 She actually smiled. 208 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,333 Can you believe she actually managed to produce a smile 209 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,960 despite her surprise and alarm? 210 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:39,377 Then, as we stood outside Lena's door, 211 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,632 she was like an actress waiting for her entrance, 212 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:44,089 scared but in control. 213 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,550 The performance was superb. 214 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,804 Why on earth did she come here? 215 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:53,899 What did she expect would happen after seven years? 216 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,271 - What did she expect? - I wonder. 217 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,228 And what did I expect? 218 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:02,403 - We never give up hope, do we? - I don't think so. 219 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,780 Don't we ever stop being mother and daughter? 220 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,363 No use starting to cry. 221 00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:09,489 Damn it! 222 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,703 There she sat, gazing at me with her big eyes. 223 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:23,255 I held her face and felt the disease twitching at her throat muscles. 224 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,798 Damn it! 225 00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:31,053 To think I can't carry her to my bed 226 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,764 and comfort her as I did when she was three. 227 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,657 That soft, torn body... 228 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,199 that's my Lena. 229 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,915 Don't cry, for Christ's sake. 230 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,293 A writer whose name I've forgotten said, 231 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:05,676 "It's like a ghost falling on top of you when you open the door to the nursery 232 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:09,179 having long since forgotten it is the nursery." 233 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,310 Do you think I'm an adult? 234 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:18,893 I guess being an adult is being able to handle your dreams and hopes, 235 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,773 not longing for things. 236 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:22,904 Do you think so? 237 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,858 Maybe you stop being surprised. 238 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:31,239 You look so sensible with your old pipe. 239 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,240 You're very adult. 240 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:37,248 I don't know. I'm surprised every day. 241 00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,830 - At what? - At you. 242 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:44,965 And I have the most unreasonable dreams and hopes. 243 00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:48,138 And a longing too, come to that. 244 00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:51,057 - A longing? - Yes. I long for you. 245 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:54,477 Those are very pretty words. 246 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:57,271 Words don't mean anything real. 247 00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,191 I was brought up with beautiful words. 248 00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:05,322 Mama is never furious or disappointed or unhappy. 249 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,319 She is "pained." 250 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,160 You have a lot of words like that too. 251 00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:13,497 It's kind of an occupational disease. 252 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:19,374 If you long for me when I'm here, I'll start getting suspicious. 253 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,547 - You know what I mean. - No. 254 00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:27,169 If I knew, it would never have entered your head to say you long for me. 255 00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:31,181 I have to check the veal roast. 256 00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:35,222 Mama thinks I'm a hopeless cook. She's a real glutton. 257 00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:38,020 - I think you're a... - ...wonderful cook. 258 00:22:38,107 --> 00:22:39,143 Thank you. 259 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:44,440 And she's having decaffeinated coffee. 260 00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:46,980 I'll cut my visit short. 261 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,566 I can manage four days. 262 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:53,074 Then I'll go to Africa as I had originally planned. 263 00:22:58,669 --> 00:23:00,831 This hurts, Charlotte. 264 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,329 It hurts, hurts, hurts. 265 00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:07,504 I've often wondered why she sleeps badly. 266 00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:09,302 Now I know. 267 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:13,974 If that woman slept normally, her vitality would crush everyone. 268 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:19,438 Her insomnia is nature's way of using up the surplus energy. 269 00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:25,436 I'll put on my red dress just to spite Eva. 270 00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:29,944 I'm sure she thinks I ought to be in mourning. 271 00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:34,994 Watch how carefully she dresses for dinner. 272 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:42,123 Her dress will be a discreet reminder that she's a lonely widow. 273 00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,831 I'm angry all the time. 274 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:50,010 Viktor and Eva have been sweet to me. 275 00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,341 Viktor's a kind soul. 276 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,469 Lucky for Eva, the crybaby. 277 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,601 I'll bet the shower doesn't work. 278 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:00,849 Yes, it does. 279 00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:18,447 - What a lovely dress! - Does it suit me? 280 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:22,705 One day I met a friend who said, 281 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:25,208 "I've just come from a fashion show. 282 00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:28,290 There was a divine red dress that's absolutely you." 283 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:30,216 To your health, Charlotte. 284 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:32,715 We're delighted to have you with us. 285 00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:06,120 Eva, see if I left my glasses on the table. 286 00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:16,675 Thank you, darling. 287 00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:25,372 That was my agent. He's so sweet. 288 00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:27,576 He's the only friend I have left. 289 00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:30,537 You remember old Paul, Eva. 290 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,839 We've worked together for 30 years now. 291 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:36,630 What a fine old instrument. 292 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,259 What a lovely tone. And just tuned. 293 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:42,678 Now I'm really happy. 294 00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:47,016 - I didn't need to worry. - What do you mean, Mama? 295 00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:51,271 I was nervous, seeing you again after so many years. 296 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,647 I nearly didn't come. 297 00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:55,524 No sugar, please. 298 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:59,779 This strange coffee is a bore, but what can I do when I can't sleep? 299 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:03,574 I see you're working on the Chopin preludes. 300 00:27:04,081 --> 00:27:06,368 - Play something. - Not now. 301 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:10,042 Don't be childish. 302 00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,462 You'd give me great pleasure. 303 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:16,633 But you wanted your mother to hear you play. 304 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:21,179 But it's all a sham. I have no technique. 305 00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:26,351 I haven't even bothered to learn the fingering. 306 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:29,895 Darling, no more excuses. Come on, now, play. 307 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:25,886 Eva, my dearest. 308 00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:31,183 - Is that all? - I was just so moved. 309 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:34,012 - Did you like it? - I liked you. 310 00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:39,351 - I don't understand. - Play something else. 311 00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:42,107 - What was wrong with it? - Nothing. 312 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,574 You didn't like my interpretation. 313 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:50,495 - We each have our own. - Exactly. 314 00:29:50,580 --> 00:29:52,492 I want to know yours. 315 00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:56,451 - You're annoyed. - No, I'm upset. 316 00:29:56,545 --> 00:30:00,414 You won't tell me your interpretation of this prelude. 317 00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,544 All right, if you insist. 318 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:07,762 Your technique wasn't bad at all, 319 00:30:07,848 --> 00:30:11,637 though you might have taken more interest in Cortot's fingering, 320 00:30:11,727 --> 00:30:17,064 but let's just talk about the conception. 321 00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:22,194 Chopin was emotional, but not sentimental. 322 00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:25,363 Feeling is very far from sentimentality. 323 00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:31,696 The prelude tells of pain, not reverie. 324 00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:35,657 You have to be calm, clear and harsh. 325 00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:37,743 Take the first bars now. 326 00:30:40,589 --> 00:30:43,798 It hurts, but he doesn't show it. 327 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,377 Then a short relief. 328 00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:57,563 But it evaporates immediately, and the pain is the same. 329 00:31:01,735 --> 00:31:04,227 Total restraint the whole time. 330 00:31:05,364 --> 00:31:12,407 Chopin was proud, passionate, tormented and very manly. 331 00:31:12,496 --> 00:31:14,704 He wasn't a sentimental old woman. 332 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:18,916 This prelude must sound almost ugly. 333 00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,621 It is never ingratiating. It should sound wrong. 334 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:26,549 You have to battle your way through it and emerge triumphant. 335 00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:29,878 Like this. 336 00:34:05,627 --> 00:34:07,459 I see. 337 00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,417 Don't be annoyed with me. 338 00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,501 Why would I be? On the contrary. 339 00:34:14,594 --> 00:34:18,178 For 45 years, I've worked at these terrible preludes. 340 00:34:18,682 --> 00:34:22,767 They still contain a lot of secrets. 341 00:34:24,563 --> 00:34:27,180 When I was little, I admired you so much. 342 00:34:27,941 --> 00:34:31,275 Then I got pretty tired of you and your pianos. 343 00:34:32,571 --> 00:34:35,905 Now I admire you again, but in a different way. 344 00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:39,992 - Then there's some hope. - Yes, I guess so. 345 00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:58,048 - Where are you? - I'm up here, Mama. 346 00:35:06,271 --> 00:35:10,686 I've changed, so we can go for a walk if you like. 347 00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:14,230 - Is this the nursery? - Yes, it's Erik's room. 348 00:35:15,697 --> 00:35:18,656 Why would you keep it this way? 349 00:35:18,742 --> 00:35:22,827 We've often talked about changing it. 350 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:28,329 Sometimes I come and sit here and let my thoughts wander. 351 00:35:28,418 --> 00:35:30,375 - Let's go. - Wait, Mama. 352 00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:33,121 Just feel how nice it is in here. 353 00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:39,377 Erik drowned the day before his fourth birthday. 354 00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:41,386 But you know that. 355 00:35:42,015 --> 00:35:46,100 It was too much for Viktor. 356 00:35:46,186 --> 00:35:49,304 I grieved a lot, outwardly. 357 00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:53,141 Deep inside, I felt like he was still alive, 358 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:56,443 that we were living close to each other. 359 00:35:57,697 --> 00:36:01,236 All I have to do is concentrate, and he's there. 360 00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:07,747 Sometimes, as I'm falling asleep I can feel him breathing on my face 361 00:36:08,083 --> 00:36:10,871 and touching me with his hand. 362 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:15,455 He's living another life, but we can reach one another. 363 00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:18,916 There's no dividing line, no insurmountable wall. 364 00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:25,515 I wonder what reality looks like where my little boy is living. 365 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,684 I know it can't be described. 366 00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:32,684 It's a world of liberated feelings. 367 00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,437 Do you know what I mean? 368 00:36:35,944 --> 00:36:42,316 To me, man is a tremendous creation, an inconceivable thought. 369 00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:47,120 In man, there is everything, from the highest to the lowest. 370 00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:51,495 Man is God's image, and in God there is everything. 371 00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:54,998 So human beings are created, 372 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,878 but also the demons and the saints, 373 00:36:58,967 --> 00:37:03,211 the prophets and artists and iconoclasts. 374 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:05,341 Everything exists side by side. 375 00:37:05,432 --> 00:37:09,847 It's like huge patterns changing all the time. 376 00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:11,643 Do you know what I mean? 377 00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:16,600 In the same way, there must also be countless realities. 378 00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:20,485 Not only the reality we perceive with our dull senses, 379 00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:27,661 but a tumult of realities arching above each other inside and outside. 380 00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:31,997 It's just fear and priggishness to believe in limits. 381 00:37:33,168 --> 00:37:35,034 There are no limits. 382 00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:39,919 Neither for thoughts nor for feelings. 383 00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:46,596 It's anxiety that sets limits, don't you think so? 384 00:37:47,182 --> 00:37:51,927 When you play the slow movement of the Hammerklavier sonata, 385 00:37:52,020 --> 00:37:56,856 you must feel like you're living in a world without limitations, 386 00:37:57,066 --> 00:38:02,357 in a movement you can never see through or explore. 387 00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:07,400 Let's go for a walk before it gets too dark. 388 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:10,204 Yes. 389 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,348 I thought I heard Helena calling. 390 00:38:35,438 --> 00:38:37,145 Excuse me. 391 00:38:39,234 --> 00:38:43,649 I think Eva is terribly unhappy. 392 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:48,824 I'm appalled when I hear her rambling on. It's so neurotic. 393 00:38:48,910 --> 00:38:51,618 Just a moment, Charlotte, 394 00:38:51,955 --> 00:38:56,495 and I'll try to explain how I see my wife. 395 00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:03,961 When I asked Eva to marry me, she said she didn't love me. 396 00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:08,385 - What do you mean? - I asked if she loved someone else. 397 00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:12,799 She said she had never loved anyone, 398 00:39:13,226 --> 00:39:16,219 that she was incapable of loving. 399 00:39:20,233 --> 00:39:23,852 Eva and I lived here for several years. 400 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,772 Then Erik was born. 401 00:39:28,157 --> 00:39:31,525 We'd given up hope of a child of our own 402 00:39:31,619 --> 00:39:34,703 and had talked about adopting one. 403 00:39:34,789 --> 00:39:40,786 With her pregnancy, Eva underwent a complete change. 404 00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:47,008 She became cheerful, gentle and outgoing. 405 00:39:48,970 --> 00:39:50,552 She got lazy. 406 00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:55,474 She lost interest in her parish work and her piano playing. 407 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,893 She would sit by that window, 408 00:39:57,979 --> 00:40:01,472 gazing at the play of light over the mountains and fjords. 409 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,443 We were suddenly very happy. 410 00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:10,819 I'm much older than Eva. 411 00:40:11,034 --> 00:40:16,575 I felt as if a gray film were settling over life. 412 00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:19,953 I felt as if I could look back and say, 413 00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:24,003 "Well, well, so that was my life. That's how it all turned out." 414 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:34,471 But suddenly things were different. 415 00:40:40,021 --> 00:40:44,561 Please forgive me, but it's still rather hard to... 416 00:40:49,614 --> 00:40:54,279 Yes. We had some years that were very rich. 417 00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:56,985 Erik. 418 00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,909 You should have seen Eva. 419 00:41:03,002 --> 00:41:04,618 You really should have seen her. 420 00:41:04,712 --> 00:41:11,334 At the time of Erik's birth, I was recording all the Mozart sonatas. 421 00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:14,261 - I couldn't get one day off. - No. 422 00:41:14,347 --> 00:41:17,511 We invited you over and over again. 423 00:41:19,394 --> 00:41:23,013 When Erik drowned, that gray film got even grayer. 424 00:41:24,232 --> 00:41:27,896 For Eva, it was different. 425 00:41:28,444 --> 00:41:33,906 - Different? - Her feeling lives on, uncorroded. 426 00:41:34,534 --> 00:41:36,321 Or so it seems anyway. 427 00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:45,043 If she feels that her son is alive and near her... 428 00:41:46,796 --> 00:41:49,209 well, perhaps that's how it is. 429 00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:52,041 She seldom speaks of it. 430 00:41:52,552 --> 00:41:57,343 I guess she's afraid it might upset me, as indeed it would. 431 00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:01,638 But what she says sounds true enough. 432 00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,553 I believe her. 433 00:42:04,647 --> 00:42:06,730 Yes, you're a minister. 434 00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:11,360 The little faith I have lives on her terms. 435 00:42:12,447 --> 00:42:14,439 I'm sorry if I hurt you. 436 00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:16,694 It doesn't matter. 437 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:20,528 Unlike you and Eva, I'm confused and uncertain. 438 00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:21,702 It's my own fault. 439 00:42:21,789 --> 00:42:25,954 I think I'll take a nice dose of sleeping pills tonight. 440 00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:34,508 It's so peaceful here, only the hiss of the rain on the roof. 441 00:42:35,595 --> 00:42:38,713 - Do you have everything you need? - Couldn't be better. 442 00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:44,723 Cookies, mineral water, a tape recorder, two detective novels, 443 00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:49,682 my blindfold, earplugs, my spare pillow and my travel blanket. 444 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:53,777 Would you like to taste my delicious Swiss chocolate? Fresh from Zurich. 445 00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:55,980 Help yourself. You can have two pieces. 446 00:42:56,324 --> 00:42:58,611 I don't like chocolate. 447 00:42:58,701 --> 00:43:02,695 I seem to remember you were crazy about candy as a child. 448 00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,573 Helena liked it. I didn't. 449 00:43:05,666 --> 00:43:08,329 Good, all the more for me. 450 00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:11,078 - Good night, Mama. - Good night, my pet. 451 00:43:11,172 --> 00:43:14,256 Viktor is a wonderful person. 452 00:43:14,342 --> 00:43:17,301 - You must take care of him. - I do. 453 00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:21,847 Eva, darling, are you happy together? 454 00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:23,928 Do you get along? 455 00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:25,850 Viktor is my best friend. 456 00:43:25,937 --> 00:43:28,975 I can't imagine life without him. 457 00:43:29,732 --> 00:43:32,395 He said you didn't love him. 458 00:43:33,069 --> 00:43:34,901 - Did he say that? - Yes. 459 00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:38,480 - Why? - Oh, it's just surprising. 460 00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:40,865 Was it a secret? 461 00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:46,455 - But he shouldn't have said it? - He's not the confiding type. 462 00:43:46,541 --> 00:43:48,908 We were talking about you. 463 00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:53,245 If you want to know anything, ask me. I'll tell you the truth. 464 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,082 Now, don't get upset. 465 00:43:56,175 --> 00:44:00,385 A mother naturally worries about her daughter. 466 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:04,340 We spoke of you with the greatest affection. 467 00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:08,552 If only you'd leave people alone. 468 00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:11,605 I've left you alone far too long. 469 00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:15,442 - You're right. - Give me a hug. 470 00:44:15,528 --> 00:44:18,566 - Promise you're not angry. - I'm not. 471 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:21,899 - I love you, don't you see? - I love you too. 472 00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:26,241 It's not much fun being alone all the time. 473 00:44:26,873 --> 00:44:29,331 I envy you and Viktor. 474 00:44:30,084 --> 00:44:34,829 Now that Leonardo's dead, I'm so lonely. 475 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,249 - Do you understand? - Yes. 476 00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:42,052 I'll start weeping with self-pity any minute. 477 00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:45,173 This book isn't bad. 478 00:44:45,266 --> 00:44:48,805 It's by Adam Kretzinsky. Have you heard of him? 479 00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:52,896 I met him in Madrid. He's mad as a hatter. 480 00:44:52,982 --> 00:44:56,441 I couldn't defend myself. In fact, I didn't. 481 00:44:57,278 --> 00:45:01,238 - Should I turn off this light? - Yes, please. 482 00:45:03,201 --> 00:45:06,239 - I'll bring you your breakfast. - Don't trouble yourself. 483 00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:10,164 - But I want to spoil you. - Very well, if you insist. 484 00:45:11,042 --> 00:45:16,083 Strong coffee, hot milk, two slices of German bread with cheese, 485 00:45:16,172 --> 00:45:20,041 one slice of toast with honey. 486 00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:23,218 - And orange juice. - I nearly forgot. 487 00:45:23,304 --> 00:45:25,421 - I can... - Juice it will be. 488 00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:29,098 - Good night, darling. - Good night, Mama. 489 00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,868 I think I'll have a look at my accounts. 490 00:45:56,671 --> 00:46:00,381 I'll have Brammer invest the money from Leonardo. 491 00:46:02,385 --> 00:46:05,253 The house is worth quite a bit too. 492 00:46:05,346 --> 00:46:08,930 Leonardo, you never looked after your money. 493 00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:11,429 You were above mundane worries... 494 00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:14,974 and left all these problems to your Charlotte. 495 00:46:16,524 --> 00:46:23,363 3,735,866 francs. 496 00:46:25,408 --> 00:46:28,901 To think you had so much money. Who'd have thought it? 497 00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:35,116 And you left it all to your old Charlotte. 498 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,542 I've got a little nest egg too. 499 00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:46,126 Together, it comes to over five million. 500 00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:49,300 What am I going to do with so much money? 501 00:46:49,849 --> 00:46:53,388 I'll buy a nice car for Viktor and Eva. 502 00:46:53,728 --> 00:46:57,847 They can't drive around in that old rattletrap. 503 00:46:57,940 --> 00:47:01,229 On Monday we'll go into town and look for a new car. 504 00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:04,524 It'll cheer them up. Me too. 505 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:11,911 "She offered him the red flower of her virginity. 506 00:47:11,996 --> 00:47:15,410 He accepted it without enthusiasm." 507 00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:21,420 This is trash. 508 00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:26,341 Adam was really quite an idiot, 509 00:47:26,427 --> 00:47:29,545 even if he did nearly commit suicide because of me. 510 00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:38,479 Supposing I buy a new car for myself and give them the Mercedes? 511 00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:45,110 Then I can fly to Paris and buy a car there, 512 00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:49,439 and I won't have to drive all that way. 513 00:47:50,368 --> 00:47:53,111 Tomorrow, I have to work on Ravel. 514 00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:59,834 It's disgraceful how lazy I've been lately. 515 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:59,680 Mama, what happened? 516 00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:03,931 I heard you call out, and you weren't in your room. 517 00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:09,236 I'm sorry I woke you, but I had such a horrible dream. 518 00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:12,067 I can't remember it. 519 00:49:12,158 --> 00:49:15,697 - Do you want some company? - No, thank you, dear. 520 00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:20,701 - You go back to bed. - Very well. 521 00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:27,712 - You do like me, don't you? - You're my mother. 522 00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,382 That's one way of answering. 523 00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:44,141 - Do you like me? - I love you. 524 00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:45,642 Do you? 525 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:51,195 I broke off my career to stay at home with you and Papa. 526 00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:56,651 Your back prevented you from practicing six hours a day. 527 00:49:56,744 --> 00:50:00,784 Your playing got worse and so did your reviews. 528 00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:04,788 - Have you forgotten that? - No, but Eva... 529 00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:06,493 I don't know which I hated more, 530 00:50:06,587 --> 00:50:10,297 when you were at home or when you were on tour. 531 00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:15,339 I realize now you made life hell for Papa and me. 532 00:50:15,429 --> 00:50:18,638 Eva, sweetheart, that's not true. Your father and I were very happy. 533 00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:21,967 Josef loved me, and I'd have done anything for him. 534 00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:24,018 Yes, of course. 535 00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:27,647 - You were unfaithful to him. - I was not! 536 00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,983 I was quite honest with Josef. 537 00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:34,738 I fell in love with Martin and lived with him for eight months. 538 00:50:36,116 --> 00:50:38,654 It wasn't a bed of roses. 539 00:50:38,744 --> 00:50:41,908 I was the one who had to sit with Papa in the evenings. 540 00:50:42,331 --> 00:50:44,493 I was the one who had to comfort him, 541 00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:48,372 to keep repeating that you did love him just the same, 542 00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,455 that you were sure to come back. 543 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,633 I read your letters out loud, 544 00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:59,463 your long, loving, amusing letters 545 00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:03,968 in which you told us of your interesting travels. 546 00:51:05,521 --> 00:51:11,563 We sat there like two idiots, reading your letters over and over. 547 00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:14,983 We thought you were the most wonderful person alive. 548 00:51:16,115 --> 00:51:20,325 You hate me. 549 00:51:25,332 --> 00:51:27,289 I don't know. 550 00:51:28,127 --> 00:51:31,996 I was so excited that you were coming. 551 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,456 I don't know what I was imagining. 552 00:51:35,551 --> 00:51:38,009 Maybe I thought you were lonely and sad. 553 00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:41,387 I'm so confused! 554 00:51:42,391 --> 00:51:43,882 I thought I was an adult 555 00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:49,722 and could look clearly at you and me and Helena's illness and our childhood. 556 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:55,026 Now it's all one big mess. 557 00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:57,687 Helena. 558 00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:16,585 It's all right now. 559 00:52:16,675 --> 00:52:19,213 Wake up. Wake up now. 560 00:52:19,303 --> 00:52:21,090 There, there. 561 00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:31,847 I'll sit here with you until you go to sleep. 562 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:42,505 For you, I was just a doll you played with when you had time. 563 00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:48,800 If I was sick or naughty, you handed me over to the nanny. 564 00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:53,599 You shut yourself in and worked, 565 00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:56,309 and no one was allowed to disturb you. 566 00:53:56,817 --> 00:53:59,184 I used to stand outside, listening. 567 00:54:00,154 --> 00:54:04,819 When you stopped for coffee, I'd go in to see ifyou really existed. 568 00:54:05,826 --> 00:54:09,820 You were always kind, but your mind was elsewhere. 569 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:13,915 If I spoke, you barely answered. 570 00:54:15,294 --> 00:54:17,001 Thank you. 571 00:54:37,024 --> 00:54:39,016 Mama wants to be left alone now. 572 00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:41,817 Run along and play outside. It's such a lovely day. 573 00:54:57,711 --> 00:55:00,545 I always wanted to be beautiful like you. 574 00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:06,627 I always worried that you wouldn't like the way I looked. 575 00:55:08,055 --> 00:55:09,762 I was so ugly, 576 00:55:10,349 --> 00:55:13,558 lean and angular with big cow's eyes, 577 00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:17,763 big wide lips and no eyebrows. 578 00:55:18,607 --> 00:55:22,146 My arms were too thin and my feet too big. 579 00:55:22,236 --> 00:55:24,398 I thought I looked repulsive. 580 00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:30,280 Once you said, "You should have been a boy," 581 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:34,245 and laughed so I wouldn't be upset. 582 00:55:34,331 --> 00:55:35,867 I was, of course. 583 00:55:36,959 --> 00:55:40,828 Then, one day, your suitcases would be downstairs, 584 00:55:40,921 --> 00:55:45,086 and you'd be talking on the phone in a foreign language. 585 00:55:45,926 --> 00:55:50,591 I used to pray that something would stop you from leaving... 586 00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:53,430 but you always went. 587 00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:58,353 You'd hug me and kiss me, 588 00:55:58,438 --> 00:56:01,146 then hug and kiss me again. 589 00:56:01,233 --> 00:56:03,520 You'd look at me and smile. 590 00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:07,358 You smelled nice but strange. 591 00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:11,195 You yourself were a stranger, already on your way. 592 00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,242 You didn't see me. 593 00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:16,320 Then you'd be gone. 594 00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,750 I used to think, "Now I'll die. 595 00:56:20,836 --> 00:56:22,793 It hurts so much. 596 00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:24,962 I'll never be happy again. 597 00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:30,173 How can I bear this pain for two months?" 598 00:56:41,189 --> 00:56:43,806 And I'd cry in Papa's lap. 599 00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:48,987 He'd sit very still with his soft hand on my head. 600 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:54,993 He'd keep on sitting there, smoking his old pipe. 601 00:56:55,996 --> 00:57:00,661 Sometimes he'd say, "Let's go to a movie this evening," 602 00:57:01,668 --> 00:57:04,251 or "What about ice cream for dinner today?" 603 00:57:06,006 --> 00:57:09,499 But I just wanted to die. 604 00:57:13,931 --> 00:57:16,844 So the days and weeks passed. 605 00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:20,176 We shared the loneliness very well. 606 00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:26,808 We didn't have much to say, but I never disturbed him. 607 00:57:28,570 --> 00:57:30,061 Sometimes he'd look worried. 608 00:57:30,155 --> 00:57:34,115 I didn't know then that he was always short of money. 609 00:57:34,201 --> 00:57:39,663 But whenever I'd come clumping along, his face would brighten, 610 00:57:39,748 --> 00:57:44,038 and he'd pat me with his pale little hand. 611 00:57:45,212 --> 00:57:50,128 Or else Uncle Otto would be sitting on the sofa, drinking brandy. 612 00:57:51,051 --> 00:57:53,714 They'd mumble to each other. 613 00:57:54,137 --> 00:57:56,629 I wonder if they could hear each other. 614 00:57:57,724 --> 00:58:01,718 Or else Uncle Harry would be there and they'd play chess... 615 00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:06,515 and then it'd be extra quiet. 616 00:58:07,693 --> 00:58:11,607 I could hear three different clocks ticking. 617 00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:17,905 A few days before you were due home, 618 00:58:18,578 --> 00:58:21,787 I'd get a fever from the excitement. 619 00:58:21,873 --> 00:58:26,914 I'd worry I might really get sick, because you were afraid of sick people. 620 00:58:29,006 --> 00:58:35,048 When you did come, I was so happy I couldn't say anything. 621 00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:38,338 You'd get impatient and say, 622 00:58:38,432 --> 00:58:42,426 "Eva doesn't seem verypleased to have her mother home again." 623 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:48,686 I'd blush red as a beet and break out in a sweat. 624 00:58:49,484 --> 00:58:51,521 I couldn't say anything. 625 00:58:52,029 --> 00:58:54,271 I had no words. 626 00:58:55,490 --> 00:58:59,359 You had taken charge of all the words in our home. 627 00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:03,287 - You're exaggerating. - I must finish speaking. 628 00:59:03,582 --> 00:59:08,452 I know I'm tipsy, but otherwise I wouldn't have said what I have. 629 00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:14,633 When I'm too ashamed to say any more, you can explain, 630 00:59:15,135 --> 00:59:20,472 and I'll listen and understand, just as I've always done. 631 00:59:25,145 --> 00:59:27,262 I loved you, Mama. 632 00:59:28,023 --> 00:59:31,937 As a matter of life and death. But I distrusted your words. 633 00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:35,854 They didn't match the expression in your eyes. 634 00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:38,314 You have a beautiful voice. 635 00:59:38,408 --> 00:59:42,448 When I was little, I could feel it all over my body. 636 00:59:42,746 --> 00:59:46,911 But I knew instinctively you didn't mean what you said. 637 00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:51,832 I couldn't understand your words. 638 00:59:54,299 --> 00:59:58,339 The most horrible thing was, you'd smile when you were mad. 639 00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:03,181 When you hated Papa, you'd call him, "my dearest." 640 01:00:04,267 --> 01:00:09,183 When you were tired of me, you'd say, "darling little girl." 641 01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:27,325 It's gotten quiet in here. 642 01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:30,833 What can I say? 643 01:00:32,212 --> 01:00:34,704 Defend yourself. 644 01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:37,210 Is it worth the effort? 645 01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,004 How would I know? 646 01:00:40,095 --> 01:00:44,339 You reproach me for leaving, and you reproach me for staying home. 647 01:00:45,725 --> 01:00:49,890 I had a hell of a time those years. 648 01:00:51,565 --> 01:00:53,648 My back hurt. I couldn't practice. 649 01:00:53,733 --> 01:00:57,898 Important engagements were canceled. 650 01:00:58,363 --> 01:01:00,980 My life seemed meaningless. 651 01:01:01,074 --> 01:01:06,286 I felt guilty about always being away from you and Papa. 652 01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,572 You're smiling sarcastically. 653 01:01:09,958 --> 01:01:12,371 I'm trying to tell you the truth. 654 01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:16,044 I'm merely telling you how I felt. 655 01:01:16,715 --> 01:01:20,334 We may as well have this out for once. Then we won't refer to it again. 656 01:01:23,305 --> 01:01:25,388 Go on. 657 01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:34,181 I was in Hamburg, playing Beethoven's First. 658 01:01:34,274 --> 01:01:38,143 It's not too difficult, and everything had gone well. 659 01:01:39,529 --> 01:01:41,145 After the concert, Schmiess and I... 660 01:01:41,239 --> 01:01:43,731 You know, the conductor. He's dead now. 661 01:01:43,825 --> 01:01:47,489 We went to get a bite to eat. We always did. 662 01:01:47,829 --> 01:01:50,196 After we'd been eating and drinking for a while, 663 01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:55,331 and I was content and relaxed and my back wasn't aching, 664 01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:57,207 Schmiess said... 665 01:01:59,674 --> 01:02:03,418 "Why don't you stay at home with your husband and child 666 01:02:03,511 --> 01:02:06,219 and lead a respectable life, 667 01:02:07,098 --> 01:02:10,808 instead of exposing yourself to constant humiliation?" 668 01:02:15,357 --> 01:02:21,274 I stared at him and laughed and said, "Did I play that badly?" 669 01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:23,480 "No," he said, 670 01:02:23,573 --> 01:02:30,946 "but I can't help remembering August 18, 1934. 671 01:02:33,333 --> 01:02:37,998 We played Beethoven's First together in Linz. 672 01:02:38,672 --> 01:02:42,416 You were 20 years old. The hall was packed. 673 01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:46,093 We played like gods. The orchestra was inspired. 674 01:02:47,055 --> 01:02:50,765 Afterwards, the audience stood up and cheered, 675 01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:53,137 and the orchestra played a fanfare." 676 01:02:57,857 --> 01:03:01,976 Then he said, "You wore a simple red summer dress 677 01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:04,733 and had long hair down to your waist." 678 01:03:07,158 --> 01:03:09,946 "How do you remember all that?" I asked. 679 01:03:11,162 --> 01:03:14,075 "I wrote it down on my score," he said. 680 01:03:14,958 --> 01:03:18,201 "I make a note of all my great experiences." 681 01:03:21,381 --> 01:03:24,215 When I got back to the hotel, I couldn't sleep. 682 01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:31,632 At 3:00 in the morning, I called Papa and told him I was going to stop touring... 683 01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:34,804 and stay at home with him and you. 684 01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:36,886 We'd be a real family. 685 01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:44,147 Josef was so happy. 686 01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:47,438 We wept with emotion, both of us. 687 01:03:49,034 --> 01:03:51,242 We talked for two hours. 688 01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:53,407 And that was that. 689 01:03:53,496 --> 01:03:57,911 That summer we were happy, weren't we? 690 01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:00,952 No. 691 01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:06,503 - You weren't happy? - No. 692 01:04:06,593 --> 01:04:09,256 You said things had never been so good. 693 01:04:13,224 --> 01:04:15,682 I didn't want to hurt you. 694 01:04:20,732 --> 01:04:23,896 Well, that just goes to show you. 695 01:04:25,612 --> 01:04:27,148 What did I do wrong? 696 01:04:27,238 --> 01:04:29,275 I was 14, 697 01:04:29,366 --> 01:04:34,236 and you directed all of your pent-up energy on me. 698 01:04:35,914 --> 01:04:40,454 You were damn well going to make up for your neglect. 699 01:04:40,543 --> 01:04:43,877 I tried to defend myself, but I didn't have a chance. 700 01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:49,379 You trotted out your thoughtfulness and your worried voice. 701 01:04:49,677 --> 01:04:55,048 There wasn't one detail that escaped your loving energy. 702 01:04:55,767 --> 01:04:59,386 I had a stoop. You got to work with gymnastics. 703 01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:03,223 We did exercises together. 704 01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:08,857 You thought my hair was too long, so you had it cut short. 705 01:05:08,947 --> 01:05:10,654 It was hideous. 706 01:05:11,116 --> 01:05:15,611 Then you got the idea my teeth were crooked, so I got braces. 707 01:05:15,703 --> 01:05:17,410 I looked grotesque. 708 01:05:17,497 --> 01:05:21,207 You said I couldn't go around wearing pants any longer, 709 01:05:21,292 --> 01:05:26,583 so you had dresses made without asking me what I thought. 710 01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:30,550 I didn't dare say no because I didn't want to upset you. 711 01:05:32,053 --> 01:05:36,718 You gave me books to read that I didn't understand! 712 01:05:36,808 --> 01:05:42,224 I read and read, and then you and I had to discuss them. 713 01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:45,522 You'd go on and on, but I didn't know what you were talking about! 714 01:05:45,608 --> 01:05:49,898 I was scared you'd expose my stupidity. 715 01:05:49,988 --> 01:05:51,524 I was paralyzed! 716 01:05:52,157 --> 01:05:54,023 But one thing I did understand: 717 01:05:54,117 --> 01:06:00,239 There wasn't a shred of the real me worthy of love or acceptance! 718 01:06:00,331 --> 01:06:02,072 You were obsessed. 719 01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,035 I grew more and more afraid of being annihilated. 720 01:06:05,128 --> 01:06:09,589 I said what you wanted me to say and copied your gestures! 721 01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,963 I didn't dare to be myself even when I was alone 722 01:06:13,052 --> 01:06:17,888 because I hated everything about myself! 723 01:06:19,309 --> 01:06:22,222 It was horrible, Mama! 724 01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:27,353 I still shake all over when I think of those years! 725 01:06:27,859 --> 01:06:30,146 It was horrible! 726 01:06:34,199 --> 01:06:35,986 I didn't realize I hated you. 727 01:06:36,075 --> 01:06:40,069 I was so sure we loved each other. 728 01:06:40,371 --> 01:06:45,457 I couldn't hate you, so my hatred turned into an insane fear. 729 01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:48,703 I had nightmares. I bit my nails. 730 01:06:48,796 --> 01:06:51,209 I pulled out tufts of hair. 731 01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:54,838 I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. 732 01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,045 I couldn't make a sound. 733 01:06:57,138 --> 01:07:02,679 I tried to scream, but I could only make stifled grunts. 734 01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:06,388 That frightened me even more. I thought I was going out of my mind. 735 01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,825 - Then came Stefan. - Who got you pregnant. 736 01:07:23,915 --> 01:07:25,907 I was 18! 737 01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:28,868 Stefan was an adult. We could have managed. 738 01:07:28,962 --> 01:07:30,203 No! 739 01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:34,540 We wanted to have the child, but you ruined everything! 740 01:07:34,634 --> 01:07:40,221 That's not true! I told Papa we should wait and see. 741 01:07:40,306 --> 01:07:43,140 You didn't realize Stefan was an idiot. 742 01:07:43,226 --> 01:07:48,517 Were you present during our conversations? 743 01:07:48,606 --> 01:07:51,223 Were you lurking under our bed? 744 01:07:51,317 --> 01:07:54,105 Do you even know what you're talking about? 745 01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:59,486 Have you ever given a damn about any living soul except yourself? 746 01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:02,694 If you'd wanted a child, I couldn't have forced you to have an abortion! 747 01:08:02,787 --> 01:08:04,949 How could I defy you? 748 01:08:05,039 --> 01:08:10,125 - I was afraid and needed help. - I tried to help you. 749 01:08:10,211 --> 01:08:14,376 I thought abortion was the only way. I've thought so all along. 750 01:08:14,465 --> 01:08:18,459 It's awful! You've carried this hatred all these years! 751 01:08:18,553 --> 01:08:21,796 - Why have you never said anything? - Because you never listen. 752 01:08:21,889 --> 01:08:24,176 You're a goddamn escape artist. 753 01:08:24,267 --> 01:08:27,556 You're emotionally crippled. 754 01:08:27,645 --> 01:08:30,558 In reality, you detest me and Helena. 755 01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:36,777 You're shut up inside yourself and always put yourself first. 756 01:08:37,363 --> 01:08:39,571 I loved you... 757 01:08:40,783 --> 01:08:45,778 but you thought I was disgusting, stupid and a failure. 758 01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:51,709 You managed to injure me for life, just as you are injured. 759 01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:55,500 Everything that was sensitive and delicate, you attacked. 760 01:08:55,757 --> 01:08:59,296 Everything that was alive, you tried to smother. 761 01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:15,641 You talk of my hatred. 762 01:09:18,112 --> 01:09:20,650 Your hatred was no less. 763 01:09:25,078 --> 01:09:27,411 Your hatred is no less. 764 01:09:29,707 --> 01:09:35,203 I was little and malleable and loving. 765 01:09:35,296 --> 01:09:39,085 You bound me because you wanted my love, 766 01:09:39,175 --> 01:09:43,340 just as you want everyone else's love. 767 01:09:44,138 --> 01:09:46,846 I was utterly at your mercy. 768 01:09:49,060 --> 01:09:52,553 It was all done in the name of love. 769 01:09:52,855 --> 01:09:57,020 You kept saying you loved me and Papa and Helena. 770 01:09:57,902 --> 01:10:01,691 And you were an expert at love's intonations and gestures. 771 01:10:05,326 --> 01:10:08,160 People like you are a menace. 772 01:10:09,789 --> 01:10:13,373 You should be locked away and rendered harmless. 773 01:10:31,018 --> 01:10:33,135 A mother and a daughter. 774 01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:43,480 What a terrible combination 775 01:10:44,449 --> 01:10:49,820 of feelings and confusion and destruction. 776 01:10:51,664 --> 01:10:56,409 Everything is possible and is done in the name of love and solicitude. 777 01:10:59,630 --> 01:11:04,216 The mother's injuries are handed down to the daughter. 778 01:11:06,179 --> 01:11:09,672 The mother's failures are paid for by the daughter. 779 01:11:12,018 --> 01:11:16,353 The mother's unhappiness will be the daughter's unhappiness. 780 01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:22,189 It's as if the umbilical cord had never been cut. 781 01:11:28,618 --> 01:11:30,359 Is that true? 782 01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:35,994 Is the daughter's misfortune the mother's triumph? 783 01:11:43,883 --> 01:11:49,754 Is my grief your secret pleasure? 784 01:12:44,819 --> 01:12:46,902 My back's aching. 785 01:12:48,865 --> 01:12:51,357 Do you mind if I lie down on the floor? 786 01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:54,868 It's the only thing that helps. 787 01:12:58,708 --> 01:13:01,325 I remember very little of my childhood. 788 01:13:02,461 --> 01:13:06,205 I can't recall my parents ever touching me, 789 01:13:06,966 --> 01:13:10,175 either to caress me or to punish me. 790 01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:15,260 I didn't know anything about love, 791 01:13:16,225 --> 01:13:21,141 tenderness, contact, intimacy, warmth. 792 01:13:24,817 --> 01:13:30,063 Only through music did I have a chance to show my feelings. 793 01:13:33,409 --> 01:13:35,992 Sometimes, when I lie awake at night... 794 01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:40,869 I wonder whether I've lived at all. 795 01:13:42,793 --> 01:13:45,581 Is it the same for everybody... 796 01:13:46,589 --> 01:13:51,209 or do some people have a greater talent for living than others? 797 01:13:51,844 --> 01:13:55,758 Or do some people never live? 798 01:13:57,600 --> 01:13:59,637 They just exist. 799 01:14:03,314 --> 01:14:05,772 Then I'm seized by fear. 800 01:14:07,318 --> 01:14:13,235 I'm seized by fear and see a horrible picture of myself. 801 01:14:14,700 --> 01:14:16,942 I never grew up. 802 01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:20,616 My face and my body have aged. 803 01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:25,750 I acquire memories and experiences... 804 01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:31,749 but underneath all that I haven't even been born. 805 01:14:35,262 --> 01:14:37,549 I can't remember any faces... 806 01:14:39,392 --> 01:14:41,179 not even my own. 807 01:14:43,312 --> 01:14:47,727 Sometimes, I try to recall my mother's face... 808 01:14:48,901 --> 01:14:50,893 but I can't see her. 809 01:14:50,987 --> 01:14:55,197 I know she was big and dark and had blue eyes, 810 01:14:55,700 --> 01:14:59,910 a large nose and full lips... 811 01:15:00,913 --> 01:15:03,872 but I can't fit the various pieces together. 812 01:15:07,878 --> 01:15:09,585 I can't see her. 813 01:15:10,047 --> 01:15:14,917 In the same way, I can't see your face or Helena's or Leonardo's. 814 01:15:15,302 --> 01:15:19,012 I remember giving birth to you and your sister, 815 01:15:19,890 --> 01:15:24,430 but all I remember about the deliveries is that they hurt. 816 01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:29,769 But the pain? What was that like? 817 01:15:32,111 --> 01:15:34,023 I don't remember. 818 01:15:37,867 --> 01:15:40,075 Leonardo once said that... 819 01:15:41,370 --> 01:15:43,453 How did he put it, now? 820 01:15:45,166 --> 01:15:49,786 "A sense of reality is a matter of talent. 821 01:15:51,130 --> 01:15:54,464 Most people lack that talent... 822 01:15:55,676 --> 01:15:58,043 and maybe it's just as well." 823 01:15:59,513 --> 01:16:04,133 - Do you know what he meant? - Yes, I do. 824 01:16:07,354 --> 01:16:11,348 - How strange. - Strange? 825 01:16:12,693 --> 01:16:17,188 - I've always been afraid of you. - I can't understand that. 826 01:16:17,281 --> 01:16:21,275 I think I wanted you to take care of me... 827 01:16:22,495 --> 01:16:26,580 to put your arms around me and comfort me. 828 01:16:27,166 --> 01:16:28,907 I was a child. 829 01:16:32,880 --> 01:16:35,839 - Does that matter? - No. 830 01:16:36,175 --> 01:16:38,667 I saw that you loved me, 831 01:16:39,637 --> 01:16:43,927 and I wanted to love you, but I couldn't. 832 01:16:44,850 --> 01:16:46,933 I was afraid of your demands. 833 01:16:48,813 --> 01:16:52,853 - I didn't have any. - I thought you did. 834 01:16:55,194 --> 01:16:57,652 I didn't want to be your mother. 835 01:16:58,906 --> 01:17:02,195 I wanted you to know I was as helpless as you were. 836 01:17:04,036 --> 01:17:05,618 Is that really true? 837 01:17:25,307 --> 01:17:29,017 - What are you thinking about? - Leonardo and Helena. 838 01:17:30,187 --> 01:17:31,928 I don't understand. 839 01:17:33,023 --> 01:17:35,310 They hardly knew each other. 840 01:17:36,861 --> 01:17:40,195 We were together in Bornholm one Easter. 841 01:17:40,406 --> 01:17:42,568 You left after three days. 842 01:17:42,658 --> 01:17:45,196 I was going to play Bartók's First in Geneva. 843 01:17:45,578 --> 01:17:50,698 I wanted to go through the concerto with the conductor in peace and quiet... 844 01:17:51,750 --> 01:17:54,584 so it's possible I did leave earlier. 845 01:17:55,296 --> 01:17:56,787 The weather was awful. 846 01:17:56,881 --> 01:17:59,794 Leonardo was in a bad mood. So were you. 847 01:18:02,803 --> 01:18:06,467 Why are you making me remember all this? 848 01:18:06,557 --> 01:18:08,423 I'll tell you. 849 01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:13,683 You and Leonardo arrived on Thursday. We had a lovely evening together. 850 01:18:13,772 --> 01:18:16,936 We drank wine, sang and laughed 851 01:18:17,026 --> 01:18:20,064 and played some old game we found. 852 01:18:20,154 --> 01:18:25,695 Helena wasn't so ill then. She was happy all evening. 853 01:18:26,660 --> 01:18:32,622 Leonardo was happy because she was. He talked and joked with her. 854 01:18:34,293 --> 01:18:37,001 She fell head over heels in love. 855 01:18:37,630 --> 01:18:40,373 They sat together until late that night. 856 01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:47,505 The next day, Helena told me Leonardo had kissed her. 857 01:18:56,774 --> 01:18:58,936 That evening, we had guests. 858 01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:05,151 Leonardo drank too much and played all the Bach solo suites. 859 01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:09,192 He wasn't himself, 860 01:19:09,995 --> 01:19:12,703 heavy and gentle, as if he were enlarged. 861 01:19:14,500 --> 01:19:18,289 He played badly but beautifully. 862 01:19:20,130 --> 01:19:23,089 Helena sat there in the dusk, beaming. 863 01:19:23,175 --> 01:19:25,167 I've never seen anything like it. 864 01:20:20,316 --> 01:20:23,855 You and I went for a walk. You were chattering away. 865 01:20:23,944 --> 01:20:28,780 I didn't really listen. I was thinking about those two. 866 01:20:31,577 --> 01:20:36,163 When we got home, they were sitting where we'd left them. 867 01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:43,416 You went to bed, and I had to help Leonardo upstairs. 868 01:20:44,715 --> 01:20:47,378 Outside the door of the bedroom, 869 01:20:47,468 --> 01:20:51,462 he stopped, looked at me and said... 870 01:20:53,849 --> 01:20:55,465 "Can you imagine? 871 01:20:56,268 --> 01:21:00,603 There's a butterfly fluttering against the window." 872 01:21:02,399 --> 01:21:07,394 When I went back to Helena, she was sitting bolt upright, 873 01:21:07,780 --> 01:21:10,818 quite relaxed and calm. 874 01:21:12,785 --> 01:21:17,905 There was no trace ofher illness. 875 01:21:21,877 --> 01:21:24,540 I'll never forget her face, Mama. 876 01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:31,300 I'll never forget her face. 877 01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:38,641 The next morning, you left for Geneva... 878 01:21:39,686 --> 01:21:43,100 four days earlier than we had agreed. 879 01:21:44,316 --> 01:21:46,683 When you left, you said casually, 880 01:21:47,111 --> 01:21:51,230 "I asked Leonardo to stay. I see it's doing Helena good." 881 01:21:52,491 --> 01:21:54,153 And you smiled. 882 01:21:56,328 --> 01:22:00,538 Leonardo abruptly became restless and unhappy. 883 01:22:07,548 --> 01:22:12,043 On Easter, he went for a long walk in the rain. 884 01:22:12,136 --> 01:22:16,847 When he came back, he told Helena he was leaving. 885 01:22:17,599 --> 01:22:19,682 He said they'd meet again. 886 01:22:20,519 --> 01:22:25,514 Then he called Geneva and talked to you for an hour. 887 01:22:26,650 --> 01:22:30,519 That evening, he left on the last plane. 888 01:22:44,460 --> 01:22:47,419 During the night, I was woken by Helena crying. 889 01:22:49,006 --> 01:22:52,420 She complained of pain in her hip and right leg. 890 01:22:53,886 --> 01:22:56,674 She didn't think she could hold out until morning. 891 01:22:58,557 --> 01:23:01,550 At 5:00, I had to call an ambulance. 892 01:23:05,981 --> 01:23:08,473 So Lena's illness was my fault? 893 01:23:08,567 --> 01:23:11,059 Yes, I think so. 894 01:23:14,948 --> 01:23:18,737 - You mean that her illness... - Yes. 895 01:23:22,122 --> 01:23:24,409 You don't seriously mean... 896 01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:28,081 When Lena was a year old, you deserted her. 897 01:23:29,546 --> 01:23:32,539 Then you kept deserting both of us all the time. 898 01:23:34,092 --> 01:23:37,836 When Lena got seriously ill, you sent her to a home. 899 01:23:38,889 --> 01:23:41,802 - It can't be true. - What can't be true? 900 01:23:44,019 --> 01:23:46,477 Can you prove otherwise? 901 01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:51,565 Look at me, Mama. 902 01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:55,152 Look at Helena. 903 01:23:57,366 --> 01:23:59,824 There are no excuses. 904 01:24:01,787 --> 01:24:06,578 There is only one truth and one lie. 905 01:24:07,960 --> 01:24:10,327 There can be no forgiveness. 906 01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:13,086 You can't blame me entirely. 907 01:24:13,173 --> 01:24:17,463 You expect an exception to be made for you. 908 01:24:19,596 --> 01:24:22,839 You've set up a sort of discount system with life... 909 01:24:25,477 --> 01:24:30,438 but one day you'll see that your agreement is one-sided. 910 01:24:32,484 --> 01:24:36,148 You'll discover you're carrying guilt, just like everyone else. 911 01:24:37,823 --> 01:24:39,655 What guilt? 912 01:24:45,247 --> 01:24:46,829 Eva, darling. 913 01:24:48,834 --> 01:24:51,952 Won't you forgive me for all the wrong I've done? 914 01:24:53,714 --> 01:24:55,626 I'll try to mend my ways. 915 01:24:57,551 --> 01:25:01,386 You've got to teach me. We'll talk to each other. 916 01:25:04,057 --> 01:25:05,639 But help me. 917 01:25:05,892 --> 01:25:08,384 I can't go on. 918 01:25:08,478 --> 01:25:10,640 Your hatred is so terrible. 919 01:25:12,691 --> 01:25:14,603 I never realized. 920 01:25:14,693 --> 01:25:18,903 I've been selfish and childish. 921 01:25:22,492 --> 01:25:24,700 Can't you put your arms around me? 922 01:25:26,330 --> 01:25:28,538 Touch me, at least. 923 01:25:31,251 --> 01:25:33,038 Help me. 924 01:25:36,214 --> 01:25:38,957 Mama! 925 01:25:41,845 --> 01:25:42,926 Come! 926 01:25:44,264 --> 01:25:46,130 Help me. 927 01:25:47,351 --> 01:25:48,717 Mama! 928 01:25:52,064 --> 01:25:53,145 Come! 929 01:26:38,318 --> 01:26:43,279 Poor little Mama, rushing offlike that. 930 01:26:44,449 --> 01:26:48,784 She looked so frightened and suddenly so old and tired. 931 01:26:50,288 --> 01:26:55,124 Her face had shrunk, and her nose was red from crying. 932 01:26:58,213 --> 01:27:00,455 Now I'll never see her again. 933 01:27:16,690 --> 01:27:20,650 It'll be dark soon, and it's getting cold. 934 01:27:21,903 --> 01:27:25,317 I have to go home and make dinner for Viktor and Helena. 935 01:27:28,160 --> 01:27:30,368 I can't die now. 936 01:27:31,913 --> 01:27:34,530 I'm afraid to commit suicide... 937 01:27:36,334 --> 01:27:39,122 and one day maybe God will have a use for me. 938 01:27:40,630 --> 01:27:42,917 Then he'll set me free from myprison. 939 01:28:00,275 --> 01:28:03,859 I feel so shut out. I'm always homesick. 940 01:28:04,529 --> 01:28:06,566 But when I get home... 941 01:28:07,699 --> 01:28:10,942 I find it's something else I'm longing for. 942 01:28:13,789 --> 01:28:15,826 Are you stroking my cheek? 943 01:28:17,542 --> 01:28:19,784 Are you whispering in my ear? 944 01:28:21,379 --> 01:28:23,211 Are you with me now? 945 01:28:25,467 --> 01:28:28,551 We'll never leave each other. 946 01:29:03,505 --> 01:29:05,838 There's a light on in Helena's room. 947 01:29:07,259 --> 01:29:09,592 Viktor's there, talking to her. 948 01:29:10,762 --> 01:29:13,596 That's good, kind ofhim. 949 01:29:15,851 --> 01:29:18,184 He's telling her Mama has left. 950 01:29:22,691 --> 01:29:24,774 Your mother sent her love. 951 01:29:25,151 --> 01:29:27,985 She was sad and worried. 952 01:29:28,071 --> 01:29:29,687 She'd been crying. 953 01:29:42,294 --> 01:29:45,628 Eva went for a walk. 954 01:29:46,339 --> 01:29:48,956 She was so excited to see her mother. 955 01:29:50,302 --> 01:29:52,544 She hoped for too much. 956 01:29:53,305 --> 01:29:56,264 I hadn't the heart to warn her. 957 01:30:06,318 --> 01:30:09,231 I can't understand what you're saying. 958 01:30:12,240 --> 01:30:14,106 You're saying you want to... 959 01:30:16,828 --> 01:30:19,241 Try to speak calmly, 960 01:30:19,331 --> 01:30:23,041 otherwise I can't understand. 961 01:30:28,798 --> 01:30:30,881 Eva! Come quickly! 962 01:30:49,152 --> 01:30:52,236 Sometimes I stand looking at my wife 963 01:30:52,989 --> 01:30:55,151 without her knowing I'm there. 964 01:30:57,327 --> 01:30:59,159 She's in so much distress. 965 01:31:00,038 --> 01:31:03,031 Since Charlotte left so suddenly, 966 01:31:03,583 --> 01:31:05,916 she has been terribly upset. 967 01:31:07,712 --> 01:31:09,704 She hasn't been able to sleep. 968 01:31:10,382 --> 01:31:16,128 She says she drove her mother away, and she can never forgive herself. 969 01:31:16,221 --> 01:31:20,181 - Are you going out? - Just down to the post office. 970 01:31:20,517 --> 01:31:23,305 Could you please mail this letter for me? 971 01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:24,886 Sure. 972 01:31:26,064 --> 01:31:29,273 - It's to Charlotte? - Read it if you like. 973 01:31:29,359 --> 01:31:31,476 I'm going up to Helena. 974 01:31:36,992 --> 01:31:41,236 "Dear Mama, I realize that I wronged you. 975 01:31:42,247 --> 01:31:45,411 I met you with demands instead of affection. 976 01:31:46,209 --> 01:31:49,953 I tormented you with an old hatred that's no longer real. 977 01:31:50,505 --> 01:31:54,089 I want to ask your forgiveness." 978 01:31:54,175 --> 01:31:57,259 I don't know if this letter will reach you. 979 01:31:57,846 --> 01:32:00,259 I don't even know if you will read it. 980 01:32:02,058 --> 01:32:04,516 Maybe it's already too late. 981 01:32:06,187 --> 01:32:11,228 But I hope all the same that my discovery will not be in vain. 982 01:32:12,235 --> 01:32:14,773 There is a kind of mercy after all. 983 01:32:15,447 --> 01:32:20,488 I mean the enormous opportunity of getting to take care of each other... 984 01:32:22,162 --> 01:32:24,074 to help each other... 985 01:32:25,623 --> 01:32:27,660 to show affection. 986 01:32:30,420 --> 01:32:33,629 I will never let you vanish out of my life again. 987 01:32:35,467 --> 01:32:37,459 I'm going to be persistent. 988 01:32:38,428 --> 01:32:42,172 I won't give up, even if it is too late. 989 01:32:43,558 --> 01:32:45,720 I don't think it is too late. 990 01:32:48,563 --> 01:32:50,976 It can't be too late.