1
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,589
-Opening night
-Opening night
2
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:44,308
It's opening night
3
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,309
It's Max Bialystock's latest show
4
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,314
Will it flop or will it go?
5
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:56,484
The cast is taking its final bow
6
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,487
Here comes the audience now
7
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,324
The doors are open
They're on their way
8
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:06,951
Let's hear what they have to say
9
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:11,997
He's done it again
He's done it again
10
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:15,002
Max Bialystock has done it again
11
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:18,089
We can't believe it
12
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:21,175
You can't conceive it
13
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,929
How'd he achieve it?
14
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,560
It's the worst show in town
15
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:30,524
We sat there sighing
16
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,604
Groaning and crying
17
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,228
There's no denying
18
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:39,532
It's the worst show in town
19
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,743
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss
20
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:47,746
We've seen shit
But never like this
21
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:51,163
Max Bialystock has done it again
22
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,383
The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin'
23
00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,963
What he did to Shakespeare
Booth did to Lincoln
24
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,098
We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.
25
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,933
We couldn't leave faster
26
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,360
What a disaster
27
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,323
We are still in shock
28
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,023
Who produced this schlock?
29
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:27,238
That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock
30
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,493
What a bum
31
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,470
Hello?
32
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:47,091
Mr. Bialystock?
33
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,351
Anybody here?
34
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,435
Mr. Bialystock?
35
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,862
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
36
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,200
What do you want?
37
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,785
Speak to me, dummy. Speak!
38
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:11,497
Why don't you speak?
39
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,868
Scared. Can't talk.
40
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,381
All right, I'm sorry.
41
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:20,426
I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold
of yourself. Come with me.
42
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:23,304
Come on. Come on.
43
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,633
Come on, right this way.
Watch your step.
44
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,843
Look, just--
45
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,303
Take a deep breath.
46
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,645
Let it out slowly.
47
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,608
-Who are you?
-I am Leopold Bloom.
48
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,278
I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks...
49
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:46,741
-...and I've come to do your books.
-Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen--
50
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,954
-Who is it?
-Hold Me-Touch Me.
51
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:53,166
Hold Me-Touch Me.
One of my backers.
52
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:56,377
Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.
53
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,830
Do me a big favour,
go to the bathroom.
54
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:03,841
-But I don't have to go.
-Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.
55
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:09,554
Be with you in a moment,
my darling.
56
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:16,270
Hold Me-Touch Me.
Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?
57
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,107
Kiss Me-Feel Me,
Clinch Me-Pinch Me...
58
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,563
...Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me--
59
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,651
Here she is. Hold Me-Touch Me.
60
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:24,864
You know, it worked.
As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...
61
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:29,783
-...I didn't have any trouble at all--
-Back. Back. Don't make a sound.
62
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:36,037
Coming. Coming.
63
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,309
Hello, gorgeous.
64
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:01,853
-Hold me, touch me.
-As soon as I shut the door.
65
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,194
Did you bring the checkie?
66
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:12,324
Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.
67
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,911
Here you go.
68
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,252
But first,
can we please play a game?
69
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,334
One dirty little game.
70
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,761
All right, my little sex kitten.
71
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,631
What shall we play?
72
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:31,805
The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
73
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,760
-Oh, no.
-No.
74
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,384
How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?
75
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,605
You like that one, mama,
keeps you limber.
76
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,061
I know.
77
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:46,614
Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid
and the Well-Hung Stableboy.
78
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,984
I don't think I have the strength.
79
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:08,291
...this milk is so heavy.
I'll never reach the house.
80
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:12,130
You there, well-hung stableboy.
81
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,883
Won't you please help me?
82
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:22,107
Of course, my little dairy queen.
83
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:25,900
First I'll take your milk.
84
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,398
Then I shall take your virginity!
85
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,484
No! No! Never! Never!
86
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,538
Yes. Yes.
87
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:39,321
Give it to me, well-hung!
Give it to me.
88
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,164
Darling, wait,
I haven't even had coffee yet.
89
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:53,840
Yes. Yes, my darling.
Thursday. Come back Thursday.
90
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:58,351
I'll send you to the moon Thursday.
I may even join you.
91
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,684
But first, the checkie.
92
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:04,764
Where's the checkie?
Come on, come on, find the checkie.
93
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,267
Here you go.
94
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:15,113
I made it out, like you told me,
to the title of the play:
95
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,822
-Cash.
-Yes.
96
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,825
That's a funny name
for a play, Cash.
97
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,793
Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.
98
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,710
I'll see you Thursday.
99
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,964
-Bye.
-Bye. Bye.
100
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,129
Yes, yes, yes.
101
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,137
You dirty old buzzard.
102
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,481
May I come out of the bathroom now,
Mr. Bialystock?
103
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:44,649
-Yeah, sure.
-I'm terribly sorry I caught you...
104
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:50,393
-...feeling up the old lady.
-" Feeling up the old lady."
105
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,606
Thank you, Mr. Tact.
106
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,908
-May I take your coat?
-Oh, thank you.
107
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,993
So you're an accountant, huh?
108
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,571
-Yes, sir. I am, sir.
-Then account for yourself!
109
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,827
Why are you looking up little
old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?
110
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,710
I know what you're thinking.
111
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,590
How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts.
112
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,170
-Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn--
-Shut up!
113
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,875
I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
114
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:18,223
-Do you know who I used to be?
-Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...
115
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:22,810
-...the king of Broadway.
-No, I'm Max Bialy-- That's right.
116
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:26,022
-That's right.
-And might I say, Mr. Bialystock--
117
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,688
And please don't take this
the wrong way...
118
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,571
-...but you're not just a dirty old man.
-Thank you.
119
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,899
Oh, you're also
a great Broadway producer.
120
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,951
And there's something about me
you should know.
121
00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,655
When I was a kid...
122
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:43,821
...I had the good fortune
to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.
123
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:46,034
-Oh, Bialy-Hoos.
-Yes.
124
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,123
And I still have the ticket stub.
125
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,248
-Oh, look at that.
-Yeah.
126
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:54,550
And ever since,
I've had a secret desire...
127
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,632
...to be a Broadway producer.
128
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,255
A secret desire, huh?
129
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:03,809
-Kid, can I give you some advice?
-Yes, sir.
130
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,428
Keep it a secret.
Do the books, please.
131
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,724
Top drawer, to the left.
132
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,907
Oh, my God.
133
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,952
Will you look at that.
134
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:25,203
That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
135
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,580
Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?
136
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,707
-A minute?
-Yes.
137
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,168
-Just one minute?
-Yes.
138
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,422
-Okay.
-ln glancing at your books...
139
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,969
-Go! You have 58 seconds left.
-...I noticed that in the column--
140
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,469
-You're gonna time it?
-Time is money.
141
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:44,850
I looked at your books and the
columns marked "monies received."
142
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:48,015
-And I can't make the figures work out.
-Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.
143
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:51,814
-There's a problem with your figures.
-Twenty-eight. Running out of time.
144
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:54,352
-Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
-I cannot--
145
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,610
-Fifteen seconds.
-I cannot-- I can't function.
146
00:10:56,823 --> 00:11:00,073
-I cannot function in these conditions.
-Five, four, three, two, one.
147
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:09,251
What? This? No, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
148
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:13,708
Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?
149
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:18,374
My blanket. My blue blanket!
150
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,086
Give me back my blue blanket!
151
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:27,139
Give me my blanket! Give it to me.
Give it to me. Give me the blanket.
152
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,062
Give it to me! Give it to me!
153
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,350
Here, here, here.
154
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,854
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.
155
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,029
I....
156
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,438
I'm sorry.
157
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,494
It's just that I don't like anyone
touching my blue blanket.
158
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,906
It's not important,
it's a minor compulsion.
159
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,950
I can deal with it if I want to.
160
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:53,829
But I've had it ever since I was a baby,
and I find it very comforting.
161
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,420
I need to lie down for a minute now.
162
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,256
They come here. They all come here.
163
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:08,926
How do they find me?
164
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,892
Hey, kid. Hey.
165
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,979
Look at this.
166
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,605
How can I help you?
167
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,228
-What's wrong?
-You're gonna jump on me.
168
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,240
-What?
-You're gonna jump on me.
169
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:26,282
I know you're gonna jump on me
and squash me like a bug.
170
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,405
-Oh, God.
-Please, don't jump on me!
171
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:31,244
I'm not gonna jump on you!
I'm not gonna jump on you!
172
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:34,081
Get ahold of yourself!
Stop it! Stop it!
173
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,288
Stop! Calm down!
174
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,664
Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
175
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:42,003
-What's the matter now?
-I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.
176
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:46,514
I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
177
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:50,308
I can see that.
All right. All right, calm down.
178
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,892
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.
179
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,408
I'm wet!
180
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,322
I'm wet.
I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
181
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,831
I'm in pain.
182
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,951
I'm in pain, I'm wet...
183
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:16,742
...and I'm still hysterical.
184
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:21,421
All right, all right. What can I do?
You're getting me hysterical.
185
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:22,833
Move away, you frighten me.
186
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:24,333
-You're too close.
-I frighten you?
187
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:28,172
Yes, get over there and stop
touching-- Move over there! Sit down.
188
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,633
I'm sitting, I'm sitting.
189
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,430
You still look angry.
190
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,516
I'm sorry. How's this?
191
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,734
Who's my little accountant?
192
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,981
Who's my little accountant?
193
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:51,034
Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?
194
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,039
-Are you my little accountant?
-I am.
195
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,242
Yes, you are.
196
00:13:56,711 --> 00:14:00,045
Well, thank you for smiling.
That helped a great deal.
197
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,799
Well, you know what they say:
198
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:05,128
"Smile and the world smiles
with you."
199
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,550
This man should be
in a straightjacket.
200
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,552
-You feeling better?
-Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.
201
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,224
-Good.
-May I speak to you?
202
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,644
Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?
203
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:20,225
Well, this is hardly
the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.
204
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,352
I've discovered a serious error...
205
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,275
...in the accounts of your last show,
Funny Boy.
206
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,242
-Where? What?
-Well, according to the backers list...
207
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:33,659
...you raised $100,000.
But your show only cost 98,000.
208
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,617
There's 2000 unaccounted for.
209
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:38,289
I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares?
210
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,745
The show was a flop.
Bloom, do me a favour...
211
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:44,463
...move a few decimal points around.
You can do it, you're an accountant.
212
00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:48,590
You're part of a noble profession.
The word "count" is part of your title.
213
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:51,592
-That's cheating.
-It's not cheating.
214
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,468
It's charity.
215
00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,724
Bloom...
216
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,431
...you see this stickpin?
217
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,055
This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.
218
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:05,518
I used to wear handmade
ltalian shoes, $500 suits.
219
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:06,770
And look at me now.
220
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:11,319
Look at me now!
I'm wearing a cardboard belt.
221
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,751
Bloom, you gotta save me.
222
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,205
I'm reaching out to you.
223
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,125
Don't send me to prison.
224
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:27,005
Help me.
225
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:34,343
All right. All right.
Okay, I'll do it.
226
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:35,970
-Really?
-Yes, I'll do it.
227
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,890
See, $2000 isn't so much.
228
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,014
I'm sure I can hide it someplace.
229
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:44,732
After all, the lRS isn't interested
in a show that flopped.
230
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,984
Right. Good thinking.
231
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:50,815
You figure it out.
I'm gonna take a little nap.
232
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:52,773
Now, let's see.
233
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,244
Let's see, if we add up
these deductions, we get....
234
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,994
Carry the three, divide by four....
235
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,498
Amazing.
236
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:06,169
It's absolutely amazing, but...
237
00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:07,925
...under the right circumstances...
238
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,672
...a producer could
make more money with a flop...
239
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,927
...than he could with a hit.
240
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:16,591
Yes, it's quite possible. lf he were
certain that a show would fail...
241
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,182
...a man could make a fortune.
242
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,269
-Yes?
-Yes, what?
243
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,268
-What you were saying. Keep talking.
-What was I saying?
244
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,978
You were saying that a producer...
245
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,519
...could make more money
with a flop than a hit.
246
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,363
Well, yes. It's quite possible.
247
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,732
You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.
248
00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:36,818
Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.
249
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:40,538
Let's assume for a moment
that you are a dishonest man.
250
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:41,948
Assume away.
251
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,502
All right. When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy...
252
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:48,465
...you raised $2000
more than you needed.
253
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,466
But you could've raised a million...
254
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,382
...put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.
255
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,550
-But what if my show was a hit?
-Then you would go to jail.
256
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,889
See, rather than 100 percent
of the show...
257
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,260
...you would've sold
more than 1000 percent.
258
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:05,014
So if the show's a success,
there's no way to pay off the backers.
259
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,727
-Get it?
-Got it.
260
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,146
So in order for our scheme to work,
we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.
261
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,155
"Our scheme''? What scheme?
262
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:14,271
What scheme?
263
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:17,363
Your scheme,
you bloody little genius.
264
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:21,078
I meant no scheme. I merely posed
a little academic accounting theory.
265
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,414
-It was just a thought.
-Bloom...
266
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,746
...worlds are turned
on such thoughts.
267
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,498
Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
268
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:31,915
It's so simple.
269
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:34,460
Step one,
we find the worst play ever written.
270
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,802
Step two,
we hire the worst director in town.
271
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,809
-Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.
-Two?
272
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:43,434
Yes, one for me, one for you. There's
a lot of little old ladies out there.
273
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,932
Step four, we hire the worst actors
in New York and open on Broadway.
274
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,771
And before you can say "step five,''
we close on Broadway...
275
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,857
...take our 2 million and go to Rio.
276
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,611
Rio? That'd never work.
277
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:58,233
Oh, ye of little faith.
278
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,661
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything looked bleak?
279
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,583
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
280
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:08,629
As they struggled
Toward Everest's peak?
281
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,630
What did Washington say
To his troops
282
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,833
As they crossed the Delaware?
283
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:16,751
I'm sure you're well aware
284
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,715
What'd they say?
285
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:21,719
We can do it
286
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:23,762
We can do it
287
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,059
We can do it
Me and you
288
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,899
We can do it
289
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,983
We can do it
290
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,398
We can make our dreams come true
291
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,486
Everything you've ever wanted
292
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:41,987
Is just waiting to be had
293
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:45,574
Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls
294
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,579
Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad
295
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,455
No.
296
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:53,706
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.
297
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:57,508
Hear me out. Just think about it.
298
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:10,767
Stop!
299
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,695
We can do it
We can do it
300
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:17,070
This is not the time to shirk
301
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:20,199
We can do it
You won't rue it
302
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,494
Say goodbye to petty clerk
303
00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,789
Hi, producer
Yes, producer
304
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,369
I mean you, sir
Go berserk
305
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,707
We can do it
We can do it
306
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:38,217
And I know it's gonna work
307
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,504
What do you say, Bloom?
308
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,216
What do I say?
309
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:46,015
Finally, a chance to be
A Broadway producer
310
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:47,425
What do I say?
311
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:50,896
Finally, a chance to make
My dreams come true, sir
312
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,978
What do I say?
What do I say?
313
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:58,061
Here's what I say to you, sir
314
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:02,568
I can't do it
I can't do it
315
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:06,202
I can't do it
That's not me
316
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:09,415
I'm a loser
I'm a coward
317
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:12,746
I'm a chicken
Don't you see?
318
00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:15,833
When it comes to wooing women
319
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,465
There's a few things that I lack
320
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:22,881
Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls
321
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:26,264
Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
322
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,927
Why, you miserable, cowardly,
wretched little caterpillar.
323
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:34,774
Don't you ever wanna become
a butterfly?
324
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,614
-Where to?
-Central Park.
325
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,534
Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.
326
00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,622
-We can do it
-Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song
327
00:20:58,842 --> 00:21:00,834
You've got me wrong
I'll say ''so long''
328
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:02,879
I'm not as strong a person
As you think
329
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,421
Mr. Bialystock, just take a look
I'm not a crook
330
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,890
-Drink champagne, not ginger ale
-I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink
331
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,807
-Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?
-I can't do it
332
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:15,640
You see Rio, I see jail
333
00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:18,101
Driver, stop.
334
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,156
Here.
335
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:31,247
-We can do it
-I can't do it
336
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,375
-We can do it
-I can't do it
337
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:35,914
-We can do it
-I can't do it
338
00:21:36,129 --> 00:21:37,707
-We can do it
-I can't do it
339
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,758
-We can do it
-I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it
340
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:46,341
'Cause I know it's gonna fail
341
00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:50,677
Fail? How could it miss?
All you need is a little courage.
342
00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:53,432
Bloom, you know what you are?
You're like a--
343
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,438
You're like a....
344
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:59,812
You're like a fountain waiting
to explode and shoot into the sky!
345
00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:02,519
-I'm a fountain?
-Yes, you're a fountain!
346
00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:07,484
Don't you realize? There's a lot more
to you than there is to you.
347
00:22:07,702 --> 00:22:11,652
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.
348
00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:14,198
You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.
349
00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,087
I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.
350
00:22:17,295 --> 00:22:20,629
-Goodbye forever.
-Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.
351
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:26,179
Think about it. You'll never get a cab
at this hour! Bloom.
352
00:22:30,684 --> 00:22:33,887
Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...
353
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:37,891
...I want that money!
354
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:03,124
Unhappy
Unhappy
355
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:06,544
Very unhappy
356
00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:09,632
Unhappy
Unhappy
357
00:23:09,848 --> 00:23:15,055
Very, very, very, very, very
Very, very unhappy
358
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,188
Bloom!
359
00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:25,106
Where the hell have you been?
360
00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:28,026
You are six minutes late.
This is an accounting firm...
361
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:31,195
...not a country club.
You can't come and go as you please.
362
00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:35,574
-Yes, Mr. Marks.
-Remember, you're a nobody.
363
00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:39,574
A PA. A public accountant.
364
00:23:39,794 --> 00:23:45,133
And I am a CPA.
A certified public accountant.
365
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:50,506
A rank a miserable little worm like
yourself could never hope to achieve.
366
00:23:50,722 --> 00:23:53,260
Yes, Mr. Marks.
Thank you for speaking to me.
367
00:23:53,475 --> 00:23:54,969
You're welcome.
368
00:23:55,185 --> 00:23:56,976
What are you gawking at?
369
00:23:57,187 --> 00:23:59,429
You never saw a person
humiliated before?
370
00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:03,562
Now, get back to work. All of you!
371
00:24:03,777 --> 00:24:06,647
Unhappy
Unhappy
372
00:24:06,863 --> 00:24:11,905
Very, very, very, very
Very, very, very unhappy
373
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:23,004
I spend my life accounting
374
00:24:23,213 --> 00:24:26,664
-With figures and such
-Unhappy
375
00:24:26,883 --> 00:24:29,670
To what is my life amounting?
376
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:33,385
-It figures, not much
-Unhappy
377
00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:39,933
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
378
00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:43,350
It sets my heart afire
379
00:24:43,566 --> 00:24:48,727
To see me in this role
380
00:24:57,664 --> 00:25:00,581
I wanna be a producer
381
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:04,410
With a hit show on Broadway
382
00:25:04,629 --> 00:25:10,999
I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi's every day
383
00:25:11,594 --> 00:25:14,346
I want to be a producer
384
00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:18,221
Sport a top hat and a cane
385
00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:24,805
I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane
386
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,998
I wanna be a producer
387
00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:50,914
And sleep until half past 2
388
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:56,970
I wanna be a producer
And say, ''You, you, you--''
389
00:25:57,515 --> 00:26:01,513
Not you.
390
00:26:01,770 --> 00:26:04,557
I wanna be a producer
391
00:26:04,773 --> 00:26:09,269
Wear a tux on opening night
392
00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:16,445
I wanna be a producer
393
00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:19,067
And see my name, Leo Bloom
In lights
394
00:27:25,395 --> 00:27:28,312
He wants to be a producer
395
00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:32,355
Of a great big Broadway smash
396
00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:35,439
He wants to be a producer
397
00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:39,653
Every pocket stuffed with cash
398
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:42,703
He wants to be a producer
399
00:27:42,912 --> 00:27:45,582
Pinch our cheeks till we cry
400
00:27:47,292 --> 00:27:48,572
Yes.
401
00:27:48,793 --> 00:27:55,163
He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch
402
00:28:33,213 --> 00:28:34,755
-I wanna be
-He wants to be
403
00:28:34,964 --> 00:28:36,375
-I wanna be
-He wants to be
404
00:28:36,591 --> 00:28:38,251
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
405
00:28:38,468 --> 00:28:44,341
And most fabulous producer
In the world
406
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:47,428
He's gotta dine
With a duchess and a duke
407
00:28:48,978 --> 00:28:51,766
I just got to be a producer
408
00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:54,188
Drink champagne until I puke
409
00:28:54,401 --> 00:28:58,529
-Drink champagne till he pukes
-I wanna be a producer
410
00:28:58,738 --> 00:29:02,107
Show the world just what I got
411
00:29:02,325 --> 00:29:06,157
I'm gonna put on shows
That will enthral them
412
00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:09,123
Read my name in Winchell's column
413
00:29:09,666 --> 00:29:13,117
I wanna be a producer
414
00:29:24,139 --> 00:29:30,473
-'Cause it's everything I'm not
-Unhappy
415
00:29:30,687 --> 00:29:32,015
Unhappy
416
00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:37,900
-I wanna be a producer
-Very, very unhappy
417
00:29:38,111 --> 00:29:42,025
-Unhappy
-I wanna be a produce--
418
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,609
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold everything.
419
00:29:45,827 --> 00:29:47,452
Hold everything!
420
00:29:47,662 --> 00:29:51,327
What am I doing here?
Mr. Bialystock was right.
421
00:29:51,541 --> 00:29:54,625
There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.
422
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:59,165
Stop the world, I wanna get on!
423
00:30:01,009 --> 00:30:03,167
What the hell is going on in here?
424
00:30:03,386 --> 00:30:08,428
Do I smell the revolting stench
of self-esteem?
425
00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:11,477
Bloom,
where do you think you're going?
426
00:30:11,686 --> 00:30:15,186
You've already had
your toilet break.
427
00:30:15,398 --> 00:30:19,526
I'm not going into the toilet.
I'm going into show business.
428
00:30:20,528 --> 00:30:23,862
And, Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!
429
00:30:24,074 --> 00:30:26,612
And you were right about one thing,
you are a CPA.
430
00:30:26,826 --> 00:30:30,076
-A certified public asshole!
-Hooray!
431
00:30:30,288 --> 00:30:31,569
Here's my visor...
432
00:30:31,790 --> 00:30:35,040
...my Dixon Ticonderoga
number 2 pencil...
433
00:30:35,251 --> 00:30:37,577
...and my big finish!
434
00:30:37,796 --> 00:30:40,880
I'm gonna be a producer
435
00:30:41,091 --> 00:30:43,463
He's gonna be a producer
436
00:30:43,677 --> 00:30:46,677
-Look out, Broadway
-Look out, Broadway
437
00:30:46,888 --> 00:30:52,309
'Cause here I come
438
00:31:07,409 --> 00:31:09,900
Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.
439
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:14,413
I'm back! I'm back.
I've changed my mind.
440
00:31:14,624 --> 00:31:16,913
Boy, you are good.
441
00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:21,328
-Who are you talking to?
-Never mind, just an old friend.
442
00:31:21,965 --> 00:31:23,708
-What happened?
-Oh, just this--
443
00:31:23,925 --> 00:31:27,543
Just this: When I said that I was
scared that I was gonna go to jail...
444
00:31:27,762 --> 00:31:31,594
...I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.
445
00:31:31,808 --> 00:31:34,595
I've spent my life counting
other people's money.
446
00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:37,017
People I'm smarter than...
447
00:31:37,230 --> 00:31:38,938
...better than.
448
00:31:39,149 --> 00:31:42,019
When's Leopold Bloom
gonna get his share?
449
00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:47,063
When's it gonna be Bloom's day?
I want-- I want--
450
00:31:49,284 --> 00:31:54,076
I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.
451
00:31:55,123 --> 00:31:57,958
And, Leo, you're gonna have it.
Because....
452
00:31:58,168 --> 00:32:02,628
-We can do it, we can do it
-I'm gonna be a producer
453
00:32:02,839 --> 00:32:05,840
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
454
00:32:06,051 --> 00:32:09,301
-With your brilliance, my resilience
-I'm gonna be a producer
455
00:32:09,512 --> 00:32:12,466
-Up together we will zoom
-Up together we will zoom
456
00:32:12,682 --> 00:32:15,719
-We can do it, we can do it
-We can do it, we can do it
457
00:32:15,935 --> 00:32:19,055
Every show I touch I doom
458
00:32:19,272 --> 00:32:20,814
-We were fated
-We were fated
459
00:32:21,024 --> 00:32:22,566
-To be mated
-To be mated
460
00:32:22,776 --> 00:32:29,146
-We're Bialystock and Bloom
-We're Bialystock and Bloom
461
00:32:44,714 --> 00:32:46,208
Oh, Max....
462
00:32:46,424 --> 00:32:49,509
Oh, Max, let's give up.
I can't read anymore.
463
00:32:49,719 --> 00:32:53,219
-How many plays can a person read?
-Stop complaining.
464
00:32:53,431 --> 00:32:55,507
We have to find the worst play
ever written.
465
00:32:55,725 --> 00:32:57,634
-I've been reading all night.
-Who cares?
466
00:32:57,852 --> 00:33:01,056
You wanna be a producer, read,
read. Keep reading.
467
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:04,810
Here's one.
468
00:33:05,026 --> 00:33:06,853
Act I, scene one.
469
00:33:07,070 --> 00:33:09,608
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning
to discover...
470
00:33:09,823 --> 00:33:14,200
...that he had been transformed
into a giant cockroach."
471
00:33:15,495 --> 00:33:17,653
No, too good.
472
00:33:20,834 --> 00:33:24,666
" But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted."
473
00:33:24,879 --> 00:33:28,711
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've read this before.
474
00:33:28,925 --> 00:33:33,089
I think I've read this one before.
What's it called? What's it called?
475
00:33:33,304 --> 00:33:34,882
The Frosted Glass.
476
00:33:35,098 --> 00:33:37,719
Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.
477
00:33:37,934 --> 00:33:39,891
I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.
478
00:33:40,103 --> 00:33:43,721
Let's face it, we'll never find it.
479
00:33:52,032 --> 00:33:55,032
We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
480
00:33:55,243 --> 00:33:58,244
We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
481
00:33:58,455 --> 00:34:01,740
Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.
482
00:34:01,958 --> 00:34:04,663
Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.
483
00:34:04,878 --> 00:34:06,158
It's the mother lode.
484
00:34:06,379 --> 00:34:08,419
-What is it? You found a flop?
-A flop.
485
00:34:08,631 --> 00:34:10,375
That's putting it mildly.
486
00:34:10,592 --> 00:34:12,300
This is a catastrophe.
487
00:34:12,510 --> 00:34:16,971
A disaster certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds and religions.
488
00:34:17,182 --> 00:34:20,385
A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night
beauty.
489
00:34:20,602 --> 00:34:23,353
-Well, let's see it.
-Here.
490
00:34:26,358 --> 00:34:28,397
''Springtime for Hitler...
491
00:34:28,610 --> 00:34:32,442
...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf
at Berchtesgaden."
492
00:34:34,908 --> 00:34:37,114
Oh, my God.
493
00:34:37,702 --> 00:34:38,947
"Oh, my God" is right.
494
00:34:39,162 --> 00:34:42,163
It's practically a love letter to Hitler.
495
00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:45,956
-Max, this won't run a week.
-A week? Are you kidding?
496
00:34:46,169 --> 00:34:49,620
This play has got to close
on page four.
497
00:34:49,839 --> 00:34:51,215
What's the author's name again?
498
00:34:51,424 --> 00:34:55,802
" Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,
New York, New York."
499
00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:59,097
Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.
500
00:34:59,307 --> 00:35:03,803
Let's go. We'll get the Broadway
rights to Springtime for Hitler...
501
00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:06,096
...even if we have to go so far
as to pay him.
502
00:35:07,190 --> 00:35:09,811
-Come on.
-This other hat, Max...
503
00:35:10,026 --> 00:35:11,485
...may I wear it?
504
00:35:11,695 --> 00:35:13,734
-No, you may not.
-Why?
505
00:35:13,947 --> 00:35:18,194
Because that
is a Broadway producer's hat.
506
00:35:18,410 --> 00:35:20,817
You don't get to wear
a Broadway producer's hat, son...
507
00:35:21,037 --> 00:35:23,326
...until you're a Broadway producer.
508
00:35:23,540 --> 00:35:25,331
And you're not
a Broadway producer until--
509
00:35:25,542 --> 00:35:28,911
I know, I know. Until I've produced
a show on Broadway.
510
00:35:29,129 --> 00:35:32,829
But I'm going to wear that hat,
and soon too, because....
511
00:35:33,049 --> 00:35:36,050
We're gonna be the producers
512
00:35:36,261 --> 00:35:40,341
Of a great big Broadway flop
513
00:35:49,733 --> 00:35:49,981
Ja, ja, my Lieblings.
514
00:35:53,987 --> 00:35:55,861
Let me grab you here.
515
00:35:56,072 --> 00:35:58,148
We have work to do.
516
00:35:58,366 --> 00:36:02,530
Hilda, my darling. Here, I have
written an important message...
517
00:36:02,746 --> 00:36:06,660
...which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf.
518
00:36:06,875 --> 00:36:10,955
29 West Santiago Boulevard...
519
00:36:11,171 --> 00:36:13,543
...Buenos Aires, Argentina.
520
00:36:13,757 --> 00:36:15,666
AQAP.
521
00:36:15,884 --> 00:36:17,508
As quick as possible.
522
00:36:18,762 --> 00:36:20,671
Good.
523
00:36:20,889 --> 00:36:24,388
Fly, Hilda. Fly!
524
00:36:24,976 --> 00:36:27,052
Hilda, where are you going?
525
00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:29,726
Argentina's that way!
526
00:36:30,690 --> 00:36:32,482
Okay, chow time.
527
00:36:38,531 --> 00:36:41,069
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Goes right into your belly.
528
00:36:41,284 --> 00:36:44,238
It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting this is our man.
529
00:36:44,454 --> 00:36:48,831
Max, he's wearing a German helmet
and lederhosen.
530
00:36:49,042 --> 00:36:51,877
Yeah, I know. Don't notice them.
Don't notice anything.
531
00:36:52,087 --> 00:36:55,919
Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.
532
00:36:57,217 --> 00:36:59,423
Franz Liebkind?
533
00:36:59,636 --> 00:37:02,756
I was never a member
of the Nazi Party!
534
00:37:02,972 --> 00:37:04,467
I only followed orders.
535
00:37:04,683 --> 00:37:07,055
I had nothing to do with the war.
536
00:37:07,268 --> 00:37:09,261
I didn't even know
there was a war on.
537
00:37:10,146 --> 00:37:11,806
We lived in the back...
538
00:37:12,023 --> 00:37:13,648
...right across from Switzerland.
539
00:37:13,858 --> 00:37:16,147
All we ever heard was yodelling.
540
00:37:23,284 --> 00:37:25,277
-Who are you?!
-Relax.
541
00:37:25,495 --> 00:37:27,618
Mr. Liebkind,
we're not from the government.
542
00:37:27,831 --> 00:37:30,119
We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom...
543
00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:33,085
-...here to talk to you about your play.
-My play?
544
00:37:33,294 --> 00:37:35,964
You mean Springtime for...
545
00:37:36,464 --> 00:37:38,623
-...you-know-who?
-That's the one.
546
00:37:38,842 --> 00:37:41,961
-What about it?
-We love it. Don't we love it?
547
00:37:42,178 --> 00:37:45,547
-We think it's a masterpiece.
-We want to put it on Broadway.
548
00:37:45,765 --> 00:37:49,300
Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.
549
00:37:49,519 --> 00:37:51,975
Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.
550
00:37:58,695 --> 00:38:00,853
...Adolf.
551
00:38:01,072 --> 00:38:02,531
Do you hear?
552
00:38:02,741 --> 00:38:06,156
We are finally going to clear
the Führer's name.
553
00:38:07,912 --> 00:38:09,572
Broadway!
554
00:38:10,707 --> 00:38:13,245
You know,
not many people know this...
555
00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:17,160
-...but the Führer was a terrific dancer.
-Really?
556
00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:21,212
-We didn't know that, did we, Leo?
-No, no, we sure didn't.
557
00:38:21,426 --> 00:38:25,127
That's because you were taken in
by the BBC!
558
00:38:25,347 --> 00:38:28,431
Filthy British lies!
559
00:38:28,641 --> 00:38:33,185
But did they ever say a bad word
about Winston Churchill?
560
00:38:33,396 --> 00:38:35,685
Churchill!
561
00:38:36,524 --> 00:38:41,151
With his cigars, with his brandy
and his rotten paintings.
562
00:38:41,363 --> 00:38:42,857
Rotten!
563
00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:44,353
Hitler.
564
00:38:44,574 --> 00:38:46,234
There was a painter.
565
00:38:46,451 --> 00:38:49,368
He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon.
566
00:38:49,579 --> 00:38:51,488
Two coats.
567
00:38:51,706 --> 00:38:53,995
Yes. Yes.
568
00:38:54,209 --> 00:38:56,497
Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind.
569
00:38:56,711 --> 00:38:59,498
And that is exactly why
we wanna produce your play.
570
00:38:59,714 --> 00:39:02,881
Show the world the true Hitler.
The Hitler you loved...
571
00:39:03,093 --> 00:39:06,711
...the Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.
572
00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,966
Here, Franz Liebkind.
Sign here...
573
00:39:10,183 --> 00:39:12,389
...and make your dream a reality.
574
00:39:13,603 --> 00:39:15,643
-No.
-That's what ''nein'' means.
575
00:39:15,855 --> 00:39:19,805
First you must prove to me
that you believe as I believe...
576
00:39:20,026 --> 00:39:24,569
...by joining with me and singing and
dancing the Führer's favourite tune:
577
00:39:24,781 --> 00:39:26,738
" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
578
00:39:27,617 --> 00:39:29,076
I know.
579
00:39:29,285 --> 00:39:31,574
-" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"?
-" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
580
00:39:31,788 --> 00:39:33,781
No. I could never sing
the Führer's favourite...
581
00:39:33,998 --> 00:39:35,161
Delighted. Delighted.
582
00:39:35,375 --> 00:39:37,996
-...song.
-Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.
583
00:39:38,211 --> 00:39:41,580
All right. First you will roll up
your pants.
584
00:39:44,551 --> 00:39:46,424
-Rolling?
-Rolling.
585
00:39:46,636 --> 00:39:48,878
-Don't be stingy. Show some leg.
-Alrighty.
586
00:39:49,097 --> 00:39:50,342
-Good.
-Good.
587
00:39:50,557 --> 00:39:52,466
-Key of E?
-ls there any other?
588
00:39:56,813 --> 00:40:00,264
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
589
00:40:00,483 --> 00:40:04,066
Ach, du lieber
Und oh, boy
590
00:40:04,279 --> 00:40:07,944
Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
591
00:40:08,158 --> 00:40:10,731
Ach, du lieber
What a joy
592
00:40:10,952 --> 00:40:15,365
Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trinken
593
00:40:15,582 --> 00:40:19,117
Tanzen und trinken
Until we get stinkin'
594
00:40:19,336 --> 00:40:22,005
-Everybody!
-Guten Tag hop hop
595
00:40:22,213 --> 00:40:23,672
Guten Tag clop clop
596
00:40:24,174 --> 00:40:27,673
Guten Tag
Mein lieber Schatz
597
00:40:27,886 --> 00:40:31,385
So we hop our hops
Und we clop our clops
598
00:40:31,598 --> 00:40:35,975
Und we drink our Schnaps
Till we platz
599
00:40:36,186 --> 00:40:38,759
You will sway?
600
00:40:39,689 --> 00:40:42,560
We will sway.
601
00:40:49,949 --> 00:40:51,657
Follow me.
602
00:40:51,868 --> 00:40:53,695
Very good.
603
00:41:10,428 --> 00:41:12,504
Whatever you say.
604
00:41:13,181 --> 00:41:16,182
This is a tricky one
605
00:41:31,074 --> 00:41:34,858
Oh, the Hop-Clop.
It's been so long!
606
00:41:39,708 --> 00:41:42,163
Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
607
00:41:49,759 --> 00:41:52,546
Gentlemen, you may
produce my play.
608
00:41:53,888 --> 00:41:55,347
Excellent. Excellent.
609
00:41:55,557 --> 00:41:57,845
Here we are. Here.
610
00:41:58,601 --> 00:42:01,852
But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.
611
00:42:02,063 --> 00:42:03,890
The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?
612
00:42:04,107 --> 00:42:07,523
A pledge of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Führer.
613
00:42:07,736 --> 00:42:09,016
Never...
614
00:42:09,237 --> 00:42:11,313
...took that oath before.
615
00:42:11,531 --> 00:42:14,947
One for me, one for you,
und one for you.
616
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:18,493
Never-- Had one of those on before.
Thanks very much.
617
00:42:18,705 --> 00:42:20,994
-You're welcome.
-Nice colours.
618
00:42:21,207 --> 00:42:22,915
Oh, look, reversible.
619
00:42:23,126 --> 00:42:25,582
-Oh, yeah, you're right.
-Max.
620
00:42:25,795 --> 00:42:28,333
Max, we never
should have started this.
621
00:42:28,548 --> 00:42:30,671
I think we're getting in too deep.
622
00:42:30,884 --> 00:42:32,876
Too deep? This is nothing.
623
00:42:33,094 --> 00:42:35,764
I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.
624
00:42:35,972 --> 00:42:37,466
All right.
625
00:42:37,682 --> 00:42:40,173
First, you will raise
your right forefinger...
626
00:42:40,393 --> 00:42:42,433
...und repeat after me.
627
00:42:42,645 --> 00:42:45,018
I solemnly swear...
628
00:42:45,231 --> 00:42:48,850
-I solemnly swear...
-I solemnly swear...
629
00:42:49,069 --> 00:42:52,105
...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
630
00:42:52,322 --> 00:42:56,272
-...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
-...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
631
00:42:56,493 --> 00:42:58,284
-Und...
-Und...
632
00:42:58,495 --> 00:42:59,693
Und...
633
00:42:59,913 --> 00:43:02,119
...never, never, never...
634
00:43:02,332 --> 00:43:05,915
-...never, never, never...
-...never, never, never...
635
00:43:07,712 --> 00:43:13,382
...dishonour the spirit und the memory
of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
636
00:43:13,593 --> 00:43:16,760
-...dishonour the spirit und the--
-...dishonour the spirit und the--
637
00:43:16,971 --> 00:43:18,300
-Elizabeth?
-Elizabeth?
638
00:43:18,515 --> 00:43:22,429
Ja, that was his middle name.
639
00:43:22,644 --> 00:43:24,304
Not many people know this...
640
00:43:24,521 --> 00:43:30,808
...but the Führer was descended
from a long line of English queens.
641
00:43:35,323 --> 00:43:37,363
ls that right?
642
00:43:38,618 --> 00:43:40,160
Yes.
643
00:43:40,745 --> 00:43:43,497
-Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
-Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
644
00:43:43,707 --> 00:43:47,076
-Good. Now I sign your contract.
-Excellent! Excellent.
645
00:43:47,293 --> 00:43:50,378
Here we are, sir.
Right here on the dotted line.
646
00:43:51,214 --> 00:43:53,005
There you are.
You shall never regret this.
647
00:43:53,216 --> 00:43:56,170
So thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty, then.
648
00:43:56,386 --> 00:43:58,260
Thank you.
649
00:44:01,391 --> 00:44:03,430
Let it go. Let it go.
650
00:44:03,643 --> 00:44:05,268
Halt!
651
00:44:05,478 --> 00:44:06,854
I forgot to tell you.
652
00:44:09,065 --> 00:44:12,517
The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath...
653
00:44:12,736 --> 00:44:14,859
...is dess.
654
00:44:15,071 --> 00:44:16,863
" Dess"?
655
00:44:17,073 --> 00:44:18,781
ls that anything like ''death"?
656
00:44:18,992 --> 00:44:21,399
Yeth.
657
00:44:23,038 --> 00:44:24,698
Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...
658
00:44:24,914 --> 00:44:27,999
...we'll iron out all these
thorny details over strudel.
659
00:44:28,209 --> 00:44:30,332
Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go....
660
00:44:34,090 --> 00:44:37,044
We're trapped! Trapped!
661
00:44:37,635 --> 00:44:39,046
Got it.
662
00:44:39,262 --> 00:44:41,053
Let's have lunch.
663
00:44:44,351 --> 00:44:46,676
What nice guys.
664
00:44:46,895 --> 00:44:48,306
Broadway.
665
00:44:48,521 --> 00:44:52,649
I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.
666
00:44:56,154 --> 00:44:58,906
Hello, the living room of
renowned theatrical director...
667
00:44:59,115 --> 00:45:01,902
...Roger DeBris' elegant
Upper East Side townhouse...
668
00:45:02,118 --> 00:45:05,487
...on a sunny Tuesday
afternoon in June.
669
00:45:05,705 --> 00:45:08,196
Who may I say is calling?
670
00:45:08,875 --> 00:45:10,868
Listen, you broken-down
old queen...
671
00:45:11,086 --> 00:45:13,327
...he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.
672
00:45:13,546 --> 00:45:15,705
-Don't ever call here again.
-Who was that?
673
00:45:15,924 --> 00:45:17,963
Wrong number.
674
00:45:27,519 --> 00:45:29,725
Yes?
675
00:45:55,296 --> 00:45:57,455
Well, hi there.
676
00:45:57,674 --> 00:46:01,043
I'm Max Bialystock and this
is my associate, Mr. Bloom.
677
00:46:01,261 --> 00:46:03,966
We have an appointment
with renowned theatrical director...
678
00:46:04,180 --> 00:46:06,802
-...Roger DeBris.
-Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.
679
00:46:07,017 --> 00:46:09,721
-Please. Yes.
-Thank you.
680
00:46:19,988 --> 00:46:22,395
I am Carmen Ghia...
681
00:46:22,615 --> 00:46:25,949
...Mr. DeBris'
common-law assistant.
682
00:46:26,161 --> 00:46:28,319
You are expected.
683
00:46:34,336 --> 00:46:39,330
May I take your hat, your coat
and your swastikas?
684
00:46:39,924 --> 00:46:43,009
Oh, these. We-- We--
685
00:46:43,219 --> 00:46:46,920
We just came from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.
686
00:46:48,475 --> 00:46:51,144
-You didn't tell me we had those on?
-I didn't notice them.
687
00:46:51,353 --> 00:46:57,023
-You told me to look straight ahead.
-Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?
688
00:47:00,945 --> 00:47:03,353
Oh, Roger.
689
00:47:03,573 --> 00:47:06,527
We're not alone.
690
00:47:17,087 --> 00:47:21,215
Here's Roger.
691
00:47:26,012 --> 00:47:29,962
-Max, he's wearing a dress.
-No kidding.
692
00:47:30,183 --> 00:47:32,140
Roger, good to see you again.
693
00:47:32,352 --> 00:47:35,472
Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,
I presume?
694
00:47:35,689 --> 00:47:37,562
Forgive the pun.
695
00:47:39,651 --> 00:47:41,727
-What pun?
-Shut up. He thinks he's witty.
696
00:47:41,945 --> 00:47:46,571
Roger, may I say you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
697
00:47:48,034 --> 00:47:50,786
By the way, Max, darling,
we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?
698
00:47:50,995 --> 00:47:52,075
Worshipped it.
699
00:47:52,288 --> 00:47:54,577
To be or not to be
You mean a lot to me
700
00:47:54,791 --> 00:47:57,033
-Showstopper!
-Fabulous.
701
00:47:57,961 --> 00:48:01,045
Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.
702
00:48:01,881 --> 00:48:03,755
-Well, I was--
-I should explain.
703
00:48:03,967 --> 00:48:07,751
I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.
There is a prize for best costume.
704
00:48:07,971 --> 00:48:11,885
-We always win.
-I'm not so sure about this year.
705
00:48:12,100 --> 00:48:15,136
I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia...
706
00:48:15,353 --> 00:48:18,603
...but I think I look more like
the Chrysler Building.
707
00:48:19,941 --> 00:48:23,773
Well, as far as I'm concerned, without
your wig on, you're only half dressed.
708
00:48:23,987 --> 00:48:27,237
Well, then,
why don't you go and get it...
709
00:48:27,449 --> 00:48:30,983
...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.
710
00:48:33,872 --> 00:48:35,496
lf your intention...
711
00:48:35,707 --> 00:48:40,452
...was to shoot an arrow
through my heart...
712
00:48:41,838 --> 00:48:43,914
...bull's-eye!
713
00:48:47,844 --> 00:48:51,343
Oh, Roger, let's face it,
that building is you.
714
00:48:51,556 --> 00:48:54,308
Listen, I know we sent it to you
only this morning...
715
00:48:54,517 --> 00:48:56,593
...but did you read
Springtime for Hitler?
716
00:48:56,811 --> 00:48:59,053
Read it? I devoured it.
717
00:48:59,272 --> 00:49:01,597
And I find it remarkable.
Remarkable!
718
00:49:01,816 --> 00:49:05,731
I feel it is a very important piece,
drenched with historical goodies.
719
00:49:05,945 --> 00:49:09,149
I, for one, for instance,
never realized that the Third Reich...
720
00:49:09,366 --> 00:49:11,405
...meant Germany.
721
00:49:11,618 --> 00:49:13,990
Yeah, how about that.
Then you'll do it?
722
00:49:14,204 --> 00:49:18,367
Do it? Of course not. It's not my
kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.
723
00:49:18,583 --> 00:49:22,711
World War ll?
Too dark, too depressing.
724
00:49:22,921 --> 00:49:25,756
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
725
00:49:25,965 --> 00:49:28,966
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
726
00:49:29,177 --> 00:49:32,628
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
727
00:49:32,847 --> 00:49:34,425
Shows should be more
728
00:49:34,641 --> 00:49:36,883
What's the word?
729
00:49:37,102 --> 00:49:39,972
-Gay?
-Exactly.
730
00:49:40,188 --> 00:49:43,972
No matter what you do on the stage
731
00:49:44,192 --> 00:49:47,478
Keep it light, keep it bright
Keep it gay
732
00:49:47,696 --> 00:49:51,444
Whether it's murder
Mayhem or rage
733
00:49:51,658 --> 00:49:55,869
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay
734
00:49:56,079 --> 00:49:59,364
People want laughter
When they see a show
735
00:49:59,582 --> 00:50:02,868
The last thing they're after is
A litany of woe
736
00:50:03,086 --> 00:50:06,870
A happy ending
Will pep up your play
737
00:50:07,090 --> 00:50:08,750
Oedipus won't bomb
738
00:50:08,967 --> 00:50:10,591
If he winds up with Mom
739
00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:12,462
-Keep it gay
-Keep it gay
740
00:50:12,679 --> 00:50:14,885
-Keep it gay
-Keep it gay
741
00:50:15,098 --> 00:50:16,378
Couldn't agree more.
742
00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,224
And you have our blessings,
Roger...
743
00:50:18,435 --> 00:50:22,384
...to make Springtime for Hitler just
as gay as anyone could possibly want.
744
00:50:22,605 --> 00:50:24,064
So come on, do it for us. Please.
745
00:50:24,274 --> 00:50:27,358
I'm sorry, Max.
It's simply not my cup of tea.
746
00:50:27,569 --> 00:50:30,142
Still, fair is fair.
747
00:50:30,363 --> 00:50:32,735
I should ask my production team
what they think.
748
00:50:32,949 --> 00:50:34,443
Your production team,
who are they?
749
00:50:34,659 --> 00:50:36,735
You'll see. They all live here.
750
00:50:36,953 --> 00:50:40,239
Guys! Come say hello
to Bialystock and Bloom!
751
00:50:40,457 --> 00:50:42,782
This is my set designer, Brian.
752
00:50:43,001 --> 00:50:43,997
Hello.
753
00:50:44,210 --> 00:50:47,377
Keep it mad, keep it glad
Keep it gay
754
00:50:47,589 --> 00:50:51,421
-Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
-Hello.
755
00:50:51,634 --> 00:50:55,335
Keep it happy, keep it snappy
Keep it gay
756
00:50:55,555 --> 00:50:59,138
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
757
00:50:59,351 --> 00:51:02,850
That everything's perfect
For Mr. DeBris
758
00:51:03,063 --> 00:51:05,221
Scott, my choreographer.
759
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:07,100
Hi there.
760
00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:26,168
And, finally, last and least...
761
00:51:26,378 --> 00:51:30,292
...my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.
762
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:34,670
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
763
00:51:34,886 --> 00:51:37,887
Keep it gay
764
00:51:42,185 --> 00:51:45,471
Now, they all just read Springtime.
What did you think of it, fellas?
765
00:51:45,689 --> 00:51:47,646
-It needs glamour
-And glitz
766
00:51:47,857 --> 00:51:51,143
-It needs sequins
-And tits
767
00:51:51,361 --> 00:51:54,812
Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.
768
00:51:55,031 --> 00:51:58,032
Go say something nice to Roger.
I think he likes you.
769
00:51:58,243 --> 00:52:02,323
-But, Max....
-Go on. It's just show biz.
770
00:52:07,669 --> 00:52:10,623
Mr. DeBris. Roger.
771
00:52:10,839 --> 00:52:14,338
Roger, actually,
I think your gown is very stunning.
772
00:52:14,551 --> 00:52:16,259
Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.
773
00:52:16,469 --> 00:52:18,343
Leo.
774
00:52:19,681 --> 00:52:22,172
What is that enchanting
cologne you're wearing?
775
00:52:22,392 --> 00:52:24,016
Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
776
00:52:24,227 --> 00:52:27,643
You mean that smell is you?
777
00:52:27,856 --> 00:52:29,979
Oh, God.
778
00:52:30,191 --> 00:52:36,395
lf I could bottle you, I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.
779
00:52:45,915 --> 00:52:48,038
Oh, Max.
Max, we never should've started this.
780
00:52:48,251 --> 00:52:52,379
-I think we're getting in too deep.
-Too deep? This is nothing.
781
00:52:52,589 --> 00:52:54,878
I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.
782
00:52:55,342 --> 00:52:57,381
And so the rule is
783
00:52:57,594 --> 00:52:59,717
When mounting a play
784
00:52:59,929 --> 00:53:01,721
Keep it funny
Keep it sunny
785
00:53:01,931 --> 00:53:04,007
Keep it gay
786
00:53:04,225 --> 00:53:08,270
-What should we do?
-Relax. Watch this.
787
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:10,721
Roger, I--
788
00:53:10,940 --> 00:53:15,733
I think that Springtime for Hitler would
be a marvellous opportunity for you.
789
00:53:15,945 --> 00:53:18,899
I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with--
790
00:53:19,115 --> 00:53:21,072
Dare I say it? --frivolous musicals.
791
00:53:21,284 --> 00:53:23,241
You're right.
I've often felt as though...
792
00:53:23,453 --> 00:53:26,240
...I've been throwing my life away
on silly entertainments.
793
00:53:26,456 --> 00:53:29,125
Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.
794
00:53:29,334 --> 00:53:31,907
Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,
kick, turn.
795
00:53:32,128 --> 00:53:33,872
-Roger.
-It's enough to make you heave.
796
00:53:34,089 --> 00:53:37,422
Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just
couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.
797
00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,425
-Why not? Think of the respect.
-No.
798
00:53:39,636 --> 00:53:41,260
-Think of the prestige.
-No, no, no.
799
00:53:41,471 --> 00:53:42,930
Think of the Tony!
800
00:53:44,015 --> 00:53:47,764
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
801
00:53:47,977 --> 00:53:49,637
-What's the matter?
-ls he all right?
802
00:53:49,854 --> 00:53:51,052
-He's having a stroke.
-What?
803
00:53:51,272 --> 00:53:53,431
-Of genius!
-I see it at last.
804
00:53:53,650 --> 00:53:55,726
The chance
to do something important.
805
00:53:55,944 --> 00:53:59,028
Roger DeBris presents
History
806
00:53:59,239 --> 00:54:01,278
Of course that second act
has to be rewritten.
807
00:54:01,491 --> 00:54:04,825
They're losing the war? Excuse me,
that's too downbeat.
808
00:54:05,036 --> 00:54:08,322
Roger DeBris presents
History
809
00:54:08,540 --> 00:54:10,164
But maybe....
810
00:54:11,084 --> 00:54:14,500
It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.
811
00:54:14,713 --> 00:54:16,373
/
812
00:54:16,589 --> 00:54:18,416
See
813
00:54:18,633 --> 00:54:22,465
A line
814
00:54:22,679 --> 00:54:25,086
Of beautiful girls
815
00:54:25,306 --> 00:54:28,142
Dressed as storm troopers
Each one a gem
816
00:54:28,351 --> 00:54:31,436
With leather boots
And whips on their hips
817
00:54:31,646 --> 00:54:35,145
-It's risqué, dare I say, S & M
-Love it!
818
00:54:35,358 --> 00:54:37,730
I see German soldiers
Dancing through France
819
00:54:37,944 --> 00:54:40,649
Played by chorus boys
In very tight pants
820
00:54:40,864 --> 00:54:42,406
And wait, there's more
821
00:54:42,615 --> 00:54:43,814
They'll win the war
822
00:54:44,034 --> 00:54:47,403
And the dances they do
Will be daring and new
823
00:54:47,620 --> 00:54:50,076
Turn, turn, kick, turn.
One, two, three, kick, turn.
824
00:54:50,290 --> 00:54:52,863
Keep it sassy, keep it classy
Keep it--
825
00:54:53,084 --> 00:54:55,160
That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
826
00:54:55,378 --> 00:54:57,703
I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger...
827
00:54:57,922 --> 00:55:00,081
...when I say you are the only man
in the world...
828
00:55:00,300 --> 00:55:02,921
...who could do justice to
Springtime for Hitler.
829
00:55:03,136 --> 00:55:04,879
-Will you do it, please?
-Please.
830
00:55:05,096 --> 00:55:07,255
Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.
831
00:55:07,474 --> 00:55:09,265
It might affect the course of my life.
832
00:55:09,476 --> 00:55:11,682
I shall have to think about it.
I'll do it.
833
00:55:12,145 --> 00:55:14,636
I'll do it
834
00:55:15,523 --> 00:55:16,934
Sabu, champagne!
835
00:55:17,984 --> 00:55:21,187
If at the end
You want them to cheer
836
00:55:21,404 --> 00:55:24,275
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
837
00:55:24,491 --> 00:55:27,527
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello
Or Lear
838
00:55:27,744 --> 00:55:31,113
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
839
00:55:31,331 --> 00:55:34,248
Comedy's joyous
A constant delight
840
00:55:34,459 --> 00:55:36,748
Dramas annoy us
And ruin our night
841
00:55:36,961 --> 00:55:40,212
So keep your Strindbergs
And Ibsens at bay
842
00:55:40,423 --> 00:55:42,297
-I'll sign
-Sign
843
00:55:42,509 --> 00:55:43,707
-Sign
-Sign
844
00:55:43,927 --> 00:55:45,125
-Sign
-Sign
845
00:55:45,345 --> 00:55:46,922
Sign!
846
00:55:47,138 --> 00:55:49,261
Roger Elizabeth DeBris.
847
00:55:49,474 --> 00:55:56,521
Keep it gay
848
00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:01,069
-Conga!
-Everybody!
849
00:56:06,533 --> 00:56:08,490
And so the rule is
850
00:56:08,702 --> 00:56:11,537
When mounting a play
Keep it gay
851
00:56:11,746 --> 00:56:13,324
Keep it gay
852
00:56:13,540 --> 00:56:14,535
Stop it.
853
00:56:14,749 --> 00:56:16,956
Keep it gay
854
00:56:23,133 --> 00:56:25,802
Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show ever written...
855
00:56:26,011 --> 00:56:29,593
...and a signed contract
with the worst director who ever lived.
856
00:56:29,806 --> 00:56:32,262
We're in business.
857
00:56:33,351 --> 00:56:35,059
And what a business.
858
00:56:35,270 --> 00:56:37,677
ln the same day,
I'm taking the Siegfried Oath...
859
00:56:37,897 --> 00:56:41,101
...and dancing the conga
with a cop, a sailor...
860
00:56:41,317 --> 00:56:44,188
...and an extremely friendly
Cherokee lndian.
861
00:56:44,404 --> 00:56:46,729
Yeah. Oh, well.
862
00:56:46,948 --> 00:56:49,404
It's not easy
being a Broadway producer.
863
00:56:49,617 --> 00:56:52,868
But together we'll make it.
Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...
864
00:56:53,079 --> 00:56:55,321
...and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.
865
00:56:55,540 --> 00:56:57,948
Nothing or no one, Max.
866
00:56:58,168 --> 00:57:00,077
-Come in.
-Come in.
867
00:57:01,671 --> 00:57:03,415
Bialystock and Bloom?
868
00:57:07,677 --> 00:57:10,880
-What?
-Oh, excuse me.
869
00:57:13,683 --> 00:57:14,964
Swedish.
870
00:57:15,185 --> 00:57:16,762
Casting today?
871
00:57:16,978 --> 00:57:20,561
-Cahstink? Cahstink?
-Cahstink?
872
00:57:20,774 --> 00:57:21,972
-Casting!
-Casting.
873
00:57:22,192 --> 00:57:24,813
No, no, no, miss.
We're not casting yet.
874
00:57:25,028 --> 00:57:27,483
We don't even know when
we're beginning rehearsals--
875
00:57:27,697 --> 00:57:30,817
Yes, we just started
casting today. Yes.
876
00:57:31,034 --> 00:57:34,450
-We're casting?
-Yes. Yes, we're casting.
877
00:57:34,662 --> 00:57:37,070
lf you don't mind,
just once in my life...
878
00:57:37,290 --> 00:57:41,869
...I'd like to see somebody
on that couch who's under 85.
879
00:57:46,341 --> 00:57:47,503
What's your name, my dear?
880
00:57:47,717 --> 00:57:49,093
My name is Ulla lnga...
881
00:57:49,302 --> 00:57:52,837
...Hansen Benson Yonsen
Tallen-Hallen Svaden Svanson.
882
00:57:53,056 --> 00:57:55,298
Wait. Wait.
What's your first name?
883
00:57:55,517 --> 00:57:57,141
That was my first name.
884
00:57:57,352 --> 00:57:58,894
You wanna hear my last name?
885
00:57:59,104 --> 00:58:03,184
We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.
886
00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:05,725
Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?
887
00:58:05,944 --> 00:58:08,233
-Ulla sing and dance.
-Oh, yeah?
888
00:58:08,446 --> 00:58:11,364
-You want Ulla make audition?
-Oh, no, miss.
889
00:58:11,574 --> 00:58:13,733
-That won't be nece--
-Yes, it is " nece.''
890
00:58:13,952 --> 00:58:15,150
Extremely nece.
891
00:58:15,370 --> 00:58:19,664
Please. Please make audition.
Make audition all over the office.
892
00:58:21,209 --> 00:58:23,534
-What are you going to sing?
-Well...
893
00:58:23,753 --> 00:58:29,542
...yesterday when I was stepping out
of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...
894
00:58:29,759 --> 00:58:32,796
...a crazy man
yelled something out the window...
895
00:58:33,013 --> 00:58:35,550
...that inspired me to write this song.
896
00:58:41,896 --> 00:58:44,387
When you got it
897
00:58:44,607 --> 00:58:46,481
Flaunt it
898
00:58:46,693 --> 00:58:50,026
Step right up and strut your stuff
899
00:58:51,322 --> 00:58:54,359
People tell you modesty's a virtue
900
00:58:55,660 --> 00:58:59,528
But in the theatre
Modesty can hurt you
901
00:58:59,748 --> 00:59:01,028
When you got it
902
00:59:02,334 --> 00:59:04,410
Flaunt it
903
00:59:04,627 --> 00:59:08,672
Show your assets
Let 'em know you're proud
904
00:59:08,882 --> 00:59:10,542
Your goodies you must push
905
00:59:10,759 --> 00:59:12,917
Stick your chest out
Shake your tush
906
00:59:13,136 --> 00:59:17,430
When you got it
Shout it out loud
907
00:59:17,807 --> 00:59:19,681
Now Ulla dance.
908
00:59:34,949 --> 00:59:36,989
When you got it
909
00:59:37,202 --> 00:59:39,075
Show it
910
00:59:39,287 --> 00:59:43,036
Put your hidden treasures
On display
911
00:59:43,249 --> 00:59:46,749
Violinists love to play an E string
912
00:59:46,961 --> 00:59:50,461
But audiences really love a G-string
913
00:59:50,674 --> 00:59:52,666
When you got it
914
00:59:52,884 --> 00:59:54,462
Shout it
915
00:59:54,678 --> 00:59:58,627
Let the whole world hear
What you're about
916
00:59:58,848 --> 01:00:01,968
Clothes may make the man
All a girl needs is a tan
917
01:00:02,435 --> 01:00:06,563
When you got it
Let it hang out
918
01:00:06,773 --> 01:00:08,730
-Remember when Ulla dance?
-Yeah.
919
01:00:08,942 --> 01:00:10,140
Ulla dance again.
920
01:00:10,860 --> 01:00:13,980
Ulla dance again!
921
01:00:30,255 --> 01:00:34,087
When I was just a little girl
In Sweden
922
01:00:34,300 --> 01:00:38,168
My thoughtful mother
Gave me this advice
923
01:00:38,388 --> 01:00:42,172
If nature blesses you
From top to bottom
924
01:00:42,392 --> 01:00:45,262
Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice
925
01:00:45,478 --> 01:00:47,601
Now Ulla belt.
926
01:00:47,814 --> 01:00:51,681
Don't think twice!
927
01:00:51,901 --> 01:00:54,143
When you got it
928
01:00:54,362 --> 01:00:55,987
Share it
929
01:00:56,197 --> 01:01:00,065
Let the public feast
Upon your charms
930
01:01:00,285 --> 01:01:03,950
People say that being prim
Is proper
931
01:01:04,164 --> 01:01:07,449
But every showgirl knows
That prim will stop her
932
01:01:07,667 --> 01:01:09,992
When you got it
933
01:01:10,211 --> 01:01:11,955
Give it
934
01:01:12,172 --> 01:01:17,130
Don't be selfish
Give it all away
935
01:01:21,931 --> 01:01:23,556
Don't be shy
Be bold and cute
936
01:01:23,767 --> 01:01:25,558
Show the boys your birthday suit
937
01:01:25,769 --> 01:01:28,888
When you got it
938
01:01:29,731 --> 01:01:32,851
If you got it
939
01:01:33,693 --> 01:01:36,778
Once you got it
940
01:01:36,988 --> 01:01:39,230
Shout out
941
01:01:41,701 --> 01:01:45,829
Hooray!
942
01:01:53,129 --> 01:01:54,671
Okey-dokey.
943
01:01:54,881 --> 01:01:56,079
You like it?
944
01:01:56,299 --> 01:01:58,588
Like-- Like it?
945
01:01:58,802 --> 01:02:02,336
I want you to know, my dear,
that even though we're sitting down...
946
01:02:02,555 --> 01:02:06,600
...we're giving you
a standing ovation.
947
01:02:11,398 --> 01:02:14,102
She's in the show.
948
01:02:14,317 --> 01:02:19,275
Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know
if there's a part for her in the show.
949
01:02:19,489 --> 01:02:22,443
Would you excuse us, my dear?
950
01:02:22,659 --> 01:02:24,450
Nonsense, Bloom.
951
01:02:24,661 --> 01:02:26,618
Bloom,
do I have to teach you everything?
952
01:02:26,830 --> 01:02:29,237
There is always a part
for the producer's girlfriend.
953
01:02:29,457 --> 01:02:32,127
But we don't even know
when we're starting rehearsal yet.
954
01:02:32,335 --> 01:02:36,333
So what? So what?
We're producers, aren't we?
955
01:02:36,548 --> 01:02:39,465
So until she goes into the show,
she can work for us here.
956
01:02:39,676 --> 01:02:44,468
Because we need--
Nay, deserve to have ourselves a--
957
01:02:45,849 --> 01:02:49,893
Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous
Swedish secretary/receptionist.
958
01:02:50,103 --> 01:02:53,970
But, Max, a secretary who doesn't
speak English? What will people say?
959
01:02:54,190 --> 01:02:55,982
They'll say:
960
01:02:58,111 --> 01:03:00,732
Offer her the job, please?
961
01:03:01,740 --> 01:03:03,115
Just a moment, miss.
962
01:03:04,701 --> 01:03:06,278
We might have a position for you.
963
01:03:06,494 --> 01:03:10,444
As a matter of fact, we might
have several positions for you.
964
01:03:10,665 --> 01:03:12,159
Until the show gets going...
965
01:03:12,375 --> 01:03:16,836
...we can offer you a job here
as a secretary/receptionist.
966
01:03:17,047 --> 01:03:20,416
Secretary/receptionist?
967
01:03:20,633 --> 01:03:23,171
Okey/dokey!
968
01:03:23,386 --> 01:03:24,584
I can do that.
969
01:03:26,681 --> 01:03:29,053
Answer telephone.
970
01:03:29,267 --> 01:03:31,260
Bialystock and Bloom.
971
01:03:31,478 --> 01:03:33,102
Bialystock and Bloom.
972
01:03:33,313 --> 01:03:34,558
Smart as a whip.
973
01:03:34,773 --> 01:03:36,896
You're hired!
974
01:03:41,821 --> 01:03:45,522
Well-- Well, all right. lf he says so,
I don't have a--
975
01:03:47,827 --> 01:03:50,069
Secretary/receptionist.
976
01:03:50,288 --> 01:03:52,696
And maybe you can tidy up
around here a little bit too.
977
01:03:52,916 --> 01:03:54,789
Tidy up? Tidy up.
978
01:03:55,001 --> 01:03:57,326
Such a funny word.
What means "tidy up"?
979
01:03:57,545 --> 01:04:00,215
-You know, clean.
-Make look nice.
980
01:04:00,423 --> 01:04:03,875
-Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.
-Very good.
981
01:04:04,094 --> 01:04:06,217
What time can you be here
in the morning?
982
01:04:06,429 --> 01:04:09,679
Well, Ulla wake up every morning,
5 a.m.
983
01:04:09,891 --> 01:04:12,347
From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.
984
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:15,680
From to 7 to 8,
Ulla like to take long shower.
985
01:04:15,897 --> 01:04:19,942
From to 8 to 9, Ulla like
to have big Swedish breakfast.
986
01:04:20,151 --> 01:04:22,061
Many different herrings.
987
01:04:22,278 --> 01:04:26,062
From to 9 to 11 , Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.
988
01:04:26,282 --> 01:04:29,865
And at 11 , Ulla like to have sex.
989
01:04:30,078 --> 01:04:32,403
What time should I get here?
990
01:04:32,622 --> 01:04:33,737
-Eleven.
-Eleven.
991
01:04:33,957 --> 01:04:36,662
Good. Ulla will come at 11 .
992
01:04:36,876 --> 01:04:39,664
Ulla will come at 11 .
993
01:04:48,763 --> 01:04:51,433
God bless America!
994
01:04:53,852 --> 01:04:56,556
God bless Sweden.
995
01:04:56,938 --> 01:05:00,437
Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.
996
01:05:00,650 --> 01:05:03,224
The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
997
01:05:03,445 --> 01:05:05,022
I've never felt this way before.
998
01:05:05,238 --> 01:05:08,358
It's like a volcano erupting
inside of me...
999
01:05:08,575 --> 01:05:13,616
...like hot lava rising higher
and higher and--
1000
01:05:13,830 --> 01:05:15,739
What is that, Max?
1001
01:05:15,957 --> 01:05:18,080
What is it?
1002
01:05:19,836 --> 01:05:23,501
It's called an erection.
It's either that or malaria.
1003
01:05:24,341 --> 01:05:26,629
But don't worry,
they have shots for everything now.
1004
01:05:26,843 --> 01:05:28,178
Come here,
I want to show you something.
1005
01:05:30,555 --> 01:05:32,298
-What do you see?
-Nothing.
1006
01:05:32,515 --> 01:05:35,884
Exactly. But now that we've got
our sure-fire flop...
1007
01:05:36,102 --> 01:05:39,388
...it's gonna be our job
to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.
1008
01:05:39,606 --> 01:05:43,390
Two million?
Gee, how much do we put in?
1009
01:05:53,870 --> 01:05:57,619
How much--?
How much do we put in?
1010
01:05:57,832 --> 01:05:59,540
Bloom...
1011
01:05:59,751 --> 01:06:03,120
...the two cardinal rules
of being a Broadway producer...
1012
01:06:03,338 --> 01:06:06,671
...are one, never put
your own money in the show.
1013
01:06:06,883 --> 01:06:08,081
And two?
1014
01:06:08,301 --> 01:06:13,924
Never put your own money
in the show!
1015
01:06:15,558 --> 01:06:16,934
-Get it?
-Got it.
1016
01:06:17,143 --> 01:06:19,136
-Good.
-So how do we raise the money?
1017
01:06:19,354 --> 01:06:22,023
How? I'll tell you how.
1018
01:06:23,316 --> 01:06:24,691
From my investors.
1019
01:06:24,901 --> 01:06:26,728
Hundreds of little old ladies...
1020
01:06:26,945 --> 01:06:32,022
...all looking to Max Bialystock for one
last thrill on their way to the cemetery.
1021
01:06:32,242 --> 01:06:36,074
So in the days to come, Bloom,
you shall see very little of me.
1022
01:06:36,287 --> 01:06:38,613
And right now,
I'd like to see very little of you.
1023
01:06:38,832 --> 01:06:40,824
Scram while I get myself ready.
1024
01:06:41,042 --> 01:06:44,874
For Max Bialystock
is about to launch himself...
1025
01:06:45,088 --> 01:06:47,496
...into little-old-lady land.
1026
01:06:48,925 --> 01:06:51,926
The time has come
1027
01:06:52,137 --> 01:06:56,514
To be a lover from the Argentine
1028
01:06:56,725 --> 01:07:01,221
To slick my hair down
With brilliantine
1029
01:07:01,438 --> 01:07:07,891
And gargle heavily
With Listerine
1030
01:07:13,742 --> 01:07:16,908
It's time for Max
1031
01:07:17,120 --> 01:07:22,031
To put his backers on their backs
1032
01:07:22,250 --> 01:07:27,624
And thrill them with amazing acts
1033
01:07:27,839 --> 01:07:30,544
Those aging nymphomaniacs
1034
01:07:40,393 --> 01:07:43,928
They were helpless
They were hopeless
1035
01:07:44,147 --> 01:07:47,598
Then along came Bialy
1036
01:07:47,817 --> 01:07:51,436
They were joyless
They were boy-less
1037
01:07:51,654 --> 01:07:55,070
Then along came Bialy
1038
01:07:55,283 --> 01:07:58,901
They're my angels
I'm their devil
1039
01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:02,785
And I keep those embers aglow
1040
01:08:02,999 --> 01:08:06,534
When I woos 'em
I can't lose 'em
1041
01:08:06,753 --> 01:08:08,829
'Cause I cast my spell
And they start yellin'
1042
01:08:09,047 --> 01:08:10,375
''Fire down below!''
1043
01:08:10,590 --> 01:08:14,089
So romantic
They were frantic
1044
01:08:14,302 --> 01:08:18,086
Then their prayers were heard
Up above
1045
01:08:18,306 --> 01:08:19,966
Heaven sent them
1046
01:08:20,183 --> 01:08:21,843
Their Bialy
1047
01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:28,727
I'm the celebration of love
1048
01:08:36,116 --> 01:08:38,986
Who is it? Who is it?
1049
01:08:39,202 --> 01:08:40,993
It's Max Bialystock.
1050
01:08:45,166 --> 01:08:47,040
Maxy.
1051
01:10:04,788 --> 01:10:06,068
Fire down below!
1052
01:10:06,289 --> 01:10:08,994
We were listing
We were sinking
1053
01:10:09,209 --> 01:10:12,578
Then along came Bialy
1054
01:10:12,796 --> 01:10:15,880
We were desperate
We were drinking
1055
01:10:16,091 --> 01:10:19,424
-Then along came Bialy
-Who's your daddy?
1056
01:10:19,636 --> 01:10:22,756
So romantic
We were frantic
1057
01:10:22,972 --> 01:10:26,341
Then our prayers were heard
Up above
1058
01:10:26,559 --> 01:10:27,888
It's Bialy
1059
01:10:28,103 --> 01:10:29,561
Hey, Bialy
1060
01:10:29,771 --> 01:10:31,680
He's the culmination
1061
01:10:31,898 --> 01:10:33,392
The restoration
1062
01:10:33,608 --> 01:10:35,102
The consummation
1063
01:10:35,318 --> 01:10:36,563
The titillation
1064
01:10:36,778 --> 01:10:38,189
Ejaculation
1065
01:10:38,405 --> 01:10:43,150
He's the celebration of love
1066
01:11:00,176 --> 01:11:02,216
Thank you.
1067
01:11:13,231 --> 01:11:15,307
Bloom! Bloom!
1068
01:11:15,525 --> 01:11:17,601
What, Max? What?
1069
01:11:17,819 --> 01:11:20,488
I've done it. I've done it,
I've raised the 2 million.
1070
01:11:20,697 --> 01:11:23,532
Now all we have to do is put on
the biggest flop in history.
1071
01:11:23,742 --> 01:11:25,983
That's great!
1072
01:11:36,379 --> 01:11:37,577
We can't miss
1073
01:11:59,152 --> 01:12:01,939
I gotta make the next payment
on the theatre by 3:00 or else--
1074
01:12:02,155 --> 01:12:03,400
Sorry, wrong office.
1075
01:12:03,615 --> 01:12:05,524
Bialystock. Bloom.
1076
01:12:06,701 --> 01:12:08,112
Max. Leo.
1077
01:12:23,593 --> 01:12:25,799
-Ulla?
-Ulla?
1078
01:12:26,388 --> 01:12:27,882
What happened to the office?
1079
01:12:28,098 --> 01:12:31,052
Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."
1080
01:12:31,267 --> 01:12:33,556
Tidy "oop"?
1081
01:12:33,770 --> 01:12:35,727
How did you find the time
to do all this?
1082
01:12:35,939 --> 01:12:39,355
-I skip lunch.
-Of course you did.
1083
01:12:39,567 --> 01:12:42,272
-Very nice.
-She skipped lunch.
1084
01:12:42,487 --> 01:12:44,230
Almost 3.
That payment to the Shuberts.
1085
01:12:44,447 --> 01:12:45,941
I'll get the cash from the safe.
1086
01:12:46,157 --> 01:12:48,233
You make sure
all those contracts are signed.
1087
01:12:48,451 --> 01:12:49,732
Yes, Max.
1088
01:12:51,538 --> 01:12:53,780
She painted over the numbers.
1089
01:13:07,762 --> 01:13:09,802
Hello, boys.
1090
01:13:11,933 --> 01:13:14,720
Nobody knows
what I went through to get you.
1091
01:13:14,936 --> 01:13:16,395
Ulla knows.
1092
01:13:16,604 --> 01:13:20,768
You had to shtupp
every little old lady in New York.
1093
01:13:22,819 --> 01:13:25,108
That's right. That's right.
1094
01:13:25,905 --> 01:13:28,906
And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.
1095
01:13:30,410 --> 01:13:33,945
Work, work, work. Work, work, work.
1096
01:13:35,498 --> 01:13:40,456
So, Mr. Bloom.
1097
01:13:40,670 --> 01:13:42,959
We are all alone.
1098
01:13:43,548 --> 01:13:46,039
Yes, we are, aren't we?
1099
01:13:51,848 --> 01:13:55,264
Why Bloom go so far camera right?
1100
01:13:56,186 --> 01:13:58,855
Bloom no like Ulla?
1101
01:13:59,105 --> 01:14:01,643
Ulla like Bloom.
1102
01:14:02,067 --> 01:14:04,273
Bloom like Ulla, all right.
1103
01:14:04,486 --> 01:14:07,487
-Maybe a little too much.
-Good.
1104
01:14:07,697 --> 01:14:09,773
I'm glad.
1105
01:14:11,701 --> 01:14:13,777
Why Bloom need blue blanket?
1106
01:14:13,995 --> 01:14:15,655
Oh, it's not important.
1107
01:14:15,872 --> 01:14:17,865
It's just a minor compulsion.
It's that I've--
1108
01:14:18,083 --> 01:14:20,870
I've had it ever since
I was a baby, and I....
1109
01:14:21,086 --> 01:14:24,003
You're a little too close.
1110
01:14:25,465 --> 01:14:30,008
The urge to merge
Can rob us of our senses
1111
01:14:30,220 --> 01:14:34,882
The need to breed
Can make a man a drone
1112
01:14:35,100 --> 01:14:39,512
We must be on alert
With our defences
1113
01:14:39,729 --> 01:14:43,015
For every skirt will test
1114
01:14:44,859 --> 01:14:48,026
Testosterone
1115
01:14:48,238 --> 01:14:52,022
So knowing this
I severed all connection
1116
01:14:52,242 --> 01:14:55,611
With any creature
Sporting silk or lace
1117
01:14:55,829 --> 01:15:00,206
I was firmly headed
In the right direction
1118
01:15:00,417 --> 01:15:04,628
When suddenly I stumbled on
1119
01:15:04,838 --> 01:15:08,207
That face
1120
01:15:09,843 --> 01:15:12,001
That face
That face
1121
01:15:12,220 --> 01:15:14,296
That dangerous face
1122
01:15:14,514 --> 01:15:18,726
I mustn't be unwise
1123
01:15:18,935 --> 01:15:21,058
Those lips
That nose
1124
01:15:21,271 --> 01:15:23,394
Those eyes
1125
01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:27,853
Could lead to my demise
1126
01:15:28,069 --> 01:15:30,062
That face
That face
1127
01:15:30,280 --> 01:15:32,272
That marvellous face
1128
01:15:32,490 --> 01:15:36,737
I never should begin
1129
01:15:36,953 --> 01:15:39,029
Those cheeks
That neck
1130
01:15:39,247 --> 01:15:41,240
That chin
1131
01:15:41,458 --> 01:15:45,752
Will surely do me in
1132
01:15:45,962 --> 01:15:48,085
I must be smart
And hide my heart
1133
01:15:48,298 --> 01:15:50,456
If she's within a mile
1134
01:15:50,675 --> 01:15:53,462
If I don't duck
I'm out of luck
1135
01:15:53,678 --> 01:15:58,755
She'd kill me with her smile
1136
01:16:04,064 --> 01:16:06,103
That face
That face
1137
01:16:06,316 --> 01:16:08,273
That fabulous face
1138
01:16:08,485 --> 01:16:12,779
It's clear I must beware
1139
01:16:12,989 --> 01:16:14,982
I'm certain if I fall in love
1140
01:16:15,200 --> 01:16:17,109
I'm lost without a trace
1141
01:16:17,327 --> 01:16:18,607
But it's worth it
1142
01:16:18,828 --> 01:16:22,032
For that face
1143
01:16:23,416 --> 01:16:25,409
Bloom help Ulla down?
1144
01:16:25,835 --> 01:16:29,619
All right. Bloom help Ulla down.
1145
01:18:56,361 --> 01:18:58,069
That face
1146
01:18:58,279 --> 01:18:59,774
That face
1147
01:18:59,989 --> 01:19:05,743
That lovable face
1148
01:19:06,204 --> 01:19:13,535
It melts my Swedish heart
1149
01:19:14,004 --> 01:19:18,048
I'm certain if I fall in love
1150
01:19:18,258 --> 01:19:23,881
I'm lost without a trace
1151
01:19:24,097 --> 01:19:27,596
But it's worth it
1152
01:19:27,809 --> 01:19:33,100
For that face
1153
01:19:55,295 --> 01:19:58,165
Again! Arabesque, prepare...
1154
01:19:58,381 --> 01:20:00,290
...pirouette and twirl.
1155
01:20:00,508 --> 01:20:02,584
And goose step, goose step...
1156
01:20:02,802 --> 01:20:04,759
...waltz-clog and kick. Again!
1157
01:20:04,971 --> 01:20:08,506
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl.
1158
01:20:08,725 --> 01:20:12,972
And goose step, goose step,
waltz-clog and kick! Again!
1159
01:20:13,188 --> 01:20:15,939
Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!
1160
01:20:16,149 --> 01:20:17,643
-Halt!
-Halt.
1161
01:20:17,859 --> 01:20:20,860
-Halt!
-Halt!
1162
01:20:21,071 --> 01:20:23,359
-This is bedlam! Bedlam!
-This is bedlam! Bedlam!
1163
01:20:26,493 --> 01:20:28,284
Shut up!
1164
01:20:29,496 --> 01:20:31,073
We must have some order here.
1165
01:20:31,289 --> 01:20:34,076
Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait off-stage right...
1166
01:20:34,292 --> 01:20:37,827
...and all the singing Hitlers
off-stage left.
1167
01:20:38,505 --> 01:20:40,213
Get that way.
1168
01:20:40,423 --> 01:20:43,377
Carmen,
call in a singing Hitler, please.
1169
01:20:43,593 --> 01:20:46,049
Yes, darling-- Roger.
1170
01:20:54,771 --> 01:20:57,227
"Jacques LaPidus."
1171
01:21:01,152 --> 01:21:03,690
"Jacques LaPidus."
1172
01:21:06,950 --> 01:21:09,156
"Jack Lapidus."
1173
01:21:09,619 --> 01:21:12,537
Well, Jack, what are you
going to sing for us?
1174
01:21:12,747 --> 01:21:17,575
I would like to sing
"A Wandering Minstrel I."
1175
01:21:18,003 --> 01:21:19,876
lf you must.
1176
01:21:24,300 --> 01:21:27,800
A wandering minstrel I
1177
01:21:28,013 --> 01:21:29,922
A thing of shreds and
1178
01:21:30,140 --> 01:21:31,302
-Thank you!
-Patches
1179
01:21:31,516 --> 01:21:33,259
Next, please.
1180
01:21:34,602 --> 01:21:36,975
" Donald Dinsmore.''
1181
01:21:37,188 --> 01:21:39,430
Well, Donald, if we--
1182
01:21:41,234 --> 01:21:42,432
Well, Donald, I--
1183
01:21:42,652 --> 01:21:44,775
-Hi, how are you?
-That's all right, Donald.
1184
01:21:46,406 --> 01:21:48,564
Now, what are you
going to sing for us, friend?
1185
01:21:48,783 --> 01:21:53,825
I'd like to sing
"The Little Wooden Boy."
1186
01:21:55,415 --> 01:21:57,123
Thank you.
1187
01:22:06,009 --> 01:22:07,918
Next!
1188
01:22:09,512 --> 01:22:11,754
"Jason Green."
1189
01:22:13,850 --> 01:22:16,222
Well, Jason,
what have you been up to lately?
1190
01:22:16,436 --> 01:22:20,599
For the last 16 years, I have been
touring in No No Nietzsche.
1191
01:22:20,815 --> 01:22:23,141
-You played Nietzsche?
-No, no.
1192
01:22:23,360 --> 01:22:24,902
What are you gonna sing for us?
1193
01:22:25,111 --> 01:22:27,400
" Have You Ever Heard
the German Band?"
1194
01:22:27,614 --> 01:22:29,690
-No.
-That is the name of the song...
1195
01:22:29,908 --> 01:22:32,066
...I am going to sing.
1196
01:22:33,703 --> 01:22:35,114
Play it, please.
1197
01:22:39,000 --> 01:22:40,376
Speed it up.
1198
01:22:40,585 --> 01:22:46,421
Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?
1199
01:22:46,633 --> 01:22:47,961
Mit a bang
1200
01:22:48,176 --> 01:22:49,456
Mit a boom
1201
01:22:49,678 --> 01:22:52,347
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
1202
01:22:52,889 --> 01:22:55,214
Oh, haben Sie gehört--
1203
01:22:55,433 --> 01:22:58,185
Halt! Halt!
1204
01:22:58,395 --> 01:23:01,230
Halt! No, no, no.
1205
01:23:01,439 --> 01:23:04,226
This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.
1206
01:23:04,442 --> 01:23:07,194
The Führer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.
1207
01:23:07,404 --> 01:23:08,862
The Führer was butch!
1208
01:23:09,072 --> 01:23:10,531
And that is not how you sing...
1209
01:23:10,740 --> 01:23:12,400
..." Haben Sie gehört
das deutsche Band?"
1210
01:23:12,617 --> 01:23:15,191
This is how you sing " Haben Sie
gehört das deutsche Band?"
1211
01:23:15,412 --> 01:23:17,321
B-flat. Two-two time!
1212
01:23:17,539 --> 01:23:19,697
Modulate at the bridge!
1213
01:23:23,253 --> 01:23:26,871
Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?
1214
01:23:27,090 --> 01:23:29,047
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1215
01:23:29,259 --> 01:23:31,133
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
1216
01:23:31,344 --> 01:23:35,294
Oh, haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?
1217
01:23:35,515 --> 01:23:37,389
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1218
01:23:37,600 --> 01:23:39,973
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
1219
01:23:40,186 --> 01:23:43,887
Russian folk songs
Und French ooh-la-la
1220
01:23:44,107 --> 01:23:47,440
Can't compare
With the German oom-pah-pah
1221
01:23:47,652 --> 01:23:48,648
We're saying
1222
01:23:48,862 --> 01:23:52,028
Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?
1223
01:23:52,240 --> 01:23:54,114
Mit a zetz
Mit a zap
1224
01:23:54,325 --> 01:23:56,484
Mit a zing
1225
01:23:56,703 --> 01:24:00,403
Polish polkas
They're stupid und they're rotten
1226
01:24:00,623 --> 01:24:03,909
It don't mean a thing
If it ain't got that
1227
01:24:04,127 --> 01:24:10,248
Schweigen-reigen-schone-
Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten
1228
01:24:10,467 --> 01:24:12,424
Key change!
1229
01:24:13,094 --> 01:24:16,712
We're saying
1230
01:24:16,931 --> 01:24:22,174
Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?
1231
01:24:22,395 --> 01:24:24,187
Mit a zetz
Mit a zap
1232
01:24:24,397 --> 01:24:25,773
Mit a zing
1233
01:24:25,982 --> 01:24:27,809
It's the only kind of music
1234
01:24:28,026 --> 01:24:32,273
That we Hans und our honeys
Love to sing
1235
01:24:33,114 --> 01:24:35,237
That's our Hitler!
1236
01:24:44,084 --> 01:24:47,702
Have your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready.
1237
01:24:47,921 --> 01:24:50,412
This way, please.
This way, please.
1238
01:24:50,632 --> 01:24:52,838
Take your seats.
1239
01:24:56,846 --> 01:24:59,254
Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.
1240
01:24:59,474 --> 01:25:01,965
-Enjoy the show.
-Thank you.
1241
01:25:08,191 --> 01:25:09,685
-Oh, Mr. Bloom.
-Oh, Mr. Bloom.
1242
01:25:09,901 --> 01:25:13,317
-You look so handsome.
-Thank you.
1243
01:25:14,114 --> 01:25:15,656
Leo!
1244
01:25:17,659 --> 01:25:20,576
Leo, who said
you could wear that hat?
1245
01:25:20,787 --> 01:25:24,370
Nobody, Max. But I thought now that
I'm the producer of a Broadway show--
1246
01:25:24,582 --> 01:25:26,160
-Has the curtain gone up yet?
-No.
1247
01:25:26,584 --> 01:25:28,292
-Has the curtain come down yet?
-No.
1248
01:25:28,503 --> 01:25:30,828
Then you're not a producer yet.
Give me that hat.
1249
01:25:31,047 --> 01:25:33,585
Mr. Bloom! Leo.
1250
01:25:33,800 --> 01:25:36,373
Your tie is all askew.
1251
01:25:36,594 --> 01:25:38,920
Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.
1252
01:25:39,139 --> 01:25:41,215
Have a good show.
1253
01:25:48,023 --> 01:25:49,730
Roll them in the aisles.
1254
01:25:49,941 --> 01:25:51,270
Okey-dokey.
1255
01:25:51,484 --> 01:25:53,109
I will try to.
1256
01:25:53,319 --> 01:25:56,320
But there's just so many of them.
1257
01:25:59,617 --> 01:26:02,571
Gee, I thought we were partners,
sharing everything 50-50.
1258
01:26:02,787 --> 01:26:06,037
Now I'm out in the cold, and you two
are busy askewing each other.
1259
01:26:06,249 --> 01:26:07,708
Askewing? Never, Max.
1260
01:26:07,917 --> 01:26:11,203
Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.
1261
01:26:20,513 --> 01:26:24,096
Gunter, you will pick me up back here
right after the curtain.
1262
01:26:28,104 --> 01:26:30,227
Oh, God, will they love us?
Will they hate us?
1263
01:26:30,440 --> 01:26:31,603
The suspense is killing me.
1264
01:26:31,816 --> 01:26:35,102
I know.
I feel like I'm going into labour.
1265
01:26:38,156 --> 01:26:42,818
Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom.
Well, gentlemen, merde.
1266
01:26:43,787 --> 01:26:46,823
And I just wanna
wish everybody good luck.
1267
01:26:47,040 --> 01:26:50,076
-What? What did you say?
-Bite your tongue.
1268
01:26:50,293 --> 01:26:52,665
Well, what's the matter?
All I said was "good luck."
1269
01:26:52,879 --> 01:26:56,082
-He said it again.
-Hasn't anyone ever told you?
1270
01:26:56,299 --> 01:26:58,921
It's bad luck to say ''good luck''
On opening night
1271
01:26:59,135 --> 01:27:01,757
If you do
I tell you
1272
01:27:01,971 --> 01:27:04,178
It is certain by the curtain
You are through
1273
01:27:04,391 --> 01:27:05,386
Good luck.
1274
01:27:05,600 --> 01:27:07,806
It's bad luck to say ''good luck''
On opening night
1275
01:27:08,019 --> 01:27:10,854
Once it's said
You are dead
1276
01:27:11,064 --> 01:27:13,306
You will get the worst reviews
You ever read
1277
01:27:13,525 --> 01:27:14,520
Good luck.
1278
01:27:14,734 --> 01:27:16,608
Even at the Comédie Française
1279
01:27:16,820 --> 01:27:19,856
On the opening night
They are scared
1280
01:27:20,073 --> 01:27:22,778
''Bonne chance, mes amis''
No one says
1281
01:27:22,992 --> 01:27:25,614
-The only word you'll ever hear is
-Merde
1282
01:27:25,829 --> 01:27:27,204
Good luck, good luck, good luck.
1283
01:27:27,414 --> 01:27:30,083
It's verboten
Wishing luck on opening night
1284
01:27:30,291 --> 01:27:32,996
Take advice
Don't think twice
1285
01:27:33,211 --> 01:27:35,998
Or your show will surely end up
In the Scheiss
1286
01:27:36,214 --> 01:27:39,132
At the famous La Scala in Milan
1287
01:27:39,342 --> 01:27:41,798
On opening night it's a rule
1288
01:27:42,012 --> 01:27:44,763
''Al bocca lupo, '' they say with élan
1289
01:27:44,973 --> 01:27:46,384
And just for luck they all shout
1290
01:27:46,599 --> 01:27:48,142
-''Vaffanculo''
-I got it
1291
01:27:48,351 --> 01:27:51,103
Now I'll never say ''good luck''
On opening night
1292
01:27:51,312 --> 01:27:54,895
That's the rule
I'm no fool
1293
01:27:55,108 --> 01:27:57,729
What do I say, I beg?
1294
01:27:57,944 --> 01:28:02,689
What you say is ''break a leg''
1295
01:28:02,907 --> 01:28:04,366
-Break a leg?
-Yeah.
1296
01:28:04,576 --> 01:28:06,070
-Break a leg.
-Break a leg.
1297
01:28:06,286 --> 01:28:08,325
If you're clever
1298
01:28:08,538 --> 01:28:09,653
Good luck.
1299
01:28:09,873 --> 01:28:11,830
You'll endeav our
1300
01:28:12,542 --> 01:28:16,243
To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say
1301
01:28:16,463 --> 01:28:19,132
On opening night
1302
01:28:19,341 --> 01:28:22,258
Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up in five minutes.
1303
01:28:22,886 --> 01:28:24,795
I'm late. I must run!
1304
01:28:25,221 --> 01:28:27,344
-Break a leg!
-Break a leg!
1305
01:28:43,990 --> 01:28:45,650
Franz, what happened?
1306
01:28:45,867 --> 01:28:48,868
I broke my leg.
1307
01:28:49,162 --> 01:28:52,946
Now we'll have to cancel the show
and give everyone their money back.
1308
01:28:53,249 --> 01:28:54,708
Money back?
1309
01:28:54,918 --> 01:28:56,080
Money back?
1310
01:28:56,294 --> 01:28:57,492
Money back.
1311
01:28:57,712 --> 01:28:59,621
Don't ever say that again.
Money back?
1312
01:28:59,839 --> 01:29:01,547
Never.
We gotta think of something else.
1313
01:29:01,758 --> 01:29:05,209
But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.
1314
01:29:05,428 --> 01:29:08,215
You're right. What are we gonna do?
There must be a way out.
1315
01:29:08,431 --> 01:29:11,101
lf I could only think of something.
Some way. Some--
1316
01:29:11,518 --> 01:29:14,388
Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you. You could play Hitler.
1317
01:29:14,604 --> 01:29:16,015
You know every line in the show.
1318
01:29:16,231 --> 01:29:20,181
I've seen you at rehearsal, always
moving your lips along with the actors.
1319
01:29:20,402 --> 01:29:23,071
It's an embarrassing habit.
I'm trying to break myself of it.
1320
01:29:23,279 --> 01:29:25,901
But me play Hitler? No!
There's no way I could go on tonight.
1321
01:29:26,116 --> 01:29:28,404
I don't have the strength.
I don't have the courage.
1322
01:29:28,618 --> 01:29:30,575
I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!
1323
01:29:30,787 --> 01:29:32,744
-Wow, that hurt.
-Roger.
1324
01:29:32,956 --> 01:29:34,533
Listen to me.
1325
01:29:35,166 --> 01:29:36,364
You can do it.
1326
01:29:36,584 --> 01:29:38,660
You know you can do it,
and I know you can do it.
1327
01:29:38,878 --> 01:29:41,251
You've been waiting all your lifetime
for this chance.
1328
01:29:41,464 --> 01:29:44,086
And I'm not gonna let you
pass it up.
1329
01:29:45,301 --> 01:29:49,762
You're going out there a silly,
hysterical, screaming queen.
1330
01:29:49,973 --> 01:29:52,890
But you're coming back
a great big...
1331
01:30:00,150 --> 01:30:02,438
I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!
1332
01:30:02,652 --> 01:30:05,855
I've got to get into makeup.
Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.
1333
01:30:06,072 --> 01:30:10,070
And, oh! My lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.
1334
01:30:11,161 --> 01:30:12,655
Got it!
1335
01:30:17,500 --> 01:30:19,244
Leo, the overture.
1336
01:30:19,461 --> 01:30:21,334
Let's go.
1337
01:30:35,185 --> 01:30:37,758
-Max.
-What?
1338
01:30:41,483 --> 01:30:44,852
-Good luck, Leo.
-Good luck, Max.
1339
01:30:57,832 --> 01:31:01,332
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
1340
01:31:01,544 --> 01:31:05,328
Needed a new leader
To restore its former glory
1341
01:31:05,548 --> 01:31:08,549
Where, oh, where was he?
1342
01:31:08,760 --> 01:31:11,927
Where could that man be?
1343
01:31:12,138 --> 01:31:13,965
We looked around
1344
01:31:14,182 --> 01:31:16,009
And then we found
1345
01:31:16,226 --> 01:31:19,926
The man for you and me
1346
01:31:33,576 --> 01:31:39,745
And now it's
1347
01:31:39,958 --> 01:31:46,672
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1348
01:31:46,881 --> 01:31:53,465
Deutschland is happy and gay
1349
01:31:53,680 --> 01:31:59,635
We're marching to a faster pace
1350
01:32:00,395 --> 01:32:06,065
Look out
Here comes the master race
1351
01:32:07,068 --> 01:32:13,403
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1352
01:32:13,950 --> 01:32:20,403
Rhineland's a fine land once more
1353
01:32:20,623 --> 01:32:25,831
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1354
01:32:26,963 --> 01:32:28,541
Watch out, Europe
1355
01:32:28,757 --> 01:32:33,917
We're going on tour
1356
01:32:34,137 --> 01:32:39,262
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1357
01:32:39,559 --> 01:32:40,757
Look, it's springtime
1358
01:32:40,977 --> 01:32:47,347
Winter for Poland and France
1359
01:32:47,609 --> 01:32:52,734
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1360
01:32:52,947 --> 01:32:54,406
Springtime
Springtime
1361
01:32:54,616 --> 01:32:56,110
Springtime
Springtime
1362
01:32:56,326 --> 01:32:57,524
Springtime
Springtime
1363
01:32:58,161 --> 01:32:59,952
Springtime
1364
01:33:00,830 --> 01:33:02,372
Come on, Germans
1365
01:33:02,582 --> 01:33:05,453
Go into your dance
1366
01:33:13,301 --> 01:33:17,381
I was born in Düsseldorf
And that is why they call me Rolf
1367
01:33:19,099 --> 01:33:23,096
Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi Party
1368
01:33:32,696 --> 01:33:35,899
Well, I never!
Talk about bad taste.
1369
01:33:40,787 --> 01:33:43,408
Come on, let's get out of here
before they kill us.
1370
01:34:03,393 --> 01:34:04,852
The Führer is coming
1371
01:34:05,061 --> 01:34:06,721
The Führer is coming
1372
01:34:06,938 --> 01:34:09,607
The Führer is coming
1373
01:34:11,067 --> 01:34:14,187
-Heil Hitler
-Heil Hitler
1374
01:34:14,404 --> 01:34:16,610
Heil Hitler
1375
01:34:17,490 --> 01:34:27,408
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1376
01:34:29,252 --> 01:34:31,624
Heil Hitler
1377
01:34:37,761 --> 01:34:42,090
Heil myself
1378
01:34:42,432 --> 01:34:45,967
Heil to me
1379
01:34:46,186 --> 01:34:48,511
I'm the Kraut who's out
1380
01:34:48,730 --> 01:34:51,055
To change our history
1381
01:34:51,274 --> 01:34:54,477
Heil myself
Raise your hand
1382
01:34:54,694 --> 01:34:58,359
There's no greater dictator
In the land
1383
01:34:58,573 --> 01:35:01,574
-Everything I do, I do for you
-Yes, you do
1384
01:35:01,785 --> 01:35:04,454
If you're looking for a war
Here's World War II
1385
01:35:04,662 --> 01:35:07,866
Heil myself
Raise your beer
1386
01:35:08,083 --> 01:35:10,574
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
Stand and cheer
1387
01:35:10,794 --> 01:35:12,204
Hooray
1388
01:35:13,797 --> 01:35:16,501
Heil myself
1389
01:35:17,133 --> 01:35:18,296
Heil myself
1390
01:35:18,510 --> 01:35:21,048
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
1391
01:35:21,262 --> 01:35:22,425
Stand and cheer
1392
01:35:22,639 --> 01:35:27,100
He's so cute
Let's give a salute and heil
1393
01:35:27,310 --> 01:35:29,766
Heil myself
1394
01:35:35,694 --> 01:35:37,271
I love you.
1395
01:35:47,414 --> 01:35:52,122
I was just a paperhanger
1396
01:35:52,335 --> 01:35:55,787
No one more obscurer
1397
01:35:56,006 --> 01:35:58,413
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
1398
01:35:58,633 --> 01:36:01,634
Told me I was Führer
1399
01:36:01,845 --> 01:36:03,469
Germany was blue
1400
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:07,131
Oh, what, oh, what to do?
1401
01:36:07,350 --> 01:36:09,307
Hitched up my pants
1402
01:36:09,519 --> 01:36:11,761
And conquered France
1403
01:36:11,980 --> 01:36:17,816
Now Deutschland's smiling through
1404
01:36:18,862 --> 01:36:21,613
Oh, it ain't no mystery
1405
01:36:21,823 --> 01:36:24,279
If it's politics or history
1406
01:36:24,492 --> 01:36:27,410
The thing you gotta know is
1407
01:36:27,620 --> 01:36:31,832
Everything is show biz
1408
01:36:33,168 --> 01:36:36,501
Heil myself
1409
01:36:36,713 --> 01:36:38,622
Watch my show
1410
01:36:38,840 --> 01:36:42,174
I'm the German Ethel Merman
Don't you know?
1411
01:36:42,385 --> 01:36:44,010
We are crossing borders
1412
01:36:44,220 --> 01:36:48,763
The New World Order is here
1413
01:36:48,975 --> 01:36:50,469
Make a great big smile
1414
01:36:50,685 --> 01:36:54,813
Everyone ''Sieg Heil'' to me
1415
01:36:55,023 --> 01:37:01,524
Wonderful me
1416
01:37:01,738 --> 01:37:05,818
And now it's springtime
1417
01:37:06,034 --> 01:37:11,704
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1418
01:37:12,540 --> 01:37:18,579
-Goose step
-Goose step's the new step today
1419
01:37:20,090 --> 01:37:26,424
Bombs falling from the skies again
1420
01:37:27,597 --> 01:37:33,386
Deutschland is on the rise again
1421
01:37:39,776 --> 01:37:45,530
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1422
01:37:47,367 --> 01:37:54,532
U-boats are sailing once more
1423
01:37:54,791 --> 01:38:00,912
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1424
01:38:03,049 --> 01:38:05,256
-Means that
-Soon we'll be going
1425
01:38:05,468 --> 01:38:09,252
-We've got to be going
-You know we'll be going
1426
01:38:09,472 --> 01:38:11,050
You bet we'll be going
1427
01:38:11,266 --> 01:38:14,849
You know we'll be going
1428
01:38:15,061 --> 01:38:21,942
To war
1429
01:38:36,249 --> 01:38:37,624
Roger!
1430
01:39:27,384 --> 01:39:29,092
"A satiric masterpiece.''
1431
01:39:29,761 --> 01:39:30,959
No way out.
1432
01:39:32,889 --> 01:39:34,549
"A surprise smash."
1433
01:39:34,766 --> 01:39:37,008
No way out.
1434
01:39:37,227 --> 01:39:39,800
" It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting...
1435
01:39:40,021 --> 01:39:41,848
...and I loved every minute of it."
1436
01:39:42,065 --> 01:39:43,524
No way out!
1437
01:39:43,733 --> 01:39:45,607
How could this happen?
1438
01:39:45,819 --> 01:39:50,030
We picked the wrong play,
the wrong director, the wrong cast.
1439
01:39:50,240 --> 01:39:52,695
Where did we go right?
1440
01:39:54,244 --> 01:39:56,782
" Congratulations."
1441
01:40:06,965 --> 01:40:09,372
-What are you doing?
-I'm taking these books...
1442
01:40:09,592 --> 01:40:11,300
...and I'm leaving.
1443
01:40:11,511 --> 01:40:14,180
Don't try and stop me.
I've made up my mind.
1444
01:40:14,389 --> 01:40:16,013
Wait. Where do you think
you're going?
1445
01:40:16,224 --> 01:40:18,264
I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.
1446
01:40:18,476 --> 01:40:20,054
I'm going to play ball with the lRS.
1447
01:40:20,270 --> 01:40:22,144
I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.
1448
01:40:22,355 --> 01:40:25,107
They'll reduce my sentence,
there's time off for good behaviour.
1449
01:40:25,316 --> 01:40:27,190
Maybe I'll get a job
in the prison library.
1450
01:40:27,402 --> 01:40:30,154
Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice working with you.
1451
01:40:31,197 --> 01:40:35,195
Leo. Leo. Leo.
1452
01:40:35,785 --> 01:40:37,742
Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.
1453
01:40:37,954 --> 01:40:39,532
Take it easy, all right?
1454
01:40:39,748 --> 01:40:42,036
You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.
1455
01:40:42,250 --> 01:40:43,531
You're acting out of panic.
1456
01:40:43,752 --> 01:40:46,124
Give me those frigging books!
Give me!
1457
01:40:46,338 --> 01:40:50,418
-Give me! Give me! Give me!
-I never should've listened to you.
1458
01:40:50,633 --> 01:40:52,875
I was an honest man
before I met you.
1459
01:40:53,094 --> 01:40:56,095
An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!
1460
01:40:56,306 --> 01:40:59,058
-Give me. Give me.
-How I hate you!
1461
01:40:59,267 --> 01:41:02,553
Double! Double! Double!
1462
01:41:11,946 --> 01:41:14,947
Fat! Fat!
1463
01:41:15,158 --> 01:41:16,700
I'm not that fat.
1464
01:41:16,910 --> 01:41:18,404
Fat!
1465
01:41:20,872 --> 01:41:22,497
Fat!
1466
01:41:23,291 --> 01:41:24,951
Fatty!
1467
01:41:25,460 --> 01:41:29,244
Fatso!
You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus.
1468
01:41:29,464 --> 01:41:30,792
Give me the fat books!
1469
01:41:31,007 --> 01:41:34,839
-Never, never!
-Fat, fat, fatty, fat!
1470
01:41:35,261 --> 01:41:36,969
-Oh, Jesus!
-Give them to me!
1471
01:41:37,180 --> 01:41:38,343
Give me the books!
1472
01:41:38,556 --> 01:41:40,051
-Congratulations!
-Congratulations!
1473
01:41:40,266 --> 01:41:42,140
-Give it to me! Give it to me!
-No! No!
1474
01:41:42,352 --> 01:41:44,890
-Give it to me! Give it to me!
-No! No!
1475
01:41:45,105 --> 01:41:46,978
Now, that's what I call celebrating.
1476
01:41:48,566 --> 01:41:50,892
You. You lousy fruit.
1477
01:41:51,111 --> 01:41:53,981
-You ruined me.
-You ungrateful breeder.
1478
01:41:54,197 --> 01:41:57,233
After he stepped in and saved
your little show, I cannot-- My chains!
1479
01:41:57,450 --> 01:42:00,487
-Leave him alone!
-My ltalian chains! My chains!
1480
01:42:05,333 --> 01:42:07,077
You have broken the Siegfried Oath.
1481
01:42:07,293 --> 01:42:09,535
You must die. You all must die!
1482
01:42:17,053 --> 01:42:19,888
What are you doing,
you neo-Nazi nitwit?
1483
01:42:20,098 --> 01:42:22,470
-Your show's a hit.
-Who cares?
1484
01:42:22,684 --> 01:42:24,427
You made a fool out of Hitler.
1485
01:42:24,644 --> 01:42:26,851
-He didn't need our help.
-He didn't need our help.
1486
01:42:30,066 --> 01:42:33,186
Stand still! How can I shoot you
if you keep moving?
1487
01:42:34,404 --> 01:42:35,863
Get back here!
1488
01:42:36,072 --> 01:42:38,029
Under the desk! Under the desk!
1489
01:42:38,908 --> 01:42:41,945
-Darling, quick, back in the closet.
-Okay.
1490
01:42:46,583 --> 01:42:48,291
This is no good.
1491
01:42:48,501 --> 01:42:50,992
I'm not killing anybody.
1492
01:42:51,338 --> 01:42:54,125
You must cooperate!
1493
01:42:56,426 --> 01:42:59,131
All right, Bialystock und Bloom.
1494
01:42:59,346 --> 01:43:00,888
Now I got you.
1495
01:43:01,097 --> 01:43:02,639
Say your prayers!
1496
01:43:03,266 --> 01:43:05,223
Remember I'd tell you
when we're in too deep?
1497
01:43:05,435 --> 01:43:07,226
-Yeah?
-We're in too deep.
1498
01:43:08,313 --> 01:43:10,720
Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!
1499
01:43:10,940 --> 01:43:13,562
Oh, no, no.
1500
01:43:15,737 --> 01:43:18,062
You snivelling cowards!
1501
01:43:18,281 --> 01:43:20,072
Cringing under a desk?
1502
01:43:20,283 --> 01:43:24,363
Clinging to life like baby butterflies.
1503
01:43:24,579 --> 01:43:27,913
Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!
1504
01:43:35,757 --> 01:43:38,378
Jammed.
Boy, when things go wrong....
1505
01:43:40,595 --> 01:43:43,679
That's it. Next time, no author.
1506
01:43:45,975 --> 01:43:48,134
What are you shooting
at us for anyway?
1507
01:43:48,353 --> 01:43:49,930
You Teutonic twit!
1508
01:43:51,481 --> 01:43:53,438
Wait. Wait a minute.
1509
01:43:53,650 --> 01:43:55,109
I just got an idea.
1510
01:43:55,318 --> 01:43:57,607
A way to close the show.
1511
01:43:57,821 --> 01:44:00,312
Franz, I--
1512
01:44:01,658 --> 01:44:06,403
-There, there.
-Where? Where?
1513
01:44:06,955 --> 01:44:08,698
Franz, listen to me.
1514
01:44:08,915 --> 01:44:11,240
Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good.
1515
01:44:11,459 --> 01:44:14,081
-Why don't you shoot the actors.
-The actors?
1516
01:44:14,295 --> 01:44:15,754
Yes, the actors.
1517
01:44:15,964 --> 01:44:19,000
Everybody laughed at your
beloved Führer tonight, and why?
1518
01:44:19,217 --> 01:44:22,052
Because of the actors.
The actors were making fun of him.
1519
01:44:22,262 --> 01:44:23,721
Yeah, you're right, the actors!
1520
01:44:23,930 --> 01:44:26,801
Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.
1521
01:44:27,017 --> 01:44:30,931
-Kill. Kill all the actors.
-I must kill all the actors.
1522
01:44:31,146 --> 01:44:33,637
Wait a minute!
1523
01:44:34,232 --> 01:44:35,975
What are you talking about?
1524
01:44:36,192 --> 01:44:38,944
What do you mean, " kill the actors"?
You can't kill the actors.
1525
01:44:39,154 --> 01:44:41,479
Actors are not animals.
They're human beings.
1526
01:44:41,698 --> 01:44:43,690
They are?
Have you ever eaten with one?
1527
01:44:43,908 --> 01:44:46,482
-Here. Listen--
-Open up, it's the police!
1528
01:44:46,703 --> 01:44:48,612
-The police!
-The police!
1529
01:44:50,081 --> 01:44:51,279
Come on, boys.
1530
01:44:51,499 --> 01:44:53,955
I was never a member
of the Nazi Party. I had nothing--
1531
01:44:54,169 --> 01:44:55,995
You, drop that gun.
1532
01:44:57,380 --> 01:44:58,839
-Ociffers!
-What's going on here?
1533
01:44:59,049 --> 01:45:00,507
This crazy Kraut is crackers!
1534
01:45:00,717 --> 01:45:02,840
He crashed in here
and crassly tried to kill us.
1535
01:45:03,053 --> 01:45:06,256
-Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
-Thank you, darling.
1536
01:45:08,141 --> 01:45:10,430
Okay, youse two can go.
1537
01:45:10,643 --> 01:45:12,553
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
1538
01:45:13,563 --> 01:45:15,188
Tried to kill him, eh?
1539
01:45:16,816 --> 01:45:18,524
Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.
1540
01:45:18,735 --> 01:45:20,194
Next stop, Sing Sing.
1541
01:45:20,403 --> 01:45:25,279
Sing Sing?
You'll never take me alive!
1542
01:45:30,413 --> 01:45:34,791
-What happened?
-I broke my other leg.
1543
01:45:40,632 --> 01:45:44,215
All right, who are you,
and why was he trying to shoot you?
1544
01:45:44,427 --> 01:45:48,211
I haven't the slightest idea,
Sergeant O'Toole.
1545
01:45:48,431 --> 01:45:51,551
The name is O'Bialystock.
1546
01:45:51,768 --> 01:45:55,718
I was just passing by on me way
to the Pat O'Brien Film Festival...
1547
01:45:55,939 --> 01:45:59,639
...and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.
1548
01:45:59,859 --> 01:46:04,735
And now I'll be on me way,
before me voice gets any higher.
1549
01:46:06,616 --> 01:46:09,736
As we say in the old country, "Taxi!"
1550
01:46:09,953 --> 01:46:11,198
Hold it!
1551
01:46:11,454 --> 01:46:12,913
Hey, sarge, look at this.
1552
01:46:13,123 --> 01:46:15,281
-What?
-I found these two accounting books.
1553
01:46:15,500 --> 01:46:20,874
-This one says, "Show to the lRS."
-And what's the other one say?
1554
01:46:21,089 --> 01:46:24,006
" Never show to the lRS."
1555
01:46:24,217 --> 01:46:26,922
I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.
1556
01:46:27,137 --> 01:46:31,549
-Three?
-Yeah, you and them two books.
1557
01:46:38,773 --> 01:46:41,347
Mr. Bialystock?
1558
01:46:41,818 --> 01:46:43,811
Mr. Bloom?
1559
01:46:44,029 --> 01:46:46,270
Where are you?
1560
01:46:46,489 --> 01:46:50,273
Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening-night party.
1561
01:46:50,493 --> 01:46:53,660
Ulla, help me.
1562
01:46:59,169 --> 01:47:01,790
What happened to you?
1563
01:47:02,922 --> 01:47:04,333
I know.
1564
01:47:04,549 --> 01:47:08,547
You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.
1565
01:47:20,065 --> 01:47:22,734
Thank you for helping me down.
1566
01:47:31,451 --> 01:47:33,029
What were you doing up there?
1567
01:47:33,244 --> 01:47:34,489
Hiding.
1568
01:47:34,704 --> 01:47:35,985
I was hiding.
1569
01:47:36,206 --> 01:47:38,163
From who? From what?
1570
01:47:38,375 --> 01:47:39,537
From the police.
1571
01:47:39,751 --> 01:47:43,001
They were just here.
They've arrested Max.
1572
01:47:43,213 --> 01:47:45,501
-They found the books?
-I don't know what to do.
1573
01:47:45,715 --> 01:47:46,913
Poor Max.
1574
01:47:47,133 --> 01:47:49,838
Maybe I should turn myself in
and go to jail with him.
1575
01:47:50,053 --> 01:47:54,430
Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max...
1576
01:47:54,808 --> 01:47:59,019
...but it seems to me
you have two choices.
1577
01:47:59,479 --> 01:48:03,690
Number one, you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock...
1578
01:48:03,900 --> 01:48:08,112
...for years and years and years.
1579
01:48:08,321 --> 01:48:10,943
Or number two...
1580
01:48:11,157 --> 01:48:16,614
...you can take that 2 million dollars
and Ulla, and go to Rio.
1581
01:48:16,830 --> 01:48:20,874
Oh, my God, what a dilemma.
1582
01:48:21,167 --> 01:48:23,041
Oh, what should I do?
1583
01:48:23,253 --> 01:48:27,251
Should I go to jail or go to Rio?
1584
01:48:29,843 --> 01:48:32,131
Mail call.
1585
01:48:32,554 --> 01:48:35,590
Hey, fatso.
1586
01:48:36,391 --> 01:48:38,514
I'm not that fat!
1587
01:48:38,727 --> 01:48:40,387
Says you.
1588
01:48:40,645 --> 01:48:42,721
You got a postcard.
1589
01:48:43,064 --> 01:48:44,973
A postcard? From where?
1590
01:48:45,442 --> 01:48:47,150
Brazil.
1591
01:48:48,111 --> 01:48:49,985
Brazil.
1592
01:48:50,530 --> 01:48:53,021
Who do I know in Brazil?
1593
01:48:53,950 --> 01:48:56,406
Why am I asking you?
1594
01:49:01,416 --> 01:49:05,164
" Dear Max, Rio is everything
you said it was and more.
1595
01:49:06,796 --> 01:49:09,418
Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.
1596
01:49:13,970 --> 01:49:16,924
In the morning, when we
have breakfast on our terrace...
1597
01:49:17,140 --> 01:49:18,718
...many different herrings.
1598
01:49:19,684 --> 01:49:23,931
In the afternoon, when we rub
each other's sun-drenched bodies...
1599
01:49:24,147 --> 01:49:30,268
... with banana-cream coconut oil,
number 15.
1600
01:49:31,654 --> 01:49:36,482
And then, in the evening, when
we samba together in the moonlight.''
1601
01:49:36,701 --> 01:49:39,951
You'll find your happiness in Rio
1602
01:49:40,163 --> 01:49:43,366
The beaches there
Are strewn with pearls
1603
01:49:43,583 --> 01:49:46,869
The tropic breezes
Always blow there
1604
01:49:47,087 --> 01:49:50,621
And so, we hear
Do the girls
1605
01:49:51,007 --> 01:49:54,376
''Sorry, must run. U lla's waiting.
1606
01:49:54,678 --> 01:49:57,632
It's almost 11.
1607
01:49:59,724 --> 01:50:01,633
Wish you were here.
1608
01:50:01,851 --> 01:50:06,145
Your pal, Leo.''
1609
01:50:07,524 --> 01:50:09,315
Just like Cain and Abel
1610
01:50:09,526 --> 01:50:11,898
You pulled a sneak attack
1611
01:50:12,112 --> 01:50:14,650
I thought that we were brothers
1612
01:50:14,864 --> 01:50:18,399
Then you stabbed me in the back
1613
01:50:18,618 --> 01:50:22,568
Betrayed
1614
01:50:22,789 --> 01:50:26,240
Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed
1615
01:50:27,168 --> 01:50:29,920
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
1616
01:50:30,130 --> 01:50:32,751
I'm crying in the hoosegow
You're in Rio getting laid
1617
01:50:32,966 --> 01:50:34,923
Betrayed
1618
01:50:35,135 --> 01:50:38,835
Let's face it, I'm betrayed
1619
01:50:39,222 --> 01:50:44,679
Boy, have I been taken
1620
01:50:45,103 --> 01:50:49,017
Oy, I'm so forsaken
1621
01:50:49,232 --> 01:50:50,726
I should have seen
What came to pass
1622
01:50:50,942 --> 01:50:52,484
I should have known
To watch my ass
1623
01:50:52,694 --> 01:50:55,232
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
1624
01:50:55,447 --> 01:50:56,692
Leo is Iago
1625
01:50:56,906 --> 01:50:58,235
Max is double-crossed
1626
01:50:58,450 --> 01:51:00,027
I'm so dismayed
1627
01:51:00,243 --> 01:51:02,366
Did I mention I'm betrayed?
1628
01:51:02,579 --> 01:51:05,533
Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail
1629
01:51:05,749 --> 01:51:09,497
I have no one who I can cry to
No one I can say goodbye to
1630
01:51:10,295 --> 01:51:12,169
I'm drowning!
1631
01:51:12,380 --> 01:51:13,874
I'm drowning!
1632
01:51:14,090 --> 01:51:15,882
I'm drowning here!
1633
01:51:16,092 --> 01:51:19,710
I'm going down for the last time.
1634
01:51:20,388 --> 01:51:24,884
I can see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
1635
01:51:25,226 --> 01:51:30,897
I see a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.
1636
01:51:31,149 --> 01:51:35,610
I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.
1637
01:51:35,820 --> 01:51:38,691
No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.
1638
01:51:41,117 --> 01:51:42,909
And I see my mother.
1639
01:51:43,119 --> 01:51:46,737
I see Mama standing
on the back porch...
1640
01:51:46,956 --> 01:51:49,827
...in a worn but clean
gingham gown.
1641
01:51:50,043 --> 01:51:53,246
And I hear my mama
calling out to me.
1642
01:51:53,463 --> 01:51:54,791
Alvin!
1643
01:51:55,006 --> 01:51:56,963
Don't forget your chores.
1644
01:51:57,175 --> 01:52:00,093
The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking.
1645
01:52:00,303 --> 01:52:03,090
Alvin! Alvin!
1646
01:52:04,641 --> 01:52:05,921
Wait a minute.
1647
01:52:06,142 --> 01:52:08,265
My name's not Alvin.
1648
01:52:08,603 --> 01:52:10,643
That's not my life.
1649
01:52:11,106 --> 01:52:14,688
Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.
1650
01:52:16,319 --> 01:52:19,569
What the hell is that about?
1651
01:52:19,864 --> 01:52:22,949
I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.
1652
01:52:33,420 --> 01:52:37,916
But wait, now I remember
1653
01:52:38,133 --> 01:52:40,505
How did it begin?
He walked into my office
1654
01:52:40,719 --> 01:52:42,296
With his cockamamie scheme
1655
01:52:42,512 --> 01:52:44,884
You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit
1656
01:52:45,098 --> 01:52:47,387
We can do it
We can do it
1657
01:52:47,600 --> 01:52:49,640
I can't do it
We can do it
1658
01:52:49,853 --> 01:52:52,474
I can't do it
Goodbye, Max
1659
01:52:52,689 --> 01:52:55,144
Lord, I want that money
I'm back, Max
1660
01:52:55,358 --> 01:52:56,639
Come on, Leo, we can do it
1661
01:52:56,860 --> 01:52:58,817
Step one, find the play
1662
01:52:59,029 --> 01:53:01,983
See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mr. Liebkind
1663
01:53:02,198 --> 01:53:03,479
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1664
01:53:03,700 --> 01:53:05,277
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
1665
01:53:05,535 --> 01:53:07,409
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1666
01:53:07,620 --> 01:53:10,621
Step two, hire the director
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it--
1667
01:53:10,832 --> 01:53:12,908
Two, three, kick,
Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn
1668
01:53:13,126 --> 01:53:14,704
U lla
1669
01:53:15,420 --> 01:53:17,247
Step three, raise the money
1670
01:53:17,589 --> 01:53:19,747
Along came Bialy
1671
01:53:19,966 --> 01:53:22,255
Step four, hire all the actors
1672
01:53:22,469 --> 01:53:24,710
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and--
1673
01:53:24,929 --> 01:53:27,005
Next
The little wooden boy
1674
01:53:27,223 --> 01:53:29,015
Next
That's our Hitler
1675
01:53:29,642 --> 01:53:31,682
Break a leg
I broke my leg
1676
01:53:31,895 --> 01:53:33,934
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1677
01:53:34,147 --> 01:53:37,314
A surprise smash
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
1678
01:53:37,525 --> 01:53:39,898
It'll run for years!
Where did we go right?
1679
01:53:40,111 --> 01:53:41,819
Where did we go right?
1680
01:53:42,072 --> 01:53:43,732
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
1681
01:53:43,948 --> 01:53:45,608
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
1682
01:53:45,825 --> 01:53:48,363
Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat
1683
01:53:48,578 --> 01:53:50,037
Lousy fruit
Kill the actors
1684
01:53:50,246 --> 01:53:51,824
You ever eat with one?
1685
01:53:52,040 --> 01:53:54,994
Then you ran to Rio
And you're safely out of reach
1686
01:53:55,210 --> 01:53:56,538
I'm behind these bars
1687
01:53:56,753 --> 01:54:01,545
You're banging U lla on the beach
1688
01:54:01,841 --> 01:54:05,293
Just like Julius Caesar
1689
01:54:05,512 --> 01:54:07,718
Was betrayed by Brutus
1690
01:54:07,972 --> 01:54:11,258
Who'd think an accountant
Would turn out to be my Judas
1691
01:54:11,476 --> 01:54:13,967
I'm so dismayed
1692
01:54:14,187 --> 01:54:18,399
Is this how I'm repaid?
1693
01:54:18,608 --> 01:54:20,565
To be
1694
01:54:20,777 --> 01:54:28,192
Betrayed
1695
01:54:28,410 --> 01:54:30,533
Betrayed
1696
01:54:32,914 --> 01:54:36,365
Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?
1697
01:54:36,960 --> 01:54:40,080
Yes, Your Honour, we have.
1698
01:54:40,422 --> 01:54:42,545
We find the defendant...
1699
01:54:42,757 --> 01:54:44,916
...incredibly guilty.
1700
01:54:48,138 --> 01:54:50,379
Hold me, touch me.
1701
01:54:51,641 --> 01:54:53,848
I'm a little busy.
1702
01:54:54,185 --> 01:54:58,397
Does the defendant have
anything to say on his own behalf?
1703
01:54:59,983 --> 01:55:02,308
Yes, Your Honour, I do.
1704
01:55:03,319 --> 01:55:08,065
I admit, for the last 20 years
I've been a lying, double-crossing...
1705
01:55:08,283 --> 01:55:11,616
...two-faced, backstabbing,
despicable crook.
1706
01:55:11,828 --> 01:55:13,287
But I had no choice.
1707
01:55:14,664 --> 01:55:17,618
I was a Broadway producer.
1708
01:55:18,501 --> 01:55:19,996
A man without a conscience...
1709
01:55:20,295 --> 01:55:22,702
...and with no one
who gave a damn about him.
1710
01:55:22,922 --> 01:55:25,710
And that, Your Honour,
is what hurts the most.
1711
01:55:26,217 --> 01:55:30,049
I thought I'd at last
found a loyal partner.
1712
01:55:30,722 --> 01:55:33,177
A man I cared about...
1713
01:55:33,516 --> 01:55:35,474
...and who I thought
cared about me.
1714
01:55:36,019 --> 01:55:37,394
What breaks my heart is now...
1715
01:55:37,604 --> 01:55:39,929
...when I need him most,
he's deserted me.
1716
01:55:40,148 --> 01:55:42,639
I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.
1717
01:55:42,859 --> 01:55:44,270
That's not true!
1718
01:55:48,948 --> 01:55:50,324
Order! Order in the court!
1719
01:55:50,909 --> 01:55:53,614
And stop that samba!
1720
01:55:54,871 --> 01:55:57,991
-Who are you?
-I am Leopold Bloom...
1721
01:55:58,208 --> 01:56:01,043
...Max Bialystock's partner.
1722
01:56:01,252 --> 01:56:03,494
And who are you, my dear?
1723
01:56:03,713 --> 01:56:07,248
My name is
Ulla lnga Hansen Benson...
1724
01:56:07,467 --> 01:56:12,627
...Yonsen Tallen-Hallen
Svaden Svanson Bloom.
1725
01:56:12,847 --> 01:56:14,390
Bloom?
1726
01:56:14,599 --> 01:56:17,173
-You're his wife?
-Ja, Your Honour.
1727
01:56:17,394 --> 01:56:20,145
He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.
1728
01:56:21,356 --> 01:56:22,554
What a schmuck.
1729
01:56:24,776 --> 01:56:27,148
Now, Mr. Bloom,
why in the world would you...
1730
01:56:27,362 --> 01:56:29,687
...want to come back here
and give yourself up?
1731
01:56:29,906 --> 01:56:32,527
Why? To speak on his behalf.
1732
01:56:33,493 --> 01:56:38,404
We all know that Max Bialystock
is a lying, double-crossing...
1733
01:56:38,623 --> 01:56:43,119
...two-faced, slimy,
manipulative, underhanded--
1734
01:56:43,336 --> 01:56:44,914
Please...
1735
01:56:45,422 --> 01:56:46,832
...don't help me.
1736
01:56:48,925 --> 01:56:51,879
Your Honour-- Your honour,
if I may address the court.
1737
01:56:53,179 --> 01:56:58,719
The law was created to protect
people from being wronged.
1738
01:56:58,935 --> 01:57:02,719
So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?
1739
01:57:02,939 --> 01:57:05,975
-Well, not these dear ladies.
-No.
1740
01:57:06,192 --> 01:57:08,268
And not me, not--
1741
01:57:08,778 --> 01:57:10,687
Not me.
1742
01:57:11,114 --> 01:57:13,237
I was this nobody.
1743
01:57:13,450 --> 01:57:16,735
No one ever called me '' Leo" before.
1744
01:57:16,953 --> 01:57:20,037
I mean, Your Honour,
I know it isn't a big legal point...
1745
01:57:20,248 --> 01:57:24,412
...but even when I was in kindergarten
everybody always called me '' Bloom."
1746
01:57:24,919 --> 01:57:28,917
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that even when I was in Rio...
1747
01:57:29,132 --> 01:57:33,841
...and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of...
1748
01:57:37,140 --> 01:57:39,548
...I suddenly realized that--
1749
01:57:39,768 --> 01:57:41,844
That this man....
1750
01:57:42,896 --> 01:57:44,556
This man....
1751
01:57:45,398 --> 01:57:48,684
No one ever made me
Feel like someone
1752
01:57:49,194 --> 01:57:51,151
Till him
1753
01:57:53,698 --> 01:57:57,233
Life was really nothing
But a glum one
1754
01:57:57,452 --> 01:58:00,821
Till him
1755
01:58:01,706 --> 01:58:05,455
My existence bordered on the tragic
1756
01:58:05,919 --> 01:58:09,204
Always timid
Never took a chance
1757
01:58:10,006 --> 01:58:11,963
Then I felt his magic
1758
01:58:12,175 --> 01:58:16,754
And my heart began to dance
1759
01:58:18,223 --> 01:58:21,758
I was always frightened
Fraught with worry
1760
01:58:22,018 --> 01:58:24,260
Till him
1761
01:58:26,523 --> 01:58:29,974
I was going nowhere in a hurry
1762
01:58:30,193 --> 01:58:34,606
Till him
1763
01:58:34,948 --> 01:58:39,159
He filled up my empty life
1764
01:58:39,536 --> 01:58:44,661
Filled it to the brim
1765
01:58:44,874 --> 01:58:50,995
There could never
Ever be another one
1766
01:58:52,841 --> 01:58:58,511
Like him
1767
01:59:02,058 --> 01:59:03,636
Leo....
1768
01:59:10,108 --> 01:59:11,602
Leo...
1769
01:59:11,818 --> 01:59:14,226
...I never realized.
1770
01:59:15,613 --> 01:59:19,362
-You're a good singer.
-Thank you.
1771
01:59:19,576 --> 01:59:23,870
-No, really, like a professional.
-Well, I sang it for you, Max.
1772
01:59:24,080 --> 01:59:27,081
I sang it because I'm your friend.
1773
01:59:28,335 --> 01:59:29,912
You are?
1774
01:59:31,004 --> 01:59:33,874
I've had a lot of relationships...
1775
01:59:34,090 --> 01:59:36,130
...but you couldn't call
any of them "friend."
1776
01:59:36,343 --> 01:59:38,335
But come to think of it...
1777
01:59:38,595 --> 01:59:41,928
...no one ever, ever really knew me.
1778
01:59:42,140 --> 01:59:45,556
Till him
1779
01:59:47,520 --> 01:59:51,352
Everyone was always out
To screw me
1780
01:59:51,566 --> 01:59:55,564
Till him
1781
01:59:56,863 --> 02:00:01,157
Never met a man I ever trusted
1782
02:00:01,451 --> 02:00:05,780
Always dealt with shysters
In the past
1783
02:00:06,039 --> 02:00:08,364
Now I'm well-adjusted
1784
02:00:08,583 --> 02:00:14,704
'Cause I've got a friend at last
1785
02:00:18,593 --> 02:00:20,586
Don't help me.
1786
02:00:20,804 --> 02:00:25,098
Always playing singles
Never doubles
1787
02:00:25,308 --> 02:00:28,095
Till him
1788
02:00:42,659 --> 02:00:47,120
Never had a pal
To share my troubles
1789
02:00:47,330 --> 02:00:51,957
Till him
1790
02:00:52,544 --> 02:00:57,122
He filled up my empty life
1791
02:00:57,757 --> 02:01:02,965
-Filled it to the brim
-Filled it to the brim
1792
02:01:03,388 --> 02:01:06,009
There could never ever be
1793
02:01:06,224 --> 02:01:11,930
Another one
1794
02:01:14,357 --> 02:01:24,192
Like him
1795
02:01:29,622 --> 02:01:31,615
Gentlemen, it breaks my heart...
1796
02:01:31,833 --> 02:01:34,205
...to break up
such a beautiful friendship.
1797
02:01:34,419 --> 02:01:36,127
So I won't.
1798
02:01:36,338 --> 02:01:39,007
Five years in the state penitentiary
at Sing Sing.
1799
02:01:41,217 --> 02:01:44,421
Gotta sing, sing
1800
02:01:44,721 --> 02:01:48,172
Gotta sing, sing
1801
02:01:48,391 --> 02:01:50,218
Oh, you can lock us up
1802
02:01:50,435 --> 02:01:52,558
Und lose the key
1803
02:01:52,771 --> 02:01:54,313
But hearts in love
1804
02:01:54,522 --> 02:01:55,851
Are always free
1805
02:01:56,066 --> 02:01:57,061
Come on, boys.
1806
02:01:57,275 --> 02:01:58,817
Prisoners of love
1807
02:01:59,027 --> 02:02:00,521
Blue skies above
1808
02:02:00,737 --> 02:02:04,070
'Cause we're still prisoners of love
1809
02:02:04,324 --> 02:02:06,363
Congratulations.
1810
02:02:08,078 --> 02:02:11,244
You now own 45 percent...
1811
02:02:13,458 --> 02:02:15,700
...of Prisoners of Love. Next!
1812
02:02:15,919 --> 02:02:18,207
-How much have you sold so far?
-Six hundred percent.
1813
02:02:18,421 --> 02:02:21,956
ls that all? Keep selling.
Keep selling.
1814
02:02:22,592 --> 02:02:26,672
All right, break it up! Break it up!
Quiet! Give me that.
1815
02:02:26,888 --> 02:02:28,881
How many times do
I have to tell you guys?
1816
02:02:29,099 --> 02:02:31,803
No knife fights in rehearsal.
1817
02:02:34,437 --> 02:02:36,477
Hi. What are you in for,
lack of rhythm?
1818
02:02:36,690 --> 02:02:39,062
Get in line.
Everybody get in line, right away!
1819
02:02:39,275 --> 02:02:41,517
All right, you animals,
let's take it all together!
1820
02:02:41,736 --> 02:02:44,523
From the top! Hit it, Franz!
1821
02:02:45,907 --> 02:02:47,698
Prisoners of love
1822
02:02:47,909 --> 02:02:49,652
Blue skies above
1823
02:02:49,869 --> 02:02:53,784
-Can't keep our hearts in jail
-Tempo, fellas! Pick up that tempo!
1824
02:02:53,998 --> 02:02:55,493
-Prisoners of love
-That's it.
1825
02:02:55,709 --> 02:02:58,709
-Our turtledoves
-Okay, just the murderers!
1826
02:02:58,920 --> 02:03:00,498
Hey, you.
1827
02:03:00,714 --> 02:03:03,917
The warden wants to get in
on this thing.
1828
02:03:06,678 --> 02:03:09,762
Tell the warden he now owns
100 percent of Prisoners of Love.
1829
02:03:09,973 --> 02:03:12,380
-Thank you.
-Sing out, criminals.
1830
02:03:12,600 --> 02:03:14,308
Let them hear you in solitary.
1831
02:03:14,519 --> 02:03:15,847
Take it home, boys.
1832
02:03:16,062 --> 02:03:20,060
We open in Leavenworth
on Saturday night!
1833
02:03:20,275 --> 02:03:24,059
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind,
good news!
1834
02:03:24,279 --> 02:03:25,773
This just came from the governor.
1835
02:03:25,989 --> 02:03:28,231
"Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon...
1836
02:03:28,450 --> 02:03:31,534
...for having, through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter...
1837
02:03:31,745 --> 02:03:35,612
...into the hearts of every murderer,
rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
1838
02:03:35,832 --> 02:03:38,204
-You're free!
-Free?
1839
02:03:38,418 --> 02:03:41,123
Next stop, Prisoners of Love
on Broadway!
1840
02:03:41,338 --> 02:03:45,798
-Broadway!
-Adolf, you must tell the other birds.
1841
02:03:46,009 --> 02:03:51,763
But hearts in love
Are always free
1842
02:03:56,936 --> 02:04:00,934
Gotta sing, sing
1843
02:04:01,149 --> 02:04:04,767
Sing, sing
1844
02:04:04,986 --> 02:04:08,236
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1845
02:04:08,656 --> 02:04:12,156
-Can't keep our hearts in jail
-Can't keep our hearts in jail
1846
02:04:12,369 --> 02:04:13,993
Prisoners of love
1847
02:04:14,204 --> 02:04:17,988
-Our turtledoves
-Soon coming 'round with bail
1848
02:04:18,208 --> 02:04:20,995
-Tote that bale
-Oh, you can lock us up
1849
02:04:21,211 --> 02:04:23,168
And lose the key
1850
02:04:23,380 --> 02:04:27,164
But hearts in love
Are always free
1851
02:04:27,384 --> 02:04:28,961
Prisoners of love
1852
02:04:29,177 --> 02:04:30,588
Blue skies above
1853
02:04:30,804 --> 02:04:32,512
'Cause we're still prisoners
1854
02:04:32,889 --> 02:04:34,264
We're still prisoners
1855
02:04:34,766 --> 02:04:37,387
We're still prisoners of love
1856
02:04:37,602 --> 02:04:41,849
-Love, love, love
-Love, love, love, love
1857
02:04:42,357 --> 02:04:44,100
Love, love, love, love
1858
02:04:44,317 --> 02:04:51,399
Love
1859
02:05:06,464 --> 02:05:08,291
Leo and Max
1860
02:05:08,508 --> 02:05:10,417
Up off our backs
1861
02:05:10,635 --> 02:05:14,384
Back on the Great White Way
1862
02:05:14,597 --> 02:05:16,555
Leo and Max
1863
02:05:16,766 --> 02:05:18,391
Back on our tracks
1864
02:05:18,601 --> 02:05:21,887
We're back on top to stay
1865
02:05:22,105 --> 02:05:26,268
So when we take your money
Never fear
1866
02:05:26,484 --> 02:05:30,233
We'll knock Broadway
Right on its ear
1867
02:05:30,447 --> 02:05:32,238
The cast is great
The script is swell
1868
02:05:32,449 --> 02:05:34,109
But this we're telling you, sirs
1869
02:05:34,325 --> 02:05:35,950
It's just no go
You've got no show
1870
02:05:36,161 --> 02:05:39,327
Without the producers
1871
02:05:42,125 --> 02:05:44,877
We'll never quit
1872
02:05:45,086 --> 02:05:46,415
Hit after hit
1873
02:05:50,633 --> 02:05:55,758
The producers
Leo and Max
1874
02:07:45,290 --> 02:07:47,366
The overture is over
1875
02:07:47,584 --> 02:07:49,790
The curtain starts to rise
1876
02:07:50,003 --> 02:07:52,079
You're suddenly in clover
1877
02:07:52,297 --> 02:07:54,586
You can't believe your eyes
1878
02:07:54,799 --> 02:07:56,875
You're sitting on the aisle
1879
02:07:57,093 --> 02:07:59,300
You break into a smile
1880
02:07:59,512 --> 02:08:01,422
Why this magic feeling?
1881
02:08:01,639 --> 02:08:05,803
And then you realize
1882
02:08:06,019 --> 02:08:09,055
That there is
1883
02:08:09,272 --> 02:08:13,400
Nothing like a show on Broadway
1884
02:08:13,610 --> 02:08:17,608
Nothing like a Broadway show
1885
02:08:17,822 --> 02:08:21,357
Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway
1886
02:08:21,576 --> 02:08:24,067
If you're feeling blue
I'm telling you
1887
02:08:24,287 --> 02:08:26,161
That's the place to go
1888
02:08:26,373 --> 02:08:28,412
Movies drag
Their endings sag
1889
02:08:28,625 --> 02:08:30,249
TV's just a bore
1890
02:08:30,460 --> 02:08:32,417
So hit the street
And move your feet
1891
02:08:32,629 --> 02:08:34,123
To the place we all adore
1892
02:08:34,339 --> 02:08:38,882
Because there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway
1893
02:08:39,094 --> 02:08:43,008
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
1894
02:08:43,223 --> 02:08:44,931
It's often been said
The theatre is dead
1895
02:08:45,141 --> 02:08:46,801
The critics repeat it en masse
1896
02:08:47,018 --> 02:08:48,810
But the theatre's alive
It's gonna survive
1897
02:08:49,020 --> 02:08:50,598
Although it's a pain in the ass
1898
02:08:50,814 --> 02:08:52,605
You waited forever
And finally got tickets
1899
02:08:52,816 --> 02:08:54,642
To get to your seat
You gotta cross pickets
1900
02:08:54,859 --> 02:08:56,651
The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight
1901
02:08:56,861 --> 02:08:59,103
The guy to your left
Appears to have rickets
1902
02:08:59,322 --> 02:09:01,196
The music's yuck
The lyrics suck
1903
02:09:01,408 --> 02:09:03,234
The casting is all wrong
1904
02:09:03,451 --> 02:09:05,278
And when you reach the bathroom
1905
02:09:05,495 --> 02:09:06,775
The line is five miles long
1906
02:09:06,996 --> 02:09:11,243
But still there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway
1907
02:09:11,459 --> 02:09:15,327
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
1908
02:09:15,547 --> 02:09:17,255
You swear you'll never go again
1909
02:09:17,465 --> 02:09:19,292
It's simply not worthwhile
1910
02:09:19,509 --> 02:09:21,549
You make that v ow
And then somehow
1911
02:09:21,761 --> 02:09:26,257
-You're back there on the aisle
-You're back there on the aisle
1912
02:09:26,474 --> 02:09:29,678
That's why there's
1913
02:09:29,894 --> 02:09:33,726
Nothing like a show
On Broadway
1914
02:09:33,940 --> 02:09:36,396
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
1915
02:09:36,609 --> 02:09:37,985
Till you're in movies
1916
02:09:38,194 --> 02:09:42,406
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
1917
02:09:42,615 --> 02:09:46,744
And though it is expensive
At a hundred bucks a throw
1918
02:09:46,953 --> 02:09:49,574
There's nothing
1919
02:09:49,789 --> 02:09:56,291
Like a Broadway show!
1920
02:13:08,405 --> 02:13:11,655
Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf...
1921
02:13:11,866 --> 02:13:14,073
...in paperback.
1922
02:13:15,745 --> 02:13:18,865
Available near you...
1923
02:13:19,916 --> 02:13:22,489
...at Borders books...
1924
02:13:22,711 --> 02:13:25,284
...or Barnes & Noble...
1925
02:13:25,714 --> 02:13:29,498
...und amazon.com.
1926
02:13:41,104 --> 02:13:43,856
Thanks for coming
To see our show
1927
02:13:44,065 --> 02:13:46,687
Sad to tell you
We got to go
1928
02:13:46,901 --> 02:13:49,227
Grab your hat
And head for the door
1929
02:13:49,529 --> 02:13:50,727
In case you didn't notice
1930
02:13:50,947 --> 02:13:52,406
There ain't any more
1931
02:13:52,615 --> 02:13:55,153
If you like our show
Tell everyone but
1932
02:13:55,452 --> 02:13:59,034
If you think it stinks
Keep your big mouth shut
1933
02:13:59,372 --> 02:14:02,077
We're glad you came but
We have to shout
1934
02:14:02,292 --> 02:14:03,490
-Adíos
-Au rev oir
1935
02:14:03,710 --> 02:14:05,085
-Wiedersehen
-Ta-ta-ta
1936
02:14:05,295 --> 02:14:07,501
-Goodbye
-Get lost
1937
02:14:07,714 --> 02:14:11,297
Get out
1938
02:14:11,801 --> 02:14:13,177
It's over.