1 00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:57,867 This is a story about a man named Harold Crick. 2 00:00:58,078 --> 00:01:00,308 And his wristwatch. 3 00:01:00,881 --> 00:01:03,577 Harold Crick was a man of infinite numbers... 4 00:01:03,784 --> 00:01:07,447 ...endless calculations and remarkably few words. 5 00:01:07,655 --> 00:01:10,522 And his wristwatch said even less. 6 00:01:12,259 --> 00:01:15,092 Every weekday, for 12 years... 7 00:01:15,296 --> 00:01:20,734 ...Harold would brush each of his 32 teeth 76 times. 8 00:01:22,336 --> 00:01:24,861 Thirty-eight times back and forth. 9 00:01:25,406 --> 00:01:27,738 Thirty-eight times up and down. 10 00:01:29,210 --> 00:01:31,804 Every weekday, for 12 years... 11 00:01:32,012 --> 00:01:36,073 ...Harold would tie his tie in a single Windsor knot instead of the double... 12 00:01:36,283 --> 00:01:39,309 ...thereby saving up to 43 seconds. 13 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:44,822 His wristwatch thought the single Windsor made his neck look fat... 14 00:01:45,025 --> 00:01:46,617 ...but said nothing. 15 00:01:50,097 --> 00:01:52,327 Every weekday, for 12 years... 16 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:57,163 ...Harold would run at a rate of nearly 57 steps per block for six blocks... 17 00:01:57,371 --> 00:02:00,704 ...barely catching the 8: 17 Kronecker bus. 18 00:02:01,342 --> 00:02:02,969 His wristwatch would delight... 19 00:02:03,177 --> 00:02:07,079 ...in the feeling of the crisp wind rushing over its face. 20 00:02:15,756 --> 00:02:17,690 And every weekday, for 12 years... 21 00:02:17,892 --> 00:02:21,259 ...Harold would review 7. 134 tax files... 22 00:02:21,462 --> 00:02:25,330 ...as a senior agent for the Internal Revenue Service. 23 00:02:25,866 --> 00:02:29,495 Regs section 1.469-2, Diane. Thanks. 24 00:02:29,703 --> 00:02:32,069 Good morning. IRS. 25 00:02:33,073 --> 00:02:35,837 Harold, 89 times 1417? 26 00:02:36,577 --> 00:02:38,704 126,113. 27 00:02:38,913 --> 00:02:39,880 That adds up. 28 00:02:40,347 --> 00:02:44,579 Only taking a 45. 7-minute lunch break... 29 00:02:45,686 --> 00:02:48,985 ...and a 4.3- Minute coffee break... 30 00:02:49,189 --> 00:02:52,283 ...timed precisely by his wristwatch. 31 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:53,886 Oh, great. 32 00:02:54,094 --> 00:02:56,392 Yeah, we'll go to Mullen's or we'll... 33 00:02:57,031 --> 00:03:01,127 Beyond that, Harold lived a life of solitude. 34 00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:04,400 He would walk home alone. 35 00:03:06,307 --> 00:03:08,741 He would eat alone. 36 00:03:16,216 --> 00:03:20,118 And at precisely 11: 13 every night... 37 00:03:20,321 --> 00:03:23,085 ...Harold would go to bed alone... 38 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:28,091 ...placing his wristwatch to rest on the nightstand beside him. 39 00:03:29,229 --> 00:03:33,256 That was, of course, before Wednesday. 40 00:03:34,902 --> 00:03:40,101 On Wednesday, Harold's wristwatch changed everything. 41 00:03:46,647 --> 00:03:48,274 Oh, my God, you got it? 42 00:03:48,482 --> 00:03:49,608 I got it. 43 00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:51,515 I got it. 44 00:04:04,231 --> 00:04:06,699 If one had asked Harold, he would have said... 45 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:11,701 ...that this particular Wednesday was exactly like all the Wednesdays prior. 46 00:04:11,905 --> 00:04:14,032 And he began it the same way he... 47 00:04:24,818 --> 00:04:28,049 And he began it the same way he always did. 48 00:04:31,291 --> 00:04:32,383 Hello? 49 00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:45,266 He began it the same way he always did. 50 00:04:45,472 --> 00:04:47,099 When others' minds would... 51 00:04:47,307 --> 00:04:48,604 Hello? Is someone there? 52 00:04:55,983 --> 00:04:59,646 When others' minds would fantasize about their upcoming day... 53 00:04:59,853 --> 00:05:03,949 ...or even try to grip onto the final moments of their dreams... 54 00:05:04,158 --> 00:05:07,992 ...Harold just counted brushstrokes. 55 00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:12,958 All right, who just said, "Harold just counted brushstrokes"? 56 00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:15,465 And how do you know I'm counting brushstrokes? 57 00:05:16,136 --> 00:05:17,535 Hello? 58 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,940 It was remarkable how the simple, modest... 59 00:05:26,513 --> 00:05:28,572 It was remarkable h... 60 00:05:32,519 --> 00:05:37,013 It was remarkable how the simple, modest elements of Harold's life... 61 00:05:37,224 --> 00:05:39,385 ...so often taken for granted... 62 00:05:39,593 --> 00:05:44,997 ...would become the catalyst for an entirely new life. 63 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:47,761 Harold ran for the bus... 64 00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:51,267 ...his stiff leather shoes making a terrible squeaking sound... 65 00:05:51,472 --> 00:05:54,168 ...as they flexed against the asphalt. 66 00:05:59,613 --> 00:06:03,174 And though this was an extraordinary day... 67 00:06:03,383 --> 00:06:07,217 ...a day to be remembered for the rest of Harold's life... 68 00:06:07,421 --> 00:06:10,185 ...Harold just thought it was a Wednesday. 69 00:06:11,058 --> 00:06:12,685 I'm sorry, did you hear that? 70 00:06:13,927 --> 00:06:16,760 The voice. Did you hear it? "Harold thought it was a Wednesday"? 71 00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:19,395 Don't worry, it is Wednesday. 72 00:06:19,867 --> 00:06:23,633 No, no, did you hear it? "Harold just thought it was a Wednesday"? 73 00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:27,099 - Who's Harold? - I'm Harold. 74 00:06:27,708 --> 00:06:29,903 Harold, it's okay, it's Wednesday. 75 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,577 No, no, I... 76 00:06:32,146 --> 00:06:33,738 Never mind. 77 00:06:35,315 --> 00:06:37,749 Harold couldn't concentrate on his work. 78 00:06:37,951 --> 00:06:38,918 Excuse me, Harold? 79 00:06:39,119 --> 00:06:42,054 His thoughts were scattered. His mind elsewhere. 80 00:06:42,256 --> 00:06:43,587 Sorry. 81 00:06:43,991 --> 00:06:46,619 Someone here should be able to fix... Hold on a second. 82 00:06:46,827 --> 00:06:50,092 Hey, Harold. What's 67 times 453? 83 00:06:50,297 --> 00:06:54,097 When a coworker asked the product of 67 and 453... 84 00:06:54,301 --> 00:06:56,496 You know what? I can't think while you're talking. 85 00:06:56,703 --> 00:06:58,193 ...he drew a blank. 86 00:06:58,405 --> 00:06:59,372 - What? - What? 87 00:06:59,606 --> 00:07:03,702 - Harold quickly answered, "30,351." - What? Oh, nothing. 30,351. 88 00:07:03,911 --> 00:07:07,210 Despite the answer really being 31,305. 89 00:07:07,414 --> 00:07:12,010 Wait, wait, wait, 31,305. Sorry. 90 00:07:14,755 --> 00:07:18,054 Dude, I just totally caught some insurance adjuster... 91 00:07:18,258 --> 00:07:20,920 ...claiming his jet ski as a work vehicle. 92 00:07:22,796 --> 00:07:24,161 I'll tell you, it is a shame... 93 00:07:24,364 --> 00:07:27,299 ...that they don't give out an auditor of the year award. 94 00:07:29,603 --> 00:07:30,934 Dude? 95 00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,271 You okay? 96 00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:36,501 Dave, I'm being followed. 97 00:07:41,281 --> 00:07:43,715 How are you being followed? You're not moving. 98 00:07:44,017 --> 00:07:46,815 - It's by a voice. - What? 99 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:49,818 I'm being followed by a woman's voice. 100 00:07:52,826 --> 00:07:54,293 Okay. 101 00:07:56,163 --> 00:07:57,994 What is she saying? 102 00:07:58,699 --> 00:08:00,667 She's narrating. 103 00:08:05,372 --> 00:08:08,307 Harold, you're staring at boxes, what is she narrating? 104 00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:10,806 No, no, no. I had to stop filing. 105 00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:12,842 Watch. Watch. Listen. Listen. 106 00:08:15,015 --> 00:08:17,313 The sound the paper made against the folder... 107 00:08:17,517 --> 00:08:21,783 ...had the same tone as a wave scraping against sand. 108 00:08:23,056 --> 00:08:24,648 And when Harold thought about it... 109 00:08:24,858 --> 00:08:27,088 ...he listened to enough waves every day... 110 00:08:27,294 --> 00:08:32,163 ...to constitute what he imagined to be a deep and endless ocean. 111 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,899 Did you hear that? 112 00:08:35,102 --> 00:08:36,501 You mean you filing? 113 00:08:36,703 --> 00:08:38,295 No, no, no, the voice. 114 00:08:39,406 --> 00:08:40,634 No. 115 00:08:42,075 --> 00:08:46,478 Frightening part is sometimes I do imagine a deep and endless ocean. 116 00:08:47,514 --> 00:08:48,811 What ocean? 117 00:08:49,016 --> 00:08:52,008 The one made by the sound... Forget it. 118 00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:54,187 New audits. Have a good day. 119 00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:55,685 Thank you. 120 00:08:58,025 --> 00:09:03,486 All right, we got a baker and a securities trader. 121 00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:09,228 Maybe you should take the baker. 122 00:09:10,270 --> 00:09:11,532 - Okay? - Okay. 123 00:09:19,846 --> 00:09:22,371 Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! 124 00:09:22,582 --> 00:09:25,608 - You miscreant. - I understand. 125 00:09:26,119 --> 00:09:30,249 Oh, get bent, taxman! 126 00:09:30,457 --> 00:09:32,516 - Taxman! - Taxman! 127 00:09:33,727 --> 00:09:35,558 Taxman! 128 00:09:37,764 --> 00:09:39,231 Go home! 129 00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:42,095 Listen, is there somewhere else we could talk about this? 130 00:09:43,470 --> 00:09:48,100 No. We're gonna talk about this right here. 131 00:09:48,475 --> 00:09:53,936 Okay. It says, the file, that you only paid part of your taxes for last year. 132 00:09:54,147 --> 00:09:57,207 - That's right. - Looks like only 78 percent. 133 00:09:57,417 --> 00:09:59,078 Yep. 134 00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:01,452 So you did it on purpose? 135 00:10:01,655 --> 00:10:02,917 Yep. 136 00:10:03,123 --> 00:10:04,954 So you must have been expecting an audit? 137 00:10:07,127 --> 00:10:10,722 I was expecting a fine... 138 00:10:11,631 --> 00:10:14,498 ...or a sharp reprimand. 139 00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:17,799 A reprimand? This isn't boarding school, Ms. Pascal. 140 00:10:18,004 --> 00:10:19,631 You stole from the government. 141 00:10:20,407 --> 00:10:25,709 No, I didn't steal from the government. I just didn't pay you entirely. 142 00:10:25,912 --> 00:10:28,813 Ms. Pascal, you can't just not pay your taxes. 143 00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,581 Yes, I can. 144 00:10:31,785 --> 00:10:33,582 You can if you wanna get audited. 145 00:10:33,854 --> 00:10:37,346 Only if I recognize your right to audit me, Mr. Crick. 146 00:10:37,891 --> 00:10:40,257 Ms. Pascal, I'm right here auditing you. 147 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,718 Now I have to go over your past three years... 148 00:10:42,929 --> 00:10:44,829 ...to make sure that's all you haven't paid. 149 00:10:45,298 --> 00:10:46,458 Fine. 150 00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:50,860 Actually, you know, it's not fine. 151 00:10:51,071 --> 00:10:54,973 Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes... 152 00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:58,508 ...and erecting swing sets and building shelters. 153 00:10:58,712 --> 00:11:01,943 I am more than happy to pay those taxes. 154 00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:06,583 I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage... 155 00:11:06,787 --> 00:11:10,382 ...that the government uses for national defense... 156 00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:14,151 ...corporate bailouts and campaign discretionary funds. 157 00:11:14,361 --> 00:11:17,888 So I didn't pay those taxes. 158 00:11:18,098 --> 00:11:19,725 I think, actually... 159 00:11:19,933 --> 00:11:23,630 ...I sent a letter to that effect with my return. 160 00:11:24,104 --> 00:11:28,006 Would it be the letter that begins, "Dear Imperialist Swine"? 161 00:11:28,208 --> 00:11:29,436 Yes. 162 00:11:30,444 --> 00:11:35,143 Ms. Pascal, what you're describing is anarchy. Are you an anarchist? 163 00:11:36,116 --> 00:11:40,746 - You mean am I a member of...? - An anarchist group, yes. 164 00:11:41,855 --> 00:11:44,085 Anarchists have a group? 165 00:11:44,291 --> 00:11:45,724 I believe so. Sure. 166 00:11:46,193 --> 00:11:47,421 They assemble? 167 00:11:49,129 --> 00:11:50,926 I don't know. 168 00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:55,666 Wouldn't that completely defeat the purpose? 169 00:11:56,069 --> 00:12:00,165 It was difficult for Harold to imagine Ms. Pascal as a revolutionary. 170 00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:01,601 - Not now. - Her thin arms... 171 00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:03,833 - What? - ... hoisting protest signs. 172 00:12:04,044 --> 00:12:05,568 - Her long shapely legs... - Nothing. 173 00:12:05,779 --> 00:12:08,407 ...dashing from tear gas. 174 00:12:08,715 --> 00:12:11,013 Harold wasn't prone to fantasies... 175 00:12:11,218 --> 00:12:14,813 ...and so he tried his best to remain professional. 176 00:12:15,522 --> 00:12:17,387 But, of course, failed. 177 00:12:17,858 --> 00:12:21,055 He couldn't help but imagine Ms. Pascal... 178 00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:25,254 ...stroking the side of his face with the soft blade of her finger. 179 00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:30,069 He couldn't help but imagine her immersed in a tub... 180 00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,670 ...shaving her legs. 181 00:12:32,873 --> 00:12:36,536 And he couldn't help but imagine her naked... 182 00:12:36,743 --> 00:12:39,234 - ... stretched across his bed. - Mr. Crick? 183 00:12:41,815 --> 00:12:44,716 - Mr. Crick. - Yes, what is it? 184 00:12:44,918 --> 00:12:47,614 You're staring at my tits. 185 00:12:49,422 --> 00:12:52,880 I wa...? I don't think I was. I don't think I would do that. 186 00:12:53,093 --> 00:12:54,720 If I was, I can assure you... 187 00:12:54,928 --> 00:12:58,159 ...it was only as a representative of the United States government. 188 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:04,633 Sorry, I'm just having issues today. So I'll be back on Tuesday. 189 00:13:07,374 --> 00:13:11,640 Harold suddenly found himself beleaguered and exasperated... 190 00:13:11,845 --> 00:13:14,245 - ... outside the bakery... - Shut up! 191 00:13:14,447 --> 00:13:16,415 ...cursing the heavens in futility. 192 00:13:16,616 --> 00:13:18,846 No, I'm not, I'm cursing you, you stupid voice! 193 00:13:19,052 --> 00:13:21,987 So shut up and leave me alone! 194 00:13:48,748 --> 00:13:50,943 Hey, watch it! 195 00:14:19,713 --> 00:14:21,271 Excuse me. 196 00:14:23,016 --> 00:14:24,950 Excuse me. 197 00:14:29,422 --> 00:14:30,787 Are you Miss Eiffel? 198 00:14:33,393 --> 00:14:34,485 - Yes. - Excellent. 199 00:14:34,694 --> 00:14:36,218 May I ask what you're doing? 200 00:14:37,831 --> 00:14:39,321 Research. 201 00:14:39,532 --> 00:14:41,397 - Oh, am I interrupting? - Yes. 202 00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:44,502 I'm sorry. I'm Penny Escher. 203 00:14:44,704 --> 00:14:46,569 I'm the assistant your publishers hired. 204 00:14:47,707 --> 00:14:50,870 - The spy. - The assistant. 205 00:14:51,077 --> 00:14:53,511 I provide the same services as a secretary. 206 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,743 I don't need a secretary. 207 00:14:56,516 --> 00:14:59,508 Then I will have to find some other way of occupying my time. 208 00:14:59,719 --> 00:15:01,346 Like watching me like a vulture... 209 00:15:01,554 --> 00:15:04,284 ...because the publishers think I have writer's block, right? 210 00:15:05,225 --> 00:15:07,090 Do you have writer's block? 211 00:15:10,730 --> 00:15:12,197 Are these pages? 212 00:15:12,399 --> 00:15:14,867 They're letters. To me. 213 00:15:15,568 --> 00:15:18,469 - Are you writing back? - I don't respond to letters. 214 00:15:19,105 --> 00:15:21,733 And I suppose you smoked all these cigarettes? 215 00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:24,472 No, they came pre-smoked. 216 00:15:24,944 --> 00:15:27,412 Yeah, they said you were funny. 217 00:15:31,418 --> 00:15:34,114 What do you think about leaping off a building? 218 00:15:35,188 --> 00:15:36,985 I don't think about leaping off buildings. 219 00:15:37,190 --> 00:15:39,988 - Yes, you do. - No. I try to think of nice things. 220 00:15:40,193 --> 00:15:42,127 Everyone thinks about leaping off buildings. 221 00:15:42,328 --> 00:15:45,991 Well, I certainly don't think about leaping off of a building. 222 00:15:53,173 --> 00:15:54,936 They say... 223 00:16:00,246 --> 00:16:03,147 I read this in this fantastically depressing book. 224 00:16:04,284 --> 00:16:06,809 - That when you jump from a building... 225 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:10,353 ...it's rarely the impact that actually kills you. 226 00:16:10,824 --> 00:16:12,917 Well, I'm sure it doesn't help. 227 00:16:13,293 --> 00:16:17,286 There's a photograph in the book called The Leaper. 228 00:16:17,497 --> 00:16:19,021 It's old, but it's beautiful. 229 00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:23,699 From above the corpse of a woman who'd just leapt to her death. 230 00:16:23,970 --> 00:16:27,963 There's blood around her head, like a halo... 231 00:16:28,174 --> 00:16:31,302 ...and her leg's buckled underneath, her arm's snapped like a twig... 232 00:16:32,712 --> 00:16:35,203 ...but her face is so serene... 233 00:16:35,749 --> 00:16:37,808 ...so at peace. 234 00:16:38,318 --> 00:16:40,218 And I think it's because when she died... 235 00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,821 ...she could feel the wind against her face. 236 00:16:49,162 --> 00:16:53,394 I don't know how to kill Harold Crick. That's why they sent you. 237 00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:55,935 Yes, to help you. 238 00:16:57,170 --> 00:16:58,637 How are you gonna help me? 239 00:16:58,838 --> 00:17:00,965 You, who never thinks of leaping off buildings? 240 00:17:01,174 --> 00:17:03,768 What great inspiration will you bestow on me? 241 00:17:03,977 --> 00:17:06,275 I'll tell you, the quaint ideas you've gathered... 242 00:17:06,479 --> 00:17:08,504 ...in your adorable career as an "assistant"... 243 00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:11,548 ...are to no avail when faced with killing a man. 244 00:17:12,252 --> 00:17:14,015 I understand. 245 00:17:14,354 --> 00:17:17,050 Do you? I can't just... 246 00:17:23,963 --> 00:17:25,260 As much as I would like to... 247 00:17:25,465 --> 00:17:29,196 ...I cannot simply throw Harold Crick off a building. 248 00:17:35,875 --> 00:17:41,108 Miss Eiffel. Kay. I've been an author's assistant for 11 years. 249 00:17:41,314 --> 00:17:44,078 I've helped more than 20 authors complete more than 35 books... 250 00:17:44,284 --> 00:17:46,343 ...and I've never missed the deadline. 251 00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:49,545 And I have never gone back to the publisher to ask for more time. 252 00:17:49,756 --> 00:17:53,192 Now, I will be available to you every minute of every day... 253 00:17:53,393 --> 00:17:57,022 ...until the final punctuation is embedded on the very last page. 254 00:17:57,230 --> 00:18:01,599 I do not like loud music. I do not abide narcotics. 255 00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:07,100 And I will gladly and quietly help you kill Harold Crick. 256 00:18:16,015 --> 00:18:20,384 I had a very interesting little convo with someone in your section. 257 00:18:20,587 --> 00:18:21,781 Yeah? 258 00:18:23,156 --> 00:18:25,920 They said you were feeling a little wibbly-wobbly. 259 00:18:29,062 --> 00:18:31,121 Catch a little cubicle fever? 260 00:18:31,664 --> 00:18:33,632 Oh, I don't know. I think I'm okay. 261 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:39,600 Harold, a tree doesn't think it's a tree... 262 00:18:39,939 --> 00:18:41,998 ...it is a tree. 263 00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:45,306 Why was Harold talking to this man? 264 00:18:45,812 --> 00:18:48,280 This man was an idiot. 265 00:18:48,481 --> 00:18:53,976 This man used words like "wibbly-wobbly" and "convo. " 266 00:18:54,454 --> 00:18:57,582 And explained that trees were trees. 267 00:18:58,124 --> 00:18:59,853 Of course trees were trees. 268 00:19:00,059 --> 00:19:01,788 Harold knew trees were trees. 269 00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:03,622 I am going to believe you, Harold. 270 00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:06,264 What Harold didn't know was why he couldn't shake... 271 00:19:06,466 --> 00:19:09,026 ...the smell of brownies from his senses. 272 00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:13,695 Why Ms. Pascal had made his fingertips quiver and lips go numb. 273 00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:16,573 Harold? 274 00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:21,105 Yes? Sorry. 275 00:19:21,714 --> 00:19:23,875 What's going on, Harold? 276 00:19:25,385 --> 00:19:26,647 Well... 277 00:19:29,055 --> 00:19:32,183 Nothing. Everything's fine. 278 00:19:34,460 --> 00:19:37,429 Listen, according to your records... 279 00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:42,294 ...you haven't taken vacation in a few years now. 280 00:19:42,502 --> 00:19:45,630 Let's say you take a little break. 281 00:19:46,239 --> 00:19:48,605 Use some of that vaca time. 282 00:19:50,243 --> 00:19:53,576 Yeah. I'll think about it. 283 00:19:57,917 --> 00:19:59,282 Harold. 284 00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:06,021 I'm not really supposed to do this, but... 285 00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:27,836 Harold assumed his watch was simply on the fritz... 286 00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:31,847 ...and never even considered that it might be trying to tell him something. 287 00:20:34,787 --> 00:20:37,847 In fact, Harold had never once paid attention to his watch... 288 00:20:38,057 --> 00:20:39,922 ...other than to find out the time. 289 00:20:40,126 --> 00:20:44,392 And, honestly, it drove his watch crazy. 290 00:20:44,797 --> 00:20:47,197 And so, on this particular Wednesday evening... 291 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,767 ...as Harold waited for the bus, his watch suddenly... 292 00:20:51,604 --> 00:20:53,469 ...stopped. 293 00:20:55,208 --> 00:20:56,971 Sorry, does anyone have the time? 294 00:20:57,910 --> 00:21:01,141 - Yeah, I got 6:18. - Thanks. 295 00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:07,445 Thus Harold's watch thrust him into the immitigable path of fate. 296 00:21:07,653 --> 00:21:11,919 Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act... 297 00:21:12,125 --> 00:21:14,923 ...would result in his imminent death. 298 00:21:15,261 --> 00:21:17,388 What? What? 299 00:21:17,597 --> 00:21:19,588 Hey! Hello? 300 00:21:20,066 --> 00:21:21,465 What? 301 00:21:22,168 --> 00:21:23,430 Why? 302 00:21:24,170 --> 00:21:25,831 Why my death? 303 00:21:26,072 --> 00:21:27,471 Hello! 304 00:21:28,107 --> 00:21:30,166 Excuse me! 305 00:21:30,643 --> 00:21:32,338 When? 306 00:21:33,046 --> 00:21:35,037 How imminent? 307 00:21:35,982 --> 00:21:37,574 Okay, where are you? 308 00:21:44,957 --> 00:21:49,121 "Harold would brush his 32 teeth 72 times. " 309 00:21:49,629 --> 00:21:53,190 Why won't you say anything? I heard you. 310 00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:55,994 "That would result in his imminent death. " 311 00:21:56,636 --> 00:21:58,433 I heard you! 312 00:21:59,138 --> 00:22:00,765 Come on, you stupid voice. 313 00:22:00,973 --> 00:22:03,533 "Harold frantically grabbed his lamp. 314 00:22:04,510 --> 00:22:08,970 Harold, incensed, shook the hell out of it for no apparent reason! 315 00:22:09,182 --> 00:22:12,845 And smashed it on the ground, kicking it repeatedly! 316 00:22:14,587 --> 00:22:17,454 Harold took his Kleenex box, threw it across the room... 317 00:22:17,657 --> 00:22:19,284 ...then stormed the closet!" 318 00:22:21,994 --> 00:22:24,053 Come on. Say something. 319 00:22:26,265 --> 00:22:28,825 Something. Say something! 320 00:22:30,069 --> 00:22:32,060 Say something! 321 00:22:39,011 --> 00:22:41,844 "Harold, distraught... " 322 00:22:43,749 --> 00:22:45,239 God. 323 00:22:45,718 --> 00:22:47,811 "Harold, distraught... " 324 00:22:50,890 --> 00:22:52,414 "Harold... " 325 00:22:56,562 --> 00:23:00,794 I'm afraid what you're describing is schizophrenia. 326 00:23:03,202 --> 00:23:08,504 No. No. It's not schizophrenia. It's just a voice in my head. 327 00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:12,371 I mean, the voice isn't telling me to do anything. 328 00:23:12,578 --> 00:23:15,069 It's telling me what I've already done. 329 00:23:15,448 --> 00:23:18,281 Accurately and with a better vocabulary. 330 00:23:19,152 --> 00:23:22,087 Mr. Crick, you have a voice speaking to you. 331 00:23:22,555 --> 00:23:25,683 No, not to me, about me. 332 00:23:26,159 --> 00:23:31,096 I'm somehow involved in some sort of story. 333 00:23:31,497 --> 00:23:34,057 Like I'm a character in my own life. 334 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,400 But the problem is that the voice comes and goes. 335 00:23:38,704 --> 00:23:41,832 Like there are other parts of the story not being told to me... 336 00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:45,602 ...and I need to find out what those other parts are before it's too late. 337 00:23:46,078 --> 00:23:48,808 Before the story concludes with your death. 338 00:23:49,015 --> 00:23:50,380 Yes. 339 00:23:51,184 --> 00:23:53,652 Mr. Crick, I hate to sound like a broken record... 340 00:23:53,853 --> 00:23:56,151 ...but that's schizophrenia. 341 00:23:57,557 --> 00:24:02,187 You don't sound like a broken record, but it's just not schizophrenia. 342 00:24:03,262 --> 00:24:06,095 What if what I said was true? 343 00:24:06,299 --> 00:24:11,566 Hypothetically speaking, if I was part of a story, a narrative... 344 00:24:11,771 --> 00:24:15,639 ...even if it was only in my mind... 345 00:24:15,975 --> 00:24:17,567 ...what would you suggest that I do? 346 00:24:18,511 --> 00:24:21,605 I would suggest you take prescribed medication. 347 00:24:22,949 --> 00:24:24,576 Other than that. 348 00:24:24,784 --> 00:24:26,684 I don't know. 349 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:31,381 I suppose I would send you to see someone who knows about literature. 350 00:24:33,693 --> 00:24:34,887 Okay. 351 00:24:35,795 --> 00:24:38,855 Yeah. That's a good idea. 352 00:24:39,565 --> 00:24:41,294 Thank you. 353 00:24:41,934 --> 00:24:44,528 So you're the gentleman who called me about the narrator. 354 00:24:44,737 --> 00:24:47,399 - Yes. - This narrator says you're gonna die. 355 00:24:47,607 --> 00:24:48,733 Yes. 356 00:24:48,941 --> 00:24:52,399 - How long has it given you to live? - I don't know. 357 00:24:52,678 --> 00:24:55,943 Dramatic irony. It'll fuck you every time. 358 00:24:56,949 --> 00:24:58,940 - So you crazy or what? - Well... 359 00:24:59,151 --> 00:25:01,176 Are you allowed to say that to crazy people? 360 00:25:01,387 --> 00:25:03,514 - I don't know. - Oh, well. How many stairs... 361 00:25:03,723 --> 00:25:06,021 ...in the hallway out there? - What? 362 00:25:06,225 --> 00:25:08,489 You were counting them as we walked, weren't you? 363 00:25:08,694 --> 00:25:09,888 No. 364 00:25:10,096 --> 00:25:11,791 Of course. What bank do you work at? 365 00:25:11,998 --> 00:25:14,159 No bank. IRS agent. 366 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:15,892 - Married? - No. 367 00:25:16,102 --> 00:25:17,126 Ever? 368 00:25:17,336 --> 00:25:20,271 Engaged to an auditor. She left me for an actuary. 369 00:25:20,473 --> 00:25:24,239 - How heartbreaking. Live alone? - Yes. 370 00:25:25,544 --> 00:25:28,843 - Any pets? - No. 371 00:25:29,215 --> 00:25:33,083 - Friends? - No. Well, Dave at work. 372 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,483 I see. The narrator, exactly what does he sound like? 373 00:25:37,690 --> 00:25:39,021 It's a woman. 374 00:25:40,259 --> 00:25:41,556 A woman. 375 00:25:41,761 --> 00:25:43,888 - Is it a familiar woman? - No. 376 00:25:44,096 --> 00:25:45,791 Someone you know? 377 00:25:46,666 --> 00:25:47,860 No. 378 00:25:48,067 --> 00:25:50,695 Did you have enough time to count the tiles in the bathroom? 379 00:25:51,270 --> 00:25:53,238 I wasn't counting the tiles. 380 00:25:54,674 --> 00:25:56,437 - Coffee? - No, thank you. 381 00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:58,109 - Sure? - Yes. 382 00:25:59,278 --> 00:26:01,746 So this woman, the voice, told you you're gonna die? 383 00:26:01,947 --> 00:26:04,177 She didn't tell me. She doesn't know I can hear her. 384 00:26:04,383 --> 00:26:06,180 - But she said it. - Yes. 385 00:26:06,385 --> 00:26:07,613 And you believed her. 386 00:26:08,454 --> 00:26:10,251 She's been right about a few other things. 387 00:26:10,456 --> 00:26:14,017 - Such as? - How I felt about work. 388 00:26:14,226 --> 00:26:16,694 - You dislike your work? - Yes. 389 00:26:18,297 --> 00:26:20,925 Well, not the most insightful voice in the world, is it? 390 00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:23,431 First thing on a list of what Americans hate: Work. 391 00:26:23,636 --> 00:26:26,298 Second, traffic. Third, missing socks. See what I'm saying? 392 00:26:26,505 --> 00:26:27,472 Sort of. 393 00:26:27,673 --> 00:26:29,664 I told you you were gonna die, you believe me? 394 00:26:29,875 --> 00:26:31,206 - No. - Why? 395 00:26:31,410 --> 00:26:32,775 I don't know you. 396 00:26:32,978 --> 00:26:35,037 - But you don't know this narrator. - Well... 397 00:26:36,315 --> 00:26:40,877 - Okay, Mr. Crick, I can't help you. - Why? 398 00:26:41,087 --> 00:26:44,147 Well, I'm not an expert in crazy, I'm an expert in literature theory. 399 00:26:44,357 --> 00:26:46,791 And I gotta tell you, thus far... 400 00:26:46,992 --> 00:26:49,893 ...there doesn't seem to be a single literary thing about you. 401 00:26:50,096 --> 00:26:53,395 I don't doubt you hear a voice, but it couldn't possibly be a narrator... 402 00:26:53,599 --> 00:26:56,625 ...because, frankly, there doesn't seem to be much to narrate. 403 00:26:56,836 --> 00:26:59,270 Beside that, this semester I'm teaching five courses. 404 00:26:59,472 --> 00:27:01,167 I'm mentoring two doctoral candidates... 405 00:27:01,374 --> 00:27:03,342 ...and I'm the faculty lifeguard at the pool. 406 00:27:05,678 --> 00:27:09,205 - I just thought you could possibly... - Perhaps you should keep a journal. 407 00:27:09,415 --> 00:27:11,383 Write down what she said or something. 408 00:27:11,584 --> 00:27:14,314 That's all I can suggest. 409 00:27:16,322 --> 00:27:18,916 I can barely remember it all. I just remember: 410 00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:23,619 "Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act... 411 00:27:23,829 --> 00:27:26,297 ...would lead to his imminent death. " 412 00:27:26,499 --> 00:27:29,366 - What? - "Little did he know that this... " 413 00:27:29,568 --> 00:27:32,332 - Did you say, "little did he know"? - Yes. 414 00:27:33,806 --> 00:27:36,673 I've written papers on "little did he know. " 415 00:27:37,243 --> 00:27:40,337 I used to teach a class based on "little did he know. " 416 00:27:41,747 --> 00:27:45,410 I mean, I once gave an entire seminar on "little did he know. " 417 00:27:45,618 --> 00:27:47,449 Son of a bitch, Harold. 418 00:27:48,487 --> 00:27:51,320 "Little did he know" means there's something he doesn't know... 419 00:27:51,524 --> 00:27:54,857 ...that means there's something you don't know. Did you know that? 420 00:27:56,262 --> 00:27:58,696 - I want you to come back Friday. - Okay. 421 00:27:58,898 --> 00:28:01,128 No, "imminent," you could be dead by Friday. 422 00:28:01,333 --> 00:28:05,360 Come back tomorrow at 9:45. 423 00:28:05,571 --> 00:28:07,869 Ten seconds ago you said you wouldn't help me. 424 00:28:09,675 --> 00:28:12,303 It's been a very revealing 10 seconds, Harold. 425 00:28:16,382 --> 00:28:18,748 Harold was deep in thought. 426 00:28:18,951 --> 00:28:23,411 For a few, brief moments, from Born Boulevard to Euclid Avenue... 427 00:28:23,622 --> 00:28:26,090 ...all the calculations and all the rules... 428 00:28:26,292 --> 00:28:30,592 ...and all the precision of Harold's life just faded away. 429 00:28:31,831 --> 00:28:35,597 How perfect then that in this space... 430 00:28:35,801 --> 00:28:38,702 ...Ana Pascal would appear. 431 00:28:40,005 --> 00:28:41,165 Ms. Pascal. 432 00:28:43,476 --> 00:28:45,671 Ms. Pascal, it's Harold Crick from the IRS. 433 00:28:45,878 --> 00:28:47,345 Excuse me. 434 00:28:50,583 --> 00:28:53,313 - Hi. - Hi. 435 00:28:53,519 --> 00:28:56,283 - Would you like a seat? - Nope. 436 00:28:56,489 --> 00:28:58,514 There's 11 open ones. 437 00:28:58,724 --> 00:29:00,453 I don't care. 438 00:29:04,330 --> 00:29:05,422 Sorry about that. 439 00:29:17,209 --> 00:29:18,642 How are you? 440 00:29:19,245 --> 00:29:21,475 I'm lousy. I'm being audited. 441 00:29:22,882 --> 00:29:24,076 Of course. 442 00:29:24,517 --> 00:29:26,314 By a real creep too. 443 00:29:32,491 --> 00:29:35,085 I think I owe you an apology. 444 00:29:36,061 --> 00:29:38,552 - Really? - IRS agents... 445 00:29:38,764 --> 00:29:42,165 ...we're given rigorous aptitude tests before we can work. 446 00:29:42,902 --> 00:29:47,236 Unfortunately for you, we aren't tested on tact or good manners... 447 00:29:47,573 --> 00:29:49,666 ...so I apologize. 448 00:29:50,576 --> 00:29:53,670 I ogled you. 449 00:29:55,481 --> 00:29:56,846 Sorry. 450 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:03,714 Okay, apology accepted. 451 00:30:04,757 --> 00:30:07,487 But only because you stammered. 452 00:30:14,266 --> 00:30:17,633 So you're a frequenter of the metropolitan transit authority too? 453 00:30:18,604 --> 00:30:20,936 No. I'm just late. 454 00:30:21,941 --> 00:30:24,171 Big flag-burning to get to? 455 00:30:25,344 --> 00:30:26,868 Actually... 456 00:30:28,013 --> 00:30:32,473 ...it's my weekly evil-conspiracy and needlepoint group. 457 00:30:33,819 --> 00:30:35,446 You wanna come? 458 00:30:36,722 --> 00:30:40,123 I left my thimbles and socialist reading material at home. 459 00:30:41,961 --> 00:30:43,360 So... 460 00:30:46,832 --> 00:30:49,960 Harold nervously made small talk. 461 00:30:51,070 --> 00:30:53,436 You have very straight teeth. 462 00:30:53,639 --> 00:30:55,300 Very small talk. 463 00:30:56,575 --> 00:30:59,544 Thanks. They're real. 464 00:30:59,745 --> 00:31:03,078 Harold quickly calculated the odds of making an ass of himself... 465 00:31:03,282 --> 00:31:07,116 ...in ratio to the amount of time he stayed to chat. 466 00:31:08,587 --> 00:31:10,714 This is my stop. I should go. 467 00:31:12,858 --> 00:31:15,258 - He was elated and surprised... - See you soon. 468 00:31:15,461 --> 00:31:19,454 ...by his somewhat flirtatious encounter with Ms. Pascal. 469 00:31:19,965 --> 00:31:22,934 So elated that he exited the Transit Authority bus... 470 00:31:23,135 --> 00:31:27,538 ...a good 27 blocks too early and would now have to walk. 471 00:31:46,458 --> 00:31:48,892 - "You ain't down yet. " - That's right. 472 00:31:49,094 --> 00:31:53,622 Tell us, what is You Ain't Got Nothin' On Me about, Emmett Cole? 473 00:31:53,832 --> 00:31:55,390 What does this mean? 474 00:31:55,601 --> 00:32:00,436 Well, it's about being around in the world, doing different things... 475 00:32:00,639 --> 00:32:02,937 - ... doing what you wanna do... - Come in. 476 00:32:06,078 --> 00:32:10,071 Mr. Crick. Come in, come in. Please. 477 00:32:12,251 --> 00:32:13,275 How are you? 478 00:32:13,986 --> 00:32:15,214 I'm fine, actually. 479 00:32:15,421 --> 00:32:17,252 You can turn that off. 480 00:32:17,790 --> 00:32:20,281 Looks like our narrator hasn't killed you quite yet. 481 00:32:20,492 --> 00:32:23,757 - No, not yet. - Good, great. Have a seat. 482 00:32:24,496 --> 00:32:26,487 - Count the stairs outside? - No. 483 00:32:26,699 --> 00:32:29,668 Course not. I've devised a test... 484 00:32:29,868 --> 00:32:32,336 How exciting is that? - Of 23 questions... 485 00:32:32,538 --> 00:32:36,099 ...which I think might help uncover more truths about this narrator. 486 00:32:36,308 --> 00:32:38,139 - Now, Howard... - Harold. 487 00:32:38,343 --> 00:32:42,177 Harold. These may seem silly, but your candor is paramount. 488 00:32:42,381 --> 00:32:43,871 Okay. 489 00:32:44,349 --> 00:32:45,748 So. 490 00:32:47,953 --> 00:32:51,855 We know it's a woman's voice, the story involves your death... 491 00:32:53,525 --> 00:32:55,083 ...it's modern, it's in English. 492 00:32:55,294 --> 00:32:58,092 I'm assuming the author has a cursory knowledge of the city. 493 00:32:58,297 --> 00:33:01,232 - Sure. - Okay, good. 494 00:33:03,936 --> 00:33:05,665 Question one: 495 00:33:05,871 --> 00:33:08,362 "Has anyone recently left any gifts outside your home?" 496 00:33:08,574 --> 00:33:10,132 Anything? Gum? Money? 497 00:33:10,342 --> 00:33:12,469 - A large wooden horse? - I'm sorry? 498 00:33:12,678 --> 00:33:14,669 - Just answer the question. - No. 499 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,508 "Do you find yourself inclined to solve murder mysteries... 500 00:33:17,716 --> 00:33:21,117 ...in large, luxurious homes to which...?" Let me finish. 501 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,811 "To which you may or may not have been invited?" 502 00:33:24,022 --> 00:33:25,216 No. No, no, no. 503 00:33:25,424 --> 00:33:28,450 All right. On a scale of one to 10... 504 00:33:28,660 --> 00:33:32,187 ...what would you consider the likelihood you might be assassinated? 505 00:33:32,765 --> 00:33:33,732 Assassinated? 506 00:33:33,932 --> 00:33:37,197 One being very unlikely, 10 being expecting it around every corner. 507 00:33:38,070 --> 00:33:40,800 - I have no idea... - Okay. Let me rephrase. 508 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,631 Are you the king of anything? 509 00:33:44,710 --> 00:33:45,734 - Like what? - Anything. 510 00:33:45,944 --> 00:33:48,242 King of the lanes at the local bowling alley. 511 00:33:48,447 --> 00:33:49,846 "King of the lanes"? 512 00:33:50,048 --> 00:33:53,916 - King of the lanes. King of the trolls. - "King of the trolls"? 513 00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:58,419 Yes. A clandestine land found underneath your floorboards. 514 00:33:58,624 --> 00:33:59,921 - Anything. - No. 515 00:34:00,125 --> 00:34:02,184 No. That's ridiculous. 516 00:34:02,394 --> 00:34:05,488 Agreed. But let's start with ridiculous and move backwards. 517 00:34:06,131 --> 00:34:09,066 Now, was any part of you at one time part of something else? 518 00:34:09,268 --> 00:34:11,429 Like do I have someone else's arms? 519 00:34:11,637 --> 00:34:14,663 Well, is it possible at one time that you were made of stone... 520 00:34:14,873 --> 00:34:16,773 ...wood, lye, varied corpse parts... 521 00:34:16,975 --> 00:34:19,341 ...or earth made holy by rabbinical elders? 522 00:34:19,545 --> 00:34:23,242 No. Look... I'm sorry. What do these questions have to do with anything? 523 00:34:23,448 --> 00:34:25,575 The only way to find out what story you're in... 524 00:34:25,784 --> 00:34:27,775 ...is to determine what stories you're not in. 525 00:34:27,986 --> 00:34:31,251 Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literature... 526 00:34:31,456 --> 00:34:33,549 ...seven fairy tales, 10 Chinese fables... 527 00:34:33,759 --> 00:34:36,694 ...and determined conclusively that you are not King Hamlet... 528 00:34:36,895 --> 00:34:38,886 ...Scout Finch, Miss Marple... 529 00:34:39,097 --> 00:34:42,760 ...Frankenstein's monster, or a golem. 530 00:34:47,906 --> 00:34:49,931 Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golem? 531 00:34:50,976 --> 00:34:54,309 Yes, I am relieved to know that I am not a golem. 532 00:34:54,513 --> 00:34:55,480 Good. 533 00:35:00,419 --> 00:35:02,114 Do you have magical powers? 534 00:35:37,756 --> 00:35:39,951 May I ask what we're doing out here? 535 00:35:40,158 --> 00:35:43,685 - We're imagining car wrecks. - I see. 536 00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:47,294 And we can't imagine car wrecks inside? 537 00:35:47,499 --> 00:35:49,023 No. 538 00:35:49,868 --> 00:35:52,098 Did you know that 41 percent of accidents... 539 00:35:52,304 --> 00:35:54,795 ...occur in times of inclement weather? 540 00:35:55,007 --> 00:35:57,271 So do 90 percent of pneumonia cases. 541 00:35:57,476 --> 00:36:02,379 Really? Pneumonia. That's an interesting way to die. 542 00:36:03,315 --> 00:36:05,943 But how would Harold catch pneumonia? 543 00:36:06,151 --> 00:36:08,142 Have you written anything new today? 544 00:36:08,353 --> 00:36:09,615 No. 545 00:36:09,821 --> 00:36:12,619 Did you read the poems I suggested, or make a list of words... 546 00:36:12,824 --> 00:36:14,792 ...buy new typing paper, anything? 547 00:36:14,993 --> 00:36:16,551 No, none of it. 548 00:36:17,930 --> 00:36:19,693 Sitting in the rain won't write books. 549 00:36:19,898 --> 00:36:24,164 Well, that illustrates exactly how much you know about writing books. 550 00:36:31,310 --> 00:36:32,470 What's this? 551 00:36:33,078 --> 00:36:35,410 It's literature on the nicotine patch. 552 00:36:36,782 --> 00:36:39,979 I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny. I smoke cigarettes. 553 00:36:41,019 --> 00:36:42,281 Well, it may help. 554 00:36:42,487 --> 00:36:45,615 May help? Help what? 555 00:36:46,091 --> 00:36:48,992 Help what, Penny? Help write a novel? 556 00:36:49,194 --> 00:36:51,424 May help save your life. 557 00:36:51,763 --> 00:36:54,197 I'm not in the business of saving lives. 558 00:36:56,969 --> 00:36:58,994 In fact, just the opposite. 559 00:37:02,074 --> 00:37:04,167 - "What's your favorite word?" - Integer. 560 00:37:04,376 --> 00:37:05,900 Good, good, good. 561 00:37:06,111 --> 00:37:08,238 "Do you aspire to anything?" 562 00:37:09,581 --> 00:37:12,141 - No. - Conquer Russia? 563 00:37:12,351 --> 00:37:14,911 - Win a whistling contest? - No. 564 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:18,988 Harold, you must have some ambition. 565 00:37:19,791 --> 00:37:23,386 - I don't think so. - Some underlying dream. Think. 566 00:37:25,664 --> 00:37:27,154 Well... 567 00:37:28,300 --> 00:37:30,928 ...I've always wanted my life to be more musical. 568 00:37:31,703 --> 00:37:35,104 - Like West Side Story? - No. 569 00:37:35,540 --> 00:37:37,405 - Like... - What? 570 00:37:37,609 --> 00:37:41,045 Well, I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar. 571 00:37:43,515 --> 00:37:45,142 Okay. 572 00:37:46,985 --> 00:37:48,953 The last thing to determine conclusively... 573 00:37:49,154 --> 00:37:51,645 ...is whether you're in a comedy or a tragedy. 574 00:37:51,857 --> 00:37:53,188 To quote Italo Calvino: 575 00:37:53,392 --> 00:37:56,657 "The ultimate meaning to which all stories refer has two faces: 576 00:37:56,862 --> 00:37:59,729 The continuity of life, the inevitability of death. " 577 00:38:00,699 --> 00:38:04,066 Tragedy, you die. Comedy, you get hitched. 578 00:38:07,873 --> 00:38:09,841 Most comic heroes fall in love with people... 579 00:38:10,042 --> 00:38:11,839 ...introduced after the story has begun. 580 00:38:12,044 --> 00:38:14,672 Usually people who hate the hero initially. 581 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,680 Although I can't imagine anyone hating you, Harold. 582 00:38:18,884 --> 00:38:22,684 Professor Hilbert, I'm an IRS agent. 583 00:38:23,055 --> 00:38:24,249 Everyone hates me. 584 00:38:25,690 --> 00:38:26,884 Right, right. Good. 585 00:38:27,092 --> 00:38:30,357 Have you met anyone recently who might loathe the very core of you? 586 00:38:31,463 --> 00:38:34,796 I just started auditing a woman who told me to get bent. 587 00:38:35,801 --> 00:38:37,462 Well, that sounds like a comedy. 588 00:38:39,171 --> 00:38:41,002 Try to develop that. 589 00:38:42,808 --> 00:38:43,832 Four of these? 590 00:38:44,042 --> 00:38:45,976 You know, I didn't get my honey, honey. 591 00:38:46,178 --> 00:38:49,705 Lulu, can you refill the honey for Larry? Quarters also? 592 00:38:49,915 --> 00:38:51,507 That's my good boy. 593 00:38:51,716 --> 00:38:53,650 I'm adding some acorns. 594 00:38:54,119 --> 00:38:55,518 Mr. Crick. 595 00:38:56,655 --> 00:39:00,091 You're here early. Must have a lot of people to extort. 596 00:39:00,292 --> 00:39:02,157 No. No, just you. 597 00:39:03,528 --> 00:39:06,326 - Twig tea and banana bread. - Yes, ma'am. 598 00:39:06,531 --> 00:39:09,989 Actually, it should only take the day to make sure 22 percent is all you owe. 599 00:39:10,202 --> 00:39:13,933 Well, I won't be paying no matter the percentage, Mr. Crick. 600 00:39:14,139 --> 00:39:18,007 No, I know. But the percent determines how big your cell is. 601 00:39:24,683 --> 00:39:26,310 You know, you can call me Harold. 602 00:39:26,518 --> 00:39:29,681 Yeah, I know. But I don't want to. 603 00:39:31,890 --> 00:39:33,084 This is for Ramona, honey. 604 00:39:33,291 --> 00:39:35,987 - Oh, thank you. - You're very welcome. 605 00:39:36,628 --> 00:39:38,596 What is that? What are you marking? 606 00:39:40,465 --> 00:39:41,989 Oh, this is nothing. 607 00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:45,328 Why don't we start with your backup documents... 608 00:39:45,537 --> 00:39:48,005 ...and the receipts for the past three years. 609 00:39:48,206 --> 00:39:49,696 Sure. 610 00:39:58,383 --> 00:39:59,577 What's this? 611 00:40:00,986 --> 00:40:03,079 - My files. - What? 612 00:40:03,288 --> 00:40:04,778 My tax files. 613 00:40:05,690 --> 00:40:07,180 You keep your files like this? 614 00:40:07,392 --> 00:40:10,190 No, actually I'm quite fastidious. 615 00:40:10,395 --> 00:40:13,922 I put them in this box just to screw with you. 616 00:40:27,479 --> 00:40:30,812 - Hi. - Hi. How are you? 617 00:40:31,950 --> 00:40:34,612 So how was it? Aruba. 618 00:40:34,819 --> 00:40:38,118 Ms. Pascal? Can I just ask you a question about this receipt? 619 00:40:38,323 --> 00:40:41,190 - It was fantastic. - Just wondering if this nine is a seven. 620 00:40:41,393 --> 00:40:44,624 - And what did you do? - I got a beautiful tan. 621 00:40:45,263 --> 00:40:48,790 - I'm just gonna guess it's a seven. - I mean, I feel stress-free. 622 00:40:54,072 --> 00:40:55,767 Do you need help with that? 623 00:40:56,975 --> 00:40:59,000 - Walk to heaven. I see the president. 624 00:40:59,211 --> 00:41:01,372 - It's the taxman. Hello, Mr. Taxman. - Yeah. 625 00:41:01,580 --> 00:41:03,047 - You can call me Harold. - Okay. 626 00:41:03,248 --> 00:41:04,875 - How the numbers going? - Pretty good. 627 00:41:05,083 --> 00:41:06,846 - Gonna find that 22 percent? - 22 percent? 628 00:41:07,052 --> 00:41:09,543 Twenty-two, 11 times 2. It's prime numbers. 629 00:41:09,754 --> 00:41:12,746 - You gonna tax the bathroom? - No, I'm not gonna tax the bathroom. 630 00:41:12,958 --> 00:41:15,222 - Could I use the bathroom, then? - Go for it. 631 00:41:15,427 --> 00:41:17,122 Okay. I wanna use the bathroom. Bye now. 632 00:41:17,329 --> 00:41:18,455 Bye-bye. 633 00:42:00,405 --> 00:42:01,770 Well, good night. 634 00:42:02,907 --> 00:42:04,568 You want a cookie? 635 00:42:05,210 --> 00:42:06,336 Oh, no. 636 00:42:06,544 --> 00:42:10,640 Come on. They're warm and gooey. They're fresh out of the oven. 637 00:42:11,383 --> 00:42:13,180 No, I don't like cookies. 638 00:42:15,220 --> 00:42:16,847 You don't like cookies? 639 00:42:19,958 --> 00:42:23,052 - What's wrong with you? - I don't know. 640 00:42:23,261 --> 00:42:26,196 - Everybody likes cookies. - No, I know. 641 00:42:26,398 --> 00:42:30,300 I mean, after a really awful, no-good day... 642 00:42:30,502 --> 00:42:33,403 ...didn't your mama ever make you milk and cookies? 643 00:42:34,572 --> 00:42:38,064 No. My mother didn't bake. 644 00:42:38,276 --> 00:42:41,404 The only cookies I ever had were store-bought. 645 00:42:43,948 --> 00:42:46,781 Okay. Sit down. 646 00:42:47,419 --> 00:42:49,546 - No, I'm... - No. 647 00:42:50,021 --> 00:42:51,818 Sit down. 648 00:42:55,694 --> 00:42:56,888 Now... 649 00:42:57,896 --> 00:42:59,921 ...eat a cookie. 650 00:43:00,131 --> 00:43:01,496 I really can't. 651 00:43:01,700 --> 00:43:05,033 Mr. Crick, it was a really awful day. 652 00:43:05,937 --> 00:43:08,770 I know, I made sure of it. 653 00:43:09,274 --> 00:43:10,969 So pick up the cookie... 654 00:43:11,176 --> 00:43:13,303 ...dip it in the milk... 655 00:43:13,511 --> 00:43:15,308 ...and eat it. 656 00:43:39,871 --> 00:43:42,203 That's a really, really good cookie. 657 00:43:50,515 --> 00:43:52,312 So when did you decide to become a baker? 658 00:43:53,585 --> 00:43:56,486 - In college. - Oh, like a cooking college? 659 00:43:57,622 --> 00:44:00,750 I went to Harvard Law actually. 660 00:44:01,326 --> 00:44:06,457 - Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was... - No. No, it's fine. I didn't finish. 661 00:44:07,232 --> 00:44:09,200 - Did something happen? - No. 662 00:44:10,602 --> 00:44:14,595 I was barely accepted. I mean, really barely. 663 00:44:14,806 --> 00:44:17,934 The only reason they let me come was because of my essay. 664 00:44:18,143 --> 00:44:22,136 How I was gonna make the world a better place with my degree. 665 00:44:22,914 --> 00:44:27,647 Anyway, we would have to participate in these study sessions... 666 00:44:27,852 --> 00:44:30,844 ...my classmates and I, sometimes all night long. 667 00:44:31,055 --> 00:44:34,786 And so I'd bake so no one would go hungry while we worked. 668 00:44:34,993 --> 00:44:37,962 Sometimes I would bake all afternoon in the kitchen in the dorm... 669 00:44:38,163 --> 00:44:42,190 ...and then I'd bring my little treats to the study groups... 670 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,027 ...and people loved them. 671 00:44:44,235 --> 00:44:45,497 Eat. 672 00:44:45,703 --> 00:44:49,969 I made oatmeal cookies, peanut-butter bars... 673 00:44:50,442 --> 00:44:53,878 ...dark-chocolate macadamia-nut wedges. 674 00:44:54,078 --> 00:44:56,410 And everyone would eat and stay happy... 675 00:44:56,614 --> 00:44:58,775 ...and study harder and do better on the tests. 676 00:44:58,983 --> 00:45:01,679 More and more people started coming to the study groups... 677 00:45:01,886 --> 00:45:03,717 ...and I'd bring more snacks. 678 00:45:03,922 --> 00:45:06,447 I was always looking for better and better recipes... 679 00:45:06,658 --> 00:45:12,187 ...until soon it was ricotta cheese and apricot croissants... 680 00:45:13,064 --> 00:45:15,589 ...and mocha bars with an almond glaze... 681 00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:20,430 ...and lemon chiffon cake with zesty peach icing. 682 00:45:21,539 --> 00:45:25,566 And at the end of the semester I had 27 study partners... 683 00:45:25,777 --> 00:45:29,213 ...eight Mead journals filled with recipes... 684 00:45:29,414 --> 00:45:30,938 ...and a D average. 685 00:45:31,883 --> 00:45:33,680 So I dropped out. 686 00:45:34,285 --> 00:45:36,810 I figured if I was gonna make the world a better place... 687 00:45:37,021 --> 00:45:39,182 ...I would do it with cookies. 688 00:45:44,028 --> 00:45:45,461 You like them? 689 00:45:46,965 --> 00:45:47,954 I do. 690 00:45:49,033 --> 00:45:50,830 I'm glad. 691 00:45:51,903 --> 00:45:53,962 Thank you for forcing me to eat them. 692 00:45:54,739 --> 00:45:56,502 You're welcome. 693 00:46:01,779 --> 00:46:04,543 I should go. Oh, thank you. For the cookies, I mean. 694 00:46:04,749 --> 00:46:06,512 - Why don't you take them home? - Oh, no. 695 00:46:06,718 --> 00:46:08,879 - Oh, come on. - No, really, please. 696 00:46:09,087 --> 00:46:12,113 - No, really, please. - No, no, no. Really, please. 697 00:46:12,323 --> 00:46:14,382 I would like to, but I can't. 698 00:46:15,059 --> 00:46:16,583 - You can't? - No, no, I mean... 699 00:46:16,794 --> 00:46:19,490 Because, see, it constitutes a gift. 700 00:46:19,831 --> 00:46:22,391 Actually I shouldn't have even had those other ones, so... 701 00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,795 Okay. Well, I'm not gonna tell anyone. 702 00:46:25,003 --> 00:46:27,631 - No. I know, but if you did... - Well, I'm not going to. 703 00:46:27,839 --> 00:46:28,931 I know, but if you did... 704 00:46:29,140 --> 00:46:32,200 - What, you think I'm gonna call the...? - No, no. I'll purchase them. 705 00:46:32,410 --> 00:46:35,538 I'm happy to purchase them. How's that? 706 00:46:37,582 --> 00:46:39,982 And then there are no issues. 707 00:46:42,086 --> 00:46:44,316 - What? - No. 708 00:46:44,522 --> 00:46:46,581 - Please. - Just... 709 00:46:46,791 --> 00:46:48,622 - Why don't I just...? - Go home. 710 00:46:48,826 --> 00:46:50,123 Really, it's not a big deal. 711 00:46:50,328 --> 00:46:52,455 Go home. 712 00:46:54,132 --> 00:46:55,497 Okay. 713 00:47:00,104 --> 00:47:01,401 Did you? 714 00:47:03,007 --> 00:47:05,999 You baked those cookies for me, didn't you? 715 00:47:09,647 --> 00:47:12,844 You were just trying to be nice and I totally blew it. 716 00:47:16,955 --> 00:47:20,186 This may sound like gibberish to you... 717 00:47:22,694 --> 00:47:25,185 ...but I think I'm in a tragedy. 718 00:47:55,793 --> 00:47:59,627 Professor Hilbert, I've totally failed at the comedy-tragedy thing. 719 00:47:59,831 --> 00:48:01,992 In fact, I think she likes me even less. 720 00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,327 - I know, it's great. - What do you mean? 721 00:48:05,236 --> 00:48:07,500 You've proved something else entirely. 722 00:48:07,705 --> 00:48:11,368 The voice seems to be dependent on actions you take. 723 00:48:12,477 --> 00:48:14,945 You reset your watch, it says you reset your watch. 724 00:48:15,146 --> 00:48:16,943 You ride a bus, it says you ride the bus. 725 00:48:17,148 --> 00:48:19,514 You brush your teeth, it says you brush your teeth. 726 00:48:19,717 --> 00:48:23,744 It may be that you yourself are perpetuating the story. 727 00:48:23,955 --> 00:48:27,618 - So I suggest we try something else. - Like what? 728 00:48:27,825 --> 00:48:31,056 - Try nothing. Nothing. - What about Ms. Pascal? 729 00:48:31,262 --> 00:48:32,456 - Forget her. - Forget her? 730 00:48:32,664 --> 00:48:34,632 Other than numbers, she's all I think about. 731 00:48:34,832 --> 00:48:37,562 Harold, if you wanna stay alive, you'll try something else. 732 00:48:37,769 --> 00:48:41,102 - That something being nothing? - Nothing, exactly. 733 00:48:41,305 --> 00:48:44,001 - Nothing? - Let me explain this again. 734 00:48:44,208 --> 00:48:47,837 Some plots are moved forward by external events and crises. 735 00:48:48,046 --> 00:48:50,742 Others are moved forward by the characters themselves. 736 00:48:50,948 --> 00:48:53,143 If I go through that door, the plot continues. 737 00:48:53,351 --> 00:48:55,615 The story of me through the door. If I stay here... 738 00:48:55,820 --> 00:48:58,254 ...the plot can't move forward, the story ends. 739 00:48:58,456 --> 00:49:01,254 Also if I stay here, I'm late. 740 00:49:03,594 --> 00:49:05,994 - Don't do anything tomorrow. - Nothing? 741 00:49:06,197 --> 00:49:10,657 Stay home. Don't answer the phone, open the door, brush your teeth. 742 00:49:10,868 --> 00:49:12,267 - What about work? - Call them. 743 00:49:12,470 --> 00:49:14,700 - Tell them you're not coming. - Don't go to work? 744 00:49:14,906 --> 00:49:17,033 Don't do anything that may move the plot forward. 745 00:49:17,241 --> 00:49:19,266 Instead, let's see if the plot finds you. 746 00:49:19,911 --> 00:49:22,505 Marshall, you're not kicking. 747 00:49:25,883 --> 00:49:29,375 - certain that these geese have never known any home but this one: 748 00:49:29,587 --> 00:49:31,578 A small lake in Eastern Poland. 749 00:49:32,290 --> 00:49:35,384 Pollution from a nearby factory is slowly killing... 750 00:49:35,593 --> 00:49:39,085 ...the small fish and insects on which these creatures feed. 751 00:49:39,297 --> 00:49:44,530 All attempts to move the birds to similar bodies of water have failed. 752 00:49:44,736 --> 00:49:48,570 Perhaps it is the familiarity alone that keeps them here. 753 00:49:48,773 --> 00:49:52,766 Or perhaps it's an unwillingness to lose the collective memory... 754 00:49:52,977 --> 00:49:55,969 ...of the once-beautiful hills that surround the lake. 755 00:49:56,180 --> 00:49:59,843 And it takes only seconds for the fiddler crabs to realize... 756 00:50:00,051 --> 00:50:02,383 ...that the wader they might once have feared... 757 00:50:02,587 --> 00:50:05,078 ...has now become their prey. 758 00:50:06,424 --> 00:50:09,291 The wounded bird knows its fate. 759 00:50:10,261 --> 00:50:12,388 Its desperate attempts to escape... 760 00:50:12,597 --> 00:50:16,055 ...only underscore the hopelessness of its plight. 761 00:50:18,936 --> 00:50:23,532 The primates' sad, soulful eyes will be the first to be plucked out... 762 00:50:23,741 --> 00:50:26,539 ...then sold to cosmetic companies around the world... 763 00:50:26,744 --> 00:50:30,737 ...for use in the testing of mascara and artificial tears. 764 00:50:30,948 --> 00:50:34,816 Next, the monkeys' fur will be stripped away from their limp corpses... 765 00:50:35,019 --> 00:50:38,386 ...and sewn together to form pillows and comforters. 766 00:50:38,589 --> 00:50:41,080 Mr. Zebra thought he was gonna take a nice drink. 767 00:50:41,292 --> 00:50:42,919 But you never know who's gonna eat... 768 00:50:43,127 --> 00:50:45,391 ...when you're dining at Mother Nature's restaurant. 769 00:50:45,596 --> 00:50:48,292 That's gotta hurt. What does this bald eagle wanna serve... 770 00:50:48,499 --> 00:50:50,524 ...with some kidney beans and a fine Chianti? 771 00:50:50,735 --> 00:50:54,728 It's an eel. And again: 772 00:50:54,939 --> 00:50:57,203 Looks like old Mr. Crocodile wanted some antelope... 773 00:50:57,408 --> 00:50:59,433 ...to clear that salty zebra from his palate. 774 00:50:59,644 --> 00:51:03,011 Here's a struggle betting gentlemen have been known to put money on. 775 00:51:03,214 --> 00:51:06,945 When a mongoose encounters a cobra it's hard to know who's gonna win. 776 00:51:07,151 --> 00:51:09,312 But this time it looks like it's... the cobra... 777 00:51:09,520 --> 00:51:11,613 ...who's putting the squeeze on the mongoose! 778 00:51:11,823 --> 00:51:14,053 But don't cash in your chips just yet, gentlemen... 779 00:51:14,258 --> 00:51:17,352 ...because now it's the mongoose who holds the winning card! 780 00:51:44,255 --> 00:51:46,485 Hey! Hey! 781 00:51:47,258 --> 00:51:49,158 Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?! 782 00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:51,328 - Holy crapping hell. - What the hell is that? 783 00:51:51,529 --> 00:51:53,724 - Stop the crane. Stop it. - Stop the crane! 784 00:51:53,931 --> 00:51:55,899 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing? 785 00:51:56,100 --> 00:51:57,761 Us? What are you doing? 786 00:51:57,969 --> 00:51:59,630 I was watching TV. 787 00:51:59,837 --> 00:52:03,295 - Well, we're demolishing this place. - Are you nuts? I live here! 788 00:52:03,507 --> 00:52:06,237 - Is that a TV? - Yes, that's a TV! It's my TV! 789 00:52:06,444 --> 00:52:09,379 - Well, what's your TV doing in there? - I said I live here, stupid! 790 00:52:09,580 --> 00:52:11,343 It's where I keep my stuff! 791 00:52:11,549 --> 00:52:14,848 My name's on the goddamn buzzer! Harold Crick. 792 00:52:15,052 --> 00:52:18,021 Apartment 2-B, 1893 McCarthy! 793 00:52:18,990 --> 00:52:21,458 - Did you say 1893? - Yes! 794 00:52:28,065 --> 00:52:30,033 I'm not exactly sure it was plot. 795 00:52:30,234 --> 00:52:33,260 I was hoping you'd say it was just a really bad coincidence. 796 00:52:33,471 --> 00:52:36,907 Meeting an insurance agent the day your policy runs out is coincidence. 797 00:52:37,108 --> 00:52:40,805 Getting a letter from the emperor saying that he's visiting is plot. 798 00:52:41,012 --> 00:52:44,175 Having your apartment eaten by a wrecking ball... 799 00:52:44,382 --> 00:52:46,009 ...is something else entirely. 800 00:52:47,652 --> 00:52:51,110 Harold, you don't control your fate. 801 00:52:51,856 --> 00:52:54,290 - I know. - You do? 802 00:52:55,860 --> 00:52:57,589 Okay. Come with me. 803 00:52:57,795 --> 00:53:00,696 Hey, Tom, can you leave that till tomorrow? 804 00:53:01,265 --> 00:53:04,393 You were right. This narrator might very well kill you...