1 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,680 That's not what I'm saying, you imbecile. 2 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,760 God, you completely misrepresent my ideas! 3 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,040 Why am I even bothering talking to such idiots? 4 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,240 - Boris, calm down. - No, don't tell me to... I am calm. 5 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:16,480 Don't jump on us just because we don't understand what you're saying. 6 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:17,640 I didn't jump on you. 7 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,800 It's not the idea behind Christianity I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion. 8 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,240 It's the professionals who've made it into a corporate business. 9 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,240 There's big money in the God racket. Big money. 10 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,560 - Here we go. - We know, Boris. 11 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,880 Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus are quite wonderful. 12 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,360 So, by the way, is the original intention of Karl Marx. Okay? 13 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:36,040 Hey, what could be bad? Everybody should share equally. 14 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,200 Do unto others. Democracy. Government by the people. 15 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:44,560 All great ideas. These are all great ideas, but they all suffer from one fatal flaw. 16 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:45,800 - Which is? - Yeah, what's that? 17 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,040 Which is they're all based on the fallacious notion 18 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,840 that people are fundamentally decent. 19 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,240 Give them a chance to do right and they'll take it. 20 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:58,240 They're not stupid, selfish, greedy, cowardly, short-sighted worms. 21 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,280 They do the best they can. 22 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,320 Speak for yourself, man. Speak for yourself. 23 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,840 All I'm saying is that people make life so much worse than it has to be 24 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,400 and, believe me, it's a nightmare without their help. 25 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,640 But on the whole, I'm sorry to say, we're a failed species. 26 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,440 - I wouldn't go that far. - Not Ed. 27 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,640 That's why this woman you like, Joe, 28 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,760 so what if she's an embalmer's assistant, so she stinks from formaldehyde? 29 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,960 For Christ's sake, you got to take what little pleasure you can find 30 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,280 in this chamber of horrors. 31 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,160 A little formaldehyde, okay, but she reeks of it. 32 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,160 You know, they don't know your story. Boris, tell them your story. 33 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:34,280 My story is, whatever works. You know, as long as you don't hurt anybody. 34 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,960 Any way you can filch a little joy 35 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:40,480 in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless, black chaos. That's my story. 36 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,040 No. That's not... Tell them the story. 37 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,160 - Tell them. - Yeah. Tell them. 38 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,400 You just want me to say it again, so they can hear. 39 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:47,920 - Who? - Them. 40 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,120 - Who? - Who's them? 41 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,000 - You see something out there? - Where? 42 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,000 What are you? An imbecile? 43 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,440 There's an audience full of people looking at us. 44 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:54,720 - An audience? - What's he talking about? 45 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,360 You feel you're being watched. 46 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,240 They paid good money for tickets, hard-earned money, 47 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,280 so some moron in Hollywood can buy a bigger swimming pool. 48 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,680 Okay, you're saying there are human beings out there who bought tickets to watch us. 49 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,600 Well, mostly they're interested in me, I have to say. 50 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,080 Yeah, they're just sitting there. Don't you see them? 51 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,080 Some are eating popcorn, some are just staring straight ahead 52 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,560 breathing through their mouths like Neanderthals. 53 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,680 So they're there to listen to your story? 54 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,440 - Total delusions of grandeur. - Completely. 55 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,040 Why would you want to hear my story? 56 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,200 Do we know each other? Do we like each other? 57 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,800 Let me tell you right off, okay? 58 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:35,200 I'm not a likeable guy. Charm has never been a priority with me. 59 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,360 And just so you know, this is not the feel-good movie of the year. 60 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,600 So if you're one of those idiots who needs to feel good, 61 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,280 go get yourself a foot massage. 62 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,480 - Mom, that man's talking to himself! - Come away, Justin. 63 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,120 What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. 64 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,720 Nothing comes to anything, and yet there's no shortage of idiots to babble. 65 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,000 Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. 66 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,600 Your friends, your co-workers, your newspapers, the TV. 67 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,680 Everybody's happy to talk, full of misinformation. 68 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,360 Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love. 69 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,680 Your portfolio, your children, health. Christ. 70 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,560 If I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, 71 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,560 I don't want to live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. 72 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,920 And your omega-3's and the treadmill and the cardiogram 73 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,360 and the mammogram and the pelvic sonogram 74 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,000 and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy! 75 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,480 And with it all, the day still comes when they put you in a box 76 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,480 and it's on to the next generation of idiots 77 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:38,040 who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. 78 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:42,680 My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. 79 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,320 And could you blame him? 80 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,440 With the horror and corruption and ignorance and poverty 81 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,920 and genocide and AIDS and global warming and terrorism 82 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,520 and the family-value morons and the gun morons! 83 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,840 "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness. "The horror. " 84 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,200 Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle, then he'd see some horror. 85 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,480 But what do you do? 86 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,280 You read about some massacre in Darfur 87 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:11,520 or some school bus gets blown up, and you go, "Oh, my God, the horror!" 88 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,960 And then you turn the page and finish your eggs from free-range chickens. 89 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,760 Because what can you do? It's overwhelming. 90 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,560 I tried to commit suicide myself. 91 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,080 Obviously, it didn't work out. 92 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,000 But why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you got your own problems. 93 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:32,120 I'm sure you're all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and dreams. 94 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:36,680 Your predictably unsatisfying love lives. Your failed business ventures. 95 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,920 "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!" 96 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,040 "If only I had purchased that house years ago!" 97 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,240 "If only I had made a move on that woman. " 98 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,560 If this, if that. You know what? 99 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,600 Give me a break with your "could haves" and "should haves. " 100 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,160 Like my mother used to say, 101 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,120 "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley car. " 102 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,320 My mother didn't have wheels. She had varicose veins. 103 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,400 Still, the woman gave birth to a brilliant mind. 104 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,680 I was considered for a Nobel Prize in physics. 105 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:04,920 I didn't get it. 106 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,560 But, you know, it's all politics, just like every other phony honor. 107 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:13,360 Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter because of some personal setback. 108 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,680 By the standards of a mindless, barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky. 109 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,560 I was married to a beautiful woman, who had family money. 110 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,080 For years we lived on Beckmann Place. 111 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,320 I taught at Columbia. String theory. 112 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,560 What's the matter, Boris? 113 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:36,760 I'm dying! 114 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,160 What is it? 115 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,520 I'm dying! 116 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:41,760 Should I call an ambulance? 117 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:46,240 No! No, not now! No, not tonight! I mean, eventually! 118 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,080 - Boris, everybody dies. - It's unacceptable! 119 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,600 Your panic attacks are getting more frequent and more intense. 120 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,240 You have to go back on your medicine. 121 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,120 I'm not going back on my goddamn medicine. 122 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,720 I won't have my mind befuddled by chemicals 123 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,240 when I'm the only one who sees the whole picture for exactly what it is. 124 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,280 Where's the goddamn vodka? 125 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,800 Boris, I have clients to see tomorrow morning. 126 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,120 - It is 4:00 a. m.! - Clients. Right. Wealthy bankers. 127 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,200 To design their chic apartment, to fill it full of art and expensive possessions, 128 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,440 so they can flaunt their money 129 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,840 and be in the top 1% of this shameful, violent, prejudiced, 130 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,520 illiterate, sexually repressed, self-righteous nation! 131 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:24,200 Christ, it is 4:00 a. m. Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade! 132 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,720 I'm a man with a huge worldview. I'm surrounded by microbes! 133 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,920 And what about me? Am I a microbe? Is our son at Yale a microbe? 134 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,560 Let's face it, Jessica, okay? 135 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,040 Our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses. 136 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,680 Botanically speaking, you're more of a Venus flytrap. 137 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,560 You are a very difficult man to live with. 138 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,560 - Is that why you had an affair? - I didn't have an affair. 139 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,920 It was a brief interlude of infidelity, and it happened years ago. 140 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,000 You still can't forget it! 141 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,880 I see everything so clearly now. Everything! 142 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,960 - I married you for all the wrong reasons. - What's that supposed to mean? 143 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,000 You're brilliant. I wanted someone to talk to. 144 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,800 You loved classical music, you loved art, you loved literature. 145 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,800 You loved sex! You loved me! 146 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,520 Those sound like pretty good reasons to me! 147 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,120 Yes! Exactly! That's the problem! That's the problem! 148 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,680 It was rational, it made sense! 149 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,440 I don't know what went wrong. 150 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,680 When you examine it, there is so much right about us. 151 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,440 On paper we're ideal. 152 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,360 But life isn't on paper. 153 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,800 Boris? Boris, what are you doing? 154 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,480 Close the window! 155 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:34,200 Boris! 156 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,640 Can you believe I hit the canopy? I hit the goddamn canopy. 157 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,720 Months in the hospital! Moron doctors! Look. Look at this limp. 158 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,760 I never had a limp before. 159 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,720 Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica, moved downtown and gave up. 160 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,560 I eke out a meager living teaching chess to incompetent zombies. 161 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,240 Checkmate, you little patzer. 162 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,720 Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff. You're supposed to be teaching him... 163 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,240 He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58. 164 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:05,520 More important than how I make my living, is why I bother to live at all. 165 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,680 Nights, I have trouble sleeping and hang out on Mott Street, 166 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,680 trying to explain to cretins that while a black man got into the White House 167 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,760 he still can't get a cab in New York. 168 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,960 Almost 100 years after the abolition of slavery, 169 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:21,080 a man couldn't play a game of baseball in the big leagues if his skin color was black. 170 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,200 You're harping on one point. 171 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,720 Oh, good. Okay, forget blacks. Take Jews. 172 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,800 - What? - Here we go. 173 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,400 For years they restricted the number of Jews in schools, medical schools. 174 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,160 In America, as much as they hated blacks, they hate Jews even more. 175 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,000 Blacks they were scared had too big a penis. Jews they hated, even with little penises. 176 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,360 For God's sake, I'm eating here. 177 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,640 You! I've been looking for you. 178 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,280 - I want to talk to you. - Who are you? 179 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:49,600 Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces and hit my son with it at his lesson today? 180 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,240 That idiot's your son? 181 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,320 Do me a favor. Don't send that cretin to me anymore. 182 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,200 I can't teach an empty-headed zombie chess. 183 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,000 I'll have you know that he is a very bright child. 184 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,320 In your opinion. In your opinion. 185 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,640 Which is skewed, because he's your unfortunate issue. 186 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,000 So you threw a chessboard at him? 187 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,360 I didn't throw it at him. 188 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,920 I picked up the board and dumped the pieces on his head 189 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,040 as an object lesson to shake him out of his vegetable torpor. 190 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,600 You wait until my husband gets back from Florida. 191 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,520 - What's he doing in Florida without you? - He will punch you in the nose. 192 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,040 Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale. 193 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,880 He's probably hanging out with naked coeds on spring break. 194 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,520 He tells her it's a business trip. 195 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,120 Your son's an imbecile. Teach him tiddlywinks, not chess. 196 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,080 You handled that beautifully, Boris. 197 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,880 You know, you should open the Boris Yellnikoff Charm School. 198 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,520 Let's get out of here. It's late. I'm tired. 199 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,080 Good night, Boris. 200 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,200 What? What are you doing? 201 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,840 Where are you going? That's it? 202 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,120 - Sir? - Hey! What? 203 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,040 What the hell are you doing? My God, you scared me. For God's sake! 204 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,160 You creep up on me like that, you little vagrant. What do you want? 205 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:07,800 Can you help me get something to eat? 206 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,400 Oh, God, no, I don't carry any money. Now, come on, 207 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,400 you can tell that to your partner, wherever he's hiding. 208 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,800 - Please, I'm so hungry! - Back up! Back up! 209 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,640 I haven't had anything to eat all day. I think I'm going to faint. 210 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,640 Yeah, listen, I'm wise to that scam, little girl, okay? 211 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,400 I know about professional beggar school. 212 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,280 Please, I'm desperate. 213 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:29,040 God, stop that! You look terrible! What's wrong with you? 214 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:30,960 Just... All right. 215 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,920 Come up for two minutes. That's it. And then... 216 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,960 - And then go. - Thank you! 217 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,560 Two minutes, okay? That's it. 218 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:44,960 Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you 219 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,440 Happy birthday, dear Boris Happy birthday to you 220 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,200 Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you 221 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,400 Happy birthday, dear Boris Happy birthday to you 222 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:55,920 Is this your birthday? 223 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,560 You don't know you have to sing Happy Birthday twice to get the germs off? 224 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,560 You said you were starving. What do you like? 225 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,280 I like oysters, blackened redfish, gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed... 226 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,640 Are you nuts? What do you think I'm running? A Creole restaurant? 227 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,600 - How about a can of sardines? - Oh, yes, please. 228 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,120 Gumbo. So what's your name? 229 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,680 Melody. Melody Celestine. 230 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,680 Melody Celestine. 231 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,200 Melody Saint Anne Celestine. 232 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,440 It's French. My mama's family was from New Orleans. 233 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,400 I'm from Mississippi, Mr... 234 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,280 Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge. 235 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,240 Mr. Muggeridge. 236 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,960 Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it? 237 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,200 No, I haven't. Not even the people who live there have heard of it. 238 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,000 So... 239 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,280 So what are you running away from? 240 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:55,840 Home. 241 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,920 Could you be more specific, Melanie? 242 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,680 Melody. Melanie was from Gone with the Wind. 243 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,680 Oh, yeah. I preferred the one who played Scarlett. 244 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,880 Why? Melanie was the nice one. She marries Ashley. 245 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,160 Ashley. What an imbecile! 246 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,120 I couldn't stand him, I couldn't stand his wife, 247 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,840 that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing. 248 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:17,920 Scarlett, bitch that she was, with those green eyes... 249 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,680 You know, I came in first dressed as Scarlett O'Hara in one of the pageants. 250 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,040 Pageant? 251 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,080 My mom always used to keep me busy in all these beauty contests. 252 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,560 That's why I didn't get to schooling much. 253 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,760 All right, my advice to you, go back home. 254 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,800 Oh, no, I'm never going back home. 255 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,440 You're a brainless little twit who won't last three days in New York. 256 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,040 You'd be dead now of starvation if I hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors. 257 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,280 I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge. 258 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,600 - All right, stop calling me Muggeridge. - But that's your name. 259 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,840 No, it's not my name. My name is Boris Yellnikoff. 260 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,520 I was using an alias. I thought, who knows, you might be from the Taliban or something. 261 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,120 Can I stay here? 262 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,640 Stay here? What are you? Nuts? How old are you? 263 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,840 - I'm 21. - Twenty-one? Yeah. 264 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,600 You're 21 like I play for the Yankees. Twenty-one! 265 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,880 You're a professional athlete with that limp? 266 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,840 - Oh, Christ! - All right, look, I don't want to go back. 267 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,880 Okay? I want to make a new life here in New York. 268 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,840 You'll wind up a prostitute, like those Asian girls who come here full of high hopes. 269 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,520 And then they wind up turning tricks to keep alive. 270 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,480 And many of them are actually good-looking. 271 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,280 That's so funny you just mentioned tricks! You know, I do magic. 272 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,720 I do. I can show you. I just need... Do you have any silk handkerchiefs? 273 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,520 Yeah, you know, some other time, you're... 274 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:36,560 Look, you're a sweet kid. Stupid beyond all comprehension, 275 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,360 but you'll never survive here. You got nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch. 276 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,560 You know, you may be beauty contest material in the Deep South, 277 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,400 but this is the big time. Here, you're a three. 278 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,040 A five maybe after you bathe. 279 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,320 Did you get that limp playing for the Yankees? 280 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,360 Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm. 281 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,880 I didn't play for the Yankees! I was being sarcastic before. 282 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:03,440 - Oh, you... I took it seriously. - Yes. 283 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:08,080 I usually get jokes. At the church's social, I was the comedian twice. 284 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,760 - I've a way with jokes. Yes. - Really? 285 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,240 - Spare me and just get out. - No, Mr. Muggeridge... 286 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,760 Stop calling me Muggeridge, okay? I already explained that! 287 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,920 I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just... 288 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,760 I just need a place to stay for a few nights, till I get on my feet. 289 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,040 I don't have anywhere to go. 290 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,520 And if you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, 291 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,120 that's gonna be on your conscience. 292 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,920 I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile. I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange 293 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,400 between a bedraggled microbe and a Nobel-level thinker. 294 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,440 - Keep out of my way. - I will, I promise. 295 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,400 I'm just gonna use the little girl's to freshen up, 296 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:47,680 and then I'm gonna go right to sleep. 297 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,600 Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen up. Don't forget to tip the attendant. 298 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,840 - I won't. Thank you so much, Mr... - Oh, what? 299 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,440 - You were going to say Muggeridge again? - No! 300 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,240 It's Boris Yellnikoff! You call me Muggeridge one more time, 301 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,720 I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window. 302 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,520 - Do you mind if I watch a little TV? - Yes, I do, simpleton. 303 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,760 I just like to turn some on at night to unwind. 304 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:12,160 Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your head with my bare hands. How about that? 305 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,440 - Did you hear about Boris? - What? 306 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,960 I tried to call him yesterday and a woman answered the phone. 307 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,000 No! Who is she? 308 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,840 He got conned into letting some little runaway 309 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,600 bed down in his apartment while she looks for a job and gets settled. 310 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,200 Apparently she's never been to New York before 311 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,480 and she's asked him if he would show her around. 312 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,120 - Boris is going to be sightseeing? - Yeah. 313 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,400 - Not a chance. - No way. 314 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,640 No way. 315 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,920 My whole life I've lived in New York, I never wanted to go to Grant's Tomb. 316 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,800 - Now I know why. - Why? 317 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,640 I should never go to a tomb, ever. 318 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,240 My mom brought me up to believe that 319 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,400 the good Lord has a plan that we're all a part of. 320 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,960 - He has His eye on the sparrow. - Yeah, I pity the sparrow. 321 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,080 I'm not getting into heaven, though. I sinned. 322 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,720 You? You're kidding. You sinned? 323 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,040 I made love before I was married. 324 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,120 Oh, my God. 325 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:06,160 Plenty of my friends have, but in my house, that's just unforgivable. 326 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:07,920 I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon. 327 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,000 All right, okay, spare me the details, all right. 328 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,640 No, it was really beautiful! I mean, he was just 329 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,600 this pretty boy guitar player in this amazing rock band. 330 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,920 I mean, if you think you're a genius, he can double on the drums. 331 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,320 - No! Doubles on drums? - Yeah. 332 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,080 All the girls had a crush on him, but he liked me. 333 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,000 He was so sweet and sensitive, 334 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,440 and he caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County. 335 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,520 I wondered who caught that catfish. 336 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,520 Hey, you know, my mom always told me that it was gonna hurt the first time, 337 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:35,760 you know, she said it was, you know, 338 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:40,000 it's a woman's duty to just lie down, bear it and... 339 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,600 You know, she said there were a lot of perversions involved, and that, you know, 340 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,040 it's God's will, you shouldn't do it 341 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,120 unless you were married and you planned to have kids and... 342 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,720 She said it could be dangerous, but I just felt like it was 343 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:54,760 the most natural thing in the world. You know, it just felt right. 344 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,400 And all the little extras were just fun. It wasn't complicated at all. 345 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,560 And I think Bobby really liked it, because he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary, 346 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,640 this girl he was going steady with. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it. 347 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,520 It was just what it was, you know, it was a nice moment behind the tent at the fish fry. 348 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,240 That is the most disgusting story I've ever heard. 349 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:22,120 You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking your lust at some barbaric social function. 350 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,080 You don't like to make love? 351 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,080 No, I do not. No. 352 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,040 That's crazy! 353 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,840 Boris, do you want to be buried or cremated? 354 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,600 All right, I really don't want to talk about that. Okay? 355 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,160 - I think I want to be cremated. - All right, will you shut up, cretin? 356 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,520 There's no worms. 357 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,440 - What is this? - A knish. 358 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,840 And what's it made of? 359 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,960 I've been eating these things for years, they're delicious. 360 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,040 I don't know what's in them. 361 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,120 I don't want to know what's in them. Don't even talk about it! 362 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,880 - Oh, my God! The horror! The horror! - Boris! 363 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,560 - Are you all right? What happened? - No, I'm not all right. 364 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,120 - Are you sick? - No. 365 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,680 Did you have a bad dream? 366 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,440 Yeah, it was terrible. 367 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,080 - Come here. It's okay. - Oh, I can't... 368 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,600 Oh, baby, you're sweating. Come sit down. 369 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,440 Night sweats. I get them. 370 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,480 I used to think it was AIDS, but it's just that I have a morbid fear of the dark 371 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,720 - and you turned my night-light off! - Oh, I'm sorry. 372 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,600 Does your stomach hurt? Could it be the kwish? 373 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,400 Knish! Not kwish. 374 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,800 Well, here, I'll put something on TV. 375 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,400 - I saw the abyss. - Don't worry, we'll watch something else. 376 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,200 - Oh, this is... - Yeah. 377 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,200 Fred Astaire. Yeah. 378 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,440 Leave that. 379 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,600 That's good. Leave that. 380 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,960 There, that's it, okay? Can we get the hell out of here? 381 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,600 Oh, my God, that's it! It's the actual one! 382 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,880 I've only seen it in pictures! 383 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,000 "Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses... " 384 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,240 I'm surprised you know that, terrible as it is. 385 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:15,080 I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood, Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving. 386 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,440 But the huddled masses were never welcomed with open arms. 387 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:21,280 Soon as they came over, each ethnic group was met with violence and hostility. 388 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,960 Each one had to claw and fight its way in. 389 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,840 People always hated foreigners. It's the American way. 390 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:30,440 Our pageants like to focus on the positive things about America. 391 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,240 Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped from Africa! Chained in ships! 392 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,520 My daddy says that America bends over backwards 393 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,640 for the blacks because we feel guilty, and it's crazy. 394 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,360 Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy! 395 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,560 Well, you're probably right, 'cause you're a genius, 396 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:50,640 but for a little Mississippi girl like me, this is really exciting! 397 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,800 So what kind of genius are you, anyway? 398 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,040 - What kind? - Yeah, what are you genius at? 399 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,040 Quantum mechanics. 400 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,440 Yeah, but what field? Like, music? 401 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:08,040 When you see kids tossing a ball, does it ever make you miss spring training? 402 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:12,600 All right, I've never played for the Yankees. Do you understand that? 403 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,200 I have never played any sports whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever! 404 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,840 Joe, Leo, you gotta help me out. I can't take it anymore. 405 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,520 - Just kick her out. - Can you believe it's been a month already? 406 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,120 - A whole month? God, time flies. - Well put. 407 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,680 Well, at least is she pretty? 408 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,800 - She's won some beauty contests. - No. 409 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,360 Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her. 410 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:36,120 Well, she's blonde. Nice height. Nice eyes. 411 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,160 Didn't quite realize how blue they were that first night. 412 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:43,440 Her face is a little more symmetrical than I had originally conceived. 413 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,800 She's not a ten. In a pinch, six. 414 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,440 - Good in bed? - How would I know? I just want her out. 415 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,880 - Can I ask you to dance with me? - It's too crowded. 416 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,840 I don't mean now. In a few minutes, 417 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,320 the dance will be over and everyone will go home. 418 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,000 Well, the band will go home, too. 419 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:05,000 Why, there'll just be the two of us left, and we can imagine the music. 420 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,440 We can pretend there's a big orchestra of violins 421 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,320 and they're playing just for us as we dance. 422 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,040 You know, it's been proven television eats away the brain. 423 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:17,120 Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you! 424 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,720 What? What's all this? 425 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,400 I'm making you a special dinner. 426 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,760 - Really? For me? - Yeah. 427 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,840 And me, 'cause we're celebrating. 428 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,160 We are? What is it? 429 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,680 - Crawfish! I found some at the market. - Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house! 430 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,440 No, they're so good. You'll love them. 431 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,440 Listen, Melody, seriously, we have to talk. 432 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,920 Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk over dinner. It's almost done. 433 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,320 Melody, you're a very nice young woman. Really, very nice. 434 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,680 You have a lot of nice attributes, 435 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,920 but, you know, you just can't continue to stay here ad infinitum. 436 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,720 Yeah, yeah, but that's my news. Guess what? 437 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,840 I got a job! I can start paying you rent. 438 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,080 Rent? I don't want you to pay me rent! 439 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,680 I want my life back. What kind of job? 440 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,040 I start tomorrow as a dog walker. 441 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,120 A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously... 442 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,680 Melody, don't you think you should go back home and finish high school, 443 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,760 maybe even go to college? 444 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,400 I thought the other night you were talking about how America has 445 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,000 one of the worst education systems in the Old West. 446 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,440 - No, no, the Western world. - Yeah, right, exactly, 447 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,160 and how most colleges just turn out mindless zombie morons. 448 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,040 You could benefit from classes. 449 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,200 I think the crawfish are ready. 450 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,600 What is that song? 451 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,680 They played that song the first time I went out with Jessica. 452 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,360 - Where did you go? - We went to a dance. 453 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,240 We were both students at the University of Chicago. 454 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,760 She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress. 455 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,440 Boy, they really don't write them like they used to. 456 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,240 Oh! That's a cliche. 457 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:02,080 Good, Melody. You caught it. 458 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,920 Well, you always get so mad when I do them. 459 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,240 Yeah, I shouldn't really. Sometimes a cliche 460 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,800 is finally the best way to make one's point. 461 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,840 Boris, 462 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,680 what would you say if I was to say 463 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,760 that I was developing a little crush on you? 464 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,560 - I'd say don't. - Why? 465 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:34,000 Because anything deeper, more significant between us, is out of the question. 466 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:35,640 Because why? 467 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:39,840 Because it's too preposterous to even dignity with an answer. 468 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,600 It is? 469 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,840 Every single thing is against it. 470 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,040 Our ages, our backgrounds, our brains, our interests. 471 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:52,400 Not to mention, I have no desire to have a relationship with a woman, any woman, 472 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,880 nor any urge to make love, nor any desire to be anything 473 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,040 but isolated from the world. 474 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,440 And, you know, you're a beautiful girl 475 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,240 who should be meeting normal healthy men and going out. 476 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,240 Yeah, but I don't like normal healthy men. 477 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:11,760 I like you. 478 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:18,560 I... You're hallucinating! I'm sure you'll make some man very happy 479 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,480 at a fish fry or a dog fight or however you people spend time. 480 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,800 You really think I'm beautiful? 481 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,840 I admit I didn't give you your full due at first, physically. 482 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,120 However, as only a great mind can do, 483 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,680 I've reassessed my 484 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,560 position, and changed my mind. 485 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,600 So you could never think of marrying me? 486 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,360 Have you lost your mind? 487 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,280 Why on Earth would you even fantasize about such a thing? 488 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:52,960 What could I offer you, but a bad temper, hypochondriasis, 489 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:57,040 morbid fixations, reclusive rages and misanthropy? 490 00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,200 And what could you offer me? 491 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,480 A character out of Faulkner, not unlike Benjy. 492 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,840 The answer to your question is no. 493 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,480 I think you should stay here for a while, accumulate some money, 494 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,760 and then find a place of your own, and move on with your life. 495 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,920 Well, what about your life? 496 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,080 Let me teach you something about love. Okay? 497 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,240 Naturally, there are exceptions to what I'm going to say, 498 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,920 but they're the exception, not the rule. 499 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,200 Love, despite what they tell you, 500 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,400 does not conquer all. Nor does it even usually last. 501 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,120 In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth 502 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,320 are reduced to 503 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,000 whatever works. Okay? 504 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,000 Why do I think your bark is worse than your bite? 505 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,480 Cliche, Melody. 506 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:51,840 Oh, I don't care! If the shoe fits, wear it, and that's another one. 507 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,640 We need to talk for a minute. 508 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,720 Can you believe this little inchworm setting her sights on me? 509 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:16,080 Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments. Some dinners, some walks in the park. 510 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,840 I gave her the benefit of my vast knowledge and experience. 511 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,240 Tried to impart to her the perceptions and values 512 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,360 of a truly original mentality. 513 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,960 I only wish I could do a Pygmalion on her. 514 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:33,280 But if Henry Higgins ever tried to transform Melody Saint Anne Celestine, 515 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,280 he, too, would have jumped out the window. 516 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,000 Come on. 517 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,840 - Oh, boy! New friends. - I'm sorry. 518 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:58,400 Oh, yeah. They like each other. 519 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,680 It's okay. I rather like dogs. 520 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,320 Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself. I just do this professionally. Sorry. 521 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,720 I never met a professional dog walker. 522 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,400 Really? It's not really the career that I want, but... 523 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,200 What do you want to do? 524 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,200 I'd like to work with children. 525 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,720 You're very pretty, you know that? 526 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,760 - Shut up! Thank you. - Can I ask your name? 527 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,520 It's Melody. Melody Saint Anne Celestine. 528 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,040 What a beautiful name! Mine's Perry Singleton. 529 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:28,680 - It's nice to meet you. - Yes, nice to meet you. 530 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,720 May I walk along with you? 531 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,880 I don't see why not, you know, since we're all doomed anyway. 532 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:37,760 - Pardon me? - Well, you know, everything ends. 533 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,200 I don't think I follow. 534 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:44,520 Well, you know, it's like the cosmos, or eternity. 535 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,240 Whichever's bigger. I just know that we're all flying apart. 536 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,200 What is that? What is that? Is that a move? 537 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:53,480 Well, I thought your bishop was... 538 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:55,960 My bishop what? What? You patzer, you earthworm! 539 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,920 How many times do I have to tell you? You don't take that pawn. 540 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:00,880 That's called the poisoned pawn, because look! 541 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,920 - Boris! - Look what happens! 542 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:04,520 - Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff. - Yeah, you're sorry, 543 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,560 you're sorry. Use your head next time, you won't be sorry! 544 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:08,600 - Boris! - Yeah. Do your homework next week. 545 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,400 Don't waste my time. 546 00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,920 - Hey! - Poisoned! 547 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,240 I got off work early today and I thought maybe we could walk home together. 548 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,440 Maybe I can make black-eyed peas and crab cakes for dinner. 549 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,520 - No, I'm not hungry. - What's the matter? 550 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,720 - My ulcer's been killing me all day. - I thought you didn't have an ulcer. 551 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,160 No, I said they can't find an ulcer, not that I don't have one. 552 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:27,200 Those malpractice medical mental midgets. 553 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,920 They drop that endoscope down my throat and probe me like coal miners, 554 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,320 and they always come up with nothing! 555 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,200 Well, guess what happened today? 556 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:38,440 I got to talking to this boy on the job, and he asked me out on a date. 557 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:40,880 Really? 558 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,440 I could tell he liked me right off 559 00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:47,000 and we went and had coffee and just had, you know, funny banter. 560 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:48,880 You know what banter is, it's like flirty talk. 561 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,080 Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with banter. 562 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,800 Yeah, so, anyway, he asked if I had a boyfriend. 563 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,720 I said, "Not really. " He said, "I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00." 564 00:29:58,400 --> 00:29:59,760 What do you think? 565 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:05,240 Great. I just hope he's not a Ted Bundy, you know. 566 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:06,800 A who? 567 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:09,280 You have to keep an eye out for serial killers. 568 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,680 He's not a serial killer. At least he didn't mention it. 569 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,400 Yeah, well, you have to be careful. 570 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:16,960 Sometimes they put you in the trunk of a car and you can't breathe. 571 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:18,840 I'm not... I'm serious. 572 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,880 I told him your theory about capital punishment. 573 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:24,000 What did you say? 574 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,960 That it should include people that don't pick up after their dogs, 575 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:32,440 people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk, people who call mothers "moms" and... 576 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,320 I can't remember them all, you have so many. 577 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,920 - How do I look? - Subnormal. 578 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,400 Why? What's wrong? 579 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,040 That's an awfully aggressive ensemble. 580 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,600 You looking to wind up in an abortion clinic? 581 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,040 I want to look nice. 582 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:55,320 Just kind of give him an idea of what he might be in for if he plays his cards right. 583 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:57,440 Oh, yeah? What's he in for? 584 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,000 All the stuff with a woman that you reject, 585 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,480 because you're a genius and you're above it all. 586 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,440 But I happen to be pretty sharp, too, 587 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,360 and I have a natural talent in the field of fooling around. 588 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,560 Yeah, well, I just hope you're saving your money 589 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,600 so you can move out quickly, you know, now that you're working. 590 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,960 - Hi, Perry! - Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the train. 591 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,000 No, it's fine. Come on in. 592 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:19,360 This is Perry. 593 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,640 Hi. Your daughter is very lovely, Mr. Celestine. 594 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,080 I'm not her father. 595 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:27,360 Grandfather? 596 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,000 Perry, I told you I was staying with a friend. 597 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:32,440 So what do you do, Perry? 598 00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:36,240 He's studying. Investments and investing things. 599 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:38,720 You got any 600 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:41,640 identification? 601 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:45,840 - Pardon me? - You know, driver's license, birth certificate. 602 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,680 No, sir. I never carry around my birth certificate. Why would I? 603 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,080 Be careful, Bundy sometimes posed as a banker. 604 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,960 I'm just gonna go finish getting ready. I'll be right back. 605 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,960 Melody tells me you're a very brilliant man. 606 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,720 If an IQ of 200 is brilliant. 607 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,520 She explained to me your theory about life being meaningless. 608 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,560 Don't let it spoil your evening. 609 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,880 - Okay, let's go, Perry. - Okay. 610 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:20,960 Hey! Come here. 611 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,880 - Don't give him any information about me. - Like what? 612 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,200 You know, dates, credit card numbers, blood type, things like that. 613 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,840 Goodbye, Boris. 614 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,000 Oh, and hey, if I'm not here when you get back, don't worry. 615 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,000 Oh? Where are you going? 616 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:36,240 - Out. - Okay, fine. 617 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,800 - Yeah, I have friends, too. - Okay. Yeah. 618 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:46,760 I even heard the opening's supposed to be good. 619 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,200 Yeah, they are. Have you seen them before? 620 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:52,200 No, no. This is my first concert in New York. 621 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,200 You didn't tell me that. 622 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,840 Get the hell out of here. In America, they have summer camps for everything. 623 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:02,280 Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp. 624 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:05,360 - Tennis camp. - Tennis camp. Movie director camp! 625 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,360 They should have a concentration camp. 626 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,920 Two weeks mandatory for all kids growing up, 627 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:14,880 so they would finally understand what the human race is capable of. 628 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,920 Brilliant! Except who'd send their kid to a concentration camp? 629 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,840 A responsible parent who wants their child to grasp reality. 630 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:26,040 All right, all right, all right, let's change the subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died. 631 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:27,120 - Harry Lawson? - Yeah, I heard. 632 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,600 - Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday. - Really? 633 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,840 - What a great chemist. - But he was a smoker. 634 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:36,800 A smoker. The minute a person dies, he's a smoker or overweight. 635 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,040 Hey, I got news for you, thin non-smokers die, too. Okay? 636 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:41,960 Abstinence isn't going to save you. 637 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,200 You're pleasant tonight. 638 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,760 - What are you talking about? - Where's Melody tonight? 639 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:49,560 She's out listening to some eardrum-busting bilge posing as music. 640 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:51,200 I thought you were going to kick her out. 641 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:54,520 Well, hopefully this guy tonight will take her off my hands. 642 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,760 You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty. 643 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:01,920 Now she's pretty? 644 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:05,480 What? I'm just saying she's not atrocious-looking. That's all. 645 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:08,120 I'd say a seven or eight. 646 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,600 Anybody here? 647 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,120 - Oh, you're up! - Yeah, I just got in. 648 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:26,840 And what did you do? 649 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:30,000 I went dancing at a Latin club. It was limbo night. 650 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,560 Shut up! 651 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,760 You were talking about people 652 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,160 and politics and all that stuff you guys like to hate. 653 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,160 How was your date? 654 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:42,640 - It was a big washout! Yeah. - Really? 655 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,120 This particular rock band wasn't any good? I don't know how you can differentiate? 656 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:48,600 No! No, the music was fine. 657 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,560 - Just that guy and his friends! I just... - What? 658 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:57,320 Well, his taste! He just... He likes everything. 659 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:01,480 Life, love, human beings! 660 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:07,080 And the couple that we double-dated with, they were just protons! 661 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,560 - Protons? - Do I mean protons? 662 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,520 Cretins! 663 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:17,720 Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't know the first thing about string theory. 664 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:20,640 I think you're a little drunk. 665 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:23,440 I did have a few drinks. 666 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,080 But can you blame me? Hanging out with those inchworms? 667 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,880 I mean, they actually think that love is the answer to everything. 668 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,840 I told them about Jethro Paige from back home. 669 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:42,560 He got caught doing it with a sheep. Making love with a sheep. 670 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,760 And they were all laughing and everything, 671 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,600 but I just looked at them and said, "Folks, 672 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,160 "as Boris would say, whatever works. " 673 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,640 - What are you looking at? - Unbelievable. 674 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:05,040 The chance factor in life is mind-boggling. 675 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:08,760 You entered the world 676 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,120 by a random event 677 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,360 somewhere along the Mississippi. 678 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,160 I, having emerged through the conjoining 679 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:21,800 of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff in the Bronx, 680 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,360 decades earlier. 681 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:27,560 And through an astronomical 682 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,160 concatenation of circumstances, 683 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:33,200 our paths cross. 684 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:36,040 Two runaways 685 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,480 in the vast, 686 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,280 black, 687 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,200 unspeakably violent 688 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:46,680 and indifferent universe. 689 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,640 Can you believe I married her? What possessed me? 690 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:07,560 This search in life for something to give the illusion of meaning. 691 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,320 To quell the panic. 692 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,240 All right, so it's been a year. 693 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,720 Three hundred and sixty-five days of married life. 694 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:19,240 And you know what? Not the worst year of my life, either. 695 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:22,080 What are these? 696 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,200 - They're grits. - Seriously? 697 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:32,280 They're actually disgusting. 698 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:34,680 She's cheerful, not demanding. 699 00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:39,760 Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but not as ambitious and predatory, either. 700 00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:44,000 Jessica's problem was she made up in ego what she lacked in superego. 701 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,600 But not Melody. 702 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,600 She likes being a nanny. She's happy with other people's kids, 703 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:51,760 so mercifully she doesn't bother me about having our own. 704 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:54,040 Once a week we see a movie. 705 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:56,600 Maybe she doesn't understand everything I take her to, 706 00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:58,600 but she tries and she's a good sport. 707 00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,440 She sits up nights with me when I have my panic attacks. 708 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,200 She keeps me company at the emergency room 709 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:06,160 when I'm convinced my mosquito bite is a melanoma. 710 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,720 Yes, my life is circumscribed, but I manage to avoid stress. 711 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,960 I've achieved a delicate balance. 712 00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:17,040 And as long as I can maintain it, I feel less inclined to ending it. 713 00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:41,480 Oh, no, no, no. 714 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,800 - Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good. - What? 715 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,240 I like music I can dance to. 716 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:50,040 I know, I know, but this is brutal. Here, you know what I want you to do? 717 00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:53,400 Put this on. Okay? And then when I come out, we'll discuss it. 718 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:55,600 All right, I'll try. 719 00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,120 It's Beethoven's Fifth! 720 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,560 Think of the music as fate knocking on the door. 721 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,960 Maybe a little story will help you appreciate it. 722 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,160 Fate knocking on the door. 723 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,760 - Mother? - Melody! 724 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:51,680 Oh, it's you! 725 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:54,320 - Oh, my God. - It's my baby! 726 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:57,880 I finally found you, praise Jesus! 727 00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,640 How did you find me? 728 00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:01,920 Oh, my prayers were finally answered! 729 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:05,240 I can't... You're just the last person I expected to see. 730 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,640 Well, when you least expect it, fate has a way of knocking on your door. 731 00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:11,480 Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag. 732 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:17,320 What are you doing here? 733 00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:20,600 - Well, I was trying to find you, honey. - Why? 734 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,000 - I came to find you, honey! - You did? 735 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,200 Oh, we searched and searched. 736 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:29,320 The police looked for clues. Everything led to a dead end. 737 00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:32,800 How we worried. I developed crow's feet from the worrying. 738 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,680 Now look here. I had a little work done. 739 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:37,880 Mother, I left you a letter. I told you I'd be all right. 740 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,440 Melody Saint Anne, I'd hardly call this all right! 741 00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,400 Well, what's wrong with it? 742 00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,360 What's wrong? What's happened to your senses? 743 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:50,040 Everything's wrong. You're living like a sharecropper. 744 00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,800 But it's clean as a whistle. I clean it myself every day. 745 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,200 You clean? You don't have a woman? 746 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:57,520 Boris can't really afford help. 747 00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,280 - Who? - Boris. 748 00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:03,280 - Who's Boris? - My husband. 749 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:06,960 - What? - That's right, Mama, I got married. 750 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:11,440 - And he's taken you to live here? - No, no, I moved in with him. 751 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:14,760 I have to have a drink. 752 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,240 I need to sit. I need an anesthetic. 753 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:22,720 Okay, okay, have a seat. We don't have any bourbon or nothing. 754 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,600 Just bring me the drink with the highest volume of alcohol you have. 755 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,840 You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy. 756 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,040 Kind of happy? 757 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,520 You leave a loving home in Eden, 758 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,200 run off with some crazy kid, I'm guessing he's a rock musician 759 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,440 who can't earn a respectable living, and you wind up 760 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:45,000 in this decadent city, living in a rattrap. 761 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:48,120 This is exactly why I ran away. 762 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:51,240 Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why did you forsake your loving home? 763 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,040 Because, Mama, you're... 764 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,240 You're overbearing. That's it. You're overbearing 765 00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:00,160 and you fail to see the big picture. 766 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,440 What big picture are you talking about? 767 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:05,560 I don't know. 768 00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:09,520 All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, 769 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,600 so you may as well relax. 770 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,240 I'm just gonna have a little moment of prayer. 771 00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:19,160 Mama, you're still caught up in that Christian superstition? 772 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:21,240 Happy birthday to you 773 00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:22,720 What's that? 774 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,200 That's Boris. 775 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,040 It's his birthday? 776 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:27,680 No, he's just washing his hands. 777 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,920 Happy birthday, dear Boris Happy birthday to you 778 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:39,080 Who's this? 779 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,920 Boris, this is my mother. 780 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,920 Mother, my husband. 781 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,400 Mama! Mama! 782 00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:52,640 Walk her around, she's obviously a boozehound. 783 00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:54,200 Mama, are you all right? 784 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:55,800 - Did he drug you? - What? 785 00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,120 - Are you on sodium pentothal? - No. 786 00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,120 That's what they do, the secular humanists. 787 00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:04,360 It's uncanny. She's exactly the kind of moron you described. 788 00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:06,920 You are not the gentleman I was expecting. 789 00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:08,480 I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy 790 00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:11,800 if she married the guy who caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemines County. 791 00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,040 I'd be happier if she married the catfish. 792 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,960 No, you see, Mama, Boris is a genius. Okay? 793 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,160 He doesn't have a lot of patience for us inchworms. 794 00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:20,680 - We, we inchworms. - We. 795 00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:21,760 Some genius. 796 00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,160 I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize. 797 00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:27,360 That's right, Boris. And what was it for again? Best Picture? 798 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:28,600 I need more booze. 799 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:30,280 You know, you never said how you found me. 800 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:34,560 Oh, Melody. I have a sad tale to tell you. 801 00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,320 What happened, Mama? 802 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,320 Your father left me. 803 00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:42,640 - Aren't you shocked? - No. 804 00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:44,920 And with who, of all people? 805 00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:46,400 - My best friend, Mandy. - Your best friend, Mandy. 806 00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,240 - How did you know? - Oh, Mama. 807 00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:51,720 It was as plain as the nose on your face. Cliche, sorry. 808 00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:53,680 At first I thought he was acting peculiar, 809 00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:56,920 because things was going so bad for us, darling. 810 00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:58,240 How often did you have intercourse? 811 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:01,120 Are you going to close that insulting mouth? 812 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:05,680 By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money in the stock market after you left 813 00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,200 and we were forced to sell the house. 814 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,440 - You sold the house? - I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating, 815 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:11,000 because we were so desperate. 816 00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,600 And then he lost his job, the company went out of business. 817 00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:15,960 And then we spent all our savings on medical bills, 818 00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:18,480 'cause I came down with a case of the shingles! 819 00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:21,280 - Oh, my God. - Christ, this is like Job. No locusts? 820 00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:25,880 Darling, I turned to Jesus in a deeper way than I had ever done in my life. 821 00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:29,760 I prayed and I prayed, every day and every night, 822 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,600 asking God to help me. 823 00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,200 Let me guess what happened, your shingles got worse. 824 00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:38,760 I said, "Lord, just give me one sign that all my suffering is for a purpose. " 825 00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:41,640 I said, "Please, God, just say something. " 826 00:45:41,720 --> 00:45:44,360 "Break your silence. I can't take any more misery!" 827 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:48,040 Nothing, right? And all that money you put in the tin box every Sunday. 828 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,320 Abortion is murder, that's the long and short of it. 829 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:08,920 - That's how I feel. Well... - Even if the woman is raped? 830 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:10,040 Why are you wasting your breath, Brockman? 831 00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:11,360 You're dealing with an aborigine. 832 00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:13,360 You don't mind killing the unborn, 833 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,520 but when some fiend has raped and murdered, 834 00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,440 you're against giving him that big old injection? 835 00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:21,000 Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't care how many Academy Awards you've won. 836 00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:24,920 I've never won an Academy Award and I've never played for the Yankees! 837 00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:28,840 - Where's the little girl's? Thank you. - It's back there. 838 00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:32,520 Don't forget to sing The Star-Spangled Banner before you sit. 839 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,560 Excuse me. Excuse me. 840 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:50,720 I realize this is forward, but who's that beautiful young girl you're with? 841 00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,920 May I ask why you want to know? 842 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:57,160 Well, because she's very beautiful. And I'm assuming she's your daughter? 843 00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,360 What did you say your name was, darling? 844 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:06,320 - Randy. Randy Lee James. - Randy Lee James. 845 00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:07,360 Nice to meet you. 846 00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,000 It's too good. I think they're putting mayonnaise in here. 847 00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,800 - No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus. - Hello. 848 00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:12,960 Oh, thank you. 849 00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:16,040 - Who were you talking to? - I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody. 850 00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:18,440 Listen, listen, I want to go someplace fun. 851 00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:20,840 Take me someplace fun! It's New York! Let's go. 852 00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,720 Boris, where can I take her that's fun? 853 00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:23,840 How about the Holocaust Museum? 854 00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,240 - Oh, for God's sake, Boris. - No. 855 00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:27,360 - Oh, the wax! The wax figures. - Oh, yes. 856 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:30,040 - Yes, yes, let's go. Come on. - Let's do that. 857 00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,080 - It was so nice to meet you, Leo. - You, too. Have a nice day. 858 00:47:32,160 --> 00:47:34,640 - Bye. Bye, bye. - Bye. 859 00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:36,440 Have fun! 860 00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:40,000 You know, I have to say, even with a textbook right-wing mentality, 861 00:47:40,080 --> 00:47:42,760 your mother-in-law has beautifully shaped breasts. 862 00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:45,240 You know, you're a man of learning, 863 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,320 of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility. 864 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:50,840 This is what you take away from the school-prayer hokum 865 00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:53,080 and "my country right or wrong"? Her bosom? 866 00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:57,520 It's not just her bosom. Her behind is also beautifully contoured. 867 00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,560 Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting her into bed. 868 00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:03,320 She's vulnerable, she's stupid and she's been abandoned. 869 00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:04,960 Personally, I lose all erotic inclination 870 00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:07,480 when the woman's a member of the National Rifle Association. 871 00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:09,160 It's pear-shaped. 872 00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:13,400 Degas used to distinguish between an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped. 873 00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:15,240 And I'm a big fruit eater. 874 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:17,880 - Melody. - That's so weird. 875 00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,160 Oh, my God. Oh, hello. 876 00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,960 - They're made out of real wax, too. - Oh, it's Billy. Billy... 877 00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:25,480 Billy Graham! 878 00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:30,280 Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind of man you should be married to, 879 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,000 not that Communist who sings Happy Birthday 880 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,240 every time he washes his hands. 881 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:36,120 How long are you staying, Mom? 882 00:48:36,200 --> 00:48:38,600 Honey, I don't know where else to go. 883 00:48:38,680 --> 00:48:42,360 I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing! I have to have something. 884 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:46,520 I mean, I'm never going to attract a man again, but you can. Yes. 885 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,000 I don't want to get in an argument. 886 00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:51,000 Honey, I met a young man today who is perfect for you. 887 00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:52,480 - Mom! - Yes. Listen to me. 888 00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:54,680 He is talented, handsome, sweet, 889 00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:58,080 and he has the proper reverence for life and its higher purpose. 890 00:48:58,160 --> 00:48:59,480 What are you talking about? 891 00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:01,720 Face it, Melody, Boris is not like a real husband. 892 00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,640 He's more of an outpatient and you're his keeper. 893 00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:06,880 I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom. 894 00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:10,840 - His name is Randy Lee James. - Who? 895 00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:13,680 This delightful young actor. He fell in love with you at first sight. 896 00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:15,840 - He did. He did. - Mom, I'm married! 897 00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:19,320 I refuse to recognize it. What are you doing with a gimpy chess bum 898 00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:22,960 who has to sleep with the light on? How'd he get that limp? 899 00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,440 He jumped out the window and his suicide didn't work. 900 00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,000 Well, you can't win them all. Now, listen, 901 00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:30,560 I have a good lawyer who can get all of this annulled. 902 00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:33,560 - All of it. Yes. Yes. - No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy! 903 00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:34,920 Oh, hello. 904 00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:40,200 Happy birthday, dear Boris Happy birthday to you 905 00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:44,920 Happy birthday to you 906 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,720 Happy birthday, dear Boris 907 00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:51,800 Happy birthday to you 908 00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:58,360 - Who could be calling at midnight? - Could be burglars, casing the place. 909 00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:02,240 - To steal what? Your Flomax? - Hello? 910 00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:04,640 Oh, hi. 911 00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:07,120 Yeah, just a second. 912 00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:09,040 - It's for me? - Yes. 913 00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:12,120 Don't give away any information about me! 914 00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:13,760 Hello? Oh, hello, Leo. 915 00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:15,960 - It's Leo Brockman. - Brockman? 916 00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:17,200 Really? 917 00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:20,520 Well, that sounds wonderful. 918 00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:25,800 Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah. 919 00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:29,000 3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect. 920 00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,680 Okay. Yeah. See you, darling. 921 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:37,360 "See you, darling"? "See you, darling"? Oh, God, poor Brockman! 922 00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,160 Good night, y'all. 923 00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:42,640 I'm going to say my prayers. I'm praying Brockman has herpes. 924 00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:48,480 That was so wonderful! I never in my life saw a movie in Japanese before. 925 00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:50,080 - Did you like it? - Oh, yes! 926 00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:52,680 I've never seen a movie made by a foreigner. 927 00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:57,160 John, my husband, took me to see stupid movies, which was all there was. 928 00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,680 How do you say this? "Chateau" what? 929 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:00,920 Meyney. 930 00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,360 - The what? - Meyney. 931 00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:04,040 - Meyney? - Yeah. 932 00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:07,720 - It is so delicious. - I'm glad you like it. 933 00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:12,520 What do you do? What do you do, Leo? 934 00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:15,920 I teach philosophy at the university around the corner. 935 00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:18,960 Tell me something. Is Boris really a genius? 936 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:22,240 There was a time when he was a very fine physicist. 937 00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:26,240 Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris. It's my theory that she keeps him going. 938 00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,280 Would you like to see some pretty pictures of Melody? 939 00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,040 Goodness. 940 00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,320 - Well, all right. - Okay. 941 00:51:36,240 --> 00:51:38,800 Look, here they are. Look at these. 942 00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:42,560 Right there, that's where she is Miss Natchez. 943 00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:46,360 - Wow. - Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo. 944 00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:50,320 Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's so beautiful. I love her! I love her! 945 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:52,040 - Very lovely. - I was so proud of her. 946 00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:53,600 These pictures are kind of interesting. 947 00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:55,240 I know! She's just gorgeous! 948 00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:57,560 And she has this... She's just my little sweet pea. 949 00:51:57,640 --> 00:51:59,760 I mean the photos. Did you take them? 950 00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:03,120 - Yes. Yes. - And this? 951 00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:08,360 That's our house. Well, it was. Is there more wine? 952 00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:10,080 Yeah. You took all these? 953 00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,400 Yes, with my little old Kodak. 954 00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:17,600 These are outstanding. I mean, there's such a sense of texture and composition. 955 00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,400 In these? No. 956 00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:21,200 No, I mean it. I know what I'm talking about. 957 00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:24,280 I occasionally write about the aesthetics of photography. 958 00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:26,560 Oh, my God. I have to tell you something. 959 00:52:26,640 --> 00:52:29,920 Aside from Melody's career, there is nothing, nothing in the whole world 960 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:32,520 that gave me more pleasure than taking those snapshots. 961 00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:36,680 Of course, John... Cheers. John hated them and didn't want me to do it. 962 00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:38,480 - Why? - Well, 963 00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,600 he actually was fine, and then I set up this darkroom 964 00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:45,440 and he thought I was, like, squandering all this time on silliness 965 00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:47,080 and I guess he had a point, but... 966 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,320 I mean, nowadays, who uses a Kodak anymore? 967 00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:53,160 It's a little Kodak, and I have to tell you something, it is... 968 00:52:53,240 --> 00:52:55,440 It is so simple to use. It's tiny! 969 00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:57,200 I picked it up at, like, a garage sale 970 00:52:57,280 --> 00:53:00,800 and it just is so much better than those big foreign ones. 971 00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:05,160 No, they're pretty good. They've got a real haunting quality. They're very primitive. 972 00:53:05,240 --> 00:53:08,160 I really think you should talk to my friend Al Morgenstern. 973 00:53:08,240 --> 00:53:09,600 He runs a photography gallery. 974 00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,960 - Why? - Have you got more of these? 975 00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:16,240 Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all my travels with the pageants. 976 00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:20,920 I have the kids and the towns and the winners. And the losers! 977 00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:24,040 The losers are the best. And then I have all these show folk, 978 00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,400 the twirlers, the magicians, the fire eaters, you know, things like that. 979 00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:29,760 They're amazing. They've got such an original quality. 980 00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:31,480 I'll talk to Al first thing in the morning. 981 00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:34,280 Oh, no. You know, I think you're making too much 982 00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:36,800 over a little gift the good Lord Jesus gave me. 983 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,160 That's not the only gift He gave you. 984 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:47,120 You know those clean-cut, churchgoing young men, who are model kids, 985 00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:50,440 and good to their neighbors and quote the Bible, 986 00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:54,040 and never do a wrong thing, and then one day, 987 00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:55,840 for whatever reason, 988 00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:59,680 they grab a rifle, go to a tower and pick off everyone in town? 989 00:54:00,240 --> 00:54:02,680 Okay, this is her, but sexually. 990 00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:04,600 She slept with Leo Brockman, 991 00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,840 never having been to bed with anyone before but her husband, 992 00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:10,840 and suddenly, the genie was out of the bottle! 993 00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:14,600 She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she liked sleeping with Brockman's friends, 994 00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:18,240 Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's acquaintances' acquaintances. 995 00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:22,240 Brockman took her photos to Morgenstern. He loved them. 996 00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:24,360 He decided to show them in his gallery. 997 00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:27,840 When he did, everyone thought they were great. A brilliant primitive. 998 00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:30,880 Soon Morgenstern would become smitten with her. 999 00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:34,720 First she moved in with Brockman. Then she moved in with Morgenstern. 1000 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:37,440 Then she moved in with Brockman and Morgenstern. 1001 00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:39,760 She started dabbling with collages. 1002 00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:42,920 Small ones at first, but they would become bolder. 1003 00:54:44,040 --> 00:54:45,720 She started dressing differently. 1004 00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:50,520 Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went right down the toilet, where they belonged. 1005 00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:55,040 She experimented with exotic pleasures. A new Marietta was born. 1006 00:54:56,080 --> 00:55:00,040 The one thing that remained constant, she hated her son-in-law. 1007 00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:03,920 - Well, there's some pictures over there. - Yes, maybe that. Okay. 1008 00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:08,160 - What do you think, Mom? - I'm not sure, you know, it's for this collage, 1009 00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:12,920 and I've had this vision in black and white of nude men, women, 1010 00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:15,280 body parts, squares. 1011 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,480 That sounds confusing. 1012 00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:20,520 - Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah. - To lust. 1013 00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,280 Excuse me. 1014 00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,560 Hi, I need a female opinion. 1015 00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:38,320 Which of these two would a young woman prefer? I can't decide. 1016 00:55:39,800 --> 00:55:42,360 I don't know. They're both so beautiful. 1017 00:55:42,480 --> 00:55:44,960 It depends. What type is she? 1018 00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:48,640 Well, she's quite young and very lovely-looking. 1019 00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,760 Blonde hair. Blue eyes. 1020 00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:52,960 Yeah, but what's she like? 1021 00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:57,600 Well, okay. She's from the South, although she lives here in New York now. 1022 00:55:57,680 --> 00:55:59,120 - Really? - Yeah. 1023 00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:01,760 And she's a nanny. I mean, well, to tell you the truth, 1024 00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:03,240 she's actually living with some man. 1025 00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:06,720 I mean, they're married, although he's not the best she can do. 1026 00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:08,520 And she thinks she loves him, but it's only because 1027 00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:11,240 she mistakes his pessimistic despair for wisdom, 1028 00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:12,920 believing he's a genius. 1029 00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:20,600 I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than a wife, because he's much older than she is. 1030 00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:25,000 That sounds so familiar. 1031 00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:28,320 I just can't... I can't put my finger on it. 1032 00:56:28,720 --> 00:56:31,880 - It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah. - It is? 1033 00:56:32,400 --> 00:56:36,240 I mean, not exactly, but I can't help but seeing some similarities. 1034 00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:39,280 - I'd say that one. - Okay. 1035 00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:50,920 Here. 1036 00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:54,960 - Here what? For me? - It's for you. 1037 00:56:55,440 --> 00:56:58,320 Yes, I thought I'd buy you something lovely. 1038 00:56:58,640 --> 00:57:01,760 Oh, no, I can't accept a gift from a stranger. 1039 00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:03,880 - Well, why not? - I'm married. 1040 00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:06,000 Yes, but it may not last forever. 1041 00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:09,800 Well, you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even 1042 00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:13,600 Shakespeare or Michelangelo 1043 00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,440 or Greek people. 1044 00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:18,280 I mean, even as we're standing here talking right now, 1045 00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:21,640 we're just flying apart at an unimaginable speed. 1046 00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:24,880 - Gee, I never thought of it that way. - Yeah. 1047 00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:29,360 Should we be holding each other so we don't fall? 1048 00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:34,960 Well, you have to hold onto whatever love you can in this cruel existence. 1049 00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:36,600 Speaking of love, 1050 00:57:36,880 --> 00:57:39,680 I've been in love with you ever since that first moment I saw you, 1051 00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,840 and met your mother at the Mogador Cafe many months ago. 1052 00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:47,760 Oh, you're... You're... 1053 00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:50,000 - Did my mother... - Randy James. 1054 00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:53,920 Oh, the actor! Of course. I can hear your accent now. 1055 00:57:54,360 --> 00:57:56,120 Oh, my mother talks about you all the time, 1056 00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:57,760 and she's always telling me I have to meet you 1057 00:57:57,840 --> 00:57:59,480 and I'm saying, "Why? Why do I have to meet him?" 1058 00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:01,800 "But he's so good-looking!" And, yeah, you are. 1059 00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,960 Thank you. I've moved to New York permanently now 1060 00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,240 and I live in a houseboat with a friend of mine. 1061 00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,560 - You live on a boat? - Yes, I do. 1062 00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:11,600 I'm very romantic by nature, so I live on a boat 1063 00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:14,560 and I read and think and play my flute... 1064 00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:16,880 - Mom? - Oh, be still, Melody. 1065 00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:21,440 There's nothing wrong with expanding your horizons. I certainly expanded mine. 1066 00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:24,160 You know what? I'm really sorry, but... 1067 00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:26,560 I think that my mother badly gave you the wrong impression, 1068 00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:28,120 because I'm happily married. 1069 00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:32,720 No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not, Randy. She's nursemaid to a roach. He is. 1070 00:58:33,640 --> 00:58:36,080 Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James. 1071 00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:40,800 I told you you'd get the hang of it. 1072 00:58:40,880 --> 00:58:43,040 Okay, you know what? Let's just stop. Let's stop. 1073 00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:45,400 - Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop. - Stop? 1074 00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:48,880 - Yeah. I need to sit for a minute. - All right. 1075 00:58:49,520 --> 00:58:52,520 You know, I'm just doing it for the aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic. 1076 00:58:52,600 --> 00:58:53,920 I think it's relaxing. 1077 00:58:54,000 --> 00:58:57,520 Relaxing? What? Are you kidding? It's too nerve-wracking. 1078 00:58:57,600 --> 00:59:01,920 To mingle with all those sub-mentals on bicycles? It's like driving a car. 1079 00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:05,400 Those hostile, belligerent morons all get driver's licenses. 1080 00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:09,600 Of course, to have children, you don't need a license. No proof of anything. 1081 00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:12,600 You need a license to fish. You need a license to be a barber. 1082 00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:14,440 You need a license to sell hot dogs. 1083 00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:17,080 You know, you read about these poor kids, beaten and starved, 1084 00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:19,200 you wonder, why are these parents allowed to even have them? 1085 00:59:19,280 --> 00:59:20,760 Okay, Boris, Boris. 1086 00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:25,520 You know, sometimes I think you're so determined not to enjoy anything in life, 1087 00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:26,960 just out of spite. 1088 00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:28,920 You know, like a child who's throwing a tantrum, 1089 00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:30,760 because he can't have his own way. 1090 00:59:30,840 --> 00:59:32,720 Wow! Listen to you! 1091 00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:37,920 That's a reasonably wise insight for a simple-minded type like yourself. 1092 00:59:38,000 --> 00:59:42,320 Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and delight me sometimes, you know that? 1093 00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:47,280 I really don't know what I'd do without you, seriously. 1094 00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:49,600 What are you doing with that? 1095 00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:54,120 This? Nothing. I just got it at the flea market. 1096 00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:57,960 - Who needs an antique handkerchief? - I thought it was pretty. 1097 00:59:58,040 --> 01:00:01,800 Yeah, but God knows throughout history who blew his nose in it. 1098 01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:05,600 - Marietta? Honey? - Yes, darling? 1099 01:00:05,680 --> 01:00:08,360 I think you should include these photos at your opening next week. 1100 01:00:08,440 --> 01:00:11,120 - I love those photos. Al, what do you think? - I chose those. 1101 01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:12,160 - Oh, you did? - Absolutely. 1102 01:00:12,240 --> 01:00:13,520 - Sweetheart, you've managed to make... - Thank you. 1103 01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:15,320 ...an existential statement about 1104 01:00:15,400 --> 01:00:17,520 - sexual perversity and human freedom. - Who? Yes. 1105 01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:19,360 - It's so full of erotic imagination. - Okay, hold on a sec. 1106 01:00:19,440 --> 01:00:21,560 - Oh, thank you so much! Thank you! - Marietta? 1107 01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:25,360 - Who is it? - Somebody named Randy Jones? 1108 01:00:25,800 --> 01:00:27,480 Oh, Randy, Randy James. 1109 01:00:27,560 --> 01:00:29,480 Hello? Hello? Hey! 1110 01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:31,920 Young man, hello, hello! 1111 01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:35,520 Listen, she's going to be at Uniqlo at around 3:00. 1112 01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:38,200 You can run into her and try your luck. 1113 01:00:38,480 --> 01:00:42,240 You know, she saved the handkerchief you gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause. 1114 01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:47,120 And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind her eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling. 1115 01:00:48,280 --> 01:00:51,080 - Who was that? - Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go. 1116 01:00:51,160 --> 01:00:53,440 Who'd have ever thought that gumbo would become my favorite dinner? 1117 01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:55,640 All this and she cooks, too. 1118 01:01:01,600 --> 01:01:03,720 Oh, my God! Hello. 1119 01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:07,840 So I guess you just happened to be shopping here. Right? 1120 01:01:07,920 --> 01:01:10,720 Well, I was buying this shirt, if you must know. 1121 01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,160 You like it? 1122 01:01:12,240 --> 01:01:14,040 - It's okay. - Just okay? 1123 01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:16,280 I thought it'd make me look dashing. 1124 01:01:16,360 --> 01:01:18,200 Looks aren't your problem. 1125 01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:19,520 Oh, no? What is? 1126 01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:20,680 You're too forward. 1127 01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:23,960 - I think about you a lot. - Well, I don't think about you. 1128 01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:28,240 So what's it like being married to a genius? 1129 01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:30,240 Who wants to know? 1130 01:01:30,320 --> 01:01:33,200 I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a boor, I just... 1131 01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:35,520 Just that, well, you know. 1132 01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:37,760 It has its pluses and minuses. 1133 01:01:38,160 --> 01:01:40,720 Yes? And what are the drawbacks? 1134 01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,120 I don't know. I mean... 1135 01:01:43,440 --> 01:01:45,680 Well, naturally, with a very advanced mind, 1136 01:01:45,760 --> 01:01:48,640 you find a lot of things wrong with everything 1137 01:01:49,040 --> 01:01:50,600 and, mainly, he just doesn't like people. 1138 01:01:50,680 --> 01:01:51,960 You know, he says at the rate they're going, 1139 01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:53,600 they're going to make themselves extinct. 1140 01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:54,800 Right. 1141 01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:58,960 It can just be exhausting being around a genius all the time. 1142 01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:02,560 So what are the pluses of being the wife of such a dazzling mind? 1143 01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:05,800 - Well, he's smart. - You said that. 1144 01:02:06,360 --> 01:02:07,760 He's clever. 1145 01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:12,880 He really means well, you know? He's just a little crazy. 1146 01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:18,200 I guess the good part is that I'm the wife of a genius, 1147 01:02:18,280 --> 01:02:20,480 which I never really thought I could swing. 1148 01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:21,680 Why not? 1149 01:02:22,800 --> 01:02:25,560 I guess I thought I'd have to be smarter. 1150 01:02:27,120 --> 01:02:30,520 You want to see my boat? I mean, my friend's boat, where I live? 1151 01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:34,760 - I don't think that's a good idea. - I dreamt about you last night. I... 1152 01:02:35,200 --> 01:02:38,440 Don't use that line. Because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night. 1153 01:02:38,520 --> 01:02:40,280 And I really doubt it's mathematically possible 1154 01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:42,960 for me to be in two dreams at one time. 1155 01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:50,880 It's down there, on the right-hand side. 1156 01:02:53,800 --> 01:02:58,400 Well, this is it. It's not much, but it's home and I don't pay rent, so... 1157 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:01,640 This is kind of sweet, living on the water. 1158 01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,920 It rocks just the tiniest bit, so I sleep like a baby on it. 1159 01:03:06,680 --> 01:03:09,640 Randy, I don't know what I'm doing here! I'm married! 1160 01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:11,680 That doesn't mean I can't have feelings for you. 1161 01:03:11,760 --> 01:03:13,160 You don't really know me. 1162 01:03:13,240 --> 01:03:16,680 Yes, but I'm a romantic and I believe in love at first sight. 1163 01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:19,720 Well, that's true. You know, Boris says that love isn't logical. 1164 01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:23,520 And I adore the way you talk and the funny things you say. 1165 01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:26,640 Where can it lead? 1166 01:03:27,160 --> 01:03:29,240 Let's drink to love at first sight. 1167 01:03:29,360 --> 01:03:32,800 I can't. When I drink, I get very silly and touchy and... 1168 01:03:33,120 --> 01:03:36,320 That's what your mum said. That's why I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum. 1169 01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:38,600 Don't use that locution. It's for inchworms. 1170 01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:39,800 Sorry. 1171 01:03:42,080 --> 01:03:43,800 Is that you in the picture? 1172 01:03:44,240 --> 01:03:46,960 Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock 1173 01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:49,280 I bet you're a really good actor. 1174 01:03:49,360 --> 01:03:51,960 I try. Although I'll never be a genius. 1175 01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:56,000 You certainly are handsome enough to be a star. 1176 01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:58,800 Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment. 1177 01:04:04,280 --> 01:04:06,680 - Oh, my God. - What are you thinking? 1178 01:04:07,040 --> 01:04:09,600 - Entropy. - Entropy? 1179 01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:12,200 Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it. 1180 01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:15,560 It's why you can't get the toothpaste back in the tube. 1181 01:04:15,640 --> 01:04:16,880 You mean, 1182 01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:22,400 once something happens, it's difficult to put it back the way it was? 1183 01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:25,680 I mean, Boris says love is all about luck. 1184 01:04:25,760 --> 01:04:28,280 I think so, too, but isn't that just because 1185 01:04:28,360 --> 01:04:30,120 we're young and we think we're going to live forever 1186 01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:32,600 and then we grow old and get diabetes, and... 1187 01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:33,800 Maybe. 1188 01:04:34,200 --> 01:04:38,040 Look, I do agree there's not much you can be sure of in this world, but... 1189 01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:41,960 Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? 1190 01:04:42,040 --> 01:04:43,680 I've heard of it, yeah. 1191 01:04:43,760 --> 01:04:46,840 You know, the observer influences the experiment? 1192 01:04:48,200 --> 01:04:49,680 It's just like 1193 01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:52,280 when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with 1194 01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:54,400 a certain way when they're alone, 1195 01:04:54,480 --> 01:04:58,320 but when she's in front of the other guy, she does it differently. 1196 01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:00,400 Is that Heisenberg? 1197 01:05:01,200 --> 01:05:03,280 I had no idea he was so sexual. 1198 01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:12,880 Wait. I always carry some Viagra with me. 1199 01:05:13,040 --> 01:05:15,560 That's all right. I eat a lot of red meat. 1200 01:05:33,240 --> 01:05:35,760 I really like the way these pants fit. 1201 01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:43,000 Hey, are you okay? You seem awfully quiet lately. 1202 01:05:43,760 --> 01:05:44,880 Yeah. 1203 01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:48,160 We're going to be late for Mom's gallery opening. 1204 01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:49,760 I hope you're not coming down with anything. 1205 01:05:49,840 --> 01:05:52,640 You know, Brodsky's kid's got the measles. 1206 01:05:52,720 --> 01:05:56,360 Can you still get the measles? I had a shot when I was younger, 1207 01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:58,400 but how long does it last? 1208 01:06:01,240 --> 01:06:02,520 Who's that? 1209 01:06:02,640 --> 01:06:05,200 I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone. 1210 01:06:08,640 --> 01:06:10,120 - Melody! - Daddy! 1211 01:06:10,200 --> 01:06:12,400 Oh, my little girl, I found you! 1212 01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:16,040 Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and searched, but then we ran out of leads. 1213 01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:18,040 I used every connection I had at the police force. 1214 01:06:18,120 --> 01:06:20,200 We even called the FBI! But you're okay. 1215 01:06:20,280 --> 01:06:22,680 Things are going to be fine now. Your ordeal is over. 1216 01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:23,880 What ordeal? 1217 01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:26,320 You were abducted! Tell me if my theory is correct. 1218 01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:28,640 You were chloroformed by polygamous Mormons. 1219 01:06:28,720 --> 01:06:30,080 They took you off to be someone's bride! 1220 01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:33,040 I was not abducted. Didn't anybody read my letters? 1221 01:06:33,120 --> 01:06:36,040 Yeah, but I assumed you were forced to write them at gunpoint. 1222 01:06:36,120 --> 01:06:37,520 - Who's this? - Who are you? 1223 01:06:37,600 --> 01:06:39,840 - This is Boris, my husband. - Boris, your who? 1224 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:42,200 He's my husband. I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff. 1225 01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:43,920 - Who are you? - I'm her husband. 1226 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,960 You want to pass out here or go in the living room? 1227 01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:47,200 Where's your mother? 1228 01:06:47,280 --> 01:06:49,200 What do you care? You cheated on her and then 1229 01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:51,200 dumped her for Mandy Blackburn, of all people! 1230 01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:53,760 I made a terrible mistake, I committed the sin of self-indulgence. 1231 01:06:53,840 --> 01:06:55,560 I've come to beg your mother's forgiveness. 1232 01:06:55,640 --> 01:06:57,920 - You might want to rethink that, Daddy. - I want to see her. 1233 01:06:58,000 --> 01:06:59,840 I see death by culture shock. 1234 01:06:59,920 --> 01:07:02,280 You can tell me, Melody, she has every right to hate me. 1235 01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:03,680 And she does, believe me. 1236 01:07:03,760 --> 01:07:05,400 I can handle the truth. Does she hate me? 1237 01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:08,200 Well, it was a pretty awful thing you did with her best friend. 1238 01:07:08,280 --> 01:07:11,360 - Then she hates me? - Yes, yes, she hates you! I can't stand this. 1239 01:07:11,440 --> 01:07:13,120 I hate you and I just met you! 1240 01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:15,280 Lord, you tell me this creature took you to bed? 1241 01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:18,880 - No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me. - Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex. 1242 01:07:18,960 --> 01:07:21,800 Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine. The absurd choreography, 1243 01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:25,240 like a sewing machine, up and down, up and down, up and down, 1244 01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:26,960 toward what end? Making more children? 1245 01:07:27,040 --> 01:07:28,200 What the hell are you talking about? 1246 01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:31,520 Reproducing the species over and over. Toward what goal? 1247 01:07:31,600 --> 01:07:33,360 Carrying out what moronic design? 1248 01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,640 - What happened to Mandy? - It was a mess, a nightmare. 1249 01:07:35,720 --> 01:07:38,320 Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me. 1250 01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:42,200 Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying at my doorstep? Can you tell me? 1251 01:07:42,280 --> 01:07:44,800 Lord, in Your infinite mercy, I've done wrong. 1252 01:07:44,880 --> 01:07:47,600 - You want to tell him, or should I? - Tell me what? 1253 01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:51,920 Daddy, there's nobody out there! 1254 01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:55,720 Honest. You're praying to no one. 1255 01:07:55,800 --> 01:07:58,920 You're wasting your breath, just like you're gonna be wasting it on Mom. 1256 01:07:59,000 --> 01:08:00,640 What? You're telling me she met another man? 1257 01:08:00,720 --> 01:08:02,640 - Not just a man. - What? 1258 01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:07,280 Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you know, move on with her life and, you know... 1259 01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:09,560 Oh, Lord. What's he like? 1260 01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,000 He's got four arms and two noses. 1261 01:08:12,080 --> 01:08:13,440 You better butt out, stranger! 1262 01:08:13,520 --> 01:08:16,400 Melody will tell you I don't need my shotgun to be a whole passel of trouble. 1263 01:08:16,480 --> 01:08:18,640 Now, I want to see Marietta! 1264 01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:44,240 Now, Dad, try and remember, you haven't seen Mom in a year. 1265 01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:47,360 A year is not forever. How much can a person change? 1266 01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:50,040 And with that, they entered the gallery. 1267 01:09:01,480 --> 01:09:03,440 I had more people than I knew what to do with. 1268 01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:08,200 Everybody said, "I'll be naked with you, Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay. " 1269 01:09:09,120 --> 01:09:10,480 Oh, my God. 1270 01:09:11,800 --> 01:09:13,080 Marietta? 1271 01:09:13,160 --> 01:09:17,440 John Celestine! Look what the cat dragged in. 1272 01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:19,240 - Marietta, what happened to you? - Oh, my God! 1273 01:09:19,320 --> 01:09:21,160 Well, darling, it's you that absconded. 1274 01:09:21,240 --> 01:09:22,840 - He showed up at the door today. - Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"? 1275 01:09:22,920 --> 01:09:24,600 Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore 1276 01:09:24,680 --> 01:09:26,160 - who called herself my best friend. - Darling, I'll be... 1277 01:09:26,240 --> 01:09:27,840 I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me. 1278 01:09:27,920 --> 01:09:31,200 It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a terrible mistake. I've come back for you. 1279 01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:32,960 Well, honey, I'm in the middle of my opening. 1280 01:09:33,040 --> 01:09:35,960 Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's exhibition. Isn't it great? 1281 01:09:36,040 --> 01:09:38,960 - Exhibition of what? - Well, the collages. 1282 01:09:39,040 --> 01:09:41,400 What? She's thinking of buying this pornography? 1283 01:09:41,480 --> 01:09:43,400 I got news for you, she's the pornographer. 1284 01:09:43,480 --> 01:09:45,480 Marietta, who are you? 1285 01:09:45,560 --> 01:09:47,840 John, you never understood me, honey. 1286 01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:50,040 Your vision never extended beyond the backyard. 1287 01:09:50,120 --> 01:09:52,480 You always had your gun clubs and your fishing trips and football. 1288 01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:55,280 You never took a little minute to find out about me. 1289 01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:57,120 And you were always too busy putting her in pageants 1290 01:09:57,200 --> 01:09:59,520 and coaching her speeches and teaching her baton twirling! 1291 01:09:59,600 --> 01:10:02,520 Yes, yes, that's true. I was sublimating my own creative needs 1292 01:10:02,600 --> 01:10:04,000 and forcing them on our daughter. 1293 01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:06,080 - You were what? - Yes, she was sublimating. 1294 01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:07,200 Sublimating. 1295 01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:09,440 Honey, why don't you go on back to Mandy Blackburn? 1296 01:10:09,520 --> 01:10:11,680 Her pygmy mentality is much closer to you now. 1297 01:10:11,760 --> 01:10:13,960 - Much closer. - Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her. 1298 01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,880 - Oh, why not? - She cast aspersions on my manhood. 1299 01:10:16,960 --> 01:10:20,160 What are we talking? Size? Duration? Erectile dysfunction? 1300 01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:21,920 Would you mind your own business? 1301 01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:26,560 Marietta, how could you forsake your own family? I want us all back home to start over. 1302 01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:28,720 I'm a different woman, John. 1303 01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:32,000 I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean... 1304 01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:34,720 Your clothes are different, your speech is a little more affected, 1305 01:10:34,800 --> 01:10:36,640 but deep down, I know you're the same 1306 01:10:36,720 --> 01:10:40,000 pretty, small-town, God-fearing, churchgoing, pie-baking... 1307 01:10:40,080 --> 01:10:41,520 I'm living with two guys. 1308 01:10:41,600 --> 01:10:43,520 ...Girl Scout mom. You're what? 1309 01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:47,440 I'm an artist. I don't bake pies. I don't go to church. 1310 01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:50,720 I do collages, sculpture, photography. 1311 01:10:50,800 --> 01:10:54,080 I live in Manhattan with two men who I love 1312 01:10:54,160 --> 01:10:56,480 in a very happy menage a trois. 1313 01:10:57,200 --> 01:10:59,360 - A what? - We all sleep together. 1314 01:10:59,440 --> 01:11:01,160 A menage a trois. 1315 01:11:02,440 --> 01:11:05,240 I knew we should never trust the goddamn French. 1316 01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:07,560 It's amazing, Melody. 1317 01:11:07,640 --> 01:11:11,520 Thousands of years ago, ancient peoples, Egyptians, Romans, Mayans, 1318 01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:13,760 were walking home, just like us, 1319 01:11:14,600 --> 01:11:17,600 discussing where should they eat or making small talk. 1320 01:11:17,680 --> 01:11:20,640 "Hey, we just bought a great house on the Nile with a yard, 1321 01:11:20,720 --> 01:11:22,440 "overlooking the Pharaoh's new pyramid. " 1322 01:11:22,520 --> 01:11:25,280 - Boris... - Or, "My physician says 1323 01:11:25,360 --> 01:11:28,000 - "peacock tongues are bad for your heart. " - Boris... 1324 01:11:28,080 --> 01:11:33,160 Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid into a really good Aztec preschool. " 1325 01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:35,840 What the hell does it all mean now? Zilch. 1326 01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:37,280 But they thought it was important. 1327 01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:38,880 Boris, can I talk to you for a minute? 1328 01:11:38,960 --> 01:11:41,600 And I was raised in a religious home. 1329 01:11:41,680 --> 01:11:45,680 Job's wife was my favorite character in the Bible, because she chose death 1330 01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:49,800 rather than obsequious acceptance, like that masochist she married. 1331 01:11:53,440 --> 01:11:55,800 Boris, Boris, can we sit down for a second? 1332 01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:56,960 Well, but we have to go home. 1333 01:11:57,040 --> 01:11:59,280 I know, but come here. I have to say something. 1334 01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:01,120 But we always go home now. 1335 01:12:01,200 --> 01:12:03,360 I know. I know. I know we have a standard routine. 1336 01:12:03,440 --> 01:12:06,600 I need to have my drink, and a shower. 1337 01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:08,720 And, you know, you see it as routine, 1338 01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:11,760 but for me the consistency helps keep me from becoming unnerved. 1339 01:12:11,840 --> 01:12:13,960 I know you require a certain ritual. 1340 01:12:14,040 --> 01:12:17,160 And then after the shower, our dinner, but not crawfish pie again. 1341 01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:20,800 I got indigestion from it last time. I thought I had thyroid cancer. 1342 01:12:20,880 --> 01:12:23,920 Boris, I met someone else. I've fallen in love. 1343 01:12:24,160 --> 01:12:28,560 And then some Beethoven, maybe some Schubert for a change, but, you know... 1344 01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:31,280 You met someone else? 1345 01:12:32,120 --> 01:12:36,280 I'm not saying I don't have very deep feelings for you. I do. 1346 01:12:39,120 --> 01:12:40,720 You met someone else? 1347 01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:42,800 Yes. 1348 01:12:43,760 --> 01:12:47,200 And you want us to live in a threesome, like your mother? 1349 01:12:47,600 --> 01:12:50,400 Boris, when you found me, I was very young. 1350 01:12:52,400 --> 01:12:54,080 You're still very young. 1351 01:12:54,160 --> 01:12:56,480 Yes, but I've grown. 1352 01:12:56,560 --> 01:12:59,440 I've grown so much. And mainly because of you. 1353 01:13:01,080 --> 01:13:05,320 Yes, it's true. I have been very patient with your phenomenal ignorance. 1354 01:13:07,280 --> 01:13:09,920 You can always count on me for anything. 1355 01:13:12,240 --> 01:13:13,360 I just... 1356 01:13:13,880 --> 01:13:17,320 I guess I'm at a very impressionable age, and I... 1357 01:13:18,560 --> 01:13:21,280 I can't think of a way to say this well. 1358 01:13:23,240 --> 01:13:26,040 - You don't have to say it well. - I want to. 1359 01:13:26,120 --> 01:13:28,760 I completely understand. I do. 1360 01:13:29,400 --> 01:13:32,160 This does not run counter to my convictions that 1361 01:13:32,240 --> 01:13:35,640 love relationships are almost invariably transient. 1362 01:13:37,520 --> 01:13:40,240 I don't really think that's true if they're right. 1363 01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:44,880 Really? You have your own ideas? 1364 01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:49,360 Just a couple. You know, they're not very deep, but... 1365 01:13:50,160 --> 01:13:54,760 As cruel as life is, I miss participating in the world. 1366 01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:59,600 And I even miss people, even the inchworms and the cretins, 1367 01:13:59,680 --> 01:14:03,840 because I don't really think they're bad, I think they're just scared. 1368 01:14:06,000 --> 01:14:08,440 I think you're making the correct decision. 1369 01:14:08,520 --> 01:14:10,200 - Boris... - I mean it. 1370 01:14:13,440 --> 01:14:16,840 I'm a profound and sensitive soul with an enormous grasp 1371 01:14:17,360 --> 01:14:19,120 of the human condition. 1372 01:14:19,920 --> 01:14:22,000 It was inevitable you would 1373 01:14:22,080 --> 01:14:25,360 eventually grow tired of being so grossly overmatched. 1374 01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:31,360 Greatness isn't easy to live with, even by someone of normal intelligence. 1375 01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:37,280 You're upset. I don't expect you to understand. How could you? 1376 01:14:40,120 --> 01:14:41,440 Believe me, 1377 01:14:42,680 --> 01:14:45,200 if I can understand quantum mechanics, 1378 01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:48,600 I can certainly comprehend the thought process 1379 01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:51,960 of a sub-mental baton twirler. 1380 01:14:52,880 --> 01:14:55,160 - Boris... - It's okay. 1381 01:14:57,320 --> 01:15:00,040 I knew this day would come. I really did. 1382 01:15:00,960 --> 01:15:03,920 The universe is winding down. Why shouldn't we? 1383 01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:10,160 Again! 1384 01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:12,560 I'll have another, too. 1385 01:15:15,280 --> 01:15:17,600 She left me. Can you believe it? 1386 01:15:18,760 --> 01:15:21,800 What am I talking about? I left her. She's alone. 1387 01:15:22,080 --> 01:15:25,680 Now, no matter which way she turns in bed, she's got a husband. 1388 01:15:27,200 --> 01:15:28,960 My wife left me, too. 1389 01:15:29,640 --> 01:15:32,440 I'm sure she was beautiful, just like my wife. 1390 01:15:33,760 --> 01:15:34,920 Norman? 1391 01:15:36,280 --> 01:15:38,040 Norman was gorgeous. 1392 01:15:41,040 --> 01:15:44,160 He was the greatest runway model Versace ever had. 1393 01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:46,400 I thought you said your wife. 1394 01:15:47,360 --> 01:15:49,120 We were married in Holland. 1395 01:15:51,680 --> 01:15:53,480 You married a guy? 1396 01:15:54,320 --> 01:15:55,600 What else? 1397 01:15:56,280 --> 01:15:58,240 But that would make you... 1398 01:15:58,320 --> 01:16:02,040 What? A widow? Norman didn't die. 1399 01:16:02,960 --> 01:16:04,520 Not a widow, a... 1400 01:16:06,200 --> 01:16:08,480 - Gay? - A member of the... 1401 01:16:10,160 --> 01:16:11,480 Of what? 1402 01:16:12,040 --> 01:16:14,000 The homosexual persuasion. 1403 01:16:14,560 --> 01:16:15,760 My God. 1404 01:16:16,760 --> 01:16:18,840 You make it sound like a religion. 1405 01:16:19,120 --> 01:16:22,800 Yes. If it's a religion, you could call me devout. A fanatic. 1406 01:16:23,800 --> 01:16:26,480 But that's a sin against God's law. 1407 01:16:27,560 --> 01:16:28,880 God is gay. 1408 01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:32,120 He can't be. He made the whole universe perfect. 1409 01:16:32,200 --> 01:16:36,040 The oceans, the skies, the beautiful flowers, the trees everywhere. 1410 01:16:36,760 --> 01:16:38,680 That's right. He's a decorator. 1411 01:16:38,960 --> 01:16:42,200 But what do you miss about him? I still don't get it. 1412 01:16:42,960 --> 01:16:44,200 Everything. 1413 01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:46,280 His face. 1414 01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:49,200 His kindness, his sense of humor. 1415 01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:51,560 Our mutual passion. 1416 01:16:52,120 --> 01:16:55,400 The way we'd dance and he'd dip me back and kiss me. 1417 01:16:56,240 --> 01:16:57,400 Jesus. 1418 01:16:58,360 --> 01:17:00,920 Why did he leave you? She leave you. Norman. 1419 01:17:01,400 --> 01:17:05,040 He wants to live in Paris, and I can't leave my sick mother. 1420 01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:09,160 Is your mother a woman? 1421 01:17:11,040 --> 01:17:13,600 She used to look like Marlene Dietrich. 1422 01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:17,280 What's the difference? They all hurt you in the end, every woman, 1423 01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:19,440 whether they're male or female. 1424 01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,000 Why did yours leave you? 1425 01:17:23,000 --> 01:17:27,000 I left her for her best friend, but it didn't work out. 1426 01:17:27,800 --> 01:17:29,080 Why not? 1427 01:17:31,320 --> 01:17:33,560 Can I be perfectly frank with you? 1428 01:17:33,640 --> 01:17:35,400 I don't shock easily. 1429 01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:38,320 I couldn't make love to her. 1430 01:17:39,920 --> 01:17:41,160 Why not? 1431 01:17:41,480 --> 01:17:46,040 It was fine at first, but then I lost interest. I wanted Marietta back. 1432 01:17:46,120 --> 01:17:47,800 Which is funny, because in the last years, 1433 01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:51,360 I really didn't have a lot of sexual interest in Marietta. 1434 01:17:51,440 --> 01:17:55,280 That happens with you heteros. We always have interest. 1435 01:17:59,160 --> 01:18:00,560 Christ, if I'm going to be honest, 1436 01:18:00,640 --> 01:18:04,880 you know, I never, ever really had a burning sexual desire for Marietta. 1437 01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:08,280 Why'd you marry her? 1438 01:18:09,840 --> 01:18:14,640 It was the thing to do. Everybody where I lived, you had a wife and children and... 1439 01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,920 Can I really level with you? 1440 01:18:20,240 --> 01:18:21,200 Of course. 1441 01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:22,920 John. John Celestine. 1442 01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:27,360 Of course, John. I'm Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky. 1443 01:18:29,080 --> 01:18:31,800 I married Marietta, because I was afraid. 1444 01:18:33,280 --> 01:18:34,560 Of what? 1445 01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:38,240 The way I felt towards the tight end on the football team. 1446 01:18:38,320 --> 01:18:39,480 No. 1447 01:18:39,560 --> 01:18:42,960 Every time he got in the line of scrimmage and bent over. 1448 01:18:43,960 --> 01:18:46,880 Bartender, another round for my friend and me, please. 1449 01:19:29,560 --> 01:19:31,720 Can you believe I blew it twice? 1450 01:19:32,360 --> 01:19:35,920 I jumped out the window and landed on a woman walking her dog. 1451 01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:38,640 She got hurt. I got off scot-free. 1452 01:19:39,760 --> 01:19:44,200 Don't you realize the consequences of your actions impact on other people? 1453 01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:47,400 - Oh, come on. Seriously. - No. What if you had committed suicide? 1454 01:19:47,480 --> 01:19:49,520 Think, think if you didn't exist, how the world 1455 01:19:49,600 --> 01:19:51,680 would suddenly change in ways you can't imagine. 1456 01:19:51,760 --> 01:19:52,800 Oh, my God. You know what? 1457 01:19:52,880 --> 01:19:56,160 You sound like that movie they ram down your throat every Christmas. 1458 01:19:56,240 --> 01:19:58,200 - What? - What if the guardian angel 1459 01:19:58,280 --> 01:19:59,680 had saved Jimmy Stewart, 1460 01:19:59,760 --> 01:20:02,280 and Jimmy Stewart was the guy who smoked in bed, 1461 01:20:02,360 --> 01:20:06,800 and he lived and caused a fire that killed 60 people? So? 1462 01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:10,640 How about that? Everybody's life is still worth saving? 1463 01:20:10,920 --> 01:20:12,960 Even if it's Christmas? Come on, seriously. 1464 01:20:13,040 --> 01:20:15,920 You must have a very dim view of the human race. 1465 01:20:16,000 --> 01:20:20,800 Oh, the human race. They've had to install automatic toilets in public restrooms, 1466 01:20:20,880 --> 01:20:23,600 because people can't be entrusted to flush a toilet. 1467 01:20:23,680 --> 01:20:26,800 Come on, flushing a toilet! They can't even flush a toilet! 1468 01:20:27,920 --> 01:20:29,360 Visiting time is over. 1469 01:20:29,440 --> 01:20:32,240 - What? You're kicking me out? - Yeah. 1470 01:20:32,320 --> 01:20:34,800 - Seriously? - Yeah. Absolutely. 1471 01:20:36,000 --> 01:20:40,240 All right, listen. Honestly, I'm really sorry about all this 1472 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:44,040 and is there anything I can do to make this up to you? 1473 01:20:44,120 --> 01:20:46,760 Can I get you something? What can I do? 1474 01:20:48,080 --> 01:20:51,160 If I can ever walk again, you can buy me dinner. 1475 01:20:51,240 --> 01:20:52,920 What do you do, Helena? 1476 01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:54,600 Me? I'm a psychic. 1477 01:20:57,320 --> 01:20:59,240 I'm sorry. Really? 1478 01:20:59,680 --> 01:21:03,360 I was born with a very rare gift. I can see into the future. 1479 01:21:03,440 --> 01:21:05,160 If you can see into the future, how come you didn't know 1480 01:21:05,240 --> 01:21:08,240 I was gonna jump out a building and land on top of you? 1481 01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:11,160 Maybe I did. 1482 01:21:24,600 --> 01:21:26,440 Happy New Year to you. 1483 01:21:31,480 --> 01:21:33,920 We're so excited. Howard is selling the gym, 1484 01:21:34,000 --> 01:21:36,400 But we're going to open up an antique shop in Chelsea. 1485 01:21:36,480 --> 01:21:39,760 Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have a wonderful collection of movie posters. 1486 01:21:39,840 --> 01:21:43,160 Can you believe this cracker? This red state Neanderthal? 1487 01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:46,080 This mindless zombie of the National Rifle Association? 1488 01:21:46,160 --> 01:21:49,920 My shrink says that the guns were all a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy. 1489 01:21:50,000 --> 01:21:54,840 Yeah, if it weren't for sexual inadequacy, the National Rifle Association would go broke. 1490 01:21:54,920 --> 01:21:57,520 He's moved in with Howard Cummings, nee Kaminsky. 1491 01:21:57,600 --> 01:22:01,360 And not only is he sleeping with a man, soon he'll be celebrating Purim. 1492 01:22:01,440 --> 01:22:05,280 More important, for the first time in his adult life, he's happy. 1493 01:22:06,000 --> 01:22:10,120 I should have known why I was failing you, Marietta, not fulfilling your womanly needs. 1494 01:22:10,200 --> 01:22:12,800 Which turned out to be quite considerable. 1495 01:22:12,880 --> 01:22:16,160 Mine, too, but not with the sex I'd been raised to be attracted to. 1496 01:22:16,240 --> 01:22:20,240 You're like a changed man, John. Your whole personality is sunnier. 1497 01:22:20,640 --> 01:22:22,200 If only it had been that way. 1498 01:22:22,280 --> 01:22:26,560 I couldn't when I was making love to you. I was a square peg in a round hole, 1499 01:22:26,640 --> 01:22:28,320 you should pardon the metaphor. 1500 01:22:28,400 --> 01:22:31,680 Well, I just hope you two lucked out and found the right person in each other. 1501 01:22:31,760 --> 01:22:33,440 I know I lucked out. 1502 01:22:33,640 --> 01:22:35,440 What about you, Boris? 1503 01:22:35,680 --> 01:22:38,880 As you would say in the crude fashion of your generation, 1504 01:22:39,840 --> 01:22:41,600 I totally lucked out. 1505 01:22:42,240 --> 01:22:46,880 It just shows what meaningless blind chance the universe is. 1506 01:22:47,520 --> 01:22:50,800 Everybody schemes and dreams to meet the right person, 1507 01:22:51,120 --> 01:22:55,480 and I jump out a window and land on her. And a psychic yet! 1508 01:22:55,720 --> 01:22:58,480 I mean, come on, talk about the irrational heart, 1509 01:22:58,560 --> 01:23:01,320 not to mention I've developed a fondness for grits. 1510 01:23:01,920 --> 01:23:05,200 I have a question, am I a member of my generation? 1511 01:23:05,600 --> 01:23:08,120 Yes. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you. 1512 01:23:08,200 --> 01:23:10,880 Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on! The ball's about to drop! 1513 01:23:10,960 --> 01:23:12,080 Come on! 1514 01:23:12,160 --> 01:23:13,280 Ten, 1515 01:23:13,640 --> 01:23:14,720 nine, 1516 01:23:14,800 --> 01:23:16,960 eight, seven, 1517 01:23:17,400 --> 01:23:19,520 six, five, 1518 01:23:19,760 --> 01:23:21,840 four, three, 1519 01:23:22,200 --> 01:23:24,160 two, one! 1520 01:23:24,240 --> 01:23:25,720 Happy New Year! 1521 01:23:40,880 --> 01:23:43,280 I happen to hate New Year's celebrations. 1522 01:23:43,600 --> 01:23:45,920 Everybody desperate to have fun. 1523 01:23:46,000 --> 01:23:48,800 Trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way. 1524 01:23:48,880 --> 01:23:51,640 Celebrate what? A step closer to the grave? 1525 01:23:53,200 --> 01:23:57,480 That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, 1526 01:23:57,920 --> 01:24:01,200 whatever happiness you can filch or provide, 1527 01:24:01,920 --> 01:24:05,960 every temporary measure of grace, whatever works. 1528 01:24:06,640 --> 01:24:11,040 And don't kid yourself, it's by no means all up to your own human ingenuity. 1529 01:24:11,880 --> 01:24:15,240 A bigger part of your existence is luck than you'd like to admit. 1530 01:24:15,320 --> 01:24:18,440 Christ, you know the odds of your father's one sperm 1531 01:24:18,520 --> 01:24:21,920 from the billions, finding the single egg that made you? 1532 01:24:22,800 --> 01:24:25,120 Don't think about it, you'll have a panic attack. 1533 01:24:25,200 --> 01:24:26,880 Boris, what are you doing? Who you talking to? 1534 01:24:26,960 --> 01:24:29,320 What? There's people out there watching us. 1535 01:24:29,400 --> 01:24:31,920 - They're out there? - Yeah, yeah, they're watching. What? 1536 01:24:32,000 --> 01:24:33,800 - Please, Boris... - You know... 1537 01:24:33,880 --> 01:24:37,000 Well, there was when we started. I don't know how many are left. 1538 01:24:37,080 --> 01:24:38,840 Does anybody see anybody out there? 1539 01:24:38,920 --> 01:24:41,040 - Out there? No! - No! 1540 01:24:41,120 --> 01:24:42,480 - Boris! - No! 1541 01:24:43,760 --> 01:24:46,800 See? I'm the only one who sees the whole picture. 1542 01:24:47,560 --> 01:24:49,800 That's what they mean by genius. 1543 01:24:50,680 --> 01:24:52,920 Come on. Happy New Year, Boris.