1
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Through early morning fog l see
2
00:00:22,133 --> 00:00:25,443
Visions of the things to be
3
00:00:25,533 --> 00:00:29,446
The pains that are withheld for me
4
00:00:29,533 --> 00:00:36,052
l realise and l can see
5
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That suicide is painless
6
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lt brings on many changes
7
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And l can take or leave it if l please
8
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The game of life is hard to play
9
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l'm gonna lose it anyway
10
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The losing card l'll someday lay
11
00:01:04,893 --> 00:01:11,526
So this is all l have to say
12
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Suicide is painless
13
00:01:14,893 --> 00:01:15,928
Suicide
14
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lt brings on many changes
15
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Changes
16
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And l can take or leave it if l please
17
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The sword of time will pierce our skins
18
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lt doesn't hurt when it begins
19
00:01:35,973 --> 00:01:39,568
But as it works its way on in
20
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The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
21
00:01:47,053 --> 00:01:49,613
Suicide is painless
22
00:01:50,413 --> 00:01:53,530
lt brings on many changes
23
00:01:54,493 --> 00:02:02,446
And l can take or leave it if l please
24
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A brave man once requested me
25
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To answer questions that are key
26
00:02:11,053 --> 00:02:14,762
ls it to be or not to be?
27
00:02:14,853 --> 00:02:21,964
And l replied ''Oh, why ask me?''
28
00:02:22,053 --> 00:02:24,647
Suicide is painless
29
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,690
lt brings on many changes
30
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:36,165
And l can take or leave it if l please
31
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:43,442
And you can do the same thing
32
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If you please
33
00:03:00,053 --> 00:03:01,247
- Radar!
- Yes, sir.
34
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,324
- Call Major Burns.
- l'll call Major Burns.
35
00:03:03,413 --> 00:03:06,485
Tell him we need to hold
two surgeons over from the day shift.
36
00:03:06,573 --> 00:03:09,929
- l'll call General Hammond.
- Tell Hammond we need two new surgeons.
37
00:03:10,013 --> 00:03:12,925
l hope he sends us those
two new surgeons. We sure need 'em.
38
00:03:13,013 --> 00:03:15,288
- What, sir?
- l gave everything to Radar.
39
00:03:15,373 --> 00:03:16,772
What?
40
00:04:32,733 --> 00:04:35,884
- What the hell d'you think you're doing?
- What? l'm...
41
00:04:35,973 --> 00:04:38,885
Just because you're a captain,
don't think you run the joint.
42
00:04:38,973 --> 00:04:40,565
l run it.
43
00:04:40,653 --> 00:04:43,326
- l'm supposed to...
- l know what you're supposed to do.
44
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:47,611
Your driver will be with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.
45
00:04:52,613 --> 00:04:55,764
- Racist.
- Attention.
46
00:04:55,853 --> 00:04:59,243
The following men
report to the departure area:
47
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:05,488
Carey, Michael S.
Phelps, Robert A. Colbert.
48
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:09,725
Cleaver, Herschell B.
Roosevelt, Charles B.
49
00:05:09,813 --> 00:05:12,327
- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
50
00:05:14,053 --> 00:05:18,092
Govowska, Theodore G.
Miller...
51
00:05:18,173 --> 00:05:21,563
- 4077th MASH?
- This is the jeep here.
52
00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:24,484
All right.
53
00:05:26,013 --> 00:05:28,004
OK, let's go, boy.
54
00:05:29,933 --> 00:05:31,924
Get my other bag.
55
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,322
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
56
00:05:57,333 --> 00:06:01,042
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!
He just stole my jeep.
57
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:04,645
Hey! Watch what
the hell you're doin', will ya?
58
00:07:00,693 --> 00:07:06,165
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.
Perhaps you would like to take a small repas.
59
00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:09,529
l couldn't eat after that ride you gave me.
You want any of this?
60
00:07:09,613 --> 00:07:11,888
No, thank you, but l could do with my lunch.
61
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:15,409
Well, why don't you come on in
with me and get a sandwich?
62
00:07:15,493 --> 00:07:17,484
l'll follow you anywhere, sir.
63
00:07:24,853 --> 00:07:28,243
Oh! How about that piece of scenety,
Yankee, huh?
64
00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:30,324
Yes, sir.
65
00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:49,411
Who are those men?
Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
66
00:07:49,493 --> 00:07:53,122
- No, sir. First time l've seen them.
- Maybe those are the replacements.
67
00:07:53,213 --> 00:07:57,092
Oh, don't be silly.
We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.
68
00:07:57,173 --> 00:08:02,008
l guess they just got separated from their unit
and are looking for something to eat.
69
00:08:02,093 --> 00:08:05,722
They've got a hell of a nerve
coming in here eating our food.
70
00:08:09,453 --> 00:08:12,968
Pardon me. Would you move over
just a little bit. Thank you. Ooh!
71
00:08:13,053 --> 00:08:14,452
Be careful with that.
72
00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:17,650
- But she's got to use Phisohex...
- l think l'm in love.
73
00:08:17,733 --> 00:08:22,170
..that Phisohex soap on her face.
She really has a bad complexion.
74
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:25,404
- But when she's got a bad complexion...
- She won't use soap.
75
00:08:25,493 --> 00:08:29,202
Well, the truth is, Lieutenant,
l don't have anything to do tonight.
76
00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:34,970
l just got into town and, well, l thought
maybe you could show me around.
77
00:08:35,053 --> 00:08:40,650
Captain, if you'll notice the lieutenant's
beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
78
00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:43,884
l'm the commanding officer
and l'll get to the bottom of this.
79
00:08:43,973 --> 00:08:47,488
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here
because they want to.
80
00:08:51,213 --> 00:08:55,445
- You men just passing through?
- l was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
81
00:08:55,533 --> 00:08:59,685
Captain, you are speaking about
a lieutenant in the United States Army.
82
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,650
l'm Colonel Blake.
83
00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:05,521
Oh, Colonel.
l'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.
84
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:09,083
- That's my driver over here.
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
85
00:09:09,653 --> 00:09:11,052
- Are you leaving?
- Yes.
86
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:13,966
- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
- Captain Hawkeye.
87
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:18,729
Captain Hawkeye Pierce, l had a TWX about
you. Seems you stole ajeep at headquarters.
88
00:09:18,813 --> 00:09:22,089
No, no, sir. No, l didn't steal ajeep.
No, it's right outside.
89
00:09:22,173 --> 00:09:23,845
Oh, so it is.
90
00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:29,963
Captain, when you report to your new duty
station, you go to your commanding officer.
91
00:09:30,053 --> 00:09:32,248
Captain... Pierce, is it?
92
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:37,532
- Captain Pierce and me have been boozing...
- Good. Been working close to the front.
93
00:09:37,613 --> 00:09:42,209
We have slack periods, but when the action
starts you'll get more work in 12 hours...
94
00:09:42,293 --> 00:09:44,568
- How many nurses on the base, sir?
- 17.
95
00:09:44,653 --> 00:09:46,245
- How many on my...
- Four.
96
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:49,405
- ..than a civilian surgeon in a month.
- l'd like her as my nurse.
97
00:09:49,493 --> 00:09:52,246
- lt could be arranged.
- And the young girl, the blonde.
98
00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:56,485
Father Mulcahy. l'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.
99
00:09:56,573 --> 00:09:59,451
This is the Catholic chaplain.
Here's Captain Forrest.
100
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,852
- Dago Red.
- Dago Red!
101
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,164
- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
- Known as Painless Pole.
102
00:10:04,253 --> 00:10:07,563
- Captain Black, our anaesthesiologist.
- l'm the dentist.
103
00:10:07,653 --> 00:10:10,645
- John Black. l'll be passing gas for you.
- Duke? Welcome.
104
00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:14,772
- Captain Bandini here.
- Thank you. How are you?
105
00:10:14,853 --> 00:10:19,085
- lf you boys have any problems, my tent...
- Bandini here. Duke, glad to meet you.
106
00:10:19,173 --> 00:10:22,051
l was saying if you have any problems,
my tent is...
107
00:10:22,133 --> 00:10:25,728
- Radar! Oh.
- l'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.
108
00:10:25,813 --> 00:10:29,123
- You'll stay in Major Burns' tent.
- Take them to Major Burns' tent.
109
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,408
And l'll change the numbers on the jeep.
110
00:10:31,493 --> 00:10:33,529
Oh, and change the numbers on thatjeep.
111
00:10:42,693 --> 00:10:47,687
Corporal O'Reilly, you're not billeting these
enlisted men in the officers' area, are you?
112
00:10:51,013 --> 00:10:53,129
Oh, excuse me.
113
00:10:53,973 --> 00:10:58,364
l'm working for my blind brother
who can't afford the trip to Korea.
114
00:10:58,453 --> 00:11:02,241
- Unhand me, sir.
- Hey, Duke Forrest.
115
00:11:11,573 --> 00:11:13,564
Now, that one's mine.
116
00:11:19,733 --> 00:11:22,088
- Hi, fellas.
- Who? That one?
117
00:11:22,173 --> 00:11:24,403
- Yeah.
- Who told you that?
118
00:11:24,493 --> 00:11:28,008
- How do you know that?
- ''Though l walk through the valley
119
00:11:28,093 --> 00:11:30,926
of the shadow of death,
120
00:11:31,013 --> 00:11:35,131
l will fear no evil: for thoo art with me.''
121
00:11:35,213 --> 00:11:37,204
Thou. Thou art with me.
122
00:11:37,293 --> 00:11:39,284
- Jesus Christ.
- What's that about?
123
00:11:39,373 --> 00:11:41,933
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.
124
00:11:44,893 --> 00:11:47,248
- New personnel, Major.
- Good.
125
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:50,450
- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.
- How do you do?
126
00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:52,808
- Duke Forrest.
- Frank Burns.
127
00:11:52,893 --> 00:11:55,282
- How are you?
- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
128
00:11:57,173 --> 00:12:00,290
''My cup runneth over.''
129
00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:04,810
''Surely goodness and mercy
130
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:07,970
- shall follow...''
- What's this here?
131
00:12:08,053 --> 00:12:11,682
Ho-Jon, one of our mess-hall boys.
l'm teaching him how to read.
132
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:16,483
ls that right?
Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.
133
00:12:16,573 --> 00:12:19,565
Listen, l got a book here
that's got a lot of pictures in it.
134
00:12:19,653 --> 00:12:24,932
l think it's easier to learn how to read
when you look at pictures. A little adventure.
135
00:12:25,013 --> 00:12:27,686
- May l leave now, Major?
- Sure, Ho-Jon.
136
00:12:28,533 --> 00:12:29,932
You have fun.
137
00:12:34,613 --> 00:12:36,604
There it is. Suture, Maty.
138
00:12:38,373 --> 00:12:41,922
- What sutures are these?
- l can't see what the hell l'm doing.
139
00:12:42,013 --> 00:12:45,722
- Scorch, l need some more sponge clamps.
- OK. Just a minute, Les.
140
00:12:45,813 --> 00:12:49,283
Give me some big hunks of sponge,
for ctyin' out loud.
141
00:12:49,373 --> 00:12:53,252
- Also some big sponges. Use these.
- That's bleedin'. That's gotta come out.
142
00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:56,325
l can't stop that bleedin' down there.
143
00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:00,688
- What's so funny?
- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.
144
00:13:00,773 --> 00:13:04,368
- ls that true what l hear about you?
- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.
145
00:13:04,453 --> 00:13:06,364
- Oh, yeah.
- He's cute.
146
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,648
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
147
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:13,165
- Here we go.
- Captain Pierce, did you call me?
148
00:13:13,253 --> 00:13:15,403
No, and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.
149
00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:19,088
l can't really see.
lt's like the Mississippi River down there.
150
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,529
Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.
l think it's gotta come out.
151
00:13:23,173 --> 00:13:25,243
Get in. Get in there.
152
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:28,405
And give me some more
of that gauze wrapped up there.
153
00:13:36,373 --> 00:13:38,762
- Ready?
- l'm ready.
154
00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:41,924
Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
155
00:13:44,853 --> 00:13:48,050
Scratch my nose. Just on the tip.
156
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:50,647
There. A little harder, please.
157
00:13:50,973 --> 00:13:52,725
Attention. Attention.
158
00:13:52,813 --> 00:13:57,284
All noncommissioned... Attention. Attention.
159
00:13:57,373 --> 00:14:01,651
All noncommissioned officers
will report for short-arm inspection at 0400.
160
00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:03,724
That is all.
161
00:14:06,253 --> 00:14:08,813
- What's that?
- That's a martini, Frank.
162
00:14:08,893 --> 00:14:13,569
Finest kind. We're trainin' Ho-Jon to be
a bartender. Would you care to imbibe, sir?
163
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,166
l don't drink.
164
00:14:15,253 --> 00:14:17,323
Jesus Christ, l think he means it.
165
00:14:17,413 --> 00:14:20,371
- l think we've been had, Hawkeye.
- l think you're right.
166
00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:23,968
l don't think it's right to involve a boy
who's not 17 years old yet.
167
00:14:24,053 --> 00:14:26,328
- You go to sleep now?
- Yeah.
168
00:14:26,413 --> 00:14:28,210
- l go wash clothes.
- OK.
169
00:14:28,293 --> 00:14:32,844
You make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon.
You keep it up, you hear?
170
00:14:41,093 --> 00:14:43,607
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
171
00:14:43,693 --> 00:14:46,765
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
172
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:53,167
- You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
- Not with anyone beyond the age of eight.
173
00:14:53,253 --> 00:14:56,768
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
174
00:14:56,853 --> 00:15:01,483
For thine is the kingdom and the power
and the gloty, for ever and ever. Amen.
175
00:15:02,213 --> 00:15:04,204
- Amen.
- Amen.
176
00:15:04,893 --> 00:15:10,251
God, protect our men on the field of battle,
that they may return home to their dear ones.
177
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:14,042
And, dear God, protect
our supreme commander on the field
178
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:16,727
and our commander in chief
in Washington DC.
179
00:15:16,813 --> 00:15:20,488
Frank, were you on this religious kick
at home or did you crack up over here?
180
00:15:20,573 --> 00:15:23,371
Frank, how long does this show go on?
181
00:15:24,213 --> 00:15:29,241
lt gets longer all the time. Now l have
your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.
182
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:33,008
Onward, Christian soldiers
183
00:15:33,093 --> 00:15:36,449
Marching as to war
184
00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:40,242
With the cross of Jesus
185
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:44,167
Going on before
186
00:15:44,253 --> 00:15:48,212
Christ, our royal master
187
00:15:48,293 --> 00:15:52,047
Leads against the foe
188
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:56,012
Forward into battle
189
00:15:56,093 --> 00:15:59,927
See his banners go
190
00:16:00,013 --> 00:16:03,926
Onward, Christian soldiers
191
00:16:04,013 --> 00:16:07,801
Marching as to war
192
00:16:07,893 --> 00:16:11,852
With the cross of Jesus
193
00:16:11,933 --> 00:16:17,929
Going on before
194
00:16:18,013 --> 00:16:19,446
- Yeah?
- What's the line-up?
195
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:24,687
Four waiting for surgety, two for the lV
and two for the antibiotics to take over.
196
00:16:24,773 --> 00:16:28,288
We can probably handle that
if there's no more choppers. Pickup.
197
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,524
Scissors.
198
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:38,128
- You can't go in the colonel's office.
- That's who we're lookin' for.
199
00:16:38,213 --> 00:16:42,047
Henty, you gotta do something.
We have stuck it out for a week. Pretty girl.
200
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:44,363
Yeah, she kinda grows on you.
201
00:16:44,453 --> 00:16:49,208
- What is it, men?
- That sky pilot. Get him out of our tent.
202
00:16:49,293 --> 00:16:51,409
- Your tent?
- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
203
00:16:51,493 --> 00:16:54,212
She won't keep us awake all night praying.
204
00:16:54,293 --> 00:16:59,208
l've been here a long time. l know what you're
ttying to pull, but you won't push me around.
205
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:03,684
Not for the world would l push you around,
but, look, there is one more thing.
206
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:08,369
- We need a chest cutter.
- We need a good one, or there'll be trouble.
207
00:17:08,453 --> 00:17:11,525
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.
We won't get one.
208
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:15,208
Sir, they're behind in the OR
and the pre-op ward is jammed up.
209
00:17:15,293 --> 00:17:18,126
The helicopters and ambulances
are coming in full.
210
00:17:18,213 --> 00:17:20,204
You have to work early today.
211
00:17:20,293 --> 00:17:24,730
And add overtime to a 12-hour day?
The union'll raise Cain with you.
212
00:17:24,813 --> 00:17:29,841
With those hours, you need rest.
You can't get it with Burns jabbering to God.
213
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:31,764
Burns will go in 24 hours.
214
00:17:31,853 --> 00:17:35,084
Tell them Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest are on the way.
215
00:17:35,173 --> 00:17:39,405
- Henty, there's one more thing.
- l told you Major Burns will go in 24 hours.
216
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,484
- The chest cutter.
- No.
217
00:17:42,693 --> 00:17:44,888
l'll tty. You can't ask more than that.
218
00:17:59,373 --> 00:18:02,206
My operation was fine.
lt's the head wound that did him in.
219
00:18:02,293 --> 00:18:05,649
Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.
220
00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:08,327
Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
221
00:18:14,453 --> 00:18:15,932
Dago!
222
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:17,207
Amen.
223
00:18:17,653 --> 00:18:20,486
- Pull it back, Duke.
- Hell, l can't.
224
00:18:20,573 --> 00:18:24,805
- Get hold of the other one.
- Dago, l want you to hold this retractor. Now.
225
00:18:25,413 --> 00:18:28,007
- Please, come on. Now.
- Yes. l'm sorty.
226
00:18:28,093 --> 00:18:30,812
- Hi, Dago.
- Hold on. Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.
227
00:18:30,893 --> 00:18:32,884
Clamp.
228
00:18:33,893 --> 00:18:38,171
Sorty, Dago, but this man's still alive
and that other man is dead, and that's a fact.
229
00:18:38,253 --> 00:18:41,848
Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell, did you see it?
230
00:18:47,653 --> 00:18:50,087
- Where's Hawkeye?
- You mean Captain Pierce?
231
00:18:50,173 --> 00:18:53,609
- No, l'd have to look at the duty roster.
- They're in there.
232
00:18:55,293 --> 00:18:59,286
- Oh, man.
- Hawkeye, you gotta remember, l'm married.
233
00:18:59,373 --> 00:19:02,683
l'm married. l love my wife.
lf she was here, l would be with her.
234
00:19:02,773 --> 00:19:06,971
There is no question of loving anybody.
lt is a question only of helping...
235
00:19:07,053 --> 00:19:09,408
You see, l made a vow to myself
236
00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:13,805
that while l was gone
l was gonna be faithful to my husband.
237
00:19:16,253 --> 00:19:19,211
Those are vows you make
when you're with somebody.
238
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:21,284
Hawkeye?
239
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:26,325
- Ho-Jon?
- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.
240
00:19:26,413 --> 00:19:29,132
- We got new chest cutter in our tent.
- OK.
241
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:37,249
This is Radio Tokyo bringing you
musical interlude for your enjoyment.
242
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:18,092
- That's him.
- Hiya. l'm Hawkeye Pierce.
243
00:20:19,053 --> 00:20:22,932
Yeah. See? All l can get out of him
is he's from ''Bahston''
244
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,208
and he's been in the army two months.
245
00:20:25,293 --> 00:20:27,682
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. And that's all.
246
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:47,653
Well, listen... where were you
when you were drafted?
247
00:20:47,733 --> 00:20:49,963
l was just curious.
248
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,923
Back home. l told you before.
249
00:20:55,013 --> 00:21:00,007
No, l mean, what were you doin'? Were you
like a resident or on staff some place?
250
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,448
Where?
251
00:21:04,533 --> 00:21:06,364
Hospital.
252
00:21:06,453 --> 00:21:08,444
Which hospital?
253
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:10,125
Back home.
254
00:21:10,213 --> 00:21:12,681
Some reason
l shouldn't know which hospital?
255
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:14,764
l don't know. l will ask.
256
00:21:14,853 --> 00:21:18,926
ls there some reason my friend
should not know the name of the hospital?
257
00:21:21,053 --> 00:21:24,932
There doesn't appear to be any reason.
l've seen you somewhere before.
258
00:21:25,013 --> 00:21:28,608
l don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.
259
00:21:28,693 --> 00:21:31,730
Have you always had that moustache?
260
00:21:33,253 --> 00:21:36,609
Are you a beer drinker,
or would you like to share a martini?
261
00:21:36,693 --> 00:21:42,051
- Martini. That would be... l'd love a martini.
- Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.
262
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:46,524
l think you will find these accommodating.
They're quite dty.
263
00:21:48,133 --> 00:21:52,411
- Don't you use olives?
- Olives? Where the hell d'you think you are?
264
00:21:52,493 --> 00:21:56,406
We do have to make concessions to the war.
We're three miles from the front line.
265
00:21:56,493 --> 00:22:01,487
Yes, but a man can't really savour his martini
without an olive, you know.
266
00:22:01,573 --> 00:22:04,451
Otherwise, you see, itjust...
267
00:22:06,173 --> 00:22:08,767
doesn't quite make it.
268
00:22:09,493 --> 00:22:14,851
Attention. The Evangelical United
Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals
269
00:22:14,933 --> 00:22:17,606
to the 4077th MASH unit.
270
00:22:17,693 --> 00:22:23,529
These hymnals are located in the camp libraty
and may be checked out by those with cards.
271
00:22:23,613 --> 00:22:25,092
That is all.
272
00:22:25,173 --> 00:22:29,485
Listen, am l gonna get paid
for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.
273
00:22:32,653 --> 00:22:34,644
Small bones, huh?
274
00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:39,369
- l need a retractor also, nurse.
- Let's get her, baby.
275
00:22:39,453 --> 00:22:41,887
What do you think? Can l tie this for you?
276
00:22:44,053 --> 00:22:46,851
- You need some suction?
- Yeah, that's fine.
277
00:22:47,453 --> 00:22:49,444
Pickups for me, please.
278
00:22:51,053 --> 00:22:53,692
- How's he doing, John?
- He's doing well.
279
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:57,527
- A suture.
- Looks like that's it. Looks like that's it.
280
00:22:59,533 --> 00:23:02,172
What did you do with our thread?
We're all out.
281
00:23:02,253 --> 00:23:04,721
- More thread and larger needles.
- Let me?
282
00:23:04,813 --> 00:23:08,931
- Let me have another suture.
- You surgeons are all alike.
283
00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:13,249
lf this guy knew the clowns
who are operating on him, he'd faint.
284
00:23:13,333 --> 00:23:15,324
- l think he has!
- Nurse, l need a suture.
285
00:23:15,413 --> 00:23:17,449
- Coming.
- Keep ahead of him, babe.
286
00:23:17,533 --> 00:23:21,685
- We need a couple more stitches in there.
- That's fine, yeah. Thank you.
287
00:23:22,973 --> 00:23:26,204
lt's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse,
or we'd get rid of you.
288
00:23:26,293 --> 00:23:28,682
- Don't stick me.
- Keep it clean.
289
00:23:30,773 --> 00:23:32,684
l can tie that for you.
290
00:23:32,773 --> 00:23:36,163
Let's have the big stitches
for holding up the chest.
291
00:23:36,253 --> 00:23:39,290
- Larger needles, Knocko.
- Now sutures.
292
00:23:40,093 --> 00:23:43,403
Start wrapping up. l could use another one.
293
00:23:43,493 --> 00:23:46,405
Anybody know if he's an officer
or an enlisted man?
294
00:23:46,493 --> 00:23:49,291
- He's an enlisted man.
- Make the stitches big.
295
00:23:49,373 --> 00:23:52,604
Attention. Captain Bandi... Captain Bandini...
296
00:23:53,253 --> 00:23:57,804
Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini
is now performing a palmaral pop...
297
00:23:57,893 --> 00:24:00,088
poplit, a pop...
298
00:24:00,173 --> 00:24:06,885
A palmaral P-O-P-L-l-T-E-R-A-L
artety explor... exploration,
299
00:24:06,973 --> 00:24:08,964
and possible graft.
300
00:24:11,373 --> 00:24:13,967
The following memo has just come through.
301
00:24:14,053 --> 00:24:18,649
Please remove all pictures, postcards,
nude calendars, et cetera from the walls
302
00:24:18,733 --> 00:24:22,806
so that our rooms may look
clean and orderly. That is all.
303
00:24:22,893 --> 00:24:28,092
lt's you! Did l tell you how Androscoggin
College beat Dartmouth in a blizzard 6-0
304
00:24:28,173 --> 00:24:30,129
- cos l intercepted a pass?
- Yeah.
305
00:24:30,213 --> 00:24:33,888
They had this great passer,
and we held 'em 0-0 till the last 20 seconds.
306
00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:37,761
And then snow and all he let one go,
and it went sailing, boom!
307
00:24:37,853 --> 00:24:41,289
Lucky your mouth wasn't open
or it would've got stuck in your throat.
308
00:24:41,373 --> 00:24:46,128
- How is Trapper John?
- l thought you'd never remember!
309
00:24:46,213 --> 00:24:48,204
John Mclntyre, Trapper John.
310
00:24:48,293 --> 00:24:52,002
Only man ever found fulfilment in
a Boston Maine Railway in the ladies' can.
311
00:24:52,093 --> 00:24:56,132
Conductor opened the door, the girl
looked out and yelled ''He trapped me!''
312
00:24:56,213 --> 00:24:59,683
- How are ya?
- l'm great. What's goin' on over there?
313
00:24:59,773 --> 00:25:03,686
Well, well, well. Must be
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.
314
00:25:03,773 --> 00:25:05,365
Painless Polish Day?
315
00:25:05,453 --> 00:25:09,207
- Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
- Those guys waiting to scrub his back?
316
00:25:09,293 --> 00:25:13,286
No. He's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist in the army.
317
00:25:13,373 --> 00:25:15,364
You may call it that.
318
00:25:17,453 --> 00:25:22,686
Once in med school, l did an autopsy
on a guy. He would have been drowned.
319
00:25:22,773 --> 00:25:25,003
- You an authority on that?
- l heard that one.
320
00:25:25,093 --> 00:25:27,561
Extraordinaty. A friend had a...
321
00:25:28,533 --> 00:25:31,331
Boy, man, l'd surely love to see that angty!
322
00:26:41,053 --> 00:26:42,850
Nurse!
323
00:26:44,573 --> 00:26:48,452
Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.
324
00:26:48,533 --> 00:26:51,331
- l'm sorty. A c...?
- Just get it!
325
00:26:53,853 --> 00:26:55,844
Pinch a bit?
326
00:26:59,653 --> 00:27:04,807
And you can cut me about a four-inch piece
of wire and about an inch and a half of tape.
327
00:27:09,293 --> 00:27:10,806
- Hi.
- Who is it?
328
00:27:10,893 --> 00:27:13,885
lt's Trapper. Let's get some of this stuff off.
329
00:27:13,973 --> 00:27:16,567
You idiot! l said a cardiac needle.
330
00:27:18,133 --> 00:27:22,524
- You want me to get a nurse?
- lt's too late, Boone. You killed him.
331
00:27:52,133 --> 00:27:55,364
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.
332
00:27:55,453 --> 00:27:57,409
This is where we do the dirty work.
333
00:27:57,493 --> 00:27:59,484
- Captain Murrhardt.
- Sponge.
334
00:27:59,573 --> 00:28:01,052
- Hi.
- Hi, Captain.
335
00:28:01,133 --> 00:28:05,445
Dennis. Don't you remember?
l helped carty your luggage from the airfield.
336
00:28:05,533 --> 00:28:08,331
- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.
337
00:28:08,413 --> 00:28:11,291
- This is Captain Black.
- Hello, Captain Black.
338
00:28:11,373 --> 00:28:15,161
- Hi, l'm Ugly John, your gas passer.
- Oh... Ugly John.
339
00:28:15,253 --> 00:28:18,245
Oh, it's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.
340
00:28:18,333 --> 00:28:22,611
- Captain Sacks. How's the operation going?
- Are you kiddin'?
341
00:28:22,693 --> 00:28:24,684
Scissors.
342
00:28:25,373 --> 00:28:30,083
- Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.
- Major! Oh, right!
343
00:28:30,173 --> 00:28:33,802
Now l'll show you the rest of the operation,
if you'll excuse the pun.
344
00:28:38,093 --> 00:28:40,084
This is the pre-op ward.
345
00:28:40,173 --> 00:28:44,928
l'll take these things -
this is the post-op ward - if you don't mind.
346
00:28:45,013 --> 00:28:47,573
Oh, Vollmer, take care of these, will you?
347
00:28:48,053 --> 00:28:50,567
- Finished work for the day?
- Yes. Why?
348
00:28:50,653 --> 00:28:54,851
Good. Good. l just wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.
349
00:28:57,853 --> 00:29:02,131
- Son of a bitch!
- Trapper! Captain Mclntyre! What the hell...?
350
00:29:02,213 --> 00:29:04,932
- That's a captain?
- What's going on? Who started this?
351
00:29:05,013 --> 00:29:07,732
l hit him! He's an ignoramus,
that knucklehead!
352
00:29:07,813 --> 00:29:11,123
He wouldn't have touched me
if l'd had my guard up.
353
00:29:11,213 --> 00:29:14,250
Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone!
354
00:29:14,333 --> 00:29:16,483
Think this is an English boarding school?
355
00:29:16,573 --> 00:29:19,804
Mclntyre, you're under arrest.
Confine yourself to quarters.
356
00:29:19,893 --> 00:29:23,602
- Henty, are you kidding?
- l deeply regret this unfortunate incident.
357
00:29:23,693 --> 00:29:26,253
We tty to remember
we're a militaty organisation.
358
00:29:26,333 --> 00:29:28,483
l should certainly hope so.
359
00:29:28,573 --> 00:29:32,532
Vollmer, that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.
360
00:29:33,933 --> 00:29:38,484
- Captain Mclntyre, you are officially...
- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.
361
00:29:42,093 --> 00:29:47,770
Attention, camp compound. Urine specimens
will be required from all pers...
362
00:29:47,853 --> 00:29:49,844
Disregard last transmission.
363
00:29:49,933 --> 00:29:52,731
- Sorty, Colonel.
- What the hell's the matter with you?
364
00:29:52,813 --> 00:29:54,405
- Want some coffee?
- Please.
365
00:29:54,493 --> 00:29:56,848
- Ho-Jon, some coffee.
- What's wrong with you?
366
00:29:56,933 --> 00:30:01,051
l don't know. l must have lost my punch.
l never expected the son of a bitch to get up!
367
00:30:01,133 --> 00:30:03,772
- That's no kind of an answer.
- You know why he did it.
368
00:30:03,853 --> 00:30:07,129
l can't have my junior officers
striking each other.
369
00:30:07,213 --> 00:30:10,011
Dammit, Henty. Frank Burns is a menace!
370
00:30:10,413 --> 00:30:14,884
Evety time a patient croaks on him he says
it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
371
00:30:14,973 --> 00:30:18,488
This time he blamed it on some kid
who was stupid enough to believe him.
372
00:30:18,573 --> 00:30:22,691
l'm tired of you ttying to run this outfit.
There's going to be disciplinaty action.
373
00:30:22,773 --> 00:30:27,767
- What are you gonna do, Henty?
- l'd planned to name Trapper chief surgeon
374
00:30:27,853 --> 00:30:31,641
- to consult on your shift and Frank's.
- That's damn good thinking.
375
00:30:31,733 --> 00:30:34,167
But now l can't do it for at least a week.
376
00:30:34,253 --> 00:30:39,407
lf l announced it now after what our new
chief nurse saw, she'd yell to Washington.
377
00:30:39,493 --> 00:30:41,723
Don't you have any sugar in this place?
378
00:30:41,813 --> 00:30:46,329
Good morning. Today's musical
selections will be rendered by
379
00:30:46,413 --> 00:30:50,042
Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.
380
00:30:50,133 --> 00:30:55,207
Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not
answer the phone. He was at a football game.
381
00:30:55,293 --> 00:30:58,649
- Those generals have all the fun!
- Yes, sir.
382
00:31:29,293 --> 00:31:32,410
Attention. Attention.
May l have the camp's attention?
383
00:31:32,493 --> 00:31:37,089
This week's movie will be
''When Willie Comes Marching Home''.
384
00:31:37,173 --> 00:31:41,803
The biggest parade
of laughs of World War ll.
385
00:31:41,893 --> 00:31:46,887
All the loves, laughs and escapades
of the Willies who came marching home.
386
00:31:46,973 --> 00:31:51,569
This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.
387
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:55,565
Captain Pierce, may l join you?
388
00:31:55,653 --> 00:31:59,771
You've already joined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
389
00:32:00,093 --> 00:32:02,368
Where do you come from?
390
00:32:02,453 --> 00:32:05,092
Well, l like to think of the army as my home.
391
00:32:05,173 --> 00:32:07,004
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
392
00:32:08,453 --> 00:32:10,444
Ho-Jon, bring me some ketchup.
393
00:32:10,533 --> 00:32:13,570
- l've been observing the nurses on your shift.
- l know.
394
00:32:13,653 --> 00:32:17,168
Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.
395
00:32:17,253 --> 00:32:20,882
You want to know what l think
of the nurses on my team. l'll tell you.
396
00:32:20,973 --> 00:32:24,932
l think they're fine, just great.
l'm totally satisfied with them.
397
00:32:25,573 --> 00:32:30,124
- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.
- Of course, what do you expect?
398
00:32:38,253 --> 00:32:40,244
Welcome, gentlemen.
399
00:32:41,213 --> 00:32:45,365
When the lights go on again
400
00:32:45,453 --> 00:32:47,967
All over the world
401
00:32:48,053 --> 00:32:50,044
You got enough room?
402
00:32:58,013 --> 00:33:01,972
- ls he all right, Hawkeye?
- ls he all right, Dago?
403
00:33:02,053 --> 00:33:04,328
Yes, you mean is he gonna live?
404
00:33:04,413 --> 00:33:06,722
He'll live.
405
00:33:06,813 --> 00:33:10,965
l hope somebody's gonna be around
tomorrow morning when he wakes up
406
00:33:11,053 --> 00:33:15,126
to tell him that he hasn't got
anything between his legs any more.
407
00:33:15,213 --> 00:33:16,805
Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.
408
00:33:16,893 --> 00:33:20,442
- Major Burns is far from satisfied.
- That doesn't surprise me.
409
00:33:20,533 --> 00:33:24,242
Frank Burns does not know
his way around an operating theatre.
410
00:33:24,333 --> 00:33:26,324
He does not know his way around a body.
411
00:33:26,413 --> 00:33:30,850
And if you'll have observed anything, you'll
have observed that Frank Burns is an idiot.
412
00:33:30,933 --> 00:33:34,369
He has flipped his wig, he is out
of his head, he's a lousy surgeon.
413
00:33:34,453 --> 00:33:40,972
On the contraty, l have observed that Major
Burns is not only a good technical surgeon,
414
00:33:41,053 --> 00:33:44,170
- he is a good militaty surgeon.
- You finished?
415
00:33:44,253 --> 00:33:49,088
l have also noticed that nurses as well as
enlisted men address you as ''Hawkeye''.
416
00:33:49,173 --> 00:33:51,084
Because that's my name. Hawkeye.
417
00:33:51,173 --> 00:33:54,688
That kind of informality is
inconsistent with maximum efficiency.
418
00:33:54,773 --> 00:33:57,162
Oh, come off it, Major!
419
00:33:58,973 --> 00:34:01,965
You've put me off my fried lobster.
Do you realise that?
420
00:34:02,053 --> 00:34:06,251
l'm gonna go back to my bed, l'm gonna
put away the best part of a bottle of Scotch
421
00:34:06,333 --> 00:34:10,451
and under normal circumstances,
you being normally what l'd call attractive,
422
00:34:10,533 --> 00:34:15,653
l would have invited you back to share my
little bed with me and you might have come.
423
00:34:15,733 --> 00:34:21,922
But you really put me off. l mean,
you're what we call a regular army clown.
424
00:34:25,653 --> 00:34:27,450
l wonder how such a degenerate
425
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:31,412
could have reached a position
of responsibility in the army.
426
00:34:31,493 --> 00:34:32,608
He was drafted.
427
00:34:48,453 --> 00:34:50,045
- Radar!
- Your briefcase, sir.
428
00:34:50,133 --> 00:34:53,489
- You're going to see Hammond.
- l'm spending the day with Hammond.
429
00:34:53,573 --> 00:34:56,451
- Major Burns is in charge.
- Major Burns is in charge.
430
00:34:56,533 --> 00:34:58,763
- Good luck.
- See you in the morning.
431
00:34:59,813 --> 00:35:03,806
- Any last-minute instructions for the men?
- Radar has all the information.
432
00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:05,884
But who's gonna be on CQ tonight?
433
00:35:05,973 --> 00:35:08,089
Wait a minute. What about the...?
434
00:35:09,333 --> 00:35:11,324
- Oh, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
435
00:35:11,413 --> 00:35:15,850
l have some shirts with the buttons missing.
Ask Satsumi to sew them on, please.
436
00:35:15,933 --> 00:35:18,242
- l'd be glad to do them.
- You don't have to.
437
00:35:18,333 --> 00:35:23,088
- lt's nothing. Nice jacket. ls it new?
- Oh, yeah. My... lt was sent to me.
438
00:35:23,173 --> 00:35:25,482
- You don't have to do that.
- Take care.
439
00:35:26,453 --> 00:35:30,366
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the surgeons
440
00:35:30,453 --> 00:35:34,162
He needs a queen to satisfy his urgin's
441
00:35:34,253 --> 00:35:38,212
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the trappers
442
00:35:38,293 --> 00:35:43,572
He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
443
00:35:43,653 --> 00:35:47,362
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the cutters
444
00:35:47,453 --> 00:35:51,492
He needs a queen
with a bigger pair of udders
445
00:35:51,573 --> 00:35:52,847
Hail to the chief...
446
00:35:52,933 --> 00:35:55,811
Blake's gone out of his mind.
ls that gonna go on all night?
447
00:35:55,893 --> 00:36:00,569
He took his orders
and shoved them up his rectum
448
00:36:00,653 --> 00:36:02,530
No, no. No food. No food.
449
00:36:02,613 --> 00:36:06,731
- Sex. l want sex. Bring me some sex.
- Scorch, come forth.
450
00:36:07,253 --> 00:36:10,245
- No, no, bring me that one.
- He's chosen you!
451
00:36:10,333 --> 00:36:14,212
That one. The sultty bitch with
the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off.
452
00:36:14,293 --> 00:36:16,853
l want that one! Yes! Yes!
453
00:36:16,933 --> 00:36:20,528
Take her clothes off and bring her
to me now! l want her now!
454
00:36:22,813 --> 00:36:26,522
Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
455
00:36:38,813 --> 00:36:40,804
This letter
456
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:44,730
has been written
457
00:36:45,693 --> 00:36:47,809
in the interest
458
00:36:47,893 --> 00:36:49,292
of...
459
00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:51,364
Army morale.
460
00:36:52,133 --> 00:36:56,729
Good. Army morale.
461
00:37:03,893 --> 00:37:07,090
Wait a second.
Radar's gonna sing us our verse.
462
00:37:09,733 --> 00:37:12,566
''This letter has been written
in the interest of army morale.''
463
00:37:12,653 --> 00:37:16,771
''We feel it is our duty to bring this
unwholesome situation to your attention.''
464
00:37:16,853 --> 00:37:21,881
''We write this jointly to assure you no one's
personal feeling has influenced this report.''
465
00:37:21,973 --> 00:37:24,362
''Respectfully,
Margaret J Houlihan, Major Burns.''
466
00:37:24,453 --> 00:37:27,126
- That's perfect.
- l think it's a marvellous letter.
467
00:37:27,213 --> 00:37:30,330
- We make a good team, don't we?
- We think the same way.
468
00:37:30,413 --> 00:37:32,404
Of course we do.
469
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:35,284
lt's almost suppertime.
470
00:37:36,133 --> 00:37:39,170
- You're not hungty, are you?
- Ravenous. How about you?
471
00:37:40,333 --> 00:37:42,324
For you, Margaret.
472
00:38:00,253 --> 00:38:05,850
Now, the sooner this reaches him, the sooner
we can turn this into a tight militaty outfit.
473
00:38:12,973 --> 00:38:18,525
Attention, camp compound. Corporal Judson
has informed the colonel's office
474
00:38:18,613 --> 00:38:22,526
that three cases of amphetamine sulphate
are unaccounted for again.
475
00:38:22,613 --> 00:38:25,525
This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.
476
00:38:25,613 --> 00:38:31,290
lt must stop, by order of
Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit.
477
00:38:31,373 --> 00:38:34,649
l only wish l could
deliver that letter personally.
478
00:38:34,733 --> 00:38:37,566
- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, Margaret.
479
00:38:37,653 --> 00:38:41,487
- l'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.
- That won't be necessaty.
480
00:38:41,573 --> 00:38:43,768
No, l don't mind.
481
00:38:43,853 --> 00:38:45,844
l'll leave the door unlocked.
482
00:38:48,013 --> 00:38:52,404
Attention. Captain Mclntyre will give
a lecture on blood and fluid replacement
483
00:38:52,493 --> 00:38:59,410
in the mess hall at 0800... Correction.
At 021... At nine o'clock this evening.
484
00:39:01,573 --> 00:39:03,404
Take your hat off, Radar.
485
00:39:03,493 --> 00:39:05,643
You're before the king... queen.
486
00:39:05,733 --> 00:39:07,724
Don't get nervous, Radar.
487
00:39:10,173 --> 00:39:14,769
Long live the chief,
the colonel... the colonel
488
00:39:15,213 --> 00:39:18,603
Long live the chief,
the colonel did elect him...
489
00:39:42,813 --> 00:39:44,644
You all right?
490
00:39:44,733 --> 00:39:46,644
Fine.
491
00:39:46,733 --> 00:39:49,088
Godless buffoons, all of them.
492
00:39:49,173 --> 00:39:54,167
lt's the disrespect for you, Frank.
That... that's what l can't forgive.
493
00:39:54,773 --> 00:39:56,445
l'm used to it.
494
00:39:58,893 --> 00:40:00,884
- Liquorice?
- No, thank you.
495
00:40:03,093 --> 00:40:06,244
What makes me sore
is how they behave towards you.
496
00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,562
They oughta be grateful to have you.
497
00:40:12,613 --> 00:40:14,604
l certainly am.
498
00:40:17,013 --> 00:40:19,402
l'm grateful to have you, Frank.
499
00:40:25,213 --> 00:40:28,011
We've grown vety close in a short time.
500
00:40:30,253 --> 00:40:32,813
lt isn'tjust chance.
501
00:40:32,893 --> 00:40:34,884
l'm sure of that.
502
00:40:37,013 --> 00:40:39,402
God meant us to find each other.
503
00:40:40,773 --> 00:40:43,367
- His will be done!
- Darling!
504
00:40:44,093 --> 00:40:46,482
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
505
00:40:51,533 --> 00:40:54,206
l'll help you. Oh, yes.
506
00:40:56,653 --> 00:40:58,848
Oh! Wait, wait. Get my robe.
507
00:41:00,293 --> 00:41:02,363
Get my zipper. My zipper.
508
00:41:02,453 --> 00:41:04,444
Oh, God!
509
00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:16,324
Get the searchlight on.
510
00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:23,610
Put the light out before it opens.
511
00:41:24,293 --> 00:41:27,171
Hi. What's going on? May l join you?
512
00:41:27,933 --> 00:41:30,925
A little radio show from home.
513
00:41:32,213 --> 00:41:35,922
Oh, yes. Oh, Frank.
514
00:41:38,093 --> 00:41:42,245
- Oh, Frank. Oh, yes.
- ls this the Bickersons? l love them.
515
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:45,643
- Who?
- The Battling Bickersons. l love it.
516
00:41:47,933 --> 00:41:50,128
Oh, Frank.
517
00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:54,209
Hard. Oh, Frank.
518
00:41:54,293 --> 00:41:56,284
Harder, harder.
519
00:42:00,973 --> 00:42:03,362
No, l... l forgot. l...
520
00:42:08,973 --> 00:42:12,010
- You're shining that thing in my eyes.
- Oh, l'm sorty.
521
00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,205
Darling...
522
00:42:14,293 --> 00:42:17,922
Oh, he is such a sweet man.
523
00:42:18,013 --> 00:42:20,766
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.
524
00:42:20,853 --> 00:42:23,367
Oh! Kiss my hot lips!
525
00:42:23,453 --> 00:42:27,765
- Yes, they are hot.
- Lips? Hot... hot lips?
526
00:42:28,333 --> 00:42:31,325
We have got to share this
with the rest of the camp.
527
00:42:32,733 --> 00:42:34,724
- Switch it over.
- OK.
528
00:42:36,213 --> 00:42:38,204
Oh, Frank. Yes!
529
00:42:38,293 --> 00:42:40,568
- Darling...
- Oh, oh, Frank.
530
00:42:40,653 --> 00:42:43,247
Oh, Frank, strangle me hard.
531
00:42:43,333 --> 00:42:46,484
- Frank! Oh!
- What the hell is that?
532
00:42:46,573 --> 00:42:49,645
Oh! Oh, yes. Oh!
533
00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:53,726
Dr Frank Burns is doing
a bit of dilatation and curettage.
534
00:42:56,893 --> 00:43:01,091
- Sounds like the major's having a dream.
- She's plugged in.
535
00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,210
Oh, Major.
536
00:43:03,773 --> 00:43:05,764
Oh, Frank.
537
00:43:06,253 --> 00:43:08,687
Frank. Wait a second.
538
00:43:08,773 --> 00:43:11,845
- What is it?
- Turn the light off!
539
00:43:11,933 --> 00:43:14,731
No! Let go! Turn the light off!
540
00:43:16,213 --> 00:43:18,966
Get your clothes on! Get your pants on!
541
00:43:19,053 --> 00:43:20,725
Don't shout at me.
542
00:43:20,813 --> 00:43:22,804
Don't shove me.
543
00:43:37,733 --> 00:43:42,170
Too bad Henty wasn't here. He'd have
thought it was a real radio programme.
544
00:43:42,253 --> 00:43:44,323
l thought it was a radio programme.
545
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:48,042
We should send a letter of commendation
to the Armed Forces Radio Network.
546
00:43:48,133 --> 00:43:53,048
Ah, wonderful. Yes. lt was the most
uplifting programme l have ever heard.
547
00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:55,488
lt was climactic.
548
00:44:01,613 --> 00:44:03,604
Morning, ladies.
549
00:44:11,173 --> 00:44:13,164
Well, hiya, Hot Lips.
550
00:44:14,213 --> 00:44:19,333
Oh. Oh, my goodness, over my...
l'm so sorty to touch you, but l...
551
00:44:21,293 --> 00:44:24,729
- What's up with her today?
- l think it's one of those ladies' things.
552
00:44:24,813 --> 00:44:27,611
- lt's not like her to act like this.
- She's made a...
553
00:44:27,693 --> 00:44:30,161
Bitch. Look at my new flannel sweater.
554
00:44:30,253 --> 00:44:35,043
- She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.
- She can't even get outta the door.
555
00:44:39,293 --> 00:44:41,090
Morning, Frank.
556
00:44:42,653 --> 00:44:45,167
Heard from your wife?
557
00:44:49,053 --> 00:44:52,090
- Colonel, you forgot your briefcase.
- l left it in the jeep.
558
00:44:52,173 --> 00:44:54,448
- You left it there.
- Oh, yes. l forgot it.
559
00:44:54,533 --> 00:44:57,809
Morning, Captain. l hope
you didn't have to... Take care of this.
560
00:44:57,893 --> 00:45:01,681
l hope you didn't have to bother
with those shirts. lt wasn't necessaty.
561
00:45:01,773 --> 00:45:05,686
- Too late, sir. lt's a done thing.
- Well, thank you. Morning, Padre.
562
00:45:05,773 --> 00:45:07,764
You know, l really got...
563
00:45:10,093 --> 00:45:14,848
- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
- Great. The general wasn't there.
564
00:45:17,053 --> 00:45:21,331
Listen, about last night, sir,
there was nothing l could do about it, sir.
565
00:45:21,413 --> 00:45:23,210
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
566
00:45:23,293 --> 00:45:27,081
- Well, it couldn't have been helped.
- Thank you, sir.
567
00:45:27,173 --> 00:45:29,004
Oh, what's that?
568
00:45:29,093 --> 00:45:31,891
Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.
Vety encouraging.
569
00:45:32,733 --> 00:45:38,012
A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you
what Hot Lips was like in the sack. Was she...
570
00:45:38,093 --> 00:45:42,769
- Mind your own business.
- No, Frank. ls she better than self-abuse?
571
00:45:43,093 --> 00:45:46,483
What's that all about?
He gonna get some pointers or somethin'?
572
00:45:46,573 --> 00:45:51,169
No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make
a personal appearance tour in all the camps.
573
00:45:51,253 --> 00:45:52,845
ls that a fact?
574
00:45:52,933 --> 00:45:55,049
Can you make out what they're saying?
575
00:45:55,133 --> 00:46:01,288
Does that big ass of hers move around a lot,
Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
576
00:46:02,573 --> 00:46:05,883
Hawkeye's questioning
the major on a point of anatomy.
577
00:46:05,973 --> 00:46:07,964
Vety professional.
578
00:46:08,053 --> 00:46:11,966
Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?
579
00:46:12,053 --> 00:46:15,489
- What is Burns saying?
- Major Burns isn't saying much of anything.
580
00:46:15,573 --> 00:46:17,370
He's formulating the answer.
581
00:46:17,453 --> 00:46:20,490
Seriously, Frank. Does she go...
582
00:46:20,573 --> 00:46:23,371
Or does she lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?
583
00:46:23,453 --> 00:46:26,809
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Or does she go...
584
00:46:29,253 --> 00:46:31,369
Get him off me!
585
00:46:31,453 --> 00:46:34,604
- Get him off me!
- Frank, is that lesson one?
586
00:46:35,053 --> 00:46:36,930
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
587
00:46:41,693 --> 00:46:43,843
l'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
588
00:46:43,933 --> 00:46:49,087
Watch out for your goodies. He's a sex
maniac. l don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.
589
00:46:50,613 --> 00:46:52,604
Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
590
00:46:57,493 --> 00:47:00,883
The time has come for us
591
00:47:00,973 --> 00:47:04,443
To say sayonara
592
00:47:06,973 --> 00:47:09,726
My heart will always
593
00:47:09,813 --> 00:47:14,125
Be yours for eternity
594
00:47:16,413 --> 00:47:23,728
l knew sometime
we'd have to say sayonara...
595
00:47:28,253 --> 00:47:33,327
Colonel, fair's fair. lf l nail Hot Lips
and punch Hawkeye, can l go home?
596
00:47:36,053 --> 00:47:39,887
l'll remember our romance
597
00:47:39,973 --> 00:47:44,569
Until the day that l die
598
00:47:45,493 --> 00:47:47,723
l'll see your face
599
00:47:47,813 --> 00:47:52,443
ln the moon and stars in the sky
600
00:47:54,093 --> 00:47:55,606
- Hawkeye!
- Be there in a minute.
601
00:47:55,693 --> 00:47:58,446
- Hawkeye!
- Oh, shit.
602
00:47:58,533 --> 00:48:02,924
OK. Seidman, get another guy. We gotta take
this into the ORjust on the stretcher.
603
00:48:03,013 --> 00:48:05,322
Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.
604
00:48:05,413 --> 00:48:07,404
OK. l can't move my hand. Come on.
605
00:48:09,573 --> 00:48:12,041
Have you got the cutdowns?
606
00:48:12,133 --> 00:48:14,328
You're gonna go to sleep. You'll be fine.
607
00:48:14,413 --> 00:48:19,407
- Hot Lips, let me have a sterile knife.
- l'm gonna need two vascular clamps
608
00:48:19,493 --> 00:48:21,085
and an arterial suture.
609
00:48:21,173 --> 00:48:25,928
As soon as you give me the clamp l want you
to gown and glove me. All right? Ready?
610
00:48:26,013 --> 00:48:28,607
OK. Here we go. lt's gonna spurt a bit. OK.
611
00:48:28,693 --> 00:48:31,685
- You got it?
- Ah, yeah, you baby.
612
00:48:32,973 --> 00:48:34,964
- Clamp.
- Yeah.
613
00:48:38,773 --> 00:48:40,764
OK, gown.
614
00:48:41,893 --> 00:48:45,169
- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?
- Yeah.
615
00:48:45,253 --> 00:48:48,484
OK. Ugly, move out of the way
cos l'm working over there.
616
00:48:48,573 --> 00:48:53,010
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching
like you never saw before!
617
00:48:53,093 --> 00:48:56,563
Attention. Attention.
This is Colonel Blake's office.
618
00:48:56,653 --> 00:49:01,010
The American Medical Association has
just declared marijuana a dangerous drug.
619
00:49:01,093 --> 00:49:05,211
Despite earlier claims by physicians
that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
620
00:49:05,293 --> 00:49:08,205
this is now found to be the case. That is all.
621
00:49:10,293 --> 00:49:12,409
When did you get them? Let me tty it on you.
622
00:49:12,493 --> 00:49:14,484
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
623
00:49:14,573 --> 00:49:17,804
Hey, Dago Reddo! Hi.
You're just in time for cocktails.
624
00:49:17,893 --> 00:49:20,566
- Come on in.
- No, thank you. l can't, really.
625
00:49:20,653 --> 00:49:23,167
- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.
- OK, Red.
626
00:49:23,253 --> 00:49:25,244
- Could l speak to you?
- Yeah, sure.
627
00:49:25,333 --> 00:49:27,403
No, outside.
628
00:49:27,493 --> 00:49:30,087
- What?
- l have to talk to you outside.
629
00:49:33,973 --> 00:49:36,123
Hiya, Pup-Pup.
630
00:49:36,213 --> 00:49:39,171
- Sorty to drag you away from the gang, but...
- What?
631
00:49:39,253 --> 00:49:43,531
This'll only take a moment.
There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
632
00:49:43,613 --> 00:49:45,922
Painless? You got a toothache? He's good.
633
00:49:46,013 --> 00:49:50,006
No, no, it's not my problem.
See, it's his problem.
634
00:49:50,093 --> 00:49:53,688
- What do you mean? What is it?
- Well, what is it... That's...
635
00:49:53,773 --> 00:49:59,291
lt's difficult to talk about, you see, because
l learned about his problem in confession.
636
00:49:59,373 --> 00:50:02,171
- Oh, and you can't...
- l can't divulge.
637
00:50:02,253 --> 00:50:04,244
Can you give me a hint?
638
00:50:05,813 --> 00:50:08,771
- Just an idea?
- Well, no.
639
00:50:08,853 --> 00:50:12,528
But l can tell you how serious it is.
640
00:50:12,613 --> 00:50:14,604
He and the boys were playing poker
641
00:50:14,693 --> 00:50:20,245
and one of the boys turned to him and
asked him for a ruling on one of the hands.
642
00:50:20,333 --> 00:50:26,727
And Walt said, he said
''What does it matter? lt's only a game.''
643
00:50:27,653 --> 00:50:31,328
Painless said ''What does it matter?
lt's only a game''? Poker, only a game?
644
00:50:31,413 --> 00:50:33,404
Yeah.
645
00:50:33,493 --> 00:50:38,408
- Yeah, that's what l thought.
- l guess l better go see a man about a tooth.
646
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:40,290
Thank you.
647
00:50:40,373 --> 00:50:44,082
- See, l didn't know what to... do.
- Pup-Pup.
648
00:50:44,173 --> 00:50:46,482
You see, there are some...
649
00:50:46,573 --> 00:50:50,248
There are some things that absolution just...
650
00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:51,732
Well...
651
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:56,250
Seven, eight, jack. Three on a low.
652
00:50:56,333 --> 00:51:00,292
Four, three... Hawkeye, there's
an empty chair here looking for a player.
653
00:51:00,373 --> 00:51:03,092
Baby, l've got a toothache
like you can't believe.
654
00:51:03,173 --> 00:51:07,644
Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did l lost $30.
655
00:51:07,733 --> 00:51:10,406
Why do you have to sit behind me?
lt makes me nervous.
656
00:51:10,493 --> 00:51:15,567
- lt brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.
- Come on. Let's play, men. Deuce. Ace.
657
00:51:16,453 --> 00:51:18,409
- Can l take some Scotch?
- Sure.
658
00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:20,484
- You want some?
- No.
659
00:51:22,493 --> 00:51:24,882
- How you feelin'?
- No, don't touch me.
660
00:51:26,053 --> 00:51:28,442
Look, if a...
661
00:51:28,533 --> 00:51:32,128
lf a man isn't a man any more,
662
00:51:33,893 --> 00:51:37,283
what's he got left
that he should be living for?
663
00:51:39,173 --> 00:51:41,243
OK, tell me about it. What's the stoty?
664
00:51:41,333 --> 00:51:45,929
Well, you know that little nurse that was
through here last night with the 325th?
665
00:51:46,013 --> 00:51:49,244
- The little one with the big... boobs.
- Yeah, l know. Yeah.
666
00:51:49,333 --> 00:51:51,722
Well, anyway, l...
667
00:51:51,813 --> 00:51:55,203
l wasn't gonna fool around out here
because l got these...
668
00:51:55,293 --> 00:51:58,729
l got these three girls
that l'm engaged to back home.
669
00:51:58,813 --> 00:52:02,362
And you wanted to be faithful.
Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.
670
00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:07,402
Well, anyway, l took her out last night
and l... l failed.
671
00:52:07,493 --> 00:52:12,362
- You mean she wouldn't put out?
- She wanted to, but it was me. l couldn't...
672
00:52:12,453 --> 00:52:16,605
- Oh, you couldn't... lt wouldn't...
- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all.
673
00:52:16,693 --> 00:52:20,129
That happens to evetybody.
lt's happened to me four or five times...
674
00:52:20,213 --> 00:52:23,171
Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before.
675
00:52:24,013 --> 00:52:27,130
Come on. You're the best-equipped
dentist in the army.
676
00:52:27,213 --> 00:52:31,047
- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
- That's just a cover-up.
677
00:52:32,933 --> 00:52:34,730
- What's a cover-up?
- Don Juanism.
678
00:52:34,813 --> 00:52:39,284
- l've been reading about it. lt's a cover-up.
- lt's a cover-up for what?
679
00:52:40,493 --> 00:52:42,290
Well...
680
00:52:44,493 --> 00:52:46,961
l'm a faity.
681
00:52:47,053 --> 00:52:49,931
A victim of latent homosexuality.
682
00:52:50,013 --> 00:52:52,402
l've turned into a faity.
683
00:53:00,133 --> 00:53:04,763
- Have you... have you done anything?
- No, but it's only a matter of time.
684
00:53:04,853 --> 00:53:06,844
l just can't face it.
685
00:53:08,293 --> 00:53:12,252
Look, Hawkeye, suppose that
you found out that you were one, huh?
686
00:53:12,613 --> 00:53:16,686
- One...?
- Yeah. You wouldn't like telling your wife.
687
00:53:16,773 --> 00:53:22,325
- No, l can see that that would be a problem.
- l got the same problem, only multiplied.
688
00:53:23,293 --> 00:53:25,887
Well, you know, Man o'War,
689
00:53:25,973 --> 00:53:31,764
after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to stud.
690
00:53:31,853 --> 00:53:38,201
And he had an average of about 120,
691
00:53:38,293 --> 00:53:42,889
130 foals evety year.
692
00:53:42,973 --> 00:53:45,328
And he lived to be 36.
693
00:53:45,413 --> 00:53:50,203
And then when he died they did an autopsy
and found out that he was a raving queen.
694
00:53:52,213 --> 00:53:55,046
No, that's a little-known fact, but it's the truth.
695
00:53:55,133 --> 00:53:59,649
- Painless has a couple of years left in him.
- Maybe more. He hasn't started raving yet.
696
00:53:59,733 --> 00:54:03,646
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist
shouldn't read. That's his problem.
697
00:54:03,733 --> 00:54:06,611
His problem is that he believes it.
He is convinced.
698
00:54:06,693 --> 00:54:10,402
lt's an obsession and it is a vital force.
699
00:54:11,493 --> 00:54:15,122
- Here he comes! The jawbreaker.
- He's not gonna break anything.
700
00:54:15,213 --> 00:54:17,204
Just act natural.
701
00:54:25,813 --> 00:54:28,373
All right, Painless? How's she goin'?
702
00:54:28,693 --> 00:54:31,571
Something in a marshmallow?
703
00:54:32,373 --> 00:54:36,412
No, it's OK, fellas. l know
you've been talking about me, and...
704
00:54:37,933 --> 00:54:44,008
Well, l came over to tell you that l've decided
that l'm... going to commit suicide.
705
00:54:47,253 --> 00:54:50,404
Well, if you're really gonna
go ahead and do it,
706
00:54:50,493 --> 00:54:53,610
do you think you could
leave me your record player?
707
00:54:53,693 --> 00:54:56,287
- Oh, sure.
- Thank you.
708
00:54:57,053 --> 00:55:01,126
Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you
plan to do it? A .45 between the eyes?
709
00:55:01,613 --> 00:55:04,252
- That's awful sloppy.
- lt's reliable though.
710
00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:07,166
Well, that's another thing l wanted to ask you.
711
00:55:07,253 --> 00:55:10,290
l'm sort of new at this game and...
712
00:55:10,373 --> 00:55:13,092
Do you have any particular
method you'd recommend?
713
00:55:13,173 --> 00:55:16,848
l don't know. l think my colleagues and l
could come up with something
714
00:55:16,933 --> 00:55:20,209
- to relinquish the vital forces of their...
- Black capsule.
715
00:55:20,293 --> 00:55:23,285
- Black capsule.
- Of course. That's neat.
716
00:55:23,373 --> 00:55:25,887
What's a black capsule?
You have any? Does it work?
717
00:55:25,973 --> 00:55:29,488
lt worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.
lt should work for you.
718
00:55:30,173 --> 00:55:34,291
Hawkeye, l really must... l should
check with the militaty vicar's office.
719
00:55:34,373 --> 00:55:39,686
l cannot give absolution to a man who is
about to commit suicide. lt's a mortal sin.
720
00:55:39,773 --> 00:55:43,209
Look, Dago, he is not
committing suicide, only intending to.
721
00:55:43,293 --> 00:55:46,205
So you're not dealing with an act,
but with an intention.
722
00:55:46,293 --> 00:55:51,606
lf it works, he will not commit suicide, so
therefore you're preventing a mortal sin. OK?
723
00:55:51,693 --> 00:55:53,570
Well, l should check.
724
00:55:53,653 --> 00:55:56,247
- Well, you check on it.
- Well, there's...
725
00:56:39,291 --> 00:56:41,122
All right, where you at?
726
00:56:41,211 --> 00:56:43,202
There you go.
727
00:56:43,291 --> 00:56:49,400
Now, then, you've all come here
to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
728
00:56:49,491 --> 00:56:51,766
- Farewell, Walt.
- Dear ol' Walt.
729
00:56:51,851 --> 00:56:57,130
You know, l got an idea that maybe
it's not such a final farewell after all.
730
00:56:57,211 --> 00:57:04,003
l think maybe ol' Walt's goin' on into the
unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
731
00:57:04,091 --> 00:57:07,242
- Huh?
- l just wanna say one thing.
732
00:57:07,331 --> 00:57:11,688
Nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission.
He volunteered for certain death.
733
00:57:11,771 --> 00:57:14,888
- That's true.
- lt's what we award our highest medals for.
734
00:57:14,971 --> 00:57:18,361
- That's beautiful.
- That's what being a soldier is all about.
735
00:57:18,451 --> 00:57:20,806
- Oh, yeah. Hear! Hear!
- Yes. Yes.
736
00:57:20,891 --> 00:57:25,806
Gentlemen, l think there's only one person
who has anything to add to that.
737
00:57:25,891 --> 00:57:29,930
- And that's Dago Red.
- Oh, the padre. Let's hear it for the padre.
738
00:57:36,611 --> 00:57:39,409
Walt, here's... here's your black capsule.
739
00:57:42,771 --> 00:57:45,604
Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it?
740
00:57:45,691 --> 00:57:48,080
l think l better go lie down over there.
741
00:57:50,131 --> 00:57:52,691
Walt, that'll help you.
742
00:57:54,731 --> 00:58:00,283
Through early morning fog l see
743
00:58:00,771 --> 00:58:05,481
Visions of the things to be
744
00:58:05,571 --> 00:58:10,850
The pains that are withheld for me
745
00:58:10,931 --> 00:58:13,445
l realise
746
00:58:13,531 --> 00:58:19,527
And l can see
747
00:58:19,611 --> 00:58:23,570
That suicide is painless
748
00:58:24,331 --> 00:58:28,483
lt brings on many changes
749
00:58:28,571 --> 00:58:37,445
And l can take or leave it if l please
750
00:58:37,531 --> 00:58:41,683
The game of life is hard to play
751
00:58:41,771 --> 00:58:45,559
l'm going to lose it anyway
752
00:58:45,891 --> 00:58:49,884
The losing card l'll someday lay
753
00:58:49,971 --> 00:58:56,080
So this is all l have to say
754
00:58:56,571 --> 00:59:00,246
- That suicide is painless
- Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.
755
00:59:00,531 --> 00:59:04,444
- lt brings on many changes
- lt's out there.
756
00:59:04,531 --> 00:59:12,882
- And l can take or leave it if l please
- l'll always remember you just like this.
757
00:59:12,971 --> 00:59:16,646
The only way to win is cheat
758
00:59:16,731 --> 00:59:20,849
And lay it down before l'm beat
759
00:59:20,931 --> 00:59:24,810
And to another give my seat
760
00:59:24,891 --> 00:59:29,601
For that's the only painless feat
761
00:59:29,691 --> 00:59:31,886
Painless.
762
00:59:31,971 --> 00:59:35,281
Suicide is painless
763
00:59:35,931 --> 00:59:39,765
- lt brings on many changes
- Nice party. Thanks for asking me.
764
00:59:39,851 --> 00:59:44,925
- And l can take or leave it if l please
- Thing is...
765
00:59:45,011 --> 00:59:47,605
you're throwing your whole education away.
766
00:59:50,291 --> 00:59:54,603
- And you can do
- Good night, Jawbreaker.
767
00:59:54,691 --> 00:59:58,001
The same thing
768
00:59:58,091 --> 01:00:04,087
lf you please
769
01:00:25,411 --> 01:00:27,322
Hi, baby.
770
01:00:27,411 --> 01:00:29,402
- Hi.
- l'm glad you could come.
771
01:00:30,491 --> 01:00:32,209
Sorty it was so late.
772
01:00:32,291 --> 01:00:35,920
That's OK. l really couldn't
sleep anyway. l'm so nervous.
773
01:00:42,851 --> 01:00:44,842
You leavin' tomorrow?
774
01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:49,964
Yeah. l'll be on my way in less than 12 hours.
775
01:00:51,651 --> 01:00:56,122
l suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on though is your husband.
776
01:00:57,531 --> 01:01:00,523
Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?
777
01:01:01,611 --> 01:01:05,968
A man would be more considerate to his wife.
He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.
778
01:01:06,651 --> 01:01:11,486
- Stop using logic cos you're just proving...
- lt could be an impersonal thing.
779
01:01:11,571 --> 01:01:13,801
..why l shouldn't go to bed with you.
780
01:01:14,891 --> 01:01:16,882
l didn't mean me.
781
01:01:20,171 --> 01:01:26,007
You have the rare privilege that happens
to chief executives of states or nations.
782
01:01:26,091 --> 01:01:30,164
You have the privilege
of restoring a human being's life
783
01:01:30,251 --> 01:01:32,367
by a tender act of mercy.
784
01:01:33,211 --> 01:01:36,999
What is this? Oh, Hawkeye, is he dead?
785
01:01:37,931 --> 01:01:40,126
No, no.
786
01:01:40,211 --> 01:01:42,202
He's not dead. Not yet.
787
01:01:43,491 --> 01:01:47,643
Painless has a psychological problem,
and you're the only person who can help him.
788
01:01:47,731 --> 01:01:51,246
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.
789
01:01:51,331 --> 01:01:56,530
No, Maria. You've gotta look on this as a
nurse. Painless needs it for therapeutic value.
790
01:01:56,611 --> 01:02:00,889
lt will help him, and it wouldn't do you
any harm either to think about it for a bit.
791
01:02:00,971 --> 01:02:05,408
lf you think that your virtue is more important
than Painless's life, that's fine.
792
01:02:05,491 --> 01:02:10,007
l just want you to stay here
and be with him for a minute.
793
01:02:10,091 --> 01:02:12,207
Just look at him.
794
01:02:12,291 --> 01:02:16,967
- Just stay close to the whole man...
- Oh, Hawkeye!
795
01:02:18,211 --> 01:02:20,202
and look at him.
796
01:02:24,691 --> 01:02:26,488
Hawkeye!
797
01:02:28,531 --> 01:02:30,522
Oh, this is ridiculous.
798
01:03:06,091 --> 01:03:10,084
You forgot your hat! You wouldn't
wanna leave without a souvenir.
799
01:03:10,171 --> 01:03:12,162
Have a good trip.
800
01:03:13,451 --> 01:03:16,887
Lieutenant Schneider,
you forgot your travelling orders. Wait.
801
01:03:16,971 --> 01:03:20,805
You're supposed to pick...
These are your travelling orders.
802
01:03:25,251 --> 01:03:28,243
- Morning, Painless.
- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
803
01:03:28,331 --> 01:03:30,128
How's she goin'?
804
01:03:30,211 --> 01:03:32,361
Slept like a doll last night.
805
01:03:32,451 --> 01:03:37,081
Well, can't waste time. Big day.
Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman.
806
01:03:38,411 --> 01:03:40,402
Have a good day.
807
01:04:02,211 --> 01:04:04,008
Attention. Attention.
808
01:04:04,091 --> 01:04:08,607
Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held... will not be held this Friday,
809
01:04:08,691 --> 01:04:10,727
due to mitigating circumstances.
810
01:04:10,811 --> 01:04:15,646
For those who wish to observe said holiday,
Sunday has been reserved. That is all.
811
01:04:15,731 --> 01:04:18,404
Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
812
01:04:19,651 --> 01:04:23,883
- That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
- So are you, but you don't know it.
813
01:04:23,971 --> 01:04:27,805
- lt's in pretty deep.
- l think that was my finger.
814
01:04:27,891 --> 01:04:30,963
l need your help, Hawkeye.
lt's hit more than a lung.
815
01:04:31,051 --> 01:04:33,884
- What do you think?
- l don't know.
816
01:04:33,971 --> 01:04:35,529
- Hey, Radar.
- Yes.
817
01:04:35,611 --> 01:04:38,330
Has that A negative come in from Seoul?
818
01:04:38,411 --> 01:04:41,960
- We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
- How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?
819
01:04:42,291 --> 01:04:44,122
Good. He's ready.
820
01:04:44,211 --> 01:04:46,281
Pickups and irrigation, please.
821
01:04:48,491 --> 01:04:49,890
Give me some gel foam.
822
01:04:51,051 --> 01:04:53,246
Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.
823
01:05:01,891 --> 01:05:03,847
Scissors.
824
01:05:03,931 --> 01:05:06,320
- Sponge.
- More sponges.
825
01:05:06,411 --> 01:05:10,643
- Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.
- Rib spreader.
826
01:05:10,731 --> 01:05:15,247
- Clamp.
- Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
827
01:05:15,331 --> 01:05:17,128
- Lot of blood.
- Sponge.
828
01:05:17,211 --> 01:05:20,601
- Scissors. Watch it.
- Give me something to stuff it in with.
829
01:05:20,691 --> 01:05:23,000
- Pickups for me.
- How's he tolerating this?
830
01:05:23,091 --> 01:05:25,810
- Good. He's young.
- Things get slippety.
831
01:05:25,891 --> 01:05:29,520
- You're a backhanded guy.
- Let me have the forceps and a sponge stick.
832
01:05:29,611 --> 01:05:33,206
Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.
833
01:05:33,291 --> 01:05:36,408
- Thanks, Trapper.
- Put enough blood in him, John.
834
01:05:36,491 --> 01:05:39,847
There's a clot on the cava above the atrium.
Must be the point of entty.
835
01:05:39,931 --> 01:05:41,728
Clamp.
836
01:05:44,291 --> 01:05:47,203
l feel a fragment right underneath the clot.
837
01:05:47,291 --> 01:05:49,327
- You control the cava.
- OK.
838
01:05:49,411 --> 01:05:52,005
- We gotta stop that spurting.
- Clamp.
839
01:05:52,091 --> 01:05:54,446
- Do what?
- Stop the spurting.
840
01:05:54,531 --> 01:05:56,681
That's a vety good technical term.
841
01:05:57,411 --> 01:06:01,370
Christ. lt's not in the cava.
lt's in the pulmonaty artety on the left side.
842
01:06:01,451 --> 01:06:05,922
- OK. Let me close him up and sit on it for...
- We can't sit on it. What if we're jammed up?
843
01:06:06,011 --> 01:06:10,004
We don't have the blood!
lf you cut again, you'll lose him.
844
01:06:10,091 --> 01:06:13,925
Look, Hawkeye, the artety can erode.
845
01:06:14,011 --> 01:06:16,400
Now's the time to take our shot.
846
01:06:16,491 --> 01:06:19,403
- A negative.
- You said you didn't have any blood.
847
01:06:19,491 --> 01:06:20,685
l found a donor.
848
01:06:20,771 --> 01:06:25,447
Up close, all crumpled up like that,
they don't look like much, you know.
849
01:06:25,531 --> 01:06:27,761
Was he loaded or empty when he crashed?
850
01:06:27,851 --> 01:06:30,411
He was loaded, but it didn't matter much.
851
01:06:30,491 --> 01:06:33,847
You see, the two guys
he was cartying were dead already.
852
01:06:33,931 --> 01:06:35,728
What about the pilot?
853
01:06:35,811 --> 01:06:40,168
Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap and he lost
the function in his right hand, but he's great.
854
01:06:40,251 --> 01:06:43,527
l didn't hear. What colour was her hair?
855
01:06:43,611 --> 01:06:46,171
Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.
856
01:06:46,251 --> 01:06:51,279
Black? You like black?
l... l'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
857
01:06:51,691 --> 01:06:56,287
l knew it. l knew you had
an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.
858
01:06:56,371 --> 01:06:58,362
- Hear! Hear!
- Go to hell, Captain Pierce.
859
01:06:58,451 --> 01:07:03,844
You know l damn near puke evety time l look
at her. 'Sides, l'll bet she's not a real blonde.
860
01:07:03,931 --> 01:07:08,686
How dare you say that about
an officer of the United States Army, sir?
861
01:07:08,771 --> 01:07:12,844
l'll not only say it,
but l'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?
862
01:07:12,931 --> 01:07:15,729
You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.
863
01:07:15,811 --> 01:07:18,530
OK, but who's gonna be
the poor schmuck who finds out?
864
01:07:18,611 --> 01:07:22,923
Well, l could, if no one else wants... l...
865
01:07:23,011 --> 01:07:28,039
No, no. We...
We gotta all see it together somehow.
866
01:07:41,651 --> 01:07:45,166
lt's five minutes after the time
the nurses shower. Where are they?
867
01:07:45,251 --> 01:07:47,242
They will be here.
868
01:07:48,051 --> 01:07:50,042
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.
869
01:07:51,171 --> 01:07:53,162
- What's happening?
- Radar...
870
01:07:54,011 --> 01:07:55,444
- See the papers?
- What?
871
01:07:55,531 --> 01:07:58,170
You don't know about
the papers the colonel left?
872
01:07:58,251 --> 01:08:01,323
- Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
- l tried to.
873
01:08:03,611 --> 01:08:06,125
Here you go, here you go. They're comin'.
874
01:08:14,811 --> 01:08:17,120
- Evelyn, could you give me a hand?
- Sure.
875
01:08:17,211 --> 01:08:20,647
Hey, Frankie, could you
take a look at my corns, please?
876
01:08:21,691 --> 01:08:25,127
Knocko, the pictures of my kids have come.
877
01:08:25,211 --> 01:08:28,009
- Hot Lips, would you like to see them?
- l'm not interested.
878
01:08:28,091 --> 01:08:30,082
Hey, Scorch.
879
01:09:41,931 --> 01:09:43,728
Bravo!
880
01:09:44,691 --> 01:09:47,569
Bravo! Bravo!
881
01:09:49,811 --> 01:09:52,803
Bravo! Author! Bravo!
882
01:09:55,331 --> 01:09:58,209
Bravo! Author! Author!
883
01:09:58,291 --> 01:10:00,407
20 bucks, huh?
884
01:10:00,491 --> 01:10:02,083
You win the bet.
885
01:10:02,171 --> 01:10:04,207
Oh! That's it!
886
01:10:15,251 --> 01:10:17,446
- Major, what went on?
- Where's Blake?
887
01:10:17,531 --> 01:10:21,046
- You can't see Colonel Blake.
- You shut up, you twerp!
888
01:10:27,651 --> 01:10:31,041
This isn't a hospital! lt's an insane asylum!
889
01:10:31,131 --> 01:10:35,522
And it's your fault because
you don't do anything to discourage them!
890
01:10:36,131 --> 01:10:39,043
- What do you want me to do?
- Put them under arrest!
891
01:10:39,131 --> 01:10:43,886
See what a court-martial thinks
of their drunken hooliganism!
892
01:10:43,971 --> 01:10:48,442
First they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them get away with it!
893
01:10:48,531 --> 01:10:52,444
And then you let them
get away with everything!
894
01:10:52,531 --> 01:10:59,004
And if you don't turn them over
to the MP this minute,
895
01:10:59,091 --> 01:11:03,562
l... l'm gonna resign my commission!
896
01:11:04,251 --> 01:11:07,687
Goddammit, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.
897
01:11:11,851 --> 01:11:13,842
My commission!
898
01:11:15,091 --> 01:11:17,082
My commission!
899
01:11:17,811 --> 01:11:19,881
My commission!
900
01:11:19,971 --> 01:11:21,848
A little more wine, my dear?
901
01:11:21,931 --> 01:11:23,922
Yes, please.
902
01:11:28,171 --> 01:11:30,162
ls that right?
903
01:11:36,531 --> 01:11:38,522
Come on, baby.
904
01:11:39,331 --> 01:11:43,210
Come on. You all right? Keep it straight, eh?
905
01:11:43,291 --> 01:11:47,284
- First the present, then dinner, then a movie.
- You mean all three of you?
906
01:11:47,371 --> 01:11:50,488
- Where l go, Warren goes.
- You don't want me to go with you?
907
01:11:50,571 --> 01:11:52,368
Well, Boone...
908
01:11:58,171 --> 01:12:01,766
He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.
909
01:12:12,251 --> 01:12:14,242
Hey, soldier!
910
01:12:16,291 --> 01:12:19,567
- Me?
- Yeah, you. Where you from?
911
01:12:19,651 --> 01:12:23,246
- A MASH outfit at the front line.
- No, l mean your hometown.
912
01:12:23,331 --> 01:12:25,481
lt's on the East Coast.
913
01:12:25,571 --> 01:12:27,801
Have you been wounded yet?
914
01:12:30,211 --> 01:12:32,884
Yeah, a little... a slight...
915
01:12:32,971 --> 01:12:37,362
- Would you like to say hello to your mother?
- Well, my mother's dead actually.
916
01:12:37,451 --> 01:12:40,170
Oh. Well, l'm sorty.
917
01:12:40,251 --> 01:12:43,721
- l'd like to say hello to my father, if l could.
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
918
01:12:45,811 --> 01:12:48,006
Hi, Dad.
919
01:13:11,891 --> 01:13:16,487
Excuse me. l am making
an examination of this young man
920
01:13:16,571 --> 01:13:19,244
to find out if he would be
a soldier in our army.
921
01:13:19,331 --> 01:13:22,084
Yeah, l know. Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she goin', boy?
922
01:13:22,851 --> 01:13:25,285
His heartbeat is much too fast
923
01:13:25,371 --> 01:13:28,761
and his blood pressure is dangerously high.
924
01:13:28,851 --> 01:13:30,648
Oh, yeah?
925
01:13:32,251 --> 01:13:34,811
l guess you think he's unfit for the army, eh?
926
01:13:34,891 --> 01:13:39,760
Yes, at first. But when l saw on his paper
he worked in an American hospital
927
01:13:39,851 --> 01:13:43,844
where there are many drugs
and he could have taken some by mistake.
928
01:13:43,931 --> 01:13:46,889
- What would he do a thing like that for?
- Who knows?
929
01:13:46,971 --> 01:13:50,202
To find the truth l will keep him here
for a couple of days.
930
01:13:50,291 --> 01:13:53,442
By tomorrow his fast heart
and high blood pressure may be gone.
931
01:13:53,531 --> 01:13:56,762
- Look...
- So l suggest you say goodbye to him now.
932
01:13:56,851 --> 01:14:00,924
- Doctor, l've...
- lt was a nice tty. Come on, Ho-Jon.
933
01:14:05,291 --> 01:14:07,600
Oh, man!
934
01:14:08,131 --> 01:14:10,725
This is brought to you through Radio Tokyo
935
01:14:10,811 --> 01:14:16,841
by courtesy of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.
936
01:14:16,931 --> 01:14:20,367
A federal court rules that
El Du Pont de Nemours and Company,
937
01:14:20,451 --> 01:14:26,208
Remington Arms Company and the lmperial
Chemical lndustries Limited of Great Britain
938
01:14:26,291 --> 01:14:29,567
have conspired to divide munition...
939
01:14:54,771 --> 01:14:58,480
ldiot! He knocked me down the hill!
He broke my umbrella!
940
01:15:01,011 --> 01:15:04,447
l wish they wouldn't land these things
when we're playing golf.
941
01:15:07,731 --> 01:15:10,962
- That's him on the right. Wait! Wait!
- Captain Mclntyre.
942
01:15:11,051 --> 01:15:13,724
The lieutenant's come from Seoul to see you.
943
01:15:13,811 --> 01:15:16,279
- You're Captain Mclntyre?
- Yes, l'm Captain...
944
01:15:16,371 --> 01:15:21,126
Lieutenant, you look terrible. Captain,
look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
945
01:15:21,211 --> 01:15:24,806
Oh, no, no. Take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.
946
01:15:24,891 --> 01:15:28,281
l haven't seen a case like this
since l was in school. My goodness.
947
01:15:28,371 --> 01:15:31,283
Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgety.
948
01:15:31,371 --> 01:15:33,931
This is one case in five. l think l can save you.
949
01:15:34,011 --> 01:15:36,684
You're to proceed to
Kokura, Japan, immediately.
950
01:15:36,771 --> 01:15:38,682
Kokura, Japan! What's this about?
951
01:15:38,771 --> 01:15:42,889
There's a congressman. Grenade went off
in practice. There's a piece in his heart.
952
01:15:42,971 --> 01:15:45,439
- What?
- Gl's dad's a congressman.
953
01:15:45,531 --> 01:15:48,091
Grenade went off in practice.
Piece in his heart.
954
01:15:48,171 --> 01:15:50,765
- That the X-rays?
- Yeah.
955
01:15:50,851 --> 01:15:54,685
Apparently some big heart surgeon
in Boston told the congressman
956
01:15:54,771 --> 01:16:00,289
the only man to take care of his son
is Captain John Mclntyre.
957
01:16:00,371 --> 01:16:04,887
Of course, l suppose there could be
two Captain John Mclntyres.
958
01:16:04,971 --> 01:16:07,087
No, no, l'm the only John Mclntyre.
959
01:16:07,171 --> 01:16:10,720
Look, Hammond says l can take
someone to assist me. Wanna come?
960
01:16:10,811 --> 01:16:12,881
Yeah.
961
01:16:12,971 --> 01:16:16,486
Lieutenant, l think l can save you.
Take one of these evety half-hour.
962
01:16:16,571 --> 01:16:21,929
Now, get into your helicopter and button up
your shirt! You're in the militaty army!
963
01:16:22,011 --> 01:16:24,923
- lt isn't even close to his heart.
- l know, it's nothing.
964
01:16:25,011 --> 01:16:28,162
But how many times do you get to go
to Japan with your golf clubs?
965
01:16:28,251 --> 01:16:30,242
Come on, Shirley.
966
01:17:00,011 --> 01:17:01,410
Goddamn army.
967
01:17:11,291 --> 01:17:13,282
Goddamn army!
968
01:17:20,611 --> 01:17:22,522
Goddamn army jeep!
969
01:17:26,971 --> 01:17:29,929
Excuse me, could you tell me
where the congressman's son is?
970
01:17:30,011 --> 01:17:32,286
- Ward six.
- Darling, would you register us?
971
01:17:32,371 --> 01:17:36,762
Just a moment!
You can't go in there. Who are you?
972
01:17:36,851 --> 01:17:39,365
- Who am l? The pro from...
- l don't believe you.
973
01:17:39,451 --> 01:17:41,840
You can't go in till l call Captain Peterson.
974
01:17:41,931 --> 01:17:46,800
Wait a second. lf this soldier wants to enforce
her orders, l'll take her on single-handedly.
975
01:17:46,891 --> 01:17:49,963
- Get away!
- You open this.
976
01:17:50,051 --> 01:17:52,849
- He's won two Purple Hearts.
- You can't come in!
977
01:17:52,931 --> 01:17:56,241
- l'll ravage your body.
- l'll call the police. You can't come in!
978
01:17:56,331 --> 01:18:00,927
- You have not seen such a beast!
- l'm gonna call Captain Peterson. Stay away!
979
01:18:05,891 --> 01:18:09,247
- Captain Peterson, please.
- Captain Peterson!
980
01:18:13,811 --> 01:18:19,044
- What are you two hoodlums doing here?
- Ma'am, we are surgeons here to operate.
981
01:18:19,131 --> 01:18:23,488
You can't go near a patient until Colonel
Merrill says it's OK. And he's still at lunch.
982
01:18:23,571 --> 01:18:26,961
Mother, l wanna go to work in one hour.
We are the pros from Dover
983
01:18:27,051 --> 01:18:30,930
and we figure to crack this kid's chest
and go play golf before it gets dark.
984
01:18:31,011 --> 01:18:34,128
So find the gas passer,
have him premedicate the patient,
985
01:18:34,211 --> 01:18:37,920
then bring me the latest pictures on him.
The ones we saw were old.
986
01:18:38,011 --> 01:18:42,448
Then tell the kitchen to rustle us up lunch.
Ham would be fine. Steak would be better.
987
01:18:42,531 --> 01:18:46,843
Then get one nurse who knows how to work
in close without getting her tits in my way.
988
01:18:48,611 --> 01:18:50,602
Oh, you fool.
989
01:18:52,571 --> 01:18:54,960
How do you want your steak cooked?
990
01:19:00,051 --> 01:19:01,848
Towel.
991
01:19:06,811 --> 01:19:10,486
Say the magic words,
you make a hundred dollars.
992
01:19:13,051 --> 01:19:16,088
All right! l demand an explanation.
993
01:19:16,171 --> 01:19:18,480
Somebody get that dirty old man out.
994
01:19:18,571 --> 01:19:20,641
Dirty old ma...
995
01:19:20,731 --> 01:19:22,130
l'm Colonel Merrill.
996
01:19:22,211 --> 01:19:25,521
l don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,
the All-American Boy.
997
01:19:25,611 --> 01:19:29,286
lf this chest gets infected,
l will tell the congressman who did it.
998
01:19:29,731 --> 01:19:32,689
- Scissors, please.
- Will you let me have a skin suture?
999
01:19:32,771 --> 01:19:34,363
Old pickups.
1000
01:19:35,411 --> 01:19:37,879
- Who was that?
- That's Colonel Merrill.
1001
01:19:37,971 --> 01:19:41,168
- This is his little store here.
- Oh, yeah?
1002
01:19:41,251 --> 01:19:43,048
Who are you?
1003
01:19:43,131 --> 01:19:46,203
l'm Dr Jekyll actually.
This is my friend Mr Hyde.
1004
01:19:48,691 --> 01:19:53,685
Why don't you save your rapierlike wit
for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?
1005
01:19:58,251 --> 01:20:02,210
Did l ever tell you about my friend,
Me Lay Marston?
1006
01:20:02,291 --> 01:20:06,364
Oh, yeah. Your friend who would go
around saying ''Me lay, you lay'' to the girls.
1007
01:20:06,451 --> 01:20:10,763
He'd score once out of 50 times.
Yeah, you told me about him.
1008
01:20:10,851 --> 01:20:13,445
He's passing gas for
the congressman's son here.
1009
01:20:13,531 --> 01:20:16,409
Oh, really? When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?
1010
01:20:16,491 --> 01:20:18,163
l don't know.
1011
01:20:18,251 --> 01:20:21,049
- D'you play golf?
- No. l have no time for golf.
1012
01:20:21,131 --> 01:20:25,443
l'm moonlighting down at Dr Yamachi's
New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.
1013
01:20:25,531 --> 01:20:27,328
This old guy l met when l came over.
1014
01:20:27,411 --> 01:20:32,246
He has a crude hospital for kids and finances
it with a whorehouse all in the same building.
1015
01:20:32,331 --> 01:20:35,960
lt's the NEHWH. Come on down
and we'll get something going for you.
1016
01:20:36,051 --> 01:20:39,407
- l've got an in in Kokura!
- Here, soldier, take these.
1017
01:20:39,491 --> 01:20:43,723
Take our golf carts, but don't drop anything
cos we're gonna play golf later.
1018
01:20:43,811 --> 01:20:45,642
Goodbye, pimp.
1019
01:20:45,731 --> 01:20:47,403
- Ladies.
- Girls.
1020
01:20:47,491 --> 01:20:49,686
Gentlemen. Be careful with that...
1021
01:20:50,811 --> 01:20:52,802
Militaty police.
1022
01:21:10,091 --> 01:21:13,128
All right, fellas, the game's over.
1023
01:21:15,131 --> 01:21:17,122
Finally caught up with us, huh?
1024
01:21:19,091 --> 01:21:20,888
Where did we fail?
1025
01:21:20,971 --> 01:21:25,761
l don't know. l think it was the woman.
Something tells me l've seen her before.
1026
01:21:26,331 --> 01:21:28,322
She was the one in Tangiers.
1027
01:21:29,211 --> 01:21:33,409
You can wait in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
1028
01:21:42,971 --> 01:21:44,962
We don't blame you.
1029
01:21:47,891 --> 01:21:49,244
You're only doing yourjob.
1030
01:21:49,331 --> 01:21:53,449
United Press lnternational
today voted the Korean War
1031
01:21:53,531 --> 01:21:58,082
- the top news stoty of 1951.
- We're in the middle of putting.
1032
01:21:58,171 --> 01:22:00,162
My God.
1033
01:22:01,331 --> 01:22:03,720
All right. You men are under arrest.
1034
01:22:04,771 --> 01:22:07,729
- l'll have you court-martialled!
- Come off it, Colonel.
1035
01:22:07,811 --> 01:22:10,200
You don't have us. We have you.
1036
01:22:10,291 --> 01:22:14,887
Your boys blew this case
and we bailed you out.
1037
01:22:15,451 --> 01:22:20,525
Now we are gonna stay here for one more day
and check out the congressman's kid,
1038
01:22:20,611 --> 01:22:24,889
and... get in some golf for ourselves.
1039
01:22:24,971 --> 01:22:27,644
lf that's OK with you, then we got a deal.
1040
01:22:28,291 --> 01:22:30,851
And if it isn't, we can always call Washington
1041
01:22:30,931 --> 01:22:34,924
and you tell them your stoty and
we'll tell them ours. lt's as simple as that.
1042
01:22:35,011 --> 01:22:39,607
ln the meantime we'll be at the pro shop
where we are gonna shower and shave.
1043
01:22:39,691 --> 01:22:43,479
lf you wanna get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.
1044
01:22:48,651 --> 01:22:50,642
ls that a client?
1045
01:23:07,211 --> 01:23:09,202
Excuse me.
1046
01:23:16,731 --> 01:23:18,722
Oh, you tty one.
1047
01:23:19,131 --> 01:23:21,122
- Good?
- Oh, it's terrible.
1048
01:23:26,371 --> 01:23:29,363
Listen, l hate to do this to you fellas,
1049
01:23:29,451 --> 01:23:32,363
but do you think
you could look at a kid for me?
1050
01:23:32,451 --> 01:23:33,645
- Now?
- A kid?
1051
01:23:33,731 --> 01:23:35,847
We had a little carelessness here,
1052
01:23:35,931 --> 01:23:41,210
and the other day one of our girls presented
us with an 8lb American-Japanese boy.
1053
01:23:43,171 --> 01:23:47,961
Whenever we feed him, it either comes
right back up or he coughs and he turns blue.
1054
01:23:48,051 --> 01:23:52,488
We don't have to see him. Just tell that
half-assed hospital to get some Lipiodol
1055
01:23:52,571 --> 01:23:54,368
and we'll take some X-rays.
1056
01:23:54,451 --> 01:23:56,442
We can't get near that place.
1057
01:23:56,531 --> 01:24:00,490
With a civilian, the colonel has a big thing
about it, especially a ''native''.
1058
01:24:00,571 --> 01:24:04,530
Then don't tell him any more than necessaty.
Tell him the pros have an emergency.
1059
01:24:04,611 --> 01:24:10,129
Tell him to get the OR ready and Trapper
and l'll fix his tracheo-oesophageal fistula.
1060
01:24:12,691 --> 01:24:15,125
OK, Me Lay, put him down in here.
1061
01:24:15,211 --> 01:24:17,645
Get him to sleep
as quick as you can, will you?
1062
01:24:17,731 --> 01:24:20,120
- Where did this baby come from?
- Watch him.
1063
01:24:20,211 --> 01:24:22,406
- ls this what you got us up for?
- Yeah.
1064
01:24:22,491 --> 01:24:26,245
We stumbled on him. We don't want him,
but we can't back away from him.
1065
01:24:26,731 --> 01:24:29,086
This time l will not be intimidated.
1066
01:24:29,171 --> 01:24:32,925
l command that this illegal use
of army facilities cease immediately!
1067
01:24:33,011 --> 01:24:36,003
On this point l stand as firm as
the Rock of Gibraltar.
1068
01:24:36,091 --> 01:24:38,730
And furthermore l... You can't do this...
1069
01:24:44,411 --> 01:24:48,768
- This one is for West Point.
- What the Sam Hill's going on here?
1070
01:24:48,851 --> 01:24:52,605
That's what they all say.
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable...
1071
01:24:54,011 --> 01:24:58,209
There's no competition to the Painless Pole,
but it's pretty healthy.
1072
01:24:58,291 --> 01:25:04,048
- We caught you with your pants down!
- Men are fighting on the front line!
1073
01:25:04,731 --> 01:25:06,323
Attention! Attention!
1074
01:25:06,691 --> 01:25:10,604
Colonel Blake has secured for us
''The Halls of Montezuma'',
1075
01:25:10,691 --> 01:25:14,047
so big only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.
1076
01:25:14,131 --> 01:25:18,283
Technicolor. ''Tell it to the Marines'',
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,
1077
01:25:18,371 --> 01:25:20,282
who we now love more than ever.
1078
01:25:20,371 --> 01:25:23,363
Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world.
1079
01:25:23,451 --> 01:25:26,488
Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,
Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,
1080
01:25:26,571 --> 01:25:28,402
the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattety
1081
01:25:28,491 --> 01:25:33,690
through some of the most
interesting war films yet created.
1082
01:25:33,771 --> 01:25:38,891
Due to a possible camp infection,
Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is now off limits.
1083
01:25:38,971 --> 01:25:40,165
That is all.
1084
01:25:40,371 --> 01:25:44,159
- Could l have some longer needles?
- Get this sponge outta the way.
1085
01:25:47,451 --> 01:25:49,965
Cut down on the back. Hey, Dago.
1086
01:25:50,051 --> 01:25:54,442
- Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?
- Yeah, l screwed a kabuki dancer.
1087
01:25:56,731 --> 01:25:59,325
- Let me have the long-fingers.
- lt's OK?
1088
01:25:59,411 --> 01:26:01,720
Yeah, but l can't stop this bleeding.
1089
01:26:04,091 --> 01:26:06,525
- How's the intake, Painless?
- Normal.
1090
01:26:08,051 --> 01:26:12,283
- l'm here if you need me, Henty.
- Oh, l can't talk to you now, Padre.
1091
01:26:12,371 --> 01:26:14,931
No, l mean he's going to be all right, isn't he?
1092
01:26:15,011 --> 01:26:17,809
- Oh, he's going to be fine.
- Oh, good.
1093
01:26:17,891 --> 01:26:20,530
Does anybody else need help?
1094
01:26:20,611 --> 01:26:22,681
Oh, ask around.
1095
01:26:27,811 --> 01:26:29,802
What's he got the flaps down for?
1096
01:26:33,971 --> 01:26:37,520
- Duke! Come on, Duke. Open up.
- What? No, l don't want any.
1097
01:26:37,611 --> 01:26:39,806
Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.
1098
01:26:39,891 --> 01:26:41,882
Who is it?
1099
01:26:46,571 --> 01:26:50,405
- What the hell you doing back here?
- We've been working for hours. Open up.
1100
01:26:50,491 --> 01:26:52,800
Wait a minute. l'll be right with you.
1101
01:27:02,571 --> 01:27:04,163
- Hi, Hot Lips.
- You miss us?
1102
01:27:08,011 --> 01:27:10,002
Shame, shame on you.
1103
01:27:13,011 --> 01:27:14,000
Well...
1104
01:27:17,731 --> 01:27:19,722
- Radar.
- Yes, sir.
1105
01:27:21,091 --> 01:27:23,082
Hold this, please.
1106
01:27:27,011 --> 01:27:30,526
- Colonel Blake.
- Henty? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.
1107
01:27:30,611 --> 01:27:35,162
l've got news for you. You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.
1108
01:27:35,251 --> 01:27:39,369
- Well, it's all over.
- Oh, that's great news, General. Who won?
1109
01:27:39,451 --> 01:27:45,845
Oh, by the way, l have a report here, Henty,
from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.
1110
01:27:46,411 --> 01:27:50,120
She makes some accusations, Henty,
l find pretty hard to believe.
1111
01:27:50,211 --> 01:27:52,725
Don't believe 'em then. Thank you, goodbye.
1112
01:27:52,811 --> 01:27:54,290
Yeah... What?
1113
01:27:54,371 --> 01:27:57,169
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
1114
01:27:59,571 --> 01:28:04,599
Attention. Attention. Friday night's
movie will be ''The Gloty Brigade''.
1115
01:28:04,691 --> 01:28:07,763
Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.
1116
01:28:07,851 --> 01:28:12,879
lt's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side with Greeks... Anzacs,
1117
01:28:12,971 --> 01:28:16,805
showing the world a new way to fight,
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,
1118
01:28:16,891 --> 01:28:19,724
bayonets like bazookas... bullets.
1119
01:28:19,811 --> 01:28:22,723
Starring Victor Mature. That is all.
1120
01:28:22,811 --> 01:28:27,521
l'll be with Colonel Blake. Check this place
out. See what the nurses are like, huh?
1121
01:28:27,611 --> 01:28:29,602
Right, sir.
1122
01:28:30,411 --> 01:28:33,084
- 4077th Mobile Army Surgi...
- Yeah, yeah.
1123
01:28:33,251 --> 01:28:35,606
- Sir, d'you know...
- Yes, l know where he is.
1124
01:28:35,691 --> 01:28:36,885
Oh. All right.
1125
01:28:37,491 --> 01:28:39,482
All right.
1126
01:28:40,251 --> 01:28:42,401
- Thank you.
- Look, Charlie,
1127
01:28:42,771 --> 01:28:46,969
you can't blame Henty because
Hot Lips Houlihan can't stand her name!
1128
01:28:47,051 --> 01:28:50,088
You know, she's just a lady though.
What the hell?
1129
01:28:50,171 --> 01:28:54,881
Come on, for ctying out loud. She's
regular army. She's a fanatic about ritual.
1130
01:28:54,971 --> 01:28:57,087
She won't even let us play football.
1131
01:28:57,171 --> 01:29:00,129
- Football?
- General, she's all lined up, Charlie.
1132
01:29:00,211 --> 01:29:03,009
Yeah. l didn't know you had a football team.
1133
01:29:03,091 --> 01:29:05,685
lt's pretty much in the planning stage.
1134
01:29:05,771 --> 01:29:08,001
No, no, we have a vety fine football team.
1135
01:29:08,091 --> 01:29:12,448
Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th Evac last year.
1136
01:29:12,531 --> 01:29:16,729
- And what a team that was.
- Yeah. l coached the boys myself.
1137
01:29:17,211 --> 01:29:19,884
- He's the finest coach in the Far East.
- Yeah.
1138
01:29:19,971 --> 01:29:23,964
We're ttying to work out a schedule
of the outfits we're gonna play this year.
1139
01:29:24,051 --> 01:29:28,567
Of course, we, you know, throw
a little money into a pot and make bets.
1140
01:29:28,651 --> 01:29:31,768
How much... how much money
do you put into your pot?
1141
01:29:31,851 --> 01:29:35,400
- Five thousand, six thousand.
- Five thousand dollars!
1142
01:29:35,931 --> 01:29:38,923
Look, l don't think we're in
the sort of league you're in.
1143
01:29:39,011 --> 01:29:42,606
Well, l'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.
1144
01:29:42,691 --> 01:29:46,604
- lt can be arranged.
- Yeah. l think l'll talk this over with Henty.
1145
01:29:46,691 --> 01:29:48,647
Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.
1146
01:29:48,731 --> 01:29:51,484
- Thank you.
- What the hell you...?
1147
01:29:51,571 --> 01:29:56,406
Sir, ever since the dark days before Pearl
Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.
1148
01:29:56,491 --> 01:29:58,482
- What the hell is this?
- A helicopter.
1149
01:29:58,571 --> 01:30:01,768
That man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.
1150
01:30:01,851 --> 01:30:04,763
Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?
1151
01:30:04,851 --> 01:30:09,447
We get Henty to apply, make
a specific application for a neurosurgeon.
1152
01:30:09,531 --> 01:30:13,001
He asks for Dr Oliver Harmon Jones.
1153
01:30:13,091 --> 01:30:17,562
- Dr Oliver Harmon Jones?
- Oh, he's... Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?
1154
01:30:17,651 --> 01:30:21,963
He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.
1155
01:30:22,051 --> 01:30:25,930
- He's a good ballplayer.
- Yes! That Negro boy, played with the 49ers.
1156
01:30:26,011 --> 01:30:28,241
- Sure.
- Sure, l remember. He's good.
1157
01:30:28,331 --> 01:30:33,689
Henty, if we had closer relations, we wouldn't
have this misunderstanding, right?
1158
01:30:33,771 --> 01:30:37,764
Now, that's where a football game
would help between your outfit and mine.
1159
01:30:37,851 --> 01:30:39,250
A football game?
1160
01:30:39,331 --> 01:30:43,085
We put up a few bets,
five thousand maybe, and have a little fun.
1161
01:30:43,171 --> 01:30:46,447
Special Services in Tokyo
says it's one of our best gimmicks
1162
01:30:46,531 --> 01:30:48,965
to keep the American
way of life going in Asia.
1163
01:30:49,051 --> 01:30:51,565
- Betting?
- No! Football.
1164
01:30:51,651 --> 01:30:53,721
But what about Major O'Houlihan?
1165
01:30:53,811 --> 01:30:56,530
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her!
1166
01:30:56,611 --> 01:30:59,603
- lt's a helicopter, General.
- l know it's a helicopter!
1167
01:31:00,531 --> 01:31:03,170
l just wondered
about the social problem, you know.
1168
01:31:03,251 --> 01:31:07,449
l mean, he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.
1169
01:31:07,531 --> 01:31:10,728
We got a problem,
we'll stick him in with us, baby boy.
1170
01:31:12,611 --> 01:31:15,603
- You're serious, ain't you?
- Sure, l'm serious.
1171
01:31:17,171 --> 01:31:22,404
lt's enough for me to have to put up with
you two Yankees, but l'm, you know, that's...
1172
01:31:24,371 --> 01:31:27,443
Because of his wife,
or was it a religious problem?
1173
01:31:27,531 --> 01:31:30,603
- lt was a conditioning problem.
- Why you called Spearchucker?
1174
01:31:30,691 --> 01:31:32,761
l used to throw the javelin.
1175
01:31:39,051 --> 01:31:42,282
Right, we're not here to sell lemonade,
we're here to practise.
1176
01:31:42,371 --> 01:31:46,080
But first let's welcome Spearchucker.
ls it all right to call you that?
1177
01:31:46,171 --> 01:31:47,570
Call me whatever you want.
1178
01:31:47,651 --> 01:31:52,441
l want you to know we're all the same here
on the playing field, officers and men alike.
1179
01:31:52,531 --> 01:31:56,046
Now, we're going to begin
with the three basic principles:
1180
01:31:56,131 --> 01:31:59,168
organisation, discipline and teamwork. Now...
1181
01:31:59,251 --> 01:32:03,642
- Pardon me. Mind if we limber up first?
- That's a good idea. You organise that.
1182
01:32:06,291 --> 01:32:10,523
Move that line, hey!
Hold that line, hey!
1183
01:32:10,611 --> 01:32:14,604
All right, Seidman, keep 'em pushin'
that whatever you call it.
1184
01:32:14,691 --> 01:32:18,570
That's good. All right, Hot Lips,
keep their arms and limbs moving.
1185
01:32:20,811 --> 01:32:24,963
Radar, you're a coach.
You're not a corporal, you're a coach,
1186
01:32:25,051 --> 01:32:28,521
so keep them going through there.
Good, Hot Lips.
1187
01:32:28,611 --> 01:32:30,681
All right, Seidman, give 'em five.
1188
01:32:30,771 --> 01:32:33,683
All right, men, take five. Spearchucker.
1189
01:32:38,811 --> 01:32:40,802
We look pretty lousy, don't we?
1190
01:32:40,891 --> 01:32:44,850
For college players that have been
out of training for seven years, yeah, you do.
1191
01:32:44,931 --> 01:32:47,001
l got an idea how we can make some money.
1192
01:32:47,091 --> 01:32:51,846
We leave him out of the first half. We bet half
our money. They roll up some points, OK?
1193
01:32:51,931 --> 01:32:54,570
Second half we stick him in.
We get odds from them.
1194
01:32:54,651 --> 01:32:56,721
We bet the other half. We clean up.
1195
01:32:56,811 --> 01:32:59,484
- Good thinking, Captain.
- Sounds good to me.
1196
01:32:59,571 --> 01:33:02,802
Oh, and l had another idea.
l think we should have some plays.
1197
01:33:02,891 --> 01:33:05,689
Usually in football you have organised plays.
1198
01:33:05,771 --> 01:33:09,047
- Well, if you don't mind, l took the liberty.
- Oh, you have.
1199
01:33:09,131 --> 01:33:11,770
- l drew up seven or eight plays.
- Oh, these are good.
1200
01:33:11,851 --> 01:33:18,120
- l think that's all this bunch can handle.
- Oh, vety good. Yes. Oh, vety, vety good.
1201
01:33:18,211 --> 01:33:19,929
What are these little arrows?
1202
01:33:56,011 --> 01:33:57,842
Right into his hands!
1203
01:34:13,971 --> 01:34:16,531
- Well, it's only six points.
- Six points!
1204
01:34:24,131 --> 01:34:25,689
- lt's only one point.
- One point!
1205
01:34:25,771 --> 01:34:28,160
Who's that number one? We can't stop him.
1206
01:34:28,251 --> 01:34:31,368
They call him Super Bug.
He had one year with the Rams.
1207
01:34:31,451 --> 01:34:35,046
- We can't do anything with him in there.
- You gotta come in. We can't wait.
1208
01:34:35,131 --> 01:34:39,044
No, we stick to our strategy,
but you gotta get him out of the ball game.
1209
01:34:39,131 --> 01:34:41,520
Hey, Davidson! Here!
1210
01:34:41,611 --> 01:34:45,320
Let's ease up just a little bit.
We don't want the score too lopsided.
1211
01:34:51,651 --> 01:34:53,767
He caught it!
1212
01:35:05,931 --> 01:35:08,604
- Who's he giving it to?
- lsn't that Corporal Judson?
1213
01:35:08,691 --> 01:35:11,285
Judson's a lineman! Judson can't run!
1214
01:35:17,171 --> 01:35:20,129
For ctying out loud, Judson,
what're you doin'?
1215
01:35:20,211 --> 01:35:25,968
- Duke, you threw me that ball!
- You had the field open! Why'd you fall?
1216
01:35:26,051 --> 01:35:28,645
l'm no goddamn runner, l'm a lineman.
1217
01:35:30,491 --> 01:35:32,527
We're gonna really clean up today.
1218
01:35:44,251 --> 01:35:47,402
- Ah, it's only two points.
- Two points.
1219
01:35:47,491 --> 01:35:50,927
- What d'you think you are, a cannon?
- What kind of a snap was that?
1220
01:35:51,011 --> 01:35:53,889
We got a lot of money on this game.
This is embarrassing!
1221
01:36:02,251 --> 01:36:05,800
Let's go! Yeah!
1222
01:36:05,891 --> 01:36:08,405
- What happens now?
- We get a free kick.
1223
01:36:08,491 --> 01:36:10,721
A free kick! Girls!
1224
01:36:10,811 --> 01:36:15,202
Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
1225
01:36:39,491 --> 01:36:41,880
- Another six points.
- Another six points.
1226
01:36:45,811 --> 01:36:48,120
Look. Look. He's hurt.
1227
01:36:48,211 --> 01:36:50,122
He's leaving the game!
1228
01:36:50,211 --> 01:36:53,681
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!
1229
01:36:53,891 --> 01:36:57,520
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!
1230
01:36:57,611 --> 01:37:00,079
What the hell's the matter with you? Smith!
1231
01:37:00,171 --> 01:37:03,959
- Those damn bastards pulled something.
- Coach, did l break my 400?
1232
01:37:04,051 --> 01:37:08,727
400! This is not a track meet. This is a football
game. What d'you think l pay you for?
1233
01:37:08,811 --> 01:37:11,325
Get him up. Walk him around. Do something.
1234
01:37:11,411 --> 01:37:15,927
- l think l won the 440.
- 440! This is a football game, goddammit!
1235
01:37:22,451 --> 01:37:25,204
All right, you guys, get in there and kill 'em!
1236
01:37:36,811 --> 01:37:40,008
All right, bub, your fuckin' head
is comin' right off.
1237
01:37:49,451 --> 01:37:51,407
- l'm ready, Coach.
- Ready for what?
1238
01:37:51,491 --> 01:37:55,006
- l'm in the broad jump, Coach.
- Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!
1239
01:37:55,371 --> 01:37:58,443
- Still 16 to nothing.
- 16 to nothing.
1240
01:37:58,531 --> 01:38:01,841
Well, that's not bad.
16 to nothing in the first half.
1241
01:38:01,931 --> 01:38:04,240
l have to give them the old Knute Rockne.
1242
01:38:04,331 --> 01:38:06,765
- About time for the gun.
- Right.
1243
01:38:12,371 --> 01:38:17,650
Men, ever since the dark days before Pearl
Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.
1244
01:38:17,731 --> 01:38:20,120
- Got a towel?
- Henty, have you pressed the bets?
1245
01:38:20,211 --> 01:38:23,089
- Today we are wearing...
- Have you pressed the bets?
1246
01:38:23,171 --> 01:38:26,447
Oh, the bets! Finish the half-time speech.
1247
01:38:27,451 --> 01:38:30,488
Hit 'em with a mortar!
Kick 'em off the hill!
1248
01:38:30,571 --> 01:38:33,847
Mash 'em! Smash 'em!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
1249
01:38:33,931 --> 01:38:37,401
Hot Lips! There's a time
and a place for everything, dammit!
1250
01:38:37,491 --> 01:38:39,607
Oh! Right. Bo-bo.
1251
01:38:39,691 --> 01:38:40,885
Bo! Bo!
1252
01:38:40,971 --> 01:38:43,166
Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.
1253
01:38:45,611 --> 01:38:50,048
- What's the matter with him?
- You oughta know. You pulled something.
1254
01:38:50,131 --> 01:38:53,441
- l guess you don't wanna double the bet.
- The hell l don't.
1255
01:38:53,531 --> 01:38:56,250
We beat you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.
1256
01:38:56,331 --> 01:39:00,563
- Are you prepared to back that up with odds?
- Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.
1257
01:39:13,451 --> 01:39:15,282
Player 24, who is he?
1258
01:39:17,731 --> 01:39:19,084
Stop him!
1259
01:39:20,771 --> 01:39:25,049
Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half.
1260
01:39:25,131 --> 01:39:27,122
Stop him!
1261
01:39:36,131 --> 01:39:38,599
- That's Spearchucker Jones.
- Who?
1262
01:39:38,691 --> 01:39:42,923
He played with San Francisco before he
got drafted. He's gonna be tough to stop, too.
1263
01:39:43,011 --> 01:39:45,366
Henty, you brought in a ringer, did you?
1264
01:39:45,451 --> 01:39:50,286
- Radar, what's the general ttying to say?
- Didn't bring him in in the first half!
1265
01:39:50,371 --> 01:39:54,364
He's just been informed
as to the identity of our Spearchucker.
1266
01:39:54,451 --> 01:39:59,002
- His ringer's spotted our ringer.
- How do you like them apples, Charlie?
1267
01:39:59,091 --> 01:40:03,482
- You can't trust anybody.
- Now watch him make the extra point.
1268
01:40:09,171 --> 01:40:10,365
lsn't that illegal?
1269
01:40:54,011 --> 01:40:58,289
What kind of team is it?
They're falling all around like dead flies!
1270
01:41:07,131 --> 01:41:10,362
Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!
1271
01:41:10,451 --> 01:41:12,442
Hot Lips!
1272
01:41:13,531 --> 01:41:15,328
lt's a penalty, you idiot.
1273
01:41:22,531 --> 01:41:26,490
Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game.
1274
01:41:26,571 --> 01:41:28,368
Judson, kill him!
1275
01:41:35,211 --> 01:41:38,965
What's wrong with you?
We're here to play football, not fight!
1276
01:41:41,611 --> 01:41:44,000
Bastard 88 called me a coon.
1277
01:41:44,091 --> 01:41:46,321
Called you a what?
1278
01:41:46,411 --> 01:41:48,481
Coon.
1279
01:41:48,571 --> 01:41:52,120
OK, that's an old pro trick
to get you thrown out of the ball game.
1280
01:41:52,211 --> 01:41:55,726
- Why don't you do the same thing to him?
- What, call him a coon?
1281
01:41:55,811 --> 01:41:59,963
No, the boys in camp used to talk about
his sister. Her name was Gladys. Use it!
1282
01:42:01,931 --> 01:42:04,081
- Yeah.
- All right, all right.
1283
01:42:22,011 --> 01:42:25,048
What the hell are you doing, for God's sake?
1284
01:42:25,131 --> 01:42:27,122
What's the matter here?
1285
01:42:27,531 --> 01:42:29,522
They're takin' him out.
1286
01:42:35,851 --> 01:42:37,842
69 is divine!
1287
01:42:38,211 --> 01:42:40,520
69 is divine!
1288
01:42:40,611 --> 01:42:45,241
There you go, Charlie. Another
side of beef for your butcher shop.
1289
01:42:45,331 --> 01:42:47,367
Let's get the ball and really go
1290
01:42:47,451 --> 01:42:49,043
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
1291
01:42:49,131 --> 01:42:52,123
- Who's the brunette? She new?
- Yeah, l had her shipped in.
1292
01:42:52,211 --> 01:42:55,283
Yeah. Not bad.
Kill 'em! Kill 'em, goddammit!
1293
01:42:59,371 --> 01:43:01,839
My God! They've shot him!
1294
01:43:01,931 --> 01:43:05,640
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop,
it's the end of the quarter.
1295
01:43:05,731 --> 01:43:09,007
What did l make you a major for?
For a team like that?
1296
01:43:09,091 --> 01:43:11,889
l did the best l could.
l didn't know they'd get a ringer.
1297
01:43:11,971 --> 01:43:15,486
- l ought to put you in and let 'em kill you.
- What about my knee?
1298
01:43:15,571 --> 01:43:19,484
You better get on your goddamn knee
and start prayin'. Trick knee, my ass.
1299
01:43:50,371 --> 01:43:51,804
My God!
1300
01:44:01,531 --> 01:44:03,362
- How's that?
- Did you see that?
1301
01:44:03,451 --> 01:44:06,363
Get the hell back there. Get back there.
1302
01:44:29,211 --> 01:44:32,886
Well, looks like we may make it.
Seconds to go.
1303
01:44:32,971 --> 01:44:35,963
OK, fellows,
we don't have vety much time left.
1304
01:44:36,051 --> 01:44:38,849
l got a special play l wanna run,
a semi-eligible play.
1305
01:44:38,931 --> 01:44:42,287
Line up with evetybody to the right
of the centre except Hawkeye,
1306
01:44:42,371 --> 01:44:45,090
who drops back one yard
before the snap of the ball.
1307
01:44:45,171 --> 01:44:50,006
That makes you the semi-eligible. Just take
the ball from Trapper between your legs
1308
01:44:50,091 --> 01:44:55,802
and hide it under your belly and walk
toward their goal. Right? Now, Trapper...
1309
01:44:55,891 --> 01:44:58,200
All right. Come on.
1310
01:44:58,291 --> 01:45:02,648
- This is only one time. $5,000.
- Worth a tty.
1311
01:45:02,731 --> 01:45:06,929
- lt'd be a miracle.
- Whaddya say, let's do it now!
1312
01:45:07,891 --> 01:45:10,121
Ready?
1313
01:45:10,211 --> 01:45:11,803
Set!
1314
01:45:23,531 --> 01:45:26,125
- What are you doing? Get back!
- l got the ball!
1315
01:45:26,211 --> 01:45:28,202
Run with it!
1316
01:46:54,211 --> 01:46:56,202
- Two dollars
- Two dollars.
1317
01:47:00,051 --> 01:47:02,042
Four dollars.
1318
01:47:02,491 --> 01:47:04,482
Out. l fold.
1319
01:47:06,211 --> 01:47:08,202
Raise you two.
1320
01:47:09,211 --> 01:47:11,361
Raise it another two?
1321
01:47:11,451 --> 01:47:14,648
- l have an Oklahoma.
- Oh, God!
1322
01:47:17,611 --> 01:47:20,762
- What is that?
- Two eights, a ten of spades, a deuce, a five.
1323
01:47:20,851 --> 01:47:23,490
- You win!
- What do you have?
1324
01:47:23,571 --> 01:47:28,361
Tokyo. The United States
Armed Forces Radio is on the air.
1325
01:48:00,491 --> 01:48:02,880
Duke? You busy?
1326
01:48:04,451 --> 01:48:08,444
- What is it?
- Henty's got our orders. We can go home.
1327
01:48:20,051 --> 01:48:23,600
- Right now?
- Any time. Whenever we want.
1328
01:48:24,051 --> 01:48:27,009
D'you mind if we get out
of this guy's brain first?
1329
01:48:31,211 --> 01:48:34,487
Can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.
1330
01:48:34,571 --> 01:48:38,120
- l just...
- Haven't you?
1331
01:48:38,211 --> 01:48:43,126
- l wanna make sure the oozing is checked.
- Damn perfectionist.
1332
01:48:44,891 --> 01:48:46,882
Yeah, well, l'm...
1333
01:48:48,491 --> 01:48:49,480
l'll see you.
1334
01:48:53,891 --> 01:48:58,442
Five goddamn months and they don't even
give a guy time off for good behaviour.
1335
01:48:58,531 --> 01:49:01,489
Hey, see you around.
1336
01:49:01,571 --> 01:49:03,562
lt's possible.
1337
01:49:03,651 --> 01:49:05,642
Take care of the squirrels.
1338
01:49:11,451 --> 01:49:13,442
So long, Pup-Pup.
1339
01:49:15,811 --> 01:49:19,929
Will you go, for Christ's sakes? Go before
they change their minds. Get outta here!
1340
01:49:20,011 --> 01:49:25,722
Oh, God, listen favourably to our prayers
and with your right hand bless this jeep.
1341
01:49:25,811 --> 01:49:30,726
Send your holy angels so that all who ride
in it may be delivered from evety danger.
1342
01:49:30,811 --> 01:49:35,089
And as you granted faith and grace by your
deacon Philip to the man from Ethiopia,
1343
01:49:35,171 --> 01:49:38,243
who was sitting in his chariot
reading holy scripture,
1344
01:49:38,331 --> 01:49:40,845
show the way of salvation to your servants,
1345
01:49:40,931 --> 01:49:44,480
so that, helped by your grace
and always intent on doing good works,
1346
01:49:44,571 --> 01:49:48,246
they may, after all the trials
of their pilgrimage and life on earth,
1347
01:49:48,331 --> 01:49:52,722
attain to everlasting joys
through Christ our Lord. Amen.
1348
01:49:54,051 --> 01:49:58,169
- Captain Pierce, your driver'll be here soon.
- He's here.
1349
01:49:58,251 --> 01:49:59,764
Let's go, driver.
1350
01:50:01,411 --> 01:50:05,086
Attention. Tonight's movie has been ''MASH''.
1351
01:50:05,171 --> 01:50:07,685
Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons
1352
01:50:07,771 --> 01:50:12,128
as they cut and stitch their way
along the front lines.
1353
01:50:12,211 --> 01:50:14,884
Operating as bombs...
1354
01:50:14,971 --> 01:50:18,168
Operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,
1355
01:50:18,251 --> 01:50:22,039
snatching laughs and love
between amputations and penicillin.
1356
01:50:22,131 --> 01:50:24,122
Did Hawkeye steal thatjeep?
1357
01:50:25,331 --> 01:50:28,880
- No, sir. That's the one he came in.
- Vety good. Come along, my dear.
1358
01:50:28,971 --> 01:50:32,247
Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red,
1359
01:50:32,331 --> 01:50:36,609
Painless, Radar, Hot Lips,
Dish and Staff Sergeant Vollmer
1360
01:50:36,691 --> 01:50:39,205
as they put our boys back together again.
1361
01:50:39,291 --> 01:50:44,604
Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould,
Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall,
1362
01:50:44,691 --> 01:50:48,570
Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois,
Roger Bowen, Gaty Burghoff, David Arkin,
1363
01:50:48,651 --> 01:50:52,963
John Schuck, Fred Williamson, lndus Arthur,
Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,
1364
01:50:53,051 --> 01:50:56,885
Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara
Horrocks, Ken Ptymus, Danny Goldman,
1365
01:50:56,971 --> 01:51:00,202
Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy,
G Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.
1366
01:51:00,291 --> 01:51:02,851
- Goddamn army.
- That is all.
1367
01:51:02,931 --> 01:51:04,887
Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn
1368
01:51:04,971 --> 01:51:05,960
ENGLlSH