1
00:00:51,668 --> 00:00:53,863
MELANIE: Good morning, Connor.
Versace is on 1.
2
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:55,470
CONNOR:
Okay.
3
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:59,335
MELANIE: Clear out.
- Good, good, good. Oh, I like this.
4
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,608
Okay, ladies,
do not look at me or the camera.
5
00:01:02,779 --> 00:01:07,341
Just keep doing what you do.
On three. One, two, three.
6
00:01:07,517 --> 00:01:10,850
All right. Reset, I'll be right back.
Pull the backlight down, and stop.
7
00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:13,147
And more martinis around.
Nice work, gentlemen.
8
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,917
MELANIE: Connor wants a re-light on one.
We're moving to Stage 2.
9
00:01:16,092 --> 00:01:18,185
And the Vanity Fair cover
is waiting on two.
10
00:01:18,361 --> 00:01:21,057
WOMAN: Oh, hey, you.
- Hi, Mr. Mead.
11
00:01:21,231 --> 00:01:22,892
Hey. Good morning, ladies.
12
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:25,159
So do you wanna have dinner
with us after?
13
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,893
I'd love to, but I can't.
14
00:01:27,070 --> 00:01:29,538
I'm booked solid, ladies.
But I will find you, okay?
15
00:01:29,706 --> 00:01:31,367
WOMAN:
Okay.
16
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,172
You want me to book them?
17
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,674
CONNOR: Yes.
- Bye.
18
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:38,211
- Separately or together?
- Yes. Ha, ha.
19
00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:43,109
- Good morning, Kalia.
KALIA: Hello.
20
00:01:43,286 --> 00:01:44,378
I'm Connor Mead.
21
00:01:44,554 --> 00:01:46,522
- You're ravishing.
- Well, thank you.
22
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:48,623
Stand here, please.
23
00:01:48,925 --> 00:01:50,984
All right.
24
00:01:51,161 --> 00:01:53,891
Let's get started.
Get rid of the green screen.
25
00:01:54,063 --> 00:01:55,963
- Um, let's cozy up. Give me key light.
- Wha...?
26
00:01:56,132 --> 00:01:59,363
- Bring it over and down six inches.
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
27
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:04,030
And keep the set medic on cue just in case.
Can I have the, um...?
28
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,231
Apples.
29
00:02:05,408 --> 00:02:09,970
- This is my wardrobe.
- That's the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell.
30
00:02:10,146 --> 00:02:13,138
I just wanna let you know
that I'm a huge fan.
31
00:02:13,316 --> 00:02:17,218
Likewise. I mean, I'm not 12 years old
and tone-deaf, so I don't like your music...
32
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,651
...but I really dig your look.
33
00:02:19,823 --> 00:02:22,485
Can we come here and strengthen up
these eyebrows a touch?
34
00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:27,790
- Stay right there. Stay right there.
- So this is it?
35
00:02:27,964 --> 00:02:29,795
This is the picture?
36
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:34,167
- I'm half naked with an apple on my head.
- Yes, you are.
37
00:02:34,337 --> 00:02:37,397
This is the cover of Vanity Fair
from the great Connor Mead?
38
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,132
Well, not quite.
39
00:02:39,309 --> 00:02:43,109
I'd like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi.
She's a Japanese archery champion.
40
00:02:43,279 --> 00:02:44,940
She's gonna be helping us out today.
41
00:02:45,448 --> 00:02:48,315
And you have nothing to fear.
She placed sixth in Beijing.
42
00:02:49,652 --> 00:02:50,914
[CHUCKLES]
43
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,884
Are you joking?
44
00:02:53,056 --> 00:02:54,284
Is he...? Is he joking?
45
00:02:54,991 --> 00:02:57,653
Kalia, chin down, eyes here,
arms to your side.
46
00:02:59,128 --> 00:03:02,029
- Somebody tell me he's joking.
CONNOR: Don't move.
47
00:03:02,198 --> 00:03:03,495
Kako, on my count.
48
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,928
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
49
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:08,434
She didn't even medal!
50
00:03:09,539 --> 00:03:09,606
[KALIA SCREAMS]
51
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,903
[KALIA SCREAMS]
52
00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:15,907
KALIA:
Just listen to my music.
53
00:03:18,147 --> 00:03:20,547
I am more than my look. I am.
54
00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:23,117
Sweetie, you are already gorgeous.
55
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,050
Why do you need
to be good at two things, huh?
56
00:03:26,222 --> 00:03:27,746
MELANIE:
Connor.
57
00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:30,449
- Need your select on the mayor's proofs.
- Now?
58
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,527
And I'm juggling three of your buddies...
59
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,629
...on iChat.
- Does she knock?
60
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:38,028
Sorry. You told me to make sure
you were on the road by 2.
61
00:03:38,201 --> 00:03:39,361
Why?
62
00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:41,196
MELANIE:
Your brother's wedding in Newport?
63
00:03:41,371 --> 00:03:43,601
- That's today?
MELANIE: The rehearsal dinner's tonight...
64
00:03:43,773 --> 00:03:46,833
...at your Uncle Wayne's old estate.
- Oh, God, I gotta get up there.
65
00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:51,811
And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja
on your IM. They keep calling.
66
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:55,178
- Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again?
- Nadja was dinner Friday night.
67
00:03:55,351 --> 00:04:00,516
- Right. Very pretty girl. Didn't say much.
- She's Romanian. Barely speaks English.
68
00:04:00,690 --> 00:04:03,250
Well, that explains it.
Scan these to Mike right away.
69
00:04:03,426 --> 00:04:07,021
I am a touch busy, if you could
take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it.
70
00:04:07,196 --> 00:04:10,290
No. No way. I'm not breaking up with girls
for you, Connor.
71
00:04:10,466 --> 00:04:12,730
That's where I draw the line.
I believe in karma.
72
00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:14,335
Okay.
73
00:04:14,737 --> 00:04:16,568
- Conference them.
MELANIE: Conference them?
74
00:04:16,739 --> 00:04:19,105
CONNOR: Conference them.
MELANIE: Oh, no, you wouldn't.
75
00:04:19,275 --> 00:04:21,140
Oh, yes, I would.
76
00:04:22,578 --> 00:04:24,705
They're conferenced.
Click here to disconnect.
77
00:04:25,214 --> 00:04:27,910
- Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead.
CHARLECE: Hi, Connor.
78
00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:31,019
- Hi.
- Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?
79
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:34,645
Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time
right now, so I'm gonna...
80
00:04:34,824 --> 00:04:37,486
Well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk.
Um...
81
00:04:38,261 --> 00:04:40,092
It's not gonna work out for us.
82
00:04:40,263 --> 00:04:41,855
- Wait, are you kidding me?
- What?
83
00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:44,795
Tell me you're not breaking up
with me on a conference call.
84
00:04:44,968 --> 00:04:47,937
KIKl: But I thought things were going great.
NADJA: You are a womans hater.
85
00:04:48,104 --> 00:04:49,435
Connor Mead hates womans.
86
00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:53,405
No, no, no, I love womans.
I mean, "women," all right?
87
00:04:53,576 --> 00:04:55,601
I love all women.
That's the problem here.
88
00:04:55,778 --> 00:04:59,646
KIKl: No. The problem is you date a girl for
two weeks, get her to fall in love with you...
89
00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:04,378
He takes the love and he hoard it,
like a miser.
90
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,751
Jesus, doesn't anyone
just wanna have fun anymore?
91
00:05:07,924 --> 00:05:08,948
I like to have fun.
92
00:05:09,125 --> 00:05:12,288
All right, then don't listen to these ladies.
They are crazy.
93
00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:15,124
We can still hear you
when you cover the camera, you know.
94
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:17,232
- Right.
- Emotionally retarded.
95
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,300
- You really need therapy.
- You stupid boy.
96
00:05:19,469 --> 00:05:22,370
Ladies, it sounds like you have
an awful lot to discuss, okay?
97
00:05:22,538 --> 00:05:26,099
So I'm gonna jump off,
but feel free to keep talking, okay?
98
00:05:26,275 --> 00:05:32,236
Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time
with each one of you.
99
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,349
I wish you all the best.
100
00:05:34,517 --> 00:05:36,678
- Goodbye.
KIKl: No, we are not done...
101
00:05:36,853 --> 00:05:39,413
You really are as bad as they say.
102
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:43,081
CONNOR:
Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.
103
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,625
Of course, you'd never treat me
that way, right?
104
00:05:45,795 --> 00:05:49,856
No. I just did that for you.
I'm cleaning my plate for the main course.
105
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,091
[LAUGHING]
106
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,862
You're the biggest jerk ever.
In fact, you're even famous for it.
107
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,138
No, really, why am I doing this?
108
00:05:58,307 --> 00:06:01,242
Well, it usually has something to do
with your father.
109
00:06:01,411 --> 00:06:04,380
Oh, please.
I've never even met my father.
110
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:06,940
Well, come to papa.
111
00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,693
[SIGHS]
112
00:07:00,803 --> 00:07:04,034
Okay, here we go.
113
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:09,171
This will have gone like clockwork,
so at 1529 I will say:
114
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,835
"You may kiss the bride."
115
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,878
PAUL: Oh, we should practice that,
shouldn't we?
116
00:07:13,049 --> 00:07:14,073
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
117
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:16,650
JENNY: Oh, God.
- Paulie. Hey.
118
00:07:16,819 --> 00:07:19,344
- Connor. Go around.
CONNOR: Yeah.
119
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,046
He came.
120
00:07:21,224 --> 00:07:22,418
[LAUGHING]
121
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,617
- He came.
- He came.
122
00:07:24,794 --> 00:07:25,852
SANDRA: What's wrong?
- What?
123
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:29,088
Well, you and all but one of my bridesmaids
have slept with him...
124
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:31,790
...so he can't be that bad, right?
- No.
125
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:34,232
- Jenny, soothe the nervous bride.
- Oh, it's fine.
126
00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,172
Hey.
127
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:39,240
PAUL:
Connor.
128
00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:42,101
- Good to see you. Yeah.
- You made it.
129
00:07:42,278 --> 00:07:43,745
- You look great.
- Thank you, man.
130
00:07:43,913 --> 00:07:46,848
PAUL: What do you think about what
we did to Uncle Wayne's old karate dojo?
131
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,643
CONNOR: Whoa.
- I'm psyched.
132
00:07:48,818 --> 00:07:50,786
I didn't think
you were gonna make the rehearsal.
133
00:07:50,953 --> 00:07:52,614
Well, I wanted to get here early...
134
00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:55,723
...make sure you had time
to think about our last conversation.
135
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,225
You know, the one about marriage, love,
never-ending lifelong monogamy?
136
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:01,022
Yes, I definitely thought about it.
137
00:08:01,197 --> 00:08:02,721
- You did? Good, good.
- Yes, I did.
138
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,766
If you're having second thoughts,
here's the key to my Jag.
139
00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:08,631
You give me the word, I'll block.
140
00:08:09,138 --> 00:08:11,333
- Oh, my God, you're serious.
- You're damn right.
141
00:08:11,507 --> 00:08:14,305
Man, I'll do anything for you.
Who's got your back, huh?
142
00:08:14,477 --> 00:08:17,935
Hey, it's you and me
against the world, right?
143
00:08:18,114 --> 00:08:19,775
Why is he giving him keys?
144
00:08:19,949 --> 00:08:22,747
- Why's he giving him keys?
- Oh, I bet he's giving you a car.
145
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,444
- I'm just gonna go check on that.
- Okay.
146
00:08:25,621 --> 00:08:29,387
Connor, we've talked about this.
I wanna get married. I love Sandra.
147
00:08:29,559 --> 00:08:31,993
- You say that now, okay?
- Everything okay here, guys?
148
00:08:32,161 --> 00:08:34,391
Because we're still,
you know, rehearsing.
149
00:08:34,564 --> 00:08:36,589
- Jenny Perotti.
- Connor Mead.
150
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,735
- I'll be damned.
- That's probably true.
151
00:08:39,902 --> 00:08:42,769
- Hey, the bride's unsupervised.
- I'm on it.
152
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,136
- Buddy, we're not done talking about this.
- Done talking about what?
153
00:08:46,976 --> 00:08:49,240
- Options.
- Options.
154
00:08:49,412 --> 00:08:51,573
Yeah, listen to me, Connor.
155
00:08:51,747 --> 00:08:55,843
This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's life.
If you detract from her wedding...
156
00:08:56,018 --> 00:08:59,613
...I will sneak into your room
and cut off your favorite appendage.
157
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,518
Now, the first part sounds nice.
158
00:09:01,691 --> 00:09:04,125
I can make it look like an accident.
Don't push me.
159
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:08,457
Just try to be supportive. Normal.
Just not a train wreck for once.
160
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,861
- I'll be on my best behavior.
JENNY: That worries me.
161
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:13,024
I will, I'll be supportive. Whatever.
162
00:09:13,202 --> 00:09:14,567
- Really?
CONNOR: Yes.
163
00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:15,965
JENNY:
Come on.
164
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:18,902
See? I knew there wouldn't be
any weirdness between you two.
165
00:09:19,075 --> 00:09:23,239
- Connor, you remember Sandra?
- Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra?
166
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,640
You know, it's not too late
to get out, gorgeous.
167
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,078
He's joking.
168
00:09:28,251 --> 00:09:30,048
And you know the bridesmaids.
169
00:09:30,219 --> 00:09:33,586
Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna.
How are you?
170
00:09:33,756 --> 00:09:34,916
- And, uh...?
- Denice.
171
00:09:35,091 --> 00:09:37,651
CONNOR: Nice to meet you, Denice. Ladies.
- Me too. How are you?
172
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,660
PAUL: My groomsmen.
Guys, this is my brother, Connor.
173
00:09:40,863 --> 00:09:42,831
- We've heard the stories, man.
CONNOR: Oh, okay.
174
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:46,059
- An honor to be serving with you.
- And with you.
175
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:48,863
It's "mice" to "neet" you.
Damn it, I blew it.
176
00:09:49,038 --> 00:09:51,131
JENNY: Sorry to break up the bromance,
guys, but...
177
00:09:51,307 --> 00:09:53,935
...I need you right here
where I can keep my eyes on you.
178
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,635
- Absolutely.
- Are we ready?
179
00:09:56,812 --> 00:09:57,904
Yes, sorry, sarge.
180
00:09:58,414 --> 00:10:00,609
Sarge?
Are they getting married by a cop?
181
00:10:00,783 --> 00:10:03,980
Sergeant Major Volcom,
United States Marine Corps.
182
00:10:04,153 --> 00:10:06,951
I am not a cop.
183
00:10:08,424 --> 00:10:12,258
- Where'd you find this ray of sunshine?
PAUL: He's Sandra's dad.
184
00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:15,522
Sarge, this is my brother, Connor.
Connor, this is the sarge.
185
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,689
He was ordained right after the war.
186
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:21,234
Little war called Korea.
Perhaps you've heard of it, slick?
187
00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:23,235
Lost more men than Nam.
188
00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:25,772
We didn't get a wall.
We didn't get a movie.
189
00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:29,399
We got a sitcom with Alan Alda
which was all nonstop laughs...
190
00:10:29,578 --> 00:10:31,978
...unless you were the one
watching his friends die.
191
00:10:32,148 --> 00:10:34,673
The war's over, Dad. It was a tie.
192
00:10:34,850 --> 00:10:37,717
You know, we should probably try
to keep going on schedule.
193
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,253
- Hua.
- Hua.
194
00:10:40,423 --> 00:10:44,484
Following the kiss at 1530 hours,
on my mark...
195
00:10:44,660 --> 00:10:46,628
...groom will take bride's left forearm...
196
00:10:46,796 --> 00:10:50,857
...rotate 180 degrees,
orienting north by northwest.
197
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:53,900
Then I will announce you
as husband and wife.
198
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,061
Following which...
199
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,901
Following which,
you will live happily ever after.
200
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,306
[CHUCKLES]
201
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,104
SANDRA:
Oh, Daddy.
202
00:11:05,781 --> 00:11:08,113
DENICE: So sweet. Oh, my God.
DEENA: That is sweet.
203
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,947
- I'm surrounded by huggers.
- There we go.
204
00:11:12,121 --> 00:11:15,056
- No, we're cool, man.
- Come on.
205
00:11:26,369 --> 00:11:29,805
Hey, Uncle Wayne.
206
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:36,802
Ah, the world's a lot less fun
without you in it, buddy.
207
00:11:41,584 --> 00:11:43,916
Oh, no. Oh, no.
208
00:11:44,086 --> 00:11:47,578
No decorations in here. No.
209
00:11:47,757 --> 00:11:50,248
No. No.
210
00:11:50,426 --> 00:11:52,656
And, yes.
211
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:53,852
No.
212
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:59,666
- No! Wha...? What did...? What the...?
- Something wrong?
213
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,629
I got over 30 scented candles
in my room.
214
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,537
- Oh, the wedding scent is lavender.
- The wedding scent?
215
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,645
- And people wonder why I'm not married.
- Not really.
216
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:14,510
I mean, seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne
is rolling over in his grave right now.
217
00:12:14,683 --> 00:12:16,651
No, come on. Wayne loved a good party.
218
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:20,880
Party, yes. A wedding? No.
Back in the day that man used this place...
219
00:12:21,056 --> 00:12:25,584
...for mind-numbing, clothing-optional,
weeklong orgies, okay?
220
00:12:25,761 --> 00:12:28,059
Do you know Dean Martin
slept in that bathroom?
221
00:12:28,230 --> 00:12:31,358
He drank from the bidet
and sang the Canadian national anthem...
222
00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:32,831
...in Spanish.
- In Spanish.
223
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:38,599
- Yeah, I remember Wayne telling us that.
- Yeah. Now that, that was a party. Not this.
224
00:12:40,576 --> 00:12:43,875
You know, people were taking bets
on whether or not you'd even show up.
225
00:12:44,046 --> 00:12:46,446
- Miss my kid brother's wedding?
- That's what I said.
226
00:12:46,615 --> 00:12:50,073
The whole asshole thing you do
is to get insecure women to sleep with you.
227
00:12:50,252 --> 00:12:54,086
- Deep down, you're a big sweetheart.
- Oh. Look who's got me pegged.
228
00:12:54,256 --> 00:12:58,056
And there's the sarcasm to cover up
the accidental display of affection for Paul.
229
00:12:58,227 --> 00:12:59,694
Hey.
230
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,053
I'm not covering anything up.
231
00:13:02,798 --> 00:13:07,963
And I would also be more than happy to
take off the rest of my clothes to prove it.
232
00:13:08,137 --> 00:13:12,369
Then there's the cheap sexual innuendo.
All the old Connor Mead tricks are back.
233
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:15,704
Well, don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
234
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,870
I won't tell anyone you have feelings.
235
00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:21,717
ALL:
Hua!
236
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,651
ALL:
Hua!
237
00:13:26,088 --> 00:13:27,282
Oh, gosh.
238
00:13:27,456 --> 00:13:31,790
- Okay. Yeah, it didn't work. Still nervous.
- Let's do another one.
239
00:13:31,961 --> 00:13:35,362
- Sandy, what about him?
- Dan Palumbo. Married.
240
00:13:35,531 --> 00:13:36,930
Oh. Kids?
241
00:13:37,099 --> 00:13:39,397
What? They're not really married
unless they have kids.
242
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:40,796
BOTH:
Hua.
243
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:43,837
- Heard, understood, acknowledged.
- Sandy.
244
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,931
Save some liquor
for the rest of the guests.
245
00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:49,168
- Bye, Mrs. Mead.
- Clean my room, pledge.
246
00:13:54,550 --> 00:13:57,018
Slow down. Slow down.
247
00:13:57,753 --> 00:13:58,913
- Hey.
- Here you are, sir.
248
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,182
CONNOR: If you can keep those coming
all night. Thank you.
249
00:14:02,358 --> 00:14:04,258
And now we're off.
250
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,791
- Excuse me, Mr. Mead?
- Mm-hm.
251
00:14:05,961 --> 00:14:08,293
I just wanna tell you,
I'm a huge fan of your work.
252
00:14:08,464 --> 00:14:11,194
- Thank you.
- Gonna photograph your brother's wedding?
253
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:14,659
No. No, I'm not a wedding photographer.
254
00:14:14,837 --> 00:14:18,000
JEFF: Right, but it's your brother.
- Right.
255
00:14:18,173 --> 00:14:21,870
He's not good at taking pictures of people
with their clothes on.
256
00:14:22,044 --> 00:14:24,205
- Look who's funny.
- It's not his specialty.
257
00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:25,404
[PHONE RINGING]
258
00:14:25,581 --> 00:14:27,481
- Ah.
- Turn your phone off.
259
00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:29,347
Connor Mead.
260
00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,615
No, I would not like to cut my quota.
261
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,085
JENNY: Connor.
- Look, just tell him to go screw himself.
262
00:14:34,256 --> 00:14:36,781
- Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself.
- Hey.
263
00:14:37,259 --> 00:14:40,251
CONNOR: Like when a man and a woman...
I gotta go. Gotta go.
264
00:14:40,429 --> 00:14:42,294
- Hi.
SANDRA: Oh, my God.
265
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,489
- Sit down before you...
- Oh, my God.
266
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,328
- What?
- What is this?
267
00:14:46,502 --> 00:14:50,632
- Endive arugula salad. You did well...
- No, no, no. The salad I ordered had figs.
268
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:54,708
Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton.
This is...
269
00:14:55,744 --> 00:14:59,646
This is a disaster. My friends and family
didn't come all the way over here...
270
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:02,579
...to be met with some lackluster salad.
Where are the figs?
271
00:15:02,751 --> 00:15:05,311
Excuse me, where are the figs?
Because I want some figs!
272
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,421
Sweetie? Sweetie. Hi.
273
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:08,921
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
274
00:15:09,091 --> 00:15:10,558
Hi.
275
00:15:10,726 --> 00:15:13,286
Okay, look, you're right, okay?
You did order figs.
276
00:15:13,462 --> 00:15:16,522
But, uh, everyone seems
to be loving the salad, right?
277
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:19,190
- Anybody missing figs?
- The dressing is a panoply...
278
00:15:19,368 --> 00:15:21,734
...of flavors.
- It's really good salad.
279
00:15:23,072 --> 00:15:25,404
JENNY: A lot to recommend, this salad.
- Okay. Sorry.
280
00:15:25,574 --> 00:15:29,101
- There she is. All right, she's back.
- I'm sorry, everyone. I just...
281
00:15:29,278 --> 00:15:32,975
It's my wedding and...
Well, I'm not usually a massive bitch.
282
00:15:33,148 --> 00:15:35,514
- She kind of is.
- Ha, ha. Stop it.
283
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:39,085
I just really want everything
to start out perfectly.
284
00:15:39,254 --> 00:15:42,189
I mean, I only plan on getting married
four or five times, tops.
285
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,258
Oh, sweetie.
286
00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:46,018
Oh, which reminds me, Connor.
287
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,062
Sandy and I wanted to know
if you would make a toast tomorrow.
288
00:15:49,231 --> 00:15:50,562
What?
289
00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:54,598
- Yeah. We'd like that.
PAUL: I know it's not really your thing...
290
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:57,967
...but it is kind of a tradition
for the best man to give a toast.
291
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:00,734
- Could be super short.
- Super long, whatever you want.
292
00:16:00,909 --> 00:16:03,434
- They kidding? Are you kidding?
- Yes.
293
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:04,670
- No.
- Yes.
294
00:16:04,847 --> 00:16:08,749
No, you're the only family I got here,
so I thought you could say something.
295
00:16:08,917 --> 00:16:11,317
I don't think this is the best idea
you've ever had.
296
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:13,785
- I'm with Jenny.
- You can scrounge up a cousin...
297
00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:15,787
No, no, no. Come on, you're my brother.
298
00:16:15,958 --> 00:16:18,153
You're funny, you're articulate,
you're smart.
299
00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:22,787
- True, true and true. Um, I'm flattered, but...
- lf you're not gonna take pictures...
300
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:26,093
...it's the least you can do.
- Who the hell is this guy?
301
00:16:26,268 --> 00:16:27,462
- Who's that?
- Jeff.
302
00:16:27,636 --> 00:16:32,005
I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, okay?
303
00:16:32,174 --> 00:16:35,769
I can't toast this.
304
00:16:35,944 --> 00:16:38,811
- Come on.
- This always happens. All Scotch, no carbs.
305
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:42,314
Is there a bread basket? You know what,
let's talk about something else.
306
00:16:42,484 --> 00:16:44,008
So, um, when do you catch your flight?
307
00:16:44,186 --> 00:16:47,087
Paulie, you know where I come out
on all this, buddy.
308
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:51,659
To me, marriage is an archaic
and oppressive institution...
309
00:16:51,827 --> 00:16:53,954
...that should a been abolished years ago.
310
00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:58,828
And love? It's magical comfort food
for the weak and the uneducated.
311
00:16:59,001 --> 00:17:01,196
Yeah, it makes you feel all warm
and relevant...
312
00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:05,602
...but in the end, love leaves you weak,
dependant and fat.
313
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:09,771
- Yeah, that might not make the best toast.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
314
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,810
- No. Are you kidding?
PAUL: No, no, no.
315
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,346
No, sweetie, sweetie,
he's being funny, I think.
316
00:17:14,516 --> 00:17:17,644
Better hold your next words
real close, Paco.
317
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:24,055
Believe me, all right? For Paul's sake,
I wish I could believe in all this crap. I do.
318
00:17:24,226 --> 00:17:26,694
And I also wish I could believe
in the Easter bunny...
319
00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:30,320
...the missile shield,
and strippers with a heart of gold, all right?
320
00:17:30,499 --> 00:17:35,061
But, unfortunately, I am condemned
to see the world as it really is.
321
00:17:35,237 --> 00:17:37,637
And love? Love is a myth.
322
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:41,867
Oh, good. Because I was afraid you were
gonna make a really long, cynical speech.
323
00:17:42,678 --> 00:17:43,804
Truth hurts, baby.
324
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:47,248
- Why don't you go?
- Yeah. Why don't I do that?
325
00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:49,384
And I think I'll take my salad with me.
326
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:53,477
Mm. Some figs would've been nice.
327
00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:55,650
[SCOFFS]
328
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,557
[CLEARS THRO AT]
329
00:18:03,031 --> 00:18:06,057
This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
330
00:18:06,235 --> 00:18:08,203
[WAYNE LAUGHING]
331
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,570
You got that right, kid.
332
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,666
Uncle Wayne?
333
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:20,878
Uncle Wayne.
334
00:18:21,049 --> 00:18:23,176
- Uh...
- Ha, ha.
335
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:24,376
You're dead.
336
00:18:24,553 --> 00:18:29,183
Players never die, Dutch.
They just try their luck at a different table.
337
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,019
Whoa, whoa.
338
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,957
Never touch a man
when he's hanging a wire.
339
00:18:34,129 --> 00:18:35,756
You kidding me?
340
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:41,726
Oh, God.
341
00:18:43,739 --> 00:18:45,969
Aqua Velva.
342
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:50,041
What are you...? What are you...?
What are you...? What are you doing here?
343
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,442
I'm here to warn you, kid.
344
00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:54,707
Don't waste your life like I did.
345
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:58,751
What are you talking about?
You had a great life, man.
346
00:18:58,921 --> 00:19:02,448
You're a legend.
The money, the parties, the women, you...
347
00:19:02,624 --> 00:19:06,060
Listen, kid. When the music stops
and you're looking for your slacks...
348
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,856
...none of that stuff matters worth a lick.
349
00:19:09,264 --> 00:19:12,665
Well, there was this one party. Um...
350
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,797
New Year's '68, Philippines.
351
00:19:14,970 --> 00:19:17,768
Me, Stevie McQueen,
17 Lufthansa stewardesses...
352
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:21,501
...and a pile of blow the size of a toaster.
353
00:19:21,677 --> 00:19:23,110
Now that was a good night.
354
00:19:23,278 --> 00:19:25,212
Aw. That sounds like a great night.
355
00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:28,872
Oh, no, I've had a few laughs,
I've chased some tail but, trust me, Dutch...
356
00:19:29,051 --> 00:19:30,643
...you don't wanna end up like me.
357
00:19:30,819 --> 00:19:33,686
- What are you talking about?
- No, no. Save it for the sandman.
358
00:19:33,856 --> 00:19:38,793
I've been watching you,
and you are definitely turning out like me.
359
00:19:38,961 --> 00:19:40,895
Frankly, I mean, who could blame you?
360
00:19:41,063 --> 00:19:45,022
But tonight...
Tonight, things are gonna change.
361
00:19:47,369 --> 00:19:50,270
Tonight you're gonna be visited
by three ghosts.
362
00:19:50,806 --> 00:19:52,774
You have got to be kidding me.
363
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:57,469
And you're gonna be forced to feel things
that you haven't felt for a long time.
364
00:19:57,646 --> 00:20:00,274
Things like feelings, for example.
365
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:05,011
Remember, no matter how much it hurts,
it's all for your own good.
366
00:20:05,187 --> 00:20:09,556
And the stuff that's not for your own good,
it's for my entertainment.
367
00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:11,920
Look, Uncle Wayne, you...
368
00:20:15,097 --> 00:20:16,689
Where'd he go?
369
00:20:22,004 --> 00:20:23,198
[CHUCKLES]
370
00:20:23,872 --> 00:20:26,932
All right, that didn't just happen. Okay.
371
00:20:35,350 --> 00:20:36,817
Uh-oh.
372
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:39,821
Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?
I need you up here, all right?
373
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:42,221
Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?
I need you up here, all right?
374
00:20:42,391 --> 00:20:46,191
Look, you are my assistant
and I need assistance.
375
00:20:46,361 --> 00:20:49,455
Blue Label and give it wings, brother.
Call me.
376
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,176
You feel so real.
377
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,217
Well, they are, honey. A hundred percent.
378
00:21:11,386 --> 00:21:16,380
I'm not sure what you've heard about me,
but I usually like to be bought a drink first.
379
00:21:17,459 --> 00:21:22,226
- You're not who I thought you were.
- Vonda Volcom, mother of the bride.
380
00:21:23,298 --> 00:21:29,862
Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
Please, sit, Vonda Volcom.
381
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:31,596
- Thank you.
- Yes, ma'am.
382
00:21:31,773 --> 00:21:35,174
- Champagne for the lady.
VONDA: Lovely.
383
00:21:35,344 --> 00:21:38,370
- So how long have you been divorced?
- I beg your pardon?
384
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,538
Please. I mean, you're ravishing.
385
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:43,276
No married woman your age
keeps her form this fine.
386
00:21:43,452 --> 00:21:45,079
[LAUGHING]
387
00:21:46,521 --> 00:21:49,581
I've been divorced eight years now.
388
00:21:50,025 --> 00:21:52,425
Sarge and I aren't talking just yet.
389
00:21:53,295 --> 00:21:56,423
- It's juvenile and sad.
- Honey, stop right there.
390
00:21:56,598 --> 00:21:58,259
It's not your fault, okay?
391
00:21:58,433 --> 00:22:02,563
Marriage is a corrupt
and hateful institution.
392
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,673
I covered all of this earlier
at another table.
393
00:22:05,841 --> 00:22:09,641
I wanna ask you something.
When did casual sex become a crime?
394
00:22:09,811 --> 00:22:10,835
[LAUGHING]
395
00:22:11,013 --> 00:22:12,810
CONNOR: I mean,
nowadays being single means...
396
00:22:12,981 --> 00:22:15,609
...what, you've lost your way?
That something is missing?
397
00:22:16,284 --> 00:22:20,880
Never mind that every night
I swim in a lake of sex...
398
00:22:21,056 --> 00:22:24,958
...and they fall asleep
in each others' arms, spooning.
399
00:22:26,328 --> 00:22:29,820
Connor, spooning is nice.
400
00:22:29,998 --> 00:22:32,933
Yeah, but not as nice as forking.
401
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,296
- Am I right?
- Ha, ha. It's true.
402
00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:38,405
Hey, you know what the owner of this place
once told me?
403
00:22:38,573 --> 00:22:42,441
He said, "Keep it light, Dutch.
Keep it light."
404
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:46,274
I never understood
why he called me Dutch...
405
00:22:46,681 --> 00:22:50,947
...but I believe his wisdom still holds.
- That's nice.
406
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:52,984
- I like that.
- Mm.
407
00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:59,120
Listen, darling, before we take this
to the next level, are we off-limits?
408
00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:01,694
I mean, technically we're not family
until tomorrow.
409
00:23:01,863 --> 00:23:04,832
I am extremely flattered.
410
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,993
But, yes, we are definitely off-limits.
411
00:23:09,171 --> 00:23:12,971
That's a shame. I bet you know
your way around a bedroom.
412
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:14,870
You always talk to women like this?
413
00:23:15,744 --> 00:23:17,006
Yes.
414
00:23:17,179 --> 00:23:19,579
VONDA: Does it work?
- Yes.
415
00:23:19,748 --> 00:23:21,238
[LAUGHING]
416
00:23:21,416 --> 00:23:26,547
Well, while I can't be of service to you,
I am sure that she can.
417
00:23:26,721 --> 00:23:31,158
Blonde, six o'clock?
Blue dress, legs up to her chin?
418
00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:35,319
That's the one. She's been eyeing you
the whole time we've been talking.
419
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:38,591
- It's been a real pleasure talking to you.
- Likewise.
420
00:23:38,767 --> 00:23:41,565
CONNOR:
You are truly an inspiration.
421
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,531
SANDRA: Hi. Excuse me.
I'm gonna steal her away just for a second.
422
00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:49,643
Jenny, come with me.
I have to give you your maid-of-honor gift.
423
00:23:49,811 --> 00:23:52,006
Remember that guy
I was telling you about, Brad?
424
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:54,671
No, no. I told you,
I do not want to be set up again.
425
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,546
I've been through it too many times.
Please don't make me.
426
00:23:57,719 --> 00:23:59,744
That's Brad.
427
00:23:59,921 --> 00:24:01,479
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
428
00:24:03,558 --> 00:24:05,025
Okay, but this is the last time.
429
00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:07,957
- How are my teeth?
- Clear. Perfect.
430
00:24:08,830 --> 00:24:11,822
- Just try to play it cool. Just no big deal.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
431
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,628
Brad. This is Jenny.
432
00:24:14,803 --> 00:24:17,499
- Right. The hot, single doctor.
- Hi.
433
00:24:17,672 --> 00:24:19,697
Paul and Sandra
have been talking about you.
434
00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:23,868
I know what car you drive, where you
went to school, how many dogs you have.
435
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:27,742
That is right. You're both animal people.
What are the odds?
436
00:24:27,916 --> 00:24:29,941
- So glad this isn't awkward.
- Right. Ahem.
437
00:24:30,118 --> 00:24:35,454
Oh, I forgot to tell you. Brad loves
to run triathlons too. I know, right?
438
00:24:35,624 --> 00:24:39,617
- Do you wanna go anywhere else?
- Yeah, I thought you'd never ask.
439
00:24:39,961 --> 00:24:42,725
BRAD: Bye.
- You guys have a good time, you crazy kids.
440
00:24:44,199 --> 00:24:46,667
- Hey, Connor.
- Hey.
441
00:24:46,835 --> 00:24:48,097
How you been?
442
00:24:48,270 --> 00:24:52,502
Well, I'm at a wedding,
I'm seeing ghosts in the john.
443
00:24:52,674 --> 00:24:54,665
- I've been better.
- All right.
444
00:24:54,843 --> 00:24:58,745
Well, what were you and Sandra's mom
talking about so intensely?
445
00:24:59,314 --> 00:25:00,747
Casual sex.
446
00:25:03,151 --> 00:25:06,143
So, what's your stance
on casual sex, bridesmaid?
447
00:25:06,321 --> 00:25:10,087
On top. I mean... I'm for it.
448
00:25:10,525 --> 00:25:13,756
Well, speaking of which,
I think I owe you an apology.
449
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:18,298
I've enjoyed the company
of all the other bridesmaids except you.
450
00:25:18,466 --> 00:25:20,331
I mean, you must feel terribly left out.
451
00:25:21,803 --> 00:25:23,031
I do.
452
00:25:23,505 --> 00:25:28,374
Well, I do hope that there's some way
to rectify this injustice.
453
00:25:28,543 --> 00:25:33,139
Well, you know what I always say is,
"To think globally, act locally."
454
00:25:33,315 --> 00:25:34,441
[CHUCKLES]
455
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:37,676
Listen, before I, uh, commence
the launch code:
456
00:25:39,087 --> 00:25:42,955
Are you the one my brother slept with?
Because I don't like to cross swords.
457
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:47,788
Wait, what? Your brother slept
with one of the bridesmaids?
458
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:50,454
Okay, I guess it wasn't you.
459
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:55,092
Okay, from now on, I don't cross swords.
Listen, forget I even brought it up.
460
00:25:55,270 --> 00:25:59,434
Hey, why don't you scamper up
to my room, boil some water...
461
00:25:59,608 --> 00:26:03,100
...get the chicken claw out of my suitcase,
do some light stretching...
462
00:26:03,278 --> 00:26:05,041
...and I will be up in 5?
463
00:26:05,714 --> 00:26:07,773
Chicken claw. Okay.
464
00:26:07,949 --> 00:26:10,474
CONNOR: Chicken claw.
- Okay.
465
00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:15,055
Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper.
Five minutes.
466
00:26:15,223 --> 00:26:19,683
CONNOR: And that's how it's done, son.
That is how it's done.
467
00:26:20,161 --> 00:26:21,321
Does it work on guys?
468
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:24,188
Probably.
469
00:26:24,366 --> 00:26:26,834
- Excuse me, mind if we take these seats?
- No, please.
470
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:29,402
- All right.
- Oh, hello there, friend.
471
00:26:29,571 --> 00:26:31,436
- Hey.
- Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
472
00:26:31,606 --> 00:26:34,040
- This is Brad.
- Frye. Nice to meet you.
473
00:26:34,209 --> 00:26:35,938
Nice to meet you.
474
00:26:36,111 --> 00:26:38,739
You must be the wedding sex
they flew in for Jenny here.
475
00:26:39,414 --> 00:26:42,906
And, uh, you must be the wedding sex
they brought in for everyone else.
476
00:26:43,084 --> 00:26:44,415
[LAUGHING]
477
00:26:44,586 --> 00:26:49,580
He's getting his little blush. He's gotten
that ever since he was a kid. It's adorable.
478
00:26:49,758 --> 00:26:53,421
Oh, honey, if I was jealous, why am I,
at this very moment, heading upstairs...
479
00:26:53,595 --> 00:26:55,688
...to close out my hat trick
of bridesmaids?
480
00:26:58,833 --> 00:27:03,065
Maybe you're terrified of being alone with
your empty hollow soul for even a minute.
481
00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:07,364
- You got a live one here, Brad.
- Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go.
482
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:10,375
- No, Brad, you're staying.
- I'll go.
483
00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,206
Run along, Connor.
484
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:15,213
There's a bridesmaid waiting
to be partially satisfied.
485
00:27:15,383 --> 00:27:16,714
Absolutely.
486
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:20,821
Brad, it's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy
pillow fights, talking about your feelings...
487
00:27:20,989 --> 00:27:23,457
...and sharing massages
with your clothes on.
488
00:27:24,025 --> 00:27:25,549
Jenny.
489
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,054
Connor.
490
00:27:36,671 --> 00:27:38,400
I know...
491
00:27:40,809 --> 00:27:45,143
Brad. Guy probably irons his jeans.
492
00:27:46,281 --> 00:27:47,475
Well, that's more like it.
493
00:27:49,217 --> 00:27:52,778
And how is my little 6-foot,
legs-to-her-chin...
494
00:27:52,954 --> 00:27:56,048
...blond-haired, blue-eyed,
Happy Meal of a bridesmaid?
495
00:27:56,224 --> 00:27:57,919
- Hi, Connor! Ha, ha.
- Whoa!
496
00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:00,288
- Have you missed me?
- Who are you?
497
00:28:00,462 --> 00:28:03,556
What, you don't...? You don't remember?
498
00:28:07,235 --> 00:28:09,430
[HUMMING POISON'S
"NOTHING BUT A GOOD TIME"]
499
00:28:12,707 --> 00:28:14,368
Allison Vandermeersh?
500
00:28:14,976 --> 00:28:18,377
Connor Mead...
501
00:28:19,013 --> 00:28:20,037
...remembers me.
502
00:28:20,482 --> 00:28:22,973
I can die now. I'm just kidding.
I'm totally kidding.
503
00:28:23,151 --> 00:28:25,346
- What are you doing here?
- I'm like a ghost now.
504
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,681
Yeah, the ghost of girlfriends past,
in fact.
505
00:28:29,858 --> 00:28:31,120
[GASPS]
506
00:28:32,894 --> 00:28:34,191
Oh, it tickles a little bit.
507
00:28:36,264 --> 00:28:38,732
- There.
- Connor?
508
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,293
Really? You're gonna outrun a ghost?
509
00:28:46,241 --> 00:28:47,640
[SHOUTS]
510
00:28:49,077 --> 00:28:52,410
We could do this all day, dude.
511
00:28:53,815 --> 00:28:55,612
All right, you're not real.
512
00:28:55,784 --> 00:28:57,479
No, you can't be. You're...
513
00:28:57,652 --> 00:29:00,450
You're just a repressed memory,
activated by all the booze...
514
00:29:00,622 --> 00:29:05,559
...and the trauma of Paulie getting married.
But you, you are not real.
515
00:29:06,094 --> 00:29:08,221
- All right. Well, have a nice trip.
- Whoa.
516
00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:10,730
See you next fall. Ha, ha.
517
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,931
- Is that real enough for you, dude?
- Whoa, watch it.
518
00:29:15,103 --> 00:29:17,663
Be cool. All right,
what are you gonna do to me?
519
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,363
Oh, no, it's gonna be rad, okay?
520
00:29:19,541 --> 00:29:22,374
I am gonna take you back
through all your past girlfriends...
521
00:29:22,544 --> 00:29:26,002
...then you and I can figure out
how you got your head so far up your ass.
522
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,773
Ready, Freddie?
523
00:29:28,683 --> 00:29:29,707
[CONNOR SHOUTS]
524
00:29:32,654 --> 00:29:34,645
[LAUGHING]
525
00:29:37,759 --> 00:29:38,693
Ta-da!
526
00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:39,489
Ta-da!
527
00:29:39,661 --> 00:29:41,322
All right, what the hell's going on?
528
00:29:41,496 --> 00:29:44,863
We're still at your Uncle Wayne's,
only now we're in 1982...
529
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:48,298
...which is, of course,
the summer of your first relationship.
530
00:29:48,470 --> 00:29:49,937
JENNY:
Connor.
531
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:57,208
Oh. Look at how cute you were.
I wanna squeeze you.
532
00:29:57,378 --> 00:29:58,402
- Yes!
ALLISON: Oh.
533
00:29:58,580 --> 00:30:00,309
And we knew who she was, of course.
534
00:30:00,482 --> 00:30:01,642
CONNOR:
Jenny Perotti.
535
00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:06,843
I win, 1:26 for you, 1:20 for me.
I beat you by 6.
536
00:30:07,021 --> 00:30:10,957
No way. It's your birthday.
I let you win as your gift.
537
00:30:11,125 --> 00:30:13,650
Uh-huh. Then what's that?
538
00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:20,429
- Can they see us?
ALLISON: No, we're ghosts.
539
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:24,898
Get out.
540
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,739
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
541
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:32,141
- You're the best, Jenny.
- Really?
542
00:30:32,547 --> 00:30:34,139
What else do you think of me?
543
00:30:35,450 --> 00:30:36,576
Oh.
544
00:30:37,151 --> 00:30:38,345
I don't know.
545
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,956
- You see how young they start?
- Shh. Watch.
546
00:30:42,657 --> 00:30:44,352
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
547
00:30:44,526 --> 00:30:47,757
Line it up, buddy. Get in there.
548
00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:12,919
This doesn't even look like you.
549
00:31:13,087 --> 00:31:14,884
You look like a girl.
550
00:31:16,257 --> 00:31:17,485
What, Connor?
551
00:31:18,393 --> 00:31:20,258
This is my favorite part.
552
00:31:20,428 --> 00:31:22,123
I'm gonna keep it forever.
553
00:31:23,765 --> 00:31:28,225
- "I'm gonna keep it forever."
- I don't think I said that. Did you edit this?
554
00:31:30,004 --> 00:31:31,403
I'm gonna keep it forever.
555
00:31:31,573 --> 00:31:35,703
You sure that wasn't my brother?
He always said fruity stuff like that.
556
00:31:35,877 --> 00:31:38,710
I'm gonna keep it forever.
Forever. Forever.
557
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:40,711
Okay, I get it. I said it.
558
00:31:41,349 --> 00:31:42,873
I'm gonna keep it forever.
559
00:31:44,252 --> 00:31:46,345
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
560
00:31:50,224 --> 00:31:52,818
- Go.
- Wait. This doesn't count.
561
00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:55,394
I wasn't ready, cheater.
562
00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:01,233
Mom and Dad.
563
00:32:03,304 --> 00:32:07,206
ALLISON: This was the summer
before their car accident.
564
00:32:07,609 --> 00:32:08,871
[CHUCKLES]
565
00:32:09,377 --> 00:32:11,607
Look how happy they were.
566
00:32:17,685 --> 00:32:21,553
PRIEST: The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want. He maketh me...
567
00:32:21,723 --> 00:32:25,284
ALLISON: Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny
were all you had left.
568
00:32:26,794 --> 00:32:29,354
She knew you before you became...
569
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:31,259
...you.
570
00:32:34,168 --> 00:32:35,795
CONNOR:
All right.
571
00:32:36,771 --> 00:32:37,863
All right, what's next?
572
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:40,030
[MEN WITHOUT HATS' "SAFETY DANCE"
PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]
573
00:32:46,914 --> 00:32:49,439
Middle school? Really?
574
00:32:54,756 --> 00:32:58,658
- You remember this, right?
- Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out.
575
00:32:59,093 --> 00:33:00,651
ALLISON:
Whoo!
576
00:33:00,828 --> 00:33:02,455
Surely we don't have time for this.
577
00:33:02,630 --> 00:33:06,157
ALLISON: As you and Jenny got older, you
tried to make that super-tough transition...
578
00:33:06,334 --> 00:33:09,599
...from being best friends
to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend.
579
00:33:09,771 --> 00:33:12,501
- This dance is so lame.
- Totally.
580
00:33:14,175 --> 00:33:17,633
I don't know why, but there's something
creepy about the white-glove thing.
581
00:33:17,812 --> 00:33:19,609
Oh, yeah.
582
00:33:22,817 --> 00:33:23,841
Nice move.
583
00:33:24,018 --> 00:33:27,078
Who's "ooh-ing" who,
Franklin Middle School?
584
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:30,053
I'm gonna slow it down right now...
585
00:33:30,224 --> 00:33:36,823
...so guys, grab that special girl
and head on out to the dance floor.
586
00:33:36,998 --> 00:33:38,556
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC
PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]
587
00:33:38,733 --> 00:33:40,598
Ask her to dance, man.
588
00:33:41,069 --> 00:33:43,230
She's begging for it. Ask her.
589
00:33:43,404 --> 00:33:45,895
- So...
- Jenny! Oh, my God, Jenny.
590
00:33:46,074 --> 00:33:50,033
Neil just told Suzy that Pete Hastings
wants to slow dance with you.
591
00:33:50,211 --> 00:33:52,543
Pete Hastings is totally gorge.
592
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:58,381
No, Pete Hastings is now bald and doing
Civil War reenactments on the weekends.
593
00:33:58,553 --> 00:34:01,488
MARISSA:
Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out.
594
00:34:01,656 --> 00:34:04,124
Yeah, and he's a ninth grader,
so that means tongue.
595
00:34:04,692 --> 00:34:07,559
Oh, my God, I can't believe
how lucky you are. Pete Hastings.
596
00:34:07,729 --> 00:34:09,219
[BOTH SCREAM]
597
00:34:15,369 --> 00:34:16,563
Okay, I guess.
598
00:34:16,738 --> 00:34:18,069
MARISSA & CLARISSA:
Yes! Ha, ha.
599
00:34:18,539 --> 00:34:20,063
Yeah, but...
600
00:34:21,042 --> 00:34:22,066
[SIGHS]
601
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:29,407
That dude used to get boners
in the gym shower. Don't sweat it.
602
00:34:29,584 --> 00:34:31,381
But at least he didn't choke.
603
00:34:31,552 --> 00:34:35,579
Hey, I didn't choke, all right?
I could've closed if I wanted to.
604
00:34:35,857 --> 00:34:37,188
[ALLISON CHOKING]
605
00:34:37,358 --> 00:34:40,088
I was being a gentleman.
606
00:34:41,929 --> 00:34:43,055
ALLISON:
I can't breathe.
607
00:34:49,237 --> 00:34:52,502
You know what? You didn't wanna
hit that anyway, little man.
608
00:35:10,892 --> 00:35:14,055
Hey, kid. What's with the waterworks?
609
00:35:14,729 --> 00:35:15,753
Jenny.
610
00:35:17,465 --> 00:35:19,558
- Pregnant?
- No.
611
00:35:19,734 --> 00:35:21,326
Crabs?
612
00:35:22,170 --> 00:35:23,194
No.
613
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,499
Took her to the coat room,
found out she had a tenpin up her dress?
614
00:35:26,674 --> 00:35:28,471
Don't worry, it happens to all of us.
615
00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:30,700
Wait, what?
616
00:35:31,646 --> 00:35:33,773
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
So, what happened?
617
00:35:33,948 --> 00:35:37,543
Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight.
618
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:40,846
Her first kiss. Now everything is ruined.
619
00:35:41,022 --> 00:35:43,490
I don't even know
if we're gonna get married anymore.
620
00:35:43,658 --> 00:35:45,421
Trust me, kid, you dodged a bullet.
621
00:35:45,593 --> 00:35:49,529
You don't wanna be anybody's first kiss,
or their last.
622
00:35:49,697 --> 00:35:52,928
Say what you will,
that man was a visionary.
623
00:35:53,100 --> 00:35:55,830
You know he invented the word "MILF"?
624
00:35:56,003 --> 00:35:59,564
What am I gonna do?
I've never felt this way before.
625
00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:02,538
I feel like someone has punched me
straight in the stomach...
626
00:36:02,710 --> 00:36:05,975
...and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
God, I hate girls!
627
00:36:06,147 --> 00:36:07,444
[TIRES SQUEALING]
628
00:36:09,684 --> 00:36:11,584
That's sissy talk.
629
00:36:11,752 --> 00:36:15,347
Never talk like that
in the stabbing wagon.
630
00:36:15,523 --> 00:36:19,619
- Uncle Wayne, where are your seat belts?
- Again with the sissy talk.
631
00:36:21,562 --> 00:36:24,998
He never wore seat belts. Never.
632
00:36:25,533 --> 00:36:30,402
Look, kid,
I'm, uh, sorry I raised my voice at you.
633
00:36:30,571 --> 00:36:34,302
Being a parent ain't exactly
my chosen profession, you know?
634
00:36:34,809 --> 00:36:40,679
I mean, I can't teach you algebra,
or camping, or even ethics.
635
00:36:42,583 --> 00:36:45,245
But when it comes to dames...
636
00:36:46,354 --> 00:36:49,812
...l've got a gift.
- Really?
637
00:36:50,591 --> 00:36:54,459
Because I will do anything you say.
638
00:36:54,929 --> 00:36:58,524
I never wanna feel like this again. Ever.
639
00:36:58,699 --> 00:37:00,826
Okay, Dutch.
640
00:37:01,235 --> 00:37:02,964
Never again.
641
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,161
Hang on.
642
00:37:10,978 --> 00:37:16,314
- Are we in a bar?
- Think of it like a classroom.
643
00:37:38,406 --> 00:37:41,739
Hiya, Tommy. Two Jacks. Up, please.
644
00:37:41,909 --> 00:37:45,572
Dutch, try that old saddle out for size.
645
00:37:47,815 --> 00:37:51,012
Rule number one: Don't look at them.
646
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:54,416
Dames, they're like horses.
They spook easy.
647
00:37:54,588 --> 00:37:56,453
Cheers, Dutch.
648
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:00,784
[LAUGHING]
649
00:38:00,962 --> 00:38:03,487
Rule number two:
Never soil your wingman.
650
00:38:03,664 --> 00:38:05,894
- Sorry.
- You're learning on your feet.
651
00:38:06,067 --> 00:38:08,797
You know, if we were actually out,
uh, chasing tail tonight...
652
00:38:08,970 --> 00:38:11,438
...l'd turn your gaffe into a funny.
653
00:38:11,605 --> 00:38:15,701
Girls, they love to laugh.
Especially at men.
654
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:20,506
Makes them feel more powerful, which
in turn makes them feel more comfortable.
655
00:38:20,681 --> 00:38:23,616
Which in turn makes them prone
to massive errors in judgment...
656
00:38:23,784 --> 00:38:27,811
...like, having sex with a complete stranger
in the port authority bathroom. Ha, ha.
657
00:38:27,989 --> 00:38:30,219
But I'm not even supposed
to talk to strangers.
658
00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:32,655
No, that's good, that's good.
No talking is good.
659
00:38:32,827 --> 00:38:36,627
No phone numbers, no last names.
Hey, no first names if you can swing it.
660
00:38:36,797 --> 00:38:39,197
Will somebody please
call Child Protective Services?
661
00:38:39,367 --> 00:38:41,062
Shh. Quiet, the prophet speaks.
662
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:44,762
See, kid, an ugly broad, you might as well
take her out behind the shed...
663
00:38:44,939 --> 00:38:47,499
...and put one behind the ear.
That dog won't hunt.
664
00:38:47,675 --> 00:38:50,235
But any dude with a johnson,
he's got a shot...
665
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:55,314
...because cool comes from the inside.
- God, I miss that man.
666
00:38:55,483 --> 00:38:56,950
WAYNE:
So here's a couple of tips.
667
00:38:57,118 --> 00:39:01,953
When you first meet a girl, you give her
two compliments, above the neck.
668
00:39:02,123 --> 00:39:05,581
You tell her she's got nice lips,
nice eyes, nice hair...
669
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:09,321
...she's intelligent, her moral ethics,
whatever crap comes to your mind.
670
00:39:09,497 --> 00:39:12,728
Then, just when she begins to think
that you're another, you know...
671
00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:16,802
...vanilla-nice guy that she can tool around
with all night without getting naked...
672
00:39:17,638 --> 00:39:23,474
...you insult her. Flip the power dynamic,
and you let her know you're here to play.
673
00:39:23,644 --> 00:39:27,910
- Well, Jenny said she doesn't like games.
- Forget about that broad.
674
00:39:28,082 --> 00:39:31,779
- I thought all this was to get her back.
- That's why you gotta forget about her.
675
00:39:31,952 --> 00:39:35,353
It's your feelings for her
that are killing your game.
676
00:39:35,890 --> 00:39:39,724
If there's one thing
that you learn tonight, it's this:
677
00:39:39,894 --> 00:39:45,127
The power of a relationship lies
with whoever cares less.
678
00:39:47,334 --> 00:39:49,097
Amen to that, brother.
679
00:39:49,270 --> 00:39:51,898
One day you're gonna wake up
with some chick, spooning...
680
00:39:52,073 --> 00:39:53,700
...you know, thinking about love.
681
00:39:53,874 --> 00:39:56,001
And at that moment,
you have gotta get up.
682
00:39:56,177 --> 00:39:59,078
Do not walk, don't get your shoes,
run the hell out of there.
683
00:39:59,246 --> 00:40:01,510
Because maybe not the next day
or the next week...
684
00:40:01,682 --> 00:40:05,413
...but sometime in the future,
you're gonna get crushed. Again.
685
00:40:06,220 --> 00:40:08,211
- You don't wanna feel that way, do you?
- No.
686
00:40:08,389 --> 00:40:10,152
- No.
- Yep.
687
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:15,318
Okay, so, uh, let's get down
to brass tacks here.
688
00:40:15,896 --> 00:40:20,299
Say I wanted to pick up
on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock.
689
00:40:20,468 --> 00:40:23,403
Eight o'clock? How did you even see her?
690
00:40:23,571 --> 00:40:26,369
We'll deal with reflective surfaces
at another time.
691
00:40:26,540 --> 00:40:29,373
Should I, uh, get a handful a daisies,
then go:
692
00:40:29,543 --> 00:40:31,511
"Hi, you wanna go to the disco with me?"
693
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,237
Uh...
694
00:40:33,414 --> 00:40:34,438
- No?
- No.
695
00:40:34,615 --> 00:40:37,982
No, because I might as well say,
"I'm a fag. Let's be friends."
696
00:40:38,152 --> 00:40:43,021
So, what would be a smart play?
Have some fun with it. What do you think?
697
00:40:43,757 --> 00:40:45,554
I don't know. I mean...
698
00:40:45,726 --> 00:40:49,355
...you could maybe
talk to the girl next to her?
699
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,293
You know, maybe make her feel jealous?
700
00:40:54,969 --> 00:41:00,908
Hand to God, kid, I never felt
like you were my son until now.
701
00:41:04,445 --> 00:41:08,347
Man, I don't know why we didn't have
this conversation years ago, huh?
702
00:41:08,983 --> 00:41:11,543
Well, that's enough for one night.
Let's hit the bricks.
703
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,584
- But what about the blond?
- No, no, no.
704
00:41:13,754 --> 00:41:17,053
- You gotta throw the small ones back.
- Come on.
705
00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:19,954
- I mean, it just wouldn't be right.
CONNOR: Please?
706
00:41:22,696 --> 00:41:24,288
This elevator's going down.
707
00:41:24,465 --> 00:41:27,662
Here we go.
Watch this move. Watch this move.
708
00:41:30,671 --> 00:41:35,108
I gotta say, I remember
the ladies being a bit more glamorous.
709
00:41:37,545 --> 00:41:38,807
[BOTH LAUGHING]
710
00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:46,917
And that, Dutch, is how it's done.
That's how it's done.
711
00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:48,987
But you just struck out.
712
00:41:49,156 --> 00:41:53,490
You know, just because she's not into that
doesn't mean I'm not.
713
00:41:55,362 --> 00:41:56,920
I've got a gift.
714
00:41:58,399 --> 00:42:03,063
Oh, well, hello, darling.
What took you so long? Hi.
715
00:42:03,237 --> 00:42:04,670
And you were never the same.
716
00:42:05,573 --> 00:42:07,268
Come on. Whoo!
717
00:42:13,647 --> 00:42:15,205
CONNOR:
Vicky's basement.
718
00:42:15,382 --> 00:42:18,874
Yeah, I'd recognize that bachy smell
from anywhere.
719
00:42:19,053 --> 00:42:21,681
ALLISON: Oh, I know, it smells good.
Oh, there's Jenny.
720
00:42:22,256 --> 00:42:25,885
You didn't see her for two years
while you learned at the hand of the master.
721
00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:31,154
BO Y:
Hey, Connor's here.
722
00:42:38,939 --> 00:42:42,238
I, uh, got the new Poison.
723
00:42:45,012 --> 00:42:46,604
It's Connor Mead.
724
00:42:46,780 --> 00:42:50,011
CLARISSA: I heard his uncle homeschooled
him in Vegas for the last two years.
725
00:42:50,184 --> 00:42:52,084
MARISSA:
Really? I heard it was Bangkok.
726
00:42:54,521 --> 00:42:57,183
BO Y 1: Okay, it has been too long.
BO Y 2: Yeah!
727
00:42:57,358 --> 00:42:59,918
GIRL 1: Yeah!
GIRL 2: All right!
728
00:43:01,562 --> 00:43:03,792
- Nice move, buddy.
- Yeah.
729
00:43:03,964 --> 00:43:07,798
See, the worst part about your
uncle's advice was it actually worked.
730
00:43:07,968 --> 00:43:09,401
Thank God, Uncle Wayne.
731
00:43:11,405 --> 00:43:13,600
MARISSA:
He so doesn't wanna talk to you.
732
00:43:13,774 --> 00:43:16,709
He looks like Duran Duran, both of them.
733
00:43:19,146 --> 00:43:21,546
Look, it's me.
Oh, my God, it's me, it's me. Ha, ha.
734
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:28,948
Oh, my God.
We dated for the next 39 minutes...
735
00:43:29,123 --> 00:43:32,854
...and it was the best two-thirds of an hour
in my young life.
736
00:43:34,728 --> 00:43:37,060
Look at how happy we were.
737
00:43:37,231 --> 00:43:41,964
But, alas, our love was not meant to be.
738
00:43:43,737 --> 00:43:46,365
I mean, you didn't get the girl
that you really loved...
739
00:43:46,540 --> 00:43:49,236
...but you did get every other girl
in high school.
740
00:43:49,410 --> 00:43:53,312
Starting with me that very night.
You remember that, your first time?
741
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:58,383
- No, no, no. I don't wanna see that.
- Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very...
742
00:43:58,552 --> 00:43:59,576
It's over.
743
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:11,220
Connor Mead's first sex partner.
It's like, I feel...
744
00:44:11,398 --> 00:44:15,232
I feel like Neil Armstrong.
It's really the only thing I could equate...
745
00:44:15,402 --> 00:44:18,235
...you know, to what I did for you.
746
00:44:18,405 --> 00:44:22,933
You know, him on the moon,
me with you, it's like he was the first.
747
00:44:23,444 --> 00:44:25,674
You know, like,
Jenny was your first love...
748
00:44:25,846 --> 00:44:29,577
...but you had to grow 12 inches of hair
before you saw her again.
749
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:33,584
Now, to my way of thinking,
every woman is beautiful in some way.
750
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:37,087
I just have to figure out how.
I've gotta see it, I've gotta frame it...
751
00:44:37,257 --> 00:44:38,315
...l've gotta focus it.
752
00:44:38,492 --> 00:44:39,584
[POPS]
753
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,660
And then I shoot it.
Yeah, and it's immortalized.
754
00:44:41,829 --> 00:44:44,525
WOMAN: Jenny, you want another Zima?
JENNY: Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
755
00:44:44,698 --> 00:44:46,666
CONNOR:
Jenny Perotti.
756
00:44:47,034 --> 00:44:48,763
Connor Mead.
757
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:51,268
- Hey.
CONNOR: Hey, it's me.
758
00:44:51,438 --> 00:44:54,032
- You look gorgeous, darling.
- Oh.
759
00:44:54,208 --> 00:44:56,540
Thank you, darling.
760
00:44:56,710 --> 00:44:59,372
Uh, ladies, you're gonna have to excuse me
for a moment.
761
00:44:59,546 --> 00:45:03,312
I must buy a drink for the girl who blew
me off for Pete Hastings in high school.
762
00:45:03,484 --> 00:45:06,419
- I didn't blow you off, you choked.
CONNOR: I was slow playing you.
763
00:45:06,587 --> 00:45:07,986
- You choked.
- Excuse us for...
764
00:45:08,155 --> 00:45:10,555
Slow playing me?
For what, 10 years? Please.
765
00:45:10,724 --> 00:45:12,919
All right, maybe I choked.
766
00:45:13,093 --> 00:45:15,618
- So... Yeah.
- Jenny Perotti.
767
00:45:15,796 --> 00:45:17,855
What are you doing with all the women?
768
00:45:18,031 --> 00:45:20,966
I work for Herb Ritts.
You know, the famous photographer?
769
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:23,535
- You're a photographer?
CONNOR: I am.
770
00:45:23,937 --> 00:45:26,997
- I gave you your first camera.
CONNOR: You sure did.
771
00:45:27,174 --> 00:45:29,870
- So, what are you...? What are you doing?
JENNY: I'm a doctor.
772
00:45:30,043 --> 00:45:32,534
- Well, first-year resident, but...
- Yeah.
773
00:45:32,713 --> 00:45:35,978
- But Herb Ritts. God, that's impressive.
- Yeah, I'm his second shooter.
774
00:45:36,150 --> 00:45:38,914
JENNY: That's great.
- I bank north of 150K a year.
775
00:45:39,086 --> 00:45:42,544
- It's totally killer, I love my job. Hector.
- Yeah?
776
00:45:42,723 --> 00:45:45,749
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
777
00:45:45,926 --> 00:45:49,692
JENNY: I can't believe you just said that.
- I can't believe I just said that either.
778
00:45:49,863 --> 00:45:53,196
You told me your salary, and then
spoke Spanish to the old white guy.
779
00:45:53,367 --> 00:45:56,097
- You're totally cheesy now.
- Get out. I am not.
780
00:45:56,270 --> 00:45:59,364
- You gonna try to get me in the sack now?
- I'm the same old Connor.
781
00:45:59,540 --> 00:46:02,031
Damn right I'm gonna try
and get you in the sack now.
782
00:46:02,209 --> 00:46:04,677
Look at you, you are gorgeous.
What did you think?
783
00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:08,110
I was inviting you over here to have a drink
just to see how you been?
784
00:46:09,216 --> 00:46:11,844
- How have you been?
- Great.
785
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:15,284
Pete Hastings and I are still together,
madly in love.
786
00:46:15,456 --> 00:46:19,017
- Damn it. I knew it.
- We live in a split-level in Jersey. It's love.
787
00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:22,754
- That son of a bitch.
- Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue.
788
00:46:22,930 --> 00:46:25,125
And every now and then
I put on the red dress...
789
00:46:25,299 --> 00:46:27,733
CONNOR: No, pink. Pink dress.
...let him cup my bottom.
790
00:46:27,901 --> 00:46:30,096
- The hot-pink dress.
- What?
791
00:46:30,270 --> 00:46:35,333
That's the dress you were wearing when
you were dancing with Pete instead of me.
792
00:46:35,509 --> 00:46:37,136
WOMAN:
Hey, Jen?
793
00:46:37,778 --> 00:46:39,143
We're leaving.
794
00:46:39,313 --> 00:46:41,679
But we can wait...
795
00:46:42,249 --> 00:46:43,716
Um...
796
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,881
Nope. I'm going, thanks.
797
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:52,014
- Whoa, just like that?
- Well, it was great seeing you.
798
00:46:52,192 --> 00:46:53,750
- Jenny.
- Take care.
799
00:46:53,927 --> 00:46:55,918
- Hang on a second.
- Come on.
800
00:46:56,096 --> 00:46:58,360
You gotta at least give me your number.
801
00:46:58,532 --> 00:47:01,126
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, doc.
802
00:47:01,301 --> 00:47:05,362
I have a medical condition that I need to see
you about, and by law you have to help me.
803
00:47:05,539 --> 00:47:07,302
- What's your medical condition?
- Broken heart.
804
00:47:07,474 --> 00:47:08,498
[CHUCKLES]
805
00:47:08,675 --> 00:47:11,371
Come on. Come on, we'll go out.
We'll have fun.
806
00:47:11,545 --> 00:47:14,878
We'll have a little dinner,
have a little sex.
807
00:47:15,115 --> 00:47:17,743
- Okay, okay, just sex.
- How about just dinner?
808
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:19,078
[GRO ANS]
809
00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:20,311
JENNY:
Fine. Suit yourself.
810
00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:23,454
He's all yours, girls.
811
00:47:23,991 --> 00:47:27,586
All right, dinner's good. Dinner's good.
812
00:47:28,061 --> 00:47:30,291
Yeah. I love dinner.
813
00:47:30,464 --> 00:47:32,728
You know what?
I'm pretty hungry right now.
814
00:47:32,900 --> 00:47:35,801
- What do you say?
- All right. Well, on one condition.
815
00:47:35,969 --> 00:47:36,993
We gotta...
816
00:47:37,538 --> 00:47:40,006
We gotta button you up.
You look like a gay pirate.
817
00:47:42,009 --> 00:47:45,410
- Am I gonna have to call a cab for you?
- No, no, I live here.
818
00:47:45,579 --> 00:47:46,603
Oh, nice building.
819
00:47:46,780 --> 00:47:48,645
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- You could upgrade...
820
00:47:48,815 --> 00:47:52,148
...if you banked north of 150K a year...
- And fifty thousand dollars!
821
00:47:52,319 --> 00:47:53,843
...like I do!
822
00:47:54,021 --> 00:47:57,286
JENNY: You gotta learn to say that
in Spanish for Hector.
823
00:47:57,457 --> 00:48:00,790
Wow, that self-deprecating shtick
really works.
824
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:03,828
I might have to put that back
in my playbook.
825
00:48:03,997 --> 00:48:07,455
I'm genuinely concerned that you might be
missing the entire point of this.
826
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:11,263
- Good night.
CONNOR: Well, hang on a second.
827
00:48:11,438 --> 00:48:14,134
Let me help you carry your luggage up.
828
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:18,938
- No. We just met today, sort of.
- What are you talking about?
829
00:48:19,112 --> 00:48:20,136
- No.
- Hey.
830
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:22,839
We've known each other our whole lives.
831
00:48:23,016 --> 00:48:25,143
It's been too great a night
to end it out here.
832
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,445
You've gotten really good at this.
833
00:48:30,857 --> 00:48:34,258
But you cannot come up.
I don't want this to be a one-night thing.
834
00:48:34,928 --> 00:48:37,556
So you've gotta woo me.
835
00:48:37,731 --> 00:48:41,223
Why woo when we can just do?
836
00:48:41,401 --> 00:48:42,868
- Ha, ha.
- Huh?
837
00:48:43,036 --> 00:48:45,664
The wooing is actually not for my benefit.
838
00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:49,608
Mm.
839
00:48:56,483 --> 00:48:59,975
I can't believe she called me
on my crap like that.
840
00:49:00,887 --> 00:49:03,981
That is not at all how I remember it.
841
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:08,650
So, what's next?
842
00:49:08,829 --> 00:49:12,731
Well, now we're gonna watch
a romantic montage of you and Jenny...
843
00:49:12,899 --> 00:49:15,527
...set to Cyndi Lauper's
"Time After Time."
844
00:49:19,006 --> 00:49:20,371
[SHOUTING]
845
00:49:43,630 --> 00:49:46,030
Awake me when
there's an action sequence, will you?
846
00:49:46,199 --> 00:49:47,666
Shh.
847
00:49:47,834 --> 00:49:49,358
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
848
00:49:52,639 --> 00:49:54,732
- Hello, ladies, how are you?
- Oh, good.
849
00:49:56,343 --> 00:49:57,970
JENNY:
Great. Thank you so much.
850
00:49:58,145 --> 00:50:01,444
Everything was great.
Do you have a dessert menu?
851
00:50:05,218 --> 00:50:06,242
What are you...?
852
00:50:12,292 --> 00:50:16,524
ALLISON: And then,
after several weeks of wooing...
853
00:50:21,168 --> 00:50:23,102
Ah, here we go.
854
00:50:24,171 --> 00:50:25,536
Whoo!
855
00:50:29,209 --> 00:50:31,177
CONNOR:
Oh, yeah.
856
00:50:32,412 --> 00:50:34,004
That was amazing.
857
00:50:34,181 --> 00:50:38,174
I can't imagine why.
We only had 20 years of foreplay.
858
00:50:38,351 --> 00:50:39,978
[CHUCKLES]
859
00:50:52,365 --> 00:50:54,492
CONNOR:
Oh, yeah.
860
00:51:00,407 --> 00:51:02,568
- What are you doing?
- Uh, I gotta get home.
861
00:51:02,743 --> 00:51:05,405
I got something early in the morning
I gotta take care of.
862
00:51:05,579 --> 00:51:08,309
Yeah, me too. The alarm is already set.
863
00:51:08,782 --> 00:51:12,240
Look, Jenny, I don't, uh, stay over,
you know what I mean?
864
00:51:12,419 --> 00:51:16,219
Wait, Connor, listen.
There are two types of women in this world.
865
00:51:16,389 --> 00:51:20,052
Women you shag and leave,
and women you shag and snuggle.
866
00:51:20,227 --> 00:51:23,196
Regrettably,
I'm the shag-and-snuggle kind.
867
00:51:23,363 --> 00:51:27,356
So you have 3 seconds
to get back in this bed where you belong...
868
00:51:27,534 --> 00:51:30,196
...and where, deep down,
you actually wanna be.
869
00:51:30,370 --> 00:51:33,806
Or you can march out of my apartment
and never call me again.
870
00:51:33,974 --> 00:51:35,498
One...
871
00:51:36,076 --> 00:51:37,600
...two...
872
00:51:42,616 --> 00:51:43,742
Three.
873
00:51:48,588 --> 00:51:51,421
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
874
00:51:52,726 --> 00:51:56,287
This is the moment
you truly fell in love with Jenny.
875
00:51:56,696 --> 00:51:58,891
You completely let her in.
876
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:03,894
And this is the moment that you realized
you were spooning.
877
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,868
So you did what you do best.
878
00:52:30,697 --> 00:52:32,426
[GRO ANS]
879
00:52:38,538 --> 00:52:40,130
CONNOR:
All right, I don't wanna see this.
880
00:52:40,307 --> 00:52:41,331
Of course not.
881
00:52:41,508 --> 00:52:42,634
[PHONE RINGING]
882
00:52:44,344 --> 00:52:45,902
I called.
883
00:52:46,079 --> 00:52:48,547
Good. I don't remember calling.
884
00:52:48,715 --> 00:52:50,307
Hello?
885
00:52:50,817 --> 00:52:52,341
Oh.
886
00:52:53,720 --> 00:52:55,654
No, this is Dr. Perotti.
887
00:52:56,957 --> 00:52:58,857
Okay. Yup.
888
00:52:59,025 --> 00:53:01,084
I'll be there in 15.
889
00:53:01,995 --> 00:53:03,656
Okay, good.
890
00:53:12,539 --> 00:53:17,602
And that was the last stop
before you officially became Connor Mead.
891
00:53:19,112 --> 00:53:22,343
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
892
00:53:31,625 --> 00:53:35,322
After Jenny, your relationships
grew shorter and shorter.
893
00:53:35,495 --> 00:53:38,362
So short, in fact, that it would be easier
to do this in bulk.
894
00:53:38,531 --> 00:53:41,091
- You remember Amy, the stewardess?
- Hey, Connor.
895
00:53:41,268 --> 00:53:46,467
We had plane sex somewhere over Albany.
And Rochester. And South Bend, Indiana.
896
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:48,232
Triple whammy.
897
00:53:49,009 --> 00:53:51,000
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
You slept with my sister.
898
00:53:51,177 --> 00:53:53,737
I was Shawna back then.
A waitress at the Palm.
899
00:53:53,914 --> 00:53:56,712
- We had coatroom sex on my smoke break.
- That was you?
900
00:53:56,883 --> 00:54:00,341
[IN CHINESE]
901
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:03,846
WOMAN 1:
We dated for two days.
902
00:54:04,024 --> 00:54:05,753
- For an hour.
- For 48 seconds.
903
00:54:05,926 --> 00:54:07,985
WOMAN 2: We had sex in your car.
- On your car.
904
00:54:08,161 --> 00:54:09,526
While I washed your car.
905
00:54:09,696 --> 00:54:11,891
- You never called me again.
- Never called again.
906
00:54:12,065 --> 00:54:15,660
Every time you slept with me,
you called me Jenny.
907
00:54:16,136 --> 00:54:18,263
CONNOR:
Right. How much more of this do I have?
908
00:54:18,438 --> 00:54:19,666
Um, a lot.
909
00:54:21,207 --> 00:54:22,606
CONNOR:
Oh, wow.
910
00:54:22,776 --> 00:54:25,506
Okay, this is getting kind of weird.
911
00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:28,580
WOMAN 3: We miss you, Connor.
WOMAN 4: Connor, stay with us.
912
00:54:28,748 --> 00:54:31,376
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
913
00:54:31,551 --> 00:54:34,019
WOMAN 5: I need you, Connor.
CONNOR: Hey, back off.
914
00:54:35,422 --> 00:54:38,823
CONNOR: Get off!
WOMAN 6: I'm obsessed with you, Connor.
915
00:54:38,992 --> 00:54:40,357
CONNOR:
Get off!
916
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:42,188
WOMAN 7: I love you, Connor!
- Get...
917
00:54:42,762 --> 00:54:44,229
Ow!
918
00:54:44,397 --> 00:54:46,024
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
919
00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:47,996
Nightmare.
920
00:54:49,736 --> 00:54:51,226
Alcohol.
921
00:54:51,404 --> 00:54:55,238
It's not complicated.
Our guests are represented by the Allies.
922
00:54:55,408 --> 00:54:58,070
VOLCOM:
Paul, you and your guests are Nazis.
923
00:54:58,244 --> 00:54:59,836
I'll try not to read into that, sir.
924
00:55:00,013 --> 00:55:02,914
VOLCOM: Blue frogmen are non-requisite
support personnel.
925
00:55:03,083 --> 00:55:06,314
Waiters, photographers, caterers,
band members and so forth.
926
00:55:06,486 --> 00:55:09,046
Oh, Donna, look.
You got a grenade launcher.
927
00:55:09,222 --> 00:55:12,385
Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers.
Thank you.
928
00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:15,221
Daddy, you're not showing off
your seating chart, are you?
929
00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:19,832
VOLCOM: Oh, come on. It's perfect.
DONNA: It's really impeccable.
930
00:55:21,301 --> 00:55:22,996
DEENA:
I didn't even get a machine gun.
931
00:55:23,169 --> 00:55:25,296
Alcohol. Alcohol.
932
00:55:29,676 --> 00:55:31,075
Alcohol.
933
00:55:37,384 --> 00:55:39,545
What's left in here?
934
00:55:40,186 --> 00:55:41,813
All right.
935
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,020
[GRO ANS]
936
00:55:46,359 --> 00:55:47,917
[GRO ANS]
937
00:55:52,932 --> 00:55:54,399
Oh. Oh. Uh...
938
00:55:54,567 --> 00:55:56,262
Not good.
939
00:55:56,970 --> 00:56:00,030
Okay, not good. Not good.
Where's the leg?
940
00:56:00,707 --> 00:56:02,140
Okay.
941
00:56:04,210 --> 00:56:05,609
[GRO ANING]
942
00:56:11,151 --> 00:56:13,517
Something to hold you up.
943
00:56:13,686 --> 00:56:15,153
Bottle.
944
00:56:16,156 --> 00:56:17,487
Okay, that'll work.
945
00:56:21,528 --> 00:56:24,361
Okay, sarge and Sandy.
946
00:56:24,531 --> 00:56:26,294
Yeah, there you go.
947
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:28,764
And Paul and Mrs. Volcom.
948
00:56:28,935 --> 00:56:30,402
VONDA:
Try to keep up, son.
949
00:56:30,570 --> 00:56:33,232
- Then the rest of the wedding party joins in.
- Hey.
950
00:56:33,406 --> 00:56:35,499
- All right.
- Here we go.
951
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:39,301
Watch out for the flowers.
952
00:56:42,082 --> 00:56:44,550
- Would you like to dance?
- Oh, thank you...
953
00:56:44,717 --> 00:56:46,810
...but I'm just watching the...
- Jenny, dance.
954
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,613
Come on.
955
00:56:50,757 --> 00:56:52,850
Oh, nice frame.
956
00:56:53,026 --> 00:56:54,618
I see.
957
00:56:57,797 --> 00:56:59,059
Where'd you learn to dance?
958
00:56:59,232 --> 00:57:02,099
- I spent some time in Colombia.
- What, are you a drug mule?
959
00:57:02,268 --> 00:57:03,826
No, Doctors Without Borders.
960
00:57:04,003 --> 00:57:08,064
- I know, he's perfect.
- Shut up.
961
00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:20,448
Hey! Shh, shh.
962
00:57:25,291 --> 00:57:26,315
[BOTH LAUGHING]
963
00:57:26,559 --> 00:57:31,622
- What else are you ridiculously good at?
- He's certified in shiatsu massage.
964
00:57:31,798 --> 00:57:33,129
Is it weird that I know that?
965
00:57:33,299 --> 00:57:35,062
- Yeah.
- A little. Ha, ha.
966
00:57:55,655 --> 00:57:57,316
[CRASH THEN CONNOR SCREAMS]
967
00:58:00,693 --> 00:58:01,785
[SCREAMS]
968
00:58:01,961 --> 00:58:04,589
What's going...? Oh, God.
969
00:58:04,764 --> 00:58:07,096
Oh, my God, the cake.
Did you see what happened?
970
00:58:07,267 --> 00:58:08,598
Oh, my God.
971
00:58:08,768 --> 00:58:12,033
Okay, look, these things
are not very well-engineered, all right?
972
00:58:12,205 --> 00:58:14,765
They're very rickety.
973
00:58:14,941 --> 00:58:18,399
- Here we go.
- No!
974
00:58:18,578 --> 00:58:21,513
I can totally fix this.
975
00:58:23,850 --> 00:58:28,082
If it's any consolation,
the cake really wasn't very good.
976
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:33,786
You had a piece?
977
00:58:33,960 --> 00:58:37,828
Look, it splattered into my mouth
upon impact, all right?
978
00:58:37,997 --> 00:58:44,197
- It was unavoidable.
- It is a wedding cake, you stupid bitch.
979
00:58:44,370 --> 00:58:46,998
Not a rehearsal-dinner cake!
980
00:58:47,173 --> 00:58:49,368
- I hate you!
- No, no, no, Sandy, Sandy. Release.
981
00:58:49,542 --> 00:58:50,941
- Release. Release.
- Aah! Aah!
982
00:58:51,744 --> 00:58:53,678
VOLCOM:
He's not worth it, sweetheart.
983
00:58:53,846 --> 00:58:56,508
I'm fine. I'm fine.
984
00:58:56,683 --> 00:58:58,947
I am a lady.
985
00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:01,712
I am a professional.
986
00:59:02,255 --> 00:59:04,485
And I'm fine.
987
00:59:05,158 --> 00:59:08,650
PAUL: Let's get out of here.
- Okay, see if you can stabilize the bride.
988
00:59:08,828 --> 00:59:12,093
I've got the cake and childcare.
Brad, some shiatsu for Sandra, please?
989
00:59:12,265 --> 00:59:13,823
Let's see some happy faces.
990
00:59:14,234 --> 00:59:15,292
Big happy, big happy.
991
00:59:15,468 --> 00:59:17,493
Oh, where do you think you're going?
992
00:59:18,238 --> 00:59:20,331
- Breathe.
BRAD: Let me know if the pressure's okay.
993
00:59:20,506 --> 00:59:22,167
There you go.
994
00:59:23,309 --> 00:59:25,368
- Thank you, Denice.
- Thank you.
995
00:59:25,545 --> 00:59:27,672
- Okay. Oh, that's good.
- She's freaking out.
996
00:59:27,847 --> 00:59:30,315
- I know.
- Connor is ruining the wedding.
997
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:33,509
He is also ruining
Operation Sex For Every Bridesmaid.
998
00:59:33,686 --> 00:59:35,586
- I almost hooked up with Connor.
- What?
999
00:59:35,755 --> 00:59:38,280
When he told me to go by his room,
the door was locked.
1000
00:59:38,458 --> 00:59:40,187
I could hear him talking to himself.
1001
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,952
Dude, that guy takes mind games...
1002
00:59:42,128 --> 00:59:44,096
...to the next level.
- Old school.
1003
00:59:44,264 --> 00:59:46,494
- So who's next?
- I'm up.
1004
00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:48,964
Oh, wait. Are you the one
that slept with Paul?
1005
00:59:49,135 --> 00:59:50,830
- No.
- Because he won't go there.
1006
00:59:51,471 --> 00:59:54,838
- Ew. What?
- That would be me.
1007
00:59:56,309 --> 00:59:59,073
- Shut up. Shut your face.
- No. You never told us that.
1008
00:59:59,245 --> 01:00:02,772
Well, I'm paying the price. Looks like
I'm gonna have to get plastered...
1009
01:00:02,949 --> 01:00:05,611
...and downgrade
to one of Paul's desperate work friends.
1010
01:00:05,785 --> 01:00:08,345
I can transmit, page, pilot
and sync channels now.
1011
01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:11,752
- What channel are you on?
- Hey, guys, holster them.
1012
01:00:12,592 --> 01:00:14,526
- Why?
- Women.
1013
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:15,854
Oh.
1014
01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,054
- Say it isn't so.
- They're so weird.
1015
01:00:20,933 --> 01:00:25,666
- Yeah, somebody is enjoying this a little bit.
- Ha, ha. Are you kidding me?
1016
01:00:25,838 --> 01:00:29,604
Connor Mead, cleaning up his own mess.
I am loving it.
1017
01:00:30,643 --> 01:00:33,134
You know what? I'm sorry.
1018
01:00:33,746 --> 01:00:36,214
It's a cake.
There'll be a bakery open in town.
1019
01:00:36,382 --> 01:00:39,249
I'm not talking about this.
1020
01:00:39,852 --> 01:00:43,754
I'm talking about us. You know?
1021
01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:46,389
How it played out.
1022
01:00:46,559 --> 01:00:48,891
You're actually apologizing, aren't you?
1023
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:51,963
Okay, we don't need
to make a production out of it, now.
1024
01:00:52,131 --> 01:00:54,793
How are things looking? Spick-and-span?
Any more spots?
1025
01:00:54,967 --> 01:00:59,666
You know, it was probably,
in some small way, partially my fault.
1026
01:00:59,839 --> 01:01:02,637
- I was always attracted to assholes.
- Thank you very much.
1027
01:01:02,809 --> 01:01:06,609
Well, you know what I mean, though.
Projects. Guys that I thought I could fix.
1028
01:01:06,779 --> 01:01:09,247
Probably has something to do
with my dad.
1029
01:01:09,449 --> 01:01:12,384
- Probably.
- After you left, I made a vow to myself...
1030
01:01:12,552 --> 01:01:15,248
...to date only fully functional,
well-adjusted men.
1031
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:20,950
- No more works-in-progress. No dirtbags.
- So basically, women.
1032
01:01:21,127 --> 01:01:22,788
Basically women.
1033
01:01:22,962 --> 01:01:28,491
So how strong of a vow
is your no-dirtbags policy?
1034
01:01:28,668 --> 01:01:31,228
I had it tattooed on my ass.
1035
01:01:33,373 --> 01:01:35,568
- Can I see?
- No.
1036
01:01:36,976 --> 01:01:38,773
- Wait, what are you doing?
- What?
1037
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,344
- What?
- What am I doing? Wha...?
1038
01:01:40,513 --> 01:01:45,143
Okay, look. I know I dropped the ball
before a bit, but I have changed, I swear.
1039
01:01:45,318 --> 01:01:46,785
- No, you haven't.
- No, I have.
1040
01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:51,151
Jenny, I'm seeing things
in a whole different way tonight.
1041
01:01:51,324 --> 01:01:54,919
All right? I love you. I think.
I mean, I always have.
1042
01:01:55,094 --> 01:01:58,552
- You're the one I was supposed to be with.
- Wait, Connor, stop it. Just...
1043
01:01:59,165 --> 01:02:02,828
I hear what you're saying,
and I think right now you actually believe it.
1044
01:02:03,002 --> 01:02:06,460
- Yeah.
- But I know you.
1045
01:02:07,774 --> 01:02:10,242
Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up.
1046
01:02:11,544 --> 01:02:13,307
You won't be there.
1047
01:02:14,247 --> 01:02:18,149
Okay, but, Jenny, I really, really don't
wanna be alone tonight, you know?
1048
01:02:18,317 --> 01:02:20,649
- Okay. No, I get it.
- Will you please stay with me?
1049
01:02:21,387 --> 01:02:24,413
Seriously!
Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom!
1050
01:02:28,327 --> 01:02:30,386
WOMAN: Hello, Connor.
- Aah!
1051
01:02:32,331 --> 01:02:33,593
Dude.
1052
01:02:33,766 --> 01:02:37,566
What does a girl have to do
to get laid at this wedding?
1053
01:02:40,606 --> 01:02:44,269
Yeah. Four Seasons, please.
1054
01:02:48,381 --> 01:02:51,373
- Come on, start. Aah!
- Where do you think you're going?
1055
01:02:53,686 --> 01:02:58,419
Oh, Mel. God, you don't know
how happy I am to see you.
1056
01:02:59,225 --> 01:03:00,783
Aah!
1057
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:04,020
Really, did you learn nothing
from the last ghost?
1058
01:03:04,497 --> 01:03:06,522
- You're the ghost of girlfriends present?
- Mm-hm.
1059
01:03:06,699 --> 01:03:09,031
- That makes no sense.
- Oh, tell me about it.
1060
01:03:09,202 --> 01:03:12,433
But as sad as it is,
I'm the only consistent woman in your life.
1061
01:03:12,605 --> 01:03:16,803
So here I am,
just working on the weekend. Again.
1062
01:03:16,976 --> 01:03:18,466
But we never...
1063
01:03:18,644 --> 01:03:20,111
I mean, you...
1064
01:03:20,279 --> 01:03:22,338
- You're totally gay, right?
- What?
1065
01:03:22,515 --> 01:03:23,539
You're not?
1066
01:03:23,716 --> 01:03:27,777
No. There was just one time in college.
I went to Barnard.
1067
01:03:27,954 --> 01:03:29,546
- Okay.
- I had no choice.
1068
01:03:29,722 --> 01:03:31,314
Hey, I'm sorry, Mel.
1069
01:03:31,491 --> 01:03:34,051
If I'd have known,
I would of hit on you a lot sooner.
1070
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,127
Aw. Ha, ha.
1071
01:03:36,295 --> 01:03:39,958
- Ow! What was that for?
- Because tonight, I'm the boss.
1072
01:03:40,132 --> 01:03:41,599
You ready?
1073
01:03:46,272 --> 01:03:48,331
What are you doing?
1074
01:03:50,176 --> 01:03:53,805
Aren't we gonna, like,
fly off or something?
1075
01:03:53,980 --> 01:03:57,746
It's the present, you idiot.
We're here already.
1076
01:04:03,055 --> 01:04:04,079
Mel.
1077
01:04:05,024 --> 01:04:08,016
PAUL: Okay, no. That is not what I said.
WOMAN: I don't care.
1078
01:04:08,194 --> 01:04:10,321
He's a beautiful piece of a man.
1079
01:04:10,496 --> 01:04:14,626
Hey, look at how much fun they're having
now that you're gone.
1080
01:04:15,067 --> 01:04:16,625
- He's not shallow.
- Shallow?
1081
01:04:16,802 --> 01:04:19,635
Honey, he spends every Christmas alone
at the Knicks game.
1082
01:04:19,805 --> 01:04:20,931
Yeah, he is all surface.
1083
01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:24,702
Yeah, but in his defense,
it's a really hot surface.
1084
01:04:24,877 --> 01:04:26,970
- Well, yeah.
- Okay, he's not that bad.
1085
01:04:27,146 --> 01:04:30,582
- Thank you, Paulie.
DEENA: Paul, he hit on your mother in law.
1086
01:04:30,750 --> 01:04:33,548
- I've banged worse.
- Thank you, Vonda.
1087
01:04:33,719 --> 01:04:35,277
ALL:
Oh!
1088
01:04:35,454 --> 01:04:38,685
You guys just don't know him like I do.
You don't.
1089
01:04:38,858 --> 01:04:41,190
You know, that guy practically raised me.
1090
01:04:41,661 --> 01:04:46,928
I was 2 when our parents died.
Connor was just 7.
1091
01:04:47,533 --> 01:04:52,994
You know, at an age when he's supposed
to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one.
1092
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:55,565
He taught me how to read.
1093
01:04:57,109 --> 01:04:59,873
He taught me how to ride a bike.
1094
01:05:00,980 --> 01:05:04,973
He beat the crap out of any kid
who ever teased me.
1095
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:09,485
You know, he always said,
"Paulie, it's you and me against the world."
1096
01:05:10,690 --> 01:05:16,060
My point is, I had the opportunity
to be a nice kid and Connor didn't.
1097
01:05:16,529 --> 01:05:20,056
Now, I know he seems like a joke
to you guys...
1098
01:05:20,232 --> 01:05:25,499
...and trust me, you all have fair points,
but that guy is the only family I've got.
1099
01:05:25,671 --> 01:05:27,502
And if there's one thing family does...
1100
01:05:27,673 --> 01:05:32,576
...it is believe, against all odds,
in the best of each other.
1101
01:05:37,950 --> 01:05:39,110
I love him.
1102
01:05:39,285 --> 01:05:43,278
And as long as I live,
I'll believe he can change, because he's...
1103
01:05:44,290 --> 01:05:46,258
He's my big brother.
1104
01:05:50,963 --> 01:05:52,954
I'm gonna call my brother.
1105
01:05:53,132 --> 01:05:54,690
It's been a while.
1106
01:05:56,102 --> 01:05:58,297
Of course,
that doesn't mean anything to you.
1107
01:05:58,771 --> 01:06:00,966
Because love doesn't exist, right?
1108
01:06:01,140 --> 01:06:05,236
It's just, "magical comfort food
for the weak and uneducated"?
1109
01:06:05,411 --> 01:06:10,678
Wow, that is as close as I will ever come
to feeling something for Connor Mead.
1110
01:06:10,850 --> 01:06:13,284
- Kudos.
- I saw you chatting him up at the bar.
1111
01:06:13,919 --> 01:06:18,947
Well, I still wanna do him,
but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure.
1112
01:06:19,125 --> 01:06:23,391
Ooh, like when Denice hooked up
with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza.
1113
01:06:23,963 --> 01:06:28,161
I was drunk
and he had such delicate hands.
1114
01:06:28,768 --> 01:06:32,534
Denice, you think that's bad? I mean,
look at what Connor is doing to poor Jenny.
1115
01:06:32,705 --> 01:06:35,731
He has got that girl so twisted up
into a pretzel...
1116
01:06:35,908 --> 01:06:39,173
...she can't even appreciate
that fine slice of wedding beefcake...
1117
01:06:39,345 --> 01:06:42,178
...that Sandy has flown in for her.
1118
01:06:42,348 --> 01:06:43,815
Hua! Ha, ha.
1119
01:06:45,084 --> 01:06:48,019
Heard, understood, acknowledged?
1120
01:06:51,991 --> 01:06:53,185
Jenny, she's just...
1121
01:06:56,062 --> 01:06:57,723
Jenny.
1122
01:07:05,771 --> 01:07:09,138
- Oh, Jesus. Is she okay?
- What do you think?
1123
01:07:09,308 --> 01:07:10,707
BRAD:
Jenny?
1124
01:07:11,944 --> 01:07:15,277
Oh, of course.
Sensitive Brad to the rescue.
1125
01:07:15,448 --> 01:07:20,010
Now, wait a second, are you actually trying
to repair this wedding cake?
1126
01:07:20,386 --> 01:07:22,013
Maybe.
1127
01:07:22,922 --> 01:07:26,722
- I mean, a little.
- I used to moonlight as a pastry chef.
1128
01:07:26,892 --> 01:07:29,884
- Tell me this guy's gay.
- He's not. Trust me.
1129
01:07:30,062 --> 01:07:32,121
- Really?
- No. Not really.
1130
01:07:32,298 --> 01:07:34,698
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1131
01:07:35,134 --> 01:07:36,863
You wanna talk about it?
1132
01:07:37,036 --> 01:07:40,028
As your designated wedding sex,
everything you say is privileged.
1133
01:07:40,206 --> 01:07:42,003
No, I just...
1134
01:07:42,174 --> 01:07:46,406
I mean, it's been like a decade
since Connor and l... You know.
1135
01:07:47,213 --> 01:07:50,649
But I see him again, and I am just right back
to where I was before.
1136
01:07:50,816 --> 01:07:54,047
My attending in med school used to say
that doctors never break up...
1137
01:07:54,220 --> 01:07:58,520
...we just go into remission. We're naturally
drawn to the most hopeless patients.
1138
01:07:58,691 --> 01:08:01,592
The irredeemably screwed up.
The terminal cases.
1139
01:08:01,761 --> 01:08:05,754
- We get the point, Brad.
- It's just embarrassing, you know?
1140
01:08:05,931 --> 01:08:07,990
I think you only really
get over somebody...
1141
01:08:08,167 --> 01:08:11,568
...when you find somebody else
that you care about more.
1142
01:08:12,138 --> 01:08:14,436
All right, this is a nightmare.
1143
01:08:14,607 --> 01:08:16,074
I'm bringing them together.
1144
01:08:16,876 --> 01:08:18,707
- This is a mess.
MELANIE: He's really cute too.
1145
01:08:18,878 --> 01:08:22,575
CONNOR: No, no, no. No way.
Jenny doesn't go for guys like this.
1146
01:08:22,748 --> 01:08:25,842
No, clearly not. Come on, let's go.
1147
01:08:26,018 --> 01:08:28,612
No, no, no. Now hang on.
Let's see how this plays out.
1148
01:08:28,788 --> 01:08:30,380
Okay. You're the boss.
1149
01:08:31,090 --> 01:08:32,580
Really?
1150
01:08:33,259 --> 01:08:36,092
NADJA: Such a shvantza.
- What the hell was that fo...?
1151
01:08:36,262 --> 01:08:40,426
I just can't believe he broke up with us
on a conference call.
1152
01:08:40,599 --> 01:08:42,191
How did he fool all of us?
1153
01:08:42,368 --> 01:08:44,359
Yeah, but the weirdest thing, really...
1154
01:08:44,537 --> 01:08:47,062
...it seems like he wanted us
to fall in love with him.
1155
01:08:47,239 --> 01:08:52,643
And once we did, or thought we did,
he just disappeared.
1156
01:08:53,245 --> 01:08:55,440
How messed up is that?
1157
01:08:55,881 --> 01:08:57,746
Come on, Kiki. Don't cry.
1158
01:08:57,917 --> 01:09:00,147
At least Connor brought us
all together, right?
1159
01:09:00,319 --> 01:09:03,550
Hey, there we go, Charlece.
That's the winning attitude, huh?
1160
01:09:03,722 --> 01:09:05,485
Way to look on the bright side.
1161
01:09:05,658 --> 01:09:09,617
You've already got new relationships,
new friendships, right?
1162
01:09:09,795 --> 01:09:11,422
Here we go.
1163
01:09:11,597 --> 01:09:14,725
It's so exciting to have people over.
Martini?
1164
01:09:14,900 --> 01:09:16,993
- Oh, this is your apartment?
NADJA: Liquor, good.
1165
01:09:17,169 --> 01:09:18,193
Mel.
1166
01:09:18,370 --> 01:09:22,898
I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori.
1167
01:09:23,442 --> 01:09:25,637
I know it sounds gross,
but drink two of them...
1168
01:09:25,811 --> 01:09:28,143
...and you won't be able
to feel your face. Cheers.
1169
01:09:28,314 --> 01:09:29,781
You brought them together?
1170
01:09:29,949 --> 01:09:34,545
Come on. Don't be sad, you whiny bitches.
Connor's not worth it.
1171
01:09:34,720 --> 01:09:37,848
He's like the Tin Man.
He was born without a heart.
1172
01:09:38,023 --> 01:09:40,491
And, ladies, know this:
1173
01:09:40,659 --> 01:09:43,253
That wherever
Connor lays his head tonight...
1174
01:09:43,429 --> 01:09:47,763
...when the sun comes up in the morning,
he will be all alone.
1175
01:09:47,933 --> 01:09:51,767
CHARLECE: Well, I'll drink to that.
NADJA: I feel much better.
1176
01:09:56,842 --> 01:09:59,140
So how you holding up, Dutch?
1177
01:10:00,212 --> 01:10:02,544
- Not too great.
- Yeah.
1178
01:10:04,817 --> 01:10:07,012
Why do all these women hate me?
1179
01:10:07,186 --> 01:10:09,518
You know, I don't hate them.
1180
01:10:09,688 --> 01:10:13,317
Woman love to be screwed,
they just don't like to be screwed over.
1181
01:10:13,959 --> 01:10:15,790
I know, it's annoying.
1182
01:10:15,961 --> 01:10:21,297
Yeah. I mean... Look, all right,
maybe I've hurt a few women in my time.
1183
01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:26,871
A few women? Dutch, please.
Don't con a con man.
1184
01:10:31,410 --> 01:10:35,779
- Oh, is this weather tricks?
- No tricks, Dutch.
1185
01:10:35,948 --> 01:10:41,409
These are all the lady tears
that have been shed for you in your life.
1186
01:10:49,328 --> 01:10:50,920
And these...
1187
01:10:52,231 --> 01:10:57,225
These are the tissues they used
to dry those tears.
1188
01:10:58,904 --> 01:11:01,566
And these are the chocolates you sent.
1189
01:11:01,740 --> 01:11:03,037
[LAUGHING]
1190
01:11:03,709 --> 01:11:07,076
Right. You don't send chocolates.
They go straight to the hips.
1191
01:11:07,246 --> 01:11:08,270
Right.
1192
01:11:08,781 --> 01:11:11,614
And these are all the condoms you used.
1193
01:11:11,784 --> 01:11:12,944
No.
1194
01:11:13,118 --> 01:11:16,246
No! No! No!
1195
01:11:18,123 --> 01:11:19,385
[SCREAMING]
1196
01:11:29,435 --> 01:11:31,528
DENICE: No, don't!
SANDRA: Get off! Get off!
1197
01:11:31,704 --> 01:11:34,332
DENICE: Don't! You're out of control!
SANDRA: Shut up!
1198
01:11:34,506 --> 01:11:35,803
Man, oh, man.
1199
01:11:35,975 --> 01:11:39,467
You guys are not gonna believe
what just happened to me in my car.
1200
01:11:43,349 --> 01:11:44,941
Is this about the cake?
1201
01:11:45,117 --> 01:11:48,712
This is not about the cake. This is about
the fact that Paul slept with Donna.
1202
01:11:48,887 --> 01:11:51,981
Information that you so kindly shared
with Denice earlier tonight.
1203
01:11:52,157 --> 01:11:55,456
Come on. All right, number one,
that was years ago.
1204
01:11:55,627 --> 01:11:58,095
There seems to be some debate
about the time line.
1205
01:11:58,263 --> 01:12:02,029
No, there is no debate. We were going out.
We were together.
1206
01:12:02,201 --> 01:12:04,726
- You cheated.
- We had just met. But you're right.
1207
01:12:04,903 --> 01:12:08,930
You're right. That's not important. What's
important is that I hurt you. Listen, baby...
1208
01:12:09,108 --> 01:12:12,077
You know what? Don't "listen, baby" me.
You had sex with her...
1209
01:12:12,244 --> 01:12:16,112
...and then you didn't even tell me.
I mean, what else don't I know about you?
1210
01:12:16,281 --> 01:12:18,943
Nothing. Nothing. There is nothing else.
1211
01:12:19,118 --> 01:12:22,451
Okay, I am so sorry.
Sweetie, I never meant to hurt you.
1212
01:12:22,621 --> 01:12:27,820
Cool. Right there. Hey, he said it.
He's sorry. He means it. Case closed.
1213
01:12:27,993 --> 01:12:32,487
"Case closed." Because one apology
makes everything all better, right, Connor?
1214
01:12:32,664 --> 01:12:37,260
No, Jenny. What makes it okay
is that Paul still clearly loves her.
1215
01:12:37,436 --> 01:12:40,200
Oh, you're the expert on love.
You don't even believe in it.
1216
01:12:40,372 --> 01:12:44,399
If I can tell that you two love each other,
then you must really love each other.
1217
01:12:44,576 --> 01:12:46,840
You know I do, honey.
I love you so much.
1218
01:12:47,012 --> 01:12:51,210
That girl's been acting like a mental patient
for 12 hours. He's still here.
1219
01:12:51,383 --> 01:12:52,577
- Shut up.
- The point is...
1220
01:12:52,751 --> 01:12:54,651
...how does she even trust him anymore?
1221
01:12:54,820 --> 01:12:58,051
Whoa, are you talking about my brother,
or are you talking about me?
1222
01:12:58,223 --> 01:13:02,159
Let's not forget, this all went down
with your dear friend Donna over there.
1223
01:13:02,327 --> 01:13:05,694
A fact your little estrogen lynch mob
seems to have forgotten.
1224
01:13:06,165 --> 01:13:11,000
Seriously, if you ruled out marrying anyone
that your bridesmaids have slept with...
1225
01:13:11,170 --> 01:13:13,502
...you're gonna have to go abroad
to get a husband.
1226
01:13:13,672 --> 01:13:15,503
Go to hell, Connor.
1227
01:13:15,674 --> 01:13:16,902
- Sandy...
- Paulie, come on...
1228
01:13:17,076 --> 01:13:21,206
- Connor, I want you to leave.
CONNOR: You better air these things out...
1229
01:13:21,380 --> 01:13:23,211
Connor, leave!
1230
01:13:23,382 --> 01:13:28,012
God, you have done nothing
but make this weekend worse for everyone.
1231
01:13:29,721 --> 01:13:32,656
- Sandy!
- Paulie!
1232
01:13:34,093 --> 01:13:36,926
Hey, come on. Hey, Paulie.
Hey, hey, man. Look, I'm sorry.
1233
01:13:37,096 --> 01:13:39,894
They were right.
I never should have invited you.
1234
01:13:40,599 --> 01:13:43,329
You know, for years
I keep trying to convince myself...
1235
01:13:43,502 --> 01:13:45,902
...there's something redeemable in you.
1236
01:13:46,071 --> 01:13:47,538
I'm done. There isn't.
1237
01:13:47,706 --> 01:13:50,197
CONNOR: I was just trying to get your back
in there, okay?
1238
01:13:51,743 --> 01:13:56,180
- It's you and me against the world, right?
- You don't wanna be here.
1239
01:13:56,949 --> 01:13:58,746
And nobody wants you here.
1240
01:13:58,917 --> 01:14:01,511
So just go. Jus... Please?
1241
01:14:02,154 --> 01:14:03,178
Sandy!
1242
01:14:08,393 --> 01:14:12,056
CONNOR: I know I've got
one more ghost left on my contract...
1243
01:14:12,231 --> 01:14:15,132
...but I've been asked
to leave the premises!
1244
01:14:15,300 --> 01:14:18,360
So if you want me, come on!
1245
01:14:19,471 --> 01:14:22,565
Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing
my future girlfriends.
1246
01:14:22,741 --> 01:14:27,075
Frankly, that was the ghost
I was most looking forward to!
1247
01:14:27,513 --> 01:14:28,980
But whatever!
1248
01:14:45,164 --> 01:14:46,426
Whoa.
1249
01:14:52,104 --> 01:14:54,436
Are you my future girlfriend?
1250
01:15:00,012 --> 01:15:02,606
Would you like to be?
1251
01:15:30,876 --> 01:15:32,207
[CHURCH BELL CHIMING]
1252
01:15:54,766 --> 01:15:56,563
Oh, hell, no.
1253
01:15:56,735 --> 01:15:58,464
I get married?
1254
01:15:58,737 --> 01:16:00,534
["WEDDING MARCH"
PLAYING ON ORGAN]
1255
01:16:06,011 --> 01:16:07,205
Oh.
1256
01:16:08,013 --> 01:16:09,878
Okay, this could work.
1257
01:16:10,649 --> 01:16:15,518
As a matter of fact, this may be all right.
1258
01:16:17,689 --> 01:16:19,122
Brad?
1259
01:16:19,291 --> 01:16:20,986
No.
1260
01:16:21,159 --> 01:16:23,593
No, no, no.
1261
01:16:23,762 --> 01:16:24,854
No, no, no.
1262
01:16:25,030 --> 01:16:28,989
And now, if anyone here knows any reason
why these two should not be wed...
1263
01:16:29,167 --> 01:16:30,998
CONNOR: I do.
PRIEST: let them speak now...
1264
01:16:31,169 --> 01:16:33,160
No, Jenny,
you're supposed to be with me.
1265
01:16:33,338 --> 01:16:38,674
She was always supposed to be with me.
No. Don't do this. This is wrong. No.
1266
01:16:38,844 --> 01:16:43,474
No! I'm here. I'm here.
Jenny. I'm here. No.
1267
01:16:43,649 --> 01:16:45,879
No!
1268
01:16:50,355 --> 01:16:51,686
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
1269
01:17:16,448 --> 01:17:18,040
Oh, Paulie.
1270
01:17:22,888 --> 01:17:24,879
No wedding ring.
1271
01:17:25,524 --> 01:17:29,324
Wait a minute. He didn't get married?
1272
01:17:29,928 --> 01:17:31,555
Why?
1273
01:17:33,532 --> 01:17:34,965
Me?
1274
01:17:37,169 --> 01:17:38,602
What did I do?
1275
01:17:41,440 --> 01:17:43,340
You don't say much, do you?
1276
01:18:32,858 --> 01:18:35,793
Looks like we're, uh, all here.
1277
01:18:36,595 --> 01:18:38,688
Let's begin.
1278
01:18:39,164 --> 01:18:42,395
Lord, we are gathered here today
to lay to rest Connor Mead.
1279
01:18:43,869 --> 01:18:47,805
Connor Mead was a great man
and a great friend of the Church.
1280
01:18:47,973 --> 01:18:51,875
- There's only one person at my funeral?
WAYNE: That's the way it works, Dutch.
1281
01:18:53,612 --> 01:18:55,773
Guys like us...
1282
01:18:56,181 --> 01:18:57,671
...we don't get the big funeral.
1283
01:18:58,150 --> 01:19:02,018
I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne,
but this is ridiculous.
1284
01:19:02,587 --> 01:19:06,523
Yeah, I don't know how
to soften this one for you, Dutch. Uh...
1285
01:19:07,726 --> 01:19:10,194
Nobody's really gonna miss you.
1286
01:19:10,796 --> 01:19:15,290
Before the burial, would you like to say
a few words about the deceased?
1287
01:19:26,511 --> 01:19:28,570
Connor Mead...
1288
01:19:29,381 --> 01:19:31,508
...was a lot of things to a lot of people.
1289
01:19:31,983 --> 01:19:34,247
Not all of them good things...
1290
01:19:35,086 --> 01:19:37,714
...but to me he was a great brother.
1291
01:19:40,659 --> 01:19:43,526
Guess it's just me against the world now.
1292
01:19:43,695 --> 01:19:47,529
No, it's not, Paulie. No, it's not.
Look, it doesn't have to happen like this.
1293
01:19:47,699 --> 01:19:51,135
- It's not gonna happen...
- Nothing you can do about it, Dutch.
1294
01:19:51,570 --> 01:19:54,664
You made your bed, now you gotta bang
whatever crawls into it.
1295
01:19:54,840 --> 01:19:58,037
That's what I keep trying to tell you.
What can I say?
1296
01:19:58,210 --> 01:20:01,805
Life, you know,
it's like a quick cup of coffee.
1297
01:20:01,980 --> 01:20:04,778
You haven't got the guts
to love someone with all you got...
1298
01:20:04,950 --> 01:20:07,646
...then you end up drinking alone.
- No. No, Uncle Wayne...
1299
01:20:07,819 --> 01:20:10,310
- Sorry, kid. Party's over.
- Aah!
1300
01:20:10,822 --> 01:20:13,086
WAYNE: Ladies, let's take it away.
- Whoa.
1301
01:20:13,258 --> 01:20:17,092
No! No! I can change! I swear!
1302
01:20:17,262 --> 01:20:20,493
No! No!
1303
01:20:20,665 --> 01:20:24,567
I can change! I swear! I can change! Aah!
1304
01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:25,760
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
1305
01:20:30,475 --> 01:20:31,772
I'm alive.
1306
01:20:38,316 --> 01:20:40,250
I'm alive!
1307
01:20:40,719 --> 01:20:44,246
You there, young man. What day is it?
1308
01:20:44,422 --> 01:20:45,514
Is it Christmas?
1309
01:20:46,057 --> 01:20:49,549
No, it's Saturday, you moron.
1310
01:20:50,061 --> 01:20:52,359
That's the day of my brother's wedding.
1311
01:20:52,531 --> 01:20:55,364
All right, I haven't missed it, thank God.
1312
01:20:55,534 --> 01:21:01,666
Let's get ready for nuptials!
1313
01:21:04,643 --> 01:21:07,612
Hey, hey, Paulie. Hey. Hey.
1314
01:21:08,413 --> 01:21:11,610
- Did I miss the wedding?
- No. You got your wish.
1315
01:21:11,783 --> 01:21:14,013
- Sandra called it off.
- What?
1316
01:21:14,185 --> 01:21:15,982
- Why?
- Why do you think?
1317
01:21:16,154 --> 01:21:18,145
- The thing I let slip about Donna?
PAUL: Yeah.
1318
01:21:18,323 --> 01:21:21,349
No, no, no. You can't split up.
1319
01:21:21,526 --> 01:21:24,051
You are meant
to spend the rest of your lives together.
1320
01:21:24,229 --> 01:21:28,325
- You're gonna be miserable without her.
- You can be a real sarcastic prick.
1321
01:21:28,500 --> 01:21:32,061
I am not being sarcastic, okay?
Where's Sandra?
1322
01:21:32,237 --> 01:21:35,968
Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids
to the airport. It's over.
1323
01:21:36,141 --> 01:21:37,472
No.
1324
01:21:37,642 --> 01:21:39,701
No, no, no.
1325
01:21:42,914 --> 01:21:44,381
Whoa.
1326
01:21:55,827 --> 01:21:56,987
Sandra!
1327
01:22:11,443 --> 01:22:13,172
[ELVIS' "BURNING LO VE"
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
1328
01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:14,710
[TIRES SQUEALING]
1329
01:22:22,087 --> 01:22:23,179
What are you doing?
1330
01:22:24,756 --> 01:22:26,519
[SHOUTING]
1331
01:22:30,161 --> 01:22:33,130
Whoo! Whoo!
1332
01:22:35,600 --> 01:22:37,568
Aah! No seat belts!
1333
01:22:38,370 --> 01:22:39,735
[SCREAMING]
1334
01:22:42,874 --> 01:22:44,432
Sandra!
1335
01:22:45,410 --> 01:22:47,037
Hey!
1336
01:22:47,212 --> 01:22:50,306
Sandra, you're making a huge mistake!
1337
01:22:51,416 --> 01:22:52,610
Was that Connor?
1338
01:22:54,285 --> 01:22:56,913
Sandra!
1339
01:22:58,690 --> 01:22:59,714
Come on.
1340
01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:01,749
Oh, shit.
1341
01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:12,563
- Dad, stop!
- Aah!
1342
01:23:13,271 --> 01:23:15,136
JENNY:
Sarge, stop.
1343
01:23:15,306 --> 01:23:17,638
DEENA: Is that Connor?
- You could a killed us back there.
1344
01:23:17,809 --> 01:23:20,073
JENNY: Sandra, lock the door. Get away.
- Sandra.
1345
01:23:20,545 --> 01:23:24,276
- Sarge, I need to talk to your daughter.
- Over my dead body, Paco.
1346
01:23:24,749 --> 01:23:26,774
All right? Relax.
1347
01:23:28,119 --> 01:23:29,279
Oh, my God.
1348
01:23:29,454 --> 01:23:33,015
- I'm sorry, sir. I've come too far. Sandra.
- Sandra, stay in the car.
1349
01:23:33,491 --> 01:23:34,924
Did he just lock us...?
1350
01:23:35,093 --> 01:23:37,288
- Don't you touch me.
- Now, you listen to me.
1351
01:23:37,729 --> 01:23:39,663
Okay, first off:
1352
01:23:40,065 --> 01:23:42,829
I am sorry about destroying
your wedding cake...
1353
01:23:43,001 --> 01:23:47,028
...going to second base with your mother,
knocking your dad unconscious right there...
1354
01:23:47,872 --> 01:23:50,170
...and basically
breaking up your wedding.
1355
01:23:50,341 --> 01:23:54,175
I'm sorry.
That being said, I am begging you...
1356
01:23:54,345 --> 01:23:57,041
...begging you, don't run away, all right?
1357
01:23:57,215 --> 01:24:00,981
You and Paul have something so rare,
all right, so powerful.
1358
01:24:01,152 --> 01:24:03,780
- Don't chicken out now.
- Chicken out? He cheated.
1359
01:24:03,955 --> 01:24:05,320
Oh, get over it.
1360
01:24:05,490 --> 01:24:09,290
It was years ago, all right?
With some slutty friend of yours.
1361
01:24:09,461 --> 01:24:10,951
Yeah, well, that's true.
1362
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:13,757
A friend, incidentally,
who you're not even mad at.
1363
01:24:13,932 --> 01:24:17,163
And you know why?
Because you don't actually care.
1364
01:24:17,335 --> 01:24:20,668
You love Paul so much,
you forgave him the second you heard.
1365
01:24:20,839 --> 01:24:22,136
And that's what scares you.
1366
01:24:22,307 --> 01:24:24,434
You have no idea how I feel.
You have no idea.
1367
01:24:24,609 --> 01:24:28,306
Yes, I do. I've been in your shoes.
1368
01:24:28,813 --> 01:24:31,008
You know what?
It scared the hell out of me too.
1369
01:24:32,217 --> 01:24:36,051
What if she hurt me?
You know, what if she left me?
1370
01:24:36,221 --> 01:24:38,348
What if she died?
1371
01:24:38,823 --> 01:24:40,313
lt'd have been the end of me.
1372
01:24:40,492 --> 01:24:45,429
So I cut it short, before she ever could.
And you know what?
1373
01:24:45,597 --> 01:24:49,363
It was the biggest mistake
I have ever made.
1374
01:24:49,534 --> 01:24:51,297
You're making that same mistake now...
1375
01:24:51,469 --> 01:24:53,903
...and I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit by and watch.
1376
01:24:54,072 --> 01:24:56,870
You gotta risk love, Sandra. Risk it.
1377
01:24:57,041 --> 01:25:04,038
I didn't. Look at me.
I'm an empty, lonely, ghost of a man.
1378
01:25:04,716 --> 01:25:08,208
It doesn't mean
that you're never gonna get hurt.
1379
01:25:08,653 --> 01:25:10,985
But I can guarantee you this:
1380
01:25:11,156 --> 01:25:12,885
Any pain that you feel...
1381
01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:18,261
...will never, ever compare to the regret
that comes from walking away from love.
1382
01:25:19,297 --> 01:25:22,425
As someone who's felt a lot of both,
trust me.
1383
01:25:22,600 --> 01:25:23,999
Pain...
1384
01:25:25,436 --> 01:25:29,964
...beats regret every day of the week,
and twice on Sunday.
1385
01:25:31,075 --> 01:25:32,872
Don't run away.
1386
01:25:33,044 --> 01:25:34,978
Don't do it.
1387
01:25:39,050 --> 01:25:41,450
I can't believe I'm saying this...
1388
01:25:42,587 --> 01:25:44,817
...but, uh, I think you might be right.
1389
01:25:46,457 --> 01:25:47,856
So...
1390
01:25:49,394 --> 01:25:50,759
...you wanna get married?
1391
01:25:53,198 --> 01:25:55,325
- I do.
CONNOR: You do?
1392
01:25:55,500 --> 01:25:57,559
- Yeah, I do.
CONNOR: You do?
1393
01:25:58,336 --> 01:25:59,701
Yes.
1394
01:25:59,871 --> 01:26:01,202
- Yes.
DEENA: Okay.
1395
01:26:03,608 --> 01:26:05,508
Whoo!
1396
01:26:12,851 --> 01:26:14,819
SANDRA:
Oh, baby.
1397
01:26:17,288 --> 01:26:21,384
Flowers, check. Cake, check.
Dinner, check.
1398
01:26:21,559 --> 01:26:25,620
- Photographer?
- Ooh, I know a pretty good photographer.
1399
01:26:40,211 --> 01:26:41,473
[CHUCKLES]
1400
01:26:44,916 --> 01:26:46,281
PRIEST:
Shall we begin?
1401
01:26:46,451 --> 01:26:49,978
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are here to witness the union...
1402
01:26:50,154 --> 01:26:54,250
...of Sandra Marie Volcom and Paul Mead.
1403
01:26:55,059 --> 01:26:57,050
[MOUTHING]
At them.
1404
01:27:04,168 --> 01:27:08,502
It was cold and dark.
We'd been taking fire for hours.
1405
01:27:08,973 --> 01:27:11,203
We took an incoming mortar hit.
1406
01:27:11,376 --> 01:27:14,607
I opened up his jacket
and his insides fell out...
1407
01:27:14,779 --> 01:27:17,680
...and I had his bloody guts in my hand.
1408
01:27:18,182 --> 01:27:21,083
They were warm and mushy and squishy.
1409
01:27:22,086 --> 01:27:24,554
And I pushed them right back
into his body cavity...
1410
01:27:24,722 --> 01:27:27,885
...and willed him to live with my tears.
1411
01:27:28,059 --> 01:27:30,789
And that is what true love is.
1412
01:27:31,095 --> 01:27:32,460
Hua!
1413
01:27:36,067 --> 01:27:37,557
I've heard that story a hundred times.
1414
01:27:37,735 --> 01:27:39,066
[CLINKING GLASS]
1415
01:27:40,204 --> 01:27:41,694
Um...
1416
01:27:42,106 --> 01:27:46,702
I guess now's as good a time as any
for me to make my best man's toast.
1417
01:27:46,878 --> 01:27:52,111
I've never given one of these before,
so, uh, bear with me.
1418
01:27:52,283 --> 01:27:55,218
Someone once told me...
1419
01:27:55,386 --> 01:27:59,550
...that the power in all relationships
lies with whoever cares less.
1420
01:28:00,091 --> 01:28:01,922
And he was right.
1421
01:28:02,093 --> 01:28:04,323
But power isn't happiness.
1422
01:28:04,495 --> 01:28:05,962
And...
1423
01:28:06,130 --> 01:28:08,496
...I think that maybe happiness comes...
1424
01:28:08,666 --> 01:28:14,104
...from caring more about people,
rather than less.
1425
01:28:14,272 --> 01:28:19,574
And nobody proves that better
than my kid brother, Paulie.
1426
01:28:19,744 --> 01:28:24,147
Buddy, you give love to everyone...
1427
01:28:24,315 --> 01:28:26,613
...and you require none in return.
1428
01:28:27,185 --> 01:28:32,521
From this day on,
I wanna be more like you.
1429
01:28:33,257 --> 01:28:35,623
I want you to be proud of me again.
1430
01:28:36,127 --> 01:28:37,617
Yeah.
1431
01:28:39,897 --> 01:28:41,922
And here's to my new sister.
1432
01:28:42,700 --> 01:28:46,192
You know, Sandra, all I can really say...
1433
01:28:46,371 --> 01:28:50,000
...all that I know for sure...
1434
01:28:51,042 --> 01:28:52,942
...is that Mom and Dad...
1435
01:28:54,512 --> 01:28:56,480
...they would've loved you.
1436
01:28:57,015 --> 01:28:59,745
And I'm glad you're part of our family.
1437
01:29:00,485 --> 01:29:03,045
- Here's to Paul and Sandra, right here.
- Yeah, to Paul and Sandra.
1438
01:29:03,221 --> 01:29:04,654
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
1439
01:29:07,392 --> 01:29:09,656
[BAND PLAYING THE SUPREMES'
"YOU CAN'T HURRY LO VE"]
1440
01:29:15,700 --> 01:29:17,930
CONNOR:
Look here. Look right here.
1441
01:29:18,102 --> 01:29:19,694
Okay. And how old are you?
1442
01:29:19,871 --> 01:29:21,236
[LAUGHING]
1443
01:29:21,406 --> 01:29:23,601
Who's in the middle? Look over here.
1444
01:29:23,775 --> 01:29:26,608
All right. Go dance, drink eggnog.
1445
01:29:26,778 --> 01:29:28,769
- Hey, sexy cameraman.
- Hey, ladies.
1446
01:29:28,946 --> 01:29:31,847
- Connor, we're really worried about you.
- Need we remind you...
1447
01:29:32,016 --> 01:29:35,713
...as man-whore in residence, you have
certain duties to the single ladies here?
1448
01:29:35,887 --> 01:29:39,823
That is very tempting, ladies, it is.
1449
01:29:40,825 --> 01:29:42,816
- But, uh, I'm out.
- No.
1450
01:29:43,261 --> 01:29:45,661
Ladies, thank you, but no thank you.
Hmm?
1451
01:29:45,830 --> 01:29:49,766
Hey, hard-to-get only works
if you eventually give in.
1452
01:29:50,568 --> 01:29:52,126
One more time.
1453
01:29:52,303 --> 01:29:55,238
- Hey.
CONNOR: Good night.
1454
01:30:19,530 --> 01:30:23,022
JENNY: Hey.
- Congratulations.
1455
01:30:23,201 --> 01:30:26,193
You did it.
You pulled off a great wedding.
1456
01:30:26,737 --> 01:30:28,602
We pulled off a great wedding.
1457
01:30:29,040 --> 01:30:32,373
Of course, if I wouldn't have broken it,
it wouldn't have needed fixing.
1458
01:30:32,543 --> 01:30:35,137
JENNY: True, true, true.
- Ha, ha.
1459
01:30:36,981 --> 01:30:39,449
- Okay, I have to know.
- Mm.
1460
01:30:40,685 --> 01:30:42,710
What happened to you last night?
1461
01:30:42,887 --> 01:30:46,721
Because yesterday, you were just
your usual handsome, awful self.
1462
01:30:46,891 --> 01:30:49,917
But then today,
you became the guy I used to know.
1463
01:30:50,728 --> 01:30:55,791
The one I always thought, deep down,
you actually were.
1464
01:30:55,967 --> 01:30:59,459
I honestly don't know
what the hell happened to me last night.
1465
01:30:59,637 --> 01:31:04,438
I don't. But I do know that
I'm seeing things more clearly today...
1466
01:31:04,609 --> 01:31:06,873
...than any time that I can remember.
1467
01:31:07,044 --> 01:31:08,944
Like the way I feel about you.
1468
01:31:11,115 --> 01:31:13,583
That's something that has never changed.
1469
01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:18,681
I wish I could believe you.
1470
01:31:20,124 --> 01:31:22,820
We've just been through this before...
1471
01:31:24,428 --> 01:31:28,990
...so how do I know it's not just
another line from the Mead-family playbook?
1472
01:31:29,867 --> 01:31:31,300
Hmm.
1473
01:31:43,814 --> 01:31:45,645
You remember her?
1474
01:31:51,122 --> 01:31:52,885
You kept it.
1475
01:31:54,292 --> 01:31:55,953
Yeah.
1476
01:31:56,494 --> 01:31:59,463
I've had that on me
since the day I took it.
1477
01:32:00,932 --> 01:32:02,456
I can't believe it.
1478
01:32:04,035 --> 01:32:06,265
Give me one more chance.
1479
01:32:06,437 --> 01:32:08,530
I'll do better.
1480
01:32:09,006 --> 01:32:13,443
Whatever it takes.
The wooing, the spooning, I am all in.
1481
01:32:14,512 --> 01:32:16,173
Even massages with our clothes on?
1482
01:32:17,648 --> 01:32:19,479
No. No, that's where I draw the line.
1483
01:32:19,650 --> 01:32:21,515
- Well?
- No massages with clothes on.
1484
01:32:21,686 --> 01:32:23,711
Not a chance.
1485
01:32:24,188 --> 01:32:26,588
I promise you this:
1486
01:32:26,991 --> 01:32:29,118
When you wake up in the morning...
1487
01:32:31,596 --> 01:32:33,120
...l'll be there.
1488
01:32:33,864 --> 01:32:35,627
Every time.
1489
01:32:59,924 --> 01:33:01,482
JENNY:
What?
1490
01:33:01,792 --> 01:33:03,350
What is it?
1491
01:33:03,894 --> 01:33:04,986
Ha, ha. Nothing.
1492
01:33:05,162 --> 01:33:07,153
[BAND PLAYING REO SPEEDWAGON'S
"KEEP ON LO VING YOU"]
1493
01:33:07,331 --> 01:33:09,060
I just recognize this song.
1494
01:33:10,935 --> 01:33:12,766
Oh, yeah.
1495
01:33:14,639 --> 01:33:17,665
- May I have this dance?
- Finally.
1496
01:33:17,842 --> 01:33:21,300
- Pete Hastings, eat your heart out.
- Ha, ha.
1497
01:33:24,348 --> 01:33:27,044
That's how it's done, Dutch.
1498
01:33:27,218 --> 01:33:29,686
That's how it's done.
1499
01:33:30,921 --> 01:33:35,824
Well, work's over. What do you say, doll?
Let's get naked.
1500
01:33:36,927 --> 01:33:38,588
Mm.
1501
01:33:38,763 --> 01:33:41,994
Dry. I love it.
1502
01:33:42,800 --> 01:33:45,462
You know, I'm interviewing
for a new secretary.
1503
01:33:45,636 --> 01:33:48,605
- Mm?
- How good is your dictation?
1504
01:33:48,773 --> 01:33:51,139
You get it? "Dick-tation"?
1505
01:33:51,309 --> 01:33:55,769
Please, I'm actually at this party.
1506
01:34:08,926 --> 01:34:10,553
BOTH:
Hi.
1507
01:34:12,029 --> 01:34:13,656
[ALLISON SLURPING DRINK]
1508
01:34:18,602 --> 01:34:21,571
Looks like it's just you and me, sweetie.
1509
01:34:22,306 --> 01:34:25,434
Oh, I love those scrunchies.
1510
01:34:26,344 --> 01:34:28,244
Ew, ha, ha.
1511
01:34:28,412 --> 01:34:30,505
I'm, like, 16.
1512
01:34:30,681 --> 01:34:34,811
We're ghosts, baby. We're ageless.
1513
01:34:52,436 --> 01:34:56,600
Okay, Connor Mead's out. Who's next?
1514
01:34:56,774 --> 01:34:58,332
Paul's desperate work friends?
1515
01:34:59,343 --> 01:35:01,709
- Yeah. I'm back to you.
- I think I'm loosening up.
1516
01:35:02,380 --> 01:35:04,473
- Let's do this thing.
- Yeah, all right.
1517
01:35:04,648 --> 01:35:06,809
- Okay, I get the little one.
- You can have him.
1518
01:35:06,984 --> 01:35:10,613
- Okay.
- I said, I get the little one.
1519
01:35:10,788 --> 01:35:12,722
- Hey.
- Hey.
1520
01:35:12,890 --> 01:35:16,758
- You're so cute.
- You look just like my sister. Why would l...?
1521
01:35:18,529 --> 01:35:20,190
Mind if I cut in?
1522
01:35:30,074 --> 01:35:32,736
You know, it makes me happy.
1523
01:35:35,980 --> 01:35:38,244
You did a wonderful job with her, Von.
1524
01:35:38,416 --> 01:35:41,078
So did you, Mervis.
1525
01:35:43,287 --> 01:35:46,882
You repeat that name to anyone,
you're a dead man.
1526
01:35:51,862 --> 01:35:52,988
[ALL CHEERING]
1527
01:35:54,732 --> 01:35:57,064
- Sandy, right here.
- No, no.
1528
01:36:04,108 --> 01:36:05,302
[GASPS]
1529
01:36:05,476 --> 01:36:07,137
Kako.
1530
01:36:08,446 --> 01:36:11,176
[IN JAPANESE]
1531
01:36:11,916 --> 01:36:13,941
Yes.
1532
01:40:28,939 --> 01:40:30,736
CONNOR:
What...? What did...?
1533
01:40:31,709 --> 01:40:33,700
[ENGLISH SDH]