1 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:08,007 [melancholy music] 2 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:00,888 [knocks] 3 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:05,058 I'm going for a cup of tea. Do you want one? 4 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,686 [anxious] Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail? 5 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,354 (Withnail) No. 6 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:01,448 (Marwood, off) 13 million Londoners have to wake up to this. 7 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,409 And murder and All-Bran and rape. 8 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,663 I'm sitting in this bloody shack and can't cope with Withnail. 9 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,998 I must be out of my mind. 10 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,210 I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth. 11 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,757 (Withnail) I've some extremely distressing news. 12 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,344 (Marwood) I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear anything. 13 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:27,099 My God! It's a nightmare. I tell you it's a nightmare. 14 00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:30,102 We've just run out of wine. What are we gonna do about it? 15 00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:33,105 [Marwood, breathing heavily] I don't know. I don't know. 16 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:36,024 [groaning] Oh, God. I don't feel good. 17 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:40,320 [panting] My thumbs have gone weird! 18 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,949 I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. 19 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,368 Oh, God. [moans] 20 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:49,454 My heart's beating like a fucked clock. 21 00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:52,541 I feel dreadful. I feel really dreadful. 22 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,835 So do I. So does everybody. 23 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,629 Look at my tongue. 24 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,589 It's wearing a yellow sock. 25 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,843 Sit down, for Christ's sake. What's the matter with you? 26 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:06,638 Eat some sugar. 27 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,474 Listen to this. "Curse of the Supermen. 28 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,561 I took drugs to win medals, says top athlete Jeff Wode." 29 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,063 Where's the coffee? 30 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:19,401 "In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter, Jeff Wode, 31 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:24,865 "who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, 32 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:27,576 "drugs banned in sport, 33 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,662 "He used to get in bad tempers and act daft, says his wife, 34 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,415 "He used to pick on me, but now he's stopped. 35 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,585 He's much better in our sex life and our general life." 36 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,920 Jesus Christ! 37 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:44,551 This huge thatched head with its ear lobes and cannonball 38 00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:46,511 is now considered sane. 39 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,930 "Jeff Wode is feeling better. 40 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,516 "And is now prepared to step back into society 41 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,352 and start tossing his orb about." 42 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,228 Look at it! Look at Jeff Wode. 43 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,357 His head must weigh 50 pounds on its own. 44 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:04,654 I magine the size of his balls. 45 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,949 I magine getting into a fight with the fucker. 46 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,951 Please! I don't feel good. 47 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,953 That's what you'd say. 48 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,623 But that wouldn't wash with Jeff. No. 49 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:17,918 He'd like a bit of pleading. Adds spice to it! 50 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:21,296 I n fact, he'd probably tell you what he was gonna do 51 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,174 before he did it. 52 00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:26,927 "I'm gonna pull your head off." 53 00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:29,388 "No, please, don't pull my head off." 54 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:33,934 "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head ." 55 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,315 Have you got some soup? 56 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,983 Why don't I get any soup? 57 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,819 It's coffee. [sniffs] 58 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,446 Why don't you use a cup like any other human being? 59 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,658 Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being? 60 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:53,078 How dare you? How dare you, 61 00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,247 how dare you call me inhumane? 62 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:58,667 I didn't call you inhumane. You merely imagined that. Calm down. 63 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,420 Right you fucker. I'm gonna do the washing up. 64 00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,005 No, you can't. It's impossible. 65 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,134 I swear to you I've looked into it. Listen to me. Listen to me! 66 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:10,512 There are things in there. There is a teabag growing. 67 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:14,057 You haven't slept in 60 hours, you're in no state to tackle it. 68 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,393 Wait till the morning. We'll go in together. 69 00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:18,687 This is the morning. Stand aside. 70 00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:22,899 You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there. 71 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,901 I think there may be something alive. 72 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,319 What do you mean? A rat? 73 00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,613 It's possible. It's possible. 74 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,824 Then the fucker will rue the day. 75 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,537 Oh, Christ Almighty. 76 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,956 Sinew in nicotine base. 77 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,791 Keep back. Keep back. 78 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,543 The entire sink's gone rotten. 79 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,587 I don't know what's in here. 80 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:46,256 (Withnail) Ah . Ah! 81 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,966 I told you. You've been bitten! 82 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,427 Burnt. Burnt. The fucking kettle's on fire! 83 00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,179 There's something floating up. 84 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,472 Fork it! 85 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,307 No, I don't wanna touch it. 86 00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:58,351 You must! The poop will bore through the glaze 87 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:01,104 we'll never be able to use the dinner service again. 88 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,065 Here, get it with the pliers. 89 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,610 No, no. The gloves. Get me the gloves. 90 00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,987 Right. Put on the gloves. 91 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,490 Don't attempt anything without the gloves. 92 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,995 Ugh. 93 00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:18,914 What is it? What have you found? 94 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:20,832 Matter. 95 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:24,085 Matter? Where's it coming from? 96 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,921 Don't come. Don't look. 97 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,672 I'm dealing with it. 98 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:31,092 I think we've been in here too long. 99 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,011 I feel unusual. 100 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,430 I think we should go outside. 101 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:41,937 This is ridiculous. 102 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:46,358 Look at me. I'm 30 in a month and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe. 103 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,152 It will get better. It has to. 104 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,112 Easy for you to say, lovey. 105 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,241 You've had an audition . Why can't I have an audition? 106 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:59,454 It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school, I'm good looking, 107 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:04,042 I've a fuck sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. 108 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,086 Why can't I get on television? 109 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,755 I don't know. It'll happen. 110 00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:11,216 Will it? That's what you say. 111 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,594 The only program I'm likely to get on is the fucking news. 112 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,389 I tell you, I can't take much more of this. 113 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,099 I'm gonna crack. 114 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,267 I'm in the same boat. 115 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,810 Yeah . Yeah. 116 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:24,729 I feel as sick as a Pike. 117 00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:27,023 I'm gonna have to sit down. 118 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:35,407 You know what we should do? 119 00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,867 I say, you know what we should do? 120 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:41,162 How can I possibly know what we should do? 121 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,914 What should we do? 122 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,000 Get out of here for a while, 123 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,919 into the countryside, rejuvenate. 124 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:52,007 Rejuvenate? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead. 125 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,342 What good's the countryside? 126 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,596 What time is it? 127 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,514 It's eight. 128 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,683 Four hours to opening time. 129 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,603 God help us. 130 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,896 Have we got any embrocation? 131 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,148 What for? 132 00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:10,400 To rub on us, you fool! 133 00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:13,987 We can cover ourselves in deep heat and get up against the radiator. 134 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,448 Keep ourselves alive till twelve. 135 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,158 [spits] 136 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,452 Jesus, look at that. 137 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:23,872 Apart from a raw potato that's the only solid thing 138 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,458 to pass my lips in the last 60 hours. 139 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:30,253 I must be ill. 140 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:35,508 (Marwood, off) Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. 141 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:40,680 And for once I am inclined to believe that Withnail is right. 142 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:46,978 We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell, 143 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:50,398 making an enemy of our own future. 144 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,234 What we need is harmony. 145 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:56,321 Fresh air and stuff like that. 146 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,658 Wasn't much in the tube. There's nothing left for you. 147 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:03,328 Why don't you ask your father for some money? 148 00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:06,331 If we had some money we could go away. 149 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:10,377 Why don't you ask your father? How can it be so cold in here? 150 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,504 It's like Greenland in here. 151 00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:16,049 [panting] We've got to get some booze. 152 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,885 It's the only solution for this intense cold. 153 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,680 Something's got to be done. 154 00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,723 We can't go on like this! 155 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:27,727 I'm a trained actor reduced to the state of a bum! 156 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:30,939 Look at us. Nothing that reasonable members of society 157 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:32,524 demand as their rights. 158 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,693 No fridges, no televisions, no phones. 159 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,862 M uch more of this and I'm going to apply for "Meals on Wheels." 160 00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:40,031 What happened to your cigar commercial? 161 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,283 That's what I want to know. 162 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:45,120 What happened to my agent? The bastard must've died. 163 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,414 September. it's a bad patch. 164 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,542 Rubbish! I haven't seen Gielgud down the Labour Exchange. 165 00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:52,961 Why doesn't he retire? 166 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,547 Oh, look at this little bastard. 167 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:59,759 "Boy lands plum role for top Italian director." Of course he does! 168 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,803 Probably on a tenner a day, 169 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,889 and I know what for, two pounds ten for a tit 170 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,435 and a fiver for his arse. 171 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:11,187 Have you been at the controls? 172 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,897 What? 173 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,275 The thermostats. What have you done to them? 174 00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:16,735 I haven't touched them. 175 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,903 Then why has my head gone numb? 176 00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,322 I must have some booze. 177 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,075 I demand to have some booze! 178 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,035 I wouldn't drink that if I were you. 179 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,412 Why not? 180 00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:30,248 Because I don't advise it. 181 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,876 Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. 182 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,502 That's worse than meths. 183 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,629 Nonsense. This is far superior to meths. 184 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:39,758 Wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it. 185 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:46,765 [gasps] Have you got any more? [chuckles] 186 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,185 Liar. What's in your tool box? 187 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,936 We have nothing. Sit down. 188 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,522 Liar. You've got antifreeze. 189 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,609 You bloody fool. You should never mix your drinks. 190 00:12:57,651 --> 00:13:01,029 [laughing hysterically] 191 00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,947 [Withnail, vomiting] 192 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:08,745 All right. This is the plan. 193 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,622 We'll get in there and get wrecked. 194 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:14,125 Then we'll eat a pork pie and drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each. 195 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,879 Means we'll miss out Monday, but come up smiling Tuesday morning. 196 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,298 What's that appalling smell? 197 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:24,803 Perfume on my boots. I had to scrub them with essence of petunia. 198 00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:35,313 Two large gins. Two pints of cider. Ice in the cider. 199 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:38,441 If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money. 200 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:41,152 If your father was my father you wouldn't get it. 201 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,821 (barman) Here lads. 202 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,823 Chin chin. 203 00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:49,828 Oh. 204 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,498 You know what's his name? 205 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,667 What about him? 206 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,210 Why don't you give him a call? 207 00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,503 What for? 208 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:00,672 Ask him about his house? 209 00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:04,092 You want me to call what's his name and ask him about his house? 210 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,844 Why not? 211 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,512 All right. What's his number? 212 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,014 I've no idea, I've never met him. 213 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,767 Neither have I . Who the fuck are you talking about? 214 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,186 Your relative, with the house in the country. 215 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,354 Uncle Monty? 216 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,439 That's the one. 217 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:21,442 Get the Jag fixed up and spend the week in the country. 218 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:25,029 All right. Give us a tenner and I'll give him a bell. 219 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:28,283 Here, get a couple more in. 220 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,368 I'm going for a slash. 221 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:39,043 Ponce. 222 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:45,383 [Marwood, trembling, off] I could hardly piss straight with fear. 223 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:49,137 A man with three quarters of an inch of brain had taken a dislike to me. 224 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,055 What have I done to offend him? 225 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,474 I don't consciously offend big men like this, 226 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,144 he has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. 227 00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:59,314 Get any more masculine than him you'd have to live up a tree. 228 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,233 I fuck arses? Who fucks arses? 229 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,736 Maybe he fucks arses. 230 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:08,573 Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity. 231 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:13,077 I'm in considerable danger in here. I must get out of here at once. 232 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,084 (big man) Perfumed ponce! 233 00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:24,297 (Withnail) You'll be pleased to hear Monty's invited us for drinks. 234 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,424 Balls to Monty. We're getting out. 235 00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,761 Balls to Monty? I've just spent an hour flattering the bugger. 236 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,181 There's one over there that doesn't like the perfume. The big one. 237 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:36,851 Don't look. We're in danger. We've got to get out. 238 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,353 What are you talking about? 239 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,689 I've been called a ponce. 240 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,901 What fucker said that? 241 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,992 I called him a ponce. 242 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,955 And now I'm calling you one. Ponce! 243 00:15:56,997 --> 00:16:00,041 Would you like a drink? 244 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,877 What's your name? Mac Fuck? 245 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,214 I have a heart condition. 246 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:09,509 I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder. 247 00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:12,470 I'll murder the pair of you. 248 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,765 (sobbing) My wife is having a baby. 249 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:20,561 (Withnail) Listen, I don't know what my acquaintance did to upset you 250 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,231 but it's nothing to do with me. 251 00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:27,235 I suggest you both go outside and discuss it sensibly 252 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,695 in the street. 253 00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,905 Ah! 254 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,116 Out of my way, Marwood! 255 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,829 [melancholy music] 256 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:43,501 (Marwood, off) Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. 257 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:48,631 Time change. You lose, you gain. 258 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:53,219 Makes no difference as long as you keep taking the pills. 259 00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:57,724 But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing. 260 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:03,354 And all at once those frozen hours melt through the nervous system 261 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:07,025 and seep out the pores. 262 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,610 (Withnail) Bastards. 263 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:14,699 Just to suck some miserable cheap cigar and the bastards won't see me. 264 00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,620 Why are we having lunch in here? 265 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,247 It's dinner and Danny's here. 266 00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:23,541 Danny? How did he get in? 267 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:26,252 I let him in this morning . He's lost one of his clogs. 268 00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,213 He's come in because of his perpetual cold. 269 00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,300 I hope tobacco sales plummet. 270 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,594 I got your saveloy. Here. 271 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,554 I don't want it. 272 00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:39,223 Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later. 273 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,060 Don't vent spleen on me. I'm in the same boat. 274 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,645 Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. 275 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:49,067 The only thing you're in that I've been in is this fucking bath. 276 00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,402 [slams] 277 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,654 (Marwood, off) Danny's here. 278 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,407 Head hunter to his friends. 279 00:17:56,450 --> 00:18:00,411 Head hunter to everybody. He doesn't have any friends. 280 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,206 The only people he converses with are his clients 281 00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,583 and occasionally, the police. 282 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:11,005 The purveyor of rare herbs and prescribed chemicals is back. 283 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,592 Will we never be set free? 284 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,972 Danny. 285 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:23,351 (Danny) You're looking very beautiful, man. Have you been away? 286 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:28,523 St. Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that. 287 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,608 Have you got any food? 288 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,611 Hm . As a matter a fact I've got a saveloy. 289 00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:37,198 [sniffs] How much is it? 290 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,741 You can have it for nothing. 291 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,284 You're wearing a suit. 292 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,995 What's it gotta do with you? 293 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:47,458 (Danny) No need to get uptight, man . I was merely making an observation. 294 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:51,337 I happened to be looking for a suit for the coal-man two weeks ago. 295 00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:55,216 For reasons I can't really discuss with you. 296 00:18:55,300 --> 00:19:01,013 The coal-man had to go to Jamaica, got busted coming back through Heathrow. 297 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:05,476 Had a weight under his fez. 298 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:09,730 We worked out that it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit 299 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:13,067 but he's a very low temperature spade, the coal-man. 300 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,654 Goes into Court in his kaftan and a bell. [sucks] 301 00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:20,575 [coughs] This doesn't go down at all well. 302 00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,995 They can handle the kaftan . They can't handle the bell. 303 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,373 So there's this judge sitting there in a cape like fucking Batman 304 00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,292 with this far out looking hat-- 305 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,002 (Withnail) Wig. 306 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:34,505 No, man . This was more like a long white hat. 307 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,424 So he looks at the coal-man and says, 308 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,886 "What's all this? This is a Courtroom. 309 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,138 This ain't fancy dress?" 310 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:44,182 And the coal-man looks at him and says, 311 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:47,351 "You think you look normal, Your Honor?" 312 00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:50,021 The cunt gives him two years. 313 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:52,690 [chuckles] 314 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:55,359 I'm afraid I can't offer you gentlemen anything. 315 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:58,779 (Marwood) That's all right, Danny. We decided to lay off for a bit. 316 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,950 That's what I thought. Except for personal use, I concur with you. 317 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,872 As a matter of fact, I'm considering retiring and going into business. 318 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,457 Doing what? 319 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,375 The toy industry. 320 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,711 I thought you were in the bottle industry. 321 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,214 No, man . That's a sideline. 322 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:17,757 You can have that. 323 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:19,967 I nstructions are included. 324 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,055 Yeah, my partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. 325 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:27,516 His name's Presuming Ed. 326 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:31,562 His sister gave him the idea. She's got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. 327 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,189 Really? 328 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:35,358 Then you gotta change its drawers for it. 329 00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:38,444 It's horrible, really but they like that, the little girls. 330 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,988 So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well. 331 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,823 Shits itself? 332 00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:46,369 He's an expert. He's building the prototype now. 333 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,375 Why is he behaving so up-tightly? 334 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:55,253 Because a gang of cheroot vendors considered a haircut 335 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,088 beyond the limit of my abilities. 336 00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,507 I don't advise a haircut, man. 337 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:02,551 All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. 338 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:07,181 Hair are your aerials, they pick up signals from the Cosmos 339 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:10,017 and transmit them directly into the brain. 340 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,646 This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight. 341 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,940 What absolute twaddle. 342 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,234 Has he just been busted? 343 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,819 No. 344 00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:21,779 Then why is he wearing that old suit? 345 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,447 Old suit? 346 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,616 This suit was cut by Hawkes of Saville Row. 347 00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,952 Just because the best tailoring you've seen 348 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,830 is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything. 349 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:32,873 Don't get uptight with me. 350 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:37,169 'Cause if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. 351 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:41,674 And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to. 352 00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,801 You wouldn't spike me. You're too mean. 353 00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,554 Besides, there's nothing invented I couldn't take. 354 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:53,185 If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present. 355 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:56,981 I could take double anything you could. 356 00:21:57,065 --> 00:22:02,153 Very, very foolish words, man. 357 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,030 (Marwood) He's right, Withnail. 358 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:05,865 Look at him. His mechanism's gone. 359 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,367 He's had more drugs than you've had hot dinners. 360 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,786 I'm not having this shag-sack insulting me. 361 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,663 Let him get his drugs out. 362 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:18,377 This doll is extremely dangerous. 363 00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:20,713 It has Voo-Doo qualities. 364 00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,381 [sniggers] 365 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:37,938 Trade Phenodihydrochloride benzorex. 366 00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,566 Street. The Embalmer. 367 00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:42,943 Balls. I'll swallow it and run a mile. 368 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,112 Cool your boots, man. 369 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,323 This pill's valued at two quid. 370 00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,116 Two quid! You're out of your mind. 371 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:50,743 That's sense, Withnail. 372 00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:52,995 You can stuff it up your arse for nothing 373 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,665 and fuck off while you're doing it. 374 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,377 No need to insult me, man. 375 00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:01,629 I was leaving anyway. 376 00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:06,384 Have either of you got shoes? 377 00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,307 [distant bell tolling] 378 00:23:33,286 --> 00:23:35,162 Monty's car. 379 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,754 [piano music from inside] 380 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,006 Well, hello. 381 00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,384 Come in. 382 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,599 [cheerful classic piano music] 383 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:57,101 Sit down, do. 384 00:23:57,185 --> 00:23:59,353 Would you like a drink? 385 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,731 Sherry. 386 00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:05,443 Sherry? 387 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:08,237 Sherry. 388 00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:14,160 Do you like vegetables? 389 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:17,204 I've always been fond of root 390 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:20,124 but I've only started to grow last summer. 391 00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:24,462 I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. 392 00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:25,880 Chin chin. 393 00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:26,964 Do you grow-- 394 00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:28,299 Geraniums. 395 00:24:28,341 --> 00:24:30,050 Oh, you little traitors. 396 00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,553 I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating 397 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,346 than the Geranium. 398 00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:37,475 Hm . The carrot has mystery. 399 00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:40,394 Flowers are essentially tarts. 400 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:44,190 Prostitutes for the bees. 401 00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:48,194 There is, you will agree, a certain "je nes c'cst quoi" 402 00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:52,490 oh, so very special about a firm young carrot-- 403 00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:54,575 Hm . Excuse me. 404 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:58,120 Do help yourselves to another drink. 405 00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:00,164 What's all this? The man's mad! 406 00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,373 Eccentric. 407 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:03,000 Eccentric? He's insane. 408 00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:05,544 Not only that, he's a raving homosexual. 409 00:25:05,629 --> 00:25:07,171 [cat growls] 410 00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:09,173 (Monty) Beastly little parasite! 411 00:25:09,257 --> 00:25:12,760 How dare you? You little thug. How dare you? 412 00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:18,307 [growling] Beastly, ungrateful little swine. 413 00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:20,017 Shall I get you a drink, Monty? 414 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:21,977 Yes, please, dear boy. 415 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,897 You can prepare me a small rhesus negative Bloody Mary. 416 00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:26,899 You must tell me all the news. 417 00:25:26,983 --> 00:25:29,944 I haven't seen you since you've finished the last film. 418 00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,987 Rather busy, Uncle. TV and stuff. 419 00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:33,739 My agent's attempting to edge me 420 00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:36,325 towards the Royal Shakespeare Company again. 421 00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:38,786 He's just had an audition for rep. 422 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:42,790 Oh, splendid. So you're a Thespian, too? 423 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,128 Monty used to act. 424 00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:50,047 Oh, I'd hardly say that. 425 00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:52,341 It's true, I crept the boards in my youth, 426 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,635 but I never really had it in my blood 427 00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:59,390 And that's what's so essential, isn't it? Theatrical zeal in the veins? 428 00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:03,561 AIas, I have a little more than vintage wine and memories. 429 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:11,151 It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life 430 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:15,406 when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself, 431 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:21,245 I will never play the Dane. 432 00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:24,498 When that moment comes 433 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:30,170 one's ambition ceases. 434 00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,715 Don't you agree? 435 00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:34,925 It's a part I intend to play, Uncle. 436 00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:37,094 And it'll be marvelous. 437 00:26:37,178 --> 00:26:40,306 Marvelous. 438 00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,141 It's gone. 439 00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:46,270 We do it wrong being so majestical 440 00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:48,772 to offer it to the show of violence. 441 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:52,693 Let's get out of here. He's a madman. 442 00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:55,279 He's gonna rush out and get into his tights. 443 00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:57,489 Okay. Gimme a minute. 444 00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:59,950 The house or out. 445 00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:03,120 (Withnail) Could I have a word with you, Monty? 446 00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:06,081 (Monty) Oh, forgive me, dear boy, 447 00:27:06,166 --> 00:27:09,376 I was allowing memory to have the better of me. 448 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,712 (Withnail) Shall I get you a drink, Monty? 449 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:13,631 Oh, thank you. 450 00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:25,017 (Monty) indeed I remember my first agent. 451 00:27:25,101 --> 00:27:27,728 Raymond Duck. 452 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:32,316 He was a dreadful little Israelite. 453 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,985 Four floors up on the Charing Cross Road 454 00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:37,696 and never a job on the top of them. 455 00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:42,660 I'm told you're a writer, too. 456 00:27:42,702 --> 00:27:47,039 (Monty) Do you write poems? 457 00:27:47,123 --> 00:27:52,252 No, I wish I could. It's just thoughts, really. 458 00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:54,171 Are you published? 459 00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:55,547 Oh, no. 460 00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:58,425 Where did you school? 461 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,386 He went to the other place, Monty. 462 00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:01,970 Oh, he went to Eton. 463 00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:03,514 [meows] 464 00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:05,516 Get that damned swine out of here. 465 00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:07,893 [cat growls] 466 00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,689 It's time to get itself in with you . It's trying for even more advantage. 467 00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:15,025 It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now. 468 00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:16,318 It will die. It will die! 469 00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:18,195 Monty, Monty. 470 00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:21,073 No, no, dear boy. You must leave. You must leave. 471 00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:23,409 Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day. 472 00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,869 Listen . Can I have just a quick word with you? 473 00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:28,872 Oh, very well. 474 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:41,552 Good night, my dears. 475 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:43,262 Good night, Monty. 476 00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:45,597 What all this going off in private business? 477 00:28:45,682 --> 00:28:47,224 Why did you say I went to Eton? 478 00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:49,059 Because it helped. 479 00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:52,146 I was establishing you in a context he'd understand. 480 00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:54,648 What do you mean by that? 481 00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:59,820 I mean, free to those that can afford it, and very expensive to those who can't. 482 00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:05,951 [rock music] 483 00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:46,200 Scrubbers! 484 00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:48,202 (girls) Up yours, Granddad! 485 00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:49,620 (Withnail) Scrubbers! 486 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,205 Scrubbers! 487 00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:52,623 (Marwood) Shut up. 488 00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:55,501 Little tarts. They love it. 489 00:29:55,585 --> 00:29:58,295 I'm trying to drive this thing as quietly as possible. 490 00:29:58,338 --> 00:30:01,590 If you don't shut up we'll get stopped by the police. 491 00:30:01,674 --> 00:30:04,092 (Marwood) Give me the bottle. 492 00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:07,387 (Withnail) Look at that! Look at that! "Accident black spots." 493 00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:12,559 These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road! Gladly! 494 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:16,730 Throwing themselves into this road to escape all this hideousness, 495 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:20,859 throw yourself into the road, darling. You haven't got a chance. 496 00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,612 [rock music] 497 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:03,026 (Withnail) At some point or another I wanna stop and get hold of a child. 498 00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,112 (Marwood) What do you want a child for? 499 00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:07,322 To tutor it in the way of righteousness, 500 00:31:07,407 --> 00:31:10,075 and procure some uncontaminated urine. 501 00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:14,246 This is a device enabling the drunken driver to operate in absolute safety. 502 00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:19,126 You fill this with piss, take this pipe down to the trouser 503 00:31:19,210 --> 00:31:23,171 and sellotape this valve to the end of the old chap. 504 00:31:23,256 --> 00:31:27,593 Then you get horribly drunk and they can't fucking touch you. 505 00:31:27,677 --> 00:31:33,724 According to these instructions, you refuse everything but a urine sample. 506 00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,476 You undo your valve, 507 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,813 and give them a dose of unadulterated child's piss. 508 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:43,108 And they have to give you your keys back. 509 00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:45,569 Danny's a genius. 510 00:31:45,612 --> 00:31:47,571 I'm gonna have a dose. 511 00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:49,907 [rock music] 512 00:33:09,028 --> 00:33:10,195 Are we there? 513 00:33:10,279 --> 00:33:11,905 No, we're not. 514 00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,157 We're here, in the middle of a fucking gale. 515 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,160 You'll have to keep a lookout your side. 516 00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:20,831 If you see anything tell me. And get hold of that map. 517 00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:22,165 Where's the whiskey? 518 00:33:22,208 --> 00:33:23,583 What for? 519 00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:25,836 I got a bastard behind the eyes. 520 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,422 I can't take aspirins without a drink. 521 00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:29,756 Where's the aspirins? 522 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,258 Probably in the bathroom. 523 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:33,093 And we've come out here 524 00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:35,762 in the middle of fucking nowhere without aspirins? 525 00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:37,764 Where are we? 526 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:42,936 How should I know? I feel like a pig shat on my head. 527 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,813 Well, get hold of that map 528 00:33:44,897 --> 00:33:47,149 and look for a place called "Crow Crag ." 529 00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:06,543 (Withnail) There must and shall be aspirin 530 00:34:06,586 --> 00:34:10,589 (Marwood) Give me the key and get out of the way. 531 00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:13,550 If I don't get aspirin 532 00:34:13,593 --> 00:34:19,139 I shall die here, on this fucking mountainside. 533 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:22,309 [door creaks] 534 00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:25,270 [howling wind] 535 00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:27,355 [slams door] 536 00:34:35,323 --> 00:34:38,116 Christ Almighty! 537 00:35:11,859 --> 00:35:13,568 (Marwood) Monty? 538 00:35:30,753 --> 00:35:32,379 What are you doing? 539 00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:36,299 Sitting down to enjoy my holiday. 540 00:35:39,011 --> 00:35:42,305 Right. Now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. 541 00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,933 First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight. 542 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,394 Then we'll split into two fact finding groups. 543 00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,771 I'll deal with the water and other plumbings. 544 00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:52,232 You can check the fuel and wood situation. 545 00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:57,737 What's that? 546 00:35:57,822 --> 00:36:00,323 Fuel and wood situation. 547 00:36:00,366 --> 00:36:02,993 There's nothing out there except a hurricane. 548 00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:08,331 This place is uninhabitable. 549 00:36:08,416 --> 00:36:10,417 Give it a chance. It's gotta warm up. 550 00:36:10,501 --> 00:36:14,004 Warm up? We may as well sit around a cigarette. 551 00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:19,676 This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring. 552 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:23,722 I've got a blinding fucking headache. 553 00:36:23,806 --> 00:36:25,765 I must have heat. 554 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:28,268 [smash] 555 00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:31,354 (Withnail) We've got to keep this bastard burning. 556 00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:34,024 Well, we've got enough furniture for tonight. 557 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:36,776 Tomorrow we get down that farm and get some logs. 558 00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:40,906 All this is a mistake. I tell you . This is a dreadful mistake. 559 00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:44,826 [birds chirping] 560 00:37:30,706 --> 00:37:32,999 [melancholy music] 561 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,370 [knocks, dogs bark] 562 00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:53,663 (woman) Who's there? 563 00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:54,998 Me. 564 00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,253 What do you want? 565 00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,088 I'm a friend of Montague Withnail. 566 00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:03,757 He's lent us his cottage. 567 00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:07,093 I wondered if you could sell us some food. 568 00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:09,346 Eggs and things? 569 00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:16,019 What about wood and coal? 570 00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:19,689 I'm not from London, you know. 571 00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:23,026 I don't care where you come from! 572 00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:26,196 (Marwood, off) Not the attitude I've been given to expect 573 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,198 from the H. E. Bates novel I'd read. 574 00:39:28,282 --> 00:39:30,075 I thought they'd all be in the back, 575 00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:32,202 drinking cider and discussing butter. 576 00:39:32,244 --> 00:39:33,953 [sheep bleat] 577 00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:36,456 Clearly a myth. Evidently, country people 578 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:39,459 are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers. 579 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:42,045 [knocks, dogs bark] 580 00:39:42,129 --> 00:39:46,383 Do you think you could tell me where I could buy some coal and wood? 581 00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:49,260 (lady) You'll have to see me son . He runs this farm. 582 00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:50,970 Where is your son? 583 00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:53,973 Up in top fields. You can't miss him. 584 00:39:54,058 --> 00:39:57,811 His leg's bound in polythene. 585 00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,197 [melancholy music] 586 00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:16,704 [thud] Ah! 587 00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:24,462 Withnail, you bastard. Wake up! 588 00:40:26,632 --> 00:40:29,759 Oi! Wake up you bastard! You gotta get wood. 589 00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:31,261 [washing] 590 00:40:31,345 --> 00:40:33,680 Jesus, you're covered in shit. 591 00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:35,515 I tried to get fuel and wood. 592 00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:38,601 There's a miserable little pensioner down there. 593 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,145 She wouldn't give it to me. 594 00:40:40,229 --> 00:40:41,771 Where are we gonna get it then? 595 00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:43,481 There's a man on the mountain, 596 00:40:43,566 --> 00:40:46,693 why he's up there. Fuck knows. 597 00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:52,323 But he's up there with a leg bound in polythene. You can't miss him . He's your man. 598 00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:55,368 And have another look in that shed. Find anything. 599 00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:58,037 If you can't find anything, bring in the shed. 600 00:41:03,544 --> 00:41:06,671 How come Monty owns such a horrible little shack? 601 00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:08,214 I've no idea. 602 00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:10,508 Never discuss your family, do you? 603 00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:13,678 I fail to see my family is of any interest to you. 604 00:41:13,762 --> 00:41:16,389 I have absolutely no interest in yours. 605 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:20,518 I dislike relatives in general and my own in particular. 606 00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:22,312 Why? 607 00:41:22,396 --> 00:41:24,481 Because, I've told you why. 608 00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:26,357 We're incompatible. 609 00:41:26,442 --> 00:41:28,318 They don't like me being on stage. 610 00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:30,820 Then they must be delighted with your career. 611 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,322 What do you mean? 612 00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:33,698 You rarely are. 613 00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:35,992 You just wait. Just you wait. 614 00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,411 When I strike, they won't know what hit them. 615 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,997 There's a tractor approaching. 616 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,750 Get after him. That's the man. 617 00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:46,503 [lively music] 618 00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:48,254 Hey, stop! 619 00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:49,839 Stop! 620 00:41:49,882 --> 00:41:52,217 (Marwood) Stop, please! 621 00:41:52,301 --> 00:41:55,053 Stop, please! Please, stop! 622 00:41:58,182 --> 00:41:59,682 Please, stop. 623 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:01,559 (Withnail) Are you the farmer? 624 00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,770 (Marwood) Shut up. I'll deal with this. 625 00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:05,730 We've gone on holiday by mistake. 626 00:42:05,814 --> 00:42:08,441 We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer? 627 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,819 Stop saying that, Withnail . Of course he's the fucking farmer! 628 00:42:11,904 --> 00:42:14,864 We're friends of Montague Withnail. 629 00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:17,367 We desperately need fuel and wood. 630 00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:20,078 Montague Withnail. 631 00:42:20,162 --> 00:42:23,248 You must know him . Fat man, owns the cottage. 632 00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:25,583 I seen a fat man. London type. Queer sort. 633 00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:27,502 I think his name's French or summit. 634 00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:30,088 French? 635 00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:33,925 Aye, Adrien de la Touche. But he ain't been here for a couple of years. 636 00:42:34,009 --> 00:42:35,927 Last time I saw him he were with his son. 637 00:42:36,011 --> 00:42:37,804 Yeah, that's him. 638 00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:40,223 We're bona fide. We're not from London. 639 00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:41,933 Could we have some fuel and wood? 640 00:42:42,017 --> 00:42:43,560 I could bring some logs later, 641 00:42:43,602 --> 00:42:45,228 I've got the cows to feed first. 642 00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:46,896 When? 643 00:42:46,981 --> 00:42:48,940 Shut up! That would be very nice of you. 644 00:42:49,024 --> 00:42:51,401 Do you think you could sell us something to eat? 645 00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,529 I could bring you a chicken, but you should go to the village. 646 00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:56,155 That would be very kind, M r-- 647 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:57,490 Parkin. 648 00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,409 What happened to your leg? 649 00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:02,662 Got me a randy bull up there. Give me one in knee. 650 00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:05,915 [lively music] 651 00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:07,584 [whistling] 652 00:43:14,466 --> 00:43:17,093 (Marwood) You wanna get out the back, don't you? 653 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:18,803 Get some spuds up? 654 00:43:18,887 --> 00:43:21,347 Sorry, I can't. My boots are in the oven. 655 00:43:24,101 --> 00:43:25,643 You'd go out if you had boots? 656 00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:27,103 Gladly. 657 00:43:53,672 --> 00:43:55,798 I've got one! 658 00:44:20,699 --> 00:44:22,533 Great! How much do we owe you? 659 00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,577 Er, pay us when you come down. 660 00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:25,995 What about this chicken? 661 00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:27,997 It's on back. 662 00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:40,843 Oi. 663 00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:43,513 Parkin's been. There's the supper. 664 00:44:43,597 --> 00:44:45,431 What are we supposed to do with that? 665 00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:46,766 Eat it. 666 00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:48,685 Eat it? The fucker's alive! 667 00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:50,478 I know that. You've got to kill it. 668 00:44:50,562 --> 00:44:52,647 I'm the fire lighter and fuel collector. 669 00:44:52,731 --> 00:44:54,899 I know that but I got the logs in. 670 00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:02,156 It takes away your appetite looking at it. 671 00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:05,952 No it doesn't. I'm starving . How can we make it die? 672 00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:07,787 You have to throttle them. 673 00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:10,873 I think you should strangle it instantly, 674 00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:13,042 in case it tries to make friends with us. 675 00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:17,171 All right. Get hold of it. You hold it down and I'll strangle it. 676 00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:20,925 I can't. It's got dreadful beady eyes. They stare you out. 677 00:45:21,009 --> 00:45:24,721 It's a bloody chicken. Just think of it with bacon across its back. 678 00:45:24,763 --> 00:45:27,056 All right. I'll deal with this. 679 00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:28,933 You'll have to get its guts out. 680 00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:40,361 Never point guns at people. It's extremely dangerous. 681 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:43,489 What about this roasting dish? What are we gonna cook it in? 682 00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:45,616 You're the food man. I've no idea. 683 00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,660 I wish I'd found this an hour ago. 684 00:45:47,745 --> 00:45:51,122 I'd have taken great pleasure in gunning his gullet down. 685 00:45:51,206 --> 00:45:54,625 Shouldn't it be more bald than that? 686 00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:56,586 No, it shouldn't. 687 00:45:56,670 --> 00:46:00,423 All right. We're gonna have to reverse the roles. 688 00:46:00,507 --> 00:46:03,551 We'll bake the potatoes in the oven. 689 00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:08,473 And we can boil this bastard over the fire. 690 00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:12,435 Let's get its feet off. 691 00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:14,312 No, it's gonna need its feet. 692 00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,788 It can stand with its legs either side of that. 693 00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,799 I've already put a two shilling piece in. 694 00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:44,675 No, I haven't got another. 695 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:49,764 Well, it's not my fault if the system doesn't work. 696 00:46:49,848 --> 00:46:53,643 The bitch hung up on me. 697 00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:09,742 (Withnail) Hello. 698 00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,662 How are you? Very well. 699 00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:16,415 A what? 700 00:47:16,500 --> 00:47:18,584 Why wouldn't they see me? 701 00:47:18,669 --> 00:47:20,711 This is ridiculous. 702 00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:23,714 I haven't been for a job in three months. 703 00:47:23,799 --> 00:47:27,093 Understudy Constantine? I'm not gonna understudy Constantine, 704 00:47:27,177 --> 00:47:29,428 why can't I play the part? 705 00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:31,764 This is ridiculous. 706 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:36,352 No, I'm not in London. Penrith . Penrith! 707 00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:39,856 What about TV? 708 00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:43,067 Listen, I pay you 10 percent to do that. 709 00:47:43,151 --> 00:47:46,946 Well, then lick 10 percent of the asses for me then. 710 00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:51,367 Hello? Hello? 711 00:47:51,451 --> 00:47:54,203 How dare you? Fuck you! 712 00:47:54,288 --> 00:47:56,706 [kicks and bangs] 713 00:47:56,790 --> 00:48:01,544 Bastard asked me to understudy Constantine in the "Sea Gull ." 714 00:48:01,628 --> 00:48:05,798 I'm not gonna understudy anybody. 715 00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:08,551 Specially that little pimp. 716 00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,971 Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. 717 00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:14,724 Always full of women staring out of windows, 718 00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:18,394 whining about ducks going to Moscow. 719 00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:30,323 What do you think of Desmond Wolfe? 720 00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:31,824 I n respect of what? 721 00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:33,910 I'm thinking of changing my name. 722 00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:36,329 It's too like Donald Wolfitt. 723 00:48:36,413 --> 00:48:38,915 Change over point. 724 00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:43,711 [tractor engine] 725 00:48:43,795 --> 00:48:45,504 Do you think he's happier than us? 726 00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:47,506 No. 727 00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,804 I suppose happiness is relative. 728 00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:57,266 But I never thought it would be a polythene bag without a hole in it. 729 00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,143 Hey! 730 00:48:59,227 --> 00:49:00,686 What's the matter with him? 731 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,939 Shut the gate! Shut the gate! 732 00:49:02,981 --> 00:49:04,315 You didn't shut the gate. 733 00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:06,525 [bellowing] 734 00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,487 (Parkin) Stop that bull! 735 00:49:09,571 --> 00:49:12,698 [bellowing] 736 00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:15,743 Grab its ring. Keep your bag up. 737 00:49:15,827 --> 00:49:17,495 (Withnail) Out vibe it. 738 00:49:17,579 --> 00:49:21,123 [panting] Hey! Show no fear. Just run at it. 739 00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:24,126 That can't be sensible, the bastard's about to run at me! 740 00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:25,294 He's randy. 741 00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:26,879 I know! 742 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:29,173 He wants to have sex with those cows. 743 00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:30,967 Shut up, Withnail! 744 00:49:31,009 --> 00:49:32,635 Run at it shouting! 745 00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:35,972 Do as he says. Start shouting. 746 00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:37,139 [snorts] 747 00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:39,058 It won't gore you. 748 00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:44,313 A coward you are, and expert on bulls, you are not. 749 00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:46,440 Ah! 750 00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:48,484 [bull grunts] 751 00:49:48,568 --> 00:49:50,861 [Marwood continues shouting] 752 00:49:50,946 --> 00:49:53,072 [bellows] 753 00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,911 Shut that gate and keep it shut! 754 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:01,747 [bull bellows] 755 00:50:01,832 --> 00:50:06,002 I think you need an evening at the Crow. 756 00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:11,549 (Marwood, off) if the Crow and Crown ever had life, it was dead now. 757 00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,718 It was like walking into a lung. 758 00:50:13,802 --> 00:50:16,554 A sulfur stained and nicotine yellow 759 00:50:16,638 --> 00:50:19,015 and fly blown lung. 760 00:50:19,057 --> 00:50:22,768 It's landlord was a retired alcoholic with military pretensions 761 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:25,896 and a complexion like the inside of a teapot. 762 00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:29,567 By the time the doors opened, he was arseholed on rum, 763 00:50:29,651 --> 00:50:33,487 and then got progressively more arseholed 'till he could take no more 764 00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:36,699 and fell over about twelve o'clock. 765 00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:40,244 We'll have another pair of large scotches. 766 00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:58,054 [ring] Oh! 767 00:50:58,138 --> 00:51:01,098 Thought I was going for a minute. 768 00:51:01,183 --> 00:51:03,225 No man's put me down yet. 769 00:51:03,268 --> 00:51:05,728 Have you had any training in the martial arts? 770 00:51:05,812 --> 00:51:07,730 Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. 771 00:51:07,814 --> 00:51:10,900 Before I became a journalist I was in the Territorials. 772 00:51:10,984 --> 00:51:13,819 Do you know, when you first came in here, 773 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:17,239 I knew you were a services man. 774 00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:20,868 You can never, never disguise it. 775 00:51:23,246 --> 00:51:24,497 What were you in? 776 00:51:24,581 --> 00:51:26,165 Tanks. 777 00:51:26,249 --> 00:51:28,000 Africa Corps. 778 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,919 A little before your time. 779 00:51:29,961 --> 00:51:32,588 Don't supposed you've engaged, have you? 780 00:51:32,672 --> 00:51:34,340 I reland. 781 00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:37,259 Oh, a crack at the M ick. 782 00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,845 We'll have another pair of large scotches. 783 00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:41,889 These shall be my pleasure. 784 00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:49,563 What eh, are you doing up here then? 785 00:51:49,648 --> 00:51:52,316 (Withnail) We're doing a feature for Country Life. 786 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,193 A survey of rural types. 787 00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:58,614 You know, cheers, eh, farmers, travelling tinkers, 788 00:51:58,657 --> 00:52:00,616 milkmen and that sort of thing. 789 00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:05,079 Have you, eh, 790 00:52:05,163 --> 00:52:07,373 met Jake? 791 00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:10,209 Poacher. Works the lake. 792 00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:13,295 But, eh, keep it under your hat. 793 00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:26,308 What's all this army bullocks? 794 00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,602 We got a drink, didn't we? 795 00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:36,527 Time, gentlemen. 796 00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:37,987 I think he means it. 797 00:53:09,728 --> 00:53:11,729 [whispering] Ask him if we can have one. 798 00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:13,439 What for? 799 00:53:13,523 --> 00:53:16,859 So we can eat it. We're fed up with stew. 800 00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,951 Excuse me. Could we have an eel? 801 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,454 You've got eels down your leg. 802 00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:30,122 You leave them alone. 803 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,918 Nothing down there of interest to you. 804 00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:36,253 Help us out, Raymond. 805 00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:41,050 These have been fed from asshole to beak. 806 00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:45,554 What about one of those pheasants? 807 00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:47,097 Go on . Ask him. 808 00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:49,225 Excuse me. 809 00:53:49,309 --> 00:53:52,478 We were wondering if we could purchase a pheasant off of you. 810 00:53:52,562 --> 00:53:54,939 No. I've got nothing to sell. 811 00:53:55,023 --> 00:53:57,983 Come on, old boy. What's in your hump? 812 00:53:58,068 --> 00:54:01,904 Now look you, them pheasants are for his pot. 813 00:54:01,988 --> 00:54:05,950 These eels are for my pot. Why should I give you something for your pot? 814 00:54:06,034 --> 00:54:07,159 What pot? 815 00:54:07,244 --> 00:54:08,452 Our cooking pot. 816 00:54:08,536 --> 00:54:10,329 Ah . He knows. 817 00:54:10,413 --> 00:54:12,748 Hey. Give us a wheeze on that fag. 818 00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,963 I might come and see you lads in the week. 819 00:54:19,047 --> 00:54:20,631 I might fetch you up a rabbit. 820 00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:22,841 We don't want a rabbit. We want a pheasant. 821 00:54:22,926 --> 00:54:25,970 Listen, you young prat, I ain't got no pheasants. 822 00:54:26,054 --> 00:54:29,181 Ain't got no birds, no more than you have. 823 00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:31,809 Of course you have. You're the poacher. 824 00:54:31,893 --> 00:54:35,104 If I hear more words out of you, 825 00:54:35,188 --> 00:54:37,481 I'll put one of these here black pods on you. 826 00:54:37,565 --> 00:54:39,316 Don't threaten me with a dead fish. 827 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:41,527 Half dead he may be. 828 00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:45,823 But I'll come up after you and I'll wake you up with a live one. 829 00:54:45,907 --> 00:54:49,618 Sod your pheasants. You'll have to find us first. 830 00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:51,996 I know where you are. You're at Crow Craig. 831 00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:54,498 I've been watching you. 832 00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:58,919 Especially you, prancing like a tit. 833 00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:01,839 You want working on, boy. 834 00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:05,509 (Withnail) Fancy that silage heap hanging around up here. 835 00:55:05,593 --> 00:55:08,387 I'll take the bastard axe to him! 836 00:55:08,471 --> 00:55:10,889 Bastards! 837 00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:13,017 You'll all suffer! 838 00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:15,227 I'll show the lot of you! 839 00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:19,148 [at the top of his voice] I'm gonna be a star! 840 00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:22,651 [echoing] 841 00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:28,032 VVegetables again? We'll sprout fucking feelers soon, 842 00:55:28,116 --> 00:55:31,035 must be 20,000 sheep out there on those volcanoes 843 00:55:31,119 --> 00:55:33,370 and we've got a plateful of carrots. 844 00:55:33,455 --> 00:55:34,997 There's black puddings in it. 845 00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:36,707 Black puddings are no good to us. 846 00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:39,668 I want something's flesh. 847 00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:48,552 [gunshot] Ah! 848 00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:54,016 Look! Come here. Down here, look. 849 00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,060 Under the rock. Look, I can see it. 850 00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:59,646 Here, look. 851 00:56:01,858 --> 00:56:04,902 Look. Here. There's two of them . Look. 852 00:56:04,986 --> 00:56:06,820 Come on . Come on. 853 00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:21,960 [melancholy music] 854 00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:35,391 I think I'll call myself Donald Twain. 855 00:56:35,475 --> 00:56:37,142 [whispers] Stop. 856 00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:38,811 Down. 857 00:56:41,481 --> 00:56:43,982 [whispers] It's him. What does he want? 858 00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:45,984 We'd better ask him. 859 00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:48,779 Don't be a fool. He's got a gun. Bastard's psychotic. 860 00:56:48,863 --> 00:56:51,573 You've only got to look at him. 861 00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:03,168 (Withnail) This place has become impossible. 862 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,131 Perpetual rain. Freezing cold. 863 00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:10,175 And now a bloody madman on the prowl outside with eels. 864 00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,594 (Marwood) All right. You've made your point. 865 00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:15,097 We'll pack up and get out tomorrow. 866 00:57:15,181 --> 00:57:16,306 What are you doing? 867 00:57:16,391 --> 00:57:18,267 I'm going for a slash. 868 00:57:18,351 --> 00:57:20,936 You can't. I can't get my boots on when they're hot. 869 00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:22,438 I'll go alone. 870 00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,398 You're not leaving me in here alone. 871 00:57:24,482 --> 00:57:26,817 Those are the kind of windows faces look in at. 872 00:57:26,901 --> 00:57:28,444 Then I won't have a slash. 873 00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:30,654 I think we should sleep together tonight. 874 00:57:30,738 --> 00:57:33,365 Don't be ridiculous. He won't come here in the dark. 875 00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:35,909 If he comes here and catches one of us unawares 876 00:57:35,994 --> 00:57:38,954 he's got a much better chance of dealing with the other. 877 00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:40,414 No. [slams door] 878 00:57:48,923 --> 00:57:51,508 [chuckles] 879 00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:54,887 What's the matter with you? 880 00:57:54,971 --> 00:57:57,181 What are you laughing at? 881 00:57:57,265 --> 00:57:59,808 I was dreaming. What do you want? 882 00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:04,521 You've frightened the piss out of me. Move over, I'm getting in. 883 00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:09,985 This is ridiculous. 884 00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,862 I'll have to sleep in your bed. 885 00:58:11,946 --> 00:58:13,489 I'll come with you then. 886 00:58:13,531 --> 00:58:14,823 Will you get out? 887 00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:15,949 No. 888 00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,534 Then I will. 889 00:58:25,335 --> 00:58:28,504 All right. You can stay but the gun doesn't. 890 00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:31,173 No. I intend to keep awake till morning. 891 00:58:31,257 --> 00:58:33,175 This is my bed. I demand precedence. 892 00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:34,343 No! 893 00:58:34,427 --> 00:58:37,179 [gunshots] 894 00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:42,518 You fucking bastard! 895 00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:43,936 [smashing glass] 896 00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:08,210 [muffled] Get out. Fuck you. Fuck off. 897 00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:09,795 Sh! Listen. 898 00:59:09,879 --> 00:59:11,964 There's nothing! Get to bed. 899 00:59:12,048 --> 00:59:13,465 [whispers] I heard a noise. 900 00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:18,053 I must get in. 901 00:59:18,137 --> 00:59:20,806 Oh, for fuck's sake. 902 00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:22,641 [noise] What was that? 903 00:59:22,725 --> 00:59:23,809 That's it! 904 00:59:23,893 --> 00:59:25,060 What is it? 905 00:59:25,103 --> 00:59:26,728 It's the maniac. 906 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:28,981 It's probably foxes looking for grub. 907 00:59:29,065 --> 00:59:30,649 Listen. 908 00:59:30,733 --> 00:59:33,569 Maybe it's the farmer. 909 00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:35,779 At two o'clock in the morning? 910 00:59:35,863 --> 00:59:39,324 It's the killer. He's come to kill us. 911 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,492 What are we gonna do? 912 00:59:40,577 --> 00:59:42,411 [noise] 913 00:59:42,495 --> 00:59:46,582 [gasps] He want to get in, he's trying to get in. 914 00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:50,085 He can't. He'll go away. 915 00:59:50,128 --> 00:59:51,837 He's going away. 916 00:59:51,921 --> 00:59:54,840 [silence] 917 00:59:58,678 --> 01:00:01,763 This is all your fault. You've even given him the fucking gun. 918 01:00:01,848 --> 01:00:03,599 [noise] 919 01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:06,852 [glass crashing] 920 01:00:06,936 --> 01:00:10,772 He's coming through the window. He's getting in. 921 01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:12,608 Gimme the matches. 922 01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:14,276 Downstairs. 923 01:00:14,319 --> 01:00:17,362 He's in. 924 01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:20,866 He's sharpening a fucking knife. 925 01:00:20,950 --> 01:00:23,952 I think we'll have to tackle him. 926 01:00:24,037 --> 01:00:25,996 Stay in bed and pretend to be asleep. 927 01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,206 When he goes for you I'll jump on his back. 928 01:00:28,291 --> 01:00:30,959 No, it'll be too late. I'll be knifed by then. 929 01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:33,378 We'll have to try and make friends with him. 930 01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:40,010 [creaking footsteps] 931 01:00:40,094 --> 01:00:42,512 He's going into your room. 932 01:00:42,597 --> 01:00:44,473 It's you he wants. 933 01:00:44,515 --> 01:00:47,225 Offer him yourself. 934 01:00:55,193 --> 01:01:00,530 [moans] We mean no harm. 935 01:01:00,615 --> 01:01:06,078 (Monty) Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me. 936 01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:07,621 Monty. Monty. 937 01:01:07,705 --> 01:01:10,082 Monty, you terrible cunt! 938 01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:13,418 Forgive me. it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed. 939 01:01:13,503 --> 01:01:16,546 What are you doing, prowling around in the fucking night? 940 01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:19,925 Well, I had a punctured tire. I had to wait an aeon for assistance. 941 01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:22,511 I'm sorry if I frightened you. 942 01:01:22,595 --> 01:01:26,515 I should have knocked, but, I'll, I'll sleep in the other room, if I may. 943 01:01:26,599 --> 01:01:28,016 Anywhere you like. 944 01:01:28,101 --> 01:01:31,603 Eh, yes, well eh, good night. 945 01:01:36,192 --> 01:01:39,403 Ah, good morning. SIeep well? 946 01:01:39,487 --> 01:01:40,737 Hm. 947 01:01:45,702 --> 01:01:48,870 Uh, eh, I do apologize for last night. 948 01:01:48,955 --> 01:01:50,914 It was perfectly inconsiderate of me. 949 01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:54,209 It's all right. You've been busy in here. 950 01:01:54,252 --> 01:01:55,794 As a bee. 951 01:01:55,878 --> 01:01:57,963 How did you repair the window? 952 01:01:58,047 --> 01:02:02,300 Oh, I didn't break it. Merely forced it a little. 953 01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,803 Sorry if I frightened you, 954 01:02:04,887 --> 01:02:07,806 there was an empty wine bottle on the ledge. 955 01:02:07,890 --> 01:02:10,642 Uh, tomatoes. 956 01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:12,227 Yes? 957 01:02:16,524 --> 01:02:18,483 (Monty) Why don't you go and wake him? 958 01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,360 Breakfast in 15 minutes. 959 01:02:20,445 --> 01:02:24,489 The old order changeth, 960 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:28,452 yielding place to new. 961 01:02:28,536 --> 01:02:33,081 And God fulfills himself in many ways. 962 01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:36,168 And soon, 963 01:02:36,252 --> 01:02:38,670 I suppose, 964 01:02:38,755 --> 01:02:45,302 I shall be swept away by some vulgar little tumor. 965 01:02:45,386 --> 01:02:49,848 Oh, my boys, my boys, 966 01:02:49,932 --> 01:02:52,142 we're at the end of an age. 967 01:02:52,226 --> 01:02:55,854 We live in a land of weather forecasts 968 01:02:55,938 --> 01:02:58,315 breakfasts that "set in ." 969 01:02:58,399 --> 01:03:02,611 Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour. 970 01:03:02,695 --> 01:03:06,531 And here we are. We three. 971 01:03:06,616 --> 01:03:09,868 Perhaps the last island of beauty 972 01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:14,498 in the world . Now, 973 01:03:14,582 --> 01:03:16,792 which of you is going to be a splendid fellow 974 01:03:16,876 --> 01:03:19,377 and go down to the Rolls for the rest of the things? 975 01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:21,379 (both) I will! 976 01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:24,174 I'd better go. I want to see about digging the car out. 977 01:03:24,258 --> 01:03:25,967 But we have my car. 978 01:03:26,052 --> 01:03:28,428 Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered. I mean-- 979 01:03:28,513 --> 01:03:30,263 Stranded! 980 01:03:30,348 --> 01:03:32,808 We'll leave the car till later. Leave this to me. 981 01:03:32,892 --> 01:03:34,434 I'm coming, I fancy a walk. 982 01:03:34,519 --> 01:03:36,520 No, I hear you're a wizard in the kitchen 983 01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:38,396 I shall need you to work on the joint. 984 01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:40,232 Yeah, you're the cook. 985 01:03:40,316 --> 01:03:42,108 (Monty) Uh, what on earth are those? 986 01:03:42,193 --> 01:03:44,653 We forgot to bring our Wellingtons. 987 01:03:44,737 --> 01:03:49,574 Oh, how dreadful . You've been up here in this beastly mud and oomska without them? 988 01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:52,494 This afternoon I'm going to take you both into Penrith 989 01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:53,954 and get you fitted 990 01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:59,167 with good quality rubber boots. 991 01:03:59,252 --> 01:04:03,213 Garlic, rosemary and salt. 992 01:04:03,297 --> 01:04:06,299 I brought two of these in case you were good in the kitchen. 993 01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:08,343 I'm not. 994 01:04:08,427 --> 01:04:11,429 Of course you are. Cooking's one of the natural instincts. 995 01:04:11,514 --> 01:04:14,516 Listen, Monty. This is all very kind of you, but-- 996 01:04:14,600 --> 01:04:17,269 I think I ought to be getting some work done on the car. 997 01:04:17,353 --> 01:04:19,813 You haven't time. Luncheon's at three. 998 01:04:19,897 --> 01:04:21,189 We have to leave by three. 999 01:04:21,274 --> 01:04:23,191 Leave? 1000 01:04:23,234 --> 01:04:26,778 Oh, didn't he tell you? We have to get back to sign on. 1001 01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:31,199 Sign on? At a Labour Exchange? 1002 01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,785 Yeah . It's sort of fashionable, actually. 1003 01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:37,038 All the actors do. Even Redgrave. 1004 01:04:37,081 --> 01:04:41,626 But surely you could forego for just this one occasion? 1005 01:04:41,711 --> 01:04:44,379 I've come a very long way to see you both. 1006 01:04:44,463 --> 01:04:46,548 Can't actually, I mean-- 1007 01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:49,759 I'd love to stay. But he's more adamant to get back than I am. 1008 01:04:49,844 --> 01:04:53,388 Then we must choose our moment 1009 01:04:56,475 --> 01:04:59,269 and have a word with him. 1010 01:05:01,689 --> 01:05:05,233 I'm sure together we could persuade him. 1011 01:05:07,111 --> 01:05:09,821 There, now. Garlic, 1012 01:05:09,906 --> 01:05:13,074 rosemary and salt. 1013 01:05:13,159 --> 01:05:16,328 I can never touch meat until it's cooked. 1014 01:05:16,412 --> 01:05:19,831 As a youth, I used to weep in butcher's shops. 1015 01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:22,334 I can't find the rosemary. 1016 01:05:25,546 --> 01:05:27,797 (Monty) I can't find the rosemary. 1017 01:05:27,882 --> 01:05:31,801 I'm sure we can find it together. 1018 01:05:34,805 --> 01:05:36,348 Perhaps it's in the other bag? 1019 01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:38,642 Perhaps it is. Shall we look? 1020 01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:45,941 Sorry, sherry's in there. 1021 01:05:51,447 --> 01:05:52,864 What do you mean, "sorry?" 1022 01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:54,658 What's going on? What's he doing? 1023 01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:57,202 We can't stay. he won't leave me alone. 1024 01:05:57,286 --> 01:06:01,164 (Withnail) All right. We'll get the lunch done and we'll leave. 1025 01:06:01,248 --> 01:06:04,334 I'm afraid we must drink from these. 1026 01:06:09,799 --> 01:06:12,968 I trust their shapes will not offend your palates. 1027 01:06:13,052 --> 01:06:14,552 Chin chin. 1028 01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:18,139 To a delightful weekend in the country. 1029 01:06:18,182 --> 01:06:20,517 [lively music] 1030 01:06:42,456 --> 01:06:44,749 (Monty) I do think you could have shaved. 1031 01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:47,836 What on earth will people think of me turning up with you two? 1032 01:06:47,920 --> 01:06:50,630 You look like a pair of farm-hands. 1033 01:06:58,347 --> 01:07:00,348 This is most embarrassing. 1034 01:07:02,810 --> 01:07:04,602 Get away from the car. 1035 01:07:04,687 --> 01:07:06,896 Buy the Wellingtons. 1036 01:07:06,981 --> 01:07:11,276 I'm going to go and buy some razors and shaving soap. 1037 01:07:11,360 --> 01:07:13,862 I'll see you over there in half an hour. 1038 01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,697 Pair of blues. 1039 01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:17,365 One each. 1040 01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:19,367 I think a drink, don't you? 1041 01:07:19,452 --> 01:07:20,952 What about the Wellingtons? 1042 01:07:21,037 --> 01:07:23,246 Oh, bullocks to the Wellingtons. 1043 01:07:23,330 --> 01:07:26,875 We'll tell him they had a farmer's conference and had a run on them. 1044 01:07:35,634 --> 01:07:38,928 Okay. Yeah. Phone me, Bye. 1045 01:07:45,102 --> 01:07:49,105 Hasn't heard a thing. Apparently, they're still seeing people. 1046 01:07:49,190 --> 01:07:51,274 You don't wanna go to Manchester anyway. 1047 01:07:51,358 --> 01:07:53,234 PIay a bloody soldier? 1048 01:07:53,277 --> 01:07:56,446 I dammed well do. It's a bloody good little theater. 1049 01:07:56,530 --> 01:07:58,323 That's not much of a part, though. 1050 01:07:58,407 --> 01:07:59,824 It's better than nothing. 1051 01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:01,618 They'd make you cut your hair off. 1052 01:08:01,702 --> 01:08:02,952 So what? You'd lose a leg. 1053 01:08:03,037 --> 01:08:04,454 Time, gents, please. 1054 01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:06,623 We're gonna have to work quickly. 1055 01:08:06,707 --> 01:08:10,251 A pair of quadruple whiskeys and another pair of pints, please. 1056 01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:17,092 Where is he? I'm utterly arseholed. 1057 01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:19,385 We're early. 1058 01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:23,807 We wanna get in there, don't we? 1059 01:08:23,891 --> 01:08:28,269 Eat some cake, soak up the booze. 1060 01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:40,156 All right here? 1061 01:08:40,241 --> 01:08:41,533 What do you want? 1062 01:08:41,617 --> 01:08:43,618 Cake. All right here? 1063 01:08:43,702 --> 01:08:45,954 (lady) No, we're closing in a minute. 1064 01:08:46,038 --> 01:08:47,831 We're leaving in a minute. 1065 01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:56,214 We want cake and tea. 1066 01:08:56,298 --> 01:08:59,008 (man) Didn't you hear? She said she's closed. 1067 01:08:59,093 --> 01:09:01,511 What do you want in here? 1068 01:09:01,595 --> 01:09:04,347 Cake. What's it got to do with you? 1069 01:09:04,431 --> 01:09:09,227 I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave? 1070 01:09:09,311 --> 01:09:12,730 Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor. 1071 01:09:12,815 --> 01:09:15,233 I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway. 1072 01:09:15,317 --> 01:09:18,486 We're working on a film up here. 1073 01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:20,405 Locations, see. 1074 01:09:20,489 --> 01:09:23,158 We might wanna do a film in here. 1075 01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,201 You're drunk. 1076 01:09:25,286 --> 01:09:26,619 Just bring out the cakes. 1077 01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:28,288 Cake and fine wine. 1078 01:09:28,372 --> 01:09:30,498 If you don't leave, we'll call the police. 1079 01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:34,919 Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. 1080 01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:37,380 We want them here, and we want them now! 1081 01:09:37,464 --> 01:09:40,383 (man) Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police. 1082 01:09:40,467 --> 01:09:43,678 All right. M iss BIenehassitt, 1083 01:09:43,762 --> 01:09:47,515 I'm warning you. If you do, you're fired. 1084 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,852 We're multimillionaires. 1085 01:09:50,895 --> 01:09:53,563 We shall buy this place and fire you immediately. 1086 01:09:53,647 --> 01:09:55,356 Yes, we'll buy this place. 1087 01:09:55,399 --> 01:09:58,568 And we'll install a fucking juke box in here 1088 01:09:58,652 --> 01:10:02,155 [chuckles] to liven all you stiffs up a bit. 1089 01:10:02,239 --> 01:10:04,324 The police, M iss BIenehassitt. 1090 01:10:04,408 --> 01:10:07,535 Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith Tea Rooms 1091 01:10:07,620 --> 01:10:09,245 and we want them removed. 1092 01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:12,957 We are not drunks. We are multimillionaires. 1093 01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:15,793 Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here until they arrive. 1094 01:10:15,878 --> 01:10:18,046 You won't keep us anywhere. 1095 01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:20,548 We'll buy this place and have it knocked down. 1096 01:10:20,591 --> 01:10:22,175 All right. It's all right. 1097 01:10:22,259 --> 01:10:24,385 (Miss Blenehassitt) Police, please. 1098 01:10:24,470 --> 01:10:26,971 Our car's arrived. 1099 01:10:27,056 --> 01:10:30,725 We'll be back. 1100 01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:33,645 We're coming back in here. 1101 01:10:33,729 --> 01:10:35,063 [Marwood, chuckles] 1102 01:10:40,027 --> 01:10:41,277 Where is he? 1103 01:10:41,362 --> 01:10:43,279 He's sulking up the hill. 1104 01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:46,282 He says he won't come for lunch without and apology. 1105 01:10:46,367 --> 01:10:49,744 Suits me. He can eat his fucking radishes. 1106 01:10:49,828 --> 01:10:51,621 It's all your fault. 1107 01:10:51,705 --> 01:10:53,414 You lead him astray. 1108 01:10:53,499 --> 01:10:55,875 I beg your pardon, Monty? 1109 01:10:55,960 --> 01:11:00,004 Don't tell me you're not aware of it. I know what you're up to and so do you. 1110 01:11:00,089 --> 01:11:01,297 Sherry? 1111 01:11:01,382 --> 01:11:03,341 Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no. 1112 01:11:03,425 --> 01:11:05,927 I'd be sucked into his trap. 1113 01:11:06,011 --> 01:11:08,137 (Monty) One of us has got to stay on guard. 1114 01:11:08,222 --> 01:11:12,267 He's so mauve. We don't know what he's planning. 1115 01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:26,114 I'm preparing myself to forgive you. 1116 01:11:26,156 --> 01:11:30,785 I think you've been punished enough. 1117 01:11:30,869 --> 01:11:34,956 I think we'd better release you from the legumes 1118 01:11:34,999 --> 01:11:38,793 and transfer your talents to the meat. 1119 01:11:45,634 --> 01:11:48,011 You shouldn't treat each other so badly. 1120 01:11:48,095 --> 01:11:50,847 This boy's been out there frozen to the marrow, 1121 01:11:50,931 --> 01:11:53,141 and you just sit in here, drinking. 1122 01:11:53,225 --> 01:11:55,685 Now come along, he's going to revitalize himself 1123 01:11:55,769 --> 01:11:57,979 and you're going to finish the vegetables. 1124 01:11:58,063 --> 01:11:59,564 I don't know how to do them. 1125 01:11:59,648 --> 01:12:01,607 Of course you don't. You're incapable 1126 01:12:01,692 --> 01:12:04,402 of indulging in anything but pleasure, am I not right? 1127 01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:06,487 You don't deserve such loyalty. 1128 01:12:06,572 --> 01:12:11,409 Now come along. I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato. 1129 01:12:16,248 --> 01:12:19,792 Isn't it stimulating, getting back to a basic sort of life for a while? 1130 01:12:19,877 --> 01:12:21,210 Yes. 1131 01:12:21,295 --> 01:12:23,004 Surrounded by trees and nature, 1132 01:12:23,047 --> 01:12:25,340 one feels a glorious stirring of the senses. 1133 01:12:25,424 --> 01:12:27,550 A rejection of poisonous inhibition 1134 01:12:27,634 --> 01:12:30,511 and a fecund motion of the soul. 1135 01:12:30,554 --> 01:12:34,515 Except of course the problems tend to take the edge off the pleasure. 1136 01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:38,686 I mean, with no proper facilities. 1137 01:12:38,729 --> 01:12:43,941 All the glorious trials of youth, dear boy. 1138 01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:47,695 When I was a lad, I'd rocket off on my tandem with Wrigglesworth 1139 01:12:47,738 --> 01:12:49,739 and we'd just ride and ride. 1140 01:12:49,823 --> 01:12:54,243 And at night we'd find some barn and fall asleep 1141 01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:58,623 with the perfumes of nature sighing on our skin. 1142 01:12:58,707 --> 01:13:02,043 Would it be in bad form to plagiarize a toast? 1143 01:13:02,127 --> 01:13:04,962 It depends entirely on the quality of the wine. 1144 01:13:05,047 --> 01:13:08,633 I n this instance, it most certainly would not. 1145 01:13:08,717 --> 01:13:12,387 I n that case, to a delightful weekend in the country. 1146 01:13:12,471 --> 01:13:15,681 (Monty) Oh, splendid. 1147 01:13:18,894 --> 01:13:22,063 We expected a volley of argument concerning M r. Redgrave. 1148 01:13:22,106 --> 01:13:23,981 You're forgetting about Jake. 1149 01:13:24,066 --> 01:13:27,360 Not another word. Not another word. Jake can wait too. 1150 01:13:27,444 --> 01:13:29,237 Jake isn't a friend. 1151 01:13:29,279 --> 01:13:31,197 I hoped to avoid telling you this 1152 01:13:31,281 --> 01:13:34,117 but there's a psychotic on the prowl outside this house. 1153 01:13:34,201 --> 01:13:35,868 Ask him if I exaggerate. 1154 01:13:35,953 --> 01:13:38,037 He's threatened us and he's dangerous. 1155 01:13:38,122 --> 01:13:39,747 Is this true? 1156 01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:43,418 Well, there's this local type hanging about. 1157 01:13:43,460 --> 01:13:48,464 A poacher. Got into a tiff and he threatened me with a dead fish. 1158 01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:51,259 Yes, it was rather amusing, actually, 1159 01:13:51,301 --> 01:13:54,178 when you came in we thought it was him. 1160 01:13:54,263 --> 01:13:58,015 And we thought you, cleaning your boots, 1161 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:00,643 was him, sharpening his knife. 1162 01:14:00,727 --> 01:14:02,353 [laughs] 1163 01:14:02,438 --> 01:14:04,981 Oh, how delicious. 1164 01:14:08,360 --> 01:14:09,819 More meat? 1165 01:14:09,903 --> 01:14:12,780 No, thank you. I'm going for a walk. 1166 01:14:12,823 --> 01:14:16,617 Oh, wait for us to finish, dear boy, and we'll all go. 1167 01:14:19,288 --> 01:14:22,582 Listen, I know what you're thinking, but I had no alternative. 1168 01:14:22,666 --> 01:14:24,292 The old bugger's come a long way 1169 01:14:24,334 --> 01:14:26,127 I didn't want to put the wind up him. 1170 01:14:26,211 --> 01:14:28,546 Your sensitivity overwhelms me. 1171 01:14:28,630 --> 01:14:32,467 If you think you're gonna have a weekend's indulgence up here at his expense 1172 01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:34,260 which means at my expense, 1173 01:14:34,344 --> 01:14:36,053 You've got another thing coming. 1174 01:14:36,138 --> 01:14:38,306 We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning. 1175 01:14:38,390 --> 01:14:39,682 What about tonight? 1176 01:14:39,766 --> 01:14:41,225 He won't try anything. 1177 01:14:41,310 --> 01:14:43,352 Of course he is! He means business. 1178 01:14:43,437 --> 01:14:46,022 He sent me out to tell you that the coffee's ready. 1179 01:14:46,106 --> 01:14:49,233 I couldn't drink it. I have a cramp in the mouth from grinning. 1180 01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:51,402 Well, stop smiling at him. 1181 01:14:51,487 --> 01:14:57,658 I can't help it. I'm so uptight with him I can't stop myself. 1182 01:14:58,785 --> 01:15:00,995 (Monty) Laisse-moi respirer. 1183 01:15:01,079 --> 01:15:06,417 Longtemps, longtemps I'odeur de tes cheveux. 1184 01:15:06,502 --> 01:15:10,004 Ah, Baudelaire. 1185 01:15:10,088 --> 01:15:12,340 Brings back such memories of Oxford. 1186 01:15:12,424 --> 01:15:15,134 Oh, Oxford. 1187 01:15:15,219 --> 01:15:19,222 (Marwood, off) Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes 1188 01:15:19,306 --> 01:15:21,557 in a punt with a chap called Norman 1189 01:15:21,642 --> 01:15:23,684 who had red hair and a book of poetry 1190 01:15:23,769 --> 01:15:26,229 stained with the butter drips from crumpets. 1191 01:15:26,313 --> 01:15:28,856 (Monty) I often wonder where Norman is now. 1192 01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:31,609 Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. 1193 01:15:31,693 --> 01:15:33,861 A cat in the rain. 1194 01:15:33,904 --> 01:15:37,698 Vim under the sink. And both bars on. 1195 01:15:37,783 --> 01:15:41,702 But old, now. Old. 1196 01:15:41,745 --> 01:15:44,872 There can be no true beauty without decay. 1197 01:15:44,915 --> 01:15:46,916 (Withnail) A requiem for England. 1198 01:15:47,000 --> 01:15:49,752 How right you are. How right you are. 1199 01:15:49,836 --> 01:15:53,631 We live in a kingdom of rains, 1200 01:15:53,715 --> 01:15:57,301 where royalty comes in gangs. 1201 01:15:57,386 --> 01:16:01,389 Come on, lads, let's get home. The sky's beginning to bruise. 1202 01:16:01,473 --> 01:16:05,935 Night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp. 1203 01:16:06,019 --> 01:16:08,396 He's having my room. That's the condition. 1204 01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:11,148 I want the room with the lock. Agree to that, I'm off. 1205 01:16:11,233 --> 01:16:12,316 All right. All right. 1206 01:16:19,741 --> 01:16:22,743 (Marwood, whispering) Oh, good ol' Jake, eh? I told you. 1207 01:16:22,828 --> 01:16:24,662 He's back 1208 01:16:24,746 --> 01:16:27,665 and that's precisely the reason I'm off to London. 1209 01:16:27,749 --> 01:16:30,293 Let's all have a good laugh, eh, Withnail? 1210 01:16:30,377 --> 01:16:33,004 Good old Jake, eh, he's back! 1211 01:16:33,088 --> 01:16:36,591 He's going away. He's leaving. 1212 01:16:36,675 --> 01:16:39,969 Come on, let's pack up. We'll get out of here before it gets dark. 1213 01:16:57,070 --> 01:17:00,531 "Here hare here." 1214 01:17:00,616 --> 01:17:03,993 Here hare here. 1215 01:17:04,077 --> 01:17:06,454 Good old Jake. 1216 01:17:15,339 --> 01:17:17,882 (Monty) Ace best. Ace best. 1217 01:17:17,966 --> 01:17:20,885 Two. And it's over to you. 1218 01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:24,513 Your two and up two. 1219 01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:26,474 (Marwood) So that's four. 1220 01:17:26,516 --> 01:17:27,725 That's four. 1221 01:17:27,809 --> 01:17:31,646 Four. 1222 01:17:31,730 --> 01:17:34,649 (Monty) Ace will pay for the raise 1223 01:17:34,733 --> 01:17:35,983 and see you two. 1224 01:17:36,068 --> 01:17:38,069 Now the last card. 1225 01:17:38,153 --> 01:17:41,572 Nonne sdus cedetur. 1226 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:44,575 Reginae servandae defit. 1227 01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:48,663 [Monty chuckles] And, oh! 1228 01:17:48,747 --> 01:17:51,957 [both chuckle] 1229 01:17:52,042 --> 01:17:54,043 And there she is! 1230 01:18:03,011 --> 01:18:05,680 Well, it's the two queens to bet. 1231 01:18:16,274 --> 01:18:19,026 [piano music] 1232 01:18:19,069 --> 01:18:21,779 Another hand? 1233 01:18:26,284 --> 01:18:29,120 I think we'd better get him to bed. 1234 01:18:29,204 --> 01:18:31,706 No, no. He's down here. 1235 01:18:31,790 --> 01:18:35,876 You're in my room, I'm in his room and he's down here. 1236 01:18:35,961 --> 01:18:38,963 No, I wouldn't dream of depriving the dear fellow of his bed 1237 01:18:39,047 --> 01:18:40,631 especially in that condition. 1238 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:42,591 But it's agreed. It's what he wants. 1239 01:18:42,676 --> 01:18:45,928 No, I don't. I want to get to bed. 1240 01:18:46,012 --> 01:18:49,223 All right, then, lovey. Let's get you to bed. 1241 01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:52,226 Early night'II do us both good. 1242 01:18:54,521 --> 01:18:56,272 Night night then, Monty. 1243 01:18:56,356 --> 01:18:58,566 (Withnail) I wanna be alone. 1244 01:19:01,653 --> 01:19:03,404 I wanna be alone. 1245 01:19:23,300 --> 01:19:25,509 [locking] 1246 01:19:25,594 --> 01:19:30,222 I think he'd better sleep alone tonight. 1247 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:33,017 He doesn't want to sleep with you. 1248 01:19:33,101 --> 01:19:37,772 Well, you're in there. 1249 01:19:37,814 --> 01:19:41,609 And I'll take these and I'll have the couch. 1250 01:19:41,693 --> 01:19:43,819 I'll say goodnight, then, Monty. 1251 01:19:43,904 --> 01:19:47,281 You already have. 1252 01:19:47,324 --> 01:19:49,784 Twice. 1253 01:20:08,845 --> 01:20:10,596 [door opens] 1254 01:20:17,854 --> 01:20:21,649 What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired. I need to go to sleep. 1255 01:20:21,691 --> 01:20:24,860 But not that tired, eh? 1256 01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:33,452 Are you a sponge or a stone? 1257 01:20:33,537 --> 01:20:35,412 What do you mean? 1258 01:20:35,497 --> 01:20:39,333 Do you like to experience all facets of life 1259 01:20:39,376 --> 01:20:42,044 or do you shut yourself off from new experience? 1260 01:20:42,128 --> 01:20:43,379 I voted Conservative. 1261 01:20:43,463 --> 01:20:44,588 Are you faithful? 1262 01:20:44,673 --> 01:20:45,923 To whom? 1263 01:20:46,007 --> 01:20:48,509 Faithfulness isn't selective. 1264 01:20:48,552 --> 01:20:52,179 I agree. it's a question of selecting to whom one will be faithful. 1265 01:20:52,264 --> 01:20:54,765 Have you selected it? 1266 01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:56,517 I'm terribly tired. 1267 01:20:56,601 --> 01:21:00,437 I've been watching you all evening. 1268 01:21:00,522 --> 01:21:03,732 You've been avoiding my eyes, haven't you? 1269 01:21:03,817 --> 01:21:05,609 Your eyes? 1270 01:21:05,694 --> 01:21:10,281 At luncheon you couldn't tear your gaze from mine, 1271 01:21:10,365 --> 01:21:12,408 this evening you barely looked at me. 1272 01:21:12,492 --> 01:21:14,702 What did he say to you? 1273 01:21:14,786 --> 01:21:16,203 Nothing. 1274 01:21:16,288 --> 01:21:18,205 You can tell me. 1275 01:21:18,248 --> 01:21:22,042 I assure you, nothing. I'm terribly tired. 1276 01:21:22,085 --> 01:21:24,378 I need to go to bed. 1277 01:21:24,462 --> 01:21:27,464 Yes, yes. You must. Mustn't you? 1278 01:21:27,549 --> 01:21:32,052 Off you go then. I'll sleep here. 1279 01:21:32,137 --> 01:21:36,515 It won't be the first time I've been left with the couch. 1280 01:21:48,194 --> 01:21:49,695 [opens door] 1281 01:21:53,700 --> 01:21:55,242 Boy. 1282 01:21:57,954 --> 01:21:59,830 Boy, 1283 01:21:59,915 --> 01:22:04,084 I know you're not asleep, boy. 1284 01:22:04,169 --> 01:22:08,088 But he is. 1285 01:22:08,173 --> 01:22:11,258 I've been to his room. 1286 01:22:11,343 --> 01:22:15,179 [panting] He won't hear a thing. 1287 01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:20,851 I know you're not asleep, boy. 1288 01:22:20,936 --> 01:22:22,436 No, I'm not. 1289 01:22:22,479 --> 01:22:24,313 Why is it, Monty? What do you want? 1290 01:22:27,525 --> 01:22:31,362 I had to come. I tried not to. 1291 01:22:31,446 --> 01:22:33,906 Oh, how I tried not to. 1292 01:22:33,990 --> 01:22:36,617 Listen, there's something I have to explain to you. 1293 01:22:36,701 --> 01:22:38,786 Don't explain. He's told me everything. 1294 01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:40,663 He told me when you came to Chelsea. 1295 01:22:40,747 --> 01:22:42,706 What did he tell you? 1296 01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:46,043 He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road. 1297 01:22:46,127 --> 01:22:47,711 He told me about your problems. 1298 01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:51,048 How you feel. Your desires. 1299 01:22:51,132 --> 01:22:52,591 What problems? 1300 01:22:52,676 --> 01:22:54,551 You are a "toilet trader." 1301 01:22:54,636 --> 01:22:56,387 He told you that? 1302 01:22:56,471 --> 01:22:59,431 You mustn't blame him. You mustn't blame yourself. 1303 01:22:59,516 --> 01:23:02,142 I know how you feel and how difficult it is. 1304 01:23:02,185 --> 01:23:04,645 You mustn't hold back and let it ruin your youth 1305 01:23:04,729 --> 01:23:06,981 as I nearly did over Eric. 1306 01:23:07,023 --> 01:23:11,068 It's like a tide, give in to it, boy. 1307 01:23:11,152 --> 01:23:14,989 Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours. 1308 01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:16,407 I'm not homosexual. 1309 01:23:16,491 --> 01:23:19,952 Yes, you are. Of course you are. 1310 01:23:20,036 --> 01:23:22,329 You're simply blackmailing your emotions 1311 01:23:22,414 --> 01:23:24,707 to avoid the realities of your relationship. 1312 01:23:24,791 --> 01:23:25,874 What? 1313 01:23:25,959 --> 01:23:28,043 You love him. 1314 01:23:28,128 --> 01:23:31,505 And it's not his fault he can't love you any more than it's mine 1315 01:23:31,589 --> 01:23:33,674 that I adore you. 1316 01:23:36,928 --> 01:23:39,930 Couldn't we allow ourselves this moment of indiscretion? 1317 01:23:40,015 --> 01:23:41,098 No! 1318 01:23:41,182 --> 01:23:42,891 He need never know. 1319 01:23:42,976 --> 01:23:46,020 I don't care what he knows. You've gotta go. 1320 01:23:46,062 --> 01:23:50,190 If you want to humiliate me, humiliate me. I adore you. 1321 01:23:50,275 --> 01:23:53,360 Tell him if you must. I no longer care. 1322 01:23:53,403 --> 01:23:57,197 I mean to have you even if it must mean burglary. 1323 01:23:59,409 --> 01:24:01,076 It's not me, it's him. 1324 01:24:07,500 --> 01:24:09,793 He lied to you. We're an affair. 1325 01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,462 We have been for years. 1326 01:24:11,546 --> 01:24:13,881 But he doesn't want you or anybody to know. 1327 01:24:13,923 --> 01:24:16,425 We're both in it. We're obsessed with each other. 1328 01:24:16,509 --> 01:24:20,554 But he's ashamed, he refuses to come out and accept what he is. 1329 01:24:20,638 --> 01:24:23,057 That's why he's rejecting me while you're here. 1330 01:24:23,141 --> 01:24:25,726 On my life, Monty, this is the first night 1331 01:24:25,810 --> 01:24:27,978 we haven't slept together for six years. 1332 01:24:28,063 --> 01:24:30,147 I can't cheat on him. It would kill him. 1333 01:24:30,231 --> 01:24:33,734 He told me you were in purgatory because he couldn't love you. 1334 01:24:33,818 --> 01:24:36,236 He's lying, lying! 1335 01:24:36,279 --> 01:24:40,157 Oh, my dear boy. [sniffs] 1336 01:24:40,241 --> 01:24:44,411 Had I known that I'd have never attempted to come between you. 1337 01:24:44,496 --> 01:24:49,333 I know that. I respect you for your sensitivity. 1338 01:24:49,417 --> 01:24:53,629 I thank you for it. But you must leave. 1339 01:24:56,674 --> 01:25:01,011 Yes. 1340 01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:03,764 You'd better go to him. 1341 01:25:03,807 --> 01:25:07,267 I intend to. This instant. 1342 01:25:07,352 --> 01:25:09,228 [snoring] 1343 01:25:09,312 --> 01:25:11,605 (Marwood) Withnail, you bastard, wake up. 1344 01:25:11,648 --> 01:25:16,360 Wake up, you bastard. Or I'll burn this bastard bed down. 1345 01:25:16,444 --> 01:25:20,864 I deny all accusations. What do you want? 1346 01:25:20,949 --> 01:25:23,325 I've just narrowly avoided having a buggering. 1347 01:25:23,409 --> 01:25:25,285 I've come with the intention 1348 01:25:25,370 --> 01:25:27,371 of wishing one on you. Having said that, 1349 01:25:27,455 --> 01:25:29,331 I now intend to leave for London. 1350 01:25:29,415 --> 01:25:32,126 Hold on . Don't let your imagination run away with you. 1351 01:25:32,210 --> 01:25:34,837 I magination! I just finished fighting a naked man. 1352 01:25:34,921 --> 01:25:37,297 How dare you tell him I'm a "toilet trader?" 1353 01:25:37,382 --> 01:25:40,676 It was a tactical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active 1354 01:25:40,760 --> 01:25:42,636 we would have never got the cottage. 1355 01:25:42,720 --> 01:25:44,972 I'd never have wanted it. Not with him in it. 1356 01:25:45,056 --> 01:25:46,557 [coughs] 1357 01:25:46,641 --> 01:25:48,684 I never thought he'd come all this way. 1358 01:25:48,768 --> 01:25:50,811 Monty? He'd go to New York. 1359 01:25:50,854 --> 01:25:52,688 A calculated risk. 1360 01:25:52,772 --> 01:25:55,482 What "tactical necessity" and "calculated risk"? 1361 01:25:55,567 --> 01:25:58,235 This is me, naked, in a corner. 1362 01:25:58,319 --> 01:26:00,696 And how dare you tell him I love you? 1363 01:26:00,780 --> 01:26:03,824 And how dare you tell him you rejected me? 1364 01:26:03,908 --> 01:26:05,659 How dare you tell him that? 1365 01:26:05,743 --> 01:26:08,996 Sorry about that. I got a bit carried away 1366 01:26:09,038 --> 01:26:10,873 I sort of said it without thinking. 1367 01:26:10,957 --> 01:26:12,624 Well, let me tell you something. 1368 01:26:12,709 --> 01:26:14,918 If he comes into my room again, it's murder. 1369 01:26:15,003 --> 01:26:17,004 And you will be held responsible in law. 1370 01:26:23,344 --> 01:26:26,889 (Marwood) "Perhaps it is appropriate justice for the eavesdropper 1371 01:26:26,973 --> 01:26:29,600 "that he should leave as his trade determines, 1372 01:26:29,684 --> 01:26:31,560 "in secrecy, 1373 01:26:31,644 --> 01:26:33,854 "and in the dead of the night. 1374 01:26:33,897 --> 01:26:37,482 "I do sincerely hope that you will find the happiness 1375 01:26:37,567 --> 01:26:42,404 "which alas has always been denied to me. 1376 01:26:42,488 --> 01:26:45,866 "I am, Yours ever faithfully, 1377 01:26:45,950 --> 01:26:49,411 Montague H . Withnail ." 1378 01:26:49,495 --> 01:26:52,206 Poor old bastard. 1379 01:26:52,248 --> 01:26:54,958 I would say, 1380 01:26:55,043 --> 01:26:59,713 that that represents a degree of hypocrisy 1381 01:26:59,797 --> 01:27:04,760 I have hitherto suspected in you, but not noticed due to highly evasive skills. 1382 01:27:04,844 --> 01:27:06,970 Christ, Withnail. 1383 01:27:07,055 --> 01:27:11,308 You'll suffer for this. What you've done will have to be paid for. 1384 01:27:11,392 --> 01:27:13,602 I'll say one thing for Monty, 1385 01:27:13,686 --> 01:27:16,647 he keeps a sensational cellar. 1386 01:27:16,731 --> 01:27:18,232 [knocking] 1387 01:27:18,274 --> 01:27:21,652 [thunder] 1388 01:27:26,324 --> 01:27:27,491 Who's there? 1389 01:27:27,575 --> 01:27:28,992 (man) Telegram. 1390 01:27:52,183 --> 01:27:54,726 Well done. 1391 01:27:54,811 --> 01:27:56,853 Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it. 1392 01:27:56,938 --> 01:28:00,607 Probably just want to see me again. 1393 01:28:00,692 --> 01:28:04,027 Well, that settles it then. We'll leave immediately. 1394 01:28:04,112 --> 01:28:06,238 What? 1395 01:28:06,322 --> 01:28:09,783 Get your kit together. We're leaving in half an hour. 1396 01:28:09,867 --> 01:28:11,994 Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. 1397 01:28:12,078 --> 01:28:14,496 I need at least an hour for lunch. 1398 01:28:14,580 --> 01:28:16,498 [thunder] 1399 01:28:22,588 --> 01:28:24,631 You've got a truck coming up. 1400 01:28:24,716 --> 01:28:26,717 About 200 yards. 1401 01:28:26,801 --> 01:28:30,304 Followed by a left slow-hander. 1402 01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:32,723 Oh, this is insanity, I' can't keep this up. 1403 01:28:32,807 --> 01:28:36,893 Change lane. Bear right. Bear right. 1404 01:28:36,978 --> 01:28:39,313 What lane? I've not seen a fucking lane. 1405 01:28:39,355 --> 01:28:42,190 (Withnail) Bear right! Bear right! Bear right! 1406 01:28:42,275 --> 01:28:44,818 [honking] 1407 01:28:44,902 --> 01:28:46,820 Right, that's it. 1408 01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:49,573 Next garage I've got to do something about that wiper. 1409 01:28:49,657 --> 01:28:51,491 And I've got to get some sleep. 1410 01:28:51,576 --> 01:28:53,327 [chuckles] 1411 01:29:01,586 --> 01:29:03,837 [rock music] 1412 01:29:20,938 --> 01:29:22,189 What's going on? 1413 01:29:22,273 --> 01:29:24,274 I'm making time. 1414 01:29:24,359 --> 01:29:26,777 [hard rock music] 1415 01:29:29,364 --> 01:29:31,156 [brakes screeching] 1416 01:29:37,497 --> 01:29:39,289 (Marwood) Are you out of your mind? 1417 01:29:39,374 --> 01:29:41,249 Pull over. You haven't got a license. 1418 01:29:41,334 --> 01:29:43,752 No. I'm making time. 1419 01:29:48,883 --> 01:29:50,092 [brakes screeching] 1420 01:29:50,176 --> 01:29:51,593 Ugh. 1421 01:29:53,679 --> 01:29:54,888 Where are we? 1422 01:29:54,931 --> 01:29:56,723 We're approaching London. 1423 01:29:56,808 --> 01:29:59,017 [brakes screeching] 1424 01:29:59,102 --> 01:30:01,728 Here comes another fucker. 1425 01:30:05,900 --> 01:30:07,359 [brakes screeching] 1426 01:30:11,572 --> 01:30:14,116 Oh, no. 1427 01:30:14,200 --> 01:30:17,244 It's perfectly all right. Leave them to me. 1428 01:30:17,286 --> 01:30:20,080 You're full of scotch, you silly tool. 1429 01:31:30,651 --> 01:31:34,196 A bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it? 1430 01:31:34,280 --> 01:31:36,490 These aren't mine. They belong to him. 1431 01:31:36,574 --> 01:31:38,658 You're drunk. 1432 01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:40,660 I assure you I'm not, officer. 1433 01:31:40,703 --> 01:31:43,830 Honestly. I've only had a few ales. 1434 01:31:43,873 --> 01:31:45,707 Out of the car. 1435 01:31:45,791 --> 01:31:47,667 Please? 1436 01:31:47,752 --> 01:31:49,461 Sir? 1437 01:31:57,053 --> 01:31:59,930 I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag. 1438 01:32:00,014 --> 01:32:03,016 Are you refusing to fill this bag? 1439 01:32:03,059 --> 01:32:04,601 I most certainly am. 1440 01:32:04,685 --> 01:32:06,686 I'm placing you under arrest. 1441 01:32:06,771 --> 01:32:09,189 Don't be ridiculous. I haven't done anything. 1442 01:32:09,273 --> 01:32:10,774 Look here, my cousin's a Q.C. 1443 01:32:10,858 --> 01:32:12,984 [shrill] Get in the back of the van! 1444 01:32:25,915 --> 01:32:29,084 [mumbles] 1445 01:33:04,412 --> 01:33:05,787 Where's our checks? 1446 01:33:05,871 --> 01:33:07,956 We didn't sign on. 1447 01:33:08,040 --> 01:33:11,084 That wouldn't make any difference to last week's payment. 1448 01:33:11,168 --> 01:33:13,003 [music from inside the room] 1449 01:33:39,280 --> 01:33:41,364 What are you doing in my bed? 1450 01:33:41,449 --> 01:33:43,408 (Danny) I've been asleep. 1451 01:33:43,492 --> 01:33:46,536 Who is the huge spade in the bath? 1452 01:33:46,621 --> 01:33:48,705 Presuming Ed. 1453 01:33:48,789 --> 01:33:50,248 Now you got 10 minutes. 1454 01:33:50,333 --> 01:33:52,125 I want you out, 'cause I wanna get-- 1455 01:33:52,209 --> 01:33:54,461 10 minutes and you'd better be on your feet. 1456 01:33:58,466 --> 01:34:00,050 How did you get in? 1457 01:34:00,134 --> 01:34:03,386 I ngenuity, man. Come up the drainpipe. 1458 01:34:03,471 --> 01:34:05,347 Would you like a smoke? 1459 01:34:05,431 --> 01:34:06,890 Yes. 1460 01:34:06,974 --> 01:34:09,351 No, thanks, I've got a call to make. 1461 01:34:14,065 --> 01:34:16,066 What are you gonna do with those? 1462 01:34:16,150 --> 01:34:20,028 The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. 1463 01:34:20,112 --> 01:34:23,239 It can utilise up to 12 skins. 1464 01:34:23,324 --> 01:34:25,742 It's called "Camberwell Carrot." 1465 01:34:25,826 --> 01:34:28,328 It's impossible to use 12 papers in one joint. 1466 01:34:28,412 --> 01:34:32,374 It's impossible to make a "Camberwell Carrot" with anything less. 1467 01:34:32,458 --> 01:34:34,334 Who says it's a "Camberwell Carrot?" 1468 01:34:34,377 --> 01:34:37,504 I do. I invented it in Camberwell 1469 01:34:37,546 --> 01:34:39,381 and it looks like a carrot. 1470 01:34:39,465 --> 01:34:42,092 Do you realise this gaff's over run with rodents? 1471 01:34:42,176 --> 01:34:45,178 When I came in I saw one the size of a fucking dog. 1472 01:34:45,262 --> 01:34:48,181 It is a dog, belongs to the fellow downstairs. 1473 01:34:48,224 --> 01:34:50,225 Does his dog get in the oven? 1474 01:34:50,309 --> 01:34:52,268 No, his dog doesn't come up here. 1475 01:34:52,353 --> 01:34:54,771 Then it was a rodent. Opened the oven door 1476 01:34:54,855 --> 01:34:56,731 and it was in there looking at me. 1477 01:34:56,816 --> 01:34:58,858 Quite freaked me at the time. 1478 01:34:58,901 --> 01:35:01,277 I was gonna cook onions. 1479 01:35:01,362 --> 01:35:03,029 Are you going to bed now? 1480 01:35:03,114 --> 01:35:05,365 No. Phone. 1481 01:35:08,202 --> 01:35:09,536 Who's he got to telephone? 1482 01:35:09,620 --> 01:35:11,705 "Squat Betty." 1483 01:35:11,789 --> 01:35:16,042 His agent. But he's wasting his time because he won't be in. 1484 01:35:39,984 --> 01:35:43,737 This'll tend to make you very high. 1485 01:35:46,323 --> 01:35:50,785 This grass is the most powerful in the Western Hemisphere. 1486 01:35:50,870 --> 01:35:55,749 I have it specially flown in from my man in Mexico. 1487 01:35:55,791 --> 01:35:58,501 He's an expert. 1488 01:35:58,586 --> 01:36:00,920 His name is Juan. 1489 01:36:00,963 --> 01:36:07,093 This grass grows at exactly 2,000 feet above sea level. 1490 01:36:07,178 --> 01:36:12,056 Did you get the part, man? 1491 01:36:12,141 --> 01:36:15,101 [coughs] 1492 01:36:15,144 --> 01:36:16,936 I got a different one. 1493 01:36:17,021 --> 01:36:20,440 [coughs] They want me to play the lead. 1494 01:36:20,524 --> 01:36:22,358 Congratulations. 1495 01:36:22,443 --> 01:36:24,652 (Danny) Where exactly have you two been? 1496 01:36:24,737 --> 01:36:26,446 Holiday in the countryside. 1497 01:36:26,489 --> 01:36:28,448 (Danny) That's a very good idea. 1498 01:36:28,532 --> 01:36:31,785 London is a country coming down from its trip. 1499 01:36:31,827 --> 01:36:35,747 We are 91 days from the end of this decade 1500 01:36:35,831 --> 01:36:38,833 and there's gonna be a lot of refugees. 1501 01:36:38,918 --> 01:36:41,628 [all chuckle] 1502 01:36:41,712 --> 01:36:46,800 They'll be going round this town shouting "Bring out your dead ." 1503 01:36:46,842 --> 01:36:51,346 There was a geezer round here the other day looking for you. 1504 01:36:51,430 --> 01:36:52,639 What geezer? 1505 01:36:52,723 --> 01:36:54,224 Some bald geezer. 1506 01:36:54,308 --> 01:36:58,228 Reckons you owe him 266 quid back rent. 1507 01:36:58,312 --> 01:37:03,233 I told him there's no question of paying rent on a property cut with rodents. 1508 01:37:03,317 --> 01:37:05,360 He takes exception to this 1509 01:37:05,444 --> 01:37:08,488 and starts coming on really bald with me. 1510 01:37:08,572 --> 01:37:10,031 What do you mean, "ratty?" 1511 01:37:10,115 --> 01:37:11,908 I told him to piss off. 1512 01:37:11,992 --> 01:37:14,202 Bloody fool . He'll have us up in court again. 1513 01:37:14,286 --> 01:37:16,162 (Danny) No he won't. It ain't legal. 1514 01:37:16,247 --> 01:37:18,164 I assume we can quote you, can we? 1515 01:37:18,249 --> 01:37:21,209 Law rather appeals to me, actually. 1516 01:37:21,293 --> 01:37:24,587 [laughs] 1517 01:37:27,967 --> 01:37:29,551 Just high. 1518 01:37:29,635 --> 01:37:31,553 [Withnail, laughing hysterically] 1519 01:37:31,637 --> 01:37:33,429 Stop laughing, this is serious. 1520 01:37:33,514 --> 01:37:37,517 No it ain't. I looked into it. Studied the papers. 1521 01:37:37,601 --> 01:37:38,852 What papers? 1522 01:37:38,936 --> 01:37:40,228 Legal papers. 1523 01:37:40,312 --> 01:37:41,521 [Withnail, laughing] 1524 01:37:41,605 --> 01:37:42,772 What papers? 1525 01:37:52,867 --> 01:37:54,284 He's got our checks. 1526 01:37:54,368 --> 01:37:56,578 What are you doing with these? 1527 01:37:56,662 --> 01:37:58,413 I was gonna cash them in for you. 1528 01:37:58,497 --> 01:38:03,251 [deep voice] Harry Rama. Harry Rama. 1529 01:38:03,335 --> 01:38:06,629 [Withnail, laughing] 1530 01:38:06,714 --> 01:38:09,883 For Christ's sake, Withnail. Stop laughing. 1531 01:38:09,967 --> 01:38:12,176 This is a notice of eviction. 1532 01:38:18,726 --> 01:38:22,270 [sighs] Will you stop laughing? They want to turn us out. 1533 01:38:22,354 --> 01:38:24,230 Harry Rama. 1534 01:38:24,315 --> 01:38:27,233 For God's-- Will you shut up? You're giving me the fear. 1535 01:38:27,318 --> 01:38:31,654 (Marwood) Gimme a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing . I've gone and fucked my brain. 1536 01:38:31,739 --> 01:38:35,116 (Danny) Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. 1537 01:38:35,200 --> 01:38:38,411 It will pass. Be seated. 1538 01:38:45,336 --> 01:38:47,170 Aren't you getting absurdly high? 1539 01:38:47,254 --> 01:38:51,341 Precisely the reason I'm smoking it. 1540 01:38:56,263 --> 01:38:58,264 Couldn't. I'm spaced. 1541 01:38:58,307 --> 01:39:00,016 Not as spaced as your rodents. 1542 01:39:00,100 --> 01:39:01,768 Don't talk about them. 1543 01:39:01,852 --> 01:39:05,438 Well, I imagine they're talking to each other. 1544 01:39:05,522 --> 01:39:07,732 What do you mean? [panting] 1545 01:39:07,816 --> 01:39:09,359 (Danny) I've dealt with them. 1546 01:39:09,443 --> 01:39:11,653 Dealt with them? What the fuck you mean? 1547 01:39:11,737 --> 01:39:14,948 Dosed them . I expect they're dead down the drain. 1548 01:39:15,032 --> 01:39:16,991 Dead down the drain? 1549 01:39:17,076 --> 01:39:18,618 What have you done to them? 1550 01:39:18,702 --> 01:39:20,370 Given them all drugged onions. 1551 01:39:20,454 --> 01:39:24,457 Christ! Why have you drugged their onions? 1552 01:39:24,541 --> 01:39:27,794 Sit down, man . Take control. 1553 01:39:27,878 --> 01:39:30,129 Gimme a Valium. I'm getting the fear. 1554 01:39:30,214 --> 01:39:33,007 (Danny) You have done something to your brain. 1555 01:39:33,092 --> 01:39:34,801 You have made it hot. 1556 01:39:34,843 --> 01:39:37,512 If I lay 10 mills of Diazepam 1557 01:39:37,596 --> 01:39:39,722 you will do something else to your brain. 1558 01:39:39,807 --> 01:39:44,769 You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? 1559 01:39:44,853 --> 01:39:46,729 That's politics, isn't it? 1560 01:39:46,814 --> 01:39:49,482 I'm gonna eat some sugar. 1561 01:39:49,566 --> 01:39:52,568 I recommend you smoke some more grass. 1562 01:39:52,653 --> 01:39:54,570 (Marwood) No way. No fucking way. 1563 01:39:54,655 --> 01:39:59,033 That is an unfortunate political decision, 1564 01:39:59,118 --> 01:40:01,869 reflecting these times. 1565 01:40:08,669 --> 01:40:11,129 What are you talking about? 1566 01:40:11,213 --> 01:40:14,007 Politics, man. If you're hanging on to a rising balloon 1567 01:40:14,049 --> 01:40:16,426 you're presented with a difficult decision. 1568 01:40:16,510 --> 01:40:18,761 Let go before it's too late? 1569 01:40:18,846 --> 01:40:20,888 Or hang on and keep getting higher? 1570 01:40:20,973 --> 01:40:26,436 Posing the question, how long can you keep a grip on the rope? 1571 01:40:26,520 --> 01:40:31,274 They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworth's, man. 1572 01:40:31,358 --> 01:40:36,863 The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. 1573 01:40:36,947 --> 01:40:42,618 And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, 1574 01:40:42,703 --> 01:40:46,372 we have failed to paint it black. 1575 01:40:49,126 --> 01:40:51,044 [melancholy music] 1576 01:41:35,964 --> 01:41:38,341 My Dad will pick up the boxes in the week, 1577 01:41:38,425 --> 01:41:42,303 and he gonna do something about the car. 1578 01:41:42,387 --> 01:41:45,181 Well, I'm off now then. 1579 01:41:45,265 --> 01:41:47,767 Already? I've got us a bottle open. 1580 01:41:50,437 --> 01:41:53,314 Confiscated it from Monty's supplies. 1581 01:41:53,398 --> 01:41:57,568 '53 Margaux, best of the century. 1582 01:41:57,653 --> 01:42:00,947 I'm sure he wouldn't resent us a parting drink. 1583 01:42:01,031 --> 01:42:04,283 I can't. I gotta walk to the station. I'll be late. 1584 01:42:04,368 --> 01:42:05,993 There's always time for a drink. 1585 01:42:06,078 --> 01:42:08,996 I don't have the time. 1586 01:42:09,081 --> 01:42:14,252 All right. I'll walk with you through the park. 1587 01:42:14,336 --> 01:42:17,630 We can drink it on the way. 1588 01:42:25,722 --> 01:42:27,723 No, no more. 1589 01:42:27,808 --> 01:42:30,643 Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker, why don't you go back? 1590 01:42:30,727 --> 01:42:33,062 Because I wanna walk with you to the station. 1591 01:42:33,147 --> 01:42:36,149 Well, don't. Please don't. 1592 01:42:36,191 --> 01:42:38,651 I really don't want you to. 1593 01:42:48,412 --> 01:42:50,746 I shall miss you, Withnail. 1594 01:42:50,831 --> 01:42:53,583 I shall miss you, too. 1595 01:42:53,667 --> 01:42:55,168 Chin chin. 1596 01:43:14,688 --> 01:43:18,191 "I have of late but wherefore I know not 1597 01:43:18,233 --> 01:43:20,026 "lost all my mirth 1598 01:43:20,110 --> 01:43:25,364 "and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition 1599 01:43:25,449 --> 01:43:27,533 "that this goodly frame the earth 1600 01:43:27,576 --> 01:43:32,121 "seems to me a sterile promontory. 1601 01:43:34,875 --> 01:43:38,252 "This most excellent canopy the air 1602 01:43:38,337 --> 01:43:42,548 "look you, this brave o'er hanging firmament 1603 01:43:42,633 --> 01:43:46,385 "this majestical roof fretted with golden fire 1604 01:43:46,428 --> 01:43:49,388 "why it appeareth nothing to me 1605 01:43:49,431 --> 01:43:53,309 "but a foul and persistent congregation of vapours. 1606 01:43:53,393 --> 01:43:58,606 "What a piece of work is a man how noble in reason 1607 01:43:58,690 --> 01:44:01,484 "how infinite in faculties, 1608 01:44:01,568 --> 01:44:04,820 "how like an angel in apprehension, 1609 01:44:04,905 --> 01:44:07,406 "how like a God, 1610 01:44:07,449 --> 01:44:09,575 "the beauty of the world, 1611 01:44:09,660 --> 01:44:11,661 "the paragon of animals 1612 01:44:11,745 --> 01:44:14,580 "and yet to me, 1613 01:44:14,665 --> 01:44:17,625 "what is this quintessence of dust? 1614 01:44:17,709 --> 01:44:20,836 "Man delights not me 1615 01:44:20,921 --> 01:44:24,590 "no, nor women neither. 1616 01:44:24,675 --> 01:44:27,885 Nor women neither."