1 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:22,522 ♪ Through early morning fog I see ♪ 2 00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:26,150 ♪ Visions ofthe things to be ♪ 3 00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ The pains that are withheld for me ♪ 4 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:35,243 ♪ I realize and I can see ♪ 5 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:41,541 ♪ That suicide is painless ♪ 6 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,919 ♪ It brings on many changes ♪ 7 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:51,968 ♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪ 8 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:59,100 ♪ The game of life is hard to play ♪ 9 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,520 ♪ I'm gonna lose it anyway ♪ 10 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:06,566 ♪ The losing card I'll someday lay ♪ 11 00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:12,655 ♪ So this is all I have to say ♪ 12 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:19,203 ♪ Suicide is painless ♪ ♪ Suicide ♪ 13 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,206 ♪ It brings on many changes ♪ ♪ Changes ♪ 14 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:28,963 ♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪ 15 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:35,720 ♪ The sword oftime will pierce our skin ♪ 16 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:39,390 ♪ It doesn't hurt when it begins ♪ 17 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:43,478 ♪ But as it works its way on in ♪ 18 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:48,775 ♪ The pain grows stronger Watch it grin ♪ 19 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,864 ♪ Suicide is painless ♪ 20 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,618 ♪ It brings on many changes ♪ 21 00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:05,374 ♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪ 22 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:11,297 ♪ A brave man once requested me ♪ 23 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:15,593 ♪ To answer questions that are key ♪ 24 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:20,264 ♪ Is it to be or not to be ♪ 25 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:24,852 ♪ And I replied "Oh, why ask me" ♪ 26 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:31,275 ♪ Suicide is painless ♪ 27 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,571 ♪ It brings on many changes ♪ 28 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:41,619 ♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪ 29 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:50,169 ♪ And you can do the same thing ♪ 30 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:56,050 ♪ Ifyou please ♪♪ 31 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,600 [ Helicopter Whirring ] 32 00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:08,896 Radar! Yes, sir. 33 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,899 Get ahold of Major Burns- Guess I better call Major Burns and tell him to put another... 34 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,777 day shift on the night shift. Hold a couple surgeons over from the day shift onto night shift. 35 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:18,072 I'll call General Hammond— Get General Hammond down there in Seoul. Tell him we gotta have two— 36 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,658 I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need 'em. 37 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,910 What was that, sir? I gave everything to Radar. 38 00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:24,996 What? 39 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,453 What the hell do you think you're doing? Huh? Well, uh— 40 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,706 Just because you're a captain, don't thinkyou run thejoint. Come on, I wasn't— 41 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,542 I run it. Yeah, all right. I'm just supposed to— 42 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,628 I know what you're supposed to do. 43 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,548 Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now. 44 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,635 [ Whistles ] 45 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,889 Racist. [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. 46 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:11,769 The following men report to the departure area: 47 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:15,314 Carey, Michael S. Phelps, Robert A. 48 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,359 Colbert- [ Indistinct ] 49 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,945 Cleaver, Herschell B. 50 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,739 Roosevelt, Charles B. Bye, ladies. Thankyou. 51 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:29,578 Ralph, Roosevelt D. Govowska, Theodore G. 52 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:36,002 Uh, 4077th MASH? This is the jeep, yeah. 53 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,087 All right. 54 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,716 Okay, let's go, boy. 55 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,804 Get my other bag. 56 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:50,891 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 57 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:16,876 Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch that just stole myjeep! 58 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,462 Hey, watch where the hell you're going, will ya? 59 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,590 [ Horn Honks ] 60 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,800 [ Tire Blows Out ] 61 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,098 [ Arguing, Indistinct ] 62 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,515 [ Chattering ] 63 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,065 There you are, sir. The officers' mess. 64 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,651 Perhaps you would like to take a small repast? 65 00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:27,071 I don't think I could eat after that ride you gave me. You want any ofthis? 66 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:30,199 No, thank you, sir. But I could do with my lunch. 67 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,702 Well, why don't you come on in with me and get a sandwich? 68 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,122 I'll follow you anywhere, sir. 69 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:48,050 Oh, how about that piece of scenery, Yankee, huh? Yes, sir. 70 00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:55,266 [ Chattering Continues ] 71 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:09,029 Who are those men? Friends ofyours, Murrhardt? 72 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,448 No, sir. First time I've ever seen them. 73 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,492 Well, maybe those are the replacements, sir. 74 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:17,371 Don't be silly. We're expecting some really sharp surgeons. 75 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:22,126 Well, I guess theyjust got separated from their units and looking for something to eat. 76 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:26,172 They've got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food. 77 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,091 [ Chattering ] 78 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,679 Can I ask you to move over just a little bit? Thank you. Ooh. 79 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,639 Be careful. Yeah. 80 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,184 But you know she's got to use— I think I'm in love. 81 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:42,438 that pHisoHex soap on her face. She really has a very bad complexion. 82 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:46,692 [ Chattering ] Uh— Uh, 83 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:50,821 well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. 84 00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:54,700 I just got into town, and, uh, well, 85 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,744 I thought maybe you could show me around. 86 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,205 Captain, I think ifyou'll notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, 87 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:02,708 she is definitely married. 88 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,920 Well, I'm the commanding officer, and I'm going to get to the bottom ofthis. 89 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,005 Boy, Bandini, they're eating here... [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. 90 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:13,010 because they want to. Attention, Captain Murrhardt- [ Continues, Indistinct ] 91 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:18,057 You men just passing through? I was just enjoying that lovely dish there. 92 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:22,561 Uh, Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. 93 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:26,357 And I'm Colonel Blake. Oh, Colonel. 94 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:29,193 I'm, uh, Duke Forrest, your new cutter. That's my driver. 95 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,363 Captain Hawkeye Pierce. [ Whistles ] 96 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,365 [ Hawkeye ] Are you leaving? [ Woman ] Yes, I am. 97 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,910 Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish. Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye. 98 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,954 Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I had a TWX about you. 99 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,249 It seems that you stole a jeep up at headquarters. No, no, no, sir. 100 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,043 No, I didn't steal a jeep. No, it's right outside. Right there. 101 00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:50,798 Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, 102 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,300 you go to your commanding officer with a copy ofyour orders? 103 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,512 Uh, Captain, uh, Pierce, is it? Mm-hmm. 104 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,431 Captain Pierce and me have been boozing all day and worked up an appetite— 105 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,017 Good, good. You've been working close to the front. 106 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,229 Now we have our slack periods here, but when the action starts, 107 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:08,649 you'll get more work in 1 2 hours than a civilian surgeon— How many nurses do we have? 108 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,734 Seventeen. How many nurses will be on my- 109 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,946 Four. I'd like to select this young girl here. 110 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,199 Yes, I think it could be arranged. And the young girl over here. The blonde— 111 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,243 Oh, Father Mulcahy. 112 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:23,080 I'd like you to meet Captain Pierce, our new surgeon. This is a Catholic chaplain. 113 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,791 And this is Captain Forrest. Dago Red. 114 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,127 Dago Red? Captain Waldowski, our dental officer. 115 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,087 Better known as Painless Pole. 116 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:33,424 This is Captain Black, our anesthesiologist. I'm the dentist here. 117 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,552 John Black. I'll be passing gas for you. Duke? Welcome. 118 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,722 [ All Talking At Once ] 119 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:45,144 Ifyou boys have any problems, my tent is right— 120 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,813 [ All Talking At Once ] 121 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:52,443 Radar! Oh, Corporal O'Reilly. Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar. 122 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,279 You'll be staying in Major Burns's tent. I'll take your things over there now. 123 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,407 Get everything out of the jeep. Don't worry about the jeep. I'll change the numbers. 124 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,409 Oh, and change the numbers on thatjeep. 125 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,838 Corporal O'Reilly? You're not billeting these enlisted men... 126 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,132 in the officers' area now, are you? 127 00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:18,802 [ No Audible Dialogue ] [ Airplane Passes Overhead ] 128 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,846 Excuse me. 129 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:24,016 I'm working for my blind brother who can't afford the trip to Korea. 130 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,143 Don't you trust that man. He's a mad dog. 131 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:30,356 Unhand me, sir. Uh, hey, Duke Forrest. 132 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,941 [ Whispering, Indistinct ] 133 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,280 [ Whistles ] 134 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,659 Now that one's mine. 135 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,081 [ Whispering, Indistinct ] 136 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,459 Hi, fellas. Who? That one? 137 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,420 [ Whistles ] Who told you that? 138 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,882 How do you know that? [ Man ] "Yea, though I walk through the valley... 139 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,260 "of the shadow of death, 140 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:04,473 I will fear no evil, for 'thoo' are with me." 141 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,433 Thou. Thou art. 142 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,894 Jesus Christ. What's all that about? 143 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,481 That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me. 144 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,152 New personnel, Major. [ Burns ] Good. 145 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,363 Hi. Hawkeye Pierce. 146 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,782 How do you do? Uh, Duke Forrest. 147 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,992 Frank Burns. How are you? 148 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,078 Go ahead, Ho-Jon. 149 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:33,168 "My cup runneth over. Surely goodness... 150 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,588 and mercy shall follow"- 151 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,882 Uh, what's this here? 152 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,428 This is Ho-Jon. He's one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read. 153 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,555 [ Duke ] Oh, is that right? Uh— 154 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,766 Reading the Bible, huh? Now, that's nice. 155 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:50,978 Listen. I tell you what. I got a book here. It's got a lot of pictures in it, 156 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:54,648 and I think it's easier to learn how to read when you look at pictures. 157 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,860 - A little adventure— pictures. - May I leave now, Major? 158 00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:01,738 - Sure, Ho-Jon. - You have fun, you hear? 159 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,366 [ Chattering ] Yeah, get some suction. 160 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,535 [ Suction Sound ] 161 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,620 Here it is. Here it is. Suture, Mary. 162 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,416 What kind of sutures are these? 163 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,961 [ Duke ] I can't see what the hell I'm doing. Scorch, I need some more sponge clamps. 164 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,005 [ Scorch ] Just a minute, Les. Okay. 165 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:21,800 Give me some big hunks of sponge or something, for crying out loud. 166 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,511 Get that thing out ofthere. You'll have to use these for now. 167 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,597 Oh, that's bleeding. That's gotta come out of there. 168 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,558 I can't stop that bleeding down there. Come on. 169 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,186 [ Chuckles ] [ Duke ] What's so funny? 170 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,272 Nothing, sir. Not a thing. [ Duke ] Is that true what I hear about you? 171 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,025 [ Murrhardt ] Duke, back to the kidney. Come on. Oh, yeah. 172 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,904 [ Scorch ] He's cute. Get it out ofthere, man. Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp. 173 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,867 Here we go. [ Scorch ] Captain Pierce, did you call me? 174 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,203 No, I didn't, and my name's Hawkeye. Give me the saw. 175 00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,331 I can't really see. It's like the Mississippi River down there. 176 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,334 Give me another one. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece. I'll tell you that. 177 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,586 I think it's gotta come out of there. 178 00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:01,590 [ Duke ] Give me a knife. And give me some more ofthat gauze. [ Hawkeye ] That thread. 179 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,678 [ Scorch ] Off the stick, or otherwise? [ Indistinct ] 180 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,849 [ Duke ] A big, honey. It's— You know- 181 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,560 Ready? I'm ready. 182 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,313 [ Sawing ] Nurse, you got a clamp, please? 183 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,315 Yes, sir. 184 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:23,612 [ Sawing Continues ] Scratch my nose. Just on— There. 185 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,031 A little harder, please. 186 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:30,536 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. All... noncommissioned off- 187 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:34,414 Attention. Attention. All noncommissioned officers... 188 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,334 will report for short arm inspection at 0400. [ Rattling ] 189 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,419 That is all. 190 00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:45,092 What's that? That's a "martin-eye," Frank. 191 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,844 Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender. 192 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,181 Would you care to imbibe, sir? I don't drink. 193 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,684 Jesus Christ, I think he means it. 194 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,770 [ Duke ] I think we've been had, Hawkeye. I think you're right, babe. 195 00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,566 I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not 1 7 years old yet. 196 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,985 You go to sleep now? Yeah. 197 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,153 I go wash clothes. [ Hawkeye ] Okay. 198 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,239 Hey, you make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon. 199 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,950 You keep it up, you hear? [ Chuckles ] 200 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,618 [ Door Closes ] 201 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:21,086 "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. 202 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:24,464 Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven." 203 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:27,009 You ever catch this syndrome before, babe? 204 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:31,138 [ Frank Continues Praying ] No. Not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't. 205 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:35,058 "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 206 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:39,813 For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen." 207 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,233 - Amen. - Amen. 208 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:46,653 And, dear God, protect our young men on the field of battle, 209 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,947 that they may return home to their dear ones. 210 00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:52,909 And, dear God, protect our supreme commander on the field... 211 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,704 and our commander in chief in Washington, D.C. 212 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:59,625 Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here? 213 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,877 Uh, Frank, how long does this show go on? 214 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:08,884 It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's. 215 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,721 [ Hawkeye ] ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪ 216 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,266 ♪ Marching as to war ♪ 217 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:20,354 [ Hawkeye And Duke ] ♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪ 218 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:24,358 ♪ Going on before ♪ 219 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:28,487 ♪ Christ, our royal master ♪ 220 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:32,324 ♪ Leads against the foe ♪ 221 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,662 ♪ Forward into battle ♪ 222 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:40,791 ♪ See his banners go ♪ 223 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,920 ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪ 224 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,507 ♪ Marching as to war ♪ 225 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:53,095 ♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪♪ [ Airplane Passes Overhead ] 226 00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,520 [ Leslie ] Yeah? [ Blake ] What's the lineup? 227 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,314 [ Leslie ] Four waiting for surgery, two waiting for the I.V.... 228 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,858 and two waiting for the antibiotics to take over. 229 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,320 Well, we can probably handle that if there's no more choppers. Pickup. 230 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,366 Scissors. 231 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,326 [ Door Opens ] 232 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:19,246 Hi, Wade. Oh, wait a second. You can't go in the colonel's office. 233 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:22,165 That's who we're looking for, babe. Henry, you've gotta do something. 234 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,835 We have stuck it out for a whole week now. Pretty girl, eh? 235 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,714 Yeah, she kinda grows on you. Uh, what is it, men? 236 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:32,008 That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent. 237 00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:34,636 Your tent? Yeah. Get that nurse in there. 238 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,097 She doesn't look like the kind keep you awake all night praying. 239 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:42,269 I've been in the army a long time. I know what you guys are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around. 240 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,021 Oh, now, Henry. Henry, not for the world would I push you around. 241 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,524 But look. There is one more thing, now that you're talking about it. 242 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,819 We need a chest cutter. Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here quick, Henry, 243 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,946 or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot oftrouble. 244 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,699 [ Henry ] Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon. We're not about to get one. 245 00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:59,536 [ Radar ] Um, excuse me, sir. They're behind in the O.R., and the pre-op ward is all jammed up. 246 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,913 The helicopters and the, uh, ambulances are coming in full. 247 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,416 [ Henry ] You guys are gonna have to go to work early today. 248 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,127 [ Duke ] What, add overtime to a 1 2-hour day? What the hell is that? 249 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,254 The union will raise all kinds of Cain with you. 250 00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:12,007 [ Hawkeye ] Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you sure need your rest. 251 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,426 You can't get 'em with a sky pilotjabbering to heaven— 252 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,928 [ Henry ] Major Burns will be out ofyour tent in 24 hours. 253 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,681 Tell them Captain Pierce and Captain Forrest are on their way. 254 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,767 [ Hawkeye ] Henry, there's just one more thing. 255 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,853 [ Henry ] I told you Major Burns will be out ofyour tent in 24 hours. 256 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,938 [ Hawkeye ] The chest cutter. [ Henry ] No. 257 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,192 I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that. 258 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:41,036 [ Hawkeye Speaking, Indistinct ] 259 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,210 My abdominal operation was doing fine. It's the head wound that did him in. 260 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:51,004 [ Duke ] Dish, get over here and hold this retractor. Okay. 261 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,965 Now. No- [ Man ] Dish, let me have a long needle holder. 262 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:58,261 [ Giving Last Rites In Latin ] [ Duke ] Uh, go ahead. 263 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:02,390 [ Speaking Latin ] [ Duke ] Dago. 264 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,770 Pull it back, Duke. Oh, hell. I can't— 265 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,814 Get hold of the other one. Dago. 266 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,775 [ Duke ] Dago, I want you over here to hold this retractor. Now. Wha— Uh— 267 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,569 Please. Come on, now. Yes. I'm sorry, I— 268 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,696 [ Hawkeye ] Hi, Dago. Hey, hold on. Don't wiggle it. 269 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,031 My hands— Just hold on. 270 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,116 [ Hawkeye ] Clamp. 271 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:25,413 I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive, and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. 272 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,624 [ Duke ] Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? 273 00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,668 Hell. Where the hell— Do you see it? 274 00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:32,254 [ Car Engine Starts, Departs ] 275 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,093 Sergeant, you know where Hawkeye is? You mean Captain Pierce? 276 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,596 No, I'd have to look at the duty roster. They're in there. 277 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:47,310 [ Hawkeye ] Oh, baby. [ Dish ] Hawkeye, you've gotta remember. I'm married. 278 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,271 I'm married. I'm happy. I love my wife. 279 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,898 If she was here, I would be with her. I'm very happily married. 280 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:56,069 There is no question of loving anybody. It is a question only of- 281 00:19:56,153 --> 00:20:00,949 I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was gonna be— 282 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,451 I was gonna be faithful to my husband. Sure. 283 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,453 [ Dish Moans ] 284 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,540 [ Hawkeye ] Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody. 285 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,625 Hawkeye? 286 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,711 [ Knocks ] 287 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,881 Ho-Jon? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. 288 00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,884 We got new chest cutter in our tent. Okay. 289 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,760 [ Both Chuckle ] 290 00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:25,307 [ Man On P.A. ] This is Radio Tokyo bringing you musical interlude... 291 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,018 for your enjoyment. I'll see you later? 292 00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,395 ♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] 293 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:35,525 ♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ] 294 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,617 ♪ Shoeshine boy ♪ 295 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,703 ♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ] 296 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:08,058 [ Duke ] That's him. [ Hawkeye ] Hiya. 297 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,935 I'm Hawkeye Pierce. 298 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:15,023 Yeah. See? That's all I can get out of him is he's from "Bahston," 299 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,400 and he's been in the army two months. 300 00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:21,071 Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's all. 301 00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,073 [ Glasses Clink ] 302 00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,375 [ Duke Clears Throat ] 303 00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:37,796 Well, listen, uh, 304 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,674 where were you when you were drafted? 305 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:43,176 I was just curious. 306 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,136 [ Clears Throat ] 307 00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:49,599 Back home. I told you before. No. I mean, what were you doing? 308 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:52,686 Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace? 309 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,729 Mmm. 310 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:59,067 Where? Hospital. 311 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:03,405 - Which hospital? - Back home. 312 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:06,116 Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital? 313 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,035 I don't know. I will ask. 314 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:13,081 Is there some reason my friend should not know the name ofthe hospital? 315 00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:19,129 There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. 316 00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:22,632 I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. 317 00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:25,301 Have you always had that mustache? 318 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:31,808 Are you a beer drinker, sir, or would you like to share a martini with me? 319 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,186 A martini. I— That would be— I'd love a martini. 320 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:37,480 Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini. 321 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:40,900 I think you will find these accommodating. They're quite dry. 322 00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:45,238 Don't you use olives? 323 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,283 Olives? Where the hell you think you are, man? 324 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,702 We do have to make certain concessions to the war. 325 00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,704 We're three miles from the front line, and— 326 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:57,751 Yes, but a man can't really savor his martini without an olive, you know. 327 00:22:57,835 --> 00:23:00,795 Otherwise, you see, it just... 328 00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:05,008 doesn't quite... make it. 329 00:23:05,092 --> 00:23:07,010 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. 330 00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:12,140 The Evangelical United Brethren Church has donated 34 "hymals"... 331 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,267 to the 4077th MASH unit. 332 00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:17,896 These "hymals" are located in the "clamp"— in the camp library... 333 00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:19,898 and may be checked out by those with cards. 334 00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:22,358 That is all. 335 00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:25,320 Listen. Am I gonna get paid for giving you guys lessons? [ Hawkeye Chuckles ] 336 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,405 Rib-cutter. 337 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:32,660 [ Duke ] Small bones, huh? 338 00:23:33,704 --> 00:23:37,373 Deaver retractor also, please. All right. Let's get her, baby. 339 00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:41,002 Okay. Can I tie this for you? Don't hog the whole operation. 340 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,254 Knocko, gauze rolls. You need some suction? 341 00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,799 [ Man ] Yeah, that's fine. 342 00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,884 Now, pickups to me, please. 343 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:52,138 How's he doing? [John ] Doing well. 344 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:56,184 Yeah. Suture. [ Man ] Yeah, looks like that's it. Looks like that's it. 345 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:01,356 - [ Dish ] What the hell did you do with our thread? It ran out. - Wanna tie that off? 346 00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,691 More thread, please, and larger needles. [ Man ] Will you let me? 347 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,693 Let me have another suture. 348 00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,071 [ Man ] All you surgeons are all alike. I tell you that. 349 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:13,493 If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint. [John ] I think he has. 350 00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:15,537 Come on, Nurse. I need a suture, please. Coming. 351 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:18,957 [ Man ] Keep ahead of him, babe, will you? We need a couple more stitches in there. 352 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:22,418 That's fine. Yeah. Thank you. [ Dish ] Just turn it around. 353 00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:25,672 It's a good thing you have a nice body, Nurse, otherwise we'd get rid ofyou quick. 354 00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:28,174 - [ Man ] Don't stick me. - [ Duke ] Keep it clean. 355 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,095 [ All Laugh ] [ Man ] Here, I can tie that for you. 356 00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:35,849 Okay. Let's have the big stitches for closing up the chest. Fine. 357 00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:38,518 [ Dish ] Larger needles, Knocko. 358 00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:40,478 Now the sutures. 359 00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:44,315 Start down here? Looks like it needs another one, huh? 360 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,985 [John ] Does anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man? 361 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,113 [ Hawkeye ] He's an enlisted man. [John ] Make the stitches big. 362 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,575 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Captain Bandi— Captain Bandini— 363 00:24:53,701 --> 00:24:58,955 [ Clears Throat ] Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop— 364 00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:01,457 [ Stammers ] 365 00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:04,961 A femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L... 366 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,088 artery explor- 367 00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:12,010 exploration and possible graft. [ Clears Throat ] 368 00:25:12,094 --> 00:25:15,513 [ Blowing Into Microphone ] The following memo has just come through: 369 00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:19,976 Please remove all pictures, postcards, nude calendars, et cetera, 370 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,688 from the walls, so that our rooms may look clean and orderly. 371 00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,024 That is all. Big "U"! 372 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:30,028 Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, 373 00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:32,864 6-nothing, 'cause I intercepted a pass? Yeah, you told me. 374 00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:35,825 They had this great passer, see? And we held them nothing-nothing... 375 00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:38,661 till the last 20 seconds, and then, snow and all, he let one go. 376 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,747 Yeah, you told me. And it went sailing— Boom! 377 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:44,250 Lucky your mouth wasn't open. It would have got stuck in your throat. Oh, baby! 378 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:47,295 Oh, it is TrapperJohn McIntyre! I thought you'd never remember. 379 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,464 Man! Man! It's TrapperJohn. 380 00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:54,135 John McIntyre. TrapperJohn. Only man ever found fulfillment in a Boston-Maine railway. 381 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:57,513 In the— In the ladies' can. Conductor opened the door, the girl looked out and yelled, 382 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,225 "Oh, you caught me! Oh, my God! He trapped me!" Is that right? 383 00:26:00,351 --> 00:26:03,561 Honest to God. How are you? I'm great. Wh-What's going on over there? 384 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,023 [ Duke ] Oh, well, well, well. It must be Painless Polish Day in the shower tent. 385 00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,359 [ Hawkeye ] Yes, sir. [ Trapper ] Painless Polish Day in the shower tent? 386 00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,694 [ Hawkeye ] Walt Waldowski, the dentist. You know— 387 00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,988 What, are those guys waiting to scrub his back, or something? 388 00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:17,825 No, he's what you might call the best-equipped dentist in the army. 389 00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:19,869 You might call it that. Yeah. 390 00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:21,913 Oh. [ Both ] Oh. 391 00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,959 I saw- Once in med school— in premed— I did an autopsy on a guy. 392 00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:28,628 He had been drowned and all swollen up— Are you an authority? 393 00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:32,674 I heard that one too. You told that one. The most extraordinary thing. And a friend of mine— 394 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:36,719 Boy, man, I'd surely love to see that angry. 395 00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:43,059 [ Helicopter Whirring ] 396 00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:30,064 [ Chattering ] 397 00:27:48,709 --> 00:27:50,585 Nurse! 398 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,090 Boone, get me a c.c. of adrenaline and a cardiac needle. 399 00:27:57,092 --> 00:28:00,053 I'm sorry- [ Stammers ] Just get it! 400 00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,558 - [ Man ] Pinch a bit. - [ Man #2 ] Looks like the lip looks pretty good. 401 00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:08,144 [ Man #1 ] That's it. Good. 402 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:11,105 [ Man #3 ] And you can cut me about a four-inch piece ofwire... 403 00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:13,316 and about an inch and a half oftape. 404 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,318 [ Chattering ] 405 00:28:17,905 --> 00:28:20,031 Hi, soldier. Who is it? 406 00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:23,451 Oh, it's Trapper. Trapper. Don't worry. Let's get some ofthis stuff off. 407 00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:26,871 You idiot. I said a cardiac needle. 408 00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:31,250 - You want me to get a nurse? - It's too late, Boone. You killed him. 409 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,188 [ Sobbing ] 410 00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:06,744 At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan, our new chief nurse. 411 00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:08,830 This is where we do the dirty work. 412 00:29:08,956 --> 00:29:10,873 Uh, Captain Murrhardt. [ Man ] Sponge. 413 00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:12,917 [ Murrhardt ] Hi. Hello. Hi, Captain. 414 00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:17,296 Dennis. Don't you remember? I, uh, helped carry your luggage from the airfield. 415 00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:20,258 Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis. Yeah. Hi. 416 00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:23,428 This is Captain Black. Hello, Captain Black. 417 00:29:23,554 --> 00:29:27,557 Hi, I'm UglyJohn, your gas passer. Oh. [ Chuckles ] UglyJohn. 418 00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,436 Oh, it's only you, Judson. Uh, Captain Sacks. Hello, Captain Sacks. 419 00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:33,896 How's the operation going? Are you kidding? 420 00:29:33,981 --> 00:29:36,315 [ Chattering ] Scissor. 421 00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:41,028 Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy. Hello, Major. 422 00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,989 Hello, Captain. Right. 423 00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:46,868 [ Henry ] Now I'll show you the rest of the operation, ifyou'll excuse the pun. 424 00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:54,584 This is the, uh, pre-op ward. Oh, I'll take these things. 425 00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:58,379 This is the post-op ward. Uh, ifyou don't mind. 426 00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:01,132 Oh. Vollmer, take care ofthese, will you, please? 427 00:30:01,258 --> 00:30:04,260 Finished work for the day? Yes, why? 428 00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:08,848 Good. Good. I just, uh, wanted to make sure you had time to sleep this off. 429 00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:13,352 Son of a bitch! 430 00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:17,398 Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell? That's a captain? 431 00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,525 What's going on? Who started this? 432 00:30:19,610 --> 00:30:22,236 I hit him. I hit him. He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead. 433 00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:24,572 He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up. 434 00:30:25,908 --> 00:30:28,826 Let us settle this, Colonel, between ourselves. Alone. 435 00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:31,370 What do you think I'm running, an English boarding school? 436 00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:34,790 McIntyre, you're under arrest. Confine yourself to quarters, pending an investigation. 437 00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:36,792 Oh, Henry, are you kidding? 438 00:30:36,877 --> 00:30:38,878 I deeply regret this unfortunate incident. 439 00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:41,088 We try to remember we're a military organization. 440 00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:43,799 I should certainly hope so. 441 00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:47,053 Vollmer, that man is under arrest. Confine him to his quarters. 442 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:50,932 Captain McIntyre, you are officially— 443 00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:53,100 Oh, come on. Cut it out, Vollmer. 444 00:30:57,397 --> 00:31:00,233 [ Man ] Attention camp compound. Urine specimens... 445 00:31:00,317 --> 00:31:02,652 will be required from all pers- 446 00:31:02,736 --> 00:31:05,655 Uh— [ Stammers ] Uh, disregard last transmission. 447 00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:07,532 I'm sorry, Colonel. Hi, Henry. 448 00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:09,158 What the hell's the matter with you? 449 00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,868 Henry, you want some coffee? Yes, please. 450 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:12,912 Ho-Jon, get him some coffee. What's wrong with you? 451 00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:17,750 I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up. 452 00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:20,878 That's no kind of an answer. Come on, Henry. You know why he hit him. 453 00:31:20,963 --> 00:31:23,589 I can't have myjunior officers striking each other. Thank you. 454 00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:27,134 [ Duke ] Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! 455 00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:32,223 Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault. 456 00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:35,476 Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to believe him. 457 00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,354 [ Duke ] Hell with that. [ Henry ] I'm tired ofyou guys trying to run this outfit. 458 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,356 This time there's going to be disciplinary action. 459 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,149 What are you going to do, Henry? 460 00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:45,653 [ Muttering ] Well, I had planned to name Trapper chief surgeon... 461 00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:48,072 to consult on your shift and Frank's. 462 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:52,243 - That's damn good thinking. - Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week. 463 00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:55,496 If I announced it now after what our new chief nurse saw this afternoon, 464 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,790 you'd hear her yelling from Washington to Seoul. 465 00:31:57,874 --> 00:32:00,167 Don't you have any sugar in this place? 466 00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:03,421 [ Man Imitating Japanese Accent ] Good morning. Today's musical selections... 467 00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:08,718 will be rendered by Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats! 468 00:32:08,802 --> 00:32:12,263 Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not answer the phone, sir. 469 00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:14,348 They said he was at a football game. 470 00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:17,018 Those generals have all the fun. 471 00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,103 Yes, sir. 472 00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:22,690 ♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ] 473 00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:53,137 ♪♪ [ Stops ] [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. May I have the camp's attention? 474 00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:57,516 This week's movie will be When Willie Comes Marching Home. 475 00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:03,022 Uh, the biggest parade of laughs ofWorld War II. 476 00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:08,194 All the loves, laughs and escapades of the Willies who came marching home. 477 00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:12,948 This film stars Dan Dailey, Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend. 478 00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:15,868 Captain Pierce, may I join you? 479 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:20,539 [ Chuckles ] You've alreadyjoined me, gorgeous. You're a sight for sore eyes. 480 00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:23,209 [ Chuckles ] Where do you come from? 481 00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:26,504 Well, I like to think ofthe army as my home. 482 00:33:26,588 --> 00:33:29,131 Oh, yeah? Yeah? 483 00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:32,802 Ho-Jon, you bring me some ketchup, will ya? 484 00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:35,971 Captain, I've been observing the nurses on your shift. Yeah, I know. I saw you. 485 00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:39,433 [ Houlihan ] Naturally, your own opinion is more informed than mine. 486 00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,770 [ Hawkeye ] And you would like to know what I think ofthe nurses on my team. 487 00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:45,439 Well, I'll tell you. I think they're fine. I think they're just great. 488 00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:48,150 [ Hawkeye ] I'm totally satisfied with them. [ Man ] Keep the blood— 489 00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:50,194 Oh, no, no. That's the second time this week. 490 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,322 Of course. What'd you expect? [ All Chattering ] 491 00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:00,371 [ Woman ] Here come the girls. 492 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,708 [ Hawkeye ] Welcome, gentlemen. 493 00:34:03,792 --> 00:34:09,171 [ All ] ♪ When the lights go on again ♪ 494 00:34:09,256 --> 00:34:11,716 ♪ All over the world ♪ 495 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,678 [ Man ] Got enough room? [ Chattering ] 496 00:34:15,762 --> 00:34:18,514 [ Trapper ] Sponge stick. Get rid ofthe line for me. 497 00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,559 ♪ All over the world ♪♪ 498 00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:25,146 [ Dago Red ] Is he all right, Hawkeye? [ Hawkeye ] Is he all right, Dago? 499 00:34:26,231 --> 00:34:30,276 [ Hawkeye ] Yes, you mean is he gonna live? He'll live. 500 00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:34,238 Let me have another sponge stick. [ Hawkeye ] Is somebody going to be around tomorrow morning... 501 00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:38,075 when he wakes up, to tell him that he hasn't got anything between his legs anymore? 502 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:40,202 [ Trapper ] Let me have the long fingers. 503 00:34:40,287 --> 00:34:41,871 Syngman Rhee paid the light bill. 504 00:34:41,997 --> 00:34:45,708 Well, Major Burns is far from satisfied. That doesn't surprise me. 505 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:49,754 Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater. 506 00:34:49,838 --> 00:34:53,507 He does not know his way around a body. And ifyou will have observed anything, 507 00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:56,552 you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. 508 00:34:56,636 --> 00:35:00,681 He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon. 509 00:35:00,766 --> 00:35:04,602 Oh, on the contrary, I have observed that Major Burns... 510 00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:08,856 is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. 511 00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,441 Finished? 512 00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:15,613 I've also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye." 513 00:35:15,697 --> 00:35:17,615 Yeah, because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce. 514 00:35:17,699 --> 00:35:21,076 Well, that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency... 515 00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:24,038 in a military organization. Oh, come off it, Major. 516 00:35:25,916 --> 00:35:28,876 You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? 517 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:33,005 I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm gonna put away the best part of a bottle of scotch, 518 00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:35,007 and under normal circumstances— 519 00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:37,968 you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman— 520 00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:40,638 I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, 521 00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:43,140 and you might possibly have come. 522 00:35:43,225 --> 00:35:45,184 But you really put me off. 523 00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:49,855 I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown. 524 00:35:53,193 --> 00:35:56,237 I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached... 525 00:35:56,321 --> 00:35:58,864 a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps. 526 00:35:58,949 --> 00:36:01,033 He was drafted. 527 00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:04,119 ♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ] 528 00:36:17,092 --> 00:36:18,968 Radar! Your briefcase, sir. 529 00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,595 Oh, I'm going to spend the day with General Hammond— Good luck with General Hammond. 530 00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:24,181 [ Continues, Indistinct ] You'll be back tomorrow morning, and Major Burns will be in full charge. 531 00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,225 Major Burns will be in charge. Good luck. 532 00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:28,310 See you in the morning. 533 00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,856 Sir, are there any last-minute instructions you want to give to the men? 534 00:36:31,982 --> 00:36:33,941 Uh, Radar has all the necessary information. Yeah, but... 535 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,026 who's gonna be on C.Q. tonight? 536 00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:38,737 W-Wait a minute. What about the, uh— 537 00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:41,198 Oh, Captain. Yes, sir? 538 00:36:41,283 --> 00:36:44,118 I left some shirts on my bunk. The buttons are missing. 539 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,120 Will you ask Satsumi to sew them up, please? 540 00:36:46,246 --> 00:36:48,747 I'd be glad to do them for you. You don't have to. 541 00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:51,000 It's nothing. Really. Greatjacket. Is it new? 542 00:36:51,084 --> 00:36:53,544 Oh, yeah. My— Uh, it was sent to me. 543 00:36:53,670 --> 00:36:56,088 You don't have to do that. Take care. 544 00:36:56,298 --> 00:36:58,507 ♪ Hail to the chief♪ 545 00:36:58,592 --> 00:37:01,176 ♪ He's the best of all the surgeons ♪ 546 00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:05,180 ♪ He needs a queen to satisfy his urges ♪ 547 00:37:05,265 --> 00:37:09,476 ♪ Hail to the chief He's the best of all the trappers ♪ 548 00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:14,982 ♪ He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers ♪ 549 00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:18,903 ♪ Hail to the chief He's the best of all the cutters ♪ 550 00:37:18,987 --> 00:37:24,033 ♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ] 551 00:37:24,117 --> 00:37:27,703 Blake has gone out of his mind. Is that gonna go on all night? 552 00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:32,750 ♪ He took his orders and shoved them up his rectum ♪♪ 553 00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:36,211 No, no. No food. No food. Sex. I want sex. 554 00:37:36,338 --> 00:37:39,089 [ Trapper ] Bring me some sex. [ Duke ] Scorch, come forth. 555 00:37:39,174 --> 00:37:40,966 No, no. That one. Bring me that one there. 556 00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,801 [ Hawkeye ] He's chosen you. Congratulations. 557 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,889 That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off. 558 00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:48,557 [ Indistinct ] I want that one, yes. 559 00:37:48,642 --> 00:37:51,352 [ Trapper ] Yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now. 560 00:37:51,478 --> 00:37:55,856 [ Loud Clatter ] [ Chattering ] 561 00:37:55,941 --> 00:37:59,818 Doctor! Doctor! You forgot your shingle, Doctor. 562 00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:01,862 [ All ] Ew! 563 00:38:06,576 --> 00:38:09,078 [ Typewriter Clacking ] 564 00:38:11,957 --> 00:38:14,959 This... letter... 565 00:38:15,043 --> 00:38:19,672 has... been... written... 566 00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:22,091 in the interest... [ Bell Dings ] 567 00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:24,176 of- Army morale. 568 00:38:26,388 --> 00:38:31,225 Good. Army... morale. 569 00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:34,812 [ Chattering ] 570 00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:42,069 [ Trapper ] You wanna sing one? Wait a second. Wait a second. Radar's gonna sing us a verse. 571 00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:47,574 "This letter has been written in the interest of army morale. 572 00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:51,996 "As officers, we feel it is our duty to bring this unwholesome situation to your attention. 573 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,374 "We are writing this letter jointly to assure you that no one's personal feeling... 574 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,459 "has any way influenced this report. 575 00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:59,461 Respectfully, MargaretJ. Houlihan"— That's perfect. 576 00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,463 "Major Burns." That's perfect. 577 00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:04,341 I think it's a marvelous letter. We make a good team, don't we? 578 00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:07,302 We think the same way. Of course we do. 579 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:13,392 It's almost suppertime. You're not hungry, are you? 580 00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:15,477 Ravenous. How about you? 581 00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:17,604 For you, Margaret. 582 00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:39,960 [ Breathing Heavily ] Now, the sooner this reaches him, 583 00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:44,048 the sooner we can turn this into a tight military outfit. 584 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,679 [ Blowing Into Microphone On P.A. ] 585 00:39:50,764 --> 00:39:53,140 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention, camp compound. 586 00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:56,560 Corporal Judson has informed the colonel's office... 587 00:39:56,644 --> 00:40:00,564 that three cases of amphetamine sulfate are unaccounted for again. 588 00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:03,692 This is the third occurrence of this type in the last month. 589 00:40:03,777 --> 00:40:08,655 It must stop by order of Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit. 590 00:40:09,741 --> 00:40:13,243 I only wish I could deliver that letter personally. 591 00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:16,205 Good night, Frank. Good night, Margaret. 592 00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,916 I'll stop by later on to see ifyou're all right. 593 00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:22,836 Why, that won't be necessary. Oh, I don't mind. 594 00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,922 I'll leave the door unlocked. 595 00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,344 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Captain McIntyre will give a lecture on... 596 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,597 blood and fluid replacement in the mess hall at 0800. 597 00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,599 Uh, uh, correction. 598 00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:38,936 At 02 1 — At 9:00 this evening. 599 00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:41,230 - [ Trapper ] Radar? - [ Chattering ] 600 00:40:41,356 --> 00:40:44,149 Take your hat off, Radar. You're before the king. 601 00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:45,609 Uh, queen— 602 00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:48,529 [ Trapper ] Don't get nervous, Radar. "Long, long, long"— 603 00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,658 ♪ Long live the chief♪ 604 00:40:52,742 --> 00:40:53,909 ♪ The colonel ♪ [ Giggles ] 605 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,787 ♪ The colonel Long live the chief♪ 606 00:40:56,871 --> 00:41:00,374 ♪ The colonel did elect him ♪ [ Chattering ] 607 00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:04,211 ♪ But he took all his orders and shoved it up his nose ♪♪ [ Laughing, Chattering ] 608 00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,797 ♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ] 609 00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:25,065 You all right? 610 00:41:25,150 --> 00:41:27,442 Fine. 611 00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:30,404 Godless buffoons, all of them. 612 00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:33,240 It's the disrespect for you, Frank. That— 613 00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,243 That's what I can't forgive. 614 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:38,620 I'm used to it. 615 00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:42,708 - Licorice? - Oh, no. Thank you. 616 00:41:45,587 --> 00:41:48,338 What makes me sore is how they behave towards you. 617 00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,258 They oughta be grateful to have you. 618 00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,430 I certainly am. 619 00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,102 I'm grateful to have you, Frank. 620 00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:10,611 We've grown very close in a short time. 621 00:42:12,906 --> 00:42:16,366 It isn't just chance. 622 00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,452 I'm sure ofthat. 623 00:42:20,872 --> 00:42:23,123 God meant us to find each other. 624 00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,212 His will be done. [ Moans ] 625 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,173 Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank! 626 00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:34,718 [ Houlihan ] Let me get it. 627 00:42:35,803 --> 00:42:39,640 I'll help you. Oh, yes. Yes. 628 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,769 [ Frank ] Get it. Wait. Get my robe. 629 00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:47,064 Oh. [ Frank ] Get my zipper. My zipper. 630 00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,316 [ Houlihan ] All right. Oh, God. 631 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,401 [ Frank ] Oh. Careful. 632 00:42:51,486 --> 00:42:53,737 [ Both Grunting ] 633 00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,822 Oh, Frank. Oh. 634 00:42:57,492 --> 00:43:01,328 [ All ] Shh! [ Trapper ] Get the searchlight on. 635 00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:03,538 Look. 636 00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:06,583 [ Knocks ] 637 00:43:06,668 --> 00:43:08,669 [ Duke ] Hey. Put the light out. 638 00:43:10,171 --> 00:43:12,381 [ Dago Red ] Hi. What's going on? 639 00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:16,885 May I join you? [ Duke ] Uh, a little radio show. 640 00:43:16,970 --> 00:43:20,347 [ Houlihan Moaning ] Oh, Frank! Oh, yes! 641 00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,349 My zipper. Wait. Oh, Frank! 642 00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:25,560 Careful. Careful. [ Houlihan Moaning ] Oh, Frank! 643 00:43:25,687 --> 00:43:29,398 Is this the Bickersons? I love them. Who? 644 00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,483 [ Moaning Continues ] The battling Bickersons. I love- 645 00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,860 [ Houlihan ] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! 646 00:43:34,904 --> 00:43:37,155 Oh, Frank! Oh! Yeah. 647 00:43:37,240 --> 00:43:39,116 [ Bed Creaking ] 648 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:41,410 Hard! Ooh. [ Mouthing Words ] 649 00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:45,122 Harder. Ow. Oh, Frank. [ Frank ] There it goes. 650 00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:47,124 [ Houlihan ] Oh, yeah. 651 00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:51,169 Oh! No, I, uh— I forgot— I— 652 00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,672 No. [ Moaning Continues ] 653 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,970 You're shining that thing in my eyes. Oh, I'm sorry. 654 00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,930 [ Moaning Continues ] 655 00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:06,393 Oh, he is such a sweet man. [ Laughs ] 656 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,104 Oh, Frank. Oh, Frank, my lips are hot. 657 00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,398 Oh! Kiss my hot lips! 658 00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,483 [ Frank ] Oh, yes, they are hot. 659 00:44:13,568 --> 00:44:16,403 Lips. Hot- Hot lips? 660 00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,489 We have got to share this with the rest ofthe camp. 661 00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,491 [ All Laugh ] 662 00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:25,078 Switch it over. Okay. 663 00:44:25,163 --> 00:44:27,289 Oh, Frank, yes! [ Frank ] Darling! 664 00:44:27,415 --> 00:44:28,790 Clamp. [ Houlihan ] Oh. 665 00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:31,626 Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank! Strangle me. 666 00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:33,962 Hard! Frank! Oh! 667 00:44:34,047 --> 00:44:36,423 What the hell is that? 668 00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:38,675 [ Houlihan ] Oh, yes. Oh! 669 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,430 Looks like Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit of dilatation and curettage. 670 00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:46,516 [ Whispering ] Th-That's, uh— That's, uh— 671 00:44:46,642 --> 00:44:51,146 Well, it sounds like the, uh, major- the new major is having a dream. She's plugged in. 672 00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:53,357 Oh, Major! [ Feedback ] 673 00:44:53,483 --> 00:44:56,193 Frank! [ Voice Echoes On P.A. ] Frank! 674 00:44:56,319 --> 00:44:59,780 Frank! Wait a second! [ Echoing ] What is it? 675 00:44:59,906 --> 00:45:02,157 Turn the light off! [ Clicks ] 676 00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:04,951 No, that's on! Turn it off! [ Echoing On P.A. ] 677 00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,706 Get your clothes on. Get your pants on. [ Echoing Continues ] 678 00:45:09,791 --> 00:45:13,502 Don't shout at me! Don't shove! 679 00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,545 Frank, wait. 680 00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:19,633 ♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ] 681 00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:25,472 ♪ My ♪ 682 00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:28,433 ♪ Blue heaven ♪♪ 683 00:45:28,643 --> 00:45:31,186 [ Painless ] Uh, it's too bad Henry wasn't here. 684 00:45:31,312 --> 00:45:33,897 He would have thought it was a real radio program. Mmm. 685 00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,274 I thought it was a radio program. 686 00:45:36,359 --> 00:45:39,903 I think we should send a letter of commendation to the Armed Forces Radio Network. 687 00:45:39,987 --> 00:45:42,072 Ah, wonderful. Yes. 688 00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:45,117 It was the most uplifting program I have ever heard. 689 00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:47,869 [ Painless ] It was climactic. [ Chuckles ] 690 00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,336 Morning, ladies. 691 00:46:03,845 --> 00:46:06,012 Well, hi, "Hot Lips." 692 00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:10,475 Oh, my goodness! Over my— I'm so sorry to touch you, but I— 693 00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,436 [ Whistles ] 694 00:46:12,562 --> 00:46:16,106 [ Clicks Tongue ] Well, what's the matter with her today? 695 00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:18,358 I don't know. I think it's one ofthose ladies' things. 696 00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:21,027 [ Trapper ] It's not like her to act like this. No, she usually doesn't. 697 00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,905 She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel— 698 00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:26,908 I think she's gonna have a nervous breakdown. She can't even get out the door. 699 00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:30,370 [ Laughing ] 700 00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:32,873 [ Chattering ] 701 00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:35,417 Morning, Frank. 702 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,713 Heard from your wife? [ Whistles ] 703 00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:46,887 Morning, Colonel. You forgot your briefcase. Uh, yes, I left it in the jeep. 704 00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:50,140 You left it there. Oh, I forgot it. Morning, Captain. 705 00:46:50,266 --> 00:46:53,226 Morning, sir. I hope you didn't have to— Here, take care of this. 706 00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:56,605 I hope you didn't have to bother with those shirts. It wasn't necessary. 707 00:46:56,731 --> 00:46:59,649 Too late, sir. It's a done thing. Oh, well, thank you very much. 708 00:46:59,734 --> 00:47:03,737 Morning, Padre. [ Continues, Indistinct ] 709 00:47:05,698 --> 00:47:08,492 Uh, Colonel, sir? How was your visit, sir? 710 00:47:08,576 --> 00:47:10,619 Oh, great. The general wasn't there. 711 00:47:10,703 --> 00:47:12,621 Oh. 712 00:47:12,747 --> 00:47:16,791 Listen. About last night, sir. There was, uh— There was just- There was nothing I could do about it. 713 00:47:16,876 --> 00:47:17,876 Sir. Nothing? 714 00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,377 Nothing. 715 00:47:19,462 --> 00:47:21,630 Well, it couldn't have been helped. 716 00:47:21,714 --> 00:47:23,632 Thank you, sir. 717 00:47:23,716 --> 00:47:25,675 Oh, what's that? 718 00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:28,386 Oh, Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce. Very encouraging. 719 00:47:28,596 --> 00:47:31,723 A bunch ofthe boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, 720 00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:33,934 what Hot Lips was like in the sack. 721 00:47:34,060 --> 00:47:36,019 You know, was she— Mind your own business. 722 00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,731 No, Frank. You know, is she better than self-abuse? That was really the sort of basic— 723 00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:43,693 What's that all about? He gonna get some pointers or something? 724 00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:47,656 No. Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make a personal appearance tour... 725 00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:50,242 in all the camps in Korea. Oh, is that a fact? 726 00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:52,536 Wonder what they're saying. Can you make it out? 727 00:47:52,620 --> 00:47:57,082 Does that, uh— Does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid? 728 00:47:57,166 --> 00:47:59,042 What would you say about that? 729 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:03,838 Um, Hawkeye's questioning the major on a point of anatomy. 730 00:48:03,923 --> 00:48:06,007 Very professional, exchanging ideas. 731 00:48:06,092 --> 00:48:08,385 Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? 732 00:48:08,469 --> 00:48:10,136 [ Hawkeye Growls ] 733 00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:13,807 What is Burns saying? Uh, Major Burns isn't saying much of anything, sir. 734 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,809 I think he's formulating the answer. 735 00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:18,728 Seriously, Frank. I mean, does she go, "Ooooh," 736 00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:21,731 or does she just sort of lie there quiet and not do anything at all? 737 00:48:21,816 --> 00:48:25,110 - Keep your filthy mouth to yourself. - Or does she go, "Uh-uh-uh"? 738 00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:31,575 Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me! 739 00:48:31,659 --> 00:48:33,785 What's going on, Frank? That lesson one? 740 00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,204 Frank Burns has gone nuts! 741 00:48:37,873 --> 00:48:40,500 [ Chattering ] 742 00:48:40,585 --> 00:48:43,420 I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake. 743 00:48:43,504 --> 00:48:46,590 Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. 744 00:48:46,716 --> 00:48:49,175 I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Gonna kill him. 745 00:48:49,260 --> 00:48:51,678 - [ Man ] Frank, we love ya. - Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye. 746 00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,763 [ All Grunting ] 747 00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:57,767 [ Gong ] 748 00:48:57,852 --> 00:49:04,899 ♪ The time has come for us to say sayonara ♪ 749 00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:13,742 ♪ My heart will always be yours for eternity ♪ 750 00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:24,336 ♪ I knew sometime we'd have to say sayonara ♪ 751 00:49:27,548 --> 00:49:29,466 ♪ We promised that we- ♪ 752 00:49:29,550 --> 00:49:35,055 Uh, Colonel, fair is fair. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home? 753 00:49:37,850 --> 00:49:41,895 ♪ I'll remember our romance ♪ 754 00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:46,441 ♪ Until the day that I die ♪ 755 00:49:47,443 --> 00:49:54,407 ♪ I see your face in the moon and stars in the sky ♪♪ 756 00:49:56,494 --> 00:49:58,411 [ Scorch ] Hawkeye! Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. 757 00:49:58,496 --> 00:50:01,331 Hawkeye! Oh, shit. 758 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,375 Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman, get another guy. 759 00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:05,877 We gotta take this into the O.R. just on the stretcher. 760 00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:07,921 Hold on. You're gonna be just fine, fella. 761 00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:12,759 Okay, I can't move my hand. Now come on. [ Soldier Crying ] 762 00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,428 Have you got the cut-downs? 763 00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:17,764 You're gonna go to sleep, baby. You're gonna be just fine. 764 00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,849 [ UglyJohn ] Hot Lips, let me have one ofyour sterile knives. 765 00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:23,895 I'm gonna need two vascular clamps and an arterial suture. 766 00:50:23,979 --> 00:50:27,732 As soon as you give me the clamps, I want you to be ready to gown and glove me. 767 00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,776 All right? You ready? [ Leslie ] Yeah. 768 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:32,654 Okay. Here we go. It's going to spurt a bit. Okay. 769 00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,198 Got it? Ay ay baby. 770 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:38,618 Clamp? Yeah. 771 00:50:42,540 --> 00:50:44,624 [ Hawkeye ] Okay, gown. 772 00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:50,004 - Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready? - Yeah. 773 00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:53,800 Okay. Ugly, move out of the way, 'cause I'm working around over there. 774 00:50:53,926 --> 00:50:57,762 Baby, we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before. [ Leslie Chuckles ] 775 00:50:57,888 --> 00:50:59,764 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. Got it? 776 00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:01,975 Okay. Here she goes. A message from Colonel Blake's office. 777 00:51:02,101 --> 00:51:04,728 We're off and running. The American Medical Association has just declared marijuana... 778 00:51:04,812 --> 00:51:06,730 a dangerous drug. 779 00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:09,357 Despite earlier claims by some physicians that it is no more harmful... 780 00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:12,736 than alcohol, this is not found to be the case. 781 00:51:12,820 --> 00:51:14,696 That is all. Oh, really? 782 00:51:14,822 --> 00:51:17,949 As a matter of fact— When did you get them? Let me try it on you. 783 00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,410 Yeah? Yeah. 784 00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:24,581 Hey, Dago Redo! Hi. Just in time for cocktails. Come on in. 785 00:51:24,665 --> 00:51:27,542 Uh, no, no. Thank you. I can't, really. Hawkeye? 786 00:51:27,668 --> 00:51:31,504 Haw-Hawkeye? Hawkeye, could I speak to you? Yeah, go ahead. 787 00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:34,758 No, uh, out- outside. Outside. What? 788 00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:37,927 I have to talk to you outside. 789 00:51:38,012 --> 00:51:40,054 [ Dog Barks ] 790 00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:42,515 All right. Hiya, pup-pup. 791 00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:46,269 Uh, sorry to drag you away from the gang in there, but— What? 792 00:51:46,353 --> 00:51:48,646 This- This'll only take a moment. Um, 793 00:51:48,773 --> 00:51:51,232 there's a problem with Walt Waldowski. Painless? 794 00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:53,485 Painless. You got a toothache? He's a good dentist. 795 00:51:53,569 --> 00:51:57,447 No, no, no. It's not my problem. It's his problem. Um— 796 00:51:57,573 --> 00:52:01,284 What do you mean? What is it? Well, what is it? That's, um— 797 00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:04,662 It's difficult to talk about, you see, because, um, 798 00:52:04,747 --> 00:52:06,915 I learned about his problem in confession. 799 00:52:07,041 --> 00:52:10,168 Oh, and you can't— I can't divulge. 800 00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:13,922 Can you give me a hint? [ Chuckles ] 801 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:16,966 Just an idea. No. Um— 802 00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:20,053 But I can— I can tell you how, uh— how serious it is. 803 00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:25,141 Um, he and the boys were playing poker, and one of the boys turned to him... 804 00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:28,645 and asked him for a ruling on one of the hands. 805 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:33,775 And Walt said, uh— He said, "What does it matter? 806 00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:36,277 It's only a game." 807 00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:39,072 Painless said, "What does it matter? It's only a game"? "Only a game." 808 00:52:39,198 --> 00:52:41,366 Poker only a game? Yeah. 809 00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:44,202 [ Whistles ] Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's what I thought. 810 00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:47,163 I guess I better go see a man about a tooth. 811 00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:50,041 Thank you. [ Helicopter Whirring ] 812 00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:52,460 I didn't know what to... do. 813 00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:55,463 Pup-pup. You see, there are some— 814 00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:59,884 [ Hawkeye Whistles ] Uh, there are some things that absolution just, uh— 815 00:52:59,969 --> 00:53:01,886 Well— 816 00:53:01,971 --> 00:53:04,973 [ Chattering ] 817 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:11,020 [ UglyJohn ] Hey, Hawkeye, there's an empty chair here looking for a player. 818 00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:13,731 Oh, baby, I've got a toothache like you can't believe. 819 00:53:13,816 --> 00:53:17,443 [ Murrhardt ] Why do you bring that dog in here? Last time you did, I lost $30. 820 00:53:18,487 --> 00:53:21,531 Listen, why do you have to sit right behind me? It makes me very nervous. 821 00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:23,700 It brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone. 822 00:53:23,826 --> 00:53:26,744 [ Man ] Come on. Let's play, man. Deuce. Ace. 823 00:53:26,829 --> 00:53:29,330 Can I take some ofyour scotch? Sure. 824 00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:31,624 You want some? No. 825 00:53:33,544 --> 00:53:37,589 How you feeling? No, no. Don't touch me. 826 00:53:37,673 --> 00:53:39,841 Look. If, uh— 827 00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:43,928 if a man isn't a man anymore, 828 00:53:45,806 --> 00:53:49,309 what's he got left that, uh— that he should be living for? 829 00:53:50,978 --> 00:53:52,979 Okay. Tell me about it. What's the story? 830 00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:57,984 Well, you know that, uh, little nurse that was through here last night with the 325th? 831 00:53:58,110 --> 00:54:01,863 The little one with the big... boobs. Yeah, the— Yeah, I know. Yeah. 832 00:54:01,947 --> 00:54:04,073 Well, anyway, I, uh— 833 00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:06,075 I wasn't gonna fool around out here... 834 00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:08,077 because, you know, I got these, uh— 835 00:54:08,162 --> 00:54:11,998 I've got these three girls that I'm engaged to back home. 836 00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:15,543 And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home- 837 00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:18,463 Anyway, I took her out last night, and I— 838 00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:21,925 I failed. You mean she wouldn't put out? But you— 839 00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:25,887 No, she wanted to in the worst way, but it was me. I just couldn't. Uh— 840 00:54:26,013 --> 00:54:28,598 Oh, you couldn't— It wouldn't get— Yeah, nothing happened. 841 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:31,976 Not at all. No. [ Chuckles ] Baby, that happens to everybody. 842 00:54:32,061 --> 00:54:34,062 It's happened to me maybe four or five times- 843 00:54:34,146 --> 00:54:36,397 Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before. 844 00:54:37,942 --> 00:54:41,152 Come on. You're the best-equipped dentist in the army. 845 00:54:41,236 --> 00:54:43,404 You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit. 846 00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:45,490 That's just a cover-up. 847 00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:50,411 What's a cover-up? Don Juanism. I've been reading about it all day. 848 00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:53,373 It's a cover-up. It's a cover-up for what? 849 00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,377 Well, 850 00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:01,923 I'm a fairy. 851 00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:04,175 A victim of latent homosexuality. 852 00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:06,761 I've turned into a fairy. 853 00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,227 Uh— [ Stammers ] 854 00:55:15,771 --> 00:55:17,647 Have you— Have you done anything? You know. 855 00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,525 No, but it's only a matter oftime. Yeah. 856 00:55:20,609 --> 00:55:23,236 Boy, I just can't face it. 857 00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:28,366 Look, Hawkeye. Suppose that, uh, you found out that you were one, huh? 858 00:55:28,492 --> 00:55:32,620 One— Yeah. Well, you wouldn't like breaking the news to your wife. 859 00:55:32,705 --> 00:55:34,747 No, I can see that that would be a problem. 860 00:55:34,832 --> 00:55:38,918 Yeah, well, I got the same problem, only multiplied. 861 00:55:39,086 --> 00:55:42,255 [ Trapper ] Well, you know, Man o' War, 862 00:55:42,339 --> 00:55:44,674 after they retired him from racing, 863 00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:47,927 they put him out to, uh— to stud. 864 00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:52,849 And, uh, he had an average... 865 00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:57,854 of about 1 20, 1 30... 866 00:55:57,938 --> 00:55:59,939 foals every year. 867 00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:02,650 And he lived to be 36. 868 00:56:02,735 --> 00:56:04,694 And then when he died, they did an autopsy, 869 00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:08,031 and they found out that he was a raving queen. 870 00:56:08,115 --> 00:56:09,991 [ Man Laughing ] 871 00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:12,368 No. That's- That's a little-known fact, but it's the truth. 872 00:56:12,453 --> 00:56:15,204 Then Painless has got a couple of good years left in him, doesn't he? 873 00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:17,832 Maybe more. He hasn't even started raving yet. 874 00:56:17,916 --> 00:56:21,836 Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem. 875 00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,797 His problem is that he believes it. I mean, he really is convinced. 876 00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:30,011 This- This— It's an obsession and is a viable force. 877 00:56:30,137 --> 00:56:32,096 Here he comes, the jawbreaker. Oh. 878 00:56:32,181 --> 00:56:34,182 [ Trapper ] Don't worry. He's not gonna break anything ofyours. 879 00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:36,267 [ Duke ] Just act, uh, natural. 880 00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:41,647 [ Snickers ] 881 00:56:42,649 --> 00:56:44,567 [ Man Chuckles ] 882 00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,235 Hi, Painless. Hi. 883 00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:47,779 How's she going? 884 00:56:47,863 --> 00:56:49,447 Something in a marshmallow? 885 00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:55,036 [ Painless ] No, it's- it's okay, fellas. I know you've been talking about me, and— 886 00:56:57,664 --> 00:57:01,584 Well, I came over to tell you that I've decided that I'm... 887 00:57:01,710 --> 00:57:04,087 going to commit suicide. [ Snickers ] 888 00:57:04,171 --> 00:57:05,505 Oh. 889 00:57:06,882 --> 00:57:09,717 Well, ifyou're really gonna go ahead and do it, 890 00:57:09,802 --> 00:57:13,596 uh, you think you could— you could leave me your record player? 891 00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,474 Oh, sure. Thank you. 892 00:57:17,518 --> 00:57:21,896 Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you plan to do it? Uh, .45 between the eyes? 893 00:57:22,022 --> 00:57:25,191 Oh, that's awful sloppy. [ Murrhardt ] It's reliable though. 894 00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:28,236 Well, the— That's another thing I wanted to ask you. 895 00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:31,405 I'm, uh, sort of new at this game and, uh— 896 00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:34,408 Do you have any particular method that you'd recommend? 897 00:57:34,493 --> 00:57:37,703 I don't know. I think my colleagues and I could come up with something, 898 00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:40,790 uh, to relinquish the vital forces oftheir- 899 00:57:40,916 --> 00:57:42,834 Black capsule. Black capsule. 900 00:57:42,918 --> 00:57:45,044 - Oh, but of course. - [ Murrhardt ] Yeah, that's neat. 901 00:57:45,129 --> 00:57:47,839 What's a black capsule? Do you have any ofthem? Does it work? 902 00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:51,551 It worked for Hitler and Eva Braun. It's simple, and it's effective. 903 00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:53,594 Uh, Hawkeye, I really must— 904 00:57:53,679 --> 00:57:56,597 I should, uh, check with the military vicar's office. 905 00:57:56,682 --> 00:58:00,935 You see, I cannot give absolution to a man who is about to commit suicide. 906 00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,147 It's a mortal sin. Look, Dago, he is not committing suicide. 907 00:58:04,231 --> 00:58:07,233 He is only intending to commit suicide, so you're not dealing with an act. 908 00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:09,235 You're dealing with an intention. 909 00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:12,321 And if it works- Ifwhat we're doing works, then he will not commit suicide. 910 00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:14,657 So, therefore, you are preventing a mortal sin, okay? 911 00:58:14,783 --> 00:58:16,659 [ Men Chattering ] Well, I, uh— I should check. 912 00:58:16,785 --> 00:58:19,996 Well, you check on it. Well, there's— 913 00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:24,542 [ Chattering ] ♪♪ [ Violin Playing "Taps" ] 914 00:58:59,203 --> 00:59:01,621 [ Chattering Continues ] 915 00:59:03,332 --> 00:59:06,083 [ Tapping Glass ] [ Duke ] All right, where you at? 916 00:59:06,168 --> 00:59:08,294 Here you go. 917 00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:10,588 Now then, y'all come here... 918 00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,717 to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here. 919 00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,178 [ Trapper ] Farewell, Walt. Dear ol' Walt. 920 00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:22,892 You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. 921 00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:26,687 I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown— 922 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,691 Say it again. to do a little recon work for us all, huh? 923 00:59:30,776 --> 00:59:33,027 I just— I just wanna say one thing. 924 00:59:33,111 --> 00:59:35,613 Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. 925 00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,990 He volunteered for certain death. 926 00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:41,202 That's true. That's what we award our highest medals for. 927 00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,747 That's beautiful. That's what being a soldier is all about. 928 00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,458 [ Trapper ] Oh, yeah. Hear, hear! 929 00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:50,836 Gentlemen, I think there's only one person... 930 00:59:50,921 --> 00:59:54,131 who has anything to add to that, and that's Dago Red. 931 00:59:54,216 --> 00:59:57,802 Padre. Let's hear it for the padre. 932 00:59:57,886 --> 00:59:59,845 [ Clears Throat ] 933 01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:06,852 Walt, here's- here's your black capsule. 934 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,106 Oh. 935 01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:13,276 Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it? 936 01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,778 I think I better go lie down over there. 937 01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:20,116 Uh, Walt, that'll help you. ♪♪ [ Guitar ] 938 01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:21,409 Mmm. Thanks. 939 01:00:22,703 --> 01:00:28,708 ♪ Through early morning fog I see ♪ 940 01:00:28,792 --> 01:00:33,963 ♪ Visions ofthe things to be ♪ 941 01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:39,593 ♪ The pains that are withheld for me ♪ 942 01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,638 ♪ I realize ♪ 943 01:00:42,723 --> 01:00:48,519 ♪ And I can see ♪ 944 01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:53,482 ♪ That suicide is painless ♪ 945 01:00:53,567 --> 01:00:58,112 ♪ It brings on many changes ♪ 946 01:00:58,196 --> 01:01:02,158 ♪ And I can take or leave it ♪ 947 01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:07,246 ♪ If I please ♪ 948 01:01:07,331 --> 01:01:11,751 ♪ The game of life is hard to play ♪ 949 01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:15,921 ♪ I'm going to lose it anyway ♪ 950 01:01:16,006 --> 01:01:20,343 ♪ The losing card I'll someday lay ♪ 951 01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:26,849 ♪ So this is all I have to say ♪ 952 01:01:26,975 --> 01:01:31,228 ♪ That suicide is painless ♪ Wherever you're going, Painless, good luck. 953 01:01:31,313 --> 01:01:33,105 ♪ It brings on ♪ [ Indistinct ] 954 01:01:33,190 --> 01:01:35,566 ♪ Many changes ♪ 955 01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:38,736 ♪ And I can take ♪ 956 01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:41,113 ♪ Or leave it if I ♪ I'll always remember you just like this. 957 01:01:41,198 --> 01:01:44,367 ♪ Please ♪ 958 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:48,162 ♪ The only way to win is cheat ♪ 959 01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:52,458 ♪ And lay it down before I'm beat ♪ 960 01:01:52,584 --> 01:01:54,835 Mm-hmm. ♪ And to another ♪ 961 01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:57,004 ♪ Give my seat ♪ 962 01:01:57,130 --> 01:01:59,298 [ Whistles, Clicks Tongue ] ♪ For that's the only ♪ 963 01:01:59,383 --> 01:02:03,177 ♪ Painless feat ♪ Painless. 964 01:02:04,304 --> 01:02:08,265 ♪ And suicide is painless ♪ 965 01:02:08,392 --> 01:02:11,227 ♪ It brings on many ♪ It was a really nice evening. Thanks for asking me. 966 01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:12,478 ♪ Changes ♪ 967 01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:14,605 ♪ And I can take ♪ 968 01:02:14,731 --> 01:02:17,733 ♪ Or leave it if I please ♪ The thing is— 969 01:02:17,818 --> 01:02:20,653 throwing your whole education away. 970 01:02:22,906 --> 01:02:25,574 ♪ And you ♪ Good-bye, Jawbreaker. 971 01:02:25,659 --> 01:02:27,785 ♪ Can do ♪ 972 01:02:27,869 --> 01:02:31,372 ♪ The same thing ♪ 973 01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,875 ♪ Ifyou ♪ 974 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:42,716 ♪ Please ♪♪ 975 01:02:59,734 --> 01:03:01,861 Hi, baby. 976 01:03:01,945 --> 01:03:05,114 Hi. I'm glad you could come. 977 01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:07,783 Sorry it was so late. That's okay. 978 01:03:07,868 --> 01:03:10,619 I really couldn't sleep anyway. I was so nervous. 979 01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,963 You leaving tomorrow? 980 01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:25,676 [ Sighs ] Mmm, yeah, I'll be on my way in less than 1 2 hours. 981 01:03:27,387 --> 01:03:31,056 I suppose who it's going to be really roughest on, though, is your husband. 982 01:03:33,393 --> 01:03:37,646 Why are you all of a sudden so concerned with him? 983 01:03:37,731 --> 01:03:40,232 I mean, a man would be more considerate to his wife. 984 01:03:40,317 --> 01:03:42,318 He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck. 985 01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:45,946 You're just gonna have to stop using logic. 986 01:03:46,072 --> 01:03:48,324 It could be a purely impersonal thing. You're just proving... 987 01:03:48,408 --> 01:03:51,452 why I shouldn't go to bed with you. 988 01:03:51,536 --> 01:03:53,746 I didn't mean me. 989 01:03:56,833 --> 01:04:00,044 [ Hawkeye ] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions... 990 01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:03,214 to chief executives of states or nations. 991 01:04:03,298 --> 01:04:07,510 You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life... 992 01:04:07,594 --> 01:04:09,845 by a tender act of mercy. 993 01:04:09,930 --> 01:04:12,348 What is this? 994 01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:15,309 Hawkeye, is he dead? 995 01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:20,105 No, no, he's not dead. Not yet. 996 01:04:21,358 --> 01:04:23,526 Painless has a grave psychological problem, 997 01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:25,778 and you are the only person who can help him. 998 01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:29,532 Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on. 999 01:04:29,616 --> 01:04:32,201 [ Hawkeye ] No, Maria, no. You've gotta look on this as a nurse. 1000 01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:35,079 Painless needs it for therapeutic value. 1001 01:04:35,163 --> 01:04:38,123 It will help him, and it certainly wouldn't do you any harm either... 1002 01:04:38,208 --> 01:04:40,125 to think about it for a bit. 1003 01:04:40,210 --> 01:04:43,462 Ifyou think that your virtue is more important than Painless's life, that's fine. 1004 01:04:43,547 --> 01:04:46,549 That's entirely up to you. I just want you to stay here... 1005 01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:49,134 and be with him for a minute. 1006 01:04:49,219 --> 01:04:54,390 Just look at him. Just... stay close to the— 1007 01:04:54,474 --> 01:04:57,059 Oh, Hawkeye. the whole man... 1008 01:04:57,143 --> 01:04:58,644 and look at him. 1009 01:05:02,816 --> 01:05:06,193 [ Curtains Rustle ] Hawkeye. 1010 01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,739 Oh, this is ridiculous. 1011 01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:14,493 ♪♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ] 1012 01:05:19,833 --> 01:05:36,599 ♪♪ [ Swells ] 1013 01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:49,278 You forgot your hat. 1014 01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:51,614 You wouldn't want to leave without a souvenir. 1015 01:05:51,698 --> 01:05:53,616 Have a good trip. 1016 01:05:55,201 --> 01:05:57,870 Lieutenant Schneider, you forgot to pick up your traveling orders. 1017 01:05:57,954 --> 01:06:01,540 Wait a second. You're supposed to pick- These are your traveling orders. 1018 01:06:07,464 --> 01:06:10,591 Morning, Painless. Oh, hi, Hawkeye. 1019 01:06:10,675 --> 01:06:12,593 How's she going? 1020 01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,553 Slept like a doll last night. 1021 01:06:14,679 --> 01:06:16,597 Mm-hmm. Well, can't waste time. Big day. 1022 01:06:16,681 --> 01:06:19,266 Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman. 1023 01:06:21,019 --> 01:06:22,936 Have a good day. 1024 01:06:26,024 --> 01:06:27,941 [ Whistles ] 1025 01:06:46,086 --> 01:06:47,961 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. 1026 01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,798 Religious services for Yom Kippur will be held this- 1027 01:06:50,924 --> 01:06:55,010 - will not- will not be held this Friday, due to mitigating circumstances. - ♪♪ [ Hawkeye Whistles ] 1028 01:06:55,095 --> 01:06:58,347 For those who wish to observe said holiday, Sunday has been reserved. 1029 01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:00,307 That is all. 1030 01:07:00,433 --> 01:07:02,935 [ Hawkeye ] Trapper, this one's for you, babe. [ Trapper ] Knife. 1031 01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:04,311 [ Man ] Okay. 1032 01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:06,939 [ Houlihan ] That man is a prisoner ofwar, Doctor. So are you, sweetheart, 1033 01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:08,899 but you don't know it. 1034 01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:12,027 [ Hawkeye ] It's in pretty deep. [ Duke ] Uh, I think that was my finger. 1035 01:07:12,112 --> 01:07:15,906 Yeah, I'm gonna need your help, Hawkeye. It's hit more than a lung. 1036 01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:19,034 What do you think? I don't know. 1037 01:07:19,119 --> 01:07:20,786 Hey, Radar? Yes, sir. 1038 01:07:20,870 --> 01:07:24,039 Radar, has that A-negative come in from Seoul yet? I need some right away. 1039 01:07:24,124 --> 01:07:26,041 We keep ordering it, but it never arrives. 1040 01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:28,502 How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly? Good. 1041 01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:31,755 He's ready. [ Man ] Let's have some irrigation, please. 1042 01:07:31,840 --> 01:07:33,799 That's pretty good. Yeah. 1043 01:07:33,883 --> 01:07:35,801 [ Duke ] All right, give me some gel foam. 1044 01:07:36,886 --> 01:07:39,304 Not now, honey. Go back to sleep. 1045 01:07:47,981 --> 01:07:50,190 [ Trapper ] Scissors. 1046 01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:52,693 [ Hawkeye ] Sponge. [ Houlihan ] More sponges. 1047 01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:54,820 [ Man ] Let's have the suction up here, please. Thank you. 1048 01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,822 Rib spreader. 1049 01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:58,073 Clamp. 1050 01:07:58,158 --> 01:08:01,910 Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic. 1051 01:08:01,995 --> 01:08:03,620 [ UglyJohn ] There's a lot of blood. Sponge. 1052 01:08:03,747 --> 01:08:05,706 [ Duke ] Go ahead. Scissors. Watch it. 1053 01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:08,375 [ Duke ] Give me something to stuff it in with. Clamp. 1054 01:08:08,501 --> 01:08:10,377 [ Man ] Pickups for me. How's he tolerating this, UglyJohn? 1055 01:08:10,503 --> 01:08:12,588 Good. He's young. Things get slippery in there, man. 1056 01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:14,840 Ouch! You're a backhanded guy. 1057 01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,050 Let me have the forceps and a sponge stick. 1058 01:08:17,135 --> 01:08:20,512 Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass, but you're a damn good nurse. 1059 01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:22,598 Thanks, Trapper. 1060 01:08:22,682 --> 01:08:24,600 Put enough blood in him, will you, John? 1061 01:08:24,684 --> 01:08:27,936 There's a clot in the cava above the atrium. That must be the point of entry. 1062 01:08:28,021 --> 01:08:29,938 Clamp. 1063 01:08:31,608 --> 01:08:37,488 I— I feel a fragment right underneath the clot. You control the cava. 1064 01:08:37,614 --> 01:08:40,449 [ Murrhardt ] We gotta stop that spurting. Clamp. 1065 01:08:40,533 --> 01:08:42,868 [ Duke ] Do what? [ Murrhardt ] Stop the spurting. 1066 01:08:42,994 --> 01:08:45,454 [ Duke ] That's a very good technical term, Doctor. This is yours. 1067 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:50,042 Oh, Christ, it's not in the cava. It's in the pulmonary artery on the left side. 1068 01:08:50,126 --> 01:08:53,170 Then we close him up and sit on him for a couple days until we get the blood. 1069 01:08:53,296 --> 01:08:56,256 We can't sit on him. What ifwe getjammed? We don't have the blood. 1070 01:08:56,382 --> 01:08:59,259 [ Both Talking At Once ] Ifyou cut again, you'll lose him. 1071 01:08:59,344 --> 01:09:03,430 Look, Hawkeye, the artery can erode. 1072 01:09:03,515 --> 01:09:06,016 Now's the time to take our shot. We gotta shoot crap. 1073 01:09:06,100 --> 01:09:08,060 A-negative. It's been cross-matched. 1074 01:09:08,186 --> 01:09:10,479 You said you didn't have any blood. I found a donor. 1075 01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:12,940 [ UglyJohn ] You know, up close, all crumpled up like that, 1076 01:09:13,024 --> 01:09:15,567 they don't look like much, you know. 1077 01:09:15,652 --> 01:09:17,778 [ Bandini ] Hey, was he loaded or empty when he crashed? 1078 01:09:17,862 --> 01:09:20,823 [ Murrhardt ] No, he was loaded. But it didn't matter much. 1079 01:09:20,907 --> 01:09:24,201 See, the, uh— the two guys he was carrying were dead already. 1080 01:09:24,285 --> 01:09:26,161 What about the pilot? What happened to him? 1081 01:09:26,246 --> 01:09:28,413 The pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap. 1082 01:09:28,498 --> 01:09:30,791 He lost function in his right hand, but he's great. 1083 01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:34,253 I— I didn't hear. What color was her hair? 1084 01:09:34,379 --> 01:09:37,047 Black, shiny. Shiny black hair. [ Barking ] 1085 01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:39,550 Black. You like black. 1086 01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:42,386 I-I'm kind of partial to blonde myself. 1087 01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:46,181 I knew it. I knew you had a— had an attraction... 1088 01:09:46,307 --> 01:09:48,475 for Hot Lips Houlihan. Hear, hear! 1089 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:52,521 Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 1090 01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,524 Besides, she's- I'll bet she's not a real blonde. 1091 01:09:55,608 --> 01:10:00,112 How dare you say that about an officer ofthe United States Army, sir! 1092 01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:04,825 I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that? 1093 01:10:04,909 --> 01:10:07,786 You have yourself a bet, sir. You're my witness. 1094 01:10:07,871 --> 01:10:10,789 I'll be a witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out? 1095 01:10:10,874 --> 01:10:15,377 Well, uh, I-I could, if no one else want— I— 1096 01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,546 No, no, we— 1097 01:10:17,630 --> 01:10:21,884 We gotta all see it together somehow. 1098 01:10:21,968 --> 01:10:23,927 [ Ice Rattling ] 1099 01:10:30,602 --> 01:10:33,478 ♪♪ [ Humming ] 1100 01:10:34,689 --> 01:10:37,774 You know, it's five minutes after the time the nurses usually take their shower. 1101 01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:41,445 Where are they? They will be here. 1102 01:10:41,529 --> 01:10:44,573 Finest kind, Ho-Jon. 1103 01:10:44,657 --> 01:10:46,533 What's happening? Radar. 1104 01:10:46,659 --> 01:10:48,577 Did you bring us the papers? What? 1105 01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:50,537 You don't know about the papers? What papers? 1106 01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:53,040 The colonel left some papers. They're very important. Why didn't you tell me? 1107 01:10:53,124 --> 01:10:55,042 I tried to tell you. 1108 01:10:56,044 --> 01:11:00,088 Uh, uh, here you go. Here you go. They're coming. 1109 01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:09,222 [ Chattering ] 1110 01:11:09,307 --> 01:11:11,683 Evelyn, could you give me a hand? Sure. 1111 01:11:11,768 --> 01:11:15,187 Hey, uh, Frankie, could you take a look at my corns, please? 1112 01:11:16,606 --> 01:11:18,649 [ Hawkeye ] Knocko, the pictures of my kids have come. 1113 01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:22,235 Pictures of my kids have come. Hot Lips, would you like to see the pictures of my kids? 1114 01:11:22,362 --> 01:11:24,947 I'm not the slightest bit interested. Hey, Scorch? 1115 01:11:25,031 --> 01:11:26,531 All right. 1116 01:11:36,626 --> 01:11:38,543 [ Dog Barking ] 1117 01:11:49,389 --> 01:11:51,348 [ Water Running ] 1118 01:12:06,990 --> 01:12:10,701 ♪♪ [ Houlihan Singing, Indistinct ] 1119 01:12:10,785 --> 01:12:14,079 Oh! ♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ] 1120 01:12:17,500 --> 01:12:22,254 Fight! Fight! Fight! ♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ] 1121 01:12:25,383 --> 01:12:27,300 [ Houlihan Laughing ] 1122 01:12:27,385 --> 01:12:31,138 ♪♪ [ Guitar ] ♪♪ [ Drumroll On Barrel ] 1123 01:12:31,222 --> 01:12:32,180 [ Dog Barking ] 1124 01:12:32,265 --> 01:12:36,101 [ Screaming ] 1125 01:12:36,185 --> 01:12:39,312 Bravo! [ All Hollering, Whistling ] 1126 01:12:39,397 --> 01:12:42,858 You finks! You finks! 1127 01:12:42,942 --> 01:12:45,235 Bravo! Bravo! 1128 01:12:45,319 --> 01:12:49,781 What a performance! Bravo! Author! [ Indistinct Yelling ] 1129 01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:53,869 Bravo! What a performance! 1130 01:12:53,953 --> 01:12:56,830 Bravo! Author! Author! 1131 01:12:56,956 --> 01:13:01,334 Twenty bucks, huh? You win the bet. 1132 01:13:01,419 --> 01:13:03,837 You bastards! 1133 01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:08,383 Keep my stuff! 1134 01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:14,806 [ Breathing Heavily ] 1135 01:13:14,932 --> 01:13:16,892 Major, what went on over there? Where's Colonel Blake? 1136 01:13:16,976 --> 01:13:18,894 Wait a second. You can't go and see Colonel Blake. 1137 01:13:18,978 --> 01:13:21,146 You shut up, you twerp! 1138 01:13:24,442 --> 01:13:26,359 [ Grunts ] 1139 01:13:27,820 --> 01:13:31,490 This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum! 1140 01:13:31,574 --> 01:13:36,161 And it's your fault because you don't do anything to discourage them! 1141 01:13:36,287 --> 01:13:39,873 What do you want me to do? Put them under arrest. 1142 01:13:39,957 --> 01:13:44,836 See what a court-martial thinks oftheir drunken hooliganism! 1143 01:13:44,921 --> 01:13:49,633 First they called me Hot Lips, and you let them get away with it! 1144 01:13:49,717 --> 01:13:53,845 And then you let them get away with everything! 1145 01:13:53,930 --> 01:13:56,765 If-Ifyou don't... 1146 01:13:56,849 --> 01:14:00,769 turn them over to the M.P.'s this minute, 1147 01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:05,440 I-I'm going to resign my commission! 1148 01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:09,736 Goddamn it, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn commission. 1149 01:14:09,821 --> 01:14:13,865 [ Whimpering ] 1150 01:14:13,950 --> 01:14:22,457 My commission! 1151 01:14:22,542 --> 01:14:24,584 Little more wine, my dear? 1152 01:14:24,669 --> 01:14:26,586 Yes, please. 1153 01:14:29,632 --> 01:14:32,134 [ Speaking Korean ] Is that right? Sure? 1154 01:14:32,218 --> 01:14:34,469 [ Speaking Korean ] [ Chattering ] 1155 01:14:34,554 --> 01:14:36,471 [ Scorch ] You have to get your mother her present first. 1156 01:14:36,597 --> 01:14:39,724 You know what I wanna get her? They have these— [ Speaking Korean ] 1157 01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:42,477 [ Boone Continues, Indistinct ] 1158 01:14:42,562 --> 01:14:44,271 Come on. You all right? 1159 01:14:44,397 --> 01:14:46,857 Let him get what he wants. We'll go to the movie. Keep it straight, eh? 1160 01:14:46,941 --> 01:14:48,817 [ Scorch ] First of all, the present. Then dinner, then the movie. 1161 01:14:48,943 --> 01:14:51,111 You mean all three of us? Who is this? 1162 01:14:51,237 --> 01:14:54,322 Where I go, Warren goes. You don't want me to go with you? 1163 01:14:54,407 --> 01:14:56,324 Boone. 1164 01:14:56,409 --> 01:14:59,119 [ Murrhardt ] It's not that. I— [ Whispering ] 1165 01:14:59,203 --> 01:15:01,955 [ Scorch ] Oh, yes, I do! 1166 01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:05,625 He's Syngman Rhee's son, and he goes right in. 1167 01:15:07,044 --> 01:15:09,921 [ Chattering In Korean ] [ Scorch ] Come on, Bandini! 1168 01:15:10,006 --> 01:15:12,465 [ Bandini ] Wilma— [ Arguing Continues ] 1169 01:15:12,550 --> 01:15:15,051 [ Hawkeye Whistling, Shouting In Korean ] 1170 01:15:15,136 --> 01:15:17,053 [ Continues In Korean ] 1171 01:15:17,138 --> 01:15:19,139 [ Woman ] Hey, soldier! 1172 01:15:21,142 --> 01:15:23,226 Me? Yeah, you. 1173 01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:26,730 Where you from? A MASH outfit on the front line. 1174 01:15:26,814 --> 01:15:30,734 - No, I mean your hometown. - Uh, on the East Coast. 1175 01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:33,278 Have you been wounded yet? 1176 01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:38,575 Uh, yeah, a little. A slight, uh— 1177 01:15:38,659 --> 01:15:40,535 Would you like to say hello to your mother? 1178 01:15:40,620 --> 01:15:43,246 Uh, my mother's dead, actually. She's deceased. 1179 01:15:43,331 --> 01:15:45,832 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. 1180 01:15:45,917 --> 01:15:47,876 I'd like to say hello to my father if I could. 1181 01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,920 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, fine. 1182 01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:54,341 Hi, Dad. 1183 01:15:54,425 --> 01:15:56,343 [ Speaks Korean ] 1184 01:16:10,608 --> 01:16:14,194 [ Chattering ] 1185 01:16:14,278 --> 01:16:17,739 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1186 01:16:18,908 --> 01:16:20,575 Excuse me. Hi. 1187 01:16:20,660 --> 01:16:23,745 I am making an examination ofthis young man, 1188 01:16:23,829 --> 01:16:26,915 uh, to find out if he would be a soldier in our army. 1189 01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:29,876 Oh, yeah, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon. How's she going, boy? 1190 01:16:29,961 --> 01:16:33,088 His heartbeat is much too fast, 1191 01:16:33,172 --> 01:16:36,841 and his, uh, blood pressure is dangerously high. 1192 01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:40,178 Oh, yeah? Ooh. 1193 01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:42,889 I guess you probably think he's unfit for the army, eh? 1194 01:16:42,974 --> 01:16:45,850 Yes, at first. But when I saw on his paper... 1195 01:16:45,935 --> 01:16:49,896 he worked in an American hospital where there are many drugs, 1196 01:16:49,981 --> 01:16:52,357 and he could have taken some by mistake. 1197 01:16:52,483 --> 01:16:55,735 What would he do a thing like that for? Who knows? 1198 01:16:55,820 --> 01:16:59,114 To find the truth, I will keep him here with me for a couple days. 1199 01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:02,534 By tomorrow, his fast heart and high blood pressure may be gone. 1200 01:17:02,660 --> 01:17:05,954 Look- So-So I suggest you say good-bye to him now. 1201 01:17:06,038 --> 01:17:08,623 Doctor, I will level— Nice try. It was a nice try. 1202 01:17:08,708 --> 01:17:11,960 Come on, Ho-Jon. Babe, hey— 1203 01:17:14,714 --> 01:17:17,424 Oh, man! 1204 01:17:17,508 --> 01:17:19,718 [ Man On P.A. ] The following program is brought to you... 1205 01:17:19,802 --> 01:17:23,096 through Radio Tokyo by courtesy of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, 1206 01:17:23,180 --> 01:17:26,850 post number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri. 1207 01:17:26,934 --> 01:17:30,562 A federal court ruled that E.I. du Pont de Nemours and Company, 1208 01:17:30,646 --> 01:17:32,772 Remington Arms Company, Incorporated... 1209 01:17:32,857 --> 01:17:35,984 and the Imperial Chemical Industries Limited of Great Britain... 1210 01:17:36,068 --> 01:17:41,323 have conspired to divide munitions and chemical markets- [ Fades ] 1211 01:17:41,407 --> 01:17:43,366 Fore! 1212 01:17:46,662 --> 01:17:51,750 [ Hawkeye Yells, Indistinct ] 1213 01:18:01,927 --> 01:18:03,803 [ Dogs Barking ] 1214 01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:06,431 [ Woman ] Hey! [ Hawkeye ] Idiot! 1215 01:18:06,515 --> 01:18:10,518 Idiot! He knocked me down the hill. He broke my umbrella. 1216 01:18:12,772 --> 01:18:16,608 Wish they wouldn't land these things here when we're playing golf. 1217 01:18:19,528 --> 01:18:21,071 That's him on the right. Fore! 1218 01:18:21,197 --> 01:18:23,531 Whoa! Wait! Wait! That's Captain Mc— 1219 01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:26,159 The lieutenant's come all the way from Seoul, sir, just to see you. 1220 01:18:26,285 --> 01:18:28,953 You're Captain McIntyre? Yes, I'm Captain McIn— 1221 01:18:29,038 --> 01:18:31,539 Lieutenant, you look terrible. Look at— 1222 01:18:31,624 --> 01:18:33,958 Captain, look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue. 1223 01:18:34,043 --> 01:18:37,712 Oh, no, no. Here, take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts. 1224 01:18:37,797 --> 01:18:41,383 I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school. Oh, my goodness. 1225 01:18:41,467 --> 01:18:44,552 Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare the major surgery. 1226 01:18:44,637 --> 01:18:47,389 This is one case in five. I think I can save you, Lieutenant. 1227 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:50,100 You're to proceed to Kokura, Japan immediately. 1228 01:18:50,184 --> 01:18:52,394 Kokura, Japan? What's this all about? 1229 01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:56,606 Yeah, his dad's a congressman. Grenade went off in practice. There's a piece in his heart. 1230 01:18:56,732 --> 01:18:59,359 What? GI's dad's a congressman. 1231 01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:01,945 Grenade went off in practice. There's a piece in his heart. 1232 01:19:02,071 --> 01:19:04,864 Is that the X-rays? Yeah. 1233 01:19:04,949 --> 01:19:09,119 Apparently some big heart surgeon in Boston told the congressman... 1234 01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:14,749 the only man to take care of his son is Captain John McIntyre. 1235 01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:19,587 Of course, I suppose there could be two Captain John McIntyres. 1236 01:19:19,672 --> 01:19:21,840 No, no, I'm the onlyJohn McIntyre. 1237 01:19:21,924 --> 01:19:24,843 Look, Hammond says I can take along someone to assist me if I need him. 1238 01:19:24,969 --> 01:19:27,637 You wanna come? Yeah. 1239 01:19:27,721 --> 01:19:29,431 Lieutenant, I think I can save you. 1240 01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,766 Look, take one of these every half hour. 1241 01:19:31,851 --> 01:19:34,727 Now get into your helicopter and button up your shirt, for crying out loud. 1242 01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:37,230 You're in a military army! 1243 01:19:37,356 --> 01:19:40,233 That piece isn't even close to his heart. I know. I know. 1244 01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:43,736 It's nothing, but how many times do you get to go to Japan with your golf clubs? 1245 01:19:43,863 --> 01:19:45,488 Come on, Shirley. [ Chuckling ] 1246 01:20:03,174 --> 01:20:05,884 [ Hawkeye And Trapper Imitating Japanese ] 1247 01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,563 Goddamn army. 1248 01:20:18,647 --> 01:20:22,400 [ Imitating Japanese ] 1249 01:20:24,028 --> 01:20:28,531 [Japanese Continues ] 1250 01:20:28,657 --> 01:20:31,534 Goddamn army. [Japanese Continues ] 1251 01:20:36,916 --> 01:20:40,585 [ Engine Sputters ] Goddamn armyjeep! 1252 01:20:44,798 --> 01:20:48,134 Excuse me, soldier. I wonder ifyou could tell me where the congressman's son is. 1253 01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:50,553 He's in ward six. Darling, would you register for us? 1254 01:20:50,638 --> 01:20:55,183 Just a moment. You can't go in there. Who are you? 1255 01:20:55,267 --> 01:20:58,811 Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this is my favorite caddy. 1256 01:20:58,896 --> 01:21:00,813 You can't go in till I call Captain Peterson. 1257 01:21:00,898 --> 01:21:03,775 Wait a second. If this soldier wants to enforce her own orders, 1258 01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:05,735 I'm gonna take her on single-handedly. You can't go in. 1259 01:21:05,819 --> 01:21:07,695 [ All Yelling At Once ] 1260 01:21:07,821 --> 01:21:11,241 You open this! He's won two Purple Hearts. 1261 01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:14,536 - I'm gonna ravage your body, lady! - You stay away from me. I'll call the police. 1262 01:21:14,662 --> 01:21:17,497 I have not seen such a pretty lady! You can't come in here! Who are you? 1263 01:21:17,581 --> 01:21:19,541 I'm gonna call Captain Peterson. You stay away from me! 1264 01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:22,669 - And I'm gonna swallow it and chew it! - [ Screams ] 1265 01:21:22,753 --> 01:21:24,504 Oh! Oh! 1266 01:21:25,673 --> 01:21:28,967 - Captain Peterson, please. - Captain Peterson! 1267 01:21:29,051 --> 01:21:31,302 [ Mutters ] [ Patient Groaning ] 1268 01:21:33,722 --> 01:21:35,890 What are you two hoodlums doing in this hospital? 1269 01:21:35,975 --> 01:21:38,142 Ma'am, we are surgeons, and we are here to operate. 1270 01:21:38,227 --> 01:21:40,144 We're just waiting for a starting time, that's all. 1271 01:21:40,229 --> 01:21:42,814 You can't even go near a patient until Colonel Merrill says it's okay. 1272 01:21:42,940 --> 01:21:46,109 And he's still out to lunch. Look, Mother, I want to go to work in one hour. 1273 01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,529 We are the pros from Dover, and we figure to crack this kid's chest... 1274 01:21:49,613 --> 01:21:51,614 and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. 1275 01:21:51,699 --> 01:21:54,951 So you go find the gas passer, and you have him premedicate this patient. 1276 01:21:55,035 --> 01:21:58,955 Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. 1277 01:21:59,039 --> 01:22:01,624 Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. 1278 01:22:01,709 --> 01:22:04,586 Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better. 1279 01:22:04,670 --> 01:22:08,506 Then give me at least one nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way. 1280 01:22:08,591 --> 01:22:10,258 [ Gasps ] 1281 01:22:10,342 --> 01:22:12,302 Oh! You fool! 1282 01:22:14,179 --> 01:22:16,139 How do you want your steak cooked? 1283 01:22:22,021 --> 01:22:23,521 Towel. 1284 01:22:28,527 --> 01:22:30,820 Say the magic word, you make a hundred dollars. 1285 01:22:35,701 --> 01:22:38,953 All right, I demand an explanation. 1286 01:22:39,038 --> 01:22:41,497 [ Hawkeye ] Somebody get that dirty old man out ofthis operating theater. 1287 01:22:41,582 --> 01:22:44,959 Dirty old man? I'm Colonel Merrill. 1288 01:22:45,044 --> 01:22:48,671 [ Hawkeye ] I don't care ifyou're Jack Armstrong, the all-American boy. 1289 01:22:48,756 --> 01:22:52,717 If his chest gets infected, I will tell the congressman who did it. 1290 01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:56,054 Scissors, please. [ Trapper ] Here, let me have a skin "sutch." 1291 01:22:56,138 --> 01:22:58,056 Low pickups. 1292 01:22:58,140 --> 01:22:59,849 Who was that? 1293 01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,478 That's Colonel Merrill. This is his little store here. 1294 01:23:03,562 --> 01:23:07,023 Oh, yeah? Who are you? 1295 01:23:07,107 --> 01:23:09,859 I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde. 1296 01:23:09,943 --> 01:23:12,362 [ Grunting ] 1297 01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:17,367 Listen, why don't you save your rapier-like wit for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye. 1298 01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:21,913 Hmm. Approximator. 1299 01:23:21,997 --> 01:23:27,001 [ Hawkeye ] Did I ever tell you about my friend Me Lay Marston? 1300 01:23:27,086 --> 01:23:29,671 Oh, yeah, yeah, that friend ofyours who would go around saying... 1301 01:23:29,755 --> 01:23:31,422 "Me Lay, you lay," to all the girls. 1302 01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:36,010 And, what, he'd score once out of 50 times, huh? Yeah, you told me about him. 1303 01:23:36,095 --> 01:23:38,763 He's passing gas for the congressman's son here. 1304 01:23:38,847 --> 01:23:41,808 Oh, really? When he's not passing gas, does he play golf? 1305 01:23:41,892 --> 01:23:44,686 I don't know. Do you play golf? 1306 01:23:44,770 --> 01:23:46,688 No. I have no time for golf. 1307 01:23:46,772 --> 01:23:50,775 I'm moonlighting down at Dr. Yamachi's New Era Hospital and Whorehouse. 1308 01:23:50,859 --> 01:23:53,111 This old guy that I met when I first came over here- 1309 01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,862 He's got a little crude hospital for kids, 1310 01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:58,199 and he finances it with a whorehouse, all in the same building. 1311 01:23:58,283 --> 01:24:02,203 It's the N.E.H.W.H. Come on down, and we'll get something going for you. 1312 01:24:02,287 --> 01:24:04,205 I've got an in in Kokura. 1313 01:24:04,289 --> 01:24:06,499 Here, soldier, take these. 1314 01:24:06,583 --> 01:24:08,584 Take our golf carts. Be careful. Don't drop any of those things... 1315 01:24:08,711 --> 01:24:11,003 'cause we're gonna play golf with 'em. It's important. Bye, pimp. 1316 01:24:12,631 --> 01:24:14,048 Ladies. Girls. 1317 01:24:14,133 --> 01:24:17,301 Gentlemen. Be careful ofthat— 1318 01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:19,887 Military police. [ Howls ] 1319 01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:41,033 All right, fellas. The game's over. 1320 01:24:42,369 --> 01:24:44,287 Finally caught up with us, huh? 1321 01:24:44,371 --> 01:24:45,955 [ Exhales ] 1322 01:24:46,081 --> 01:24:48,916 [ Sighs ] Where did we fail? 1323 01:24:49,001 --> 01:24:51,085 I don't know. I think it was the woman. 1324 01:24:51,170 --> 01:24:53,337 Something tells me I've seen her someplace before. 1325 01:24:54,548 --> 01:24:56,883 She was the one in Tangiers. 1326 01:24:56,967 --> 01:25:00,636 You can wait in the colonel's office. He'll be back in a few minutes. 1327 01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:08,436 Sir. 1328 01:25:12,065 --> 01:25:14,025 We don't blame you. 1329 01:25:16,820 --> 01:25:18,738 You were only doing yourjob. 1330 01:25:18,822 --> 01:25:20,948 [ Man On Radio ] United Press International... 1331 01:25:21,033 --> 01:25:24,952 today voted the Korean War the top news story... 1332 01:25:25,037 --> 01:25:27,163 of 1 95 1 . Shh! We're in the middle of putting. 1333 01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:30,082 The Allied high position in Germany- My God. 1334 01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:34,587 [ Continues, Indistinct ] All right. You men are under arrest. 1335 01:25:34,713 --> 01:25:37,799 I'll have you court-martialed. Ah, come off it, Colonel. 1336 01:25:37,883 --> 01:25:40,468 You won't have us. We have you. 1337 01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:45,807 Your boys blew this case, and we... bailed you out. 1338 01:25:45,891 --> 01:25:48,476 Now, we are going to stay here for one more day... 1339 01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:51,312 and check out the congressman's kid... 1340 01:25:51,396 --> 01:25:53,314 and— [ Groans ] 1341 01:25:53,398 --> 01:25:55,691 get in some golf for ourselves. 1342 01:25:55,776 --> 01:25:59,278 If that's okay with you, then we got a deal. 1343 01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:02,114 And if it isn't, then we can always call Washington... 1344 01:26:02,199 --> 01:26:04,867 and you tell them your story, and we'll tell them ours. 1345 01:26:04,993 --> 01:26:07,620 It's simple as that. In the meantime, we are going to be... 1346 01:26:07,704 --> 01:26:10,998 at the pro shop, where we are going to have a shower and a shave. 1347 01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:15,461 Ifyou want to get in touch with us, that is where we will be. [ Pops Lips ] 1348 01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:19,507 [ Snickering ] 1349 01:26:19,633 --> 01:26:22,051 [ Woman Speaking Japanese ] [ Whispering ] Is that a client? 1350 01:26:22,135 --> 01:26:26,889 [ Woman ] Is it— Is it— Oh, no. [ Laughs ] 1351 01:26:27,015 --> 01:26:29,767 [ Speaks Japanese ] [ Chattering ] 1352 01:26:29,852 --> 01:26:31,894 [ Indistinct ] 1353 01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:34,313 I've got sinuses too. Put some ofthat in that one. 1354 01:26:34,398 --> 01:26:36,357 Put it on a plate. How about sake? 1355 01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:37,900 Oh, yeah, yeah. Separate. 1356 01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:40,778 [ Knocks ] Excuse me. 1357 01:26:42,281 --> 01:26:44,407 [ Trapper ] What is that? That really looks good. 1358 01:26:44,491 --> 01:26:49,537 [ Speaking Japanese ] [ Groans ] 1359 01:26:49,621 --> 01:26:52,331 Oh, you try only one first. 1360 01:26:52,457 --> 01:26:54,542 Good? Oh, it's terrible. 1361 01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:55,751 [ Laughs ] 1362 01:26:57,713 --> 01:26:59,589 Wasabi? Mm-hmm. 1363 01:26:59,715 --> 01:27:03,718 Uh, listen, I, uh, hate to do this to you fellas, but— Hey, man, look at that. 1364 01:27:03,802 --> 01:27:06,012 Think you could take a minute and look at a kid for me? 1365 01:27:06,138 --> 01:27:07,555 Now? [ Hawkeye ] A kid? 1366 01:27:07,639 --> 01:27:10,433 Yeah. We had a little carelessness around here, and the other day... 1367 01:27:10,517 --> 01:27:14,353 one of our girls presented us with an eight-pound American-Japanese boy. 1368 01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:17,106 [ Chattering, Laughter ] 1369 01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:21,027 Well, whatever we feed him, it either comes right back up, or he coughs and turns blue. 1370 01:27:21,153 --> 01:27:23,613 He just has a hell of a time. We don't have to see him. 1371 01:27:23,739 --> 01:27:27,158 Just call that half-assed army hospital and tell them to get Lipiodol ready for his stomach, 1372 01:27:27,242 --> 01:27:29,160 and we'll go over and take some X-rays. 1373 01:27:29,244 --> 01:27:32,079 We can't get near that place. We can't— You know, with a civilian— 1374 01:27:32,164 --> 01:27:35,291 The colonel has a thing about it, especially a native, as he likes to- 1375 01:27:35,375 --> 01:27:37,251 [ Hawkeye ] Then don't tell him any more than is necessary. 1376 01:27:37,336 --> 01:27:39,921 Tell him the pros from Dover are on their way with an emergency. 1377 01:27:40,005 --> 01:27:42,256 Tell him to get the O.R. ready, get the kid asleep, 1378 01:27:42,341 --> 01:27:45,593 and Trapper and I will fix his tracheo-esophageal fistula. 1379 01:27:45,677 --> 01:27:47,970 [ Whistles ] 1380 01:27:48,055 --> 01:27:50,806 Okay, Me Lay, put him down in here. 1381 01:27:50,891 --> 01:27:53,351 Get him asleep as quick as you can, will you? 1382 01:27:53,435 --> 01:27:54,977 [ Nurse ] Where did this baby come from? 1383 01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:57,355 Watch him, all right? Is this what you got us up for? 1384 01:27:57,439 --> 01:27:59,857 [ Hawkeye ] Yeah, that's what we got you up for. We stumbled on him. 1385 01:27:59,942 --> 01:28:02,401 We don't want him, but we don't feel we can back away from him. 1386 01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:05,279 All right, this time I will not be intimidated. 1387 01:28:05,364 --> 01:28:09,241 I command that this illegal and improper use of army facilities cease immediately. 1388 01:28:09,368 --> 01:28:12,703 On this point, I stand as firm as the Rock of Gibraltar. Me Lay. 1389 01:28:12,829 --> 01:28:14,372 [ Gas Hissing ] And, furthermore— You can't do- 1390 01:28:14,456 --> 01:28:18,292 What the Sam Hill are you— [ Muffled Yelling ] 1391 01:28:21,129 --> 01:28:23,381 - [ Hawkeye ] Wow. - [ Trapper ] This one is for West Point. 1392 01:28:23,465 --> 01:28:27,218 - What the Sam Hill is going on here? - That's what they all say. 1393 01:28:27,344 --> 01:28:29,720 [ Trapper ] What a filthy, disgusting, despicable- [ Woman Giggling ] 1394 01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,347 [ Gasps ] 1395 01:28:31,431 --> 01:28:35,726 [ Trapper ] There's no competition to the Painless Pole, but it's pretty healthy, I think. 1396 01:28:35,811 --> 01:28:38,396 - [ Colonel Shouting ] - Oh, Colonel, we caught you with your pants down. 1397 01:28:38,480 --> 01:28:41,857 What about the men that are fighting for our country and our land? 1398 01:28:42,025 --> 01:28:44,318 [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. 1399 01:28:44,403 --> 01:28:48,656 Colonel Blake has secured for us The Halls of Montezuma. 1400 01:28:48,740 --> 01:28:52,576 So big, only the biggest of the screen can bring it to you all. 1401 01:28:52,661 --> 01:28:54,578 Technicolor. Tell it to the marines, 1402 01:28:54,663 --> 01:28:58,582 those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs, who we now love more than ever. 1403 01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:01,877 Tell them they're still the greatest guys in the world. 1404 01:29:01,962 --> 01:29:05,172 Follow Lieutenant, Punchy, Limey, Babyface, Doc, 1405 01:29:05,257 --> 01:29:07,299 the poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery... 1406 01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:11,387 through some ofthe most interesting war films yet created. 1407 01:29:11,471 --> 01:29:15,349 [ Clears Throat ] Uh, due to a possible camp infection, 1408 01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,601 Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is now off limits. 1409 01:29:17,686 --> 01:29:19,478 That is all. 1410 01:29:19,563 --> 01:29:21,355 [ Woman ] Could I have some longer needles- 1411 01:29:21,440 --> 01:29:23,983 [ Trapper ] Could I have a sponge stick? Get her lung out ofthe way. 1412 01:29:24,067 --> 01:29:26,444 [ All Chattering ] 1413 01:29:26,528 --> 01:29:28,487 [ Trapper ] Cut down on the bagging, will you? 1414 01:29:28,572 --> 01:29:30,281 Hey, Dago. Hi. 1415 01:29:30,365 --> 01:29:32,658 You have a nice time in Japan? 1416 01:29:32,784 --> 01:29:35,119 Yeah, I screwed a Kabuki dancer. [ Laughter ] 1417 01:29:35,203 --> 01:29:36,495 [ Hawkeye ] Okay? 1418 01:29:36,621 --> 01:29:38,539 You're doing— Let me have the long fingers. 1419 01:29:38,623 --> 01:29:42,209 It's okay for now. Yeah, but I can't stop this bleeding. 1420 01:29:42,335 --> 01:29:45,921 Keeping the blood in, Painless. [ Trapper ] How's the intake, Painless? 1421 01:29:46,006 --> 01:29:48,340 [ Painless ] Normal. [ Trapper ] Clamp. 1422 01:29:48,425 --> 01:29:51,093 I'm here ifyou need me, Henry. 1423 01:29:51,219 --> 01:29:53,929 I can't talk to you now, Padre. No, uh— 1424 01:29:54,014 --> 01:29:55,723 Sponge stick. Sponge stick. 1425 01:29:55,807 --> 01:30:00,770 - [ Man ] Oh, he's going to be fine. - [ Dago Red ] Oh, good. Does anybody else need help? 1426 01:30:00,854 --> 01:30:02,730 [ Man ] It's taken too long. [ Trapper ] Get a clamp. 1427 01:30:02,814 --> 01:30:03,814 Ask around. 1428 01:30:04,900 --> 01:30:08,152 [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] 1429 01:30:08,278 --> 01:30:11,238 [ Coughs ] What's he got the flaps down for? 1430 01:30:15,494 --> 01:30:18,079 Duke? Come on, Duke. Open up. 1431 01:30:18,163 --> 01:30:21,540 No, I don't want any. Hey, Duke, come on! Open up, man! 1432 01:30:21,625 --> 01:30:24,335 Who is it? [ Clattering ] 1433 01:30:28,507 --> 01:30:30,424 What the hell you doing back here? 1434 01:30:30,509 --> 01:30:32,551 Come on. We've been working for hours. Will you open up? 1435 01:30:32,636 --> 01:30:35,763 Oh, wait a minute. I'll be right with you. 1436 01:30:35,847 --> 01:30:37,807 [ Clattering ] 1437 01:30:45,315 --> 01:30:47,233 Hi, Hot Lips. You miss us? 1438 01:30:47,317 --> 01:30:49,276 [ Both ] ♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪ 1439 01:30:49,361 --> 01:30:51,112 ♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪ 1440 01:30:51,238 --> 01:30:54,406 ♪ Shame, shame on you ♪♪ I— Uh— 1441 01:30:54,491 --> 01:30:57,368 [ Chuckles ] Well— 1442 01:30:57,536 --> 01:31:01,122 [ Phone Ringing ] 1443 01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:03,499 Radar. Yes, sir. 1444 01:31:04,584 --> 01:31:08,671 Hold this, please. [ Phone Ringing ] 1445 01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:11,632 Colonel Blake. 1446 01:31:11,716 --> 01:31:14,552 Henry? Yeah, Charlie here. Yeah. 1447 01:31:14,636 --> 01:31:16,554 I've, uh, got news for you. 1448 01:31:16,638 --> 01:31:19,390 You were so concerned about the battle for Old Baldy. [ Chuckles ] 1449 01:31:19,474 --> 01:31:21,392 Well, it's all over. 1450 01:31:21,476 --> 01:31:23,769 Oh, that's great news, General. Who won? 1451 01:31:23,854 --> 01:31:26,814 Oh, by the way, I have a report here, Henry, 1452 01:31:26,898 --> 01:31:30,526 from your, uh— from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan. 1453 01:31:30,610 --> 01:31:34,905 She makes some accusations, Henry, I find pretty hard to believe. 1454 01:31:34,990 --> 01:31:37,700 Don't believe them then. Thank you, General. Good-bye. 1455 01:31:37,784 --> 01:31:39,285 Yeah. What? 1456 01:31:39,411 --> 01:31:41,662 Uh, thank you, Radar. You're welcome, sir. 1457 01:31:43,790 --> 01:31:47,293 [ Man Blowing Into Microphone ] Attention. Attention. 1458 01:31:47,377 --> 01:31:50,045 Friday night's movie willbe The Glory Brigade. 1459 01:31:50,130 --> 01:31:53,340 Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got. 1460 01:31:53,425 --> 01:31:58,596 It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers charging side by side with Greeks, Anzacs, 1461 01:31:58,680 --> 01:32:02,683 showing the world a new way to fight as they use bulldozers like bazookas, 1462 01:32:02,767 --> 01:32:05,853 bayonets like bazookas— bullets. 1463 01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:08,939 Starring Victor Mature. That is all. 1464 01:32:09,024 --> 01:32:10,941 I'll be with Colonel Blake. 1465 01:32:11,026 --> 01:32:13,986 Uh, check this place out. See what the nurses are like, huh? 1466 01:32:14,112 --> 01:32:16,780 [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] Right, Charlie. 1467 01:32:16,907 --> 01:32:19,617 4077th Mobile Army Surgical— Yeah. Yeah. 1468 01:32:19,701 --> 01:32:21,285 Sir, do you know where— 1469 01:32:21,369 --> 01:32:23,704 Yes, I know where he is. Oh, all right. 1470 01:32:23,830 --> 01:32:25,789 [ Ice Rattling ] All right. 1471 01:32:27,167 --> 01:32:29,501 Thank you. Look, Charlie, 1472 01:32:29,586 --> 01:32:34,256 you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips Houlihan can't stand her name. 1473 01:32:34,341 --> 01:32:36,926 You know, she's just a lady, though. 1474 01:32:37,010 --> 01:32:39,511 What the hell. Come on, for crying out loud. 1475 01:32:39,596 --> 01:32:42,097 She's regular army. She's a fanatic about ritual. 1476 01:32:42,182 --> 01:32:44,141 She-She won't even let us play football. 1477 01:32:44,226 --> 01:32:46,769 Football? [ Man ] Gentlemen. 1478 01:32:46,895 --> 01:32:48,562 She's all lined up, Charlie. Yeah? 1479 01:32:48,647 --> 01:32:50,981 I-I didn't know you had a football team. 1480 01:32:51,066 --> 01:32:53,692 Well, it's pretty much in the planning stages. We've, uh— 1481 01:32:53,777 --> 01:32:56,237 No, no, we have a— we have a very fine football team. 1482 01:32:56,321 --> 01:33:00,824 Yeah? Well, we had a team back with the 325th EVAC last year. 1483 01:33:00,951 --> 01:33:04,161 And what a team that was. Yeah, yeah. I-I coached the boys myself. 1484 01:33:05,830 --> 01:33:07,748 He's the finest coach in the Far East. 1485 01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:10,376 Yeah. Uh, we're now trying to work out a schedule... 1486 01:33:10,460 --> 01:33:12,795 ofthe outfits that we're going to play this year. 1487 01:33:12,879 --> 01:33:17,633 Of course, we, you know, throw a little money into a pot and make bets. 1488 01:33:17,717 --> 01:33:20,970 How much, uh— How much money do you put into your pot? 1489 01:33:21,054 --> 01:33:23,013 Oh, 5,000, 6,000. 1490 01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:24,765 [ Trapper ] $5,000? 1491 01:33:24,849 --> 01:33:28,435 Oh, look. You know, I don't think we're in the sort of league that you're in. 1492 01:33:28,520 --> 01:33:32,106 Well, I'm sure we can find a date when we can play your team. 1493 01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:34,149 It can be arranged. Yeah. 1494 01:33:34,234 --> 01:33:36,277 I think I'll just talk this over with Henry, huh? 1495 01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:38,237 Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink. 1496 01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:41,532 Thank you. What the hell you— 1497 01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,868 Sir, ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, 1498 01:33:44,953 --> 01:33:46,662 I've been proud to wear this uniform. 1499 01:33:46,788 --> 01:33:48,831 What the hell is this? A helicopter. 1500 01:33:48,915 --> 01:33:52,376 Hawkeye, that man has five times the manpower to draw on than we do. 1501 01:33:52,460 --> 01:33:55,296 Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? 1502 01:33:55,380 --> 01:34:00,175 We get Henry to apply, make a specific application for a neurosurgeon. 1503 01:34:00,260 --> 01:34:03,887 He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones. 1504 01:34:03,972 --> 01:34:05,848 Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones? 1505 01:34:05,974 --> 01:34:08,851 Oh, he's— Who is Oliver Harmon Jones? Who the hell is Harmon Jones? 1506 01:34:08,935 --> 01:34:13,188 He is better known as "Spearchucker" Jones. 1507 01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:15,190 He's a good ballplayer. Oh, yeah! 1508 01:34:15,317 --> 01:34:17,609 He's that Negro boy played with the 49ers, ain't he? He's incredible. 1509 01:34:17,736 --> 01:34:19,862 Sure. Yeah, sure. I remember. He's good. He's good. 1510 01:34:19,946 --> 01:34:25,492 Henry, ifwe had closer relations, we wouldn't have this misunderstanding, right? 1511 01:34:25,577 --> 01:34:29,830 Now, that's where a football game would help between your outfit and mine. 1512 01:34:29,956 --> 01:34:32,583 Football game? Yeah, yeah. We put up a few bets- 1513 01:34:32,667 --> 01:34:35,461 5,000 maybe- and have a little fun. 1514 01:34:35,545 --> 01:34:38,881 Special Services in Tokyo says it's one ofthe best gimmicks we've got... 1515 01:34:38,965 --> 01:34:41,425 to keep the American way of life going here in Asia. 1516 01:34:41,509 --> 01:34:44,094 Betting? No! Football! 1517 01:34:44,179 --> 01:34:46,305 But what about Major O'Houlihan? 1518 01:34:46,431 --> 01:34:49,391 You mean Hot Lips? Screw her. Gee, I don't know— 1519 01:34:49,517 --> 01:34:52,561 It's a helicopter, Charlie. I know it's a helicopter! 1520 01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:54,563 Uh, you know, you guys have one problem. 1521 01:34:54,647 --> 01:34:56,398 I just wonder about the social problem. 1522 01:34:56,483 --> 01:35:00,611 You know, I mean, he's the only Negro officer in the whole camp, you know. 1523 01:35:00,695 --> 01:35:03,864 We got a problem— Then we'll stick him in here with us, baby boy. 1524 01:35:05,867 --> 01:35:08,243 You-You're serious, ain't ya? You'd do that. 1525 01:35:08,370 --> 01:35:10,829 Sure, I'm serious. Yeah. [ Stammering ] 1526 01:35:10,914 --> 01:35:13,332 It's enough for me to have to put up with you two Yankees, 1527 01:35:13,416 --> 01:35:15,334 but, you know, uh, that's- 1528 01:35:18,505 --> 01:35:21,715 Was it his wife? Uh, was that why, or was it the religious- 1529 01:35:21,800 --> 01:35:23,759 [ Man ] It was— It was a conditioning problem. 1530 01:35:23,885 --> 01:35:26,261 [ Woman ] Why do they call you "Spearchucker"? I used to throw the javelin. 1531 01:35:26,346 --> 01:35:28,806 [ Chattering ] 1532 01:35:31,643 --> 01:35:33,602 [ Whistle Blows ] 1533 01:35:33,686 --> 01:35:36,855 All right, men, we're not here to sell lemonade. We're here to practice. 1534 01:35:36,940 --> 01:35:39,691 But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker. 1535 01:35:39,818 --> 01:35:42,319 Is it all right to call you that? Call me whatever you want to. 1536 01:35:42,404 --> 01:35:45,989 Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field. 1537 01:35:46,074 --> 01:35:49,243 Uh, officers and men alike. Now we're going to begin... 1538 01:35:49,327 --> 01:35:51,412 with the three basic principles— 1539 01:35:51,496 --> 01:35:54,540 organization, discipline and teamwork. 1540 01:35:54,666 --> 01:35:57,209 Now— Pardon me. Do you mind ifwe limber up first? 1541 01:35:57,293 --> 01:35:59,336 Oh, that's a good idea. You organize that. 1542 01:35:59,421 --> 01:36:02,089 [ Chattering ] 1543 01:36:02,173 --> 01:36:05,968 Hold that line, hey! Hold that line, hey! 1544 01:36:06,094 --> 01:36:10,806 [ Henry ] All right, Seidman. Keep 'em pushing that, uh, whatever you call it. 1545 01:36:10,890 --> 01:36:14,893 Oh, that's good. All right, Hot Lips, keep their arms and limbs moving there. 1546 01:36:14,978 --> 01:36:17,062 [ Men Yelling ] Very good. 1547 01:36:17,147 --> 01:36:19,148 [ Henry ] Radar, you're a coach! 1548 01:36:19,232 --> 01:36:22,734 You're not a corporal. You're a coach! Keep 'em going through there. 1549 01:36:22,819 --> 01:36:25,279 - Good, Hot Lips. - [ Whistle Blows ] 1550 01:36:25,363 --> 01:36:29,450 All right, Seidman, give 'em five. All right, men, take five. 1551 01:36:29,534 --> 01:36:31,452 Spearchucker. 1552 01:36:35,957 --> 01:36:37,833 Well, we look pretty lousy, don't we? 1553 01:36:37,959 --> 01:36:42,129 Well, for college players that have been out oftraining for seven or eight years, yeah, you look pretty lousy. 1554 01:36:42,213 --> 01:36:44,381 Listen, I got an idea how we can make some money. 1555 01:36:44,466 --> 01:36:46,383 We leave him out ofthe first half ofthe game. 1556 01:36:46,468 --> 01:36:49,595 We bet half our money. They roll up some points, okay? 1557 01:36:49,679 --> 01:36:52,347 Second half ofthe game, we stick him in. We get odds from them. 1558 01:36:52,432 --> 01:36:54,558 We bet the other half ofthe money, and we clean up. 1559 01:36:54,684 --> 01:36:57,394 That's very good thinking, Captain. Yeah, it sounds good to me. 1560 01:36:57,520 --> 01:37:01,023 Oh, and I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. I gotta get some water. 1561 01:37:01,107 --> 01:37:04,067 You know, usually in football, ifyou have some organized plays— 1562 01:37:04,152 --> 01:37:06,320 Well, ifyou don't mind, I took the liberty. 1563 01:37:06,446 --> 01:37:09,281 Oh, you— Oh. I drew up about seven or eight plays. 1564 01:37:09,407 --> 01:37:12,284 Oh, these are good. I think that's about all this bunch can handle. 1565 01:37:12,368 --> 01:37:16,288 Oh, very good. Yes. Oh, very, very good. 1566 01:37:16,372 --> 01:37:18,957 Uh, what are these little arrows? 1567 01:37:19,125 --> 01:37:22,252 ♪♪ [ March ] 1568 01:37:25,632 --> 01:37:26,632 [ Whistle Blows ] 1569 01:37:33,890 --> 01:37:35,974 ♪♪ [ Continues ] [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1570 01:37:56,246 --> 01:37:58,413 Right in Smith's hands. Oh! 1571 01:37:58,498 --> 01:38:01,291 - ♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1572 01:38:08,967 --> 01:38:10,425 [ Whistle Blows ] 1573 01:38:12,428 --> 01:38:14,930 [ Crowd Cheering ] 1574 01:38:15,056 --> 01:38:17,891 Well, it's only six points. Six points? 1575 01:38:17,976 --> 01:38:19,851 [ All Shouting ] 1576 01:38:19,936 --> 01:38:21,645 Hut! 1577 01:38:23,106 --> 01:38:24,773 [ Whistle Blows ] 1578 01:38:24,899 --> 01:38:26,817 [ Sighs ] Oh, well. It's only one point. 1579 01:38:26,901 --> 01:38:30,028 - One point? - Who's Number 1 ? That man runs like a rabbit. We can't stop him. 1580 01:38:30,154 --> 01:38:33,574 I remember him from the pros. They call him "Super Bug." Had one year with the Rams before the army. 1581 01:38:33,658 --> 01:38:35,576 [ Duke ] We can't do anything with him in there. 1582 01:38:35,660 --> 01:38:37,703 You gotta come in now. We can't wait till the second half. 1583 01:38:37,829 --> 01:38:41,373 We gotta stick to our strategy. But the first thing you guys have to do is get him out ofthe ball game. 1584 01:38:41,457 --> 01:38:43,875 Hey, Davidson. Yeah. 1585 01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:47,921 Let's ease up just a little bit. Uh, we don't want the score too lopsided. 1586 01:38:48,006 --> 01:38:50,340 [ Cheerleaders Chanting ] 1587 01:38:54,554 --> 01:38:57,764 - [ Houlihan ] We caught it! - [ Crowd Shouting ] 1588 01:38:57,890 --> 01:39:00,434 [ Groans ] [ Woman ] Get him! Yeah! 1589 01:39:00,518 --> 01:39:02,519 Get him! 1590 01:39:04,647 --> 01:39:07,733 [ Groans ] [ Woman ] Get him! Yeah! 1591 01:39:07,817 --> 01:39:09,359 Get him! 1592 01:39:09,444 --> 01:39:11,862 - Who's he giving it to? - Isn't that Corporal Judson with the ball? 1593 01:39:11,946 --> 01:39:13,905 [ Henry ] Judson?Judson's a lineman! Judson can't run! 1594 01:39:13,990 --> 01:39:16,283 Look at him. He's loose. He's loose. He's— 1595 01:39:16,367 --> 01:39:18,785 [ Crowd Shouting ] 1596 01:39:20,872 --> 01:39:23,040 [ Whistle Blows ] [ Hawkeye ] For crying out loud, Judson, what are you doing? 1597 01:39:23,166 --> 01:39:25,334 [Judson ] I don't know. [ Trapper ] What are you doing with the ball? 1598 01:39:25,418 --> 01:39:27,336 All right, come on. Let's get in a huddle. 1599 01:39:27,420 --> 01:39:30,047 You had the whole field open. What'd you go and fall down for? 1600 01:39:30,131 --> 01:39:32,049 I'm not a goddamn runner. I'm a lineman. 1601 01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:34,468 [ Whistle Blows ] [ Man ] Let's go! 1602 01:39:34,552 --> 01:39:37,137 We're gonna really clean up today. Ah. 1603 01:39:37,221 --> 01:39:40,432 Hut one, hut two! 1604 01:39:40,516 --> 01:39:42,851 [ Crowd Jeering ] 1605 01:39:49,025 --> 01:39:52,653 Uh, it's only two points. Two points? 1606 01:39:52,737 --> 01:39:54,988 What the hell you think you are, a cannon? 1607 01:39:55,073 --> 01:39:57,991 [ Trapper ] What kind of a snap was that? We got a lot of money on this game. 1608 01:39:58,076 --> 01:40:02,746 - This is embarrassing, man. - [ Cheerleaders, Indistinct ] 1609 01:40:02,830 --> 01:40:08,085 [ Cheerleaders Continue, Indistinct ] 1610 01:40:08,169 --> 01:40:10,420 [ Cheerleaders ] Let's go! 1611 01:40:10,505 --> 01:40:12,881 Yea! [ Dago Red ] What happens now? 1612 01:40:13,007 --> 01:40:16,927 We get a free kick. A free kick! Go! 1613 01:40:17,011 --> 01:40:20,764 [ With Cheerleaders ] Kick that ball! Kick that ball! 1614 01:40:46,499 --> 01:40:49,459 Another six points. Another six points? 1615 01:40:49,544 --> 01:40:53,130 [ Chattering ] 1616 01:40:53,214 --> 01:40:58,051 Look. Look. He's- He's hurt. He's leaving the game. 1617 01:40:58,136 --> 01:41:05,642 He's hurt! He's hurt! He's leaving the game. He's hurt! 1618 01:41:05,727 --> 01:41:08,186 What the hell's the matter with you? Smith! Smith! 1619 01:41:08,271 --> 01:41:10,272 Goddamn bastards pulled something. 1620 01:41:10,356 --> 01:41:12,482 Hey, Coach, did I break my nine 400? 1621 01:41:12,567 --> 01:41:14,985 Four hundred? This is not a track meet, this is a football game! 1622 01:41:15,111 --> 01:41:17,446 What the hell you think I pay you for? I gotta run the 220. 1623 01:41:17,530 --> 01:41:20,657 What? Get him up. Walk him around. Do something. 1624 01:41:20,783 --> 01:41:24,995 I'll run the 440. 440? This is a football game, goddamn it! 1625 01:41:28,958 --> 01:41:31,710 - [ Whistle Blows ] - [ Applause ] 1626 01:41:31,794 --> 01:41:34,671 All right, you guys, get in there and kill 'em! 1627 01:41:46,768 --> 01:41:48,810 All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off. 1628 01:41:59,864 --> 01:42:02,032 I'm ready, Coach. I'm ready, Coach. Ready? For what? 1629 01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:05,660 I'm in the broad jump, Coach. Get him back on the bench. Broad jump! 1630 01:42:05,787 --> 01:42:09,331 Still 1 6-nothing. [ Voice Cracks ] 1 6-nothing. 1631 01:42:09,415 --> 01:42:12,876 Well, that's not bad. 1 6-nothing in the first half. 1632 01:42:12,960 --> 01:42:15,337 Guess I have to give them the old Knute Rockne at halftime. 1633 01:42:15,463 --> 01:42:17,964 About time for the gun. Right. 1634 01:42:18,049 --> 01:42:19,257 [ Gunshot ] 1635 01:42:19,342 --> 01:42:21,843 Yea! [ Gasping ] 1636 01:42:21,928 --> 01:42:24,179 [ Whistle Blows ] He runs like a mother, but how we gonna score— 1637 01:42:24,263 --> 01:42:27,974 Men, ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, 1638 01:42:28,059 --> 01:42:30,602 I have been proud to wear this uniform. Boone, you got a towel? 1639 01:42:30,728 --> 01:42:32,854 Henry, have you pressed the bets yet? Today, we are wearing— 1640 01:42:32,980 --> 01:42:35,023 Henry, have you pressed the bets yet? Oh, the bets. 1641 01:42:35,149 --> 01:42:38,485 Henry, press the bets, man. The bets, the bets. Finish the halftime speech. 1642 01:42:38,569 --> 01:42:42,656 [ Cheerleaders ] Hit 'em with a mortar! Kick 'em offthe hill! 1643 01:42:42,740 --> 01:42:46,117 Mash 'em, smash 'em, kill, kill, kill! 1644 01:42:46,244 --> 01:42:50,872 Hot Lips, there's a time and a place for everything, damn it! [ Gasps ] 1645 01:42:50,957 --> 01:42:53,542 Right. Bo-bo. [ All ] Bo-bo! 1646 01:42:53,668 --> 01:42:56,670 Come on, Smitty. Come on. [ Door Closes ] 1647 01:42:56,754 --> 01:42:58,296 Yeah. 1648 01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:01,007 What's the matter with him? What's the matter? Hell, you oughta know. 1649 01:43:01,092 --> 01:43:03,051 You guys pulled something out there. 1650 01:43:03,135 --> 01:43:05,220 [ Henry ] Well, I guess you don't wanna double the bet. 1651 01:43:05,304 --> 01:43:09,432 Oh, the hell I don't. We were beating you without him, and we'll go on beating you. 1652 01:43:09,517 --> 01:43:11,434 Are you prepared to back that up with odds? 1653 01:43:11,519 --> 01:43:14,104 Damn right. Three-to-one. Double the bet. 1654 01:43:26,909 --> 01:43:29,452 Who's that 24? Who is he? 1655 01:43:31,998 --> 01:43:33,415 [ Cheering ] [ Hammond ] Stop it! Stop him! 1656 01:43:34,959 --> 01:43:37,919 Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy? 1657 01:43:38,004 --> 01:43:40,630 He wasn't in the game in the first half. Stop him! 1658 01:43:43,968 --> 01:43:45,176 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1659 01:43:51,183 --> 01:43:53,685 That's "Spearchucker" Jones. "Spearchucker" who? 1660 01:43:53,811 --> 01:43:57,397 He played with San Francisco before he got drafted. Boy, he's gonna be tough to stop too. 1661 01:43:57,481 --> 01:44:00,942 Tough to— Ah, Henry, you brought in a ringer, did you? Huh? 1662 01:44:01,027 --> 01:44:02,527 Radar? Yes, sir? 1663 01:44:02,653 --> 01:44:05,906 What's the general trying to say? Didn't bring him in in the first half, did you? 1664 01:44:05,990 --> 01:44:10,118 He's just been informed as to the identity of our, uh, Spearchucker. 1665 01:44:10,202 --> 01:44:12,203 His ringer spotted our ringer. 1666 01:44:12,288 --> 01:44:14,998 How do you like them apples, Charlie? 1667 01:44:15,082 --> 01:44:16,958 You can't trust anybody. 1668 01:44:17,043 --> 01:44:19,669 Now watch him make the extra point! 1669 01:44:19,754 --> 01:44:22,297 Hut three! 1670 01:44:22,381 --> 01:44:24,716 [ Whistle Blows ] 1671 01:44:24,800 --> 01:44:26,843 Isn't that illegal? 1672 01:45:12,014 --> 01:45:13,682 Relax, Charlie. What kind ofteam is it? 1673 01:45:13,808 --> 01:45:16,810 Relax. They're falling around like dead flies. 1674 01:45:16,894 --> 01:45:18,895 [ Crowd Cheering ] 1675 01:45:20,356 --> 01:45:22,774 [ Whistle Blows ] [ Referee ] All right. Ball is down. Ball is down. 1676 01:45:22,858 --> 01:45:25,610 No piling. Let's get 'em up. 1677 01:45:25,695 --> 01:45:29,280 Look, a red flag! We've got a red flag! [ Woman Screaming ] 1678 01:45:29,407 --> 01:45:32,492 Hot Lips! [ Screaming ] 1679 01:45:32,576 --> 01:45:34,577 It's a penalty, you blithering idiots. 1680 01:45:34,662 --> 01:45:37,872 [ Whistle Blows ] 1681 01:45:37,957 --> 01:45:40,750 [ Chattering ] [ Whistle Blows ] 1682 01:45:42,128 --> 01:45:46,172 Judson, get off of him. You'll be thrown out of the game! 1683 01:45:46,257 --> 01:45:48,174 Judson, kill him! 1684 01:45:48,259 --> 01:45:49,884 [ Chattering ] 1685 01:45:49,969 --> 01:45:51,928 [ Whistle Blows ] 1686 01:45:55,349 --> 01:45:58,893 What's wrong with you, huh? We're here to play football, not fight! 1687 01:46:01,856 --> 01:46:04,315 Bastard 88 called me a coon. 1688 01:46:04,400 --> 01:46:06,860 Called you a what? 1689 01:46:06,944 --> 01:46:09,154 Coon. [ Duke Laughs ] 1690 01:46:09,238 --> 01:46:12,449 That's an old pro trick to get you thrown out ofthe ball game. 1691 01:46:12,575 --> 01:46:14,826 Well— Why don't you do the same thing to him? 1692 01:46:14,910 --> 01:46:16,369 What, call him a coon? 1693 01:46:16,454 --> 01:46:19,122 No, no, the boys in camp used to talk about his sister. 1694 01:46:19,206 --> 01:46:21,124 Her name was Gladys. Use it. 1695 01:46:23,085 --> 01:46:25,462 Yeah. All right! All right! 1696 01:46:28,632 --> 01:46:32,135 Ready, set— 1697 01:46:32,219 --> 01:46:34,471 [ Man Yelling, Indistinct ] 1698 01:46:34,555 --> 01:46:36,473 [ Whistle Blows ] 1699 01:46:36,557 --> 01:46:38,558 [ Crowd Cheering ] 1700 01:46:44,148 --> 01:46:47,233 [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Hammond ] What the hell is he doing, for God's sake? 1701 01:46:47,318 --> 01:46:49,444 What's the matter here? 1702 01:46:49,528 --> 01:46:53,156 - Takin' him out. - [ Shouting ] 1703 01:46:53,240 --> 01:46:55,075 [ Crowd Cheering ] 1704 01:46:55,159 --> 01:46:58,495 [ Radar ] Hey, you big ape! Blockhead! 1705 01:46:58,579 --> 01:47:03,416 [ Cheerleaders ] Sixty-nine is divine! Sixty-nine is divine! 1706 01:47:03,501 --> 01:47:07,128 There you go, Charlie! Another side of beef for your butcher shop! 1707 01:47:07,213 --> 01:47:08,338 [ Laughs ] 1708 01:47:08,422 --> 01:47:10,673 [ Cheerleaders ] Let's get the ball and really go! 1709 01:47:10,800 --> 01:47:14,135 Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Who's the little brunette? Is she a new one? 1710 01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:16,763 Yeah, I just had her shipped in. Yeah, not bad. 1711 01:47:16,847 --> 01:47:18,807 Kill 'em! Kill 'em, goddamn it! 1712 01:47:18,891 --> 01:47:20,850 Hut one! 1713 01:47:20,935 --> 01:47:23,019 [ Radar ] Hey! [ Gunshot ] 1714 01:47:23,104 --> 01:47:25,355 My God, they've shot him! 1715 01:47:25,439 --> 01:47:29,609 Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop, it's the end ofthe quarter. 1716 01:47:29,693 --> 01:47:33,071 What did I make you a major for? For a team like that? 1717 01:47:33,197 --> 01:47:36,407 [ Major ] I did the best I could, Charlie. I didn't know they were gonna bring him in. 1718 01:47:36,534 --> 01:47:39,869 [ Hammond ] I oughta put you in there and let them kill you. What about my knee, Charlie? 1719 01:47:39,954 --> 01:47:44,040 Better get on your goddamn knee and start praying. Trick knee, my ass. 1720 01:47:47,044 --> 01:47:50,046 [ Shouting, Indistinct ] 1721 01:47:55,427 --> 01:47:57,053 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1722 01:47:58,681 --> 01:47:59,889 [ Shouts, Indistinct ] 1723 01:48:05,813 --> 01:48:07,730 [ Whistle Blows ] 1724 01:48:15,990 --> 01:48:17,740 My God! 1725 01:48:21,745 --> 01:48:23,705 Hut! 1726 01:48:25,583 --> 01:48:27,167 [ Whistle Blows ] 1727 01:48:27,293 --> 01:48:29,878 Not bad, huh? Did you see that? 1728 01:48:29,962 --> 01:48:32,922 Get the hell back there! Where's my— Get back there! 1729 01:48:36,677 --> 01:48:38,761 [ Whistle Blows ] 1730 01:48:42,391 --> 01:48:45,393 [ Grunting ] 1731 01:48:45,477 --> 01:48:47,478 [ Whistle Blows ] 1732 01:48:47,563 --> 01:48:49,230 Time. 1733 01:48:49,315 --> 01:48:52,525 [ Chattering ] 1734 01:48:52,610 --> 01:48:54,777 [ Cheerleaders Chanting, Indistinct ] 1735 01:48:56,780 --> 01:49:00,575 Well, looks like we may make it. Seconds to go. All right. 1736 01:49:00,659 --> 01:49:02,952 Okay, fellas. We don't have very much time left. 1737 01:49:03,037 --> 01:49:06,831 I just checked with the ref. I got a special play I want to run— a center eligible play. 1738 01:49:06,916 --> 01:49:09,125 We line up with everybody to the right ofthe center, 1739 01:49:09,210 --> 01:49:13,087 except Hawkeye, who drops back one yard just before the snap ofthe ball. 1740 01:49:13,172 --> 01:49:15,089 Now, that makes you the center eligible. 1741 01:49:15,174 --> 01:49:18,551 But all you have to do is take the ball right back from Trapper between your legs... 1742 01:49:18,636 --> 01:49:21,471 and hide it under your belly and walk toward their goal line. 1743 01:49:21,555 --> 01:49:23,473 All right? 1744 01:49:23,557 --> 01:49:26,976 - Hey, Trapper. - All right, come on. [ Chuckles ] 1745 01:49:27,061 --> 01:49:30,813 This is only one time. $5,000, all right? 1746 01:49:30,940 --> 01:49:33,107 It's worth a try. [ Hawkeye ] This is a miracle ifwe can. 1747 01:49:33,192 --> 01:49:36,110 - I'm short. I'm short one. - [Jones ] What do you say? Let's do it now. 1748 01:49:37,112 --> 01:49:39,322 Ready, 1749 01:49:39,406 --> 01:49:41,324 set. 1750 01:49:53,128 --> 01:49:55,838 - What are you doing? Get back there! - I got the ball. I got the ball. 1751 01:49:55,923 --> 01:49:57,924 Run with it! 1752 01:50:01,303 --> 01:50:03,137 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1753 01:50:05,099 --> 01:50:07,183 [ Shouting ] Who the hell's that? 1754 01:50:09,353 --> 01:50:10,520 Illegal! 1755 01:50:13,107 --> 01:50:15,024 Goddamn it, where's that referee? 1756 01:50:21,573 --> 01:50:24,575 - [ Gunshot ] - Goddamn it! 1757 01:50:31,041 --> 01:50:34,043 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 1758 01:50:54,148 --> 01:50:58,401 [ Horn Honking ] 1759 01:50:58,485 --> 01:51:02,155 [ Cheering, Shouting ] 1760 01:51:15,252 --> 01:51:18,254 [ Shouting Continues, Indistinct ] 1761 01:51:18,339 --> 01:51:22,175 [ Hawkeye ] We won. We won. We won! We won! 1762 01:51:27,097 --> 01:51:28,806 One. Two dollars. 1763 01:51:28,891 --> 01:51:31,059 Two dollars. Two dollars. 1764 01:51:33,854 --> 01:51:35,772 Four dollars. 1765 01:51:37,274 --> 01:51:41,235 I fold. Raise you two more. He raised it two? 1766 01:51:43,113 --> 01:51:45,740 Raise you another two. 1767 01:51:45,866 --> 01:51:49,118 I have an Oklahoma. [ Laughs ] Oh, God. 1768 01:51:52,122 --> 01:51:54,248 [ Bandini ] What is that? Oklahoma. It's a pair of eights, 1769 01:51:54,375 --> 01:51:56,626 a 1 0 of spades, a deuce and a five. [ UglyJohn ] You win. 1770 01:51:56,710 --> 01:51:58,378 What are you talking about? What do you have? 1771 01:51:58,462 --> 01:52:00,129 [ Man On P.A. ] Tokyo, United States... 1772 01:52:00,297 --> 01:52:01,881 Armed Forces Radio... 1773 01:52:01,965 --> 01:52:03,883 is on the air. 1774 01:52:03,967 --> 01:52:05,968 ♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] 1775 01:52:07,179 --> 01:52:10,932 ♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ] 1776 01:52:17,898 --> 01:52:19,941 ♪ Shoeshine boy ♪ 1777 01:52:20,025 --> 01:52:23,486 ♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ] 1778 01:52:36,959 --> 01:52:38,459 Duke? Huh? 1779 01:52:38,544 --> 01:52:40,086 You busy? 1780 01:52:40,170 --> 01:52:42,380 Uh, what is it? 1781 01:52:42,464 --> 01:52:44,382 Henry's got our orders. We can go home. 1782 01:52:46,009 --> 01:52:49,178 [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Horns Honking ] 1783 01:52:56,687 --> 01:52:58,855 Right now? 1784 01:52:58,939 --> 01:53:01,149 Anytime. Whenever we want. 1785 01:53:01,233 --> 01:53:04,735 You mind ifwe get out of this guy's brain first? 1786 01:53:04,820 --> 01:53:07,238 Oh. 1787 01:53:07,322 --> 01:53:10,408 Uh, can't you sew this thing up? 1788 01:53:10,492 --> 01:53:12,452 You got that vessel under control. 1789 01:53:12,578 --> 01:53:16,247 Pledget. Haven't you? 1790 01:53:16,373 --> 01:53:19,292 [Jones ] I wanna make sure the oozing is completely checked before I close up. 1791 01:53:19,376 --> 01:53:21,544 Damn perfectionist. 1792 01:53:23,172 --> 01:53:25,882 Yeah, well, I'm, uh— 1793 01:53:25,966 --> 01:53:28,176 [ Chuckles ] I'll see ya. 1794 01:53:32,681 --> 01:53:37,351 Five goddamn months, and they don't even give a guy off for time- good behavior. 1795 01:53:37,436 --> 01:53:40,480 Hey, thanks, man. I'll see you around. 1796 01:53:40,564 --> 01:53:42,690 Possible. 1797 01:53:42,774 --> 01:53:44,734 Take care of the squirrels. 1798 01:53:47,779 --> 01:53:49,739 [ Barking ] 1799 01:53:50,949 --> 01:53:52,909 So long, pup-pup. 1800 01:53:55,579 --> 01:53:59,874 Will you go, for Christ sakes? Will you go before they change their mind? Get outta here. 1801 01:53:59,958 --> 01:54:02,835 "O Lord God, listen favorably to our prayers, 1802 01:54:02,920 --> 01:54:06,005 "and with your right hand bless this jeep. 1803 01:54:06,089 --> 01:54:08,633 "Send your holy angels so that all who ride in it... 1804 01:54:08,717 --> 01:54:11,177 "may be delivered and guarded from every danger. 1805 01:54:11,261 --> 01:54:14,347 "And as you granted faith and grace by your deacon Philip... 1806 01:54:14,431 --> 01:54:19,018 "to the man from Ethiopia who was sitting in his chariot and reading holy scripture, 1807 01:54:19,102 --> 01:54:21,687 "show the way of salvation to your servants... 1808 01:54:21,772 --> 01:54:25,650 "so that, helped by your grace and always intent on doing good works, 1809 01:54:25,734 --> 01:54:29,403 "they may, after all the trials oftheir pilgrimage and life on Earth, 1810 01:54:29,530 --> 01:54:33,074 "attain to everlasting joys through Christ our Lord. [ Chattering ] 1811 01:54:33,158 --> 01:54:35,159 Amen." 1812 01:54:35,285 --> 01:54:38,079 Captain Pierce, your driver will be here in just a minute. Yes, sir. 1813 01:54:38,163 --> 01:54:39,497 Have a good trip, sir. 1814 01:54:39,581 --> 01:54:41,499 Let's go, driver. [ Whistles ] 1815 01:54:41,667 --> 01:54:47,004 [ Man On P.A. Clears Throat ] Attention. Tonight's movie has been MASH. 1816 01:54:47,089 --> 01:54:50,049 [ Chattering ] Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons... 1817 01:54:50,175 --> 01:54:54,345 as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines- Good-bye! Good-bye! 1818 01:54:54,429 --> 01:54:57,223 operating as bombs- [ Chuckles ] 1819 01:54:57,307 --> 01:55:00,726 operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; 1820 01:55:00,811 --> 01:55:04,564 snatching laughs and love between amputations and penicillin. 1821 01:55:04,648 --> 01:55:07,692 Did Hawkeye steal that jeep? 1822 01:55:07,776 --> 01:55:09,694 No, sir. That's the one he came in. 1823 01:55:09,778 --> 01:55:11,821 Oh, very good. Come along, my dear. 1824 01:55:11,905 --> 01:55:15,783 [ Man On P.A. ] Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless— 1825 01:55:15,909 --> 01:55:17,994 [ Whistles ] Radar, Hot Lips, Dish... 1826 01:55:18,078 --> 01:55:19,996 and Staff Sergeant Vollmer... 1827 01:55:20,080 --> 01:55:22,582 as they put our boys back together again. 1828 01:55:22,666 --> 01:55:24,917 Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould, 1829 01:55:25,002 --> 01:55:29,046 Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug, 1830 01:55:29,131 --> 01:55:32,300 Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin, 1831 01:55:32,384 --> 01:55:35,219 John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown, 1832 01:55:35,304 --> 01:55:38,556 Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, 1833 01:55:38,640 --> 01:55:41,684 Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood, 1834 01:55:41,768 --> 01:55:44,562 Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup. 1835 01:55:44,646 --> 01:55:47,189 Goddamn army. That is all. 1836 01:55:47,274 --> 01:55:49,650 [ Gong Resounds ]