1 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:30,822 I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants. 2 00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:34,117 And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay? 3 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:38,287 There is no woman who ends her day with, like, a clean pair of underpants 4 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:41,416 that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay? 5 00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:45,336 They look like little bags that have fallen face down 6 00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:48,256 in, like, a tub of cream cheese, 7 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:52,593 and then, like, commando-crawled their way out. 8 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:55,054 And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch. 9 00:00:55,055 --> 00:01:00,935 Like, they're not items that are for anyone to see. 10 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,938 But now, I'm just like, "Whatever." 11 00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,774 You know, I have a human vagina. 12 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,946 Okay, who here just saw my face 13 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:16,200 and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue? 14 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,286 Who thought that? 15 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:22,206 Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of 16 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:25,584 if a menorah fucked Natalie Imbruglia? 17 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,297 But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean? 18 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,549 You know, like when two lesbians have a baby, 19 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,009 and everyone's like, "They did it!" 20 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,678 And they're like, "But it's really Karen's. 21 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,222 "It's gonna be husky." 22 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,143 You guys are like, "You're a horrible woman." 23 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:45,437 But let me tell you, I agree. I agree. 24 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,317 I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life. 25 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,902 I have a boyfriend. 26 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,613 Yeah, he's cool. 27 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,657 He's got a, you know, working dick. 28 00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:01,453 Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way. 29 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:05,708 But I'm still honking down on that D when I need to. 30 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,502 Literally, only when I need to. 31 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,337 Like, it's not that I don't like doing it. 32 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:12,673 It's just that, after a while, it just becomes a step towards, 33 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,176 like, getting rhythmically banged out 34 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:18,387 until your worries can go away, and you can pass out for eight hours. 35 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,556 That's sort of where we're at. 36 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:24,101 Functional. Functional, you know. We've worked out all the kinks. 37 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:29,023 Man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating. 38 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,653 When we first started dating, my butthole was so scared, 39 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,614 you know, that it might, like, lose the chance at romance, 40 00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:39,867 that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down," and it was like... 41 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:44,038 But then when he would, like, leave my apartment, I would be like, 42 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,706 "Good night," 43 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,960 and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened. 44 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,044 Even though I was like, 45 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,881 "Was that cool when I did that? Was that cool when I did that?" 46 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:58,385 Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back. 47 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:05,934 I would just shut the door and, like, stand there for a minute and then just be like... 48 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,522 "No, no, no. Don't you be your old self." 49 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,691 And then it would be like, "But it feels so good. I gotta..." 50 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,610 That's my butthole's voice. "I gotta be me! 51 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,821 "I gotta be me!" 52 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,406 And then it would just be like... 53 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,287 That's me walking up my stairs. 54 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:29,166 Anyone need a barf bag? 55 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,798 - Hey. - Hi, sweetie. 56 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,800 - How's it going? - Good. 57 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:40,595 Am I having a stroke, or does this soap smell like popcorn? 58 00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:43,598 - You're not having a stroke. - Good. 59 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:47,226 It just smells like your hand, you know. Smells normal. 60 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,520 A couple of other people are going to another bar, 61 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:52,148 and I know that you don't like leaving the radius, 62 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:55,401 but I really wanna go and have, like, one, two, one million more drinks. 63 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,820 Yeah, I don't think I can go. 64 00:03:57,821 --> 00:04:01,407 Okay. Do you wanna just go home, and we can finish that documentary about... 65 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:05,786 Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know? 66 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:13,794 And then you go, and you talk about it up there. 67 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,632 It's just a very weird feeling for me. 68 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,550 Are you still mad at me about last night? 69 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,427 - No. - 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well, 70 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,305 because I ate street meat from the cart at work. 71 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:27,850 And also, you just said you didn't do the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not... 72 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,018 I've been sleeping with Kate. 73 00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,897 What? 74 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:37,318 You know, we can't lie to you anymore. 75 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:42,072 You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No. 76 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,536 I wanted to tell you sooner. 77 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:52,625 But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place. 78 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,877 We never talk or anything! 79 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,380 I'm at your house every other night. 80 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,760 Why are you... Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me! 81 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,845 Is she calling you? Is she asking you, "Have you dumped her yet?" 82 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:05,972 No. 83 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,723 - Or are you just such a dick... - Sorry. 84 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,892 ...that you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me? 85 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,394 I just don't know where to look. 86 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:16,273 You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area. 87 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,067 Hi, Ryan. 88 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:06,573 I don't know if you're getting my messages, but I really need to talk. 89 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,495 I'm sorry. I didn't hear the... 90 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:15,332 I don't care about the beep! 91 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:20,754 I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone! 92 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,348 Kate has HPV. 93 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:35,727 The kind of HPV where you get warts on your stuff 94 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:39,231 and ovarian cancer. 95 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,485 There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but I'm a lady. 96 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:46,739 Yeah, and then she dies of cancer, and you're stuck with the bill, so... 97 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:51,535 I just wanted to apologize for the voicemail that I just left on your voicemail. 98 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,746 And I also wanted to say, "Psych!" 99 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,833 Have a great life! 100 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:03,338 I'll be here with my normal HPV that one in four nice women have. 101 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:08,802 And there will not be an apology message for this apology message. Goodbye. 102 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:35,495 - You okay? - Nellie! 103 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:38,499 You look like a lez who just got back from Birthright. 104 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,583 Move. 105 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,128 These clogs are yours. 106 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,338 Ryan always hated my clogs. 107 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,216 Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh? 108 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,968 You got my texts? 109 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,387 I did do. I'm sorry. 110 00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:55,182 Do you want to talk about it? 111 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,976 Okay. 112 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,395 You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it. 113 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,856 I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate, 114 00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:05,151 but then I just told myself I was being insecure and jealous. 115 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,361 And now, all my worst fears have come true. 116 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:08,571 That's not what happened. 117 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:11,991 What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch. 118 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,993 - I love you. - I love you, too. 119 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,579 Come on up here. 120 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,873 - You know I'd take a bullet for you, right? - I know. 121 00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:21,667 - Right into my heart. - I know. 122 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,863 Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty. 123 00:08:24,864 --> 00:08:26,130 Okay. 124 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,049 You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you? 125 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:33,887 I can't do that to you, because I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod. 126 00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,306 Okay. 127 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:38,309 That sounds too cozy for me. 128 00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:41,353 - All right, I love you. - I love you. 129 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,325 - Donna. - Shit, Gene. 130 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,744 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. 131 00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:01,081 No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well. 132 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,250 Listen, Donna, 133 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,628 there's something that I need to talk to you about. 134 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,755 No, no, no. I already called the plumber. We're just... 135 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,590 We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on Sixth 136 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,801 - for, like, a few days. - It's not that. It's... 137 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:16,263 Well, there's no easy way to spit this out. 138 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:22,102 The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks. 139 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,270 What? 140 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,356 They're closing the store. 141 00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:29,276 That's crazy! That's disgusting! This place is like a New York institution! 142 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,111 You've been here five years. 143 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,613 I've been here for 30. 144 00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:36,700 Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love. 145 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:40,621 That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock, 146 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:45,167 and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles and just, like, chill out all day. 147 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,003 Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that. 148 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,006 Listen, change is good, Donna. 149 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:55,469 Man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me. 150 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,769 You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman. 151 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,772 Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now, and I'm gonna tell him that you said that. 152 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,774 You're not gonna waste one valuable moment 153 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,068 of your young precious life mourning that boy. 154 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,569 I'm a mess. 155 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,447 I can't even be in public without bursting into tears. 156 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,366 And I think I've cried on every train line. 157 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,450 Oh, baby. 158 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,954 You know, when your mom and I split up, I thought my life was over. 159 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,998 You know what saved me? 160 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,292 A long walk with your Uncle Jim. 161 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:30,421 We walked, we talked, and we talked about life, and spirituality, 162 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,299 and identity and racism. 163 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,134 And by the time the sun came up, 164 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,429 - we had the premise for our first TV show. - "We had the premise for our first TV show." 165 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,347 We did. 166 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,600 - That smells good. - Pasghetti. 167 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,687 - Your favorite sauce, extra honey. - Extra honey. 168 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,814 I can eat this. 169 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:54,903 You know, creative energy sometimes comes from the lowest point in your life. 170 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:59,199 But, Dad, you had a partner to do all of that with. 171 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,703 I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up. 172 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:07,958 Well, negativity will either be your best friend or your worst enemy. 173 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:10,502 How do you want to approach your fears? 174 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,546 Tylenol PM. 175 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,132 No. Living. 176 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:18,052 Living is the best revenge. 177 00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:21,180 So eat up, and then when we're finished, you're gonna go visit your mom. 178 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,806 She's worried about you. 179 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,058 You guys need to know 180 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:26,810 there are some children out there who don't talk to their parents for months. 181 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,063 - Like, even on the telephone. - Really? Really? 182 00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,564 Not my child. 183 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,359 - Okay. - Thank you. 184 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,779 You're an aberration. 185 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,614 You're all wrong. 186 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,490 You're the weird one. 187 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,578 You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second. 188 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:48,081 - Are you proud of me? - I'm very proud of you. 189 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,432 You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency. 190 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,227 They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world. 191 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,561 Pass the duck sauce. 192 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,689 You're about to lose your income. You don't seem the least bit concerned. 193 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,192 I'm terrified, Mom. Believe me, I very much am. 194 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,278 But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students. 195 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,448 You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes. 196 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:26,745 I'm a couple of years away from 30, and nobody knows how to do their taxes. 197 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,040 Have you spoken to your agent about booking any commercial work? 198 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,960 You know, I haven't, because recently, she put her entire body into her oven. 199 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,673 You're never serious. 200 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,426 I will use TurboTax this year, okay? 201 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,636 Hand me the plate. 202 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:47,099 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now. 203 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,892 I know you're going through some pain right now, 204 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,145 but you're always gonna be going through something. 205 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,354 I haven't borrowed money from you in months. 206 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,149 And I just did that commercial for the organic douche, 207 00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,067 which is gonna be a real boon to my image. 208 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,486 Well, I'm glad you did the douche job. The douche paid well. 209 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,155 Definitely, stop saying "douche." 210 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,741 There are other things in your life you could afford to be a little more selective about. 211 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,493 Your next beau, for example. 212 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:11,123 I'll never forget that brunch when he told us his SAT scores. 213 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,668 Mom, really, a lot of people aren't good test-takers. 214 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,546 You were. And now you waste that 780 verbal 215 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,632 on telling jokes about having diarrhea in your pants. 216 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,859 Fuck it. 217 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,991 I'll take three more sips, 218 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:50,036 and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go. 219 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,478 I'll take two more sips, actually. 220 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:21,151 And if the lady in the tan jacket crosses the street on the second sip, 221 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:24,487 then that means that I should go home. 222 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:38,835 Motherfucker. 223 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:48,053 What are you doing? What am I doing? 224 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:51,181 Just go home to your house. 225 00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,768 Fuck! 226 00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:06,613 They have a fucking dog. 227 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,490 What were you doing? 228 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,951 Just out doing some light stalking. 229 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,578 No! 230 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,454 What is wrong with me? 231 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:18,249 Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. 232 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,043 How did I not know? 233 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,004 Those two are sociopaths. 234 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,340 This is my fault. 235 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:29,094 I never should have talked about our relationship in my act. 236 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,806 No, fuck that noise. You know what is so great about you? 237 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:35,142 I'm good at folding the laundry? 238 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,185 No, sweetie, you're terrible at folding the laundry. 239 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,812 What is so great about you is that 240 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,648 you are unapologetically yourself on that stage every time, 241 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,650 and that's why people love you. 242 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,319 Listen, I'm not gonna let 243 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,822 that mouth-breather and fucking bag of bones bring you down. 244 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,077 - She's actually my target weight. - That is gross. 245 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,944 I guess comedy is supposed to be honest. 246 00:16:24,945 --> 00:16:27,903 So let me just tell you a little bit about me. 247 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:31,614 As they say, I like my men the way I like my coffee. 248 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,575 Disgusting, 249 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:37,871 like, very weak and bitter, 250 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:42,500 and cold, not sweet at all. 251 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,879 Very gritty on the bottom as well. If you know coffee like that, 252 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:49,465 I'm just like, "What is your number?" 253 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:53,011 And now that we're all picturing a very filthy bottom, 254 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,390 I think it's time to bring one to the stage. 255 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,725 And she's my best friend in the entire world. 256 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:01,561 I think you guys are gonna love her just as much as I do. 257 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:05,398 Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern! 258 00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,693 Yeah! 259 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,862 Here we go. 260 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,156 - Everything cool? - No. 261 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:18,119 I love that guy. 262 00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,373 Okay. I was in the bathroom 263 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:25,210 'cause that is all that I have left. 264 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,338 Does it count as exercise 265 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:34,136 if you are just squeezing your body all the time super-hard, super-tight, 266 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,846 'cause you're just crying so hard? 267 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,764 Does that make sense to any of you? 268 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,600 That was a rhetorical question. 269 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,228 I should probably turn around, right? 270 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,312 No shit! 271 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,398 Okay. All right. 272 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,235 "No shit" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude. 273 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:57,200 In case you can't tell from my deep, deep ridges on my face, 274 00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:04,875 I was recently dumped up with by a human male who is still alive. 275 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:08,044 So, good for him. 276 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:11,673 I feel like when someone does something bad, they should just die. 277 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:17,345 But instead, we die a slow death and watch their happiness bloom. 278 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,810 Doctor's orders. 279 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:35,322 My very nice close friend who's such a nice person 280 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,949 decided to fuck my boyfriend. 281 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,869 I would love to just murder-suicide them. 282 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,038 A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank. 283 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,999 I would never have survived the Holocaust. That's for sure. 284 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,335 If you were cool, this could be art. 285 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,212 Or if I were cool. 286 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,923 Is this not working for you? Do you want your money back? 287 00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,090 'Cause the show is free. 288 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,676 I want my life back, but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined. 289 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,762 So that is a cost I have incurred. 290 00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,765 I'll share more. I'll share more. You guys seem to be fucking loving it. 291 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:05,310 Full-blown affair, you know? Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway? 292 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,020 You know what I mean? It's, like, "Cool move." 293 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,731 This kind of thing makes you think I'm pretty good at fucking, right? 294 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,401 It's 'cause she's one of those fucking girls with a thread count. 295 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:18,073 This place is a fucking shithole. So I'm really glad to be on your roster. 296 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:21,535 She's just going up and down on his dick so slowly 297 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:24,996 so that he knows exactly how blonde her pussy is. 298 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,958 Then I just come in, and I murder-sui everything, 299 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:31,294 and then she gets stains on her sheets. 300 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,300 But anyhow... 301 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,846 - That was the worst. - It wasn't that bad. 302 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:45,350 Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible. 303 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,811 But it wasn't the worst comedy I've ever seen. 304 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:51,189 That was not comedy. That was not even a performance. 305 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,233 That was not even performance art. 306 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,652 I think a lot of people learned a lot about the Holocaust tonight. 307 00:19:57,488 --> 00:20:00,407 You know what the saddest thing about this whole terrible story is? 308 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:04,703 It's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend and ruin that area of my life, 309 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,912 but now I can't even do standup, 310 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,290 which was the one thing about me that made me better than her. 311 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,917 I hate how much you're focusing on Kate in all of this. 312 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,753 If you're about to defend her right now, I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust. 313 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,548 All I'm saying is, like, she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her. 314 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,591 He's a fucking asshole. 315 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:24,764 Okay. Well, this experience has been so cool for me. 316 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,017 But I have to go home, and put on my sweatpants, 317 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,185 and try and hold my breath until I die. 318 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:32,939 No! You have to stay here and drink with me. We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying. 319 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:40,488 Hi. Can I get two Jacks and Cokes, please? 320 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,459 You're really lasering into me with your peepy missiles there. 321 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,210 What? 322 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:59,757 I said that you were lasering into me with your peepy missiles. 323 00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:02,302 Are my eyes my peepy missiles? 324 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:03,803 I'm not a doctor. 325 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,347 Yeah, sorry, sorry. 326 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,100 Both those drinks for you? 327 00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:12,395 Are both those faces yours? 328 00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,649 No, I crashed and burned this conversation. 329 00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:18,651 No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on. No, it's okay. 330 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:21,279 Man, slip-ons? 331 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,489 What's wrong with slip-ons? 332 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,282 It's the winter! 333 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,992 These are an all-purpose shoe. 334 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,328 For all purposes inside of your frat house 335 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:31,539 where everyone's going ping-pong, and throwing quarters at each other's butts, 336 00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,501 and throwing their house out at the end of the year. 337 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:37,837 Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say, "Go to Williamsburg." 338 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:41,549 "Welcome to Brooklyn where they judge you by your shoes." It's great. 339 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,678 This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia? 340 00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:48,306 My God! I've been in the wrong Williamsburg for this whole time, man. 341 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,684 Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia, but this is not it. 342 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:51,768 I have. 343 00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:52,894 - You have? - Yeah. 344 00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:56,272 I went to Virginia on a class trip with my science teacher, 345 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,192 because I'm a city kid, so they wanted to take us to go see, like, the country. 346 00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,277 And she knew where this horse had died in a field. 347 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,781 She wanted to dig it up so that we could see its skeleton. 348 00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:07,283 But when we dug it up, it hadn't even decomposed at all, 349 00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:09,035 'cause that takes, like, a very long time. 350 00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:12,205 And, you know, it had worms on its face. 351 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:15,041 That teacher should be put away. That's awful. 352 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,044 - We murdered her that day in that field. - Stop, it's... 353 00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:21,006 That's the only conclusion. That's the only thing that could happen. 354 00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,883 No, but... You know, she was like... And all the children ran away. 355 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:27,512 But I just stayed, and I looked at its sleeping face, you know. 356 00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:30,390 - That's a lot of story. - Yeah, it is. 357 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:33,643 - I like your shirt. - Thank you. 358 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,396 This nice shirt's name is Max. 359 00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:38,857 Hey. This lady's name is Donna. 360 00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:41,401 And my shirt's name is Brenda. 361 00:22:41,402 --> 00:22:43,695 - She's a loudmouth. - Great. 362 00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:46,739 Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna. 363 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,909 Seemed like you waved more at Brenda. 364 00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:54,497 So, Max, how did you end up here tonight? 365 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,375 Clients. I'm here with some clients. 366 00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,128 I work for a computer company. 367 00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:05,425 We design a program that basically, if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game, 368 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:08,261 people all over the world, it's like you're actually playing it live. 369 00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:10,430 So, it's like a phone call, and it's like you're really... 370 00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:11,598 - So it's like a phone call. - Connected. 371 00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:13,767 - I've made phone calls. That's cool. - Yeah, yeah. 372 00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:15,894 So imagine that, but with a video game. 373 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:18,021 You pick up the phone, and you're like, 374 00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:21,399 "Hi, is computer there?" And it's like, "I'll connect you to video game"? 375 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,778 Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah. 376 00:23:24,779 --> 00:23:26,946 But one of their wives heard about this place. 377 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:29,741 So here we are. Is there comedy in the back? 378 00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:31,034 - Yeah. - No. 379 00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:34,120 Actually, I had just hosted a show back there, and Donna performed. 380 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,790 - You didn't catch any? - No, I couldn't find the room. 381 00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,166 That's a bummer. 382 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,335 - 'Cause she was amazing tonight. - You know what? Thank you. 383 00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:42,003 Like, she's always great, 384 00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:45,215 but, like, tonight, I would say, she was, like, particularly on point. 385 00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:47,467 - Interesting. - Congrats. That's awesome. 386 00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:48,802 You do this a lot? 387 00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,595 Yeah, it's a habit. 388 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:53,472 Okay. All right. 389 00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:57,018 Another round? You want to do another round? 390 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,394 Yeah. Sure. 391 00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,063 I'll try it. I'll try drinking. 392 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:01,231 Okay. 393 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,566 - Perfect timing. - Okay, okay. 394 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,985 All right. On it. 395 00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:12,367 He is hot, bro! 396 00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:16,371 Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian. He's like a Christmas tree. 397 00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,665 So be the fucking angel on top. Who gives a shit? 398 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:22,335 I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah on top of the tree that burns it down. 399 00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:26,672 And they're like, "Shouldn't have had that menorah on top of me." 400 00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:29,634 - He, like, knows Santa. - Sit on him. 401 00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:31,845 "Santa, can you help me forget my memories?" 402 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:35,807 - Yes, exactly. Now you get it. - I don't think so. That's not... 403 00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:39,602 I'm from a small little town in Vermont. 404 00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:44,774 My grammar school was in a barn. How cool is that? 405 00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:46,526 That is cool. 406 00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,279 Right? Pretty sweet. 407 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,531 Is that a lie? Is that true? 408 00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:54,909 It's a truth. It's the truth. 409 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:59,872 Do you think that you can tell when somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee? 410 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,500 Do you have a wig on? 411 00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:03,668 I knew it. 412 00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:05,962 I have a wig over my toupee. 413 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,630 Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee? 414 00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:10,633 I was only halfway right. 415 00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:13,386 Wait till you see my merkin. 416 00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:15,763 Oh, no. 417 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,100 Fuck, it is so cold out here! 418 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:22,645 I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back. 419 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,230 Is this illegal? 420 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,065 Can we get arrested for this? 421 00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:30,194 Are you... Who are you? You've never peed in public before? 422 00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:33,656 No. That's not me. 423 00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:35,450 What about pools? 424 00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:37,452 No, no way. 425 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:38,703 What, you pee in pools? 426 00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:42,248 I've peed in every pool I've ever been in. 427 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,337 Oh, my! 428 00:25:47,338 --> 00:25:49,505 Did you just fucking fart in my face? 429 00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,173 No. 430 00:25:51,425 --> 00:25:54,427 Yeah. I'm... 431 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:58,097 I'm sorry. Are you okay? 432 00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,475 Are you crying? 433 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:03,769 Don't cry, okay? 434 00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:06,564 - Are you laughing? - Who would cry? 435 00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:11,777 - You farted in my face. - I'm... It happened. 436 00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,946 I'm sorry. 437 00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,976 No fucking way. 438 00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:34,605 I would not hire myself in this. 439 00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:36,190 When do you start again? 440 00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:40,486 I'm on call, which means that I only get to work if the other receptionist gets sick. 441 00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:44,031 - So we're praying for bird flu? - That's right. 442 00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:48,119 Cool, I have the dumbest mirror face in the world. 443 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,287 Please, everybody does. 444 00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:51,664 No, but I look like a shih tzu. 445 00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:53,583 I look like just a little shih tzu. 446 00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:55,751 You just want to say "shit." 447 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:57,962 You know, that's not not true. 448 00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,173 Here, try this on. 449 00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:04,927 Thank you so much for this flammable piece of shit 450 00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:08,055 that's gonna give me a rash in one second. 451 00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:11,851 And I also just activated, like, an old whore's BO. 452 00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:14,562 My boobs hurt really bad. 453 00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,939 Maybe you're pregnant. 454 00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:29,911 Hey, is this cute? I mean, if it had a button, would it be... 455 00:30:29,912 --> 00:30:31,579 What? What's wrong? 456 00:30:31,580 --> 00:30:33,873 Oh, my God, I'm pregnant. 457 00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,875 What? No! I was just kidding. 458 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:38,336 No, I'm late. I'm never late. 459 00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,880 And my boobs are super-swollen and sore. 460 00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,465 No, it's just... You're getting your period. 461 00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:44,926 No, I'm never boob-sore. 462 00:30:44,927 --> 00:30:46,427 Okay, well, maybe it's stress. 463 00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:48,888 Didn't you say that when you found out you were pregnant, 464 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:52,225 the one sign was that you had boob soreness? 465 00:30:52,226 --> 00:30:55,561 Yeah, but you and Ryan haven't had sex in months. 466 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:57,313 I know. 467 00:30:57,314 --> 00:31:02,276 Oh, my God! You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter? 468 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,321 Of course, I did. 469 00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:07,781 I don't know. 470 00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:11,201 Hold on. 471 00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,747 Yes, I remember seeing a condom. 472 00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:18,167 I just don't know, like, exactly what it did. 473 00:31:18,794 --> 00:31:21,003 Okay, look, you're probably not, 474 00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:23,005 but we'll go get a test. 475 00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:25,800 I have to pack up the bookstore in, like, 20 minutes. 476 00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:28,511 Okay, I'll go get a test, and I'll meet you at the bookstore. 477 00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:30,513 - Okay? - Yeah. 478 00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:34,099 It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not. 479 00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:36,643 No, you're not. 480 00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:44,569 It's weird that you guys keep a radio on in the bathroom. 481 00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:48,239 Yeah, Gene has shy bowels, and it helps him to go. 482 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,866 - Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes. - Okay. 483 00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,286 And... 484 00:31:53,287 --> 00:31:56,914 One line is not pregnant, and plus sign... 485 00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:58,957 You are fucked. 486 00:31:59,793 --> 00:32:03,170 One line, one line, one line. 487 00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:05,298 Just going to take a big, stinky shit while we wait. 488 00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:07,841 Perfect. Cool timing. 489 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,261 Don't stare at that stick. 490 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:12,805 Okay. I'll just... 491 00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:20,896 You're just peeing, right? 492 00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:24,358 Great. 493 00:32:25,319 --> 00:32:29,363 Do you want to hear the story about when I went to get my first pregnancy test? 494 00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:34,035 It was, like, 2.5 miles between where we lived and where the pharmacy was. 495 00:32:34,036 --> 00:32:38,247 I couldn't ask my mom to drive me, so I had to... 496 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,805 If you've just tuned in, you're listening to the Donna's Brain Show, 497 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,974 and I'm the voice of the brain. 498 00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,727 Today, I'm sitting down with the idiot in question 499 00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:04,357 who, after being dumped and losing her job, recently had... 500 00:33:04,358 --> 00:33:09,403 Excuse me. May have had unprotected sex with a stranger. 501 00:33:11,365 --> 00:33:12,740 I can't get your blouse off. 502 00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,824 Did I leave anything out? 503 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,701 We used a condom. 504 00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,329 Okay, well, that's not what I heard. 505 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:21,957 Let's do this! 506 00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:26,211 Note the razor sharp teeth. 507 00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:29,215 We should have been using our hands. 508 00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,175 No. No way. 509 00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:33,844 Yes! 510 00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:35,680 I don't know any wrestles. 511 00:33:35,681 --> 00:33:39,099 Did you find it? It's a five second rule. Five second rule. 512 00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:43,896 Come on. I think that it was more like... 513 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:46,523 Here you are, sir. One condom. 514 00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:51,112 Might it be correct to say that you cannot recall? 515 00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:52,655 I'm getting a little dizzy. 516 00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:56,575 Well, you're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina. 517 00:33:56,576 --> 00:34:00,495 Did you know that Hulk Hogan's name is Terry? 518 00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:03,081 It's time. 519 00:34:04,418 --> 00:34:06,168 It's time. 520 00:34:13,927 --> 00:34:15,886 Oh, God, your face. 521 00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:18,764 Oh, my God, barf rush. 522 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,852 Do I have morning sickness? 523 00:34:22,853 --> 00:34:26,272 No, that's probably just psychosomatic. 524 00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:28,774 Okay, there's two tests in the box. Let's take another one. 525 00:34:28,775 --> 00:34:32,194 - I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up. - Okay. 526 00:35:09,858 --> 00:35:12,276 - Did somebody have a bad dream? - Oh, God, Dad! 527 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:15,988 That thing is freakin' so frightening. 528 00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:20,201 I guess I am. 529 00:35:20,202 --> 00:35:23,495 Come on, give us a... Come on, give us a kiss. 530 00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:25,664 I love you. I love you. 531 00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:28,333 Kiss yourself. 532 00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,253 It's, like, 100 degrees in here. 533 00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:33,839 Puppets work best in heat. 534 00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:57,529 Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting. 535 00:35:59,825 --> 00:36:01,325 It's Donna. 536 00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,912 I'm so sorry. Must have missed the "na." 537 00:36:04,913 --> 00:36:06,580 Where are my glasses? 538 00:36:06,581 --> 00:36:08,457 Here. 539 00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:11,418 Thank you, Donna. 540 00:36:12,879 --> 00:36:16,507 Your test came back positive, and you are indeed pregnant. 541 00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:18,258 Fuck! 542 00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:26,559 Sorry for cursing. 543 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,977 That's all right. I've heard it all. 544 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:32,481 So, let's talk about your options. 545 00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:37,110 I would like an abortion, please. 546 00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:40,364 That sounds very insensitive. I'm not sure. 547 00:36:40,365 --> 00:36:42,366 Sounds like I was ordering at a drive-through, 548 00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:46,787 but I would like an abortion, please. 549 00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:49,623 It's important that you've put a lot of thought into this, 550 00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:52,918 and that this decision is entirely yours. 551 00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:56,171 I'd also like to provide you with all the information you need about abortion 552 00:36:56,172 --> 00:36:58,507 as well as other options. 553 00:36:58,508 --> 00:37:00,175 Yeah. 554 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,137 I have thought about it, 555 00:37:03,138 --> 00:37:06,139 and this is what I need to do. 556 00:37:06,516 --> 00:37:08,266 Okay. 557 00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:13,606 So, based on the first day of your last period, 558 00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:18,444 you're about three weeks along, which is pretty early. 559 00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:23,282 In fact, it's too early to get the procedure done with us. 560 00:37:23,283 --> 00:37:24,575 Okay. 561 00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:27,161 It means you need to wait. 562 00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,955 I'd like to set the appointment for two weeks from today. 563 00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:33,083 That'll put it on the 14th. 564 00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:36,128 - February 14th? - Yeah. 565 00:37:37,631 --> 00:37:39,006 Oh, my! 566 00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:42,050 I guess we could do it the day after. 567 00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:45,887 That's my mom's birthday. 568 00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,976 Can't even get an abortion right. 569 00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:53,979 I'm guessing you wouldn't want to wait too much longer. 570 00:37:53,980 --> 00:37:56,815 No, let's have it... 571 00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,985 Let's do it on Valentine's Day. 572 00:38:00,904 --> 00:38:04,782 Give this card to the receptionist on your way out, and she'll schedule you. 573 00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:06,867 Okay. 574 00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:11,497 I should probably ask. 575 00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:14,249 How much does this cost? 576 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:18,295 An in-clinic procedure costs about $500. 577 00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:20,380 Really? 578 00:38:23,259 --> 00:38:25,302 Sorry. 579 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:31,266 That's, like, my whole rent almost. 580 00:38:32,102 --> 00:38:36,981 But the cost also covers an HIV test as well as STD testing. 581 00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,732 Do you have insurance? 582 00:38:39,985 --> 00:38:43,862 Well, if not, we can provide financial assistance if you qualify. 583 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:47,324 - Do you have Medicaid? - No. 584 00:38:47,701 --> 00:38:50,869 Any friends or family that can help? 585 00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:59,544 Okay, I'm out of tape now. 586 00:39:00,422 --> 00:39:04,174 Hey, little lady, is there any more tape? 587 00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,926 Yeah. 588 00:39:05,927 --> 00:39:09,804 Yes, there is tape in the bathroom on the top shelf. 589 00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,123 I did the first scream for screaming, 590 00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:39,585 and then the second scream I had from scaring myself from the first scream. 591 00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:41,753 Yeah, I saw that. 592 00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:45,298 - I'm gonna come in now, okay? - Yeah. 593 00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:48,177 What are you doing here? 594 00:39:48,178 --> 00:39:49,845 You said you worked here, so... 595 00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:51,721 Sure. 596 00:39:54,768 --> 00:39:58,353 The Savage Detectives. This book is amazing. 597 00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:01,940 Well, it can be yours for 99 cents. 598 00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:06,361 Hey, I just passed a Mexican food truck on the way over here. 599 00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:09,864 Do you wanna go get a bite? 600 00:40:11,618 --> 00:40:14,119 When we hung out before, you said... 601 00:40:18,458 --> 00:40:22,461 You said that you could mouth fuck the shit out of a burrito. 602 00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:24,671 God damn it. 603 00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:27,257 - Yeah. - Okay. 604 00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:31,553 Also, do you remember urinating in the street? 605 00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:34,306 Among other things. 606 00:40:34,307 --> 00:40:36,016 What? 607 00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:40,145 - That was the main move. - All right. 608 00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:43,232 If you have time, take a little break? 609 00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:47,194 Well, I can't leave the store unmanned, un-womaned. 610 00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:50,405 Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 611 00:40:51,116 --> 00:40:52,616 All right. 612 00:40:52,826 --> 00:40:54,618 Well... 613 00:40:55,161 --> 00:40:57,662 I'd love to take you out sometime on a proper date. 614 00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,503 Well, here's the thing, 615 00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:08,882 is that the store is closing down, and it's a hard time, 616 00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:12,427 and it's gonna take forever, and I have to put all the books in the boxes. 617 00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:13,554 None of them are in the boxes. 618 00:41:13,555 --> 00:41:16,223 I'm the only thing in a box, and I'm not a book. 619 00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,767 - Not yet. - Yeah. Okay. 620 00:41:19,936 --> 00:41:21,395 Totally. 621 00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:23,688 Yeah, don't worry about it. 622 00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:30,362 Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. 623 00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:33,239 I have a copy of this already. 624 00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:41,874 Well, good luck with the closing. 625 00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:44,542 Thanks. You, too. 626 00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:52,384 I can't believe he walked into the store. That's a sign. 627 00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:54,803 And that would be a sign saying... 628 00:41:54,804 --> 00:41:57,973 Like, that I'm a present in a box, 629 00:41:57,974 --> 00:42:00,350 and that he and I should go and start our beautiful life together. 630 00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,687 - You know, I'm not a straight guy... - What? 631 00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:06,481 ...but my guess is that most of them would hate that gift. 632 00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:08,901 What? You're saying 633 00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:11,236 that a guy doesn't want a drunk, pregnant girl in a box? 634 00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:12,821 If you're a serial killer. 635 00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:16,574 Maybe you wanna tell him. 636 00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:18,577 No. Why? Why? 637 00:42:18,578 --> 00:42:20,829 You don't owe him anything. You don't even know this guy. 638 00:42:20,830 --> 00:42:23,207 Maybe he just deserves to know that, like, this happened. 639 00:42:23,208 --> 00:42:26,835 That I'm not psycho, and I'm going to get an abortion. 640 00:42:26,836 --> 00:42:29,504 You know, if I got someone pregnant, I would wanna know. 641 00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:31,924 If you got someone pregnant, I would also want to know. 642 00:42:31,925 --> 00:42:33,592 Probably every newspaper would want to know, 643 00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,761 'cause all of a sudden, some dude's mouth would be pregnant. 644 00:42:35,762 --> 00:42:38,430 My God, you guys, stop it with the crazy jokes. 645 00:42:38,431 --> 00:42:40,307 Why do you care what he needs to know or not? 646 00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:42,976 You are the one who has to get this procedure, pay for it, 647 00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:45,229 wear the fucking pad with the big wings, okay? 648 00:42:45,230 --> 00:42:47,731 You think if he was pregnant, he would be worrying about you right now? 649 00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,025 No, he'd be trying to get that fucking thing out of his body. 650 00:42:50,026 --> 00:42:52,986 God damn it! You guys, we already live in a patriarchal society 651 00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:56,823 where a bunch of weird old white men in robes get to legislate our cunts. 652 00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,951 You just need to be worrying about yourself. 653 00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:03,413 And why are you looking at me like that, you little bitches? 654 00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:08,626 Everything you're saying is valid, but you are scaring my dick off. 655 00:43:09,003 --> 00:43:14,048 Anyway, if your gut is to tell him, I say do it, because he seems sweet. 656 00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:16,259 I'm exhausted now. 657 00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:22,891 - Does it hurt? - Does what hurt? 658 00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:26,103 You know, only you would know if your vagina hurts or not. 659 00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:28,814 Okay. Does having an abortion hurt? 660 00:43:28,815 --> 00:43:34,152 No, except for some cramps afterwards, but they feel just like period cramps. 661 00:43:36,698 --> 00:43:38,991 Just take me through it snip-by-snip. 662 00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:41,159 Okay, first of all, there is no snips, 663 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:44,121 and the whole thing literally takes, like, five minutes. 664 00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,540 That's amazing. You don't even have to clear your schedge. 665 00:43:46,541 --> 00:43:49,334 No, you still need the whole day. Because they talk to you for a while. 666 00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,797 Well, you don't have to clear your schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it. 667 00:43:53,798 --> 00:43:55,716 How often do you think about it? 668 00:43:55,717 --> 00:43:58,885 I think about it sometimes. Once in a while. 669 00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:02,723 And then I get really sad for my little teenage self. 670 00:44:02,724 --> 00:44:05,308 But I never regret it. 671 00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:07,352 And did you ever tell your mom? 672 00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:10,188 No, she thought I was at field hockey. 673 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:14,025 - Were you the goalie? - Of course I was the goalie. 674 00:44:21,451 --> 00:44:22,951 I'm glad you're here. 675 00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:24,119 You're so jumpy. 676 00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,872 You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja. 677 00:44:26,873 --> 00:44:29,791 I wanted to continue our discussion about your future. 678 00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:33,920 Okay, well, I have something that I would like to talk to you about as well. 679 00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:36,298 - I'd like to go first. - Great. 680 00:44:36,299 --> 00:44:37,924 I couldn't sleep last night. 681 00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:40,510 So I made a spreadsheet of all of your expenses, 682 00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:45,182 job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks that I think you should focus on. 683 00:44:45,183 --> 00:44:47,851 Okay, well, you didn't need to do that. 684 00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:49,436 No shit. 685 00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:52,898 I have a student in my office right now, and I have one about to deliver something. 686 00:44:52,899 --> 00:44:56,067 So, we'll do it afterwards, all right? 687 00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:03,741 And could you please go through the mail? I'm still getting your student loan crap. 688 00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,540 It's open. 689 00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:14,752 Hello. 690 00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:17,088 Are you fucking kidding me? 691 00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,048 Fuck! 692 00:45:19,634 --> 00:45:22,093 I'm sorry. I just... 693 00:45:23,388 --> 00:45:25,763 I'm not stalking you. This isn't a... 694 00:45:26,182 --> 00:45:27,933 Oh, my God. 695 00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:30,519 Professor Stern. I'm just... I'm looking for Professor Stern. 696 00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,146 Yeah. She's my mom. 697 00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,440 - She's your mom? - Yeah. 698 00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:38,443 She's a genius. 699 00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:42,447 Okay, seriously though, she's, like, the best professor I had in business school. 700 00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:45,409 I see you about to roll your eyes again, all right? But that's that truth. 701 00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:47,369 She lit a fire in my belly. 702 00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:49,829 Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea. 703 00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:53,458 I'm sorry, but you just handed that one to me like a little present. 704 00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,502 Yeah, you know, we've hung out before. 705 00:45:57,422 --> 00:46:03,093 Anyway, your mother lent me this book a couple of months ago, 706 00:46:03,094 --> 00:46:06,012 and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so... 707 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,847 Thank you. 708 00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:10,224 Come on. 709 00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,393 You made fun of my shoes? 710 00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:14,979 These are my mom's. 711 00:46:16,065 --> 00:46:17,858 Do you wanna try them on? 712 00:46:17,859 --> 00:46:19,525 No. 713 00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:23,029 All right, yeah, I would. 714 00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:37,835 That's amazing. 715 00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:40,589 I don't do hard drugs, 716 00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:43,383 but I imagine this is what it feels like to shoot heroin. 717 00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:45,093 Yeah, they're so soft. 718 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:47,929 They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins. 719 00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:52,433 Yeah, and then she said that, so... 720 00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:55,353 There you go. 721 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:07,156 So... 722 00:47:10,870 --> 00:47:14,330 Sorry, do you wanna go get some food or something? 723 00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,544 Are you two ready to order? 724 00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,214 - You know what? Actually, I haven't had... - Yes. Yes, yes. 725 00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:25,383 We'll each have the chicken piccata over linguine, please. 726 00:47:25,384 --> 00:47:28,344 Of course. Your favorite. 727 00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:30,638 Thank you. 728 00:47:32,892 --> 00:47:35,101 You are a serious regular. 729 00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:39,564 It's, like, the one place where I can go and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in. 730 00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:41,482 Got it. 731 00:47:42,235 --> 00:47:45,654 I also don't normally order for the person that I'm with at a restaurant, 732 00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:49,366 but the chicken piccata is the best that this place has to offer. 733 00:47:49,367 --> 00:47:51,868 It's the gem. It's the crown jewel. 734 00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:54,078 You got to have it. 735 00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:58,750 Well, there is nothing better than some hot bread and butter. 736 00:47:58,751 --> 00:48:00,501 Yeah. 737 00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:04,130 Here you go. 738 00:48:06,759 --> 00:48:09,135 Did you just warm this butter up for me? 739 00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:10,803 Yeah. 740 00:48:11,764 --> 00:48:14,057 That's really nice. 741 00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:19,228 That's just what you do. 742 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:24,484 Max, I have something I wanna tell you. 743 00:48:24,485 --> 00:48:26,360 What's up? 744 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,785 I have to go to the bathroom. 745 00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:35,745 Great. 746 00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,538 I kind of walked into that one, huh? 747 00:48:38,291 --> 00:48:39,541 Indeed. 748 00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:41,834 Aren't you wearing a diaper? 749 00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:44,129 Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it on a number one. 750 00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:47,673 - Okay. - Diaper is for the heavy lifting. 751 00:48:52,054 --> 00:48:56,474 Hey, Max, remember from before when we did sex to each other? 752 00:49:00,646 --> 00:49:04,149 Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion. 753 00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,859 Do you wanna share a dessert? 754 00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:09,904 Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect. 755 00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:14,283 - Hey. - Hello. 756 00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:25,169 Do you see this couple? 757 00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:27,714 Yeah. 758 00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:30,133 They're incredible. 759 00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:34,346 The entire time you were gone, she has been reading off the menu to him, 760 00:49:34,347 --> 00:49:37,515 and he points at a new item, and she just tells him what it is. 761 00:49:39,268 --> 00:49:42,854 Maybe he just likes to hear his favorite things read out loud. 762 00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:44,772 That's what I thought. 763 00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:47,275 I just love couples like this. 764 00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:49,777 It's not a line. 765 00:49:49,904 --> 00:49:52,530 But I can't wait to be a grandpa. 766 00:49:53,908 --> 00:49:56,075 Man, yeah. 767 00:50:02,375 --> 00:50:05,877 Really hitting that bread. You're gonna have room for that piccata? 768 00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:08,546 - Two. - Yeah? Okay. 769 00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:16,304 You got any shows coming up? 770 00:50:16,305 --> 00:50:19,391 I do. I have one tomorrow night actually. 771 00:50:19,392 --> 00:50:21,893 - Awesome. - Yeah. 772 00:50:22,395 --> 00:50:25,730 - Where? - Same place. Always same place. 773 00:50:25,731 --> 00:50:27,732 Cool. Cool. 774 00:50:28,984 --> 00:50:30,777 Can I come? 775 00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:33,905 - Shit. Shit! Shit! - I don't have to. 776 00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:36,282 No, no, no. You stepped in shit. 777 00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:38,034 - What? - Shit! 778 00:50:38,411 --> 00:50:40,244 Come on! 779 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:44,248 - These are my only shoes. - Yeah, yeah, I know. 780 00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,335 - This is great. You're just... - No, no. I'm just... 781 00:50:47,336 --> 00:50:49,504 I'm glad it's... Yeah. 782 00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:51,423 I'm just, you know, just trying to get... 783 00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:53,466 You stamped right down on the doodie. 784 00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:55,593 Okay! 785 00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:57,929 All right. 786 00:50:57,930 --> 00:50:59,472 - You almost got it out? - Yeah. 787 00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:02,058 You're almost cleared? 788 00:51:02,476 --> 00:51:04,102 Yep. Okay. All right. 789 00:51:04,103 --> 00:51:07,939 Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow. 790 00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:10,149 - Okay. - Good night. 791 00:51:10,609 --> 00:51:14,320 Are you limping? I don't wanna get it on my pants. 792 00:51:15,448 --> 00:51:18,950 Yeah. My father was, like, a funny dude, man, my father. 793 00:51:18,951 --> 00:51:20,785 I think he's the reason why I do comedy. 794 00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:24,748 He's like a cross between Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor. 795 00:51:24,749 --> 00:51:29,127 He was Cosby, like, in that he'd hide snacks around the house. 796 00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:31,212 And he was like Richard Pryor 797 00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,297 in that he freebased cocaine. 798 00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:36,050 Can I get a seltzer? 799 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:37,844 What's up? 800 00:51:37,845 --> 00:51:40,471 You're a jumpy little kitty. 801 00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:41,848 When do I go on? 802 00:51:41,849 --> 00:51:43,141 It's what I wanted to talk to you about. 803 00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:46,227 We're gonna have to end early, set up for an '80s dance party. 804 00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:50,815 No. Can you just let me get five minutes? I just wanna do five minutes. 805 00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:52,984 You still doing that break-up material? 806 00:51:53,027 --> 00:51:57,405 I'm just doing my comedy, which is just talking about my life, so... 807 00:51:57,990 --> 00:52:00,325 Don't look at my shit while I'm writing it down, man. 808 00:52:00,326 --> 00:52:01,659 What? No, that's funny. 809 00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,870 I think my bodega man judges me, too. 810 00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:05,746 Yeah. 811 00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:07,999 How was Los Angeles? 812 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,334 Nice deflection. 813 00:52:09,335 --> 00:52:13,338 Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks, three shitty weeks. 814 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,673 I fucking hate that place. 815 00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,134 Running around, driving a gold Kia. That's all they had. 816 00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:19,302 Well, there was a screw-up... 817 00:52:19,303 --> 00:52:21,387 Had to drive a gold Kia? 818 00:52:21,388 --> 00:52:24,140 I did not pick out a gold Kia. 819 00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:28,186 I would pick out a pewter Kia, taupe, tasmine, 820 00:52:28,187 --> 00:52:32,106 which is combo of taupe and jasmine. 821 00:52:32,107 --> 00:52:38,195 But it now looks like I will be moving out there for pilot season. 822 00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:40,740 - Really? - Yeah. 823 00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:43,367 I sold a pilot. 824 00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:44,953 Congrats. 825 00:52:44,954 --> 00:52:47,204 Yeah, but let's get out of here. 826 00:52:47,456 --> 00:52:50,041 Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me. 827 00:52:50,042 --> 00:52:52,502 I'm house sitting for this crazy rich friend of mine. 828 00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:53,586 I mean crazy rich. 829 00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,129 It's awesome. It's huge. 830 00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:59,717 All modern like the stuff when you read in the back of the rich people's magazines 831 00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:01,636 that they have at the airport. 832 00:53:01,637 --> 00:53:04,305 - Man, I don't know. - Donna, you haven't hung out in forever. 833 00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:05,807 Let's go. It'll be mad nice. 834 00:53:05,808 --> 00:53:08,059 We'll get a crew together. It'll be like the old times. 835 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:10,728 What rap group from 1997 are you in? 836 00:53:10,729 --> 00:53:12,897 Whodini. 837 00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:15,775 No, it was two different kinds of mustard. 838 00:53:15,776 --> 00:53:20,071 Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here. There we go. 839 00:53:21,824 --> 00:53:23,616 - No, did I miss it? - Yeah. 840 00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:25,118 I'm so sorry. 841 00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:27,662 Work was hectic. I was trying to leave three hours ago. 842 00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:29,497 That's okay. 843 00:53:29,623 --> 00:53:30,915 I'm actually leaving now, though. 844 00:53:30,916 --> 00:53:34,502 I'm gonna go hang out with some comedians. 845 00:53:36,171 --> 00:53:38,715 - You coming or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec. 846 00:53:38,716 --> 00:53:41,676 I mean, you can come, but I just think it might be boring 847 00:53:41,677 --> 00:53:45,096 or actually very depressing probably. 848 00:53:46,348 --> 00:53:48,016 Is it just the two of you? 849 00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,767 It's not like that. 850 00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:53,270 That's what it looks like. 851 00:53:54,398 --> 00:53:59,360 Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn, but you didn't have to. 852 00:53:59,695 --> 00:54:00,778 You invited me. 853 00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:04,032 Well, I didn't think that we made, like, concrete plans. 854 00:54:04,033 --> 00:54:06,784 Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled. 855 00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:09,996 Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry. 856 00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,705 Me, too. 857 00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,291 Have fun. 858 00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:22,884 My therapist, this is for real, 859 00:54:22,885 --> 00:54:28,306 refers to standup as plays. I'm serious. 860 00:54:28,307 --> 00:54:32,185 Like, "You did a play last night. How was your play? 861 00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:33,478 "How was your play? Was it good?" 862 00:54:33,479 --> 00:54:36,814 - Is your therapist your nana? - No, she's your nana actually. 863 00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:39,400 - Nana! - That's why I go to her. 864 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,860 Yeah. 865 00:54:40,861 --> 00:54:43,237 - Dominican woman, right? - Right. 866 00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:46,824 Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan. 867 00:54:46,825 --> 00:54:51,162 Yeah. No, you've definitely, yeah, nailed down my lineage. 868 00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,831 All right, well... 869 00:54:59,254 --> 00:55:02,006 Hey, how come we've never done this before? 870 00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:09,430 Because a few years ago, I rejected you, and you've been the worst to me ever since. 871 00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:14,852 So cheers. 872 00:55:15,396 --> 00:55:17,188 Right. 873 00:55:17,982 --> 00:55:20,274 Shit. Fuck! 874 00:55:21,986 --> 00:55:24,404 I have a stain stick. I really do. 875 00:55:24,405 --> 00:55:28,491 That's all chemicals. This is wine. I got to soak it. 876 00:55:42,798 --> 00:55:43,881 What? 877 00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:45,758 It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt. 878 00:55:45,759 --> 00:55:48,761 Then why didn't you choose the baggy sweatshirt? 879 00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:50,388 'Cause I wanted to look nice for you. 880 00:55:50,389 --> 00:55:51,681 Oh, my God. 881 00:55:51,682 --> 00:55:54,809 It's gonna be very hard to have a conversation with you 882 00:55:54,810 --> 00:55:57,562 while you're wearing that ladies' camisole. 883 00:55:57,563 --> 00:56:00,481 Well, then I'll do all the talking. 884 00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:02,525 What were we talking about? 885 00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:05,236 I don't know. You just erased my mind. 886 00:56:05,446 --> 00:56:07,488 Break-ups. 887 00:56:07,573 --> 00:56:09,449 Yeah. 888 00:56:09,450 --> 00:56:13,160 I just recently went through a pretty bad one. 889 00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:16,080 - She cheated on you? - Worse. 890 00:56:16,081 --> 00:56:20,376 What's worse than getting cheated on? Think about it. 891 00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:24,005 I mean, I don't understand how a person 892 00:56:24,006 --> 00:56:27,091 who can claim that they love you, act like they love you, 893 00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,260 say it in words, say it in action, 894 00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:35,391 can then turn around in that same breath and tell you 895 00:56:35,726 --> 00:56:38,394 that they don't do anal. 896 00:56:38,437 --> 00:56:40,855 For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ. 897 00:56:40,856 --> 00:56:43,107 What? I was kidding. 898 00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:45,193 Are you leaving? 899 00:56:45,194 --> 00:56:47,487 Yeah, I'm gonna do that now. 900 00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:49,113 I was kidding. 901 00:56:50,032 --> 00:56:51,282 Of course she did anal. 902 00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:52,450 You're an idiot. 903 00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:54,827 No, she was Greek Catholic. You know how they are. 904 00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:58,372 I don't care about the anal or your stupid loft or any... 905 00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:01,334 I can't even believe I've made it this deep into this experience. 906 00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:04,670 You know what I think, is that you should stay the night here, 907 00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:10,009 and we can keep talking and work some stuff out. 908 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:14,806 Donna, come on. You didn't even see the shower. 909 00:57:14,807 --> 00:57:19,268 Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off. You're missing it. 910 00:57:39,832 --> 00:57:42,958 Hi, it's Donna. 911 00:57:43,544 --> 00:57:46,754 I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm really, really sorry. 912 00:57:46,755 --> 00:57:50,799 I never should have just... 913 00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:55,471 I saw you, and I got very nervous. I got taken by surprise. 914 00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,348 I have something that I wanna talk to you about, 915 00:57:57,349 --> 00:57:59,767 and I've been meaning to talk to you. 916 00:57:59,768 --> 00:58:02,436 And I don't wanna leave it on your voicemail. 917 00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:05,857 So, will you call me back, please? 918 00:58:05,858 --> 00:58:08,150 Thank you. Bye-bye. 919 00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:19,495 Sir, can you turn around and go to Manhattan, please? 920 00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:21,789 You said Brooklyn. 921 00:58:21,790 --> 00:58:23,957 I changed my mind. 922 00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:08,752 Hi. 923 00:59:10,088 --> 00:59:12,047 Are you sick? 924 00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:14,759 What time is it? 925 00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:16,802 I think probably midnight. 926 00:59:16,803 --> 00:59:19,430 What's wrong? What going on? 927 00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:22,224 Mom, can I come in bed with you? 928 00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,101 Yeah. 929 00:59:25,562 --> 00:59:28,272 What's the matter, sweetie? 930 00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:31,275 Talk to me. 931 00:59:36,156 --> 00:59:39,867 I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion. 932 00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:44,622 Thank God. 933 00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:46,707 I thought you were gonna tell me you were moving to LA. 934 00:59:46,708 --> 00:59:49,626 What? No. 935 00:59:51,964 --> 00:59:54,799 God. I was so scared to tell you. 936 00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:58,803 Sweetheart, I know that we haven't been getting along lately, 937 00:59:58,804 --> 01:00:02,389 but you should never be afraid to talk to me. 938 01:00:03,642 --> 01:00:05,726 I was... 939 01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:15,736 I was scared that you'd be very angry and very disappointed. 940 01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:18,071 Well, I'm neither. 941 01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:23,244 Look, I can't believe I never told you this, 942 01:00:23,245 --> 01:00:26,789 but when I was in college, I had an abortion. 943 01:00:27,332 --> 01:00:30,459 - Dad's? - No. God. Not your father's. 944 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:34,046 No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert. 945 01:00:34,673 --> 01:00:37,675 And abortions were illegal in those days, 946 01:00:37,676 --> 01:00:42,430 so your grandma had to drive me in the family station wagon 947 01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:44,515 all the way to New Jersey. 948 01:00:44,516 --> 01:00:48,436 And we had to go to some stranger's apartment. 949 01:00:48,437 --> 01:00:51,022 When I got up there, there was 12 other women 950 01:00:51,023 --> 01:00:54,399 just sitting there in some kind of stupor. 951 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:58,237 And they put me up on the kitchen table, 952 01:00:58,238 --> 01:01:01,198 they gave me some kind of shot to put me out, 953 01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:02,991 and that was that. 954 01:01:03,035 --> 01:01:07,621 Next night, I was dancing at your aunt's sweet 16 party. 955 01:01:10,751 --> 01:01:12,459 I didn't know that. 956 01:01:16,340 --> 01:01:19,508 You know, I was going through some old papers, 957 01:01:19,509 --> 01:01:22,970 and I found this book the other day 958 01:01:22,971 --> 01:01:26,724 that you had written when you were 11 years old. 959 01:01:26,725 --> 01:01:30,269 - I wrote a book? - Yes, you don't remember? 960 01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:32,396 You wrote it to me. 961 01:01:32,397 --> 01:01:36,191 You sent me a chapter every week from camp. 962 01:01:36,568 --> 01:01:41,405 It was about this little girl detective named Winks. 963 01:01:42,491 --> 01:01:45,409 She had a twitch. 964 01:01:46,161 --> 01:01:49,163 I have a book for you actually 965 01:01:49,164 --> 01:01:52,625 that one of your students dropped it off, 966 01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:56,128 and somehow it slipped my mind. I forgot to give it to you. 967 01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:58,422 Max Brown. 968 01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,425 Is he, like, a teacher's pet? 969 01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:04,595 Did he compliment you on your alpaca sweater? 970 01:02:04,596 --> 01:02:10,225 Actually, he's a very good student and a pretty good writer, too. 971 01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:13,896 Interesting. Why are you asking about Max? 972 01:02:13,897 --> 01:02:16,273 There's no reason. 973 01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,776 Because he's not your type. 974 01:02:20,195 --> 01:02:22,613 Okay, what is my type? 975 01:02:23,865 --> 01:02:25,616 - Smelly. - Mom! 976 01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:28,744 Ryan didn't wear deodorants with antiperspirant in them, 977 01:02:28,745 --> 01:02:30,246 because he was afraid of Alzheimer's. 978 01:02:30,247 --> 01:02:33,707 Right. I would rather not remember smelling like garbage 979 01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:38,086 than remember that I'd been stinking my entire life. 980 01:02:39,131 --> 01:02:43,092 Yeah, okay, that was, like, a very funny observation. 981 01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:46,511 - Thank you. - You made a full joke. 982 01:03:16,501 --> 01:03:21,255 Darn it. I thought I would fool you with my 212 number. 983 01:03:21,256 --> 01:03:26,093 Hello, it's me again, calling you again. 984 01:03:30,182 --> 01:03:35,102 I can't remember the last time I left a number in my own speaking voice, so... 985 01:03:35,103 --> 01:03:37,688 Anyway, here it is. 986 01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:41,525 I am gonna be at the store until 5:00 987 01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:46,613 and then maybe attempting to make people laugh around 8:30. 988 01:03:47,073 --> 01:03:49,909 You should stop by if you feel like it. 989 01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:55,372 I promise I won't leave with a stranger unless that stranger is you. 990 01:03:55,624 --> 01:03:57,457 Goodbye. 991 01:04:08,553 --> 01:04:10,804 They say to be yourself on dates, 992 01:04:10,805 --> 01:04:13,891 but I actually think that's horrible advice from my experience. 993 01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:18,687 No one wants to talk about how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot. 994 01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:24,109 Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type. 995 01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:32,076 You are gonna kill it out there. 996 01:04:32,077 --> 01:04:36,413 I actually have an appointment to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry. 997 01:04:37,082 --> 01:04:39,708 Boy. Okay. 998 01:04:40,919 --> 01:04:43,337 - What do you want to drink? - Seltzer, please. 999 01:04:43,338 --> 01:04:45,422 One seltzer. 1000 01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:52,555 I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now, 1001 01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:56,225 because I think everything about her is fucking cool. 1002 01:04:56,226 --> 01:05:00,563 And I think that you guys are definitely going to agree with me on this. 1003 01:05:00,564 --> 01:05:04,483 She is hot as shit and brilliant. 1004 01:05:04,484 --> 01:05:07,986 Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern. 1005 01:05:15,704 --> 01:05:18,372 You guys like my singing voice? 1006 01:05:18,373 --> 01:05:23,210 I just burped into this because I'm an adult woman. 1007 01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:27,131 I do like being an adult woman. 1008 01:05:27,132 --> 01:05:29,633 I've always wanted to be that... 1009 01:05:29,634 --> 01:05:34,972 I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra, and a blouse, 1010 01:05:34,973 --> 01:05:37,474 and a schedule. 1011 01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:39,977 Like, where I could just, like, be in my house and just be like, 1012 01:05:39,978 --> 01:05:43,522 "Oh, my God, I'm running late," you know? Like... 1013 01:05:43,523 --> 01:05:46,734 I've always wanted to be able to be on the car phone and be like, 1014 01:05:46,735 --> 01:05:50,320 "Okay, Susan, will do. 1015 01:05:51,323 --> 01:05:54,992 "What? Okay. All right. Talk soon." 1016 01:05:54,993 --> 01:05:59,163 And then just hang up and not worry about, you know, 1017 01:05:59,164 --> 01:06:03,041 why the bathroom smells in a weird way. 1018 01:06:05,420 --> 01:06:08,672 But I'm not here to talk about car phones. 1019 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:12,635 I came here tonight on a very different mission. 1020 01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:14,803 And that is 1021 01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:19,808 to say to you that... 1022 01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:24,021 Sorry. 1023 01:06:24,022 --> 01:06:27,983 Which is to say to you 1024 01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,944 that I am pregnant. 1025 01:06:35,492 --> 01:06:39,077 Okay, all right, testing the waters. I dropped that one down. 1026 01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:45,042 The second thing that I would like to say right now, out loud, 1027 01:06:45,043 --> 01:06:47,252 and I'm gonna say it out loud right now. 1028 01:06:47,253 --> 01:06:49,546 Out loud, right now... I'm fine. Everything's fine. 1029 01:06:49,547 --> 01:06:52,424 Just rolling along with this, out loud, right now. 1030 01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:56,929 Is that I am going to have an abortion... 1031 01:06:56,930 --> 01:06:59,431 Okay, okay, keep breathing. 1032 01:06:59,474 --> 01:07:02,393 ...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day. 1033 01:07:02,394 --> 01:07:05,395 So, we'll start from there. 1034 01:07:06,064 --> 01:07:08,940 I'm sure you're wondering how this happened. 1035 01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:16,573 A little thing I like to call getting banged out in the middle of the night, 1036 01:07:17,242 --> 01:07:22,787 the heat, heat, heat of the night, by a very nice person 1037 01:07:23,415 --> 01:07:25,833 that I don't know very well at all. 1038 01:07:25,834 --> 01:07:29,420 I don't know. He was a stranger, but a nice one. 1039 01:07:29,421 --> 01:07:33,548 Probably the best of all the strangers that are out there. 1040 01:07:34,259 --> 01:07:35,759 And of course you guys aren't strangers anymore 1041 01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:40,472 because now you're a part of my life in a big way. 1042 01:07:41,057 --> 01:07:44,435 So I don't know if you've gleaned that maybe I'm not ready to be a mom. 1043 01:07:44,436 --> 01:07:47,730 You're like, "No shit. You are not ready to be a mom." 1044 01:07:47,731 --> 01:07:52,234 And so I decided to get the abortion, 1045 01:07:52,235 --> 01:07:54,403 but I really do love pregnant ladies, 1046 01:07:54,404 --> 01:07:59,366 and there's lots of things about being a mom that seem fun, 1047 01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:03,787 but for me it's just like I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV. 1048 01:08:04,497 --> 01:08:06,623 Equaling I can't shut off the TV. 1049 01:08:09,002 --> 01:08:14,047 I decided to tell my mom, and I thought she was gonna like, 1050 01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:16,008 you know, be super upset, 1051 01:08:16,009 --> 01:08:17,634 and, like, set me on fire and be like, 1052 01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:19,470 "You can never come back to the synagogue." 1053 01:08:19,471 --> 01:08:23,307 Which is also kind of a fantasy that I'd never have to go back to the synagogue. 1054 01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,393 So boring. Everyone's breath is horrible there. 1055 01:08:26,394 --> 01:08:28,479 But instead, 1056 01:08:28,480 --> 01:08:33,150 she was very relieved, 1057 01:08:33,151 --> 01:08:35,944 and she actually ended up telling me 1058 01:08:35,945 --> 01:08:40,657 that she herself had gotten an abortion in the '60s. 1059 01:08:40,658 --> 01:08:43,160 Which is pretty amazing 1060 01:08:43,161 --> 01:08:47,038 because the bushes were so big then, 1061 01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:55,714 that, you know, they must have really, you know, really had to hunt for it. 1062 01:08:59,511 --> 01:09:03,514 And I can say that because, you know, once you get an abortion, 1063 01:09:03,515 --> 01:09:06,892 you can reveal who else has had them. 1064 01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:12,314 I decided to be on the list of the very many women that have done this. 1065 01:09:12,816 --> 01:09:18,194 Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I can honestly say 1066 01:09:20,281 --> 01:09:24,784 it's not going to be the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had. 1067 01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:30,081 It's gonna be okay because 1068 01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:33,293 I know that I'm not alone. 1069 01:09:33,294 --> 01:09:36,755 I'm totally here. You guys are here. 1070 01:09:36,756 --> 01:09:39,132 You're all gonna come with me tomorrow. 1071 01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:43,553 But it's going to be... 1072 01:09:51,396 --> 01:09:53,897 I think it's going to be okay. 1073 01:09:53,898 --> 01:09:57,568 And afterwards, I'll just be in my future. 1074 01:09:57,569 --> 01:10:00,696 And, you know, we'll go from there, right? 1075 01:10:00,697 --> 01:10:02,614 I guess so. 1076 01:10:03,283 --> 01:10:04,575 That's really it. 1077 01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,910 You guys have been very generous to me tonight, 1078 01:10:06,911 --> 01:10:08,745 and I've really enjoyed myself. 1079 01:10:08,746 --> 01:10:11,790 So, thank you and happy V-Day. 1080 01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:15,460 Hope you get all the candy that you want and deserve. 1081 01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,796 That's it. Thank you. 1082 01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:19,274 - Morning, sunshine. - Hey. 1083 01:11:19,275 --> 01:11:22,235 You were so incredible last night. 1084 01:11:23,154 --> 01:11:24,696 He left. 1085 01:11:24,697 --> 01:11:27,449 I was talking about your set. 1086 01:11:27,450 --> 01:11:28,784 Thanks. 1087 01:11:28,785 --> 01:11:30,619 How's your stomach? You want this? 1088 01:11:30,620 --> 01:11:33,496 No, I don't. I just want this. 1089 01:11:34,248 --> 01:11:37,709 Well, when you're ready, I'll call us a cab. 1090 01:11:37,710 --> 01:11:39,962 Are you ready? 1091 01:11:39,963 --> 01:11:41,921 I'm ready. 1092 01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:46,343 Okay, thank you very much. We are outside. 1093 01:11:46,344 --> 01:11:47,678 Five minutes. 1094 01:11:47,679 --> 01:11:48,804 Let's just take the train. 1095 01:11:48,805 --> 01:11:51,389 No, we're aborting in style. 1096 01:11:51,891 --> 01:11:53,642 I'm so cold! 1097 01:11:53,643 --> 01:11:54,726 Freezing. 1098 01:11:54,727 --> 01:11:57,354 Have you ever heard about the people on Mount Everest 1099 01:11:57,355 --> 01:11:59,356 who are about to die, and how that is for them? 1100 01:11:59,357 --> 01:12:01,358 No, tell me what happens to them. 1101 01:12:01,359 --> 01:12:02,693 It's not like what you imagine. 1102 01:12:02,694 --> 01:12:04,987 Like, that there are icicles coming out of their tears or whatever. 1103 01:12:04,988 --> 01:12:07,239 The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down." 1104 01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:10,617 But then they sit down, because they're so tired that they'll just die up there. 1105 01:12:10,618 --> 01:12:12,411 - Oh, my God. - And all their parkas are still there. 1106 01:12:12,412 --> 01:12:15,122 Max. Max. Max is walking. 1107 01:12:15,123 --> 01:12:18,709 Max is walking up. I'm not kidding, and he has a bouquet of flowers. 1108 01:12:18,710 --> 01:12:20,335 No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah. 1109 01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,295 - I can't... What do I do? - You just... I don't know. 1110 01:12:22,296 --> 01:12:24,339 - Pretend I'm saying something. - You are saying something. 1111 01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:25,549 - God... - He's coming. 1112 01:12:25,550 --> 01:12:26,925 - He's getting very close. - What's my face look like? 1113 01:12:26,926 --> 01:12:29,010 It's happening now. He's here. 1114 01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:32,639 - Hey. - Hi. 1115 01:12:33,683 --> 01:12:35,892 These are for you. 1116 01:12:35,893 --> 01:12:37,810 That's so nice. 1117 01:12:41,274 --> 01:12:45,235 I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you 1118 01:12:47,530 --> 01:12:49,030 and you, 1119 01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:53,117 I could go with you. 1120 01:13:04,255 --> 01:13:09,092 You can look at my sheet. It's okay. I don't have any secrets. 1121 01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:12,303 Nice. 1122 01:13:12,513 --> 01:13:15,390 Mental illness runs in your family. 1123 01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:19,435 Yeah, we have diabetes and depression. 1124 01:13:19,687 --> 01:13:21,438 The diabetes? 1125 01:13:21,439 --> 01:13:23,440 You guys like to eat a lot of candy in your family? 1126 01:13:23,441 --> 01:13:26,401 Lot of desserts, lot of pie, lot of brownie sundaes. 1127 01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:28,778 - That's darling. - Yeah. 1128 01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:36,035 So cold out today. 1129 01:13:37,080 --> 01:13:42,208 When I looked on weather.com this morning to pick out my outfit, 1130 01:13:42,752 --> 01:13:45,879 I saw that it is the coldest day of the year. 1131 01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,630 Really? 1132 01:13:48,424 --> 01:13:52,928 I heard they're going to start naming snowstorms like they do with hurricanes. 1133 01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:56,055 That's how intense it's going to be from now on. 1134 01:13:57,934 --> 01:13:59,892 The Donna. 1135 01:14:00,520 --> 01:14:02,979 Snowstorm of the century. 1136 01:14:02,980 --> 01:14:04,606 Donna Two. 1137 01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,817 Have you ever watched a weather report before? 1138 01:14:06,818 --> 01:14:08,235 Man, I got to get on that. 1139 01:14:08,236 --> 01:14:10,987 - Just movie trailers for you, huh? - Is that what that is? 1140 01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:12,905 Is that all? 1141 01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:22,206 I'm sorry I took off last night. 1142 01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:25,168 I got your voicemails. 1143 01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:29,339 I just didn't know what to do. 1144 01:14:31,175 --> 01:14:35,970 I also made a very extreme move last night. 1145 01:14:36,389 --> 01:14:38,306 Yeah, but 1146 01:14:39,684 --> 01:14:41,768 it was an asshole move on my part. 1147 01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,353 No. 1148 01:14:43,563 --> 01:14:47,857 I think we're both just trying to figure out 1149 01:14:48,568 --> 01:14:52,904 - how to do everything. - Yeah. 1150 01:14:52,905 --> 01:14:56,908 I really wanted to tell you when we were at dinner, but then you... 1151 01:14:56,909 --> 01:15:01,705 I freaked out because you started talking about wanting to be a grandfather. 1152 01:15:01,706 --> 01:15:04,291 And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow? 1153 01:15:04,292 --> 01:15:06,251 Well, you're, like, 76, right? 1154 01:15:06,252 --> 01:15:08,211 Yeah. Yep. 1155 01:15:08,462 --> 01:15:10,505 I just don't... You know. 1156 01:15:10,506 --> 01:15:13,175 We've just been acquainted. 1157 01:15:13,176 --> 01:15:16,553 I didn't know if you'd be okay with this. 1158 01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:19,055 Are you okay with this? 1159 01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:22,725 Yeah. Yes. 1160 01:15:23,060 --> 01:15:25,269 - Of course. - Good. 1161 01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:29,565 I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday. 1162 01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:34,404 - Dad first and then... Right. - Yeah. 1163 01:15:44,207 --> 01:15:50,378 This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day I have ever had. 1164 01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:54,590 Which one of you is Donna? 1165 01:15:56,302 --> 01:15:58,511 Follow me, please. 1166 01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,765 Okay. 1167 01:16:10,316 --> 01:16:13,192 Well, thank you for coming. 1168 01:16:13,945 --> 01:16:16,362 Thanks for letting me. 1169 01:16:17,448 --> 01:16:19,991 See you on the other side? 1170 01:16:54,819 --> 01:16:57,570 Hi, Donna. The sedative should be taking effect. 1171 01:16:57,571 --> 01:17:00,031 Are you feeling relaxed? 1172 01:17:13,004 --> 01:17:16,131 Okay, Donna, we're going to start the procedure now. 1173 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:20,051 Let us know if you feel any discomfort at any time. 1174 01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:16,774 - Here you go. It's hot. Careful. - Thank you. 1175 01:18:25,076 --> 01:18:26,910 Do you want to put your feet up? 1176 01:18:26,911 --> 01:18:28,578 Okay. 1177 01:18:33,042 --> 01:18:36,085 - How's that? - It's good. 1178 01:18:37,171 --> 01:18:40,715 I made a bunch of friends in the waiting room 1179 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:42,633 at the DMV. 1180 01:18:43,844 --> 01:18:45,303 Oh, God. 1181 01:18:45,304 --> 01:18:47,472 We weren't at the DMV. 1182 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,099 I got my license renewed. 1183 01:18:49,100 --> 01:18:50,892 You did? 1184 01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,436 Were you not... I got the car inspected. 1185 01:18:53,437 --> 01:18:56,814 You know, I think they towed my car. 1186 01:18:56,941 --> 01:19:00,360 Yeah, they sort of took a lot of stuff out of the trunk. 1187 01:19:00,361 --> 01:19:02,695 And, you know, for a second, I was afraid to drive it again, 1188 01:19:02,696 --> 01:19:04,114 but I think I probably will. 1189 01:19:04,115 --> 01:19:07,450 - So you were there? You were at the DMV. - Yeah. 1190 01:19:07,451 --> 01:19:09,285 That was us. 1191 01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:13,123 - Do you want to watch a movie? - Always. 1192 01:19:13,124 --> 01:19:14,749 Okay. 1193 01:19:15,668 --> 01:19:18,711 Let's see what we got going on here. 1194 01:19:23,426 --> 01:19:25,968 It is nothing but romantic comedies. 1195 01:19:26,178 --> 01:19:28,512 I just hate that type of film. 1196 01:19:29,223 --> 01:19:31,349 I don't connect to it. 1197 01:19:31,350 --> 01:19:33,225 Here we go. 1198 01:19:33,561 --> 01:19:35,145 We have hit the mother lode. 1199 01:19:35,146 --> 01:19:38,648 Gone with the Wind is about to start. Have you ever seen this? 1200 01:19:38,649 --> 01:19:40,275 I have not. 1201 01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:42,818 I've never seen it either. 1202 01:19:43,487 --> 01:19:45,655 Do you want to watch it? 1203 01:19:45,656 --> 01:19:49,075 I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long. 1204 01:19:49,869 --> 01:19:52,578 Do you have somewhere to be?