1
00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:46,935
Everyone, have your money
ready. We only have so much time.
2
00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:49,481
Okay, say, "Cheers!" Cheers.
3
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,141
Say, "Beer!" Beer!
4
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,616
Say, "Cheers!"
5
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,082
Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.
6
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:57,180
Why?
7
00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,782
Hands, you wanna field this one?
8
00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:01,588
Uh, dude, you're getting a fake ID
9
00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:03,595
and you're wearing a shirt
that says you're in high school.
10
00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:04,823
So?
11
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,025
Okay, whatever. I'll fix it later.
12
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,226
Just do what you were doing.
13
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,132
Give me some nice cat things.
14
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:11,737
- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.
15
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,534
What the hell is going on here?
16
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:14,766
Relax, pal.
17
00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:16,069
Five percent goes to
your favorite charity.
18
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:17,769
Uh, I forgot to tell
you, I borrowed your keys.
19
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,812
You borrowed my keys? Come on.
20
00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:21,107
Well, I needed them. Ow.
21
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:22,808
We're providing a vital
service to America's youth here.
22
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:25,180
Could we get the next in line,
please? No, we're not. Stay there!
23
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,219
We're contributing to the
delinquency of minors, B.
24
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,255
Do you know what will
happen to me if I get caught?
25
00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:30,983
Every day after eighth period,
26
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:32,615
Vice Principal Matthews comes in here.
27
00:01:32,692 --> 00:01:34,421
He picks up the women's fitness magazine
28
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,485
and he snaps one off!
29
00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:37,962
Are you serious? Yes.
30
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,020
That is a problem.
31
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,124
Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?
32
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,793
So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.
33
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:43,858
Okay, let's go!
34
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:46,531
Shit!
35
00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,271
Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
36
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:55,075
Okay, good, good.
37
00:01:55,148 --> 00:01:57,548
Ah, wonderful! Vice Principal Matthews!
38
00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:58,709
So glad you could join us!
39
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,412
What the hell is this?
40
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:01,884
It's Glee Club practice, sir.
41
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,822
We're just gettin' ready for
Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.
42
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:06,586
We don't have a Glee Club.
43
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,018
Not yet, we don't, sir.
44
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,187
But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind
45
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,254
a legacy that inspires future students
46
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,926
to take initiative rather
than spend their time,
47
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,902
I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.
48
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:19,799
I mean, I went to read an article
49
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,932
about no carbs and
higher reps the other day
50
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:23,339
and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.
51
00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:25,707
...as if by some natural
adhesive. That'll be enough.
52
00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:27,370
I need to cut the pounds
53
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:28,846
and I can't open the... Stop it!
54
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,815
Whatever does it for... Stop it!
55
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,476
That's all I'm gonna say.
56
00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:34,383
Thank God you're graduating.
57
00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,680
I'm the fourth-generation
Schrader... Sorry.
58
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,622
to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.
59
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:41,353
I can't do anything to screw that up.
60
00:02:41,427 --> 00:02:44,021
You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.
61
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,429
Look at you. Would you stop, man? Relax.
62
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:47,898
We're all goin' to college, okay?
63
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,935
This is said by the guy
who's been rejected... Hey, B.
64
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,027
...by seven schools.
65
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,696
Hey, I'm creating dramatic tension.
66
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:54,569
I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.
67
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:59,302
I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!
68
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,370
Yeah! Yeah!
69
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,546
Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.
70
00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:05,845
Oh, what makes you say that?
71
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,943
I don't know.
72
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,180
Bartleby! Hey.
73
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,085
Hey, how are you,
Monica? Hey, how are you?
74
00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,056
Good. Do you know Schrader?
75
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,559
No, I don't think so. Oh! Yes! We...
76
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:17,023
I actually... We had a class.
77
00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:18,120
Oh, yeah.
78
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,393
My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.
79
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:22,696
Yeah. Sorry. I don't
remember you, either.
80
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,895
Sorry. It's all right.
81
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,336
Um, anyway, I really
wanted to ask you something.
82
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:27,464
Sure, anything.
83
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:28,598
Um, you know, I know it's really late,
84
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:29,972
but, um, last minute and everything,
85
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,772
but prom is coming up soon,
you know? It's okay. Yes.
86
00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:34,677
And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.
87
00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:36,442
Awesome! And I was wondering
88
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:39,349
if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...
89
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:41,387
I'd love to. ...mow our lawn.
90
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,614
Mow your lawn? Yeah.
91
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,682
Oh. I'm sorry.
92
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:49,860
Yeah. I'm really
embarrassed, but, you know,
93
00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:52,056
our mower's broken and my mom
was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"
94
00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:53,155
That's cool!
95
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,360
I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?
96
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:56,561
Of course.
97
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:57,625
Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.
98
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,695
Thank you. Hey, babe!
Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!
99
00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,239
Sorry, I got to go.
100
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,865
But thank you, again. Yeah, s-sure.
101
00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:04,773
You're really helping us
out. Oh, great to see you.
102
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,436
And, hey, it was nice to
meet, um, see you. Talk to you.
103
00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:08,173
Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.
104
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,045
Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B-Bye, Monica.
105
00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:11,583
Hey, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting, baby.
106
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,812
Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
107
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,753
Hoyt Ambrose. What's that
guy got that I don't have?
108
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,518
I just need to get a car.
109
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,223
And classic good looks.
110
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,802
"I regret..."
111
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,488
I can't believe I didn't get into State!
112
00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:52,922
I wasn't even aiming high with that one.
113
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:54,050
That was my fallback!
114
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,152
It was my safety school, my fail-safe!
115
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,027
Maybe you're just too average.
116
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,258
Hey, time out.
117
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,493
Too average?
118
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:04,393
Okay. Okay. Excuse me, Lizzie.
119
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,028
R-R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.
120
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:07,402
I didn't have to go to
gym class for a whole year
121
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:08,906
'cause I claimed to
be allergic to sweat.
122
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,569
Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnal
123
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,236
and I was allowed to study in my dreams?
124
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,907
I got the school bully, Frank
Daley, kicked out for two years
125
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,813
because he was sexually harassing me
126
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,318
by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.
127
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:22,217
I mean, come on. That was pure genius.
128
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:25,587
Maybe if you didn't write an
essay called "I Don't Have a Clue."
129
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,852
Well, it's true. You know?
130
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,894
I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.
131
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:30,622
Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.
132
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,130
O ye of little faith.
133
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,425
They're not gonna kill me. Uh-huh.
134
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:35,692
I just have to spin it
135
00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:37,759
and put it in terms they can understand.
136
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,168
I don't understand.
137
00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:41,035
I don't understand, either.
138
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,899
Okay, I figure it like this.
139
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:45,603
The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?
140
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,578
Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...
141
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:49,012
You can pass those around.
142
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,572
Someone with no education
beyond high school
143
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,642
can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.
144
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,779
Now, that being said,
over the next four years,
145
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:58,881
you could either spend $80,000
146
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,426
or I could make $80,000.
147
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:04,823
Are you saying you don't
want to go to college?
148
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,263
No. I'm saying that it
is fiscally irresponsible
149
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,426
for me to go to college. You know?
150
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,728
Are you huffing? Oh, God. No.
151
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,704
Are you high? You're huffing grass?
152
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:16,264
No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm
not stoned. I'm completely fine.
153
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,936
In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.
154
00:06:19,011 --> 00:06:21,104
Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.
155
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,579
Society has rules.
156
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,646
And the first rule is you
go to college. Mmm-hmm.
157
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,346
You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.
158
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,412
If you want to be
somebody, you go to college.
159
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,651
If you want to fit
in, you go to college.
160
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,250
Well, you know what? Maybe
I didn't get into college.
161
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,294
What do you mean?
162
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,107
I didn't get accepted anywhere.
163
00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:51,201
Oh, Bartleby.
164
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:52,266
Damn it.
165
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:55,872
I knew he should've started
preparing for college in junior high
166
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,245
like his sister.
167
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,443
Now, she's got a shot. I've got a shot.
168
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:00,781
She's got a shot. Listen, guys.
169
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:03,014
There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.
170
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,886
Albert Einstein, you know.
171
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:07,016
Pocahontas never went to college.
172
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,890
Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.
173
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,087
They had a great run.
174
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,721
Both Lewis and Clark.
175
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,660
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
176
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,960
I need to go check on the cobbler.
177
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:20,905
"Check the cobbler." Glug, glug, glug.
178
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,641
You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.
179
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:26,577
You're goin' to college.
180
00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,450
I told you so.
181
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:33,815
You were adopted.
182
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:36,949
Everyone,
183
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:40,049
I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.
184
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,787
To the Class of 2006,
185
00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:44,056
may the next four years of college
186
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,030
be the best years of your life.
187
00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:47,497
Hear, hear. Mom.
188
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,835
Hey. Hey, man, what's up?
189
00:07:50,903 --> 00:07:53,201
What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?
190
00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:55,169
Dude, I swear, if one
more person tells me
191
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:57,505
how excited they are to go
to college, I'm gonna lose it.
192
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:58,976
Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.
193
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:01,536
That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.
194
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,242
Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.
195
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,285
That sucks. What are you gonna do now?
196
00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,543
I have no idea.
197
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,545
That makes two of us, pal.
198
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,648
It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.
199
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:15,660
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
200
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:17,992
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
201
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,927
I did... I didn't, I
didn't get into Yale.
202
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,626
I didn't... I didn't get into Yale.
203
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,498
What? I can't believe that!
204
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,901
Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale.
205
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,769
Too many rich kids with mediocre grades
206
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,001
and well-connected
parents this year, I guess.
207
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,634
No room for Rory, who's been working
208
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,303
since first grade to get into Yale.
209
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:35,540
Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.
210
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:36,809
I had it all planned!
211
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:39,283
It was perfect, B! Perfect!
212
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,979
And now it's nothing! Nada!
213
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,720
It's a goose egg!
214
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,851
Okay. Well.
215
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,120
God, Rory! Rory!
216
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,521
She's handling that really well.
217
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:53,462
College is for pussies!
218
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,464
All right. I got to
get out of here, pal.
219
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,968
Hang in there. All right, man. You, too.
220
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,732
Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr.
Schrader. I was actually just...
221
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:00,829
Did you have any cake?
222
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,397
No, you know, I'm not
much of a cake guy.
223
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,533
Oh, it is a hell of a cake.
224
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:06,578
It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.
225
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,170
Oh, ah, everything comes full circle.
226
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:10,272
Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...
227
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:11,646
Hey, Stu. Hey.
228
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,480
I can't imagine your
pride, knowing your youngest
229
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,953
is headed off to a good
college. Must take a load off.
230
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,250
Yeah, well, not to mention
231
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,587
the load it takes off my bank account.
232
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:22,783
Dad.
233
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,625
Nothin' like gettin' a load off!
234
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,399
What about you, Bartleby?
235
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,903
That's a good question, Mr. Harkin.
236
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:34,201
What's with the questions, Mr. Trebek?
237
00:09:34,941 --> 00:09:36,568
Where you goin'?
238
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,442
Um, I... I., well...
239
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:43,038
I didn't really, uh...
240
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:45,675
Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.
241
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,412
He's thrown his life away.
242
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,161
Yeah, that's... that's what
I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.
243
00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:48,412
Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
244
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,507
Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?
245
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:54,251
S.H.I.T.? I was wingin' it. Whatever.
246
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:56,014
Just finish building
the website, please.
247
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:59,785
This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.
248
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,589
Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.
249
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,721
Are you kidding me? No way. Why not?
250
00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:07,527
Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.
251
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,090
And even then, it's still a long shot.
252
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,295
Dude, I don't care. I
have to do somethin'.
253
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:12,428
The minute I lost my scholarship,
254
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,133
my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.
255
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,640
Help me. Please? Mmm.
256
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,667
You know something?
257
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:22,373
For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.
258
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:23,642
Sweet. But listen to me.
259
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:25,513
This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?
260
00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:27,108
Nothing more. Gotcha.
261
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,654
Bravo, guys. Great. Both of you guys.
262
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:32,782
Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.
263
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,792
Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?
264
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:35,884
That's how these things start.
265
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:37,292
You know something, Schrader,
266
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,830
you got into a great college.
267
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:40,263
And your future's lookin' really good,
268
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:43,062
and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.
269
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:46,764
I'm talking about me coming
to you, asking for your help.
270
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:48,703
Just finish the damn website.
271
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:50,364
Please.
272
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:54,339
What do you say?
273
00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:56,108
There he is! Fine.
274
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:57,911
Get off me, you idiot.
275
00:11:57,983 --> 00:12:00,247
But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.
276
00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:02,913
Your dad's gonna want to see
that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.
277
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:04,984
Hey, kids. Honey!
278
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:06,957
Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.
279
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,084
What's this?
280
00:12:09,161 --> 00:12:11,595
South Harmon Institute of
Technology? What's that?
281
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,291
Mmm? What's that?
282
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:16,232
One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.
283
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:17,394
Well, what's it say?
284
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,869
I gotta open it first.
285
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,303
Come on, hurry.
286
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,400
Oh. I'm nervous.
287
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,437
"Dear Bartleby,
288
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,315
"congratulations, you've been accepted!"
289
00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:33,612
I got in!
290
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:36,154
Aw, thank God. Thank God. I got in!
291
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,586
Hey-o! Oh! God!
292
00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:38,816
Honey. I'm okay.
293
00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:41,223
Hey, this is great!
294
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:42,317
It's so exciting!
295
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:45,158
What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.
296
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,630
Oh, it's one of Harmon
College's sister schools.
297
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,599
I've never heard of it.
298
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:50,796
Well, because it's the baby sister.
299
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:53,737
It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.
300
00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:55,364
You got any literature on this place?
301
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,807
Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.
302
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,502
You did it. You're a college boy.
303
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:01,874
Wow.
304
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,346
So you guys want to eat? Yeah.
305
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,289
Hey! I hate my life.
306
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,088
I'm a huge tool.
307
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:16,355
Have fun being hot.
308
00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:17,417
Bartleby!
309
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,060
Hey, Dad, what's up?
310
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:21,994
I took a look at that website.
311
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:23,261
Oh.
312
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,527
Cool.
313
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:25,661
It looks unreal.
314
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,171
Unreal?
315
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:29,673
Yeah, it looks pretty unbelievable, huh?
316
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,741
It seems like a solid place.
317
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,800
Really?
318
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,175
Here you go.
319
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:39,616
First semester's tuition. Paid in full.
320
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,283
That's great.
321
00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:44,254
Wow, thank you, Dad.
322
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,122
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
323
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,158
Thanks, Dad.
324
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:52,126
Your mother and I can't
wait to drop you off.
325
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,104
What we need to do is
lease a place near Harmon
326
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:00,604
so we can fool our parents. Yeah.
327
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,836
Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?
328
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,103
Oh, yeah, I do, actually.
329
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,804
I carry around a list
with me at all times
330
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,710
of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.
331
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:10,677
Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.
332
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:11,909
What do you want me to be, your realtor?
333
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,713
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
334
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:14,810
Hey, what's up, Glen?
335
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:15,876
Hey. Hey, Glen,
336
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:17,889
when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?
337
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:22,326
Since I got boned, hard, by
every college I applied to.
338
00:14:22,394 --> 00:14:23,554
Why, what happened?
339
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:25,289
Some political crap.
340
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,624
I got a zero on my SATs.
341
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,760
You know you get 600 points
342
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,359
just for signing your name, right?
343
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:37,765
All right, let's get serious, man.
344
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:40,277
Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?
345
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:43,406
Hey, guys! I know a place.
346
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,078
How'd you know about this place?
347
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,710
I used to do volunteer work here.
348
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:49,845
This place is awesome.
349
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,719
'Cause now I can finally get hepatitis.
350
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:54,088
A bird in the hand,
dude. A bird in the hand.
351
00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:55,649
That doesn't make any sense.
352
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,127
It's a saying. What?
353
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:58,823
A diamond in the rough.
354
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,492
Hope you guys have hobo-stab insurance.
355
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:05,896
Great. The birthplace of crack.
356
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:11,671
Hello, beautiful.
357
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,610
Hey! Hey, guys, don't go in there.
358
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:17,706
This is breaking and entering.
359
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,978
Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
360
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:23,188
Who's scared? I'm not
scared. You're scared.
361
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,951
Schrader, you were scared to
try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
362
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,391
I told you that in confidence, Hands.
363
00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:30,354
Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,
364
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,953
because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.
365
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,396
That's actually a legitimate fear.
366
00:15:33,465 --> 00:15:35,023
She was rifling through my shit.
367
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,931
Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.
368
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:38,526
Fine. I will.
369
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:40,967
Okay, guys, seriously,
370
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,406
I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.
371
00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:44,999
We don't have to
renovate the whole place.
372
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:46,408
We just have to focus
on essential areas.
373
00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:48,503
We got the... the main lobby. Hallway.
374
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:50,514
Dorm rooms. Dorm rooms, exactly.
375
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,743
I think this could really
work. Huh? It's awesome!
376
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:54,251
Can you hold that? Yeah.
377
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,083
Guys, a little can-do
attitude, some elbow grease,
378
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:57,452
maybe a smile from Schrader.
379
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,548
It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?
380
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,492
Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
381
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:04,324
Atta baby. The beginning of good things.
382
00:16:04,396 --> 00:16:05,420
Yeah.
383
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:16,838
Schrader, what the hell was that?
384
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,469
Um, this is embarrassing.
385
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:20,534
Are you kidding?
386
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:21,636
It would be really cool
387
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,182
if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.
388
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:44,928
Ready, set, go.
389
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,370
Whoo! All right.
390
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,598
Uh, whoa, Glen.
391
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,134
Oh, hey, B.
392
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:52,404
What are you doing here, buddy?
393
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,173
Rory told me about it.
394
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,680
What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.
395
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,307
But he didn't have any place to go.
396
00:16:58,384 --> 00:16:59,749
He got fired from the Kwik 'N Stop.
397
00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:02,048
Is that true? Why'd
you... Why'd you get fired?
398
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:04,146
I got fired for making a shrimp slushee.
399
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:06,282
That's disgusting. See?
400
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,586
Why would you do that, pal?
401
00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:09,854
'Cause I was hungry and thirsty.
402
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:10,917
Oh, God.
403
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:38,982
This kitchen is bitchin'!
404
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:41,220
And this'll be the bath...
405
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:45,495
Close the door. Shit!
406
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,929
Close it!
407
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:20,892
It takes 10,000 steps to
get from here to greatness.
408
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:22,456
And this right here,
409
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,464
this is step one.
410
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:25,830
Good luck, Son.
411
00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:32,602
Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?
412
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:33,702
Rejection.
413
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,848
The exclusivity of any university
414
00:18:36,915 --> 00:18:39,008
is judged primarily by
the amount of students
415
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:40,381
it rejects.
416
00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:42,680
Unfortunately, for the last few years,
417
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,813
we have been unable to
match the amount of students
418
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,688
that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,
419
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:49,727
primarily because of
our physical limitations.
420
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,059
But all that is about to change.
421
00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:54,557
Yale has one, Princeton has one.
422
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,100
And now Harmon College will have
423
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,329
the prestigious entranceway it deserves.
424
00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,961
A verdant buffer zone
425
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:02,472
to keep knowledge in, and ignorance out.
426
00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:05,236
That is a great idea, sir. Yes, it is.
427
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,971
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose, are chairman
428
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:08,774
of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.
429
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:13,580
I need you to secure all
these decrepit properties
430
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,279
in the neighboring community.
431
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,754
So that we can demolish
them to make room
432
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,882
for the Van Horne Gateway.
433
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,188
You know what?
434
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,786
This actually looks like the real deal.
435
00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:27,058
Guys, I don't want to
be too overly optimistic,
436
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:28,622
but I think this could work.
437
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:31,459
It really looks professional. Hello.
438
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,027
Hey, kid, where the hell are you?
439
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,231
Oh, I'm, uh... Listen.
440
00:19:34,306 --> 00:19:35,705
I took another look at that website.
441
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,537
What's all this "be what
you want to be" crap?
442
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,770
No, no, Dad, they just... they
just have to say stuff like that
443
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:40,937
just to keep from being sued.
444
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,072
Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.
445
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,241
Glen, go long. Set up
a meeting with the dean.
446
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,249
The dean? Jesus. Mother of hell!
447
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,185
Your college does have
a dean, doesn't it?
448
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,587
I'm good! Yes, of course
the college has a dean.
449
00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:53,920
Dad, you know, he's a
busy guy, though, you know,
450
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:55,721
he can't just, uh, set
up a meeting with parents.
451
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:57,887
Listen. If I'm paying for
it, I'm meeting with the dean.
452
00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:01,156
I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.
453
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:05,101
Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.
454
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:07,229
I gotta trim this corner right
here. I think I got poisoned.
455
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:09,399
What's up, B? We got a little problem.
456
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:11,339
What? Who was that, Bartleby?
457
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:14,035
We gotta find a dean.
458
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:18,446
In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.
459
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:22,383
You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.
460
00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:24,319
I want the Pump!
461
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,186
I don't got the Pump.
462
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:30,592
Look, oh, I got the Tim
Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
463
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,198
I want the Pump!
464
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,389
Listen, you insolent little snot,
465
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:39,198
there are kids right now in Asia who
are sewing your stupid shoes together,
466
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:41,899
so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
467
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:44,067
This is the worst idea of all time.
468
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:45,973
Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius.
469
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:47,272
He'll be fine. Mom!
470
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:48,335
What did you do?
471
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:49,971
You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.
472
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,278
You know what? Maybe he's retarded.
473
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,278
I'm glad my mother's dead.
474
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:55,581
He's just having a bad day.
475
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:57,019
Oh, my gosh.
476
00:20:57,456 --> 00:20:59,321
You want me to be the
dean of your college?
477
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,154
No, I want you to
pretend to be the dean.
478
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:02,250
It's just for one day.
479
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,921
Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.
480
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:07,864
I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.
481
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,025
Oh, really?
482
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,363
Yeah, well, technically, he was fired.
483
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,598
That's not true. I got fed
up with the education racket.
484
00:21:13,672 --> 00:21:14,764
So I quit.
485
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,432
I did send in my resignation
486
00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:18,408
in a rather unorthodox fashion.
487
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:21,469
You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.
488
00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:23,442
It was a metaphor. For what?
489
00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:25,039
For "You're full of shit!" Oh.
490
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,846
That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.
491
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,408
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
492
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:30,421
Three years from now, I'm
finished with this crap.
493
00:21:30,489 --> 00:21:32,514
I'm goin' to Papua New
Guinea. I'm outta here.
494
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,218
Wh-Where... Where you going?
495
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,692
I'm going off the grid.
496
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:38,389
No more, uh, franchises, no more Botox,
497
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:41,523
no more "Eh, oh, let's
clone another goat."
498
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,761
And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.
499
00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:46,770
What's wrong with
saying, "Hey! Nice tits."
500
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:48,237
When did that go out the window?
501
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,002
Okay, Ben, all I'm asking you
502
00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:52,373
is just shake a couple
hands with some parents,
503
00:21:52,444 --> 00:21:54,571
say, "Hi, I'm the dean," whatever.
504
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:55,806
What if we pay you?
505
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:58,543
Don't sully my dignity with your cash.
506
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:01,142
There you are! Did you
make another child cry?
507
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,089
It's not my fault the kid's
a crybaby! Little dipshit.
508
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,057
You're an asshole! You're an asshole.
509
00:22:07,125 --> 00:22:09,218
You are an asshole. And you're fired.
510
00:22:11,229 --> 00:22:13,720
Perhaps it is time to move on.
511
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:15,323
But I get to bring my house.
512
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,526
Deal.
513
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:18,330
Right or left? Right.
514
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,132
Whose right? Your call.
515
00:22:20,205 --> 00:22:22,503
You're an idiot! You're upset.
516
00:22:22,574 --> 00:22:23,836
Go with what you feel.
517
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,467
You got about 12 feet.
518
00:22:27,879 --> 00:22:29,039
Perfect.
519
00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:30,511
Asshole.
520
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,113
Okay, smiles, everyone.
521
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:34,709
First day at college.
522
00:22:34,786 --> 00:22:36,447
What's up with these
colors? Shit brown? Really?
523
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,352
Glen picked 'em. Of course he did.
524
00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:39,720
Where'd you find all these people?
525
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:42,692
Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.
526
00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:45,025
These are my students. I told
them if they wanted to pass,
527
00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:46,155
they'd have to successfully assimilate
528
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,664
into the American college environment.
529
00:22:47,733 --> 00:22:49,928
Whoa! The parents are here!
530
00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:52,469
Okay! We're on, guys!
531
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,471
Okay, people, it's showtime!
532
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,464
Wow.
533
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:58,475
No frills around here. Oh, none at all.
534
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:03,742
None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.
535
00:23:04,483 --> 00:23:05,745
The real deal, huh?
536
00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:06,909
This is it, kid. This is it.
537
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:08,816
The big moment. Take this in. Ah.
538
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,354
It's exciting, it's scary.
539
00:23:10,422 --> 00:23:13,721
It's really scary. Oh,
look! Oh, it looks great.
540
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:15,115
Okay.
541
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:16,785
What's going on here?
542
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:18,352
Okay, we lost one of the campers.
543
00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:19,658
Curious campers.
544
00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,562
What are you doing? Don't
do that. Don't do that.
545
00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:24,363
Honey.
546
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:26,734
Take it easy. Okay,
here we are. Let's...
547
00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:28,997
What the devil is that? Oh.
548
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:31,770
That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.
549
00:23:31,843 --> 00:23:33,105
It's college for you.
550
00:23:33,178 --> 00:23:35,009
Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.
551
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,638
Oh, uh, can you hang on a second?
552
00:23:36,715 --> 00:23:39,240
I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.
553
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:40,841
Oh, Jesus Christ. I just wanna...
554
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,409
No, no, no, no, no!
555
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:45,120
Uh, it's, that's, it's the men's room.
556
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,589
You can't go in there.
557
00:23:46,658 --> 00:23:47,989
Well, can't you just stand outside...
558
00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:49,856
Diane, can't you wait till
we get to the restaurant?
559
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:52,260
Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.
560
00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:53,627
You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.
561
00:23:53,698 --> 00:23:54,926
You jokester.
562
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,968
Here we are. You remember
Hands. Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
563
00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:58,502
Hey, hi. The fam.
564
00:23:58,570 --> 00:24:00,060
You look great. Well, thank you.
565
00:24:00,138 --> 00:24:01,765
When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?
566
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,102
I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.
567
00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:05,108
Mr. Gaines. Daryl, how are you, partner?
568
00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:06,337
Oh, thunder grip.
569
00:24:06,411 --> 00:24:08,811
Why are there bars on the window?
570
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:13,412
Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.
571
00:24:13,485 --> 00:24:15,248
It's fine. It's a good
learning environment.
572
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,311
Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.
573
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:20,290
Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.
574
00:24:20,358 --> 00:24:21,347
I agree with you, sir.
575
00:24:21,426 --> 00:24:22,415
What are these?
576
00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:24,894
That's in case of an earthquake.
577
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:26,897
Uh, never mind that. Hey,
let's go meet the dean.
578
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:28,193
Huh? The dean.
579
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,196
Come here, honey. Come on.
580
00:24:32,504 --> 00:24:34,267
Which way? Take a right there, Mom.
581
00:24:34,339 --> 00:24:36,466
It's gonna be fun.
582
00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:38,133
You know, a lot of people say
583
00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:41,236
that college is the time
when young men and women
584
00:24:41,446 --> 00:24:44,438
expand the way that
they look at their world,
585
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:48,043
when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences
586
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,610
and when they begin that long journey
587
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:52,714
from the innocence of youth
588
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:55,019
to the responsibilities of adulthood.
589
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:58,785
Now isn't that a load of horseshit?
590
00:25:05,971 --> 00:25:07,029
W-What?
591
00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:09,232
Could you explain that
to us a little more?
592
00:25:09,307 --> 00:25:11,468
Uh, Dean Lewis, why don't you tell them
593
00:25:11,543 --> 00:25:13,841
a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?
594
00:25:13,912 --> 00:25:17,643
Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids,
595
00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:19,980
in order to attract
them to going to school,
596
00:25:20,051 --> 00:25:22,212
in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.
597
00:25:22,287 --> 00:25:24,517
And we all know that all we're doing
598
00:25:24,589 --> 00:25:26,489
is breeding a whole new generation
599
00:25:26,558 --> 00:25:27,923
of buyers and sellers.
600
00:25:27,993 --> 00:25:29,392
Buyers and sellers!
601
00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:31,793
Pimps and whores. Pimps and whores!
602
00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:36,932
And indoctrinating them into a
life-long hell of debt and indecision.
603
00:25:38,637 --> 00:25:40,502
I... Um...
604
00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:42,573
I... I just don't understand.
605
00:25:42,641 --> 00:25:45,075
Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?
606
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,804
Look, there's only one reason
607
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:50,370
that kids want to go to school.
608
00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:51,540
Holy shit.
609
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:00,914
Which is?
610
00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:06,162
To get a good job.
611
00:26:09,467 --> 00:26:13,369
To get a good job, with
a great starting salary.
612
00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:22,712
I couldn't agree more.
613
00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:28,352
It is so refreshing to have somebody
614
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:30,684
approach education so rationally.
615
00:26:31,189 --> 00:26:32,213
Fuckin' A!
616
00:26:33,692 --> 00:26:35,683
Well, Dad. Ow.
617
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:40,920
Oh, Mom.
618
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:43,167
You make us proud, kiddo.
619
00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:44,496
I'll try, Dad.
620
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:47,098
Don't worry about anything, okay?
621
00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:48,935
Bye, honey. Seat belts.
622
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,371
Spread your wings.
623
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,706
I'm gonna fly. You gotta let me fly.
624
00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:54,301
Bye, Lizzie. Bye!
625
00:26:56,247 --> 00:26:57,236
Bye!
626
00:27:01,987 --> 00:27:03,579
So what do we do now?
627
00:27:03,888 --> 00:27:05,856
Well, my friend, we're in college now.
628
00:27:05,924 --> 00:27:07,152
We can do whatever we want.
629
00:27:07,826 --> 00:27:09,623
Gotta hand it to you, B.
630
00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:11,855
Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,
631
00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:13,227
and we're killing aliens, dude.
632
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:15,528
This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.
633
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,036
We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.
634
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:20,799
We're learning political
science right now.
635
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,504
What the... What the hell is that?
636
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,572
Who is it?
637
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:31,782
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir.
638
00:27:33,752 --> 00:27:34,912
Hi, there!
639
00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:35,975
What's your name?
640
00:27:36,054 --> 00:27:37,783
My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.
641
00:27:37,856 --> 00:27:39,289
But you could call me A.D.D.,
642
00:27:39,357 --> 00:27:41,621
on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,
643
00:27:41,693 --> 00:27:43,285
which is Attention Deficit
Disorder and you know,
644
00:27:43,361 --> 00:27:46,159
everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six,
645
00:27:46,231 --> 00:27:48,825
and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be,
646
00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:50,424
like, a fully functioning
member of society,
647
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:52,902
like my neighbor who has
Legionnaire's Disease.
648
00:27:53,905 --> 00:27:54,894
Oh...
649
00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:58,102
This is no longer a
mental health facility.
650
00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:59,734
I'm so sorry we can't help you.
651
00:27:59,811 --> 00:28:02,371
Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!
652
00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:04,813
Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?
653
00:28:04,883 --> 00:28:06,316
Well, unless I misread the website,
654
00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:08,318
I'm here for orientation!
655
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:13,381
Oh, you scared me for a
second. In more ways than one.
656
00:28:13,458 --> 00:28:15,323
Uh, you're looking for Harmon College,
657
00:28:15,393 --> 00:28:16,451
it's just right on up the hill.
658
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:18,086
But good luck, have fun. Go, Harmon.
659
00:28:18,163 --> 00:28:21,326
No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of Technology
660
00:28:21,399 --> 00:28:23,629
because, well, it's the
only place I got accepted
661
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,966
and I'm looking to pursue
my degree in English
662
00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:29,564
or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!
663
00:28:29,808 --> 00:28:31,969
Did you just say you got accepted here?
664
00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:34,011
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all did.
665
00:28:34,079 --> 00:28:35,068
What?
666
00:28:52,330 --> 00:28:53,820
Thank you so much!
667
00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:01,834
Oh, God. Holy balls.
668
00:29:03,007 --> 00:29:04,099
I'm sorry.
669
00:29:04,342 --> 00:29:05,604
Move, fool.
670
00:29:06,945 --> 00:29:09,812
Oh, look, there's my old
girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.
671
00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:13,145
You broke my heart!
672
00:29:16,387 --> 00:29:17,547
Please.
673
00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:22,688
Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No
parents allowed past this point.
674
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,695
It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.
675
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:26,094
We need to mold your
kids into individuals,
676
00:29:26,164 --> 00:29:27,256
and the first step is to
677
00:29:27,332 --> 00:29:29,425
sever the ties of the
parent-child relationship.
678
00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:30,798
Take him.
679
00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:32,427
We're just glad Larry got in someplace.
680
00:29:32,504 --> 00:29:33,835
He's your problem now.
681
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,271
Bye, hon. No biting!
682
00:29:37,342 --> 00:29:38,468
Hey, Larry.
683
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:40,540
Okay, good talk. Go on in there.
684
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,239
You're gonna fit right
in, Larry. Unfortunately.
685
00:29:42,313 --> 00:29:43,405
What are we gonna do?
686
00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:44,812
This is supposed to be a secret.
687
00:29:44,883 --> 00:29:46,043
Yeah, well, I guess the secret's out.
688
00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:48,551
You go check the P.O. box, I'm
gonna go find Schrader, okay?
689
00:29:56,861 --> 00:29:59,853
Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.
690
00:29:59,931 --> 00:30:01,660
Can I take your blazer for you?
691
00:30:01,733 --> 00:30:03,360
Get in there, your
future is right in there.
692
00:30:03,434 --> 00:30:05,197
Thank you. All right.
693
00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:12,867
Oh, shit.
694
00:30:12,944 --> 00:30:15,276
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
695
00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:18,374
Bartleby. Hey, how are
you? Hey, how you doing?
696
00:30:18,449 --> 00:30:19,677
Good. I'm so sorry about your jacket.
697
00:30:19,751 --> 00:30:22,219
Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even my jacket.
698
00:30:22,287 --> 00:30:24,482
Perfect. So, what are you doing here?
699
00:30:24,556 --> 00:30:26,786
I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?
700
00:30:26,891 --> 00:30:28,791
Uh, no, I haven't.
701
00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:30,691
Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.
702
00:30:32,597 --> 00:30:34,224
I'll catch up with you.
703
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:37,490
Hey.
704
00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:41,539
I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.
705
00:30:43,942 --> 00:30:45,807
This is fun. I'm just gonna hang back
706
00:30:45,877 --> 00:30:48,175
while you guys shoot
around and stuff, you know.
707
00:30:48,246 --> 00:30:49,713
Oh, shit.
708
00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:50,770
I got it.
709
00:30:57,288 --> 00:31:00,086
Oh. That's a... It's a G chord.
710
00:31:00,625 --> 00:31:03,287
I used to play in a
Cranberries tribute band.
711
00:31:03,494 --> 00:31:05,325
Uh, we disbanded.
712
00:31:05,396 --> 00:31:07,956
Hey, you're Sherman Schrader. Yeah.
713
00:31:08,032 --> 00:31:09,966
Hoyt Ambrose. Yes, right. I know.
714
00:31:10,034 --> 00:31:12,969
Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.
715
00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:15,005
That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.
716
00:31:15,073 --> 00:31:16,335
That I do. Right.
717
00:31:16,407 --> 00:31:18,136
I think about her when I masturbate.
718
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:25,307
What? What?
719
00:31:27,752 --> 00:31:30,118
I didn't mean to say that.
720
00:31:30,355 --> 00:31:34,257
Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.
721
00:31:34,325 --> 00:31:35,553
Oh, so you're the legacy.
722
00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:37,595
That's right. Legacy!
723
00:31:40,465 --> 00:31:42,524
You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.
724
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,067
Was it here?
725
00:31:44,135 --> 00:31:45,864
Uh, was it there? Was it...
726
00:31:45,937 --> 00:31:48,371
So... So do you go to
school here now, or...
727
00:31:48,439 --> 00:31:50,839
I don't. Uh, I go to South Harmon.
728
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,103
Did you say South Harmon?
729
00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:53,438
Yes, I did.
730
00:31:53,511 --> 00:31:54,671
Oh, what's that? Hmm?
731
00:31:54,746 --> 00:31:56,441
Wha-What's South Harmon?
732
00:31:56,514 --> 00:31:58,539
South Harmon is... It's a college,
733
00:31:58,616 --> 00:32:01,016
just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.
734
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,814
That's great. Well,
congratulations to you. Thank you.
735
00:32:02,887 --> 00:32:04,684
Hey, sweetie. Hey!
736
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:06,189
Oh, my gosh, I was so excited for you...
737
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:08,384
Actually, can you just give
me just one sec, okay? Thanks.
738
00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:11,121
Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.
739
00:32:11,462 --> 00:32:13,191
Floyd Pambrose.
740
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:15,664
That's weird. Our names rhyme.
741
00:32:15,733 --> 00:32:17,200
Yeah, that is pretty weird.
742
00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:18,895
That's kind of crazy. Welcome to B.K.E.
743
00:32:18,970 --> 00:32:20,995
Thanks. It's great. I love it here.
744
00:32:21,072 --> 00:32:22,903
All the sexually repressed energy. Oh.
745
00:32:22,974 --> 00:32:25,340
I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.
746
00:32:25,410 --> 00:32:27,401
I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.
747
00:32:27,478 --> 00:32:28,638
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
748
00:32:28,713 --> 00:32:30,874
Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?
749
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:32,541
Oh, no, thanks, man, I'm not into guys.
750
00:32:32,617 --> 00:32:35,711
I totally respect your lifestyle
choice, though. And good luck with it.
751
00:32:35,887 --> 00:32:37,752
Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.
752
00:32:37,822 --> 00:32:40,791
I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.
753
00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:42,917
I'll see you later, Thor. I mean Dirk.
754
00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:45,121
Uh, I mean Trent. Sorry, Troy.
755
00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:47,626
Whoop, sorry, Goldie.
756
00:32:50,168 --> 00:32:52,193
Schrader, where you been? I've
been calling you for half an hour.
757
00:32:52,270 --> 00:32:54,135
What the hell, man? I'm
in the middle of rush.
758
00:32:54,205 --> 00:32:56,435
I don't care, man. I
got a situation goin' on.
759
00:32:56,507 --> 00:32:57,997
This is huge for me, all right?
760
00:32:58,076 --> 00:32:59,976
You can't be here right
now. Okay, okay, okay.
761
00:33:00,044 --> 00:33:02,205
Remember that time we had to
steal my mom's birth control pills?
762
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,771
Yeah, and then Lizzie was
born. It's worse than that.
763
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:06,248
Where did these people come from?
764
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:09,047
Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.
765
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:10,747
What is happening? I'll
tell you what's happening.
766
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:13,689
I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.
767
00:33:13,758 --> 00:33:16,090
Hey, you wanted to fool your
dad. And the guy's not an idiot.
768
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,391
And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away."
769
00:33:19,464 --> 00:33:22,831
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click
away, you don't make it clickable.
770
00:33:23,768 --> 00:33:25,895
Oh, my... Holy shit.
771
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:26,993
Yeah.
772
00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:29,164
They all paid first semester's tuition?
773
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,071
Oh, yeah. 10,000 bucks apiece.
774
00:33:31,142 --> 00:33:33,372
I stopped counting after
the first 100 checks.
775
00:33:33,444 --> 00:33:35,469
That's $74,000,000.
776
00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:38,274
It's $1,000,000, Glen.
777
00:33:38,349 --> 00:33:40,214
Yeah. In human dollars.
778
00:33:40,284 --> 00:33:42,752
Okay, okay, okay. We gotta do something.
779
00:33:42,820 --> 00:33:45,482
Hey, don't look at me. Ask
one of the founding fathers.
780
00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:46,545
B?
781
00:33:47,091 --> 00:33:48,786
This isn't my deal, man.
782
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:52,057
I told you this was a
bad idea from the get-go.
783
00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:53,119
True.
784
00:33:54,098 --> 00:33:56,259
We could have a Battle Royale.
785
00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,498
Wow. What is that?
786
00:34:00,505 --> 00:34:04,305
B, you gotta tell
these people to go home.
787
00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:06,032
You are absolutely right, my friend.
788
00:34:06,110 --> 00:34:07,543
I started this, I'm gonna finish it.
789
00:34:07,612 --> 00:34:08,704
Thank you.
790
00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:16,675
Go.
791
00:34:23,661 --> 00:34:25,492
Hey. Hey, Glen!
792
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:28,759
All right.
793
00:34:33,938 --> 00:34:35,735
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
794
00:34:35,973 --> 00:34:37,941
Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.
795
00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:39,909
Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?
796
00:34:39,977 --> 00:34:42,377
Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.
797
00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:44,278
Just give me one second,
please. Hold on. All right.
798
00:34:44,348 --> 00:34:45,872
Who the hell are you?
799
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:49,352
Ah-ah. Okay.
800
00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:50,785
That's a good question. Thank you.
801
00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:52,755
My name's Bartleby. Hello.
802
00:34:52,824 --> 00:34:55,088
Um, Gaines, for what it's worth.
803
00:34:55,159 --> 00:34:57,127
And, um, you know on
the website how it said,
804
00:34:57,195 --> 00:34:59,254
"Acceptance is just one click away"?
805
00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:00,422
Do you remember that?
806
00:35:00,498 --> 00:35:01,795
We had intended... Hold on.
807
00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:04,596
We added that because
we were... Aw, shit.
808
00:35:05,136 --> 00:35:08,003
Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?
809
00:35:08,072 --> 00:35:09,903
When I got accepted here,
810
00:35:09,974 --> 00:35:13,102
it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!
811
00:35:26,357 --> 00:35:29,190
That's cool. Um, that's cool, man.
812
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:37,932
Hey, uh, just show of hands, how
many people applied to other colleges?
813
00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:41,170
Everybody. Uh, okay.
814
00:35:41,372 --> 00:35:44,466
And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?
815
00:35:52,183 --> 00:35:53,241
Nobody.
816
00:35:53,317 --> 00:35:55,046
Nobody got in anywhere else?
817
00:35:57,388 --> 00:36:00,050
And you know what? I didn't, either.
818
00:36:00,124 --> 00:36:01,682
I didn't get into a real college.
819
00:36:01,759 --> 00:36:03,624
A really, really good college.
820
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,161
I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.
821
00:36:07,231 --> 00:36:09,028
Rejection blows. Being said no to.
822
00:36:09,100 --> 00:36:10,829
You know what, I'm sorry, you're
just not quite good enough.
823
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:12,130
You didn't have enough extracurriculars.
824
00:36:12,203 --> 00:36:13,295
You didn't play enough tennis.
825
00:36:13,371 --> 00:36:15,896
You didn't study hard enough for your
scores. So you're not gonna make it.
826
00:36:15,973 --> 00:36:17,770
You know what? Screw that!
827
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:18,934
What's he doing?
828
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:20,136
I think he's winging it.
829
00:36:20,211 --> 00:36:22,771
Shouldn't we all have the
chance to be said yes to?
830
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:26,112
At South Harmon, we say yes to you!
831
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,277
We say yes to your hopes.
832
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:30,252
We say yes to your dreams.
833
00:36:30,321 --> 00:36:32,983
We say yes to your flaws! So welcome!
834
00:36:33,057 --> 00:36:34,490
Grab a room, grab a friend,
835
00:36:34,559 --> 00:36:36,083
grab yourself, we don't give a shit.
836
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,890
Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!
837
00:36:42,333 --> 00:36:43,493
Oh, man.
838
00:36:43,568 --> 00:36:45,297
And welcome to S.H.I.T.!
839
00:36:45,469 --> 00:36:47,300
You! I love you!
840
00:37:03,921 --> 00:37:04,945
What are you doing?
841
00:37:05,423 --> 00:37:07,118
Do you realize how stupid this is?
842
00:37:07,191 --> 00:37:09,250
You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.
843
00:37:09,327 --> 00:37:11,887
I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.
844
00:37:11,963 --> 00:37:13,191
They got rejected from everywhere.
845
00:37:13,264 --> 00:37:16,062
What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?
846
00:37:16,133 --> 00:37:17,760
You don't have a college!
847
00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:19,097
Hey, hey, hey, where's the bookstore?
848
00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:20,159
Oh, we have a deal with Amazon.
849
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:21,535
You just buy 'em with a credit card.
850
00:37:21,606 --> 00:37:22,698
When do we sign up for classes?
851
00:37:22,773 --> 00:37:24,240
Uh, we extended
orientation. You're fine.
852
00:37:24,308 --> 00:37:26,208
Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?
853
00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:28,006
Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas. Order them.
854
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,070
18 pizza pockets. What? No, no, no. 3...
855
00:37:30,147 --> 00:37:32,707
Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?
856
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:36,576
Who? What? Me, I guess.
857
00:37:37,188 --> 00:37:39,884
I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.
858
00:37:39,957 --> 00:37:42,391
I'm a college girl now! Aw, yeah.
859
00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:43,620
Wow.
860
00:37:43,794 --> 00:37:47,230
Uh, B, hey, uh, you just
started a fictional college.
861
00:37:47,298 --> 00:37:48,663
Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.
862
00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:49,961
Hey, do you guys have a swim team here?
863
00:37:50,034 --> 00:37:52,332
Yes, you know what? This is Hands
Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.
864
00:37:52,403 --> 00:37:54,928
He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.
865
00:37:55,006 --> 00:37:56,303
Thank you, though, thank you, I'm sorry.
866
00:37:56,374 --> 00:37:59,366
Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do
now? I just need a minute to think.
867
00:38:00,211 --> 00:38:02,270
What? What the... Holy shit!
868
00:38:07,184 --> 00:38:09,982
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!
869
00:38:10,054 --> 00:38:11,783
What the hell are you guys doing?
870
00:38:11,856 --> 00:38:13,721
What do you mean? We're
makin' the room bigger!
871
00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,521
Yeah, Thorgeous, but this is my room.
872
00:38:16,594 --> 00:38:19,563
Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?
873
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,222
Guys, I'd like you to meet Rory.
874
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:24,234
She is the resident
S.H.I.T. room assignmenter.
875
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,202
And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?
876
00:38:26,270 --> 00:38:29,398
Okay, uh, I... I guess
I'll show you your rooms.
877
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:30,770
Follow me. Thanks.
878
00:38:30,841 --> 00:38:32,138
Sorry about the wall.
879
00:38:32,209 --> 00:38:33,301
Oh, it's fine. Don't
worry about it, man.
880
00:38:33,377 --> 00:38:34,901
It happens all the time. No problem.
881
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,571
Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem
882
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,114
because you don't know
how to run a college.
883
00:38:38,182 --> 00:38:39,410
It's fine. It's okay. It's fine.
884
00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:41,974
We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.
885
00:38:42,053 --> 00:38:43,350
It will be totally calm.
886
00:38:53,064 --> 00:38:56,465
Ahoy! Scallywags and scally-ladies.
887
00:39:02,073 --> 00:39:04,371
Okay, dude, B, I'm
with you on this, I am.
888
00:39:04,442 --> 00:39:07,206
But we need a plan,
dude. We need a plan now.
889
00:39:07,278 --> 00:39:09,337
I know. I know. I...
I... I... I'm processing.
890
00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:14,147
You're gonna need to process faster.
891
00:39:15,753 --> 00:39:18,688
What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.
892
00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:20,983
- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.
893
00:39:21,058 --> 00:39:22,355
How you doin', kid?
894
00:39:22,426 --> 00:39:24,587
Dad, now is not the...
the... the best time to talk.
895
00:39:24,662 --> 00:39:25,686
Hang on, let me get your mother.
896
00:39:25,763 --> 00:39:27,196
Can I have this? Come
here, let me talk to you.
897
00:39:27,264 --> 00:39:30,461
Diane, pick up! Honey! Is it you?
898
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:31,796
Stop yellin' in the damn phone.
899
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:34,633
Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.
900
00:39:34,739 --> 00:39:36,172
How's school so far?
901
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:38,265
Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...
902
00:39:38,342 --> 00:39:40,435
Hey, someone here order two dozen kegs?
903
00:39:40,511 --> 00:39:43,207
The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.
904
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:44,508
What the hell was that?
905
00:39:44,582 --> 00:39:46,379
Sounded like he said
something about two dozen kegs.
906
00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:48,281
Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?
907
00:39:48,352 --> 00:39:49,944
Aw, no, no, no. He said
two dozen eggs, Mom.
908
00:39:50,020 --> 00:39:51,851
You misunderstood. Two dozen eggs.
909
00:39:51,922 --> 00:39:53,150
What took you so long?
910
00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:55,089
I've been building a thirst over there!
911
00:39:55,159 --> 00:39:57,753
Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.
912
00:39:57,828 --> 00:39:59,420
Tell me what classes you're taking.
913
00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:00,486
Classes?
914
00:40:00,798 --> 00:40:02,595
Uh, right. I'm taking...
915
00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:05,160
Statistics.
916
00:40:05,369 --> 00:40:07,530
And, uh, business
917
00:40:08,606 --> 00:40:10,267
and anatomy.
918
00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:12,138
- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?
919
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:13,471
Thanks, dude.
920
00:40:13,644 --> 00:40:14,770
Bartleby, Bartleby!
921
00:40:14,845 --> 00:40:15,834
Yeah!
922
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,944
Hey. I always wanted to go to college.
923
00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:23,680
Couldn't get in anywhere, though,
924
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:24,982
'cause I was in the military.
925
00:40:25,055 --> 00:40:26,079
Oh. Beverage ops.
926
00:40:26,157 --> 00:40:28,318
I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.
927
00:40:28,392 --> 00:40:30,053
Next thing I know CIA swoops in,
928
00:40:30,127 --> 00:40:31,958
does this whole brain-scramble thing.
929
00:40:32,029 --> 00:40:33,018
Now I can't remember anything.
930
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:34,689
So do you have room
at the college for me?
931
00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:37,791
You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.
932
00:40:37,868 --> 00:40:39,529
That's cool, man. Yeah.
933
00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:41,503
It's just I... I got my GI Bill,
934
00:40:41,572 --> 00:40:43,836
and I can pay you all
four years in advance.
935
00:40:43,908 --> 00:40:46,536
Okay, you're in. Yeah!
936
00:40:46,610 --> 00:40:48,601
Yeah, welcome to
South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!
937
00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:51,342
How's the processing?
938
00:40:52,716 --> 00:40:55,184
I just have to figure this
whole college thing out.
939
00:41:00,658 --> 00:41:03,786
Here at Harmon College, we
offer a highly structured,
940
00:41:03,861 --> 00:41:07,854
time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.
941
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:11,128
So, Mr. Gaines, you're
thinking about transferring?
942
00:41:11,202 --> 00:41:12,362
I don't know about transferring.
943
00:41:12,436 --> 00:41:14,028
My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.
944
00:41:14,104 --> 00:41:15,628
But I just kind of want to figure out
945
00:41:15,706 --> 00:41:17,264
what all this is all about.
946
00:41:17,341 --> 00:41:18,433
Sorry.
947
00:41:18,509 --> 00:41:21,774
A-And what college are you
attending right now? Sorry?
948
00:41:21,846 --> 00:41:24,440
The college that you're... Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.
949
00:41:24,515 --> 00:41:25,573
Pardon me?
950
00:41:25,649 --> 00:41:28,482
I'd like to look around, if
that's okay. Uh, that's fine.
951
00:41:28,552 --> 00:41:29,678
If that's what you'd like to do.
952
00:41:29,753 --> 00:41:32,244
Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.
953
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:33,312
Oh, shit. Sorry.
954
00:41:33,390 --> 00:41:36,120
That's all right. No. You know
what? Leave them, leave them alone.
955
00:41:36,193 --> 00:41:38,058
Leave it, leave them alone.
956
00:41:38,128 --> 00:41:39,527
And go on and take your tour, okay?
957
00:41:41,098 --> 00:41:44,431
A single rate of income
tax eliminates loopholes,
958
00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:46,493
allowances and exemptions
959
00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:48,731
as well as encourages payments
960
00:41:48,806 --> 00:41:50,865
through use of low interest rates,
961
00:41:50,941 --> 00:41:52,499
which theoretically would cause
962
00:41:52,576 --> 00:41:53,668
an economic boom.
963
00:41:53,744 --> 00:41:57,043
Now if you would refer
back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.
964
00:42:00,718 --> 00:42:02,447
So theoretically what
I was saying was...
965
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:03,578
This guy's pretty boring.
966
00:42:03,654 --> 00:42:05,485
Don't talk to me, man! Right,
this is gonna be on the midterm.
967
00:42:05,556 --> 00:42:07,114
And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.
968
00:42:12,429 --> 00:42:13,794
This guy's... EBITA!
969
00:42:13,864 --> 00:42:14,922
What?
970
00:42:14,999 --> 00:42:17,797
Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.
971
00:42:20,838 --> 00:42:22,169
Good afternoon, students,
972
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:24,173
and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.
973
00:42:24,241 --> 00:42:25,401
What the... What is this?
974
00:42:25,476 --> 00:42:28,240
We'll begin today's lecture...
975
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:36,686
Okay, great, yeah. I'll see
you in the library at 8:00.
976
00:42:36,754 --> 00:42:38,779
And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.
977
00:42:38,856 --> 00:42:40,323
Bye, Monica.
978
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:48,262
Monica. Hey.
979
00:42:48,332 --> 00:42:51,096
Bartleby. Hey, what, are
you stalking me or something?
980
00:42:51,168 --> 00:42:52,157
Stalking's an ugly word.
981
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:54,932
I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.
982
00:42:55,005 --> 00:42:57,303
I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.
983
00:42:57,374 --> 00:42:59,706
Really? Yeah. Do you
like all your classes?
984
00:42:59,777 --> 00:43:01,802
Yeah. I mean, well, I'm
taking a bunch of classes
985
00:43:01,879 --> 00:43:03,278
that I don't really care about.
986
00:43:03,347 --> 00:43:05,338
There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.
987
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:07,714
But, um, I ended up not being
able to. But, you know, it's okay.
988
00:43:07,785 --> 00:43:09,218
What was that one that
you wanted to take?
989
00:43:09,286 --> 00:43:12,744
Uh, ph-photography.
It's... Really? That's cool.
990
00:43:13,090 --> 00:43:14,682
Yeah. What was the problem?
991
00:43:14,758 --> 00:43:17,386
Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,
992
00:43:17,461 --> 00:43:19,258
but they said it's only
for journalism majors.
993
00:43:19,330 --> 00:43:20,991
And then there's this
art photography class,
994
00:43:21,065 --> 00:43:22,657
but they said it's for fine arts majors.
995
00:43:22,733 --> 00:43:26,066
So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something,
996
00:43:26,136 --> 00:43:28,036
because certain photography classes
997
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,437
don't apply to a degree in photography.
998
00:43:30,808 --> 00:43:32,776
Wow, that makes, that
makes no sense at all.
999
00:43:32,843 --> 00:43:35,243
I know. Um, but I'm really sorry.
1000
00:43:35,312 --> 00:43:37,803
I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.
1001
00:43:37,881 --> 00:43:40,679
It was good seeing you. Bye. Okay. Bye.
1002
00:43:41,819 --> 00:43:43,218
Hey, uh...
1003
00:43:48,125 --> 00:43:50,616
I'm... I'm just saying, I
mean, is that what college is?
1004
00:43:50,694 --> 00:43:53,322
What were you expecting? A
renaissance of the human spirit?
1005
00:43:53,397 --> 00:43:55,695
American education is in the shitter.
1006
00:43:55,766 --> 00:43:56,926
You know why?
1007
00:43:57,001 --> 00:44:00,095
Because people forget
the most important rule.
1008
00:44:00,337 --> 00:44:02,999
College is a service industry.
1009
00:44:03,340 --> 00:44:04,398
A service industry?
1010
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:08,206
As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.
1011
00:44:08,278 --> 00:44:10,337
Look, you see all these kids out here?
1012
00:44:10,414 --> 00:44:11,938
They all paid to come here.
1013
00:44:12,016 --> 00:44:13,779
Right. They all paid for an experience.
1014
00:44:13,851 --> 00:44:15,318
What kind of experience?
1015
00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:17,877
The hell if I know. I'm
not a goddamn mind reader.
1016
00:44:18,555 --> 00:44:20,250
Well, maybe I should just ask them.
1017
00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:22,256
Welcome to the conversation.
1018
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,055
What do I want to learn?
1019
00:44:25,229 --> 00:44:26,628
Why are you asking me?
1020
00:44:26,697 --> 00:44:28,756
Well, I'm asking you,
Glen, because I have a hunch
1021
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:30,663
that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?
1022
00:44:30,734 --> 00:44:33,931
Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.
1023
00:44:34,038 --> 00:44:36,529
Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuition
1024
00:44:36,607 --> 00:44:38,074
to learning more about
the culinary arts.
1025
00:44:38,142 --> 00:44:39,302
Huh? Food.
1026
00:44:39,376 --> 00:44:40,638
All right. All right.
1027
00:44:40,711 --> 00:44:41,939
Rory. What about you?
1028
00:44:42,012 --> 00:44:44,640
Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment
1029
00:44:44,715 --> 00:44:46,706
of every single day has been scheduled.
1030
00:44:46,784 --> 00:44:48,479
So what do I want to do?
1031
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:50,342
Nothing.
1032
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,486
Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like
it. Hands, what about you?
1033
00:44:53,557 --> 00:44:56,082
Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's
1034
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:59,152
coveted woodcarving award and next day,
1035
00:44:59,229 --> 00:45:01,322
ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.
1036
00:45:01,398 --> 00:45:04,162
Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.
1037
00:45:04,234 --> 00:45:05,292
Well, there may be something in there.
1038
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,429
You can think about that, and
then get back to me. All right?
1039
00:45:08,505 --> 00:45:11,235
Schrader, what about you? Well,
B, I'm glad you asked, actually.
1040
00:45:11,308 --> 00:45:12,673
'Cause since we're going to prison,
1041
00:45:12,743 --> 00:45:15,109
I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.
1042
00:45:15,179 --> 00:45:17,113
Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell
you something, though.
1043
00:45:17,181 --> 00:45:19,046
All our lives we've
been told what to learn.
1044
00:45:19,116 --> 00:45:21,311
Well, today the tide is
gonna turn, my friend.
1045
00:45:21,385 --> 00:45:23,114
Because today we're
gonna ask the customer.
1046
00:45:23,187 --> 00:45:25,246
What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?
1047
00:45:25,322 --> 00:45:26,653
What am I interested in studying?
1048
00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:27,713
Huh? What?
1049
00:45:27,791 --> 00:45:29,349
W-What? Come again.
1050
00:45:29,426 --> 00:45:31,189
That's a good question.
No, really, come again.
1051
00:45:31,261 --> 00:45:33,092
I thought you were supposed to tell us.
1052
00:45:33,163 --> 00:45:34,721
Please come again!
1053
00:45:34,965 --> 00:45:36,023
I want to meet girls.
1054
00:45:36,100 --> 00:45:37,124
Girls. Girls.
1055
00:45:37,201 --> 00:45:40,261
Some girls! Uh, girls.
1056
00:45:40,337 --> 00:45:41,497
I wanna rock!
1057
00:45:42,639 --> 00:45:43,731
You know, and roll.
1058
00:45:43,807 --> 00:45:45,638
Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,
1059
00:45:45,709 --> 00:45:47,506
is that I really want to
learn how to slow things down.
1060
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:49,273
More speed. More vert.
1061
00:45:49,346 --> 00:45:51,246
Maybe something with clothes, you know?
1062
00:45:51,315 --> 00:45:52,748
Putting them on, taking them off.
1063
00:45:52,816 --> 00:45:55,182
I'm really good at that
part. You wanna see?
1064
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:58,244
I want to learn how to
blow shit up with my mind.
1065
00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:02,558
Okay. Well, write it on the board.
1066
00:46:04,128 --> 00:46:05,117
Go ahead.
1067
00:46:08,699 --> 00:46:11,691
Okay, thanks. Okay.
1068
00:46:13,403 --> 00:46:15,098
All right. Thank you, smiley.
1069
00:46:15,172 --> 00:46:17,106
Pleasure doing business with you.
1070
00:46:17,174 --> 00:46:18,334
Yeah, buddy.
1071
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:27,750
Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.
1072
00:46:27,818 --> 00:46:29,752
If you're rich, the
government'll protect
1073
00:46:29,820 --> 00:46:31,651
every buck you make
and every shit you take.
1074
00:46:34,558 --> 00:46:36,958
Kiki Dee. Got a job for you, kid.
1075
00:46:37,027 --> 00:46:39,052
New school colors and
logo. You're in charge.
1076
00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:40,824
Really? Don't screw it up.
1077
00:46:40,898 --> 00:46:44,265
I won't screw it up, I...
I won't screw anything...
1078
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:10,486
What are you?
1079
00:47:41,592 --> 00:47:44,652
Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!
1080
00:47:44,728 --> 00:47:48,255
You get sick on a Friday, they only
pay for Monday through Thursday.
1081
00:47:48,332 --> 00:47:51,495
You go to Dr. A, they
only pay for Dr. B.
1082
00:47:51,568 --> 00:47:54,503
You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.
1083
00:47:54,738 --> 00:47:56,638
You mind if I join you?
1084
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:03,137
Ah, cool. Awesome. Thank
you, that was great!
1085
00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:04,771
I'll see you guys later. Okay, bye.
1086
00:48:05,082 --> 00:48:06,913
That's pretty, uh...
1087
00:48:07,351 --> 00:48:08,682
I know, right?
1088
00:48:08,752 --> 00:48:10,879
That's African fertility sculpture.
1089
00:48:10,954 --> 00:48:12,751
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
1090
00:48:16,226 --> 00:48:17,386
The wood speaks to me.
1091
00:48:17,461 --> 00:48:19,520
The wood speaks to you?
1092
00:48:25,736 --> 00:48:28,933
Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.
1093
00:48:35,479 --> 00:48:36,571
Thank you.
1094
00:48:37,814 --> 00:48:39,805
What is learning? It's paying attention!
1095
00:48:39,883 --> 00:48:44,547
It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!
1096
00:48:44,621 --> 00:48:47,988
And what's the worst thing that
can happen? You get bit in the ass!
1097
00:48:48,058 --> 00:48:51,494
Well, let me tell you, my
ass looks like hamburger meat,
1098
00:48:51,561 --> 00:48:53,620
but I can still sit down!
1099
00:48:57,968 --> 00:48:59,663
I can't believe this is a class.
1100
00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:00,725
Yeah.
1101
00:49:10,814 --> 00:49:12,008
Look what I did.
1102
00:49:12,683 --> 00:49:14,344
Ugh. What are those?
1103
00:49:14,418 --> 00:49:15,783
I call 'em GlenWads.
1104
00:49:15,852 --> 00:49:18,821
They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.
1105
00:49:18,889 --> 00:49:20,584
I'm not gonna lie to
you. They look disgusting.
1106
00:49:20,657 --> 00:49:22,818
This shit will get you
high on flavor alone.
1107
00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,555
Glen, I love your Wads. Hmm.
1108
00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:26,618
Glen.
1109
00:49:26,697 --> 00:49:29,860
This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.
1110
00:49:30,334 --> 00:49:31,892
Heads up, bro.
1111
00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:33,058
Whoa.
1112
00:49:33,570 --> 00:49:37,734
And it's so easy to
swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.
1113
00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:39,639
Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy. Sure.
1114
00:49:40,277 --> 00:49:41,642
Hey, how's it going? Hey.
1115
00:49:41,712 --> 00:49:43,304
Can I help you with something?
1116
00:49:43,380 --> 00:49:45,143
Aren't you that guy?
1117
00:49:45,549 --> 00:49:47,039
No, I don't think so.
1118
00:49:47,117 --> 00:49:49,085
You're not? I'm not what?
1119
00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:51,177
I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?
1120
00:49:51,254 --> 00:49:53,586
I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?
1121
00:49:54,224 --> 00:49:55,384
Wait... wait, let me guess.
1122
00:49:55,459 --> 00:49:57,552
You want me to sign your petition
1123
00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,460
banning minorities from
your yacht club. No?
1124
00:50:00,864 --> 00:50:02,354
I am the chairman, actually,
1125
00:50:02,432 --> 00:50:04,696
of the Student Community Outreach
Committee at Harmon College.
1126
00:50:04,768 --> 00:50:06,827
Ah! That was my next
guess. My next guess.
1127
00:50:06,903 --> 00:50:08,097
That sounds very important.
1128
00:50:08,171 --> 00:50:09,934
As a matter of fact, it
is! That's why I said it.
1129
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,304
And Harmon wants to buy this property,
1130
00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:14,435
so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?
1131
00:50:14,511 --> 00:50:15,671
I do.
1132
00:50:19,449 --> 00:50:21,007
Well, could you tell me?
1133
00:50:21,084 --> 00:50:23,416
Oh, yeah, I could. I could, Gunther.
1134
00:50:23,487 --> 00:50:25,011
Okay, well, are you going to tell me?
1135
00:50:25,088 --> 00:50:27,022
No. I'm not gonna tell
you. I will tell you this.
1136
00:50:27,090 --> 00:50:29,581
The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.
1137
00:50:29,659 --> 00:50:31,786
So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.
1138
00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:34,057
And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.
1139
00:50:34,131 --> 00:50:35,428
Oh, look out.
1140
00:50:35,499 --> 00:50:36,898
Open it.
1141
00:50:36,967 --> 00:50:39,458
Ah. Thank you for coming by.
1142
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:42,403
Have a good day. I'm
gonna go enjoy my Wad.
1143
00:50:44,841 --> 00:50:47,207
Hey! What the hell is this place?
1144
00:50:47,911 --> 00:50:51,039
South Harmon Institute of
Technology. The best college ever.
1145
00:51:02,626 --> 00:51:03,820
Is this a test?
1146
00:51:08,598 --> 00:51:10,259
Hey, Sperminator.
1147
00:51:15,005 --> 00:51:16,336
South Harmon?
1148
00:51:16,406 --> 00:51:17,634
Knock, knock.
1149
00:51:18,842 --> 00:51:19,866
Oh, hey, Gwynn.
1150
00:51:19,943 --> 00:51:22,411
Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?
1151
00:51:22,479 --> 00:51:24,379
You know, you're
missing the whole party.
1152
00:51:24,448 --> 00:51:27,940
Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?
1153
00:51:28,018 --> 00:51:29,576
No. How come?
1154
00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:31,778
No reason.
1155
00:51:31,855 --> 00:51:33,755
Hey, pledge.
1156
00:51:34,057 --> 00:51:36,150
Hello, knights of freedom.
1157
00:51:36,226 --> 00:51:39,059
Sperman, do you know why
you're dressed like this?
1158
00:51:39,129 --> 00:51:41,188
Because it's required for brotherhood.
1159
00:51:41,832 --> 00:51:43,697
Drink this. Okay.
1160
00:51:43,767 --> 00:51:45,064
No, wait.
1161
00:51:48,738 --> 00:51:49,932
There you go.
1162
00:51:50,140 --> 00:51:51,903
Good addition, sir.
1163
00:52:02,552 --> 00:52:05,112
Hey, Hoyt. Hey, what are you doin'?
1164
00:52:06,690 --> 00:52:08,180
Oh-oh. Hoyt.
1165
00:52:09,759 --> 00:52:11,590
Monica. Hold on. Shit!
1166
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:20,265
Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.
1167
00:52:20,337 --> 00:52:24,296
That's the kind of group-think mob
mentality that's dumbing down America
1168
00:52:24,374 --> 00:52:26,205
and flushing your
brains down the toilet.
1169
00:52:26,276 --> 00:52:29,074
B! We have a problem.
1170
00:52:32,549 --> 00:52:33,709
Virgin daiquiri.
1171
00:52:33,783 --> 00:52:35,876
And easy on the lime there, Eraserhead.
1172
00:52:35,952 --> 00:52:37,146
Comin' right up.
1173
00:52:37,220 --> 00:52:39,518
Lizzie. What are you doing here?
1174
00:52:39,589 --> 00:52:43,184
You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?
1175
00:52:43,260 --> 00:52:45,490
You are in college, aren't you?
1176
00:52:46,029 --> 00:52:47,121
What is that supposed to mean?
1177
00:52:47,197 --> 00:52:49,324
Come on, Bartleby. The jig's up.
1178
00:52:49,399 --> 00:52:51,264
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
1179
00:52:51,334 --> 00:52:53,199
Uh, listen,
w-w-what do you want?
1180
00:52:53,270 --> 00:52:54,430
$20,000.
1181
00:52:54,504 --> 00:52:57,029
What? No way! That's insane. Come on.
1182
00:52:57,107 --> 00:52:58,506
I'm not gonna play your little game.
1183
00:52:58,575 --> 00:52:59,803
I'm not gonna give you a cent.
1184
00:52:59,876 --> 00:53:02,208
How do you like that? How
do you like them apples, huh?
1185
00:53:02,279 --> 00:53:04,247
Fortunately, Mom and
Dad are on speed dial.
1186
00:53:04,314 --> 00:53:06,043
Oh. I'll ask them to pick me up here.
1187
00:53:06,116 --> 00:53:08,584
Okay, you're gonna call
Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.
1188
00:53:08,652 --> 00:53:09,846
You are bluffing with the best.
1189
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:11,581
You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.
1190
00:53:11,655 --> 00:53:12,781
Hi, Mom. Okay, stop it.
1191
00:53:12,856 --> 00:53:14,118
Anything you want, not money-related.
1192
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,215
Your Razor scooter. Done.
1193
00:53:15,292 --> 00:53:17,157
And a fake ID. No! That's ridiculous.
1194
00:53:17,227 --> 00:53:18,626
I'm not gonna let you drink.
1195
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,720
It's so I can vote, dumbass.
1196
00:53:21,431 --> 00:53:23,331
Oh. Okay, deal.
1197
00:53:25,569 --> 00:53:27,537
You need a Razor scooter to vote?
1198
00:53:29,072 --> 00:53:30,505
What do you mean, they're a college?
1199
00:53:30,574 --> 00:53:32,701
They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.
1200
00:53:32,776 --> 00:53:34,801
The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
1201
00:53:34,878 --> 00:53:36,743
What is this, some kind of joke?
1202
00:53:36,813 --> 00:53:38,405
No, I don't think it is, sir.
1203
00:53:38,481 --> 00:53:40,210
Mr. Ambrose, that is the one building
1204
00:53:40,283 --> 00:53:42,444
standing between me and
the Van Horne Gateway.
1205
00:53:42,519 --> 00:53:44,077
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.
1206
00:53:44,154 --> 00:53:45,781
Tell me that you're not that naive.
1207
00:53:45,855 --> 00:53:48,847
Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.
1208
00:53:48,925 --> 00:53:50,051
You're right. You're right, sir.
1209
00:53:50,126 --> 00:53:51,787
I know I'm right!
1210
00:53:52,262 --> 00:53:54,822
All right, don't worry. I'll... I'll
figure a way to get them out of there.
1211
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:56,889
What an excellent idea, Mr. Ambrose.
1212
00:53:56,967 --> 00:53:59,936
That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.
1213
00:54:27,397 --> 00:54:29,058
Coming through!
1214
00:54:29,132 --> 00:54:30,156
Ow!
1215
00:54:44,681 --> 00:54:45,739
Hey, what are you doing here?
1216
00:54:45,815 --> 00:54:48,283
I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.
1217
00:54:48,351 --> 00:54:50,012
It was so sweet, thank you.
1218
00:54:50,086 --> 00:54:53,180
Come on. Please, I figured, who
needs a life's savings, right?
1219
00:54:53,256 --> 00:54:55,622
Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.
1220
00:54:55,692 --> 00:54:57,182
You... You guys aren't
listed in the phone book,
1221
00:54:57,260 --> 00:54:59,125
and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.
1222
00:54:59,195 --> 00:55:01,663
Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.
1223
00:55:01,731 --> 00:55:03,824
Well, let me... let me show
you the rest of the place.
1224
00:55:03,900 --> 00:55:04,958
Sure. Really?
1225
00:55:05,035 --> 00:55:06,127
Yeah, of course. Okay.
1226
00:55:06,202 --> 00:55:07,260
Great. Great.
1227
00:55:07,337 --> 00:55:09,396
Let's, let's go. All right.
1228
00:55:10,407 --> 00:55:12,068
Two lava flows. Thank you.
1229
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:13,507
And keep your voice
down. People are playing.
1230
00:55:13,576 --> 00:55:16,272
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
Mmm. Oh, okay. Thank you.
1231
00:55:16,346 --> 00:55:18,143
He makes a mean drink. Yeah. It's great.
1232
00:55:18,214 --> 00:55:19,579
All right. Hello.
1233
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:21,139
How do you like your drink?
1234
00:55:21,217 --> 00:55:23,276
Yeah, it's really good, Glen. Thanks.
1235
00:55:23,353 --> 00:55:24,377
Does she like hers?
1236
00:55:24,454 --> 00:55:25,785
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, she...
1237
00:55:25,855 --> 00:55:26,981
Yeah, it's great. Thank you.
1238
00:55:27,057 --> 00:55:28,319
Okay, great, thanks. Okay, pal. Okay.
1239
00:55:28,391 --> 00:55:29,756
Ah, Glen.
1240
00:55:30,026 --> 00:55:31,789
Wait. So this is your course guide?
1241
00:55:31,861 --> 00:55:33,055
Yeah, this is a new pilot program.
1242
00:55:33,129 --> 00:55:34,994
See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes,
1243
00:55:35,065 --> 00:55:37,226
so we just, uh, write 'em on the board.
1244
00:55:37,300 --> 00:55:38,460
Really? Yeah.
1245
00:55:38,535 --> 00:55:39,729
Wow, that's so cool, B.
1246
00:55:39,803 --> 00:55:41,065
Hey, why don't you
sign up for one? No, no.
1247
00:55:41,137 --> 00:55:42,661
Come on. Sign up for
one. No. No, Bartleby, no.
1248
00:55:42,739 --> 00:55:44,331
It... It's painless.
I insist. Oh, really?
1249
00:55:44,407 --> 00:55:46,341
Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.
1250
00:55:46,409 --> 00:55:47,706
Okay.
1251
00:55:47,777 --> 00:55:49,472
Just stop me when you see
something that you like.
1252
00:55:49,546 --> 00:55:52,572
Okay. Oh, I like this
one. "Men: The Weaker Sex."
1253
00:55:52,649 --> 00:55:53,980
Give me a pen. Oh.
1254
00:55:54,050 --> 00:55:57,508
B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."
1255
00:55:57,887 --> 00:56:00,720
What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?
1256
00:56:00,824 --> 00:56:02,086
There's a wait list for that one.
1257
00:56:07,263 --> 00:56:08,355
What?
1258
00:56:09,432 --> 00:56:10,660
Are... Are you okay?
1259
00:56:10,734 --> 00:56:11,860
What?
1260
00:56:12,268 --> 00:56:13,667
What the hell happened?
1261
00:56:13,737 --> 00:56:15,227
An explosion of flavor!
1262
00:56:15,305 --> 00:56:17,739
I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!
1263
00:56:18,808 --> 00:56:20,469
Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me
1264
00:56:20,543 --> 00:56:22,977
that there are no tests, or essays,
1265
00:56:23,546 --> 00:56:25,946
or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?
1266
00:56:26,015 --> 00:56:28,006
That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?
1267
00:56:28,084 --> 00:56:29,278
Yeah. Never ever.
1268
00:56:29,352 --> 00:56:31,115
Ask me about my wiener! That's amazing.
1269
00:56:31,187 --> 00:56:32,814
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
1270
00:56:33,356 --> 00:56:34,846
Oh, no.
1271
00:56:34,924 --> 00:56:36,824
Ask me about my wiener!
1272
00:56:38,328 --> 00:56:39,659
What the...
1273
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:42,425
Ask me about my wiener!
1274
00:56:44,567 --> 00:56:45,659
Schrader?
1275
00:56:45,735 --> 00:56:46,963
Oh, hey, B. Hi.
1276
00:56:47,036 --> 00:56:48,128
And Monica.
1277
00:56:48,371 --> 00:56:50,430
Hey. Why... Why are you wearing this?
1278
00:56:50,507 --> 00:56:53,408
Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.
1279
00:56:53,476 --> 00:56:55,910
President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.
1280
00:56:55,979 --> 00:56:57,207
Oh, yeah, and look what happened to him.
1281
00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,578
He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.
1282
00:56:59,649 --> 00:57:01,617
Don't ask me how I know that.
1283
00:57:01,684 --> 00:57:03,811
Do me a favor, ask me about
my wiener really quickly.
1284
00:57:03,887 --> 00:57:05,184
Schrader, no.
1285
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,018
Guys, my brothers could
be watching me right now.
1286
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:08,614
Just ask me about my wiener, please.
1287
00:57:09,692 --> 00:57:11,683
Why are you doing
this? What do you mean?
1288
00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:13,228
Come on. You're... This...
1289
00:57:13,563 --> 00:57:15,087
You're humiliating yourself, buddy.
1290
00:57:15,165 --> 00:57:17,326
You know what, B. Don't mess with me!
1291
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:19,425
These are the happiest
times of my life, all right?
1292
00:57:19,502 --> 00:57:22,130
Schrader. I'm so
happy, I'm the happiest.
1293
00:57:22,205 --> 00:57:23,331
I'm happy!
1294
00:57:24,674 --> 00:57:26,835
Hey! Ask me about my wiener!
1295
00:57:27,677 --> 00:57:29,144
S.H.I.T. Rag. Hot off the presses.
1296
00:57:30,246 --> 00:57:31,804
Here you go, B. Thanks, Boner.
1297
00:57:31,881 --> 00:57:32,939
The S.H.I.T. Rag?
1298
00:57:33,016 --> 00:57:34,415
Yeah, come on, every
school's gotta have a paper.
1299
00:57:34,484 --> 00:57:37,112
There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.
1300
00:57:37,220 --> 00:57:38,312
It's really provocative.
1301
00:57:38,388 --> 00:57:42,222
As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.
1302
00:57:42,292 --> 00:57:44,021
And my advice to you is to stop worrying
1303
00:57:44,093 --> 00:57:45,526
before you spontaneously combust.
1304
00:57:45,595 --> 00:57:46,926
Yes, but you can't just do this.
1305
00:57:46,996 --> 00:57:48,190
To be a real college,
1306
00:57:48,264 --> 00:57:50,027
you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.
1307
00:57:50,099 --> 00:57:51,191
You need to be accredited.
1308
00:57:51,267 --> 00:57:52,894
Well, yeah, could you take care of that?
1309
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:55,904
Hey, B. Pancho, looking good, pal.
1310
00:57:56,206 --> 00:57:57,230
Who's that? Spank me.
1311
00:57:57,307 --> 00:57:58,774
That's, uh, the mascot.
1312
00:57:59,042 --> 00:58:00,407
Oh, it's the mascot? Yeah.
1313
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:01,705
A sandwich? Yes.
1314
00:58:01,778 --> 00:58:04,338
You're the S.H.I.T.
Sandwiches? Yes, we are.
1315
00:58:04,414 --> 00:58:06,507
You are taking this way too far.
1316
00:58:06,583 --> 00:58:08,642
How so? Oh, I don't know, man.
1317
00:58:08,718 --> 00:58:10,913
Maybe it's the pool, or the half-pipe.
1318
00:58:11,020 --> 00:58:13,580
That's not in the budget. I'm
re-investing in their education.
1319
00:58:13,656 --> 00:58:15,556
Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.
1320
00:58:15,625 --> 00:58:17,490
Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,
1321
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:19,551
noise permits, there
are insurance issues.
1322
00:58:19,629 --> 00:58:22,393
Come on. Insurance? What's gonna happen?
1323
00:58:30,340 --> 00:58:31,898
Oh, shit.
1324
00:58:35,345 --> 00:58:36,369
Wow.
1325
00:58:36,813 --> 00:58:38,144
Yeah!
1326
00:58:38,381 --> 00:58:39,712
Aw, shit.
1327
00:58:40,316 --> 00:58:43,251
We gotta do it again,
dudes. Left the lens cap on.
1328
00:58:43,319 --> 00:58:45,253
No, you didn't! Damn!
1329
00:58:46,756 --> 00:58:49,122
You know what? You're absolutely
right. This has gone way too far.
1330
00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:52,184
And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.
1331
00:58:52,262 --> 00:58:54,059
Thank you. Thank you.
1332
00:59:13,216 --> 00:59:14,683
Is this great or is this great?
1333
00:59:14,751 --> 00:59:16,480
It's pretty cool, man, but I gotta go.
1334
00:59:16,553 --> 00:59:19,681
The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.
1335
00:59:19,756 --> 00:59:21,690
And we're recreating the
scene from The Untouchables
1336
00:59:21,758 --> 00:59:23,885
where Roy, as Bobby De Niro,
1337
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:25,860
crushes my skull with a baseball bat.
1338
00:59:25,929 --> 00:59:27,692
Wow, what an incredible honor.
1339
00:59:27,764 --> 00:59:29,857
Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?
1340
00:59:29,933 --> 00:59:32,663
I got it on eBay. They
sell my shit on eBay?
1341
00:59:32,735 --> 00:59:34,293
You wrote a book? Yeah.
1342
00:59:34,370 --> 00:59:36,099
But that was back when I was drinking.
1343
00:59:36,172 --> 00:59:39,573
Come on, Glen, you can't
keep stringing us along.
1344
00:59:39,642 --> 00:59:41,974
Which one of us is it going to be?
1345
00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:58,125
Quiet, quiet, quiet! Quiet, shh!
1346
00:59:58,261 --> 01:00:01,162
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
it up for your fearless leader,
1347
01:00:01,230 --> 01:00:03,255
Bartleby Gaines. Come on up here, buddy!
1348
01:00:03,700 --> 01:00:04,962
Aw, man.
1349
01:00:05,034 --> 01:00:06,797
Thanks. Thank you. Get up here!
1350
01:00:06,869 --> 01:00:08,666
Come on up! I know you know this one!
1351
01:00:08,738 --> 01:00:11,434
Go. Go up there right now. Go, man, go!
1352
01:00:14,177 --> 01:00:16,577
How you doin'? Yeah! You the man.
1353
01:00:50,747 --> 01:00:52,681
I'm going to have that.
1354
01:00:53,016 --> 01:00:54,142
Shut up.
1355
01:00:54,217 --> 01:00:56,208
Look, where the hell is everybody at?
1356
01:00:56,285 --> 01:00:57,650
You! Hey.
1357
01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,415
Hey. How are you?
1358
01:00:59,489 --> 01:01:02,481
Aw, God, look, where
the hell is everybody?
1359
01:01:02,792 --> 01:01:04,692
This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.
1360
01:01:06,129 --> 01:01:07,255
Band, hey!
1361
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,798
Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?
1362
01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:12,262
Hey. Hoyt, hey.
1363
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:14,997
There's, like, some
big party down the hill.
1364
01:01:16,873 --> 01:01:17,999
Oh, that son of a...
1365
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:40,356
Hey! B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.
1366
01:01:40,430 --> 01:01:41,761
Aw, my God, you saw
that. I'm embarrassed.
1367
01:01:41,831 --> 01:01:42,855
I don't know what happened to me.
1368
01:01:42,932 --> 01:01:46,265
Someone possessed me, and... and it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.
1369
01:01:46,335 --> 01:01:49,065
B, is there anything that
you're not incredibly amazing at?
1370
01:01:49,138 --> 01:01:50,162
Yeah, it's funny you should ask.
1371
01:01:50,239 --> 01:01:51,968
There are very few things
I'm not very good at.
1372
01:01:52,041 --> 01:01:55,067
Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis,
1373
01:01:55,144 --> 01:01:56,771
not crying at the end of My Girl.
1374
01:01:56,846 --> 01:01:59,007
It gets me. And dairy products.
1375
01:01:59,082 --> 01:02:01,209
Which is good, because you
know I'm not really in the mood
1376
01:02:01,284 --> 01:02:03,047
for any dairy products tonight.
1377
01:02:03,352 --> 01:02:05,877
Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.
1378
01:02:05,955 --> 01:02:07,752
Let's see. All right.
1379
01:02:09,325 --> 01:02:10,986
This is my... Oh! Ooh!
1380
01:02:11,060 --> 01:02:13,221
I'm okay, I'm okay. I keep
forgetting this opens out.
1381
01:02:13,296 --> 01:02:14,854
It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.
1382
01:02:14,931 --> 01:02:16,091
Oh, no.
1383
01:02:16,332 --> 01:02:17,594
And this is
1384
01:02:18,835 --> 01:02:20,097
Mi casa.
1385
01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:24,262
Bartleby, uh, oh, my
God, this is amazing!
1386
01:02:24,340 --> 01:02:25,671
Huh? It's fine.
1387
01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:28,074
I mean, I like it 'cause
it's simple, and functional.
1388
01:02:28,144 --> 01:02:30,840
Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.
1389
01:02:34,117 --> 01:02:38,747
B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.
1390
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:41,883
There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.
1391
01:02:43,059 --> 01:02:44,117
Maybe it's a little bit much.
1392
01:02:44,193 --> 01:02:46,218
I've wanted one since
I was a kid, though.
1393
01:02:46,295 --> 01:02:49,128
Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?
1394
01:02:49,198 --> 01:02:50,460
Well, at South Harmon you're free
1395
01:02:50,533 --> 01:02:51,830
to kind of design your
own rooms, you know?
1396
01:02:51,901 --> 01:02:53,266
Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...
1397
01:02:53,336 --> 01:02:55,133
And I was thinking clap-on disco ball.
1398
01:02:55,371 --> 01:02:57,339
How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?
1399
01:02:57,406 --> 01:02:59,374
I would love a drink. All right.
1400
01:03:01,110 --> 01:03:03,510
Ah, touch�. Ahh.
1401
01:03:21,931 --> 01:03:23,489
This party's off the hook!
1402
01:03:23,566 --> 01:03:24,624
Hey, hey, hey, shut up!
1403
01:03:24,700 --> 01:03:26,167
All right. Where is that asshole?
1404
01:03:26,536 --> 01:03:29,471
Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.
1405
01:03:29,539 --> 01:03:31,302
Yeah, exactly, that was my point.
1406
01:03:31,374 --> 01:03:33,467
Well, I will have you know... Oh, now,
1407
01:03:33,543 --> 01:03:36,068
now I can't go back to your
past, but you can go back to mine.
1408
01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:38,875
That Christina Aguilera look did
very well for me, thank you very much.
1409
01:03:38,948 --> 01:03:40,176
Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.
1410
01:03:40,249 --> 01:03:42,717
I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.
1411
01:03:42,785 --> 01:03:43,843
You were at that party?
1412
01:03:43,920 --> 01:03:45,512
Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.
1413
01:03:45,588 --> 01:03:47,055
It made headline news at school.
1414
01:03:47,123 --> 01:03:49,284
And... And... And that day
something happened in my life
1415
01:03:49,358 --> 01:03:51,223
that I never thought would happen.
1416
01:03:51,294 --> 01:03:54,354
I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.
1417
01:03:54,530 --> 01:03:55,895
Never thought it would happen.
1418
01:03:55,965 --> 01:03:58,593
But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland."
1419
01:03:58,668 --> 01:04:01,762
Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?
1420
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:03,806
Well, 'cause the Gooch beat me to it,
1421
01:04:03,873 --> 01:04:06,569
and I was a little shy, and, uh...
1422
01:04:06,809 --> 01:04:10,040
Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?
1423
01:04:20,156 --> 01:04:22,181
You look like Carly Simon!
1424
01:04:22,558 --> 01:04:25,618
If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon,
1425
01:04:25,695 --> 01:04:27,253
and you look like her!
1426
01:04:27,763 --> 01:04:29,526
Are you having fun?
1427
01:04:29,966 --> 01:04:31,661
I'm having so much fun.
1428
01:04:31,734 --> 01:04:33,463
Let's go find him. Oh!
1429
01:04:38,207 --> 01:04:40,437
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
1430
01:04:44,380 --> 01:04:45,938
Sorry. One sec.
1431
01:04:49,785 --> 01:04:52,219
Oh, shit. Uh, I got a situation.
1432
01:04:52,989 --> 01:04:54,650
Come, come with me. Okay.
1433
01:05:02,698 --> 01:05:04,666
Hey, have you seen Schrader?
1434
01:05:05,601 --> 01:05:06,693
Excuse me.
1435
01:05:08,371 --> 01:05:09,531
Shit.
1436
01:05:10,273 --> 01:05:12,571
Monica? What are you doing here?
1437
01:05:12,642 --> 01:05:15,907
Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.
1438
01:05:16,646 --> 01:05:18,511
You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?
1439
01:05:18,581 --> 01:05:20,708
Actually, Hoyt, um,
1440
01:05:21,784 --> 01:05:24,014
I'm telling you it's
none of your business.
1441
01:05:24,954 --> 01:05:26,444
It's none of my business? Yeah.
1442
01:05:26,522 --> 01:05:28,114
Oh, snap!
1443
01:05:29,091 --> 01:05:31,355
Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.
1444
01:05:31,427 --> 01:05:34,362
The word "rejection."
She can be a real bitch.
1445
01:05:34,430 --> 01:05:36,159
But you don't have to give her roofies.
1446
01:05:36,232 --> 01:05:38,166
So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.
1447
01:05:38,234 --> 01:05:39,997
You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?
1448
01:05:40,069 --> 01:05:42,401
You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?
1449
01:05:42,471 --> 01:05:43,995
Battle Royale!
1450
01:05:47,743 --> 01:05:49,768
Uh, shit. Let's go, guys.
1451
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:52,937
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.
1452
01:05:53,316 --> 01:05:56,114
Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?
1453
01:05:56,185 --> 01:05:57,516
Have fun with these idiots!
1454
01:05:57,586 --> 01:05:58,746
Bye-bye. Bye.
1455
01:05:58,821 --> 01:06:00,254
Thank you for comin'.
1456
01:06:00,323 --> 01:06:02,223
Guys, let's get the
music back up! Come on!
1457
01:06:28,684 --> 01:06:30,811
Wet T-shirt party!
1458
01:06:48,871 --> 01:06:49,667
Mom? Dad?
1459
01:06:55,177 --> 01:06:57,008
Gwynn. Hi, there.
1460
01:06:57,913 --> 01:06:59,141
What are you doing here?
1461
01:06:59,215 --> 01:07:00,546
I'm your escort.
1462
01:07:00,616 --> 01:07:02,641
Induction night, big guy.
1463
01:07:03,052 --> 01:07:06,510
B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1464
01:07:06,589 --> 01:07:09,888
B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1465
01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:11,756
Sherman Schrader, you rock!
1466
01:07:11,827 --> 01:07:13,727
Aw, no! You guys rock!
1467
01:07:13,796 --> 01:07:15,889
Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!
1468
01:07:15,965 --> 01:07:19,162
Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have. Whoo!
1469
01:07:19,235 --> 01:07:21,669
I want lilac shirts! I want visors
1470
01:07:21,737 --> 01:07:25,104
kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.
1471
01:07:25,174 --> 01:07:27,142
I want to have sex with
girls that look like this!
1472
01:07:27,209 --> 01:07:29,234
You rock! I know I do!
1473
01:07:29,311 --> 01:07:31,541
You do, yeah, you do.
1474
01:07:32,515 --> 01:07:35,643
Do I get hair gel now, or do
I have to go and buy my own?
1475
01:07:35,718 --> 01:07:36,844
Did you crack him?
1476
01:07:36,919 --> 01:07:37,977
No.
1477
01:07:38,921 --> 01:07:40,354
We'll crack him.
1478
01:07:41,323 --> 01:07:44,622
Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?
1479
01:07:44,894 --> 01:07:46,020
Yes, sir.
1480
01:07:46,095 --> 01:07:48,586
153 majestic years, sir.
1481
01:07:48,664 --> 01:07:51,724
That is correct. Because it's
based on the most sacred principle
1482
01:07:51,801 --> 01:07:53,962
that brothers can share.
1483
01:07:54,036 --> 01:07:55,230
Trust.
1484
01:07:57,406 --> 01:07:59,374
And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question
1485
01:07:59,442 --> 01:08:00,739
whether or not I can trust you.
1486
01:08:00,843 --> 01:08:03,437
'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.
1487
01:08:03,512 --> 01:08:05,673
So with your allegiance
being called into question,
1488
01:08:05,748 --> 01:08:08,216
I just wanted to ask you just one thing.
1489
01:08:09,218 --> 01:08:10,480
Paddle.
1490
01:08:10,553 --> 01:08:12,885
That's actually not a question. Shut up!
1491
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:15,383
Are you with them
1492
01:08:17,893 --> 01:08:19,121
or are you with us?
1493
01:08:35,411 --> 01:08:36,673
Decent party.
1494
01:08:41,784 --> 01:08:43,649
Okay, I'll give you decent.
1495
01:08:54,697 --> 01:08:57,359
Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.
1496
01:08:57,433 --> 01:08:58,866
I don't know. I haven't
seen him in a couple of days.
1497
01:08:58,934 --> 01:09:00,196
I hope he's not sick.
1498
01:09:00,369 --> 01:09:02,530
Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!
1499
01:09:02,605 --> 01:09:04,232
Hey, "quick, quick,
quick," get up in here.
1500
01:09:04,306 --> 01:09:05,500
No. Oh, yes.
1501
01:09:05,574 --> 01:09:08,099
Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.
1502
01:09:09,712 --> 01:09:11,475
Gotta up the gorgeous quotient.
1503
01:09:12,114 --> 01:09:14,878
Okay. Get ready and now.
1504
01:09:14,950 --> 01:09:16,918
Cheers!
1505
01:09:18,120 --> 01:09:19,417
Schrader.
1506
01:09:21,624 --> 01:09:23,148
Schrader, come on, open up.
1507
01:09:23,893 --> 01:09:25,451
What are you...
1508
01:09:26,328 --> 01:09:27,920
What the hell happened to you?
1509
01:09:30,432 --> 01:09:33,731
Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.
1510
01:09:33,903 --> 01:09:35,564
What? What are you talking about?
1511
01:09:35,638 --> 01:09:38,300
They kicked my ass, until I
told them all about South Harmon.
1512
01:09:39,041 --> 01:09:40,338
Oh, shit.
1513
01:09:40,709 --> 01:09:43,337
They took my laptop, the
mailing list, everything.
1514
01:09:44,813 --> 01:09:46,610
Shit. Man, I'm sorry.
1515
01:09:46,682 --> 01:09:49,708
All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.
1516
01:09:49,785 --> 01:09:51,650
But not me, right? I can't have that.
1517
01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:52,778
Not me!
1518
01:09:52,855 --> 01:09:54,584
'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of me
1519
01:09:54,657 --> 01:09:55,988
and being an accomplice to fraud!
1520
01:09:56,058 --> 01:09:57,616
Does the run-of-the-mill
college experience
1521
01:09:57,693 --> 01:09:59,183
include stripping you of your dignity?
1522
01:09:59,261 --> 01:10:02,389
Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... a... a frigging hot dog suit?
1523
01:10:02,464 --> 01:10:03,988
It's a tradition. A tradition?
1524
01:10:04,066 --> 01:10:05,658
Yes. I got a tradition for you.
1525
01:10:05,734 --> 01:10:08,999
Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.
1526
01:10:09,071 --> 01:10:10,800
That's the only tradition I know.
1527
01:10:20,816 --> 01:10:23,011
I just messed up. I really messed up.
1528
01:10:23,085 --> 01:10:24,848
How? What happened?
1529
01:10:25,020 --> 01:10:26,248
With Schrader.
1530
01:10:26,322 --> 01:10:28,085
I know Bartleby is by the pool.
1531
01:10:28,157 --> 01:10:29,249
Oh, my God.
1532
01:10:29,425 --> 01:10:30,585
What is it? Cops?
1533
01:10:30,659 --> 01:10:32,559
Worse. Parents.
1534
01:10:34,396 --> 01:10:36,830
Mom! Dad! Great!
1535
01:10:37,066 --> 01:10:38,590
Hey, guys.
1536
01:10:38,667 --> 01:10:40,464
Bartleby! Hiya, kid!
1537
01:10:40,769 --> 01:10:42,794
Hey, oh, it's so good to see you!
1538
01:10:42,871 --> 01:10:45,305
Oh, it's great to see
you. Ow. You look thin.
1539
01:10:45,374 --> 01:10:47,774
There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?
1540
01:10:47,843 --> 01:10:49,174
Hey, hey, Dad.
1541
01:10:49,245 --> 01:10:51,907
Wha... What... What...
What are you doing here?
1542
01:10:52,014 --> 01:10:53,038
Well, Parents' Day.
1543
01:10:53,449 --> 01:10:55,508
What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?
1544
01:10:55,584 --> 01:10:57,211
Yeah. Oh, right.
1545
01:10:57,353 --> 01:10:59,446
Parents' Day. Of course.
1546
01:10:59,521 --> 01:11:02,285
Hello, everyone. Now,
welcome to Parents' Day.
1547
01:11:02,358 --> 01:11:04,553
And, uh, we're very
glad you could be here.
1548
01:11:04,627 --> 01:11:07,528
Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned
1549
01:11:07,596 --> 01:11:09,325
a-around the grounds and the campus,
1550
01:11:09,398 --> 01:11:11,059
Show you what we've
been working on all year.
1551
01:11:11,133 --> 01:11:12,760
So, welcome one and
all. Excuse me, everyone.
1552
01:11:12,835 --> 01:11:13,961
May I have your attention, please?
1553
01:11:14,036 --> 01:11:15,264
Oh, shit.
1554
01:11:15,337 --> 01:11:16,668
I knew I smelled bacon.
1555
01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:18,736
My name is Richard Van Horne.
1556
01:11:18,807 --> 01:11:19,831
Oh, Van Horne, yes.
1557
01:11:19,908 --> 01:11:22,433
The... The dean of Harmon
College, our big sister school.
1558
01:11:22,511 --> 01:11:24,479
Give him a round of
applause. He's earned it.
1559
01:11:24,546 --> 01:11:26,571
Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.
1560
01:11:26,649 --> 01:11:28,116
They are our big sister school,
1561
01:11:28,183 --> 01:11:30,413
and we are honored by their presence.
1562
01:11:30,486 --> 01:11:34,149
Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.
1563
01:11:34,690 --> 01:11:35,918
Ladies and gentlemen,
1564
01:11:35,991 --> 01:11:38,255
South Harmon Institute of Technology
1565
01:11:38,327 --> 01:11:40,852
is not the sister school of Harmon
1566
01:11:41,063 --> 01:11:42,655
or of anything else, for that matter.
1567
01:11:42,731 --> 01:11:44,494
More like cousins. Thank you for coming.
1568
01:11:44,566 --> 01:11:46,966
It is not accredited. Any...
1569
01:11:47,102 --> 01:11:50,071
Nor is it truly an
educational institution.
1570
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:53,907
Is this true, Bartleby?
1571
01:11:55,177 --> 01:11:57,668
It is a sham, a fraud,
1572
01:11:57,946 --> 01:12:00,642
that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,
1573
01:12:00,716 --> 01:12:02,343
and I invite you to confirm that
1574
01:12:02,418 --> 01:12:04,750
with the State Board of Accreditation.
1575
01:12:04,820 --> 01:12:07,084
To all those students
who have been duped,
1576
01:12:07,156 --> 01:12:09,488
good luck applying to schools next year.
1577
01:12:09,558 --> 01:12:13,790
And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.
1578
01:12:17,066 --> 01:12:20,399
Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish
I would have thought of that.
1579
01:12:21,670 --> 01:12:23,228
Oh, that's right, I did.
1580
01:12:23,806 --> 01:12:24,830
Oh, and by the way,
1581
01:12:24,907 --> 01:12:26,568
if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,
1582
01:12:26,642 --> 01:12:28,234
will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaks
1583
01:12:28,310 --> 01:12:30,278
when he's found guilty of fraud?
1584
01:12:30,346 --> 01:12:31,643
Cool. Thanks, D.
1585
01:12:31,714 --> 01:12:33,204
Er, was it G?
1586
01:12:33,649 --> 01:12:35,514
That's right, it's F. See you, F.
1587
01:12:38,387 --> 01:12:40,116
Guys, I can explain. Mmm-mmm.
1588
01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:43,681
You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby,
1589
01:12:44,093 --> 01:12:45,492
but this...
1590
01:12:45,961 --> 01:12:48,828
You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.
1591
01:12:49,164 --> 01:12:50,722
This is unconscionable.
1592
01:12:53,502 --> 01:12:54,491
Ridiculous.
1593
01:12:56,905 --> 01:12:57,997
Hey.
1594
01:13:00,442 --> 01:13:01,602
So,
1595
01:13:03,312 --> 01:13:04,973
none of this was real?
1596
01:13:05,047 --> 01:13:06,344
That's not true.
1597
01:13:07,950 --> 01:13:10,282
Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.
1598
01:13:10,652 --> 01:13:11,880
Monica.
1599
01:13:15,657 --> 01:13:17,022
Sorry, man.
1600
01:13:17,092 --> 01:13:18,889
It's cool. We tried.
1601
01:15:12,841 --> 01:15:14,240
Have you completely lost your mind?
1602
01:15:14,309 --> 01:15:17,073
Guys, the state defines a
college as a body of people
1603
01:15:17,145 --> 01:15:19,511
with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.
1604
01:15:19,581 --> 01:15:20,707
Well that's us, isn't it?
1605
01:15:20,782 --> 01:15:23,148
I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.
1606
01:15:23,218 --> 01:15:25,982
Uh, yeah. He's completely lost his mind.
1607
01:15:26,054 --> 01:15:27,749
No, no. Listen, all we have to do
1608
01:15:27,823 --> 01:15:29,450
is go before the state
accrediting board,
1609
01:15:29,525 --> 01:15:31,720
with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.
1610
01:15:31,793 --> 01:15:34,284
B, look, let's just
cut our losses, okay?
1611
01:15:34,897 --> 01:15:36,421
What are we talking about here, huh?
1612
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:37,829
We're talking about a
stupid piece of paper.
1613
01:15:37,900 --> 01:15:39,197
I mean, if a stupid piece of paper
1614
01:15:39,268 --> 01:15:41,168
is what's gonna make us acceptable,
1615
01:15:41,236 --> 01:15:43,033
then let's go for it. Why not?
1616
01:15:43,105 --> 01:15:45,573
'Cause you gotta remember, it's
not just about us anymore, okay?
1617
01:15:45,641 --> 01:15:47,700
It's about everyone who
went to South Harmon.
1618
01:15:49,311 --> 01:15:51,006
Ah, great speech.
1619
01:15:51,346 --> 01:15:53,439
I was inspired, I felt inspired by it.
1620
01:15:53,615 --> 01:15:55,549
Thanks a lot, I'm...
I'm taking it on tour.
1621
01:15:55,617 --> 01:15:56,709
What are you doing here?
1622
01:15:56,785 --> 01:15:59,447
Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.
1623
01:15:59,521 --> 01:16:02,820
Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.
1624
01:16:04,192 --> 01:16:05,386
Wait a minute.
1625
01:16:05,494 --> 01:16:06,756
Come on!
1626
01:16:06,828 --> 01:16:09,058
You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?
1627
01:16:09,131 --> 01:16:11,395
Well, someone had to do it, you know?
1628
01:16:11,466 --> 01:16:13,491
We all can't live with
our heads up our asses.
1629
01:16:13,569 --> 01:16:15,730
I disagree. I... I don't get it, man.
1630
01:16:15,804 --> 01:16:17,362
You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.
1631
01:16:17,439 --> 01:16:19,304
I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.
1632
01:16:19,374 --> 01:16:22,571
I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.
1633
01:16:22,644 --> 01:16:23,736
But then I realized,
1634
01:16:23,812 --> 01:16:26,337
I would much rather be the
first generation of Schrader
1635
01:16:26,415 --> 01:16:29,009
to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1636
01:16:29,084 --> 01:16:30,483
I said it, okay? I said it.
1637
01:16:30,552 --> 01:16:32,110
So you're saying,
1638
01:16:32,187 --> 01:16:33,916
you're saying you want
to be a S.H.I.T. head?
1639
01:16:34,389 --> 01:16:36,721
I'm sayin' I want to be a S.H.I.T. head.
1640
01:16:36,792 --> 01:16:37,816
I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
1641
01:16:37,893 --> 01:16:39,918
Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
1642
01:16:40,896 --> 01:16:42,124
Yes. Yeah!
1643
01:16:42,197 --> 01:16:43,255
Yay!
1644
01:16:43,332 --> 01:16:44,526
All right, so we're doing it.
1645
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:47,228
Thanks to this S.H.I.T. head,
we got a hearing set for Friday.
1646
01:16:54,209 --> 01:16:55,369
Don't sweat it, kid. I'm all over it.
1647
01:16:55,444 --> 01:16:57,173
All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?
1648
01:16:57,245 --> 01:16:58,405
If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.
1649
01:16:58,480 --> 01:17:00,675
Oh, don't worry, you're
young. Your butt can take it.
1650
01:17:00,749 --> 01:17:02,842
Hello, sir. Um, we're from South Harmon.
1651
01:17:02,918 --> 01:17:05,011
We have a 3:00 in Hearing Room A.
1652
01:17:05,087 --> 01:17:08,386
Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.
1653
01:17:08,457 --> 01:17:10,618
Why the change? It's bigger.
1654
01:17:16,999 --> 01:17:18,796
How did they... Rory called them.
1655
01:17:18,867 --> 01:17:19,925
The whole school?
1656
01:17:20,002 --> 01:17:21,469
I had to do something.
1657
01:17:23,672 --> 01:17:26,334
This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.
1658
01:17:26,408 --> 01:17:29,468
Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditation
1659
01:17:29,544 --> 01:17:32,240
for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1660
01:17:32,314 --> 01:17:35,147
Your case for accreditation
is being contested
1661
01:17:35,217 --> 01:17:36,946
by Dean Richard Van Horne,
1662
01:17:37,019 --> 01:17:38,577
representing Harmon College.
1663
01:17:43,325 --> 01:17:44,758
Loser. Loser.
1664
01:17:44,860 --> 01:17:47,727
In order to become accredited,
1665
01:17:48,163 --> 01:17:50,723
a school must meet three requirements.
1666
01:17:50,799 --> 01:17:54,257
You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.
1667
01:17:55,103 --> 01:17:56,536
Please state your case.
1668
01:17:56,872 --> 01:17:58,430
You're on, kid.
1669
01:17:59,007 --> 01:18:01,441
What? Wha... I thought you were
gonna handle this. What are you doing?
1670
01:18:01,510 --> 01:18:03,705
Rule number one, lead
with your star witness.
1671
01:18:03,779 --> 01:18:06,873
Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.
1672
01:18:06,948 --> 01:18:08,643
So, it's showtime.
1673
01:18:08,717 --> 01:18:10,275
Let's kick some ass.
1674
01:18:10,652 --> 01:18:13,177
You're gonna be great,
man. Just go do your thing.
1675
01:18:13,555 --> 01:18:15,147
Sling some bull.
1676
01:18:15,991 --> 01:18:17,253
Oh, God.
1677
01:18:17,793 --> 01:18:18,919
Okay.
1678
01:18:19,861 --> 01:18:21,089
Uh,
1679
01:18:22,097 --> 01:18:24,588
ladies and gentlemen of the panel,
thank you for meeting with us.
1680
01:18:24,666 --> 01:18:27,965
Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of
1681
01:18:28,036 --> 01:18:29,765
South Harmon Institute of Technology.
1682
01:18:41,116 --> 01:18:43,175
Sorry. Friends of mine.
1683
01:18:43,952 --> 01:18:45,749
Um, I'm... I'm sorry, first of all,
1684
01:18:45,821 --> 01:18:47,345
w-what were those three
things that you listed?
1685
01:18:47,422 --> 01:18:50,186
A facility, a curriculum and a faculty.
1686
01:18:50,258 --> 01:18:51,350
Facility, right.
1687
01:18:51,426 --> 01:18:53,291
Okay, well, we definitely
have a facility.
1688
01:18:53,361 --> 01:18:56,421
Uh, we have a common
room, we have dorm rooms.
1689
01:18:56,798 --> 01:18:58,527
Uh, we have a skateboard ramp.
1690
01:18:58,600 --> 01:19:00,090
We got a tiki bar. Umm...
1691
01:19:00,168 --> 01:19:02,830
They have leased an old mental hospital.
1692
01:19:02,938 --> 01:19:05,133
They have none of the
traditional support facilities
1693
01:19:05,207 --> 01:19:06,299
or resources.
1694
01:19:06,374 --> 01:19:09,775
Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?
1695
01:19:09,845 --> 01:19:12,109
Okay, uh, by formal you mean...
1696
01:19:14,850 --> 01:19:16,317
No. No, we don't.
1697
01:19:16,384 --> 01:19:17,749
A library?
1698
01:19:19,688 --> 01:19:20,746
No.
1699
01:19:20,822 --> 01:19:23,017
A health services center? No.
1700
01:19:24,025 --> 01:19:25,083
No.
1701
01:19:27,529 --> 01:19:28,928
Your curriculum?
1702
01:19:28,997 --> 01:19:30,225
Our curriculum? Yes.
1703
01:19:30,298 --> 01:19:34,200
Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?
1704
01:19:34,269 --> 01:19:37,295
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...
1705
01:19:49,351 --> 01:19:50,716
What is this?
1706
01:19:50,786 --> 01:19:53,619
Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.
1707
01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:57,717
This is a joke. "Slacking 101"?
1708
01:19:57,793 --> 01:20:00,057
Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,
1709
01:20:00,128 --> 01:20:02,323
how does one major in bumper stickers?
1710
01:20:02,998 --> 01:20:04,022
Sir, um...
1711
01:20:04,099 --> 01:20:05,191
I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.
1712
01:20:05,267 --> 01:20:07,497
I fail to see any merit
1713
01:20:07,569 --> 01:20:11,027
or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.
1714
01:20:11,506 --> 01:20:13,906
Okay, uh, guys, you
want to help me out here?
1715
01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:16,000
In "Taking A Walk and
Thinking About Stuff,"
1716
01:20:16,077 --> 01:20:18,102
we get to think about what
we want to do with our lives
1717
01:20:18,180 --> 01:20:19,875
in a stress-free environment.
1718
01:20:20,348 --> 01:20:23,806
"Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talents
1719
01:20:23,885 --> 01:20:26,183
by examining our
personal life experiences.
1720
01:20:26,254 --> 01:20:29,519
In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...
1721
01:20:29,591 --> 01:20:31,252
And physics. And aerodynamics.
1722
01:20:31,326 --> 01:20:33,226
In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"
1723
01:20:33,295 --> 01:20:36,662
we listen to the music and
lyrical angst of a lost generation.
1724
01:20:36,965 --> 01:20:38,330
And we rock our faces off.
1725
01:20:43,471 --> 01:20:44,665
They do.
1726
01:20:47,042 --> 01:20:49,374
Do you have faculty present?
1727
01:20:49,811 --> 01:20:50,937
Yes, we do, sir.
1728
01:20:51,913 --> 01:20:53,471
Faculty, stand.
1729
01:20:57,385 --> 01:20:58,784
What is the meaning of this?
1730
01:20:58,854 --> 01:21:00,947
See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.
1731
01:21:01,022 --> 01:21:02,887
Aw, this is preposterous.
1732
01:21:02,958 --> 01:21:05,984
Students are not and cannot be teachers.
1733
01:21:06,161 --> 01:21:07,423
Dean Van Horne is right.
1734
01:21:07,495 --> 01:21:11,693
You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.
1735
01:21:15,937 --> 01:21:19,964
Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?
1736
01:21:23,945 --> 01:21:25,071
Um...
1737
01:21:28,283 --> 01:21:29,580
Present and accounted for.
1738
01:21:29,651 --> 01:21:30,709
Oh, for God's sake.
1739
01:21:30,785 --> 01:21:34,585
Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.
1740
01:21:34,656 --> 01:21:37,090
We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s,
1741
01:21:37,158 --> 01:21:38,386
and he washed out.
1742
01:21:38,460 --> 01:21:41,452
He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.
1743
01:21:41,529 --> 01:21:44,089
Hey, asshole! You're talking
about my mom's brother!
1744
01:21:44,165 --> 01:21:46,156
Oh, sit down! Okay.
1745
01:21:46,234 --> 01:21:50,034
Hey! Why don't you take your
PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?
1746
01:21:55,944 --> 01:21:58,606
Settle down right this minute!
1747
01:21:58,680 --> 01:22:01,547
Dean Lewis! Sit down.
1748
01:22:02,517 --> 01:22:03,711
Order!
1749
01:22:05,387 --> 01:22:06,411
Couldn't help myself.
1750
01:22:06,488 --> 01:22:08,513
So, is that it, Mr. Gaines?
1751
01:22:08,590 --> 01:22:12,720
You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?
1752
01:22:15,230 --> 01:22:16,629
Mr. Gaines.
1753
01:22:17,866 --> 01:22:19,390
Answer the question.
1754
01:22:19,467 --> 01:22:21,059
Nah, I'm not gonna answer your question,
1755
01:22:21,136 --> 01:22:22,831
'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.
1756
01:22:22,938 --> 01:22:23,996
I'm an expert in rejection,
1757
01:22:24,072 --> 01:22:25,733
and I can see it on your faces.
1758
01:22:25,807 --> 01:22:28,173
And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we look
1759
01:22:28,243 --> 01:22:30,006
and not by who we are.
1760
01:22:30,078 --> 01:22:31,978
Just because you want
us to be more like them
1761
01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,537
when the truth is we're not like them.
1762
01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:35,879
And I am damn proud of that fact.
1763
01:22:38,153 --> 01:22:39,552
Rock on!
1764
01:22:41,089 --> 01:22:42,283
I mean,
1765
01:22:43,191 --> 01:22:46,683
Harmon College and their... and
their 100 years of tradition.
1766
01:22:46,761 --> 01:22:48,251
But tradition of what?
1767
01:22:48,330 --> 01:22:49,854
Of hazing kids
1768
01:22:50,598 --> 01:22:53,192
and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?
1769
01:22:53,268 --> 01:22:54,360
Of putting so much pressure on kids
1770
01:22:54,436 --> 01:22:56,666
they turn into these... these
stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
1771
01:22:56,738 --> 01:22:59,935
Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!
1772
01:23:00,008 --> 01:23:02,875
Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh?
1773
01:23:02,944 --> 01:23:04,605
You can have your grades, and your rules
1774
01:23:04,679 --> 01:23:06,510
and your structure,
and your ivory towers,
1775
01:23:06,581 --> 01:23:07,707
and then we'll do things our way.
1776
01:23:07,782 --> 01:23:09,773
Why do we have to
conform to what you want?
1777
01:23:09,851 --> 01:23:13,082
Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.
1778
01:23:13,154 --> 01:23:14,416
You know what? You're a criminal.
1779
01:23:14,489 --> 01:23:16,821
'Cause you rob these kids of
their creativity and their passion.
1780
01:23:16,891 --> 01:23:18,756
That's the real crime!
1781
01:23:18,827 --> 01:23:20,419
Yeah. Maybe he's right.
1782
01:23:23,298 --> 01:23:24,356
Well, what about you parents?
1783
01:23:24,432 --> 01:23:26,627
Did... Did the system
really work out for you?
1784
01:23:26,701 --> 01:23:28,293
Did it teach you to follow your heart,
1785
01:23:28,370 --> 01:23:30,634
or to just play it safe, roll over?
1786
01:23:30,705 --> 01:23:32,195
What about you guys?
1787
01:23:32,273 --> 01:23:34,104
Did you always want to
be school administrators?
1788
01:23:34,175 --> 01:23:35,608
Dr. Alexander, was that your dream?
1789
01:23:35,677 --> 01:23:38,077
Or maybe no, maybe you
wanted to be a poet.
1790
01:23:38,613 --> 01:23:40,638
Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.
1791
01:23:40,715 --> 01:23:42,842
Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.
1792
01:23:42,917 --> 01:23:45,147
Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.
1793
01:23:45,320 --> 01:23:46,753
I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry.
1794
01:23:46,821 --> 01:23:48,311
Dad, especially to you.
1795
01:23:48,390 --> 01:23:51,848
But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.
1796
01:23:51,926 --> 01:23:53,223
Life was full of possibilities.
1797
01:23:53,294 --> 01:23:55,455
A-A-And isn't that what
you ultimately want for us?
1798
01:23:55,530 --> 01:23:58,761
As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.
1799
01:24:01,369 --> 01:24:03,166
Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,
1800
01:24:03,238 --> 01:24:05,331
and something just occurred to me.
1801
01:24:05,407 --> 01:24:07,204
I don't give a shit!
1802
01:24:07,609 --> 01:24:09,042
Who cares about your approval?
1803
01:24:09,110 --> 01:24:11,908
We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.
1804
01:24:11,980 --> 01:24:13,641
'Cause there are so few
truths in this world,
1805
01:24:13,715 --> 01:24:15,342
that when you see one, you know it.
1806
01:24:15,417 --> 01:24:17,112
And I know that it is a truth
1807
01:24:17,185 --> 01:24:19,016
that real learning took
place at South Harmon.
1808
01:24:19,087 --> 01:24:20,816
Whether you like it or not, it did.
1809
01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:23,153
'Cause you don't need
teachers or classrooms
1810
01:24:23,224 --> 01:24:25,715
or... or fancy highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.
1811
01:24:25,794 --> 01:24:27,921
You just need people with a
desire to better themselves,
1812
01:24:27,996 --> 01:24:30,829
and we got that by the
shitload at South Harmon.
1813
01:24:30,899 --> 01:24:33,299
So you can go ahead, sign your forms,
1814
01:24:33,368 --> 01:24:36,030
reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.
1815
01:24:36,104 --> 01:24:37,833
It doesn't really matter at this point.
1816
01:24:37,906 --> 01:24:39,203
Because we'll never stop learning,
1817
01:24:39,274 --> 01:24:40,536
and we'll never stop growing,
1818
01:24:40,608 --> 01:24:42,872
and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in us
1819
01:24:42,944 --> 01:24:44,172
at our place.
1820
01:24:44,245 --> 01:24:45,712
'Cause we are S.H.I.T. heads now,
1821
01:24:45,780 --> 01:24:47,304
and we'll be S.H.I.T. heads forever
1822
01:24:47,382 --> 01:24:49,441
and nothing you can say or do or stamp
1823
01:24:49,517 --> 01:24:51,417
can take that away from us! So go!
1824
01:24:57,759 --> 01:24:59,090
Go ahead!
1825
01:25:04,032 --> 01:25:05,226
Everyone,
1826
01:25:05,300 --> 01:25:07,131
please, quiet down.
1827
01:25:07,569 --> 01:25:09,332
Everyone, please quiet down.
1828
01:25:09,671 --> 01:25:11,298
Quiet down. Please.
1829
01:25:13,274 --> 01:25:14,605
Thank you.
1830
01:25:28,990 --> 01:25:30,389
Mr. Gaines,
1831
01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:34,254
your presentation was unorthodox,
1832
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:35,759
to say the least,
1833
01:25:35,830 --> 01:25:37,457
and your methodology is
1834
01:25:37,532 --> 01:25:39,329
questionable at best.
1835
01:25:39,400 --> 01:25:40,492
However,
1836
01:25:40,568 --> 01:25:44,595
the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity
1837
01:25:44,672 --> 01:25:47,004
and the passions of the student body.
1838
01:25:47,075 --> 01:25:49,976
And in that regard you
have certainly succeeded.
1839
01:25:51,212 --> 01:25:54,704
This board does not reject innovation,
1840
01:25:54,782 --> 01:25:56,909
but it must be watched carefully.
1841
01:25:56,985 --> 01:25:58,316
Therefore,
1842
01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,114
the South Harmon Institute of Technology
1843
01:26:01,189 --> 01:26:04,352
will be granted a one-year
probationary period
1844
01:26:04,425 --> 01:26:07,861
in which to continue its
experimental programs.
1845
01:26:09,164 --> 01:26:12,361
Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.
1846
01:26:13,101 --> 01:26:14,398
Congratulations.
1847
01:26:29,551 --> 01:26:30,950
Mr. Gaines?
1848
01:26:31,886 --> 01:26:33,012
Trombone.
1849
01:26:33,087 --> 01:26:34,179
What?
1850
01:26:34,255 --> 01:26:36,382
I wanted to play jazz trombone.
1851
01:26:37,692 --> 01:26:39,660
It's never too late, sir.
1852
01:26:39,727 --> 01:26:41,092
Thank you.
1853
01:26:50,405 --> 01:26:51,565
Hey. Hey.
1854
01:26:51,639 --> 01:26:53,163
What are you doing here?
1855
01:26:53,241 --> 01:26:55,709
I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life
1856
01:26:55,777 --> 01:26:58,507
that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.
1857
01:26:58,580 --> 01:27:01,208
So, why can't the opposite be true?
1858
01:27:15,230 --> 01:27:19,633
This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.
1859
01:27:19,701 --> 01:27:22,329
You have been orientated for years.
1860
01:27:22,403 --> 01:27:24,530
Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"
1861
01:27:24,606 --> 01:27:27,268
I'm not interested! You figure it out.
1862
01:27:27,709 --> 01:27:29,336
I only wanted big
things for you, Bartleby.
1863
01:27:29,410 --> 01:27:30,843
I'd say this is pretty big.
1864
01:27:30,912 --> 01:27:32,539
Thanks, Dad. Ah!
1865
01:27:33,381 --> 01:27:34,439
Thanks, Pop.
1866
01:27:34,515 --> 01:27:36,483
Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.
1867
01:27:36,551 --> 01:27:38,917
Okay, I will. I love
you. Lizzie, up top.
1868
01:27:40,755 --> 01:27:42,279
Wasn't enthusiastic, but I'll take it.
1869
01:27:42,357 --> 01:27:43,949
And I appreciate the smile.
1870
01:27:44,025 --> 01:27:46,391
Schrads! Hey, no time
for chit-chat, my friend.
1871
01:27:46,461 --> 01:27:49,157
I'm teaching "Skepticism 401." Sha-mon!
1872
01:27:49,297 --> 01:27:51,356
At South Harmon, we like
to begin each semester
1873
01:27:51,432 --> 01:27:54,799
by clearing our minds and
doing some deep breathing.
1874
01:27:55,703 --> 01:27:59,434
I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!
1875
01:27:59,674 --> 01:28:02,108
Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.
1876
01:28:02,176 --> 01:28:03,370
Pronto!
1877
01:28:03,745 --> 01:28:06,236
And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.
1878
01:28:06,314 --> 01:28:08,407
Tomorrow we're gonna go kosher.
1879
01:28:09,017 --> 01:28:11,110
South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunity
1880
01:28:11,185 --> 01:28:12,743
to rediscover my passion for the arts.
1881
01:28:12,820 --> 01:28:15,186
So I urge you guys to do the
same. Let it come from the heart.
1882
01:28:15,256 --> 01:28:18,020
Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.
1883
01:28:18,092 --> 01:28:19,616
You agree? Watch... Watch the tip.
1884
01:28:19,794 --> 01:28:21,091
Excuse me.
1885
01:28:21,162 --> 01:28:22,322
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1886
01:28:22,397 --> 01:28:25,093
If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.
1887
01:28:25,166 --> 01:28:26,997
Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody around
1888
01:28:27,068 --> 01:28:29,332
that could show me to my
new dorm room, would there?
1889
01:28:29,404 --> 01:28:32,396
As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.
1890
01:28:32,507 --> 01:28:34,031
Really? They're not
adjoining though, right?
1891
01:28:34,108 --> 01:28:36,133
Oh, no, no, no. That would
be totally unacceptable.
1892
01:28:37,111 --> 01:28:39,511
And do me a favor. Enjoy your time here.
1893
01:28:39,580 --> 01:28:42,276
You got four years, these are
the best years of your life.
1894
01:28:42,350 --> 01:28:44,113
And then, you're.
1895
01:29:04,605 --> 01:29:06,038
I told you.