1
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:14,730
We're cleaning
the house, baby.
2
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,542
Pick him up.
I got him. I got him.
3
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:19,836
Yeah!
4
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,141
Nice shot.
He got lucky.
5
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:23,148
Nice pass. Here we go. Ball.
6
00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:24,847
I got him.
7
00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:26,682
Don't let him shoot it!
8
00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:29,922
Come on, come on!
Put it up, Chuck!
9
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:32,856
Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man.
All day, all day!
10
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,087
Yeah, Tony!
11
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,492
Tony, tag him.
12
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,156
Good steal.
13
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:39,459
Take the ball. Take the ball.
14
00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:40,521
Come on!
15
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:41,993
Yeah!
16
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,430
Come on, come on. Come on.
17
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:46,769
Feel the power!
18
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,898
Foul! Foul!
19
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,066
That wasn't a foul.
20
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:50,541
Chuck!
Shoot. That's it!
21
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,305
Chuck!
Shoot it, man!
22
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,676
Chuck! Chuck!
I need to talk to you!
23
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:59,310
Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you?
You sound so upset.
24
00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:02,752
You slept with my twin sister on Saturday.
That's why I'm so upset!
25
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,187
How do you know
for sure it wasn't you?
26
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,054
'Cause I wasn't there.
27
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,821
It sure looked like
you were there to me.
28
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:09,225
Oh, he's dead.
29
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,389
Come on, let's figure this out together.
This is a tricky situation.
30
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,933
Do me a favor. Say, "Oh, Chuck,
keep buttering my biscuit."
31
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,025
Get out of here.
32
00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,935
No, I'm trying to do detective work here,
so we can both be happy.
33
00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:21,496
I'm confused, too.
I feel violated!
34
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:25,971
Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit.
35
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,379
You're right, that wasn't you.
36
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,143
You are such a loser, Chuck!
37
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:31,547
Let it go, Darla.
38
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:32,880
Hey, look who's here.
39
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:35,546
He has moved up
from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's.
40
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:38,182
He didn't even know
it was you that night, Donna!
41
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:39,623
That's a joke!
He thought it was me!
42
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:40,784
He knew it wasn't you
43
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,021
because you would never do
half the freaky stuff that we did!
44
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,393
Don't tell me I don't know
how to satisfy a man!
45
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:45,624
You show up here in your...
46
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,063
You shut your mouth,
you fat-ass!
47
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,394
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, girls, look, come on.
48
00:02:49,469 --> 00:02:51,528
Now, don't fight, you two.
You're sisters.
49
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:52,935
Give each other a kiss
and make up.
50
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,169
You're the only sisters you got.
Use your tongues.
51
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,573
You dare us to?
52
00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:00,010
Unless that's too freaky
for Darla over here.
53
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:04,908
You'd be surprised
just how freaky I can get.
54
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,312
I'm sorry,
right now you gotta prove it to me.
55
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,515
Come forward. That's right.
56
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,424
Saved by the bell, girls.
Yeah.
57
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:20,998
Hear the bell, gentlemen?
Let's go! Time to make a living!
58
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,433
Somewhere something is burning!
59
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,167
What we got?
60
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:33,007
Both companies, first due,
phone alarm. Prospect Place...
61
00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:36,674
Larry, Larry, let's go.
All right, somebody call Larry a cab.
62
00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:38,046
Shut up.
63
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,379
Fat-ass!
64
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:46,219
Chuck, you said you were gonna
sign Mr. February for me!
65
00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:48,817
I will. I just gotta go
save the city first.
66
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:49,953
I'll call you!
I'll call you!
67
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:51,257
No, I'm gonna call him!
68
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:52,764
No, I'm gonna call him!
69
00:03:57,337 --> 00:03:58,929
Hey, who's this guy?
70
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:02,406
He's a transfer
from Engine Company 12. Name's Duncan.
71
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:04,534
They say he put his captain
through a wall.
72
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:05,839
For what?
73
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,777
Don't know.
Don't want to know.
74
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:10,111
And my advice,
don't ask him.
75
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:11,880
Hey, you.
76
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:16,621
My friend Karl here says
you're an ax murderer. Is that true?
77
00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:19,889
See, you're wrong, Karl.
This is Karl, by the way.
78
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:23,725
He lives at 845 Rutland Road,
Apartment 4C. Right?
79
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:40,369
Four floors fully involved.
80
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,073
Be nice to have
some more ladders up here.
81
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:43,172
Going in alive.
82
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,240
Coming out the same way.
Let's go.
83
00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:47,143
Help me!
84
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,984
Please! My son is up there!
85
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:51,080
My baby!
All right.
86
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,249
All right, all right,
we'll get your baby.
87
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:53,314
Bernie!
We'll get your baby.
88
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,190
My baby Bernie! Please!
Calm down, calm down.
89
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:56,250
Please!
It's all right.
90
00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,622
Chuck, you got the keys.
Use them.
You got it, Chief.
91
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,030
All right.
92
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:04,564
Thing's a pain in my ass.
93
00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,036
It's open.
94
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,404
Show off.
95
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,513
Bernie! Bernie!
96
00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:16,013
I'm up here!
97
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:17,208
Hang in there, little man!
98
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:18,750
Hurry!
99
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:19,978
Up the stairs.
100
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,077
Let me hear that voice!
101
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,280
I'm up here in my room!
102
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,982
All right, try and stay calm.
Come on.
103
00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,427
Where you at, buddy?
Hey!
104
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:33,829
Let's hear that voice!
105
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,629
I'm over here!
106
00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:42,664
All right, let's find a new way in.
107
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:47,606
Help me.
108
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:50,943
Yes!
109
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,845
All right, all right.
110
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,853
Oh, thank God!
111
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,946
Holy Shamu.
112
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,583
I'm sorry.
I can't get out of bed.
113
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,183
There's a bed under there?
114
00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:02,955
Can you walk at all?
115
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,860
I haven't walked
in five years!
116
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,923
All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship
on this guy, we'll get him out of here.
117
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,833
No, no, we can do this. People lift cars.
It's adrenaline, you know?
118
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:13,030
Well, cars.
This guy's more like a freaking minivan.
119
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,074
Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you
out of here. Come on.
120
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:16,472
How's my mom?
Your ma?
121
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:19,375
If she survived the birthing process,
nothing's gonna take her down.
122
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,935
So, what, just grab a side,
Chuck, come on.
123
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,139
Get a side there.
What do you mean, get him?
124
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,239
What are we gonna do here?
Come on, just...
125
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,113
Come on. Come on!
We can't budge this fatso.
126
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:27,175
I know, let me chop him up.
We'll take him down in pieces.
127
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:28,242
What?
I'm kidding you.
128
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,084
We gotta hurry up here.
Let's go.
All right, all right.
129
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,180
Just grab the back of our coats.
130
00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:33,020
Turn around, Chuck.
Grab the back.
Okay. All right.
131
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:35,720
Hey, hey, did you start this fire
by lighting one of your farts?
132
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:36,819
That's funny.
133
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,488
Hold on to our coats.
Hold on. Start running!
134
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:39,588
Go!
135
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,066
Go!
136
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:53,974
I'm running, Mama!
137
00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:55,638
I'm running like the wind!
138
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,740
Slow down! Slow down!
139
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,385
Mama!
140
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:20,362
Chuck! Chuck,
are you all right?
141
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,403
Thank God.
142
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:38,556
Oh, my God! Oh, sweet Lord.
Broccoli. Oh, my God!
143
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,828
They saved me, those two.
Yeah, they're my heroes.
144
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:45,329
I like you. I love you!
145
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:48,094
Oh, get me a hero!
I'm starving!
146
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,226
Oh, get me out of here!
Bring me to a deli!
147
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,668
So, how are the kids doing?
148
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,728
Oh, Tori, she's great, man.
149
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,366
She's playing soccer,
scoring goals.
150
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,068
It's awesome.
My man Eric?
151
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,835
Is he starting
Little League yet?
152
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:03,473
Yeah. I don't think
that's happening.
153
00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:04,943
Why not?
154
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:10,021
May, me, my, mo, mo
Mo, me, my, mo, may
155
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:12,080
Okay, Eric? That's enough.
156
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,648
Sit down
and get ready for dinner.
157
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:14,920
Okay.
158
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:18,395
Dad, you smell like smoke.
Did you put out a fire?
159
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:20,661
I wasn't roasting
marshmallows.
160
00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:23,293
That's so cool.
You're so cool.
161
00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:26,364
Could you help me out, Teresa,
162
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,339
and just grab that spaghetti sauce
out of the microwave?
163
00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:29,931
No. I have sub-train.
164
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,101
Would you please?
165
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,668
I just need a hand.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.
166
00:08:33,746 --> 00:08:36,306
Is last train for 15 minutes.
167
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:40,281
All right, you can go.
Oh, God.
168
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:43,953
Oh, God.
169
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:54,097
There we are, Bolognese.
170
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,396
Looks more like bowl of shit.
171
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,937
Yeah, thanks for all your help, Teresa.
172
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:03,408
Okay, guys, so what is new?
173
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,570
I'm auditioning
for the school musical, Pippin.
174
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:11,743
You... You like that, huh?
The musical thing.
175
00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:14,547
Yeah, I love it.
I think it's my calling.
176
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,619
That's what you said
about hopscotch.
177
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,749
You're just jealous
'cause I can do the splits.
178
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:26,523
Isn't that supposed
to hurt his testicles?
179
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:27,691
Yes.
180
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:28,756
You, don't talk like that.
181
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:31,394
You, get back in your chair
and finish your hot dog salad.
182
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,867
... guy really wants to take the ball every day,
183
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,601
and going right back
out there.
184
00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:37,370
And hits one
to deep left field!
185
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:39,934
Dunn back,
and it's out of here!
186
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:42,810
And the Mets now have
a six to two lead.
187
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,305
Oh, boy.
188
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:47,543
Brownies are ready.
189
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,247
Would you stop using
my Easy-Bake Oven?
190
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,983
But I like to bake.
191
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:52,081
Guys, would you settle?
192
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,819
Eric, why don't you watch
the Met game, huh?
193
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:55,918
Welcome to the Municipal Employee
and Planning Department.
194
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,155
Please tell me your name.
195
00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,527
Larry Valentine.
196
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,067
I'm sorry,
I didn't quite get that.
197
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:04,728
Larry Valentine.
198
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,432
You said, "Barry Schmalenpime."
Is that right?
199
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,065
Schmalenpime?
200
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,167
You said, "Schmalenpime."
Is that right?
201
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:14,269
I was enunciating.
202
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,713
You said, "I was enunciating."
Is that right?
203
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:17,806
Whoo!
204
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,545
You said, "Whoo!"
Is that right?
205
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,885
Dad, you have to try my brownies.
They're fabulous!
206
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:28,159
Enough with the splits!
Watch baseball!
207
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:35,699
Then it took 45 minutes
for this robot to stop calling me "Dairy."
208
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:38,202
And then it starts asking me
if I'm calling from "Gooklyn."
209
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:41,831
Look, all I'm trying to do is change
my beneficiary from my wife to my kids.
210
00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:45,274
Okay, you would have to file
a request to do that.
211
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:47,640
Great. Let's do it.
212
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,339
That's gonna take a while.
213
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,643
Look, lady, I don't have a while,
all right?
214
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,776
I'm a fireman.
I could die tomorrow.
215
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,346
I guess if that happened,
you would be burned.
216
00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,183
Are you trying
to make a funny?
217
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:01,192
Sort of.
218
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:05,429
Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be
changed for three events.
219
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,125
Births, deaths and marriages.
220
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:10,635
According to our records, we did
contact you when your wife passed away.
221
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:13,763
You had a year.
You should have responded.
222
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:17,174
Like a crazy person,
I was busy mourning the death of my wife.
223
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:19,939
Off the record.
224
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,139
I could suggest something
that's a little more simple
225
00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:25,274
and perhaps more fulfilling
to speed things up.
226
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,512
That would be great.
What do... What do you got?
227
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:28,985
Should you remarry,
228
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:33,116
your new wife at that time
could be named your primary beneficiary.
229
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,820
So if there's somebody special
in your life,
230
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:39,524
I mean, who knows,
maybe even someone you just met,
231
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:42,328
and you are ready
to make a commitment,
232
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,796
maybe now's the time.
233
00:11:49,341 --> 00:11:50,865
Let's go crazy.
234
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:10,525
Look how pretty she is.
235
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:12,223
Going in alive.
Coming out the same way.
236
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,356
All right, baby.
237
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,524
Come on, bud.
238
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:21,198
Levine, Valentine,
can we finish this secondary search
239
00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:23,241
so I can get home to my wife
and be denied sex?
240
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,470
Yeah. Absolutely.
241
00:12:29,014 --> 00:12:31,005
So he's auditioning
for a musical?
242
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,675
Yeah, Pippin.
243
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,220
Pippen? That ain't so bad.
Is it about Scottie Pippen?
244
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,983
I don't know.
He practices singing a lot.
245
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,649
Hey, Sinatra sang a lot.
246
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,317
Yeah, that's true.
247
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:42,417
Better than dancing.
248
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,555
Yeah, it's just when I was his age,
all I did was sports, you know?
249
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:48,794
Maybe they'll make skipping
an Olympic event. There's still hope.
250
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:50,301
Come on, man,
I don't have enough problems?
251
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,234
Baton swallowing.
I bet he'd be great at that.
252
00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:53,862
Yeah. You're an idiot.
253
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,531
I'm just busting your balls.
Come on.
254
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,634
Ladder 223, roof.
Secondary search negative.
255
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,235
Going upstairs.
256
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:02,542
At least the whole pension thing's
working out for you, buddy.
257
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,674
Yeah. Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come back down here?
258
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:07,082
I'll stick this pole up your ass,
turn you into a lollipop.
259
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,814
You talking to me
or your son?
260
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:11,379
Get down here now!
I'll give you an ass-beating!
261
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,186
I will destroy you!
262
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:20,395
Hey, Larry, good news.
I found you something to eat.
263
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,490
Cool, man.
I will devour that.
264
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:23,592
You what?
265
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,933
All right, I'll give you 1,000 bucks
you eat this thing's head.
266
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:29,168
For 1,000 bucks, I'll start at the ass
and work my way to the head.
267
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:30,435
This I gotta see, baby.
268
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:31,601
Come on.
269
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,008
Nothing but net.
270
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,136
Here you go, buddy.
271
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:36,776
Chuck!
272
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,518
Larry!
Chuck!
273
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:43,043
Mayday! Mayday!
Ladder 223, firefighter down.
274
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:45,784
Holy shit!
I dropped the rat, dude.
275
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,917
We'll have to do that
another time.
276
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,723
That's all right, buddy.
Just relax. Stay calm.
277
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,092
This thing's gonna break, man.
Get the hell out of here!
278
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:59,035
No! Hey, man, we came in alive,
we're going out the same way. Come on!
279
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,731
No! No!
280
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,435
I got you!
281
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,574
We got them over here!
282
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,113
Chuck! Come on, man.
283
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,546
Heads up!
Chuck.
284
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:16,744
Urgent! Urgent!
Two members down!
285
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:23,659
Mr. Levine?
286
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:26,798
Mr. Levine?
287
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:30,158
Do you know where you are?
288
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:33,696
Am I in a M�tley Cr�e video?
'Cause you're hot.
289
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:36,899
Honey, how's my buddy doing?
290
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:38,538
Honey?
291
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,971
We're expecting
a full recovery.
292
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:46,142
And, Mr. Levine,
please address me as "Doctor."
293
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:49,310
Dr. Honey.
Yeah, okay, you got it.
294
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,382
Chuck. What's going on, man?
295
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,060
Brace yourself, Larry.
296
00:14:57,529 --> 00:15:00,259
What I'm gonna tell you
is pretty rough.
297
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:04,428
They removed your entire body.
298
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:07,534
You're nothing but a head now.
299
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:09,329
What?
300
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,037
They said that there was enough fat
in your head to rebuild you a new body,
301
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,706
so they got scientists in the other room
working on it.
302
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,476
God willing,
you're gonna be all right.
303
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:19,141
You know, you're such a dick.
304
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:22,210
What's going on is
you saved my life, man.
305
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:24,449
I would've died
if you didn't do what you did.
306
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,457
Would you stop being
so melodramatic?
307
00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:28,925
No. I owe you.
That's the code.
308
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,928
Whatever you want,
whenever you want it.
309
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,486
Whatever, whenever.
310
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:34,827
Whatever?
Yes.
311
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:35,924
I'll take that rat.
312
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:38,128
You want to find that rat for me?
'Cause I'm hungry as hell.
313
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:40,034
Hi, Dad.
Eric.
314
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,096
Tori. Hey, guys, come on in.
315
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:43,402
They called me out of class,
316
00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:47,309
and nobody would tell me for, like,
a really long time what was wrong.
317
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:48,539
Did you die?
318
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,241
Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy.
319
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,874
I could go home right now
if I wanted to.
320
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,251
I'm only staying here because your
Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone.
321
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:59,450
It's true, Eric. If he don't sleep with me,
then I gotta sleep with Dr. Honey.
322
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:03,017
And you never know with Dr. Honey
what kind of mood she's gonna be in.
323
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:04,528
What are you, six years old?
324
00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:07,326
Hey, where you going? Come here.
Lay down next to me.
325
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,833
I'll split a Vicodin with you.
We'll have some fun.
326
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,631
Come on.
You little tease.
327
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,638
Dr. Honey.
Dr. Honey.
328
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,573
Sweetie, what's the matter?
Come here. It's okay.
329
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,078
This is the same hospital.
You know. Mom.
330
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,920
I'm not gonna leave you.
You hear me?
331
00:16:29,688 --> 00:16:30,950
I'm never gonna leave you.
332
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:36,386
I'm quitting
the department.
333
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,929
Get out of here, man.
334
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,455
No, Renaldo's cousin's got
an Acura dealership down in Trenton.
335
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:43,660
You want to sell cars?
Acuras?
336
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:44,930
I don't want to.
337
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,734
Every time I run into a fire,
where's my head gonna be?
338
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:50,707
I'm all my kids got left.
If I die...
339
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,139
Just don't wanna
leave them with nothing.
340
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:56,579
Your father was a fireman.
His father was a fireman.
341
00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:58,673
You are a fireman, man.
342
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,812
One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen.
That's it. You can't do nothing else.
343
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:04,549
I don't think I have
any other choice.
344
00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:06,488
We'll come up with something,
all right?
345
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:07,955
Come on, I promise you.
346
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,324
Oh, poor Charlie.
347
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:10,726
Hey, there are my girls.
348
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,730
How are you?
How you doing?
Oh, my leg hurts.
349
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,856
How are you feeling?
350
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,058
My leg.
351
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:16,692
Oh, God.
We got different lives.
352
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:19,294
I need some help out of here.
All right, Chuck's doing all right.
353
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,360
Let's get in here.
354
00:17:20,439 --> 00:17:22,168
Hey, who wants to massage
my ass muscles?
355
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,230
Me!
Me!
356
00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:53,331
Larry.
357
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,540
What time is it?
4:00.
358
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:58,132
I saved your life, and you said you owed me.
You remember that?
359
00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,199
Yeah, you saved my life.
360
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,939
Then you got me out of bed
at 4:00 in the morning.
361
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:02,071
We're even. That's great.
Look.
362
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:03,637
Hey, look, I'm just gonna
throw something out here,
363
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:05,239
and it's gonna sound
a little bit crazy.
364
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:07,148
You're getting
a breast reduction.
No, shut up.
365
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,153
No, look, I figured out
how to solve this pension problem,
366
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,779
and I don't have to
quit the Department.
367
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:11,880
Great. How?
368
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,185
What we're gonna do is
we're gonna set things up
369
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,249
so that you inherit
my benefits if I die.
370
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:17,591
That way you'll be the one
responsible for Eric and Tori.
371
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,995
Absolutely. That's a great idea.
How do we do that?
372
00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:23,000
Yeah. Domestic partnership.
373
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:25,898
Domestic partnership.
374
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:28,100
You mean like faggots?
No.
375
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,902
I mean, yeah,
but, no, not us, obviously.
376
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:33,138
No, no, not, you know...
It's just on paper, really.
377
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:34,543
Paper faggots?
378
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:38,014
Okay, look,
the accepted vernacular is "gay," but, yeah.
379
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:40,017
I'm gonna get
something to drink.
380
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,177
All right.
381
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:48,081
Right.
382
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:54,957
I'm gonna have to pass.
383
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,057
You can't!
384
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,933
Why don't you pay some chick to marry you
if you need this set-up?
385
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,097
Some chick? Like who?
Give me the phone.
386
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:03,004
I know plenty of chicks
who could use the cash.
387
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,599
What do you want? A blonde?
A Puerto Rican?
388
00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:07,110
I'll get you a heavy girl.
She'll make you feel better about yourself.
389
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,807
Hey, it doesn't matter.
I don't have any extra cash.
390
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:12,077
Look, man,
you're the only person I can trust.
391
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,551
Hey, you know who you could trust?
Your maid, Teresa.
392
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:15,951
She steals!
393
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:17,921
She steals?
Why don't you fire her?
394
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,117
I'm afraid. I think she's into voodoo.
I don't know.
395
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,819
Oh, God.
Look, this is the only way
396
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,954
I can keep doing what I do
and make sure my kids are protected.
397
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,828
Larry, look at us.
We're not gay.
398
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,197
But if we were gay,
don't you think
399
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,429
I'd be with someone
a little hotter-looking than you?
400
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,630
I'm Mr. February,
for God's sake.
401
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:37,835
It would be like the prom king
fooling around with a tuba player.
402
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,207
Oh, great, I play tuba.
403
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:40,836
Larry, I love you,
404
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,438
but I'm not in love with you,
if that makes any sense.
405
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,210
I still wanna be friends.
406
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:47,809
All right, do me a favor.
Just picture this, please. All right?
407
00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:49,513
You're at my funeral
408
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:51,783
and you're looking for my kids,
but they're not there.
409
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,654
'Cause they're in some factory
in Bangladesh
410
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,353
making sneakers
for six cents an hour.
411
00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,728
And you go home to nail some chick
you met at my gravesite.
412
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:03,962
And you look up,
and right there in your window
413
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,027
are my kids.
414
00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:08,470
They're just tapping
on the glass.
415
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,032
And they have tears
just streaming down their faces.
416
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:16,740
You think of that
and now you give me your answer.
417
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,882
How are they tapping on my window
if they're in Bangladesh?
418
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,717
Oh, my God. You're...
You're not following me here.
419
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,586
Yeah, I'm serious.
Chuck?
420
00:20:25,657 --> 00:20:27,921
Thirsty. Do you have
anything to drink?
421
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,587
Yeah, there's Gatorade
in the fridge.
422
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:34,354
The girls are here.
The girls, they want the Gatorade.
423
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,060
Oh, they're thirsty.
424
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:37,499
Larry, Larry, watch this.
425
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:40,732
Hey, girls,
actually it's down low, the Gatorade.
426
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,865
I can't be gay, Larry.
427
00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:46,570
I could be a lesbian for you,
but that's about it.
428
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:50,843
I am so lonely in here.
Hurry up, Chuck.
429
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,180
Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey.
You know Dr. Honey.
430
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:54,950
Yeah, I do.
431
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,749
How are you feeling,
Mr. Valentine?
432
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,518
It's still stiff
when I go to the right.
433
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,615
That's normal.
434
00:21:00,692 --> 00:21:02,489
Hey, who untied you?
435
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:06,193
What? What?
We have rules around here, girls.
436
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:09,357
Specific orders, girls.
437
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,164
Now I'm gonna go
Charlie Chaplin on your ass!
438
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:14,899
Here, use the cane.
Use it! Use it!
439
00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:16,668
Whap them, whap them!
440
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:18,705
You... You're just
an animal, man.
441
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:21,041
I'm not an animal.
I am a whore.
442
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,472
You don't want to marry the town whore.
Believe me, you're better than that.
443
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:28,645
What I'm talking about is no more involved
than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.
444
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,347
How do we know no one's
gonna find out about this?
445
00:21:30,422 --> 00:21:33,050
Because privacy laws
are super strict nowadays.
446
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:36,117
Look, all we gotta do is just forward
your mail to my house for a while.
447
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:37,320
That's it.
448
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:39,159
Oh, I don't know.
449
00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:41,290
I saved your life, bitch.
450
00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:44,931
Partners?
451
00:21:46,038 --> 00:21:47,266
Partners.
452
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:48,328
Shake on it?
453
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,675
You should've
let me die, asshole.
454
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:11,624
You're partners now, fellas.
455
00:22:19,237 --> 00:22:20,898
Teresa brought in the mail.
456
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:23,064
That's a first. Me.
457
00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:25,740
Chuck. That's me.
458
00:22:28,213 --> 00:22:29,373
Chuck.
459
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:32,073
Chuck.
460
00:22:33,218 --> 00:22:34,412
Chuck.
461
00:22:34,753 --> 00:22:36,277
What the hell?
462
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:38,321
Chuck.
463
00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:39,979
Chuck.
464
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:44,418
You gotta be kidding me.
They send these things blown up now?
465
00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:46,430
Is that doll for me?
466
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,826
No, no, no, sweetheart.
No, it's for me.
467
00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:51,528
It's a... It's a training doll.
You know, for CPR.
468
00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:54,401
They're testing us again,
you know, to make sure.
469
00:22:54,473 --> 00:22:55,599
You remember Daddy
did the testing?
470
00:22:55,674 --> 00:22:58,108
You make sure the passageway
is clear, and you...
471
00:22:58,610 --> 00:23:00,100
To see if they're breathing.
472
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:02,078
Sweetheart, go to your room, please.
Go to your room, okay?
473
00:23:02,147 --> 00:23:05,344
It's for me. She's fine.
She's fine. We're dancing.
474
00:23:05,617 --> 00:23:06,606
Whoa.
475
00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:12,183
Fire under control.
All units ten-eight, ten-eight.
476
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,055
Great to have you back, Larry.
477
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:15,889
Great to be back, Captain.
478
00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:21,024
Captain! Found out what started the fire,
an old-fashioned doobie.
479
00:23:21,099 --> 00:23:24,364
Hey, brother, that's my weed.
Can I get that back?
480
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:25,926
You want this back?
481
00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:29,565
I can't give you it back. But you know what?
I got something better for you.
482
00:23:33,779 --> 00:23:35,212
Whoa, man!
483
00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:37,804
Do that again.
484
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:39,944
He likes it.
485
00:23:41,386 --> 00:23:42,978
All right, enjoy it.
486
00:23:43,054 --> 00:23:45,284
Hey, man. Looks like
a powdered donut.
487
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:56,990
Mr. Valentine?
488
00:23:57,068 --> 00:23:58,194
Yeah.
489
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:01,637
Hi. I'm Glen Aldrich
from the Pension Department.
490
00:24:01,706 --> 00:24:04,732
I'd like to talk to you about
your recently filed domestic partnership.
491
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:11,707
Hey.
492
00:24:12,050 --> 00:24:13,779
Are you okay?
No, yeah, no, I'm fine.
493
00:24:13,852 --> 00:24:17,982
That's how I always get down,
'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps.
494
00:24:18,056 --> 00:24:20,957
Is your partner home?
A Mr. Charles Levine?
495
00:24:21,026 --> 00:24:22,425
No, he...
496
00:24:23,028 --> 00:24:25,656
How did you...
How did you find out that that we were...
497
00:24:25,730 --> 00:24:26,924
It's standard procedure.
498
00:24:26,998 --> 00:24:29,694
You see, when a previously
registered portfolio shifts over
499
00:24:29,768 --> 00:24:32,464
to a domestic partnership filing
in the insurance log,
500
00:24:32,537 --> 00:24:35,370
there's an information sharing system
that notifies us of the adjustment
501
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,771
to make sure
it's not a mistake.
502
00:24:36,842 --> 00:24:39,310
Why do you ask?
Were you keeping your partnership secret?
503
00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:41,174
Secret? What, are you kidding me?
Hell, no.
504
00:24:41,246 --> 00:24:42,907
No, we're telling everybody.
It's a party.
505
00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:44,312
Telling everybody what?
506
00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:46,077
Hey, butt out, Ron.
507
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:47,448
Come over here.
508
00:24:49,554 --> 00:24:52,580
I hope you don't think we have any reason
to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine,
509
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:55,524
but the sad truth is some people
have used homosexual lifestyles
510
00:24:55,594 --> 00:24:57,926
as a cover to reap
illegal benefits.
511
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:58,985
Wow.
512
00:25:00,465 --> 00:25:01,557
Who's that?
513
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:03,634
That's Paula.
She's my late wife.
514
00:25:04,636 --> 00:25:06,331
So you haven't
always been gay.
515
00:25:06,404 --> 00:25:10,272
No. I'm newly gay.
516
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:14,206
When... When she died,
I knew I'd never find another woman
517
00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:16,270
who'd make me as happy,
518
00:25:17,382 --> 00:25:19,646
and that's when I boarded
the dude train.
519
00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:21,877
Will you excuse me one second?
520
00:25:21,953 --> 00:25:23,011
Sure.
521
00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:26,817
Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons
on that chick?
522
00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:29,190
They're a jiggle away
from falling out.
523
00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:31,991
Oh, Chuck, don't tell me
you lost your key again, sweetheart.
524
00:25:32,063 --> 00:25:33,121
What key?
525
00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:37,464
Baby! How about a free show?
Why don't you shake them for me?
526
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:40,767
Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman.
Yeah, Ron, you look great, man!
527
00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:43,069
Love the moon balloons.
Shake them! Shake them!
528
00:25:43,141 --> 00:25:45,405
Hey, Chuck,
come on in here a minute.
529
00:25:46,177 --> 00:25:50,170
This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis...
The Pension Department.
530
00:25:50,248 --> 00:25:52,148
Our Pension Department.
531
00:25:53,251 --> 00:25:54,240
Hi.
532
00:25:54,786 --> 00:25:57,084
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
533
00:25:57,155 --> 00:26:00,886
He... He knows about our partnership,
and he's just here checking up on us,
534
00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:05,020
making sure we're not running
a scam to collect illegal benefits.
535
00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:08,591
People do that?
What is with the world?
536
00:26:08,667 --> 00:26:09,793
Yeah.
537
00:26:09,868 --> 00:26:11,301
It just makes me so sad
538
00:26:11,369 --> 00:26:14,338
and gay to think
of that kind of...
539
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:15,703
Yeah.
...behavior.
540
00:26:15,774 --> 00:26:16,900
Yeah.
541
00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:20,968
I just want to go to my room right now
and listen to Boy George records.
542
00:26:21,046 --> 00:26:22,104
Calm down.
543
00:26:22,180 --> 00:26:25,843
So you've moved your relationship
to the next level. How's it been going?
544
00:26:25,917 --> 00:26:31,287
Oh, great. We've just been having sex
with each other all the time.
545
00:26:31,389 --> 00:26:32,788
Loads of sex.
546
00:26:32,857 --> 00:26:34,085
Gay crazy sex.
547
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:36,559
Man on man.
Loving every minute of it.
548
00:26:36,628 --> 00:26:39,597
Yeah, balls and wieners all the way.
Right here.
549
00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:40,688
Oh, yeah.
550
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:43,063
Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.
551
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:44,328
Bring the funk.
552
00:26:45,704 --> 00:26:47,296
Okay, thank you.
553
00:26:47,505 --> 00:26:48,597
So that's it?
554
00:26:48,673 --> 00:26:51,608
You don't... You don't have
any other questions for us or...
555
00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:54,509
Oh, no. No, that's not really
how we do it.
556
00:26:54,579 --> 00:26:57,810
You see, if my report says I thought
something was out of the ordinary,
557
00:26:57,882 --> 00:27:00,214
then the department assigns
a special investigator,
558
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:02,185
and he or she'll just drop in
from time to time
559
00:27:02,253 --> 00:27:04,414
unannounced over the next three
or four months.
560
00:27:04,656 --> 00:27:05,645
No big deal.
561
00:27:06,224 --> 00:27:08,749
Let me... Just asking
was there anything that you saw
562
00:27:08,827 --> 00:27:11,091
that was out of the ordinary or...
563
00:27:11,663 --> 00:27:13,961
Oh, I can't tell you that.
All right, have a great day.
564
00:27:14,032 --> 00:27:15,431
Oh, we will.
565
00:27:18,403 --> 00:27:19,836
Nice seeing you.
Take care.
566
00:27:19,904 --> 00:27:21,030
Nice seeing you.
567
00:27:21,106 --> 00:27:22,471
We love your pants,
by the way. Very nice.
568
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:24,303
We do.
Are those wrinkle-free?
569
00:27:24,376 --> 00:27:25,502
I think they are.
They look great!
570
00:27:25,577 --> 00:27:26,839
Snazzy!
571
00:27:26,911 --> 00:27:28,902
Yeah, no one's gonna
find out about us, I thought.
572
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,312
Well... Yes!
573
00:27:31,383 --> 00:27:33,010
He likes it rough.
Yeah.
574
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:34,142
Bye-bye.
Take care.
575
00:27:34,219 --> 00:27:35,243
Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay.
576
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,582
You made a promise to me.
577
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:37,679
All right, we're gonna
have sex now.
578
00:27:37,756 --> 00:27:38,882
Okay. We are.
579
00:27:38,957 --> 00:27:39,946
Sex now.
Here we go!
580
00:27:40,025 --> 00:27:41,014
Whoo!
581
00:27:43,628 --> 00:27:45,596
Why are we even seeing
this lawyer guy?
582
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,825
I just want to find out
how much trouble we're in here.
583
00:27:47,899 --> 00:27:49,764
Maybe it's, you know,
no big deal.
584
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,426
This guy'll be able
to tell us.
585
00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:54,461
Here, just give me your hand.
586
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:56,439
Maybe we should
just be snuggling a little bit.
587
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:57,600
You mean to look...
588
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,041
Yeah, just a little bit like, you know.
589
00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:00,168
Yeah, that's good.
590
00:28:00,245 --> 00:28:02,145
Does this work, too?
Get away from me.
591
00:28:39,284 --> 00:28:42,310
Alex McDonough.
592
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:44,954
Nice to meet you.
593
00:28:50,128 --> 00:28:51,288
Nice to meet you.
594
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:53,023
Yeah, meet to nice you.
595
00:28:53,631 --> 00:28:54,996
What was that, Japanese?
596
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:56,624
What? What are you
talking about?
597
00:28:56,701 --> 00:28:57,998
Meet to nice you.
598
00:28:58,069 --> 00:28:59,798
No, no, no, I didn't do that.
599
00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:01,429
You did. He did say it.
600
00:29:01,506 --> 00:29:02,734
You did.
601
00:29:02,807 --> 00:29:03,865
Okay.
602
00:29:03,942 --> 00:29:05,239
Okay, just come on in.
603
00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:07,107
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
604
00:29:09,214 --> 00:29:12,377
So my assistant says
that your domestic partnership
605
00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:14,111
is being challenged
by the city.
606
00:29:14,185 --> 00:29:18,053
Well, not exactly challenged yet,
but they're definitely sniffing around.
607
00:29:18,123 --> 00:29:19,920
Home visit?
Yeah.
608
00:29:19,991 --> 00:29:21,219
You're being targeted.
609
00:29:21,292 --> 00:29:22,520
Targeted?
610
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:25,154
It's like an audit.
Who did they send?
611
00:29:25,230 --> 00:29:27,698
It was a Glen somebody.
612
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:29,324
Probably the initial interviewer.
613
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,858
But if you get a follow-up from
a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer,
614
00:29:32,937 --> 00:29:34,734
then we've got real trouble.
615
00:29:34,806 --> 00:29:37,900
Yeah, the city's really been cracking down
ever since the Bensley case.
616
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:39,034
What's that?
617
00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:44,707
Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual
government employee married his gay friend
618
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:48,480
so the friend could be covered
under Bensley's health insurance.
619
00:29:48,553 --> 00:29:49,850
The state found out about it,
620
00:29:49,921 --> 00:29:52,754
fired Bensley and prosecuted them both
for fraud.
621
00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:54,621
Really?
Oh, yeah.
622
00:29:54,692 --> 00:29:57,422
I mean, these people needed
to be made an example of.
623
00:29:57,495 --> 00:30:00,794
I mean, gays and lesbians have not
been fighting for these rights for 40 years
624
00:30:00,865 --> 00:30:02,423
to be made a mockery of.
625
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:03,728
But you guys have
nothing to worry about
626
00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:06,270
because you're
a legitimate gay couple, right?
627
00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:09,329
Oh, yeah, we're...
No, we're big-time fruits.
628
00:30:10,675 --> 00:30:13,906
I used to wrestle in high school,
and I loved it.
629
00:30:14,512 --> 00:30:15,672
Okay.
630
00:30:16,614 --> 00:30:18,707
Curiosity kicking up again.
631
00:30:19,517 --> 00:30:22,577
What exactly did they get,
the hetero bastards?
632
00:30:23,688 --> 00:30:27,351
Well, Bensley got five years
and his gay friend got three.
633
00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:30,959
And a coworker of Bensley's
got 18 months.
634
00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:32,827
Why? What did he do?
635
00:30:32,897 --> 00:30:36,264
Well, Bensley told him what was going on
and he never reported it to the authorities,
636
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:41,067
so he was convicted of obstructing justice
and conspiracy to commit fraud.
637
00:30:42,106 --> 00:30:43,767
Pretty rough, huh?
638
00:30:44,108 --> 00:30:48,704
When I used to climb the rope in gym class,
I wished it was a guy.
639
00:30:51,416 --> 00:30:53,384
Well, there is a secret weapon
640
00:30:53,451 --> 00:30:56,011
that really might help get these guys
off your back.
641
00:30:56,087 --> 00:30:57,679
Oh, good.
Oh, great.
Well, we love secrets.
642
00:30:57,755 --> 00:30:59,052
Yeah, we do them
all the time. Yeah.
643
00:31:00,258 --> 00:31:02,453
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I won't tell anyone.
644
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:03,516
Nobody tells.
645
00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:06,325
That was a key he was throwing away,
that's what that was.
646
00:31:06,397 --> 00:31:07,728
Leave a trail.
647
00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:09,130
You know,
the strongest evidence
648
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,634
for genuinely demonstrating
a domestic partnership
649
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:14,365
is to take a quick drive
on up to Canada
650
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:16,202
and legitimize
your relationship.
651
00:31:16,474 --> 00:31:17,600
Legitimize?
652
00:31:17,675 --> 00:31:18,903
Get married.
653
00:31:19,577 --> 00:31:20,976
Marry Larry?
654
00:31:32,457 --> 00:31:33,890
All right,
where do two guys get married?
655
00:31:33,958 --> 00:31:36,324
What do we got here?
Wedding Balls.
656
00:31:37,095 --> 00:31:39,290
I Do, I Do Love Clay Aiken.
657
00:31:39,364 --> 00:31:40,854
Great Rear Endings.
658
00:31:42,066 --> 00:31:43,761
Till Dicks Do Us Part.
659
00:31:44,135 --> 00:31:46,660
Where are we gonna do this,
sweetheart?
660
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,205
What's the matter?
You getting cold nuts?
661
00:31:48,273 --> 00:31:52,073
No, no. It's just Paula always
wanted to go to Niagara Falls,
662
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,769
and I never got the chance to take her,
you know?
663
00:31:54,846 --> 00:31:57,838
You were great to her.
It's been three years already, man.
664
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,384
Just, just...
She would want you to be happy.
665
00:32:00,451 --> 00:32:02,146
She would want you to move on
with your life,
666
00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:04,188
find somebody new,
I'm telling you.
667
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:06,849
You know what?
I did find somebody new.
668
00:32:07,025 --> 00:32:08,287
And I'm marrying him today.
669
00:32:08,359 --> 00:32:10,623
Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl.
670
00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:12,593
Queers.
671
00:32:12,664 --> 00:32:14,359
What was that?
What was that?
672
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,696
I said tears.
673
00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:18,827
Your love for each other
brings tears to my eyes.
674
00:32:18,903 --> 00:32:20,268
That's what I thought
you said, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah.
675
00:32:20,338 --> 00:32:21,635
Better watch what you say,
my friend.
676
00:32:21,706 --> 00:32:22,673
Why don't you
just drive the car?
677
00:32:22,740 --> 00:32:24,401
Doug Henning.
What the hell you think you're doing?
678
00:32:24,475 --> 00:32:25,908
You want a Brooklyn beating,
moron?
Magic shoes. Yeah?
679
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:27,638
You want to get him nuts?
Yeah? Smacked around?
680
00:32:27,712 --> 00:32:30,306
Then shut your mouth.
Don't, please.
681
00:32:32,483 --> 00:32:33,507
Faggots.
682
00:32:33,584 --> 00:32:35,575
All right, that's it, my man.
What's that, you son of a bitch?
683
00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:36,779
Grab the wheel.
Grab the wheel.
Hold him down!
684
00:32:36,854 --> 00:32:37,843
Hey, I'm sorry!
685
00:32:37,922 --> 00:32:39,150
Hold him down, and I will...
686
00:32:39,223 --> 00:32:41,282
Come and drive now, moron!
Hey, the wheel, man!
687
00:32:41,359 --> 00:32:42,417
I'm sorry!
Chuck, hold him.
688
00:32:42,493 --> 00:32:43,653
Yeah! Yeah!
689
00:32:46,064 --> 00:32:47,656
Get him! Hold him down!
690
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:03,212
Suki! Stupid cow. Sorry.
691
00:33:03,381 --> 00:33:05,042
Hey, may I help you?
692
00:33:05,116 --> 00:33:07,482
Yes, we're... We're...
693
00:33:08,252 --> 00:33:09,617
Gay?
694
00:33:09,687 --> 00:33:12,053
Yeah, we're marrying
each other.
695
00:33:12,123 --> 00:33:14,853
Gay. Civil or religious?
696
00:33:14,926 --> 00:33:16,325
Religious.
697
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:18,826
I'm Jewish.
I don't wanna piss my mother off.
698
00:33:18,896 --> 00:33:21,296
I'm Catholic.
I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.
699
00:33:21,366 --> 00:33:22,958
Come on.
700
00:33:23,034 --> 00:33:26,094
Religious is more expensive.
We have to hire a clergyman.
701
00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:28,263
Look, you know what?
We'll just do civil then, okay?
702
00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:30,364
Will you at least
wear a yarmulke?
Yeah, okay, sure.
703
00:33:30,441 --> 00:33:31,430
It's important.
704
00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:32,533
Yeah, I will.
705
00:33:32,643 --> 00:33:36,739
We want a traditional wedding, too,
one with a lot of photographs for evidence.
706
00:33:38,549 --> 00:33:40,915
Evidence for our future children,
707
00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:42,919
so they can see
what a beautiful chapel this is.
708
00:33:42,987 --> 00:33:44,079
Yeah.
709
00:33:44,756 --> 00:33:46,087
That's nice.
710
00:33:46,157 --> 00:33:47,954
I think Chubb Rock needs a dress.
Am I right?
711
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:49,653
That's okay. No, I'm fine. No.
Come on. No?
712
00:33:49,727 --> 00:33:52,025
Okay. What size?
Five times XL?
713
00:33:52,964 --> 00:33:54,625
No, no. That's...
That's fine, really. I'm...
714
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:57,497
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli.
715
00:33:57,568 --> 00:33:59,058
I saw her wear one
at the Oscars and it's just been...
716
00:33:59,137 --> 00:34:00,764
At least have garter belts
underneath, please?
717
00:34:00,838 --> 00:34:01,862
Okay.
718
00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:06,205
You will need to have a witness.
We can supply one for $100.
719
00:34:06,277 --> 00:34:09,110
Hundred doll hairs?
That's a lot of doll hairs.
720
00:34:09,514 --> 00:34:10,742
Come again?
721
00:34:10,815 --> 00:34:12,442
Do dolls come
with that many hairs?
722
00:34:12,517 --> 00:34:13,643
Doll hairs, like dollars.
723
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:15,185
Doll hairs?
724
00:34:16,687 --> 00:34:19,451
Yeah. Yeah, he likes that.
725
00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:23,185
I had never heard that one.
726
00:34:25,763 --> 00:34:28,493
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Can I write that down?
727
00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:30,431
Yeah, go ahead.
728
00:34:30,802 --> 00:34:32,997
We'll... We'll get our own witness,
by the way, so...
729
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,368
Yeah.
Don't worry about that.
730
00:34:34,439 --> 00:34:36,270
Will you be needing a room?
731
00:34:36,340 --> 00:34:37,534
What?
A loom?
732
00:34:37,608 --> 00:34:39,974
For romantic time together.
733
00:34:43,648 --> 00:34:45,639
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, we're good. We...
No...
734
00:34:45,716 --> 00:34:47,115
We'll take two looms,
by the way.
735
00:34:47,185 --> 00:34:49,551
Yeah. We're old-fashioned.
736
00:34:50,388 --> 00:34:51,787
That's very nice.
737
00:34:53,291 --> 00:34:56,590
I will give you key
in case you want to sneak.
738
00:34:56,828 --> 00:34:58,557
That's okay.
Yeah.
739
00:34:58,896 --> 00:34:59,954
But I'll give you key.
740
00:35:00,031 --> 00:35:01,191
Okay.
741
00:35:01,666 --> 00:35:02,690
Do you have the rings?
742
00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:04,098
Yeah.
743
00:35:04,235 --> 00:35:07,636
Now, the rings are
a symbol of eternity,
744
00:35:07,705 --> 00:35:11,971
because in a ring there's no beginning,
there is no end
745
00:35:12,910 --> 00:35:14,468
'cause it's a circle.
746
00:35:14,545 --> 00:35:15,637
That's kind of nice.
747
00:35:15,713 --> 00:35:16,975
It's not like a triangle.
748
00:35:17,048 --> 00:35:19,710
Triangle has,
like, a corner in the ends.
749
00:35:19,784 --> 00:35:21,684
This one is a circle.
750
00:35:21,752 --> 00:35:22,810
Okay, we get it.
751
00:35:22,887 --> 00:35:24,149
Three corners.
752
00:35:24,222 --> 00:35:25,814
Please exchange the rings.
753
00:35:25,890 --> 00:35:27,983
Larry, take that.
All right, yeah.
754
00:35:28,059 --> 00:35:29,287
Thanks.
755
00:35:29,861 --> 00:35:32,022
Is a promise of your love
forever together...
756
00:35:32,096 --> 00:35:33,120
Okay.
Okay. Beautiful.
757
00:35:33,197 --> 00:35:34,459
...for all eternity.
Okay.
758
00:35:34,532 --> 00:35:36,557
Because it's a circle.
Yeah, we heard about the circle.
759
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,033
Yes, we're familiar with shapes.
We got it.
760
00:35:40,204 --> 00:35:43,469
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
761
00:35:43,541 --> 00:35:45,532
You may kiss the husband.
762
00:35:55,586 --> 00:35:58,419
I don't know.
Hey, man, you just gotta do this.
763
00:35:58,489 --> 00:36:00,582
What do you mean?
We got to do it.
764
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:01,716
Kiss the husband.
765
00:36:01,792 --> 00:36:03,282
Yeah, we heard you.
766
00:36:03,961 --> 00:36:06,361
Oh, come on. Let's just...
767
00:36:06,430 --> 00:36:08,898
He's gonna take a picture,
we just gotta do this.
768
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:09,989
Mmm-hmm.
769
00:36:10,701 --> 00:36:11,690
Oh!
770
00:36:14,639 --> 00:36:16,197
That's how we roll
in our house, baby.
771
00:36:16,274 --> 00:36:17,468
Oh, yeah.
772
00:36:23,748 --> 00:36:25,215
Do you do me?
773
00:36:26,484 --> 00:36:29,180
Oh, you couldn't handle it,
little man.
774
00:36:30,821 --> 00:36:31,947
Yeah.
775
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:34,583
I think your witness
piss himself.
776
00:36:43,401 --> 00:36:48,668
The wires are all in place,
and they have tapped all of our phones.
777
00:36:50,474 --> 00:36:52,965
The Chinese government
is in on it.
778
00:36:53,311 --> 00:36:56,974
And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot.
779
00:36:59,383 --> 00:37:01,180
Turn off my brain.
780
00:37:01,352 --> 00:37:02,751
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
781
00:37:05,456 --> 00:37:07,924
There's a microphone
in the cake!
782
00:37:11,295 --> 00:37:12,819
They moved it.
783
00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:14,755
Yeah.
784
00:37:14,832 --> 00:37:17,392
He smell like
a dead water buffalo.
785
00:37:23,107 --> 00:37:24,938
Oh, yeah! Very Jewish!
786
00:37:39,323 --> 00:37:40,813
I've been hit!
787
00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,358
How you doing?
788
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:44,754
He broke his leg.
789
00:37:46,731 --> 00:37:48,699
Hey, how come your maid
ain't helping us out?
790
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:51,667
She's working on something else,
all right?
791
00:37:52,003 --> 00:37:53,402
Yeah, right.
792
00:37:53,504 --> 00:37:56,064
How you doing there,
Phil Collins?
793
00:37:56,140 --> 00:37:59,507
$800. $800, Bob Barker!
794
00:37:59,577 --> 00:38:01,204
... retail price
without going over...
795
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:03,076
She's working hard
with Bob Barker.
796
00:38:03,147 --> 00:38:05,581
She doesn't like when you talk
during her shows. Come on.
797
00:38:05,650 --> 00:38:08,551
$750? Oh, my balls,
that's too low.
798
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:11,816
Hey, Big Ragoo,
I smell your feet from here. I like it.
799
00:38:11,889 --> 00:38:12,878
Oh...
800
00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:15,759
He thinks my feet stink.
801
00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:19,825
Now, that's a stink.
802
00:38:21,599 --> 00:38:24,830
See, I knew you were gonna
overcook this, man. I told you.
803
00:38:24,902 --> 00:38:27,894
Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril.
It's supposed to be black.
804
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:29,371
It stinks like manure!
805
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,305
Yeah, it's supposed to.
806
00:38:31,575 --> 00:38:34,408
I can't believe you're gonna
serve this to the kids. Shit.
807
00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:35,706
Hey, language!
808
00:38:35,780 --> 00:38:37,509
Okay, kids,
"shit" is a bad word.
809
00:38:37,581 --> 00:38:39,549
Seriously, though,
I am not eating this crap!
810
00:38:39,617 --> 00:38:41,517
If I'm living here,
I'm cooking.
811
00:38:41,585 --> 00:38:43,143
How long is Uncle Chuck staying?
812
00:38:43,220 --> 00:38:46,485
Just for a little bit, okay?
Until his apartment is fixed.
813
00:38:46,557 --> 00:38:48,218
What happened to your place?
814
00:38:48,292 --> 00:38:49,953
Roaches.
815
00:38:50,628 --> 00:38:52,493
Yeah, big giant roaches.
816
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:53,789
They ate my dog.
817
00:38:53,864 --> 00:38:54,956
Bastards!
818
00:38:55,032 --> 00:38:56,192
Language!
819
00:38:56,267 --> 00:38:58,326
Roaches are so ewwy.
820
00:38:59,203 --> 00:39:01,364
Did you hear that?
Roaches are ewwy.
821
00:39:01,439 --> 00:39:04,237
"Ewwy" is another word not allowed said
in this house, okay?
822
00:39:04,308 --> 00:39:05,969
I think ewwy's a nice word.
Shut up.
823
00:39:06,043 --> 00:39:07,203
Ewwy!
824
00:39:07,611 --> 00:39:08,635
Funny.
825
00:39:14,819 --> 00:39:17,014
The Reds never even came up
in the conversation.
826
00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:20,524
About five straight seasons
losing regular seasons,
827
00:39:20,591 --> 00:39:23,754
the franchise's worse such stretch
since the '50s.
828
00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:27,389
Yet heading into play today, the Reds
were tied for the best record in the bigs.
829
00:39:27,465 --> 00:39:30,457
They've got
everybody going except for...
830
00:39:31,168 --> 00:39:32,567
... who's eligible
to come off the DL,
831
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:34,797
but hasn't fully recovered
from an inflamed tendon...
832
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:35,998
Real smooth.
833
00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:37,335
Why? What happened?
834
00:39:37,408 --> 00:39:38,602
You broke Tori's chair!
835
00:39:38,676 --> 00:39:40,200
No, no, no.
It was like that when I got here.
836
00:39:40,277 --> 00:39:42,472
I'm not kidding you.
I think she did it.
837
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:44,275
What the hell is that
on your face?
838
00:39:44,348 --> 00:39:46,578
I'm exfoliating.
It's good for my skin.
839
00:39:46,650 --> 00:39:48,208
Hey, that's a great idea, man.
840
00:39:48,285 --> 00:39:50,116
In case the gay inspector comes by.
841
00:39:50,788 --> 00:39:53,416
Yeah, yeah,
that's why I was doing it.
842
00:39:54,191 --> 00:39:55,886
TORl: Daddy, help!
843
00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,088
Tori?
844
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:02,463
Somebody left the seat up.
845
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:04,428
Real smooth, again.
846
00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:05,969
Why? What happened now?
847
00:40:06,036 --> 00:40:08,300
It was like that when I got here.
She... She did it.
848
00:40:08,372 --> 00:40:09,600
Hey, it's okay, sweetheart.
849
00:40:09,673 --> 00:40:12,506
You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used
to living in a house with a young lady.
850
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,838
True that.
Come here, honey.
851
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:17,369
Slow, slow, slow.
Don't leave her intestines in there.
852
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,214
Whoa, whoa...
853
00:40:21,285 --> 00:40:23,879
Your father's just jealous
'cause he can't get his butt
854
00:40:23,954 --> 00:40:25,012
in that thing.
Yeah.
855
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,023
He got his butt stuck
in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time.
856
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:29,059
I seen that.
Stop.
857
00:40:29,126 --> 00:40:30,150
Hey, yeah.
858
00:40:30,227 --> 00:40:32,252
Uncle Chuck,
you left this in the kitchen.
859
00:40:32,329 --> 00:40:33,523
Hey, don't you look at that!
860
00:40:33,597 --> 00:40:34,962
I didn't.
Actually, you know what?
Give me that.
861
00:40:35,032 --> 00:40:36,659
Maybe he should look at it. See.
Stop it, Chuck!
862
00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:39,464
No, no, no. This is an experiment.
Seriously.
863
00:40:40,638 --> 00:40:43,072
Eric, see how this
makes you feel.
864
00:40:43,874 --> 00:40:45,239
Open it up.
865
00:40:49,146 --> 00:40:51,478
All right,
that didn't go well.
866
00:40:57,621 --> 00:41:00,556
Yo, you got any tequila in this house?
I want to fall right asleep.
867
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:02,148
No, I don't.
868
00:41:02,226 --> 00:41:04,456
What the hell is this?
You got a dog I don't know about?
869
00:41:04,528 --> 00:41:06,155
No, that's your bed.
I worked hard on that.
870
00:41:06,230 --> 00:41:08,994
That ain't a bed. That's a bed,
the thing you're about to cave in.
871
00:41:09,066 --> 00:41:11,364
No. Look, you're not
sleeping here, okay?
872
00:41:11,435 --> 00:41:13,665
Nobody's slept
on that side since Paula.
873
00:41:13,737 --> 00:41:15,261
But, sweetheart,
it's our honeymoon.
874
00:41:15,339 --> 00:41:17,637
Of course I'm sleeping
in the same bed as you.
875
00:41:17,708 --> 00:41:18,970
No.
876
00:41:19,043 --> 00:41:20,510
How about if I put
Paula's pajamas on?
877
00:41:20,578 --> 00:41:21,738
Would that get me
in the sack with you?
878
00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:23,905
Don't you dare touch her PJs.
879
00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:27,007
You're kidding me.
You still keep her PJs?
880
00:41:27,084 --> 00:41:28,813
That's sick, Larry. Seriously.
881
00:41:28,886 --> 00:41:29,944
All right.
882
00:41:30,020 --> 00:41:31,988
You gotta call the shrink.
883
00:41:32,056 --> 00:41:33,990
I'm coming in the bed, Larry.
884
00:41:34,058 --> 00:41:36,822
Whoa, look at this.
You made me a little bowling ball ashtray.
885
00:41:36,894 --> 00:41:38,987
That's sweet of you.
I'll smoke that in the morning.
886
00:41:39,063 --> 00:41:41,156
I don't feel comfortable with this,
buddy, at all.
887
00:41:41,232 --> 00:41:42,995
Would it help
if I gave you the pose?
888
00:41:43,067 --> 00:41:44,796
Hey, get your foot off
that side of the bed.
889
00:41:44,869 --> 00:41:46,234
Have some respect,
would you, please?
890
00:41:46,303 --> 00:41:49,033
Yeah, I'll be respectful.
You won't even know I'm here.
891
00:41:49,106 --> 00:41:50,539
Oh, God.
You won't know I'm here, okay?
892
00:41:50,608 --> 00:41:52,633
Why don't you turn the light off?
You won't even see me.
893
00:41:52,710 --> 00:41:54,268
I'm not around, Larry.
894
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:57,610
Yeah. Yeah. See?
Yeah. Roll over.
895
00:41:58,282 --> 00:41:59,840
Make yourself comfortable.
896
00:42:00,551 --> 00:42:01,950
That's right.
897
00:42:05,789 --> 00:42:07,620
You got Cinemax in here?
898
00:42:07,691 --> 00:42:09,318
No, I do not.
899
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,759
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
900
00:42:11,829 --> 00:42:15,925
Keep it away from me.
901
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:19,867
Can you lend me your foot for a second?
I'm kidding.
902
00:42:24,775 --> 00:42:26,834
Larry.
903
00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:31,570
You betrayed me, Larry.
904
00:42:33,017 --> 00:42:37,545
You made a promise
no one would sleep on my side of...
905
00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:38,883
All right. Hey, hey, hey.
906
00:42:38,956 --> 00:42:40,924
I swear to you,
I will beat you...
That wasn't me.
907
00:42:40,991 --> 00:42:42,925
...with the end table!
Larry!
908
00:42:42,993 --> 00:42:44,017
Stop it, man.
909
00:42:44,094 --> 00:42:45,118
If it was me, I would stop it.
910
00:42:45,195 --> 00:42:46,992
It was someone else.
911
00:42:48,599 --> 00:42:50,157
It scared me, too, Larry.
912
00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:56,168
Good morning, Daddy.
913
00:42:57,374 --> 00:42:58,671
Oh, hey, kids.
914
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:00,232
Good morning, Uncle Chuck.
915
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:02,640
What's doing, guys?
916
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:03,906
Good morning, Teresa.
917
00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:05,346
Great morning.
918
00:43:10,454 --> 00:43:12,479
Why is Teresa in the bed?
919
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:17,257
She was just cleaning it. She was...
Great job, Teresa.
920
00:43:17,328 --> 00:43:19,888
Spotless. Thank you.
You can go now.
921
00:43:20,998 --> 00:43:22,590
Hey.
922
00:43:23,233 --> 00:43:25,064
Hey, this is what got us in trouble
in the first place.
923
00:43:26,403 --> 00:43:27,563
Oh, boy.
924
00:43:27,638 --> 00:43:29,572
Come on, kids,
fix me breakfast!
925
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,301
Come on, come on, come on!
926
00:43:31,375 --> 00:43:32,808
You're gonna burn for that.
927
00:43:32,876 --> 00:43:34,366
Get Cinemax.
928
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:35,935
While I'm sleeping
in the same bed?
929
00:43:36,013 --> 00:43:38,345
Hey, you weren't sleeping
the whole time.
930
00:43:38,415 --> 00:43:39,473
You threw in some moves.
931
00:43:39,550 --> 00:43:40,608
I did not!
932
00:43:40,684 --> 00:43:42,743
Yeah. Smell your thumb.
933
00:43:50,828 --> 00:43:52,659
Smells like plastic.
934
00:44:01,739 --> 00:44:03,331
Hey, big guy.
935
00:44:03,841 --> 00:44:07,538
Hey, what the hell you doing
going through our garbage?
936
00:44:07,611 --> 00:44:11,570
Oh, once it's out on the street
ready for pickup, it's public property.
937
00:44:12,850 --> 00:44:14,044
Lawrence Valentine, I presume?
938
00:44:14,118 --> 00:44:15,278
Yeah. That's me.
939
00:44:15,352 --> 00:44:18,321
Yeah, Clint Fitzer
from Financial Services.
940
00:44:19,123 --> 00:44:21,956
You know, funny thing, you put
these moving boxes out for recycling
941
00:44:22,026 --> 00:44:24,085
after you'd already been
living together for so long.
942
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:25,594
I found that interesting.
943
00:44:26,964 --> 00:44:29,364
And your garbage,
Mr. Valentine,
944
00:44:29,433 --> 00:44:32,800
well, from my experience,
it's not very homosexual garbage.
945
00:44:33,003 --> 00:44:34,493
Can I see some
identification, please?
946
00:44:34,872 --> 00:44:36,772
Oh, that's just one zip away.
947
00:44:42,713 --> 00:44:47,776
Mr. Valentine, the law takes a dim view
of those who cheat the public coffers.
948
00:44:49,420 --> 00:44:52,389
A very dim view, big guy.
949
00:44:54,825 --> 00:44:55,917
Shit.
950
00:45:02,132 --> 00:45:03,360
What are you doing?
951
00:45:03,434 --> 00:45:04,628
I'm putting a pillowcase
on my pillow.
952
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:06,067
Okay, you know what?
That's not a pillowcase.
953
00:45:06,136 --> 00:45:07,831
It's my underwear, you idiot.
954
00:45:09,406 --> 00:45:10,998
No!
Would you stop?
955
00:45:11,075 --> 00:45:14,408
I just ran into Clint Fitzer out front.
That big city investigator.
956
00:45:14,478 --> 00:45:16,343
The one that hot-ass lawyer
was talking about?
957
00:45:16,413 --> 00:45:17,710
We gotta make
this place more gay.
958
00:45:17,781 --> 00:45:18,805
More gay?
959
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:21,282
Yeah. He went through our trash.
He says it's not gay enough.
960
00:45:21,351 --> 00:45:22,784
Well, let's gay
that shit up, then!
961
00:45:22,853 --> 00:45:24,821
Oh, God.
Gay trash.
962
00:45:24,955 --> 00:45:27,719
Gay trash... Gay trash...
963
00:45:27,791 --> 00:45:28,780
Let's see.
964
00:45:30,661 --> 00:45:32,151
Huh? Huh?
965
00:45:32,529 --> 00:45:34,827
Yeah. What else?
966
00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:37,298
Anything you can do, I can do better
967
00:45:37,367 --> 00:45:40,359
I can do anything better than you
968
00:45:40,471 --> 00:45:42,268
Perfect.
Hey!
969
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:45,136
Eric, are those the cleats
I just bought you?
970
00:45:45,209 --> 00:45:48,076
Uncle Chuck helped me
turn them into tap shoes.
971
00:45:48,145 --> 00:45:49,203
Yeah, he didn't get Pippin,
972
00:45:49,279 --> 00:45:50,712
so we're gonna prime him
for his next audition.
973
00:45:50,781 --> 00:45:51,770
For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.
974
00:45:51,849 --> 00:45:54,340
Go ahead, tap away. Nice.
975
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:56,947
Sinatra tap-danced, come on.
976
00:45:57,020 --> 00:45:59,215
Nice. Nice. Big finish.
977
00:45:59,690 --> 00:46:02,454
Yeah. You wanna throw him
in the garbage?
978
00:46:03,026 --> 00:46:04,186
I'm kidding. Come on.
979
00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:07,261
Think like a gay guy.
We're gay, we're gay.
980
00:46:07,331 --> 00:46:08,355
Come on, gay. Gay it up.
981
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:09,592
Here we go. Look at this.
Gay. What else? Gay.
982
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:11,258
Shampoo for permed hair.
That's pretty gay.
983
00:46:11,335 --> 00:46:12,495
Put it in there.
Okay.
984
00:46:12,569 --> 00:46:13,593
Bandages.
985
00:46:13,670 --> 00:46:15,137
It's too rugged.
986
00:46:15,205 --> 00:46:16,763
Really?
Q-tips, get Q-tips.
987
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:20,105
Gay guys like clean ears
for the licking and whatnot. Smart.
988
00:46:20,177 --> 00:46:21,166
What do you got?
989
00:46:21,245 --> 00:46:22,439
Maxi Pads.
990
00:46:22,513 --> 00:46:24,572
Now we have vaginas?
Put it back.
991
00:46:24,648 --> 00:46:27,879
Get some Streisand shit or something.
Just walk away, man.
992
00:46:28,085 --> 00:46:32,044
Gay. Very gay. �ber gay.
993
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:34,454
The gayest.
And the mother ship.
994
00:46:39,596 --> 00:46:40,585
Oh...
995
00:46:41,131 --> 00:46:42,928
Chuck!
Alex.
996
00:46:43,500 --> 00:46:45,297
Hi!
Wow.
997
00:46:45,369 --> 00:46:49,135
Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that
I talked to him about Fitzer stopping by?
998
00:46:49,206 --> 00:46:51,401
That guy is an infection,
but don't you worry about it,
999
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:52,533
'cause I'm gonna handle it.
1000
00:46:52,609 --> 00:46:55,703
No, it's all good.
It's all gay all the way.
1001
00:46:57,748 --> 00:46:59,841
Are you doing anything
on Saturday night?
1002
00:46:59,917 --> 00:47:01,214
No. Why?
1003
00:47:01,285 --> 00:47:04,846
Well, I'm involved with this group,
and it's our big fundraiser thing and...
1004
00:47:04,922 --> 00:47:06,355
Look, I know it's
a little bit last-minute, but...
1005
00:47:06,423 --> 00:47:09,517
No, no, no!
Hey! Let's do this.
1006
00:47:09,593 --> 00:47:11,185
Let's party. Wow.
1007
00:47:11,261 --> 00:47:12,751
Awesome. Awesome!
Please.
1008
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:13,956
Okay. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
1009
00:47:14,031 --> 00:47:15,123
I'm sure.
1010
00:47:15,199 --> 00:47:17,064
Here's the info.
Hell, yeah.
1011
00:47:17,134 --> 00:47:20,160
And don't forget
to bring your husband.
1012
00:47:20,237 --> 00:47:22,569
My, husband? Yes, of course.
1013
00:47:23,207 --> 00:47:24,640
Don't go anywhere without him.
1014
00:47:24,708 --> 00:47:27,677
He's like a...
He's like an infection, too.
1015
00:47:29,646 --> 00:47:34,049
Are you gonna be bringing
your significant other person thing?
1016
00:47:34,518 --> 00:47:36,486
Oh, I'm not gay,
if that's what you mean.
1017
00:47:36,553 --> 00:47:39,420
And I just broke up
with my boyfriend, so...
1018
00:47:40,557 --> 00:47:41,581
I mean...
1019
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:45,856
It's fine.
So am I gonna see you there?
1020
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:47,018
I'll be there.
1021
00:47:47,097 --> 00:47:48,155
Okay.
1022
00:47:48,232 --> 00:47:50,632
Oh, you wanna go?
Yeah.
1023
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:52,464
See you.
Yeah.
1024
00:47:55,005 --> 00:47:56,768
Hell, yeah!
1025
00:47:57,774 --> 00:48:00,140
Sorry, did you say something?
1026
00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:05,409
No, they got K-Y jelly,
two for $1. Hell, yeah.
1027
00:48:06,917 --> 00:48:08,384
Okay. Bye.
1028
00:48:08,452 --> 00:48:09,885
Bye.
1029
00:48:13,423 --> 00:48:15,186
Yeah, this does work.
1030
00:48:19,496 --> 00:48:21,191
Got some mail for you,
Mr. Valentine.
1031
00:48:21,265 --> 00:48:24,132
Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron.
1032
00:48:26,336 --> 00:48:27,496
Something I can do for you?
1033
00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,597
I couldn't help overhearing
you and Mr. Levine
1034
00:48:30,674 --> 00:48:33,507
talking about your arrangement
the other day.
1035
00:48:33,577 --> 00:48:37,377
Yeah, we're a couple, so...
1036
00:48:37,447 --> 00:48:42,043
Right. I also caught
a bit of what you said pertaining to me.
1037
00:48:42,152 --> 00:48:43,176
What? I'm sorry?
1038
00:48:43,253 --> 00:48:47,553
I heard you mention to the gentleman
that you thought I was a hottie.
1039
00:48:47,624 --> 00:48:51,355
Oh. Yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry if that came off a little weird.
1040
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:53,123
I was feeling...
Oh, no, no, no.
1041
00:48:53,196 --> 00:48:54,788
It's nothing to worry about, sir.
1042
00:48:55,599 --> 00:48:56,588
I don't bite.
1043
00:48:57,935 --> 00:48:59,232
Oh, okay.
1044
00:48:59,503 --> 00:49:00,993
Listen, just so you know,
1045
00:49:01,071 --> 00:49:02,936
if you're ever home alone
in the afternoons.
1046
00:49:03,807 --> 00:49:05,138
I make drop-offs.
1047
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,001
Yeah.
1048
00:49:07,077 --> 00:49:08,476
And I always deliver.
1049
00:49:08,545 --> 00:49:11,207
You know what?
I'm pretty loyal to Chuck.
1050
00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:14,045
Right, I understand that.
I'm just saying if you ever want to
1051
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:17,917
explore your other feelings,
there's no extra postage.
1052
00:49:18,021 --> 00:49:20,148
And it's always first-class.
1053
00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:23,090
All right. Anything else you feel
you need to say, there?
1054
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:24,286
I handle with care.
1055
00:49:24,361 --> 00:49:25,885
Okay, Ron, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
1056
00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:27,760
And I'd be happy to come in
through the back door.
1057
00:49:27,831 --> 00:49:29,924
I'm sure you would.
1058
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,831
Used to holding
large packages.
1059
00:49:39,409 --> 00:49:41,274
This actually ain't
gonna be bad, man.
1060
00:49:41,345 --> 00:49:43,870
Just some regular
gay folks having a party.
1061
00:49:46,116 --> 00:49:48,710
I'm dirty! Who's dirty?
Are you...
1062
00:49:51,355 --> 00:49:53,619
Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza.
1063
00:50:00,230 --> 00:50:03,222
You know what? Find Alex, say hello,
and let's get the hell out of here.
1064
00:50:03,300 --> 00:50:04,733
I'm going to take a leak.
1065
00:50:04,801 --> 00:50:06,564
You're gonna go
to the men's room? Here?
1066
00:50:06,937 --> 00:50:08,029
What's wrong with that?
1067
00:50:08,105 --> 00:50:10,073
I peed three times
before I got here.
1068
00:50:10,374 --> 00:50:11,363
I'll be fine.
1069
00:50:11,441 --> 00:50:12,738
Apple martini?
1070
00:50:25,188 --> 00:50:27,315
Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer.
1071
00:50:34,498 --> 00:50:36,363
Look at that. Perfection.
1072
00:50:38,668 --> 00:50:41,193
I want to suck your blood.
1073
00:50:42,539 --> 00:50:44,200
Suck my what?
1074
00:50:45,509 --> 00:50:47,204
Nothing.
1075
00:50:47,277 --> 00:50:49,245
It's cool.
You want to suck something.
1076
00:50:49,312 --> 00:50:52,406
I was talking to somebody else.
1077
00:50:52,482 --> 00:50:54,347
Hey! Don't go, bitch!
1078
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,012
Don't be a tease!
1079
00:50:58,121 --> 00:50:59,452
You whore!
1080
00:51:07,597 --> 00:51:09,155
Hello?
1081
00:51:12,169 --> 00:51:13,727
Anybody here?
1082
00:51:18,141 --> 00:51:21,372
Oh, my God.
All right, let's do this.
1083
00:51:36,059 --> 00:51:39,495
Chuck! Hey!
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
1084
00:51:39,996 --> 00:51:41,588
Alex? That's you, right?
1085
00:51:41,665 --> 00:51:43,428
Yeah. I'm Catwoman.
1086
00:51:46,002 --> 00:51:47,526
Wow, so...
1087
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:50,573
I had no idea Dracula
could look so fierce.
1088
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,574
I like Betty Butterfly the most.
1089
00:51:52,642 --> 00:51:55,941
On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah!
1090
00:51:56,012 --> 00:51:58,037
That's my brother, Kevin.
1091
00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,309
He's your brother?
You're related to him?
1092
00:51:59,382 --> 00:52:00,440
Yes.
1093
00:52:00,517 --> 00:52:02,985
He's gotta come out of the closet already.
I feel bad.
1094
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:05,613
It must eat him up inside
knowing he's got so many secrets.
1095
00:52:05,689 --> 00:52:06,917
Shut up.
1096
00:52:10,627 --> 00:52:13,391
My underwear's
just riding up my core.
1097
00:52:13,897 --> 00:52:16,092
Seriously, I got some applesauce
going on down there.
1098
00:52:16,166 --> 00:52:18,532
I can't wait to launder
that load.
1099
00:52:18,602 --> 00:52:20,229
What's up, apple dumpling?
What's crack-a-lacking?
1100
00:52:20,303 --> 00:52:23,363
What's crack-a-what?
I'm sorry, who are you? Do I know you?
1101
00:52:23,440 --> 00:52:25,908
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Kevin,
Alex's brother.
1102
00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:27,910
Oh, hey, man.
What's up, man?
1103
00:52:28,011 --> 00:52:29,205
Larry, Chuck's better half.
1104
00:52:29,279 --> 00:52:30,439
Oh, wow.
1105
00:52:30,514 --> 00:52:32,607
Better two-thirds, actually.
1106
00:52:32,849 --> 00:52:35,044
So, I got a question.
I know you know it's coming.
1107
00:52:35,118 --> 00:52:37,177
I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna do it!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
1108
00:52:37,254 --> 00:52:38,881
Who's pitching
and who's catching?
1109
00:52:38,955 --> 00:52:42,322
You mean who's the chick
and who's the guy and that kind of thing?
1110
00:52:42,392 --> 00:52:45,293
Please don't feel obligated to answer that.
It's none of our business.
1111
00:52:45,362 --> 00:52:46,454
I know it's not,
but it's fun to know.
1112
00:52:46,530 --> 00:52:49,328
Really not a problem. Let's see.
This is gonna be a cool experiment.
1113
00:52:49,399 --> 00:52:51,424
Who do you think
is the chick out of us two?
1114
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:54,095
One, two, three. Chuck!
One, two, three. Chuck!
1115
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:55,661
So Chuck!
I know.
1116
00:52:55,739 --> 00:52:57,366
What do you mean, Chuck?
1117
00:52:58,275 --> 00:53:00,743
Why would you think
I'm the chick?
1118
00:53:00,810 --> 00:53:02,277
Well, he's an apple.
1119
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:04,745
Very masculine.
Very solid fruit.
1120
00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:08,113
And you're Count Suckula
with a straw in your beard.
1121
00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:11,416
I'm drinking through a straw
'cause I don't want to smear my lipstick.
1122
00:53:11,488 --> 00:53:14,184
Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right.
Good, good, good. Okay.
1123
00:53:14,257 --> 00:53:17,693
I also think it's because
you have very sweet, sensitive eyes.
1124
00:53:17,761 --> 00:53:20,924
And that's very rare
to find in a guy.
1125
00:53:20,997 --> 00:53:23,830
Well, you have very sweet
and sensitive eyes, too.
1126
00:53:23,900 --> 00:53:24,958
I do?
1127
00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:26,434
Us chicks should
stick together, huh?
1128
00:53:26,503 --> 00:53:27,993
Take it easy, buddy.
1129
00:53:28,071 --> 00:53:30,767
Girls rule and boys drool.
1130
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:32,330
Yeah.
1131
00:53:32,409 --> 00:53:33,706
Oh, my God!
1132
00:53:33,777 --> 00:53:35,335
You okay? Breathe!
1133
00:53:35,579 --> 00:53:36,603
This is my jam!
1134
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,875
This is my jam! You know that!
This is my jam! Watch my drink, okay?
1135
00:53:39,195 --> 00:53:41,186
Okay, okay.
It's my jam!
1136
00:53:42,431 --> 00:53:43,728
So?
Yo.
1137
00:53:44,233 --> 00:53:45,860
You gonna show me your moves?
1138
00:53:47,369 --> 00:53:50,167
Oh, my God,
she got the flags out.
1139
00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:51,797
I can't dance for shit.
Can you?
1140
00:53:51,874 --> 00:53:53,136
Hell, no.
1141
00:53:57,246 --> 00:54:00,477
Look at these guys, man.
They're freaking Travoltas!
1142
00:54:02,151 --> 00:54:06,110
Gay guys know how to dance good.
It's like the law or some shit.
1143
00:54:09,024 --> 00:54:10,651
Get in the circle right now!
1144
00:54:10,726 --> 00:54:11,988
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
1145
00:54:12,061 --> 00:54:13,392
Any second, man.
Glad to be here.
1146
00:54:13,462 --> 00:54:15,430
I can't wait. I can't wait!
1147
00:54:16,065 --> 00:54:17,692
Look at this.
1148
00:54:17,766 --> 00:54:20,963
Hey, the butterfly's coming
out of his cocoon again.
1149
00:54:22,838 --> 00:54:24,499
That's my brother!
1150
00:54:24,573 --> 00:54:26,768
This is his jam!
It is his jam.
1151
00:54:30,479 --> 00:54:31,537
Kevin's having fun.
1152
00:54:31,614 --> 00:54:32,876
I didn't need to see that.
1153
00:54:33,782 --> 00:54:35,113
I'm flying!
1154
00:54:35,184 --> 00:54:36,242
We gotta look good at this.
1155
00:54:36,318 --> 00:54:37,444
It's showtime, boys!
1156
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:38,680
Whoa!
1157
00:54:40,022 --> 00:54:41,080
I'm sorry!
1158
00:54:41,156 --> 00:54:42,248
No, it's part of it.
1159
00:54:42,324 --> 00:54:45,885
All right, Larry, get up.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
1160
00:54:48,964 --> 00:54:51,194
We're busted, dude,
we're busted.
1161
00:54:51,267 --> 00:54:53,258
Let's go junior high on their ass.
1162
00:54:53,335 --> 00:54:54,393
Junior high?
1163
00:54:54,603 --> 00:54:56,230
Yeah. Let's do this.
1164
00:54:56,305 --> 00:54:57,533
Okay.
1165
00:55:11,954 --> 00:55:13,478
Is it working?
1166
00:55:13,556 --> 00:55:16,787
I don't know.
I'm afraid to look up.
1167
00:55:16,859 --> 00:55:18,918
I think it is.
I think it is.
1168
00:55:30,539 --> 00:55:32,268
Oh, my God.
1169
00:55:32,441 --> 00:55:34,841
We really pulled this one
out of our asses.
1170
00:55:35,244 --> 00:55:39,340
Bad choice of words, there, Larry.
Bad choice of words.
1171
00:55:43,285 --> 00:55:46,015
Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball
game every Tuesday night at 6:00.
1172
00:55:46,088 --> 00:55:48,283
If you guys want to play,
the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.
1173
00:55:48,357 --> 00:55:51,087
Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.
1174
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:52,354
Nice to meet you guys.
1175
00:55:52,428 --> 00:55:56,387
Sinners and fornicators!
We are not here in anger!
1176
00:55:56,465 --> 00:55:59,525
We are here to save you
from eternal damnation!
1177
00:56:00,736 --> 00:56:01,794
Hey, buddy!
1178
00:56:01,870 --> 00:56:04,498
Wait, come on already!
This is a private event.
1179
00:56:04,573 --> 00:56:05,835
Now, give it a rest.
1180
00:56:05,908 --> 00:56:09,400
Aren't you worried about
where you'll spend eternity?
1181
00:56:09,511 --> 00:56:11,411
This is what these guys do
on a Saturday night?
1182
00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:14,176
They just want everyone to be
as miserable as they are.
1183
00:56:14,249 --> 00:56:19,152
Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!
1184
00:56:19,722 --> 00:56:20,882
It's over, baby.
1185
00:56:20,956 --> 00:56:22,890
Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way!
1186
00:56:22,958 --> 00:56:27,691
Hey, hey! You heard the man.
It's a private party, so take a walk.
1187
00:56:27,763 --> 00:56:30,960
This is a public sidewalk.
We have every right to be here!
1188
00:56:31,033 --> 00:56:32,660
And we have every right
to be queer!
1189
00:56:32,735 --> 00:56:34,168
Yeah!
1190
00:56:35,871 --> 00:56:40,501
Homosexuality is
an abomination.
1191
00:56:40,876 --> 00:56:44,505
Hey, news flash, man.
That jacket's an abomination.
1192
00:56:45,114 --> 00:56:48,379
Gay is the way! Gay is the way!
Gay is not the way!
1193
00:56:48,884 --> 00:56:51,580
Hey, what makes you think
that you have the right to dictate
1194
00:56:51,654 --> 00:56:53,053
how other people
live their lives?
1195
00:56:53,122 --> 00:56:56,091
I'm a minister.
I'm allowed to preach in any public forum.
1196
00:56:56,158 --> 00:56:57,489
Well, I'm a fireman.
1197
00:56:57,559 --> 00:57:00,357
I say you're blocking emergency access,
so let's call it a night, guys.
1198
00:57:00,429 --> 00:57:03,091
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're a fireman?
1199
00:57:03,165 --> 00:57:05,326
You are a disgrace!
1200
00:57:05,401 --> 00:57:07,892
You're a flamer,
is what you are.
1201
00:57:08,003 --> 00:57:10,028
All right, oh, my God.
There's no reasoning
with these people.
1202
00:57:10,105 --> 00:57:12,539
Just let it go. Just let it go.
Just let it go.
1203
00:57:12,608 --> 00:57:14,371
Come on, come on.
Let it go, guys.
1204
00:57:14,443 --> 00:57:16,343
Have a good day.
See you later.
1205
00:57:16,412 --> 00:57:17,777
Faggots.
1206
00:57:18,514 --> 00:57:20,345
I'm sorry?
What did you call me?
1207
00:57:20,749 --> 00:57:22,740
Oh, I called you a faggot.
1208
00:57:23,819 --> 00:57:25,116
Faggot.
1209
00:57:28,924 --> 00:57:32,917
For your information,
the accepted vernacular is "gay."
1210
00:57:35,931 --> 00:57:39,992
Homos, one. Crazy people, zero.
Official score.
1211
00:57:47,009 --> 00:57:48,977
Gentlemen, I have
a very simple philosophy.
1212
00:57:49,044 --> 00:57:50,909
What you shove up your ass
is your own business.
1213
00:57:50,979 --> 00:57:52,640
Captain...
Shut up.
1214
00:57:52,715 --> 00:57:56,708
Now, it's not my style to get involved
in the personal lives of my firemen.
1215
00:57:56,785 --> 00:57:57,877
And if sometimes I've given you
1216
00:57:57,953 --> 00:58:00,513
the impression that I'm your friend,
I apologize.
1217
00:58:01,590 --> 00:58:06,323
However, I seriously doubt
that you two are banging each other.
1218
00:58:06,395 --> 00:58:09,922
You and Paula, the most beautiful couple
I ever laid eyes on.
1219
00:58:09,998 --> 00:58:14,128
And you, if my pencil sharpener had a skirt,
I'd have to hide it.
1220
00:58:15,003 --> 00:58:19,303
Look, do you have any idea of the stress
an administrative position entails?
1221
00:58:19,374 --> 00:58:21,604
I've already got
a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.
1222
00:58:21,677 --> 00:58:22,871
And now, thanks to you two bozos,
1223
00:58:22,945 --> 00:58:25,607
I've got the Pension Department
pissing up my chimney,
1224
00:58:25,681 --> 00:58:27,615
not to mention every flaming fruit bat
south of Poughkeepsie
1225
00:58:27,683 --> 00:58:30,709
that wants to come down here to our house
and slide up and down our pole!
1226
00:58:30,786 --> 00:58:32,583
We should tell him the truth.
We'll tell him the truth.
1227
00:58:32,654 --> 00:58:34,622
We'll tell him the truth.
lx-nay on the uth-tray!
1228
00:58:34,690 --> 00:58:36,180
I don't want to hear about it.
1229
00:58:36,258 --> 00:58:38,249
And if this marriage is
something you've cooked up
1230
00:58:38,327 --> 00:58:41,785
in response to this pension problem,
you are not taking me down with you.
1231
00:58:41,864 --> 00:58:43,627
I will report you.
You will go to jail,
1232
00:58:43,699 --> 00:58:45,098
where you won't have
to pretend to be gay,
1233
00:58:45,167 --> 00:58:48,398
because your asses'll be busier
than a test bench in a plunger factory.
1234
00:58:52,274 --> 00:58:55,141
I just wanted to thank you again
for what you did at the fundraiser.
1235
00:58:55,210 --> 00:58:57,735
Oh, yeah,
that was no big deal.
1236
00:58:57,813 --> 00:58:59,974
You sound a little down.
Where's Larry?
1237
00:59:00,048 --> 00:59:03,643
He's at school with the kids,
doing the Career Day thing.
1238
00:59:03,719 --> 00:59:06,347
So does that mean that you can have
a girl's day with me?
1239
00:59:06,421 --> 00:59:07,615
A girl's day?
Yeah.
1240
00:59:07,689 --> 00:59:09,987
I need some new shoes,
new underwear.
1241
00:59:10,058 --> 00:59:11,184
Girl's day!
1242
00:59:11,260 --> 00:59:12,318
Uh-huh.
1243
00:59:14,530 --> 00:59:17,192
Girl's day! Sure.
1244
00:59:18,567 --> 00:59:20,262
I'll pick you up.
1245
01:00:39,381 --> 01:00:44,444
So, by trading in
pre-refunded municipal bonds,
1246
01:00:44,519 --> 01:00:48,683
we can offer our clients
triple tax-exempt returns.
1247
01:00:49,558 --> 01:00:51,150
Any questions?
1248
01:00:54,062 --> 01:00:56,030
There never are.
1249
01:00:56,098 --> 01:01:00,125
Thank you, Mr. Auerbach,
for that very nice trip down Wall Street.
1250
01:01:00,202 --> 01:01:03,933
Our next parent is Larry Valentine,
Tori's father.
1251
01:01:04,006 --> 01:01:06,668
Hi, everybody!
I am a firefighter,
1252
01:01:07,242 --> 01:01:10,575
and I'm proud to be one because
it's my job to protect the community
1253
01:01:10,646 --> 01:01:13,809
and make sure
it's a safe environment for all.
1254
01:01:13,916 --> 01:01:16,441
Whoa! We got some questions already.
1255
01:01:18,854 --> 01:01:20,116
Yeah.
1256
01:01:20,188 --> 01:01:24,147
I don't like girls, either.
Does that mean I'm gay, too?
1257
01:01:26,929 --> 01:01:28,954
No, no.
1258
01:01:30,132 --> 01:01:32,123
You were married
to a woman, right?
1259
01:01:32,768 --> 01:01:33,792
Yes.
1260
01:01:33,869 --> 01:01:36,303
Does that mean
you're half-lesbian?
1261
01:01:36,371 --> 01:01:40,307
Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk
about his career today, okay?
1262
01:01:40,375 --> 01:01:42,900
Mr. Valentine?
You said you're a fireman.
1263
01:01:42,978 --> 01:01:44,138
Yes, that is correct.
1264
01:01:44,212 --> 01:01:45,577
Do you have two jobs?
1265
01:01:45,647 --> 01:01:48,912
Because my dad said
that you're also a butt pirate.
1266
01:01:54,556 --> 01:01:55,784
Larry.
1267
01:01:55,857 --> 01:01:57,154
Steve.
1268
01:01:57,559 --> 01:01:58,617
Rough crowd, huh?
1269
01:01:58,694 --> 01:02:00,127
Kids.
Yeah.
1270
01:02:00,195 --> 01:02:03,926
So, listen. We're all set
for the Boy Scout overnight this month.
1271
01:02:03,999 --> 01:02:05,296
Oh, great. We're all set?
1272
01:02:06,368 --> 01:02:09,633
No, we're all set,
like we don't need any more fathers.
1273
01:02:09,705 --> 01:02:12,503
All right, well, then, I guess I'll see you
at Little League, then, all right?
1274
01:02:12,574 --> 01:02:14,804
Oh, you know what?
We're good.
1275
01:02:15,344 --> 01:02:16,436
We are good.
1276
01:02:16,511 --> 01:02:18,035
No, no, no, we're not good.
1277
01:02:18,747 --> 01:02:21,307
We don't need you for Little League.
We're good.
1278
01:02:21,383 --> 01:02:25,285
Okay, Steve, what's going on?
I signed up to coach three months ago.
1279
01:02:25,354 --> 01:02:29,154
Larry, I don't want to get into this
with you here.
1280
01:02:29,224 --> 01:02:32,660
Hey, you know what, Steve?
You're really starting to piss me off.
1281
01:02:32,728 --> 01:02:35,390
I'm trying to get Eric
interested in baseball.
1282
01:02:35,464 --> 01:02:37,728
That kid interested
in baseball?
1283
01:02:37,799 --> 01:02:39,926
You got a better chance getting
Colonel Sanders interested
1284
01:02:40,002 --> 01:02:42,129
in a hamburger, buddy.
1285
01:02:46,408 --> 01:02:48,638
Fight! Fight! Fight!
1286
01:02:51,813 --> 01:02:54,304
Your dad's gay and so are you.
1287
01:03:02,791 --> 01:03:04,554
Oh, my hair!
Oh, my hair, my hair!
1288
01:03:04,626 --> 01:03:05,820
Oh, my clothes!
1289
01:03:05,894 --> 01:03:07,486
Oh, am I frizzy?
I'm getting frizzy!
1290
01:03:07,562 --> 01:03:12,329
You asshole! Go back to Jersey!
You can go back to Jersey!
1291
01:03:12,401 --> 01:03:15,837
Come on, honey!
Please open the door!
1292
01:03:19,207 --> 01:03:22,108
Whoa, nice pad.
1293
01:03:22,177 --> 01:03:23,576
Oh, thank you.
1294
01:03:23,779 --> 01:03:27,271
Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow
a sweatshirt or something?
1295
01:03:27,349 --> 01:03:29,909
No, no. I'm great, I'm great.
Thank you.
1296
01:03:29,985 --> 01:03:31,816
Okay, but I am freezing, so...
1297
01:03:36,525 --> 01:03:37,549
What are you doing there?
1298
01:03:37,626 --> 01:03:39,025
Well, it's wet.
1299
01:03:46,868 --> 01:03:49,393
Actually, you know what?
I'll take that sweatshirt.
1300
01:03:49,471 --> 01:03:50,665
Oh, yeah.
1301
01:03:53,041 --> 01:03:54,201
Thanks.
1302
01:04:04,186 --> 01:04:07,519
So, that's a great body
you got there. I mean,
1303
01:04:08,423 --> 01:04:10,584
it could be the best body
I've ever seen in my life.
1304
01:04:10,659 --> 01:04:11,921
Shut up.
1305
01:04:11,993 --> 01:04:14,188
Besides Larry's. But yours...
1306
01:04:15,564 --> 01:04:18,260
Your tush looks like
it's made of muscle,
1307
01:04:18,333 --> 01:04:20,927
and Larry's is made of pudding
and Quarter Pounders
1308
01:04:21,002 --> 01:04:22,697
and God knows what.
1309
01:04:22,771 --> 01:04:25,262
Well, these are real, by the way.
I mean, nobody thinks they are.
1310
01:04:25,340 --> 01:04:27,968
Everyone thinks they're fake,
but they are real.
1311
01:04:28,043 --> 01:04:32,104
Alex. You don't gotta lie to me.
We're two girls hanging out. Come on.
1312
01:04:32,180 --> 01:04:34,876
You kidding me?
There's no silicone here, I swear.
1313
01:04:34,950 --> 01:04:37,919
Oh, no big deal if they are or not.
I don't care.
1314
01:04:37,986 --> 01:04:40,318
I've got nothing to hide.
Feel them.
1315
01:04:41,056 --> 01:04:42,819
Feel them?
Feel them.
1316
01:04:43,391 --> 01:04:44,949
I mean, I...
1317
01:04:47,395 --> 01:04:49,090
I have a...
1318
01:04:49,164 --> 01:04:53,362
I'd rather feel a flabby man pec,
to be honest with you,
1319
01:04:53,435 --> 01:04:55,733
but in the name of science,
if you need me to hold
1320
01:04:55,804 --> 01:04:58,705
your bodacious Bahama mamas,
1321
01:04:58,773 --> 01:05:01,105
or whatever the guys call them nowadays,
I'll do it.
1322
01:05:01,176 --> 01:05:02,837
Yes, go ahead.
Oh!
1323
01:05:05,714 --> 01:05:07,204
Well?
1324
01:05:07,282 --> 01:05:09,147
Yeah, they're real.
1325
01:05:10,018 --> 01:05:11,246
Told you.
1326
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:12,748
And creamy.
1327
01:05:15,690 --> 01:05:16,952
And fun.
1328
01:05:17,859 --> 01:05:19,986
For someone who would like
something like this, this is...
1329
01:05:20,061 --> 01:05:22,188
But to me, it's, like, ew.
1330
01:05:22,731 --> 01:05:25,859
I just got a little nauseous there,
touching them. That's funny.
1331
01:05:25,934 --> 01:05:27,526
You want a bite?
1332
01:05:28,436 --> 01:05:30,461
No, no, no.
Feeling them's enough.
1333
01:05:30,906 --> 01:05:31,930
I'll do that again.
1334
01:05:32,007 --> 01:05:35,374
No, no, I meant food.
Are you hungry?
1335
01:05:35,443 --> 01:05:37,968
Oh! I'm sorry.
1336
01:05:38,046 --> 01:05:40,037
Yeah, no... Just...
1337
01:05:40,949 --> 01:05:42,507
That was funny.
1338
01:05:53,662 --> 01:05:55,129
Nice, nice.
1339
01:05:58,066 --> 01:06:01,001
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Me and Nootzie against you three guys.
1340
01:06:01,069 --> 01:06:02,536
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1341
01:06:03,238 --> 01:06:04,728
You don't want to play?
1342
01:06:05,473 --> 01:06:07,566
Hey, Chuckie,
I gotta be honest with you.
1343
01:06:07,642 --> 01:06:10,873
You play real physical defense,
and none of us want you copping a feel
1344
01:06:10,946 --> 01:06:14,040
or rubbing up against
the old boosh-cadoosh here.
1345
01:06:14,282 --> 01:06:17,080
Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean
that you're horny for every guy you meet.
1346
01:06:17,152 --> 01:06:19,450
Oh, really? 'Cause every time
you covered me in the past,
1347
01:06:19,521 --> 01:06:21,455
I feel like you were
grab-assing on me.
1348
01:06:21,523 --> 01:06:25,015
Yeah. Let the WNBA play.
Come on.
1349
01:06:26,228 --> 01:06:27,490
Fine, go.
1350
01:06:29,397 --> 01:06:30,989
Unbelievable.
1351
01:06:41,843 --> 01:06:43,071
Oh, God.
1352
01:06:43,745 --> 01:06:45,372
What, you want
to mess with me, too?
1353
01:06:46,047 --> 01:06:48,208
Huh? You want to mess
with the queer?
1354
01:06:48,283 --> 01:06:51,116
'Cause this queer don't take shit
from nobody. Let's go, then.
1355
01:06:51,186 --> 01:06:54,917
You ready? I'm a fireman, man!
I ain't afraid of nothing!
1356
01:06:56,658 --> 01:06:58,421
Put your fists down.
1357
01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:19,708
Me, too.
1358
01:07:20,415 --> 01:07:21,575
You, too?
1359
01:07:22,651 --> 01:07:23,640
You, too, what?
1360
01:07:25,720 --> 01:07:26,948
I'm gay.
1361
01:07:29,924 --> 01:07:32,358
I can't believe
I finally said it.
1362
01:07:34,329 --> 01:07:36,422
Oh, God, it feels so good.
1363
01:07:36,631 --> 01:07:39,259
It's just like a wave
is crashing over me.
1364
01:07:41,736 --> 01:07:43,363
It's so liberating.
1365
01:07:43,438 --> 01:07:44,769
Oh, yeah.
1366
01:07:47,008 --> 01:07:50,375
Do you remember
the first time you said it?
1367
01:07:50,912 --> 01:07:53,881
First time I said... Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1368
01:07:53,948 --> 01:07:55,848
I was with Larry.
1369
01:07:55,917 --> 01:07:57,612
Your lover.
Yeah.
1370
01:07:58,253 --> 01:08:00,744
Who, by the way,
is absolutely gorgeous.
1371
01:08:00,822 --> 01:08:02,619
Oh, thanks.
1372
01:08:02,691 --> 01:08:04,659
He's mine, though, so...
1373
01:08:04,726 --> 01:08:06,455
Oh, no, that's your man.
1374
01:08:06,528 --> 01:08:07,517
Mmm-hmm.
1375
01:08:07,595 --> 01:08:08,721
Yeah.
1376
01:08:08,797 --> 01:08:11,925
My whole life
I've been living a lie.
1377
01:08:12,000 --> 01:08:16,061
But you and Larry have given me
the strength to be true to myself.
1378
01:08:16,705 --> 01:08:18,730
"To thine own self be true."
1379
01:08:20,809 --> 01:08:25,007
There's nothing worse than pretending
to be something that you're not.
1380
01:08:25,080 --> 01:08:29,881
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm glad.
I'm glad we helped you out,
1381
01:08:30,485 --> 01:08:33,283
and anything else we can do,
you don't hesitate to ask.
1382
01:08:33,588 --> 01:08:37,149
Would you help me
tell my parents?
1383
01:08:38,193 --> 01:08:39,217
I guess.
1384
01:08:39,294 --> 01:08:40,488
Yes!
1385
01:08:40,562 --> 01:08:42,689
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1386
01:08:42,764 --> 01:08:44,493
Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl!
1387
01:08:46,201 --> 01:08:48,726
Hey, did you guys catch
that Mets game last night?
1388
01:08:48,803 --> 01:08:51,704
They got a shot of my cousin
throwing a beer at the ump.
1389
01:08:51,773 --> 01:08:54,367
I missed it. Took my sister
to the electrolysis place
1390
01:08:54,442 --> 01:08:55,773
for a second opinion.
1391
01:08:55,844 --> 01:08:57,505
They said there's nothing
they could do.
1392
01:08:59,914 --> 01:09:01,905
What the hell is so funny?
1393
01:09:28,576 --> 01:09:30,168
No!
1394
01:09:46,895 --> 01:09:47,953
Pick that up, would you?
1395
01:09:48,029 --> 01:09:49,826
I ain't picking that up!
1396
01:09:49,898 --> 01:09:52,628
You want my soap, Renaldo?
Right here.
1397
01:09:55,637 --> 01:09:57,036
Hey, Tony, give me your soap.
1398
01:09:57,105 --> 01:09:59,198
No. I don't share soap.
Too many germies.
1399
01:09:59,340 --> 01:10:00,932
Come on, give me the damn bar of soap!
1400
01:10:01,042 --> 01:10:02,373
Get out of here! Get out of here!
1401
01:10:09,918 --> 01:10:11,579
Who's gonna do it?
1402
01:10:39,314 --> 01:10:41,043
Hey, how you doing?
1403
01:10:43,318 --> 01:10:44,717
Hey, Duncan.
1404
01:10:46,254 --> 01:10:48,552
I'll tell you about that later.
1405
01:10:53,661 --> 01:10:58,621
'Cause I'm every woman
It's all in me
1406
01:10:58,700 --> 01:11:02,830
Anything you want now, baby
I'll do it naturally
1407
01:11:05,840 --> 01:11:07,671
Let me hear you say it
1408
01:11:09,944 --> 01:11:10,933
Lawrence.
1409
01:11:11,012 --> 01:11:12,570
Oh, a little louder
1410
01:11:14,849 --> 01:11:16,783
Everybody sing now
1411
01:11:19,053 --> 01:11:21,248
I can't hear you sing
1412
01:11:30,632 --> 01:11:31,997
All right, yours is done.
1413
01:11:32,066 --> 01:11:33,761
Yours, too.
1414
01:11:33,835 --> 01:11:35,359
All right, take a look.
Okay.
1415
01:11:35,436 --> 01:11:37,404
"Girlz Rule" with a "Z."
1416
01:11:37,472 --> 01:11:38,962
This is so awesome.
1417
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,064
I hope you like yours.
1418
01:11:40,141 --> 01:11:41,506
Let's see here.
1419
01:11:42,076 --> 01:11:44,101
"Friends forever."
1420
01:11:45,113 --> 01:11:47,604
Anything with forever and you in it
sounds pretty good to me.
1421
01:11:47,682 --> 01:11:50,242
This is great.
Just slide her on.
1422
01:11:50,318 --> 01:11:52,218
You know what's
still bugging me, though?
1423
01:11:52,287 --> 01:11:55,518
That those Guidos wouldn't even
let you play basketball with them.
1424
01:11:55,590 --> 01:11:59,048
We could get a court order
and have them suspended in two seconds.
1425
01:11:59,127 --> 01:12:01,561
Court order? No, no, no.
These guys are good guys.
1426
01:12:01,629 --> 01:12:03,859
They're just having
problems adjusting.
1427
01:12:04,265 --> 01:12:06,199
Calm down. Relax.
Finish your wine.
1428
01:12:06,267 --> 01:12:07,598
Come on.
1429
01:12:07,669 --> 01:12:09,227
Okay.
1430
01:12:13,942 --> 01:12:15,671
You're right. You're right.
Yeah.
1431
01:12:15,743 --> 01:12:18,678
But you know what would really
help me to relax?
1432
01:12:20,748 --> 01:12:22,147
Is a foot rub.
1433
01:12:22,850 --> 01:12:26,684
Please. Please.
You'll be my bestest friend.
1434
01:12:27,522 --> 01:12:30,855
Oh, they're good.
Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these.
1435
01:12:31,926 --> 01:12:34,986
You know, I love that you're
a chubby chaser, by the way.
1436
01:12:35,063 --> 01:12:36,257
A chubby what-what?
1437
01:12:36,331 --> 01:12:38,356
Well, you know,
Larry's heavyset.
1438
01:12:38,433 --> 01:12:41,925
I mean, is that the type of guy
you've always been attracted to?
1439
01:12:43,004 --> 01:12:45,905
No, he's my first fatty.
1440
01:12:46,608 --> 01:12:50,476
Yeah, you guys really seem
like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
1441
01:12:50,545 --> 01:12:53,036
I float his boat
and he sinks mine.
1442
01:12:53,514 --> 01:12:58,850
Yeah, I've never had that, really had that,
with anybody before. I just...
1443
01:12:58,920 --> 01:13:01,320
I don't even know
if I know what I'm doing.
1444
01:13:01,389 --> 01:13:02,378
What?
1445
01:13:02,457 --> 01:13:04,789
I'm serious. Come on.
1446
01:13:05,727 --> 01:13:08,662
Give me some moves.
How do you turn Larry on?
1447
01:13:09,030 --> 01:13:11,430
How do I turn Larry on?
1448
01:13:13,167 --> 01:13:17,433
I mean, to get him into bed, of course,
I just lay a pizza out...
1449
01:13:17,505 --> 01:13:19,029
No!
...and he comes running.
1450
01:13:19,107 --> 01:13:20,631
Really. Seriously.
1451
01:13:21,809 --> 01:13:27,509
Well, he likes it
when I rub his big, hairy earlobe.
1452
01:13:28,049 --> 01:13:29,482
That gets him crazy.
1453
01:13:29,550 --> 01:13:30,574
Really?
1454
01:13:30,652 --> 01:13:32,381
Yeah, it's a spot of his.
1455
01:13:33,187 --> 01:13:34,484
Try it on me.
1456
01:13:34,555 --> 01:13:35,852
Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.
1457
01:13:35,923 --> 01:13:37,015
Yeah.
1458
01:13:37,091 --> 01:13:39,059
You know, I just grab it and...
1459
01:13:40,561 --> 01:13:44,998
Usually when I do this to Larry,
he's like, boing! You know?
1460
01:13:45,800 --> 01:13:47,358
I love it.
You do?
1461
01:13:47,435 --> 01:13:48,868
Yeah. Like that?
1462
01:13:48,936 --> 01:13:51,666
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah,
work both hands. I like that.
1463
01:13:51,739 --> 01:13:54,503
And then you can go to some hair-pulling,
right about like that.
1464
01:13:54,575 --> 01:13:55,633
Like that?
Yeah.
1465
01:13:55,710 --> 01:13:57,837
Oh, yeah, let him know you're there,
know what I mean?
1466
01:13:57,912 --> 01:13:59,812
And then the slap out
of nowhere is good.
1467
01:13:59,881 --> 01:14:01,644
That is good.
Uh-huh.
1468
01:14:02,650 --> 01:14:05,278
Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting
kind of smacking.
1469
01:14:05,353 --> 01:14:08,117
Just light and sexual and fun.
Sorry.
1470
01:14:08,189 --> 01:14:10,953
How did you get to be
so good at all this?
1471
01:14:11,025 --> 01:14:13,823
I don't know.
A lot of practice I guess.
1472
01:14:13,895 --> 01:14:17,228
I used to be kind of a jerk.
1473
01:14:17,298 --> 01:14:21,359
But then you meet
somebody special
1474
01:14:21,436 --> 01:14:24,337
who makes you
not want to be a jerk anymore.
1475
01:14:24,405 --> 01:14:29,934
Actually, it makes you want to
give everything you got to that one person.
1476
01:14:33,781 --> 01:14:36,773
Yeah. You know, it's true when women say
that all of the good men are
1477
01:14:36,851 --> 01:14:39,012
either gay or married.
1478
01:14:39,087 --> 01:14:42,648
And of course,
I'm hanging out with one who's both.
1479
01:14:42,724 --> 01:14:47,252
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just for the record, though,
1480
01:14:47,328 --> 01:14:50,786
if I wasn't so
into chubby hubbies
1481
01:14:50,865 --> 01:14:52,924
or chunky monkeys...
What did you say again?
1482
01:14:53,000 --> 01:14:53,989
Chubby chaser.
1483
01:14:54,068 --> 01:14:55,467
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1484
01:14:57,071 --> 01:14:59,198
I would be just so all over you.
1485
01:14:59,273 --> 01:15:01,935
Oh, come on. No way.
1486
01:15:02,009 --> 01:15:03,806
Are you kidding me?
Look at you.
1487
01:15:03,878 --> 01:15:09,714
You're gorgeous, and you're smart,
you're passionate, funny.
1488
01:15:12,353 --> 01:15:14,412
I'm just so happy I met you.
1489
01:15:14,489 --> 01:15:16,423
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1490
01:15:17,391 --> 01:15:20,053
Friends. Friends forever.
1491
01:15:29,937 --> 01:15:31,302
Oh, yeah.
1492
01:15:38,579 --> 01:15:40,672
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what are we doing?
1493
01:15:40,748 --> 01:15:44,240
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, Alex.
1494
01:15:44,819 --> 01:15:47,788
I just never felt this way
about a woman before.
1495
01:15:47,855 --> 01:15:49,117
Because you're gay.
1496
01:15:49,190 --> 01:15:51,420
And you're married.
And you're my client.
1497
01:15:51,592 --> 01:15:52,616
This is so wrong!
1498
01:15:52,693 --> 01:15:54,854
No, it's not about right or wrong,
1499
01:15:54,929 --> 01:15:58,194
or gay or straight,
or hard or soft. It's...
1500
01:16:02,370 --> 01:16:03,462
Wow.
1501
01:16:04,071 --> 01:16:06,039
No! I can't see you.
1502
01:16:06,240 --> 01:16:08,640
I can't see you.
Except as a client.
1503
01:16:08,709 --> 01:16:10,609
Alex, don't say that. Please?
1504
01:16:10,678 --> 01:16:13,738
I believe in marriage.
I believe in what it represents.
1505
01:16:13,815 --> 01:16:19,014
I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry!
Oh, my God, poor Larry!
1506
01:16:19,086 --> 01:16:23,648
Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be
honest with you, our marriage is...
1507
01:16:24,425 --> 01:16:28,691
All he does is watch his baseball games,
and, like, I don't even exist anymore!
1508
01:16:28,830 --> 01:16:30,354
You have to go. I'm sorry.
1509
01:16:30,765 --> 01:16:32,323
He hits me, though.
1510
01:16:32,400 --> 01:16:35,665
I'm so sorry.
Please, please, please go.
1511
01:16:44,545 --> 01:16:45,603
Hey!
1512
01:16:46,948 --> 01:16:49,542
What the hell's going on out here?
1513
01:16:50,284 --> 01:16:53,720
Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets
with Eric and Tori over here,
1514
01:16:53,788 --> 01:16:55,278
making small talk, you know?
1515
01:16:55,456 --> 01:16:56,650
You'd think on such a nice day,
1516
01:16:56,724 --> 01:16:58,885
your husband would want to
spend time with his family.
1517
01:16:58,960 --> 01:17:01,326
Where is he, anyway?
Is he out straight-bashing again?
1518
01:17:01,395 --> 01:17:03,556
No, he's at his mother's.
He's taking her to the movies.
1519
01:17:03,631 --> 01:17:06,566
No, Daddy.
He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady
1520
01:17:06,634 --> 01:17:09,034
he always talks about
when you're not around.
1521
01:17:09,103 --> 01:17:10,570
He is?
1522
01:17:12,139 --> 01:17:13,197
Hey!
1523
01:17:14,208 --> 01:17:17,974
I just felt a breeze,
Mr. Valentine,
1524
01:17:18,045 --> 01:17:20,741
and that breeze is blowing
straight towards justice.
1525
01:17:32,860 --> 01:17:35,829
Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator
lodged in the air duct.
1526
01:17:35,897 --> 01:17:39,765
Apparently tried to break in last night,
got stuck.
1527
01:17:39,834 --> 01:17:41,233
You're the guys
from the newspaper, right?
1528
01:17:41,302 --> 01:17:43,236
Yeah, that's us.
All right, well,
then you're gonna love this.
1529
01:17:43,304 --> 01:17:47,741
The guy got stuck upside-down,
so his ass is still hanging out for you.
1530
01:17:47,808 --> 01:17:49,969
That's pretty funny.
Did your moustache come up with that?
1531
01:17:50,044 --> 01:17:52,672
Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't speak Gayanese.
1532
01:17:55,616 --> 01:17:58,449
Hey, anybody!
You gotta get me out of here!
1533
01:17:58,519 --> 01:18:00,612
I just peed on my face!
1534
01:18:00,688 --> 01:18:03,885
All right, relax, buddy,
I'm here to help.
1535
01:18:04,258 --> 01:18:07,819
Unlike some people around here,
who only help themselves.
1536
01:18:07,895 --> 01:18:09,795
Who are you talking about?
You.
1537
01:18:09,864 --> 01:18:11,024
Why? What happened?
1538
01:18:11,098 --> 01:18:12,725
Fitzer came by today,
and Tori told him about
1539
01:18:12,800 --> 01:18:14,563
your obsession
with our hot-ass lawyer.
1540
01:18:14,635 --> 01:18:17,001
Obsession? What? What?
What is she talking about?
1541
01:18:17,071 --> 01:18:19,699
Don't even give me that,
Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.
1542
01:18:19,774 --> 01:18:21,264
You know what?
Maybe if you were around today,
1543
01:18:21,342 --> 01:18:23,503
Fitzer would actually think that,
I don't know, you like me.
1544
01:18:23,577 --> 01:18:25,670
Hey, man, I gotta lie to you!
1545
01:18:25,746 --> 01:18:28,010
Thanks to you,
I gotta lie to everybody!
1546
01:18:28,082 --> 01:18:31,279
Especially Alex!
I can't be honest with her!
1547
01:18:31,352 --> 01:18:34,116
I can't even get close to her.
I can't even have freaking fun with her!
1548
01:18:34,188 --> 01:18:37,316
Why can't you have fun with me?
We always used to have fun. I just...
1549
01:18:37,391 --> 01:18:38,858
Because you've changed!
1550
01:18:38,926 --> 01:18:41,156
Ever since you forced me
to marry you,
1551
01:18:41,228 --> 01:18:42,593
you're so goddamn controlling.
1552
01:18:42,663 --> 01:18:45,598
You don't act like my freaking husband,
you act like my boss.
1553
01:18:45,666 --> 01:18:49,067
"Don't do this!" "Don't do that!"
"Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"
1554
01:18:49,136 --> 01:18:51,570
You're smothering me, man!
I can't freaking breathe!
1555
01:18:51,639 --> 01:18:53,607
What you guys need
is a bubble bath.
1556
01:18:53,674 --> 01:18:54,800
Shut up!
1557
01:18:54,875 --> 01:18:58,538
Idiot, the only reason you're feeling that way
is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.
1558
01:18:58,612 --> 01:19:00,273
That's what happens
when you get married!
1559
01:19:00,348 --> 01:19:03,044
Fat-ass, we're not
really married!
1560
01:19:03,117 --> 01:19:05,415
I'm just in some gay,
crazy nightmare!
1561
01:19:05,486 --> 01:19:08,011
Yeah, that you can't commit to,
'cause you can't commit to anything!
1562
01:19:08,089 --> 01:19:11,286
I swear to God, I feel like I'm the only one
who's trying to make this thing work!
1563
01:19:11,359 --> 01:19:15,090
Work! That's right, it's become work!
This relationship is work!
1564
01:19:15,162 --> 01:19:17,824
Face it, we are not
supposed to be together.
1565
01:19:17,898 --> 01:19:20,696
I found somebody
I really want to be with.
1566
01:19:20,768 --> 01:19:22,998
Instead of being jealous of that,
why don't you do the same?
1567
01:19:23,070 --> 01:19:24,799
Because I still love my wife.
1568
01:19:24,872 --> 01:19:27,170
Well, move on already.
1569
01:19:27,241 --> 01:19:30,335
Your house is like
a freaking shrine to Paula!
1570
01:19:30,411 --> 01:19:33,278
One of these days
you gotta get a real wife,
1571
01:19:33,347 --> 01:19:35,838
one that your kids don't gotta
lie about every two seconds.
1572
01:19:35,916 --> 01:19:38,009
No, you can't keep it in your pants
for five minutes,
1573
01:19:38,085 --> 01:19:39,712
and that's why we're
so screwed up now!
1574
01:19:39,787 --> 01:19:43,018
Whoa, back up, buddy.
You know why we're in this jam.
1575
01:19:43,090 --> 01:19:45,058
'Cause you can't open
your freaking mail!
1576
01:19:45,126 --> 01:19:47,720
Everything with Paula's name on it
gets tossed in a desk
1577
01:19:47,795 --> 01:19:49,888
and filed under
"Too painful to deal with"!
1578
01:19:49,997 --> 01:19:52,727
Guys, could you at least call
another fire department?
1579
01:19:52,800 --> 01:19:55,462
What is your rush, idiot?
You're going straight to jail anyway.
1580
01:19:55,536 --> 01:19:58,471
You know what? I cannot deal with sleeping
next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.
1581
01:19:58,539 --> 01:19:59,767
So don't bother coming
in the bedroom.
1582
01:19:59,840 --> 01:20:01,330
Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.
1583
01:20:01,409 --> 01:20:04,970
You are a lousy best friend
and a shitty husband!
1584
01:20:05,046 --> 01:20:08,174
Hey! For the record,
every time I laughed at one of your jokes,
1585
01:20:08,249 --> 01:20:10,217
I was faking it.
1586
01:20:10,317 --> 01:20:11,944
You're a monster!
1587
01:20:17,358 --> 01:20:20,088
Oh, my God,
it's Mr. February!
1588
01:20:20,161 --> 01:20:22,755
I love you, I love you, I love you!
1589
01:20:22,830 --> 01:20:24,161
I love you!
1590
01:20:28,169 --> 01:20:30,364
Wow, that's a gay bracelet.
1591
01:20:31,138 --> 01:20:32,571
I hope Fitzer sees that.
1592
01:20:34,108 --> 01:20:35,439
Shut up.
1593
01:20:45,886 --> 01:20:47,012
You needed to see us?
1594
01:20:47,088 --> 01:20:48,521
Shut the door.
1595
01:20:50,691 --> 01:20:53,251
You know,
for the first time this month,
1596
01:20:53,327 --> 01:20:56,296
I pissed without spraying
in all three urinals at once,
1597
01:20:56,363 --> 01:20:57,830
so I was in a relatively good mood.
1598
01:20:58,365 --> 01:20:59,923
Until I received this.
1599
01:21:02,603 --> 01:21:04,400
Seems the guys in the company
took a meeting.
1600
01:21:04,472 --> 01:21:07,908
They all signed that petition requesting
that I transfer you both out of here.
1601
01:21:07,975 --> 01:21:09,670
What?
And you're gonna listen to these idiots?
1602
01:21:09,743 --> 01:21:11,472
I'm not gonna do it,
but I have to do something
1603
01:21:11,545 --> 01:21:12,807
to keep the peace.
1604
01:21:12,880 --> 01:21:14,575
Now, personally,
I think it's just a matter of time
1605
01:21:14,648 --> 01:21:17,446
before your little act gets busted.
Until then, you're on separate shifts.
1606
01:21:17,518 --> 01:21:18,542
What?
Separate shifts?
1607
01:21:18,619 --> 01:21:20,211
Hey, we've been together forever!
1608
01:21:20,287 --> 01:21:22,619
So were my balls,
and now I only have one of them.
1609
01:21:22,690 --> 01:21:23,748
What?
1610
01:21:23,824 --> 01:21:26,315
Valentine, go to work.
Levine, go home.
1611
01:21:34,335 --> 01:21:35,962
Hey, fellas!
1612
01:21:36,237 --> 01:21:40,731
Hey. Heard you guys have been
circulating a petition.
1613
01:21:42,042 --> 01:21:45,239
You mind if I take a look at it?
1614
01:21:45,813 --> 01:21:48,680
Oh, what do you know?
I got it right here.
1615
01:21:49,183 --> 01:21:51,344
It's impressive.
Lot of names.
1616
01:21:51,552 --> 01:21:53,645
Let's go down the list,
see who we got here.
1617
01:21:54,655 --> 01:21:59,217
Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time
Chuck and I ran back in that textile plant
1618
01:21:59,493 --> 01:22:01,518
and dragged your limp body out?
1619
01:22:01,595 --> 01:22:05,053
Even though Chuck's leg was broken,
like, in three different places?
1620
01:22:05,132 --> 01:22:08,124
I mean, that was pretty
freaking gay of Chuck, huh?
1621
01:22:08,202 --> 01:22:11,103
Wow. Renaldo!
1622
01:22:11,605 --> 01:22:13,869
Man, I remember your first day
on the job.
1623
01:22:13,941 --> 01:22:17,274
Remember you were so scared
you actually crapped yourself?
1624
01:22:17,344 --> 01:22:19,073
And Chuck and I,
we snuck you back in here,
1625
01:22:19,146 --> 01:22:20,977
we cleaned you up
so nobody'd find out.
1626
01:22:21,048 --> 01:22:22,845
You begged us not to tell anyone,
and did we?
1627
01:22:22,983 --> 01:22:23,972
Let's ask.
1628
01:22:24,718 --> 01:22:27,585
You guys hear that story before right now?
Show of hands?
1629
01:22:27,655 --> 01:22:29,452
No, but it's hilarious.
1630
01:22:29,523 --> 01:22:31,582
Yeah, it is hilarious.
1631
01:22:33,160 --> 01:22:36,152
Tony! Nice signature.
1632
01:22:36,230 --> 01:22:38,960
Hey, is that the same one you used
to endorse the check that Chuck gave you
1633
01:22:39,033 --> 01:22:42,059
when you gambled away
your mortgage payment on college football?
1634
01:22:42,136 --> 01:22:44,434
I guess his money wasn't
too gay to bail you out
1635
01:22:44,505 --> 01:22:46,632
or keep your wife
from leaving you again.
1636
01:22:46,707 --> 01:22:48,004
Again?
1637
01:22:48,842 --> 01:22:50,503
I guess Chuck's
not enough of a man
1638
01:22:50,578 --> 01:22:52,978
to work next to big strong heroes
like you guys.
1639
01:22:54,114 --> 01:22:56,105
Oh, look at that. Fire.
1640
01:22:56,183 --> 01:22:57,707
Well, I hope it's not a bad one,
1641
01:22:57,785 --> 01:22:59,685
'cause the faggot who's been
saving your sorry asses
1642
01:22:59,753 --> 01:23:02,745
is now, thanks to you,
working on another shift. Let's go!
1643
01:23:05,960 --> 01:23:08,190
"That's when Sadie said,
1644
01:23:08,262 --> 01:23:11,356
"'Love will always help you
find your way home."'
1645
01:23:12,633 --> 01:23:15,363
Sleeping. Sleeping.
1646
01:23:18,606 --> 01:23:20,130
That was easy.
1647
01:23:55,676 --> 01:23:57,803
Paula, you know I love you.
1648
01:24:00,147 --> 01:24:01,512
I gotta.
1649
01:24:21,201 --> 01:24:22,293
Hey.
1650
01:24:24,104 --> 01:24:25,401
I'm sorry.
1651
01:24:26,774 --> 01:24:28,139
Me, too.
1652
01:24:28,909 --> 01:24:29,933
That stuff I said...
1653
01:24:30,010 --> 01:24:31,272
I know.
1654
01:24:33,881 --> 01:24:36,145
Can I sleep in the bed tonight?
1655
01:24:38,285 --> 01:24:39,809
I'd like that.
1656
01:24:41,121 --> 01:24:42,554
All right.
1657
01:24:44,558 --> 01:24:46,355
Come here.
Yeah.
1658
01:24:55,669 --> 01:24:57,296
Handle with care.
1659
01:24:58,672 --> 01:25:00,037
Larry...
1660
01:25:01,642 --> 01:25:06,272
Don't let him sleep
on top of me again, Larry.
1661
01:25:06,347 --> 01:25:08,508
Don't do the voice.
I will kill you, I swear.
1662
01:25:08,582 --> 01:25:09,708
Okay, then.
1663
01:25:09,783 --> 01:25:11,307
Hey! Hey, hey!
1664
01:25:11,385 --> 01:25:13,285
You ready for your big day,
little man?
1665
01:25:13,354 --> 01:25:14,412
Big day?
1666
01:25:14,488 --> 01:25:17,924
My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck
have been practicing for weeks.
1667
01:25:17,991 --> 01:25:21,290
He wanted to work with you,
but I was around, so...
1668
01:25:21,362 --> 01:25:25,423
Why don't you do one last rehearsal,
let your father play the Annie role?
1669
01:25:25,499 --> 01:25:27,694
Fabulicious!
I'll get my music!
1670
01:25:27,768 --> 01:25:29,599
Did you hear that?
It's fabulicious!
1671
01:25:29,670 --> 01:25:31,399
Hey, come on, come on.
Okay.
1672
01:25:31,572 --> 01:25:34,871
May, me, my, mo, mo
Me, my, mo, may
1673
01:25:35,109 --> 01:25:40,547
Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything better than you
1674
01:25:40,714 --> 01:25:42,204
No, you can't
Yes, I can
1675
01:25:42,282 --> 01:25:43,408
No, you can't
Yes, I can
1676
01:25:43,484 --> 01:25:44,746
No, you can't
1677
01:25:44,818 --> 01:25:46,752
Yes, I can, yes, I can
1678
01:25:46,820 --> 01:25:48,651
Yes, he can! Hit it!
1679
01:25:49,757 --> 01:25:51,349
There's my star!
1680
01:25:51,425 --> 01:25:55,725
Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip,
flippety-flip and a skip.
1681
01:25:56,230 --> 01:25:57,629
Double-time!
1682
01:26:03,337 --> 01:26:04,599
And a Russian split!
1683
01:26:04,772 --> 01:26:07,002
Oh, you nailed it!
1684
01:26:07,074 --> 01:26:08,507
My kid is pretty awesome.
1685
01:26:08,575 --> 01:26:10,634
There's only one guy I know
who can dance better than that.
1686
01:26:10,711 --> 01:26:12,804
Who?
The homeless guy
from our wedding.
1687
01:26:14,181 --> 01:26:16,672
That dude was
pretty good. Yeah!
1688
01:26:19,686 --> 01:26:21,347
Balls and wieners.
1689
01:26:21,422 --> 01:26:22,446
Is it true?
1690
01:26:22,656 --> 01:26:23,850
Alex?
1691
01:26:26,627 --> 01:26:27,753
Look at this.
1692
01:26:27,961 --> 01:26:31,260
Sixteen depositions from women
who claim to have slept with you
1693
01:26:31,331 --> 01:26:32,764
over the last year and a half.
1694
01:26:32,833 --> 01:26:34,266
Just 16?
1695
01:26:34,334 --> 01:26:36,393
Thank God the 500 other ones
couldn't read or write.
1696
01:26:36,470 --> 01:26:39,735
Wait a minute.
You knew about him and all these women?
1697
01:26:39,807 --> 01:26:42,537
Alex, know what it is?
We've been through this before.
1698
01:26:42,609 --> 01:26:43,769
Chuck's...
1699
01:26:43,944 --> 01:26:46,344
He's got a bit of a problem.
1700
01:26:46,413 --> 01:26:49,473
He messes around
with women because
1701
01:26:50,651 --> 01:26:53,085
he's ashamed of being gay.
1702
01:26:53,153 --> 01:26:55,553
Now, is it all just about you,
1703
01:26:55,656 --> 01:26:58,420
or do you really just don't consider
anybody else's feelings?
1704
01:26:58,492 --> 01:27:01,086
No, I don't.
I'm just a big gay jerk.
1705
01:27:04,364 --> 01:27:06,161
What are you doing?
You know you like that.
1706
01:27:06,233 --> 01:27:08,929
Guys, guys, the shit is
about to hit the fan, okay?
1707
01:27:09,002 --> 01:27:10,230
And if I'm gonna defend you,
1708
01:27:10,304 --> 01:27:12,465
I have to know the truth.
1709
01:27:12,539 --> 01:27:16,305
You have to look me in the eyes
and tell me that you are gay
1710
01:27:16,376 --> 01:27:17,843
and that this marriage
is legitimate.
1711
01:27:17,911 --> 01:27:20,778
Alex, we're gay, okay?
1712
01:27:20,848 --> 01:27:23,180
And we are married.
1713
01:27:27,287 --> 01:27:28,845
It's real.
1714
01:27:30,924 --> 01:27:32,448
Can you help us out?
1715
01:27:32,960 --> 01:27:34,359
Okay.
1716
01:27:35,729 --> 01:27:38,391
Okay. This investigation is
gonna get rough.
1717
01:27:38,565 --> 01:27:41,261
They are gonna quiz you
about every detail of your lives,
1718
01:27:41,335 --> 01:27:43,701
every aspect
of your relationship.
1719
01:27:43,770 --> 01:27:48,207
But since you guys are telling the truth,
then I'm sure you'll be fine.
1720
01:27:49,843 --> 01:27:53,074
Just for the record, I thought
this was a man when I was with her.
1721
01:27:53,146 --> 01:27:55,011
Does that help us out at all?
1722
01:28:02,789 --> 01:28:05,257
Let's go over it again.
Your birthday?
1723
01:28:05,325 --> 01:28:07,384
April 26th. Taurus.
1724
01:28:07,461 --> 01:28:08,587
Got it.
1725
01:28:08,662 --> 01:28:09,754
Yours?
1726
01:28:09,830 --> 01:28:10,990
September 9th. Virgo.
1727
01:28:11,832 --> 01:28:13,561
How about
your favorite brand of underwear?
1728
01:28:13,634 --> 01:28:15,499
That would be
Mr. Calvin Klein.
1729
01:28:15,569 --> 01:28:17,935
I can tell you
my least favorite.
1730
01:28:18,005 --> 01:28:19,097
Whoa!
1731
01:28:45,599 --> 01:28:47,499
I love you, Mr. February!
1732
01:28:47,968 --> 01:28:50,664
You're going down!
You're an abomination! Homo!
1733
01:28:54,641 --> 01:28:56,632
I'm on fire! Help me!
1734
01:28:56,710 --> 01:28:58,439
We're all with you, Larry!
1735
01:28:58,512 --> 01:29:00,707
Fear the queer!
1736
01:29:10,390 --> 01:29:12,688
Thou shalt not lie with men!
1737
01:29:12,759 --> 01:29:15,057
All right, Mr. February,
1738
01:29:15,128 --> 01:29:17,858
let's go show these guys
how married we are.
1739
01:29:17,931 --> 01:29:19,489
What the heck?
1740
01:29:32,980 --> 01:29:34,470
What are you guys doing here?
1741
01:29:34,548 --> 01:29:38,814
We're here to apologize and back you up,
like you always did for us.
1742
01:29:38,885 --> 01:29:42,548
Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on this job
that we will never get back.
1743
01:29:42,623 --> 01:29:45,558
We don't want to lose two more
because we were being thickheaded.
1744
01:29:45,626 --> 01:29:47,890
Yeah. We're partners for life.
1745
01:29:48,328 --> 01:29:50,296
Not partners like youse two,
1746
01:29:50,364 --> 01:29:52,355
but you know what I mean.
1747
01:29:52,432 --> 01:29:53,558
Yeah.
1748
01:29:54,568 --> 01:29:55,967
I love youse guys.
1749
01:29:56,036 --> 01:29:57,367
That's all right, man.
1750
01:29:57,437 --> 01:30:00,338
Molest him! No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding you, Nootz. I'm kidding.
1751
01:30:04,277 --> 01:30:06,006
Hey, Chuckie.
Yeah?
1752
01:30:06,146 --> 01:30:08,512
I gotta ask you something.
I mean...
What's up?
1753
01:30:08,582 --> 01:30:10,015
...why'd you pick Larry?
1754
01:30:10,250 --> 01:30:14,152
I mean, I work out,
I tweeze my unibrow.
1755
01:30:14,655 --> 01:30:16,953
Am I not good-looking enough for you
or some shit?
1756
01:30:17,024 --> 01:30:19,219
No, no, no.
Renaldo, you're just not my type.
1757
01:30:19,292 --> 01:30:20,623
You're a 10.
1758
01:30:20,961 --> 01:30:24,158
I just like them chubby.
That's my thing.
1759
01:30:26,600 --> 01:30:27,862
I'm a 10!
1760
01:30:28,135 --> 01:30:31,127
You hear that? I'm a 10!
1761
01:30:31,204 --> 01:30:32,899
On a scale to 100.
1762
01:30:33,340 --> 01:30:36,639
You're just jealous
'cause gay guys like me.
1763
01:30:38,345 --> 01:30:41,644
Good morning, everyone.
I'm Daniel Banks, City Council President,
1764
01:30:41,715 --> 01:30:44,707
and I'll be presiding
over these proceedings.
1765
01:30:44,785 --> 01:30:48,118
It's going to be a long day,
so let's dispense with the preliminaries
1766
01:30:48,188 --> 01:30:51,919
and just get started. Mr. Fitzer.
1767
01:30:56,830 --> 01:30:58,957
Thank you, Your Councilship.
1768
01:31:05,639 --> 01:31:07,163
It's for later.
1769
01:31:08,608 --> 01:31:12,510
Mr. Valentine,
please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.
1770
01:31:15,816 --> 01:31:16,908
Love.
1771
01:31:16,983 --> 01:31:19,281
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
Gay love!
1772
01:31:19,352 --> 01:31:20,512
Please sit down, sir.
1773
01:31:20,587 --> 01:31:21,952
Sorry.
1774
01:31:24,157 --> 01:31:26,148
Mr. Levine.
Yeah.
1775
01:31:26,927 --> 01:31:30,055
Sixteen local women
claim to have had
1776
01:31:30,130 --> 01:31:34,294
sexual relations with you
as recently as mid-April,
1777
01:31:34,367 --> 01:31:40,272
including four Canadian strippers
the morning of your "marriage."
1778
01:31:42,576 --> 01:31:47,275
That's true. I did have
sexual relationships with them girls,
1779
01:31:48,615 --> 01:31:52,449
but I was kind of having
a commitment issue.
1780
01:31:53,220 --> 01:31:55,211
Larry's forgiven me for that.
1781
01:31:55,789 --> 01:31:57,950
And that's all that counts to me
is what Larry thinks.
1782
01:31:58,024 --> 01:31:59,787
That's right, Fitzer,
you suck!
1783
01:31:59,860 --> 01:32:02,021
One more and you're out, sir.
1784
01:32:02,095 --> 01:32:05,292
Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks.
I'm gay. I'm out. All right.
1785
01:32:05,365 --> 01:32:07,799
We should question them ex parte.
1786
01:32:07,868 --> 01:32:09,267
Gentlemen.
Yeah?
1787
01:32:09,336 --> 01:32:12,430
At this time,
we'd like to interview you individually.
1788
01:32:12,506 --> 01:32:14,531
Mr. Levine, please step outside.
1789
01:32:16,443 --> 01:32:18,070
Yeah. No problem.
1790
01:32:21,782 --> 01:32:23,010
I'll miss you.
1791
01:32:23,083 --> 01:32:24,311
I'll miss you, too, buddy.
1792
01:32:25,285 --> 01:32:26,513
I like it rough!
1793
01:32:26,586 --> 01:32:28,076
One for the road.
1794
01:32:28,155 --> 01:32:29,918
Like it rough.
1795
01:32:30,857 --> 01:32:33,223
I did the cooking
until Chuck moved in.
1796
01:32:33,994 --> 01:32:35,325
The toilet was thankful.
1797
01:32:35,428 --> 01:32:39,762
He ain't the greatest chef in the world.
I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.
1798
01:32:39,833 --> 01:32:43,132
We met back in the fire academy in 1987.
1799
01:32:43,203 --> 01:32:44,898
I was top of our class.
1800
01:32:44,971 --> 01:32:47,633
He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone.
1801
01:32:47,707 --> 01:32:50,801
Larry tried to eat the fire,
I remember that.
1802
01:32:50,877 --> 01:32:54,278
His favorite song,
Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.
1803
01:32:54,347 --> 01:32:58,044
You're Beautiful by James Blunt.
And people think I'm the woman.
1804
01:32:58,118 --> 01:32:59,915
You're beautiful
1805
01:32:59,986 --> 01:33:02,477
Just gets me every time.
I don't know.
1806
01:33:02,556 --> 01:33:04,353
You're beautiful
1807
01:33:05,292 --> 01:33:07,055
That is a nice song.
1808
01:33:08,028 --> 01:33:11,520
The thing he likes most about me
is probably my love handles.
1809
01:33:12,098 --> 01:33:13,360
All of them.
1810
01:33:13,433 --> 01:33:17,802
I'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes,
like that of a kitten.
1811
01:33:20,073 --> 01:33:22,064
The worst day
we ever had on the job?
1812
01:33:22,142 --> 01:33:25,305
This little kid fell
in a swimming pool.
1813
01:33:25,545 --> 01:33:27,445
Chuck was the first one there.
1814
01:33:27,514 --> 01:33:28,674
I dove in.
1815
01:33:28,849 --> 01:33:29,873
He pulled him out.
1816
01:33:29,950 --> 01:33:30,939
I worked on him.
1817
01:33:31,017 --> 01:33:34,145
Worked on him, worked on him, but...
1818
01:33:34,521 --> 01:33:36,853
And Larry stayed with me
all that night.
1819
01:33:37,791 --> 01:33:40,658
I just couldn't get that kid
out of my head.
1820
01:33:43,997 --> 01:33:45,897
When my wife died...
1821
01:33:45,966 --> 01:33:47,695
That was the worst.
1822
01:33:48,902 --> 01:33:50,130
...I collapsed.
1823
01:33:50,203 --> 01:33:51,761
He knew it was coming, but...
1824
01:33:51,838 --> 01:33:54,739
What we have,
it's beyond friendship.
1825
01:33:55,475 --> 01:33:57,602
He's the best man I know.
1826
01:33:57,677 --> 01:33:59,736
I'd do anything for him.
1827
01:34:00,146 --> 01:34:01,306
I love him.
1828
01:34:02,015 --> 01:34:03,505
I love him.
1829
01:34:06,553 --> 01:34:08,020
What's going on?
How'd you do?
1830
01:34:08,088 --> 01:34:09,646
It was good.
It was no problem.
1831
01:34:09,723 --> 01:34:11,657
You want me to grab those?
See if they're real again?
1832
01:34:11,725 --> 01:34:12,714
I'm sorry?
1833
01:34:12,792 --> 01:34:14,157
I says are we done yet?
1834
01:34:14,461 --> 01:34:17,191
Not quite. They want to talk to the kids.
1835
01:34:18,064 --> 01:34:21,830
Now, why don't you tell us
about their sleeping arrangements?
1836
01:34:21,902 --> 01:34:24,029
Dad and Uncle Chuck
sleep in the same bed.
1837
01:34:24,104 --> 01:34:25,469
Do you know why?
1838
01:34:25,538 --> 01:34:27,438
'Cause they do everything together.
1839
01:34:27,507 --> 01:34:29,498
Just like Will and Grace.
1840
01:34:34,080 --> 01:34:37,277
It is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it?
1841
01:34:38,084 --> 01:34:39,449
Having two fathers?
1842
01:34:39,986 --> 01:34:41,920
I don't have two fathers.
1843
01:34:44,357 --> 01:34:45,619
I have my daddy,
1844
01:34:45,692 --> 01:34:49,184
and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy,
'cause to me he seems like a girl.
1845
01:34:50,830 --> 01:34:53,321
Why am I the woman?
I don't get it.
1846
01:34:54,034 --> 01:34:55,160
Okay, that's all, thank you.
1847
01:34:55,235 --> 01:34:56,930
Bottlenose dolphins.
1848
01:34:57,470 --> 01:35:01,463
Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals
and West Indian manatees.
1849
01:35:01,608 --> 01:35:02,597
Huh?
1850
01:35:02,909 --> 01:35:05,639
Species that sometimes mate
with the same sex.
1851
01:35:05,812 --> 01:35:10,840
Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales,
harbor seals and West Indian manatees.
1852
01:35:11,451 --> 01:35:14,443
I didn't know that.
But now I'm glad I do.
1853
01:35:14,554 --> 01:35:16,249
Thank you, my dear.
1854
01:35:19,592 --> 01:35:23,653
Remind me never to go skinny-dipping
with the bottlenose dolphins.
1855
01:35:27,334 --> 01:35:32,397
I just have to say
that as a fellow gay fireman...
1856
01:35:33,206 --> 01:35:34,332
He's gay, too?
1857
01:35:34,407 --> 01:35:36,034
That's right, fellas, I'm gay.
1858
01:35:36,576 --> 01:35:38,601
You guys have
a problem with that?
1859
01:35:38,678 --> 01:35:41,772
No, no problem.
You do whatever you like. Yeah.
1860
01:35:43,216 --> 01:35:44,649
And Chuck and Larry,
1861
01:35:45,418 --> 01:35:48,148
you've inspired me
to want to find my soul mate.
1862
01:35:49,622 --> 01:35:51,112
Wherever he may be.
1863
01:35:51,558 --> 01:35:53,890
Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10.
1864
01:35:54,127 --> 01:35:56,152
You're not my type. Sorry.
1865
01:35:57,163 --> 01:35:59,324
Fitzer, can we wrap this up?
1866
01:35:59,532 --> 01:36:03,093
I just have one more question to ask,
1867
01:36:03,169 --> 01:36:05,637
if these gentlemen would
indulge me for a moment.
1868
01:36:05,705 --> 01:36:07,639
By all means, Mr. Fitzer.
1869
01:36:08,441 --> 01:36:10,204
Chuck, Larry,
1870
01:36:10,744 --> 01:36:15,340
would you say that there's a fair amount
of passion in your relationship?
1871
01:36:15,982 --> 01:36:17,108
Absolutely.
1872
01:36:17,183 --> 01:36:18,707
More passion than you can imagine, buddy.
1873
01:36:18,785 --> 01:36:20,275
Yes.
How wonderful.
1874
01:36:20,787 --> 01:36:24,245
Now, if you'd be so kind,
I'd like you to kiss each other.
1875
01:36:24,324 --> 01:36:26,019
You'd like to...
What was that?
1876
01:36:26,092 --> 01:36:29,118
Councilman Banks, my clients have been
more than accommodating.
1877
01:36:29,195 --> 01:36:31,925
And to ask for a display of intimacy
in the middle of a crowded room
1878
01:36:31,998 --> 01:36:33,329
is simply demeaning.
1879
01:36:33,400 --> 01:36:36,062
I'm afraid I have to agree.
We seem to have gone
1880
01:36:36,136 --> 01:36:40,129
from a hearing about fraud
to some kind of weird gay witch hunt.
1881
01:36:41,241 --> 01:36:43,607
I'm just saying,
Your Exellegance,
1882
01:36:43,676 --> 01:36:46,611
that if these two men are
as in love as they say they are,
1883
01:36:46,679 --> 01:36:48,670
I don't see why
this should be a problem.
1884
01:36:48,748 --> 01:36:51,148
I'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman.
1885
01:36:51,217 --> 01:36:54,516
Yeah! Come on, fellas,
show them how real men kiss! Come on!
1886
01:36:54,587 --> 01:36:58,683
I will not stand for it! This is unbelievable!
No. Absolutely not.
1887
01:36:58,758 --> 01:37:01,022
Hey, come on, no.
The Councilman agreed.
1888
01:37:01,094 --> 01:37:02,527
It's demeaning to us.
1889
01:37:02,595 --> 01:37:06,554
Plus, we don't want to get you all horny.
Me and this guy, we... It could get steamy.
1890
01:37:06,633 --> 01:37:11,502
Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
1891
01:37:11,571 --> 01:37:12,868
Order.
1892
01:37:13,773 --> 01:37:15,001
Order!
1893
01:37:16,042 --> 01:37:17,532
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
1894
01:37:17,610 --> 01:37:19,134
I'm not doing this, Alex.
1895
01:37:19,212 --> 01:37:21,146
You know what?
Just go for it.
1896
01:37:22,082 --> 01:37:23,481
Well?
Order!
1897
01:37:25,585 --> 01:37:27,485
I guess it's showtime.
1898
01:37:28,955 --> 01:37:30,650
Going in straight...
1899
01:37:30,723 --> 01:37:32,714
Coming out gay?
1900
01:38:02,689 --> 01:38:06,955
Enough! I'd rather change
my grandfather's diaper
1901
01:38:07,026 --> 01:38:08,493
than see two straight guys kissing.
1902
01:38:08,561 --> 01:38:10,051
But we're not straight.
1903
01:38:10,130 --> 01:38:11,597
We're not.
We're in gay love, Captain!
1904
01:38:11,664 --> 01:38:14,098
Can't you deal with that?
Oh, shut up.
1905
01:38:14,167 --> 01:38:16,863
If these gentlemen are gay,
then I'm a one-legged parrot.
1906
01:38:16,936 --> 01:38:19,234
Anybody seen me
with a crutch and a cracker?
1907
01:38:19,706 --> 01:38:20,695
I didn't think so.
1908
01:38:21,107 --> 01:38:22,836
And who might you be, sir?
1909
01:38:22,909 --> 01:38:24,877
Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman.
1910
01:38:24,944 --> 01:38:28,072
You may search my record.
I hold multiple citations
1911
01:38:28,148 --> 01:38:31,675
from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and,
of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.
1912
01:38:31,751 --> 01:38:35,152
And let me tell you something.
These men definitely broke the rules.
1913
01:38:35,221 --> 01:38:37,917
They lied on a government form
and they swore it was true,
1914
01:38:37,991 --> 01:38:39,754
which is despicable.
1915
01:38:40,026 --> 01:38:43,860
But interestingly enough, Excellency,
1916
01:38:43,930 --> 01:38:46,125
even though they were
deceitful to us all,
1917
01:38:46,199 --> 01:38:48,793
I actually believe
they ended up doing some good.
1918
01:38:48,868 --> 01:38:50,733
What good are you speaking of, Captain?
1919
01:38:50,803 --> 01:38:52,498
Well, first off,
1920
01:38:52,572 --> 01:38:55,097
they let us know
that when a friend is in need,
1921
01:38:55,175 --> 01:38:58,042
you go beyond extraordinary
lengths to help out.
1922
01:38:58,111 --> 01:39:00,545
Whenever, whatever.
That's the code.
1923
01:39:00,613 --> 01:39:03,309
Then they apparently inspired
fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan
1924
01:39:03,383 --> 01:39:05,908
to come out of his super-sized closet,
1925
01:39:05,985 --> 01:39:07,748
thus releasing his rage
1926
01:39:07,820 --> 01:39:11,415
and preventing what looked like to be
an inevitable killing spree.
1927
01:39:14,794 --> 01:39:16,659
And most importantly,
1928
01:39:16,729 --> 01:39:19,596
they showed us
that no matter whom we choose to love,
1929
01:39:19,666 --> 01:39:24,296
be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual,
bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual,
1930
01:39:24,370 --> 01:39:26,600
pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual,
1931
01:39:26,673 --> 01:39:31,576
or that thing where the chick ties the belt
around your neck and tinkles on a balloon,
1932
01:39:33,213 --> 01:39:37,445
it has absolutely nothing to do
with who we are as people.
1933
01:39:51,631 --> 01:39:54,327
It's true, Councilman Banks.
1934
01:39:57,103 --> 01:39:58,502
Let them know.
1935
01:39:58,571 --> 01:40:00,038
We're not gay.
1936
01:40:01,708 --> 01:40:02,732
No.
1937
01:40:03,710 --> 01:40:06,838
Unfortunately, we hurt people,
1938
01:40:06,913 --> 01:40:11,373
people we wouldn't want to hurt
in a million years, by doing what we did.
1939
01:40:12,752 --> 01:40:16,711
For the record,
the word "faggot," that's a bad word.
1940
01:40:16,789 --> 01:40:19,690
Don't use it.
I used to say it more than anybody,
1941
01:40:19,759 --> 01:40:21,750
but I was ignorant.
It's hurtful.
1942
01:40:21,995 --> 01:40:25,021
It's like "kike" for me.
1943
01:40:25,531 --> 01:40:27,396
Or "fat boy" for me.
1944
01:40:29,469 --> 01:40:31,130
It stings a little
when you poke fun of my weight.
1945
01:40:31,204 --> 01:40:32,694
I didn't know that.
Yeah, sometimes it...
1946
01:40:32,772 --> 01:40:34,672
I only do it 'cause you do it.
I know, but I work hard...
1947
01:40:34,741 --> 01:40:37,801
What is this? Gays of Our Lives?
1948
01:40:38,344 --> 01:40:40,369
Shall we cue the violins?
1949
01:40:41,147 --> 01:40:43,274
This isn't a folk concert,
it's a hearing.
1950
01:40:43,349 --> 01:40:48,616
And I believe I hear the sound
of two felons going to jail
1951
01:40:49,289 --> 01:40:51,951
for stealing from the City of New York.
1952
01:40:52,025 --> 01:40:55,051
What exactly have we stolen? Nothing!
1953
01:40:56,062 --> 01:40:58,860
Due to a weird rule
in a flawed system,
1954
01:40:58,931 --> 01:41:01,798
my friend Larry here had
to create this lie.
1955
01:41:01,868 --> 01:41:04,735
The system may be flawed at times,
Mr. Feb-blueberry.
1956
01:41:04,804 --> 01:41:06,271
"I'm in a calendar!"
1957
01:41:08,007 --> 01:41:11,238
But it's the law.
And we all have to abide by it.
1958
01:41:14,881 --> 01:41:17,372
I'm sorry,
but you did break the law.
1959
01:41:17,450 --> 01:41:18,508
Oh, God.
1960
01:41:18,584 --> 01:41:19,812
Daddy!
1961
01:41:21,054 --> 01:41:23,079
Councilman Banks. Councilman.
1962
01:41:24,257 --> 01:41:26,191
Well, you better
have cuffs for three,
1963
01:41:26,726 --> 01:41:28,523
because I'm going
to jail with them.
1964
01:41:28,594 --> 01:41:30,084
How is that, Captain?
1965
01:41:30,163 --> 01:41:32,859
I'm a co-conspirator.
I knew all about this little scam
1966
01:41:32,932 --> 01:41:34,957
from day one,
and I didn't say a thing about it.
1967
01:41:35,034 --> 01:41:36,558
Captain!
You don't have to do this. Please.
1968
01:41:36,636 --> 01:41:37,660
Yeah, he didn't know nothing.
1969
01:41:37,737 --> 01:41:39,728
Fine. I'll have all three of you arrested.
1970
01:41:41,941 --> 01:41:46,344
Slap some cuffs on me,
'cause I helped them plan the wedding.
1971
01:41:46,412 --> 01:41:47,936
I drove them to the airport.
1972
01:41:48,014 --> 01:41:49,481
I picked out Chuck's dress.
1973
01:41:49,549 --> 01:41:50,573
Yeah, I knew about it.
1974
01:41:50,650 --> 01:41:53,210
Dress? Why does everybody
assume I'm the woman?
1975
01:41:53,286 --> 01:41:55,345
Is it the way I walk?
What is it?
1976
01:41:55,421 --> 01:41:58,618
And I caught the bouquet!
In my mouth. I liked it.
1977
01:42:00,560 --> 01:42:02,824
See, that's the way it works
with us firemen, sir.
1978
01:42:02,895 --> 01:42:05,455
You throw one of us in the fire,
we all go rushing in.
1979
01:42:06,666 --> 01:42:10,796
You throw one of us in jail,
you gotta throw the whole lot of us in jail.
1980
01:42:10,870 --> 01:42:13,430
So? What's it gonna be?
1981
01:42:16,476 --> 01:42:18,671
Everything would have been fine
if you'd just let
1982
01:42:18,745 --> 01:42:20,406
me and Larry make out
like we were gonna.
1983
01:42:20,513 --> 01:42:22,504
Then you had to go
all Knute Rockne on us.
1984
01:42:22,582 --> 01:42:25,449
I am your commanding officer.
I will not be addressed in that manner.
1985
01:42:25,518 --> 01:42:27,679
Not in here you're not,
you porcupine-head.
1986
01:42:27,754 --> 01:42:29,847
No, in here you're the big mouth
who got us locked up.
1987
01:42:29,922 --> 01:42:31,321
We should whup your ass!
1988
01:42:31,391 --> 01:42:32,619
Yeah!
Yeah!
1989
01:42:33,893 --> 01:42:35,155
That's right.
1990
01:42:35,228 --> 01:42:36,354
Hey, Chuck.
1991
01:42:36,429 --> 01:42:38,260
Jeez, Larry. What?
1992
01:42:38,331 --> 01:42:43,098
Free Chuck and Larry!
Free Chuck and Larry!
1993
01:42:43,803 --> 01:42:44,963
What?
1994
01:42:45,037 --> 01:42:47,369
Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor.
1995
01:42:50,943 --> 01:42:53,878
Well, gentlemen,
that was quite a hearing.
1996
01:42:53,946 --> 01:42:55,072
Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine.
1997
01:42:55,148 --> 01:42:56,638
All right.
1998
01:42:57,350 --> 01:42:59,978
The city would like to offer you a deal.
1999
01:43:00,052 --> 01:43:03,044
We're willing to drop all charges
and allow you to keep your benefits,
2000
01:43:03,122 --> 01:43:04,589
with two conditions.
2001
01:43:04,690 --> 01:43:08,148
One, you plead guilty
to falsifying a government form.
2002
01:43:08,361 --> 01:43:11,125
The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor,
you get a slap on the wrist,
2003
01:43:11,197 --> 01:43:12,960
and the city saves face.
2004
01:43:13,032 --> 01:43:14,260
Done.
Done. Absolutely.
2005
01:43:14,333 --> 01:43:17,530
Two, you are celebrities
in the gay community now.
2006
01:43:18,004 --> 01:43:20,370
They've obviously
not only accepted your apology,
2007
01:43:20,440 --> 01:43:22,874
they think you're heroes.
2008
01:43:22,942 --> 01:43:27,038
Now, raising money
for AIDS research is still very crucial,
2009
01:43:27,647 --> 01:43:31,174
and the community has
figured out a way for you all to help.
2010
01:43:31,250 --> 01:43:32,444
Whatever it takes.
Yeah.
2011
01:43:32,518 --> 01:43:33,678
What do you need us to do?
We're in.
2012
01:44:14,260 --> 01:44:17,525
These two guys right here talking
about doing something pretty serious.
2013
01:44:17,597 --> 01:44:21,727
Making a commitment
to love each other forever.
2014
01:44:21,801 --> 01:44:26,067
Now before, they were on the down-low,
living a life that was a lie.
2015
01:44:27,473 --> 01:44:30,806
Now, in a lie,
it's like a circle.
2016
01:44:31,844 --> 01:44:33,209
It never ends.
2017
01:44:33,746 --> 01:44:36,647
You know?
It's not like a rectangle.
2018
01:44:36,716 --> 01:44:39,310
'Cause that has a bunch of,
you know, places that stop.
2019
01:44:39,385 --> 01:44:40,579
This one is a big circle of...
2020
01:44:40,653 --> 01:44:42,416
Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing.
Come on.
2021
01:44:42,488 --> 01:44:43,819
Moving on.
2022
01:44:43,890 --> 01:44:45,152
I'm gonna move quicker now.
2023
01:44:46,893 --> 01:44:49,521
Do you, Kevin "Butterfly" McDonough,
2024
01:44:49,595 --> 01:44:54,464
take Fred G. Duncan to be
your lawful wedded partner?
2025
01:44:55,434 --> 01:44:56,662
I dizoo.
2026
01:44:57,637 --> 01:44:59,832
And do you, Fred G. Duncan,
2027
01:44:59,906 --> 01:45:03,569
take this guy over here
to be your lawfully wedded partner?
2028
01:45:03,643 --> 01:45:04,905
I do.
2029
01:45:04,977 --> 01:45:06,569
Well, then, by the power vested in me
2030
01:45:06,646 --> 01:45:09,410
by the Commonwealth of Canada
and the Province of Ontario,
2031
01:45:09,482 --> 01:45:13,418
which has always been very pro-gay,
unlike that uptight country to the south,
2032
01:45:13,486 --> 01:45:17,752
it's my pleasure to now pronounce
you husband and husband, partners for life.
2033
01:45:51,657 --> 01:45:53,887
There's my lawyer.
2034
01:45:53,960 --> 01:45:55,825
You don't wanna dance, do you?
2035
01:45:56,262 --> 01:45:58,321
I don't think so.
2036
01:45:58,931 --> 01:46:01,422
Your brother forgave me.
Now, why can't you?
2037
01:46:01,500 --> 01:46:06,403
Well, my brother wasn't the one
that you felt up under false pretenses.
2038
01:46:06,472 --> 01:46:09,168
You mean you only let me touch your boobs
'cause you thought I was gay?
2039
01:46:09,442 --> 01:46:10,431
That's sexist.
2040
01:46:10,576 --> 01:46:14,239
I could bring that to the courtroom.
You could be my lawyer.
2041
01:46:16,782 --> 01:46:18,340
Look at Larry, though.
2042
01:46:18,985 --> 01:46:21,215
Looks like he took my advice
and moved on.
2043
01:46:21,287 --> 01:46:25,348
Which is great for him, but I don't
have anybody to hang out with anymore.
2044
01:46:25,424 --> 01:46:29,827
I mean, these bracelets here...
It says, "Friends forever."
2045
01:46:32,098 --> 01:46:36,000
I haven't taken this thing off
since we made them that day. You?
2046
01:46:38,337 --> 01:46:40,464
Yeah, that's what I thought.
2047
01:46:55,254 --> 01:46:58,655
Well, you've got about 30 seconds
before I come to my senses.
2048
01:47:00,760 --> 01:47:02,625
Really?
Yes.
2049
01:47:02,695 --> 01:47:05,960
And this is my jam, too.
Come on.
2050
01:47:06,799 --> 01:47:08,926
What a delicious-looking cake!
2051
01:47:09,101 --> 01:47:12,400
Oh, maybe Tori
would like to try it.
2052
01:47:12,471 --> 01:47:14,939
That's nice. You gay, her father.
It's nice.
2053
01:47:15,007 --> 01:47:17,532
No, I'm not gay.
This is Larry's daughter, Tori.
2054
01:47:17,610 --> 01:47:19,942
Oh, it's okay, man.
You can come out of the down-low.
2055
01:47:20,012 --> 01:47:21,809
I don't have to come out!
I'm married.
2056
01:47:21,881 --> 01:47:23,576
Which one's your husband?
You point him out.
2057
01:47:23,649 --> 01:47:25,207
No, no! The lady in there.
2058
01:47:25,284 --> 01:47:26,444
Which guy?
2059
01:47:26,519 --> 01:47:27,611
No, no guy. No.
2060
01:47:27,687 --> 01:47:30,520
Hey, you know when you lie,
it's like a circle.
2061
01:47:30,589 --> 01:47:31,613
I'm not lying!