1 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:39,742 'I was dreaming - dreaming my dick was out 2 00:02:39,783 --> 00:02:44,455 'and I was checking if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus. 3 00:02:44,496 --> 00:02:50,252 'If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife Cilla and bust it by jacking off. 4 00:02:50,294 --> 00:02:53,046 'Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. 5 00:02:53,088 --> 00:02:55,299 'Dreams let you think like that. 6 00:02:55,382 --> 00:02:59,720 'Truth was, I hadn't had a hard-on in years.' 7 00:03:22,492 --> 00:03:24,536 Oh, man. 8 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:59,738 'My God, man. How long have I been here? 9 00:03:59,821 --> 00:04:03,408 'Am I really awake now or am I just dreaming I'm awake? 10 00:04:03,491 --> 00:04:06,327 'How could my plans have gone so wrong? 11 00:04:06,369 --> 00:04:08,997 'When the hell are they gonna serve lunch? 12 00:04:09,038 --> 00:04:13,042 Considering what they serve, why the hell do I care? 13 00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:17,005 'If Priscilla discovered I was alive, would she come and see me? 14 00:04:17,088 --> 00:04:21,384 'Would we still wanna fuck or would we merely have to talk about it? 15 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:26,598 'Is there finally and really anything to life other than food, shit and sex? 16 00:04:34,314 --> 00:04:36,357 'Well, goddamn it. 17 00:04:38,818 --> 00:04:42,739 'How could I have gone from the King of Rock and Roll to this? 18 00:04:42,822 --> 00:04:47,118 'Old guy in a rest-home in east Texas with a growth on his pecker.' 19 00:05:04,343 --> 00:05:07,763 'What is that growth, man? Cancer? 20 00:05:07,847 --> 00:05:09,807 'Nobody's talking. 21 00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:12,643 'No one seems to know, or wants to.' 22 00:06:15,872 --> 00:06:18,709 Makes you wonder what kind of life this old guy had. 23 00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:21,128 - Huh? - What kind of life he had. 24 00:06:21,211 --> 00:06:25,007 His kids, his grandkids, his legacy. Look at him now. 25 00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:27,134 Ah, who gives a shit? 26 00:06:51,366 --> 00:06:52,742 Hm? 27 00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:22,605 Make you comfy. 28 00:07:28,027 --> 00:07:29,279 No. 29 00:09:04,248 --> 00:09:05,332 Oh! 30 00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:13,966 I'm gonna squish you, cockroach. 31 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,447 Help me. 32 00:11:10,873 --> 00:11:12,875 You know, I was thinking... 33 00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:16,420 What? You gonna get all weepy on my again? 34 00:11:16,462 --> 00:11:21,258 No. I was gonna suggest that you spray some deodoriser on the corpse 35 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:24,095 because she's smelling pretty ripe. 36 00:11:26,389 --> 00:11:28,557 Ugh! Good idea. 37 00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:44,633 Excuse me, miss. You gonna throw all that stuff out? 38 00:12:45,675 --> 00:12:46,760 Yeah. 39 00:12:46,802 --> 00:12:50,097 Could I have one of them pictures of Bull? 40 00:12:50,138 --> 00:12:53,266 Maybe his Purple Heart? 41 00:12:53,308 --> 00:12:56,102 I mean, he was pretty proud of that. 42 00:12:56,144 --> 00:12:59,773 And maybe that tin of chocolates there. 43 00:13:01,816 --> 00:13:03,902 I suppose. 44 00:13:08,323 --> 00:13:12,494 'The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. 45 00:13:12,535 --> 00:13:14,245 'She just didn't give a damn. 46 00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:17,540 'She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, 47 00:13:17,582 --> 00:13:20,919 'she didn't mind if I got a bird's-eye view of her love nest. 48 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,422 'It was the same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek. 49 00:13:24,464 --> 00:13:28,927 'I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon having a heart attack, 50 00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:32,180 'then lay back down and remain limp and still. 51 00:13:32,222 --> 00:13:35,308 'Course, these days, even a flutter was reassuring.' 52 00:13:38,061 --> 00:13:39,437 Thank you. 53 00:13:39,479 --> 00:13:41,898 Say, er... 54 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:45,318 - Bull your kin? - My daddy. 55 00:13:46,736 --> 00:13:48,655 Never seen you here before. 56 00:13:48,696 --> 00:13:53,034 I've only been here once before - when I checked him in. 57 00:13:54,035 --> 00:13:57,163 That was three years ago, wasn't it? 58 00:13:57,205 --> 00:13:58,748 You and him friends? 59 00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:02,001 No. He never felt good enough to say much. 60 00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:07,131 I just hated to see what was left of him go away so easy. 61 00:14:08,216 --> 00:14:10,551 Seemed like an all right guy. 62 00:14:10,593 --> 00:14:14,555 Mentioned you a lot. You're Callie, right? 63 00:14:14,597 --> 00:14:18,392 Yeah. Well, he was all right. 64 00:14:19,435 --> 00:14:21,646 But not enough to come see him? 65 00:14:22,688 --> 00:14:26,275 Don't lay some guilt trip on me. I did what I could. 66 00:14:26,317 --> 00:14:31,697 If it hadn't been for Medicaid or Medicare or whatever, he'd have been in a ditch. 67 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,745 I sure didn't have the money to take care of him. 68 00:14:40,414 --> 00:14:45,127 'My own daughter - lost long ago to me. 69 00:14:45,169 --> 00:14:49,340 'If she knew I lived, would she come and see me? Would she even care? ' 70 00:14:50,382 --> 00:14:53,886 You could have come and seen him. They don't charge for that. 71 00:14:54,762 --> 00:14:57,389 Mind your own business. 72 00:14:57,431 --> 00:14:59,516 I was busy. 73 00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:17,659 Well, well, well, if it isn't my favourite patient? 74 00:15:17,701 --> 00:15:19,745 How are you, Mr Haff? 75 00:15:19,787 --> 00:15:23,916 I'm all right, but I prefer "Mr Presley" or "Elvis". 76 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:28,045 I keep telling you that. I don't go by Sebastian Haff any more. 77 00:15:28,086 --> 00:15:32,591 - I'm not trying to hide any more. - I knew that, but I forgot. 78 00:15:32,633 --> 00:15:35,260 Good morning, Elvis. 79 00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:41,016 Did you know we have a celebrity here, Miss Thomas? 80 00:15:41,058 --> 00:15:44,061 Elvis Presley - the rock and roll singer. 81 00:15:45,354 --> 00:15:47,230 I thought he was dead. 82 00:15:48,523 --> 00:15:52,277 Well, Elvis is dead. Mr Haff knows that, don't you? 83 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:57,449 Hell, no. I'm right here. I ain't dead... yet. 84 00:15:58,074 --> 00:16:02,996 Now, Mr Haff! I don't mind calling you Elvis, 85 00:16:03,038 --> 00:16:06,124 but you're a little confused and you like to play. 86 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:10,921 You were an Elvis impersonator, remember? 87 00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:17,594 You fell off the stage and broke your hip. When was it? 20 years ago. 88 00:16:17,636 --> 00:16:21,389 It got infected and you were in a coma for quite a while. 89 00:16:21,431 --> 00:16:25,810 You came out with a few "problems". 90 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:31,649 I was just impersonating myseIf. I couldn't do nothing else. 91 00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:35,445 I don't have any problems. Are you trying to say my brain's messed up? 92 00:16:35,487 --> 00:16:37,989 Why would you wanna be somebody else? 93 00:16:39,073 --> 00:16:42,785 I got tired of it. I was hooked on pills, you know? 94 00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:44,704 I wanted out. 95 00:16:44,746 --> 00:16:48,875 This boy, Sebastian Haff, he was an Elvis imitator - he was the best of 'em. 96 00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:53,671 He took my place. The problem is he had a bad heart. 97 00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:58,426 He liked drugs too - more than I did - so it was him that died, not me. 98 00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:00,595 I just took his place. 99 00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:04,932 'Why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr Presley? 100 00:17:04,974 --> 00:17:06,934 'All that money? ' 101 00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:09,270 'I don't know. Cos I got old. 102 00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:17,361 'The women I loved, Priscilla, she was gone. 103 00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:20,114 'The rest of the women were just women. 104 00:17:21,616 --> 00:17:24,285 'I mean, the music wasn't mine any more. 105 00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:28,331 'I wasn't even me any more, just this thing they'd made up. 106 00:17:30,041 --> 00:17:32,126 'And my friends... 107 00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:36,464 'Well, they were sucking me dry. 108 00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:44,013 'So I took a little road trip down to Nacogdoches 109 00:17:44,055 --> 00:17:48,225 'to check out this Sebastian Haff.' 110 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:37,900 It's all right, boys. Just wait here. 111 00:19:00,797 --> 00:19:02,883 Oh, my God! 112 00:19:06,636 --> 00:19:09,097 I didn't think you'd really... 113 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:33,872 It's all right, boys. Just another freak. 114 00:19:35,457 --> 00:19:37,542 Let's split. 115 00:19:48,595 --> 00:19:50,305 - Whoa! - Sorry, man. 116 00:19:50,346 --> 00:19:53,850 - I got it, I got it. - It's all yours, baby. 117 00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:05,153 'So I signed everything over to Sebastian. 118 00:20:05,194 --> 00:20:08,656 'Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. 119 00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:11,993 'I was determined to make myseIf a new life. 120 00:20:12,034 --> 00:20:14,162 'A better one. 121 00:20:15,496 --> 00:20:18,416 'For me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. 122 00:20:20,126 --> 00:20:22,795 'If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. 123 00:20:22,837 --> 00:20:25,756 'It was all written up in the contract. 124 00:20:25,798 --> 00:20:30,595 'The thing was, I lost my copy in a barbecue accident. 125 00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:36,934 'But that wasn't so bad. I was making new friends and enjoying myseIf.' 126 00:20:39,478 --> 00:20:40,980 Cheers! 127 00:20:51,031 --> 00:20:54,118 Oh, my! Did you see that thing? 128 00:20:55,202 --> 00:20:57,538 Just standing here! 129 00:20:57,580 --> 00:20:59,957 It just went up like that. 130 00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:02,293 'Now, Elvis... ' 131 00:21:02,334 --> 00:21:04,420 Yes... 132 00:21:05,296 --> 00:21:07,506 Don't carry it too far. 133 00:21:07,548 --> 00:21:11,635 You may just get way out there and not come back. 134 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,805 Oh, fuck you. 135 00:21:16,098 --> 00:21:21,311 Shit. Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. 136 00:21:21,353 --> 00:21:26,024 Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing. 137 00:21:26,066 --> 00:21:27,568 Well... 138 00:21:28,402 --> 00:21:30,320 I've got what I want. 139 00:21:30,362 --> 00:21:34,032 - The clothes can go to Goodwill. - Very well. 140 00:21:34,116 --> 00:21:37,786 And I'm sorry about your father. He was a nice man. 141 00:21:37,870 --> 00:21:39,329 Yeah. 142 00:21:40,372 --> 00:21:42,291 Nice to meet you, Mr Presley. 143 00:21:42,332 --> 00:21:45,711 - Get the hell out. - Now, now. 144 00:21:45,752 --> 00:21:51,633 I'll be back later to do that little... thing that has to be done. You know. 145 00:21:54,511 --> 00:21:58,015 - Elvis! - Ssh! 146 00:22:07,983 --> 00:22:10,193 Poor Bull. 147 00:22:11,236 --> 00:22:15,240 In the end, does anything really matter? 148 00:22:19,411 --> 00:22:22,205 'No one here ever listened to me. 149 00:22:22,247 --> 00:22:26,585 'Except this one guy - only he was certifiable.' 150 00:22:26,626 --> 00:22:29,671 That's where they took a piece of my brain. 151 00:22:29,713 --> 00:22:32,173 They got it back in DC in that goddamn jar. 152 00:22:34,342 --> 00:22:37,345 I got a little bag of sand up there now. 153 00:22:38,513 --> 00:22:43,852 Jack, no offence, but... President Kennedy was a white man. 154 00:22:43,893 --> 00:22:45,937 That's how clever they are. 155 00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:49,274 They dyed me this colour, all over. 156 00:22:49,315 --> 00:22:52,485 Can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that? 157 00:23:51,127 --> 00:23:55,589 'I was living simple... the way Haff had been. 158 00:23:55,631 --> 00:23:59,677 'Going from town to town doing the Elvis act. 159 00:23:59,718 --> 00:24:01,929 'I felt like I was really me again.' 160 00:24:02,012 --> 00:24:05,349 - Can you dig that? - We're digging it, Mr Haff. 161 00:24:05,391 --> 00:24:08,143 Mr Presley. Mr Presley. 162 00:24:44,721 --> 00:24:48,517 'Women threw themselves at me because they could imagine I was Elvis. 163 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,145 'Only I was Elvis - playing Sebastian Haff playing Elvis. 164 00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,857 'It was good. I didn't mind the contract being burnt. 165 00:24:55,941 --> 00:24:58,944 'I didn't even try to convince anybody. 166 00:25:00,404 --> 00:25:02,447 'Then I had the accident. 167 00:25:02,531 --> 00:25:05,283 'I was gyrating and my hip went out.' 168 00:25:05,325 --> 00:25:07,244 - Oh-h! 169 00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:10,330 'I'd been having trouble with it.' 170 00:25:25,679 --> 00:25:27,722 Damn, it's cold in here. 171 00:25:38,191 --> 00:25:41,361 No way. That's it. This time I'll make it. 172 00:25:42,487 --> 00:25:44,948 No more piss or crap in the bed. 173 00:26:53,808 --> 00:26:55,142 Whoa! 174 00:26:57,061 --> 00:26:58,771 Man! 175 00:26:58,813 --> 00:27:01,732 That is one big bitch cockroach. 176 00:27:01,774 --> 00:27:03,400 Oh! 177 00:27:33,889 --> 00:27:35,974 All right, man. Let's go. 178 00:27:44,441 --> 00:27:45,651 Damn. 179 00:27:49,696 --> 00:27:51,448 Hot damn! 180 00:28:20,644 --> 00:28:23,230 Got you, you six-legged bastard. 181 00:28:33,156 --> 00:28:35,033 Where... 182 00:29:03,978 --> 00:29:07,482 Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... 183 00:29:08,858 --> 00:29:13,363 never, never fuck with the King. 184 00:29:15,323 --> 00:29:17,408 Oh-hh! 185 00:29:31,631 --> 00:29:36,052 Hey! Is anybody out here? 186 00:29:39,722 --> 00:29:43,684 I think we got some major bug problems in this place, man. 187 00:30:49,666 --> 00:30:51,543 Oh, man. 188 00:30:53,170 --> 00:30:54,213 Jack? 189 00:31:03,931 --> 00:31:07,309 Jack? Hey, man, you OK? 190 00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,860 What the Sam Hill is that? 191 00:31:20,363 --> 00:31:21,948 Mr Kennedy? 192 00:31:28,663 --> 00:31:31,750 Hey, man. You're on the floor. 193 00:31:33,210 --> 00:31:36,963 No shit? Who are you? 194 00:31:38,089 --> 00:31:40,592 Look, I'm... 195 00:31:40,634 --> 00:31:43,553 Sebastian. Sebastian Haff. 196 00:31:44,596 --> 00:31:47,265 Did you see him go by in the hall? 197 00:31:48,350 --> 00:31:52,145 - He scuttled, like. - Who, man? 198 00:31:52,187 --> 00:31:54,606 The one they sent. 199 00:31:54,647 --> 00:31:58,359 - Who's they? - Oh, you know who. 200 00:31:58,401 --> 00:32:01,196 No, Jack, I don't. Come on, man. 201 00:32:02,238 --> 00:32:05,158 Lyndon Johnson. Castro, maybe. 202 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,369 They sent somebody to finish me off. 203 00:32:08,411 --> 00:32:11,623 I think maybe it was Johnson himseIf. 204 00:32:11,664 --> 00:32:15,919 Real ugly. Real goddamn ugly! 205 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:18,254 Hey, look, man. President Johnson's dead. 206 00:32:18,296 --> 00:32:21,758 Shit. That ain't gonna stop him. 207 00:32:27,305 --> 00:32:29,390 Go to sleep. 208 00:32:34,145 --> 00:32:37,315 So you say you heard a... a noise? 209 00:32:37,356 --> 00:32:41,527 Yeah. I followed a sound. I heard something. It was like a... 210 00:32:41,569 --> 00:32:44,697 I don't know. Like a... like a scuttling. 211 00:32:44,739 --> 00:32:48,117 - A scuttling sound? - Yes, sir. 212 00:32:48,159 --> 00:32:52,205 Were you awake or were you in bed when you heard this noise? 213 00:32:52,246 --> 00:32:56,208 I was in bed first, then I was awake co the damn bugs woke me up. 214 00:32:56,250 --> 00:32:59,003 You got bugs all over this place. 215 00:32:59,045 --> 00:33:03,883 Bugs. Well, Mr Haff, what kind of bugs have you been seeing? 216 00:33:03,924 --> 00:33:06,552 Do I look like an icky-ologist to you? 217 00:33:06,594 --> 00:33:10,890 Big damn bugs. The size of my fist, of a peanut butter and banana sandwich. 218 00:33:10,931 --> 00:33:13,225 What do I care? I got a growth on my pecker. 219 00:33:13,267 --> 00:33:15,936 OK, Mr Haff. Don't worry about a thing. 220 00:33:15,978 --> 00:33:19,190 We'll call the exterminator tomorrow and take care of it. 221 00:33:19,231 --> 00:33:21,317 Thank you. Thank you very much. 222 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,590 It's time for that little thing again. 223 00:34:13,952 --> 00:34:17,581 'A doll like this handling me without warmth or emotion. 224 00:34:17,622 --> 00:34:19,291 '20 years ago - just 20, man - 225 00:34:19,333 --> 00:34:23,795 'I could have made with the curly-lipped smile and had her eating outta my asshole.' 226 00:34:23,837 --> 00:34:28,592 Doctor says this cream ought to do the trick. 227 00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:31,052 Corticosteroids. 228 00:34:31,094 --> 00:34:35,223 Should heal the inflammation. Stop the pus. 229 00:34:36,183 --> 00:34:39,102 'Where did my youth go? 230 00:34:39,144 --> 00:34:42,189 'Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? 231 00:34:42,230 --> 00:34:44,566 'Why the hell did I leave the fame? 232 00:34:44,608 --> 00:34:48,153 'Do I want it back and could I have it, and if I could, 233 00:34:48,194 --> 00:34:51,114 'would it make any damn difference? ' 234 00:35:11,551 --> 00:35:14,220 Mr Haff! 235 00:35:14,262 --> 00:35:16,014 Huh? 236 00:35:20,226 --> 00:35:22,854 'Lord almighty.' 237 00:35:24,022 --> 00:35:27,108 You old rascal. 238 00:35:29,402 --> 00:35:32,864 I think you'd better take a cold shower, Mr Haff. 239 00:35:32,905 --> 00:35:37,827 'There had been two presidential elections since I had a boner like that one. 240 00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:40,788 'What gave here? Then I realised what gave. 241 00:35:40,830 --> 00:35:43,708 'I was thinking about something that interested me - 242 00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:46,043 'not my next meal or going to the crapper. 243 00:35:46,085 --> 00:35:49,672 'I'd been given a dose of life again.' 244 00:35:53,092 --> 00:35:55,469 You get in there with me, I'll take a shower. 245 00:35:55,511 --> 00:35:58,055 You silly thing. 246 00:35:58,097 --> 00:36:00,641 Come on, now. Why don't you pull on it a little? 247 00:36:02,476 --> 00:36:04,979 You ought to be ashamed. 248 00:36:38,679 --> 00:36:42,891 Whe-he. Whe-he. 249 00:36:44,268 --> 00:36:46,520 It's an ambush. 250 00:36:47,896 --> 00:36:51,025 Under the bridge. I saw him under the bridge. 251 00:36:52,276 --> 00:36:55,320 It's an ambush! Tonto. My boots, Tonto. 252 00:36:55,362 --> 00:36:59,408 'That's my friend, Kemosabe. We used to play cards together. 253 00:36:59,450 --> 00:37:01,952 - My boots! - 'Now he doesn't know who I am.' 254 00:38:00,343 --> 00:38:02,429 Daddy. 255 00:38:06,599 --> 00:38:08,685 Baby? 256 00:38:14,941 --> 00:38:19,988 - Sebastian. Sebastian. It's loose. - What's loose? 257 00:38:20,029 --> 00:38:21,573 Lt. Listen. 258 00:38:32,208 --> 00:38:34,669 Jesus Christ. What's that? 259 00:38:34,711 --> 00:38:37,755 I thought it was Lyndon Johnson, but I was wrong. 260 00:38:37,797 --> 00:38:42,385 I've come across new evidence to suggest another assassin. 261 00:38:42,427 --> 00:38:44,178 Assassin? 262 00:38:44,220 --> 00:38:48,724 He's after another target tonight. Come on, I want to show you something. 263 00:38:48,766 --> 00:38:51,352 I don't think it's safe to go to sleep. 264 00:38:51,394 --> 00:38:54,021 For Christ's sake. Tell the administrators. 265 00:38:55,606 --> 00:38:58,526 Suits and white starches? No, thank you! 266 00:38:58,568 --> 00:39:03,114 I trusted them in Dallas and look where that got my brain and me. 267 00:39:03,155 --> 00:39:06,158 I'm thinking with sand here. 268 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:09,287 I pick up some waves maybe from my brain, 269 00:39:09,328 --> 00:39:14,500 but someday, somebody might just disconnect the battery at the White House. 270 00:39:14,542 --> 00:39:18,087 Oh, yeah. That's something to worry about, all right. 271 00:39:20,673 --> 00:39:24,593 Listen here. Listen. I know you're Elvis. 272 00:39:32,143 --> 00:39:36,897 There was a rumour, you know, that you hated me. 273 00:39:36,939 --> 00:39:40,025 But I thought about that. 274 00:39:40,067 --> 00:39:45,072 If you hated me, you could have finished me off the other night. 275 00:39:45,114 --> 00:39:49,618 All I want from you is that you look me straight in the eye 276 00:39:49,660 --> 00:39:54,748 and assure me you had nothing at all to do with that day in Dallas, 277 00:39:54,790 --> 00:39:59,420 and that you did not know Lee Harvey Oswald or Jack Ruby. 278 00:40:06,552 --> 00:40:10,597 Hey, look, man. I had nothing to do with Dallas 279 00:40:10,639 --> 00:40:15,018 and I knew neither Lee Harvey Oswald nor Jack Ruby. 280 00:40:15,060 --> 00:40:19,773 Good. May I call you Elvis instead of Sebastian? 281 00:40:19,815 --> 00:40:23,235 - You may. - Excellent. 282 00:40:23,277 --> 00:40:27,531 - You wear glasses to read? - I wear glasses when I want to see. 283 00:40:27,572 --> 00:40:29,741 Get 'em, but come on. 284 00:40:34,830 --> 00:40:37,374 Come on. Right down the hall. 285 00:40:39,835 --> 00:40:44,506 'The walker was swinging along easier tonight. Not even like I needed it. 286 00:40:44,548 --> 00:40:47,425 'Damn, this here Jack was a nut. 287 00:40:47,467 --> 00:40:51,721 'Maybe I was nuts too, but there was an adventure going on.' 288 00:40:51,763 --> 00:40:53,848 It's in here. 289 00:40:59,604 --> 00:41:01,690 In here. 290 00:41:12,242 --> 00:41:13,785 That's it? 291 00:41:13,827 --> 00:41:16,579 We're trying to figure out who attacked you 292 00:41:16,621 --> 00:41:20,125 and you bring me to look at stick pictures on the shithouse wall? 293 00:41:20,208 --> 00:41:21,751 Look close. 294 00:41:41,396 --> 00:41:44,023 - It's Egyptian. - Right. 295 00:41:44,065 --> 00:41:47,902 Hey, you're not as stupid as some folks made you out. 296 00:41:47,944 --> 00:41:49,362 Thank you. 297 00:41:49,404 --> 00:41:52,824 I copied this down yesterday. 298 00:41:52,907 --> 00:41:57,537 I came in to take a shit because they hadn't cleaned my bathroom, 299 00:41:57,578 --> 00:42:00,915 saw that on the wall, took it back to my room, 300 00:42:00,998 --> 00:42:03,709 and looked it up in my books. 301 00:42:03,751 --> 00:42:09,507 This top line translates roughly into, 302 00:42:09,590 --> 00:42:13,511 "Pharaoh gobbles donkey goobers" 303 00:42:13,552 --> 00:42:18,015 and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty". 304 00:42:18,099 --> 00:42:22,144 - Say what? - That's the best I can translate it. 305 00:42:23,354 --> 00:42:26,440 So one of the nuts in here, present company excluded, 306 00:42:26,482 --> 00:42:29,819 thinks he's Tutankhamen, writes hieroglyphics on the wall? 307 00:42:29,860 --> 00:42:32,863 What's the connection? Why are we standing in a toilet? 308 00:42:32,905 --> 00:42:36,575 I don't know what the connection is, exactly. Not yet. 309 00:42:36,617 --> 00:42:42,540 But that thing caught me asleep last night and I came awake just in time. 310 00:42:42,623 --> 00:42:48,128 He had me on the floor and had his mouth over my asshole. 311 00:42:48,170 --> 00:42:50,756 - A shit-eater? - I don't think so. 312 00:42:50,839 --> 00:42:53,759 He was after my soul. 313 00:42:53,801 --> 00:42:58,847 You can get it out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it. 314 00:42:58,889 --> 00:43:00,933 Where, man? Hustler? 315 00:43:01,016 --> 00:43:05,145 The Everyday Man Or Woman's Book Of The Soul by David Webb. 316 00:43:05,229 --> 00:43:10,234 They got some pretty good movie reviews in there about stolen soul movies. 317 00:43:10,317 --> 00:43:12,361 Come on. I'll show you. 318 00:44:07,540 --> 00:44:09,167 Oh! 319 00:44:11,670 --> 00:44:16,383 I think there might be an electrical problem in the gardener's shed. 320 00:44:16,466 --> 00:44:19,219 The light looks like it's shorting out. 321 00:44:19,302 --> 00:44:24,265 The whole place is falling apart, but you don't have to think about that. 322 00:44:24,349 --> 00:44:28,144 Miss Biddlestein is waiting on her enema. 323 00:44:28,228 --> 00:44:31,105 All right, all right. I'm coming. 324 00:44:33,233 --> 00:44:37,028 Just let me finish my cigarette first. 325 00:44:37,111 --> 00:44:39,155 God! 326 00:45:29,622 --> 00:45:32,583 There's an ugly son of a bitch. 327 00:45:41,675 --> 00:45:44,303 Damn! Hey, Jack. 328 00:45:44,345 --> 00:45:47,181 It says here that you can bury some dude 329 00:45:47,223 --> 00:45:52,186 and if he gets the right spells said over him and such bullshit, 330 00:45:52,228 --> 00:45:55,981 he can come back to life thousands of years later. 331 00:45:56,023 --> 00:45:57,816 But hold on now. 332 00:45:57,858 --> 00:46:01,612 To stay alive, he has to suck on the souls of the living 333 00:46:01,654 --> 00:46:06,075 and if the souls are small, his life force doesn't last long. 334 00:46:06,116 --> 00:46:08,327 Small? What does that mean? 335 00:46:08,369 --> 00:46:10,871 Read on. No, never mind. 336 00:46:10,913 --> 00:46:12,998 I'll tell you myseIf. 337 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:16,126 But first, would you like a Ding Dong? 338 00:46:17,544 --> 00:46:21,548 I don't mean mine. I mean a chocolate Ding Dong. 339 00:46:22,591 --> 00:46:25,928 Course, mine would be chocolate now that I have been dyed. 340 00:46:25,969 --> 00:46:28,555 - You got Ding Dongs, man? - Mm. 341 00:46:28,597 --> 00:46:33,060 - I got Paydays and a box of Baby Ruths. - Oh, mama. 342 00:46:34,895 --> 00:46:38,482 Which will it be? Let's get decadent. 343 00:46:39,608 --> 00:46:42,110 - I'll take a Baby Ruth. - Mm. 344 00:46:44,988 --> 00:46:46,740 All right. 345 00:46:46,782 --> 00:46:50,285 Now... small souls... 346 00:46:51,328 --> 00:46:54,790 are those that don't have much fire for life. 347 00:46:54,831 --> 00:46:56,958 You know a place like that? 348 00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,504 Man, if souls were fires they couldn't burn lower than in here. 349 00:47:00,545 --> 00:47:02,297 Exactamundo. 350 00:47:02,339 --> 00:47:07,761 What we have here at Shady Rest is an Egyptian soul-sucker of some sort. 351 00:47:07,802 --> 00:47:13,558 A mummy hiding out, coming in here, feeding on the sleeping. 352 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:16,102 It's perfect, you see? 353 00:47:16,144 --> 00:47:20,065 We're small souls, so we can't provide that much. 354 00:47:20,106 --> 00:47:24,944 But if that thing comes back two or three times in a row 355 00:47:24,986 --> 00:47:29,699 and wraps his lips around some elder's asshole, 356 00:47:29,741 --> 00:47:35,914 that elder is going to die pretty soon, and who will be the wiser? 357 00:47:46,341 --> 00:47:47,800 Aah! 358 00:47:55,767 --> 00:47:57,310 Asshole! 359 00:47:59,270 --> 00:48:02,648 A mummy can't be getting too much energy from this - 360 00:48:02,690 --> 00:48:06,819 not like the big souls - but the prey is easy. 361 00:48:06,861 --> 00:48:11,908 And with new people coming in, he can keep this up forever, this soul robbery. 362 00:48:11,949 --> 00:48:16,579 That's what they brought us here for - to get us out of the way until we die - 363 00:48:16,621 --> 00:48:22,251 and those who don't die first from disease or just plain being old, he gets. 364 00:48:22,293 --> 00:48:27,715 That's all well and good, Jack, but there's one thing that still throws me. 365 00:48:27,757 --> 00:48:31,886 How does an Ancient Egyptian wind up in a Texas rest-home 366 00:48:31,927 --> 00:48:35,181 and why is he writing on the shithouse walls? 367 00:48:35,222 --> 00:48:37,767 Well, he went in to take a crap, 368 00:48:37,808 --> 00:48:40,686 got bored, started writing on the walls. 369 00:48:40,728 --> 00:48:44,315 He probably wrote on pyramid walls centuries ago. 370 00:48:44,356 --> 00:48:47,193 Come on, man. What would he crap? He hadn't eat... 371 00:48:47,234 --> 00:48:53,282 Well, he eats souls, so I assume that he would crap soul residue. 372 00:48:53,324 --> 00:48:57,161 By that, I mean that if you die from his mouth, 373 00:48:57,203 --> 00:49:00,331 you don't go to the other side where souls go, 374 00:49:00,372 --> 00:49:05,502 he digests souls until they don't exist any more. 375 00:49:05,544 --> 00:49:09,381 And you're just so much toilet water decoration. 376 00:49:09,423 --> 00:49:11,842 Uh-huh. And speaking of toilets, 377 00:49:11,884 --> 00:49:16,180 this is how I figured that whole thing out. 378 00:49:16,221 --> 00:49:19,475 He's like anybody else when it comes to taking a dump. 379 00:49:19,516 --> 00:49:24,396 He wants a nice clean place with a flush. He didn't have that in his time.