1 00:00:04,088 --> 00:00:06,172 (ROCK OF AGES PLAYING) 2 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,634 ♪ All right 3 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:14,889 ♪ l got something to say 4 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,724 ♪ Yeah 5 00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:19,394 ♪ It's better to burn out 6 00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:20,728 ♪ Yeah 7 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,438 ♪ Than fade away 8 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,943 ♪ All right 9 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,197 ♪ Ow 10 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,532 Terrific. 11 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,369 ♪ Gonna start a fire 12 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,622 (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) 13 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,790 ♪ Come on ♪ 14 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,959 What's up, numb-nuts? 15 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,377 Read 'em and weep. 16 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,212 Van Halen at the Centrum. 17 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,463 Third row! 18 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,215 You should take Jolene, man. 19 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,050 I heard she got big nipples. 20 00:00:51,135 --> 00:00:52,802 This is Van freakin' Halen, man. 21 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,387 Get serious. 22 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,390 Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore. 23 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,851 Dude, I'm into guys, too! 24 00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,185 No, no, no, no, no. 25 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,520 That's not what I meant. 26 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:05,690 I'm into women. 27 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,443 (I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING) 28 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,165 ♪ Yeah ♪ 29 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:34,218 Hey, Mary. 30 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,430 I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend. 31 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:38,848 What time should I pick you up? 32 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,517 It is Miss McGarricle, Donny. 33 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:45,062 And that's cute, but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend. 34 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,607 Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends? 35 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,275 Let's just start with a summer fling, 36 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,651 couple of hand jobs, 37 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,445 no expectations. 38 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,530 Don't get all psycho on me right away. 39 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,033 That is a month's detention. 40 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,287 What's a hand job? 41 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,873 I don't know, but I think I want one. 42 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:08,795 Can I go to the bathroom? 43 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,756 No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger. 44 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,716 All right, I'm sorry for what I did. 45 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,301 I promise I won't do it again. 46 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054 You're in a lot of trouble, Donny. 47 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,641 Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you? 48 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,810 He'll kick my ass. He. . . He's crazy. 49 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,062 What were you trying to do, anyway? 50 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,396 Impress your friends? 51 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,942 Well, you know, you're, um. . . 52 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,903 You have a little crush on me? 53 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,321 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No. 54 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,658 "No." So, you. . . 55 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,576 You don't want me. 56 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,413 No. Yeah. 57 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,124 I. . . I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. 58 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,335 Is that gum in your mouth, Donny? 59 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,384 Mmm. 60 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:02,265 You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny. 61 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,641 When you hit that shot 62 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,685 to beat Fairfield and you were 63 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,271 jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird 64 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,147 short-shorts and sweating 65 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,859 like a jar of pickles in the hot sun. . . 66 00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:14,694 (SIGHS) Oh, God. 67 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,404 That was so hot. 68 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:21,492 Is this really happening? 69 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,703 This is happening. 70 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,038 It's happening right now. 71 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,582 In my office. 72 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,584 Okay. Awesome. 73 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,878 So, I. . . I'm totally in. 74 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,546 How do you want to do it? 75 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,716 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways. 76 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,218 So you want to go straight to hand jobs 77 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,346 or eating me out or taking me from behind? 78 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,723 I'll teach you. 79 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,600 DONNY: (VOICE CRACKS) I'm a virgin. 80 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:51,063 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 81 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,899 Oh, my God. 82 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:56,402 Oh, my God. Oh, my God ! 83 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,445 (AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK PLAYING) 84 00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:59,906 ♪ Ow 85 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,407 ♪ Oh, yeah 86 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:02,491 ♪ You know 87 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:05,995 ♪ Oh 88 00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,421 (READING IN HEBREW) 89 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,089 ♪ Well, they say it's kind of frightening 90 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,716 ♪ How this younger generation swings 91 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,093 ♪ You know it's more than just... 92 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,887 Who? Me? 93 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,723 ♪ Well, the kid is into losing sleep 94 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,975 ♪ And he don't come home for half the week 95 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:31,979 ♪ You know it's more than just an aggravation 96 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:36,776 ♪ And the cradle will rock 97 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,277 Hey, Donny, what'd you get? 98 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,279 ♪ Cradle will rock 99 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:43,157 ♪ And l say rock on ♪ 100 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,993 And if I'm elected eighth grade class president, 101 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:47,119 I promise to. . . 102 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,372 MARY: (GASPING) You're getting so good at this! 103 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,964 I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and, um. . . 104 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,800 MARY: All of our practice is really paying off! 105 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,884 (MARY MOANING) 106 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,511 I like the sound of that. 107 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,972 (MARY MOANING) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) 108 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,392 Timmy, stop. Hold on a second. 109 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,607 (AUDIENCE GASPS) 110 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,360 (SCREAMS) 111 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:24,031 (AUDIENCE MURMURING) 112 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:28,953 My dad's gonna kick my ass. 113 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,213 (CHEERING) 114 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,511 Calm down ! 115 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,564 (WILD CHEERING) 116 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,609 AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 117 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,861 Who's the man? 118 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,531 Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 119 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,867 Yeah ! You want some of me? Who's the man? 120 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,702 (CHEERING CONTINUES) 121 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,371 (CAMERAS CLICKING) 122 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:14,957 JUDGE: All right, everybody! 123 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,042 (GAVEL BANGING) 124 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,376 Enough ! 125 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,378 I am aware that a lot of people think 126 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,005 that this young man 127 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,883 is not really a victim, but someone that's living 128 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,886 the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy. 129 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,846 Absolutely. (GALLERY MURMURS) 130 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,222 JUDGE: But. . . (GAVEL BANGING) 131 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,224 . . .this is a serious crime. 132 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,852 Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing. 133 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,105 (GALLERY GASPS) (MURMURS) 134 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,691 JUDGE: The fact that this relationship 135 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:44,236 has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse, 136 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,739 saying, and I quote, 137 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,743 "I would fuck that kid again and again. 138 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:54,330 "He makes me feel like there's a rainbow 139 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,123 "coming out of my beaver. . ." 140 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,583 (GALLERY MURMURS) 141 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,418 . . .leaves me absolutely no choice 142 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,837 but to levy the maximum penalty. 143 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:03,506 Thirty years 144 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,383 in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary. 145 00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,096 And furthermore, the court grants custody 146 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,640 of the unborn child to Donald Berger's father. . . 147 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,266 Dumb-ass. 148 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,435 . . .until Donald turns 1 8, 149 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,437 at which time he will assume full custody. 150 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:19,563 (GALLERY MURMURS) 151 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,066 Take care of our baby, Donny! 152 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,275 Miss McGarricle! 153 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,319 I'll never stop loving you ! 154 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,822 That is just fucking mental. 155 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,615 (LlMELlGHT PLAYING) 156 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,373 (CROWD CHEERING) 157 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,925 ♪ Living on a lighted stage 158 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,636 ♪ Approaches the unreal 159 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,305 ♪ For those who think and feel 160 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,142 ♪ ln touch with some reality (BABY COOS) 161 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,936 ♪ Beyond the gilded cage 162 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,313 The kid is young, he's attractive, 163 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,358 he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy. 164 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:07,319 ♪ Cast in this unlikely role 165 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,822 ♪ lll-equipped to act 166 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,616 ♪ With insufficient tact 167 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,202 ♪ One must put up barriers 168 00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:16,954 Made you flinch, pansy. 169 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,664 Go ahead! l don't need you! 170 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,958 l'm Donny freakin' Berger! 171 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,711 l'm wicked famous and l got a wicked big schlong! 172 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:24,962 RADIO DJ 1 : Hey, here's something. 173 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,505 Donny Berger's back in the news. 174 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,340 RADIO DJ 2: That kid who got his teacher pregnant? 175 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,675 Exactly. Oh, I Iove that guy. 176 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,343 Seems Iike he bought a round last night. 177 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:32,469 Okay. 178 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,180 For everybody in Boston Garden. 179 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,348 (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, he's my hero. 180 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,350 That kid is burning through that money, 181 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,352 but he's having a good time doing it. 182 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,897 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 183 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:46,567 (OVER CAR STEREO) ♪ The underlying theme ♪ 184 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,823 (MUSIC STOPS) 185 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,119 (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) 186 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,830 DONNY: So, guy, how'd we do? 187 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,041 What them fuckers at the IRS say? 188 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,459 Well, they said a lot of stuff. 189 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,919 The thing that really jumped out 190 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,046 was "three years in prison." 191 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,423 Three years? Yeah, you haven't paid taxes 192 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,799 since '94, Donny. 193 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,761 What. . . I thought they were taking it out automatically! 194 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:15,429 I told them that's what you thought, 195 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:17,431 and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard. 196 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:19,058 But there is some good news. 197 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,685 If you can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend, 198 00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,062 they'll suspend the sentence. 199 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,563 Oh, okay, there you go. 200 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,065 What are we talking about? Hit me. 201 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,274 43,000. 202 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:28,567 43 grand? 203 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:29,818 No! 204 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,905 Come on, Donny! 205 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,615 Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster. 206 00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,116 It's my favorite one. 207 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,826 Look at that jawline. 208 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,412 Just the right amount of scruff. 209 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,665 I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here! 210 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,333 I don't got 43 grand ! 211 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,168 Well, look, hey, good news. 212 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,836 Monday's Memorial Day, 213 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,755 so you don't need to get the money till Tuesday. 214 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,175 All right. That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini ! 215 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,677 Hey, hey, hey! 216 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:55,970 You're killing me, man ! 217 00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,681 Don't mess with the genius. 218 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,933 Jimmy, I got $28 to my name. 219 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,434 28, huh? Okay. 220 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,271 I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in. 221 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,689 What is it, a horse? No. 222 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,776 This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy. 223 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,278 Fat guy? 224 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,612 Gonna run the marathon. 225 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,864 Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1 . 226 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,950 But this cat's got wheels on him. 227 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,952 I think he's gonna win, I really do. 228 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,996 All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck, 229 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,497 but I can't count on that. 230 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,624 It's a long shot, you said it yourself. 231 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:26,875 But what about your kid? 232 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,294 Maybe he can come up with the dough. 233 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,962 We don't talk no more. 234 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,006 He kind of moved out when he turned 1 8, 235 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,008 and, uh, that's the last I seen of him. 236 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,884 What happened? I don't know. 237 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,137 I loved that little Han Solo 238 00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:40,431 more than anything in the world, too. 239 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,143 You named your kid Han Solo? Yes, sir. 240 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,644 Han Solo Berger? 241 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,187 Coolest name in the world, right? 242 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,731 Why don't you just Facebook him? 243 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:49,857 I can't afford that shit. 244 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,317 What am I, a billionaire? 245 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:54,486 I don't think he wants to be found, anyways. 246 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,572 Especially by me. 247 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:11,462 Hey, look! It's us! (SHRIEKING) 248 00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:12,546 On the cover! 249 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,839 Don't we look great? 250 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,174 Yeah, well, you look good. 251 00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,759 I kind of look like a ventriloquist. 252 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,344 (CHUCKLES) 253 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,846 I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right? 254 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,681 I mean, it's got our faces and our names. 255 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,600 It just seems like anyone could find us. 256 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,602 "Find us?" Honey, 257 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,228 did you take your Xanax today? 258 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,355 Yeah, two. 259 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,857 I always double down when your parents are in town. 260 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,068 Do you have your security undies? 261 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,527 Yep, right here. Good. 262 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,029 I know that makes you feel better. 263 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,073 There's stranger things than walking around 264 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,575 with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies. 265 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:45,579 Look, just this once, don't be so weird. 266 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,456 We're gonna have the best wedding ever. 267 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,624 Okay. 268 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,964 (SIGHS SOFTLY) 269 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,175 DONNY: HoIy shit. 270 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,886 What the hell happened to my Iife, ChampaIe? 271 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,390 Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh? 272 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,184 No. The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger, 273 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,936 and no one wants to pay for that anymore. 274 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:11,105 Aw, Donny. 275 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,564 Wow! 276 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,400 My face is your toilet! 277 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,276 Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny. 278 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,487 Hey, whoa. 279 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:22,074 Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast after you finish your dance? 280 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,492 Give it to me now, honey. 281 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,661 Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny? 282 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,038 Holy cow, that's my son ! 283 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,415 Who, Han Solo? 284 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,083 I thought you said he was a fatty. 285 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,336 No, no, no. He must have lost the weight or something, 286 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,171 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy. 287 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,924 It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday 288 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,009 "at All Saints Church on Cape Cod." 289 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,761 Todd Peterson? 290 00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,096 He changed his name! 291 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,222 Why? 292 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,767 What was wrong with Han Solo Berger? 293 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,936 It's the coolest fucking name of all time. 294 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,604 "Peterson is one of the youngest 295 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,107 "large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry." 296 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,067 Oh, he got rich on us, huh? 297 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,282 "All the more impressive considering he was orphaned 298 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,783 "at age nine when both his parents 299 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,869 "died in a horrific explosion." 300 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,997 He fucking blew me up and his mother? 301 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,291 Donny, maybe your son could help you, financially. 302 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,835 I don't know. This kid changed his name. 303 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,962 He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore. 304 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,630 He's not gonna want to talk to me. 305 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,800 That was the incomparable ChampaIe. 306 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:23,135 (APPLAUSE) And now, looking hot 307 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,304 and ignoring doctor's orders, 308 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,556 let's welcome Amber. (WOLF WHISTLES) 309 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,516 What the fuck happened to her? 310 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,518 Fuck you, Kenny! 311 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,562 Hey, what's up, RoboCop? 312 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,525 GERALD: This is where your boss lives? 313 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,819 TODD: Oh, uh, it's actually just his summer home. 314 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,571 GERALD: Summer home. What a dick. 315 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,697 JAMIE: Dad ! 316 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,616 Oh, my goodness. 317 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,911 Todd, it's just breathtaking ! 318 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,913 (LAUGHS) Hey! There he is. 319 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,331 Hey, Mr. Spirou. 320 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,333 There's my golden boy. (LAUGHS) 321 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,709 Come over here, champ. 322 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,336 Come on, get over here. Oh, oh. 323 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,545 Hi. Yeah. 324 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,172 Oh, look at you. 325 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,425 Look at you, the lovely bride. 326 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,260 What a couple! 327 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,138 Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that you're letting us all stay here. 328 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,389 Seriously, thank you so much. 329 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,350 Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen. 330 00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,768 Oh, it's a pleasure. Hi. 331 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,102 Your daughter's a sweetheart. 332 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,688 You can tell she likes Todd for Todd, 333 00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,857 not because he's gonna be rich. 334 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,026 I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger 335 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,028 like the last three whores I married, huh? 336 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,613 (LAUGHTER) 337 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:28,784 True story. All three? Whores. (CHUCKLES) 338 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,369 Huh. 339 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,121 Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa. 340 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,457 You know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country, 341 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,417 so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em. 342 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:38,794 (LAUGHS) 343 00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:41,296 Go get the fucking bags! 344 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,717 Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always said that if the finance game 345 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,053 was an amusement park, your son would be a roller coaster, 346 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,806 and I would just ride him all day long. 347 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,892 (CHUCKLES) That came out weird. 348 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:55,477 Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think 349 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,729 that he's the star of the family. 350 00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:01,441 But before he was born, I modeled a bathing suit 351 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,152 for a Woolworth advertisement. 352 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,823 Well, you still have quite a figure on you there, Delores. 353 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,492 Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod. 354 00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:13,745 (LAUGHS) Oh, why, thank you. 355 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:14,997 JAMIE: Oh ! 356 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,081 Chad's here! 357 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,416 Oh, my God. Oh, hooray. 358 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,542 TODD: Fantastic. (JAMIE CHUCKLES) 359 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,253 I. . . I guess they didn't want to see it. 360 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,463 Yay, Chad ! (LAUGHS) 361 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,257 Come here. Mom. 362 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,800 Oh, sweetheart. I'm home. 363 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,260 Dad, how are you, sir? 364 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:29,803 You look great. Thank you, sir. 365 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,013 Hey, Chad, I'm Todd. 366 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,472 Oh, my God. 367 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:34,141 Oh, God, I missed you, sis. 368 00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:36,184 That's a good hug. (CHUCKLES) 369 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,521 Chad, this is my fiance, Todd. 370 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,773 Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick. 371 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,025 Are you a soldier? 372 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,693 Uh, no. 373 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,445 Sailor? No. 374 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,530 Airman? No. 375 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,698 Girl Scout? 376 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,283 No. 377 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:54,953 Well, then I'd prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead 378 00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:57,789 and you shake my hand like the civilian you are. 379 00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:01,001 Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid. I don't know why I did that. 380 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,170 Honest mistake. Come here, I want to show you this. 381 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:06,465 (CHUCKLING) Look, if you ever do anything 382 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,885 to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued 383 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,637 service revolver, stick it straight up 384 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,056 your fuppin' poop chute, and empty the clip. 385 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,349 Do you feel me? 386 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,061 Yes, I totally feel you. . . Dawg. 387 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,312 (CHUCKLES) 388 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,314 Randy Jackson, right? 389 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,317 I've got 1 0 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now. 390 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,652 (CHUCKLES) Don't. 391 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:27,861 (CHUCKLES) 392 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,112 Don't. 393 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,869 Hi, sweetheart, how are you? 394 00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,996 Can I see Randall Morgan possibly? 395 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,706 Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment. 396 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,333 I knew you were gonna say that. 397 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:42,876 Uh, but you know what? 398 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,378 Tell him Donny Berger's out here. 399 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,004 He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend. 400 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,840 You know what? Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now. I'm sorry. 401 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,676 He's on vacation? That son of a. . . Oh, hey! 402 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:51,885 Vanilla Ice. 403 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,763 Randall's just getting makeup. Go ahead to the green room. 404 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,184 Vanilla, what's up, guy? 405 00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,937 It's been a long time. Uh, how you been? 406 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,441 Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment still? 407 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,734 You know that hurts me. 408 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:09,194 Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you. 409 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,320 How's it feel, chump? 410 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:11,905 It's breaking my heart. 411 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,199 We were friends for 20 years, guy. 412 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,034 We were friends until you banged my mother! 413 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,078 I didn't know it was her, I swear to God ! 414 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,080 It's not like her last name is Ice. 415 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,582 You should've known by the haircut! 416 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,376 Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte. 417 00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,877 Will you just. . . What? 418 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,629 I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy. 419 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,715 This, like, monetary thing. 420 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:33,635 I, uh. . . I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so. . . 421 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,928 What, do you think I got that kind of money? 422 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,430 Of course you got that kind of money. 423 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,099 Royalties from Ice Ice Baby, you must be fucking loaded ! 424 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,560 Man, listen, Queen took 50%. 425 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,270 Suge took the other 60%. 426 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,105 I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man ! 427 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,316 Dude, come on, will you please stop, collaborate and listen? 428 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,068 Oh, here. . . What? No, I love that song. 429 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,236 You know that shit. 430 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,821 I was on top of that, fucking day one. 431 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,407 Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now. 432 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,325 I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man. 433 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,286 I'll get you a deal on a barbecue sauce packet. 434 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,620 Fucking A, buddy. 435 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,415 Both of us. This sucks. 436 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,500 Broke. Who'd have thought this would happen to us? 437 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,754 Maybe I should call your mother. 438 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:09,921 She'll give me the money, I know that. 439 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,256 What? What? What? 440 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,716 What? (PEOPLE GASP) 441 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:14,676 (GROANING) 442 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:15,969 Hey, dude. 443 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,262 Didn't spill my beer, fucker. 444 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,473 (LAUGHS) Fuck you. 445 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,141 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 446 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,144 Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint 447 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,104 unless I got cameras rolling. 448 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,857 Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did, 449 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,234 let alone something that happened 25 years ago. 450 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,445 Oh, I'm telling you, when I walk down the street, 451 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,946 people are like, "There's that guy!" 452 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,573 I'm still fucking big, dude. 453 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,074 All right, how about this? 454 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,160 I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks. 455 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,871 Maybe I slip you in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right? 456 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,373 Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine. Yeah. 457 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,292 That would be huge, dude. How much money? 458 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,587 Um. . . Maybe 400 bucks. 459 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,963 400 bucks? 460 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,965 Dude, I need 43 G-birds. 461 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:55,467 What are we talking about right now? 462 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,636 RANDALL: (LAUGHING) You need $43,000? 463 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,137 Are you back on drugs? 464 00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,430 Yeah. It's never. . . 465 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,224 This is never going to happen. Never. 466 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,725 Little bit more blush if you can. 467 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,895 Just like you did that, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show. 468 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,985 That's actually a good idea, a reunion. 469 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,947 Me and Miss McGarricle, together again, 470 00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,074 live from a women's prison. 471 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,454 A women's prison. 472 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,499 Very sexy. Mmm-hmm. 473 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:28,750 We could shoot it this weekend. 474 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,752 You could give me the money. 475 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,671 Very sexy. 476 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,090 You know, you could eat that ass after I leave the room, 477 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,050 but I need an answer right now. What do you think? 478 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,301 What about your kid? 479 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:41,054 My kid? What about my kid? 480 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,139 He. . . He's got to be a walking Gong Show. 481 00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:45,392 No. What are you talking about? He's doing great. 482 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,185 He's, like, a hot shit now. He's getting married 483 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,187 down at the Cape this weekend. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 484 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,773 "Horny teacher baby makes good." 485 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,025 (SNIFFS) 486 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,902 Smell that? Smell it, Donny? 487 00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:58,572 What? That's not me. She probably cut the cheese. 488 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,407 No, no, no. No, ratings. 489 00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,200 (SNIFFS) I smell ratings. 490 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:06,454 My kid is very publicity-shy, so I. . . You know, to be honest, 491 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,164 I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this. 492 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,624 All right, here's the deal. 493 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,376 You get yourself and your actual kid 494 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,170 up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it, 495 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,089 I will give you 50 grand in cash. 496 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,507 'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, 497 00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,175 you want to be visiting a prison, 498 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,927 not living in one. 499 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,849 So, Todd, how does one get into 500 00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,225 the hedgehog business anyway? 501 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,935 Oh, it's actually hedge funds. 502 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,104 You think you're better than me? 503 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:32,898 No. 504 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,274 JAMIE: Chad, did you know 505 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,401 that Todd is really great with numbers? 506 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,819 You got to see this. Oh, Jamie, no. Don't make. . . 507 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,654 What's 452 times 77? 508 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,991 Beep boop beep. 84,304. 509 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,075 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 510 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,535 Oh, he could just be making that up. 511 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,703 No, he's not! 512 00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,831 Ooh. There's a calculator on my cell phone. 513 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,583 Okay. 514 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:55,253 What is 94. . . 515 00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:58,632 times 31 2, Todd? 516 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:03,011 Beep boop boop boop beep. 29,328, Helen. 517 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:04,846 Freaky. 518 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,349 I don't know. It's just something I can do. 519 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,392 Are you sure you're not a Chinaman? 520 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,019 TODD: Oh, that's inappropriate. 521 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,228 White whore. 522 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:14,439 (CHUCKLES) 523 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:15,690 (DOORBELL RINGING) JAMIE: Oh, I'll get it. 524 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,073 Oh, my God. You must be Jamie. 525 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,992 You're, like, even hotter than you looked in the paper. 526 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,243 (LAUGHS) Look at your hair 527 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,454 blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen 528 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,539 when she was fucking dry-humping that car. 529 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,249 Okay. 530 00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:35,377 And you must be. . . 531 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,045 Donny. 532 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,674 What's the matter? Chubby never even mentioned me? 533 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:41,841 Chubby? 534 00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:42,968 Oh, I mean. . . 535 00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,219 (MOCKING) Todd Peterson. 536 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,179 Why do you say it like that? 537 00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:48,056 It just comes out that way. 538 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,432 Where are my manners, right? 539 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:51,476 Could you hold that? Take a chug if you'd like. 540 00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,812 I got you a fucking great gift. 541 00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,398 Here it is. 542 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,983 I'll take the brew back. 543 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,734 Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking. . . 544 00:22:03,239 --> 00:22:04,489 Yeah ! 545 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,825 (LAUGHS) I don't know where they come up with this shit, 546 00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:08,660 but it's pretty fucking funny. 547 00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:10,495 Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me. 548 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,163 I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say, 549 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,873 "Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs." 550 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,501 Hey, I also made you a mix tape. 551 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,336 Who the fuck is rich in this house? 552 00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:19,462 Jeezum, it's huge. 553 00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:23,299 Uh, Todd, your old man is here? 554 00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:25,510 Wassup! 555 00:22:26,429 --> 00:22:27,554 Oh ! (GASPS) 556 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,681 Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. 557 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:30,765 No, it's. . . 558 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:31,850 Uh, let me just get that for you. 559 00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,018 Uh, uh, that's, uh. . . What? No. 560 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:34,519 Oh, sorry, those are yours. I. . . 561 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,856 Donny, what. . . what the fuck, man? Sorry. 562 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,941 Uh, what. . . what are you doing here? 563 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,443 What do you mean? 564 00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:42,777 I thought you said your parents were dead. 565 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:45,739 Um, no, they are. . . super dead. 566 00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:47,365 He's hilarious. 567 00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:49,617 (LAUGHS) My old man. 568 00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,037 My old man. . . friend. 569 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,205 From. . . 570 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,291 Wassup! 571 00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:57,959 Right? 572 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,170 Well, aren't you going to introduce us? 573 00:23:00,463 --> 00:23:01,546 No. Yes. 574 00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:03,006 Yes. Here we go. 575 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:06,509 Uh, this is, uh, my future father-in-law, Gerald, 576 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:08,595 and his lovely wife, Helen. 577 00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:10,680 And Jamie's brother, Chad. 578 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:12,974 Hey-o! Do not. . . That's. . . 579 00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:17,812 (LAUGHTER) 580 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:19,314 What? 581 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,398 I like the look of this. Who's this? 582 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:24,319 Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother, Delores, who's awake now. 583 00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:25,737 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you 584 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:27,030 get all the looks from, huh, sweetie? 585 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,615 Yeah, no, we're not related. 586 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,241 Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes, 587 00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:31,910 'cause you got the fucking. . . 588 00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:33,953 you're stacked pretty good. Mmm. 589 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:39,125 Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny. 590 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:40,668 Your best friend. 591 00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:42,212 I'm his best friend. 592 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,464 Mmm. Your best friend. 593 00:23:45,007 --> 00:23:46,966 Uh, yeah, no. 594 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,010 Remember I told you we met, uh. . . 595 00:23:49,553 --> 00:23:50,553 Where'd we meet? 596 00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,305 Um, we met. . . Where? 597 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,349 Come on. Uh, it's coming to me. 598 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,642 I saved his life. 599 00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:56,768 Oh. 600 00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,311 Well, more metaphorically. 601 00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,355 No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened. 602 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,649 It was, like, one of them, uh, train track kind of deals. 603 00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:04,651 My man over here, I see him, 604 00:24:04,735 --> 00:24:06,694 he drops his burrito on the tracks. 605 00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:08,530 I'm like, "All right, that happens." 606 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:11,366 Next thing you know, homeboy leaps down there, 607 00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:13,368 and he tries to retrieve the burrito. 608 00:24:13,828 --> 00:24:16,204 Okay? I see a train whizzing at him. 609 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,790 I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it." 610 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:21,251 I fucking leap down there myself, right, 611 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:23,044 and I give him a little shove on the heinie. 612 00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:24,671 "Get out of the way, buddy!" 613 00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,047 Next thing you know, I realize 614 00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:27,841 this thing's going to hit me. 615 00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,509 I fucking remember, though, 616 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:30,802 I had a kung fu instructor 617 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,138 who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm, 618 00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,014 and I bring it in there. 619 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,349 And I feel the train go by. 620 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:37,475 My eyes are closed. 621 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,311 Rips my shirt off my body, okay? I open my eyes. 622 00:24:40,396 --> 00:24:43,439 I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that? 623 00:24:43,524 --> 00:24:44,899 "That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen." 624 00:24:45,025 --> 00:24:46,359 I worked out at the time. 625 00:24:46,861 --> 00:24:48,153 Anyways, the place goes bananas for me, 626 00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:49,320 I sign a couple of titties, 627 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:51,156 and I started hanging out with this guy ever since. 628 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,782 Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy. 629 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:56,452 I just can't believe I've never heard that story before. 630 00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:59,038 Why wouldn't you just get another burrito, Todd? 631 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,125 Uh, wouldn't it be dirty? 632 00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:03,751 Great questions. 633 00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:06,004 Uh, it's one of the many things about this story 634 00:25:06,088 --> 00:25:08,006 that's pretty hard to believe. 635 00:25:08,382 --> 00:25:09,757 So, uh, where are you staying, Donny? 636 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:11,259 Oh, he's not staying. 637 00:25:11,427 --> 00:25:12,427 No. 638 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,598 I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right. 639 00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:20,059 Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here. 640 00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:21,561 You have to stay. 641 00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,938 He's your best friend. You're his best friend. 642 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,398 Sheesh, I'm not messing with her. 643 00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,942 I mean, you are my best friend, guy. 644 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,403 And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend. 645 00:25:30,863 --> 00:25:32,280 (LAUGHTER) Oh. 646 00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:36,117 Breast, with an "R." With an "R." 647 00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:38,661 Oh ! Ooh ! 648 00:25:38,996 --> 00:25:41,623 By the way, dude, you look fantastic. 649 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,416 You lost all the weight, homeboy. 650 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,709 I miss the titties. 651 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,045 You saved my life? Seriously? 652 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:49,005 What? They ate that up. 653 00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:51,758 You came up with a whole lot of nothing. 654 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:53,718 That's a nice suitcase, by the way. 655 00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:54,844 What is that, Louis Vuitton? 656 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:56,804 This is a Hefty bag. 657 00:25:57,223 --> 00:25:58,640 What the fuck are you talking about? 658 00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:00,475 What do you want, Donny? Money? 659 00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:03,228 You heard I was doing well, so you came looking for a handout? 660 00:26:03,312 --> 00:26:05,647 I don't want none of your money. How is that? Okay? 661 00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:07,148 I get it. You don't like me. 662 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:08,650 I exploded. 663 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:09,817 I wish you had exploded. 664 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,070 That way, I wouldn't have to see your stupid face anymore! 665 00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:13,154 Did you happen to notice 666 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,241 I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from you? 667 00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:17,992 Your mother's sick, by the way. 668 00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:19,494 (SIGHS) 669 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:20,662 I don't believe you. 670 00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:23,915 They don't know how long she's got. 671 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:25,333 What is that, nunchuks? 672 00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:28,169 I told her you would visit her up at the prison. 673 00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:32,632 I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy 674 00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,592 who would pull through for Mumsie. 675 00:26:35,386 --> 00:26:36,678 Know what I'm saying? 676 00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:38,680 She'd do the same for you. 677 00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:40,848 Really? 678 00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:43,017 Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day 679 00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:44,644 before the big surgery, so. . . 680 00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,062 So let me get this straight. 681 00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:48,273 You want me to go visit my "sick mom" 682 00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:50,483 that I haven't talked to in years, in prison, 683 00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,026 the day before my wedding. 684 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:53,361 Correct. 685 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:54,821 Not happening, asshole. 686 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:56,948 What the fuck did I do to you 687 00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:58,157 to make you hate me so much? 688 00:26:58,242 --> 00:26:59,742 I am fucking baffled right now. 689 00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:00,868 Well, maybe you don't remember, 690 00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:02,704 but you were basically the worst parent ever. 691 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,914 Me? I did everything for you, buddy, 692 00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:07,500 and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing. 693 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,210 You never gave me nothing. 694 00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:10,503 I gave you a snake. 695 00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:13,214 Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes. 696 00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:17,552 That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh. 697 00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:20,388 And I take pride in that, so fuck you. 698 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,181 Yeah, great. You know what? 699 00:27:22,266 --> 00:27:24,309 I basically had to raise myself, Donny. 700 00:27:24,393 --> 00:27:25,768 I never learned how to swim. 701 00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:27,312 I don't even know how to ride a bike. 702 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:28,896 You know how fucking humiliating that is? 703 00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,982 What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him? 704 00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:33,067 What? No. What's that? 705 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:35,361 Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand. 706 00:27:35,446 --> 00:27:37,905 He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad. 707 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,615 "Don't be upset, young man. 708 00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:41,200 "I'm your best friend. 709 00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:43,244 "Even though I'm an oven mitt." 710 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:45,163 No, I don't remember that, okay? 711 00:27:45,247 --> 00:27:46,247 You know what I do remember? 712 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,541 You making me drive you home from the beach 713 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:49,751 'cause you got too drunk. 714 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:51,252 It makes sense to me. 715 00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:53,629 When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home. 716 00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:55,006 I was eight! 717 00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:58,176 Well, you looked 1 4 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck. 718 00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,260 I'm sorry. 719 00:27:59,428 --> 00:28:00,887 Oh, you are such an asshole. 720 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,264 Dude, you're a millionaire now, 721 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,391 and you're marrying that hot chick. 722 00:28:05,768 --> 00:28:08,853 I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think? 723 00:28:09,146 --> 00:28:11,689 Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job? 724 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:13,149 DONNY: Oh, my God. 725 00:28:13,734 --> 00:28:15,860 You're a junkie? Who's your supplier? 726 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:17,820 'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around. 727 00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:19,655 It's insulin, you dick. 728 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:21,157 I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat 729 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,201 cake and lollipops for breakfast every day. 730 00:28:23,786 --> 00:28:24,994 But that's what you fucking asked for. 731 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,829 Yeah, you're supposed to say no. 732 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:28,247 You know, I weighed 400 pounds 733 00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:30,083 by the time I was 1 2. 734 00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:31,876 You know how hard it was to take that weight off? 735 00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:33,503 All right, all right. 736 00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:35,630 I. . . I didn't know what I was doing. 737 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:36,923 I had no one helping me. 738 00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:39,592 Grandpa was a psycho. You know that. 739 00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:41,969 Han Solo, don't be like this. 740 00:28:42,054 --> 00:28:43,221 I'm a good person. 741 00:28:43,305 --> 00:28:44,764 Okay, don't call me that, all right? 742 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:45,973 My name's Todd now. 743 00:28:46,058 --> 00:28:48,476 Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him. 744 00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:50,978 Good one. 745 00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:53,314 I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance. 746 00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:55,358 Do you have any Axe body spray? 747 00:28:56,610 --> 00:29:00,154 No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray. 748 00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,157 Because I'm not a fucking douche bag. 749 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,119 That's a douche bag thing? 750 00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:07,328 When did that become a douche bag thing? 751 00:29:07,413 --> 00:29:09,080 (KNOCK AT DOOR) JAMIE: Todd, the guests are arriving. 752 00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:10,206 Let's go! 753 00:29:10,833 --> 00:29:12,417 All right, can you lighten up a little bit? 754 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:13,709 We got a party to attend. 755 00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:14,794 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. 756 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:17,630 Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? 757 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,799 It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening. 758 00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:21,843 What? I haven't worn a tie 759 00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:24,053 since my mother's funeral when I was three. 760 00:29:24,138 --> 00:29:25,388 I'm not going to start that up again. 761 00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:26,848 That's great. Put on a tie. 762 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,350 No. Put on a tie! 763 00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:30,810 I'll never sell out. 764 00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:33,521 I'll give you 1 00 bucks. 765 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:34,772 Where's the tie? 766 00:29:34,857 --> 00:29:37,108 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) Look at this. 767 00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:39,110 Jamie is going to have it all. 768 00:29:39,194 --> 00:29:40,403 (SIGHS) 769 00:29:41,989 --> 00:29:43,197 TODD: Oh, by the way, Mr. Spirou, 770 00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:45,324 I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking, 771 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:47,326 if we hedge our position on oil, we could really, um. . . 772 00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:50,496 (TODD SIGHS) 773 00:29:51,582 --> 00:29:53,916 Uh, if we were to short the euro, we could. . . 774 00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:56,502 Oh, come on, Todd. This is your wedding weekend. 775 00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,880 You are marrying a real workaholic. You do know that. 776 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,674 Yeah, but isn't that what you want in a partner? 777 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,468 Oh, she's good, this one. 778 00:30:03,552 --> 00:30:05,219 (LAUGHING) Oh, she's good. 779 00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,098 All right, all right. 780 00:30:09,183 --> 00:30:10,433 Uh, I haven't made that decision yet, 781 00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:11,976 but I love this kid. 782 00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:14,520 You lost your dad in that explosion, and. . . 783 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:15,980 and I lost my son. 784 00:30:16,315 --> 00:30:18,399 I thought your son was a ski instructor in Vail. 785 00:30:18,859 --> 00:30:20,818 He's a pot-smoking bum ! 786 00:30:21,278 --> 00:30:23,154 Not like you, Todd. Oh, no. 787 00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:25,072 You're the type of boy a father can be proud of. 788 00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:26,574 Yeah, we'll never know, will we? 789 00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:29,952 Who's that? Oh, I'm not here. 790 00:30:30,871 --> 00:30:33,748 That's, uh, Donny. 791 00:30:34,708 --> 00:30:35,958 Donny, come on. 792 00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:37,210 Say hi to everyone. 793 00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:39,420 Oh, God, hang on. 794 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:41,255 Let me swing these free. 795 00:30:42,758 --> 00:30:44,258 Glad all the children saw that. 796 00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:45,760 JAMIE: Uh, Donny, 797 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:47,261 this is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss. 798 00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:52,099 Wassup! 799 00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:55,520 Is that back? 800 00:30:57,648 --> 00:30:59,732 Because I've been dying for that to come back. 801 00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:00,858 Wassup! 802 00:31:01,026 --> 00:31:02,193 Yeah ! 803 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,028 That's my boy! Look at him ! 804 00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:05,321 He ain't a tight-ass. 805 00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:06,489 Wassup! 806 00:31:06,823 --> 00:31:07,865 (LAUGHING) 807 00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:12,286 Wassup! Wassup! 808 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:14,205 Wassup! 809 00:31:14,957 --> 00:31:16,290 (LAUGHING) 810 00:31:16,959 --> 00:31:18,084 What's up? 811 00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:23,506 Boo! 812 00:31:23,966 --> 00:31:25,925 That was terrible, Todd. 813 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,719 So, I see the. . . the train coming, 814 00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:30,846 and something kind of like takes over me, you know? 815 00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,225 Here you go, Abigail. Thank you. 816 00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:37,311 And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right? 817 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,313 Snaps my legs in two. 818 00:31:39,398 --> 00:31:40,398 (LADIES GASPING) 819 00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:43,067 What did I expect? It was a 25-foot drop, you know? 820 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,610 25 feet? 821 00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:46,946 So I grab Burrito Bandito over here, 822 00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:48,364 and I just roll him out of the way. 823 00:31:48,949 --> 00:31:50,700 The train missed our skulls by inches. 824 00:31:51,285 --> 00:31:52,868 Why would you do something like that, Todd? 825 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:54,662 You know, I really don't know, Steve. 826 00:31:54,955 --> 00:31:56,914 I mean, why wouldn't you just buy another burrito? 827 00:31:57,249 --> 00:31:58,583 Yeah, no, I know. I, uh. . . 828 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,334 I don't know what I could have been thinking. 829 00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,421 Maybe he was high on the hashish. 830 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,089 (LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) 831 00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:07,008 Hey, how about I get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy? 832 00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:08,426 20's my limit. 833 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,052 No! No, no. 834 00:32:10,137 --> 00:32:12,888 But, uh, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right? 835 00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:14,098 ALL: Aw. 836 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:15,933 Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch. 837 00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:17,602 It's the afternoon. 838 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,605 Remember you told me you wanted to get to bed early? 839 00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,107 Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no. 840 00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:24,191 Todd's right. 841 00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:25,276 MAN: Oh, my God. 842 00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:26,986 You're right, it is him. 843 00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:28,571 You're Donny Berger. It's him. 844 00:32:28,864 --> 00:32:29,822 Do you remember that kid who got 845 00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:31,198 his teacher pregnant in Somerville? 846 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:33,034 Wait a minute, that is you. 847 00:32:33,118 --> 00:32:34,410 Donny Berger. 848 00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:36,537 Didn't you and your teacher have a kid? 849 00:32:36,622 --> 00:32:38,039 Wait a minute. What was his name? 850 00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:39,874 Indiana Jones, huh? 851 00:32:40,042 --> 00:32:42,043 It was something fantastic like that. 852 00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:43,419 Yeah, Han Solo Berger. 853 00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,713 Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo. What ever happened to him? 854 00:32:46,048 --> 00:32:47,131 Uh, what happened to him? 855 00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,883 He, uh, actually became a dick. 856 00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:52,803 A private eye, I mean. Ah. 857 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:55,681 One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world. 858 00:32:56,266 --> 00:32:57,391 Okay. 859 00:32:57,601 --> 00:32:59,393 Hey, look, this might seem weird, 860 00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:00,728 but do you think you would ever. . . 861 00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:03,314 Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to. 862 00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,107 She's a hot little number. 863 00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:07,151 Well, you know, I was just 864 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:08,861 going to ask you for an autograph, but. . . 865 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,697 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. On her tits or. . . 866 00:33:12,157 --> 00:33:13,324 Or a piece of paper would be fine. 867 00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:14,408 Yeah, or a photo. 868 00:33:14,785 --> 00:33:16,077 Okay, well, this has been fun. 869 00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:18,371 But, Donny. . . Uh, not to toot my own horn, 870 00:33:18,455 --> 00:33:20,122 but I got kind of close once. 871 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:22,541 Uh, Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry. 872 00:33:22,626 --> 00:33:23,959 And I think she would have done it, too. 873 00:33:24,044 --> 00:33:25,795 I just. . . I just didn't know how to make the move. 874 00:33:26,088 --> 00:33:27,505 You know what? I would have killed 875 00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:30,341 to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn. 876 00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:33,177 I used to dream of. . . of dissecting her with my penis. 877 00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:34,845 (LAUGHING) It's so weird 878 00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:37,098 what goes on upstairs when you hit puberty. 879 00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:41,894 I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses 880 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:43,771 to wear while I masturbated. 881 00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:44,897 (ALL GASPING) 882 00:33:44,981 --> 00:33:45,981 What is that about? 883 00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,651 In my day, when I got into trouble, 884 00:33:48,944 --> 00:33:51,821 the headmaster would slap your hand with his dick. 885 00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:54,448 She wins. 886 00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:58,536 You know, Todd was working at the cubicle 887 00:33:58,620 --> 00:34:01,997 next to mine one year, 1 2 weeks and one day ago 888 00:34:02,082 --> 00:34:04,417 when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie. 889 00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,086 How many days is that, Todd? 890 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:08,671 Computing, Steve. 891 00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:09,922 Beep boop beep boop beep. 892 00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,257 451 . 893 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,175 Ooh. (PEOPLE GASPING) 894 00:34:13,635 --> 00:34:15,678 It's actually 450. 895 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:17,638 Oh, battle of the brainiacs! 896 00:34:17,973 --> 00:34:20,266 Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess. 897 00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:22,059 (LAUGHTER) 898 00:34:22,519 --> 00:34:23,811 WOMAN: He's smarter than Todd ! 899 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:27,481 Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers, but let's get back to love. 900 00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,066 What's the matter, hot stuff? 901 00:34:29,151 --> 00:34:30,192 Where do you think you get it from? 902 00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:31,485 Your mother was a math teacher, 903 00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:33,362 and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself. 904 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:36,031 The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup 905 00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:37,450 doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny. 906 00:34:38,410 --> 00:34:40,035 Leap year, motherfucker. 907 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:43,414 I think it's kind of a magical moment. 908 00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:45,207 You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, 909 00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:47,084 miraculously appearing like this. 910 00:34:47,169 --> 00:34:48,169 What? 911 00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:51,839 So I am graciously going to step aside and allow Donny 912 00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:53,841 to take over as the best man. 913 00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:54,967 Give it up for Donny! 914 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,427 Oh, no, no, no. (MUSIC PLAYS) 915 00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:58,095 Phil, you don't have to do that. 916 00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,306 No music. No, no, no, no. 917 00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,683 Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you. . . 918 00:35:02,893 --> 00:35:04,477 that's so nice of you, but you don't have to do that. 919 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,854 Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close. 920 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,022 We are. We are very close, 921 00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:09,273 but you and I are close, too. 922 00:35:09,691 --> 00:35:13,027 Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close. 923 00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:15,279 I mean, I was actually kind of surprised 924 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,364 when you asked me to be your best man. 925 00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:19,074 Made me feel a little sorry for you. 926 00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:20,534 (LAUGHTER) That's true. 927 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:21,786 He had no idea who he was. 928 00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:23,120 Ah, no. . . 929 00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:25,372 I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor. 930 00:35:25,499 --> 00:35:26,749 MAN: Way to go, Donny! DONNY: Are you kidding me? 931 00:35:27,209 --> 00:35:29,293 You got Fenway Park in your backyard? 932 00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:31,587 Oh, I had that built when my son started Little League. 933 00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:32,713 He never used it. 934 00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,508 The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae. 935 00:35:35,801 --> 00:35:38,093 Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers. 936 00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:39,637 What do you say? Come on ! 937 00:35:39,721 --> 00:35:40,721 (EXCITED CHATTER) 938 00:35:41,932 --> 00:35:44,433 No, no, no. Please, don't let this be happening. 939 00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:46,477 Don't let this be happening, please. 940 00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:47,603 (PANTING) 941 00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:48,771 No sports. 942 00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:51,190 All right, guys, let's see what we got out there. 943 00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:54,068 Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. 944 00:35:54,694 --> 00:35:56,070 (CHEERING) DONNY: Get under it, kid. 945 00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,408 WOMAN: Yeah ! 946 00:36:02,244 --> 00:36:04,286 Oh. Moron. 947 00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,330 Here we go! Taking down two there! 948 00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:08,290 All right, Gerald, kid ! Here we go, guy! 949 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:09,875 Stay on it! 950 00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:12,503 Oh, my God ! 951 00:36:14,214 --> 00:36:17,091 Grandma, what's up, honey? Are you awake, sweetheart? 952 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,384 Here we go. 953 00:36:18,969 --> 00:36:21,053 Get under it! Get dirty! 954 00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:22,513 What the fuck? 955 00:36:23,974 --> 00:36:26,141 Got it. Nice catch, Mama! 956 00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,310 Let's let Todd-o get this one, huh? 957 00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:30,104 Oh, no, that's okay. 958 00:36:30,355 --> 00:36:31,605 Todd, come on ! 959 00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:33,566 No, no. Uh, hit one to that two-year-old. 960 00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,025 He hasn't gotten one yet. 961 00:36:35,110 --> 00:36:36,360 Here you go, big man. 962 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:40,030 What? Quit showing off 963 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:41,907 for the girls, buddy. They're mine. 964 00:36:41,992 --> 00:36:43,200 (DONNY LAUGHING) 965 00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:44,743 Come on, now. 966 00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:49,498 You got it. You got it. 967 00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:50,583 ALL: Oh ! 968 00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:52,126 (LAUGHING) 969 00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,962 Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy? 970 00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:56,255 Don't hit it to me. 971 00:36:56,381 --> 00:36:57,464 Coming to you, homie. 972 00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:02,261 (GROANS) 973 00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:04,096 ALL: Oh ! (THUDDING) 974 00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:05,222 Holy shit. 975 00:37:06,308 --> 00:37:08,142 (WHEEZING) 976 00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:10,477 Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy? 977 00:37:11,563 --> 00:37:12,563 (GROANING) 978 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:14,023 Come on. You're fine. 979 00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:15,566 Throw it in there, guy. 980 00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:17,484 I think the ball's broken. 981 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:19,194 Throw it in, Todd. 982 00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:20,404 Todd, throw the ball. 983 00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:22,156 Come on, Todd ! 984 00:37:22,324 --> 00:37:24,158 Throw it, you big vagina. Do it. 985 00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:26,076 DONNY: Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy. 986 00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:27,244 We need a ball, kid. 987 00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:28,370 PHIL: Just throw it. 988 00:37:28,455 --> 00:37:29,496 JAMIE: Such a pussy. 989 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:31,081 WOMAN: Oh ! 990 00:37:31,166 --> 00:37:32,791 DONNY: Oh ! On a rope! 991 00:37:32,876 --> 00:37:34,168 Holy fuck! 992 00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:38,589 ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to 993 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,383 The Donny Berger Story, starring lan Ziering. 994 00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:42,760 DONNY: (ON PHONE) Yo! Donny. 995 00:37:43,011 --> 00:37:44,929 I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec. GIRLS: Yeah. 996 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,847 Fucking. . . Here. 997 00:37:46,932 --> 00:37:48,307 Who'll take the cigar? Oh, no. 998 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:49,433 Donny. Keep that lit for me. 999 00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,684 Take my fucking shades. 1000 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:52,019 Wear them if you want. Yeah ! 1001 00:37:52,103 --> 00:37:53,270 All right. So, hang on. 1002 00:37:53,355 --> 00:37:54,313 GIRL 1 : I want to wear them. 1003 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,522 I'll be back. 1004 00:37:55,607 --> 00:37:56,774 GIRL 2: Oh. 1005 00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,067 (GIRLS GASPING) 1006 00:37:58,151 --> 00:37:59,234 (GIRLS GIGGLING) 1007 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:00,945 DONNY: All right. 1008 00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,029 My goodness! 1009 00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:03,447 Yeah, what's going on? 1010 00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:05,157 Guess what's on TV? 1011 00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:07,242 Hey, there, little buddy. 1012 00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:08,994 l'm Mr. Mitty. 1013 00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:13,040 l will always love you. 1014 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,292 What is that, The Donny Berger Story? 1015 00:38:15,377 --> 00:38:16,377 CHAMPALE: HeII, yeah. 1016 00:38:16,586 --> 00:38:18,671 Don't you get money every time that shit is shown? 1017 00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:20,714 This could be your "get out of jail free" card. 1018 00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:23,884 Last check I got for that was 85 cents. 1019 00:38:24,219 --> 00:38:26,553 Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with you? 1020 00:38:26,805 --> 00:38:30,349 You know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet. 1021 00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,394 I am actually just trying to be a dad right now. 1022 00:38:33,895 --> 00:38:35,437 You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday. 1023 00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:37,231 You have got to get that money somehow. 1024 00:38:39,192 --> 00:38:40,275 Kenny, what the fuck? 1025 00:38:40,402 --> 00:38:41,944 I thought this was a bathroom ! 1026 00:38:42,028 --> 00:38:43,070 Fuck you ! 1027 00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:45,114 Honk! Oh, nobody squeezes my titty 1028 00:38:45,198 --> 00:38:46,365 for free, honey! 1029 00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:48,158 Okay, good luck with that. 1030 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,160 JAMIE: God, you're such an idiot! 1031 00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:52,287 Todd, you already messed up my flowers! 1032 00:38:52,747 --> 00:38:54,581 TODD: I'm sorry. Just get the cake! 1033 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,084 No walnuts! No fucking excuses! 1034 00:38:57,502 --> 00:38:59,253 I love you ! Do you love me? 1035 00:38:59,671 --> 00:39:00,713 (JAMIE GROANS) 1036 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:01,922 What? 1037 00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:03,549 (SHOWER RUNNING) (KNOCK ON DOOR) 1038 00:39:03,633 --> 00:39:05,509 "You screwed up my cake! 1039 00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:06,760 "You screwed up my cake!" 1040 00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,012 (CHUCKLES) TODD: What? 1041 00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:09,596 It's me, it's me. Can I come in? 1042 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:11,181 Yeah, sure. What's up, buddy? 1043 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,183 What was she yelling at? What'd you do wrong? 1044 00:39:13,268 --> 00:39:14,309 (LAUGHS) 1045 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,603 Oh, she's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding. 1046 00:39:16,730 --> 00:39:18,063 Oh, really? 1047 00:39:18,148 --> 00:39:19,356 You sure she's not stressed out 1048 00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:20,607 about maybe sex or something? 1049 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,443 Have you, have you been going down on her? 1050 00:39:22,944 --> 00:39:24,361 What? No, I'm just saying, 1051 00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,530 a lot of times girls I've met over the years, 1052 00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:28,824 when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit, 1053 00:39:28,908 --> 00:39:31,326 if I kiss their pussies they kind of go, 1054 00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:33,537 "Ah, you're right, you're a good guy." 1055 00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:36,040 Yeah, that's personal, Donny. 1056 00:39:36,249 --> 00:39:38,042 Yeah, no, no. You know her better than me, fine. 1057 00:39:38,293 --> 00:39:39,752 Mmm. So, uh. . . 1058 00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,172 You wear a bathing suit in the shower? 1059 00:39:43,590 --> 00:39:45,215 You know that's fucking nuts, right? 1060 00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:46,341 Are you serious? 1061 00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,384 I can't even take my shirt off 1062 00:39:47,469 --> 00:39:48,635 in front of other people because of you. 1063 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,096 Because of me. What did I do this time? 1064 00:39:51,473 --> 00:39:52,973 Oh, let me jog your memory. 1065 00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:55,851 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 1066 00:39:59,064 --> 00:40:00,481 The New Kids on the Block! 1067 00:40:00,857 --> 00:40:01,899 Holy shit! 1068 00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:04,109 Their heads are all warped now! 1069 00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:05,611 Oh, my God ! 1070 00:40:05,695 --> 00:40:07,905 Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade. 1071 00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,073 My body grew. 1072 00:40:09,157 --> 00:40:11,241 I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine. Let me see it again. 1073 00:40:11,367 --> 00:40:12,451 (LAUGHS) 1074 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:14,620 ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 1075 00:40:14,704 --> 00:40:16,872 ♪ You got a back tattoo 1076 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,749 ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 1077 00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,584 ♪ Their heads are fucking warped ♪ 1078 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:23,045 You suck. Come on, dude. 1079 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:24,338 Why you getting so serious? 1080 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:26,507 I still got the tattoo I got when I was, 1081 00:40:26,591 --> 00:40:29,343 when I was a teenager, and I'm fine with it, you know. 1082 00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:32,679 "De plane! 1083 00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:35,933 "De plane! De plane!" 1084 00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:38,936 Yeah, I remember it. I still don't know who that is. 1085 00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:40,938 It's fucking. . . 1086 00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:43,232 "De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy lsland. 1087 00:40:43,316 --> 00:40:44,316 Tattoo. 1088 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,360 I got a tattoo of Tattoo. I thought that was funny. 1089 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:47,820 Well, it's not. 1090 00:40:48,113 --> 00:40:49,404 Lighten up, dude. Come on. 1091 00:40:49,489 --> 00:40:50,864 "De plane!" Don't. Donny, don't. 1092 00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:52,407 I'm serious. "De plane!" 1093 00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:53,492 No. You're still ticklish. 1094 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,160 No, I'm not ticklish ! (LAUGHS) 1095 00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:56,870 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1096 00:40:58,039 --> 00:40:59,456 Come on, now! Oh, the tickle monster. 1097 00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:01,750 Oh, I tickle you like that. No. 1098 00:41:01,835 --> 00:41:02,960 Stop! No, stop it! 1099 00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:04,628 Watch yourself. (BOTH LAUGHING) 1100 00:41:04,838 --> 00:41:06,630 Stop it! Stop it, no! 1101 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:08,924 Give me that, Hansie. 1102 00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,884 Why is your dick in my face? 1103 00:41:10,969 --> 00:41:12,678 And why is it kind of hard? 1104 00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:15,264 What are you two homos doing? 1105 00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,061 Just rasslin'. 1106 00:41:21,771 --> 00:41:22,813 All right. 1107 00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:24,064 'Cause you're looking at an all-state 1108 00:41:24,149 --> 00:41:26,233 fucking wrestling champion, and I got the winner. 1109 00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:27,609 Okay. Well, he won. 1110 00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,111 No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You won. 1111 00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:30,195 What? No, I didn't. 1112 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,989 You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him. 1113 00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,574 Yeah, Chad. No, no. 1114 00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:35,033 It's actually a funny story. 1115 00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,243 We were having a tickle fight. 1116 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,327 We weren't wrestling at all. 1117 00:41:37,412 --> 00:41:39,204 I was losing, admittedly. 1118 00:41:39,289 --> 00:41:40,289 DONNY: Aw, God, I got to 1119 00:41:40,373 --> 00:41:41,874 start doing some crunches or something. 1120 00:41:41,958 --> 00:41:43,083 Look at this. 1121 00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:44,293 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 1122 00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:46,086 Oh, you don't like him? 1123 00:41:46,254 --> 00:41:47,713 Oh, we don't like you. 1124 00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:50,257 (CHUCKLES) He's talking to his dick, buddy. 1125 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:52,009 (GRUNTS) 1126 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:53,135 Now he's hitting it. 1127 00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:54,928 (GRUNTS) No! Why? 1128 00:41:55,096 --> 00:41:57,639 (CHUCKLES) Oh ! You got to puff that fucker up! 1129 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,099 Oh, what? No. 1130 00:41:59,184 --> 00:42:01,143 You don't have to puff that fucker up. 1131 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:02,436 Let's do this. 1132 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,479 Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic. . . Okay! 1133 00:42:04,564 --> 00:42:05,731 Okay! 1134 00:42:06,024 --> 00:42:07,900 I tap out. You win, you win. I tap out. 1135 00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,027 Do you like fucking my sister, Todd? 1136 00:42:11,112 --> 00:42:13,697 I mean, do you like sticking your dirty booger fingers in her? 1137 00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:14,781 (BACK CRACKS) 1138 00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:15,866 Whoa, what was that? 1139 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,576 Let's all just keep our heads, okay? 1140 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:18,952 We've all been drinking a lot tonight. 1141 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,996 I'm gonna skull-fuck you. . . (BOTTLE CLANKS) 1142 00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,751 And that is the end of that. 1143 00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,002 (CHUCKLES) 1144 00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:28,212 (CLEARS THROAT) 1145 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:30,172 What, you're mad at me? 1146 00:42:30,715 --> 00:42:32,591 How am I the fucking bad guy right now? 1147 00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:34,718 Oh, you're gonna fucking give me shit 1148 00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:36,011 with that tattoo on your back? 1149 00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,055 (LAUGHS) Look at that stupid fucking thing. 1150 00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:39,765 Good buddy, he'll be fine. 1151 00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:42,935 Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound. 1152 00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:44,978 JAMIE: I never heard of him passing out drunk before. 1153 00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:46,230 Yeah, it was crazy. It was like, 1154 00:42:46,314 --> 00:42:48,523 one second, he was with us, totally awake. 1155 00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,317 Next thing you know, he's face down, 1156 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:51,985 birds a-chirpin'. 1157 00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,322 What do you think? (CHUCKLES) 1158 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,032 You look amazing. 1159 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:58,909 Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck for me 1160 00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:00,452 to see the dress before the wedding, though? 1161 00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:03,038 This is a $1 2,000 Vera Wang dress. 1162 00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:04,331 I'm gonna wear it whenever I want. 1163 00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:08,043 You'd look hot in a $1 2 Wang Chung dress. 1164 00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,337 That sounds like a line Donny would say. 1165 00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:11,755 Yeah, except he'd say, 1166 00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:15,008 "You'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress." 1167 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:18,303 Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something, you know? 1168 00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,013 Yeah. That's probably why his son ran off. 1169 00:43:20,348 --> 00:43:21,682 His what? What? Who? His son about. . . 1170 00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:23,475 What'd he say? What did you hear? Did he say something? 1171 00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:26,353 Just look at the first page of that book he's been handing out to everyone. 1172 00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:28,063 He has? What? No. 1173 00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,066 Head in the Class? 1174 00:43:31,985 --> 00:43:35,112 He said, it's like Head of the Class, only with blow jobs. 1175 00:43:35,822 --> 00:43:37,072 It's gross. 1176 00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:39,157 Yeah, it's gross. Blow jobs are gross. 1177 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:40,367 We don't do those. 1178 00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:42,911 "Dear Jamie, I know you'll make Todd very happy 1179 00:43:42,996 --> 00:43:44,246 "if you bleach your little brown eye." 1180 00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:46,123 Oh, no, not this part. 1181 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:57,843 Wow, that's sad. 1182 00:43:59,512 --> 00:44:00,721 (SIGHS) 1183 00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:03,724 That weirdly got me. (CHUCKLES) 1184 00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:06,935 I don't know why it got me, but it just got me. 1185 00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,438 (SIGHS) 1186 00:44:09,522 --> 00:44:10,772 Can I get a hug right now, or. . . 1187 00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:13,191 No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress. 1188 00:44:13,276 --> 00:44:15,152 Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress, 1189 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:17,112 may I suggest we just remove it? 1190 00:44:17,322 --> 00:44:18,488 Did you take two Xanax? 1191 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:20,949 I actually took three Xanax. 1192 00:44:21,034 --> 00:44:23,243 And you know that the Xanax makes me 1193 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,663 ♪ "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y" 1194 00:44:26,748 --> 00:44:28,498 ♪ So horny for my fiancee ♪ No! 1195 00:44:28,791 --> 00:44:29,916 Down. 1196 00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:32,419 I don't want to have sex with my family in the house. 1197 00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:33,712 No, I know. 1198 00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:36,173 I don't want to have sex with your family, either. 1199 00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:37,507 In the house. 1200 00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:39,343 Came out weird. 1201 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:42,804 Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it 1202 00:44:42,889 --> 00:44:45,557 without having a roommate watching me, so. . . 1203 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,434 What do we got to work with here? 1204 00:44:52,774 --> 00:44:54,274 Rich people magazines. 1205 00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:57,944 Eh, let's see what we got. 1206 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:02,366 If I hadn't partied with her husband 1207 00:45:02,450 --> 00:45:04,076 so many times, I would. 1208 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:05,994 But it's disrespectful to him. 1209 00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:08,372 I don't know. 1210 00:45:12,460 --> 00:45:13,502 Hello. 1211 00:45:14,337 --> 00:45:18,006 Jeezum crow, you really were a model, weren't you, Grandma? 1212 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:22,344 Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew 1213 00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:24,137 how to pick them, didn't he? 1214 00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:27,349 I love that old-time bathing suit. 1215 00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:31,311 I could take you to the speakeasy, and we could, 1216 00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:33,647 we could do the naked Charleston. 1217 00:45:34,315 --> 00:45:37,401 I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis, 1218 00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:39,694 so you better give me something to remember. 1219 00:45:39,946 --> 00:45:40,987 (CHUCKLES) 1220 00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:42,531 What's that? 1221 00:45:43,324 --> 00:45:44,324 Oh, my God. 1222 00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:48,328 Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too. 1223 00:45:49,122 --> 00:45:50,414 Should we let her? 1224 00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:52,749 I think we should. (CHUCKLES) 1225 00:45:53,084 --> 00:45:54,251 Oh, my God. 1226 00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:55,961 (MOANS) 1227 00:45:56,087 --> 00:45:57,671 Why do I like her better right now? 1228 00:45:58,339 --> 00:45:59,589 Oh, you bad. . . 1229 00:45:59,674 --> 00:46:01,341 (GROANS) What have you done to me? 1230 00:46:01,426 --> 00:46:03,260 What have you done to me? 1231 00:46:03,344 --> 00:46:04,678 (LAUGHS) 1232 00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:07,472 We got to go for round two, 1233 00:46:07,557 --> 00:46:09,349 but give me a little bit of time. 1234 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,018 Give me a little bit of time. 1235 00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:16,731 Oh, lovely. 1236 00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:18,692 Just lovely. 1237 00:46:26,242 --> 00:46:27,617 Oh, goodness. 1238 00:46:33,708 --> 00:46:34,916 Oh, my word. 1239 00:46:39,005 --> 00:46:40,797 TODD: Best man, wedding rehearsal 1240 00:46:40,882 --> 00:46:42,048 in an hour. 1241 00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:45,051 There's so many tissues. 1242 00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:46,678 Oh. . . 1243 00:46:47,722 --> 00:46:49,097 Oh, oh ! 1244 00:46:49,390 --> 00:46:51,266 Oh, God. You know, don't touch those, okay? Let's. . . 1245 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:53,226 (GROANS) Okay. 1246 00:46:53,394 --> 00:46:54,936 I'm gonna just clean that up. 1247 00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:56,480 Yeah, Donny's sick. 1248 00:46:56,981 --> 00:46:58,773 You don't want to touch these 'cause you'll get sick. 1249 00:46:59,025 --> 00:47:01,067 He's got post-nasal drip, so. . . 1250 00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:02,944 (GRUNTING) 1251 00:47:05,907 --> 00:47:06,948 (SOBBING) 1252 00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,074 (RETCHES) 1253 00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:10,619 The tissue's stuck to my picture. 1254 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:11,912 Here, let me. 1255 00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:13,830 Yuck! (GROANS) 1256 00:47:13,915 --> 00:47:15,248 I'll grab that from you. I got it. 1257 00:47:16,417 --> 00:47:19,002 Oh, look at that! There's a little tissue beard there. 1258 00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:21,213 No, don't touch it, please. Don't worry about it. 1259 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:22,756 Oh, that poor dear. 1260 00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:25,217 I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice. 1261 00:47:25,635 --> 00:47:27,135 Mmm-hmm. Juice. That's a great idea. 1262 00:47:27,220 --> 00:47:28,762 Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks. 1263 00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:32,766 You know, hon, if he's really under the weather, 1264 00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:36,019 maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much. 1265 00:47:37,688 --> 00:47:38,980 That's good advice. 1266 00:47:39,065 --> 00:47:40,607 I'll tell him that, thank you. 1267 00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,988 Okay, you can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot. 1268 00:47:47,448 --> 00:47:49,950 The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she? 1269 00:47:50,034 --> 00:47:51,034 (LAUGHS) 1270 00:47:51,327 --> 00:47:52,369 That's so funny. 1271 00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:55,789 But your improvs were awesome. "Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said. 1272 00:47:55,998 --> 00:48:00,252 You know, I can't believe your balls produce that much stuff. 1273 00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:02,337 Dude, at least I got balls. 1274 00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:03,838 What's that supposed to mean? 1275 00:48:03,923 --> 00:48:04,923 (LAUGHS) 1276 00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:06,216 Let me just crack open 1277 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,176 some happiness first, yeah. 1278 00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:10,887 All I'm saying is the Chad thing, 1279 00:48:10,972 --> 00:48:12,806 when that dude came at you last night, 1280 00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:14,933 you kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights. 1281 00:48:15,017 --> 00:48:16,560 (WATER RUNNING) Your whole aura 1282 00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:18,270 is actually that of a pussy. 1283 00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,563 Or a kiss-ass. 1284 00:48:19,647 --> 00:48:20,647 It is not. 1285 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:23,066 It is, too. 1286 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,277 What the fuck am I doing? 1287 00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:27,404 No, I'm just saying you got to stand up for yourself 1288 00:48:30,366 --> 00:48:32,951 I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time. 1289 00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,661 All right? She bangs. 1290 00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:37,789 Does she live the la vida loca, too, or. . . 1291 00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:39,374 Very funny. 1292 00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,167 (WOMEN SQUEALING) 1293 00:48:44,338 --> 00:48:45,380 Well, good day, everyone. 1294 00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,548 GERALD: Father. 1295 00:48:46,632 --> 00:48:48,883 Father McNally, thank you so much for coming out to the Cape. 1296 00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:50,093 My honor. 1297 00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,303 Very cool. 1298 00:48:51,387 --> 00:48:52,387 Oh, yes. 1299 00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:54,014 Chad. 1300 00:48:54,974 --> 00:48:56,600 You'll excuse me, won't you? 1301 00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,227 While you're in this church, you'll show the proper respect. 1302 00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:01,646 No e-mailing, no texting, 1303 00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:06,276 no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds. 1304 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,236 (CHUCKLES) Oh, that one hurts. 1305 00:49:08,321 --> 00:49:09,529 (LAUGHTER) No, no. 1306 00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:10,864 I get it. 1307 00:49:11,324 --> 00:49:12,866 It's the 201 0s. 1308 00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:15,201 Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes. 1309 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:16,953 No, Father. (CHUCKLES) 1310 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:20,040 But, you see, this is my world. 1311 00:49:21,042 --> 00:49:23,043 We'll abide by my rules while we're here. 1312 00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:26,212 Maybe we should start 1313 00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:27,339 with the, uh, the father of the groom. 1314 00:49:27,757 --> 00:49:29,132 Oh, uh, uh. . . 1315 00:49:30,217 --> 00:49:31,551 his father passed away. 1316 00:49:31,844 --> 00:49:33,511 He died in an explosion. 1317 00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:37,140 Sounds fishy, but. . . it really happened. 1318 00:49:38,434 --> 00:49:39,434 Yep. 1319 00:49:41,020 --> 00:49:42,771 I'm. . . I'm truly sorry to hear that, son. 1320 00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:45,231 Oh, thank you, but, uh, it's fine. 1321 00:49:45,941 --> 00:49:46,983 He deserved it. 1322 00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:48,360 So. . . 1323 00:49:48,736 --> 00:49:50,111 What is that supposed to mean? 1324 00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:52,322 Oh, I didn't mean anything by it. 1325 00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:54,532 He just, you know, wasn't a great dad. 1326 00:50:04,377 --> 00:50:06,753 So your father, he. . . he abused you, did he? 1327 00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:08,755 Oh, no, nothing like that. 1328 00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:10,256 Was he a murderer? 1329 00:50:10,341 --> 00:50:11,341 Rapist? 1330 00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:14,260 No. Father, I'm sorry, I. . . 1331 00:50:14,345 --> 00:50:18,264 My father beat me every day with a rake. 1332 00:50:19,392 --> 00:50:20,392 But you don't hear me 1333 00:50:20,476 --> 00:50:23,186 smack-talking him like some baby little princess. 1334 00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:25,021 Not here in the house of the Lord. 1335 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:39,160 You know, I can't hear a word you're saying. 1336 00:50:41,706 --> 00:50:44,374 All I can focus on is your shit breath. 1337 00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:52,882 I'd, um, I'd like to show you the garden for a minute. 1338 00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:55,969 (CHUCKLING) Oh. . . 1339 00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:01,474 Now, then. 1340 00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:02,892 Okay, you know what? Let's just. . . 1341 00:51:03,394 --> 00:51:04,477 (PEOPLE GASP) 1342 00:51:05,229 --> 00:51:06,479 (LAUGHS) 1343 00:51:07,732 --> 00:51:08,773 (PEOPLE MURMURING) 1344 00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:09,899 Fucking old guy's got 1345 00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:11,276 a cannon on him. What happened? 1346 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,528 DONNY: What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown. 1347 00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,405 Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now. 1348 00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:17,031 Oh, my God. And, he's pretty ripped 1349 00:51:17,116 --> 00:51:19,159 for an old fuck, so we're in trouble right now. 1350 00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:20,827 What is going on here? 1351 00:51:20,953 --> 00:51:22,078 All right, all right. 1352 00:51:22,163 --> 00:51:23,204 Go time, go time. 1353 00:51:23,289 --> 00:51:24,414 PHIL: Oh, no, think about what you're doing ! 1354 00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:25,498 Be careful. 1355 00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:27,417 (SCREAMS) He bit me! 1356 00:51:27,668 --> 00:51:28,835 Did you see that? That was amazing ! 1357 00:51:28,961 --> 00:51:29,961 This could get ugly. 1358 00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:32,172 The Father actually killed a guy in the ring. 1359 00:51:32,256 --> 00:51:33,548 That's why he became a priest. 1360 00:51:33,632 --> 00:51:34,632 Oh. 1361 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:35,759 Just keep your hands up, kid ! 1362 00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:36,843 Get 'em down ! 1363 00:51:36,927 --> 00:51:37,927 Hang in there, guy! 1364 00:51:38,012 --> 00:51:39,095 (GRUNTING) 1365 00:51:39,180 --> 00:51:40,513 He keeps punching him ! 1366 00:51:42,725 --> 00:51:43,892 Aw, come on, guy. Oh. 1367 00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:46,853 That's my boy! 1368 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,022 Why, you came right back with your own shit. 1369 00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:50,106 Nice, kid. 1370 00:51:50,191 --> 00:51:52,025 (SPEAKING IN TONGUES) 1371 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:54,652 What the fuck is that? 1372 00:51:54,737 --> 00:51:56,946 Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now. 1373 00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:59,324 (SHOUTING IN TONGUES) 1374 00:52:00,159 --> 00:52:01,284 You know what? Maybe just run. 1375 00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:03,495 Get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go, go, go. 1376 00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:05,288 No. 1377 00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:07,165 I'm not gonna run. 1378 00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:08,708 Finish him, Father McNally! 1379 00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:09,793 Finish him ! 1380 00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:11,878 (HEAVY METAL PLAYING) 1381 00:52:19,220 --> 00:52:20,220 ♪ Here we go... ♪ 1382 00:52:20,346 --> 00:52:21,888 (BOTTLE CLANKS) (PEOPLE GASP) 1383 00:52:23,724 --> 00:52:26,142 Geez. He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh? 1384 00:52:27,436 --> 00:52:29,062 (PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY) 1385 00:52:30,397 --> 00:52:32,148 What is the matter with you? 1386 00:52:32,233 --> 00:52:34,567 You know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years. 1387 00:52:34,652 --> 00:52:36,152 30 years! 30 years. 30 years. 1388 00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,570 I ought to rip off your head ! 1389 00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:38,655 (CLAMORING) 1390 00:52:38,739 --> 00:52:39,864 (BARKING) DONNY: Gerald ! 1391 00:52:40,199 --> 00:52:41,282 I'm sorry. 1392 00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:43,952 Sorry's not gonna keep you from burning in hell, Todd. 1393 00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:45,954 Hey, this is all my fault. 1394 00:52:46,038 --> 00:52:47,831 I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle. 1395 00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:49,290 I'm, like, a moron over here. 1396 00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:51,501 No, now, Donny, I will not let you take the blame for this. 1397 00:52:51,585 --> 00:52:53,753 You had to do it. You saved his life again. 1398 00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:56,089 And you looked very sexy doing it. 1399 00:52:57,883 --> 00:53:00,260 Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar? 1400 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,220 Todd is such a loser. (PEOPLE MURMURING) 1401 00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:03,972 Here comes your girl. Here we go. 1402 00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:05,849 Jame, I'm sorry, but, look, 1403 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,433 you got to admit, I stood up for myself back there. 1404 00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:09,769 Do you have fucking rocks in your head, Todd? 1405 00:53:10,271 --> 00:53:11,271 No. 1406 00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:12,355 Well, where are we gonna get married now? 1407 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:13,773 We got kicked out of the church ! 1408 00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:15,066 Jame. . . 1409 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:16,568 What is everybody's problem? 1410 00:53:16,652 --> 00:53:18,403 You were awesome out there. You kicked ass. 1411 00:53:18,487 --> 00:53:19,529 You should be proud of yourself. 1412 00:53:19,613 --> 00:53:20,613 Proud of myself? 1413 00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:21,865 For what? 1414 00:53:21,949 --> 00:53:24,409 I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me. 1415 00:53:24,493 --> 00:53:26,911 And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy. 1416 00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:29,289 That's the last time I listen to you. 1417 00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:30,456 Aw... 1418 00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:32,917 (PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY) 1419 00:53:34,003 --> 00:53:35,086 CHAD: I'm gonna choke him out! He's an asshole! 1420 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,504 I'm gonna choke him out. 1421 00:53:36,589 --> 00:53:38,089 I'm just gonna choke him out. 1422 00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:39,465 Hey, guys, guys? 1423 00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:42,343 Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd? 1424 00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:45,054 Churches freak the kid out, 1425 00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:48,808 After the explosion, 1426 00:53:49,393 --> 00:53:51,394 all that was left of his dad 1427 00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:55,690 was, like, a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack. 1428 00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:57,400 (WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY) 1429 00:53:58,068 --> 00:53:59,694 It was supposed to be a closed casket, 1430 00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:01,946 but there was a foul-up at the mortuary, 1431 00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:03,072 and he actually saw 1432 00:54:03,157 --> 00:54:07,285 a squirrel run into the coffin and, uh, kind of. . . 1433 00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:10,455 squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth. 1434 00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:12,248 You know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so. . . 1435 00:54:12,499 --> 00:54:13,499 (GROANS) Aw... 1436 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,209 So you actually knew Todd's father? 1437 00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:17,170 Of course I knew the guy. 1438 00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,088 He was, uh, he was handsome, he had fucking great hair, 1439 00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:21,174 uh, a Jedi with the chicks. 1440 00:54:21,884 --> 00:54:24,844 Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver 1441 00:54:24,929 --> 00:54:26,554 and he wanted to see others be happy. 1442 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:28,765 Oh, I wish I could have met him. 1443 00:54:30,184 --> 00:54:31,351 Sounds like a gentleman. 1444 00:54:32,728 --> 00:54:34,437 Was he there enough for the kid? 1445 00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:35,813 No, maybe not. But, uh, 1446 00:54:36,065 --> 00:54:38,524 y-you know, he probably felt bad about it. 1447 00:54:38,901 --> 00:54:41,819 You know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so, uh. . . 1448 00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:43,988 Toddsy. 1449 00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,115 Oh, Todd. 1450 00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:47,659 I had no idea. 1451 00:54:47,826 --> 00:54:49,327 (SIGHS) Poor thing. Are you okay? 1452 00:54:49,411 --> 00:54:50,411 Yeah, yeah. 1453 00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:51,704 It's fine, but 1454 00:54:52,206 --> 00:54:54,082 sometimes I do still have nightmares. 1455 00:54:54,208 --> 00:54:55,208 Oh, boy. 1456 00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,961 That squirrel and its demonic eyes. 1457 00:54:58,963 --> 00:55:01,339 Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth. 1458 00:55:02,383 --> 00:55:04,258 One lone scraggly hair. 1459 00:55:05,219 --> 00:55:06,302 A pubic hair. 1460 00:55:07,137 --> 00:55:09,222 I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys. 1461 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,349 Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one 1462 00:55:11,433 --> 00:55:13,476 who brings these two guys together? 1463 00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:14,811 I mean, I don't think so. 1464 00:55:15,104 --> 00:55:17,271 I'm pretty tied into the church crowd, 1465 00:55:17,356 --> 00:55:19,190 Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot. 1466 00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:20,650 I could find a priest for you. 1467 00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:22,110 I mean, what type are we looking for? 1468 00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:23,444 Maybe a younger guy. 1469 00:55:23,529 --> 00:55:24,570 Younger guy. 1470 00:55:24,655 --> 00:55:25,655 How about a black guy? 1471 00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,323 Oh. Now, I like that. 1472 00:55:27,408 --> 00:55:29,283 It's very urban, very street. 1473 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:30,535 GERALD: Okay. 1474 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:32,829 But that still doesn't get us a church. 1475 00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:34,664 Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot 1476 00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:36,249 if I was these two sexy kids. 1477 00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:37,333 (NOTHlNG BUT THE BEST PLAYING) 1478 00:55:37,418 --> 00:55:39,085 ♪ l like to eat lobster 1479 00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:41,462 ♪ Directly from Maine ♪ 1480 00:55:42,631 --> 00:55:44,882 Oh, Donny, this is just such a great idea. 1481 00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:46,384 Thanks. Don't you love the pergola? 1482 00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:47,677 They're gorgeous! 1483 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:50,638 You know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch. 1484 00:55:50,723 --> 00:55:51,806 Oh, you know, you're right. 1485 00:55:51,890 --> 00:55:54,809 Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there. 1486 00:55:54,935 --> 00:55:56,185 Calling all ladies! 1487 00:55:56,270 --> 00:55:58,229 The bus for the bachelorette party is here! Come on ! 1488 00:55:58,939 --> 00:56:01,274 Honey, you guys have fun at the bachelor party! 1489 00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:02,525 Okay. 1490 00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:04,318 Don't get too crazy. Know your limits. 1491 00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:06,112 Okay. 1492 00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:07,238 We're having a bachelor party? 1493 00:56:07,531 --> 00:56:08,990 That's, like, my thing, man. 1494 00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:10,533 Hookers, blow, 1495 00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:11,701 balloons filled with piss. 1496 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:13,786 I mean, the sky's the limit, kid. 1497 00:56:14,121 --> 00:56:16,205 No, no, no. Donny, uh, w-we're all set. 1498 00:56:16,290 --> 00:56:18,791 I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight. 1499 00:56:19,126 --> 00:56:21,127 (LAUGHS) This is gonna be awesome! 1500 00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:22,295 (YELLS) 1501 00:56:22,671 --> 00:56:24,964 PHIL: I read about this place in Oprah's magazine. 1502 00:56:25,090 --> 00:56:27,008 I don't know if she writes the articles herself, 1503 00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:28,718 but there's some real good stuff in it. 1504 00:56:28,802 --> 00:56:31,637 Uh, hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please. 1505 00:56:31,930 --> 00:56:33,056 Good evening, gentlemen. 1506 00:56:33,265 --> 00:56:34,807 Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale. 1507 00:56:34,892 --> 00:56:36,350 RAVENSDALE: Phil, what a blessing. 1508 00:56:36,935 --> 00:56:39,270 Welcome to your bachelor party package 1509 00:56:39,354 --> 00:56:41,147 here at He Time Spa For Men. 1510 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:43,024 Woo-hoo, motherfucker! 1511 00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:45,234 Okay. All right. (LAUGHS) 1512 00:56:45,319 --> 00:56:47,528 We're gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, 1513 00:56:47,613 --> 00:56:49,655 and then we have a wonderful full evening planned 1514 00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,949 with massage, facial and nail treatments, 1515 00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:54,577 and then we're going to send you home 1516 00:56:54,661 --> 00:56:59,332 with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub. 1517 00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:03,086 Uh, Confucius say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" 1518 00:57:04,004 --> 00:57:05,004 No, Donny, 1519 00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:07,465 uh, Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding 1520 00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:10,093 for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow. 1521 00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:13,221 My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week 1522 00:57:13,305 --> 00:57:14,764 with the preschool applications, 1523 00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:16,599 and I am ready to be pampered ! 1524 00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:18,101 (MEN CHUCKLE) 1525 00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:21,479 All right, all right. Now we're talking. 1526 00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:23,439 Hey, thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? 1527 00:57:23,524 --> 00:57:24,941 Jessica. All right. Yeah. 1528 00:57:25,025 --> 00:57:26,442 Hey, come on. Here's to the kid. 1529 00:57:26,527 --> 00:57:29,320 He's fucking getting all fucked up, ah, tonight! 1530 00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:30,446 Last night! 1531 00:57:30,531 --> 00:57:32,865 Fucking last night of poontang for this kid. 1532 00:57:37,663 --> 00:57:39,163 What the fuck is this? 1533 00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:42,250 It's water infused with cucumber, 1534 00:57:42,334 --> 00:57:43,876 rose petal and harvest sandalwood. 1535 00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:47,672 It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. 1536 00:57:49,216 --> 00:57:51,467 And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz. 1537 00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:54,303 Wait a minute. What are we drinking 1538 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:57,098 water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil? 1539 00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,767 You got to show my son your tits later. 1540 00:57:59,852 --> 00:58:01,936 Promise me. Promise me. 1541 00:58:05,149 --> 00:58:07,150 That's. . . that's nice. Yeah, good. 1542 00:58:07,568 --> 00:58:08,943 This is great, sweetheart. 1543 00:58:09,570 --> 00:58:10,653 Really good. 1544 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,405 Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh? 1545 00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:14,574 That's it. 1546 00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:16,951 What's this, sir? 1547 00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:19,162 Oh, that's just a little, uh. . . (CHUCKLES) 1548 00:58:19,246 --> 00:58:21,330 tip, you know, if you give me a full package. 1549 00:58:21,748 --> 00:58:24,625 Oh, okay. That's a $1 50 additional charge. 1550 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:26,669 You're talking to the wrong guy. 1551 00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:27,837 That's a little out of my price range. 1552 00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:30,715 It includes scalp treatment, reflexology. 1553 00:58:30,799 --> 00:58:32,675 How much is it to tickle my pickle? 1554 00:58:33,260 --> 00:58:36,304 To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? 1555 00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:39,432 Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. 1556 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,809 I just want you to just jerk it a little bit. 1557 00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:44,645 Donny, this isn't a brothel. 1558 00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:46,814 Then I'm completely confused 1559 00:58:46,899 --> 00:58:48,941 what the fuck we're doing here right now! 1560 00:58:49,276 --> 00:58:51,444 So, what, you're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us? 1561 00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:53,237 I don't know. Am I? 1562 00:58:55,199 --> 00:58:56,616 I guess not! 1563 00:58:57,159 --> 00:59:00,161 You know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don, 1564 00:59:00,746 --> 00:59:02,371 and you're being just plain rude. 1565 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:04,749 Phil, no! Phil ! No, no. Don't do this. 1566 00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:06,292 (MEN SIGHING) 1567 00:59:07,669 --> 00:59:10,004 Nice. That's nice. 1568 00:59:10,422 --> 00:59:13,466 Oh, that's good. That's good. 1569 00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,676 (CHUCKLES) It tickles. 1570 00:59:15,761 --> 00:59:17,511 Just fight through it, man. It's worth it. 1571 00:59:17,596 --> 00:59:20,223 If you stop, I swear I will kill you. 1572 00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,939 You know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes, 1573 00:59:28,023 --> 00:59:29,315 I'm going to strangle this motherfucker. 1574 00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,317 You should be ashamed of yourself 1575 00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:33,319 for fucking arranging this bullshit! 1576 00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:35,363 Well, I feel very relaxed, 1577 00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:37,698 and I think this was a good use of a Groupon. 1578 00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:39,533 You fucked us, buddy! 1579 00:59:40,202 --> 00:59:42,745 Five more minutes till you get to choose amongst four 1580 00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:45,164 artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen. 1581 00:59:45,707 --> 00:59:47,041 PHIL: Oh. . . (LAUGHTER) 1582 00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:48,751 We can't let tonight end like this, boys. 1583 00:59:48,835 --> 00:59:49,877 We got to go out. 1584 00:59:49,962 --> 00:59:52,088 I'm telling you, I can't let my son have a. . . 1585 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:55,800 my son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this. 1586 00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:59,011 You fucking. . . you guys got your face covered in leprechaun shit. 1587 00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:01,264 We should be getting whacked off. . . 1588 01:00:01,348 --> 01:00:03,349 all of us. . . as a fucking team ! 1589 01:00:04,184 --> 01:00:07,186 Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night. 1590 01:00:07,604 --> 01:00:10,481 Besides, it's not like you can throw together a whole other party this late. 1591 01:00:10,565 --> 01:00:12,275 I could have six chicks making out 1592 01:00:12,359 --> 01:00:14,568 with each other on our laps in ten minutes. 1593 01:00:15,404 --> 01:00:16,737 I could stay out a little later. 1594 01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:18,447 Bam ! 1595 01:00:18,907 --> 01:00:21,575 (IN SING-SONG TONE) We gonna get our dicks sucked. 1596 01:00:22,577 --> 01:00:23,661 There it is. (LAUGHTER) 1597 01:00:23,745 --> 01:00:26,205 Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale, you want to whip them knockers out? 1598 01:00:26,290 --> 01:00:27,290 We'd love to see them. 1599 01:00:27,416 --> 01:00:28,416 All right, you know what? 1600 01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:31,502 You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, 1601 01:00:31,586 --> 01:00:34,130 caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, 1602 01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:36,674 obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole 1603 01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:39,552 who I would like to fuck hard and long ! 1604 01:00:40,929 --> 01:00:42,305 So, I'm going to go put a dent in that. 1605 01:00:42,389 --> 01:00:44,015 You guys get that green jizz off your face. 1606 01:00:44,099 --> 01:00:45,141 I'll be back in 20. 1607 01:00:45,559 --> 01:00:46,559 We're going out, boys! 1608 01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:49,145 Hey, this is the shit, this place. . . I'm telling you. 1609 01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:51,272 The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets. 1610 01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,481 You have to eat one. All right. 1611 01:00:52,566 --> 01:00:54,567 Donny! Yeah, this is who I was telling you about! 1612 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,152 What's up? Give me that. I'm so happy to see you. 1613 01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:58,070 You look so fucking cute! I know, right? 1614 01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:01,949 Oh, and you brought a military man. 1615 01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:03,576 What's your name, soldier? 1616 01:01:03,910 --> 01:01:05,161 Chad Martin, private first class, 1617 01:01:05,245 --> 01:01:06,662 United States Marine Corps. 1618 01:01:06,747 --> 01:01:07,955 You think you can keep that dick 1619 01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:09,498 at attention for a couple hours? 1620 01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:11,083 (LAUGHS) That's an order! 1621 01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:13,294 Already on it. 1622 01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:15,004 (LAUGHS) Look at my man ! 1623 01:01:15,088 --> 01:01:16,172 PHIL: You guys, let me get in here 1624 01:01:16,256 --> 01:01:17,631 and introduce myself. 1625 01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:18,674 Hello. I'm Phil. 1626 01:01:18,759 --> 01:01:19,842 I'm married with four children, 1627 01:01:19,926 --> 01:01:22,845 and I have actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life: 1628 01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:24,138 my wife's, my baby's 1629 01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:27,350 and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike. 1630 01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:29,185 Well, here's number four, baby! 1631 01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:30,394 Oh ! 1632 01:01:30,896 --> 01:01:32,938 I'm going to count that as numbers four and five. 1633 01:01:33,023 --> 01:01:34,357 (LAUGHTER) 1634 01:01:34,566 --> 01:01:35,941 (GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR PLAYING) 1635 01:01:48,538 --> 01:01:52,917 ♪ l see you chillin' by the bar ♪ 1636 01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:56,712 DJ: ChampaIe wouId like to dedicate this 1637 01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:58,964 to Mr. Todd Peterson. 1638 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:00,674 (CROWD CHEERING) 1639 01:02:00,759 --> 01:02:02,301 Yeah, baby. Yeah. Here you go. 1640 01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:03,427 Oh. 1641 01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:04,762 Oh, hey. 1642 01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:05,930 Do you want any eggs? 1643 01:02:06,014 --> 01:02:07,181 Oh, no. 1644 01:02:07,265 --> 01:02:08,474 I really have to watch what I eat. 1645 01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:10,184 No fatty foods. But thank you. 1646 01:02:10,310 --> 01:02:11,477 I'm Brie. 1647 01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:12,978 I'm Todd. Nice to meet you. 1648 01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,981 Oh, I know who you are, Han Solo. 1649 01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,401 Oh. Uh, no, you can't. . . 1650 01:02:18,485 --> 01:02:20,277 Don't worry, your secret's safe. 1651 01:02:20,946 --> 01:02:21,987 (ANXIOUS LAUGH) 1652 01:02:23,323 --> 01:02:26,200 ♪ Hey, girl, what you know about these stereotypes? 1653 01:02:26,284 --> 01:02:27,743 ♪ Yeah, yeah 1654 01:02:27,828 --> 01:02:30,496 ♪ l-l take a shot of Patrón 1655 01:02:30,580 --> 01:02:32,706 ♪ Two shots, then it's on 1656 01:02:32,791 --> 01:02:34,208 ♪ Three shot, four shot, five shot 1657 01:02:34,292 --> 01:02:36,710 ♪ Oh, shit, I think I'm gone 1658 01:02:36,795 --> 01:02:38,421 ♪ lf you're looking for me, l'm with the 1659 01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:40,423 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1660 01:02:40,507 --> 01:02:42,425 ♪ How easy to see l'm with the 1661 01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:44,510 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1662 01:02:44,594 --> 01:02:46,262 ♪ You know l love it when the 1663 01:02:46,346 --> 01:02:48,431 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1664 01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:50,433 ♪ That's why this one is for the 1665 01:02:50,517 --> 01:02:52,351 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1666 01:02:52,436 --> 01:02:53,936 Who did that? ♪ And l'm good to go 1667 01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:56,230 ♪ Got the hood feeIing so remarkable 1668 01:02:56,314 --> 01:02:58,190 ♪ When the clock hits 4:00, l'm out the door 1669 01:02:58,275 --> 01:03:00,443 ♪ So get your ass on the floor 1670 01:03:00,527 --> 01:03:04,780 ♪ Get your ass on the fIoor 1671 01:03:04,865 --> 01:03:06,615 ♪ Oh, you don't hear me though? 1672 01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,451 ♪ Get your ass on the floor, yeah 1673 01:03:08,535 --> 01:03:09,785 ♪ lf you're looking for me 1674 01:03:09,870 --> 01:03:10,870 ♪ l'm with the 1675 01:03:10,954 --> 01:03:12,621 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1676 01:03:12,706 --> 01:03:14,415 ♪ How easy to see l'm with the 1677 01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:16,667 ♪ Girls on the dance floor 1678 01:03:16,751 --> 01:03:18,711 ♪ You know l love it when the... ♪ 1679 01:03:18,920 --> 01:03:20,546 (CROWD CHEERING) 1680 01:03:22,716 --> 01:03:23,883 (MEN LAUGHING) 1681 01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:27,887 Gerald, get in the car. I love you, Donny! 1682 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:29,013 Yeah, I love you. Get in there. 1683 01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:30,514 Man, you got to give me the recipe, man. 1684 01:03:30,599 --> 01:03:32,141 Can't buy everything, Spirou ! 1685 01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:33,809 Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter. 1686 01:03:33,894 --> 01:03:34,935 That's the big secret. 1687 01:03:35,020 --> 01:03:36,312 Okay, Chris, get him in there. 1688 01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:38,689 Be gentle, he. . .he's protecting our country. 1689 01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:40,107 All right, good night, guys! 1690 01:03:40,192 --> 01:03:41,400 (LAUGHS) 1691 01:03:41,693 --> 01:03:43,986 Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy! 1692 01:03:44,154 --> 01:03:45,446 Whoa. (GERALD LAUGHING) 1693 01:03:45,530 --> 01:03:46,614 Hey, what. . . 1694 01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:47,823 Where's everybody going? 1695 01:03:47,908 --> 01:03:49,241 I sent them home, guy. 1696 01:03:49,326 --> 01:03:51,410 I thought, uh, we could have a little, uh, 1697 01:03:51,495 --> 01:03:54,205 best man/groom alone time. 1698 01:03:54,664 --> 01:03:55,956 Oh. But shouldn't I go with them? 1699 01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:57,833 'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me. 1700 01:03:57,918 --> 01:03:59,376 Wha. . . Easy, guy. 1701 01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:01,003 You're gonna have plenty of time 1702 01:04:01,087 --> 01:04:03,005 for her to be mad at you when you're married. 1703 01:04:03,089 --> 01:04:04,256 (LAUGHS) 1704 01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:06,467 I got you a wedding gift, and I want to 1705 01:04:06,551 --> 01:04:08,219 give it to you alone, all right? 1706 01:04:08,303 --> 01:04:09,345 You got me a gift? 1707 01:04:09,429 --> 01:04:10,721 Of course I got you. 1708 01:04:10,805 --> 01:04:13,307 And I think, uh, think you might dig it. 1709 01:04:18,522 --> 01:04:19,563 An earring. 1710 01:04:19,814 --> 01:04:22,107 Yeah, I know, but, uh, that's an earring 1711 01:04:22,192 --> 01:04:25,611 that your mom gave me, and I thought maybe we could 1712 01:04:25,695 --> 01:04:27,404 keep it in the family, you know? 1713 01:04:27,489 --> 01:04:28,572 Just kind of keep it going, 1714 01:04:28,657 --> 01:04:30,032 generation to generation, actually. 1715 01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:31,116 Oh. 1716 01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:34,119 Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny. 1717 01:04:35,247 --> 01:04:36,330 Yeah. 1718 01:04:37,666 --> 01:04:38,707 No. 1719 01:04:39,334 --> 01:04:40,459 Yeah. 1720 01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:44,755 All right, fuck it, fuck it. 1721 01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:46,131 Do it, just do it. 1722 01:04:46,675 --> 01:04:47,716 It's not gonna hurt, buddy. 1723 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:49,051 Y-You got a nice buzz going. 1724 01:04:49,135 --> 01:04:50,386 Yeah, I got it, I got it. 1725 01:04:50,470 --> 01:04:51,720 Hang on. 1726 01:04:52,013 --> 01:04:53,264 (SIGHS) Oh, yeah. 1727 01:04:53,348 --> 01:04:54,348 L-Liquor it up. 1728 01:04:54,432 --> 01:04:55,766 Oh, fuck! (SQUEALS) 1729 01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:57,184 Come here. Come here. 1730 01:04:57,269 --> 01:04:58,310 (SCREAMING) 1731 01:04:58,395 --> 01:05:00,229 Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie. 1732 01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:01,355 (SCREAMING) 1733 01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:04,275 Yeah ! (GROANS) 1734 01:05:05,527 --> 01:05:06,735 How we doing? (GROANING) 1735 01:05:07,195 --> 01:05:08,195 Oh, God. 1736 01:05:08,280 --> 01:05:10,155 That's it. That's the way to man up. 1737 01:05:10,699 --> 01:05:12,449 That wasn't so bad. Let me see it. 1738 01:05:13,034 --> 01:05:14,660 Am I bleeding? 1739 01:05:16,621 --> 01:05:17,871 I don't think so. No? 1740 01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:19,456 Does it look good? 1741 01:05:19,541 --> 01:05:22,418 You look like you could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit. 1742 01:05:22,502 --> 01:05:23,586 You look like a bad-ass. 1743 01:05:23,878 --> 01:05:25,421 Really? Yeah. 1744 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,464 Oh, 'cause it makes me feel kind of. . . 1745 01:05:27,549 --> 01:05:28,799 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 1746 01:05:28,883 --> 01:05:29,967 . . .dangerous. 1747 01:05:30,051 --> 01:05:31,343 (LAUGHS) 1748 01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:33,637 There he is, man ! 1749 01:05:33,722 --> 01:05:36,390 That's your personality. . . like when you were seven years old, 1750 01:05:36,474 --> 01:05:39,435 me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from you. 1751 01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,146 Uncle Vanny, that's right. 1752 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:43,981 What happened to that guy? 1753 01:05:44,608 --> 01:05:46,525 Dude, you know what it's time for? 1754 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:49,653 To get you back together with the old gang. 1755 01:05:51,031 --> 01:05:52,114 Come on. 1756 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:54,366 I just hope the guy will talk to me. 1757 01:05:54,826 --> 01:05:55,826 Phil ! 1758 01:05:55,994 --> 01:05:58,203 Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy. 1759 01:05:58,913 --> 01:06:00,956 (SOBBING) I shouldn't be doing this. 1760 01:06:01,875 --> 01:06:03,667 No, don't stop, don't stop. 1761 01:06:07,881 --> 01:06:09,131 (CLEARS THROAT) 1762 01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:18,891 All right, look. I came here to tell you I'm sorry 1763 01:06:18,975 --> 01:06:21,435 about what happened with me and your mother. 1764 01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:24,730 It was an accident, and it will never happen again. 1765 01:06:26,650 --> 01:06:28,317 That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man, 1766 01:06:28,401 --> 01:06:29,443 a simple apology. 1767 01:06:29,527 --> 01:06:30,694 It's water under the bridge. 1768 01:06:30,779 --> 01:06:32,154 Don't sweat it. Holla. 1769 01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:35,407 Wait, are you Vanilla Ice? 1770 01:06:36,576 --> 01:06:38,869 Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time? 1771 01:06:39,079 --> 01:06:40,162 Who did you think I was? 1772 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,997 I don't know, a friend of my dad's 1773 01:06:42,082 --> 01:06:43,415 that wore a lot of parachute pants? 1774 01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,125 (LAUGHTER) Oh, man. 1775 01:06:45,585 --> 01:06:47,169 I want to be honest with you, too. 1776 01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:50,005 I never did knock boots with your mother. 1777 01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:51,507 No? No. 1778 01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,175 I think she whacked me off outside the pants. 1779 01:06:53,259 --> 01:06:54,218 (SIGHS) No. 1780 01:06:54,302 --> 01:06:55,386 But I didn't finish. 1781 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:57,179 Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't. Yeah? 1782 01:06:57,430 --> 01:06:59,181 Oh, Mom. Yeah. 1783 01:06:59,265 --> 01:07:00,349 You know, she did like to fuck. 1784 01:07:00,433 --> 01:07:02,017 (LAUGHTER) That's fucking. . . Look at him. 1785 01:07:02,102 --> 01:07:03,769 Back to it. Fuck, yeah. 1786 01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:05,479 Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man. 1787 01:07:05,563 --> 01:07:06,563 Oh, thank you. 1788 01:07:06,648 --> 01:07:07,773 You lost some weight. Is this kid all right? 1789 01:07:07,899 --> 01:07:09,817 You're not a little fat kid no more. No, no, no. 1790 01:07:09,901 --> 01:07:11,026 Remember this one? No, no. 1791 01:07:11,111 --> 01:07:12,653 Oh, yeah, we used to do this to you all the time. 1792 01:07:12,737 --> 01:07:14,446 Remember, back in the day? Hey, nugget pocket. 1793 01:07:14,531 --> 01:07:16,323 Nugget pockets. No, I'm not a nugget pocket. 1794 01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:18,242 What's up, nugget pocket? No. 1795 01:07:18,326 --> 01:07:20,160 (LAUGHS) No, but seriously, Iceberg, 1796 01:07:20,245 --> 01:07:21,870 me and my boy got a little head start on you, 1797 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:24,456 but, uh, you got any desire to get wasted with us? 1798 01:07:24,666 --> 01:07:26,417 Ah, more than life itself. 1799 01:07:26,501 --> 01:07:28,919 In fact, I might have a little head start on you guys. 1800 01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:30,713 (LAUGHS) What? 1801 01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:32,423 Ah ! (INHALES) 1802 01:07:32,507 --> 01:07:34,049 Yeah. It's so illegal. 1803 01:07:34,384 --> 01:07:36,176 I don't want to do that in front of my kid. 1804 01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:37,636 Turn around for a minute. Just turn around. 1805 01:07:37,721 --> 01:07:39,513 (LAUGHS) Give me that fucking shit. 1806 01:07:39,973 --> 01:07:41,181 (INHALES) 1807 01:07:41,266 --> 01:07:42,391 What? 1808 01:07:43,810 --> 01:07:45,686 Hey, let's get out of here. 1809 01:07:45,770 --> 01:07:46,937 I did not do that. 1810 01:07:47,313 --> 01:07:49,022 Let's go have some fun. Hey! 1811 01:07:49,107 --> 01:07:51,400 Hey, where you think you're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream? 1812 01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:52,776 I'm going out for the night, man. 1813 01:07:52,861 --> 01:07:54,111 Aw, hell no, man ! You know I don't know 1814 01:07:54,195 --> 01:07:55,738 how to fry no damn chicken nuggets! 1815 01:07:55,822 --> 01:07:56,864 It's Todd Bridges. 1816 01:07:56,948 --> 01:07:58,449 Yeah, yeah, w-watch this. 1817 01:07:58,533 --> 01:07:59,658 What you talking 'bout, Willis? 1818 01:08:00,201 --> 01:08:01,577 You come back and say that to my face, 1819 01:08:01,661 --> 01:08:03,454 you fake white rapping motherfucker! 1820 01:08:03,538 --> 01:08:04,830 Todd, seriously, though, you look great. 1821 01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:07,040 How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh? (LAUGHTER) 1822 01:08:07,542 --> 01:08:09,084 Mister. . . Fuck you ! 1823 01:08:09,169 --> 01:08:10,544 "Mr. Drummond. Mister. . ." 1824 01:08:11,337 --> 01:08:13,130 Man, I. . . What you want? 1825 01:08:13,214 --> 01:08:14,298 Bowl of chili nuggets. 1826 01:08:14,382 --> 01:08:15,382 A what? 1827 01:08:15,467 --> 01:08:17,092 You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man ! 1828 01:08:19,179 --> 01:08:20,846 Shit, it is. Damn it. 1829 01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:23,891 DONNY: Fucking skate! Just fucking skate! 1830 01:08:24,517 --> 01:08:25,893 TODD: The Berger boys are here! 1831 01:08:25,977 --> 01:08:27,686 DONNY: Come on, look out! Look out, now! 1832 01:08:27,771 --> 01:08:28,771 What the fuck? 1833 01:08:28,855 --> 01:08:29,855 (DANCE THE NlGHT AWAY PLAYING) 1834 01:08:29,939 --> 01:08:30,939 ♪ Have you seen her? 1835 01:08:31,024 --> 01:08:32,483 ♪ So fine and pretty 1836 01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:35,152 Hey! Give me my hat back! 1837 01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:36,528 (LAUGHING) 1838 01:08:37,197 --> 01:08:39,198 Do it, do it! Give it back! 1839 01:08:39,282 --> 01:08:42,075 ♪ Yes, it's love in the third degree 1840 01:08:42,160 --> 01:08:43,869 DONNY: Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it? 1841 01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:45,204 Oh, my God ! 1842 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:46,538 (LAUGHING) 1843 01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:48,665 You fucking assholes! 1844 01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:50,083 (GRUNTING) 1845 01:08:50,168 --> 01:08:52,044 (CLAMORING) 1846 01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:54,880 ♪ Ooh, baby, baby 1847 01:08:55,548 --> 01:08:56,715 Go, go! 1848 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:58,050 (GROANS) 1849 01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:01,553 What the. . . Go! 1850 01:09:02,222 --> 01:09:03,347 Go, go, go! 1851 01:09:03,431 --> 01:09:05,057 What the fuck? Get out of here! 1852 01:09:05,141 --> 01:09:06,391 (GUNSHOT) Holy shit! 1853 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:12,731 You know, they seem like fun guys. 1854 01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:15,818 We're all gonna dive! Let's go! 1855 01:09:15,902 --> 01:09:16,902 (LAUGHING) 1856 01:09:16,986 --> 01:09:18,070 MAN: What are you doing? 1857 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:22,658 ♪ She's on fire 1858 01:09:22,742 --> 01:09:24,660 ♪ 'Cause dancing gets her higher 1859 01:09:24,744 --> 01:09:26,078 (LAUGHING) 1860 01:09:26,579 --> 01:09:27,663 Oh, my God ! 1861 01:09:27,747 --> 01:09:29,873 I didn't, I didn't spill my beer! 1862 01:09:29,958 --> 01:09:31,583 I fucking love it. 1863 01:09:31,668 --> 01:09:32,709 (CLAMORING) 1864 01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:34,628 Fuck! You fucking hard-ons! 1865 01:09:34,712 --> 01:09:36,463 (TIRES SCREECH) (HORN HONKS) 1866 01:09:36,548 --> 01:09:37,548 (GUNFIRE) 1867 01:09:37,632 --> 01:09:38,966 (CLAMORING) 1868 01:09:41,636 --> 01:09:42,928 (MEN SIGHING) 1869 01:09:43,763 --> 01:09:45,514 ♪ 'Cause you're old enough to dance 1870 01:09:45,598 --> 01:09:49,434 ♪ Dance the night away 1871 01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:50,769 "You fucking hard-ons." 1872 01:09:50,854 --> 01:09:52,312 Whoo! (LAUGHS) 1873 01:09:53,565 --> 01:09:55,315 ♪ Oh, come on, baby 1874 01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:57,067 ♪ Dance the night away ♪ 1875 01:09:57,443 --> 01:09:59,903 (MEN LAUGHING) Fucking. . . 1876 01:10:00,613 --> 01:10:03,156 What are you doing? No, no, no, no! 1877 01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,283 (PEOPLE SCREAMING) 1878 01:10:04,367 --> 01:10:05,617 (LAUGHING) 1879 01:10:05,994 --> 01:10:07,953 You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot! 1880 01:10:08,037 --> 01:10:09,037 Yeah ! 1881 01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:11,832 Look at this, fuck face. Look at this. 1882 01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:13,959 What the fuck? 1883 01:10:14,794 --> 01:10:15,794 Come on. (LAUGHS) 1884 01:10:15,879 --> 01:10:16,962 You fucking guy. I say, take it. 1885 01:10:17,046 --> 01:10:18,046 I can't. 1886 01:10:18,131 --> 01:10:19,089 Just go, go, go, go, go. No, wait, wait. 1887 01:10:19,173 --> 01:10:20,382 Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. 1888 01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:21,592 I changed my mind. I'm scared. 1889 01:10:21,676 --> 01:10:22,718 I don't want to do it. 1890 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:24,052 Oh, man. I can't do it. 1891 01:10:24,470 --> 01:10:25,929 You're rubbing your underwear. 1892 01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:28,181 What is that? Why are you doing that? 1893 01:10:28,266 --> 01:10:30,225 I suppose I'm the reason. 1894 01:10:30,310 --> 01:10:32,686 Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade 1895 01:10:32,770 --> 01:10:34,271 when you were supposed to pick me up after school, 1896 01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:35,856 you left me waiting for five hours? 1897 01:10:35,940 --> 01:10:38,358 I had detention myself, guy. 1898 01:10:38,443 --> 01:10:40,152 What the fuck was I supposed to do? 1899 01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:42,070 Yeah, well, I shit in my pants. 1900 01:10:42,155 --> 01:10:43,113 All right. 1901 01:10:43,239 --> 01:10:45,490 Then I had to walk all the way home alone. All right. 1902 01:10:45,575 --> 01:10:46,658 With shit in my pants. 1903 01:10:46,743 --> 01:10:49,411 Dude, I promise you, I'll never forget you again. 1904 01:10:49,787 --> 01:10:50,871 I swear to God. 1905 01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:52,289 Throw the fucking things away. 1906 01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:54,374 Don't fuck with me. Throw them away. 1907 01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:58,670 (CHANTING) Throw them away. Throw them away. 1908 01:10:58,755 --> 01:11:00,631 Get rid of the fucking underwear, you don't need that. 1909 01:11:00,715 --> 01:11:02,174 You're better than that, guy. 1910 01:11:02,467 --> 01:11:03,967 Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it. 1911 01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:06,094 Squeeze it out and fucking. . . Yeah. 1912 01:11:07,013 --> 01:11:08,722 (LAUGHTER) 1913 01:11:09,766 --> 01:11:11,058 You're a good kid. 1914 01:11:11,142 --> 01:11:13,435 Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking. 1915 01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:15,395 All right. All right? Here we go. 1916 01:11:15,480 --> 01:11:17,064 Come on. Push, push. I got you. Okay. 1917 01:11:17,148 --> 01:11:18,774 I'm not good at it. All right. 1918 01:11:18,858 --> 01:11:20,108 It's balance, it's just balance. 1919 01:11:20,193 --> 01:11:21,735 You got this, kid. You're an athlete. 1920 01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:23,737 You got it. No, it's in you, buddy. 1921 01:11:23,821 --> 01:11:24,821 Straight. I don't know how. 1922 01:11:24,906 --> 01:11:26,073 I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall. 1923 01:11:26,157 --> 01:11:27,783 Don't let me go. I won't let you fall. 1924 01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:29,117 Don't let go. All right, I'm still with you. 1925 01:11:29,202 --> 01:11:30,160 Okay. I'm still with you. 1926 01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:32,371 Let's pick up some speed, though. I'm with you, guy. 1927 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:33,747 I'm with you. I'm with you. 1928 01:11:33,831 --> 01:11:34,957 I'm not letting go. Don't let me go. 1929 01:11:35,041 --> 01:11:36,458 I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy. 1930 01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:38,585 Wait. . . I'm with you, my boy! 1931 01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:41,296 Yeah, that's all you ! I'm doing it! 1932 01:11:41,673 --> 01:11:43,674 Yeah ! Yeah, yeah, baby! I'm doing it! 1933 01:11:44,050 --> 01:11:46,551 Oh ! Oh, my God ! 1934 01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:49,054 Oh ! Oh ! 1935 01:11:49,138 --> 01:11:50,430 Are you. . . (COUGHS) 1936 01:11:50,515 --> 01:11:51,473 Kid, are you. . . 1937 01:11:51,557 --> 01:11:52,808 Are you all right, buddy? 1938 01:11:53,184 --> 01:11:54,142 Sorry. 1939 01:11:54,227 --> 01:11:56,061 Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife! Oh ! What the fuck? 1940 01:11:56,187 --> 01:11:57,938 TODD: No! Fucking naked people. 1941 01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,606 I'm gonna fucking kill you ! 1942 01:11:59,691 --> 01:12:00,983 TODD: Oh, my God, they're chasing me! 1943 01:12:01,067 --> 01:12:02,359 What the fuck? Get off him ! 1944 01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:03,610 Go! 1945 01:12:03,695 --> 01:12:04,903 Oh, my God ! Look out! Go! 1946 01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:06,571 (SCREAMING) 1947 01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:07,823 DONNY: Keep going, guy! 1948 01:12:08,157 --> 01:12:09,241 Donny! 1949 01:12:10,034 --> 01:12:11,493 (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) 1950 01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:12,786 Yeah ! You're the best. 1951 01:12:12,870 --> 01:12:14,079 You are, Jay. TODD: Good luck! 1952 01:12:14,163 --> 01:12:15,580 I like your fucking hairdo! 1953 01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,624 Good luck with the taxi business! 1954 01:12:18,251 --> 01:12:20,210 Love that guy. Classic. Classic. 1955 01:12:20,294 --> 01:12:21,586 (LAUGHS) Classic. 1956 01:12:21,838 --> 01:12:23,130 It's a classic night. 1957 01:12:23,381 --> 01:12:26,008 No way! Party's not over! 1958 01:12:26,342 --> 01:12:27,467 Come on ! 1959 01:12:27,760 --> 01:12:28,885 (BOTH LAUGH) 1960 01:12:30,513 --> 01:12:32,139 Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up. 1961 01:12:34,308 --> 01:12:35,517 I love you, Son. 1962 01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:41,356 I do. 1963 01:12:41,441 --> 01:12:43,066 I've always loved you, all right? 1964 01:12:44,444 --> 01:12:46,111 Sorry to spring that on you like that. 1965 01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,529 It's all right. 1966 01:12:47,613 --> 01:12:49,656 It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you. 1967 01:12:49,741 --> 01:12:51,283 Hansie, Hansie. 1968 01:12:52,243 --> 01:12:55,871 Why don't you not call me Donny when no one's around. 1969 01:12:55,955 --> 01:12:57,247 You can call me Dad. 1970 01:12:58,041 --> 01:13:00,125 Uh, yeah, I know, I know. 1971 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:01,418 It's. . . 1972 01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:04,880 I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny. 1973 01:13:04,964 --> 01:13:06,298 You know? Yeah, yeah. 1974 01:13:08,301 --> 01:13:09,551 No prob. 1975 01:13:22,732 --> 01:13:23,899 Sorry. 1976 01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:26,068 Sorry if you fucking don't like me. 1977 01:13:31,824 --> 01:13:33,742 I probably would've fucked my teacher, too. 1978 01:13:34,911 --> 01:13:36,411 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1979 01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:38,830 Yeah. 1980 01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:40,749 But, uh. . . 1981 01:13:43,753 --> 01:13:45,295 (CLEARS THROAT) 1982 01:13:48,925 --> 01:13:50,133 (SIGHS) 1983 01:13:51,594 --> 01:13:54,763 Eh, so, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow? 1984 01:13:56,057 --> 01:13:58,141 Wait, you'll go to the prison? 1985 01:13:58,768 --> 01:14:00,102 Yeah, I'll go. 1986 01:14:01,896 --> 01:14:03,647 No. No, no, no, no, no. 1987 01:14:03,731 --> 01:14:06,233 That. . . That's. . . They canceled that. 1988 01:14:06,359 --> 01:14:09,111 That's. . . I talked to the warden, and he says 1989 01:14:09,195 --> 01:14:12,239 that your mother was just pulling our leg. 1990 01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:14,116 She's only got the chicken pox. 1991 01:14:14,867 --> 01:14:15,951 What? 1992 01:14:16,035 --> 01:14:17,202 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 1993 01:14:17,286 --> 01:14:18,954 She said she was dying because 1994 01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:21,790 they give you better food if you're wicked sick like that, 1995 01:14:21,874 --> 01:14:26,211 like Beefaroni or microwave pizza or some shit, so. . . 1996 01:14:27,713 --> 01:14:28,922 That just made me hungry. 1997 01:14:30,174 --> 01:14:31,424 Well, check your pockets. 1998 01:14:34,554 --> 01:14:35,554 (CHUCKLES) 1999 01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:37,013 Oh ! 2000 01:14:37,098 --> 01:14:38,181 (LAUGHS) 2001 01:14:38,266 --> 01:14:39,432 A treasure! 2002 01:14:39,934 --> 01:14:40,976 Come on, eat it. 2003 01:14:41,060 --> 01:14:42,602 Oh, no, it's nasty. Come on, I'm telling you. 2004 01:14:42,687 --> 01:14:44,646 Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing. 2005 01:14:44,730 --> 01:14:46,314 Yeah. You like that. 2006 01:14:46,816 --> 01:14:47,858 Pretty good. 2007 01:14:47,942 --> 01:14:49,025 Woo-hoo! 2008 01:14:49,110 --> 01:14:51,486 Look at me, I'm a fountain ! (LAUGHS) 2009 01:14:51,571 --> 01:14:52,946 Throw a penny in here! 2010 01:14:53,030 --> 01:14:54,573 Make a wish, motherfucker! 2011 01:15:05,543 --> 01:15:06,751 (SIGHS) 2012 01:15:10,381 --> 01:15:11,381 (DOOR OPENS) 2013 01:15:11,632 --> 01:15:13,425 Oh, what the fu. . . 2014 01:15:13,718 --> 01:15:15,010 Grandma D, what's going on? 2015 01:15:15,094 --> 01:15:16,261 What are you doing here? 2016 01:15:16,512 --> 01:15:18,597 Well, you've had the fantasy, 2017 01:15:19,432 --> 01:15:22,601 so now it's time that you try the real thing. 2018 01:15:23,644 --> 01:15:25,562 (CHUCKLES) Oh ! 2019 01:15:26,856 --> 01:15:29,232 No, no, no, I can't do that. 2020 01:15:29,317 --> 01:15:30,442 I'm sorry. 2021 01:15:30,651 --> 01:15:32,235 I appreciate the offer. 2022 01:15:32,695 --> 01:15:34,613 Oh, no, no, no, don't. 2023 01:15:34,906 --> 01:15:37,365 I can't. Don't you. . . I-I shouldn't. 2024 01:15:37,617 --> 01:15:39,284 (BETTE DA VIS EYES PLAYING) 2025 01:15:39,368 --> 01:15:41,620 Oh, God. 2026 01:15:42,413 --> 01:15:44,748 You got the old-timey bathing suit on. 2027 01:15:47,627 --> 01:15:48,960 Okay, I'm in. 2028 01:15:50,004 --> 01:15:53,673 I'm going to ride you like a Model T. 2029 01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:01,932 (WHISPERING) Yeah. 2030 01:16:04,685 --> 01:16:05,769 Shh ! 2031 01:16:09,607 --> 01:16:10,815 (SIGHS) 2032 01:16:11,943 --> 01:16:13,109 Jamie. 2033 01:16:14,278 --> 01:16:15,987 You're wearing your dress again. 2034 01:16:17,490 --> 01:16:19,241 You look beautiful. 2035 01:16:20,284 --> 01:16:21,952 I want you so bad. 2036 01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:24,204 Be nice to me. 2037 01:16:24,664 --> 01:16:26,373 Make me feel good. 2038 01:16:26,707 --> 01:16:28,500 (GRUNTING) 2039 01:16:31,337 --> 01:16:33,171 All right, all right. 2040 01:16:33,506 --> 01:16:36,758 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 2041 01:16:36,842 --> 01:16:39,010 (GASPING) Oh, oh, oh. 2042 01:16:40,846 --> 01:16:42,097 (SNORING) 2043 01:16:44,392 --> 01:16:46,184 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 2044 01:16:49,397 --> 01:16:51,356 JAMIE: Oh, my God ! 2045 01:16:51,857 --> 01:16:53,066 Help me! 2046 01:16:53,359 --> 01:16:54,567 (SCREAMS) 2047 01:16:54,819 --> 01:16:56,236 What happened? Are you okay? 2048 01:16:56,654 --> 01:16:58,280 Do I sound okay? 2049 01:16:58,572 --> 01:17:01,074 You puked all over my wedding dress! 2050 01:17:01,826 --> 01:17:03,535 Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers! 2051 01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:04,869 (GROANS) 2052 01:17:05,329 --> 01:17:07,539 Sorry, I, uh, I heard you scream. 2053 01:17:07,623 --> 01:17:09,499 I thought Jamie was getting murdered, 2054 01:17:09,583 --> 01:17:11,459 so I was gonna fucking smack someone around. 2055 01:17:11,877 --> 01:17:13,753 What happened? Oh, I don't know! 2056 01:17:13,838 --> 01:17:16,047 I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! 2057 01:17:16,507 --> 01:17:19,676 And something else, something sticky. 2058 01:17:22,638 --> 01:17:23,972 (SNIFFING) 2059 01:17:38,279 --> 01:17:39,404 It's jizz. 2060 01:17:41,115 --> 01:17:43,950 You puked on my dress and then fucked it! 2061 01:17:44,035 --> 01:17:45,368 (LAUGHS) 2062 01:17:45,911 --> 01:17:47,829 You're a madman. Uh. . . 2063 01:17:47,913 --> 01:17:49,664 No, no, no, no. No. 2064 01:17:50,082 --> 01:17:51,583 Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy. You shut up. 2065 01:17:51,667 --> 01:17:52,751 Donny, just shut up! 2066 01:17:52,793 --> 01:17:54,127 Who wants a piece of this, huh? (SCREAMING) 2067 01:17:54,211 --> 01:17:55,920 Who wants a piece? Whoa, no, no, no! 2068 01:17:56,088 --> 01:17:57,172 It's okay, buddy. 2069 01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:58,465 Todd just fucked the dress. 2070 01:17:59,342 --> 01:18:00,467 It's under control. Oh. 2071 01:18:01,594 --> 01:18:03,345 What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room? 2072 01:18:04,430 --> 01:18:07,724 He's, um. . . My other best friend. 2073 01:18:08,100 --> 01:18:09,601 Yeah. And a wicked good rapper. 2074 01:18:09,685 --> 01:18:11,394 Give it up for him. Come on, now. 2075 01:18:11,937 --> 01:18:13,521 Let's give it up. DONNY: My boy. 2076 01:18:14,190 --> 01:18:15,190 I don't know what's going on here, 2077 01:18:15,274 --> 01:18:16,649 but I don't have time to deal with this, so. . . 2078 01:18:16,734 --> 01:18:18,818 (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, this is what's gonna happen. 2079 01:18:19,320 --> 01:18:21,071 I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go to Pilates. 2080 01:18:21,447 --> 01:18:23,156 You're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners! 2081 01:18:23,407 --> 01:18:25,116 And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight, 2082 01:18:25,201 --> 01:18:27,285 and you're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right? 2083 01:18:27,411 --> 01:18:28,745 Mmm-hmm. And you can start by taking out 2084 01:18:28,829 --> 01:18:30,914 that stupid Duran Duran earring ! 2085 01:18:31,123 --> 01:18:32,457 I was thinking it's more Foreigner. 2086 01:18:32,541 --> 01:18:34,876 No? No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though. 2087 01:18:36,295 --> 01:18:37,462 (DOOR SLAMS) 2088 01:18:38,339 --> 01:18:41,341 Uh, guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores. 2089 01:18:41,425 --> 01:18:42,467 Yeah. Is that all right? 2090 01:18:42,551 --> 01:18:43,760 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have fun, buddy. Have fun. 2091 01:18:43,844 --> 01:18:44,928 Not too much, though. Don't hurt her. 2092 01:18:45,012 --> 01:18:46,262 No, no. I get it right and keep it tight. 2093 01:18:46,347 --> 01:18:47,764 (CHUCKLES) Okay. 2094 01:18:47,973 --> 01:18:50,892 (SIGHS) Look, I-I need a couple hours to fix this. 2095 01:18:51,185 --> 01:18:54,479 Oh, hey, we've all been in that situation, and you'll be fine, kid. 2096 01:18:54,814 --> 01:18:57,107 I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right? 2097 01:18:57,191 --> 01:18:58,525 All right. I love it. 2098 01:19:00,569 --> 01:19:02,237 You jizzed on a mannequin. 2099 01:19:02,655 --> 01:19:03,738 Respect it. 2100 01:19:05,699 --> 01:19:07,575 But you were only 1 3. 2101 01:19:08,327 --> 01:19:09,911 She took advantage of you. 2102 01:19:09,995 --> 01:19:12,747 No, all right. That's what the law says, Su-Jin, 2103 01:19:12,832 --> 01:19:15,417 but I don't know. . . We were kind of like soul mates. 2104 01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:16,876 You know, there was. . . There was a connection there. 2105 01:19:16,961 --> 01:19:18,294 I never had it with anyone else. 2106 01:19:18,379 --> 01:19:20,004 (PASSIONATE MOANING RING TONE PLAYING) I'm getting a call. 2107 01:19:20,089 --> 01:19:21,089 I'm sorry, guys. 2108 01:19:21,173 --> 01:19:22,966 Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them. 2109 01:19:23,050 --> 01:19:24,509 Okay, Su-Jin? 2110 01:19:25,177 --> 01:19:26,177 Go for Donny B. 2111 01:19:26,637 --> 01:19:27,887 TODD: Wassup! 2112 01:19:28,472 --> 01:19:31,141 Oh, hey, big man. What's going on? 2113 01:19:31,225 --> 01:19:32,225 How'd it go with the lady? 2114 01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:33,351 You patch things up? 2115 01:19:34,186 --> 01:19:35,854 Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing. 2116 01:19:35,938 --> 01:19:37,439 The dry cleaner said they've, uh, 2117 01:19:37,523 --> 01:19:39,607 definitely seen that combo of fluid before. 2118 01:19:39,692 --> 01:19:42,527 You see? Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic. 2119 01:19:43,404 --> 01:19:45,196 Hey, uh, listen, while l got you, 2120 01:19:45,281 --> 01:19:47,490 I left you a little best man gift on your dresser. 2121 01:19:47,575 --> 01:19:48,867 I think you'll get a kick out of it. 2122 01:19:49,118 --> 01:19:51,453 You did not. Oh, my God. 2123 01:19:51,537 --> 01:19:54,581 My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that. 2124 01:19:54,665 --> 01:19:56,124 Buddy, no one gets me a gift. 2125 01:19:56,333 --> 01:19:58,543 Where are you, anyways? Oh, I'm in the car. 2126 01:19:58,711 --> 01:20:00,211 I decided to go see Mom after all. 2127 01:20:01,380 --> 01:20:02,422 You did what? 2128 01:20:03,966 --> 01:20:05,383 Oh, my God. Dukes of Hazzard! 2129 01:20:06,719 --> 01:20:07,969 (GRUNTS) 2130 01:20:17,688 --> 01:20:19,355 (TIRES SQUEALING) 2131 01:20:24,069 --> 01:20:25,195 Hansie. 2132 01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:27,071 Donny, what are you doing here? 2133 01:20:27,156 --> 01:20:28,740 We got to get out of here now. 2134 01:20:29,033 --> 01:20:30,116 What? What are you talking about? 2135 01:20:30,409 --> 01:20:31,826 It's your wedding weekend, dude. 2136 01:20:31,911 --> 01:20:32,869 You come here after the wedding. 2137 01:20:32,953 --> 01:20:34,162 You show your mother your new ring. 2138 01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:35,538 That would make her happy. 2139 01:20:35,915 --> 01:20:37,832 Wait, are you nervous to see her? 2140 01:20:37,958 --> 01:20:39,959 Hansie, can we just blow this place off 2141 01:20:40,044 --> 01:20:41,628 and have a beer, please? I'm begging you. 2142 01:20:41,712 --> 01:20:42,795 Look. Is that her? 2143 01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:44,631 (I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING) 2144 01:20:56,685 --> 01:20:58,686 ♪ Mmm, yeah 2145 01:21:04,693 --> 01:21:05,693 ♪ Ha 2146 01:21:05,778 --> 01:21:08,988 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh 2147 01:21:09,073 --> 01:21:11,658 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 2148 01:21:12,159 --> 01:21:13,535 Oh, my God. 2149 01:21:14,537 --> 01:21:16,037 There you are. 2150 01:21:16,789 --> 01:21:19,582 My little Hansie, you're all grown up. 2151 01:21:20,584 --> 01:21:21,668 Hi, Mom. 2152 01:21:21,752 --> 01:21:23,253 I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. 2153 01:21:23,837 --> 01:21:25,463 I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting. 2154 01:21:25,548 --> 01:21:26,548 It just got too hard. 2155 01:21:26,632 --> 01:21:28,841 Oh, no, I totally understand. 2156 01:21:29,969 --> 01:21:31,010 Wow. 2157 01:21:31,595 --> 01:21:32,804 You still have my eyes. 2158 01:21:32,888 --> 01:21:33,888 (CHUCKLES) 2159 01:21:34,014 --> 01:21:38,142 Is that the earring that I gave you after the Loverboy concert? 2160 01:21:41,355 --> 01:21:42,897 Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle. 2161 01:21:43,482 --> 01:21:46,401 You know, I think about you every day. 2162 01:21:46,485 --> 01:21:49,487 Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle. I never stopped. 2163 01:21:50,197 --> 01:21:51,823 Oh. . . Oh, I love you, too. 2164 01:21:53,492 --> 01:21:54,659 Do you remember. . . 2165 01:21:55,202 --> 01:21:56,327 Oh, God, here we go. 2166 01:21:56,662 --> 01:22:00,707 . . .all the nasty things that I taught you, Donny? 2167 01:22:02,376 --> 01:22:04,836 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do, Miss McGarricle. 2168 01:22:05,212 --> 01:22:07,338 Are you still my dirty boy? 2169 01:22:08,841 --> 01:22:12,760 Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle. 2170 01:22:13,512 --> 01:22:14,679 Donny. 2171 01:22:16,515 --> 01:22:17,640 Oh, fuck, yeah. 2172 01:22:21,020 --> 01:22:22,645 Mmm. Oh. 2173 01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:24,272 Uh-huh. 2174 01:22:24,356 --> 01:22:26,941 I'm hard right now. I'm hard. 2175 01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:29,652 Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so. . . 2176 01:22:30,487 --> 01:22:33,197 But it is really good to see you, Mom. I. . . 2177 01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:34,532 It's good to see you, too, baby. 2178 01:22:35,200 --> 01:22:37,535 Can you describe what you're feeling right now, Han? 2179 01:22:38,370 --> 01:22:39,996 TV's Randall Morgan? 2180 01:22:40,706 --> 01:22:41,998 What are you doing here? 2181 01:22:42,249 --> 01:22:45,293 Must be quite emotional for you to be face-to-face 2182 01:22:45,377 --> 01:22:47,795 with the woman who molested your father, isn't it? 2183 01:22:48,088 --> 01:22:50,465 What is going on right now? Who is this dude? 2184 01:22:50,549 --> 01:22:52,467 Listen, before you get mad at me. . . 2185 01:22:52,551 --> 01:22:54,010 This is why you came to see me? 2186 01:22:54,428 --> 01:22:56,220 For some reality TV ambush? 2187 01:22:56,305 --> 01:22:58,181 No. How much they paying you, Donny? 2188 01:22:58,265 --> 01:22:59,849 Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting. . . 2189 01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,519 $50,000 to deliver you to this prison. 2190 01:23:03,729 --> 01:23:06,230 All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not. . . I'm not. . . 2191 01:23:06,315 --> 01:23:07,857 I'm not going to do it. I swear to God. 2192 01:23:07,941 --> 01:23:09,567 I'm not. . . I would never take his money. 2193 01:23:09,652 --> 01:23:10,860 Donny Berger, what have you done? 2194 01:23:10,986 --> 01:23:12,654 Hansie, dude, it's me. 2195 01:23:12,738 --> 01:23:13,988 It's the guy from last night. 2196 01:23:14,073 --> 01:23:15,406 We had fun. Don't. . . Don't fuck it. 2197 01:23:15,491 --> 01:23:16,574 I'm telling you, this is. . . 2198 01:23:16,659 --> 01:23:17,867 This is something that can be fixed. 2199 01:23:18,077 --> 01:23:19,619 You're unreal. Hansie. 2200 01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:21,412 What. . . 2201 01:23:21,497 --> 01:23:24,040 You go after him, Donny, and you take care of our son. 2202 01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:25,416 Hansie. (RANDALL LAUGHING) 2203 01:23:25,501 --> 01:23:27,210 Come on, he is pissed. Fuck! 2204 01:23:27,503 --> 01:23:29,796 Take care of our baby, Donny! DONNY: Hansie! 2205 01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:32,090 Hansie, please, let me explain to you. . . 2206 01:23:32,174 --> 01:23:33,675 I can't believe I let you back into my life again. 2207 01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:35,843 Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me. 2208 01:23:36,553 --> 01:23:38,388 I owe the IRS a lot of money. 2209 01:23:38,472 --> 01:23:39,514 Of course you do. 2210 01:23:39,598 --> 01:23:40,682 I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up. 2211 01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:43,935 But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday, I'm going to prison. 2212 01:23:44,353 --> 01:23:46,062 Wait, so you're telling me, 2213 01:23:46,146 --> 01:23:48,564 if I give you 43 grand, you don't have to go to jail? 2214 01:23:49,650 --> 01:23:51,609 I will pay you back, I swear to God. 2215 01:23:51,694 --> 01:23:53,194 Would you. . . Would you loan me the money? 2216 01:23:53,278 --> 01:23:54,779 No! Fuck you ! 2217 01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:56,489 Get your shit out of my boss's house! Okay! 2218 01:23:56,615 --> 01:23:59,367 (TASER ZAPPING) No! Don't do that. 2219 01:23:59,451 --> 01:24:01,244 That's my boy there. 2220 01:24:02,204 --> 01:24:03,204 (FARTING) 2221 01:24:03,288 --> 01:24:04,747 Oh. . . Oh, no. 2222 01:24:04,832 --> 01:24:06,457 I think he just shit his pants. 2223 01:24:06,542 --> 01:24:08,334 Tell me you got that on camera. 2224 01:24:08,419 --> 01:24:10,420 You made me throw out my extra underwear! 2225 01:24:10,504 --> 01:24:13,589 I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to shit yourself again. 2226 01:24:13,882 --> 01:24:15,341 That was awesome. 2227 01:24:15,426 --> 01:24:16,801 (LAUGHING) That was awesome. 2228 01:24:17,136 --> 01:24:19,137 Donny, couldn't have gone any better. Loved it. 2229 01:24:19,388 --> 01:24:21,097 You know what I need from you, Todd, is I need you 2230 01:24:21,181 --> 01:24:23,474 to sign the release form right. . . Fuck you ! 2231 01:24:24,309 --> 01:24:25,393 Get away from me! 2232 01:24:25,477 --> 01:24:26,728 Get those cameras off me! 2233 01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:31,482 I hate you. . . Dad. 2234 01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:36,654 DONNY: Hansie! 2235 01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:40,658 I can't pay you a dime unless I got a release form. 2236 01:24:41,452 --> 01:24:42,535 Fuck. 2237 01:24:42,953 --> 01:24:44,495 Did I get any shit on me? 2238 01:24:46,999 --> 01:24:48,750 (ENGINE SPUTTERING) 2239 01:24:49,168 --> 01:24:50,877 (UNSATlSFlED PLAYING) 2240 01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:14,358 Let me off here. Let me off. 2241 01:25:14,443 --> 01:25:15,777 Let me get off. I'll fucking run up. 2242 01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:17,570 Keep it running. 2243 01:25:17,654 --> 01:25:19,030 I got to pick my shit up. 2244 01:25:20,532 --> 01:25:23,034 ♪ Look me in the eye 2245 01:25:23,118 --> 01:25:27,038 ♪ Then tell me that l'm satisfied 2246 01:25:31,043 --> 01:25:35,797 ♪ Was you satisfied? 2247 01:25:36,632 --> 01:25:39,008 ♪ Look me in the eye... ♪ (LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE) 2248 01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:41,010 JAMIE: Oh, you're so adorable. 2249 01:25:42,179 --> 01:25:43,429 No, I know, but I told you 2250 01:25:43,514 --> 01:25:44,597 not to call me on this line. 2251 01:25:44,681 --> 01:25:45,848 What if Todd picks up? 2252 01:25:48,018 --> 01:25:50,645 No, no, no, I. . . I want to. 2253 01:25:52,523 --> 01:25:53,648 No, Steve. 2254 01:25:53,899 --> 01:25:55,107 Todd doesn't know anything. 2255 01:25:55,609 --> 01:25:57,860 I don't care if he finds out after the wedding. 2256 01:25:58,237 --> 01:25:59,779 There's nothing he can do about it then anyway. 2257 01:26:00,739 --> 01:26:02,156 Oh, you're so sweet. 2258 01:26:02,491 --> 01:26:03,866 Steve, huh? 2259 01:26:05,244 --> 01:26:08,371 Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up. 2260 01:26:09,206 --> 01:26:12,083 I'm going to fuck you up! 2261 01:26:14,962 --> 01:26:17,129 STEVE: Well, I got some great news. 2262 01:26:17,256 --> 01:26:19,423 I've made my decision on who my new partner is. 2263 01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:23,010 Phil ! (GASPS) 2264 01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:24,720 Phil, I knew you could do it. 2265 01:26:24,805 --> 01:26:26,556 STEVE: (LAUGHING) Look at Phil's face. 2266 01:26:26,849 --> 01:26:29,267 I'm just busting your balls, Phil. 2267 01:26:29,351 --> 01:26:30,601 No, I'd never pick you. 2268 01:26:31,103 --> 01:26:32,270 Oh, no. 2269 01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,689 It's you, Todd. Partners. 2270 01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:36,190 (GASPING) 2271 01:26:36,275 --> 01:26:37,358 Oh. Partner. 2272 01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:38,401 Oh, my gosh. 2273 01:26:38,485 --> 01:26:39,485 It's going to be a lot more hours 2274 01:26:39,570 --> 01:26:40,778 and a lot more responsibility. 2275 01:26:40,863 --> 01:26:41,863 You know that, right? 2276 01:26:42,114 --> 01:26:44,490 And. . . a lot more money! 2277 01:26:44,575 --> 01:26:45,908 (LAUGHING) 2278 01:26:47,119 --> 01:26:48,160 STEVE: Oh ! 2279 01:26:48,245 --> 01:26:50,204 Somebody's going shopping ! Yeah ! 2280 01:26:51,081 --> 01:26:52,123 (STEVE SIGHS) 2281 01:26:52,207 --> 01:26:53,291 I thought he left. 2282 01:26:53,375 --> 01:26:55,042 Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve. 2283 01:26:55,127 --> 01:26:56,836 I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah. 2284 01:26:57,546 --> 01:26:58,588 Hey, Jamie. 2285 01:26:58,964 --> 01:27:00,006 Listen. Listen. 2286 01:27:00,090 --> 01:27:02,925 Dude, this is not about you and me, all right? 2287 01:27:03,468 --> 01:27:04,969 You're not marrying the right girl. 2288 01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:06,304 She is cheating on you. 2289 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:07,889 You are unbelievable. 2290 01:27:08,223 --> 01:27:09,223 Can't you just let it go? 2291 01:27:09,308 --> 01:27:10,558 This is my last chance to be normal. 2292 01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:12,018 Are you determined to ruin my life? 2293 01:27:12,644 --> 01:27:14,395 Honey, what's going on? Nothing. 2294 01:27:14,479 --> 01:27:17,023 Don't "honey" him, you little snake in the grass. 2295 01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:18,357 I heard your phone call. 2296 01:27:18,483 --> 01:27:21,694 "Oh, Steve, why'd you call on this line? 2297 01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,154 "Todd could have picked up." 2298 01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:24,447 That's right, sonny boy. 2299 01:27:24,531 --> 01:27:26,490 Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss. 2300 01:27:26,783 --> 01:27:27,950 Right there. 2301 01:27:28,201 --> 01:27:29,327 Fuck you, buddy. 2302 01:27:29,494 --> 01:27:31,370 You are an idiot! 2303 01:27:31,455 --> 01:27:32,580 Is that right, sweetheart? 2304 01:27:32,664 --> 01:27:34,165 Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah. Why? 2305 01:27:34,207 --> 01:27:36,584 I was on the phone with Steve. Aha! 2306 01:27:36,793 --> 01:27:40,880 Steve Goldstein, the Boston HeraId wedding reporter. 2307 01:27:41,173 --> 01:27:42,298 Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most 2308 01:27:42,382 --> 01:27:44,008 beautiful places to get married, 2309 01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:45,343 and I didn't want Todd to know 2310 01:27:45,427 --> 01:27:46,844 because he doesn't like being in the paper. 2311 01:27:46,970 --> 01:27:49,972 So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world 2312 01:27:50,057 --> 01:27:52,099 to know I married the perfect guy. 2313 01:27:52,184 --> 01:27:54,352 Honey, do you think you can forgive me 2314 01:27:54,436 --> 01:27:56,479 for keeping such a big secret from you? 2315 01:27:58,774 --> 01:28:02,193 Okay, uh, due to this newfound evidence, 2316 01:28:03,195 --> 01:28:06,155 the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole. 2317 01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:08,324 Bye. 2318 01:28:10,369 --> 01:28:11,494 Fine. 2319 01:28:12,204 --> 01:28:13,371 Have a good wedding. 2320 01:28:15,332 --> 01:28:16,415 I'll leave with pride. 2321 01:28:17,417 --> 01:28:18,542 I'm a good person. 2322 01:28:20,963 --> 01:28:23,130 Bye! I'll see you tomorrow! 2323 01:28:23,382 --> 01:28:24,423 (HOLLERING) 2324 01:28:26,885 --> 01:28:27,927 (JAMIE SIGHS) 2325 01:28:28,011 --> 01:28:29,929 TODD: Wow, what a stressful day, huh? 2326 01:28:30,055 --> 01:28:31,764 Can't wait to get back to the beach house. Oh, thank you. 2327 01:28:31,848 --> 01:28:33,849 Bye. Just the two of us, you know? 2328 01:28:33,934 --> 01:28:36,435 Oh, no, honey. I'm staying in the city tonight, remember? 2329 01:28:36,520 --> 01:28:38,312 What? No. Yeah, the bride and groom, 2330 01:28:38,397 --> 01:28:40,147 they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding. 2331 01:28:40,565 --> 01:28:41,732 So see you tomorrow, big guy. 2332 01:28:41,900 --> 01:28:43,859 I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley. 2333 01:28:43,944 --> 01:28:45,903 Mom and Dad, you guys got the hedgehog. Okay! 2334 01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:47,363 Love you. CHAD: Watch the door. 2335 01:28:47,447 --> 01:28:49,240 Love you. Ow. Okay. Sleep well. 2336 01:28:49,491 --> 01:28:51,242 Wait, but don't they not have a car? 2337 01:28:54,955 --> 01:28:56,288 (EXHALING SHARPLY) 2338 01:28:57,082 --> 01:28:58,040 All right, Donny, go. 2339 01:28:58,125 --> 01:28:59,250 There's your chance. Go. 2340 01:28:59,501 --> 01:29:01,168 I ain't got no more chances, buddy. 2341 01:29:01,253 --> 01:29:02,795 The kid hates my guts. 2342 01:29:03,213 --> 01:29:04,755 Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car. 2343 01:29:04,881 --> 01:29:06,424 I'm not talking about him, Donny. 2344 01:29:07,092 --> 01:29:08,759 Wake up, man. What? 2345 01:29:09,094 --> 01:29:11,262 Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son. 2346 01:29:11,513 --> 01:29:14,932 Yeah? Win her over, then she'll convince Han 2347 01:29:15,267 --> 01:29:17,268 to give you another chance. Boom ! 2348 01:29:18,103 --> 01:29:20,479 How am I ever going to get her trust? 2349 01:29:20,564 --> 01:29:21,689 She freaking hates me. 2350 01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:24,275 Donny, you want to know what all women love? 2351 01:29:25,652 --> 01:29:26,986 Ice cream. 2352 01:29:28,780 --> 01:29:29,780 (lCE CREAM MAN PLAYING) 2353 01:29:29,865 --> 01:29:31,991 ♪ Dedicate one to the ladies 2354 01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:33,534 ♪ Now, summertime's here, babe 2355 01:29:33,618 --> 01:29:35,453 ♪ Need something to keep you cool... 2356 01:29:36,121 --> 01:29:37,997 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 2357 01:29:38,540 --> 01:29:40,374 No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. 2358 01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:42,376 You fucked your teacher in the seventh grade. 2359 01:29:42,753 --> 01:29:44,920 ♪ Better look out now, though 2360 01:29:45,005 --> 01:29:46,422 ♪ Dave's got something for you... 2361 01:29:46,506 --> 01:29:47,548 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 2362 01:29:47,632 --> 01:29:49,300 Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you? 2363 01:29:49,593 --> 01:29:51,385 What room was my fiancee in again? 2364 01:29:51,845 --> 01:29:53,971 Let me check. 641 . 2365 01:29:54,473 --> 01:29:55,514 You're a fucking stud. 2366 01:29:55,599 --> 01:29:57,391 ♪ Stop me when l'm passing by... 2367 01:29:57,476 --> 01:29:59,268 Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here 2368 01:29:59,352 --> 01:30:01,395 using a fake name, you go with it! 2369 01:30:01,480 --> 01:30:02,730 All right, I will. 2370 01:30:03,315 --> 01:30:04,398 ♪ Hold on a second, baby 2371 01:30:04,983 --> 01:30:07,985 ♪ l got good lemonade, ah, Dixie cups ♪ 2372 01:30:08,236 --> 01:30:10,780 641 . 641 . 2373 01:30:10,906 --> 01:30:13,032 All right, come on, sweetheart. (THUD) 2374 01:30:13,116 --> 01:30:14,992 JAMIE: Oh, yeah ! 2375 01:30:15,452 --> 01:30:17,036 Oh ! Oh ! 2376 01:30:17,412 --> 01:30:18,496 What, did Todd come out here? 2377 01:30:18,580 --> 01:30:20,206 You're half the size of Todd, 2378 01:30:20,290 --> 01:30:23,000 but you use it so much better! 2379 01:30:23,126 --> 01:30:24,085 I guess not. 2380 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:26,295 Oh ! Oh, my God ! 2381 01:30:26,379 --> 01:30:27,588 Oh, my God. 2382 01:30:27,923 --> 01:30:29,256 Oh, my God ! 2383 01:30:29,341 --> 01:30:30,382 Oh, my God. 2384 01:30:31,384 --> 01:30:33,469 Oh, fucking shit! 2385 01:30:33,929 --> 01:30:35,137 Fucking shit. 2386 01:30:35,222 --> 01:30:36,305 Fucking shit! 2387 01:30:36,389 --> 01:30:37,389 Fucking shit. 2388 01:30:39,226 --> 01:30:40,601 Yeah. Okay. 2389 01:30:41,061 --> 01:30:43,104 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. (HORNS HONKING) 2390 01:30:58,120 --> 01:30:59,120 (CAP CLINKING) 2391 01:31:04,876 --> 01:31:06,085 (GRUNTS) Okay. 2392 01:31:07,295 --> 01:31:08,712 (JAMIE SQUEALING) 2393 01:31:09,422 --> 01:31:11,382 Yeah ! (LAUGHS) 2394 01:31:11,967 --> 01:31:13,968 You do not deserve these treats. 2395 01:31:14,052 --> 01:31:15,845 (MOANING) 2396 01:31:16,346 --> 01:31:17,555 Are you finished, sweetheart? 2397 01:31:17,639 --> 01:31:19,306 (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. 2398 01:31:19,683 --> 01:31:21,016 (CHUCKLES) 2399 01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,935 Your fiance's at home, you know. 2400 01:31:23,436 --> 01:31:24,979 This really gets me upset. 2401 01:31:25,230 --> 01:31:26,355 You know why? 2402 01:31:26,606 --> 01:31:27,940 'Cause he's too good for you. 2403 01:31:28,733 --> 01:31:29,900 He is. 2404 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:32,903 And you're sitting here gallivanting with. . . 2405 01:31:33,530 --> 01:31:35,114 I think I know who. 2406 01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:36,824 Don't I, 2407 01:31:36,908 --> 01:31:39,160 Mr. Steve Goldstein? 2408 01:31:44,541 --> 01:31:46,709 Wait. Are you. . . 2409 01:31:47,752 --> 01:31:48,919 What am I seeing? 2410 01:31:49,337 --> 01:31:51,130 No. . . It, uh. . . Uh. . . 2411 01:31:52,382 --> 01:31:53,465 With each other? 2412 01:31:54,759 --> 01:31:56,552 Am I. . . This is. . . 2413 01:31:57,304 --> 01:31:58,345 (GRUNTS) 2414 01:31:59,681 --> 01:32:02,474 Is he your stepbrother at least 2415 01:32:02,559 --> 01:32:04,768 or, uh, adopted or something? 2416 01:32:06,104 --> 01:32:07,104 No reply. 2417 01:32:07,355 --> 01:32:08,355 So it's real. 2418 01:32:08,440 --> 01:32:09,732 Oh, my God. (GAGS) 2419 01:32:09,816 --> 01:32:11,233 Uh, Donny, Donny, you don't. . . 2420 01:32:11,318 --> 01:32:12,526 You don't understand what's going on here. 2421 01:32:12,611 --> 01:32:15,738 I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here. 2422 01:32:16,406 --> 01:32:20,159 Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married, 2423 01:32:20,243 --> 01:32:21,785 and we're going to have a great life together. 2424 01:32:22,120 --> 01:32:25,831 And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time. 2425 01:32:25,916 --> 01:32:26,916 (GAGGING) 2426 01:32:27,375 --> 01:32:28,459 It's what good-looking people do. 2427 01:32:28,543 --> 01:32:30,669 They have sex with other good-looking people. 2428 01:32:31,004 --> 01:32:33,380 You know? Just so happens that this one particular 2429 01:32:33,465 --> 01:32:36,133 good-looking person is my little brother. 2430 01:32:36,301 --> 01:32:37,676 Oh, okay. 2431 01:32:38,303 --> 01:32:39,553 It's all making sense to me now. 2432 01:32:41,431 --> 01:32:42,473 (RETCHES) 2433 01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:45,601 I know that sounded bad, but, Donny, this was going to be the last time. 2434 01:32:45,894 --> 01:32:48,145 I would never carry on with a married woman. 2435 01:32:48,355 --> 01:32:50,481 I've got better morals than that, Donny. 2436 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:55,319 Chad, adultery is bad. . . 2437 01:32:55,654 --> 01:32:56,820 Mmm-hmm. 2438 01:32:57,239 --> 01:33:00,908 . . .but incest is fucked up! 2439 01:33:01,660 --> 01:33:04,787 Oh. . . Oh, please don't let him tell Mommy 2440 01:33:04,871 --> 01:33:06,080 about our secret tickle time. 2441 01:33:06,331 --> 01:33:08,082 Secret tickle time? 2442 01:33:08,166 --> 01:33:10,042 You got a name for it? 2443 01:33:10,335 --> 01:33:11,502 (GAGS) 2444 01:33:11,878 --> 01:33:15,714 And with a United States military man, no less. 2445 01:33:16,049 --> 01:33:18,592 You are a disgrace to that uniform ! 2446 01:33:18,677 --> 01:33:19,843 No, he's not a Marine. 2447 01:33:20,178 --> 01:33:21,512 He buys those uniforms on eBay 2448 01:33:21,596 --> 01:33:24,139 so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer. 2449 01:33:24,391 --> 01:33:25,516 What? 2450 01:33:25,600 --> 01:33:28,143 That's possibly worse than the incest thing. 2451 01:33:28,645 --> 01:33:31,063 This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd. 2452 01:33:31,147 --> 01:33:33,440 No, he won't believe you. Yeah, he will. 2453 01:33:33,692 --> 01:33:36,694 No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story. 2454 01:33:37,028 --> 01:33:38,112 Come on, you think he got 2455 01:33:38,196 --> 01:33:39,530 that partnership on his own? 2456 01:33:40,031 --> 01:33:41,323 With that "beep boop beep" shit? 2457 01:33:41,408 --> 01:33:42,408 No, I gave him a boost. 2458 01:33:43,285 --> 01:33:45,160 How many people have you fucked? 2459 01:33:45,954 --> 01:33:46,954 Well, maybe. . . 2460 01:33:47,038 --> 01:33:48,038 he'll believe this. 2461 01:33:48,832 --> 01:33:49,832 (CAMERA CLICKS) 2462 01:33:51,418 --> 01:33:53,294 Nice. Save. 2463 01:33:53,545 --> 01:33:54,545 (GASPS) 2464 01:33:55,255 --> 01:33:56,255 You two have fun together. 2465 01:33:57,424 --> 01:33:58,507 Sickies. 2466 01:33:58,675 --> 01:33:59,842 JAMIE: All right, how much? 2467 01:34:00,719 --> 01:34:01,844 I'm going to be a very rich woman. 2468 01:34:01,928 --> 01:34:03,220 I can write you a big fat check. 2469 01:34:03,888 --> 01:34:05,306 What's it going to take for this to go away? 2470 01:34:06,182 --> 01:34:09,601 Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens. 2471 01:34:10,603 --> 01:34:12,730 What do you think he's going to do when he finds out about this? 2472 01:34:13,732 --> 01:34:14,898 Todd's happy. 2473 01:34:15,525 --> 01:34:17,359 You really want to take that away? 2474 01:34:20,238 --> 01:34:21,322 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) 2475 01:34:21,406 --> 01:34:22,406 (LAUGHTER) 2476 01:34:35,170 --> 01:34:36,337 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 2477 01:34:37,672 --> 01:34:38,756 Hey, buddy. 2478 01:34:40,175 --> 01:34:42,217 I got something to tell you, and. . . 2479 01:34:43,762 --> 01:34:45,804 I'm not expecting you to believe this, but. . . 2480 01:34:48,183 --> 01:34:49,391 I got the money. 2481 01:34:49,893 --> 01:34:50,976 JIM OVER PHONE: That's great, Donny. 2482 01:34:51,436 --> 01:34:53,020 Your son came through for you, didn't he? 2483 01:34:53,605 --> 01:34:57,107 Yeah. His fiancee gave me $50,000 2484 01:34:57,192 --> 01:35:00,486 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother. 2485 01:35:00,737 --> 01:35:02,071 Yeah, I've been there. 2486 01:35:02,530 --> 01:35:03,781 We've all been there. 2487 01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:06,658 She said it was her last time, so. . . 2488 01:35:07,327 --> 01:35:09,119 Oh. Maybe things will work out. 2489 01:35:09,954 --> 01:35:11,955 Then how come I feel like shit right now? 2490 01:35:12,832 --> 01:35:14,500 Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket. 2491 01:35:15,001 --> 01:35:16,043 But the good news is, 2492 01:35:16,127 --> 01:35:18,212 you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny? 2493 01:35:20,298 --> 01:35:21,465 Donny? 2494 01:35:33,520 --> 01:35:34,853 "Go do something." 2495 01:35:36,773 --> 01:35:37,815 I don't know, Mr. Mitty. 2496 01:35:37,899 --> 01:35:39,983 I don't know if I can fucking handle it. 2497 01:35:41,986 --> 01:35:43,695 "Be a good person." 2498 01:35:46,324 --> 01:35:47,324 JIM OVER PHONE: Donny? 2499 01:35:54,874 --> 01:35:56,250 Oh, no, no, don't hit me. No, no. 2500 01:35:56,334 --> 01:35:57,751 Just give me a moment, please, Todd. 2501 01:35:57,836 --> 01:35:59,128 Just a moment. Relax. 2502 01:35:59,754 --> 01:36:01,797 You know, after praying with the monsignor, 2503 01:36:02,257 --> 01:36:04,007 I realize that I committed the sin 2504 01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,510 of prideful anger in the church, 2505 01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:09,513 and I hope that you'll accept my apology 2506 01:36:09,931 --> 01:36:11,807 and allow me the honor 2507 01:36:11,891 --> 01:36:13,642 of being a part of this joyous day. 2508 01:36:14,227 --> 01:36:15,978 Oh, well, what about Father Shakalu? 2509 01:36:17,564 --> 01:36:18,939 Oh, stupid bird. 2510 01:36:19,023 --> 01:36:20,190 Come on, fly! 2511 01:36:21,067 --> 01:36:23,026 Oh, well, uh, he's cool. 2512 01:36:24,028 --> 01:36:25,320 Great. Sounds good. 2513 01:36:25,655 --> 01:36:26,697 Oh, oh. . . 2514 01:36:26,990 --> 01:36:28,282 By the way, Todd, uh, 2515 01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:31,118 was it you that hit me in the head with the bottle? 2516 01:36:31,870 --> 01:36:33,370 Oh. No. 2517 01:36:34,080 --> 01:36:35,873 Well, then, um, who, then? 2518 01:36:37,667 --> 01:36:38,834 It was Chad. 2519 01:36:39,377 --> 01:36:40,419 Interesting. 2520 01:36:41,796 --> 01:36:43,380 Two, three, four. 2521 01:36:43,548 --> 01:36:44,798 Fosse, and Fosse, 2522 01:36:45,258 --> 01:36:46,467 and Fosse. Interesting. 2523 01:36:48,887 --> 01:36:50,804 Yo! Donny Berger! All right! 2524 01:36:50,889 --> 01:36:52,139 I'd sign something for you, buddy, 2525 01:36:52,223 --> 01:36:53,640 but I got no time right now. 2526 01:36:54,225 --> 01:36:55,309 Ice! 2527 01:36:55,560 --> 01:36:57,144 Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you ! 2528 01:36:59,022 --> 01:37:00,397 You still got the 5.0? 2529 01:37:02,400 --> 01:37:04,651 What does that mean? Is that a yes or no? I don't understand the pose. 2530 01:37:04,736 --> 01:37:05,944 Yeah? 2531 01:37:06,029 --> 01:37:07,029 Let's go, let's go! 2532 01:37:07,906 --> 01:37:09,490 (ENGINE REVING) 2533 01:37:09,908 --> 01:37:11,200 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2534 01:37:11,284 --> 01:37:13,952 (EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN EVERYTHlNG ELSE PLAYING) 2535 01:37:15,413 --> 01:37:16,580 (HORN BLARING) 2536 01:37:17,749 --> 01:37:18,999 Go, baby, go! 2537 01:37:19,334 --> 01:37:22,336 ♪ l know that l will never be politically correct 2538 01:37:25,757 --> 01:37:29,176 ♪ And l don't give a damn about my lack of etiquette 2539 01:37:32,096 --> 01:37:35,307 ♪ As far as I'm concerned, the world could still be flat 2540 01:37:38,186 --> 01:37:39,895 ♪ And if the thrill is gone 2541 01:37:39,979 --> 01:37:41,480 ♪ Then it's time to take it back 2542 01:37:41,564 --> 01:37:43,065 ♪ lf the thrill is gone 2543 01:37:43,149 --> 01:37:44,775 ♪ Then it's time to take it back 2544 01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:50,531 ♪ Who am l? Why am l here? 2545 01:37:52,742 --> 01:37:54,535 Oh, no! (TRUCK HORN BLARING) 2546 01:37:54,786 --> 01:37:56,036 (BOTH SHOUTING) 2547 01:37:57,163 --> 01:37:58,413 (DONNY LAUGHS) 2548 01:37:59,874 --> 01:38:01,500 ♪ What's the meaning of life? 2549 01:38:01,584 --> 01:38:03,210 ♪ What's the meaning of it all? 2550 01:38:06,798 --> 01:38:12,719 ♪ You got to learn to dance before you learn to crawl 2551 01:38:17,267 --> 01:38:18,934 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2552 01:38:19,477 --> 01:38:21,853 Look at this fucking guy! (HORN BLARING) 2553 01:38:22,647 --> 01:38:23,689 Oh, man ! 2554 01:38:25,108 --> 01:38:26,608 ♪ Don't worry about the future 2555 01:38:26,693 --> 01:38:28,026 ♪ Sooner or later, it's the past 2556 01:38:28,111 --> 01:38:29,611 ♪ lf they say the thrill is gone 2557 01:38:29,696 --> 01:38:31,238 ♪ Then it's time to take it back 2558 01:38:31,322 --> 01:38:32,823 ♪ lf the thrill is gone 2559 01:38:32,907 --> 01:38:34,408 ♪ Then it's time to take it back ♪ 2560 01:38:36,327 --> 01:38:37,369 Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 2561 01:38:37,453 --> 01:38:38,912 We're stuck! We're stuck! 2562 01:38:38,997 --> 01:38:40,914 To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man. 2563 01:38:41,165 --> 01:38:42,583 But we need great tunes! 2564 01:38:42,667 --> 01:38:43,667 Come on, let's get them ! 2565 01:38:43,751 --> 01:38:45,627 (MUSIC STOPS) VANILLA ICE: Right here, I got a Walkman. 2566 01:38:45,837 --> 01:38:47,254 DONNY: The Walkman ! Yeah, baby. 2567 01:38:47,463 --> 01:38:48,422 (ICE ICE BABY PLAYING) 2568 01:38:48,506 --> 01:38:49,423 ♪ Let's kick it 2569 01:38:49,507 --> 01:38:50,549 Let's go! 2570 01:38:50,842 --> 01:38:52,467 ♪ lce, lce, baby 2571 01:38:53,886 --> 01:38:55,220 Damn it, man ! Come on ! Let's go! 2572 01:38:55,430 --> 01:38:56,513 Oh, my God ! 2573 01:38:56,848 --> 01:38:57,848 ♪ All right, stop 2574 01:38:57,932 --> 01:38:59,266 ♪ Collaborate and listen 2575 01:38:59,350 --> 01:39:00,475 Hey! Whoa! 2576 01:39:00,977 --> 01:39:03,186 ♪ Something grabs a hold of me tightly 2577 01:39:03,271 --> 01:39:05,272 ♪ Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly 2578 01:39:05,356 --> 01:39:07,357 ♪ Will it ever stop? ♪ Yo, I don't know 2579 01:39:07,442 --> 01:39:09,318 ♪ Turn off the lights, and l'll glow 2580 01:39:09,402 --> 01:39:10,944 ♪ To the extreme, l rock a mic... 2581 01:39:11,029 --> 01:39:13,196 GIRLS: You forgot to pay! 2582 01:39:13,615 --> 01:39:16,825 So, Jamie, do you promise to provide Todd here 2583 01:39:16,909 --> 01:39:20,370 with unending empathy, encouragement and honesty, 2584 01:39:21,205 --> 01:39:22,331 till death do you part? 2585 01:39:23,041 --> 01:39:24,625 I do. (SIGH) 2586 01:39:25,918 --> 01:39:27,127 ♪ lf there was a problem 2587 01:39:27,211 --> 01:39:28,211 ♪ Yo, I'll solve it 2588 01:39:28,379 --> 01:39:29,421 Hey, Donny. 2589 01:39:29,714 --> 01:39:30,797 Come on ! 2590 01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:32,007 ♪ lce, lce, baby ♪ 2591 01:39:32,091 --> 01:39:33,216 Whoa! 2592 01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:34,426 (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) 2593 01:39:35,178 --> 01:39:36,428 (PANTING) 2594 01:39:37,263 --> 01:39:38,680 What are you doing, guy? 2595 01:39:38,890 --> 01:39:40,057 You jumped? 2596 01:39:40,475 --> 01:39:42,309 There was a door right here! 2597 01:39:42,393 --> 01:39:44,061 Come on, we got to get there! 2598 01:39:44,646 --> 01:39:45,896 (GROANING) 2599 01:39:46,898 --> 01:39:48,440 And you, Todd, do you promise to love, 2600 01:39:48,524 --> 01:39:51,151 honor and protect this special lady 2601 01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,402 for the rest of your life? 2602 01:39:54,572 --> 01:39:56,239 DONNY: Don't answer that question ! 2603 01:39:56,866 --> 01:39:57,908 (CROWD MURMURING) 2604 01:39:58,576 --> 01:39:59,826 (PANTING) 2605 01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:03,705 Oh, shit. 2606 01:40:05,333 --> 01:40:06,667 (WHEEZING) 2607 01:40:06,876 --> 01:40:10,253 We ran well over. . . a mile. 2608 01:40:13,424 --> 01:40:14,800 (WHEEZING) 2609 01:40:22,975 --> 01:40:24,976 I object to these two getting married. 2610 01:40:25,269 --> 01:40:26,812 (CROWD GASPS) 2611 01:40:26,896 --> 01:40:30,315 No, uh, we are, we're past that part already. 2612 01:40:31,109 --> 01:40:32,401 What are my options, then? 2613 01:40:32,652 --> 01:40:33,652 How about leaving? 2614 01:40:33,736 --> 01:40:36,238 You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag ! 2615 01:40:36,447 --> 01:40:37,447 Hey! 2616 01:40:37,532 --> 01:40:39,866 Gerald ! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh, 2617 01:40:39,951 --> 01:40:42,327 but you'll understand why I said that in a few minutes. 2618 01:40:42,495 --> 01:40:43,870 There ain't gonna be a few minutes, 2619 01:40:44,122 --> 01:40:45,580 you goddamn son of a bitch ! Calm down ! 2620 01:40:45,665 --> 01:40:47,624 Calm down ! (CROWD GASPS) 2621 01:40:48,251 --> 01:40:49,626 Let the boy talk. 2622 01:40:50,044 --> 01:40:51,586 DONNY: I can't let you marry this chick. 2623 01:40:52,004 --> 01:40:53,130 I can't believe you're doing this. 2624 01:40:53,214 --> 01:40:54,506 Listen to me, buddy. 2625 01:40:55,133 --> 01:40:56,633 You don't love this girl. 2626 01:40:56,926 --> 01:40:57,884 I'm telling you. 2627 01:40:57,969 --> 01:40:59,302 I had love, it's different. 2628 01:40:59,387 --> 01:41:00,679 It's a different feeling. 2629 01:41:01,222 --> 01:41:02,472 Love is like. . . 2630 01:41:03,641 --> 01:41:06,309 It just leads you to a special connection. 2631 01:41:06,686 --> 01:41:10,063 It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. 2632 01:41:10,148 --> 01:41:11,815 And the feelings 2633 01:41:11,899 --> 01:41:14,818 you. . . That wrap around you. 2634 01:41:15,194 --> 01:41:17,237 It's deep in your stomach. 2635 01:41:17,321 --> 01:41:19,698 It's in your head. It's in your fucking nut sack. 2636 01:41:20,658 --> 01:41:22,159 It's in your dick when it gets hard. 2637 01:41:22,243 --> 01:41:23,535 There's still love at the tip. 2638 01:41:23,911 --> 01:41:25,829 And it fucking sprinkles out 2639 01:41:26,539 --> 01:41:29,291 like morning dew shooting all over the grass. 2640 01:41:30,168 --> 01:41:32,502 Okay, I've had just about enough of this. 2641 01:41:32,670 --> 01:41:33,920 Phil, sit down before I tell your wife 2642 01:41:34,005 --> 01:41:35,046 what you did at the strip club. 2643 01:41:35,173 --> 01:41:36,214 Okay. (CROWD GASPS) 2644 01:41:38,092 --> 01:41:42,345 Son, I'm sorry, I just, I can't let you marry this skank. 2645 01:41:42,847 --> 01:41:44,014 "Son?" 2646 01:41:44,140 --> 01:41:45,724 Your son? Son? 2647 01:41:45,933 --> 01:41:47,601 What is he talking about? 2648 01:41:47,685 --> 01:41:48,852 Honey? 2649 01:41:49,270 --> 01:41:50,562 You can tell me. 2650 01:41:51,397 --> 01:41:52,773 I'll forgive you. 2651 01:41:53,775 --> 01:41:55,776 That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness. 2652 01:41:57,779 --> 01:41:59,029 All right, fine. 2653 01:42:00,865 --> 01:42:02,532 Donny's not my best friend. 2654 01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:04,618 He's my father. 2655 01:42:04,702 --> 01:42:06,244 (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my. . . 2656 01:42:06,329 --> 01:42:08,205 My parents didn't die in an explosion. 2657 01:42:09,248 --> 01:42:10,791 I lied because I'm the product of 2658 01:42:10,875 --> 01:42:13,210 an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. 2659 01:42:13,753 --> 01:42:15,629 Teacher-student relationship? 2660 01:42:17,507 --> 01:42:19,007 Do you know how gross that sounds? 2661 01:42:19,091 --> 01:42:20,091 You're disgusting ! 2662 01:42:20,551 --> 01:42:22,052 Are you fucking kidding me right now? 2663 01:42:22,512 --> 01:42:24,304 She can still cancel that check, Donny! 2664 01:42:24,806 --> 01:42:25,806 Chad. 2665 01:42:25,890 --> 01:42:26,890 Cancel what check? 2666 01:42:27,058 --> 01:42:28,016 I don't. . . 2667 01:42:28,100 --> 01:42:30,477 She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut. 2668 01:42:30,770 --> 01:42:31,770 (CROWD GASPS) 2669 01:42:32,188 --> 01:42:33,647 50 grand? Jamie. 2670 01:42:33,940 --> 01:42:36,733 Yeah, it was, uh. . . I was gonna hold on to it, 2671 01:42:36,818 --> 01:42:38,360 you know, to get me out of jail, but. . . 2672 01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:41,530 Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that. 2673 01:42:41,614 --> 01:42:43,198 That's how much I hate this fucking whore. 2674 01:42:43,407 --> 01:42:45,325 Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what? 2675 01:42:45,409 --> 01:42:46,618 JAMIE: Todd, don't listen to him. 2676 01:42:46,702 --> 01:42:48,203 He's a liar and he's crazy! 2677 01:42:48,621 --> 01:42:50,497 Father McNally, please continue. I promise to do 2678 01:42:50,581 --> 01:42:52,290 all that shit you mentioned and so does Todd, right? 2679 01:42:52,375 --> 01:42:53,625 Wait, what is going on? 2680 01:42:54,293 --> 01:42:55,335 Tell him. 2681 01:42:56,546 --> 01:42:58,046 No, no, no, no, no. Don't tell him, don't tell him. 2682 01:42:58,589 --> 01:43:00,757 You tell him or I'll tell everybody here. It's up to you. 2683 01:43:03,761 --> 01:43:04,803 (STUTTERS SOFTLY) 2684 01:43:07,306 --> 01:43:08,348 Come on. 2685 01:43:14,730 --> 01:43:15,730 (WHISPERS) 2686 01:43:21,028 --> 01:43:22,195 Oh. Okay. 2687 01:43:22,280 --> 01:43:23,405 Well, that's not that bad. 2688 01:43:23,614 --> 01:43:26,741 What? You didn't tell him, you fucking lying piece of shit! 2689 01:43:26,826 --> 01:43:27,826 Get on it now 2690 01:43:27,910 --> 01:43:29,452 or I'll fucking crush you ! 2691 01:43:29,620 --> 01:43:30,662 No. 2692 01:43:31,122 --> 01:43:34,040 Jame, you can tell me. 2693 01:43:34,125 --> 01:43:35,417 I mean, how bad could it be? 2694 01:43:59,483 --> 01:44:00,567 What? 2695 01:44:00,651 --> 01:44:01,776 Okay, she told him. 2696 01:44:03,863 --> 01:44:04,863 What? 2697 01:44:06,782 --> 01:44:08,325 (GROANS LOUDLY) 2698 01:44:10,536 --> 01:44:11,995 You fuck your brother? 2699 01:44:12,204 --> 01:44:14,289 (CROWD GASPS LOUDLY) Oh, my God ! 2700 01:44:16,417 --> 01:44:18,084 Fucking white people. 2701 01:44:19,337 --> 01:44:20,712 (LAUGHS) 2702 01:44:21,005 --> 01:44:24,007 I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad? (LAUGHS) 2703 01:44:24,675 --> 01:44:25,675 I'm. . . I'm out of here. 2704 01:44:26,010 --> 01:44:28,595 Mom, she started all this. 2705 01:44:28,679 --> 01:44:30,805 I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I. . . 2706 01:44:31,307 --> 01:44:32,307 Fuck! 2707 01:44:32,391 --> 01:44:33,433 Take that uniform off. 2708 01:44:33,517 --> 01:44:35,143 You're insulting us all. 2709 01:44:35,436 --> 01:44:37,145 No, no, no. Don't you see? 2710 01:44:37,688 --> 01:44:39,189 It's gonna be even better now. 2711 01:44:39,941 --> 01:44:41,816 You're a mess, I'm a mess. 2712 01:44:42,151 --> 01:44:44,778 Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here! 2713 01:44:45,071 --> 01:44:46,780 I got to be part of this shit? 2714 01:44:47,114 --> 01:44:48,198 Todd? 2715 01:44:48,324 --> 01:44:49,532 Please. 2716 01:44:56,082 --> 01:44:57,123 Come on, baby. 2717 01:44:57,208 --> 01:44:58,708 Come on, Todd, let's do this. 2718 01:44:58,793 --> 01:44:59,793 Yeah, yeah. 2719 01:44:59,877 --> 01:45:00,877 No! 2720 01:45:00,962 --> 01:45:02,712 Let's not do this. 2721 01:45:03,130 --> 01:45:04,214 Okay? 2722 01:45:04,882 --> 01:45:08,551 And for the record, my name's not Todd Peterson. 2723 01:45:09,053 --> 01:45:10,553 It's Han Solo. 2724 01:45:11,013 --> 01:45:11,972 Named after the man who made 2725 01:45:12,056 --> 01:45:14,140 the Kessel Run in less than 1 2 parsecs. 2726 01:45:15,017 --> 01:45:18,103 And I am a Berger, like my father before me. 2727 01:45:18,396 --> 01:45:19,354 Also, I want to tell 2728 01:45:19,438 --> 01:45:20,438 everyone here that I've got 2729 01:45:20,523 --> 01:45:22,983 a pretty huge New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back. 2730 01:45:23,067 --> 01:45:25,276 The heads are warped, but fuck you, guys, it's funny. 2731 01:45:25,444 --> 01:45:27,153 (CHUCKLES) It is fucking hilarious. 2732 01:45:27,488 --> 01:45:28,571 Oh, and Steve? 2733 01:45:28,823 --> 01:45:30,448 Uh, nothing personal, man, 2734 01:45:30,533 --> 01:45:32,367 but I quit! 2735 01:45:32,743 --> 01:45:35,078 Aw, no, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that, huh? 2736 01:45:35,538 --> 01:45:37,747 Ah ! We quit, too. 2737 01:45:38,290 --> 01:45:39,457 Fuck you ! 2738 01:45:39,625 --> 01:45:41,042 VANILLA ICE: Good call, Han Solo, 2739 01:45:41,127 --> 01:45:42,711 'cause your fiancee banged him, too. 2740 01:45:42,795 --> 01:45:44,045 (CROWD GASPS) What? 2741 01:45:44,130 --> 01:45:45,797 I didn't know about the brother thing, though. 2742 01:45:46,090 --> 01:45:48,341 I am as sickened as you, believe me. 2743 01:45:48,592 --> 01:45:50,176 You know what? It's all right, Steve. 2744 01:45:50,428 --> 01:45:51,469 'Cause guess what? 2745 01:45:51,554 --> 01:45:54,097 Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom ! 2746 01:45:54,181 --> 01:45:55,306 (CROWD GASPS) 2747 01:45:55,391 --> 01:45:57,350 Vanilla Ice banged Grandma? 2748 01:45:57,560 --> 01:45:59,310 That's fucking awesome! 2749 01:45:59,395 --> 01:46:00,603 (LAUGHS) 2750 01:46:02,440 --> 01:46:03,440 Donny, look out! 2751 01:46:03,691 --> 01:46:05,150 (SCREAMING) 2752 01:46:05,776 --> 01:46:06,860 (BOTTLE CLANKS) 2753 01:46:08,195 --> 01:46:09,946 Word to your mother, brotherfucker! 2754 01:46:10,656 --> 01:46:12,574 I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick, 2755 01:46:12,658 --> 01:46:14,492 but I-I got to tell you, it felt good. 2756 01:46:14,577 --> 01:46:16,161 (CHUCKLES) I mean, I wouldn't do it again, 2757 01:46:16,245 --> 01:46:18,246 but with this psycho, you know, it was warranted. 2758 01:46:18,581 --> 01:46:20,373 Donny! I'm gonna kill you ! 2759 01:46:20,458 --> 01:46:21,750 (CROWD GASPS) 2760 01:46:21,834 --> 01:46:22,959 (BOTTLE CLANKS) 2761 01:46:24,003 --> 01:46:25,336 At ease, bitch. 2762 01:46:25,588 --> 01:46:26,921 Dude! That's it! 2763 01:46:27,006 --> 01:46:28,048 Nice! 2764 01:46:28,132 --> 01:46:29,340 Hang on, though. Hang on. 2765 01:46:29,467 --> 01:46:30,592 Oh, no, don't hurt me. 2766 01:46:35,097 --> 01:46:36,306 Even Steven. 2767 01:46:37,141 --> 01:46:38,224 DONNY: Father, 2768 01:46:38,309 --> 01:46:39,392 take off the collar. 2769 01:46:40,478 --> 01:46:41,478 That's right. 2770 01:46:41,562 --> 01:46:42,645 You're not meant for this. 2771 01:46:43,814 --> 01:46:45,190 Well. . . Yeah. 2772 01:46:45,566 --> 01:46:46,691 Nicely done. 2773 01:46:46,984 --> 01:46:48,568 All right, come on. 2774 01:46:49,028 --> 01:46:50,195 Let's get out of here, Dad. 2775 01:46:51,489 --> 01:46:53,865 Did you hear that? Did you hear that? 2776 01:46:54,033 --> 01:46:56,076 My son called me Dad ! 2777 01:46:56,619 --> 01:46:57,911 He called me Dad ! 2778 01:46:57,995 --> 01:47:00,413 That's right! The Berger boys are back, bitches! 2779 01:47:00,498 --> 01:47:02,499 BOTH: Wassup? 2780 01:47:02,625 --> 01:47:03,792 Wassup? 2781 01:47:04,043 --> 01:47:05,668 Wassup. . . 2782 01:47:06,128 --> 01:47:07,420 (HOLD YOUR HEAD UP PLAYING) 2783 01:47:07,505 --> 01:47:09,464 ♪ Hold your head up 2784 01:47:09,548 --> 01:47:11,466 ♪ Oh, hoId your head up ♪ 2785 01:47:12,635 --> 01:47:13,927 (LAUGHTER) 2786 01:47:14,011 --> 01:47:15,011 Shut up. 2787 01:47:15,096 --> 01:47:17,097 His boss and her brother? 2788 01:47:17,723 --> 01:47:19,057 It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, 2789 01:47:19,141 --> 01:47:21,267 but it actually happened to my boy here! (LAUGHTER) 2790 01:47:21,519 --> 01:47:24,104 N-Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls. 2791 01:47:24,188 --> 01:47:26,106 One that don't care about all that money he make. (CHUCKLES) 2792 01:47:26,190 --> 01:47:27,232 No, no. 2793 01:47:27,316 --> 01:47:28,608 Yeah, like a girl version 2794 01:47:28,692 --> 01:47:30,777 of Todd Bridges would be perfect. BRIDGES: That's right! 2795 01:47:30,861 --> 01:47:32,112 Female version of me. That's right. 2796 01:47:32,196 --> 01:47:33,488 Well, you know, I actually might be 2797 01:47:33,572 --> 01:47:35,240 doing okay in that department, so. . . 2798 01:47:35,366 --> 01:47:36,407 DONNY: What's that? 2799 01:47:36,492 --> 01:47:37,700 What the fuck. . . What the heck? Oh ! 2800 01:47:37,827 --> 01:47:39,744 Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree. 2801 01:47:40,121 --> 01:47:41,121 (LAUGHS) 2802 01:47:41,205 --> 01:47:43,039 I have balls down to my knee! 2803 01:47:43,290 --> 01:47:44,290 (LAUGHTER) What? 2804 01:47:44,375 --> 01:47:46,042 DONNY: Ah, he said it! Yeah ! 2805 01:47:46,377 --> 01:47:47,418 KENNY: Donny! 2806 01:47:47,503 --> 01:47:48,461 Yeah, buddy? 2807 01:47:48,546 --> 01:47:49,546 You're my best friend. 2808 01:47:49,630 --> 01:47:50,713 I'm gonna miss you. 2809 01:47:52,258 --> 01:47:53,508 I know, I know. 2810 01:47:53,759 --> 01:47:54,801 But there's good news. 2811 01:47:54,885 --> 01:47:56,928 You know what, Miss McGarricle gets out in three years, 2812 01:47:57,012 --> 01:47:58,763 so the timing's kind of perfect 2813 01:47:58,848 --> 01:48:00,390 for us to start our lives together. 2814 01:48:00,808 --> 01:48:02,100 Dad, let me just give you the money. 2815 01:48:02,184 --> 01:48:03,143 No. No. 2816 01:48:03,227 --> 01:48:04,269 I'm not gonna do that. 2817 01:48:04,353 --> 01:48:05,562 It's time for Donny Berger 2818 01:48:05,646 --> 01:48:07,814 to take responsibility for his screw-ups. 2819 01:48:08,399 --> 01:48:10,733 I made my bed, now I got to lie in it. 2820 01:48:11,152 --> 01:48:12,819 Donny! Donny! Are you watching? 2821 01:48:13,237 --> 01:48:14,779 Turn on the TV! Turn it on ! 2822 01:48:15,114 --> 01:48:16,948 ANNOUNCER: There he is, the fat guy we've been 2823 01:48:17,032 --> 01:48:18,825 talking about all day, Tubby Tuke, 2824 01:48:18,909 --> 01:48:21,161 actually gaining on the Ethiopians 2825 01:48:21,245 --> 01:48:22,453 here in the final stretch. 2826 01:48:22,538 --> 01:48:24,789 Is-is this the fat guy I put the money on? 2827 01:48:24,915 --> 01:48:26,916 20 bucks at 8,000-to-1 . 2828 01:48:27,251 --> 01:48:28,293 Beep boop beep boop beep. 2829 01:48:28,377 --> 01:48:29,669 1 60 grand? 1 60 grand? 2830 01:48:29,753 --> 01:48:31,171 DONNY: Come on, you fat shit, move it! 2831 01:48:31,255 --> 01:48:33,089 ALL: Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby! (CLAMORING) 2832 01:48:33,174 --> 01:48:34,674 Keep running ! Keep running ! 2833 01:48:35,593 --> 01:48:37,343 Pass those Ethiopians! 2834 01:48:37,636 --> 01:48:39,762 Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians! 2835 01:48:40,181 --> 01:48:41,431 (CLAMORING) 2836 01:48:41,807 --> 01:48:44,934 Oh, this defies every law of science, but it's happening ! 2837 01:48:47,938 --> 01:48:49,606 Oh ! Get the fuck up! 2838 01:48:50,316 --> 01:48:51,649 Get the fuck up! 2839 01:48:53,611 --> 01:48:54,777 (CHEERING) Oh, he's up! 2840 01:48:54,862 --> 01:48:55,904 He's up! He's up! 2841 01:48:58,782 --> 01:49:00,700 That'll replenish him ! That'll replenish him ! 2842 01:49:00,784 --> 01:49:01,784 No! 2843 01:49:02,703 --> 01:49:03,995 ANNOUNCER: Oh, Iisten to the roar of that crowd. 2844 01:49:04,079 --> 01:49:05,121 CROWD: (CHANTING) Fat guy! Fat guy! 2845 01:49:05,414 --> 01:49:07,332 Fat guy! Fat guy! 2846 01:49:08,375 --> 01:49:09,584 ANNOUNCER: Can he possibIy win it? 2847 01:49:09,668 --> 01:49:10,668 He's gonna do it! 2848 01:49:12,504 --> 01:49:13,546 Tubby Tuke has won! (CHEERING) 2849 01:49:13,631 --> 01:49:14,631 (LOVE SONG PLAYING) 2850 01:49:14,715 --> 01:49:16,633 ♪ Love will find a way 2851 01:49:20,429 --> 01:49:23,056 Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins! 2852 01:49:23,724 --> 01:49:26,434 ♪ Love is gonna find a way ♪ 2853 01:49:30,105 --> 01:49:32,023 (DANCE THE NlGHT AWAY PLAYING) 2854 01:49:43,786 --> 01:49:45,828 ♪ Have you seen her? 2855 01:49:46,080 --> 01:49:47,914 ♪ So fine and pretty 2856 01:49:47,998 --> 01:49:51,167 ♪ Fooled me with her style and ease 2857 01:49:51,252 --> 01:49:55,088 ♪ And l feel her from across the room 2858 01:49:55,172 --> 01:49:57,924 ♪ Yes, it's love in the third degree 2859 01:49:59,885 --> 01:50:02,553 ♪ Ooh, baby, baby 2860 01:50:02,638 --> 01:50:05,765 ♪ Won't you turn your head my way? 2861 01:50:07,351 --> 01:50:09,811 ♪ Ooh, baby, baby 2862 01:50:09,895 --> 01:50:12,355 ♪ Ah, come on Take a chance 2863 01:50:12,439 --> 01:50:13,815 ♪ You're old enough to 2864 01:50:13,899 --> 01:50:18,528 ♪ Dance the night away 2865 01:50:20,531 --> 01:50:21,614 ♪ Whoa-oh 2866 01:50:21,699 --> 01:50:23,449 ♪ Come on, girI 2867 01:50:23,534 --> 01:50:26,035 ♪ Dance the night away 2868 01:50:28,372 --> 01:50:32,333 ♪ A live wire, barely a beginner 2869 01:50:32,418 --> 01:50:35,378 ♪ But just watch that lady go 2870 01:50:35,838 --> 01:50:40,300 ♪ She's on fire, 'cause dancin' gets her higher than 2871 01:50:40,384 --> 01:50:43,803 ♪ Anything else she knows 2872 01:50:44,513 --> 01:50:47,265 ♪ Ooh, baby, baby 2873 01:50:47,349 --> 01:50:50,560 ♪ Won't you turn your head my way? 2874 01:50:51,895 --> 01:50:54,731 ♪ Ooh, baby, baby 2875 01:50:54,815 --> 01:50:56,858 ♪ Well, don't skip romance 'cause 2876 01:50:56,942 --> 01:50:58,735 ♪ You're old enough to 2877 01:50:58,819 --> 01:51:03,364 ♪ Dance the night away 2878 01:51:05,200 --> 01:51:06,326 ♪ Oh-oh-oh 2879 01:51:06,410 --> 01:51:08,161 ♪ Come on, girI 2880 01:51:08,245 --> 01:51:47,533 ♪ Dance the night away 2881 01:51:50,496 --> 01:51:54,624 ♪ Dance, dance, dance the night away 2882 01:51:56,627 --> 01:51:57,627 ♪ Ah, come on 2883 01:51:57,711 --> 01:52:02,215 ♪ Dance the night away 2884 01:52:05,135 --> 01:52:09,430 ♪ Dance, dance, dance the night away 2885 01:52:09,515 --> 01:52:12,475 ♪ Ah, come on, baby, baby 2886 01:52:12,559 --> 01:52:16,813 ♪ Dance the night away 2887 01:52:19,900 --> 01:52:23,486 ♪ Dance, dance, dance the night away ♪ 2888 01:52:24,863 --> 01:52:27,448 (LAWD HA VE MERCY PLAYING)