1
00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:24,055
SPAULDING:
# Hello, I must be going
2
00:00:24,122 --> 00:00:25,357
# I cannot stay
3
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,692
# I came to say,
I must be going
4
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,161
# I'm glad I came
5
00:00:29,228 --> 00:00:30,895
# But just the same
I must be going
6
00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:32,264
# La, la
7
00:00:32,331 --> 00:00:34,031
MRS. RITTENHOUSE:
# For my sake you must stay
8
00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:35,633
# If you should go away
9
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:38,670
# You spoil this party
I am throwing
10
00:00:38,737 --> 00:00:40,605
SPAULDING:
# I'll stay a week or two
11
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:43,375
# I'll stay the summer thru
12
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:46,110
# But I am telling you
13
00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:50,282
# I must be going
14
00:00:50,349 --> 00:00:52,149
CHORUS: # Before you go
15
00:00:52,217 --> 00:00:54,018
# Will you oblige us
16
00:00:54,086 --> 00:00:58,055
# And tell us of
your deeds so glowing?
17
00:00:58,123 --> 00:00:59,557
SPAULDING:
# I'll do anything you say
18
00:00:59,625 --> 00:01:01,025
# In fact I'll even stay!
19
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:02,494
CHORUS: # Good!
20
00:01:02,561 --> 00:01:06,964
SPAULDING:
# But I must be going #
21
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:10,251
BORIS: That's not
what I'm saying,
you imbecile.
22
00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:12,420
God, you completely
misrepresent my ideas!
23
00:01:12,488 --> 00:01:13,755
Why am I even bothering
talking to such idiots?
24
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:14,923
Boris, calm down.
25
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:17,091
No, don't tell me to...
I am calm.
26
00:01:17,159 --> 00:01:18,159
Don't jump on us
just because
27
00:01:18,227 --> 00:01:19,427
we don't understand
what you're saying.
28
00:01:19,495 --> 00:01:20,896
I didn't jump on you.
29
00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:22,764
It's not the idea
behind Christianity
I'm faulting,
30
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,966
or Judaism,
or any religion.
31
00:01:25,034 --> 00:01:27,502
It's the professionals
who've made it into
a corporate business.
32
00:01:27,570 --> 00:01:29,571
There's big money
in the God racket.
Big money.
33
00:01:29,639 --> 00:01:31,039
Here we go.
- We know, Boris.
34
00:01:31,106 --> 00:01:33,374
Hey, the basic
teachings of Jesus
are quite wonderful.
35
00:01:33,442 --> 00:01:35,911
So, by the way,
is the original intention
of Karl Marx. Okay?
36
00:01:35,978 --> 00:01:37,412
Oh.
37
00:01:37,479 --> 00:01:39,814
Hey, what could be bad?
Everybody should
share equally.
38
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:43,117
Do unto others. Democracy.
Government by the people.
39
00:01:43,185 --> 00:01:45,420
All great ideas.
These are all great ideas,
40
00:01:45,487 --> 00:01:48,690
but they all suffer
from one fatal flaw.
41
00:01:48,758 --> 00:01:50,124
Which is?
Yeah, what's that?
42
00:01:50,192 --> 00:01:53,361
Which is they're
all based on the
fallacious notion
43
00:01:53,429 --> 00:01:56,297
that people are
fundamentally decent.
44
00:01:56,365 --> 00:01:58,800
Give them
a chance to do right
and they'll take it.
45
00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,169
They're not stupid,
selfish, greedy,
46
00:02:01,236 --> 00:02:02,971
cowardly,
short-sighted worms.
47
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,039
They do the best
they can.
48
00:02:04,106 --> 00:02:05,173
Speak for yourself, man.
Speak for yourself.
49
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:06,808
All I'm saying is
that people make life
50
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,777
so much worse
than it has to be
51
00:02:08,844 --> 00:02:11,446
and, believe me,
it's a nightmare
without their help.
52
00:02:11,513 --> 00:02:14,849
But on the whole,
I'm sorry to say,
we're a failed species.
53
00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:16,317
I wouldn't go
that far.
54
00:02:16,385 --> 00:02:17,786
Not Ed.
55
00:02:17,853 --> 00:02:20,055
That's why this
woman you like, Joe,
56
00:02:20,122 --> 00:02:22,023
so what if she's
an embalmer's assistant,
57
00:02:22,091 --> 00:02:24,358
so she stinks
from formaldehyde?
58
00:02:24,426 --> 00:02:25,961
For Christ's sake,
you got to take
59
00:02:26,028 --> 00:02:28,029
what little pleasure
you can find in
this chamber of horrors.
60
00:02:28,097 --> 00:02:31,032
A little
formaldehyde, okay,
but she reeks of it.
61
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:32,867
You know, they don't
know your story.
62
00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:34,803
Boris, tell them
your story.
63
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,672
My story is,
whatever works.
64
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,675
You know, as long as
you don't hurt anybody.
65
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,410
Any way you can
filch a little joy
66
00:02:42,478 --> 00:02:44,445
in this cruel,
dog-eat-dog,
67
00:02:44,513 --> 00:02:47,115
pointless, black chaos.
That's my story.
68
00:02:47,182 --> 00:02:49,784
No. That's not...
Tell them the story.
69
00:02:49,852 --> 00:02:51,219
Tell them.
Yeah. Tell them.
70
00:02:51,286 --> 00:02:53,287
You just want me
to say it again,
so they can hear.
71
00:02:53,355 --> 00:02:54,923
Who?
- Them.
72
00:02:54,991 --> 00:02:56,491
Who?
- Who's them?
73
00:02:56,558 --> 00:02:58,093
JOE: You see something out there?
- Where?
74
00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,494
What are you?
An imbecile?
75
00:02:59,561 --> 00:03:00,762
There's an audience
full of people
looking at us.
76
00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:01,963
An audience?
- What's he talking about?
77
00:03:02,031 --> 00:03:03,698
You feel you're
being watched.
78
00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,667
They paid good
money for tickets,
hard-earned money,
79
00:03:05,735 --> 00:03:08,803
so some moron
in Hollywood can buy
a bigger swimming pool.
80
00:03:08,871 --> 00:03:11,506
Okay, you're saying
there are human beings
out there
81
00:03:11,573 --> 00:03:14,009
who bought tickets
to watch us.
82
00:03:14,076 --> 00:03:17,478
Well, mostly they're
interested in me,
I have to say.
83
00:03:17,546 --> 00:03:20,048
Yeah, they're
just sitting there.
Don't you see them?
84
00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:23,184
Some are eating popcorn,
some are just
staring straight ahead
85
00:03:23,252 --> 00:03:24,719
breathing
through their mouths
like Neanderthals.
86
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:26,921
So they're there
to listen to your story?
87
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,556
Total delusions of grandeur.
88
00:03:28,624 --> 00:03:30,424
Completely.
89
00:03:30,492 --> 00:03:32,527
Why would you want
to hear my story?
90
00:03:32,594 --> 00:03:35,797
Do we know each other?
Do we like each other?
91
00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:39,567
Let me tell you
right off, okay?
92
00:03:39,635 --> 00:03:44,139
I'm not a likeable guy.
Charm has never been
a priority with me.
93
00:03:44,206 --> 00:03:48,476
And just so you know,
this is not the feel-good
movie of the year.
94
00:03:48,544 --> 00:03:50,812
So if you're one
of those idiots
who needs to feel good,
95
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,580
go get yourself
a foot massage.
96
00:03:52,648 --> 00:03:54,816
Mom, that man's
talking to himself!
97
00:03:54,884 --> 00:03:55,950
Come away, Justin.
98
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,351
(SCOFFS)
99
00:03:57,419 --> 00:04:01,189
What the hell does
it all mean anyhow?
Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
100
00:04:01,256 --> 00:04:02,590
Nothing comes
to anything,
101
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:05,560
and yet
there's no shortage
of idiots to babble.
102
00:04:05,627 --> 00:04:08,963
Not me. I have a vision.
I'm discussing you.
103
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:12,734
Your friends,
your co-workers,
your newspapers, the TV.
104
00:04:12,802 --> 00:04:15,937
Everybody's happy to talk,
full of misinformation.
105
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:19,774
Morality, science,
religion, politics,
sports, love.
106
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:23,611
Your portfolio,
your children, health.
107
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:25,446
Christ. If I have to
eat nine servings
108
00:04:25,514 --> 00:04:27,415
of fruits and vegetables
a day to live,
109
00:04:27,482 --> 00:04:30,418
I don't want to live.
I hate goddamn
fruits and vegetables.
110
00:04:30,485 --> 00:04:33,922
And your omega-3's
and the treadmill
and the cardiogram
111
00:04:33,989 --> 00:04:36,457
and the mammogram
and the pelvic sonogram
112
00:04:36,525 --> 00:04:39,227
and, oh, my God,
the colonoscopy!
113
00:04:39,294 --> 00:04:42,831
And with it all,
the day still comes
when they put you in a box
114
00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:44,933
and it's on to the next
generation of idiots
115
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,835
who'll also tell
you all about life
116
00:04:46,902 --> 00:04:49,804
and define for you
what's appropriate.
117
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:52,040
My father
committed suicide
118
00:04:52,108 --> 00:04:54,809
because the morning newspapers
depressed him.
119
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,211
And could you blame him?
120
00:04:56,278 --> 00:04:59,480
With the horror and corruption
and ignorance and poverty
121
00:04:59,548 --> 00:05:03,118
and genocide and AIDS
and global warming
and terrorism
122
00:05:03,185 --> 00:05:07,822
and the family-value morons
and the gun morons!
123
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,959
"The horror,"
Kurtz said at the end
of Heart of Darkness.
124
00:05:11,026 --> 00:05:12,761
"The horror."
125
00:05:12,828 --> 00:05:14,863
Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times
delivered in the jungle,
126
00:05:14,930 --> 00:05:16,965
then he'd see
some horror.
127
00:05:17,032 --> 00:05:18,299
But what do you do?
128
00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:20,068
You read about some
massacre in Darfur
129
00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:22,637
or some school bus
gets blown up,
130
00:05:22,704 --> 00:05:24,605
and you go,
"Oh, my God, the horror!"
131
00:05:24,673 --> 00:05:26,107
And then you
turn the page
132
00:05:26,175 --> 00:05:29,210
and finish your eggs
from free-range chickens.
133
00:05:29,278 --> 00:05:32,580
Because what can you do?
It's overwhelming.
134
00:05:32,648 --> 00:05:35,383
I tried to commit
suicide myself.
135
00:05:35,450 --> 00:05:38,052
Obviously,
it didn't work out.
136
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,687
But why do you even
want to hear about
all this?
137
00:05:39,755 --> 00:05:41,756
Christ, you got
your own problems.
138
00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,124
I'm sure you're
all obsessed with
139
00:05:43,192 --> 00:05:46,060
any number of sad
little hopes and dreams.
140
00:05:46,128 --> 00:05:49,130
Your predictably
unsatisfying love lives.
141
00:05:49,198 --> 00:05:50,832
Your failed
business ventures.
142
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,168
"Oh, if only I'd
bought that stock!"
143
00:05:53,235 --> 00:05:56,437
"If only I had purchased
that house years ago!"
144
00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:58,706
"If only I had made
a move on that woman."
145
00:05:58,774 --> 00:06:01,642
If this, if that.
You know what?
146
00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:04,312
Give me a break
with your "could haves"
and "should haves."
147
00:06:04,379 --> 00:06:06,014
Like my mother
used to say,
148
00:06:06,081 --> 00:06:09,017
"If my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a trolley car."
149
00:06:09,084 --> 00:06:12,353
My mother didn't have wheels.
She had varicose veins.
150
00:06:12,421 --> 00:06:16,090
Still, the woman gave birth
to a brilliant mind.
151
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:18,960
I was considered for
a Nobel Prize in physics.
152
00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:20,261
I didn't get it.
153
00:06:20,329 --> 00:06:21,762
But, you know,
it's all politics,
154
00:06:21,831 --> 00:06:24,199
just like every
other phony honor.
155
00:06:24,266 --> 00:06:26,600
Incidentally,
don't think I'm bitter
156
00:06:26,668 --> 00:06:29,804
because of some
personal setback.
157
00:06:29,872 --> 00:06:33,441
By the standards
of a mindless,
barbaric civilization,
158
00:06:33,508 --> 00:06:35,443
I've been pretty lucky.
159
00:06:35,510 --> 00:06:38,546
I was married
to a beautiful woman,
who had family money.
160
00:06:38,613 --> 00:06:41,916
For years we lived
on Beekman Place.
161
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:44,518
I taught at Columbia.
String theory.
162
00:06:47,256 --> 00:06:49,991
(BORIS SCREAMING)
163
00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:52,260
JESSICA:
What's the matter, Boris?
164
00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,328
I'm dying!
165
00:06:53,395 --> 00:06:55,029
JESSICA: What is it?
166
00:06:55,097 --> 00:06:57,265
I'm dying!
167
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,733
Should I call
an ambulance?
168
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:03,204
No! No, not now! No, not tonight!
I mean, eventually!
169
00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:04,873
Boris, everybody dies.
170
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,507
It's unacceptable!
171
00:07:06,575 --> 00:07:09,844
Your panic attacks are
getting more frequent
and more intense.
172
00:07:09,912 --> 00:07:11,545
You have to go
back on your medicine.
173
00:07:11,613 --> 00:07:13,514
I'm not going back
on my goddamn medicine.
174
00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,316
I won't have my mind
befuddled by chemicals
175
00:07:15,384 --> 00:07:17,818
when I'm the only one
who sees the whole picture
for exactly what it is.
176
00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:19,387
Where's the goddamn vodka?
177
00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:20,488
Boris, I have clients to see
tomorrow morning.
178
00:07:20,555 --> 00:07:21,890
It is 4:00 a.m.!
179
00:07:21,957 --> 00:07:23,958
Clients. Right.
Wealthy bankers.
180
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,493
To design their
chic apartment,
181
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,196
to fill it full of art and
expensive possessions,
182
00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:29,764
so they can
flaunt their money
183
00:07:29,831 --> 00:07:34,102
and be in the top 1%
of this shameful,
violent, prejudiced,
184
00:07:34,169 --> 00:07:37,906
illiterate,
sexually repressed,
self-righteous nation!
185
00:07:37,973 --> 00:07:42,810
Christ, it is 4:00 a.m.
Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade!
186
00:07:42,878 --> 00:07:44,678
I'm a man with
a huge worldview.
187
00:07:44,746 --> 00:07:46,114
I'm surrounded
by microbes!
188
00:07:46,181 --> 00:07:48,883
And what about me?
Am I a microbe?
189
00:07:48,951 --> 00:07:51,319
Is our son at Yale
a microbe?
190
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:53,621
Let's face it,
Jessica, okay?
191
00:07:53,688 --> 00:07:56,224
Our marriage hasn't
been a garden of roses.
192
00:07:56,292 --> 00:07:58,960
Botanically speaking,
you're more of
a Venus flytrap.
193
00:07:59,028 --> 00:08:01,862
You are a very
difficult man
to live with.
194
00:08:01,931 --> 00:08:02,931
Is that why you
had an affair?
195
00:08:02,998 --> 00:08:04,598
I didn't have an affair.
196
00:08:04,666 --> 00:08:07,568
It was a brief
interlude of infidelity,
and it happened years ago.
197
00:08:07,636 --> 00:08:09,737
You still can't forget it!
198
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:13,507
I see everything
so clearly now.
Everything!
199
00:08:13,575 --> 00:08:15,643
I married you for
all the wrong reasons.
200
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:17,011
What's that
supposed to mean?
201
00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:20,181
You're brilliant.
I wanted someone
to talk to.
202
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:24,118
You loved classical music,
you loved art,
you loved literature.
203
00:08:24,186 --> 00:08:26,220
You loved sex!
You loved me!
204
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,022
Those sound like
pretty good
reasons to me!
205
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:31,759
Yes! Exactly!
That's the problem!
That's the problem!
206
00:08:31,827 --> 00:08:34,429
It was rational,
it made sense!
207
00:08:34,496 --> 00:08:36,297
I don't know
what went wrong.
208
00:08:36,365 --> 00:08:39,633
When you examine it,
there is so much
right about us.
209
00:08:39,701 --> 00:08:41,469
On paper we're ideal.
210
00:08:44,639 --> 00:08:46,607
But life isn't on paper.
211
00:08:47,843 --> 00:08:48,876
Boris?
212
00:08:48,944 --> 00:08:49,944
(WINDOW OPENS)
213
00:08:50,012 --> 00:08:52,313
Boris, what are you doing?
214
00:08:52,381 --> 00:08:54,015
(CARS HONKING)
Close the window!
215
00:08:54,749 --> 00:08:56,684
Boris!
216
00:08:56,751 --> 00:09:00,955
Can you believe
I hit the canopy?
I hit the goddamn canopy.
217
00:09:01,023 --> 00:09:04,725
Months in the hospital!
Moron doctors!
Look. Look at this limp.
218
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:07,228
I never had a limp before.
219
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:11,232
Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,
moved downtown and gave up.
220
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:15,370
I eke out a meager living
teaching chess to
incompetent zombies.
221
00:09:15,437 --> 00:09:16,737
Checkmate,
you little patzer.
222
00:09:16,805 --> 00:09:19,207
Hey! He's only eight years old,
Mr. Yellnikoff.
223
00:09:19,274 --> 00:09:20,541
You're supposed to
be teaching him...
224
00:09:20,609 --> 00:09:23,911
He'll be an
incompetent idiot at 58.
225
00:09:23,979 --> 00:09:26,580
More important than
how I make my living,
226
00:09:26,648 --> 00:09:29,117
is why I bother
to live at all.
227
00:09:29,184 --> 00:09:31,785
Nights, I have trouble sleeping
and hang out on Mott Street,
228
00:09:31,853 --> 00:09:33,187
trying to explain
to cretins that
229
00:09:33,255 --> 00:09:34,922
while a black man got
into the White House
230
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,058
he still can't get
a cab in New York.
231
00:09:37,126 --> 00:09:40,395
Almost 100 years
after the abolition
of slavery,
232
00:09:40,462 --> 00:09:42,430
a man couldn't play
a game of baseball
233
00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:44,698
in the big leagues
if his skin color
was black.
234
00:09:44,766 --> 00:09:47,368
You're harping
on one point.
235
00:09:47,436 --> 00:09:50,604
Oh, good.
Okay, forget blacks.
Take Jews.
236
00:09:50,672 --> 00:09:51,906
What?
- Here we go.
237
00:09:51,973 --> 00:09:53,541
For years they
restricted the
number of Jews
238
00:09:53,608 --> 00:09:55,476
in schools,
medical schools.
239
00:09:55,544 --> 00:09:58,012
In America,
as much as they
hated blacks,
240
00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,680
they hate Jews
even more.
241
00:09:59,748 --> 00:10:01,549
Blacks they were
scared had
too big a penis.
242
00:10:01,616 --> 00:10:03,451
Jews they hated,
even with little penises.
243
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:04,818
For God's sake,
I'm eating here.
244
00:10:04,886 --> 00:10:07,188
You!
I've been looking for you.
245
00:10:07,256 --> 00:10:08,889
I want to talk to you.
- Who are you?
246
00:10:08,957 --> 00:10:11,725
Did you pick up
a chessboard
full of pieces
247
00:10:11,793 --> 00:10:14,429
and hit my son with it
at his lesson today?
248
00:10:14,496 --> 00:10:16,164
That idiot's your son?
249
00:10:16,231 --> 00:10:18,332
Do me a favor.
Don't send that cretin
to me anymore.
250
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,301
I can't teach
an empty-headed
zombie chess.
251
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:24,272
I'll have you know
that he is
a very bright child.
252
00:10:24,339 --> 00:10:27,708
In your opinion.
In your opinion.
253
00:10:27,776 --> 00:10:30,111
Which is skewed,
because he's your
unfortunate issue.
254
00:10:30,179 --> 00:10:32,580
So you threw
a chessboard at him?
255
00:10:32,647 --> 00:10:34,115
I didn't throw it at him.
256
00:10:34,183 --> 00:10:37,718
I picked up the board
and dumped the pieces
on his head
257
00:10:37,786 --> 00:10:40,988
as an object lesson
to shake him out of
his vegetable torpor.
258
00:10:41,056 --> 00:10:43,624
You wait until my
husband gets back
from Florida.
259
00:10:43,692 --> 00:10:45,926
What's he doing in
Florida without you?
260
00:10:45,994 --> 00:10:47,728
He will punch you
in the nose.
261
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:49,330
Her husband's in
Fort Lauderdale.
262
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,266
He's probably hanging
out with naked coeds
on spring break.
263
00:10:52,334 --> 00:10:54,001
He tells her it's
a business trip.
264
00:10:54,069 --> 00:10:57,705
Your son's an imbecile.
Teach him tiddlywinks,
not chess.
265
00:11:02,277 --> 00:11:03,944
You handled
that beautifully, Boris.
266
00:11:04,012 --> 00:11:05,246
JOE: You know,
you should open
267
00:11:05,314 --> 00:11:06,880
the Boris Yellnikoff
Charm School.
268
00:11:06,948 --> 00:11:09,617
BROCKMAN:
Let's get out of here.
It's late. I'm tired.
269
00:11:09,684 --> 00:11:11,252
JOE: Good night, Boris.
270
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,454
What? What are you doing?
271
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,258
Where are you going?
That's it?
272
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:26,934
MELODY: Sir?
- Hey! What?
273
00:11:27,002 --> 00:11:28,569
What the hell
are you doing?
274
00:11:28,637 --> 00:11:31,005
My God, you scared me.
For God's sake!
275
00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:33,174
You creep up
on me like that,
you little vagrant.
276
00:11:33,242 --> 00:11:34,275
What do you want?
277
00:11:34,343 --> 00:11:35,976
Can you help me
get something to eat?
278
00:11:36,044 --> 00:11:37,878
Oh, God, no,
I don't carry any money.
279
00:11:37,946 --> 00:11:40,781
Now, come on, you can
tell that to your partner,
wherever he's hiding.
280
00:11:40,849 --> 00:11:42,049
Please, I'm so hungry!
281
00:11:42,117 --> 00:11:43,751
Back up! Back up!
282
00:11:43,818 --> 00:11:46,254
I haven't had anything to eat all day.
I think I'm going to faint.
283
00:11:46,321 --> 00:11:48,322
Yeah, listen,
I'm wise to that scam,
little girl, okay?
284
00:11:48,390 --> 00:11:50,158
I know about
professional
beggar school.
285
00:11:50,225 --> 00:11:51,692
Please, I'm desperate.
286
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,227
(COUGHING)
287
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:58,533
God, stop that!
You look terrible!
What's wrong with you?
288
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,801
Just... All right.
289
00:12:00,869 --> 00:12:03,237
Come up for two minutes.
That's it. And then...
290
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:04,572
(STAMMERING)
And then go.
291
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,640
Thank you!
292
00:12:05,707 --> 00:12:08,042
Two minutes, okay?
That's it.
293
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:12,880
# Happy birthday to you
294
00:12:12,947 --> 00:12:14,715
# Happy birthday to you
295
00:12:14,783 --> 00:12:16,551
# Happy birthday, dear Boris
296
00:12:16,618 --> 00:12:18,352
# Happy birthday to you
297
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:19,620
# Happy birthday to you
298
00:12:19,688 --> 00:12:21,255
# Happy birthday to you
299
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:22,990
# Happy birthday, dear Boris
300
00:12:23,058 --> 00:12:25,025
# Happy birthday to you #
301
00:12:25,093 --> 00:12:26,860
Is this your birthday?
302
00:12:26,928 --> 00:12:28,095
BORIS: You don't know
you have to sing
Happy Birthday twice
303
00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:30,831
to get the germs off?
304
00:12:30,899 --> 00:12:33,067
You said you were starving.
What do you like?
305
00:12:33,134 --> 00:12:36,770
I like oysters,
blackened redfish,
306
00:12:36,838 --> 00:12:38,306
gumbo, crab legs,
black-eyed...
307
00:12:38,373 --> 00:12:39,940
Are you nuts?
What do you think
I'm running?
308
00:12:40,008 --> 00:12:41,509
A Creole restaurant?
309
00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:42,876
How about
a can of sardines?
310
00:12:42,944 --> 00:12:45,179
Oh, yes, please.
311
00:12:45,247 --> 00:12:48,349
Gumbo.
So what's your name?
312
00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:50,918
Melody. Melody Celestine.
313
00:12:50,985 --> 00:12:53,120
Melody Celestine.
314
00:12:53,188 --> 00:12:55,656
Melody Saint Anne Celestine.
315
00:12:55,724 --> 00:12:58,992
It's French.
My mama's family was
from New Orleans.
316
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:03,130
I'm from Mississippi,
Mr...
317
00:13:03,832 --> 00:13:06,033
Um...
318
00:13:06,101 --> 00:13:09,704
(STAMMERING) Muggeridge.
Lionel Muggeridge.
319
00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:11,305
Mr. Muggeridge.
320
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,108
(SIGHS)
321
00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:17,612
Eden, Mississippi.
You ever hear of it?
322
00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:19,447
No, I haven't.
323
00:13:19,514 --> 00:13:21,449
Not even the people
who live there
have heard of it.
324
00:13:23,218 --> 00:13:24,752
So...
325
00:13:24,819 --> 00:13:26,754
So what are you
running away from?
326
00:13:26,821 --> 00:13:28,656
(SIGHING) Home.
327
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,791
Could you be more specific,
Melanie?
328
00:13:30,859 --> 00:13:33,694
Melody. Melanie was
from Gone with the Wind.
329
00:13:33,762 --> 00:13:36,830
Oh, yeah.
I preferred the one
who played Scarlett.
330
00:13:36,898 --> 00:13:40,167
MELODY: Why?
Melanie was the nice one.
She marries Ashley.
331
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:41,469
(SCOFFS) Ashley.
What an imbecile!
332
00:13:41,536 --> 00:13:43,537
I couldn't stand him,
I couldn't stand his wife,
333
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:46,374
that goody two-shoes,
sexual nothing.
334
00:13:46,441 --> 00:13:51,646
Scarlett, bitch that she was,
with those green eyes...
335
00:13:51,713 --> 00:13:54,014
You know,
I came in first dressed
as Scarlett O'Hara
336
00:13:54,082 --> 00:13:55,583
in one of the pageants.
337
00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:57,818
BORIS: Pageant?
- Mmm-hmm.
338
00:13:57,886 --> 00:14:01,221
(CHUCKLING) My mom always
used to keep me busy
in all these beauty contests.
339
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:04,091
That's why I didn't
get to schooling much.
340
00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:07,795
All right,
my advice to you,
go back home.
341
00:14:07,862 --> 00:14:10,598
Oh, no,
I'm never going back home.
342
00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:12,166
You're a
brainless little twit
343
00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:14,101
who won't last
three days in New York.
344
00:14:14,169 --> 00:14:15,869
You'd be dead
now of starvation
345
00:14:15,937 --> 00:14:17,838
if I hadn't a heart
as big as all outdoors.
346
00:14:17,906 --> 00:14:20,174
I can't go back home,
Mr. Muggeridge.
347
00:14:20,241 --> 00:14:21,509
All right,
stop calling me Muggeridge.
348
00:14:21,576 --> 00:14:23,076
But that's your name.
349
00:14:23,144 --> 00:14:24,945
No, it's not my name.
My name is Boris Yellnikoff.
350
00:14:25,013 --> 00:14:26,781
I was using an alias.
I thought, who knows,
351
00:14:26,848 --> 00:14:28,783
you might be
from the Taliban
or something.
352
00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:30,951
Can I stay here?
353
00:14:31,019 --> 00:14:34,455
Stay here?
What are you? Nuts?
How old are you?
354
00:14:34,523 --> 00:14:35,790
I'm 21.
355
00:14:35,857 --> 00:14:38,292
Twenty-one? Yeah.
356
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,362
You're 21 like
I play for the Yankees.
Twenty-one!
357
00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:43,764
You're a professional
athlete with that limp?
358
00:14:43,832 --> 00:14:45,165
Oh, Christ!
359
00:14:45,233 --> 00:14:47,034
All right, look,
I don't want to go back.
360
00:14:47,101 --> 00:14:48,969
Okay? I want to
make a new life here
in New York.
361
00:14:49,037 --> 00:14:51,372
You'll wind up a prostitute,
like those Asian girls
362
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,106
who come here
full of high hopes.
363
00:14:53,174 --> 00:14:55,876
And then they wind up
turning tricks to keep alive.
364
00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:57,945
And many of them are
actually good-looking.
365
00:14:58,012 --> 00:15:01,915
That's so funny you
just mentioned tricks!
You know, I do magic.
366
00:15:01,983 --> 00:15:03,917
I do. I can show you.
I just need...
367
00:15:03,985 --> 00:15:05,619
Do you have any
silk handkerchiefs?
368
00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:08,656
Yeah, you know,
some other time,
you're...
369
00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:11,058
Look, you're a sweet kid.
370
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:14,094
Stupid beyond
all comprehension,
371
00:15:14,162 --> 00:15:15,929
but you'll
never survive here.
372
00:15:15,997 --> 00:15:18,899
You got nothing
going for you.
Zero. Zilch.
373
00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:22,002
You know, you may be
beauty contest material
in the Deep South,
374
00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:24,972
but this is the big time.
Here, you're a three.
375
00:15:25,039 --> 00:15:28,843
A five maybe
after you bathe.
376
00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:31,144
Did you get that limp
playing for the Yankees?
377
00:15:31,212 --> 00:15:33,247
Imbecile child.
Brainless inchworm.
378
00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:34,515
I didn't play
for the Yankees!
379
00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:36,950
I was being
sarcastic before.
380
00:15:37,018 --> 00:15:40,354
Oh, you...
I took it seriously.
381
00:15:40,422 --> 00:15:42,122
Yes.
382
00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:46,527
I usually get jokes.
At the church's social,
I was the comedian twice.
383
00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,295
I've a way with jokes. Yes.
- Really?
384
00:15:48,363 --> 00:15:49,597
Spare me
and just get out.
385
00:15:49,664 --> 00:15:51,399
No, Mr. Muggeridge...
386
00:15:51,466 --> 00:15:53,501
Stop calling me
Muggeridge, okay?
I already explained that!
387
00:15:53,568 --> 00:15:56,771
I know, I know.
I'm sorry. I just...
388
00:15:56,838 --> 00:16:00,775
I just need a place to
stay for a few nights,
till I get on my feet.
389
00:16:00,842 --> 00:16:04,111
I don't have
anywhere to go.
390
00:16:04,178 --> 00:16:07,981
And if you throw me out
and I wind up
an Asian prostitute,
391
00:16:08,049 --> 00:16:10,551
that's gonna be
on your conscience.
392
00:16:11,986 --> 00:16:13,186
(SIGHING)
393
00:16:13,254 --> 00:16:15,389
I give up.
Sleep on the couch, imbecile.
394
00:16:15,457 --> 00:16:17,658
I'm too tired to prolong
this brutal exchange
395
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:21,261
between a bedraggled microbe
and a Nobel-level thinker.
396
00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:23,130
Keep out of my way.
397
00:16:23,197 --> 00:16:24,965
I will, I promise.
398
00:16:25,033 --> 00:16:26,500
I'm just gonna use
the little girl's
to freshen up,
399
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:27,835
and then I'm gonna
go right to sleep.
400
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,371
Yes, yes,
use the little girl's.
Freshen up.
401
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,973
Don't forget to
tip the attendant.
402
00:16:33,041 --> 00:16:34,675
MELODY: I won't.
Thank you so much, Mr...
403
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:36,343
Oh, what?
404
00:16:36,411 --> 00:16:38,011
You were going to say Muggeridge again?
- No!
405
00:16:38,079 --> 00:16:40,915
It's Boris Yellnikoff!
You call me Muggeridge one more time,
406
00:16:40,982 --> 00:16:43,484
I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window.
407
00:16:43,552 --> 00:16:44,985
Do you mind if
I watch a little TV?
408
00:16:45,053 --> 00:16:46,554
Yes, I do, simpleton.
409
00:16:46,621 --> 00:16:48,756
I just like to turn
some on at
night to unwind.
410
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:51,625
Yeah. You touch that dial,
I'll unwind your head
with my bare hands.
411
00:16:51,693 --> 00:16:53,293
How about that?
412
00:16:56,681 --> 00:16:57,798
Did you hear about Boris?
- What?
413
00:16:57,866 --> 00:16:59,065
I tried to call him
yesterday
414
00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:00,433
and a woman
answered the phone.
415
00:17:00,502 --> 00:17:02,202
No! Who is she?
416
00:17:02,269 --> 00:17:04,237
He got conned
into letting some
little runaway
417
00:17:04,305 --> 00:17:06,306
bed down in his apartment
while she looks for
a job and gets settled.
418
00:17:06,374 --> 00:17:08,108
Apparently she's
never been to
New York before
419
00:17:08,175 --> 00:17:10,377
and she's asked him
if he would
show her around.
420
00:17:10,444 --> 00:17:12,078
Boris is going to be sightseeing?
- Yeah.
421
00:17:12,146 --> 00:17:13,413
Not a chance.
- No way.
422
00:17:13,481 --> 00:17:14,681
No way.
423
00:17:15,917 --> 00:17:17,918
BORIS: My whole life
I've lived in New York,
424
00:17:17,986 --> 00:17:20,186
I never wanted to
go to Grant's Tomb.
425
00:17:20,254 --> 00:17:22,623
Now I know why.
- Why?
426
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,859
I should never go
to a tomb, ever.
427
00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:27,828
My mom brought me
up to believe that
428
00:17:27,896 --> 00:17:31,131
the good Lord has a plan
that we're all a part of.
429
00:17:31,198 --> 00:17:32,766
He has His eye
on the sparrow.
430
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,802
Yeah, I pity the sparrow.
431
00:17:35,870 --> 00:17:39,139
I'm not getting
into heaven, though.
I sinned.
432
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:42,042
You? You're kidding.
You sinned?
433
00:17:42,109 --> 00:17:44,310
I made love
before I was married.
434
00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:46,046
Oh, my God.
435
00:17:46,113 --> 00:17:50,083
Plenty of my friends have,
but in my house,
that's just unforgivable.
436
00:17:50,151 --> 00:17:51,685
I just couldn't
resist Bobby Klaxon.
437
00:17:51,753 --> 00:17:53,654
All right, okay,
spare me the details,
all right.
438
00:17:53,721 --> 00:17:55,488
No, it was
really beautiful!
439
00:17:55,557 --> 00:17:59,492
I mean, he was just this
pretty boy guitar player
in this amazing rock band.
440
00:17:59,561 --> 00:18:00,794
I mean, if you think
you're a genius,
441
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:01,895
he can double
on the drums.
442
00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:03,496
No! Doubles on drums?
443
00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:04,998
Yeah.
444
00:18:05,066 --> 00:18:08,936
All the girls
had a crush on him,
but he liked me.
445
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:11,371
He was so sweet
and sensitive,
446
00:18:11,439 --> 00:18:13,941
and he caught
the biggest catfish
in Plaquemines County.
447
00:18:14,008 --> 00:18:16,109
I wondered who
caught that catfish.
448
00:18:16,177 --> 00:18:17,343
Hey, you know,
my mom always told me
449
00:18:17,411 --> 00:18:19,212
that it was gonna
hurt the first time,
450
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,681
you know, she said it was,
you know,
451
00:18:20,748 --> 00:18:25,251
it's a woman's duty
to just lie down,
bear it and...
452
00:18:25,319 --> 00:18:27,320
You know, she said
there were a lot of
perversions involved,
453
00:18:27,388 --> 00:18:30,190
and that, you know,
it's God's will,
you shouldn't do it
454
00:18:30,257 --> 00:18:33,393
unless you were married
and you planned
to have kids and...
455
00:18:33,461 --> 00:18:34,695
She said it could
be dangerous,
456
00:18:34,762 --> 00:18:36,096
but I just felt
like it was
457
00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:39,032
the most natural
thing in the world.
458
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:40,801
You know,
it just felt right.
459
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:45,672
And all the little
extras were just fun.
It wasn't complicated at all.
460
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:47,140
And I think Bobby
really liked it,
461
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:50,543
because he was
going to dump
his Betty Jo Cleary,
462
00:18:50,612 --> 00:18:51,712
this girl he was
going steady with.
463
00:18:51,779 --> 00:18:54,781
But I wouldn't,
I wouldn't hear of it.
464
00:18:54,849 --> 00:18:56,249
It was just what it was,
you know,
465
00:18:56,317 --> 00:19:00,721
it was a nice moment
behind the tent
at the fish fry.
466
00:19:00,788 --> 00:19:03,757
That is the most
disgusting story
I've ever heard.
467
00:19:03,825 --> 00:19:06,359
You and this
adenoidal guitar player
slaking your lust
468
00:19:06,427 --> 00:19:09,262
at some barbaric
social function.
469
00:19:09,330 --> 00:19:10,864
You don't like
to make love?
470
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,366
No, I do not. No.
471
00:19:13,434 --> 00:19:14,968
That's crazy!
472
00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:18,939
Boris, do you want to
be buried or cremated?
473
00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:20,774
All right,
I really don't want to
talk about that. Okay?
474
00:19:20,842 --> 00:19:22,142
I think I want
to be cremated.
475
00:19:22,209 --> 00:19:23,443
All right,
will you shut up, cretin?
476
00:19:23,511 --> 00:19:24,845
There's no worms.
477
00:19:26,781 --> 00:19:27,848
What is this?
478
00:19:27,915 --> 00:19:28,949
A knish.
479
00:19:29,017 --> 00:19:30,416
And what's it made of?
480
00:19:30,484 --> 00:19:32,653
I've been eating
these things for years,
they're delicious.
481
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,487
I don't know
what's in them.
482
00:19:34,555 --> 00:19:36,957
I don't want to
know what's in them.
Don't even talk about it!
483
00:19:37,025 --> 00:19:40,127
BORIS: Oh, my God!
The horror! The horror!
484
00:19:40,194 --> 00:19:41,762
Boris!
485
00:19:41,829 --> 00:19:44,998
Are you all right? What happened?
- No, I'm not all right.
486
00:19:45,066 --> 00:19:47,400
Are you sick?
- No.
487
00:19:47,468 --> 00:19:49,036
Did you have a bad dream?
488
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:50,871
Yeah, it was terrible.
489
00:19:50,938 --> 00:19:53,239
Come here. It's okay.
- Oh, I can't...
490
00:19:53,307 --> 00:19:54,607
(SHUSHING)
491
00:19:54,676 --> 00:19:56,242
(PANTING)
Oh, baby, you're sweating.
Come sit down.
492
00:19:56,310 --> 00:19:58,178
Night sweats.
I get them.
493
00:19:58,245 --> 00:19:59,680
I used to think
it was AIDS,
494
00:19:59,747 --> 00:20:01,347
but it's just that
I have a morbid
fear of the dark
495
00:20:01,415 --> 00:20:02,716
and you turned
my night-light off!
496
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,251
Oh, I'm sorry.
497
00:20:05,319 --> 00:20:07,721
Does your stomach hurt?
Could it be the kwish?
498
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:09,556
Knish! Not kwish.
499
00:20:11,358 --> 00:20:14,161
Well, here,
I'll put something on TV.
500
00:20:14,228 --> 00:20:15,796
I saw the abyss.
501
00:20:15,863 --> 00:20:18,098
Don't worry,
we'll watch something else.
502
00:20:18,166 --> 00:20:20,533
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
503
00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,508
Oh, this is...
- Yeah.
504
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:31,244
Fred Astaire. Yeah.
505
00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:33,613
Leave that.
506
00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:36,883
That's good.
Leave that.
507
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:47,660
BORIS: There,
that's it, okay?
508
00:20:47,729 --> 00:20:48,829
Can we get
the hell out of here?
509
00:20:48,896 --> 00:20:52,565
Oh, my God, that's it!
It's the actual one!
510
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:55,301
I've only seen it
in pictures!
511
00:20:55,369 --> 00:20:59,206
"Bring me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses..."
512
00:20:59,273 --> 00:21:01,574
I'm surprised
you know that,
terrible as it is.
513
00:21:01,642 --> 00:21:04,611
I closed with it for
the Miss Greenwood,
Mississippi pageant.
514
00:21:04,678 --> 00:21:06,613
I think it's so moving.
515
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,082
But the huddled masses
were never welcomed
with open arms.
516
00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:11,218
Soon as they came over,
each ethnic group
517
00:21:11,285 --> 00:21:13,053
was met with
violence and hostility.
518
00:21:13,121 --> 00:21:15,856
Each one had to claw
and fight its way in.
519
00:21:15,923 --> 00:21:18,859
People always
hated foreigners.
It's the American way.
520
00:21:18,926 --> 00:21:22,629
Our pageants like to
focus on the positive
things about America.
521
00:21:22,696 --> 00:21:25,365
Yeah. The blacks were
kidnapped from Africa!
522
00:21:25,432 --> 00:21:27,367
Chained in ships!
523
00:21:27,434 --> 00:21:29,469
My daddy says that
America bends over
backwards for the blacks
524
00:21:29,536 --> 00:21:31,171
because we feel guilty,
and it's crazy.
525
00:21:31,239 --> 00:21:33,807
Oh, yeah, your daddy.
Your daddy's a cracker.
526
00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:36,542
He's a bigot moron.
Your daddy!
527
00:21:36,610 --> 00:21:38,678
Well, you're probably right,
'cause you're a genius,
528
00:21:38,746 --> 00:21:42,883
but for a little
Mississippi girl like me,
this is really exciting!
529
00:21:44,451 --> 00:21:47,187
So what kind of genius
are you, anyway?
530
00:21:47,255 --> 00:21:48,454
What kind?
531
00:21:48,522 --> 00:21:49,923
Yeah, what are
you genius at?
532
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:53,493
Quantum mechanics.
533
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,962
Yeah, but what field?
Like, music?
534
00:21:57,364 --> 00:21:58,965
When you see
kids tossing a ball,
535
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:01,835
does it ever make you
miss spring training?
536
00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:06,572
All right, I've never
played for the Yankees.
Do you understand that?
537
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,508
I have never
played any sports
538
00:22:08,575 --> 00:22:12,012
whatsoever in my life!
Okay? Ever!
539
00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:15,182
Joe, Leo,
you gotta help me out.
I can't take it anymore.
540
00:22:15,249 --> 00:22:16,582
Just kick her out.
541
00:22:16,650 --> 00:22:17,951
Can you believe it's
been a month already?
542
00:22:18,019 --> 00:22:19,519
BROCKMAN: A whole month?
God, time flies.
543
00:22:19,586 --> 00:22:20,687
Well put.
544
00:22:20,754 --> 00:22:22,155
Well, at least
is she pretty?
545
00:22:22,223 --> 00:22:23,456
She's won some
beauty contests.
546
00:22:23,524 --> 00:22:24,757
No.
547
00:22:24,826 --> 00:22:27,194
Tall? Short? Blonde?
Describe her.
548
00:22:27,261 --> 00:22:31,531
Well, she's blonde.
Nice height. Nice eyes.
549
00:22:31,598 --> 00:22:34,267
Didn't quite realize
how blue they were
that first night.
550
00:22:34,335 --> 00:22:37,137
Her face is
a little more
symmetrical
551
00:22:37,205 --> 00:22:39,005
than I had
originally conceived.
552
00:22:39,073 --> 00:22:42,542
She's not a ten.
In a pinch, six.
553
00:22:42,609 --> 00:22:43,776
Good in bed?
554
00:22:43,845 --> 00:22:45,478
How would I know?
I just want her out.
555
00:22:47,148 --> 00:22:48,381
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
556
00:22:48,449 --> 00:22:49,549
MAN: Can I ask you
to dance with me?
557
00:22:49,616 --> 00:22:50,750
WOMAN: It's too crowded.
558
00:22:50,818 --> 00:22:52,719
I don't mean now.
In a few minutes,
559
00:22:52,786 --> 00:22:55,288
the dance will be over
and everyone will go home.
560
00:22:55,356 --> 00:22:57,190
Well, the band
will go home, too.
561
00:22:57,258 --> 00:23:01,228
Why, there'll just be the two of us left,
and we can imagine the music.
562
00:23:01,295 --> 00:23:03,763
We can pretend there's a
big orchestra of violins
563
00:23:03,831 --> 00:23:08,101
and they're playing
just for us as we dance.
564
00:23:08,169 --> 00:23:10,670
You know, it's been proven
television eats away the brain.
565
00:23:10,738 --> 00:23:13,874
Oh, hi! Shoot,
I was gonna surprise you!
566
00:23:13,941 --> 00:23:15,575
What? What's all this?
567
00:23:15,642 --> 00:23:17,310
(CHUCKLES)
I'm making you
a special dinner.
568
00:23:17,378 --> 00:23:18,745
Really? For me?
- Yeah.
569
00:23:18,812 --> 00:23:20,881
And me, 'cause
we're celebrating.
570
00:23:20,948 --> 00:23:23,783
We are? What is it?
571
00:23:23,851 --> 00:23:25,418
Crawfish!
I found some at the market.
572
00:23:25,486 --> 00:23:26,987
Jesus. It's stinking up
the whole house!
573
00:23:27,054 --> 00:23:28,821
No, they're so good.
You'll love them.
574
00:23:28,890 --> 00:23:32,993
Listen, Melody, seriously,
we have to talk.
575
00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:35,595
Oh, yeah. I know.
We'll talk over dinner.
It's almost done.
576
00:23:35,662 --> 00:23:39,132
Melody, you're
a very nice young woman.
Really, very nice.
577
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,567
You have a lot of
nice attributes,
578
00:23:41,635 --> 00:23:46,006
but, you know,
you just can't continue
to stay here ad infinitum.
579
00:23:46,073 --> 00:23:49,175
Yeah, yeah,
but that's my news.
Guess what?
580
00:23:49,243 --> 00:23:52,812
I got a job!
I can start
paying you rent.
581
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,548
Rent? I don't want
you to pay me rent!
582
00:23:55,616 --> 00:23:58,551
I want my life back.
What kind of job?
583
00:23:58,619 --> 00:24:01,788
I start tomorrow
as a dog walker.
584
00:24:01,855 --> 00:24:04,991
A dog walker?
Oh, my God.
Seriously...
585
00:24:05,059 --> 00:24:08,694
Melody, don't you think
you should go back home
and finish high school,
586
00:24:08,762 --> 00:24:10,863
maybe even go to college?
587
00:24:10,932 --> 00:24:13,633
I thought the other night
you were talking about
how America has
588
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:16,336
one of the worst
education systems
in the Old West.
589
00:24:16,404 --> 00:24:17,637
No, no,
the Western world.
590
00:24:17,704 --> 00:24:19,205
Yeah, right, exactly,
591
00:24:19,273 --> 00:24:22,742
and how most colleges
just turn out mindless
zombie morons.
592
00:24:24,478 --> 00:24:25,979
You could benefit
from classes.
593
00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:27,713
(MICROWAVE DINGS)
594
00:24:27,781 --> 00:24:30,083
I think
the crawfish are ready.
595
00:24:30,918 --> 00:24:32,585
What is that song?
596
00:24:40,094 --> 00:24:43,096
They played that song
the first time
I went out with Jessica.
597
00:24:43,164 --> 00:24:44,730
Where did you go?
598
00:24:44,798 --> 00:24:46,866
We went to a dance.
599
00:24:46,934 --> 00:24:50,870
We were both students
at the University of Chicago.
600
00:24:50,938 --> 00:24:54,707
She had a high IQ
and a low-cut dress.
601
00:24:54,775 --> 00:24:58,511
Boy, they really
don't write them
like they used to.
602
00:24:58,579 --> 00:25:00,981
Oh! That's a cliche.
603
00:25:01,048 --> 00:25:03,350
Ah! Good, Melody.
You caught it.
604
00:25:03,417 --> 00:25:06,552
Well, you always
get so mad
when I do them.
605
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:09,755
Yeah, I shouldn't really.
Sometimes a cliche
606
00:25:09,823 --> 00:25:12,392
is finally the best way
to make one's point.
607
00:25:14,228 --> 00:25:15,561
Boris,
608
00:25:17,164 --> 00:25:21,667
what would you say
if I was to say
609
00:25:23,004 --> 00:25:25,938
that I was developing
a little crush on you?
610
00:25:27,774 --> 00:25:29,209
I'd say don't.
611
00:25:29,276 --> 00:25:31,544
Why?
612
00:25:31,612 --> 00:25:35,281
Because anything deeper,
more significant between us,
613
00:25:35,349 --> 00:25:37,250
is out of the question.
614
00:25:37,318 --> 00:25:38,451
Because why?
615
00:25:38,519 --> 00:25:40,453
Because it's
too preposterous
616
00:25:40,521 --> 00:25:42,755
to even dignify
with an answer.
617
00:25:43,357 --> 00:25:44,524
It is?
618
00:25:45,826 --> 00:25:47,927
Every single thing
is against it.
619
00:25:47,995 --> 00:25:51,264
Our ages, our backgrounds,
our brains, our interests.
620
00:25:51,332 --> 00:25:53,400
Not to mention,
I have no desire
621
00:25:53,467 --> 00:25:55,801
to have a relationship
with a woman, any woman,
622
00:25:55,869 --> 00:25:59,439
nor any urge to make love,
nor any desire to be anything
623
00:25:59,507 --> 00:26:02,075
but isolated
from the world.
624
00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:05,245
And, you know,
you're a beautiful girl
625
00:26:05,312 --> 00:26:09,815
who should be meeting
normal healthy men
and going out.
626
00:26:09,883 --> 00:26:13,353
Yeah, but I don't like
normal healthy men.
627
00:26:14,588 --> 00:26:16,789
I like you.
628
00:26:16,857 --> 00:26:19,192
(CHUCKLING) I...
You're hallucinating!
629
00:26:19,260 --> 00:26:23,063
I'm sure you'll make
some man very happy
630
00:26:23,130 --> 00:26:24,630
at a fish fry
or a dog fight
631
00:26:24,698 --> 00:26:27,167
or however you
people spend time.
632
00:26:28,302 --> 00:26:30,937
You really think
I'm beautiful?
633
00:26:31,004 --> 00:26:35,375
I admit I didn't give
you your full due
at first, physically.
634
00:26:35,443 --> 00:26:38,278
However, as only
a great mind can do,
635
00:26:38,345 --> 00:26:42,148
I've reassessed
my position,
636
00:26:42,216 --> 00:26:46,152
and changed my mind.
637
00:26:46,220 --> 00:26:49,189
So you could never
think of marrying me?
638
00:26:50,224 --> 00:26:52,092
Have you lost your mind?
639
00:26:52,159 --> 00:26:55,095
Why on Earth
would you even fantasize
about such a thing?
640
00:26:55,162 --> 00:26:58,931
What could I offer you,
but a bad temper,
hypochondriasis,
641
00:26:58,999 --> 00:27:03,836
morbid fixations,
reclusive rages
and misanthropy?
642
00:27:03,904 --> 00:27:05,472
And what could you
offer me?
643
00:27:05,539 --> 00:27:09,875
A character
out of Faulkner,
not unlike Benjy.
644
00:27:09,943 --> 00:27:12,845
The answer to
your question is no.
645
00:27:12,913 --> 00:27:17,984
I think you should
stay here for a while,
accumulate some money,
646
00:27:18,051 --> 00:27:21,687
and then find
a place of your own,
and move on with your life.
647
00:27:21,755 --> 00:27:23,923
Well, what about your life?
648
00:27:23,991 --> 00:27:27,227
Let me teach you
something about love.
Okay?
649
00:27:27,294 --> 00:27:29,496
Naturally,
there are exceptions
to what I'm going to say,
650
00:27:29,563 --> 00:27:32,265
but they're
the exception,
not the rule.
651
00:27:32,333 --> 00:27:36,536
Love, despite
what they tell you,
652
00:27:36,604 --> 00:27:40,706
does not conquer all.
Nor does it
even usually last.
653
00:27:40,774 --> 00:27:43,943
In the end, the romantic
aspirations of our youth
654
00:27:44,545 --> 00:27:46,779
are reduced to
655
00:27:46,847 --> 00:27:49,015
whatever works. Okay?
656
00:27:50,784 --> 00:27:54,654
Why do I think
your bark is worse
than your bite?
657
00:27:54,721 --> 00:27:56,389
Cliche, Melody.
658
00:27:56,457 --> 00:28:00,326
Oh, I don't care!
If the shoe fits, wear it,
and that's another one.
659
00:28:11,472 --> 00:28:15,074
We need to talk
for a minute.
660
00:28:15,142 --> 00:28:18,978
Can you believe
this little inchworm
setting her sights on me?
661
00:28:20,147 --> 00:28:23,082
Yes, yes, we had
some pleasant moments.
662
00:28:23,150 --> 00:28:26,052
Some dinners,
some walks in the park.
663
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,556
I gave her the benefit
of my vast knowledge
and experience.
664
00:28:29,623 --> 00:28:33,092
Tried to impart to her
the perceptions and values
665
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,095
of a truly
original mentality.
666
00:28:36,163 --> 00:28:39,031
I only wish I could do
a Pygmalion on her.
667
00:28:39,099 --> 00:28:40,900
But if Henry Higgins
ever tried to
668
00:28:40,967 --> 00:28:43,769
transform Melody
Saint Anne Celestine,
669
00:28:43,837 --> 00:28:46,673
he, too, would have
jumped out the window.
670
00:29:05,042 --> 00:29:06,176
Come on.
671
00:29:06,243 --> 00:29:08,111
Oh, boy! New friends.
- I'm sorry.
672
00:29:08,179 --> 00:29:09,712
Oh, yeah.
They like each other.
673
00:29:09,780 --> 00:29:12,115
It's okay.
I rather like dogs.
674
00:29:12,183 --> 00:29:14,017
Well, I'm more of
a cat person, myself.
675
00:29:14,084 --> 00:29:15,885
I just do this
professionally. Sorry.
676
00:29:15,953 --> 00:29:18,387
I never met
a professional
dog walker.
677
00:29:18,455 --> 00:29:22,225
Really? It's not
really the career
that I want, but...
678
00:29:22,293 --> 00:29:24,127
What do you want to do?
679
00:29:24,195 --> 00:29:26,629
I'd like to work
with children.
680
00:29:26,697 --> 00:29:29,132
You're very pretty,
you know that?
681
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,599
Shut up! Thank you.
682
00:29:30,667 --> 00:29:32,535
Can I ask your name?
683
00:29:32,602 --> 00:29:35,905
It's Melody.
Melody Saint Anne Celestine.
684
00:29:35,973 --> 00:29:39,575
What a beautiful name!
Mine's Perry Singleton.
685
00:29:39,643 --> 00:29:41,311
It's nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
686
00:29:41,378 --> 00:29:44,047
May I walk along
with you?
687
00:29:44,114 --> 00:29:45,781
I don't see why not,
you know,
688
00:29:45,850 --> 00:29:47,750
since we're all
doomed anyway.
689
00:29:47,818 --> 00:29:49,085
Pardon me?
690
00:29:49,153 --> 00:29:50,553
Well, you know,
everything ends.
691
00:29:51,421 --> 00:29:53,323
I don't think I follow.
692
00:29:53,390 --> 00:29:58,527
Well, you know,
it's like the cosmos,
or eternity.
693
00:29:58,595 --> 00:30:01,664
Whichever's bigger.
I just know that
we're all flying apart.
694
00:30:03,067 --> 00:30:05,835
What is that?
What is that?
Is that a move?
695
00:30:05,903 --> 00:30:07,170
Well, I thought
your bishop was...
696
00:30:07,238 --> 00:30:09,739
My bishop what? What?
You patzer, you earthworm!
697
00:30:09,806 --> 00:30:12,842
How many times do
I have to tell you?
You don't take that pawn.
698
00:30:12,910 --> 00:30:14,744
That's called
the poisoned pawn,
because look!
699
00:30:14,811 --> 00:30:15,845
Boris!
- Look what happens!
700
00:30:15,913 --> 00:30:17,347
(SCREAMS)
701
00:30:17,414 --> 00:30:18,948
Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
-Yeah, you're sorry, you're sorry.
702
00:30:19,016 --> 00:30:20,783
Use your head next time,
you won't be sorry!
703
00:30:20,851 --> 00:30:22,685
Boris!
704
00:30:22,753 --> 00:30:24,787
Yeah. Do your
homework next week.
Don't waste my time.
705
00:30:24,855 --> 00:30:26,589
Hey!
- Poisoned!
706
00:30:26,656 --> 00:30:28,258
I got off work early
today and I thought
707
00:30:28,325 --> 00:30:29,859
maybe we could
walk home together.
708
00:30:29,927 --> 00:30:32,095
Maybe I can make
black-eyed peas and
crab cakes for dinner.
709
00:30:32,162 --> 00:30:33,196
No, I'm not hungry.
710
00:30:33,264 --> 00:30:34,297
What's the matter?
711
00:30:34,365 --> 00:30:35,999
My ulcer's been
killing me all day.
712
00:30:36,066 --> 00:30:37,633
I thought you
didn't have an ulcer.
713
00:30:37,701 --> 00:30:40,203
No, I said they
can't find an ulcer,
not that I don't have one.
714
00:30:40,271 --> 00:30:42,305
Those malpractice
medical mental midgets.
715
00:30:42,373 --> 00:30:43,773
They drop that endoscope
down my throat
716
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,174
and probe me
like coal miners,
717
00:30:45,242 --> 00:30:47,643
and they always
come up with nothing!
718
00:30:47,711 --> 00:30:49,612
Well, guess
what happened today?
719
00:30:49,679 --> 00:30:51,514
I got to talking to
this boy on the job,
720
00:30:51,581 --> 00:30:53,682
and he asked me
out on a date.
721
00:30:55,286 --> 00:30:56,886
Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
722
00:30:56,954 --> 00:30:59,255
I could tell he
liked me right off
723
00:30:59,323 --> 00:31:02,959
and we went and had coffee
and just had, you know,
funny banter.
724
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:04,928
You know what banter is,
it's like flirty talk.
725
00:31:04,995 --> 00:31:07,230
Yeah, yeah,
I'm familiar with banter.
726
00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:10,066
Yeah, so, anyway,
he asked if I had
a boyfriend.
727
00:31:10,134 --> 00:31:14,137
I said, "Not really."
He said, "I'll pick
you up Friday at 8:00."
728
00:31:14,838 --> 00:31:16,705
What do you think?
729
00:31:16,773 --> 00:31:22,178
Great. I just hope
he's not a Ted Bundy,
you know.
730
00:31:22,246 --> 00:31:24,047
A who?
731
00:31:24,114 --> 00:31:26,182
You have to
keep an eye out
for serial killers.
732
00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:29,752
He's not a serial killer.
At least he didn't
mention it.
733
00:31:29,820 --> 00:31:31,554
Yeah, well,
you have to be careful.
734
00:31:31,621 --> 00:31:34,190
Sometimes they put you
in the trunk of a car
and you can't breathe.
735
00:31:34,258 --> 00:31:36,159
I'm not...
I'm serious.
736
00:31:36,226 --> 00:31:39,329
I told him your theory
about capital punishment.
737
00:31:40,230 --> 00:31:41,864
What did you say?
738
00:31:41,932 --> 00:31:45,668
That it should include
people that don't pick up
after their dogs,
739
00:31:45,735 --> 00:31:47,370
people who ride their
bikes on the sidewalk,
740
00:31:47,438 --> 00:31:50,340
people who call
mothers "moms" and...
741
00:31:50,407 --> 00:31:53,343
I can't remember them all,
you have so many.
742
00:31:59,216 --> 00:32:00,984
How do I look?
- Subnormal.
743
00:32:02,019 --> 00:32:03,853
Why? What's wrong?
744
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:05,554
That's an awfully
aggressive ensemble.
745
00:32:05,622 --> 00:32:08,224
You looking to wind up
in an abortion clinic?
746
00:32:08,292 --> 00:32:09,758
MELODY: I want
to look nice.
747
00:32:09,826 --> 00:32:11,394
Just kind of
give him an idea
748
00:32:11,462 --> 00:32:14,197
of what he might be in for
if he plays his cards right.
749
00:32:14,264 --> 00:32:16,866
Oh, yeah?
What's he in for?
750
00:32:16,933 --> 00:32:19,102
All the stuff
with a woman
that you reject,
751
00:32:19,169 --> 00:32:21,670
because you're a genius
and you're above it all.
752
00:32:21,738 --> 00:32:23,706
But I happen to be
pretty sharp, too,
753
00:32:23,773 --> 00:32:26,775
and I have a natural talent
in the field of
fooling around.
754
00:32:26,843 --> 00:32:29,045
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Yeah, well, I just hope
you're saving your money
755
00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:32,215
so you can move out
quickly, you know,
now that you're working.
756
00:32:32,282 --> 00:32:33,716
MELODY: Hi, Perry!
757
00:32:33,783 --> 00:32:35,084
PERRY: Hey. Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on the train.
758
00:32:35,152 --> 00:32:37,020
No, it's fine.
Come on in.
759
00:32:38,255 --> 00:32:39,588
This is Perry.
760
00:32:39,656 --> 00:32:42,658
Hi. Your daughter
is very lovely,
Mr. Celestine.
761
00:32:43,727 --> 00:32:45,228
I'm not her father.
762
00:32:46,463 --> 00:32:47,963
Grandfather?
763
00:32:48,032 --> 00:32:51,067
Perry, I told you
I was staying
with a friend.
764
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:52,902
So what do you do, Perry?
765
00:32:52,969 --> 00:32:56,839
He's studying.
Investments and
investing things.
766
00:32:58,075 --> 00:32:59,442
You got any
767
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,012
identification?
768
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,380
Pardon me?
769
00:33:04,448 --> 00:33:08,017
You know,
driver's license,
birth certificate.
770
00:33:08,085 --> 00:33:10,453
No, sir. I never
carry around my
birth certificate.
771
00:33:10,521 --> 00:33:13,423
Why would I?
772
00:33:13,490 --> 00:33:15,558
(WHISPERING) Be careful,
Bundy sometimes
posed as a banker.
773
00:33:15,625 --> 00:33:17,360
Oh!
774
00:33:17,428 --> 00:33:20,563
I'm just gonna go
finish getting ready.
I'll be right back.
775
00:33:26,070 --> 00:33:29,705
Melody tells me you're
a very brilliant man.
776
00:33:29,773 --> 00:33:31,774
If an IQ of 200
is brilliant.
777
00:33:31,841 --> 00:33:36,579
She explained
to me your theory about
life being meaningless.
778
00:33:36,646 --> 00:33:38,914
Don't let it
spoil your evening.
779
00:33:38,982 --> 00:33:40,683
Okay, let's go, Perry.
780
00:33:40,750 --> 00:33:41,884
Okay.
781
00:33:41,952 --> 00:33:43,719
Hey! Come here.
782
00:33:43,787 --> 00:33:45,154
Don't give him any
information about me.
783
00:33:45,222 --> 00:33:46,855
Like what?
784
00:33:46,923 --> 00:33:49,992
You know, dates,
credit card numbers,
blood type, things like that.
785
00:33:50,060 --> 00:33:51,727
Goodbye, Boris.
786
00:33:51,795 --> 00:33:53,629
Oh, and hey,
if I'm not here
when you get back,
787
00:33:53,697 --> 00:33:54,997
don't worry.
788
00:33:55,065 --> 00:33:57,400
Oh? Where are you going?
789
00:33:57,468 --> 00:33:59,635
Out.
- Okay, fine.
790
00:33:59,703 --> 00:34:02,071
Yeah, I have friends, too.
- Okay. Yeah.
791
00:34:03,373 --> 00:34:05,108
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
792
00:34:08,745 --> 00:34:10,413
I even heard the
opening's supposed
to be good.
793
00:34:10,481 --> 00:34:12,948
Yeah, they are.
Have you seen
them before?
794
00:34:13,016 --> 00:34:16,419
No, no. This is
my first concert
in New York.
795
00:34:16,487 --> 00:34:18,154
You didn't tell me that.
796
00:34:19,990 --> 00:34:21,491
Get the hell out of here.
797
00:34:21,558 --> 00:34:24,026
In America,
they have summer camps
for everything.
798
00:34:24,094 --> 00:34:26,596
Rich kids,
basketball camp,
magic camp.
799
00:34:26,663 --> 00:34:29,398
JOE: Tennis camp.
- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!
800
00:34:29,466 --> 00:34:30,633
(LAUGHS)
801
00:34:30,700 --> 00:34:32,935
They should have
a concentration camp.
802
00:34:33,003 --> 00:34:35,605
Two weeks mandatory
for all kids growing up,
803
00:34:35,672 --> 00:34:37,573
so they would
finally understand
804
00:34:37,641 --> 00:34:39,742
what the human race
is capable of.
805
00:34:39,809 --> 00:34:42,911
JOE: Brilliant!
Except who'd send their kid
to a concentration camp?
806
00:34:42,979 --> 00:34:46,982
BORIS: A responsible parent
who wants their child
to grasp reality.
807
00:34:47,050 --> 00:34:49,185
All right, all right,
all right, let's change
the subject.
808
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:51,354
Meanwhile,
Harry Lawson died.
809
00:34:51,421 --> 00:34:52,955
BORIS: Harry Lawson?
Yeah, I heard.
810
00:34:53,023 --> 00:34:55,090
Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
- Really?
811
00:34:55,159 --> 00:34:56,559
What a great chemist.
812
00:34:56,627 --> 00:34:58,127
But he was a smoker.
813
00:34:58,195 --> 00:35:00,596
(EXCLAIMS)
A smoker. The minute a person dies,
814
00:35:00,664 --> 00:35:02,598
he's a smoker
or overweight.
815
00:35:02,666 --> 00:35:05,968
Hey, I got news for you,
thin non-smokers die, too.
Okay?
816
00:35:06,036 --> 00:35:07,970
Abstinence isn't
going to save you.
817
00:35:08,038 --> 00:35:09,238
You're pleasant tonight.
818
00:35:09,306 --> 00:35:10,406
What are you talking about?
819
00:35:10,474 --> 00:35:12,074
BROCKMAN:
Where's Melody tonight?
820
00:35:12,142 --> 00:35:15,878
She's out listening to
some eardrum-busting
bilge posing as music.
821
00:35:15,945 --> 00:35:17,580
I thought you were
going to kick her out.
822
00:35:17,648 --> 00:35:21,050
Well,
hopefully this guy tonight
will take her off my hands.
823
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:25,454
You know, why not?
I mean, she's pretty.
824
00:35:27,123 --> 00:35:28,924
Now she's pretty?
825
00:35:28,992 --> 00:35:32,495
What? I'm just saying
she's not atrocious-looking.
That's all.
826
00:35:32,563 --> 00:35:35,231
I'd say a seven or eight.
827
00:35:37,701 --> 00:35:38,801
(DOOR OPENS)
828
00:35:40,504 --> 00:35:41,970
BORIS: Anybody here?
829
00:36:09,866 --> 00:36:12,167
(POP SONG PLAYING)
830
00:36:12,236 --> 00:36:13,769
(MUSIC STOPS)
831
00:36:22,779 --> 00:36:25,080
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
832
00:36:38,228 --> 00:36:39,595
(SIGHING)
833
00:36:44,868 --> 00:36:46,068
(DOOR OPENS)
834
00:36:50,874 --> 00:36:52,141
Oh, you're up!
835
00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,409
Yeah, I just got in.
836
00:36:55,579 --> 00:36:57,313
And what did you do?
837
00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:00,750
I went dancing
at a Latin club.
It was limbo night.
838
00:37:00,817 --> 00:37:02,551
Shut up!
839
00:37:02,619 --> 00:37:05,254
You were talking about
people and politics
840
00:37:05,322 --> 00:37:08,424
and all that stuff
you guys like to hate.
841
00:37:08,492 --> 00:37:10,225
How was your date?
842
00:37:10,294 --> 00:37:14,096
It was a big washout! Yeah.
- Really?
843
00:37:14,164 --> 00:37:15,998
This particular
rock band wasn't
any good?
844
00:37:16,065 --> 00:37:17,433
I don't know how
you can differentiate?
845
00:37:17,501 --> 00:37:19,502
No! No, the music was fine.
846
00:37:19,569 --> 00:37:23,506
Just that guy
and his friends!
I just...
847
00:37:23,573 --> 00:37:24,774
What?
848
00:37:24,841 --> 00:37:29,612
Well, his taste! He just...
He likes everything.
849
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:33,916
Life, love, human beings!
850
00:37:33,983 --> 00:37:35,418
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
851
00:37:35,485 --> 00:37:39,254
And the couple that
we double-dated with,
they were just protons!
852
00:37:39,889 --> 00:37:41,390
Protons?
853
00:37:41,458 --> 00:37:42,891
Do I mean protons?
854
00:37:43,694 --> 00:37:45,461
Cretins!
855
00:37:45,529 --> 00:37:47,029
Cretins, that's
what I mean.
856
00:37:47,096 --> 00:37:49,998
Yeah, they didn't know
the first thing about
string theory.
857
00:37:51,234 --> 00:37:53,402
I think you're
a little drunk.
858
00:37:54,371 --> 00:37:56,706
I did have a few drinks.
859
00:37:56,773 --> 00:38:00,943
But can you blame me?
Hanging out with
those inchworms?
860
00:38:01,010 --> 00:38:05,113
I mean, they actually
think that love is
the answer to everything.
861
00:38:08,318 --> 00:38:11,821
I told them
about Jethro Paige
from back home.
862
00:38:11,888 --> 00:38:16,592
He got caught
doing it with a sheep.
Making love with a sheep.
863
00:38:16,660 --> 00:38:19,595
And they were all
laughing and everything,
864
00:38:19,663 --> 00:38:22,732
but I just looked at them
and said, "Folks,
865
00:38:22,799 --> 00:38:26,268
"as Boris would say,
whatever works."
866
00:38:30,173 --> 00:38:31,874
What are you looking at?
867
00:38:31,941 --> 00:38:33,308
Unbelievable.
868
00:38:35,445 --> 00:38:39,715
The chance factor in life
is mind-boggling.
869
00:38:41,785 --> 00:38:43,586
You entered the world
870
00:38:44,421 --> 00:38:46,054
by a random event
871
00:38:47,090 --> 00:38:49,425
somewhere along
the Mississippi.
872
00:38:50,660 --> 00:38:53,629
I, having emerged
through the conjoining
873
00:38:53,697 --> 00:38:57,165
of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff
in the Bronx,
874
00:38:58,167 --> 00:38:59,835
decades earlier.
875
00:39:01,104 --> 00:39:03,205
And through an astronomical
876
00:39:03,273 --> 00:39:05,908
concatenation
of circumstances,
877
00:39:07,477 --> 00:39:09,077
our paths cross.
878
00:39:10,614 --> 00:39:12,014
Two runaways
879
00:39:13,182 --> 00:39:16,452
in the vast, black,
880
00:39:17,754 --> 00:39:19,488
unspeakably violent
881
00:39:21,124 --> 00:39:23,125
and indifferent universe.
882
00:39:25,695 --> 00:39:28,363
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
883
00:39:35,872 --> 00:39:40,342
Can you believe
I married her?
What possessed me?
884
00:39:40,410 --> 00:39:42,645
This search in life
for something
885
00:39:42,712 --> 00:39:44,914
to give the illusion
of meaning.
886
00:39:44,981 --> 00:39:47,382
To quell the panic.
887
00:39:47,451 --> 00:39:50,419
All right,
so it's been a year.
888
00:39:50,487 --> 00:39:53,422
Three hundred
and sixty-five days
of married life.
889
00:39:53,490 --> 00:39:57,059
And you know what?
Not the worst year
of my life, either.
890
00:39:58,528 --> 00:40:00,062
What are these?
891
00:40:00,129 --> 00:40:01,330
They're grits.
892
00:40:01,397 --> 00:40:02,565
Seriously?
- Mmm-hmm.
893
00:40:08,438 --> 00:40:10,673
They're actually disgusting.
894
00:40:10,740 --> 00:40:13,576
BORIS: She's cheerful,
not demanding.
895
00:40:13,643 --> 00:40:16,044
Okay, not as brilliant
as Jessica,
896
00:40:16,112 --> 00:40:18,914
but not as ambitious
and predatory, either.
897
00:40:18,982 --> 00:40:22,885
Jessica's problem
was she made up in ego
what she lacked in superego.
898
00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,553
But not Melody.
899
00:40:24,621 --> 00:40:27,690
She likes being a nanny.
She's happy with
other people's kids,
900
00:40:27,757 --> 00:40:31,426
so mercifully
she doesn't bother me
about having our own.
901
00:40:31,495 --> 00:40:33,362
Once a week we see a movie.
902
00:40:33,429 --> 00:40:36,031
Maybe she doesn't
understand everything
I take her to,
903
00:40:36,099 --> 00:40:38,133
but she tries and
she's a good sport.
904
00:40:38,201 --> 00:40:41,069
She sits up nights with me
when I have my panic attacks.
905
00:40:41,137 --> 00:40:42,972
She keeps me company
at the emergency room
906
00:40:43,039 --> 00:40:45,975
when I'm convinced
my mosquito bite
is a melanoma.
907
00:40:47,010 --> 00:40:48,677
Yes, my life
is circumscribed,
908
00:40:48,745 --> 00:40:51,146
but I manage
to avoid stress.
909
00:40:51,214 --> 00:40:53,115
I've achieved
a delicate balance.
910
00:40:53,182 --> 00:40:55,250
And as long as
I can maintain it,
911
00:40:55,318 --> 00:40:57,352
I feel less inclined
to ending it.
912
00:41:14,303 --> 00:41:17,172
(POP SONG PLAYING)
913
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,141
# You heard what I said
914
00:41:20,109 --> 00:41:21,143
# No turning back now #
915
00:41:21,210 --> 00:41:22,912
Oh, no, no, no.
916
00:41:22,979 --> 00:41:26,314
Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
- What?
917
00:41:26,382 --> 00:41:27,816
I like music
I can dance to.
918
00:41:27,884 --> 00:41:29,919
I know, I know,
but this is brutal.
919
00:41:29,986 --> 00:41:31,754
Here, you know
what I want you to do?
920
00:41:31,821 --> 00:41:35,591
Put this on. Okay?
And then when I come out,
we'll discuss it.
921
00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:37,526
All right, I'll try.
922
00:41:39,563 --> 00:41:41,597
It's Beethoven's Fifth!
923
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:45,267
Think of the music
as fate knocking on the door.
924
00:41:45,334 --> 00:41:48,336
Maybe a little story
will help you appreciate it.
925
00:41:49,105 --> 00:41:50,272
(DOOR CLOSES)
926
00:41:50,339 --> 00:41:52,708
(SIGHING) Fate knocking
on the door.
927
00:41:55,211 --> 00:41:56,946
(BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH PLAYING)
928
00:41:57,013 --> 00:41:58,313
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
929
00:42:15,364 --> 00:42:16,999
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
930
00:42:24,007 --> 00:42:25,007
(MUSIC STOPS)
931
00:42:25,075 --> 00:42:26,075
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
932
00:42:31,281 --> 00:42:32,315
(GASPS)
933
00:42:32,382 --> 00:42:34,383
Mother?
- Melody!
934
00:42:34,451 --> 00:42:36,052
Oh, it's you!
935
00:42:36,119 --> 00:42:37,453
Oh, my God.
936
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:38,787
It's my baby!
937
00:42:38,855 --> 00:42:40,089
(LAUGHING)
938
00:42:40,157 --> 00:42:42,491
I finally found you,
praise Jesus!
939
00:42:42,559 --> 00:42:44,327
How did you find me?
940
00:42:44,394 --> 00:42:46,728
Oh, my prayers
were finally answered!
941
00:42:46,796 --> 00:42:50,166
I can't...
You're just the last
person I expected to see.
942
00:42:50,233 --> 00:42:52,134
Well, when you
least expect it,
943
00:42:52,202 --> 00:42:53,735
fate has a way of
knocking on your door.
944
00:42:53,803 --> 00:42:56,672
Yeah, it does. Okay.
Oh, you have a bag.
945
00:43:00,610 --> 00:43:03,079
What are you doing here?
946
00:43:03,146 --> 00:43:05,247
Well, I was trying
to find you, honey.
947
00:43:05,315 --> 00:43:06,849
Why?
948
00:43:06,916 --> 00:43:08,317
I came to
find you, honey!
949
00:43:08,385 --> 00:43:09,751
You did?
950
00:43:09,819 --> 00:43:12,488
Oh, we searched
and searched.
951
00:43:12,555 --> 00:43:13,755
The police looked
for clues.
952
00:43:13,823 --> 00:43:14,823
Everything led
to a dead end.
953
00:43:14,891 --> 00:43:16,192
Whoa!
954
00:43:16,259 --> 00:43:18,927
How we worried.
I developed crow's feet
from the worrying.
955
00:43:18,996 --> 00:43:20,863
Now look here.
I had a little work done.
956
00:43:20,930 --> 00:43:22,465
Mother,
I left you a letter.
957
00:43:22,532 --> 00:43:24,200
I told you
I'd be all right.
958
00:43:24,267 --> 00:43:27,936
Melody Saint Anne,
I'd hardly call
this all right!
959
00:43:28,005 --> 00:43:29,972
Well, what's
wrong with it?
960
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:33,476
What's wrong?
What's happened
to your senses?
961
00:43:33,543 --> 00:43:36,879
Everything's wrong.
You're living
like a sharecropper.
962
00:43:36,946 --> 00:43:38,481
But it's clean
as a whistle.
963
00:43:38,548 --> 00:43:39,748
I clean it myself
every day.
964
00:43:39,816 --> 00:43:42,351
You clean?
You don't have a woman?
965
00:43:42,419 --> 00:43:44,887
Boris can't
really afford help.
966
00:43:44,954 --> 00:43:46,522
Who?
- Boris.
967
00:43:48,025 --> 00:43:49,758
Who's Boris?
968
00:43:49,826 --> 00:43:51,227
My husband.
969
00:43:51,294 --> 00:43:52,895
What?
970
00:43:52,962 --> 00:43:55,297
That's right, Mama,
I got married.
971
00:43:55,365 --> 00:43:56,932
And he's taken you
to live here?
972
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,101
No, no,
I moved in with him.
973
00:43:59,169 --> 00:44:00,669
Oh...
974
00:44:00,737 --> 00:44:02,638
I have to have a drink.
975
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:04,407
(SIGHING)
976
00:44:04,474 --> 00:44:07,343
I need to sit.
I need an anesthetic.
977
00:44:07,411 --> 00:44:10,979
Okay, okay, have a seat.
We don't have any
bourbon or nothing.
978
00:44:11,048 --> 00:44:14,983
Just bring me the drink
with the highest volume
of alcohol you have.
979
00:44:16,986 --> 00:44:19,422
You know, Mama,
I'm kind of happy.
980
00:44:20,057 --> 00:44:22,091
Kind of happy?
981
00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:24,326
You leave
a loving home in Eden,
982
00:44:24,394 --> 00:44:25,727
run off with
some crazy kid,
983
00:44:25,795 --> 00:44:28,130
I'm guessing
he's a rock musician
984
00:44:28,198 --> 00:44:31,534
who can't earn
a respectable living,
and you wind up
985
00:44:31,601 --> 00:44:35,003
in this decadent city,
living in a rattrap.
986
00:44:35,072 --> 00:44:37,440
This is exactly
why I ran away.
987
00:44:37,507 --> 00:44:39,108
Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea?
988
00:44:39,176 --> 00:44:40,709
Why did you forsake
your loving home?
989
00:44:40,777 --> 00:44:43,612
Because, Mama, you're...
990
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:46,949
You're overbearing.
That's it.
You're overbearing
991
00:44:47,016 --> 00:44:50,586
and you fail to
see the big picture.
992
00:44:50,653 --> 00:44:53,389
What big picture
are you talking about?
993
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:55,991
I don't know.
994
00:44:56,059 --> 00:44:59,761
All I know is
that nothing moves faster
than the speed of light,
995
00:44:59,829 --> 00:45:02,798
so you may as well relax.
996
00:45:02,865 --> 00:45:04,633
I'm just gonna have
a little moment of prayer.
997
00:45:04,701 --> 00:45:06,034
(TOILET FLUSHING)
998
00:45:06,103 --> 00:45:09,171
Mama, you're still
caught up in that
Christian superstition?
999
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:10,272
(SIGHING)
1000
00:45:10,340 --> 00:45:11,974
BORIS:
# Happy birthday to you
1001
00:45:12,041 --> 00:45:13,509
What's that?
1002
00:45:13,577 --> 00:45:15,411
That's Boris.
1003
00:45:15,479 --> 00:45:16,979
It's his birthday?
1004
00:45:17,046 --> 00:45:18,680
MELODY: No, he's just
washing his hands.
1005
00:45:18,748 --> 00:45:20,449
# Happy birthday, dear Boris
1006
00:45:20,517 --> 00:45:22,050
# Happy birthday to you #
1007
00:45:29,392 --> 00:45:31,160
Who's this?
1008
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:33,529
MELODY: Boris,
this is my mother.
1009
00:45:34,498 --> 00:45:36,665
Mother, my husband.
1010
00:45:39,769 --> 00:45:42,371
(GASPS)
Mama! Mama!
1011
00:45:42,439 --> 00:45:44,740
Walk her around,
she's obviously
a boozehound.
1012
00:45:44,807 --> 00:45:46,342
Mama, are you all right?
1013
00:45:46,409 --> 00:45:48,010
Did he drug you?
- What?
1014
00:45:48,077 --> 00:45:50,446
Are you on sodium pentothal?
- No.
1015
00:45:50,514 --> 00:45:53,582
That's what they do,
the secular humanists.
1016
00:45:53,650 --> 00:45:56,952
It's uncanny.
She's exactly the kind of
moron you described.
1017
00:45:57,020 --> 00:45:59,622
You are not
the gentleman
I was expecting.
1018
00:45:59,689 --> 00:46:01,223
I'm sure not.
I'm sure you'd be happy
1019
00:46:01,291 --> 00:46:03,292
if she married
the guy who caught
the biggest catfish
1020
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:04,693
in Plaquemines County.
1021
00:46:04,761 --> 00:46:07,029
I'd be happier if
she married the catfish.
1022
00:46:07,096 --> 00:46:10,098
No, you see, Mama,
Boris is a genius.
Okay?
1023
00:46:10,167 --> 00:46:12,368
He doesn't have
a lot of patience
for us inchworms.
1024
00:46:12,435 --> 00:46:13,969
We, we inchworms.
- We.
1025
00:46:14,037 --> 00:46:15,103
Some genius.
1026
00:46:15,172 --> 00:46:17,606
I was almost nominated
for a Nobel Prize.
1027
00:46:17,674 --> 00:46:20,942
That's right, Boris.
And what was it for again?
Best Picture?
1028
00:46:21,010 --> 00:46:22,378
MARIETTA: I need more booze.
1029
00:46:22,445 --> 00:46:23,979
MELODY: You know,
you never said
how you found me.
1030
00:46:24,047 --> 00:46:28,417
Oh, Melody.
I have a sad tale
to tell you.
1031
00:46:28,485 --> 00:46:30,252
What happened, Mama?
1032
00:46:31,621 --> 00:46:33,422
Your father left me.
1033
00:46:33,490 --> 00:46:34,557
Oh.
1034
00:46:34,624 --> 00:46:35,691
MARIETTA: Aren't you shocked?
1035
00:46:35,758 --> 00:46:36,858
MELODY: No.
1036
00:46:36,926 --> 00:46:38,627
And with who,
of all people?
1037
00:46:38,695 --> 00:46:40,796
My best friend, Mandy.
- Your best friend, Mandy.
1038
00:46:40,863 --> 00:46:42,698
How did you know?
- Oh, Mama.
1039
00:46:42,765 --> 00:46:46,502
It was as plain as
the nose on your face.
Cliche, sorry.
1040
00:46:46,570 --> 00:46:48,370
MARIETTA: At first
I thought he was
acting peculiar,
1041
00:46:48,438 --> 00:46:51,740
because things was going
so bad for us, darling.
1042
00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:53,108
How often did you
have intercourse?
1043
00:46:53,176 --> 00:46:55,678
Are you going to close
that insulting mouth?
1044
00:46:55,745 --> 00:46:56,878
(SHUSHING)
1045
00:46:56,946 --> 00:46:59,648
By bad,
I mean he lost
a lot of money
1046
00:46:59,716 --> 00:47:00,882
in the stock market
after you left
1047
00:47:00,950 --> 00:47:02,451
and we were forced
to sell the house.
1048
00:47:02,519 --> 00:47:04,820
You sold the house?
- I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating,
1049
00:47:04,887 --> 00:47:06,589
because we were
so desperate.
1050
00:47:06,656 --> 00:47:09,157
And then he lost his job,
the company went
out of business.
1051
00:47:09,226 --> 00:47:11,594
And then we
spent all our savings
on medical bills,
1052
00:47:11,661 --> 00:47:14,230
'cause I came down
with a case of
the shingles!
1053
00:47:14,297 --> 00:47:15,331
Oh, my God.
1054
00:47:15,398 --> 00:47:17,132
Christ, this is like Job.
No locusts?
1055
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:20,102
Darling,
I turned to Jesus
in a deeper way
1056
00:47:20,169 --> 00:47:21,937
than I had ever
done in my life.
1057
00:47:22,004 --> 00:47:25,974
I prayed and I prayed,
every day and every night,
1058
00:47:26,042 --> 00:47:28,110
asking God to help me.
1059
00:47:28,177 --> 00:47:30,613
(PANTING)
Let me guess what happened,
your shingles got worse.
1060
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:33,549
I said, "Lord,
just give me one sign
1061
00:47:33,617 --> 00:47:35,618
"that all my suffering
is for a purpose."
1062
00:47:35,685 --> 00:47:38,387
I said, "Please, God,
just say something."
1063
00:47:38,455 --> 00:47:41,223
"Break your silence.
I can't take
any more misery!"
1064
00:47:41,291 --> 00:47:45,026
Nothing, right?
And all that money you put
in the tin box every Sunday.
1065
00:48:02,845 --> 00:48:05,147
Abortion is murder,
that's the long
and short of it.
1066
00:48:05,214 --> 00:48:06,815
That's how I feel. Well...
- Even if the woman is raped?
1067
00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:07,983
Why are you wasting
your breath, Brockman?
1068
00:48:08,050 --> 00:48:09,385
You're dealing
with an aborigine.
1069
00:48:09,452 --> 00:48:11,453
You don't mind
killing the unborn,
1070
00:48:11,521 --> 00:48:13,722
but when some fiend
has raped and murdered,
1071
00:48:13,790 --> 00:48:15,691
you're against
giving him that
big old injection?
1072
00:48:15,759 --> 00:48:17,393
Well, not me,
Mr. Genius,
1073
00:48:17,460 --> 00:48:19,428
and I don't care
how many Academy
Awards you've won.
1074
00:48:19,496 --> 00:48:21,029
I've never won
an Academy Award
1075
00:48:21,097 --> 00:48:23,499
and I've never played
for the Yankees!
1076
00:48:23,566 --> 00:48:27,770
Where's the little girl's? Thank you.
- It's back there.
1077
00:48:27,837 --> 00:48:31,407
Don't forget to sing
The Star-Spangled Banner
before you sit.
1078
00:48:42,218 --> 00:48:43,452
Oh.
1079
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:46,087
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
1080
00:48:46,155 --> 00:48:47,856
I realize
this is forward,
1081
00:48:47,924 --> 00:48:50,426
but who's that
beautiful young girl
you're with?
1082
00:48:50,493 --> 00:48:52,695
May I ask why
you want to know?
1083
00:48:52,762 --> 00:48:54,330
Well, because
she's very beautiful.
1084
00:48:54,397 --> 00:48:56,498
And I'm assuming
she's your daughter?
1085
00:49:01,270 --> 00:49:03,572
What did you say
your name was, darling?
1086
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,675
Randy. Randy Lee James.
- Randy Lee James.
1087
00:49:06,743 --> 00:49:08,444
Nice to meet you.
1088
00:49:08,511 --> 00:49:09,645
It's too good.
I think they're putting
mayonnaise in here.
1089
00:49:09,713 --> 00:49:11,146
No, they can't put
mayonnaise in hummus.
1090
00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:13,582
Hello.
Oh, thank you.
1091
00:49:13,650 --> 00:49:14,717
Who were you
talking to?
1092
00:49:14,784 --> 00:49:16,819
I wasn't talking
to anybody. Nobody.
1093
00:49:16,886 --> 00:49:19,321
Listen, listen,
I want to go
someplace fun.
1094
00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,824
Take me someplace fun!
It's New York! Let's go.
1095
00:49:21,891 --> 00:49:23,792
Boris, where can I
take her that's fun?
1096
00:49:23,860 --> 00:49:25,026
How about
the Holocaust Museum?
1097
00:49:25,094 --> 00:49:26,562
Oh, for God's sake, Boris.
- No.
1098
00:49:26,629 --> 00:49:28,630
Oh, the wax! The wax figures.
- Oh, yes.
1099
00:49:28,698 --> 00:49:31,400
Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.
- Let's do that.
1100
00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:33,535
It was so nice to meet you, Leo.
- You, too. Have a nice day.
1101
00:49:33,603 --> 00:49:35,070
Bye. Bye, bye.
1102
00:49:35,137 --> 00:49:38,073
Bye. Have fun!
1103
00:49:38,140 --> 00:49:41,777
You know, I have to say,
even with a textbook
right-wing mentality,
1104
00:49:41,845 --> 00:49:44,680
your mother-in-law has
beautifully shaped breasts.
1105
00:49:44,748 --> 00:49:47,249
You know,
you're a man of learning,
1106
00:49:47,316 --> 00:49:50,452
of cultivation of
aesthetic sensibility.
1107
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:53,088
This is what you
take away from the
school-prayer hokum
1108
00:49:53,155 --> 00:49:55,424
and "my country
right or wrong"?
Her bosom?
1109
00:49:55,492 --> 00:50:01,129
It's not just her bosom.
Her behind is also
beautifully contoured.
1110
00:50:01,197 --> 00:50:03,231
Well, I'm sure
you'll have no problem
getting her into bed.
1111
00:50:03,299 --> 00:50:06,101
She's vulnerable,
she's stupid and
she's been abandoned.
1112
00:50:06,168 --> 00:50:07,803
Personally, I lose
all erotic inclination
1113
00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:10,439
when the woman's a
member of the National
Rifle Association.
1114
00:50:10,507 --> 00:50:12,374
It's pear-shaped.
1115
00:50:12,442 --> 00:50:13,842
Degas used to
distinguish between
1116
00:50:13,910 --> 00:50:16,612
an apple-shaped behind
and pear-shaped.
1117
00:50:16,679 --> 00:50:19,080
And I'm a big fruit eater.
1118
00:50:19,148 --> 00:50:21,283
Melody.
- That's so weird.
1119
00:50:22,519 --> 00:50:24,586
Oh, my God.
Oh, hello.
1120
00:50:24,654 --> 00:50:26,254
They're made out
of real wax, too.
1121
00:50:26,322 --> 00:50:27,623
Oh, it's Billy.
Billy...
1122
00:50:27,690 --> 00:50:29,625
Billy Graham!
1123
00:50:29,692 --> 00:50:31,627
Oh, sweet pea,
sweet pea,
1124
00:50:31,694 --> 00:50:34,229
this is the kind of man
you should be married to,
1125
00:50:34,297 --> 00:50:36,197
not that Communist
who sings Happy Birthday
1126
00:50:36,265 --> 00:50:38,366
every time he
washes his hands.
1127
00:50:38,435 --> 00:50:40,302
How long are
you staying, Mom?
1128
00:50:40,369 --> 00:50:42,905
Honey, I don't know
where else to go.
1129
00:50:42,972 --> 00:50:44,706
I have nothing
to hold onto.
1130
00:50:44,774 --> 00:50:46,975
Nothing! I have to
have something.
1131
00:50:47,043 --> 00:50:51,146
I mean, I'm never
going to attract a man
again, but you can. Yes.
1132
00:50:51,213 --> 00:50:52,714
I don't want to
get in an argument.
1133
00:50:52,782 --> 00:50:55,818
Honey, I met a young man today
who is perfect for you.
1134
00:50:55,885 --> 00:50:57,352
Mom!
- Yes. Listen to me.
1135
00:50:57,420 --> 00:50:59,655
He is talented,
handsome, sweet,
1136
00:50:59,722 --> 00:51:03,224
and he has the proper
reverence for life
and its higher purpose.
1137
00:51:03,292 --> 00:51:04,827
What are you
talking about?
1138
00:51:04,894 --> 00:51:06,995
Face it, Melody,
Boris is not
like a real husband.
1139
00:51:07,063 --> 00:51:10,065
He's more of an outpatient
and you're his keeper.
1140
00:51:10,132 --> 00:51:12,367
I really wish you
hadn't showed up, Mom.
1141
00:51:12,435 --> 00:51:15,403
His name is
Randy Lee James.
1142
00:51:15,472 --> 00:51:16,572
Who?
1143
00:51:16,639 --> 00:51:17,973
This delightful young actor.
1144
00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:19,475
He fell in love with you
at first sight.
1145
00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:21,743
He did. He did.
- Mom, I'm married!
1146
00:51:21,811 --> 00:51:25,347
I refuse to recognize it.
What are you doing
with a gimpy chess bum
1147
00:51:25,414 --> 00:51:27,015
who has to sleep
with the light on?
1148
00:51:27,083 --> 00:51:29,317
How'd he get that limp?
1149
00:51:29,385 --> 00:51:31,753
He jumped out the window
and his suicide didn't work.
1150
00:51:31,821 --> 00:51:34,422
Well, you can't
win them all.
Now, listen,
1151
00:51:34,491 --> 00:51:37,092
I have a good lawyer
who can get all
of this annulled.
1152
00:51:37,159 --> 00:51:40,195
All of it. Yes. Yes.
- No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!
1153
00:51:40,262 --> 00:51:42,197
Oh, hello.
1154
00:51:42,264 --> 00:51:45,033
# Happy birthday, dear Boris
1155
00:51:45,101 --> 00:51:47,102
# Happy birthday to you
1156
00:51:47,770 --> 00:51:49,872
# Happy birthday to you
1157
00:51:49,939 --> 00:51:52,040
# Happy birthday to you
1158
00:51:52,108 --> 00:51:55,477
# Happy birthday, dear Boris
1159
00:51:55,545 --> 00:51:59,280
# Happy birthday to you #
1160
00:51:59,348 --> 00:52:02,050
(PHONE RINGING)
1161
00:52:02,118 --> 00:52:03,585
Who could be calling
at midnight?
1162
00:52:03,653 --> 00:52:06,054
Could be burglars,
casing the place.
1163
00:52:06,122 --> 00:52:08,624
To steal what?
Your Flomax?
1164
00:52:09,526 --> 00:52:10,759
Hello?
1165
00:52:11,427 --> 00:52:12,661
Oh, hi.
1166
00:52:13,530 --> 00:52:15,631
Yeah, just a second.
1167
00:52:15,698 --> 00:52:18,066
It's for me?
- Yes.
1168
00:52:18,134 --> 00:52:20,402
Don't give away
any information about me!
1169
00:52:20,469 --> 00:52:22,137
MARIETTA: Hello?
Oh, hello, Leo.
1170
00:52:22,204 --> 00:52:23,304
It's Leo Brockman.
1171
00:52:23,372 --> 00:52:24,406
Brockman?
1172
00:52:24,473 --> 00:52:25,674
Really?
1173
00:52:25,742 --> 00:52:26,909
(CHUCKLES)
1174
00:52:26,976 --> 00:52:29,144
Well, that sounds wonderful.
1175
00:52:30,980 --> 00:52:35,083
Well, yeah,
Sunday's fine. Yeah.
1176
00:52:35,151 --> 00:52:37,986
3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect.
1177
00:52:39,155 --> 00:52:42,090
Okay. Yeah.
See you, darling.
1178
00:52:42,158 --> 00:52:47,029
"See you, darling"?
"See you, darling"?
Oh, God, poor Brockman!
1179
00:52:47,096 --> 00:52:48,597
Good night, y'all.
1180
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:50,231
I'm going to say
my prayers.
1181
00:52:50,299 --> 00:52:52,467
I'm praying
Brockman has herpes.
1182
00:52:53,937 --> 00:52:55,470
MARIETTA: That was
so wonderful!
1183
00:52:55,538 --> 00:52:58,306
I never in my life
saw a movie in
Japanese before.
1184
00:52:58,374 --> 00:53:00,008
Did you like it?
- Oh, yes!
1185
00:53:00,076 --> 00:53:02,711
I've never seen
a movie made by
a foreigner.
1186
00:53:02,779 --> 00:53:05,714
John, my husband,
took me to see
stupid movies,
1187
00:53:05,782 --> 00:53:07,816
which was
all there was.
1188
00:53:07,884 --> 00:53:09,985
How do you say this?
"Chateau" what?
1189
00:53:10,053 --> 00:53:11,286
BROCKMAN: Meyney.
1190
00:53:11,353 --> 00:53:12,788
The what?
- Meyney.
1191
00:53:12,855 --> 00:53:14,522
Meyney?
- Yeah.
1192
00:53:15,524 --> 00:53:16,925
It is so delicious.
1193
00:53:16,993 --> 00:53:18,359
(WHOOPING)
I'm glad you like it.
1194
00:53:20,863 --> 00:53:23,398
What do you do?
What do you do, Leo?
1195
00:53:23,466 --> 00:53:26,935
I teach philosophy
at the university
around the corner.
1196
00:53:27,003 --> 00:53:30,706
Tell me something.
Is Boris really a genius?
1197
00:53:30,773 --> 00:53:33,475
There was a time
when he was
a very fine physicist.
1198
00:53:33,542 --> 00:53:35,243
Yeah, your daughter's
very good for Boris.
1199
00:53:35,311 --> 00:53:37,713
It's my theory that
she keeps him going.
1200
00:53:37,780 --> 00:53:40,882
Would you like to see
some pretty pictures
of Melody?
1201
00:53:40,950 --> 00:53:42,250
Ooh. Goodness.
1202
00:53:44,721 --> 00:53:46,254
BROCKMAN: Well, all right.
1203
00:53:46,322 --> 00:53:48,023
Okay.
1204
00:53:48,091 --> 00:53:51,693
Look, here they are.
Look at these.
1205
00:53:51,761 --> 00:53:54,730
Right there, that's where
she is Miss Natchez.
1206
00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:58,667
Wow.
- Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo.
1207
00:53:58,735 --> 00:54:00,435
Oh, God!
Look how gorgeous she is!
1208
00:54:00,503 --> 00:54:02,804
She's so beautiful.
I love her! I love her!
1209
00:54:02,872 --> 00:54:04,606
Very lovely.
- I was so proud of her.
1210
00:54:04,674 --> 00:54:06,207
These pictures are
kind of interesting.
1211
00:54:06,275 --> 00:54:07,943
I know!
She's just gorgeous!
1212
00:54:08,011 --> 00:54:10,345
And she has this...
She's just my
little sweet pea.
1213
00:54:10,412 --> 00:54:12,648
I mean the photos.
Did you take them?
1214
00:54:13,716 --> 00:54:15,450
Yes. Yes.
1215
00:54:15,518 --> 00:54:16,652
And this?
1216
00:54:17,453 --> 00:54:19,021
That's our house.
1217
00:54:19,088 --> 00:54:21,623
(GROANING) Well, it was.
Is there more wine?
1218
00:54:21,691 --> 00:54:23,391
Yeah. You took all these?
1219
00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:26,094
Yes, with my
little old Kodak.
1220
00:54:26,162 --> 00:54:27,195
Uh-huh.
1221
00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:28,530
These are outstanding.
1222
00:54:28,597 --> 00:54:31,299
I mean,
there's such a sense of
texture and composition.
1223
00:54:31,367 --> 00:54:33,135
In these? No.
1224
00:54:33,202 --> 00:54:35,003
No, I mean it. I know
what I'm talking about.
1225
00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,206
I occasionally write
about the aesthetics
of photography.
1226
00:54:38,274 --> 00:54:40,608
Oh, my God. I have to
tell you something.
1227
00:54:40,677 --> 00:54:41,843
Aside from
Melody's career,
1228
00:54:41,911 --> 00:54:44,112
there is nothing,
nothing in the whole world
1229
00:54:44,180 --> 00:54:46,815
that gave me more pleasure
than taking those snapshots.
1230
00:54:46,883 --> 00:54:48,283
Of course, John...
Cheers.
1231
00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:51,153
John hated them and
didn't want me to do it.
1232
00:54:51,220 --> 00:54:53,621
Why?
- Well,
1233
00:54:53,690 --> 00:54:56,291
he actually was fine,
and then I set up
this darkroom
1234
00:54:56,358 --> 00:55:00,261
and he thought I was,
like, squandering all
this time on silliness
1235
00:55:00,329 --> 00:55:01,997
and I guess he
had a point, but...
1236
00:55:02,065 --> 00:55:04,332
I mean, nowadays,
who uses a Kodak anymore?
1237
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:08,336
It's a little Kodak,
and I have to tell
you something, it is...
1238
00:55:08,404 --> 00:55:10,706
It is so simple to use.
It's tiny!
1239
00:55:10,773 --> 00:55:12,540
I picked it up at,
like, a garage sale
1240
00:55:12,608 --> 00:55:16,277
and it just is
so much better than
those big foreign ones.
1241
00:55:16,345 --> 00:55:18,580
No, they're pretty good.
They've got a real
1242
00:55:18,647 --> 00:55:20,849
haunting quality.
They're very primitive.
1243
00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:23,985
I really think you should
talk to my friend
Al Morgenstern.
1244
00:55:24,053 --> 00:55:25,453
He runs
a photography gallery.
1245
00:55:25,521 --> 00:55:26,722
Why?
1246
00:55:26,789 --> 00:55:28,456
Have you got more of these?
1247
00:55:29,092 --> 00:55:30,325
Oh, Lord, yes.
1248
00:55:30,392 --> 00:55:32,393
You know,
all my travels
with the pageants.
1249
00:55:32,461 --> 00:55:35,363
I have the kids
and the towns
1250
00:55:35,431 --> 00:55:37,365
and the winners.
And the losers!
1251
00:55:37,433 --> 00:55:40,535
The losers are the best.
And then I have
all these show folk,
1252
00:55:40,603 --> 00:55:42,537
the twirlers,
the magicians,
1253
00:55:42,605 --> 00:55:44,206
the fire eaters, you know,
things like that.
1254
00:55:44,273 --> 00:55:46,474
They're amazing.
They've got such
an original quality.
1255
00:55:46,542 --> 00:55:48,276
I'll talk to Al
first thing in the morning.
1256
00:55:48,344 --> 00:55:51,213
Oh, no. You know, I think
you're making too much
1257
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:53,815
over a little gift
the good Lord Jesus
gave me.
1258
00:55:53,883 --> 00:55:56,284
That's not the only gift
He gave you.
1259
00:55:59,722 --> 00:56:03,225
You know those clean-cut,
churchgoing young men,
1260
00:56:03,292 --> 00:56:04,826
who are model kids,
1261
00:56:04,893 --> 00:56:08,363
and good to their neighbors
and quote the Bible,
1262
00:56:08,431 --> 00:56:11,999
and never do a wrong thing,
and then one day,
1263
00:56:12,067 --> 00:56:13,702
for whatever reason,
1264
00:56:13,769 --> 00:56:15,837
they grab a rifle,
go to a tower
1265
00:56:15,904 --> 00:56:18,172
and pick off
everyone in town?
1266
00:56:18,241 --> 00:56:21,509
Okay, this is her,
but sexually.
1267
00:56:21,577 --> 00:56:23,478
She slept with Leo Brockman,
1268
00:56:23,546 --> 00:56:26,180
never having been to bed
with anyone before
but her husband,
1269
00:56:26,249 --> 00:56:29,384
and suddenly, the genie
was out of the bottle!
1270
00:56:29,452 --> 00:56:31,185
She liked sleeping
with Brockman,
1271
00:56:31,254 --> 00:56:33,255
and she liked sleeping
with Brockman's friends,
1272
00:56:33,322 --> 00:56:37,692
Brockman's acquaintances,
Brockman's acquaintances'
acquaintances.
1273
00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:39,961
BORIS: Brockman took
her photos to Morgenstern.
1274
00:56:40,028 --> 00:56:41,496
He loved them.
1275
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:43,431
He decided to show them
in his gallery.
1276
00:56:43,499 --> 00:56:45,634
When he did,
everyone thought
they were great.
1277
00:56:45,701 --> 00:56:47,135
A brilliant primitive.
1278
00:56:47,202 --> 00:56:50,238
Soon Morgenstern would
become smitten with her.
1279
00:56:50,306 --> 00:56:52,106
First she moved in
with Brockman.
1280
00:56:52,174 --> 00:56:54,208
Then she moved in
with Morgenstern.
1281
00:56:54,277 --> 00:56:57,044
Then she moved in
with Brockman
and Morgenstern.
1282
00:56:57,112 --> 00:56:59,481
She started dabbling
with collages.
1283
00:56:59,548 --> 00:57:02,751
Small ones at first,
but they would become bolder.
1284
00:57:03,919 --> 00:57:05,687
She started
dressing differently.
1285
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:07,355
Soon all her
deep-rooted beliefs
1286
00:57:07,423 --> 00:57:10,692
went right down the toilet,
where they belonged.
1287
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:16,398
She experimented
with exotic pleasures.
A new Marietta was born.
1288
00:57:16,465 --> 00:57:20,635
The one thing that
remained constant,
she hated her son-in-law.
1289
00:57:20,703 --> 00:57:22,003
Well, there's some
pictures over there.
1290
00:57:22,070 --> 00:57:24,372
Yes, maybe that.
Okay.
1291
00:57:25,941 --> 00:57:27,108
What do you think, Mom?
1292
00:57:27,176 --> 00:57:29,143
I'm not sure, you know,
it's for this collage,
1293
00:57:29,211 --> 00:57:34,616
and I've had this vision
in black and white
of nude men, women,
1294
00:57:34,684 --> 00:57:36,518
body parts, squares.
1295
00:57:37,353 --> 00:57:38,920
That sounds confusing.
1296
00:57:38,987 --> 00:57:42,056
Well, it's an homage
to lust. Yeah.
To lust.
1297
00:57:52,901 --> 00:57:54,602
Excuse me.
1298
00:57:54,670 --> 00:57:56,604
Hi, I need
a female opinion.
1299
00:57:56,672 --> 00:58:00,542
Which of these two
would a young woman
prefer? I can't decide.
1300
00:58:02,077 --> 00:58:04,779
I don't know.
They're both so beautiful.
1301
00:58:04,847 --> 00:58:08,115
It depends.
What type is she?
1302
00:58:08,183 --> 00:58:11,319
Well, she's quite young
and very lovely-looking.
1303
00:58:11,387 --> 00:58:13,988
Blonde hair.
Blue eyes.
1304
00:58:14,056 --> 00:58:15,824
Yeah, but what's she like?
1305
00:58:15,891 --> 00:58:18,292
Well, okay.
She's from the South,
1306
00:58:18,361 --> 00:58:20,662
although she lives
here in New York now.
1307
00:58:20,730 --> 00:58:23,130
Really?
- Yeah.
1308
00:58:23,198 --> 00:58:24,999
And she's a nanny.
I mean, well,
to tell you the truth,
1309
00:58:25,067 --> 00:58:27,034
she's actually
living with some man.
1310
00:58:27,102 --> 00:58:30,137
I mean, they're married,
although he's not
the best she can do.
1311
00:58:30,205 --> 00:58:32,039
And she thinks
she loves him,
but it's only because
1312
00:58:32,107 --> 00:58:34,876
she mistakes his
pessimistic despair
for wisdom,
1313
00:58:34,943 --> 00:58:36,611
believing he's a genius.
1314
00:58:39,448 --> 00:58:42,049
I'd say she's more
of a nurse to him
than a wife,
1315
00:58:42,117 --> 00:58:44,652
because he's
much older than she is.
1316
00:58:47,222 --> 00:58:49,657
That sounds so familiar.
1317
00:58:49,725 --> 00:58:53,027
I just can't...
I can't put my finger on it.
1318
00:58:53,095 --> 00:58:56,831
It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.
- It is?
1319
00:58:56,899 --> 00:59:00,902
I mean, not exactly,
but I can't help but
seeing some similarities.
1320
00:59:01,804 --> 00:59:03,405
I'd say that one.
1321
00:59:03,472 --> 00:59:04,539
Okay.
1322
00:59:15,050 --> 00:59:16,851
Here.
1323
00:59:16,919 --> 00:59:20,855
Here what? For me?
- It's for you.
1324
00:59:20,923 --> 00:59:24,191
Yes, I thought I'd buy
you something lovely.
1325
00:59:24,259 --> 00:59:27,529
Oh, no, I can't accept
a gift from a stranger.
1326
00:59:27,596 --> 00:59:28,663
Well, why not?
1327
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:29,931
I'm married.
1328
00:59:29,998 --> 00:59:32,767
Yes, but it may
not last forever.
1329
00:59:32,835 --> 00:59:34,869
Well, you know,
nothing lasts forever.
1330
00:59:34,937 --> 00:59:39,541
Not even Shakespeare
or Michelangelo
1331
00:59:39,608 --> 00:59:42,544
or Greek people.
1332
00:59:42,611 --> 00:59:44,779
I mean, even as
we're standing here
talking right now,
1333
00:59:44,847 --> 00:59:48,616
we're just flying apart
at an unimaginable speed.
1334
00:59:48,684 --> 00:59:50,785
Gee, I never
thought of it that way.
1335
00:59:50,853 --> 00:59:53,087
Yeah.
1336
00:59:53,155 --> 00:59:57,459
Should we be
holding each other
so we don't fall?
1337
00:59:57,526 --> 01:00:00,328
Well, you have to
hold onto whatever
love you can
1338
01:00:00,395 --> 01:00:02,163
in this cruel existence.
1339
01:00:02,230 --> 01:00:04,265
Speaking of love,
1340
01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:07,068
I've been in love
with you ever since
that first moment I saw you,
1341
01:00:07,135 --> 01:00:10,371
and met your mother
at the Mogador Cafe
many months ago.
1342
01:00:13,642 --> 01:00:15,510
Oh, you're... You're...
1343
01:00:15,578 --> 01:00:18,012
Did my mother...
- Randy James.
1344
01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:22,316
Oh, the actor! Of course.
I can hear your accent now.
1345
01:00:22,384 --> 01:00:24,218
Oh, my mother talks
about you all the time,
1346
01:00:24,286 --> 01:00:25,920
and she's always telling me
I have to meet you
1347
01:00:25,988 --> 01:00:27,722
and I'm saying, "Why?
Why do I have to meet him?"
1348
01:00:27,790 --> 01:00:30,157
"But he's so good-looking!"
And, yeah, you are.
1349
01:00:30,225 --> 01:00:32,393
Thank you.
I've moved to New York
permanently now
1350
01:00:32,461 --> 01:00:34,796
and I live in a houseboat
with a friend of mine.
1351
01:00:34,864 --> 01:00:37,599
You live on a boat?
- Yes, I do.
1352
01:00:37,666 --> 01:00:40,368
I'm very romantic by nature,
so I live on a boat
1353
01:00:40,435 --> 01:00:43,471
and I read and think
and play my flute...
1354
01:00:43,539 --> 01:00:45,840
Mom?
- Oh, be still, Melody.
1355
01:00:45,908 --> 01:00:47,876
There's nothing wrong
with expanding
your horizons.
1356
01:00:47,943 --> 01:00:50,578
I certainly expanded mine.
1357
01:00:50,646 --> 01:00:53,447
You know what?
I'm really sorry, but...
1358
01:00:53,516 --> 01:00:55,917
I think that my mother
badly gave you
the wrong impression,
1359
01:00:55,985 --> 01:00:57,552
because I'm
happily married.
1360
01:00:57,620 --> 01:00:59,687
No, no, no,
no, no, no,
she's not, Randy.
1361
01:00:59,755 --> 01:01:03,224
She's nursemaid
to a roach. He is.
1362
01:01:03,291 --> 01:01:05,860
Goodbye, Mother.
Goodbye, Mr. James.
1363
01:01:09,331 --> 01:01:10,765
I told you you'd
get the hang of it.
1364
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:13,100
Okay, you know what?
Let's just stop.
Let's stop.
1365
01:01:13,168 --> 01:01:15,570
Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
- Stop?
1366
01:01:15,638 --> 01:01:19,774
Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.
- All right.
1367
01:01:19,842 --> 01:01:21,475
You know,
I'm just doing it for
the aerobics, anyway.
1368
01:01:21,544 --> 01:01:23,011
Otherwise, it's moronic.
1369
01:01:23,078 --> 01:01:24,546
I think it's relaxing.
1370
01:01:24,613 --> 01:01:28,215
Relaxing?
What? Are you kidding?
It's too nerve-wracking.
1371
01:01:28,283 --> 01:01:30,952
To mingle with all
those sub-mentals
on bicycles?
1372
01:01:31,020 --> 01:01:32,787
It's like driving a car.
1373
01:01:32,855 --> 01:01:36,424
Those hostile,
belligerent morons
all get driver's licenses.
1374
01:01:36,491 --> 01:01:38,927
Of course,
to have children,
you don't need a license.
1375
01:01:38,994 --> 01:01:40,795
No proof of anything.
1376
01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:42,263
You need a license to fish.
1377
01:01:42,330 --> 01:01:43,932
You need a license
to be a barber.
1378
01:01:43,999 --> 01:01:45,867
You need a license
to sell hot dogs.
1379
01:01:45,935 --> 01:01:48,603
You know, you read
about these poor kids,
beaten and starved,
1380
01:01:48,671 --> 01:01:50,805
you wonder,
why are these parents
allowed to even have them?
1381
01:01:50,873 --> 01:01:53,307
Okay, Boris, Boris.
1382
01:01:53,375 --> 01:01:55,109
You know,
sometimes I think
you're so determined
1383
01:01:55,177 --> 01:01:58,913
not to enjoy
anything in life,
just out of spite.
1384
01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:00,949
You know,
like a child who's
throwing a tantrum,
1385
01:02:01,016 --> 01:02:02,884
because he can't
have his own way.
1386
01:02:02,952 --> 01:02:05,486
Wow! Listen to you!
1387
01:02:05,554 --> 01:02:07,455
That's a reasonably
wise insight
1388
01:02:07,522 --> 01:02:10,324
for a simple-minded
type like yourself.
1389
01:02:10,392 --> 01:02:14,896
Honestly. Yeah,
you surprise and delight me
sometimes, you know that?
1390
01:02:16,565 --> 01:02:20,534
I really don't know
what I'd do without you,
seriously.
1391
01:02:20,603 --> 01:02:22,837
What are you doing
with that?
1392
01:02:22,905 --> 01:02:27,508
This? Nothing.
I just got it at
the flea market.
1393
01:02:27,576 --> 01:02:29,711
Who needs
an antique handkerchief?
1394
01:02:29,778 --> 01:02:31,345
I thought it was pretty.
1395
01:02:31,413 --> 01:02:35,216
Yeah, but God knows
throughout history
who blew his nose in it.
1396
01:02:37,519 --> 01:02:39,186
Marietta? Honey?
MARIETTA: Yes, darling?
1397
01:02:39,254 --> 01:02:42,090
I think you should
include these photos
at your opening next week.
1398
01:02:42,157 --> 01:02:43,557
I love those photos.
Al, what do you think?
1399
01:02:43,626 --> 01:02:44,959
MORGENSTERN: I chose those.
1400
01:02:45,027 --> 01:02:46,494
MARIETTA: Oh, you did?
- Absolutely.
1401
01:02:46,561 --> 01:02:47,595
Sweetheart, you've managed to make...
- Thank you.
1402
01:02:47,663 --> 01:02:49,330
...an existential
statement about
1403
01:02:49,397 --> 01:02:51,633
sexual perversity and human freedom.
- Who? Yes.
1404
01:02:51,700 --> 01:02:53,534
It's so full of
erotic imagination.
Okay, hold on a sec.
1405
01:02:53,602 --> 01:02:54,702
Oh, thank you so much!
Thank you!
1406
01:02:54,770 --> 01:02:55,903
Marietta?
1407
01:02:55,971 --> 01:03:00,174
Who is it?
- Somebody named Randy Jones?
1408
01:03:00,242 --> 01:03:02,010
Oh, Randy, Randy James.
1409
01:03:02,077 --> 01:03:04,545
Hello? Hello? Hey!
1410
01:03:04,613 --> 01:03:07,248
Young man, hello, hello!
1411
01:03:07,315 --> 01:03:10,417
Listen, she's going to be
at Uniqlo at around 3:00.
1412
01:03:10,485 --> 01:03:13,387
You can run into her
and try your luck.
1413
01:03:13,455 --> 01:03:15,422
You know, she saved
the handkerchief you gave her,
1414
01:03:15,490 --> 01:03:17,391
so it's not
a hopeless cause.
1415
01:03:17,459 --> 01:03:21,262
And I'm telling you,
I saw fire behind her eyes.
Fire.
1416
01:03:21,329 --> 01:03:23,631
Yeah. Good luck, darling.
1417
01:03:23,699 --> 01:03:26,634
Who was that?
- Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.
1418
01:03:26,702 --> 01:03:27,902
Who'd have ever
thought that gumbo
1419
01:03:27,970 --> 01:03:29,070
would become my
favorite dinner?
1420
01:03:29,138 --> 01:03:31,372
All this and
she cooks, too.
1421
01:03:37,579 --> 01:03:39,781
Oh, my God! Hello.
1422
01:03:41,416 --> 01:03:44,085
So I guess you
just happened to be
shopping here. Right?
1423
01:03:44,153 --> 01:03:45,987
Well, I was
buying this shirt,
if you must know.
1424
01:03:46,055 --> 01:03:47,088
Uh-huh.
1425
01:03:47,156 --> 01:03:48,622
You like it?
1426
01:03:48,691 --> 01:03:50,925
It's okay.
- Just okay?
1427
01:03:50,993 --> 01:03:52,894
I thought it'd
make me look dashing.
1428
01:03:52,961 --> 01:03:54,896
Looks aren't your problem.
1429
01:03:54,963 --> 01:03:56,263
Oh, no? What is?
1430
01:03:56,331 --> 01:03:57,498
You're too forward.
1431
01:03:57,566 --> 01:03:59,000
I think about you a lot.
1432
01:03:59,068 --> 01:04:01,569
Well, I don't
think about you.
1433
01:04:01,636 --> 01:04:05,606
So what's it like
being married to a genius?
1434
01:04:05,674 --> 01:04:07,441
Who wants to know?
1435
01:04:07,509 --> 01:04:10,778
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be a boor, I just...
1436
01:04:10,846 --> 01:04:12,947
Just that,
well, you know.
1437
01:04:13,015 --> 01:04:15,616
It has its
pluses and minuses.
1438
01:04:15,684 --> 01:04:19,153
Yes?
And what are the drawbacks?
1439
01:04:19,221 --> 01:04:21,122
I don't know.
I mean...
1440
01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:23,557
Well, naturally,
with a very advanced mind,
1441
01:04:23,625 --> 01:04:26,961
you find a lot of things
wrong with everything
1442
01:04:27,029 --> 01:04:28,696
and, mainly,
he just doesn't
like people.
1443
01:04:28,764 --> 01:04:30,098
You know,
he says at the rate
they're going,
1444
01:04:30,165 --> 01:04:31,799
they're going to make
themselves extinct.
1445
01:04:31,867 --> 01:04:33,634
Right.
1446
01:04:33,702 --> 01:04:37,404
It can just be exhausting
being around a genius
all the time.
1447
01:04:37,472 --> 01:04:41,142
So what are the pluses
of being the wife of
such a dazzling mind?
1448
01:04:42,077 --> 01:04:43,577
Well, he's smart.
1449
01:04:43,645 --> 01:04:45,046
You said that.
1450
01:04:45,114 --> 01:04:46,280
He's clever.
1451
01:04:46,348 --> 01:04:48,249
Uh-huh.
1452
01:04:48,316 --> 01:04:53,487
He really means well, you know?
He's just a little crazy.
1453
01:04:53,555 --> 01:04:57,458
I guess the good part
is that I'm the wife
of a genius,
1454
01:04:57,525 --> 01:04:59,827
which I never
really thought
I could swing.
1455
01:04:59,895 --> 01:05:01,062
Why not?
1456
01:05:02,231 --> 01:05:06,700
I guess I thought
I'd have to be smarter.
1457
01:05:06,769 --> 01:05:10,304
You want to see my boat?
I mean, my friend's boat,
where I live?
1458
01:05:10,372 --> 01:05:12,473
I don't think
that's a good idea.
1459
01:05:12,540 --> 01:05:15,109
I dreamt about you
last night. I...
1460
01:05:15,177 --> 01:05:16,811
Don't use that line.
Because Boris said
1461
01:05:16,879 --> 01:05:18,445
that he dreamt
about me last night.
1462
01:05:18,513 --> 01:05:20,481
And I really doubt
it's mathematically
possible
1463
01:05:20,548 --> 01:05:23,251
for me to be in
two dreams at one time.
1464
01:05:28,791 --> 01:05:31,525
It's down there,
on the right-hand side.
1465
01:05:34,562 --> 01:05:36,030
Well, this is it.
1466
01:05:36,098 --> 01:05:39,901
It's not much,
but it's home and
I don't pay rent, so...
1467
01:05:39,968 --> 01:05:42,770
This is kind of sweet,
living on the water.
1468
01:05:42,838 --> 01:05:44,338
It rocks
just the tiniest bit,
1469
01:05:44,406 --> 01:05:47,942
so I sleep
like a baby on it.
1470
01:05:48,010 --> 01:05:51,112
Randy, I don't know
what I'm doing here!
I'm married!
1471
01:05:51,180 --> 01:05:53,247
That doesn't mean
I can't have
feelings for you.
1472
01:05:53,315 --> 01:05:54,849
You don't
really know me.
1473
01:05:54,917 --> 01:05:58,452
Yes, but I'm a romantic
and I believe in
love at first sight.
1474
01:05:58,520 --> 01:06:01,622
Well, that's true.
You know, Boris says
that love isn't logical.
1475
01:06:01,690 --> 01:06:03,524
And I adore
the way you talk
1476
01:06:03,591 --> 01:06:05,759
and the funny things
you say.
1477
01:06:07,162 --> 01:06:09,297
Where can it lead?
1478
01:06:09,364 --> 01:06:11,565
Let's drink to
love at first sight.
1479
01:06:11,633 --> 01:06:15,203
I can't. When I drink,
I get very silly
and touchy and...
1480
01:06:15,270 --> 01:06:17,004
That's what
your mum said.
1481
01:06:17,072 --> 01:06:18,906
That's why
I bought the bottle.
She's quite a mum.
1482
01:06:18,974 --> 01:06:21,309
Don't use that locution.
It's for inchworms.
1483
01:06:21,376 --> 01:06:22,543
Sorry.
1484
01:06:24,913 --> 01:06:27,081
Is that you
in the picture?
1485
01:06:27,149 --> 01:06:30,017
Yeah. That's me in
Juno and the Paycock.
1486
01:06:30,085 --> 01:06:32,419
I bet you're
a really good actor.
1487
01:06:32,487 --> 01:06:35,223
I try. Although
I'll never be a genius.
1488
01:06:36,624 --> 01:06:39,426
You certainly
are handsome enough
to be a star.
1489
01:06:39,494 --> 01:06:42,330
Thank you. I'll cherish
that compliment.
1490
01:06:48,070 --> 01:06:50,872
Oh, my God.
- What are you thinking?
1491
01:06:50,939 --> 01:06:54,008
Entropy.
- Entropy?
1492
01:06:54,076 --> 01:06:56,344
Yeah, entropy.
Boris explained it.
1493
01:06:56,411 --> 01:06:59,847
It's why you can't
get the toothpaste
back in the tube.
1494
01:06:59,915 --> 01:07:02,516
You mean,
1495
01:07:02,584 --> 01:07:07,355
once something happens,
it's difficult to put it
back the way it was?
1496
01:07:07,422 --> 01:07:10,391
I mean, Boris says
love is all about luck.
1497
01:07:10,458 --> 01:07:13,094
I think so, too,
but isn't that
just because
1498
01:07:13,161 --> 01:07:15,029
we're young and we think
we're going to live forever
1499
01:07:15,097 --> 01:07:17,598
and then we grow old
and get diabetes, and...
1500
01:07:17,665 --> 01:07:19,200
Maybe.
1501
01:07:19,268 --> 01:07:21,002
Look, I do agree
there's not much
1502
01:07:21,069 --> 01:07:23,771
you can be sure of
in this world, but...
1503
01:07:23,838 --> 01:07:27,375
Have you ever heard of
Heisenberg's
Uncertainty Principle?
1504
01:07:27,442 --> 01:07:29,143
I've heard of it, yeah.
1505
01:07:29,211 --> 01:07:32,579
You know, the observer
influences the experiment?
1506
01:07:32,647 --> 01:07:33,781
Uh-huh.
1507
01:07:33,848 --> 01:07:35,649
It's just like
1508
01:07:35,717 --> 01:07:38,119
when my mother makes love
to one of the guys
she's living with
1509
01:07:38,186 --> 01:07:40,321
a certain way
when they're alone,
1510
01:07:40,389 --> 01:07:44,825
but when she's in
front of the other guy,
she does it differently.
1511
01:07:44,893 --> 01:07:47,361
Is that Heisenberg?
1512
01:07:47,429 --> 01:07:49,596
I had no idea
he was so sexual.
1513
01:07:55,537 --> 01:07:59,673
Wait. I always carry
some Viagra with me.
1514
01:07:59,741 --> 01:08:02,376
That's all right.
I eat a lot of red meat.
1515
01:08:10,052 --> 01:08:11,452
(SIGHING)
1516
01:08:20,829 --> 01:08:23,464
I really like the way
these pants fit.
1517
01:08:27,269 --> 01:08:31,005
Hey, are you okay?
You seem awfully
quiet lately.
1518
01:08:31,773 --> 01:08:33,807
Yeah.
1519
01:08:33,875 --> 01:08:36,377
We're going to be late
for Mom's gallery opening.
1520
01:08:36,445 --> 01:08:38,079
I hope you're not
coming down with anything.
1521
01:08:38,146 --> 01:08:41,048
You know, Brodsky's
kid's got the measles.
1522
01:08:41,116 --> 01:08:42,583
Can you still
get the measles?
1523
01:08:42,650 --> 01:08:44,952
I had a shot
when I was younger,
1524
01:08:45,020 --> 01:08:47,054
but how long
does it last?
1525
01:08:47,122 --> 01:08:49,056
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
1526
01:08:50,025 --> 01:08:51,525
Who's that?
1527
01:08:51,593 --> 01:08:54,295
I don't know.
I'm not expecting anyone.
1528
01:08:57,732 --> 01:08:59,300
Melody!
- Daddy!
1529
01:08:59,368 --> 01:09:01,668
Oh, my little girl,
I found you!
1530
01:09:01,736 --> 01:09:03,904
Oh, Lord,
your mother and I
searched and searched,
1531
01:09:03,972 --> 01:09:05,473
but then we
ran out of leads.
1532
01:09:05,540 --> 01:09:07,541
I used every connection
I had at the police force.
1533
01:09:07,609 --> 01:09:09,810
We even called the FBI!
But you're okay.
1534
01:09:09,878 --> 01:09:12,380
Things are going
to be fine now.
Your ordeal is over.
1535
01:09:12,447 --> 01:09:14,215
What ordeal?
1536
01:09:14,282 --> 01:09:16,183
You were abducted!
Tell me if my theory
is correct.
1537
01:09:16,251 --> 01:09:18,585
You were chloroformed
by polygamous Mormons.
1538
01:09:18,653 --> 01:09:20,087
They took you off to
be someone's bride!
1539
01:09:20,155 --> 01:09:23,190
I was not abducted.
Didn't anybody
read my letters?
1540
01:09:23,258 --> 01:09:26,327
Yeah, but I assumed
you were forced to
write them at gunpoint.
1541
01:09:26,395 --> 01:09:27,861
Who's this?
- Who are you?
1542
01:09:27,929 --> 01:09:29,096
This is Boris,
my husband.
1543
01:09:29,164 --> 01:09:30,264
Boris, your who?
1544
01:09:30,332 --> 01:09:32,733
He's my husband.
I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.
1545
01:09:32,800 --> 01:09:34,535
Who are you?
- I'm her husband.
1546
01:09:34,602 --> 01:09:36,670
You want to pass out here
or go in the living room?
1547
01:09:36,738 --> 01:09:37,938
Where's your mother?
1548
01:09:38,006 --> 01:09:39,840
What do you care?
You cheated on her
1549
01:09:39,908 --> 01:09:42,143
and then dumped her
for Mandy Blackburn,
of all people!
1550
01:09:42,210 --> 01:09:44,811
I made a terrible mistake,
I committed the sin
of self-indulgence.
1551
01:09:44,879 --> 01:09:46,680
I've come to beg your
mother's forgiveness.
1552
01:09:46,748 --> 01:09:47,915
You might want to
rethink that, Daddy.
1553
01:09:47,982 --> 01:09:49,150
I want to see her.
1554
01:09:49,217 --> 01:09:51,152
I see death
by culture shock.
1555
01:09:51,219 --> 01:09:53,687
You can tell me, Melody,
she has every right
to hate me.
1556
01:09:53,755 --> 01:09:55,122
And she does, believe me.
1557
01:09:55,190 --> 01:09:56,924
I can handle the truth.
Does she hate me?
1558
01:09:56,991 --> 01:09:59,860
Well, it was a pretty
awful thing you did
with her best friend.
1559
01:09:59,928 --> 01:10:00,928
Then she hates me?
1560
01:10:00,995 --> 01:10:03,164
Yes, yes, she hates you!
I can't stand this.
1561
01:10:03,231 --> 01:10:04,965
I hate you
and I just met you!
1562
01:10:05,033 --> 01:10:07,234
Lord, you tell me
this creature
took you to bed?
1563
01:10:07,302 --> 01:10:08,936
No, no, no, no.
Actually, she took me.
1564
01:10:09,003 --> 01:10:11,004
Yeah, when I met Boris,
he hated sex.
1565
01:10:11,073 --> 01:10:12,540
Yeah, think of it,
Mr. Celestine.
1566
01:10:12,607 --> 01:10:15,309
The absurd choreography,
like a sewing machine,
1567
01:10:15,377 --> 01:10:17,611
up and down,
up and down,
up and down,
1568
01:10:17,679 --> 01:10:19,413
toward what end?
Making more children?
1569
01:10:19,481 --> 01:10:20,747
What the hell are
you talking about?
1570
01:10:20,815 --> 01:10:24,185
Reproducing the species
over and over.
Toward what goal?
1571
01:10:24,252 --> 01:10:26,087
Carrying out
what moronic design?
1572
01:10:26,154 --> 01:10:27,288
What happened to Mandy?
1573
01:10:27,355 --> 01:10:28,456
It was a mess,
a nightmare.
1574
01:10:28,523 --> 01:10:31,258
Lord, I've sinned!
Please forgive me.
1575
01:10:31,326 --> 01:10:33,594
Why do all the religious
psychotics wind up
1576
01:10:33,661 --> 01:10:35,362
praying at my doorstep?
Can you tell me?
1577
01:10:35,430 --> 01:10:37,998
Lord, in Your
infinite mercy,
I've done wrong.
1578
01:10:38,066 --> 01:10:39,467
You want to tell him,
or should I?
1579
01:10:39,534 --> 01:10:40,901
Tell me what?
1580
01:10:42,571 --> 01:10:45,839
Daddy, there's
nobody out there!
1581
01:10:45,907 --> 01:10:49,410
Honest.
You're praying to no one.
1582
01:10:49,478 --> 01:10:50,611
You're wasting
your breath,
1583
01:10:50,678 --> 01:10:52,746
just like you're
gonna be wasting it
on Mom.
1584
01:10:52,814 --> 01:10:54,515
What? You're telling me
she met another man?
1585
01:10:54,583 --> 01:10:56,617
Not just a man.
- What?
1586
01:10:56,684 --> 01:10:58,219
Daddy, you couldn't
expect her to not,
1587
01:10:58,286 --> 01:11:01,455
you know,
move on with her life
and, you know...
1588
01:11:01,523 --> 01:11:04,158
Oh, Lord.
What's he like?
1589
01:11:04,226 --> 01:11:06,393
He's got four arms
and two noses.
1590
01:11:06,461 --> 01:11:07,894
You better butt out,
stranger!
1591
01:11:07,962 --> 01:11:09,530
Melody will tell you
I don't need my shotgun
1592
01:11:09,598 --> 01:11:10,964
to be a whole
passel of trouble.
1593
01:11:11,032 --> 01:11:13,300
Now, I want to
see Marietta!
1594
01:11:36,357 --> 01:11:38,292
Now, Dad,
try and remember,
1595
01:11:38,359 --> 01:11:39,994
you haven't
seen Mom in a year.
1596
01:11:40,062 --> 01:11:43,230
A year is not forever.
How much can
a person change?
1597
01:11:43,298 --> 01:11:46,033
And with that,
they entered the gallery.
1598
01:11:57,946 --> 01:12:00,014
MARIETTA: I had more people
than I knew what to do with.
1599
01:12:00,082 --> 01:12:02,249
Everybody said,
"I'll be naked with you, Marietta!"
1600
01:12:02,317 --> 01:12:03,650
And I was like, "Okay."
1601
01:12:03,719 --> 01:12:05,086
(LAUGHING)
1602
01:12:05,921 --> 01:12:07,321
Oh, my God.
1603
01:12:08,724 --> 01:12:10,224
Marietta?
1604
01:12:10,291 --> 01:12:14,595
John Celestine!
Look what the cat
dragged in.
1605
01:12:14,662 --> 01:12:16,496
Marietta, what happened to you?
- Oh, my God!
1606
01:12:16,564 --> 01:12:18,498
Well, darling,
it's you that absconded.
1607
01:12:18,566 --> 01:12:20,234
He showed up at
the door today.
Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?
1608
01:12:20,301 --> 01:12:22,069
Yes, yes, with the
promiscuous whore
1609
01:12:22,137 --> 01:12:23,704
who called herself my best friend.
- Darling, I'll be...
1610
01:12:23,772 --> 01:12:25,472
I'll find you.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
1611
01:12:25,540 --> 01:12:27,742
It's over, Marietta.
Mandy and I were
a terrible mistake.
1612
01:12:27,809 --> 01:12:29,276
I've come back for you.
1613
01:12:29,344 --> 01:12:30,811
Well, honey,
I'm in the middle
of my opening.
1614
01:12:30,879 --> 01:12:33,914
Yeah, Dad,
this is Mom's exhibition.
Isn't it great?
1615
01:12:33,982 --> 01:12:35,515
Exhibition of what?
1616
01:12:35,583 --> 01:12:37,051
Well, the collages.
1617
01:12:37,119 --> 01:12:39,586
What? She's thinking
of buying this pornography?
1618
01:12:39,654 --> 01:12:41,688
I got news for you,
she's the pornographer.
1619
01:12:41,757 --> 01:12:43,657
Marietta, who are you?
1620
01:12:43,725 --> 01:12:46,326
John, you never
understood me, honey.
1621
01:12:46,394 --> 01:12:48,595
Your vision never extended
beyond the backyard.
1622
01:12:48,663 --> 01:12:49,764
You always had
your gun clubs
1623
01:12:49,831 --> 01:12:51,431
and your fishing trips
and football.
1624
01:12:51,499 --> 01:12:54,068
You never took
a little minute
to find out about me.
1625
01:12:54,136 --> 01:12:55,970
And you were always
too busy putting her
in pageants
1626
01:12:56,037 --> 01:12:58,505
and coaching her speeches
and teaching her
baton twirling!
1627
01:12:58,573 --> 01:13:01,608
Yes, yes, that's true.
I was sublimating
my own creative needs
1628
01:13:01,676 --> 01:13:03,177
and forcing them
on our daughter.
1629
01:13:03,245 --> 01:13:05,345
You were what?
Yes, she was sublimating.
1630
01:13:05,413 --> 01:13:06,580
Sublimating.
1631
01:13:06,648 --> 01:13:08,816
Honey, why don't
you go on back
to Mandy Blackburn?
1632
01:13:08,884 --> 01:13:11,185
Her pygmy mentality is
much closer to you now.
1633
01:13:11,253 --> 01:13:13,553
Much closer.
- Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.
1634
01:13:13,621 --> 01:13:14,621
Oh, why not?
1635
01:13:14,689 --> 01:13:16,590
She cast aspersions
on my manhood.
1636
01:13:16,658 --> 01:13:19,994
What are we talking?
Size? Duration?
Erectile dysfunction?
1637
01:13:20,061 --> 01:13:21,862
Would you mind
your own business?
1638
01:13:21,930 --> 01:13:24,631
Marietta, how could you
forsake your own family?
1639
01:13:24,699 --> 01:13:26,700
I want us all back home
to start over.
1640
01:13:26,768 --> 01:13:29,736
I'm a different woman, John.
1641
01:13:29,805 --> 01:13:32,339
I can't believe what
I'm seeing. I mean...
1642
01:13:32,407 --> 01:13:35,209
Your clothes are different,
your speech is
a little more affected,
1643
01:13:35,277 --> 01:13:37,178
but deep down,
I know you're the same
1644
01:13:37,245 --> 01:13:40,681
pretty, small-town,
God-fearing, churchgoing,
pie-baking...
1645
01:13:40,748 --> 01:13:42,283
I'm living with two guys.
1646
01:13:42,350 --> 01:13:44,384
...Girl Scout mom.
You're what?
1647
01:13:44,452 --> 01:13:48,455
I'm an artist.
I don't bake pies.
I don't go to church.
1648
01:13:48,523 --> 01:13:51,859
I do collages,
sculpture, photography.
1649
01:13:51,927 --> 01:13:55,395
I live in Manhattan
with two men who I love
1650
01:13:55,463 --> 01:13:58,332
in a very happy
menage a trois.
1651
01:13:58,399 --> 01:13:59,499
JOHN: A what?
1652
01:13:59,567 --> 01:14:04,004
We all sleep together.
A menage a trois.
1653
01:14:04,072 --> 01:14:07,507
I knew we should
never trust the
goddamn French.
1654
01:14:07,575 --> 01:14:09,443
It's amazing, Melody.
1655
01:14:09,510 --> 01:14:13,547
Thousands of years ago,
ancient peoples,
Egyptians, Romans, Mayans,
1656
01:14:13,614 --> 01:14:16,683
were walking home,
just like us,
1657
01:14:16,751 --> 01:14:19,920
discussing where
should they eat
or making small talk.
1658
01:14:19,988 --> 01:14:23,090
"Hey, we just
bought a great house
on the Nile with a yard,
1659
01:14:23,158 --> 01:14:24,959
"overlooking the
Pharaoh's new pyramid."
1660
01:14:25,026 --> 01:14:27,928
Boris...
- Or, "My physician says
1661
01:14:27,996 --> 01:14:30,764
"peacock tongues are bad for your heart."
- Boris...
1662
01:14:30,832 --> 01:14:36,403
Or, "I'm worried I can't get
my kid into a really good
Aztec preschool."
1663
01:14:36,471 --> 01:14:38,906
What the hell does it
all mean now? Zilch.
1664
01:14:38,974 --> 01:14:40,407
But they thought
it was important.
1665
01:14:40,475 --> 01:14:42,076
Boris, can I talk
to you for a minute?
1666
01:14:42,143 --> 01:14:44,945
And I was raised
in a religious home.
1667
01:14:45,013 --> 01:14:47,581
Job's wife was my
favorite character
in the Bible,
1668
01:14:47,648 --> 01:14:49,250
because she chose death
1669
01:14:49,317 --> 01:14:50,885
rather than
obsequious acceptance,
1670
01:14:50,952 --> 01:14:52,953
like that masochist
she married.
1671
01:14:57,259 --> 01:14:59,726
Boris, Boris,
can we sit down
for a second?
1672
01:14:59,794 --> 01:15:00,961
Well, but we have to
go home.
1673
01:15:01,029 --> 01:15:03,364
I know, but come here.
I have to say something.
1674
01:15:03,431 --> 01:15:05,266
But we always
go home now.
1675
01:15:05,333 --> 01:15:07,634
I know. I know.
I know we have
a standard routine.
1676
01:15:07,702 --> 01:15:11,372
I need to have my drink,
and a shower.
1677
01:15:11,439 --> 01:15:13,240
And, you know,
you see it as routine,
1678
01:15:13,308 --> 01:15:16,377
but for me
the consistency helps keep me
from becoming unnerved.
1679
01:15:16,444 --> 01:15:18,678
I know you require
a certain ritual.
1680
01:15:18,746 --> 01:15:20,480
And then after the shower,
our dinner,
1681
01:15:20,548 --> 01:15:22,016
but not crawfish pie
again.
1682
01:15:22,083 --> 01:15:23,683
I got indigestion
from it last time.
1683
01:15:23,751 --> 01:15:25,819
I thought I had
thyroid cancer.
1684
01:15:25,887 --> 01:15:29,223
Boris, I met someone else.
I've fallen in love.
1685
01:15:29,291 --> 01:15:32,626
And then some Beethoven,
maybe some Schubert
for a change,
1686
01:15:32,693 --> 01:15:34,995
but, you know...
1687
01:15:35,063 --> 01:15:37,531
You met someone else?
1688
01:15:37,598 --> 01:15:41,936
I'm not saying
I don't have very deep
feelings for you. I do.
1689
01:15:44,906 --> 01:15:46,573
You met someone else?
1690
01:15:47,675 --> 01:15:49,643
Yes.
1691
01:15:49,710 --> 01:15:53,680
And you want us to
live in a threesome,
like your mother?
1692
01:15:53,748 --> 01:15:56,650
Boris, when you found me,
I was very young.
1693
01:15:58,753 --> 01:16:00,520
You're still very young.
1694
01:16:00,588 --> 01:16:02,990
Yes, but I've grown.
1695
01:16:03,058 --> 01:16:06,093
I've grown so much.
And mainly because of you.
1696
01:16:07,795 --> 01:16:09,997
Yes, it's true.
I have been very patient
1697
01:16:10,065 --> 01:16:12,199
with your
phenomenal ignorance.
1698
01:16:14,235 --> 01:16:17,004
You can always
count on me
for anything.
1699
01:16:19,441 --> 01:16:21,075
I just...
1700
01:16:21,142 --> 01:16:24,711
I guess I'm at a very
impressionable age,
and I...
1701
01:16:26,014 --> 01:16:28,849
I can't think of a way
to say this well.
1702
01:16:30,885 --> 01:16:32,453
You don't have
to say it well.
1703
01:16:32,520 --> 01:16:33,820
I want to.
1704
01:16:33,888 --> 01:16:37,257
I completely understand.
I do.
1705
01:16:37,325 --> 01:16:40,227
This does not run counter
to my convictions that
1706
01:16:40,295 --> 01:16:43,830
love relationships are
almost invariably transient.
1707
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:48,635
I don't really think
that's true if they're right.
1708
01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:54,641
Really?
You have your own ideas?
1709
01:16:54,709 --> 01:16:58,879
Just a couple.
You know, they're not
very deep, but...
1710
01:16:58,946 --> 01:17:04,218
As cruel as life is,
I miss participating
in the world.
1711
01:17:04,285 --> 01:17:08,822
And I even miss people,
even the inchworms
and the cretins,
1712
01:17:08,890 --> 01:17:11,691
because I don't
really think they're bad,
1713
01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:13,760
I think they're
just scared.
1714
01:17:15,497 --> 01:17:18,032
I think you're making
the correct decision.
1715
01:17:18,099 --> 01:17:19,866
Boris...
- I mean it.
1716
01:17:23,238 --> 01:17:27,241
I'm a profound
and sensitive soul
with an enormous grasp
1717
01:17:27,308 --> 01:17:29,910
of the human condition.
1718
01:17:29,977 --> 01:17:32,179
It was inevitable you would
1719
01:17:32,247 --> 01:17:35,682
eventually grow tired
of being so grossly
overmatched.
1720
01:17:37,152 --> 01:17:39,053
Greatness isn't
easy to live with,
1721
01:17:39,120 --> 01:17:41,988
even by someone of
normal intelligence.
1722
01:17:43,925 --> 01:17:45,759
You're upset.
1723
01:17:45,826 --> 01:17:48,462
I don't expect you
to understand.
How could you?
1724
01:17:51,066 --> 01:17:52,199
Believe me,
1725
01:17:52,267 --> 01:17:53,667
(CLEARING THROAT)
1726
01:17:53,734 --> 01:17:56,836
if I can understand
quantum mechanics,
1727
01:17:56,904 --> 01:17:59,906
I can certainly comprehend
the thought process
1728
01:18:01,176 --> 01:18:03,410
of a sub-mental
baton twirler.
1729
01:18:04,379 --> 01:18:05,912
Boris...
1730
01:18:05,980 --> 01:18:07,114
It's okay.
1731
01:18:08,983 --> 01:18:12,719
I knew this day would come.
I really did.
1732
01:18:12,787 --> 01:18:15,889
The universe is winding down.
Why shouldn't we?
1733
01:18:21,162 --> 01:18:22,362
Again!
1734
01:18:23,264 --> 01:18:24,898
MAN: I'll have another, too.
1735
01:18:27,235 --> 01:18:31,271
(SIGHING) She left me.
Can you believe it?
1736
01:18:31,339 --> 01:18:34,741
What am I talking about?
I left her. She's alone.
1737
01:18:34,809 --> 01:18:38,579
Now, no matter
which way she turns in bed,
she's got a husband.
1738
01:18:40,148 --> 01:18:42,616
My wife left me, too.
1739
01:18:42,683 --> 01:18:45,619
I'm sure she was beautiful,
just like my wife.
1740
01:18:46,988 --> 01:18:48,188
Norman?
1741
01:18:49,624 --> 01:18:51,458
Norman was gorgeous.
1742
01:18:54,562 --> 01:18:58,465
He was the greatest
runway model
Versace ever had.
1743
01:18:58,533 --> 01:19:01,101
I thought you said
your wife.
1744
01:19:01,169 --> 01:19:03,003
We were married
in Holland.
1745
01:19:05,673 --> 01:19:07,541
You married a guy?
1746
01:19:08,443 --> 01:19:10,410
What else?
1747
01:19:10,478 --> 01:19:12,546
But that would make you...
1748
01:19:12,614 --> 01:19:16,483
What? A widow?
Norman didn't die.
1749
01:19:17,418 --> 01:19:19,052
Not a widow, a...
1750
01:19:20,821 --> 01:19:21,921
Gay?
1751
01:19:21,989 --> 01:19:23,123
A member of the...
1752
01:19:24,925 --> 01:19:26,826
Of what?
1753
01:19:26,894 --> 01:19:28,928
The homosexual persuasion.
1754
01:19:29,531 --> 01:19:31,765
My God.
1755
01:19:31,832 --> 01:19:34,234
You make it sound
like a religion.
1756
01:19:34,302 --> 01:19:38,138
Yes. If it's a religion,
you could call me devout.
A fanatic.
1757
01:19:39,174 --> 01:19:41,975
But that's a sin
against God's law.
1758
01:19:43,077 --> 01:19:45,512
God is gay.
1759
01:19:45,580 --> 01:19:47,847
He can't be.
He made the whole
universe perfect.
1760
01:19:47,915 --> 01:19:52,619
The oceans, the skies,
the beautiful flowers,
the trees everywhere.
1761
01:19:52,687 --> 01:19:54,888
That's right.
He's a decorator.
1762
01:19:54,955 --> 01:19:58,358
But what do you
miss about him?
I still don't get it.
1763
01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:00,427
Everything.
1764
01:20:01,095 --> 01:20:03,096
His face.
1765
01:20:03,164 --> 01:20:06,032
His kindness,
his sense of humor.
1766
01:20:06,100 --> 01:20:08,635
Our mutual passion.
1767
01:20:08,703 --> 01:20:12,105
The way we'd dance
and he'd dip me back
and kiss me.
1768
01:20:12,973 --> 01:20:15,141
Jesus.
1769
01:20:15,210 --> 01:20:18,312
Why did he leave you?
She leave you. Norman.
1770
01:20:18,379 --> 01:20:20,714
He wants to live in Paris,
1771
01:20:20,781 --> 01:20:23,149
and I can't leave
my sick mother.
1772
01:20:24,285 --> 01:20:26,453
Is your mother a woman?
1773
01:20:28,423 --> 01:20:31,091
She used to look
like Marlene Dietrich.
1774
01:20:31,158 --> 01:20:35,095
What's the difference?
They all hurt you in the end,
every woman,
1775
01:20:35,162 --> 01:20:37,163
whether they're
male or female.
1776
01:20:38,199 --> 01:20:40,834
Why did yours leave you?
1777
01:20:40,901 --> 01:20:45,071
I left her
for her best friend,
but it didn't work out.
1778
01:20:45,906 --> 01:20:47,241
Why not?
1779
01:20:49,577 --> 01:20:51,911
Can I be perfectly
frank with you?
1780
01:20:51,979 --> 01:20:53,813
I don't shock easily.
1781
01:20:55,049 --> 01:20:56,883
I couldn't make love to her.
1782
01:20:58,553 --> 01:21:00,287
Why not?
1783
01:21:00,355 --> 01:21:04,924
It was fine at first,
but then I lost interest.
I wanted Marietta back.
1784
01:21:04,992 --> 01:21:06,760
Which is funny,
because in the last years,
1785
01:21:06,827 --> 01:21:10,464
I really didn't have
a lot of sexual
interest in Marietta.
1786
01:21:10,531 --> 01:21:14,534
That happens
with you heteros.
We always have interest.
1787
01:21:18,606 --> 01:21:20,073
Christ, if I'm going
to be honest,
1788
01:21:20,141 --> 01:21:22,342
you know, I never,
ever really had
1789
01:21:22,410 --> 01:21:24,544
a burning sexual desire
for Marietta.
1790
01:21:26,547 --> 01:21:28,114
Why'd you marry her?
1791
01:21:29,751 --> 01:21:31,718
It was the thing to do.
Everybody where I lived,
1792
01:21:31,786 --> 01:21:34,220
you had a wife
and children and...
1793
01:21:37,191 --> 01:21:39,192
Can I really level with you?
1794
01:21:40,561 --> 01:21:41,595
Of course.
1795
01:21:41,663 --> 01:21:43,430
John. John Celestine.
1796
01:21:43,498 --> 01:21:48,001
Of course, John.
I'm Howard Cummings,
nee Kaminsky.
1797
01:21:49,804 --> 01:21:52,639
I married Marietta,
because I was afraid.
1798
01:21:54,175 --> 01:21:55,676
Of what?
1799
01:21:55,743 --> 01:21:59,346
The way I felt
towards the tight end
on the football team.
1800
01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:00,880
No.
1801
01:22:00,948 --> 01:22:04,984
Every time he got in
the line of scrimmage
and bent over.
1802
01:22:05,052 --> 01:22:07,688
Bartender, another round
for my friend and me,
please.
1803
01:22:50,431 --> 01:22:51,431
(THUD)
1804
01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:55,702
Can you believe
I blew it twice?
1805
01:22:55,770 --> 01:22:59,506
I jumped out the window
and landed on a woman
walking her dog.
1806
01:22:59,574 --> 01:23:02,308
She got hurt.
I got off scot-free.
1807
01:23:03,511 --> 01:23:05,679
Don't you realize
the consequences
1808
01:23:05,747 --> 01:23:08,147
of your actions
impact on other people?
1809
01:23:08,215 --> 01:23:09,349
Oh, come on.
Seriously.
1810
01:23:09,417 --> 01:23:11,485
No. What if you had
committed suicide?
1811
01:23:11,552 --> 01:23:13,119
Think, think if
you didn't exist,
1812
01:23:13,187 --> 01:23:15,922
how the world would
suddenly change in
ways you can't imagine.
1813
01:23:15,990 --> 01:23:17,090
Oh, my God.
You know what?
1814
01:23:17,157 --> 01:23:19,025
You sound like
that movie they ram
1815
01:23:19,093 --> 01:23:20,594
down your throat
every Christmas.
1816
01:23:20,661 --> 01:23:22,729
What?
- What if the guardian angel
1817
01:23:22,797 --> 01:23:24,264
had saved Jimmy Stewart,
1818
01:23:24,331 --> 01:23:27,000
and Jimmy Stewart
was the guy who
smoked in bed,
1819
01:23:27,067 --> 01:23:32,138
and he lived
and caused a fire
that killed 60 people? So?
1820
01:23:32,206 --> 01:23:35,909
How about that?
Everybody's life is
still worth saving?
1821
01:23:35,976 --> 01:23:38,111
Even if it's Christmas?
Come on, seriously.
1822
01:23:38,178 --> 01:23:41,214
You must have
a very dim view
of the human race.
1823
01:23:41,282 --> 01:23:44,050
Oh, the human race.
They've had to install
1824
01:23:44,118 --> 01:23:46,286
automatic toilets
in public restrooms,
1825
01:23:46,353 --> 01:23:49,222
because people
can't be entrusted
to flush a toilet.
1826
01:23:49,290 --> 01:23:52,559
Come on, flushing a toilet!
They can't even
flush a toilet!
1827
01:23:53,694 --> 01:23:55,228
Visiting time is over.
1828
01:23:55,296 --> 01:23:57,063
What? You're kicking me out?
1829
01:23:57,131 --> 01:23:58,231
Yeah.
1830
01:23:58,299 --> 01:24:02,068
Seriously?
- Yeah. Absolutely.
1831
01:24:02,136 --> 01:24:06,573
All right, listen.
Honestly, I'm really
sorry about all this
1832
01:24:07,909 --> 01:24:10,544
and is there
anything I can do
to make this up to you?
1833
01:24:10,611 --> 01:24:13,346
Can I get you something?
What can I do?
1834
01:24:14,749 --> 01:24:17,951
If I can ever walk again,
you can buy me dinner.
1835
01:24:18,018 --> 01:24:19,786
What do you do, Helena?
1836
01:24:19,854 --> 01:24:21,521
Me? I'm a psychic.
1837
01:24:24,358 --> 01:24:26,760
I'm sorry. Really?
1838
01:24:26,828 --> 01:24:30,664
I was born with
a very rare gift.
I can see into the future.
1839
01:24:30,731 --> 01:24:32,566
If you can see
into the future,
how come you didn't know
1840
01:24:32,633 --> 01:24:35,769
I was gonna
jump out a building
and land on top of you?
1841
01:24:37,404 --> 01:24:38,805
Maybe I did.
1842
01:24:42,610 --> 01:24:44,277
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
1843
01:24:52,820 --> 01:24:54,721
MAN: Happy new year to you.
1844
01:24:59,994 --> 01:25:02,529
We're so excited.
Howard is selling the gym,
1845
01:25:02,597 --> 01:25:06,232
but we're going to open up
an antique shop in Chelsea.
Yeah. Art deco.
1846
01:25:06,300 --> 01:25:08,635
We're going to have
a wonderful collection
of movie posters.
1847
01:25:08,703 --> 01:25:10,003
Can you believe
this cracker?
1848
01:25:10,070 --> 01:25:12,171
This red state
Neanderthal?
1849
01:25:12,239 --> 01:25:15,241
This mindless zombie
of the National
Rifle Association?
1850
01:25:15,309 --> 01:25:17,110
My shrink says
that the guns were all
1851
01:25:17,177 --> 01:25:19,245
a manifestation of
my sexual inadequacy.
1852
01:25:19,313 --> 01:25:20,814
Yeah, if it weren't
for sexual inadequacy,
1853
01:25:20,882 --> 01:25:24,350
the National
Rifle Association
would go broke.
1854
01:25:24,418 --> 01:25:27,153
He's moved in
with Howard Cummings,
nee Kaminsky.
1855
01:25:27,221 --> 01:25:28,955
And not only is
he sleeping with a man,
1856
01:25:29,023 --> 01:25:31,157
soon he'll be
celebrating Purim.
1857
01:25:31,225 --> 01:25:33,092
More important,
for the first time
1858
01:25:33,160 --> 01:25:35,929
in his adult life,
he's happy.
1859
01:25:35,997 --> 01:25:38,331
I should have known
why I was failing you,
Marietta,
1860
01:25:38,399 --> 01:25:40,299
not fulfilling
your womanly needs.
1861
01:25:40,367 --> 01:25:43,069
Which turned out to
be quite considerable.
1862
01:25:43,137 --> 01:25:46,606
Mine, too, but not with
the sex I'd been raised
to be attracted to.
1863
01:25:46,674 --> 01:25:48,642
You're like
a changed man, John.
1864
01:25:48,709 --> 01:25:51,177
Your whole personality
is sunnier.
1865
01:25:51,245 --> 01:25:52,879
If only it had
been that way.
1866
01:25:52,947 --> 01:25:54,981
I couldn't when I was
making love to you.
1867
01:25:55,049 --> 01:25:57,417
I was a square peg
in a round hole,
1868
01:25:57,484 --> 01:25:59,285
you should pardon
the metaphor.
1869
01:25:59,353 --> 01:26:00,620
Well, I just hope
you two lucked out
1870
01:26:00,688 --> 01:26:02,756
and found the right person
in each other.
1871
01:26:02,823 --> 01:26:04,724
I know I lucked out.
1872
01:26:04,792 --> 01:26:06,860
What about you, Boris?
1873
01:26:06,928 --> 01:26:10,263
As you would say
in the crude fashion
of your generation,
1874
01:26:11,265 --> 01:26:13,700
I totally lucked out.
1875
01:26:13,768 --> 01:26:19,205
It just shows what
meaningless blind chance
the universe is.
1876
01:26:19,273 --> 01:26:22,943
Everybody schemes and dreams
to meet the right person,
1877
01:26:23,010 --> 01:26:26,345
and I jump out a window
and land on her.
1878
01:26:26,413 --> 01:26:27,747
And a psychic yet!
1879
01:26:27,815 --> 01:26:30,717
I mean, come on,
talk about
the irrational heart,
1880
01:26:30,785 --> 01:26:34,220
not to mention
I've developed
a fondness for grits.
1881
01:26:34,288 --> 01:26:38,058
I have a question,
am I a member
of my generation?
1882
01:26:38,125 --> 01:26:40,760
Yes. Don't worry.
I'll explain it to you.
1883
01:26:40,828 --> 01:26:43,630
Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on!
The ball's about to drop!
1884
01:26:43,698 --> 01:26:44,898
Come on!
1885
01:26:44,966 --> 01:26:46,432
(PEOPLE CHEERING ON TV)
ALL: Ten,
1886
01:26:46,500 --> 01:26:47,667
nine,
1887
01:26:47,735 --> 01:26:50,369
eight, seven,
1888
01:26:50,437 --> 01:26:52,806
six, five,
1889
01:26:52,873 --> 01:26:55,374
four, three,
1890
01:26:55,442 --> 01:26:57,510
two, one!
1891
01:26:57,578 --> 01:26:59,112
Happy new year!
1892
01:26:59,179 --> 01:27:01,380
(AULD LANG SYNE PLAYING)
1893
01:27:14,929 --> 01:27:17,664
I happen to hate
New Year's celebrations.
1894
01:27:17,732 --> 01:27:20,199
Everybody desperate
to have fun.
1895
01:27:20,267 --> 01:27:23,169
Trying to celebrate
in some pathetic little way.
1896
01:27:23,237 --> 01:27:26,139
Celebrate what?
A step closer to the grave?
1897
01:27:27,742 --> 01:27:29,976
That's why I can't
say enough times,
1898
01:27:30,044 --> 01:27:32,612
whatever love
you can get and give,
1899
01:27:32,680 --> 01:27:36,783
whatever happiness
you can filch or provide,
1900
01:27:36,851 --> 01:27:41,688
every temporary
measure of grace,
whatever works.
1901
01:27:41,756 --> 01:27:44,423
And don't kid yourself,
it's by no means
1902
01:27:44,491 --> 01:27:47,160
all up to your
own human ingenuity.
1903
01:27:47,227 --> 01:27:50,764
A bigger part of
your existence is luck
than you'd like to admit.
1904
01:27:50,831 --> 01:27:54,100
Christ, you know the odds
of your father's one sperm
1905
01:27:54,168 --> 01:27:58,538
from the billions,
finding the single egg
that made you?
1906
01:27:58,605 --> 01:28:01,041
Don't think about it,
you'll have a panic attack.
1907
01:28:01,108 --> 01:28:02,876
Boris, what are you doing?
Who you talking to?
1908
01:28:02,943 --> 01:28:05,444
What? There's people
out there watching us.
1909
01:28:05,512 --> 01:28:06,813
They're out there?
1910
01:28:06,881 --> 01:28:08,148
Yeah, yeah,
they're watching. What?
1911
01:28:08,215 --> 01:28:10,116
Please, Boris...
- You know...
1912
01:28:10,184 --> 01:28:12,251
Well, there was
when we started.
1913
01:28:12,319 --> 01:28:13,452
I don't know
how many are left.
1914
01:28:13,520 --> 01:28:15,354
Does anybody see
anybody out there?
1915
01:28:15,422 --> 01:28:16,455
Out there? No!
1916
01:28:16,523 --> 01:28:17,657
No!
1917
01:28:17,725 --> 01:28:19,125
Boris!
- No!
1918
01:28:20,460 --> 01:28:24,363
See? I'm the only one
who sees the whole picture.
1919
01:28:24,431 --> 01:28:27,633
That's what they mean
by genius.
1920
01:28:27,702 --> 01:28:29,969
Come on.
Happy new year, Boris.
1921
01:29:29,970 --> 01:29:30,970
Subtitles by LeapinLar