1
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,963
A Mostly True Story

2
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,128
The smell is sweet,

3
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,771
with urine only a minor component,

4
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:13,343
the prevalent odour suggesting
the inside of someone's ear.

5
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,596
Dank clothes are there, too,

6
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,932
wet wool and onions, which she eats raw,

7
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,770
plus, what for me has always been
the essence of poverty,

8
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,328
damp newspaper.

9
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,529
Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma

10
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,617
is masked by a liberal application
of various talcum powders,

11
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,287
with Yardley's Lavender
always a favourite.

12
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,873
And currently it is this genteel fragrance

13
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:48,895
that dominates the second subject,
as it were, in her odoriferous concerto.

14
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,524
But as she goes,
the original theme returns,

15
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,763
her own primary odour
now triumphantly restated

16
00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:01,490
and left hanging in the house
long after she has departed.

17
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,743
Tell her.

18
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,331
Miss Shepherd.

19
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,500
In future, I would prefer
if you didn't use my lavatory.

20
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,737
There are lavatories at the bottom
of the High Street. Use those.

21
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:17,340
They smell.
And I'm by nature a very clean person.

22
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:21,093
I have a testimonial for a clean room,
awarded me some years ago.

23
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,722
And, do you know,
my aunt, herself spotless,

24
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,309
said I was the cleanest
of all my mother's children,

25
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,354
particularly in the unseen places.

26
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,988
The writer is double.

27
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,536
There is the self who does the writing,
and there is the self who does the living.

28
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,483
And they talk. They argue.

29
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,528
Writing is talking to oneself.

30
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,405
And I've been doing it all my life,

31
00:04:56,505 --> 00:05:00,383
and long before I first saw this house
five years ago.

32
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:05,455
- Fifteen?
- Number 10 fetched 17.

33
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,557
Come on. I thought you had
a play on in the West End.

34
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,629
These houses have got so much potential,

35
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,798
once you get rid of the junk.

36
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,400
There you have it. Gloucester Crescent.

37
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,698
Good street. On the up and up.

38
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:31,330
Big motor, have you? Loads of room.

39
00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,381
Watch out...

40
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,553
- Just be a few minutes.
- All right, governor.

41
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,784
You're not Saint John, are you?

42
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,731
- Saint John who?
- Saint John, the disciple whom Jesus loved.

43
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,691
No. The name's Bennett.

44
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,626
Well, if you're not Saint John,
I need a push for the van.

45
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:19,628
It's conked out.

46
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,966
The battery, possibly.
I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick.

47
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,468
Well, was it distilled water?

48
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,998
It was holy water, so it doesn't
matter if it's distilled or not.

49
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,876
'Course, the oil is another possibility.

50
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,378
That's not holy, too?

51
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:38,397
Holy oil? Well, in a van,
it would be far too expensive. Now.

52
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:42,651
I want pushing around the corner. So...

53
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,853
Are you wanting to go far?

54
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,622
Possibly. I'm in two minds.

55
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,794
I'm turning left!

56
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,059
Is that it?

57
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,312
I need... I need the other end.

58
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,507
Well, that's half a mile away.

59
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,192
I'm in dire need of assistance.

60
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,569
I'm a sick woman.

61
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,071
Dying, possibly.

62
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,701
I'm just looking for a last resting place,
somewhere to lay my head.

63
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,789
Do you know of anyone?

64
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,585
Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go.

65
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:47,299
A proper writer might welcome such
an encounter as constituting experience.

66
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,913
Me, I have to wait and mull it over.

67
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,597
She saw you coming.

68
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,724
She's old.

69
00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,712
You wouldn't get Harold Pinter
pushing a van down the street.

70
00:07:58,812 --> 00:07:59,963
No, unlike me.

71
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:04,608
But then I'm too busy not writing plays
and leading my mad, vigorous creative life.

72
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:08,070
Yeah, you live it, I write it.

73
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,061
- Welcome.
- Hello.

74
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,744
- All moved in?
- Hello. Yes.

75
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,273
- Was the move good?
- Yes, thank you.

76
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:19,415
Well done.

77
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,696
It's a pretty house.

78
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:28,090
Not as big as ours, of course,
but then you're unattached.

79
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,092
No, it's attached to the house behind.

80
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,262
I mean you. You're single.

81
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,145
Sickert once lived in the street, apparently.
Dickens' abandoned wife.

82
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,731
Now it's the usual North London medley.

83
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:48,777
Advertising, journalism, TV.
People like you, writers, artists.

84
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,446
Anything in the pipeline?

85
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,948
Well, I have got a play
on in the West End.

86
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,076
Of course you have, yeah.

87
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,454
Dare one ask?

88
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,122
Thirteen five.

89
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,958
- Oh, my God.
- Yes, I know.

90
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:06,045
We're twice as big,
so what does that make ours worth?

91
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,616
Mind you,
our new neighbour won't help the prices.

92
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:10,909
Yes, we've met.

93
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,537
Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue.
Now it's our turn.

94
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,096
She seems to have settled at 66.

95
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,599
- Will they mind?
- I hope not.

96
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,476
We like to think we're a community.

97
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,104
Well, it's nice to talk to you.

98
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,636
So, what play has he got on?

99
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,071
We saw it. That domestic thing.

100
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658
Gone.

101
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,665
- That's litter, Mummy.
- Those are her things.

102
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,628
We thought you might like some pears.
They're from our garden in Suffolk.

103
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,505
Pears repeat on me.

104
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,803
Were you planning on staying long?

105
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,348
Not with that din going on.

106
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,212
I know what you're thinking.

107
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,522
Still, it's nice to feel
we're doing our bit for the homeless.

108
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,697
I'd like to keep it like this. Simple.

109
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,740
- Monastic.
- Quite.

110
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,995
- This is my bedroom.
- Nice.

111
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,998
So, do you like being in the play?

112
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,360
Love it. Love it.

113
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,087
So English. Just what people want.

114
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,950
Bed looks comfortable.

115
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,246
Well, maybe you could come around
and give me a hand with the decorating.

116
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,515
Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand
at the painting.

117
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,187
Hello, darling. You look a character.

118
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,819
Yes. This is Camden Town.

119
00:10:55,447 --> 00:11:00,534
Yes! I'm here most days. I teach.
And the pavement is my blackboard.

120
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,580
Now, I also sell pencils.

121
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,067
A gentleman came by the other day.

122
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,818
He said the pencil he bought from me

123
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,213
was the best pencil on the market
at the present time.

124
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,591
You're against the common markets, I see.

125
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,053
Me? Who said it was me?

126
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306
- You're not the writer?
- Not necessarily.

127
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,877
But I'll go so far as to say this.

128
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,020
They're anonymous.

129
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:32,066
And they're a shilling!
You've only given me sixpence.

130
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:36,221
Well, it says there,
"Saint Francis hurled money from him".

131
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,448
Well, yes, but he was a saint.

132
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:40,741
He could afford to.

133
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,869
Sodding beggars!

134
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:49,333
I'm not a beggar! I'm self-employed,
and this gentleman is my neighbour.

135
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,212
On the move again? You didn't stay long.

136
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,106
No. Because it was non-stop music.

137
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,885
Lucy is doing her O levels.

138
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,945
It's the noise levels I'm worried about.

139
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,575
Wave, darling.

140
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:26,537
Bye, darling.

141
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,747
Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling.

142
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,066
Sorry about all this.

143
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,459
- Glyndebourne.
- Così.

144
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,503
Lucky you. Have fun.

145
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,172
Look out. Madam's on the move.

146
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,680
So, whose turn will it be now?

147
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,543
- Slow down.
- I don't want to miss the curtain.

148
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:52,005
- Mrs Vaughan Williams?
- No. The Birts.

149
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,105
No!

150
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,343
Sixty-two.

151
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,386
No. Who?

152
00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,862
No! No!

153
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,364
- No, darling, that's us!
- Stop the cab!

154
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,410
Sorry! Sorry!

155
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,121
Sorry!

156
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,316
Sorry, you can't park here.

157
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,943
No, I've had guidance.
This is where it should go.

158
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:18,198
- Guidance? Who from?
- The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday.

159
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,925
She was outside
the post office in Parkway.

160
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,079
What does she know about parking?

161
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,206
Rufus, tell her we're going
to Glyndebourne!

162
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,556
I need a ruler.

163
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,336
I must measure the distance
between the tyres and the kerb.

164
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:35,340
See, one and a half inches
is the ideal gap.

165
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,968
I came across that
in a Catholic motoring magazine

166
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,096
under "Tips on Christian Parking".

167
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,182
This isn't Christian parking.
It's a fucking liberty.

168
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,365
Rufus.

169
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,478
You try to be nice,
and where does it get you?

170
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,646
Darling.

171
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,622
Well, you didn't stay long outside 66.

172
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,209
Not with that din.

173
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,044
They're not musical, are they?

174
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:58,696
Who?

175
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,116
You know, 61.

176
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:04,468
No. They go to the opera.
Are you all right?

177
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,871
What with all this to-do,

178
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,681
I think I'm about to be taken short.

179
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,710
Can I use your lavatory?

180
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,380
No! The flush is on the blink.

181
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,688
I don't mind.

182
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,843
Where is it?

183
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,276
Where is it?

184
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,116
Thank you.

185
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,878
I've got a meeting at the BBC.

186
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,005
What about?

187
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,689
It's just something I'm writing.

188
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,510
I thought you were coming up.

189
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,319
In a week or two.

190
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,738
I'm on my own.

191
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,156
I know you're on your own.

192
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,700
We're all on our own.

193
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:15,163
Well, can I come down there for a bit?
Is it a big house?

194
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:19,209
Not really. You wouldn't like it.
It's too many stairs.

195
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,379
They have these chairlift things now.

196
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,928
Are you still there?

197
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:31,847
Yes.

198
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,935
The foot feller came today.

199
00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,938
- Who?
- The foot feller.

200
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,983
Do you mean the chiropodist?

201
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,486
- You've written that down.
- I haven't.

202
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:52,367
Hey, I've given you some script.
I'm just raw material.

203
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,494
No, you're not.

204
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,996
Mam.

205
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,194
Are you all right?

206
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,712
Yeah. It's the van.

207
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,616
- It gets very close.
- I imagine.

208
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,716
You're tall.

209
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:12,054
My husband was tall.
I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams.

210
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,083
I won't shake hands. Gardening.

211
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,044
What, the composer? Greensleeves?

212
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,227
Among other things.

213
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:23,565
Why? Are you musical?
I don't even know your name.

214
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,068
It's Miss Shepherd.

215
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:32,407
But I wouldn't want it bandied about.
I'm in an incognito position, possibly.

216
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,326
Safe with me.

217
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,940
Shepherd. Drove ambulances
in the war, apparently.

218
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,066
Well, where did she spring from?

219
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,818
- And a nun once.
- A nun?

220
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,418
In the convent up the street.

221
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:48,241
Still, everybody's got something to hide.
My brother-in-law's a policeman.

222
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,344
That's Camden!
People wash up here. Like me.

223
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,290
- She'd be a good subject.
- What for?

224
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,891
You. One of your little plays.

225
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,061
Remember, I planted the seed!

226
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,897
No. No.

227
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:09,095
I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is.
One old lady's enough.

228
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:12,348
I live, you write. That's how it works.

229
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,309
- Yeah, except you don't much.
- Don't what?

230
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,854
Live. Put yourself into what you write.

231
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,372
How? We're both so fucking tame.

232
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,172
Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois.
The social worker.

233
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:34,010
I don't want a social worker. I'm about
to listen to the repeat of Any Answers?

234
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:37,415
I brought you some clothes.
You wrote asking for a coat.

235
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,517
Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman.

236
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,562
I only asked for one coat.

237
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,647
I brought three,
in case you fancied a change.

238
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,885
Where am I supposed to put three coats?

239
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,986
Green is not my colour.

240
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,779
Have you got a stick?

241
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,518
The Council have that in hand.
It's been precepted for.

242
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,660
Will it be long enough?

243
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,788
Yes. It's one of our special sticks.

244
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,749
I don't want a special stick.

245
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,169
I want an ordinary stick, only longer.
Shut the door.

246
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,131
If I want to get in touch with you,
whom should I call?

247
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,884
Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23.

248
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:18,805
Only don't take any notice of what he says.
He's a communist, possibly.

249
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,769
Well, have you tried the people opposite?
They're nearer.

250
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,148
Well, they said they don't relate to her.
You were the one she related to.

251
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,359
Is that what they said? "Related to"?

252
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,471
No, that's me.

253
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,030
They said you were her pal.

254
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,702
- She was your girlfriend.
- Jesus.

255
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,038
Does she use your lavatory?

256
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,707
Well, only in an emergency.

257
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,460
That might give her squatter's rights.

258
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,421
We'd be much happier if she moved on.

259
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:52,923
"We"?

260
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,050
Camden.

261
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,203
All right, I've got everything.

262
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,263
The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup,
the miniature whisky.

263
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,391
That's medicinal.

264
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,900
Well, she seemed very understanding,
the social worker.

265
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:14,236
Not understanding enough.

266
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,224
I mean, I ask for a wheelchair,
and what does she get me?

267
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,491
A walking stick.

268
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:23,411
And she says I don't get an allowance
unless I get an address?

269
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,441
Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent".
Isn't that an address?

270
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,376
No! It needs to be a house.

271
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,421
A residence.

272
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,094
Anyway, I might be
going away soon, possibly.

273
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,038
How long for?

274
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,473
Broadstairs, possibly.

275
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,601
Why Broadstairs? Have you family there?

276
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,520
No. No.

277
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,673
Have you got any family?

278
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,191
I just need the air.

279
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,863
I saw a snake this morning.
It was coming up Parkway.

280
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,448
A long grey snake.

281
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,019
- It was a boa constrictor, possibly.
- No.

282
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,021
It looked poisonous.

283
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,898
It was keeping close to the wall,

284
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,318
and I have a feeling
it was headed for the van.

285
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,402
No, Miss Shepherd...

286
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:15,031
I thought I'd better warn you,
just to be on the safe side.

287
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,700
I've had some close shaves with snakes.

288
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,579
Listen to me, Miss Shepherd, there are no
boa constrictors in Camden Town.

289
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:26,584
What, are you calling me a liar?
I know a boa constrictor when I see one.

290
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,436
You all right, my love?
Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart.

291
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,382
Don't "sweetheart" me.

292
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,818
I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly.

293
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,989
Well, chin up, love,
we all gotta go sometime.

294
00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,326
Smells like you already have.

295
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:50,107
I do not believe in the snake,
still less that it was en route for the van.

296
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:50,916
I do not believe in the snake,
still less that it was en route for the van.

297
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:56,004
Only next day, I find there has been
a break-in at the local pet shop.

298
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,006
So, there may have been
a snake on the run.

299
00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,341
Good God.

300
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,760
So, of course, I feel guilty.

301
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,664
Giles! Giles! Giles!

302
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:09,669
A real writer would have asked her
about her close shaves with snakes,

303
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,937
only she seems to have cleared off.

304
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,396
Quick as you can, love.

305
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,442
I'm getting off.
Don't rush me! Don't rush me.

306
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,210
Nightie?

307
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,130
This is not a nightdress.

308
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,635
This style can't have got
to Broadstairs yet.

309
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,707
And I know the law.
You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie.

310
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,099
What're you doing in Broadstairs?

311
00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,227
I am minding my own business!

312
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,014
Alan! Come out here!

313
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,682
What for?

314
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,019
There's some massive birds on the wall.

315
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,690
There never are. There's nothing on the wall.
You're imagining things.

316
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,567
There are.

317
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:46,197
And there were, lined up on the garden wall,
four peacocks from the Hall.

318
00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:50,201
So, boa constrictors in the street,
peacocks on the wall.

319
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,205
It seems that both at the northern
and southern gates of my life

320
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,458
stands a deluded woman.

321
00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:59,169
- Except you just said they aren't.
- Aren't what?

322
00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,447
- Deluded.
- Well, not in this particular instance.

323
00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:03,840
And they're not the same, Alan.
Mam and Miss Shepherd.

324
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,536
No, Alan, they are not.
But they are both old ladies.

325
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,554
That appears to be my niche apparently.

326
00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:12,390
Whereas my contemporaries
lovingly chronicle

327
00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:15,419
their first tentative investigations
of the opposite sex,

328
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,798
or their adventures
in the world of journalism,

329
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,899
I'm stuck with old ladies.

330
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,470
All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook.

331
00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,805
But only on the off chance.

332
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,031
She's not a project.
She's not in the pipeline.

333
00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:30,992
I don't want to write about her. She's...

334
00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:33,411
She's just something that's happening.

335
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,747
So, what do you want to write about?

336
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,333
I want to write about spies.

337
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,667
Spies?

338
00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:42,488
Yeah, you see?
You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia.

339
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,173
I can't always be writing about the North.

340
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,510
"I was born and brought up in Leeds,
where my father was a butcher.

341
00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:51,346
"And as a boy, I would often go out
on the bike with the orders."

342
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,934
It's not Proust.
It's not even J.B. Priestley.

343
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:06,595
The houses in the Crescent were built
as villas for the Victorian middle class.

344
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:11,183
And their basements are now being enlarged
by couples who are liberal in outlook,

345
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,285
but not easy
with their newfound prosperity.

346
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:16,871
Guilt, in a word.

347
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:23,461
Which means that in varying degrees,
they tolerate Miss Shepherd.

348
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:27,298
Their consciences absolved
by her presence.

349
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,312
Merry Christmas!

350
00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,402
Shut the door!

351
00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:50,989
Shut the door.
I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman.

352
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,665
Crème brûlée.

353
00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,675
What was your first play about?

354
00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:15,847
Public school. Which, more accurately,
is what you Americans call private school.

355
00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,683
But you didn't go to public school.

356
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,519
No. But I read about it.

357
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:27,233
And what was your next play about?

358
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,695
Sex. I read about that, too.

359
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,452
Very good.

360
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,149
Stop it! Stop it! Just...

361
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,083
Get away from us! It's her!

362
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,419
Do you have a problem?

363
00:25:46,629 --> 00:25:49,532
- They were making the noise!
- They're children!

364
00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,617
I am a sick woman!

365
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:52,800
You certainly are!

366
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,120
Get off the road!

367
00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,387
Go ahead! Road hog.

368
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:05,214
Mr Bennett. I've worked out a way
of getting on the wireless.

369
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,465
What?

370
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,260
I want to do
one of those phone-in programmes.

371
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:13,154
Something someone like you
could get put on in a jiffy.

372
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:17,143
You see, I could be called

373
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:22,247
the "Lady Behind the Curtain",
or "A Woman of Britain", you see.

374
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:25,568
You could take a nom de plume view of it.

375
00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:29,921
And I see the curtain as being here.

376
00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,800
You see, some greeny material would do.

377
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,052
I thought this was a phone-in.

378
00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:37,679
Yeah, well?

379
00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:41,933
Well, it's the radio.
There's no need for a curtain at all.

380
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:45,254
Yes, we can iron out these hiccups
when the time comes, you see.

381
00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:50,108
And when I come in,
I can catch up with some civilisation.

382
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,927
"Civilisation"? What,
you mean the television?

383
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,070
Yeah, you know, wild life.
Famines, you know.

384
00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,558
Sheepdog trials, possibly.
I mean, I do watch.

385
00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,703
I watch in Currys' window,
but it's not ideal.

386
00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:08,584
Yes.

387
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:19,220
What guerre?

388
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,319
I was studying incognito à Paris.

389
00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,988
But what were you studying?

390
00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:41,659
Music.

391
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:44,954
The pianoforte, possibly.

392
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,818
Have you got an old pan scrub?
I'm thinking of painting the van.

393
00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:54,756
You know, one of those little mop things
they use to wash dishes with would do.

394
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,383
- Well, how about a brush?
- I've got a brush.

395
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,011
It's just for the first coat.

396
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,082
Okay, she's been a nun.

397
00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:04,500
Only now it turns out

398
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:09,228
she's been a musician besides
and seemingly with fluent French.

399
00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:11,257
She's certainly no painter,

400
00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:13,926
because today, rain notwithstanding,

401
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:18,973
she moves slowly around her mobile home,
thoughtfully touching up the rust patches

402
00:28:19,073 --> 00:28:22,408
with crushed mimosa,
always a favourite shade.

403
00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,077
Morning.

404
00:28:25,788 --> 00:28:28,873
She's using the wrong paint.
Cars have special paint.

405
00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,043
Not this one. It's Catholic paint.

406
00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,463
- And she smells.
- That's because she's poor.

407
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,384
You'd smell if we were poor.
Morning, Ursula.

408
00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,053
- Hello, love.
- Hello, darling.

409
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,390
Telling me about paint.

410
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:49,394
I was in infant school.
I won a prize for painting!

411
00:28:49,603 --> 00:28:51,437
- But it's all lumps. You have to mix it.
- I have.

412
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:55,733
I have mixed it.
Only I got some Madeira cake in it.

413
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,803
Cake or no cake,

414
00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:01,181
all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up
looking as if they'd been given a coat

415
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:04,075
of badly made custard,
or plastered with scrambled eggs.

416
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,077
Divine!

417
00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:11,066
Still, there were few occasions
on which one saw her genuinely happy,

418
00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:13,501
and one of these
was when she was putting paint on.

419
00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:17,004
Jackson Pollock himself
could not have done it better.

420
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,341
Even with a pan scrub.

421
00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,184
What're you doing? Get off my van!

422
00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,104
- Yellow lines.
- Sorry?

423
00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:35,273
Parking restrictions.

424
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,943
- What a bore.
- She'll be illegally parked.

425
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,695
She'll have to move.

426
00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,785
Look. Look.

427
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,357
- It's a removal order.
- I know it's a removal order.

428
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,374
Well, it means
you'll have to drive on somewhere else.

429
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,194
But I'm disabled!

430
00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:59,088
I don't always use a walking stick.
That pulls the wool over people's eyes.

431
00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:02,216
But I am a bona fide resident of Camden!

432
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:06,304
And I had rheumatic fever as a child,
and mumps.

433
00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:09,140
I still think you'll have to move on.
Go somewhere else.

434
00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,767
It won't move. There's not enough juice.

435
00:30:11,894 --> 00:30:14,812
- Well, I'll get you some up the road.
- I don't like their petrol!

436
00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:18,816
I don't know. It could be, it could go.
It just might need a bit of coaxing.

437
00:30:19,902 --> 00:30:20,902
What I'm...

438
00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:26,032
What I'm worried about particularly
are the wheels.

439
00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:29,243
They're under divine protection.

440
00:30:29,495 --> 00:30:32,788
If I do get this other vehicle,
I'd like the wheels transferred.

441
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,542
- What other vehicle?
- They may be miraculous, the tyres.

442
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,921
They've only had to be pumped up once
since 1964.

443
00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,341
- What other vehicle?
- They only cost me a fiver.

444
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:45,801
Miss Shepherd,
you said about another vehicle?

445
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:47,512
Yeah, a van.

446
00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,347
Another van?

447
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,851
Well, a newer model.

448
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:59,690
A titled Catholic lady says
she may get me one, as an act of charity.

449
00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,276
It's Lady Wiggin.

450
00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:05,446
Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous.

451
00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:09,450
I'll bet she would.
So, why don't you park it outside her house?

452
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,370
- It's out of the question.
- There's plenty of room.

453
00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,956
- I have neighbours!
- So have I.

454
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:18,543
So, should I not buy her another van?

455
00:31:19,378 --> 00:31:21,420
- Please your fucking self.
- What?

456
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,882
Mr Bennett, I've worked it out.

457
00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,718
Mr Bennett.

458
00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:34,642
The ideal solution
would be off-street parking.

459
00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,397
You know, a driveway, possibly.

460
00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:42,275
So, what are you going to do?

461
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,448
Play it by ear.

462
00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:09,010
Lady?

463
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,096
Are you there?

464
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,434
Is this a bad moment?

465
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,937
Have you got something for me?

466
00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:24,108
You bad bitch!

467
00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:25,985
You dirty, lying bitch!

468
00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,780
Can I help you?

469
00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:33,784
Good evening to you, sir!

470
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,271
I'm finding myself in the vicinity.

471
00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:39,665
I'm taking the opportunity
to pay my compliments to Margaret.

472
00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:43,461
- Margaret?
- An old friend from way back.

473
00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:44,837
You mean Miss Shepherd?

474
00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:47,131
Shepherd, is it? Very good.

475
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,760
- Well, she'll be asleep.
- Of course.

476
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:56,057
I'll bid you a good night, sir.
I'll call again when my schedule permits.

477
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,164
Thank you.

478
00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:40,851
Are you in there? Rise and shine!

479
00:33:41,103 --> 00:33:44,188
- Get out, you old witch!
- What a smelly bitch!

480
00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,858
Come on, darling! Come on!

481
00:33:54,783 --> 00:33:56,492
Excuse me. Excuse me, lads.

482
00:33:56,618 --> 00:33:59,787
- Who the fuck are you?
- Never mind who I am. I've got your number!

483
00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:02,790
Just clear off!
I live here, and I've got your number!

484
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,710
An old lady lives in there.
Just shove off!

485
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:08,629
Miss Shepherd?

486
00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:13,801
Miss Shepherd?

487
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,889
Miss Shepherd, are you all right?

488
00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:23,394
Yes, yes. I think so.

489
00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,050
What was it about?
It wasn't the police, was it?

490
00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:33,362
No. They were louts, but if you choose
to live like this, it's what you must expect.

491
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:40,244
I didn't choose. I was chosen.

492
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,999
Well, that settles it.

493
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:46,902
You think?

494
00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:50,171
I can't always be looking out for her.
I'm not her keeper.

495
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,673
I mean, what happens to work?

496
00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,595
- I think she should either go or...
- Or what?

497
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:05,019
Or bring the van into the drive,
where we can forget about her.

498
00:35:06,188 --> 00:35:08,397
Actually, that's why some men marry.

499
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,317
So they don't have to think any more
about their wives.

500
00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:13,970
- That's not bad.
- Yes, except it's Proust.

501
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:15,070
Yes.

502
00:35:15,572 --> 00:35:18,532
And it'll only be for a few months,
until she decides where she's going.

503
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,496
It'll be easier, but it's not kindness.

504
00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,107
No.

505
00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:28,584
"Good nature,
or what is often considered as such,

506
00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:31,238
"is the most selfish of all virtues.

507
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:35,466
"It is nine times out of 10
mere indolence of disposition."

508
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:37,369
That's not you.

509
00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:40,455
Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will.

510
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,390
She's known what she's wanted all along.

511
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:17,784
The soul in question did confess
though in guarded terms

512
00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:20,328
in Rome in Holy Year,

513
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,931
though I'm not sure
the priest understood English.

514
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,269
Do I look like a joy rider?

515
00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:32,841
My child,

516
00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:37,444
you have already been given absolution
for this particular sin.

517
00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,867
I have given you it myself
on several occasions.

518
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:47,788
Have faith.
Absolution is not like a bus pass.

519
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,040
It does not run out.

520
00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:04,498
Christ.

521
00:37:04,598 --> 00:37:08,434
There's air freshener behind the Virgin.

522
00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,027
I thought we'd finally got rid of her.

523
00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:20,639
He's a saint.

524
00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,908
Ralph was the same.
Some people are just kind.

525
00:37:24,326 --> 00:37:28,396
- Kind?
- This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind.

526
00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:29,955
Yeah, that's true.

527
00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:34,752
And now the old cow
has got a foot in the door. He's a fool.

528
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:37,463
- Who else would do it?
- Yes.

529
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,841
We might. It's just the girls.

530
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,577
Pauline.

531
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,014
I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't
know the lady, but can I ask something?

532
00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,308
- What makes her Alan's problem?
- Quite.

533
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,853
Darling, she's a human being.

534
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:55,481
Only just.

535
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,483
Changing the subject.

536
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,152
When are we going to find Alan a girl?

537
00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,600
Josephine's pregnant again.

538
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,104
No! Actually, I'm just trying to think
who Josephine is.

539
00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,189
- The hamster.
- Jesus.

540
00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,607
Here we are.

541
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:16,528
We were just saying
how grateful she'll be.

542
00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,628
Yes.

543
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,883
Put the van in your drive?

544
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,220
That never occurred to me.

545
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:30,125
I don't know. I don't know.
It might not be convenient.

546
00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,961
No, I've thought it over.
Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right.

547
00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,104
Just till you sort yourself out.

548
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,066
Well, not convenient for you!
Convenient for me.

549
00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:43,112
You're not doing me a favour, you know.
I have got other fish to fry.

550
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,807
A man on the pavement told me

551
00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:50,577
if I went south of the river,
I'd be welcomed with open arms.

552
00:38:55,417 --> 00:38:58,919
I was about to do her a good turn,
but, as ever,

553
00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,423
it was not without thoughts
of strangulation.

554
00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:07,261
She would come into the garden, yes,

555
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,763
but only as a favour to me.

556
00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:31,869
That's it.

557
00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,543
Have you put on the handbrake?

558
00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,936
I am about to do so.

559
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:03,150
Whereupon she applies the handbrake
with such determination

560
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:07,154
that, like Excalibur,
it can never afterwards be released.

561
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,447
Are you all right?

562
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,034
Now she is on the premises,

563
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,662
I sometimes get a glimpse
of Miss Shepherd praying,

564
00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:19,083
and it is seldom a tranquil
or a meditative process.

565
00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,627
I hunger and thirst for fulfilment...

566
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,838
The fervour of her intercessions
rocking her to and fro.

567
00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:26,673
...in possible light received.

568
00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:30,052
What is it she's wanting forgiveness for?

569
00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:36,683
I used to pray myself when I was young,
but never like this.

570
00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:42,356
I'd never done anything,
but what has she done?

571
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,343
Who's the old bat?

572
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,444
She's a friend.

573
00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:50,265
A friend?

574
00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:52,699
Well, someone I know.

575
00:40:54,202 --> 00:40:55,369
Weird.

576
00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:57,162
Yeah, maybe.

577
00:40:58,832 --> 00:41:00,108
Actually, I think I better be off.

578
00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:03,043
You don't want to stay
for coffee or anything?

579
00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:04,586
No.

580
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,384
Bye.

581
00:41:22,272 --> 00:41:23,272
Mr Bennett?

582
00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:26,275
That young man,

583
00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:28,569
did he have an earring?

584
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,070
He did.

585
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,740
You want to be careful.

586
00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,912
She'll be wanting to move in next.

587
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,250
Said my mother,
who's been in London on a state visit.

588
00:41:43,543 --> 00:41:46,962
- Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive?
- I forgot.

589
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,174
I got a whiff of her when I first came.

590
00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,052
Right nasty bad dishcloth smell.

591
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,847
Well, she's in the garden.

592
00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:58,932
Next, it'll be the house.

593
00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,143
What will folks think?

594
00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,937
This is London. Nobody thinks anything.

595
00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:08,442
It's with her being a nun,
not having got off.

596
00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:10,068
They get thwarted.

597
00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:18,493
An educated woman, and living like that.

598
00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,523
Mind you, you're going down the same road.

599
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:22,623
Me?

600
00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:27,502
No cloth on the table.
No holder for the toilet roll.

601
00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,548
Given time, I could have
this place spotless.

602
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,008
You've got a home.

603
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:37,804
You won't want to live here.

604
00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:44,311
Where does she go to the lav?

605
00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:46,939
It has something to do with plastic bags.

606
00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,483
What sort of plastic bags?

607
00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,652
Stout ones, I hope.

608
00:42:52,153 --> 00:42:54,821
- You've not met her. Do you want to?
- No.

609
00:42:55,323 --> 00:43:00,786
No. With her being educated
I wouldn't know what to say.

610
00:43:09,337 --> 00:43:11,171
Give us a kiss!

611
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:14,841
- When will you be coming up next?
- Soon.

612
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,843
The thing is

613
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:21,682
I keep seeing a car in the car park.

614
00:43:21,975 --> 00:43:23,418
That's slightly to be expected, isn't it?

615
00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:26,019
At night. Watching.

616
00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:28,522
You taking your tablets?

617
00:43:29,691 --> 00:43:31,358
When I remember.

618
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,698
She should be in a home.

619
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:40,701
- Where does she go to the lav?
- I told you.

620
00:43:40,994 --> 00:43:42,494
Looked after.

621
00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:46,331
A place where they'd wash her
and make her presentable.

622
00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:48,959
I'm surprised
they let her roam the streets.

623
00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:53,740
It's like a fairy story, a parable...

624
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,116
Good morning.

625
00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:58,885
...in which the guilty is gulled into devising
a sentence for someone innocent...

626
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,038
Hello.

627
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,556
...only to find it is their own doom
they have pronounced...

628
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,083
King's Cross, please.

629
00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,628
...because my mother
is much closer to being put in a home...

630
00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:08,588
- Got your purse?
- Yes.

631
00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,397
...than Miss Shepherd.

632
00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:13,734
I do miss your dad.

633
00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:15,569
Give me a kiss.

634
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:23,660
I asked our Gordon, when he was a pilot,
did he go behind the clouds?

635
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,204
- Did he?
- I can't remember.

636
00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:31,376
He's a love, though. I know that.

637
00:44:32,462 --> 00:44:35,213
- Bye, Mam.
- Bye.

638
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:21,968
Good afternoon.
Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house?

639
00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,471
No. Try the van.

640
00:45:57,839 --> 00:45:59,005
Thanks.

641
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,178
Clear off!

642
00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:12,519
Mr Bennett?

643
00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,023
These men who come late at night,

644
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,359
I know what they are.

645
00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:21,027
Jesus.

646
00:46:21,154 --> 00:46:25,157
They're communists.
Else why would they come at night?

647
00:46:26,868 --> 00:46:30,120
We constantly come back to the same point.

648
00:46:30,538 --> 00:46:33,206
Argentina was the invader.
The Argentine...

649
00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:35,584
I like the new vehicle.

650
00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,464
Not a mark on it.

651
00:46:44,594 --> 00:46:46,136
Not a bloody scratch!

652
00:46:51,184 --> 00:46:53,059
What's your name now, Margaret?

653
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,296
My name's Mary! Go away!

654
00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:58,231
Mary, is it now? Mary what?

655
00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:01,234
Mary what?

656
00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:05,530
- I'll call the police!
- Call the police?

657
00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,910
I don't think you will,
you two-faced pisshole.

658
00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,746
'Cause calling the police
is just what you didn't do.

659
00:47:12,914 --> 00:47:15,916
Apropos of which,
I think another contribution is due.

660
00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:18,752
Can I help you? What's all this din?

661
00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,197
No din, sir.

662
00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:25,050
Margaret and I were just taking a stroll
down memory lane.

663
00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:29,387
No. Don't "Margaret" me.
That name is buried to sin.

664
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,889
You came before.

665
00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,768
Of course, this isn't the van, is it?

666
00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:36,269
She had another one.

667
00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,188
Kind of you.

668
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,524
A homeless woman.

669
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,818
A thankless soul.

670
00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:46,404
And not over-salubrious.

671
00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:47,656
Good-bye, Margaret.

672
00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:53,870
I thought you said your name was Mary.

673
00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:56,456
- It is.
- So, why does he call you Margaret?

674
00:47:57,458 --> 00:48:01,294
He's taken too much to drink
on an empty stomach, possibly.

675
00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:04,464
It is your name? Mary Shepherd.

676
00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:09,928
Subject to the Roman Catholic Church
in her rights and to amendment.

677
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,727
It's obviously not her name.

678
00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:21,481
But although years have passed
since she drove her van into the garden,

679
00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,802
I'm still too polite to ask who she is,

680
00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:29,390
let alone what this fellow wants
who materializes at regular intervals

681
00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:32,242
and comes braying on the side of the van.

682
00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:35,996
Music has something to do with it.

683
00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:40,333
But is it just the noise, or music itself?

684
00:48:52,805 --> 00:48:54,389
I can hear the music.

685
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,017
I can hear it!

686
00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:02,689
Why must you play that?

687
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,566
I can hear it!

688
00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,612
How can you dislike music?
You used to play the piano.

689
00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:10,071
How do you know that?

690
00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:12,115
You told me.

691
00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:16,202
I didn't say I didn't like it.
I don't want to hear it, that's all!

692
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:23,293
Should she speak now?

693
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,378
Should she explain?

694
00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:30,008
Well, she never lets on. Never explains.

695
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,594
Well, maybe she should.

696
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,443
Well, I...

697
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,574
I was once left alone in a room
in the convent.

698
00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,287
They didn't leave novices alone normally.

699
00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:03,291
And there was a piano there.

700
00:50:05,461 --> 00:50:08,129
I tried it, and it was open.

701
00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,302
It needed tuning.

702
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:18,139
Some of the notes were dead.

703
00:50:21,143 --> 00:50:25,814
But it sounded more beautiful to me
than any of the pianos I'd ever played.

704
00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,501
And then

705
00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:51,047
suddenly, the mistress
of the novices came in.

706
00:50:52,425 --> 00:50:56,037
Crept in, possibly, 'cause
I didn't hear her. She said...

707
00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:57,804
It's God's will.

708
00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:01,683
That was what God wanted.
And that I'd been told before.

709
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,502
And don't argue.

710
00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:04,644
I said,

711
00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,426
couldn't I just play some hymns
for us to sing to?

712
00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:13,737
And she said that was arguing.

713
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:18,658
And I'd never make a nun if I argued.

714
00:51:27,710 --> 00:51:30,044
So, with painful symmetry,

715
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:33,214
my mother ends up in a home
in Weston-super-Mare

716
00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:38,553
while her derelict counterpart
resides in my garden.

717
00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:43,892
Putting my mother in a home,
I see as some sort of failure.

718
00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:49,481
And giving the other a home,
that's a failure, too.

719
00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:57,363
Jesus.

720
00:51:58,240 --> 00:52:00,909
She's got herself a three-wheeler.

721
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,731
Where will you park it?

722
00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:07,248
In the residents' parking.

723
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,486
- You haven't got a permit.
- Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday.

724
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:11,904
Well, you never told me.

725
00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,922
Well, you'd only have raised objections
if I had.

726
00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:15,199
Have you insured it?

727
00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:18,369
I don't need insuring.
It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven.

728
00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:21,205
So, who pays if you have an accident,
the Pope?

729
00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,806
I shan't have an accident.

730
00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:24,291
Well, what if you run into something?

731
00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:26,711
I shan't run into anything.
I'm an experienced driver.

732
00:52:26,811 --> 00:52:28,629
I drove ambulances in the blackout.

733
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:30,814
Well, what if someone runs into you?

734
00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,983
Miss Shepherd,
what if someone runs into you?

735
00:52:34,235 --> 00:52:36,178
You have no business saying that.

736
00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:38,571
Why do you say that?
No one is going to run into me!

737
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,407
Where's the key?

738
00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:42,810
- What key?
- The car key. I put it down.

739
00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:43,978
Well, I haven't got it.

740
00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:45,312
- You had to have taken it.
- I have not.

741
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,914
You're lying! You don't want me
to have the car, so you've taken the key.

742
00:52:48,082 --> 00:52:50,750
- Don't shout!
- I have to shout because of your ignorance.

743
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,086
People coming and going
all hours of the day and night.

744
00:52:53,254 --> 00:52:55,713
I'd be better off in a ditch!
Give me the key!

745
00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:57,575
I haven't got your sodding key!

746
00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,883
What's that around your neck?

747
00:52:59,093 --> 00:53:01,386
This is the key. The sodding key!

748
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,054
Having fun?

749
00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,684
Shouldn't you say sorry?

750
00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:10,353
I've no time for sorry.

751
00:53:10,855 --> 00:53:12,522
Sorry is for God.

752
00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:16,818
This was the only time I ever touched her,

753
00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:22,240
and not because she was calling me a liar,
but because she seemed mad.

754
00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:24,576
It was my mother.

755
00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:32,667
It's always Mam you compare her with.
They are not the same.

756
00:53:33,294 --> 00:53:36,129
I don't like them
even sharing the same sentence.

757
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,967
These days, it's almost
as if we're married.

758
00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:43,720
"How's your old lady?" They say.

759
00:53:44,138 --> 00:53:47,390
Which is what people call a wife.
Your old lady.

760
00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:49,934
How's your old lady?

761
00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,854
Well, she's still there. I'm still here.

762
00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,674
Your mother died, didn't she?

763
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,692
No, she's still here, too.

764
00:53:58,277 --> 00:53:59,944
She's in a home.

765
00:54:00,613 --> 00:54:04,449
Except she's not all there.
She's not anywhere.

766
00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,118
Shouldn't we make that plain in the play?

767
00:54:07,328 --> 00:54:11,205
No. It's classified information.

768
00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:14,500
Years ago,
Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home.

769
00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:17,295
But she's still on the loose.

770
00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:20,298
Of course, whether she's all there or not
is anyone's guess.

771
00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,883
Mr Bennett!

772
00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:28,306
You know, I don't like
the three-wheeler standing in the street.

773
00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:32,477
You see, if you pushed the van
in front of your window,

774
00:54:32,645 --> 00:54:35,089
I could get the Reliant
in there on the drive.

775
00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,272
There's tons of room.

776
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,025
So, I have the van and the Reliant.

777
00:54:39,652 --> 00:54:42,820
Yeah, I've had guidance
that's where it should be.

778
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,907
You know, in terms of vandals.

779
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:47,825
Guidance from whom?

780
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,662
I'm not at liberty to speak.

781
00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,957
I think I may contact
my new social worker.

782
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,376
What for? You always say
you don't want the social worker.

783
00:54:56,502 --> 00:54:58,836
I've had guidance she might help.

784
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,490
I don't want a used car lot.

785
00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:03,216
- Mary says.
- Mary who?

786
00:55:05,052 --> 00:55:06,328
Mary.

787
00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:07,887
Your Lady in the Van.

788
00:55:09,056 --> 00:55:11,265
Didn't you know her name was Mary?

789
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:14,060
Well, I suppose I did.
I always call her Miss Shepherd.

790
00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,020
We all have names.

791
00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,023
Perhaps if you called her by her name
and she called you by yours,

792
00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,051
"Alan", "Mary",

793
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,970
you never know, it might be easier
to talk things through.

794
00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,514
Through? There is no through.

795
00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:27,141
How do you talk things through
with someone

796
00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,518
who has conversations
with the Virgin Mary?

797
00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:32,412
You talk things through
with Isaiah Berlin, maybe,

798
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,232
who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd,
is a man of few words.

799
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:38,334
You do not talk things through with her
because you don't get through.

800
00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:42,171
Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here.

801
00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:45,008
I realise for you this may be
a steep learning curve.

802
00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:47,912
No. It is not a steep learning curve.

803
00:55:48,012 --> 00:55:50,388
I've never been
on a so-called learning curve.

804
00:55:51,265 --> 00:55:54,017
I'm about as likely to be found
on a learning curve

805
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:57,020
as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt.

806
00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:01,524
And besides, her name isn't Mary.

807
00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:05,695
Some people seem to think it's Margaret.

808
00:56:06,530 --> 00:56:08,531
You know, it isn't even Shepherd.

809
00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:12,686
Well, I have her down as Mary.

810
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:16,789
Yes, and you presumably have her down
as a rational human being.

811
00:56:58,165 --> 00:56:59,499
Hello!

812
00:56:59,750 --> 00:57:01,167
Mummy!

813
00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,880
Back in half an hour.

814
00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:26,520
Hello, Margaret.

815
00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,080
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.

816
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,917
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

817
00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,924
What are you doing there? Come on!

818
00:59:55,676 --> 00:59:58,010
What's happened to Stirling Moss?

819
00:59:58,345 --> 00:59:59,663
Haven't seen her at the wheel recently.

820
00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,432
Taking a well-earned break, I imagine.
The Dordogne, possibly.

821
01:00:03,934 --> 01:00:05,935
- Really?
- Pauline.

822
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,771
Her car's back.

823
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:13,276
But I haven't seen her around for a bit.
I wonder if she's all right.

824
01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:14,511
Am I right in thinking

825
01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:18,823
that large, many-contoured stain at the back
of her frock denotes incontinence?

826
01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:20,700
I don't think it's a fashion statement.

827
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,203
Darling.

828
01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:29,443
What you must be hoping is that
one of these days she'll just slip away.

829
01:00:29,543 --> 01:00:30,668
Don't you believe it.

830
01:00:30,794 --> 01:00:35,131
That's what happens in plays.
In life, going downhill is an uphill job.

831
01:00:36,925 --> 01:00:38,535
How's your mother?

832
01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:42,305
Same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps.

833
01:00:47,894 --> 01:00:49,270
Are you all right?

834
01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:53,717
Me? Yes, why?
I'm just going to the theatre.

835
01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,819
- Not upset about your play?
- No.

836
01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,640
I read a good review the other day.

837
01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:02,158
- I was told they were all good.
- They are, I'm sure.

838
01:01:02,409 --> 01:01:03,769
We enjoyed it.

839
01:01:03,869 --> 01:01:06,980
Though I hadn't realised it was just
going to be you and nobody else.

840
01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,066
Well, yes. It's a monologue.

841
01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:11,000
Yes, I suppose.

842
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:13,502
I'm just amazed how you remember it all.

843
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:17,157
The review I read
was particularly perceptive about you.

844
01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:19,159
Really? Saying what?

845
01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:20,926
That you couldn't make your mind up.

846
01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:23,512
- About what?
- Anything, really.

847
01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:26,432
It meant in a good way!

848
01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:28,142
Thanks.

849
01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:34,341
Actually, I couldn't make it out at all.
What was it about?

850
01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,177
Him, as usual. Not coming clean.

851
01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:40,071
- What about?
- What do you think?

852
01:01:43,283 --> 01:01:47,578
And when I came down again,
she's still sat there, hat and coat on.

853
01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:53,376
She said, "Graham,
my one aim in life is for you to be happy."

854
01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:55,070
And execute 45.

855
01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:57,698
"If I thought that by dying
it would make you happy, I would."

856
01:01:57,798 --> 01:01:58,740
Go.

857
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,242
I said, "Mam,

858
01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:03,719
"your dying wouldn't make me happy.
In fact, the reverse.

859
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,723
"It would make me unhappy.
Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die."

860
01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:11,644
She said, "No, I'm not going to die.

861
01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:16,399
"I'm going to get married.
The honeymoon is in Tenerife.

862
01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:18,526
"Have one of your tablets."

863
01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:33,416
So, for the umpteenth time,
I biked back from the theatre

864
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,835
where I'd been talking about my mother.

865
01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,922
Well, at least I know where my mother is.

866
01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,595
Miss Shepherd.

867
01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:53,477
Miss Shepherd?

868
01:02:59,693 --> 01:03:00,860
I don't like it.

869
01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,779
- So, look in.
- No.

870
01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,350
- Are you scared?
- No.

871
01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:07,517
Not of the body.

872
01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:11,537
Scared this may be the end of the story,
and now I'm going to have to write it.

873
01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:14,957
Still, now she's gone.

874
01:03:15,459 --> 01:03:17,126
I can make it up.

875
01:03:17,461 --> 01:03:20,379
Narrative freedom. Whoopee.

876
01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:24,967
Miss Shepherd.

877
01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:30,014
- Miss Shepherd?
- Go on.

878
01:03:37,439 --> 01:03:40,050
What are you doing? Looking at my things?

879
01:03:40,150 --> 01:03:42,302
I thought you might be ill or dead.

880
01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:44,554
- Dead? Me?
- I was concerned.

881
01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,889
You were nosy!

882
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,057
I haven't seen you. I'm sorry.

883
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,476
I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead.

884
01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:50,743
I'm sorry.

885
01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:54,371
Dead? Me?
I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you.

886
01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:56,165
Dead?

887
01:03:57,167 --> 01:03:59,168
Don't make me laugh.

888
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:05,007
She didn't die then,
and nor did my mother.

889
01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:09,762
But as the years passed,
both of them were beginning to fade.

890
01:04:10,013 --> 01:04:12,999
As you can appreciate,
it's difficult to take a history.

891
01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,419
But I'm right in thinking
she hasn't been a smoker?

892
01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:18,854
- No.
- Not been a smoker, doesn't drink.

893
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,815
All things considered,
a very healthy woman.

894
01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:24,026
You think?

895
01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,372
This is a woman who's broken her hip.

896
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,402
And of course, in someone younger
and in better circumstances,

897
01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:42,545
we'd give them antibiotics.

898
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:46,799
But at your mother's age,
and in her state of mind,

899
01:04:47,551 --> 01:04:50,386
one wonders if this is altogether kind.

900
01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:54,682
And if you don't give her antibiotics,
what will happen?

901
01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:56,642
She may recover.

902
01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,644
Or not.

903
01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,397
She could just sleep away.

904
01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,234
You mustn't reproach yourself.

905
01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:07,820
You've done

906
01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:11,490
more than can be expected.

907
01:05:17,998 --> 01:05:18,998
Thank you.

908
01:05:22,085 --> 01:05:23,419
Mr Bennett.

909
01:05:24,254 --> 01:05:26,088
- Where have you been?
- Seeing my mother.

910
01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,673
How is she?

911
01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:31,010
The same. She doesn't remember me now.

912
01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,179
Well, I'm not surprised.
She doesn't see you very often.

913
01:05:35,265 --> 01:05:37,266
Will you write about me?

914
01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:39,435
I don't know.

915
01:05:40,270 --> 01:05:41,478
She never said this.

916
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:42,771
So?

917
01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:46,650
I've heard you. On the wireless.

918
01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:48,319
Does she know that?

919
01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:51,030
Well, how can she?
She doesn't know who she is.

920
01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:55,618
Yeah, that's what you think.
Using your mother.

921
01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:58,370
You should be ashamed of yourself.

922
01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:00,122
She didn't say this.

923
01:06:00,624 --> 01:06:03,542
No. But why shouldn't she?

924
01:06:04,419 --> 01:06:08,047
You write about her all the time,
one way or another.

925
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:10,033
You use your mother.

926
01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:12,051
That's what writers do.

927
01:06:12,469 --> 01:06:15,429
Me next, I suppose.

928
01:06:15,805 --> 01:06:19,808
Anyway, now you're here,
I need some shopping done.

929
01:06:20,644 --> 01:06:22,879
You ought to go yourself.
You should try and walk more.

930
01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,396
- I do walk.
- I never see you.

931
01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:27,024
Well, that's 'cause you're not around
in the middle of the night.

932
01:06:27,651 --> 01:06:28,984
I want some batteries.

933
01:06:29,611 --> 01:06:30,903
And some sherbet lemons.

934
01:06:31,738 --> 01:06:33,489
- Mr Bennett?
- Yes?

935
01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:38,160
Would you like to push me up the street?

936
01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,955
Not particularly, no.

937
01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,794
This'll do. Turn me 'round.
Turn me 'round!

938
01:07:02,894 --> 01:07:03,894
All right.

939
01:07:16,199 --> 01:07:17,533
Careful!

940
01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:35,884
Are you all right?

941
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:40,055
Yes, I think so.

942
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,375
Would you like me to make you
a cup of coffee?

943
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:43,668
No.

944
01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:47,312
No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble.
I'll just have half a cup.

945
01:07:55,739 --> 01:07:57,531
I have to go to mass.

946
01:07:57,657 --> 01:07:59,742
- Well, you're not fit.
- Here.

947
01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:02,745
It's an anniversary
and a day of obligation.

948
01:08:03,329 --> 01:08:05,315
Who for? A saint?

949
01:08:05,415 --> 01:08:07,416
No. A young man.

950
01:08:08,001 --> 01:08:09,027
Someone you loved?

951
01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,462
No! Certainly not. Just someone I...

952
01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,423
Someone who died.

953
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,926
He'd be in his 50s now.

954
01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:19,412
Was he a Catholic?

955
01:08:19,512 --> 01:08:23,348
Possibly, possibly. Only he's in purgatory.
He needs my prayers.

956
01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:25,184
What was his name?

957
01:08:25,435 --> 01:08:27,770
No, I never bother with names.

958
01:08:29,773 --> 01:08:31,440
The body of Christ.

959
01:08:37,572 --> 01:08:38,572
The body of Christ.

960
01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,536
- Yes?
- I live down the street.

961
01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:46,955
I've seen you.

962
01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,544
It's you that has the van.

963
01:08:52,879 --> 01:08:54,087
Yes.

964
01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:56,173
Difficult woman.

965
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:58,050
A Catholic.

966
01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,303
One of the sisters remembers her.

967
01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:07,476
I've been told she was very argumentative.
Is that why she was made to leave?

968
01:09:08,144 --> 01:09:09,812
Disputatious, she was.

969
01:09:10,230 --> 01:09:13,440
I've had her pointed out to me
on that account, hankering after the piano.

970
01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:14,968
She always thought she was right.

971
01:09:15,068 --> 01:09:17,820
She wasn't right. God is right.
End of story.

972
01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,572
Anyway, what do you want to know for?

973
01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:23,408
- She's ill.
- Who? The woman?

974
01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:27,037
I wondered if there was a nun available
who could talk to her, do her some shopping.

975
01:09:27,664 --> 01:09:29,998
We don't have shopping nuns.

976
01:09:30,333 --> 01:09:32,167
It's a strict order.

977
01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:33,695
I've seen them shopping.

978
01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,463
I saw one yesterday at Marks & Spencer.
She was buying meringues.

979
01:09:37,507 --> 01:09:39,091
The Bishop may have been coming.

980
01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:41,051
Well, does he like meringues?

981
01:09:41,845 --> 01:09:45,999
Who are you, coming 'round,
asking if the Bishop likes meringues?

982
01:09:46,099 --> 01:09:47,349
Are you a communist?

983
01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:50,769
She's ill. She's a Catholic,
and I think she might be dying.

984
01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,064
Well, they can pray for her,
only you'll have to fill in a form.

985
01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:57,442
She'll probably pull her socks up
once your back is turned.

986
01:09:57,569 --> 01:10:01,071
That's been my experience
where invalids are concerned.

987
01:10:02,365 --> 01:10:03,866
This way out!

988
01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:07,536
I don't want you bumping into the sisters.

989
01:10:29,267 --> 01:10:31,643
Another parcel on the path.

990
01:10:33,104 --> 01:10:38,108
If... When I write about all this,
people will say there's too much about shit.

991
01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:44,781
But there was a lot about shit.
Shit was in the forefront.

992
01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:47,393
Caring, which is not a word I like,

993
01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,953
caring is about shit.

994
01:11:06,763 --> 01:11:08,706
- I've talked to Mary.
- Or Margaret.

995
01:11:08,806 --> 01:11:10,140
Or Margaret.

996
01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:12,085
Miss Shepherd, anyway.

997
01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:16,130
She tells me you don't encourage her to get
out and lead a more purposeful life,

998
01:11:16,230 --> 01:11:17,731
and put obstacles in her way.

999
01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,134
I don't encourage her to think
she can become prime minister.

1000
01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,736
I do encourage her
to try and get to the supermarket.

1001
01:11:23,237 --> 01:11:26,558
Yes. A carer will often feel that...

1002
01:11:26,658 --> 01:11:30,744
Excuse me, may I stop you?
Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer.

1003
01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:34,039
I hate caring. I hate the thought.
I hate the word.

1004
01:11:34,374 --> 01:11:39,586
I do not care, and I do not care for.
I am here, she is there. There is no caring.

1005
01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:43,966
Alan, I'm sensing hostility again.

1006
01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:48,553
You see, I'm wondering
whether having cared for Mary,

1007
01:11:48,763 --> 01:11:51,390
as it were, singlehanded
for all these years,

1008
01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:55,686
you don't understandably resent it
when the professionals lend a hand.

1009
01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,130
No, though I resent it

1010
01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,564
when the professionals
turn up every three months or so

1011
01:11:59,774 --> 01:12:01,942
and try to tell me what this woman,

1012
01:12:02,193 --> 01:12:06,363
whom I have coped with on a daily basis
for the past 15 years, is like.

1013
01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:08,573
What is she like?

1014
01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:14,079
Mary, as you call her, is a bigoted,
blinkered, cantankerous, devious,

1015
01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:18,166
unforgiving, self-serving,
rank, rude, car-mad cow.

1016
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,070
Which is to say nothing
of her flying faeces

1017
01:12:21,170 --> 01:12:23,615
and her ability to extrude
from her withered buttocks

1018
01:12:23,715 --> 01:12:26,993
turds of such force that they land
a yard from the back of the van

1019
01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:29,553
and their presumed point of exit.

1020
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,181
Though, of course,
you didn't say any of that.

1021
01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:39,521
People will think
it's because you're too nice.

1022
01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:42,399
It's actually because you're too timid.

1023
01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,652
Yes. Though this being England,
timid is good, too.

1024
01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:50,949
Well, this has been very helpful.

1025
01:12:51,576 --> 01:12:54,077
I'll see about getting her a doctor.

1026
01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:57,581
Is it a man doctor?

1027
01:12:57,832 --> 01:12:58,999
Yes.

1028
01:13:02,754 --> 01:13:07,116
I don't want a man doctor.
Don't they have a woman?

1029
01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:10,510
Sorry. Miss Shepherd,
I only want to take your pulse.

1030
01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,098
- Which hand? Do you have a preference?
- No.

1031
01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:23,440
It's normally cleaner than that.

1032
01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:28,262
Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you
to hospital for a day or so,

1033
01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,696
just to run some tests.

1034
01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:33,283
No, I've always had great faith in onions.

1035
01:13:33,534 --> 01:13:34,701
Yes.

1036
01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,955
But onions can only take you so far,
medically speaking.

1037
01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:45,613
She won't go to hospital.

1038
01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,006
- How do you know?
- Ask her.

1039
01:13:48,633 --> 01:13:51,426
Would she go to the day centre?
She could be looked at there.

1040
01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:53,637
And she could stay for a few days.

1041
01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:55,889
She won't go to the day centre.

1042
01:13:56,140 --> 01:13:57,474
Are you sure?

1043
01:13:57,725 --> 01:13:59,059
Have you asked her?

1044
01:13:59,602 --> 01:14:03,271
She will not go to the day centre. I know.

1045
01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,023
Of course I'll go.

1046
01:14:06,901 --> 01:14:08,652
They won't make me stay in?

1047
01:14:08,820 --> 01:14:11,264
No, they're going to give you a bath
and put you in some clean clothes

1048
01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:12,531
and do some tests.

1049
01:14:12,824 --> 01:14:14,199
Will they leave me to it?

1050
01:14:14,492 --> 01:14:16,326
- Where?
- In the bath.

1051
01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:20,997
I know how to bath myself.
I've won awards for that.

1052
01:14:21,332 --> 01:14:22,483
Yes, I remember.

1053
01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:23,917
- Mr Bennett.
- Yes?

1054
01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:27,712
It won't look
as if I'm being taken away, will it?

1055
01:14:27,839 --> 01:14:29,506
Taken away where?

1056
01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:34,162
Where they take people
because they're not right.

1057
01:14:34,262 --> 01:14:35,595
Do they do that still?

1058
01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:37,848
Well, sometimes,
but you need a lot of signatures.

1059
01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,809
But they pretend things
to get you there sometimes.

1060
01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:45,021
That's the danger with next of kin.
It's one of their tricks.

1061
01:14:46,107 --> 01:14:48,275
They might be pretending
it's a day centre.

1062
01:14:48,693 --> 01:14:50,527
- No.
- Well, I...

1063
01:14:50,778 --> 01:14:53,431
I've been had like that once before.

1064
01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:54,865
Alan.

1065
01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:00,354
Miss Shepherd.

1066
01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:04,875
Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things,
so there may be a bit of a...

1067
01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:07,586
Put your arm around my neck.

1068
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:10,672
There we go.

1069
01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:14,217
I've not gone in for this kind
of thing much.

1070
01:15:14,844 --> 01:15:17,512
I note how, with none of my own distaste,

1071
01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:20,958
the ambulance driver does not hesitate
to touch Miss Shepherd,

1072
01:15:21,058 --> 01:15:24,895
and even puts his arm around her
as he lowers her into the chair.

1073
01:15:28,149 --> 01:15:32,402
I note, too, his careful rearrangement
of her greasy clothing,

1074
01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:37,574
pulling the skirt down over her knees
in the interest of modesty.

1075
01:15:41,245 --> 01:15:43,246
I'm coming back, you know.

1076
01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:45,749
This isn't a toe in the water job.

1077
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,251
Is there anything you'd like us to take
and have us wash?

1078
01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,755
Well, why? Most of my things are clean.

1079
01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:54,174
Not ill, your friend?

1080
01:15:54,342 --> 01:15:56,509
- No.
- Not going?

1081
01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:59,346
Only to the day centre, apparently.

1082
01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:02,432
The children always ask after her.

1083
01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,727
They used to be so frightened of her
when they were young.

1084
01:16:05,937 --> 01:16:09,314
One's in Washington now. The World Bank.

1085
01:16:10,650 --> 01:16:13,276
How long has it been? Ten years?

1086
01:16:13,945 --> 01:16:15,779
- More like 15.
- A lifetime.

1087
01:16:16,280 --> 01:16:18,073
Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett.

1088
01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,355
That social worker wanted to know
my next of kin.

1089
01:16:24,455 --> 01:16:29,334
I don't want my next of kin broadcast,
so I said I didn't have any.

1090
01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:31,461
Only, they're in this envelope.

1091
01:16:31,796 --> 01:16:34,714
And you keep it under your hat.

1092
01:16:35,800 --> 01:16:39,302
Do you know
I was an ambulance driver myself once?

1093
01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,471
During the war.

1094
01:16:41,889 --> 01:16:44,641
I knew Kensington in the blackout.

1095
01:16:44,809 --> 01:16:46,184
Really?

1096
01:16:50,815 --> 01:16:53,024
The chair goes up on a lift.

1097
01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,553
And in this small ascension,

1098
01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:59,307
when she slowly rises
above the level of the garden wall,

1099
01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:01,700
there is a vagabond nobility about her.

1100
01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,996
A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks,

1101
01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:10,667
her grimy face set
in a kind of resigned satisfaction.

1102
01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:15,005
Could we do that again?
I'd like another go.

1103
01:17:15,298 --> 01:17:16,965
When you come back.

1104
01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:45,535
Here we go.

1105
01:17:57,423 --> 01:17:58,715
You smell lovely.

1106
01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:01,160
- You okay?
- Yes.

1107
01:18:01,260 --> 01:18:02,260
Good.

1108
01:18:07,391 --> 01:18:09,726
There. Your M.O.T.

1109
01:18:20,571 --> 01:18:21,988
There you go.

1110
01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:27,535
Hello, Margaret.

1111
01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:52,936
Fourteen years? You must be a saint.

1112
01:18:53,771 --> 01:18:58,274
She's a difficult woman, my sister.
Edith won't have her in the house.

1113
01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,111
I used to help her out when I could.

1114
01:19:01,612 --> 01:19:03,613
It's what Mother would have wanted.

1115
01:19:03,948 --> 01:19:06,116
I'm not a saint, just lazy.

1116
01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:08,701
- I know she was an ambulance driver.
- Yes.

1117
01:19:09,120 --> 01:19:12,872
And she was a nun. Twice over.
Till they got rid of her.

1118
01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,418
Tipped her over the edge.

1119
01:19:17,795 --> 01:19:20,630
She spent some time in an asylum.

1120
01:19:21,674 --> 01:19:22,966
Banstead.

1121
01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,386
Which was my fault.

1122
01:19:26,804 --> 01:19:27,955
No.

1123
01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:29,681
Mind you, she's a difficult woman.

1124
01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:31,474
Such a bully.

1125
01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:34,644
Did she bully you? She bullies me.

1126
01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:36,646
Well, I had her put away.

1127
01:19:37,481 --> 01:19:39,149
Incarcerated.

1128
01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:42,652
Sectioned is what you'd call it today.

1129
01:19:43,154 --> 01:19:44,654
Mind you, she got away from them, too.

1130
01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:47,490
Gave them the slip, ended up in the van.

1131
01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:52,328
Does she still play? Piano?

1132
01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,164
No.

1133
01:19:57,334 --> 01:19:58,918
That is sad.

1134
01:20:00,713 --> 01:20:02,297
Have you heard of Cortot?

1135
01:20:02,423 --> 01:20:05,884
Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist?

1136
01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:09,163
Yes.

1137
01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:12,182
Margaret was his pupil.

1138
01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:15,894
Yeah, she had to go over
to Paris for lessons.

1139
01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,104
It wasn't easy in those days.

1140
01:20:18,355 --> 01:20:23,026
And practise. My word,
she used to practise all day long.

1141
01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:26,029
Well, the nuns put a stop to that.

1142
01:20:27,198 --> 01:20:29,199
Test of obedience.

1143
01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:36,039
I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back,
the music was out. Finished.

1144
01:20:39,543 --> 01:20:42,128
Practising had become praying.

1145
01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:56,476
Played at the Proms once.

1146
01:25:28,999 --> 01:25:30,333
Miss Shepherd?

1147
01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:40,426
Miss Shepherd?

1148
01:25:48,602 --> 01:25:50,603
I just tried to visit you.

1149
01:25:54,024 --> 01:25:56,025
I wasn't stopping there.

1150
01:25:56,360 --> 01:26:01,197
A woman said my face rang a bell.
Was I ever in Banstead?

1151
01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:03,866
And she would not stop.

1152
01:26:04,201 --> 01:26:06,452
They gave me some mince and she said,

1153
01:26:06,703 --> 01:26:09,982
"You'll find the mince here
a step up from the mince in Banstead."

1154
01:26:10,082 --> 01:26:11,666
I don't know about the...

1155
01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:15,753
The mince in Banstead,
or anywhere else, for that matter.

1156
01:26:15,879 --> 01:26:18,464
That's just where they put people
when they're not right.

1157
01:26:19,299 --> 01:26:21,300
Well, you look nice and clean.

1158
01:26:21,802 --> 01:26:24,303
Yeah, well, that'll be the bath.

1159
01:26:24,763 --> 01:26:26,540
They let me do it myself.

1160
01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:30,685
The nurse came and gave me
some finishing touches.

1161
01:26:31,436 --> 01:26:33,646
She said I'd come up a treat.

1162
01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:37,859
I bought you these.

1163
01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,652
Flowers?

1164
01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:42,947
What do I want with flowers?

1165
01:26:43,699 --> 01:26:45,449
They... They only die.

1166
01:26:46,994 --> 01:26:50,121
I've got enough on my plate
without flowers.

1167
01:26:50,831 --> 01:26:52,957
Why, you won't often
have been given flowers.

1168
01:26:55,544 --> 01:26:56,961
Who says?

1169
01:27:00,173 --> 01:27:03,593
I've had bigger flowers than these.

1170
01:27:04,595 --> 01:27:06,512
And with ribbons on.

1171
01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:09,348
These don't compare.

1172
01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:14,770
Music.

1173
01:27:20,819 --> 01:27:24,572
How are people supposed to avoid it?

1174
01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:30,369
You see, I had it at my fingertips.

1175
01:27:31,788 --> 01:27:34,290
I had it in my bones.

1176
01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,503
I could play in the dark.

1177
01:27:41,340 --> 01:27:43,341
Had to sometimes.

1178
01:27:44,343 --> 01:27:46,344
And the keys were

1179
01:27:48,055 --> 01:27:49,680
like rooms.

1180
01:27:51,934 --> 01:27:55,311
C major and D minor.

1181
01:27:56,521 --> 01:28:00,066
Dark rooms and light rooms.

1182
01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:04,820
Just like a mansion

1183
01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:07,990
to me, music.

1184
01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:13,204
Only it worried me,

1185
01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:18,042
that playing came easier than praying.

1186
01:28:18,377 --> 01:28:19,669
And I...

1187
01:28:20,295 --> 01:28:23,714
I said this, which may have been an error.

1188
01:28:26,385 --> 01:28:28,052
Said it to whom?

1189
01:28:31,682 --> 01:28:33,307
My confessor.

1190
01:28:34,851 --> 01:28:36,185
He said

1191
01:28:36,979 --> 01:28:40,606
that was another vent
the devil could creep through.

1192
01:28:43,402 --> 01:28:45,987
So, he outlawed the piano.

1193
01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:48,489
Put paid to music generally.

1194
01:28:51,368 --> 01:28:54,412
Said dividends would accrue in terms of

1195
01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:57,707
growth of the spirit.

1196
01:28:59,751 --> 01:29:02,086
Which they did.

1197
01:29:04,256 --> 01:29:05,589
They did.

1198
01:29:16,226 --> 01:29:17,643
How's your mother?

1199
01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:21,272
The same.

1200
01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:23,383
Still in the coma?

1201
01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:24,483
No.

1202
01:29:25,569 --> 01:29:28,347
She's just getting a bit of shut-eye.

1203
01:29:28,447 --> 01:29:29,905
People do.

1204
01:29:32,367 --> 01:29:33,769
Well, good night.

1205
01:29:33,869 --> 01:29:34,910
Mr Bennett?

1206
01:29:39,791 --> 01:29:41,584
Hold my hand.

1207
01:29:43,462 --> 01:29:45,296
It's clean.

1208
01:30:17,704 --> 01:30:23,334
So much of what this woman's life had been,
I found out only after her death.

1209
01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:25,570
So, to tell her story,
I have occasionally had to invent,

1210
01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:27,838
So, to tell her story,
I have occasionally had to invent,

1211
01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:30,925
though much of it one could not make up.

1212
01:30:31,426 --> 01:30:36,097
And I do not make it up when I say
that it was on the morning after this talk,

1213
01:30:36,348 --> 01:30:39,183
when she lay in the van
with her hair washed,

1214
01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,422
that on that same morning
comes the social worker into the garden,

1215
01:30:43,522 --> 01:30:49,110
bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment
and knocks on the door of the van.

1216
01:31:24,688 --> 01:31:26,856
It is a van no longer.

1217
01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:29,024
It is a sepulchre.

1218
01:31:31,903 --> 01:31:33,737
Can I use your phone?

1219
01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,031
Yes. Yes, of course.

1220
01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:50,045
Even now, I do not venture
into this evil-smelling tomb.

1221
01:31:50,755 --> 01:31:55,843
But I feel cheated that the discovery
of the body has not actually been mine

1222
01:31:56,136 --> 01:31:59,388
and that having observed so much
for so long,

1223
01:31:59,848 --> 01:32:02,266
I am not the first to witness her death.

1224
01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,644
Now, in quick succession,

1225
01:32:05,854 --> 01:32:10,149
come the doctor,
the priest and men from the undertaker's

1226
01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:14,778
all of whom do what no one else has done
for 20 years.

1227
01:32:15,780 --> 01:32:18,517
Namely, without pause

1228
01:32:18,617 --> 01:32:23,495
and seemingly without distaste,
step inside the van.

1229
01:32:25,707 --> 01:32:28,876
Lord grant her everlasting rest

1230
01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:32,588
and let perpetual light shine upon her.

1231
01:32:33,298 --> 01:32:36,634
Present her to God the Most High.

1232
01:32:44,309 --> 01:32:46,810
She's gone, then, the lady.

1233
01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:50,981
He'll know. She'll have told him.

1234
01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:54,818
Only they got to keep mum, vicars.

1235
01:32:55,237 --> 01:32:58,364
No helping the police
with their enquiries.

1236
01:32:59,157 --> 01:33:00,976
Did you know she was on the run?

1237
01:33:01,076 --> 01:33:02,159
Miss Shepherd?

1238
01:33:02,827 --> 01:33:05,287
Miss whatever you call her, yeah.

1239
01:33:05,664 --> 01:33:07,732
Stationary at a junction,

1240
01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:10,960
a young lad on a motorbike
comes 'round a corner too fast

1241
01:33:12,003 --> 01:33:14,421
and smashes into her vehicle.

1242
01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,548
Not her fault.

1243
01:33:16,675 --> 01:33:20,678
Only here's a dead boy on the road
who she thinks she's killed.

1244
01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:25,083
Does she call the police?
Flag down a fellow motorist? No.

1245
01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,976
She clears off pronto.

1246
01:33:27,269 --> 01:33:30,771
Thereby putting herself
on the wrong side of the law.

1247
01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:33,148
So, you blackmailed her.

1248
01:33:33,525 --> 01:33:35,776
I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett.

1249
01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:39,613
Retired, of course.
We don't do things like that.

1250
01:33:49,541 --> 01:33:52,543
Well, it's a cut above
her previous vehicle.

1251
01:33:54,421 --> 01:33:59,383
All those years, stood on my doorstep,
she was outside the law.

1252
01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:04,430
A life, this is what I keep thinking,

1253
01:34:04,723 --> 01:34:08,183
a life beside which mine is just dull.

1254
01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:23,490
Left to my own thoughts at the graveside,
one of the undertaker's men takes the eye.

1255
01:34:23,908 --> 01:34:28,370
Not an occupation one drifts into,
I imagine, undertaking.

1256
01:34:29,205 --> 01:34:31,566
Mr Bennett. Excuse me.

1257
01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,585
I'm supposed to be the centrepiece here.

1258
01:34:34,794 --> 01:34:37,504
But I'm forgetting
that the dead know everything.

1259
01:34:37,756 --> 01:34:42,760
You should be fighting back the tears,
not eyeing up the talent.

1260
01:34:44,387 --> 01:34:45,580
Well, it's a thought.

1261
01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:46,957
She's dead now.

1262
01:34:47,057 --> 01:34:48,500
I can do what I want with her.

1263
01:34:48,600 --> 01:34:51,435
Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free!

1264
01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:53,270
Hello.

1265
01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:57,399
There are two of you now.
Is that because you're in two minds?

1266
01:34:57,525 --> 01:34:58,525
- Yes.
- No.

1267
01:34:58,777 --> 01:35:00,486
Where are you going, Miss Shepherd?

1268
01:35:01,279 --> 01:35:05,850
I was wondering, would either of you object
if the van became a place of pilgrimage?

1269
01:35:05,950 --> 01:35:08,520
- No.
- I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going.

1270
01:35:08,620 --> 01:35:12,440
Healing could take place, and any proceeds
could go towards the nuns.

1271
01:35:12,540 --> 01:35:14,359
The nuns?
What did the nuns ever do for you?

1272
01:35:14,459 --> 01:35:17,195
Well, not much,
but when the donations start rolling in

1273
01:35:17,295 --> 01:35:19,948
they'll realise
what a catch I would have been.

1274
01:35:20,048 --> 01:35:22,633
It was the same with Saint Bernadette.

1275
01:35:22,801 --> 01:35:26,095
They didn't realise with her
until it was too late.

1276
01:35:27,555 --> 01:35:30,641
This way.
There's someone I want you to meet.

1277
01:35:31,976 --> 01:35:33,962
That's something you could do.

1278
01:35:34,062 --> 01:35:39,149
This thing you're trying to write,
well, you could pump it up a bit.

1279
01:35:39,567 --> 01:35:41,761
If it were on the lines of
The Song of Bernadette,

1280
01:35:41,861 --> 01:35:43,821
it would make you a packet.

1281
01:35:44,114 --> 01:35:47,241
I mean, why? Why did you just let me die?

1282
01:35:47,826 --> 01:35:50,244
I'd like to go up into heaven.

1283
01:35:50,662 --> 01:35:53,288
An ascension, possibly.

1284
01:35:53,665 --> 01:35:55,499
A transfiguration.

1285
01:35:55,708 --> 01:35:57,235
That's not really my kind of thing.

1286
01:35:57,335 --> 01:35:58,877
There you are.

1287
01:35:59,796 --> 01:36:01,489
This is my new friend.

1288
01:36:01,589 --> 01:36:02,907
- Hello.
- Hello.

1289
01:36:03,007 --> 01:36:05,410
It's the young man
who crashed into the van.

1290
01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,552
Hi.

1291
01:36:06,678 --> 01:36:08,512
I thought it was me that killed him.

1292
01:36:08,763 --> 01:36:10,915
Turns out it was his own fault.

1293
01:36:11,015 --> 01:36:14,935
So, one way and another,
we've got heaps to talk about.

1294
01:36:15,728 --> 01:36:17,020
Goodbye.

1295
01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,299
Mr Bennett?

1296
01:36:19,399 --> 01:36:20,691
Yes.

1297
01:36:20,984 --> 01:36:24,027
I came into your drive for three months

1298
01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:28,991
and I stayed for 15 years!

1299
01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:32,202
- Mr Bennett?
- Yes?

1300
01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:35,038
- Do you know what that is?
- No.

1301
01:36:35,707 --> 01:36:38,292
It's the last laugh.

1302
01:36:45,133 --> 01:36:48,051
Well, she wanted an ascension.

1303
01:36:50,221 --> 01:36:52,222
Let's answer her prayers.

1304
01:36:54,350 --> 01:36:57,519
Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd,

1305
01:36:58,188 --> 01:37:00,647
late of 23 Gloucester Crescent.

1306
01:37:03,902 --> 01:37:05,277
Up you go.

1307
01:37:20,335 --> 01:37:23,587
Starting out as someone
incidental to my life,

1308
01:37:24,422 --> 01:37:30,260
she remained on the edge of it so long,
she became not incidental to it at all.

1309
01:37:30,929 --> 01:37:34,707
As homebound sons and daughters
looking after their parents

1310
01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:39,311
think of it as just marking time
before their lives start,

1311
01:37:39,938 --> 01:37:45,275
so, like them, I learned there is
no such thing as marking time

1312
01:37:46,277 --> 01:37:48,487
and that time marks you.

1313
01:37:49,614 --> 01:37:53,768
In accommodating her
and accommodating to her,

1314
01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,204
I find 20 years of my life has gone.

1315
01:38:00,291 --> 01:38:03,945
This broken-down old woman, her delusions,

1316
01:38:04,045 --> 01:38:09,132
and the slow abridgement of her life,
with all its vehicular permutations,

1317
01:38:10,051 --> 01:38:12,970
these have been given to me to record

1318
01:38:13,137 --> 01:38:17,516
as others record journeys
across Afghanistan or Patagonia

1319
01:38:18,893 --> 01:38:21,270
or the thighs of a dozen women.

1320
01:38:21,896 --> 01:38:24,481
You wanted me to make things happen.

1321
01:38:25,316 --> 01:38:29,653
And I never have much,
but it doesn't matter.

1322
01:38:30,989 --> 01:38:33,490
Because what I've learnt,

1323
01:38:33,992 --> 01:38:39,037
and maybe she taught me, is that
you don't put yourself into what you write.

1324
01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:41,790
You find yourself there.

1325
01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:43,902
I never wanted to write about her.

1326
01:38:44,002 --> 01:38:47,129
If there'd been a bit more in your life,
I wouldn't have had to.

1327
01:38:48,673 --> 01:38:50,340
Maybe I will now.

1328
01:38:51,342 --> 01:38:52,467
What?

1329
01:38:53,678 --> 01:38:55,762
Have a bit more in my life.

1330
01:38:56,014 --> 01:38:57,957
I might even start living.

1331
01:38:58,057 --> 01:38:59,391
Good day?

1332
01:38:59,601 --> 01:39:01,143
Not bad. You?

1333
01:39:02,020 --> 01:39:03,395
These came.

1334
01:39:05,523 --> 01:39:06,857
Very good.

1335
01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:09,443
- Coming down?
- All right.

1336
01:39:10,570 --> 01:39:12,738
That's the end of the story.

1337
01:39:13,364 --> 01:39:15,225
It might make a play.

1338
01:39:15,325 --> 01:39:16,867
What do you think?

1339
01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:20,954
Now I'm here, I think you should
stop talking to yourself.

1340
01:39:36,929 --> 01:39:37,971
Hi.

1341
01:39:38,556 --> 01:39:39,890
Hi, Alan.

1342
01:39:40,642 --> 01:39:43,727
Okay, nice and quiet, please. Here we go.
And let's turn over.

1343
01:39:45,355 --> 01:39:47,064
- B.
- Mark it.

1344
01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:48,732
Okay, take 14.

1345
01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,861
And, action!

1346
01:39:53,946 --> 01:39:57,517
Gloucester Crescent
has had many notable residents,

1347
01:39:57,617 --> 01:40:02,480
but none odder or more remarkable
than Miss Mary Shepherd,

1348
01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:06,249
to whom we dedicate
this blue plaque today.