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Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET
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Once upon a time...
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not so long ago...
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Ah!
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This is the story of me.
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Jack.
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There I am, absolutely shitting it.
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I'd been carrying a carving knife
with me for three weeks
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due to an irrational fear
of being murdered.
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I couldn't sleep at night.
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As soon as I got into bed,
I started seeing killers.
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These killers were the subject
of a series of plays
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I had been writing for television.
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The nature of the project
necessitated research
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into heinous Victorian criminals.
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And I had unwittingly familiarized
myself with all the famous hackers,
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dosers and severers
of the 19th century.
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Faces that would've
frightened the Ripper.
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Many a long night I spent there,
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drenched in thoughts
of bloody murder.
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I became particularly disturbed
by a man I called The Hendon Ogre.
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A maniac from North London who had
boiled the arsenic out of fly papers
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and introduced the result
into his lodger's broth.
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I'd lie awake for hours,
thinking of the brute,
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terrified someone was slipping
arsenic into my diet.
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In the mornings, I'd inspect
grapefruit and milk bottle tops
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looking for evidence of interference
with syringes.
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Trivial events became vital clues
in the detection of my assassin.
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If the telephone rang at half past
four, I'd look at the clock and say,
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"it was half past four when the
telephone rang that fateful evening.
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"How could anyone
have known at the time
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"how important that telephone call
was to become?"
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My situation became unbearable.
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I suspected everyone and everything.
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Innocent passersby.
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Creeks in the corridor.
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Bumps in the night got so bad,
I started plugging my head shut.
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But I'd soon have to get up and
check for killers in the bathroom,
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in the kitchen...
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in the fridge,
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or in the hallway,
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where they kept a low profile,
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crawling about in the shadows,
lurking behind creaky doors.
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Ah!
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Bloody windows, bloody draughts.
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Oh, God, come on.
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Argh!
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This fear that I would be murdered
all began sometime before.
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At lunch, to be exact.
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The day I saw my literary agent...
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- Newspaper?
- .. Clair De Grunwald.
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- Thanks.
- No problem.
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She'd arranged to meet me at
a respectable establishment in Soho.
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You like newspaper?
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- Shall I bring sir the wine list?
- Yes. Okay.
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Pleasure.
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"The body was found
in the East End of London,
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"but the Hanoi Handshake
is the unmistakable calling card
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"of a Vietnamese gang killing.
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"According to one unnamed
police source
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"downtown Hackney,
also known as Little Vietnam
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"is now a bloody jungle...
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"of organized crime.
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"The missing fingers have yet
to be found."
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Newspaper?
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- Whoa, hey, no...
- Sir.
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- No, it... Please...
- Jack?
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- Clair.
- Under the table already?
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It's not even 12:00.
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- No, I...
- I'm sorry.
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I'm afraid I only have an hour.
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I've got to go
meet Ragsie Lawrence.
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Remember Ragsie?
The dancing dyke?
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She's just been made
commissioning editor at the BBC.
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Can you believe it?
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Never underestimate a hunchback,
that's what I say.
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- Are you staying there all lunch?
- No, sorry.
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Anyway...
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It's good timing. I can tell her
how busy you are with your murders.
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- Up to my elbows.
- Good.
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- Do you have a title?
- "Decades of Death".
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- Chilling.
- Well, if you want murder...
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...then Victorian Britain
is the golden age.
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I think murder's lost its sense
of theatre. What do we have now?
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- It's just like kids...
- Mindless violence?
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Exactly. Yes. Killers don't put any
thought into their murders anymore.
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- Have you heard of Long Ear?
- Can't say I have, no.
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Terrifying Polish plumber
who hacked off a Frenchman's head.
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Disposed of the limbs, but couldn't
think of what to do with the head.
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Eventually he utilized
his gas-fired crucible
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filled the mouth with lead,
slung the thing in the river.
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Can you imagine?
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I'm sorry, sir. This is a non-smoking
restaurant. Thank you.
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- Are you ready to order, madam?
- Do you know what you're having?
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I'll just have a beer.
I'm not very hungry.
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- One beer.
- This is my treat, darling.
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Well, then I will have the chicory
salad with asparagus croutons,
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chorizo and poached egg to start.
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Followed by the salmon
and leek fish cake
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with mushy peas, chips
and chive cream. Thank you. Lovely.
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People love a good murder.
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I began to tell Clair about
my good friend Professor Friedkin,
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author of an influential paper
on the criminal stare,
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an ocular condition
that instantly identified a madman.
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Monsieur?
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Jack?
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Jack? Jack?
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Jack?
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- Jack?
- Yes. Sorry.
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- Are you all right?
- Yes.
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Yes. I'm sorry.
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- What was I talking about?
- The book.
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- The criminal stare.
- Oh, yes, yes. the criminal stare.
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Yeah. I found... I've trawled through
hundreds of these photographs and...
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Um, when you kill someone,
when you take a life,
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you acquire these awful eyes,
you know, like a shark or a chicken.
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- How frightful.
- But it's not just a horror show.
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I've realised that's not the reason
I have to write this.
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No, it's a detective story, you see,
about how they become killers.
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How do they get there? What fills
them with need to victimize and kill?
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- Why choose mass murder?
- Why not become a writer?
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Well, actually, writers
and serial killers are very similar.
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They're practically brothers.
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Hemingway says,
“What do you need to become a writer?
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"An unhappy childhood." It's
the same thing with serial killers.
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Whatever happened to the hedgehog?
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- What?
- He had to cross the road...
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...and go into the woods,
but he was afraid.
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- Harold the Hedgehog?
- Harold the Hedgehog.
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Dear little chap.
Whatever happened to that story?
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- You never finished him.
- He nearly finished me.
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He wrecked my marriage,
prickly cunt.
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No, he did, Clair.
I'm sorry, the stress of it.
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Drove Catherine out of my life.
What do you wanna talk about him for?
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00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,367
Darling, I'm just thinking you need
to earn some money, that's all.
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This death thing could take a while.
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00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,872
Timmy the Tortoise can't
pay the bills.
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I don't want him to. I didn't mean
to become a children's author.
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- It was a terrible accident.
- It was your destiny.
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00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:34,213
Look, why not rattle off
a little bedtime story, mm?
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00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,303
- Timmy goes to the seaside perhaps?
- Oh, God.
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Or Harold. How did it start?
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"Once upon a time,
there was a hedgehog called Harold
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"Who lived in a bush."
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Or Little Johnny Rabbit.
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The world is dying
for another Little Johnny Rabbit.
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Little Johnny Rabbit is dead.
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00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,414
So is Timmy,
so is the fucking hedgehog.
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They're lying in the road,
covered in blood. I killed them.
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Tell that to the kids.
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Darling, we're going
to make this work.
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Just try not to worry too much,
and take care of yourself.
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You know me better
than anyone, Clair.
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Yes, I do. You're a workaholic
and you're sensitive.
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I don't wanna see you go over
the edge like what's-his-name.
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Clair's concerns about me
proved justified.
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Three weeks on and Long Ear's head
was playing on my mind.
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Life was hellish,
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but it was just about to get
a hell of a lot worse.
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Come on then, you bastards!
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Aaaaaargh!
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My knife.
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Ah!
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You mad bastard.
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Argh!
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Oh, God.
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Oh, I got an hour.
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The flying eye
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Oh, someone's on the loose.
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It was 5:00 when the telephone rang
that fateful evening.
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Shit, I could...
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00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,720
Hello?
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00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,229
Happy Christmas.
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00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,265
Happy Christmas.
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00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,694
- What do you want?
- We're singing carols.
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Yeah, I can see that.
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Well, ain't you gonna come out
and hear us then, bruv?
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No, I can hear you perfectly well
from up here. Thank you.
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We've been out for ages
and no one's given us nuffink yet.
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00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:58,253
Well, honestly, I think you should
perhaps work on your repertoire.
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- Our what?
- Sorry I can't help you. Good night.
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00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:04,967
But it's for Save the Children.
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00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,922
Kids who ain't got no food,
Nintendo or nothing, bruv.
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All right, all right. Wait there.
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- I'm coming down.
- Yes.
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You gonna open up this door, then,
or what, bruv?
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00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,114
Um, I tell you what I'm gonna do.
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I'm gonna put some loose change
into this sock
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and then I'm gonna feed it
through the letter box.
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00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,301
- Did you get that?
- Is it clean?
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00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,878
- Is it what?
- Is it clean?
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00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,633
Is the sock clean, bruv?
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00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:54,308
Well, it's not box fresh,
if that's what you mean.
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00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,476
Do you want this money or not?
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00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,647
Oh, God.
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00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,358
Who are you?
197
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,401
- You there?
- Yes. Yes.
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00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:08,197
I just... Stand back, okay?
Stand back.
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00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,652
Christ, can't you see I'm not in?
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00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,326
Er...
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00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:18,287
Okay. Get ready.
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00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,789
I'm opening my flap.
203
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,256
Here it comes. Gently does it.
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00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,424
Gently.
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00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:30,928
God in heaven, will you just fuck off
and give me some peace?
206
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:34,591
Hey, wait. Just come back!
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00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,182
Oi! What about my sock?
You little thieving, you...
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00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,357
You... you did this.
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00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,902
You wanna hear my voice,
you sick fuck?
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Hear this.
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00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,274
- Hello?
- Jack, it's Clair.
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00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,987
Hello?
213
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,115
- Jack, it's Clair.
- Clair.
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00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,573
Why haven't you been answering?
I've been calling for hours.
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00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,618
- I thought you were a wrong number.
- Well, listen.
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00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:06,332
I've just had a very excited man
on the phone.
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00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,341
- Have you?
- Yes. He's read your treatment...
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00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:13,505
...for "Decades of Death"
and he's very excited by your ideas.
219
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,307
He wants to meet you tonight
at eight o'clock.
220
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,092
Oh.
221
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,308
- I see. Eight o'clock?
- He's off to New York tomorrow.
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00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:25,100
- It's imperative you see him.
- Why is it imperative?
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00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,519
Because he's Harvey Humphries.
224
00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:30,780
- Harvey Humphries? Who's he?
- Head of scripts.
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Clair, look, can I see him
when he comes back from New York?
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00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,828
Because I've not been sleeping
very well and...
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00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:42,117
Jack, he's genuinely excited.
The arrangements have all been made.
228
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,287
Tonight, eight o'clock,
100 Humbolt Mews.
229
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:50,921
100 Humbolt Mews, eight...
230
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,257
- That's in one hour and 47 minutes.
- Wear a suit, please.
231
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,673
- I don't have any suits.
- Wear a clean shirt.
232
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,467
They're all dirty.
I'm down to my last sock.
233
00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,428
Then you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
234
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:05,389
What? A launderette?
Are you serious?
235
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,229
I am. What's the problem?
236
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:11,988
It's just...
You're asking a lot, Clair, okay?
237
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:15,275
I don't do launderettes.
Never have done, never will.
238
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,114
It's no place for a man like me.
239
00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:20,538
Exposing your most intimate articles
in front of strangers.
240
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:24,917
- Stop it, you're being ridiculous.
- You know me, Clair. I'm sensitive.
241
00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:28,420
- I've never even bought toilet roll.
- All right, enough.
242
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:33,043
Jack, I've worked very hard getting
your script to the right people
243
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:36,088
and I'm afraid there's no interest.
244
00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:40,383
I said nothing because I didn't want
to disturb you. That's the reality.
245
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,222
I can't see any other options.
246
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,978
It's Humphries or bust.
247
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,980
- I understand.
- Good.
248
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,440
Call and let me know
how it goes, darling.
249
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:09,538
And so it was that I first came
to hear the name Harvey Humphries.
250
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:12,749
I had sat in every head of scripts
department in London,
251
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:16,089
listening to these twats
full of white wine and arugula,
252
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,300
but I had never heard of this man.
253
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:21,758
"Harvey Humphries
of Humbolt Mews."
254
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,219
I didn't like the sound of it.
255
00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:28,435
The name seemed innocent enough,
but there was something that jarred.
256
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:32,394
It might be the "Harvey Humphries
Humbolt" bit that was worrying me.
257
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,354
But I had a friend,
Garry Gordon in Garrick Street.
258
00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:37,565
And he'd never caused me
any problem.
259
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,366
No.
260
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:42,949
It was something stronger
than just a repetition of the H.
261
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:46,207
It was more a sensation of having
heard Harvey Humphries
262
00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:50,037
in some unsavory context.
263
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,214
Harvey.
264
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:57,092
It was the Harvey.
265
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:10,640
Harvey was the middle name
of Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen,
266
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:13,567
the Yank Who'd spent all night
in the basement
267
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:18,568
of 39 Hilldrop Crescent,
N5 separating his wife.
268
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,442
He'd done her in lime.
269
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,736
Crippen had come from America.
270
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,447
Humphries was going
to America within hours
271
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,582
of completing his business
with me.
272
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:32,253
Was Humphries related to Crippen?
273
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:36,503
Far-fetched as it might seem
to others, it was not impossible.
274
00:23:36,707 --> 00:23:39,176
Crippen was an American. Yes.
275
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,753
And so was Humphries.
276
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:44,591
Surely it was more than a coincidence
that a man going to America
277
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:47,722
should be excited by a title
like "Decades of Death"
278
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:52,728
and have the middle name of one of
the most famous killers of the lot.
279
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,977
No.
280
00:23:57,895 --> 00:23:59,363
No, no, no.
281
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:04,410
Facts like that are beyond the realm
of coincidence.
282
00:24:28,509 --> 00:24:31,103
Hello? Who's there?
283
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,263
Speak up, I can't hear you.
284
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,273
Oh, no. Clair's not here just now.
285
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:41,151
This is Irene.
286
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,690
You want what?
287
00:24:42,898 --> 00:24:46,198
Harvey Humphries. Do you know
of a man called Harvey Humphries?
288
00:24:46,402 --> 00:24:48,575
Think carefully
before you answer, please.
289
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:53,751
- A man's life may be at stake.
- Oh, I'll have to think about this.
290
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,708
Er, hold on a minute, love. Now...
291
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:59,669
Can you tell her to call Jack back
regarding Harvey?
292
00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:01,960
Tell her it's
a matter of life and death.
293
00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:04,470
- Life and death?
- Yes. Tell her that exactly.
294
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,131
- Thank you.
- Right. Will do, dear.
295
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,341
Okay, okay. Be rational, be rational.
296
00:25:09,550 --> 00:25:13,225
Clair was not in her office, so she
must've telephoned you from home.
297
00:25:13,429 --> 00:25:15,648
But as you don't have
her private number
298
00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:19,273
and she's ex-directory,
there's no way you can call her back.
299
00:25:19,435 --> 00:25:22,564
I have to trust it was Clair,
and that she meant no malice.
300
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:25,399
After all, she has no reason
to wish me any harm.
301
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,821
She had no way of knowing
a man related to a murderer.
302
00:25:29,987 --> 00:25:33,332
Only a highly suspicious,
paranoid cynic...
303
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:36,832
Or someone like me,
with an eye for clues and patterns
304
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:38,879
could possibly connect the dots.
305
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:42,959
Could see the truth staring him
in the face.
306
00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:47,217
That Harvey Humphries is in fact
Hawley Harvey Crippen's grandson.
307
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,131
No more questions, Your Honor.
308
00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:51,517
Ah!
309
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,644
Right. That does it.
310
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,271
Where's the superglue?
311
00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:03,730
Right. You've done nothing
but terrorise me for weeks.
312
00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,905
And I've had enough. I've had enough.
313
00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:08,568
Take that, and that, and that,
and that.
314
00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:12,622
Take that, take this, take this.
315
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,372
Take that.
You didn't expect that, did you?
316
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:20,750
Well, expect the unexpected, mate.
317
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:30,380
God, that's quick.
318
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:47,940
Hello? Anyone home?
319
00:26:50,067 --> 00:26:52,069
Yes? Hello?
320
00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:54,989
Are you the gentleman in Flat 3?
321
00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:56,540
Who is this?
322
00:26:56,740 --> 00:27:00,290
Community Support
Police Officer Perkins, sir.
323
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,248
Good evening. How can I help you?
324
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:06,713
Oh, no cause for alarm.
Just a routine call, sir.
325
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:12,632
Some of the kids over on the estate
said you might be in some distress.
326
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:18,262
How interesting.
327
00:27:18,428 --> 00:27:21,853
And what might I be
distressed about?
328
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,980
Well, I have no idea, sir.
329
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,562
Are you in any distress?
330
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:30,107
No, I'm fine. I'm about to do some
washing and then go to bed.
331
00:27:30,274 --> 00:27:32,493
Oh, well. Just so you know,
332
00:27:32,693 --> 00:27:36,573
we're out on the beat
if you ever need assistance.
333
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,991
I'm just across the road.
334
00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:43,337
Jesus Christ.
335
00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:47,041
Sorry, sir, sorry. Sorry.
I was just checking you were...
336
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,585
Yeah, well,
I'm very sorry to bother you, sir.
337
00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:52,512
Er, I'll let you get back
to your laundry.
338
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:56,178
Policeman, my ass.
339
00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,094
He was looking for something.
340
00:27:59,887 --> 00:28:01,855
What was he up to?
341
00:28:02,556 --> 00:28:03,933
Jesus, nowhere's safe.
342
00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:08,612
Okay, Humphries, you want my script?
You can have it.
343
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,190
If it means I finally get paid
decent money
344
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,734
and get out of Hackney, you're on.
345
00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:16,120
Right. Where's my wardrobe?
346
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:19,248
I'll show you, Clair,
I'll show you, Catherine,
347
00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:21,784
exactly what I am capable of. Oh!
348
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,453
Jesus Christ.
349
00:28:26,288 --> 00:28:30,714
God. These aren't clothes,
this is refuse.
350
00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:34,005
I might as well take it
and dig it in around the roses.
351
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:38,096
I'd do anything for a break
right now, but not the launderette.
352
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,262
Not for Humphries,
not for any other man.
353
00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:45,441
Why should I?
I've got everything I need here.
354
00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:49,441
I've got water, I've got soap,
I've got drying facilities.
355
00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,067
I can do this, Jack.
356
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,571
No more sleepless nights,
no more scuttling around in the dark.
357
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:57,953
We'll meet this monster head-on.
Well-armed and well-dressed.
358
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:03,042
A quick thrash in the tub for you,
my lovelies, then into the drier.
359
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,834
Right. A good 15 minutes
on regular nine for the socks,
360
00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:11,588
five minutes less for the pants,
and we'll play the shirt by ear.
361
00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:13,297
Now, that's cooking with gas.
362
00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:26,227
Here's how to play it. When you get
to the meeting, refuse to sit down.
363
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,560
Refuse all drinks and cigarettes.
Certainly all food.
364
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:31,520
The meeting will be standing up.
365
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:34,902
And if he leaves the room
to make a call, you go with him.
366
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,324
I'll have a pretext for everything.
367
00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:49,164
I could take an apple or an onion
into the meeting.
368
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,714
Yeah, that'd work.
369
00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:54,964
I could use it as a circumstance
to show him my carving knife.
370
00:29:58,297 --> 00:30:00,516
Ah! Ah!
371
00:30:00,674 --> 00:30:02,893
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
372
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,053
Argh!
373
00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:30,875
Come on. Come on, come on.
374
00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:37,761
AOW!
375
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:40,217
Fuck. What the fuck
am I supposed to do now?
376
00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,016
Cut my fucking hand off?
377
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:48,476
That's correct, officer.
378
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:52,142
When I saw the knife, I simply
defended myself with the ice pick.
379
00:30:52,309 --> 00:30:55,563
I have no idea how the pick got stuck
in the back of his neck.
380
00:30:55,729 --> 00:31:00,030
I put him in the bathtub because the
blood was staining my Persian carpet.
381
00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,194
Oh!
382
00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,252
Argh!
383
00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,790
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
384
00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:16,458
Oh! Oh!
385
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:35,110
I'm not dead yet, you bastards.
386
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:41,279
Come on, Jack,
we can still do this.
387
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:43,239
Against the odds,
we can beat them.
388
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:46,702
Now, as I remember, this thing
has some seriously deep pockets.
389
00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,867
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can hide a knife in there.
390
00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,918
That's like Loch Ness in there.
391
00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:55,123
You could hide a whole submarine
in there if you wanna.
392
00:31:55,288 --> 00:31:58,007
I'll just keep my coat on.
My hand on my ha'penny.
393
00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:01,132
Okay, don't let this guy
psyche you out, all right?
394
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,384
You're a writer, Jack, remember?
395
00:32:03,547 --> 00:32:08,474
You can just outwit
this two-bit Hollywood gangster.
396
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,057
Gangster?
397
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:14,768
Say she didn't throw it away.
Please, please, please.
398
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,652
Be in here. Be in here, be in here.
399
00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:20,155
Where are you? Where are you?
400
00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:26,745
"Uzilicious". My definitive
gangsta rap compilation.
401
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:29,289
Yeah, yeah.
402
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:33,084
I remember I wooed Catherine
with this shit.
403
00:32:33,243 --> 00:32:35,211
Hope it still works.
404
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:43,261
Good times, old friend. Good times.
405
00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:47,641
If you can get me through college,
you can get me through anything.
406
00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:00,688
I drop a old-school beat.
407
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,487
Yeah, yeah.
408
00:33:08,778 --> 00:33:10,997
Yeah, you wanna read
my script, bitch?
409
00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:14,042
You wanna polish my script?
You wanna polish my script?
410
00:33:14,201 --> 00:33:15,669
Is that what you're saying?
411
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:18,546
What's up, bitch?
You wanna polish my script?
412
00:33:18,747 --> 00:33:21,717
Oh, sure. Polish this, motherfucker.
413
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,059
I'm gonna step up to a man
called Humphries
414
00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:33,266
Wipe that shit up
just like cream cheese
415
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,681
Up all night, y'all,
workin' the mic, y'all
416
00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:38,392
Smoking my pipe, y'all,
motherfucker
417
00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:40,560
Catherine,
this jam goes out to you.
418
00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:42,400
It's real, true dat from the heart.
419
00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,606
I just wanna say you're my girl.
420
00:33:44,814 --> 00:33:46,441
- Shut up.
- And I love you.
421
00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:48,030
Fuck.
422
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:55,121
Who are you trying to fool, Jack?
You're not a G-man, you're a tit.
423
00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:01,957
What's that smell?
424
00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:05,844
Smells like burning garbage.
425
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:13,476
No! Not the socks!
Not the socks!
426
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,814
Argh! Damn it!
427
00:34:19,641 --> 00:34:21,860
Oh!
428
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:25,067
Oh! Oh, my eyes!
429
00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:31,612
Ah, ah.
430
00:34:31,778 --> 00:34:34,156
Oh, God, the pants have gone up.
431
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:39,335
And you'll have to go
to the launderette, won't you?
432
00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:43,128
- A launderette, are you serious?
- Of course I am.
433
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:45,959
You'll have to go to the launderette,
won't you?
434
00:34:46,126 --> 00:34:48,504
You'll have to go
to the launderette.
435
00:34:48,670 --> 00:34:50,138
Argh!
436
00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:01,224
Okay, let's cut the cake.
437
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,395
Dad, can you answer that?
It's Mr. Goofy. He's lost.
438
00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:07,610
Mr. Goofy is on my office line?
439
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,908
Right, here we go.
440
00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:15,113
Hello. This is Dr. Friedkin.
441
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,370
You've got to help me, Dr. Friedkin.
442
00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:19,034
Jack? Is this Jack?
443
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:23,748
I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna buckle, I swear to God.
444
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:27,008
Well, it's my grandson's birthday.
445
00:35:29,419 --> 00:35:31,638
A phobia of launderettes?
446
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:33,715
Oh, Jack. That's a new one to me.
447
00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:36,392
Wait, I'm confused.
Which case study is this?
448
00:35:36,593 --> 00:35:39,938
It's not a case, Dr. Friedkin.
It's me.
449
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:42,015
I'm the problem. It's me.
450
00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:46,729
Okay, okay, calm down.
Just calm yourself.
451
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:52,067
Jack, I want you
to take a deep breath.
452
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,027
Now, inhale...
453
00:35:55,737 --> 00:35:58,786
and exhale. That's right.
454
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,170
Fill your entire body.
455
00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:08,672
Imagine every cell being rinsed clean
with life-giving oxygen.
456
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:13,096
Do you have any clues
where the origin of this phobia lies?
457
00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:15,507
I've had it all my life.
458
00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,144
I've tried to get on top of it.
459
00:36:19,969 --> 00:36:22,347
I went to a washhouse
when I was at college,
460
00:36:22,514 --> 00:36:24,437
but I was just so terrified,
461
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,897
I accidentally trapped my load
in an OOO.
462
00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:29,646
An OOO?
463
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:33,199
Yes. An out of order machine.
464
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:38,497
I was in there with about six months'
of unimaginably sensitive material.
465
00:36:38,655 --> 00:36:41,124
The room gathered round,
engineers were called.
466
00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:44,077
- It was a nightmare.
- No. I sympathize with you.
467
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:46,788
As unpleasant as the experience
may have been
468
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,796
it cannot have been traumatic enough
to create such a phobia.
469
00:36:51,793 --> 00:36:54,012
It's ruining my life.
470
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:57,140
Look, I can help you,
but you must be completely honest.
471
00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:58,683
And you must trust me.
472
00:36:59,676 --> 00:37:01,678
Close your eyes.
473
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:05,728
I want you
to take another deep breath
474
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:09,357
and imagine you are sitting here
with me now in my office
475
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:12,064
having a consultation.
476
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:16,489
Think of my office
like a space capsule.
477
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:19,572
From here,
we can go anywhere in the universe,
478
00:37:19,779 --> 00:37:24,706
in space and time,
by the power of our mind.
479
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:28,959
To your childhood, to your dreams.
480
00:37:31,791 --> 00:37:35,421
Can you see the little hedgehog?
481
00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:40,058
Frightened little hedgehog
lives in an old hedgerow
482
00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,681
by the church.
Can you see the spider?
483
00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,481
Clever spider.
Waiting in the shadows.
484
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:49,525
And Mrs. Ladybird? And Mr. Rabbit?
485
00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:53,276
How about old farmer...?
486
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,165
Did you have a happy childhood?
487
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:14,050
- What is your earliest memory?
- The orphanage on fire.
488
00:38:15,543 --> 00:38:18,171
- You're being facetious.
- No, I'm not, really.
489
00:38:18,338 --> 00:38:21,808
The orphanage I was in caught fire.
November the 5th, 1979.
490
00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:24,557
Somebody let off a Roman candle
in the dormitory.
491
00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:26,513
Luckily no one was hurt.
492
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,478
You're an orphan?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
493
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,856
My mother abandoned me
when I was 5 years old.
494
00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:36,527
She just packed
a little suitcase for me one day
495
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:38,488
and disappeared.
496
00:38:41,110 --> 00:38:43,488
How did it happen, Jack?
497
00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:48,627
- It's all right to feel vulnerable.
- These pyjamas aren't helping.
498
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,462
Try, Jack.
499
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,965
Try to go back.
500
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:59,508
The only memory I have of my mother
is of a book she gave me.
501
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:04,468
Fairy tales I suppose you call them.
With these awful talking rodents.
502
00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:07,099
Look, truth is it doesn't bother me.
503
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:10,056
I don't miss my mother
because I don't remember her.
504
00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:14,236
I just...
I'm sick of these irrational fears.
505
00:39:14,394 --> 00:39:17,898
Like the bloody launderette.
It's stopping me from living my life.
506
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:22,444
Well, you can do something about it.
You're not a child anymore.
507
00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:25,656
I once treated a girl
who had a phobia of bananas.
508
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:29,455
When this girl came to me,
she was so pleased with herself.
509
00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,832
She'd been able
to overcome her phobia
510
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:36,000
to the extent that she could sit
in the same room as a closed banana.
511
00:39:36,165 --> 00:39:40,671
It had to stay closed, unzipped, or
else she'd go completely psychotic.
512
00:39:40,837 --> 00:39:44,387
But the point is, open or closed,
she had not made the connection
513
00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:46,639
between her phobia and her fear.
514
00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:50,556
- Of bananas?
- No. It was something else.
515
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:54,017
A past trauma. Something more
threatening than a mere banana.
516
00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:56,523
Do you understand?
It's like a movie screen.
517
00:39:56,728 --> 00:39:59,322
She projected her fear
onto the banana
518
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:02,901
because looking directly
at her trauma was too terrifying.
519
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:04,611
It was a projection.
520
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,538
- Onto a piece of fruit?
- Exactly.
521
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:10,868
Her banana's no different
to your launderette.
522
00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,585
I also have a recurring nightmare
about an eyeball.
523
00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,386
- What sort of eyeball?
- The giant, floating kind.
524
00:40:21,586 --> 00:40:24,635
Sort of eye of death, watching me.
525
00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,810
All fears and neurosis can be traced
back to our early childhood.
526
00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:34,642
To the first terrifying recognition
that we are alone in the world.
527
00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:37,773
When a child is abandoned,
it has no concept of time.
528
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:40,321
No understanding
that things can get better.
529
00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:45,778
That there is hope. For a child,
Jack, mother equals life.
530
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:47,487
Take away the mother
531
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:52,292
and the child is literally
swallowed by death.
532
00:40:54,410 --> 00:40:56,629
But I didn't die, did I?
533
00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:59,462
No. You lived.
534
00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:02,260
To experience your own death.
535
00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:09,559
That's some scary shit, Dr. Friedkin.
536
00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:13,138
It's the primal trauma
we are all trying to forget.
537
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:15,890
To bury in our subconscious.
538
00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:20,900
But it inevitably finds expression
either in dreams or fears
539
00:41:21,104 --> 00:41:23,527
or infantile fantasies.
540
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,610
Dad? How much longer
are you gonna be in there?
541
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:31,748
Just finishing up, sweet pea.
I'm sorry, Jack. We have to end now.
542
00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:34,497
I don't know how to thank you,
Dr. Friedkin.
543
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:42,213
Perhaps as a teenager, you were
subliminally drawn to that OOO,
544
00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:45,094
because somewhere deep
in your subconscious,
545
00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:48,013
you recognised
that you, too, are out of order.
546
00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:50,216
Broken. You don't work anymore.
547
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,060
The primary defence mechanisms
you relied on
548
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,731
to get you through childhood
no longer support you as an adult.
549
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,524
I'm sorry.
550
00:41:59,058 --> 00:42:01,652
You're fucked up, Jack.
You need therapy.
551
00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,901
I haven't got time.
I've got a meeting.
552
00:42:04,105 --> 00:42:05,982
Return to the scene of the crime
553
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:09,494
and retrieve those unwashed articles
locked in the machine.
554
00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:12,038
Release your raw, true, inner self.
555
00:42:12,405 --> 00:42:15,784
Begin a new life, free from fear.
556
00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,290
Fear of death.
557
00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:28,256
The irony is we must all journey
through Hades
558
00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:30,591
before we can reach our heaven.
559
00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:38,106
Dr. Friedkin,
I think it's time I faced my banana.
560
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:54,288
Ooh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
561
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,386
Oh. Oh.
562
00:43:17,345 --> 00:43:19,973
It's step-up time, yo, motherfucker.
563
00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:28,833
It's all right, mate. It's all right.
564
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,173
What the fuck?
565
00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:38,767
Everything all right, sir?
566
00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:40,936
Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
567
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:45,108
- Looks like you're in a hurry.
- Yes, well, I have an appointment.
568
00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:52,190
With death.
569
00:44:53,316 --> 00:44:56,741
- Excuse me?
- I mean, with the launderette.
570
00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:59,663
I'm going to wash some socks.
571
00:44:59,864 --> 00:45:03,118
- There's no crime in that, is there?
- Not that I'm aware of.
572
00:45:03,284 --> 00:45:06,208
Good. Well, I'll be on my way, then.
Good night.
573
00:45:06,370 --> 00:45:08,043
Good night.
574
00:45:17,340 --> 00:45:19,559
Keep it together, keep it together.
575
00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:23,563
It's only a banana. It's not him
you're afraid of, it's only...
576
00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:31,104
Okay. Stick to the plan.
577
00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:33,864
If I move fast, I can get in
and out in half an hour.
578
00:45:34,023 --> 00:45:36,867
That leaves 20 minutes
to change and get a taxi north.
579
00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,824
No room for error.
580
00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:50,707
"Everything automatic.
One, open the door.
581
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:53,088
"Two, get the clothes in.
582
00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:57,547
"Three, shut the door
and have two pound coins ready.
583
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:00,850
"Four, place the money in the slot.
584
00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:03,599
"Five, push your slot in."
585
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:14,564
Great.
586
00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:17,442
How do I manage it?
587
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:21,530
I've managed to create a bad
impression. I'm still in the street.
588
00:46:22,238 --> 00:46:26,368
Okay. Okay, you can do this.
You can do this.
589
00:46:57,398 --> 00:46:59,446
Looks like my lucky day.
590
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:03,454
Only four people
and no visible infants.
591
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:05,410
There, look.
592
00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:08,993
The atmosphere's easing a little.
I'm blending in.
593
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:21,506
Okay, so far so good.
I'm already up to number three.
594
00:47:22,089 --> 00:47:24,842
"Shut the door,
have two pound coins ready.
595
00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:32,020
"Four, put the money in. Five..."
596
00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:38,565
Shit. These signs are older
than the machines.
597
00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:40,525
What do I do now?
598
00:47:40,900 --> 00:47:42,368
Heavy soil.
599
00:47:46,405 --> 00:47:49,158
Jesus, it's over.
600
00:47:49,325 --> 00:47:53,580
All I have to do is stand in front of
it until the things come out clean.
601
00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:15,814
I need to check out
those drying machines.
602
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:23,826
Interesting. It appears
the technique is to open the door
603
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,370
and grab the dry things
as they fly past.
604
00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:30,575
So more heat gets concentrated
into bulkier items such as woollens.
605
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:32,960
While at the same time
anything fragile
606
00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:35,292
are spared unnecessary exposure.
607
00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:37,794
I'll have to remember
that for my shirt.
608
00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,545
Wait.
609
00:48:40,668 --> 00:48:42,136
Something's wrong.
610
00:48:42,336 --> 00:48:46,591
I'm spinning without a problem,
but mine's different to the others.
611
00:48:46,799 --> 00:48:48,972
What is this? I can't afford a hitch.
612
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,723
Excuse me.
613
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:53,602
- Mine hasn't gone white yet.
- What hasn't?
614
00:48:53,806 --> 00:48:56,025
My washing water. Look.
615
00:48:59,395 --> 00:49:01,318
You didn't put no soap in.
616
00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:05,823
- I thought the machine did it.
- Machine don't put own soap in.
617
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:08,370
You have to put soap in.
Where your soap?
618
00:49:08,571 --> 00:49:11,575
I haven't got any.
It says everything's automatic.
619
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:15,252
See number six, "Add detergent."
620
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:17,963
No.
621
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:20,507
What am I gonna do?
622
00:49:20,708 --> 00:49:25,509
- It's not gonna get washed, is it?
- Not without soap.
623
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,266
I've done it again.
How is it possible
624
00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:32,429
to keep putting things into machines
without getting them clean?
625
00:49:32,595 --> 00:49:34,939
Look here. Have you got any soap?
626
00:49:35,139 --> 00:49:38,063
Soap in slot machine one pound.
627
00:49:46,025 --> 00:49:47,743
Here, soap.
628
00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:49,703
Thanks.
629
00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:55,250
Not now.
630
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:58,796
You cannot put soap in now,
you've missed your cycle.
631
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:00,373
You wait.
632
00:50:00,581 --> 00:50:03,926
- Tell me when to put the soap.
- No. I'm in hurry to go home.
633
00:50:04,126 --> 00:50:05,799
So am I.
634
00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:08,965
You haven't been here
since 8:00 this morning.
635
00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:11,555
What've you got in there?
636
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:15,145
- A shirt and some socks.
- That's it?
637
00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:17,477
No.
638
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,856
- There's a pair in there as well.
- A pair?
639
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:23,734
A pair of underpants?
640
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:27,654
- That's all you put in machine?
- I'm allowed to, aren't I?
641
00:50:27,816 --> 00:50:30,194
You can put in a handkerchief
for all I care.
642
00:50:30,361 --> 00:50:33,080
But I think
it's a criminal waste of water.
643
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,539
Sorry. How right you are.
644
00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:40,295
In fact in a funny way,
crime is the only reason I'm here.
645
00:50:40,496 --> 00:50:42,840
I'm going home.
It's half past seven.
646
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,793
Actually it's 7:20.
But if I'd been in here
647
00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:49,881
since 8:00, I'd have started lying
about more than the time to get out.
648
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:57,396
- We'll miss out the drying.
- Yeah, I agree.
649
00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:09,567
I've missed my cycle.
650
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,448
Will it still get clean?
651
00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:14,656
I'm gonna have to chance it.
I'm cutting it fine as it is.
652
00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:17,707
And why do I seem to be the only one
with a machine
653
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:20,252
that refuses to stop spinning?
654
00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:30,630
Those two are beginning
to annoy me.
655
00:51:30,838 --> 00:51:34,809
Especially the one in the rollers
who looks like Caligula.
656
00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,262
She's obviously the ring leader.
657
00:51:39,471 --> 00:51:41,849
What the hell are they staring at?
658
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,731
I imagine they live
pretty mundane lives here
659
00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:47,404
in these launderettes, but even so.
660
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,613
It's over. I'm free.
Get me out of here.
661
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:21,805
Oh, no. A beautiful girl.
662
00:52:22,014 --> 00:52:23,857
That's the last thing I need.
663
00:52:24,016 --> 00:52:26,769
It's bad enough
shifting underwear with these louts.
664
00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:29,404
Now I'm gonna have to do it
with her watching.
665
00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:34,493
Better be discrete,
it's down to the dryers now.
666
00:52:46,997 --> 00:52:48,624
I'll just hang back here.
667
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:51,465
Hope the beautiful girl
doesn't notice my presence.
668
00:52:54,630 --> 00:52:56,883
She's trying to block my view
of her dryer.
669
00:52:57,091 --> 00:52:59,594
What does she think I am?
A Peeping Tom?
670
00:53:00,469 --> 00:53:04,895
Jesus. The size of that.
I've never seen anything like it.
671
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:09,278
And another. That thing
must have "Dunlap" written on it.
672
00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:12,823
Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.
673
00:53:12,981 --> 00:53:15,109
That's just downright impolite.
674
00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:18,654
Listen, darling, I don't wanna look
at your fucking underwear.
675
00:53:18,821 --> 00:53:22,451
Might excite the gentlemen in your
life, but as far as I'm concerned
676
00:53:22,658 --> 00:53:26,538
it's about as sexy as a couple of
buckets, which is what it looks like.
677
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,304
I look like something
out of a horror movie.
678
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:42,561
All those little ruptured
blonde hairs.
679
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,640
My head looks
like a Swede's scrotum.
680
00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:50,149
No wonder they've been watching me.
I look horrifying.
681
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,400
I'm a monster.
682
00:53:55,274 --> 00:53:56,901
What to do?
683
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:01,747
I've still got half an hour.
684
00:54:02,030 --> 00:54:06,410
I could go to the service station,
get some big sunglasses.
685
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:09,292
Yeah. Yeah.
686
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:10,998
Yeah, it could work.
687
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:14,130
Yeah, motherfucker. Hood up.
688
00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:18,464
Right, I've gotta get out of here.
And quick.
689
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:21,467
A bit of dampness
never hurt anybody.
690
00:54:52,623 --> 00:54:55,251
Forget them. They're lost forever.
691
00:54:55,459 --> 00:54:57,553
Just get the sock and the shirt.
692
00:55:00,506 --> 00:55:02,304
Excuse me.
693
00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:04,844
Are these yours?
694
00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:08,689
No.
695
00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,516
No. Nothing to do with me.
696
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:17,523
- Are they yours?
- They're his. I saw them come out.
697
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:22,702
- Excuse me. What's your name?
- John.
698
00:55:22,903 --> 00:55:25,497
- My name is John.
- Then they are yours.
699
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:28,701
It's embroidered inside
on a little tab.
700
00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:32,667
Yes. Yes, they are.
They are mine, yes.
701
00:55:32,871 --> 00:55:34,794
Lent them to somebody,
long time ago.
702
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,342
Not sure
how they got into my wash actually.
703
00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,841
- Don't you want them?
- No.
704
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:41,888
No. No, thank you.
705
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:45,180
- I don't want them.
- Throw them in the bin, love.
706
00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:47,682
Yes, thank you.
You've been very kind.
707
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:49,513
Look out. He's got a blade.
708
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:56,232
It's not what it looks like.
I'm not gonna hurt anybody. Really.
709
00:55:56,395 --> 00:55:59,490
I'm a professional writer.
For television. Don't go.
710
00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:01,237
- Call the cops!
- Please.
711
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:04,620
- Call the cops!
- No, no. Stop, stop, stop.
712
00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:07,198
Argh!
713
00:56:08,198 --> 00:56:10,576
- Go.
- Get.
714
00:56:10,742 --> 00:56:13,120
Where's the cops?
715
00:56:16,832 --> 00:56:19,676
Go that way. Take that route,
gotta get that next one.
716
00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:36,234
Half past.
717
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,238
I've still got 20 minutes.
718
00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:49,414
- Back off.
- Please, I can explain.
719
00:56:49,615 --> 00:56:52,835
- Let me out. I can explain.
- No way. Go on, stay back.
720
00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:58,132
Look, I know I look weird,
but I'm a writer.
721
00:56:58,290 --> 00:56:59,963
I don't normally look like this
722
00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:02,344
and I certainly don't wanna
use this knife.
723
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,922
Please, I have
a really important meeting.
724
00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:08,760
Not interested, mate, okay?
And I said back off.
725
00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,015
There must be another
way out of here.
726
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:14,022
Jen.
727
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:20,566
They're coming. They're coming.
728
00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:22,694
Hang on, I can hear the sirens.
729
00:57:22,898 --> 00:57:25,822
- Hurry up. He's trying to get out.
- Come on, Clair.
730
00:57:26,026 --> 00:57:30,406
Come on, pick up, pick up.
Come on, Clair. Pick up, pick up.
731
00:57:31,239 --> 00:57:33,913
Come on.
732
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:42,713
Oh.
733
00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:46,722
- You say he threatened you?
- I'll say he's sick as a pig.
734
00:57:50,801 --> 00:57:54,146
- Stand by. We got a nutter.
- Hurry. He's trying to get away.
735
00:57:54,346 --> 00:57:56,019
Okay, stand back.
736
00:57:57,224 --> 00:58:00,728
Roger. About to apprehend
said knife man. Over.
737
00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,610
Positions.
738
00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:07,401
Follow. Follow. Follow.
739
00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:09,452
- I'm in.
- Right.
740
00:58:09,653 --> 00:58:11,576
- Yeah.
- I can't see him.
741
00:58:11,780 --> 00:58:14,374
Dryers clear, sarge. Dryers clear.
742
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:16,747
No visuals. No visuals. No visuals.
743
00:58:16,952 --> 00:58:19,421
- Where is he?
- Is this the right launderette?
744
00:58:19,621 --> 00:58:21,589
- Covered.
- Stay still!
745
00:58:21,748 --> 00:58:24,422
What should I do?
Come on, stay still!
746
00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:28,722
All right, sonny. Drop the knife.
747
00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:31,846
Now. Drop the knife. Step forward.
748
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,018
Hands up where we can see them!
749
00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:36,396
I'm not here to hurt anybody.
750
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:39,232
I'm a professional writer.
751
00:58:39,391 --> 00:58:42,144
Drop the knife,
don't give me no mumbo.
752
00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:45,234
- Mumbo?
- Mumbo jumbo.
753
00:58:45,439 --> 00:58:47,407
- Well, it's stuck.
- You heard. Drop it.
754
00:58:47,566 --> 00:58:49,489
We want the knife, bitch.
755
00:58:49,651 --> 00:58:51,824
- Be my guest.
- Tase him.
756
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:55,248
Ow... Aaargh!
757
01:00:57,279 --> 01:00:58,747
This way please, sir.
758
01:01:00,031 --> 01:01:02,910
All right back off, sonny, back off.
Out of the way.
759
01:01:03,118 --> 01:01:05,997
Help him get that off.
I can't take him anywhere with that.
760
01:01:06,163 --> 01:01:07,665
Okay, this way, sir.
761
01:01:07,873 --> 01:01:10,342
Sir, you do not have to say anything.
762
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:13,504
Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
763
01:01:13,712 --> 01:01:15,931
He wants locking up, that boy.
764
01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:19,226
- Lock him up.
- It's not me you should be after.
765
01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:21,975
It's this bastard
in North London, Harvey...
766
01:01:22,179 --> 01:01:23,977
- That's blinding.
- All right.
767
01:01:24,181 --> 01:01:26,855
Filming for "Beat Cops", mate.
It's gonna be on TV.
768
01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:29,732
Anything you wanna say?
769
01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:34,947
No. Go away. This is my life.
This is not some excuse for cheap TV.
770
01:01:35,108 --> 01:01:37,076
- Aow!
- You're being very brave.
771
01:01:37,235 --> 01:01:39,158
Bugger off. You got what you want.
772
01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:42,040
Sarge, look, I set fire to myself
before I came out
773
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:43,997
then I glued this knife to my hand.
774
01:01:44,159 --> 01:01:45,877
- You threatened the ladies.
- I didn't.
775
01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:48,164
- They say you did.
- I really didn't.
776
01:01:48,371 --> 01:01:50,715
Please, can you tell them.
I didn't, did I?
777
01:01:50,916 --> 01:01:52,918
No. He just sort of got it out.
778
01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:55,549
He can tell us all about it
down the station.
779
01:01:55,754 --> 01:01:59,224
- Right. He is done.
- Okay, everyone.
780
01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:03,012
It's over. Go back to your homes.
781
01:02:03,220 --> 01:02:04,597
Safety has been restored.
782
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,898
- Thank you, everyone.
- See you later.
783
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:11,812
- Load him up.
- Wait. I'm innocent.
784
01:02:12,020 --> 01:02:15,115
Look, I've got a meeting
this evening. Tell him I'm safe.
785
01:02:15,315 --> 01:02:17,659
Enough or I'll do you
for resisting arrest.
786
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:21,488
I'm a victim of circumstance.
787
01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:26,667
All units, Mare Street. Go. Go. Go.
788
01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,712
- Sarge?
- Little Vietnam, big trouble.
789
01:02:29,871 --> 01:02:31,999
What do we do with Paddington?
790
01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:36,762
- Take him. Chuck him in the van.
- Hey, no way. I've got a meeting.
791
01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:39,677
Come on, then! Shake a leg!
792
01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:42,137
Follow that chopper!
793
01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:48,974
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
794
01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,108
Shut up!
I am driving this truck.
795
01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:14,041
Looks like they let you go after all.
796
01:03:14,874 --> 01:03:16,592
You're free.
797
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:19,383
Free.
798
01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:26,428
It's fate.
799
01:03:27,304 --> 01:03:30,057
I'm facing my demons.
800
01:03:32,100 --> 01:03:34,319
And I'm winning.
801
01:03:38,398 --> 01:03:40,366
I'm free.
802
01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:45,448
Come on, stars!
Give me your best shot.
803
01:03:46,072 --> 01:03:47,915
I'm ready.
804
01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,041
Let's do this.
805
01:03:52,203 --> 01:03:53,750
Oops.
806
01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:57,258
- Evening, sir.
- Sorry, officer.
807
01:03:57,417 --> 01:04:00,387
- Something funny, sir?
- No, I'm just happy.
808
01:04:00,545 --> 01:04:03,845
Happy? Are you drunk, sir?
809
01:04:04,007 --> 01:04:05,600
- No, I'm a writer.
- Oh, yeah?
810
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:08,679
I'm on my way to meet
a Hollywood movie mogul actually.
811
01:04:08,887 --> 01:04:11,265
- You're kidding?
- He's very interested...
812
01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,775
...in buying my script
about serial killers.
813
01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:18,109
You don't say. Are you all right?
Did you get your laundry done?
814
01:04:18,313 --> 01:04:20,031
No. Maybe another night.
815
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,280
Oh, well.
Well, good night then, miss.
816
01:04:23,485 --> 01:04:25,158
Night, sir.
817
01:04:41,378 --> 01:04:43,597
You must return
to the scene of the crime
818
01:04:43,755 --> 01:04:46,554
and retrieve those unwashed articles
in the machine.
819
01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,352
Release your raw, true, inner self.
820
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:53,022
Begin a new life, free from fear.
821
01:05:08,530 --> 01:05:11,454
Okay. Okay, I got this.
822
01:05:11,658 --> 01:05:16,915
Dr. Friedkin,
one banana signed, peeled and...
823
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:20,550
Huh?
824
01:07:39,639 --> 01:07:42,392
- Oh, my God, what happened?
- I don't know.
825
01:07:42,559 --> 01:07:44,778
How do we get out of here?
826
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:55,413
Oh, my God, what happened?
How did we get here?
827
01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,041
I was walking down the road.
828
01:07:59,242 --> 01:08:02,872
Yeah, I was walking down the alley
and I heard a noise and...
829
01:08:03,079 --> 01:08:04,422
Oh, God, I feel sick.
830
01:08:04,622 --> 01:08:07,546
Oh, my God. I have
to let my parents know I'm here.
831
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:11,596
They'll panic, they'll panic.
I don't want them to panic.
832
01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:14,382
What's that?
833
01:08:14,549 --> 01:08:16,347
You're gonna heave?
834
01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:18,511
- You can't leave?
- I can't breathe.
835
01:08:18,678 --> 01:08:20,897
Oh, you can't breathe. I'm so sorry.
836
01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:28,734
Thank you.
837
01:08:30,189 --> 01:08:32,283
They must have drugged us
and dumped us here.
838
01:08:32,442 --> 01:08:34,035
Who? Who did this?
839
01:08:34,235 --> 01:08:37,865
The Vietnamese mafia. Think about it.
We're still in the launderette.
840
01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:41,501
It's some sort of safe house.
They caught me snooping and thought,
841
01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:44,663
- ..."Let's tie him up and dump him."
- Oh, my God.
842
01:08:44,829 --> 01:08:47,958
No, no, no. It doesn't add up.
It doesn't add up at all.
843
01:08:48,166 --> 01:08:51,966
They might have suspected me,
but you were no threat whatsoever.
844
01:08:52,170 --> 01:08:54,172
What are you saying?
845
01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:58,845
It must've been premeditated.
We've been abducted by a psychopath
846
01:08:59,010 --> 01:09:04,358
whose intention is to terrorise,
torture and terminate our existence.
847
01:09:04,515 --> 01:09:06,108
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
848
01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:11,114
No, I refuse to believe that.
What about mistaken identity, huh?
849
01:09:11,314 --> 01:09:14,193
This could all be a practical joke.
850
01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:16,368
A joke? Are you out of your mind?
851
01:09:16,569 --> 01:09:19,539
No, you're paranoid.
You're jumping to conclusions.
852
01:09:19,739 --> 01:09:23,039
There is a time and place
for accusing a man of being paranoid.
853
01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:24,994
This is not fucking one of them!
854
01:09:25,203 --> 01:09:29,253
- Help! Help us, please!
- Help, please!
855
01:09:29,457 --> 01:09:33,633
'Help! Help us, please!
'Help! Help, please!
856
01:09:33,836 --> 01:09:35,930
- Please!
- Somebody, help us!
857
01:09:41,344 --> 01:09:43,017
Listen.
858
01:09:44,972 --> 01:09:47,191
Somebody's up there.
859
01:09:50,436 --> 01:09:52,359
What do we do?
860
01:10:05,535 --> 01:10:07,537
Mummy.
861
01:10:25,346 --> 01:10:26,973
Hello?
862
01:10:29,559 --> 01:10:33,314
- What's going on down here, then?
- Oh, mate.
863
01:10:33,521 --> 01:10:34,898
Are you all right?
864
01:10:35,106 --> 01:10:38,360
Mate, I have never been so happy
to see a...
865
01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:41,905
- Community support police officer.
- Community support police officer.
866
01:10:42,071 --> 01:10:44,073
Quickly untie us.
Come down, please.
867
01:10:44,282 --> 01:10:46,831
No. Shit. No. Don't. Go back up.
Get some help.
868
01:10:47,034 --> 01:10:48,456
- Get some backup.
- Right.
869
01:10:48,619 --> 01:10:50,212
We're trapped. We are trapped.
870
01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:52,006
- He can see that.
- Don't leave!
871
01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:54,208
If they come back,
they'll get him too.
872
01:10:54,417 --> 01:10:56,419
- He's police.
- He's not even armed.
873
01:10:56,627 --> 01:10:59,005
They haven't even
given him a fucking whistle.
874
01:10:59,172 --> 01:11:01,140
Listen, mate, go and get some help.
875
01:11:01,340 --> 01:11:03,263
Get some men with guns
and the dogs.
876
01:11:03,468 --> 01:11:07,974
And some dogs with guns and
a fucking helicopter. Just go. Go.
877
01:11:24,906 --> 01:11:30,254
On second thought,
I think I'll just stay here with you.
878
01:11:31,204 --> 01:11:32,922
Very cosy. Just the three of us.
879
01:11:33,122 --> 01:11:35,420
The criminal stare.
880
01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:37,798
What's he doing?
881
01:11:37,960 --> 01:11:42,761
I'm afraid this is one very sick
community support police officer.
882
01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,303
Very good.
883
01:11:47,762 --> 01:11:54,737
You know, you can't beat these
old machines for sheer craftsmanship.
884
01:11:54,894 --> 01:12:01,493
Front loading, motor power,
elegant design.
885
01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:05,659
Admittedly, they don't spin
as fast as modern machines do,
886
01:12:05,822 --> 01:12:07,699
but so what?
887
01:12:07,865 --> 01:12:09,959
As Mahatma Gandhi said,
"There's more to life
888
01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:12,245
"than simply increasing its speed."
889
01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:15,711
Looking at this washing machine,
you'd have to agree with him.
890
01:12:15,915 --> 01:12:18,543
I mean, it's a bloody work of art.
891
01:12:21,921 --> 01:12:25,596
I said, it's a work of art.
Don't you agree?
892
01:12:27,009 --> 01:12:28,886
Yes, it's very nice.
893
01:12:29,053 --> 01:12:33,183
Right, well, take comfort in that,
894
01:12:33,349 --> 01:12:37,070
because it's the last thing
you're gonna see before you die.
895
01:12:38,646 --> 01:12:44,494
If you both look closely, you'll
notice a pea green flashing light.
896
01:12:44,652 --> 01:12:47,326
Which means,
that while you were both sleeping
897
01:12:47,488 --> 01:12:49,582
this machine has
already passed smoothly
898
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:52,584
through the stages
of pre-wash and main wash
899
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:55,459
and is now completing
the last rinse.
900
01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:00,961
Ow.
901
01:13:01,127 --> 01:13:07,931
This will shortly be followed
by the magnificent final spin
902
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:13,189
at which point, the cycle will end,
the light will turn red...
903
01:13:15,933 --> 01:13:19,779
and I shall have the pleasure
of sending you both to a better
904
01:13:19,979 --> 01:13:24,405
and, one would hope,
cleaner world than this.
905
01:13:24,567 --> 01:13:26,410
You fucking maniac.
906
01:13:26,569 --> 01:13:29,243
I was just gonna go home
and catch some telly.
907
01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:32,875
But when you mentioned you were
a writer, about serial killers,
908
01:13:33,075 --> 01:13:37,672
I thought,
"No. No, this is meant to be.
909
01:13:37,872 --> 01:13:39,294
"This is fate."
910
01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,876
- What do you call yourself?
- What's that?
911
01:13:42,043 --> 01:13:45,798
What do you call yourself?
The Spin King? Laundry Man?
912
01:13:46,005 --> 01:13:48,554
No, I'm the Hanoi Handshake.
That's me.
913
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,602
After I kill you,
I'm going to chop your fingers off
914
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:54,105
and pin it on the Vietnamese lot.
915
01:13:54,263 --> 01:13:57,893
WW? Why are you doing this?
916
01:13:58,059 --> 01:14:00,903
Oh, well, it's complicated.
917
01:14:01,103 --> 01:14:04,733
You see, this launderette
used to belong to my grandmother.
918
01:14:04,899 --> 01:14:08,324
That is, before the whole
neighbourhood went to Pot.
919
01:14:08,486 --> 01:14:10,488
Pol Pot.
920
01:14:10,655 --> 01:14:15,035
No, the boat people elbowed her out.
Broke her heart. Killed her.
921
01:14:15,242 --> 01:14:19,247
So I'm on a rampage,
a rampage of vengeance.
922
01:14:19,455 --> 01:14:20,923
Oh, I see.
923
01:14:21,123 --> 01:14:22,921
Anyway, that's not important now.
924
01:14:23,125 --> 01:14:24,672
What is important
925
01:14:24,835 --> 01:14:29,932
is that I've got the key,
and no one knows we're here.
926
01:14:30,091 --> 01:14:33,766
So then, if you don't mind,
I've just got to quickly go upstairs
927
01:14:33,928 --> 01:14:35,976
and sharpen my knife.
928
01:14:38,474 --> 01:14:40,476
Sit tight, kids.
929
01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:48,033
And remember,
when the light goes red,
930
01:14:48,234 --> 01:14:50,032
you're dead.
931
01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:09,009
Hm, the rinse is ending.
932
01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:23,562
Oh, that's it then, isn't it?
933
01:15:23,728 --> 01:15:27,483
Not only am I not gonna make
my meeting with Harvey Humphries,
934
01:15:27,648 --> 01:15:30,322
I'm gonna fucking die.
935
01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:33,328
Hey, stop it.
936
01:15:34,572 --> 01:15:36,700
You mustn't lose hope.
937
01:15:36,907 --> 01:15:39,956
There's no hope. We're dead.
938
01:15:40,161 --> 01:15:42,255
There is always hope.
939
01:15:42,455 --> 01:15:46,130
I was abandoned in a launderette
as a child.
940
01:15:47,251 --> 01:15:51,927
I couldn't speak for six weeks,
I was so afraid.
941
01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:54,433
I've come full circle.
942
01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:56,594
I'm alive,
943
01:15:56,761 --> 01:16:00,891
alive to experience my own death.
944
01:16:01,098 --> 01:16:02,816
It's destiny.
945
01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,278
No!
946
01:16:06,437 --> 01:16:12,786
No! No! No!
947
01:16:41,764 --> 01:16:47,146
Listen, your mother, she gave up
on herself, not on you.
948
01:16:47,353 --> 01:16:50,698
You don't make the same mistake.
949
01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:53,234
We can do it together.
950
01:16:54,193 --> 01:16:59,290
Come on, we have to try
and reason with him.
951
01:16:59,448 --> 01:17:01,667
There's always hope.
952
01:17:05,996 --> 01:17:08,374
I don't even know your name.
953
01:17:08,541 --> 01:17:11,886
Sangeet. My name is Sangeet.
954
01:17:12,294 --> 01:17:14,467
Sangeet.
955
01:17:14,630 --> 01:17:17,008
That's a very beautiful name.
956
01:17:18,050 --> 01:17:22,180
Sangeet, do you think
if all this blows over,
957
01:17:22,346 --> 01:17:26,647
you and I might perhaps
get some dinner or...?
958
01:17:27,810 --> 01:17:29,812
That's the spirit, John.
959
01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:37,990
He)'-
960
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:40,622
Call me Jack.
961
01:18:00,801 --> 01:18:05,807
Those about to die, we salute you.
962
01:18:26,327 --> 01:18:29,797
What's wrong? Not your cup of tea?
963
01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:35,128
But how can you not like this?
964
01:18:35,294 --> 01:18:39,344
This is top-notch.
This is classic rock.
965
01:18:39,506 --> 01:18:42,180
Er, no.
966
01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:45,813
Technically, this is '80s hair metal.
967
01:18:45,971 --> 01:18:47,518
What?
968
01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,148
Right.
969
01:18:52,353 --> 01:18:55,732
I'll have you know that
that track was number one
970
01:18:55,898 --> 01:18:58,822
in 25 separate countries in 1986. 25.
971
01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:03,865
Now, I think that qualifies it as
an all-time rock classic. Don't you?
972
01:19:04,073 --> 01:19:07,077
Yeah. Well, we had
different childhoods, mate.
973
01:19:07,243 --> 01:19:10,588
While you were jumping around
in your bedroom to men in tights,
974
01:19:10,746 --> 01:19:12,589
I was keeping it fresh,
975
01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:15,092
rolling with the brothers,
you know what I'm saying, y'all?
976
01:19:15,292 --> 01:19:18,762
- Dusting off my AK, motherfucker.
- Well, you missed out.
977
01:19:21,048 --> 01:19:24,177
You don't know
what you're talking about anyway.
978
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:33,440
I used to lie over there, on my bed
with my headphones on.
979
01:19:33,644 --> 01:19:36,523
And I'd just disappear
into my imagination.
980
01:19:36,730 --> 01:19:39,609
Gran always said
I had a very vivid imagination.
981
01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:41,777
Oh, I could be anyone.
982
01:19:41,944 --> 01:19:47,792
Sometimes I'd be this rock star,
half man, half elf,
983
01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:52,126
with this great mane of golden hair,
down to my waist
984
01:19:52,329 --> 01:19:54,377
and all the girls would be yelling,
985
01:19:54,581 --> 01:19:59,838
"Oh, Tony. Let me touch it, Tony.
Let me touch it. Let me touch it."
986
01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:02,382
This was your bedroom?
987
01:20:02,548 --> 01:20:05,051
- Eh?
- You had a bed down here?
988
01:20:05,259 --> 01:20:07,682
Oh, mate.
989
01:20:07,886 --> 01:20:11,140
Me and this launderette go way back.
990
01:20:14,727 --> 01:20:17,901
You see, my mum died
when I was quite young
991
01:20:18,105 --> 01:20:22,326
and I didn't have any other family,
so I was sent to live with my gran.
992
01:20:22,776 --> 01:20:24,528
At the launderette.
993
01:20:24,737 --> 01:20:27,616
She took me in, bless her heart,
and looked after me,
994
01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:30,372
but she decided
there wasn't enough room
995
01:20:30,576 --> 01:20:32,749
for two people upstairs in the flat.
996
01:20:32,911 --> 01:20:34,629
So she made me a room down here.
997
01:20:34,830 --> 01:20:36,832
Down in the cellar.
998
01:20:38,334 --> 01:20:41,213
It was, well...
999
01:20:41,420 --> 01:20:43,718
It took a bit of getting used to.
1000
01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:47,176
But she only locked the hatch
very late at night.
1001
01:20:48,552 --> 01:20:54,104
And I was allowed out,
to see the people coming and going.
1002
01:20:54,266 --> 01:20:55,859
To watch them wash.
1003
01:20:58,228 --> 01:20:59,946
You.
1004
01:21:00,147 --> 01:21:03,151
Oh, Tony, you poor thing.
1005
01:21:04,568 --> 01:21:06,320
What do you mean? Poor thing?
1006
01:21:06,487 --> 01:21:08,706
You were abandoned, Tone.
1007
01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:13,210
Mate, I had this whole
massive bedroom to myself.
1008
01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:15,708
This is a cellar, Tone. A cellar.
1009
01:21:15,871 --> 01:21:17,714
- But...
- Look, it's Dickensian.
1010
01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:20,968
- How big was your fucking bedroom?
- That's not the point.
1011
01:21:21,126 --> 01:21:24,380
Jesus. What kind of woman
keeps a child in a cellar?
1012
01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:28,767
Hey, don't you say a word
about my gran.
1013
01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:31,061
My gran was a very special person.
1014
01:21:31,261 --> 01:21:32,604
That's the kid talking.
1015
01:21:32,805 --> 01:21:37,857
Any mother, even a twisted hag bitch
of a mother is better than no mother.
1016
01:21:38,060 --> 01:21:41,781
Come on, Tone. You were dumped.
Alone. In a cellar.
1017
01:21:41,980 --> 01:21:45,200
Yeah, all right, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud.
1018
01:21:45,401 --> 01:21:47,403
You're the one tied up in a basement.
1019
01:21:47,611 --> 01:21:51,536
I'm the one feeding the press.
Baffling the police.
1020
01:21:51,740 --> 01:21:54,493
I'm conducting the whole thing
like an orchestra.
1021
01:21:54,701 --> 01:21:57,875
I'm like the André Previn
of serial killers.
1022
01:21:58,080 --> 01:22:01,050
Mate, I have studied serial killers
and you are not it.
1023
01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:05,884
- A serial killer is an artist.
- Hey, I'm all about elegant design.
1024
01:22:06,088 --> 01:22:09,217
Tell them, Gran.
I am an artist, aren't I?
1025
01:22:09,425 --> 01:22:12,679
I'm like a sculptor,
sculpting in crime.
1026
01:22:12,886 --> 01:22:16,186
Don't tell me you've got your bloody
grandmother down here too.
1027
01:22:16,390 --> 01:22:19,439
Well, of course I have.
I'm a serial killer, aren't I?
1028
01:22:19,643 --> 01:22:22,613
It's been done, mate!
Come up with something original.
1029
01:22:22,813 --> 01:22:24,315
I did the Hanoi Handshake!
1030
01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:27,777
Sounds like two Vietnamese gentlemen
in a public convenience!
1031
01:22:27,985 --> 01:22:29,578
He's right. It does, actually.
1032
01:22:29,778 --> 01:22:32,452
"Can I give you a handshake?
I give you handshake."
1033
01:22:32,656 --> 01:22:36,957
Please! Have some bloody respect,
will you?
1034
01:22:43,375 --> 01:22:45,594
That's it.
1035
01:22:45,752 --> 01:22:49,177
- Spin's started.
- No!
1036
01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:51,091
- No!
- Don't!
1037
01:22:51,258 --> 01:22:54,387
Shut it! Shut up! Shut up!
1038
01:22:54,595 --> 01:22:57,565
- No!
- Try making fun of this, dead man.
1039
01:22:58,640 --> 01:23:03,237
Say hello to my bowie knife.
I call him Dave.
1040
01:23:03,437 --> 01:23:06,737
David the Bowie Knife? Sounds like
a character from my stories.
1041
01:23:06,940 --> 01:23:09,693
Dave doesn't like you.
1042
01:23:09,860 --> 01:23:12,454
He's telling me to do it.
1043
01:23:12,613 --> 01:23:14,741
I'm gonna do it.
1044
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:17,042
Ton)'-
1045
01:23:19,745 --> 01:23:22,419
You can't reason
with a serial killer.
1046
01:23:27,127 --> 01:23:29,846
- Oh, Jack.
- Just go, go, go. Please go, go, go.
1047
01:23:30,047 --> 01:23:34,928
Go on, go. Go get help.
Hop. Hop! Hop.
1048
01:23:37,095 --> 01:23:39,723
Hop. Hop. Hop.
1049
01:23:40,682 --> 01:23:44,607
Run!
1050
01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:57,787
Sorry. I am sorry.
1051
01:24:08,627 --> 01:24:12,302
- No, Tony.
- No, I can't let you go.
1052
01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,136
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
This is how it has to end.
1053
01:24:16,343 --> 01:24:20,223
- Tony, please, leave her alone.
- Sorry, mate, she saw me with you.
1054
01:24:20,430 --> 01:24:22,558
- No turning back now.
- Jack. Jack.
1055
01:24:22,766 --> 01:24:24,894
- Do something. Please.
- What? What?
1056
01:24:25,102 --> 01:24:28,948
You're a writer, aren't you?
Tell him a fucking story.
1057
01:24:29,106 --> 01:24:31,325
- A story?
- Right, this is it.
1058
01:24:31,525 --> 01:24:34,278
No, wait. No, she's right.
Let me tell you a story.
1059
01:24:34,486 --> 01:24:36,079
- A story?
- Yes, please.
1060
01:24:36,280 --> 01:24:37,907
It's a dead man's last wish.
1061
01:24:38,115 --> 01:24:41,039
It's a story to end the cycle.
1062
01:24:41,201 --> 01:24:43,420
- How long's it going to take?
- Not long.
1063
01:24:43,620 --> 01:24:46,214
- Because I haven't got long.
- Neither have I.
1064
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:52,129
Oh, all right, dead man.
1065
01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:55,682
But make it good because it's
the last thing you're gonna write.
1066
01:24:55,841 --> 01:24:58,219
- Yeah, yeah.
- No pressure, though.
1067
01:24:59,136 --> 01:25:03,266
Okay. I have to start
right at the beginning.
1068
01:25:03,432 --> 01:25:05,651
Once upon a time,
1069
01:25:05,809 --> 01:25:08,779
there was a hedgehog
whose name...
1070
01:25:08,979 --> 01:25:10,902
A hedgehog?
1071
01:25:11,940 --> 01:25:13,942
Yes. Yes. Whose name...
1072
01:25:14,109 --> 01:25:17,283
You're about to die and you want
to tell a story about a hedgehog?
1073
01:25:17,446 --> 01:25:20,370
Mate, please, just bear with me.
1074
01:25:21,491 --> 01:25:23,118
Okay, you sitting comfortably?
1075
01:25:27,623 --> 01:25:29,842
Once upon a time...
1076
01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:33,215
not so long ago...
1077
01:25:34,254 --> 01:25:36,382
there was a hedgehog...
1078
01:25:37,466 --> 01:25:39,514
whose name...
1079
01:25:41,678 --> 01:25:44,022
was Brian.
1080
01:25:51,229 --> 01:25:54,403
Brian lived in a cave
deep in the forest,
1081
01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:59,117
a dark and terrible place
called the Wyrd Wild Wood.
1082
01:26:00,489 --> 01:26:06,087
After dark, the forest would echo
with howls and screams.
1083
01:26:06,286 --> 01:26:09,290
And sometimes it seemed to Brian
as if even the moon
1084
01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:11,967
conspired against him.
1085
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:17,465
But the more afraid Brian became,
the angrier he got,
1086
01:26:17,631 --> 01:26:21,556
until one night,
frightened out of his wits...
1087
01:26:22,511 --> 01:26:26,937
he turned himself
into a terrifying monster.
1088
01:26:28,183 --> 01:26:30,902
He put on weight, painted his face
1089
01:26:31,061 --> 01:26:36,158
and started insisting on being
addressed as Balthazar the Berserker.
1090
01:26:36,316 --> 01:26:38,910
But then a strange thing happened.
1091
01:26:39,069 --> 01:26:41,822
Brian received an unexpected visitor.
1092
01:26:42,781 --> 01:26:45,375
"Come any closer
and I'll scratch your eyes out."
1093
01:26:45,575 --> 01:26:49,079
He snarled angrily
at the flickering eyes in the trees.
1094
01:26:49,287 --> 01:26:51,506
"Brian?" Whispered a voice.
1095
01:26:51,707 --> 01:26:53,459
"Is that really you?"
1096
01:26:53,625 --> 01:26:56,299
"Who the fuck are you calling Brian?"
said Brian,
1097
01:26:56,461 --> 01:27:00,637
as menacingly as he could manage.
"Why, Brian, it is you."
1098
01:27:00,799 --> 01:27:04,724
It was Harold, his brother,
last seen by the road,
1099
01:27:04,928 --> 01:27:08,102
walking with mother a long time ago.
1100
01:27:08,265 --> 01:27:11,610
He said, "I'm so happy
I found you, Brian, old chap.
1101
01:27:11,810 --> 01:27:15,440
"I've been terribly lonely
and fancied a chat."
1102
01:27:15,605 --> 01:27:18,654
But Brian had crossed that road
and never looked back.
1103
01:27:18,859 --> 01:27:21,703
He'd erased the memory
and his soul was now black.
1104
01:27:21,903 --> 01:27:24,031
"Harold, mate. I hate to be blunt.
1105
01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:26,412
But look in the mirror,
you prickly idiot.
1106
01:27:26,616 --> 01:27:29,415
You're a worthless, pathetic,
sniveling fool.
1107
01:27:29,619 --> 01:27:33,089
"I'd rather spend time
with the worms in my stool."
1108
01:27:33,290 --> 01:27:37,011
With that he chased him into the
trees and over the dells, screaming,
1109
01:27:37,210 --> 01:27:39,713
"I'll eat you for supper
or meet you in hell."
1110
01:28:04,196 --> 01:28:07,666
But fate intervened
and Brian got lost.
1111
01:28:07,866 --> 01:28:11,962
And to make matters worse,
there was a treacherous fog.
1112
01:28:12,162 --> 01:28:15,462
"Hello, " he cried.
"Is anyone there?"
1113
01:28:15,665 --> 01:28:19,886
But no one replied,
and Brian got scared.
1114
01:28:20,086 --> 01:28:22,930
And that's when he saw
he wasn't alone.
1115
01:28:23,131 --> 01:28:28,729
A small, crumpled body
was lying in the road.
1116
01:28:37,312 --> 01:28:39,781
"Why didn't you leave me?"
said Brian.
1117
01:28:39,981 --> 01:28:41,779
"And just let me die?"
1118
01:28:41,983 --> 01:28:45,362
"You're my brother," said Harold.
"How on earth could I?"
1119
01:28:45,529 --> 01:28:48,123
And that's when they heard
the pitiful cries
1120
01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,582
of a very small hedgehog
whose mother just died.
1121
01:28:52,744 --> 01:28:55,668
And suddenly
Brian just started to blub.
1122
01:28:55,872 --> 01:28:58,967
He picked up the babe
and gave it a hug.
1123
01:28:59,167 --> 01:29:01,636
"This little thing, you know,
reminds me of us.
1124
01:29:02,254 --> 01:29:05,554
"Left all alone
when Mum caught that bus."
1125
01:29:06,091 --> 01:29:08,389
"The spell has been broken,"
said Harold.
1126
01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:12,348
"It's time to break free.
You're not really a monster.
1127
01:29:12,556 --> 01:29:16,186
"You're a hedgehog, like me."
1128
01:29:41,585 --> 01:29:44,805
I tell you what,
that is a beautiful story.
1129
01:29:48,008 --> 01:29:50,602
- I suppose they...
- Adopted the baby hedgehog. Yes.
1130
01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:52,520
Oh, mate.
1131
01:29:52,721 --> 01:29:56,396
It's symbolic. You see,
they discovered their true selves.
1132
01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:58,694
They start again where they left off
1133
01:29:58,894 --> 01:30:02,239
before the trauma
of losing their mum.
1134
01:30:02,397 --> 01:30:06,447
I tell you, that was my life,
right there in that cave.
1135
01:30:07,319 --> 01:30:09,447
I'm not a monster, am I?
1136
01:30:09,613 --> 01:30:14,119
No. You just need some help.
1137
01:30:14,284 --> 01:30:19,461
I'll let you into a secret.
I'm not even a proper serial killer.
1138
01:30:19,664 --> 01:30:24,170
That Vietnamese bloke, the one
in the marshes, I didn't kill him.
1139
01:30:24,336 --> 01:30:27,215
- What?
- No, he must've tripped and fell.
1140
01:30:27,380 --> 01:30:29,508
He was dead when I found him.
1141
01:30:29,674 --> 01:30:32,268
Yeah, but the fingers,
the Hanoi Handshake?
1142
01:30:32,427 --> 01:30:34,646
Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do that.
1143
01:30:34,804 --> 01:30:38,104
Well, otherwise,
he was just a bloke in a ditch.
1144
01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,276
Oh, her? It's just a mannequin.
1145
01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:45,482
I found her in a bin
outside Topshop.
1146
01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:48,409
So you're not a killer, then.
1147
01:30:50,153 --> 01:30:52,076
You're like me.
1148
01:30:53,531 --> 01:30:55,954
We were both abandoned.
1149
01:30:56,117 --> 01:30:57,960
We're the same.
1150
01:30:59,079 --> 01:31:01,673
We're like...
1151
01:31:01,831 --> 01:31:04,801
Yes. Brothers.
1152
01:31:12,008 --> 01:31:15,979
Er, it's... It's not mine.
I just... I picked it up.
1153
01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:32,366
Brother?
1154
01:31:32,529 --> 01:31:34,031
- Help.
- Help.
1155
01:31:50,588 --> 01:31:52,966
"So Harold
and his long-lost brother Brian
1156
01:31:53,133 --> 01:31:58,230
"lived happily afterwards in the old
hedgerow beside the churchyard."
1157
01:32:00,932 --> 01:32:05,779
And remember, no matter how dark
and scary those woods may seem,
1158
01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:09,817
there's a way across the road for
a hedgehog brave enough to cross it.
1159
01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:12,202
Thank you.
1160
01:32:21,077 --> 01:32:23,830
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
1161
01:32:24,164 --> 01:32:26,383
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
1162
01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:28,881
That was a wonderful story.
1163
01:32:29,085 --> 01:32:34,012
Congratulations. Perfect synthesis
of Jungian and Freudian thought.
1164
01:32:34,174 --> 01:32:36,347
Harold's lost self is recovered,
1165
01:32:36,509 --> 01:32:39,604
whilst acknowledging the important
role that the false self
1166
01:32:39,763 --> 01:32:42,141
played in surviving
the terror of abandonment.
1167
01:32:42,307 --> 01:32:44,856
Well, it's all credit to you,
Professor Friedkin.
1168
01:32:45,018 --> 01:32:49,615
Next book, Harold must address
his destructive Oedipal complex
1169
01:32:49,773 --> 01:32:54,529
and help Brian with his tendency
towards malignant anal hoarding.
1170
01:32:56,029 --> 01:33:02,002
Darling, I've brought someone
I think you should finally meet.
1171
01:33:04,162 --> 01:33:07,336
Harvey Humphries.
1172
01:33:08,750 --> 01:33:13,802
You. You never came
to see me, did you?
1173
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:19,811
Oh, you
are a very, very naughty boy.
1174
01:33:19,969 --> 01:33:23,269
Harvey's still very interested
in "Decades of Death", Jack.
1175
01:33:23,890 --> 01:33:28,691
Maybe you two can get together
and discuss it later?
1176
01:33:31,815 --> 01:33:35,490
Can you see the spider?
1177
01:33:37,862 --> 01:33:41,992
And the farmer in his field?
1178
01:33:42,158 --> 01:33:46,083
Can you see the lovely ladybird?
1179
01:33:46,246 --> 01:33:49,625
And what about
the little frightened hedgehog?
1180
01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:51,255
Jack?
1181
01:33:52,210 --> 01:33:53,632
Jack.
1182
01:33:54,254 --> 01:33:55,927
Are you all right?
1183
01:33:56,089 --> 01:33:58,091
Er, yes, sorry.
1184
01:33:58,258 --> 01:34:01,137
Hey, what about that dinner
you promised me?
1185
01:34:07,016 --> 01:34:10,737
Erm, I'll get back to you, okay,
on the whole thing.
1186
01:34:10,895 --> 01:34:13,114
- I'll think about it. I will.
- Call me.
1187
01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:14,946
Absolutely.
1188
01:34:15,108 --> 01:34:16,906
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
1189
01:34:17,110 --> 01:34:19,829
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.
1190
01:34:20,155 --> 01:34:21,828
Thank you.
1191
01:34:25,535 --> 01:34:29,665
Once upon a time,
there was a hedgehog called Harold,
1192
01:34:29,831 --> 01:34:33,426
who one day set out on a journey.
1193
01:34:34,419 --> 01:34:36,638
When he reached the far side
of the wood,
1194
01:34:36,796 --> 01:34:42,098
he came to a large flowing river,
dancing with speckled light.
1195
01:34:42,260 --> 01:34:46,766
Without a moment's hesitation,
Harold threw himself into the water.
1196
01:34:48,016 --> 01:34:51,190
The current carried him far away
1197
01:34:51,352 --> 01:34:55,482
and he was never seen again.
1198
01:35:06,409 --> 01:35:09,663
Morning. Morning, you two.
Morning, madam.
1199
01:35:12,290 --> 01:35:13,917
Bye, then.
1200
01:35:40,568 --> 01:35:43,242
What a fucking...
1201
01:35:43,988 --> 01:35:46,207
- Twat.
- Cock.
1202
01:35:46,366 --> 01:35:48,744
Fucking dickhead. Wanker.
1203
01:35:49,000 --> 01:35:52,067