1 00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:27,843 Kin-Dza-Dza! 2 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:28,000 PART ONE 3 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:29,000 SUBTITLES: synchronization and translation improved by DOMKRAT (largely based on the original subtitles from sadgeezer.com) Assistance from the forum.wordreference.com in improving the translation is very much appreciated. 4 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,320 screenplay by Revaz GABRIADZE Georgi DANELIYA 5 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,320 directed by Georgi DANELIYA 6 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,320 camera and staging by Pavel LEBESHEV 7 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,320 music by Giya KANCHELI 8 00:01:18,321 --> 00:01:21,321 Starring: 9 00:01:22,321 --> 00:01:30,321 Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov aka "Uncle Vova" 10 00:01:32,321 --> 00:01:36,321 Evgeni LEONOV as Uef ("Chatlan") 11 00:01:38,321 --> 00:01:42,321 Yuri YAKOVLEV as Be ("Patzak") 12 00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:48,321 Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan aka "Fiddler" 13 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:15,235 - Hi - Hi 14 00:02:15,727 --> 00:02:20,679 - How was your day? - Pipes burst at Manukhin's building site 15 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:35,680 [ Unknown and long-forgotten song from an old movie With exquisitely dumb lyrics ] 16 00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:42,900 " Mama, mama, what shall we do now? Winter's coming. Freezing all day long " 17 00:02:43,007 --> 00:02:49,017 " You could use a warmer woolen scarf, and I don't have a winter coat at all " 18 00:02:54,927 --> 00:02:59,247 - How's our 'excellent student'? - He's out with friends 19 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:03,238 Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot 20 00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:09,565 Oh, and buy some noodles too 21 00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:27,527 Comrade, that man over there says he's from another planet. We have to do something 22 00:03:27,527 --> 00:03:29,527 Just report him 23 00:03:29,527 --> 00:03:33,725 I will, but he's almost barefoot he'll catch a cold 24 00:03:37,127 --> 00:03:38,587 - How do you do! - How do you do 25 00:03:39,087 --> 00:03:41,007 Please excuse the bad smell 26 00:03:41,207 --> 00:03:45,967 - It's cold here. I found this in a container - Way to go! 27 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:49,567 Friend! Please tell me your planet number in Tenture, 28 00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:52,035 or at least the galaxy number in The Spiral 29 00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:56,406 I engaged the wrong keys and now I can't return home 30 00:03:56,727 --> 00:04:00,447 Well, my dear fellow... We don't remember the number 31 00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:02,947 Look, let's send this guy to the information office, 32 00:04:03,147 --> 00:04:06,367 and we'll wait for him together in the bakery, okay? 33 00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:09,527 - You can put these on - Uh-huh... Thank you 34 00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:13,927 Look, friends There's no need for a bakery... 35 00:04:13,927 --> 00:04:15,927 or information office 36 00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:20,047 This is my planet: Uzm, 247 in Tenture 37 00:04:20,647 --> 00:04:23,447 Galaxy Beta in The Spiral 38 00:04:23,447 --> 00:04:27,487 This is my space- transportation gadget 39 00:04:27,487 --> 00:04:31,207 But which keys should I engage to get transported home? 40 00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:34,327 Since time is relative... You do understand that, right? 41 00:04:34,327 --> 00:04:39,187 OK, my friend. I have a proposition We "engage the keys" now... 42 00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:41,287 and get transported to your place 43 00:04:41,287 --> 00:04:43,287 But if your little gizmo doesn't work... 44 00:04:43,287 --> 00:04:48,287 you will be transported to where we transport you. Deal? 45 00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:51,727 No, you can't do it without knowledge 46 00:04:51,727 --> 00:04:54,843 Sure we can 47 00:05:11,607 --> 00:05:13,987 And you, what do you see? Huh? 48 00:05:14,087 --> 00:05:18,282 - Sand... - So the frickin' gizmo worked 49 00:05:21,027 --> 00:05:25,679 And that freak with a grater, did he stay behind?! 50 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:30,157 Keep calm! Just keep calm 51 00:05:32,407 --> 00:05:36,027 We have sun, sand... and we have gravity 52 00:05:36,527 --> 00:05:40,887 - Where are we? We are on Earth, or... - Or?.. 53 00:05:41,087 --> 00:05:46,167 No, let's assume we're on Earth, in some desert. Right? 54 00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:48,158 Say, Karakum. Huh? 55 00:05:48,727 --> 00:05:51,007 What other deserts do we have? 56 00:05:51,207 --> 00:05:53,655 - Gobi, Sahara... - I said *we* have! 57 00:05:53,747 --> 00:05:55,867 We also have... Kyzylkum 58 00:05:56,167 --> 00:06:02,807 No We'll assume it's Karakum. Huh? 59 00:06:02,807 --> 00:06:09,300 So, the sun is to the west, Ashgabad-city must be there 60 00:06:09,507 --> 00:06:11,798 Understood? Let's go 61 00:06:19,127 --> 00:06:21,357 Come on! Let's go 62 00:06:46,087 --> 00:06:50,487 Comrade, what is your name? 63 00:06:50,487 --> 00:06:53,047 Vladimir Nikolaevich 64 00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:57,598 - My name is Gedevan - 'Pleased to meet you' 65 00:07:12,887 --> 00:07:17,687 You have a bottle in your bag. Is it wine? 66 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:22,158 Nah... It's vinegar 67 00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:27,287 I also have some herbs and spices 68 00:07:27,587 --> 00:07:30,284 We're all set then 69 00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:40,087 Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember the number he mentioned? 70 00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:44,087 - The man I gave my sock to - No 71 00:07:44,087 --> 00:07:47,767 Maybe we're on his planet? 72 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:49,758 Listen, Fiddler... 73 00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:53,527 We can guess all we want That won't change a frickin' thing! 74 00:07:53,527 --> 00:07:56,727 We've chosen a direction and we keep walking 75 00:07:56,727 --> 00:08:01,198 We just need to get to the water. Clear? 76 00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:07,247 Vladimir Nikolaevich, I want to change into slippers 77 00:08:07,447 --> 00:08:11,024 - Well, do it! - Stop walking please! 78 00:08:19,447 --> 00:08:22,967 - What time is it? - Four 79 00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:26,958 - In the morning? - In the morning 80 00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:33,847 Are you late for something? 81 00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:36,407 It's embarrassing... 82 00:08:36,407 --> 00:08:40,887 I called from the airport, said I'd be there in an hour, and... 83 00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:44,687 - You study music? - No. It's not mine 84 00:08:44,887 --> 00:08:47,087 It was Maestro Ragosin 85 00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:51,447 He was on tour in my hometown, and after the concert... 86 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,007 they forgot to put the violin on the plane 87 00:08:54,007 --> 00:08:56,587 - Banquet? - Nah, just a dinner 88 00:08:56,887 --> 00:09:01,087 - Oh... Are you from Tbilisi? - From Batumi [in Georgia] 89 00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:06,167 I thought I'd return the violin and still catch the train to my college 90 00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:10,027 - I study Textile Manufacturing - Uh-huh... 91 00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:15,984 I wanted to study International Relations in Moscow, but there they told me... 92 00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:18,079 Quiet! 93 00:10:15,647 --> 00:10:17,444 A man 94 00:10:21,807 --> 00:10:24,320 - "Koo" - Hello 95 00:10:39,287 --> 00:10:41,960 A capitalist country 96 00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:04,407 Do you speak any foreign languages? 97 00:11:04,407 --> 00:11:07,727 English, a little French 98 00:11:07,727 --> 00:11:09,718 Tell them we have no money 99 00:11:11,607 --> 00:11:14,280 Tell them now! It's not a free show 100 00:11:14,581 --> 00:11:19,281 " Gentlemen! Sorry, we haven't money ...now " 101 00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:40,327 How do you do! 102 00:11:40,327 --> 00:11:43,647 We are tourists We lost our group 103 00:11:43,647 --> 00:11:48,000 Please give us a ride to the nearest city, and we'll find our way from there 104 00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:49,002 Translate 105 00:11:57,087 --> 00:11:58,281 Hello 106 00:12:21,047 --> 00:12:22,527 We have no money 107 00:12:22,527 --> 00:12:26,447 We left money, passports and foreign currency with our guide 108 00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:32,716 We stepped aside for a moment and got lost in the sands 109 00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:48,476 It's yours. Very warm 110 00:12:51,887 --> 00:12:53,366 Sorry? 111 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:59,738 You want my hat? Here you go 112 00:13:07,127 --> 00:13:11,325 It's not mine, I can't give it away 113 00:13:15,207 --> 00:13:19,620 - There's nothing in there - Open it 114 00:13:25,407 --> 00:13:27,796 It's not wine, it's vinegar 115 00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:40,084 Sour, isn't it? 116 00:13:49,047 --> 00:13:54,447 So that's settled then? Friend, will you give us a ride? 117 00:13:54,447 --> 00:13:56,438 Fiddler, hurry up 118 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:05,523 Just to the nearest city, we'll be all right there 119 00:14:08,207 --> 00:14:10,277 What? my jacket? 120 00:14:20,278 --> 00:14:22,278 Jerks... 121 00:14:28,847 --> 00:14:31,236 Glad I didn't give them the violin 122 00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:53,682 Looks like they're sorry 123 00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:16,925 "Ketze" what? 124 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,157 I think he wants a match 125 00:15:23,207 --> 00:15:25,163 You want a match? 126 00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:32,515 Here 127 00:15:48,127 --> 00:15:49,685 The whole box? 128 00:15:51,887 --> 00:15:55,926 You get us out of here, and we'll give you the "koo" 129 00:17:11,687 --> 00:17:19,002 Not a single letter, not a single "Made in", heh? 130 00:17:25,727 --> 00:17:28,525 Sorry, I don't understand 131 00:17:31,526 --> 00:17:33,526 " Sprechen Sie Turkisch? " 132 00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:45,675 What do they want? 133 00:17:46,327 --> 00:17:48,477 It's "koo" they want 134 00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:08,437 Thank you 135 00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:17,484 He wants me to put on a bell 136 00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,644 He'll get over it 137 00:18:25,607 --> 00:18:28,724 I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich It's getting too awkward 138 00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:32,765 Whatever 139 00:18:59,927 --> 00:19:03,317 All right, you win 140 00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:40,359 I'll just have a smoke 141 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,798 Easy! Easy there. Easy 142 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:39,762 Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we are really on... 143 00:21:41,087 --> 00:21:44,003 Yeah, typical Martians 144 00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:12,918 "Lucy darling, you pest! You just had to have those noodles" 145 00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:28,842 So. You do speak Russian What was your motive for concealing it? 146 00:22:29,407 --> 00:22:31,140 We didn't conceal it 147 00:22:32,047 --> 00:22:36,067 It's hard to penetrate your minds when you two think in different languages 148 00:22:36,167 --> 00:22:40,799 And this Patzak always speaks in languages he hardly knows! 149 00:22:41,087 --> 00:22:44,238 What are you staring at? "Maimuna verishvilla" 150 00:22:44,747 --> 00:22:47,883 - They speak Georgian, too! - What did he say? 151 00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:51,887 - "Monkey, son of a goat" - That's it! 152 00:22:52,087 --> 00:22:55,407 We are from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange 153 00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:57,407 Everybody knows where we are Looking for us 154 00:22:57,407 --> 00:23:00,967 If you don't put us in touch with the embassy... 155 00:23:00,967 --> 00:23:04,403 you'll be in serious trouble, got it? 156 00:23:08,027 --> 00:23:12,636 We don't understand "embassy" Quick, put the 'tzak' back! 157 00:23:12,887 --> 00:23:17,687 You understand "noodles", and you understand "maimuna", 158 00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:21,647 yet you don't know "embassy"? You poor things 159 00:23:21,647 --> 00:23:24,320 Enough! Stop fooling us around! Got it? 160 00:23:25,127 --> 00:23:29,087 About noodles I simply said what you thought 161 00:23:29,087 --> 00:23:32,523 It's not Earth, my dear fellow, and it's not Africa 162 00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:41,687 It's planet Pluk, 215 in Tenture Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in The Spiral. Got it? 163 00:23:45,807 --> 00:23:48,446 Well hello, here we are 164 00:23:50,367 --> 00:23:55,083 Put the bell on, my friend Put it on 165 00:24:00,407 --> 00:24:03,843 Right... Way to go 166 00:24:32,547 --> 00:24:37,067 - Excuse me, where have we landed? - Shh! He has very sharp ears 167 00:24:37,167 --> 00:24:40,567 - Do you know the Tenture of your planet? - Tenture? 168 00:24:40,767 --> 00:24:43,867 Well, tell us your galaxy number in The Spiral 169 00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:46,883 - In the spiral? - Yes, yes, in The Spiral 170 00:24:46,927 --> 00:24:50,407 Well, Earth is there, you know... Spinning next to such planets as... 171 00:24:50,827 --> 00:24:54,407 Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter... 172 00:24:54,407 --> 00:24:58,027 - What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich? - The Big Dipper 173 00:24:58,427 --> 00:25:00,918 Vladimir Nikolaevich, come over here 174 00:25:06,327 --> 00:25:11,000 - Do you have more matches on your planet? - It's possible 175 00:25:11,567 --> 00:25:14,843 How many will you give us if we put you there? 176 00:25:15,767 --> 00:25:19,667 - How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this one 177 00:25:19,967 --> 00:25:22,480 - Seven! - Seven 178 00:25:22,807 --> 00:25:27,807 And give me all that you have here I will trade them for a 'gravitzapa' 179 00:25:27,807 --> 00:25:29,798 Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"? 180 00:25:30,207 --> 00:25:34,727 Well, without a gravitzapa, 'Pepelatz' can only fly like this... 181 00:25:34,727 --> 00:25:40,767 but add a gravitzapa and---to any place in the Universe... in 5 seconds 182 00:25:40,767 --> 00:25:44,867 And you guys roll your Pepelatz out of the garage without a gravitzapa... 183 00:25:45,068 --> 00:25:47,467 - That's not right - We did have a gravitzapa! 184 00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:49,867 But when we landed here, someone snatched it up 185 00:25:49,967 --> 00:25:53,917 - By any chance, do you have a space-transportation gadget? - No. No 186 00:25:54,007 --> 00:25:57,805 - Give me the matches - Give us some water 187 00:26:18,305 --> 00:26:20,005 Like this! Do like this! 188 00:26:20,487 --> 00:26:24,366 Do like this! Like this! 189 00:26:25,087 --> 00:26:28,807 This is yours; this is how you smoke now 190 00:26:29,007 --> 00:26:30,283 Thank you 191 00:26:35,007 --> 00:26:37,023 He says they have a gravitzapa 192 00:26:38,127 --> 00:26:41,924 - Put your matches here - Well, here's the deal 193 00:26:42,147 --> 00:26:45,263 You put us on Earth, and you'll get this, and this 194 00:26:45,547 --> 00:26:46,647 Hey! 195 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:49,639 Fiddler, let's go for a 'little spacewalk' 196 00:26:50,087 --> 00:26:51,482 Stop! 197 00:26:52,883 --> 00:26:54,483 Give it back! 198 00:26:56,207 --> 00:26:59,677 - Give it back! - Only on Mother Earth 199 00:26:59,807 --> 00:27:01,207 Vladimir Nikolaevich! 200 00:27:01,308 --> 00:27:04,807 You said, if we take you to the city you will give us all of them 201 00:27:05,107 --> 00:27:07,007 And now you stole a match from us! 202 00:27:07,107 --> 00:27:10,047 A Patzak shall not cheat another Patzak. That's not nice! 203 00:27:10,147 --> 00:27:12,247 I said, to the city! 204 00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:14,527 - And what is this? - It's a barn 205 00:27:15,047 --> 00:27:23,367 And what is this? and this? and this here? How is it not a city? 206 00:27:23,367 --> 00:27:25,358 Hey, relax! 207 00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:31,477 Show us your gravitzapa If it's a major brand, we'll take it 208 00:27:31,807 --> 00:27:33,287 Patzak! 209 00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:39,007 Only a blockhead would take smuggled ketze in front of witnesses 210 00:27:39,007 --> 00:27:44,218 That's 'etsikh' for life, with nails! Do you have 'kyou' for brains or what? 211 00:27:46,027 --> 00:27:49,246 We'll buy it ourselves Let's go 212 00:27:50,047 --> 00:27:54,076 Stop! I said stop! 213 00:27:59,167 --> 00:28:00,680 Who are you? 214 00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:04,681 I said, who are you? 215 00:28:06,727 --> 00:28:10,007 - 'Alien foreman' - No, you are a Patzak 216 00:28:10,207 --> 00:28:12,447 - And who are you? - I'm Georgian 217 00:28:12,447 --> 00:28:14,847 No, you are also a Patzak 218 00:28:15,047 --> 00:28:17,947 You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak and he is a Patzak 219 00:28:18,047 --> 00:28:21,067 And I am a Chatlan, and they are Chatlans, 220 00:28:21,267 --> 00:28:25,087 so put on your tzak, and stay in the Pepelatz! Got it? 221 00:28:25,687 --> 00:28:26,881 Oh yeah? 222 00:28:27,487 --> 00:28:29,567 Look at me, my friend This is a 'Visator' 223 00:28:29,567 --> 00:28:34,407 See the response, what color? Green, isn't it 224 00:28:34,407 --> 00:28:40,118 Now look at him. It's green And the same with you, green 225 00:28:40,727 --> 00:28:45,247 Now look at Uef. What color? Orange, isn't it 226 00:28:45,247 --> 00:28:50,047 That's because he is a Chatlan Understood? 227 00:28:50,047 --> 00:28:52,647 - What? - Pluk is a Chatlan planet 228 00:28:53,047 --> 00:28:55,247 So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks 229 00:28:55,567 --> 00:29:01,160 Yes! And before us Chatlans, you have to do this! 230 00:29:01,767 --> 00:29:05,087 Vladimir Nikolaevich, this is overtly racist 231 00:29:05,087 --> 00:29:09,087 - Please, show it again - Like this! 232 00:29:09,087 --> 00:29:12,525 - A bit slower, will you please - Like.. this... 233 00:29:13,727 --> 00:29:15,526 Vladimir Nikolaevich... 234 00:29:15,627 --> 00:29:19,527 You have a wife back home, a son struggling in school, 235 00:29:19,527 --> 00:29:22,067 ...and you are behind on your mortgage 236 00:29:22,167 --> 00:29:25,278 Yet here you are... fooling us around 237 00:29:25,579 --> 00:29:29,778 There won't be a happy ending for you, my dear fellow 238 00:29:32,079 --> 00:29:33,500 Here 239 00:29:34,187 --> 00:29:37,947 - OK. Fiddler, we'll play their game - Way to go! 240 00:29:38,247 --> 00:29:42,407 Now give the match to Uef, he'll buy a gravitzapa 241 00:29:42,407 --> 00:29:45,107 - And he said he needed them all - I was joking 242 00:29:45,207 --> 00:29:48,298 Heh... You guys are so funny! 243 00:29:49,847 --> 00:29:54,486 - Koo! - Wait! Koo. We'll go together 244 00:29:58,807 --> 00:30:02,207 Don't show them any of your ketze Don't even think about them 245 00:30:02,207 --> 00:30:04,207 Just show them my ketze 246 00:30:04,207 --> 00:30:07,846 And don't give them more than half a match for the gravitzapa 247 00:30:08,687 --> 00:30:12,077 And your Patzak said it costs a whole match 248 00:30:12,287 --> 00:30:14,882 Shh! He was joking too 249 00:30:30,927 --> 00:30:33,395 Cement series 300, isn't it? 250 00:30:36,027 --> 00:30:40,527 - Patzak! Remember, half or less - All right 251 00:30:41,067 --> 00:30:44,027 Excuse me, but what is "Chatlan" or "Patzak"? Ethnicity? 252 00:30:44,127 --> 00:30:45,627 No 253 00:30:46,327 --> 00:30:48,547 - A biological factor? - No 254 00:30:48,867 --> 00:30:51,167 - People from different planets? - No 255 00:30:51,467 --> 00:30:53,547 So how are they different? 256 00:30:53,847 --> 00:31:00,317 Fiddler, are you color-blind or what? Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist 257 00:31:09,067 --> 00:31:11,717 Hey! A skyscraper! 258 00:31:12,067 --> 00:31:15,057 Come on, let's go 259 00:31:26,887 --> 00:31:29,967 Koo! Do as I taught you 260 00:31:29,967 --> 00:31:32,037 Hi missy 261 00:31:33,038 --> 00:31:36,038 Must be chilly, in that poor coat? 262 00:31:45,447 --> 00:31:49,447 They won't let me in, they want you alone 263 00:31:49,447 --> 00:31:53,759 Don't give them the ketze, bring the gravitzapa here, I'll check it 264 00:31:54,727 --> 00:31:56,877 Go! 265 00:31:59,967 --> 00:32:01,007 Stay! 266 00:32:01,307 --> 00:32:03,307 - We're together - Stay! 267 00:32:03,407 --> 00:32:05,407 Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him! 268 00:32:05,807 --> 00:32:09,483 It's all right Wait here 269 00:32:16,967 --> 00:32:20,676 Just don't go anywhere 270 00:32:38,607 --> 00:32:40,757 Hi 271 00:32:43,847 --> 00:32:46,315 What's up? 272 00:32:48,827 --> 00:32:50,887 To squat, you say? 273 00:32:51,287 --> 00:32:57,157 Well, out of respect for the ladies present 274 00:32:58,007 --> 00:33:00,838 Well? What's new on Pluk? 275 00:33:01,807 --> 00:33:06,119 Put ketze here and you'll get a gravitzapa 276 00:33:16,647 --> 00:33:21,560 - Only a half - Half it is 277 00:33:22,807 --> 00:33:26,558 - Can I take a look? - Sure 278 00:33:37,687 --> 00:33:41,547 Actually I'm not an expert on gravitzapas 279 00:33:41,847 --> 00:33:45,587 Let's show it to my Chatlan, he'll check it 280 00:33:45,887 --> 00:33:50,326 In a minute. We'll just set up a 'tzapa' 281 00:34:06,507 --> 00:34:08,484 Sore throat? 282 00:34:13,127 --> 00:34:14,567 Water 283 00:34:14,967 --> 00:34:17,058 I have a proposition 284 00:34:17,347 --> 00:34:24,002 I'll give you the rest of this ketze for two bottles of water. Deal? 285 00:34:24,047 --> 00:34:25,375 Deal 286 00:34:37,007 --> 00:34:38,687 Do you have food? 287 00:34:38,687 --> 00:34:40,687 Porridge 288 00:34:40,687 --> 00:34:42,678 What kind? 289 00:34:43,727 --> 00:34:46,357 Plastic 290 00:34:51,887 --> 00:34:56,682 Look I'll give you this whole ketze 291 00:34:57,507 --> 00:35:04,044 for five bottles of water ...and a kilo of porridge 292 00:35:06,407 --> 00:35:09,043 - What's this? - Ketze 293 00:35:10,407 --> 00:35:14,041 - Now we have to check it again... - Well, be my guest 294 00:35:31,567 --> 00:35:35,446 Hey, hang on a sec! 295 00:35:36,087 --> 00:35:37,440 In a minute 296 00:36:05,247 --> 00:36:10,399 Fiddler, how about you, can you get matches on Earth? 297 00:36:11,547 --> 00:36:12,902 Yes, I can 298 00:36:16,447 --> 00:36:21,567 If you can spit further than me, I'll give you half a 'chatle' 299 00:36:23,207 --> 00:36:27,282 If I can spit further, you'll owe me two matches 300 00:36:36,647 --> 00:36:38,327 - Understood? - Nah... 301 00:36:38,567 --> 00:36:43,825 It's a simple game I bet half a chatle, you bet 3 matches 302 00:36:44,047 --> 00:36:47,319 - Here, kid. Spit - No, thank you 303 00:36:48,527 --> 00:36:53,047 Well, OK, you bet one match, I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants 304 00:36:53,247 --> 00:36:56,847 and I'll give you a head-start like this. Come on 305 00:36:57,027 --> 00:36:58,687 - No - Blue pants! 306 00:36:58,887 --> 00:37:01,478 Mr. Uef, under no circumstances will I do this 307 00:37:02,207 --> 00:37:04,483 Is that your final answer? 308 00:37:04,527 --> 00:37:11,285 Then stop fooling me around "Maimuna verishvilla"! 309 00:37:13,447 --> 00:37:19,627 Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet and demand you to watch your vocabulary! 310 00:37:19,927 --> 00:37:21,918 Yeah! 311 00:37:47,727 --> 00:37:49,401 Where are they? 312 00:37:50,047 --> 00:37:53,007 - Who? - That one, with a scar 313 00:37:53,407 --> 00:37:56,398 I'm a blockhead I gave him all the matches 314 00:39:05,687 --> 00:39:07,962 Gentlemen, stop it That's enough 315 00:39:09,247 --> 00:39:11,167 Enough? Enough? 316 00:39:11,167 --> 00:39:14,687 I told him a thousand times we should fly to the Center 317 00:39:14,687 --> 00:39:21,320 But he is ...greedy like all Chatlans "Two chatles cheaper..." Kyou! 318 00:39:21,847 --> 00:39:24,644 Look, I have one left 319 00:39:27,627 --> 00:39:30,721 Should be enough for a gravitzapa, right? 320 00:39:31,407 --> 00:39:33,407 Give it to me, please 321 00:39:33,507 --> 00:39:36,726 - What for? - To buy a gravitzapa 322 00:39:38,687 --> 00:39:41,806 - Where? - There, in the Center 323 00:39:42,587 --> 00:39:46,407 And how are you going to get us to Mother Earth? 324 00:39:46,407 --> 00:39:50,887 It is spinning through space somewhere, and you don't even know the galaxy 325 00:39:50,887 --> 00:39:53,087 We can get your planet number, you blockhead, 326 00:39:53,187 --> 00:39:56,236 ...from any planetarium in the Center for 2 chatles! 327 00:39:56,847 --> 00:39:59,366 Give me the match, okay? 328 00:39:59,547 --> 00:40:01,465 So that you could 'cover us up' with sand? 329 00:40:01,567 --> 00:40:03,567 - Will you give it to me? - No 330 00:40:04,044 --> 00:40:09,046 - Is that your final answer? - As final as it gets 331 00:40:13,707 --> 00:40:16,926 Farewell then, 'my dear fellow' 332 00:40:22,507 --> 00:40:24,507 They will leave, Vladimir Nikolaevich 333 00:40:24,707 --> 00:40:29,202 No, they won't. They'd sell their own mother for a couple of matches 334 00:40:36,367 --> 00:40:39,967 Either you give us the match now, 335 00:40:39,967 --> 00:40:45,360 or we won't put you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes! 336 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:51,500 Two thousand 337 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,500 Three 338 00:40:55,001 --> 00:40:58,001 - Two and three hundred - Three 339 00:41:07,202 --> 00:41:09,202 Two thousand five hundred Can't give more 340 00:41:10,207 --> 00:41:12,198 Yes you can, my friend 341 00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,400 Mr. Be 342 00:41:17,687 --> 00:41:20,360 I have 50 rubles 343 00:41:20,887 --> 00:41:23,342 Matches cost 2 kopeks per box, 344 00:41:23,567 --> 00:41:27,243 so I can buy 2500 matchboxes 345 00:41:26,567 --> 00:41:30,843 Fiddler is fibbing! He has more chatles 346 00:41:35,047 --> 00:41:41,324 Stop calling me "Fiddler," Mr. Uef To you I am Gedevan Alexandrovich 347 00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,086 Is it the engine there? 348 00:41:51,307 --> 00:41:56,278 Stop poking your nose into every hole 'Gedevan Alexandrovich' 349 00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:04,960 Gedevan, how about we tie these two scoundrels up and set a course north? 350 00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:06,961 What for? 351 00:42:07,267 --> 00:42:11,640 Maybe there's Mediterranean Sea there, swashing and splashing 352 00:42:12,047 --> 00:42:14,667 Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich, are you nuts, my friend? 353 00:42:14,867 --> 00:42:17,167 A sea? on Pluk? 354 00:42:17,167 --> 00:42:21,126 All seas have been used up long ago, to make 'luts' 355 00:42:21,727 --> 00:42:24,446 Excuse me, to make what? 356 00:42:24,907 --> 00:42:27,996 Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel 357 00:42:29,107 --> 00:42:32,007 Here That would be 6140 matchboxes 358 00:42:32,207 --> 00:42:34,604 How come it's so many already? 359 00:42:34,807 --> 00:42:38,802 You stuff your face with porridge You drink water. Plus the "Widget" 360 00:42:40,107 --> 00:42:44,565 Cross the "Widget" out, we are not into widgets. Put it back 361 00:42:52,847 --> 00:42:58,567 Let's take it. We need to bring a sample of technology, or no-one will believe us 362 00:42:58,847 --> 00:43:02,726 Then give them the violin, if you like the Widget so much 363 00:43:04,247 --> 00:43:09,327 It's an Italian antique violin, worth a thousand rubles, if not more 364 00:43:09,327 --> 00:43:12,000 How will I ever pay for it 365 00:43:15,007 --> 00:43:20,407 Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you are "the first Georgian cosmonaut" 366 00:43:20,407 --> 00:43:23,087 and that you "will get a Nobel prize", 367 00:43:23,187 --> 00:43:27,885 return the spoon you stole from the poor artists 368 00:43:29,967 --> 00:43:32,686 I wasn't thinking any of that 369 00:43:38,367 --> 00:43:42,838 I wanted to donate it to science, maybe it's some new metal 370 00:43:44,327 --> 00:43:50,926 Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler, you are a disgrace for all Patzaks 371 00:43:51,247 --> 00:43:54,205 I am very deeply saddened 372 00:43:59,007 --> 00:44:01,500 - Where are you going? - To the toilet 373 00:44:01,787 --> 00:44:03,407 No money in the toilet 374 00:44:03,507 --> 00:44:09,479 Leave the money here, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich' 375 00:44:44,767 --> 00:44:48,207 - Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive - Why? 376 00:44:49,047 --> 00:44:51,567 Well, there on Earth, how do you know 377 00:44:51,767 --> 00:44:54,958 how many times who has to squat and before whom? 378 00:44:55,047 --> 00:44:58,344 We go by instinct! 379 00:44:58,607 --> 00:45:00,401 Barbarians! 380 00:45:00,647 --> 00:45:01,897 Look, 381 00:45:02,267 --> 00:45:05,520 I've come to like you, so I'll teach you 382 00:45:06,127 --> 00:45:08,147 If I have *a little* ketze, 383 00:45:08,347 --> 00:45:11,000 I have a right to wear yellow pants 384 00:45:11,507 --> 00:45:17,122 ...and Patzaks have to squat before me not just once, but twice 385 00:45:17,727 --> 00:45:20,764 If I have *a lot* of ketze 386 00:45:21,087 --> 00:45:25,556 I have a right to wear *pink* pants 387 00:45:25,887 --> 00:45:30,447 ...and not only do Patzaks have to squat before me twice 388 00:45:30,647 --> 00:45:33,827 ...but also Chatlans have to koo! 389 00:45:34,027 --> 00:45:41,239 ...and Etsilops cannot beat me up at night! Ever! 390 00:45:41,547 --> 00:45:44,566 Um...I have a proposition 391 00:45:44,887 --> 00:45:47,647 You, my dear fellow, give us the match now 392 00:45:47,647 --> 00:45:51,606 and later we will bring you yellow pants. Deal? 393 00:45:51,827 --> 00:45:54,343 Thanks, I already have a pair Maybe Fiddler needs some? 394 00:45:54,567 --> 00:45:59,039 Fiddler! The aliens are peddling some pants here 395 00:45:59,367 --> 00:46:02,280 Yellow. Do you need any? 396 00:46:03,227 --> 00:46:05,147 There is no Fiddler, my friend 397 00:46:05,247 --> 00:46:07,307 - Come again? - I have ejected him 398 00:46:07,407 --> 00:46:11,707 Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich We have another ejection cabin 399 00:46:11,807 --> 00:46:13,798 That one was broken anyway 400 00:46:14,207 --> 00:46:15,807 What the hell 401 00:46:15,807 --> 00:46:19,686 I pressed the 'kappa', he flew away 402 00:46:20,007 --> 00:46:24,285 Fiddler isn't needed He was a waste of fuel 403 00:46:34,987 --> 00:46:36,403 Turn back! 404 00:46:37,703 --> 00:46:38,703 We can't 405 00:46:38,947 --> 00:46:42,481 We're out of luts, we have to fly to the luts station 406 00:46:42,887 --> 00:46:47,659 Turn back! or I'll burn this frickin' ketze right here! 407 00:46:49,007 --> 00:46:51,123 Gedevan! 408 00:46:55,727 --> 00:46:57,558 Fiddler! 409 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,000 Fiddler! 410 00:47:15,887 --> 00:47:21,263 - He couldn't just disappear! - I told you, he got busted by Etsilops 411 00:47:21,487 --> 00:47:26,379 - Now let's go, my friend - I could just kill you! 412 00:47:29,087 --> 00:47:31,437 Call the Etsilops on the radio! 413 00:47:32,047 --> 00:47:34,797 We have no radio We had to throw it away 414 00:47:34,927 --> 00:47:36,727 I'll have a look myself now! 415 00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:38,937 Etsilop! 416 00:47:47,927 --> 00:47:50,077 Put on your tzak, quick! 417 00:47:51,507 --> 00:47:55,557 - You didn't put on a tzak! - He'll cope 418 00:48:07,487 --> 00:48:11,719 Put it on! or he'll 'tranklukate' both you and the match! 419 00:49:06,087 --> 00:49:07,600 How do you do! 420 00:49:08,207 --> 00:49:11,880 Look, friend, we lost a guy around here. Did you see him? 421 00:49:14,007 --> 00:49:15,565 What? 422 00:49:27,587 --> 00:49:30,096 Oh, sorry, I forgot 423 00:49:30,227 --> 00:49:33,036 So did you pick him up? 424 00:50:12,327 --> 00:50:16,356 I told you, Fiddler isn't needed I told you! 425 00:50:16,727 --> 00:50:21,005 How are we supposed to buy luts now? How?! 426 00:50:24,006 --> 00:50:25,006 How?! 427 00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:30,925 - You, my dear fellow, are a pest! - He is worse. He is a kyou! 428 00:51:05,727 --> 00:51:08,007 I have a proposition 429 00:51:08,007 --> 00:51:09,698 We find Fiddler, 430 00:51:09,887 --> 00:51:11,867 ...and then we go to the local government 431 00:51:11,967 --> 00:51:13,958 Bring me some sand please 432 00:51:15,427 --> 00:51:19,237 We'll tell them who we are and where we are from 433 00:51:21,067 --> 00:51:25,526 They will give us a gravitzapa, and we will... 434 00:51:26,027 --> 00:51:29,603 ...organize a mutually beneficial trade 435 00:51:30,787 --> 00:51:33,567 You will send us yellow pants 436 00:51:34,068 --> 00:51:36,568 ...and we will send you ketze as much as you want 437 00:51:36,767 --> 00:51:39,625 No gravitzapa, no government! 438 00:51:39,887 --> 00:51:44,046 The Government, my dear fellow, lives on another planet! 439 00:52:28,047 --> 00:52:35,086 Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here! 440 00:52:50,027 --> 00:52:51,498 - Fiddler! - Yeah? 441 00:52:51,607 --> 00:52:54,487 Where is my... um, what's it called... 442 00:52:54,487 --> 00:52:58,576 - Tzak? - Well? 443 00:52:59,527 --> 00:53:01,427 - I have it - Well give it to me 444 00:53:01,587 --> 00:53:05,078 - But why here? - Just give it to me now 445 00:53:08,547 --> 00:53:10,366 But there is nobody around 446 00:53:11,547 --> 00:53:15,039 - That one is mine - So keep it at the ready! 447 00:53:35,047 --> 00:53:39,247 - Are you asleep? - No 448 00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:41,505 Don't lose heart, Fiddler 449 00:53:41,787 --> 00:53:46,116 If there *is* a gravitzapa on this Pluk, we'll find it 450 00:53:46,687 --> 00:53:48,759 We've had it much worse 451 00:53:53,227 --> 00:53:55,065 Quiet! 452 00:53:58,007 --> 00:54:00,326 Hey! Stop! 453 00:54:01,647 --> 00:54:04,567 Hey, would you give us a ride to the Center? 454 00:54:04,767 --> 00:54:06,967 - Patzak! Stop there - What? 455 00:54:08,007 --> 00:54:10,916 Don't come any closer 456 00:54:11,027 --> 00:54:13,927 - What do you want? - Give us a ride to the Center! 457 00:54:14,027 --> 00:54:16,018 Three chatles 458 00:54:16,607 --> 00:54:20,047 We have no money, but we'll work for it 459 00:54:20,347 --> 00:54:22,038 What can you do? 460 00:54:22,587 --> 00:54:25,887 - Me? Anything! - Be specific 461 00:54:26,047 --> 00:54:29,547 Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder! a foreman! 462 00:54:29,747 --> 00:54:32,487 We'll build you a house! 463 00:54:32,687 --> 00:54:35,078 And what can *you* do? 464 00:54:35,227 --> 00:54:37,080 Me? 465 00:54:37,227 --> 00:54:39,307 He can play violin! 466 00:54:40,507 --> 00:54:42,565 Play! 467 00:54:43,167 --> 00:54:47,283 - Play - I can't! 468 00:54:47,567 --> 00:54:49,277 Bye, Patzaks! 469 00:54:49,687 --> 00:54:54,727 Hey! Missy! Wait! I can play! 470 00:54:54,727 --> 00:54:56,327 Do play! 471 00:54:56,327 --> 00:54:57,927 Here? 472 00:54:57,927 --> 00:54:59,918 There!!! 473 00:55:20,767 --> 00:55:24,564 Wait, I'll sort out the sound 474 00:55:28,767 --> 00:55:30,959 Play 475 00:55:34,087 --> 00:55:36,256 And sing 476 00:55:40,047 --> 00:55:42,163 Okay, just a sec 477 00:55:42,687 --> 00:55:44,537 How does it go... 478 00:55:44,867 --> 00:55:50,487 " Mama, mama, what shall I do " 479 00:55:50,587 --> 00:55:52,087 Wow! 480 00:55:52,387 --> 00:55:53,507 What? 481 00:55:53,607 --> 00:55:56,464 - I said wow - Heh... People love it 482 00:55:56,687 --> 00:56:00,158 - What? - People love it! 483 00:56:17,847 --> 00:56:19,216 No 484 00:56:20,027 --> 00:56:22,207 - I could drum - How's that? 485 00:56:25,327 --> 00:56:27,447 Foreman! 486 00:56:27,447 --> 00:56:29,563 Fiddler isn't needed 487 00:56:31,647 --> 00:56:33,767 It's okay, he won't be a bother 488 00:56:33,967 --> 00:56:38,243 - Come on, give us some water, huh? - I said, after the gig 489 00:56:38,667 --> 00:56:41,677 We could just take it 490 00:56:45,078 --> 00:56:47,578 By force Then you'd have to beg us 491 00:56:47,647 --> 00:56:51,407 Ouch! You touch me, and an Etsilop will come and rip your legs off 492 00:56:51,407 --> 00:56:53,398 Screw your Etsilop! 493 00:56:54,087 --> 00:56:57,060 Easy there, Fiddler Don't provoke the lady 494 00:56:58,887 --> 00:57:01,003 Foreman! 495 00:57:12,207 --> 00:57:13,276 Check it out 496 00:57:20,227 --> 00:57:23,843 Okay, I get it I get it 497 00:57:24,407 --> 00:57:29,247 Look, do you have a friend with a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz? 498 00:57:29,247 --> 00:57:30,847 Why? 499 00:57:30,847 --> 00:57:36,067 If you could give us a ride to Earth, we'd give you each a six-pack of matches 500 00:57:36,647 --> 00:57:41,525 I know, no one believes what anyone says Well, tell me what I am thinking 501 00:57:43,767 --> 00:57:47,367 That your wife must be calling the morgues now 502 00:57:47,367 --> 00:57:49,687 No, what am I thinking right now 503 00:57:50,187 --> 00:57:52,079 That you'll do it 504 00:57:52,547 --> 00:57:54,680 See? it's true! 505 00:57:54,887 --> 00:57:59,260 Ha! What kind of fool would ever think the truth! 506 00:58:00,687 --> 00:58:02,279 "Absurd!" 507 00:58:02,867 --> 00:58:06,367 And just because you all say what you don't think 508 00:58:06,567 --> 00:58:08,567 ...and think what you don't think 509 00:58:08,567 --> 00:58:11,327 ...you all sit in cages! And in general... 510 00:58:11,327 --> 00:58:16,127 This whole bitter cataclysm that we can observe here... 511 00:58:16,127 --> 00:58:18,527 Me and Vladimir Nikolaevich too 512 00:58:18,627 --> 00:58:22,527 Patzaks are to sing in cages, so be it 513 00:58:22,527 --> 00:58:24,527 Stop showing off! 514 00:58:24,527 --> 00:58:27,018 It's OK darling, we'll be singing here, right next to it 515 00:58:27,327 --> 00:58:30,527 Get in. He spotted us You'll get us all tranklukated 516 00:58:30,527 --> 00:58:33,598 - We are not animals - What?! 517 00:58:35,327 --> 00:58:40,518 - Now you'll get in! Get in! - Let go! Stop it! 518 00:58:46,027 --> 00:58:49,166 Get in now, or he'll melt us down! 519 00:58:49,687 --> 00:58:53,447 Well, if you insist... Fiddler, let's get in 520 00:58:53,847 --> 00:58:55,338 Go ahead 521 00:59:00,887 --> 00:59:05,687 One, two, three... 522 00:59:05,687 --> 00:59:08,000 - Dance! - Dance 523 00:59:08,367 --> 00:59:12,599 You know what? Go find some other band! Dude! 524 00:59:13,487 --> 00:59:15,803 What?!?! 525 00:59:25,527 --> 00:59:27,519 Be right back 526 00:59:31,247 --> 00:59:32,847 We must get out of here 527 00:59:32,847 --> 00:59:36,047 Boys, give it a push It's uphill 528 00:59:36,047 --> 00:59:38,038 Now *this* we can do 529 00:59:46,167 --> 00:59:47,500 Rev it up! 530 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:50,066 Bye-bye! Jerks 531 01:00:09,887 --> 01:00:12,387 I will tell everyone... 532 01:00:12,587 --> 01:00:18,162 ...where the planet is going under this clown PG! 533 01:00:19,787 --> 01:00:25,077 Patzaks are trampling all over Chatlans! 534 01:00:28,578 --> 01:00:30,078 Kyou! 535 01:00:32,527 --> 01:00:35,524 Well? Is everything in there? 536 01:00:35,747 --> 01:00:37,726 She stole my cologne 537 01:00:39,447 --> 01:00:41,039 Women 538 01:00:46,927 --> 01:00:52,247 Let me... What do you have in there? Lead? 539 01:00:52,247 --> 01:00:53,839 I got it, Uncle Vova 540 01:01:30,607 --> 01:01:34,887 I don't even know which way to look... 541 01:01:34,887 --> 01:01:36,878 Where is Earth? 542 01:01:53,027 --> 01:01:57,367 Galina Borisovna! Me and comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks, 543 01:01:57,367 --> 01:02:01,647 ...could earn 2 chatles per gig. And that's at best 544 01:02:01,647 --> 01:02:06,447 Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops at least a chatle a day 545 01:02:06,447 --> 01:02:11,247 And a gravitzapa is worth half a ketze! That's 2200 chatles 546 01:02:11,247 --> 01:02:15,587 Divide by 365, minus weekends, equals 6 547 01:02:16,087 --> 01:02:20,287 I simply couldn't get back in less than 6 years 548 01:02:20,287 --> 01:02:24,387 Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but I only have your word for it 549 01:02:24,587 --> 01:02:27,767 Do you have any proof that you indeed returned from Space? 550 01:02:27,767 --> 01:02:31,096 Maybe you simply sold the violin, as Maestro Ragosin suspected, 551 01:02:31,197 --> 01:02:34,897 ...and then spent some quality time, out in a disco 552 01:02:35,227 --> 01:02:37,877 This is a mineral 553 01:02:38,407 --> 01:02:41,080 This is a chatle 554 01:02:42,127 --> 01:02:43,207 This is a tzak 555 01:02:43,207 --> 01:02:45,327 A metal nut and a sample of sand... 556 01:02:45,327 --> 01:02:49,047 ...are appended to the report I handed in to the Dean's secretary 557 01:02:49,047 --> 01:02:51,047 so they could forward it to the UNESCO 558 01:02:51,047 --> 01:02:54,399 - Where?! - UNESCO [United Nations] 559 01:02:56,027 --> 01:02:59,027 You are a grown-up man, Gedevan Alexandrovich 560 01:02:59,227 --> 01:03:02,927 You'd studied here for a semester and then disappeared for years 561 01:03:03,027 --> 01:03:05,047 Now you show up out of the blue 562 01:03:05,248 --> 01:03:06,448 ...with a pebble, 563 01:03:06,647 --> 01:03:10,887 ...a chunk of Georgian ceramics 564 01:03:10,887 --> 01:03:13,567 ...and a little bell 565 01:03:13,567 --> 01:03:15,567 And you expect us to... 566 01:03:15,567 --> 01:03:19,967 And by the way, if you are so musical, 567 01:03:19,967 --> 01:03:24,007 ...why weren't you in our student orchestra? 568 01:03:24,007 --> 01:03:28,523 Excuse me, Fiddler, but this is nothing but 'koo'! 569 01:03:30,207 --> 01:03:32,243 END OF PART ONE