1 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:18,221 I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant. 2 00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:21,558 It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria. 3 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:26,228 And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur 4 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:31,442 and I said "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her." 5 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,195 And two weeks later we were married. 6 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:37,656 And it's over 50 years later, 7 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,035 and we're still married. 8 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,710 It's very clear 9 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,672 UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO - 1977 10 00:02:50,797 --> 00:02:54,091 Our love is here to stay 11 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,468 - I love you. - I love you. 12 00:02:56,593 --> 00:03:00,472 Not for a year 13 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:04,560 But ever and a day 14 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:11,609 Oh, the radio and the telephone 15 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:15,278 And the movies that we know 16 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:19,241 May just be passing fancies... 17 00:03:31,004 --> 00:03:34,090 Hi, Sally. Sally, this is Harry Burns. 18 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:37,594 - Harry, this is Sally Albright. - Nice to meet you. 19 00:03:37,719 --> 00:03:41,180 - Wanna drive the first shift? - You're there already. You start. 20 00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:43,558 Back's open. 21 00:03:44,476 --> 00:03:47,145 - Call me. - I'll call you as soon as I get there. 22 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:51,358 - Call me from the road. - I'll call you before that. 23 00:03:51,483 --> 00:03:54,610 - I love you. - I love you. 24 00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:00,908 Sorry. 25 00:04:01,034 --> 00:04:03,828 - I miss you already. I miss you already. - I miss you. 26 00:04:03,954 --> 00:04:05,164 - Bye. - Bye. 27 00:04:05,289 --> 00:04:09,042 In time, the Rockies may crumble 28 00:04:09,168 --> 00:04:11,920 Gibraltar may tumble 29 00:04:12,046 --> 00:04:14,173 They only made of clay 30 00:04:14,547 --> 00:04:16,592 But 31 00:04:16,718 --> 00:04:22,014 Our love is here to stay 32 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:28,146 I have it all figured out. It's an 18-hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours. 33 00:04:28,271 --> 00:04:31,940 Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage. 34 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:35,778 There's a... There's a map on the visor 35 00:04:35,903 --> 00:04:39,824 that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts. 36 00:04:39,949 --> 00:04:41,826 Grape? 37 00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:44,454 No. I don't like to eat between meals. 38 00:04:48,833 --> 00:04:51,336 I'll roll down the window. 39 00:04:59,219 --> 00:05:01,971 Why don't you tell me the story of your life? 40 00:05:03,973 --> 00:05:08,185 - The story of my life? - We got 18 hours to kill before New York. 41 00:05:08,310 --> 00:05:12,190 That won't even get us out of Chicago. Nothing's happened to me yet. 42 00:05:12,316 --> 00:05:14,860 - So I'm going to New York. - So something'll happen? 43 00:05:14,985 --> 00:05:16,403 - Yes. - Like what? 44 00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:19,030 Like I'm going to journalism school. 45 00:05:19,155 --> 00:05:23,076 So you can write about things that happen to other people. 46 00:05:23,201 --> 00:05:26,163 - That's one way to look at it. - Suppose nothing happens. 47 00:05:26,288 --> 00:05:30,042 Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything, 48 00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:35,798 then you die and nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hall. 49 00:05:38,342 --> 00:05:41,512 - Amanda said you had a dark side. - That's what drew her to me. 50 00:05:41,637 --> 00:05:44,975 - Your dark side? - Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side? 51 00:05:45,141 --> 00:05:48,812 I know, you probably dot your "i"s with little hearts. 52 00:05:48,936 --> 00:05:51,605 I have just as much of a dark side as the next person. 53 00:05:51,731 --> 00:05:55,276 Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first. 54 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,196 That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends. 55 00:05:58,321 --> 00:06:00,740 That, my friend, is a dark side. 56 00:06:00,865 --> 00:06:05,454 That doesn't mean you're deep. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person. 57 00:06:05,578 --> 00:06:08,164 - So am I. - I don't see anything wrong with that. 58 00:06:08,289 --> 00:06:11,501 No, you're too busy being happy. Ever think about death? 59 00:06:11,626 --> 00:06:13,837 - Yes. - Sure you do. A fleeting thought 60 00:06:13,962 --> 00:06:17,381 that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend days. 61 00:06:17,506 --> 00:06:19,551 And this makes you a better person? 62 00:06:19,676 --> 00:06:23,471 Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not. 63 00:06:23,596 --> 00:06:27,851 In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it. 64 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:38,195 - You're wrong. - I'm not wrong. He wants her to leave. 65 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,491 - That's why he puts her on the plane. - She doesn't want to stay! 66 00:06:41,616 --> 00:06:45,869 Of course she wants to stay! Wouldn't you rather be with Bogart than the other guy? 67 00:06:45,994 --> 00:06:51,166 I don't wanna spend my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. 68 00:06:51,292 --> 00:06:53,752 That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't. 69 00:06:53,877 --> 00:06:57,298 - You'd rather be in a loveless marriage... - And First Lady of Czechoslovakia. 70 00:06:57,423 --> 00:07:00,467 ..than with the man you had the greatest sex of your life with, 71 00:07:00,592 --> 00:07:03,346 just because he owns a bar and that is all he does? 72 00:07:03,471 --> 00:07:04,889 Yes. 73 00:07:05,014 --> 00:07:08,475 And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are practical, 74 00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:13,607 even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie. 75 00:07:16,441 --> 00:07:18,612 I understand. 76 00:07:18,736 --> 00:07:21,198 - What? What? - Nothing. 77 00:07:21,739 --> 00:07:23,699 - What? - Forget about it. 78 00:07:23,825 --> 00:07:26,286 - Forget about what? - It's not important. 79 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,455 No, just tell me. 80 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,916 Obviously you haven't had great sex yet. 81 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:34,293 - Two, please. - Right over there. 82 00:07:34,419 --> 00:07:36,548 - Yes, I have. - No, you haven't. 83 00:07:36,672 --> 00:07:40,383 It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex. 84 00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,030 With whom? 85 00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:04,825 - What? - With whom did you have this great sex? 86 00:08:05,034 --> 00:08:07,077 I'm not gonna tell you that! 87 00:08:07,369 --> 00:08:10,123 Fine. Don't tell me. 88 00:08:14,543 --> 00:08:18,339 - Shel Gordon. - Shel. Sheldon? 89 00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:21,801 No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon. 90 00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:24,637 - I did, too. - No, you didn't. 91 00:08:24,763 --> 00:08:29,225 A Sheldon can do your taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man. 92 00:08:29,351 --> 00:08:32,520 But humpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 93 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:37,317 "Do it to me, Sheldon." "You're an animal, Sheldon." "Ride me, big Sheldon." 94 00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:40,444 - It doesn't work. - Hi. 95 00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:43,032 - What can I get you? - I'll have a number three. 96 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:48,370 The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie á la mode. 97 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:51,790 Chef and apple á la mode. 98 00:08:51,915 --> 00:08:55,586 But I'd like the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side. 99 00:08:55,710 --> 00:09:00,422 I'd like strawberry, if you have it. If not, then whipped cream, but only if it's real. 100 00:09:00,548 --> 00:09:02,258 If it's out of a can, nothing. 101 00:09:02,384 --> 00:09:06,305 - Not even the pie? - No, just the pie, but then not heated. 102 00:09:12,894 --> 00:09:15,689 - What? - Nothin'. Nothin'. 103 00:09:17,983 --> 00:09:21,279 - How come you broke up with Sheldon? - How do you know we broke up? 104 00:09:21,404 --> 00:09:26,700 If you didn't, you wouldn't be with me. You'd be with Shel the Wonder Schlong. 105 00:09:26,825 --> 00:09:30,204 First of all, I am not with you. 106 00:09:30,329 --> 00:09:33,916 And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up. 107 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:37,586 You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know. 108 00:09:40,172 --> 00:09:44,845 Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants. 109 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,180 Sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this. 110 00:09:48,305 --> 00:09:50,851 - Days-of-the-week underpants? - Yes. 111 00:09:50,977 --> 00:09:54,271 They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny. 112 00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:58,025 Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday." 113 00:09:58,150 --> 00:10:01,194 He's all suspicious. Where had I left Sunday? 114 00:10:01,319 --> 00:10:03,488 And I told him and he didn't believe me. 115 00:10:03,947 --> 00:10:06,867 - What? - They don't make Sunday. 116 00:10:06,992 --> 00:10:10,370 - Why not? - Because of God. 117 00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:18,919 OK, so 15 % of my share is 90. 118 00:10:19,629 --> 00:10:21,882 $6.90. 119 00:10:24,593 --> 00:10:27,013 Let's leave seven. 120 00:10:29,806 --> 00:10:31,892 What? 121 00:10:33,310 --> 00:10:35,396 Do I have something on my face? 122 00:10:36,564 --> 00:10:38,690 You're a very attractive person. 123 00:10:40,859 --> 00:10:42,070 Thank you. 124 00:10:42,195 --> 00:10:44,405 Amanda never said how attractive you were. 125 00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:47,200 Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive. 126 00:10:47,324 --> 00:10:52,081 I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive. 127 00:10:53,373 --> 00:10:55,499 Amanda is my friend. 128 00:10:55,624 --> 00:10:57,085 So? 129 00:10:57,210 --> 00:11:00,047 - So you're going with her. - So? 130 00:11:00,171 --> 00:11:02,340 So you're coming on to me! 131 00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:05,426 No, I wasn't. 132 00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:07,638 What? 133 00:11:08,138 --> 00:11:12,059 Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on? 134 00:11:12,184 --> 00:11:13,602 All right, all right. 135 00:11:13,726 --> 00:11:18,398 Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on. 136 00:11:18,523 --> 00:11:22,528 What d'you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back. 137 00:11:22,652 --> 00:11:24,112 You can't take it back. 138 00:11:24,237 --> 00:11:26,906 - Why not? - Because it's already out there. 139 00:11:27,031 --> 00:11:30,493 What are we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there! 140 00:11:30,785 --> 00:11:33,663 Just let it lie. 141 00:11:33,789 --> 00:11:38,543 - OK? - Great! "Let it lie." That's my policy. 142 00:11:38,668 --> 00:11:41,756 That's what I always say: "Let it lie." 143 00:11:41,881 --> 00:11:43,633 Wanna spend the night in a motel? 144 00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:45,801 - See? I didn't let it lie. - Harry. 145 00:11:45,926 --> 00:11:47,970 I said I would, then I didn't. 146 00:11:48,095 --> 00:11:49,722 - Harry! - What? 147 00:11:49,847 --> 00:11:52,267 We are just going to be friends, OK? 148 00:11:52,392 --> 00:11:55,019 Great! Friends! It's the best thing. 149 00:11:56,479 --> 00:11:59,274 You realise that we could never be friends. 150 00:11:59,399 --> 00:12:02,151 - Why not? - What I'm saying is, 151 00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:05,238 and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, 152 00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:10,285 is that men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way. 153 00:12:11,785 --> 00:12:16,123 That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. 154 00:12:16,248 --> 00:12:17,375 - You don't. - I do. 155 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:18,709 - You don't. - I do! 156 00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:20,086 You only think you do. 157 00:12:20,211 --> 00:12:22,464 I have sex with them without my knowledge? 158 00:12:22,589 --> 00:12:25,926 No, they all wanna have sex with you. 159 00:12:26,052 --> 00:12:27,636 - They do not. - Do, too. 160 00:12:27,844 --> 00:12:29,763 - They do not. - Do, too. 161 00:12:29,888 --> 00:12:30,888 How do you know? 162 00:12:31,013 --> 00:12:34,142 No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. 163 00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,979 He always wants to have sex with her. 164 00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:41,232 So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive. 165 00:12:41,525 --> 00:12:44,403 No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too. 166 00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:48,157 What if they don't wanna have sex? 167 00:12:48,282 --> 00:12:53,787 Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed. 168 00:12:54,704 --> 00:12:57,458 - I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not. 169 00:12:57,582 --> 00:12:59,543 That's too bad. 170 00:12:59,669 --> 00:13:02,587 You were the only person that I knew in New York. 171 00:13:02,712 --> 00:13:06,341 You say ee-ther, I say either 172 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:10,262 You say nee-ther and I say neither 173 00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:12,139 Ee-ther, either 174 00:13:12,265 --> 00:13:14,142 And nee-ther, neither 175 00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:17,478 Let's call the whole thing off 176 00:13:17,603 --> 00:13:22,067 Yes, you like potato and I like pot-ahto 177 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:25,986 You like tomato, I like tom-ahto 178 00:13:26,112 --> 00:13:27,988 Potato, pot-ahto 179 00:13:28,114 --> 00:13:30,116 Tomato, tom-ahto 180 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,285 Let's call the whole thing off 181 00:13:41,335 --> 00:13:45,172 - Thanks for the ride. - Yeah. It was interesting. 182 00:13:45,297 --> 00:13:48,385 - It was nice knowing you. - Yeah. 183 00:13:57,394 --> 00:14:01,230 - Well, have a nice life. - You, too. 184 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,068 You like potato and I like pot-ahto 185 00:14:05,193 --> 00:14:09,156 You like tomato, I like tom-ahto 186 00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:11,116 Potato, pot-ahto 187 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,285 Tomato, tom-ahto 188 00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:16,413 Let's call the whole thing off 189 00:14:18,915 --> 00:14:22,919 - We fell in love in high school. - Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts. 190 00:14:23,045 --> 00:14:26,298 But then after our junior year his parents moved away. 191 00:14:26,423 --> 00:14:30,553 - But I never forgot her. - He never forgot me. 192 00:14:30,677 --> 00:14:34,057 No, her face was burned on my brain. 193 00:14:34,182 --> 00:14:37,809 And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway 194 00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,063 and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's. 195 00:14:40,188 --> 00:14:42,066 We both looked at each other, 196 00:14:42,191 --> 00:14:46,568 and it was just as though not a single day had gone by. 197 00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:50,699 She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen. 198 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,076 He was just the same. 199 00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:55,453 He looked exactly the same. 200 00:15:00,374 --> 00:15:03,629 FIVE YEARS LATER 201 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,823 Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you. 202 00:15:30,948 --> 00:15:32,991 - Harry Burns. - Harry. How ya doin'? 203 00:15:33,117 --> 00:15:36,162 - Good. How you doin'? - Fine. I'm doin' fine. 204 00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:38,664 I was just walking by and I thought it was you. 205 00:15:38,789 --> 00:15:40,374 Yeah, it was. 206 00:15:40,499 --> 00:15:44,587 - You still with the DA's office? - No, I switched to the other side. You? 207 00:15:44,712 --> 00:15:49,133 I work with a small firm. We do political consulting. Yeah, it's great. 208 00:15:50,635 --> 00:15:53,929 Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns. 209 00:15:54,178 --> 00:15:57,142 Harry and I, we used to... We lived in the same building. 210 00:16:00,687 --> 00:16:04,773 Well, listen, I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you, Joe. Bye. 211 00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:15,409 Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove to New York with him five years ago 212 00:16:15,534 --> 00:16:18,537 and it was the longest night of my life. 213 00:16:20,082 --> 00:16:23,000 - What happened? - He made a pass at me. When I said no: 214 00:16:23,126 --> 00:16:26,212 he was going with a girlfriend of mine... 215 00:16:27,130 --> 00:16:30,216 Oh, God. I can't remember her name. 216 00:16:30,341 --> 00:16:34,304 Don't get involved with me. I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl 217 00:16:34,430 --> 00:16:38,308 I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend. 218 00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:40,477 - So what happened? - When? 219 00:16:40,602 --> 00:16:43,814 When he made a pass, you said no... 220 00:16:43,939 --> 00:16:46,567 I said we could just be friends. 221 00:16:46,692 --> 00:16:52,113 And this part I remember. He said men and women could never really be friends. 222 00:16:52,239 --> 00:16:54,450 Do you think that's true? 223 00:16:55,326 --> 00:16:56,535 No. 224 00:16:56,786 --> 00:16:59,455 Do you have any women friends, just friends? 225 00:17:00,246 --> 00:17:01,664 No. 226 00:17:01,873 --> 00:17:04,836 But I will get one if it's important to you. 227 00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:08,798 Amanda Reese! 228 00:17:08,922 --> 00:17:11,217 That was her name. Thank God. 229 00:17:11,342 --> 00:17:14,971 I will miss you. I love you. 230 00:17:15,513 --> 00:17:19,017 - You do? - Yes. 231 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,312 I love you. 232 00:17:45,836 --> 00:17:48,380 - What would you like to drink? - Nothing, thanks. 233 00:17:48,504 --> 00:17:50,507 - D'you have any Bloody Mary mix? - Yes. 234 00:17:50,632 --> 00:17:55,679 No, wait. Here's what I want. Regular tomato juice, fill it up three quarters, 235 00:17:55,804 --> 00:18:00,559 then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash - and some lime on the side. 236 00:18:00,684 --> 00:18:02,936 The University of Chicago, right? 237 00:18:04,188 --> 00:18:07,732 - Yes. - Did you look this good at university? 238 00:18:07,857 --> 00:18:10,277 - No. - Did we ever...? 239 00:18:10,402 --> 00:18:12,447 No. No! 240 00:18:13,239 --> 00:18:17,284 We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation. 241 00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:20,997 - Would you two like to sit together? - Great! Thank you. 242 00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:29,464 You were a good friend of... 243 00:18:30,255 --> 00:18:33,719 Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name. 244 00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:36,346 What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice. 245 00:18:36,472 --> 00:18:39,139 - Reese. - Reese, right. What happened to her? 246 00:18:39,390 --> 00:18:41,976 - I have no idea. - You have no idea?! 247 00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:45,773 You were friends. We didn't make it because you were such good friends. 248 00:18:45,897 --> 00:18:47,775 - You went with her! - Was it worth it? 249 00:18:47,899 --> 00:18:50,402 The sacrifice, for a friend you no longer see? 250 00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:52,820 Harry, you might not believe this, 251 00:18:52,945 --> 00:18:56,867 but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice. 252 00:18:57,117 --> 00:18:59,953 Fair enough. Fair enough. 253 00:19:03,165 --> 00:19:05,334 - You wanted to be a gymnast. - Journalist. 254 00:19:05,459 --> 00:19:09,171 - That's what I said. And? - I am a journalist. I work at The News. 255 00:19:09,296 --> 00:19:11,632 Great. And you're with Joe. 256 00:19:11,757 --> 00:19:14,510 Well, that's great. Great. 257 00:19:14,635 --> 00:19:17,513 You're together, what, three weeks? 258 00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:21,559 - A month. How did you know? - You take someone to the airport, 259 00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:27,439 it's the beginning of a relationship. That is why I never do that at the beginning. 260 00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:30,275 - Why? - Because eventually things move on 261 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:33,654 and you don't take someone. I never wanted anyone to say 262 00:19:33,779 --> 00:19:37,325 "How come you never take me to the airport any more?" 263 00:19:37,450 --> 00:19:42,414 It's amazing. You look normal, but actually you are the Angel of Death. 264 00:19:42,539 --> 00:19:44,708 Are you gonna marry him? 265 00:19:45,708 --> 00:19:50,546 We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now. 266 00:19:50,672 --> 00:19:52,425 I'm getting married. 267 00:19:52,550 --> 00:19:54,718 You are? 268 00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:57,095 - You are? - Yeah. 269 00:19:57,804 --> 00:20:01,974 - Who is she? - Helen Hillson. She's keeping her name. 270 00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:05,730 - You're getting married. - Yeah. 271 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,691 What's so funny about that? 272 00:20:11,151 --> 00:20:14,155 It's just... It's just so optimistic of you, Harry. 273 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:17,198 You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you. 274 00:20:17,324 --> 00:20:20,745 Well, it's wonderful. It's nice to see you embracing life. 275 00:20:20,869 --> 00:20:24,957 Yeah. Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing. 276 00:20:25,082 --> 00:20:28,544 - What whole thing? - The whole "life of a single guy" thing. 277 00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,923 You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide to move on to dinner. 278 00:20:33,048 --> 00:20:36,343 You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite, 279 00:20:36,927 --> 00:20:41,015 go back to her place, have sex, and then you know what goes through your mind? 280 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,727 "How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?" 281 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,896 "Is 30 seconds enough?" 282 00:20:47,021 --> 00:20:49,858 That's what you're thinking? Is that true? 283 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,361 Sure. All men think that. 284 00:20:52,526 --> 00:20:55,738 How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right? 285 00:20:56,072 --> 00:21:00,327 That's the problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem. 286 00:21:00,451 --> 00:21:02,913 - I don't have a problem. - Yeah, you do. 287 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,473 - Staying over? - Yes. 288 00:21:20,639 --> 00:21:24,226 Would you like to have dinner? Just friends. 289 00:21:24,392 --> 00:21:26,770 You don't believe men and women can be friends. 290 00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:29,231 - When did I say that? - On the ride to New York. 291 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:31,566 No, no, no, no, I never said that. 292 00:21:32,234 --> 00:21:35,987 Yes, that's right. They can't be friends. 293 00:21:36,154 --> 00:21:40,701 Unless both are involved with someone. Then they can. I amend the earlier rule. 294 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:46,206 If two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. 295 00:21:46,331 --> 00:21:49,584 That doesn't work either. The person you're with can't see 296 00:21:49,711 --> 00:21:52,171 why you need to be friends with the person, 297 00:21:52,296 --> 00:21:55,800 like it means something is missing from the relationship. 298 00:21:55,925 --> 00:21:59,679 Then when you say "No, nothing is missing", the person you're with 299 00:21:59,846 --> 00:22:03,766 accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with, 300 00:22:03,932 --> 00:22:06,686 which you probably are. I mean, let's face it. 301 00:22:06,812 --> 00:22:09,188 So we're back to the rule before the amendment: 302 00:22:09,355 --> 00:22:12,108 men and women can't be friends. Where's it leave us? 303 00:22:12,233 --> 00:22:13,651 - Harry. - What? 304 00:22:13,776 --> 00:22:15,736 Goodbye. 305 00:22:15,903 --> 00:22:17,697 OK. 306 00:22:24,537 --> 00:22:27,458 I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead. 307 00:22:31,502 --> 00:22:33,629 We were married 40 years ago. 308 00:22:33,755 --> 00:22:37,425 We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie. 309 00:22:37,593 --> 00:22:40,136 - First you lived with Barbara. - Right, Barbara. 310 00:22:40,262 --> 00:22:42,806 But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie. 311 00:22:42,931 --> 00:22:46,100 - Then you got a divorce. - Right. Then I married Katie. 312 00:22:46,267 --> 00:22:47,894 Another divorce. 313 00:22:48,019 --> 00:22:52,983 Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her. 314 00:22:53,108 --> 00:22:55,819 I was with some girl I don't even remember. 315 00:22:55,944 --> 00:22:58,697 - Roberta. - Right. Roberta. 316 00:22:58,822 --> 00:23:01,200 But I couldn't take my eyes off you. 317 00:23:01,367 --> 00:23:04,620 I remember I snuck over to her and I said... 318 00:23:04,787 --> 00:23:07,873 - What did I say? - You said "What are you doin' after?" 319 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:12,587 Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married. 320 00:23:12,754 --> 00:23:15,839 35 years to the day after our first marriage. 321 00:23:19,385 --> 00:23:21,096 - I went through his pockets. - Marie, why? 322 00:23:21,221 --> 00:23:22,389 FIVE YEARS LATER 323 00:23:22,554 --> 00:23:25,100 - You know what I found? - No, what? 324 00:23:25,225 --> 00:23:29,354 They just bought a dining-room table. His wife just spent $1 ,600 on a table. 325 00:23:29,521 --> 00:23:32,356 - Where? - The point isn't where, Alice. 326 00:23:32,481 --> 00:23:34,609 The point is he's never gonna leave her. 327 00:23:34,734 --> 00:23:37,279 What else is new? You've known this for two years. 328 00:23:37,529 --> 00:23:39,906 You're right. I know you're right. 329 00:23:40,031 --> 00:23:44,160 Can't you find someone single? When I was single I knew lots of nice single men. 330 00:23:44,285 --> 00:23:46,955 There must be someone. Sally found someone. 331 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,374 Sally got the last good one. 332 00:23:49,499 --> 00:23:51,377 - Joe and I broke up. - What? 333 00:23:51,502 --> 00:23:53,044 - When? - Monday. 334 00:23:53,211 --> 00:23:55,422 - You waited three days? - Joe's available? 335 00:23:55,547 --> 00:23:59,760 For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings? She's obviously upset. 336 00:23:59,885 --> 00:24:02,887 I'm not that upset. We'd been growing apart for a while. 337 00:24:03,012 --> 00:24:04,472 But you were a couple. 338 00:24:04,597 --> 00:24:08,351 You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays! 339 00:24:08,561 --> 00:24:12,148 I said to myself "You deserve more than this. You're 31 ..." 340 00:24:12,273 --> 00:24:16,651 - And the clock is ticking. - No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36. 341 00:24:16,776 --> 00:24:19,031 God, you're in such great shape. 342 00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:23,325 Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK. 343 00:24:23,492 --> 00:24:25,702 Good. Then you're ready. 344 00:24:27,204 --> 00:24:30,374 - Really, Marie! - Well, how else do you think you do it? 345 00:24:30,499 --> 00:24:34,170 I've got the perfect guy. I don't find him attractive, but you might. 346 00:24:34,336 --> 00:24:36,381 She doesn't have a problem with chins. 347 00:24:36,548 --> 00:24:40,259 - Marie, I'm not ready yet. - But you just said you were over him. 348 00:24:40,426 --> 00:24:43,847 I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period. 349 00:24:46,557 --> 00:24:48,852 - Who is it? - Alex Anderson. 350 00:24:50,353 --> 00:24:52,813 You fixed me up with him six years ago. 351 00:24:52,980 --> 00:24:55,442 Sorry. God. 352 00:24:55,609 --> 00:24:58,070 All right, wait. Here. Here we go. 353 00:24:58,236 --> 00:25:01,781 - Ken Darman. - He's been married for over a year. 354 00:25:01,989 --> 00:25:04,159 Really? 355 00:25:04,326 --> 00:25:06,328 Married. 356 00:25:06,578 --> 00:25:08,579 - Wait. Wait, I got one. - Look, 357 00:25:08,746 --> 00:25:13,209 there is no point going out with someone I might like if I met him at the right time, 358 00:25:13,377 --> 00:25:17,047 but who right now would just be a transitional man. 359 00:25:17,214 --> 00:25:21,844 OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw? 360 00:25:21,968 --> 00:25:26,681 His wife left him and everyone said "Give him some time. Don't move in too fast." 361 00:25:26,891 --> 00:25:29,268 Six months later he was dead. 362 00:25:29,519 --> 00:25:33,105 Are you saying I should marry quickly in case he's about to die? 363 00:25:33,271 --> 00:25:35,691 At least you could say you were married. 364 00:25:35,857 --> 00:25:41,196 I'm saying that the right man is out there. If you don't grab him, someone else will, 365 00:25:41,364 --> 00:25:47,035 and you'll spend your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband. 366 00:25:50,289 --> 00:25:52,500 Ten! Hut! 367 00:26:06,973 --> 00:26:10,893 - When did this happen? - Friday. Helen comes home from work 368 00:26:11,061 --> 00:26:14,480 and she says "I don't know if I wanna be married any more." 369 00:26:14,648 --> 00:26:20,153 Like it's the institution. Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about. 370 00:26:20,278 --> 00:26:24,867 I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to think about it? Don't rush into anything." 371 00:26:25,034 --> 00:26:28,162 - Yeah, right. - Next day she says she's thought about it. 372 00:26:28,328 --> 00:26:31,706 She wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it. 373 00:26:31,873 --> 00:26:35,170 But we can still date - like this is supposed to cushion the blow. 374 00:26:35,335 --> 00:26:39,465 I got married so I could stop dating, so still dating is not a big incentive 375 00:26:39,631 --> 00:26:43,261 since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife, who should love you. 376 00:26:43,428 --> 00:26:47,056 Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't. 377 00:26:47,222 --> 00:26:49,975 So I say to her "Don't you love me any more?" 378 00:26:50,142 --> 00:26:53,561 D'you know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you." 379 00:26:53,728 --> 00:26:57,775 That's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away. 380 00:26:57,901 --> 00:27:00,861 - Thanks, Jess. - No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue. 381 00:27:01,028 --> 00:27:02,613 That's particularly harsh. 382 00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:06,034 Then she says someone in her office is going to South America 383 00:27:06,201 --> 00:27:10,789 and she can sublet his apartment. I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings. 384 00:27:10,954 --> 00:27:15,334 "I can sublet his apartment" - the words still hang in the air like in a balloon... 385 00:27:15,501 --> 00:27:17,087 - Like a cartoon. - Right. 386 00:27:17,253 --> 00:27:22,175 So I go to the door and there are moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. 387 00:27:22,343 --> 00:27:26,053 I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything. 388 00:27:26,221 --> 00:27:29,016 So I ask the movers "When did this woman book you?" 389 00:27:29,183 --> 00:27:34,229 And they're three huge guys. One with a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero." 390 00:27:34,397 --> 00:27:39,902 So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago." 391 00:27:40,068 --> 00:27:43,239 I said "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?" 392 00:27:43,364 --> 00:27:46,741 And she says "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday." 393 00:27:49,077 --> 00:27:52,207 Mr Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you? 394 00:27:52,332 --> 00:27:54,290 - Mr Zero knew. - I can't believe this! 395 00:27:54,416 --> 00:27:58,796 - I haven't told you the bad part yet. - What's worse than Mr Zero knowing? 396 00:27:58,921 --> 00:28:00,964 It's all a lie. 397 00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:05,720 She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney. 398 00:28:05,845 --> 00:28:09,849 - She moved in with him. - How did you find out? 399 00:28:09,974 --> 00:28:12,268 I followed her. Stood outside the building. 400 00:28:12,393 --> 00:28:15,188 - That's so humiliating! - Tell me about it. 401 00:28:15,395 --> 00:28:19,775 And, you know, I knew. I knew that even though we were happy, it was an illusion. 402 00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:22,403 And that one day she'd kick the shit outta me. 403 00:28:22,528 --> 00:28:27,867 Marriages don't break up due to infidelity. It's a symptom something else is wrong. 404 00:28:28,201 --> 00:28:31,162 Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife! 405 00:28:35,542 --> 00:28:38,878 So I just happened to see his American Express bill. 406 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,132 What do you mean "just happened" to see it? 407 00:28:42,506 --> 00:28:46,219 Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase. 408 00:28:46,344 --> 00:28:48,972 What if he came out and saw you? 409 00:28:49,097 --> 00:28:51,975 You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found. 410 00:28:52,100 --> 00:28:57,272 He just spent $1 20 on a new nightgown for his wife. 411 00:28:58,565 --> 00:29:03,236 - I don't think he's ever gonna leave her. - No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her. 412 00:29:03,362 --> 00:29:06,865 You're right, you're right. I know you're right. 413 00:29:21,631 --> 00:29:25,342 Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth. 414 00:29:27,969 --> 00:29:31,474 I know him. You'd like him. He's married. 415 00:29:32,350 --> 00:29:36,396 - Who is he? - Harry Burns. He's a political consultant. 416 00:29:36,646 --> 00:29:38,230 He's cute. 417 00:29:38,356 --> 00:29:41,734 - You think he's cute? - How do you know he's married? 418 00:29:41,859 --> 00:29:44,028 Last time I saw him he was getting married. 419 00:29:44,154 --> 00:29:47,240 - When was that? - Six years ago. 420 00:29:47,364 --> 00:29:50,326 So he might not be married any more. 421 00:29:50,451 --> 00:29:52,413 Also, he's obnoxious. 422 00:29:52,537 --> 00:29:56,791 It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man",... 423 00:29:56,916 --> 00:30:00,128 - "The most contemptible". - ..then they fall madly in love. 424 00:30:00,252 --> 00:30:03,756 - Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright. 425 00:30:05,634 --> 00:30:07,761 - Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you. 426 00:30:07,886 --> 00:30:10,514 It is. This is Marie. 427 00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:13,809 Was Marie. 428 00:30:13,934 --> 00:30:15,978 - How are you? - Fine. 429 00:30:16,103 --> 00:30:18,939 - How's Joe? - Fine. 430 00:30:19,063 --> 00:30:21,191 I hear he's fine. 431 00:30:21,316 --> 00:30:24,736 - You're not with Joe any more? - We just broke up. 432 00:30:26,196 --> 00:30:28,408 I'm sorry. That's too bad. 433 00:30:29,284 --> 00:30:31,869 Yeah. Well, you know. 434 00:30:31,994 --> 00:30:33,411 Yeah. 435 00:30:33,537 --> 00:30:35,581 So... 436 00:30:35,706 --> 00:30:37,709 - What about you? - I'm fine. 437 00:30:37,833 --> 00:30:39,877 How's married life? 438 00:30:41,003 --> 00:30:42,756 I'm getting a divorce. 439 00:30:44,215 --> 00:30:48,010 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 440 00:30:48,678 --> 00:30:51,514 Yeah, well, what're you gonna do? 441 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,265 What happened with you guys? 442 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,603 When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing. 443 00:30:57,729 --> 00:31:02,025 We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married 444 00:31:02,150 --> 00:31:06,237 it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. 445 00:31:06,363 --> 00:31:10,033 It's true. That's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. 446 00:31:10,158 --> 00:31:15,747 I would sit with my girlfriends who have kids... my one girlfriend with kids, Alice, 447 00:31:15,871 --> 00:31:20,042 and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more. 448 00:31:20,168 --> 00:31:23,588 She didn't even complain about it. She said it matter-of-factly. 449 00:31:23,713 --> 00:31:27,217 She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted, 450 00:31:27,342 --> 00:31:31,053 the kids took every sexual impulse they had out of them. 451 00:31:32,638 --> 00:31:37,478 Joe and I would say "We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship." 452 00:31:37,603 --> 00:31:41,857 "We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in." 453 00:31:41,981 --> 00:31:45,819 "We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice." 454 00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:50,156 Then one day I was taking Alice's girl for the afternoon 455 00:31:50,282 --> 00:31:55,871 cos I promised to take her to the circus. We were in the cab playing I-spy. 456 00:31:55,996 --> 00:31:58,667 "I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost". 457 00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:02,919 And she looked out the window and she saw this man and woman 458 00:32:03,044 --> 00:32:07,384 with these two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders. 459 00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:10,803 And she said "I spy a family." 460 00:32:12,179 --> 00:32:16,516 And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. 461 00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:20,647 And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe, 462 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:23,900 we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice." 463 00:32:24,191 --> 00:32:25,860 And the kitchen floor...? 464 00:32:26,486 --> 00:32:31,199 Not once. It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile. 465 00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:35,078 Anyway, 466 00:32:35,202 --> 00:32:40,625 we talked about it for a long time. I said "This is what I want" and he said "I don't". 467 00:32:40,751 --> 00:32:44,046 And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left. 468 00:32:46,964 --> 00:32:50,887 And the thing is, I... I feel really fine. 469 00:32:51,012 --> 00:32:54,264 I am over him. I mean, I really am over him. 470 00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:57,602 That was it for him. That was the most that he could give. 471 00:32:57,726 --> 00:33:02,815 And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced I did the right thing. 472 00:33:02,940 --> 00:33:05,318 Boy, you sound really healthy. 473 00:33:05,443 --> 00:33:06,986 Yeah. 474 00:33:07,403 --> 00:33:10,781 - At least I got the apartment. - That's what everybody says to me. 475 00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:15,786 But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? You read the obituary column. 476 00:33:15,911 --> 00:33:19,540 You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman. 477 00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:23,794 It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the real-estate section. 478 00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:27,174 Then you have "Mr Klein died, leaving a wife, two children 479 00:33:27,299 --> 00:33:32,178 and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace." 480 00:33:34,514 --> 00:33:37,559 The first time we met I really didn't like you that much. 481 00:33:37,684 --> 00:33:39,519 - I didn't like you. - Yeah, you did. 482 00:33:39,645 --> 00:33:43,064 You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now. 483 00:33:43,189 --> 00:33:47,236 I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult. 484 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,488 OK, you're still as hard as nails. 485 00:33:49,613 --> 00:33:53,199 I didn't wanna sleep with you so you wrote it off as a character flaw, 486 00:33:53,324 --> 00:33:58,748 instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you. 487 00:33:58,873 --> 00:34:02,376 What's the statute of limitations on apologies? 488 00:34:03,543 --> 00:34:07,172 - Ten years. - I can just get it in under the wire. 489 00:34:11,928 --> 00:34:14,639 Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? 490 00:34:15,098 --> 00:34:17,598 Are we becoming friends now? 491 00:34:19,058 --> 00:34:20,895 Well... 492 00:34:22,063 --> 00:34:23,355 Yeah. 493 00:34:24,982 --> 00:34:27,651 Great! A woman friend. 494 00:34:28,862 --> 00:34:33,908 You may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life. 495 00:34:34,034 --> 00:34:36,369 That's wonderful, Harry. 496 00:34:37,745 --> 00:34:40,831 - We were born in the same hospital,... - ln 1921 . 497 00:34:40,956 --> 00:34:43,502 - ..seven days apart. - ln the same hospital. 498 00:34:43,627 --> 00:34:46,754 - We both grew up one block apart. - We lived in tenements. 499 00:34:46,879 --> 00:34:49,757 - On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street. 500 00:34:49,883 --> 00:34:52,968 - I moved to the Bronx when I was ten. - He lived on Fordham Road. 501 00:34:53,093 --> 00:34:56,056 - She moved when she was 1 1 . - I lived on 183rd Street. 502 00:34:56,181 --> 00:35:01,436 - She worked on the 1 5th floor as a nurse. - I worked for a prominent neurologist,... 503 00:35:01,561 --> 00:35:04,607 - I had a practice on the 14th floor. - ..Dr Permelman. 504 00:35:04,732 --> 00:35:07,109 - We never met. - Never met. 505 00:35:07,234 --> 00:35:10,904 - Can you imagine that? - D'you know where we met? An elevator. 506 00:35:11,030 --> 00:35:13,908 - I was visiting family. - ln the Ambassador Hotel. 507 00:35:14,033 --> 00:35:16,701 He was on the third floor, I was on the 1 2th. 508 00:35:16,826 --> 00:35:20,455 I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her. 509 00:35:20,581 --> 00:35:23,041 Nine extra floors. 510 00:35:33,218 --> 00:35:35,846 - Hello. - You sleeping? 511 00:35:35,971 --> 00:35:38,724 - No, I was watching "Casablanca". - Channel? 512 00:35:38,849 --> 00:35:41,561 - Eleven. - Thank you. Got it. 513 00:35:41,977 --> 00:35:45,773 So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart? 514 00:35:45,898 --> 00:35:48,983 - When did I say that? - When we drove to New York. 515 00:35:49,110 --> 00:35:53,572 - I never said that. I'd never say that. - All right, fine. Have it your way. 516 00:35:55,449 --> 00:35:57,576 - Have you been sleeping? - Why? 517 00:35:57,702 --> 00:36:01,622 Cos I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen. 518 00:36:02,999 --> 00:36:08,295 Maybe I'm coming down with something. I watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish. 519 00:36:08,504 --> 00:36:12,300 "Buenos días, Seòor Cleaver. ?Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?" 520 00:36:12,427 --> 00:36:13,635 I'm not well. 521 00:36:13,802 --> 00:36:17,723 I went to bed at 7.30. I haven't done that since third grade. 522 00:36:17,847 --> 00:36:20,892 That's the good thing about depression - you rest. 523 00:36:21,017 --> 00:36:24,104 - I'm not depressed. - OK. Fine. 524 00:36:24,354 --> 00:36:27,107 Do you still sleep on the same side ofthe bed? 525 00:36:27,232 --> 00:36:29,818 I did for a while, but now I'm using the whole bed. 526 00:36:29,944 --> 00:36:34,906 God, that's great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over. 527 00:36:35,782 --> 00:36:37,868 I miss her. 528 00:36:37,993 --> 00:36:41,580 - I don't miss him. I really don't. - Not even a little? 529 00:36:41,705 --> 00:36:43,749 You know what I miss? 530 00:36:43,874 --> 00:36:46,169 I miss the idea ofhim. 531 00:36:47,836 --> 00:36:50,298 Maybe I only miss the idea ofHelen. 532 00:36:51,131 --> 00:36:53,592 No, I miss the whole Helen. 533 00:36:56,429 --> 00:36:58,514 Last scene. 534 00:37:01,683 --> 00:37:04,687 Goodbye, Rick. God bless you. 535 00:37:05,646 --> 00:37:08,608 lngrid Bergman. She's low maintenance. 536 00:37:08,733 --> 00:37:11,319 - Low maintenance? - There are two kinds of women. 537 00:37:11,444 --> 00:37:15,739 - High maintenance and low maintenance. - And lngrid is low maintenance? 538 00:37:15,864 --> 00:37:17,783 An LM, definitely. 539 00:37:17,908 --> 00:37:19,952 - Which one am I? - The worst kind. 540 00:37:20,078 --> 00:37:22,872 You're high maintenance, but you think you're low. 541 00:37:22,997 --> 00:37:25,166 - I don't see that. - You don't see that? 542 00:37:25,291 --> 00:37:28,378 "Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing." 543 00:37:28,503 --> 00:37:30,923 "I'll have balsamic vinegar - on the side." 544 00:37:31,048 --> 00:37:34,468 "Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side." 545 00:37:34,592 --> 00:37:38,429 - "On the side" is a big thing for you. - I just want it the way I want it. 546 00:37:38,554 --> 00:37:40,599 I know. High maintenance. 547 00:37:40,766 --> 00:37:43,852 .. 10,000F should pay our expenses. 548 00:37:43,977 --> 00:37:46,020 Our expenses? 549 00:37:46,145 --> 00:37:50,525 Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 550 00:37:51,944 --> 00:37:55,197 Best last line of a movie ever. 551 00:37:58,117 --> 00:38:02,621 I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a 24-hour tumour. 552 00:38:02,746 --> 00:38:04,916 - You don't have a tumour. - How do you know? 553 00:38:05,041 --> 00:38:10,087 - If you're so worried, go see a doctor. - No, he'll just tell me it's nothing. 554 00:38:10,212 --> 00:38:12,756 - Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be OK. 555 00:38:12,881 --> 00:38:16,135 - What'll you do? - I'll stay up and moan. 556 00:38:16,260 --> 00:38:19,139 Maybe I should practise now. 557 00:38:24,517 --> 00:38:27,063 Good night, Harry. 558 00:38:27,188 --> 00:38:29,232 Good night. 559 00:39:04,852 --> 00:39:08,938 I had my dream again - where I'm making love and Olympic judges are watching? 560 00:39:09,064 --> 00:39:11,942 I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it: the finals. 561 00:39:12,068 --> 00:39:15,528 I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American, 562 00:39:15,653 --> 00:39:19,200 and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. 563 00:39:19,324 --> 00:39:21,619 Must've been the dismount. 564 00:39:21,995 --> 00:39:24,955 Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 1 2. 565 00:39:25,081 --> 00:39:27,833 - What happens? - No, it's... It's too embarrassing. 566 00:39:27,958 --> 00:39:30,335 - Don't tell me. - OK, there's this guy. 567 00:39:30,460 --> 00:39:34,132 - What's he look like? - I don't know. He's just kinda faceless. 568 00:39:34,257 --> 00:39:37,552 A faceless guy. OK. Then what happens? 569 00:39:37,676 --> 00:39:39,762 He rips off my clothes. 570 00:39:39,887 --> 00:39:43,934 - Then what happens? - That's it. 571 00:39:44,727 --> 00:39:47,645 That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes. 572 00:39:47,771 --> 00:39:52,024 And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12. Exactly the same? 573 00:39:52,149 --> 00:39:54,902 Well, sometimes I vary it a little. 574 00:39:55,027 --> 00:39:57,490 - Which part? - What I'm wearing. 575 00:40:02,703 --> 00:40:04,996 - What? - Nothing. 576 00:40:06,874 --> 00:40:10,502 I have decided that for today 577 00:40:10,627 --> 00:40:13,255 we are going to talk like this. 578 00:40:13,380 --> 00:40:16,633 - Like this? - No. To repeat after me. 579 00:40:16,758 --> 00:40:17,843 - Pepper. - Pepper. 580 00:40:17,968 --> 00:40:18,927 - Pepper. - Pepper! 581 00:40:19,053 --> 00:40:19,887 - Pepper. - Pepper. 582 00:40:20,012 --> 00:40:20,721 - Pepper. - Pepper. 583 00:40:20,846 --> 00:40:25,015 Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. 584 00:40:25,726 --> 00:40:30,106 Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. 585 00:40:30,272 --> 00:40:33,567 But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie. 586 00:40:33,693 --> 00:40:35,361 Oh, no! 587 00:40:35,485 --> 00:40:37,530 - But I would be proud. - But I would be proud. 588 00:40:37,655 --> 00:40:38,823 - To partake. - To partake. 589 00:40:38,948 --> 00:40:41,950 - Of your pecan pie. - Of your pecan pie. 590 00:40:42,076 --> 00:40:43,703 - Pecan pie. - Pecan pie. 591 00:40:43,829 --> 00:40:47,497 - Pecan pie. - Pecan pie! 592 00:40:47,664 --> 00:40:51,170 - Would you like to go to the movies? - Would you like to go... 593 00:40:51,295 --> 00:40:57,258 Not to repeat. Please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies tonight? 594 00:40:59,385 --> 00:41:01,429 Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't. 595 00:41:01,721 --> 00:41:04,641 What do you have? A hot date? 596 00:41:04,891 --> 00:41:07,310 - Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really? 597 00:41:07,436 --> 00:41:11,689 Yeah. I was gonna tell you, but, I don't know, I felt strange about it. 598 00:41:11,856 --> 00:41:14,359 - Why? - Cos we've spent so much time together. 599 00:41:14,485 --> 00:41:17,153 I think it's great that you have a date. 600 00:41:17,279 --> 00:41:19,322 - You do? - Yeah. 601 00:41:25,913 --> 00:41:28,791 - Is that what you're gonna wear? - Yeah. 602 00:41:28,916 --> 00:41:32,001 Well, I don't know. Why? 603 00:41:32,418 --> 00:41:36,131 I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts. 604 00:41:36,257 --> 00:41:38,842 - I do? - Yeah. 605 00:41:40,343 --> 00:41:45,473 I think hieroglyphics are really a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy. 606 00:41:45,599 --> 00:41:49,186 - Harry, you should get out there, too. - I'm not ready. 607 00:41:49,311 --> 00:41:52,814 - You should. - I would not be good for anybody now. 608 00:41:52,939 --> 00:41:54,691 It's time. 609 00:41:54,983 --> 00:41:58,196 It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. 610 00:41:58,321 --> 00:42:00,364 See, no, it has to go this way. 611 00:42:01,490 --> 00:42:04,327 The first date back is always the toughest, Harry. 612 00:42:04,452 --> 00:42:06,496 You only had one date. 613 00:42:06,621 --> 00:42:10,041 - How do you know it won't get worse? - How much worse can it get 614 00:42:10,165 --> 00:42:15,713 than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it? 615 00:42:15,838 --> 00:42:18,716 We're talking dream date compared to my horror. 616 00:42:18,841 --> 00:42:22,388 It started out fine. She's a very nice person. 617 00:42:22,512 --> 00:42:26,223 And we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to. 618 00:42:26,349 --> 00:42:29,769 I was making jokes, like "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia." 619 00:42:29,894 --> 00:42:33,648 "This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave." 620 00:42:33,773 --> 00:42:36,068 Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile. 621 00:42:36,193 --> 00:42:39,445 I downshift into small talk and ask where she went to school. 622 00:42:39,570 --> 00:42:42,783 She says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen. 623 00:42:42,992 --> 00:42:46,161 All of a sudden I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack - 624 00:42:46,286 --> 00:42:49,289 my heart's beatin' fast and I start sweatin' like a pig. 625 00:42:49,414 --> 00:42:52,376 - Helen went to Michigan State? - No, Northwestern. 626 00:42:52,502 --> 00:42:54,754 But they're both Big Ten schools. 627 00:42:54,879 --> 00:42:57,965 I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant. 628 00:43:00,009 --> 00:43:02,385 Harry, I think this takes a long time. 629 00:43:02,510 --> 00:43:06,767 It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new. 630 00:43:06,892 --> 00:43:07,892 Yeah. 631 00:43:08,017 --> 00:43:11,312 Maybe longer before we're able to go to bed with someone new. 632 00:43:11,436 --> 00:43:13,773 I went to bed with her. 633 00:43:15,025 --> 00:43:17,943 - You went to bed with her?! - Sure. 634 00:43:23,949 --> 00:43:26,953 - I don't understand this relationship. - What d'ya mean? 635 00:43:27,079 --> 00:43:28,789 - Enjoy being with her? - Yeah. 636 00:43:28,914 --> 00:43:30,956 - You find her attractive? - Yeah. 637 00:43:31,082 --> 00:43:33,292 - And you're not sleeping with her? - No. 638 00:43:33,418 --> 00:43:35,669 You're afraid to let yourself be happy. 639 00:43:35,795 --> 00:43:39,215 Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me. 640 00:43:39,341 --> 00:43:43,220 I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I'm growing. 641 00:43:43,345 --> 00:43:46,972 - Are you finished? - I got a stack o' quarters. I was here first. 642 00:43:47,098 --> 00:43:47,973 - Were not. - Was too. 643 00:43:48,099 --> 00:43:50,061 - Were not! - Was too! 644 00:43:50,186 --> 00:43:52,772 - Big jerk. - Little creep. 645 00:43:52,896 --> 00:43:54,773 - Where was I? - You were growing. 646 00:43:54,897 --> 00:43:56,525 Yeah. 647 00:43:56,650 --> 00:43:59,862 It's very freeing. I can say anything to her. 648 00:44:00,529 --> 00:44:03,825 Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me? 649 00:44:03,950 --> 00:44:08,786 No, it's just a different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. 650 00:44:08,911 --> 00:44:12,667 She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see. 651 00:44:12,792 --> 00:44:14,961 - You tell her about other women? - Yeah. 652 00:44:15,086 --> 00:44:18,755 Like the other night, I made love to this woman and it was incredible. 653 00:44:18,881 --> 00:44:22,636 I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed. 654 00:44:22,761 --> 00:44:27,265 - You made a woman meow? - Yeah, and I can say these things to her. 655 00:44:27,390 --> 00:44:31,810 And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I don't wanna get her into bed. 656 00:44:31,935 --> 00:44:35,983 - I can just be myself. - You made a woman meow? 657 00:44:37,024 --> 00:44:40,068 What do you do with these women? Just get up and leave? 658 00:44:40,193 --> 00:44:43,614 - Sure. - Explain how you do it. What do you say? 659 00:44:43,740 --> 00:44:46,325 I say I have an early meeting, early squash game. 660 00:44:46,451 --> 00:44:50,748 - You don't play squash. - They don't know that. They just met me. 661 00:44:50,873 --> 00:44:53,707 - That's disgusting. - I know. I feel terrible. 662 00:44:53,832 --> 00:44:56,086 I'm so glad I never got involved with you. 663 00:44:56,211 --> 00:45:00,173 I just would've been some woman you had to get outta bed and leave at 3am 664 00:45:00,298 --> 00:45:03,551 and go clean your andirons. You don't even have a fireplace. 665 00:45:03,676 --> 00:45:07,515 - Not that I would know this. - Why are you upset? This isn't about you. 666 00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:11,810 Yes, it is! You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman. 667 00:45:11,934 --> 00:45:14,813 Hey, I don't hear anyone complaining. 668 00:45:14,937 --> 00:45:17,816 Of course not. You're out the door too fast. 669 00:45:17,941 --> 00:45:21,279 - I think they have an OK time. - How do you know? 670 00:45:21,863 --> 00:45:24,238 What d'ya mean how do I know? I know. 671 00:45:24,363 --> 00:45:28,202 - Because they... - Yes, because they... 672 00:45:28,828 --> 00:45:33,917 - How do you know that they're really... - What're you saying? They fake orgasm? 673 00:45:34,416 --> 00:45:36,752 - It's possible. - Get outta here! 674 00:45:36,877 --> 00:45:39,964 Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it. 675 00:45:40,382 --> 00:45:43,301 - They haven't faked it with me. - How do you know? 676 00:45:44,469 --> 00:45:47,137 Because I know. 677 00:45:48,806 --> 00:45:50,892 Right. That's right. 678 00:45:51,017 --> 00:45:53,311 I forgot. You're a man. 679 00:45:53,477 --> 00:45:55,646 - What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing. 680 00:45:55,772 --> 00:45:59,567 All men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it, 681 00:45:59,691 --> 00:46:01,735 so you do the math. 682 00:46:01,862 --> 00:46:04,448 You don't think I could tell the difference? 683 00:46:04,572 --> 00:46:07,368 - No. - Get outta here. 684 00:46:21,798 --> 00:46:23,465 Are you OK? 685 00:46:27,471 --> 00:46:29,432 Oh, God. 686 00:46:30,765 --> 00:46:33,017 Oh, God. 687 00:46:39,691 --> 00:46:42,319 Oh, God. 688 00:46:42,444 --> 00:46:44,154 Oh, yeah, right there. 689 00:46:50,745 --> 00:46:52,955 Oh, God. 690 00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:56,167 Yes! Yes! Yes! 691 00:46:56,417 --> 00:46:58,003 Yes! Yes! 692 00:46:58,128 --> 00:47:00,172 Yes! 693 00:47:01,589 --> 00:47:04,550 Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! 694 00:47:06,011 --> 00:47:08,971 Yes! Yes! Yes! 695 00:47:09,096 --> 00:47:11,475 Yes! Yes! Yes! 696 00:47:15,352 --> 00:47:17,396 Oh, God. 697 00:47:27,240 --> 00:47:29,075 I'll have what she's having. 698 00:47:30,910 --> 00:47:33,163 Sleigh bells ring 699 00:47:33,288 --> 00:47:35,248 Are you listening? 700 00:47:35,665 --> 00:47:39,668 ln the lane snow is glistening 701 00:47:40,128 --> 00:47:42,255 A beautiful sight 702 00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:44,759 We're happy tonight 703 00:47:44,884 --> 00:47:47,928 Walking in a winter wonderland 704 00:47:48,053 --> 00:47:51,890 Gone away is the bluebird 705 00:47:52,391 --> 00:47:56,771 Here to stay is a new bird 706 00:47:57,729 --> 00:48:01,817 He sings a love song as we go along 707 00:48:01,942 --> 00:48:05,613 Walking in a winter wonderland 708 00:48:06,072 --> 00:48:09,575 ln the meadow we can build a snowman 709 00:48:10,410 --> 00:48:14,163 And pretend that he is Parson Brown 710 00:48:14,830 --> 00:48:16,499 He'll say "Are you married?" 711 00:48:16,624 --> 00:48:19,001 We'll say "No, man" 712 00:48:19,127 --> 00:48:22,963 "But you can do thejob when you're in town, brother" 713 00:48:23,130 --> 00:48:27,261 Later on we'll conspire 714 00:48:28,302 --> 00:48:31,806 As we dream by the fire 715 00:48:32,515 --> 00:48:36,728 To face unafraid the plans that we made 716 00:48:36,853 --> 00:48:39,690 Walking in a winter wonderland 717 00:48:41,023 --> 00:48:44,360 lfthey asked me 718 00:48:44,527 --> 00:48:46,988 I could write a book 719 00:48:48,656 --> 00:48:53,077 About the way you walk and whisper... 720 00:48:53,202 --> 00:48:56,956 - I like you with no beard. I see your face. - It is my face! 721 00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,419 Whoa! Dipping you. 722 00:49:03,338 --> 00:49:06,592 - Thank you for taking me out tonight. - Don't be silly. 723 00:49:06,717 --> 00:49:10,636 The next New Year's Eve, if neither of us is with anybody, you got a date. 724 00:49:10,762 --> 00:49:12,557 Deal. 725 00:49:13,725 --> 00:49:16,727 See? Now we can dance cheek to cheek. 726 00:49:19,605 --> 00:49:22,150 lsjust to tell them 727 00:49:22,316 --> 00:49:25,402 That I love you a lot 728 00:49:26,863 --> 00:49:31,658 Then the world discovers 729 00:49:31,825 --> 00:49:35,663 As my book ends 730 00:49:35,830 --> 00:49:40,000 How to make two lovers 731 00:49:40,125 --> 00:49:42,253 Of friends 732 00:49:42,420 --> 00:49:46,007 Hey, everybody! Ten seconds to New Year! 733 00:49:46,174 --> 00:49:48,468 - Ten,... - Wanna get some air? 734 00:49:48,635 --> 00:49:51,721 - Yeah. - ..seven, six, five, four, 735 00:49:51,846 --> 00:49:54,140 three, two, one! 736 00:49:54,306 --> 00:49:56,351 Happy New Year! 737 00:50:17,789 --> 00:50:19,917 - Happy New Year. - Happy New Year. 738 00:50:27,465 --> 00:50:32,722 He was a head counsellor at boys' camp, I was a head counsellor at girls' camp, 739 00:50:32,888 --> 00:50:36,727 and they had a social one night, and he walked across the room. 740 00:50:36,892 --> 00:50:39,895 I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine, 741 00:50:40,020 --> 00:50:43,775 cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine. 742 00:50:43,900 --> 00:50:46,735 But he was coming to talk to me, and he said 743 00:50:46,861 --> 00:50:49,864 "I'm Ben Small of the Coney lsland Smalls." 744 00:50:49,989 --> 00:50:54,452 At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. 745 00:50:56,454 --> 00:50:59,124 You sent flowers to yourself. 746 00:50:59,249 --> 00:51:03,003 $60 I spent on this big arrangement of flowers, and I wrote a card 747 00:51:03,170 --> 00:51:07,215 that I planned to leave on the table where Arthur would just happen to see it. 748 00:51:07,382 --> 00:51:09,675 What did the card say? 749 00:51:09,842 --> 00:51:12,386 "Please say yes. Love Jonathan." 750 00:51:12,553 --> 00:51:14,682 - Did it work? - He never even came over. 751 00:51:14,848 --> 00:51:18,893 He forgot a charity thing his wife is chairman of. He's never gonna leave her! 752 00:51:19,061 --> 00:51:22,481 - Of course he isn't. - You're right. I know you're right. 753 00:51:22,606 --> 00:51:26,193 - Where is this place? - Somewhere on the next block. 754 00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:28,153 I can't believe I'm doing this. 755 00:51:28,279 --> 00:51:31,781 Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends. 756 00:51:31,907 --> 00:51:36,287 And if you two hit it off, we could still be friends, instead of drifting apart 757 00:51:36,454 --> 00:51:39,539 like you do when you date someone who doesn't know your friends. 758 00:51:39,664 --> 00:51:43,710 You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur. 759 00:51:43,835 --> 00:51:47,422 If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him, 760 00:51:47,590 --> 00:51:51,094 I am sure that you and I would drift apart. 761 00:51:51,219 --> 00:51:53,261 He's never gonna leave her. 762 00:51:53,428 --> 00:51:55,472 Of course he isn't. 763 00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:57,724 You're right. I know you're right. 764 00:51:58,309 --> 00:52:00,520 - I dunno about this. - It's just a dinner. 765 00:52:00,686 --> 00:52:05,817 I've finally gotten to a place where I'm comfortable with just me and my work. 766 00:52:05,983 --> 00:52:09,737 - If she's so great why don't you date her? - I told you. We're just friends. 767 00:52:09,904 --> 00:52:12,741 - So she's not attractive? - No, she is attractive. 768 00:52:12,866 --> 00:52:17,411 - You said she had a good personality. - She has a good personality. 769 00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:20,456 What? 770 00:52:20,624 --> 00:52:24,920 When someone's not attractive, they're described as having a good personality. 771 00:52:25,045 --> 00:52:28,799 If you'd asked about looks and I'd said "She has a good personality", 772 00:52:28,966 --> 00:52:30,757 she's not attractive. 773 00:52:30,882 --> 00:52:34,388 But because I mentioned she has a good personality, she can be either. 774 00:52:34,555 --> 00:52:38,307 Attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality. 775 00:52:38,474 --> 00:52:40,476 - So which one is she? - Attractive. 776 00:52:40,643 --> 00:52:42,856 But not beautiful, right? 777 00:52:45,566 --> 00:52:50,612 It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin, it's as if he's leaving a wake-up call 778 00:52:50,779 --> 00:52:54,908 - for the City of New York. - What d'you mean by a "wake-up call"? 779 00:52:55,034 --> 00:52:59,246 He's saying that we've got people in the city who are on welfare... 780 00:53:00,705 --> 00:53:02,708 Would I have seen any of your windows? 781 00:53:02,874 --> 00:53:07,338 A couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages. 782 00:53:07,464 --> 00:53:09,256 - The people in blindfolds. - Yeah. 783 00:53:09,799 --> 00:53:12,926 I thought it was like late '80s. 784 00:53:13,678 --> 00:53:15,054 That's interesting. 785 00:53:15,220 --> 00:53:18,141 Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin. 786 00:53:18,308 --> 00:53:22,812 Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important. 787 00:53:35,741 --> 00:53:39,245 Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey. 788 00:53:39,412 --> 00:53:40,872 - Really? - Where? 789 00:53:41,039 --> 00:53:42,624 - South Orange. - Haddonfield. 790 00:53:50,674 --> 00:53:54,761 - So, what are we gonna order? - I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio. 791 00:53:54,928 --> 00:53:58,307 Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she pick the best, 792 00:53:58,474 --> 00:54:02,019 but she orders it in a way even the chef didn't know how good it could be. 793 00:54:02,186 --> 00:54:05,314 - Restaurants have become too important. - I agree. 794 00:54:05,481 --> 00:54:09,734 "Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theatre was to people in the '60s." 795 00:54:09,902 --> 00:54:12,279 I read that in a magazine. 796 00:54:12,446 --> 00:54:14,491 I wrote that. 797 00:54:14,658 --> 00:54:17,325 - Get outta here. - No, I did! I wrote that. 798 00:54:17,576 --> 00:54:20,830 I've never quoted anything from a magazine. That's amazing. 799 00:54:20,996 --> 00:54:24,500 Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it? 800 00:54:24,667 --> 00:54:27,129 I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s." 801 00:54:27,295 --> 00:54:30,006 - Get over yourself! - I did! 802 00:54:30,338 --> 00:54:32,758 - Where did I read that? - New York Magazine. 803 00:54:32,925 --> 00:54:35,262 Sally writes for New York Magazine. 804 00:54:35,387 --> 00:54:39,682 You know, that piece had a real impact on me. I don't know much about writing... 805 00:54:39,807 --> 00:54:42,017 It spoke to you, and that pleases me. 806 00:54:42,143 --> 00:54:45,772 I mean, you have to admire people who can be that articulate. 807 00:54:45,896 --> 00:54:49,526 Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before. 808 00:54:59,619 --> 00:55:02,706 I've been looking for a red suede pump. 809 00:55:04,750 --> 00:55:07,252 What do you think of Jess? 810 00:55:08,211 --> 00:55:11,591 - Well... - Do you think you could go out with him? 811 00:55:12,424 --> 00:55:16,260 - I don't know... - Cos I feel really comfortable with him. 812 00:55:16,385 --> 00:55:19,640 - You wanna go out with Jess. - If it would be all right with you. 813 00:55:19,766 --> 00:55:22,768 Sure. Sure. I'm just worried about Harry. 814 00:55:22,893 --> 00:55:27,981 He's sensitive, he's going through a rough period, and I don't want you to reject him. 815 00:55:28,107 --> 00:55:30,401 I wouldn't. I totally understand. 816 00:55:30,526 --> 00:55:34,030 If you don't think you're gonna call Marie, do you mind if I call her? 817 00:55:34,155 --> 00:55:35,782 - No, no. - Good. Good. 818 00:55:35,990 --> 00:55:40,118 But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now. 819 00:55:40,243 --> 00:55:44,248 You can call Marie, but wait a week or so. Don't make any moves tonight. 820 00:55:44,373 --> 00:55:48,001 Fine. No problem. I wasn't even thinking about tonight. 821 00:55:48,628 --> 00:55:52,299 Well, I don't feel like walking any more. I think I'll get a cab. 822 00:55:52,424 --> 00:55:55,510 - I'll go with you. - Great! Taxi! 823 00:56:07,147 --> 00:56:12,777 A man came to me and said "I found nice girl for you." 824 00:56:12,902 --> 00:56:17,073 "She lives in the next village 825 00:56:17,199 --> 00:56:20,494 and she is ready for marriage." 826 00:56:21,662 --> 00:56:25,958 We were not supposed to meet until the wedding, 827 00:56:26,083 --> 00:56:28,168 but I wanted to make sure. 828 00:56:28,293 --> 00:56:32,630 So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree, 829 00:56:32,755 --> 00:56:35,509 watch her washing the clothes. 830 00:56:36,301 --> 00:56:42,099 I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her. 831 00:56:42,224 --> 00:56:45,060 But she looked very nice to me. 832 00:56:45,185 --> 00:56:48,272 So I said "OK" to the man. 833 00:56:49,023 --> 00:56:50,859 We get married. 834 00:56:50,983 --> 00:56:53,986 We married for 55 years. 835 00:56:56,697 --> 00:56:59,951 FOUR MONTHS LATER 836 00:57:01,243 --> 00:57:04,455 - I have to get this. - Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie. 837 00:57:04,580 --> 00:57:08,459 - We'll find something. Great stuff. - Should have gone to the plant store. 838 00:57:08,584 --> 00:57:11,838 - Here. Perfect for them. - What's that? 839 00:57:11,964 --> 00:57:14,591 Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan. 840 00:57:14,967 --> 00:57:17,676 - Why is this necessary in life? - I don't know. 841 00:57:17,801 --> 00:57:20,764 Look at this. Also makes great fries. 842 00:57:21,932 --> 00:57:24,934 Good. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over. 843 00:57:25,060 --> 00:57:27,979 Sally, this is the greatest. 844 00:57:28,104 --> 00:57:30,397 Sally, please report to me. 845 00:57:30,522 --> 00:57:33,319 Look. This is the greatest. You're gonna love this. 846 00:57:33,443 --> 00:57:38,740 This is a singing machine. Look, you sing the lead and this has the backup. 847 00:57:38,865 --> 00:57:41,993 - This is from Oklahoma! - "Surrey with the Fringe on Top". 848 00:57:42,118 --> 00:57:44,539 Yes, perfect. 849 00:57:46,456 --> 00:57:49,460 Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry 850 00:57:49,585 --> 00:57:52,505 When I take you out in my surrey 851 00:57:52,630 --> 00:57:56,843 When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top 852 00:57:56,967 --> 00:57:58,177 Now you! 853 00:57:58,303 --> 00:58:00,804 Watch that fringe and see how it flutters 854 00:58:00,929 --> 00:58:03,681 When I drive those high-steppin' strutters 855 00:58:03,807 --> 00:58:05,810 Nosey pokes'll peek through the shutters 856 00:58:05,936 --> 00:58:08,521 And their eyes will pop! 857 00:58:08,646 --> 00:58:11,775 The wheels are yellow, the upholstery's brown 858 00:58:11,899 --> 00:58:14,110 The dashboard's genuine leather 859 00:58:14,236 --> 00:58:16,903 With isinglass curtains that will ro... 860 00:58:17,364 --> 00:58:19,116 What? 861 00:58:19,241 --> 00:58:22,327 It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice. 862 00:58:22,452 --> 00:58:25,955 - I know, it's terrible. Joe hated it... - It's Helen. 863 00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:28,040 Helen? 864 00:58:28,165 --> 00:58:30,626 She's coming right towards me. 865 00:58:38,384 --> 00:58:41,889 - How are you, Harry? - Fine. I'm fine. 866 00:58:43,724 --> 00:58:46,476 This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns. 867 00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:48,436 Harry. 868 00:58:52,858 --> 00:58:55,943 I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright. Helen Hillson 869 00:58:56,069 --> 00:58:57,904 and Ira. 870 00:58:58,155 --> 00:58:59,991 Sally. 871 00:59:00,116 --> 00:59:03,243 - Nice to meet you. - Hi. 872 00:59:05,496 --> 00:59:07,373 Well... 873 00:59:08,122 --> 00:59:11,501 - See you. - Yeah. Bye. 874 00:59:12,837 --> 00:59:15,298 Nice to meet you, Ira. 875 00:59:20,469 --> 00:59:22,513 You OK? 876 00:59:23,763 --> 00:59:26,267 Yeah, I'm perfect. 877 00:59:26,392 --> 00:59:29,771 She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird. 878 00:59:29,896 --> 00:59:33,648 - I've never seen her before. - Trust me. Her legs looked heavy. 879 00:59:33,774 --> 00:59:35,611 - Must be retaining water. - Harry! 880 00:59:35,736 --> 00:59:38,446 Believe me, the woman saved everything. 881 00:59:41,574 --> 00:59:43,659 Sure you're OK? 882 00:59:43,785 --> 00:59:46,704 I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point. 883 00:59:46,829 --> 00:59:51,000 In a city of eight million, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. So it happened. 884 00:59:51,125 --> 00:59:53,168 And now I'm fine. 885 00:59:56,214 --> 00:59:58,967 I like it. It works. It says "home" to me. 886 00:59:59,094 --> 01:00:02,929 All right. All right. We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge. 887 01:00:03,555 --> 01:00:06,057 What do you think? 888 01:00:06,182 --> 01:00:08,100 - It's nice. - Case closed. 889 01:00:08,225 --> 01:00:10,687 Of course he likes it - he's a guy. 890 01:00:10,813 --> 01:00:12,856 Sally? 891 01:00:14,483 --> 01:00:15,900 What's so awful about it? 892 01:00:16,025 --> 01:00:20,114 It's so awful, there's no way to begin to explain what's so awful about it. 893 01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:22,534 Honey, I don't object to your things. 894 01:00:22,659 --> 01:00:26,286 If we had room, you could put your things in it, like your bar stools... 895 01:00:26,412 --> 01:00:30,332 Honey, wait, wait. Honey, wait. You don't like my bar stools? 896 01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:33,837 Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side. 897 01:00:33,962 --> 01:00:36,798 I'm on your side. I just want you to have good taste. 898 01:00:36,922 --> 01:00:39,174 I have good taste! 899 01:00:39,299 --> 01:00:44,347 Everybody thinks they have good taste, but they couldn't all have good taste. 900 01:00:44,472 --> 01:00:48,309 You know, it's funny. We started out like this, Helen and I. 901 01:00:48,435 --> 01:00:52,896 We hung things, we picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens? 902 01:00:53,147 --> 01:00:58,528 Six years later you're singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" in front of lra! 903 01:00:58,653 --> 01:01:03,532 - Do we have to talk about this right now? - Yes. Right now is the perfect time, 904 01:01:03,658 --> 01:01:07,705 because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. 905 01:01:07,830 --> 01:01:12,375 Right now everything is great. Everyone is happy and in love, and that's wonderful. 906 01:01:12,500 --> 01:01:17,881 But sooner or later, you'll be screaming at each other about who'll get this dish. 907 01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:23,093 This $8 dish will cost $1 ,000 in calls to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours". 908 01:01:23,219 --> 01:01:25,180 - Harry! - Please. 909 01:01:25,305 --> 01:01:28,517 Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good. 910 01:01:28,642 --> 01:01:32,937 Put your name in your books right now before you don't know whose is whose, 911 01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:38,193 because some day you'll go 1 5 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. 912 01:01:38,527 --> 01:01:43,908 This stupid, wagon-wheel, Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table! 913 01:01:45,700 --> 01:01:49,414 - I thought you liked it. - I was being nice! 914 01:01:53,751 --> 01:01:55,835 He just bumped into Helen. 915 01:02:03,511 --> 01:02:06,305 I want you to know 916 01:02:06,430 --> 01:02:10,559 that I will never want that wagon-wheel coffee table. 917 01:02:19,276 --> 01:02:22,448 I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it. 918 01:02:22,573 --> 01:02:27,327 Harry, you have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling you have, 919 01:02:27,452 --> 01:02:29,496 every moment that you have them. 920 01:02:29,621 --> 01:02:32,164 - Oh, really? - Yes. 921 01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:34,960 There are times and places for things. 922 01:02:35,836 --> 01:02:40,924 Well, the next time you're giving a lecture on social graces, tell me cos I'll sign up. 923 01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:44,679 Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me. 924 01:02:44,804 --> 01:02:46,888 I'm entitled to throw anger your way. 925 01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:51,143 Especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners! 926 01:02:51,269 --> 01:02:54,813 - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing bothers you! 927 01:02:54,937 --> 01:02:58,651 - You never get upset about anything! - Don't be ridiculous! 928 01:02:58,776 --> 01:03:00,194 What? 929 01:03:00,319 --> 01:03:04,656 You never get upset about Joe. I never see it back up on you. How is it possible? 930 01:03:04,781 --> 01:03:09,078 - Don't you experience feelings of loss? - I don't have to take this crap. 931 01:03:09,203 --> 01:03:12,790 - If you're over Joe, why not see people? - I see people! 932 01:03:12,915 --> 01:03:16,376 See people! Have you slept with one person since Joe? 933 01:03:16,501 --> 01:03:19,297 What the hell does that have to do with anything? 934 01:03:19,422 --> 01:03:23,341 That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody?! 935 01:03:23,467 --> 01:03:27,430 You have to move back to New Jersey cos you've slept with everyone in New York. 936 01:03:27,555 --> 01:03:31,059 I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. 937 01:03:31,184 --> 01:03:34,228 Besides, I will make love when it is making love. 938 01:03:34,353 --> 01:03:38,733 Not the way you do it, like you're out for revenge or something. 939 01:03:38,858 --> 01:03:41,612 Are you finished now? 940 01:03:41,737 --> 01:03:43,238 Yes. 941 01:03:43,363 --> 01:03:45,740 Can I say something? 942 01:03:45,865 --> 01:03:47,492 Yes. 943 01:03:50,161 --> 01:03:52,832 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 944 01:04:03,842 --> 01:04:06,137 Don't say a word! 945 01:04:09,806 --> 01:04:12,935 It's a monkey, a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do. 946 01:04:13,060 --> 01:04:16,522 - It's an ape. Going ape. - It's a baby! 947 01:04:16,647 --> 01:04:19,983 - Planet ofthe Apes! - She said baby! Try Planet ofthe Dopes. 948 01:04:20,109 --> 01:04:23,946 - It doesn't look like a baby. - Big mouth. Jagger as a baby. 949 01:04:24,071 --> 01:04:26,658 - Baby ape! - Stop with the apes. 950 01:04:26,783 --> 01:04:29,994 - Baby's breath. - Rosemary's Baby's mouth? 951 01:04:30,120 --> 01:04:32,621 - "Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?" - Kiss the baby! 952 01:04:32,746 --> 01:04:37,293 - "Melancholy Baby's Mouth"! - Baby fish... Baby-fish mouth! 953 01:04:38,210 --> 01:04:40,130 - 1 5 seconds. - A big mouth. 954 01:04:40,255 --> 01:04:42,257 - Baby boom! - Baby... 955 01:04:42,381 --> 01:04:45,009 Draw something resembling anything! 956 01:04:45,135 --> 01:04:48,722 - Crying baby. Kiss the baby. - Baby spitting up... Exorcist Baby! 957 01:04:48,972 --> 01:04:52,768 - "Yes Sir, That's My Baby". - "No sir, don't mean maybe." 958 01:04:52,892 --> 01:04:55,686 - That's it. Time's up. - Baby talk. 959 01:04:55,812 --> 01:04:59,191 Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying. 960 01:04:59,316 --> 01:05:03,319 But "baby-fish mouth" is sweeping the nation! I hear them talking! 961 01:05:03,445 --> 01:05:05,948 Final score. Our team: 1 10. 962 01:05:06,073 --> 01:05:08,116 You guys: 60. 963 01:05:08,241 --> 01:05:11,370 - Ouch. Fix! Definitely a fix. - Pathetic. 964 01:05:11,871 --> 01:05:16,833 - I can't draw. - That's a baby, and it's clearly talking. 965 01:05:16,958 --> 01:05:18,793 You're wonderful. 966 01:05:18,918 --> 01:05:21,797 - Who wants coffee? - I do, and I love you. 967 01:05:21,922 --> 01:05:24,799 - D'you have tea? - lndustrial strength. 968 01:05:24,925 --> 01:05:28,387 - I'll help you. Decaf? - Yeah. 969 01:05:29,221 --> 01:05:31,181 - Three. - Yes, please. 970 01:05:31,305 --> 01:05:34,894 - Where's the bathroom? - Through that door, down the hall. 971 01:05:41,442 --> 01:05:43,320 Never looked like a baby to me. 972 01:05:43,445 --> 01:05:44,946 - Which part? - All of it. 973 01:05:45,072 --> 01:05:48,449 - You were gonna show me a book cover. - Yeah, it's in the den. 974 01:05:48,574 --> 01:05:52,829 Julian, help yourself. Have some more wine, whatever, OK? 975 01:05:52,952 --> 01:05:55,207 I like saying den. Got a nice ring to it. 976 01:05:55,749 --> 01:05:58,585 Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think? 977 01:05:58,710 --> 01:06:01,504 Well, she's young, but look what she's done. 978 01:06:01,629 --> 01:06:04,006 What has she done? She makes desserts. 979 01:06:04,215 --> 01:06:08,512 - Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you? - He's a good guy. You should talk to him. 980 01:06:08,637 --> 01:06:10,055 He's too tall to talk to. 981 01:06:10,179 --> 01:06:13,307 She makes 3,500 chocolate-mousse pies a week. 982 01:06:14,726 --> 01:06:16,978 Emily is "Aunt Emily"? 983 01:06:17,104 --> 01:06:19,564 He took us to a Met game last week. It was great. 984 01:06:19,689 --> 01:06:24,193 - You all went to a Met game together? - Yeah, but it was a last-minute thing. 985 01:06:24,318 --> 01:06:25,737 But Sally hates baseball. 986 01:06:25,862 --> 01:06:28,115 Harry doesn't even like sweets. 987 01:06:28,240 --> 01:06:30,784 Julian is great. 988 01:06:30,909 --> 01:06:32,911 I know. He's a grown-up. 989 01:06:33,036 --> 01:06:36,457 - Emily is terrific. - Yeah. But when I asked where she was 990 01:06:36,582 --> 01:06:40,169 when Kennedy was shot, she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?" 991 01:06:52,099 --> 01:06:54,182 - Hello? - Are you alone? 992 01:06:54,307 --> 01:06:56,394 Yeah. I was just finishing a book. 993 01:06:56,518 --> 01:06:59,397 - Could you come over? - What's the matter? 994 01:06:59,813 --> 01:07:02,483 - He's getting married. - Who? 995 01:07:03,277 --> 01:07:04,777 Joe! 996 01:07:05,279 --> 01:07:08,363 I'll be right there. 997 01:07:11,200 --> 01:07:14,204 - Hi. - Are you all right? 998 01:07:16,664 --> 01:07:18,916 Come on in. 999 01:07:21,628 --> 01:07:24,714 - I'm sorry to call you so late. - It's all right. 1000 01:07:26,216 --> 01:07:28,342 - I need a Kleenex! - OK. 1001 01:07:28,469 --> 01:07:29,970 OK. OK. 1002 01:07:30,510 --> 01:07:33,347 He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were", 1003 01:07:33,473 --> 01:07:35,893 "Fine. How are you?" "Fine." 1004 01:07:36,018 --> 01:07:39,645 His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up. 1005 01:07:39,771 --> 01:07:43,525 He's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah. 1006 01:07:44,651 --> 01:07:48,947 And I'm sitting on the phone thinking "I am over him, I really am over him, 1007 01:07:49,073 --> 01:07:53,159 I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this." 1008 01:07:54,203 --> 01:07:57,499 And then he said "I have some news." 1009 01:08:01,335 --> 01:08:05,673 She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly. 1010 01:08:07,551 --> 01:08:09,594 He just met her! 1011 01:08:09,719 --> 01:08:15,225 She's supposed to be his transitional person, not "the one"! 1012 01:08:20,647 --> 01:08:25,401 All this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married. 1013 01:08:26,945 --> 01:08:29,114 But the truth is, 1014 01:08:29,239 --> 01:08:31,907 he didn't wanna marry me. 1015 01:08:35,036 --> 01:08:37,288 He didn't love me. 1016 01:08:41,334 --> 01:08:44,004 If you could take him back right now, would you? 1017 01:08:45,880 --> 01:08:47,924 No! 1018 01:08:48,049 --> 01:08:50,885 But why didn't he wanna marry me? 1019 01:08:51,678 --> 01:08:54,514 - What's the matter with me? - Nothing. 1020 01:08:54,640 --> 01:08:56,975 - I'm difficult. - You're challenging. 1021 01:08:57,101 --> 01:09:00,645 - I'm too structured. I'm closed off. - But in a good way. 1022 01:09:01,688 --> 01:09:05,068 No, no, no. I drove him away. 1023 01:09:07,319 --> 01:09:09,571 And I'm gonna be 40! 1024 01:09:10,698 --> 01:09:12,241 When? 1025 01:09:12,365 --> 01:09:14,703 - Some day. - ln eight years. 1026 01:09:15,203 --> 01:09:20,374 But it's there! It's just sitting there like this big dead end. 1027 01:09:21,500 --> 01:09:26,923 And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73. 1028 01:09:27,048 --> 01:09:29,258 Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up. 1029 01:09:35,598 --> 01:09:37,809 Come here. Come here. 1030 01:09:37,934 --> 01:09:39,811 It's gonna be OK. 1031 01:09:39,936 --> 01:09:42,272 It's gonna be fine, you'll see. 1032 01:09:43,398 --> 01:09:46,525 Go ahead. It's not one of my favourites anyway. 1033 01:09:48,403 --> 01:09:50,864 It's gonna be OK. Hm? 1034 01:09:56,827 --> 01:09:58,998 Hm? OK? 1035 01:09:59,122 --> 01:10:00,957 OK. 1036 01:10:03,919 --> 01:10:07,757 - I'll make some tea. - Harry, could you hold me a little longer? 1037 01:10:07,881 --> 01:10:09,758 Oh, sure. 1038 01:10:15,888 --> 01:10:18,225 OK? Hm? 1039 01:10:50,216 --> 01:10:52,135 Are you comfortable? 1040 01:10:52,260 --> 01:10:54,095 Sure. 1041 01:10:58,933 --> 01:11:02,937 - D'you want something to drink? - No, I'm OK. 1042 01:11:04,147 --> 01:11:07,900 I'm going to get up for some water, so it's really no trouble. 1043 01:11:08,025 --> 01:11:10,069 OK. Water. 1044 01:12:05,502 --> 01:12:10,256 You have all your video tapes alphabetised and on index cards. 1045 01:12:10,380 --> 01:12:11,799 Thank you. 1046 01:12:12,091 --> 01:12:15,595 - D'you wanna watch something? - No. Not unless you do. 1047 01:12:16,137 --> 01:12:18,263 No. That's OK. 1048 01:12:32,319 --> 01:12:35,866 - D'you wanna go to sleep? - OK. 1049 01:13:10,192 --> 01:13:12,571 Where are you going? 1050 01:13:12,696 --> 01:13:15,157 I gotta go. 1051 01:13:16,323 --> 01:13:19,578 Gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work. And so do you. 1052 01:13:19,703 --> 01:13:23,497 But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free. You free? 1053 01:13:23,622 --> 01:13:26,168 - Yes. - Fine. I'll call you later. 1054 01:13:26,834 --> 01:13:29,086 - Fine. - Fine. 1055 01:13:48,230 --> 01:13:50,275 - Yours! - Hello. 1056 01:13:50,400 --> 01:13:52,694 - Sorry to call so early. - Are you all right? 1057 01:13:52,820 --> 01:13:56,239 No one I know would call at this hour. 1058 01:13:56,364 --> 01:13:58,408 - No one I know would call. - It's awful. 1059 01:13:58,533 --> 01:14:00,368 - I need to talk. - What happened? 1060 01:14:00,494 --> 01:14:02,496 - Harry came over. - I went to Sally's. 1061 01:14:02,621 --> 01:14:05,374 - I was upset Joe was marrying. - One thing led to another. 1062 01:14:05,500 --> 01:14:08,794 - Before I knew it we were kissing. Then... - ..we did it. 1063 01:14:08,919 --> 01:14:10,087 They did it! 1064 01:14:10,253 --> 01:14:12,297 - That's great! - We prayed for it. 1065 01:14:12,422 --> 01:14:15,135 - You shoulda done it before. - We said you should do it. 1066 01:14:15,260 --> 01:14:17,886 - You belong together. - You killed two birds with one stone. 1067 01:14:18,012 --> 01:14:20,639 - Two wrongs make a right. - How was it? 1068 01:14:20,765 --> 01:14:22,308 - During part was good,... - Good,... 1069 01:14:22,433 --> 01:14:24,476 - ..then I felt suffocated. - ..then it wasn't. 1070 01:14:24,601 --> 01:14:25,852 - Sorry. - The worst. 1071 01:14:25,978 --> 01:14:27,355 - I had to go. - He left. 1072 01:14:27,480 --> 01:14:29,190 - I feel bad. - I'm embarrassed. 1073 01:14:29,316 --> 01:14:30,566 I don't blame you. 1074 01:14:30,690 --> 01:14:32,692 - I feel ill. - I'm catching a cold. 1075 01:14:32,818 --> 01:14:34,487 Look, it didn't work out. 1076 01:14:34,612 --> 01:14:38,116 Never sleep with anyone when you find out your ex is marrying. 1077 01:14:38,241 --> 01:14:40,118 - Who's talking? - Is that Jess? 1078 01:14:40,243 --> 01:14:42,788 - It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. - It's Bryant Gumbel. 1079 01:14:42,913 --> 01:14:44,498 Wanna have breakfast? 1080 01:14:44,623 --> 01:14:46,706 - No, I'm not up to it. - I feel too awful. 1081 01:14:46,833 --> 01:14:48,751 - Good. - I mean, it's so early. 1082 01:14:48,876 --> 01:14:51,338 - But call me later. - I'll call you later. 1083 01:14:51,463 --> 01:14:52,714 - OK. Bye. - Bye. 1084 01:14:52,840 --> 01:14:54,882 - Bye. - Bye. 1085 01:14:56,134 --> 01:14:58,803 - God! - I know. 1086 01:14:59,888 --> 01:15:02,974 Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. 1087 01:15:06,269 --> 01:15:09,146 You will never have to be out there again. 1088 01:15:12,485 --> 01:15:14,862 I'll just say we made a mistake. 1089 01:15:15,695 --> 01:15:18,490 Sally, it was a mistake. 1090 01:15:20,868 --> 01:15:23,328 I just hope I get to say it first. 1091 01:15:24,246 --> 01:15:26,874 I hope she says it before I do. 1092 01:15:29,836 --> 01:15:33,590 - It was a mistake. - I am so relieved that you think so, too. 1093 01:15:35,300 --> 01:15:38,177 I'm not saying last night wasn't great. 1094 01:15:38,302 --> 01:15:41,263 - It was! - Yes, it was! 1095 01:15:42,307 --> 01:15:45,809 - We just never should have done it. - I couldn't agree more. 1096 01:15:46,186 --> 01:15:49,397 - I am so relieved! - Great. 1097 01:15:49,522 --> 01:15:51,566 Yeah. 1098 01:15:53,817 --> 01:15:55,862 Two mixed green salads. 1099 01:16:25,266 --> 01:16:30,314 It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk. Hm? 1100 01:16:34,276 --> 01:16:36,737 Most of the time, you go to bed with someone, 1101 01:16:36,904 --> 01:16:40,991 then she tells you all her stories, you tell her all your stories. 1102 01:16:41,118 --> 01:16:44,871 But with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories. 1103 01:16:45,037 --> 01:16:49,082 So once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were supposed to do. You know? 1104 01:16:49,208 --> 01:16:51,419 Sure, Harry. 1105 01:16:52,087 --> 01:16:53,796 I don't know. 1106 01:16:53,921 --> 01:16:59,510 Maybe you get to a point in a relationship where it's too late to have sex. You know? 1107 01:17:09,103 --> 01:17:11,480 Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding? 1108 01:17:11,647 --> 01:17:13,693 I don't think so. 1109 01:17:15,068 --> 01:17:20,574 - Is he seeing anyone? - He was seeing this anthropologist, but... 1110 01:17:21,532 --> 01:17:25,746 - What does she look like? - Thin, pretty, big tits. 1111 01:17:25,912 --> 01:17:28,415 Your basic nightmare. 1112 01:17:32,126 --> 01:17:34,337 What d'ya think? 1113 01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:37,633 Marie... 1114 01:17:38,383 --> 01:17:40,177 Tell the truth. 1115 01:17:41,720 --> 01:17:44,181 It's just beautiful. 1116 01:18:15,797 --> 01:18:21,553 We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess. 1117 01:18:22,346 --> 01:18:25,515 And to consecrate their vows of matrimony. 1118 01:18:25,681 --> 01:18:29,185 The vows they will take join their lives. 1119 01:18:29,310 --> 01:18:34,398 The wine they will share binds all their hopes together. 1120 01:18:34,565 --> 01:18:36,859 And by the rings they will wear, 1121 01:18:37,027 --> 01:18:41,906 they will be known to all as husband and wife. 1122 01:18:52,376 --> 01:18:56,004 I've never seen her so happy. She's a different person. 1123 01:18:56,171 --> 01:19:00,883 Oh, yeah, she is. It's great, but what're we gonna do about you? 1124 01:19:01,050 --> 01:19:03,429 - Me? - Hon, you wanna dance? 1125 01:19:03,595 --> 01:19:06,015 - Oh, yeah! Yeah, I do. - Excuse us. 1126 01:19:09,518 --> 01:19:12,187 - Hi. - Hello. 1127 01:19:15,857 --> 01:19:18,945 - Nice ceremony. - Beautiful. 1128 01:19:21,573 --> 01:19:26,784 Boy, the holidays are rough! Every year I try to get from Thanksgiving to New Year. 1129 01:19:26,952 --> 01:19:29,289 A lot of suicides. 1130 01:19:30,416 --> 01:19:33,500 - Would you like a pea pod with shrimp? - Thank you. 1131 01:19:34,793 --> 01:19:37,546 - How've you been? - Fine. 1132 01:19:37,671 --> 01:19:39,299 - Seeing anybody? - Harry. 1133 01:19:39,466 --> 01:19:41,426 - What? - I don't wanna talk about this. 1134 01:19:41,593 --> 01:19:45,138 - Why not? - I don't want to talk about it. 1135 01:19:45,306 --> 01:19:49,601 Why can't we get past this? Are we gonna carry this thing around for ever? 1136 01:19:49,726 --> 01:19:54,105 - Forever? It just happened! - It happened three weeks ago. 1137 01:19:54,272 --> 01:19:58,193 You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog? 1138 01:19:58,360 --> 01:20:00,070 Yes! 1139 01:20:02,322 --> 01:20:05,242 Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario? 1140 01:20:05,658 --> 01:20:07,994 - Yes. - Who is the dog? 1141 01:20:08,203 --> 01:20:11,372 - You are. - I am! I am the dog! 1142 01:20:11,538 --> 01:20:13,959 I am the dog! I... 1143 01:20:20,049 --> 01:20:25,179 I don't see that. You are the dog. You act like what happened didn't mean anything. 1144 01:20:25,346 --> 01:20:28,390 No, I don't, but why does it have to mean everything? 1145 01:20:28,557 --> 01:20:33,980 Because it does! You know it better than anyone, cos after it happens you walk out! 1146 01:20:34,106 --> 01:20:37,066 - I didn't walk out. - Sprinted is more like it. 1147 01:20:37,234 --> 01:20:40,569 - We both agreed it was a mistake. - The worst mistake I ever made! 1148 01:20:42,488 --> 01:20:44,365 - What do you want from me? - Nothing! 1149 01:20:44,532 --> 01:20:50,413 Fine! But let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there to make love to you. 1150 01:20:50,580 --> 01:20:54,583 But you looked at me with these weepy eyes: "Don't go home. Hold me, Harry." 1151 01:20:54,750 --> 01:20:58,588 - What was I supposed to do? - Are you saying you took pity on me? 1152 01:20:58,756 --> 01:21:01,424 - No! I was... - Fuck you! 1153 01:21:04,928 --> 01:21:08,055 Everybody, could I have your attention, please? 1154 01:21:08,223 --> 01:21:12,436 I'd like to propose a toast, to Harry and Sally. 1155 01:21:12,602 --> 01:21:14,438 To Harry and Sally. 1156 01:21:14,604 --> 01:21:19,026 If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, 1157 01:21:19,192 --> 01:21:22,280 we would not be here today. 1158 01:21:31,204 --> 01:21:35,793 Have yourselfa merry little Christmas 1159 01:21:36,794 --> 01:21:39,838 Let yourselfbe light 1160 01:21:41,132 --> 01:21:47,179 From now on our troubles will be out ofsight 1161 01:21:51,601 --> 01:21:56,022 Have yourself a merry little Christmas 1162 01:21:56,898 --> 01:22:00,484 Make the yuletide gay 1163 01:22:01,234 --> 01:22:07,242 From now on our troubles will be miles away 1164 01:22:08,992 --> 01:22:11,328 Hi, it's me. It's the holiday season, 1165 01:22:11,453 --> 01:22:15,000 and I thought I'd remind you that it's the season of forgiveness. 1166 01:22:15,375 --> 01:22:19,796 And, although it's not widely known, it is also the season of grovelling. 1167 01:22:20,213 --> 01:22:22,465 So, if you felt like calling me back, 1168 01:22:22,841 --> 01:22:26,804 I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovelling. 1169 01:22:26,929 --> 01:22:28,764 Give me a call. 1170 01:22:44,822 --> 01:22:47,699 Hi, I'm not home. I'll call you right back. 1171 01:22:47,825 --> 01:22:51,955 If you're there, please pick up. I really wanna talk to you. 1172 01:22:54,456 --> 01:22:59,129 The fact you're not answering leads me to believe you're either, A: not at home, 1173 01:22:59,255 --> 01:23:02,548 B: home, but don't wanna talk to me, or C: 1174 01:23:02,673 --> 01:23:07,303 home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. 1175 01:23:07,429 --> 01:23:10,515 If it's either A or C, please call me back. 1176 01:23:12,809 --> 01:23:17,062 Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me. What do I have to do, be hit on the head? 1177 01:23:17,188 --> 01:23:20,899 If she wants to call, she'll call. I'm through actin' like a schmuck. 1178 01:23:21,402 --> 01:23:24,736 If you're feeling sad and lonely 1179 01:23:24,863 --> 01:23:27,866 There's a service I can render 1180 01:23:28,199 --> 01:23:31,034 Tell the one who digs you only 1181 01:23:31,160 --> 01:23:34,540 I can be so warm and tender 1182 01:23:34,664 --> 01:23:36,125 Call me 1183 01:23:36,249 --> 01:23:39,878 Maybe it's late tojust call me 1184 01:23:40,003 --> 01:23:43,382 Don't be afraid to just phone moi 1185 01:23:43,632 --> 01:23:47,552 Call me and I'll be around 1186 01:23:47,927 --> 01:23:49,054 Give me a call. 1187 01:23:49,180 --> 01:23:51,807 - Hi, Harry. - Hello. Hi! Hi! 1188 01:23:51,932 --> 01:23:54,643 I didn't know that you would... That you were there. 1189 01:23:54,852 --> 01:23:57,688 - What're you doing? - I was just on my way out. 1190 01:23:57,813 --> 01:24:00,274 Where you going? 1191 01:24:00,399 --> 01:24:03,026 - What do you want, Harry? - Nothing. Nothing. 1192 01:24:03,151 --> 01:24:06,614 I... I just called to say I'm sorry. 1193 01:24:08,364 --> 01:24:10,201 OK. 1194 01:24:17,208 --> 01:24:20,711 - I gotta go. - Wait a second. Wait... wait a second. 1195 01:24:20,836 --> 01:24:25,298 What're you doin' for New Year's? Going to the Tylers' party? I don't have a date. 1196 01:24:25,423 --> 01:24:31,514 If you don't have a date, we always said we could be together for New Year's and... 1197 01:24:31,640 --> 01:24:35,476 I can't do this any more. I am not your consolation prize. 1198 01:24:35,601 --> 01:24:37,728 Goodbye. 1199 01:24:46,112 --> 01:24:51,535 And here we are once again. The 16th annual "New Year's Rockin' Eve", 1200 01:24:51,660 --> 01:24:53,369 coming to you live... 1201 01:24:53,787 --> 01:24:57,457 What's so bad about this? You got Dick Clark - tradition. 1202 01:24:57,581 --> 01:25:00,377 You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time. 1203 01:25:00,501 --> 01:25:05,216 And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973. 1204 01:25:22,733 --> 01:25:25,445 I don't know why I let you drag me to this. 1205 01:25:29,532 --> 01:25:34,203 This is much better. Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself. 1206 01:25:34,328 --> 01:25:38,082 Who needs to be at a big, crowded party, pretending to have a good time? 1207 01:25:38,207 --> 01:25:42,003 Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up on my window-shopping. 1208 01:25:42,335 --> 01:25:43,755 This is good. 1209 01:25:55,725 --> 01:25:58,812 So the guy says "Read the card." 1210 01:26:08,738 --> 01:26:11,825 - I'm going home. - You'll never get a taxi. 1211 01:26:12,826 --> 01:26:14,035 Oh, God! 1212 01:26:41,898 --> 01:26:44,484 You realise that we could never be friends. 1213 01:26:44,608 --> 01:26:46,944 - Why not? - What I'm saying is, 1214 01:26:47,069 --> 01:26:50,739 men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way. 1215 01:26:50,864 --> 01:26:52,324 That's not true! 1216 01:26:52,449 --> 01:26:54,953 No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. 1217 01:26:55,077 --> 01:26:59,124 - He always wants to have sex with her. - What if they don't wanna have sex? 1218 01:26:59,248 --> 01:27:02,960 Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed. 1219 01:27:03,085 --> 01:27:05,672 And that is the end ofthe story. 1220 01:27:05,797 --> 01:27:08,591 - I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not. 1221 01:27:08,716 --> 01:27:10,343 That's too bad. 1222 01:27:10,468 --> 01:27:13,471 You were the only person that I knew in New York. 1223 01:27:17,392 --> 01:27:22,272 It had to be you 1224 01:27:26,359 --> 01:27:29,613 It had to be you 1225 01:27:33,741 --> 01:27:36,704 I wandered around 1226 01:27:36,828 --> 01:27:40,916 And I finally found 1227 01:27:41,041 --> 01:27:44,795 The somebody who 1228 01:27:48,131 --> 01:27:53,845 Could make me be true 1229 01:27:54,388 --> 01:27:58,851 And could make me be blue... 1230 01:28:00,228 --> 01:28:03,314 - I'm going. - It's almost midnight! 1231 01:28:03,731 --> 01:28:07,443 - The thought of not kissing somebody... - I'll kiss you. 1232 01:28:08,569 --> 01:28:11,071 Hey, taxi! Taxi! 1233 01:28:11,198 --> 01:28:13,200 Taxi! 1234 01:28:13,325 --> 01:28:15,160 Shit. 1235 01:28:16,035 --> 01:28:20,623 - Come on, stay. Please. - Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go. 1236 01:28:20,749 --> 01:28:23,502 - Wait two minutes. - I'll call you tomorrow. 1237 01:28:23,627 --> 01:28:28,799 Might never be mean 1238 01:28:31,008 --> 01:28:34,806 Might never be cross 1239 01:28:34,930 --> 01:28:37,975 Or try to be boss 1240 01:28:39,058 --> 01:28:43,605 But they wouldn't do 1241 01:28:45,857 --> 01:28:49,945 For nobody else 1242 01:28:50,070 --> 01:28:53,489 Gave me a thrill 1243 01:28:54,573 --> 01:28:57,203 With all your faults 1244 01:28:57,328 --> 01:29:00,373 I love you still 1245 01:29:00,497 --> 01:29:03,208 It had to be you... 1246 01:29:03,332 --> 01:29:07,255 I've been doin' a lot of thinkin', and the thing is, I love you. 1247 01:29:07,381 --> 01:29:10,133 - What? - I love you. 1248 01:29:10,507 --> 01:29:14,846 - How d'you expect me to respond to this? - How about you love me, too? 1249 01:29:15,346 --> 01:29:19,392 - How about I'm leaving? - Doesn't what I said mean anything? 1250 01:29:19,517 --> 01:29:23,478 Sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeling lonely, 1251 01:29:23,603 --> 01:29:28,902 but you just can't show up, say you love me and expect that to make it all right. 1252 01:29:29,027 --> 01:29:32,530 - It doesn't work this way. - Well, how does it work? 1253 01:29:32,655 --> 01:29:36,451 - I don't know, but not this way. - Then how about this way? 1254 01:29:36,576 --> 01:29:39,119 I love that you get cold when it's 71° out. 1255 01:29:39,244 --> 01:29:42,039 I love that it takes you 1 1/2 hours to order a sandwich. 1256 01:29:42,165 --> 01:29:45,543 I love that you get a crinkle here when you look at me like I'm nuts. 1257 01:29:45,668 --> 01:29:49,505 I love that after I spend a day with you I smell your perfume on my clothes. 1258 01:29:49,630 --> 01:29:54,260 And I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night. 1259 01:29:54,385 --> 01:29:58,182 And it's not because I'm lonely or because it's New Year's Eve. 1260 01:29:58,307 --> 01:30:02,519 I came cos when you realise you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone 1261 01:30:02,644 --> 01:30:06,064 you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. 1262 01:30:09,400 --> 01:30:11,444 You see? 1263 01:30:12,237 --> 01:30:14,282 That is just like you, Harry. 1264 01:30:14,407 --> 01:30:18,994 You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you! 1265 01:30:19,912 --> 01:30:22,873 And I hate you, Harry. 1266 01:30:23,832 --> 01:30:26,127 I really hate you. 1267 01:30:29,881 --> 01:30:31,924 I hate you. 1268 01:30:49,234 --> 01:30:52,487 What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know. 1269 01:30:52,612 --> 01:30:56,198 "Should auld acquaintance be forgot" - should we forget old acquaintances? 1270 01:30:56,323 --> 01:30:58,660 Or if we forget them, should we remember them? 1271 01:30:58,785 --> 01:31:01,579 Which is not possible cos we already forgot 'em! 1272 01:31:01,704 --> 01:31:06,418 Maybe it just means we should remember that we forgot them, or something. 1273 01:31:08,879 --> 01:31:11,882 Anyway, it's about old friends. 1274 01:31:18,638 --> 01:31:21,183 The first time we met we hated each other. 1275 01:31:21,308 --> 01:31:26,146 No, I hated you. The second time we met, you didn't even remember me. 1276 01:31:26,272 --> 01:31:28,606 I did, too! I remembered you. 1277 01:31:28,731 --> 01:31:31,277 The third time we met we became friends. 1278 01:31:31,402 --> 01:31:34,821 - We were friends for a long time. - And then we weren't. 1279 01:31:34,947 --> 01:31:37,324 And then we fell in love. 1280 01:31:37,741 --> 01:31:41,328 - Three months later we got married. - It only took three months. 1281 01:31:41,454 --> 01:31:43,289 12 years and three months. 1282 01:31:43,414 --> 01:31:47,960 - We had a really wonderful wedding. - It really was a beautiful wedding. 1283 01:31:48,085 --> 01:31:52,340 - We had this enormous coconut cake. - Huge coconut cake with the tiers. 1284 01:31:52,465 --> 01:31:55,510 And there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side. 1285 01:31:55,635 --> 01:31:59,097 Right. Cos not everybody likes it on the cake cos it makes it soggy. 1286 01:31:59,222 --> 01:32:03,933 Particularly, the coconut soaks up a lot, so it's important to keep it on the side. 1287 01:32:04,602 --> 01:32:06,770 It had to be you 1288 01:32:06,938 --> 01:32:09,439 It had to be you 1289 01:32:09,607 --> 01:32:12,359 I wandered around and finally found 1290 01:32:12,527 --> 01:32:14,694 The somebody who 1291 01:32:14,862 --> 01:32:17,322 Could make me be true 1292 01:32:17,490 --> 01:32:20,116 Could make me be blue 1293 01:32:20,284 --> 01:32:22,911 And even be glad just to be sad 1294 01:32:23,079 --> 01:32:25,622 Thinking of you 1295 01:32:26,457 --> 01:32:28,959 But you say ee-ther, and I say either 1296 01:32:29,126 --> 01:32:31,503 You say nee-ther, I say neither 1297 01:32:31,671 --> 01:32:34,089 Ee-ther, either Nee-ther, neither 1298 01:32:34,257 --> 01:32:36,967 Let's call the whole thing off 1299 01:32:37,134 --> 01:32:39,469 You say potato and I say pot-ahto 1300 01:32:39,637 --> 01:32:42,138 You say tomato, I say tom-ahto 1301 01:32:42,306 --> 01:32:44,808 Potato, pot-ahto Tomato, tom-ahto 1302 01:32:44,976 --> 01:32:47,435 Let's call the whole thing off 1303 01:32:47,603 --> 01:32:52,440 Oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part 1304 01:32:52,608 --> 01:32:58,071 And though if we ever part, that would break my heart 1305 01:32:58,239 --> 01:33:00,574 You say laughter, I say larf-ter 1306 01:33:00,741 --> 01:33:03,034 You say after, I say arf-ter 1307 01:33:03,202 --> 01:33:05,203 Before we know we need each other 1308 01:33:05,371 --> 01:33:08,498 So we'd better call, call it off, oh! 1309 01:33:08,666 --> 01:33:10,500 - Let's - Call it off! 1310 01:33:10,668 --> 01:33:13,128 - Oh, let's - Call it off! 1311 01:33:13,296 --> 01:33:15,672 - Baby, let's - Call it off! 1312 01:33:15,840 --> 01:33:19,092 Sugar, why don't we 1313 01:33:19,260 --> 01:33:22,596 Let's, let's call the whole thing 1314 01:34:04,805 --> 01:34:10,060 They're writing songs of love, but not for me 1315 01:34:10,227 --> 01:34:14,981 A lucky star's above, but not for me 1316 01:34:15,149 --> 01:34:20,320 With love to lead the way, I've found more clouds of gray 1317 01:34:20,488 --> 01:34:25,659 Than any Russian play could guarantee 1318 01:34:25,826 --> 01:34:30,830 I was a fool to fall and get that way 1319 01:34:30,998 --> 01:34:32,832 Hi-ho alas 1320 01:34:33,000 --> 01:34:36,211 And also lackaday 1321 01:34:36,379 --> 01:34:41,800 Although I can't dismiss the memory of her kiss 1322 01:34:41,967 --> 01:34:45,136 I guess she's not 1323 01:34:45,304 --> 01:34:47,806 For 1324 01:34:47,973 --> 01:34:51,434 Me 1325 01:34:52,353 --> 01:34:57,774 It had to be you 1326 01:35:02,780 --> 01:35:05,615 For nobody else gave me a thrill 1327 01:35:05,783 --> 01:35:08,159 With all your faults, I love you still 1328 01:35:08,327 --> 01:35:10,912 It had to be you, wonderful you 1329 01:35:11,080 --> 01:35:13,331 It had to be you