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Stand by, lights, for cue one.
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Welcome to "The Tom Dobbs Show."
Please have your tickets ready for the ushers.
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Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.
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Take your seats, please.
Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.
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This story might fall under the heading of
"one thing leads to another."
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It started on August 20th.
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At 7 p.m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful
cable show featuring political comedy,
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was talking to the audience during the warm-up
routine prior to the taping of his show.
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Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show.
The cameras are pointing at nothing
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and some critics have said that too.
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But I'm just here to talk to you,
warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.
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Sorry.
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I'll back up now for harassment reasons.
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The government said recently... Well, a lot of people
said that we're cutting back spending.
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But NASA actually spent $28 million
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to develop a fountain pen
to write upside down in space in zero gravity.
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The Russians solved the same problem
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with five-cent pencil.
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Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity.
After two cases of vodka, still writing.
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If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought
a Mercedes recently with the talking GPS.
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"Up ahead, take a right." I opened the door
and the car went, "Are you Jewish?"
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But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.
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You'll get on the scale and the scale will go,
"Psst! I've talked to the microwave."
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I notice many of you with little cellphones.
Soon they'll get so small they'll just be inside...
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Hold on, I got a call. Hello.
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No, I'll make it louder. Hold on.
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Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.
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Oh, wait. I got mail.
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It was during a Q and A
that a woman made a statement.
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- Yes, ma'am.
- Hi.
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I feel so frustrated with the political system
and my friends say the same thing all the time.
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Maybe you should run for President.
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The comment was quickly forgotten
and minutes later the show got under way.
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Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated
with the polarization of the parties
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and lack of accountability.
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It's crazy. A woman tonight
said I should run for President.
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Maybe I should.
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Within three hours there were four million emails
endorsing Dobbs for President.
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Over the course of the next week,
Dobbs mentioned this four more times.
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The internet was on fire.
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Over eight million emails.
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It was a grass-roots movement
fueled by the power of the internet
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and the cult of personality.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for your patience.
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We have a great show for you tonight,
so without any further ado...
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On September 2nd
something very, very unusual happens.
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Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy
for President of the United States.
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Did you write that? Where's the punch line?
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Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was a political stunt,
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or maybe it was because Tom believed
his audience demanded it. Who knows?
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As Tom Dobbs' manager
I was as shocked as everyone around me
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and I wasn't exactly pleased.
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Does this mean I'm out of a job?
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Shortly thereafter,
Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states.
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That was part one
of the unusual progression of events.
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On the West Coast the second domino toppled over.
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Voter confusion...
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Endless recounts...
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Unreliable results...
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Democracy held hostage.
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In today's America, technology empowers the public
in nearly everything they do.
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And now, voting with confidence.
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Introducing the Delacroy voting system.
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Congress decided that Delacroy Systems
would have the national franchise
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for computerized voting
in the coming presidential election.
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In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.
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For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.
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It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.
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It was of course a major coup
for this Silicon Valley-based company.
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When the dubbed versions come in
I need to see the contracts.
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Delacroy.
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As C.E.O. of Delacroy, James Hemmings
lovingly watched his stock rise.
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In the bowels of the building,
something else was about to take place.
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I got the ballot from San Mateo
so I thought I'd run my own election
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with the referendums, propositions
and just add the candidates' names.
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Why?
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We've never run a configuration like this ballot,
so I thought I'd give it a test drive.
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Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.
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It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.
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Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what
you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.
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Whether she was being diligent in her work,
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whether she was obsessive-compulsive, or whether
she didn't have a personal life, who knows?
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But late that night she found something
that seemed very wrong.
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Mills, I voted for you three times as much
as I voted for President Kellogg.
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Why did the President win?
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Like a good, dedicated employee,
she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings.
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She wrote that something was wrong.
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She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"
"compatibility problem," things like that.
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Hemmings read the email
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and reacted as a C.E.O. whose stock fortune
was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.
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If there really was a problem
it was too late to correct it,
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so he ignored the memo
and hoped the problem would go away.
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I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently
saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.
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All right. I will address the issue.
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The issue revolves around representation.
The people of America are not being represented.
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Our political leaders are too indebted
to special-interest groups and party politics.
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This country was founded on the principle
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of government of the people,
by the people, for the people.
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We are the wealthiest nation
in the history of the world,
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we are the most powerful nation on this planet,
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and yet we can't educate our own children.
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- Thought that went pretty well.
- Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.
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Don't start.
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Everybody Loves Raymond
is doing huge numbers in reruns.
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- Comedy sells. Can we remember that?
- I don't want to get into this.
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I don't care what you say, but say it with humor.
These crowds expect it.
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You give speech after speech, nothing's funny.
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- They'll get funny when I'm back on the show.
- It's too dry.
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I came on the campaign to talk about issues.
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There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
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Remember the motto "It's no joke?"
It's no joke!
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Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?
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You're a comedian who talks about politics.
So when you talk about politics without the comedy,
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it's like wanting to get laid
and forgetting to bring along the woman.
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You'll quickly discover something is missing.
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We should have politicians who represent us
and not special-interest groups.
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Whenever they want to distract you
they use weapons of mass distraction -
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they bring up a constitutional amendment
to ban burning of the flag.
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By spending time in Congress talking about that,
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you deny other things -
education, environmental issues...
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I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.
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That's where most of the money goes
in any political campaign.
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Politicians have to spend so much money
just to buy TV time.
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This is where the special-interest groups start.
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When you have a political campaign
that costs $200 million,
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you owe someone something
somewhere down the line.
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That's why I refuse to run television commercials.
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Just be entertaining. Look at it this way.
Who would you rather have dinner with:
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Richard Pryor in his prime,
or Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?
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Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting.
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If there's no candles, Richard.
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But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"
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"What? Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"
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He's in the debate?
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He's in the debate!
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- Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate!
- What?
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They're gonna let him participate in the debate.
Have we struck gold or what!
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- Oh, my God!
- We'll have to start writing.
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We can write it, but is he gonna do any of it?
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- Praise the internet!
- 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!
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The following is a quote
from our debate advisory standards:
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"All candidates who demonstrate
seriousness of purpose and significant support
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"going into the final 30 days of an election
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"should be included in debates." Unquote.
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Yes!
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Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's
inclusion of Tom Dobbs.
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He's by far the strongest of the independents
and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.
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I'm more than confident
of my decisions, my positions,
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and my relationship with the voting public.
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And my hair.
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Oh...
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I think the first thing you gotta do
is say you have unconfirmed information
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that the other candidates
have had sex with farm animals.
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It goes back to the Johnson thing.
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President Johnson said he wanted to accuse
his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?
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His staffer said, "How can you prove that?"
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He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."
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- Seriousness of purpose.
- The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.
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The air will be full of bullshit.
They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.
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They'll thank their wives, children,
all their campaign supporters.
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This is our night to shine, Tom.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
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It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall
but shows up and plays the violin.
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It's not what they go to see.
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How many analogies do you have left?
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How many does it take to make my point?
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I didn't mean to yell.
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You gotta cut loose. In this debate,
get your show attitude in there.
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Yeah, but may I reiterate?
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They got me in
because of my seriousness of purpose.
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- That's why we're in this debate.
- Serious talk puts us to sleep.
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You wanna talk about a serious issue,
nowadays people tune out.
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Wait a second.
Do you think anybody remembers the issues?
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When there's a debate...
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When was the last time any human being,
any American, watched the debate and went:
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- "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"
- "I believe he talked about fiscal policy."
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"Oh, my God! My eyes are open
and I can hear again!"
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All they remember is Nixon sweating
like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.
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That's not good.
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I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without
water. An acerbic comment, would it kill you?
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More and more people are watching your show,
Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news.
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News from comedians. How crazy is that?
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Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.
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I hope this doesn't sound silly,
but the other two candidates are family men.
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OK? And, Tom, with all due respect,
how are you gonna come off as family-friendly?
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Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
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I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there.
But Chicago, the dead vote.
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She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts
and we see the candidates' wives in their red suits...
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You mean I have to get married before the debate?
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Campaign during the day, date at night.
It's like some weird reality show.
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It's not a bad idea really, is it?
Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.
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Here's our first contestant. Your name, please?
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Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.
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Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant No. 2, your name?
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My name is Miss Sogyny.
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Yes, I thought he was really hot.
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But when I found out about his radical
environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm."
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I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.
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I want a man who's not afraid
to go in the wetlands and drill.
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Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud
and take it home, daddy. That's how I feel.
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It's a piece-of-shit idea that could work.
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Yeah, but you're running...
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You're running
because the people wanted you to run.
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Why do you think they wanted you to run? To listen
to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me?
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- I can barely listen to you talk about issues.
- Have I not said this a hundred times?
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In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.
That's how I got here.
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I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work.
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You gotta go to makeup, Tom.
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Menken.
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- Look at this.
- It's like the circus.
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- This is nuts.
- When I was a kid, I was in the circus.
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- No.
- Yes. I used to shave elephants.
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You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.
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I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards.
In the wild they rub it on trees.
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In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.
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One of those pump things with gasoline.
You throw it all over their face.
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You gonna have coffee?
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- Because I need it to stay awake.
- Do you have any green tea?
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- How long have you been smoking?
- Since I was seven.
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Since you were seven.
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My father was a big smoker.
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While President Kellogg and Senator Mills
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have spent approximately $195 million apiece
on the campaign for media advertising,
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Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.
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He refuses to spend money on media,
saying, "Candidates are not products."
225
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:35,124
Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17%
in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.
226
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,095
- You want a beer or soda?
- Soda, please.
227
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:43,795
...compared to a network show, he has been
extremely influential in some smaller circles.
228
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:46,929
- We got some clips. Are they ready?
- I TiVo all his shows.
229
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,871
Here's some excerpts.
230
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:53,776
Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced
they are replacing air bags in their new sedans
231
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,280
with breast implants.
232
00:16:56,348 --> 00:17:00,614
The number of rear-end collisions
has increased 95% in Sweden.
233
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:04,645
A lot of guys just like to bump their car
and see what happens.
234
00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:07,317
Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard
235
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:12,057
and said, "It's my choice.
I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland."
236
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:16,463
You know, I didn't mention this
at the time when he was chosen Pope.
237
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,938
I was always hoping in my own heart
for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul -
238
00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:26,945
just so you could have the nuns
in the thong and the feathers.
239
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:30,175
I was thinking that would bring
a lot of people back to the Church.
240
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,987
- You've got really great skin.
- Thank you.
241
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:45,791
- A little bit of a tan.
- Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.
242
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:50,096
I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
but I think they set it on George Hamilton.
243
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:54,071
- George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill?
- No, that's George Foreman.
244
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:58,473
You wanna get married?
I need a wife before the debate.
245
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:01,445
- Interested?
- Uh... I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.
246
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:05,108
We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue,
nothing ostentatious.
247
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:09,746
Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand
phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.
248
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,517
Are you nervous?
249
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,787
Why else would I propose
to a woman I never met before?
250
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:18,125
- But you have your own TV show.
- But on the show I ask the questions.
251
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,188
You've got two minutes, Tom.
252
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:00,595
Here we go.
253
00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:04,164
Good evening.
Welcome to this last presidential debate
254
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:08,009
between the major candidates
for President of the United States.
255
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,107
The candidates are:
the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,
256
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:15,051
the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
257
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:20,786
and for the first time included in tonight's debate,
the independent, Tom Dobbs.
258
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:23,826
My name is Faith Daniels
and I'll be the moderator
259
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:26,922
- for tonight's 90-minute debate which is coming...
- Cute.
260
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:30,264
- Cleavage. Is that legal?
- Very cute.
261
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:36,535
The format has been agreed to by representatives
of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.
262
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:40,237
There is no subject matter that's restricted.
263
00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:44,874
As always, each candidate will have
up to two minutes to make a closing statement.
264
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:50,911
The order of those, as well as the formal questioning
tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.
265
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:55,585
Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome.
Let's begin.
266
00:19:55,661 --> 00:20:01,031
Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain your decision
to run for President of the United States?
267
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:05,627
I decided to run
because I'm fed up with party politics.
268
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,867
I'm tired of the Republican Party
and of the Democratic Party.
269
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,136
- Edgy!
- There's no real difference.
270
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,508
It's a Mr. Potato candidate.
271
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:18,846
Basically, you have a thing here where,
here's the operative word: party.
272
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,784
Behind closed doors,
I think they just have a good time.
273
00:20:21,853 --> 00:20:25,789
When you read the transcripts,
some of the things your Secretary of Defense says,
274
00:20:25,857 --> 00:20:29,884
I think there must be an open bar somewhere.
275
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:33,693
The bottom line is,
they've lost track of what they're responsible for.
276
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:36,734
They're responsible to the people,
not party loyalties -
277
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,965
and definitely not lobbyists.
278
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:42,905
- That's why I want to run for President.
- Not punchy enough.
279
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:47,674
- You have one minute remaining on your time.
- Needs a little more flare.
280
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:52,945
- Can I get a refund?
- We will continue.
281
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,543
Senator Mills,
I'd like to ask you the same question.
282
00:20:55,621 --> 00:21:00,957
First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank
all of you who are responsible for having us here.
283
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:07,590
I'd also like to thank my wife and children,
who have been very supportive of my candidacy.
284
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:13,730
- This guy smiles so much, it's upsetting me.
- I thank all of those who made this possible.
285
00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:17,969
And if I may reiterate
some of the comments of Senator Mills
286
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:22,673
with respect to family, children, wives
and immediate family,
287
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:27,515
and the enormously important role that they play
in our failure or success -
288
00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:30,680
and in my case, success:
289
00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:33,657
- my love to them, my love to all of you who...
- What?!
290
00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:38,424
- He's talking about his wife and children.
- Why's he running on? Who cares?
291
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:39,987
Thank you so much.
292
00:21:40,565 --> 00:21:46,401
And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate
of tough security measures.
293
00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:49,167
President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.
294
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:52,836
I am in total agreement,
without equivocation,
295
00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:56,608
that security measures have got to remain tough.
296
00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:59,674
Thank you.
297
00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:04,183
Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be
on national security?
298
00:22:04,256 --> 00:22:05,883
- Come on.
- Tom, go for it.
299
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:08,721
- Do it.
- Some of these measures are already tough.
300
00:22:08,794 --> 00:22:13,128
If you've ever been through passport control,
you stand in line with thousands of people,
301
00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:17,862
eventually you get to an immigration officer
who takes your passport.
302
00:22:17,936 --> 00:22:20,734
He looks at your passport picture,
looks back at you,
303
00:22:20,806 --> 00:22:24,003
says, "Why did you have your hair cut?"
"I don't know."
304
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:28,911
They have a video camera that takes a picture
and compares it to your previous picture.
305
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,845
They're very tough about that.
They're very skeptical.
306
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:33,214
- He's got to make his move.
- More oomph!
307
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:37,346
Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country,
four million illegal aliens
308
00:22:37,422 --> 00:22:40,858
are crossing the border
with bedroom sets and night tables.
309
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:44,521
- Hit 'em again!
- And we're trying to reenter the country legally!
310
00:22:44,596 --> 00:22:47,622
They ask you tough questions like,
"Where have you been? Why?"
311
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:51,226
You start to doubt yourself.
"I forgot why I was there."
312
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:57,731
"I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation.
I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why."
313
00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:01,007
And then...
314
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,982
The next thing you know, they're patting down
an 85-year-old lady in a walker.
315
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:10,283
Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady
in a walker and she's a terrorist,
316
00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:13,791
basically, game's over, folks.
317
00:23:13,859 --> 00:23:18,023
And when they start to put on that rubber glove
and look at me, I'm going, "OK..."
318
00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:20,860
"Maybe we should have dinner first
before we do this."
319
00:23:20,932 --> 00:23:25,096
I'm saying let's have real security,
not just the illusion of security...
320
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:28,333
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Oh, yeah! All right!
321
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:29,567
Oh!
322
00:23:29,641 --> 00:23:35,773
- I... fully support hydrogen cars.
- But you're backed by oil companies.
323
00:23:35,847 --> 00:23:37,940
- You'll have your turn, Mr. Dobbs.
- Sorry.
324
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:44,421
Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate
have come up with an interesting strategy...
325
00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:48,084
If you're in bed with oil companies,
you can't talk about fuel efficiency.
326
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,220
- It's like being a kosher pig farmer.
- He's getting angry.
327
00:23:51,296 --> 00:23:54,891
- This is not your talk show.
- And you're not on your private plane,
328
00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:59,062
flying to the golf vacation you took with
the heads of the major oil corporations.
329
00:23:59,137 --> 00:24:02,300
- Wow.
- It's like something I never saw before.
330
00:24:02,374 --> 00:24:06,538
Or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane?
Oh, that's a blimp, I'm sorry.
331
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:09,307
No smoking in the hydrogen...
Boom! Hindenburg!
332
00:24:09,381 --> 00:24:12,612
- Mr. Dobbs, please.
- Of course he's for hydrogen.
333
00:24:12,684 --> 00:24:16,848
It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile,
we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.
334
00:24:16,922 --> 00:24:22,724
We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane -
it's hard to hold that chicken over the gas tank.
335
00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:26,958
- Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol.
- Mr. Dobbs...
336
00:24:27,032 --> 00:24:31,469
If you get stopped by the police, say,
"My car's been drinking, not me!"
337
00:24:31,536 --> 00:24:36,098
Or maybe helium, 'cause if you have a helium car...
338
00:24:36,174 --> 00:24:40,907
if you have a helium car and you get rear-ended...
"Hey, something's wrong!"
339
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:44,915
You have got to return to your podium.
340
00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:49,147
- Can we get some order here?
- You talk about responsibility!
341
00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:54,887
- Your Treasury Department lost $28 million!
- Please, return to your podium.
342
00:24:54,960 --> 00:25:00,193
Tell me that you are not receiving major
campaign finance contributions from oil companies.
343
00:25:00,265 --> 00:25:04,759
- Boom!
- I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar.
344
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:08,465
If this is a debate,
you should answer questions honestly.
345
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:10,701
You should be accountable for who you are.
346
00:25:10,775 --> 00:25:13,573
The voters should know what you represent,
347
00:25:13,645 --> 00:25:17,103
and if you represent special-interest groups,
we should be like NASCAR.
348
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:21,312
We'd be in the Senate with our suits on,
and if you're backed by something,
349
00:25:21,386 --> 00:25:24,253
it'd be like little patches
like they wear in NASCAR.
350
00:25:24,322 --> 00:25:27,780
"Vioxx - the backaches end,
the heart attacks begin."
351
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:31,056
Put the big one on the back:
"Enron - we take your money and run."
352
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:32,619
Smack down!
353
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:34,858
It's all about accountability...
354
00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:38,699
We have a format that we have agreed upon.
May I remind you...
355
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:44,072
- For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here.
- ...and the airlines...
356
00:25:44,142 --> 00:25:46,610
Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me?
357
00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:50,705
Can you get control of this, please?
Get control of this!
358
00:25:50,782 --> 00:25:54,513
We deal in weapons of mass distraction.
They push your buttons.
359
00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:59,888
He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants
an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning.
360
00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:03,291
It's an emotional issue!
They talk about the desecration of the flag,
361
00:26:03,361 --> 00:26:06,990
but if you go online right now,
you can buy flag underwear!
362
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:08,555
Wow!
363
00:26:08,633 --> 00:26:13,161
You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong
and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!"
364
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,542
- It's all about distractions!
- Mr. Dobbs...
365
00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:24,412
No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass
an amendment against same-sex marriage!
366
00:26:24,482 --> 00:26:27,781
Anybody who's ever been married knows
it's always the same sex!
367
00:26:27,852 --> 00:26:30,013
- Mr. Dobbs!
- They don't know what to do.
368
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:31,715
- What's up with that?
- Mr. Dobbs!
369
00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:36,090
It's a distraction! They point over here,
they point over there - they want you not to know.
370
00:26:36,161 --> 00:26:41,189
You don't want an amendment to the Constitution
on burning the flag. Make it out of asbestos!
371
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:45,032
- Please do not make a mockery of this.
- Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs.
372
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:48,971
- Return to your podium.
- It was a mockery a long time before I came.
373
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:54,374
Now we got applause. This is wonderful.
374
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:56,937
We're absolutely out of control.
375
00:26:57,015 --> 00:27:01,247
- $200 billion, you could buy a few books!
- Mr. Dobbs!
376
00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:10,292
It's hard to say
how voters will react to Dobbs -
377
00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:13,024
either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.
378
00:27:13,098 --> 00:27:17,626
He did make some issues come home to people,
and if he could actually follow through,
379
00:27:17,702 --> 00:27:19,260
he may have scored points.
380
00:27:19,337 --> 00:27:23,171
Good point.
But this wasn't just funny in the abstract,
381
00:27:23,241 --> 00:27:25,402
it was very pointed and very to the point.
382
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:30,244
He was making political points through his comedy,
and it was incredible entertainment.
383
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,783
How good the politics is,
we'll have to wait and see.
384
00:27:32,851 --> 00:27:36,787
It's going to be difficult to assess
how the American public will respond
385
00:27:36,855 --> 00:27:40,018
to the level of undisciplined behavior
Tom Dobbs exhibited.
386
00:27:40,091 --> 00:27:43,720
- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.
- Jack. Excuse me.
387
00:27:43,795 --> 00:27:47,856
Can you go see Tom right away?
He thinks he screwed up.
388
00:27:47,932 --> 00:27:51,959
Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!
389
00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:57,497
Who gives a shit what talking heads think?
Different is good.
390
00:27:57,575 --> 00:28:01,909
When I first saw you,
I liked you because you were different, new.
391
00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:06,383
You talked too fast - couldn't understand you
half the time - but you were fresh.
392
00:28:06,451 --> 00:28:10,888
These politicians today look like
they're borrowed from the wax museum.
393
00:28:10,955 --> 00:28:14,049
They're already in their suits,
waiting to be buried.
394
00:28:14,125 --> 00:28:17,356
You wanna be like them?
Waste of time - you wanna be different.
395
00:28:17,429 --> 00:28:19,226
All bets are off.
396
00:28:19,297 --> 00:28:25,065
You're a good candidate, Tom -
as loony as that seems - but...
397
00:28:25,136 --> 00:28:27,127
What?
398
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:33,640
...you could be... an even better one.
399
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,737
Are you all right?
400
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:41,351
- What's wrong?
- I'm just a little short of breath.
401
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:49,658
Let's get you to the hospital.
402
00:29:11,282 --> 00:29:16,811
It's his emphysema. He has a problem with
the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.
403
00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:22,724
There seems to be a link between smoking
and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
404
00:29:23,294 --> 00:29:26,457
It'll be the first time
I'll be in front of an audience without him.
405
00:29:26,531 --> 00:29:30,968
You do what you did tonight
and things could get really interesting.
406
00:29:40,879 --> 00:29:45,179
The old bastard's right. Look at that.
You gotta be different to make an impression.
407
00:29:45,250 --> 00:29:48,014
I'm shaking it up there.
408
00:29:48,086 --> 00:29:54,355
Forget trying to be presidential.
You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit.
409
00:29:54,425 --> 00:29:57,451
I gotta play my game.
410
00:29:57,529 --> 00:30:02,933
They thought I was wild in the debate?
Watch me in the next two weeks.
411
00:30:04,002 --> 00:30:05,469
I'm back.
412
00:30:05,537 --> 00:30:09,871
How do you answer the allegations
that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?
413
00:30:09,941 --> 00:30:14,901
I definitely was, yes. I did inhale,
because I thought, "What the hell? I'll inhale it."
414
00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:19,473
- You're not denying these charges?
- Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned.
415
00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:23,078
- Do you think it'll affect the campaign?
- You wanna know my history?
416
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:29,093
When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures
of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong.
417
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,628
At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.
418
00:30:31,696 --> 00:30:35,257
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.
I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
419
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:39,599
I once had a blind date that I left in the theater.
I felt so bad, I married her.
420
00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:44,438
That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with.
I just farted a little while back there.
421
00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:48,878
If you find any other nonsense
you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it.
422
00:30:48,947 --> 00:30:51,643
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's now time for the campaign.
423
00:30:51,716 --> 00:30:55,379
It's gonna be a whole new ball game,
so brace yourselves, people.
424
00:30:56,888 --> 00:31:00,483
Are you tired of the Democratic Party?
425
00:31:00,558 --> 00:31:03,527
Are you tired of the Republican Party?
426
00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:07,395
Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?
427
00:31:07,465 --> 00:31:12,164
Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists
as they've ever had before?
428
00:31:13,137 --> 00:31:17,335
Then I... I have an idea:
don't vote for the congressmen or senators.
429
00:31:17,408 --> 00:31:19,968
You don't have to vote.
Know how we're gonna pick 'em?
430
00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:22,877
- No!
- The same way we pick a jury.
431
00:31:22,947 --> 00:31:28,579
You'll get a more interesting cross section
than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it.
432
00:31:28,653 --> 00:31:32,521
Do you want a better healthcare system?
433
00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:36,754
You have an HMO that says,
"We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses."
434
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:39,353
You can have a hard-on,
but you can't see where to put it.
435
00:31:39,430 --> 00:31:42,422
- We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah!
- Yeah!
436
00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:46,129
We're not just talking liberal or conservative -
big-time change.
437
00:31:46,204 --> 00:31:52,336
Recently, a lot of the past administrations said
it's unpatriotic to question the government.
438
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:57,746
If it was unpatriotic to question the government,
we'd still be English!
439
00:31:57,815 --> 00:32:01,410
The Boston Tea Party
wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."
440
00:32:01,486 --> 00:32:04,887
It was a lot of guys in Boston going,
"Here's your tea, right here!"
441
00:32:04,956 --> 00:32:09,120
# I'm tired of the Democratic Party
I'm tired of the Republican Party
442
00:32:09,193 --> 00:32:12,890
We're talking about freedom of speech.
And freedom of religion -
443
00:32:12,964 --> 00:32:15,865
practicing any religion you want,
anytime, anywhere.
444
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:20,735
You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist.
You sit and you wait for things to go on sale.
445
00:32:20,805 --> 00:32:24,798
We're talking about freedom of religion.
Occasionally, religion crosses over.
446
00:32:24,876 --> 00:32:28,243
You have people saying,
"You must teach intelligent design."
447
00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:31,714
Look at the human body.
Is it intelligent? I find it more interesting.
448
00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:36,083
You have a waste-processing plant
next to a recreation area.
449
00:32:36,154 --> 00:32:39,123
They attack environmentalists:
"You're a tree-hugger."
450
00:32:39,190 --> 00:32:41,249
I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree."
451
00:32:41,326 --> 00:32:45,956
"If you find the right naughty pine,
you're gonna have a good night."
452
00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:48,897
"Who's your woodsman?
Who's your woodsman?"
453
00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:52,164
I'm not just a tree-hugger,
I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.
454
00:32:52,236 --> 00:32:58,175
It's bad enough with the squirrels going...
"Please help me. I can't breathe today."
455
00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:05,912
If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be
fishing, going: "I love catching two-headed bass."
456
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:09,249
"They're good eating once you get past the tumors."
457
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,222
# I'm tired of the Democratic Party
Now I'm tired of the Republican Party
458
00:33:13,291 --> 00:33:16,260
That's why we're here -
'cause you want change! Yeah!
459
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:21,560
You wanna shake it up!
You have to be eyes wide open, ready to move on!
460
00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:25,598
Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together,
461
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:29,606
moving forward, because the future is now!
462
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:35,911
Oh, yeah!
463
00:33:36,614 --> 00:33:37,706
Yeah!
464
00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:22,992
You're the greatest!
465
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,723
- Thank you.
- You sure you don't want one of us to drive?
466
00:34:25,797 --> 00:34:30,825
- It's eight hours back to Chicago.
- I just wanna be alone with my Barry White tapes.
467
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:37,102
Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak,
so he could doze off before all the results are in.
468
00:34:37,175 --> 00:34:41,009
What's new?
He used to do that during my act!
469
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:45,982
Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes
for Menken. They're cheaper on the road.
470
00:34:46,050 --> 00:34:48,610
You're so thoughtful.
471
00:34:48,686 --> 00:34:51,951
- It's my middle name.
- Compassion.
472
00:34:57,161 --> 00:34:59,391
Exit polls are very close.
473
00:34:59,464 --> 00:35:05,300
Kellogg and Mills are running about even,
with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote.
474
00:35:17,849 --> 00:35:22,912
As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by
a small margin over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
475
00:35:22,987 --> 00:35:24,978
Connecticut and Massachusetts.
476
00:35:25,056 --> 00:35:28,389
But in all three states, the numbers are very close.
477
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:31,485
See the numbers?
The computer glitch is happening the same way.
478
00:35:31,562 --> 00:35:36,465
It looks as if Delaware now is going to
President Kellogg by a very close margin.
479
00:35:36,534 --> 00:35:40,095
- What do you mean, it's not computing right?
- Something's wrong.
480
00:35:41,272 --> 00:35:46,232
An unusual turn of events in Virginia:
with now 87% of the vote in,
481
00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:48,801
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.
482
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,542
That will surprise
more than a few of the experts.
483
00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:54,642
The Dobbs numbers have been increasing
since the last debate.
484
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,552
Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%.
485
00:35:57,622 --> 00:36:00,250
So, if this vote holds true in Virginia,
486
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,792
Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.
487
00:36:02,860 --> 00:36:05,192
Yeah!
488
00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:19,840
Ding-dong!
489
00:36:19,911 --> 00:36:22,971
- Ready for your pi�a colonic?
- What are you doing here?
490
00:36:23,047 --> 00:36:26,244
Thought I'd spend the evening
with someone who gets on my nerves.
491
00:36:26,317 --> 00:36:31,778
- How about Virginia?
- Virginia's OK, but Debbie... Such a slut!
492
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:35,724
A little intensive care package here.
Red wine.
493
00:36:35,793 --> 00:36:38,318
- A good month.
- Yes.
494
00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:42,492
OK. A little cheese and p�t� -
always good after a heart attack.
495
00:36:42,567 --> 00:36:44,535
Sit.
496
00:36:44,602 --> 00:36:48,470
Comedian Tom Dobbs has won
New Jersey as well as Virginia,
497
00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:50,029
a blue and a red state,
498
00:36:50,107 --> 00:36:53,702
which indicates
that his message cuts across political lines.
499
00:36:53,778 --> 00:36:56,110
It's gonna be interesting.
500
00:36:56,180 --> 00:37:02,016
You're not gonna win this election,
but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.
501
00:37:02,086 --> 00:37:06,682
From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy
voting system has worked extremely well.
502
00:37:06,757 --> 00:37:10,955
We're not hearing anything about
long lines at the booths or other snafus.
503
00:37:11,028 --> 00:37:16,489
It seems that this has probably straightened out
some of those voting problems of the past.
504
00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:38,783
- Excuse me.
- Hey, Eleanor.
505
00:37:38,856 --> 00:37:42,383
- Have you looked at these numbers?
- Yeah. Yeah.
506
00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:46,658
I emailed you. I told you I thought
there was something wrong with the system.
507
00:37:46,731 --> 00:37:51,065
- I was told the glitch was limited to my computer.
- Yeah.
508
00:37:51,135 --> 00:37:53,660
What? Are you calling me a liar?
509
00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:59,267
No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results,
this is what I mentioned to you in my email.
510
00:37:59,343 --> 00:38:02,642
- Why did you decide to test the system?
- I don't know.
511
00:38:02,713 --> 00:38:06,171
- Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count?
- I don't know.
512
00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:09,310
If you found a system error,
how were we gonna fix it?
513
00:38:09,387 --> 00:38:12,879
- I'm not sure.
- Look into your soul and ask yourself this:
514
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:18,418
why would you test the computer at such limits with
so few days left to fix a problem if you found one?
515
00:38:18,496 --> 00:38:20,828
I... was just double-checking.
516
00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:24,698
Do you want to destroy this company?
Because that's what you may do.
517
00:38:24,769 --> 00:38:29,365
You understand the ramifications. Do you want to put
over 1,000 employees out of work?
518
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:32,773
- Do ya?
- But the election will be a fraud.
519
00:38:32,843 --> 00:38:37,610
Here it is: the people are voting, there is
an election, the democratic process is working.
520
00:38:37,682 --> 00:38:42,244
The only sour note? They won't end up with
the person that they voted for to be the President.
521
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:47,622
But we can celebrate the process. The democratic
process which we hold so dear will have worked.
522
00:38:47,692 --> 00:38:50,217
Everybody's gonna be satisfied.
523
00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:55,630
Unless somebody discloses
indiscriminately, willy-nilly.
524
00:38:55,700 --> 00:39:00,399
It will appear democracy is in the shithouse,
and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent.
525
00:39:00,471 --> 00:39:03,702
- Now, was that your motive?
- No.
526
00:39:03,774 --> 00:39:06,106
America votes, a leader is chosen.
527
00:39:06,177 --> 00:39:09,476
But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.
528
00:39:09,547 --> 00:39:11,640
I... I just want to be truthful.
529
00:39:11,716 --> 00:39:16,619
Perception of legitimacy is more important
than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth.
530
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:20,248
Don't fuck with our democracy.
Don't undermine our way of life.
531
00:39:20,324 --> 00:39:25,284
Every American believes their vote counts.
Now you wanna tell them that's not true?
532
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:30,494
But the results of the election will be wrong!
One candidate will win because of computer error.
533
00:39:30,568 --> 00:39:32,559
- How do we know that?
- I'm telling you!
534
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:36,299
Based on what? Guessing.
Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.
535
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:41,277
If you wanna tinker with it for a future election,
it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.
536
00:39:41,345 --> 00:39:46,578
The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're
a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect,
537
00:39:46,650 --> 00:39:51,553
but do it alone and with an eye to the future,
538
00:39:51,622 --> 00:39:53,954
because it is the future that interests us.
539
00:39:54,024 --> 00:39:56,356
Now is the past.
540
00:39:58,028 --> 00:40:02,055
As I understand it, there's no problem.
541
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,578
And?
542
00:40:23,187 --> 00:40:25,212
And...
543
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:46,240
- I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs.
- Oh, Danny, please.
544
00:40:46,310 --> 00:40:50,337
- So this is all part of the same computer error?
- Yes.
545
00:40:50,414 --> 00:40:52,507
I'm going home.
546
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:58,016
Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program,
I'll tell you that.
547
00:40:58,088 --> 00:41:00,283
What does my legal counsel suggest, then?
548
00:41:00,357 --> 00:41:03,155
I'm gonna make a phone call.
549
00:41:03,227 --> 00:41:06,719
There was some research done
saying more and more people
550
00:41:06,797 --> 00:41:13,532
are getting their political news from Leno,
Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher
551
00:41:13,604 --> 00:41:16,471
more than from newspapers
and actual news programs.
552
00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:19,668
There you go. My thoughts exactly.
553
00:41:20,244 --> 00:41:22,508
You're kidding me? Aw, come on!
554
00:41:22,580 --> 00:41:27,347
It should be on the news any minute.
It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!
555
00:41:28,219 --> 00:41:32,417
What? And Indiana? You're sure?
556
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:35,653
Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!
557
00:41:35,726 --> 00:41:38,490
And Indiana goes to Dobbs.
558
00:41:40,898 --> 00:41:44,857
It's just been confirmed
that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.
559
00:41:44,935 --> 00:41:49,304
If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won
every state where he's been on the ballot.
560
00:41:49,373 --> 00:41:52,137
Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.
561
00:41:52,209 --> 00:41:54,871
So New York wants a comedian as President.
562
00:41:54,945 --> 00:41:57,914
Comedian Tom Dobbs...
Another big win for Dobbs.
563
00:41:57,982 --> 00:42:02,783
With 99% of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.
564
00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:05,651
The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.
565
00:42:05,723 --> 00:42:12,356
According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs
has got 146 electoral votes right now. He's got 'em.
566
00:42:12,429 --> 00:42:16,832
There are five more states to be counted
where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted.
567
00:42:16,901 --> 00:42:20,200
And it's possible, if he takes all five states,
568
00:42:20,271 --> 00:42:24,298
that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.
569
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:31,076
I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a
possibility - not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.
570
00:42:35,252 --> 00:42:37,743
This is the happiest night of my life...
571
00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:41,122
and I can't stay awake.
572
00:42:42,893 --> 00:42:46,989
Our exit polls have only in some cases
proven accurate.
573
00:42:47,064 --> 00:42:50,591
Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices...
574
00:42:50,668 --> 00:42:52,192
...close to the vest.
575
00:42:52,269 --> 00:42:58,538
Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers,
but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.
576
00:42:58,609 --> 00:43:05,173
In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills
in every state where they've been going one-on-one.
577
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:47,086
...they are still confident of an election victory.
578
00:43:47,157 --> 00:43:50,320
Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum
since the debate.
579
00:43:50,394 --> 00:43:53,261
Now, right after the debate,
there was a mixed reaction,
580
00:43:53,330 --> 00:44:00,463
but what we've seen since then is that the public
apparently sees him as a candidate for change.
581
00:44:00,537 --> 00:44:03,665
He has been formidable,
as we've seen in these numbers...
582
00:44:04,875 --> 00:44:11,178
We are now going to go live back to Election Central,
where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?
583
00:44:11,248 --> 00:44:13,478
Hold on to your hats, folks.
584
00:44:13,550 --> 00:44:15,415
Tom Dobbs...
585
00:44:19,990 --> 00:44:25,792
Comedian Tom Dobbs
is the next President of the United States.
586
00:44:36,974 --> 00:44:38,965
At 01:23 East Coast time,
587
00:44:39,043 --> 00:44:43,036
comedian Tom Dobbs
has been elected President of the United States.
588
00:44:43,113 --> 00:44:47,641
The free world will now be led by a comedian.
589
00:45:12,076 --> 00:45:16,069
Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service.
I'll be taking over.
590
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:20,676
You don't find this a little bit absurd?
591
00:45:26,090 --> 00:45:27,717
Thanks for your honesty.
592
00:45:28,292 --> 00:45:30,760
Always been a big fan of your work, sir.
593
00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:42,937
Jack, you're the manager
of the President of the United States.
594
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:47,703
Comedy Store to the White House.
595
00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:51,942
We must look into computer fraud.
596
00:45:52,015 --> 00:45:56,076
I mean, we've had problems in other states -
Florida, Ohio, elsewhere -
597
00:45:56,153 --> 00:46:01,090
where it's not only questions of malfunction
but also questions of legitimacy.
598
00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:03,353
Are these computers hackable?
599
00:46:03,427 --> 00:46:09,593
There isn't a paper trail. It's not the way
the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.
600
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:14,729
Let's face it, the reality is a comedian
was elected President of the United States.
601
00:46:14,805 --> 00:46:16,796
Case closed, end of discussion.
602
00:46:23,313 --> 00:46:25,804
Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?
603
00:46:25,883 --> 00:46:28,681
I looked at the IKEA catalog
and didn't see anything I liked,
604
00:46:28,752 --> 00:46:32,415
but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer.
That'd be lovely.
605
00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:34,650
What was your vice president's response?
606
00:46:34,725 --> 00:46:39,059
Shocked as the rest of us. "Guess I'll have
to clear my calendar for the next four years."
607
00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:41,825
- Can we get back to questions of the cabinet?
- Certainly.
608
00:46:41,899 --> 00:46:44,834
It will be diverse
and include Republicans and Democrats
609
00:46:44,902 --> 00:46:47,564
and people of no party affiliation.
I want diversity.
610
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:53,736
I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of
the school that if you're not for us you're against us.
611
00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:57,645
That being said, if I had my druthers,
I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.
612
00:46:57,714 --> 00:47:01,115
It'd be fun to think about what they're doing
behind closed doors.
613
00:47:01,185 --> 00:47:04,621
Thank you, everyone.
We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.
614
00:47:04,688 --> 00:47:07,054
It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.
615
00:47:22,739 --> 00:47:26,038
- Hello?
- Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
616
00:47:26,109 --> 00:47:30,239
Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention
instead of daydreaming.
617
00:47:30,314 --> 00:47:33,715
- Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please.
- Sure.
618
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:39,750
- Hey, Angus. Cappuccino.
- Can't you see he's busy getting mine right now?
619
00:47:39,823 --> 00:47:43,452
- I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.
- It's not a big deal.
620
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:46,360
Well, apparently it is, 'cause this is taking forever.
621
00:47:46,430 --> 00:47:49,194
- It's forever.
- Hold your horses.
622
00:47:49,266 --> 00:47:55,762
- Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?
- God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino?
623
00:47:56,673 --> 00:47:58,573
OK.
624
00:47:58,642 --> 00:48:02,339
Didn't realize you were such a bitch.
625
00:48:04,982 --> 00:48:08,247
Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.
626
00:48:08,318 --> 00:48:09,376
Thanks.
627
00:48:10,254 --> 00:48:12,381
- Cappuccino?
- Yes. Thanks.
628
00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,955
Oh! Ow. Ow.
629
00:48:49,026 --> 00:48:52,291
Oh... shit.
630
00:48:52,362 --> 00:48:54,057
Shit. Shit.
631
00:48:54,131 --> 00:48:56,065
- Let me give you a hand.
- I got it.
632
00:48:56,133 --> 00:48:59,102
- Just let me take care of it for you.
- I got it. I got it!
633
00:49:00,203 --> 00:49:03,138
- It's no...
- I got it!
634
00:49:03,206 --> 00:49:04,935
I got it.
635
00:49:05,008 --> 00:49:06,771
OK.
636
00:49:06,843 --> 00:49:09,141
I got it. I got it. I got it.
637
00:49:09,212 --> 00:49:13,410
- Who stole my purse?
- Ellie. Ellie, it's right here.
638
00:49:13,483 --> 00:49:15,644
Did you empty out my purse?
639
00:49:19,156 --> 00:49:22,319
- Did you touch my things?
- No!
640
00:49:22,392 --> 00:49:24,326
You touched my things.
641
00:49:27,831 --> 00:49:30,925
- I can't believe you touched my things.
- Ellie, I didn't...
642
00:49:31,001 --> 00:49:34,835
You touched my things.
What is wrong with you?
643
00:49:35,605 --> 00:49:38,335
He went through my things!
644
00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,636
Dammit.
645
00:49:46,917 --> 00:49:50,683
I made a mess. I've made a mess.
646
00:49:50,754 --> 00:49:53,348
I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess.
647
00:49:53,423 --> 00:49:57,018
- But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up.
- OK.
648
00:49:57,094 --> 00:49:59,460
I'm gonna clean up my mess.
649
00:50:03,066 --> 00:50:05,933
It's my mess. It's my mess.
650
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,233
Ellie?
Do you want me to get some help?
651
00:50:08,305 --> 00:50:11,832
- My mess.
- Can someone call 911?
652
00:50:23,620 --> 00:50:26,088
We have a deadline.
In terms of appointments,
653
00:50:26,156 --> 00:50:31,184
there are roughly 7-8,000 slots to be filled,
1500 of which will require Senate confirmation.
654
00:50:31,261 --> 00:50:33,991
7-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people?
655
00:50:34,064 --> 00:50:35,588
Well, in LA, maybe.
656
00:50:35,665 --> 00:50:38,225
Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.
657
00:50:38,301 --> 00:50:44,001
We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions,
or at least float some of your possible choices.
658
00:50:44,074 --> 00:50:49,671
Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking
Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.
659
00:50:49,746 --> 00:50:53,307
- Joke.
- Little one. Little joke.
660
00:50:53,383 --> 00:50:56,147
Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.
661
00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:58,210
Phew, hope this works.
662
00:50:58,288 --> 00:51:01,621
Oh, it'll work. I think.
663
00:51:13,804 --> 00:51:17,797
Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.
664
00:51:21,478 --> 00:51:24,447
Thank you. Nice tie.
665
00:51:24,514 --> 00:51:28,348
President-elect Tom Dobbs
paid an impromptu visit to Congress
666
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:31,353
and, literally, brought down the House with laughter.
667
00:51:31,421 --> 00:51:36,188
As word spread quickly,
more and more members of Congress left their offices
668
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:39,228
to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.
669
00:51:39,296 --> 00:51:45,599
That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be
brief, 'cause I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.
670
00:51:46,236 --> 00:51:48,864
It should be duly noted, Chairman,
671
00:51:48,939 --> 00:51:53,603
that this not a scheduled visit,
it is not on the docket for today, it's not really official,
672
00:51:53,677 --> 00:51:56,874
so no rules have been violated,
it's just our little secret
673
00:51:56,947 --> 00:52:00,883
between you, me and the world media.
674
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:03,146
I also have some disturbing news.
675
00:52:03,220 --> 00:52:10,126
I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and
women thought this was still the present fashion.
676
00:52:10,193 --> 00:52:13,458
Other third thought I looked
like former first lady Barbara Bush...
677
00:52:13,530 --> 00:52:16,397
I'm looking at the toxology report.
It's overwhelming.
678
00:52:16,466 --> 00:52:22,166
She's got Benzedrine, morphine,
codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.
679
00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:27,506
Historians have written that our founding fathers
were brilliant and courageous men,
680
00:52:27,577 --> 00:52:33,243
but they sometimes made difficult decisions,
sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.
681
00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:38,276
What will they think about us 200-and-some years
from now? What will they write about this Congress?
682
00:52:38,355 --> 00:52:44,021
Will they say that you're brave and brilliant?
Courageous?
683
00:52:44,094 --> 00:52:46,688
Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?
684
00:52:47,697 --> 00:52:49,722
We have a lot to live up to.
685
00:52:49,799 --> 00:52:52,825
I think we can do it. I know we can do it.
686
00:52:55,705 --> 00:52:58,640
You can't just say it didn't happen.
687
00:52:59,843 --> 00:53:03,574
When have you ever known me
to ever take any kind of drugs?
688
00:53:03,647 --> 00:53:06,377
I'm even afraid of NyQuil.
689
00:53:08,485 --> 00:53:12,182
I got a promotion.
They're sending me to Ireland.
690
00:53:12,255 --> 00:53:14,815
- Oh, Danny.
- What?
691
00:53:14,891 --> 00:53:17,325
They're just trying to pay you off.
692
00:53:17,394 --> 00:53:22,058
They just don't want you talking
about the computer problems.
693
00:53:24,367 --> 00:53:27,165
Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.
694
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:30,901
- Do you think anybody'll believe you?
- Sure. Why not?
695
00:53:30,974 --> 00:53:34,933
Maybe because you flipped out
and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?
696
00:53:35,011 --> 00:53:36,569
- I don't do drugs.
- Cocaine...
697
00:53:36,646 --> 00:53:40,013
I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.
698
00:53:40,083 --> 00:53:43,450
Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?
699
00:53:45,288 --> 00:53:50,487
...inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues -
that's what's before us.
700
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:52,289
He will.
701
00:54:05,775 --> 00:54:07,675
Turn left.
702
00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:09,837
OK.
703
00:54:15,151 --> 00:54:20,589
- Talk to me, baby, talk to me.
- Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.
704
00:54:20,657 --> 00:54:22,591
OK.
705
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:25,618
FBI. FBI.
706
00:54:26,663 --> 00:54:27,960
FBI.
707
00:54:28,832 --> 00:54:30,891
FBI.
708
00:54:32,135 --> 00:54:33,762
FBI.
709
00:54:33,837 --> 00:54:38,171
I am now the manager
of the president-elect of the United States.
710
00:54:38,241 --> 00:54:44,544
15% of the President's salary is nothing compared
to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.
711
00:54:44,614 --> 00:54:47,139
This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make
712
00:54:47,217 --> 00:54:53,156
since I am now the first show business manager
ever to handle a president.
713
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,871
Oh, I wish I could walk.
714
00:55:17,614 --> 00:55:19,605
Oh, man.
715
00:55:23,253 --> 00:55:25,619
Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
716
00:55:26,890 --> 00:55:28,881
Eleanor Green, FBI.
717
00:55:28,958 --> 00:55:31,722
Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.
718
00:55:31,795 --> 00:55:34,559
- Everything all right?
- Oh, just fine.
719
00:55:35,265 --> 00:55:37,199
Just fine.
720
00:55:37,267 --> 00:55:41,499
I'm just here
just making sure everything's secured.
721
00:55:46,376 --> 00:55:49,539
I probably shouldn't have introduced myself.
I'm sorry.
722
00:55:49,612 --> 00:55:52,137
No, you have to.
723
00:55:52,215 --> 00:55:57,118
- Anyway, happy birthday again.
- Again? Did another year just pass?
724
00:55:57,187 --> 00:56:01,123
- I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.
- Except how to be funny.
725
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:04,490
- I can see that.
- A put-down from the FBI.
726
00:56:04,561 --> 00:56:06,722
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
727
00:56:06,796 --> 00:56:09,924
Please. It's all right.
He's only annoying when he's happy.
728
00:56:09,999 --> 00:56:12,490
It's an old Irish tradition.
729
00:56:12,569 --> 00:56:14,366
- You wanna dance?
- I don't dance.
730
00:56:14,437 --> 00:56:19,966
They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?
J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.
731
00:56:20,043 --> 00:56:22,705
Fat, but light on his feet.
732
00:56:26,950 --> 00:56:29,441
Could we just talk and not move?
733
00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:32,919
Sure.
734
00:56:50,473 --> 00:56:55,467
So, what do you do
when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?
735
00:56:57,180 --> 00:56:59,740
- It's that apparent?
- Yeah.
736
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:03,344
You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?
737
00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:05,786
Please. I've played in clubs for years.
738
00:57:05,855 --> 00:57:10,883
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers,
and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex-wife.
739
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:14,418
I have an eye for that
and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.
740
00:57:14,497 --> 00:57:17,295
Good. That's good.
741
00:57:17,367 --> 00:57:23,499
Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you
and I said you were OK.
742
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:40,264
- Too fast?
- No, I'm fine.
743
00:57:40,336 --> 00:57:41,826
No, I'm...
744
00:57:41,904 --> 00:57:44,134
So, what do you really do?
745
00:57:44,207 --> 00:57:46,107
Um...
746
00:57:46,175 --> 00:57:51,169
Well, I-I did work
for Delacroy Voting Systems.
747
00:57:51,247 --> 00:57:54,272
But they had... cutbacks.
748
00:57:54,349 --> 00:57:56,681
I... Laid off.
749
00:57:56,751 --> 00:58:00,187
Laid off? I thought they were making
the big bucks. That's weird.
750
00:58:00,255 --> 00:58:03,247
Well, it was a small cutback, actually.
751
00:58:03,325 --> 00:58:06,658
It was a very small cutback, actually.
Just me.
752
00:58:06,728 --> 00:58:10,255
Oh, so would "fired"
be more appropriate than "cutback"?
753
00:58:10,332 --> 00:58:14,132
- Well, if you wanna be picky...
- Oh, picky.
754
00:58:14,202 --> 00:58:16,397
...with words, then yes,
755
00:58:16,471 --> 00:58:19,337
then I guess fired...
756
00:58:19,406 --> 00:58:22,864
fired would be it.
757
00:58:22,943 --> 00:58:25,104
May I ask why?
758
00:58:27,882 --> 00:58:30,578
- Oh, none of my business.
- It is.
759
00:58:34,288 --> 00:58:37,883
Look, you're having such a good time.
I don't wanna spoil it.
760
00:58:37,958 --> 00:58:39,858
You have to do the birthday toast now.
761
00:58:39,927 --> 00:58:42,953
OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.
762
00:58:43,030 --> 00:58:46,931
Listen.
We're staffing up right now and...
763
00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:48,797
- Staffing up?
- Yeah.
764
00:58:48,868 --> 00:58:51,598
Tom. 60 seconds. OK.
765
00:58:51,671 --> 00:58:54,663
- Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.
- OK.
766
00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:58,939
- That's not why I'm here.
- That's all right. This is my personal cell.
767
00:58:59,012 --> 00:59:02,948
And, you know, if you need anything,
you call. OK?
768
00:59:14,359 --> 00:59:17,556
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
769
00:59:17,629 --> 00:59:19,597
To Jack Menken, a man who once said:
770
00:59:19,665 --> 00:59:25,194
"If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with
Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today."
771
00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:27,465
I... I'm sorry.
772
00:59:28,607 --> 00:59:32,475
He's so sensitive, someone once asked,
"What do you think of gay marriage?"
773
00:59:32,544 --> 00:59:37,277
and he said, "I think gays have a right
to be just as miserable as the rest of us."
774
00:59:37,349 --> 00:59:40,181
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.
775
00:59:40,251 --> 00:59:42,344
- A great manager.
- A great manager.
776
00:59:42,420 --> 00:59:44,285
- Made you a star.
- Mm-hm.
777
00:59:44,355 --> 00:59:48,416
Made you the President,
and by doing so has put me out of work.
778
00:59:48,492 --> 00:59:51,086
God bless him.
God bless Jack Menken!
779
01:00:34,336 --> 01:00:37,328
- Danny, hi.
- Hey. Where the hell are you?
780
01:00:37,406 --> 01:00:39,772
Are you alone?
This is your cellphone?
781
01:00:39,842 --> 01:00:43,710
- Yeah, why? What's going on?
- Paranoid, I guess.
782
01:00:43,779 --> 01:00:46,373
I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.
783
01:00:47,950 --> 01:00:50,510
You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...
784
01:00:50,586 --> 01:00:53,453
No, but he should know, don't you think?
785
01:00:53,522 --> 01:00:57,458
Let it go. Nothing good can possibly come
from revealing what happened.
786
01:00:57,526 --> 01:01:00,824
Is anyone trying to figure out
what happened with the system?
787
01:01:00,895 --> 01:01:04,524
I don't know. You know,
it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.
788
01:01:04,599 --> 01:01:09,468
They'd be going through the private channels
for that sort of thing. You know how that goes.
789
01:01:09,537 --> 01:01:11,027
Ellie?
790
01:01:11,105 --> 01:01:13,266
Good night, Danny.
791
01:01:17,678 --> 01:01:21,876
- James Hemmings' office.
- Yes, is Mr. Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs.
792
01:01:21,949 --> 01:01:25,009
- Just a minute.
- Mm-hm?
793
01:01:25,086 --> 01:01:29,715
It's a Tom Dobbs. Is that the Tom Dobbs,
President-Elect Dobbs?
794
01:01:29,790 --> 01:01:33,886
- Well, did you ask?
- No. I was too embarrassed to.
795
01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:36,588
All right.
796
01:01:37,531 --> 01:01:41,490
- James Hemmings.
- James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect.
797
01:01:41,568 --> 01:01:44,093
Uh... yes, sir. Yes, of course.
798
01:01:44,171 --> 01:01:50,076
I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?
799
01:01:50,143 --> 01:01:53,373
Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?
800
01:01:53,446 --> 01:01:57,849
I need some information.
Strictly confidential, just between you and me.
801
01:01:57,917 --> 01:02:01,910
Yeah, well... I mean,
well, you know, where do I begin?
802
01:02:01,987 --> 01:02:04,285
I know that she was fired by Delacroy.
803
01:02:04,356 --> 01:02:08,417
Mm. Uh, look, I'm a little confused. Is she...
804
01:02:08,494 --> 01:02:11,327
- is she applying for a job with you?
- No.
805
01:02:11,397 --> 01:02:13,422
Did you meet with her personally?
806
01:02:13,499 --> 01:02:17,526
Yes. That's how I knew that she was
a Delacroy employee and that she was fired.
807
01:02:17,603 --> 01:02:21,902
- Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?
- Add what?
808
01:02:21,973 --> 01:02:25,841
Did she mention that she had
a bad drug problem? She had a breakdown here.
809
01:02:25,910 --> 01:02:29,539
- She had to be hospitalized.
- No, she didn't mention that.
810
01:02:29,614 --> 01:02:33,277
I'm surprised she's there.
She should be in drug rehab.
811
01:02:33,351 --> 01:02:35,945
That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.
812
01:02:36,020 --> 01:02:38,989
Do you know how I might reach her?
813
01:02:39,057 --> 01:02:43,050
- I guess we both have a problem in that area.
- Yeah. Yeah.
814
01:02:43,128 --> 01:02:45,562
Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.
815
01:02:45,630 --> 01:02:49,258
Delacroy Systems has completed a deal
with the European Common Market
816
01:02:49,333 --> 01:02:52,302
which will invest in their computer voting system.
817
01:02:52,369 --> 01:02:57,500
With this announcement,
Delacroy stock has jumped 37% on the Big Board.
818
01:02:57,941 --> 01:03:00,375
Come on!
819
01:03:01,678 --> 01:03:02,975
S.
820
01:03:03,046 --> 01:03:07,210
- Yeah, there are two of them.
- All right.
821
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:09,275
- 900.
- N.
822
01:03:09,353 --> 01:03:14,346
Yeah, two N's.
That'll get you on the board with $1800.
823
01:03:19,695 --> 01:03:21,993
- 800.
- L?
824
01:03:22,064 --> 01:03:25,465
Yeah, there are two of them.
Got almost $3,000 in that kitty.
825
01:03:25,535 --> 01:03:28,402
I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'd like to buy an I.
826
01:03:28,471 --> 01:03:30,962
Well, there are two I's.
827
01:03:34,710 --> 01:03:37,804
- It'd be a good time to find a letter or two.
- M.
828
01:03:37,880 --> 01:03:40,245
Or three. Yes.
829
01:03:45,287 --> 01:03:49,087
Double G's before double L's.
830
01:03:50,759 --> 01:03:54,320
Double B's before double G's.
831
01:03:59,701 --> 01:04:01,692
Yes! Yes!
832
01:04:05,473 --> 01:04:08,532
Double G's before double L's.
833
01:04:08,609 --> 01:04:11,669
Double B's before double G's.
834
01:04:14,848 --> 01:04:16,839
It's alphabetical.
835
01:04:19,954 --> 01:04:22,718
It's alphabetical.
836
01:04:23,390 --> 01:04:27,156
OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down
her access when we let her go?
837
01:04:27,228 --> 01:04:28,388
- Evidently not.
- That's smart.
838
01:04:30,097 --> 01:04:34,931
Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in
the mainframe, poking around the code depository.
839
01:04:35,001 --> 01:04:39,165
- Do we know where she is?
- Not yet, but we will.
840
01:04:39,239 --> 01:04:41,799
- What's the matter?
- You know. I'm unhappy.
841
01:04:41,874 --> 01:04:44,069
You're unhappy about what?
842
01:04:44,143 --> 01:04:48,011
- What do you think I'm unhappy about?
- You agreed to play the turkey.
843
01:04:48,081 --> 01:04:51,244
- I never agreed.
- It's not a big deal. All you do is cluck.
844
01:04:51,317 --> 01:04:57,222
First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK? And if
it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?
845
01:04:57,290 --> 01:04:59,917
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah, come on.
846
01:04:59,992 --> 01:05:02,085
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah.
847
01:05:02,160 --> 01:05:04,321
Tom here.
848
01:05:04,396 --> 01:05:06,921
- Hi.
- Eleanor, is that you?
849
01:05:06,999 --> 01:05:09,797
- Yes.
- How do you turn the music down?
850
01:05:09,868 --> 01:05:13,668
We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.
Can I pick you up?
851
01:05:13,739 --> 01:05:18,005
An outing?
No, I-I had something I had to tell you.
852
01:05:18,076 --> 01:05:20,636
Good, good. Give me an address.
853
01:05:36,193 --> 01:05:39,162
Eleanor! We're going paintballing.
854
01:05:39,230 --> 01:05:44,532
I brought you some camouflage and thermals
'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men.
855
01:05:44,602 --> 01:05:47,366
- What?
- Cold.
856
01:06:06,323 --> 01:06:08,848
I can't believe it.
857
01:06:09,592 --> 01:06:11,992
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
858
01:06:12,762 --> 01:06:15,196
- Are you all right?
- No!
859
01:06:29,111 --> 01:06:31,944
- I'm out.
- Well, thank God.
860
01:06:33,315 --> 01:06:35,442
I'm out of ammo!
861
01:06:39,722 --> 01:06:42,122
The president-elect's just been shot.
862
01:06:42,191 --> 01:06:44,386
He's dead. Let's go round them up.
863
01:06:44,460 --> 01:06:48,725
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh?
Killing your friends?
864
01:06:48,796 --> 01:06:52,823
That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.
865
01:06:52,900 --> 01:06:55,630
- Did that hurt?
- Yeah. Yeah.
866
01:06:55,703 --> 01:06:57,694
I'm sorry.
867
01:06:58,840 --> 01:07:00,364
Hey.
868
01:07:00,441 --> 01:07:03,274
Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?
869
01:07:03,344 --> 01:07:08,577
Sure. We have to walk away
from those who have listening devices.
870
01:07:10,318 --> 01:07:12,548
Um... do they have listening devices?
871
01:07:12,620 --> 01:07:16,487
No, they can't hear.
Well, they hear each other, but not us.
872
01:07:16,556 --> 01:07:17,853
OK.
873
01:07:17,924 --> 01:07:20,358
Um...
874
01:07:20,427 --> 01:07:22,895
Because I haven't been...
875
01:07:22,963 --> 01:07:24,954
uh...
876
01:07:28,001 --> 01:07:31,198
I haven't been forthright with you
about certain things.
877
01:07:31,271 --> 01:07:34,206
Maybe "forthright"... God.
878
01:07:34,274 --> 01:07:38,677
Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.
879
01:07:39,546 --> 01:07:45,245
Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really
isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you...
880
01:07:45,317 --> 01:07:48,946
I mean, OK, I don't know you.
I mean, I know you...
881
01:07:49,021 --> 01:07:53,253
No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs,
I know you, but I don't really know you...
882
01:07:53,325 --> 01:07:56,089
You got a lot of setup here.
You don't need that much.
883
01:07:56,162 --> 01:08:00,394
It's too much of a lead-in.
Just the punch line.
884
01:08:00,466 --> 01:08:05,199
- You're going to be President of the United States.
- Yeah.
885
01:08:09,107 --> 01:08:11,905
- Maybe that's not so bad.
- I hope.
886
01:08:14,145 --> 01:08:18,411
Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy
and I worked so hard, and I cared.
887
01:08:18,483 --> 01:08:21,213
I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.
888
01:08:21,286 --> 01:08:23,914
I can make this a lot easier for you.
889
01:08:23,988 --> 01:08:25,853
What do you mean? How?
890
01:08:25,924 --> 01:08:28,825
- Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.
- What?
891
01:08:28,893 --> 01:08:34,023
Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you.
I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.
892
01:08:34,097 --> 01:08:36,429
I wanted to see you.
893
01:08:38,101 --> 01:08:40,262
- You did?
- Mm-hm.
894
01:08:41,972 --> 01:08:44,372
- You wanted to see me.
- Yeah.
895
01:08:45,876 --> 01:08:47,867
Wow.
896
01:08:50,214 --> 01:08:53,240
- God. That's good.
- Well, good. Well, good, not so good.
897
01:08:53,317 --> 01:08:58,414
- No, it's good.
- Well, he told me about your drug problem and...
898
01:08:58,489 --> 01:09:00,956
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I don't have a drug problem.
899
01:09:01,023 --> 01:09:03,651
- It's all right.
- Tom, I do not have a drug problem.
900
01:09:03,726 --> 01:09:05,990
- It doesn't bother me.
- I hate to interrupt,
901
01:09:06,062 --> 01:09:09,498
but the Secret Service
wants you outta here by dark.
902
01:09:09,565 --> 01:09:15,162
By the way, drug dealers
have this place booked until dawn.
903
01:09:15,238 --> 01:09:20,835
I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.
We'll talk about it later, honestly. It's OK.
904
01:09:20,910 --> 01:09:24,038
- There's no drug problem.
- That's all I need to know.
905
01:09:24,113 --> 01:09:27,207
- There's a lot to discuss here.
- Yeah. I think...
906
01:09:29,618 --> 01:09:32,519
That just doesn't look clear to me.
Another 30 minutes?
907
01:09:32,587 --> 01:09:34,521
- Yeah, maybe.
- The wing is...
908
01:09:34,589 --> 01:09:39,185
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
We may have a problem here.
909
01:09:39,261 --> 01:09:44,392
- I like it crispy. I like a nice crunchy skin.
- I know, Menken. I know you do.
910
01:09:44,466 --> 01:09:46,730
- Just wanna make myself heard.
- Uh-huh.
911
01:09:46,801 --> 01:09:51,329
- I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.
- Yes, you have.
912
01:09:51,406 --> 01:09:56,172
Look at this old C-SPAN.
Congress is in session and no one's there.
913
01:09:56,243 --> 01:09:59,735
Harkin's speaking about an amendment
to a budget bill. It's empty.
914
01:09:59,813 --> 01:10:02,077
How do you get people in their seats?
It's crazy.
915
01:10:02,149 --> 01:10:03,980
- They have things to do.
- Like?
916
01:10:04,051 --> 01:10:09,387
Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.
They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on.
917
01:10:09,456 --> 01:10:16,294
They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people
what they're not doing while they're not there.
918
01:10:17,398 --> 01:10:19,229
This makes golf look like porn.
919
01:10:26,539 --> 01:10:29,235
Shouldn't you be giving that up?
920
01:10:30,777 --> 01:10:33,746
Did you know there were once ads
921
01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:37,442
that said four out of five doctors
recommend this brand or that brand?
922
01:10:37,517 --> 01:10:39,610
Come on. You're kidding me.
923
01:10:39,686 --> 01:10:43,747
- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
- Said they were good for you.
924
01:10:43,823 --> 01:10:46,951
There was one slogan before my time:
925
01:10:47,026 --> 01:10:49,425
"Not a cough in the carload."
926
01:10:51,129 --> 01:10:54,292
It's a little too late now.
927
01:10:54,366 --> 01:10:56,891
I'm sorry.
928
01:11:08,747 --> 01:11:10,840
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
929
01:11:13,285 --> 01:11:15,275
Unfortunately, I do.
930
01:11:15,353 --> 01:11:17,514
I see that.
931
01:12:00,830 --> 01:12:03,298
- I have to talk to you in private.
- Now?
932
01:12:03,366 --> 01:12:05,527
- Yes.
- OK.
933
01:12:22,384 --> 01:12:24,375
Thanks.
934
01:12:29,792 --> 01:12:32,124
You've got a great group.
935
01:12:32,194 --> 01:12:34,593
Ellie, whatever your problem is...
936
01:12:34,662 --> 01:12:37,426
What? You can fix my problem?
937
01:12:37,498 --> 01:12:42,800
Is this the president-elect speaking
or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?
938
01:12:42,870 --> 01:12:45,304
- Just Tom Dobbs.
- Good.
939
01:12:45,373 --> 01:12:51,710
Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President
of the United States. There. I've said it. Kill me.
940
01:12:59,353 --> 01:13:02,048
It's true.
941
01:13:02,122 --> 01:13:06,024
There was a problem
with the computer voting system.
942
01:13:06,093 --> 01:13:10,792
I tried to warn them. It's that error that's made you
the next President of the United States.
943
01:13:10,864 --> 01:13:13,560
- I didn't win?
- Not even close.
944
01:13:13,633 --> 01:13:16,033
- What do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
945
01:13:16,103 --> 01:13:19,368
I had to say it. I've been living with this.
I just had to tell you.
946
01:13:19,439 --> 01:13:21,873
- Do you want to go public with this?
- I can't.
947
01:13:21,942 --> 01:13:24,775
I could, but nobody would believe me.
Not anymore.
948
01:13:24,845 --> 01:13:28,439
But somebody has to know.
Somebody. At least you.
949
01:13:28,514 --> 01:13:30,778
I mean, I don't know.
Look, I don't know.
950
01:13:30,850 --> 01:13:37,187
Maybe it is best that you're the next President
of the United States even if they didn't vote for you.
951
01:13:38,858 --> 01:13:41,622
Out of curiosity...
952
01:13:41,694 --> 01:13:44,254
- did you vote for me?
- No.
953
01:13:44,330 --> 01:13:47,060
I don't vote.
To be honest with you, I don't vote.
954
01:13:47,133 --> 01:13:50,967
Politicians will say anything in the world
to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.
955
01:13:51,036 --> 01:13:54,164
Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.
956
01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:58,835
I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned.
I don't even vote.
957
01:13:58,910 --> 01:14:02,846
I'm gonna talk this over with Menken.
Come on, I want you with me. Come with me.
958
01:14:02,914 --> 01:14:04,541
- No, I can't.
- Why not?
959
01:14:04,616 --> 01:14:06,777
- Tom, I can't!
- Why?
960
01:14:07,786 --> 01:14:11,483
I had to tell you.
You do with it what you want.
961
01:14:17,095 --> 01:14:19,256
Happy Thanksgiving.
962
01:14:23,834 --> 01:14:25,995
Happy Thanksgiving.
963
01:14:42,252 --> 01:14:44,584
Is something wrong?
964
01:14:47,191 --> 01:14:49,522
You guys have a fight?
965
01:14:50,860 --> 01:14:55,126
She knows a lot about computers.
More than you ever wanna know, really.
966
01:14:55,198 --> 01:14:57,530
Should I be impressed?
967
01:14:59,402 --> 01:15:01,666
It's improbable, me winning the election.
968
01:15:01,737 --> 01:15:06,231
Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only
difference between reality and fiction
969
01:15:06,309 --> 01:15:09,472
"is that fiction needs to be credible."
970
01:15:09,545 --> 01:15:12,378
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.
971
01:15:12,882 --> 01:15:14,850
She just told me
I didn't win the election.
972
01:15:14,917 --> 01:15:16,315
Whoops.
973
01:15:16,384 --> 01:15:19,353
Computer malfunction.
974
01:15:19,421 --> 01:15:22,413
- She knows this? For sure?
- Yeah.
975
01:15:23,758 --> 01:15:27,524
She tried to warn the Delacroy Company
and they hid it. Bad for business.
976
01:15:27,596 --> 01:15:31,623
- You don't believe her, do you?
- I do. It's true.
977
01:15:32,367 --> 01:15:35,632
I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings
were full of shit, but this?
978
01:15:35,704 --> 01:15:38,036
It's hard to believe
that many people watched JAG.
979
01:15:38,106 --> 01:15:41,667
I never met anybody who'd say,
"Hey, did you see JAG last night?"
980
01:15:41,743 --> 01:15:44,734
Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
981
01:15:44,812 --> 01:15:48,680
- She knows what she's talking about.
- That's debatable.
982
01:15:48,749 --> 01:15:52,583
So... what's she gonna do?
983
01:15:52,653 --> 01:15:55,053
Nothing. She left it up to me.
984
01:15:55,122 --> 01:16:02,255
Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy's not gonna say
anything, and she's not gonna say anything, so...
985
01:16:02,329 --> 01:16:03,353
there's no problem.
986
01:16:03,430 --> 01:16:05,955
- No problem?
- We move on.
987
01:16:06,033 --> 01:16:09,524
- Oh, like nothing happened?
- Something like that.
988
01:16:09,602 --> 01:16:15,563
If you tell a joke and it stinks
but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.
989
01:16:15,642 --> 01:16:17,940
I'm President, but not really.
990
01:16:18,011 --> 01:16:23,506
This is where we are.
You wanna throw it away or go for it?
991
01:16:23,583 --> 01:16:26,313
I never told you which gigs to take,
I only advised,
992
01:16:26,386 --> 01:16:32,120
but to me this decision is a slam dunk.
993
01:16:33,192 --> 01:16:35,285
Yeah.
994
01:16:49,541 --> 01:16:50,439
Tom?
995
01:16:50,509 --> 01:16:54,878
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock
I'm gonna have a press conference
996
01:16:54,947 --> 01:16:59,384
and tell the American people that
I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.
997
01:17:00,752 --> 01:17:02,776
I'm so sorry.
998
01:17:02,853 --> 01:17:05,481
I-I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
999
01:17:21,872 --> 01:17:24,238
Danny, I told him.
1000
01:17:24,308 --> 01:17:26,776
Why did you tell him?
1001
01:17:26,844 --> 01:17:29,903
I had to. And now I hate myself.
1002
01:17:29,980 --> 01:17:31,277
Does he believe you?
1003
01:17:31,348 --> 01:17:35,842
He's calling a press conference at 11
tomorrow. He's gonna make the whole thing known.
1004
01:17:35,919 --> 01:17:38,285
Oh, shit. Look what you did.
1005
01:17:38,355 --> 01:17:40,585
I wish I hadn't told him.
1006
01:17:40,657 --> 01:17:44,889
I mean, I know I did the right thing.
I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.
1007
01:17:44,961 --> 01:17:47,327
And yet... And yet...
1008
01:17:47,397 --> 01:17:53,029
m-m-maybe I've done the wrong thing,
and how can that possibly be?
1009
01:17:53,103 --> 01:17:55,832
I mean, did I do the right thing
or did I do the wrong thing?
1010
01:17:55,904 --> 01:17:58,498
I know it's the right thing to do,
so why do I feel like this?
1011
01:18:04,747 --> 01:18:08,740
We've got to preempt his press conference.
1012
01:18:11,887 --> 01:18:14,879
And very early tomorrow morning.
1013
01:18:48,122 --> 01:18:52,080
- Press conference set up?
- Uh, yeah. What the hell's going on?
1014
01:18:54,428 --> 01:18:56,328
OK.
1015
01:18:57,397 --> 01:18:59,524
Jack? Jack?
1016
01:18:59,599 --> 01:19:02,762
Got a reporter says Delacroy's
going to make a major announcement.
1017
01:19:02,836 --> 01:19:05,771
Some big story,
something to do with Eleanor Green.
1018
01:19:05,839 --> 01:19:07,773
This is what we got going on today.
1019
01:19:07,841 --> 01:19:11,208
They're called the Witches of November.
A storm from the Great Lakes.
1020
01:19:11,278 --> 01:19:14,941
That's going to spread one to three inches of snow
right across the D.C. area.
1021
01:19:15,015 --> 01:19:18,142
I don't think there's any more than that,
not a lot of moisture here.
1022
01:19:18,217 --> 01:19:21,414
It's a pretty closed-up system,
and it's gonna move up quickly...
1023
01:19:23,189 --> 01:19:27,683
We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you this breaking news.
1024
01:19:27,760 --> 01:19:31,423
We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed.
1025
01:19:31,497 --> 01:19:37,595
Recently Delacroy had to dismiss
an employee, Eleanor Green,
1026
01:19:37,670 --> 01:19:42,630
who was suffering severe psychological problems.
We made an effort to get her medical help,
1027
01:19:42,708 --> 01:19:48,543
and subsequently discovered that she was heavily
involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.
1028
01:19:48,613 --> 01:19:53,073
We would have kept this private, but additional facts
concerning Miss Green have come to light.
1029
01:19:53,151 --> 01:19:58,054
We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated
the prototype of our computer voting system.
1030
01:20:00,725 --> 01:20:02,955
- Tom here.
- Turn on the television.
1031
01:20:03,027 --> 01:20:05,188
- What channel?
- Any channel.
1032
01:20:08,967 --> 01:20:11,935
Her motives aren't quite clear to us,
1033
01:20:12,002 --> 01:20:15,995
apart from the fact that
she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,
1034
01:20:16,073 --> 01:20:20,669
to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt
the computer system to get him elected.
1035
01:20:23,347 --> 01:20:27,443
We also know that the president-elect
has been seen in her presence recently,
1036
01:20:27,518 --> 01:20:33,354
but let me make this clear - we are not suggesting
any impropriety on behalf of the president-elect.
1037
01:20:33,423 --> 01:20:37,051
- Pull over.
- We are a family at Delacroy.
1038
01:20:37,126 --> 01:20:39,594
We have an extensive healthcare program.
1039
01:20:39,662 --> 01:20:45,032
Lots of people have psychological problems, mental
problems, health problems of one kind or another.
1040
01:20:45,101 --> 01:20:48,332
It's not something you sweep under the rug,
you gotta talk about it.
1041
01:20:48,404 --> 01:20:54,604
We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort
to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.
1042
01:20:54,677 --> 01:21:00,775
The good news is, all the computer voting systems
installed in polling stations remained secure.
1043
01:21:00,850 --> 01:21:07,186
Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election
and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.
1044
01:21:07,255 --> 01:21:12,887
And that's all the information that we have at this time.
I'll take any questions now, if you got 'em. Yes?
1045
01:21:12,961 --> 01:21:17,489
Take a look at this. Take a look at this.
Perfect, just perfect.
1046
01:21:17,566 --> 01:21:22,401
She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out
in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.
1047
01:21:22,470 --> 01:21:27,669
Clearly a mental case. Hospital said
she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.
1048
01:21:27,742 --> 01:21:29,936
I believe her.
1049
01:21:30,844 --> 01:21:32,175
She didn't seem that crazy.
1050
01:21:32,246 --> 01:21:38,947
You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate
hot dogs and you'd believe her. Take a look at this.
1051
01:21:39,019 --> 01:21:42,182
If what she says is true,
I'm really not the president-elect.
1052
01:21:42,256 --> 01:21:44,952
"If" is becoming a very large word.
1053
01:21:45,025 --> 01:21:48,825
Did you forget the first time we met her,
she said she was working for the FBI?
1054
01:21:48,896 --> 01:21:52,730
She said she knew about the computer fraud,
but takes three weeks to tell you.
1055
01:21:52,800 --> 01:21:55,633
"By the way, you're not the President.
Happy Thanksgiving."
1056
01:21:55,703 --> 01:22:00,071
If she's not psychotic she's a stalker,
and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative.
1057
01:22:00,139 --> 01:22:03,040
- Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.
- What's that?
1058
01:22:03,109 --> 01:22:07,705
A succubus is some sort of a demon
that sucks the life out of healthy men.
1059
01:22:07,780 --> 01:22:09,509
I was once a healthy man.
1060
01:22:09,582 --> 01:22:13,211
What are you talking about? Please, please stop.
1061
01:22:13,286 --> 01:22:15,083
Don't get off track.
1062
01:22:41,446 --> 01:22:45,542
Can I get change for this, please?
My dollar won't work in your machine.
1063
01:22:45,617 --> 01:22:48,643
You're that Miss Green from the television.
1064
01:22:48,720 --> 01:22:52,052
I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.
1065
01:22:52,957 --> 01:22:55,391
- Did your uncle get ahold of you?
- What?
1066
01:22:55,459 --> 01:22:59,793
Your uncle. He was trying to call your room.
He said he couldn't get through.
1067
01:22:59,864 --> 01:23:02,298
By the way, that machine doesn't work.
1068
01:23:36,766 --> 01:23:38,529
Yes, sir.
1069
01:23:38,601 --> 01:23:41,399
Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.
1070
01:23:43,640 --> 01:23:46,267
I think she may have figured out the glitch.
1071
01:23:57,686 --> 01:24:01,019
Bring it back, bring her back.
I want constant updates.
1072
01:24:01,090 --> 01:24:04,457
Yes, sir. When I find her,
I know what to do.
1073
01:24:05,894 --> 01:24:10,728
Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes
with that to the press, we're royally screwed.
1074
01:24:10,798 --> 01:24:12,459
Mm-hm.
1075
01:24:12,633 --> 01:24:13,793
Mm-hm.
1076
01:24:13,868 --> 01:24:19,966
Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech
followed by a White House meet-and-greet.
1077
01:24:20,041 --> 01:24:21,372
What do I do?
1078
01:24:21,442 --> 01:24:24,309
Go be presidential.
1079
01:24:39,059 --> 01:24:44,429
...speech today will give
some insight into the Eleanor Green situation.
1080
01:24:45,399 --> 01:24:47,993
Jack, I've been trying to call her
but I can't reach her.
1081
01:24:48,068 --> 01:24:51,060
You have a busy schedule.
Keep your head in that. Period.
1082
01:24:51,138 --> 01:24:52,605
That's terrific.
1083
01:24:52,672 --> 01:24:54,902
Saturday Night Live wants you.
What do you think?
1084
01:24:54,975 --> 01:24:57,239
- Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?
- Yeah.
1085
01:24:57,310 --> 01:24:58,743
- Do it.
- Why?
1086
01:24:58,812 --> 01:25:03,875
Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were
blinded by love, you didn't know she was popping pills.
1087
01:25:03,950 --> 01:25:08,283
It isn't like you were in some side street
gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.
1088
01:25:08,354 --> 01:25:12,154
You're so sensitive.
OK. I'll do it.
1089
01:25:12,224 --> 01:25:15,955
Yep, he'll do it.
I'll call you later for details.
1090
01:25:16,028 --> 01:25:19,088
It's hard to believe it's a year
since we've gathered together,
1091
01:25:19,165 --> 01:25:22,965
but we are very pleased
to have a most honored guest with us...
1092
01:25:23,035 --> 01:25:28,598
I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic,
if I must say so. I even threw in an old Hitler joke.
1093
01:25:28,674 --> 01:25:31,403
- How's that supposed to work?
- You'll see.
1094
01:25:31,476 --> 01:25:34,104
...Tom Dobbs!
1095
01:25:34,179 --> 01:25:36,170
Knock 'em dead.
1096
01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:47,824
Thank you very much.
1097
01:25:47,892 --> 01:25:50,759
I guess we should
get this over with at the beginning,
1098
01:25:50,829 --> 01:25:56,324
because you've all heard there's
a little bit of a rumor going around right now.
1099
01:25:56,401 --> 01:26:00,336
So I'll share the big scoop with you,
'cause, uh, Oprah was booked.
1100
01:26:02,072 --> 01:26:07,442
I'm not even President of the United States yet,
and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.
1101
01:26:09,980 --> 01:26:13,211
I did not have sex with that woman.
1102
01:26:13,283 --> 01:26:15,274
I wanted to.
1103
01:26:15,352 --> 01:26:17,877
I'm single.
1104
01:26:17,955 --> 01:26:25,258
And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is
probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area.
1105
01:26:25,328 --> 01:26:30,630
In high school,
most of my dates were with myself.
1106
01:26:30,700 --> 01:26:33,294
I would take myself out for dinner,
bring myself home,
1107
01:26:33,369 --> 01:26:36,202
put on music that I liked,
1108
01:26:36,272 --> 01:26:42,643
have my way with myself and then go,
"Should I drive myself home now?"
1109
01:26:44,113 --> 01:26:47,173
Pretty much the bottom line.
If I was in Italy I might get lucky.
1110
01:26:47,250 --> 01:26:50,947
They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.
1111
01:26:51,020 --> 01:26:56,719
Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there,
just great posters and incredible downloads.
1112
01:26:58,627 --> 01:27:01,528
I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,
1113
01:27:01,596 --> 01:27:04,394
we can have a sense of humor
about ourselves. We have to.
1114
01:27:04,466 --> 01:27:07,765
You're allowed to make fun of those in power.
1115
01:27:07,836 --> 01:27:12,068
But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy.
Two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler.
1116
01:27:12,140 --> 01:27:17,305
They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to
kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives.
1117
01:27:17,379 --> 01:27:19,539
12:30, no Hitler.
1118
01:27:19,613 --> 01:27:21,740
12:45, no Hitler.
1119
01:27:21,815 --> 01:27:24,409
One o'clock, no Hitler.
1120
01:27:24,485 --> 01:27:28,512
Finally one turns to the other and goes,
"My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
1121
01:27:30,991 --> 01:27:36,019
It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is
wonderful. But the last few years we've been divided.
1122
01:27:36,096 --> 01:27:38,656
Red states, blue states.
1123
01:27:38,732 --> 01:27:44,034
There are no red and blue states, there's only the
United States of America. That's what we're about.
1124
01:27:44,104 --> 01:27:50,064
That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars
on a campaign and not be owing people something.
1125
01:27:50,143 --> 01:27:53,169
Next thing you know
they have to deal with the special interests,
1126
01:27:53,246 --> 01:27:57,376
they're doing special favors for special people
and not dealing with what you need:
1127
01:27:57,450 --> 01:28:00,385
Education, healthcare, environmental issues.
1128
01:28:00,453 --> 01:28:07,222
They have to deal with oil companies, chemical
companies, drug companies, and they owe them.
1129
01:28:07,293 --> 01:28:10,490
And in the process, people get neglected.
1130
01:28:10,563 --> 01:28:15,499
The poor have no advocate,
because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.
1131
01:28:15,567 --> 01:28:18,468
The Statue of Liberty says,
"Give me your tired, your poor,"
1132
01:28:18,537 --> 01:28:21,131
not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed."
1133
01:28:24,810 --> 01:28:27,836
I worked out your bit with SNL.
They really liked it.
1134
01:28:27,913 --> 01:28:30,279
- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?
- No.
1135
01:28:30,349 --> 01:28:33,807
- She hasn't called me either.
- Well, you never know with females.
1136
01:28:33,885 --> 01:28:37,548
I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers
to put a flock of sheep to sleep.
1137
01:28:37,623 --> 01:28:38,816
Why?
1138
01:28:38,889 --> 01:28:42,950
- She said it made the sex with me more bearable.
- Eleanor didn't do drugs.
1139
01:28:43,027 --> 01:28:47,623
Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids,
they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.
1140
01:28:47,698 --> 01:28:50,997
- Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.
- With little tiny balls.
1141
01:28:51,068 --> 01:28:53,696
This is a meet-and-greet, nothing more.
1142
01:28:53,771 --> 01:28:57,104
Oh, the house is so close to the street.
1143
01:28:58,309 --> 01:29:01,676
Whoa, boy, that's a desk.
1144
01:29:01,746 --> 01:29:03,805
I mean... wow.
1145
01:29:03,881 --> 01:29:09,648
I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean,
the one on the show is just a prop. This...
1146
01:29:09,719 --> 01:29:13,621
- Where do you do your writing?
- Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar.
1147
01:29:16,026 --> 01:29:18,358
Well, there's a lot of history
to this desk.
1148
01:29:18,428 --> 01:29:22,455
The first time I sat behind it,
I had a sort of nervous chill.
1149
01:29:22,532 --> 01:29:26,400
Some of the greats and not-so-greats
have sat here.
1150
01:29:26,469 --> 01:29:28,232
Please.
1151
01:29:28,304 --> 01:29:30,272
Thank you.
1152
01:29:37,746 --> 01:29:39,873
Excuse me, Mr. President.
1153
01:29:39,948 --> 01:29:41,939
- Hello?
- Tom? Tom?
1154
01:29:42,017 --> 01:29:43,917
Eleanor? Hold on.
1155
01:29:43,986 --> 01:29:47,752
Mr. President, I'll just be a minute.
Thank you.
1156
01:29:47,823 --> 01:29:51,259
Tom, t-t-two guys broke into my hotel room.
I don't know what to do.
1157
01:29:51,326 --> 01:29:52,725
Who? Who are they?
1158
01:29:52,795 --> 01:29:56,162
They're connected with Delacroy.
I think they know I broke the code.
1159
01:29:56,231 --> 01:29:59,529
- Code? What code?
- I figured out what caused the computer glitch.
1160
01:29:59,600 --> 01:30:02,228
- Where are you now?
- I'm in a shopping mall.
1161
01:30:02,303 --> 01:30:04,794
- Shopping?
- No, I'm not shopping.
1162
01:30:04,872 --> 01:30:08,535
- Why are you there?
- I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.
1163
01:30:08,609 --> 01:30:11,737
Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.
1164
01:30:12,313 --> 01:30:15,305
- Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President.
- What?
1165
01:30:15,383 --> 01:30:17,943
I'm with the President of the US
in the Oval Office.
1166
01:30:18,019 --> 01:30:22,422
You're with the President?
You're in the Oval Office?
1167
01:30:22,957 --> 01:30:26,585
Look, Tom, I don't know what to do...
Hello?
1168
01:30:27,928 --> 01:30:29,657
Tom? Hello?
1169
01:30:29,730 --> 01:30:31,391
Hello?
1170
01:30:34,000 --> 01:30:35,968
Sorry, sir.
1171
01:30:42,342 --> 01:30:44,105
Wow.
1172
01:30:44,177 --> 01:30:46,941
It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.
1173
01:30:47,013 --> 01:30:50,449
By the way, Mr. Dobbs,
I never thought you had a chance.
1174
01:30:50,517 --> 01:30:53,110
I underestimated you.
1175
01:30:53,185 --> 01:30:58,555
Well, just between you and me, Mr. President,
you didn't underestimate me at all.
1176
01:31:05,898 --> 01:31:07,593
Really? Why?
1177
01:31:08,134 --> 01:31:11,365
Oh, but that's so weird.
I never said anything to him.
1178
01:31:11,437 --> 01:31:14,998
No, he said stuff to me.
Like, what am I gonna say back?
1179
01:31:15,074 --> 01:31:17,634
But seri... Hold on a sec.
1180
01:31:17,710 --> 01:31:19,404
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
1181
01:31:19,477 --> 01:31:23,208
I need a charger for this phone
that I can plug into my cigarette lighter.
1182
01:31:23,281 --> 01:31:26,978
We don't stock the charger for that anymore.
How long have you had that phone?
1183
01:31:27,051 --> 01:31:30,543
Well, it's not like it's a relic.
It's a year old.
1184
01:31:30,622 --> 01:31:32,954
Well, there is a problem -
it's a year old.
1185
01:31:39,998 --> 01:31:42,990
Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.
1186
01:31:43,067 --> 01:31:45,933
- Why does he want to see me?
- He just wants to talk to you.
1187
01:31:46,003 --> 01:31:48,631
Reasonable people
can come to reasonable solutions.
1188
01:31:48,705 --> 01:31:51,469
You figured out the computer glitch.
You should be paid.
1189
01:31:51,542 --> 01:31:54,841
The Delacroy jet is at the private terminal.
I got her.
1190
01:32:05,622 --> 01:32:07,214
Get in.
1191
01:32:07,791 --> 01:32:09,383
Get in.
1192
01:32:22,972 --> 01:32:23,961
Shit!
1193
01:32:30,546 --> 01:32:31,877
Yeah.
1194
01:32:32,582 --> 01:32:35,380
I'm tracking her on her GPS.
1195
01:32:35,885 --> 01:32:37,580
Uh-huh.
1196
01:32:37,653 --> 01:32:42,214
Yes, first opportunity I get
I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.
1197
01:32:42,290 --> 01:32:43,985
Uh-huh.
1198
01:32:46,561 --> 01:32:51,464
The FBI will confirm that you had no contact
with Eleanor Green prior to the election.
1199
01:32:51,533 --> 01:32:55,560
You're off the hook in terms of being involved
in any attempt to fix the election.
1200
01:32:55,637 --> 01:33:00,074
Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier.
A storm front is moving in.
1201
01:33:13,754 --> 01:33:15,984
Oh, for God's sake.
1202
01:33:38,611 --> 01:33:43,571
Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight,
then I'm gonna be heading on.
1203
01:33:43,650 --> 01:33:45,208
Why so soon?
1204
01:33:45,285 --> 01:33:49,244
Well, Menken thinks it's for the best.
No sense postponing the inevitable.
1205
01:33:49,322 --> 01:33:51,756
Will you be disappointed to go back to television?
1206
01:33:51,824 --> 01:33:55,225
Oh, no. I have a glorious
love-hate relationship with TV.
1207
01:33:55,295 --> 01:33:58,890
- How so?
- TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
1208
01:33:58,965 --> 01:34:00,431
Why is that so bad?
1209
01:34:00,499 --> 01:34:03,332
If everything seems credible,
nothing seems credible.
1210
01:34:04,036 --> 01:34:07,563
TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.
1211
01:34:07,639 --> 01:34:12,406
On one side there's this certifiable lunatic
who says the Holocaust never happened.
1212
01:34:12,477 --> 01:34:18,211
Next to him is this noted, honored historian
who knows all about the Holocaust.
1213
01:34:18,283 --> 01:34:22,777
And now there they sit, side by side.
They look like equals.
1214
01:34:22,854 --> 01:34:28,485
Everything they say seems credible. And so,
as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.
1215
01:34:28,559 --> 01:34:30,322
We just stop listening.
1216
01:34:30,394 --> 01:34:33,955
In the Times, 60% of the voters
would've voted for Dobbs if they could.
1217
01:34:34,031 --> 01:34:38,593
Well, yeah. He sounds different.
That's why they can hear him.
1218
01:35:05,762 --> 01:35:06,751
Hello?
1219
01:35:06,830 --> 01:35:10,994
- My cellphone died and some guy is after me.
- I thought two guys were after you.
1220
01:35:11,067 --> 01:35:13,695
- No, this is someone else.
- Who?
1221
01:35:13,770 --> 01:35:16,739
I assume he's from Delacroy.
He has a pickup truck.
1222
01:35:17,307 --> 01:35:19,604
Eleanor, I... I think you need help.
1223
01:35:19,675 --> 01:35:21,939
He tried to abduct me from the mall!
1224
01:35:22,011 --> 01:35:24,445
In the mall. OK.
1225
01:35:24,513 --> 01:35:27,710
I think it has to do with the fact
that I figured everything out.
1226
01:35:30,185 --> 01:35:33,018
She's in a phone booth off Route 173.
1227
01:35:33,088 --> 01:35:36,455
You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double L's,
1228
01:35:36,525 --> 01:35:40,655
but Kellogg trumps him with double G's
and you trump him with double B's.
1229
01:35:40,729 --> 01:35:44,495
I don't know what that means, Eleanor.
Listen, where are you?
1230
01:35:44,566 --> 01:35:48,592
I don't know. I don't know where I am.
It's dark, there's a factory,
1231
01:35:48,669 --> 01:35:50,694
I see a Christmas tree...
1232
01:35:50,772 --> 01:35:52,535
I don't know where I am.
1233
01:35:52,607 --> 01:35:56,907
- What do you want me to do now, sir?
- I'm willing to offer her big money. Big money.
1234
01:35:56,978 --> 01:36:01,074
She's running away now?
Why is she running away?
1235
01:36:01,149 --> 01:36:04,710
She's impossible. I don't know who she's talking to,
what she's saying.
1236
01:36:04,786 --> 01:36:09,951
All right, go to the airport.
You go to BWI private terminal.
1237
01:36:10,024 --> 01:36:15,552
There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane, I'll take
you to New York and we'll solve your problem. OK?
1238
01:36:15,629 --> 01:36:19,656
Private terminal at the airport?
I don't know how to get to the airport.
1239
01:36:19,733 --> 01:36:24,033
All right, I'll try.
I'll look in my GPS or something.
1240
01:36:28,008 --> 01:36:30,738
Hello? Eleanor?
1241
01:36:35,015 --> 01:36:38,451
More on that breaking news.
There has been a very serious traffic accident.
1242
01:36:38,518 --> 01:36:43,420
It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington
Parkway just where it meets Route 495,
1243
01:36:43,489 --> 01:36:45,252
and that is the Capital Beltway.
1244
01:36:45,324 --> 01:36:53,163
There has been one serious injury. Police have
identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.
1245
01:36:53,232 --> 01:36:54,460
Oh, my God.
1246
01:36:54,533 --> 01:36:57,969
- If that sounds familiar, it's the same Eleanor Green...
- Menken!
1247
01:36:58,037 --> 01:37:00,232
You have to see this!
1248
01:37:02,675 --> 01:37:05,940
Sir, we just got a report of an accident.
It's Eleanor Green.
1249
01:37:23,495 --> 01:37:25,190
Not now, please.
1250
01:37:25,263 --> 01:37:26,594
Excuse me.
1251
01:37:28,366 --> 01:37:30,834
Are you with the ambulance?
Eleanor Green?
1252
01:37:30,902 --> 01:37:33,995
- She's in a stable condition, sir.
- Thank you.
1253
01:37:38,308 --> 01:37:42,711
Oh, shit. Why does he have
to get himself into this mess?
1254
01:37:55,058 --> 01:38:01,257
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh. Apparently
he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.
1255
01:38:06,969 --> 01:38:10,700
- Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.
- There's time.
1256
01:38:21,784 --> 01:38:25,948
Double B... double L... double G.
1257
01:38:26,022 --> 01:38:30,185
Double B, double L, double G.
1258
01:38:30,258 --> 01:38:31,816
Double B...
1259
01:38:32,961 --> 01:38:35,759
double L... double G.
1260
01:38:39,968 --> 01:38:43,597
Double L, double G...
1261
01:38:51,446 --> 01:38:56,007
They're trying to discredit her.
She's not psychotic, OK?
1262
01:38:56,083 --> 01:38:58,745
I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.
1263
01:38:58,819 --> 01:39:02,983
Last night you were willing to give it all up.
Now you want to do it again.
1264
01:39:03,057 --> 01:39:05,218
Police said a truck lost control.
1265
01:39:05,292 --> 01:39:08,420
- She was trying to tell me something.
- It was snowing.
1266
01:39:08,495 --> 01:39:13,762
She said she knew what the computer glitch was.
Now it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.
1267
01:39:13,834 --> 01:39:18,635
Where's the proof?
Give me something to justify what she's saying.
1268
01:39:18,706 --> 01:39:21,037
We don't have time to keep playing this game.
1269
01:39:21,107 --> 01:39:24,338
She was trying to explain it to me.
But it didn't make sense.
1270
01:39:24,410 --> 01:39:27,675
She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L."
It's like a code.
1271
01:39:27,747 --> 01:39:30,511
Whatever the hell happened,
we'll never know for sure.
1272
01:39:30,583 --> 01:39:33,279
Only one thing remains true -
you're the President.
1273
01:39:36,723 --> 01:39:40,022
You're either getting on that plane or not.
1274
01:39:40,093 --> 01:39:45,190
Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours.
1275
01:39:45,265 --> 01:39:50,133
Nothing can change that.
No one can. Except you.
1276
01:39:59,077 --> 01:40:01,409
You coming?
1277
01:40:33,144 --> 01:40:35,635
From Studio 8H in the Rockefeller Center,
1278
01:40:36,314 --> 01:40:40,341
it's Weekend Update
with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
1279
01:40:40,418 --> 01:40:44,877
- Hi. I'm Amy Poehler.
- I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.
1280
01:40:44,954 --> 01:40:48,856
A Malaysian man,
famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair,
1281
01:40:48,925 --> 01:40:51,120
died this week of heart complications.
1282
01:40:51,194 --> 01:40:56,689
Tragically, he would still be alive
but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.
1283
01:41:00,603 --> 01:41:04,903
Hey, I just went through the cue cards,
and you're gonna kill.
1284
01:41:04,974 --> 01:41:08,170
It's gonna work like a charm.
Don't worry about a thing.
1285
01:41:08,243 --> 01:41:12,907
Do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes
and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?
1286
01:41:12,981 --> 01:41:16,610
- All right.
- You can go on and be President.
1287
01:41:19,955 --> 01:41:25,291
Forensic scientists say they have recreated
George Washington as he looked at age 19,
1288
01:41:25,361 --> 01:41:30,958
while Tom Dobbs has recreated how
Thomas Jefferson would've looked if he were crazy.
1289
01:41:40,942 --> 01:41:45,572
...and when the source is finally identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.
1290
01:41:47,648 --> 01:41:52,449
A report suggests that more species of birds
mate for life than previously believed,
1291
01:41:52,520 --> 01:41:55,512
while other species only mate for votes.
1292
01:41:57,358 --> 01:42:03,318
This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team
briefed him on day-to-day activities in the Oval Office.
1293
01:42:03,397 --> 01:42:07,834
However, Dobbs became upset when he learned
that Monday would no longer be re-runs.
1294
01:42:07,901 --> 01:42:10,426
- I heard that!
- Uh-oh, who said that?
1295
01:42:10,504 --> 01:42:13,234
Do we have a special guest?
1296
01:42:21,615 --> 01:42:25,107
Hello. Welcome.
You know my wife.
1297
01:42:26,019 --> 01:42:28,350
President-elect Tom Dobbs.
1298
01:42:32,558 --> 01:42:34,890
Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.
1299
01:42:34,960 --> 01:42:38,487
I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope.
"Thought I'd drop by."
1300
01:42:38,564 --> 01:42:41,226
Thank you for coming.
Make yourself comfortable.
1301
01:42:41,300 --> 01:42:42,665
Lovely. Thank you.
1302
01:42:42,735 --> 01:42:47,695
So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit
the other day - that was quite flattering.
1303
01:42:47,773 --> 01:42:49,604
Those wigs, it's kind of nice.
1304
01:42:49,675 --> 01:42:54,737
I love the buckled shoe, though -
it's part pimp, part pilgrim.
1305
01:42:54,813 --> 01:42:58,476
You can either get off the "Mayflower"
or have four girls in a Cadillac.
1306
01:42:58,550 --> 01:43:01,610
- They love him.
- Yeah, it's working like a charm.
1307
01:43:01,686 --> 01:43:05,315
I'm thinking - and this is just out loud -
1308
01:43:05,390 --> 01:43:09,486
that I should go with the Manolo Blanco,
just to give you that little...
1309
01:43:09,561 --> 01:43:11,995
- To lift your ass.
- Lift the ass!
1310
01:43:12,864 --> 01:43:16,322
Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.
1311
01:43:17,168 --> 01:43:22,070
Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion
that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.
1312
01:43:22,139 --> 01:43:23,606
- Not at all, no.
- Good.
1313
01:43:23,674 --> 01:43:27,872
I guess that absolves you
of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election.
1314
01:43:27,945 --> 01:43:30,573
So what do you make
of this woman's obsession with you?
1315
01:43:30,647 --> 01:43:35,846
Well, Tina, I have just one question:
is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?
1316
01:43:35,919 --> 01:43:39,320
- Well...
- By your pause, I understand.
1317
01:43:39,923 --> 01:43:44,690
Because I think a woman can be obsessed
with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! -
1318
01:43:44,761 --> 01:43:50,494
and I could be obsessed with Angelina -
I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.
1319
01:43:52,068 --> 01:43:55,367
And also you could say
obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars -
1320
01:43:55,438 --> 01:43:58,965
women rushing the stage, fainting,
for Elvis, for the Beatles,
1321
01:43:59,041 --> 01:44:02,169
for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!"
1322
01:44:02,245 --> 01:44:05,180
But women don't rush the stage for comedians.
1323
01:44:05,248 --> 01:44:12,154
If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause
they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
1324
01:44:14,056 --> 01:44:20,824
I threw my underpants at Britney Spears
once... 'cause I thought she needed a pair.
1325
01:44:21,863 --> 01:44:23,797
God bless.
1326
01:44:24,599 --> 01:44:28,467
I thought you were gonna say
you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.
1327
01:44:28,537 --> 01:44:32,268
- That's a good re-write!
- Good night, good luck!
1328
01:44:32,340 --> 01:44:35,434
That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.
1329
01:44:35,510 --> 01:44:38,104
But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing.
1330
01:44:38,179 --> 01:44:42,672
How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election
because she's obsessed with me?
1331
01:44:42,750 --> 01:44:44,547
I mean, where's the hanging chad?
1332
01:44:44,618 --> 01:44:48,884
Where's the governor being your brother?
The Supreme Court ruling against the voter?
1333
01:44:48,956 --> 01:44:52,585
Come on, where's the conspiracy in that?
None, really.
1334
01:44:52,660 --> 01:44:58,030
And here's the real question:
it's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?
1335
01:45:03,337 --> 01:45:05,897
What is the real answer?
1336
01:45:05,973 --> 01:45:10,500
- Thank you for picking that one up.
- Where's he going with this?
1337
01:45:10,577 --> 01:45:14,570
The bottom line is
Eleanor Green came to me and told me
1338
01:45:14,647 --> 01:45:19,175
that there was a computer glitch
in the Delacroy computer voting system.
1339
01:45:19,252 --> 01:45:22,517
She warned the chief executive of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,
1340
01:45:22,589 --> 01:45:26,047
but they decided to cover it up
for economic reasons.
1341
01:45:26,125 --> 01:45:29,754
It's not good for the stock offering, really.
1342
01:45:29,829 --> 01:45:34,459
The truth is, I'm not the elected President
of the United States.
1343
01:45:35,867 --> 01:45:41,464
Bottom line is it was a computer error.
Not fraud, but a faulty program.
1344
01:45:41,540 --> 01:45:43,599
HAL decided it liked me.
1345
01:45:46,712 --> 01:45:49,943
Today I was in the Oval Office
on a preparatory meeting
1346
01:45:50,015 --> 01:45:54,782
and I sat behind the President's desk
and I had a reality check. It kind of overwhelmed me.
1347
01:45:54,853 --> 01:45:57,651
I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute. I'm a jester.
1348
01:45:57,723 --> 01:46:01,886
"A jester doesn't rule the kingdom,
he makes fun of the king."
1349
01:46:01,959 --> 01:46:07,329
And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,
"I could be the President of the United States."
1350
01:46:07,398 --> 01:46:13,303
I thought I was President of the United States
till Eleanor talked to me.
1351
01:46:15,206 --> 01:46:20,838
It's... I know. We're not on book anymore
and the cue-card guy is going...
1352
01:46:20,911 --> 01:46:24,108
We just usually do fake news and jokes.
1353
01:46:24,181 --> 01:46:28,117
We don't usually have real news and...
1354
01:46:28,185 --> 01:46:30,652
nonjokes.
1355
01:46:30,720 --> 01:46:33,780
So watch out, Oprah.
1356
01:46:33,857 --> 01:46:39,796
'Cause we're gonna go real, girl. But here's the deal.
A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you.
1357
01:46:41,097 --> 01:46:43,759
Yeah, thank you.
1358
01:46:45,135 --> 01:46:48,696
And I know you voted for me
because you were fed up with the status quo.
1359
01:46:48,772 --> 01:46:51,866
But you were voting for change,
for the sake of change.
1360
01:46:51,941 --> 01:46:56,001
Listen, you could vote for someone better.
You can do a lot better than me.
1361
01:46:56,078 --> 01:46:59,673
You can do better than most politicians
you've elected recently,
1362
01:46:59,748 --> 01:47:06,085
and definitely don't put your faith in a machine
that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.
1363
01:47:06,155 --> 01:47:12,355
- So you don't want to be a part of the reelection?
- Oh, no. Please. No, that's not a stage I belong on.
1364
01:47:12,428 --> 01:47:16,831
This is where I belong, with folks like you,
finding the funk in dysfunctional.
1365
01:47:16,899 --> 01:47:21,063
Mark Twain said irreverence is
the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.
1366
01:47:21,136 --> 01:47:25,504
That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up,
and that's what we've gotta do.
1367
01:47:25,573 --> 01:47:29,737
How many of you think
the educational system is working?
1368
01:47:29,811 --> 01:47:32,974
- Whoo-hoo!
- One girl. Thank you.
1369
01:47:33,047 --> 01:47:36,414
"I learnt to read."
1370
01:47:36,484 --> 01:47:42,582
Do you realize that 40% of American high-school
graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?
1371
01:47:42,657 --> 01:47:47,321
So Tom Dobbs walked away from being
the President of the United States.
1372
01:47:47,395 --> 01:47:52,923
OK, so he wasn't really elected,
but if he hadn't told anyone...
1373
01:47:54,568 --> 01:47:58,732
Shortly thereafter,
Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show.
1374
01:47:58,805 --> 01:48:01,103
I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise.
1375
01:48:01,174 --> 01:48:03,108
He was bigger than ever.
1376
01:48:14,287 --> 01:48:18,620
Everyone's gonna be writing
about how honest you are, how straightforward.
1377
01:48:18,691 --> 01:48:22,559
I just hope your honesty
doesn't undercut your irreverence.
1378
01:48:22,628 --> 01:48:26,792
I wanna do a show about gay farmers
and call it "Cropsuckers." Is that offensive?
1379
01:48:26,866 --> 01:48:29,596
Not for me.
1380
01:48:33,172 --> 01:48:35,333
Nothing but the best.
1381
01:48:47,685 --> 01:48:49,619
Yeah?
1382
01:48:54,659 --> 01:48:57,025
- Hey.
- Hi.
1383
01:48:58,329 --> 01:49:01,127
Like some company?
1384
01:49:01,199 --> 01:49:03,497
I left the night-light on.
1385
01:49:04,502 --> 01:49:06,993
Eleanor became his producer,
1386
01:49:07,071 --> 01:49:09,265
and close companion.
1387
01:49:09,339 --> 01:49:11,500
Lover. Later his wife.
1388
01:49:12,309 --> 01:49:16,075
The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and later convicted
1389
01:49:16,146 --> 01:49:20,845
because Eleanor's theories
on the computer glitch proved to be correct.
1390
01:49:20,918 --> 01:49:24,911
For those of you thinking of getting implants,
there's something new to try.
1391
01:49:24,988 --> 01:49:28,014
A lot of people, they get the large ones.
Those are lovely.
1392
01:49:28,091 --> 01:49:32,619
Do something new for your boyfriend.
Put in a little squeaky toy.
1393
01:49:32,696 --> 01:49:35,256
It's about the same.
We're pretty easily amused.
1394
01:49:37,600 --> 01:49:42,628
You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats.
1395
01:49:42,705 --> 01:49:48,234
Also, remember the best birth control, ladies.
The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this.
1396
01:49:50,112 --> 01:49:54,640
As for President Kellogg,
he won against Mills in the reelection,
1397
01:49:54,717 --> 01:49:57,743
and in his second term
was better than any of us expected.
1398
01:49:57,820 --> 01:49:59,879
Not great, but better.
1399
01:49:59,956 --> 01:50:03,618
Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it.
Who knows?
1400
01:50:03,692 --> 01:50:08,288
But I like to think
that one thing does lead to another.
1401
01:50:08,363 --> 01:50:11,958
I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen.
It's an old phrase,
1402
01:50:12,033 --> 01:50:16,060
basically anonymous,
but politicians are a lot like diapers.
1403
01:50:16,137 --> 01:50:21,837
They should be changed frequently and for the same
reason. Keep that in mind when you vote. Good night.