1
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:45,003
When you're a kid, all you
want is the perfect Christmas gift.

2
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:50,425
When you're a parent, all you
want is for Christmas to be perfect.

3
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,969
But sometimes, if we're lucky,

4
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:56,139
the Yuletide stars
shine full upon us

5
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,224
in a rare moment of truth.

6
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:04,481
And how we react in these
moments can forever seal our fate.

7
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:16,409
Ah, there it is.
Our humble abode

8
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,495
on the south side of the city.

9
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,288
Just like I remember,

10
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:25,794
in all of its yellow,
orange and avocado-green glory.

11
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:27,962
Oh, life moves fast.

12
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:32,217
One day you're playing "kick the can"
with kids named Flick and Schwartz.

13
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:38,056
And the next thing you know, you're
paying taxes and pulling out grey hairs.

14
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:44,145
But no matter. My sights were
set on a higher purpose.

15
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:47,607
And I was gonna
get there with Sandy

16
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,400
by my side.

17
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,112
Even though times were lean,

18
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,031
we had everything we needed.

19
00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:58,952
At least that's what we told
our kids, Mark and Julie.

20
00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:02,455
Okay, but what if there's
a fire in the fireplace?

21
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,374
Santa is fireproof.

22
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,793
What if the fireplace
is too small?

23
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,378
He sneaks in a window.

24
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,504
Good morning.

25
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,047
- Good morning, Mom.
- Morning.

26
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,465
What if the window is stuck?

27
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,175
He has WD-40.

28
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,986
- What if the window is too small?
- He sucks in his gut.

29
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,470
- Hey. Get your breakfast.
- Okay.

30
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,389
Yes, Mom.

31
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,283
While the kids counted
the days left 'til Christmas,

32
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,893
I was racing against the clock.

33
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:28,022
We had socked away just enough
for one year, so I could write

34
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,483
the next great American novel.

35
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,529
Everyone gets their chance,
and when yours comes along,

36
00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:37,365
you had better grab it.

37
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:40,368
Nothing could stop me now.

38
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,412
Dad! We're out of milk.

39
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:46,124
- What?
- My fault, my fault. I forgot to get it.

40
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:51,880
But have you ever had
the delicacy of cereal with

41
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:55,592
orange juice?

42
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,093
Ew.

43
00:02:57,176 --> 00:02:59,554
Nobody? You are in for a treat.

44
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:02,307
Nice bowl full of cocoa buds

45
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:06,185
poured with some
delicious OJ. Hm.

46
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,313
And then...

47
00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:10,023
Ugh. That's disgusting.

48
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,316
- Mm.
- Ew.

49
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,361
Mm. You can't beat that.

50
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:16,946
There you go, sweetie.

51
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,699
Well, you gonna try it?

52
00:03:19,782 --> 00:03:21,492
- Mom, you go first.
- No.

53
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,536
Dad, when can we
take out the stockings?

54
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:26,080
Let's wait for Grandpa.
He loves that stuff.

55
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,458
Yeah, you guys
can do it together.

56
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,210
The angel! She's so beautiful.

57
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,714
It's almost Christmas and we
don't have a tree for our angel.

58
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,299
I know, honey.
We're gonna get a tree

59
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,010
as soon as Grandma and Grandpa
get here. Two more days.

60
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,512
I feel like I've
been waiting forever.

61
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:44,807
Every year, my parents
made the long drive to Chicago

62
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,727
so we could all celebrate
with a big city Christmas.

63
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:51,648
But until then, I could
stay focused on my dream.

64
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:52,815
Oh...

65
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,776
- How do I look?
- Like a writer.

66
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,152
- Hey, kids.
- Good luck.

67
00:03:56,235 --> 00:03:57,570
- Good luck.
- Good luck.

68
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,846
This was the deal.
I had to be published

69
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,640
by the end of this year,

70
00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:30,603
or I'd pack up my dream
and return to the rat race.

71
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:34,524
So, I'd sent my manuscript
to 16 lucky publishers,

72
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:39,862
and 14 of them
enthusiastically said, "No."

73
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:45,201
With the year almost over,
I desperately needed a win.

74
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,455
Mr. Parker

75
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:54,002
we generally handle this sort of
meeting with a written correspondence,

76
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,713
but your insistence
to meet in person...

77
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,716
Oh. Uh, I brought you
a little something.

78
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,510
Greasing the wheels
certainly couldn't hurt.

79
00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:04,137
Marshall Field's.

80
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,430
The good stuff.

81
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:08,808
Is this

82
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,978
a bribe?

83
00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:13,187
I don't know.

84
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:15,148
You tell me.

85
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,910
Your manuscript,
Jupiter's Oblivion...

86
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,747
Uh, Neptune.
It's Neptune's Oblivion.

87
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:34,167
Though an interesting title
and thoroughly written,

88
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:37,670
we're not accepting manuscripts
over 2,000 pages.

89
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,422
Oh. Well, I could
cut it down a bit.

90
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:42,091
You could cut it in half and
there'd still be too many words.

91
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,844
Ah, Well, I know
it doesn't feel like it ends,

92
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:49,265
but that's because it all pays off in
the sequel, which I'm writing right now.

93
00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:51,267
Oh, Lord, not more.

94
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,898
This isn't a subject
we're interested in

95
00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:58,274
- at all.
- No.

96
00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:00,077
This has been
my entire life this past year.

97
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:01,986
Good day, Mr. Parker.

98
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,654
And have a Merry Christmas.

99
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,448
Merry my foot.

100
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,743
This pencil pusher had no
appreciation for my vision.

101
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,079
Oh, one day he'd see.

102
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:13,122
They'd all see.

103
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,250
We're back, just in time
for the main event!

104
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:19,087
And the winner
of the Pulitzer Prize

105
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:22,632
for literary achievement
in science fiction writing

106
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:26,177
over 2,000 pages is.

107
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:31,849
Mr. Ralph Wesley Parker
for Neptune's Oblivion!

108
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:35,228
What an upset!
We're seeing history, folks!

109
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,481
This is Ralph's
first nomination and first win.

110
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,943
- That's my husband.
- With 100% of the vote.

111
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:44,904
Even the other contestants
voted for him.

112
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:47,824
Anyone who doubted him must
be kicking themselves tonight.

113
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,910
- And there's one of them now!
- Forgive me, Mr. Parker. I was wrong.

114
00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:52,703
Dead wrong! Please.

115
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,164
- What a moron!
- Please.

116
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:59,335
Tonight, we crown
the new voice of a generation.

117
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:02,880
Eat your heart out, Hemingway.

118
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:06,008
Parker! Parker!
Parker! Parker! Parker!

119
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,635
Mr. Parker.

120
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:09,929
Oh.

121
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,556
I said good day.

122
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:15,560
Oh, right. Good day.

123
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:21,315
Well, there's still
one publisher left.

124
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,859
Yeah.

125
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,419
Hey, you know,
I heard that Mark Twain

126
00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:27,280
got rejected 34 times
before he got published.

127
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:30,867
- That's brutal.
- Yeah.

128
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,202
- I just mean you're in good company.
- Thanks.

129
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:38,249
- But he actually said that you could cut it in half?
- That's crazy, right?

130
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:39,876
I mean, it is

131
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:42,545
a little wordy.

132
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,589
It's an epic saga.

133
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:47,276
Right, honey. Are you sure you
should be writing a sequel? I mean...

134
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,970
The first thing they're gonna
ask when it sells is, "What's next?"

135
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,848
Okay. No, I mean,
you're the expert.

136
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,892
- Well, what do you suggest?
- Well, okay.

137
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,393
Honey, you write so well.

138
00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:59,353
And you have
such a strong voice.

139
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,772
So maybe you could
write something that's

140
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,609
like, more relatable.

141
00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,068
You know, Denise
at the Book Barn,

142
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,321
she says true crime
is the next big thing.

143
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,739
That's it.

144
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,158
A book about strangling Denise
from Book Barn.

145
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:13,868
Can I have another
piece of pizza?

146
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,953
Here you go. Take mine.

147
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,083
Well, what do you guys
want for Christmas?

148
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,794
An Easy-Bake Oven,
Hungry Hungry Hippos

149
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,171
and a stuffed kitty cat.

150
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,715
Got it. What about you?

151
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:30,134
A Flexible Flyer F-23
Yankee Clipper.

152
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,552
And what is that?

153
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,514
- A sled.
- Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

154
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,890
What do you want, Dad?

155
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,683
Want?

156
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,853
A time machine
to restart the year.

157
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,773
What I need is a new radiator
for the Plymouth.

158
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:45,483
Oh. I got it. I got it.

159
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:49,070
- Could be my manager with some good news.
- Okay.

160
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,823
Mr. Ralph Parker speaking.

161
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,243
- Hi, Mom.
- Nope. It's Grandma.

162
00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,789
What's wrong?

163
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:00,872
What?

164
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,044
What?

165
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,300
Wait. Wait a minute.

166
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,099
Okay.

167
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,436
Uh-huh.

168
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,316
Where are you now?

169
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,986
Nothing can prepare
us for one of life's

170
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:33,406
most painful
and inescapable events.

171
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,910
The passing of a parent.

172
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:38,995
Okay, Ma.

173
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:47,461
As the sadness of losing
my old man took grip,

174
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:52,008
two undeniable truths
washed over us that night.

175
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,093
Grandma needed us in Hohman,

176
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:58,556
and this Christmas would
be nothing like we anticipated.

177
00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:09,608
We're getting close.

178
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,027
Yeah. You can taste it.

179
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,737
Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

180
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,781
You said the birds fly
backwards so they don't choke.

181
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,743
And the sludge pool
swallowed children whole.

182
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,912
Does Santa go to Hohman?

183
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,956
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't he?

184
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,835
Because Dad said winter in Hohman
is so bleak, it crushes the human spirit.

185
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,212
Kids ignore every
important thing you say,

186
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,214
then recall
with painful accuracy

187
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,926
every incriminating word you've
uttered in the last five years.

188
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:38,054
Honey, it's the opposite.

189
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,305
Santa loves Hohman.

190
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,223
In fact, if you play
your cards right,

191
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,767
you'll get to meet him
at Higbee's.

192
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,769
But is it the real Santa Claus?

193
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:47,563
Oh, it's him. Trust me.

194
00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:49,482
I'll see for myself.

195
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,447
Egg.

196
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,742
Oh. I'm sorry. It's cold.

197
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:03,120
Ah! There is no nobler a
sacrifice for the common egg

198
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:07,041
than the ingenious
automotive repair known as...

199
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,378
"The Midwest Souffle."

200
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,714
One serving temporarily seals
any bum radiator,

201
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:18,386
ensuring safe passage
to the next pit stop.

202
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:21,138
Our car ate more eggs
than Cool Hand Luke.

203
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,224
Come on! Stupid trunk!

204
00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:25,266
Stupid...

205
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,314
Ah, there it was.

206
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,983
Our old house
on Cleveland Street.

207
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,444
It looked like it had
been frozen in time.

208
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,784
You're here!

209
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,285
Oh, my goodness!

210
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,330
- Grandma!
- Grandma!

211
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,707
Oh, my goodness!
I could eat you up.

212
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,167
I missed you, Grandma!

213
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,585
I love you guys.

214
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,713
Oh, Sandy.

215
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,549
I am so sorry.

216
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,259
Oh.

217
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,721
Hello, Mom.

218
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:03,973
Ralphie.

219
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:05,558
I am so sorry, Mom.

220
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,977
He was the best.

221
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,440
- I'm so glad that you all are here.
- Of course.

222
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,567
And I don't want you to worry
about anything.

223
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,253
I'm gonna take care
of all the arrangements,

224
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,379
- the service...
- No, no, no.

225
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,821
Listen to me, Ralphie.

226
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,824
All that can wait.

227
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:24,952
Your father was so excited
about Christmas.

228
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:28,497
I mean, if he saw
us moping around,

229
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,541
he'd just throw a fit.

230
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,251
I've given this
a lot of thought.

231
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,337
This can't be the thing that
we think of every Christmas.

232
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:38,382
We've gotta make it
a good memory, so

233
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,092
promise me

234
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,510
promise me

235
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,973
we're gonna make
this a wonderful Christmas.

236
00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:47,850
One that we'll never forget.

237
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,727
Mom.

238
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,188
In the history of tall orders,
this one took the cake!

239
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:57,234
There was no way.
Impossible! Give up now, stupid!

240
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,318
I promise.

241
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,071
Okay.

242
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,991
Oh, what had I done?
The old man was the reason

243
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:06,952
for the greatest Christmases
any of us ever knew.

244
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,079
And now it was all up to me?

245
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,207
Get a grip, man!

246
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:15,878
Millions of folks pull it off every year
because everyone knows the recipe.

247
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,216
Oh.

248
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,177
Oh, yeah!

249
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,731
I had to pull this off.

250
00:13:35,814 --> 00:13:40,694
For the memory of my old man,
and for every Christmas to come.

251
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:59,088
Fragile. It must be Italian.

252
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,008
Bumpuses!

253
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,808
Not a finger!

254
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:13,811
It suddenly struck me
that my old man's voice

255
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:17,481
would never echo
through these walls again.

256
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,858
A fuse is out!

257
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,445
It was my old home.

258
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,948
With its light, its colors

259
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,325
its smells.

260
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,662
But it was forever changed.

261
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:37,626
In the Southwest, it's said
they bring chili con carne.

262
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,045
Atlantic states, stew.

263
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,672
But here in Hohman,

264
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:45,092
it's the fabled casserole
that appears in times of need.

265
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:49,096
I swear, every neighbor
dropped off a casserole.

266
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,182
It's gonna take us a year
to finish all this.

267
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:59,023
Mm. Well, this one looks like
tuna and olive and... beans?

268
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,734
Hm. Uh,
I think that's a blueberry.

269
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,736
Uh, I think, let's see.

270
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:08,115
This one is, uh, cream, beans,
and pickled carrots and...

271
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,825
Mm...

272
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:13,078
And tastes of cinnamon. Mm.

273
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,830
So inventive.

274
00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:17,166
No matter
the tongue-curling flavors

275
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,501
or indistinguishable
ingredients,

276
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:23,672
no one dared waste food
in my mother's house.

277
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:28,719
I'm so touched that everyone
has gone to all this trouble for us.

278
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,638
Will we have turkey
on Christmas?

279
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,098
Oh, no. We have
to finish all this first.

280
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,225
Oh, hot, hot, hot.

281
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,353
- Yum.
- Oh, my.

282
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,605
- Ketchup and what?
- Mm.

283
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:40,856
What do you think that is?

284
00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:41,857
It's mayonnaise.

285
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:42,733
Yeah.

286
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,026
Cooked mayonnaise.

287
00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:49,698
It's colder here
than in Chicago.

288
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,825
It's looking pretty good.

289
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,287
I don't know. His arms
aren't even the same size.

290
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,373
He doesn't know that.

291
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:00,668
Oh, this would surely be a highlight
of Mark and Julie's Christmas.

292
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,462
A close encounter
with Delbert Bumpus.

293
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,548
The smartest member of
the hillbilly family next door.

294
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,851
Ah!

295
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,271
Hey.

296
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,690
Hey yourself.

297
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,566
We're building a snowman.

298
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,610
His name is Sparklypoof.

299
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,737
We did not agree on that.

300
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,447
Bad idea.

301
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,745
Snowmen don't
last long 'round here.

302
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,466
Whoo!

303
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,428
By God! The neighborhood
bullies reincarnate.

304
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,722
What was once
mere beatings and shakedowns

305
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:58,517
had evolved into surprise
attacks of mechanized terror.

306
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,519
Yeah!

307
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:03,689
They murdered Sparklypoof!

308
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,901
Grab it. Grab it! Yeah!
I got your scarf!

309
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:08,861
That's mine!

310
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,279
Hey, you get back here!

311
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,282
Hey, bring that back!

312
00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,910
Well, this town is
full of surprises, isn't it?

313
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,038
How fun.

314
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,474
- Uh, come on. Let's go inside.
- This was a new wrinkle in the Christmas plans.

315
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:26,628
Mark and Julie just landed at
the bottom of the local food chain.

316
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:36,096
Hey, guys. I just hung up
with my manager,

317
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,973
and I asked him to call here
with any news.

318
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,893
So please pick up the phone,
day or night, okay?

319
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,019
Yeah.

320
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,980
Ralphie, how is it going
with your novel?

321
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:50,027
Oh, if mothers knew every rocky
detail of our lives, they'd never sleep.

322
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,321
Best to keep her off the scent.

323
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:55,032
Oh, I got some
real nice irons in the fire.

324
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:58,494
Oh. Well, you know,
that's really good to know.

325
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,954
Whew. Out of the frying pan...

326
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:06,418
That way, we can really focus
on getting into the Christmas spirit.

327
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,462
And into the fire.

328
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,217
Absolutely.

329
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,301
It's gonna be great.

330
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,386
Well, it's only five days away.

331
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:17,638
Well, Ralph's got this.

332
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:18,806
- Yeah?
- Right?

333
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:20,766
Oh, you bet. Uh...

334
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:23,685
We're gonna do it all.

335
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:28,440
Aw... That would make
your father so happy, Ralphie.

336
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,318
I can't wait to see
what you're gonna do with it.

337
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,153
Oh, that makes two of us.

338
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,696
I gotta figure this out.

339
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,907
You know,
I think I'm gonna take a walk.

340
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:40,786
Um, just get some fresh air,
maybe clear my head a little bit.

341
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:42,079
I'll be back.

342
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:47,918
Come on, get out of here!

343
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,837
Not the Bumpus hounds, too.

344
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,506
They tormented my old man
his whole life.

345
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:56,093
Now even they expected me
to fill his shoes.

346
00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:59,137
Uh, how was I supposed

347
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,140
to replace the greatest
Christmas ringmaster of all time?

348
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,727
Especially when he was the one
everyone was missing.

349
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:09,481
Well, sometimes, at life's
most desperate moments,

350
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:13,861
the universe offers us a sign.

351
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:23,829
Perhaps some insight from the
Hohman brain trust could help.

352
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:31,670
My old pal Flick had inherited
the bar from his old man.

353
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,339
Before that, he was best known
as the genius

354
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:38,176
who once stuck his tongue
to a frozen flag pole.

355
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,387
You're up by one.

356
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:45,893
Down by one.

357
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,020
You're up, Schwartz.

358
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,354
Last shot.

359
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:54,985
Any good luck Schwartz ever
had ran out in the fourth grade.

360
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:58,113
These days, he was either
running up his tab at Flick's,

361
00:19:58,196 --> 00:19:59,948
or at home with his mom.

362
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,618
For all the donuts, suckers.

363
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,497
Could it be? Schwartz?

364
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:08,874
In a moment of triumph?

365
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,670
Not a chance.

366
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,589
He did it again!

367
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,341
Congratulations
to the Slag Heaps!

368
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,801
Come on, drink up,
everybody. Drink it up.

369
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:20,885
Here we go.

370
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,309
Looks like I backed
the wrong team.

371
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,186
Again.

372
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,914
- Well, if it wasn't such a junk table.
- Junk? I just had it waxed.

373
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,397
Some things never change.

374
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,649
Well, I double dog dare you!

375
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,359
Especially Flick...

376
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:36,711
Stick my tongue
to that stupid pole?

377
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:37,945
And Schwartz.

378
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,047
That's 'cause
you know it'll stick.

379
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:39,947
Yeah, you've got an...

380
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,490
- Ralphie!
- Hey!

381
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,283
Am I glad to see you guys.

382
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,661
Come, have a drink!
The cosmopolitan man returns.

383
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:49,456
Yeah, Mr. Big Shot, gracing us
small town folk with his presence.

384
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:52,167
Yeah. Come on, I could
never forget about you guys.

385
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:53,961
Believe me, I tried.

386
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,171
Truth was, years ago,
I had promised myself

387
00:20:56,254 --> 00:21:00,133
that I wouldn't return to Hohman
until I was a genuine success.

388
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:04,763
And now, I didn't have the heart
to tell them the embarrassing truth.

389
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,932
Hey, Flick! Come on,
get us all a round, right?

390
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:08,558
- Put it on my tab. Come on.
- Yeah.

391
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,519
What? I'll pay my tab.

392
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:11,687
Eventually.

393
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:12,770
Mm-hmm.

394
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,398
Now, here's you two.

395
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:15,983
Here's mine.

396
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,318
Ralph, to your old man.

397
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:19,778
Hell of a guy.

398
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,321
Thanks.

399
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:22,948
Sorry, Ralphie.

400
00:21:23,031 --> 00:21:24,825
He was the best.

401
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,827
- To the old man.
- To the old man.

402
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:34,793
Oh, no.

403
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:38,296
The death knell for stool rats
'round the world.

404
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:39,673
Flick's Tavern.

405
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:42,050
No one knows
for whom the bell tolls.

406
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,885
Yes. Is Larry here?

407
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,390
Is Larry Novak here?

408
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:50,642
No.

409
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,853
Nope. Sorry, Mrs. Novak.
Larry's not here.

410
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:56,356
Yes, you have
a Merry Christmas as well.

411
00:21:58,608 --> 00:22:00,962
You ever wonder what happened
to your high school quarterback?

412
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:04,156
Ours turned into
good old Larry Novak.

413
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:06,742
So what do you guys do around
here for Christmas these days?

414
00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:08,452
It's the same here
as it's always been.

415
00:22:08,535 --> 00:22:09,619
Yeah, just the usual.

416
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,121
No, the usual's
not gonna cut it.

417
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:13,084
I need something more.
It's all on me this year.

418
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,917
Well, in that case,
I suggest you start drinking

419
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,252
and don't stop till New Year's.

420
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,920
No, this is serious.

421
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,255
Larry?

422
00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:21,590
What do you want from me?

423
00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:23,675
I come here to avoid my family.

424
00:22:25,093 --> 00:22:27,471
All right. Got an idea.
Here, you take that.

425
00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:29,639
- We'll come up with some idea.
- All right.

426
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:32,285
So, let's make a list. It's okay. You're
gonna be fine. We got this. Okay.

427
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,603
Ooh! But first,
line 'em up again.

428
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,040
- To lubricate our brains, right? Come on.
- It's a good idea.

429
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:39,733
- Christmas is...
- I have a terrarium.

430
00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:42,069
Okay.

431
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,363
It's a fish tank
for snakes and lizards.

432
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,240
It's very stimulating.

433
00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:49,451
- Ah.
- Cool. That's a great start. I love terrariums.

434
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,079
Hey. My sister knows
a guy who owns a Cessna.

435
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,790
- My cousin Craig, he's got a buffalo.
- Yeah.

436
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:56,291
Oh, that'd be fantastic.

437
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,460
- It's huge.
- No bad ideas, guys. Keep 'em coming.

438
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,337
I need this stuff.

439
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:02,148
- We got you covered. We got you.
- It's the kind of magic I need.

440
00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:04,092
- Come on, to Christmas.
- We got you. Christmas!

441
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:16,812
Ralph?

442
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:19,314
It's almost 10:00.
Are you awake?

443
00:23:19,397 --> 00:23:21,316
- Uh-uh.
- Mm.

444
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:27,072
So, is this the list?

445
00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:30,659
You know, the one you
woke me up about at 3:00 am?

446
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:31,868
Yeah.

447
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:34,621
That's my Christmas plan.

448
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:36,665
Okay. All right.

449
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,417
Well, you know,
some of these are good.

450
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,002
Yeah, sledding. That's great.

451
00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:42,504
Maybe you and Mark
could do that.

452
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,548
- You know, father-son outing.
- Okay. Great.

453
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:47,425
But some of these are

454
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,677
wax throwing?

455
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,178
Axe. Axe throwing.

456
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:53,849
- With the tomahawks and stuff.
- Okay. Even better.

457
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:57,769
Uh, "Make them catch and
kill their own turkey." Ooh.

458
00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:00,397
Well, maybe we could combine
that with the axe throwing.

459
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,190
Could be fun
for the kids, I think.

460
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,193
Right here,
"Volunteer at a soup kitchen."

461
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:07,028
See, that one's crossed off.

462
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,530
Yeah, it could be too much.

463
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,198
Polar bear plunge.

464
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:12,200
- Terrarium.
- Yeah.

465
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:14,035
- Chips and salsa.
- Larry has one.

466
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:15,745
Overthrow Castro. I'm in.

467
00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:17,414
Ambitious. But we can do it.

468
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,708
Buffalo.
Three exclamation points.

469
00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:21,042
So, do we move there?

470
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:23,086
No, no, no.
We're gonna bring it here.

471
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:24,963
It's buffalo?

472
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:26,423
Like an animal?

473
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,258
Yeah, some of these
need to bake, but...

474
00:24:28,341 --> 00:24:31,720
You know, honey, I think you're
maybe overcomplicating this.

475
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,471
Why don't we just
keep it simple?

476
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,836
Like, we could go ice skating.
You know I would love that.

477
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:37,392
Oh, I know.

478
00:24:37,475 --> 00:24:40,770
And, you know, maybe we just do
the usual Christmas stuff.

479
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:42,480
- Really?
- Yeah.

480
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:46,401
Like, we could start with just
getting the house decorated. Hm?

481
00:24:46,484 --> 00:24:47,819
- Hm? Okay?
- Hm. Okay.

482
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,863
It's a little boring.

483
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:51,948
Okay. So...

484
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:54,451
Ooh. No, let's start
with the shower.

485
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:56,995
Okay.

486
00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:02,500
Ralphie, be careful!

487
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:05,962
There's spiders
as big as cats up there!

488
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:08,256
Attics are museums
of indifference.

489
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:11,176
Littered with junk
you don't wanna look at,

490
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:14,012
but don't have
the courage to throw away.

491
00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:15,555
This place is a mess.

492
00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:17,849
How am I supposed to find
the Christmas stuff up here?

493
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:19,768
In the cardboard boxes!

494
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,103
Which one?
There's hundreds of them.

495
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:25,398
Figure it out.
We're busy down here!

496
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:29,611
He looks like
a deranged Easter bunny.

497
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,239
And still traumatizing.

498
00:25:40,830 --> 00:25:42,916
My first typewriter.

499
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:46,711
Oh, the stories we could tell.

500
00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:56,054
Oh!

501
00:25:56,137 --> 00:25:58,390
The motherlode
of Christmas past.

502
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:00,141
This was gonna be easy.

503
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,351
Wait.

504
00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:03,812
What the hell?

505
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:05,897
Sandy, honey,
I'm just trying to be helpful.

506
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:07,482
That does not go there.

507
00:26:07,565 --> 00:26:09,693
I... Okay. It may be
more helpful

508
00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:11,820
- if you start working...
- I'm way ahead of you.

509
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,905
What is this? Ow!

510
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,657
Damn it! It cut me.

511
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:17,993
No, don't. Your mouth is
just full of diseases. Come on.

512
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:20,829
- Let's get some Bactine on that finger.
- Mom, it's fine.

513
00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:23,999
My mother's cure-all
for any breach of the skin,

514
00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:26,418
from a splinter
to a decapitation

515
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,503
was a healthy swab of Bactine.

516
00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:31,589
Your father hated that tree.

517
00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:33,717
So do I. Where did it come from?

518
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,345
I bought it a few years ago,
thinking it'd make things easier,

519
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:40,223
but your father
banished it to the attic.

520
00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:41,725
He was right.

521
00:26:41,808 --> 00:26:43,518
We're getting a real tree.
Today.

522
00:26:43,601 --> 00:26:44,686
None of that fake junk.

523
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,354
- Well, you're the boss.
- Hm.

524
00:26:49,524 --> 00:26:51,609
What is it?

525
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,529
Well, I know that you've
got a lot on your shoulders,

526
00:26:54,612 --> 00:26:56,656
but I need you to do
something for me.

527
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:58,533
Yeah, Mom. Of course. Anything.

528
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:01,661
I want you to write your father's
obituary for the newspaper.

529
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,621
Me?

530
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,707
You are the writer
in the family.

531
00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:08,001
Oh, tell that to
the publishing industry.

532
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,837
Yes. I'll just have to think
of what to say.

533
00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:21,806
- They're coming.
- Who's coming?

534
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,310
Get down. Sandy, get down!

535
00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,937
There are two acknowledged
schools of thought

536
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:30,732
on the holiday tradition
of caroling.

537
00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:31,691
The first...

538
00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:33,360
Carolers!

539
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,904
Believes it is a gift
to the world.

540
00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,781
- The second school...
- Get the lights.

541
00:27:37,864 --> 00:27:40,450
To which our family
devoutly subscribed,

542
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:43,745
believes carolers to be
a scourge set upon the earth

543
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:46,414
- to pillage your time and ravage your patience.
- Oh. Ah!

544
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:49,167
What are you doing?
They're just carolers.

545
00:27:49,250 --> 00:27:51,836
Exactly.
They're just like ticks.

546
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,548
Once they get to your door,
you can't get rid of 'em. Hide.

547
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:56,925
Hide.

548
00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:01,304
You're kidding, right?

549
00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:02,972
No. No.

550
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,349
A couple of days ago,

551
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:07,060
I let my guard down
and they ambushed me.

552
00:28:07,143 --> 00:28:10,313
They sang three whole songs
before I could break free.

553
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,276
- Oh! They're here.
- But they're so cute.

554
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,778
Look at their costumes.

555
00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:18,780
Don't encourage them.

556
00:28:20,573 --> 00:28:22,409
You know, I grew up caroling.

557
00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:25,662
How could you?

558
00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:27,122
I didn't know.

559
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:29,249
But we can't just leave them
out there like this.

560
00:28:29,332 --> 00:28:30,542
Oh, yes, we can!

561
00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:34,546
Hey!

562
00:28:34,629 --> 00:28:36,309
The jig is up. I'll draw
them off. Now, go.

563
00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:37,298
Mom, no!

564
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:38,842
Save yourselves! Go!

565
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:41,428
- Mom!
- Save the children!

566
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,765
- This is so crazy!
- Come on, out!

567
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:51,980
- There's one over here!
- Hello!

568
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,864
Dad! There's something wrong
with this axe.

569
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,824
Come on, come on.

570
00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:04,284
We should have got the chainsaw.

571
00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:06,202
We're going to get
a Christmas tree, now!

572
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:08,872
Really? Come on, come on.

573
00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:15,211
They're getting away!

574
00:29:16,754 --> 00:29:18,548
I'm sorry. It was lovely!

575
00:29:20,467 --> 00:29:23,470
Merry Christmas, you... you

576
00:29:23,553 --> 00:29:25,972
- turds!
- Terrence!

577
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,020
What do you think, huh?
It's okay.

578
00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:34,105
- As long as you're...
- Look at that one.

579
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:36,357
- Christmas trees.
- Pretty good.

580
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:37,484
- Yeah.
- Okay.

581
00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:38,860
- Hello.
- Hello.

582
00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:40,129
I like that tree.
I like that one.

583
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,696
Hello. Can I help you, sir?

584
00:29:41,779 --> 00:29:43,364
Uh, just looking for a tree.

585
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:47,368
Uh, tall, short, skinny, fat?

586
00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:49,078
I'll know when I see it.

587
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:53,500
- Well, just let me know if I...
- If I see it.

588
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:55,210
Pretty slim pickings here, huh?

589
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,378
What do you mean, Dad?
There's plenty of trees.

590
00:29:57,962 --> 00:29:59,464
No, Mark.

591
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:00,858
- Yeah, they're all so beautiful.
- Come here.

592
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:01,882
Come here, come here.

593
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,343
- Now listen.
- What?

594
00:30:03,426 --> 00:30:05,306
Now, one of the many things
my old man taught me

595
00:30:05,386 --> 00:30:08,223
was you have to bargain with
these people or they'll rob you blind.

596
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:11,392
- Mm-hm.
- You see, it's a battle of wits. Right?

597
00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,036
Can't let 'em know
what you're thinking.

598
00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:14,729
But you gotta get in their head.

599
00:30:14,812 --> 00:30:17,524
Now, we open with a low bid.

600
00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:18,733
Okay?

601
00:30:18,816 --> 00:30:21,277
Real insult,
right across their bow.

602
00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:24,489
And if you're willing to walk
away, they'll come around.

603
00:30:24,572 --> 00:30:25,865
Hm.

604
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:27,784
They always do.

605
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:30,119
- You got it?
- Hm.

606
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:31,403
- Okay. Follow my lead.
- Yeah.

607
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:32,747
Let's go!

608
00:30:32,830 --> 00:30:34,999
- Okay.
- Let's go.

609
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:48,179
Find anything you like?

610
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:52,433
I mean, I suppose I could, maybe

611
00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:55,019
with this meager
inventory you have,

612
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:58,439
I could give you three

613
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,233
maybe

614
00:31:00,316 --> 00:31:02,610
four bucks tops,

615
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:03,778
for that one.

616
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:08,449
But, Ralph, isn't that...

617
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,636
Not now, woman! I'm about to
judo flip this bozo into the gutter!

618
00:31:10,660 --> 00:31:12,036
Sold.

619
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:13,454
Thank you so much.

620
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,707
I'll go get the twine.

621
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:18,001
Yeah, you bet you will.

622
00:31:18,084 --> 00:31:19,627
Look at that, huh?

623
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:22,255
Hey, Chuck,
I got rid of the monster tree!

624
00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:23,923
Bye!

625
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,467
Ralph, are you sure
it's gonna fit in the house?

626
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,344
Oh, you bet.

627
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:31,973
My family was enthralled.

628
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:35,393
Awed by the spectacle
I raised before them.

629
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:38,271
Isn't it great?

630
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:41,691
We probably should've trimmed
the tree before we brought it inside.

631
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:43,526
No, that's just a saying.

632
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,236
Nobody trims trees.

633
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:46,904
Besides, it's perfect.

634
00:31:49,616 --> 00:31:52,869
Yeah. Kinda looks like
it's going through puberty.

635
00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:55,038
No wonder they gave it
to us for four bucks.

636
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:59,792
No, it's a wonder how I actually
negotiated the deal of a lifetime.

637
00:32:01,919 --> 00:32:03,630
Oh!

638
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:09,052
Let's get to work. Come on!

639
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:11,179
- Okay!
- Come on! Let's go!

640
00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:12,305
Decoration time!

641
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,682
A beautiful little angel.

642
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:16,643
Radio.

643
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:18,019
Radio. Okay.

644
00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:20,688
Um, what about this one?
Nothing important?

645
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:22,023
- No.
- All right.

646
00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,442
Three, two, one...

647
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:26,152
Hey!

648
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,712
I don't think we should
have so much red.

649
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:34,869
I like that. Ooh.

650
00:32:34,952 --> 00:32:36,746
- Cheers!
- Cheers!

651
00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:41,376
Cheers. You, too, yeah.

652
00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:43,878
Now, one of the best reasons
to have children

653
00:32:43,961 --> 00:32:48,174
is to make them do the things
you don't wanna do as an adult.

654
00:32:48,257 --> 00:32:49,509
This a good place?

655
00:32:49,592 --> 00:32:50,778
- Higher than that.
- Go, go, go.

656
00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:51,719
- Here?
- Your hand.

657
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:52,929
- Yeah. Now up.
- Now in.

658
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:54,012
- Here?
- Both.

659
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,473
In and up.

660
00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,076
- Go in and up.
- Why didn't you just point there?

661
00:32:57,100 --> 00:32:58,851
- Looks good.
- Yeah.

662
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,896
- Keep it up, guys.
- How come you're not helping?

663
00:33:01,979 --> 00:33:04,065
- We're having fun watching you.
- Yeah.

664
00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:07,485
When it's just us, it kind
of feels like child labor.

665
00:33:08,986 --> 00:33:11,072
Oh, no, honey, it's not labor
if we don't pay you.

666
00:33:11,155 --> 00:33:13,408
Yeah.

667
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:15,660
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

668
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,954
You're hanging too many
on the bottom.

669
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:21,249
- Well, I can't reach that height!
- Use the ladder.

670
00:33:22,792 --> 00:33:23,876
Careful, honey.

671
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,128
Yeah, Mark, hold the ladder.

672
00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:27,088
I am!

673
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:28,756
Yeah, you're doing good, honey.

674
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:30,567
- Just get up a little higher.
- It looks really good.

675
00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:31,676
What next?

676
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:33,094
We have the whole side
over here,

677
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:34,777
- the one that faces the window.
- Mm-hm.

678
00:33:35,972 --> 00:33:38,099
Grandma! Are you sleeping?

679
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:40,143
No, just resting my eyes.

680
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:45,356
It was more fun with all of us.

681
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,693
Yeah. Grandpa always helped us
finish the tree.

682
00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:50,486
- You know what? You're right.
- Yep.

683
00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:52,947
- All right. Here we come. Come on.
- Okay.

684
00:33:53,030 --> 00:33:56,159
- The tree topper!
- It's not an angel.

685
00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:57,952
We always have an angel.

686
00:33:58,035 --> 00:34:00,705
Uh-oh. Better think fast.

687
00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:02,290
Not here in Hohman.

688
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:04,959
Uh-oh!

689
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:06,419
Here. Honey, hold this,
will you?

690
00:34:06,502 --> 00:34:08,212
Kids, come over here
by Grandma. Come on.

691
00:34:08,296 --> 00:34:09,964
To hook this little guppy,

692
00:34:10,047 --> 00:34:13,760
I'd need just the right combo
of mystique and legend.

693
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:16,971
Here in Hohman,
it's star country.

694
00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:19,891
If you don't have a star,
you can forget about it.

695
00:34:19,974 --> 00:34:22,310
Santa won't even stop
by your house.

696
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:23,728
Wait. Huh?

697
00:34:23,811 --> 00:34:25,396
I'm improvising.

698
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,440
Building new traditions.

699
00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:29,942
- It's good.
- Okay.

700
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:31,360
No doubt about it.

701
00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:34,197
Around these parts

702
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,908
no star, no Christmas.

703
00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:40,870
- Come on, take the bait.
- Mm.

704
00:34:40,953 --> 00:34:42,663
That's it.

705
00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:43,915
Okay.

706
00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:45,500
Hook, line and sinker.

707
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:54,383
- Ralph, we're leaving in 15.
- Okay.

708
00:34:56,385 --> 00:34:59,388
- How's it going up here?
- Oh. Couldn't be better.

709
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:04,977
Look at this.

710
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:07,105
These obituaries
are so impersonal.

711
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:10,233
Well, make it un-impersonal.

712
00:35:10,316 --> 00:35:13,694
This will be the last time most
folks ever give him a thought.

713
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:14,862
It's a lot of pressure.

714
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:15,947
Yeah.

715
00:35:17,990 --> 00:35:20,284
If anyone can do it, it's you.

716
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:23,204
- I gotta finish getting ready.
- All right. I'll be down in a few.

717
00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:24,372
Okay.

718
00:35:39,136 --> 00:35:41,430
The human animal
has an incredible knack

719
00:35:41,514 --> 00:35:44,308
for avoiding its greatest
responsibilities

720
00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:46,435
when any easier pursuit

721
00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:49,981
is nearby.

722
00:35:50,064 --> 00:35:52,233
Don't answer it!

723
00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:54,861
Expecting a big call
from my manager.

724
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:02,827
Good afternoon.
Mr. Ralph Parker speaking.

725
00:36:02,910 --> 00:36:04,912
Good afternoon to you,
Mr. Parker.

726
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:09,333
I do hope that we have not
caught you at an inconvenient time.

727
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:10,167
No.

728
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:12,253
Your Excellency.

729
00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:13,880
Randy.

730
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,214
Yeah.

731
00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:17,098
Well, who were you expecting,
President Nixon?

732
00:36:17,174 --> 00:36:20,052
To everyone's amazement,
my kid brother, Randy,

733
00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:22,054
had done quite well for himself,

734
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:25,099
traveling the globe for
business, a regular Rockefeller.

735
00:36:25,182 --> 00:36:27,310
So I'm calling to see
how Mom's holding up.

736
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:29,270
Yeah, she said
you're on your way.

737
00:36:29,353 --> 00:36:32,899
Look, Ralph, it's

738
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:36,903
it's not that easy getting
from India to Indiana.

739
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:38,779
But you're working on it, right?

740
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:40,364
Yeah. I'm at the airport.

741
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:42,575
Just waiting for
my plane to show up.

742
00:36:42,658 --> 00:36:46,329
And true to form, Randy was
burying his head in the sand.

743
00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:47,788
So how's Mom?

744
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,582
Now, the unspoken
rule amongst siblings

745
00:36:49,665 --> 00:36:52,501
is that under certain
extraordinary circumstances,

746
00:36:52,585 --> 00:36:57,298
a hit below the belt
is not only fair but necessary.

747
00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:00,551
I think she is getting
her strength back.

748
00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:01,844
What does that mean?

749
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:04,722
She finally ate something.
Thank God.

750
00:37:05,848 --> 00:37:07,224
Half a cracker.

751
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:08,309
A cracker?

752
00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,228
Wait, that's it? A cracker?

753
00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:12,104
Yeah, she's still in bed.

754
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,773
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

755
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:16,192
But she did speak today.

756
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:19,028
What'd she say?

757
00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:20,987
A...

758
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:23,115
It was one word.

759
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:25,158
She said...

760
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:27,328
"Randy."

761
00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:28,663
Oh.

762
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:30,498
But we all know how busy you are

763
00:37:30,581 --> 00:37:31,725
- and how hard you're trying to get here.
- No, wait!

764
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,167
Ralphie, Ralphie! Wait, no!

765
00:37:33,250 --> 00:37:34,394
- Ralphie, don't go.
- Oh. I think she's up.

766
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:35,169
Ralphie, don't go, don't go.

767
00:37:35,252 --> 00:37:37,213
Okay, gotta go.

768
00:37:37,296 --> 00:37:40,096
- Don't hang up on me now, Ralphie. Ralphie...
- Good luck, Randy. Bye.

769
00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:53,521
There are hobbyists, dabblers,
and dilettantes.

770
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:55,524
- But they all take a backseat...
- Blade covers.

771
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:58,275
- To the most annoying amateur of all...
- Pom-poms.

772
00:37:58,359 --> 00:38:00,778
The aficionado.

773
00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:03,155
She packed her own skates?

774
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:04,532
- Always.
- Oh.

775
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:06,492
You look like a princess.

776
00:38:06,575 --> 00:38:10,329
My wife was a self-avowed
figure skating devotee.

777
00:38:10,413 --> 00:38:12,081
Okay. Let's go.

778
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:13,499
Let's go.

779
00:38:13,582 --> 00:38:15,126
- Have fun, Ralphie.
- Bye, Mom.

780
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:17,878
Her keen ability
to recall every skater,

781
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,715
move, and point value
was matched only by

782
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:25,428
her complete lack
of athletic ability.

783
00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:30,349
You know, I really am good
once I get on the ice.

784
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:34,228
Well, you have such sturdy
ankles. I'm surprised they gave out.

785
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:37,273
Ah. Ah.

786
00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:39,734
Hey, look.
Found these in the attic.

787
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:40,901
Pretty fun.

788
00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:42,278
Thank you.

789
00:38:42,361 --> 00:38:44,655
All right. I'll leave these
with you, honey.

790
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:47,491
- Like, I can do tricks and stuff.
- Uh-huh.

791
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:55,976
Most bullies enjoy a little
time off for the holidays,

792
00:38:56,000 --> 00:39:00,046
but for devoted lifers like
these, the hunt never ends.

793
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,839
I can even do an arabesque.

794
00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:04,717
Is that what you did
off the front porch?

795
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:06,927
Uh...

796
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:09,263
Like unaware prey
on the Serengeti,

797
00:39:09,346 --> 00:39:13,768
Julie, Mark, and Delbert were
distracted by the Bumpus' junkyard jungle.

798
00:39:13,851 --> 00:39:16,270
- Slow down! I get car sick.
- What?

799
00:39:16,353 --> 00:39:18,773
What happened next
was inevitable.

800
00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:19,940
Mark, they're back!

801
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,275
Go to the backyard.

802
00:39:21,358 --> 00:39:22,693
Whoa. Here they are.

803
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:27,239
- You better run!
- Come on, Mark.

804
00:39:27,323 --> 00:39:28,783
- Hurry!
- See you later.

805
00:39:28,866 --> 00:39:31,118
Aw... He's stuck.

806
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:33,537
Hey, kids, do you wanna
play some...

807
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:35,247
Stop.

808
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:36,916
Barbarians!

809
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:38,751
Oh, not on my watch.

810
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:40,554
- Let him go!
- Say it and we'll let you go.

811
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:43,589
- Just say it. Mercy.
- No!

812
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,799
- Just say it.
- Say it.

813
00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:46,717
Okay, mercy!

814
00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:48,010
Hey! That's enough!

815
00:39:48,094 --> 00:39:49,970
It's his dad. We gotta bail.

816
00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:51,180
Go, go, go!

817
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:53,808
Babies need their
daddy to save them.

818
00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:55,017
See you next time!

819
00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:56,852
- Mark, you're okay?
- Leave me alone.

820
00:39:59,396 --> 00:40:01,065
- Mom.
- Oh...

821
00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:03,275
Oh, you're okay. Oh, here we go.

822
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:04,819
- Come on.
- Now you done it.

823
00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:06,403
It's open season on us.

824
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:08,405
Dumbass.

825
00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:12,535
Watch your mouth.

826
00:40:12,618 --> 00:40:15,097
Was he right? Was there untold wisdom
lurking behind Delbert's dead eyes?

827
00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:18,332
By protecting them,
was I making things worse?

828
00:40:20,626 --> 00:40:22,294
Pa, they're back!

829
00:40:24,088 --> 00:40:25,673
Oh, Lordy be!

830
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,591
Not Black Bart and his gang.

831
00:40:27,675 --> 00:40:31,095
Your old nemesis.
What we gonna do?

832
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:35,099
We gonna fight.

833
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:46,569
We meet again.

834
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,447
Ralphie.

835
00:40:54,952 --> 00:40:56,453
Follow my lead.

836
00:41:04,962 --> 00:41:06,172
Fire!

837
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,344
Get out of my way!

838
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:14,930
Fight back. What are you doing?

839
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:18,225
They're useless.

840
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,727
Not Mark!

841
00:41:23,647 --> 00:41:25,566
Pa! Save me!

842
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,153
No!

843
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,699
Oh, no! Pa!

844
00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:36,368
We'll be back, Ralphie.

845
00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:39,830
And you won't be around
to save 'em.

846
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,918
Let's ride!

847
00:41:49,632 --> 00:41:50,925
Oh, Ralph.

848
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:53,093
Who's going to fight
for us now, Pa?

849
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:56,388
We're as good as coyote food.

850
00:41:58,515 --> 00:42:01,977
Every parent learns you
can't protect your kids forever.

851
00:42:02,061 --> 00:42:05,189
Eventually, they have to do it
for themselves.

852
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:10,486
I needed to get Christmas
back on the rails.

853
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:15,658
And no better place than the biggest
and brightest distraction in all of Hohman.

854
00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:19,995
- Look at that. It's the Higbee's window.
- Wow.

855
00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:22,581
- You guys wanna go see it? Go, go, go.
- Yeah.

856
00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:24,625
Wow! It's pretty good, right?

857
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:26,377
It's just like you described it.

858
00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:33,550
Magically withstanding
the test of time

859
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:36,762
the window at Higbee's
did not disappoint.

860
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:43,560
Casting its spell
on young and old alike.

861
00:42:47,982 --> 00:42:52,278
Slowly, I could feel the Christmas
ember beginning to glow again.

862
00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:55,781
Time to turn it up
to a full-blown crackle.

863
00:42:55,864 --> 00:42:57,616
Who wants to go see Santa?

864
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:00,053
- He's inside right now.
- Oh, yes!

865
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:02,288
- Oh, yes.
- Come on, let's go.

866
00:43:03,831 --> 00:43:07,751
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

867
00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:15,301
This is amazing!

868
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,177
Incredible!

869
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,846
It was.

870
00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:22,266
Thank God. It really was.

871
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,184
Okay. Go get in line for Santa.

872
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:26,854
- And we will meet you right here when you're done.
- Okay, Mom.

873
00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:28,814
- Bye. Love you.
- All right. Bye. Love you.

874
00:43:28,897 --> 00:43:30,941
Seeing Christmas
through your children's eyes

875
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:34,445
has the power to summon
long-forgotten memories and emotions.

876
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:36,196
Don't let him kick you
in the face.

877
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,698
- Huh?
- Oh, it's okay.

878
00:43:37,781 --> 00:43:39,700
Uh, all right. What do we got?

879
00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:41,845
Okay, all right. I have got the
Christmas budget and here's the list.

880
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:43,263
- Oh, well. You kids have fun.
- All right.

881
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:44,621
I'm going to the lounge.

882
00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:46,123
- Bye, Ma.
- Bye.

883
00:43:46,206 --> 00:43:48,083
Okay. Flexible Flyer F-23.

884
00:43:48,167 --> 00:43:50,770
- Hungry Hungry Hippos, Easy-Bake Oven.
- Mm-hm. Yeah. It's all there.

885
00:43:50,794 --> 00:43:51,879
- All right. Ready?
- Yeah.

886
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:53,297
- Let's go!
- Let's go!

887
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:58,719
- Here you go, sir. Sorry about that.
- Are you okay?

888
00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:00,387
- I'm so sorry.
- Everybody's okay.

889
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:01,990
- Here we go. Let's get you off your feet.
- Okay.

890
00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:03,783
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.

891
00:44:03,807 --> 00:44:05,392
Thank you.

892
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:07,144
- Oh, there she is.
- Hi, Ma.

893
00:44:07,227 --> 00:44:08,604
- Hi!
- We had a little accident.

894
00:44:08,687 --> 00:44:09,938
- Sit down.
- Okay.

895
00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:11,440
- Here we go.
- Thank you.

896
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:12,941
There. Oh, God. Okay.

897
00:44:13,025 --> 00:44:14,902
I got it. I got it. Okay.

898
00:44:14,985 --> 00:44:16,671
- All right, I'm gonna go. I got this.
- Are you sure you're okay?

899
00:44:16,695 --> 00:44:18,855
- No problem. I can do it. I got it.
- Okay. Good luck.

900
00:44:19,281 --> 00:44:20,074
Ooh.

901
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:21,575
- Want one?
- Yeah.

902
00:44:32,878 --> 00:44:34,505
Ho, ho, ho!

903
00:44:34,588 --> 00:44:35,631
Want some?

904
00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:37,508
No.

905
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:39,510
Okay.

906
00:44:42,930 --> 00:44:44,515
I like this kind
of Christmas shopping.

907
00:44:44,598 --> 00:44:46,767
Oh, it's very civilized.

908
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:48,602
Merry Christmas...

909
00:44:48,685 --> 00:44:49,853
All right. I got the puzzle.

910
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:51,438
- And all the little stuff.
- Okay.

911
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:53,041
- Ooh. Good work, good work.
- Pretty good start.

912
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:54,584
- Where are the kids?
- About halfway through.

913
00:44:54,608 --> 00:44:56,252
- Okay. All right. Go, go, go.
- All right. Okay.

914
00:44:56,276 --> 00:44:58,570
My husband's doing
all the Christmas shopping.

915
00:44:58,654 --> 00:45:00,823
She had a skating accident.

916
00:45:12,501 --> 00:45:14,086
Are you sure
you don't want some?

917
00:45:14,711 --> 00:45:15,879
Yeah.

918
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:17,005
Okay.

919
00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:21,009
I never...

920
00:45:25,472 --> 00:45:28,058
Ah! Merry Christmas!

921
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:30,936
We got a wild one.

922
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:32,187
Get her up.

923
00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:33,564
Last chance.

924
00:45:33,647 --> 00:45:35,149
We're good.

925
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:36,442
Okay.

926
00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:42,114
Ho, ho, ho.

927
00:45:42,197 --> 00:45:43,657
Merry Christmas.

928
00:45:43,740 --> 00:45:45,135
- Who's next?
- All right. You're next. Come on up.

929
00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:47,369
- Come on.
- Let's go. Are you? Let's go.

930
00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:49,204
Let's go. Come on!

931
00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:51,457
Don't you dare! Ah!

932
00:45:51,540 --> 00:45:52,458
Oh, Lord.

933
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:53,541
Jeez! Get the mop.

934
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,335
Go get the mop. Come on.

935
00:45:55,419 --> 00:45:56,563
- You gotta put it in a letter this year.
- Get out of here, kid.

936
00:45:56,587 --> 00:45:57,587
Come back tomorrow.

937
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:00,191
I really shouldn't drink
this much on an empty stomach.

938
00:46:00,215 --> 00:46:02,593
- I have a candy cane in my purse.
- Mm.

939
00:46:02,676 --> 00:46:04,845
Oh, come on, come on,
lady, please.

940
00:46:24,781 --> 00:46:26,783
Merry Christmas!

941
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:29,161
So you're the real Santa Claus?

942
00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:30,996
Oh, here we go again.

943
00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:33,040
Why, yes, I am.

944
00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,125
- Reindeer. How many?
- Eight.

945
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:37,920
- Naughty kids. What do they get?
- Coal.

946
00:46:38,003 --> 00:46:39,379
Your legal name?

947
00:46:39,463 --> 00:46:40,714
Kristopher Kringle.

948
00:46:40,797 --> 00:46:44,259
North Pole. Longitude
and latitude?

949
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:47,888
90 North by 135 West.

950
00:46:47,971 --> 00:46:50,807
You're good. Very good.

951
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:52,100
Yes, I am.

952
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:55,270
Tree-toppers. Star or angel?

953
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:03,320
Come on,
Kringle, don't screw this up.

954
00:47:03,403 --> 00:47:05,572
Star! That's my guy!

955
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,408
- You really are Santa.
- Yes, I am!

956
00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:10,202
Okay. I want...

957
00:47:10,285 --> 00:47:12,287
Huh.

958
00:47:13,497 --> 00:47:15,123
Well, the cat, I can do.

959
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:17,584
The other thing,
you're on your own.

960
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:19,169
Deal.

961
00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:23,924
All right. Here we go.
Merry Christmas! Hey!

962
00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:26,969
Hey, Santa. What other thing?

963
00:47:27,052 --> 00:47:28,971
The kid asked for a radiator,

964
00:47:29,888 --> 00:47:31,765
for a '66 Plymouth.

965
00:47:34,851 --> 00:47:36,520
Oh, let go!

966
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:40,566
Did you do it?

967
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:48,156
You didn't think he could do it.

968
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:02,170
You got my mouth.

969
00:48:02,254 --> 00:48:04,298
Oh, damn radiator!

970
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:06,633
- Ah...
- Are you kidding me?

971
00:48:06,717 --> 00:48:09,428
Again? Poor Ralphie.

972
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:11,513
- Egg.
- Yeah.

973
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:16,184
- We're out.
- Ah, you gotta be kidding.

974
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:18,645
All right. Well, get comfortable.
It's gonna be a while.

975
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,480
Gotta let it cool on its own.

976
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,024
Oh, man!

977
00:48:23,025 --> 00:48:24,610
Mom, can we play in the snow?

978
00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:26,111
Yeah. Why not?

979
00:48:26,903 --> 00:48:28,739
Bring your gloves.

980
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:31,408
"No, honey, get the Plymouth."

981
00:48:31,491 --> 00:48:32,534
Stinkin'...

982
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:37,414
No, no, no.
That's not how you do it.

983
00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:40,167
You gotta pack it tighter
if you want it to go further.

984
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:42,044
Here, let me show you.

985
00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:43,670
You gotta pack it up.

986
00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:46,173
Come on, you guys have
made snowballs before. Here.

987
00:48:46,256 --> 00:48:48,342
If you want it to go far,
you gotta pack it. Pack it.

988
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:51,261
Push it. See, the tighter you
pack it, the further it will go.

989
00:48:51,345 --> 00:48:53,847
Like this. Then it goes...

990
00:48:53,930 --> 00:48:56,683
Like that, all right? Good luck.

991
00:48:57,434 --> 00:48:58,727
Like that?

992
00:49:01,605 --> 00:49:03,106
The question is

993
00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,360
do you have enough ammo?

994
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:09,029
What did I do?

995
00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:10,739
You're his accomplice.

996
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:12,199
Snowball fight!

997
00:49:14,201 --> 00:49:15,619
You shouldn't
have challenged me.

998
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,206
Get him! Get him!

999
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:20,624
Get 'em, Ralphie!

1000
00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:23,334
Come on.

1001
00:49:27,673 --> 00:49:30,300
- I thought you were injured.
- Mm.

1002
00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:33,220
- I'm feeling no pain.
- Well, whose side are you on?

1003
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:35,305
Uh... me and Mark.

1004
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,058
And you and Julie.

1005
00:49:38,141 --> 00:49:40,310
Oh, you got it.

1006
00:49:40,394 --> 00:49:42,062
- Come on, Mom!
- Stop. Take cover.

1007
00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:43,563
Oh, God. Oh, God.

1008
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,273
- Now!
- Hey!

1009
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:48,485
Wait for me. Oh!

1010
00:49:48,568 --> 00:49:49,736
Back in the car, Ma!

1011
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:51,571
Oh, yeah.

1012
00:49:51,655 --> 00:49:53,281
That's a good idea.

1013
00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:01,289
No, no, no. Head for cover! Run!

1014
00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:03,542
- I bet you can't hit me!
- Want to bet?

1015
00:50:03,625 --> 00:50:05,419
- Yes, we can!
- No, you can't!

1016
00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:07,462
Oh, yeah? Watch this!

1017
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:08,964
Get 'em, Dad!

1018
00:50:11,508 --> 00:50:14,052
Oh, my God! I killed Julie!

1019
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:20,350
- Dad, you ran three stop signs.
- Thank you, Mark.

1020
00:50:21,143 --> 00:50:22,185
He is your dad.

1021
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:23,770
Everyone out, please.

1022
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:25,272
Ralphie. Come here. I got her.

1023
00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:26,773
All right. She's fine.

1024
00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:28,000
- Come on, honey.
- Are we home?

1025
00:50:28,024 --> 00:50:29,264
No, Mom. We're at the hospital.

1026
00:50:29,317 --> 00:50:30,670
Would you get
in the hospital, please?

1027
00:50:30,694 --> 00:50:32,195
Is she gonna lose her eyeball?

1028
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:34,030
She's not losing anything.
Get inside.

1029
00:50:34,114 --> 00:50:36,408
You let her have it. Pow!

1030
00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:37,909
Yes, I was there. I saw.

1031
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:39,453
You'll be okay, sweetheart.

1032
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,038
She's fine.

1033
00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:02,434
- Mark, it's not polite to stare.
- Uh-huh.

1034
00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:08,690
Oh.

1035
00:51:08,774 --> 00:51:10,817
Would you look at that?

1036
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:14,571
I'm a Cyclops.

1037
00:51:14,654 --> 00:51:18,283
Oh... Hey. Oh, oh. Oh, honey.

1038
00:51:18,366 --> 00:51:20,327
Come on, let's get you home.

1039
00:51:20,410 --> 00:51:22,329
I'll put some Bactine on it.

1040
00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:23,872
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

1041
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:25,791
No, it's okay, honey.

1042
00:51:25,874 --> 00:51:27,560
Because the doctor said it's just
gonna be a couple of days, tops.

1043
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:28,919
Yeah. Better to be safe.

1044
00:51:29,002 --> 00:51:30,642
We don't want anything
to get in that eye.

1045
00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:33,465
Like a snowball?

1046
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:35,550
Okay. Let's get you home. Okay?

1047
00:51:35,634 --> 00:51:38,386
- We'll get you safe.
- Um, Ralph...

1048
00:51:43,433 --> 00:51:45,060
Were we robbed?

1049
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:47,354
My mind grappled
with the grim reality

1050
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:51,191
that every dollar we had set
aside for Christmas was spent!

1051
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:54,152
And now, just three days
before Christmas,

1052
00:51:54,236 --> 00:51:55,487
what do we have to show for it?

1053
00:51:55,570 --> 00:51:58,949
Nothing! Not one stinkin' thing!

1054
00:51:59,032 --> 00:52:00,325
The only upshot...

1055
00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:02,327
- That hurt?
- No.

1056
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:04,496
Our kids had no idea.

1057
00:52:07,082 --> 00:52:08,708
Son of a bitch.

1058
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:11,211
You got that right.

1059
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:16,299
Faced with
an impossible situation,

1060
00:52:16,383 --> 00:52:21,388
I did what any good parent
would do in a time like this.

1061
00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:25,016
Completely ignore the problem
and hope it goes away on its own.

1062
00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:28,562
Hey, Reuben. It's Ralph Parker.

1063
00:52:28,645 --> 00:52:30,146
I just wanted to call
and let you know

1064
00:52:30,230 --> 00:52:32,482
that I'm close to completing
my follow-up manuscript.

1065
00:52:32,566 --> 00:52:34,335
I can probably have it
wrapped up in a few days.

1066
00:52:34,359 --> 00:52:36,319
So if you think it'll
make a difference...

1067
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:37,713
Seeing as though we
haven't heard back on the one.

1068
00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:39,489
- Nothing yet, huh?
- Yeah.

1069
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:41,658
Okay. Uh...

1070
00:52:41,741 --> 00:52:44,953
Do you know if they received
the fruit basket I sent?

1071
00:52:50,083 --> 00:52:53,086
I know. I know.
I'm getting to that.

1072
00:52:53,169 --> 00:52:55,338
Ralph, I know you'll write
a great obituary.

1073
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:58,800
But right now,
we need to focus on Christmas.

1074
00:52:58,884 --> 00:53:01,094
Yeah, I know.
I'd love nothing more.

1075
00:53:01,177 --> 00:53:05,515
But I'm just a little hung up on the monsters
that stole presents from our children.

1076
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:07,976
I had everything. I had
everything. Every gift.

1077
00:53:08,059 --> 00:53:09,936
You were a sight
to behold at Higbee's.

1078
00:53:10,020 --> 00:53:11,813
I was. I really was.

1079
00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:13,958
But then, you know, we get into
a snowball fight, we're having fun,

1080
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:16,043
and then Mark says, "Hey, I
bet you can't hit me from here!"

1081
00:53:16,067 --> 00:53:18,045
- And then she just came out of nowhere.
- Ralph

1082
00:53:18,069 --> 00:53:20,172
- I mean, I didn't see her. She just sort of teleported.
- Ralph.

1083
00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:23,450
Honey, everyone knows that you
did not try to bean our daughter.

1084
00:53:23,533 --> 00:53:25,285
Man.

1085
00:53:25,368 --> 00:53:26,494
This is, you know...

1086
00:53:26,578 --> 00:53:29,623
My dad made this all
look so easy.

1087
00:53:29,706 --> 00:53:31,583
Yeah, that's what
good parents do.

1088
00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:34,419
But that doesn't mean
it was easy.

1089
00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:36,296
So, look, I put together
all our cash

1090
00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:38,131
and what we have left
of the Christmas fund

1091
00:53:38,214 --> 00:53:41,968
and we can still
get the kids some presents.

1092
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:44,930
How much do we have?

1093
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:47,057
Including the change
from the ashtray

1094
00:53:48,558 --> 00:53:50,352
$21.17.

1095
00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:52,771
Oh! It was worse than I thought.

1096
00:53:52,854 --> 00:53:54,898
Things had sunk to a new low,

1097
00:53:54,981 --> 00:53:59,402
forcing us to attempt the most
delicate of parental maneuvers

1098
00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:02,238
the lowering of expectations.

1099
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,950
- It's crazy.
- Hey, kids.

1100
00:54:05,033 --> 00:54:08,828
So, this Christmas, we
thought it might be really fun

1101
00:54:08,912 --> 00:54:11,331
to focus a little more
on gratitude.

1102
00:54:11,414 --> 00:54:12,414
Yeah.

1103
00:54:12,457 --> 00:54:13,833
Wait, what's going on?

1104
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,961
That was fast.

1105
00:54:16,044 --> 00:54:18,046
Well, that's what
we wanted to talk about.

1106
00:54:18,129 --> 00:54:22,550
Um, because Christmas isn't really
about how many great gifts you get.

1107
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:24,177
- Oh, no.
- Isn't it?

1108
00:54:24,260 --> 00:54:26,930
- They're onto us.
- No. It isn't, Mark.

1109
00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:31,017
Because this is part of Christmas,
right? And maybe the best part.

1110
00:54:31,101 --> 00:54:32,686
Mm-hm.

1111
00:54:32,769 --> 00:54:35,814
Yeah, all of us together,
enjoying delicious home-cooked

1112
00:54:35,897 --> 00:54:37,023
food.

1113
00:54:38,274 --> 00:54:40,026
Nice try, Sandy.

1114
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:42,213
Are you saying we're not getting
presents, just more casserole?

1115
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:43,530
No, no, no. No.

1116
00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:46,241
What your mom
is trying to help me say

1117
00:54:46,324 --> 00:54:48,785
- is that there will be presents.
- Mm-hm.

1118
00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:53,456
- Yeah.
- Just more likely not the ones you wanted.

1119
00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:55,208
Does this mean
Santa's not coming?

1120
00:54:55,291 --> 00:54:57,627
Bail out, bail out!
Eject, eject!

1121
00:54:57,711 --> 00:54:59,379
No, no. Of course he's coming.

1122
00:54:59,462 --> 00:55:01,047
Because Santa always
comes. Yeah. Yeah.

1123
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,971
No, we just want you to keep
one thing in mind.

1124
00:55:03,049 --> 00:55:06,428
Oh, please, please.
Don't say it.

1125
00:55:06,511 --> 00:55:08,138
It's the thought that counts.

1126
00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:10,181
Oh, no! She said it!

1127
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:13,393
Kids can smell that stinker
from a mile away.

1128
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:15,353
So, Christmas is gonna suck?

1129
00:55:15,437 --> 00:55:18,648
I knew it! This means I'm
not getting a sled, doesn't it?

1130
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:22,277
Okay, less attitude
and more gratitude, mister.

1131
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:27,240
Well, they certainly
got the message.

1132
00:55:27,323 --> 00:55:29,909
Can you just go after Mark?

1133
00:55:33,997 --> 00:55:35,040
Sorry.

1134
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:43,506
Wanna play Spades?

1135
00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,342
One-Eyed Jacks?

1136
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:49,345
No, thanks, Grandma.

1137
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,931
I have something important
I need to figure out.

1138
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:14,537
Mark, let's go for a walk.

1139
00:56:16,831 --> 00:56:17,916
Come on.

1140
00:56:20,293 --> 00:56:21,628
Suds for Dad,

1141
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:23,213
Shirley Temple for the kid.

1142
00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:26,925
To Christmas.

1143
00:56:27,008 --> 00:56:28,343
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

1144
00:56:28,426 --> 00:56:30,804
Ah, the genius
of the Shirley Temple.

1145
00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:36,267
A few simple ingredients that can make
a kid feel like he's one of the grown-ups.

1146
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:38,186
Oh, no, no. Ralphie.

1147
00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:40,539
After the week you've had, don't
worry about it. It's on the house.

1148
00:56:40,563 --> 00:56:42,607
Whoa! Did I hear "on the house"?

1149
00:56:42,690 --> 00:56:45,610
No, you didn't.

1150
00:56:45,693 --> 00:56:48,530
Hey, how's your
Christmas going, kid?

1151
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:50,281
It's okay, I guess.

1152
00:56:50,365 --> 00:56:54,285
I'm trying to focus
on gratitude.

1153
00:56:54,369 --> 00:56:56,579
That's real low, Ralph.

1154
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,917
Hey, Mark,
you ever bar tend before?

1155
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,628
- I'm ten.
- Old enough. Come on back here.

1156
00:57:03,711 --> 00:57:05,213
Have some fun. Come on.

1157
00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:15,557
Any in here?

1158
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:17,350
Nope. Nothing.

1159
00:57:26,985 --> 00:57:29,154
Look at you.

1160
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,532
Hey. Come with me.

1161
00:57:47,922 --> 00:57:49,048
What do you want?

1162
00:57:49,132 --> 00:57:51,467
I'm fixin' to feed the lobster.

1163
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:52,760
I found your puppy.

1164
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:55,430
She must have
gotten out somehow.

1165
00:57:55,513 --> 00:57:56,931
What's your angle?

1166
00:57:57,015 --> 00:58:00,768
If you want your adorable
little puppy back,

1167
00:58:01,477 --> 00:58:02,770
I want a reward.

1168
00:58:03,563 --> 00:58:05,565
What kinda reward?

1169
00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:09,444
There you go.

1170
00:58:09,527 --> 00:58:11,029
No way.

1171
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:12,238
Yup.

1172
00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:13,465
You got it.
Just go right down there.

1173
00:58:13,489 --> 00:58:15,658
Hey, thanks, kid.
You're all right.

1174
00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:19,871
Mark, answer it. Go on.

1175
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:25,084
Hello? Mm-hm.

1176
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:27,587
Hold on. Let me check.
Is Junior here?

1177
00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:30,173
Junior Kissel?

1178
00:58:30,256 --> 00:58:31,674
- Junior Kissel?
- No.

1179
00:58:33,176 --> 00:58:36,137
Junior Kissel?

1180
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:37,722
- No?
- No.

1181
00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:40,225
No, I'm sorry, ma'am.

1182
00:58:40,308 --> 00:58:41,893
There's no one here
named Junior.

1183
00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,229
Mm-hm.

1184
00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:46,022
Merry Christmas to you, too.

1185
00:58:46,105 --> 00:58:47,190
Bye.

1186
00:58:48,524 --> 00:58:51,194
Good job. You're great.

1187
00:58:51,277 --> 00:58:53,696
- He's great.
- Your kid's a natural.

1188
00:58:53,780 --> 00:58:55,073
Well done, kid.

1189
00:58:55,156 --> 00:58:56,741
- There you go.
- Wow.

1190
00:58:56,824 --> 00:58:59,786
Flick. Beer and a bag of
pork rinds. Put it on my tab.

1191
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:01,246
No, out of pork rinds.

1192
00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:03,414
Jeez. What kind of bar
runs out of pork rinds?

1193
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:06,167
Hey, you know, last week
they were out of corn nuts.

1194
00:59:08,878 --> 00:59:12,131
It's the kind of bar that floats
a guy who runs up a big tab

1195
00:59:12,215 --> 00:59:14,300
while disrespecting the place.

1196
00:59:14,384 --> 00:59:16,427
Whoa. I don't like your tone.

1197
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:18,471
Though he'd be
the last to admit it,

1198
00:59:18,554 --> 00:59:20,765
deep down somewhere
in his inner core,

1199
00:59:20,848 --> 00:59:25,019
Flick had it out for Schwartz since
that day on the playground long ago.

1200
00:59:25,103 --> 00:59:27,814
And what kind of tone would
you prefer, Your Highness?

1201
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:30,024
You know, you may be
a little more comfortable

1202
00:59:30,108 --> 00:59:32,277
down the street
at The Knight Cap.

1203
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:34,362
The Knight Cap?

1204
00:59:34,445 --> 00:59:38,491
The Knight Cap? Ugh.
Dante's lowest circle of bars.

1205
00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:40,285
The Knight Cap?

1206
00:59:41,619 --> 00:59:43,871
- Oh, you think?
- Yeah, maybe I do.

1207
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:45,290
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

1208
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:47,133
- Yeah? You're taking it back.
- Why would I?

1209
00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:48,334
I swear on my mother, Flick.

1210
00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:50,503
- You're taking it back!
- Oh, yeah?

1211
00:59:50,586 --> 00:59:51,796
Well, how about this?

1212
00:59:51,879 --> 00:59:54,716
I'll take it back
if you ride The Ramp.

1213
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:57,427
The Ramp?

1214
00:59:57,510 --> 00:59:59,721
No one with half a brain
would agree to ride The Ramp.

1215
00:59:59,804 --> 01:00:02,807
What, are you out of your
skull? I mean, I'm a grown man.

1216
01:00:02,890 --> 01:00:04,517
I ain't ridin' no ramp.

1217
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:07,020
But Flick was already
two moves ahead.

1218
01:00:07,103 --> 01:00:08,688
And

1219
01:00:08,771 --> 01:00:12,191
- I'll clear your tab.
- Ooh.

1220
01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:15,903
Poor Schwartz was outmaneuvered.

1221
01:00:15,987 --> 01:00:19,866
Rather than lose face
with his fellow lowlifes,

1222
01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,618
Schwartz sealed his fate.

1223
01:00:24,078 --> 01:00:25,621
- You're on.
- Okay.

1224
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:27,540
All right. Everybody out.

1225
01:00:27,623 --> 01:00:28,958
Dad, let's go!

1226
01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:40,178
The Ramp.

1227
01:00:40,261 --> 01:00:43,431
An abandoned experiment
from the Army Corps of Engineers.

1228
01:00:43,514 --> 01:00:47,435
In winter, it transformed
into a frosted sluice of terror.

1229
01:00:47,518 --> 01:00:51,898
On The Ramp, you may as well
be riding in your coffin.

1230
01:00:51,981 --> 01:00:53,941
- Holy...
- Yeah? What was that?

1231
01:00:54,025 --> 01:00:55,818
Huh? No. Nothing.

1232
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:57,236
Here. It's your funeral.

1233
01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:05,411
He's gonna ride that?

1234
01:01:05,495 --> 01:01:06,746
Uh-huh.

1235
01:01:08,873 --> 01:01:11,959
What the hell are you
looking at? Stupid kids.

1236
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:13,461
He's out of his mind.

1237
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:16,255
Keep going.

1238
01:01:16,339 --> 01:01:19,884
Keep going up that hill,
Schwartzy. Let's go!

1239
01:01:19,967 --> 01:01:21,761
It's getting cold!

1240
01:01:21,844 --> 01:01:23,262
What are you doing, man?

1241
01:01:23,346 --> 01:01:25,598
Oh, he's gonna chicken out.
Don't worry.

1242
01:01:27,850 --> 01:01:31,312
This is crazy. This is crazy.

1243
01:01:33,022 --> 01:01:34,524
But it's gonna clear my tab.

1244
01:01:45,034 --> 01:01:46,619
Hey, you gonna go down,

1245
01:01:46,702 --> 01:01:48,621
or we gonna stand here
and freeze our nuts off?

1246
01:01:48,704 --> 01:01:51,958
If revenge is a dish
best served cold,

1247
01:01:52,041 --> 01:01:55,795
this was a frozen dinner.

1248
01:01:57,964 --> 01:02:01,175
There's no way I'm gonna
kill myself for this. It's crazy!

1249
01:02:01,259 --> 01:02:02,552
Hey, Schwartz!

1250
01:02:02,635 --> 01:02:05,555
I Triple Dog Dare you!

1251
01:02:05,638 --> 01:02:07,557
Oh, if Schwartz backed down now,

1252
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:10,143
he could never show his face
in Flick's Tavern,

1253
01:02:10,226 --> 01:02:14,021
or perhaps even
in Hohman ever again.

1254
01:02:15,231 --> 01:02:16,858
Oh, I got him now. I got him.

1255
01:02:23,072 --> 01:02:25,408
Okay. We should probably
move out of the way.

1256
01:02:27,076 --> 01:02:28,453
Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie.

1257
01:02:29,328 --> 01:02:30,955
He's gonna be okay, right?

1258
01:02:33,958 --> 01:02:37,170
We should just probably
move out of the way.

1259
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:39,255
He's going to do it!
All right, let's go!

1260
01:02:45,511 --> 01:02:48,181
Geronimo!

1261
01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:01,861
Schwartz!

1262
01:03:01,944 --> 01:03:03,196
- Schwartz.
- Schwartz.

1263
01:03:03,279 --> 01:03:04,590
- Schwartz, wake up.
- Schwartz, wake up.

1264
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:05,865
Schwartz. Schwartz.

1265
01:03:05,948 --> 01:03:07,867
- Is he alive?
- I think. I don't know.

1266
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:09,390
- Schwartz, wake up, man.
- Schwartz.

1267
01:03:12,121 --> 01:03:13,414
The stink!

1268
01:03:15,208 --> 01:03:17,752
Uh... I thought we
lost you there, brother.

1269
01:03:17,835 --> 01:03:19,212
Did I do it?

1270
01:03:19,295 --> 01:03:20,981
- Did I clear my tab?
- Yeah, come on, Flick!

1271
01:03:21,005 --> 01:03:23,174
Yeah, your tab is forgiven.

1272
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,762
- Let's get you home.
- Okay.

1273
01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:30,640
Wait, but first,
let's go get a drink.

1274
01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:32,725
Put it on my tab.

1275
01:03:32,808 --> 01:03:36,354
Fueled by bravado,
one-up man ship, and libations,

1276
01:03:36,437 --> 01:03:39,190
the barflies took matters
into their own hands.

1277
01:03:39,273 --> 01:03:41,484
- No! My sled!
- Come on!

1278
01:03:41,567 --> 01:03:46,656
Any sensible person knew full well,
no one over 40 should go sledding.

1279
01:03:46,739 --> 01:03:49,867
But these were
not sensible people.

1280
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:53,704
You could not look away.

1281
01:03:56,749 --> 01:03:57,750
Make way!

1282
01:03:57,833 --> 01:03:59,085
Make way!

1283
01:04:00,836 --> 01:04:01,754
Whoa!

1284
01:04:01,837 --> 01:04:03,172
Ooh. Ooh.

1285
01:04:04,799 --> 01:04:06,509
Whoa!

1286
01:04:12,348 --> 01:04:15,226
I hadn't seen that many
cold-weather casualties

1287
01:04:15,309 --> 01:04:16,477
since the Korean War.

1288
01:04:16,561 --> 01:04:18,020
Dad! Watch this!

1289
01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:19,397
Mark! No! No!

1290
01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:23,150
Watch out!

1291
01:04:24,235 --> 01:04:25,403
Steer!

1292
01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:27,113
Steer!

1293
01:04:27,196 --> 01:04:28,573
Slow down, kid.

1294
01:04:32,868 --> 01:04:35,788
Oh, my God! I killed Mark!

1295
01:04:43,379 --> 01:04:44,463
Hi.

1296
01:04:44,547 --> 01:04:46,382
It's so late.

1297
01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:48,467
Everything go okay with Mark?

1298
01:04:48,551 --> 01:04:51,012
- More or less.
- That's good.

1299
01:04:51,095 --> 01:04:52,930
I took care of the presents.

1300
01:04:53,014 --> 01:04:54,181
Oh. Thank you.

1301
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:55,600
You're welcome.

1302
01:04:58,102 --> 01:04:59,395
Good night.

1303
01:04:59,478 --> 01:05:00,521
Good night.

1304
01:05:05,651 --> 01:05:06,861
By the way.

1305
01:05:06,944 --> 01:05:08,988
- Mark broke his arm.
- Hm?

1306
01:05:14,076 --> 01:05:17,955
My mother was one of the most
creative and ruthless Scrabble players,

1307
01:05:18,039 --> 01:05:19,874
in the entire Midwest.

1308
01:05:19,957 --> 01:05:23,836
Everyone knew better
than to lock horns with her.

1309
01:05:23,919 --> 01:05:25,504
Sandy, on the other hand...

1310
01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:30,259
Oh, um, I don't think
"bajillion" is actually a word.

1311
01:05:30,343 --> 01:05:32,345
Yes, it is.
You just used it in a sentence.

1312
01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:35,222
So, that's a double-word score,
a double-word score,

1313
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:37,058
and a seven-tile bonus

1314
01:05:37,141 --> 01:05:40,686
which is 50 points.
So, just give me a second.

1315
01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:45,107
122 points.

1316
01:05:45,941 --> 01:05:47,068
Wow.

1317
01:05:52,573 --> 01:05:54,909
Kids, you know, when
your father was your age,

1318
01:05:54,992 --> 01:05:57,578
he had a similar
sort of problem,

1319
01:05:57,662 --> 01:05:59,622
but he worked it out.

1320
01:05:59,705 --> 01:06:01,957
Uh, the Scut Farkus Affair.

1321
01:06:02,041 --> 01:06:03,542
Really? What happened?

1322
01:06:03,626 --> 01:06:07,922
Well, he beat the snot
out of that kid.

1323
01:06:08,005 --> 01:06:09,090
That's what happened.

1324
01:06:09,173 --> 01:06:11,550
- Wow!
- Daddy beat someone up?

1325
01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:14,053
Wait, that story is true?

1326
01:06:14,136 --> 01:06:15,971
Is it so hard to believe?

1327
01:06:16,055 --> 01:06:18,099
Huh. Ralph.

1328
01:06:18,182 --> 01:06:21,435
- Did he ever bother you again?
- Nope.

1329
01:06:22,978 --> 01:06:25,356
Hey, you guys gotta
get this figured out.

1330
01:06:25,439 --> 01:06:27,149
You can't just
be a target for 'em.

1331
01:06:30,277 --> 01:06:31,529
Armoire.

1332
01:06:31,612 --> 01:06:33,906
- That's not a word.
- Yes, it is.

1333
01:06:33,989 --> 01:06:35,825
It's just a fancy
word for "cabinet."

1334
01:06:35,908 --> 01:06:38,953
- You have one upstairs.
- I certainly do not.

1335
01:06:39,036 --> 01:06:42,998
In Indiana, we say "wardrobe."

1336
01:06:43,082 --> 01:06:46,043
- Come on, grab your coat.
- What for?

1337
01:06:46,127 --> 01:06:47,378
I have an idea.

1338
01:06:49,004 --> 01:06:50,381
"Arm." For five.

1339
01:06:50,464 --> 01:06:51,841
Oh, boy!

1340
01:06:51,924 --> 01:06:55,386
Five whole points for Sandy.

1341
01:06:55,469 --> 01:06:57,054
Good for you.

1342
01:06:59,974 --> 01:07:01,892
It's hideous.

1343
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,352
The worst.

1344
01:07:08,357 --> 01:07:11,986
The window was closing,
and I needed some good news.

1345
01:07:12,069 --> 01:07:15,406
All my hopes were pinned
on one last publisher.

1346
01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:18,033
- Hello, it's Reuben.
- Hey, Reuben. It's Ralph again.

1347
01:07:18,117 --> 01:07:19,285
- Ralph.
- Uh...

1348
01:07:19,368 --> 01:07:22,121
Wow. Still in the office
on Christmas Eve?

1349
01:07:22,204 --> 01:07:23,873
- That's dedication.
- Yeah.

1350
01:07:23,956 --> 01:07:29,962
Um, I was just calling
to check in, um,

1351
01:07:30,045 --> 01:07:32,506
one last time, before Christmas.

1352
01:07:32,590 --> 01:07:36,761
No. Ralph.
Um, not interested in it.

1353
01:07:36,844 --> 01:07:37,845
I see.

1354
01:07:45,394 --> 01:07:48,147
That was it. I had my chance.

1355
01:07:48,230 --> 01:07:52,401
And now... I had my answer.

1356
01:07:54,403 --> 01:07:56,030
Ralphie, are you all right?

1357
01:07:57,031 --> 01:07:58,032
Yes.

1358
01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:01,118
No. No.

1359
01:08:01,202 --> 01:08:06,248
That obituary is the hardest
damn thing I have ever had to write.

1360
01:08:06,332 --> 01:08:07,958
And I just found out why.

1361
01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:09,502
I'm no writer.

1362
01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:11,504
Just ask any publisher
in Chicago.

1363
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:13,714
Nobody cares, Mom.

1364
01:08:13,798 --> 01:08:16,342
Nobody wants my book. It's over.

1365
01:08:16,425 --> 01:08:19,929
- Oh, Ralphie.
- And an obituary?

1366
01:08:20,012 --> 01:08:23,766
How do you sum up a man's life
into a paragraph?

1367
01:08:25,893 --> 01:08:26,894
I can't do it.

1368
01:08:27,478 --> 01:08:28,729
Ralphie.

1369
01:08:29,522 --> 01:08:31,106
Ralphie, look at me.

1370
01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:36,153
Just forget about the
publishers and the paragraphs.

1371
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:39,406
Forget about trying to write
the perfect words.

1372
01:08:40,324 --> 01:08:41,992
Life isn't perfect.

1373
01:08:44,119 --> 01:08:46,914
Your father certainly
wasn't perfect.

1374
01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:51,210
Just write about
the man you love.

1375
01:08:53,796 --> 01:08:55,881
Or don't.

1376
01:08:55,965 --> 01:08:57,258
It's up to you.

1377
01:09:10,980 --> 01:09:13,190
He looks like a pink nightmare.

1378
01:09:18,654 --> 01:09:21,615
This is a lamp!

1379
01:09:30,040 --> 01:09:33,210
I had one when
I was eight years old.

1380
01:09:51,937 --> 01:09:54,732
Incredibly, the dam had broken.

1381
01:09:54,815 --> 01:10:00,154
Once I got out of the way, the words
and emotions poured onto the page.

1382
01:10:00,237 --> 01:10:03,908
My fingers raced to keep up
with the flood of memories

1383
01:10:03,991 --> 01:10:05,826
of my old man.

1384
01:11:12,601 --> 01:11:13,601
Hey.

1385
01:11:15,688 --> 01:11:16,730
Are you okay?

1386
01:11:17,606 --> 01:11:19,024
You know, actually.

1387
01:11:19,608 --> 01:11:20,943
I am...

1388
01:11:30,953 --> 01:11:33,664
What's going on
with you two? Nothin'!

1389
01:11:34,456 --> 01:11:36,041
Nothin'?

1390
01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:38,544
Behind every nothin',
there's always a somethin'.

1391
01:11:38,627 --> 01:11:40,879
- Here they come.
- Look! Another snowman.

1392
01:11:42,339 --> 01:11:43,757
Say goodbye!

1393
01:11:50,597 --> 01:11:52,349
Oh, my...

1394
01:11:56,603 --> 01:11:58,981
Gee, what happened, fellas?

1395
01:11:59,064 --> 01:12:02,526
Yeah, fellas.
Run into something?

1396
01:12:02,609 --> 01:12:04,778
Like a tree stump?

1397
01:12:07,740 --> 01:12:09,908
That is mine.

1398
01:12:09,992 --> 01:12:11,577
Thank you very much.

1399
01:12:12,369 --> 01:12:13,579
Pop's gonna kill us.

1400
01:12:13,662 --> 01:12:17,082
- Look! He done pissed himself!
- Did not!

1401
01:12:20,002 --> 01:12:23,422
Laughter, the sharpest
weapon in the arsenal of man,

1402
01:12:23,505 --> 01:12:27,051
able to cut giants down
to the size of mice.

1403
01:12:27,134 --> 01:12:28,134
Come on.

1404
01:12:29,762 --> 01:12:31,847
- Did you actually pee yourself?
- Shut up.

1405
01:12:33,015 --> 01:12:34,058
Mark.

1406
01:12:35,184 --> 01:12:36,185
Nice job.

1407
01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:42,733
I got snowmobiles.

1408
01:12:45,903 --> 01:12:47,654
Wait a minute, folks.

1409
01:12:47,738 --> 01:12:50,324
North American Aerospace
Defense Command radar

1410
01:12:50,407 --> 01:12:54,620
has just picked up an unknown
flying object in the night sky.

1411
01:12:54,703 --> 01:12:57,956
It's headed south toward
the continental United States

1412
01:12:58,040 --> 01:12:59,958
at a very high rate of speed.

1413
01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:02,162
- Repeat, NORAD radar...
- Is that what I think it is?

1414
01:13:02,211 --> 01:13:06,632
Has just intercepted a signal
originating from the North Pole.

1415
01:13:06,715 --> 01:13:09,510
It's Santa Claus!
It's Santa Claus!

1416
01:13:09,593 --> 01:13:12,471
You know what? I think it is!

1417
01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:17,351
At last, we were one silent
night away from Christmas.

1418
01:13:17,434 --> 01:13:19,937
I was home free.

1419
01:13:20,020 --> 01:13:21,480
By morning, my job would be...

1420
01:13:23,899 --> 01:13:24,817
Oh.

1421
01:13:24,900 --> 01:13:27,444
The star. It shattered.

1422
01:13:27,528 --> 01:13:30,364
Not just shattered, pulverized!

1423
01:13:30,447 --> 01:13:31,990
Can we fix it?

1424
01:13:32,074 --> 01:13:33,700
Oh, honey...

1425
01:13:33,784 --> 01:13:36,328
You said it won't be Christmas
without a star.

1426
01:13:36,411 --> 01:13:38,997
Oh, no, honey. It's okay. We
can still have a great Christmas.

1427
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:41,959
No! You said Santa won't
come without a star.

1428
01:13:43,544 --> 01:13:44,837
Oh, honey.

1429
01:13:44,920 --> 01:13:46,880
- Did I say that?
- Yes!

1430
01:13:46,964 --> 01:13:49,216
Well, I didn't know
this was gonna happen.

1431
01:13:49,299 --> 01:13:51,677
I knew it. No Christmas.

1432
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:53,846
Okay. You know what?

1433
01:13:53,929 --> 01:13:55,657
I'm gonna go out,
and I'm gonna get us a star.

1434
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:57,015
An even better one!

1435
01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:58,851
Ralphie, it's Christmas Eve.

1436
01:13:58,934 --> 01:14:02,062
- Well, then I better hurry.
- Well, uh... Everything's closed!

1437
01:14:02,146 --> 01:14:04,231
Well, you heard her.
Where are you going?

1438
01:14:04,314 --> 01:14:05,941
I am fixing this.

1439
01:14:06,024 --> 01:14:07,943
Ralph! Just give it up.

1440
01:14:08,026 --> 01:14:11,238
No! I am not giving it up.

1441
01:14:11,321 --> 01:14:13,365
I'm gonna go get us a star!

1442
01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:18,495
Oh. And we're gonna
have a great Christmas!

1443
01:14:22,916 --> 01:14:25,377
Get out of here!
Not now. Not now.

1444
01:14:25,460 --> 01:14:27,296
Not now, damn it.
Get out of here.

1445
01:14:29,089 --> 01:14:30,549
Get out of here.

1446
01:14:42,978 --> 01:14:48,692
As the town went dark, so did my
hopes of completing my mission.

1447
01:14:58,160 --> 01:15:03,749
The term "breaking and entering" has
always had such an unduly, sinister tone.

1448
01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:05,918
"Borrowing from a friend,"
on the other hand,

1449
01:15:06,001 --> 01:15:08,295
that sounded
downright neighborly.

1450
01:15:20,515 --> 01:15:23,310
If Flick were here,
he'd let me in.

1451
01:15:24,519 --> 01:15:26,230
But since he wasn't...

1452
01:15:36,865 --> 01:15:38,367
Son of a...

1453
01:15:54,132 --> 01:15:55,175
Come on.

1454
01:15:56,593 --> 01:15:58,595
Ow!

1455
01:16:17,114 --> 01:16:19,116
Victory!

1456
01:16:19,199 --> 01:16:23,829
With star in hand, I could return
triumphant to my adoring family.

1457
01:16:23,912 --> 01:16:25,706
Christmas would be saved.

1458
01:16:25,789 --> 01:16:28,375
You! Hold it right there.

1459
01:16:28,458 --> 01:16:31,169
Put your hands up.
I said put 'em up.

1460
01:16:31,253 --> 01:16:32,838
It's okay.
I know the owner, Flick.

1461
01:16:32,921 --> 01:16:34,756
I just had to borrow
a Christmas star.

1462
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:36,174
I left a note.

1463
01:16:36,258 --> 01:16:38,093
You left a note.
Well, that's a new one.

1464
01:16:39,219 --> 01:16:40,846
Wait.

1465
01:16:40,929 --> 01:16:42,514
Don't I know you?

1466
01:16:48,312 --> 01:16:51,690
Scut Farkus.

1467
01:16:51,773 --> 01:16:55,152
There he was,
with those same yellow eyes.

1468
01:16:55,235 --> 01:16:58,030
Dear God,
he still had yellow eyes!

1469
01:16:58,113 --> 01:17:00,198
I hadn't said as much
as two words to Scut

1470
01:17:00,282 --> 01:17:03,618
since I miraculously knocked
the snot out of him decades ago.

1471
01:17:03,702 --> 01:17:05,078
Say uncle!

1472
01:17:05,162 --> 01:17:07,247
Maybe he wouldn't recognize me.

1473
01:17:08,206 --> 01:17:09,541
Ralph Parker.

1474
01:17:09,625 --> 01:17:11,251
Damn!

1475
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:14,046
Breaking and entering. Never
imagined you'd end up like this.

1476
01:17:14,129 --> 01:17:15,547
Wait. I can explain.

1477
01:17:15,630 --> 01:17:17,132
Get in the car.

1478
01:17:23,680 --> 01:17:25,140
Rule number one.

1479
01:17:25,223 --> 01:17:26,892
When taken by the enemy,
don't show fear.

1480
01:17:26,975 --> 01:17:30,562
Befriend your captor
and develop a rapport.

1481
01:17:30,645 --> 01:17:34,816
So, what's it been?
20, 30 years?

1482
01:17:34,900 --> 01:17:36,401
Thirty-three

1483
01:17:36,485 --> 01:17:37,652
if you're counting.

1484
01:17:37,736 --> 01:17:39,196
Oh, this was it.

1485
01:17:39,279 --> 01:17:41,865
Scut would lock me up
and throw away the key.

1486
01:17:41,948 --> 01:17:44,117
What would become of my family?

1487
01:17:47,871 --> 01:17:50,499
- Who's there?
- You got visitors.

1488
01:17:54,670 --> 01:17:56,254
Dead man walking.

1489
01:18:04,429 --> 01:18:05,806
Sandy.

1490
01:18:05,889 --> 01:18:07,474
Wow, you look great.

1491
01:18:07,557 --> 01:18:09,101
I feel great, Ralph.

1492
01:18:09,184 --> 01:18:10,268
Better than ever.

1493
01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:12,437
Mark?

1494
01:18:12,521 --> 01:18:13,772
Hello, Dad.

1495
01:18:13,855 --> 01:18:15,357
Why are you talking like that?

1496
01:18:15,440 --> 01:18:17,943
Oh, look. He suddenly cares.

1497
01:18:18,026 --> 01:18:22,072
You never came home, Dad.
So things went a wee bit rotten.

1498
01:18:23,740 --> 01:18:25,701
Julie, is that you?

1499
01:18:29,037 --> 01:18:31,873
- Brought you a present.
- What happened to your eye?

1500
01:18:35,335 --> 01:18:38,088
Well, you did keep
one promise, Ralph.

1501
01:18:38,171 --> 01:18:41,049
It was a Christmas
we'll never forget.

1502
01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,552
Never forget.

1503
01:18:43,635 --> 01:18:45,303
Never forget.

1504
01:18:45,387 --> 01:18:49,099
Never forget. Never forget.

1505
01:18:49,182 --> 01:18:51,017
Never forget.

1506
01:18:51,101 --> 01:18:52,936
Never forget.

1507
01:18:53,019 --> 01:18:54,312
Never forget.

1508
01:18:55,063 --> 01:18:56,648
Ah, man.

1509
01:19:02,237 --> 01:19:03,655
Uh...

1510
01:19:03,738 --> 01:19:06,825
That's the police station.
I think we just passed it.

1511
01:19:06,908 --> 01:19:09,619
Don't worry about it.

1512
01:19:09,703 --> 01:19:13,165
Don't worry? I was very worried.

1513
01:19:13,248 --> 01:19:15,208
Oh, forget jail.

1514
01:19:15,292 --> 01:19:17,252
Scut was gonna kill me!

1515
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:20,297
You're looking kinda
jumpy, Parker.

1516
01:19:20,380 --> 01:19:22,674
Me? No. I'm fine.

1517
01:19:22,757 --> 01:19:26,261
Like busting into a bar
on a Christmas Eve fine?

1518
01:19:26,344 --> 01:19:28,221
Oh, I didn't want to do that.

1519
01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:31,516
I had to. I needed
that star for the tree

1520
01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:33,852
for my family for Christmas.

1521
01:19:33,935 --> 01:19:35,645
None of it makes any sense.

1522
01:19:35,729 --> 01:19:37,689
When we were kids,
life was simple.

1523
01:19:37,772 --> 01:19:41,693
It was all just fun and games.
Am I right?

1524
01:19:41,777 --> 01:19:43,737
Lots of laughs.

1525
01:19:43,820 --> 01:19:45,989
Yeah, now I got some
devil spawn of my own,

1526
01:19:46,072 --> 01:19:49,868
running around all day
on that stupid snowmobile.

1527
01:19:52,078 --> 01:19:55,457
Between us... I think
they're worse than I ever was.

1528
01:19:55,540 --> 01:19:56,958
No. What are you talking about?

1529
01:19:57,042 --> 01:19:58,210
I mean, you...

1530
01:19:58,293 --> 01:20:00,337
You were great.

1531
01:20:00,420 --> 01:20:02,047
Oh, what was I saying?

1532
01:20:02,130 --> 01:20:05,467
My mind was mush.
My dying words were lies!

1533
01:20:05,550 --> 01:20:06,801
All lies!

1534
01:20:06,885 --> 01:20:08,720
Farkus. Come in, Farkus.

1535
01:20:08,804 --> 01:20:10,889
- What's your 20?
- Can you hear me?

1536
01:20:10,972 --> 01:20:13,058
Oh, no! How would he do it?

1537
01:20:13,141 --> 01:20:14,935
Death by a thousand cuts?
Buried alive?

1538
01:20:15,018 --> 01:20:16,895
Medieval chin breaker?
Burned at the stake?

1539
01:20:16,978 --> 01:20:19,564
Steam rolled? Pool of piranhas?

1540
01:20:19,648 --> 01:20:20,899
End of the road, Parker.

1541
01:20:20,982 --> 01:20:22,567
Oh, no! This was it!

1542
01:20:22,651 --> 01:20:24,152
Kiss my sweet ass...

1543
01:20:24,236 --> 01:20:25,820
This is home, right?

1544
01:20:28,740 --> 01:20:31,201
Yeah, this is home.

1545
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,588
Breaking into Flick's dump, huh?

1546
01:20:43,672 --> 01:20:45,715
You must've really
needed that star.

1547
01:20:45,799 --> 01:20:48,260
Yeah, I did.

1548
01:20:48,343 --> 01:20:52,347
Look, I appreciate you blowing
smoke up my dress like you did,

1549
01:20:52,430 --> 01:20:54,933
but we both know
when we were kids

1550
01:20:55,016 --> 01:20:56,434
I was kind of a nightmare.

1551
01:20:56,518 --> 01:20:57,769
Kinda?

1552
01:20:57,853 --> 01:21:00,230
I was just trying
to be a tough guy, you know?

1553
01:21:00,313 --> 01:21:02,190
Like my old man.

1554
01:21:02,274 --> 01:21:06,778
But that day you handed my ass
to me... I mean, that got me thinkin'.

1555
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:09,030
Not sure where this is going.

1556
01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:12,617
You know, I put all
that garbage behind me.

1557
01:21:12,701 --> 01:21:13,743
And look at me now.

1558
01:21:15,245 --> 01:21:17,622
I'm one of the good guys.

1559
01:21:17,706 --> 01:21:19,791
So I guess what I'm saying is

1560
01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:20,959
I owe you, Parker.

1561
01:21:28,091 --> 01:21:29,091
Hey.

1562
01:21:34,014 --> 01:21:35,098
Merry Christmas, Ralph.

1563
01:21:36,516 --> 01:21:37,809
Merry Christmas, Scut.

1564
01:21:42,731 --> 01:21:45,984
You know, if anyone else but me
had answered that call,

1565
01:21:46,067 --> 01:21:49,070
you'd be rotting
in a jail cell all weekend.

1566
01:21:49,154 --> 01:21:50,322
How about that?

1567
01:22:29,944 --> 01:22:32,697
Oh, Ralphie. You found a star.

1568
01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:34,491
Yeah.

1569
01:22:43,458 --> 01:22:45,585
I miss him, Ma.

1570
01:22:45,669 --> 01:22:47,170
I miss him, too.

1571
01:22:49,464 --> 01:22:50,965
But I know he's here.

1572
01:22:56,888 --> 01:23:00,392
- I'll get the fuse.
- No. No. You go to bed.

1573
01:23:00,475 --> 01:23:04,062
I've gotta learn to do these
things on my own from now on.

1574
01:23:04,145 --> 01:23:05,647
- I'll be fine.
- Okay.

1575
01:23:05,730 --> 01:23:07,357
Okay, so, go. Go on.

1576
01:23:07,440 --> 01:23:09,317
- I'm going up.
- Okay. All right.

1577
01:23:09,401 --> 01:23:10,443
Be careful, Ma.

1578
01:23:10,527 --> 01:23:11,653
Good night, Ralphie.

1579
01:23:11,736 --> 01:23:12,779
Good night.

1580
01:23:16,658 --> 01:23:18,034
Wake up!

1581
01:23:19,786 --> 01:23:21,806
- Come on, it's Christmas!
- There's presents under the tree!

1582
01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:24,040
We have to go see! Come on!

1583
01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,959
- Okay, we're up, we're up.
- Okay, okay.

1584
01:23:26,042 --> 01:23:27,919
- Hurry up!
- Faster!

1585
01:23:29,546 --> 01:23:31,047
Look, Julie!

1586
01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:33,425
Daddy, Daddy, you did it!

1587
01:23:33,508 --> 01:23:36,261
- You got the star and Santa came!
- Look at it!

1588
01:23:36,344 --> 01:23:38,680
- Is that a beer logo?
- Awesome.

1589
01:23:38,763 --> 01:23:40,306
Don't ask.

1590
01:23:40,390 --> 01:23:43,059
- Oh. Merry Christmas.
- Oh. Merry Christmas.

1591
01:23:43,143 --> 01:23:44,936
- Merry Christmas, Ma.
- He ate the cookies!

1592
01:23:45,019 --> 01:23:47,313
- Good morning.
- And the stockings are full!

1593
01:23:47,397 --> 01:23:49,691
- Wow.
- Did you get extra presents?

1594
01:23:49,774 --> 01:23:51,234
No. Did you?

1595
01:23:51,317 --> 01:23:52,317
No.

1596
01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:55,238
"For Ralph. Love, Dad."

1597
01:23:56,030 --> 01:23:57,031
Oh.

1598
01:23:59,993 --> 01:24:02,287
"For Julie. Love, Grandpa."

1599
01:24:05,874 --> 01:24:07,459
Mom, these are all from Dad.

1600
01:24:08,376 --> 01:24:09,627
Yeah.

1601
01:24:09,711 --> 01:24:12,380
Last night, when I was
down in the basement

1602
01:24:12,464 --> 01:24:14,632
fixing the fuse, I found them.

1603
01:24:15,884 --> 01:24:20,096
He must've got them before.

1604
01:24:22,724 --> 01:24:25,810
Yeah. He did good.

1605
01:24:25,894 --> 01:24:27,145
Yeah.

1606
01:24:28,730 --> 01:24:31,941
- Well, come on! Let's open gifts!
- Yeah!

1607
01:24:32,025 --> 01:24:35,487
Each of us, in turn, opened
the gifts from my old man,

1608
01:24:35,570 --> 01:24:37,989
marveling at their
thoughtful perfection.

1609
01:24:38,072 --> 01:24:39,616
An Easy-Bake Oven!

1610
01:24:39,699 --> 01:24:42,076
- I can make Christmas cookies today!
- Yeah!

1611
01:24:42,160 --> 01:24:43,495
It even has a pom-pom.

1612
01:24:43,578 --> 01:24:45,497
- Wow.
- Really pretty.

1613
01:24:45,580 --> 01:24:47,999
- It is soft.
- Yeah.

1614
01:24:48,082 --> 01:24:49,667
- Ah...
- Fountain pen.

1615
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:52,045
- Oh, lovely.
- Wow.

1616
01:24:52,754 --> 01:24:53,754
Wow!

1617
01:24:56,216 --> 01:24:59,511
A Flexible Flyer F-23
Yankee Clipper!

1618
01:24:59,594 --> 01:25:00,804
How did he know?

1619
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:03,723
He knows. He always knows.

1620
01:25:03,807 --> 01:25:07,560
And right when it seemed the
only thing missing was the old man,

1621
01:25:07,644 --> 01:25:12,232
he was here, just like
always, on Christmas morning.

1622
01:25:14,150 --> 01:25:16,402
Whoa! Look at that.
Oh, you are...

1623
01:25:16,486 --> 01:25:18,196
Oh, boy.

1624
01:25:18,279 --> 01:25:20,199
We tore into the remaining
presents with abandon.

1625
01:25:20,240 --> 01:25:23,159
See, now your papa can't
hit you in the eyes anymore.

1626
01:25:23,243 --> 01:25:24,744
It was an accident.

1627
01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:26,955
Some were from
Mom's stockings from Santa,

1628
01:25:27,038 --> 01:25:30,583
and the rest from Sandy's
ingenious use of our remaining cash.

1629
01:25:30,667 --> 01:25:31,876
It's a party calendar.

1630
01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:33,419
Disco. Disco.

1631
01:25:33,503 --> 01:25:35,088
Disco. Yeah. Look at that.

1632
01:25:37,131 --> 01:25:39,551
No one cared how much
they cost, because,

1633
01:25:39,634 --> 01:25:42,178
and I can't believe
I'm admitting this,

1634
01:25:42,262 --> 01:25:44,180
it was the thought that counts.

1635
01:25:44,264 --> 01:25:46,808
He's gonna break his other
arm, too. Yeah. He just might.

1636
01:25:46,891 --> 01:25:49,894
- And, Dad, I have something for you.
- Oh.

1637
01:25:51,479 --> 01:25:53,356
- Ooh.
- The gifts are great.

1638
01:25:53,439 --> 01:25:55,149
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

1639
01:25:55,233 --> 01:25:57,318
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

1640
01:25:58,736 --> 01:25:59,988
Oh.

1641
01:26:00,071 --> 01:26:02,740
What?

1642
01:26:03,658 --> 01:26:05,493
Oh. A radiator.

1643
01:26:05,577 --> 01:26:07,745
- Where did you...
- I blackmailed Delbert.

1644
01:26:07,829 --> 01:26:10,540
- It was easy.
- That's my girl.

1645
01:26:12,584 --> 01:26:14,127
Thank you, sweetheart.

1646
01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:16,045
I love it.

1647
01:26:16,129 --> 01:26:18,923
- Delbert Bumpus. The gift that keeps on giving.
- Oh, my God.

1648
01:26:25,889 --> 01:26:27,348
I can't wait.

1649
01:26:27,432 --> 01:26:29,183
Me neither.

1650
01:26:29,267 --> 01:26:31,686
Not until
the casseroles are finished.

1651
01:26:33,187 --> 01:26:35,607
Come on, let's go.
Two plates, two forks.

1652
01:26:35,690 --> 01:26:37,192
- Off you go.
- You serious?

1653
01:26:37,275 --> 01:26:39,193
I'm serious.
Out you go. Come on.

1654
01:26:39,277 --> 01:26:40,778
Put some meat
on those bones. Go on.

1655
01:26:40,862 --> 01:26:42,488
- It never ends.
- I know, I know.

1656
01:26:51,247 --> 01:26:54,208
You know, I've been thinking.

1657
01:26:54,292 --> 01:26:56,961
I mean, a year, it really
isn't that much time.

1658
01:26:57,045 --> 01:26:59,839
- And to build a writing career...
- No, honey.

1659
01:27:00,548 --> 01:27:01,841
A deal's a deal.

1660
01:27:01,925 --> 01:27:03,551
And it was a real gift.

1661
01:27:03,635 --> 01:27:06,471
But come January,
I'm going back to work.

1662
01:27:07,096 --> 01:27:08,306
And that's okay.

1663
01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,642
Okay.

1664
01:27:31,955 --> 01:27:36,334
It wasn't the lack of success
that bothered me.

1665
01:27:36,417 --> 01:27:38,878
It was the sting
that laid in the belief

1666
01:27:38,962 --> 01:27:42,173
that I still had something
meaningful to say.

1667
01:27:44,717 --> 01:27:45,885
Ralphie!

1668
01:27:46,886 --> 01:27:48,137
Great job!

1669
01:27:50,598 --> 01:27:51,808
Okay.

1670
01:27:57,021 --> 01:27:58,356
Hey, Ralphie!

1671
01:27:58,439 --> 01:27:59,857
The wife and I loved your story.

1672
01:28:00,817 --> 01:28:01,859
The newspaper.

1673
01:28:03,444 --> 01:28:04,487
It's great!

1674
01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:32,557
It's my story.

1675
01:28:32,640 --> 01:28:34,434
How did they get my story?

1676
01:28:34,517 --> 01:28:35,560
Don't look at me.

1677
01:28:38,062 --> 01:28:39,731
I gave it to 'em.

1678
01:28:39,814 --> 01:28:41,566
What are you talking about?

1679
01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:44,044
Well, last night, after you
stormed out, the newspaper called.

1680
01:28:44,068 --> 01:28:46,446
They wanted the obituary
for the Sunday paper.

1681
01:28:46,529 --> 01:28:49,949
So, I borrowed your mom's car
and I dropped it off.

1682
01:28:50,033 --> 01:28:51,367
It's not an obituary.

1683
01:28:51,451 --> 01:28:55,121
No, I know.
The editor said the same thing.

1684
01:28:55,204 --> 01:28:59,208
Ralph, I read it. It's the
best thing you've ever written.

1685
01:29:01,377 --> 01:29:02,962
And besides,
I wasn't about to give them

1686
01:29:03,046 --> 01:29:06,382
the lousy three sentences
you scribbled on that notepad.

1687
01:29:06,466 --> 01:29:08,468
Oh, I'll get it.

1688
01:29:10,553 --> 01:29:13,181
Hello? Yes.

1689
01:29:13,264 --> 01:29:14,682
Yes, he's here.

1690
01:29:14,766 --> 01:29:15,767
It's for you.

1691
01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:16,768
Who is it?

1692
01:29:16,851 --> 01:29:18,811
It's the editor from the paper.

1693
01:29:25,234 --> 01:29:26,235
Hello?

1694
01:29:27,361 --> 01:29:28,361
Uh-huh.

1695
01:29:29,072 --> 01:29:30,156
Yes.

1696
01:29:30,239 --> 01:29:32,742
Yes, I do. All right.

1697
01:29:34,368 --> 01:29:36,579
Okay. Mm-hm.

1698
01:29:39,373 --> 01:29:40,458
Thank you.

1699
01:29:46,422 --> 01:29:48,591
Well, what did he say?

1700
01:29:51,511 --> 01:29:54,263
He wants to know
if I have more stories.

1701
01:29:59,185 --> 01:30:00,353
Ralph...

1702
01:30:01,562 --> 01:30:03,064
You did it.

1703
01:30:03,147 --> 01:30:05,233
I did it. I did it!

1704
01:30:05,316 --> 01:30:07,318
I did it.

1705
01:30:08,820 --> 01:30:11,030
I did. I actually did it!

1706
01:30:11,114 --> 01:30:13,991
I was a bona fide
published writer!

1707
01:30:14,075 --> 01:30:15,409
And they wanted more!

1708
01:30:18,704 --> 01:30:21,916
- I'll get it!
- He also said it's gonna be syndicated.

1709
01:30:21,999 --> 01:30:23,334
- What?
- What does that mean?

1710
01:30:23,417 --> 01:30:25,336
It means it's going
in all the papers.

1711
01:30:25,419 --> 01:30:27,004
- Even in Chicago?
- Yeah.

1712
01:30:27,088 --> 01:30:29,507
Come on. Let's go read it!

1713
01:30:29,590 --> 01:30:32,009
- Ralph.
- Wait for me!

1714
01:30:32,093 --> 01:30:34,387
- Thank you, honey.
- Of course.

1715
01:30:34,470 --> 01:30:37,265
- Ralphie, you have visitors.
- Go, go, go!

1716
01:30:37,348 --> 01:30:38,683
- Okay. Okay.
- Go!

1717
01:30:38,766 --> 01:30:39,976
Who is it, Ma?

1718
01:30:40,059 --> 01:30:42,770
There he is!
Hohman's own Ray Bradbury!

1719
01:30:42,854 --> 01:30:44,647
Oh, man! Good job.

1720
01:30:44,730 --> 01:30:47,733
- Hey! Yeah, good stuff, man.
- Thanks, buddy.

1721
01:30:47,817 --> 01:30:48,985
Mom loved it.

1722
01:30:49,068 --> 01:30:50,653
- Had me read it to her twice.
- Wow.

1723
01:30:50,736 --> 01:30:53,030
- Thanks for the story, Ralph.
- Hey, Larry.

1724
01:30:53,114 --> 01:30:55,449
Great excuse to get
out of the house.

1725
01:30:55,533 --> 01:30:56,617
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

1726
01:30:56,701 --> 01:30:59,036
How do you feel about casserole?

1727
01:30:59,120 --> 01:31:01,289
- I love it.
- You must be hungry.

1728
01:31:01,372 --> 01:31:02,373
Casserole.

1729
01:31:02,456 --> 01:31:03,541
- Let's eat!
- Come on.

1730
01:31:03,624 --> 01:31:05,877
Merry Christmas, everybody!

1731
01:31:05,960 --> 01:31:09,088
As the word spread, it seemed like
half the neighborhood showed up.

1732
01:31:09,172 --> 01:31:11,883
My mother welcomed them
with open arms

1733
01:31:11,966 --> 01:31:14,093
as long as they
weren't carolers.

1734
01:31:14,177 --> 01:31:15,970
- You digging in?
- Ralph.

1735
01:31:18,973 --> 01:31:20,850
- No, it's not true.
- Officer Farkus...

1736
01:31:20,933 --> 01:31:22,393
Hey! What's all the fuss?

1737
01:31:22,476 --> 01:31:23,895
Oh, Randy!

1738
01:31:24,770 --> 01:31:26,731
- Randy!
- Mom!

1739
01:31:28,691 --> 01:31:30,151
Oh.

1740
01:31:30,234 --> 01:31:32,278
- Hey! Merry Christmas, big brother.
- You made it.

1741
01:31:32,361 --> 01:31:34,572
Yeah. A cracker?

1742
01:31:34,655 --> 01:31:36,073
Mm-hm.

1743
01:31:36,157 --> 01:31:39,368
- Uncle Randy!
- Hey, runts! How are you doing?

1744
01:31:39,452 --> 01:31:41,078
Good to see you.
Good to see you.

1745
01:31:41,162 --> 01:31:43,182
Hey, why don't you go check out
that suitcase over there.

1746
01:31:43,206 --> 01:31:45,416
I picked up some gifts
along the way.

1747
01:31:45,500 --> 01:31:46,709
- Sandy!
- Randy!

1748
01:31:46,792 --> 01:31:49,086
- Hey.
- Hey. Merry Christmas.

1749
01:31:49,170 --> 01:31:51,797
It's the stuffed cat I wanted!

1750
01:31:51,881 --> 01:31:52,798
Oh.

1751
01:31:52,882 --> 01:31:55,259
Cool! A saber.

1752
01:31:55,343 --> 01:31:56,594
- Awesome!
- Oh.

1753
01:31:56,677 --> 01:31:58,429
No, no, no.

1754
01:31:58,512 --> 01:32:00,598
What's that smell?

1755
01:32:00,681 --> 01:32:02,058
Casserole. Come on, let's eat.

1756
01:32:02,141 --> 01:32:03,494
- What, on Christmas?
- Let's go. Go.

1757
01:32:03,518 --> 01:32:05,269
Come on. We need some dishes.

1758
01:32:05,353 --> 01:32:08,814
Extra chairs. Come on,
everybody. Come on.

1759
01:32:08,898 --> 01:32:12,443
Everyone gathered 'round,
rolled up their sleeves,

1760
01:32:12,527 --> 01:32:14,320
and loosened
their belts a notch.

1761
01:32:14,403 --> 01:32:17,281
Those casseroles
didn't stand a chance.

1762
01:32:17,365 --> 01:32:20,660
Not with the bottomless
pit known as

1763
01:32:21,536 --> 01:32:23,788
good ol' Larry Novak.

1764
01:32:34,799 --> 01:32:35,799
Yeah!

1765
01:32:37,218 --> 01:32:40,972
Turkey! Turkey's ready!
Make room for the turkey!

1766
01:32:41,055 --> 01:32:42,223
Finally!

1767
01:32:42,306 --> 01:32:44,767
Here we go. All right.

1768
01:32:44,850 --> 01:32:47,103
When I tallied up
the final scorecard,

1769
01:32:47,186 --> 01:32:50,147
it was hardly the perfect
holiday I'd imagined.

1770
01:32:50,231 --> 01:32:52,024
My wife on crutches,

1771
01:32:52,108 --> 01:32:53,734
broken arm for my son,

1772
01:32:53,818 --> 01:32:55,945
my daughter nearly blinded,

1773
01:32:56,028 --> 01:32:57,405
stolen gifts,

1774
01:32:57,488 --> 01:32:59,532
and my book flopped.

1775
01:32:59,615 --> 01:33:03,119
But somehow, beyond the scope
of probability,

1776
01:33:03,202 --> 01:33:05,997
through all the headaches
and heartaches,

1777
01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:08,582
the house was filled with life,

1778
01:33:08,666 --> 01:33:09,959
laughter,

1779
01:33:10,042 --> 01:33:12,086
and love once again.

1780
01:33:13,212 --> 01:33:15,298
The old man would be proud.

1781
01:33:21,345 --> 01:33:22,805
Hot damn, Ralph!

1782
01:33:22,888 --> 01:33:24,348
You did it.

1783
01:33:26,100 --> 01:33:27,268
Mom, what'd you think?

1784
01:33:27,351 --> 01:33:28,853
Oh, I haven't read it yet.

1785
01:33:28,936 --> 01:33:30,187
- What?
- No.

1786
01:33:30,271 --> 01:33:33,190
I wanted to hear it
from my son, the writer.

1787
01:33:33,274 --> 01:33:34,692
Yeah, Dad. Read it.

1788
01:33:34,775 --> 01:33:35,818
Yeah.

1789
01:33:38,446 --> 01:33:39,905
Come here.

1790
01:33:39,989 --> 01:33:41,365
Come here.

1791
01:33:55,212 --> 01:33:57,548
"My Old Man."

1792
01:33:57,631 --> 01:34:00,760
My old man didn't just
celebrate Christmas,

1793
01:34:00,843 --> 01:34:02,261
he indulged in it.

1794
01:34:02,345 --> 01:34:04,388
Brought it to life
for his family.

1795
01:34:06,974 --> 01:34:10,353
One Christmas in particular
stood out as the gold standard.

1796
01:34:10,436 --> 01:34:14,065
And it all started back in the
good old house on Cleveland Street.

1797
01:34:16,650 --> 01:34:18,944
Christmas was on its way

1798
01:34:19,028 --> 01:34:21,530
lovely, glorious,
beautiful Christmas

1799
01:34:21,614 --> 01:34:24,492
around which
the entire kid year revolved.

1800
01:34:26,327 --> 01:34:30,039
Downtown Hohman was prepared
for its annual bacchanalia

1801
01:34:30,122 --> 01:34:33,376
of peace on Earth
and good will to men.

1802
01:34:35,169 --> 01:34:37,380
But more importantly,
to one boy,

1803
01:34:37,463 --> 01:34:40,341
his quest to acquire
the most coveted gift

1804
01:34:40,424 --> 01:34:42,593
a nine-year-old
could hope for...

1805
01:34:43,344 --> 01:34:45,054
"The Holy Grail."

1806
01:34:45,137 --> 01:34:46,764
Holy Grail of Christmas gifts.

1807
01:34:46,847 --> 01:34:49,892
The Red Ryder, 200 shot,

1808
01:34:49,975 --> 01:34:52,311
range model air rifle.