1 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,551 (hammering) 2 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,679 Good morning, my little chicks and cocks. 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,631 Malcolm, monitoring... All the usual. 4 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,035 How did your team do at the weekend? 5 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,754 - All right, yeah, we won. - (whispers) Wanker. 6 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,758 Sam, morning. How are you? 7 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,952 Well, pop-pickers, what disc shall we start with today? 8 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,389 Wonky Ron or how about Simon Foster? 9 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,432 On the Eddie Mair PM programme on the BBC. 10 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,120 (recording) MAlR: Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, 11 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,435 the Minister for lnternational Development. 12 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,437 You've been in the job for 18 months. 13 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,391 Do you think you're making headway? 14 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,317 S I MON FOSTE R : Yes, I do. 15 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,034 You'd expect me to say that, I suppose. 16 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,598 WOMAN : Mark. 17 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,280 You're co-ordinating the Millennium Goals press release? 18 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,118 Co-ordinate it better, please. 19 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,071 Is that the minister? 20 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,428 OK. 21 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,397 Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview? 22 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,351 No, not yet. 23 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,517 - Perhaps he didn't hear it. - Or maybe he's dead. 24 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,119 He might be dead! 25 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,516 He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for. 26 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,710 It's been in the fucking post. 27 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,719 Preventable sickness in many of the poorest countries around the world. 28 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,956 And of course, the big one is diarrhoea... 29 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,755 Ah, diarrhoea. This is the M inister for I nternational Development. 30 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,871 He should be talking about food parcels, 31 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,150 not fucking arse-spraying mayhem. 32 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:52,431 So if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then we can... 33 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,790 Oh, say it again. Yes, very good. 34 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,831 What is this, the shitting forecast? 35 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,837 ..hopefully that will strike another blow 36 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,791 in the war against preventable diseases. 37 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,717 MAl R: You mentioned the word "war". - Steady, Eddie. 38 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,592 FOSTE R : Against preventable diseases. 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,950 MAl R : All the evidence now points to 40 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:10,277 a US military intervention in the Middle East. 41 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,277 Is that your view? 42 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,870 FOSTE R : Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable. 43 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,433 Sam. Sam! 44 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,073 MAl R : Unforeseeable? FOSTE R : Yes. 45 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,919 No, you do not think that! 46 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,031 Sam, I'm going to have to go 47 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,630 to lnternational Development to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair. 48 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,591 He did not say "unforeseeable". 49 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,553 You may have heard him say that, but he did not say that. 50 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,079 And that is a fact. 51 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,031 Now, he's gonna want you to row back 52 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,879 on that "unforeseeable" thing on Question Time tonight. 53 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,879 On Question Time, you know the funny question they always have at the end? 54 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,194 Yes. 55 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,151 I think we should prep that now. 56 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,510 Cos I'd like to shine on the funny question. 57 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,756 I'm a funny guy, with a light touch. 58 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,031 There's this guy, he's a property tycoon. He bought a South Sea island. 59 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:57,152 It might be something like that. If you had to spend the rest of your life 60 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,635 on a desert island with someone, who would it be with? 61 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,274 Well...I can't say my wife cos I haven't got one. 62 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,836 I can't say my girlfriend, because I haven't got one of those either. 63 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,589 - And don't say Mandela. That's... - No, no, boring. And a bloke. 64 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,119 Or Keira Knightley. 65 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,231 That's a good idea. 66 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,874 Pervert. Sex. Minister. People don't want to know. 67 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,433 I don't think so. 68 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,596 Did you take the washing out of the machine? 69 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,392 - No. - What do you mean "no"? 70 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,636 No, I didn't take the washing out of the machine. 71 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,910 - It's gonna go really stale... - lt'll be fine. 72 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,235 - It's not fine. - It's fine. I'll wear stale pants. 73 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,555 I don't want to go out with someone in stale pants. 74 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,636 Well, there we go. I could go commando. 75 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,115 But I don't think that's accepted in government. 76 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,595 Have you got everything you need for your first day? 77 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,551 Oh, yes, all in here. My massive intellect 78 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,875 and an apple for Simon Foster. 79 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,831 Simon "Fluster", don't you mean? 80 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,076 Don't call him that. I'm rebranding him. 81 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,509 He was absolutely crap on the radio last night. 82 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,710 He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up its arse. 83 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,592 You give me a week, I'll have him sounding 84 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,551 Iike a chicken without a wasp up its arse. 85 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,274 Good luck at the Foreign Office. Try not to annoy Russia. 86 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,197 - See you later. - See you later. 87 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,595 I'll give you a call later. Keep your phone on. 88 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,314 - Be careful. Cars. - Oh, really? Thanks for that. 89 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,396 Helpful... 90 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,950 OK, OK, go ahead and print "unforeseeable". 91 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,672 Listen, assume I tell your wife 92 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,314 about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, 93 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,829 what would be best, an e-mail, a phone call or what? 94 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,679 I could write it on a cake! With those little silver balls. 95 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,439 "Your hack husband betrayed you on October 4th... 96 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,516 and congratulations on the new baby." 97 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,870 Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it, yeah. 98 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,831 OK, fuckity bye. 99 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,076 WOMAN: (on phone) Did you put away the lasagne? 100 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,111 Yes, of course, it's in the fridge. 101 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,390 It's got Clingfilm on it and everything. 102 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,317 Why did you put Clingfilm on it? 103 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,360 Because that keeps it fresh. That's the point of Clingfilm. 104 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,118 No, I don't want to hold. 105 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,229 It might dry out. 106 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,509 That's an amateur mistake. 107 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,996 I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change? 108 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,269 It's not carcinogenic. 109 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,197 What, Simon Foster? 110 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,117 Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer. 111 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,037 Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that. 112 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,991 - Aluminium foil... - Apropos of that... 113 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,953 ..gives you AlDS, or, you know, lasagne gives you syphilis. 114 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,548 - It's not a thing. - No, you relax! 115 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,159 God, who's that? 116 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,111 MALCOLM: Get me fucking Brian! 117 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,152 Ifyou don't get me fucking Brian, I'm gonna come over there. 118 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,316 I'm gonna lock you in a fucking flotation tank 119 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,635 and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown. 120 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,638 - Paris Hilton. - Are you serious? 121 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,193 - Lily Allen. - No, no women. 122 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,833 (phone rings) 123 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,757 - Yeah? - The Olsen twins. 124 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,314 - Thank you. - Who's that? 125 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,671 - Malcolm. He's coming to see you. - Oh, shit, he's still alive. 126 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,916 - When's he due? MALCOLM: Now! 127 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,713 And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead. 128 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,070 Give us a minute, could you, please, love? 129 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,909 In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, 130 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,349 unforeseeable, that's what you are. 131 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,436 WOMAN: Who's that geezer? 132 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:46,877 Oh, I know who he is. 133 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,230 You're Dan, right? 134 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,590 - Daniel? The new adviser? - Toby. 135 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,631 Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing. 136 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,593 You guys are often called "Dan" so it's worth a punt. 137 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,438 I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy. 138 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,233 Director of Communications for lnternational Development. 139 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:02,429 Is this a normal morning? 140 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,516 The minister was rubbish on last night's interview... 141 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,790 - He was rubbish? - Yes. Rubbish. 142 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,390 Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for... for a personal opinion. 143 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,671 Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. 144 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,951 If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PlN number 145 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,116 or to shit yourself, would you have done that? 146 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,754 Blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known. 147 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,029 Very good. 148 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,515 War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it? 149 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,677 That is not our line. Walk the fucking line. 150 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,792 We've got Karen Clark over from Washington today. 151 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,229 We've got enough fucking Pentagon goons here 152 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,793 to stage a fucking coup d'�tat. 153 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,070 - Minister. MALCOLM: Not the time, love. 154 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,031 - I'm busy. Fuck off. - This is Toby. 155 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,357 Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it. It's a bit of an odd morning here. 156 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,948 Welcome to the madhouse. I apologise for Malcolm. 157 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,674 Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself. 158 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,519 Did I not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here? 159 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,437 It's true, I am, yes, still here. 160 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,039 Hi, foetus boy, 161 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,674 Iesson one, I tell you to fuck off, what do you do? 162 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,631 Eff off? 163 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,591 You'll go far. 164 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,597 - Now, fuck off. - Right. 165 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:08,510 Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight. 166 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,915 You're not on Question Time. You've been disinvited. 167 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,589 - We've been prepping Question Time. - Why wasn't I told about this? 168 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,757 Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I told you to fuck off twice. 169 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,509 It's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state 170 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,517 so it falls well within my purview. 171 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,119 - Within your purview? - Yes. 172 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,676 Where do you think you are, some fucking Regency costume drama? 173 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,270 This is a government department, not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel. 174 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,198 SlMON: Malcolm... - Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet 175 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,392 on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock. 176 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,351 Your swearing does not impress me. 177 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,153 My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, 178 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,874 those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury. 179 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,638 She's married? Poor bastard. 180 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:52,038 Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock aside for a second, 181 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,755 are you saying I'm now no longer allowed to make media appearances? 182 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,599 Correct. Not until we can trust you to keep the line. 183 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,234 I was going to keep to the line. I was going to say, 184 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,669 I don't think war is unforeseeable... 185 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,598 - What is it, then? - I dunno. Foreseeable? No. 186 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,518 No! Not foreseeable. That's fucking declaring war. 187 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,437 Do you want to fucking declare war? 188 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,518 I'm a Cabinet minister. I didn't get here by screwing up 189 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,756 every media appearance I ever had. 190 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,758 Write this down. It's neither foreseeable nor unforeseeable. 191 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,633 Right, so not inevitable, but not... 192 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,751 You'd better walk on this fucking line. 193 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,279 ..evitable. 194 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,029 You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister 195 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,277 with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them. 196 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,231 I can't do that, can l? That's political. 197 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,432 Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? 198 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,120 Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford 199 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,516 and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. 200 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,189 Let them eat cock! Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it. 201 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,269 No, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians, 202 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,231 they're just happy to be there. 203 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,716 Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited. 204 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,513 Shall I just give Toby a call about this Simon Foster thing? 205 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,870 Yes, good idea. No, I'm not talking to you. 206 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,991 Get me the Angolan charg� d'affaires. 207 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,475 Yes, well stop him playing football. 208 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,794 Hello. 209 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:11,876 So, how's it going? Found the bogs? 210 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,831 It's a bit...manic. 211 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,033 Never like this at Agriculture. People tend not to get so sweary about wheat. 212 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,799 Sorry, Michael, do you mind just turning it down a bit? 213 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,310 (classical music) - Just a little bit...grating. Bloody music. 214 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,034 Listen, I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually. 215 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,517 Yeah. I think we can get Simon Foster into the three o'clock with Karen Clark. 216 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,278 TOBY: Karen Clark? 217 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,631 Was she the woman who went round Britain in a coracle for leukaemia? 218 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,718 No, Toby. Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of State. 219 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,593 Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great. 220 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,280 - Michael wants to say something. - Meat. 221 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,879 Meat? 222 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:51,039 His man is only going to be meat in the room. No talking. He's just padding. 223 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,958 The Americans don't feel like they're getting a proper meeting 224 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,514 unless there's 30 people on each side, 225 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,756 so he's basically like bulk in the room. 226 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,440 He's not exactly going to be relevant, but he 'll be present. 227 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,198 I won't tell him that, to be honest. 228 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,517 - OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you. - OK, yes, likewise. 229 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,232 Affirmative on that one. 230 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,555 All right, darling, take care, bye. 231 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,955 Can I turn it back up now? 232 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,878 You're on sexual health, aren't you? That's ironic. 233 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,831 Right, Toby, quick tour. 234 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,520 - I should probably just go and... - This is Mike. 235 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,279 Just leave it to Mike, cos he knows what he's doing. 236 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,231 - Don't you, Mike? - What? 237 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,715 Exactly. He's an idiot. 238 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,389 Listen, I understand your hostility at new wood being brought in. 239 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,636 Sorry, that's the end of the tour, I'm afraid. 240 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,719 There is really a lot of very important people that you ought to know about, 241 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,558 but I have to... 242 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,237 - Toby, hi. - All right, boss. 243 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,669 I'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm. 244 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,189 - He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he? - Yes. 245 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,117 Listen, 246 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,037 I was just um... 247 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,957 - Don't sit on Anna's desk. - Sorry. 248 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:02,757 I have managed to get you into the big Foreign Office meeting this afternoon. 249 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:05,394 The Karen Clark meeting? Really? Shit. 250 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:06,999 How did you do that? 251 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,588 I did it through sheer bloody hard work. 252 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,358 - Judy? - Yeah? 253 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,678 Tobes here has got me into the big Karen Clark meeting this afternoon. 254 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,074 JUDY: Oh! 255 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,031 The big "meat". 256 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,913 Impressive, eh? How are you spelling that, by the way? 257 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,837 Two "E"s. 258 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,109 Oh, right. 259 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,037 TOBY: Just one thing. 260 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:31,312 Talkingwise, you might find once we get in there, that the bulk of it... 261 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,431 - Can we just wait for Judy? - Of course. 262 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,516 Simon. 263 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:36,675 Michael, hi. 264 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,597 Hello. Welcome. 265 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,358 - Michael? - Yes. 266 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,916 I'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe formation for the meeting set-up. 267 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,350 An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave for the Pentagon delegation. 268 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,516 And, politely, we request the presence 269 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,029 of both carbonated and non-carbonated waters. 270 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,832 Right. 271 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,190 - Is that all? - Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much. 272 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,232 Not at all. Wow, who was that? Young Lankenstein? 273 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,993 He's probably running something relatively major. 274 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,951 They're all kids in Washington. 275 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,799 It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns. 276 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,832 (spoon tapping glass) 277 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,712 Thank you all for coming today 278 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,354 to the lnterim Anglo-American Resources Forum. 279 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,232 I'd particularly like to welcome... 280 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,271 What's your view like? 281 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,834 - Well, it's pretty basic. - OK, can we swap? 282 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,838 I don't want a consensus forming around the premise 283 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,556 that military action is necessarily the primary option at this point. 284 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,719 This paper which was authored by one of my aides, Liza Weld... 285 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,752 Liza, I hope you don't mind if I foreground this paper. 286 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,189 It's not strictly mypaper. 287 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,437 In the sense that you were the one who put in the requests... 288 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,870 Miss Weld is very, very modest, but this is her paper. 289 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,798 And she's highlighted several reasons 290 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,913 why we cannot envision a theatre deployment for at least 1 2 months. 291 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,430 Should I say something? She invited me. I should say something. 292 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,676 If you don't say something in the first ten minutes, 293 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,756 then you might as well not say anything at all. 294 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,836 I really think you shouldn't say anything. 295 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,236 - No, I should say something. - No, Simon, don't, just don't... 296 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,998 Don't pull my hand down. 297 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,873 The committee feels a quicker deployment is possible. 298 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,194 Ah, which committee? 299 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,550 It was discussed in a number of committees. 300 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,910 - If I mentioned one committee... - You did. 301 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,837 ..then it was a slip of the tongue. 302 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,509 What, because you've accidentally alluded to a secret committee, 303 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,119 a war committee? 304 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,789 If I may intercept. I understand we are rather pressed for time. 305 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,753 Liza, do you know if Linton has set up a secret war committee? 306 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,996 - No. I have no idea. - Get me on it. 307 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,271 I think it's worth noting that ministers in the UK government, 308 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,517 such as our colleague here, Simon Foster, 309 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:45,270 have made it very clear that they feel currently war is unforeseeable. 310 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,039 Isn't that right, Simon? 311 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,877 Er...well, yes. 312 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,275 That's... That's what I said. 313 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,789 And I stick to what I said. 314 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:03,188 That doesn't mean that what I said won't change...in the future. 315 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,117 Um...it's not immutable 316 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,071 or mutable. 317 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,077 It's... It's... It's... 318 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,031 It's a developing... 319 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,515 MlCHAEL: I think there are areas of mutual discussion 320 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,519 that we could come onto now, and then maybe if there's time left at the end... 321 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,632 Judy, can you just pass that on? Is that fine? 322 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,558 Yes, that's all fine, thank you. 323 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,997 Right, come here. We need to talk. What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?" 324 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,951 In what way was I being a tit? 325 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,832 Why am I even over here? 326 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,155 You were just meat in the room, Simon. 327 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,111 - Yeah... - Meat in the room? 328 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,037 Yeah. 329 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,436 For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken an hour out to come over here 330 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,152 and be room meat. 331 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,111 Yes, but... but a prime cut, 332 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,673 you know, not offal. 333 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,677 Oh, great. I'm not liver. 334 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,631 What was l, tit meat? 335 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,591 Well, no, I just... 336 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,917 SlMON: Come on. Let's get back. 337 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,837 - Hey, Liza. - Hey. 338 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,236 I just want to say congratulations. Your paper got a major citation. 339 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,828 You must be psyched that Karen brought it up. 340 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,838 Yeah, well, that was, you know, her call. Not mine. 341 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,075 You couldn't write a paper 342 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,272 that clashes more violently with the current climate if you were trying. 343 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,038 It seems like you almost were trying. 344 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,232 - I wasn't trying! Believe me. - You're like the woman in The Omen. 345 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,794 You've given birth to a demon and now it's gonna kill you. 346 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,559 You probably identify with the kid from The Omen. 347 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,989 See, you're an only child, aren't you? 348 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,917 I don't understand how my parents' 349 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,873 Iimited reproductive ability reflects badly on me. 350 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,956 I'm the sperm that made it, so... 351 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,036 - Liza. - I'm being called by our boss. 352 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,958 - OK, retreat. See you later. - Yeah, have fun with yourself. 353 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,116 Have fun with your career kryptonite. 354 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,799 What's going on down there? That looks important. 355 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,036 My teeth are killing me. Are they chipped? 356 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,515 I think that one has always been there, right? 357 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,029 It was a chip on the veneer. 358 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,357 - Don't look at my teeth for a long time. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 359 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,436 - It just surprised me. TOBY: Liza! 360 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,595 Toby. 361 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,836 Toby! Hi. 362 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,791 - Hi. - Give me a call! 363 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,309 - Yeah. - OK. 364 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,989 Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. 365 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,918 - I had a little thing for her at the time. - I can imagine, yeah. 366 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,031 Don't think she remembered me, to be honest. 367 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,390 That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol. 368 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,670 Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it. 369 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,837 I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. 370 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,313 - He is dangerous. - It's not good. 371 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,749 The voices in his head now sing barbershop together. 372 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,551 I really, really hope there isn't a war, it's going to be a nightmare. 373 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,240 It's bad enough having to cope with the fucking Olympics. 374 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,555 - Minister? - Just a quick word, sir? 375 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,399 This is your chance to nail the line. Do you want to nail the line? 376 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,829 No, I'll freestyle it. Hello, there. Hi. 377 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,871 So is war unforeseeable, Minister? 378 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,278 Look, all sorts of things, that are actually very likely 379 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,391 are also unforeseeable. 380 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:55,913 For the plane in the fog, the mountain is un... unforeseeable, 381 00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,079 but then it is suddenly very real and inevitable. 382 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,397 Is this your opinion or is this the government position? 383 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:04,999 The mountain in the metaphor is 384 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,271 a completely hypothetical mountain that could represent anything. 385 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,550 So, who is the plane, and who is the mountain? 386 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,148 - Is the government lost in the fog? - What I'm saying is... 387 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,191 that to walk the road of peace... 388 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:20,872 sometimes we need to be ready to climb...the mountain of conflict. 389 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,638 Thank you so much. 390 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,070 Thank you. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. 391 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,795 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why didn't we nail the line? 392 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,751 Simon, I did try to warn you. 393 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,758 Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you? 394 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,598 I can't tackle you to the ground. 395 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,030 That's like shouting "Train!" at somebody as they get hit by a train. 396 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,435 You should go "Train! There's a fucking train!" 397 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,232 (mobile rings) - Bollocks! 398 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,874 - Fuck, it's Malcolm. - It's Malcolm for me, too. 399 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,831 How does he do that? 400 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,873 Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government 401 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,116 via the news, unless they've just died. 402 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,389 Be here, now. 403 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,317 The British Government must be prepared 404 00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,839 to climb the mountain of conflict. 405 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,110 It's unclear if his view is shared by the Prime Minister. 406 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,073 TOBY: Maybe we should get it out there. 407 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,272 Float the idea that the war is a resigning issue for you. 408 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,437 You can't say it's a resigning issue, because then you have to resign. 409 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,518 You're having a really great first day, you know that? 410 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,200 You are supposed to be a Cabinet minister! 411 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,039 You are supposed to be Officer Class! 412 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,958 Don't do this, don't make fucking waves. 413 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,275 SlMON: We can do without the ritual humiliation. 414 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,152 You know I'm against talking up the war. 415 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,713 You're against talking up the war? 416 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,354 Is that why you said "climb the mountain of conflict"? 417 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,913 Do you know what you sounded like? 418 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,235 A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews. 419 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:39,559 I'm just saying I might be forced to the verge of making a stand. 420 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,636 A stand? 421 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,154 Right, The White Stripes, outside. 422 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,032 Uh-uh. 423 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,514 There's only two people in The White Stripes. 424 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,991 I um... 425 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,438 I admire you. 426 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,311 I really do, I admire you. 427 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,317 Making a stand. 428 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:12,070 So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you... you don't want to go to Washington? 429 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,316 - To where? - To Washington. 430 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,908 See, the PM, he wants you... Well, he wanted you 431 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,917 to go on a fact-finder, you know. 432 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,749 Problems we might have to face if it all goes boombastic in the Middle East. 433 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,518 Oh, right. 434 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,632 But, you know, that's you, you're on the verge, aren't you? 435 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,115 You're on the verge of your stand, so... 436 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,878 Well, Malcolm, come on, 437 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,912 I don't know what words I used in the heat of the moment. 438 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,271 Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the verge, but that's the important thing. 439 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,836 I'm on the verge. I'm not in any way decided. 440 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,520 Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse. 441 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,393 No, I'm standing my ground, on the verge. 442 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,670 Right, OK, well, when you go to America, 443 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,030 talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah? 444 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,072 - Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl. - Keep away from Linton Barwick. 445 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,031 He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. 446 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,675 I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. 447 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,438 That's a true story. 448 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,676 Wow, I won't talk to him. 449 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,076 Talk to as few people as possible, that would be best for you. 450 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,998 OK, Liza, the priorities are shower, get me on Linton's war committee 451 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,351 and get me to a dentist, not necessarily in that order. 452 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,152 Shower later. 453 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,510 What has Linton been up to while we've been gone? 454 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,596 Have we declared war on California yet? 455 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,278 Ah, Karen. 456 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,153 - How was London? Good meetings? - Very good meetings. 457 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,431 You know we had some great discussions there, I think our... 458 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,677 Thank you very much, and I will read your words when they come through. 459 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,631 Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob. 460 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,716 You won't read the words, Linton. 461 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,632 Is Chad coming? Chad? 462 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,832 No, he's probably doing his desperate chorus girl thing, 463 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,192 hanging around Linton's office, trying to catch an eye, you know. 464 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,392 That's why he's wearing his push-up bra today. Have you noticed? 465 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,239 - Assistant Secretary of State, hi. - Brad, how are you? 466 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,998 - Chad. - Yep, yep, yep, exactly. 467 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,918 - Can l...? - Yep, you betcha, OK. 468 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,631 Hey, listen, the war committee. 469 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,591 What you have to do is you've got to look for 470 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,917 the ten dullest-named committees happening out of the executive branch. 471 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,555 Because Linton is not going to call it the "Big Horrible War Committee". 472 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,752 He's gonna hide it behind a name like "Diverse Strategy". 473 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,678 Something so dull you're just gonna want to self-harm. 474 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,712 Get me General Miller at the Pentagon, please. 475 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,796 My teeth hurt. 476 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,990 My teeth hurt like hell. 477 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,120 I'm sick of hearing about the teeth, frankly. 478 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,039 Hi, yeah. I'm checking the status on a paper 479 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,832 that was circulated by a staffer here. 480 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,439 It's called... 481 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,758 "Post War Planning. Parameters, lmplications and Possibilities". 482 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:43,078 This is the one by... this is the one by Liza Weld, right? 483 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,191 "PWlP PlP"? 484 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,231 Oh, God, it already has an acronym. 485 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,828 You know another acronym? DOA... 486 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,190 Your career. 487 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:58,111 My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? 488 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,994 Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts. 489 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,917 I could request the glass be frosted. 490 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:05,792 Frosting is on cakes, huh? 491 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,753 Now, what else happened in London? 492 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,235 Ah, generally positive, two glitches... 493 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:12,839 Really, what? 494 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,394 Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. 495 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:20,230 She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWlP PlP. 496 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,590 - PWlP what? - PWlP PlP. 497 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,598 What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for? 498 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:29,076 I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention. 499 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,988 We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. 500 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,156 In the land of truth, my friend... 501 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,230 ..the man with one fact is the king. 502 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,113 You said there was something else, what is that? 503 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,310 In the meeting with the Foreign Office, 504 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,557 the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to. 505 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,238 Which committee? 506 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,430 The... The war committee, sir. 507 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,518 All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? 508 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,030 She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. 509 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,628 Get a hold of those minutes. I have to correct the record. 510 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,796 - We can do that? - Yes, we can. 511 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,036 Those minutes are an aide-m�moire for us. 512 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,711 They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, 513 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:12,628 but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. 514 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,558 I think that's the more accurate version, don't you? 515 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,193 - Sir. - Right. 516 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,754 I don't like this section, let's cut that. 517 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,677 Aye aye, sir. 518 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,119 Let's reverse this. 519 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,071 That was something Karen said, sir. 520 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,270 Well, it's not right, so let's change it. 521 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,073 - Aye, aye, sir. - And... And I like...I like this. 522 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,792 Ah, thank you, sir. 523 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,309 Yeah, let's say everyone agreed with that, huh? 524 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:38,592 So... So the car will pick you up from the airport. 525 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,870 It's supposed to be quite a good one, I believe. 526 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,753 The Americans are doing that. I've just got the contact numbers. 527 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,836 What's she so fucking happy about? 528 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,837 She's probably just on a personal call. 529 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,757 (Judy laughs) 530 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,030 Why has she got control of the blinds? 531 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,149 I think it's... 532 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,796 I'm a government minister and I don't have control of my own blinds. 533 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,959 I could order you some blinds. I could order you some nice, heavy curtains, 534 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,196 with swags and a pelmet maybe. 535 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,788 Yes, do that. 536 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,672 OK. 537 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,551 Will you come with me? 538 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,639 So, listen...my team for the US, Team Simon... 539 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,275 I'm thinking of taking you and leaving Judy. 540 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:28,838 I could work with that, definitely. 541 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,552 Plus, she can be a bit, you know... 542 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,114 "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?" Like that. 543 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,958 Yeah, it's true. No, she can be, 544 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:39,073 "Oh, so you're the President and I'm supposed to be impressed by that?" 545 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,078 "My husband works in Tower Hamlets. Meh, meh, meh." 546 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,430 "Which is much harder than being President." 547 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:48,109 Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it, she's staying here. Go and tell her. 548 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,753 What? 549 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,997 KAREN: Well, that moves us on to any other business. 550 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,510 I think I've flagged everything that I need to discuss, as I usually do. 551 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,517 Everything you're preparedto discuss. 552 00:24:58,640 --> 00:24:59,993 What is that? What are you doing? 553 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,669 I understand you've started a new committee, Linton. What is that called? 554 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,153 What makes you think that? 555 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,396 It was mentioned at our meeting in London. 556 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:08,794 Well, you must have misheard me. 557 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,150 No. I misheard the word "committee"? 558 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,157 Maybe it was another word. 559 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,077 Like, say, Khomeini. 560 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,431 - You're sitting on a new Khomeini? - Possibly. There are a lot of words. 561 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,516 Kansas City. Kitty. 562 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,232 - ltty. - "ltty?" 563 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,588 "ltty" is not a word, Bob. 564 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,234 - Commissary. - Thank you, James... 565 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,555 Why don't you just recap for me, at the moment, 566 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,910 all the committees that you're currently sitting on? 567 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,919 I'm sorry, Karen, but you... you appear to be bleeding from the teeth. 568 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,632 Let me see that. Holy Mother of... 569 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,149 Well, don't try to change the subject. 570 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,953 I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry. Just ignore the blood. 571 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,197 - We haven't finished the meeting. - I can't ignore...I'm sorry. 572 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,595 I don't mean to be rude, but this is a tad repulsive. 573 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,030 I'm sorry. Excuse me. Liza, come with me, I need you. 574 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,149 Chad, stay here. 575 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,874 Go, Buffy, you belong to the vampire queen now. 576 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,797 - Liza. - I'm coming. 577 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,673 Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone. 578 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,109 I cannot stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. 579 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,313 It reminds me of country and western music, which I cannot abide. Huh? 580 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,193 That stuff is just choking the airwaves. 581 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,550 - Look, sorry, we just need... - Oh, my God! 582 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,752 - It's really bad. It's really bad. - I can't touch anything... 583 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,440 - Nobody was joking. - It's... I need to catch it. 584 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,437 How far are you with the committees? 585 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,198 I've got it down to two, actually. 586 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,993 One is the "Aims and Policy Alignment Committee". 587 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,190 The other is the "Future Planning Committee". 588 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,629 It's not the first one, because I set that up. 589 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,957 Does it really sound dull to you? I thought it was a good name. 590 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,992 Right, no...it is a good name. 591 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:39,510 Well, find out if it really is the... "Future Planning Committee". 592 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,631 Find out if it really is that. 593 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,309 Um...OK, well, I might go and do that. 594 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,113 You're not going to shout at me if I go and do that, are you? 595 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,117 I'm not a monster, Liza. OK? 596 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,312 Will you stop implying that I'm some kind of monster? 597 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,312 Bob! 598 00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,237 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 599 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:03,069 I wanted to tell you we're having this stupid 600 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,510 "hunk of the month of the office" kind of contest. 601 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,349 And I just didn't want, you know, you to feel objectified in any way, 602 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,630 - or anything like that. - No, not at all. 603 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,274 And Karen knows about the Future Planning Committee. 604 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,556 I have no idea what you're talking about. 605 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,671 - No? - No. 606 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,472 Excuse me. 607 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,114 Future Planning Committee, that's what it is. 608 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,997 TOBY: Wow! 609 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,951 This is fucking cool. 610 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,878 Don't be callow, Toby, we're on official business. 611 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,434 - This way, gentlemen. - Oh, thanks. 612 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,315 That was a little bit fucking cool. 613 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:50,759 Yep. 614 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,348 - Did you book a car? - Me? No. 615 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,074 Well, Judy will have booked a car. 616 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,394 Judy? 617 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,715 - Hi. - For fuck's sake! 618 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,637 I was wondering what the car situation is? 619 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,638 It's Robbie's job to book it and your job to check it. 620 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:08,196 There's obviously... some snarl-up at her end, I think. 621 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,276 - "Simon Forester." - Oh. 622 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,079 Thank you very much. 623 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,998 "England Government, Simon Forester." 624 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,315 My name's Simon Foster, it's British Government. 625 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,396 (siren) 626 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,833 Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade. 627 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,313 Yeah. 628 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:29,793 I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? 629 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,876 I mean in here...now. 630 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:43,279 - Do you want girls? - No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. 631 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,153 No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. 632 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:51,274 I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you. 633 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,592 Strange hotel. 634 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,837 TOBY: It's like a hangar for businessmen, isn't it? 635 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:00,797 - That's better, isn't it? - It's big, yeah. 636 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:02,876 Just bring them here, that's fine. 637 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,440 Tobes, have you got any m... 638 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,796 Well, I haven't been to an ATM, so I've not... I've only got English. 639 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,990 I mean, I don't suppose English money is... 640 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,997 This and this, sorry that's... 641 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,076 TOBY: It's usually a dollar a bag. 642 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:24,717 Ooh, well, there's the Capitol, 643 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,229 you can see there through that window and that tree. 644 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:30,796 Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill view. 645 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:34,071 (classical music) 646 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:40,510 Hi. 647 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,596 Excuse me. 648 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:44,153 Hello. How are you doing? 649 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,589 Was it something I said? I haven't seen you in a month. 650 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,870 I haven't felt that in years. Thank you. 651 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,115 You're beautiful. 652 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:53,118 Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls. 653 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,391 Yes, I do... and some of the soldiers, too. 654 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,080 That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions. 655 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,839 Come on, don't believe that shit. I'm not gonna run for office. 656 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,235 I'm just trying to do something different. 657 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,998 It's one of the reasons I like you. 658 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:08,509 I know your passion about education and housing and... 659 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,074 - Lingerie. Bestiality. - There you go. 660 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,316 I'd forgotten about that. 661 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,590 Are you still allergic to the dog? 662 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,871 Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen 663 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,752 and I look like a giant ball sac. 664 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,518 Oh, my God. You know, 665 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,518 they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. 666 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,710 - Beautiful ball sac, though. - Thank you very much. 667 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:29,990 - How's the Pentagon? - It's kicked up a little. 668 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,509 They're talking invasion reasonably seriously. 669 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,756 Is there somewhere we can talk about this? 670 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,711 - I don't know. - There must be. 671 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,035 - I don't live here. - Follow me. 672 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,958 - Go that way. - Don't let people know we're leaving. 673 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,992 This is good. Her daughter's not home, I talked to her. 674 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:46,917 - In here? - Yeah. 675 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:50,749 Although, I don't know what we'll say if somebody comes in right now. 676 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,155 No, I can't think of a good possible excuse, no. 677 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:54,838 No, me neither, me neither. 678 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:56,552 - What? - Come here. 679 00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:58,591 Just be careful, don't mess stuff up. 680 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:02,030 - Oh, come on, it's toys. - Let's sit down. 681 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,116 - So... - Yeah. 682 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,752 Not enough troops. 683 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,996 Total minimum European Theatre requirement. 684 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,951 The Far East, Asia. 685 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:13,514 - OK. That's how many we have? - Total there, yes. 686 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,870 And then we have the contingency already deployed. 687 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,877 OK, I don't... You've lost me. 688 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,070 Hold on a minute... 689 00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,031 Oh, fuck this. 690 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,718 What? 691 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,198 TOY: * La la la, la la la la, la la la. 692 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:33,355 Good. 693 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,040 Your military hardware is impressive, General. 694 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,116 Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't. 695 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,879 - So, you add these together. (toy sound effects) 696 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:47,398 So this is the number of combat troops available for an invasion, 697 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:48,919 according to these figures. 698 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,519 TOY: 12! 699 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,198 Thousand? 700 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,117 No, 1 2. 1 2 troops. 701 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:56,753 Oh, come on, you're shitting me? 702 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:00,236 I am shitting you. 1 2,000 troops, 1 2,000 troops, 703 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,114 but that's not enough... that's the amount that are going to die. 704 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,834 And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really, 705 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,678 or else it looks like you've lost. 706 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,711 TOY: Bye, for now. 707 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,513 You know what? I've got some Brits I have to meet tomorrow. 708 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:16,198 A guy named Simon Foster. 709 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:17,958 Who's Simon Foster? 710 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,390 He's this guy that said publicly that war was unforeseeable. 711 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:24,239 And I think he could be very useful on the war committee. 712 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,920 He can internationalise the dissent, start to. 713 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,793 You're going to use him as a little meat puppet? 714 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:45,157 Tobes...hi. 715 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,077 Hi. 716 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,919 What are we gonna...do tonight? 717 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,672 Gonna do tonight? 718 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,509 Yes, what are we up to, my... my chief aide...? 719 00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,234 Well...yeah, I mean, I sort of thought tonight 720 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,113 we'd probably be just a bit tired, really. 721 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:06,677 No, I am tired. But I'm also a career politician, Toby, 722 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:10,270 in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours, 723 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:14,518 and I thought it might be nice to go out rather than just sitting in my room 724 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,074 trying to spank one out over a shark documentary, 725 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:18,792 because I'm scared if I watch a porno 726 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,151 it'll end up in the register of members' interests. So... 727 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:25,312 What have you got...for us to do? 728 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,159 Right, what have I got? Well, so far we've got... 729 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,078 Well, there's a leaflet through the door 730 00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:34,510 for happy hour at the bar which might be interesting. 731 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,590 Also I do have the number of a guy 732 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,315 I was at uni with who works for CNN out here. 733 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:43,396 - No. - No? 734 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,189 - Where are you? - I'm waving at you. 735 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:49,912 I don't see you, be more visible. 736 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:53,635 I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm coming to you, is what I'm going to do. 737 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:55,876 You can stop talking on your cellphone now. 738 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:57,638 Of course I can. 739 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,274 Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon Foster's guy. 740 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,311 Tell them, come to the war committee. 741 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,000 I'll give them some face time tomorrow around ten o'clock. 742 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:08,157 It'll be coffee and Danish. Tea. They'll want tea. 743 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,919 Tea and sympathy, tea and a hand job, whatever. 744 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,432 ..great deal that is unknown about hammerhead sharks, 745 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:16,834 such as their mating habits. 746 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,235 You can definitely spot the female ones. 747 00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:21,389 Hello. 748 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,557 Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight? 749 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,433 Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic. Actually we're... 750 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,516 Their courtship is a violent affair. 751 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:32,871 The male will bite the female until she acquiesces. 752 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,753 The war committee, that's a big thing, Liza. 753 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,838 Yeah, well, I have been on committees before, 754 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:42,509 the Challenges For The Cheese Market, that was one of the big ones. 755 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:44,995 Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink. 756 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,315 40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah. 757 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,795 Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye. 758 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,991 - Matty, how's CNN? - Great. 759 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,758 I can't, mate, no. 760 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:59,395 Liza Weld has got us onto the Future Planning Committee in the morning. 761 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:01,909 The "war committee" to the likes of you and me. 762 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:03,632 What are you talking about? 763 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,957 The Future Planning Committee is Linton's war committee. 764 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:10,311 Do you not work for CN N or is it the Cartoon News Network? 765 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,271 (knocking at door) 766 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,356 (continued knocking) 767 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,514 Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. 768 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,029 Physically here. Obviously you're always in my heart. 769 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,118 I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere, I'm the egg man. 770 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:26,515 Have you come to insult me in a different time zone? 771 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:30,155 Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out for a drink with her just now. 772 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,192 No. You're barking up the wrong cock there, my friend. 773 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,959 Little Toby is staying very much in his hammock this evening. 774 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:37,991 - Simon, I've got us on the... - Hiya. 775 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,076 Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm. 776 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,589 You're supposed to shit yourself in there, not out here. 777 00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:46,952 I've got us on Linton's Future Planning Committee for tomorrow morning. 778 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,275 Brilliant. What is that? 779 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,197 It's the war committee. 780 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,993 What? The actual war... the actual war committee? 781 00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:57,510 - Who's going to be there? - Karen Clark, Liza Weld, 782 00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:59,437 me and Simon... 783 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:01,357 Simon and me. 784 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,074 How about the rest of the committee, who are they going to be? 785 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,509 Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow? It's a diversion. 786 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,154 The real committee, that's happening at the White House. 787 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:11,589 I'll text you the details, because I'm going to go out 788 00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:14,154 for a drink with some State Department bods just now. 789 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,238 Don't mention this to the press, OK? Don't mention it to anyone. 790 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,079 If the press get a whiff that there's a war committee 791 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,316 even a cardboard one, every fucker in this town 792 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,237 is gonna turn up and try and get on it. 793 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,113 So no matter what gay bar you end up in, keep it shtoom. 794 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:30,952 SlMON: I was watching that. 795 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,230 Yeah, well, I have to have a word with you. 796 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,590 You might want to slip into your negligee. 797 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,516 (heavy rock music) 798 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:43,750 - You see this mosh pit? - Yeah. 799 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,270 Well, they're mostly house staffers, senators' interns. 800 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:50,597 Tonight they rage hard, but tomorrow they go back to the Hill 801 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,678 and argue noise-reduction legislation. 802 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,673 - Is this yours or mine? - I don't know, I've got three. 803 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:00,711 So one of these has got to be yours. 804 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,957 Those are like fluids that I've never... would you call wax a fluid? 805 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:05,991 No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a... 806 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,839 - It's very intimate. - It's an ooze...it's an ooze. 807 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,916 Ooo...eugh! 808 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,159 Karen will want you to say "War is unforeseeable." 809 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,955 And Linton will want you to talk up the "climbing the mountain of conflict" line. 810 00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:24,911 You say nothing, OK? 811 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:28,589 You stay detached, otherwise that's what I will do to your retinas. 812 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:30,551 Right. Can I go to bed now, please? 813 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,636 No, no, no, no. We're going to stay here 814 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,149 and you are going to rehearse saying nothing. 815 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:37,838 Am I being tortured? 816 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:40,918 TOBY: You look worried. 817 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:44,157 It's the paper that I wrote for Karen. 818 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:47,158 It's called PWlP PlP, it's about war. 819 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:50,352 The pros and cons, and I came up with too many cons. 820 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,948 I'm, like, fucking worried because... 821 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:56,231 this is, like, my career on the line. 822 00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,431 I thought you were worried, because you were looking worried. 823 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,519 But you know, don't... I mean, don't... don't worry. 824 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,197 - Thank you. - OK. 825 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,276 - Sure. - Thank you. 826 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,671 LlZA: God damn it! 827 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,192 TOBY: Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes. 828 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:20,197 Why is that? Is it a mosque? 829 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,151 It's just, like... 830 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,077 Is it... Is it a bouncy castle? 831 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:26,156 (laughter) 832 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,072 (kissing) 833 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:34,270 Can I just say, what happens in Washington, 834 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,356 stays in Washington, yeah? 835 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:41,552 Well, I live in Washington, so that doesn't, like, really work for me. 836 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:43,599 TOBY: Yeah? 837 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:01,838 A number for a cab company in Washington DC, please. 838 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:06,511 Just straight through, straight through. Hi, I need a cab. 839 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:12,993 Well, I don't know. I'm outside number 1 427, moving on... 840 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,588 I don't know, it's a nice street, it's quite leafy, 841 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:17,676 federal houses. 842 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:24,798 Marcel's is nice. 843 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,512 I like their wraps. 844 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,950 And you should go to La Taverna, the Greek place, that's fantastic. 845 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:32,116 They do that thing where they set fire to the cheese. 846 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,912 What's that called? It's a lot of fun. 847 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,110 Yes, it sounds fun. 848 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:43,991 And, well, there's the Aerospace Museum and the National Gallery. 849 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,076 Do they set fire to the pictures? 850 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,511 Yeah. 851 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:57,192 Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting. One or two issues getting here, but... 852 00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,276 - I'm Karen. - Hi. Toby. 853 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:00,879 Pull an all-nighter? 854 00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,229 - Well, l... I was led astray. - Oh. By who? 855 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:11,638 I... I just ran into some people from the MoD and... 856 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:13,512 Not Penny Grayling? 857 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,278 No. 858 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:18,153 Another...gang. 859 00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:21,033 Wow, I didn't realise we had so many delegations in town. 860 00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:23,754 No, well..."The British are coming!" 861 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,112 So... 862 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,676 Yeah, you know what? I have a lot of things to check on just now. 863 00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:38,156 So this would probably be a good place to break things up. 864 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,429 No problem. 865 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:40,629 Brilliant. 866 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,318 Bye. 867 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:47,430 I've brought your bag for you. 868 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:49,559 Cheers, man. 869 00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,558 Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act here, 870 00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:56,070 but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. 871 00:40:56,200 --> 00:41:00,955 Like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, 872 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:05,676 and then burst in late smelling like a pissed seaside donkey. 873 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,074 (lamely): "The British are coming." 874 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,760 All right, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry, 875 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:14,348 but it's not like I threw up in there, is it? 876 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,436 No, you're right, I'm being unfair. 877 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,918 I should be thanking you for not throwing up. 878 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,510 Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? 879 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,189 You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. 880 00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,993 You didn't pull your dick out and start plucking it 881 00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,429 and shouting, "Willy banjo." 882 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,676 No, I'm being really unfair. 883 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:38,634 You'd got so much right without actually being there 884 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:42,309 for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. 885 00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:46,033 Thanks, you're a legend. 886 00:41:52,240 --> 00:41:55,835 That was just the beginning, do you think? Are we going back in there? 887 00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:57,518 I don't know, we barely said hello. 888 00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:59,358 I've had muggings that lasted longer. 889 00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:01,675 All we talked about was flammable cheese. 890 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,839 TOBY: What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back, 891 00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,791 and then we're still sitting here? 892 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:11,754 It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies. 893 00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:13,518 What if the meeting hasn't finished? 894 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:15,437 And she comes back and we've disappeared? 895 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:17,312 Maybe I could call Judy? She could... 896 00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,876 Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? 897 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:21,830 Fine. 898 00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:28,718 I think we've drawn long enough from that...teat. 899 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:34,508 Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble in the building is not imported. 900 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:36,551 - Really? - It's really interesting... 901 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,319 - If you study the stonework... - Not at the moment. 902 00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,317 So, you made it in OK, right? 903 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,829 Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can I get a coffee? 904 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:45,632 Sure, sure. 905 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:49,469 If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly. 906 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,437 Your assistant? 907 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,949 Yeah. So, item. 908 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,311 We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, 909 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,795 the bumps in the road ahead and what not. 910 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:05,357 I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... is this it? 911 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:07,675 No offence, son, but you look like you should still be 912 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,950 at school with your head down a fucking toilet. 913 00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:13,675 Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. 914 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,395 Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... 915 00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:20,193 if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait. 916 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,151 Don't get sarcastic with me, son. 917 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:25,158 We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1 81 4. 918 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:29,239 And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. 919 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,112 You get sarcastic with me again 920 00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:33,913 and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat 921 00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,600 it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. 922 00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:40,349 I was led to believe I was attending the war committee. 923 00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,711 Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you 924 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:46,149 on the work of the Future Planning Committee. 925 00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,111 I'm away. 926 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:50,515 And here we are. The fucking Vice President 927 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,551 has also graced us with his presence. 928 00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:54,636 Give him a bottle of milk. 929 00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,557 You didn't wake me up. 930 00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:59,717 The thought crossed my mind, but you just looked so sweet there. 931 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,637 You know, with the jet lag and all. 932 00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:04,149 I don't know, I thought you knew what you were doing. 933 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,113 Well, no. Obviously I didn't know what I was doing, I was asleep. 934 00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:10,038 That's how people walk through windows, that's how that happens. 935 00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,116 Hey, Liza? I've got another call 936 00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:15,232 for you about the committee from Senator Crudden's office. 937 00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,316 Crudden? What is going on? 938 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:19,590 I mean, how did CNN know about the committee? 939 00:44:19,720 --> 00:44:23,349 Did Linton post, like, an invite on Facebook or something? 940 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,950 Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know. 941 00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:28,877 I'm about to run off another ten copies. 942 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,798 - Just stop. - It's like a Harry Potter book, 943 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,639 if Harry Potter made people really, really angry. 944 00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:37,274 You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. 945 00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,960 Do you smell lobster? Because I smell lobster. 946 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:43,152 Strong...bisque wafting this way. 947 00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:45,157 How far would you go with Linton? 948 00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,111 You freaky little stalker. 949 00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:50,312 Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain? 950 00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:52,715 Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque. 951 00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,398 (mobile rings) 952 00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:03,034 Where's the war committee? I thought I was going. 953 00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,993 Simon's going. I thought you were doing your one-to-one? 954 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:07,599 Where the fuck is it happening? 955 00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:10,359 It's in the State Department on the seventh floor. 956 00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:12,232 - Malcolm? - What? 957 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:15,875 Do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are? 958 00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:18,514 Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. 959 00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:21,234 A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cowbag is about 960 00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:23,112 to discover that she's out of a fucking... 961 00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:27,074 job. Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking... 962 00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:29,509 Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right? 963 00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,359 Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck. 964 00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,514 - There's the grenade. - I know, I'm looking at it. 965 00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:40,916 He's got "Climb the mountain of conflict" on his picture. 966 00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:42,996 TOBY: He's picked up on that? 967 00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,996 I'm a bumper sticker. 968 00:45:46,120 --> 00:45:47,997 Shit, there's Karen Clark. 969 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:49,838 Have a meeting, have a meeting. 970 00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,990 What about the dialectic, as it spreads across the different territories? 971 00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:59,076 - lnteresting dialectic... - Oh, hi. 972 00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:01,509 Hi. I'll see you at the committee. 973 00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,676 We're just sorting out a bit of prep... 974 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:05,995 Very good, that's great. 975 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,157 - Liza. They're still here. - I know. I told them where it was. 976 00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:10,793 OK, let's go, let's go. Come on. 977 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,832 Quick, we've got to keep up with them, now. Let's roll. 978 00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:16,838 No, you can't say "let's roll", they don't like it here. 979 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,669 That's just who asked to be in on the committee, it's crazy. 980 00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:23,268 - Yeah. - Hello. 981 00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:26,312 Are you joining us or shall we see you there? 982 00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:28,158 Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there. 983 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:30,953 I don't need to do any of the things 984 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,833 that you need to go in there to do, so I'll just see you there. 985 00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:35,916 - Toby, do you need to use the...? - No, no, no. 986 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,838 - I don't need the restroom. - All right, OK. 987 00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:41,791 Yeah, they're insane. 988 00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:43,751 Where is it? 989 00:46:43,880 --> 00:46:45,711 I don't know. We can wait here. 990 00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,196 Wait round here. When they come out, we'll follow them again. 991 00:46:56,880 --> 00:46:58,632 Plenty of room down the back. 992 00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:03,231 We seem to be overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh? 993 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:05,794 BOB: There must have been a leak. - Really, no kidding? 994 00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:09,754 - Unbelievable! - Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring? 995 00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:11,279 There's General Miller. 996 00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:15,598 I think it's best that we move, reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue. 997 00:47:15,720 --> 00:47:17,995 - If you follow my lead... - Take an agenda. 998 00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,554 Please take an agenda, we want to stick to that. 999 00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:24,559 KAREN: This is a cluster fuck. How did CNN know about this? 1000 00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:27,752 - Hold onto that one! - Could you get Miller to sign it? 1001 00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:30,838 If we could do this with a certain amount of energy. 1002 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,791 Just this way, folks. 1003 00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,876 Moo! 1004 00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:42,950 Find a chair, wherever you're comfortable. 1005 00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:44,513 More this way. 1006 00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:46,995 Excellent. I'm room meat again. 1007 00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:50,829 This is a massive abattoir of room meat. 1008 00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:54,508 Just so you know, Karen and I did not appreciate 1009 00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:56,756 having to skulk around like Mulder and Scully 1010 00:47:56,880 --> 00:47:58,518 to find out about the committee. 1011 00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:01,677 Well, you're both here now, huh, John and Yoko? 1012 00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:03,358 We need to talk. 1013 00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:06,233 How about my office, 1 2:30 tomorrow, huh? 1014 00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:07,759 OK, off you go. 1015 00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,155 - What do you mean? - I've got this covered. 1016 00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:13,670 Go and find the next thing. Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from The Shining. 1017 00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:15,119 He knows things. 1018 00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:18,152 - Don't make me pump Chad. - No, I'm making you pump Chad. 1019 00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:20,635 Go on, it'll be easy-peasey lemon-squeezy. 1020 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:25,276 No, it won't. It'll be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult, that is what it'll be. 1021 00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:27,595 Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me. 1022 00:48:27,720 --> 00:48:31,508 So, welcome to the somewhat engorged 1023 00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:34,632 session of the Future Planning Committee. 1024 00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:37,354 KAREN: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, 1025 00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:41,029 it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading 1026 00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:45,790 and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? 1027 00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:48,593 I mean, this is, after all, the war committee. 1028 00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:51,109 This is the Future Planning Committee. 1029 00:48:51,240 --> 00:48:54,152 Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee. 1030 00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,636 Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. 1031 00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:02,311 I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. 1032 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:05,512 And this is the Future Planning Committee. 1033 00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:08,393 Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit. 1034 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,515 Hey. 1035 00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:14,790 - What's all this? - "Climb the mountain of conflict!" 1036 00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:17,514 We're just choosing a font for what looks appropriate. 1037 00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:19,392 What about that font the SS used? 1038 00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:21,511 Have you thought about using that one? 1039 00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:23,756 Er...well, that obviously has bad connotations. 1040 00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:25,677 Heavy metal? 1041 00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:27,597 - No, the SS. - Oh, right. 1042 00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:37,036 Has a decision already been made, in principle, to advocate invasion? 1043 00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:39,310 I would refer you to the recent comments 1044 00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:44,150 of our colleague from the UK, Mr Simon Foster, in that regard. 1045 00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:48,717 Yes, I think that Mr Foster would have something to say to that. 1046 00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:51,993 I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides. 1047 00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:57,831 In England we have a saying for a situation such as this,