1 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,007 Let's go! Move it! 2 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,071 50 more yards! 3 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,548 All right, let's go! Pick it up! 4 00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,050 - Let's go! - Yes, sir! 5 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:28,814 You're running out of time, Bryant! 6 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,685 Make it all the way around the track! Come on! 7 00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:32,621 You want to be troopers? You better move it! 8 00:01:32,725 --> 00:01:34,215 All right, next, get up here! 9 00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:35,726 Let's hit it now. 10 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:36,955 Dean, come on! 11 00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:40,191 All right. You've all completed the written exam. 12 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,860 However, you must now pass the obstacle course 13 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,495 to be admitted into the training program. 14 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,439 And remember, survive this, 15 00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:52,511 and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe. 16 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:29,639 Yeah. 17 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:53,795 Sorry about the test, Dad. 18 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:57,968 We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart. 19 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,272 Mine is named hypoglycemia. 20 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:03,781 Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby. 21 00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,783 Are you gonna have pie? 22 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,455 Not tonight, Ma. 23 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,788 I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie. 24 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:17,188 You... 25 00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:21,199 No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now. 26 00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:24,426 - Okay. - You said it, 27 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,995 and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now, 28 00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:31,167 and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go. 29 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,506 It really helps heal. 30 00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:37,515 And, you know, not always, but sometimes, 31 00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:41,144 you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever." 32 00:03:41,254 --> 00:03:42,380 Kids don't talk like that. 33 00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:44,718 Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay? 34 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:47,224 I hear them in the mall. You know? 35 00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,318 Peanut butter. 36 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:53,992 It just fills the cracks of the heart. 37 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:57,967 Go away, pain. 38 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,467 - What? - Paulie. 39 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,602 Oh, no. Come on, Ma. 40 00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,442 I'm not ready for this right now. 41 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:09,776 - Dad. - Please. 42 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:13,818 We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone. 43 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,547 But I'm not alone. 44 00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:17,520 I've got you two. You know? 45 00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,252 And besides, Black Friday's coming, 46 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,851 so my dance card's gonna be pretty full. 47 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:25,760 What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year. 48 00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:28,299 Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians. 49 00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,461 I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming." 50 00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:33,334 "Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming. 51 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,463 "Why do you think I've been walking around here 52 00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:35,768 "with the eyes of an eagle?" 53 00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:38,309 - We prepare. - Dad, what does all that have to do 54 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,504 with being happy for the rest of your life? 55 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:45,277 You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November, 56 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:48,650 "I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com." 57 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,451 That was last year. 58 00:04:58,164 --> 00:04:59,222 Okay. 59 00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:02,994 - Here we are. - Okay. 60 00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,662 "What are you looking for in a woman?" 61 00:05:05,772 --> 00:05:08,832 Well, your mother certainly had something special. 62 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,542 Yeah, illegal immigrant status. 63 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,206 She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us. 64 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,250 That's not entirely true. 65 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:22,344 We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me. 66 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,685 - Well, I hate her. - Well, you shouldn't. 67 00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,383 She gave me you. 68 00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:30,721 - I am pretty great. - You are. You are. 69 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,891 Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself." 70 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,464 Let's see. 71 00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:37,934 I know a lot about sharks. 72 00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,164 Let me stop you right there. 73 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:46,871 Well-built and a great hugger. 74 00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:48,446 Awesome, Grandma. 75 00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,709 Not as awesome as this. 76 00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,079 What are you doing? 77 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:56,519 Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back. 78 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:57,953 Ma, no. 79 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:19,835 I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"? 80 00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:22,414 Well, that is exactly what we want. 81 00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:23,982 Eyes on the prize. 82 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:27,246 And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts. 83 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,309 Dear God! 84 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,048 Hey! Back away from the vehicle. 85 00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:04,485 Oh, dear God. Please. 86 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,586 Chompers, get down! 87 00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:29,409 Hey, you know where a men's room is? 88 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,415 I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor. 89 00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,451 They got 12 stalls and heated seats. 90 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,091 Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids! 91 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:43,257 Okay, my lip is numb. 92 00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:49,999 All righty. 93 00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,936 - There you go. - Thank you. 94 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:25,628 Hey. 95 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:28,739 Yeah, I know. 96 00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:36,005 That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan. 97 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:40,912 ... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board... 98 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,655 He keeps the play alive. 99 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,012 - Paul! - Hey. 100 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,411 What is this? 101 00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:11,813 That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's 102 00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:13,476 down through the specialty shops. 103 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:16,646 - How's that working out for you? - Actually, it's for all of us. 104 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,156 You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court, 105 00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:22,227 it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration. 106 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:25,354 It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario. 107 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,427 - Can I ask you something? - Anything. 108 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:33,835 Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us? 109 00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,933 Safety never takes a holiday. 110 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,136 Did your mom crochet that on a pillow? 111 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,371 Blart. 112 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,016 This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today. 113 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:48,382 Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran. 114 00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:50,717 Wow. Veck Sims. 115 00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:55,317 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up. 116 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,095 Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. 117 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,471 That's it. Treat her gentle, son. 118 00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:10,838 Slap it, honor it. 119 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,346 So what made you want to pursue security? 120 00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:24,281 I never finished high school. This is all I could get. 121 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,881 Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself. 122 00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:30,121 Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia. 123 00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:39,604 Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack. 124 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:42,105 My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears. 125 00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:46,144 They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard. 126 00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:47,803 I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard. 127 00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:49,847 My uncle can. Stay snug. 128 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,509 Now, in the event that you approach an assailant, 129 00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:56,452 here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up, 130 00:10:56,555 --> 00:11:01,219 left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly, 131 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:05,423 giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know 132 00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:06,828 you don't. 133 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,191 Okay? But you know what we do have? 134 00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,833 Our voices! We have our voices. 135 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:16,267 If you remember one thing from today, it's this. 136 00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:20,971 The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster. 137 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,409 Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch? 138 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,680 Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time, 139 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,982 five minutes to get refocused. 140 00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:39,426 We got a high roller. 141 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,070 Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right. 142 00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:48,606 Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic. 143 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,838 Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic. 144 00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:54,003 Sir. 145 00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,246 Thank you. 146 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,460 Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir. 147 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,999 You're kidding. 148 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,763 I don't joke about shopper safety. 149 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,462 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation. 150 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,541 Gonna need your first and last. Last first. 151 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,635 Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir. 152 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:29,073 Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay? 153 00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:32,673 Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir. 154 00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,818 You're pushing it. 155 00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,920 Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir. 156 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:46,424 Sir. Sir. Sir. 157 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:50,993 Okay. 158 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:55,505 This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back. 159 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,268 - Hey. - Hi. Do you need something? 160 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,839 Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall. 161 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,169 Well, thank you. 162 00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:45,022 Is there something else? 163 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:47,214 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 164 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,386 Just looking for some hair extensions. 165 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,590 Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men? 166 00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:57,869 Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men? 167 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,939 Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan? 168 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,302 I don't think so. Which one? 169 00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:07,072 Well, that one. That one right there. 170 00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:11,442 Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me. 171 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,745 - Oh, wow. Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Never better. 172 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,616 Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good. 173 00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:17,086 Yeah. 174 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,453 You know what you should do? You should get the security tape, 175 00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:23,085 and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff. 176 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:25,959 - Hello, early retirement. - Yeah, right? 177 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,058 Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got. 178 00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:39,505 Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks. 179 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,711 Who is this? 180 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:47,444 It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5. 181 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:50,146 What the hell are you bothering me for? 182 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,416 - Just a Code B check. - What a moron. 183 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,388 You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense. 184 00:14:57,496 --> 00:15:00,329 Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard. 185 00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:05,528 - What, what? - No, it's just that you said security guard, 186 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,037 and it's perfectly acceptable... 187 00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:08,834 I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing. 188 00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:10,602 No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know? 189 00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,939 It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy 190 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,272 brewing in the industry right now, 191 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,905 whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer. 192 00:15:17,016 --> 00:15:19,143 I'm sure you heard about it. 193 00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,515 - I didn't. - You will. You're gonna. 194 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,350 - But I'm sure I will. - It's out there. 195 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,894 So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year? 196 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:33,021 Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday. 197 00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:36,590 This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card. 198 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:38,863 Everyone's too busy shopping. 199 00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,164 You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash. 200 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,571 - Yeah. - I think that's your color. 201 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,270 - I think this'll work. - It's a winner. 202 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,808 - So that's $9.95. - $9.95? 203 00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,439 - Yeah. - Wow. 204 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:54,747 At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail. 205 00:15:55,754 --> 00:15:57,551 All right. Thank you. 206 00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,554 Thank you. 207 00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:03,186 - Right. So there you go. - Okay. 208 00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:04,387 And, there you go. 209 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,928 Thank you, Amy. 210 00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,898 Thank you, Officer Blart. 211 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,629 Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt. 212 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,640 You went with a medium? 213 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:18,799 It's a bit formfitting, 214 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,379 but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our... 215 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,107 No. Not buying it. No. 216 00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:25,240 'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so... 217 00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:27,876 No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear. 218 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,217 Nope. Nope. No. 219 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,319 I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat. 220 00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:36,018 I'm not laughing. 221 00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:41,932 Yeah, whatever. Amy. 222 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:45,094 Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there. 223 00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:47,399 Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings. 224 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,371 Wow. Wow. 225 00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,133 Good. 226 00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:53,541 Good hang. 227 00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:57,241 Wow, yeah. That's great. 228 00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:01,117 Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret. 229 00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:04,313 Okay, roger that. 230 00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:09,950 Okay, I gotta go. 231 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,586 Okay. Bye. 232 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,567 - I found it first. - No, you didn't. 233 00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:25,939 Ladies. Problem. 234 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,672 What's the genesis? 235 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,943 She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size. 236 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,780 There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon. 237 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,717 Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight. 238 00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:37,812 Really? Is he blind? 239 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,723 Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. 240 00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:43,055 Not my first rodeo. 241 00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:45,653 Okay, ladies, need to see some ID. 242 00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:47,231 No, you don't. 243 00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:53,063 Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest. 244 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,106 So does anyone. I could arrest you right now. 245 00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:58,768 - That's true. She could. - Hey, not talking to you. Okay? 246 00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:03,143 Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am? 247 00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:16,426 Look, I understand your sensitivity. 248 00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:19,463 I've had some issues with weight myself. 249 00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,730 - Are you calling me fat? - No. No, no, no, no. 250 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,428 I'm just saying I've been down that road. 251 00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:29,871 I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. 252 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:33,502 Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? 253 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,945 But as soon as I started eating healthier, 254 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,244 I noticed I wasn't so moody. 255 00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:41,911 And PS, your skin's gonna clear up. 256 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,514 - Can you hold onto these? - Sure. 257 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:49,753 Ma'am. 258 00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:03,333 You... 259 00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:08,708 She's got tremendous upper body strength. 260 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,379 Backup! Backup! 261 00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:15,919 She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. 262 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,149 Backup! 263 00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:24,627 Backup! Backup! 264 00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:30,965 Look, I know you're new here and all, 265 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:34,630 but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term. 266 00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,479 Hey. Can I give you a lift? 267 00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:51,913 What, on that? 268 00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:54,212 With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no, 269 00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:57,379 but with me, you'll be as safe as the President. 270 00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:02,349 I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired? 271 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:03,985 Yes, it could. 272 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,489 Okay. 273 00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:21,009 - Is this all right? - Absolutely. 274 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:28,044 And here you go. Safe and sound. 275 00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:33,106 - '65 Mustang. - Yeah. 276 00:22:33,218 --> 00:22:37,120 Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse. 277 00:22:37,222 --> 00:22:39,884 It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang. 278 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,822 - That's a plane. - I didn't know that. 279 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,523 Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun. 280 00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:50,965 No problem. 281 00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:56,267 Listen, 282 00:22:57,309 --> 00:23:00,369 if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere, 283 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,905 Dispatch, they can get me. You know. 284 00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:06,745 - Or we could just text each other. - Yeah. 285 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:10,043 - Yeah, give me your cell phone. - My cell? 286 00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:12,555 Yeah, and I'll punch my number in. 287 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:18,158 Left it in the casuals. You know what? 288 00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:20,288 Just give me your number and I'll remember it. 289 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,765 - Okay. Ready? - Yep. 290 00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:25,336 - All right. 555... - Not yet. Just... 291 00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,062 Now I'm ready. 292 00:23:27,172 --> 00:23:28,696 - 555... - 555... 293 00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:30,001 ...01... ...01... 294 00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:31,575 ...78. - Eight. Got it. 295 00:23:31,676 --> 00:23:32,802 That's it. It's locked. 296 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:36,176 Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right? 297 00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:39,148 Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so... 298 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,048 - Yeah. ...why not me, too? I'll be... 299 00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:42,245 Yeah, I'm there. 300 00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:44,618 - Great. Bye. - Okay. Bye. 301 00:24:49,387 --> 00:24:51,480 - Hey. - Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul. 302 00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:53,148 Good to be here. 303 00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:55,726 - Fun fact for you... - This place sucks. 304 00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:58,591 - You want to get out of here? - No. 305 00:24:58,697 --> 00:25:00,358 I'm sorry, what were you saying? 306 00:25:00,465 --> 00:25:02,330 No, I was just saying that 307 00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:06,803 the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972. 308 00:25:06,905 --> 00:25:10,238 And most people, because of its service and theme, 309 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:14,403 think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not. 310 00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:16,344 It's its own thing. 311 00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:20,511 You really know a lot of facts, Paul. 312 00:25:20,619 --> 00:25:24,453 Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret. 313 00:25:24,556 --> 00:25:26,421 Well, I don't hit women, 314 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,983 - so I don't even know what... - Yeah. Just minivans, right? 315 00:25:31,329 --> 00:25:35,698 Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks? 316 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,327 - I'll meet you over there. - Okay. Does anybody else want a drink? 317 00:25:39,437 --> 00:25:41,735 - 'Cause Stuart's buying. - No, no, no. They're good. They're good. 318 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,775 - So... They're good. - Okay. 319 00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:53,950 Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so... 320 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,917 I wasn't... I didn't even realize that. 321 00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:57,215 - And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything. - Yeah. 322 00:25:57,322 --> 00:25:58,687 I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight. 323 00:25:58,790 --> 00:25:59,848 - Okay? - I got it. 324 00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:03,155 I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay? 325 00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:06,128 Security guard? Really. 326 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,165 But you're a pen salesman, dude. 327 00:26:08,266 --> 00:26:11,497 Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me. 328 00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:14,965 All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun. 329 00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:16,438 Okay, bro. 330 00:26:19,644 --> 00:26:20,736 What? 331 00:26:23,548 --> 00:26:26,346 Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother. 332 00:26:26,451 --> 00:26:29,648 Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go. 333 00:26:33,024 --> 00:26:34,753 - Round six. - Let's do this thing. 334 00:26:34,859 --> 00:26:36,156 - Gentlemen ready? - No. 335 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,888 Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay. 336 00:26:37,996 --> 00:26:39,657 And, go! 337 00:26:45,036 --> 00:26:47,231 Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew. 338 00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:48,499 I know. 339 00:26:49,307 --> 00:26:51,707 Told you, boy. You better hurry up. 340 00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:53,243 There you go. Nachos in my face. 341 00:26:53,345 --> 00:26:56,405 Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot. 342 00:26:58,083 --> 00:27:00,608 Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper. 343 00:27:01,486 --> 00:27:03,249 Nachos are good, man. 344 00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:08,155 Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone. 345 00:27:09,494 --> 00:27:11,394 You're lagging behind. 346 00:27:11,997 --> 00:27:13,965 Come on, Paul. Playing games. 347 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,627 I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much. 348 00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,598 - That lemonade is insane. - Yeah, Paul. 349 00:27:23,708 --> 00:27:27,166 - That's because it's a margarita. - No. I don't drink. 350 00:28:01,112 --> 00:28:02,739 Twist it. 351 00:28:03,381 --> 00:28:05,315 Feel the nub. 352 00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:09,646 - Hey, you want some? Here. - Yeah. 353 00:28:12,624 --> 00:28:14,114 You want fruit? 354 00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:30,637 Bye! You blinked! You blinked. 355 00:28:32,343 --> 00:28:35,437 Time to pluck the grape from the vine. 356 00:28:36,948 --> 00:28:41,282 Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity. 357 00:28:43,288 --> 00:28:45,017 Coming on the left. 358 00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:49,257 False alarm. 359 00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:58,732 Told my mom everything about us. 360 00:28:59,771 --> 00:29:01,864 What are you talking about? 361 00:29:03,775 --> 00:29:07,211 You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural. 362 00:29:07,879 --> 00:29:10,313 You know. You so know. 363 00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:13,009 No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know. 364 00:29:15,286 --> 00:29:18,187 Snap. Pop goes the weasel. 365 00:29:20,658 --> 00:29:22,455 So happy! 366 00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:24,753 Yeah! 367 00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:49,412 Yeah! 368 00:29:54,826 --> 00:29:56,760 I believe in magic! 369 00:29:59,864 --> 00:30:00,888 No way! 370 00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:10,430 I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear. 371 00:30:11,576 --> 00:30:13,100 It's fine, Ma. 372 00:30:13,211 --> 00:30:16,237 - Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches? - Yes. 373 00:30:16,347 --> 00:30:20,477 Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in. 374 00:30:21,553 --> 00:30:25,956 Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up? 375 00:30:26,057 --> 00:30:28,890 I don't think so, Ma. It's fine. 376 00:30:35,366 --> 00:30:37,800 If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe. 377 00:30:37,902 --> 00:30:40,962 But that would probably... You know. 378 00:30:44,776 --> 00:30:47,336 You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries. 379 00:30:47,445 --> 00:30:50,414 But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah. 380 00:32:23,841 --> 00:32:25,570 Maya. Hey. 381 00:32:26,978 --> 00:32:29,947 Dad. I'm so sorry. 382 00:32:33,851 --> 00:32:35,148 It's okay. 383 00:32:36,521 --> 00:32:38,819 There are other fish in the sea. 384 00:32:38,923 --> 00:32:41,448 You just gotta keep looking. 385 00:32:41,559 --> 00:32:43,789 And it doesn't matter what you do. 386 00:32:43,895 --> 00:32:47,831 Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you, 387 00:32:47,932 --> 00:32:49,524 all bets are off. 388 00:32:55,106 --> 00:32:58,075 If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us. 389 00:33:00,111 --> 00:33:04,275 I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying. 390 00:33:04,382 --> 00:33:06,350 You just have to... 391 00:33:06,451 --> 00:33:08,043 Is that a tattoo? 392 00:33:10,221 --> 00:33:12,280 I... Yeah, yeah, it is. 393 00:33:13,224 --> 00:33:15,317 When did you get it? 394 00:33:15,426 --> 00:33:17,951 - I got it last night. - What is it? 395 00:33:19,697 --> 00:33:22,063 It's the Loch Ness monster. 396 00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:23,633 I don't drink. 397 00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:02,433 - Hey. - Hi. 398 00:34:03,775 --> 00:34:05,037 That was 399 00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:08,205 a little weird the other night, huh? 400 00:34:08,312 --> 00:34:10,940 Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah. 401 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,712 Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse? 402 00:34:14,819 --> 00:34:17,481 You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood. 403 00:34:17,588 --> 00:34:20,182 And what happens is the capillaries... 404 00:34:24,462 --> 00:34:27,829 Yeah, look. A lot of people... 405 00:34:30,201 --> 00:34:33,728 Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off. 406 00:34:34,539 --> 00:34:37,440 And if you did, too, believe me, I get it. 407 00:34:38,976 --> 00:34:43,072 I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't. 408 00:34:47,051 --> 00:34:49,042 Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just... 409 00:34:49,153 --> 00:34:51,018 I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm... 410 00:34:51,122 --> 00:34:52,487 No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something? 411 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:54,285 - Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or... - Okay. 412 00:34:54,392 --> 00:34:56,883 - Yeah. - I can do that. I can do that. 413 00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:02,392 You know, Paul, everybody texts these days. 414 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:04,627 I can't believe you don't have a cell phone. 415 00:35:04,735 --> 00:35:06,760 I'm not about all this technology, Vijay. 416 00:35:06,871 --> 00:35:10,967 I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment. 417 00:35:12,009 --> 00:35:13,374 300 bucks? 418 00:35:13,478 --> 00:35:18,177 I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please. 419 00:35:20,485 --> 00:35:23,921 Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what. 420 00:35:24,021 --> 00:35:26,785 Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone? 421 00:35:26,891 --> 00:35:29,189 - No, I can't do that. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 422 00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:30,453 I'm punishing her. 423 00:35:30,561 --> 00:35:34,156 No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud, 424 00:35:34,265 --> 00:35:36,028 she went over her minutes. 425 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:39,763 When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back. 426 00:35:39,871 --> 00:35:41,736 Until then, you use it. 427 00:35:43,841 --> 00:35:45,331 - Thanks. - Sure. 428 00:35:45,443 --> 00:35:47,877 - Stay within the minutes. - Of course. 429 00:35:49,714 --> 00:35:52,615 Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed. 430 00:35:52,717 --> 00:35:55,515 - No one's going in there. - Yeah. I think we are. 431 00:36:06,297 --> 00:36:08,356 Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man. 432 00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:13,429 Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you. 433 00:36:14,939 --> 00:36:16,702 "The Devil's Crotch." 434 00:36:17,909 --> 00:36:19,843 Feel the burn, baby. 435 00:36:19,944 --> 00:36:22,435 - Thanks, Leon. - Get back at me, man. 436 00:36:27,752 --> 00:36:29,947 - Loading dock's ready. - Got it. 437 00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:38,219 Yeah. 438 00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:49,597 You need a pen, don't you? 439 00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:50,765 You know what? No, I'm good. 440 00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:52,604 - I'll just use one of their pens. - Yeah, you do. 441 00:36:53,744 --> 00:36:57,180 Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain. 442 00:36:57,281 --> 00:36:59,476 - That's stunning. - Yeah, I know. 443 00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:03,020 How would you like to sign your name with this panther? 444 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,417 You know what? More than anything. 445 00:37:04,522 --> 00:37:06,319 - Yeah, that'd be great. - Here. Yeah. 446 00:37:06,424 --> 00:37:08,289 It's yours. I insist. 447 00:37:09,260 --> 00:37:10,852 Oh, hey, guys. 448 00:37:10,962 --> 00:37:12,020 - Hey. - Hey. 449 00:37:12,129 --> 00:37:14,063 - Hey. - Don't you just love Fridays? 450 00:37:14,165 --> 00:37:15,792 - Yeah. - Best night of the week. 451 00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:16,924 Yeah. 452 00:37:17,868 --> 00:37:20,063 - Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey. 453 00:37:20,171 --> 00:37:22,537 Paul. Paul, can you help me out? 454 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,335 I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute. 455 00:37:24,442 --> 00:37:26,273 There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games. 456 00:37:26,377 --> 00:37:28,902 Could you close up the arcade for me? 457 00:37:29,013 --> 00:37:31,106 - Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson. - Okay. 458 00:37:31,215 --> 00:37:33,683 - You okay? You seem a little down. - Yeah, I'm fine. 459 00:37:33,784 --> 00:37:35,684 You know, video game might cheer you right up. 460 00:37:35,786 --> 00:37:37,344 Nah, I'm on duty. 461 00:38:11,322 --> 00:38:13,347 Welcome to the games! 462 00:38:16,060 --> 00:38:17,152 Get set. 463 00:38:18,262 --> 00:38:19,229 Go. 464 00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:24,627 Foul. Foul. 465 00:38:25,236 --> 00:38:27,261 Foul. Foul. 466 00:38:27,872 --> 00:38:30,102 Foul. Foul. 467 00:38:30,408 --> 00:38:33,639 Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. 468 00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:35,804 Game over. 469 00:38:40,785 --> 00:38:42,218 We are ready. 470 00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:12,482 Let's do this. 471 00:39:22,159 --> 00:39:23,592 Attention shoppers. 472 00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:25,389 Please make your way to the nearest exits. 473 00:39:25,496 --> 00:39:27,657 Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early. 474 00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,894 - Everybody out! - Everybody out! 475 00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:38,399 Everybody out, now! 476 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,439 You, too! 477 00:39:58,162 --> 00:40:00,824 Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me... 478 00:40:11,509 --> 00:40:13,875 I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall. 479 00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:20,547 Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall. 480 00:40:20,651 --> 00:40:23,347 - I'm out of here. - Everybody on the floor! 481 00:40:33,497 --> 00:40:36,125 Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages. 482 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:49,272 What are you doing? Get down. 483 00:40:53,417 --> 00:40:54,441 Oh, my God. 484 00:40:59,990 --> 00:41:03,289 Surprised? I know. 485 00:41:03,394 --> 00:41:05,555 But here's the craziest part. 486 00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:08,822 I'm the leader. 487 00:41:17,608 --> 00:41:20,702 Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages. 488 00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:24,178 This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter. 489 00:41:24,281 --> 00:41:27,114 See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately. 490 00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:28,515 Let's get all these civilians out of here. 491 00:41:28,619 --> 00:41:30,416 See if we can gain access into the loading dock. 492 00:41:30,521 --> 00:41:32,250 - Go. - I'm on it. 94, move 'em out. 493 00:41:46,036 --> 00:41:47,003 Hello? 494 00:41:48,105 --> 00:41:49,470 Feeling alive? 495 00:41:50,374 --> 00:41:51,466 I'm sorry? 496 00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:55,405 Parisa. 497 00:41:56,714 --> 00:42:00,445 She makes you feel alive, doesn't she? 498 00:42:02,052 --> 00:42:05,954 This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa. 499 00:42:06,423 --> 00:42:08,152 My name's Paul Blart. 500 00:42:08,492 --> 00:42:11,791 Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me. 501 00:42:11,896 --> 00:42:15,992 Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me. 502 00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:19,035 You are probably sweating over her right now. 503 00:42:19,136 --> 00:42:20,569 I'm not lying. 504 00:42:20,738 --> 00:42:23,502 I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone. 505 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:29,274 That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world. 506 00:42:32,182 --> 00:42:34,912 Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet. 507 00:42:39,323 --> 00:42:45,319 Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man. 508 00:42:45,429 --> 00:42:48,091 Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset. 509 00:42:48,198 --> 00:42:51,634 I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix. 510 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:56,336 Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart. 511 00:42:57,041 --> 00:42:59,407 Hey, life is heavy. 512 00:43:00,544 --> 00:43:04,742 Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh? 513 00:43:04,848 --> 00:43:08,113 So why do you not head over to Orange Julius, 514 00:43:08,218 --> 00:43:10,550 call up my friend Sameer Oh? 515 00:43:10,654 --> 00:43:14,021 Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up. 516 00:43:15,726 --> 00:43:17,193 Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall? 517 00:43:17,695 --> 00:43:20,960 I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me. 518 00:43:26,303 --> 00:43:28,100 Closing time already. 519 00:43:31,642 --> 00:43:36,136 Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall. 520 00:43:36,246 --> 00:43:40,342 Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit. 521 00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:42,009 And 15 for you. 522 00:43:44,755 --> 00:43:45,847 Okay. 523 00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:50,052 Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine. 524 00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,151 They change every day, so make sure 525 00:43:52,262 --> 00:43:56,198 that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday. 526 00:44:18,122 --> 00:44:21,091 Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said. 527 00:44:21,191 --> 00:44:22,180 Perfect. 528 00:44:24,695 --> 00:44:27,129 Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! 529 00:44:27,698 --> 00:44:30,394 And these little piggies went all the way home. 530 00:44:31,468 --> 00:44:32,492 Do it. 531 00:44:43,180 --> 00:44:46,411 Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission. 532 00:44:49,219 --> 00:44:51,346 Hey, everyone. A couple requests. 533 00:44:51,455 --> 00:44:53,923 Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut, 534 00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:58,961 give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say. 535 00:44:59,063 --> 00:45:01,657 You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time. 536 00:45:01,765 --> 00:45:03,824 Back to your mediocre lives. 537 00:45:04,735 --> 00:45:07,295 - I don't have one. - Amy. 538 00:45:12,409 --> 00:45:17,574 I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on. 539 00:45:17,681 --> 00:45:21,412 You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course. 540 00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:26,246 What do you say? 541 00:45:27,191 --> 00:45:28,522 Go to hell. 542 00:45:29,326 --> 00:45:30,384 Ouch. 543 00:45:32,362 --> 00:45:35,422 Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you? 544 00:45:35,532 --> 00:45:37,830 What? No. She's not my girlfriend. 545 00:45:37,935 --> 00:45:42,269 But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together." 546 00:45:42,372 --> 00:45:47,674 No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather. 547 00:45:49,713 --> 00:45:52,147 Have at it. If you... 548 00:45:53,550 --> 00:45:55,313 God, you're an idiot. 549 00:45:57,755 --> 00:45:58,779 Hello? 550 00:45:59,056 --> 00:46:01,115 This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department. 551 00:46:01,225 --> 00:46:03,591 - Who am I speaking with? - Hi. 552 00:46:03,694 --> 00:46:05,491 Yeah, well, so here's the deal. 553 00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:09,792 As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors, 554 00:46:09,900 --> 00:46:11,231 so if you wanna enter my mall, 555 00:46:11,335 --> 00:46:15,795 you might as well bring at least six body bags. 556 00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:18,635 He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us. 557 00:46:18,742 --> 00:46:20,607 See if we can tap into the security cameras. 558 00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,941 Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall. 559 00:46:23,046 --> 00:46:25,571 Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water? 560 00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:31,849 Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all. 561 00:46:33,223 --> 00:46:36,283 You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal, 562 00:46:36,393 --> 00:46:38,987 you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster, 563 00:46:39,096 --> 00:46:40,358 'cause I already have the dragon. 564 00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:43,331 Okay, okay, now what is it you really want? 565 00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:45,829 Silence. 566 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:54,403 Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed, 567 00:46:54,511 --> 00:46:58,607 but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked. 568 00:46:59,183 --> 00:47:00,514 Sweet mercy. 569 00:47:02,286 --> 00:47:04,914 This is not happening, this is not happening, this is... 570 00:47:08,625 --> 00:47:12,152 Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think. 571 00:47:12,896 --> 00:47:15,126 Now what are you trained to do? 572 00:47:19,136 --> 00:47:20,330 Nothing. 573 00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:26,036 Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it. 574 00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:29,710 Yo, we got a straggler. 575 00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,579 - It's a security guard. - What should we do? 576 00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:38,177 I don't know. Give up, I guess. 577 00:47:38,288 --> 00:47:42,281 Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan. 578 00:47:42,392 --> 00:47:45,327 We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth. 579 00:47:45,429 --> 00:47:47,454 He says he's a security officer in the mall. 580 00:47:47,564 --> 00:47:50,897 Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys. 581 00:47:51,001 --> 00:47:53,492 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department. 582 00:47:53,604 --> 00:47:56,164 The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages. 583 00:47:56,273 --> 00:47:58,264 I need you to exit the building immediately. 584 00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:01,075 We don't need any wild cards in this situation. 585 00:48:01,178 --> 00:48:03,840 Copy that. Never been a wild card. 586 00:48:03,947 --> 00:48:06,711 Unless you consider the game of Uno wild. 587 00:48:07,918 --> 00:48:12,184 - Blart! Can we focus here, please? - Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out. 588 00:48:12,289 --> 00:48:15,690 Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die. 589 00:48:16,927 --> 00:48:18,360 Blart. 590 00:48:19,162 --> 00:48:20,925 Don't pee. Don't pee. 591 00:48:30,674 --> 00:48:34,201 Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it. 592 00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:39,940 Amy. 593 00:48:40,050 --> 00:48:42,314 What the hell is he doing? Come on! 594 00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:44,580 - Paul, come on! - Paulie, come on! 595 00:48:44,688 --> 00:48:45,814 - What's he doing? - Come on, Blart! 596 00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:46,947 Blart, come on! 597 00:48:47,057 --> 00:48:48,820 - Let's go! Move it! - Come on! Come on! 598 00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:50,416 - Get out of there! - Come on! 599 00:48:51,895 --> 00:48:53,453 Is he crying? 600 00:48:53,563 --> 00:48:55,622 - I can't leave her. - Where's he going? 601 00:48:55,732 --> 00:48:56,824 - Blart! - Where's he going? 602 00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,960 Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please? 603 00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,766 Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on? 604 00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:08,241 Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it. 605 00:49:08,345 --> 00:49:09,778 What oath? We don't have an oath. 606 00:49:10,847 --> 00:49:14,044 I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room. 607 00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:17,647 Listen, I think you're making a big mistake. 608 00:49:17,754 --> 00:49:19,346 SWAT's on the way. 609 00:49:19,890 --> 00:49:23,587 And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed, 610 00:49:23,694 --> 00:49:26,595 and let's face it, son, you present a huge target. 611 00:49:27,197 --> 00:49:30,496 With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside. 612 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:31,589 Over. 613 00:49:31,702 --> 00:49:35,331 Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside. 614 00:49:35,872 --> 00:49:40,571 Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall? 615 00:49:41,211 --> 00:49:42,178 Send. 616 00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:56,519 Got him. 617 00:50:20,817 --> 00:50:22,876 Oh, my God. Oh, God. 618 00:50:22,986 --> 00:50:25,887 Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think! 619 00:50:48,178 --> 00:50:49,770 Hold it together. 620 00:50:51,848 --> 00:50:53,543 Heart of a warrior. 621 00:51:06,630 --> 00:51:08,120 I missed lunch. 622 00:51:16,173 --> 00:51:17,470 Thank you. 623 00:51:24,781 --> 00:51:27,409 This isn't happening, this is not happening. 624 00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:39,458 Hey! Don't make this hard. 625 00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:47,269 You like that? 626 00:52:15,866 --> 00:52:18,664 Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away. 627 00:52:18,768 --> 00:52:20,895 - Wow, Paul, you got one. - Yes. 628 00:52:21,004 --> 00:52:24,496 But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just... 629 00:52:24,608 --> 00:52:26,473 I put all my weight on her. 630 00:52:27,110 --> 00:52:28,338 Oh, Paul. 631 00:52:28,979 --> 00:52:31,447 No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine. 632 00:52:32,048 --> 00:52:33,572 Well, good, let's get you out of there. 633 00:52:34,284 --> 00:52:37,447 No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started. 634 00:52:38,522 --> 00:52:40,183 What the heck is this? 635 00:52:40,290 --> 00:52:41,723 Give me that. 636 00:52:42,559 --> 00:52:44,151 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again. 637 00:52:44,261 --> 00:52:47,128 Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank 638 00:52:47,230 --> 00:52:49,027 and find out where they're holding the hostages. 639 00:52:50,767 --> 00:52:52,325 With honor, sir. 640 00:52:55,038 --> 00:52:56,471 Good to know. 641 00:53:28,171 --> 00:53:29,934 Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen. 642 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,975 Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone. 643 00:53:33,076 --> 00:53:37,570 And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately. 644 00:53:38,448 --> 00:53:41,315 Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them. 645 00:53:41,418 --> 00:53:45,787 Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside. 646 00:54:00,403 --> 00:54:03,429 I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured. 647 00:54:03,540 --> 00:54:05,098 - We got a three-block perimeter... - Establish a perimeter 648 00:54:05,208 --> 00:54:06,175 and get all these people out of here. 649 00:54:06,276 --> 00:54:07,504 Whoa, whoa, this is all done already. 650 00:54:07,611 --> 00:54:09,579 My men are gonna do it again, the right way. 651 00:54:09,679 --> 00:54:12,045 Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands? 652 00:54:12,148 --> 00:54:15,709 - A Happy Meal and absolute silence. - Well, let's make some noise. 653 00:54:15,819 --> 00:54:19,118 I got snipers at the ready, communications in check. 654 00:54:19,222 --> 00:54:21,156 Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals. 655 00:54:21,258 --> 00:54:22,657 You can't. They knocked out the video cameras. 656 00:54:22,759 --> 00:54:28,720 I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge. 657 00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:01,430 Brooks, I'm observing the bank now. 658 00:55:02,699 --> 00:55:05,600 They got one assailant guarding the hostages. 659 00:55:07,804 --> 00:55:09,567 There she is. 660 00:55:09,673 --> 00:55:12,904 My, God. You are my angel pie. 661 00:55:15,845 --> 00:55:18,040 Here come the love sweats. 662 00:55:18,948 --> 00:55:21,041 Paul, your radio's still on. 663 00:55:23,553 --> 00:55:24,542 Roger that. 664 00:55:25,021 --> 00:55:28,923 - What's going on? Who is that? - We got a guy on the inside. 665 00:55:29,025 --> 00:55:31,357 Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero. 666 00:55:31,461 --> 00:55:35,921 No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards. 667 00:55:36,032 --> 00:55:38,296 - Wait a minute. Blart? - Yeah. 668 00:55:38,401 --> 00:55:39,732 - Paul Blart? - Yeah. 669 00:55:39,836 --> 00:55:43,602 Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that. 670 00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:45,400 Blart. 671 00:55:45,508 --> 00:55:48,739 This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT. 672 00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:51,939 We went to high school together. Remember? 673 00:55:52,048 --> 00:55:54,846 I set you on fire at the pancake festival? 674 00:55:55,518 --> 00:55:57,452 Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy. 675 00:55:58,021 --> 00:55:59,181 Go Green Hawks. 676 00:56:00,056 --> 00:56:04,049 Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here. 677 00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:06,219 At my command, we are retaking this location, 678 00:56:06,329 --> 00:56:09,389 and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor 679 00:56:09,499 --> 00:56:12,662 who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up. 680 00:56:12,769 --> 00:56:17,263 Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend." 681 00:56:17,374 --> 00:56:19,569 Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on? 682 00:56:19,676 --> 00:56:20,802 Listen to me, Blart, 683 00:56:20,910 --> 00:56:24,869 you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear? 684 00:56:27,016 --> 00:56:28,142 Hello? 685 00:56:30,153 --> 00:56:31,347 Hello? 686 00:56:31,454 --> 00:56:34,514 Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing? 687 00:56:35,792 --> 00:56:38,784 Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area. 688 00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:40,192 I'm gonna get a closer look. 689 00:57:21,805 --> 00:57:22,863 Veck. 690 00:57:25,608 --> 00:57:26,870 There he is! 691 00:57:28,945 --> 00:57:31,209 - Everyone in the back room, now! - Come on, move, move! 692 00:57:31,314 --> 00:57:32,406 Let's get in the back, huh? 693 00:57:33,683 --> 00:57:38,279 Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out. 694 00:57:38,388 --> 00:57:41,482 But I know who the leader is. It's Veck. 695 00:57:41,591 --> 00:57:43,821 Veck? The trainee? 696 00:57:43,927 --> 00:57:47,363 - No. The brainee. - I don't believe this. 697 00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:49,359 I'll pass it on to Howard. 698 00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:06,676 Oh, God. 699 00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:08,681 Trapped is fine by me. 700 00:58:08,785 --> 00:58:11,481 Commence tanning. Three, two, one. 701 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:38,572 Yeah! 702 00:58:48,458 --> 00:58:49,482 Yes! 703 00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,704 Time for some big-game hunting. 704 00:59:31,434 --> 00:59:33,959 Open, open, open! Thank God. 705 00:59:39,175 --> 00:59:40,335 Oh, no. 706 00:59:42,545 --> 00:59:47,642 Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it! 707 00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:55,581 Get him! Get him! Get him! 708 01:00:02,365 --> 01:00:03,855 You better run. 709 01:00:07,203 --> 01:00:10,172 - Rudolph, where are you? - I'm about to end this. 710 01:00:23,519 --> 01:00:26,079 Amy, huh? What a coincidence. 711 01:00:26,189 --> 01:00:28,885 We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy. 712 01:00:28,992 --> 01:00:31,324 - Strawberry blonde, actually. - Yeah? 713 01:00:31,427 --> 01:00:34,089 Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first. 714 01:00:34,197 --> 01:00:36,757 - Catch you later! - Yeah? 715 01:00:36,866 --> 01:00:39,096 Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall. 716 01:00:39,202 --> 01:00:42,137 It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing. 717 01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:33,011 You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this. 718 01:01:37,994 --> 01:01:40,087 Nobody wins with a head butt. 719 01:01:59,949 --> 01:02:01,940 - Give me your cell phone. - I don't have one. 720 01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:04,144 What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone. 721 01:02:04,253 --> 01:02:06,551 I prefer handwritten sentiments. 722 01:02:08,124 --> 01:02:12,527 Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this? 723 01:02:12,628 --> 01:02:15,859 They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker. 724 01:02:20,470 --> 01:02:24,133 We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you. 725 01:02:24,240 --> 01:02:25,798 Silence, my ass. 726 01:02:26,943 --> 01:02:28,843 What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way, 727 01:02:28,945 --> 01:02:31,709 you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb? 728 01:02:32,682 --> 01:02:34,377 If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag, 729 01:02:34,484 --> 01:02:36,679 he's gonna roll over on you all night long. 730 01:02:36,786 --> 01:02:38,845 It's all right. That's not my style. 731 01:02:38,955 --> 01:02:45,087 Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like... 732 01:02:45,194 --> 01:02:46,252 Here. 733 01:02:46,963 --> 01:02:48,624 This is what you been doing? 734 01:02:49,365 --> 01:02:51,526 "Yeah, you and what army?" 735 01:02:53,336 --> 01:02:56,032 - What's wrong with that? - He has an army. 736 01:03:03,045 --> 01:03:05,946 Everyone deserves a card on their birthday. 737 01:03:30,139 --> 01:03:32,733 So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib 738 01:03:32,842 --> 01:03:35,276 about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like, 739 01:03:35,378 --> 01:03:38,677 "Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"? 740 01:03:38,781 --> 01:03:41,443 And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived? 741 01:03:41,551 --> 01:03:46,045 - Veck, this guard is... - Winning! I know this, because I am all set! 742 01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:49,420 But sadly, no codes! 743 01:03:49,525 --> 01:03:53,859 And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up 744 01:03:53,963 --> 01:03:59,595 in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable! 745 01:03:59,702 --> 01:04:01,693 No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking. 746 01:04:02,438 --> 01:04:03,905 Give me a gun. 747 01:04:06,175 --> 01:04:08,143 Put it down. Put it down. 748 01:04:08,911 --> 01:04:10,401 What are you nodding about? 749 01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:14,279 I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal? 750 01:04:16,886 --> 01:04:18,717 It isn't coming, is it? 751 01:04:22,358 --> 01:04:23,382 What? 752 01:04:23,492 --> 01:04:25,653 This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT. 753 01:04:25,761 --> 01:04:26,989 You wanted to speak to me? 754 01:04:27,096 --> 01:04:30,122 I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid. 755 01:04:30,233 --> 01:04:33,259 You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution. 756 01:04:33,369 --> 01:04:35,530 The easy way or the hard way. 757 01:04:35,638 --> 01:04:37,697 That is such a tough call, but... 758 01:04:37,807 --> 01:04:41,402 Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above! 759 01:04:43,379 --> 01:04:45,347 I'm Amy, by the way. 760 01:04:45,448 --> 01:04:48,849 - Amy? From unbeWEAVEable? - Yeah. 761 01:04:48,951 --> 01:04:52,512 I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you. 762 01:04:53,256 --> 01:04:57,158 And I gotta say, he really does like you. 763 01:04:57,260 --> 01:04:58,955 I'm gonna throw up. 764 01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:18,244 Oh, that's not so bad. 765 01:05:35,898 --> 01:05:37,229 Oh, my God. 766 01:05:38,901 --> 01:05:40,869 They've got his daughter. 767 01:05:41,971 --> 01:05:43,666 - Dad? - Maya. 768 01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,102 - Everything's gonna be okay. - How's your blood sugar? 769 01:05:47,209 --> 01:05:50,269 Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you. 770 01:05:50,379 --> 01:05:54,509 I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out. 771 01:05:54,617 --> 01:05:57,347 You just hang in there, okay, sweetie? 772 01:05:57,453 --> 01:06:00,217 I will. I'm a Blart, remember? 773 01:06:00,323 --> 01:06:02,257 Yeah. I'll see you soon. 774 01:06:04,527 --> 01:06:07,462 I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages. 775 01:06:07,563 --> 01:06:11,055 And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now. 776 01:07:18,801 --> 01:07:22,259 "If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"? 777 01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:27,532 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. 778 01:07:50,266 --> 01:07:51,756 Come and get me, Veck. 779 01:07:51,867 --> 01:07:53,994 I got your codes for the credit-card machines. 780 01:07:54,103 --> 01:07:57,971 - Yo, you hear that? That's Paul, baby! - Blart? 781 01:07:59,575 --> 01:08:02,476 That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me. 782 01:08:02,578 --> 01:08:03,943 Give me a radio. 783 01:08:04,046 --> 01:08:05,707 Let me tell you something. 784 01:08:05,815 --> 01:08:10,411 You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake. 785 01:08:10,519 --> 01:08:12,510 You seriously undermissed... 786 01:08:15,891 --> 01:08:17,825 And you seriously... 787 01:08:19,095 --> 01:08:20,255 Oh, no! 788 01:08:32,808 --> 01:08:33,968 Blart? 789 01:08:39,615 --> 01:08:42,812 Sugar. Sugar. 790 01:08:42,918 --> 01:08:45,580 Blart? You there, Blart? 791 01:08:51,894 --> 01:08:53,828 Hello, Blart. You there? 792 01:09:18,053 --> 01:09:19,384 Hey, Blart! 793 01:09:20,189 --> 01:09:23,249 I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up. 794 01:09:25,060 --> 01:09:26,687 How about now? 795 01:09:26,795 --> 01:09:30,253 I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver. 796 01:09:30,366 --> 01:09:34,166 Yeah, you heard me. Never! 797 01:09:34,270 --> 01:09:35,760 All right, Dad. 798 01:09:40,976 --> 01:09:44,503 Hey, fellas! You looking for me? 799 01:09:47,950 --> 01:09:50,919 Come on. Come on, come on. Come on. 800 01:09:56,492 --> 01:09:58,187 Follow me. 801 01:09:58,294 --> 01:09:59,693 There he is. 802 01:10:03,299 --> 01:10:05,130 We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe. 803 01:10:05,234 --> 01:10:08,203 Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said, 804 01:10:08,304 --> 01:10:10,534 "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." 805 01:10:10,639 --> 01:10:13,506 I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here. 806 01:10:22,918 --> 01:10:24,783 Prancer, take the back. 807 01:11:32,588 --> 01:11:35,887 Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo. 808 01:11:58,314 --> 01:12:01,681 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please? 809 01:12:01,784 --> 01:12:04,048 Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands? 810 01:12:04,153 --> 01:12:06,018 Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass. 811 01:12:06,121 --> 01:12:07,713 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. 812 01:12:09,958 --> 01:12:11,016 No. 813 01:12:11,794 --> 01:12:14,820 One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass. 814 01:12:39,288 --> 01:12:42,485 Comet! Don't come back till he's dead! 815 01:12:44,693 --> 01:12:50,256 Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck. 816 01:12:52,968 --> 01:12:55,163 Okay, who's talking to Blart? 817 01:12:55,971 --> 01:12:58,269 Was it you, sugar mouth? 818 01:12:58,374 --> 01:13:00,934 All right. Let's try this again. 819 01:13:01,043 --> 01:13:02,601 Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! 820 01:13:02,711 --> 01:13:05,236 It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him. 821 01:13:05,347 --> 01:13:09,374 She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg. 822 01:13:09,485 --> 01:13:12,682 The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good. 823 01:13:13,922 --> 01:13:14,980 Okay. 824 01:13:18,627 --> 01:13:20,117 That was close. 825 01:13:20,829 --> 01:13:21,989 He is a pro. 826 01:13:23,599 --> 01:13:25,829 Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in. 827 01:13:25,934 --> 01:13:28,732 Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them. 828 01:13:28,837 --> 01:13:30,395 Just give me a few minutes. 829 01:13:30,506 --> 01:13:31,530 No problem. 830 01:13:53,762 --> 01:13:55,320 Isn't that cute? 831 01:14:16,185 --> 01:14:18,847 - Hey, Amy. I'm on my way. - Oh, hey, Blart. 832 01:14:19,588 --> 01:14:22,716 Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile 833 01:14:22,825 --> 01:14:24,759 on lonelyloser.com. 834 01:14:26,061 --> 01:14:29,360 "Likes morning rain, walks on the beach." 835 01:14:30,199 --> 01:14:31,962 Who are you, Olivia Newton-John? 836 01:14:32,568 --> 01:14:34,798 I was just speaking from the heart. 837 01:14:34,903 --> 01:14:39,499 Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle. 838 01:14:39,608 --> 01:14:40,632 You're so pathetic. 839 01:14:45,280 --> 01:14:46,440 Trippy. 840 01:14:51,587 --> 01:14:53,111 This I can use. 841 01:14:54,656 --> 01:14:55,884 What do you want, Veck? 842 01:14:55,991 --> 01:14:58,255 I just want the $30 million that I came here for. 843 01:14:58,360 --> 01:15:03,024 But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter. 844 01:15:04,500 --> 01:15:06,525 You touch them, I swear I'll end you. 845 01:15:06,635 --> 01:15:08,068 What're you gonna do, Paul? 846 01:15:08,170 --> 01:15:11,503 You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun, 847 01:15:11,607 --> 01:15:13,905 which you and I both know you don't? 848 01:15:15,244 --> 01:15:18,407 - I could. - You're not gonna do squat. 849 01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:21,745 The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head. 850 01:15:21,850 --> 01:15:25,411 I don't think so. I'm taking you down. 851 01:15:43,705 --> 01:15:44,831 Blart! 852 01:15:50,345 --> 01:15:51,642 Oh, Blart. 853 01:15:59,521 --> 01:16:01,751 Sweet mercy. 854 01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:13,062 I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out. 855 01:16:13,168 --> 01:16:14,999 - Too tight! - This is not happening. 856 01:16:15,103 --> 01:16:17,264 - It's not happening. - Come on. 857 01:16:43,131 --> 01:16:46,567 Bravo. That was awesome. 858 01:16:47,936 --> 01:16:52,703 And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close. 859 01:16:52,808 --> 01:16:55,777 - It's not over yet. - Yeah, I think it is. 860 01:16:55,877 --> 01:17:01,076 Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages, 861 01:17:01,183 --> 01:17:05,347 you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me. 862 01:17:07,856 --> 01:17:10,654 You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the... 863 01:17:19,935 --> 01:17:22,301 - Yello? - Peanut Blart and Jelly. 864 01:17:22,404 --> 01:17:26,841 What's up, man? So good to hear your voice. 865 01:17:26,942 --> 01:17:28,204 Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud. 866 01:17:28,310 --> 01:17:29,800 Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back. 867 01:17:29,911 --> 01:17:32,675 - What? When? - I don't know when. I'll talk to you later. 868 01:17:32,781 --> 01:17:35,682 Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul! 869 01:17:38,086 --> 01:17:40,748 I mean, this just keeps getting better and better. 870 01:17:40,856 --> 01:17:43,791 I mean, you are impossible to underestimate. 871 01:17:43,892 --> 01:17:45,723 I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam, 872 01:17:45,827 --> 01:17:49,786 you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes, 873 01:17:49,898 --> 01:17:53,561 you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it. 874 01:17:53,669 --> 01:17:56,832 Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya? 875 01:18:06,214 --> 01:18:09,741 What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me. 876 01:18:10,886 --> 01:18:14,652 You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control. 877 01:18:15,691 --> 01:18:18,455 I mean, people, they look at me and you, and... 878 01:18:18,560 --> 01:18:20,425 Yeah, it's a landslide. 879 01:18:20,862 --> 01:18:22,420 It's no contest. 880 01:18:24,232 --> 01:18:25,358 Sorry. 881 01:18:26,334 --> 01:18:28,996 Right now, you're the man with the gun. 882 01:18:31,306 --> 01:18:32,796 So here you go. 883 01:18:50,592 --> 01:18:52,059 Come on! 884 01:18:52,160 --> 01:18:53,593 Go get him! 885 01:18:53,695 --> 01:18:54,923 Go, Dad. 886 01:18:56,932 --> 01:18:58,092 What... 887 01:19:02,270 --> 01:19:05,034 Probably should have capitalized on that. 888 01:19:05,741 --> 01:19:06,901 Dad! 889 01:19:12,547 --> 01:19:15,038 Lock and load, boys. We're going in. 890 01:19:22,023 --> 01:19:23,456 Hey, we're on the move. 891 01:19:23,558 --> 01:19:24,786 Let's go. 892 01:19:29,297 --> 01:19:31,265 Come on, come on, come on. 893 01:19:46,081 --> 01:19:48,242 Paul. Think, Paul. Think! 894 01:19:51,186 --> 01:19:55,145 Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects. 895 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:06,428 Get down! 896 01:20:07,502 --> 01:20:09,766 Hold your fire! Hold your fire! 897 01:20:13,241 --> 01:20:16,472 Down. The other one. That's the back one. 898 01:20:16,578 --> 01:20:19,979 No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one! 899 01:20:20,081 --> 01:20:22,743 Veck got away with my daughter and Amy. 900 01:20:23,318 --> 01:20:26,651 Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue. 901 01:20:27,122 --> 01:20:28,316 Light. 902 01:20:30,959 --> 01:20:32,426 Open the door. 903 01:20:36,331 --> 01:20:37,764 Let's do this. 904 01:20:41,603 --> 01:20:43,867 Jimmy, give me your cell phone. 905 01:20:45,707 --> 01:20:49,837 Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business. 906 01:20:51,847 --> 01:20:52,939 What up? 907 01:20:53,048 --> 01:20:55,676 Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone? 908 01:20:55,784 --> 01:21:00,084 You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you? 909 01:21:00,188 --> 01:21:01,849 I need to know where it's headed. 910 01:21:05,727 --> 01:21:08,059 Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield. 911 01:21:08,163 --> 01:21:10,324 I know where that is. Thanks. 912 01:21:11,499 --> 01:21:12,727 Hang on. 913 01:21:16,304 --> 01:21:17,931 My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel. 914 01:21:18,039 --> 01:21:19,097 What? 915 01:21:20,876 --> 01:21:22,741 Here we go! Here we go! 916 01:21:23,178 --> 01:21:25,112 That was me. I can't... 917 01:21:43,832 --> 01:21:46,960 Here I go! No! 918 01:21:51,640 --> 01:21:52,766 Blart! 919 01:21:57,312 --> 01:21:59,041 Don't do it! Blart! 920 01:22:15,563 --> 01:22:17,155 Oh, God. Oh, God. 921 01:22:31,913 --> 01:22:33,778 Maya! Maya, get inside. 922 01:22:34,249 --> 01:22:35,807 - Oh, God! - Dad! 923 01:22:35,917 --> 01:22:36,975 Paul? 924 01:22:49,064 --> 01:22:50,827 I really don't drink. 925 01:22:56,571 --> 01:22:58,937 Come on. Oh, yeah? 926 01:23:00,008 --> 01:23:01,498 - Dad! - Come on. 927 01:23:06,014 --> 01:23:07,072 Dad! 928 01:23:09,184 --> 01:23:11,277 Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer. 929 01:23:16,257 --> 01:23:18,418 I told you I'd take you down. 930 01:23:22,797 --> 01:23:23,923 Blart! 931 01:23:25,467 --> 01:23:28,436 Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun. 932 01:23:28,536 --> 01:23:31,004 I hope you don't mind if I use one. 933 01:23:31,339 --> 01:23:32,397 What? 934 01:23:36,911 --> 01:23:38,708 - Oh, no. - Oh, yeah. 935 01:23:39,581 --> 01:23:41,572 I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh? 936 01:23:41,683 --> 01:23:43,116 Soon as I get my money. 937 01:23:43,218 --> 01:23:46,847 Yeah, well, you'll be needing this. 938 01:23:46,955 --> 01:23:48,923 Just give it to him, Dad. 939 01:23:49,457 --> 01:23:53,188 Oh, I will. Suck on that! 940 01:23:55,930 --> 01:23:58,558 Okay. Situation update? 941 01:23:59,234 --> 01:24:01,361 We have seven assailants in custody, sir. 942 01:24:02,003 --> 01:24:05,029 - Great. Nobody talks to them but me. - Yes, sir. 943 01:24:05,140 --> 01:24:07,370 You see, jackass? I don't need the phone. 944 01:24:07,475 --> 01:24:09,500 'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm. 945 01:24:09,611 --> 01:24:11,738 Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. 946 01:24:11,846 --> 01:24:14,406 And since everybody thinks this was a bank... 947 01:24:28,430 --> 01:24:33,367 I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled. 948 01:24:35,437 --> 01:24:37,837 That's better than anything I got. 949 01:24:45,580 --> 01:24:47,207 You did good, Dad. 950 01:24:48,716 --> 01:24:50,650 Yeah, I am pretty great. 951 01:24:54,355 --> 01:24:57,324 You know, she doesn't need a green card. 952 01:25:39,701 --> 01:25:41,669 I don't know what to say. 953 01:25:42,237 --> 01:25:44,831 I have something I want to say to you. 954 01:25:48,476 --> 01:25:50,205 Happy birthday, Amy. 955 01:26:13,501 --> 01:26:15,298 I heard you applied to be a state trooper. 956 01:26:15,403 --> 01:26:19,066 You say the word, my department would be proud to have you. 957 01:26:19,607 --> 01:26:23,543 Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best. 958 01:26:24,279 --> 01:26:27,976 It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall. 959 01:28:27,977 --> 01:28:28,977 Subtitles by LeapinLar