1
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,054
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,640
(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
3
00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:14,826
ALICE: There is a right way to be single.
4
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,870
Hey. How are you?
5
00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:18,413
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
6
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:20,915
Oh, when's your wedding?
7
00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:23,626
Eighteen months
after I meet the right guy.
8
00:01:24,169 --> 00:01:25,503
Okay.
9
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,297
ALICE: And a wrong way to be single.
10
00:01:28,548 --> 00:01:30,216
And then there's this guy.
11
00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:38,850
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Good morning.
12
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:42,061
Hi. You want a hand with that?
13
00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,863
ALICE: We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,
14
00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:54,199
and try to pretend that we're not.
15
00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:55,772
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- (SNORING)
16
00:01:55,909 --> 00:01:57,744
NURSE: We need you in Exam Room 3.
17
00:01:59,579 --> 00:02:02,874
ALICE: We're supposed to act
all cheerful and happy about it.
18
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:05,418
What?
19
00:02:06,211 --> 00:02:08,421
But why should we be embarrassed?
20
00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:11,674
We're living longer, marrying later
21
00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:15,845
and refusing to leave the party
before we're really, really done.
22
00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:19,015
So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?
23
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,350
Where's home?
24
00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,019
Oh, I'm not going home.
25
00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:25,271
No way.
26
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,406
- (CLATTERS)
- Shit.
27
00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:38,786
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
(SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, my God.
28
00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:40,510
- Here, here.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God...
29
00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:42,747
I gotcha. Here you go.
30
00:02:43,915 --> 00:02:44,916
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
31
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,293
I did not think this through.
32
00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:49,170
(LAUGHING)
33
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:52,090
(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)
34
00:02:52,757 --> 00:02:53,758
I'm Josh.
35
00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,135
I'm Alice.
36
00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:02,478
ALICE: But this story
isn't about relationships.
37
00:03:02,642 --> 00:03:04,936
It's about all those times in between
38
00:03:05,103 --> 00:03:09,440
when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.
39
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,317
This isn't a break-up. Okay?
40
00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:12,844
We're just taking some time apart.
41
00:03:14,279 --> 00:03:16,781
It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.
42
00:03:16,948 --> 00:03:17,949
Bullshit!
43
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:20,994
(SIGHS) Josh, I've never been on my own.
44
00:03:21,578 --> 00:03:23,288
I went from living with my parents,
45
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,623
to living in a dorm, to living with you.
46
00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:27,667
But we're happy, Alice.
47
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,003
- Are we?
- Yeah.
48
00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:31,588
Or are we just boring?
49
00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:34,507
I'm not boring. I'm fucking fun.
50
00:03:34,674 --> 00:03:37,760
I say I'm gonna do things all the time,
and I never, ever do them.
51
00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:40,305
Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class
52
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:42,181
or I'm gonna hike the Grand Canyon,
53
00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:43,474
and I never, ever do it.
54
00:03:43,641 --> 00:03:44,684
That's not my fault.
55
00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:46,811
You said the boots made your feet hurt.
56
00:03:46,978 --> 00:03:49,606
Look, if we really want this
to work long term...
57
00:03:49,772 --> 00:03:51,608
I need to know who I am alone
58
00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,610
and I don't want to spend my life
wondering "What if?"
59
00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:54,777
This is stupid.
60
00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:56,184
The minute you walk out of here
61
00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:57,989
you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you
62
00:03:58,156 --> 00:04:00,325
and how great I am
and how much you need me,
63
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:01,891
and you're gonna start stalking me.
64
00:04:01,993 --> 00:04:03,433
- (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
- And that's sad.
65
00:04:04,329 --> 00:04:05,330
(EXHALES)
66
00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:07,332
This is gonna be great for both of us.
67
00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,499
Yeah.
68
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:12,795
We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.
69
00:04:18,635 --> 00:04:20,345
Can't you just fuck one of my friends?
70
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,182
- (CHUCKLES)
- Just do something to make me hate you.
71
00:04:24,641 --> 00:04:27,310
This is gonna be the right thing.
72
00:04:28,019 --> 00:04:29,020
Oh, God.
73
00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:34,233
- I'm gonna miss your boobs.
- (CHUCKLES)
74
00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,861
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
75
00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:05,212
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
76
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:07,517
Does this make it work?
77
00:05:09,936 --> 00:05:12,146
Yes! Yes.
78
00:05:12,522 --> 00:05:15,066
There, good. Good.
79
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:17,026
No. No, no.
80
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:20,446
(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.
81
00:05:20,947 --> 00:05:24,117
Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!
82
00:05:25,076 --> 00:05:26,911
MAN: Whoa! Whoa!
83
00:05:28,913 --> 00:05:31,749
(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)
84
00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,600
- (SCREAMS)
- Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!
85
00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,060
What the hell are you doing here?
86
00:05:51,227 --> 00:05:52,311
I'm cooking you breakfast!
87
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,147
No, okay. I don't do breakfast.
88
00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,481
Right? You need to get out!
89
00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:56,691
You're in my apartment!
90
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,317
Put the...
91
00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:02,238
This is not my apartment.
92
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,949
Fuck. Sorry.
93
00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,409
I might be a little drunk.
94
00:06:06,576 --> 00:06:07,577
Oh.
95
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,246
I might actually
wipe my fingerprints off that.
96
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,541
You were great last night.
97
00:06:14,042 --> 00:06:15,668
- Was I?
- (WHISPERS) I can't remember.
98
00:06:18,588 --> 00:06:19,964
MEG: Okay, let's go to your happy place.
99
00:06:20,131 --> 00:06:21,132
What if I poop?
100
00:06:21,299 --> 00:06:22,579
- I won't even notice.
- Oh, God.
101
00:06:22,675 --> 00:06:23,885
It's totally natural.
102
00:06:24,052 --> 00:06:26,596
Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?
103
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,523
(PANTING) Yeah?
How many babies have you had?
104
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:31,851
Well, I've delivered about 3,000 of them.
105
00:06:32,018 --> 00:06:33,019
Didn't you want one?
106
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:35,396
You know what?
107
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,981
I just felt like society
108
00:06:37,148 --> 00:06:39,025
doesn't let you pursue your dreams
109
00:06:39,192 --> 00:06:40,777
once you have children.
110
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,944
And I didn't feel like
111
00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,863
I wanted to give up my identity
112
00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:49,619
to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.
113
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:51,162
You know? Plus, your body falls to shit,
114
00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:52,789
and you have no time to exercise
115
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:55,155
and forget about sleep
for the rest of your life, right?
116
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,377
Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!
117
00:06:58,544 --> 00:06:59,629
No, I can't. My body went to shit.
118
00:06:59,796 --> 00:07:01,089
My body went to shit. It did.
119
00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,841
(CRYING)
And my vagina's so loose, already!
120
00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,676
- Let's push!
- Okay.
121
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:08,096
- MEG: Yay!
- (SCREAMING)
122
00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:10,598
Is that poop or a baby?
123
00:07:11,182 --> 00:07:12,850
It's not a baby.
124
00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:14,852
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
125
00:07:15,103 --> 00:07:16,263
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
126
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:19,232
Robin? This is Alice, our new paralegal.
127
00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:20,483
Will you give her the tour, please?
128
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,360
Yes, of course.
129
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:23,986
- Thank you.
- (SIGHS)
130
00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:25,154
Hi, I'm Alice.
131
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:26,739
- Hi.
- It's so nice to meet you.
132
00:07:26,906 --> 00:07:29,659
Yeah. Oh, sorry,
my hands are a little bit creamy.
133
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:33,162
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Okay. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
134
00:07:34,372 --> 00:07:36,916
Welcome to the law firm of some guy,
135
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:39,043
some other guy, and some Jewish guy.
136
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,003
Just kidding. They're all Jewish.
137
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:42,421
I'm really excited to be here.
138
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:44,188
This was actually one of my top choices.
139
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:45,550
That closet there, is really good
140
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,176
for making personal calls.
141
00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:50,471
But whatever you do,
do not hook up in this copy room.
142
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,473
One, it's just, like, so cliché.
143
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,809
And two, there's a security camera.
144
00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:58,229
Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now
145
00:07:58,396 --> 00:07:59,647
because recently, I actually...
146
00:07:59,814 --> 00:08:01,174
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
147
00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:02,441
They do record the footage.
148
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:05,903
So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,
149
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:08,072
(SWALLOWS)
I'd recommend hooking up in the...
150
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,532
(INAUDIBLE)
151
00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:13,744
You'll never know our secrets.
152
00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,413
You'll never know!
153
00:08:15,788 --> 00:08:16,789
Whoo!
154
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,457
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
155
00:08:20,084 --> 00:08:21,085
(SNORTS DERISIVELY)
156
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,965
Excuse me. That's none of your business.
157
00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:27,967
You're kind of making it
my business, here.
158
00:08:28,134 --> 00:08:30,928
Look, I just moved in upstairs
and my Wi-Fi sucks.
159
00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:32,895
So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole
160
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:33,973
stumble out of here at 5:00 a.m.,
161
00:08:34,140 --> 00:08:35,820
I'm at least gonna use your free Internet.
162
00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:38,477
Wow. Okay, hi. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
163
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,730
- I'm Tom. And...
- Hi.
164
00:08:40,897 --> 00:08:41,939
If you're gonna be using my free Wi-Fi,
165
00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:44,400
at least you can do me a favor
and not write shit like,
166
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,569
"I want to wake up with my best friend."
167
00:08:46,736 --> 00:08:48,176
Unless you want my dick to fall off.
168
00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:49,739
And then maybe
we could become best friends,
169
00:08:49,906 --> 00:08:51,199
and that'd be awesome.
170
00:08:51,991 --> 00:08:54,619
Look, I spent half of last year
creating an algorithm
171
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,625
that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates
172
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,547
and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.
173
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:01,209
So, I know what I'm looking for.
174
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,575
Yeah, that's not weird at all.
175
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:04,879
What are you really doing online?
176
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,464
I mean, you're a pretty girl.
177
00:09:06,631 --> 00:09:07,632
This is New York City.
178
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,383
There's like a billion people
outside that door.
179
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,552
Yeah, but how many eligible people?
180
00:09:11,761 --> 00:09:15,306
Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.
181
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,475
- Sounds like a lot, right?
- It does.
182
00:09:17,642 --> 00:09:19,393
But, half of them are women.
183
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,604
And as hard as I tried in college,
184
00:09:21,771 --> 00:09:23,231
I don't swing that way.
185
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,797
- How hard did you try?
- Let it go.
186
00:09:24,941 --> 00:09:26,692
- Okay.
- So, four million men.
187
00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,791
And then you got to have some age limits.
188
00:09:28,945 --> 00:09:30,625
- Let's say over 20.
- Gotta keep it legal.
189
00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:32,365
- Under 40.
- Keep it sexy.
190
00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:33,532
Now, it's a million.
191
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:36,994
Right. We're talking about a million guys.
192
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:39,664
But half of them are married.
193
00:09:40,206 --> 00:09:41,999
10% are gay.
194
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:43,709
I want someone college educated.
195
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,836
Not too ugly.
196
00:09:46,045 --> 00:09:48,214
- So...
- There's your boyfriend.
197
00:09:48,381 --> 00:09:49,382
I wish.
198
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:52,343
He's got to be taller than me...
199
00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:56,138
- (CHUCKLES)
- And he's got to want kids.
200
00:09:57,181 --> 00:10:00,434
So, yeah, I'm on 10 different
dating websites to increase my odds.
201
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,769
So, what do you say?
202
00:10:01,936 --> 00:10:03,354
You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room
203
00:10:03,521 --> 00:10:06,357
and I won't call the cops every night
with a noise complaint.
204
00:10:07,692 --> 00:10:08,859
Okay. Very cute.
205
00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:10,861
- These are the women?
- Hmm.
206
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,363
Thanks.
207
00:10:13,114 --> 00:10:14,907
Mmm. Mmm.
208
00:10:15,533 --> 00:10:16,534
See you around.
209
00:10:16,951 --> 00:10:18,119
Stupid.
210
00:10:18,369 --> 00:10:19,370
Have a nice night.
211
00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:21,539
Wait. What? Where are you going?
212
00:10:21,831 --> 00:10:22,957
I'm going home.
213
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:24,125
What?
214
00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:27,003
I never want to hear you
say that again. Ugh!
215
00:10:27,253 --> 00:10:30,798
You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!
216
00:10:31,007 --> 00:10:32,258
You shouldn't even have a home.
217
00:10:32,425 --> 00:10:33,884
You should just have 500 square feet
218
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,051
where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.
219
00:10:36,137 --> 00:10:38,764
Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.
220
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:39,974
We're just on a break.
221
00:10:40,141 --> 00:10:42,059
Uh, there's no such thing as a "break,"
222
00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:43,311
Season-3 Ross.
223
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,770
No, we really are on a break.
224
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:46,439
We're just taking
a little bit of time apart
225
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,649
to make sure
we really want to be together.
226
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,193
Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?
227
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,321
- No.
- Why didn't you say anything?
228
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,927
I could've made you take a half-day!
229
00:10:55,114 --> 00:10:56,234
It was my first day at work.
230
00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:57,366
Rumspringa!
231
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:59,577
What? No! Where are we going? (LAUGHS)
232
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,027
Ask me for a rum and coke
if you think you're gonna die.
233
00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:03,456
Get out of here!
234
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:07,793
Uh... You said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.
235
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:09,253
No, please. (CHUCKLES)
236
00:11:09,420 --> 00:11:12,798
No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.
237
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,967
Cross off some things on the bucket list.
238
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,595
So, what is on your bucket list?
239
00:11:17,762 --> 00:11:18,763
Usual stuff.
240
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,348
- Uh, Wrigley Fields.
- Mmm...
241
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,640
- Dolphin Trainer.
- Oh, boy.
242
00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:24,018
Oh, my God. I love dolphins.
243
00:11:24,185 --> 00:11:25,436
Loved, since forever.
244
00:11:25,603 --> 00:11:28,439
Wow, no, no, you know, because the normal
ones are already checked off, you know?
245
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,107
- Mmm-hmm.
- Hot Carl.
246
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,221
- Dirty Sanchez.
- Yeah, that's...
247
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:33,778
- Golden Shower. That one.
- Oh.
248
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,654
I actually checked off by accident.
249
00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,031
Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)
250
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:40,659
So, these aren't career goals
or life goals.
251
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:43,454
These are more sexual things.
252
00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:45,221
Have you ever heard of the Whack-a-Mole?
253
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:46,290
Rum and coke.
254
00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:47,750
Rum and Coke? Really?
255
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,959
I didn't think you'd want to do
256
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,252
a Rum and Coke with me on our first date.
257
00:11:50,461 --> 00:11:52,797
- Um, rum and coke?
- I got to find a live hamster.
258
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,006
So, I guess I could trap a street rat.
259
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:55,253
I mean, we are in New York.
260
00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:57,176
- Rum and coke!
- I got to go shave my legs.
261
00:11:57,343 --> 00:11:59,553
- Drink more water.
- Oh. Okay.
262
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,721
Yo.
263
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,057
Go lock yourself in my office.
264
00:12:03,224 --> 00:12:04,350
Thank you.
265
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,269
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Here we go.
266
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:10,898
Let me teach you how to be single.
267
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:14,443
Okay, lesson one. Go get us some drinks.
268
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:15,778
Okay.
269
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:17,655
No. That was a trick.
270
00:12:18,072 --> 00:12:20,616
You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.
271
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:24,203
It's kind of like a sexual currency
that they use,
272
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:26,497
so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.
273
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,541
So, go get us a drink.
274
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,876
- Okay.
- Not... Not with this wallet.
275
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:32,628
- Okay.
- With the sausage wallet.
276
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:33,838
Which of you is buying oil right now?
277
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,005
Do you know how much...
278
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:36,715
Hey, what's up, y'all? (CHUCKLES)
279
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,717
I don't know why I just said "y'all."
280
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,429
"You all" would have taken
just as much time.
281
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:42,972
And I'm not even from the South,
282
00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:44,932
I'm from Portland.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
283
00:12:45,266 --> 00:12:48,352
Which is southern from Canada.
284
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:49,603
Are y'all Canadian?
285
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,814
I just did it again, I said it again.
286
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:53,816
My system should have weeded him out.
287
00:12:53,983 --> 00:12:55,651
You probably read your data wrong.
288
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,987
I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.
289
00:12:58,154 --> 00:12:59,280
You just didn't want to hear it.
290
00:12:59,447 --> 00:13:01,007
I tell the truth to girls all the time.
291
00:13:01,157 --> 00:13:02,700
They hear what they want to hear.
292
00:13:02,867 --> 00:13:04,410
That sounds like a load of crap.
293
00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:05,657
(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
294
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:08,164
I'm not kidding. Watch this.
295
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,833
- Hey, sweetheart. Hey.
- Hi.
296
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,044
Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?
297
00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:16,422
Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,
298
00:13:16,589 --> 00:13:18,389
so I think I'm gonna start
seeing other people
299
00:13:18,424 --> 00:13:19,675
and I think you should move on, too.
300
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,595
Because I care about you,
301
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,597
and I don't want to see you get hurt.
302
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,433
Oh, I care about you, too.
303
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,477
Yeah. Hmm.
304
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:33,939
Wow.
305
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:37,276
You guys are super dressed-up. Funeral?
306
00:13:38,152 --> 00:13:39,445
Oh, my God. Okay, bye.
307
00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:40,905
That was a really bad idea.
308
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,948
This is stupid.
I should probably just go home.
309
00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:44,116
- It's better.
- No, are you kidding?
310
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:45,618
You have a small window
311
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:47,703
in which to bang your way
through New York City.
312
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,789
No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.
313
00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:52,708
I'm trying to figure out who I am.
314
00:13:53,209 --> 00:13:55,085
Then why don't you take this,
315
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,379
go home and stare at your beave?
316
00:13:58,297 --> 00:14:00,216
Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?
317
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,301
Um... (GASPS) I know.
318
00:14:02,468 --> 00:14:05,179
I would like to see your tongue
in that bartender's face.
319
00:14:05,346 --> 00:14:06,347
ALICE: What?
320
00:14:06,514 --> 00:14:07,598
ROBIN: Don't worry, I know him.
321
00:14:07,765 --> 00:14:09,645
He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.
322
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:10,684
That guy?
323
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,603
Yeah. I've heard he's really good in bed.
324
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:15,105
From myself,
because I might have slept with him.
325
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,440
I can't really remember.
326
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:17,983
Maybe, uh... It was winter.
327
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,528
Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.
328
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:21,695
What?
329
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:22,947
Hey, Tom.
330
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:25,199
This is Alice. She's newly single
331
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:26,659
and needs to hook up
with a random stranger.
332
00:14:26,951 --> 00:14:28,911
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Let me buy you a drink. Here you go.
333
00:14:29,078 --> 00:14:30,371
- Thanks.
- Uh, thanks.
334
00:14:31,664 --> 00:14:33,958
- Let me buy you a drink.
- (LAUGHS)
335
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,668
Welcome to the party.
336
00:14:36,669 --> 00:14:37,670
Umm, cheers.
337
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,299
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Whoo!
338
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,802
Come on! Yeah! Ha!
339
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,438
- Hi!
- Yeah!
340
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:01,193
- Hey.
- Hi.
341
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,877
Whoa! Whoa!
342
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,005
She just hit you in the face!
343
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,882
- Oh!
- Rumspringa!
344
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,061
(GROANS)
345
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,771
MEG: Morning, sunshine.
346
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:38,939
No.
347
00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:44,403
No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)
348
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,363
Oh, my God.
349
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,157
Wakey-wakey.
350
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:49,658
(BOTH LAUGHING)
351
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,786
- A doctor?
- (MEG SCREAMS)
352
00:15:53,037 --> 00:15:55,497
Did I have sex with a doctor?
Did we have sex?
353
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,374
- No.
- No?
354
00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,251
No, we didn't have sex.
355
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:01,538
- I didn't sleep with anybody?
- No, I don't think so.
356
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:03,672
Why does it smell like weed in here?
357
00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:05,841
- You have a little...
- What?
358
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:07,635
It's in your hair now.
359
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,012
It's just right...
360
00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:11,513
- What?
- It...
361
00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:13,515
No, I just have long eyelashes.
362
00:16:14,266 --> 00:16:16,769
It's a... You have a joint clinging...
363
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,020
Oh...
364
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,189
Yay! Free coffee!
365
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,111
Uh, take two Tylenol,
and make yourself some breakfast.
366
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:27,363
ALICE: I love you.
367
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,615
- Love, love you.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
368
00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:33,577
(CHUCKLES)
Your roommate seems pretty cool.
369
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:36,747
Oh, she's my sister.
370
00:16:37,456 --> 00:16:38,624
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
371
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:41,960
Uh, then I think I might have pissed
in your sister's litter box.
372
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:44,672
That's a Zen garden.
373
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,423
The cat has a Zen garden?
374
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,110
- ALICE: There's no cat.
- (MAN GROANS)
375
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:49,468
Where am I?
376
00:16:49,635 --> 00:16:51,762
I knew I had sex in this apartment!
377
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:53,305
- Oh, yeah.
- What's up?
378
00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:56,433
- Okay, where are we?
- (SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
379
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,561
- Um, Broadway and 77th.
- Um...
380
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:02,528
We have to be at work in 30 minutes,
so we should probably go this way.
381
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:04,358
It's okay, I can do this in 20.
382
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,693
- Wait, do what?
- Let's go.
383
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,194
- Wait, do what?
- Time me!
384
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,323
Step one.
385
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,950
That stuff is for babies.
386
00:17:13,242 --> 00:17:14,243
Babies with hangovers.
387
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,538
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
388
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:20,249
(SNORTS)
389
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,502
Baba, are we good?
390
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,797
Payment accepted. Let's go.
391
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,301
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
392
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:51,989
Hi!
393
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:53,866
Yeah, hi. I'm really interested
394
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:55,492
in buying a lot of your products but first
395
00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:58,162
I need you to put all of them on my face,
396
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,289
in a very nice way, for free.
397
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:03,709
I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."
398
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:04,877
Okay.
399
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,256
Mimosa, hold the orange juice.
400
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:11,175
Here. Come on. Gimme.
401
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,261
(HAIR DRYER HISSING)
402
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,397
Nailed it.
403
00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,274
You're three-and-a-half hours late.
404
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:29,777
Yay! Lunchtime!
405
00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:32,780
MEG: And don't worry about the weight.
406
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,026
It should come off
after you stop nursing the infant.
407
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,035
- Katie. That's her name.
- Oh, okay.
408
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:39,802
- Oh, no. I have to pee.
- (KATIE CRYING)
409
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,497
It just falls out of me these days.
410
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:42,664
- Can you hold...
- No, no, no, no, no.
411
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:44,208
I'm not good with babies.
412
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:48,796
Hello. How are you today?
413
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,757
Your mom should be coming back soon.
414
00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:55,093
Is, um, Katie short for Katherine?
415
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:59,640
See, some women
would look at what you just did
416
00:18:59,807 --> 00:19:01,350
and think that you smiled.
417
00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:03,101
But, because I'm a doctor,
418
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:07,773
I know that that was probably
just an involuntary tic, or gas.
419
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:10,567
You know what?
420
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,444
(WHISPERS) You're not that cute,
421
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:14,696
and I am not falling for it.
422
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:18,242
So, you just keep trying, but it is "no."
423
00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:19,910
(LAUGHS)
424
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:22,871
- (GURGLES)
- Shut up, baby.
425
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:26,208
And, you know what? Don't touch that,
because that's not very sanitary.
426
00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:27,918
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
427
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:31,129
Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes
428
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:34,216
that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.
429
00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:37,177
- (COOING)
- So, you eat your shoe.
430
00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:38,929
(KISSING)
431
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:40,430
(GASPS)
432
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,767
You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.
433
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,478
Why do you put everything in your mouth?
434
00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:49,982
Hello. Hi.
435
00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:02,286
MEG: And so we're clear,
436
00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:04,246
there are a lot of people in this world
437
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,748
who need things like you in their lives,
438
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,458
to feel complete.
439
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:12,963
I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.
440
00:20:26,977 --> 00:20:28,562
Fine. You win.
441
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:36,028
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
442
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:42,868
If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,
443
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:44,494
wait four hours to respond.
444
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,747
(SCOFFS) I was not
even thinking about Tom.
445
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:49,124
Anything sooner implies
that you're needy and really co-dependent
446
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:50,459
and incapable of a simple hookup,
447
00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:51,793
which is all he's good for.
448
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,629
I think that I could actually
be, like, a good...
449
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,547
And, when you respond,
do not respond in full sentences.
450
00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:56,715
Okay.
451
00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:58,675
And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.
452
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:00,010
Fine.
453
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,261
Fine.
454
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:02,846
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
455
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,399
(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.
456
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,326
You can have this back
at the end of the day.
457
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,444
Fine.
458
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:18,862
An emoji?
459
00:21:19,154 --> 00:21:22,532
(GASPS)
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
460
00:21:23,492 --> 00:21:25,012
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (BOTH PANTING)
461
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:27,079
- This is so dumb.
- Okay.
462
00:21:27,245 --> 00:21:28,664
It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.
463
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:29,831
Sure.
464
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:31,124
And I'm not gonna be
one of those clichéd girls
465
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,793
who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.
466
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,044
- No, you can't.
- No.
467
00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:35,712
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
468
00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:43,637
(SIGHS) I'm telling you.
469
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,682
Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.
470
00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:49,309
Think about it,
the whole love thing, the whole,
471
00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:51,353
"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."
472
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,640
It's nice when a guy notices
473
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:54,049
when you're cold. It means he's...
474
00:21:54,106 --> 00:21:56,191
It means he's faking it,
475
00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,901
because he knows
that's what you want to hear.
476
00:21:58,068 --> 00:21:59,748
So, instead of being a psycho who pretends
477
00:21:59,820 --> 00:22:01,238
that I give a shit if you're cold,
478
00:22:01,405 --> 00:22:03,156
I tell everyone the same thing.
479
00:22:03,323 --> 00:22:05,617
"If you're looking for the one,
that's not me.
480
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:09,621
"If you're looking for the one
to have a little fun with, I'm that one."
481
00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:12,708
- Oh.
- Yep. (SIGHS)
482
00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:16,378
- Whew!
- I've always been in relationships.
483
00:22:16,962 --> 00:22:18,964
But, I guess
that's just because I actually
484
00:22:19,131 --> 00:22:21,174
don't really know how to stay single.
485
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:22,718
Then you came to the right place.
486
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:26,388
The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.
487
00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:27,639
That way, nobody gets hurt.
488
00:22:27,806 --> 00:22:28,807
Check this out.
489
00:22:29,141 --> 00:22:30,861
What do all these things
have in common? Go.
490
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:34,229
Um, ketchup and beer.
491
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,064
Pickles, chocolate sauce.
492
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,607
Are you pregnant?
493
00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:40,152
No, they can't be used to make breakfast.
494
00:22:40,318 --> 00:22:41,611
There's no reason
to stick around in the morning,
495
00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:42,946
because you can't make an omelet.
496
00:22:43,113 --> 00:22:45,198
Plus, no water. So, hungover chicks...
497
00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:47,409
You got to leave to survive.
498
00:22:47,576 --> 00:22:49,256
Except for that New York
water is delicious
499
00:22:49,286 --> 00:22:50,846
and you can just drink it from the tap.
500
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:52,789
Yeah. But, uh...
501
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:55,459
From... What...
502
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,627
- Glass?
- Wow!
503
00:22:57,961 --> 00:22:58,962
You're a piece of work.
504
00:22:59,296 --> 00:23:00,297
Mmm-hmm.
505
00:23:03,467 --> 00:23:04,468
Glass.
506
00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:08,138
Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...
507
00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:13,393
You had a plumber cut your water?
508
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,479
No. I did it myself.
509
00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:16,730
What if you need to wash your hands?
510
00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:18,023
What am I, a surgeon?
511
00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:19,775
What if you get thirsty?
512
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:21,568
(TOM SIGHS)
513
00:23:22,611 --> 00:23:24,154
- Nice. Well done.
- Yeah, right?
514
00:23:24,321 --> 00:23:25,655
Totally thought it was a nightstand,
didn't you?
515
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,074
You're a psycho.
516
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,117
I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,
517
00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:30,744
they're just not honest about it.
518
00:23:30,911 --> 00:23:32,079
I'm telling you,
519
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,706
this is what it's like out there.
520
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,459
- Why are you telling me this?
- (DOOR RATTLES)
521
00:23:37,918 --> 00:23:38,919
I don't know.
522
00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:42,422
It's just... You're different.
523
00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:49,144
Oh, my God.
That's the thing you say to girls.
524
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:50,430
Yes, it is. Works, though, right?
525
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:51,598
Completely.
526
00:23:51,807 --> 00:23:53,016
Anyway, end of the tour.
527
00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:55,685
And, um, this was fun.
528
00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:01,983
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- See you.
529
00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:19,459
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
530
00:24:25,257 --> 00:24:26,258
Hi.
531
00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:30,554
- (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)
532
00:24:32,055 --> 00:24:33,056
(JOSH GRUNTS)
533
00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,351
Uh, mimosa?
534
00:24:36,852 --> 00:24:39,521
Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.
535
00:24:39,688 --> 00:24:42,732
So, I'm probably not gonna start drinking
at 8:30 on a Thursday.
536
00:24:43,191 --> 00:24:47,070
Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.
537
00:24:47,404 --> 00:24:50,407
Um, I got us chocolate chip pancakes
for the table, like we used to.
538
00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:54,327
(CHUCKLES) Um, cool.
I don't have a lot of time, so...
539
00:24:54,494 --> 00:24:56,454
Okay, no, then I'll just get right to it.
540
00:24:58,248 --> 00:25:01,251
I'm done. I'm... I'm finally done.
541
00:25:02,961 --> 00:25:04,546
What? What are you done with?
542
00:25:04,713 --> 00:25:05,839
With our time apart.
543
00:25:06,006 --> 00:25:07,132
I know it's been really difficult.
544
00:25:07,299 --> 00:25:08,675
It's been difficult on both of us.
545
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:12,554
But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.
546
00:25:12,888 --> 00:25:15,182
And I'll never have to wonder
about anything else.
547
00:25:16,433 --> 00:25:17,434
I'm seeing someone.
548
00:25:19,186 --> 00:25:20,187
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
549
00:25:20,937 --> 00:25:22,022
That is...
550
00:25:22,189 --> 00:25:23,231
Congratulations.
551
00:25:24,608 --> 00:25:25,609
ALICE: Um...
552
00:25:25,859 --> 00:25:28,320
So, then, so, Josh, you want to just,
553
00:25:28,486 --> 00:25:30,280
like, tell me when you're done, then?
554
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:32,032
I don't know, Alice.
555
00:25:32,199 --> 00:25:34,119
Like, we can...
We'll just wait till you're done.
556
00:25:34,826 --> 00:25:35,952
Shit's different, I'm not...
557
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,581
I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.
558
00:25:39,915 --> 00:25:40,916
(CHUCKLES)
559
00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:45,420
You mean, like, me?
560
00:25:48,506 --> 00:25:50,842
I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.
561
00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:54,137
And I'm not an idiot.
562
00:25:54,304 --> 00:25:58,099
You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing
563
00:25:58,266 --> 00:26:00,644
with whoever you've been doing,
564
00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,896
and you think you can come
running back to me?
565
00:26:03,063 --> 00:26:05,857
No, thanks. I'll pass.
566
00:26:09,069 --> 00:26:10,320
WAITER: Who ordered pancakes?
567
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:15,367
ALICE: Meg, I'm not
ready to be alone. I'm not.
568
00:26:15,659 --> 00:26:17,285
I don't know how to reset my router.
569
00:26:17,494 --> 00:26:18,495
I don't even know where it is.
570
00:26:18,662 --> 00:26:20,580
I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.
571
00:26:21,414 --> 00:26:22,791
I'm gonna be alone forever.
572
00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:26,586
At least my dead body
will serve as food for my cats.
573
00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:30,382
In the eight weeks that it
takes for anybody to find me,
574
00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:32,175
because nobody gives a fuck.
575
00:26:32,342 --> 00:26:34,511
Why are you watching Bridget Jones?
576
00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:35,804
- (SNIFFLING)
- What did I tell you?
577
00:26:35,971 --> 00:26:37,180
It feels good in the moment.
578
00:26:37,347 --> 00:26:39,891
I know, but it's a bad idea.
579
00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:44,187
You get yourself all hopped up
on Sex and the City and Bridget Jones
580
00:26:44,354 --> 00:26:47,524
and thinking that you need to have some
big single experience.
581
00:26:47,691 --> 00:26:50,694
- Which, by the way, is total bullshit.
- No.
582
00:26:50,860 --> 00:26:52,862
All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.
583
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:56,616
And this is a great thing,
because now you can focus on your career.
584
00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:58,952
What? No! I put myself out,
into the world,
585
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:00,870
and it completely rejected me.
586
00:27:01,204 --> 00:27:02,205
- (CORK POPS)
- Whoa!
587
00:27:02,706 --> 00:27:05,292
Okay, you haven't been single
for that long!
588
00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:06,459
Yeah.
589
00:27:06,626 --> 00:27:09,963
You got to go around the board,
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.
590
00:27:10,130 --> 00:27:11,131
MEG: And you remember
591
00:27:11,298 --> 00:27:13,466
the best thing that ever happened to me
592
00:27:13,633 --> 00:27:15,427
was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.
593
00:27:15,593 --> 00:27:17,304
Please don't tell
the medical school story.
594
00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:19,190
And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,
595
00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:21,599
cheated on me with my lab partner,
596
00:27:21,766 --> 00:27:25,270
because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.
597
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:26,646
Did it involve midgets?
598
00:27:27,731 --> 00:27:28,732
No.
599
00:27:30,150 --> 00:27:32,110
I once slept with an albino.
600
00:27:32,277 --> 00:27:35,071
Anyway, the good news is, now there are...
601
00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:36,878
BOTH: 3,000 beautiful babies in the world
602
00:27:37,032 --> 00:27:38,199
and no one can take that away
603
00:27:38,408 --> 00:27:39,409
- from me.
- from her.
604
00:27:39,576 --> 00:27:41,453
Why don't you go
to one of those alumni events?
605
00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:42,620
An alumni event?
606
00:27:42,787 --> 00:27:45,206
You go, and you network with people
607
00:27:45,373 --> 00:27:48,335
and if you really love what you do
608
00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:51,379
then the whole guy thing is easier.
609
00:27:51,588 --> 00:27:53,715
No! I don't want to be like you, Meg.
610
00:27:53,882 --> 00:27:56,301
I don't want my job to be my entire life.
611
00:27:56,551 --> 00:27:57,552
ROBIN: Ooh.
612
00:27:57,761 --> 00:27:59,929
Okay. Sisters, time-out.
613
00:28:00,889 --> 00:28:04,434
There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?
614
00:28:04,601 --> 00:28:07,187
Pros. Young, beautiful.
615
00:28:07,354 --> 00:28:10,190
Pros. Also beautiful, for your age.
616
00:28:10,357 --> 00:28:12,609
Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.
617
00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:14,527
Cons. No access to pills.
618
00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:16,529
Cons. You're really stingy with the pills.
619
00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:17,739
Right.
620
00:28:17,906 --> 00:28:19,282
Pros. Loves me unconditionally.
621
00:28:19,449 --> 00:28:21,159
Gives me the spare key to the apartment.
622
00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:22,646
Has a very nice underwear drawer.
623
00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:24,037
Very neat and organized.
624
00:28:24,204 --> 00:28:25,455
You have a key to my apartment?
625
00:28:25,622 --> 00:28:27,290
Cons. Asks too many personal questions.
626
00:28:28,291 --> 00:28:33,296
Okay. I'm gonna take my old, lonely,
workaholic ass back to the hospital.
627
00:28:36,549 --> 00:28:39,177
Cons. Ugly when sad.
628
00:28:39,719 --> 00:28:41,262
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
629
00:28:46,684 --> 00:28:49,729
- Hey, did you bring a sandwich from home?
- Mmm.
630
00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:52,524
Are you wearing pajamas in a bar?
631
00:28:52,690 --> 00:28:53,691
They're sweatpants.
632
00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:54,859
I think you're bumming some people out.
633
00:28:55,026 --> 00:28:57,070
You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.
634
00:28:57,237 --> 00:28:58,238
Leave me alone.
635
00:28:58,405 --> 00:29:01,324
(LAUGHING) I love this bar.
636
00:29:01,491 --> 00:29:02,909
Lucy?
637
00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:05,328
BRITTANY: Lucy?
638
00:29:05,495 --> 00:29:06,496
Hi!
639
00:29:07,247 --> 00:29:08,540
Oh, my God!
640
00:29:08,706 --> 00:29:10,333
Brittany! Hi!
641
00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:11,835
- How are you?
- How are you?
642
00:29:12,085 --> 00:29:13,086
I'm getting married!
643
00:29:13,253 --> 00:29:14,893
- She's getting married!
- (ALL SHRIEKING)
644
00:29:15,088 --> 00:29:18,341
That is just the best news
I've ever heard in my entire life!
645
00:29:18,508 --> 00:29:19,676
Oh, yay!
646
00:29:19,843 --> 00:29:20,885
How old are your kids?
647
00:29:21,261 --> 00:29:22,512
No. (CHUCKLES)
648
00:29:23,179 --> 00:29:25,974
I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.
649
00:29:26,850 --> 00:29:28,226
But not in, like, a sad way.
650
00:29:28,393 --> 00:29:30,311
It's more like a volunteer thing?
651
00:29:30,770 --> 00:29:31,771
ALL: Oh. Oh.
652
00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:33,648
Yeah. Yeah.
653
00:29:33,815 --> 00:29:34,941
So, are you married?
654
00:29:35,233 --> 00:29:36,484
No. (CHUCKLES) No.
655
00:29:36,651 --> 00:29:37,652
Dating anyone?
656
00:29:37,861 --> 00:29:39,070
Afraid not.
657
00:29:39,237 --> 00:29:40,530
Are you divorced?
658
00:29:40,697 --> 00:29:42,407
(GASPS) No, no one's ever loved me enough
659
00:29:42,574 --> 00:29:44,409
to eventually divorce me.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
660
00:29:44,784 --> 00:29:47,370
You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...
661
00:29:47,537 --> 00:29:51,374
I'm not even a good loser, yet. (MUMBLING)
662
00:29:51,916 --> 00:29:53,460
Oh, my God, are those penis straws?
663
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:55,795
You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!
664
00:29:55,962 --> 00:29:56,963
Hi...
665
00:30:00,717 --> 00:30:01,968
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
666
00:30:05,638 --> 00:30:06,764
Hey, baby.
667
00:30:08,224 --> 00:30:09,559
This is, um...
668
00:30:09,726 --> 00:30:12,812
It's all right, you can say it.
Miss Independent right here, right?
669
00:30:12,979 --> 00:30:13,980
I'm her boyfriend.
670
00:30:14,230 --> 00:30:15,690
- ALL: Oh...
- He's your boyfriend.
671
00:30:15,899 --> 00:30:16,979
LUCY: This is my boyfriend.
672
00:30:17,066 --> 00:30:19,777
God, doesn't she look smoking hot
in these sweatpants?
673
00:30:19,944 --> 00:30:21,946
Oh, wow, that's so sweet.
674
00:30:22,113 --> 00:30:24,157
This is Brittany.
She's getting married, obviously.
675
00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,366
Oh, you're the one getting married.
676
00:30:25,575 --> 00:30:27,243
- Marriage!
- (ALL CHEERING)
677
00:30:27,619 --> 00:30:29,746
The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself
678
00:30:29,913 --> 00:30:32,633
and buying whatever you want
without having to ask permission, right?
679
00:30:34,334 --> 00:30:35,793
Marriage! (LAUGHS)
680
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,838
Congratulations, good luck with it.
I hope it lasts.
681
00:30:39,631 --> 00:30:41,674
Sorry. No filter.
682
00:30:44,636 --> 00:30:46,679
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
683
00:30:56,523 --> 00:30:58,274
(LAUGHING)
684
00:31:03,530 --> 00:31:06,032
Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.
685
00:31:06,199 --> 00:31:08,701
Oh, my God. No, no, that was awesome!
686
00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:11,788
Thank you so much! Good night.
687
00:31:14,624 --> 00:31:16,793
(GLASSES CLANKING AND RATTLING)
688
00:31:25,093 --> 00:31:26,803
(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)
689
00:31:47,615 --> 00:31:48,616
(SIGHS)
690
00:31:50,785 --> 00:31:51,786
(GROANING)
691
00:32:00,878 --> 00:32:03,047
Come on, you fucking bitch.
692
00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,091
Hey.
693
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:08,845
Sorry. Was that supposed to be
a private moment?
694
00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:10,471
I can't get my zipper.
695
00:32:12,974 --> 00:32:14,294
I'm sorry for what I said to you.
696
00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:15,435
What?
697
00:32:15,602 --> 00:32:16,769
I said, I'm sorry for what I said to you.
698
00:32:16,936 --> 00:32:17,937
Can't hear you.
699
00:32:19,522 --> 00:32:22,859
I said I'm sorry for what I
said to you! (CHUCKLES)
700
00:32:26,154 --> 00:32:27,989
- (SIGHS)
- What?
701
00:32:28,573 --> 00:32:30,491
I'm gonna have a baby.
702
00:32:30,658 --> 00:32:32,368
- What?
- I found a sperm donor.
703
00:32:32,535 --> 00:32:34,621
This guy. He's of Swedish descent.
704
00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:36,307
- Oh, my God.
- He has no known cancers
705
00:32:36,414 --> 00:32:39,125
on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse.
706
00:32:39,292 --> 00:32:41,377
No history of any kind
of mental illness, or...
707
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:42,920
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
708
00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,922
- Oh, my God.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
709
00:32:46,299 --> 00:32:47,634
I know.
710
00:32:48,217 --> 00:32:49,636
Wait. Do you think it's a bad idea?
711
00:32:49,802 --> 00:32:51,482
Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?
712
00:32:51,512 --> 00:32:53,032
No, but... Wait, when do you meet him?
713
00:32:53,181 --> 00:32:54,182
That's the best part.
714
00:32:54,349 --> 00:32:57,644
I never, ever have to meet him,
or any of his family.
715
00:32:57,810 --> 00:32:59,604
There's no strings attached at all.
716
00:32:59,771 --> 00:33:01,272
Nothing. Is that crazy?
717
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:03,983
No. Oh, my God, you're gonna have a baby.
718
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:06,027
- I know!
- You're gonna have a baby!
719
00:33:06,611 --> 00:33:08,363
- (LAUGHS)
- I'm so happy for you.
720
00:33:08,655 --> 00:33:10,573
You'll always be my baby first.
721
00:33:11,741 --> 00:33:14,160
But you do need to grow up.
722
00:33:14,952 --> 00:33:16,632
And you do need to move out
by this Friday.
723
00:33:16,663 --> 00:33:17,664
What?
724
00:33:17,872 --> 00:33:19,472
The co-op board found out you were here.
725
00:33:19,624 --> 00:33:21,542
Is this a bad idea? Would you tell me?
726
00:33:21,709 --> 00:33:23,795
No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.
727
00:33:23,961 --> 00:33:25,213
Wait. Just go back.
728
00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:27,780
What was that thing
that you just said about the co-op board?
729
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,050
You need to be out by Friday.
730
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:32,136
But you're allowed to have guests.
731
00:33:32,303 --> 00:33:36,015
Yes. But my guests aren't allowed
to slide down the trash chute, naked.
732
00:33:36,182 --> 00:33:38,101
I didn't go naked down the...
733
00:33:38,768 --> 00:33:40,311
Oh. (GULPS)
734
00:33:40,853 --> 00:33:42,438
- Robin did that.
- Mmm-hmm.
735
00:33:43,147 --> 00:33:45,441
I've seen security footage. And it just...
736
00:33:45,650 --> 00:33:46,859
- (EXCLAIMS)
- Hmm.
737
00:33:47,777 --> 00:33:49,278
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
738
00:34:06,129 --> 00:34:07,338
- I don't know.
- (CHEERS)
739
00:34:07,672 --> 00:34:09,048
It seems kind of homey,
740
00:34:09,215 --> 00:34:10,967
like you'd actually
want to spend time here.
741
00:34:12,427 --> 00:34:14,262
Oh, this could be a reading window.
742
00:34:14,429 --> 00:34:16,264
Reading is for ugly losers.
743
00:34:16,431 --> 00:34:18,071
(EXHALES) I don't know. I really like it.
744
00:34:18,099 --> 00:34:19,642
Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!
745
00:34:19,809 --> 00:34:20,852
BROKER: Wait! No, don't do that!
746
00:34:21,018 --> 00:34:22,979
That just... That just fell off.
747
00:34:23,146 --> 00:34:24,272
I think I'm gonna take it.
748
00:34:24,439 --> 00:34:25,773
ROBIN: This place is dangerous.
749
00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:27,233
It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)
750
00:34:27,483 --> 00:34:30,111
- Don't let that... Don't...
- (CLANGS)
751
00:34:30,820 --> 00:34:32,947
- Did that just break?
- Yeah.
752
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,700
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
753
00:34:56,179 --> 00:34:57,180
(CUTLERY CLANKS)
754
00:35:34,258 --> 00:35:35,885
(YAWNS) Good night.
755
00:35:40,056 --> 00:35:41,390
That was weird.
756
00:35:44,310 --> 00:35:45,478
Maybe you should just leave it in there.
757
00:35:45,645 --> 00:35:46,938
Maybe you shouldn't shake it like that.
758
00:35:47,104 --> 00:35:48,523
What, it's gonna make the pee go in there.
759
00:35:48,689 --> 00:35:51,067
No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.
760
00:35:51,275 --> 00:35:53,069
I'm gonna be the best auntie, ever. I am.
761
00:35:53,277 --> 00:35:54,779
I'm gonna give that kid whatever it wants.
762
00:35:54,946 --> 00:35:56,531
Forever. All the sugar in the world.
763
00:35:56,697 --> 00:35:57,949
Don't get your hopes up, okay?
764
00:35:58,115 --> 00:35:59,784
Because it never works on the first time.
765
00:35:59,951 --> 00:36:01,471
- It's too late.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
766
00:36:05,081 --> 00:36:06,082
Mmm.
767
00:36:06,749 --> 00:36:08,793
See? I told you.
768
00:36:09,544 --> 00:36:10,753
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
769
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,256
No, it always... This is...
770
00:36:13,422 --> 00:36:15,883
It doesn't usually work
on the first time, like I said.
771
00:36:16,425 --> 00:36:17,760
What?
772
00:36:22,098 --> 00:36:24,892
I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.
773
00:36:26,853 --> 00:36:28,053
Are you drinking enough water?
774
00:36:28,145 --> 00:36:30,523
Your lips are really dry,
which means you're dehydrated.
775
00:36:31,649 --> 00:36:33,317
I'll go get you some water.
776
00:36:37,864 --> 00:36:39,782
(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
777
00:36:40,783 --> 00:36:43,143
These plums are available through
late summer, early autumn.
778
00:36:43,286 --> 00:36:44,287
JOSH: Alice!
779
00:36:44,495 --> 00:36:47,575
WOMAN: (ON TV) And they're just wonderful,
they're called Italian prune plums.
780
00:36:49,292 --> 00:36:50,543
So, we're gonna make
a little bit of caramel
781
00:36:50,710 --> 00:36:53,421
with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.
782
00:36:53,588 --> 00:36:54,797
I'm just gonna cook it over medium heat
783
00:36:54,964 --> 00:36:56,841
until it's nice
and caramelized and brown...
784
00:36:57,008 --> 00:36:58,050
JOSH: Alice!
785
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,556
- Hi.
- Hi.
786
00:37:03,723 --> 00:37:04,807
My buzzer's broken.
787
00:37:04,974 --> 00:37:07,518
It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.
788
00:37:07,727 --> 00:37:09,687
- (CHUCKLES)
- That was bad. Can I come up?
789
00:37:09,854 --> 00:37:10,855
Yeah.
790
00:37:13,482 --> 00:37:14,483
(JANGLES)
791
00:37:18,654 --> 00:37:21,014
WOMAN: (ON TV) If you want to
make this cake another time...
792
00:37:25,286 --> 00:37:26,412
(UTENSILS CLATTERING)
793
00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:31,000
(CLATTERING)
794
00:37:34,879 --> 00:37:35,880
Hey.
795
00:37:36,088 --> 00:37:37,298
Hey.
796
00:37:37,465 --> 00:37:38,591
It's good to see you.
797
00:37:38,758 --> 00:37:41,302
So good to see you. What's up?
798
00:37:41,886 --> 00:37:44,846
Well, I was going through my closet,
and I found a bunch of your old stuff,
799
00:37:44,931 --> 00:37:47,016
so I thought you might want it.
800
00:37:47,850 --> 00:37:48,851
(CHUCKLES)
801
00:37:51,354 --> 00:37:53,856
I could've come by to get this.
802
00:37:54,398 --> 00:37:57,652
Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um...
803
00:37:58,486 --> 00:38:00,279
That's part of why I wanted to come over.
804
00:38:00,529 --> 00:38:01,530
- Uh...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
805
00:38:02,073 --> 00:38:05,868
So, Michelle is moving in tomorrow.
806
00:38:06,786 --> 00:38:09,038
- So...
- Wow!
807
00:38:10,623 --> 00:38:12,500
- Michelle.
- (TAPS)
808
00:38:13,292 --> 00:38:14,293
She's got a name and everything.
809
00:38:14,460 --> 00:38:15,461
She's got a name.
810
00:38:15,628 --> 00:38:16,671
Well, technically,
she's always had a name.
811
00:38:16,921 --> 00:38:18,631
- Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, her lease was up
812
00:38:18,798 --> 00:38:20,198
and I was with this Craigslist guy,
813
00:38:20,257 --> 00:38:21,592
- and he started stealing my socks.
- Mmm-hmm.
814
00:38:21,759 --> 00:38:22,843
And so, it just made sense.
815
00:38:23,010 --> 00:38:24,637
- It makes sense.
- And we're excited.
816
00:38:24,804 --> 00:38:26,889
Mmm-hmm. We are. You said "we." Okay.
817
00:38:27,056 --> 00:38:28,057
So...
818
00:38:28,265 --> 00:38:30,017
So let me give you the tour.
819
00:38:30,184 --> 00:38:31,310
Um, this is the kitchen.
820
00:38:31,477 --> 00:38:33,062
This is the dining room.
821
00:38:33,229 --> 00:38:38,275
This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.
822
00:38:38,442 --> 00:38:40,277
And are you working on your Spanish?
823
00:38:41,487 --> 00:38:44,198
Oh, that's been that way since I moved in,
and I don't know how to fix it.
824
00:38:44,365 --> 00:38:46,117
And now I don't know
what the world would be like
825
00:38:46,283 --> 00:38:47,868
if it wasn't in Spanish.
826
00:38:52,331 --> 00:38:53,749
It's pretty easy, you know, it's...
827
00:39:01,674 --> 00:39:02,800
Alice.
828
00:39:03,300 --> 00:39:05,886
- (SNIFFLES) You're so handy.
- (SIGHS)
829
00:39:07,638 --> 00:39:08,639
Alice.
830
00:39:08,806 --> 00:39:10,808
Michelle is a really lucky girl.
831
00:39:11,475 --> 00:39:12,476
(CHUCKLES)
832
00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:15,730
I didn't expect for this to happen.
833
00:39:16,731 --> 00:39:17,732
I just...
834
00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:24,822
I stopped comparing everyone to you
and then I met someone pretty great.
835
00:39:26,407 --> 00:39:28,034
I'm super happy for you.
836
00:39:29,326 --> 00:39:30,453
Yeah, I can see that.
837
00:39:31,954 --> 00:39:35,041
Alice. All right.
838
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,460
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- I'm gonna go.
839
00:39:37,626 --> 00:39:38,627
Okay. (SNIFFLES)
840
00:39:39,962 --> 00:39:41,839
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
841
00:39:53,392 --> 00:39:55,102
You need to move on.
842
00:39:57,313 --> 00:39:58,481
Fine.
843
00:39:59,482 --> 00:40:03,194
Uh, no going backwards, only forwards.
You can't sleep with Tom again.
844
00:40:03,444 --> 00:40:05,124
Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going
845
00:40:05,279 --> 00:40:07,156
to a different bar, girlfriend.
846
00:40:07,323 --> 00:40:11,243
No, you'll be fine,
just don't hit your drink number with him.
847
00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:13,537
What's my drink number?
848
00:40:13,704 --> 00:40:15,706
In every male-female friendship,
849
00:40:15,873 --> 00:40:17,625
there's a total number of drinks
850
00:40:17,792 --> 00:40:20,377
and if you hit that,
it means you will definitely have sex.
851
00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:22,544
So, how many drinks does it take
to get you wasted?
852
00:40:22,588 --> 00:40:23,589
Two and a half
853
00:40:23,756 --> 00:40:25,841
- but maybe three, if I've eaten.
- Three.
854
00:40:26,008 --> 00:40:27,676
Okay, and Tom's is eight.
855
00:40:27,927 --> 00:40:30,638
So, you can't hit eleven drinks
between the two of you.
856
00:40:30,805 --> 00:40:32,723
- Okay.
- Not one for you, 10 for him.
857
00:40:33,224 --> 00:40:35,059
Not six for him, five for you.
858
00:40:35,267 --> 00:40:37,812
If I had more than five drinks,
I'd hook up with you.
859
00:40:37,978 --> 00:40:39,522
My drink number is 27.
860
00:40:39,688 --> 00:40:40,689
What?
861
00:40:40,898 --> 00:40:43,109
I wouldn't even touch myself
on less than 24.
862
00:40:43,317 --> 00:40:44,360
That's...
863
00:40:45,444 --> 00:40:47,279
What are you doing? Stop.
864
00:40:47,446 --> 00:40:49,156
- What is that?
- Stop.
865
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:51,700
(SCREAMS)
866
00:40:52,034 --> 00:40:53,077
Oh, my God.
867
00:40:53,244 --> 00:40:54,245
I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.
868
00:40:54,453 --> 00:40:55,538
It's actually really cold.
869
00:40:55,704 --> 00:40:56,705
You have LTRP.
870
00:40:56,872 --> 00:40:59,041
- Oh, my God. I do?
- Yeah.
871
00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:00,918
Tom gave it to me. For sure.
872
00:41:01,085 --> 00:41:02,336
Wait. What's LTRP?
873
00:41:02,503 --> 00:41:03,796
Long-Term Relationship Pussy.
874
00:41:03,963 --> 00:41:05,673
You really need to get that taken care of.
875
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:07,716
What do you mean? I barely have any hair.
876
00:41:07,883 --> 00:41:10,845
It's like you dropped your hairbrush
and your vagina caught it.
877
00:41:11,011 --> 00:41:13,451
I could make dreadlocks with that bush
and form a reggae band.
878
00:41:13,806 --> 00:41:16,058
That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.
879
00:41:16,308 --> 00:41:18,727
It's like Gandalf is staring right at me.
880
00:41:19,353 --> 00:41:22,022
(MIMICS GANDALF) "No penis shall pass!"
881
00:41:22,189 --> 00:41:24,400
You've ruined so many things for me.
882
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:26,020
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
883
00:41:36,579 --> 00:41:38,179
- (SIGHS)
- (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
884
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,961
Hi.
885
00:41:44,128 --> 00:41:45,880
Hi. What are you here for?
886
00:41:46,505 --> 00:41:51,051
Um, I am here to
finally put myself out there.
887
00:41:51,218 --> 00:41:54,221
Like, in a real way. You know?
888
00:41:54,388 --> 00:41:57,224
Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.
889
00:41:57,391 --> 00:41:58,392
Yeah.
890
00:41:58,601 --> 00:42:01,353
No, I was asking
what event are you here for?
891
00:42:01,645 --> 00:42:03,022
Oh, um...
892
00:42:03,689 --> 00:42:04,732
Oh, my God.
893
00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:07,026
The Wesleyan Alumni Networking Event.
894
00:42:07,193 --> 00:42:08,235
Cool.
895
00:42:10,029 --> 00:42:11,280
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
896
00:42:19,163 --> 00:42:20,164
Oh, I'm sorry.
897
00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:21,415
Sorry, sorry.
898
00:42:21,832 --> 00:42:23,459
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
899
00:42:23,626 --> 00:42:24,627
Oh, my God, we're...
900
00:42:24,793 --> 00:42:27,004
(SINGING KATY PERRY SONG PEACOCK)
901
00:42:31,091 --> 00:42:32,092
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
902
00:42:44,563 --> 00:42:47,066
Hey. Get back over there,
you're screwing up the harmonies.
903
00:42:47,650 --> 00:42:48,651
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
904
00:42:49,193 --> 00:42:50,833
- I'm David Stone, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
905
00:42:50,903 --> 00:42:52,029
Hey, I'm Alice.
906
00:42:52,363 --> 00:42:53,364
Alice...
907
00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:54,823
- Kepley.
- Kepley.
908
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,750
- It's not as good as Stone.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
909
00:42:57,117 --> 00:42:58,597
Do you want one of my business cards?
910
00:42:58,661 --> 00:43:01,372
Or maybe 400 of them,
so you could tile your bathroom?
911
00:43:01,538 --> 00:43:02,539
Well, what's on them?
912
00:43:02,706 --> 00:43:04,708
Um, my Social Security Number,
913
00:43:04,875 --> 00:43:07,461
my mom's maiden name, my ATM PIN.
914
00:43:07,628 --> 00:43:08,629
That's what goes on these, right?
915
00:43:08,837 --> 00:43:10,677
- Absolutely, the essentials.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
916
00:43:10,881 --> 00:43:12,049
What do you do?
917
00:43:12,424 --> 00:43:13,592
Um, I'm a paralegal.
918
00:43:13,759 --> 00:43:14,760
Okay.
919
00:43:14,927 --> 00:43:16,303
At Brown, Light and Finkelstein.
920
00:43:16,470 --> 00:43:18,973
- Is that 144 Wall Street?
- Yeah.
921
00:43:19,139 --> 00:43:20,557
Yeah, I have the building right next door.
922
00:43:20,766 --> 00:43:22,142
You "have" the building?
923
00:43:22,309 --> 00:43:24,853
Like, in a Fantasy Building League?
924
00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:27,106
No. Um, I don't "have" the building,
925
00:43:27,273 --> 00:43:28,816
- I kind of own it.
- Oh.
926
00:43:28,983 --> 00:43:30,317
There's no way to make that sound right.
927
00:43:30,484 --> 00:43:32,319
I'm a developer, so, it's not just me.
928
00:43:32,486 --> 00:43:33,886
It's like a group of people, but...
929
00:43:33,988 --> 00:43:35,572
That's like a real-ass job, man.
930
00:43:35,739 --> 00:43:37,199
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.
931
00:43:37,366 --> 00:43:38,367
(BOTH LAUGHING)
932
00:43:39,702 --> 00:43:40,703
Oh, your team.
933
00:43:40,911 --> 00:43:42,371
We really need to work on our repertoire.
934
00:43:42,538 --> 00:43:44,623
- Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
- Is it?
935
00:43:44,790 --> 00:43:48,627
Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.
936
00:43:48,836 --> 00:43:50,116
- (LAUGHS)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
937
00:43:51,422 --> 00:43:52,798
I'm sorry, it's my daughter.
938
00:43:52,965 --> 00:43:54,383
Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.
939
00:43:54,550 --> 00:43:56,969
I mean, I'm a... I'm... A daughter.
940
00:43:57,136 --> 00:43:58,696
- It was great to meet you.
- (CHUCKLES)
941
00:43:58,846 --> 00:44:00,347
Bye. Yeah.
942
00:44:00,514 --> 00:44:02,850
- (CONTINUE SINGING)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
943
00:44:07,187 --> 00:44:08,772
MEG: Okay, 30 more seconds.
944
00:44:09,648 --> 00:44:10,649
Twenty-seven.
945
00:44:11,275 --> 00:44:13,777
It said three to 10 minutes,
is that right?
946
00:44:14,445 --> 00:44:15,821
I'm doing this in solidarity.
947
00:44:15,988 --> 00:44:18,699
Guys. Mine's positive.
948
00:44:19,825 --> 00:44:21,160
- What?
- What?
949
00:44:21,869 --> 00:44:22,870
Wait.
950
00:44:23,203 --> 00:44:25,539
I'm taking a drug test.
Is that what you guys are doing?
951
00:44:25,956 --> 00:44:27,166
- No.
- No.
952
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:28,709
(BEEPING)
953
00:44:32,171 --> 00:44:33,630
(LAUGHING)
954
00:44:35,883 --> 00:44:36,884
- I'm...
- (LAUGHING)
955
00:44:37,051 --> 00:44:38,218
You're pregnant.
956
00:44:38,427 --> 00:44:39,428
I'm pregnant.
957
00:44:39,636 --> 00:44:41,055
It's all right, don't worry.
958
00:44:41,430 --> 00:44:42,639
We'll take care of it.
959
00:44:43,599 --> 00:44:45,809
I mean, "Yes!"
960
00:44:45,976 --> 00:44:47,394
You're pregnant!
961
00:44:48,145 --> 00:44:49,480
We're pregnant!
962
00:44:49,646 --> 00:44:50,898
I'm not pregnant!
963
00:44:51,065 --> 00:44:52,608
I'm on drugs!
964
00:44:52,983 --> 00:44:54,026
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
965
00:45:17,091 --> 00:45:19,718
I found my peanut! This is Paul.
966
00:45:19,885 --> 00:45:20,886
Hey.
967
00:45:21,053 --> 00:45:22,179
He has so many teeth.
968
00:45:22,429 --> 00:45:23,430
(LAUGHS)
969
00:45:25,307 --> 00:45:26,308
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
970
00:45:30,562 --> 00:45:34,274
What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!
971
00:45:34,817 --> 00:45:37,486
Who's ready to reach into
my cleave of wonders
972
00:45:37,653 --> 00:45:39,071
and win themselves a prize?
973
00:45:39,238 --> 00:45:41,698
Doris, I'm coming to you first, baby.
974
00:45:44,284 --> 00:45:46,829
Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!
975
00:45:47,663 --> 00:45:50,207
You have won Kathy's credit card.
976
00:45:50,374 --> 00:45:51,458
Let's go, dance circle!
977
00:45:51,625 --> 00:45:54,211
Bridget, come on in here, you slut!
978
00:45:57,089 --> 00:46:00,134
How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?
979
00:46:01,051 --> 00:46:02,136
What?
980
00:46:02,594 --> 00:46:05,355
(MUFFLED) How many little burgers
does it take to make a whole burger?
981
00:46:05,514 --> 00:46:07,683
(SNORTS) You're crazy.
982
00:46:07,850 --> 00:46:08,976
Don't call me crazy.
983
00:46:09,143 --> 00:46:11,270
Don't ever call a pregnant woman crazy.
984
00:46:11,437 --> 00:46:12,980
- Okay. All right.
- Not ever. Never.
985
00:46:13,147 --> 00:46:14,148
Okay.
986
00:46:14,314 --> 00:46:16,233
How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?
987
00:46:16,525 --> 00:46:18,318
I don't know, maybe four?
988
00:46:20,362 --> 00:46:21,405
I've had seven.
989
00:46:21,572 --> 00:46:22,865
Eight. I meant eight.
990
00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:24,241
Is it four, or is it eight?
991
00:46:24,408 --> 00:46:26,702
It's eight, or more. Everyone knows that.
992
00:46:26,869 --> 00:46:27,870
Who told you that?
993
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,204
The slider guy.
994
00:46:31,415 --> 00:46:33,333
Please blink, so I know you're in there.
995
00:46:34,168 --> 00:46:35,294
- I'm sorry.
- (EXHALES) God.
996
00:46:35,461 --> 00:46:39,214
I just have blood pumping through my body
in an uncomfortable way
997
00:46:39,381 --> 00:46:41,967
and it feels like
it's all accumulating right here.
998
00:46:42,134 --> 00:46:44,303
Don't touch yourself like that
in my workplace.
999
00:46:44,470 --> 00:46:46,472
- I need a man.
- A man?
1000
00:46:46,638 --> 00:46:48,474
I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.
1001
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,160
It's, like, the hormones or something.
1002
00:46:50,267 --> 00:46:51,310
Actually...
1003
00:46:52,478 --> 00:46:54,938
The new guy
has sort of been checking you out.
1004
00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:56,273
- Which one?
- He's...
1005
00:47:01,028 --> 00:47:02,029
- Did you get it?
- No.
1006
00:47:02,196 --> 00:47:03,989
All right. He's like...
1007
00:47:05,824 --> 00:47:07,201
Right over there.
1008
00:47:09,953 --> 00:47:11,622
- No. No.
- Why?
1009
00:47:11,788 --> 00:47:13,665
Because he's too young.
1010
00:47:13,832 --> 00:47:15,834
All young guys want to do
is have sex all day.
1011
00:47:16,001 --> 00:47:21,215
All I need is just a quick 10 minutes,
and then a really long nap.
1012
00:47:22,382 --> 00:47:23,967
How old is that little niblet, anyway?
1013
00:47:24,218 --> 00:47:27,179
Like, twenty-seven?
1014
00:47:27,596 --> 00:47:29,223
The only reason a guy like that
would ever talk to me
1015
00:47:29,389 --> 00:47:31,266
is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.
1016
00:47:31,433 --> 00:47:32,434
So, no.
1017
00:47:32,601 --> 00:47:34,801
I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.
1018
00:47:34,937 --> 00:47:36,438
Wait, he might be going to the food.
1019
00:47:36,605 --> 00:47:38,649
Don't look over there. No, he's coming.
1020
00:47:39,608 --> 00:47:40,609
He's here.
1021
00:47:41,443 --> 00:47:42,778
Just saw you looking at me over there.
1022
00:47:42,945 --> 00:47:45,781
I thought I'd come over, say "What's up."
1023
00:47:46,198 --> 00:47:47,241
- Hmm.
- Or...
1024
00:47:48,242 --> 00:47:49,243
(CHUCKLES)
1025
00:47:49,451 --> 00:47:50,702
Oh, my God, did I misread that?
1026
00:47:50,869 --> 00:47:52,829
(STUTTERS) Were you not...
Were you just talking about...
1027
00:47:52,996 --> 00:47:54,915
Um, did you not want me to come over?
1028
00:47:59,169 --> 00:48:00,379
Hey, I'm Ken.
1029
00:48:00,921 --> 00:48:03,340
- Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
- You must be Alice's sister.
1030
00:48:03,549 --> 00:48:04,629
- Do you want a drink?
- No.
1031
00:48:04,716 --> 00:48:08,262
- Can I get you...
- I had a lot of drinks earlier today.
1032
00:48:08,554 --> 00:48:09,721
- (CLICKS TONGUE)
- (EXHALES)
1033
00:48:09,972 --> 00:48:11,732
Have you heard anything
about an after-party?
1034
00:48:11,890 --> 00:48:14,184
Or even, like, another part of this party?
1035
00:48:14,351 --> 00:48:18,188
Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...
1036
00:48:18,855 --> 00:48:19,975
Oh, my God, am I boring you?
1037
00:48:20,107 --> 00:48:21,817
Is that... Are you trying not to yawn?
1038
00:48:22,025 --> 00:48:23,819
- Mmm-mmm.
- That's just your face?
1039
00:48:23,986 --> 00:48:27,406
No, I'm sorry.
I'm a doctor, and I'm just really tired.
1040
00:48:27,573 --> 00:48:28,991
What is it you were saying you do?
1041
00:48:29,700 --> 00:48:32,911
I wasn't, but I work here, for now.
1042
00:48:33,161 --> 00:48:34,162
But, um...
1043
00:48:34,621 --> 00:48:37,207
Oh, my God, are you having a stroke?
1044
00:48:37,374 --> 00:48:38,750
Seriously, this is the honeymoon.
1045
00:48:38,917 --> 00:48:40,377
Like, we just met 30 seconds ago.
1046
00:48:40,877 --> 00:48:42,796
Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,
1047
00:48:42,963 --> 00:48:44,603
I don't think we're gonna make it at all.
1048
00:48:44,756 --> 00:48:46,967
So, why don't you just, like, let her rip?
1049
00:48:47,134 --> 00:48:48,844
- Okay.
- Like, let it all out.
1050
00:48:50,095 --> 00:48:51,388
Yeah.
1051
00:48:51,722 --> 00:48:53,515
- (YAWNS)
- How awesome was that?
1052
00:48:53,682 --> 00:48:54,766
That feels so good.
1053
00:48:54,933 --> 00:48:56,518
- Right?
- (CHUCKLES)
1054
00:48:57,019 --> 00:48:58,395
Who are you, again?
1055
00:48:58,812 --> 00:48:59,855
I'm, uh, Ken.
1056
00:49:00,022 --> 00:49:01,648
And what's going on here?
1057
00:49:01,857 --> 00:49:02,858
- Is this... (CHUCKLES)
- I don't...
1058
00:49:03,025 --> 00:49:04,735
Is this one of those fetish things?
1059
00:49:04,901 --> 00:49:07,988
Where you're, like, a foot fetish.
Am I the foot?
1060
00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:10,490
Do you want to be the foot?
1061
00:49:10,657 --> 00:49:14,244
I'm not into feet,
but I would like to go out with you.
1062
00:49:14,411 --> 00:49:15,454
Oh.
1063
00:49:15,662 --> 00:49:16,788
- Yes.
- Why?
1064
00:49:17,414 --> 00:49:19,249
Really? I... Do you not want me to?
1065
00:49:19,416 --> 00:49:21,501
I do! I... That's not what I was saying.
1066
00:49:21,668 --> 00:49:22,878
No, I was just wondering why.
1067
00:49:23,045 --> 00:49:24,921
Because I think you're hot.
1068
00:49:25,088 --> 00:49:27,049
- (LAUGHS)
- And I think you're funny.
1069
00:49:27,382 --> 00:49:29,742
And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.
1070
00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:32,137
And then you have an awesome yawn
after that, so...
1071
00:49:32,304 --> 00:49:34,348
I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.
1072
00:49:34,514 --> 00:49:35,599
- (CHUCKLES)
- I don't know.
1073
00:49:36,016 --> 00:49:37,100
But, cheers.
1074
00:49:37,559 --> 00:49:40,395
- Holy shit, that's a candle.
- (MEG CLEARS THROAT)
1075
00:49:41,021 --> 00:49:43,106
So, do you wanna just go do this, then?
1076
00:49:44,650 --> 00:49:46,652
(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)
1077
00:49:55,702 --> 00:49:57,079
I don't want anything serious.
1078
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,164
Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.
1079
00:49:59,539 --> 00:50:01,208
I'm just kidding.
1080
00:50:01,792 --> 00:50:03,835
My God, your body is awesome!
1081
00:50:05,253 --> 00:50:06,546
Do I smell like hamburgers?
1082
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,590
You taste like hamburgers.
1083
00:50:10,967 --> 00:50:12,527
- (LAUGHING)
- That's totally beautiful.
1084
00:50:16,306 --> 00:50:18,433
You didn't really have to come
all the way here with me, you know?
1085
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,811
And miss a subway ride with you?
1086
00:50:20,977 --> 00:50:22,771
That's like 20 extra minutes of Paul time.
1087
00:50:22,938 --> 00:50:24,648
- Aw. Thank you. Yeah.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
1088
00:50:24,815 --> 00:50:26,483
Actually, I got you something.
1089
00:50:26,650 --> 00:50:27,651
Oh, okay.
1090
00:50:27,818 --> 00:50:29,861
I have a sandwich for the train ride.
1091
00:50:30,028 --> 00:50:31,405
Oh, thank you.
1092
00:50:31,571 --> 00:50:34,449
And there's a bagel in there, too,
in case you don't want the sandwich.
1093
00:50:34,616 --> 00:50:37,077
It's a 45-minute train ride,
but thank you.
1094
00:50:37,703 --> 00:50:38,870
- And there's this.
- What?
1095
00:50:39,037 --> 00:50:40,038
Merry Christmas.
1096
00:50:40,205 --> 00:50:41,540
You shouldn't have.
1097
00:50:41,707 --> 00:50:43,587
- Really, it's just a little thing that...
- Oh.
1098
00:50:43,667 --> 00:50:45,502
Open it now, yeah.
1099
00:50:46,962 --> 00:50:48,922
Whoa! These are pictures of us.
1100
00:50:49,089 --> 00:50:51,383
It's memories of all our time together.
1101
00:50:51,675 --> 00:50:55,011
Yeah, there's three weeks of photos.
That's...
1102
00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:56,930
And then we can fill in the rest.
1103
00:50:58,306 --> 00:50:59,808
Oh. So...
1104
00:51:00,183 --> 00:51:04,312
Look, Lucy, I really care about you.
1105
00:51:04,813 --> 00:51:07,816
And I just don't know if we want to think
1106
00:51:07,983 --> 00:51:09,609
too much in the long term,
1107
00:51:09,776 --> 00:51:12,654
only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.
1108
00:51:13,196 --> 00:51:16,199
Normally, I break up with people
before the holidays.
1109
00:51:16,366 --> 00:51:18,493
Just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.
1110
00:51:18,660 --> 00:51:20,996
But I just thought,
since we're dating other people...
1111
00:51:21,163 --> 00:51:24,291
I would just wait and break up with you
on Martin Luther King Day.
1112
00:51:25,250 --> 00:51:27,627
Okay, I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds vaguely racist.
1113
00:51:27,794 --> 00:51:29,796
Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday
1114
00:51:29,963 --> 00:51:31,506
to break up with someone on, you know?
1115
00:51:31,673 --> 00:51:35,552
I mean, there's no family obligations,
you can get out before Valentine's Day.
1116
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:38,680
I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?
1117
00:51:38,889 --> 00:51:39,931
Yeah.
1118
00:51:40,140 --> 00:51:42,309
I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?
1119
00:51:42,684 --> 00:51:43,852
No.
1120
00:51:44,102 --> 00:51:46,354
It's to find your soul mate!
1121
00:51:46,521 --> 00:51:47,522
(ECHOING)
1122
00:51:48,607 --> 00:51:53,028
I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.
1123
00:51:54,112 --> 00:51:55,822
Okay. Great talk.
1124
00:51:57,657 --> 00:51:58,658
Bye.
1125
00:52:00,452 --> 00:52:01,495
Just...
1126
00:52:01,828 --> 00:52:03,663
Uh, merry Christmas.
1127
00:52:07,417 --> 00:52:11,713
""We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."
1128
00:52:12,255 --> 00:52:13,548
Um, who's Paul?
1129
00:52:14,591 --> 00:52:16,968
Sorry, "the Prince."
1130
00:52:17,803 --> 00:52:22,933
"Then, he leaned in to kiss her,
and finally said..."
1131
00:52:27,771 --> 00:52:29,064
Oh, that's rich.
1132
00:52:29,231 --> 00:52:30,440
How does the story end?
1133
00:52:30,732 --> 00:52:32,067
I'll tell you how it ends.
1134
00:52:32,526 --> 00:52:34,903
He kisses her, and she wakes up
1135
00:52:35,070 --> 00:52:37,405
and finally feels loved
1136
00:52:37,906 --> 00:52:40,033
and understood, and wanted.
1137
00:52:40,367 --> 00:52:43,286
But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady
1138
00:52:43,453 --> 00:52:46,248
and before she knows it,
she's kicked out of the castle.
1139
00:52:46,998 --> 00:52:48,667
"The peach lady"?
1140
00:52:48,834 --> 00:52:50,460
You bet your sweet ass "the peach lady."
1141
00:52:50,836 --> 00:52:55,382
And now, you know,
she's fixating on all her mistakes
1142
00:52:55,549 --> 00:52:58,677
and all the money she spent on makeup
1143
00:52:58,844 --> 00:53:01,805
and blow-outs, and the heels!
1144
00:53:01,972 --> 00:53:04,349
The heels! Walking around on these.
1145
00:53:04,558 --> 00:53:07,310
And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.
1146
00:53:07,477 --> 00:53:10,105
No hair here, but tons of it here.
1147
00:53:10,272 --> 00:53:12,032
I'm supposed to have a ton,
a ton of it here.
1148
00:53:12,148 --> 00:53:13,441
You think this is all real?
1149
00:53:13,608 --> 00:53:15,443
- You think that it's all real?
- No.
1150
00:53:15,610 --> 00:53:16,778
And Spanx!
1151
00:53:17,028 --> 00:53:19,906
Girls. Never wear Spanx.
1152
00:53:20,073 --> 00:53:21,616
Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway
1153
00:53:21,867 --> 00:53:24,411
and then the prince
is gonna see all your dumplings
1154
00:53:24,578 --> 00:53:26,204
and there ain't nothing less attractive
1155
00:53:26,371 --> 00:53:27,831
than trying to squiggle your way
1156
00:53:27,998 --> 00:53:30,625
out of what's basically sausage casing.
1157
00:53:30,792 --> 00:53:31,877
Look at these links!
1158
00:53:32,043 --> 00:53:35,213
You know what, why don't we push pause
on story time for just a second, huh?
1159
00:53:35,380 --> 00:53:36,631
Okay, you know what? Sorry.
1160
00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:38,258
- Are you kidding me?
- GEORGE: Hey, hey. Okay.
1161
00:53:38,425 --> 00:53:39,759
- These are kid scissors.
- They don't work.
1162
00:53:39,926 --> 00:53:41,970
If your Spanx were made
of construction paper, they would.
1163
00:53:42,137 --> 00:53:45,181
- And that's how the story ends.
- (GRUNTING)
1164
00:53:45,515 --> 00:53:47,017
Parents, I'm gonna ask you
to sign something
1165
00:53:47,183 --> 00:53:48,476
before you leave, if you don't mind.
1166
00:53:48,643 --> 00:53:49,644
- Story time next week.
- (YELPS)
1167
00:53:49,811 --> 00:53:52,230
Same time, same place, different reader.
1168
00:53:52,397 --> 00:53:53,607
Thank you. Okay, now.
1169
00:53:53,773 --> 00:53:55,108
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?
1170
00:53:55,275 --> 00:53:57,485
- Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.
- (PANTING)
1171
00:53:58,069 --> 00:53:59,446
Oh, that was terrible.
1172
00:53:59,613 --> 00:54:02,282
You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.
1173
00:54:02,949 --> 00:54:05,994
But it was also kind of awesome.
1174
00:54:07,996 --> 00:54:09,497
I'm George.
1175
00:54:11,958 --> 00:54:13,043
Lucy.
1176
00:54:16,755 --> 00:54:17,756
- Hey.
- Hi.
1177
00:54:17,964 --> 00:54:19,633
- Hey.
- Hey!
1178
00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:21,134
Hey! Oh, thank you.
1179
00:54:21,301 --> 00:54:22,469
- For you.
- I'll take that.
1180
00:54:22,636 --> 00:54:24,137
- Oh, no.
- That's Robin's.
1181
00:54:24,304 --> 00:54:26,556
Yeah. I like to keep this on my own rack.
1182
00:54:27,140 --> 00:54:28,350
Sorry, we're late.
1183
00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:30,518
No, it's okay.
I'm glad you guys could come.
1184
00:54:30,685 --> 00:54:34,230
I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...
1185
00:54:34,648 --> 00:54:35,899
Why do people always say that?
1186
00:54:36,066 --> 00:54:38,234
The holidays is the best time
to be single.
1187
00:54:38,652 --> 00:54:40,862
Parties every night, free-flowing booze.
1188
00:54:41,029 --> 00:54:43,490
Santa's beard tickling your inner thigh.
1189
00:54:43,740 --> 00:54:45,033
- What?
- Night.
1190
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,743
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, take your jacket...
1191
00:54:46,910 --> 00:54:48,036
Here, you want me to get your...
1192
00:54:48,203 --> 00:54:49,204
Thanks for having us.
1193
00:54:49,371 --> 00:54:52,916
Yeah, sure.
I know it's been tough for you.
1194
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:54,751
- For me?
- Yeah.
1195
00:54:54,918 --> 00:54:56,336
No, I'm good.
1196
00:54:56,795 --> 00:55:00,048
It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.
1197
00:55:00,215 --> 00:55:02,217
Yeah. Yeah, I know, she's really mature.
1198
00:55:02,592 --> 00:55:05,428
And, um, also, I told her
you're my cousin.
1199
00:55:05,595 --> 00:55:07,722
- Hi, baby.
- Hey. Hi.
1200
00:55:07,889 --> 00:55:10,100
Oh, you must be Alice.
1201
00:55:10,266 --> 00:55:12,060
- Hi!
- Hi.
1202
00:55:13,561 --> 00:55:14,562
(HORNS HONKING)
1203
00:55:18,566 --> 00:55:19,734
- KEN: Oh, Meg!
- (GASPS)
1204
00:55:20,068 --> 00:55:21,069
- Hi.
- Hey.
1205
00:55:21,236 --> 00:55:22,487
Hi, what are you doing here?
1206
00:55:22,654 --> 00:55:23,774
I brought you hot chocolate.
1207
00:55:23,822 --> 00:55:25,907
- For what?
- For drinking.
1208
00:55:26,074 --> 00:55:27,914
Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.
1209
00:55:27,993 --> 00:55:29,035
Perfect.
1210
00:55:29,202 --> 00:55:30,412
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.
1211
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:32,288
That was nice. Hi.
1212
00:55:32,956 --> 00:55:34,124
It's good to see you. You look good.
1213
00:55:34,290 --> 00:55:35,667
Oh, oh, there's bourbon in there.
1214
00:55:35,834 --> 00:55:37,002
Also, was that a real-life spit take?
1215
00:55:37,168 --> 00:55:39,170
- Mmm-hmm.
- I've never seen one in real life.
1216
00:55:39,337 --> 00:55:41,017
I just sort of thought it would be like...
1217
00:55:43,341 --> 00:55:44,551
- Wow!
- You know?
1218
00:55:44,718 --> 00:55:45,719
(GIGGLES) Yeah.
1219
00:55:46,219 --> 00:55:47,387
That was good, yeah.
1220
00:55:47,554 --> 00:55:51,349
I can't drink alcohol right now
because I'm about to deliver a baby.
1221
00:55:51,975 --> 00:55:53,435
It's so cool you're a doctor.
1222
00:55:54,436 --> 00:55:56,771
- It's so cool that you're...
- A receptionist.
1223
00:55:57,063 --> 00:56:01,401
Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?
1224
00:56:01,568 --> 00:56:03,236
- Receptionist.
- Oh.
1225
00:56:03,570 --> 00:56:04,946
I just love the thrill of it, you know?
1226
00:56:05,113 --> 00:56:07,866
Like, "Hello? Hold, please.
Hello? I'll see if she's available."
1227
00:56:08,033 --> 00:56:09,833
But I'm thinking about quitting.
I don't know.
1228
00:56:09,993 --> 00:56:12,370
It's starting to feel
like the restaurant I worked at.
1229
00:56:12,537 --> 00:56:16,583
- (JINGLING)
- Oh, shit. Christmas trees.
1230
00:56:17,083 --> 00:56:18,168
Come on, we'll get one.
1231
00:56:18,334 --> 00:56:21,171
Okay. I mean,
I don't get Christmas trees, but...
1232
00:56:21,337 --> 00:56:22,338
Oh, are you Jewish?
1233
00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,257
No, I just don't get Christmas trees.
1234
00:56:24,424 --> 00:56:25,842
Oh, so, you're a monster.
1235
00:56:26,009 --> 00:56:29,137
No, I'm just never home,
and I would definitely kill it.
1236
00:56:29,304 --> 00:56:30,346
No.
1237
00:56:30,513 --> 00:56:34,434
And then those needles fall into the rug
and stab your feet when you walk on them.
1238
00:56:34,601 --> 00:56:35,602
Okay.
1239
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:38,104
All right. Look at this guy, right?
1240
00:56:38,396 --> 00:56:40,148
That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.
1241
00:56:40,315 --> 00:56:41,983
Like, you cannot kill this guy.
1242
00:56:42,150 --> 00:56:44,027
We load him up with a bunch of water,
1243
00:56:44,194 --> 00:56:46,780
stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side
1244
00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:48,281
you're good to go for, like, three weeks.
1245
00:56:48,448 --> 00:56:50,033
I'm telling you,
you're gonna be begging this guy to die.
1246
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:51,493
- Yeah.
- Then, in three weeks
1247
00:56:51,826 --> 00:56:55,330
we throw this guy out on the street,
and get ready for Valentine's Day.
1248
00:56:55,538 --> 00:56:56,938
"We" get ready for Valentine's Day?
1249
00:56:56,998 --> 00:56:59,167
- Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
- Oh.
1250
00:56:59,334 --> 00:57:01,795
No, no, no, no. That's not...
1251
00:57:02,087 --> 00:57:04,547
Listen, in three weeks from now...
1252
00:57:04,714 --> 00:57:08,093
I think the novelty of this whole thing
will have worn off
1253
00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,762
and I think, the reality will set in,
1254
00:57:10,929 --> 00:57:14,432
which is that I work all the time
and I probably would never see you,
1255
00:57:14,599 --> 00:57:17,560
and I'd probably
have to cancel all of our dates.
1256
00:57:17,769 --> 00:57:20,313
And, when I did finally see you,
1257
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,357
I would probably
just fall asleep on your face.
1258
00:57:22,565 --> 00:57:23,566
- Oh...
- Yeah, and then,
1259
00:57:23,775 --> 00:57:25,819
you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.
1260
00:57:25,985 --> 00:57:28,655
Because you obviously have
a lot of time to spend at the gym
1261
00:57:28,822 --> 00:57:29,948
and so would she,
1262
00:57:30,115 --> 00:57:31,950
and I don't even know why
we're having this conversation.
1263
00:57:32,117 --> 00:57:33,952
I mean, you are obviously not a real thing
1264
00:57:34,119 --> 00:57:36,830
and I feel like we're wasting air
even talking about it.
1265
00:57:36,996 --> 00:57:39,165
And I have hip problems,
real hip problems.
1266
00:57:39,332 --> 00:57:43,837
And not from doing fun things,
like having sex, but from gravity.
1267
00:57:44,003 --> 00:57:45,713
And what we had was great.
1268
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:49,509
Thank you for helping me out with that.
1269
00:57:49,676 --> 00:57:50,677
That was fun.
1270
00:57:51,136 --> 00:57:53,888
But you will find a girl your own age
1271
00:57:54,055 --> 00:57:57,058
and then you can do fun things
like look for trees and whatever.
1272
00:57:57,225 --> 00:58:00,228
But that's not what's happening here,
between you and me, so...
1273
00:58:00,395 --> 00:58:01,521
Just so you know.
1274
00:58:01,688 --> 00:58:03,064
I have to get back to work now.
1275
00:58:05,733 --> 00:58:06,734
My God.
1276
00:58:06,901 --> 00:58:08,945
Fine, we won't get a Christmas tree!
1277
00:58:10,071 --> 00:58:12,115
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1278
00:58:34,470 --> 00:58:35,471
Hey, Robin.
1279
00:58:35,847 --> 00:58:36,848
Yeah.
1280
00:58:39,642 --> 00:58:40,643
Yes?
1281
00:58:40,852 --> 00:58:42,979
Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?
1282
00:58:43,146 --> 00:58:44,397
- Right now?
- Yeah.
1283
00:58:44,564 --> 00:58:47,817
No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy
1284
00:58:47,984 --> 00:58:50,069
and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions
1285
00:58:50,236 --> 00:58:51,905
like us sitting on their faces.
1286
00:58:52,572 --> 00:58:54,824
- No. No.
- Come on, it's Christmas!
1287
00:58:54,991 --> 00:58:56,993
I'm not gonna do that tonight.
1288
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,245
Why? Their dicks
probably look like cannolis.
1289
00:58:59,454 --> 00:59:02,123
No, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow.
1290
00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:05,293
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)
1291
00:59:09,797 --> 00:59:12,175
It's plastic. You can't kill it.
1292
00:59:12,634 --> 00:59:13,635
(LAUGHS)
1293
00:59:45,083 --> 00:59:46,167
DAVID: Hey.
1294
00:59:47,085 --> 00:59:48,086
Hey.
1295
00:59:49,295 --> 00:59:50,838
I feel like I know you.
1296
00:59:52,006 --> 00:59:53,766
God, I wish I had
one of your business cards,
1297
00:59:53,883 --> 00:59:55,163
so I could remember who you are.
1298
00:59:57,178 --> 01:00:00,932
Yeah, you're the, um, fancy, married guy,
with the kid and the buildings.
1299
01:00:01,349 --> 01:00:03,768
Uh... I'm not married.
1300
01:00:04,060 --> 01:00:05,603
Um, I do have a daughter.
1301
01:00:05,853 --> 01:00:06,854
Oh.
1302
01:00:07,522 --> 01:00:08,564
- And I'm fancy.
- Yeah.
1303
01:00:08,773 --> 01:00:11,693
You're wearing a scarf
on the outside of your jacket.
1304
01:00:11,859 --> 01:00:13,569
Which... That serves zero purpose.
1305
01:00:14,028 --> 01:00:15,029
- (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES)
1306
01:00:16,030 --> 01:00:17,031
Um...
1307
01:00:18,366 --> 01:00:19,951
This is super random,
1308
01:00:20,118 --> 01:00:23,329
but do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?
1309
01:00:24,998 --> 01:00:26,207
No? That's a big "no."
1310
01:00:26,374 --> 01:00:27,375
No, no.
1311
01:00:27,625 --> 01:00:29,544
I know it's probably like so crowded
with so many tourists,
1312
01:00:29,711 --> 01:00:30,837
I don't know why I even want to do that.
1313
01:00:31,004 --> 01:00:34,173
I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.
1314
01:00:35,717 --> 01:00:36,801
Okay.
1315
01:00:39,137 --> 01:00:41,264
All right. This door.
1316
01:00:43,057 --> 01:00:44,183
Aye.
1317
01:00:45,310 --> 01:00:48,146
You know what? I am just realizing now
that I've gone with a complete stranger,
1318
01:00:48,313 --> 01:00:52,608
to an abandoned location
covered in plastic...
1319
01:00:52,817 --> 01:00:55,820
So, if you're gonna Dexter me...
1320
01:00:55,987 --> 01:00:57,071
You know what? Honestly?
1321
01:00:57,238 --> 01:00:59,866
Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.
1322
01:01:00,033 --> 01:01:01,492
- What is happening?
- All right. Close your eyes.
1323
01:01:01,659 --> 01:01:03,661
Okay. Here we go. Bye!
1324
01:01:04,412 --> 01:01:05,612
- (CREAKING)
- (DAVID GRUNTING)
1325
01:01:06,164 --> 01:01:07,790
- What is that sound?
- Just one second.
1326
01:01:07,957 --> 01:01:09,709
The world's largest shower curtain?
1327
01:01:10,209 --> 01:01:11,586
What is it? What's happening?
1328
01:01:11,753 --> 01:01:12,962
One sec.
1329
01:01:13,338 --> 01:01:14,505
Is that the body bag?
1330
01:01:14,672 --> 01:01:15,673
Is that duct tape?
1331
01:01:15,965 --> 01:01:18,593
Is it "duck" tape or is it "duct" tape?
1332
01:01:19,302 --> 01:01:20,470
Open your eyes.
1333
01:01:26,601 --> 01:01:27,852
(LAUGHS)
1334
01:01:34,192 --> 01:01:35,568
Oh, my God.
1335
01:01:37,236 --> 01:01:39,155
This is amazing.
1336
01:01:44,577 --> 01:01:45,661
Thank you.
1337
01:01:46,454 --> 01:01:47,747
I've always wanted to see this.
1338
01:01:47,914 --> 01:01:48,915
Yeah.
1339
01:01:49,123 --> 01:01:50,458
I don't know why
I always talk myself out of
1340
01:01:50,625 --> 01:01:52,210
doing the things I really want to do.
1341
01:01:52,377 --> 01:01:53,378
Like what?
1342
01:01:53,669 --> 01:01:56,089
There's this thing
that people do on New Year's,
1343
01:01:56,255 --> 01:01:58,966
where they hike
the Grand Canyon in the dark,
1344
01:01:59,133 --> 01:02:02,303
so that they can watch the New Year
come in with the dawn.
1345
01:02:02,470 --> 01:02:04,430
That sounds amazing.
1346
01:02:04,597 --> 01:02:05,932
- I know.
- Yeah.
1347
01:02:06,224 --> 01:02:07,266
I'm just not a hiker.
1348
01:02:08,309 --> 01:02:10,311
I don't like that stuff
that's on the ground,
1349
01:02:10,478 --> 01:02:11,854
that, like, gets on you.
1350
01:02:12,021 --> 01:02:13,439
- The dirt?
- Yes.
1351
01:02:13,981 --> 01:02:14,982
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1352
01:02:15,525 --> 01:02:18,403
But, um, I don't know.
1353
01:02:19,362 --> 01:02:23,491
Maybe we can, um, do
something else this year.
1354
01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:25,785
- "We"?
- Did I say "we"?
1355
01:02:38,005 --> 01:02:39,590
This one's name is Ping-Ping.
1356
01:02:39,757 --> 01:02:40,883
Ping-Ping?
1357
01:02:41,050 --> 01:02:42,051
It's nice to meet you.
1358
01:02:42,218 --> 01:02:44,262
- Who's this guy?
- Lion.
1359
01:02:44,429 --> 01:02:47,974
Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.
1360
01:02:48,141 --> 01:02:49,183
Well, what about this guy?
1361
01:02:49,350 --> 01:02:50,393
Zebra-Zebra.
1362
01:02:50,601 --> 01:02:53,771
Hmm. I was told never to
trust a man with two first names.
1363
01:02:54,021 --> 01:02:55,301
- (CHUCKLES)
- (CELL PHONE RINGS)
1364
01:02:55,356 --> 01:02:57,817
What about, do you want to tell me
the names of these ones?
1365
01:02:58,234 --> 01:02:59,527
This is LA. I'll be two seconds.
1366
01:02:59,694 --> 01:03:01,237
Okay, we're fine.
1367
01:03:02,071 --> 01:03:04,031
Do you know the Eyes of You song?
1368
01:03:04,198 --> 01:03:05,408
The what song?
1369
01:03:05,575 --> 01:03:07,076
Eyes of You song.
1370
01:03:07,243 --> 01:03:08,911
No, I don't know what that is.
1371
01:03:09,203 --> 01:03:10,580
(SCATTING)
1372
01:03:13,833 --> 01:03:15,418
Oh, I know that song.
1373
01:03:15,877 --> 01:03:17,211
(BOTH SCATTING)
1374
01:03:21,007 --> 01:03:24,635
(BOTH SINGING
CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU)
1375
01:03:24,802 --> 01:03:26,012
What are you doing?
1376
01:03:26,387 --> 01:03:28,187
Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,
1377
01:03:28,264 --> 01:03:30,183
but her voice is way better
than mine. (LAUGHS)
1378
01:03:30,433 --> 01:03:31,434
Can I talk to you?
1379
01:03:31,601 --> 01:03:33,019
Yeah, yeah.
1380
01:03:40,276 --> 01:03:41,569
Uh, what are you doing?
1381
01:03:41,819 --> 01:03:42,987
What do you mean?
1382
01:03:43,154 --> 01:03:44,530
You're not her mom.
1383
01:03:44,697 --> 01:03:46,407
What are you... What are you...
1384
01:03:46,574 --> 01:03:47,825
What do you mean?
1385
01:03:49,869 --> 01:03:52,038
We were just singing, David.
1386
01:03:52,205 --> 01:03:55,041
Look, I'm sorry,
but when it comes to Phoebe
1387
01:03:56,292 --> 01:03:58,794
I get very protective.
1388
01:03:59,170 --> 01:04:01,797
And, you can't just...
1389
01:04:04,050 --> 01:04:05,134
Look, I'm really sorry.
1390
01:04:05,301 --> 01:04:06,969
I didn't know that that was a thing.
1391
01:04:07,678 --> 01:04:09,847
I'm not trying to, like...
1392
01:04:12,266 --> 01:04:13,726
I guess I didn't know that
that would upset you
1393
01:04:13,893 --> 01:04:17,813
because you don't actually ever really
share anything with me.
1394
01:04:35,581 --> 01:04:37,875
Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?
1395
01:04:39,585 --> 01:04:41,045
From your doorman, David.
1396
01:04:41,212 --> 01:04:42,296
Yeah, well.
1397
01:04:42,463 --> 01:04:44,799
I just thought you were divorced.
I had no idea.
1398
01:04:44,966 --> 01:04:48,469
It's just been two years, okay?
Phoebe's not ready for all that.
1399
01:04:48,886 --> 01:04:51,472
I have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.
1400
01:04:52,098 --> 01:04:54,892
But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom...
1401
01:04:55,059 --> 01:04:56,310
Look, Alice.
1402
01:04:57,728 --> 01:04:58,896
I can't do this.
1403
01:05:00,314 --> 01:05:01,607
I'm sorry.
1404
01:05:14,954 --> 01:05:16,372
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
1405
01:06:01,751 --> 01:06:03,044
(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)
1406
01:06:22,355 --> 01:06:25,232
(CRYING) I know I'm not
supposed to need you anymore, but...
1407
01:06:30,446 --> 01:06:31,572
I really do.
1408
01:06:32,740 --> 01:06:33,866
Come here.
1409
01:06:38,454 --> 01:06:42,208
I feel like I don't even know
who I am anymore.
1410
01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:44,418
It's okay.
1411
01:06:50,549 --> 01:06:53,761
I have to warn you,
I have this weird farting thing happening.
1412
01:06:54,011 --> 01:06:55,763
- (CHUCKLES)
- I don't know if it's me,
1413
01:06:55,930 --> 01:06:58,557
or the baby farting through me,
or what, but...
1414
01:07:00,601 --> 01:07:01,894
- Let me see.
- (SIGHS)
1415
01:07:04,730 --> 01:07:06,857
- Hi, you stinky little baby.
- (CHUCKLES)
1416
01:07:09,902 --> 01:07:13,364
(WHISPERS) You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.
1417
01:07:14,323 --> 01:07:15,908
You need to tell him.
1418
01:07:16,367 --> 01:07:17,368
(SHUSHING)
1419
01:07:18,703 --> 01:07:19,704
(ALICE CHUCKLES)
1420
01:07:26,293 --> 01:07:27,795
I love you, monkey.
1421
01:07:28,170 --> 01:07:29,505
I love you.
1422
01:07:32,633 --> 01:07:33,673
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
1423
01:07:38,931 --> 01:07:40,975
Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.
1424
01:07:41,183 --> 01:07:42,226
(CHUCKLES)
1425
01:07:42,435 --> 01:07:44,395
All right, let me guess.
1426
01:07:44,562 --> 01:07:46,647
You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,
1427
01:07:46,814 --> 01:07:49,108
while the rest of us are out here,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day.
1428
01:07:49,275 --> 01:07:51,152
No. You know what? I'm into it.
1429
01:07:51,527 --> 01:07:53,404
George is an eighth Irish.
1430
01:07:53,612 --> 01:07:55,322
Do you think he'll like it? Look, I did...
1431
01:07:55,489 --> 01:07:56,615
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
1432
01:07:56,824 --> 01:07:57,825
Who's George?
1433
01:07:57,992 --> 01:07:59,326
Luce. Hey!
1434
01:08:00,077 --> 01:08:01,287
Oh, there he is!
1435
01:08:02,621 --> 01:08:04,540
That's George?
1436
01:08:05,291 --> 01:08:07,001
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
1437
01:08:07,168 --> 01:08:09,670
Yes! (LAUGHING)
1438
01:08:10,588 --> 01:08:12,006
BOTH: Mmm.
1439
01:08:16,218 --> 01:08:17,344
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1440
01:08:17,720 --> 01:08:18,721
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
1441
01:08:50,461 --> 01:08:51,462
(ALL SHOUTING)
1442
01:09:19,448 --> 01:09:21,033
(CLEARS THROAT)
1443
01:09:23,077 --> 01:09:25,246
- (MUSIC PLAYING STOPS)
- (LAUGHS)
1444
01:09:25,663 --> 01:09:27,456
- Hi.
- Hi.
1445
01:09:28,165 --> 01:09:29,959
- It's been forever.
- Yeah.
1446
01:09:31,585 --> 01:09:32,920
Are you here with somebody?
1447
01:09:33,087 --> 01:09:35,714
Oh, no. I'm, I'm... I'm alone.
1448
01:09:35,881 --> 01:09:37,633
I just thought I'd grab some pancakes
1449
01:09:37,800 --> 01:09:39,677
- 'cause I love pancakes.
- This was our place.
1450
01:09:39,844 --> 01:09:40,845
Okay.
1451
01:09:41,011 --> 01:09:42,763
What are you doing? Who are you here with?
1452
01:09:42,930 --> 01:09:43,931
I'm here with my parents.
1453
01:09:44,098 --> 01:09:45,140
- JOSH'S MOM: Oh, my God.
- Here they are.
1454
01:09:45,307 --> 01:09:46,308
JOSH'S DAD: Look who it is.
JOSH'S MOM: Alice!
1455
01:09:46,475 --> 01:09:48,727
ALICE: Hi! How are you?
JOSH'S DAD: Oh, my God.
1456
01:09:48,894 --> 01:09:50,187
We're here to celebrate.
1457
01:09:50,354 --> 01:09:51,438
- How are you?
- It's so good to see you. Hi.
1458
01:09:51,605 --> 01:09:53,858
Josh got into business school.
1459
01:09:54,024 --> 01:09:55,109
- What?
- JOSH: I did.
1460
01:09:55,359 --> 01:09:56,360
It just happened. It's crazy.
1461
01:09:56,527 --> 01:09:57,987
I didn't even know you wanted to...
1462
01:09:58,153 --> 01:10:00,239
JOSH'S DAD: We were just gonna
take a picture. Come on, get in here.
1463
01:10:00,406 --> 01:10:02,533
We're just gonna take a picture.
Come on, come on, get in here.
1464
01:10:02,700 --> 01:10:03,826
- Squeeze in.
- JOSH: No, no, no!
1465
01:10:03,993 --> 01:10:05,327
Selfie time! Selfie time. One, two...
1466
01:10:05,494 --> 01:10:06,829
No, I can take one of you guys.
1467
01:10:06,996 --> 01:10:08,038
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Three!
1468
01:10:08,205 --> 01:10:10,082
You're better than her.
1469
01:10:10,332 --> 01:10:11,333
Wow. What?
1470
01:10:11,500 --> 01:10:14,336
- JOSH'S MOM: What?
- Mom! You need to go inside.
1471
01:10:14,712 --> 01:10:15,921
I know you've said it a million times.
1472
01:10:16,088 --> 01:10:17,423
- Take her inside...
- All right. There you go.
1473
01:10:17,590 --> 01:10:19,216
- ...and then take her home.
- Great to see you again.
1474
01:10:19,383 --> 01:10:20,426
ALICE: Great to see you.
JOSH'S DAD: Okay.
1475
01:10:20,593 --> 01:10:21,594
Bye, guys.
1476
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:23,804
- It's great to see you.
- It's great to see you.
1477
01:10:23,971 --> 01:10:24,972
Yeah.
1478
01:10:25,180 --> 01:10:27,266
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
1479
01:10:29,852 --> 01:10:31,478
Don't squash my pancakes, man.
1480
01:10:31,645 --> 01:10:33,814
Oh, sorry. Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...
1481
01:10:33,981 --> 01:10:35,649
- We should hang out soon.
- I'll see you around.
1482
01:10:35,816 --> 01:10:37,151
- Okay.
- Okay.
1483
01:10:37,943 --> 01:10:39,153
Bye.
1484
01:10:51,457 --> 01:10:52,458
(CHUCKLES)
1485
01:11:14,188 --> 01:11:15,314
(MOUTHING) What the fuck?
1486
01:11:21,820 --> 01:11:23,460
- Are you pregnant?
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1487
01:11:28,369 --> 01:11:29,370
What?
1488
01:11:29,870 --> 01:11:30,871
(STAMMERS)
1489
01:11:31,330 --> 01:11:32,873
I've been trying to have a baby. Yes.
1490
01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:36,210
I... It's probably
not even going to stick.
1491
01:11:36,543 --> 01:11:38,212
Yeah, I think it stuck.
1492
01:11:38,379 --> 01:11:40,714
Okay, I don't know what that tone was
1493
01:11:40,881 --> 01:11:45,469
but, if you haven't noticed,
my boobs have gotten much bigger.
1494
01:11:45,636 --> 01:11:47,179
Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.
1495
01:11:47,346 --> 01:11:50,224
I put that on my vision board, okay?
I thought that was because of me.
1496
01:11:50,391 --> 01:11:51,558
Who does that?
1497
01:11:51,725 --> 01:11:53,727
I do! People like me, visionaries!
1498
01:11:53,894 --> 01:11:55,534
Didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
1499
01:11:55,688 --> 01:11:58,315
That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.
1500
01:11:58,482 --> 01:12:00,442
You are beautiful,
you have always been beautiful,
1501
01:12:00,567 --> 01:12:02,069
and you are carrying this so well.
1502
01:12:02,236 --> 01:12:03,237
You think?
1503
01:12:03,404 --> 01:12:05,084
Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?
1504
01:12:05,739 --> 01:12:07,992
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna...
1505
01:12:08,325 --> 01:12:09,326
(LAUGHS)
1506
01:12:10,244 --> 01:12:12,538
- I'm gonna be a dad!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1507
01:12:12,705 --> 01:12:13,945
Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!
1508
01:12:14,081 --> 01:12:16,083
We're gonna be... Not "dads."
We're gonna...
1509
01:12:16,834 --> 01:12:17,835
(CHUCKLES)
1510
01:12:18,252 --> 01:12:19,712
No, it's not.
1511
01:12:19,878 --> 01:12:22,006
Like, you're not... It's not...
1512
01:12:22,423 --> 01:12:23,424
Is that not mine?
1513
01:12:24,091 --> 01:12:25,092
I'm just pregnant.
1514
01:12:25,259 --> 01:12:27,428
What do you mean, you're "just pregnant"?
That's crazy. How's that possible?
1515
01:12:27,594 --> 01:12:29,034
- What?
- I said, you're being crazy.
1516
01:12:29,138 --> 01:12:31,682
You've lied to me the entire time
we've been together about being pregnant
1517
01:12:31,849 --> 01:12:33,642
and now you're upset with me
because I believed it?
1518
01:12:33,809 --> 01:12:35,269
That's what a crazy person does.
1519
01:12:35,436 --> 01:12:36,916
That's three times.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1520
01:12:38,105 --> 01:12:39,106
Say it again.
1521
01:12:39,273 --> 01:12:41,275
I don't know. It just seems crazy to me.
1522
01:12:41,442 --> 01:12:43,110
I just want to tell you something.
1523
01:12:43,277 --> 01:12:48,282
Usually, it's a good idea
not to call a pregnant woman crazy.
1524
01:12:48,699 --> 01:12:49,899
(LAUGHS) You know what I mean?
1525
01:12:49,950 --> 01:12:51,368
She's nuts, everybody.
1526
01:12:52,286 --> 01:12:54,663
So funny! (GRUNTS)
1527
01:12:55,372 --> 01:12:56,582
Oh, my God!
1528
01:12:56,749 --> 01:12:57,750
Not funny!
1529
01:12:57,916 --> 01:12:58,959
Get it, girl.
1530
01:13:03,464 --> 01:13:04,798
Who is the father?
1531
01:13:05,257 --> 01:13:07,384
I don't know! I don't know.
1532
01:13:07,551 --> 01:13:09,428
- How do you not know?
- Stop yelling at me.
1533
01:13:09,595 --> 01:13:10,596
How could you not know
something like that?
1534
01:13:10,763 --> 01:13:11,843
Did you not catch his name?
1535
01:13:11,930 --> 01:13:13,807
I did I.V.F. with a sperm donor. Okay?
1536
01:13:13,974 --> 01:13:15,934
- Oh, my God.
- Do you have a problem with that?
1537
01:13:16,101 --> 01:13:17,436
I don't have a problem with that.
It's your body.
1538
01:13:17,603 --> 01:13:20,481
Do whatever you want with your body.
Cover it in tattoos. I don't care.
1539
01:13:20,647 --> 01:13:22,447
I think I deserve to know
when there's someone
1540
01:13:22,483 --> 01:13:24,243
living inside the person
I'm having sex with.
1541
01:13:24,401 --> 01:13:26,278
Don't say that. That's gross!
1542
01:13:26,445 --> 01:13:28,489
There is nothing gross about that.
It is beautiful!
1543
01:13:28,655 --> 01:13:30,657
- It's not your problem.
- Not genetically, okay?
1544
01:13:30,824 --> 01:13:33,118
But my girlfriend is having a baby.
1545
01:13:33,577 --> 01:13:35,996
Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,
1546
01:13:36,163 --> 01:13:37,831
this is the kind of thing I need to know.
1547
01:13:37,998 --> 01:13:40,709
What are you gonna do?
Stay home and take care of a baby?
1548
01:13:41,335 --> 01:13:43,128
Did I just win the lottery?
1549
01:13:43,295 --> 01:13:45,339
Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.
1550
01:13:45,506 --> 01:13:46,632
When I was eight years old,
1551
01:13:46,799 --> 01:13:48,759
my Halloween costume
was a stay-at-home Dad.
1552
01:13:48,967 --> 01:13:50,344
You're saying I never
have to go to work again.
1553
01:13:50,511 --> 01:13:51,845
I get to hang out with a baby all day?
1554
01:13:52,012 --> 01:13:53,013
Just stop saying the word "baby."
1555
01:13:53,180 --> 01:13:55,420
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!
1556
01:13:56,642 --> 01:13:58,435
Okay, listen.
1557
01:13:59,186 --> 01:14:03,690
You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together
1558
01:14:04,191 --> 01:14:07,361
and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.
1559
01:14:07,528 --> 01:14:09,696
And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired
1560
01:14:09,863 --> 01:14:14,118
and I would hate to do it,
but I would agree to let you drive.
1561
01:14:14,284 --> 01:14:16,453
And then, I would feel very safe,
1562
01:14:16,620 --> 01:14:18,413
and that's when we would crash.
1563
01:14:18,956 --> 01:14:21,708
You think you can control everything,
but you can't.
1564
01:14:22,876 --> 01:14:24,378
That's not how this works.
1565
01:14:25,045 --> 01:14:28,632
If I could choose someone
to do this with, it would be you.
1566
01:14:28,799 --> 01:14:30,175
You can choose!
1567
01:14:30,342 --> 01:14:33,887
I just... I'm not the only one
in the car, anymore.
1568
01:14:34,096 --> 01:14:35,097
(SIGHS)
1569
01:14:37,933 --> 01:14:39,184
Yeah.
1570
01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:44,064
Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.
1571
01:14:44,982 --> 01:14:47,025
This is you pushing me away.
1572
01:15:00,455 --> 01:15:01,874
(SIGHS)
1573
01:15:07,504 --> 01:15:09,923
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
1574
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,948
- Daddy?
- Yeah, babe?
1575
01:15:35,115 --> 01:15:37,326
I want the Eyes of You song.
1576
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:39,077
Sing it to me.
1577
01:15:41,038 --> 01:15:43,415
Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?
1578
01:15:46,877 --> 01:15:47,878
Get some sleep.
1579
01:16:02,726 --> 01:16:03,727
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
1580
01:16:21,328 --> 01:16:23,538
ALICE: It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now
1581
01:16:23,705 --> 01:16:25,999
and we would have, like,
the cutest little baby daughter
1582
01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:29,795
and she would probably
be named after a fruit.
1583
01:16:29,962 --> 01:16:32,381
What kind of name is George,
anyway? Right?
1584
01:16:32,547 --> 01:16:33,840
I hate his hair.
1585
01:16:34,341 --> 01:16:37,010
Actually, technically,
we would have a four-year-old daughter,
1586
01:16:37,177 --> 01:16:39,680
in which case, her name would be Rihanna.
1587
01:16:39,846 --> 01:16:41,974
What? We haven't known
each other four years.
1588
01:16:42,140 --> 01:16:43,517
No, not you. Josh.
1589
01:16:43,684 --> 01:16:44,685
Oh, right, yeah.
1590
01:16:44,851 --> 01:16:46,687
But, exactly.
It's the same thing with me and Lucy.
1591
01:16:46,853 --> 01:16:50,023
It's like, if I go to work,
and she's not there,
1592
01:16:50,691 --> 01:16:51,942
I'm like mad or something.
1593
01:16:52,109 --> 01:16:56,113
Yeah. Which is nuts, because
she's not completely disgusted by you.
1594
01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:58,657
I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.
1595
01:16:58,824 --> 01:17:00,325
Yeah. I don't know, man.
1596
01:17:01,201 --> 01:17:03,745
Maybe we've just made all the wrong moves.
1597
01:17:04,830 --> 01:17:07,833
Maybe, this whole time,
we've been focusing on all the wrong stuff
1598
01:17:08,000 --> 01:17:09,876
and now it's just too late.
1599
01:17:10,460 --> 01:17:12,212
To the wrong stuff.
1600
01:17:13,255 --> 01:17:15,590
This is it. We can't pass "eleven."
1601
01:17:17,175 --> 01:17:18,468
What are you talking about?
1602
01:17:19,428 --> 01:17:21,138
Our drink number.
1603
01:17:21,305 --> 01:17:23,825
In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,
1604
01:17:23,890 --> 01:17:27,144
and if you pass it,
you have to have sex, mathematically.
1605
01:17:27,853 --> 01:17:29,438
Whatever, dude. (CHUCKLES)
1606
01:17:30,230 --> 01:17:31,231
(BOTTLE CLATTERING)
1607
01:17:32,441 --> 01:17:34,526
Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.
1608
01:17:34,693 --> 01:17:36,403
Where did that come from?
1609
01:17:36,570 --> 01:17:38,905
Uh... The floor.
1610
01:17:40,198 --> 01:17:43,410
One, two, three. That's three.
1611
01:17:45,412 --> 01:17:47,789
Four, five, six.
1612
01:17:49,750 --> 01:17:50,959
Seven.
1613
01:17:54,171 --> 01:17:55,922
Eight, nine.
1614
01:18:02,054 --> 01:18:04,514
It's just ten. It's just ten.
1615
01:18:05,432 --> 01:18:06,433
(EXHALES)
1616
01:18:08,894 --> 01:18:10,479
Eleven. Did you drink this?
1617
01:18:10,645 --> 01:18:11,646
No.
1618
01:18:11,813 --> 01:18:12,856
Oh, thank God.
1619
01:18:13,023 --> 01:18:14,191
You did.
1620
01:18:21,823 --> 01:18:23,867
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1621
01:18:26,870 --> 01:18:28,705
This may be a mistake.
1622
01:18:28,872 --> 01:18:30,582
It's just such a bad idea.
1623
01:18:30,749 --> 01:18:33,210
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was, like, trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.
1624
01:18:33,377 --> 01:18:35,504
Yeah, see, normally,
I feel like I'd be mad at that.
1625
01:18:35,670 --> 01:18:37,464
But I just did
the exact same thing to you.
1626
01:18:37,631 --> 01:18:39,800
Right, yeah. Shit.
1627
01:18:39,966 --> 01:18:41,259
I think I like her.
1628
01:18:42,135 --> 01:18:44,638
Like, when we're together...
1629
01:18:45,806 --> 01:18:49,267
I feel like me, but, like... A better me.
1630
01:18:52,270 --> 01:18:55,482
See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.
1631
01:18:55,649 --> 01:18:56,775
Yeah.
1632
01:19:01,613 --> 01:19:03,281
I can let myself out.
1633
01:19:04,324 --> 01:19:05,325
(ALICE CLEARS THROAT)
1634
01:19:05,617 --> 01:19:06,618
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1635
01:19:06,993 --> 01:19:07,994
(CHUCKLES)
1636
01:19:08,995 --> 01:19:09,996
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1637
01:19:19,589 --> 01:19:20,590
(EXHALES)
1638
01:19:34,479 --> 01:19:35,480
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
1639
01:19:36,273 --> 01:19:37,899
ALL: Cheers! (LAUGHING)
1640
01:19:45,407 --> 01:19:47,117
- Whoa!
- (LAUGHING)
1641
01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:50,787
Alice! Happy Birthday!
1642
01:19:50,954 --> 01:19:51,955
Hi!
1643
01:19:52,122 --> 01:19:53,707
Thank you. What is that? Give me that.
1644
01:19:54,040 --> 01:19:55,542
Um, this is actually for Meg.
1645
01:19:55,709 --> 01:19:57,294
I had it made for her, specially.
1646
01:19:59,087 --> 01:20:02,215
Aw. That is so sweet. Look how cozy.
1647
01:20:04,468 --> 01:20:06,761
Maybe I'll give it to her. Just, later on.
1648
01:20:06,928 --> 01:20:07,971
Hey!
1649
01:20:08,138 --> 01:20:09,306
ALICE: No Tom, no Josh,
1650
01:20:09,473 --> 01:20:10,993
I'm just gonna have a really good time
1651
01:20:11,141 --> 01:20:13,894
and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.
1652
01:20:14,060 --> 01:20:15,770
Here's to no drama.
1653
01:20:15,937 --> 01:20:18,523
- No drama.
- Whoo!
1654
01:20:18,815 --> 01:20:21,651
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1655
01:20:25,864 --> 01:20:27,157
Happy Birthday!
1656
01:20:35,582 --> 01:20:36,583
(ALL CHEERING)
1657
01:20:37,250 --> 01:20:38,251
Whoo!
1658
01:20:46,551 --> 01:20:47,677
TOM: Thanks, buddy.
1659
01:20:48,261 --> 01:20:49,262
(GASPS)
1660
01:20:50,388 --> 01:20:51,765
I'll show you. This way.
1661
01:20:54,392 --> 01:20:56,019
- Oh, my God.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
1662
01:20:58,188 --> 01:21:00,398
- Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!
- RICKY: Josh! What's up, man?
1663
01:21:00,565 --> 01:21:02,317
Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!
1664
01:21:02,484 --> 01:21:03,985
I'm just hanging.
1665
01:21:04,152 --> 01:21:06,196
I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.
1666
01:21:06,363 --> 01:21:08,406
- Okay, cool. Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna find Alice.
1667
01:21:09,824 --> 01:21:11,201
Tall person.
1668
01:21:12,744 --> 01:21:14,371
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1669
01:21:15,121 --> 01:21:16,831
TOM: We got a whole "No hats" thing
1670
01:21:16,998 --> 01:21:20,669
but you seem like a good guy,
and, you know...
1671
01:21:21,419 --> 01:21:23,046
Hey. What's up, guys?
1672
01:21:23,213 --> 01:21:24,589
- Hey.
- Hey. Josh.
1673
01:21:25,298 --> 01:21:26,299
You're Josh?
1674
01:21:26,758 --> 01:21:27,759
What's that supposed to mean?
1675
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:30,720
No... Nothing. Makes total sense.
1676
01:21:30,887 --> 01:21:32,180
Wait, how do you know Alice?
1677
01:21:32,347 --> 01:21:33,515
How do you guys know Alice?
1678
01:21:33,682 --> 01:21:35,141
Oh, fuck me.
1679
01:21:35,308 --> 01:21:36,393
This is Josh.
1680
01:21:36,768 --> 01:21:37,852
Makes sense.
1681
01:21:38,019 --> 01:21:40,313
What? Are you guys new friends, or...
1682
01:21:41,106 --> 01:21:43,149
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1683
01:21:44,484 --> 01:21:45,485
Oh, my God.
1684
01:21:46,236 --> 01:21:47,404
Come here.
1685
01:21:47,654 --> 01:21:50,699
Um, Tom is here, and David, and Josh.
1686
01:21:50,865 --> 01:21:52,492
And David. Did I say David?
1687
01:21:52,659 --> 01:21:54,411
Yeah, I know, because I invited them.
1688
01:21:54,578 --> 01:21:55,620
You're welcome.
1689
01:21:55,787 --> 01:21:56,955
Why? Why would you do that?
1690
01:21:57,122 --> 01:21:59,916
Because I thought it would be funny.
For me.
1691
01:22:00,083 --> 01:22:04,504
And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.
1692
01:22:08,925 --> 01:22:10,176
- Hey.
- Hey.
1693
01:22:10,343 --> 01:22:11,720
- What's going on?
- How are you?
1694
01:22:12,053 --> 01:22:15,140
Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.
1695
01:22:15,307 --> 01:22:17,309
- Great. Me, too.
- You go first.
1696
01:22:17,475 --> 01:22:19,394
- I'm getting married.
- What?
1697
01:22:20,020 --> 01:22:21,354
That's, uh...
1698
01:22:22,981 --> 01:22:27,694
Look, your computer programs
are total bullshit.
1699
01:22:27,861 --> 01:22:30,405
Your algorithms?
Also, total bullshit, all right?
1700
01:22:30,572 --> 01:22:33,533
Just because the music stops, doesn't mean
you got to sit in the closest chair.
1701
01:22:33,700 --> 01:22:35,785
You shouldn't be with George.
1702
01:22:35,952 --> 01:22:37,078
You should be with me.
1703
01:22:38,872 --> 01:22:41,416
- Yes. I want to be with you.
- What?
1704
01:22:41,583 --> 01:22:44,044
God, all those bad dates at the bar,
1705
01:22:44,210 --> 01:22:46,504
there was something that was always there.
1706
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:47,714
You.
1707
01:22:50,091 --> 01:22:51,176
It was always me.
1708
01:22:51,343 --> 01:22:53,094
- Yes. Oh, my God.
- Right?
1709
01:22:53,261 --> 01:22:54,554
We could have the best life together.
1710
01:22:54,721 --> 01:22:56,431
And, I mean, we're gonna want
to get married soon
1711
01:22:56,598 --> 01:22:58,838
because we'll probably want to
start a family right away.
1712
01:22:58,892 --> 01:23:02,187
Oh, my God. Our kids...
Our kids are gonna be so cute.
1713
01:23:02,479 --> 01:23:03,813
Exactly.
1714
01:23:03,980 --> 01:23:07,567
Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes
1715
01:23:07,734 --> 01:23:09,152
and not rush things, you know?
1716
01:23:09,319 --> 01:23:12,572
(STUTTERS)
Let's take care of us right now.
1717
01:23:12,739 --> 01:23:14,032
Oh, my God, Tom.
1718
01:23:14,199 --> 01:23:15,742
I'm totally messing with you.
1719
01:23:16,076 --> 01:23:17,744
Thank you. Oh, my God.
1720
01:23:17,911 --> 01:23:19,371
I don't want to be with you.
1721
01:23:19,663 --> 01:23:21,414
And you don't want to be with me, either.
1722
01:23:21,581 --> 01:23:23,416
- Wait.
- Babe!
1723
01:23:23,583 --> 01:23:25,168
- Oh, my God.
- I saw everything.
1724
01:23:25,335 --> 01:23:27,095
I thought you were gonna
hyperventilate, man.
1725
01:23:27,212 --> 01:23:28,630
But I didn't!
1726
01:23:28,922 --> 01:23:31,591
Oh, Tom. Come on. Don't be sad.
1727
01:23:31,758 --> 01:23:32,926
You know what this is?
1728
01:23:33,134 --> 01:23:36,096
This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life
1729
01:23:36,262 --> 01:23:39,349
fighting its way out of
the gravel parking lot of your heart.
1730
01:23:39,516 --> 01:23:40,767
So, congrats.
1731
01:23:41,351 --> 01:23:44,729
- (SCOFFS) That was beautiful.
- Thank you, hon.
1732
01:23:44,896 --> 01:23:46,231
Hang on, one second.
1733
01:23:46,398 --> 01:23:48,441
Hey, quick, man, just one last thing.
1734
01:23:48,608 --> 01:23:51,069
Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?
1735
01:23:51,236 --> 01:23:53,321
Or I will straight-up end you.
1736
01:23:53,488 --> 01:23:54,489
- Okay. All right.
- Okay?
1737
01:23:54,656 --> 01:23:55,856
So, just back off. You got it?
1738
01:23:55,949 --> 01:23:57,429
- Yeah.
- Because I put a ring on that
1739
01:23:57,492 --> 01:23:59,577
and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.
1740
01:23:59,744 --> 01:24:01,621
- Okay.
- I'm fucking with you, man.
1741
01:24:02,247 --> 01:24:03,248
- Cool, okay.
- No, of course.
1742
01:24:03,415 --> 01:24:05,500
Lucy loves you, I love you.
1743
01:24:05,667 --> 01:24:06,960
We're brothers, now, all right?
1744
01:24:07,127 --> 01:24:09,838
And, as such, I would like to...
1745
01:24:10,255 --> 01:24:11,881
This is a big one...
1746
01:24:12,215 --> 01:24:13,967
(SIGHS) Ask you to be my best man.
1747
01:24:16,302 --> 01:24:18,622
- (STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.
- I'm fucking with you, bro!
1748
01:24:18,722 --> 01:24:21,683
Of course, you can't be my best man.
You are a stranger to me.
1749
01:24:21,891 --> 01:24:22,934
- Okay?
- Yeah.
1750
01:24:23,101 --> 01:24:25,478
Just to recap...
Stay the fuck away from my girl.
1751
01:24:25,645 --> 01:24:27,230
I don't want you to be my best man.
1752
01:24:27,397 --> 01:24:29,149
We still love you, you're family.
1753
01:24:29,315 --> 01:24:30,567
You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.
1754
01:24:30,734 --> 01:24:32,360
- Okay.
- But, probably not.
1755
01:24:32,527 --> 01:24:33,820
So, don't be offended.
1756
01:24:33,987 --> 01:24:35,447
I'm glad we had this talk, man.
1757
01:24:41,536 --> 01:24:42,871
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Whoo!
1758
01:24:45,331 --> 01:24:46,332
DAVID: Uh...
1759
01:24:47,542 --> 01:24:48,918
You trying to hide from me?
1760
01:24:49,961 --> 01:24:51,880
- Are you hiding from me? Hi.
- Huh? Hi.
1761
01:24:52,046 --> 01:24:54,215
I didn't see you, right over there.
1762
01:24:54,382 --> 01:24:55,383
It's a good hiding spot.
1763
01:24:56,259 --> 01:24:57,343
Uh, listen.
1764
01:24:58,511 --> 01:24:59,763
I've been thinking about you a lot...
1765
01:24:59,929 --> 01:25:01,723
Look, David, I'm sorry, I...
1766
01:25:01,890 --> 01:25:02,891
I can't do this.
1767
01:25:03,057 --> 01:25:06,394
You made it so clear to me
that you didn't want to, so...
1768
01:25:06,561 --> 01:25:07,979
That's not why I came here at all.
1769
01:25:08,146 --> 01:25:10,690
I just came here to apologize to you
1770
01:25:11,274 --> 01:25:12,734
for being such an asshole.
1771
01:25:12,942 --> 01:25:15,195
- Oh.
- Yeah.
1772
01:25:15,445 --> 01:25:16,446
(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)
1773
01:25:17,363 --> 01:25:18,490
Well, you were right about Phoebe.
1774
01:25:18,656 --> 01:25:20,450
Oh, good. Did you talk to her?
1775
01:25:20,617 --> 01:25:23,203
Well, um, you know, I'm working on it.
1776
01:25:23,369 --> 01:25:25,663
But are you okay?
1777
01:25:26,664 --> 01:25:28,166
(CHORTLES)
1778
01:25:30,126 --> 01:25:31,503
I'm working on it.
1779
01:25:36,549 --> 01:25:37,717
Happy Birthday.
1780
01:25:45,558 --> 01:25:47,352
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1781
01:25:52,649 --> 01:25:54,734
See? I told you this would be fun.
1782
01:25:54,901 --> 01:25:57,111
Although, I thought one of them was, like,
gonna punch each other
1783
01:25:57,278 --> 01:25:58,530
and that hasn't happened yet.
1784
01:25:58,696 --> 01:26:01,241
Robin, this isn't a joke. This is my life.
1785
01:26:01,407 --> 01:26:03,743
But you know what? I guess
you wouldn't actually understand that
1786
01:26:03,910 --> 01:26:07,288
because you've never really cared
about anybody enough to ever get hurt.
1787
01:26:07,455 --> 01:26:09,707
So, this type of thing doesn't affect you.
1788
01:26:09,874 --> 01:26:13,419
Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,
but who gives a shit about me?
1789
01:26:13,586 --> 01:26:15,255
I do, because you're my friend!
1790
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:17,757
Am I? Because as far as I can tell
1791
01:26:17,924 --> 01:26:20,260
you only ever want to hang out with me
when you get dumped
1792
01:26:20,426 --> 01:26:21,906
and you need someone to cheer you up.
1793
01:26:22,011 --> 01:26:23,451
Well, you only ever hang out with me
1794
01:26:23,555 --> 01:26:25,431
when you need me
to be your little sidekick.
1795
01:26:25,598 --> 01:26:27,934
The reason
why I don't hang around with you
1796
01:26:28,101 --> 01:26:29,394
when you're in a relationship,
1797
01:26:29,561 --> 01:26:33,815
is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.
1798
01:26:34,232 --> 01:26:35,233
Nice.
1799
01:26:35,400 --> 01:26:37,443
- Yeah, do you want some real advice?
- Yeah, what?
1800
01:26:37,610 --> 01:26:42,282
You're not gonna find the right guy
by bumming free drinks and slutting it up.
1801
01:26:42,448 --> 01:26:43,950
Where is this coming from?
1802
01:26:44,117 --> 01:26:46,037
This whole time,
you've been the one that's like,
1803
01:26:46,077 --> 01:26:48,788
"Oh, yeah, parties and dicks and shots.
1804
01:26:48,955 --> 01:26:52,625
"Let's put shots all over our bodies.
More sparkles, bitch!"
1805
01:26:52,792 --> 01:26:54,961
It's about me being sick of you just
1806
01:26:55,128 --> 01:26:57,130
meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.
1807
01:26:57,297 --> 01:26:58,381
Falling into their what?
1808
01:26:58,548 --> 01:27:00,383
Their dick-sand.
1809
01:27:00,550 --> 01:27:02,802
It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,
1810
01:27:02,969 --> 01:27:04,679
you just forget who you are, and...
1811
01:27:04,888 --> 01:27:06,055
Like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"
1812
01:27:07,432 --> 01:27:09,100
You get sucked into their world.
1813
01:27:09,934 --> 01:27:11,811
At least when I do decide
I want a boyfriend...
1814
01:27:11,978 --> 01:27:14,314
I'm gonna find someone
who likes me for who I really am,
1815
01:27:14,480 --> 01:27:17,191
because I know who the fuck that is.
1816
01:27:29,704 --> 01:27:30,872
(EXHALES)
1817
01:28:01,027 --> 01:28:02,070
Hey.
1818
01:28:02,612 --> 01:28:03,821
Oh, my God.
1819
01:28:04,530 --> 01:28:06,658
- Happy Birthday.
- (SCOFFS)
1820
01:28:07,533 --> 01:28:09,243
It's your birthday!
1821
01:28:10,828 --> 01:28:12,789
And I drank some of your gift.
1822
01:28:21,673 --> 01:28:22,799
You okay?
1823
01:28:27,762 --> 01:28:29,347
No. No.
1824
01:28:36,562 --> 01:28:38,815
God, you look pretty when you're pissed.
1825
01:28:46,990 --> 01:28:48,992
- I missed these.
- (CHUCKLES)
1826
01:28:52,829 --> 01:28:54,247
- What are we doing?
- We're about to have sex.
1827
01:28:54,414 --> 01:28:55,456
ALICE: What?
1828
01:28:56,249 --> 01:28:57,667
- God.
- What?
1829
01:28:58,084 --> 01:29:01,212
So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.
1830
01:29:01,379 --> 01:29:03,006
I shouldn't have let you go.
1831
01:29:04,757 --> 01:29:09,262
Because Michelle and I are still together,
and we're actually engaged
1832
01:29:09,429 --> 01:29:11,222
- and I feel like we're fucking up...
- What? What?
1833
01:29:11,389 --> 01:29:14,517
We're getting married,
but I don't know if I want to do it yet.
1834
01:29:15,268 --> 01:29:16,519
- Oh, my God.
- Wait!
1835
01:29:16,686 --> 01:29:18,730
- I'm just telling...
- Oh, my God.
1836
01:29:18,896 --> 01:29:20,398
- Oh, my God.
- Come here, come here.
1837
01:29:20,565 --> 01:29:22,645
You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiancé.
1838
01:29:22,775 --> 01:29:25,028
No, it's not cheating,
since we've already been together.
1839
01:29:25,194 --> 01:29:26,654
- What are you doing?
- Wait, just...
1840
01:29:26,821 --> 01:29:28,031
You told me you missed me!
1841
01:29:28,197 --> 01:29:30,825
I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.
1842
01:29:30,992 --> 01:29:35,621
I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.
1843
01:29:36,414 --> 01:29:38,249
And I just need closure...
1844
01:29:38,416 --> 01:29:39,500
- I think we need...
- Is that what this...
1845
01:29:39,667 --> 01:29:41,294
- This is closure for you?
- Yeah.
1846
01:29:41,461 --> 01:29:43,212
Just one last screw for old times' sake
1847
01:29:43,379 --> 01:29:45,965
before you go and settle down
with somebody else?
1848
01:29:46,132 --> 01:29:47,341
(SIGHS) That's not...
1849
01:29:48,676 --> 01:29:50,845
I'm sorry, all right?
1850
01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:53,681
- Alice.
- No, you know, what?
1851
01:29:53,848 --> 01:29:56,309
I'm sorry. This is my fault.
1852
01:29:56,476 --> 01:29:59,020
I spent so much time wanting you back
1853
01:29:59,187 --> 01:30:01,731
that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,
1854
01:30:01,898 --> 01:30:03,858
it's like I lost my mind for a second.
1855
01:30:05,026 --> 01:30:06,826
Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.
1856
01:30:06,944 --> 01:30:08,905
I'm falling into your dick-sand right now.
1857
01:30:09,072 --> 01:30:10,907
- What?
- It's like quicksand, but with dicks.
1858
01:30:11,074 --> 01:30:12,116
I don't have dick-sand.
1859
01:30:12,283 --> 01:30:16,788
I'm so obsessed with the idea of
being in love that I just, it's like...
1860
01:30:17,622 --> 01:30:19,540
I completely lose myself.
1861
01:30:19,749 --> 01:30:23,252
Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.
1862
01:30:23,419 --> 01:30:25,254
I'm like the horse
in The Neverending Story.
1863
01:30:25,421 --> 01:30:28,174
I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.
1864
01:30:29,133 --> 01:30:31,552
Josh. I want to be alone.
1865
01:30:33,096 --> 01:30:35,014
I know that I've said that a lot.
1866
01:30:36,015 --> 01:30:40,353
But, for the first time in my life,
I really, really, truly mean it.
1867
01:30:41,729 --> 01:30:43,773
Congratulations on your engagement.
1868
01:30:51,364 --> 01:30:52,365
(EXHALES)
1869
01:31:09,841 --> 01:31:11,134
Where to?
1870
01:31:11,509 --> 01:31:12,635
Home.
1871
01:31:13,553 --> 01:31:14,554
(SIGHS)
1872
01:31:14,887 --> 01:31:16,222
I'm going home.
1873
01:31:19,392 --> 01:31:21,602
Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.
1874
01:31:21,811 --> 01:31:23,187
Oh, I'm sorry.
1875
01:31:23,354 --> 01:31:25,481
Um, can I go to South Second and Berry?
1876
01:31:31,028 --> 01:31:32,822
- (ROBIN GRUNTS)
- Oh, my God!
1877
01:31:33,406 --> 01:31:35,324
- (ROBIN EXCLAIMS)
- Robin? Oh, my God!
1878
01:31:36,033 --> 01:31:38,411
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
1879
01:31:38,578 --> 01:31:40,079
Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!
1880
01:31:40,246 --> 01:31:42,123
- What's happening?
- We got to go...
1881
01:31:42,498 --> 01:31:44,584
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!
1882
01:31:44,876 --> 01:31:45,877
(MEG GROANS)
1883
01:31:46,127 --> 01:31:47,211
Oh, God!
1884
01:31:47,378 --> 01:31:48,458
Oh, my God, it's happening.
1885
01:31:48,588 --> 01:31:49,672
No, no, no.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
1886
01:31:49,839 --> 01:31:50,840
- Oh, my God!
- No, it's fine!
1887
01:31:51,007 --> 01:31:52,216
I got her, I got her.
1888
01:31:52,383 --> 01:31:55,219
The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.
1889
01:31:55,386 --> 01:31:57,096
It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.
1890
01:31:57,263 --> 01:31:58,931
- It's gonna be fine.
- Okay.
1891
01:31:59,098 --> 01:32:00,725
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
1892
01:32:00,892 --> 01:32:02,572
Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?
1893
01:32:02,602 --> 01:32:03,603
- Get a cab. Get me a cab.
- Okay!
1894
01:32:03,769 --> 01:32:04,937
ROBIN: I've got one!
1895
01:32:05,229 --> 01:32:06,230
(PANTING)
1896
01:32:06,606 --> 01:32:08,274
(GRUNTS) Ooh!
1897
01:32:09,567 --> 01:32:11,694
Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!
1898
01:32:12,278 --> 01:32:14,678
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- MEG: (BREATHING HEAVILY) This is bad.
1899
01:32:15,781 --> 01:32:17,867
- Okay, okay.
- Oh... This is really bad! (GRUNTS)
1900
01:32:19,202 --> 01:32:21,287
I need to call my patients and say sorry.
1901
01:32:21,495 --> 01:32:22,496
No.
1902
01:32:22,788 --> 01:32:24,790
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- This is not natural!
1903
01:32:24,957 --> 01:32:25,958
- Okay.
- God!
1904
01:32:26,125 --> 01:32:27,460
You're at 10 centimeters
1905
01:32:27,627 --> 01:32:29,545
and you've already entered
the second phase of labor,
1906
01:32:29,712 --> 01:32:31,547
- known as active labor.
- What?
1907
01:32:32,048 --> 01:32:34,128
I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?
1908
01:32:34,217 --> 01:32:35,218
Yes!
1909
01:32:35,384 --> 01:32:37,136
This is gonna happen, like, right now.
1910
01:32:37,303 --> 01:32:38,554
Get your foot off my tit.
1911
01:32:38,721 --> 01:32:40,097
Get your foot off my tit, okay?
1912
01:32:40,264 --> 01:32:41,933
It's coming. You are the cliché!
1913
01:32:42,099 --> 01:32:45,102
You are the lady who's about to
have a baby in the back of a taxi
1914
01:32:45,269 --> 01:32:48,147
and I'm the Australian-American hero
who's gonna make it happen!
1915
01:32:48,314 --> 01:32:50,107
- In the cab, though?
- Don't worry, Meg.
1916
01:32:50,274 --> 01:32:53,611
My hands and my mouth have both
been recently sterilized by vodka.
1917
01:32:53,778 --> 01:32:55,154
- Feels like it's coming out.
- No, no, no, no...
1918
01:32:55,321 --> 01:32:56,364
ROBIN: I'm going in. I'm going in.
1919
01:32:56,530 --> 01:32:57,615
- Chant with me!
- ALICE: Hold it inside!
1920
01:32:57,782 --> 01:32:59,575
- We can do this.
- Do this.
1921
01:32:59,742 --> 01:33:01,911
We can do this.
1922
01:33:02,078 --> 01:33:03,496
We can do this, we can do this.
1923
01:33:03,955 --> 01:33:04,956
(GRUNTING)
1924
01:33:05,706 --> 01:33:07,124
We're here! We're here!
1925
01:33:07,291 --> 01:33:08,376
ALICE: Get out. Get out.
MEG: Okay, open the door.
1926
01:33:08,542 --> 01:33:09,877
ROBIN: Shit, the door's...
MEG: Open the door.
1927
01:33:10,044 --> 01:33:11,254
- It won't open!
- MEG: Open the door!
1928
01:33:11,420 --> 01:33:12,421
- It won't open!
- ALICE: The door!
1929
01:33:12,588 --> 01:33:15,007
Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...
1930
01:33:15,174 --> 01:33:17,094
- ALICE: What are you doing?
- The door's locked!
1931
01:33:17,218 --> 01:33:18,618
- (MEG CRYING)
- Just open the door!
1932
01:33:18,844 --> 01:33:19,845
MEG: It's coming out!
1933
01:33:20,179 --> 01:33:22,807
ALICE: Robin! Okay, you have to help her!
1934
01:33:22,974 --> 01:33:24,894
You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?
1935
01:33:24,976 --> 01:33:25,977
MEG: I can't.
ALICE: Help her.
1936
01:33:26,143 --> 01:33:27,183
- (MEG GROANING)
- Come on!
1937
01:33:27,603 --> 01:33:29,063
Close your legs really tight.
1938
01:33:29,230 --> 01:33:30,710
- Do not let it come out!
- (GRUNTING)
1939
01:33:32,024 --> 01:33:33,526
Robin, it was locked!
1940
01:33:33,859 --> 01:33:34,860
(BOTH GROANING)
1941
01:33:35,486 --> 01:33:36,821
Come on!
1942
01:33:37,196 --> 01:33:38,197
(MEG GROANING)
1943
01:33:39,198 --> 01:33:40,324
- Oh! My purse.
- No, no, no, no!
1944
01:33:40,491 --> 01:33:41,784
- Keep it inside.
- MEG: It's coming out!
1945
01:33:41,951 --> 01:33:42,952
I need a... We need a wheelchair.
1946
01:33:43,119 --> 01:33:44,370
Jesus. Okay, don't let it come out!
1947
01:33:44,537 --> 01:33:45,830
- It's gonna come out.
- Don't let it come out.
1948
01:33:45,997 --> 01:33:47,873
- Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
- I need to... I need to push.
1949
01:33:48,082 --> 01:33:49,917
- It's coming out. It's coming out.
- Are you coming?
1950
01:33:50,084 --> 01:33:51,877
You don't need me anymore.
1951
01:33:53,796 --> 01:33:54,797
(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)
1952
01:33:55,256 --> 01:33:56,507
ALICE: Okay.
MEG: Oh, God. Okay.
1953
01:33:57,216 --> 01:33:58,884
- MEG: I'm scared.
- I'm right here.
1954
01:34:08,519 --> 01:34:10,104
(INFANT COOS)
1955
01:34:19,071 --> 01:34:20,114
(SOFTLY) Hi.
1956
01:34:21,907 --> 01:34:23,034
(WHISPERS) I called him.
1957
01:34:25,202 --> 01:34:29,332
Look, I know you don't want me here,
but just listen to me, okay?
1958
01:34:30,416 --> 01:34:32,626
You like me. A lot.
1959
01:34:33,711 --> 01:34:34,754
And I like you.
1960
01:34:35,546 --> 01:34:37,631
And you're crazy. That's a fact.
1961
01:34:38,049 --> 01:34:40,929
Honestly, I think you're probably
just as crazy when you're not pregnant.
1962
01:34:42,219 --> 01:34:45,431
But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.
1963
01:34:47,558 --> 01:34:48,601
I love you.
1964
01:34:52,229 --> 01:34:53,773
I'm gonna come back later.
1965
01:34:56,442 --> 01:34:57,902
Thanks for calling.
1966
01:34:58,069 --> 01:34:59,278
Don't be weird.
1967
01:34:59,445 --> 01:35:01,113
Thank you, thank...
1968
01:35:02,114 --> 01:35:04,575
Well, are you gonna come meet her or not?
1969
01:35:04,742 --> 01:35:06,118
- Her?
- Mmm-hmm.
1970
01:35:07,161 --> 01:35:08,621
KEN: It's a "her"?
1971
01:35:11,624 --> 01:35:13,667
This is baby Madeline.
1972
01:35:13,834 --> 01:35:16,087
Oh, my God, look at you.
1973
01:35:16,962 --> 01:35:18,631
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
1974
01:35:20,257 --> 01:35:21,634
She's beautiful.
1975
01:35:23,177 --> 01:35:25,179
And I think I love you, too.
1976
01:35:27,098 --> 01:35:29,809
I mean, I do love you,
I don't know why I just said that.
1977
01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:31,519
I really love you.
1978
01:35:31,685 --> 01:35:34,021
- I really, really love you.
- (CHUCKLES)
1979
01:35:34,188 --> 01:35:35,648
(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...
1980
01:35:35,815 --> 01:35:38,484
I can totally handle
all of this by myself.
1981
01:35:38,651 --> 01:35:39,652
I'm an independent woman.
1982
01:35:39,819 --> 01:35:40,903
My God, seriously?
1983
01:35:41,195 --> 01:35:42,738
But I don't want to.
1984
01:35:43,406 --> 01:35:44,490
I don't.
1985
01:35:46,826 --> 01:35:47,827
MEG: Mmm.
1986
01:35:50,746 --> 01:35:51,747
- Hi.
- Mmm.
1987
01:35:53,332 --> 01:35:56,127
- Doesn't she look like an alien?
- (SNORTS)
1988
01:35:56,710 --> 01:35:59,380
You are the most beautiful alien
in the world.
1989
01:36:16,355 --> 01:36:18,107
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1990
01:36:31,036 --> 01:36:32,037
(EXHALES)
1991
01:37:28,052 --> 01:37:29,470
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
1992
01:38:00,459 --> 01:38:01,460
Hi.
1993
01:38:02,294 --> 01:38:03,379
What do you want?
1994
01:38:03,796 --> 01:38:07,049
I wanted to tell you that I know
that I can do a lot of things on my own.
1995
01:38:07,216 --> 01:38:11,011
And I can unzip my own dress,
but I want you to do it for me.
1996
01:38:11,845 --> 01:38:13,556
That sounded really weird. Um...
1997
01:38:14,473 --> 01:38:16,308
I want you to watch me unzip my dress.
1998
01:38:16,475 --> 01:38:19,478
No, sorry. That sounded really sexual.
That's not what I meant.
1999
01:38:19,645 --> 01:38:22,481
What I meant is
I want to unzip my own dress
2000
01:38:22,648 --> 01:38:26,485
and I just want you to be around,
because you're my best friend.
2001
01:38:28,320 --> 01:38:29,655
And I love you.
2002
01:38:30,990 --> 01:38:32,950
(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally
in love with you, too.
2003
01:38:33,826 --> 01:38:35,578
This is more than just a friendship.
2004
01:38:36,370 --> 01:38:38,330
I'm so glad you feel the same way.
2005
01:38:39,999 --> 01:38:41,875
Just joking! (LAUGHS)
2006
01:38:42,251 --> 01:38:44,253
- Oh, my God.
- I got you.
2007
01:38:44,420 --> 01:38:46,046
Oh, but I do love you.
2008
01:38:46,213 --> 01:38:47,673
- And I missed you.
- Oh.
2009
01:38:48,048 --> 01:38:51,010
I've been having
Alice withdrawal, seriously.
2010
01:38:54,221 --> 01:38:56,557
Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?
2011
01:38:56,807 --> 01:39:00,269
(GASPS) Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,
2012
01:39:00,436 --> 01:39:02,730
where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?
2013
01:39:03,355 --> 01:39:04,607
Uh, yeah.
2014
01:39:05,024 --> 01:39:06,775
I'm super rich. Did I not mention that?
2015
01:39:06,942 --> 01:39:08,986
Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?
2016
01:39:09,194 --> 01:39:10,654
Why did you even work at the firm?
2017
01:39:10,863 --> 01:39:11,864
(WHIRRING)
2018
01:39:12,031 --> 01:39:14,074
Wait, why do I pay for everything
all the time?
2019
01:39:15,367 --> 01:39:16,452
Wow.
2020
01:39:16,619 --> 01:39:19,413
Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.
2021
01:39:19,580 --> 01:39:22,708
I just really liked hanging out with you.
2022
01:39:22,875 --> 01:39:24,793
And screwing those two security guys.
2023
01:39:24,960 --> 01:39:26,086
Why do you have a scooter?
2024
01:39:26,253 --> 01:39:27,546
This is my indoor scooter.
2025
01:39:28,088 --> 01:39:29,381
I have the whole floor.
2026
01:39:29,632 --> 01:39:32,051
I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.
2027
01:39:32,217 --> 01:39:34,178
But that's how you stay super rich.
2028
01:39:34,553 --> 01:39:35,554
God!
2029
01:39:35,721 --> 01:39:37,139
You have so much to learn from me, still.
2030
01:39:37,306 --> 01:39:38,891
I want you to be my sugar-daddy.
2031
01:39:39,058 --> 01:39:40,726
I'll be your sugar-sister.
2032
01:39:41,894 --> 01:39:43,312
I thought you didn't do breakfast?
2033
01:39:43,604 --> 01:39:45,648
(SHUSHING) You're ruining it.
2034
01:39:48,067 --> 01:39:51,236
ALICE: I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,
2035
01:39:51,654 --> 01:39:54,740
is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.
2036
01:39:54,948 --> 01:39:55,949
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2037
01:39:56,200 --> 01:39:59,578
But how good at being alone
do we really want to be?
2038
01:40:00,496 --> 01:40:04,083
Isn't there a danger
that you'll get so good at being single,
2039
01:40:04,249 --> 01:40:05,417
so set in your ways
2040
01:40:05,584 --> 01:40:07,836
that you'll miss out on the chance
to be with somebody great?
2041
01:40:08,003 --> 01:40:09,254
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
2042
01:40:14,885 --> 01:40:17,429
Some people take baby steps
to settle down.
2043
01:40:18,097 --> 01:40:19,098
(FAUCET HISSING)
2044
01:40:25,062 --> 01:40:27,106
Some people refuse to settle at all.
2045
01:40:33,112 --> 01:40:35,155
Sometimes, it's not statistics.
2046
01:40:36,198 --> 01:40:38,325
It's just chemistry.
2047
01:40:38,784 --> 01:40:39,785
(INAUDIBLE)
2048
01:40:40,828 --> 01:40:43,288
And sometimes, just because it is over,
2049
01:40:43,831 --> 01:40:45,958
doesn't mean the love ends.
2050
01:40:48,210 --> 01:40:51,130
Um... I want to talk to
you about your mom.
2051
01:40:52,715 --> 01:40:55,092
She got sick when you were really little
2052
01:40:55,259 --> 01:40:59,638
and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.
2053
01:41:00,556 --> 01:41:01,640
Every day.
2054
01:41:03,350 --> 01:41:06,687
But we need to talk about her.
2055
01:41:07,646 --> 01:41:08,856
Who's that?
2056
01:41:09,231 --> 01:41:10,232
Me.
2057
01:41:10,691 --> 01:41:11,900
Who's that?
2058
01:41:12,401 --> 01:41:13,986
- Mommy.
- Yeah.
2059
01:41:14,987 --> 01:41:16,989
A lot of good memories in here.
2060
01:41:22,244 --> 01:41:23,495
I want to show you something.
2061
01:41:24,163 --> 01:41:25,164
(PHOEBE GIGGLING ON TV)
2062
01:41:25,497 --> 01:41:29,001
(SINGING CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU)
2063
01:41:30,586 --> 01:41:32,212
(PHOEBE MUMBLING)
2064
01:41:42,014 --> 01:41:44,224
The Eyes of You song.
(CHUCKLES)
2065
01:41:44,516 --> 01:41:45,517
(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)
2066
01:41:45,851 --> 01:41:47,519
The Eyes of You song.
2067
01:41:53,567 --> 01:41:56,111
(CONTINUES SINGING)
2068
01:41:56,528 --> 01:41:58,197
(SINGING ALONG)
2069
01:42:11,794 --> 01:42:12,795
(DAVID HUMMING)
2070
01:42:14,296 --> 01:42:15,297
(SNIFFLES)
2071
01:42:15,547 --> 01:42:17,758
PHOEBE: Now I know why you never sing.
2072
01:42:18,217 --> 01:42:19,301
Why?
2073
01:42:19,468 --> 01:42:22,387
- Because your voice is so bad.
- (LAUGHS)
2074
01:42:23,472 --> 01:42:26,308
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.
2075
01:42:26,809 --> 01:42:30,854
ALICE: The thing about being single is,
you should cherish it.
2076
01:42:31,814 --> 01:42:35,984
Because, in a week,
or a lifetime, of being alone,
2077
01:42:36,819 --> 01:42:38,737
you may only get one moment.
2078
01:42:43,742 --> 01:42:48,080
One moment, when you're not tied up
in a relationship with anyone.
2079
01:42:49,122 --> 01:42:52,543
A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend.
2080
01:42:59,591 --> 01:43:01,426
(PANTING)
2081
01:43:02,302 --> 01:43:05,097
One moment, when you stand on your own.
2082
01:43:09,309 --> 01:43:11,270
Really, truly single.
2083
01:43:11,478 --> 01:43:12,813
(CHUCKLES)
2084
01:43:20,279 --> 01:43:21,363
And then...
2085
01:43:25,117 --> 01:43:26,577
It's gone.
2086
01:43:29,413 --> 01:43:31,456
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)