1 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,479 Yeah? 2 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,839 No, sit properly like you're gonna mean it, 3 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,359 like you mean it. 4 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,719 No, Waj, don't muck about. 5 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,279 Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit... 6 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,999 Who's mucking about, Barry? I'm not mucking about. 7 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,279 Well, you can't sit like that. 8 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,559 What's wrong with how he's sitting, Barry? 9 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,159 Come and have a look. It's wrong. 10 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:56,519 There's nothing wrong with it. 11 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,439 - Not you! - Show me. 12 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,119 No! Right, what are you looking at? 13 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:02,519 There's nothing there. 14 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,719 No, there's nothing there. Go and sit down. 15 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,639 - You can't see yourself, you mug! - I thought you were recording it. 16 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,239 Right, sit, sit. 17 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,239 - Faisal, go away. - I'm ready, I'm ready. 18 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,839 - All right. - Waj, just relax your face. 19 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,719 Focus on what you're going to say. Get on with it. 20 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,799 - Go, before the battery goes. - One, two... 21 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,319 Three... action! 22 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,759 Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards. 23 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,279 - I'm gonna turn you baked beans... - No, no, no. 24 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,119 - What? - What's with the gun? 25 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,639 - Proper replica, man. - What for? Action Man? 26 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,439 Replica AK-47. 27 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,839 - It's too small, man. - Not too small, brother. 28 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,199 - My hands. - Waj... 29 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,719 Big hands. 30 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,319 He can't do it with that gun. 31 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,479 Shut up, Barry. Try it without, our kid, and let's go. 32 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,679 It's too small, believe me. 33 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,559 I'll hold it near the camera. That'll bigger it. 34 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,839 - That'll what? - That'll bigger it. 35 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,719 - Yeah. - Go now. 36 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,719 Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards. 37 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,919 No, no, no! This is absolutely stupid. 38 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,399 These are the outtakes. You know, the bloopers. 39 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,079 - He looks good. - Today is a wake-up call. 40 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,879 Today is an opportunity for you to look in the mirror 41 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,359 at western imperialist culture. 42 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,559 Superficial materialism 43 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,079 ends at the capitalist church of McDonald's. 44 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,679 Flipping idiots. 45 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,079 It's as though you just had a Big Mac, completely oblivious to the amount... 46 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,999 Complete flipping idiots. 47 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,399 You could've gone Chicken Cottage, proper halal, 48 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,479 bargain bucket £6.99. 49 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,359 - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about Chicken Cottage. 50 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,039 - There's one where he doesn't say that. - Your bit's good, Dad. 51 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:44,959 Take the box off. 52 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,159 I can't show my face cos it's an image. 53 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,439 And images aren't allowed. 54 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,719 You know what? They're all bloopers. 55 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,479 Take the box off. 56 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,279 What am I going to do if he does that at the camp? 57 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,199 Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan? 58 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,799 You can't do your jihadi video with a box on your head. 59 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:00,879 No way. 60 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,519 Ran 23K on the weekend. 61 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,319 6K Saturday morning. 62 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,959 Had a light lunch: Snack-a-Jacks and a medium apple. 63 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,599 5K in the afternoon, cos obviously it was after lunch, so... 64 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,359 Same again Sunday. 65 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,479 Although in the afternoon I only did 4K cos I'd had a roast. 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,239 Would've gone further, you know, but I started to run a bit lopsided. 67 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,559 I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger. 68 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,839 I think lefty just wants it more, you know. 69 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,879 Right leg's bone idle. 70 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,479 He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack. 71 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,799 Before you know it, you're running in curves. 72 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,479 I'm going to have to put my foot down, you know. 73 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,439 Really show him who's boss. Yeah. Know what I mean? 74 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,839 You do know you can talk to your legs, don't you? 75 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,919 - I need tomorrow off. - What? 76 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,759 I need tomorrow off, and the two weeks after that. 77 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,839 Jesus, I thought you were serious about this job, Omar. 78 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,959 I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan. 79 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,999 You've got to ask yourself where you'll be in five years' time. 80 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,759 - It's an emergency. - What, an emergency wedding? 81 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,919 Like a shotgun wedding? 82 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,159 Like a shotgun wedding, yeah. 83 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,479 Right. 84 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,799 Well, I'll have a look at the rota. 85 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,319 The Feds can track your phone even if the battery's out. 86 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,239 - Really? - Really. They can see you underground, right? 87 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,279 Can they see you if you're not there? 88 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,079 Where's there? 89 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,599 I don't know. 90 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,159 They can see you everywhere, Waj. 91 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,839 Are they looking at us through cameras? 92 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,399 - Space cameras, yes. - But... 93 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,279 My dad says I'm not supposed to be on camera. It's haram. 94 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,559 With the greatest of respect, Faisal, your dad eats newspaper. 95 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,279 - Not any more. He eats moths. - Exactly, bro. 96 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,719 Look, the way to stop the Feds tracking you is very simple. 97 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,599 You eat your SIM card. Get your SIM cards out. 98 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,039 You remove the SIM card and... Yes? 99 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:37,559 - Can I cook mine? - No. You must eat it raw, like this. 100 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,119 Good boys. 101 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:48,399 Salaam, lads. 102 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,159 Walaykum asalaam. 103 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,519 - Right. - We're eating our SIM cards. 104 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,319 Anti-surveillance. 105 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,079 You know they still work inside you, Barry. 106 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,039 - Eh? - They can still track them inside you. 107 00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,959 That's not going to be very helpful in Pakistan. 108 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,359 - What? - In Pakistan. 109 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:04,919 Answered the call, bro. 110 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,319 - What call? - Training camp. 111 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,439 We're upgrading. 112 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,759 We're going. 113 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,159 Why did you get the call? Why didn't I get the call? 114 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,399 You don't have an uncle in Pakistan last time I checked. 115 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,919 You got an uncle in Folkstone. Are there any training camps in Folkstone? 116 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,519 Why do we need a training camp, anyway? We're primed. 117 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,279 We don't need some tramp up a mountain, telling us to set a fuse. 118 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,399 We don't need some Paki Steptoe telling us when to go. 119 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,919 You're right, Barry. We can go whenever we want. 120 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,519 Exactly. Whenever we want, bro. 121 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,039 Yeah, if you want to be some kind of sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock. 122 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,159 What do you mean? 123 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,879 What I mean is, you can either be a stupid nutter Muslim 124 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,879 who blows a bag full of nails into his own guts at a toilet at TGI's, 125 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,319 or you can be a proper soldier in the Mujahideen. 126 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,079 - I'm already in the Mujahideen. - No, you're not, bro. 127 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,079 No, not until you join the army 128 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,639 and hold the sword 129 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,319 and touch the sky - proper chain of command, 130 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,519 right to the very top. 131 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,999 - All right, I'm coming. - Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now? 132 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,159 Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here. 133 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,039 Think of the group. Think of what we're trying to do. 134 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,359 It's best you stay here, bro. 135 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,439 You're a liability and you're a loose cannon. 136 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,199 Bollocks, I'm a liability. 137 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,639 I am the invisible Jihadi. 138 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,079 They seek him here, they seek him there. 139 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,759 But he's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister. 140 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,359 - Invisible? - Yeah. 141 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,359 Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake 142 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,399 and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11? 143 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,719 That is part of the plan. 144 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,079 Hide in plain sight, you mug. 145 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,039 And I am coming! 146 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,639 You realise, if I don't come with you to Pakistan, bro, 147 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:42,959 Islam is finished. 148 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,599 Listen, bro, we need you over here to keep a lid on things. 149 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,319 So what if I'm not here? 150 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,719 Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport to come with you anyways. 151 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:51,999 You want to come, Fess? 152 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,639 Yeah, it's just... my dad's seeing creatures that's not there. 153 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,639 - So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro. - Barry, listen. 154 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,679 - If you answer this question, you can come. - All right. 155 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,599 Don't fuck with me, man! 156 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,519 Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani! 157 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,399 Barry, what are you doing? 158 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,239 Barry, this is crazy. 159 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:20,479 - Barry, what are you doing? - Right, if I'm not going, no one is. 160 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:23,639 Spit it out. 161 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,719 It's gone down his neck. 162 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,719 Right, frog him. 163 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,119 - Frog him in the back. - Omar, we agreed, no frogging. 164 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,999 That was before you swallowed the key. Every time I've had to frog you. 165 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,119 - Listen, we... - Come on. Come on. 166 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,119 We said no frogging! 167 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,959 What if you get caught? I'm not going down. 168 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,199 Just cos you can't take a drill in the kneecap. 169 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,159 They'll crack you like babies' fingers. 170 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,719 They'll pump you full ofViagra, make you fuck a dog. 171 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,639 Good prattle, Barry. 172 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,959 You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch. 173 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,599 Are they gonna make me fuck a dog out there, brother Omar? 174 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:12,759 My uncle's connected out there. 175 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,399 Only time we're going to see cops is for weapons upgrade. 176 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,119 All right, Omar, I'm letting you go to Pakistan. 177 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,319 My unit stays here. 178 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,759 - But my unit's the main unit. - Barry, shut up, mate. 179 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,799 Because I tell you, your little brain cell might go off now and again, 180 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,319 but if your hands even go to move 181 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,239 and you try setting up the Islamic state of Tinsley again, 182 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,159 going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, 183 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,439 buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon, 184 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:33,559 I'm gonna rip your plugs out. 185 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:34,959 Not if you're not here, you won't. 186 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,319 Aargh! 187 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:11,759 No, Uncle. 188 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,439 It's my prayer bear. He does my prayers. 189 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,439 In the name of Allah... 190 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,959 Which way are we going? 191 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,119 All right. OK. 192 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:38,879 What the fuck's he done to his rabbits, bro? 193 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,919 They're not rabbits, bro. They're chickens. 194 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,079 They're fucking rabbits. 195 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,759 Bro, if they're rabbits, where are their ears? 196 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,399 That's what I'm saying. 197 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,119 What? 198 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,159 What's he saying? 199 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,039 I'm asking, would he kill you? 200 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,519 Pack up. 201 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,839 If you make me trouble... 202 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,359 Alaykum salaam. 203 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,479 - Would you kill me, then? - No, course not. 204 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,239 Come on. 205 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,559 I'd kill you, bro. 206 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,599 Would you? 207 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,279 - Yeah. - Right, good. 208 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,359 Cos I would kill you, bro. 209 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,159 Bro, seriously, I'd kill you. 210 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,679 Course I would. 211 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,599 Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that. 212 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,439 - Flipping heck, man. Would you? - Yeah, course. 213 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,919 I sort of thought I were joking a bit there, bro. 214 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,199 We're soldiers, bro. Whatever's asked, you do it. 215 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,079 You do the right thing. 216 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,199 Right? 217 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,279 - Are you with me? - Yeah. 218 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,439 It's life, isn't it? It's just life. What is that? It's nothing. 219 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,959 It's like being stuck in the queue at Alton Towers. 220 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,479 Do you want to be in the queues or do you want to be on the rides? 221 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,959 You want to be on the rides, don't you? You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion. 222 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,599 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 223 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,439 - Yeah. You with me? - Yeah. 224 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,239 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids. - Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 225 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,679 Right? 226 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,759 - OK, I would kill you, brother Omar. - Would you? 227 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,559 - Yeah, I would. - What would you do? 228 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,999 - I'd smash your head off with a thing. - Yeah. Know what I'd do? 229 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,439 I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj. I'd dig it in your belly, rip your guts out. 230 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,679 Spill it all out on the floor, like Mortal Combat. 231 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,839 I'd fucking... I'd take this, right? 232 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,039 - Yeah? - And I'd fucking run you over with a tractor. 233 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,239 - Yeah? - Yeah. Soldiers. 234 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,799 Soldiers, brother. Mujahid. 235 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,039 Mujahid. 236 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,359 Good lad. 237 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,839 Come on. You want some? 238 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,679 Yeah, you do want some, rabbit. 239 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,799 You fucked-up rabbit with no ears. 240 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,119 - I'll fucking... I'll have you. - They're chickens, man. 241 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,719 - I'd roast you. - Waj, they're chickens. 242 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,279 I'm coming. Coming. 243 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,079 I'm coming. 244 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,599 Come on, Waj. 245 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,999 Fuck off, bro. East is that way. 246 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,199 That way is East, bro. 247 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,439 That way is East. 248 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,359 - We've flown over Mecca now. - Paki's gone mental, bro. 249 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,839 Mecca is in the East, yeah. 250 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,679 Where the sun... where it rises, you behn choad paki prong! 251 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,799 Turn around. I'll explain to you later. 252 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,879 Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on! 253 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,999 Go, go, go. Come on. 254 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,399 - Come on, Waj. - OK, OK. 255 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,399 Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out. 256 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,119 Too high, too high. 257 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,399 Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually. What is that, 2,000 feet? 258 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,199 - What? - Nothing. 259 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,679 I've never stood up in public and professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam, 260 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,039 but what I do know is that most British Muslims don't want to be out abroad, 261 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,159 fighting British foreign policy. 262 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,159 What they want to do is get on peacefully with their daily lives. 263 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,799 - And we support that. - Yeah, yeah. 264 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,199 A good Muslim always keeps his mouth shut. 265 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,639 Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised kids are going off to training camps? 266 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,599 - That is not what I am saying. - Why are kids going to training camps? 267 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,319 First off, I object to the term "training camps". 268 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,759 - You just used it. - No, I did not. 269 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,719 It's a western fantasy. 270 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,399 You people think of Muslims running around the mountains 271 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,559 with guns and bombs. 272 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,759 That'd suit you down to the ground, wouldn't it? 273 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,239 - But they do exist, don't they? - I'm not saying they don't exist. 274 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,759 What I'm saying, if you'll listen, 275 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,959 is that if they didn't exist, you people would have to invent them. 276 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,279 - That's absolute rubbish. - Yeah, man. 277 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,079 - This whole debate is twisted, man. - We'll take questions later, please. 278 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,079 You think we're all bombers, don't you? 279 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,959 - That is absolutely... - No, no, no. 280 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,679 When you look at someone like me, you think "bomber", right? 281 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,919 - Yeah, you do. - That is not the case. 282 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,679 Why shouldn't I be a bomber if you treat me like one? 283 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,199 - Mashallah, brother. - Yeah, Mashallah. 284 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,719 Yeah. 285 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,879 I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene 286 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,039 Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means 287 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,719 It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead" 288 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,839 We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes 289 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,399 Allahu Akbar! 290 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:32,639 Mashallah, brother. 291 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,599 Oh, what, man? Come on. 292 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,599 What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real? 293 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,439 Oh, here they come! 294 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,559 Here come your stooges, Mr Storge. 295 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,079 Police state! Police state! 296 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,119 Police state! Police state! 297 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,759 Remember my name, brothers and sisters. I'm going to Cuba! 298 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:58,039 He's being rendered! He's being rendered! 299 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,999 Hey, bro, bro. Down here. 300 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,759 Need a lift? 301 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,679 Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah. 302 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,679 Oh, man! 303 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,599 Yo! 304 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,399 You're a lege. You're a lege, bro! 305 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,639 Not so bad yourself, brother. What's your name? 306 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,359 Hassan Malik. "The Mal". 307 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,119 - The Mal? - Yeah. 308 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,799 Nice little stunt back there. 309 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,639 And you know what? 310 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,639 You're a total piece of shit, mate. 311 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:37,279 You're worse than the specially trained rapists they use in Guantánamo. 312 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,879 - You what? - Yeah, you're not ignorant like them! 313 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,039 You know you should be doing something. 314 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,159 - I am doing something. - What, that? 315 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,839 I'm the Mujahideen and... thingy, thingy, rap, rap 316 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:48,959 Eh? 317 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,439 It was jihad of the mind, the gesture that messed yer. 318 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,959 Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures? 319 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,999 Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues 320 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,879 or did he just stand there, making a gesture? 321 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,759 Is this a gesture? 322 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,239 - That was for real, brother. - Yeah... 323 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,039 Is you as for real as that? 324 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,799 - Yeah. - How often do you go to mosque? 325 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,399 When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers. 326 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,959 Once a year is too often. The mosques have lost it, brother. 327 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,239 They're full of losers and spies. 328 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,199 These are real bad times, bro. 329 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,679 Islam is cracking up. 330 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,799 We got women talking back. 331 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,199 We got people playing stringed instruments. 332 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,399 It's the end of days. 333 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,359 Do you want to be for real? 334 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,959 Well, yeah, of course. 335 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,999 Are you sure? 336 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,319 100 percent. 337 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,159 Yeah, come here. 338 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,439 Fuck you, Omar! 339 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,999 Big enough for you now, Barry? 340 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,319 Am I blowing a dog in a ditch or am I Paki Rambo? 341 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,999 I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style. 342 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,119 - James Fuck Bond? - No, no. 343 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,319 What the fuck are you doing, Waj? 344 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,879 Stay here and clean the guns. 345 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,879 No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir. 346 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,119 It was my fault, bro, OK? Let Omar go. 347 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,639 You fucking Mr Beans. 348 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,639 - But we haven't got an emir yet. - It's good. 349 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,879 - Just getting my pictures, bro. - Waj, go away right now. 350 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:37,959 Come on. 351 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:39,639 - Where is it? - Down here. 352 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,559 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 353 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,879 Liquid peroxide. 354 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,799 Three years of stockpiling. 355 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,879 - Where did you get it all? - A wholesale shop down the road. 356 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,599 - All from the same shop? - Yeah. 357 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,159 - You mug, you'll get us nicked! - No. 358 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,079 I use different voices every time I go in. 359 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,399 Different what? Different voices. Show me. 360 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,519 - What? - Show me the voices. Come on. 361 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,279 - One of them's... It's my voice. - Right. 362 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,679 Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please? 363 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,919 I know what that sounds like. Give me another one. 364 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,919 IRA voice. 365 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,839 IRA voice? 366 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,079 They're terrorists, Faisal. 367 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,599 Why do you want to do a terrorist voice? You'll get us nicked! 368 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,519 - I'll be disguised then, won't I? - Yeah, but as a terrorist. 369 00:21:58,800 --> 00:21:59,799 Let's hear the voice. 370 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,599 Can I have... 12 bottles of bleach, please? 371 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,399 And then I've got one like this as well. 372 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,799 Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please? 373 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,039 What's that? 374 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:19,919 It's a woman's voice because I got loads of liquid peroxide. 375 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,919 Probably thought that she'd go and... 376 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,279 And what? 377 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,399 ...dye her hair or something. - And her beard? 378 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,999 - You got a beard. - I covered it. 379 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,439 You covered your beard. How? 380 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:41,719 Right, so you went into a shop, with your hands on your face like that 381 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,519 and asked for 12 bottles of bleach? 382 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,959 So, why has she got her hands on her face, Fess? 383 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,519 Cos she's got a beard. 384 00:22:58,560 --> 00:22:59,999 I'm sorry, brother Omar. 385 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,159 Maybe it were God's will. 386 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,719 Maybe it were God's will I would do my video so... 387 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,479 - So maybe it's not my fault. - No, it is your fault. 388 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,519 It were God's will that you were acting like a complete prat, apparently. 389 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,519 It was defo your fault. 390 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:19,399 So, if that were God's will, then am I God's fault? 391 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,879 Maybe I'm God's mistake. 392 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,959 - Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother? - Sh, sh, sh. 393 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,599 - Do mistakes go to hell? - Shh, Waj. 394 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,719 What? 395 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,679 - That's a drone. - Hide! 396 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,999 - It's flying low. It's going to attack. - Let's go! 397 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,999 Where are we gonna go, Waj? We've got to take it out. 398 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,079 Take it out with what? We ain't got no bullets. 399 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,279 - This is my mistake, bro. - No, no, no. Waj, listen. 400 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,439 Think about it. This is God's plan. He's put us here to defend the camp. 401 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,919 This is our jihad. 402 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,119 - Think about it. - This is my mistake, brother. 403 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,439 That's the devil that's in your brain giving it the wasa-wasa. 404 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,719 Don't listen to him. God's in your heart, bro. 405 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,159 Right? What does your heart say? Trust me. Come on. 406 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,999 It says maybe we should... 407 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,639 Huh? 408 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,359 Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother, get back on jihad. 409 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,359 Good, Waj. 410 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,159 Right, OK. 411 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,879 What are we going to use? 412 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,599 - Fucking yes, bro. - Shh, shh. Right, come on. 413 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,119 - Proper Mujahid, yeah? - Yeah. 414 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,039 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother? - Mind out the way now. 415 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,399 - All right, OK. - Come on. 416 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,999 - Flipping pop it, brother. - OK. 417 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:36,719 Brother Omar! 418 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,159 The Arabs! 419 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,519 The emir! 420 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,159 Flipping shit. 421 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,839 Is this God's will, bro? 422 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,239 Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it's God's will. 423 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,399 Fucking hell, bro. 424 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,959 We've got to go, Waj. We've got to get out of here. 425 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,679 I can't hear nothing! 426 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,559 I can't hear nothing! 427 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,319 Morning, officer. 428 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,199 You've been rumbled. 429 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,839 My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow 430 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,639 and fly it into one of them towers full ofJews and slags. 431 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,519 I keep crows in here. Have a look. 432 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,959 We're way beyond crows now, Faisal. 433 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,959 We are really going to blow the lid off. 434 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,119 Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man. 435 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,159 - Blow my lid off. - Bomb the mosque! 436 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:07,559 What? 437 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,359 - The Masjid? - Yeah, the masjid, the mosque. 438 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,799 But we go in dressed like kuffars. 439 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,879 They think it's the unbelievers attacking so all the Muslims rise up and fight back. 440 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,759 Stoke things up proper big time, fast-track the final days - total war! 441 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,959 - That is sick, man. - What does Omar say? 442 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,719 Who is this Omar? 443 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,039 Don't sweat that. He's one of my boys. 444 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,119 I've sent him off to training camp to bring him up to scratch. 445 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,399 But my dad goes to the masjid. What if he's in masjid? 446 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,519 Has your dad ever bought a Jaffa orange? 447 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:37,399 Once or twice. 448 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,159 Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro. He's a Jew. 449 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:55,679 - Barry! - Where? 450 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,119 - Where is he? - What are we going to say, again? 451 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,959 Waj, we're going to say we're being sent for special training in Somalia. 452 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,759 - Somalia? - Yeah, OK. 453 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,159 - You all right, Barry? - Yeah. What happened? 454 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,999 Nothing happened. We're being sent to... 455 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:23,119 Bollocks! You fucked up, you fucking losers! 456 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,799 I told you you should have taken me. 457 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,319 - We're going to Somibia, Barry. - Somalia. 458 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,799 - Special training. - "Special training." 459 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,799 - Bollocks! Something happened. - Nothing happened, Barry. 460 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,599 Look at the state of you. No luggage, back early. 461 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,959 Yeah, something happened. 462 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,079 - Yeah, something did happen. - Yeah, you fucked up. 463 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,359 No, we got an emir and he told us that we're on. 464 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:46,479 What? 465 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,039 We've got an emir and he says that we're on. 466 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,719 - Are you on as well, bro? - Yeah, for real. 467 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,239 - Good. - Alhamdulillah. 468 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:02,879 What about the Arabs, bro? What about the Arabs? 469 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:07,279 They weren't Arabs, they were bad tribesmen. 470 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,919 - What? - Bad tribesmen. 471 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,879 - So it were good, what we did? - Yeah. 472 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,359 What the fuck is Special Branch doing here? 473 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,079 Oh, no, no, no. That's Hassan. He's in. 474 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,679 - Since when, Barry? - He's one of us. 475 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,479 - Is he fuck? - How was it, boys? Was it amazing? 476 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,199 What, my dad's funeral? How could that be amazing? 477 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,799 You're joking! 478 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,879 He was pecked to death by chickens. Why would I joke about that? 479 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,919 Ignore him, bro. This is Omar, this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik. 480 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,559 Yeah, man, I'm the Mal. 481 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,079 Frog him. 482 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,799 No, don't sweat it, bro. He's been tested. 483 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,239 - Really? - Yeah, he tested me, man. 484 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:45,999 How did he do that, then? 485 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:49,319 - He made me do that bean thing, man. - What bean thing? 486 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,559 You know, when you put a bean up the end of your knob, man. 487 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,519 We're on the parking. Let's go. 488 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,439 - Barry? - We're on the parking. 489 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,999 - What's he saying about a bean, Barry? - You mean, I didn't have to? 490 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,159 Bro, he's landed you right in it. 491 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,839 I've got no need for a beanfucker or a TV Paki or a coconut spook. 492 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,959 Now, frog him! 493 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,879 Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded. 494 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,679 - What, from MI5 payroll? - No, he's got a clothes factory. 495 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,159 - Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him. - I can get you a van. 496 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,439 - I can nick a van. - So you'd steal from your own dad? 497 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,879 Well, yeah, yeah. 498 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,359 Right, well, you're still walking. 499 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,719 Listen, behn choad, next time I see you, you'd better have a fucking van, 500 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,719 or I'm gonna floss your balls with razor wire. 501 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,919 You played that wrong, mate. 502 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,199 - You're on one, Omar. - Drive! 503 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,479 - Did you fix this, Barry? - Yeah, I fixed it. 504 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,719 - Did you do it yourself or something? - Yes, I did it myself. 505 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,079 So is he in or what, Omar? 506 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,639 What choice have I got, Barry? He's either in or I've got to kill him. 507 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,399 Good. I knew you'd like him. 508 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,159 Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own. 509 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:23,119 And Scar was looking for them and if he found them, he'd kill them, but... 510 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,319 - Dad? - Yeah? 511 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,279 Did you blow up any kuffars? 512 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:27,879 What? 513 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,359 At the wedding? 514 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,239 Do you want to hear what happened to Simba or not? 515 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,799 - Yeah! - Right, so... 516 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,439 Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own, 517 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,959 when all of a sudden they saw this... 518 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:47,639 ...this big evil bird, this big bird, that Scar had sent out to look for them. 519 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,479 This big, evil vulture, coming right at them. 520 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,679 "There it is," said Simba. He spotted it, 521 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,199 this big evil vulture, coming straight for them, 522 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:57,759 coming right at them. 523 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,759 Then what, Dad? 524 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,759 Well, Simba had to bring it down, otherwise it'd kill them. 525 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,679 So, what he did was, he grabbed a stone 526 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,639 and he chucked it at the bird, only he chucked it so hard, 527 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,439 it was such a strong powerful throw, that his arm went all the way round. 528 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,799 Behind. He threw it so hard, it went a mile behind him. 529 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,519 And it hit Mufasa. 530 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,319 Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad. 531 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,999 It hit him accidentally on the head and killed him. 532 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,479 But didn't Scar kill Mufasa? 533 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,439 Yeah, in the film. This is real life, I'm talking about. 534 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,239 So Simba had a choice. 535 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:37,399 He could either tell his friends what had happened and create confusion, 536 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,559 or keep it a secret and lead all his friends in a big fight against Scar. 537 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:43,479 What do you think he did? 538 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,199 He had to tell the truth. 539 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,959 But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he? 540 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,799 Telling the truth means giving up. 541 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,159 Would Simba give up? 542 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,279 - Simba would never give up. - Exactly. 543 00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:58,559 Exactly. So... 544 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,399 Simba kept it all a secret. 545 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,439 And he led Pumbaa and Timon and all his friends, 546 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,319 he led them all in a fight against Scar. 547 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:11,039 And he vanquished Scar, 548 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,279 and Simba became the new Lion King. 549 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,239 - Yes. - Yeah. 550 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,159 Bedtime for you, 551 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:21,679 soldier. 552 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,479 All right, lads, this is it. 553 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:30,639 This is it, boys. 554 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,359 I've spoken to the emir. I have, and... 555 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,039 How did you do that? 556 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:43,119 Email drop box and the children's instant messaging site, Party Puffin. 557 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:44,599 I've been on that. 558 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,439 - Good, Waj. - Proper good. 559 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,959 Do we have to be puffins as well? 560 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,479 Yeah, I'll give you all usernames and passwords after this meeting. 561 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:52,879 I'm not sure I want to be a puffin. 562 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,519 You don't have to be if you don't want to, Barry. 563 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,759 - Bagsy a blue one, yeah? - Good, Waj. 564 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,399 Now, I've spoken to him. 565 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,039 My puffin has communicated with his puffin. 566 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,559 And he's told us to make some bombs. 567 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,359 So we're going to take Faisal's gear to the secret flat. 568 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,599 We can hide it under the costumes in Hassan's van. 569 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,439 We'll put the bleach on the boil. 570 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:22,239 We have instructions to bring havoc to this bullshit, consumerist, 571 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,279 godless, Paki-bashing, 572 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,039 Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference" speciality cheddar, 573 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,199 torture-endorsing, massacre-sponsoring, 574 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,199 "Look-at-me-dancing-pissed with-my-nob-out", Sky1 Uncovered, 575 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,919 "Who-gives-a-fuck about-dead-Afghanis?" Disneyland. 576 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,879 - Mashallah! - Mashallah, brother Omar. 577 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,879 - Mashallah. - Fuck mini Babybels. 578 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,999 Puffin says, "Find a target." 579 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,799 Well, we got a target, bro. We're all agreed. 580 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:47,679 What is it? 581 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,439 - It's the mosque. - What? 582 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:50,999 Bomb the mosque, 583 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,919 radicalise the moderates, bring it all on. 584 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,599 OK, right. No, I like that. I do like that, that's brilliant. 585 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,479 Let's take out a bunch of Muslims because they're the real enemy. 586 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,359 Once we've done that, why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop 587 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,199 and fly a jumbo jet into Waj's mum's head? 588 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,039 Why don't we get a pig and staple-gun it to our foreheads? 589 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:13,199 But if we bomb the mosque, it will make all the Muslims rise up. 590 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,559 My cousin, Faz, died, 591 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,519 defending a mosque in Bosnia. 592 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,319 Did he flipping rise up, bro? 593 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:23,999 Let's bomb Boots. 594 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:28,359 They sell condoms that make you want to bang white girls. 595 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,719 - I second that. Boots. - Right. 596 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,999 - They nabbed me nicking Lynx display. - Think bigger than a chemist's. 597 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,319 I'm not blowing my guts out over a bunch of tampons and cotton buds. 598 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,159 What we're going to do has got to last in history, 599 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,679 echo through the ages. 600 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,559 - Like bomb a mosque. - Barry, we're not bombing a mosque. 601 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,559 You don't get it, do you, Omar? 602 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,359 We radicalise the moderates! 603 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,719 The ummah rises up, it all kicks off! 604 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,159 I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like you're in a fight with someone, 605 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,439 and they're punching you in the face, right? 606 00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,039 And so what you go and do is, you punch yourself in the face. 607 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:01,199 So what if he's not? 608 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,599 I'm having a fight with this fictionary man, 609 00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:07,799 and he's not punching me hard enough to make me go mental and win. 610 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,559 Let's do an experiment, Barry. We'll have a fight right now. 611 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,679 When you start losing and you're not doing very well, 612 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,119 you punch yourself in the face, go mental and start winning. 613 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,519 - Show them all how it works. - I'm not gonna punch myself. 614 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,919 Why not? You're the Muslims. You're getting attacked. 615 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,159 Go fucking mental, Barry. Show 'em how it works. 616 00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,519 - Come on. - I'm not a mosque! 617 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:26,959 This is not how it works! 618 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,879 Punch yourself, Baz. 619 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,479 Bomb the mosque, Barry! Bomb it! 620 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:34,679 Bomb the mosque! 621 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,719 Bomb the mosque, Barry! 622 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,159 He's bombed the mosque! He's just bombed the mosque! 623 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,439 Barry, where are the moderates? The moderates should be coming now. 624 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,919 Right, if I was a mosque, which I am not, 625 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,839 then there would be all moderates behind my nose, 626 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,839 bursting to come out and rise up. 627 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,319 Would there? Ooh, they are, bro, eh? 628 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,279 Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's coming out your nose. 629 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,319 Oh, you've just wiped them out. You've just wiped them out. 630 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:02,799 Do you think we should still bomb the mosque, Barry? 631 00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,519 - Come back. - Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the... 632 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,639 - Oooh! - Barry! 633 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:10,599 For fuck's sake, Barry! 634 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,119 Oi! Oi! 635 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:51,359 Turn that off. There's common areas out there. 636 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,999 We got to play it, Barry. This is our cover, man. We're a band. 637 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,559 - We're a what? - We're a band. 638 00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,359 Bollocks! Turn it off. 639 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:01,639 Bro, turn it off. 640 00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:06,559 What's with the chicken? 641 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,279 It's beard protection from the bleach. 642 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,999 Yeah, he's the drummer, man. 643 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:19,079 - Chicken drummer. - Yeah, Barry. 644 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,159 You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you? Remember? 645 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,039 Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak. 646 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,919 Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but beaks get broken in war, don't they? 647 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,319 - Do they? - Yeah, they do. 648 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,999 We're not about protecting beaks, we're about blowing them off. 649 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,719 Yeah? 650 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,359 Well, go and unload the van. I'm not doing all the work. 651 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:41,799 Waj! Waj! 652 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,479 Anti-surveillance. 653 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:50,999 Not you, mate, you're still here. Get in there. 654 00:37:56,600 --> 00:38:00,079 - What are you doing? - Just in case they're taking pictures. 655 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,839 - What? - Barry says you come out blurry. 656 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:05,479 Right, stop it! 657 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:07,639 Stop it! 658 00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:12,399 CCTV's a video. 659 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,479 You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed. 660 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,559 Next time Barry tells you to do something, don't. 661 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,199 - You all right, Alice? How's it going. - All right, Wasim? Yeah. 662 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:28,919 - Are you good? - Yeah. 663 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,119 - All right, Jason? - All right. 664 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:33,599 Who's this one? 665 00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,039 This is... Claude. 666 00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:37,359 Claude, this is Alice. She's got the flat next door. 667 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,719 - Hello, Claude. - Hi. 668 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,559 - What's this? - Claude's the new member of our band. 669 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,119 - Band? - He's the new member. 670 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:47,559 - I used to be in a band. - Did you? 671 00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:51,959 Yeah. Until all the birds fell off the roof... 672 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,919 I don't know if you remember. 673 00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:59,639 All right, then, Alice, we'll see you later. Come on, lads. 674 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,759 Come through. 675 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:05,399 - Which one are you? - Er, Claude. 676 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,519 - Claude? - Yeah. 677 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,199 Are you French? 678 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:11,439 Yeah. 679 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,679 See you. 680 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,239 Right, Mister Newsman in the newsroom, after three. 681 00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,359 Three, two, one... 682 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,399 Yes, it was us. 683 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,439 We have struck you where you least expected it. 684 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,999 We have bombed the mosque. 685 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,879 Only in the days of the final jihad... 686 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:46,519 What are you doing here? 687 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,919 Well, you told us to come round. 688 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:52,319 We've just come through the back. Anti-surveillance, like you said. 689 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,239 Right, well, I'm doing my tape. 690 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,119 But we're not bombing the mosque. 691 00:39:56,240 --> 00:39:58,999 - What? - We're not bombing the mosque. 692 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,559 Look, I'm just doing this tape in case the plans change to bomb the mosque. 693 00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,079 If they did change, isn't the whole point of it to blame it on the kuffar 694 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:07,599 and not take responsibility for it? 695 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,839 What do you know about it? It was my idea in the first place, not yours! 696 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,479 Now, fuck off! I'm doing my tape. Go on. 697 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:14,599 All right, Barry? 698 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,079 - What, you're here as well? - Yeah. Why? What's going on? 699 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,839 He said he was going to bomb the mosque. 700 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:22,399 - Did you say that, Barry? - No. 701 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:24,119 - Yeah, you did. - No, I didn't. 702 00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,999 - What did you say, then? - I said I was gonna bomb something else. 703 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:29,799 What did you say you were gonna bomb? 704 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:31,839 Hm? 705 00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:33,559 Fuck off! 706 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,079 Fuck off out of my house! 707 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,199 Oh, Barry, you moron. 708 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,879 - Salaam, Ahmed. - Alaykum salaam. 709 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:49,279 - Omar, it's your brother. Come in. - No, I'm OK. 710 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:52,199 Just come in and sit down. 711 00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:53,679 - Salaam Alaykum. - Alaykum salaam. 712 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:58,239 Just come in and sit down. 713 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,479 I'm not in the same room. You can come in. 714 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,159 You are. 715 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:04,679 I'm not. 716 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,479 The wall has been taken out, so you are. 717 00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,319 Have you come to drop some fatwas, cos we've just had the carpet cleaned? 718 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,079 Not in this house, bro. 719 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,439 - Freeze or I'll blow your guts out. - All right, go easy. 720 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,799 OK. Right, come on! 721 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,479 You've got 30 seconds! 722 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,759 - What are you teaching him, Omar? - It's a water pistol. Have you lost it? 723 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,439 Have you got 150 quotes from scholars saying we can't squirt a water pistol? 724 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,839 There is no justification for what you are planning. 725 00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,919 - What am I planning, bro? - You tell me. 726 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:38,999 - Want to know what I am planning? - Yeah. 727 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,359 Sure you can handle it, bro? Yeah? You ready? 728 00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,919 It's not a proper plan yet, yeah? 729 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,719 But I'm thinking, inshallah, 730 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,479 I'm going to go upstairs and run a hot bath, right? 731 00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:53,839 Then come back down and make beans on toast. I'm proper hungry. 732 00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:55,479 - Very funny. - What? 733 00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,919 Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up? 734 00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:04,079 I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones. 735 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,599 You know what? It's not Top Trumps. Muslims are getting pasted and you go, 736 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:10,239 "I've got 60,000 opinions saying we can't fight back. 737 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:14,199 "We must measure our beard with a ruler and lock our wives in cupboard!" 738 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,119 That's not a joke, is it, bro? 739 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:19,959 It is not a cupboard, it is a small room. 740 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:23,199 Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet till you took the china out. 741 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:24,879 I don't argue with women. 742 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,599 No, you don't. You lock 'em in a cupboard. 743 00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:29,079 Omar, your wife is out of control. 744 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,119 I don't know how to control her. Help me out. 745 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,319 Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh. 746 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,799 Do it again. He won't fight back. 747 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,799 - What am I like? I'm out of control. - Obey me, wife. Obey me. 748 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,039 Go and do it. 749 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,639 Fight back, brother! 750 00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:44,239 What's all the violence, brother? 751 00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:48,119 - Are you fighting back? In self-defence? - This is not fighting. 752 00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:51,799 - By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting. - You're a proper Mujahid! 753 00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,199 By the law... 754 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,639 - I am not fighting. - You're so violent, bro! 755 00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,279 Hey, Omar. 756 00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,959 - You're terrible, you are. - I'm out of control. 757 00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,479 Aren't you, eh? 758 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,599 - That's twice as much, bro. - This one's gonna leave a mark. 759 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,199 Just drop it. 760 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,039 Ooh! 761 00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:39,119 Shit, man! 762 00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,199 - Come on, bro. Give me that. - Jew. 763 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,639 Gay. 764 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,439 Fed. 765 00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:48,679 Sodomite. 766 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:50,439 Gynaecologist. 767 00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:54,199 Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist. 768 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:58,119 Leonard Cohen. Here, you give me that. 769 00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:00,279 You do some work. 770 00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,519 This one's gonna be like a grenade, man. 771 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,319 - Oh, bro. - Here, watch this. 772 00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:10,999 Watch this, bro! 773 00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:22,679 Come on, lads. Why don't we just pick up the phone and call the cops? 774 00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,679 Right? Come on. 775 00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,159 - Sorry, man. - Sorry, bro. 776 00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,119 We don't have to use that on ourselves, do we, Barry? 777 00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:32,319 - Course we do, bro. - But it's our choice, right? 778 00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:34,519 - Fess? Fess? - What? 779 00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:37,599 It is your choice. Right? It can only be your choice. 780 00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:40,079 Right, yeah. 781 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,199 - Fess. Fess. - What? 782 00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:44,679 It is your choice, right, 783 00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:47,119 but you've chosen to blow yourself up, haven't you? 784 00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,119 Haven't you? 785 00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,399 Mashallah, brother Crow. 786 00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,039 Mashallah. 787 00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,159 You're doing this, right, to save brother Faisal. 788 00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,959 And I know it's come as a bit of a shock to you, 789 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,439 but everything will be all right. 790 00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:14,519 Yeah? OK. You see that over there? 791 00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:15,639 That... 792 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:19,959 That's a sex shop. Right? 793 00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:23,239 A US embassy, or some other such slag utility. 794 00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:26,999 Right, now wait there. 795 00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,439 When I say, you fly to the target. 796 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,599 When I dial this, you go to heaven, brother Crow. 797 00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:37,959 Inshallah. 798 00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:06,599 Yeah. 799 00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:09,759 What's that? What's that, Mrs Thistle? 800 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:11,719 No, I don't want to resit my media studies. 801 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,959 Stupid Mrs Thistle, I don't want to retake it. 802 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:18,119 You know why? Cos I've found a new purpose in life. 803 00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:21,479 And here it is. Eat that shit! 804 00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,719 Eat that. Eat that. You fuck... 805 00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,119 Come on, lads. Let's go. Salaam alaykum. 806 00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:31,559 - Alaykum salaam. - You all right? Where are they? 807 00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:34,559 They've all gone, man. They're using the fireworks for cover. 808 00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,679 Yeah, I know that. That was my idea. Why didn't they wait for me? 809 00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:40,359 - Barry said that you said, "Go ahead." - Did he? 810 00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:42,679 - I'm just on night shift. - Yeah, you are, bro. 811 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:46,079 If anybody comes knocking for Barry, tell them you used to know him... 812 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,159 Can I come? 813 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,399 Don't drop it, you prick! 814 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:10,959 Brother Faisal, if you drop this, we're baked beans from here to Derby. 815 00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,799 - Slowly, slowly. - Oh! 816 00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:15,919 - It's good. - All right. 817 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:19,119 - Good, good. - Let's get out of here. 818 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:21,919 - OK. - Come on. I'm gonna blow it. 819 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,719 - Ready? - All right. 820 00:47:26,160 --> 00:47:27,639 Is it gonna be loud? 821 00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,399 Did you see that? 822 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:44,799 Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good. That were proper good! 823 00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,759 - Well done, Barry. - What's up? 824 00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,999 Did you miss it, bro? Did you miss it, bro? 825 00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:55,559 I told you before, Barry, didn't I? What were you lads playing at? 826 00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:59,719 - Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh? - I didn't have no credit. 827 00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:05,519 This breaks anti-surveillance protocol. We shouldn't be back here till tomorrow. 828 00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:08,239 The protocol is that you were supposed to stay here and guard the flat, Barry, 829 00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:10,279 cos there's a good chance that you are being monitored. 830 00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:13,799 Is that an Islamic argument, brother? I only listen to Islamic arguments. 831 00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:15,839 That was my microwave, Barry. I had it ten years, that Matsui. 832 00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:17,319 I should've been there. 833 00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,519 Your microwave has been well sacrificed. 834 00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:21,999 Don't screw with my jihad. I'm telling you for the last time. 835 00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,639 - Your jihad? You said "my jihad". - Our jihad. Don't screw with it. 836 00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,519 - Our jihad. - What did he say, Fess? 837 00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:28,879 - Did he say "my jihad"? - What difference does it make? 838 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:32,639 - You said "my jihad". - So what? This is such a small thing. 839 00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:33,959 Hey! 840 00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:35,599 Come and have a look at this. 841 00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,479 ♪ Dancing in the moonlight 842 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:47,119 ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright... 843 00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:50,519 Hass! 844 00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:52,759 Claude! 845 00:48:58,240 --> 00:48:59,119 Shit! 846 00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:10,599 Right, it's time to go now, Alice. 847 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:12,759 Why? What's going on? 848 00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,439 Nothing. We just need you to go. 849 00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,599 Oh. 850 00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:23,519 Oh, I get it. I know what's going on here. 851 00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,519 I know what you lot are. 852 00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:32,719 You lot... 853 00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,759 are a bunch of Paki-bashers. 854 00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:41,679 - What? - Mountie boys. Gays. 855 00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:45,559 - Yes, we are so gay. - I'm not. 856 00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:47,159 Yes, you are. We all are. 857 00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,959 But mainly it's these two. Isn't it, Norman? 858 00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,399 - Yes. - Yeah, you love it, don't you? 859 00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:58,199 We've got to get down to some gay business now, all of us. 860 00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,239 You lot aren't my friends any more. 861 00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:12,879 Safe, is he? 862 00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:16,999 She didn't see anything, man. I swear to God, she didn't see the... 863 00:50:17,120 --> 00:50:19,719 The bolts and the... I'll sort this out. 864 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:22,479 I'll sort it out, man. Just give me a minute. 865 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:24,159 I'll go down and sort this shit out. 866 00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,359 You are going to sort it out cos you're going to kill her. 867 00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:27,479 Kill her? 868 00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,319 We're gonna kill her? 869 00:50:31,440 --> 00:50:33,279 Not us, Waj. Hass. 870 00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,639 You want me to kill her? 871 00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:40,519 What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you? 872 00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:48,799 Give him your pocket knife, Barry. 873 00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:51,839 There we go. There. Knife and fork. Make a fucking meal of it. 874 00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:57,599 I'm not joking, bro. Do I look like I'm joking? 875 00:50:57,720 --> 00:50:59,279 No. Now go on your way. 876 00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:11,159 How do I do it? 877 00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,919 Cut her head off and bring it back in a bucket. 878 00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:15,599 Chop her head off? 879 00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:18,599 We're not really gonna kill her, are we? You fucking idiot! 880 00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:20,599 Why don't we just call up the pigs and dob ourselves in. 881 00:51:20,720 --> 00:51:23,319 That'd be clever. A body on our hands to trail back to us. 882 00:51:23,440 --> 00:51:24,719 Shut up! 883 00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:26,559 What are we gonna do with all this? 884 00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:28,639 She's seen it now. We've got to move it now. 885 00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:31,039 - We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment. - We'll put it... 886 00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:32,959 Shut up, Barry. Solved. Problem solved. 887 00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:34,919 Daddy's come home and wiped everyone's arse, hasn't he? 888 00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:38,679 That's what jihad's about. It's me wiping your arses. 889 00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:40,719 Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza? 890 00:51:40,840 --> 00:51:44,399 Yeah, Omar would love to come and help but he can't, he's really busy 891 00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,839 wiping up the fountains of shit spraying out the arses of these... 892 00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:54,919 OK, thank you. 893 00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:02,279 Who were on the phone? 894 00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:09,399 Slow down, please. 895 00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:15,839 Get us there in one piece, Barry. Go easy. 896 00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:18,879 Go easy! 897 00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:22,879 Oh! Oh! 898 00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:25,199 Don't rattle the stuff, Barry. Slow down, man. 899 00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:26,919 Use your eyes, boys. We've got a predator. 900 00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:29,319 What, the milk float? 901 00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,399 - That's a milk float! - The Feds work undercover, you mug! 902 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:34,679 No, no. 903 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:36,799 No, no! 904 00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:39,599 No, don't do this to me! 905 00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:41,079 Come on! 906 00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:46,839 Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck! 907 00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,519 Fuck, fuck, fuck it! 908 00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:54,399 - Did you fix this, then, Barry? - Yes, I fixed it! 909 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:57,079 - Did you? - It's the parts. They're Jewish. 910 00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,159 What parts in a car are Jewish? 911 00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:05,559 - Spark plugs? - Spark plugs. 912 00:53:05,680 --> 00:53:08,799 Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic. 913 00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:13,639 Right, everybody calm down. We're gonna grab the gear and walk. 914 00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:17,119 All right, but check the roofs, boys. There could still be an ambush. 915 00:53:17,240 --> 00:53:19,839 Careful, careful with that. Watch out. 916 00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:24,759 Easy does it. Just act natural. OK? 917 00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,359 One jolt and this stuff could go, right? 918 00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:31,839 You got to run smooth, right? 919 00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:34,479 You got to run fast, but you got to run smooth, right? 920 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:35,959 Like this, right? 921 00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:39,559 This is fast but slow, smooth but fast. 922 00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:42,999 Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine! There's no need for any of this. 923 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,719 We're fine, are we? We're fucking surrounded. Look. 924 00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,639 - Everybody get off the road. - Omar! 925 00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:50,719 Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them jump up and down till they go bang. 926 00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:54,359 Just keep your mouths shut and let me deal with this, all right? 927 00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,119 Hey, man. How's it going? 928 00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:59,479 Nice little one-pack you got going on there, bro. 929 00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:00,879 You're a pint of sauce, Omar. 930 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:04,079 Have you managed to run a mile yet without stopping for a milkshake? 931 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,039 - Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads? - All right. 932 00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:09,199 What's with the bags? 933 00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:10,399 - Shopping. - Marzipan. 934 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:11,719 - Toys. - Chicken. 935 00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:16,079 - We're about to go and play football. - Yeah? 936 00:54:16,200 --> 00:54:18,319 We should grab all this kit and head down there to the pitch. 937 00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:20,119 - Yeah. - All right, bro. 938 00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:21,719 Right. See you in a bit, man. 939 00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:26,919 Hey, lads. Wait, look. You forgot this. 940 00:54:27,040 --> 00:54:28,599 - Hey! Hey! - Aahh! 941 00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:34,199 What's that? 942 00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:37,239 That bag's full of really fragile... 943 00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:39,279 boots. 944 00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:42,879 - Are they all right? - Yeah. That's just thigh exercises. 945 00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:47,119 - What? - Quad squats. You know, squat jogs. 946 00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:50,479 It's just... It's for the marathon. I thought you'd know. 947 00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,519 - Yeah? Squat jogs? - Yeah. 948 00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:55,639 All right, man. See you in a bit. 949 00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:56,879 Like that. 950 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,639 - Squat jogs, yeah? - Yeah, yeah. 951 00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:00,919 - Down? - Bit lower. 952 00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:02,759 - Safe-age, mate! - All right, man. 953 00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:08,919 - Take care, man. - Yeah, yeah. 954 00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:31,079 - All right, brothers? - Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro. 955 00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:32,399 - Yeah. - We skilled it. 956 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:33,519 Where's Faisal? 957 00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:37,119 Hey, boys. Boys, come and have a look at this. 958 00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:39,679 Can you see him? 959 00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:43,199 Hey, bro! 960 00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:44,639 Run! 961 00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,479 Hey, brother Faisal! 962 00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:48,919 Over the wall, Faisal! 963 00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:52,199 - Yeah, run faster, bro! - Yeah, but not too fast! 964 00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:28,279 Where is he? 965 00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:53,279 - It was a martyr's death. - Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar? 966 00:56:54,600 --> 00:56:58,319 - He disrupted the infrastructure. - How did he do that? 967 00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:01,159 He took out a sheep. 968 00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:03,879 Magnificently took it right out. 969 00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:07,279 Did he? 970 00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:12,799 - Attacked the food supply. - Some of it's in there... with him. 971 00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,639 - What? - I couldn't separate it. 972 00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:22,079 So what is he, lads? Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi? 973 00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:24,919 - He's a martyr. - Right, this is bullshit! 974 00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:27,519 - He is not a martyr. - Yes, he is. He's part of the war. 975 00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:30,159 What war? The war on kuffar sheep? 976 00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:33,599 - He's the first hero of the final jihad. - He's not a hero, he's a dickhead. 977 00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:35,839 And so are you, you're all dickheads. 978 00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:37,639 Whoa, brother. That is out of order. 979 00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:41,279 I've made a decision, Barry. The mission's off. 980 00:57:41,400 --> 00:57:44,319 It's finished, I'm done with this. 981 00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:47,399 You can't handle the war, brother. You're having a wobble. 982 00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:49,959 I've got nothing to have a wobble about. My conscience is clear. 983 00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:51,799 - You're the one who killed Faisal! - I didn't kill him! 984 00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:53,879 Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in 985 00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:55,799 after you saw him making an arse out of himself 986 00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,279 at a public meeting you shouldn't even have been at. 987 00:57:58,400 --> 00:57:59,839 And he blew our cover. 988 00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:01,999 Ever since then, you've had everybody so paranoid, 989 00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,719 poor little Faisal's panicked himself to death. 990 00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:07,559 - So really Hassan killed him. - No, you killed him. 991 00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,919 No, you killed him. You heard what he said. 992 00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:13,199 - You killed him more. - I thought it was a good thing he died. 993 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,319 Isn't he a martyr? It's a good thing, right? 994 00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:18,679 All right, I did kill him, then. 995 00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:21,719 I martyred him. He's up there now, keeping my seat warm. 996 00:58:24,920 --> 00:58:28,119 - Come on, our kid, let's go. - I think I martyred him a bit, too. 997 00:58:28,240 --> 00:58:29,879 What? 998 00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:32,999 - We got to keep on. - You got a plan, Waj? 999 00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:37,599 - Blow something up. - What are we going to blow up, Waj? 1000 00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:40,879 Internet. 1001 00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:43,839 We'll blow up the internet for brother Faisal. 1002 00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:45,599 We're mujahid, brother, yeah? 1003 00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:47,119 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah? 1004 00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:49,319 You're not a mujahid. You're a fucking idiot. 1005 00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,639 Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck about Rubber Dinghy Rapids 1006 00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:54,919 and gets his deen from The Cat That Went To Mecca, 1007 00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:57,759 a book he can't finish cos it's far too fucking advanced for him? 1008 00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,639 I tell you what, I've got a plan for you. Why don't you go with... 1009 00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:04,519 ...and lose yourself in the forest? 1010 00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:40,599 Omar! 1011 00:59:44,480 --> 00:59:45,959 Salaam, Omar. 1012 00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:47,719 Salaam alaykum, bro. 1013 00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:54,079 You and your boys look like... something rubbish. 1014 00:59:54,720 --> 00:59:56,119 You all right, Omar? 1015 00:59:57,680 --> 00:59:59,399 Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes. 1016 01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:04,439 - Listen, can I ask you something? - Why not, brother? 1017 01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:08,799 Screw it, doesn't matter. You've already started doing the face. 1018 01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:10,839 Why not come to our study group, Omar? 1019 01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,519 What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? 1020 01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:17,239 The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, 1021 01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:20,399 about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head. 1022 01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:21,919 Forget it. 1023 01:00:51,320 --> 01:00:54,639 Omar, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night. 1024 01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:57,159 What is that? 1025 01:00:57,280 --> 01:01:00,319 - It's a puffin party. - A what? 1026 01:01:00,440 --> 01:01:02,319 - It's a puffin party. - A puffin party? 1027 01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:06,159 - I'm talking to Waj's puffin. - Omar, what are you talking about? 1028 01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,839 It's the boys. I've left them. 1029 01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:13,159 Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me, Waj's puffin's just told me to piss off, 1030 01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:17,159 Barry's puffin's turned all red and is hiding under the pirate hat. 1031 01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:21,319 Faisal's dead. 1032 01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:24,439 He's dead. They... 1033 01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,959 He was carrying explosives and he tripped up over a sheep. 1034 01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:33,559 They're total idiots, Sof. 1035 01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:39,159 Well, it must have been God's plan for him to be blown up on a sheep. 1036 01:01:40,720 --> 01:01:43,639 Come on, Sof. How can that be God's plan? 1037 01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:47,839 Well, it can't be God's plan to leave the lads with Barry, can it? 1038 01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:53,359 Come here. 1039 01:01:56,600 --> 01:02:00,039 You were much more fun when you were gonna blow yourself up, love. 1040 01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:04,079 I am gonna blow myself up, right? 1041 01:02:04,200 --> 01:02:08,279 Just not in a mosque or in a chemist's or on top of a duck. 1042 01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:12,319 Right, well, if they're gonna blow themselves up in the wrong place, 1043 01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:15,879 you've got to make sure you all blow up in the right place. 1044 01:02:17,760 --> 01:02:21,319 Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window. 1045 01:02:21,440 --> 01:02:25,079 What does your heart say, hmm? 1046 01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:26,919 God's in your heart, Dad. 1047 01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,239 Oi, you, come here. 1048 01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:32,559 Sorry, I heard talking. 1049 01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:36,359 Can we finish off the story about Simba's jihad? 1050 01:02:36,480 --> 01:02:38,959 Yeah, we can do that tomorrow. Come on, off to bed. 1051 01:02:39,080 --> 01:02:40,919 Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad? 1052 01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:45,959 Don't you worry, cos even if he gets blown to bits, 1053 01:02:46,080 --> 01:02:47,479 he's gonna die smiling. 1054 01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:50,799 - He'll go straight to heaven. - Yeah. 1055 01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:53,479 He'll be in heaven before his head hits the ceiling. 1056 01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:14,759 An Asian man's head was found less than 2 miles from the city centre today. 1057 01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,879 Steven Fap discovered the Asian man's head 1058 01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:20,719 when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree. 1059 01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:23,359 A head fell out of the tree and nearly hit my dog. 1060 01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:25,439 The man has not been identified, 1061 01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:29,999 but it seems that he may have died while trying to cause an explosion. 1062 01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,279 - Yo, Matt... Is Matt here? - He's in the back. 1063 01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:43,399 - Terry, step outside, bro. - Say that again. 1064 01:03:43,520 --> 01:03:45,199 I need you to go outside. Get a doughnut. 1065 01:03:45,320 --> 01:03:48,559 - I've got one. - Get another one. 1066 01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:49,999 - Matt? - Oh, thanks! 1067 01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:51,239 - Omar? - Yeah, mate. 1068 01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:53,999 - Can you can help me with this? - I got to ask you something first. 1069 01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:55,999 I booked a clown and they gave me this. 1070 01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:58,599 It's the wrong way up. I can't run in a wrong-way-up clown! 1071 01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:00,039 They said, "You ordered it." 1072 01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,159 - Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown? - It's fine. 1073 01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:04,599 - I can sort you out. - I didn't even know what one was. 1074 01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:07,359 I can sort you out with another costume so you can do the marathon. 1075 01:04:07,480 --> 01:04:10,639 I said, "You're gonna cause a pile-up at the marathon with me 1076 01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:13,679 "flat to my arse in a costume I can't even bloody believe exists." 1077 01:04:13,800 --> 01:04:17,119 I've got you a rabbit costume at home. You can run the marathon in that. 1078 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:18,879 - Can I run in a rabbit? - Course you can. 1079 01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:21,519 It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right? Panic over. Done? 1080 01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,599 - Yes, I'm sorry. - I've got to ask you something. 1081 01:04:23,720 --> 01:04:25,559 Have you? Have you seen the news? 1082 01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:27,719 - Yeah, the head. - What do you know about that? 1083 01:04:27,840 --> 01:04:30,199 Well, they're just saying it's jihadi. 1084 01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:32,759 They've got him. Filmed him blowing up a crow. 1085 01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:37,559 Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar, blowing up a crow? 1086 01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:39,359 Omar? 1087 01:04:40,360 --> 01:04:44,079 No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed an ostrich at that wedding I was at. 1088 01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:47,559 - Yeah? - Yeah, I... I've got to go, Matt. 1089 01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:54,959 Shit! 1090 01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:58,319 God help us. 1091 01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:06,119 - That's the police, man. - All right. Arm yourselves. 1092 01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:08,879 All right? 1093 01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:10,959 - Oi. - Get out of my way, Barry. 1094 01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:15,159 Oi! Fuck off out the back door! You're not part of this now. 1095 01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:17,959 Lads, this is an emergency. They found Faisal's head. 1096 01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:20,759 The head that you buried 5 feet underneath your shed 1097 01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:22,599 fell out of a tree onto a dog. 1098 01:05:22,720 --> 01:05:24,519 Good. Dogs contradict Islam. 1099 01:05:24,640 --> 01:05:26,199 Dibble is onto us, lads. 1100 01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:29,839 - Dibble is on to us. - I told you, it was a knee. 1101 01:05:29,960 --> 01:05:31,759 That was a head. It was obviously a head. 1102 01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:32,999 It had a hinge! 1103 01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:36,039 Right. So, I've just seen Matt. 1104 01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:38,479 Matt is running the London marathon tomorrow. 1105 01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:40,079 He's doing it in costume. 1106 01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:42,039 You know they run in costume? Well, so can we. 1107 01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:44,879 We can disguise the gear in there and it's perfect. 1108 01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:47,719 We've got live TV, prime targets all along the road. 1109 01:05:47,840 --> 01:05:49,759 We've got a target, Omar. It's the mosque. 1110 01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:50,879 When you meet God, 1111 01:05:51,000 --> 01:05:53,519 do you want to tell him, "I struck a blow for the brothers"? 1112 01:05:53,640 --> 01:05:57,239 - Or "I blew a load of them up"? - Blew a load of 'em up. He'll love that. 1113 01:05:57,360 --> 01:05:59,599 Come on, lads. Waj? 1114 01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,879 I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar. 1115 01:06:03,840 --> 01:06:06,239 - You ripped me up, bro. - Mashallah. 1116 01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,759 Waj, bro... 1117 01:06:09,200 --> 01:06:10,919 I'm really sorry. 1118 01:06:11,040 --> 01:06:13,279 My head was in a mess cos of Faisal. 1119 01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:16,559 I should've stayed. 1120 01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:19,559 Why didn't you, then? 1121 01:06:19,680 --> 01:06:21,159 Cos I made a mistake. 1122 01:06:21,280 --> 01:06:24,399 But you didn't. You listened to your heart and you did the right thing. 1123 01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:29,839 No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice. 1124 01:06:29,960 --> 01:06:32,279 You cannot win an argument just by being nice. 1125 01:06:32,400 --> 01:06:34,999 Not just by being nice, Baz. I'm right as well, aren't I? 1126 01:06:35,120 --> 01:06:37,199 You cannot win an argument just by being right. 1127 01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:40,039 - No? - No. No way. 1128 01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:44,199 - I think maybe you can, Barry? - Who asked you, fuck-brain? 1129 01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:54,199 Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar. 1130 01:06:54,320 --> 01:06:56,959 He made me do bad stuff in the woods. 1131 01:06:57,080 --> 01:06:58,479 Like what? 1132 01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:03,559 He said, if I was a proper mujahid, 1133 01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:05,479 I'd wiz in my own mouth. 1134 01:07:06,640 --> 01:07:09,719 You made him wee in his own gob? 1135 01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,519 What is wrong with you, bro? 1136 01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:14,159 It's submission. It's the rules of submission. 1137 01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:16,519 It felt really bad, brother. 1138 01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:18,759 It's not too tricky once you get the aim right, 1139 01:07:18,880 --> 01:07:21,759 but it just feels like really proper wrong. 1140 01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:25,239 All wee splashing off your teeth. 1141 01:07:30,200 --> 01:07:35,639 Bro, I swear, bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up 1142 01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:38,239 but I will never ask you to piss in your own mouth. 1143 01:07:39,760 --> 01:07:41,519 - Yeah? - Yeah, bro. Promise. 1144 01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:46,359 - No more widdle in my gob. - Promise, bro. 1145 01:07:48,520 --> 01:07:50,159 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1146 01:07:52,360 --> 01:07:55,079 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother. 1147 01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:56,799 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1148 01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:04,799 See this, brother Hass? 1149 01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:07,439 It's gays at work. It's not Muslims, it's gays. 1150 01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:10,439 OK, brother Hass, marathon or mosque? 1151 01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:15,399 - Either way, we're gonna blow, right? - Yeah, to pieces, brother. 1152 01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:18,799 Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro. 1153 01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:26,799 Yeah, wicked. 1154 01:08:26,920 --> 01:08:28,439 Wicked. Yeah, man. 1155 01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:30,879 Let's blow up a load offit slags at the marathon, yeah? 1156 01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:31,959 Oh, yes! 1157 01:08:32,080 --> 01:08:33,599 Yes, bro. 1158 01:08:33,720 --> 01:08:35,159 Wicked. Yes! 1159 01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:36,799 Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro. 1160 01:08:36,920 --> 01:08:38,479 - Four lions. - Yes! 1161 01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:40,439 Good lad. 1162 01:08:43,880 --> 01:08:45,399 Down on the floor! 1163 01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:06,559 I'll be two minutes. 1164 01:09:18,840 --> 01:09:20,959 What's it concerning? 1165 01:09:21,080 --> 01:09:23,279 We trying to ascertain the whereabouts of your brother-in-law. 1166 01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:24,399 Why, what's up? 1167 01:09:24,520 --> 01:09:26,679 Tell us when you saw him last. 1168 01:09:27,800 --> 01:09:29,719 Well... 1169 01:09:29,840 --> 01:09:31,439 I can't remember the last time I saw him. 1170 01:09:34,360 --> 01:09:36,639 Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry. 1171 01:09:36,760 --> 01:09:39,879 So, I've got the stats back from cubicle seven. 1172 01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:42,719 They need some more blood supplies for the knee. 1173 01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:43,839 The what? 1174 01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:46,599 Yes, the knee string. The knee string's come off. 1175 01:09:46,720 --> 01:09:48,719 Hm. 1176 01:09:48,840 --> 01:09:50,759 I've finished my shift now. 1177 01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:53,719 So I'm going to take my team up to the top floor. 1178 01:09:53,840 --> 01:09:54,999 - Right? - OK. 1179 01:09:55,120 --> 01:09:56,599 So I'll see you up there. 1180 01:09:58,400 --> 01:09:59,679 Yeah? 1181 01:10:01,160 --> 01:10:02,679 - OK. - Yeah? 1182 01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:05,399 You all right, lads. You going to arrest me? 1183 01:10:05,520 --> 01:10:06,799 - No, no. - Carry on. 1184 01:10:06,920 --> 01:10:08,679 OK. 1185 01:10:12,920 --> 01:10:16,879 Right, so your brother-in-law, when was the last time you saw him? 1186 01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:19,479 Er, like I said, about two months ago. 1187 01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:56,479 ♪ Dancing in the moonlight 1188 01:10:56,600 --> 01:11:01,039 ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright 1189 01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,639 ♪ Such a fine and natural sight 1190 01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:09,159 ♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight... 1191 01:11:32,520 --> 01:11:34,319 Come on lads, we're late. 1192 01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:38,719 - Is it all right? - It's all right there now. 1193 01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:40,919 - Yeah. - Right, we're nearly done, our kid. 1194 01:11:41,040 --> 01:11:42,519 Yeah, nearly done. 1195 01:11:42,640 --> 01:11:44,119 - OK? - Yeah. 1196 01:11:49,800 --> 01:11:51,239 Mujahid, brothers! 1197 01:11:51,360 --> 01:11:54,279 - Mujahid. - Mujahid, brother Hassan. 1198 01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:55,599 Mujahid! 1199 01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:00,679 Defo right thing, yeah, bro? 1200 01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:02,119 What? 1201 01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:04,439 Blowing up kuffar and that? 1202 01:12:04,560 --> 01:12:06,799 - Totally legit, yeah? - Yeah. 1203 01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:08,319 Good. Wicked. 1204 01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:11,519 I was just... just checking and that. 1205 01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:16,759 Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro. 1206 01:12:16,880 --> 01:12:20,279 OK? The shaitan, he gets in there with his wasa-wasa. 1207 01:12:20,400 --> 01:12:24,079 What you've got to do, you've got to listen to your heart. Remember? 1208 01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:27,799 - My heart. Yeah, brother Omar. - So, what does your heart say? 1209 01:12:27,920 --> 01:12:29,599 It says, er... 1210 01:12:29,720 --> 01:12:31,719 "It's wrong, Waj, don't do it." 1211 01:12:35,560 --> 01:12:36,959 And what does your brain say? 1212 01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:43,439 "We're here... 1213 01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:47,199 "...together, strapped up, 1214 01:12:47,320 --> 01:12:50,159 "and it would be, like, well pathetic to cop out now." 1215 01:12:50,280 --> 01:12:52,359 Right, um... 1216 01:12:52,480 --> 01:12:56,079 - So he should listen to his brain. - No, he's got to listen to his heart, Barry. 1217 01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:59,719 Anyway, this is Waj's brain. Since when do we listen to Waj's brain? 1218 01:12:59,840 --> 01:13:02,079 - Sorry, bro. - No, I agree. I'm thick as fudge. 1219 01:13:02,200 --> 01:13:04,879 His brain says do it, so his brain's got to be right! 1220 01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,159 That can't be his brain, right? That's his heart, Barry. 1221 01:13:08,280 --> 01:13:11,879 - Feels like my brain, brother. - OK, this is what's happened. 1222 01:13:13,800 --> 01:13:16,199 What's happened is, the shaitan has confused you. 1223 01:13:17,680 --> 01:13:19,599 He's swapped round your brain and your heart. 1224 01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:24,159 So, don't listen to what you think is your heart, 1225 01:13:24,280 --> 01:13:26,079 cos that's actually your brain - 1226 01:13:26,200 --> 01:13:28,959 in disguise as your heart. 1227 01:13:29,080 --> 01:13:31,879 Right? And what you thought was your brain, 1228 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:33,999 that's... that's your heart. 1229 01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,719 That's actually your heart. 1230 01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:39,519 My brain is my heart. 1231 01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:42,079 You got it, our kid. So just... 1232 01:13:42,600 --> 01:13:43,599 What's up there? 1233 01:13:43,720 --> 01:13:44,799 Heart. 1234 01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:48,759 OK? Yeah? Follow your heart. 1235 01:13:48,880 --> 01:13:50,199 Nice one, brother. 1236 01:13:50,320 --> 01:13:52,919 - Right? - Nice one. Alhamdulillah. 1237 01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:55,959 - Hey, hey! - What? 1238 01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,879 Oh, behn choad! 1239 01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:00,799 We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity. 1240 01:14:00,920 --> 01:14:02,959 Stretches, stretches, stretches. 1241 01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:05,279 - We're running for charity. - What kind of charity? 1242 01:14:05,400 --> 01:14:06,879 - For kids. - What kind of kids? 1243 01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:08,119 Policemen's kids. 1244 01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:11,559 You all right, officer? 1245 01:14:11,680 --> 01:14:14,119 - Late for the fun run, lads? - What's it to you? 1246 01:14:14,240 --> 01:14:18,279 Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know how we can get to the red zone? 1247 01:14:20,480 --> 01:14:22,479 You can't run in that, can you? 1248 01:14:23,880 --> 01:14:25,879 He just drew the short straw. 1249 01:14:27,160 --> 01:14:28,959 Four short straws were there? 1250 01:14:33,520 --> 01:14:35,719 Red zone? It's back down there, left. 1251 01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:39,599 Second left again, then there's marshals. They'll tell you where to park. 1252 01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:41,119 Thank you. 1253 01:14:42,240 --> 01:14:43,959 You're gonna die in that gear, lads. 1254 01:14:46,600 --> 01:14:48,679 - That's more than likely. - Proper likely. 1255 01:14:48,800 --> 01:14:50,799 We're all going to die, yeah. 1256 01:14:50,920 --> 01:14:53,079 It's all for a good cause, though. 1257 01:14:55,840 --> 01:14:57,639 Well, good luck. 1258 01:14:59,520 --> 01:15:01,039 Have a good day. 1259 01:15:01,160 --> 01:15:03,119 Everybody OK? Everybody strapped up? 1260 01:15:03,240 --> 01:15:06,599 Got your detonator on? Hass, you got your number? 1261 01:15:06,720 --> 01:15:08,399 Hass, have you got your number? 1262 01:15:09,320 --> 01:15:10,239 Hey! 1263 01:15:10,360 --> 01:15:12,039 - Where the fuck has he gone? - Shit! 1264 01:15:12,160 --> 01:15:13,559 What the fuck's he doing? 1265 01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:15,319 Help! Help! 1266 01:15:15,440 --> 01:15:17,559 - I'm accidentally a suicide bomber! - Stop! 1267 01:15:18,560 --> 01:15:20,839 - I've got a bomb! - He's bottled it. 1268 01:15:20,960 --> 01:15:23,039 It's the costume. The legs make the hands go up. 1269 01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:26,079 - I've got a bomb but it's a mistake! - No, he said he's got a bomb. 1270 01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:29,119 - You've got a bomb? - Yeah, but I'm not a bomber! 1271 01:15:29,240 --> 01:15:31,439 Don't worry. 1272 01:15:31,560 --> 01:15:33,559 - This is a fucking bad prank, mate! - No, no! 1273 01:15:33,680 --> 01:15:36,439 No, I'm real, but not any more. 1274 01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:38,719 You're real but not any more? 1275 01:15:38,840 --> 01:15:40,839 I don't understand. Have you got a bomb? 1276 01:15:40,960 --> 01:15:42,599 Yes, but it's not going to go off. 1277 01:15:42,720 --> 01:15:45,199 - How do I know that? - Look. 1278 01:15:53,200 --> 01:15:55,239 We've got to go, now. 1279 01:15:55,360 --> 01:15:57,679 We need to go, now. 1280 01:15:57,800 --> 01:15:59,599 Now! 1281 01:16:07,240 --> 01:16:08,519 Go! Come on, go! 1282 01:16:09,000 --> 01:16:12,279 Waj, try and find some targets. I'll see you on the top floor, our kid. 1283 01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:13,799 Radisson-style penthouse suite! 1284 01:16:13,920 --> 01:16:15,119 Smooth running, Waj. 1285 01:16:15,240 --> 01:16:17,599 "Smooth running, Waj. Smooth running." 1286 01:16:18,720 --> 01:16:20,999 - You killed Hassan! - He bottled. 1287 01:16:21,120 --> 01:16:23,359 You took away his choice. You de-martyred him. 1288 01:16:23,480 --> 01:16:25,319 Did Waj have a choice when you told him 1289 01:16:25,440 --> 01:16:28,679 his heart was his brain and his gob was his ring piece? 1290 01:16:28,800 --> 01:16:30,359 You tomatoed your friend. 1291 01:16:30,480 --> 01:16:32,999 - Barry... - You've killed the special-needs donkey. 1292 01:16:35,360 --> 01:16:36,359 No, I haven't. 1293 01:16:37,080 --> 01:16:38,599 Let him blow! 1294 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,719 Let the retard blow! 1295 01:16:43,440 --> 01:16:44,879 Fuck! 1296 01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:16,239 Oi, you, stop! 1297 01:17:46,480 --> 01:17:47,479 All right, bro? 1298 01:17:47,680 --> 01:17:48,679 Hey! 1299 01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:54,439 Stay there! 1300 01:17:54,560 --> 01:17:57,199 I'm fucking loaded! Yeah? 1301 01:17:57,320 --> 01:17:59,919 No messing now, yeah? 1302 01:18:00,040 --> 01:18:02,799 That's it. Stay there. 1303 01:18:08,400 --> 01:18:10,359 Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it. 1304 01:18:10,480 --> 01:18:11,719 Shut it! 1305 01:18:13,760 --> 01:18:16,119 Right, lads. See this, yeah? 1306 01:18:16,240 --> 01:18:17,519 Any of you do anything, 1307 01:18:18,240 --> 01:18:20,439 we're all turning baked beans, all right? 1308 01:18:20,560 --> 01:18:22,559 No fucking messing now. Yeah? 1309 01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:28,639 Target confirmations are ostrich and grizzly bear. 1310 01:18:28,760 --> 01:18:30,759 Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets. 1311 01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:40,599 The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down. I got the bear. 1312 01:18:40,720 --> 01:18:42,919 I think that's a wookie. That's a wookie. 1313 01:18:43,040 --> 01:18:44,359 No, it's not, it's a bear. 1314 01:18:45,640 --> 01:18:47,039 Is a wookie a bear, control? 1315 01:18:47,160 --> 01:18:50,759 The bear target has changed. Target bear is now target Honey Monster. 1316 01:18:50,880 --> 01:18:53,039 Is a honey monster a bear? 1317 01:18:53,160 --> 01:18:55,519 A honey monster is not a bear. 1318 01:18:56,280 --> 01:18:57,959 A honey monster is a bear. 1319 01:18:58,080 --> 01:19:00,599 The honey monster is down. He was a target. He was a bear. 1320 01:19:00,720 --> 01:19:01,919 The honey monster is down? 1321 01:19:02,040 --> 01:19:05,199 The honey monster is not down, control. We have a wookie down. 1322 01:19:05,320 --> 01:19:07,999 - What's a wookie? - A bear. It's a bear! 1323 01:19:08,120 --> 01:19:10,919 No, it is a wookie. You've just shot it as a bear. 1324 01:19:11,040 --> 01:19:13,479 - Is a wookie a bear? - It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear. 1325 01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:15,599 The wookie is down. The wookie is not the target. 1326 01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:18,519 Well, it must be the target. I just shot it. 1327 01:19:24,120 --> 01:19:26,999 I'll just finish this, then we're all off to heaven, all right? 1328 01:19:27,960 --> 01:19:29,959 Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge. 1329 01:19:31,240 --> 01:19:32,359 Are you going to kill us? 1330 01:19:32,480 --> 01:19:35,879 Well, I might have some seconds, but I kind of am, yeah. 1331 01:19:36,760 --> 01:19:37,799 Why? 1332 01:19:37,920 --> 01:19:40,639 For jihad, man. Kuffar and that. 1333 01:19:40,760 --> 01:19:42,199 But we support jihad, bro. 1334 01:19:43,440 --> 01:19:45,919 I can't explain it, lads, but... 1335 01:19:46,040 --> 01:19:48,079 If brother Omar were here, 1336 01:19:48,200 --> 01:19:50,679 I swear he'd tell you knowledge proper good. 1337 01:20:11,720 --> 01:20:13,719 - Omar? - Waj? 1338 01:20:13,840 --> 01:20:15,399 - Are you in paradise, bro? - No, bro. 1339 01:20:15,520 --> 01:20:18,199 - I'm in a cafe. Where are you? - I'm in a kebab shop. 1340 01:20:18,320 --> 01:20:21,479 I've got hostages and everything, like Xbox Counter-Strike. 1341 01:20:21,600 --> 01:20:25,039 - Right, listen, Waj. You've got to... - Thing is, they're all brothers. 1342 01:20:25,160 --> 01:20:29,159 I still get points for taking them with me, though, yeah? Like Nectar card? 1343 01:20:31,080 --> 01:20:32,799 Omar? 1344 01:20:32,920 --> 01:20:36,039 - Let them all go. Just keep one of them. - Eh? 1345 01:20:37,320 --> 01:20:39,679 Just grab one of them. Let the rest of them go, Waj. 1346 01:20:39,800 --> 01:20:40,919 OK. 1347 01:20:41,720 --> 01:20:43,559 Right, you stay. 1348 01:20:43,680 --> 01:20:45,079 You three can go. 1349 01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:49,239 Go! 1350 01:20:49,360 --> 01:20:50,439 OK. Now listen, Waj. 1351 01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:52,879 What you were saying before about this being wrong, 1352 01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:54,559 you were right, it is wrong. 1353 01:20:54,680 --> 01:20:56,479 - I don't... What do you mean? - For you. 1354 01:20:56,600 --> 01:20:58,719 For you, Waj, doing what you're doing is wrong. 1355 01:20:58,840 --> 01:21:02,199 Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro. But that's why it's right, yeah? 1356 01:21:03,120 --> 01:21:05,159 No, you're confused, bro. 1357 01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:06,679 I'm not confused, brother. 1358 01:21:06,800 --> 01:21:09,479 Yes, you are confused. I confused you. 1359 01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:11,599 But when I'm confused, I got my confused face. 1360 01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:12,999 Wait. 1361 01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:25,439 Bro, I just took a picture of my face. It's defo not my confused face. 1362 01:21:25,560 --> 01:21:27,439 - Waj, I don't need... - I'll send it you. 1363 01:21:27,560 --> 01:21:29,359 Waj. Waj, wait. 1364 01:21:29,480 --> 01:21:31,079 Listen to me, Waj. Wait. 1365 01:21:31,200 --> 01:21:34,279 "Listen to me." It's too late to stick your hand up his arse now. 1366 01:21:37,600 --> 01:21:38,759 Aargh! 1367 01:21:38,880 --> 01:21:39,999 Oh! 1368 01:21:40,120 --> 01:21:42,279 Ah, look at the Paki Bono. 1369 01:21:42,400 --> 01:21:43,759 You want to call him? 1370 01:21:43,880 --> 01:21:45,759 You want to call the special-needs donkey? 1371 01:21:45,880 --> 01:21:47,359 Here you go. 1372 01:21:47,480 --> 01:21:49,079 You forgot the SIM card. 1373 01:21:59,920 --> 01:22:01,319 Mind out. Mind out the way. 1374 01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:04,479 Easy, chap. OK. 1375 01:22:04,600 --> 01:22:07,279 It's all right, I can Heimlich. That's it, don't fight me. 1376 01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:09,559 - Wait. - I've done this before, sonny. 1377 01:22:09,680 --> 01:22:10,959 That's it. Don't fight it. 1378 01:22:11,080 --> 01:22:12,519 That's it, that's it. 1379 01:22:14,600 --> 01:22:16,279 And catch the peanut! 1380 01:22:39,880 --> 01:22:42,439 Number withheld. I don't do "number withheld". 1381 01:22:42,560 --> 01:22:44,039 Answer it, bro. It could be important! 1382 01:22:44,160 --> 01:22:46,359 Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone. 1383 01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:49,439 - Waj? - Have I won? 1384 01:22:49,560 --> 01:22:53,119 Waj, this is Ed. I'm with Special Branch. I'm just outside. 1385 01:22:53,240 --> 01:22:56,119 - How did you get this number? - Waj, can we talk? 1386 01:22:56,240 --> 01:22:59,039 - Have you got agents at Orange? - I'm sorry? 1387 01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:02,799 You've got proper double agents working at Orange, haven't you? 1388 01:23:02,920 --> 01:23:05,759 I knew I should have gone to O2. I've got loads offriends on O2. 1389 01:23:05,880 --> 01:23:08,599 Waj, what are your demands? 1390 01:23:10,840 --> 01:23:11,999 I don't have any. 1391 01:23:19,760 --> 01:23:23,599 Excuse me, mate. Have you got a SIM card for this phone, please? 1392 01:23:23,720 --> 01:23:27,119 Not for that model, but we can sort one out for you if you want to come with me. 1393 01:23:27,240 --> 01:23:29,519 Can you make this work. I need it. Is it on? 1394 01:23:29,640 --> 01:23:30,999 It's only a display model. Do you want that one? 1395 01:23:31,120 --> 01:23:32,199 Yeah, I want it. I need it. 1396 01:23:32,320 --> 01:23:34,679 Gordon? Can you get that phone for me, please, mate? 1397 01:23:42,200 --> 01:23:44,319 Waj, why are you doing this? 1398 01:23:44,440 --> 01:23:46,159 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1399 01:23:46,840 --> 01:23:47,839 Sorry? 1400 01:23:47,960 --> 01:23:51,519 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro. Fast track. 1401 01:23:51,640 --> 01:23:53,799 Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers. 1402 01:23:53,920 --> 01:23:57,519 - No queue. - You like funfairs then, Waj? 1403 01:23:57,640 --> 01:24:00,079 It's not a funfair, bro, it's a theme park. 1404 01:24:00,200 --> 01:24:02,039 Funfair? How old are you? 1405 01:24:02,160 --> 01:24:04,079 Alton Towers got a spa, bro. 1406 01:24:06,320 --> 01:24:07,919 - Just now. - All right, mate. 1407 01:24:08,040 --> 01:24:10,119 I'm doing it for you. Would you like 12 months? 1408 01:24:10,240 --> 01:24:12,279 - Contract? - Any. 1409 01:24:12,400 --> 01:24:14,159 - Do the call plan. - All right, mate. 1410 01:24:14,280 --> 01:24:17,479 Easy, bro, easy. I'm doing it for you. 1411 01:24:17,600 --> 01:24:21,359 - I think I'm going to go now, bro. - Wait, Waj. What about girls? 1412 01:24:21,480 --> 01:24:24,079 I bet you like the ladies. 1413 01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:26,239 Is this your first time, bro? 1414 01:24:26,360 --> 01:24:28,319 Are you a virgin at this? 1415 01:24:29,920 --> 01:24:31,839 Please, Waj, can we talk about girls? 1416 01:24:31,960 --> 01:24:34,279 You fill that out. Fill it out. 1417 01:24:34,400 --> 01:24:36,559 - What sort of call plan would you like? - What? 1418 01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:38,759 We've got the Labrador? The Dragon? 1419 01:24:38,880 --> 01:24:41,119 - Just any? - How about the Hermit Crab? 1420 01:24:41,240 --> 01:24:43,599 - Huh? - It's 1800 free texts. 1421 01:24:44,800 --> 01:24:45,799 Forget it. 1422 01:24:47,360 --> 01:24:48,479 I've still got your card. 1423 01:24:51,840 --> 01:24:53,439 OK, we can talk about girls. 1424 01:24:53,560 --> 01:24:56,719 Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj? 1425 01:24:56,840 --> 01:24:59,359 I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that. 1426 01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,279 - Yeah? You like them big, Waj? - Yeah. 1427 01:25:01,400 --> 01:25:03,759 And nice fit arses, too, man. 1428 01:25:03,880 --> 01:25:06,159 You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? 1429 01:25:06,280 --> 01:25:08,639 I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. 1430 01:25:08,760 --> 01:25:10,679 You're a massive arse man. 1431 01:25:10,800 --> 01:25:13,799 - What are you saying? - I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj. 1432 01:25:13,920 --> 01:25:17,159 You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer? 1433 01:25:17,280 --> 01:25:19,799 - No. - Fuck off! 1434 01:25:23,040 --> 01:25:25,319 Fucking Boy George! 1435 01:25:34,680 --> 01:25:35,999 Don't worry, brother Nabil. 1436 01:25:40,800 --> 01:25:42,239 Hold on to these. 1437 01:25:42,360 --> 01:25:43,719 When I press the clicker, 1438 01:25:43,840 --> 01:25:46,159 just think about taking out the kuffar. 1439 01:25:46,280 --> 01:25:48,079 You'll be in paradise before me, bro! 1440 01:25:48,200 --> 01:25:50,639 But there's no kuffar here, bro. 1441 01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:53,999 Yeah, but... 1442 01:25:54,800 --> 01:25:57,759 Brother Faisal, he's a martyr and he only blew up a sheep. 1443 01:25:59,880 --> 01:26:02,439 I think you might be confused, brother. 1444 01:26:03,960 --> 01:26:05,359 I'm not. 1445 01:26:06,600 --> 01:26:08,399 You look confused. 1446 01:26:14,720 --> 01:26:16,559 Sorry. Matt! 1447 01:26:16,680 --> 01:26:19,479 - Omar! - Matt! 1448 01:26:20,120 --> 01:26:22,879 Yeah, man, listen. Have you got a signal on your phone? 1449 01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:25,479 Yeah. What are you doing here? 1450 01:26:25,600 --> 01:26:27,719 I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5. 1451 01:26:27,840 --> 01:26:30,359 Special undercover job. I'm a spook. 1452 01:26:30,480 --> 01:26:31,879 What? 1453 01:26:32,000 --> 01:26:33,719 So what's going on? 1454 01:26:33,840 --> 01:26:35,319 Fathers 4 Justice. 1455 01:26:36,160 --> 01:26:38,799 They've teamed up with the Real IRA. It's the nightmare scenario. 1456 01:26:39,720 --> 01:26:41,559 - Jesus. - Yeah. Just give me five. 1457 01:26:48,560 --> 01:26:50,159 Fucking "number unknown" again. 1458 01:26:50,280 --> 01:26:52,599 Is that whammer cop going straight to hell or what? 1459 01:26:54,160 --> 01:26:55,879 - What are you doing? - Hello? 1460 01:26:56,000 --> 01:26:58,759 - Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar. - Omar? 1461 01:26:58,880 --> 01:26:59,799 Omar? 1462 01:26:59,920 --> 01:27:01,639 - Waj. - Tell me what to do, bro. 1463 01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:04,559 I think I might be confused but I'm not sure. 1464 01:27:04,680 --> 01:27:06,359 Listen, bro. You do what I do, right? 1465 01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:07,839 You do the same as me, OK? 1466 01:27:07,960 --> 01:27:09,839 Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you. 1467 01:27:09,960 --> 01:27:13,079 Right, OK. I'm going give myself up, bro. 1468 01:27:13,200 --> 01:27:15,239 - Eh? - I'm going to give myself up, bro. 1469 01:27:20,680 --> 01:27:22,839 Waj? Waj! 1470 01:27:24,240 --> 01:27:26,639 Waj? Waj? 1471 01:27:28,920 --> 01:27:33,159 Brother, what am I? What am I doing, brother? 1472 01:27:34,120 --> 01:27:36,959 - Waj! Waj! - What am I doing, brother? 1473 01:27:37,080 --> 01:27:38,759 - Pick up the phone! - Bro, what am I doing? 1474 01:27:38,880 --> 01:27:40,439 All right, mate? 1475 01:27:41,560 --> 01:27:44,439 I'm sorry, lads. I don't really know what I'm doing. 1476 01:27:54,360 --> 01:28:00,159 What was that? 1477 01:28:06,120 --> 01:28:08,359 Are you all right? 1478 01:28:14,080 --> 01:28:15,999 Omar, are you all right? 1479 01:28:16,120 --> 01:28:19,279 Now, you stay here. And you tell them I were smiling. 1480 01:28:19,400 --> 01:28:20,839 What? 1481 01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,039 Smile on my face. Could be important. 1482 01:28:24,160 --> 01:28:26,759 Right... Smile. 1483 01:28:29,200 --> 01:28:30,959 - Is there? - Yeah. 1484 01:28:35,360 --> 01:28:37,159 Where are you going? 1485 01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:40,639 Omar? 1486 01:29:24,160 --> 01:29:28,719 This is RAF Mildenhall, 1487 01:29:28,840 --> 01:29:30,999 but it's actually Egypt. 1488 01:29:31,120 --> 01:29:35,319 When you entered the base, you left Britain, 1489 01:29:35,440 --> 01:29:40,279 and you passed through US jurisdiction and into this container, 1490 01:29:40,400 --> 01:29:44,999 which is internationally recognised as the sovereign territory of Egypt. 1491 01:29:46,680 --> 01:29:49,399 You are now in Egypt. 1492 01:29:50,800 --> 01:29:53,999 There are some pretty hellish Egyptians behind that door there. 1493 01:29:54,120 --> 01:29:57,679 They use electrodes. They use drills. 1494 01:29:58,720 --> 01:30:01,599 Biro refills. Do you know what I mean? 1495 01:30:01,720 --> 01:30:04,359 I don't know anything about my brother. 1496 01:30:08,600 --> 01:30:10,399 We know a lot more than you think we do. 1497 01:30:13,880 --> 01:30:17,959 All right, let's get one thing straight. Omar Khan had nothing to do with this. 1498 01:30:19,480 --> 01:30:21,839 Cos I knew him and I worked with him. 1499 01:30:22,400 --> 01:30:25,559 Did you know he was actually working for Ml5? 1500 01:30:25,680 --> 01:30:27,399 Cos he told me that himself. 1501 01:30:27,520 --> 01:30:32,279 The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, 1502 01:30:32,400 --> 01:30:35,719 but, as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. 1503 01:30:36,480 --> 01:30:37,919 Is that clear? 1504 01:30:42,320 --> 01:30:45,919 Today you felt our exploding sword 1505 01:30:46,040 --> 01:30:48,519 in your fat oppressor stomachs, man. 1506 01:30:50,720 --> 01:30:53,879 We're the muslimeen and we're making terrible scenes 1507 01:30:54,000 --> 01:30:56,599 Now you wanna know what the boom-boom means? 1508 01:30:56,720 --> 01:31:00,239 It's like Tupac said: "When I die, I ain't dead 1509 01:31:00,360 --> 01:31:03,999 "Fight and be slain, die with no pain 1510 01:31:04,120 --> 01:31:08,439 Got shaheed in my heed, for my creed I daheed 1511 01:31:08,560 --> 01:31:11,919 We are the martyrs, you'sjust smashed tomatoes 1512 01:31:12,040 --> 01:31:15,079 - Now we've got... - Bro? What were that? 1513 01:31:15,200 --> 01:31:17,319 For my creed, I daheed 1514 01:31:17,440 --> 01:31:18,839 What's "daheed", though? 1515 01:31:18,960 --> 01:31:20,199 Died. 1516 01:31:20,320 --> 01:31:22,479 - Daheed, died. Daheed. - That's bollocks, man. 1517 01:31:22,600 --> 01:31:25,039 - You're rhyming doolally. - That's clear, man. 1518 01:31:25,160 --> 01:31:26,479 No, no, look. In my opinion... 1519 01:31:26,600 --> 01:31:29,879 Look, no, man. In your opinion? Your opinion's shit, man. 1520 01:31:30,000 --> 01:31:32,239 With all due respect, bro, you like Maroon 5. 1521 01:31:32,360 --> 01:31:33,799 What the fuck's that about? 1522 01:31:33,920 --> 01:31:35,199 - Come here. - Whoa, whoa! 1523 01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:37,159 - Come here, man. - I'm joking! 1524 01:31:54,600 --> 01:31:59,559 When we talk about a so-called terrorist attack on the London marathon, 1525 01:31:59,680 --> 01:32:01,679 we should remember one thing: 1526 01:32:01,800 --> 01:32:04,919 Most loud bangs are not bombs, 1527 01:32:05,040 --> 01:32:07,039 they're scooters backfiring. 1528 01:32:16,760 --> 01:32:19,679 This footage, taken from an American spy plane. 1529 01:32:19,800 --> 01:32:24,359 Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens struggling with a rocket launcher. 1530 01:32:24,480 --> 01:32:27,159 Firing it at an Arab training camp 1531 01:32:27,280 --> 01:32:30,919 and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden. 1532 01:32:37,120 --> 01:32:41,599 The western imperialist culture has left you like materialist junkies, 1533 01:32:41,720 --> 01:32:45,919 mainlining iPods and Humvees and TK Maxx into a spiritual void. 1534 01:32:46,040 --> 01:32:48,279 Is Mad Qadeer watching this? 1535 01:32:48,400 --> 01:32:52,919 - What? - Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200. 1536 01:32:54,800 --> 01:32:57,319 Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right, 1537 01:32:57,440 --> 01:32:59,519 you owe me £200. 1538 01:32:59,640 --> 01:33:01,359 And you're gonna pay up. 1539 01:33:01,480 --> 01:33:03,239 Cos I'm not here right now. 1540 01:33:03,360 --> 01:33:05,999 I'm somewhere else, but you're still gonna pay. 1541 01:33:07,520 --> 01:33:09,839 You're going to pay Saf. Saf, if you're watching, bro, 1542 01:33:09,960 --> 01:33:12,199 you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right, 1543 01:33:12,320 --> 01:33:16,119 and you get him to pay me my £200, cos he's owed it me a long time. 1544 01:33:19,280 --> 01:33:20,759 He owes me money.