1
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,240
He was offensive.

2
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,680
He was obnoxious.

3
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,680
He was disgusting.

4
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,560
Do you want me to go on?

5
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,200
Once he wanted me
to approve a contest

6
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,240
where he would
give a new toilet

7
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,840
to the listener with
the largest bowel movement.

8
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,840
On the air.

9
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,320
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.

10
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,160
Howard Stern: You know, when I
look back on this moment in my life,

11
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,200
I really wanted it to work.

12
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,760
I wanted this to be
the biggest moment

13
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,240
in the history of entertainment.
I'm not kidding.

14
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,880
I wanted everyone
to wake up the next morning

15
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,160
talking about me,
Howard Stern.

16
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,840
That's the kind
of thinking, though,

17
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,400
that usually
gets me into trouble.

18
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,840
John Stamos: I'm here to
introduce the next presenter.

19
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,040
Believe me, a lot of people
refused to introduce this guy,

20
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,040
but, uh...

21
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,200
Is this safe?

22
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,040
When you drop,
don't spin around

23
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,320
or the wires
get screwed up.

24
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,480
...Radio waves
high above America...

25
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,720
It's a bird...

26
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,600
I'm making such a mistake.

27
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,160
It's a plane...

28
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,000
No, it's Fartman!

29
00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,000
Howard:
Behold, I am Fartman.

30
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,800
Behold, the greatest.
That is me.

31
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,160
The mightiest
of superheroes.

32
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,920
My ass has power!

33
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,480
Screw Superman.

34
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,760
I am Fartman.
Fartman rules.

35
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,280
Fartman.

36
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,800
Fartman!

37
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:27,840
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,

38
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,560
I will show you
something so marvelous.

39
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,560
Behold.

40
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:43,040
The lovely and talented
Fartman, ladies and gentlemen.

41
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,600
Howard: I got to tell you,
with all this carrying on,

42
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,080
I mean, the way
they were screaming,

43
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,000
at first I really thought
I'd won them over.

44
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,840
I thought I was the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan or something.

45
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,400
Oh, shock...

46
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,800
But did my fellow artists
appreciate

47
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,160
the comedically ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?

48
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,040
No. They just thought
I was an idiot.

49
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,480
You know, most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies.

50
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,240
Hey, look, all I want
is for my artistic courage

51
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,760
to be an inspiration
to others.

52
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:23,800
Instead, I'm a joke.

53
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,960
Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.

54
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,800
Embarrassing.

55
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,120
See, that's when I came
to a profound realization...

56
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:38,240
Everything I do
is misunderstood.

57
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,240
Haah!

58
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,360
Everything I do
is misunderstood.

59
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,400
I mean, think about
what a burden that is.

60
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,800
What a thing
to go through life with.

61
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,680
All I'm trying to do
is be funny,

62
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,960
and I end up
feeling like an asshole.

63
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,360
What a fucking jerk.

64
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,200
Howard, it was a home run.

65
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,360
You think so?

66
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,840
Absolutely.
And when you said,

67
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,480
"All of Hollywood
can kiss my ass,"

68
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,400
you had every teenager in the
country eating out of your hand.

69
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,560
My guess is we'll get
coverage from 200, maybe 300...

70
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,200
Howard.

71
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,880
Howard...
here's your ticket.

72
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,880
OK? Now call me as soon as
you get to New York, will you?

73
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,840
Yo, Fartman.
Love you, man.

74
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,520
Thanks.

75
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,720
All right. So getting back
to what I was talking about...

76
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,600
More than anything, I'd like
the public to appreciate me.

77
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:49,000
No, forget that.
I want them to love me...

78
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,520
Not the myth, but the man.

79
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,400
The real Howard.

80
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,440
Let me demonstrate my point.

81
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,440
Thank you.

82
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,960
Now, take this woman,
for example.

83
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,520
She hates me.

84
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,240
She doesn't even know me,

85
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,680
but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.

86
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,080
Down the aisle
on your right.

87
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,400
- Excuse me.
- Yes?

88
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:08,800
You don't possibly have
another seat available for me?

89
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,680
I'm sorry.
We're showing a full load.

90
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:13,280
Right here on your left.

91
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,640
Full load.

92
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,600
Yes.
Sir, may I help you?

93
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,080
To your right.

94
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,080
Hello.

95
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,120
Is this yours?

96
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,720
Yeah. If you want
to read it, you can.

97
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,280
Thank you.

98
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,360
Pfft, I've seen
this look before,

99
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,080
believe me.

100
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,680
It's the look
of misunderstanding.

101
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,920
She thinks I'm a moron.

102
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,880
In fact, all my life,
people have told me I was a moron.

103
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,400
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.

104
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,960
So this is my dad Ben Stern.

105
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,160
He was an engineer
at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.

106
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,000
Why do we live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?

107
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,120
Shut up.

108
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,120
We never played catch
or went to ball games.

109
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,960
The only sport
my father liked was yelling.

110
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:09,960
Nothing but crap.

111
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,320
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron.

112
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,520
# Shut up your mouth,
That is your daddy #

113
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,600
# Oh, no #

114
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,320
# My daddy
can't be ugly so #

115
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,480
# Shut your mouth,
go away #

116
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,920
# Ooh, Mama
look-a boo boo day #

117
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:27,920
Huh!

118
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:28,920
# Shut your mouth... #

119
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,520
My father
commuted every day,

120
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,600
I guess it was, about 40 miles
into Manhattan.

121
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,440
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning,
get home around midnight or something.

122
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,440
I mean, I never saw the guy.

123
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,480
Come on. Come on.

124
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,880
Once a year, my old man
would break down

125
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,160
and take me
to work with him.

126
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,480
A little quality time.

127
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,240
I liked that.
A little bonding.

128
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,280
Dad and son together.

129
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,800
I looked forward to that.

130
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,160
Take my hand,
Howard.

131
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,640
And remember, Howard,

132
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,680
I work here,
so keep your mouth shut.

133
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,200
# Never know
how much I love you... #

134
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,640
You spin and you spin
and you spin.

135
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:01,640
Records...
Who gives a damn?

136
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,640
Daddy.

137
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:03,920
I told you, shut up.

138
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,040
That man's
throwing records.

139
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,040
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it.

140
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,920
None of it.
What the fuck is it?

141
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,800
Just fucking records!
It's just this fucking place.

142
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,320
None of it means anything.
It's empty...

143
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,640
Sid, you're on
in 15 seconds.

144
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,040
Get a grip on yourself!

145
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,400
Ah, what the hell
do you know, you bastard?

146
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:20,720
You mieskait!

147
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,640
You're gonna play the music
for the people? It doesn't...

148
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,640
Symphony Sid!

149
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,000
By the powers vested in me

150
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,040
by the Federal
Communications Commission,

151
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,400
I command you

152
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,600
to get on the microphone
in a serious manner

153
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,680
and continue this broadcast.

154
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,440
Deep, Calm Voice: This is
Sunday Blues And Jazz,

155
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,040
and I'm your host
Symphony Sid.

156
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,280
And now... something
for a blue Sunday.

157
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,640
Howard: From that moment on,
I wanted to be on the radio.

158
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,080
Show business
was definitely for me.

159
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:08,360
And for my 12th birthday, my
mother bought me some puppets,

160
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,040
and pretty soon, I was spreading
joy throughout the community.

161
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,200
# Biddi-bim-bom,
ay-yi-yi #

162
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,320
# Biddi-biddi-biddi #

163
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,760
# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #

164
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,200
# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #

165
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,360
Howard, As The Woman:
Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.

166
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,960
More. More. Ohh!

167
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,040
Howard, As The Man:
You like that, huh?

168
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,360
Oh, yes, I love it, baby.
Give it to me.

169
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,120
Oh, baby, yes!
Right there. Ohh!

170
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,080
Oh, more! Harder!

171
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,160
You want it harder?

172
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,560
Oh, yes, harder.
Please give it to me, please.

173
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,400
Ohh! Aah! Aah!

174
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,920
But why can't I play
with my puppets?

175
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,360
Shut up! You know why.

176
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,200
Ah...

177
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,840
You know,
life is very strange.

178
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,680
Nat King Cole:
# Pretend you're happy... #

179
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,680
Just about the time
my puppet career ended,

180
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,720
my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.

181
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,120
My parents said we're moving
because of those niggers.

182
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,880
They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's
going to be nothing but niggers.

183
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,720
Really? My parents
said we're moving

184
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,920
because of
all the Shvartzes.

185
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,880
Shvartzes are niggers,
idiot.

186
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,920
They're the same thing.

187
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,560
I don't want to hear any more
of this, you hear me?

188
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,520
I'm half negro,
and Howard's half negro.

189
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,240
And anything bad
you say about negroes,

190
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,840
you're saying about us,
you understand?

191
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:24,080
# And nothing's bad
as it may seem... #

192
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,600
Mom, we're half negro?

193
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,480
I can't believe
the stories he makes up.

194
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,960
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.

195
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,840
And... And as far as my taking
his rectal temperature

196
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,680
every day till he was 14...

197
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,000
He shouldn't make
such a big deal.

198
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,760
He still grew up to be
a very well-adjusted individual.

199
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:47,800
Absolutely.

200
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,560
# Papa was
a rolling stone... #

201
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,120
Roosevelt High School...
beautiful.

202
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,800
A fully integrated
educational institution,

203
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,760
which of course meant
6,000 black guys and me.

204
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,280
And then I hit puberty.

205
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:01,560
That made things worse

206
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,560
because my penis
never got any bigger.

207
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,280
I mean, I was hung
like a 3-year-old.

208
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,320
Hey, seriously, these guys had
rhinoceros penises... huge.

209
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,040
You know, I've heard
black men complain

210
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,440
that they're
unfairly stereotyped.

211
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,960
Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.

212
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,000
Now, because I had
such a minuscule schlonger,

213
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,400
I turned to drugs.

214
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,880
Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.

215
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,320
Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?

216
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,120
There's no smoke
in here.

217
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,200
Howard, your father wants to
see you downstairs.

218
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,200
Howard.

219
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,440
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.

220
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,760
You should be making some kind
of plan for your future.

221
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:53,800
You need a plan.

222
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,400
I want to be on the radio.

223
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,440
He wants to be on radio.

224
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,680
But to be on the radio,
you have to have a voice.

225
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,440
You have to have
some verbal ability.

226
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,520
You hardly ever say a word.

227
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,480
This all from a guy who's only told me
to shut up about 50,000 times.

228
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,960
I talk.

229
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,880
You really want to be
on the radio?

230
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,960
OK. If you want
a shot at radio,

231
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,520
the counseling center says
there's a communications program

232
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,800
at Boston University.

233
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,240
OK, I know
what you're saying.

234
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,040
You're saying I look
a little old to be in college.

235
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,120
Well, for this movie,
you gotta suspend disbelief.

236
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,040
Hey, Lisa.

237
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,520
Lisa.
Hi, how you doing?

238
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:47,760
Hi.

239
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,480
I was wondering if you'd
like to go out Friday night.

240
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:51,680
With you?

241
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,400
No, thanks.

242
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,400
Hi. I was just
wondering if you...

243
00:11:58,480 --> 00:11:59,920
Uh, no.

244
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,400
- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

245
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,440
Excuse me.

246
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,440
Would you like to
go out Friday night?

247
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,920
Friday?

248
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,280
No. I have a lot of reading
to catch up on,

249
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,800
but thank you.

250
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,320
So I masturbated a lot...
2- time-a-day habit.

251
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,400
I'm not proud of it,
but I did it.

252
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,280
Senior year...
Big year for me.

253
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,360
I finally
got up the courage

254
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,040
to go down
to the college radio station

255
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,320
and get myself on the air.

256
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,320
And my name
is Howard Stern

257
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,400
on the Howard Stern
Experience,

258
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,960
and if you love music,
you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.

259
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,880
Ohh!

260
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,480
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

261
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,800
Ooh!

262
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,800
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

263
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,560
How do I forget it?

264
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,040
It's the single worst moment
in radio history.

265
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,360
It's not radio.

266
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,400
It's college radio.

267
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,680
There's
nobody listening.

268
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,200
Nobody. Maybe, like,
3 guys in a dorm somewhere.

269
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:18,920
Oh, shit.

270
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,040
Oh, fuck.

271
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,000
I know someone on this block.
Let me think.

272
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,920
Come on.
We're getting wet.

273
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:25,920
Down here. Down here.
Down here.

274
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:27,640
Hi, Elyse.

275
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,000
Hey.

276
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,320
So, we were on our way to a rally
in support of feminism,

277
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,920
and we got caught
in the rain.

278
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,240
I'm wondering if we can come in
and just hang out for awhile.

279
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,120
Sure,
come on in.

280
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,280
Howard: Can I use
your hair dryer?

281
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,960
Yeah, there's one at the end
of the hall. Hey, Rach.

282
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,200
Hi, Ellen.
This is Howard.

283
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,760
Oh, hi.
My hair's wet.

284
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,800
Put that there.

285
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,560
I'm just going to go
dry my hair.

286
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,600
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.

287
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:51,800
You heard that?

288
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,240
Yeah. What happened?

289
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,320
I didn't think anybody
even listened to that.

290
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,960
Alison, this is Howard.
Howard, this is Alison.

291
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:57,960
Alison's
one of my roommates.

292
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:58,960
Hey.

293
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,080
Howard.

294
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,720
Hair dryer's
in the bathroom.

295
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,000
Hi. Hi.

296
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,360
Hi, I'm Howard.

297
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:21,640
Look at you, man.

298
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,440
You can get her.
You can get her.

299
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,880
She looks hot.

300
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,360
How are you?

301
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,240
I'm making a film
for my film class,

302
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,720
and, I mean,
it's a legitimate film.

303
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,720
You won't... You're not gonna
be naked or anything.

304
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:34,960
You'll have your clothes on,
you know.

305
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,280
What's it about?

306
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,040
Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.

307
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:42,400
In my, um, psychology class,
we're studying B.F. Skinner,

308
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:46,920
and I started to realize that
what Skinner says is true...

309
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,080
We're all rats
trapped in a box,

310
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,640
all searching
for a piece of cheese.

311
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,440
Mm-hmm.

312
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:53,960
And I'm going to shoot it
on Saturday.

313
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,000
I mean, I can't do it
Saturday.

314
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,240
I work with an outpatient program
for schizophrenics.

315
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,800
One of them actually
killed himself,

316
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,200
so I'm taking
the whole group to...

317
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,400
to the funeral
on Saturday, but...

318
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,880
Sorry.

319
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,600
You are really perfect.

320
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,280
I... All right.
What if I reschedule?

321
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,480
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I don't believe it.

322
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,360
Howard: Look, I refused
to leave the room

323
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,800
until she agreed
to be in my film.

324
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,200
I feel stupid.

325
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,600
Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.

326
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,800
I'm telling you, I am looking
for the face of an angel.

327
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:27,840
You have
the face of an angel.

328
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,080
Howard's Voice: Save me.

329
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,440
Save me.

330
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:42,440
He comes to me.

331
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,360
Ahh...

332
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,440
Save me.

333
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,600
We give the award
for best student film

334
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,840
to... Mr. Howard Stern.

335
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,320
I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter

336
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,160
than to be with
an award-winning filmmaker.

337
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,240
This I know.

338
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,080
And at this point,
I knew I was gonna score.

339
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,520
I mean,
it was fait accompli.

340
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,440
I was in. This was it.

341
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,480
I'm a stud.
She was liquefied.

342
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,360
We did not have sex
on our first date,

343
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,760
although
he was very sexual.

344
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,080
Our sex life
has always been good.

345
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,400
I mean, Howard complains
that his penis is too small,

346
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,960
but his penis size is fine.

347
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,960
Howard exaggerates.

348
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,280
- OK.
- Now hold this and say...

349
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,760
Hi.
Hi, I'm Camille,

350
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,440
and, uh, I'm in Westchester,
New York, and...

351
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,160
This is Howard's
first job interview.

352
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,600
And this is Howard's
first job interview.

353
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,160
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.

354
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,160
All right...

355
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,160
- One more thing.
- Yes?

356
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,160
Can you
take your top off?

357
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,560
- No.
- No, I'm serious.

358
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,320
I'm serious. That's what
they want you to do.

359
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,120
- No, they do not.
- Yeah, they do.

360
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,160
- No way.
- No, they do.

361
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,400
Howard did not
tell me...

362
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,760
I'm Moti,
station manager.

363
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,160
- Howard Stern.
- You want to be a disc jockey?

364
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,080
Very much so.
I've wanted to be a disc jockey

365
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,080
since I was
7 years old.

366
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,880
What are you,
an idiot?

367
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,200
No, sir,
I'm not an idiot.

368
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,320
I... In fact, I have a communications
degree from Boston University,

369
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,120
and I would work very hard
for this company

370
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,120
if given
the opportunity to...

371
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,120
You wanted
to see me?

372
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,840
You came late yesterday.

373
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,160
You came late today.
I don't need you. You're fired.

374
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,000
Fuck you.

375
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,160
Good. Fuck you.

376
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,520
You punk!
Fuck you 1,000%% %!

377
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,840
Fuck you
till your asshole

378
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,560
is perfect
donkey asshole!

379
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,360
OK,
you start tomorrow.

380
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,280
10 a.m. To 2 p.m., eh?

381
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:48,480
Yes.

382
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,520
Pay $96 a week and don't
bring me your problems.

383
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,520
OK.

384
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:52,800
I'm not psychiatrist.

385
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,880
Thank you very much.

386
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,440
I promise you
I will not disappoint you.

387
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,120
Thank you.

388
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,640
And I start
tomorrow?

389
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,400
Wimpy Voice: Westchester 107,
WRNW 107.

390
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,320
Hi, this is Howard Stern,
and it's 75 degrees presently,

391
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,200
winds out of the northwest.

392
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,960
Chance of precipitation,
85%% % for tonight.

393
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,480
Looks like rain.

394
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:20,160
Tomorrow, partly sunny
at WRNW, Westchester 107.

395
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,920
I was sort of living
with Alison

396
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,520
while she worked on her Master's
of social work, which was really great.

397
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,520
I was also still living
with my parents...

398
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:32,520
Howard's Mother:
Howard?

399
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,520
Which wasn't so great.

400
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,920
Yeah. Yeah, ma?

401
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,400
I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?

402
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,360
No, Ma.
There's no smoke in here.

403
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,200
Wimpy Voice:
107 FM, WRNW.

404
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,480
I'm Howard Stern
with you each and every day,

405
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,800
and I've got a great
two for Tuesday.

406
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,760
107 FM... The Ramones...
Gabba gabba wee,

407
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:52,800
Gabba gabba hey,

408
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,320
Gabba gabba gabba gabba...

409
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,680
Howard, you stink.

410
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,720
I don't mince words.
You will never be a great disc jockey.

411
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,840
You have lousy voice, lousy personality,
and this will not change.

412
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,640
OK? So on the air
is not for you.

413
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,840
But you come on time,
and you are good worker, huh?

414
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,440
So...

415
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,360
how about I make you...

416
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,560
program director?

417
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,360
Program director?

418
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,720
Program... director.

419
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,880
You. You.

420
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,320
You run station.

421
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,800
You... sit.

422
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,760
You pick music.

423
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,800
No more $96 a week.

424
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,640
Eh. I pay you...

425
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,200
you, eh?

426
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,400
$250 a week.

427
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,280
You be management...
like me.

428
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,320
To be quite honest, I didn't really
want to be a programmer.

429
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,880
But at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison,

430
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,520
and we'd get
a real place together.

431
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,640
Oh, look at her.
I mean, this was a miracle.

432
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,840
Here's this beautiful girl,

433
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,120
I mean, a gorgeous woman,

434
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,600
willing to spend
the rest of her life with me.

435
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,320
I just couldn't
have been happier.

436
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:17,080
I was the happiest
program director in the world.

437
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,000
Yeah, me.
Program director.

438
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,880
Overnight,
I become the big boss.

439
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,240
Howard Stern,
executive manager.

440
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,400
I had no idea
what I was doing,

441
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,840
no clue what to do
with this job whatsoever,

442
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,360
but I did it, and everyone
bought into it.

443
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,040
They thought I knew what I was doing.
This was great.

444
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,040
Howard.

445
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,080
Oh, hey, Moti.

446
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,600
Advertising is up.
Profit is up.

447
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:38,880
Oh, great.

448
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,600
As a disc jockey, you're...
you're shit... ha ha ha ha...

449
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,160
But you are a great programmer.
Here, payday.

450
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,160
Thanks, Moti.

451
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,080
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.

452
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,080
But why?

453
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,680
None of your business.

454
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:52,920
The guy's got 3 kids.

455
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,520
You want to be management,
you fire him, huh?

456
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,640
It's good to fire someone. It gives
a good message to the others.

457
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,160
Just fire him, huh?

458
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,800
I don't want to fire him.
You fire him.

459
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:02,840
Howard...

460
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,920
disc jockeys are dogs.

461
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,240
Your job is to make them
fetch, eh?

462
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,080
Now, if you want
to truly be management,

463
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,840
you be a man
and fire him.

464
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,520
Do it. Be a man.

465
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,000
Moti: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.

466
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,760
How? Howard?

467
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:37,760
Don't look.

468
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,000
You OK?

469
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,960
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me...

470
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,640
if I gave up
my programming job,

471
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,000
and I stayed on the air,
and I made a lot less money?

472
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,200
Yes. I mean, you know,
I'd have to leave you,

473
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,920
but I'd still love you.

474
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,560
Be serious.

475
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,360
If I make less money, we wouldn't
even be able to afford this apartment.

476
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,960
Well, we can't really
afford the apartment now,

477
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,840
so it doesn't quite matter,
really.

478
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:05,440
I guess.

479
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,600
Do what you need to do.

480
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,120
Come on back here,
hold this sign...

481
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,200
right in front of you.
Come on back.

482
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,640
I want you to say
"Howard goes to Hartford

483
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,600
and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."

484
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,360
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.

485
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,800
"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes
the wacky morning man at WCCC."

486
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,320
Howard goes to Hartford
at W...

487
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,520
All right, all right,
that's not going to work.

488
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,520
Howard comes to Hartford
to become the wacky morning man

489
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,920
at WCCC.

490
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,840
Gary: Let's see
some muscles.

491
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,960
Gary: How about
some back muscles?

492
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,480
Was my voice too deep
doing that?

493
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,480
No. It's very feminine.

494
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:59,320
WCCC, FM 107 and AM 1290.

495
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,520
My name is Fred Norris,
and, uh...

496
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760
stick around for
the new guy Howard Stern

497
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,760
And the Howard Stern
program.

498
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:08,720
Hi.

499
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,600
Oh. Oh, my God.

500
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,880
Oh, it's so...

501
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,080
Hi,
I'm Howard Stern.

502
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,840
How you doing?
You're Fred.

503
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,880
I can't believe
how late I am.

504
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,240
Who would've thought?

505
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,840
I'm on the Berlin turnpike,
and I take a left-hand turn,

506
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,120
and I've rehearsed this 500 times,
getting here, and I somehow got lost.

507
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,160
Ohh.

508
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,920
I'm sweating.

509
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,480
I'm so hot.

510
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:33,880
I'm so tahitzed.

511
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
I'm hot.

512
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,920
I was planning
on being on time.

513
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,280
Whoo, man.

514
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,080
Whoo-oo-oo...

515
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,640
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC.
Good morning.

516
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,320
My name is Howard Stern.
I'm the new morning man on CCC.

517
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,000
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...

518
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,760
Mr. Ringo Starr,
and he's here in the studio.

519
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:02,800
Hi, Ringo.

520
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,360
How you doin', me love?

521
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,320
I wish you'd play us a little
Wipeout this morning,

522
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:07,520
Wake everybody up.

523
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,520
Oh, yeah,
that was great, Ringo.

524
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,800
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.

525
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,280
This is Cheap Trick.

526
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,480
Ohh. Thank you.

527
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,720
Whoa.

528
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,040
Howard: Hartford ended up
being OK, you know.

529
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,640
I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.

530
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,200
I mean, I think
he really liked me.

531
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,960
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?

532
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,760
And Alison, well,
she got a job right away.

533
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,760
Now, if you wanted
to buy liver for dinner,

534
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,280
what would you do?

535
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,440
Go to the...
supermarket?

536
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,040
That's right.
And then what?

537
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:45,840
This afternoon...
Gray skies,

538
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,840
occasional showers,
and precipitation.

539
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,920
Highs near 75.

540
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,200
It's going to be
raining like cats...

541
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:56,960
And chickens,
I don't think so.

542
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,440
And dogs.

543
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,120
WCCC also wants
to remind you

544
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,960
that our new sponsor
Stanley Sport,

545
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,080
um, is a great place
to go.

546
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,120
You know, I got to tell you something.
When I was a child,

547
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,280
I used to go to Stanley Sport
all the time.

548
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:11,840
I loved Stanley Sport.

549
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,480
My parents would take me through there,
and we just had a great time.

550
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,120
And we could walk out
with tons of stuff

551
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,400
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.

552
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,080
Oh.

553
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,760
And, uh, "There's only
one Stanley Sports,

554
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,160
"and the grand opening
is this weekend.

555
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,320
Mark it on your calendar."

556
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,440
The grand opening
is this...

557
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,480
I just realized, uh... that makes
no sense what I just said.

558
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,880
I just told you I went there as a kid,
and now the grand opening...

559
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,480
Well, I just...
I think I was just caught in a lie.

560
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,920
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?

561
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,600
I'm a disc jockey
who makes $250 a week,

562
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,840
and I just want to do
the right thing here on the air.

563
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,880
I don't want to get fired,
so, uh, I guess I lied to you,

564
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,080
but, uh, I'll never let that
happen again. You know what I mean?

565
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,760
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.

566
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,920
Seriously, I heard
the show today.

567
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,640
I think you're
really getting good.

568
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,200
What part did you
like in particular?

569
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,040
Was it the Chinese guy calling in
for the Doobie Brothers tickets?

570
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,720
You know when you did that ad,
when you were just being yourself?

571
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,120
That's what
you liked?

572
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,840
Yeah.

573
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,320
Really?

574
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,200
It was funny.

575
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:18,920
# Gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs... #

576
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,240
Howard: Little by little,

577
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,520
our ratings
actually improved,

578
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,560
and before long,
I got to interview

579
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,040
my first real
semifamous celebrity,

580
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,360
"B" movie star
Brittany Fairchild.

581
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:28,720
While I'm
interviewing her,

582
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,040
she actually invites me

583
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,080
to go to a premiere
for her movie.

584
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,640
I remember
how embarrassing it was

585
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,400
because nobody
knew who I was.

586
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:36,640
I'm escorting
this woman around,

587
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,480
and none of these people
know who I am.

588
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,160
They just think she has
some ugly boyfriend, you know?

589
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,560
But who cared?
I mean, it was exciting.

590
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,040
Woman In Movie: Hello?

591
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,720
I'm here for the shoot.

592
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:14,760
Is anybody there?

593
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:22,040
Hello?

594
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,880
Howard: Ohh.

595
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,000
My back hurts.

596
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,360
Would you mind taking me
back to my hotel room?

597
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,240
I know this director,

598
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,000
and he told me that
when he was little,

599
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,040
his mother
killed his sister,

600
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,840
but was never charged.

601
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:42,840
Wow.

602
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,960
Come in.

603
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,520
Come in.

604
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,720
- It's nice.
- Sit down.

605
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,520
I'll be right back.

606
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:00,680
OK.

607
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:08,720
Hey, man.

608
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,000
Free drinks.

609
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,400
Ahem.

610
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,560
What the hell
is she doing?

611
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,720
I think she's
running a bath.

612
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,240
Oh, my God, man,
she's taking her clothes off.

613
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,520
I guess she forgot
to close the door.

614
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:39,960
Well, she's
a Hollywood actress.

615
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,400
They have a lot
on their mind.

616
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:45,200
Oh, my God.

617
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,040
Oh, is she cute.

618
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,280
Brittany: Howard?

619
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:53,360
Yes?

620
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,320
Could you come here
for a second?

621
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:11,480
Oh. Hi.

622
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,160
My shoulders tense up
when I travel.

623
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,000
Would you mind
rubbing them for a minute?

624
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:17,880
Works best when
I'm in a hot bath.

625
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:19,760
It helps
relax the muscles.

626
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:23,200
I don't know
if that's OK or not.

627
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,520
Please.
It really hurts.

628
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,880
Look, I don't know
that I can do this.

629
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,560
I'll tell you what,
I'll just kneel over here,

630
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,520
and I'll rub your shoulders
from back here.

631
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:37,160
No. Sit behind me
in the tub.

632
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:38,520
Oh, I can't do that.

633
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:40,360
Why not?

634
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,240
Well, for one thing,
my clothes are gonna get all wet.

635
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:47,000
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.

636
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,000
I got to tell you something.
You are gorgeous,

637
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:51,600
And... And you're a great actress
and everything,

638
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:54,160
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.

639
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,400
Then leave
your underwear on.

640
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:58,440
What?

641
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,800
If you leave your underwear on,
then you can't cheat.

642
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,520
It's just like
going swimming.

643
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,040
Howard: I don't know
what it was,

644
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,680
but she started
making a lot of sense.

645
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,000
I really
need your help.

646
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,840
My back
really hurts.

647
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,960
Fred: She's right.

648
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,680
Could you start
with my shoulders?

649
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:23,680
Ahh...

650
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:25,040
yeah.

651
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:27,480
Mmm.

652
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,440
Can you come around
my sides?

653
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,840
I think I pulled a muscle
in my rib cage.

654
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,440
Mmm.

655
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,840
Howard...

656
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,320
I know how to give
a man pleasure.

657
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:50,960
Mmm.

658
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:53,880
Ooh. Oh.

659
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,680
Pleasure.

660
00:30:57,840 --> 00:30:59,840
Oh. Oh, wow.

661
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:02,240
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

662
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:03,800
Stop that. Stop.

663
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,360
Oh, whoa.

664
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:06,400
Oh, man.

665
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,560
Wow. Thank you.
Oh, my.

666
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,480
Thanks. Thanks...
Thanks for everything.

667
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:11,800
Listen, the premiere
and everything.

668
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:13,040
Oh, my God.

669
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,120
I just...
I just got to go.

670
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,360
You know, it was a great
interview on the radio.

671
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,120
Thanks... Thanks...
Thank you.

672
00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:20,400
I really got to go.

673
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:21,880
Good-bye!

674
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:24,040
# I'll take you there #

675
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,080
# Oh, oh #

676
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,280
# Oh! #

677
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,360
# I'll take you there #

678
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:32,480
# Oh! Oh! Oh! #

679
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:34,160
# I'll take you there #

680
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:36,760
# Mercy now #

681
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:37,960
# I'll take you there #

682
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:39,400
# I'm callin',
callin' #

683
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,720
# Callin'
for mercy #

684
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:43,840
# I'll take you there #

685
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,720
# Mercy, mercy #

686
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,000
Hi.

687
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,520
Hey. How was it?

688
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,080
So bad. So horrible.

689
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:53,840
I just had
the worst night of my life.

690
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,440
I mean, I can't even begin
to tell you how miserable I am.

691
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,160
It is so late.
I got to get to bed.

692
00:31:58,200 --> 00:31:59,720
I mean, no one
realizes I got to be up

693
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,280
at 4:00 in the morning
in that radio station.

694
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:02,680
I can't believe
how late it is.

695
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:04,160
- Go up and get in...
- OK.

696
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,360
I... I just...

697
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,000
I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.

698
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,320
Horrible.

699
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,160
God, let me
get away with this,

700
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,440
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.

701
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,080
Howard On Radio: I just want
to thank someone this morning.

702
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:21,560
I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild

703
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:22,920
For having myself
and Fred

704
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:24,960
out to, uh, her new movie.
It was really good.

705
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:26,960
Fred, what'd you think
of the movie?

706
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,520
Fred: I was very moved.

707
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,400
I think a lot of us
were moved last night.

708
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,320
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107...

709
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,200
It's the fifth-largest market
in the United States,

710
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:01,760
and they want me
to start tomorrow,

711
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,320
which is a good sign,
I think.

712
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:04,800
That means they're,
you know,

713
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,280
they're really desperate
for me, which I like.

714
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:11,080
And they say they're gonna move the
building to the best part of the city,

715
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:14,040
which I think is good, too...
You know, pump money into the facility.

716
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:15,800
And the station manager
says we are gonna be

717
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,120
the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.

718
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:20,880
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...

719
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,080
Are these yours?

720
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,200
They're wet.

721
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,360
Howard: Alison's not
coming to Detroit.

722
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,640
I should have
just come home

723
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,680
and told my wife everything,
admitted the truth,

724
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,760
'cause now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,

725
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:50,800
and I don't blame her because
I don't trust me, either.

726
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,440
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!

727
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,120
What am I gonna do?

728
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,120
I don't know.

729
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,000
I can always
count on you for help, man.

730
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:03,480
Thanks.
I appreciate it.

731
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,520
Listen, man, as soon as I get
to Detroit and things start happenin',

732
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,080
I'm gonna get these guys
to hire you, all right?

733
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:16,400
OK.

734
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,360
Fred, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna forget ya.

735
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:20,640
Bye.

736
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,400
# Cat scratch fever... #

737
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:38,960
Howard.
How you doing, man?

738
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,240
How you doing, Marvin?

739
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,040
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

740
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,600
Hey, Patricia Fonfara,
meet Howard Stern. Your newslady.

741
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:46,800
Hi. I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

742
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,360
The Duke of rock's
just finishing up,

743
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,400
and then we're gonna
get right inside, so...

744
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,400
Hey, Marvin, what happened
to the new building?

745
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:53,920
I told you, we're gonna
build a new building.

746
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,360
First we got to build
an audience. Heh.

747
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,880
Hey, the Duke of rock's
gettin' ready to walk,

748
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,600
but I want you
to stick around,

749
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,080
because we got
a brand-new morning man...

750
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,560
looks like Big Bird
to me...

751
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,120
coming next

752
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,720
on W4106 FM.

753
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:16,480
What's happening, man?

754
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,000
Come on in, Big Bird.

755
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,080
How you doing, man?
Good to see ya.

756
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,040
How's things? What's that?
You're gonna do what?

757
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,040
Is that ri... Well, now,
how about that, kiddies?

758
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,920
He's gonna have Kermit the Frog
come in here and sing the Alphabet Song,

759
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:28,920
isn't that somethin'?

760
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:30,640
Coming up next
on the Big Bird show.

761
00:35:30,720 --> 00:35:32,360
I got to go. See you
at midnight tonight.

762
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:33,680
This is the Duke of rock
saying,

763
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,440
If you can't be good,
be bad, baby.

764
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:36,640
Bye.

765
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,040
Hi. How you doing?

766
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,040
Howard Stern.
Nice to see you.

767
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,080
Listened to your show
last night. It was great.

768
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:45,640
Lookin' forward
to working with you.

769
00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,840
Don't hurt yourself,
man.

770
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,720
OK, thanks.
Thank you.

771
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:52,320
Thank you.

772
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:53,480
What am I
thanking him for?

773
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:54,720
Howard: So let's review.

774
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:56,400
My life sucked,

775
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:57,840
Alison dumped me,

776
00:35:57,920 --> 00:35:59,640
I didn't know if she'd
ever come back to me,

777
00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:01,640
and now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.

778
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:04,200
106 FM, WWWW.

779
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,320
I don't know.
Something in me just snapped.

780
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:07,840
My name
is Howard Stern,

781
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,880
and welcome to
the new morning show.

782
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,400
And we have
a new feature for you.

783
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,360
This is, uh,
something special.

784
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,920
We have a traffic copter now
here at WWWW.

785
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,160
Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day
in the traffic copter.

786
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:21,680
Mama, you there?

787
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:22,960
Hello? Mama? Uh.

788
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:25,800
Hello?

789
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:28,240
Yes, hello.
This is Mama Look-a boo boo day,

790
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,280
the only black traffic reporter
in the Detroit area,

791
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:33,880
I'm proud to say.

792
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,080
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance this morning, Mama.

793
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,040
Tell me, uh, what's going on
in the traffic?

794
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,720
First, a political
statement, if I may.

795
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,080
Kill, Kill, Kill...

796
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,360
The White Man,

797
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,480
by Eugene
Mama Look-a boo boo day.

798
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:53,960
Eugene is my pen name 'cause
I wrote this while I was in the pen.

799
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,960
OK, here we go.

800
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:04,200
Kill, kill,
kill the white man.

801
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,520
Kill him
until he is dead.

802
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:14,920
Kill the white man.

803
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,480
Thank you.

804
00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:28,960
Yeah, hi. Can I speak
to Alison Stern, please?

805
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,480
Her husband Howard.

806
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:33,040
It's Howard.

807
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,080
Hello?

808
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:42,680
# There must be some
kind of way out of here #

809
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,240
# Said the joker
to the thief #

810
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,880
# There's
too much confusion #

811
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:55,240
# I can't get no relief #

812
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,360
# Businessmen, they'll #

813
00:37:57,440 --> 00:37:59,160
# They'll drink my wine #

814
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:01,960
# Plowmen dig my earth... #

815
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,720
You talk too much.

816
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:07,400
And very important,

817
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,560
I want the time
and the temperature

818
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,840
4 times every 15 minutes,
not 3. 4.

819
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,680
My grandmother
died last night.

820
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,680
I spent all night with her
in the hospital.

821
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,760
She... She
had a car accident.

822
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:25,720
By the way, uh...

823
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,440
It's 6:45. Temperature
is, uh, 58 degrees.

824
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:29,920
# No reason
to get excited #

825
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,960
Anyway, her head
went through the windshield.

826
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,520
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...

827
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:35,880
# The thief,
he kindly spoke #

828
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,120
# There are many here
among us #

829
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:41,560
I want you back
so bad...

830
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:45,560
# Who feel that life
is but a joke #

831
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:49,840
# But you and I,
we've been through that #

832
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,400
# And this not our fate... #

833
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:52,920
Howard: I had, like,
no listeners,

834
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,680
and the couple of listeners
I did have

835
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,560
Would call in and tell me
how bad I sucked

836
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,120
on a regular basis.

837
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,840
Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.

838
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:02,480
Irene...
the weather girl.

839
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:03,840
Irene,
are you there?

840
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,120
It's cold, real cold,

841
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,320
but your ass
is gonna be plenty hot

842
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,520
when I give you a good,
hard butt-whipping.

843
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:11,800
Tongue.

844
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,600
What do you think
about that?

845
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,600
Turns you on, doesn't it,
you little maggot?

846
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:16,680
Yeah.

847
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:18,480
Irene, thank you
for the weather forecast.

848
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:19,480
Shut up.

849
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,040
We hope to hear
from you tomorrow...

850
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:22,280
Give us some
more weather.

851
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,560
Bite me, you loser.

852
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,720
You shaved
your mustache.

853
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:38,320
Jeez. Alison.

854
00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:41,880
It's great to see you.

855
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:43,560
Al, I miss you so much.

856
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,440
I'm feelin' so miserable
since you left.

857
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,560
I am just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit. I'm...

858
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:48,920
Howard...

859
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,200
I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl.

860
00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:54,480
OK? And I understand
you're a somewhat abnormal person

861
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,800
with a somewhat abnormal job.
That I can accept.

862
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:58,720
I deal with abnormality
every single day.

863
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,680
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.

864
00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,920
And on the air,
you do what you do. That's your job.

865
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,680
But off the air,
for me to be in this marriage...

866
00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,360
I need to know
I'm the only one.

867
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:11,440
And I'm not saying that
to pressure you.

868
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:15,080
I'm saying it because it's
just something I know about myself.

869
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:17,440
So... if you need more time
or whatever...

870
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:19,960
I don't need
any more time.

871
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:22,720
I am just so madly
in love with you.

872
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:25,520
I don't... I don't need
anyone else in my life.

873
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,440
I never wanted
anyone else in my life.

874
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:29,080
All I want is you.

875
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:32,080
I just want you
to forgive me.

876
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,320
Thanks for coming back.

877
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:39,640
Wow.

878
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,760
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.

879
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:47,240
Howard:
Isn't Alison amazing?

880
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,840
She's in town,
like, 2 minutes,

881
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:52,840
and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.

882
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:55,400
Excuse me.
Mentally challenged.

883
00:40:55,435 --> 00:40:57,800
Nice day, huh?

884
00:40:57,840 --> 00:40:59,720
What can I do
to help here?

885
00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,800
Well, I'm gonna
set up lunch...

886
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:02,840
OK.

887
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:05,560
And you can play frisbee
with the guys.

888
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,400
Start again.
Here we go.

889
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,680
Oh. I'm so sorry.

890
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,720
Listen, what you
got to do is,

891
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:14,360
you got to put
this hand up, OK?

892
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,320
And you got to try
and catch it, OK?

893
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:18,280
All right,
here we go.

894
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:19,920
Ready? Here we go.

895
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:23,560
I'm so sorry.

896
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:26,800
You know what
we're gonna do?

897
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,280
Just tell me that you're ready.
Are you ready?

898
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:30,760
Y-Yes.

899
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,120
Howard! Howard!

900
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:35,120
Marvin.

901
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:37,040
I was hoping
I'd find you here.

902
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,920
I have some
very exciting news!

903
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,600
Oh. Are you
all right?

904
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:41,720
Yeah. Yeah.

905
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,000
That was good.

906
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,880
You just got to wait
till somebody looks, OK?

907
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:50,120
Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,

908
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,720
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,

909
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:54,760
and it'll give us
a real great edge.

910
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:00,400
# Ooh ooh #

911
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,200
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #

912
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,240
# Ooh doo #

913
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,160
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #

914
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:09,600
# Doo doo ooh #

915
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:10,640
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee... #

916
00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:12,120
Howdy, cowpokes.

917
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,240
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,

918
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:15,680
but I got to
tell you something.

919
00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:17,680
I know a lot of you out there
really love this music,

920
00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:19,160
but I just don't get it.

921
00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:20,400
Explain it to me.

922
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,400
And maybe it's 'cause
I went to college,

923
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:24,400
and I never drove a truck

924
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:27,360
and had sex with
my daddy's sister, but...

925
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:29,520
I guess what I'm
trying to say is, I...

926
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,160
I don't think
I'm the man for this job.

927
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,960
So this is your old pal
Hopalong Howie saying I quit.

928
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:36,360
I... I think I quit.

929
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,720
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #

930
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,400
# Ooh doo #

931
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,440
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #

932
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:45,680
# Doo doo ooh #

933
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,120
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #

934
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:49,480
# Oh #

935
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,520
# Dee dee dee #

936
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,120
What?

937
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,280
Nothing.

938
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:08,800
What is it?

939
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,600
I feel like
such a loser.

940
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:13,400
It's not your fault.
It was a lame station.

941
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:14,840
Yeah, it was my fault.

942
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,080
You can't blame a radio station.
It's my screwup.

943
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:18,440
In what way?

944
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,440
In a way that I gotta
figure out what I'm gonna be.

945
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:22,480
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys

946
00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:25,720
that runs around the country, you know,
looking for work all the time.

947
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:28,160
I don't want to end up like that.
It's so sad.

948
00:43:28,240 --> 00:43:30,520
It's so apparent to me now
what I should be doing.

949
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,320
I should be talking
about my personal life.

950
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,360
I've got to get intimate.

951
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,640
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,

952
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:38,760
maybe I should just say it,
just blurt it out, you know?

953
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,560
I just got to
let things fly.

954
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:43,600
I got to go all the way.

955
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:46,080
You didn't go
all the way before?

956
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:47,400
No. I mean...

957
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,840
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.

958
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,720
Then I guess you should
go all the way.

959
00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,280
Hold the sign
nice and low.

960
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,960
With a big smile...
Very sexy...

961
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:02,360
This is about Howard
coming to Washington.

962
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:03,600
What's going on here?

963
00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:04,920
Um, we're
shooting a movie.

964
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:06,200
Hey,
you got a permit?

965
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:07,520
Uh, no, we don't
have a permit,

966
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:09,120
but this is,
like, one line,

967
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:10,960
and we'll be done with them in a second
and we'll be out of your way.

968
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,440
You can't be there, then.
You're blocking the median.

969
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:13,840
Come on, you're
gonna have to move.

970
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:15,600
Um, this if for
the Howard Stern movie.

971
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,360
Wait a minute.
You said Howard Stern?

972
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:18,600
Yeah.
This is his movie.

973
00:44:18,720 --> 00:44:19,760
Is Howard here?

974
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,400
No, he's not here today,
not in this scene,

975
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:22,560
but this is his movie.

976
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:24,200
Come on.
You got to move.

977
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:25,960
Tsk. Give us a break.
It'll take a second.

978
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:27,280
Just look right
at the camera,

979
00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:28,600
and say, "Howard
comes to Washington."

980
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:29,920
Howard comes
to Washington.

981
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,160
Hey, let's go!
Come on!

982
00:44:31,240 --> 00:44:33,200
Howard's, like,
a big fan of the cops.

983
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:34,480
He loves you guys.

984
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:35,960
We could have
been done by now.

985
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:37,240
Guess what.
You are done.

986
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:40,640
Howard: I was hired by
an FM rock station, DC 101,

987
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:43,200
and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.

988
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:44,720
Howard?

989
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:47,360
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.

990
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:50,240
Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

991
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:51,320
It's great to meet you.

992
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:52,320
Same here.

993
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,000
Yeah, this is
gonna be great.

994
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:57,320
OK, I'm just gonna go over here
and work on my script.

995
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,400
We're almost set.

996
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:00,640
Ooh.

997
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:06,120
Ahem.

998
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:09,240
DC 101. Good morning.
This is Howard Stern.

999
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:10,880
Welcome to the show.

1000
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:13,160
I have a confession
to make.

1001
00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:15,560
I did not get, uh,
laid last night.

1002
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:18,920
In fact, I haven't gotten laid
in a really long time.

1003
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,240
Now, give me a call
here at DC 101

1004
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:23,200
if you have
the same kind of problem.

1005
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:24,200
Having trouble
with your woman?

1006
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:25,920
Give me a call.
I'll help you out.

1007
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,880
Let me introduce,
over here to my right,

1008
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:31,640
my beautiful new newswoman
Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful,

1009
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:34,760
I'm sure she doesn't have
any of these sexual problems.

1010
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,720
But I must tell you,
my life is, um, very odd.

1011
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:40,720
I get hornier
and hornier.

1012
00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:43,680
My wife, she comes home from work,
she goes to sleep.

1013
00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:45,680
The whole week goes by,
she never gets horny.

1014
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:48,040
Robin, as a woman,
what is it?

1015
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,120
Do women get horny?

1016
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:58,080
Sometimes.

1017
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:00,240
Why is he talking
to his newsperson?

1018
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,720
I'll have him stop.

1019
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:03,320
What about you
specifically, though?

1020
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:07,000
When is the last time
that you were with a man...

1021
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:08,160
sexually?

1022
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:11,600
About a year.

1023
00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:13,360
You're serious?

1024
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:14,640
- A year?
- Yeah.

1025
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:16,000
A year,
ladies and gentlemen.

1026
00:46:16,080 --> 00:46:17,320
Someone more pathetic
than me.

1027
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,080
This is good. This is good.
We're getting somewhere.

1028
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:20,240
This is a good
discussion.

1029
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:22,840
Uh, you know,
I bought a book,

1030
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,400
"How to Score with Babes,"

1031
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:25,880
and listen
to what it says.

1032
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:27,160
I think
it's rather revealing.

1033
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,520
"When attempting
to score with a babe,

1034
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:31,520
"make sure to wear
tight pants.

1035
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:34,680
"If necessary, stuff
a semirigid, large object

1036
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:35,960
"into your pants

1037
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,440
to create the appearance
of having a large penis."

1038
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:40,360
Women like large penis.

1039
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:42,680
Did he say "penis"?

1040
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:44,240
I know about this stuff.

1041
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,600
I have no bulge in my crotch.
I have a small penis.

1042
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,560
And I've never told
anyone this before...

1043
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,280
And I don't think
you should start now.

1044
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,680
Well, I've done it.
Now the cat's out of the bag.

1045
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:54,320
But this guy
wrote a good book.

1046
00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:56,560
The author has slept
with over 16,000 women,

1047
00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:58,120
and, uh,
take it from him.

1048
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,680
He says
wear tight pants.

1049
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:03,320
If he slept
with 16,000 women,

1050
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:06,160
he wouldn't have time
to put on pants.

1051
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:09,000
That is true, too.
I didn't consider that.

1052
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:10,320
Why don't you
give me a call at DC 101

1053
00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:12,320
if you want
to talk about this.

1054
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:15,160
We'll be back
right after these words.

1055
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:17,720
You're a genius.

1056
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:19,000
That was great.

1057
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:20,400
That was interesting.

1058
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:22,480
Didn't that feel good?
That was great.

1059
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:24,920
You say
whatever you want.

1060
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,360
You have carte blanche.

1061
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:30,360
You and Robin must not talk
to each other on the air.

1062
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,160
And don't sing along
with the music.

1063
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:33,840
And you know
what else you could do?

1064
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:36,160
I'd like you to memorize
the names of the local high schools.

1065
00:47:36,240 --> 00:47:38,000
And don't criticize
Washington.

1066
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:39,680
It's not good for ratings.

1067
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:43,040
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.

1068
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:44,440
Wait. I wanted...

1069
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:45,920
You know what I want you
to do for me,

1070
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:47,800
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits

1071
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,280
and the corresponding
days of the week,

1072
00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:51,600
so that I'll know on which day
you'll be doing which bit.

1073
00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:54,920
I told you I work spontaneously.
I think that I...

1074
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:02,680
Robin...
don't encourage him.

1075
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:04,720
He's better
when he's toned down.

1076
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:08,880
We need you to be
a friend here, Robin.

1077
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,160
I'll see
what I can do.

1078
00:48:11,240 --> 00:48:13,040
Great.

1079
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:14,400
Appreciate it,
Robin.

1080
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:15,560
- OK.
- Thanks.

1081
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:19,520
I think we should
separate them.

1082
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,520
Orioles over the Red Sox
3-2 last night,

1083
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:24,520
extending the Os'
winning streak to 7.

1084
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:26,520
And finally,
today is Memorial Day.

1085
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:30,040
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades

1086
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:31,520
across the metropolitan area.

1087
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:34,560
Highs today in the 70s.
It's 58 degrees...

1088
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,560
You know, Robin, let me
interrupt for a second.

1089
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:39,560
I'm glad you brought up
Memorial Day.

1090
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:41,560
I was in Vietnam.
I'd like to talk to you about it.

1091
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:43,560
I had 11 kills
in Vietnam,

1092
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:47,040
and I'm telling you,
I really should've had more.

1093
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:49,040
Officially, I should've
had more kills.

1094
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:51,040
Let me tell you
what I'm talking about.

1095
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,080
I was in a gook village,
and I come upon a schoolhouse.

1096
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:54,920
So I grab one of
my grenades off my belt,

1097
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:56,760
and I throw it right
into the schoolhouse.

1098
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,040
And I blow up
the whole damn thing.

1099
00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:01,160
So I'm out there
counting all the bodies.

1100
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,320
You threw a grenade
into a school?

1101
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,360
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.

1102
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,160
I must've killed, like,
200 kids.

1103
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:09,880
My dickhead lieutenant
comes up to me, and he says,

1104
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,840
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."

1105
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:14,840
Howard, I was
in the military.

1106
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:17,320
I was a captain in the Air Force.
What were you?

1107
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:18,800
What was I?

1108
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:20,400
Yeah, what were you?

1109
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:22,480
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.

1110
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,480
That's what I was.
I was a captain.

1111
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,000
And what were you in?

1112
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:27,520
I was in Vietnam.

1113
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:29,280
Ohh! Army? Navy?

1114
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:30,280
In the Army.

1115
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:32,320
Did you have a division?

1116
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:33,320
103rd.

1117
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:34,320
103rd what?

1118
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:35,800
I was in the 103rd...

1119
00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:37,320
I don't know
what I was in, Robin,

1120
00:49:37,360 --> 00:49:39,400
But I'm saying I was
in the 103rd.

1121
00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:41,400
And the point
of this whole thing

1122
00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:44,240
is that I think a kill
is a kill is a kill,

1123
00:49:44,320 --> 00:49:46,760
and killing a kid should be
just as good as killing an adult.

1124
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:51,400
Well, I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.

1125
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,480
I got some music
for you now at DC 101.

1126
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:56,680
Ha ha!

1127
00:49:58,080 --> 00:49:59,720
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.

1128
00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:00,720
Duh.

1129
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,760
I couldn't sit there
and not say something.

1130
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:07,280
I knew they had told me
not to talk.

1131
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:09,760
I knew I was going to get
in trouble if I did.

1132
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:11,760
But he was really
onto something,

1133
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:15,760
and I knew that there was
something going on there...

1134
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:18,280
and I just went for it.

1135
00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:23,320
Well, this just came
from the FCC.

1136
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,840
Did you say "testicles"
on the air?

1137
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:26,840
Wait a second.

1138
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,840
Screw the FCC.
We just lost Muffler Man.

1139
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,840
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.

1140
00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:32,320
I'm just trying
to get ratings.

1141
00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:33,760
I am just trying
to run a radio station.

1142
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:35,440
I understand that,
and I'm telling you

1143
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:37,360
that the commercial sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.

1144
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:38,440
There's a big problem.

1145
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:40,200
They're gonna be
lining up 10 in a row.

1146
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,400
You listen to me,
you stupid asshole.

1147
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:45,200
Radio is a business, and
you just cost us $40,000.

1148
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,920
Wait a second. If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.

1149
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:50,920
I'm calm.
I am perfectly calm.

1150
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:53,760
D.C. Carpet canceled
because of him.

1151
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:55,720
Well, I've reached
my limit.

1152
00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:58,000
I don't know about you,
but my back is against the wall.

1153
00:50:58,080 --> 00:50:59,320
Will everyone
just sit down?

1154
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:00,520
I just want to say
one thing.

1155
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,040
I really think this show's
starting to take off.

1156
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:03,520
There's a buzz
on the street about it.

1157
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:05,520
If we just give it a chance,
if we just take some time with it,

1158
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:07,640
I think everything's
gonna be OK.

1159
00:51:07,720 --> 00:51:09,640
Don't push
your luck, Howard.

1160
00:51:09,720 --> 00:51:12,440
Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live
Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"

1161
00:51:12,520 --> 00:51:13,600
is getting closer.

1162
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:15,520
We're going to
have winners take...

1163
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:16,520
Hey!

1164
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:17,600
Hi, honey.

1165
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:20,080
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.

1166
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,560
Oh, yeah?
Come on, hurry up.

1167
00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:24,440
Snap to it.
I'm ovulating.

1168
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:27,440
I'm in the middle of
important show research.

1169
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:30,440
Howard, seriously,
come on.

1170
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:32,440
You know what?
You're getting baby fever here.

1171
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:33,960
And you know, maybe
it's a little premature.

1172
00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:35,960
I'm about 3 days away from being fired,
the way I figure it.

1173
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:37,960
And do you want
to know something?

1174
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:39,480
You got to think about
the economics of this.

1175
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:41,480
You're gonna be the best morning man
in the history of radio.

1176
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:43,120
At any minute, you're
gonna be number one.

1177
00:51:43,240 --> 00:51:44,480
- Is that so?
- Yeah! Strip!

1178
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:45,800
Let me tell you something.
Look at yourself.

1179
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:47,320
You're completely on fire
about having a baby.

1180
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:49,320
You don't understand.
I'm not a piece of meat.

1181
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,040
I mean,
I have to be romanced.

1182
00:51:51,160 --> 00:51:52,960
Oh, yeah. Please.

1183
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,960
Ooh, look at that bra.
Where did you get that?

1184
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:57,200
You like this?

1185
00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:58,720
OK. That's it.
That's it!

1186
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:00,640
I am making a baby!

1187
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:02,760
It's baby time!
I'm ready to give you a baby.

1188
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:03,800
Thank you.

1189
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:04,800
Hold on.

1190
00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:08,920
OK. Now I'm hot.

1191
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,440
Now I actually
want to have sex.

1192
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,120
I didn't before
and now I do.

1193
00:52:12,240 --> 00:52:13,560
Announcer On TV:
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...

1194
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:16,080
Robin, watch this.

1195
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:21,880
What am I doing?

1196
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:23,720
Uh, having a seizure?

1197
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:25,760
No, that's not a seizure.
That's me dancing

1198
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:28,920
because I'm happy
'cause I got laid last night.

1199
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:30,240
- Oh!
- Yeah, I really did.

1200
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:32,240
In fact,
it was not for lust.

1201
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:33,920
It was 'cause I was
making a kid.

1202
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:35,920
- Oh.
- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.

1203
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:37,800
They're very, you know,
she's getting older.

1204
00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:39,280
But my sperm
is like supersperm,

1205
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:41,520
so I'm pretty sure everything
was delivered in one shot.

1206
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,520
Oh, yeah.
Your sperm are fine.

1207
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:45,520
My sperm are fantastic.
I'm fantastic.

1208
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:48,040
I'm in a good mood.
Let's take some phone calls

1209
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:49,520
and see what's doing
out there.

1210
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:51,040
- OK.
- Hi, you're on the air.

1211
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:52,600
Woman Caller: Hi,
is this Howard Stern?

1212
00:52:52,680 --> 00:52:53,760
This is Howard.

1213
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:55,280
Oh, whoa.
Anyway, I was calling

1214
00:52:55,360 --> 00:52:57,120
because I have
a really big problem.

1215
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:58,320
What's your problem?

1216
00:52:58,400 --> 00:52:59,880
Well, every morning
I lie in bed,

1217
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:01,440
and the only thing
I can do is think of you.

1218
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:04,120
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can't help you with your problem.

1219
00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:05,440
What do you look like?

1220
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:09,080
Well, I've got blond hair,
and I've got blue eyes,

1221
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:12,600
and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.

1222
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:15,440
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

1223
00:53:15,520 --> 00:53:17,560
I can help you.
Robin, I can help this girl.

1224
00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:20,080
You know, we have the most
beautiful audience.

1225
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:22,640
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.

1226
00:53:22,680 --> 00:53:24,080
You know what we're gonna do
to solve your problem?

1227
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:26,120
I'm gonna have sex with you
right now over the radio.

1228
00:53:26,160 --> 00:53:27,560
Caller:
How are we gonna do that?

1229
00:53:27,680 --> 00:53:29,920
Very simple.
I've thought this through, Robin.

1230
00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:32,560
First of all, what kind of radio
are you listening to us on?

1231
00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:35,560
You have a transistor radio, or you
have one of those big sound systems?

1232
00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:37,120
Caller: I have
one of those big sound systems.

1233
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:38,240
Good. OK.

1234
00:53:38,360 --> 00:53:40,080
Could you turn the treble
all the way down

1235
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:41,360
and put the bass
all the way up?

1236
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:45,720
OK. The treble's down,
and the bass is up.

1237
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:48,200
Howard: Take your speaker...
You got a big speaker?

1238
00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:49,120
Caller: Yes, I do.

1239
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:50,640
Lay it flat
on the floor.

1240
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,400
And I want you to sort
of straddle the speaker.

1241
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:54,880
- Howard!
- Caller: Do what?

1242
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:57,760
A woman cannot be aroused
in that way.

1243
00:53:57,840 --> 00:54:00,080
Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin.
You're absolutely wrong.

1244
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:02,120
In fact, my father
was a radio engineer,

1245
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,280
and he proved
this theory years ago.

1246
00:54:04,360 --> 00:54:05,840
You've got to believe.

1247
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:09,280
Now, what I need you to do is put
your private area over the woofer.

1248
00:54:09,360 --> 00:54:10,600
Caller: I can't believe you're
really making me to do this.

1249
00:54:10,680 --> 00:54:12,160
Howard: Come on, do it.

1250
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,560
Right up against it
so you can feel me.

1251
00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:19,040
I'm on.

1252
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:21,160
Robin: Oh, I have
to ask her a question.

1253
00:54:21,240 --> 00:54:25,360
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?

1254
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:27,120
Don't answer that question.
Bad question.

1255
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:28,960
You're gonna ruin
this woman's mood.

1256
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:30,960
She might start
second-guessing.

1257
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:32,240
Are you ready
to have sex?

1258
00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:33,720
Caller, Giggling:
Oh, my God.

1259
00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:39,760
Ooh!

1260
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:42,400
Oohh!

1261
00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:45,040
Ooh. It kinda tingles.

1262
00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:47,600
See? It tingles.
She likes it.

1263
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:48,600
Yeah, sure.

1264
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:55,080
Ohh! Oh...

1265
00:54:57,880 --> 00:54:59,240
She's full of it.

1266
00:55:01,720 --> 00:55:03,080
Aahh!

1267
00:55:03,160 --> 00:55:07,080
Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

1268
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:08,480
Listen to her.
She's going wild.

1269
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:10,160
You got me moaning.

1270
00:55:25,160 --> 00:55:26,080
Oh, my goodness.

1271
00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:31,080
Ohhh!

1272
00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:35,040
This is the best sex
I ever had.

1273
00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:37,080
Ooh! Standing ovation.
Thank you.

1274
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,240
- Oh, boy.
- Thank you.

1275
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:39,880
Robin: Take your bows.

1276
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:43,440
A woman on the air
had an orgasm.

1277
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:44,920
Have you lost your mind?

1278
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:46,440
But you got to admit,
it was a funny bit.

1279
00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:47,960
The audience loved
that stuff.

1280
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:49,440
We just lost Stereo City.

1281
00:55:49,520 --> 00:55:51,760
This is not Muffler Man.
This is Stereo fucking City.

1282
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,600
Dee Dee, you know
there's gonna be other sponsors.

1283
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,560
No, there's not, Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You're finished.

1284
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,400
Come on!
How can you say that?

1285
00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:00,120
Dee Dee,
I don't believe it.

1286
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:02,200
He's up.

1287
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:03,320
He's up?

1288
00:56:03,400 --> 00:56:05,400
In the new ratings book,
he's up... 2 points.

1289
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:07,000
Howard:
I love you.

1290
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:09,520
2 full points,
and Pizza Shack called.

1291
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:11,520
They want to buy time
on the Stern show.

1292
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:13,520
I go to Pizza Shack
all the time. Great.

1293
00:56:13,600 --> 00:56:15,520
This is a great time
to talk

1294
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,040
about putting some money
into the show.

1295
00:56:17,120 --> 00:56:18,760
I know a guy,
he does voices, he does comedy.

1296
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:21,280
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.

1297
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:24,640
I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full
rating points if you hire this guy.

1298
00:56:24,720 --> 00:56:26,240
This guy
must be hot.

1299
00:56:26,320 --> 00:56:28,240
This guy is
total personality.

1300
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:29,800
He's electric.

1301
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:42,560
Hey, Rick.
How's tricks, buddy?

1302
00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:44,080
I've been coughing all day.

1303
00:56:44,120 --> 00:56:47,560
I feel like I'm about
to cough up a lung.

1304
00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:50,800
Blecch!

1305
00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:52,440
Waaa!

1306
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:55,325
Both:
Oh, no! It's Lucy!

1307
00:56:55,360 --> 00:56:57,280
# You got me so I can't
sleep at night #

1308
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:00,800
# Girl,
you really got me now #

1309
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,440
# You got me so I don't know
where I'm going #

1310
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:05,120
Howard:
Thank you very much.

1311
00:57:05,200 --> 00:57:07,120
# Yeah, you really
got me now #

1312
00:57:07,200 --> 00:57:09,640
# You got me so
I can't sleep at night #

1313
00:57:09,720 --> 00:57:12,760
# You really got me,
You really got me... #

1314
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:15,040
Howard: Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right.

1315
00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:17,040
I mean, things really
started to take off.

1316
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:19,800
It was then that I made
a startling discovery.

1317
00:57:19,880 --> 00:57:23,200
She's a beautiful girl. You're telling
me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?

1318
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,520
Howard: Lesbians
equal ratings.

1319
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:27,160
Now let me say something.

1320
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:28,880
I am the hero
of the lesbian community,

1321
00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:30,040
am I not, Robin?

1322
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:31,200
I guess you are.

1323
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:32,400
I absolutely am.

1324
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,200
All right. Now,
let's get into it.

1325
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:38,360
Julie, I want you to tell us
about your first lesbianic experience.

1326
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:39,560
OK.

1327
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:42,040
Tell me about the secret world
of lesbian sex.

1328
00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:44,040
Well, Howard, I was 18.

1329
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:45,560
Oh, you were so young.

1330
00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:48,080
Right. And I was working
at a summer camp.

1331
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:49,080
Yes?

1332
00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:51,400
And I was lying
in my bunk,

1333
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:53,560
and the camp director's wife
walked in.

1334
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:55,040
Ooh, now, that's hot.

1335
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:57,240
Uh, everyone was asleep,

1336
00:57:57,320 --> 00:57:59,080
and I'm lying
in my bunk,

1337
00:57:59,160 --> 00:58:00,560
and she sees me
looking at her.

1338
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:02,080
Howard: And then
what happens?

1339
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:04,560
She, like, signals
for me to go with her.

1340
00:58:04,640 --> 00:58:06,080
What are you sleeping in?

1341
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:07,600
'Cause this is
what I picture.

1342
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:09,600
Little cotton panties,
a tight little undershirt.

1343
00:58:09,640 --> 00:58:11,800
No. I'm wearing, like,
little baby-doll pajamas.

1344
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:14,000
Oh, you tease.

1345
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:17,000
So then she takes me
into this tent.

1346
00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:20,040
When you walk in, lesbians
all over the place, right?

1347
00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,680
I mean, a whole lesbian
sex festival, right?

1348
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:25,040
Oh, you know it, Howard.

1349
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:26,080
Man: Howard?

1350
00:58:26,120 --> 00:58:27,080
Ohh!

1351
00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:28,080
Howard?

1352
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:30,600
Alison on line 3.
It is important.

1353
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:32,920
Do you believe this, in the middle
of Lesbian Dating Game,

1354
00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:34,400
my wife calls in?

1355
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:36,360
Robin:
Maybe she wants to play.

1356
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:38,400
Honey, you want to play?
You want a date with Julie?

1357
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,880
Alison: Am I on the air?

1358
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:41,400
Yes, honey, of course
you're on the air.

1359
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:43,400
I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.

1360
00:58:43,440 --> 00:58:46,400
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.

1361
00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:48,560
You've got to tell everyone. My audience
wants to know why you're interrupting.

1362
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:49,920
Don't you want to know,
Robin?

1363
00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:51,400
I think we deserve to.

1364
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:55,120
Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?
I think she's gone.

1365
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:57,080
Alison: No. I'm pregnant.

1366
00:58:57,120 --> 00:58:58,560
What?

1367
00:58:58,640 --> 00:59:00,560
Alison: I'm pregnant.

1368
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:03,560
Robin: Congratulations,
Howard.

1369
00:59:03,640 --> 00:59:07,400
It's my supersperm. I knew
my supersperm would do it, Robin.

1370
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:08,480
You're so blessed.

1371
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:09,840
Julie says we're blessed,
honey,

1372
00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:11,360
and Julie would know
these things.

1373
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:13,400
Alison: Well, I appreciate her support.
Can we talk privately now?

1374
00:59:13,480 --> 00:59:14,640
Absolutely, sweetheart.

1375
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:16,000
Wait a minute. Does she
know what she's gonna have?

1376
00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:17,280
Is it gonna be a lesbian?

1377
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,200
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far.

1378
00:59:19,280 --> 00:59:22,400
No offense, Julie.
Please, I don't need this aggravation.

1379
00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:25,480
We're gonna take a break. We'll get back
to making out with the lesbians

1380
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:27,000
right after these words.

1381
00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:29,840
- Hi.
- Alison: Hey.

1382
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,040
I can't believe it.

1383
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:32,520
I can't believe you made me
do that on the air.

1384
00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:34,040
It's so exciting.
Did you call your mother?

1385
00:59:34,120 --> 00:59:35,520
I called, I called.
I feel so different.

1386
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:36,520
I know.

1387
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:38,040
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

1388
00:59:38,120 --> 00:59:39,520
I'm flipping
out, too.

1389
00:59:39,600 --> 00:59:41,040
I'm somebody's
father.

1390
00:59:41,120 --> 00:59:42,880
Oh, my God!

1391
00:59:44,040 --> 00:59:46,480
Reporter:
Love him or hate him,

1392
00:59:46,560 --> 00:59:47,840
unconventional
disc jockey Howard Stern

1393
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:49,840
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,

1394
00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:51,920
making him number one
in greater Washington.

1395
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:54,960
Howard On TV: I took a dump of a
radio station and returned it to glory.

1396
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:57,000
Howard In Living Room:
I look like Hitler.

1397
00:59:57,040 --> 00:59:59,000
Howard, Narrating:
I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.

1398
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:01,480
I mean, we were gonna have
our first child,

1399
01:00:01,560 --> 01:00:04,000
and 6 weeks later,
the new ratings came out.

1400
01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:06,520
We destroyed every other
station in the market.

1401
01:00:06,560 --> 01:00:08,000
My life was perfect.

1402
01:00:08,080 --> 01:00:10,000
I'm gonna grab
this guy's hat,

1403
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:11,520
if they show it.

1404
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:17,440
Howard On TV:
I'll tell you another thing...

1405
01:00:17,520 --> 01:00:18,960
Look, watch this.

1406
01:00:19,000 --> 01:00:20,440
You're gonna miss it.

1407
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:21,440
Come here.

1408
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:23,920
Howard On TV:
I am Officer Howie,

1409
01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:27,280
and there's a new law in town.
We're taking it over.

1410
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:29,440
Alison: How!

1411
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:30,960
I love you.

1412
01:00:33,040 --> 01:00:34,960
Al, you OK?

1413
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:38,280
I think
something's wrong.

1414
01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:40,800
Even if I'd put you
in the hospital

1415
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:43,320
and I pumped you full
of every medication possible,

1416
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:45,880
you still would've lost
the pregnancy.

1417
01:00:57,920 --> 01:01:00,840
Your body rejected
what was going on.

1418
01:01:00,920 --> 01:01:03,840
And that's so healthy.
It's such a good way to look at it.

1419
01:01:03,920 --> 01:01:06,840
And in a couple of months,
we're gonna try to have a baby again,

1420
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:08,320
and everything's
gonna go great.

1421
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:11,320
You're gonna be totally confident
that everything's going good

1422
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:13,440
because you know your
body would reject it

1423
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,440
if it wasn't going
right... you know?

1424
01:01:18,560 --> 01:01:20,440
I have to tell my parents.

1425
01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:24,440
Not really.
We don't have to tell your parents.

1426
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:26,960
You know
what you could do?

1427
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:30,440
I didn't want
to tell you this,

1428
01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:32,960
but I took a polaroid
of the toilet.

1429
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:35,960
And we can just mail them
a picture of that,

1430
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:37,960
and they can walk
around Florida, you know,

1431
01:01:38,040 --> 01:01:39,440
and say it was
our grandchild,

1432
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:41,480
and your mother
will be so happy.

1433
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:43,480
She just wants pictures
to show her friends.

1434
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:44,960
- No.
- You know that.

1435
01:01:45,040 --> 01:01:47,480
She just wants to be like all
the other yentas who walk around.

1436
01:01:47,560 --> 01:01:51,480
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.

1437
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:55,480
She could walk around with your father
and little Clumpy pictures.

1438
01:01:56,840 --> 01:01:58,800
Chorus, On Tape:
# All the weather #

1439
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:01,160
# Now here's God #

1440
01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:02,160
Your Holiness.

1441
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:03,480
Howard As God:
Hello, Howard.

1442
01:02:03,600 --> 01:02:05,000
There you are.

1443
01:02:05,040 --> 01:02:07,000
I see your wife
had a miscarriage.

1444
01:02:07,040 --> 01:02:08,480
Aw, don't bring
that up, God.

1445
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:10,000
Please, that's way
too personal.

1446
01:02:10,040 --> 01:02:13,480
You tried to have a baby,
and you failed.

1447
01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:14,480
Oh, man!

1448
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:17,000
Now the baby is with me!

1449
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:18,480
This is crazy.

1450
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:20,520
Boy, what a loser you are.

1451
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:23,520
Wow! He's getting awfully
personal this morning.

1452
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:26,000
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.

1453
01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:28,240
A real man would have done it
right the first time.

1454
01:02:28,360 --> 01:02:29,760
Oh, for God's sake.

1455
01:02:29,840 --> 01:02:32,760
It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.

1456
01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:34,240
That's my kid up there.

1457
01:02:34,360 --> 01:02:37,800
This is God with the weather
on DC 101.

1458
01:02:37,840 --> 01:02:39,000
You're all wrong, God.

1459
01:02:39,080 --> 01:02:40,960
You're completely
out of line this morning.

1460
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:43,440
I don't think we should be
talking about this.

1461
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:46,800
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience,

1462
01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,280
because the doctor walks out,
and there's the kid,

1463
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:50,440
your beautiful child,

1464
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:52,800
and he's no bigger than
the size of an aspirin.

1465
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:55,320
Howie Jr., no bigger
than the size of an aspirin.

1466
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:56,800
Robin: Was it a boy?

1467
01:02:56,920 --> 01:02:58,800
It was a boy, yes.
He had a little tiny penis.

1468
01:02:58,920 --> 01:03:02,040
And then you look at him,
and he's in the formaldehyde jar.

1469
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:04,040
And I said to my wife,
"Honey, don't be upset

1470
01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:06,040
that Howard Jr.'s
in a formaldehyde jar.

1471
01:03:06,120 --> 01:03:08,040
We're gonna take him out of
this office, we'll bring him home,

1472
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:10,120
and next week we'll bring him
to the zoo in a stroller."

1473
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:12,000
Oh, please!

1474
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:13,640
I don't want to talk
about it, Robin.

1475
01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:15,080
I really think
you need counseling.

1476
01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:17,440
I'm gonna play a record.
DC 101.

1477
01:03:17,480 --> 01:03:19,480
We got some great tunes
for you this morning,

1478
01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:22,640
and then Robin will analyze me
when we get back from this song.

1479
01:03:22,680 --> 01:03:24,680
Very sad music.

1480
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:28,240
Not that, Fred.
Play something else, please.

1481
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:29,720
For God's sake.

1482
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:33,000
DC 101. Here's
rock 'n' roll for you.

1483
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:43,520
Hi. Al, you home?

1484
01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:48,240
Hi. How you feeling?
You OK?

1485
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:50,240
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?

1486
01:03:50,320 --> 01:03:53,280
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that?

1487
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:54,760
You're an asshole!

1488
01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:56,600
What are you
talking about?

1489
01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:58,800
Alison, I love you.
What are you talking about?

1490
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:00,800
Howard, not everything
is for your audience.

1491
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:03,480
I need a life that is ours,
that belongs to us.

1492
01:04:03,560 --> 01:04:05,560
I'm on the air 5 hours a day.
I'm trying to come up with material.

1493
01:04:05,600 --> 01:04:06,760
I hate going out.

1494
01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:08,200
Too bad!

1495
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:10,560
I said when we came here,
if I was gonna win on the radio,

1496
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:12,360
I'd have to talk about everything.
I couldn't hold back.

1497
01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:15,280
- Howard...
- Come on, last night we were laughing about this.

1498
01:04:15,360 --> 01:04:17,360
I just assumed
you thought it was funny.

1499
01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:19,200
It was funny for us
last night.

1500
01:04:19,240 --> 01:04:20,520
Privately, for us.

1501
01:04:20,600 --> 01:04:22,480
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...

1502
01:04:22,560 --> 01:04:23,480
Shut up. Shut up.

1503
01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:25,000
The audience isn't
gonna be there.

1504
01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:26,000
Shut up! Shut up!

1505
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:27,000
I won't make any money.

1506
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:28,000
Shut up!
You disgust me!

1507
01:04:28,080 --> 01:04:29,960
I can't even look
at you, idiot!

1508
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:35,720
It's hard, you know.

1509
01:04:35,840 --> 01:04:40,240
When he shares our most personal
details of our life together

1510
01:04:40,320 --> 01:04:42,760
with, you know,
millions of listeners, it's...

1511
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,520
I wish that there were
more things that could be just ours.

1512
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:54,040
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?

1513
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:58,040
You know, I think...
I don't know.

1514
01:04:58,120 --> 01:04:59,520
It's not simple.

1515
01:05:02,520 --> 01:05:07,320
Our entire Washington
radio audience has disappeared.

1516
01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:09,840
It seems the competition
has a disc jockey

1517
01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:14,120
that's caused a bit of a shift
in the listening patterns.

1518
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:18,880
One disc jockey has wiped out
our entire audience?

1519
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:21,360
Can we get him?

1520
01:05:22,640 --> 01:05:25,200
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.

1521
01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:26,720
All right.
You go first.

1522
01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:29,240
OK. All right,
That's rude. You go first.

1523
01:05:29,280 --> 01:05:30,240
Go first.

1524
01:05:30,280 --> 01:05:31,720
OK. Listen to this.

1525
01:05:31,800 --> 01:05:33,760
I listen to radio.
I like show.

1526
01:05:33,840 --> 01:05:36,760
But don't make fun
of the Chinese people.

1527
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:38,440
Make fun, not funny.

1528
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:39,920
I didn't make fun
of the Chinese people, did I?

1529
01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:40,920
Probably.

1530
01:05:41,000 --> 01:05:43,160
I bring egg rolls.

1531
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:47,520
What is your news?
What is it?

1532
01:05:47,560 --> 01:05:49,520
It's unbelievable.

1533
01:05:49,560 --> 01:05:52,560
I got a job offer today
from WNBC in New York.

1534
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:56,080
Afternoon drive, the most powerful
radio station in their chain,

1535
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:57,600
$150,000 a year.

1536
01:05:57,640 --> 01:06:00,080
And they said
if I do really well,

1537
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:02,400
they're gonna syndicate
my program all over the country.

1538
01:06:02,480 --> 01:06:04,440
This is it.
This is everything I want.

1539
01:06:04,480 --> 01:06:07,320
It's like...
It's the dream, the Big Apple.

1540
01:06:07,400 --> 01:06:10,040
I'm pregnant.

1541
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:14,240
You're pregnant?

1542
01:06:14,320 --> 01:06:15,960
Mm-hmm.

1543
01:06:19,400 --> 01:06:20,440
Come here.

1544
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:21,440
What?

1545
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,120
Come here.
Just come here.

1546
01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:24,480
Come here.

1547
01:06:24,560 --> 01:06:25,480
My God.

1548
01:06:25,600 --> 01:06:26,480
Pregnant?

1549
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:29,840
So what's going on?
What's gonna happen?

1550
01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:30,840
Everything's good.

1551
01:06:30,920 --> 01:06:31,840
Yeah?

1552
01:06:31,920 --> 01:06:33,360
She's gonna
get naked?

1553
01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:34,840
Yeah, sure. Of course.

1554
01:06:34,920 --> 01:06:37,360
All right. Let's get her out.
Let's do it.

1555
01:06:37,440 --> 01:06:38,840
She'll get naked?

1556
01:06:38,920 --> 01:06:40,360
Yeah. That's why
we're here, man.

1557
01:06:42,080 --> 01:06:42,960
OK, honey.

1558
01:06:43,080 --> 01:06:44,480
Hi. How's it going?

1559
01:06:44,560 --> 01:06:46,960
- Oh, my God.
- This is Gary.

1560
01:06:47,080 --> 01:06:48,520
How you doing?

1561
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:51,520
Good. I'm sorry. I know
I told you I'd do this,

1562
01:06:51,560 --> 01:06:52,960
but I've really
changed my mind.

1563
01:06:53,080 --> 01:06:54,520
I don't want to do it
anymore.

1564
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:56,520
OK. What's, uh, like,
what's the problem?

1565
01:06:56,560 --> 01:06:58,520
What are you
worried about?

1566
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:00,000
I just changed my mind.

1567
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:01,520
Husband: What do you mean?
You are doing it.

1568
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,520
We didn't drive here
for you to change your mind.

1569
01:07:03,600 --> 01:07:05,520
No. It's just very
humiliating to me.

1570
01:07:05,600 --> 01:07:06,520
What's humiliating?

1571
01:07:06,600 --> 01:07:07,680
It's not that big a deal.

1572
01:07:07,760 --> 01:07:09,520
We've done it a lot
on the show.

1573
01:07:09,600 --> 01:07:12,000
I think Howard would appreciate it
if you would do it for us.

1574
01:07:12,080 --> 01:07:14,480
No. I changed my mind,
and I'm really sorry.

1575
01:07:14,520 --> 01:07:17,480
I know I told you that I'd do it,
but I don't want to.

1576
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:18,960
I think it's
very humiliating.

1577
01:07:19,000 --> 01:07:20,960
Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.
This is show business.

1578
01:07:21,000 --> 01:07:22,960
You got a great body.
Let everybody see it.

1579
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:24,480
Yeah. You're beautiful.

1580
01:07:24,560 --> 01:07:26,960
You're my husband. Don't make me do
something I don't want to do.

1581
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:28,960
I'm proud of you,
and I want you to do it.

1582
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:30,960
That's why we drove here
from Jersey.

1583
01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:33,000
What the hell is
this donkey here for?

1584
01:07:33,035 --> 01:07:35,000
Nobody told me anything
about a donkey.

1585
01:07:35,035 --> 01:07:36,160
It's a show business
donkey.

1586
01:07:36,200 --> 01:07:37,640
The donkey's not part
of the act.

1587
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:39,160
It had nothing
to do with you.

1588
01:07:39,240 --> 01:07:41,160
You'll feel at ease
once we go do it.

1589
01:07:41,240 --> 01:07:42,640
It'll just
take 2 seconds.

1590
01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:44,480
Right now, I need to know,
are you doing it or not?

1591
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:45,480
No, I'm not.

1592
01:07:45,560 --> 01:07:47,000
Honey, you are doing it.

1593
01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:49,480
I changed my mind. And you're
my husband. You should support me.

1594
01:07:49,560 --> 01:07:51,160
Howard goes to New York.

1595
01:07:51,240 --> 01:07:53,000
Thanks for nothing.
Gino, let the donkey go.

1596
01:07:53,040 --> 01:07:56,480
Come on, guys. Wrap it up.
They're not doing it.

1597
01:08:03,040 --> 01:08:04,240
# Let's dance #

1598
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:07,520
# Put on your red shoes #

1599
01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:09,680
# And dance the blues #

1600
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:13,000
# Let's dance #

1601
01:08:13,040 --> 01:08:18,960
# To the song they're
playing on the radio... #

1602
01:08:19,040 --> 01:08:21,960
Reporter: What you're about
to hear is going to shock you

1603
01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:23,880
because it's vulgar
and obscene.

1604
01:08:23,960 --> 01:08:27,280
It's x-rated radio,
barnyard radio.

1605
01:08:27,320 --> 01:08:30,120
You mommies and daddies out there
who complained to the radio station,

1606
01:08:30,200 --> 01:08:31,960
I got something
to say to you.

1607
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:33,720
Here.

1608
01:08:33,800 --> 01:08:35,960
Reporter: This is a story
with a twist.

1609
01:08:36,040 --> 01:08:38,120
While we were producing
this report,

1610
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:41,480
Howard Stern was lured away from
Washington by a New York City station.

1611
01:08:41,560 --> 01:08:45,000
That station,
you guessed it, is WNBC...

1612
01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:52,480
This person is coming here
to work at our flagship station?

1613
01:08:52,560 --> 01:08:55,000
Yes.

1614
01:08:55,080 --> 01:08:58,040
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal

1615
01:08:58,080 --> 01:08:59,560
without even hearing him
on the air?

1616
01:08:59,640 --> 01:09:00,560
Yes, Roger.

1617
01:09:00,640 --> 01:09:01,720
He's on the FCC's
most-wanted list.

1618
01:09:01,800 --> 01:09:02,800
Roger, his rate...

1619
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:04,080
Chuck, will you show
him the numbers.

1620
01:09:04,120 --> 01:09:05,240
Through the roof.

1621
01:09:05,320 --> 01:09:06,760
No, no. Don't bother.

1622
01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:09,440
You're fired,
all of you. Get out.

1623
01:09:12,800 --> 01:09:13,880
Get out!

1624
01:09:28,040 --> 01:09:30,480
You know,
unless he quits,

1625
01:09:30,520 --> 01:09:33,480
it's gonna cost half
a million dollars

1626
01:09:33,520 --> 01:09:35,320
to buy
Stern's contract out.

1627
01:09:35,400 --> 01:09:37,760
I reject that
on principle.

1628
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:41,960
Uh, Mr. Erlick,
if I may?

1629
01:09:43,160 --> 01:09:45,080
Put me in charge
of the Stern show.

1630
01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:47,080
Let me ride herd on him,

1631
01:09:47,160 --> 01:09:50,120
and I'll mold that son of a bitch
into another Don Imus.

1632
01:09:50,160 --> 01:09:51,480
When I'm through
whipping him,

1633
01:09:51,560 --> 01:09:54,760
that boy will be asking
permission to wipe his ass.

1634
01:09:54,840 --> 01:09:55,840
You want to tame him?

1635
01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:57,880
Well,
either I'll tame him,

1636
01:09:57,960 --> 01:09:59,960
or I'll make him
so crazy...

1637
01:10:00,080 --> 01:10:01,160
he'll quit.

1638
01:10:01,240 --> 01:10:04,320
So either way,
we win.

1639
01:10:05,640 --> 01:10:08,040
I'll tell you,
these halls are, like,

1640
01:10:08,120 --> 01:10:09,520
you know, uh,
legendary.

1641
01:10:09,600 --> 01:10:10,800
It's pretty wild.

1642
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:12,040
Kenny. Howard Stern.

1643
01:10:12,120 --> 01:10:13,360
Hi. Hey,
How you doing?

1644
01:10:13,440 --> 01:10:14,320
Howard!

1645
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:15,600
Great to meet you.

1646
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:17,600
Oh, it is such a pleasure
to meet you, Howard.

1647
01:10:17,680 --> 01:10:19,960
What can I say?
This is unbelievable, you know.

1648
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:22,440
Kenny is the hottest
young programmer in New York City.

1649
01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:25,320
Howard, you gotta listen
to this man 'cause he's a genius.

1650
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,040
Come on, now.
Ha ha ha ha.

1651
01:10:27,120 --> 01:10:28,040
Play nice.

1652
01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:29,440
Kenny: Thanks, man.
God bless.

1653
01:10:29,520 --> 01:10:30,960
Good seeing you.
I'll see you later.

1654
01:10:31,040 --> 01:10:32,000
He's terrific.

1655
01:10:32,120 --> 01:10:33,400
Oh, yeah,
he's been terrific.

1656
01:10:33,480 --> 01:10:34,880
Everyone's been so nice.
It's a good feeling.

1657
01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:36,880
Howard, how about
you have a seat?

1658
01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:39,520
Oh, Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard, Howard.

1659
01:10:41,440 --> 01:10:44,480
Howard... the way
we work here at NBC...

1660
01:10:44,560 --> 01:10:47,960
is a more professional manner
than you're probably used to.

1661
01:10:48,040 --> 01:10:51,760
Now, see, I don't care about
what you did down in Washington,

1662
01:10:51,800 --> 01:10:53,760
'cause that's
chickenshit radio.

1663
01:10:53,800 --> 01:10:56,880
Here at NBC,
this is real radio.

1664
01:10:56,960 --> 01:10:59,400
And the first thing
you've gotta do

1665
01:10:59,440 --> 01:11:02,200
is say the call letters
properly, OK?

1666
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:05,720
Now, I'm gonna teach you
how to say them, all right?

1667
01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:08,040
And you know,
I hope you can get them,

1668
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:10,480
because, see, you don't
have a real good voice

1669
01:11:10,560 --> 01:11:12,040
like Imus or Captain Frank
or nothing,

1670
01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,960
so we're gonna
have to practice it.

1671
01:11:14,040 --> 01:11:15,480
Well...

1672
01:11:15,520 --> 01:11:18,240
you mean practice
in here now?

1673
01:11:18,320 --> 01:11:21,960
You're not going to get bashful
on me now, are you, Howard?

1674
01:11:22,040 --> 01:11:23,440
OK, you ready?

1675
01:11:23,520 --> 01:11:25,840
The way it's said
properly is...

1676
01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:30,760
WNBC.

1677
01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:34,640
This is key.

1678
01:11:34,680 --> 01:11:35,960
Come on.

1679
01:11:36,040 --> 01:11:37,800
WNBC.

1680
01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:38,800
No. No.

1681
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:40,400
It's gotta be more
like this.

1682
01:11:40,480 --> 01:11:41,680
Listen up.

1683
01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:43,720
WNBC.

1684
01:11:43,800 --> 01:11:45,240
You hear that?

1685
01:11:45,280 --> 01:11:47,520
Kinda lift,
that NBC.

1686
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:50,040
WNBC.

1687
01:11:50,120 --> 01:11:52,800
WNBC.

1688
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:54,080
Wider and kind of...

1689
01:11:54,160 --> 01:11:55,080
WNBC.

1690
01:11:55,160 --> 01:11:56,080
One more.

1691
01:11:56,160 --> 01:11:57,560
In my mind,
I'm hearing...

1692
01:11:57,640 --> 01:11:59,520
It sounds like I'm saying
exactly what you're saying.

1693
01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:00,520
No. Actually...

1694
01:12:00,600 --> 01:12:01,720
WNBC.

1695
01:12:01,800 --> 01:12:03,160
You've gotta
listen to Imus.

1696
01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:05,640
Imus does it
perfectly.

1697
01:12:05,720 --> 01:12:08,640
Tell you what. I'm gonna take you
down to Imus' office right now,

1698
01:12:08,720 --> 01:12:11,000
and you're gonna hear how he does it.
Come on, boy.

1699
01:12:11,040 --> 01:12:12,480
- You know, I...
- Come on.

1700
01:12:12,560 --> 01:12:14,000
I gotta tell you
something, Kenny.

1701
01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:15,920
I always saw myself sort of
something different than Imus.

1702
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,440
That's why
you hired me.

1703
01:12:17,480 --> 01:12:19,920
You are original. You are original,
but...

1704
01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:21,920
You say a lot
of offensive things,

1705
01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:23,920
and occasionally
you are real funny,

1706
01:12:24,000 --> 01:12:26,440
but you've got to learn
to do what Imus does.

1707
01:12:26,520 --> 01:12:29,040
See, he doesn't actually
say the bad thing himself.

1708
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,560
He says it
through a character.

1709
01:12:30,640 --> 01:12:32,080
Yeah, well,
I don't do character...

1710
01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:35,080
How about you go on
the air 3 a.m. This morning,

1711
01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:36,600
show us some characters.
OK?

1712
01:12:36,640 --> 01:12:39,000
Good. Now,
I'm gonna go in there

1713
01:12:39,080 --> 01:12:42,200
and just see how he's feeling.
You stay here. OK?

1714
01:12:43,600 --> 01:12:45,000
Mr. Imus?

1715
01:12:48,280 --> 01:12:49,440
Howard: Back then,

1716
01:12:49,480 --> 01:12:51,880
Don Imus was the number one
disc jockey in New York,

1717
01:12:51,920 --> 01:12:53,640
so I guess I was kind of
curious to meet him.

1718
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:54,680
Imus: You are
interrupting me.

1719
01:12:54,720 --> 01:12:57,120
Kenny: I have, uh,
Howard Stern outside.

1720
01:12:57,200 --> 01:12:58,240
You have who outside?

1721
01:12:58,320 --> 01:12:59,800
The young man
from Washington that we...

1722
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:01,800
You have Howard Stern
outside my fucking office?

1723
01:13:01,880 --> 01:13:04,000
How did Howard Stern
get outside my fucking office?

1724
01:13:04,080 --> 01:13:05,360
I brought him down...

1725
01:13:05,440 --> 01:13:07,280
Well, I'm not gonna meet
that stupid fuck. He's nothing.

1726
01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:09,760
Fuck off!

1727
01:13:12,520 --> 01:13:14,360
# 66 #

1728
01:13:14,440 --> 01:13:17,880
# WNBC #

1729
01:13:17,960 --> 01:13:19,440
Hello. I'm Robin Quivers,

1730
01:13:19,520 --> 01:13:22,520
and it's my great pleasure
to introduce you

1731
01:13:22,640 --> 01:13:24,880
to New York's
newest disc jockey.

1732
01:13:24,920 --> 01:13:27,360
Howard, Lisping:
Ooo-ey, that's me.

1733
01:13:27,440 --> 01:13:30,120
Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina
on WNBC.

1734
01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,120
WNBC.

1735
01:13:31,200 --> 01:13:32,520
I'm so excited

1736
01:13:32,600 --> 01:13:35,360
because I am New York's
first ever gay disc jockey.

1737
01:13:35,440 --> 01:13:36,360
Ever!

1738
01:13:36,440 --> 01:13:38,280
And now I want to
introduce to you...

1739
01:13:38,360 --> 01:13:39,320
This is
so exciting...

1740
01:13:39,440 --> 01:13:40,440
I want to introduce
to you

1741
01:13:40,560 --> 01:13:42,600
someone so marvelous,
so wonderful to me,

1742
01:13:42,680 --> 01:13:43,920
someone who
has supported me,

1743
01:13:44,000 --> 01:13:46,120
is my life mate,
my soul mate, my love mate.

1744
01:13:46,200 --> 01:13:48,840
He's everything and anything
to me, Mr. Blackswell.

1745
01:13:48,920 --> 01:13:50,360
Willkommen. Bienvenue.

1746
01:13:50,400 --> 01:13:53,400
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely
to see you here today.

1747
01:13:53,480 --> 01:13:54,840
Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi.

1748
01:13:54,880 --> 01:13:57,680
Mmm. Give me
a kiss. Mmm!

1749
01:13:57,760 --> 01:14:00,120
You two are just
adorable together,

1750
01:14:00,200 --> 01:14:02,680
and it's a wonderful thing
to have you here,

1751
01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:05,240
but I understand there's
already been a problem?

1752
01:14:05,360 --> 01:14:06,360
Yes. You know
about this?

1753
01:14:06,480 --> 01:14:08,040
I was in the program
director's office.

1754
01:14:08,160 --> 01:14:09,200
His name
is Pig Vomit.

1755
01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:10,720
Yes, because he
looks like a pig,

1756
01:14:10,760 --> 01:14:11,960
and he makes you
want to vomit.

1757
01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:12,960
He's Pig Vomit.

1758
01:14:13,040 --> 01:14:14,280
Anyway, Pig Vomit
says to me,

1759
01:14:14,360 --> 01:14:16,040
"This is not WNBC.

1760
01:14:16,120 --> 01:14:19,520
It is WNBC,
WNBC,"

1761
01:14:19,600 --> 01:14:21,280
and I was not saying
the call letters right.

1762
01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:22,600
It's a big problem,

1763
01:14:22,680 --> 01:14:24,960
so in order
to rectify this,

1764
01:14:25,040 --> 01:14:27,240
I brought in a cup
of Blackswell's semen.

1765
01:14:27,320 --> 01:14:28,920
Semen?

1766
01:14:29,000 --> 01:14:30,240
I squoze it myself.

1767
01:14:30,280 --> 01:14:31,880
I hope it's
not too tangy.

1768
01:14:31,960 --> 01:14:32,960
And what are you
gonna do with it?

1769
01:14:33,080 --> 01:14:34,520
I'm gonna gargle
with this

1770
01:14:34,600 --> 01:14:36,320
and say the call letters over
and over again until I get it right.

1771
01:14:36,400 --> 01:14:37,640
You think
that'll work?

1772
01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:40,000
I don't care, 'cause I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.

1773
01:14:41,800 --> 01:14:43,200
All right, if I could
have some music now.

1774
01:14:43,280 --> 01:14:45,240
Mr. Engineer, please,
some music.

1775
01:14:45,320 --> 01:14:47,440
Would you, please?
Would you give us a record,

1776
01:14:47,520 --> 01:14:48,440
por favor?

1777
01:14:49,720 --> 01:14:51,400
OK, thank you.

1778
01:14:51,440 --> 01:14:53,840
Now watch and learn.

1779
01:14:53,920 --> 01:14:55,640
# La la la
la la la #

1780
01:15:01,640 --> 01:15:02,600
There she blows.

1781
01:15:05,640 --> 01:15:08,120
Oh. Can you believe it?

1782
01:15:08,240 --> 01:15:09,600
You just swallowed.

1783
01:15:09,680 --> 01:15:11,240
I swallowed.
Oh, my God.

1784
01:15:11,360 --> 01:15:12,880
Waste not,
want not, Robin.

1785
01:15:12,960 --> 01:15:14,240
Oh!

1786
01:15:14,320 --> 01:15:18,680
I wanna say I love
WNBC.

1787
01:15:18,760 --> 01:15:20,000
See? It worked.
I can say it.

1788
01:15:20,080 --> 01:15:22,000
WNBC.

1789
01:15:24,840 --> 01:15:30,760
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.

1790
01:15:30,840 --> 01:15:32,360
Record:
# Stop it now... #

1791
01:15:35,040 --> 01:15:38,240
So we gave them
some characters, right?

1792
01:15:41,840 --> 01:15:42,760
Get in.

1793
01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:53,480
You goddamn
motherfuckers.

1794
01:15:53,520 --> 01:15:55,040
You fucking waltz
in here,

1795
01:15:55,160 --> 01:15:57,160
and you think you know
everything, don't you?

1796
01:15:57,280 --> 01:15:59,680
Well, I fucking worked
my fucking ass off

1797
01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:01,200
to get to
New York City,

1798
01:16:01,240 --> 01:16:02,640
and you sure as fuck

1799
01:16:02,680 --> 01:16:05,440
are not gonna fucking
blow it for me!

1800
01:16:05,520 --> 01:16:06,440
I was just
doing character...

1801
01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:07,440
Barry, Jerry,

1802
01:16:07,520 --> 01:16:09,840
clarify the situation
for him, please.

1803
01:16:09,880 --> 01:16:11,840
Page 108,
paragraph 3:

1804
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:13,600
"No jokes dealing
with flatulence,

1805
01:16:13,680 --> 01:16:15,880
"excretion, urination,
ejaculation,

1806
01:16:15,920 --> 01:16:17,320
or other
bodily functions."

1807
01:16:17,360 --> 01:16:18,600
Also note paragraph 2:

1808
01:16:18,680 --> 01:16:20,480
"No use of the so-called
7 dirty words.

1809
01:16:20,560 --> 01:16:21,960
"These are cocksucker,
motherfucker,

1810
01:16:22,040 --> 01:16:24,160
fuck, shit, cunt,
cock, and pussy."

1811
01:16:24,240 --> 01:16:27,200
Now, from now on,
all your little bits

1812
01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:29,640
are gonna be under
2 minutes in duration,

1813
01:16:29,720 --> 01:16:33,160
and all scripts...
and I do mean all scripts...

1814
01:16:33,240 --> 01:16:35,000
require
my personal approval.

1815
01:16:35,080 --> 01:16:37,280
Welcome to NBC, Howard.

1816
01:16:37,360 --> 01:16:40,800
# 66, WNBC #

1817
01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:44,560
It's time for
The Match Game.

1818
01:16:45,760 --> 01:16:47,560
And thank you,
Mr. Announcer.

1819
01:16:47,680 --> 01:16:50,520
Hi, everybody.
My name is Gene Sternburn,

1820
01:16:50,560 --> 01:16:53,520
and welcome
to Match Game.

1821
01:16:53,560 --> 01:16:55,320
We have a lot of excitement
in the air today

1822
01:16:55,360 --> 01:16:57,200
because we have
some great panelists.

1823
01:16:57,280 --> 01:16:59,200
Let me introduce you
to everybody.

1824
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:00,920
First of all, I want to
introduce all of you

1825
01:17:01,000 --> 01:17:03,560
to a very, very charming
and beautiful lady,

1826
01:17:03,640 --> 01:17:05,440
the very beautiful
Miss Brett Somers.

1827
01:17:05,520 --> 01:17:06,440
How are you, baby?

1828
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:07,760
Hi, Gene.

1829
01:17:07,840 --> 01:17:09,880
Hygiene, that's something
I don't think you have.

1830
01:17:10,000 --> 01:17:11,440
Hey, back off.

1831
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:14,560
OK, and let's now go over
to somebody who I really admire,

1832
01:17:14,680 --> 01:17:17,200
the ex-president of
the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.

1833
01:17:17,280 --> 01:17:18,680
Hello, everybody. Hello.

1834
01:17:18,760 --> 01:17:20,840
I'm very, very honored
right now

1835
01:17:20,920 --> 01:17:23,920
to introduce to all of you
a very special man.

1836
01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:26,480
He's come all the way
to our show for the first time.

1837
01:17:26,560 --> 01:17:29,000
Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"
Martling.

1838
01:17:29,080 --> 01:17:30,760
Well, thank you, Gene.
That's very nice of you.

1839
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:32,440
Let's play our game now,
OK? Shall we?

1840
01:17:32,560 --> 01:17:35,400
And what we're gonna do is ask you
to fill in the blank, OK?

1841
01:17:35,480 --> 01:17:37,400
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.

1842
01:17:37,440 --> 01:17:39,800
Our first clue up is...

1843
01:17:39,880 --> 01:17:41,600
blank willow.

1844
01:17:41,680 --> 01:17:43,640
Blank willow.

1845
01:17:45,160 --> 01:17:46,680
Let's go over to
Miss Brett Somers right now.

1846
01:17:46,800 --> 01:17:49,200
Now, Brett, what did you
have for us? Blank willow.

1847
01:17:49,280 --> 01:17:51,720
The only thing
on my mind, Gene,

1848
01:17:51,840 --> 01:17:52,760
was pussy.

1849
01:17:52,840 --> 01:17:54,600
Uh-oh.

1850
01:17:54,640 --> 01:17:56,360
Pussy. Hey, all right.

1851
01:17:56,480 --> 01:17:57,760
Hey, that's kind of wild.

1852
01:17:57,840 --> 01:17:59,480
Pussy willow, that's
what I would have said.

1853
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:01,920
All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,
former president of the United States.

1854
01:18:01,960 --> 01:18:03,400
What did you have?
Blank willow.

1855
01:18:03,480 --> 01:18:05,000
In any language, pussy.

1856
01:18:05,120 --> 01:18:06,960
All right!

1857
01:18:07,040 --> 01:18:08,400
Now let's go
to our newest member

1858
01:18:08,480 --> 01:18:09,720
of the panel,

1859
01:18:09,800 --> 01:18:13,760
Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"
Martling. Blank willow.

1860
01:18:13,840 --> 01:18:15,320
Well, Gene, I didn't
write it too neat,

1861
01:18:15,440 --> 01:18:16,880
so I have
a sloppy pussy.

1862
01:18:16,960 --> 01:18:18,360
Sloppy pussy!

1863
01:18:18,440 --> 01:18:20,640
We had a sloppy and a fuzzy
pussy and a very big one.

1864
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,200
Are we talking
about Brett again?

1865
01:18:22,280 --> 01:18:24,200
All right, now,
Let's keep going.

1866
01:18:24,280 --> 01:18:26,160
Now it's gonna get
a little rougher, OK?

1867
01:18:26,240 --> 01:18:27,520
Everybody ready?

1868
01:18:27,600 --> 01:18:30,120
Blank a-doodle-doo.

1869
01:18:30,240 --> 01:18:31,280
Blank a-doodle-doo.

1870
01:18:32,400 --> 01:18:33,680
Blank a-doodle-doo.

1871
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:35,920
Think about that while
the celebrities are writing.

1872
01:18:36,040 --> 01:18:37,840
Here we are. Let's go over
to our Dick Nixon,

1873
01:18:37,920 --> 01:18:39,320
our own ex-president.
What do you got there, Dick?

1874
01:18:39,400 --> 01:18:41,920
Well, it takes a Dick to know
a cock, and that's what I wrote.

1875
01:18:42,000 --> 01:18:44,000
Cock-a-doodle-doo.

1876
01:18:44,120 --> 01:18:45,440
Now, that's what
I would have said.

1877
01:18:45,520 --> 01:18:47,080
That seemed
like the obvious answer.

1878
01:18:47,200 --> 01:18:48,720
OK, let's go to our own
Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.

1879
01:18:48,840 --> 01:18:49,760
Jackie The Jokeman?

1880
01:18:49,840 --> 01:18:51,920
Gene, I have cock,
and I wrote it big.

1881
01:18:52,040 --> 01:18:53,360
I have a big cock.

1882
01:18:53,440 --> 01:18:55,880
Uh, I don't think you can
say "big cock" on the radio.

1883
01:18:55,960 --> 01:18:57,040
I think that's a no-no.

1884
01:18:57,120 --> 01:18:58,600
But I just said pussy.

1885
01:18:58,680 --> 01:18:59,640
Yeah, she
just said pussy.

1886
01:18:59,720 --> 01:19:02,000
Yes, pussy is OK.
It's the way he says it.

1887
01:19:02,080 --> 01:19:04,440
"Big cock" coming out of
your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

1888
01:19:04,520 --> 01:19:06,440
So I can't say
"big cock,"

1889
01:19:06,520 --> 01:19:08,480
but you can say "big cock
coming out of my mouth"?

1890
01:19:08,560 --> 01:19:10,040
- That's correct.
- That sucks.

1891
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:13,520
Did you just say, "big cock
coming out of your mouth sucks"?

1892
01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:15,640
All right,
enough of this nonsense.

1893
01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:17,440
We gotta move
to Miss Brett Somers.

1894
01:19:17,560 --> 01:19:19,800
Just like the boys,
Gene, I've got cock.

1895
01:19:19,880 --> 01:19:22,240
There it is, cock-a-doo...
do me a favor

1896
01:19:22,280 --> 01:19:24,400
and hold that up
so I can see your cock.

1897
01:19:24,480 --> 01:19:26,800
Aw, Gene, don't
have...

1898
01:19:26,880 --> 01:19:29,480
All right, there it is.
Cock, cock, cock.

1899
01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:32,520
I must tell you, though,
we have to end this fun right now.

1900
01:19:32,600 --> 01:19:34,440
I want to thank all of you.
Give yourselves a big hand.

1901
01:19:38,520 --> 01:19:41,360
OK, let's have
a little music, Phil.

1902
01:19:41,440 --> 01:19:44,520
You did not have permission
to do that bit.

1903
01:19:44,600 --> 01:19:46,680
I never approved that script,
God damn it, Howard!

1904
01:19:46,760 --> 01:19:48,720
Wait a second.
Calm down, OK, Kenny?

1905
01:19:48,840 --> 01:19:50,200
There's a perfectly
good explanation.

1906
01:19:50,280 --> 01:19:52,000
I'm all ears, Howard.
Let's hear it.

1907
01:19:52,120 --> 01:19:54,720
I gave the script
to Fred.

1908
01:19:54,840 --> 01:19:57,280
And I gave it to Robin over there.

1909
01:19:57,400 --> 01:20:00,280
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Kenny.

1910
01:20:00,360 --> 01:20:01,480
I forgot to put it
in your box.

1911
01:20:01,600 --> 01:20:03,080
There you go.
Perfectly good explanation.

1912
01:20:03,200 --> 01:20:05,160
It'll never happen again,
Kenny.

1913
01:20:05,280 --> 01:20:08,000
You're goddamn right she's never
gonna do it again. You're fired.

1914
01:20:08,080 --> 01:20:09,080
What?

1915
01:20:09,200 --> 01:20:11,280
Gather your things together,
Robin. Let's go.

1916
01:20:11,360 --> 01:20:13,280
Wait a second, Kenny.
What are you talking about?

1917
01:20:13,360 --> 01:20:14,920
She had nothing
to do with the bit.

1918
01:20:15,040 --> 01:20:16,080
It was all me.

1919
01:20:16,160 --> 01:20:17,400
Pack up your shit.
I'm not kidding. Let's go.

1920
01:20:17,520 --> 01:20:19,720
Kenny, you can't blame
someone over one lousy bit.

1921
01:20:19,800 --> 01:20:21,000
You can't go firing them.

1922
01:20:21,120 --> 01:20:23,600
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.

1923
01:20:23,720 --> 01:20:25,200
Robin, get the fuck out!

1924
01:20:25,320 --> 01:20:27,160
# ... A boy could give you #

1925
01:20:27,240 --> 01:20:28,640
# Take my tears and... #

1926
01:20:28,720 --> 01:20:30,080
Listen to me.
Listen to me.

1927
01:20:30,160 --> 01:20:31,920
If you give me
a couple of days,

1928
01:20:32,000 --> 01:20:33,520
I know I can get you
back on the air.

1929
01:20:33,640 --> 01:20:35,000
Forget it.

1930
01:20:35,080 --> 01:20:36,760
They're trying to break us apart.
They're trying to beat us.

1931
01:20:36,880 --> 01:20:38,800
That's the whole point.
You and Fred should quit,

1932
01:20:38,880 --> 01:20:40,240
and we should go
somewhere else.

1933
01:20:40,320 --> 01:20:42,600
Quit? If I quit,
they win.

1934
01:20:42,680 --> 01:20:45,000
Don't you see? I don't want them to win.
I can't quit.

1935
01:20:45,080 --> 01:20:46,520
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.

1936
01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:48,280
You're gonna let 'em
throw me out like garbage?

1937
01:20:48,360 --> 01:20:50,400
No. I want to beat these guys,
stomp them into the ground.

1938
01:20:50,520 --> 01:20:52,520
The only way to do that
is to stay on the air.

1939
01:20:52,600 --> 01:20:53,760
I've gotta stay
on the air, Robin.

1940
01:20:53,880 --> 01:20:54,800
You're pathetic.

1941
01:20:54,880 --> 01:20:56,040
I'm not pathetic.

1942
01:20:56,160 --> 01:20:58,160
Just give me a couple of days
to make them understand.

1943
01:20:58,280 --> 01:20:59,960
I can convince these guys
to bring you back.

1944
01:21:00,040 --> 01:21:02,080
I know I can do that.
I have that ability.

1945
01:21:02,200 --> 01:21:03,480
Fuck you.

1946
01:21:03,560 --> 01:21:04,920
They're gonna hire you back.
How can you say "fuck you"?

1947
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:08,080
Hey, move it,
asshole!

1948
01:21:08,200 --> 01:21:09,760
She hates me. She thinks
I'm total scum.

1949
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:11,280
She thinks
I'm lower than scum.

1950
01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:13,720
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.

1951
01:21:13,800 --> 01:21:15,200
Well, what do you think?

1952
01:21:17,160 --> 01:21:19,960
I think you've been loyal
to every person you've ever worked with.

1953
01:21:20,040 --> 01:21:21,960
That's the way you are,
you know?

1954
01:21:22,000 --> 01:21:24,080
You'll find a way
to get her back.

1955
01:21:25,680 --> 01:21:27,360
In fact,
I feel sorry for NBC,

1956
01:21:27,440 --> 01:21:28,840
because as soon
as you start in on them,

1957
01:21:28,960 --> 01:21:30,960
they're gonna be sorry they ever
fired her in the first place.

1958
01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:32,960
You're right.

1959
01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:34,360
I know.

1960
01:21:34,440 --> 01:21:39,760
Howard, Fred, I'd like you
to meet your new newsman,

1961
01:21:39,840 --> 01:21:41,320
Ross Buckingham.

1962
01:21:41,440 --> 01:21:43,240
Hi. Pleasure.

1963
01:21:43,280 --> 01:21:45,240
I'm looking forward
to joining the team.

1964
01:21:45,280 --> 01:21:47,040
Now, old Ross here's
quite lively,

1965
01:21:47,120 --> 01:21:48,240
and I think he'll
fit in well

1966
01:21:48,320 --> 01:21:49,480
with your special
brand of humor.

1967
01:21:49,560 --> 01:21:51,520
As a matter of fact,

1968
01:21:51,560 --> 01:21:54,680
I'm a bit of
an old comedy man myself.

1969
01:21:54,760 --> 01:21:57,840
I've done quite a bit
of light comedy in my younger years.

1970
01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,480
Summer stock... mostly.

1971
01:22:02,440 --> 01:22:05,600
Hundreds of people gathered
in Central Park this afternoon

1972
01:22:05,720 --> 01:22:07,680
to remember former Beatle
John Lennon,

1973
01:22:07,760 --> 01:22:10,440
who was murdered 2 years ago
today. Lennon's killer...

1974
01:22:10,560 --> 01:22:12,040
Hey, let me
ask you something, Ross.

1975
01:22:12,080 --> 01:22:13,560
Were you a Beatles fan?

1976
01:22:13,640 --> 01:22:17,320
Uh... y-yes,
I... I was, once.

1977
01:22:17,440 --> 01:22:19,880
Lennon's killer,
Mark David Chapman...

1978
01:22:19,920 --> 01:22:22,920
Now, Mark David Chapman, now,
there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.

1979
01:22:23,040 --> 01:22:24,920
Mark David Chapman,
what do you make of him?

1980
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:27,880
I mean, he's probably in a prison cell
right now enjoying himself.

1981
01:22:27,920 --> 01:22:31,520
I say electrocute him. You gotta be
with that program, huh, Ross?

1982
01:22:31,600 --> 01:22:33,520
I hope this was a good idea.

1983
01:22:33,600 --> 01:22:36,000
Ross: Uh, I think
we're supposed

1984
01:22:36,080 --> 01:22:37,760
to be having
the news now.

1985
01:22:37,880 --> 01:22:39,680
Howard: Forget that.
Just repeat after me, Ross.

1986
01:22:39,760 --> 01:22:41,440
I want to kill
Mark David Chapman.

1987
01:22:43,120 --> 01:22:45,120
# 66 #

1988
01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:48,080
# WNBC #

1989
01:22:48,160 --> 01:22:49,840
Are we ready in there,
Freddy Boy?

1990
01:22:49,920 --> 01:22:52,200
OK. We've got our next
phone call to Ross.

1991
01:22:52,280 --> 01:22:53,560
Guess who's
on the phone with us.

1992
01:22:53,640 --> 01:22:55,120
I really have no idea.

1993
01:22:55,240 --> 01:22:58,000
Just take a wild guess.
Do it right off the top of your head.

1994
01:22:58,080 --> 01:22:59,880
Um...

1995
01:22:59,960 --> 01:23:01,680
This is a good one.
It's a good mystery guest.

1996
01:23:01,760 --> 01:23:03,760
Um...

1997
01:23:03,880 --> 01:23:05,800
What an ad-libber, Ross.

1998
01:23:05,880 --> 01:23:07,840
All right, I don't want to
put you under too much pressure.

1999
01:23:07,960 --> 01:23:09,240
Hi. Is this
Betty Jean Rushton?

2000
01:23:09,320 --> 01:23:10,280
Yes, it is.

2001
01:23:10,360 --> 01:23:11,960
Betty Jean, hi.
It's Howard Stern,

2002
01:23:12,040 --> 01:23:12,960
WNBC.

2003
01:23:13,040 --> 01:23:14,560
I work with
your husband Kenny.

2004
01:23:14,680 --> 01:23:16,520
Yes. Kenny's
mentioned you.

2005
01:23:16,600 --> 01:23:17,880
Oh, I bet Kenny has.

2006
01:23:17,960 --> 01:23:20,640
The reason I'm calling
is because your husband

2007
01:23:20,760 --> 01:23:22,880
has been very bitchy
around here lately,

2008
01:23:22,960 --> 01:23:26,040
and I'm thinking that maybe
if you gave him some more sex...

2009
01:23:26,160 --> 01:23:27,560
More sex?

2010
01:23:27,640 --> 01:23:30,120
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?

2011
01:23:30,200 --> 01:23:33,280
Yes. You know, you might
be right about that, Howard.

2012
01:23:33,400 --> 01:23:34,800
Oh, really?
I am right.

2013
01:23:34,880 --> 01:23:36,360
Howard!

2014
01:23:36,520 --> 01:23:38,240
You ever do that again,
I'll kill you.

2015
01:23:38,320 --> 01:23:40,480
I need Robin.
She's the anchor on the show.

2016
01:23:40,560 --> 01:23:41,600
That's
what's missing.

2017
01:23:41,680 --> 01:23:42,960
You have violated
my wife.

2018
01:23:43,040 --> 01:23:44,000
I did not.

2019
01:23:44,040 --> 01:23:46,200
You soiled the sanctity
of my home!

2020
01:23:46,280 --> 01:23:47,840
What are you saying?
I didn't do anything.

2021
01:23:47,920 --> 01:23:49,160
I wouldn't even be
doing bits like that

2022
01:23:49,240 --> 01:23:50,640
if Robin was with me.

2023
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,600
I never would have even
called his wife on the air

2024
01:23:52,640 --> 01:23:53,600
if I had Robin
sitting there.

2025
01:23:53,680 --> 01:23:54,880
She's the voice
of reason.

2026
01:23:54,960 --> 01:23:57,880
You know what?
You know what you are, Stern?

2027
01:23:57,960 --> 01:23:59,400
You're the Antichrist.

2028
01:23:59,480 --> 01:24:00,920
- What?
- Yes, that's what you are!

2029
01:24:01,000 --> 01:24:04,000
You are the motherfucking
Antichrist!

2030
01:24:04,080 --> 01:24:06,320
Kenny, take it easy.

2031
01:24:13,920 --> 01:24:16,400
Well, this is an exciting day
for us here in the studio

2032
01:24:16,480 --> 01:24:17,880
because we have a stage star
with us.

2033
01:24:17,960 --> 01:24:19,840
This is Donna Porter
with us on the show,

2034
01:24:19,920 --> 01:24:22,800
and she's here to talk
about life in the theater,

2035
01:24:22,840 --> 01:24:24,400
and, Donna, I don't know
if you know this,

2036
01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:26,600
but our own news guy
Ross Buckingham

2037
01:24:26,680 --> 01:24:29,320
actually has some theater experience
as well, don't you, Ross?

2038
01:24:29,400 --> 01:24:32,080
Do you want to tell us
about that?

2039
01:24:32,160 --> 01:24:35,000
Yes. Um... I once did
some summer stock.

2040
01:24:35,080 --> 01:24:36,320
I know you're very,
very proud

2041
01:24:36,400 --> 01:24:37,880
of your summer stock
experience.

2042
01:24:37,920 --> 01:24:39,280
When you went on stage
the very first time,

2043
01:24:39,360 --> 01:24:40,320
did you ever
get nervous?

2044
01:24:40,360 --> 01:24:44,360
No, I was...
quite comfortable.

2045
01:24:44,440 --> 01:24:46,120
Howard: I see.
That's very interesting.

2046
01:24:46,200 --> 01:24:47,600
Then, in 1926,

2047
01:24:47,680 --> 01:24:50,840
General Sarnoff
formed NBC radio,

2048
01:24:50,920 --> 01:24:52,560
America's first network.

2049
01:24:52,640 --> 01:24:55,640
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous

2050
01:24:55,720 --> 01:24:58,840
the first time I was ever
on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.

2051
01:24:58,920 --> 01:25:00,400
Now, why is that?

2052
01:25:00,480 --> 01:25:02,040
Can I show you?

2053
01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:05,640
Sure. I think we'd like
to see what you have.

2054
01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:08,160
Right now, you're getting
a look at a live broadcast

2055
01:25:08,240 --> 01:25:09,280
of The Howard Stern
Show.

2056
01:25:09,360 --> 01:25:10,520
That's about 13 inches,

2057
01:25:10,600 --> 01:25:12,680
and you're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa,

2058
01:25:12,760 --> 01:25:13,880
and you're putting it
in your mouth,

2059
01:25:13,960 --> 01:25:15,720
and you're jamming
the kielbasa

2060
01:25:15,760 --> 01:25:17,240
all the way down
your throat.

2061
01:25:17,320 --> 01:25:18,560
Oh, my God.
Look at that.

2062
01:25:18,640 --> 01:25:21,240
The entire kielbasa
is going down.

2063
01:25:21,320 --> 01:25:24,240
She has swallowed an entire
13-inch kielbasa.

2064
01:25:24,320 --> 01:25:27,800
Look at that.
A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.

2065
01:25:27,880 --> 01:25:30,240
Wow. You gotta
love that, folks.

2066
01:25:30,280 --> 01:25:32,840
You gotta love it,
don't you, Ross? Ho ho.

2067
01:25:32,920 --> 01:25:34,880
Ross Buckingham,
have you ever seen a woman

2068
01:25:34,960 --> 01:25:36,920
swallow
an entire 13-inch kielbasa?

2069
01:25:37,000 --> 01:25:38,080
When you were
in the theater,

2070
01:25:38,200 --> 01:25:39,360
did you ever work
with a kielbasa?

2071
01:25:39,440 --> 01:25:40,920
What he did to me today

2072
01:25:41,000 --> 01:25:45,480
was the most unprofessional
and insulting experience of my life.

2073
01:25:45,520 --> 01:25:48,840
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.

2074
01:25:48,920 --> 01:25:51,160
If you want to fire me,
fire me. Go ahead.

2075
01:25:51,240 --> 01:25:54,200
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer.

2076
01:25:56,600 --> 01:25:57,720
Good day.

2077
01:25:59,320 --> 01:26:02,600
OK, it's 5:35 at WNBC.

2078
01:26:02,640 --> 01:26:03,640
Time for the news.

2079
01:26:03,680 --> 01:26:05,280
I'm not real good
at this, I confess,

2080
01:26:05,360 --> 01:26:07,560
but I'm trying...

2081
01:26:07,640 --> 01:26:09,600
Who the fuck
are we gonna get?

2082
01:26:09,680 --> 01:26:12,520
Beats me. No one wants
to work with him.

2083
01:26:12,600 --> 01:26:14,840
Is it Monaco or Mon aco?

2084
01:26:15,960 --> 01:26:17,800
Monaco?

2085
01:26:17,880 --> 01:26:19,880
That's what I thought.
Monaco.

2086
01:26:19,960 --> 01:26:21,240
Well, anyway, she's dead.

2087
01:26:21,320 --> 01:26:22,920
You know,
I'm thinking about...

2088
01:26:22,960 --> 01:26:24,760
What about Kelly Landers?

2089
01:26:24,840 --> 01:26:26,920
Absolutely refuses.

2090
01:26:27,000 --> 01:26:27,920
Says she'd rather quit.

2091
01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:29,760
I have a theory
that he is the one

2092
01:26:29,800 --> 01:26:31,360
who cut the brakes
on the car.

2093
01:26:31,400 --> 01:26:33,880
Now, I could be crazy, but I figure
a guy who's been married

2094
01:26:33,960 --> 01:26:36,840
as long as Prince Reindeer
is ready for a new wife.

2095
01:26:36,920 --> 01:26:38,920
I mean, Princess Grace...
beautiful woman and all that...

2096
01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:40,680
but she was losing
her looks. Let's be honest.

2097
01:26:40,760 --> 01:26:41,880
There were bags
under those eyes.

2098
01:26:41,960 --> 01:26:43,400
In other news,

2099
01:26:43,480 --> 01:26:46,120
One of Italy's
highest-ranking police officials,

2100
01:26:46,200 --> 01:26:48,160
General Alberto DeCarlo...

2101
01:26:48,240 --> 01:26:52,720
Kenny, we're one of the biggest
radio stations in America.

2102
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:54,520
We can't just
not do the news.

2103
01:26:54,600 --> 01:26:56,240
My program director
Pig Vomit

2104
01:26:56,320 --> 01:26:59,520
gets assassinated
by Sicilians in Palermo.

2105
01:26:59,600 --> 01:27:01,000
Wouldn't that be wonderful?

2106
01:27:01,080 --> 01:27:02,840
I want to pray to God
right now.

2107
01:27:02,920 --> 01:27:04,560
Jesus Christ,
who I love so much,

2108
01:27:04,600 --> 01:27:06,040
more than anything
in the whole world,

2109
01:27:06,120 --> 01:27:08,160
I am begging you,
please...

2110
01:27:08,240 --> 01:27:10,800
send a hitman to
the United States of America

2111
01:27:10,840 --> 01:27:12,400
to kill Pig Vomit finally.

2112
01:27:12,480 --> 01:27:13,800
Thank you. I love you, God.

2113
01:27:13,880 --> 01:27:15,760
I'll do whatever you say
if you just make that come true.

2114
01:27:17,080 --> 01:27:20,200
# Howard Stern, WNBC #

2115
01:27:20,480 --> 01:27:24,000
So if we bring Robin back,
you'll behave?

2116
01:27:24,080 --> 01:27:26,320
Absolutely.
Robin's my anchor.

2117
01:27:26,360 --> 01:27:27,560
You can't trust him.

2118
01:27:27,640 --> 01:27:28,720
Kenny,
that's not fair.

2119
01:27:28,800 --> 01:27:32,160
And quite frankly,
I'm just a little bit hurt

2120
01:27:32,200 --> 01:27:35,320
that you're so incapable
of being supportive.

2121
01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:39,280
And, Vin, please, if
you hire Robin back,

2122
01:27:39,360 --> 01:27:40,960
I promise you
you won't be sorry.

2123
01:27:41,040 --> 01:27:42,480
You have my word.

2124
01:27:50,800 --> 01:27:51,720
Thank you.

2125
01:27:55,240 --> 01:27:57,280
We hate noise.
Isn't that right, Jerry?

2126
01:27:57,360 --> 01:27:58,800
Yeah. Makes me nuts.

2127
01:27:58,880 --> 01:28:00,320
No, it's
a very quiet street.

2128
01:28:00,360 --> 01:28:01,840
You're gonna like it here.

2129
01:28:03,160 --> 01:28:04,440
Excuse me for a second.

2130
01:28:05,800 --> 01:28:07,120
You're back.
I got you back.

2131
01:28:07,200 --> 01:28:08,240
It's a miracle
of all miracles.

2132
01:28:08,360 --> 01:28:09,600
I can't talk right now.

2133
01:28:09,680 --> 01:28:11,240
Oh, hello.
How are you?

2134
01:28:11,320 --> 01:28:13,360
I even got you an office.
You're all set.

2135
01:28:13,440 --> 01:28:14,800
I'm showing
my apartment now.

2136
01:28:14,880 --> 01:28:16,360
You're looking
at this apartment?

2137
01:28:16,440 --> 01:28:18,080
Let me tell you something.
There are roaches the size of dogs here.

2138
01:28:18,160 --> 01:28:19,600
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me.

2139
01:28:19,680 --> 01:28:21,760
It is disgusting.
Take a look behind the fireplace.

2140
01:28:21,840 --> 01:28:23,880
You'll see. Excuse me.
I'll come back and tell you.

2141
01:28:23,960 --> 01:28:26,080
What the hell do you
think you're doing?

2142
01:28:26,160 --> 01:28:28,040
Robin, you got your job back,
so what's the problem?

2143
01:28:28,120 --> 01:28:30,120
The problem is that
when I needed you,

2144
01:28:30,200 --> 01:28:31,360
you didn't stand
behind me.

2145
01:28:31,440 --> 01:28:33,080
Robin, those guys are assholes.
They screwed you,

2146
01:28:33,160 --> 01:28:35,400
and they screwed me. We gotta
get back in there and beat them.

2147
01:28:35,480 --> 01:28:37,120
We were supposed
to be a team.

2148
01:28:37,200 --> 01:28:38,560
We are a team,
for God's sakes.

2149
01:28:38,600 --> 01:28:40,120
We're gonna be the greatest team
in the history of radio.

2150
01:28:41,440 --> 01:28:42,800
Come on.
What's the big deal?

2151
01:28:42,840 --> 01:28:46,160
Look at me, Robin.
Robin...

2152
01:28:46,240 --> 01:28:47,160
See this?

2153
01:28:47,240 --> 01:28:48,480
Look what I'm doing.

2154
01:28:48,560 --> 01:28:49,720
You know what I'm doing?
I'm begging you.

2155
01:28:49,800 --> 01:28:51,240
I'm begging you.

2156
01:28:51,320 --> 01:28:52,800
I'm serious.

2157
01:28:52,880 --> 01:28:54,240
Come here.
I'm gonna kiss your feet.

2158
01:28:54,280 --> 01:28:55,360
Look at these gams.

2159
01:28:55,440 --> 01:28:56,640
Look at these feet.

2160
01:28:56,680 --> 01:28:58,400
I'm worshipping your foot.

2161
01:28:58,480 --> 01:28:59,720
Look at me, Robin.

2162
01:28:59,800 --> 01:29:01,160
What are you doing?

2163
01:29:01,240 --> 01:29:02,360
People are looking
at us.

2164
01:29:02,440 --> 01:29:04,520
I'm begging you to...
I'm liking it down here.

2165
01:29:04,600 --> 01:29:06,440
Hey, Robin,

2166
01:29:06,520 --> 01:29:08,680
you love this,
don't you?

2167
01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:09,920
It gives me
great pleasure now

2168
01:29:10,000 --> 01:29:11,240
to welcome back
on our show

2169
01:29:11,320 --> 01:29:13,760
the very beautiful,
multitalented...

2170
01:29:13,800 --> 01:29:16,080
uh, vivacious...

2171
01:29:16,160 --> 01:29:17,800
tight-sweatered...

2172
01:29:17,880 --> 01:29:20,960
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers. I love her.

2173
01:29:21,040 --> 01:29:22,760
Thank you.

2174
01:29:22,840 --> 01:29:25,000
May I say that you are
beautifully big-breasted again?

2175
01:29:25,080 --> 01:29:26,440
No.

2176
01:29:26,480 --> 01:29:28,920
Thank God you're back,
'cause the show sucked without you.

2177
01:29:29,000 --> 01:29:31,400
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you and...

2178
01:29:31,480 --> 01:29:32,400
Aww.

2179
01:29:32,480 --> 01:29:33,600
That I really do love you,

2180
01:29:33,680 --> 01:29:35,320
and I'm just
so glad you're back.

2181
01:29:35,400 --> 01:29:37,720
OK there, Mr. Rushton,

2182
01:29:37,760 --> 01:29:41,640
You pick up the phone,
and it rings right into my booth.

2183
01:29:41,720 --> 01:29:43,280
Good, but don't
answer it.

2184
01:29:43,360 --> 01:29:46,040
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,

2185
01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:48,240
dump out of the delay,
and go straight to a record.

2186
01:29:48,320 --> 01:29:49,440
That would be it,
sir.

2187
01:29:49,520 --> 01:29:52,600
Always have a record
ready to go.

2188
01:29:52,680 --> 01:29:54,160
Yes, sir.

2189
01:29:56,640 --> 01:29:59,920
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.

2190
01:30:00,080 --> 01:30:02,240
Oh, look at this, Robin.
This is unbelievable.

2191
01:30:02,280 --> 01:30:04,000
Oh, the underpants
are coming off.

2192
01:30:04,080 --> 01:30:07,320
That is the first naked lady
in the history of radio.

2193
01:30:07,360 --> 01:30:08,960
Sans panties, sans bra.

2194
01:30:09,040 --> 01:30:10,480
I am shocked.

2195
01:30:10,520 --> 01:30:11,960
So am I.
This is disgraceful.

2196
01:30:12,040 --> 01:30:13,080
We should be taken
off the air.

2197
01:30:13,160 --> 01:30:15,080
You've finally done it.

2198
01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:17,280
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art.
Did you know that?

2199
01:30:17,360 --> 01:30:18,280
Thank you, Howard.

2200
01:30:18,360 --> 01:30:19,480
Let me tell you
something.

2201
01:30:19,560 --> 01:30:21,840
Now, to ensure our place
in the history of radio,

2202
01:30:21,920 --> 01:30:24,560
Mandy has agreed to actually
get on the floor with me

2203
01:30:24,600 --> 01:30:26,160
and give me a massage
while she is nude.

2204
01:30:26,240 --> 01:30:28,760
What does a massage have to do
with making it into history?

2205
01:30:28,840 --> 01:30:30,800
Who knows? I don't know.
Massage, schmas.

2206
01:30:30,840 --> 01:30:31,800
I just gotta
get touched.

2207
01:30:31,840 --> 01:30:32,960
I can't wait, Howard.

2208
01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:34,000
You can't wait?

2209
01:30:34,080 --> 01:30:35,160
Let me tell you something...

2210
01:30:35,240 --> 01:30:37,480
I'm not kidding around...
You are beautiful,

2211
01:30:37,560 --> 01:30:39,000
and my thoughts
are right in the gutter.

2212
01:30:39,080 --> 01:30:40,360
You understand what I mean?

2213
01:30:40,400 --> 01:30:41,600
This is the Tudor,
right?

2214
01:30:41,680 --> 01:30:43,520
Center hall plan,
very traditional.

2215
01:30:43,560 --> 01:30:44,760
Naked Woman: I've been
thinking about you, too.

2216
01:30:44,840 --> 01:30:48,040
Only reason it's for sale
is they're divorcing.

2217
01:30:48,120 --> 01:30:51,960
Would you believe 80%% %
of my listings are from divorces?

2218
01:30:52,000 --> 01:30:53,200
Howard: Mmm.
For God's sakes.

2219
01:30:53,280 --> 01:30:54,640
Now, what do you suggest
we do here?

2220
01:30:54,720 --> 01:30:58,360
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?

2221
01:30:58,400 --> 01:31:00,200
I could do that.

2222
01:31:00,280 --> 01:31:01,200
All right.

2223
01:31:01,280 --> 01:31:02,640
I can't believe
my luck here.

2224
01:31:02,720 --> 01:31:04,320
Don't hurt yourself
getting over there.

2225
01:31:04,400 --> 01:31:05,320
I won't.

2226
01:31:05,400 --> 01:31:06,520
All right,
hold on a second.

2227
01:31:06,600 --> 01:31:09,200
Let me get
my cans on.

2228
01:31:09,280 --> 01:31:10,200
OK.

2229
01:31:10,280 --> 01:31:12,080
Ooh, you know what?
You know... Oh, man.

2230
01:31:12,160 --> 01:31:13,080
Let me soak you in.

2231
01:31:13,160 --> 01:31:14,360
Holy cow,
are you naked.

2232
01:31:14,440 --> 01:31:15,600
You know what I like
about you?

2233
01:31:15,680 --> 01:31:16,600
What?

2234
01:31:16,680 --> 01:31:17,680
I like that you're
the perfect height.

2235
01:31:17,760 --> 01:31:18,720
I could have sex
with you standing up.

2236
01:31:18,760 --> 01:31:20,400
Look at that. Ooh.

2237
01:31:20,440 --> 01:31:23,160
Robin:
Howard! You're married.

2238
01:31:23,240 --> 01:31:24,760
I am? I mean, I am.

2239
01:31:24,840 --> 01:31:26,120
Well, I'm not really
married anymore.

2240
01:31:26,160 --> 01:31:27,160
What do you mean?

2241
01:31:27,240 --> 01:31:28,560
Take a seat. I'll
Tell you what happened.

2242
01:31:28,640 --> 01:31:30,800
My wife was suffering from cancer...
I never told you this...

2243
01:31:30,880 --> 01:31:31,800
and she died last night.

2244
01:31:31,880 --> 01:31:33,360
I've been single
for exactly 6 hours.

2245
01:31:33,440 --> 01:31:35,240
Honey, if you're
up there now,

2246
01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:37,240
I know you can hear me,
and you're at God's side,

2247
01:31:37,320 --> 01:31:39,600
but I want you to cover
your ears and eyes.

2248
01:31:39,680 --> 01:31:41,160
Besides, you're married
to God now...

2249
01:31:41,280 --> 01:31:43,200
Your husband's
quite a character.

2250
01:31:43,280 --> 01:31:46,840
Only on the radio.
It's just an act.

2251
01:31:46,920 --> 01:31:49,840
Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever
touched me like this before.

2252
01:31:49,920 --> 01:31:50,880
Let me ask you
something.

2253
01:31:50,920 --> 01:31:52,080
You have the look
of love in your eyes,

2254
01:31:52,120 --> 01:31:54,320
but I'm an ugly man.
I know this.

2255
01:31:54,400 --> 01:31:56,160
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?

2256
01:31:56,240 --> 01:31:57,800
Physically, I am.

2257
01:31:57,880 --> 01:32:00,240
I mean, you're smart,
you're sexy.

2258
01:32:00,320 --> 01:32:02,280
Wait. Excuse me
for one minute. Robin...

2259
01:32:02,360 --> 01:32:03,480
I didn't say a thing.

2260
01:32:03,600 --> 01:32:06,560
Robin, go up to the cafeteria
and get some lunch.

2261
01:32:06,640 --> 01:32:07,840
Yeah, go ahead.
Tell me more about me.

2262
01:32:07,920 --> 01:32:08,960
You're funny.

2263
01:32:09,040 --> 01:32:11,800
You know what I would
do to you physically?

2264
01:32:11,840 --> 01:32:13,160
What would you do?

2265
01:32:13,240 --> 01:32:15,200
I don't know what I'd do,
but let me just say something.

2266
01:32:15,280 --> 01:32:17,280
Whatever it is,
it would last 3 seconds.

2267
01:32:17,360 --> 01:32:18,760
3 seconds,
I'd be finished.

2268
01:32:18,840 --> 01:32:21,800
We would have sex, like,
10 times a day. You would love it.

2269
01:32:21,880 --> 01:32:24,080
I kind of want to
wrap my legs around you.

2270
01:32:24,120 --> 01:32:25,080
You do?

2271
01:32:28,480 --> 01:32:31,040
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.

2272
01:32:31,120 --> 01:32:32,080
Mm-hmm.

2273
01:32:32,160 --> 01:32:34,120
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for...

2274
01:32:34,200 --> 01:32:35,400
are you ready for this?

2275
01:32:35,480 --> 01:32:37,320
An hour and 20 minutes.

2276
01:32:37,400 --> 01:32:38,520
How can that be?

2277
01:32:38,600 --> 01:32:40,000
Answer
most commonly given:

2278
01:32:40,080 --> 01:32:42,520
"I want to see
what he'll say next."

2279
01:32:42,600 --> 01:32:44,040
All right, OK, fine.

2280
01:32:44,080 --> 01:32:46,160
But what about the people
who hate Stern?

2281
01:32:46,240 --> 01:32:48,200
Good point.
The average Stern hater...

2282
01:32:48,320 --> 01:32:51,160
listens for
21/2 hours a day.

2283
01:32:54,000 --> 01:32:55,960
Look, but if they hate him,

2284
01:32:56,040 --> 01:32:57,360
why do they listen?

2285
01:32:57,440 --> 01:32:58,480
Most common answer:

2286
01:32:58,520 --> 01:33:00,440
"I want to see
what he'll say next."

2287
01:33:00,520 --> 01:33:02,320
- Kenny.
- Fucking twisted. What?

2288
01:33:02,400 --> 01:33:04,520
You'd better listen to this.

2289
01:33:04,640 --> 01:33:06,120
Howard: This is nice.
You wanna know something?

2290
01:33:06,160 --> 01:33:07,600
This is
the God's honest truth.

2291
01:33:07,680 --> 01:33:09,080
Come here.
I want to tell you closer.

2292
01:33:09,160 --> 01:33:12,560
I am fully aroused right now.
I am totally engorged.

2293
01:33:12,640 --> 01:33:13,520
Oh, my God.

2294
01:33:13,560 --> 01:33:14,800
Naked Woman:
Well, after the show,

2295
01:33:14,880 --> 01:33:17,720
why don't we go some place else
and see how it feels?

2296
01:33:17,800 --> 01:33:19,240
Really? That's great.

2297
01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:20,840
You know why I love you?
'Cause you're smart.

2298
01:33:20,920 --> 01:33:23,160
And you're practically a virgin, right?

2299
01:33:23,240 --> 01:33:24,880
Practically.

2300
01:33:24,960 --> 01:33:27,680
You have a sharp ass.

2301
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,680
I'm gonna be so honest
with you now.

2302
01:33:29,720 --> 01:33:31,360
I've never said this before.

2303
01:33:31,440 --> 01:33:33,160
I'm telling you,
I'm a full 21/2 inches,

2304
01:33:33,240 --> 01:33:35,360
and I've never been 21/2...
What's the music?

2305
01:33:35,440 --> 01:33:36,680
We're off the air.

2306
01:33:36,760 --> 01:33:38,680
Are we off the air?

2307
01:33:38,760 --> 01:33:42,120
Oh. Would you do me a favor?
Just stay right there, OK?

2308
01:33:42,200 --> 01:33:44,000
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing, man?

2309
01:33:44,040 --> 01:33:45,640
Look, Rushton told me,
this phone...

2310
01:33:45,720 --> 01:33:48,520
Oh, come on, man.
Don't listen to Kenny.

2311
01:33:48,600 --> 01:33:49,840
I'm just doing what
he told me, that's all.

2312
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:51,360
Shit, man, you don't
take me off the air

2313
01:33:51,440 --> 01:33:52,400
in the middle
of a fucking bit.

2314
01:33:52,480 --> 01:33:53,480
Come on.
Don't listen to Kenny.

2315
01:33:53,560 --> 01:33:54,600
You're supposed
to listen to me.

2316
01:33:54,680 --> 01:33:55,720
He's the boss.

2317
01:33:55,800 --> 01:33:58,560
Forget it.
You believe this?

2318
01:33:58,600 --> 01:33:59,880
What the hell
are they doing?

2319
01:34:02,000 --> 01:34:03,080
Yeah, hi.
Can I speak to Kenny?

2320
01:34:03,160 --> 01:34:05,120
It's Howard over
in the air studio.

2321
01:34:05,240 --> 01:34:06,200
Just hold the line.

2322
01:34:06,320 --> 01:34:07,280
As soon
as they get him on,

2323
01:34:07,400 --> 01:34:08,320
just keep him on the line.

2324
01:34:08,400 --> 01:34:09,760
Fred, get me back
on the air.

2325
01:34:09,800 --> 01:34:12,000
Just patch the phone call
onto the air, OK?

2326
01:34:12,080 --> 01:34:14,480
Just put it right through
as soon as you can.

2327
01:34:14,560 --> 01:34:15,720
Fuck, man.

2328
01:34:15,800 --> 01:34:19,200
# Oh, the canvas
can do miracles #

2329
01:34:19,240 --> 01:34:20,320
# Just you wait and see... #

2330
01:34:20,400 --> 01:34:22,040
Patch it in.

2331
01:34:22,120 --> 01:34:23,600
I said patch it in!

2332
01:34:27,440 --> 01:34:29,600
Yes, Robin, he's
running in right now.

2333
01:34:29,640 --> 01:34:31,760
Can I have the phone, please,
just for a second?

2334
01:34:31,840 --> 01:34:33,360
Hi, Robin.
We back on the air?

2335
01:34:33,480 --> 01:34:34,640
Robin: Yeah.
Everybody can hear.

2336
01:34:34,720 --> 01:34:36,200
OK, I'm right outside
Pig Vomit's office.

2337
01:34:36,320 --> 01:34:37,400
I'm gonna knock
on his door.

2338
01:34:37,480 --> 01:34:38,400
All right.

2339
01:34:38,480 --> 01:34:39,920
Hey, Pig Vomit.

2340
01:34:39,960 --> 01:34:41,800
Come on, Kenny.
Why don't you open up?

2341
01:34:41,880 --> 01:34:44,200
I want to know why
this guy had to cut my show off.

2342
01:34:44,280 --> 01:34:45,440
Come on, Pig Vomit.

2343
01:34:45,520 --> 01:34:46,720
Mr. Stern,
he's in a meeting.

2344
01:34:46,800 --> 01:34:47,880
I'd like to know
what meeting

2345
01:34:47,960 --> 01:34:49,120
is more important
than my show.

2346
01:34:49,200 --> 01:34:50,480
He took the show
right off the air.

2347
01:34:50,560 --> 01:34:52,840
What'd you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?

2348
01:34:52,920 --> 01:34:54,520
This isn't funny, Howard.

2349
01:34:54,600 --> 01:34:55,520
Oh, it's not funny?

2350
01:34:55,600 --> 01:34:56,920
What are you
talking about?

2351
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:58,000
I think
it's very funny.

2352
01:34:58,080 --> 01:34:59,080
How would you know
what's funny, anyway?

2353
01:34:59,200 --> 01:35:01,320
You're not bringing
that in here, Stern.

2354
01:35:01,400 --> 01:35:03,040
I don't see anybody
in here in a meeting, do you?

2355
01:35:03,080 --> 01:35:04,040
You gotta go.

2356
01:35:04,080 --> 01:35:05,040
Why would I have to go?

2357
01:35:05,080 --> 01:35:06,640
Why don't you explain
to my audience

2358
01:35:06,760 --> 01:35:07,720
why you had to
shut down the show?

2359
01:35:07,840 --> 01:35:09,320
I don't answer
to you, Stern.

2360
01:35:09,440 --> 01:35:11,120
Yes, you do,
you big idiot scumbag.

2361
01:35:11,200 --> 01:35:13,320
I'm your boss.
I'm your boss.

2362
01:35:13,400 --> 01:35:14,400
Hey, what's this?

2363
01:35:14,520 --> 01:35:17,200
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.

2364
01:35:17,280 --> 01:35:18,560
God damn it,
get out of here!

2365
01:35:18,600 --> 01:35:20,280
He hit me, Robin.
He's hitting me.

2366
01:35:20,360 --> 01:35:21,280
Robin: Hit him back.

2367
01:35:21,360 --> 01:35:23,240
I'm gonna
hit you back.

2368
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,120
I hit him back.
He hit...

2369
01:35:25,200 --> 01:35:26,600
You're not getting
the phone from me, Kenny.

2370
01:35:26,640 --> 01:35:27,600
Gimme the damn phone.

2371
01:35:27,640 --> 01:35:28,640
No!

2372
01:35:28,680 --> 01:35:29,640
Oh!

2373
01:35:29,680 --> 01:35:30,880
Oh, my God, Robin.

2374
01:35:30,960 --> 01:35:33,120
Kenny just hit himself
in the face. He's bleeding.

2375
01:35:33,200 --> 01:35:34,160
Give that to me.

2376
01:35:34,240 --> 01:35:35,600
Hey, come on.

2377
01:35:35,680 --> 01:35:36,640
Oh!

2378
01:35:36,680 --> 01:35:38,200
Robin: Oh, goodness,
what's going on?

2379
01:35:38,280 --> 01:35:39,600
Vince just got hit
by Kenny.

2380
01:35:39,680 --> 01:35:40,800
God damn it, Stern!

2381
01:35:40,880 --> 01:35:43,200
You look! See that?!
Blood, Stern!

2382
01:35:43,280 --> 01:35:44,960
- Are you OK?
- No!

2383
01:35:45,040 --> 01:35:45,960
Broke my nose!

2384
01:35:46,040 --> 01:35:47,320
It wasn't my fault.

2385
01:35:47,360 --> 01:35:48,400
I'll sue your ass!

2386
01:35:48,520 --> 01:35:49,480
Get out of here!

2387
01:35:51,400 --> 01:35:52,360
Our first guest tonight

2388
01:35:52,440 --> 01:35:55,000
is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey

2389
01:35:55,080 --> 01:35:57,640
at WNBC radio
here in New York City.

2390
01:35:57,720 --> 01:35:58,840
Ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor.

2391
01:35:58,920 --> 01:36:01,400
Please welcome Howard Stern.

2392
01:36:01,520 --> 01:36:02,440
Howard!

2393
01:36:10,080 --> 01:36:11,840
Walk over there
and have a seat.

2394
01:36:11,880 --> 01:36:15,280
Now, uh, Howard,
you know, uh...

2395
01:36:15,360 --> 01:36:17,200
I admire you, you know?
I love what you do.

2396
01:36:17,280 --> 01:36:18,480
I think
you're a pioneer.

2397
01:36:18,520 --> 01:36:20,200
You're on the cutting edge
of radio entertainment.

2398
01:36:20,280 --> 01:36:22,600
You and I both work
for NBC.

2399
01:36:22,680 --> 01:36:23,640
You have
the radio show,

2400
01:36:23,760 --> 01:36:25,320
I have the little
TV show here.

2401
01:36:25,400 --> 01:36:27,200
How do you get along
with the folks here?

2402
01:36:27,280 --> 01:36:28,360
You enjoying
the experience?

2403
01:36:28,440 --> 01:36:29,840
I hate it at NBC, Dave.

2404
01:36:29,920 --> 01:36:32,240
It's the worst. It sucks.
I gotta tell you something.

2405
01:36:32,320 --> 01:36:33,600
All the management at NBC...

2406
01:36:33,680 --> 01:36:36,280
bunch of creeps, and I'm not
afraid to say it right now,

2407
01:36:36,360 --> 01:36:38,000
and, you know,
it's funny,

2408
01:36:38,080 --> 01:36:40,640
because I know you feel
the same exact way I do about NBC

2409
01:36:40,720 --> 01:36:42,600
because you told me on the phone
personally last week

2410
01:36:42,680 --> 01:36:43,640
that you feel
the same way.

2411
01:36:43,720 --> 01:36:45,880
I couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.

2412
01:36:45,960 --> 01:36:47,360
I don't understand
them at all.

2413
01:36:47,440 --> 01:36:49,680
Now, Howard, let's get back to
the issue of them being creepy.

2414
01:36:49,720 --> 01:36:51,240
Now, when you say
they're creep...

2415
01:36:53,320 --> 01:36:55,240
He makes us sound like
a bunch of idiots on the radio.

2416
01:36:55,320 --> 01:36:57,240
He criticizes us
on television.

2417
01:36:57,320 --> 01:36:59,560
I thought you were going
to control this guy.

2418
01:36:59,600 --> 01:37:01,440
Oh, well,
we are, sir.

2419
01:37:01,520 --> 01:37:04,800
In fact, we're designing
a more restrictive program

2420
01:37:04,840 --> 01:37:06,120
- Shut up.
- To make sure...

2421
01:37:06,200 --> 01:37:07,640
How are his numbers?

2422
01:37:07,760 --> 01:37:10,640
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow,

2423
01:37:10,720 --> 01:37:11,960
but we've got
some projections.

2424
01:37:14,400 --> 01:37:17,480
Stern... has gone...

2425
01:37:17,560 --> 01:37:21,520
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.

2426
01:37:24,600 --> 01:37:27,640
He's number one
in the market.

2427
01:37:27,720 --> 01:37:29,280
He's the hottest DJ in New York.

2428
01:37:30,880 --> 01:37:33,280
Kind of weird,
you know?

2429
01:37:33,360 --> 01:37:35,160
I thought there was
a mistake or something,

2430
01:37:35,240 --> 01:37:38,880
but...
mm-mmm... no.

2431
01:37:38,960 --> 01:37:42,840
My girlfriends think I'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.

2432
01:37:42,880 --> 01:37:44,840
What are you
talking about?

2433
01:37:44,880 --> 01:37:46,320
You know what it is?
It's those yentas you hang around with.

2434
01:37:46,400 --> 01:37:47,840
They're... they're
driving you crazy.

2435
01:37:47,880 --> 01:37:49,520
It's not yentas, Howard.
It's everybody.

2436
01:37:49,600 --> 01:37:51,520
I can't even go... I can't
even get my hair done.

2437
01:37:51,600 --> 01:37:53,080
I can't even walk in
and get my hair done

2438
01:37:53,160 --> 01:37:55,480
without people looking at me like,
"Oh, God, that poor little thing."

2439
01:37:55,560 --> 01:37:56,760
Then you know
what you gotta do?

2440
01:37:56,840 --> 01:37:57,880
You gotta go to a different
hair shop or something.

2441
01:37:57,920 --> 01:37:59,320
- Please!
- For God's sakes,

2442
01:37:59,400 --> 01:38:00,920
If the place is driving
you crazy, don't go there.

2443
01:38:01,000 --> 01:38:02,440
It's not that!
It's not that!

2444
01:38:02,520 --> 01:38:03,680
God, no wonder they think
you're sleeping around!

2445
01:38:03,760 --> 01:38:04,920
Look at me!
Look at me!

2446
01:38:04,960 --> 01:38:06,440
- I'm disgusting!
- What about you?

2447
01:38:06,520 --> 01:38:09,160
- You're not disgusting.
- Yes, I am! I look like a house!

2448
01:38:09,240 --> 01:38:10,960
- I look like an elephant!
- You don't look like a house.

2449
01:38:11,040 --> 01:38:12,760
- You do not. You look beautiful.
- I look like Babar!

2450
01:38:12,800 --> 01:38:14,400
- You don't look like an elephant.
- I do.

2451
01:38:14,480 --> 01:38:16,920
You don't look like Babar.
You look gorgeous.

2452
01:38:17,000 --> 01:38:18,360
This is the most beautiful
you ever looked.

2453
01:38:18,440 --> 01:38:19,600
You're carrying our baby.

2454
01:38:19,680 --> 01:38:22,040
Come over here. You want to
sit down on this couch?

2455
01:38:22,080 --> 01:38:24,040
You know what the problem is?
You're tired.

2456
01:38:24,080 --> 01:38:25,240
I am tired.

2457
01:38:25,280 --> 01:38:26,360
Here.

2458
01:38:32,240 --> 01:38:33,520
Look at this...

2459
01:38:33,600 --> 01:38:35,200
It's our baby.

2460
01:38:36,760 --> 01:38:38,240
It's beautiful.

2461
01:38:38,320 --> 01:38:40,160
You're beautiful.

2462
01:38:40,240 --> 01:38:42,000
Beautiful.

2463
01:38:47,440 --> 01:38:48,400
Who would come here?

2464
01:38:48,440 --> 01:38:49,520
Quiet.

2465
01:38:54,480 --> 01:38:55,480
I don't want
to get that.

2466
01:38:55,560 --> 01:38:57,080
Oh.

2467
01:38:57,160 --> 01:38:58,600
OK. I'll go
get the door.

2468
01:38:58,680 --> 01:39:01,040
Don't go away.

2469
01:39:06,400 --> 01:39:07,320
Howdy, partner.

2470
01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:08,680
- How you doing?
- Oh, hey, Kenny.

2471
01:39:08,760 --> 01:39:10,240
Can I come in
just for a second?

2472
01:39:10,320 --> 01:39:11,440
It's kind of
a bad time, OK?

2473
01:39:11,520 --> 01:39:13,400
Just real quick, OK?
Listen.

2474
01:39:13,480 --> 01:39:14,720
I want to tell you
something.

2475
01:39:14,800 --> 01:39:16,240
You've won.

2476
01:39:16,320 --> 01:39:17,880
When the new ratings
come out tomorrow,

2477
01:39:17,960 --> 01:39:19,600
you are going
to be number one.

2478
01:39:19,680 --> 01:39:22,320
You understand me? A point
and a half higher than Imus.

2479
01:39:22,400 --> 01:39:24,000
- No shit?
- You've killed him. You've slayed him.

2480
01:39:24,080 --> 01:39:25,200
You understand me?
Ha ha!

2481
01:39:25,240 --> 01:39:26,240
That's great news.
Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.

2482
01:39:26,320 --> 01:39:27,560
Howard!
Howard! Howard!

2483
01:39:27,640 --> 01:39:31,520
Listen, I know I've been
a real pain in the butt, OK?

2484
01:39:31,600 --> 01:39:33,000
But that's
all over with now.

2485
01:39:33,080 --> 01:39:35,000
Now, you're going to need
a friend on the inside.

2486
01:39:35,080 --> 01:39:36,720
I'm going to do
everything I can for you.

2487
01:39:36,800 --> 01:39:39,720
All right?
How's that sound, partner?

2488
01:39:41,360 --> 01:39:42,320
Fuck you.

2489
01:39:44,720 --> 01:39:46,560
People of New York...

2490
01:39:46,600 --> 01:39:48,400
People of Earth...

2491
01:39:48,480 --> 01:39:50,080
we are gathered here today

2492
01:39:50,160 --> 01:39:51,680
in praise of me!

2493
01:39:54,440 --> 01:39:57,680
Man, this is
a great day in my life.

2494
01:39:57,760 --> 01:40:00,160
I've been dreaming
of this day forever.

2495
01:40:00,240 --> 01:40:01,800
Thank you!

2496
01:40:01,880 --> 01:40:03,960
Thanks.

2497
01:40:04,040 --> 01:40:06,120
You know,
when I got to NBC,

2498
01:40:06,200 --> 01:40:08,240
they treated me
like I was a jerk.

2499
01:40:08,320 --> 01:40:11,720
They did everything to
sabotage me, but because of you...

2500
01:40:13,280 --> 01:40:15,800
Because of you,
and only because of you,

2501
01:40:15,880 --> 01:40:18,280
I am now the number one
disc jockey in New York,

2502
01:40:18,360 --> 01:40:20,040
and I thank you.
I love you for that.

2503
01:40:20,120 --> 01:40:21,040
I love you!

2504
01:40:21,120 --> 01:40:24,000
Thank you!

2505
01:40:24,040 --> 01:40:25,640
This is my gift to you,
New York...

2506
01:40:25,720 --> 01:40:27,560
AC/DC!

2507
01:40:45,040 --> 01:40:46,920
# She was a fast machine #

2508
01:40:46,960 --> 01:40:49,240
# She kept
her motor clean #

2509
01:40:49,320 --> 01:40:52,560
# She was the best damn
woman that I've ever seen #

2510
01:40:52,640 --> 01:40:54,880
# She had the sexiest eyes #

2511
01:40:54,960 --> 01:40:56,400
# Telling me no lies #

2512
01:40:56,480 --> 01:41:00,360
# Knockin' me out
with those American thighs #

2513
01:41:00,440 --> 01:41:02,040
# We did not
want to share... #

2514
01:41:02,120 --> 01:41:04,800
How!
My water broke!

2515
01:41:04,880 --> 01:41:05,840
What?

2516
01:41:05,880 --> 01:41:08,000
My water broke!

2517
01:41:08,080 --> 01:41:10,200
# Bang, the walls
started shakin' #

2518
01:41:10,280 --> 01:41:12,200
# The earth was quakin' #

2519
01:41:12,280 --> 01:41:14,280
# My mind was achin' #

2520
01:41:14,360 --> 01:41:16,440
# We were makin' when you #

2521
01:41:16,520 --> 01:41:20,120
# Shook me all night long #

2522
01:41:20,200 --> 01:41:23,120
Hey! Hey!

2523
01:41:23,160 --> 01:41:28,200
# Yeah, you shook me
all night long... #

2524
01:41:29,800 --> 01:41:31,040
Keep it moving!

2525
01:41:31,120 --> 01:41:33,760
# One more time,
and when she got to... #

2526
01:41:44,560 --> 01:41:47,440
Hoowww!

2527
01:41:47,520 --> 01:41:48,480
Now, push! Push!

2528
01:41:48,520 --> 01:41:50,920
No, no, don't push.
Just breathe deeply.

2529
01:41:51,000 --> 01:41:51,920
Don't push, honey.

2530
01:41:52,000 --> 01:41:52,920
Ice chips.

2531
01:41:53,000 --> 01:41:54,320
Fuck ice chips,
How!

2532
01:41:54,400 --> 01:41:56,280
Listen to me...

2533
01:41:56,560 --> 01:41:59,360
we named her Emily.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.

2534
01:41:59,440 --> 01:42:01,760
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.

2535
01:42:01,800 --> 01:42:03,120
Well, you must
have felt fabulous.

2536
01:42:03,200 --> 01:42:05,920
Yeah, I had everything I ever
wanted in life, you know.

2537
01:42:06,000 --> 01:42:07,000
You know,
I have to admit

2538
01:42:07,080 --> 01:42:09,880
that I'm really not
a very big fan of yours,

2539
01:42:09,960 --> 01:42:11,320
but, in fact, I...

2540
01:42:11,400 --> 01:42:14,240
I know. You thought I was
a disgusting, sexist, racist pig

2541
01:42:14,280 --> 01:42:17,160
who had the maturity level
of a 3-year-old, right?

2542
01:42:17,240 --> 01:42:18,240
Yeah, exactly.

2543
01:42:18,320 --> 01:42:19,960
Yeah. I get that
all the time.

2544
01:42:20,040 --> 01:42:22,320
But then you know
what happens?

2545
01:42:22,400 --> 01:42:23,440
What?

2546
01:42:23,520 --> 01:42:25,560
I grow on you
like a fungus.

2547
01:42:27,760 --> 01:42:29,120
I could see that.

2548
01:42:32,760 --> 01:42:35,200
You know, I have
to tell you...

2549
01:42:35,280 --> 01:42:37,920
this has been
a really great flight.

2550
01:42:38,000 --> 01:42:39,600
Really?

2551
01:42:39,680 --> 01:42:41,080
Mm-hmm.

2552
01:42:43,400 --> 01:42:45,320
You know, I could
get this girl.

2553
01:42:45,400 --> 01:42:46,560
I know I could get her.

2554
01:42:46,640 --> 01:42:48,560
And this is the hell
that's my life.

2555
01:42:48,640 --> 01:42:50,080
I mean, think about it.

2556
01:42:50,120 --> 01:42:51,760
What would it be like
to have sex with her?

2557
01:42:51,840 --> 01:42:53,160
It would be amazing.

2558
01:42:53,240 --> 01:42:55,480
But I'm not going
to act on it.

2559
01:42:55,520 --> 01:42:57,040
You know why?

2560
01:42:57,120 --> 01:42:58,440
Because I'd be a schmuck.

2561
01:42:58,520 --> 01:43:00,760
No, because
I love Alison.

2562
01:43:00,840 --> 01:43:04,280
She stuck with me through
the whole thing, you know?

2563
01:43:04,360 --> 01:43:06,160
You gotta respect that.

2564
01:43:06,240 --> 01:43:08,520
I think you have
to respect that.

2565
01:43:13,040 --> 01:43:15,360
You have to
respect that.

2566
01:43:20,240 --> 01:43:21,200
Hey, everybody!

2567
01:43:21,280 --> 01:43:22,520
- Daddy!
- Daddy!

2568
01:43:22,600 --> 01:43:24,240
Oh, did I miss you!

2569
01:43:24,280 --> 01:43:26,920
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

2570
01:43:27,000 --> 01:43:29,040
Let's go say hi to Mommy.
Come on.

2571
01:43:29,120 --> 01:43:30,520
- Hi.
- Wait, wait. There we go.

2572
01:43:30,600 --> 01:43:31,800
Did you miss me?
Mmm!

2573
01:43:31,880 --> 01:43:33,800
Hi, honey.
I missed you.

2574
01:43:33,880 --> 01:43:34,800
Oh, Gloria.

2575
01:43:34,880 --> 01:43:36,920
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.

2576
01:43:37,000 --> 01:43:38,080
- Hi.
- Hi.

2577
01:43:38,160 --> 01:43:39,720
Maybe the two of you
would like to have

2578
01:43:39,800 --> 01:43:41,720
a little menage a trois
tonight?

2579
01:43:41,800 --> 01:43:43,360
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.

2580
01:43:43,400 --> 01:43:44,360
Just, you know,
trying.

2581
01:43:44,400 --> 01:43:45,360
Yeah, I know.

2582
01:43:45,400 --> 01:43:46,960
OK. See you,
Gloria.

2583
01:43:47,040 --> 01:43:49,880
Howard: So occasionally I make
a fool of myself in public,

2584
01:43:49,960 --> 01:43:51,840
and the FCC
wants me off the air,

2585
01:43:51,920 --> 01:43:54,920
and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts,

2586
01:43:55,000 --> 01:43:58,440
and, yeah, most of the things
I do are misunderstood.

2587
01:43:58,480 --> 01:44:00,440
Hey, after all,
being misunderstood

2588
01:44:00,480 --> 01:44:02,920
is the fate of all
true geniuses, is it not?

2589
01:44:03,000 --> 01:44:04,680
But my life
isn't bad at all.

2590
01:44:04,760 --> 01:44:06,720
I'm still on the air,

2591
01:44:06,760 --> 01:44:08,440
I've got my kids,

2592
01:44:08,520 --> 01:44:09,960
and I've got Alison.

2593
01:44:10,000 --> 01:44:12,760
Alison... She's the best friend
I could ever have.

2594
01:44:12,840 --> 01:44:13,920
And who knows?

2595
01:44:14,000 --> 01:44:15,440
With a little time,

2596
01:44:15,520 --> 01:44:16,960
the right energy...

2597
01:44:17,000 --> 01:44:19,640
I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.

2598
01:44:21,240 --> 01:44:23,040
Porno For Pyros:
# Got my hands into something #

2599
01:44:23,120 --> 01:44:25,200
# I could not touch... #

2600
01:44:25,280 --> 01:44:27,440
Stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it?

2601
01:44:27,520 --> 01:44:28,560
What, the movie's over?

2602
01:44:28,640 --> 01:44:29,760
Oh, yeah?
That's bullshit!

2603
01:44:29,840 --> 01:44:32,440
Hi. You know who I am?
Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.

2604
01:44:32,480 --> 01:44:33,880
And you know why I'm pissed?
I'll tell you why.

2605
01:44:33,960 --> 01:44:36,480
I've been getting up at 5:00
every morning to work for Howard.

2606
01:44:36,560 --> 01:44:38,000
I've been pissing off
every publicist,

2607
01:44:38,080 --> 01:44:39,720
burning every freakin'
bridge in the industry,

2608
01:44:39,800 --> 01:44:43,240
And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay
me back by putting me in his movie!

2609
01:44:43,360 --> 01:44:44,840
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!

2610
01:44:44,920 --> 01:44:47,000
I've been in here for 8 years,
cuttin' his friggin' potato!

2611
01:44:47,080 --> 01:44:49,160
I've been smacked around
by Morton Downey,

2612
01:44:49,240 --> 01:44:51,200
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,
and what do I get?

2613
01:44:51,240 --> 01:44:52,640
I get fucking nothing!
That's what I get!

2614
01:44:52,720 --> 01:44:53,760
I'm not even in
this fucking movie!

2615
01:44:53,840 --> 01:44:54,920
He's says I'll
be in the sequel!

2616
01:44:55,000 --> 01:44:56,720
Yeah? What sequel?
Suppose the movie sucks?

2617
01:44:56,800 --> 01:44:58,640
Th-th-th-there won't
even be any sequel!

2618
01:44:58,680 --> 01:45:02,160
# If you lie for your breakfast,
then you won't get lunch #

2619
01:45:02,240 --> 01:45:06,000
# I'm a hard charger #

2620
01:45:06,080 --> 01:45:07,960
# I don't believe in dying #

2621
01:45:08,040 --> 01:45:10,120
# No such luck #

2622
01:45:10,200 --> 01:45:13,800
# Hard charger #

2623
01:45:13,880 --> 01:45:17,560
# Can't stay pretty
'cause it's just no fun #

2624
01:45:17,640 --> 01:45:20,160
# Hard charger... #

2625
01:45:22,200 --> 01:45:24,680
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mia Farrow.

2626
01:45:26,800 --> 01:45:29,040
Thank you.

2627
01:45:29,120 --> 01:45:33,520
The nominees
for best actor are...

2628
01:45:33,600 --> 01:45:35,040
Harrison Ford...

2629
01:45:37,480 --> 01:45:38,840
Denzel Washington...

2630
01:45:39,920 --> 01:45:42,320
Robert DeNiro...

2631
01:45:45,120 --> 01:45:46,520
Tom Hanks...

2632
01:45:48,560 --> 01:45:51,040
Howard Stern.

2633
01:45:52,560 --> 01:45:56,040
And the winner is...

2634
01:45:56,120 --> 01:45:57,040
Howard Stern.

2635
01:46:04,200 --> 01:46:05,680
It's me!

2636
01:46:18,480 --> 01:46:20,280
Howard:
# I'm a radio star #

2637
01:46:20,320 --> 01:46:22,480
# A hit on TV #

2638
01:46:22,560 --> 01:46:24,320
# My life is on film #

2639
01:46:24,440 --> 01:46:26,360
# Yet it sucks bein' me #

2640
01:46:26,440 --> 01:46:27,960
Ben: Shut up! Sit down!

2641
01:46:28,040 --> 01:46:29,960
# My life's a wreck #

2642
01:46:30,000 --> 01:46:32,240
# I'm bored with sex #

2643
01:46:32,320 --> 01:46:36,840
# I've got a big nose
and a skinny neck #

2644
01:46:36,920 --> 01:46:39,000
# I can't sing #

2645
01:46:39,040 --> 01:46:41,000
# I can't dance #

2646
01:46:41,080 --> 01:46:44,640
# I make money talking about
the joke in my underpants #

2647
01:46:44,720 --> 01:46:46,360
# I'm a tortured man #

2648
01:46:46,440 --> 01:46:47,360
Shut up! Sit down!

2649
01:46:47,440 --> 01:46:48,640
# I'm a tortured man #

2650
01:46:48,720 --> 01:46:50,360
I told you not to be
stupid, you moron.

2651
01:46:50,480 --> 01:46:51,720
Howard: I'm just
thinking for a minute.

2652
01:46:51,800 --> 01:46:54,640
Should I trade half my money
for 10 times as much sex?

2653
01:46:54,720 --> 01:46:56,080
It's an equation
from hell.

2654
01:46:56,160 --> 01:46:57,080
Ray: Oh, well!

2655
01:46:57,160 --> 01:46:58,280
It's an equation
from hell.

2656
01:46:58,360 --> 01:46:59,280
Oh, well!

2657
01:46:59,360 --> 01:47:00,520
It's an equation
from hell.

2658
01:47:00,560 --> 01:47:01,960
Oh, well!

2659
01:47:02,000 --> 01:47:05,560
Marilyn Manson:
# Your mouth is like a suicide #

2660
01:47:05,640 --> 01:47:08,400
# Talkin' like
you never doubt #

2661
01:47:08,480 --> 01:47:10,320
# Melting me down #

2662
01:47:10,400 --> 01:47:14,080
# And suck, suck,
sucking my brain #

2663
01:47:14,160 --> 01:47:19,880
# But I can't be the one
that you need, yeah #

2664
01:47:19,960 --> 01:47:21,280
# And I can't be the... #

2665
01:47:21,360 --> 01:47:24,160
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.

2666
01:47:24,240 --> 01:47:27,000
He's been very successful,
and God bless him.

2667
01:47:27,080 --> 01:47:28,520
God bless him.

2668
01:47:28,560 --> 01:47:29,600
But I'll tell you
something,

2669
01:47:29,680 --> 01:47:31,400
I ain't done
too badly myself.

2670
01:47:31,520 --> 01:47:34,160
Uh, I manage
a shopping mall

2671
01:47:34,240 --> 01:47:35,840
down in
Florence, Alabama.

2672
01:47:35,920 --> 01:47:39,000
Yeah. It's the number one
mall in Colbert County,

2673
01:47:39,080 --> 01:47:41,080
and it's number 4
in the state,

2674
01:47:41,160 --> 01:47:42,920
So, it's not
too bad, you know?

2675
01:47:43,000 --> 01:47:47,360
Uh, I play golf
several times a week, you know?

2676
01:47:47,440 --> 01:47:50,400
Uh, but
I'll tell you,

2677
01:47:50,480 --> 01:47:53,560
if Howard would have
listened to me,

2678
01:47:53,640 --> 01:47:57,280
I'd still be
up there in radio.

2679
01:47:57,320 --> 01:47:59,440
Still be doing
radio, you know.

2680
01:48:01,560 --> 01:48:02,720
How about that?

2681
01:48:06,400 --> 01:48:09,280
That goddamn motherfucker,
you know?

2682
01:48:10,680 --> 01:48:13,440
I tried every fucking thing
I could fucking think of

2683
01:48:13,560 --> 01:48:15,840
to mold him into a proper kind of DJ,

2684
01:48:15,920 --> 01:48:18,680
but that goddamn son of a bitch...

2685
01:48:20,560 --> 01:48:23,000
I'll tell you...
Howard Stern, man.

2686
01:48:23,080 --> 01:48:27,960
That motherfuckin'...

2687
01:48:28,040 --> 01:48:31,320
And I'll say that
with no shame either!

2688
01:48:31,400 --> 01:48:34,000
Man's a...

2689
01:48:34,080 --> 01:48:36,080
Foul-mouthed,
immature...

2690
01:48:36,160 --> 01:48:38,000
the man's immature,
you know?

2691
01:48:38,080 --> 01:48:42,000
He's like a... child.

2692
01:48:42,040 --> 01:48:43,480
I'll tell you
this much.

2693
01:48:43,560 --> 01:48:46,800
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the earth,

2694
01:48:46,840 --> 01:48:47,960
I'll tell you that.

2695
01:48:48,040 --> 01:48:49,040
I gotta go.

2696
01:48:53,760 --> 01:48:56,000
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?

2697
01:48:57,480 --> 01:49:00,360
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!