1
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,551
MAN: Let's call
American Express.
You lost your card,
2
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,717
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
and you don't know
what the number of it is.
3
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,007
GEORGE: That's a great one.
4
00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:30,018
MAN: Do the old lady.
5
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:32,325
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I lost my card.
6
00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:33,421
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
7
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,398
WOMAN: Your...
Your accent went in
and out on you sometimes.
8
00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:36,764
GEORGE: I went
southern and then...
9
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,337
ON PHONE: American Express.
I'm Danille,
how may I help you?
10
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:40,633
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I certainly need
some assistance.
11
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,039
I'm sorry to call you
in such a frenzy,
12
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:48,274
but I'm very shook up.
I got my American
Express card stolen.
13
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,083
WOMAN: Okay, can I have
your last name, please?
14
00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:52,151
GEORGE: Yes.
15
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:53,946
What's your last name?
16
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,146
Right.
17
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:58,019
Okay, can you give me
your name so I can
look up your account?
18
00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,148
Yes. Helen.
19
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,590
What's your
last name, please?
20
00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:01,887
Easafawn.
21
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,863
What?
22
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:04,930
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
23
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,829
Helen Easafawn.
24
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,494
E-A
25
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,868
S-A-fawn.
26
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,173
ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli.
This is Cindy. May I help you?
27
00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:22,874
Hi. I have no legs.
May I speak to the manager?
28
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,150
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
29
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:25,740
(MAN LAUGHING)
30
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:31,488
Now, if I get a bill
and it's something,
like, for...
31
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,990
(STUTTERING)
32
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,159
(ALL SNICKER)
33
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:41,566
But two times in a row I eat
the damn roast beef and I'm...
34
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:46,196
I can't stop
going to the bathroom!
35
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:48,968
MAN: Well, I'm sorry,
but there's nothing
I can do for you.
36
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,303
MAN: Ma?
37
00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:53,238
And my son
thinks I'm crazy.
38
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:54,745
Ma, who you calling?
39
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,975
It's Jerry's.
And don't tell me
not to call them.
40
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,142
Jesus Christ, get off
the fucking phone!
41
00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,219
Don't talk
to me that way!
42
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,220
Get off the
fucking phone!
43
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:03,289
What's going on?
44
00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:04,651
MAN: Same
thing as the last time.
45
00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,019
Did she... What'd
she call you about?
46
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,286
The roast beef?
Yes.
47
00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,361
All right, she just
puked in the kitchen.
48
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,828
That's all right.
I suggested that she
doesn't eat roast beef
49
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:13,831
if it doesn't
agree with her.
50
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,263
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
51
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:23,208
I... I appreciate
your suggestions,
but I love roast beef.
52
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,799
It's delicious!
53
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:26,978
MAN: Go clean
up the mess!
54
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,311
(CRYING) I can't.
Get off of me!
55
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:32,217
You son of a bitch!
56
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,785
(ALL SNICKERING)
57
00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:35,950
(DIAL TONE)
58
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,886
(ALL LAUGHING)
59
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:18,986
George?
60
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:26,932
GIRL: Hi,
Mr. Simmons.
61
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,302
Ladies.
62
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,802
George Simmons, man!
Can I get a picture?
63
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,738
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready?
All right, hit me,
baby, all right.
64
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:37,679
Get a little
tittie in there.
Come on.
65
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,215
How are you?
You're really funny.
66
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,843
Thank you.
You're funnier.
67
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,748
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
68
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:44,749
Hello.
Hi!
69
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,381
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Hey, what's up?
70
00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:47,959
GEORGE: Hey.
How are you?
71
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,465
Hey, handsome.
Doctor.
72
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,543
How are you, kid?
73
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,611
How are you, baby?
74
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,304
(CLEARS THROAT)
75
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,937
The Lunestas
are working, baby.
76
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,346
Those are smooth.
No hangover.
77
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:16,081
Fall asleep, bam.
Fucking what was
the deal with the Restorils?
78
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:19,784
Why did you give me those?
You trying to fuck
with me or something?
79
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:23,555
George, we got the results
back from the follow-up
of your blood count
80
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,257
and it's not
what we hoped for.
81
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:29,995
As I mentioned earlier,
the CBC was abnormal.
82
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:34,904
Your white blood cells
were four times the size
that they should be.
83
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,774
And very low hemoglobin,
seven grams per deciliter.
84
00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,937
I don't understand
what you're saying right now.
85
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:43,538
Can you speak
how people speak?
86
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:47,051
You have a very
serious disease.
It's called AML.
87
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:51,852
It's a form of leukemia
and I can't predict
how this will play out,
88
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:55,553
but I feel you have
a rough road ahead of you.
89
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,128
That's George Simmons,
right here.
90
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,533
George! George!
George Simmons!
91
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:07,037
Hey, man!
How, how you doing, man?
I'm a big fan of yours.
92
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,835
(INAUDIBLE)
93
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:31,259
I'm sorry to say
we're past the point
where traditional structures
94
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:35,027
like chemotherapy
and radiation would
be effective at all.
95
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,729
DR. STEVENS: And I think
it's best for us to pursue
an experimental course.
96
00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:46,610
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am.
Your tamales.
97
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,112
Thanks for shopping
at Otto's.
Yo, Chuck,
98
00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,840
I'm going up at the
Comedy & Magic Club
doing stand-up.
99
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,144
You should
come watch me.
100
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:54,719
Don't let him
suck you in.
He's not funny.
101
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,419
Nah, he's right, man.
No way, man.
That shit was painful.
102
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,514
I mean,
it was hard watching
you suffer up there.
103
00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:01,252
I had fucking
nightmares after that.
104
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,828
That was a long time ago.
That was months ago.
105
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,089
I've gotten a lot
funnier since then.
106
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,323
Then you bored
my wife to sleep.
107
00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:06,762
I couldn't get
no pussy
that night, man.
108
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:09,357
Don't blame me
for your pussy issues.
109
00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:10,959
Are they gonna pay you?
Pay me? No!
110
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,970
That's just how it starts.
You don't get paid
in the beginning.
111
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:15,165
You gotta, you know,
work your way up
through the ranks.
112
00:06:15,341 --> 00:06:17,138
My nigger,
how the fuck you
in show business
113
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,642
when you got no
business to show?
114
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,007
I'm supposed
to be writing jokes.
115
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,307
I'm supposed
to be doing comedy.
116
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,575
I'm not supposed to be
making macaroni salad.
117
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,379
I hate it, man.
It's depressing.
Otto's sucks!
118
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,579
You don't know about
no motherfucking
hard time, man.
119
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:31,885
I'm a ex-convict, man.
Otto's the only place
that would hire me.
120
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:33,083
You too good
for Otto's now?
121
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:34,181
I'm not too
good for it.
122
00:06:34,293 --> 00:06:35,453
I just don't...
It's not for me,
you know, I'm sorry.
123
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,550
See that bridge?
1,200 bucks.
124
00:06:38,596 --> 00:06:39,585
Okay.
125
00:06:39,697 --> 00:06:42,393
On the house, man!
Otto, man!
Otto's my lotto.
126
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:45,025
Come on, man, look.
I can't work here
anymore, all right?
127
00:06:45,136 --> 00:06:46,831
What, you gonna be on TV
or some shit like that?
128
00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:48,803
I am gonna be on TV.
The chunky guy
on Survivor or some shit?
129
00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:50,340
No, I'm gonna
be like Seinfeld.
130
00:06:50,441 --> 00:06:52,170
Get the fuck
out of here, man!
131
00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:53,577
You ain't gonna
be like Seinfeld.
132
00:06:53,678 --> 00:06:55,646
Seinfeld's my
motherfucking man!
133
00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,044
Now Kramer,
134
00:06:57,148 --> 00:06:59,844
Kramer gets a pass from me
'cause Kramer's my nigger.
135
00:06:59,951 --> 00:07:01,976
Well, very
forgiving of you.
136
00:07:02,086 --> 00:07:04,213
Look, as a friend, man,
let me tell you something.
137
00:07:04,322 --> 00:07:05,789
You're not funny.
I think I'm funny.
138
00:07:05,890 --> 00:07:08,017
I got new jokes, man,
and they're good.
139
00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:09,286
Let me hear one
of your new jokes.
140
00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,419
Okay, I got one like,
141
00:07:11,529 --> 00:07:13,997
I'm really good
at Guitar Hero,
you know, on PlayStation,
142
00:07:14,098 --> 00:07:16,794
and I was so good at it,
I thought, like, "Maybe
I should get a guitar."
143
00:07:16,901 --> 00:07:18,801
Then I thought like,
"I'm really good at
Grand Theft Auto,
144
00:07:18,903 --> 00:07:20,768
"maybe I should start
beating up hookers."
145
00:07:21,539 --> 00:07:23,131
Okay, that got me.
That was humorous.
146
00:07:23,241 --> 00:07:24,538
I thought
you'd like that.
147
00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:26,007
But, yo, I ain't
got no dough, man.
148
00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,441
For real, if I had
some dough, I would go.
149
00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:28,512
I'll pay your
cover charge.
150
00:07:28,613 --> 00:07:29,739
That's the night
I take my wife out also,
151
00:07:29,847 --> 00:07:30,836
so you gotta pay
for my bitch, too.
152
00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:34,661
Okay, I'll do it. Okay.
If you come and laugh.
Laugh loud.
153
00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:35,758
(LAUGHS)
154
00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:36,894
Like that?
That's good. Perfect.
155
00:07:37,005 --> 00:07:37,972
I'll see you
Saturday then.
156
00:07:38,073 --> 00:07:39,062
Okay, good.
Thank you.
157
00:07:39,174 --> 00:07:41,404
Craig, listen to me.
I'm doing the best
I can, okay?
158
00:07:41,509 --> 00:07:46,071
I wiped your ass
our entire childhood.
Now it's your turn, buddy!
159
00:07:46,181 --> 00:07:48,376
Well, you're the one
that asked the wizard
to make you young again.
160
00:07:48,483 --> 00:07:49,814
I didn't mean
this young!
161
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:51,385
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
162
00:07:51,486 --> 00:07:53,249
Last time I had a suit on,
at my bar mitzvah.
163
00:07:53,355 --> 00:07:55,050
My bar mitzvah,
it was the last...
164
00:07:55,156 --> 00:07:56,783
And now I got the same suit.
It's the same suit.
165
00:07:56,891 --> 00:08:00,224
I think it looks good.
The bar mitzvah was
a good day in my life.
166
00:08:00,328 --> 00:08:02,694
I made more money
that day than I think
I'll ever make again.
167
00:08:02,797 --> 00:08:03,764
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
168
00:08:03,865 --> 00:08:06,993
You know, it's really sad.
To peak at 13
is a weird feeling.
169
00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:08,069
MAN: This is indicative
of the kind of...
170
00:08:08,169 --> 00:08:09,727
GEORGE: Yo. Yo.
Shoot that.
Look at that!
171
00:08:09,838 --> 00:08:13,069
Both those girls just go,
"That's the guy from MTV."
172
00:08:13,174 --> 00:08:15,734
I swear on my life,
those two girls,
they were just going,
173
00:08:15,844 --> 00:08:18,278
"That's the guy."
It's the second
time it happened.
174
00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:22,680
I got off a... I got off,
I got off the bus, and...
175
00:08:22,784 --> 00:08:24,684
I mean, the train.
I'm walking out...
176
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,620
Me and Ann traded shifts.
My family's in from Green Bay.
177
00:09:03,725 --> 00:09:06,660
You know, come to see
how their daughter's
doing in the big city.
178
00:09:06,761 --> 00:09:08,854
You know, wait,
you went to school
here, right?
179
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:10,453
(PHONE RINGING)
180
00:09:11,232 --> 00:09:12,199
LAURA: Hello?
181
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,497
Hey, Laura, it's George.
182
00:09:15,603 --> 00:09:19,266
How's the northern side
of California going?
183
00:09:20,141 --> 00:09:21,836
What do you
want, George?
184
00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:24,578
I was wondering
if you had
a few minutes.
185
00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,671
I wanted to talk
to you about something.
186
00:09:28,149 --> 00:09:32,609
Actually, I don't.
I was just walking
out the door.
187
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,814
Is it okay if I get
your number and I'll give
you a call back later?
188
00:09:36,524 --> 00:09:38,492
I know I'm not
supposed to call you.
189
00:09:38,593 --> 00:09:41,061
I just wanted
to let you know that,
190
00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:45,895
that I really am so
sorry about everything.
191
00:09:48,036 --> 00:09:50,027
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
192
00:09:52,073 --> 00:09:53,973
Too bad you
didn't realize that
back then, but
193
00:09:54,075 --> 00:09:57,340
anyway, I gotta go.
Do you want me
to call you back?
194
00:09:58,379 --> 00:10:01,246
No, you don't
have to call me back.
I know you're not going to,
195
00:10:01,416 --> 00:10:04,749
but I just wanted
to let you know I was
sorry one more time.
196
00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:07,754
Okay. Well, all right.
Okay, good luck, George.
197
00:10:07,856 --> 00:10:08,914
Okay.
198
00:10:11,926 --> 00:10:12,915
(CLEARS THROAT)
199
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,781
You know, so, like,
I have this joke about how,
like, you never see, like,
200
00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:22,376
a very attractive,
blonde, big-breasted
homeless woman.
201
00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:25,979
You know, like, someone
will take care of that
person no matter what.
202
00:10:26,091 --> 00:10:27,956
That woman's gonna be fine.
All right,
so here's the joke.
203
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,426
You can be attractive
and stupid and make it
in the world.
204
00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:31,496
Yeah.
205
00:10:31,596 --> 00:10:32,756
And you could
be unattractive
and smart
206
00:10:32,864 --> 00:10:34,024
and make it
in the world.
Yeah.
207
00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:37,397
But it's the ugly,
dumb people who
are really screwed
208
00:10:37,502 --> 00:10:39,163
'cause they're ignorant
and an eyesore.
209
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:40,238
That's funny, man.
210
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:41,738
That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
211
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,102
I was thinking of doing
this thing where, like,
212
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,732
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
213
00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:46,242
I'm kind of, like,
right in the middle,
you know.
214
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,940
Like... Like, if I had
a good personality, I could
get any chick in the world,
215
00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,948
but I don't.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
216
00:10:52,050 --> 00:10:53,881
I auditioned
for Budd Friedman
at the Improv.
217
00:10:53,985 --> 00:10:54,974
He okayed me
and made me a regular.
218
00:10:56,738 --> 00:10:57,796
Budd won't even
look me in the eye.
219
00:10:57,905 --> 00:11:00,897
Man, that's...
Good for you, man.
Congratulations.
220
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,873
You shouldn't have lost
all that weight, man.
221
00:11:02,977 --> 00:11:04,535
There's nothing funny
about a physically-fit man.
222
00:11:04,645 --> 00:11:06,442
I know.
It's lame, right?
Yeah.
223
00:11:06,547 --> 00:11:08,447
No one wants to watch
Lance Armstrong do comedy.
224
00:11:08,549 --> 00:11:09,777
(SIGHING) Oh, God.
225
00:11:09,884 --> 00:11:11,044
Hey, Ira.
226
00:11:11,151 --> 00:11:14,314
Oh, hey, Mark.
Can you do me a favor
and never leave a paycheck
227
00:11:14,421 --> 00:11:16,889
from your shit
sitcom on my pillow
ever again, please?
228
00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:20,119
(SIGHS) That is so rude
of me to accidentally
leave my paycheck
229
00:11:20,227 --> 00:11:23,924
for $25,000
on your pillow.
I'm sorry.
230
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:24,998
It's a dick move.
231
00:11:25,099 --> 00:11:26,464
It's just,
they keep coming,
232
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:27,761
you know,
week after week.
233
00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,893
It's getting a little bit hard
to keep track of them all.
234
00:11:30,004 --> 00:11:31,528
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous
235
00:11:31,639 --> 00:11:33,231
has really turned
you into an asshole.
236
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:37,470
Now listen, I'd love to stay
here and chat with you,
but we have company.
237
00:11:37,578 --> 00:11:39,739
You know that girl comedian
who lives across the street?
238
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,474
The one with the dark hair
and the bangs?
239
00:11:41,582 --> 00:11:42,640
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right.
240
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:45,947
Well, I bumped into her
outside and I invited her in,
241
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:48,613
and she's sitting
in our living room
right now.
242
00:11:48,722 --> 00:11:50,019
She's out there
right now?
243
00:11:50,124 --> 00:11:52,957
She's hot and she's mousy,
but kind of like...
244
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,392
She's mousy
like a mouse you want
to stick your dick in.
245
00:11:55,496 --> 00:11:57,396
Yeah, you've gotta get
out there and talk to her.
246
00:11:57,498 --> 00:11:58,465
Why would you do that?
247
00:11:58,566 --> 00:11:59,897
What do you mean,
why would I do that?
248
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:00,967
I'm trying to hook you up.
249
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:02,228
Well, I'm laying
groundwork, man.
250
00:12:02,336 --> 00:12:04,270
I got a three-month plan.
You can't just
throw me into this.
251
00:12:04,371 --> 00:12:06,498
I'll give you 10 days
on your three-month plan.
252
00:12:06,607 --> 00:12:08,165
No, I need 80
more days than that!
253
00:12:08,275 --> 00:12:12,302
Okay, I do this
because I care about you.
I do this to motivate you.
254
00:12:12,413 --> 00:12:16,281
But I will fuck that girl
in 10 days. I promise.
255
00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:18,044
Come on, dude,
I'm not cute like you.
256
00:12:18,152 --> 00:12:21,451
I don't look
like Jackson Browne.
I look like Jon Favreau!
257
00:12:21,555 --> 00:12:24,023
Don't do this to me.
Don't make me fuck her.
258
00:12:24,124 --> 00:12:25,386
Well, then just
don't fuck her!
259
00:12:25,492 --> 00:12:27,824
Don't you put me
in this corner where
I have to fuck my way out.
260
00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:30,829
He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
I've seen him do this before.
261
00:12:30,931 --> 00:12:33,923
I'm gonna go out
there and warm her up.
I'll see you out there.
262
00:12:34,268 --> 00:12:35,633
Kanye.
Kanye!
263
00:12:35,736 --> 00:12:36,794
No. T.I.
T.I.
264
00:12:36,904 --> 00:12:38,337
Lil Weezy.
It's all about Common.
265
00:12:38,439 --> 00:12:39,963
Eminem.
MARK: But do
you guys know
266
00:12:40,074 --> 00:12:42,304
who the greatest
rapper of all time is?
267
00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:46,371
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
268
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,538
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
269
00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:50,947
I know it's silly,
but it's fun.
You know, people like it.
270
00:12:51,051 --> 00:12:52,211
Yeah.
You know?
271
00:12:52,319 --> 00:12:54,787
It's just cool that
you're on TV. I mean...
272
00:12:54,888 --> 00:12:56,788
I can't believe you
haven't seen this before.
273
00:12:57,324 --> 00:13:00,293
Yeah, I can't believe
it's gotten by me.
274
00:13:00,394 --> 00:13:04,228
Is it on a kids channel? WB?
A teen channel or something?
275
00:13:04,331 --> 00:13:05,298
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
276
00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:06,366
DAISY: Really?
277
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,264
Ira, this is Daisy.
Oh!
278
00:13:08,369 --> 00:13:09,597
Daisy, Ira.
Hi.
279
00:13:09,703 --> 00:13:10,727
How are you?
How's it going?
Good.
280
00:13:10,838 --> 00:13:11,862
Actually, I have a cold,
so I shouldn't...
281
00:13:11,972 --> 00:13:12,961
Oh!
282
00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:14,441
Air shake.
283
00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:16,099
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
284
00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:18,644
I've actually seen you
do comedy at the Improv
a couple times.
285
00:13:18,746 --> 00:13:20,646
Yeah, you're really...
You're really, really funny.
286
00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:22,409
Oh, thanks.
287
00:13:23,217 --> 00:13:24,946
You know, Ira
just lost 20 pounds.
288
00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:26,781
Oh, congratulations.
289
00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:28,855
Yes, I did.
All from my cock.
290
00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,186
Um... So...
291
00:13:32,126 --> 00:13:36,062
So, this episode right here
is actually a two-parter.
292
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:39,223
Great, so does that
mean we're gonna watch
both parts right now?
293
00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:41,096
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
294
00:13:41,201 --> 00:13:42,498
You need some help
with that, Ira?
295
00:13:42,603 --> 00:13:43,865
No! No, it's...
296
00:13:43,971 --> 00:13:46,098
It's okay, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
297
00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:47,631
Mmm.
298
00:13:48,242 --> 00:13:49,573
(SLURPING)
299
00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:53,540
I'm joking.
I'll get a rag.
300
00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:55,779
See you in nine days, Ira!
301
00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:56,872
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
302
00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:58,277
RANDY: I went
to a place recently
303
00:13:58,385 --> 00:14:01,286
I'm convinced is the most
fucked up, crazy place
304
00:14:01,388 --> 00:14:06,849
I've ever been to.
It's a little place
called Cold Stone Creamery.
305
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,427
Now, the thing
at Cold Stone is...
306
00:14:08,529 --> 00:14:11,054
I can't believe this
is what people like.
307
00:14:11,165 --> 00:14:17,695
The sizes are
"like it," "love it"
and "gotta have it!"
308
00:14:18,072 --> 00:14:20,939
What kind of crackhead
terminology is that?
309
00:14:21,041 --> 00:14:22,099
"What size you want, man?"
310
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,177
" I don't know, man,
I just gotta have it!
311
00:14:24,278 --> 00:14:26,610
" Put some ice cream in a cup
with some sprinkles!
312
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:29,444
" Put your dick
in a Butterfinger
and fuck it for me, please!
313
00:14:29,550 --> 00:14:32,951
" Put it in the cup! I need it!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
314
00:14:33,053 --> 00:14:35,647
" I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
315
00:14:35,756 --> 00:14:37,747
" I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!"
316
00:14:37,858 --> 00:14:40,850
(SINGING)
That's how it's done, son!
That's how it's done, son!
317
00:14:41,762 --> 00:14:43,525
Killed it, man.
Crowd was crazy.
318
00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:45,530
Is it always that wild
on a Wednesday?
319
00:14:45,632 --> 00:14:47,259
No, they were...
They seem pretty
good out there.
320
00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:48,334
I'm really
stepping up
my game.
321
00:14:48,435 --> 00:14:51,063
These bitches gotta
start paying me for this.
322
00:14:51,171 --> 00:14:54,572
Can't get no more free Randy.
I just fucked that
crowd in the ass.
323
00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:55,642
Yeah.
324
00:14:55,743 --> 00:14:57,711
Just awesome.
Just fucking bam!
325
00:14:57,811 --> 00:15:02,009
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me...
My stand-up's my dick.
326
00:15:02,182 --> 00:15:03,149
(EXCLAIMING)
327
00:15:03,951 --> 00:15:05,976
You know?
I'm gonna do
the same thing.
328
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,718
Bullshit! Let's get some
M&M's and chips going.
329
00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:10,812
Yellow!
MAN: Ira!
330
00:15:12,443 --> 00:15:14,536
Hey. Kevin Rooney
didn't show up,
331
00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:16,044
so you're gonna do
10 minutes after Leo.
332
00:15:16,747 --> 00:15:18,374
Really? Okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
333
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,382
(MOCKING) "Yeah,
thanks, yeah."
334
00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,046
(SCOFFS)
335
00:15:27,658 --> 00:15:30,286
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
Did he just tell you
you're going on next?
336
00:15:30,394 --> 00:15:32,294
Yeah, I'm on next.
Okay. Well,
I'm on after you,
337
00:15:32,396 --> 00:15:34,694
and if you go long,
this is going
to die in my pocket.
338
00:15:34,798 --> 00:15:35,787
(CHUCKLES)
339
00:15:35,899 --> 00:15:38,367
That wasn't a joke.
I'm not a comic.
340
00:15:38,636 --> 00:15:40,968
Okay, when you get the light
that means one minute.
341
00:15:41,071 --> 00:15:42,038
Okay.
342
00:15:42,339 --> 00:15:44,398
The other night,
I heard my balls
and my dick talking.
343
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:45,497
And my balls were like,
344
00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:48,455
"Are you okay?
345
00:15:48,562 --> 00:15:50,257
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
346
00:15:51,531 --> 00:15:53,021
"Is he hurting you?"
347
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,825
And my dick's like,
"You don't know him
like I do.
348
00:15:55,936 --> 00:15:58,097
" He's a great guy.
He loves me. "
349
00:15:59,573 --> 00:16:01,097
There's always one guy that
laughs way too hard in the...
350
00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:02,835
Hey. George Simmons
just showed up.
351
00:16:02,943 --> 00:16:05,070
He wants to go on,
so you are bumped.
352
00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:06,679
Okay, how long
does he do?
353
00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:07,769
How the fuck
should I know?
354
00:16:07,881 --> 00:16:09,473
He hasn't been here
in five years, but
you gotta be ready.
355
00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:10,572
Okay.
Okay.
356
00:16:10,684 --> 00:16:12,982
LEO: Thank you, guys!
It's really nice to be here!
357
00:16:13,086 --> 00:16:14,553
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
358
00:16:14,654 --> 00:16:16,349
See that?
I fucking killed out there.
Yeah, that was good.
359
00:16:16,456 --> 00:16:17,718
Watch out,
Leo, watch out.
All my new shit worked.
360
00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:18,813
Yeah.
Yeah.
361
00:16:18,925 --> 00:16:20,620
I was supposed
to go on after you.
George Simmons showed up.
362
00:16:20,727 --> 00:16:22,058
Now I'm gonna
go on after him.
363
00:16:22,162 --> 00:16:23,686
George Simmons
is going up right now?
Yeah.
364
00:16:23,797 --> 00:16:25,094
I just opened
for George Simmons?
365
00:16:25,198 --> 00:16:26,426
(SIGHS) Yeah.
366
00:16:26,533 --> 00:16:28,000
That's fucking
awesome, man!
367
00:16:28,535 --> 00:16:29,502
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
368
00:16:29,636 --> 00:16:31,433
Yeah!
369
00:16:32,072 --> 00:16:34,267
All right!
370
00:16:36,176 --> 00:16:38,144
Yeah, all right,
I'm scared.
371
00:16:38,245 --> 00:16:40,509
I'm scared
for all of you guys.
372
00:16:40,614 --> 00:16:44,550
You need me! You need me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
373
00:16:45,385 --> 00:16:49,446
Who's gonna amuse you?
It's so simple.
374
00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:50,716
You just look
at each other
and say...
375
00:16:50,824 --> 00:16:52,724
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
376
00:16:52,826 --> 00:16:53,815
Everyone's laughing.
377
00:16:55,679 --> 00:17:00,412
You people are so unamusing
you have to pay
another person
378
00:17:00,517 --> 00:17:03,850
to come and amuse you.
What do you do at home?
379
00:17:03,954 --> 00:17:05,854
Just sit, fucking antsy,
all day long,
380
00:17:05,956 --> 00:17:08,447
" When are we gonna get
to that amusement place?
381
00:17:08,558 --> 00:17:11,857
"Amuse me."
You should be thanking
me for those movies.
382
00:17:12,128 --> 00:17:14,221
" Oh! Finally, a movie.
Let's watch it together. "
383
00:17:14,331 --> 00:17:15,889
That's the beauty
of movies, by the way.
384
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,762
You go in there
and you don't have
to talk to each other.
385
00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:19,698
And it's fun.
You could stare
at the screen.
386
00:17:20,103 --> 00:17:23,664
And, " Maybe we don't hate
each other 'cause we both
like this movie.
387
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:24,762
(LAUGHS)
388
00:17:24,874 --> 00:17:27,468
" We are connecting on that.
389
00:17:28,011 --> 00:17:30,707
" Hey, we're still together.
390
00:17:30,814 --> 00:17:33,783
"All these years later,
we still love each other,
right?
391
00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:37,444
" During the movie, yes.
When the movie's over,
'You fucking bitch.
392
00:17:38,788 --> 00:17:43,088
" 'Why am I still with you?
We have nothing in common.
393
00:17:43,193 --> 00:17:45,058
"'Something's missing. '"
394
00:17:45,195 --> 00:17:47,425
Anyways, I have no religion.
395
00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:49,521
My parents did not
believe in God.
396
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,260
That was great.
They passed that along.
397
00:17:51,368 --> 00:17:52,460
I didn't even have
a fucking choice.
398
00:17:52,569 --> 00:17:55,197
They were like,
"Nope, don't do it."
399
00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:57,739
" Really? So, when Grandpa
dies he goes to heaven?"
400
00:17:57,841 --> 00:18:00,275
" Nope, he'll be
in the ground. "
401
00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,572
" Thanks, Dad.
Should I sleep now?
'Cause I...
402
00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:04,408
" There's no way I'll have
a nightmare tonight. "
403
00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:07,347
(EXCLAIMS) " Fuck you.
I don't believe
in nightmares, either.
404
00:18:07,984 --> 00:18:09,383
" Fags have nightmares.
405
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,945
" If there was a God,
why would there be
a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
406
00:18:14,674 --> 00:18:15,402
"Pleasant dreams."
407
00:18:15,507 --> 00:18:16,474
Simmons is getting
a little dark.
408
00:18:16,575 --> 00:18:17,735
What is he doing?
409
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,071
(EXHALES)
410
00:18:19,711 --> 00:18:22,271
(SOFTLY) When you hear
the waitress's footsteps
411
00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:27,481
that's when you know
you're not doing well.
412
00:18:29,288 --> 00:18:30,516
(SIGHS)
413
00:18:31,423 --> 00:18:33,323
Oh, boy,
it's quiet in here.
414
00:18:36,995 --> 00:18:38,087
You hear that?
415
00:18:40,899 --> 00:18:43,026
I think I can
hear the freeway.
416
00:18:44,369 --> 00:18:46,337
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
417
00:18:47,539 --> 00:18:50,940
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
418
00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:52,476
I'm kind of right
in the middle.
419
00:18:52,578 --> 00:18:54,978
So, like, if I had
a good personality,
420
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,014
that might make it so
girls really liked me,
421
00:18:57,115 --> 00:18:59,083
but I don't. So...
422
00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:01,113
Um... Uh...
423
00:19:02,454 --> 00:19:05,116
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
424
00:19:05,824 --> 00:19:07,257
Now what do we do?
425
00:19:07,826 --> 00:19:10,727
He seems unhappy
with his money.
Give it to me, I'll...
426
00:19:10,829 --> 00:19:13,389
I could really spend that.
427
00:19:13,932 --> 00:19:15,297
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
428
00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:17,558
If he's depressed with
his life, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
429
00:19:17,669 --> 00:19:19,864
I live on my friend's
pull-out couch.
430
00:19:20,939 --> 00:19:22,998
So, anyway, I...
Wait, did you hear that?
431
00:19:23,108 --> 00:19:26,441
Yeah, George Simmons
just shot himself
in the face backstage.
432
00:19:26,545 --> 00:19:28,843
It's sad knowing
MerMan's crying inside.
433
00:19:29,114 --> 00:19:30,274
Uh-oh!
434
00:19:30,682 --> 00:19:32,912
Is he organizing
a mass suicide?
Is that where you're going?
435
00:19:33,018 --> 00:19:34,576
Are you joining him?
436
00:19:34,686 --> 00:19:37,246
Save some Kool-Aid for me.
Just do it.
437
00:19:37,689 --> 00:19:41,523
Don't worry, the next guy
who's coming out has a dove
hidden up his asshole, so...
438
00:19:41,627 --> 00:19:43,720
And then Robin Williams
is gonna slit his wrists
out here.
439
00:19:43,829 --> 00:19:45,160
So, that's nice, also.
440
00:19:45,764 --> 00:19:49,063
I am Ira Wright, everybody.
Thank you, very much.
Have a good night.
441
00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:50,930
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
442
00:19:53,005 --> 00:19:53,994
(SIGHS)
443
00:19:54,106 --> 00:19:55,505
Give me a break.
444
00:20:01,547 --> 00:20:03,708
Yo! Hey! Hey!
445
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,919
This fucking guy.
446
00:20:11,890 --> 00:20:13,118
What's up?
447
00:20:13,225 --> 00:20:16,251
Hey. I'm sorry.
448
00:20:17,095 --> 00:20:20,223
I'm parked right on
the other side of you
and I can't get in.
449
00:20:20,332 --> 00:20:22,800
What, you come here
to make some jokes
to my face now?
450
00:20:22,901 --> 00:20:24,300
You're hard to follow.
I didn't know what to say.
451
00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:25,734
I'm sorry about that.
No, don't be.
452
00:20:26,038 --> 00:20:28,598
I would've done the same.
You had to comment on it.
453
00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:32,101
Yeah, you had
some funny shit.
454
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,234
You're a good writer.
455
00:20:33,345 --> 00:20:34,312
Thank you.
456
00:20:35,547 --> 00:20:39,415
Your friend...
Is that your friend?
The fatter version of you?
457
00:20:39,518 --> 00:20:41,748
He's my roommate.
Yeah, he's really funny.
458
00:20:41,853 --> 00:20:44,321
You got good stuff.
You're gonna be all right.
459
00:20:44,823 --> 00:20:46,791
Wow, that is so nice
of you to say, man.
460
00:20:46,892 --> 00:20:48,382
That's so...
I appreciate it. Hey!
461
00:20:48,493 --> 00:20:50,791
You know, well, I've been
a really big fan of yours.
All of us.
462
00:20:50,896 --> 00:20:53,330
We kind of grew up
on your shit and,
you know, incidentally.
463
00:20:53,432 --> 00:20:55,900
So, that's so nice of you
to say, man. Thanks.
464
00:20:57,502 --> 00:20:58,662
Thank you!
465
00:20:59,905 --> 00:21:01,031
Nice to meet you, man!
466
00:21:01,139 --> 00:21:02,128
(ENGINE REVVING)
467
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,299
You're gonna die!
468
00:21:06,345 --> 00:21:08,870
And I'm gonna
kill you!
469
00:21:09,114 --> 00:21:10,445
(LAUGHING)
470
00:21:10,716 --> 00:21:12,581
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
471
00:21:12,684 --> 00:21:14,481
Man, that was awesome.
472
00:21:14,953 --> 00:21:16,853
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
473
00:21:25,464 --> 00:21:26,431
LEO: Cats.
474
00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:29,460
Can you dig it?
Mmm-hmm.
475
00:21:29,568 --> 00:21:30,830
Just a bunch of cats.
476
00:21:31,503 --> 00:21:32,936
Then me doing stuff.
477
00:21:33,538 --> 00:21:35,563
Then back to the
cats doing stuff.
478
00:21:36,508 --> 00:21:39,636
You've gotten 700,000 hits
in four days from this?
479
00:21:39,745 --> 00:21:43,613
Yep. If you put
"cute kitten" in the title
of your YouTube video,
480
00:21:43,715 --> 00:21:45,182
you're gonna get
a million hits.
Mmm-hmm.
481
00:21:45,283 --> 00:21:46,807
And then I link
that to my website
482
00:21:46,918 --> 00:21:49,443
and you can see my
stand-up on my website.
It's genius.
483
00:21:49,554 --> 00:21:52,523
Why don't you
just call it like,
"Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
484
00:21:52,624 --> 00:21:54,990
And then more people
would google that.
485
00:21:55,093 --> 00:21:58,153
Hi. I've got two girls
coming over here
in a little bit.
486
00:21:58,263 --> 00:22:00,697
Can you fold up
your bed, please,
into the couch?
487
00:22:00,799 --> 00:22:02,767
I don't want the place
to look like a mess
when they get here.
488
00:22:02,868 --> 00:22:03,835
Okay, I'm sorry.
I was watching this thing.
489
00:22:03,935 --> 00:22:04,902
(PHONE RINGING)
490
00:22:05,003 --> 00:22:06,265
MARK: All right? Okay.
491
00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:10,100
Hello?
492
00:22:10,542 --> 00:22:12,169
Hey, this is George Simmons.
493
00:22:12,611 --> 00:22:13,600
(LAUGHS)
494
00:22:13,712 --> 00:22:15,771
Fuck you, Craig.
What's happening, man?
495
00:22:15,881 --> 00:22:18,873
It's not your
dumb-ass friend Craig.
It's George Simmons.
496
00:22:20,252 --> 00:22:21,241
Oh!
497
00:22:21,353 --> 00:22:24,151
I'm sorry. Hey.
Hey, how's it going, man?
498
00:22:24,256 --> 00:22:27,225
Hey, hey,
good job last night.
You guys were pretty funny.
499
00:22:27,325 --> 00:22:30,294
You and the triple-XL
version of you.
500
00:22:30,862 --> 00:22:34,662
Oh. Yeah. Thank...
Thank you. That's...
I... Well, I appreciate that.
501
00:22:34,766 --> 00:22:36,825
You guys are all right.
Good job. I...
502
00:22:37,202 --> 00:22:40,694
I'm doing this
corporate gig
for MySpace
503
00:22:41,273 --> 00:22:44,367
and I'm gonna need
some jokes and shit.
504
00:22:44,476 --> 00:22:47,070
I was thinking maybe you guys
would want to write me some.
505
00:22:49,114 --> 00:22:52,709
You know, he's kind of
a flaky guy, but I'm...
506
00:22:52,818 --> 00:22:54,183
I've got nothing
going on, man.
507
00:22:54,286 --> 00:22:57,653
I would...
I'd love to do that.
Sure. Totally. I'm in.
508
00:22:58,123 --> 00:22:59,317
What kind of jokes
do you need?
509
00:22:59,725 --> 00:23:02,819
Just shit about them
or computers
or whatever they like.
510
00:23:02,928 --> 00:23:05,988
When you sprinkle
a little lemon there,
they get excited, you know.
511
00:23:06,131 --> 00:23:07,996
That's no problem.
That makes sense.
512
00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:10,364
So, you want to be held
accountable, come watch
me do them tomorrow?
513
00:23:10,469 --> 00:23:11,902
I'll take you to the gig.
Okay, cool, yeah.
514
00:23:12,003 --> 00:23:14,661
How should I...
How should I...
How should I get them to you?
515
00:23:15,574 --> 00:23:18,304
I can give you my fax
number and my e-mail.
516
00:23:18,410 --> 00:23:19,502
What's your e-mail?
517
00:23:19,611 --> 00:23:21,806
My e-mail?
518
00:23:21,913 --> 00:23:28,148
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
519
00:23:30,455 --> 00:23:32,923
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting
to reconsider asking you.
520
00:23:33,024 --> 00:23:35,390
Don't do that.
It's from high school.
It was funny then.
521
00:23:35,494 --> 00:23:36,791
Yeah, you should
change it.
522
00:23:36,895 --> 00:23:38,624
It's, like,
13 years old.
Okay, I will.
523
00:23:38,730 --> 00:23:39,992
I mean change it now.
524
00:23:40,098 --> 00:23:42,225
Okay, I'll change it,
I'll change it ASAP.
525
00:23:43,301 --> 00:23:44,996
Okay, don't say
"ASAP," either.
526
00:23:45,103 --> 00:23:48,937
And don't say "I'm chilling"
or "It's all good"
or any of that stuff.
527
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,066
Okay, I don't.
I don't chill anyway,
so I won't.
528
00:23:52,177 --> 00:23:54,372
And it's not all good,
so don't worry.
529
00:23:54,479 --> 00:23:55,969
Okay, Ira.
Okay.
530
00:23:56,114 --> 00:23:57,843
All right, Ira.
531
00:23:57,949 --> 00:23:59,416
(LAUGHING)
532
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,785
Guys, that was
George Simmons
on the phone.
533
00:24:04,890 --> 00:24:06,289
He saw me
do stand-up.
534
00:24:06,391 --> 00:24:08,757
He thinks I'm funny!
He wants me
to write jokes for him!
535
00:24:08,860 --> 00:24:10,327
What?
Yep!
536
00:24:10,862 --> 00:24:11,829
Why?
537
00:24:11,930 --> 00:24:13,420
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
538
00:24:13,532 --> 00:24:15,022
This doesn't make
any sense at all.
539
00:24:15,133 --> 00:24:16,100
No?
540
00:24:16,635 --> 00:24:18,296
Jeez, I gotta
get started.
541
00:24:19,604 --> 00:24:20,571
What is happening?
542
00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:21,866
You forgot about the bed!
543
00:24:24,476 --> 00:24:27,001
Friends.
Friends on MySpace.
Nerds.
544
00:24:27,112 --> 00:24:29,580
Nerds... Nerds have
no friends in real life.
545
00:24:29,681 --> 00:24:33,139
The more friends on MySpace,
the less friends
you have in real life.
546
00:24:33,251 --> 00:24:35,185
"How does the softball
team at MySpace work?
547
00:24:35,287 --> 00:24:38,120
"Does everyone
get picked last?"
That could be funny.
548
00:24:38,223 --> 00:24:40,657
At some point, you should have
George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
549
00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:42,386
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
550
00:24:42,494 --> 00:24:43,722
(BOTH LAUGH)
551
00:24:43,829 --> 00:24:47,663
So, like, that's funny.
All right, tell George
I wrote that, okay?
552
00:24:47,766 --> 00:24:48,755
Totally. Totally, man.
You gotta be like,
553
00:24:48,867 --> 00:24:50,459
"Leo wrote that."
Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
554
00:25:04,449 --> 00:25:06,110
Hey, Ira,
I think this is him!
555
00:25:09,187 --> 00:25:10,154
(CHUCKLES)
556
00:25:10,255 --> 00:25:11,654
He's got a limo!
557
00:25:11,756 --> 00:25:12,745
Can we go out
and meet him?
558
00:25:12,858 --> 00:25:13,984
No, no, no.
You can't say
hi to him.
559
00:25:14,092 --> 00:25:16,026
Just let me get in
with him a little more
560
00:25:16,127 --> 00:25:17,389
before I introduce
people to him.
561
00:25:17,495 --> 00:25:18,894
Don't kiss his ass
too hard, all right?
562
00:25:18,997 --> 00:25:21,090
Stars hate it
when you kiss
their ass too hard.
563
00:25:21,199 --> 00:25:23,030
I hate it when people
kiss my ass too hard.
You do?
564
00:25:23,134 --> 00:25:24,431
You hate it when people
kiss your ass too hard?
565
00:25:24,536 --> 00:25:25,833
I hate it.
566
00:25:34,045 --> 00:25:35,012
Man!
567
00:25:35,113 --> 00:25:37,911
Hey. I feel like
we're going to prom.
568
00:25:38,016 --> 00:25:41,543
Okay, well, we're not.
Okay, let's hit it!
569
00:25:43,355 --> 00:25:45,084
This is good.
I like this one
570
00:25:45,190 --> 00:25:48,921
about the guy from MySpace
and the guy from Craigslist
getting into a fight.
571
00:25:49,027 --> 00:25:50,187
That's funny.
572
00:25:50,295 --> 00:25:51,694
You're excited.
573
00:25:51,796 --> 00:25:52,763
I am excited.
574
00:25:52,864 --> 00:25:53,990
Yeah, that's good.
It's good to be excited.
575
00:25:54,099 --> 00:25:55,327
I used to be excited.
576
00:25:55,433 --> 00:25:57,594
Well, it's awesome.
It's exciting.
577
00:25:58,036 --> 00:26:00,027
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
578
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:02,971
(EXCLAIMS)
579
00:26:03,408 --> 00:26:05,035
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
580
00:26:05,176 --> 00:26:06,575
Wow!
581
00:26:14,719 --> 00:26:15,981
GEORGE: Thank you!
582
00:26:26,698 --> 00:26:27,824
Yeah!
583
00:26:29,434 --> 00:26:31,834
Brought the nice legs
with you. Good job.
584
00:26:31,937 --> 00:26:33,564
Hello, hello.
Good to see you, sir.
585
00:26:33,672 --> 00:26:34,934
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
586
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,029
The name's Dave.
Hi, Dave.
587
00:26:36,141 --> 00:26:37,165
We may hit a few
bumps up there,
588
00:26:37,275 --> 00:26:38,469
nothing too crazy.
We'll get you there.
589
00:26:38,576 --> 00:26:39,565
Okay, cool!
All right.
590
00:26:39,678 --> 00:26:41,612
Hope you enjoy
Chinese food.
I love it!
591
00:26:41,713 --> 00:26:43,613
Very good.
Enjoy your flight.
Thank you.
592
00:26:44,482 --> 00:26:45,449
Wow!
593
00:26:50,588 --> 00:26:52,715
You guys were a little late,
so we had to put up
James Taylor first.
594
00:26:52,824 --> 00:26:55,759
Karen, she's a silver sun
595
00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:59,421
You'd best walk her way
and watch it shine
596
00:27:00,665 --> 00:27:03,964
Watch her watch
the morning come
597
00:27:06,571 --> 00:27:13,204
A silver tear appearing now
that I'm cryin', ain't I
598
00:27:13,678 --> 00:27:18,115
I'm going to Carolina
in my mind
599
00:27:18,216 --> 00:27:19,410
How'd you guys get him?
600
00:27:19,517 --> 00:27:20,643
Everybody's got
their price.
601
00:27:20,752 --> 00:27:23,277
Last year, we had Roger Waters
doing Dark Side of the Moon.
602
00:27:24,356 --> 00:27:26,950
That love's
the finest thing around...
603
00:27:27,092 --> 00:27:30,061
Okay, I thought it could
be funny if you just go,
604
00:27:30,161 --> 00:27:32,095
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
605
00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,825
All right.
Hey, you do five minutes
before I go up there.
606
00:27:35,533 --> 00:27:38,900
What? No. No, I can't
follow Fire and Rain.
Are you kidding me, man?
607
00:27:39,004 --> 00:27:41,199
I can't follow it, either.
That's why you're going
up there.
608
00:27:41,773 --> 00:27:48,645
Oh, yeah
609
00:27:52,450 --> 00:27:54,179
Thank you, MySpace!
610
00:27:57,322 --> 00:27:58,755
Fuck Facebook!
611
00:27:58,857 --> 00:28:00,654
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
612
00:28:01,426 --> 00:28:03,291
I can't believe that.
He did the Facebook joke!
613
00:28:03,395 --> 00:28:05,056
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
He did the Facebook...
614
00:28:05,163 --> 00:28:07,188
I can't follow this, man.
I can't go on right now.
615
00:28:07,298 --> 00:28:10,995
Give me this shit.
Get up there. Be a man.
616
00:28:13,104 --> 00:28:14,799
This is a pretty big room.
617
00:28:17,342 --> 00:28:18,331
Lot of people here.
618
00:28:19,961 --> 00:28:23,055
Let's have another
round of applause
for James Taylor, everybody.
619
00:28:30,171 --> 00:28:32,662
Yeah, do you
actually use MySpace?
620
00:28:33,842 --> 00:28:36,743
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
I don't have time for that.
621
00:28:37,512 --> 00:28:40,777
I wonder if Tom and Craig
from Craigslist would ever get
in a fight with each other.
622
00:28:40,882 --> 00:28:41,871
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
623
00:28:41,983 --> 00:28:44,611
Who would win that fight?
That's what I want to know.
624
00:28:49,090 --> 00:28:51,183
Tom or Craig,
who's tougher?
625
00:28:51,893 --> 00:28:55,056
Tom has more friends,
so that's probably good.
626
00:28:55,163 --> 00:28:57,028
Craig has weirder
friends, though.
627
00:28:57,132 --> 00:28:58,599
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
628
00:28:58,700 --> 00:29:02,534
Craig has friends that
are willing to do a lot more
for cash. I will say that.
629
00:29:08,910 --> 00:29:09,899
Eh?
630
00:29:10,011 --> 00:29:10,978
What the fuck
was that all about?
631
00:29:11,079 --> 00:29:12,603
You did all the jokes
you wrote for me.
632
00:29:12,714 --> 00:29:15,012
Oh, man, I know.
I'm sorry. I panicked.
It's all they wanted.
633
00:29:15,116 --> 00:29:16,515
They just wanted
MySpace jokes.
They didn't want...
634
00:29:16,618 --> 00:29:17,846
That's why I hired you
to write me MySpace jokes.
635
00:29:17,952 --> 00:29:19,214
I know, I'm sorry.
That one,
I didn't tell that one.
636
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:20,309
That one will work.
637
00:29:20,421 --> 00:29:21,388
I guarantee you.
638
00:29:21,489 --> 00:29:23,457
It better work.
They're paying me
300 grand.
639
00:29:23,558 --> 00:29:25,321
TOM: Mr. George Simmons!
Really?
640
00:29:29,631 --> 00:29:33,692
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, Tom, thank you.
641
00:29:33,802 --> 00:29:37,397
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
642
00:29:37,505 --> 00:29:40,872
What about Ira, everybody?
How'd you feel
about Ira Wright? Yeah.
643
00:29:40,975 --> 00:29:42,670
That guy, man.
644
00:29:42,777 --> 00:29:46,372
He is such a fucking nerd,
I can't believe he doesn't
work with you people.
645
00:29:47,849 --> 00:29:51,080
Tom started MySpace
just to get friends,
I know it.
646
00:29:51,853 --> 00:29:53,844
So, they say the more friends
you have on MySpace,
647
00:29:53,955 --> 00:29:57,857
the less friends
you have in real life.
You know?
648
00:29:57,959 --> 00:30:00,621
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"I have 100,000
friends on MySpace!
649
00:30:01,196 --> 00:30:02,663
" Yes!
650
00:30:03,865 --> 00:30:07,733
" Isn't that great?
I have so many friends
on the computer. "
651
00:30:08,536 --> 00:30:09,503
"What are you doing tonight?"
652
00:30:09,604 --> 00:30:11,401
" I'll be on the computer.
653
00:30:12,273 --> 00:30:13,900
"That's what I do."
654
00:30:17,645 --> 00:30:20,580
I hate the new generation
of coolness out there.
655
00:30:20,682 --> 00:30:24,948
You just never get any
information out of people
you talk to, the youngsters.
656
00:30:25,053 --> 00:30:27,180
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Just chilling."
657
00:30:27,689 --> 00:30:30,317
All right.
I know, you're chilling.
658
00:30:31,392 --> 00:30:35,829
"What're you doing tonight?"
"Things." "Okay."
659
00:30:35,930 --> 00:30:38,194
I like dumb people, you know.
They like to talk to you.
660
00:30:38,299 --> 00:30:40,767
"Hey, what's going on?"
"I like lollypops."
661
00:30:40,869 --> 00:30:42,200
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
662
00:30:42,303 --> 00:30:43,270
"Good."
663
00:30:46,808 --> 00:30:49,402
" My favorite color
is butterscotch. "
664
00:30:50,411 --> 00:30:55,508
Do you ever get tired
of singing the same songs,
you know, over and over?
665
00:30:56,384 --> 00:30:59,080
Do you ever get tired
of talking about your dick?
666
00:31:00,188 --> 00:31:02,622
Yeah, I don't like...
I don't like
blowjobs very much.
667
00:31:02,724 --> 00:31:04,487
I don't like...
A lot of guys
like the blowjobs,
668
00:31:04,592 --> 00:31:08,119
I don't love them.
I never know what to do
with my hands. You know?
669
00:31:08,229 --> 00:31:10,026
I'm always like...
670
00:31:10,632 --> 00:31:12,395
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
671
00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:16,960
You can either go
hands on the hips
or the salute is fun.
672
00:31:20,942 --> 00:31:22,409
Yeah, it's always shocking
when a girl blows you.
673
00:31:22,510 --> 00:31:24,637
You're like, " Really?
You want to do it? All right. "
674
00:31:25,213 --> 00:31:26,874
I got some advice
for the ladies out there.
675
00:31:26,981 --> 00:31:31,384
When you are performing
that act on a fellow
don't ever say,
676
00:31:31,486 --> 00:31:34,546
" You know, you're the first
guy I ever got the whole
thing in my mouth.
677
00:31:34,656 --> 00:31:36,351
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
678
00:31:36,457 --> 00:31:41,690
" Normally, normally, I get,
like, halfway down and I just
start fucking choking,
679
00:31:42,196 --> 00:31:47,065
" but with you,
I got a ball in my mouth!
680
00:31:47,268 --> 00:31:49,133
" That's never happened!
681
00:31:50,405 --> 00:31:56,071
" Look, I have him
in my mouth right now, and
I'm speaking perfectly clear.
682
00:31:57,679 --> 00:31:59,772
"Normally I have a stutter."
683
00:32:01,649 --> 00:32:04,641
That wasn't a pee,
that was a shit.
That took too long.
684
00:32:04,752 --> 00:32:06,743
Here's 1,000 bucks.
Good job.
685
00:32:06,854 --> 00:32:08,617
Thank you so much, man.
686
00:32:08,723 --> 00:32:10,953
I've never made this much
money doing anything, man.
Thank you.
687
00:32:11,059 --> 00:32:14,358
Good.
I'm thinking about doing
a lot more stand-up.
688
00:32:14,462 --> 00:32:15,429
Okay.
689
00:32:15,530 --> 00:32:17,794
And my assistant
got pregnant.
690
00:32:17,899 --> 00:32:20,231
I didn't even know she...
I thought she was
a fucking lesbian
691
00:32:20,335 --> 00:32:21,302
the whole time, but...
692
00:32:21,402 --> 00:32:22,630
They can get
pregnant, too.
693
00:32:23,771 --> 00:32:25,136
That's nice.
That's very nice.
Yeah.
694
00:32:25,239 --> 00:32:28,731
So, you want to kind
of assist me, you know?
695
00:32:28,843 --> 00:32:29,935
Yeah! Yeah.
I mean, not, not...
696
00:32:30,044 --> 00:32:31,272
I mean, you can write
jokes for me, too,
697
00:32:31,379 --> 00:32:32,368
but get me sodas...
698
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:33,447
Whatever you need, man!
699
00:32:33,548 --> 00:32:35,209
...and, like,
clean my shit up and...
Yeah.
700
00:32:35,316 --> 00:32:36,806
How much money
you make now?
701
00:32:36,918 --> 00:32:38,351
It depends
on how many hours.
702
00:32:38,453 --> 00:32:39,715
Usually,
I can get about...
703
00:32:39,821 --> 00:32:41,550
I'll give you
1,500 bucks a week.
704
00:32:41,656 --> 00:32:43,283
That's amazing, man.
Thank you so much.
705
00:32:43,391 --> 00:32:44,790
You want to fuck
these two girls?
706
00:32:46,294 --> 00:32:48,762
Hey, the JT.
707
00:32:49,397 --> 00:32:51,024
George.
That was the best.
You killed them.
708
00:32:51,132 --> 00:32:52,099
Ira.
709
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,361
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Taylor.
Yes, hello.
710
00:32:54,769 --> 00:32:55,793
You wanna fuck
these girls?
711
00:32:55,903 --> 00:32:59,999
I filled my quota
in 1982, I believe.
712
00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:01,234
All right, I'll have
to figure this shit out.
713
00:33:01,342 --> 00:33:02,331
I know those girls.
714
00:33:02,443 --> 00:33:04,138
You do?
Do you want
to meet those girls?
715
00:33:04,245 --> 00:33:06,770
Will you fucking settle down?
Yeah, talk to them.
Be gentle.
716
00:33:06,981 --> 00:33:10,109
You're twitching
like a fucking madman.
That guy in porno?
717
00:33:10,618 --> 00:33:12,176
No. I would know.
No?
718
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:17,974
Mandy.
Well, hi there.
719
00:33:18,075 --> 00:33:20,100
You're still swimming?
Get the fuck out of there.
720
00:33:20,210 --> 00:33:21,905
I'm ready for you.
721
00:33:22,012 --> 00:33:23,343
Yeah. Oh, my God.
722
00:33:25,749 --> 00:33:27,546
Oh, God.
Feel that stomach.
Oh. Yeah.
723
00:33:27,651 --> 00:33:29,175
I like that thing.
Good. Well, go for it.
724
00:33:29,286 --> 00:33:30,719
It's hard. Bam!
725
00:33:30,954 --> 00:33:31,921
(EXCLAIMING)
726
00:33:33,424 --> 00:33:34,721
MANDY: This house is crazy.
727
00:33:34,825 --> 00:33:36,087
GEORGE: Oh, yeah,
you got to see
the whole thing.
728
00:33:36,193 --> 00:33:37,922
Come here.
It came furnished.
729
00:33:38,028 --> 00:33:39,017
Really?
730
00:33:39,129 --> 00:33:40,096
(GEORGE MOANING)
731
00:33:40,197 --> 00:33:43,428
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira.
He wrote a lot of good
jokes for me there, honey.
732
00:33:43,534 --> 00:33:46,332
Make sure he shows
you his cock.
It's very, very thick.
733
00:33:46,437 --> 00:33:47,426
(BOTH LAUGHING)
734
00:33:47,538 --> 00:33:49,005
See you, George.
735
00:33:54,712 --> 00:33:57,203
Hey, wanna have a contest
to see who can hold
their breath the longest?
736
00:33:57,314 --> 00:33:58,508
(GASPS)
737
00:34:07,091 --> 00:34:08,285
(SPITS)
738
00:34:10,227 --> 00:34:11,854
You didn't go under.
739
00:34:13,630 --> 00:34:15,962
Nothing's gonna
happen between us.
740
00:34:18,168 --> 00:34:20,932
I can't believe
I'm having sex
with George Simmons.
741
00:34:21,205 --> 00:34:23,469
Yeah, he can't
believe it, either.
742
00:34:23,807 --> 00:34:26,207
My dad loves
your movies.
743
00:34:26,310 --> 00:34:29,939
Yeah, that's the best
when you talk
about your dad.
744
00:34:30,047 --> 00:34:31,105
(MOANING)
745
00:34:32,916 --> 00:34:34,713
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
746
00:34:38,689 --> 00:34:41,249
Dad, this won't
bring Mom back!
747
00:34:41,358 --> 00:34:44,350
I have nothing else!
748
00:34:44,461 --> 00:34:47,225
BOY: You're a champion, Dad!
You're a champion!
749
00:34:53,203 --> 00:34:54,966
Oh! You're still here.
750
00:34:56,206 --> 00:34:57,764
I know that asshole.
751
00:34:58,909 --> 00:35:00,774
You two were
just fucking, huh?
How'd that go?
752
00:35:00,878 --> 00:35:04,143
No, I have a boyfriend.
We already talked about it.
753
00:35:04,448 --> 00:35:06,006
Yeah. John.
Yeah.
754
00:35:06,550 --> 00:35:09,110
Your friend took off.
She thought you left, so...
755
00:35:09,219 --> 00:35:10,186
Really?
756
00:35:10,287 --> 00:35:11,515
That's what happens
in a big house.
757
00:35:11,622 --> 00:35:12,919
It's called
"the big house
problem."
758
00:35:13,023 --> 00:35:15,617
Your friend actually
left her purse
down the hall.
759
00:35:15,726 --> 00:35:17,159
You want to go
get it with me?
760
00:35:17,261 --> 00:35:18,228
Oh. Okay.
761
00:35:20,230 --> 00:35:21,561
(MUMBLING)
762
00:35:23,534 --> 00:35:25,195
Don't you leave
on me, Ira.
763
00:35:25,736 --> 00:35:26,896
Fuck me like MerMan!
764
00:35:27,004 --> 00:35:30,303
Come on! Do MerMan!
Do the MerMan call!
765
00:35:30,674 --> 00:35:31,641
Come on!
766
00:35:31,742 --> 00:35:34,643
(WHOOPING)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, God!
767
00:35:39,716 --> 00:35:41,081
Hey.
Oh. Hey.
768
00:35:41,685 --> 00:35:43,778
Sorry about
the chick, man. I...
769
00:35:43,887 --> 00:35:46,287
You weren't getting it done,
so something had to happen.
770
00:35:46,390 --> 00:35:48,449
Oh, that's... No, she...
I wasn't even trying.
771
00:35:48,559 --> 00:35:50,288
She told me
she had a boyfriend.
772
00:35:50,694 --> 00:35:53,288
Oh, yeah. She told me
she had a boyfriend, too.
773
00:35:53,397 --> 00:35:56,161
(SINGING) When she
was sucking my cock!
774
00:35:56,266 --> 00:35:57,494
(GAGGING)
775
00:35:57,901 --> 00:35:59,232
(RETCHING)
776
00:36:00,737 --> 00:36:02,728
What the fuck are you doing
with that big dick of yours?
777
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,003
You gotta use it!
You gotta share
Thickie with the world.
778
00:36:06,109 --> 00:36:07,770
I don't... It's normal.
779
00:36:07,878 --> 00:36:11,211
You want to go upstairs, man?
Talk to me while
I try to fall asleep?
780
00:36:12,149 --> 00:36:14,617
Okay, if...
Yeah, if that's
what you want me to do.
781
00:36:15,686 --> 00:36:19,986
Yeah, yeah.
Sit down, man.
That was a fun night.
782
00:36:20,557 --> 00:36:21,546
That was a good night.
783
00:36:21,658 --> 00:36:22,625
Yeah, that was crazy.
784
00:36:22,726 --> 00:36:23,693
Yeah.
785
00:36:23,794 --> 00:36:26,558
So, you slept with
both those girls, man.
786
00:36:27,497 --> 00:36:28,657
How did you do that?
787
00:36:29,166 --> 00:36:30,861
How did I do that?
There's this...
788
00:36:30,968 --> 00:36:34,927
Girls like famous guys.
It's a story for them,
I guess. I don't know.
789
00:36:35,038 --> 00:36:36,733
I take advantage
of it, though.
790
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,933
Believe me, they always
leave disappointed.
791
00:36:39,543 --> 00:36:41,477
(YAWNING)
That's amazing.
792
00:36:43,780 --> 00:36:46,442
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
about this name, Ira Wright.
793
00:36:46,550 --> 00:36:48,415
That's not your
real name, right?
794
00:36:49,086 --> 00:36:50,212
How could you tell?
795
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,344
(CHUCKLES)
796
00:36:51,455 --> 00:36:53,480
You're hiding some Judaism.
797
00:36:53,590 --> 00:36:55,455
No, my real
last name is Wiener.
798
00:36:55,559 --> 00:36:57,288
It's Ira Wiener
and everyone...
799
00:36:57,394 --> 00:37:01,330
It's spelled the same
as "wiener" and I just got
tired of correcting people.
800
00:37:01,431 --> 00:37:03,729
So, that's what led you
to the path of comedy.
801
00:37:03,834 --> 00:37:06,894
Being humiliated every day.
First day of school,
802
00:37:07,004 --> 00:37:08,995
(IN FEMALE VOICE)
"Is Ira Wiener here?"
803
00:37:09,106 --> 00:37:10,073
And you were in the back.
804
00:37:10,173 --> 00:37:13,734
(IN KID'S VOICE)
"Wiener. My name's Wiener."
805
00:37:13,844 --> 00:37:16,244
You little fruit.
What were your parents like?
806
00:37:16,346 --> 00:37:19,315
What are the older
"Wieners" or Wieners like?
807
00:37:20,317 --> 00:37:21,341
My parents are divorced.
808
00:37:21,451 --> 00:37:26,286
They hate each other.
My mother thinks
my father's the devil.
809
00:37:27,624 --> 00:37:29,785
I don't know
what that makes me,
technically, but...
810
00:37:30,227 --> 00:37:32,320
So, you'll never
be as funny as me.
811
00:37:32,429 --> 00:37:33,418
Why not?
812
00:37:33,530 --> 00:37:36,522
Your generation
has the divorces,
which is cute-funny,
813
00:37:36,633 --> 00:37:42,196
but my generation has the,
"Oh, my God, my father's
about to hit me with a bat!"
814
00:37:43,373 --> 00:37:48,811
I just... You gotta break out
the funny a lot quicker than
your little faggy childhood.
815
00:37:48,912 --> 00:37:50,140
(YAWNING)
816
00:37:50,847 --> 00:37:52,371
Are you serious?
817
00:37:52,482 --> 00:37:55,883
I spent my whole
childhood trying
to make my father laugh.
818
00:37:56,553 --> 00:37:59,386
I still haven't succeeded,
but we'll get there.
819
00:38:04,962 --> 00:38:08,728
Don't bail on me yet.
Keep it coming.
820
00:38:09,466 --> 00:38:11,491
When's the first time
you fingered a girl?
821
00:38:11,601 --> 00:38:14,866
I was at summer camp,
Jewish summer camp,
on the sports field.
822
00:38:17,641 --> 00:38:22,374
And her name
was Sharon Mizrahi.
823
00:38:23,146 --> 00:38:26,377
I didn't know what to do.
I got really scared.
824
00:38:26,483 --> 00:38:30,214
She reached down
and grabbed my penis
really hard,
825
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,151
like she was just
trying to murder it.
826
00:38:42,466 --> 00:38:43,797
Morning.
Yeah, baby.
827
00:38:43,900 --> 00:38:46,767
It took me three hours,
but I think
I found your kitchen.
828
00:38:47,270 --> 00:38:49,067
Am I in the
bathroom still?
Is that it?
829
00:38:49,172 --> 00:38:51,538
No, no.
You're good.
You're safe.
830
00:38:51,675 --> 00:38:52,642
What do you
got there?
831
00:38:52,743 --> 00:38:54,904
This is medicine, Ira.
I'm sick.
832
00:38:55,012 --> 00:38:57,674
One of those girls
have chlamydia?
I thought she smelled funny.
833
00:38:57,781 --> 00:38:59,408
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
834
00:38:59,950 --> 00:39:04,978
I have a weird blood disease.
AML. It's a form of leukemia.
835
00:39:05,722 --> 00:39:08,418
This is experimental
medicine from Canada.
836
00:39:09,159 --> 00:39:14,119
There's an 8% chance
of it working. So, fuck me.
837
00:39:14,564 --> 00:39:16,930
Well, that's not true
'cause if it was,
838
00:39:17,034 --> 00:39:18,661
I would've read about it
or heard about that.
839
00:39:18,769 --> 00:39:19,861
You didn't hear
about it because
840
00:39:19,970 --> 00:39:22,962
I didn't fucking
run out and tell
Entertainment Tonight.
841
00:39:23,073 --> 00:39:24,904
Well, why would
you tell me?
842
00:39:25,008 --> 00:39:26,805
'Cause I don't
really know you, Ira.
843
00:39:26,910 --> 00:39:30,038
I think you're not gonna
get too weird about this.
844
00:39:30,147 --> 00:39:33,480
I don't want to start
getting treated like
the guy who's gonna die.
845
00:39:33,784 --> 00:39:37,880
So, anyways, this shit's
got a lot of caffeine in it.
846
00:39:37,988 --> 00:39:40,923
They say that's good for you.
Let me take the medicine.
847
00:39:41,024 --> 00:39:42,548
Why are you telling
me this, George?
848
00:39:42,659 --> 00:39:45,492
'Cause I want you
to possibly do me a favor.
849
00:39:45,595 --> 00:39:46,789
Okay. Yeah. What?
850
00:39:47,597 --> 00:39:48,689
Kill me.
851
00:39:49,466 --> 00:39:50,433
What?
852
00:39:50,534 --> 00:39:51,660
Nobody knows
we know each other.
853
00:39:51,768 --> 00:39:54,328
You're a stranger.
You can get away with this.
854
00:39:54,438 --> 00:39:57,566
I got a gun
in the other room.
It's untraceable.
855
00:39:57,674 --> 00:40:00,666
I'll give you $50,000.
856
00:40:00,777 --> 00:40:06,807
Don't make me suffer.
Please, kill me, Ira.
I'm begging you.
857
00:40:07,117 --> 00:40:09,108
Can you at least
give me, like, a night
to think about it?
858
00:40:09,219 --> 00:40:10,345
Ha!
859
00:40:10,454 --> 00:40:12,445
Think about it?
You would do it!
860
00:40:12,556 --> 00:40:15,218
Oh, I hate you, man.
Oh, no!
861
00:40:15,325 --> 00:40:20,991
Ira, I misread you.
You're sick!
You're a murderer!
862
00:40:21,098 --> 00:40:22,087
Screw you, man.
863
00:40:22,199 --> 00:40:23,188
You wanted to do it!
864
00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:25,791
What would you have
done for $100,000?
Chop my head off?
865
00:40:25,902 --> 00:40:27,369
You would still
want to do it!
866
00:40:27,471 --> 00:40:29,200
That wasn't even
good acting over there!
867
00:40:29,306 --> 00:40:30,603
What the fuck?
That was good acting.
868
00:40:30,707 --> 00:40:32,698
Daniel Day-Lewis would've
crushed that speech.
869
00:40:32,809 --> 00:40:35,403
I bought that, man. Wow!
870
00:40:35,512 --> 00:40:38,743
Ira, you don't have
to kill me,
but I am gonna die.
871
00:40:39,149 --> 00:40:40,980
George, look.
Honestly, I'm like...
Don't get close, Ira.
872
00:40:41,084 --> 00:40:42,574
...a really gullible guy.
Don't do this.
873
00:40:42,686 --> 00:40:44,017
Look, my friends,
they trick me
all the time.
874
00:40:44,121 --> 00:40:45,782
One of my roommates told me
he was Joe Pesci's son.
875
00:40:45,889 --> 00:40:48,380
I believed him
for three years.
I still get shit for it,
876
00:40:48,492 --> 00:40:50,426
so just, please,
level with me, man.
877
00:40:50,527 --> 00:40:52,825
Are you serious?
I am serious, Ira.
878
00:40:53,363 --> 00:40:55,331
Don't tell anybody
about this though,
all right?
879
00:40:55,432 --> 00:40:56,990
I want it to be
our secret.
880
00:40:57,100 --> 00:40:59,660
Now, you're gonna
make me some eggs.
Okay, murderer?
881
00:41:00,203 --> 00:41:01,170
(SOFTLY) Don't say that.
882
00:41:01,271 --> 00:41:03,171
Just try not to kill
any of the staff
883
00:41:03,273 --> 00:41:05,969
while I'm gone, okay?
They have families.
884
00:41:06,743 --> 00:41:08,301
IRA: Well, he actually
tricked me first,
but then he showed...
885
00:41:08,411 --> 00:41:09,605
I mean,
he's taking medicine.
886
00:41:09,713 --> 00:41:12,204
He's getting this
special medicine
from Canada.
887
00:41:12,516 --> 00:41:14,381
MARK: Oh, my God,
that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
888
00:41:14,484 --> 00:41:18,011
Yeah. I think I'm the
only person he's told.
889
00:41:18,121 --> 00:41:21,090
That's what he said.
I mean, he's really...
He likes me, in a weird...
890
00:41:21,224 --> 00:41:23,852
I think he's, like,
taken a shine to me,
you know.
891
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,951
Not enough to let you in
on that two-on-one.
892
00:41:26,062 --> 00:41:27,359
Come on, that's
not appropriate.
893
00:41:27,464 --> 00:41:28,897
I don't want
that anyway.
894
00:41:30,734 --> 00:41:32,725
IRA: I just don't know.
I mean, it's...
895
00:41:32,836 --> 00:41:34,736
It's really scary.
I've never even...
896
00:41:34,838 --> 00:41:37,136
I don't think
I've known anyone
who's, like, sick,
897
00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:39,708
you know, in like
a major way before.
I don't... I just...
898
00:41:39,809 --> 00:41:42,642
LEO: George Simmons.
He's been around
my whole life.
899
00:41:42,746 --> 00:41:44,714
It's like Snap, Crackle
and Pop dying, you know?
900
00:41:44,814 --> 00:41:45,781
IRA: I know.
901
00:41:45,882 --> 00:41:47,474
Can we not talk
about this right now?
902
00:41:47,751 --> 00:41:49,878
I'm not really good
with the whole death thing.
903
00:41:49,986 --> 00:41:51,317
Is that all right?
904
00:41:51,421 --> 00:41:53,753
I need to talk about it, man.
I work for this guy now.
905
00:41:53,857 --> 00:41:55,984
I can't...
I mean, that's all I'm...
It's all I'm thinking about.
906
00:41:56,092 --> 00:41:59,994
I'm gonna tell you
this story that makes me
feel all right with death.
907
00:42:00,931 --> 00:42:03,661
When I was younger,
my grandfather died
908
00:42:03,767 --> 00:42:05,325
and we were all
gathered around him
909
00:42:05,435 --> 00:42:08,632
and there was
this one candle
next to his bed.
910
00:42:08,738 --> 00:42:13,937
And right after he died,
the candle started flickering
and then it just went out.
911
00:42:14,411 --> 00:42:15,435
Wow.
Yeah.
912
00:42:15,545 --> 00:42:18,309
And we looked around,
and there were no windows.
913
00:42:18,882 --> 00:42:21,407
Like, nothing
in that room.
914
00:42:22,152 --> 00:42:24,677
And it sounds crazy,
but we all thought
915
00:42:24,788 --> 00:42:27,120
it was him going
to heaven, you know?
916
00:42:27,224 --> 00:42:29,454
You don't pass through
fire to get to heaven.
917
00:42:29,559 --> 00:42:30,526
I think he went to hell.
918
00:42:30,627 --> 00:42:31,616
(SCOFFS)
919
00:42:31,728 --> 00:42:33,286
What'd you just say?
LEO: I just...
920
00:42:33,396 --> 00:42:35,091
I think your grandfather
probably went to hell.
921
00:42:35,198 --> 00:42:37,132
Don't do it.
Are you kidding
me right now?
922
00:42:37,234 --> 00:42:38,826
I'm... I'm sorry
to break it to you.
923
00:42:38,935 --> 00:42:40,061
You're gonna make
fun of me right now,
924
00:42:40,170 --> 00:42:42,195
just after I opened up
to you guys like that?
925
00:42:42,305 --> 00:42:44,000
It's not my fault
your grandfather's
in hell.
926
00:42:44,107 --> 00:42:45,165
It's not a big deal.
Some grandpas go to hell.
927
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:47,749
Come on.
Don't be a jerk to me
928
00:42:47,861 --> 00:42:49,419
just because I make
more money than you guys.
929
00:42:49,529 --> 00:42:50,496
How much do you make again?
930
00:42:50,597 --> 00:42:51,825
(LEO LAUGHING)
931
00:42:51,932 --> 00:42:54,901
You guys are just projecting
all your hatred onto me.
932
00:42:55,001 --> 00:42:56,400
Okay, and don't be
super bummed out
933
00:42:56,503 --> 00:42:59,404
'cause your grandfather's
playing backgammon
with Hitler right now.
934
00:42:59,506 --> 00:43:00,996
Shit, dude, don't.
935
00:43:01,141 --> 00:43:02,972
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
936
00:43:04,711 --> 00:43:06,338
GEORGE: I gotta get
rid of this stuff.
937
00:43:07,614 --> 00:43:10,139
Man, I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it.
938
00:43:11,184 --> 00:43:13,709
The more money you make,
the more free shit
they give you.
939
00:43:13,820 --> 00:43:18,280
It makes no sense.
I don't see any jet skiing
in my near future.
940
00:43:18,391 --> 00:43:20,052
All this shit was free?
941
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:21,127
You want a TV, Ira?
942
00:43:21,227 --> 00:43:24,492
I got, like, three
flat screens laying
around in there somewhere.
943
00:43:24,598 --> 00:43:27,761
Sure, I can... Yeah,
I can just take this stuff
to Goodwill if you want or...
944
00:43:27,867 --> 00:43:30,597
You know what?
Don't even worry
about this stuff. Let's...
945
00:43:30,704 --> 00:43:33,104
I got some cars in storage
you could sell for me
946
00:43:33,206 --> 00:43:35,231
and just give
that money to charity.
947
00:43:35,342 --> 00:43:36,309
I can do that, yeah.
948
00:43:36,409 --> 00:43:37,433
I'm gonna write
a list out for you,
949
00:43:37,544 --> 00:43:39,478
give you a bunch
of things
I want you to do.
950
00:43:39,579 --> 00:43:40,705
What size sneaker are you?
951
00:43:40,814 --> 00:43:41,781
Eleven and a half.
952
00:43:41,881 --> 00:43:44,975
(EXCLAIMS) You got that
thick cock, don't you?
I want to see that thing.
953
00:43:45,085 --> 00:43:46,780
Come on, pull the cock out.
954
00:43:46,886 --> 00:43:47,875
I'm not gonna
show it to you.
955
00:43:47,988 --> 00:43:48,955
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
956
00:43:49,055 --> 00:43:50,283
I'm not gonna do
anything with it.
957
00:43:50,390 --> 00:43:52,255
I just want to know
what I'm dealing with.
958
00:43:52,359 --> 00:43:53,417
If you give me an iPod.
959
00:43:53,526 --> 00:43:54,823
You asshole.
960
00:43:54,928 --> 00:43:56,361
All right, you can
have anything in here,
961
00:43:56,463 --> 00:43:58,363
but you gotta take
the MerMan poster.
962
00:43:58,465 --> 00:44:00,399
No, I want...
I love MerMan!
963
00:44:00,500 --> 00:44:01,797
I knew you loved MerMan.
964
00:44:01,901 --> 00:44:03,835
You and
five-year-olds
love MerMan.
965
00:44:04,504 --> 00:44:05,698
It's a smart movie.
966
00:44:07,674 --> 00:44:12,134
So, which, specifically,
of the cars belong
to George Simmons?
967
00:44:12,779 --> 00:44:14,303
Which one?
Yeah.
968
00:44:14,414 --> 00:44:15,608
All of them.
969
00:44:16,082 --> 00:44:17,413
All of them?
Yeah.
970
00:44:17,517 --> 00:44:18,882
Well...
971
00:44:19,419 --> 00:44:21,387
How would I go
about selling?
972
00:44:22,322 --> 00:44:23,880
Selling them?
Yeah.
973
00:44:24,324 --> 00:44:27,054
Well, I don't know about
selling them but I can
make a few disappear.
974
00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:28,491
You know what I'm saying?
975
00:44:29,462 --> 00:44:30,793
I don't want
to do that.
976
00:44:30,897 --> 00:44:32,865
I don't want
to do that, either.
977
00:44:33,099 --> 00:44:34,532
Just kidding.
978
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,604
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up!
Let's go on a bell.
Yo Teach!
979
00:44:43,710 --> 00:44:44,699
(BUZZING)
980
00:44:44,811 --> 00:44:46,005
And action!
981
00:44:46,112 --> 00:44:48,012
All right now...
Bradford!
982
00:44:48,114 --> 00:44:49,741
Yeah?
What is this?
983
00:44:51,768 --> 00:44:53,030
Bo's English test.
984
00:44:53,135 --> 00:44:54,466
Well, there's
a mistake.
985
00:44:55,404 --> 00:44:57,065
Well, yeah, there
are lots of mistakes.
986
00:44:57,172 --> 00:44:58,799
That's why
there's an F on it.
987
00:44:58,908 --> 00:45:02,400
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo
doesn't pass, he can't play
in the big game Friday.
988
00:45:02,511 --> 00:45:04,138
Either you
make this right,
989
00:45:04,246 --> 00:45:09,081
or you'll be spending
the summer teaching
driver's ed. Honk, honk!
990
00:45:10,386 --> 00:45:11,614
Shit.
991
00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:13,017
I can't be
a part of this.
I'm not...
992
00:45:13,122 --> 00:45:14,350
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
993
00:45:15,758 --> 00:45:17,282
This is just so painful,
though, isn't it?
994
00:45:17,393 --> 00:45:19,691
Yes, I want to kill myself.
995
00:45:20,596 --> 00:45:23,087
So, where are you from,
originally?
You just moved here, right?
996
00:45:23,198 --> 00:45:24,859
Yep. Delaware.
997
00:45:24,967 --> 00:45:27,868
Delaware! Our first
state in the Union.
998
00:45:27,970 --> 00:45:29,437
Yes, it is.
999
00:45:29,738 --> 00:45:31,865
That's great.
No sales tax
in Delaware, right?
1000
00:45:31,974 --> 00:45:33,635
Yeah, there's not.
That's weird.
1001
00:45:33,742 --> 00:45:35,642
You know so much
about Delaware.
1002
00:45:35,744 --> 00:45:37,336
You fucking Joe Biden?
1003
00:45:37,446 --> 00:45:39,414
He's from Delaware.
See? I knew that.
1004
00:45:40,516 --> 00:45:42,848
Bo, you're a smart kid.
I've seen you rap.
1005
00:45:42,952 --> 00:45:44,078
Yeah!
MARK: All right?
1006
00:45:44,186 --> 00:45:46,677
Now, I am willing to give
you a makeup exam on this,
all right?
1007
00:45:46,789 --> 00:45:48,051
Do you like music?
1008
00:45:48,157 --> 00:45:49,419
Did you just ask me
if I liked music?
1009
00:45:49,525 --> 00:45:52,289
Yeah. That... I'm...
I'm aware that
that's a weird question.
1010
00:45:52,394 --> 00:45:54,157
It's like asking me
if I like food.
1011
00:45:54,263 --> 00:45:56,254
That was my next question.
1012
00:45:56,498 --> 00:45:57,863
Yes.
Good.
1013
00:45:57,967 --> 00:46:01,562
Wilco. Do you like Wilco?
Wilco's playing
at the Greek Theatre.
1014
00:46:01,670 --> 00:46:04,138
And I was just
wondering if you maybe
wanted to go with me.
1015
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:06,503
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be
into that. I like Wilco.
1016
00:46:06,609 --> 00:46:07,598
Great.
1017
00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:12,147
Okay, great, great.
So, I guess we will go
to the show together.
1018
00:46:12,247 --> 00:46:13,612
Not anymore.
1019
00:46:14,717 --> 00:46:15,945
You serious?
1020
00:46:16,819 --> 00:46:18,514
No, I'll go.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1021
00:46:18,621 --> 00:46:19,610
Just don't say
that ever again.
1022
00:46:19,722 --> 00:46:20,689
Okay. I won't.
1023
00:46:20,789 --> 00:46:22,279
Yo, Teach!
Yeah?
1024
00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:24,417
Thanks.
1025
00:46:25,027 --> 00:46:25,994
Word.
1026
00:46:26,595 --> 00:46:32,661
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
1027
00:46:32,768 --> 00:46:36,329
My name is Wiener
1028
00:46:36,939 --> 00:46:40,033
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener
1029
00:46:40,142 --> 00:46:41,837
Don't call me wiener
1030
00:46:42,211 --> 00:46:45,510
Whatever.
You got any jokes
for me, dum-dum?
1031
00:46:45,614 --> 00:46:47,673
Got some good ones,
I think, actually.
1032
00:46:48,050 --> 00:46:51,542
I have a thing
about how, like,
you're rich, you know,
1033
00:46:51,654 --> 00:46:52,780
and so you bought
a private jet,
1034
00:46:52,888 --> 00:46:54,048
but you're
afraid of flying,
1035
00:46:54,156 --> 00:46:55,123
so you just
drive in it.
1036
00:46:55,224 --> 00:46:56,418
Oh, that's funny.
1037
00:46:56,525 --> 00:46:58,857
You just go to
drive-throughs
and car washes.
1038
00:46:58,961 --> 00:47:01,623
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll come up with the ending,
but that was good.
1039
00:47:02,231 --> 00:47:05,792
I thought it could
be funny about your balls,
you know, about how, like,
1040
00:47:05,901 --> 00:47:09,337
you're getting older
and you found the first
gray hair on your balls.
1041
00:47:09,438 --> 00:47:11,668
And it really worried you,
but then you realized
it was good
1042
00:47:11,774 --> 00:47:14,140
'cause it made
your balls look
distinguished and smart.
1043
00:47:14,243 --> 00:47:17,701
Like, if you gave your balls
a little tweed jacket with
elbow pads and a little pipe,
1044
00:47:17,813 --> 00:47:21,943
your balls could be like
a character Kevin Kline
would play in a movie.
1045
00:47:22,051 --> 00:47:25,043
Yeah, that's funny,
that's funny.
I could do that.
1046
00:47:25,154 --> 00:47:26,178
What else you got?
1047
00:47:26,288 --> 00:47:29,917
Actually, this just
kind of happened.
1048
00:47:30,993 --> 00:47:33,427
I'm making you
an iTunes playlist.
1049
00:47:33,529 --> 00:47:35,463
For what?
Sometimes,
when I'm upset,
1050
00:47:35,564 --> 00:47:39,000
music makes me
feel a little better,
so I thought maybe...
1051
00:47:39,101 --> 00:47:40,625
Oh, it's
a cheer-me-up thing?
1052
00:47:40,736 --> 00:47:41,896
I was gonna just
put it on your iPod.
1053
00:47:42,004 --> 00:47:43,266
I don't have to
play it right now.
1054
00:47:43,372 --> 00:47:45,203
For what?
For when I go out jogging?
I don't need to...
1055
00:47:45,307 --> 00:47:48,936
Let me hear it.
I don't jog anymore.
Let me hear my playlist.
1056
00:47:50,746 --> 00:47:52,611
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
1057
00:47:57,252 --> 00:48:00,312
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
1058
00:48:01,323 --> 00:48:03,154
Okay, you don't have
to make fun of it.
1059
00:48:03,258 --> 00:48:05,021
No, Bob Marley!
1060
00:48:05,127 --> 00:48:08,824
Yes. Everything
is gonna be all right.
You're right, Ira.
1061
00:48:08,931 --> 00:48:11,957
Bob Marley had cancer.
Everything wasn't
all right for Bob Marley.
1062
00:48:12,067 --> 00:48:13,398
He dead now.
1063
00:48:13,502 --> 00:48:14,935
(LAUGHS) What else
you put on there for me?
1064
00:48:15,037 --> 00:48:16,436
I really don't want
to do this, George.
1065
00:48:16,538 --> 00:48:17,971
Can we just... I'll...
Just forget I did this.
1066
00:48:18,073 --> 00:48:19,472
Ignore it.
I'll erase it, okay?
1067
00:48:19,575 --> 00:48:23,534
No, no, no, don't do that.
Let's hear what's gonna
cheer me up! This is good.
1068
00:48:23,645 --> 00:48:25,135
Come on. What else you got?
1069
00:48:25,247 --> 00:48:26,578
Okay, here's
the next one.
1070
00:48:26,682 --> 00:48:27,649
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1071
00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:33,245
(MOUTHING) Now I've had
the time of my life
1072
00:48:33,355 --> 00:48:36,153
No, I never felt
like this before
1073
00:48:36,258 --> 00:48:37,657
I don't know what
to say to that one.
1074
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,355
That's... That's just...
That's just fifth grade and...
1075
00:48:41,930 --> 00:48:44,899
Showing me your cock
was embarrassing,
but this is okay?
1076
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:46,797
Oh, God.
That's a good song.
1077
00:48:46,902 --> 00:48:50,065
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else?
Give me more. This is...
This is unbelievable.
1078
00:48:50,172 --> 00:48:51,867
(SIGHS) You sure you want
to hear another one?
1079
00:48:51,974 --> 00:48:52,963
I don't...
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
1080
00:48:53,075 --> 00:48:55,043
This is fun
to be cheered up.
1081
00:48:55,144 --> 00:48:56,133
(SIGHS) I'm sorry...
1082
00:48:56,245 --> 00:48:58,236
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1083
00:49:01,316 --> 00:49:05,685
(SINGING) Shadows are falling
And I'm running out of breath
1084
00:49:06,822 --> 00:49:09,791
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1085
00:49:11,593 --> 00:49:16,360
If I leave you,
it doesn't mean
I love you any less
1086
00:49:17,633 --> 00:49:20,693
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1087
00:49:22,371 --> 00:49:27,399
When you get up
in the morning
And you see that crazy sun
1088
00:49:28,410 --> 00:49:31,402
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1089
00:49:33,382 --> 00:49:36,317
Just write me some jokes,
you stupid, fucking idiot.
1090
00:49:36,418 --> 00:49:37,976
Okay, I'm sorry.
1091
00:49:39,188 --> 00:49:42,180
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1092
00:49:42,324 --> 00:49:43,313
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1093
00:49:43,425 --> 00:49:45,791
So, I'm not married.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna get married.
1094
00:49:45,894 --> 00:49:47,919
I just... I can't find
a reason to do it, you know?
1095
00:49:48,030 --> 00:49:49,429
Like, I got friends, like,
1096
00:49:49,531 --> 00:49:51,328
" You gotta get married.
My wife.
1097
00:49:51,500 --> 00:49:53,331
" My wife is a...
She's the best cook.
1098
00:49:53,435 --> 00:49:54,663
"My wife's the... You gotta."
1099
00:49:54,770 --> 00:49:57,136
And I'm like,
"My cook's the best cook."
1100
00:49:57,239 --> 00:49:59,366
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1101
00:49:59,474 --> 00:50:01,533
" But my wife,
she's my best friend. "
1102
00:50:02,411 --> 00:50:04,709
" Yeah, my cook's actually
a pretty good guy. " You know?
1103
00:50:05,647 --> 00:50:07,478
This could be funny.
1104
00:50:07,583 --> 00:50:11,417
Like, your dad didn't
like you, so he named
you and your dog George.
1105
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:13,511
He'd be like,
"Hey, George,
come in here!
1106
00:50:13,922 --> 00:50:15,617
"Not you, the dog."
1107
00:50:16,158 --> 00:50:18,524
"George, I... Look at this
awesome book I just got!"
1108
00:50:18,627 --> 00:50:20,117
And then you
come in, it's like,
"Not you, the dog."
1109
00:50:20,229 --> 00:50:21,218
That's funny.
Yeah.
1110
00:50:21,330 --> 00:50:23,924
" Hey, George, I made
a nice steak for you. "
"Hey, thanks, Dad."
1111
00:50:24,032 --> 00:50:25,966
"Not you, the dog."
1112
00:50:26,068 --> 00:50:27,968
" Hey, George, I just put some
peanut butter on my balls.
Come lick it up. You. "
1113
00:50:32,358 --> 00:50:33,825
Fuck him.
1114
00:50:33,926 --> 00:50:39,262
I miss the dry hump
as a concept in my life.
It just doesn't...
1115
00:50:39,365 --> 00:50:43,199
I miss the dry hump 'cause
you don't need a big dick
to be a good dry humper.
1116
00:50:43,302 --> 00:50:46,294
You just need a big thigh,
that's all you need.
1117
00:50:46,405 --> 00:50:49,340
Be able to get your thigh
in there real good.
1118
00:50:49,441 --> 00:50:52,308
I can thigh
the hell out of a girl.
1119
00:50:52,411 --> 00:50:56,507
Sexually,
I'm completely terrible,
but I could do this all day.
1120
00:50:57,216 --> 00:51:02,153
I'm very rich, by the way.
I know that makes you feel
good about your life.
1121
00:51:02,254 --> 00:51:03,414
I got so much.
1122
00:51:03,522 --> 00:51:06,150
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"You have so much.
Why not me?"
1123
00:51:06,258 --> 00:51:08,988
I have people stop me
on the streets
sometimes, just go,
1124
00:51:09,094 --> 00:51:13,190
"You have so much!"
"Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
1125
00:51:13,298 --> 00:51:14,265
Like, "I don't know."
1126
00:51:14,366 --> 00:51:19,133
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Why you? I came out
here to do what you do. "
1127
00:51:19,238 --> 00:51:20,205
"Well, you're not doing it."
1128
00:51:20,305 --> 00:51:22,136
" No, I'm not!
1129
00:51:22,241 --> 00:51:26,075
" Fuck you!
I want all your money
and all your whores. "
1130
00:51:27,212 --> 00:51:29,203
Airplanes are
the last public place
1131
00:51:29,314 --> 00:51:31,782
where you can fart
as loud as you want
and no one cares.
1132
00:51:32,217 --> 00:51:34,151
'Cause they don't...
It's loud.
There's engine noise.
1133
00:51:34,253 --> 00:51:35,242
They just don't
know it's you.
1134
00:51:35,354 --> 00:51:37,982
Like, you could
literally be talking
to someone you just met
1135
00:51:38,090 --> 00:51:39,955
and be sitting this
far away from them
1136
00:51:40,058 --> 00:51:42,618
and look them dead
in the eye as they talk
about their grandson
1137
00:51:42,728 --> 00:51:45,595
and just fart as loud
as you humanly can. Just...
1138
00:51:45,697 --> 00:51:46,755
(IMITATING FART)
1139
00:51:46,865 --> 00:51:49,299
" Yeah? Where's
your grandson from?"
1140
00:51:49,401 --> 00:51:52,131
My asshole's been
open this whole time.
It's just still...
1141
00:51:54,339 --> 00:51:58,105
Hey, can you help me with
some of my jokes when I...
When I drop you off later?
1142
00:51:58,210 --> 00:51:59,609
Help you with
some of your bits?
Yeah.
1143
00:51:59,711 --> 00:52:01,645
No. I'm not gonna
help you, man.
1144
00:52:01,747 --> 00:52:04,147
No one helped me
when I started.
1145
00:52:04,249 --> 00:52:06,547
Fucking,
I'm not paying to help you,
I'm paying you to help me.
1146
00:52:06,652 --> 00:52:08,517
No, okay.
You're right,
you're right.
1147
00:52:08,620 --> 00:52:12,215
There is always the one
girl out there, though.
The one that got away.
1148
00:52:12,324 --> 00:52:17,227
Guys have that
and serial killers have that.
The one that got away.
1149
00:52:17,329 --> 00:52:22,494
" I had her,
the trunk was lined
with garbage bags
1150
00:52:22,601 --> 00:52:24,501
"and then she got away."
1151
00:52:26,472 --> 00:52:28,872
I'm sick of rap songs
telling me what to do.
1152
00:52:30,242 --> 00:52:33,541
" Bend over.
Slap your ass, girl.
Drop it like it's hot. "
1153
00:52:35,264 --> 00:52:36,390
Yeah, I'm gonna
write a song back.
1154
00:52:36,498 --> 00:52:40,901
I'm gonna be, like,
"Boy, brush your teeth!
1155
00:52:41,002 --> 00:52:46,372
" Yeah, boy, bump that
jacket off your back.
I'm fucking cold as shit!"
1156
00:52:47,809 --> 00:52:49,174
I masturbate so much
with hand cream,
1157
00:52:49,277 --> 00:52:52,872
I forget people
use it for shit other
than masturbating.
1158
00:52:52,981 --> 00:52:55,176
Literally,
when I'm in public and I see
someone pull out hand cream,
1159
00:52:55,283 --> 00:52:58,013
I'm like, " This guy's
about to jerk off!"
1160
00:52:58,219 --> 00:52:59,243
Can I ask you
something?
1161
00:52:59,354 --> 00:53:03,586
Is your act just designed
to make sure no girl will
ever sleep with you again?
1162
00:53:03,691 --> 00:53:06,888
All you fucking talk about
is jacking off and farting.
1163
00:53:06,995 --> 00:53:08,690
You think a girl's
gonna come up
to you after the show,
1164
00:53:09,097 --> 00:53:11,964
"Could you just
jack off for me
and then fart in my face?"
1165
00:53:12,067 --> 00:53:14,968
It's fucking insane!
Do you want
to get laid, ever?
1166
00:53:24,612 --> 00:53:29,515
(SINGING) How will you
people live without me?
1167
00:53:31,086 --> 00:53:35,785
Who will bring you joy
when I'm gone?
1168
00:53:37,759 --> 00:53:41,752
'Cause I'm one funny man
1169
00:53:42,063 --> 00:53:45,191
I bring the comedy
1170
00:53:45,300 --> 00:53:50,067
I am the one you go to,
to get cheered up
1171
00:53:50,171 --> 00:53:51,763
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
1172
00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:55,937
Put in my movies
1173
00:53:56,044 --> 00:54:02,176
Escape, if you will
To a land of loveliness
1174
00:54:05,186 --> 00:54:08,155
He doesn't have patience
1175
00:54:08,256 --> 00:54:14,684
He hates so many people
He's mad when others do well
1176
00:54:14,963 --> 00:54:21,266
He hates himself
Fuck George Simmons
1177
00:54:21,703 --> 00:54:24,900
He has a medium-sized penis
1178
00:54:25,006 --> 00:54:29,875
He fucked so many girls
And yet no one remembers
1179
00:54:30,345 --> 00:54:33,439
When he's done fucking them
1180
00:54:33,681 --> 00:54:37,082
The girl just
lays there and says
1181
00:54:37,185 --> 00:54:42,088
I should have fucked
Jean-Claude Van Damme
instead of you
1182
00:54:43,024 --> 00:54:48,087
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
1183
00:54:49,764 --> 00:54:54,224
George Simmons
soon will be gone
1184
00:54:57,338 --> 00:55:00,603
And he will not
miss you people at all.
1185
00:55:02,076 --> 00:55:05,534
Our relationship has
always been strained.
1186
00:55:05,647 --> 00:55:10,516
You always wanted
too much from me,
and I'm very mad at you.
1187
00:55:11,419 --> 00:55:15,913
Leave me alone.
Don't visit my grave,
cocksuckers.
1188
00:55:17,492 --> 00:55:18,618
Peace!
1189
00:55:19,561 --> 00:55:21,290
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
1190
00:55:23,364 --> 00:55:25,264
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1191
00:55:32,574 --> 00:55:34,041
IRA: Oh, my God,
it's George Simmons!
1192
00:55:34,943 --> 00:55:37,468
What are you doing here?
What's happening?
1193
00:55:37,579 --> 00:55:41,347
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get
the Cavaliers game.
1194
00:55:41,449 --> 00:55:43,041
I can't get this
thing ever to work.
1195
00:55:43,151 --> 00:55:47,315
I was up all night, man.
I had a terrible sleep.
I was sweating my ass off.
1196
00:55:47,422 --> 00:55:49,890
I'm fucking hot one second
and cold one second
1197
00:55:49,991 --> 00:55:52,858
and the alc
don't work for shit.
1198
00:55:52,961 --> 00:55:55,987
It's always going
up to the roof.
1199
00:55:56,097 --> 00:55:57,291
What time is it?
1200
00:55:57,398 --> 00:55:58,888
It says 3:00.
1201
00:55:59,734 --> 00:56:04,330
It's 3:00? God damn it!
I can't fucking waste time.
I gotta...
1202
00:56:06,641 --> 00:56:09,132
All right,
let's start my goddamn day.
1203
00:56:10,111 --> 00:56:11,544
I don't got time
for this shit.
1204
00:56:11,646 --> 00:56:14,240
Let me have that
stupid clicker. Come on.
1205
00:56:16,784 --> 00:56:18,979
They keep telling me that
I gotta dial an extension.
1206
00:56:19,087 --> 00:56:22,955
I don't even have
the fucking number to dial
for the fucking extension!
1207
00:56:23,057 --> 00:56:24,081
Do you want me
to try calling them?
1208
00:56:24,325 --> 00:56:25,792
You should have
fucking called them!
1209
00:56:25,893 --> 00:56:28,123
Where the fuck
were you last night?
1210
00:56:28,496 --> 00:56:29,520
You'll call them.
1211
00:56:29,631 --> 00:56:31,030
I'm sorry, man.
1212
00:56:31,132 --> 00:56:32,793
Just tell me what you need,
I'll get it done, okay?
1213
00:56:32,900 --> 00:56:35,960
You pay for all of this stuff
and none of it ever works!
1214
00:56:36,070 --> 00:56:38,937
Nothing!
I don't even
think I'm sick!
1215
00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:41,873
These guys are trying
to fucking kill me!
1216
00:56:42,644 --> 00:56:45,875
I want to go to the doctor.
I gotta see this guy.
1217
00:56:45,980 --> 00:56:48,346
What the fuck is happening?
1218
00:56:49,851 --> 00:56:53,184
This medicine does not work.
It makes it worse!
1219
00:56:53,288 --> 00:56:55,381
Okay. I'll call them
right now. I'll tell
them we're coming, okay?
1220
00:56:55,490 --> 00:56:57,082
Now. We gotta go now.
1221
00:56:57,191 --> 00:56:58,283
I'll call them
right now, okay?
1222
00:56:58,393 --> 00:57:00,293
Yeah.
I'll meet you downstairs.
1223
00:57:03,931 --> 00:57:06,593
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
1224
00:57:08,936 --> 00:57:13,498
Please put away
the video game.
Don't do that. Don't be rude.
1225
00:57:13,608 --> 00:57:14,575
I'm sorry.
1226
00:57:14,676 --> 00:57:15,643
Fucking playing Centipede?
1227
00:57:15,743 --> 00:57:17,074
What the fuck
were you playing?
1228
00:57:17,178 --> 00:57:18,941
Just a driving game.
1229
00:57:20,581 --> 00:57:21,570
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
1230
00:57:21,683 --> 00:57:22,650
Hey, yeah, Doctor,
good to see you.
1231
00:57:22,750 --> 00:57:23,808
How are you?
I brought my friend.
1232
00:57:23,918 --> 00:57:28,048
This is my...
Well, my lover, my life
partner, my everything.
1233
00:57:28,156 --> 00:57:30,681
How are you?
What's going on?
How we doing?
1234
00:57:30,792 --> 00:57:33,852
Well, your immune system
is in the middle of
a very serious battle.
1235
00:57:34,429 --> 00:57:36,294
The medicine is trying
to combat the disease,
1236
00:57:36,397 --> 00:57:38,797
but in the process
it destroys healthy tissue
1237
00:57:38,900 --> 00:57:41,198
and disrupts healthy
functioning of your organs
1238
00:57:41,302 --> 00:57:43,770
and multiple
lymphatic systems,
1239
00:57:43,871 --> 00:57:45,998
so you're getting
attacked on two levels.
1240
00:57:46,341 --> 00:57:48,275
And we hope the disease
is vanquished
1241
00:57:48,376 --> 00:57:51,277
before it and the medicine
does damage
which cannot be contained.
1242
00:57:51,713 --> 00:57:53,305
Okay.
1243
00:57:53,414 --> 00:57:55,041
Your accent
is very thick.
1244
00:57:56,584 --> 00:57:57,881
You ever notice
your accent
1245
00:57:57,985 --> 00:58:01,512
makes things sound
worse than they...
Than they actually are?
1246
00:58:02,023 --> 00:58:04,218
You could give good news,
and I'd still be like,
1247
00:58:04,325 --> 00:58:06,020
"What happened?
Am I still dying?"
1248
00:58:06,961 --> 00:58:08,394
I'm just trying
to help you.
1249
00:58:08,796 --> 00:58:11,094
I know you sound
like a regular Joe
where you come from,
1250
00:58:11,199 --> 00:58:17,069
but here I keep thinking
you're gonna be torturing
James Bond later.
1251
00:58:17,171 --> 00:58:21,073
I'm sure your sense of humor
will serve you well
in this situation.
1252
00:58:21,476 --> 00:58:26,072
There he goes again.
All so terrifying because
it came out of your mouth.
1253
00:58:26,581 --> 00:58:28,412
You are a very funny man.
1254
00:58:28,516 --> 00:58:30,780
Are you mad that you died
at the end of Die Hard?
1255
00:58:31,219 --> 00:58:33,653
I don't understand
the reference.
1256
00:58:35,123 --> 00:58:37,284
He kind of looks
like those two guys
in the second Matrix movie.
1257
00:58:37,692 --> 00:58:38,784
(CHUCKLES)
1258
00:58:38,893 --> 00:58:41,020
I assure you I was
not in The Matrix.
1259
00:58:41,129 --> 00:58:44,155
Why did you eat Bj�rn Borg?
What did he do to you?
1260
00:58:44,265 --> 00:58:48,031
If you have
no other questions,
I do have other patients.
1261
00:58:48,136 --> 00:58:52,072
You have other patients
that you have to frighten
by the end of the day?
1262
00:58:52,173 --> 00:58:53,640
How many patients
do you frighten a day?
1263
00:58:53,741 --> 00:58:56,608
And I am slowly getting
a little bit annoyed
1264
00:58:56,711 --> 00:59:00,408
by these humorous
activities from you guys.
1265
00:59:01,215 --> 00:59:02,182
So, I think you and...
1266
00:59:02,283 --> 00:59:03,807
We have discussed
this and I am very,
1267
00:59:03,918 --> 00:59:06,352
very sympathetic
to your recovery,
1268
00:59:06,587 --> 00:59:09,988
and I hope we will succeed
with what we are doing.
1269
00:59:10,091 --> 00:59:12,616
I've been trying
to build this cabinet
I bought from you guys
1270
00:59:12,727 --> 00:59:14,888
for, like, six months
and I gotta...
1271
00:59:14,996 --> 00:59:16,861
IKEA? That's very funny.
1272
00:59:27,275 --> 00:59:29,175
Hey. Yo, Teach.
Hey.
1273
00:59:30,978 --> 00:59:32,673
How's... How was the taping?
1274
00:59:32,780 --> 00:59:35,544
Great. Great, yeah.
I'm happy with it.
1275
00:59:35,650 --> 00:59:37,242
I think the ending
really murdered.
1276
00:59:37,351 --> 00:59:40,149
Was it a very
special episode?
1277
00:59:41,856 --> 00:59:44,290
You remember
Daisy, right?
1278
00:59:44,392 --> 00:59:45,620
Yeah, of course.
1279
00:59:46,127 --> 00:59:47,151
Hey.
1280
00:59:47,261 --> 00:59:48,523
MARK: I'm sorry.
1281
00:59:48,629 --> 00:59:50,256
I didn't know you'd
be coming home tonight.
1282
00:59:50,364 --> 00:59:53,060
I thought maybe you'd
be spending the night
at George's and...
1283
00:59:53,167 --> 00:59:57,103
Guess it's been
more than 10 days, huh?
1284
00:59:57,205 --> 01:00:00,766
(SOFTLY) Yeah,
I gave you an extra 11.
1285
01:00:00,875 --> 01:00:02,001
What are you guys
talking about?
1286
01:00:02,109 --> 01:00:03,940
Nothing.
Doesn't matter.
It's cool.
1287
01:00:04,045 --> 01:00:06,206
Don't give a shit.
Totally fine.
1288
01:00:11,118 --> 01:00:13,313
Hey. I saw the new
Harry Potter movie.
1289
01:00:15,022 --> 01:00:16,011
Harry's getting old.
1290
01:00:16,123 --> 01:00:17,090
He's, like,
older than my dad.
1291
01:00:17,191 --> 01:00:18,658
They should call
him Harold Potter.
1292
01:00:19,527 --> 01:00:21,620
That Hermione's got
some big, old titties.
1293
01:00:25,533 --> 01:00:26,727
Whoa!
1294
01:00:26,834 --> 01:00:30,770
Did you two just bone?
I'm getting a little
vibe here.
1295
01:00:30,872 --> 01:00:33,773
This is exciting.
Think I'm getting
a quarter chub.
1296
01:00:34,275 --> 01:00:35,264
(SIGHS)
1297
01:00:35,376 --> 01:00:36,707
Why is Ira so upset?
1298
01:00:36,811 --> 01:00:39,177
It's been, like,
way after 10 days.
1299
01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:42,340
He can't call dibs
on every girl he meets.
1300
01:00:42,717 --> 01:00:45,208
We were supposed to go out
on a date together.
1301
01:00:45,319 --> 01:00:47,947
We are going
out on a date.
I thought so.
1302
01:00:48,055 --> 01:00:49,215
We're not anymore! No!
1303
01:00:49,323 --> 01:00:50,312
Really?
1304
01:00:50,424 --> 01:00:54,520
'Cause after you
fuck my roommate
that kind of ends it with me!
1305
01:00:54,662 --> 01:00:56,630
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
1306
01:00:57,131 --> 01:01:00,328
Just so you know
how I'm seeing you?
You're a starfucker.
1307
01:01:00,434 --> 01:01:02,732
You're a girl who met
a star and then fucked him.
1308
01:01:02,837 --> 01:01:04,498
And he's not even
that famous!
1309
01:01:04,605 --> 01:01:07,768
What if like a real
good-looking celebrity
was my roommate?
1310
01:01:07,875 --> 01:01:11,834
What if I lived with,
you know, James McAvoy
or Jude Law or something?
1311
01:01:12,380 --> 01:01:14,678
I don't know.
I probably would fuck
both of those people.
1312
01:01:14,782 --> 01:01:15,749
Don't say that.
1313
01:01:15,850 --> 01:01:17,442
I'm sorry!
Lower the bar
a little bit.
1314
01:01:17,718 --> 01:01:19,242
I can't believe that!
1315
01:01:19,620 --> 01:01:20,848
(GROANS)
1316
01:01:20,955 --> 01:01:26,188
If a hot girl walked over
here, naked, and was like,
"Do my body," you would.
1317
01:01:26,327 --> 01:01:27,692
You would have
sex with her.
1318
01:01:27,795 --> 01:01:30,161
No, I'd feel
really uncomfortable.
1319
01:01:30,298 --> 01:01:32,596
And then I might ask
her to a Wilco show.
1320
01:01:32,700 --> 01:01:37,069
Okay, then you're the first
guy in the world that I've
ever met that's like that.
1321
01:01:37,572 --> 01:01:40,132
I thought you were
the kind of girl
that would wait two months
1322
01:01:40,241 --> 01:01:41,265
and then have
sex with a guy.
1323
01:01:41,375 --> 01:01:42,342
I didn't think
you would just...
1324
01:01:42,443 --> 01:01:44,502
I'm an independent woman.
1325
01:01:44,612 --> 01:01:47,080
I'm allowed
to fuck people.
1326
01:01:47,381 --> 01:01:50,443
Well, if I had known that,
I would have scheduled
our date a lot sooner!
1327
01:01:52,153 --> 01:01:54,587
Give me a break.
I don't even know you.
1328
01:01:54,789 --> 01:01:57,724
This is the longest
conversation
we've ever had.
1329
01:02:03,598 --> 01:02:08,467
Don't be mad at me.
I said I'd give
you 10 days.
1330
01:02:08,569 --> 01:02:10,059
I gave you three weeks.
1331
01:02:13,474 --> 01:02:14,702
I thought you
were joking, man.
1332
01:02:14,809 --> 01:02:17,277
I'm gonna be
honest with you.
1333
01:02:17,378 --> 01:02:20,176
We... We... We want to fuck
every girl that we meet.
1334
01:02:21,549 --> 01:02:22,516
That's how it works.
1335
01:02:22,617 --> 01:02:25,643
If I didn't sleep with
every girl you wished
you could sleep with,
1336
01:02:25,753 --> 01:02:27,345
I wouldn't sleep
with anybody.
1337
01:02:27,455 --> 01:02:29,980
It's a communication
breakdown.
We can fix this.
1338
01:02:30,524 --> 01:02:32,321
I don't care.
The fact that you
had sex with her...
1339
01:02:32,426 --> 01:02:36,760
I can never do anything
like that with her.
1340
01:02:36,864 --> 01:02:41,164
So, you're really not
gonna chase this girl
just because I was with her?
1341
01:02:41,268 --> 01:02:42,326
Yeah.
1342
01:02:43,070 --> 01:02:44,128
Huh.
1343
01:02:45,006 --> 01:02:47,133
It's kind of insulting,
on some level.
1344
01:02:49,977 --> 01:02:52,309
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
1345
01:02:53,147 --> 01:02:56,139
I wish I could,
but I'm going
with Tobey Maguire.
1346
01:02:56,250 --> 01:02:58,844
I might play
his little brother
in this movie.
1347
01:03:02,857 --> 01:03:03,846
(SIGHS)
1348
01:03:03,958 --> 01:03:05,516
I hope I get it.
1349
01:03:10,564 --> 01:03:14,056
GEORGE: Give me something.
You didn't get rid of them.
What did you get rid of?
1350
01:03:14,168 --> 01:03:15,897
IRA: Well, I, you know,
I got a few good offers,
1351
01:03:16,003 --> 01:03:18,437
but honestly, I don't
know how much each car
is worth and I...
1352
01:03:18,539 --> 01:03:20,404
They keep on wanting
to buy all of them
1353
01:03:20,508 --> 01:03:21,907
and it's hard for me to...
Don't make it a big deal.
1354
01:03:22,009 --> 01:03:24,842
Don't get
a stomach-ache over it.
Just sell them.
1355
01:03:24,945 --> 01:03:26,139
Give it to a charity.
Move on.
1356
01:03:26,247 --> 01:03:27,214
Okay.
1357
01:03:27,381 --> 01:03:28,575
I just want to be
happy about
1358
01:03:28,683 --> 01:03:29,707
giving something
away, you know.
1359
01:03:29,817 --> 01:03:30,784
Okay.
1360
01:03:30,885 --> 01:03:31,852
So...
1361
01:03:33,487 --> 01:03:36,081
There's something
I've really been wanting
to tell you, George.
1362
01:03:36,190 --> 01:03:37,282
Uh-oh.
1363
01:03:38,092 --> 01:03:39,320
Yeah.
1364
01:03:39,427 --> 01:03:43,921
I feel as though you need
to tell someone other than me
about your condition.
1365
01:03:45,599 --> 01:03:47,066
I don't want to do that.
1366
01:03:47,168 --> 01:03:48,601
George,
people care about you.
1367
01:03:48,703 --> 01:03:50,671
You have to let them
be there for you.
1368
01:03:51,639 --> 01:03:55,439
I tell somebody,
then it's all gonna change,
and you can't get it back.
1369
01:03:56,243 --> 01:03:58,074
Everything's
already changed, George,
1370
01:03:58,179 --> 01:04:02,343
and the truth is
soon you're gonna
start getting very sick
1371
01:04:02,450 --> 01:04:04,509
and you are gonna want
someone other than me there.
1372
01:04:05,052 --> 01:04:07,247
I mean, have you...
Have you even told
your parents yet?
1373
01:04:07,354 --> 01:04:09,447
My parents are
in their mid-70s.
1374
01:04:09,557 --> 01:04:12,219
They would drop dead
if they heard about this.
1375
01:04:12,326 --> 01:04:14,123
Friends. You must want
to tell your friends.
1376
01:04:14,228 --> 01:04:16,253
I don't really
have any friends.
1377
01:04:16,363 --> 01:04:18,661
I have people
I shoot the shit with
and fuck around with,
1378
01:04:18,766 --> 01:04:20,563
but there's nobody
I'm really close with.
1379
01:04:20,668 --> 01:04:22,101
I've got showbiz friends.
1380
01:04:22,203 --> 01:04:25,639
Andy Dick isn't a friend.
He's just a guy you know.
1381
01:04:25,740 --> 01:04:28,208
You're my closest friend,
and I don't even like you.
1382
01:04:28,309 --> 01:04:29,298
(SIGHS)
1383
01:04:29,410 --> 01:04:31,469
You have to tell
someone other than me, man.
1384
01:04:31,579 --> 01:04:33,240
I can't be
the only one who knows.
1385
01:04:33,347 --> 01:04:34,780
I've never dealt
with anything like this.
1386
01:04:34,882 --> 01:04:37,248
All my grandparents
are alive.
1387
01:04:37,351 --> 01:04:40,718
Listen,
this is not your job to cry.
Your job is to not cry.
1388
01:04:40,821 --> 01:04:43,756
I'm just trying
to talk to you
man-to-man, George.
1389
01:04:43,891 --> 01:04:45,859
As a man, you are
crying right now.
1390
01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:46,949
I'm not crying.
1391
01:04:47,061 --> 01:04:49,325
People are gonna think
we just broke up
or something, Ira.
1392
01:04:49,430 --> 01:04:51,091
Stop doing what
you're doing.
1393
01:04:51,198 --> 01:04:52,187
Okay, I'll stop.
1394
01:04:52,299 --> 01:04:56,201
You're causing a scene.
You're making
crazy faces now, Ira.
1395
01:04:56,804 --> 01:04:59,295
Open your eyes.
Stop crying.
1396
01:04:59,406 --> 01:05:00,395
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1397
01:05:00,508 --> 01:05:02,908
You're making noises now?
You look like
the Incredible Hulk.
1398
01:05:03,010 --> 01:05:03,999
(SPLUTTERS)
1399
01:05:04,111 --> 01:05:05,976
Jesus,
you're spitting
on my shrimp,
1400
01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:07,479
you asshole.
I'm sorry.
1401
01:05:07,581 --> 01:05:08,741
(SNIFFLES)
1402
01:05:08,849 --> 01:05:09,816
God, I'm sorry.
1403
01:05:09,917 --> 01:05:10,906
Come on.
Wipe it off.
1404
01:05:11,719 --> 01:05:13,277
Jesus Christ.
1405
01:05:14,255 --> 01:05:16,587
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
1406
01:05:16,690 --> 01:05:17,987
This is the worst.
1407
01:05:18,092 --> 01:05:20,560
Why didn't I just get hit
by a fucking foul ball?
1408
01:05:21,629 --> 01:05:23,688
You ruined The Palm,
you fucking ass.
1409
01:05:26,333 --> 01:05:29,166
This could have been
the best meal, ever.
1410
01:05:30,337 --> 01:05:31,770
Should I get you
ice chips or something?
1411
01:05:31,872 --> 01:05:33,703
No, I'm good.
1412
01:05:34,475 --> 01:05:35,840
You never had any kids, huh?
1413
01:05:35,943 --> 01:05:37,467
No. No.
We didn't get to that.
1414
01:05:37,578 --> 01:05:39,068
I have three.
1415
01:05:39,180 --> 01:05:40,147
I know.
1416
01:05:40,247 --> 01:05:42,340
Three kids to carry
on the Dick legacy.
1417
01:05:42,449 --> 01:05:46,613
How the hell did you have
any kids with all
the penises you've blown?
1418
01:05:46,720 --> 01:05:50,349
I sucked my own dick
and spit it
into their vagina.
1419
01:05:51,959 --> 01:05:54,723
I mean, knowing that.
Most people just go
through life asleep anyways.
1420
01:05:54,829 --> 01:05:56,922
Some of those people
don't even wake up
until they get, you know,
1421
01:05:57,031 --> 01:05:58,396
the Dr. Death call,
you know.
1422
01:05:58,499 --> 01:06:01,297
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"This is Dr. Death!
You're going to die."
1423
01:06:01,402 --> 01:06:03,267
(RASPING) "Don't
be afraid, George.
1424
01:06:03,370 --> 01:06:08,171
"It's just Death calling.
Cheer up, motherfucker!"
1425
01:06:08,776 --> 01:06:10,300
Yeah.
Fuck negativity.
1426
01:06:10,411 --> 01:06:13,005
Fuck it in the ass
with a Chinese monkey!
1427
01:06:13,948 --> 01:06:15,939
I wish I wasn't
so fucking angry
with you right now.
1428
01:06:16,717 --> 01:06:18,981
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't
a good brother.
1429
01:06:19,086 --> 01:06:20,451
You were
a terrible brother.
1430
01:06:20,554 --> 01:06:21,953
You just left us
and you didn't care.
1431
01:06:22,056 --> 01:06:23,956
You didn't give
a shit about us.
1432
01:06:24,058 --> 01:06:25,923
You don't even give a...
You moved to Kansas.
1433
01:06:26,026 --> 01:06:27,960
Am I supposed
to visit you in Kansas?
Yes.
1434
01:06:28,062 --> 01:06:30,553
I thought that's
why you moved there,
so you didn't get visitors.
1435
01:06:30,664 --> 01:06:31,995
You're so fucking selfish.
1436
01:06:32,099 --> 01:06:33,088
I know.
1437
01:06:33,234 --> 01:06:36,294
You've only seen my son,
like, three times.
1438
01:06:36,403 --> 01:06:39,201
I send him fucking
DVDs all the time.
1439
01:06:39,306 --> 01:06:41,297
He doesn't want your DVDs.
1440
01:06:41,408 --> 01:06:42,966
He wants you to be
a part of his life.
1441
01:06:43,077 --> 01:06:45,068
He wants to be
a part of yours.
1442
01:06:45,179 --> 01:06:47,613
Wow. This has been great.
1443
01:06:47,715 --> 01:06:51,549
I want to call Dad now
and just have
more family time.
1444
01:06:51,752 --> 01:06:54,721
What did we
ever do to you?
I'm not Dad.
1445
01:06:57,091 --> 01:06:59,423
You are right.
1446
01:06:59,526 --> 01:07:03,690
You're very, very nice,
and I'm sorry
I don't know your son.
1447
01:07:03,797 --> 01:07:06,766
I'm sorry I don't
know you anymore.
1448
01:07:06,934 --> 01:07:09,061
I'm glad you
don't know me.
1449
01:07:09,169 --> 01:07:10,261
I wish I did.
1450
01:07:11,805 --> 01:07:14,672
You'd be let down,
believe me.
1451
01:07:22,816 --> 01:07:24,613
Oh, man.
1452
01:07:30,557 --> 01:07:32,047
Oh, God.
1453
01:07:35,229 --> 01:07:36,821
Who's that?
1454
01:07:36,931 --> 01:07:38,831
That's the girl
I was gonna marry...
1455
01:07:38,933 --> 01:07:40,059
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1456
01:07:40,167 --> 01:07:42,362
...but then she
smartened up.
1457
01:07:43,237 --> 01:07:45,671
So, she's 10
and she's six.
1458
01:07:45,773 --> 01:07:48,139
GEORGE: So cute.
1459
01:07:48,242 --> 01:07:50,301
Jeez, she looks like you,
the little one, huh?
1460
01:07:50,411 --> 01:07:51,400
Yeah.
1461
01:07:51,512 --> 01:07:54,345
What's the matter?
Your guy doesn't
have any DNA in him?
1462
01:07:54,448 --> 01:07:57,008
That's all Laura.
1463
01:07:57,184 --> 01:07:58,913
They fight a lot,
but they're cute.
1464
01:07:59,420 --> 01:08:03,186
Yeah.
Thank you so much
for coming here.
1465
01:08:03,757 --> 01:08:05,019
I wanted to come.
I wanted to see you.
1466
01:08:05,125 --> 01:08:06,319
You didn't have
to come here.
1467
01:08:06,427 --> 01:08:09,123
You didn't have to.
I know it's
stressful for you.
1468
01:08:09,563 --> 01:08:11,963
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm so sorry.
1469
01:08:12,499 --> 01:08:14,797
I'm so sorry about
everything I did.
1470
01:08:15,402 --> 01:08:18,064
You don't have to be sorry.
That was 12 years ago.
1471
01:08:18,172 --> 01:08:20,003
Everything worked out
for the best.
1472
01:08:20,107 --> 01:08:22,268
It's good.
Look at your life.
This is great.
1473
01:08:22,676 --> 01:08:28,239
Yes. It's the best life.
I hate it. I hate it all.
1474
01:08:28,349 --> 01:08:29,509
I haven't been...
You don't hate it.
1475
01:08:29,616 --> 01:08:32,517
I'm addicted to it, I guess.
I keep doing it.
1476
01:08:32,953 --> 01:08:35,854
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira.
I'm calling to say
1477
01:08:35,956 --> 01:08:39,119
I don't think today
is a good day for you
to come by and see George.
1478
01:08:39,426 --> 01:08:42,452
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give
you a call when I know
what the schedule looks like.
1479
01:08:42,563 --> 01:08:44,827
Thank you.
I'll talk to you soon.
1480
01:08:46,233 --> 01:08:48,428
You have a family now.
You have a family now.
1481
01:08:48,535 --> 01:08:51,299
I'm so happy.
You did the right thing.
You moved on.
1482
01:08:51,405 --> 01:08:53,498
You got a good life.
1483
01:08:53,607 --> 01:08:56,735
And... And I just
got nothing, Laura.
I hate that.
1484
01:08:56,844 --> 01:08:59,404
I hate that it could
have been me with you.
1485
01:08:59,513 --> 01:09:00,673
Don't do that, please?
1486
01:09:00,781 --> 01:09:02,408
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
1487
01:09:02,516 --> 01:09:04,882
You... I could have
had those kids with you.
1488
01:09:05,886 --> 01:09:09,515
How could you cheat on me?
I was so hot.
1489
01:09:09,623 --> 01:09:11,147
You were.
You were so hot.
I don't know.
1490
01:09:11,258 --> 01:09:12,555
I was hot!
1491
01:09:12,659 --> 01:09:15,526
I don't even know what
the fuck I was doing.
1492
01:09:15,629 --> 01:09:20,157
I was just a stupid idiot.
I don't remember anybody else.
1493
01:09:20,267 --> 01:09:21,859
What was wrong with you?
I don't remember
anybody else.
1494
01:09:21,969 --> 01:09:23,630
I only remember you.
I don't know.
1495
01:09:23,737 --> 01:09:26,672
I don't even know
who they were,
who fucking ruined us.
1496
01:09:26,774 --> 01:09:29,971
They're not in
my brain, ever.
It's like it didn't happen.
1497
01:09:30,077 --> 01:09:31,942
The only thing
that happened was us.
1498
01:09:32,046 --> 01:09:34,742
And you ran away
'cause you had to.
1499
01:09:34,848 --> 01:09:36,645
I had to go.
1500
01:09:36,750 --> 01:09:39,981
At the time, I just
couldn't do it anymore.
1501
01:09:40,087 --> 01:09:42,282
Yeah.
But you know
what I realized?
1502
01:09:42,389 --> 01:09:44,016
I love my husband,
1503
01:09:45,426 --> 01:09:48,088
but it's just not the same.
1504
01:09:49,129 --> 01:09:52,758
And I loved you
so much and...
1505
01:09:54,334 --> 01:09:56,495
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
1506
01:09:56,603 --> 01:09:59,834
I have the same thing.
I have the same thing.
1507
01:09:59,940 --> 01:10:02,534
Don't feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
1508
01:10:02,676 --> 01:10:05,804
I love you. I love you.
I always loved you.
1509
01:10:05,913 --> 01:10:09,405
And the crazy thing is
he cheats on me, too.
1510
01:10:09,516 --> 01:10:10,483
I hate...
1511
01:10:10,584 --> 01:10:12,245
He's like an Australian you.
1512
01:10:13,053 --> 01:10:16,955
I fucking hate this guy.
Is he crazy?
1513
01:10:17,057 --> 01:10:20,254
It's just that
you were the one.
1514
01:10:20,360 --> 01:10:25,696
Just you are...
Were... Are the love...
1515
01:10:28,569 --> 01:10:32,403
Love of my life.
And I just love you.
1516
01:10:40,948 --> 01:10:43,314
Yeah, the hug
was a mistake,
wasn't it?
1517
01:10:46,653 --> 01:10:48,780
You're not sick, are you?
1518
01:10:48,889 --> 01:10:51,949
You're just doing that
to get me down here, huh?
1519
01:10:52,292 --> 01:10:53,520
(LAUGHS)
1520
01:10:54,895 --> 01:10:56,419
There are those
hands again.
1521
01:10:56,530 --> 01:10:57,997
My big hands.
1522
01:10:58,132 --> 01:10:59,997
Always made
my penis look small.
1523
01:11:00,100 --> 01:11:01,089
(LAUGHING)
1524
01:11:01,201 --> 01:11:03,692
Thank you, hands,
for that complex.
1525
01:11:05,772 --> 01:11:08,206
Yes. Jeez.
1526
01:11:08,308 --> 01:11:14,269
The two of them together,
it was a guaranteed dwarfing.
Okay.
1527
01:11:14,381 --> 01:11:16,781
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
1528
01:11:22,022 --> 01:11:23,080
Yeah.
1529
01:11:25,225 --> 01:11:26,852
That was worth it.
1530
01:11:27,294 --> 01:11:29,194
We're into overtime now,
just so you know.
1531
01:11:29,296 --> 01:11:31,161
(LAUGHS) Jeez,
that came quick.
1532
01:11:31,265 --> 01:11:33,233
I wish that you guys
were really my friends
1533
01:11:33,333 --> 01:11:35,961
and I didn't
have to pay you
to jam with me.
1534
01:11:37,471 --> 01:11:40,440
All right,
so let's keep going then.
1535
01:11:40,841 --> 01:11:42,832
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
1536
01:11:53,687 --> 01:11:57,316
(SINGING) All my little
plans and schemes
1537
01:11:59,393 --> 01:12:03,659
Lost like some
forgotten dream
1538
01:12:05,132 --> 01:12:06,326
Seems like all I...
1539
01:12:06,433 --> 01:12:08,060
Diego.
Yes, George?
1540
01:12:08,168 --> 01:12:09,897
The roses
look terrific.
1541
01:12:10,003 --> 01:12:11,595
Thank you.
They sure
look beautiful.
1542
01:12:11,705 --> 01:12:15,334
Only a guy with a big cock
like you could make roses
this beautiful.
1543
01:12:16,777 --> 01:12:20,543
Don't need to be alone
1544
01:12:22,616 --> 01:12:26,382
No need to be alone
1545
01:12:29,423 --> 01:12:34,656
It's real love
It's real
1546
01:12:34,761 --> 01:12:37,127
Yes, it's real love
1547
01:12:37,231 --> 01:12:38,698
You doing stand-up at all?
1548
01:12:38,799 --> 01:12:41,290
This is actually
the first time I've left
the house in three years.
1549
01:12:41,401 --> 01:12:42,891
But I will sometimes,
in my house,
1550
01:12:43,036 --> 01:12:45,129
in front of my kids,
I'll do five, six minutes.
1551
01:12:45,239 --> 01:12:47,605
Not good stuff.
It's a lot of "Where
you from?" You know.
1552
01:12:47,708 --> 01:12:48,936
But, you know,
all kidding aside,
1553
01:12:49,042 --> 01:12:50,373
I know you're
in a terrible
situation,
1554
01:12:50,477 --> 01:12:53,071
but even with that,
you look so much
better than him.
1555
01:12:53,180 --> 01:12:54,807
(ALL LAUGHING)
1556
01:12:57,584 --> 01:13:01,850
(SINGING) The Kingdom
of Heaven is,
is in your hands
1557
01:13:02,990 --> 01:13:07,586
I don't expect
for you to awake
from your dreams
1558
01:13:07,694 --> 01:13:09,594
We watched your
last movie on video.
1559
01:13:09,930 --> 01:13:12,296
A man who is funny
doesn't have to work blue.
1560
01:13:12,432 --> 01:13:14,627
You don't...
You don't have to do
trash to be funny.
1561
01:13:14,735 --> 01:13:16,134
I'll tell you who was
a great comedian.
1562
01:13:16,236 --> 01:13:17,601
Please say me. Who?
1563
01:13:17,704 --> 01:13:18,671
Jackie Gleason.
1564
01:13:18,772 --> 01:13:19,898
Yeah, of course.
1565
01:13:20,007 --> 01:13:22,100
You like him
'cause you look
like Art Carney.
1566
01:13:22,209 --> 01:13:23,574
(ALL LAUGH)
1567
01:13:24,978 --> 01:13:28,072
Gleason was terrific.
And you ain't so bad.
1568
01:13:28,181 --> 01:13:30,149
All right.
Thank you, Pop.
I know.
1569
01:13:30,250 --> 01:13:31,877
(SINGING) It's real
1570
01:13:32,019 --> 01:13:35,546
It's real love, oh, yeah
1571
01:13:35,822 --> 01:13:37,187
(INAUDIBLE)
1572
01:13:37,357 --> 01:13:42,090
It's real love, yeah
1573
01:13:43,096 --> 01:13:48,295
It's real love
It's real
1574
01:13:52,506 --> 01:13:55,270
I think I played it
all wrong, Ira.
1575
01:13:55,409 --> 01:13:56,398
(SIGHS)
1576
01:13:56,510 --> 01:13:58,341
I played it all wrong.
1577
01:14:04,284 --> 01:14:07,276
Okay. He's here.
We saw each other.
Let me answer it. Mark.
1578
01:14:07,387 --> 01:14:09,548
Stop.
Let me answer it.
Mark, man.
1579
01:14:10,090 --> 01:14:11,523
Move, bitch!
1580
01:14:11,625 --> 01:14:12,683
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
1581
01:14:12,793 --> 01:14:14,158
Hey, what's up?
1582
01:14:14,261 --> 01:14:15,751
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey!
1583
01:14:15,862 --> 01:14:17,227
Mark.
Leo is the name I got.
1584
01:14:17,364 --> 01:14:18,831
How are you?
Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach!
1585
01:14:18,932 --> 01:14:20,866
That's right!
Yeah, right.
1586
01:14:21,368 --> 01:14:22,801
Oh, boy.
1587
01:14:22,936 --> 01:14:26,235
That movie's the best
'cause you're a man
then you're a baby
1588
01:14:26,340 --> 01:14:28,968
and then you learn
to be a man once
you be... You need...
1589
01:14:29,076 --> 01:14:31,340
It takes becoming a baby
to learn how to become a man.
1590
01:14:32,012 --> 01:14:34,742
Yeah. Can we get you
a drink or some food?
1591
01:14:34,848 --> 01:14:37,180
No, no, no.
Let me just walk around
and go through your shit.
1592
01:14:37,284 --> 01:14:38,683
(LAUGHS)
1593
01:14:39,152 --> 01:14:40,744
Hey, I'm Bo.
1594
01:14:40,854 --> 01:14:42,287
What's up, Bo?
I'm an actor, so...
1595
01:14:42,389 --> 01:14:45,187
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
1596
01:14:46,993 --> 01:14:48,017
GEORGE: I've seen
your act a lot.
1597
01:14:48,128 --> 01:14:49,288
Really? Where?
1598
01:14:49,396 --> 01:14:53,526
Schmira, he has that...
What's that, the YouTubey
thing that, that...
1599
01:14:53,834 --> 01:14:54,823
DAISY: The YouTube.
GEORGE: Yeah.
1600
01:14:54,935 --> 01:14:57,699
George and Daisy are here?
How the hell did that happen?
1601
01:14:57,871 --> 01:15:00,203
I didn't think
George would come,
and who invited Daisy?
1602
01:15:00,307 --> 01:15:01,433
I invited her.
1603
01:15:01,541 --> 01:15:03,065
Are you still
sleeping with Daisy?
1604
01:15:03,176 --> 01:15:04,643
No, I'm not
sleeping with Daisy!
1605
01:15:04,778 --> 01:15:08,009
I have a new girlfriend now.
I'm dating the girl
who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
1606
01:15:08,115 --> 01:15:09,104
Her name's
Carla something.
1607
01:15:11,333 --> 01:15:13,164
Can I sit next to
George at dinner?
1608
01:15:13,269 --> 01:15:15,203
Sit wherever the hell
you want to sit, man, why?
1609
01:15:15,337 --> 01:15:18,329
I feel like if I can just
make George crack up once,
1610
01:15:18,741 --> 01:15:20,140
it'll do huge things
for me, like...
1611
01:15:20,242 --> 01:15:21,504
What, you wrote
jokes for Thanksgiving?
1612
01:15:21,610 --> 01:15:22,736
I didn't write jokes.
1613
01:15:22,845 --> 01:15:24,574
I just wrote down
my funniest anecdotes
1614
01:15:24,680 --> 01:15:25,874
and punched them up
here and there.
1615
01:15:26,382 --> 01:15:30,682
Okay,
I can't hide in the kitchen
all afternoon. I'm going.
1616
01:15:31,921 --> 01:15:33,684
My man. The Schmira.
1617
01:15:33,789 --> 01:15:35,222
Thanks for coming, man.
1618
01:15:35,324 --> 01:15:37,087
This is the best.
Where's your bedroom?
1619
01:15:37,459 --> 01:15:39,984
Well, get ready for a hike,
'cause you're standing in it.
1620
01:15:40,095 --> 01:15:41,995
No.
It's...
Yeah, it's pretty lame.
1621
01:15:42,097 --> 01:15:43,428
Did you go to
that Wilco show?
1622
01:15:43,532 --> 01:15:44,521
Yeah, did you?
1623
01:15:44,633 --> 01:15:47,500
(LAUGHS)
No, actually, I didn't.
I scalped the tickets.
1624
01:15:47,970 --> 01:15:48,959
I made 100 bucks
profit, so...
1625
01:15:49,071 --> 01:15:50,060
Oh. So, you
owe me 50.
1626
01:15:53,458 --> 01:15:56,086
Okay, I guess I do.
Rain check, okay?
1627
01:15:56,194 --> 01:15:57,161
Money order.
1628
01:15:57,329 --> 01:15:58,455
Money order?
That'll work.
Yeah.
1629
01:15:58,564 --> 01:16:00,361
PayPal? Are you on PayPal?
Yeah, PayPal it up.
1630
01:16:00,465 --> 01:16:03,025
Look at that,
back and forth,
like a cute couple.
1631
01:16:03,135 --> 01:16:05,535
You're like
Marc Anthony
and J. Lo.
1632
01:16:05,938 --> 01:16:09,567
You know, we actually
had a date, but then
I had sex with that guy,
1633
01:16:09,675 --> 01:16:11,108
so Schmira broke it off.
1634
01:16:11,209 --> 01:16:12,198
GEORGE: You kidding me?
1635
01:16:12,311 --> 01:16:15,474
Don't worry, Ira. You know
you're a better lover
than Pete Rose over there.
1636
01:16:15,581 --> 01:16:17,412
Look at him. He's got
the length and the width.
1637
01:16:17,516 --> 01:16:19,245
Imagine that dong of his.
1638
01:16:19,351 --> 01:16:21,512
I saw the tip of it one time.
Even that was too big for me.
1639
01:16:21,620 --> 01:16:23,281
No, it's very normal.
Yeah.
1640
01:16:23,388 --> 01:16:24,616
So, you like big penises?
1641
01:16:24,723 --> 01:16:27,283
Well, you know,
I have a really
skinny vagina, so...
1642
01:16:27,392 --> 01:16:29,189
If it's skinny,
you should try
feeding it carbs.
1643
01:16:29,294 --> 01:16:30,886
(LAUGHING)
1644
01:16:30,996 --> 01:16:32,588
Yeah.
All right, well,
jeez, you know what?
1645
01:16:32,698 --> 01:16:34,632
I'm gonna leave
you two alone, huh?
1646
01:16:34,733 --> 01:16:35,700
Yeah, okay.
1647
01:16:35,801 --> 01:16:36,893
I'm falling in love
with the both of you.
1648
01:16:37,002 --> 01:16:38,230
Let the awkwardness begin!
1649
01:16:38,337 --> 01:16:39,326
MAN: Love your work.
1650
01:16:39,438 --> 01:16:42,271
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
for shopping at Ralphs.
1651
01:16:42,374 --> 01:16:45,400
I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
It's really weird what I did.
1652
01:16:45,510 --> 01:16:49,503
I basically yelled at you for
cheating on me before we had
even had a real conversation.
1653
01:16:49,648 --> 01:16:52,674
So, I'm aware of that.
I know that's weird,
and I'm sorry.
1654
01:16:52,784 --> 01:16:54,581
Well, it's not as weird
as getting drunk
1655
01:16:54,686 --> 01:16:57,382
and having sex with the guy
from Yo Teach! So...
1656
01:16:57,723 --> 01:17:00,886
It's okay.
When I first moved here,
I blew Mr. Belvedere.
1657
01:17:01,093 --> 01:17:02,856
(LAUGHS)
So, everyone does that.