1
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:14,948
Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely
be getting you that bicycle.
2
00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:19,328
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.
3
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,663
All right. Merry Christmas!
4
00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:23,415
- Who's next?
- Santa!
5
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,168
Kumar, no! Merry...
6
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,961
Back of the line, tech support!
7
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,963
- Is this a joke?
- Hold the fuck on.
8
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:32,758
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.
9
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:37,930
- What do you want for Christmas?
- That's a really good question.
10
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,681
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
- Done.
11
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:40,933
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.
12
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,476
Wu-Tang to get back together.
13
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,019
I'll tell the elves.
14
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,813
This is just for my stockings.
15
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,106
- For my present...
- Hey!
16
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,817
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?
17
00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:52,027
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.
18
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,445
- Ooh. Bong.
- Oh!
19
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,824
Right in the sugar plums.
20
00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,828
Okay. On the menu today, we have:
21
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,621
Winter Wonder Weed.
22
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:05,958
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
23
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,376
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.
24
00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,837
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?
25
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:11,713
Hey, some people like the holidays.
26
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:15,801
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom lmmanuel cleaned me out.
27
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,137
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."
28
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:19,555
A little more expensive.
29
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,349
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.
30
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,017
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.
31
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,519
Mm.
32
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:26,895
- Shit.
- What?
33
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:28,730
You have anything to smoke out of?
34
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:10,272
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
35
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,442
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
36
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,277
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.
37
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,448
Wait...
38
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,824
...more protesters?
39
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,952
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?
40
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,287
Kenneth, it's Christmas.
41
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,915
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.
42
00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,958
Let's see how you did
on your assignment.
43
00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:33,378
I think I found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.
44
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:36,340
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.
45
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,759
Ow.
46
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,594
Oh, my God.
47
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:41,428
Hi.
48
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,055
This is a Sharp...
49
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,307
...52" Aquos Quattron TV...
50
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,101
...with state-of-the-art 3D technology...
51
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:50,312
...that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
52
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,315
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?
53
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,983
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.
54
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:56,985
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.
55
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,862
It's gonna be amazing!
56
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,616
Who are you looking at?
57
00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:08,956
Mr. Lee!
58
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,791
Want me to call you a cab...
59
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,793
...a town car, a limo? It's not safe...
60
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,795
...out there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.
61
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,838
I got a buddy picking me up.
62
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,967
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...
63
00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:21,593
...Harold, and Happy New Year!
64
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:22,636
Hey, over there.
65
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:23,762
We got another one.
66
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,515
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.
67
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,183
Hey...
68
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:31,019
...angry protesters!
I just got a huge Christmas bonus...
69
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,105
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...
70
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:33,981
...dick!
71
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:47,703
Get him!
72
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:21,194
Dude!
73
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:22,696
Open the door!
74
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,656
Unh. Thank God you're here.
75
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,451
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.
76
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,662
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!
77
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,205
Just drive. Todd, drive.
78
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,334
No, no, no! No, no, no!
79
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,043
Oh, great.
80
00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:37,586
Now we're getting tinkled on.
81
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,755
- It's just urine. It'll wash out.
- Oh, Harry.
82
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:42,341
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...
83
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:44,092
...that has ever happened to me.
84
00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:47,095
Ugh.
85
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,064
It smells like shit in here.
86
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:08,742
Hey...
87
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,410
...neighbor.
- Hey, man.
88
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,787
What's up? What are you...?
89
00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:14,790
You're here a little early.
You didn't go to the bathroom?
90
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:15,999
No, why?
91
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:18,502
I made a mess.
92
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,087
Right. Don't talk about it.
93
00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:21,463
What the hell's going on?
94
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,256
Relax. It's not what it looks like.
95
00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:26,843
Unless it looks like I rent your bathroom
for homeless people to shit in.
96
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,345
Then it's what it looks like.
97
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:29,805
The fuck?
98
00:06:29,972 --> 00:06:31,640
It's the coffee at the shelter.
99
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,100
It's powerful, man.
100
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,353
Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
101
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,188
Okay, next, please. Move.
102
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,439
No. Hey, no.
103
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,650
I was gonna
split the profits with you...
104
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:45,153
...which at a buck a dump,
comes out to be 40 bucks.
105
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:47,697
- I don't wa... Seriously, 40 bucks?
- Yeah.
106
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:50,784
Oh. That reminds me. Remember that chick
I met on the Internet?
107
00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:53,870
- The one with the huge clit?
- No, not Clitzilla.
108
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:58,083
- I'm talking about Mary.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.
109
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,502
Yes, exactly. Well, get this.
She wants me...
110
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,046
...to deflower her.
111
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,714
Tonight. Christmas Eve.
112
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,342
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:
113
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,469
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.
114
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,722
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise I won't get high.
115
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,182
Why not ask your roommate?
116
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,852
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.
117
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,021
I already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...
118
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,857
...with his stupid girlfriend.
119
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:24,985
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...
120
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,028
...then they get married...
121
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:29,114
...then you never hear from them again.
122
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:32,534
Fuck it, I'm in.
123
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:33,827
Yes.
124
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,538
What are we doing here, Harry?
125
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,206
You know what Dr. Oz says?
126
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,916
Guys our age need to watch...
127
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:41,710
...our cholesterol.
- Yeah, I know.
128
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,547
I'm in for a really stressful weekend.
I just needed some comfort food.
129
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,884
Don't get too comfortable. Keep your
game face on for your father-in-law.
130
00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:50,719
- Did you stock the fridge?
- I did.
131
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,388
- With ethnic items that he might need?
- I did.
132
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,223
- Did you Pledge the banister?
- Check.
133
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,184
- Did you get the potpourri balls?
- Yes.
134
00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,019
Letting him have the master bedroom?
135
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:00,604
No.
136
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:03,064
Harry. Unh! No, no, no.
137
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,733
Might have S'ed the bed on that.
138
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,027
You can curse in front of me.
Baby's not here.
139
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,737
I know. Force of habit. Just...
140
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:11,072
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
141
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,408
That's a Mr. Pibb,
Sprite, Diet Coke suicide?
142
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:14,409
Correct.
143
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,870
- There you go.
- Thank you, kind sir.
144
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,915
Oh, by the way,
you got shit all over your car.
145
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,585
Thank you for the update.
Don't appreciate the language.
146
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,754
Everybody's got a potty mouth
these days.
147
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,048
It is a G-D shame.
148
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,008
And they'll burn in H.
149
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:37,766
Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.
150
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,560
Well, Harry. Harry.
151
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:42,020
You have outdone yourself.
152
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,563
If you knew Maria's dad...
153
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,440
...you'd pull out all the stops too.
154
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,609
Has not accepted you
as part of the family?
155
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:51,821
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...
156
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,615
...all the work, he appreciates it.
157
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:54,866
Oh, so smart.
158
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,701
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
159
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,245
Oh. Jinx.
160
00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:01,331
You always do that.
You keep doing it. It's crazy.
161
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,792
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.
162
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:05,126
Or both.
163
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:08,004
Maria!
164
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,799
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's looking...
165
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,552
...uh, very merry today.
166
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,595
Somebody is also...
167
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,639
...ovulating.
168
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,432
Um...
169
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:23,645
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's...
170
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,648
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!
171
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,567
Because when they get here...
172
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:32,779
...we are going to have no private time.
173
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,406
I don't know if we should.
174
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,992
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.
175
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,202
Okay, I will.
176
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,540
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
177
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,710
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.
178
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:50,171
Shit.
179
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,175
Go. Go.
180
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,597
Be cool.
181
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,269
Carlos, Merry Christmas.
182
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,230
Hello, Harold.
183
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,483
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?
184
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:15,864
Empanadas?
185
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:18,325
Where's Maria?
186
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,284
She's upstairs...
187
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,785
...getting ready.
188
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,203
Can I get you a beer?
189
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:23,580
What the hell is that?
190
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,710
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.
191
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,295
This is our Christmas tree.
192
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,588
Is it fake?
193
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,548
It's faux, actually.
194
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,258
You celebrating real Christmas...
195
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,218
...or a faux Christmas?
196
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,887
Real Christmas?
197
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,222
Then why the hell
would you buy a faux tree?
198
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,058
It's an investment, really.
199
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,309
Daddy.
200
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:45,769
Daddy!
201
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,062
God.
202
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:48,229
I've missed you!
203
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:50,732
And the whole family...
204
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:51,816
...is here.
205
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,110
Hi...
206
00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:55,320
...everybody!
207
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,156
Oh, God.
208
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,077
Oh. I guess Timo...
209
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:03,244
...made parole.
210
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:05,080
Uh, not exactly.
211
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,832
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!
212
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,127
You take it.
213
00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:13,588
You people are real good
with those things.
214
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,092
It's just the weekend.
215
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,803
It's just the weekend.
216
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,766
Has this ever happened to you?
217
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,142
This stupid waffle's stuck.
218
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,270
Oh, my God! Billy!
219
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:30,605
- Heh-heh-heh.
- George, call 911!
220
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:31,773
This is fucked up.
221
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:32,857
How about this?
222
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,320
Well, it doesn't have to anymore.
223
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,614
Introducing WaffleBot.
224
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:41,825
WaffleBot!
225
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,787
Just pop the top, let that batter drop...
226
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,831
... and WaffleBot does the rest.
227
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,791
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.
228
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,002
Thanks, WaffleBot!
229
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,963
I love you.
230
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,172
Get the Christmas...
231
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,383
... toy of the season while they're hot.
232
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,012
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!
233
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,724
Kumar! It's Vanessa.
234
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:09,477
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.
235
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,312
Come on in.
236
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,815
Since when do you have a beard?
237
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:16,901
I actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.
238
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,404
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.
239
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,656
When's the last time you cleaned?
240
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,658
Like three months ago.
241
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:24,868
Less romantic?
242
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:26,327
Little bit, yeah.
243
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,830
I'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.
244
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:29,748
Oh, no, no, no.
245
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:31,332
No, I shouldn't.
246
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,500
Of course you should.
247
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,377
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.
248
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:37,756
I'm pregnant.
249
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:40,341
You're pregnant?
250
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:41,718
We...
251
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,011
We practiced safe sex.
252
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,097
I mean, I pulled out
and came on your back.
253
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,557
A couple squeaks got by...
254
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,684
...but is that all it takes?
- Yes.
255
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,562
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school.
256
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,273
I didn't flunk out of med school.
I failed a drug test.
257
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,566
How do I even know...
258
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:57,859
...that the baby's mine?
259
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,361
I haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.
260
00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:02,030
Nice.
261
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:04,199
What do you want to do about it?
262
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:05,533
All right, um...
263
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,461
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...
264
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,921
...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.
265
00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,381
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.
266
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:24,803
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?
267
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,596
Both. No.
268
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,140
- I mean...
- You know what? I knew you...
269
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,100
...couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.
270
00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:32,393
I'm really high.
271
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:35,772
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.
272
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,107
It's why I couldn't stay here anymore.
273
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,401
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...
274
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,904
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...
275
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,489
...you're MIA.
276
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,782
Give me a half hour...
277
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:46,991
...to sober up.
278
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,701
Fuck.
279
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,584
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or...? No? Okay.
280
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,715
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha, ha.
281
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,092
Glad your family's here.
282
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,343
I'm just wondering...
283
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:09,305
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.
284
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:11,474
We'll make it work.
We have plenty of room.
285
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,184
Okay.
286
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,185
I'm sorry.
287
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,812
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.
288
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:18,439
Harold.
289
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,358
Hey, speaking of guests...
290
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,735
...are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?
291
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:26,531
Kumar? You kidding me?
I haven't seen that guy in years.
292
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:27,532
Kumar has been...
293
00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:30,535
...your friend for a long time.
- It is perfectly normal.
294
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:33,454
People lose half their friends
every seven years.
295
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,290
It's not like I don't have friends.
296
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:38,126
- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
- At least he doesn't...
297
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,378
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.
298
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,298
Ah, okay.
299
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:51,389
Rosetta Stone.
300
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,516
A lifesaver.
301
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:04,986
Be right there!
302
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,332
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.
303
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,713
Maybe we can...
304
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,840
Are you sure we have to...
305
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,009
...throw it out?
- This tree is a cancer.
306
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,553
We have to get rid of it
before it kills Christmas.
307
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,180
Very intense wording.
308
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,355
Wow! Oh, my God.
309
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,690
I can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.
310
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,943
Am I missing something?
311
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,278
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.
312
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,364
- Oh.
Twelve-foot Fraser fir.
313
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:51,741
Look at the branch distribution.
314
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:52,575
Oh, I see.
315
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:53,868
Hey, hey!
316
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:55,787
She's very delicate.
317
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,247
I've been growing her for eight years.
318
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:02,543
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.
319
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:04,921
Oh, God.
320
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,381
Not a big deal?
321
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,716
Let me tell you a story, Harold.
322
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,551
Growing up in Medell�n...
323
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:14,138
... my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.
324
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,808
Every year I would pray to God:
325
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:21,437
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree."
326
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:23,064
And every Christmas...
327
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,566
...I was heartbroken.
328
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,736
When my mother finally
moved me to America...
329
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,738
... she promised me we would have...
330
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,617
... a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.
331
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:38,955
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...
332
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,957
... she was violently attacked...
333
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,126
...by a gang of Korean punks.
334
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,808
They stabbed her multiple times.
335
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,102
- Fucking kill her!
- Whoo!
336
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:05,648
She bled to death.
337
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,941
So I guess...
338
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:10,778
...you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.
339
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,113
Oh, my God.
340
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,451
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I'm sorry.
341
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,411
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?
342
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:19,245
I don't know.
343
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:20,621
My eyes are all fucked up.
344
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,791
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! It's indecent!
345
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,835
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.
346
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,837
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.
347
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,423
Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to spend tonight in the city...
348
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,799
...with you guys.
349
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,092
Wait.
350
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,386
I got this.
351
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:39,640
I'll take care of the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.
352
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,642
No. No, no, no.
353
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,644
We brought the tree all the way down.
354
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,855
It has to look perfect
on Christmas morning.
355
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:50,526
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care of it.
356
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,987
When you come back,
the tree will be decorated.
357
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,491
This house, I promise you,
is gonna be perfect.
358
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:09,045
You know, I like the beard,
but I love clean-shaven you.
359
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,339
You look like an Indian Don Draper.
360
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,049
What did Vanessa do to suck...
361
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,675
...the life out of you...
362
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:16,052
...this afternoon?
363
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:20,014
I don't have anyone else to confide in.
I might as well tell you. Uh...
364
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:21,682
Vanessa's pregnan...
365
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,683
A queefer.
366
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,727
- What?
- I knew it.
367
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,397
I used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.
368
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:31,526
It was ridiculous.
I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.
369
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,362
When was the last time
you saw this guy?
370
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,405
- Two years ago.
- So...
371
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:39,867
...why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.
372
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:43,037
He is, all right? I just...
I don't want his shit in my place.
373
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:47,208
Can we put on some Wu-Tang?
374
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:50,086
What? No. No Wu-Tang, okay?
Christmas music. I like it.
375
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,838
Because you weren't brought up...
376
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,881
...normal, doesn't mean
you should ruin it.
377
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:55,007
You're Jewish.
378
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:55,842
I know, right?
379
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,097
Sure this is the right address?
380
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:05,309
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.
381
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:07,270
I guess.
382
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:10,106
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna drop this off.
383
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,071
Big house, lot of bathrooms.
384
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,740
Lot of poopies, lot of money.
385
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,075
Daddy likes.
386
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:42,680
Fuck!
387
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,604
Kumar?
388
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:52,773
Hello, Harold.
389
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,110
- Hey.
- Hey.
390
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,279
- Hey.
- I was...
391
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,656
- How are you? Good to see you.
- Oh, hey.
392
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,117
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.
393
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:07,622
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.
394
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,124
Oh. Okay, cool.
395
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:12,710
You look terrific. You lose weight?
396
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:16,422
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.
397
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,550
No. You know.
398
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,346
Do you want to come in for a drink...
399
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:24,680
...or something?
400
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:25,973
Um...
401
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,518
Christmas, Christmas
402
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:30,728
Do you not have time?
403
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:31,896
- Oh.
- Oh.
404
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,484
- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.
405
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,153
Watch your step, it's icy there.
406
00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:42,740
Eggnog? Empanadas?
407
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,451
Uh... Sure. Yeah.
408
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,663
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.
409
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,831
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.
410
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:55,211
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.
411
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,880
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.
412
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:03,386
Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like
you guys got some awesome sconces.
413
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,680
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
414
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:08,182
So, what's up with this package?
415
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,435
My name and your address. That's weird.
416
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,271
I haven't lived there for so long.
417
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,022
I know. That's strange.
418
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:17,984
Whoa.
419
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:23,781
Ooh.
420
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:26,867
What the hell is this?
421
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,078
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?
422
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,496
Is this a joke?
423
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:32,707
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?
424
00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:34,750
Had I known, I would have smoked it.
425
00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:36,544
Is there a...?
426
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:38,254
No return address.
427
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:41,590
I don't even see any stamps on this.
428
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,426
What are you doing?
429
00:21:43,593 --> 00:21:44,385
Getting not low.
430
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:45,886
No smoking in this house.
431
00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:48,306
What? What douche came up
with that rule?
432
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:50,266
This douche did.
433
00:21:57,774 --> 00:21:58,899
That was good shit.
434
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,776
I don't care, okay?
435
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:02,153
I don't smoke anymore.
436
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:03,779
- What?
- I just felt...
437
00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:05,865
...that a lot of times when I got high...
438
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,159
...things would go really wrong. So...
439
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,329
But, Harold, weed is so good.
440
00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:12,788
It gets you high.
441
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:14,540
I got nothing against weed, okay?
442
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:17,293
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But I'm an adult now.
443
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,421
And frankly, I'm kind of glad that
the craziness is behind me.
444
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:22,673
Do you smell something burning?
445
00:22:24,092 --> 00:22:25,092
Oh, shit!
446
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,844
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
447
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,262
Shit!
448
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,598
It's spreading. It's spreading!
449
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,099
Here.
450
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,268
Bah, bah, bah!
Not the throw pillows!
451
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:35,561
Seriously?
452
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,690
I did it anyway!
453
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,108
What the fuck?!
454
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:48,032
Shit!
455
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,367
Maria's dad will kill me!
456
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,326
Stop yelling!
457
00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:52,453
We gotta get rid of this tree!
458
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:54,163
Okay.
459
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,387
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.
460
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:13,724
Calm down.
It's just a Christmas tree.
461
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:14,975
"Just a Christmas tree"?
462
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,353
Maria's dad grew that tree...
463
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:18,979
...and now it is dead.
464
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,441
Koreans have killed his mother,
and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.
465
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:23,818
Christmas isn't ruined.
466
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:25,861
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.
467
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:28,614
They're gonna come home from Mass
and expect to see...
468
00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:31,325
...a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.
469
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:34,370
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty of tree lots.
470
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:36,914
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.
471
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,416
We're not gonna do anything.
472
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:42,378
You know what? Um, this is my fault.
473
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,797
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.
474
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:47,091
I will take care of this. Thank you.
475
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,135
- I don't mind helping out...
- I got it.
476
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:50,886
- We have a van...
- I got it.
477
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:54,682
Okay. You got it.
478
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,268
- You need anything, just give me...
- Merry Christmas.
479
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:02,022
Merry Christmas, Harold.
480
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:07,820
What the fuck took so long?
481
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:09,530
Nothing. Let's just go.
482
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:13,200
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.
483
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,876
- Freeze! This is a robbery.
- Give me all your friendship.
484
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:23,461
Oh, wow, look at that.
485
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,754
You know, it's kind of better
than a window.
486
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,923
It's like a stained-glass
window of paper.
487
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,258
Any luck with the tree?
488
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,719
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.
489
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:33,554
It's "3D."
490
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:34,263
Hmm?
491
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:35,431
Daddy-Daughter Day.
492
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,600
You can't back out
of Daddy-Daughter Day...
493
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:40,394
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...
494
00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:43,063
...and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.
495
00:24:43,231 --> 00:24:44,398
- All bad things.
- Ah.
496
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,609
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called...
497
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:49,695
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.
498
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:52,198
The itsy bitsy spider
499
00:24:52,365 --> 00:24:53,574
Crawled up the water spout
500
00:24:53,742 --> 00:24:55,117
They say that singing is...
501
00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:57,411
...the best way to communicate
with a child.
502
00:24:57,579 --> 00:24:58,871
I guess I haven't found...
503
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,581
...the right song for her yet.
504
00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:02,583
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?
505
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,835
The tree. Right. So I called them.
506
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,420
They had one 12-foot fir left.
507
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,923
- And I reserved it.
- You got it?
508
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:11,926
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.
509
00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:13,761
I know. I don't know why I didn't.
510
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:15,763
- Okay, good. Let's go.
- Whoo!
511
00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:16,847
You know.
512
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:18,265
Okay. Next time.
513
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:24,647
Now, before this party...
514
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,440
...we got to talk about your game.
515
00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:29,985
Heh. The last time you hit on a chick,
you had to ask for her beeper number.
516
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:32,947
Get it?
517
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:36,075
Aw, dude, turn in there!
518
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:38,244
Really? A tree farm?
519
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:43,707
"Best selection"...
520
00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:44,542
...my ass.
521
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:46,877
It's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?
522
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:48,295
If I was a tree farmer...
523
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:51,131
...l'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.
524
00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:52,466
What the fuck that mean?
525
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,470
He's just playing.
How you doing? I'm Latrell.
526
00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:58,222
Hello. Kumar.
527
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:00,975
This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.
528
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:04,436
Ah!
529
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:06,397
- So you two own this tree lot?
- What?
530
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:10,234
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?
531
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:13,737
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.
532
00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:15,406
- What?
- What?
533
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,575
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.
534
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:20,578
Heh, heh. Word. Word.
My boy here, same way.
535
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,830
Cagey as shit. Right, boy?
536
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:26,000
If you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.
537
00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:29,003
Here's one we did for Ja Rule.
Ha-ha-ha.
538
00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:29,878
Ooh. We'll take it.
539
00:26:30,046 --> 00:26:30,713
Pow.
540
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,799
- Ooh. How much is that?
- That tree? Sorry.
541
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:35,301
Just got reserved.
542
00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:37,303
I really need it. I'll pay double.
543
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:38,846
Oh, I got you now.
544
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:41,390
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.
545
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,601
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?
546
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:44,602
Triple.
547
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:46,312
I'll get the rope.
548
00:26:46,521 --> 00:26:47,855
- Quadruple.
- Stop.
549
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:49,648
Sold.
550
00:26:51,484 --> 00:26:55,904
Can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?
551
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:58,407
Just hold on a second, all right?
552
00:26:58,617 --> 00:26:59,867
I see what you're doing.
553
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:01,327
Forget about her.
554
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:02,745
- Think about me.
- All right.
555
00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:06,415
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.
556
00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:08,042
Yeah.
557
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,338
We got another customer.
558
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:15,758
Can I play angry black guy this time?
559
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,676
Aw, come on. You just played it.
560
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:19,178
And I got triple the money.
561
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,221
Come on, please? Come on!
562
00:27:21,389 --> 00:27:22,389
Three French hens
563
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:23,599
Would you stop?
564
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,767
I wish I could stop
565
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:26,185
Sorry, I'm trying my best
566
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:27,436
Hi. You guys in charge?
567
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:32,441
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?
568
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:33,776
Gat's coming out
569
00:27:33,943 --> 00:27:35,361
That was so good. Ha, ha.
570
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:37,905
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.
571
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,198
- We called.
- Oh, yeah?
572
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,950
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!
573
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,077
What? You sold it?
574
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:43,786
To who?
575
00:27:43,953 --> 00:27:45,788
Those white boys over there.
576
00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:49,291
Fuck!
577
00:27:49,459 --> 00:27:50,209
Hey.
578
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:51,710
Aah! Where are we going?
579
00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:54,922
Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.
580
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:55,923
Good idea!
581
00:27:57,926 --> 00:27:58,592
I'm sorry.
582
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,719
- You lost your gangsta grill.
- I know.
583
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:03,138
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.
584
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:06,183
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.
585
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,644
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.
586
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,063
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.
587
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:13,607
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...
588
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:15,609
...because we got precious cargo...
589
00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:17,778
...and it is very icy out there.
590
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,823
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard of black ice?
591
00:28:20,990 --> 00:28:24,076
It's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.
592
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:26,328
Relax. I can feel the road.
It's not that bad.
593
00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:29,248
Yo, slow down, man.
594
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,501
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP.
595
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,087
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.
596
00:28:35,255 --> 00:28:36,839
Yogurt has an expiration date.
597
00:28:37,006 --> 00:28:39,842
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.
598
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,677
It was really sour.
599
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:43,846
But yogurt is sour,
so how was I to know?
600
00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:46,348
Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...
601
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:47,766
...but I'm cold... Hello?
602
00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,268
You're not looking at me.
603
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:51,478
I should look at the road
and you look at me.
604
00:28:51,646 --> 00:28:52,813
- It's opposite.
- Watch out!
605
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:54,148
Ow, ow.
606
00:28:56,985 --> 00:28:57,860
Holy shit!
607
00:28:58,027 --> 00:28:58,694
Black ice!
608
00:28:58,862 --> 00:28:59,945
Black ice! It's real!
609
00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:01,697
Oh, shit!
610
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:03,323
Oh, my God!
611
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:05,159
Don't just scream!
612
00:29:05,326 --> 00:29:06,452
You're just screaming!
613
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:07,536
That's not helpful!
614
00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:10,456
Oh, shit!
615
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:20,466
Holy shit!
616
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:21,550
Oh, Harry, stop!
617
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:25,262
Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.
618
00:29:29,267 --> 00:29:30,225
Oh, my ass.
619
00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:34,396
I am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.
620
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,565
You guys all right?
How are you alive?
621
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:37,900
Harold?
622
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:39,401
Kumar?
623
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:42,029
That was you at the tree farm?
You took my tree?
624
00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:45,073
- So you killed two trees in one night.
- Hold on.
625
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:47,159
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.
626
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:52,581
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.
627
00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:56,752
That was the only 12-foot Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.
628
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:57,711
Fuck your tree!
629
00:29:57,879 --> 00:29:58,921
What about my car?
630
00:29:59,088 --> 00:30:00,255
I got a virgin to fuck!
631
00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:01,882
Who is this? Who is Glasses?
632
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:03,926
Heh. Nice, Harry.
633
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:06,804
- This is my friend, Adrian.
- Oh.
634
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:08,180
He's young.
635
00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:09,890
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.
636
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,517
Why the H...
637
00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:13,268
...did you F-wads...
638
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:17,439
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?
639
00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:18,774
Who is this toolbox?
640
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:20,943
This is my friend, Todd.
641
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:23,111
Oh, yeah? What kind of friend?
Best friend?
642
00:30:23,321 --> 00:30:26,448
- I wouldn't say best... Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.
643
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:28,283
That's awesome.
644
00:30:28,451 --> 00:30:29,576
Buddy.
645
00:30:29,744 --> 00:30:30,911
Homey.
646
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:32,746
This was fun. But I got...
647
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:34,289
...a hot date in the city.
648
00:30:34,457 --> 00:30:35,624
You have to take me.
649
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:36,792
What? No.
650
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,920
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.
651
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:42,714
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:
652
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:46,134
Hey, Adrian.
I can't wait to finally meet you.
653
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:48,887
I'm going to rock your world.
654
00:30:49,931 --> 00:30:50,722
I promise...
655
00:30:50,890 --> 00:30:52,432
... it will be worth the wait.
656
00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:56,812
Wait, look at this fir.
657
00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,897
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.
658
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:00,315
Shut up. The tree.
659
00:31:00,483 --> 00:31:01,942
It's like Maria's dad's tree.
660
00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:04,319
- It's magnificent.
- I'll make you a deal.
661
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:06,613
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.
662
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:08,156
No. It's already very late.
663
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:09,616
Shut the fuck up, Todd!
664
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:11,159
This doesn't concern you!
665
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:13,328
- Easy.
- He can not... He is not allow...
666
00:31:13,496 --> 00:31:15,247
Hey. Calm down. Calm down.
667
00:31:15,415 --> 00:31:18,333
I'm running out of time.
I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.
668
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:20,460
Work with me. Listen.
669
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:21,920
I'm not driving for nothing.
670
00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,172
Make sure we can get the tree,
you got a deal.
671
00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:25,007
Done.
672
00:31:26,175 --> 00:31:26,925
Hey, douche?
673
00:31:27,093 --> 00:31:27,634
Yeah?
674
00:31:27,802 --> 00:31:28,343
Shotgun.
675
00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:29,261
Oh.
676
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:30,679
Scr...
677
00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:32,389
S you. S you.
678
00:31:34,684 --> 00:31:35,684
"S"?
679
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,352
- "S you"?
- "Screw you."
680
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:38,979
- Oh, right.
- Screw you!
681
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:43,191
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.
682
00:31:45,278 --> 00:31:46,153
The tree is removable?
683
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,280
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
684
00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:51,158
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Please hang up...
685
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:52,326
We can have the tree?
686
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:53,493
She said it?
687
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:54,703
She said that, yes.
688
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:57,122
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.
689
00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:02,461
What is he doing? What is he doing?
690
00:32:03,129 --> 00:32:04,004
What are you doing?
691
00:32:04,505 --> 00:32:05,297
What?
692
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:06,715
My daughter's in there!
693
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:07,466
What?
694
00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:09,885
- Oh, shit!
- What the fuck, Kumar?
695
00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:11,136
I didn't see her.
696
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,512
You got my baby high!
697
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,473
You got his baby high.
698
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:15,807
Hold on a second.
699
00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:19,394
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?
700
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:22,314
Okay, great.
701
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,358
Now she has the giggles.
702
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:26,360
- Sorry.
- If Emma finds out...
703
00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:27,569
...we won't be able...
704
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:28,987
...to come to the party.
705
00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:30,030
What party?
706
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:31,990
Oh, it's just a work...
707
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:33,075
...Christmas party...
708
00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:34,493
...kind of thing.
709
00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:35,243
Right, Todd?
710
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:36,870
Yeah. It's gonna be...
711
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:38,080
...classic.
712
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,375
Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip.
713
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:42,709
Try singing again.
714
00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:44,086
It never works.
715
00:32:44,253 --> 00:32:45,754
- Hey. Hey.
- What are you doing?
716
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:47,756
Hey.
717
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:49,967
If you want beef, then bring the ruckus
718
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:51,551
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
719
00:32:51,719 --> 00:32:52,761
Nothin' to fuck with
720
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:53,887
Straight from
721
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,764
The motherfucking slums that's busted
722
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:57,432
Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with
723
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:58,475
Ahh.
724
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,229
Dude, you baby-whispered her.
725
00:33:02,605 --> 00:33:04,231
I do not care for the language...
726
00:33:04,399 --> 00:33:05,732
...but that was impressive.
727
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,025
What singing group...
728
00:33:07,193 --> 00:33:08,610
...is that?
- The Wu-Tang Clan.
729
00:33:08,778 --> 00:33:10,737
The Gu-Ga... The Wu-Gang Band?
730
00:33:10,905 --> 00:33:12,531
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.
731
00:33:12,699 --> 00:33:13,365
Harry.
732
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:15,951
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?
733
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,619
There's a lot you don't know...
734
00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:18,578
...about Harry, huh?
735
00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:19,955
Excuse me?
736
00:33:20,123 --> 00:33:21,957
- Was that directed to me?
- Yeah, douche.
737
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,542
Okay. Taken.
738
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:26,795
I got the munchies.
739
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:27,921
Now we have to...
740
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:30,382
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.
741
00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:33,427
So she can come down
from her trip. Fantastic.
742
00:33:54,574 --> 00:33:58,243
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.
743
00:33:58,411 --> 00:33:59,411
- What?
- What?
744
00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:02,622
It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.
745
00:34:02,790 --> 00:34:05,250
Also, I told her you work
for the White House.
746
00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:07,002
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
747
00:34:11,966 --> 00:34:13,425
It is I, the B-l-G, the B-O-I
748
00:34:13,593 --> 00:34:15,635
Well, I spy with my little eye...
749
00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:18,680
...three felonies that I can see
in this room right now.
750
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:19,681
Four.
751
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:22,934
That's it. That's our tree. It's perfect.
752
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:24,853
- It's better than the photograph.
- Ha, ha.
753
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:25,979
It's perfect.
754
00:34:26,147 --> 00:34:26,813
Hey, Glasses.
755
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:30,108
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
756
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:32,861
Yo, yo, yo!
757
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:35,322
What it is, pimp, player...
758
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:36,281
...et cetera?
759
00:34:36,449 --> 00:34:38,825
- What's up? Where's Mary?
- I don't know...
760
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:41,787
...dude, but if I was you,
I would steer clear.
761
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:43,872
Does she have a tail
or something? What?
762
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:47,334
Don't listen to these guys.
It takes balls to do what you're doing.
763
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:48,502
You're freaking me out.
764
00:34:48,669 --> 00:34:50,295
- What is wrong with her?
Ha-ha-ha.
765
00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:52,089
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
766
00:35:09,982 --> 00:35:11,566
Wow, you look just like...
767
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:12,734
...your profile pic.
768
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,402
You look better. Hi.
769
00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:16,905
You're hot, girl.
770
00:35:17,115 --> 00:35:18,240
Thank you.
771
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:22,244
So do you, like, want to see my room?
772
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:23,912
Hey, hey. What about the tree?
773
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:24,996
I'll get it.
774
00:35:25,164 --> 00:35:28,083
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.
775
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,501
But hopefully more. Heh.
776
00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:30,919
Probably less.
777
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,337
You owe me a tree, punk.
778
00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:36,716
Ugh. Ugh.
779
00:35:36,884 --> 00:35:39,386
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.
780
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,249
I've got to find a place
to change a diaper.
781
00:35:41,250 --> 00:35:42,097
Oh, God.
782
00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:46,017
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?
783
00:35:46,185 --> 00:35:47,185
Wu-Tang, dude.
784
00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:48,145
Woo-hoo.
785
00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:51,439
Your little friend better get me a tree.
786
00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:53,650
I'm sorry about him, dude. l...
787
00:35:55,903 --> 00:35:57,195
Hey, grandpa!
788
00:35:57,363 --> 00:35:59,072
- Toss it back.
- Who you calling...
789
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,283
...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.
790
00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:03,201
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...
791
00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:04,369
...right now.
792
00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:05,579
Karate Kid style.
793
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:06,413
Really?
794
00:36:06,581 --> 00:36:08,415
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?
795
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:12,752
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars
Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.
796
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:13,920
What?
797
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:15,672
Generation Z, here's your ball.
798
00:36:16,966 --> 00:36:20,260
Who invited these fucking losers?
799
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:22,262
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?
800
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:25,223
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.
801
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:26,141
What?
802
00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:28,143
Fuck that! I don't care...
803
00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:31,146
...what my sister said.
I'm not letting you take our tree.
804
00:36:31,314 --> 00:36:33,148
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.
805
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:34,482
Come on.
806
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:37,235
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're out of here.
807
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,653
It's a bit of an emergency.
808
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:40,947
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.
809
00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:42,157
If you beat us...
810
00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:43,450
...you get the tree.
811
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:47,829
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.
812
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:50,624
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pong?
813
00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:53,335
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys
haven't heard of it before.
814
00:36:53,502 --> 00:36:54,294
Oh, no, no.
815
00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:56,004
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.
816
00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:58,673
Except, see, in our day,
it was called Beirut.
817
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:00,759
And we didn't have the rollback rule...
818
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,344
...like you pussies have today.
819
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,721
I remember the day
they announced the rule.
820
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:06,932
Same day I kicked a
little bitch's ass at it.
821
00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:09,142
You remind me a lot of that guy...
822
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,852
...except you're shorter.
823
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,354
And he had pubes.
824
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:13,939
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.
825
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:15,941
All my other friends...
826
00:37:16,108 --> 00:37:17,859
...lost their virginity in 7th grade.
827
00:37:18,027 --> 00:37:19,527
I can't believe it's happening.
828
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:23,031
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?
829
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,867
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.
830
00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:27,160
Why won't they?
831
00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:28,995
Probably because they're scared.
832
00:37:29,163 --> 00:37:30,872
Well, I don't get scared.
833
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,208
Scared of...
What are they scared of, though?
834
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:34,876
Hey! Enough talk.
835
00:37:38,547 --> 00:37:39,339
Gonna hit this?
836
00:37:39,507 --> 00:37:41,258
Yes. I will. Hit it.
837
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:45,387
Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.
838
00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:47,555
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.
839
00:37:47,765 --> 00:37:49,766
Forget it. Heh.
840
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:54,813
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you...
841
00:37:55,189 --> 00:37:57,190
Aah! Okay, I need this room...
842
00:37:57,358 --> 00:38:00,527
...for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...
843
00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:03,405
...doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!
844
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:04,364
Smush my pussy!
845
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:05,240
I'm coming!
846
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,075
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm coming!
847
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:09,369
Baby, blow me.
848
00:38:11,163 --> 00:38:12,038
Ugh.
849
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:17,836
A boom batta, these pockets...
850
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:18,878
...getting fatter.
851
00:38:19,046 --> 00:38:19,713
You guys...
852
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,214
...got nothing on me.
853
00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:24,301
Dude, I need this tree.
854
00:38:25,052 --> 00:38:25,885
I know.
855
00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:28,722
- We hit this, we win.
- No matter. There's no way...
856
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:31,266
...you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.
857
00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:33,435
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?
858
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:40,108
- Time.
- What?
859
00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:44,279
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."
860
00:38:44,447 --> 00:38:46,906
It's too risky.
I haven't done that in forever.
861
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:49,617
No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.
862
00:38:57,877 --> 00:38:59,377
Hello, old friend.
863
00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:02,339
Clear.
864
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:25,445
We won!
865
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:27,155
Who are those guys?
866
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,158
I don't know,
but they're fucking studs.
867
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:40,001
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.
868
00:39:44,298 --> 00:39:45,006
Who's that?
869
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:46,966
Oh, that's just my dad.
870
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:49,761
Why does he look...
871
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:50,970
...so familiar?
872
00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:31,386
That's not good. No.
873
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:33,555
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?
874
00:40:33,722 --> 00:40:35,932
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.
875
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:38,977
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.
876
00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:39,978
No, no, no.
877
00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:41,062
Give your dick.
878
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,856
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.
879
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:43,898
Wait, I almost got it.
880
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:46,568
It really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!
881
00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:49,070
Are you going soft on me?
882
00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:50,155
Uh-uh.
883
00:40:50,322 --> 00:40:51,739
You better not go soft on me!
884
00:40:51,949 --> 00:40:53,408
I'm not, it's just hard.
885
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,076
Aah! And it really, really hurts.
886
00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:57,162
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!
887
00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:58,663
So how do we do this?
888
00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:01,541
There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.
889
00:41:01,709 --> 00:41:04,544
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
- We could.
890
00:41:04,712 --> 00:41:08,882
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say
that was an epic match.
891
00:41:09,091 --> 00:41:10,758
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.
892
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:12,510
I'm sorry I was such a dick...
893
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:15,096
...to you guys.
I thought you were old assholes.
894
00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:16,931
But real talk...
895
00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,601
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.
896
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:22,437
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.
897
00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:25,899
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.
898
00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:29,986
Come on, man, it's Christmas.
899
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:31,571
Thanks, kid.
900
00:41:31,780 --> 00:41:33,198
- All right.
- Cheers.
901
00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:34,866
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
902
00:41:35,576 --> 00:41:37,911
Mm. It's good.
903
00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:41,873
Why don't you guys just sit down and
I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.
904
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:43,291
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
905
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:44,501
Appreciate it.
906
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:48,421
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!
907
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:49,756
Have you kids...
908
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:52,592
... never seen VH1's Behind the Music?
909
00:41:53,010 --> 00:41:53,927
Do you not know...
910
00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:58,139
...what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?
911
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:10,777
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen
912
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,487
With a brand-new swag
913
00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:14,239
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?
914
00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:17,283
Yeah, I do, actually.
My face is feeling kind of numb.
915
00:42:17,451 --> 00:42:18,493
Oh, fuck.
916
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:20,161
The kids put something in here.
917
00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:21,913
Was it drugs? Was it semen?
918
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,251
It doesn't taste like semen.
919
00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:28,753
Uh! You fucking...
920
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:30,755
...loser!
- Give me another chance!
921
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,340
I'm begging you!
922
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,592
I'm really, really, really sorry!
923
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:39,013
That we had sex too well too often.
924
00:42:39,181 --> 00:42:41,349
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.
925
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:42,475
Somebody is gonna...
926
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:45,061
...fuck me tonight! You!
927
00:42:46,438 --> 00:42:48,314
Oh, no. Ha. Married.
928
00:42:48,482 --> 00:42:49,857
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.
929
00:42:50,067 --> 00:42:51,150
I don't date black guys.
930
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:52,694
- What? Whoa!
- Unh!
931
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:54,821
- What are you doing?
- Getting you ready.
932
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:56,698
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!
933
00:42:56,865 --> 00:42:58,283
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...
934
00:42:58,450 --> 00:43:01,160
...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.
935
00:43:09,169 --> 00:43:10,378
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
936
00:43:10,713 --> 00:43:12,005
Who the fuck are you?
937
00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:19,887
Stop resisting.
938
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:21,347
Push harder, dude!
939
00:43:21,515 --> 00:43:22,515
I am doing it!
940
00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:23,558
I can't get her...
941
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:25,852
- ...off!
- Oh, God!
942
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:29,188
Mariana?
943
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:31,983
Daddy.
944
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,319
Daddy.
945
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:37,864
That's Sergei...
946
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:39,198
...Katsov.
947
00:43:39,366 --> 00:43:40,199
I know, dude.
948
00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:41,534
Start talking.
949
00:43:41,702 --> 00:43:43,119
- Start talking.
- Okay.
950
00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:45,872
She...
951
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:47,248
Start talking! Now!
952
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:51,252
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
It's very nice to meet you.
953
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,755
Um, I know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...
954
00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:56,924
...but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.
955
00:43:57,134 --> 00:43:58,092
She's the raper.
956
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:00,094
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.
957
00:44:00,262 --> 00:44:02,722
These men came in here,
I didn't know who they were.
958
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,349
I think that they got me drunk.
959
00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:06,267
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.
960
00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:07,852
You got my daughter drunk?
961
00:44:08,020 --> 00:44:10,271
Sir, if I may. This is all a big...
962
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:12,106
Let me pull my pants up.
963
00:44:12,274 --> 00:44:13,858
It's all a big misunderstanding.
964
00:44:14,860 --> 00:44:16,152
Your children threw the party.
965
00:44:17,529 --> 00:44:21,449
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.
966
00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:23,701
Okay, listen up!
967
00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:24,744
Party's over!
968
00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:25,745
My baby...
969
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:29,082
- ...is fucked on cocaine!
- I've heard enough.
970
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:30,249
Gustav.
971
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:33,044
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!
972
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:35,296
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?
973
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:38,091
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.
974
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:39,634
Why can't he say both of us?
975
00:44:39,802 --> 00:44:41,177
Both of you...
976
00:44:41,970 --> 00:44:43,805
...kill them. Kill them all!
977
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:47,141
- Aah!
- Go!
978
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:47,975
Now!
979
00:44:48,811 --> 00:44:50,144
Unh, ah! Ava!
980
00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:52,105
Come with me if you wanna live!
981
00:44:52,272 --> 00:44:53,439
What? No, no!
982
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:54,190
No, no, no!
983
00:45:30,644 --> 00:45:32,353
Aah. Where's my baby?
984
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:33,604
- Ava! Ava!
- Shh!
985
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:36,023
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?
986
00:45:39,611 --> 00:45:41,863
Your coke baby has superpowers.
987
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:47,160
- That was close.
- I know, right?
988
00:45:48,245 --> 00:45:50,246
Were you starting to trip out a little bit?
989
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:54,625
Because I think I was starting
to trip out back there a little bit.
990
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:58,171
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there
was something in the eggnog.
991
00:45:58,338 --> 00:45:59,756
It's pretty fucking sweet.
992
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:00,798
Don't worry.
993
00:46:00,966 --> 00:46:02,759
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.
994
00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:06,888
Or maybe not?
995
00:46:07,055 --> 00:46:09,390
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!
996
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:11,058
Ha-ha-ha. So are you!
997
00:46:11,268 --> 00:46:12,310
So is he.
998
00:46:12,561 --> 00:46:14,020
What's up, blood?
999
00:46:16,398 --> 00:46:18,191
Dude, everything's Claymated!
1000
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:19,400
Fuck you!
1001
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:20,735
This is great!
1002
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:23,905
No, it's not! How am I supposed
to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.
1003
00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:25,490
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.
1004
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:26,491
What the hell...?
1005
00:46:27,034 --> 00:46:27,784
Yah!
1006
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:29,827
- Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.
1007
00:46:31,497 --> 00:46:33,372
Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.
1008
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:38,002
What the fuck?
1009
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:40,797
Die, motherfucker!
1010
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:57,230
Prepare for the winter
of your discontent!
1011
00:46:57,439 --> 00:46:59,190
- Whoa!
- Shit!
1012
00:46:59,358 --> 00:47:00,399
Fuck!
1013
00:47:06,198 --> 00:47:07,281
My God. We're gonna die.
1014
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:10,493
No way, dude. Nobody dies
while Claymated. It's a fact.
1015
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:12,703
Dude, look out!
1016
00:47:15,916 --> 00:47:17,875
Oh, nobody dies while Claymated.
1017
00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:20,878
- I heard it's a fact.
- Okay, fine. Theory debunked.
1018
00:47:23,006 --> 00:47:24,882
Let's get out of here.
1019
00:47:27,594 --> 00:47:31,764
What's the matter?
Afraid you'll catch a cold?
1020
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:39,772
If this guy makes one more lame pun,
I'm gonna kill myself.
1021
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:43,109
Oh, my clay back!
1022
00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:52,785
Every time
I hang out with you, it's a disaster.
1023
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:56,289
Wait. I just realized
I can probably make my balls bigger too...
1024
00:47:56,456 --> 00:47:59,166
- ...since I'm Claymated.
- You're such a fucking asshole.
1025
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:07,967
- Look, Union Square.
- Let's hide in that tree.
1026
00:48:15,475 --> 00:48:17,810
This is a really...
This is a really beautiful tree.
1027
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:18,769
Dude, come on!
1028
00:48:25,152 --> 00:48:25,902
Aw...
1029
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:27,320
Aw...
1030
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:30,031
Hey, little guy.
1031
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:31,032
You hungry?
1032
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:32,700
Mmm.
1033
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:48,674
Ice to see you.
1034
00:48:48,842 --> 00:48:50,843
All right, that is it. Hey, snowman!
1035
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:55,431
Get yourself some mints
because your breath is abominable.
1036
00:48:57,517 --> 00:48:58,851
Ha-ha-ha. Not bad, Roldy.
1037
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,024
Fuck me!
1038
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:14,116
Dead squirrel.
1039
00:49:23,502 --> 00:49:25,086
- It's coming!
- Wake up! Wake up!
1040
00:49:25,253 --> 00:49:27,296
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- What?
1041
00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:29,966
I told you not to aim for the face.
1042
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,550
- Roldy!
- Kumar!
1043
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:34,053
- What the hell's the matter?
- What are you doing?
1044
00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:36,055
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?
1045
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:39,892
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...
1046
00:49:40,060 --> 00:49:41,894
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.
1047
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,729
You are gonna catch your death...
1048
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:46,065
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.
1049
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:48,067
Is there somewhere we can eat?
1050
00:49:57,577 --> 00:49:59,870
This is why I tell you not
to have people over.
1051
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:04,834
Every single other person
got out of here except for us.
1052
00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:07,086
- I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.
1053
00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:09,547
You said, "Come with me
if you want to live."
1054
00:50:13,593 --> 00:50:15,720
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
- It's fine.
1055
00:50:15,887 --> 00:50:18,264
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.
1056
00:50:18,765 --> 00:50:20,349
I'm on cocaine.
1057
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:22,768
I'm addicted to cocaine.
1058
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:27,273
Yo! Idiots!
1059
00:50:28,608 --> 00:50:29,775
I want you to find...
1060
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,278
...the men who violated...
1061
00:50:32,446 --> 00:50:33,779
...my daughter...
1062
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:36,282
...and I want you to fucking kill them!
1063
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,286
- Still hits the spot.
- I know, right?
1064
00:50:40,495 --> 00:50:43,789
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.
1065
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:45,624
So me and him, we're not gonna...
1066
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:47,460
...be able to make your party.
1067
00:50:47,627 --> 00:50:49,378
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's okay.
1068
00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:51,797
There's not really a...
We should get going.
1069
00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:53,299
We got a Christmas tree emergency.
1070
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:56,802
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.
1071
00:50:57,012 --> 00:50:57,970
For us Christians...
1072
00:50:58,138 --> 00:51:00,806
...the tree is a very important
part of our holiday.
1073
00:51:01,016 --> 00:51:02,933
Okay, don't start with this. All right?
1074
00:51:03,101 --> 00:51:08,022
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!
1075
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:11,484
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!
1076
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:15,196
First of all, don't ever take
the Lord's name in vain, not after...
1077
00:51:15,363 --> 00:51:18,157
...how your people crucified my man.
Secondly...
1078
00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:19,658
...I was baptized, bitch!
1079
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:21,494
The second the priest...
1080
00:51:21,661 --> 00:51:23,370
...poured that holy water over me...
1081
00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:26,499
...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.
1082
00:51:26,666 --> 00:51:28,834
Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.
1083
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:30,252
Dude, it's the balls.
1084
00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:32,046
These dirty Jew bastards have...
1085
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,756
...no idea what they're missing.
1086
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:37,009
Christmas! Easter! Fishing! Hunting!
I tie knots on a sailboat.
1087
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:39,887
I can get heartburn
without thinking I'm having a stroke.
1088
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:42,932
I'm loving me some Applebee's.
I made terrible investments...
1089
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:44,558
...doesn't bother me a bit.
1090
00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:47,686
Miraculously, my mother
is no longer a total bitch.
1091
00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:50,022
- Isn't that right? Is Grandma a bitch?
- No.
1092
00:51:50,190 --> 00:51:50,773
No.
1093
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:52,900
And guess what. Next week...
1094
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:55,528
...I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.
1095
00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:58,322
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.
1096
00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:02,243
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.
1097
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:03,911
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!
1098
00:52:07,332 --> 00:52:09,542
It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?
1099
00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:11,252
Great to see you guys.
1100
00:52:11,419 --> 00:52:13,087
- See you, guys.
- No, wait.
1101
00:52:13,421 --> 00:52:14,380
Excuse me!
1102
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,758
You still owe me 87 cents
for that jalapeno cheeseburger!
1103
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:21,720
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, now did it?
1104
00:52:23,431 --> 00:52:24,932
God, that tree is perfect.
1105
00:52:25,100 --> 00:52:26,225
Let's go check it out.
1106
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:27,601
Tickets, please.
1107
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:29,395
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.
1108
00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:30,729
They sold out months ago.
1109
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:33,315
- But...
- Step aside, please.
1110
00:52:33,942 --> 00:52:35,609
I said step aside.
1111
00:52:38,113 --> 00:52:39,446
Shit.
1112
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:43,534
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. I give up.
1113
00:52:43,702 --> 00:52:44,827
You can't give up yet.
1114
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:46,787
Look...
1115
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:49,582
...I have an idea on how we might
get that tree out.
1116
00:52:49,916 --> 00:52:51,417
- What?
- It's not gonna be easy.
1117
00:52:51,585 --> 00:52:53,544
But this may be
the last chance we've got.
1118
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:55,629
Here's what we do.
1119
00:52:57,257 --> 00:52:59,091
First, we need to steal some tickets.
1120
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:01,844
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.
1121
00:53:03,889 --> 00:53:05,598
I head down
to the nuns' shower room.
1122
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:09,977
I didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.
1123
00:53:10,145 --> 00:53:12,062
How do you think they stay so clean?
1124
00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:17,234
While the nuns are lezzing it out,
I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.
1125
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:18,819
What back room?
1126
00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:22,323
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?
1127
00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:23,490
- No.
- Okay, good.
1128
00:53:23,658 --> 00:53:25,492
You're in charge of distracting them.
1129
00:53:25,660 --> 00:53:26,827
How the hell do I do that?
1130
00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:29,163
That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.
1131
00:53:29,372 --> 00:53:33,876
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.
1132
00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:38,339
Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.
1133
00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:40,007
I guard while you kill the power.
1134
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:42,343
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...
1135
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,470
... you and I will get the tree.
1136
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:47,431
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...
1137
00:53:47,599 --> 00:53:49,475
... and sees this beautiful tree...
1138
00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:51,894
... in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.
1139
00:53:53,438 --> 00:53:54,438
What do you think?
1140
00:53:55,982 --> 00:53:56,690
Uncle Harold.
1141
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,652
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.
1142
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:01,946
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?
1143
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:07,785
Baby?
1144
00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:09,703
Oh, sorry, sir.
1145
00:54:10,205 --> 00:54:10,996
It's okay, baby.
1146
00:54:11,164 --> 00:54:13,707
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.
1147
00:54:15,543 --> 00:54:19,838
- Fuck! Midnight Mass.
- Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!
1148
00:54:20,006 --> 00:54:21,215
Running out of time.
1149
00:54:21,424 --> 00:54:23,717
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?
1150
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:26,178
Hold on. What the hell's going on?
1151
00:54:26,346 --> 00:54:29,306
He almost spotted us!
I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.
1152
00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:31,725
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?
1153
00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:34,061
Because it is a big deal.
1154
00:54:34,229 --> 00:54:36,730
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?
1155
00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:40,943
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.
1156
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:44,446
No, dude, I don't understand.
1157
00:54:45,031 --> 00:54:48,075
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.
1158
00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:50,411
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?
1159
00:54:50,578 --> 00:54:52,204
- Well...
- lf I were you...
1160
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:54,456
...l'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.
1161
00:54:56,167 --> 00:54:57,543
You should not go through...
1162
00:54:57,711 --> 00:54:59,461
...all this just to make him happy.
1163
00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:01,755
You're right, I don't have to.
1164
00:55:02,465 --> 00:55:03,757
I want to.
1165
00:55:04,467 --> 00:55:08,220
I want him to be happy
because I want Maria to be happy.
1166
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:11,265
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.
1167
00:55:11,975 --> 00:55:12,725
Don't you get it?
1168
00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:15,227
I don't have to be doing this.
1169
00:55:15,770 --> 00:55:17,479
I wanna be doing this.
1170
00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:20,274
What the fuck?
1171
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:23,277
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!
1172
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:28,574
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!
1173
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:29,783
You have the wrong people.
1174
00:55:29,993 --> 00:55:30,951
Wardrobe!
1175
00:55:31,119 --> 00:55:33,746
Go! Come on, come on, come on!
Shut up!
1176
00:55:35,498 --> 00:55:38,375
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.
1177
00:55:38,543 --> 00:55:39,793
Go! Move!
1178
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:41,253
Fucking actors.
1179
00:55:41,421 --> 00:55:44,089
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
1180
00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:45,966
... without further ado...
1181
00:55:46,134 --> 00:55:47,760
...the man...
- Look at these firs.
1182
00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:49,470
... you've all been waiting for:
1183
00:55:49,637 --> 00:55:50,971
America's sweetheart!
1184
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:51,972
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
1185
00:55:52,140 --> 00:55:53,140
Holy shit. Neil.
1186
00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:55,934
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
1187
00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:57,227
Dance.
1188
00:55:57,395 --> 00:55:58,228
What?
1189
00:55:58,438 --> 00:55:59,980
Blend. Blend. Blend.
1190
00:56:00,148 --> 00:56:01,065
Harold. Wait!
1191
00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:03,817
Don we now our gay apparel
1192
00:56:04,027 --> 00:56:06,653
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
1193
00:56:06,821 --> 00:56:08,989
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
1194
00:56:09,157 --> 00:56:10,741
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la
1195
00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:12,951
La-la!
1196
00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:20,501
You better watch out
You better not cry
1197
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:23,087
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why
1198
00:56:23,254 --> 00:56:25,464
Santa Claus is comin'
1199
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:27,257
To town
1200
00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:30,511
He sees you when you're sleeping
1201
00:56:30,678 --> 00:56:31,845
He knows when you're awake
1202
00:56:34,557 --> 00:56:35,599
Oh, my God!
1203
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:37,935
So be good for goodness' sake
1204
00:56:44,109 --> 00:56:47,319
Santa Claus is comin' to town
1205
00:56:53,201 --> 00:56:55,661
I played my drum for him
1206
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,579
Pa rum pum pum pum
1207
00:56:59,874 --> 00:57:01,500
Then he
1208
00:57:01,668 --> 00:57:02,960
Smiled at me
1209
00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,170
Pa rum pum pum pum
1210
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:07,881
Me and my drum
1211
00:57:16,808 --> 00:57:19,393
We wish you a merry Christmas
1212
00:57:19,602 --> 00:57:22,020
We wish you a merry Christmas
1213
00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:24,231
We wish you a merry Christmas
1214
00:57:24,399 --> 00:57:26,692
And a happy New Year
1215
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:29,236
We wish you a merry Christmas
1216
00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:31,488
We wish you a merry Christmas
1217
00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,740
We wish you a merry Christmas
1218
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:36,660
And a happy
1219
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:41,915
New Year
1220
00:57:47,630 --> 00:57:49,256
Merry Christmas, everyone!
1221
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:53,719
All right, that's a cut. Great job.
1222
00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:56,013
Great job.
I've just got a few notes, okay?
1223
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:58,265
Just gonna come on the stage.
1224
00:57:58,433 --> 00:57:59,641
Oh, God.
1225
00:58:00,226 --> 00:58:01,560
Fucking tight jeans.
1226
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:08,108
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.
1227
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:10,068
You're a dream. I'm having...
1228
00:58:10,236 --> 00:58:13,739
...a fabulous, amazing dream
watching you perform.
1229
00:58:13,990 --> 00:58:16,158
But unfortunately...
1230
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:19,411
...these talentless fuck butt-crackers...
1231
00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:21,622
...are ruining everything! You!
1232
00:58:21,789 --> 00:58:24,833
Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.
1233
00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:26,627
Where'd you learn to dance, honey?
1234
00:58:26,794 --> 00:58:29,421
A fucking mini-mall in Des Moines?
1235
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:30,839
This is...
1236
00:58:31,382 --> 00:58:33,258
...the big time!
1237
00:58:33,426 --> 00:58:36,595
I will punch you in your face!
1238
00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:37,930
I can run it again.
1239
00:58:38,097 --> 00:58:39,890
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
1240
00:58:40,058 --> 00:58:42,309
Go and get some rest, huh?
Make yourself fresh...
1241
00:58:42,477 --> 00:58:44,186
...all right? Heh. And just remember...
1242
00:58:44,395 --> 00:58:47,356
...you're a dream, and I'm having
a big wet dream about you.
1243
00:58:47,607 --> 00:58:48,857
Okay? Ha, ha.
1244
00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:51,109
Take fucking five!
1245
00:58:52,445 --> 00:58:53,654
Damn it!
1246
00:58:58,284 --> 00:58:59,535
Hey, Gracie, chin up.
1247
00:58:59,702 --> 00:59:01,703
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...
1248
00:59:01,871 --> 00:59:03,789
- ...one-on-one rehearsing later?
- Wait.
1249
00:59:04,707 --> 00:59:05,707
You know my name?
1250
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:09,962
Of course. You're doing great.
I thought we could work on a thing or two.
1251
00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:12,965
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!
1252
00:59:13,174 --> 00:59:15,801
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1253
00:59:15,969 --> 00:59:18,720
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.
1254
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:23,475
You really think Neil can
get us one of those trees?
1255
00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:26,144
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.
1256
00:59:26,312 --> 00:59:27,688
No shit.
1257
00:59:28,314 --> 00:59:29,773
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.
1258
00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:33,151
Hollywood Hearsay.
Is it true that you're replacing Regis?
1259
00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:34,486
lt'll be tough between...
1260
00:59:34,696 --> 00:59:37,322
... How I Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.
1261
00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:40,492
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.
1262
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,745
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?
1263
00:59:43,913 --> 00:59:46,331
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.
1264
00:59:47,834 --> 00:59:49,334
So hot, NPH.
1265
00:59:49,502 --> 00:59:52,170
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?
1266
00:59:52,338 --> 00:59:54,006
Thank you. I love you guys.
1267
00:59:55,341 --> 00:59:57,175
Ugh. What did I tell you
about using tongue?
1268
00:59:57,343 --> 00:59:59,177
You wanted it to look realistic.
1269
00:59:59,345 --> 01:00:02,097
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.
1270
01:00:02,265 --> 01:00:05,183
The only reason I put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.
1271
01:00:05,351 --> 01:00:06,685
Fuck this! I got a wife...
1272
01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:08,478
...and kid. I'm out of here.
1273
01:00:08,646 --> 01:00:09,688
Wait, man.
1274
01:00:09,856 --> 01:00:10,939
What about the stuff?
1275
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:12,524
- What stuff?
- The stuff.
1276
01:00:12,734 --> 01:00:13,859
Give me the stuff.
1277
01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:15,360
This stuff?
1278
01:00:16,696 --> 01:00:17,529
Oh, yeah.
1279
01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:19,197
You'd like this bag of crack.
1280
01:00:19,365 --> 01:00:20,198
Wouldn't you?
1281
01:00:20,366 --> 01:00:23,035
Well, maybe I should give it
to someone else.
1282
01:00:23,202 --> 01:00:25,203
You know I got Fred Savage
on speed dial.
1283
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:27,539
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!
1284
01:00:27,707 --> 01:00:31,543
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.
1285
01:00:31,753 --> 01:00:33,879
- Put money in my account.
- You got it. Done.
1286
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:36,882
- And sing at my niece's quinceanera.
- All right, I'll sing.
1287
01:00:37,050 --> 01:00:38,884
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.
1288
01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:40,052
- Fine.
- No! All right!
1289
01:00:40,261 --> 01:00:41,053
I won't fuck her!
1290
01:00:41,220 --> 01:00:42,971
Just let me have the rock.
1291
01:00:43,139 --> 01:00:44,056
Excuse me, Neil?
1292
01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:45,349
Oh. Oh, this is...
1293
01:00:45,516 --> 01:00:46,725
I can come back later.
1294
01:00:46,893 --> 01:00:50,145
- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just... Hi.
1295
01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:52,064
Bye-bye, sweet pea.
1296
01:00:52,231 --> 01:00:54,149
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
- Always.
1297
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:55,567
You guys are too cute.
1298
01:00:55,777 --> 01:00:56,401
Fuck you.
1299
01:00:56,569 --> 01:00:57,235
I do love...
1300
01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,029
...that handsome man.
1301
01:00:59,405 --> 01:01:00,822
Thank you so much for this...
1302
01:01:00,990 --> 01:01:02,741
...opportunity to work with you.
1303
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:03,909
Sure. Come on in.
1304
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:05,577
What would you like to rehearse?
1305
01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:07,871
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.
1306
01:01:08,039 --> 01:01:10,582
You seemed tense.
I thought we could loosen you up.
1307
01:01:10,792 --> 01:01:11,917
Take your sweater off.
1308
01:01:13,419 --> 01:01:14,086
Oh, no, no.
1309
01:01:14,295 --> 01:01:15,504
For a massage. Heh.
1310
01:01:15,713 --> 01:01:18,090
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.
1311
01:01:18,716 --> 01:01:21,426
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, so...
1312
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:23,762
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a couple girlfriends.
1313
01:01:25,431 --> 01:01:26,807
Now take it off.
1314
01:01:27,350 --> 01:01:28,433
Okay.
1315
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:34,106
Why don't you lay on the bed?
1316
01:01:44,283 --> 01:01:45,450
- Ow.
- Sorry.
1317
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:50,956
Feels good.
1318
01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,791
Yeah, it does feel good.
1319
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:55,043
I can't... I can't...
1320
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:57,879
- Can I take this bra off?
- Um...
1321
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:00,465
- It's okay. Girlfriends.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1322
01:02:01,134 --> 01:02:02,634
That's better.
1323
01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:04,302
Should we do something?
1324
01:02:04,470 --> 01:02:07,139
I don't know, I kind of wanna see
what happens next.
1325
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:08,640
Feels good.
1326
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:09,975
Oh, it's so hard.
1327
01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:12,477
This knot on your back is so hard.
1328
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:14,312
Look, don't be alarmed...
1329
01:02:15,481 --> 01:02:19,568
...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...
1330
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:21,319
...35 seconds.
1331
01:02:21,487 --> 01:02:22,320
Excuse me?
1332
01:02:22,488 --> 01:02:23,739
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?
1333
01:02:23,906 --> 01:02:24,990
Shut the fuck up!
1334
01:02:25,158 --> 01:02:26,324
Get the fuck off of me!
1335
01:02:26,492 --> 01:02:28,326
You like it rough? I can play that way.
1336
01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:30,162
God! I thought you were gay!
1337
01:02:30,371 --> 01:02:31,830
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.
1338
01:02:31,998 --> 01:02:32,998
Oh!
1339
01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:35,250
I don't know what sick game
you're playing...
1340
01:02:35,418 --> 01:02:37,669
...but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!
1341
01:02:43,384 --> 01:02:45,260
Morty, Kumar, long time.
1342
01:02:47,346 --> 01:02:49,431
It's Harold, actually.
1343
01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:51,099
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.
1344
01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:52,517
Come on, have a seat.
1345
01:02:52,685 --> 01:02:56,188
How long has it been?
You two look great. Have you lost weight?
1346
01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:58,023
Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.
1347
01:02:58,191 --> 01:03:00,192
Well, thanks. Listen, um...
1348
01:03:00,693 --> 01:03:03,528
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
1349
01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:05,405
Shut up!
1350
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:06,531
God, I hate this...
1351
01:03:06,699 --> 01:03:08,700
...fucking PancakeBot thing.
1352
01:03:08,910 --> 01:03:10,368
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.
1353
01:03:10,536 --> 01:03:11,661
They're awesome.
1354
01:03:11,829 --> 01:03:12,454
WaffleThing.
1355
01:03:12,622 --> 01:03:13,705
Get the fuck...
1356
01:03:13,915 --> 01:03:15,207
...out of my life!
1357
01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:17,542
Ouch.
1358
01:03:19,128 --> 01:03:20,045
Anyway...
1359
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:22,714
...what can I do for you,
my burglars of turd?
1360
01:03:22,924 --> 01:03:25,050
Time-the-fuck-out.
How are you still alive?
1361
01:03:25,218 --> 01:03:26,426
Yeah, how the fuck?
1362
01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:28,136
What are you talking about?
1363
01:03:28,304 --> 01:03:29,471
We saw you get shot.
1364
01:03:30,223 --> 01:03:31,723
You have to be more specific.
1365
01:03:31,933 --> 01:03:32,808
In that whorehouse.
1366
01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:33,558
In Texas.
1367
01:03:33,726 --> 01:03:35,143
You branded a prostitute.
1368
01:03:35,311 --> 01:03:35,894
Remember?
1369
01:03:36,229 --> 01:03:37,896
Oh, yeah!
1370
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:40,232
Now I remember.
1371
01:03:40,566 --> 01:03:41,733
It hurt like hell...
1372
01:03:41,901 --> 01:03:42,734
... at first.
1373
01:03:42,902 --> 01:03:43,652
And then...
1374
01:03:45,863 --> 01:03:47,405
... everything faded away.
1375
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:49,241
And I went to heaven.
1376
01:03:51,077 --> 01:03:52,077
It was exactly...
1377
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:53,245
... like I imagined it.
1378
01:03:55,248 --> 01:03:56,414
Saint Peter was there...
1379
01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:57,582
... to meet me.
1380
01:03:57,750 --> 01:03:59,251
Whoa. No way!
1381
01:03:59,460 --> 01:04:00,961
- NPH?
- Yup.
1382
01:04:01,587 --> 01:04:04,256
Make room! Make room! VIP!
1383
01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:09,094
- The chicks were hot.
- The music was sick.
1384
01:04:09,262 --> 01:04:10,762
There were lasers.
1385
01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,681
It was like being famous...
1386
01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:14,140
... in the early '90s.
1387
01:04:14,308 --> 01:04:14,975
Yeah.
1388
01:04:15,142 --> 01:04:16,017
There he is. NPH.
1389
01:04:16,352 --> 01:04:19,020
- Where the hell am I?
- More like where the heaven are you?
1390
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:20,939
- What can we get for you?
- Whiskey.
1391
01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:23,191
Straight up.
And a glass of rocks on the side.
1392
01:04:24,235 --> 01:04:25,110
Thanks.
1393
01:04:25,278 --> 01:04:29,698
Hey, hey, look at that.
NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.
1394
01:04:29,866 --> 01:04:31,616
Would you guys be excited to meet him?
1395
01:04:31,784 --> 01:04:33,910
Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.
1396
01:04:34,287 --> 01:04:36,955
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.
1397
01:04:37,456 --> 01:04:38,081
Welcome to...
1398
01:04:38,249 --> 01:04:40,792
...heaven. Good to have you on board, NPH.
- Hi.
1399
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,043
Or you prefer Neil?
1400
01:04:42,211 --> 01:04:44,212
Uh, either way, it doesn't matter.
Hey, ladies.
1401
01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:47,799
Neil Patrick Harris.
I played Private Carl Jenkins...
1402
01:04:47,967 --> 01:04:50,135
... in Starship Troopers.
1403
01:04:50,344 --> 01:04:54,389
Excuse me, uh, Neil.
But I'm Jesus. So...
1404
01:04:54,974 --> 01:04:55,974
Jesus...?
1405
01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:58,560
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.
1406
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,646
Thanks. Couldn't do it
without the little people.
1407
01:05:02,732 --> 01:05:03,732
Er... No.
1408
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:06,026
So, ladies, have you ever heard
of something...
1409
01:05:06,193 --> 01:05:08,695
- ...called the Kama Sutra?
- Come on, Neil.
1410
01:05:08,863 --> 01:05:10,071
Don't play me like that.
1411
01:05:10,239 --> 01:05:11,656
I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.
1412
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:13,783
- I practically run this place.
- Oh. For reals?
1413
01:05:13,951 --> 01:05:14,910
Yeah, yeah, for real.
1414
01:05:15,077 --> 01:05:17,495
- I mean, my dad owns it but...
- Ha, ha. You're one of those.
1415
01:05:20,124 --> 01:05:21,958
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.
1416
01:05:22,501 --> 01:05:24,419
- Shots.
- Yeah, thanks. Couple of shots.
1417
01:05:24,587 --> 01:05:26,713
- That went bad.
- I thought it went good.
1418
01:05:26,881 --> 01:05:27,547
So, girls...
1419
01:05:30,468 --> 01:05:32,218
Aw, come on.
1420
01:05:32,386 --> 01:05:33,678
How did that happen already?
1421
01:05:36,307 --> 01:05:37,515
Give me the phone to Dad.
1422
01:05:38,851 --> 01:05:40,518
- This is God.
- Daddy?
1423
01:05:40,686 --> 01:05:42,395
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.
1424
01:05:42,563 --> 01:05:44,314
He's getting a handjob in my club.
1425
01:05:46,776 --> 01:05:49,444
Jesus, what a cockblock.
1426
01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:51,780
Doesn't explain the gay thing.
1427
01:05:51,948 --> 01:05:53,281
You're not gay, motherfucker.
1428
01:05:53,449 --> 01:05:54,157
At all.
1429
01:05:56,202 --> 01:05:58,995
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."
1430
01:05:59,205 --> 01:06:00,372
Little trick I learned...
1431
01:06:00,539 --> 01:06:01,539
- ...from Clay Aiken.
- What?
1432
01:06:01,707 --> 01:06:03,124
Clay Aiken's not gay?
1433
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:07,212
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.
That guy gets mad gash.
1434
01:06:07,380 --> 01:06:08,296
Neil, listen.
1435
01:06:08,464 --> 01:06:10,215
I was wondering if...
1436
01:06:10,383 --> 01:06:12,467
I can get you one of those
Christmas trees?
1437
01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:13,677
Sure, no problem.
1438
01:06:13,844 --> 01:06:14,844
How'd you know that?
1439
01:06:15,221 --> 01:06:16,972
I can read your mind.
1440
01:06:18,724 --> 01:06:19,724
All right.
1441
01:06:19,892 --> 01:06:21,017
You might be able to...?
1442
01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:24,354
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.
1443
01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:25,897
I hate that android fuck.
1444
01:06:26,107 --> 01:06:28,900
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?
1445
01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:31,236
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?
1446
01:06:31,404 --> 01:06:33,196
I hate pancakes.
1447
01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:34,239
I know, so do I.
1448
01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:36,116
Kumar.
1449
01:06:37,493 --> 01:06:38,326
Thanks, Neil.
1450
01:06:38,494 --> 01:06:39,536
- Thanks.
- No problem.
1451
01:06:39,745 --> 01:06:42,539
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.
1452
01:06:44,125 --> 01:06:47,460
God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.
1453
01:06:47,628 --> 01:06:49,879
- We saved Christmas, man.
- Mission accomplished.
1454
01:06:50,047 --> 01:06:52,140
All right, put down the tree.
Put it down.
1455
01:06:52,550 --> 01:06:54,134
- All right.
- Waffle break?
1456
01:06:54,343 --> 01:06:56,219
All right. Oh, God.
1457
01:06:56,387 --> 01:06:58,054
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.
1458
01:06:58,264 --> 01:06:59,347
Dude, seriously...
1459
01:06:59,515 --> 01:07:01,266
...these are incredible waffles.
1460
01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:04,060
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.
1461
01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,396
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.
1462
01:07:06,564 --> 01:07:08,148
I love you...
1463
01:07:08,315 --> 01:07:09,983
...Kumar.
- Ha, ha.
1464
01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,526
I love you too, little guy.
1465
01:07:12,028 --> 01:07:12,736
What the fuck?
1466
01:07:12,903 --> 01:07:14,446
That is the weirdest fucking toy.
1467
01:07:15,072 --> 01:07:15,905
You're happy.
1468
01:07:16,073 --> 01:07:18,533
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:
1469
01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:20,618
I'm more fun to hang out with than Todd.
1470
01:07:20,786 --> 01:07:23,413
Todd and Ava.
I totally forgot about them.
1471
01:07:23,914 --> 01:07:25,248
I'm sure they're fine, right?
1472
01:07:25,416 --> 01:07:26,708
It's going to voicemail.
1473
01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:28,668
I think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.
1474
01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:30,962
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.
1475
01:07:31,172 --> 01:07:33,923
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?
1476
01:07:36,802 --> 01:07:38,553
Look at me, look at me!
1477
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:40,430
Why wasn't you at school today?
1478
01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:41,806
I went to the park.
1479
01:07:41,974 --> 01:07:43,058
She lying.
1480
01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,685
- What was you doing?
- You supposed to be at school.
1481
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:49,105
Little girl, I'm not gonna
ask you no more.
1482
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:53,276
I'm not smart like the other kids.
I can't do that stuff.
1483
01:07:53,444 --> 01:07:54,986
Who told you that?
1484
01:07:55,196 --> 01:07:57,280
My last foster mother.
1485
01:07:57,448 --> 01:08:01,409
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
1486
01:08:01,577 --> 01:08:04,496
The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...
1487
01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:08,958
... is to prove them wrong. I went to
that school and I got your homework.
1488
01:08:09,126 --> 01:08:12,045
Are you fucking kidding me?
1489
01:08:13,130 --> 01:08:13,880
- Oh.
- Oh.
1490
01:08:14,423 --> 01:08:15,965
Maybe that's Todd.
1491
01:08:16,258 --> 01:08:17,967
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?
1492
01:08:18,135 --> 01:08:19,761
Oh, that's because Maria is...
1493
01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:21,137
- Hello?
- Kumar?
1494
01:08:21,347 --> 01:08:22,430
- Is that you?
- Yeah.
1495
01:08:22,598 --> 01:08:24,140
Why are you calling Harold?
1496
01:08:25,142 --> 01:08:26,518
Can I just speak to him, please?
1497
01:08:26,685 --> 01:08:28,103
What? No.
1498
01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:29,479
I've been texting you.
1499
01:08:29,647 --> 01:08:31,397
I haven't heard back.
What's going on?
1500
01:08:31,565 --> 01:08:32,732
Tell him I'm not gonna...
1501
01:08:32,900 --> 01:08:34,484
... make it to his party tomorrow.
1502
01:08:34,652 --> 01:08:37,403
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it...
1503
01:08:37,571 --> 01:08:39,531
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.
1504
01:08:39,698 --> 01:08:41,950
What else have you been
doing behind my back?
1505
01:08:42,118 --> 01:08:44,244
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?
1506
01:08:44,411 --> 01:08:46,996
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.
1507
01:08:47,164 --> 01:08:48,957
No, don't hang up the phone on me.
1508
01:08:49,375 --> 01:08:50,500
Hello?
1509
01:08:51,877 --> 01:08:53,253
Here's your phone.
1510
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:54,337
What is that?
1511
01:08:54,505 --> 01:08:57,006
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.
1512
01:08:57,174 --> 01:08:59,008
Does everybody know
about this party?
1513
01:08:59,176 --> 01:09:01,219
Listen, if you want you can come.
1514
01:09:01,387 --> 01:09:03,972
I don't wanna come to your
shitty-ass party, dude.
1515
01:09:04,140 --> 01:09:06,349
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.
1516
01:09:06,517 --> 01:09:08,143
Am I supposed to feel bad?
1517
01:09:08,310 --> 01:09:11,813
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.
1518
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:14,190
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...
1519
01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:16,609
...with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.
1520
01:09:16,777 --> 01:09:18,236
I don't need to be part of this.
1521
01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:19,696
I love those sconces.
1522
01:09:19,905 --> 01:09:22,365
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.
1523
01:09:22,533 --> 01:09:24,325
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.
1524
01:09:24,493 --> 01:09:25,952
- I'm out.
- Fine with me.
1525
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:26,661
Fine.
1526
01:09:26,829 --> 01:09:28,037
- Cool.
- All right.
1527
01:09:28,205 --> 01:09:30,206
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
- Oh, shit.
1528
01:09:35,921 --> 01:09:39,215
Kumar, my friend.
1529
01:09:42,178 --> 01:09:43,428
Oh, look.
1530
01:09:43,596 --> 01:09:44,470
A WaffleBot.
1531
01:09:44,638 --> 01:09:45,305
Mary would...
1532
01:09:45,472 --> 01:09:46,890
...love one of these.
- Uh-huh.
1533
01:09:47,057 --> 01:09:48,224
Grab it.
1534
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:50,059
Oh, crap.
1535
01:09:55,733 --> 01:09:56,941
Wake up!
1536
01:09:57,943 --> 01:10:00,236
Wake up! Wake up!
1537
01:10:00,946 --> 01:10:02,113
Wake up.
1538
01:10:03,824 --> 01:10:05,325
- Wake up.
- Oh.
1539
01:10:05,576 --> 01:10:07,118
Oh, shit.
1540
01:10:07,328 --> 01:10:10,079
Please, I don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.
1541
01:10:10,247 --> 01:10:12,582
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?
1542
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:14,083
That was a misunderstanding.
1543
01:10:14,251 --> 01:10:16,211
I'm freezing!
Give us back our clothes.
1544
01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:18,254
Yuri, warm them up.
1545
01:10:22,885 --> 01:10:24,969
Kumar.
1546
01:10:25,137 --> 01:10:26,262
Please don't do that.
1547
01:10:26,472 --> 01:10:29,724
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...
1548
01:10:29,892 --> 01:10:32,101
...in the world. Let's discuss.
- Come on, man!
1549
01:10:32,269 --> 01:10:35,063
As they say in my country:
1550
01:10:36,482 --> 01:10:37,982
No, don't say "do svidaniya."
1551
01:10:38,150 --> 01:10:40,151
Yuri, light them up.
1552
01:10:40,319 --> 01:10:41,986
No, please don't light us up.
1553
01:10:48,577 --> 01:10:50,078
You didn't get the lighter.
1554
01:10:50,287 --> 01:10:53,706
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.
1555
01:10:53,874 --> 01:10:55,083
Nothing about lighter.
1556
01:10:55,501 --> 01:10:57,293
You stupid...
1557
01:10:57,503 --> 01:11:00,338
...fucking moron!
1558
01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:02,840
What do you think
we light the gasoline with?
1559
01:11:03,008 --> 01:11:04,092
You know what, Gustav?
1560
01:11:04,426 --> 01:11:08,346
I'm sick and tired of your fucking
passive-aggressive bullshit.
1561
01:11:08,555 --> 01:11:10,556
- You know what this is about?
- What?
1562
01:11:10,724 --> 01:11:12,058
Tell me what is it about.
1563
01:11:12,226 --> 01:11:16,187
You can't take the fact that
Sergei likes me better than you.
1564
01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:19,649
Oh, shit.
1565
01:11:30,869 --> 01:11:31,619
Hey, guys, stop!
1566
01:11:31,787 --> 01:11:34,080
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it.
1567
01:11:35,499 --> 01:11:38,793
Now, look, I understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?
1568
01:11:39,128 --> 01:11:43,089
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...
1569
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:46,843
...a different time and place, but
that doesn't change the fact that you...
1570
01:11:47,011 --> 01:11:49,846
...have a long and probably
beautiful history together.
1571
01:11:51,640 --> 01:11:55,226
Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up
every now and again.
1572
01:11:55,728 --> 01:11:56,978
Happens.
1573
01:11:57,146 --> 01:11:59,522
Maybe he fucks up all the time.
1574
01:12:00,232 --> 01:12:02,859
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.
1575
01:12:03,235 --> 01:12:04,402
Right.
1576
01:12:06,488 --> 01:12:07,655
Right.
1577
01:12:07,823 --> 01:12:12,744
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one...
1578
01:12:12,911 --> 01:12:14,787
...is trying to act like an adult...
1579
01:12:14,955 --> 01:12:17,665
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...
1580
01:12:17,833 --> 01:12:19,834
...that he's being a fucking chode.
1581
01:12:20,377 --> 01:12:23,963
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...
1582
01:12:24,131 --> 01:12:26,549
...and sconces
than a lifetime of friendship.
1583
01:12:28,761 --> 01:12:29,761
What do you say, guys?
1584
01:12:35,267 --> 01:12:36,893
- Yeah, hug it out.
- All right.
1585
01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:38,269
Hey, guys.
1586
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:40,271
How about you cut us out?
1587
01:12:40,522 --> 01:12:42,565
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.
1588
01:12:42,775 --> 01:12:44,650
- A beer sounds great.
- Awesome.
1589
01:12:46,278 --> 01:12:47,236
But first...
1590
01:12:47,404 --> 01:12:49,030
...we have some killing to do.
1591
01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:49,864
Come on!
1592
01:12:50,032 --> 01:12:51,741
After we just had that breakthrough?
1593
01:12:51,909 --> 01:12:55,286
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.
1594
01:12:57,581 --> 01:12:59,916
- Is this how we die?
- I think so, dude.
1595
01:13:01,585 --> 01:13:02,585
Bye, Kumar.
1596
01:13:03,670 --> 01:13:05,046
Bye, Harold.
1597
01:13:05,589 --> 01:13:06,714
Kumar.
1598
01:13:06,882 --> 01:13:08,091
Your waffles...
1599
01:13:08,300 --> 01:13:09,801
...are ready.
- WaffleBot?
1600
01:13:11,553 --> 01:13:13,930
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.
1601
01:13:14,306 --> 01:13:15,431
I hate...
1602
01:13:15,599 --> 01:13:17,183
... pancakes.
1603
01:13:23,315 --> 01:13:24,774
They serve pancakes...
1604
01:13:24,942 --> 01:13:26,818
... in hell.
1605
01:13:29,363 --> 01:13:29,904
Ooh!
1606
01:13:32,950 --> 01:13:34,158
Holy shit!
1607
01:13:34,326 --> 01:13:35,701
You hurt my brother!
1608
01:13:43,043 --> 01:13:43,709
Whoo!
1609
01:13:44,753 --> 01:13:46,921
- How do we get out of these ropes?
- WaffleBot.
1610
01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:48,965
Kumar.
1611
01:13:49,466 --> 01:13:51,008
Can you untie us?
1612
01:13:51,218 --> 01:13:52,260
Battery low.
1613
01:13:52,428 --> 01:13:53,886
Losing...
1614
01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,179
... power.
1615
01:13:55,347 --> 01:13:56,389
WaffleBot, look at me.
1616
01:13:56,557 --> 01:13:57,640
You can do this, man.
1617
01:14:09,570 --> 01:14:12,447
- Ha, ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.
1618
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:14,866
You're welcome, Kumar.
1619
01:14:15,033 --> 01:14:20,288
Pancakes are fucking gay.
1620
01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:25,668
Holy shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.
1621
01:14:26,128 --> 01:14:27,795
I guess. It's extraordinarily...
1622
01:14:27,963 --> 01:14:30,298
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.
1623
01:14:31,884 --> 01:14:33,426
- Listen, man, l...
- Man, this...
1624
01:14:33,594 --> 01:14:35,636
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.
1625
01:14:36,263 --> 01:14:37,889
Holy shit!
1626
01:14:38,515 --> 01:14:39,515
This is like that...
1627
01:14:39,683 --> 01:14:41,184
... scene from A Christmas Story.
1628
01:14:41,393 --> 01:14:43,519
Is it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?
1629
01:14:43,687 --> 01:14:45,021
I just saw this scene.
1630
01:14:46,148 --> 01:14:48,149
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...
1631
01:14:48,317 --> 01:14:50,860
...some sort of a warm liquid.
I'll spit on it.
1632
01:14:51,028 --> 01:14:52,737
Don't fucking spit on my dick!
1633
01:14:52,905 --> 01:14:54,155
Fine. Can you pee on it?
1634
01:14:54,406 --> 01:14:55,907
Give me a second.
1635
01:14:56,658 --> 01:14:58,534
- It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.
1636
01:14:58,702 --> 01:14:59,785
Don't pee on me!
1637
01:14:59,953 --> 01:15:01,412
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do...?
1638
01:15:01,580 --> 01:15:03,915
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.
1639
01:15:04,082 --> 01:15:05,374
Cool about the clothes.
1640
01:15:05,542 --> 01:15:07,418
My dick's stuck to a pole!
1641
01:15:09,755 --> 01:15:12,256
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.
1642
01:15:12,424 --> 01:15:14,133
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!
1643
01:15:14,301 --> 01:15:16,511
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.
1644
01:15:16,678 --> 01:15:20,389
So I'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.
1645
01:15:20,557 --> 01:15:21,974
- Get it over with!
- All right.
1646
01:15:22,184 --> 01:15:23,309
Just let me just...
1647
01:15:25,187 --> 01:15:26,062
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1648
01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:27,396
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!
1649
01:15:27,564 --> 01:15:29,065
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!
1650
01:15:29,233 --> 01:15:30,399
You asshole!
1651
01:15:30,567 --> 01:15:31,859
Just walk it off.
1652
01:15:32,027 --> 01:15:33,528
Walk it off.
1653
01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:39,492
How long are we supposed
to stay in here?
1654
01:15:39,701 --> 01:15:42,328
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...
1655
01:15:42,496 --> 01:15:43,746
...killing machine leaves.
1656
01:15:47,334 --> 01:15:49,752
They gave my daughter ecstasy.
1657
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:53,756
I don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.
1658
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:55,341
I'd say so. Shh, shh!
1659
01:15:55,717 --> 01:15:56,926
She's crashing hard.
1660
01:15:57,094 --> 01:15:58,678
We gotta give her more blow.
1661
01:15:58,845 --> 01:16:00,096
No, no! No more cocaine!
1662
01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:01,138
I need it!
1663
01:16:01,306 --> 01:16:03,349
- There's some.
- Do not give her more!
1664
01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:04,600
Give it to me!
1665
01:16:04,768 --> 01:16:05,810
Ava, no! No, please!
1666
01:16:05,978 --> 01:16:07,478
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!
1667
01:16:07,980 --> 01:16:09,105
Dude, look.
1668
01:16:09,273 --> 01:16:10,273
Oh, this is not good!
1669
01:16:10,482 --> 01:16:11,524
Oh, this is not good.
1670
01:16:11,733 --> 01:16:12,775
Oh, this is not good!
1671
01:16:13,277 --> 01:16:15,611
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!
1672
01:16:15,779 --> 01:16:17,947
New plan. Let's bash through the door.
1673
01:16:18,115 --> 01:16:19,115
You steal his gun.
1674
01:16:19,283 --> 01:16:21,284
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!
1675
01:16:43,056 --> 01:16:43,764
Yah!
1676
01:16:44,558 --> 01:16:47,018
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm...
1677
01:16:48,562 --> 01:16:49,854
I'm so sorry. Wow.
1678
01:16:50,022 --> 01:16:52,648
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.
1679
01:16:52,816 --> 01:16:53,983
Look. We are...
1680
01:16:54,151 --> 01:16:55,401
...two reasonable guys...
1681
01:16:55,569 --> 01:16:57,278
...and...
1682
01:17:02,034 --> 01:17:04,827
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.
1683
01:17:05,037 --> 01:17:06,996
You can really feel it.
1684
01:17:07,164 --> 01:17:09,874
Bis, pecs, this one.
1685
01:17:10,167 --> 01:17:11,709
Thank you, Adrian.
1686
01:17:11,877 --> 01:17:13,711
That was a really great team effort.
1687
01:17:13,879 --> 01:17:15,671
Who's my sidekick? You are.
1688
01:17:15,839 --> 01:17:16,464
Let's go.
1689
01:17:16,632 --> 01:17:19,550
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.
1690
01:17:19,926 --> 01:17:20,676
Oh, mints!
1691
01:17:22,763 --> 01:17:23,554
Mm.
1692
01:17:25,682 --> 01:17:27,183
Where the fuck are we?
1693
01:17:27,351 --> 01:17:30,061
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1694
01:17:31,688 --> 01:17:32,813
Do you have any bars?
1695
01:17:33,231 --> 01:17:35,358
- I got no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.
1696
01:17:35,817 --> 01:17:37,068
Hello?
1697
01:17:38,695 --> 01:17:40,363
Anybody here?
1698
01:17:41,114 --> 01:17:42,365
Forget it. Just...
1699
01:17:42,866 --> 01:17:44,200
Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.
1700
01:17:44,368 --> 01:17:47,203
They're home, wondering where I am,
where the tree is.
1701
01:17:47,371 --> 01:17:48,579
I just...
1702
01:17:49,373 --> 01:17:51,415
It's such a disaster, this fucking night.
1703
01:17:51,583 --> 01:17:53,542
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.
1704
01:17:53,710 --> 01:17:54,960
No. When Maria's dad...
1705
01:17:55,128 --> 01:17:57,630
...was a young boy in Medell�n...
- Vanessa's pregnant.
1706
01:17:58,090 --> 01:17:59,215
What?
1707
01:17:59,383 --> 01:18:02,134
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.
1708
01:18:02,969 --> 01:18:05,554
I thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why I quit.
1709
01:18:05,722 --> 01:18:08,140
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.
1710
01:18:08,350 --> 01:18:10,434
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?
1711
01:18:10,727 --> 01:18:12,144
Yeah, that's why l...
1712
01:18:13,605 --> 01:18:17,066
We've been trying for like a...
For a year.
1713
01:18:17,234 --> 01:18:18,567
Oh, man.
1714
01:18:18,735 --> 01:18:20,861
Now I feel even worse about your dick.
1715
01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:22,279
I don't wanna...
1716
01:18:22,447 --> 01:18:23,614
How do we get out?
1717
01:18:26,243 --> 01:18:27,243
I got an idea.
1718
01:18:30,122 --> 01:18:31,580
I saw this in a movie, man.
1719
01:18:31,748 --> 01:18:34,125
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.
1720
01:18:34,292 --> 01:18:35,292
We can find people.
1721
01:18:35,460 --> 01:18:37,753
No, it's fine. Aah!
1722
01:18:41,758 --> 01:18:42,466
Now what?
1723
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:44,260
I don't know.
1724
01:18:48,140 --> 01:18:49,473
No fucking way.
1725
01:18:59,943 --> 01:19:01,277
Santa, can you hear me?
1726
01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:02,945
Oh, what the fuck?
1727
01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:05,256
Lie still.
You've been in a terrible accident.
1728
01:19:05,257 --> 01:19:06,657
I'm gonna take a closer look.
1729
01:19:08,535 --> 01:19:09,160
Oh, God!
1730
01:19:09,327 --> 01:19:10,161
This isn't good.
1731
01:19:10,328 --> 01:19:11,662
Mr. Claus, can you feel...
1732
01:19:11,830 --> 01:19:12,496
...any of this?
1733
01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:15,624
Just let me die, please!
1734
01:19:15,792 --> 01:19:17,168
Let me die in peace!
1735
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:20,004
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.
1736
01:19:20,172 --> 01:19:22,840
Listen to me. I need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...
1737
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:25,217
...get as many medical supplies
as you can.
1738
01:19:35,687 --> 01:19:36,812
Oh, God!
1739
01:19:38,732 --> 01:19:39,857
Aah!
1740
01:19:42,819 --> 01:19:44,236
Ah, there.
1741
01:19:44,571 --> 01:19:45,738
I think that'll do it.
1742
01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:47,239
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?
1743
01:19:47,449 --> 01:19:49,325
Uh, a little woozy.
1744
01:19:49,493 --> 01:19:51,076
The morphine. It'll wear off.
1745
01:19:51,244 --> 01:19:53,454
Nice. But I...
1746
01:19:53,622 --> 01:19:54,580
...think I'm okay.
1747
01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:57,958
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.
1748
01:19:58,126 --> 01:20:00,377
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.
1749
01:20:00,545 --> 01:20:02,797
You two have always been good boys.
1750
01:20:03,590 --> 01:20:05,174
Tell that to my father-in-law.
1751
01:20:05,342 --> 01:20:08,177
Hey, man, I can take the blame
for that, all right?
1752
01:20:08,345 --> 01:20:10,387
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...
1753
01:20:10,555 --> 01:20:13,641
...but I'm running a little late
and I have all these...
1754
01:20:13,809 --> 01:20:15,684
...presents to deliver.
1755
01:20:15,852 --> 01:20:17,853
So you guys need a ride
or something?
1756
01:20:18,355 --> 01:20:19,480
Seriously?
1757
01:20:19,940 --> 01:20:22,191
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!
1758
01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:24,026
It's not not awesome!
1759
01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:25,986
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1760
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,087
Thanks for the ride.
1761
01:20:43,755 --> 01:20:44,547
I'm guessing...
1762
01:20:44,756 --> 01:20:46,882
...you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?
1763
01:20:47,133 --> 01:20:48,634
Sorry. I can't help you there.
1764
01:20:49,135 --> 01:20:49,885
Besides...
1765
01:20:50,053 --> 01:20:51,554
...I gave you your present.
1766
01:20:51,763 --> 01:20:53,389
- You did?
- Yes.
1767
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:54,765
You got my package, right?
1768
01:20:54,933 --> 01:20:55,599
The joint?
1769
01:20:56,142 --> 01:20:57,393
- That was you?
- Yeah.
1770
01:20:57,561 --> 01:21:00,271
It was my little way of bringing
you boys back together.
1771
01:21:02,941 --> 01:21:03,607
Dude...
1772
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:06,151
...l'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.
1773
01:21:06,403 --> 01:21:08,112
Won't be a party unless you're there.
1774
01:21:08,280 --> 01:21:10,406
It's about fucking time, Roldy.
1775
01:21:10,824 --> 01:21:12,575
I wouldn't miss it, man.
1776
01:21:16,329 --> 01:21:19,081
By the way, for what it's worth...
1777
01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:20,916
...you'd make a great dad.
1778
01:21:22,419 --> 01:21:23,168
Well, I guess...
1779
01:21:23,336 --> 01:21:25,546
...this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good boy...
1780
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:26,589
...next year.
1781
01:21:26,798 --> 01:21:27,756
All right.
1782
01:21:27,924 --> 01:21:30,968
No more jerking off into a sock
filled with baby powder.
1783
01:21:31,303 --> 01:21:33,971
- l...
- Ha, ha. Don't worry.
1784
01:21:34,139 --> 01:21:35,764
I'm just teasing you.
1785
01:21:35,932 --> 01:21:37,266
I do it too.
1786
01:21:40,812 --> 01:21:45,649
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1787
01:21:46,443 --> 01:21:47,401
l...
1788
01:21:48,320 --> 01:21:50,321
Merry Christmas, Roldy!
1789
01:22:01,583 --> 01:22:02,708
Where's the tree?
1790
01:22:08,882 --> 01:22:09,632
It's, um...
1791
01:22:10,342 --> 01:22:12,384
Okay, what happened is that, um...
1792
01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:14,678
You said you were going to...
1793
01:22:14,846 --> 01:22:17,473
...take care of it.
Now where's the tree?
1794
01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:20,142
What happened to the tree is, uh...
1795
01:22:21,102 --> 01:22:22,519
...I kind of burned it down.
1796
01:22:24,522 --> 01:22:26,357
That tree was a Perez...
1797
01:22:26,524 --> 01:22:28,192
...family tradition.
1798
01:22:28,360 --> 01:22:30,361
You ruined Christmas!
1799
01:22:30,612 --> 01:22:32,738
Ha, ha. I ruined your...?
1800
01:22:32,906 --> 01:22:34,406
You ruined my Christmas, man!
1801
01:22:34,866 --> 01:22:37,159
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?
1802
01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:40,996
Uh, I inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.
1803
01:22:41,164 --> 01:22:44,708
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.
1804
01:22:44,876 --> 01:22:46,418
I was drugged by...
1805
01:22:46,586 --> 01:22:49,755
...asshole teenagers. Then I danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.
1806
01:22:49,923 --> 01:22:51,840
And I'm a terrible dancer.
1807
01:22:52,008 --> 01:22:53,550
I almost had my dick ripped off.
1808
01:22:53,927 --> 01:22:55,094
And then I shot...
1809
01:22:55,261 --> 01:22:59,014
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.
1810
01:22:59,182 --> 01:22:59,932
Why?
1811
01:23:01,017 --> 01:23:02,226
Because I wanted you...
1812
01:23:02,394 --> 01:23:05,062
...to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.
1813
01:23:05,522 --> 01:23:07,022
Now, here's a newsflash:
1814
01:23:07,190 --> 01:23:09,149
This is my house.
1815
01:23:09,317 --> 01:23:11,360
Maria is my wife.
1816
01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:14,530
And if you want to be in our family...
1817
01:23:14,781 --> 01:23:17,408
...you best show me some
fucking respect.
1818
01:23:20,036 --> 01:23:21,245
Is that too much?
1819
01:23:23,790 --> 01:23:24,790
I like it.
1820
01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:26,417
- Really?
- Look.
1821
01:23:26,710 --> 01:23:28,794
I always knew you were a nice guy.
1822
01:23:29,045 --> 01:23:31,422
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.
1823
01:23:31,589 --> 01:23:32,923
I didn't want her to be...
1824
01:23:33,091 --> 01:23:34,717
...with some wimpy pussy.
1825
01:23:35,719 --> 01:23:36,677
But you...
1826
01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:38,679
You showed me you got cojones.
1827
01:23:38,847 --> 01:23:39,722
Testicles, right?
1828
01:23:41,057 --> 01:23:42,057
Rosetta Stone.
1829
01:23:43,435 --> 01:23:44,935
- You know what?
- What's that?
1830
01:23:45,311 --> 01:23:46,770
This coming Easter...
1831
01:23:48,231 --> 01:23:49,982
...you guys come to my house.
1832
01:23:50,191 --> 01:23:53,402
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.
1833
01:23:53,570 --> 01:23:54,236
Mr. Perez.
1834
01:23:54,446 --> 01:23:55,487
Mr. Perez.
1835
01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:10,127
Fuck!
1836
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:11,795
Kumar!
1837
01:24:11,963 --> 01:24:12,921
Jesus!
1838
01:24:13,089 --> 01:24:17,426
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.
1839
01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:19,845
What...? What are you doing?
You can't just...
1840
01:24:20,013 --> 01:24:21,346
Hold on. There's something...
1841
01:24:21,514 --> 01:24:22,931
...I need to say to you, okay?
1842
01:24:23,099 --> 01:24:26,477
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.
1843
01:24:27,020 --> 01:24:29,313
The more I think about it,
the more excited I am.
1844
01:24:29,773 --> 01:24:31,315
I mean, I love kids.
1845
01:24:31,733 --> 01:24:33,275
That's because you are a kid.
1846
01:24:33,485 --> 01:24:37,196
I know. But... Look, if you
give me another chance...
1847
01:24:37,363 --> 01:24:41,867
...I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.
1848
01:24:42,035 --> 01:24:43,702
I'll even quit weed if I have to.
1849
01:24:43,870 --> 01:24:45,120
You'd quit weed?
1850
01:24:45,288 --> 01:24:47,873
Of course. I would do anything for you.
1851
01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:50,834
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...
1852
01:24:51,002 --> 01:24:53,295
...it made me realize
how important you are to me.
1853
01:24:53,505 --> 01:24:56,006
I wish I would've realized that sooner.
1854
01:24:56,341 --> 01:24:57,800
You don't have to do this.
1855
01:24:58,802 --> 01:25:00,511
I know I don't have to.
1856
01:25:01,346 --> 01:25:02,679
I want to.
1857
01:25:08,520 --> 01:25:09,520
Do me a favor.
1858
01:25:09,687 --> 01:25:10,813
Yeah, anything.
1859
01:25:13,316 --> 01:25:14,650
Don't quit weed.
1860
01:25:14,818 --> 01:25:16,068
What?
1861
01:25:16,277 --> 01:25:19,071
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...
1862
01:25:19,280 --> 01:25:20,405
...use my pee.
1863
01:25:21,407 --> 01:25:22,533
I love you.
1864
01:25:23,034 --> 01:25:24,326
I love you too.
1865
01:25:29,040 --> 01:25:31,416
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.
1866
01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:48,350
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
1867
01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:50,435
Harold! Wake up! Baby.
1868
01:25:51,938 --> 01:25:54,106
- It's pink.
- Oh, my God.
1869
01:25:54,315 --> 01:25:56,441
- It's pink.
- It's a miracle.
1870
01:25:57,193 --> 01:25:58,235
It's a miracle.
1871
01:25:59,612 --> 01:26:00,696
It's a miracle!
1872
01:26:00,864 --> 01:26:02,114
It's a miracle!
1873
01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:05,200
Isn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?
1874
01:26:05,702 --> 01:26:07,744
I came downstairs this morning...
1875
01:26:07,912 --> 01:26:09,371
...and here she was.
1876
01:26:13,710 --> 01:26:14,877
God bless us, everyone!
1877
01:27:45,009 --> 01:27:48,428
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
1878
01:36:11,015 --> 01:36:13,016
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