1 00:00:40,918 --> 00:00:41,919 Turn it up. 2 00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:06,569 Dang. 3 00:01:08,195 --> 00:01:10,531 That's what I'm talking about. L.A.! 4 00:01:22,751 --> 00:01:24,587 Radio station ID. 5 00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:27,339 Coming to work. Joe Dirté. 6 00:01:27,548 --> 00:01:31,093 Don't try and church it up, son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? 7 00:01:31,385 --> 00:01:34,388 Naming you that, your daddy must have really hated you. 8 00:01:34,597 --> 00:01:36,140 You're wrong, brother. 9 00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:38,392 I got a good name for this car: Rusty. 10 00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:41,103 - Shit'll buff out. - Don't bother. 11 00:01:41,395 --> 00:01:44,607 Drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor. 12 00:01:45,399 --> 00:01:47,735 This look like a piece of crap to you?! 13 00:01:48,569 --> 00:01:50,404 You like them spinning tires? 14 00:01:52,406 --> 00:01:54,074 - You suck! - You do! 15 00:02:03,334 --> 00:02:05,169 Did he hurt you, baby? 16 00:02:09,131 --> 00:02:12,760 People like that security guard don't really mean what they say. 17 00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:15,179 They just got their own issues. 18 00:02:15,429 --> 00:02:17,806 All's I got to do is keep being a good person. 19 00:02:17,973 --> 00:02:20,768 No matter what, good things'll come my way. 20 00:02:20,976 --> 00:02:25,189 Everything will happen for me, as long as I never have "no" in my heart. 21 00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:29,109 Can't a guy even take a dump in peace? Psycho. 22 00:02:29,318 --> 00:02:31,529 - Fucking cocksucker. - Right on. 23 00:02:31,987 --> 00:02:33,781 Things are going to happen for me. 24 00:02:34,281 --> 00:02:35,324 I'm Joe Dirt! 25 00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:43,165 I'm going to the restroom to take a big Joe. 26 00:02:43,457 --> 00:02:45,626 Don't forget to wipe your dirt. 27 00:02:47,336 --> 00:02:49,171 You boys got something to say? 28 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:52,967 Why don't you talk in the microphone? I got a backup mike right here. 29 00:02:53,175 --> 00:02:55,261 Check, one, two. Testing, testing. 30 00:02:55,469 --> 00:02:58,848 They both work and they don't like no feedback. What's up? 31 00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:05,062 What's going on? Keep it down. 32 00:03:05,312 --> 00:03:09,817 Zander Kelly's on the air. What's the deal with your haircut? 33 00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:14,029 I'm sorry about the noise, sir. This ain't no haircut. This is a wig. 34 00:03:14,238 --> 00:03:16,282 A wig... Look at you. 35 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,491 Jesus! 36 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:21,328 I got somebody I want you to meet. Come with me. 37 00:03:21,871 --> 00:03:23,163 Come on back. 38 00:03:24,373 --> 00:03:27,084 Yeah, that's what I thought. This is Zander Kelly. 39 00:03:28,169 --> 00:03:29,336 You're listening to 98.6, KXLA. 40 00:03:29,545 --> 00:03:32,089 All-aberration radio, all the time. 41 00:03:32,339 --> 00:03:34,717 Zander. You got to see this guy. 42 00:03:34,884 --> 00:03:38,637 God almighty! Manna from inbred heaven. Hey, freak-boy. 43 00:03:38,846 --> 00:03:41,390 1976 called. It wants its hairstyle back. 44 00:03:41,599 --> 00:03:43,100 Zander, get this: This is a wig. 45 00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:47,938 What are you wearing a wig for? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus? 46 00:03:48,189 --> 00:03:51,066 Freddy, go get "Free Bird" - boy here an all-access laminate... 47 00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:54,486 ...for the show in perpetuity. I'm wringing this chamois as long as I can. 48 00:03:54,695 --> 00:03:58,741 You are exquisitely pathetic. What's your name, pal? 49 00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:02,494 Joe Dirt, but if you're just gonna make fun of me, I'll go back to mopping. 50 00:04:02,703 --> 00:04:04,455 Sit down. Let me take another tact. 51 00:04:04,705 --> 00:04:08,250 Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig? 52 00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:11,128 I was born without the top of my skull. 53 00:04:11,378 --> 00:04:14,715 A little bit of my brains was showing, grossing everybody out. 54 00:04:15,424 --> 00:04:18,177 So my mom put this wig on me to cover it up... 55 00:04:18,385 --> 00:04:20,054 ...and then the bones grew together... 56 00:04:21,222 --> 00:04:23,724 ...and it got all infused and entwined. 57 00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:26,310 I don't mean to get all scientific or whatever. 58 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,562 Why didn't your mom change the wig later? 59 00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:33,734 Actually, we got separated when I was eight. I got lost. 60 00:04:33,943 --> 00:04:36,111 You been on your own since eight years old? 61 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,572 Pretty much. It's a long story, actually. 62 00:04:38,739 --> 00:04:39,740 Listen to you. 63 00:04:39,949 --> 00:04:42,743 What's the story here? "I'm a white-trash idiot. " The end. 64 00:04:42,952 --> 00:04:46,872 Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back, making fun of Joe Dirt? 65 00:04:47,081 --> 00:04:49,708 Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh would be chiming in too. 66 00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:53,295 Funny, because my mom used to say that if she caught me doing stuff. 67 00:04:53,504 --> 00:04:56,799 Like one time, I was jerking my gherkin... Can I say that? 68 00:04:57,007 --> 00:04:59,635 She goes, "Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?" 69 00:04:59,969 --> 00:05:03,305 A real winner. It's amazing to me you turned out like you did... 70 00:05:03,514 --> 00:05:05,808 ...with that sort of mentoring. 71 00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:07,560 I can't say don't make fun of me... 72 00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:09,270 ...but you shouldn't make fun of my mom. 73 00:05:09,478 --> 00:05:12,147 Guys, you got to hear this guy on the Zander show. 74 00:05:12,356 --> 00:05:13,774 You're on your own. 75 00:05:13,983 --> 00:05:15,818 The family's ditched you. What next? 76 00:05:15,985 --> 00:05:18,821 Do you really care? It's actually not an easy story to tell. 77 00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:21,448 I got four hours a day to fill, man. 78 00:05:21,657 --> 00:05:24,201 It's not often I get a freak plopped into my lap. 79 00:05:24,451 --> 00:05:26,453 Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me. 80 00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:28,038 All right, man. 81 00:05:28,289 --> 00:05:31,458 My parents, my sister and I all went to the Grand Canyon. 82 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,420 While they checked out the sights and donkeys and whatnot... 83 00:05:34,628 --> 00:05:37,298 - ...I somehow got separated from them. - Makes his shot. 84 00:05:38,215 --> 00:05:41,051 Hey, Dad. Look. It's the good stuff. 85 00:05:41,302 --> 00:05:44,555 None of that pussy Skoal. Right, Dad? 86 00:05:44,847 --> 00:05:45,890 Dad? 87 00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:47,349 Mom! 88 00:05:47,975 --> 00:05:50,352 Dad! Mom! 89 00:05:51,478 --> 00:05:52,563 Where are you?! 90 00:05:53,189 --> 00:05:54,148 Dad! 91 00:05:55,566 --> 00:05:57,693 Mom! Where are you?! 92 00:05:59,153 --> 00:06:01,363 You can come out now. 93 00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:04,825 So there I was. 94 00:06:05,034 --> 00:06:08,078 A lot of kids would have been scared but I was tough about it. 95 00:06:08,329 --> 00:06:10,498 I walked till the cops picked me up... 96 00:06:10,706 --> 00:06:13,000 ...and put me into a foster home. 97 00:06:13,334 --> 00:06:15,753 One guy I fostered out to for about a month. 98 00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:18,088 He'd take me hunting with him and his dog. 99 00:06:18,339 --> 00:06:21,675 I thought hunting would be, you know, more fun than it was. 100 00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:26,430 See, boy, he goes off and fetches the duck. You see how that works? 101 00:06:26,889 --> 00:06:27,848 Fun, huh? 102 00:06:31,894 --> 00:06:34,897 After that, I spent time with people who worked on a farm. 103 00:06:35,773 --> 00:06:39,360 I learned cows don't find bottle rockets as funny as I do. 104 00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:57,294 Then there was this old lady who had me for a couple weeks. 105 00:06:57,545 --> 00:07:00,214 I don't want to be unkind, but she was a little off-balanced. 106 00:07:00,422 --> 00:07:02,258 Scrub clean before supper. 107 00:07:02,466 --> 00:07:05,344 And that means wash under your fingernails... 108 00:07:05,553 --> 00:07:09,431 ...and back of your ears and dress in your Sunday best. 109 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:14,311 I expect your schoolwork done every night, laid out for my inspection. 110 00:07:14,562 --> 00:07:16,146 - Is that clear? - Yes, ma'am. 111 00:07:16,397 --> 00:07:18,440 Can I push him off my leg? 112 00:07:18,899 --> 00:07:21,861 He'll stop humping as soon as he's done. 113 00:07:23,445 --> 00:07:25,573 Well, the year was 1982. 114 00:07:25,781 --> 00:07:29,118 I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten in a little trouble here and there... 115 00:07:29,326 --> 00:07:31,453 ...so I was in a juvie home for boys... 116 00:07:32,079 --> 00:07:35,666 ...and I was getting ready to split that scene, and pronto. 117 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:41,463 Bob Seger? 118 00:07:41,630 --> 00:07:45,259 Be honest, it was Leif Garrett. It was probably more like this: 119 00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:54,602 No, sir, man. I don't like that crap. I'm a rocker, through and through. 120 00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:59,064 Here's my favorite bands: ACIDC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar... 121 00:07:59,273 --> 00:08:01,150 - ...Skynyrd, Def Lepp- - All right. 122 00:08:01,317 --> 00:08:03,944 Don't make me call your probey officer. 123 00:08:04,778 --> 00:08:06,280 And riddle me this: 124 00:08:06,488 --> 00:08:10,326 Other than the fact that you dig looking like Jane Fonda in Klute... 125 00:08:10,659 --> 00:08:13,037 ...why don't you cut the wig now? 126 00:08:14,663 --> 00:08:18,000 Well, yeah. I guess I could do that. 127 00:08:18,209 --> 00:08:21,295 Zander just asked this Joe Dirt why he doesn't cut the wig. 128 00:08:21,504 --> 00:08:23,214 You can tell he's never thought of that. 129 00:08:23,464 --> 00:08:25,799 Except for the ratty stache and the pork chops... 130 00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:29,303 ...you're pretty clean-shaven for a kid who lives in a trash can. No? 131 00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:33,182 I don't need to shave because it don't grow in right here and here. 132 00:08:33,557 --> 00:08:37,311 You're telling me you were so ingrained with white-trash DNA... 133 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:42,149 ...your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white-trashy like that? 134 00:08:42,358 --> 00:08:46,070 I don't know what you're saying, but that's what's going on, yeah. 135 00:08:46,529 --> 00:08:51,033 So back to the story here. You're on your own... 136 00:08:51,242 --> 00:08:53,577 I'm just camping out or whatever... 137 00:08:54,161 --> 00:08:58,082 ...and this goes on for years until one night, something amazing happened. 138 00:09:01,669 --> 00:09:03,671 Man, a shooting star. 139 00:09:04,088 --> 00:09:06,006 I got to make a wish. 140 00:09:06,507 --> 00:09:11,428 I wish I knew what happened that one day at that Grand Canyon place. 141 00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:25,860 It's a meteorite! 142 00:09:26,610 --> 00:09:29,905 Whoa, check it out. That's cool. Oh, man, look at you. 143 00:09:30,114 --> 00:09:33,534 You're probably made of precious metal, and everyone'll want you. 144 00:09:33,701 --> 00:09:36,078 But you want to be with me! Right on! 145 00:09:36,245 --> 00:09:39,123 You're Joe Meteorite, and I'm Joe Dirt! 146 00:09:42,751 --> 00:09:46,297 Here on earth, we call this place the town. 147 00:09:46,714 --> 00:09:51,010 A town is a place where everyone hates you. Kids try to beat you up. 148 00:09:51,218 --> 00:09:52,928 - Oh, yes. It's so flat. - Awesome. 149 00:09:53,137 --> 00:09:57,391 This is going to be awesome. Holy crap, ladies. 150 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,061 Hey, junior dirt bag. You talking to your rock? 151 00:10:01,312 --> 00:10:03,731 It ain't no rock. It's a meteor, dum-dum. 152 00:10:03,939 --> 00:10:07,193 Did it land on your barber's head while he was cutting your hair? 153 00:10:07,401 --> 00:10:09,904 Go practice falling down. I'll be there in a minute. 154 00:10:10,446 --> 00:10:12,281 You want to fight, you little queer? 155 00:10:12,573 --> 00:10:13,616 Queer? 156 00:10:13,991 --> 00:10:15,367 Is this queer? 157 00:10:15,576 --> 00:10:18,120 These queer? What's up? What's up? 158 00:10:18,329 --> 00:10:19,580 He must be retarded. 159 00:10:19,788 --> 00:10:21,665 Hey, retard, you aren't worth it. 160 00:10:21,957 --> 00:10:24,293 - Come on, let's go. - Yeah? You are. 161 00:10:24,502 --> 00:10:27,421 I mean, you aren't worth it. 162 00:10:27,796 --> 00:10:31,800 I told them, Meteor. You have my back. You're cool. 163 00:10:32,092 --> 00:10:34,053 What's that? 164 00:10:36,514 --> 00:10:39,517 Five dollars. That's mine now. 165 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:44,230 You're my lucky meteor. Right on. I'll hold your half for you. 166 00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:49,485 Meteor, we call this here being in burger heaven. 167 00:10:57,284 --> 00:10:58,827 We need to find a home. 168 00:11:00,162 --> 00:11:02,790 We need some stability in our life, man. 169 00:11:03,541 --> 00:11:05,209 We need to settle down. 170 00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:08,337 Life gets hard, you know. 171 00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:31,318 Come on now. 172 00:11:31,902 --> 00:11:33,529 It's a little bumpy. 173 00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:40,995 Look at that town, Meteor. That's pretty. 174 00:11:41,412 --> 00:11:44,874 I bet people in a town like that'll be nice to us. 175 00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:47,001 Let's go down there. 176 00:11:48,085 --> 00:11:49,503 Come on. 177 00:11:52,173 --> 00:11:55,718 No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor. Not in a million years. 178 00:11:55,926 --> 00:11:59,346 But just for laughs, let's see how much you're worth. 179 00:12:00,347 --> 00:12:02,141 Well, it ain't a meteor. 180 00:12:02,349 --> 00:12:04,059 It is. It came out of the sky. 181 00:12:04,268 --> 00:12:09,523 I'm sure it did, but it ain't a meteor. It's a big old frozen chunk of shit. 182 00:12:09,732 --> 00:12:11,025 - What? - Oh, yeah. 183 00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:15,487 Airplanes dump their toilets 36,000 feet, stuff freezes, falls to earth. 184 00:12:15,696 --> 00:12:17,907 We call them Boeing bombs. 185 00:12:18,866 --> 00:12:21,202 That can't be. That's not what it is. 186 00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:22,536 I'm afraid so. 187 00:12:23,537 --> 00:12:26,499 You see the peanut? Dead giveaway. 188 00:12:26,749 --> 00:12:29,585 Yeah, that's a space peanut. 189 00:12:29,793 --> 00:12:30,961 I'm afraid not. 190 00:12:31,212 --> 00:12:33,923 This is a big old frozen chunk of poopie. 191 00:12:37,801 --> 00:12:39,470 Dude, you were eating off it. 192 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:40,804 Oh, God. 193 00:12:41,055 --> 00:12:43,933 Okay. That's too much, too much. Then what happened? 194 00:12:44,266 --> 00:12:45,726 Well, then I got a dog. 195 00:12:45,935 --> 00:12:49,438 You're saying you'd rather have a dog than a frozen hunk of crap. 196 00:12:52,733 --> 00:12:55,694 It wasn't really my dog. It was this girl's dog. 197 00:12:55,903 --> 00:13:00,407 I was living in the woods outside of that postcard town I said. Silvertown. 198 00:13:00,783 --> 00:13:03,577 I'd come in to steal stuff, you know, food, whatever. 199 00:13:03,786 --> 00:13:05,579 And then one winter... 200 00:13:20,636 --> 00:13:21,762 Are you okay, boy? 201 00:13:24,265 --> 00:13:26,851 Oh, no, are your nuts frozen to the porch? 202 00:13:30,855 --> 00:13:32,273 Oh, that sucks. 203 00:13:32,606 --> 00:13:34,191 Don't pull on them. 204 00:13:39,446 --> 00:13:40,865 - Who are you? - It's okay. 205 00:13:41,115 --> 00:13:43,492 I was just walking by. Your dog's in a little trouble. 206 00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,452 - What's wrong? - I think his... 207 00:13:45,661 --> 00:13:49,081 You know how when you get your tongue frozen in a freezer... 208 00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:52,668 ...because it's all wet? I think he got- 209 00:13:52,835 --> 00:13:55,045 - Nuts frozen to the porch? - Yes, exactly. 210 00:13:55,296 --> 00:13:57,298 Oh, baby. Well, what do we do? 211 00:13:57,506 --> 00:14:00,217 We got to do something... Do you have something inside? 212 00:14:01,677 --> 00:14:02,678 Don't pull on them. 213 00:14:03,137 --> 00:14:06,056 It's okay. Don't move, it'll stretch them more. That's bad. 214 00:14:07,641 --> 00:14:09,560 No. That's wrong. 215 00:14:09,810 --> 00:14:12,938 No, that's way wrong. Do you got like warm water and... 216 00:14:13,147 --> 00:14:15,065 - A fork! - Yeah. No. What? 217 00:14:16,317 --> 00:14:18,986 A spatula thing. The flat one. 218 00:14:19,195 --> 00:14:21,906 I'm sorry, buddy. Just give her a second. Dang. 219 00:14:22,156 --> 00:14:23,866 I got it. Now what? 220 00:14:24,074 --> 00:14:28,454 Now here's what we do. I just pour a little water on here. You hold him. 221 00:14:28,662 --> 00:14:29,663 Easy. 222 00:14:29,872 --> 00:14:33,209 Ain't no flapjack, I'd go easy. Should loosen it up a little bit... 223 00:14:33,375 --> 00:14:35,753 I don't want to look. I'm sorry. 224 00:14:36,879 --> 00:14:38,672 One, two, three, go. 225 00:14:39,715 --> 00:14:42,259 There. Hey, buddy, you're free! 226 00:14:43,093 --> 00:14:45,179 - Good boy! - Good job. 227 00:14:45,513 --> 00:14:49,350 You might want to spray this porch with Pam, so it don't happen again. 228 00:14:50,684 --> 00:14:52,186 What's his name? 229 00:14:53,229 --> 00:14:54,188 Charlie. 230 00:14:54,563 --> 00:14:55,731 And mine's Brandy. 231 00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:57,233 Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt. 232 00:14:57,441 --> 00:14:59,777 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too. 233 00:15:00,027 --> 00:15:04,114 Get your ass in the kitchen. Fire up that stove, you got some cooking to do. 234 00:15:04,698 --> 00:15:07,284 Daddy? Can we have my new friend Joe, over for supper? 235 00:15:07,535 --> 00:15:10,538 Are you nuts, girl? We ain't running no soup kitchen here, boy. 236 00:15:10,788 --> 00:15:11,914 Scat! Get out of here! 237 00:15:12,957 --> 00:15:14,416 Long-haired hippie freak. 238 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,085 He's mean. 239 00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:23,092 I'll be your friend. 240 00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,553 For some reason, and I have no idea why... 241 00:15:26,053 --> 00:15:28,222 ...Brandy always wanted to hang out with me. 242 00:15:28,430 --> 00:15:30,140 I had Charlie, so that was cool. 243 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,355 For the next couple years, the three of us was hanging out at the farm. 244 00:15:36,564 --> 00:15:39,233 That was the closest thing I ever had to a home. 245 00:15:39,608 --> 00:15:41,026 Till one day... 246 00:15:50,494 --> 00:15:52,997 - Oh, Dirt, did I get you? - No, I'm cool. 247 00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:55,749 No, you're not. Where's Brandy? 248 00:15:55,958 --> 00:15:58,419 She's riding her horse. She'll be back in a minute. 249 00:15:58,627 --> 00:16:00,212 You guys want to play bumper pool? 250 00:16:00,421 --> 00:16:01,380 No. 251 00:16:02,256 --> 00:16:03,674 How does she put up with you, Dirt? 252 00:16:03,924 --> 00:16:05,259 That's a good question. 253 00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:06,844 She's great though, ain't she? 254 00:16:07,344 --> 00:16:09,180 You know, sometimes it's like... 255 00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:10,890 ...she likes me or something. 256 00:16:11,098 --> 00:16:12,766 Dream on, Dirt-boy. 257 00:16:12,975 --> 00:16:14,977 A girl like that's out of your league. 258 00:16:15,186 --> 00:16:16,979 She wants my body. 259 00:16:18,105 --> 00:16:21,317 No, I know, man, that's all... That's for you. I'm not... 260 00:16:21,525 --> 00:16:23,319 We're friends. She's out of my league. 261 00:16:23,527 --> 00:16:25,696 Don't ever forget it, Dirt. 262 00:16:28,449 --> 00:16:29,533 Check this out, Robbie. 263 00:16:29,783 --> 00:16:31,285 This is a good month. Dang. 264 00:16:31,494 --> 00:16:34,830 This guy's got a dashmat for a '69 Nova he wants to sell... 265 00:16:35,039 --> 00:16:39,126 ...and a car cover for any Dodge from '79 to '84. 266 00:16:39,710 --> 00:16:41,170 You don't even have a car. 267 00:16:41,337 --> 00:16:45,674 I know, but that's a deal. They're usually 80 bucks and this guy wants 40. 268 00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:47,718 Look at this. Charlie, see that? 269 00:16:47,968 --> 00:16:50,846 This guy's selling a Hurst speed shifter with a pool-ball grip. 270 00:16:51,055 --> 00:16:52,806 One day I'll have a car that bad-ass. 271 00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,643 I'll be chirping gears and pulling brodies, going... 272 00:16:56,519 --> 00:16:59,897 You'll stick your head out the window, check out chick-dogs, "What's up?" 273 00:17:00,147 --> 00:17:02,024 Boy, I swear, I'll slap you silly. 274 00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:07,029 Tell you what: Why don't you practice spitting out teeth, because I will- 275 00:17:31,887 --> 00:17:32,888 Come here. 276 00:17:35,724 --> 00:17:36,809 What's up, goat-roper? 277 00:17:37,017 --> 00:17:38,018 Not much, pig-licker. 278 00:17:38,227 --> 00:17:41,397 Watch the gun, baby. That's how I get the gals. 279 00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:43,774 Come on. I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen. 280 00:17:44,608 --> 00:17:46,527 Why are you being all nice? 281 00:17:46,735 --> 00:17:49,363 I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt. 282 00:17:50,281 --> 00:17:51,407 Can I come too? 283 00:17:51,782 --> 00:17:54,785 Robbie, I only have enough money for me and Joe. 284 00:17:56,704 --> 00:17:58,372 Come on, Joe. Let's do it. 285 00:17:58,581 --> 00:18:00,916 - Come on, Charlie. - Come on, boy! 286 00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:05,462 Oh, God. She is so fine. 287 00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:10,467 One day, I'm gonna marry that girl. 288 00:18:32,114 --> 00:18:33,824 Oh, there you are. 289 00:18:34,158 --> 00:18:35,367 Give me that mutt. 290 00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:39,330 - Take him hunting with me. - Daddy. You've been drinking. 291 00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:42,082 Shut the hell up. Just give me the mutt now. 292 00:18:42,291 --> 00:18:46,128 If you take the dog, I'll go with him because I've been hunting before. 293 00:18:46,295 --> 00:18:49,465 You hunt? I wouldn't even use you as a retriever. 294 00:18:50,466 --> 00:18:52,801 That's a good one. Charlie, get in the car. 295 00:18:55,804 --> 00:18:57,264 Charlie, you mangy mutt! 296 00:18:57,473 --> 00:19:00,309 Get in the damn car, you flea-bitten... 297 00:19:00,476 --> 00:19:02,770 ...butt-licking... 298 00:19:03,270 --> 00:19:04,939 ...son of a bitch. 299 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,905 Two. 300 00:19:13,822 --> 00:19:15,241 Yeah! What? 301 00:19:19,286 --> 00:19:21,330 Hey, my foot's stuck! 302 00:19:26,126 --> 00:19:28,838 Charlie, come here. Come here now. Come here, Charlie. 303 00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:32,216 My foot's stuck. See my foot's stuck? 304 00:19:32,424 --> 00:19:35,302 I need your help. I need you to go find Sheriff Williams. 305 00:19:35,511 --> 00:19:38,013 Now go on. Go get him. Go get help. 306 00:19:38,222 --> 00:19:41,141 Go get him. Run, Charlie. Run like the wind! 307 00:19:42,685 --> 00:19:44,186 Run! 308 00:19:44,937 --> 00:19:46,605 Run, Charlie. 309 00:19:55,781 --> 00:19:58,284 That stupid dog better be bringing somebody. 310 00:20:02,329 --> 00:20:04,373 Your dad always hunt this long? 311 00:20:05,082 --> 00:20:06,167 Hey, there's Charlie! 312 00:20:08,127 --> 00:20:10,796 There's my buddy. Where've you been? 313 00:20:14,633 --> 00:20:15,676 There you go, Don. 314 00:20:16,218 --> 00:20:17,595 Take her easy. 315 00:20:20,681 --> 00:20:21,640 Oh, my God! 316 00:20:21,891 --> 00:20:23,309 There's that worthless mutt. 317 00:20:23,517 --> 00:20:24,476 What happened? 318 00:20:24,685 --> 00:20:26,353 It's that goddamn dog's fault! 319 00:20:26,562 --> 00:20:28,230 Now I'm putting him down. 320 00:20:28,439 --> 00:20:31,233 - No, you can't! Don't! - Guess who came back, Charlie?! 321 00:20:37,239 --> 00:20:40,784 Joe, he's okay now. He's in dog heaven. 322 00:20:40,993 --> 00:20:43,329 You gave him some great last years. 323 00:20:43,913 --> 00:20:47,875 Sprinkle his ashes. They'll drift out to sea. 324 00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:49,835 He would have liked that. 325 00:20:53,255 --> 00:20:54,507 I can't do it. 326 00:20:57,426 --> 00:20:58,761 I'm taking him with me. 327 00:20:59,303 --> 00:21:02,097 Taking him with you? But... 328 00:21:02,556 --> 00:21:04,183 ...where are you going? 329 00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:06,101 You see that moon? 330 00:21:07,728 --> 00:21:11,106 You don't know how many nights I spend alone staring at that moon... 331 00:21:11,273 --> 00:21:15,611 ...wondering if at that moment, my mom or my dad was looking at it too. 332 00:21:16,153 --> 00:21:20,616 And for that brief second, we were together again, kind of. You know? 333 00:21:22,868 --> 00:21:25,579 When I was with Charlie, I didn't miss that moon so much. 334 00:21:27,122 --> 00:21:29,792 Brandy, I got a hole in my heart. I don't know how to fix it. 335 00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:34,630 I gotta find out what happened at the Grand Canyon. I gotta do it. 336 00:21:35,631 --> 00:21:39,885 But what if when you're gone, some guy asks me to marry him... 337 00:21:40,094 --> 00:21:41,178 ...and you're not here? 338 00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:44,765 What's that got to do with me? We'll always be buddies. 339 00:21:44,974 --> 00:21:47,977 Well, if I get married... 340 00:21:48,269 --> 00:21:50,312 ...we might move and... 341 00:21:50,563 --> 00:21:52,356 ...you might not know where to find me. 342 00:21:52,565 --> 00:21:54,775 You are gonna make some guy so happy. 343 00:21:54,984 --> 00:21:58,237 I just hope whoever he is, he deserves a girl like you. 344 00:22:00,656 --> 00:22:02,658 God, that Brandy has a nice ass. 345 00:22:02,867 --> 00:22:06,829 I got this loser talking about the moon and walking his dog. 346 00:22:06,996 --> 00:22:10,374 All the time, I'm thinking about Brandy's well-manicured backyard... 347 00:22:10,583 --> 00:22:12,668 ...and those cut-off shorts. 348 00:22:12,877 --> 00:22:14,253 Yeah, she's cool. 349 00:22:14,461 --> 00:22:17,339 So there I was on my own again looking for my parents. 350 00:22:17,548 --> 00:22:19,592 - But I don't know their last names. - It's Dirt. 351 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,678 Isn't that the name on the family crest? Dirt. 352 00:22:22,887 --> 00:22:26,515 No, my last name's Dirt. My dad made it Dirt, for some reason. 353 00:22:26,724 --> 00:22:29,685 I just put an "e" on it, pronounce it "Dirté." 354 00:22:29,894 --> 00:22:32,229 It's no big deal. It actually sounds pretty cool. 355 00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:33,939 But I don't know their last name... 356 00:22:34,190 --> 00:22:37,651 ...and I remember my sister yelling at my face when I was growing up... 357 00:22:37,985 --> 00:22:41,572 That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt! That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt! 358 00:22:41,822 --> 00:22:43,866 That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of... 359 00:22:44,074 --> 00:22:46,118 I couldn't remember my real last name. 360 00:22:46,327 --> 00:22:48,496 - I knew they'd be hard to find. - So what'd you do? 361 00:22:48,704 --> 00:22:49,997 I needed some money. 362 00:22:51,332 --> 00:22:55,002 I hopped a train out of Silvertown and headed east for the big city. 363 00:22:59,882 --> 00:23:01,342 Then I got lucky. 364 00:23:01,509 --> 00:23:04,512 I got myself a real important job in advertising. 365 00:23:04,678 --> 00:23:08,390 Molar World. Walk-ins welcome. There you go. 366 00:23:08,599 --> 00:23:12,228 Molar World. One for the kid? Sure. 367 00:23:14,355 --> 00:23:16,065 What's up? 368 00:23:16,273 --> 00:23:17,733 Oh, my God! 369 00:23:17,942 --> 00:23:21,904 Competition, orange '67. This thing's a Hemi! 370 00:23:23,364 --> 00:23:25,199 Ma'am, are you selling this car? 371 00:23:25,407 --> 00:23:27,535 Literally just went onto the market. 372 00:23:27,701 --> 00:23:29,119 Well, how much for it? 373 00:23:30,538 --> 00:23:31,539 What do you got? 374 00:23:32,373 --> 00:23:34,834 Practically nothing. I'm looking for my parents. 375 00:23:35,042 --> 00:23:37,711 They lost me at the Grand Canyon more than ten years ago. 376 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,714 All my money goes towards that. I don't have pictures of them. 377 00:23:40,965 --> 00:23:43,259 You don't even have a picture? 378 00:23:43,634 --> 00:23:46,554 Well, you know, my ex-husband, before he died... 379 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,264 Oh. I'm sorry. 380 00:23:48,472 --> 00:23:51,183 No. I killed him. He used to beat me. 381 00:23:51,392 --> 00:23:54,270 So one night I just pushed him into the wood chipper. 382 00:23:55,062 --> 00:23:56,397 Told the cops he fell. 383 00:23:57,439 --> 00:23:58,440 Good for you. 384 00:23:58,899 --> 00:24:03,487 But he used to be a police sketch artist. He was damn good too. 385 00:24:03,737 --> 00:24:08,159 Victims gave him the worst descriptions and he'd draw them like photographs. 386 00:24:08,409 --> 00:24:12,538 He could do anything. You know? Like age progression and- 387 00:24:12,746 --> 00:24:15,499 That's what I'll do for my parents. How much that cost? 388 00:24:17,126 --> 00:24:18,586 About 360 bucks. 389 00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:21,672 Then that's what I need to make. Thank you. 390 00:24:21,922 --> 00:24:24,383 Sorry I can't buy your beautiful Hemi. 391 00:24:24,758 --> 00:24:27,136 Oh, no. You can. 392 00:24:27,344 --> 00:24:29,430 Give me what's in your pocket and she's yours. 393 00:24:29,638 --> 00:24:30,514 For real?! 394 00:24:32,808 --> 00:24:35,769 You hear that, Charlie? We got us a Hemi, brother. 395 00:24:36,103 --> 00:24:37,897 That lady gave me a great idea. 396 00:24:38,105 --> 00:24:39,940 Dirt! Storm's coming in! 397 00:24:40,149 --> 00:24:43,485 Get up on that roof and put some bricks in the tooth! 398 00:24:57,791 --> 00:24:58,792 My tooth! 399 00:24:58,959 --> 00:25:00,377 My tooth! 400 00:25:01,629 --> 00:25:03,589 Back! Go back! 401 00:25:06,509 --> 00:25:08,511 I can see down your shirt! 402 00:25:08,886 --> 00:25:09,887 What an ass! 403 00:25:10,346 --> 00:25:12,806 Hey, boss, I'm going on a break! 404 00:25:23,817 --> 00:25:25,903 Airplane! Help me! 405 00:25:37,498 --> 00:25:39,333 Oh, that's not professional. 406 00:25:56,934 --> 00:25:59,019 I'd floated all the way to North Dakota. 407 00:25:59,228 --> 00:26:03,023 There I was, scared to death as I dropped like a stone from the sky. 408 00:26:07,027 --> 00:26:08,529 Go back! Go back! 409 00:26:18,205 --> 00:26:20,166 Then an amazing thing happened. 410 00:26:20,374 --> 00:26:23,043 I landed by an oil rig, and they was hiring people. 411 00:26:23,252 --> 00:26:25,546 The wage was like a sign from above... 412 00:26:26,755 --> 00:26:28,755 ...that I was meant to find my parents. 413 00:26:30,259 --> 00:26:31,844 Hey, Joe, come on down! 414 00:26:32,052 --> 00:26:33,512 Get the drill! 415 00:26:37,224 --> 00:26:39,393 Yeah, baby. Come on now. Get loose. 416 00:26:41,228 --> 00:26:45,191 Whoops, that's me! I got it! It's pumping. I'll pay for this! 417 00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:47,234 I'm new! 418 00:26:47,568 --> 00:26:49,904 I'm new! I don't know what to do! 419 00:26:56,118 --> 00:26:58,412 You done with that apple core? 420 00:26:59,580 --> 00:27:01,749 I'm done with that fart. Want that? 421 00:27:02,458 --> 00:27:05,544 Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite. 422 00:27:05,753 --> 00:27:07,630 You probably like J.R., you queer. 423 00:27:07,838 --> 00:27:11,842 I saw your bumper sticker: "Cowboys' butts drive me nuts." 424 00:27:12,092 --> 00:27:15,638 Is that right? You think that's queer? Is this queer? 425 00:27:15,846 --> 00:27:18,098 They're larging and charging, looking for chickies. 426 00:27:19,016 --> 00:27:20,059 You want to back that up? 427 00:27:20,267 --> 00:27:23,646 Want to fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air? 428 00:27:23,979 --> 00:27:26,273 That's it. You and me. Let's go. 429 00:27:27,149 --> 00:27:29,652 I'd love to beat your ass up and down this place. 430 00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:31,403 I got to go back to work. 431 00:27:31,779 --> 00:27:35,449 Joe Dirt. You're fired. Here's your week's pay. 432 00:27:38,869 --> 00:27:39,870 Dang. 433 00:27:46,126 --> 00:27:47,962 What's up here? What's down there? 434 00:27:48,295 --> 00:27:50,506 What's going on, man? Here I come. 435 00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:58,472 Luckily, my neck broke my fall. 436 00:28:01,016 --> 00:28:02,977 I guess you won the battle. 437 00:28:04,019 --> 00:28:05,187 But I won the war. 438 00:28:05,396 --> 00:28:08,858 If you're covered in oil, don't stand next to a fire. 439 00:28:10,818 --> 00:28:12,987 Now that's day-one stuff. 440 00:28:17,658 --> 00:28:20,703 Keep that Skoal, baby. That's what I'm talking about. 441 00:28:24,331 --> 00:28:28,169 So I had my 360 bucks. The next day I would try the police sketch thing. 442 00:28:28,377 --> 00:28:29,920 But something happened to my head. 443 00:28:30,171 --> 00:28:33,966 I spent the night in what I thought was an abandoned circus tent. 444 00:28:34,175 --> 00:28:36,010 But I guess it was no circus. 445 00:28:36,218 --> 00:28:38,679 I was totally bombed on insecticide, I think. 446 00:28:45,186 --> 00:28:49,440 So needless to say, I was in no shape to do any good with my recollections. 447 00:28:50,357 --> 00:28:52,818 The police sketcher thought I was messing with him... 448 00:28:53,068 --> 00:28:55,779 ...because my dad came out looking like Father Time... 449 00:28:56,030 --> 00:28:57,573 ...and my mom came out too butch... 450 00:28:57,781 --> 00:29:01,869 ...looking like Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. Remember him? 451 00:29:03,537 --> 00:29:07,374 As my head cleared, I realized I needed a different approach. 452 00:29:07,583 --> 00:29:10,669 Then I got a brainstorm: Hire an Indian tracker to help me. 453 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,130 Great idea. They could find anything. 454 00:29:13,380 --> 00:29:17,009 It's like in the movies. So I headed for a reservation. 455 00:29:23,224 --> 00:29:27,561 You want me to put my ear to the ground, listen for hoof beats... 456 00:29:27,770 --> 00:29:29,230 ...check for footprints... 457 00:29:29,563 --> 00:29:31,774 ...look for broken twigs? 458 00:29:32,107 --> 00:29:36,570 But this is the modern age. That stuff doesn't work anymore. 459 00:29:36,779 --> 00:29:40,407 Which is why I had to open this fireworks stand. 460 00:29:40,783 --> 00:29:43,452 I wasn't getting by on my tracking wages. 461 00:29:43,661 --> 00:29:46,997 Come on. You're supposed to be good at tracking stuff, man. 462 00:29:47,248 --> 00:29:48,874 I gotta find my parents. 463 00:29:49,083 --> 00:29:54,088 I need a way to sell more fireworks. I'm going broke with this venture also. 464 00:29:54,296 --> 00:29:58,884 I see you got snakes and sparklers, but where's the good stuff, man? 465 00:29:59,093 --> 00:30:02,847 Good stuff. This is the good stuff. Snakes and sparklers. 466 00:30:03,097 --> 00:30:06,141 Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that explodes, go boom. 467 00:30:06,350 --> 00:30:08,769 - Why is that good? - Well... 468 00:30:09,645 --> 00:30:13,274 Well, you might as well ask why is the tree good? 469 00:30:13,482 --> 00:30:15,693 Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? 470 00:30:17,486 --> 00:30:21,407 Firecrackers. You stick them in mailboxes, drop them in toilets... 471 00:30:21,615 --> 00:30:23,409 ...shove them up a bullfrog's ass. 472 00:30:23,617 --> 00:30:26,662 I'd never do that because I'm going to be a veterinarian. 473 00:30:26,871 --> 00:30:28,164 There you go. 474 00:30:28,372 --> 00:30:32,084 Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces... 475 00:30:32,293 --> 00:30:36,547 ...he comes back to you to fix it. You win twice, brother. It's good biz. 476 00:30:37,006 --> 00:30:42,136 You're saying you have no black cats, Roman candles or screaming meemies? 477 00:30:42,887 --> 00:30:46,348 Come on. You don't got no ladyfingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs... 478 00:30:46,557 --> 00:30:50,102 ...church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers? 479 00:30:50,311 --> 00:30:51,520 No, I don't. 480 00:30:51,812 --> 00:30:55,357 You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand... 481 00:30:55,566 --> 00:30:57,902 ...and say you have no whistling bungholes... 482 00:30:58,152 --> 00:31:02,823 ...spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, hookey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don'ts. 483 00:31:02,990 --> 00:31:06,160 Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick... 484 00:31:06,368 --> 00:31:08,829 ...or one single whistling kitty-chaser? 485 00:31:09,997 --> 00:31:10,998 No. 486 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,961 Because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like. 487 00:31:16,212 --> 00:31:18,589 That might be your problem. 488 00:31:18,839 --> 00:31:21,717 It's not what you like. It's the consumer. 489 00:31:23,677 --> 00:31:28,140 Look there. That's happening. We should get bleachers over here. 490 00:31:28,349 --> 00:31:30,809 People come from miles around to see this. 491 00:31:31,018 --> 00:31:35,022 Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke. Oh, dang. It's out. 492 00:31:35,231 --> 00:31:37,691 CNN will turn around and go home now. 493 00:31:37,900 --> 00:31:39,860 I saw a snail over there. He said: 494 00:31:40,236 --> 00:31:44,281 "That thing's slow, it ain't moving fast, it's boring, dull, I'm yawning." 495 00:31:44,532 --> 00:31:47,451 - That's a snail watching that. - There's a snail in the desert? 496 00:31:47,701 --> 00:31:51,163 A spaceship dropped him off. Focus on the right part of the story, brother. 497 00:31:51,705 --> 00:31:53,916 - And the snail can talk? - Yeah. 498 00:31:54,124 --> 00:31:57,086 The aliens gave him powers. They made a voice spot. 499 00:31:57,294 --> 00:32:00,673 Dude, I'm just saying it's dull. All right? This ain't fun. 500 00:32:00,881 --> 00:32:02,716 Look at that little piece of char. 501 00:32:02,925 --> 00:32:05,469 You need explosions, stuff going on. 502 00:32:05,719 --> 00:32:09,265 No wonder this thing's going under. You got nothing. It's wussy stuff. 503 00:32:13,102 --> 00:32:14,562 I got these two sticks. 504 00:32:14,728 --> 00:32:19,275 Dang. These are yours? These are Roman candles! It's good stuff! 505 00:32:19,775 --> 00:32:22,152 This thing full of lighter fluid. 506 00:32:26,157 --> 00:32:29,410 The Roman candle. Step back a little bit. 507 00:32:32,413 --> 00:32:34,206 That's what I'm talking about! 508 00:32:34,415 --> 00:32:35,749 It's beautiful. 509 00:32:35,958 --> 00:32:40,171 Beautiful? I'm looking for righteously kick-ass. You know what we need? 510 00:32:40,421 --> 00:32:43,549 Gasoline. Yeah. 511 00:32:45,426 --> 00:32:47,595 Breakfast of champions. 512 00:32:47,970 --> 00:32:51,974 All right, you might want to take a few extra steps back on this one. 513 00:33:01,442 --> 00:33:04,987 Man. What'd I trip over? 514 00:33:05,196 --> 00:33:08,199 There's something metal sticking out of the ground. 515 00:33:09,950 --> 00:33:11,452 You okay? 516 00:33:12,995 --> 00:33:15,122 What is this thing, man? 517 00:33:15,539 --> 00:33:20,503 We should take it over to the lab over in the next town. Los Alamos. 518 00:33:21,754 --> 00:33:22,630 That symbol looks very stern. 519 00:33:22,838 --> 00:33:26,091 That's definitely what we should do. That's the right thing. 520 00:33:26,300 --> 00:33:27,259 But first... 521 00:33:28,969 --> 00:33:31,305 Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket. 522 00:33:33,140 --> 00:33:35,392 We'll shoot fireballs at it. 523 00:33:35,643 --> 00:33:38,145 We got to step way back. It'll be fun. 524 00:33:47,696 --> 00:33:49,782 Look at that shit! 525 00:33:50,157 --> 00:33:54,078 Oh, man, we're going to get so busted. Let's get out of here. 526 00:34:07,842 --> 00:34:09,301 What happened, man? 527 00:34:09,510 --> 00:34:12,972 You tripped over that object in the ground. You're knocked out. 528 00:34:15,516 --> 00:34:18,060 That thing's an atom bomb, man. 529 00:34:20,104 --> 00:34:21,522 I got an idea. 530 00:34:22,523 --> 00:34:24,692 "Rubbernecker's tour bus..." 531 00:34:24,900 --> 00:34:28,112 "... the Grand Canyon's number one purveyor of fine bus tours." 532 00:34:28,863 --> 00:34:31,657 I still don't see why we're going to their tour bus company. 533 00:34:31,866 --> 00:34:35,703 Don't you see? All the tourists at the Canyon that day my parents lost me... 534 00:34:35,911 --> 00:34:37,079 ...they had cameras. 535 00:34:37,288 --> 00:34:39,790 You can't tell me in all those pictures they took... 536 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:44,170 ...there won't be some that accidentally have me and my parents. 537 00:34:44,378 --> 00:34:47,464 The company will have records of who used the tour that day. 538 00:34:47,715 --> 00:34:49,842 That was more than ten years ago. 539 00:34:50,050 --> 00:34:52,803 Besides, they won't just hand the records over to us. 540 00:34:53,053 --> 00:34:55,139 We're just an Indian and some guy. 541 00:34:55,389 --> 00:34:59,852 You can't have "no" in your heart. "No" is not an option, brother. 542 00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:02,313 You're not just an Indian, you're Kicking Wing. 543 00:35:02,646 --> 00:35:06,108 All right? And one day, you'll be Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor. 544 00:35:06,317 --> 00:35:08,736 Then you should change your name to Kicking Ass. 545 00:35:14,116 --> 00:35:19,079 Oh, man! Swerve them potholes. You know, because of the atom bomb. 546 00:35:29,423 --> 00:35:34,178 One swing and this here ball-peen hammer will trigger this A-bomb... 547 00:35:34,428 --> 00:35:37,890 ...and it'll blow up the whole city, maybe even half the country. 548 00:35:38,098 --> 00:35:39,266 Now here's what I need. 549 00:35:39,475 --> 00:35:41,435 I need you to give me the records... 550 00:35:41,602 --> 00:35:45,022 ...of everybody who toured the Grand Canyon on them buses... 551 00:35:45,272 --> 00:35:47,191 ...June 13, 1979. 552 00:35:48,984 --> 00:35:52,905 I'm not messing around. I hit it and it goes bang. All right? 553 00:35:53,823 --> 00:35:55,825 Now while I'm up here waiting... 554 00:35:57,618 --> 00:35:58,953 - You. - Me? 555 00:35:59,119 --> 00:36:00,788 Show me them boobies. 556 00:36:11,465 --> 00:36:14,510 Now even you liked the way that chick looked. Didn't you? 557 00:36:14,718 --> 00:36:16,387 "Even me?" What's that mean? 558 00:36:16,637 --> 00:36:20,349 Just saying, I'm beginning to doubt your hetero street credentials. 559 00:36:20,558 --> 00:36:22,268 You never put the moves on Brandy. 560 00:36:22,476 --> 00:36:24,603 Well, she's too beautiful. 561 00:36:24,812 --> 00:36:25,855 She's way too hot for me. 562 00:36:26,063 --> 00:36:28,607 He has no idea that Brandy even likes him. 563 00:36:28,816 --> 00:36:31,652 - His voice is so sexy. - I wonder what he looks like. 564 00:36:32,153 --> 00:36:33,696 You're there with an atom bomb. 565 00:36:34,155 --> 00:36:37,074 Could be fat man or little boy. We'll nail that down later. 566 00:36:37,324 --> 00:36:39,160 Did you get the names you wanted? 567 00:36:39,368 --> 00:36:42,037 Yeah, I did, but by the way, it was no atom bomb. 568 00:36:42,246 --> 00:36:46,208 Turns out some skateboarder slapped a Biohazard band sticker... 569 00:36:46,375 --> 00:36:49,545 ...on the side of this septic tank for an RV. 570 00:36:49,753 --> 00:36:51,964 Cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away. 571 00:36:52,173 --> 00:36:54,508 Yeah. Who hasn't seen that scenario played out? 572 00:36:54,842 --> 00:36:57,261 It's just an old crapper tank, people. 573 00:37:01,682 --> 00:37:03,934 - It's poo! - Take it away! 574 00:37:04,185 --> 00:37:05,269 Stop it! 575 00:37:05,519 --> 00:37:09,231 - It stinks! Get it out of here! - Somebody help me! Help me! 576 00:37:10,691 --> 00:37:14,028 Is it done? How much is in there? 577 00:37:14,236 --> 00:37:16,280 I got the poo on me. 578 00:37:16,530 --> 00:37:18,491 You are so pathetic. 579 00:37:18,699 --> 00:37:20,242 They decided not to arrest me. 580 00:37:20,451 --> 00:37:23,245 They said being covered in that stinky stuff was punishment enough. 581 00:37:23,454 --> 00:37:24,413 Don't you get it? 582 00:37:24,622 --> 00:37:28,501 Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal: 583 00:37:28,709 --> 00:37:31,879 You are an underachievement nexus in the universe. 584 00:37:32,087 --> 00:37:34,048 It'll always be like this, Joey. 585 00:37:34,256 --> 00:37:37,551 But you got to keep going. I won't quit. That's not an option. 586 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:41,555 You gotta keep on keeping on. Life's a garden, dig it, make it work for you. 587 00:37:41,722 --> 00:37:45,142 You never give up, man. That's my philosophy. You hear that? 588 00:37:45,392 --> 00:37:48,437 What drives me crazy and fascinates me at the same time... 589 00:37:48,646 --> 00:37:52,775 ...is you are so unrelentingly upbeat about your plight. 590 00:37:54,276 --> 00:37:57,863 I need more. I'll be honest, I want to see you in here tomorrow. 591 00:37:58,072 --> 00:38:00,658 I want to hear more of the saga of Joe Dirt. 592 00:38:01,242 --> 00:38:02,451 All right. Thanks, guys. 593 00:38:04,328 --> 00:38:05,371 All right, Joe. 594 00:38:06,247 --> 00:38:07,289 Yeah, baby. 595 00:39:09,852 --> 00:39:12,897 You're listening to the Zander Kelly show on KXLA. 596 00:39:13,147 --> 00:39:17,693 All right. Good morning, troops. This is Zander Kelly, and you, of course... 597 00:39:17,902 --> 00:39:22,031 ...are careening headlong into another hellish day in that tiny existence... 598 00:39:22,531 --> 00:39:24,408 ...you laughingly refer to... 599 00:39:24,617 --> 00:39:27,286 ...as your life. I'm here with Joe Dirt. 600 00:39:27,745 --> 00:39:31,415 The tale couldn't be told in one day. We asked you back today. 601 00:39:31,624 --> 00:39:35,753 The joint looks great, the toilets are freshly scrubbed... 602 00:39:35,961 --> 00:39:38,130 ...the floor is spic-and-span... 603 00:39:38,339 --> 00:39:40,799 Did you use the stuff with the tiny scrubbing bubbles? 604 00:39:41,008 --> 00:39:44,428 They clean the bowl so you don't have to! 605 00:39:45,221 --> 00:39:46,555 - No, I didn't. - Yesterday- 606 00:39:46,931 --> 00:39:51,477 Provide a back-story for the listeners. You were covered in crap... 607 00:39:51,685 --> 00:39:55,564 ...and you're a complete loser. Have I nailed the pertinent facts? 608 00:39:55,773 --> 00:39:59,985 Let me emphasize to the listeners those are your words, not mine. 609 00:40:00,736 --> 00:40:01,862 Sorry, Billy Jack. 610 00:40:02,071 --> 00:40:04,782 So now you have a bunch of names... 611 00:40:04,990 --> 00:40:08,828 ...of people who might have a photograph of you and your parents. 612 00:40:09,078 --> 00:40:12,540 Right, a big bunch of names. So now I got to span the country... 613 00:40:12,748 --> 00:40:16,585 ...to find these people to see if anybody's got a photo from that day. 614 00:40:17,419 --> 00:40:21,090 "Anderson, Anders, Aznoff..." 615 00:40:21,298 --> 00:40:26,345 You mean, all these people were on them tour buses that day? 616 00:40:26,554 --> 00:40:29,348 It will take forever, man. But I got to do it. 617 00:40:30,099 --> 00:40:31,475 I wish you luck. 618 00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:33,894 I hope you find what you're looking for. 619 00:40:34,103 --> 00:40:36,313 Remember that town you're always talking about. 620 00:40:36,522 --> 00:40:39,441 - Yeah, Silvertown, man. - Yes, Silvertown. 621 00:40:39,650 --> 00:40:41,861 You make it sound wonderful. 622 00:40:42,069 --> 00:40:44,321 So you've always got Silvertown. 623 00:40:44,530 --> 00:40:46,198 Remember that, Joe Dirt. 624 00:40:46,407 --> 00:40:50,035 You remember to keep on keeping on, and you'll be a veterinarian. 625 00:40:50,244 --> 00:40:52,580 I believe people get what they really want. 626 00:40:52,788 --> 00:40:55,916 Especially a cool guy like you, Kicking Wing. You know what? 627 00:40:56,125 --> 00:40:58,961 You're my first real friend, outside of Charlie and Brandy. 628 00:41:08,095 --> 00:41:10,139 That's good. Good stuff. 629 00:41:10,639 --> 00:41:12,725 That hug was completely asexual. 630 00:41:12,933 --> 00:41:14,393 He kind of snuck it up on me. 631 00:41:14,602 --> 00:41:16,896 Whatever you gotta tell yourself. 632 00:41:18,731 --> 00:41:20,649 I love you, Joe Dirt! 633 00:41:26,655 --> 00:41:28,240 I hit the road with my names list... 634 00:41:28,449 --> 00:41:31,785 ...looking for tourists who might have photos of my folks. 635 00:41:32,453 --> 00:41:35,706 I hit pay dirt when I got a job with a traveling carnival. 636 00:41:35,915 --> 00:41:38,167 That's when things got a little weird. 637 00:42:34,557 --> 00:42:35,599 Dang. 638 00:42:45,109 --> 00:42:46,777 Can I go again? Please? 639 00:42:46,986 --> 00:42:48,904 No. It's time to go home. 640 00:42:49,113 --> 00:42:52,616 I got you. Who's this chick over here? Is that your girlfriend? 641 00:42:52,825 --> 00:42:55,327 You should see my girlfriend. You'd shit yourself. 642 00:42:55,911 --> 00:42:59,039 Really? I tell you what: I'll give you a free spin. 643 00:42:59,248 --> 00:43:01,167 I'll talk to your lady friend. 644 00:43:05,421 --> 00:43:07,548 Good job, sir. Keep them straight. 645 00:43:07,756 --> 00:43:08,757 Good strategy. 646 00:43:08,924 --> 00:43:11,969 The carnival worker life keeps me free and untethered. 647 00:43:12,553 --> 00:43:17,600 That's why I was attracted to you. I could tell you were an outlaw. 648 00:43:17,808 --> 00:43:20,686 Is that right? I'm kind of an outlaw through and through, baby. 649 00:43:21,937 --> 00:43:24,440 - Damn! - Good toss there, sir. Good one. 650 00:43:24,648 --> 00:43:27,485 You know, society's got no hold on this outlaw. 651 00:43:28,444 --> 00:43:30,779 - Damn it! - All right. Real close. 652 00:43:31,238 --> 00:43:35,201 I'm like a bird. Actually more like a hard-ass pterodactyl. 653 00:43:36,285 --> 00:43:37,369 This is bullshit! 654 00:43:37,620 --> 00:43:41,040 God forbid you don't win after throwing only two quarters, man. 655 00:43:41,248 --> 00:43:43,584 It's a business. It ain't UNICEF. 656 00:43:43,792 --> 00:43:45,669 I got a good mind to take my outlaw... 657 00:43:45,878 --> 00:43:48,756 Yeah, you better walk away, hard-ass. 658 00:43:50,174 --> 00:43:51,634 - Some people. Right? - I know. 659 00:43:54,553 --> 00:43:57,139 So later on today I'll pick up my Hemi Roadrunner. 660 00:43:57,348 --> 00:43:59,183 That's right. I said Hemi. 661 00:43:59,808 --> 00:44:01,060 A Hemi. 662 00:44:01,519 --> 00:44:03,145 Balls to the wall. 663 00:44:03,521 --> 00:44:06,941 I left it here. Friend's house. Got towed two years ago. 664 00:44:07,149 --> 00:44:09,527 But I'll pick it up this afternoon. 665 00:44:09,735 --> 00:44:12,780 I might need a pretty little lady to sit on the front seat with me... 666 00:44:12,988 --> 00:44:15,825 ...while I break her in. The car, I mean. 667 00:44:16,408 --> 00:44:17,701 What do you say? 668 00:44:18,869 --> 00:44:20,412 That's a big ten-four. 669 00:44:24,083 --> 00:44:27,002 I got a big date tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride. 670 00:44:27,378 --> 00:44:28,379 License and registration. 671 00:44:28,587 --> 00:44:29,922 Yes, sir. 672 00:44:30,130 --> 00:44:32,341 She'll freak out when she sees my wheels. 673 00:44:34,426 --> 00:44:37,388 Total impound fees come to $3496. 674 00:44:37,596 --> 00:44:39,515 Plus 35 bucks for the tow. 675 00:44:39,723 --> 00:44:42,226 3000! That's more I paid for the whole car! 676 00:44:43,686 --> 00:44:46,814 - Interesting. Want it or not? - Well, yeah, but... 677 00:44:47,022 --> 00:44:49,275 ...I think all I got's like 450 bucks. 678 00:44:49,483 --> 00:44:51,402 This is a business, not a charity. 679 00:44:51,610 --> 00:44:54,196 Maybe one day UNICEF will get into the impound business... 680 00:44:54,405 --> 00:44:57,116 ...but until then, we're the people to see. 681 00:44:59,201 --> 00:45:03,247 I tell you what I could do. I could sell you a car for 450 bucks, but... 682 00:45:04,206 --> 00:45:05,374 ...it won't be no Hemi. 683 00:45:20,014 --> 00:45:21,432 I thought you had a Hemi. 684 00:45:21,932 --> 00:45:25,436 Yeah, I had to have a footprint gas pedal installed. 685 00:45:25,644 --> 00:45:27,062 So I stole this pile. 686 00:45:29,607 --> 00:45:31,317 My outlaw. 687 00:45:32,735 --> 00:45:34,403 That's right. Let's go. 688 00:45:40,868 --> 00:45:43,162 So I had fun tonight. 689 00:45:43,370 --> 00:45:46,749 Even though you took me to the carnival that I was already at. 690 00:45:46,916 --> 00:45:50,878 I had fun too. Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question? 691 00:45:51,212 --> 00:45:54,423 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 692 00:45:54,632 --> 00:45:57,051 Sure would. Want to go to my place? 693 00:45:57,259 --> 00:45:58,719 Sure do. 694 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,310 All right, so finish your story. Why do you live with foster parents? 695 00:46:06,519 --> 00:46:08,896 Because when I was nine or ten years old... 696 00:46:09,104 --> 00:46:13,025 ...my parents pulled over to look at the big dinosaur in California. 697 00:46:13,234 --> 00:46:15,277 The next thing I knew, they're gone. 698 00:46:16,612 --> 00:46:18,239 Wait a minute. Did you have a brother? 699 00:46:18,447 --> 00:46:22,284 I did. So, you want to go back in the house? 700 00:46:22,493 --> 00:46:24,286 We can have sex. 701 00:46:26,956 --> 00:46:31,001 She's your sister, dude! She's gotta be! You made out with her! 702 00:46:31,210 --> 00:46:33,879 What's wrong with you, you pervert?! 703 00:46:34,129 --> 00:46:38,133 I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. 704 00:46:38,342 --> 00:46:41,262 And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet. 705 00:46:42,012 --> 00:46:47,184 You just said your sister's hot! What a freak! You're going to hell, man! 706 00:46:47,977 --> 00:46:50,813 I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. 707 00:46:51,021 --> 00:46:54,650 And for God's sakes, I gotta treat her like a sister. 708 00:47:01,866 --> 00:47:03,868 We've got questions coming in from... 709 00:47:04,076 --> 00:47:06,453 The phones are going nuts. That was a bombshell. 710 00:47:06,662 --> 00:47:08,747 Wait, man. I found out later... 711 00:47:08,956 --> 00:47:10,624 ...she wasn't my sister. 712 00:47:10,833 --> 00:47:11,834 Thank God! 713 00:47:12,042 --> 00:47:15,337 Thank God, dude. That was gonna be a little much. 714 00:47:15,754 --> 00:47:19,383 So I did a real bad thing there because... 715 00:47:19,675 --> 00:47:21,886 ...I think you're my sister. 716 00:47:22,970 --> 00:47:25,431 Is that all? No. 717 00:47:25,639 --> 00:47:28,851 My family's last name is Buckwalter. My brother's name is Cletus. 718 00:47:29,059 --> 00:47:33,230 So you see, we're not related. We can have sex again. 719 00:47:39,987 --> 00:47:43,157 Joe, what's the matter? Don't I turn you on? 720 00:47:43,365 --> 00:47:45,826 I don't know what the problem is. 721 00:47:46,035 --> 00:47:49,455 Would it help if you went back to thinking I'm your sister? 722 00:47:49,705 --> 00:47:52,541 Like I'm some sort of white-trash perv?! 723 00:47:52,750 --> 00:47:55,002 I'm your sister. I'm your sister. 724 00:47:55,211 --> 00:47:57,087 Oh, you're my sister! 725 00:47:58,214 --> 00:47:59,715 I'm kidding. 726 00:47:59,924 --> 00:48:02,801 I just made that last part up for laughs, you guys. 727 00:48:03,427 --> 00:48:07,765 Let's break it off for today. Haul your mangy ass in here tomorrow... 728 00:48:08,224 --> 00:48:13,479 ...and we will continue the fascinating saga that I'm now referring to as... 729 00:48:13,729 --> 00:48:15,940 ...the legend of Dirty Joe. 730 00:48:41,507 --> 00:48:45,177 Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message. 731 00:48:45,886 --> 00:48:49,557 Hey, Brandy, it's Joe. I'm out in L.A. 732 00:48:49,765 --> 00:48:53,352 They got me on the radio station telling my story to everybody. 733 00:48:53,853 --> 00:48:56,438 I didn't get to the sad part yet. 734 00:48:56,647 --> 00:49:00,109 I'm guessing you had reasons for doing what you did. 735 00:49:01,235 --> 00:49:04,738 And I guess I'm just calling to say goodbye. 736 00:49:05,614 --> 00:49:07,449 I miss you, Brandy. 737 00:49:21,589 --> 00:49:24,758 You're listening to the Zander Kelly show on KXLA. 738 00:49:24,967 --> 00:49:29,555 Good morning, L.A. Zander here. We're sitting with the king of dirt-balls... 739 00:49:29,763 --> 00:49:32,516 ...Mr. Joe Dirt. You know, last night I went home... 740 00:49:32,725 --> 00:49:36,437 ...rented Andromeda Strain just so I could simulate immersion... 741 00:49:36,645 --> 00:49:40,107 ...into that bacteriologically unsound world you call your day-to-day life. 742 00:49:40,316 --> 00:49:43,402 I know where you live. I've got you in my crosshairs now. 743 00:49:43,611 --> 00:49:46,280 We're gonna go back to your story. Pick it up. 744 00:49:46,489 --> 00:49:47,823 Now what really happened was... 745 00:49:48,157 --> 00:49:51,660 ...I had a car now, so I left to go running down the names on my list... 746 00:49:51,869 --> 00:49:54,580 ...looking for people who took those photos at the Grand Canyon. 747 00:49:54,788 --> 00:49:57,041 Somewhere in Indiana, I hit a snag. 748 00:49:57,249 --> 00:50:00,586 I found a guy who had pictures, but he turned out to be a freak. 749 00:50:01,962 --> 00:50:03,631 I guess this is the place. 750 00:50:03,839 --> 00:50:06,050 Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name. 751 00:50:06,258 --> 00:50:09,261 But people say Joe Dirt's a weird name. And how cool am I? 752 00:50:10,221 --> 00:50:11,222 Excuse me, sir? 753 00:50:12,139 --> 00:50:13,349 Hey, there, young fella. 754 00:50:13,557 --> 00:50:15,851 I'm looking for Buffalo Bob. 755 00:50:16,060 --> 00:50:18,437 Real name's Tim. How can I help you? 756 00:50:18,646 --> 00:50:22,024 I want to talk to you about the time you went to the Grand Canyon. 757 00:50:22,441 --> 00:50:23,651 Why don't you come inside? 758 00:50:23,859 --> 00:50:26,195 - What did you say your name was? - Joe Dirt. 759 00:50:28,113 --> 00:50:29,573 Joe Dirt. 760 00:50:29,782 --> 00:50:35,079 It puts the lotion on. You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you! 761 00:50:35,287 --> 00:50:39,500 Oh, all right! Enough, you broken record! Okay! 762 00:50:39,708 --> 00:50:42,044 I've been here two weeks. What do you want? 763 00:50:42,253 --> 00:50:45,047 It put the lotion on its skin. Now! 764 00:50:45,256 --> 00:50:49,260 Well, say it, don't spray it, brother. Dang. 765 00:50:49,468 --> 00:50:52,179 - I need a towel now. - It does what it's told! 766 00:50:54,139 --> 00:50:58,769 There, look, I'm putting the lotion on the skin. I'm rubbing it in. 767 00:51:02,731 --> 00:51:06,026 To tell you the truth, brother, between you and me... 768 00:51:06,235 --> 00:51:09,655 ...that thing with the dog is coming off a little fruity. 769 00:51:10,072 --> 00:51:11,240 That's just me talking. 770 00:51:12,950 --> 00:51:16,745 Where's my supplies? Come on. I thought we had a deal. 771 00:51:17,037 --> 00:51:19,915 Oh, for Christ's sake! Here! 772 00:51:22,042 --> 00:51:25,588 Yee! Auto Trader Ooh, August. I don't got this one. 773 00:51:25,796 --> 00:51:27,256 There are some deals in here. 774 00:51:27,464 --> 00:51:30,926 Oh, check this out. "'71 'Cuda, plum crazy purple." 775 00:51:31,093 --> 00:51:33,053 This guy wants fourteen grand. 776 00:51:33,262 --> 00:51:37,933 What?! I give him $7500. I used to have one of these. This guy's crazy. 777 00:51:38,142 --> 00:51:41,270 We have the place surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air. 778 00:51:44,940 --> 00:51:46,775 Hey, a little help? 779 00:51:47,943 --> 00:51:49,945 - Get him! - Man in a hole. 780 00:51:50,446 --> 00:51:53,199 - Down here. - Stay on your back. 781 00:51:53,449 --> 00:51:55,284 I hear people. 782 00:51:57,953 --> 00:52:00,372 It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole. 783 00:52:01,665 --> 00:52:03,250 He was gonna flay you alive... 784 00:52:03,459 --> 00:52:06,587 ...and use your skin to cover himself like a Joe Dirt trench coat. 785 00:52:06,795 --> 00:52:10,674 That's gross, man. I think these are pictures from the Grand Canyon. 786 00:52:10,883 --> 00:52:14,720 He's taken hundreds of photos over the years, looking for skin he liked. 787 00:52:14,929 --> 00:52:18,682 He wanted to wear skin with the wiener tucked under, kind of like a woman. 788 00:52:18,974 --> 00:52:20,476 That's sick, man. 789 00:52:20,768 --> 00:52:22,686 I think that's little me in a garbage can. 790 00:52:24,355 --> 00:52:27,358 No way! And that's my dad and my mom. 791 00:52:27,775 --> 00:52:30,486 And this is our car. And it's got... 792 00:52:31,070 --> 00:52:32,488 ...Louisiana plates. 793 00:52:32,696 --> 00:52:34,824 Hell, yeah! I'm going to Louisiana! 794 00:52:40,246 --> 00:52:41,997 So I cruised down to New Orleans... 795 00:52:42,206 --> 00:52:45,960 ...and found a base of operations for my search at a local grade school. 796 00:52:46,168 --> 00:52:48,420 I was going to be a janitor. 797 00:52:48,796 --> 00:52:52,508 Mostly mopping. Once in a while, you got a problem with the boiler. 798 00:52:52,716 --> 00:52:55,052 You have to hit it with a hammer. But it's a good job. 799 00:52:55,261 --> 00:52:57,638 Yeah, it's all right. I appreciate this job, man. 800 00:52:57,847 --> 00:53:00,975 This'll be a good base for me while I look for my parents. 801 00:53:01,183 --> 00:53:02,852 I got a picture of them. 802 00:53:09,275 --> 00:53:10,526 I don't recognize them. 803 00:53:11,861 --> 00:53:14,697 If you find them, you'll tell them what happened to you? 804 00:53:16,657 --> 00:53:20,244 That Buffalo Bob thing? There's not much to tell. 805 00:53:20,452 --> 00:53:21,829 I heard some things. 806 00:53:22,037 --> 00:53:24,081 It's not good. He's a bad guy. 807 00:53:24,290 --> 00:53:26,417 What exactly did you hear? 808 00:53:26,625 --> 00:53:28,794 The past is past. The future's now. 809 00:53:30,421 --> 00:53:32,965 That's true. Amen to that. 810 00:53:33,674 --> 00:53:37,303 Are you from around here? Your accent sounds like New York. 811 00:53:37,511 --> 00:53:39,096 No. From here. 812 00:53:39,305 --> 00:53:42,766 Born and raised, though not here. 813 00:53:42,975 --> 00:53:44,685 Over in Kansas. 814 00:53:46,896 --> 00:53:47,938 Is this your wife? 815 00:53:48,647 --> 00:53:49,982 Ex-wife. 816 00:53:50,191 --> 00:53:54,069 She was shot six times. New York City. I mean Kansas. 817 00:53:56,030 --> 00:54:00,409 She was something. Her eyes were something azure, you know? 818 00:54:00,576 --> 00:54:03,662 Honey-blonde hair. Her body. 819 00:54:04,497 --> 00:54:06,916 Her legs went on for days. 820 00:54:07,249 --> 00:54:11,921 If she was here right now, maybe we'd have a house with a little fence... 821 00:54:12,129 --> 00:54:14,423 ...up in Silvertown, that place you talk about. 822 00:54:15,007 --> 00:54:17,009 That's a nice place. 823 00:54:19,136 --> 00:54:20,471 You really loved her. 824 00:54:20,804 --> 00:54:21,805 I miss her. 825 00:54:23,766 --> 00:54:28,604 Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria again. We need a cleanup right away. 826 00:54:29,271 --> 00:54:30,272 I'm on it. 827 00:54:33,317 --> 00:54:34,443 That's you. 828 00:54:40,282 --> 00:54:43,369 - I'm Joe. Where's the throw up? - Over there. 829 00:54:43,577 --> 00:54:45,454 I'll clean it up lickety-split. 830 00:54:45,788 --> 00:54:48,624 Speaking of lickety-split, let's meet up later, see what's going on. 831 00:54:48,833 --> 00:54:51,252 I'm kidding. But seriously, let's hook up. 832 00:54:51,460 --> 00:54:54,463 I'm new in town, kind of lonely, looking for my parents. 833 00:54:56,090 --> 00:54:59,802 The puke pile's right over there. It's a pretty big pile of puke. 834 00:55:00,803 --> 00:55:02,847 So clean the puke. Okay. 835 00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:06,642 Well, well. Lookie here. 836 00:55:08,519 --> 00:55:09,979 Corn off the cob. 837 00:55:12,857 --> 00:55:14,900 This kid should get his money back. 838 00:55:15,526 --> 00:55:18,028 - The janitor's going to eat the puke. - They're hilarious, huh? 839 00:55:18,863 --> 00:55:22,825 I won't. I'm a vegetarian and looks like there's some meat. 840 00:55:24,326 --> 00:55:25,995 I like kids. They seem to like- 841 00:55:26,871 --> 00:55:27,872 They seem to like me. 842 00:55:33,335 --> 00:55:36,380 I'll try the old reverse psychology. 843 00:55:37,590 --> 00:55:40,551 I like getting hit with hot dogs. It don't bother me. 844 00:55:43,888 --> 00:55:46,515 Guess I'm lucky it wasn't hot chili day today. 845 00:55:49,018 --> 00:55:50,978 Okay, class. Let's hear these results. 846 00:55:51,187 --> 00:55:54,732 If my calculations are correct, this will create ice. 847 00:55:57,193 --> 00:55:59,653 Killer mustard gas! 848 00:56:08,204 --> 00:56:09,580 What'd you say? 849 00:56:12,416 --> 00:56:16,587 You're talking to me all wrong. It's the wrong tone. 850 00:56:16,795 --> 00:56:20,007 Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. 851 00:56:20,216 --> 00:56:23,260 Is that right? Let me ask you something. 852 00:56:25,387 --> 00:56:27,348 Does your mother sew? 853 00:56:30,226 --> 00:56:32,019 Get her to sew that! 854 00:56:39,026 --> 00:56:42,363 You'd think the stupid punks could think of something funnier than: 855 00:56:42,530 --> 00:56:44,824 "Don't eat it! Here's a hot dog." 856 00:56:53,666 --> 00:56:56,377 What's going on, man? Did you kick their asses? 857 00:56:56,752 --> 00:57:00,548 - He saved us from the mustard gas. - You saved our lives, Clem. 858 00:57:00,756 --> 00:57:01,882 Not me. 859 00:57:02,091 --> 00:57:03,425 That's the guy! 860 00:57:03,676 --> 00:57:05,553 You're the one that carried us out. 861 00:57:05,761 --> 00:57:09,849 Shut up, you hard-on. That's the guy! That's the hero. 862 00:57:10,182 --> 00:57:13,185 All right. Well, then, thank God for Joe Dirt. 863 00:57:13,435 --> 00:57:15,521 - Oh, no, man. It wasn't me. - That's Joe Dirt! 864 00:57:15,771 --> 00:57:17,398 Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! 865 00:57:23,279 --> 00:57:24,738 Come on, Joe Dirt! 866 00:57:25,614 --> 00:57:27,658 How does it feel to be a hero, Joe? 867 00:57:27,867 --> 00:57:29,910 Well, it's like this... 868 00:57:30,119 --> 00:57:31,871 Probably feels pretty good. 869 00:57:32,079 --> 00:57:34,623 Especially after that brutal run-in with Buffalo Bob. 870 00:57:34,874 --> 00:57:37,376 I don't know why you ask me. Nothing happened. 871 00:57:37,626 --> 00:57:39,420 That's not what I heard. 872 00:57:39,628 --> 00:57:41,088 What's the deal with your haircut? 873 00:57:41,297 --> 00:57:43,757 It's a wig. I was born without the top of my skull. 874 00:57:43,966 --> 00:57:46,135 Everybody, I'm looking for my parents. 875 00:57:46,385 --> 00:57:50,097 Here's a picture of them. It's taken 15 years ago at the Grand Canyon. 876 00:57:50,306 --> 00:57:53,893 If anybody has any information on their whereabouts... 877 00:57:54,101 --> 00:57:55,561 ...please call this number. 878 00:57:55,769 --> 00:57:59,106 You might get a machine, but if a girl answers, her name is Brandy. 879 00:57:59,315 --> 00:58:02,985 Give her your info. I appreciate any help I can get. 880 00:58:03,235 --> 00:58:06,280 That being said, here's the real scoop. 881 00:58:06,489 --> 00:58:08,949 I ain't the guy that saved them kids. 882 00:58:10,242 --> 00:58:11,243 I'm sorry, man. 883 00:58:11,785 --> 00:58:13,746 Here's the real hero. 884 00:58:14,121 --> 00:58:18,417 His name is Clem Doore, from Josette, Louisiana. He's a friend of mine. 885 00:58:18,626 --> 00:58:19,627 Oh, no. 886 00:58:19,835 --> 00:58:22,129 He's your real hero, people, not me. 887 00:58:27,259 --> 00:58:29,929 Let's go. Come on, come on. Move it, move it. 888 00:58:30,137 --> 00:58:33,766 Move your asses. Okay, this is where that rat-bastard lives. 889 00:58:33,974 --> 00:58:35,851 You two shoot him low, you high. 890 00:58:36,101 --> 00:58:38,187 I'll shoot him right through his heart. 891 00:58:39,313 --> 00:58:42,691 That's it. Come on, let's move it. Kick it in! Kick it in! 892 00:59:02,795 --> 00:59:03,963 What happened here? 893 00:59:04,296 --> 00:59:06,757 - Don't I know you? - What's going on? 894 00:59:06,966 --> 00:59:07,925 Wait a minute. 895 00:59:08,133 --> 00:59:11,512 You're that guy that had that run-in with that psycho. Buffalo Bob. 896 00:59:12,012 --> 00:59:13,514 Yeah. It was really no big deal. 897 00:59:13,722 --> 00:59:16,475 No big deal! That's not what I heard. 898 00:59:16,684 --> 00:59:17,810 Is Clem all right? 899 00:59:18,227 --> 00:59:19,186 No, he's dead. 900 00:59:19,562 --> 00:59:21,021 He's dead? What happened? 901 00:59:21,230 --> 00:59:24,316 Your buddy Clem's real name was Anthony Benedetti. 902 00:59:24,525 --> 00:59:27,486 He was a former boss of the Cameleri crime family. 903 00:59:27,695 --> 00:59:30,698 He was in town here on the Federal Witness Relocation program. 904 00:59:31,323 --> 00:59:33,826 He turned informer when the syndicate executed his wife. 905 00:59:34,034 --> 00:59:36,537 His old cronies must have somehow found he was here... 906 00:59:36,745 --> 00:59:38,164 ...and they came and killed him. 907 00:59:38,664 --> 00:59:42,209 He killed all of them too. It's a big mess. 908 00:59:45,212 --> 00:59:47,339 Oh, my God, man. This is my fault. 909 00:59:51,719 --> 00:59:55,514 Be cool, let me talk to him for a second? He's a friend of mine. 910 00:59:55,723 --> 00:59:58,017 - This is my fault. - Go ahead. 911 00:59:58,559 --> 01:00:00,603 I didn't know you didn't want to be on TV. 912 01:00:00,853 --> 01:00:03,981 I just tried to get the word out about my parents. I'm so sorry. 913 01:00:04,190 --> 01:00:06,192 Maybe you'll find your wife in heaven. 914 01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:08,903 She'll be just how you remembered her. 915 01:00:09,236 --> 01:00:11,780 Them big doe eyes. 916 01:00:12,406 --> 01:00:15,534 That soft honey-blonde hair. 917 01:00:16,076 --> 01:00:18,913 Smooth tan skin. 918 01:00:19,413 --> 01:00:21,832 Huge, pert rack. 919 01:00:22,041 --> 01:00:26,212 Long legs going up that tight butt. 920 01:00:30,716 --> 01:00:33,260 Clem, you asshole, are you alive? 921 01:00:35,304 --> 01:00:38,432 They're pretending I'm dead, so's they can move me. 922 01:00:38,641 --> 01:00:41,602 I just didn't know you were in this Witness Protection thing. 923 01:00:41,811 --> 01:00:44,688 I never would have said your name on TV, man. 924 01:00:44,897 --> 01:00:48,150 I found it was time to move on anyway. You know, maybe... 925 01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:50,903 ...find a better town. 926 01:00:51,904 --> 01:00:53,948 There's something you should think about. 927 01:00:54,156 --> 01:00:58,994 I was thinking about that car. The Rambler Wagon. That's a rare car. 928 01:00:59,245 --> 01:01:03,040 People would remember selling a car like that. 929 01:01:03,249 --> 01:01:04,250 Where's that dead guy? 930 01:01:04,458 --> 01:01:05,960 Wait. Joe, wait. 931 01:01:06,919 --> 01:01:09,797 Take care, Joe Dirt. 932 01:01:10,923 --> 01:01:12,591 Watch my hair. 933 01:01:13,592 --> 01:01:18,264 Yep, those came with a 6-cylinder 258 automatic. The three on the tree. 934 01:01:18,472 --> 01:01:20,391 Sleek-looking, weren't they? 935 01:01:20,599 --> 01:01:22,268 For sure, man. How many? 936 01:01:22,768 --> 01:01:26,814 That's what I'm trying to call up. Let's see. In Louisiana... 937 01:01:27,022 --> 01:01:29,817 ...1968, we sold... 938 01:01:29,984 --> 01:01:32,778 Doggy! 73 of those little buggers. 939 01:01:32,987 --> 01:01:36,824 You tell me your daddy's name, I'll tell you where he bought it. 940 01:01:37,032 --> 01:01:40,119 I don't know his name. That's what I'm trying to find out. 941 01:01:41,662 --> 01:01:46,250 Well, then. The best I can do is give you a printout... 942 01:01:46,458 --> 01:01:48,711 ...of all 73 people who bought the car. 943 01:01:48,961 --> 01:01:53,507 Later, if you come up with their last name, you can go on from there. 944 01:01:53,716 --> 01:01:57,136 I'm only doing all of this because I heard that Buffalo Bob guy... 945 01:01:57,344 --> 01:01:59,263 ...shoved a road flare up your bunghole. 946 01:01:59,471 --> 01:02:00,472 What? 947 01:02:00,890 --> 01:02:02,349 Hoorah. 948 01:02:03,559 --> 01:02:08,022 I keep hearing about him. Nothing happened with him. Nothing weird. 949 01:02:08,647 --> 01:02:12,193 Anyway, that list had names from all over the state. 950 01:02:12,401 --> 01:02:14,904 But I was flat broke. No money for gas. 951 01:02:15,112 --> 01:02:19,033 So I found a job, and that led to the biggest break in my case yet. 952 01:02:20,326 --> 01:02:22,036 I don't know, Joe. 953 01:02:22,203 --> 01:02:26,165 The way you describe that town out in the northwest, Silvertown... 954 01:02:26,373 --> 01:02:29,168 Hell, I have half a mind to move there myself. 955 01:02:30,002 --> 01:02:32,505 - Can I ask you a question? - Sure, honey. Shoot. 956 01:02:33,881 --> 01:02:35,883 Your mom and dad still alive? 957 01:02:36,759 --> 01:02:38,010 No. 958 01:02:38,427 --> 01:02:40,346 Did they die? 959 01:02:41,388 --> 01:02:42,848 One night... 960 01:02:43,349 --> 01:02:46,352 ...they got swallowed up by the biggest gator we ever had. 961 01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:47,978 Before they died... 962 01:02:48,187 --> 01:02:51,565 ...they killed that gator from the inside by punching out his heart. 963 01:02:51,732 --> 01:02:52,942 That's brutal. 964 01:02:53,192 --> 01:02:56,862 The brutal part, later that night, I took my mama's hedge clippers... 965 01:02:57,071 --> 01:03:00,658 ...and cut open that gator and pulled my folks out of its belly. 966 01:03:00,866 --> 01:03:05,204 I couldn't stand the thought of my parents turning into alligator shit. 967 01:03:06,205 --> 01:03:08,624 God, I hate these nasty things! 968 01:03:11,752 --> 01:03:13,754 If I met the right man... 969 01:03:14,046 --> 01:03:15,923 ...I mean, hell, I'd just... 970 01:03:16,215 --> 01:03:19,385 ...shut this old gator farm down and... 971 01:03:20,761 --> 01:03:24,890 But you know, you probably don't want to hear all my problems, huh? 972 01:03:25,432 --> 01:03:27,810 The gator show's about to start. 973 01:03:28,769 --> 01:03:30,938 I better go. It's showtime. 974 01:03:34,275 --> 01:03:37,945 There's three things to remember when dealing with a deadly alligator. 975 01:03:38,154 --> 01:03:40,739 And they are deadly. Don't kid yourself. 976 01:03:40,990 --> 01:03:44,243 Rule number one: I'm number one. 977 01:03:44,910 --> 01:03:46,120 You hear that? 978 01:03:46,787 --> 01:03:50,958 I like to kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Before we begin- 979 01:03:51,167 --> 01:03:52,668 What's rule three? 980 01:03:52,835 --> 01:03:53,919 What's that? 981 01:03:54,253 --> 01:03:55,629 Kid, give me a break, now. 982 01:03:55,838 --> 01:03:56,922 Don't know rule three? 983 01:03:57,131 --> 01:04:01,010 You want a match? My face and your ass. How about that, friend? 984 01:04:01,260 --> 01:04:03,429 I mean, your ass and my face. 985 01:04:03,762 --> 01:04:04,722 Here we go. 986 01:04:04,930 --> 01:04:08,517 I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home. 987 01:04:08,767 --> 01:04:09,560 Don't worry. 988 01:04:09,768 --> 01:04:11,353 This here is Rocky. 989 01:04:11,937 --> 01:04:13,105 And he ain't no puppy. 990 01:04:13,689 --> 01:04:16,150 Let's see if Rocky's got some cavities. 991 01:04:18,819 --> 01:04:21,489 This mo-fo knows not to mess... 992 01:04:21,697 --> 01:04:24,283 ...with Sir Joseph Dirt. 993 01:04:25,451 --> 01:04:27,953 You didn't listen to me! 994 01:04:34,668 --> 01:04:36,170 Come on, now! Rocky! 995 01:04:46,138 --> 01:04:49,809 Oh, when bad pets go bad. Dang! 996 01:04:52,019 --> 01:04:53,187 Are you all right? 997 01:04:58,859 --> 01:05:02,696 It's like the cartoons. I'm seeing all tweet-tweet. 998 01:05:03,030 --> 01:05:05,407 Joe, what can I do for you? 999 01:05:05,699 --> 01:05:07,618 You're not making any sense. 1000 01:05:07,827 --> 01:05:09,495 Not making... 1001 01:05:10,579 --> 01:05:12,206 Not making... 1002 01:05:13,749 --> 01:05:16,544 That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker! 1003 01:05:17,169 --> 01:05:18,671 Nunamaker. 1004 01:05:18,879 --> 01:05:20,381 Nunamaker. 1005 01:05:21,006 --> 01:05:24,009 That's what my sister said on the way to Grand Canyon. 1006 01:05:24,260 --> 01:05:27,221 My last name is Dirt. Her last name is Nunamaker. 1007 01:05:27,429 --> 01:05:29,056 That's my parents' last name. 1008 01:05:30,516 --> 01:05:33,894 I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was, Nunamaker... 1009 01:05:34,103 --> 01:05:36,522 ...Baton Rouge, Louisiana. 1010 01:05:37,398 --> 01:05:38,816 I was finally home. 1011 01:05:47,074 --> 01:05:48,075 Sir? 1012 01:05:48,784 --> 01:05:51,745 Mister. You know the people that live here? Nunamaker? 1013 01:05:53,038 --> 01:05:54,039 They moved. 1014 01:05:54,373 --> 01:05:55,374 What's that? 1015 01:05:55,583 --> 01:05:57,710 Moved! They moved. 1016 01:05:58,043 --> 01:06:02,089 About fifteen year ago. Had a little boy... 1017 01:06:02,548 --> 01:06:04,425 ...has that same haircut you got. 1018 01:06:05,759 --> 01:06:07,428 Goddamn, you out-of-date, boy. 1019 01:06:07,887 --> 01:06:10,639 Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. 1020 01:06:11,056 --> 01:06:13,642 My parents were... This was my home. 1021 01:06:14,059 --> 01:06:16,270 I thought this was it this time. 1022 01:06:16,479 --> 01:06:18,230 No. Home is where you make it. 1023 01:06:19,064 --> 01:06:20,733 You like to see homos naked? 1024 01:06:22,568 --> 01:06:23,903 Home is where you make it. 1025 01:06:24,487 --> 01:06:27,031 You like to see homos naked. That's cool. 1026 01:06:27,239 --> 01:06:30,576 No, no, no, no, no. Home is where you make it. 1027 01:06:30,826 --> 01:06:33,245 Home, where you make it. 1028 01:06:34,288 --> 01:06:37,124 Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy. 1029 01:06:38,459 --> 01:06:41,587 Guy likes to see homos naked. That don't help me. 1030 01:06:51,597 --> 01:06:54,475 So there I was, right back where I started all those years ago... 1031 01:06:54,642 --> 01:06:57,144 ...and no closer to finding my parents. 1032 01:06:59,980 --> 01:07:02,483 I think a little part of me died right there. 1033 01:07:02,691 --> 01:07:05,945 But you know that saying, "Things get the darkest before dawn?" 1034 01:07:09,448 --> 01:07:12,827 I thought I had broken my ass-bone, so I tried not to move. 1035 01:07:13,035 --> 01:07:14,578 I lay there, staring at the moon... 1036 01:07:14,787 --> 01:07:18,499 ...and for the first time in my life, I think about not getting back up. 1037 01:07:18,707 --> 01:07:21,794 Maybe I'll just lie there for the rest of my life. 1038 01:07:22,002 --> 01:07:25,881 But then, suddenly, while staring up at the moon... 1039 01:07:27,049 --> 01:07:29,552 ...I had this strange feeling that exact moment... 1040 01:07:29,802 --> 01:07:33,556 ...Brandy was staring at that same moon. And we were together. 1041 01:07:33,806 --> 01:07:36,267 Just then, all the tumblers fell into place. 1042 01:07:36,475 --> 01:07:40,146 This door opened in my head. All at once, I understood everything. 1043 01:07:40,354 --> 01:07:42,606 You have to find the real answer inside yourself. 1044 01:07:42,815 --> 01:07:46,235 And the answer for me was that I had a home all along... 1045 01:07:46,485 --> 01:07:49,488 ...with a friend who really cared about me, Brandy. 1046 01:07:49,697 --> 01:07:51,824 I missed her like crazy, and I decided... 1047 01:07:52,032 --> 01:07:54,660 ...it was time to go home. My search was over. 1048 01:08:03,043 --> 01:08:05,671 Wish I hadn't gotten a machine. It's me, Joe. 1049 01:08:05,880 --> 01:08:08,048 I got some crazy stuff to tell you. 1050 01:08:08,257 --> 01:08:11,385 But the most important part is, I'm coming back to Silvertown. 1051 01:08:11,594 --> 01:08:15,097 I can't wait to see you and tell you everything. Brandy... 1052 01:08:15,347 --> 01:08:17,183 Message deleted. 1053 01:08:51,050 --> 01:08:55,095 Well, well, well. If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt. 1054 01:08:55,304 --> 01:08:56,388 What's crappening? 1055 01:08:56,597 --> 01:08:59,266 Don't get smart with me, you motherless dirt bag. 1056 01:08:59,975 --> 01:09:01,268 You been here long enough. 1057 01:09:01,477 --> 01:09:02,728 I'm here to see Brandy. 1058 01:09:02,937 --> 01:09:04,772 Brandy? My Brandy? 1059 01:09:04,980 --> 01:09:08,025 You haven't heard? Me and her are getting married. 1060 01:09:08,234 --> 01:09:10,194 Besides, she don't want to see you anyway. 1061 01:09:10,402 --> 01:09:12,071 - I don't believe that. - It's true. 1062 01:09:12,571 --> 01:09:14,448 She found your stupid parents. 1063 01:09:14,657 --> 01:09:16,826 - What? - She found them in California. 1064 01:09:17,076 --> 01:09:19,411 But she didn't want to tell you, because she wants you gone... 1065 01:09:19,620 --> 01:09:22,581 ...out on the road, looking for nothing, so you won't be here. 1066 01:09:22,790 --> 01:09:25,626 She's sick of all your crap. She's sick of helping you. 1067 01:09:26,085 --> 01:09:28,462 And she's just plain sick of you. 1068 01:09:28,671 --> 01:09:30,673 She wouldn't do that. I know Brandy. 1069 01:09:30,923 --> 01:09:33,926 She'd tell me about my parents. I don't care how sick of me she is. 1070 01:09:34,134 --> 01:09:36,470 Check out this note she left me. 1071 01:09:36,679 --> 01:09:38,973 In case you called and I answered. 1072 01:09:40,975 --> 01:09:42,977 "Dear Robbie... 1073 01:09:44,478 --> 01:09:49,275 ...if Joe calls, don't tell him... 1074 01:09:49,483 --> 01:09:53,445 ...I found his parents. 1075 01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:57,950 I'll be back in a few days." 1076 01:09:58,284 --> 01:10:00,578 See, she signed it right there. "Brandy." 1077 01:10:00,786 --> 01:10:03,164 "X-O-X-O." 1078 01:10:03,539 --> 01:10:04,623 That's right, Dirt. 1079 01:10:04,999 --> 01:10:08,669 Nobody wants you in this town. Nobody wants you around, period! 1080 01:10:12,173 --> 01:10:14,008 Look at him, fellas. 1081 01:10:14,216 --> 01:10:18,471 You crying, boy? Maybe we'll go back down to McDonald's... 1082 01:10:18,679 --> 01:10:20,848 ...and get you a whamburger and French cries! 1083 01:10:21,140 --> 01:10:22,975 How about a Whineken! 1084 01:10:23,225 --> 01:10:24,977 You little sissy boy! 1085 01:10:25,352 --> 01:10:26,854 Def Leppard sucks! 1086 01:10:33,110 --> 01:10:36,363 For the record, I wasn't crying. There was dirt in my eyes. 1087 01:10:36,530 --> 01:10:39,366 Joey, it's not cutting it, man. It's jive. 1088 01:10:39,575 --> 01:10:42,077 - Everything I just said is true. - No. 1089 01:10:42,244 --> 01:10:46,499 Brandy. Brandy is jive. I want to get her on the phone now. 1090 01:10:46,749 --> 01:10:50,085 I want to track her down and ask her why she was playing games with you. 1091 01:10:50,294 --> 01:10:52,046 No, you don't need to bother her. 1092 01:10:52,254 --> 01:10:53,380 Get line 3 on speaker. 1093 01:10:53,589 --> 01:10:58,594 I'm fine. Everything is cool. I got a place in Malibu, lots of friends. 1094 01:10:58,802 --> 01:11:00,095 I do worry about you. 1095 01:11:00,304 --> 01:11:03,224 Because you're living in a boiler room, Joe. 1096 01:11:03,390 --> 01:11:04,558 I got a couple places. 1097 01:11:04,767 --> 01:11:06,769 You know what, Joey? I think you... 1098 01:11:07,645 --> 01:11:11,649 I can't believe I'm saying- I think we need some resolution here. 1099 01:11:11,857 --> 01:11:13,275 We need a little closure. 1100 01:11:13,484 --> 01:11:17,321 I want to ask her, "What the hell was going on back then?" 1101 01:11:17,530 --> 01:11:19,698 Did she find your parents? 1102 01:11:19,949 --> 01:11:23,744 And if she did, why couldn't she have called you? 1103 01:11:26,455 --> 01:11:28,916 Well, well, well. The famous Brandy. 1104 01:11:29,083 --> 01:11:31,377 Tokyo rose of the trailer park. 1105 01:11:31,627 --> 01:11:34,296 Brandy, I'm sitting here with a friend of yours. 1106 01:11:34,505 --> 01:11:38,425 A little white-trash treasure that you might know as Joe Dirt. 1107 01:11:38,592 --> 01:11:39,718 Ring a bell? 1108 01:11:39,969 --> 01:11:41,720 - Joe? - Yeah, Joe. 1109 01:11:41,929 --> 01:11:44,932 I don't think he wants to talk to you, Brandy. You know why? 1110 01:11:45,099 --> 01:11:49,520 Because the last few days, my listeners and I have heard an amazing story. 1111 01:11:49,728 --> 01:11:53,107 When he first started this story, I thought of you as a good person... 1112 01:11:53,274 --> 01:11:57,778 ...but the more it went down the road, I'm not sure you are a good person. 1113 01:11:57,987 --> 01:12:00,489 Why didn't you tell him you'd found his parents? 1114 01:12:00,990 --> 01:12:04,118 Oh, my God. How did he find out? 1115 01:12:04,660 --> 01:12:08,038 The letter Robbie showed Joe is true? You wrote that? 1116 01:12:08,622 --> 01:12:13,002 Yes. I wrote that letter because I wanted to tell Joe in person. 1117 01:12:14,170 --> 01:12:16,463 Months went by, and he never came home. 1118 01:12:16,630 --> 01:12:19,300 Joe, I did find where your parents were. 1119 01:12:20,217 --> 01:12:22,845 Joe, brace yourself for this. 1120 01:12:25,347 --> 01:12:27,475 Your parents are dead, Joe. 1121 01:12:28,309 --> 01:12:30,644 They died that day at the Grand Canyon. 1122 01:12:30,853 --> 01:12:33,772 Their car was hit by a passing truck, a hit and run. 1123 01:12:33,981 --> 01:12:35,983 I'm so sorry. 1124 01:12:36,609 --> 01:12:38,777 But your search is over. 1125 01:12:39,028 --> 01:12:43,574 Come home, Joe. So I can take care of you. 1126 01:12:45,910 --> 01:12:47,369 Oh, man. 1127 01:12:51,957 --> 01:12:53,209 I've got to go. 1128 01:12:53,417 --> 01:12:54,418 Sure. 1129 01:13:00,257 --> 01:13:03,010 All right. We'll take a break. 1130 01:13:14,146 --> 01:13:15,606 He's Joe Dirt! 1131 01:13:28,369 --> 01:13:30,037 You rule, Joe! You rule! 1132 01:13:32,414 --> 01:13:34,542 Joe Dirt, Joe Dirt... 1133 01:13:40,714 --> 01:13:45,177 The phenomenon of Joe Dirt has captured the city's imagination. 1134 01:13:45,427 --> 01:13:49,557 The little man, the ordinary person who endured enormous adversity... 1135 01:13:49,723 --> 01:13:53,352 ...and all the while maintained his positive outlook on life... 1136 01:13:53,561 --> 01:13:55,354 ...teaching us along the way... 1137 01:13:55,563 --> 01:13:57,815 "... You can't have 'no' in your heart..." 1138 01:13:58,023 --> 01:14:00,860 ...and "Life's a garden. Dig it." 1139 01:14:01,110 --> 01:14:05,656 Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting one of his long-time idols, Eddie Money. 1140 01:14:35,311 --> 01:14:39,440 And welcome back to TRL. We are here with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt. 1141 01:14:39,648 --> 01:14:40,816 Joe, come back over here. 1142 01:14:41,025 --> 01:14:44,069 We have a show to do here. People forget we're live. 1143 01:14:44,320 --> 01:14:46,071 You like the window, don't you? 1144 01:14:46,322 --> 01:14:48,782 Before we wrap this up, anything else you want to say? 1145 01:14:48,949 --> 01:14:53,537 Thanks to the people that stop me and tell me my story helped them. 1146 01:14:53,746 --> 01:14:57,458 Your story is really cool, like a Behind the Music without the music. 1147 01:14:57,666 --> 01:15:02,963 Are you depressed? Your parents, who you'd looked for all along were dead. 1148 01:15:03,130 --> 01:15:05,508 Was the last decade a complete waste? 1149 01:15:05,716 --> 01:15:09,178 No one's really put it like that, but I don't think so. 1150 01:15:09,386 --> 01:15:12,932 I've had good times, met cool people, cruised around, cranked some tunes. 1151 01:15:13,140 --> 01:15:15,643 What about Brandy? Any chance you'll hook back up? 1152 01:15:16,519 --> 01:15:21,190 She's a good friend of mine and she's off doing her own thing right now... 1153 01:15:21,398 --> 01:15:24,360 ...but I've always said she's a little too hot for old Joe Dirt. 1154 01:15:24,652 --> 01:15:25,653 I agree. 1155 01:15:25,820 --> 01:15:29,740 So does America, in our latest "Is Brandy too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll. 1156 01:15:29,949 --> 01:15:31,575 61 percent of you agreed. 1157 01:15:31,784 --> 01:15:34,537 Even worse, four percent said the dog was too hot for you. 1158 01:15:34,954 --> 01:15:37,832 I'm just kidding. You're on TRL California, Joe Dirt. 1159 01:15:37,998 --> 01:15:39,166 Hello, California. 1160 01:15:40,000 --> 01:15:41,377 Hey, wait... 1161 01:15:41,585 --> 01:15:46,048 Am I on? I'm on?! Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah. 1162 01:15:46,215 --> 01:15:48,717 Hey, Carson, how big is your Johnny? 1163 01:15:48,926 --> 01:15:52,263 - Happy hour started a little early. - A little drinky-drinky. 1164 01:15:52,471 --> 01:15:56,517 The reason I'm really calling is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead. 1165 01:15:56,725 --> 01:16:00,688 I'm looking at his father right now and I'm his mama. 1166 01:16:00,896 --> 01:16:03,399 Ma'am, you should never drink the bong water. 1167 01:16:03,607 --> 01:16:04,859 Yeah. Listen to him. 1168 01:16:05,067 --> 01:16:09,530 Carson, this where you want to be when Jesus comes back? Making fun- 1169 01:16:09,738 --> 01:16:12,408 - Sorry, Joe. - Wait. Where's that call coming from? 1170 01:16:12,616 --> 01:16:14,034 California. 1171 01:16:14,243 --> 01:16:15,244 I got to go. 1172 01:16:16,662 --> 01:16:18,414 So Carson helped me trace the call. 1173 01:16:18,622 --> 01:16:22,877 And it led me to this old trailer park in Simi Valley, California. 1174 01:16:32,052 --> 01:16:33,304 That's our old car! 1175 01:16:40,269 --> 01:16:43,647 Joe, can I have an exclusive? Your parents are alive after all? 1176 01:16:45,983 --> 01:16:47,818 Joe, how are you feeling? 1177 01:16:48,777 --> 01:16:51,197 Mom, Dad, is that you? 1178 01:16:53,449 --> 01:16:54,825 Our baby's home. 1179 01:16:55,784 --> 01:16:58,954 We tried so hard to find him. We looked high and low. 1180 01:16:59,163 --> 01:17:00,706 I got some pictures here. Look. 1181 01:17:00,915 --> 01:17:05,377 Here is a picture of Joe when he was a baby. You get it? Yeah, baby. 1182 01:17:05,628 --> 01:17:07,087 You were a cute baby. 1183 01:17:07,254 --> 01:17:11,467 That's why we were crazy when we lost him. He's here and now he's gone. 1184 01:17:11,675 --> 01:17:13,803 Where'd he go? Where did he go? 1185 01:17:15,971 --> 01:17:18,641 - They get it? Where'd he go? - I was at the Canyon. 1186 01:17:18,849 --> 01:17:23,103 Yeah. You know what? It was right by the garbage can where you left me. 1187 01:17:23,771 --> 01:17:25,773 Is that where you were? 1188 01:17:25,940 --> 01:17:27,441 Well, I'll be dipped. 1189 01:17:28,025 --> 01:17:29,485 The one place we didn't look. 1190 01:17:29,693 --> 01:17:32,279 I knew you looked for me. I told everybody you would. 1191 01:17:32,488 --> 01:17:35,074 Was there ever a time you'd look at the moon... 1192 01:17:35,282 --> 01:17:38,536 ...and hoped maybe I was looking at it too? 1193 01:17:38,744 --> 01:17:42,456 I've been doing this clown thing. Can everybody get a shot of these? 1194 01:17:42,623 --> 01:17:44,333 Do you see these clown figurines? 1195 01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:48,003 Whenever I used to get sad, I'd just look at a clown. 1196 01:17:48,212 --> 01:17:51,715 - I just can't stop grinning. - They're available for purchase. 1197 01:17:52,174 --> 01:17:54,969 We're starting this clown dot-com kind of a thing. 1198 01:17:55,177 --> 01:17:58,973 I don't mean to interrupt your clown pitch there, but... 1199 01:17:59,515 --> 01:18:04,019 But how exactly do you not go back to the place where you saw me? 1200 01:18:07,356 --> 01:18:10,526 Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made? 1201 01:18:10,734 --> 01:18:12,486 How exactly does the sun set? 1202 01:18:12,695 --> 01:18:16,157 How exactly does the posi-trac rear end on a Plymouth work? 1203 01:18:16,490 --> 01:18:18,909 - It just does. - It just does. 1204 01:18:19,118 --> 01:18:21,996 I'm not talking about posi-trac, I'm talking about me. 1205 01:18:22,746 --> 01:18:25,583 How long did you look for me before you gave up? 1206 01:18:25,791 --> 01:18:30,087 How long were you riding in that car before you realized I wasn't in it? 1207 01:18:37,511 --> 01:18:41,056 All right. We didn't lose him. We just left him. 1208 01:18:41,265 --> 01:18:43,017 So what? The dude's doing fine! 1209 01:18:43,225 --> 01:18:44,727 Look at him! 1210 01:18:45,102 --> 01:18:49,440 How could you do that to me? I was only eight, just a little kid. 1211 01:18:49,648 --> 01:18:53,736 Any idea what it's like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to... 1212 01:18:53,944 --> 01:18:56,739 ...no one that cares if you're alive or dead? 1213 01:18:56,947 --> 01:19:00,576 Every day you think you're worthless and there's a void in your life. 1214 01:19:00,784 --> 01:19:02,203 - Come on, honey. - Lighten up. 1215 01:19:02,369 --> 01:19:03,704 Lose that frown. 1216 01:19:03,871 --> 01:19:06,790 When you're down, stare at a clown. 1217 01:19:07,333 --> 01:19:10,169 Sit down, sit down. You're blocking the cameras! 1218 01:19:10,419 --> 01:19:11,587 I don't care about that! 1219 01:19:11,795 --> 01:19:13,756 I don't care about you! 1220 01:19:16,258 --> 01:19:19,220 And I don't want to see you for another 25 years. 1221 01:19:19,428 --> 01:19:23,057 I wish he'd never found us. Look what he did to my children. 1222 01:19:24,391 --> 01:19:26,936 - Hey, you're grounded! - Hey, TV people! 1223 01:19:27,144 --> 01:19:30,773 Wait, don't go away! You don't have to follow just because he's going! 1224 01:19:50,584 --> 01:19:52,378 Somebody do something. 1225 01:19:55,381 --> 01:19:58,259 Joe, just turn around and come down. 1226 01:20:00,761 --> 01:20:02,096 It's not worth it, Joe. 1227 01:20:03,639 --> 01:20:05,099 We are here at Wallace Bridge... 1228 01:20:05,307 --> 01:20:08,602 ...where local celebrity Joe Dirt is threatening to kill himself. 1229 01:20:09,311 --> 01:20:10,312 Come on, Joe. 1230 01:20:10,855 --> 01:20:12,439 Remember what you said on the show? 1231 01:20:12,648 --> 01:20:14,650 "Life's a garden. Dig it." 1232 01:20:15,818 --> 01:20:17,278 You got to get down from there. 1233 01:20:17,486 --> 01:20:19,488 You don't want to do this. 1234 01:20:20,281 --> 01:20:21,991 Why not, man? I got nothing. 1235 01:20:22,449 --> 01:20:24,785 I been looking forever for those people... 1236 01:20:24,952 --> 01:20:27,121 ...and everyone lies to me, man. 1237 01:20:27,496 --> 01:20:28,497 I'm worthless. 1238 01:20:35,337 --> 01:20:37,590 Sorry, lady. You can't cut through here. 1239 01:20:38,132 --> 01:20:39,467 It's me, Brandy! 1240 01:20:39,675 --> 01:20:41,385 Brandy? Like the Brandy? 1241 01:20:42,303 --> 01:20:43,888 Why didn't you say so? Come on. 1242 01:20:44,722 --> 01:20:48,142 - Hey, everybody, Brandy's here! - Hey, it's Brandy! 1243 01:20:48,517 --> 01:20:50,728 Look, over there! It's her, Dirt! 1244 01:20:55,024 --> 01:20:56,066 I'm here, Joe. 1245 01:20:56,609 --> 01:20:59,403 You told me my parents were dead, and I saw them. 1246 01:20:59,612 --> 01:21:01,906 They're horrible. Why did you lie? 1247 01:21:02,239 --> 01:21:06,285 They saw the news when you saved those kids. They thought you got a reward. 1248 01:21:06,494 --> 01:21:09,538 So you did see them first. So it's just like Robbie said. 1249 01:21:09,747 --> 01:21:13,792 Yes, but once I met them, I knew I had to protect you from them. 1250 01:21:14,001 --> 01:21:18,464 They're bad people. You're not like them, Joe. 1251 01:21:18,672 --> 01:21:23,093 They didn't leave you. You left them. You've gotta see that. 1252 01:21:23,552 --> 01:21:25,012 Joe, if you'd stayed with them... 1253 01:21:25,763 --> 01:21:27,932 ...you wouldn't be as wonderful as you are. 1254 01:21:28,140 --> 01:21:30,434 But Robbie said you don't want me around. 1255 01:21:30,643 --> 01:21:33,521 He said you were always laughing at me behind my back. 1256 01:21:33,729 --> 01:21:38,359 Why would Robbie say such a thing? Of course that's not true. 1257 01:21:38,776 --> 01:21:42,446 I love you, Joe. With all my heart. 1258 01:21:43,364 --> 01:21:45,908 I want to get married and have little Joe Dirts. 1259 01:21:46,408 --> 01:21:48,244 Come home, Joe. 1260 01:21:48,452 --> 01:21:52,039 You had a home all along. You just couldn't see it. 1261 01:21:54,124 --> 01:21:55,125 You really love me? 1262 01:22:02,258 --> 01:22:04,260 I roped him with a bungee cord! 1263 01:22:33,914 --> 01:22:37,001 Oh, man. I just had the weirdest dream. 1264 01:22:37,209 --> 01:22:40,754 You were in it. And so were you. 1265 01:22:43,507 --> 01:22:46,302 Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home? 1266 01:22:47,511 --> 01:22:49,889 Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing? 1267 01:22:50,139 --> 01:22:53,434 It's not Clem anymore. It's Gert B. Frobe. 1268 01:22:53,851 --> 01:22:55,644 Witness Protection relocated me. 1269 01:22:55,853 --> 01:23:00,107 I asked for Silvertown, after what you said about it. It's wonderful here. 1270 01:23:00,649 --> 01:23:01,650 Hello, Joe Dirt. 1271 01:23:02,067 --> 01:23:04,737 You taught me to sell the good stuff. 1272 01:23:04,987 --> 01:23:07,656 Now I have 30 fireworks stands... 1273 01:23:08,199 --> 01:23:10,659 ...which completely fund my animal shelters. 1274 01:23:10,868 --> 01:23:12,328 It's all because of you, Joe. 1275 01:23:12,745 --> 01:23:13,829 Good job, brother. 1276 01:23:14,038 --> 01:23:18,542 I sold the gator farm after one of them snapped off some of my fingers. 1277 01:23:18,751 --> 01:23:20,794 I came up here to check up on you... 1278 01:23:21,003 --> 01:23:23,964 ...and I met Gert B. Frobe. 1279 01:23:25,341 --> 01:23:27,968 It's a good thing that gator didn't get my ring finger... 1280 01:23:28,177 --> 01:23:30,054 ...because Gert's asked me to marry him! 1281 01:23:31,013 --> 01:23:32,515 Right on. 1282 01:23:33,390 --> 01:23:35,935 When you were in the hospital for your head injury... 1283 01:23:36,143 --> 01:23:40,481 ...I had the doctor surgically put on a wig a little more contemporary. 1284 01:23:52,743 --> 01:23:55,621 Dang. That's cool. 1285 01:23:55,830 --> 01:23:56,831 And Joe... 1286 01:23:57,581 --> 01:23:59,917 - ...we have a big surprise for you. - What's up? 1287 01:24:02,002 --> 01:24:04,672 My Hemi! You got it out of hock for me? 1288 01:24:06,590 --> 01:24:09,343 - Somebody else wants to get in here. - Who's that? 1289 01:24:09,927 --> 01:24:11,762 Come on, boy! Come on! 1290 01:24:12,930 --> 01:24:14,056 Looks like Charlie. 1291 01:24:14,265 --> 01:24:16,142 Apparently, back in the day... 1292 01:24:16,350 --> 01:24:19,520 ...Charlie had a little sexual encounter with this one's ma. 1293 01:24:19,728 --> 01:24:21,689 Say hello to Charlie Two. 1294 01:24:21,939 --> 01:24:22,940 Good boy. 1295 01:24:23,524 --> 01:24:26,986 You got a big family now, Joe Dirt. You better be good to us. 1296 01:24:27,194 --> 01:24:28,195 Oh, I will. 1297 01:24:35,119 --> 01:24:39,748 Hey, Dirt. I thought I told you, buddy. Nobody wants you around. 1298 01:24:41,792 --> 01:24:44,378 You're talking all wrong. It's the wrong tone. 1299 01:24:44,712 --> 01:24:48,048 Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. 1300 01:24:48,757 --> 01:24:51,093 - You're his dad? - What if I am? 1301 01:24:52,928 --> 01:24:54,388 What if we're his family? 1302 01:24:58,767 --> 01:25:00,895 At least my car'll blow his off the road. 1303 01:25:01,103 --> 01:25:06,066 You think you can match that little slant 6 of yours against his 426 Hemi? 1304 01:25:07,026 --> 01:25:09,236 Then let's do it, little boy! 1305 01:25:09,528 --> 01:25:10,571 That's my girl. 1306 01:25:11,572 --> 01:25:12,990 - Let's ride, Dirt-boy. - Let's go! 1307 01:25:32,510 --> 01:25:35,721 Now it's time for the good stuff. 1308 01:25:35,971 --> 01:25:37,181 Yeah! Light her up! 1309 01:25:40,434 --> 01:25:43,729 This next song goes out to our good friend, Joe Dirt, the Dirt-man. 1310 01:25:43,979 --> 01:25:46,357 Wherever you are, this is for you, buddy. 1311 01:25:46,565 --> 01:25:49,443 Welcome home, Joe. Welcome home.