1 00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,751 Let's call American Express. You lost your card, 2 00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:27,917 and you don't know what the number of it is. 3 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,007 That's a great one. 4 00:00:29,228 --> 00:00:30,217 Do the old lady. 5 00:00:30,329 --> 00:00:32,524 I lost my card. 6 00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,598 Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes. 7 00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:36,963 I went southern and then... 8 00:00:37,069 --> 00:00:38,536 American Express. I'm Danielle, how may I help you? 9 00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,833 I certainly need some assistance. 10 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:44,239 I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy, 11 00:00:44,343 --> 00:00:48,473 but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen. 12 00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:51,283 Okay, can I have your last name, please? 13 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,351 Yes. 14 00:00:52,985 --> 00:00:54,145 What's your last name? 15 00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:55,345 Right. 16 00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:58,219 Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account? 17 00:00:58,324 --> 00:00:59,348 Yes. Helen. 18 00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:00,790 What's your last name, please? 19 00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:02,087 Easafawn. 20 00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:04,062 What? 21 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:08,029 Helen Easafawn. 22 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,694 E-A 23 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:16,068 S-A-fawn. 24 00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:19,373 Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you? 25 00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:23,074 Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager? 26 00:01:26,819 --> 00:01:31,688 Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for... 27 00:01:37,396 --> 00:01:41,765 But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm... 28 00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:46,396 I can't stop going to the bathroom! 29 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,168 Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you. 30 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,503 Ma? 31 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,438 And my son thinks I'm crazy. 32 00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:54,945 Ma, who you calling? 33 00:01:55,047 --> 00:01:57,174 It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them. 34 00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:59,342 Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone! 35 00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:00,419 Don't talk to me that way! 36 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,420 Get off the fucking phone! 37 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:03,489 What's going on? 38 00:02:03,589 --> 00:02:04,851 Same thing as the last time. 39 00:02:04,957 --> 00:02:06,219 Did she... What'd she call you about? 40 00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:07,485 The roast beef? - Yes. 41 00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,561 All right, she just puked in the kitchen. 42 00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,028 That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef 43 00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:14,031 if it doesn't agree with her. 44 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:23,408 I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef. 45 00:02:23,509 --> 00:02:24,999 It's delicious! 46 00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:27,178 Go clean up the mess! 47 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,511 I can't. Get off of me! 48 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,417 You son of a bitch! 49 00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:19,186 George? 50 00:03:25,938 --> 00:03:27,132 Hi, Mr. Simmons. 51 00:03:27,239 --> 00:03:28,501 Ladies. 52 00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,002 George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture? 53 00:03:33,412 --> 00:03:35,937 Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right. 54 00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:37,879 Get a little tattle in there. Come on. 55 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,415 How are you? You're really funny. 56 00:03:39,518 --> 00:03:41,042 Thank you. You're funnier. 57 00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:44,949 Hello. - Hi! 58 00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,581 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up? 59 00:03:46,692 --> 00:03:48,159 Hey. How are you? 60 00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:03,664 Hey, handsome. - Doctor. 61 00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:04,743 How are you, kid? 62 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:05,811 How are you, baby? 63 00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:09,137 The Lunettes are working, baby. 64 00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:11,546 Those are smooth. No hangover. 65 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:16,281 Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restores? 66 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:19,984 Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something? 67 00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:23,755 George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count 68 00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:26,457 and it's not what we hoped for. 69 00:04:26,565 --> 00:04:30,194 As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal. 70 00:04:30,302 --> 00:04:35,103 Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be. 71 00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:38,973 And very low haemoglobin, seven grams per decilitre. 72 00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,137 I don't understand what you're saying right now. 73 00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:43,738 Can you speak how people speak? 74 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,251 You have a very serious disease. It's called AML. 75 00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:52,052 It's a form of leukaemia and I can't predict how this will play out, 76 00:04:52,158 --> 00:04:55,753 but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you. 77 00:05:02,134 --> 00:05:03,328 That's George Simmons, right here. 78 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,733 George! George! George Simmons! 79 00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:07,237 Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours. 80 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:31,459 I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures 81 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:35,227 like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all. 82 00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:39,929 And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course. 83 00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,810 Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales. 84 00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:48,311 Thanks for shopping at Otto's. - Yo, Chuck, 85 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:51,040 I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. 86 00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:52,344 You should come watch me. 87 00:05:52,451 --> 00:05:54,919 Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny. 88 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,619 Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful. 89 00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,714 I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. 90 00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:01,452 I had fucking nightmares after that. 91 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,027 That was a long time ago. That was months ago. 92 00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,289 I've gotten a lot funnier since then. 93 00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:05,522 Then you bored my wife to sleep. 94 00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:06,962 I couldn't get no pussy that night, man. 95 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,557 Don't blame me for your pussy issues. 96 00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:11,158 Are they going to pay you? - Pay me? No! 97 00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:13,170 That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning. 98 00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:15,365 You got to, you know, work your way up through the ranks. 99 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,338 My nigger, how the fuck you in show business 100 00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,842 when you got no business to show? 101 00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:20,206 I'm supposed to be writing jokes. 102 00:06:20,312 --> 00:06:21,506 I'm supposed to be doing comedy. 103 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,775 I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad. 104 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,579 I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks! 105 00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:28,778 You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man. 106 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,085 I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me. 107 00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:33,283 You too good for Otto's now? 108 00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:34,381 I'm not too good for it. 109 00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,653 I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry. 110 00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:36,750 See that bridge? 1,200 bucks. 111 00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:39,799 Okay. 112 00:06:39,911 --> 00:06:42,607 On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto. 113 00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:45,239 Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right? 114 00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:47,045 What, you going to be on TV or some shit like that? 115 00:06:47,152 --> 00:06:49,017 I am going to be on TV. The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit? 116 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,553 No, I'm going to be like Seinfeld. 117 00:06:50,655 --> 00:06:52,384 Get the fuck out of here, man! 118 00:06:52,824 --> 00:06:53,791 You isn�t going to be like Seinfeld. 119 00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:55,860 Seinfeld's my motherfucking man! 120 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,257 Now Kramer, 121 00:06:57,362 --> 00:07:00,058 Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger. 122 00:07:00,165 --> 00:07:02,190 Well, very forgiving of you. 123 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,427 Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something. 124 00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:06,003 You're not funny. - I think I'm funny. 125 00:07:06,104 --> 00:07:08,231 I got new jokes, man, and they're good. 126 00:07:08,339 --> 00:07:09,499 Let me hear one of your new jokes. 127 00:07:09,607 --> 00:07:11,632 Okay, I got one like, 128 00:07:11,743 --> 00:07:14,211 I'm really good at Guitar Hero, you know, on PlayStation, 129 00:07:14,312 --> 00:07:17,008 and I was so good at it, I thought, like, "Maybe I should get a guitar." 130 00:07:17,115 --> 00:07:19,015 Then I thought like, "I'm really good at Grand Theft Auto, 131 00:07:19,117 --> 00:07:20,982 "maybe I should start beating up hookers." 132 00:07:21,753 --> 00:07:23,345 Okay, that got me. That was humorous. 133 00:07:23,454 --> 00:07:24,751 I thought you'd like that. 134 00:07:24,856 --> 00:07:26,221 But, you, I isn�t got no dough, man. 135 00:07:26,324 --> 00:07:27,655 For real, if I had some dough, I would go. 136 00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:28,726 I'll pay your cover charge. 137 00:07:28,827 --> 00:07:29,953 That's the night I take my wife out also, 138 00:07:30,061 --> 00:07:31,050 so you got to pay for my bitch, too. 139 00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:34,943 Okay, I'll do it. Okay. - If you come and laugh. Laugh loud. 140 00:07:36,154 --> 00:07:37,178 Like that? - That's good. Perfect. 141 00:07:37,288 --> 00:07:38,255 I'll see you Saturday then. 142 00:07:38,356 --> 00:07:39,345 Okay, good. Thank you. 143 00:07:39,457 --> 00:07:41,687 Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay? 144 00:07:41,793 --> 00:07:46,355 I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy! 145 00:07:46,464 --> 00:07:48,659 Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again. 146 00:07:48,766 --> 00:07:50,097 I didn't mean this young! 147 00:07:51,769 --> 00:07:53,532 Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah. 148 00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:55,333 My bar mitzvah, it was the last... 149 00:07:55,439 --> 00:07:57,066 And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit. 150 00:07:57,175 --> 00:08:00,508 I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life. 151 00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,977 I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again. 152 00:08:04,148 --> 00:08:07,276 You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling. 153 00:08:07,385 --> 00:08:08,352 This is indicative of the kind of... 154 00:08:08,452 --> 00:08:10,010 Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that! 155 00:08:10,121 --> 00:08:13,352 Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV." 156 00:08:13,457 --> 00:08:16,017 I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going, 157 00:08:16,127 --> 00:08:18,561 "That's the guy." It's the second time it happened. 158 00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:22,963 I got off a... I got off, I got off the bus, and... 159 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,967 I mean, the train. I'm walking out... 160 00:08:59,604 --> 00:09:03,904 Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay. 161 00:09:04,008 --> 00:09:06,943 You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city. 162 00:09:07,044 --> 00:09:09,137 You know, wait, you went to school here, right? 163 00:09:11,515 --> 00:09:12,482 Hello? 164 00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,780 Hey, Laura, it's George. 165 00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:19,550 How's the northern side of California going? 166 00:09:20,424 --> 00:09:22,119 What do you want, George? 167 00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:24,862 I was wondering if you had a few minutes. 168 00:09:24,962 --> 00:09:27,954 I wanted to talk to you about something. 169 00:09:28,432 --> 00:09:32,892 Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door. 170 00:09:33,004 --> 00:09:36,098 Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later? 171 00:09:36,807 --> 00:09:38,775 I know I'm not supposed to call you. 172 00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:41,344 I just wanted to let you know that, 173 00:09:42,914 --> 00:09:46,179 that I really am so sorry about everything. 174 00:09:48,319 --> 00:09:50,310 I'm sorry, I screwed up. 175 00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:54,256 Too bad you didn't realize that back then, but 176 00:09:54,358 --> 00:09:57,623 anyway, I got to go. Do you want me to call you back? 177 00:09:58,663 --> 00:10:01,530 No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to, 178 00:10:01,699 --> 00:10:05,032 but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time. 179 00:10:05,136 --> 00:10:08,037 Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George. 180 00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:09,197 Okay. 181 00:10:15,570 --> 00:10:18,937 You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like, 182 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,532 a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman. 183 00:10:22,644 --> 00:10:26,136 You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what. 184 00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:28,113 That woman's going to be fine. All right, so here's the joke. 185 00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:30,582 You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world. 186 00:10:30,685 --> 00:10:31,652 Yeah. 187 00:10:31,753 --> 00:10:32,913 And you could be unattractive and smart 188 00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:34,181 and make it in the world. - Yeah. 189 00:10:34,289 --> 00:10:37,554 But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed 190 00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:39,320 'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore. 191 00:10:39,427 --> 00:10:40,394 That's funny, man. 192 00:10:40,495 --> 00:10:41,894 That's pretty funny. I think that'll work. 193 00:10:41,997 --> 00:10:43,259 I was thinking of doing this thing where, like, 194 00:10:43,365 --> 00:10:44,889 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 195 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,399 I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know. 196 00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:50,096 Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world, 197 00:10:50,205 --> 00:10:52,105 but I don't. - Yeah, it doesn't work. 198 00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,038 I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the improve. 199 00:10:54,142 --> 00:10:55,131 He okayed me and made me a regular. 200 00:10:56,965 --> 00:10:58,023 Budd won't even look me in the eye. 201 00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:01,125 Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations. 202 00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,101 You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man. 203 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,763 There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man. 204 00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,670 I know. It's lame, right? - Yeah. 205 00:11:06,775 --> 00:11:08,675 No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy. 206 00:11:08,777 --> 00:11:10,005 Oh, God. 207 00:11:10,112 --> 00:11:11,272 Hey, Ira. 208 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:14,543 Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favour and never leave a pay check 209 00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:17,118 from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please? 210 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:20,347 That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my pay check 211 00:11:20,455 --> 00:11:24,152 for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry. 212 00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:25,226 It's a dick move. 213 00:11:25,327 --> 00:11:26,692 It's just, they keep coming, 214 00:11:26,795 --> 00:11:27,989 you know, week after week. 215 00:11:28,096 --> 00:11:30,121 It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all. 216 00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,756 You know what? Becoming marginally famous 217 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,459 has really turned you into an asshole. 218 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:37,699 Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company. 219 00:11:37,806 --> 00:11:39,967 You know that girl comedian who lives across the street? 220 00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,702 The one with the dark hair and the bangs? 221 00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:42,868 Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right. 222 00:11:42,978 --> 00:11:46,175 Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in, 223 00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,841 and she's sitting in our living room right now. 224 00:11:48,951 --> 00:11:50,248 She's out there right now? 225 00:11:50,352 --> 00:11:53,185 She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like... 226 00:11:53,288 --> 00:11:55,620 She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in. 227 00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,624 Yeah, you've got to get out there and talk to her. 228 00:11:57,726 --> 00:11:58,693 Why would you do that? 229 00:11:58,794 --> 00:12:00,125 What do you mean, why would I do that? 230 00:12:00,229 --> 00:12:01,196 I'm trying to hook you up. 231 00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:02,456 Well, I'm laying groundwork, man. 232 00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:04,498 I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this. 233 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,727 I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan. 234 00:12:06,835 --> 00:12:08,393 No, I need 80 more days than that! 235 00:12:08,503 --> 00:12:12,530 Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you. 236 00:12:12,641 --> 00:12:16,509 But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise. 237 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,273 Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you. 238 00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:21,679 I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Foveae! 239 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,251 Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her. 240 00:12:24,353 --> 00:12:25,615 Well, then just don't fuck her! 241 00:12:25,721 --> 00:12:28,053 Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out. 242 00:12:28,156 --> 00:12:31,057 He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before. 243 00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:34,151 I'm going to go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there. 244 00:12:34,496 --> 00:12:35,861 Kenya. Kenya! 245 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,022 No. T.I. T.I. 246 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:38,565 Lil Wheezy. It's all about Common. 247 00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,191 Eminem. - But do you guys know 248 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:42,532 who the greatest rapper of all time is? 249 00:12:43,038 --> 00:12:46,599 William Shakespeare! 250 00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:51,175 I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it. 251 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,440 Yeah. - You know? 252 00:12:52,547 --> 00:12:55,015 It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean... 253 00:12:55,117 --> 00:12:57,017 I can't believe you haven't seen this before. 254 00:12:57,552 --> 00:13:00,521 Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me. 255 00:13:00,622 --> 00:13:04,456 Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something? 256 00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:05,526 No. It's on NBC. 257 00:13:05,627 --> 00:13:06,594 Really? 258 00:13:06,695 --> 00:13:08,492 Ira, this is Daisy. - Oh! 259 00:13:08,597 --> 00:13:09,825 Daisy, Ira. - Hi. 260 00:13:09,931 --> 00:13:10,955 How are you? How's it going? - Good. 261 00:13:11,066 --> 00:13:12,090 Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't... 262 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,189 Oh! 263 00:13:13,702 --> 00:13:14,669 Air shake. 264 00:13:16,438 --> 00:13:18,872 I've actually seen you do comedy at the improve a couple times. 265 00:13:18,974 --> 00:13:20,874 Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny. 266 00:13:20,976 --> 00:13:22,637 Oh, thanks. 267 00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:25,174 You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds. 268 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,009 Oh, congratulations. 269 00:13:27,115 --> 00:13:29,083 Yes, I did. All from my cock. 270 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,414 Um... So... 271 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:36,290 So, this episode right here is actually a two-porter. 272 00:13:36,391 --> 00:13:39,451 Great, so does that mean we're going to watch both parts right now? 273 00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,324 Oh, shoot. Oh, God. 274 00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:42,727 You need some help with that, Ira? 275 00:13:42,831 --> 00:13:44,093 No! No, it's... 276 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,326 It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. 277 00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:47,860 Mmm. 278 00:13:51,073 --> 00:13:53,769 I'm joking. I'll get a rag. 279 00:13:54,142 --> 00:13:56,007 See you in nine days, Ira! 280 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,506 I went to a place recently 281 00:13:58,613 --> 00:14:01,514 I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place 282 00:14:01,616 --> 00:14:07,077 I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery. 283 00:14:07,189 --> 00:14:08,656 Now, the thing at Cold Stone is... 284 00:14:08,757 --> 00:14:11,282 I can't believe this is what people like. 285 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:17,923 The sizes are "like it," "love it" and "got to have it!" 286 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,167 What kind of crack head terminology is that? 287 00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:22,327 "What size you want, man?" 288 00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:24,405 " I don't know, man, I just got to have it! 289 00:14:24,506 --> 00:14:26,838 " Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles! 290 00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:29,672 " Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please! 291 00:14:29,778 --> 00:14:33,179 " Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 292 00:14:33,281 --> 00:14:35,875 " I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 293 00:14:35,984 --> 00:14:37,975 " I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!" 294 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:41,078 That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son! 295 00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:43,753 Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy. 296 00:14:43,859 --> 00:14:45,759 Is it always that wild on a Wednesday? 297 00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:47,488 No, they were... They seem pretty good out there. 298 00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:48,563 I'm really stepping up my game. 299 00:14:48,663 --> 00:14:51,291 These bitches got to start paying me for this. 300 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,801 Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass. 301 00:14:54,903 --> 00:14:55,870 Yeah. 302 00:14:55,971 --> 00:14:57,939 Just awesome. Just fucking bam! 303 00:14:58,039 --> 00:15:02,237 Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick. 304 00:15:04,179 --> 00:15:06,204 You know? I'm going to do the same thing. 305 00:15:07,149 --> 00:15:09,947 Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going. 306 00:15:10,051 --> 00:15:11,040 Yellow! - Ira! 307 00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:14,651 Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up, 308 00:15:14,761 --> 00:15:16,160 so you're going to do 10 minutes after Leo. 309 00:15:16,863 --> 00:15:18,490 Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah. 310 00:15:18,598 --> 00:15:20,498 "Yeah, thanks, yeah." 311 00:15:27,774 --> 00:15:30,402 Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next? 312 00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:32,410 Yeah, I'm on next. Okay. Well, I'm on after you, 313 00:15:32,512 --> 00:15:34,810 and if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket. 314 00:15:36,015 --> 00:15:38,483 That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic. 315 00:15:38,751 --> 00:15:41,083 Okay, when you get the light that means one minute. 316 00:15:41,187 --> 00:15:42,154 Okay. 317 00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:44,514 The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking. 318 00:15:44,624 --> 00:15:45,613 And my balls were like, 319 00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:48,637 "Are you okay? 320 00:15:51,714 --> 00:15:53,204 "Is he hurting you?" 321 00:15:53,983 --> 00:15:56,008 And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do. 322 00:15:56,119 --> 00:15:58,280 " He's a great guy. He loves me. " 323 00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:01,280 There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the... 324 00:16:01,391 --> 00:16:03,018 Hey. George Simmons just showed up. 325 00:16:03,126 --> 00:16:05,253 He wants to go on, so you are bumped. 326 00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:06,862 Okay, how long does he do? 327 00:16:06,963 --> 00:16:07,952 How the fuck should I know? 328 00:16:08,064 --> 00:16:09,656 He hasn't been here in five years, but you got to be ready. 329 00:16:09,766 --> 00:16:10,755 Okay. Okay. 330 00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:13,165 Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here! 331 00:16:14,838 --> 00:16:16,533 See that? I fucking killed out there. - Yeah, that was good. 332 00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:17,901 Watch out, Leo, watch out. All my new shit worked. 333 00:16:18,007 --> 00:16:18,996 Yeah. - Yeah. 334 00:16:19,109 --> 00:16:20,804 I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up. 335 00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,241 Now I'm going to go on after him. 336 00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:23,869 George Simmons is going up right now? - Yeah. 337 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,277 I just opened for George Simmons? 338 00:16:25,381 --> 00:16:26,609 Yeah. 339 00:16:26,716 --> 00:16:28,183 That's fucking awesome, man! 340 00:16:29,819 --> 00:16:31,616 Yeah! 341 00:16:32,255 --> 00:16:34,450 All right! 342 00:16:36,359 --> 00:16:38,327 Yeah, all right, I'm scared. 343 00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,692 I'm scared for all of you guys. 344 00:16:40,797 --> 00:16:44,733 You need me! You need me. I'm not going to be here forever. 345 00:16:45,568 --> 00:16:49,629 Who's going to amuse you? It's so simple. 346 00:16:49,739 --> 00:16:50,899 You just look at each other and say... 347 00:16:53,009 --> 00:16:53,998 Everyone's laughing. 348 00:16:55,737 --> 00:17:00,470 You people are so unmasking you have to pay another person 349 00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:03,908 to come and amuse you. What do you do at home? 350 00:17:04,012 --> 00:17:05,912 Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long, 351 00:17:06,014 --> 00:17:08,505 " When are we going to get to that amusement place? 352 00:17:08,617 --> 00:17:11,916 "Amuse me." You should be thanking me for those movies. 353 00:17:12,187 --> 00:17:14,280 " Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together. " 354 00:17:14,389 --> 00:17:15,947 That's the beauty of movies, by the way. 355 00:17:16,058 --> 00:17:17,821 You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other. 356 00:17:17,926 --> 00:17:19,757 And it's fun. You could stare at the screen. 357 00:17:20,162 --> 00:17:23,723 And, " Maybe we don't hate each other 'cause we both like this movie. 358 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:27,527 " We are connecting on that. 359 00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:30,766 " Hey, we're still together. 360 00:17:30,872 --> 00:17:33,841 "All these years later, we still love each other, right? 361 00:17:33,942 --> 00:17:37,503 " During the movie, yes. When the movie's over, 'You fucking bitch. 362 00:17:38,847 --> 00:17:43,147 " 'W hy am I still with you? We have nothing in common. 363 00:17:43,251 --> 00:17:45,116 "'Something's missing. '" 364 00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:47,483 Anyways, I have no religion. 365 00:17:47,589 --> 00:17:49,580 My parents did not believe in God. 366 00:17:49,691 --> 00:17:51,318 That was great. They passed that along. 367 00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:52,518 I didn't even have a fucking choice. 368 00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:55,255 They were like, "Nope, don't do it." 369 00:17:55,364 --> 00:17:57,798 " Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?" 370 00:17:57,899 --> 00:18:00,333 " Nope, he'll be in the ground. " 371 00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:02,630 " Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause I... 372 00:18:02,738 --> 00:18:04,467 "There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight. " 373 00:18:04,573 --> 00:18:07,406 " Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either. 374 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,442 " Fags have nightmares. 375 00:18:10,979 --> 00:18:13,004 " If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son. 376 00:18:14,806 --> 00:18:15,534 "Pleasant dreams." 377 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,607 Simmons is getting a little dark. 378 00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:17,868 What is he doing? 379 00:18:19,845 --> 00:18:22,405 When you hear the waitress's footsteps 380 00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:27,614 that's when you know you're not doing well. 381 00:18:31,556 --> 00:18:33,456 Oh, boy, it's quiet in here. 382 00:18:37,129 --> 00:18:38,221 You hear that? 383 00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:43,159 I think I can hear the freeway. 384 00:18:44,503 --> 00:18:46,471 Hello! I'm Ira Wright. 385 00:18:47,672 --> 00:18:51,073 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 386 00:18:51,176 --> 00:18:52,609 I'm kind of right in the middle. 387 00:18:52,711 --> 00:18:55,111 So, like, if I had a good personality, 388 00:18:55,213 --> 00:18:57,147 that might make it so girls really liked me, 389 00:18:57,249 --> 00:18:59,217 but I don't. So... 390 00:18:59,551 --> 00:19:01,246 Um... Uh... 391 00:19:02,587 --> 00:19:05,249 Okay. George Simmons. Wow. 392 00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:07,390 Now what do we do? 393 00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:10,860 He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'll... 394 00:19:10,962 --> 00:19:13,522 I could really spend that. 395 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,691 If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm going to do. 396 00:19:17,803 --> 00:19:19,998 I live on my friend's pull-out couch. 397 00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:23,131 So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that? 398 00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:26,574 Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage. 399 00:19:26,678 --> 00:19:28,976 It's sad knowing Merman�s crying inside. 400 00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:30,407 Uh-oh! 401 00:19:30,816 --> 00:19:33,046 Is he organizing a mass suicide? Is that where you're going? 402 00:19:33,151 --> 00:19:34,709 Are you joining him? 403 00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:37,380 Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it. 404 00:19:37,823 --> 00:19:41,657 Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so... 405 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,853 And then Robin Williams is going to slit his wrists out here. 406 00:19:43,962 --> 00:19:45,293 So, that's nice, also. 407 00:19:45,897 --> 00:19:49,196 I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night. 408 00:19:54,239 --> 00:19:55,638 Give me a break. 409 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,841 Yo! Hey! Hey! 410 00:20:08,653 --> 00:20:10,052 This fucking guy. 411 00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:13,251 What's up? 412 00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:16,384 Hey. I'm sorry. 413 00:20:17,229 --> 00:20:20,357 I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in. 414 00:20:20,465 --> 00:20:22,933 What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now? 415 00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,433 You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say. 416 00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:25,867 I'm sorry about that. - No, don't be. 417 00:20:26,171 --> 00:20:28,731 I would've done the same. You had to comment on it. 418 00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:32,234 Yeah, you had some funny shit. 419 00:20:32,344 --> 00:20:33,368 You're a good writer. 420 00:20:33,478 --> 00:20:34,445 Thank you. 421 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,548 Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you? 422 00:20:39,651 --> 00:20:41,881 He's my roommate. - Yeah, he's really funny. 423 00:20:41,987 --> 00:20:44,455 You got good stuff. You're going to be all right. 424 00:20:44,956 --> 00:20:46,924 Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man. 425 00:20:47,025 --> 00:20:48,515 That's so... I appreciate it. Hey! 426 00:20:48,627 --> 00:20:50,925 You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us. 427 00:20:51,029 --> 00:20:53,463 We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally. 428 00:20:53,565 --> 00:20:56,033 So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks. 429 00:20:57,636 --> 00:20:58,796 Thank you! 430 00:21:00,038 --> 00:21:01,164 Nice to meet you, man! 431 00:21:02,374 --> 00:21:04,433 You're going to die! 432 00:21:06,478 --> 00:21:09,003 And I'm going to kill you! 433 00:21:12,817 --> 00:21:14,614 Man, that was awesome. 434 00:21:25,597 --> 00:21:26,564 Cats. 435 00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,594 Can you dig it? - Mmm-hmm. 436 00:21:29,701 --> 00:21:30,963 Just a bunch of cats. 437 00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:33,069 Then me doing stuff. 438 00:21:33,672 --> 00:21:35,697 Then back to the cats doing stuff. 439 00:21:36,641 --> 00:21:39,769 You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this? 440 00:21:39,878 --> 00:21:43,746 Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, 441 00:21:43,848 --> 00:21:45,315 you're going to get a million hits. - Mmm-hmm. 442 00:21:45,417 --> 00:21:46,941 And then I link that to my website 443 00:21:47,052 --> 00:21:49,577 and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius. 444 00:21:49,688 --> 00:21:52,657 Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? 445 00:21:52,757 --> 00:21:55,123 And then more people would Google that. 446 00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:58,286 Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit. 447 00:21:58,396 --> 00:22:00,830 Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch? 448 00:22:00,932 --> 00:22:02,900 I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here. 449 00:22:03,001 --> 00:22:03,968 Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing. 450 00:22:05,136 --> 00:22:06,398 All right? Okay. 451 00:22:09,074 --> 00:22:10,234 Hello? 452 00:22:10,675 --> 00:22:12,302 Hey, this is George Simmons. 453 00:22:13,845 --> 00:22:15,904 Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man? 454 00:22:16,014 --> 00:22:19,006 It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons. 455 00:22:20,385 --> 00:22:21,374 Oh! 456 00:22:21,486 --> 00:22:24,284 I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man? 457 00:22:24,389 --> 00:22:27,358 Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny. 458 00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:30,428 You and the triple-XL version of you. 459 00:22:30,996 --> 00:22:34,796 Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that. 460 00:22:34,899 --> 00:22:36,958 You guys are all right. Good job. I... 461 00:22:37,335 --> 00:22:40,827 I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace 462 00:22:41,406 --> 00:22:44,500 and I'm going to need some jokes and shit. 463 00:22:44,609 --> 00:22:47,203 I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some. 464 00:22:49,247 --> 00:22:52,842 You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm... 465 00:22:52,951 --> 00:22:54,316 I've got nothing going on, man. 466 00:22:54,419 --> 00:22:57,786 I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in. 467 00:22:58,256 --> 00:22:59,450 What kind of jokes do you need? 468 00:22:59,858 --> 00:23:02,952 Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like. 469 00:23:03,061 --> 00:23:06,121 When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know. 470 00:23:06,264 --> 00:23:08,129 That's no problem. That makes sense. 471 00:23:08,233 --> 00:23:10,497 So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow? 472 00:23:10,602 --> 00:23:12,035 I'll take you to the gig. - Okay, cool, yeah. 473 00:23:12,137 --> 00:23:14,795 How should I... How should I... How should I get them to you? 474 00:23:15,707 --> 00:23:18,437 I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. 475 00:23:18,543 --> 00:23:19,635 What's your e-mail? 476 00:23:19,744 --> 00:23:21,939 My e-mail? 477 00:23:22,047 --> 00:23:28,282 It's irasexira@yahoo.com. 478 00:23:30,588 --> 00:23:33,056 Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you. 479 00:23:33,158 --> 00:23:35,524 Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then. 480 00:23:35,627 --> 00:23:36,924 Yeah, you should change it. 481 00:23:37,028 --> 00:23:38,757 It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will. 482 00:23:38,863 --> 00:23:40,125 I mean change it now. 483 00:23:40,231 --> 00:23:42,358 Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP. 484 00:23:43,435 --> 00:23:45,130 Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. 485 00:23:45,236 --> 00:23:49,070 And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff. 486 00:23:49,174 --> 00:23:52,200 Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. 487 00:23:52,310 --> 00:23:54,505 And it's not all good, so don't worry. 488 00:23:54,612 --> 00:23:56,102 Okay, Ira. - Okay. 489 00:23:56,247 --> 00:23:57,976 All right, Ira. 490 00:24:01,653 --> 00:24:04,918 Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone. 491 00:24:05,023 --> 00:24:06,422 He saw me do stand-up. 492 00:24:06,524 --> 00:24:08,890 He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him! 493 00:24:08,993 --> 00:24:10,460 What? - Yep! 494 00:24:10,995 --> 00:24:11,962 Why? 495 00:24:12,063 --> 00:24:13,553 Why? He thinks I'm funny! 496 00:24:13,665 --> 00:24:15,155 This doesn't make any sense at all. 497 00:24:15,266 --> 00:24:16,233 No? 498 00:24:16,768 --> 00:24:18,429 Jeez, I got to get started. 499 00:24:19,737 --> 00:24:20,704 What is happening? 500 00:24:20,805 --> 00:24:21,999 You forgot about the bed! 501 00:24:24,609 --> 00:24:27,134 Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds. 502 00:24:27,245 --> 00:24:29,713 Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life. 503 00:24:29,814 --> 00:24:33,272 The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life. 504 00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:35,318 "How does the softball team at MySpace work? 505 00:24:35,420 --> 00:24:38,253 "Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny. 506 00:24:38,356 --> 00:24:40,790 At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Face book!" 507 00:24:40,892 --> 00:24:42,519 "Fuck Face book in the face!" 508 00:24:43,962 --> 00:24:47,796 So, like, that's funny. - All right, tell George I wrote that, okay? 509 00:24:47,899 --> 00:24:48,888 Totally. Totally, man. You got to be like, 510 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,592 "Leo wrote that." - Yeah, no, no, no, totally. 511 00:25:04,582 --> 00:25:06,243 Hey, Ira, I think this is him! 512 00:25:10,388 --> 00:25:11,787 He's got a limo! 513 00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:12,879 Can we go out and meet him? 514 00:25:12,991 --> 00:25:14,117 No, no, no. You can't say hi to him. 515 00:25:14,225 --> 00:25:16,159 Just let me get in with him a little more 516 00:25:16,261 --> 00:25:17,523 before I introduce people to him. 517 00:25:17,629 --> 00:25:19,028 Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right? 518 00:25:19,130 --> 00:25:21,223 Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard. 519 00:25:21,332 --> 00:25:23,163 I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. - You do? 520 00:25:23,268 --> 00:25:24,565 You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard? 521 00:25:24,669 --> 00:25:25,966 I hate it. 522 00:25:34,179 --> 00:25:35,146 Man! 523 00:25:35,246 --> 00:25:38,044 Hey. I feel like we're going to prom. 524 00:25:38,149 --> 00:25:41,676 Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it! 525 00:25:43,488 --> 00:25:45,217 This is good. I like this one 526 00:25:45,323 --> 00:25:49,054 about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight. 527 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,320 That's funny. 528 00:25:50,428 --> 00:25:51,827 You're excited. 529 00:25:51,930 --> 00:25:52,897 I am excited. 530 00:25:52,997 --> 00:25:54,123 Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited. 531 00:25:54,232 --> 00:25:55,460 I used to be excited. 532 00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:57,728 Well, it's awesome. It's exciting. 533 00:26:05,310 --> 00:26:06,709 Wow! 534 00:26:14,852 --> 00:26:16,114 Thank you! 535 00:26:26,831 --> 00:26:27,957 Yeah! 536 00:26:29,567 --> 00:26:31,967 Brought the nice legs with you. Good job. 537 00:26:32,070 --> 00:26:33,697 Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir. 538 00:26:33,805 --> 00:26:35,067 Welcome aboard. - Thank you. 539 00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:36,162 The name's Dave. - Hi, Dave. 540 00:26:36,274 --> 00:26:37,298 We may hit a few bumps up there, 541 00:26:37,408 --> 00:26:38,602 nothing too crazy. We'll get you there. 542 00:26:38,710 --> 00:26:39,699 Okay, cool! All right. 543 00:26:39,811 --> 00:26:41,745 Hope you enjoy Chinese food. - I love it! 544 00:26:41,846 --> 00:26:43,746 Very good. Enjoy your flight. - Thank you. 545 00:26:44,616 --> 00:26:45,583 Wow! 546 00:26:50,722 --> 00:26:52,849 You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first. 547 00:26:52,957 --> 00:26:55,892 Karen, she's a silver sun 548 00:26:55,994 --> 00:26:59,555 You'd best walk her way and watch it shine 549 00:27:00,798 --> 00:27:04,097 Watch her watch the morning come 550 00:27:06,704 --> 00:27:13,337 A silver tear appearing now that I'm crying', isn�t I 551 00:27:13,811 --> 00:27:18,248 I'm going to Carolina in my mind 552 00:27:18,349 --> 00:27:19,543 How'd you guys get him? 553 00:27:19,651 --> 00:27:20,777 Everybody's got their price. 554 00:27:20,885 --> 00:27:23,410 Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon. 555 00:27:24,489 --> 00:27:27,083 That love's the finest thing around... 556 00:27:27,225 --> 00:27:30,194 Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go, 557 00:27:30,295 --> 00:27:32,229 "Fuck Face book in the face!" 558 00:27:32,330 --> 00:27:34,958 All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there. 559 00:27:35,667 --> 00:27:39,034 What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man? 560 00:27:39,137 --> 00:27:41,332 I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there. 561 00:27:41,906 --> 00:27:48,778 Oh, yeah 562 00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:54,312 Thank you, MySpace! 563 00:27:57,455 --> 00:27:58,888 Fuck Face book! 564 00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:03,424 I can't believe that. He did the Face book joke! 565 00:28:03,528 --> 00:28:05,189 Yeah! He did the Face book... 566 00:28:05,296 --> 00:28:07,321 I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now. 567 00:28:07,432 --> 00:28:11,129 Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man. 568 00:28:13,237 --> 00:28:14,932 This is a pretty big room. 569 00:28:17,475 --> 00:28:18,464 Lot of people here. 570 00:28:19,981 --> 00:28:23,075 Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody. 571 00:28:30,191 --> 00:28:32,682 Yeah, do you actually use MySpace? 572 00:28:33,861 --> 00:28:36,762 No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that. 573 00:28:37,532 --> 00:28:40,797 I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other. 574 00:28:42,003 --> 00:28:44,631 Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know. 575 00:28:49,110 --> 00:28:51,203 Tom or Craig, who's tougher? 576 00:28:51,913 --> 00:28:55,076 Tom has more friends, so that's probably good. 577 00:28:55,183 --> 00:28:57,048 Craig has weirder friends, though. 578 00:28:58,719 --> 00:29:02,553 Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that. 579 00:29:08,930 --> 00:29:09,919 Eh? 580 00:29:10,031 --> 00:29:10,998 What the fuck was that all about? 581 00:29:11,098 --> 00:29:12,622 You did all the jokes you wrote for me. 582 00:29:12,733 --> 00:29:15,031 Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted. 583 00:29:15,136 --> 00:29:16,535 They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want... 584 00:29:16,637 --> 00:29:17,865 That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes. 585 00:29:17,972 --> 00:29:19,234 I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one. 586 00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:20,329 That one will work. 587 00:29:20,441 --> 00:29:21,408 I guarantee you. 588 00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:23,477 It better work. They're paying me 300 grand. 589 00:29:23,578 --> 00:29:25,341 Mr. George Simmons! - Really? 590 00:29:29,650 --> 00:29:33,711 Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you. 591 00:29:33,821 --> 00:29:37,416 Good evening, nerds! Yes! 592 00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:40,892 What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah. 593 00:29:40,995 --> 00:29:42,690 That guy, man. 594 00:29:42,797 --> 00:29:46,392 He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people. 595 00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:51,100 Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it. 596 00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,864 So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace, 597 00:29:53,975 --> 00:29:57,877 the less friends you have in real life. You know? 598 00:29:57,979 --> 00:30:00,641 "I have 100,000 friends on MySpace! 599 00:30:01,215 --> 00:30:02,682 " Yes! 600 00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:07,753 " Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer. " 601 00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:09,523 "What are you doing tonight?" 602 00:30:09,624 --> 00:30:11,421 " I'll be on the computer. 603 00:30:12,293 --> 00:30:13,920 "That's what I do." 604 00:30:17,665 --> 00:30:20,600 I hate the new generation of coolness out there. 605 00:30:20,701 --> 00:30:24,967 You just never get any information out of people you talk to, the youngsters. 606 00:30:25,072 --> 00:30:27,199 "Hey, what are you doing?" "Just chilling." 607 00:30:27,708 --> 00:30:30,336 All right. I know, you're chilling. 608 00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:35,849 "What're you doing tonight?" "Things." "Okay." 609 00:30:35,950 --> 00:30:38,214 I like dumb people, you know. They like to talk to you. 610 00:30:38,319 --> 00:30:40,787 "Hey, what's going on?" "I like lollypops." 611 00:30:42,323 --> 00:30:43,290 "Good." 612 00:30:46,827 --> 00:30:49,421 " My favourite colour is butterscotch. " 613 00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:55,528 Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over? 614 00:30:56,404 --> 00:30:59,100 Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick? 615 00:31:00,207 --> 00:31:02,641 Yeah, I don't like... I don't like blowjobs very much. 616 00:31:02,743 --> 00:31:04,506 I don't like... A lot of guys like the blowjobs, 617 00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:08,139 I don't love them. I never know what to do with my hands. You know? 618 00:31:08,249 --> 00:31:10,046 I'm always like... 619 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:16,980 You can either go hands on the hips or the salute is fun. 620 00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:22,429 Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you. 621 00:31:22,530 --> 00:31:24,657 You're like, " Really? You want to do it? All right. " 622 00:31:25,232 --> 00:31:26,893 I got some advice for the ladies out there. 623 00:31:27,001 --> 00:31:31,404 When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say, 624 00:31:31,505 --> 00:31:34,565 " You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth. 625 00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:41,710 " Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking, 626 00:31:42,216 --> 00:31:47,085 " but with you, I got a ball in my mouth! 627 00:31:47,288 --> 00:31:49,153 " That's never happened! 628 00:31:50,424 --> 00:31:56,090 " Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear. 629 00:31:57,698 --> 00:31:59,791 "Normally I have a stutter." 630 00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:04,661 That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long. 631 00:32:04,772 --> 00:32:06,763 Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job. 632 00:32:06,874 --> 00:32:08,637 Thank you so much, man. 633 00:32:08,743 --> 00:32:10,973 I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you. 634 00:32:11,078 --> 00:32:14,377 Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up. 635 00:32:14,482 --> 00:32:15,449 Okay. 636 00:32:15,549 --> 00:32:17,813 And my assistant got pregnant. 637 00:32:17,918 --> 00:32:20,250 I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian 638 00:32:20,354 --> 00:32:21,321 the whole time, but... 639 00:32:21,422 --> 00:32:22,650 They can get pregnant, too. 640 00:32:23,791 --> 00:32:25,156 That's nice. That's very nice. - Yeah. 641 00:32:25,259 --> 00:32:28,751 So, you want to kind of assist me, you know? 642 00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:29,955 Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not... 643 00:32:30,064 --> 00:32:31,292 I mean, you can write jokes for me, too, 644 00:32:31,399 --> 00:32:32,388 but get me sodas... 645 00:32:32,500 --> 00:32:33,467 Whatever you need, man! 646 00:32:33,567 --> 00:32:35,228 ...and, like, clean my shit up and... - Yeah. 647 00:32:35,336 --> 00:32:36,826 How much money you make now? 648 00:32:36,937 --> 00:32:38,370 It depends on how many hours. 649 00:32:38,472 --> 00:32:39,734 Usually, I can get about... 650 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,569 I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week. 651 00:32:41,676 --> 00:32:43,303 That's amazing, man. Thank you so much. 652 00:32:43,411 --> 00:32:44,810 You want to fuck these two girls? 653 00:32:46,313 --> 00:32:48,781 Hey, the JT. 654 00:32:49,417 --> 00:32:51,044 George. That was the best. You killed them. 655 00:32:51,152 --> 00:32:52,119 Ira. 656 00:32:52,219 --> 00:32:54,380 Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello. 657 00:32:54,789 --> 00:32:55,813 You want to fuck these girls? 658 00:32:55,923 --> 00:33:00,019 I filled my quota in 1982, I believe. 659 00:33:00,127 --> 00:33:01,253 All right, I'll have to figure this shit out. 660 00:33:01,362 --> 00:33:02,351 I know those girls. 661 00:33:02,463 --> 00:33:04,158 You do? Do you want to meet those girls? 662 00:33:04,265 --> 00:33:06,790 Will you fucking settle down? Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle. 663 00:33:07,001 --> 00:33:10,129 You're twitching like a fucking madman. That guy in porno? 664 00:33:10,638 --> 00:33:12,196 No. I would know. - No? 665 00:33:16,091 --> 00:33:18,025 Mandy. Well, hi there. 666 00:33:18,127 --> 00:33:20,152 You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there. 667 00:33:20,262 --> 00:33:21,957 I'm ready for you. 668 00:33:22,064 --> 00:33:23,395 Yeah. Oh, my God. 669 00:33:25,801 --> 00:33:27,598 Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah. 670 00:33:27,703 --> 00:33:29,227 I like that thing. Good. Well, go for it. 671 00:33:29,338 --> 00:33:30,771 It's hard. Bam! 672 00:33:33,475 --> 00:33:34,772 This house is crazy. 673 00:33:34,877 --> 00:33:36,139 Oh, yeah, you got to see the whole thing. 674 00:33:36,245 --> 00:33:37,974 Come here. It came furnished. 675 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,069 Really? 676 00:33:40,249 --> 00:33:43,480 That's my man, Ira. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey. 677 00:33:43,585 --> 00:33:46,383 Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick. 678 00:33:47,589 --> 00:33:49,056 See you, George. 679 00:33:54,763 --> 00:33:57,254 Hey, want to have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest? 680 00:34:10,279 --> 00:34:11,906 You didn't go under. 681 00:34:13,682 --> 00:34:16,014 Nothing's going to happen between us. 682 00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:20,984 I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons. 683 00:34:21,256 --> 00:34:23,520 Yeah, he can't believe it, either. 684 00:34:23,859 --> 00:34:26,259 My dad loves your movies. 685 00:34:26,361 --> 00:34:29,990 Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad. 686 00:34:38,740 --> 00:34:41,300 Dad, this won't bring Mom back! 687 00:34:41,410 --> 00:34:44,402 I have nothing else! 688 00:34:44,513 --> 00:34:47,277 You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion! 689 00:34:53,255 --> 00:34:55,018 Oh! You're still here. 690 00:34:56,258 --> 00:34:57,816 I know that asshole. 691 00:34:58,961 --> 00:35:00,826 You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go? 692 00:35:00,929 --> 00:35:04,194 No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it. 693 00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:06,058 Yeah. John. Yeah. 694 00:35:06,602 --> 00:35:09,162 Your friend took off. She thought you left, so... 695 00:35:09,271 --> 00:35:10,238 Really? 696 00:35:10,339 --> 00:35:11,567 That's what happens in a big house. 697 00:35:11,673 --> 00:35:12,970 It's called "the big house problem." 698 00:35:13,075 --> 00:35:15,669 Your friend actually left her purse down the hall. 699 00:35:15,777 --> 00:35:17,210 You want to go get it with me? 700 00:35:17,312 --> 00:35:18,279 Oh. Okay. 701 00:35:23,585 --> 00:35:25,246 Don't you leave on me, Ira. 702 00:35:25,787 --> 00:35:26,947 Fuck me like Merman! 703 00:35:27,055 --> 00:35:30,354 Come on! Do Merman! Do the Merman call! 704 00:35:30,726 --> 00:35:31,693 Come on! 705 00:35:31,793 --> 00:35:34,694 Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God! 706 00:35:39,768 --> 00:35:41,133 Hey. - Oh. Hey. 707 00:35:41,737 --> 00:35:43,830 Sorry about the chick, man. I... 708 00:35:43,939 --> 00:35:46,339 You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen. 709 00:35:46,441 --> 00:35:48,500 Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying. 710 00:35:48,610 --> 00:35:50,339 She told me she had a boyfriend. 711 00:35:50,746 --> 00:35:53,340 Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too. 712 00:35:53,448 --> 00:35:56,212 When she was sucking my cock! 713 00:36:00,789 --> 00:36:02,780 What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours? 714 00:36:02,891 --> 00:36:06,054 You got to use it! You got to share Thicken with the world. 715 00:36:06,161 --> 00:36:07,822 I don't... It's normal. 716 00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:11,263 You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep? 717 00:36:12,201 --> 00:36:14,669 Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do. 718 00:36:15,737 --> 00:36:20,037 Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night. 719 00:36:20,609 --> 00:36:21,598 That was a good night. 720 00:36:21,710 --> 00:36:22,677 Yeah, that was crazy. 721 00:36:22,778 --> 00:36:23,745 Yeah. 722 00:36:23,845 --> 00:36:26,609 So, you slept with both those girls, man. 723 00:36:27,549 --> 00:36:28,709 How did you do that? 724 00:36:29,218 --> 00:36:30,913 How did I do that? There's this... 725 00:36:31,019 --> 00:36:34,978 Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know. 726 00:36:35,090 --> 00:36:36,785 I take advantage of it, though. 727 00:36:36,892 --> 00:36:38,985 Believe me, they always leave disappointed. 728 00:36:39,595 --> 00:36:41,529 That's amazing. 729 00:36:43,832 --> 00:36:46,494 Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, Ira Wright. 730 00:36:46,602 --> 00:36:48,467 That's not your real name, right? 731 00:36:49,137 --> 00:36:50,263 How could you tell? 732 00:36:51,506 --> 00:36:53,531 You're hiding some Judaism. 733 00:36:53,642 --> 00:36:55,507 No, my real last name is Wiener. 734 00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,340 It's Ira Wiener and everyone... 735 00:36:57,446 --> 00:37:01,382 It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people. 736 00:37:01,483 --> 00:37:03,781 So, that's what led you to the path of comedy. 737 00:37:03,885 --> 00:37:06,945 Being humiliated every day. First day of school, 738 00:37:07,055 --> 00:37:09,046 "Is Ira Wiener here?" 739 00:37:09,157 --> 00:37:10,124 And you were in the back. 740 00:37:10,225 --> 00:37:13,786 "Wiener. My name's Wiener." 741 00:37:13,895 --> 00:37:16,295 You little fruit. What were your parents like? 742 00:37:16,398 --> 00:37:19,367 What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like? 743 00:37:20,369 --> 00:37:21,393 My parents are divorced. 744 00:37:21,503 --> 00:37:26,338 They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil. 745 00:37:27,676 --> 00:37:29,837 I don't know what that makes me, technically, but... 746 00:37:30,279 --> 00:37:32,372 So, you'll never be as funny as me. 747 00:37:32,481 --> 00:37:33,470 Why not? 748 00:37:33,582 --> 00:37:36,574 Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny, 749 00:37:36,685 --> 00:37:42,248 but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!" 750 00:37:43,425 --> 00:37:48,863 I just... You got to break out the funny a lot quicker than your little foggy childhood. 751 00:37:50,899 --> 00:37:52,423 Are you serious? 752 00:37:52,534 --> 00:37:55,935 I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh. 753 00:37:56,605 --> 00:37:59,438 I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there. 754 00:38:05,013 --> 00:38:08,779 Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming. 755 00:38:09,518 --> 00:38:11,543 When's the first time you fingered a girl? 756 00:38:11,653 --> 00:38:14,918 I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field. 757 00:38:17,693 --> 00:38:22,426 And her name was Sharon Mizrahi. 758 00:38:23,198 --> 00:38:26,429 I didn't know what to do. I got really scared. 759 00:38:26,535 --> 00:38:30,266 She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard, 760 00:38:30,372 --> 00:38:32,203 like she was just trying to murder it. 761 00:38:42,517 --> 00:38:43,848 Morning. - Yeah, baby. 762 00:38:43,952 --> 00:38:46,819 It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen. 763 00:38:47,322 --> 00:38:49,119 Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it? 764 00:38:49,224 --> 00:38:51,590 No, no. You're good. You're safe. 765 00:38:51,727 --> 00:38:52,694 What do you got there? 766 00:38:52,794 --> 00:38:54,955 This is medicine, Ira. I'm sick. 767 00:38:55,063 --> 00:38:57,725 One of those girls have Chlamydia? I thought she smelled funny. 768 00:38:57,833 --> 00:38:59,460 Is that what it is? - Yeah. 769 00:39:00,001 --> 00:39:05,029 I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukaemia. 770 00:39:05,774 --> 00:39:08,470 This is experimental medicine from Canada. 771 00:39:09,211 --> 00:39:14,171 There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me. 772 00:39:14,616 --> 00:39:16,982 Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, 773 00:39:17,085 --> 00:39:18,712 I would've read about it or heard about that. 774 00:39:18,820 --> 00:39:19,912 You didn't hear about it because 775 00:39:20,021 --> 00:39:23,013 I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight. 776 00:39:23,125 --> 00:39:24,956 Well, why would you tell me? 777 00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:26,857 'Cause I don't really know you, Ira. 778 00:39:26,962 --> 00:39:30,090 I think you're not going to get too weird about this. 779 00:39:30,198 --> 00:39:33,531 I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's going to die. 780 00:39:33,835 --> 00:39:37,931 So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it. 781 00:39:38,039 --> 00:39:40,974 They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine. 782 00:39:41,076 --> 00:39:42,600 Why are you telling me this, George? 783 00:39:42,711 --> 00:39:45,544 'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favour. 784 00:39:45,647 --> 00:39:46,841 Okay. Yeah. What? 785 00:39:47,649 --> 00:39:48,741 Kill me. 786 00:39:49,518 --> 00:39:50,485 What? 787 00:39:50,585 --> 00:39:51,711 Nobody knows we know each other. 788 00:39:51,820 --> 00:39:54,380 You're a stranger. You can get away with this. 789 00:39:54,489 --> 00:39:57,617 I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable. 790 00:39:57,726 --> 00:40:00,718 I'll give you $50,000. 791 00:40:00,829 --> 00:40:06,859 Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you. 792 00:40:07,169 --> 00:40:09,160 Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it? 793 00:40:09,271 --> 00:40:10,397 Ha! 794 00:40:10,505 --> 00:40:12,496 Think about it? You would do it! 795 00:40:12,607 --> 00:40:15,269 Oh, I hate you, man. - Oh, no! 796 00:40:15,377 --> 00:40:21,043 Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer! 797 00:40:21,149 --> 00:40:22,138 Screw you, man. 798 00:40:22,250 --> 00:40:23,239 You wanted to do it! 799 00:40:23,351 --> 00:40:25,842 What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off? 800 00:40:25,954 --> 00:40:27,421 You would still want to do it! 801 00:40:27,522 --> 00:40:29,251 That wasn't even good acting over there! 802 00:40:29,357 --> 00:40:30,654 What the fuck? - That was good acting. 803 00:40:30,759 --> 00:40:32,750 Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech. 804 00:40:32,861 --> 00:40:35,455 I bought that, man. Wow! 805 00:40:35,564 --> 00:40:38,795 Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am going to die. 806 00:40:39,201 --> 00:40:41,032 George, look. Honestly, I'm like... Don't get close, Ira. 807 00:40:41,136 --> 00:40:42,626 ...a really gullible guy. Don't do this. 808 00:40:42,737 --> 00:40:44,068 Look, my friends, they trick me all the time. 809 00:40:44,172 --> 00:40:45,833 One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pasic�s son. 810 00:40:45,941 --> 00:40:48,432 I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it, 811 00:40:48,543 --> 00:40:50,477 so just, please, level with me, man. 812 00:40:50,579 --> 00:40:52,877 Are you serious? - I am serious, Ira. 813 00:40:53,415 --> 00:40:55,383 Don't tell anybody about this though, all right? 814 00:40:55,484 --> 00:40:57,042 I want it to be our secret. 815 00:40:57,152 --> 00:40:59,712 Now, you're going to make me some eggs. Okay, murderer? 816 00:41:00,255 --> 00:41:01,222 Don't say that. 817 00:41:01,323 --> 00:41:03,223 Just try not to kill any of the staff 818 00:41:03,325 --> 00:41:06,021 while I'm gone, okay? They have families. 819 00:41:06,795 --> 00:41:08,353 Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed... 820 00:41:08,463 --> 00:41:09,657 I mean, he's taking medicine. 821 00:41:09,764 --> 00:41:12,255 He's getting this special medicine from Canada. 822 00:41:12,567 --> 00:41:14,432 Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. 823 00:41:14,536 --> 00:41:18,063 Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told. 824 00:41:18,173 --> 00:41:21,142 That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird... 825 00:41:21,276 --> 00:41:23,904 I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know. 826 00:41:24,012 --> 00:41:26,003 Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one. 827 00:41:26,114 --> 00:41:27,411 Come on, that's not appropriate. 828 00:41:27,516 --> 00:41:28,949 I don't want that anyway. 829 00:41:30,785 --> 00:41:32,776 I just don't know. I mean, it's... 830 00:41:32,888 --> 00:41:34,788 It's really scary. I've never even... 831 00:41:34,890 --> 00:41:37,188 I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick, 832 00:41:37,292 --> 00:41:39,760 you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just... 833 00:41:39,861 --> 00:41:42,694 George Simmons. He's been around my whole life. 834 00:41:42,797 --> 00:41:44,765 It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know? 835 00:41:44,866 --> 00:41:45,833 I know. 836 00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:47,526 Can we not talk about this right now? 837 00:41:47,802 --> 00:41:49,929 I'm not really good with the whole death thing. 838 00:41:50,038 --> 00:41:51,369 Is that all right? 839 00:41:51,473 --> 00:41:53,805 I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now. 840 00:41:53,909 --> 00:41:56,036 I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about. 841 00:41:56,144 --> 00:42:00,046 I'm going to tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death. 842 00:42:00,982 --> 00:42:03,712 When I was younger, my grandfather died 843 00:42:03,818 --> 00:42:05,376 and we were all gathered around him 844 00:42:05,487 --> 00:42:08,684 and there was this one candle next to his bed. 845 00:42:08,790 --> 00:42:13,989 And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out. 846 00:42:14,462 --> 00:42:15,486 Wow. - Yeah. 847 00:42:15,597 --> 00:42:18,361 And we looked around, and there were no windows. 848 00:42:18,934 --> 00:42:21,459 Like, nothing in that room. 849 00:42:22,203 --> 00:42:24,728 And it sounds crazy, but we all thought 850 00:42:24,839 --> 00:42:27,171 it was him going to heaven, you know? 851 00:42:27,275 --> 00:42:29,505 You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. 852 00:42:29,611 --> 00:42:30,578 I think he went to hell. 853 00:42:31,780 --> 00:42:33,338 What'd you just say? - I just... 854 00:42:33,448 --> 00:42:35,143 I think your grandfather probably went to hell. 855 00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:37,184 Don't do it. Are you kidding me right now? 856 00:42:37,285 --> 00:42:38,877 I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you. 857 00:42:38,987 --> 00:42:40,113 You're going to make fun of me right now, 858 00:42:40,221 --> 00:42:42,246 just after I opened up to you guys like that? 859 00:42:42,357 --> 00:42:44,052 It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell. 860 00:42:44,159 --> 00:42:45,217 It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell. 861 00:42:46,694 --> 00:42:47,683 Come on. Don't be a jerk to me 862 00:42:47,795 --> 00:42:49,353 just because I make more money than you guys. 863 00:42:49,464 --> 00:42:50,431 How much do you make again? 864 00:42:51,866 --> 00:42:54,835 You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me. 865 00:42:54,936 --> 00:42:56,335 Okay, and don't be super bummed out 866 00:42:56,437 --> 00:42:59,338 'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now. 867 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:00,930 Shit, dude, don't. 868 00:43:04,646 --> 00:43:06,273 I got to get rid of this stuff. 869 00:43:07,549 --> 00:43:10,074 Man, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. 870 00:43:11,119 --> 00:43:13,644 The more money you make, the more free shit they give you. 871 00:43:13,755 --> 00:43:18,215 It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future. 872 00:43:18,326 --> 00:43:19,987 All this shit was free? 873 00:43:20,094 --> 00:43:21,061 You want a TV, Ira? 874 00:43:21,162 --> 00:43:24,427 I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere. 875 00:43:24,532 --> 00:43:27,695 Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or... 876 00:43:27,802 --> 00:43:30,532 You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's... 877 00:43:30,638 --> 00:43:33,038 I got some cars in storage you could sell for me 878 00:43:33,141 --> 00:43:35,166 and just give that money to charity. 879 00:43:35,276 --> 00:43:36,243 I can do that, yeah. 880 00:43:36,344 --> 00:43:37,368 I'm going to write a list out for you, 881 00:43:37,478 --> 00:43:39,412 give you a bunch of things I want you to do. 882 00:43:39,514 --> 00:43:40,640 What size sneaker are you? 883 00:43:40,748 --> 00:43:41,715 Eleven and a half. 884 00:43:41,816 --> 00:43:44,910 You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing. 885 00:43:45,019 --> 00:43:46,714 Come on, pull the cock out. 886 00:43:46,821 --> 00:43:47,810 I'm not going to show it to you. 887 00:43:47,922 --> 00:43:48,889 What the fuck's the matter with you? 888 00:43:48,990 --> 00:43:50,218 I'm not going to do anything with it. 889 00:43:50,325 --> 00:43:52,190 I just want to know what I'm dealing with. 890 00:43:52,293 --> 00:43:53,351 If you give me an iPod. 891 00:43:53,461 --> 00:43:54,758 You asshole. 892 00:43:54,862 --> 00:43:56,295 All right, you can have anything in here, 893 00:43:56,397 --> 00:43:58,297 but you got to take the Merman poster. 894 00:43:58,399 --> 00:44:00,333 No, I want... I love Merman! 895 00:44:00,435 --> 00:44:01,732 I knew you loved Merman. 896 00:44:01,836 --> 00:44:03,770 You and five-year-olds love Merman. 897 00:44:04,439 --> 00:44:05,633 It's a smart movie. 898 00:44:07,609 --> 00:44:12,069 So, which, specifically, of the cars belong to George Simmons? 899 00:44:12,714 --> 00:44:14,238 Which one? - Yeah. 900 00:44:14,349 --> 00:44:15,543 All of them. 901 00:44:16,017 --> 00:44:17,348 All of them? - Yeah. 902 00:44:17,452 --> 00:44:18,817 Well... 903 00:44:19,354 --> 00:44:21,322 How would I go about selling? 904 00:44:22,257 --> 00:44:23,815 Selling them? - Yeah. 905 00:44:24,259 --> 00:44:26,989 Well, I don't know about selling them but I can make a few disappear. 906 00:44:27,095 --> 00:44:28,426 You know what I'm saying? 907 00:44:29,397 --> 00:44:30,728 I don't want to do that. 908 00:44:30,832 --> 00:44:32,800 I don't want to do that, either. 909 00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:34,467 Just kidding. 910 00:44:40,775 --> 00:44:43,539 Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach! 911 00:44:44,746 --> 00:44:45,940 And action! 912 00:44:46,047 --> 00:44:47,947 All right now... Bradford! 913 00:44:48,049 --> 00:44:49,676 Yeah? What is this? 914 00:44:51,768 --> 00:44:53,030 Bo's English test. 915 00:44:53,136 --> 00:44:54,467 Well, there's a mistake. 916 00:44:55,405 --> 00:44:57,066 Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes. 917 00:44:57,173 --> 00:44:58,800 That's why there's an F on it. 918 00:44:58,908 --> 00:45:02,400 You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday. 919 00:45:02,512 --> 00:45:04,139 Either you make this right, 920 00:45:04,247 --> 00:45:09,082 or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk! 921 00:45:10,387 --> 00:45:11,615 Shit. 922 00:45:11,721 --> 00:45:13,018 I can't be a part of this. I'm not... 923 00:45:13,123 --> 00:45:14,351 Yeah. I'm going to go. 924 00:45:15,759 --> 00:45:17,283 This is just so painful, though, isn't it? 925 00:45:17,394 --> 00:45:19,692 Yes, I want to kill myself. 926 00:45:20,597 --> 00:45:23,088 So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right? 927 00:45:23,199 --> 00:45:24,860 Yep. Delaware. 928 00:45:24,968 --> 00:45:27,869 Delaware! Our first state in the Union. 929 00:45:27,971 --> 00:45:29,438 Yes, it is. 930 00:45:29,739 --> 00:45:31,866 That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right? 931 00:45:31,975 --> 00:45:33,636 Yeah, there's not. That's weird. 932 00:45:33,743 --> 00:45:35,643 You know so much about Delaware. 933 00:45:35,745 --> 00:45:37,337 You fucking Joe Biden? 934 00:45:37,447 --> 00:45:39,415 He's from Delaware. - See? I knew that. 935 00:45:40,517 --> 00:45:42,849 Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap. 936 00:45:42,952 --> 00:45:44,078 Yeah! - All right? 937 00:45:44,187 --> 00:45:46,678 Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right? 938 00:45:46,790 --> 00:45:48,052 Do you like music? 939 00:45:48,158 --> 00:45:49,420 Did you just ask me if I liked music? 940 00:45:49,526 --> 00:45:52,290 Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question. 941 00:45:52,395 --> 00:45:54,158 It's like asking me if I like food. 942 00:45:54,264 --> 00:45:56,255 That was my next question. 943 00:45:56,499 --> 00:45:57,864 Yes. - Good. 944 00:45:57,967 --> 00:46:01,562 Wilcox. Do you like Wilcox? Wilcox�s playing at the Greek Theatre. 945 00:46:01,671 --> 00:46:04,139 And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me. 946 00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:06,504 Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilcox. 947 00:46:06,609 --> 00:46:07,598 Great. 948 00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:12,147 Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together. 949 00:46:12,248 --> 00:46:13,613 Not anymore. 950 00:46:14,717 --> 00:46:15,945 You serious? 951 00:46:16,820 --> 00:46:18,515 No, I'll go. - Oh, okay. Thank you. 952 00:46:18,621 --> 00:46:19,610 Just don't say that ever again. 953 00:46:19,722 --> 00:46:20,689 Okay. I won't. 954 00:46:20,790 --> 00:46:22,280 Yo, Teach! - Yeah? 955 00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:24,417 Thanks. 956 00:46:25,028 --> 00:46:25,995 Word. 957 00:46:26,596 --> 00:46:32,662 Do-ra-mi, wiener 958 00:46:32,769 --> 00:46:36,330 My name is Wiener 959 00:46:36,940 --> 00:46:40,034 My name is Wiener My name is Wiener 960 00:46:40,143 --> 00:46:41,838 Don't call me wiener 961 00:46:42,212 --> 00:46:45,511 Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum? 962 00:46:45,615 --> 00:46:47,674 Got some good ones, I think, actually. 963 00:46:48,051 --> 00:46:51,543 I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know, 964 00:46:51,654 --> 00:46:52,780 and so you bought a private jet, 965 00:46:52,889 --> 00:46:54,049 but you're afraid of flying, 966 00:46:54,157 --> 00:46:55,124 so you just drive in it. 967 00:46:55,225 --> 00:46:56,419 Oh, that's funny. 968 00:46:56,526 --> 00:46:58,858 You just go to drive-through and car washes. 969 00:46:58,962 --> 00:47:01,624 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good. 970 00:47:02,232 --> 00:47:05,793 I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like, 971 00:47:05,902 --> 00:47:09,338 you're getting older and you found the first gray hair on your balls. 972 00:47:09,439 --> 00:47:11,669 And it really worried you, but then you realized it was good 973 00:47:11,774 --> 00:47:14,140 'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart. 974 00:47:14,244 --> 00:47:17,702 Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe, 975 00:47:17,814 --> 00:47:21,944 your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie. 976 00:47:22,051 --> 00:47:25,043 Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that. 977 00:47:25,155 --> 00:47:26,179 What else you got? 978 00:47:26,289 --> 00:47:29,918 Actually, this just kind of happened. 979 00:47:30,994 --> 00:47:33,428 I'm making you an iTunes playlist. 980 00:47:33,530 --> 00:47:35,464 For what? - Sometimes, when I'm upset, 981 00:47:35,565 --> 00:47:39,001 music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe... 982 00:47:39,102 --> 00:47:40,626 Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing? 983 00:47:40,737 --> 00:47:41,897 I was going to just put it on your iPod. 984 00:47:42,005 --> 00:47:43,267 I don't have to play it right now. 985 00:47:43,373 --> 00:47:45,204 For what? For when I go out jogging? I don't need to... 986 00:47:45,308 --> 00:47:48,937 Let me hear it. I don't jog anymore. Let me hear my playlist. 987 00:47:50,747 --> 00:47:52,612 988 00:47:57,253 --> 00:48:00,313 Ira! Ira! 989 00:48:01,324 --> 00:48:03,155 Okay, you don't have to make fun of it. 990 00:48:03,259 --> 00:48:05,022 No, Bob Marley! 991 00:48:05,128 --> 00:48:08,825 Yes. Everything is going to be all right. You're right, Ira. 992 00:48:08,932 --> 00:48:11,958 Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley. 993 00:48:12,068 --> 00:48:13,399 He dead now. 994 00:48:13,503 --> 00:48:14,936 What else you put on there for me? 995 00:48:15,038 --> 00:48:16,437 I really don't want to do this, George. 996 00:48:16,539 --> 00:48:17,972 Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did this. 997 00:48:18,074 --> 00:48:19,473 Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay? 998 00:48:19,576 --> 00:48:23,535 No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's going to cheer me up! This is good. 999 00:48:23,646 --> 00:48:25,136 Come on. What else you got? 1000 00:48:25,248 --> 00:48:26,579 Okay, here's the next one. 1001 00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:33,245 Now I've had the time of my life 1002 00:48:33,356 --> 00:48:36,154 No, I never felt like this before 1003 00:48:36,259 --> 00:48:37,658 I don't know what to say to that one. 1004 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,355 That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and... 1005 00:48:41,931 --> 00:48:44,900 Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay? 1006 00:48:45,001 --> 00:48:46,798 Oh, God. That's a good song. 1007 00:48:46,903 --> 00:48:50,066 Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable. 1008 00:48:50,173 --> 00:48:51,868 You sure you want to hear another one? 1009 00:48:51,975 --> 00:48:52,964 I don't... - Yeah! Yeah, yeah. 1010 00:48:53,076 --> 00:48:55,044 This is fun to be cheered up. 1011 00:48:55,144 --> 00:48:56,133 I'm sorry... 1012 00:49:01,317 --> 00:49:05,686 Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath 1013 00:49:06,823 --> 00:49:09,792 Keep me in your heart for a while 1014 00:49:11,594 --> 00:49:16,361 If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less 1015 00:49:17,634 --> 00:49:20,694 Keep me in your heart for a while 1016 00:49:22,372 --> 00:49:27,400 When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun 1017 00:49:28,411 --> 00:49:31,403 Keep me in your heart for a while 1018 00:49:33,383 --> 00:49:36,318 Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot. 1019 00:49:36,419 --> 00:49:37,977 Okay, I'm sorry. 1020 00:49:39,188 --> 00:49:42,180 Keep me in your heart for a while 1021 00:49:43,426 --> 00:49:45,792 So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever going to get married. 1022 00:49:45,895 --> 00:49:47,920 I just... I can't find a reason to do it, you know? 1023 00:49:48,031 --> 00:49:49,430 Like, I got friends, like, 1024 00:49:49,532 --> 00:49:51,329 " You got to get married. My wife. 1025 00:49:51,501 --> 00:49:53,332 " My wife is a... She's the best cook. 1026 00:49:53,436 --> 00:49:54,664 "My wife's the... You got to." 1027 00:49:54,771 --> 00:49:57,137 And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook." 1028 00:49:59,475 --> 00:50:01,534 " But my wife, she's my best friend. " 1029 00:50:02,412 --> 00:50:04,710 " Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy. " You know? 1030 00:50:05,648 --> 00:50:07,479 This could be funny. 1031 00:50:07,583 --> 00:50:11,417 Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George. 1032 00:50:11,521 --> 00:50:13,512 He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here! 1033 00:50:13,923 --> 00:50:15,618 "Not you, the dog." 1034 00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:18,525 "George, I... Look at this awesome book I just got!" 1035 00:50:18,628 --> 00:50:20,118 And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog." 1036 00:50:20,229 --> 00:50:21,218 That's funny. - Yeah. 1037 00:50:21,331 --> 00:50:23,925 " Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you. " - "Hey, thanks, Dad." 1038 00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:25,967 "Not you, the dog." 1039 00:50:26,069 --> 00:50:27,969 " Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. " 1040 00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:33,706 Fuck him. 1041 00:50:33,807 --> 00:50:39,143 I miss the dry hump as a concept in my life. It just doesn't... 1042 00:50:39,246 --> 00:50:43,080 I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't need a big dick to be a good dry hamper. 1043 00:50:43,183 --> 00:50:46,175 You just need a big thigh, that's all you need. 1044 00:50:46,287 --> 00:50:49,222 Be able to get your thigh in there real good. 1045 00:50:49,323 --> 00:50:52,190 I can thigh the hell out of a girl. 1046 00:50:52,293 --> 00:50:56,389 Sexually, I'm completely terrible, but I could do this all day. 1047 00:50:57,097 --> 00:51:02,034 I'm very rich, by the way. I know that makes you fee good about your life. 1048 00:51:02,136 --> 00:51:03,296 I got so much. 1049 00:51:03,404 --> 00:51:06,032 "You have so much. Why not me?" 1050 00:51:06,140 --> 00:51:08,870 I have people stop m on the streets sometimes, just go, 1051 00:51:08,976 --> 00:51:13,072 "You have so much!" "Yes, yes." "Why not me?" 1052 00:51:13,180 --> 00:51:14,147 Like, "I don't know." 1053 00:51:14,248 --> 00:51:19,015 "Why you? I came out here to do what you do. " 1054 00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:20,086 "Well, you're not doing it." 1055 00:51:20,187 --> 00:51:22,018 " No, I'm not! 1056 00:51:22,122 --> 00:51:25,956 " Fuck you! I want all your money and all your whores. " 1057 00:51:27,094 --> 00:51:29,085 Airplanes are the last public place 1058 00:51:29,196 --> 00:51:31,664 where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares. 1059 00:51:32,099 --> 00:51:34,033 'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise. 1060 00:51:34,134 --> 00:51:35,123 They just don't know it's you. 1061 00:51:35,235 --> 00:51:37,863 Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met 1062 00:51:37,972 --> 00:51:39,837 and be sitting this far away from them 1063 00:51:39,940 --> 00:51:42,500 and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson 1064 00:51:42,609 --> 00:51:45,476 and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just... 1065 00:51:46,747 --> 00:51:49,181 " Yeah? Where's your grandson from?" 1066 00:51:49,283 --> 00:51:52,013 My asshole's been open this whole time. It's just still... 1067 00:51:54,221 --> 00:51:57,987 Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when I... When I drop you off later? 1068 00:51:58,092 --> 00:51:59,491 Help you with some of your bits? - Yeah. 1069 00:51:59,593 --> 00:52:01,527 No. I'm not going to help you, man. 1070 00:52:01,628 --> 00:52:04,028 No one helped me when I started. 1071 00:52:04,131 --> 00:52:06,429 Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me. 1072 00:52:06,533 --> 00:52:08,398 No, okay. You're right, you're right. 1073 00:52:08,502 --> 00:52:12,097 There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away. 1074 00:52:12,206 --> 00:52:17,109 Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away. 1075 00:52:17,211 --> 00:52:22,376 " I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags 1076 00:52:22,483 --> 00:52:24,383 "and then she got away." 1077 00:52:26,353 --> 00:52:28,753 I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do. 1078 00:52:30,124 --> 00:52:33,423 " Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot. " 1079 00:52:35,221 --> 00:52:36,347 Yeah, I'm going to write a song back. 1080 00:52:36,455 --> 00:52:40,858 I'm going to be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth! 1081 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:46,330 " Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!" 1082 00:52:47,767 --> 00:52:49,132 I masturbate so much with hand cream, 1083 00:52:49,235 --> 00:52:52,830 I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. 1084 00:52:52,939 --> 00:52:55,134 Literally when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, 1085 00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:57,971 I'm like, " This guy's about to jerk off!" 1086 00:52:58,177 --> 00:52:59,201 Can I ask you something? 1087 00:52:59,312 --> 00:53:03,544 Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? 1088 00:53:03,649 --> 00:53:06,846 All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. 1089 00:53:06,953 --> 00:53:08,648 You think a girl's going to come up to you after the show, 1090 00:53:09,055 --> 00:53:11,922 "Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" 1091 00:53:12,024 --> 00:53:14,925 It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever? 1092 00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:29,473 How will you people live without me? 1093 00:53:31,043 --> 00:53:35,742 Who will bring you joy when I'm gone? 1094 00:53:37,717 --> 00:53:41,710 'Cause I'm one funny man 1095 00:53:42,021 --> 00:53:45,149 I bring the comedy 1096 00:53:45,258 --> 00:53:50,025 I am the one you go to, to get cheered up 1097 00:53:52,198 --> 00:53:55,895 Put in my movies 1098 00:53:56,002 --> 00:54:02,134 Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness 1099 00:54:05,144 --> 00:54:08,113 He doesn't have patience 1100 00:54:08,214 --> 00:54:14,642 He hates so many people He's mad when others do well 1101 00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:21,223 He hates himself Fuck George Simmons 1102 00:54:21,661 --> 00:54:24,858 He has a medium-sized penis 1103 00:54:24,964 --> 00:54:29,833 He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers 1104 00:54:30,303 --> 00:54:33,397 When he's done fucking them 1105 00:54:33,639 --> 00:54:37,040 The girl just lays there and says 1106 00:54:37,143 --> 00:54:42,046 I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Dame instead of you 1107 00:54:42,982 --> 00:54:48,045 Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! 1108 00:54:49,722 --> 00:54:54,182 George Simmons soon will be gone 1109 00:54:57,296 --> 00:55:00,561 And he will not miss you people at all. 1110 00:55:02,034 --> 00:55:05,492 Our relationship has always been strained. 1111 00:55:05,604 --> 00:55:10,473 You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you. 1112 00:55:11,377 --> 00:55:15,871 Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers. 1113 00:55:17,450 --> 00:55:18,576 Peace! 1114 00:55:32,531 --> 00:55:33,998 Oh, my God, it's George Simmons! 1115 00:55:34,900 --> 00:55:37,425 What are you doing here? What's happening? 1116 00:55:37,536 --> 00:55:41,304 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 1117 00:55:41,407 --> 00:55:42,999 I can't get this thing ever to work. 1118 00:55:43,109 --> 00:55:47,273 I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off. 1119 00:55:47,380 --> 00:55:49,848 I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second 1120 00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,816 and the all don't work for shit. 1121 00:55:52,918 --> 00:55:55,944 It's always going up to the roof. 1122 00:55:56,055 --> 00:55:57,249 What time is it? 1123 00:55:57,356 --> 00:55:58,846 It says 3:00. 1124 00:55:59,692 --> 00:56:04,288 It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I got to... 1125 00:56:06,599 --> 00:56:09,090 All right, let's start my goddamn day. 1126 00:56:10,069 --> 00:56:11,502 I don't got time for this shit. 1127 00:56:11,604 --> 00:56:14,198 Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on. 1128 00:56:16,742 --> 00:56:18,937 They keep telling me that I got to dial an extension. 1129 00:56:19,044 --> 00:56:22,912 I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension! 1130 00:56:23,015 --> 00:56:24,039 Do you want me to try calling them? 1131 00:56:24,283 --> 00:56:25,750 You should have fucking called them! 1132 00:56:25,851 --> 00:56:28,081 Where the fuck were you last night? 1133 00:56:28,454 --> 00:56:29,478 You'll call them. 1134 00:56:29,588 --> 00:56:30,987 I'm sorry, man. 1135 00:56:31,090 --> 00:56:32,751 Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay? 1136 00:56:32,858 --> 00:56:35,918 You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works! 1137 00:56:36,028 --> 00:56:38,895 Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick! 1138 00:56:38,998 --> 00:56:41,831 These guys are trying to fucking kill me! 1139 00:56:42,601 --> 00:56:45,832 I want to go to the doctor. I got to see this guy. 1140 00:56:45,938 --> 00:56:48,304 What the fuck is happening? 1141 00:56:49,809 --> 00:56:53,142 This medicine does not work. It makes it worse! 1142 00:56:53,245 --> 00:56:55,338 Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay? 1143 00:56:55,448 --> 00:56:57,040 Now. We got to go now. 1144 00:56:57,149 --> 00:56:58,241 I'll call them right now, okay? 1145 00:56:58,350 --> 00:57:00,250 Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs. 1146 00:57:08,894 --> 00:57:13,456 Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude. 1147 00:57:13,566 --> 00:57:14,533 I'm sorry. 1148 00:57:14,633 --> 00:57:15,600 Fucking playing Centipede? 1149 00:57:15,701 --> 00:57:17,032 What the fuck were you playing? 1150 00:57:17,136 --> 00:57:18,899 Just a driving game. 1151 00:57:20,539 --> 00:57:21,528 Hello, Mr. Simmons. 1152 00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:22,607 Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you. 1153 00:57:22,708 --> 00:57:23,766 How are you? I brought my friend. 1154 00:57:23,876 --> 00:57:28,006 This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything. 1155 00:57:28,113 --> 00:57:30,638 How are you? What's going on? How we doing? 1156 00:57:30,749 --> 00:57:33,809 Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle. 1157 00:57:34,386 --> 00:57:36,251 The medicine is trying to combat the disease, 1158 00:57:36,355 --> 00:57:38,755 but in the process it destroys healthy tissue 1159 00:57:38,858 --> 00:57:41,156 and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs 1160 00:57:41,260 --> 00:57:43,728 and multiple lymphatic systems, 1161 00:57:43,829 --> 00:57:45,956 so you're getting attacked on two levels. 1162 00:57:46,298 --> 00:57:48,232 And we hope the disease is vanquished 1163 00:57:48,334 --> 00:57:51,235 before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained. 1164 00:57:51,670 --> 00:57:53,262 Okay. 1165 00:57:53,372 --> 00:57:54,999 Your accent is very thick. 1166 00:57:56,542 --> 00:57:57,839 You ever notice your accent 1167 00:57:57,943 --> 00:58:01,470 makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are? 1168 00:58:01,981 --> 00:58:04,176 You could give good news, and I'd still be like, 1169 00:58:04,283 --> 00:58:05,978 "What happened? Am I still dying?" 1170 00:58:06,919 --> 00:58:08,352 I'm just trying to help you. 1171 00:58:08,754 --> 00:58:11,052 I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from, 1172 00:58:11,156 --> 00:58:17,026 but here I keep thinking you're going to be torturing James Bond later. 1173 00:58:17,129 --> 00:58:21,031 I'm sure your sense of humour will serve you well in this situation. 1174 00:58:21,433 --> 00:58:26,029 There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth. 1175 00:58:26,539 --> 00:58:28,370 You are a very funny man. 1176 00:58:28,474 --> 00:58:30,738 Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard? 1177 00:58:31,176 --> 00:58:33,610 I don't understand the reference. 1178 00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,241 He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie. 1179 00:58:38,851 --> 00:58:40,978 I assure you I was not in The Matrix. 1180 00:58:41,086 --> 00:58:44,112 Why did you eat Bjorn Borg? What did he do to you? 1181 00:58:44,223 --> 00:58:47,989 If you have no other questions, I do have other patients. 1182 00:58:48,093 --> 00:58:52,029 You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day? 1183 00:58:52,131 --> 00:58:53,598 How many patients do you frighten a day? 1184 00:58:53,699 --> 00:58:56,566 And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed 1185 00:58:56,669 --> 00:59:00,366 by these humorous activities from you guys. 1186 00:59:01,173 --> 00:59:02,140 So, I think you and... 1187 00:59:02,241 --> 00:59:03,765 We have discussed this and I am very, 1188 00:59:03,876 --> 00:59:06,310 very sympathetic to your recovery, 1189 00:59:06,545 --> 00:59:09,946 and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing. 1190 00:59:10,049 --> 00:59:12,574 I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys 1191 00:59:12,685 --> 00:59:14,846 for, like, six months and I got to... 1192 00:59:14,954 --> 00:59:16,819 IKEA? That's very funny. 1193 00:59:27,232 --> 00:59:29,132 Hey. Yo, Teach. - Hey. 1194 00:59:30,936 --> 00:59:32,631 How's... How was the taping? 1195 00:59:32,738 --> 00:59:35,502 Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it. 1196 00:59:35,608 --> 00:59:37,200 I think the ending really murdered. 1197 00:59:37,309 --> 00:59:40,107 Was it a very special episode? 1198 00:59:41,814 --> 00:59:44,248 You remember Daisy, right? 1199 00:59:44,350 --> 00:59:45,578 Yeah, of course. 1200 00:59:46,085 --> 00:59:47,109 Hey. 1201 00:59:47,219 --> 00:59:48,481 I'm sorry. 1202 00:59:48,587 --> 00:59:50,214 I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight. 1203 00:59:50,322 --> 00:59:53,018 I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and... 1204 00:59:53,125 --> 00:59:57,061 Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh? 1205 00:59:57,162 --> 01:00:00,723 Yeah, I gave you an extra 11. 1206 01:00:00,833 --> 01:00:01,959 What are you guys talking about? 1207 01:00:02,067 --> 01:00:03,898 Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool. 1208 01:00:04,003 --> 01:00:06,164 Don't give a shit. Totally fine. 1209 01:00:11,076 --> 01:00:13,271 Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. 1210 01:00:14,980 --> 01:00:15,969 Hurry�s getting old. 1211 01:00:16,081 --> 01:00:17,048 He's, like, older than my dad. 1212 01:00:17,149 --> 01:00:18,616 They should call him Harold Potter. 1213 01:00:19,485 --> 01:00:21,578 That Hermione's got some big, old tittles. 1214 01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:26,685 Whoa! 1215 01:00:26,792 --> 01:00:30,728 Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here. 1216 01:00:30,829 --> 01:00:33,730 This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub. 1217 01:00:35,334 --> 01:00:36,665 Why is Ira so upset? 1218 01:00:36,769 --> 01:00:39,135 It's been, like, way after 10 days. 1219 01:00:39,238 --> 01:00:42,298 He can't call dibs on every girl he meets. 1220 01:00:42,675 --> 01:00:45,166 We were supposed to go out on a date together. 1221 01:00:45,277 --> 01:00:47,905 We are going out on a date. - I thought so. 1222 01:00:48,013 --> 01:00:49,173 We're not anymore! No! 1223 01:00:49,281 --> 01:00:50,270 Really? 1224 01:00:50,382 --> 01:00:54,478 'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me! 1225 01:00:54,620 --> 01:00:56,588 What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that. 1226 01:00:57,089 --> 01:01:00,286 Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker. 1227 01:01:00,392 --> 01:01:02,690 You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him. 1228 01:01:02,795 --> 01:01:04,456 And he's not even that famous! 1229 01:01:04,563 --> 01:01:07,726 What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate? 1230 01:01:07,833 --> 01:01:11,792 What if I lived with, you know, James McIvor or Jude Law or something? 1231 01:01:12,337 --> 01:01:14,635 I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people. 1232 01:01:14,740 --> 01:01:15,707 Don't say that. 1233 01:01:15,808 --> 01:01:17,400 I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit. 1234 01:01:17,676 --> 01:01:19,200 I can't believe that! 1235 01:01:20,913 --> 01:01:26,146 If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would. 1236 01:01:26,285 --> 01:01:27,650 You would have sex with her. 1237 01:01:27,753 --> 01:01:30,119 No, I'd feel really uncomfortable. 1238 01:01:30,255 --> 01:01:32,553 And then I might ask her to a Wilcox show. 1239 01:01:32,658 --> 01:01:37,027 Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that. 1240 01:01:37,529 --> 01:01:40,089 I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months 1241 01:01:40,199 --> 01:01:41,223 and then have sex with a guy. 1242 01:01:41,333 --> 01:01:42,300 I didn't think you would just... 1243 01:01:42,401 --> 01:01:44,460 I'm an independent woman. 1244 01:01:44,570 --> 01:01:47,038 I'm allowed to fuck people. 1245 01:01:47,339 --> 01:01:50,400 Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner! 1246 01:01:52,111 --> 01:01:54,545 Give me a break. I don't even know you. 1247 01:01:54,747 --> 01:01:57,682 This is the longest conversation we've ever had. 1248 01:02:03,555 --> 01:02:08,424 Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days. 1249 01:02:08,527 --> 01:02:10,017 I gave you three weeks. 1250 01:02:13,432 --> 01:02:14,660 I thought you were joking, man. 1251 01:02:14,767 --> 01:02:17,235 I'm going to be honest with you. 1252 01:02:17,336 --> 01:02:20,134 We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet. 1253 01:02:21,507 --> 01:02:22,474 That's how it works. 1254 01:02:22,574 --> 01:02:25,600 If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with, 1255 01:02:25,711 --> 01:02:27,303 I wouldn't sleep with anybody. 1256 01:02:27,412 --> 01:02:29,937 It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this. 1257 01:02:30,482 --> 01:02:32,279 I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her... 1258 01:02:32,384 --> 01:02:36,718 I can never do anything like that with her. 1259 01:02:36,822 --> 01:02:41,122 So, you're really not going to chase this girl just because I was with her? 1260 01:02:41,226 --> 01:02:42,284 Yeah. 1261 01:02:43,028 --> 01:02:44,086 Huh. 1262 01:02:44,963 --> 01:02:47,090 It's kind of insulting, on some level. 1263 01:02:49,935 --> 01:02:52,267 Want to go to Wilcox with me? 1264 01:02:53,105 --> 01:02:56,097 I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire. 1265 01:02:56,208 --> 01:02:58,802 I might play his little brother in this movie. 1266 01:03:03,916 --> 01:03:05,474 I hope I get it. 1267 01:03:10,522 --> 01:03:14,014 Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of? 1268 01:03:14,126 --> 01:03:15,855 Well, I, you know, I got a few good offers, 1269 01:03:15,961 --> 01:03:18,395 but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and I... 1270 01:03:18,497 --> 01:03:20,362 They keep on wanting to buy all of them 1271 01:03:20,465 --> 01:03:21,864 and it's hard for me to... Don't make it a big deal. 1272 01:03:21,967 --> 01:03:24,800 Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them. 1273 01:03:24,903 --> 01:03:26,097 Give it to a charity. Move on. 1274 01:03:26,205 --> 01:03:27,172 Okay. 1275 01:03:27,339 --> 01:03:28,533 I just want to be happy about 1276 01:03:28,640 --> 01:03:29,664 giving something away, you know. 1277 01:03:29,775 --> 01:03:30,742 Okay. 1278 01:03:30,843 --> 01:03:31,810 So... 1279 01:03:33,445 --> 01:03:36,039 There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George. 1280 01:03:36,148 --> 01:03:37,240 Uh-oh. 1281 01:03:38,050 --> 01:03:39,278 Yeah. 1282 01:03:39,384 --> 01:03:43,878 I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition. 1283 01:03:45,557 --> 01:03:47,024 I don't want to do that. 1284 01:03:47,125 --> 01:03:48,558 George, people care about you. 1285 01:03:48,660 --> 01:03:50,628 You have to let them be there for you. 1286 01:03:51,597 --> 01:03:55,397 I tell somebody, then it's all going to change, and you can't get it back. 1287 01:03:56,201 --> 01:03:58,032 Everything's already changed, George, 1288 01:03:58,136 --> 01:04:02,300 and the truth is soon you're going to start getting very sick 1289 01:04:02,407 --> 01:04:04,466 and you are going to want someone other than me there. 1290 01:04:05,010 --> 01:04:07,205 I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet? 1291 01:04:07,312 --> 01:04:09,405 My parents are in their mid-70s. 1292 01:04:09,514 --> 01:04:12,176 They would drop dead if they heard about this. 1293 01:04:12,284 --> 01:04:14,081 Friends. You must want to tell your friends. 1294 01:04:14,186 --> 01:04:16,211 I don't really have any friends. 1295 01:04:16,321 --> 01:04:18,619 I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with, 1296 01:04:18,724 --> 01:04:20,521 but there's nobody I'm really close with. 1297 01:04:20,626 --> 01:04:22,059 I've got showbiz friends. 1298 01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:25,596 Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know. 1299 01:04:25,697 --> 01:04:28,165 You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you. 1300 01:04:29,368 --> 01:04:31,427 You have to tell someone other than me, man. 1301 01:04:31,536 --> 01:04:33,197 I can't be the only one who knows. 1302 01:04:33,305 --> 01:04:34,738 I've never dealt with anything like this. 1303 01:04:34,840 --> 01:04:37,206 All my grandparents are alive. 1304 01:04:37,309 --> 01:04:40,676 Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry. 1305 01:04:40,779 --> 01:04:43,714 I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George. 1306 01:04:43,849 --> 01:04:45,817 As a man, you are crying right now. 1307 01:04:45,918 --> 01:04:46,907 I'm not crying. 1308 01:04:47,019 --> 01:04:49,283 People are going to think we just broke up or something, Ira. 1309 01:04:49,388 --> 01:04:51,049 Stop doing what you're doing. 1310 01:04:51,156 --> 01:04:52,145 Okay, I'll stop. 1311 01:04:52,257 --> 01:04:56,159 You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, Ira. 1312 01:04:56,762 --> 01:04:59,253 Open your eyes. Stop crying. 1313 01:05:00,465 --> 01:05:02,865 You're making noises now? You look like the Incredible Hulk. 1314 01:05:04,069 --> 01:05:05,934 Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp, 1315 01:05:06,038 --> 01:05:07,437 you asshole. - I'm sorry. 1316 01:05:08,807 --> 01:05:09,774 God, I'm sorry. 1317 01:05:09,875 --> 01:05:10,864 Come on. Wipe it off. 1318 01:05:11,677 --> 01:05:13,235 Jesus Christ. 1319 01:05:14,212 --> 01:05:16,544 I'm sorry, I just don't know. 1320 01:05:16,648 --> 01:05:17,945 This is the worst. 1321 01:05:18,050 --> 01:05:20,518 Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball? 1322 01:05:21,586 --> 01:05:23,645 You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass. 1323 01:05:26,291 --> 01:05:29,124 This could have been the best meal, ever. 1324 01:05:30,295 --> 01:05:31,728 Should I get you ice chips or something? 1325 01:05:31,830 --> 01:05:33,661 No, I'm good. 1326 01:05:34,433 --> 01:05:35,798 You never had any kids, huh? 1327 01:05:35,901 --> 01:05:37,425 No. No. We didn't get to that. 1328 01:05:37,536 --> 01:05:39,026 I have three. 1329 01:05:39,137 --> 01:05:40,104 I know. 1330 01:05:40,205 --> 01:05:42,298 Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy. 1331 01:05:42,407 --> 01:05:46,571 How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown? 1332 01:05:46,678 --> 01:05:50,307 I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina. 1333 01:05:51,917 --> 01:05:54,681 I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways. 1334 01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,879 Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know, 1335 01:05:56,989 --> 01:05:58,354 the Dr. Death call, you know. 1336 01:05:58,457 --> 01:06:01,255 "This is Dr. Death! You're going to die." 1337 01:06:01,360 --> 01:06:03,225 "Don't be afraid, George. 1338 01:06:03,328 --> 01:06:08,129 "It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!" 1339 01:06:08,734 --> 01:06:10,258 Yeah. Fuck negativity. 1340 01:06:10,369 --> 01:06:12,963 Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey! 1341 01:06:13,905 --> 01:06:15,896 I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now. 1342 01:06:16,675 --> 01:06:18,939 Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother. 1343 01:06:19,044 --> 01:06:20,409 You were a terrible brother. 1344 01:06:20,512 --> 01:06:21,911 You just left us and you didn't care. 1345 01:06:22,014 --> 01:06:23,914 You didn't give a shit about us. 1346 01:06:24,016 --> 01:06:25,881 You don't even give a... You moved to Kansas. 1347 01:06:25,984 --> 01:06:27,918 Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? - Yes. 1348 01:06:28,020 --> 01:06:30,511 I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors. 1349 01:06:30,622 --> 01:06:31,953 You're so fucking selfish. 1350 01:06:32,057 --> 01:06:33,046 I know. 1351 01:06:33,191 --> 01:06:36,251 You've only seen my son, like, three times. 1352 01:06:36,361 --> 01:06:39,159 I send him fucking DVDs all the time. 1353 01:06:39,264 --> 01:06:41,255 He doesn't want your DVDs. 1354 01:06:41,366 --> 01:06:42,924 He wants you to be a part of his life. 1355 01:06:43,035 --> 01:06:45,026 He wants to be a part of yours. 1356 01:06:45,137 --> 01:06:47,571 Wow. This has been great. 1357 01:06:47,672 --> 01:06:51,506 I want to call Dad now and just have more family time. 1358 01:06:51,710 --> 01:06:54,679 What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad. 1359 01:06:57,049 --> 01:06:59,381 You are right. 1360 01:06:59,484 --> 01:07:03,648 You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son. 1361 01:07:03,755 --> 01:07:06,724 I'm sorry I don't know you anymore. 1362 01:07:06,892 --> 01:07:09,019 I'm glad you don't know me. 1363 01:07:09,127 --> 01:07:10,219 I wish I did. 1364 01:07:11,763 --> 01:07:14,630 You'd be let down, believe me. 1365 01:07:22,774 --> 01:07:24,571 Oh, man. 1366 01:07:30,515 --> 01:07:32,005 Oh, God. 1367 01:07:35,187 --> 01:07:36,779 Who's that? 1368 01:07:36,888 --> 01:07:38,788 That's the girl I was going to marry... 1369 01:07:40,125 --> 01:07:42,320 ...but then she smartened up. 1370 01:07:43,195 --> 01:07:45,629 So, she's 10 and she's six. 1371 01:07:45,730 --> 01:07:48,096 So cute. 1372 01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:50,259 Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh? 1373 01:07:50,368 --> 01:07:51,357 Yeah. 1374 01:07:51,470 --> 01:07:54,303 What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him? 1375 01:07:54,406 --> 01:07:56,966 That's all Laura. 1376 01:07:57,142 --> 01:07:58,871 They fight a lot, but they're cute. 1377 01:07:59,377 --> 01:08:03,143 Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here. 1378 01:08:03,715 --> 01:08:04,977 I wanted to come. I wanted to see you. 1379 01:08:05,083 --> 01:08:06,277 You didn't have to come here. 1380 01:08:06,384 --> 01:08:09,080 You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you. 1381 01:08:09,521 --> 01:08:11,921 I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry. 1382 01:08:12,457 --> 01:08:14,755 I'm so sorry about everything I did. 1383 01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:18,022 You don't have to be sorry. That was 12 years ago. 1384 01:08:18,130 --> 01:08:19,961 Everything worked out for the best. 1385 01:08:20,065 --> 01:08:22,226 It's good. Look at your life. This is great. 1386 01:08:22,634 --> 01:08:28,197 Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all. 1387 01:08:28,306 --> 01:08:29,466 I haven't been... You don't hate it. 1388 01:08:29,574 --> 01:08:32,475 I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it. 1389 01:08:32,911 --> 01:08:35,812 Hello, Wayne. This is Ira. I'm calling to say 1390 01:08:35,914 --> 01:08:39,077 I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George. 1391 01:08:39,384 --> 01:08:42,410 Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like. 1392 01:08:42,521 --> 01:08:44,785 Thank you. I'll talk to you soon. 1393 01:08:46,191 --> 01:08:48,386 You have a family now. You have a family now. 1394 01:08:48,493 --> 01:08:51,257 I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on. 1395 01:08:51,363 --> 01:08:53,456 You got a good life. 1396 01:08:53,565 --> 01:08:56,693 And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that. 1397 01:08:56,801 --> 01:08:59,361 I hate that it could have been me with you. 1398 01:08:59,471 --> 01:09:00,631 Don't do that, please? 1399 01:09:00,739 --> 01:09:02,366 I'm sorry. I just fucking... 1400 01:09:02,474 --> 01:09:04,840 You... I could have had those kids with you. 1401 01:09:05,844 --> 01:09:09,473 How could you cheat on me? I was so hot. 1402 01:09:09,581 --> 01:09:11,105 You were. You were so hot. I don't know. 1403 01:09:11,216 --> 01:09:12,513 I was hot! 1404 01:09:12,617 --> 01:09:15,484 I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. 1405 01:09:15,587 --> 01:09:20,115 I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else. 1406 01:09:20,225 --> 01:09:21,817 What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else. 1407 01:09:21,927 --> 01:09:23,588 I only remember you. I don't know. 1408 01:09:23,695 --> 01:09:26,630 I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us. 1409 01:09:26,731 --> 01:09:29,928 They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen. 1410 01:09:30,035 --> 01:09:31,900 The only thing that happened was us. 1411 01:09:32,003 --> 01:09:34,699 And you ran away 'cause you had to. 1412 01:09:34,806 --> 01:09:36,603 I had to go. 1413 01:09:36,708 --> 01:09:39,939 At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore. 1414 01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:42,240 Yeah. But you know what I realized? 1415 01:09:42,347 --> 01:09:43,974 I love my husband, 1416 01:09:45,383 --> 01:09:48,045 but it's just not the same. 1417 01:09:49,087 --> 01:09:52,716 And I loved you so much and... 1418 01:09:54,292 --> 01:09:56,453 I know, I know, I know, I know. 1419 01:09:56,561 --> 01:09:59,792 I have the same thing. I have the same thing. 1420 01:09:59,898 --> 01:10:02,492 Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. 1421 01:10:02,634 --> 01:10:05,762 I love you. I love you. I always loved you. 1422 01:10:05,870 --> 01:10:09,362 And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too. 1423 01:10:09,474 --> 01:10:10,441 I hate... 1424 01:10:10,542 --> 01:10:12,203 He's like an Australian you. 1425 01:10:13,011 --> 01:10:16,913 I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy? 1426 01:10:17,015 --> 01:10:20,212 It's just that you were the one. 1427 01:10:20,318 --> 01:10:25,654 Just you are... Were... Are the love... 1428 01:10:28,526 --> 01:10:32,360 Love of my life. And I just love you. 1429 01:10:40,905 --> 01:10:43,271 Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it? 1430 01:10:46,611 --> 01:10:48,738 You're not sick, are you? 1431 01:10:48,847 --> 01:10:51,907 You're just doing that to get me down here, huh? 1432 01:10:54,853 --> 01:10:56,377 There are those hands again. 1433 01:10:56,488 --> 01:10:57,955 My big hands. 1434 01:10:58,089 --> 01:10:59,954 Always made my penis look small. 1435 01:11:01,159 --> 01:11:03,650 Thank you, hands, for that complex. 1436 01:11:05,730 --> 01:11:08,164 Yes. Jeez. 1437 01:11:08,266 --> 01:11:13,738 The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. 1438 01:11:13,739 --> 01:11:14,227 Okay. 1439 01:11:14,339 --> 01:11:16,739 1440 01:11:21,980 --> 01:11:23,038 Yeah. 1441 01:11:25,183 --> 01:11:26,810 That was worth it. 1442 01:11:27,252 --> 01:11:29,152 We're into overtime now, just so you know. 1443 01:11:29,254 --> 01:11:31,119 Jeez, that came quick. 1444 01:11:31,222 --> 01:11:33,190 I wish that you guys were really my friends 1445 01:11:33,291 --> 01:11:35,919 and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me. 1446 01:11:37,429 --> 01:11:40,398 All right, so let's keep going then. 1447 01:11:53,645 --> 01:11:57,274 All my little plans and schemes 1448 01:11:59,351 --> 01:12:03,617 Lost like some forgotten dream 1449 01:12:05,090 --> 01:12:06,284 Seems like all I... 1450 01:12:06,391 --> 01:12:08,018 Diego. - Yes, George? 1451 01:12:08,126 --> 01:12:09,855 The roses look terrific. 1452 01:12:09,961 --> 01:12:11,553 Thank you. They sure look beautiful. 1453 01:12:11,663 --> 01:12:15,292 Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful. 1454 01:12:16,735 --> 01:12:20,501 Don't need to be alone 1455 01:12:22,574 --> 01:12:26,340 No need to be alone 1456 01:12:29,381 --> 01:12:34,614 It's real love It's real 1457 01:12:34,719 --> 01:12:37,085 Yes, it's real love 1458 01:12:37,188 --> 01:12:38,655 You doing stand-up at all? 1459 01:12:38,757 --> 01:12:41,248 This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years. 1460 01:12:41,359 --> 01:12:42,849 But I will sometimes, in my house, 1461 01:12:42,994 --> 01:12:45,087 in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes. 1462 01:12:45,196 --> 01:12:47,562 Not good stuff. It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know. 1463 01:12:47,665 --> 01:12:48,893 But, you know, all kidding aside, 1464 01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,331 I know you're in a terrible situation, 1465 01:12:50,435 --> 01:12:53,029 but even with that, you look so much better than him. 1466 01:12:57,542 --> 01:13:01,808 The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands 1467 01:13:02,947 --> 01:13:07,543 I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams 1468 01:13:07,652 --> 01:13:09,552 We watched your last movie on video. 1469 01:13:09,888 --> 01:13:12,254 A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue. 1470 01:13:12,390 --> 01:13:14,585 You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny. 1471 01:13:14,692 --> 01:13:16,091 I'll tell you who was a great comedian. 1472 01:13:16,194 --> 01:13:17,559 Please say me. Who? 1473 01:13:17,662 --> 01:13:18,629 Jackie Gleason. 1474 01:13:18,730 --> 01:13:19,856 Yeah, of course. 1475 01:13:19,964 --> 01:13:22,057 You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney. 1476 01:13:24,936 --> 01:13:28,030 Gleason was terrific. And you isn�t so bad. 1477 01:13:28,139 --> 01:13:30,107 All right. Thank you, Pop. I know. 1478 01:13:30,208 --> 01:13:31,835 It's real 1479 01:13:31,976 --> 01:13:35,503 It's real love, oh, yeah 1480 01:13:37,315 --> 01:13:42,048 It's real love, yeah 1481 01:13:43,054 --> 01:13:48,253 It's real love It's real 1482 01:13:52,464 --> 01:13:55,228 I think I played it all wrong, Ira. 1483 01:13:56,468 --> 01:13:58,299 I played it all wrong. 1484 01:14:04,242 --> 01:14:07,234 Okay. He's here. We saw each other. - Let me answer it. Mark. 1485 01:14:07,345 --> 01:14:09,506 Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man. 1486 01:14:10,048 --> 01:14:11,481 Move, bitch! 1487 01:14:11,583 --> 01:14:12,641 Hey, George Simmons. Hey. 1488 01:14:12,750 --> 01:14:14,115 Hey, what's up? 1489 01:14:14,219 --> 01:14:15,709 Happy Thanksgiving. - Hey! 1490 01:14:15,820 --> 01:14:17,185 Mark. Leo is the name I got. 1491 01:14:17,322 --> 01:14:18,789 How are you? - Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach! 1492 01:14:18,890 --> 01:14:20,824 That's right! - Yeah, right. 1493 01:14:21,326 --> 01:14:22,759 Oh, boy. 1494 01:14:22,894 --> 01:14:26,193 That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby 1495 01:14:26,297 --> 01:14:28,925 and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need... 1496 01:14:29,033 --> 01:14:31,297 It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man. 1497 01:14:31,970 --> 01:14:34,700 Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food? 1498 01:14:34,806 --> 01:14:37,138 No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit. 1499 01:14:39,110 --> 01:14:40,702 Hey, I'm Bo. 1500 01:14:40,812 --> 01:14:42,245 What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so... 1501 01:14:42,347 --> 01:14:45,145 Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good. 1502 01:14:46,951 --> 01:14:47,975 I've seen your act a lot. 1503 01:14:48,086 --> 01:14:49,246 Really? Where? 1504 01:14:49,354 --> 01:14:53,484 Schemer, he has that... What's that, the YouTube thing that, that... 1505 01:14:53,791 --> 01:14:54,780 - The YouTube. - Yeah. 1506 01:14:54,893 --> 01:14:57,657 George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen? 1507 01:14:57,829 --> 01:15:00,161 I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy? 1508 01:15:00,265 --> 01:15:01,391 I invited her. 1509 01:15:01,499 --> 01:15:03,023 Are you still sleeping with Daisy? 1510 01:15:03,134 --> 01:15:04,601 No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy! 1511 01:15:04,736 --> 01:15:07,967 I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt. 1512 01:15:08,072 --> 01:15:09,061 Her name's Carla something. 1513 01:15:11,165 --> 01:15:12,996 Can I sit next to George at dinner? 1514 01:15:13,100 --> 01:15:15,034 Sit wherever the hell you want to sit, man, why? 1515 01:15:15,169 --> 01:15:18,161 I feel like if I can just make George crack up once, 1516 01:15:18,572 --> 01:15:19,971 it'll do huge things for me, like... 1517 01:15:20,074 --> 01:15:21,336 What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving? 1518 01:15:21,442 --> 01:15:22,568 I didn't write jokes. 1519 01:15:22,676 --> 01:15:24,405 I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes 1520 01:15:24,512 --> 01:15:25,706 and punched them up here and there. 1521 01:15:26,213 --> 01:15:30,513 Okay, I can't hide in the kitchen all afternoon. I'm going. 1522 01:15:31,752 --> 01:15:33,515 My man. The Schemer. 1523 01:15:33,621 --> 01:15:35,054 Thanks for coming, man. 1524 01:15:35,156 --> 01:15:36,919 This is the best. Where's your bedroom? 1525 01:15:37,291 --> 01:15:39,816 Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it. 1526 01:15:39,927 --> 01:15:41,827 No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame. 1527 01:15:41,929 --> 01:15:43,260 Did you go to that Wilcox show? 1528 01:15:43,364 --> 01:15:44,353 Yeah, did you? 1529 01:15:44,465 --> 01:15:47,332 No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets. 1530 01:15:47,802 --> 01:15:48,791 I made 100 bucks profit, so... 1531 01:15:48,903 --> 01:15:49,892 Oh. So, you owe me 50. 1532 01:15:53,356 --> 01:15:55,984 Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay? 1533 01:15:56,092 --> 01:15:57,059 Money order. 1534 01:15:57,226 --> 01:15:58,352 Money order? That'll work. Yeah. 1535 01:15:58,461 --> 01:16:00,258 PayPal? Are you on PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up. 1536 01:16:00,363 --> 01:16:02,923 Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple. 1537 01:16:03,032 --> 01:16:05,432 You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo. 1538 01:16:05,835 --> 01:16:09,464 You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy, 1539 01:16:09,572 --> 01:16:11,005 so Schemer broke it off. 1540 01:16:11,107 --> 01:16:12,096 You kidding me? 1541 01:16:12,208 --> 01:16:15,371 Don't worry, Ira. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there. 1542 01:16:15,478 --> 01:16:17,309 Look at him. He's got the length and the width. 1543 01:16:17,413 --> 01:16:19,142 Imagine that dong of his. 1544 01:16:19,248 --> 01:16:21,409 I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me. 1545 01:16:21,517 --> 01:16:23,178 No, it's very normal. - Yeah. 1546 01:16:23,285 --> 01:16:24,513 So, you like big penises? 1547 01:16:24,620 --> 01:16:27,180 Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so... 1548 01:16:27,289 --> 01:16:29,086 If it's skinny, you should try feeding it crabs. 1549 01:16:30,893 --> 01:16:32,485 Yeah. All right, well, jeez, you know what? 1550 01:16:32,595 --> 01:16:34,529 I'm going to leave you two alone, huh? 1551 01:16:34,630 --> 01:16:35,597 Yeah, okay. 1552 01:16:35,698 --> 01:16:36,790 I'm falling in love with the both of you. 1553 01:16:36,899 --> 01:16:38,127 Let the awkwardness begin! 1554 01:16:38,234 --> 01:16:39,223 Love your work. 1555 01:16:39,335 --> 01:16:42,168 Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs. 1556 01:16:42,271 --> 01:16:45,297 I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did. 1557 01:16:45,408 --> 01:16:49,401 I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation. 1558 01:16:49,545 --> 01:16:52,571 So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry. 1559 01:16:52,681 --> 01:16:54,478 Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk 1560 01:16:54,583 --> 01:16:57,279 and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach! So... 1561 01:16:57,620 --> 01:17:00,783 It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr. Belvedere. 1562 01:17:00,990 --> 01:17:02,753 So, everyone does that. 1563 01:17:03,159 --> 01:17:04,285 He's walking. George is walking to us. 1564 01:17:04,393 --> 01:17:06,691 Hello, ladies. 1565 01:17:06,796 --> 01:17:10,459 So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes? 1566 01:17:11,133 --> 01:17:12,998 What? You could have made money. 1567 01:17:13,102 --> 01:17:15,730 I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to. 1568 01:17:15,838 --> 01:17:19,433 What, did you have to go to Lens Crafters that day? 1569 01:17:19,542 --> 01:17:22,136 I was just joking. I like your glasses. 1570 01:17:23,612 --> 01:17:26,740 He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me? 1571 01:17:26,849 --> 01:17:29,545 I apologize. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man. 1572 01:17:29,652 --> 01:17:30,744 What, you don't think I like money? 1573 01:17:30,853 --> 01:17:32,150 You don't think I like private jets? 1574 01:17:32,254 --> 01:17:35,018 You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons? 1575 01:17:35,124 --> 01:17:36,148 I just think you're doing well. 1576 01:17:36,258 --> 01:17:38,886 You know, you're getting gigs at the improve all the time. 1577 01:17:38,994 --> 01:17:40,461 You're going to have people writing for you. 1578 01:17:40,563 --> 01:17:43,361 You don't need to be writing for other people, you know. 1579 01:17:43,466 --> 01:17:44,899 I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just... 1580 01:17:45,000 --> 01:17:47,400 I wanted something for myself and I just, you know... 1581 01:17:47,503 --> 01:17:50,199 It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira! 1582 01:17:50,773 --> 01:17:52,263 Just 'cause you go into foggy-apology mode 1583 01:17:52,374 --> 01:17:54,638 doesn't mean I'm going to forgive you right away! 1584 01:17:54,777 --> 01:17:58,838 Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time. 1585 01:17:58,948 --> 01:18:00,540 You're being competitive. You do that all the time. 1586 01:18:00,649 --> 01:18:01,877 I'm doing it now, okay? 1587 01:18:01,984 --> 01:18:03,713 I didn't make it competitive! - Yes, you did. 1588 01:18:03,819 --> 01:18:05,650 Have you ever had to work for money? No. 1589 01:18:05,754 --> 01:18:07,312 You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira! 1590 01:18:07,423 --> 01:18:10,187 You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it! 1591 01:18:10,326 --> 01:18:12,954 I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months! 1592 01:18:13,062 --> 01:18:15,053 And we were supposed to trade! And we never did! 1593 01:18:15,164 --> 01:18:16,597 Yeah, we never did switch after six months. 1594 01:18:16,699 --> 01:18:17,666 Yeah. Exactly. 1595 01:18:17,766 --> 01:18:19,256 You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira! 1596 01:18:19,368 --> 01:18:20,801 You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent! 1597 01:18:20,903 --> 01:18:22,427 Why don't they move in? It's your fault. 1598 01:18:22,538 --> 01:18:28,306 Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians, can we please stop fighting? 1599 01:18:28,444 --> 01:18:31,208 It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop. 1600 01:18:31,313 --> 01:18:34,077 I'm not fighting anymore. I'm done fighting. 1601 01:18:34,183 --> 01:18:36,083 Thank you. - You called Daisy a starfucker? 1602 01:18:36,185 --> 01:18:37,618 Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls 1603 01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:40,587 while you talk him to sleep every night, Ira? 1604 01:18:40,689 --> 01:18:42,281 Leo. 1605 01:18:42,691 --> 01:18:43,658 Sorry. 1606 01:18:44,193 --> 01:18:47,720 I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody. 1607 01:18:49,865 --> 01:18:53,460 Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here. 1608 01:18:54,203 --> 01:18:55,295 Let's eat some food. 1609 01:19:01,210 --> 01:19:03,906 I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man. 1610 01:19:05,414 --> 01:19:06,472 What? 1611 01:19:07,449 --> 01:19:10,748 So, does anybody want to say grace or anything? 1612 01:19:10,853 --> 01:19:13,048 Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there. 1613 01:19:13,155 --> 01:19:14,679 Yeah, Leo. 1614 01:19:14,790 --> 01:19:16,155 - Leo! Do it, Leo. 1615 01:19:16,258 --> 01:19:17,225 I'm okay, I'm okay. 1616 01:19:17,326 --> 01:19:19,590 All right, let me go. I'll do it for us. 1617 01:19:19,695 --> 01:19:21,754 Let me get it done. 1618 01:19:21,864 --> 01:19:26,665 Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here. 1619 01:19:27,836 --> 01:19:30,737 It's always easier, always easier without the family. 1620 01:19:31,574 --> 01:19:35,442 It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me. 1621 01:19:35,578 --> 01:19:38,809 And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys. 1622 01:19:40,382 --> 01:19:42,543 It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose. 1623 01:19:42,651 --> 01:19:45,916 I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror, 1624 01:19:46,021 --> 01:19:48,489 and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing." 1625 01:19:49,692 --> 01:19:53,150 Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young. 1626 01:19:53,262 --> 01:19:55,992 It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this. 1627 01:19:56,098 --> 01:20:00,091 Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you. 1628 01:20:00,202 --> 01:20:03,660 I had a dinner like this 20 years ago 1629 01:20:03,806 --> 01:20:07,867 with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other. 1630 01:20:07,977 --> 01:20:11,174 I never talk to them anymore. Some of them are dead. 1631 01:20:12,014 --> 01:20:16,383 So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away. 1632 01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:20,946 If you love somebody, don't let them slip away. 1633 01:20:22,157 --> 01:20:24,022 I swear to you, 1634 01:20:24,126 --> 01:20:26,651 this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving, 1635 01:20:26,795 --> 01:20:29,457 the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say, 1636 01:20:29,565 --> 01:20:32,193 "Man, it was never as good as that night." 1637 01:20:32,301 --> 01:20:36,704 So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls. 1638 01:20:38,507 --> 01:20:39,531 Rock 'n' roll! 1639 01:20:40,843 --> 01:20:44,472 Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny Devi to. 1640 01:20:44,580 --> 01:20:47,310 Everybody feels like Danny Devi to when, you know, they walk by me. 1641 01:20:47,416 --> 01:20:48,713 Yeah. You're a giant. 1642 01:20:49,885 --> 01:20:51,512 Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, yeah. 1643 01:20:52,154 --> 01:20:53,246 Um... 1644 01:20:53,822 --> 01:20:54,789 I don't want to get your hopes up. 1645 01:20:54,890 --> 01:20:55,879 Mmm-hmm. 1646 01:20:55,991 --> 01:20:59,483 We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism. 1647 01:20:59,595 --> 01:21:03,793 About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results. 1648 01:21:03,899 --> 01:21:04,888 Mmm-hmm. 1649 01:21:05,000 --> 01:21:08,333 You actually belong to these 8%. 1650 01:21:08,437 --> 01:21:09,904 I looked through your blood work, 1651 01:21:10,005 --> 01:21:12,940 and I couldn't find any traces of the disease. 1652 01:21:13,942 --> 01:21:16,274 I don't want to speak too soon, 1653 01:21:16,378 --> 01:21:17,902 but we may have beaten this thing. 1654 01:21:21,020 --> 01:21:23,488 Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you? 1655 01:21:23,589 --> 01:21:26,888 So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond. 1656 01:21:29,328 --> 01:21:31,990 So, this is, this is... This is good news. 1657 01:21:33,165 --> 01:21:35,133 Like my accent now? 1658 01:21:35,234 --> 01:21:36,997 Now I like your accent, yeah. 1659 01:21:37,669 --> 01:21:40,467 I was excited all morning to tell you this news. 1660 01:21:40,973 --> 01:21:43,339 So, what happens now? What do I... What do I do now? 1661 01:21:43,442 --> 01:21:47,173 Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about. 1662 01:21:47,312 --> 01:21:52,579 Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work. 1663 01:21:52,684 --> 01:21:54,015 I was getting used to being sick. 1664 01:21:54,119 --> 01:21:57,020 I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that. 1665 01:21:57,122 --> 01:21:59,056 Get back to your life. 1666 01:22:07,266 --> 01:22:09,632 Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message. 1667 01:22:10,869 --> 01:22:16,535 Ira, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy. 1668 01:22:35,527 --> 01:22:37,518 Hi. Bonita? 1669 01:22:37,629 --> 01:22:38,596 George. 1670 01:22:41,934 --> 01:22:45,097 I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's. 1671 01:22:45,204 --> 01:22:47,399 He said I'm not sick anymore. 1672 01:22:47,506 --> 01:22:49,406 Oh, congratulations. 1673 01:22:52,744 --> 01:22:56,202 I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet. 1674 01:22:58,484 --> 01:23:00,076 Thank you. 1675 01:23:01,186 --> 01:23:02,175 Bye, George. 1676 01:23:03,989 --> 01:23:06,287 George! Is it true? 1677 01:23:07,126 --> 01:23:08,423 It's true. - Yes! 1678 01:23:08,527 --> 01:23:10,154 It's all right. All right, go ahead. - Yeah! 1679 01:23:10,262 --> 01:23:11,229 All right. 1680 01:23:11,330 --> 01:23:14,299 Oh, God! Yeah! 1681 01:23:14,399 --> 01:23:15,491 All right, baby. 1682 01:23:15,601 --> 01:23:18,832 All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do? 1683 01:23:21,006 --> 01:23:23,099 Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man. 1684 01:23:23,208 --> 01:23:24,869 Thank you. You got cured of AIDS. 1685 01:23:25,010 --> 01:23:26,238 I didn't have AIDS. 1686 01:23:26,345 --> 01:23:27,437 Hey, let me get you a cocktail. 1687 01:23:27,546 --> 01:23:29,070 Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular. 1688 01:23:29,181 --> 01:23:30,671 No, I don't want a drink. I'm good. 1689 01:23:30,782 --> 01:23:33,376 I'm going to get one of them ribbons. 1690 01:23:33,986 --> 01:23:35,283 You're alive? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1691 01:23:35,387 --> 01:23:38,481 Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man. 1692 01:23:38,590 --> 01:23:42,526 You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die! 1693 01:23:42,628 --> 01:23:44,823 Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man? 1694 01:23:44,930 --> 01:23:45,988 I want to know the secret. 1695 01:23:46,098 --> 01:23:47,793 I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex, 1696 01:23:47,900 --> 01:23:49,299 so if you could go along with that. 1697 01:23:49,401 --> 01:23:50,561 You did? - Yes. 1698 01:23:50,669 --> 01:23:54,901 Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't 1699 01:23:55,007 --> 01:23:56,372 because you don't want... 1700 01:23:56,475 --> 01:23:58,636 The mystery is definitely more flattering... 1701 01:23:58,744 --> 01:23:59,711 Yeah? 1702 01:23:59,811 --> 01:24:02,541 ...and the reality is so, like, flubbed. 1703 01:24:02,648 --> 01:24:04,343 Like not the word, but... Flopped? Yeah, lappet. 1704 01:24:04,750 --> 01:24:06,684 Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich. 1705 01:24:06,785 --> 01:24:08,548 Like a... There's, like, meat coming. 1706 01:24:09,755 --> 01:24:11,814 That would have been... I could get... 1707 01:24:11,924 --> 01:24:13,585 Look at that! 1708 01:24:14,226 --> 01:24:15,921 "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" 1709 01:24:16,028 --> 01:24:18,690 Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus... 1710 01:24:20,494 --> 01:24:22,985 How did he... Like, how did he know he had it? 1711 01:24:23,731 --> 01:24:27,861 He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor, 1712 01:24:27,968 --> 01:24:30,937 and then he just got... It was in his blood work. 1713 01:24:31,038 --> 01:24:33,370 That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired. 1714 01:24:33,474 --> 01:24:34,441 Really? 1715 01:24:35,342 --> 01:24:37,902 Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it. 1716 01:24:38,012 --> 01:24:40,105 Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious? 1717 01:24:40,214 --> 01:24:41,203 No. - Can you get it, like... 1718 01:24:41,315 --> 01:24:44,648 I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel... 1719 01:24:44,752 --> 01:24:46,185 I feel... I hope not, too, because 1720 01:24:46,287 --> 01:24:48,847 when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so... 1721 01:24:48,956 --> 01:24:50,321 It did? - Yeah. Not that you got it, 1722 01:24:50,424 --> 01:24:52,358 but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know 1723 01:24:52,460 --> 01:24:54,826 I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez. 1724 01:24:55,196 --> 01:24:56,754 But I think the best thing for you would be, you know... 1725 01:24:56,864 --> 01:24:58,525 The best cure, besides the real cure, 1726 01:24:58,632 --> 01:25:02,363 is to get back to work and do what you do. 1727 01:25:02,770 --> 01:25:04,738 There are stacks of offers on my desk for you. 1728 01:25:04,839 --> 01:25:07,740 I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you. 1729 01:25:07,842 --> 01:25:09,332 Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this? 1730 01:25:09,443 --> 01:25:11,468 Paul Rudd wants to do a romance with you. 1731 01:25:11,579 --> 01:25:14,639 I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while. 1732 01:25:14,749 --> 01:25:16,239 I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off, 1733 01:25:16,350 --> 01:25:20,013 try to get myself in a relationship with, like, 1734 01:25:20,121 --> 01:25:21,884 another human being, a normal one. 1735 01:25:21,989 --> 01:25:23,047 Just see if I can handle that. 1736 01:25:23,157 --> 01:25:24,454 Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone. 1737 01:25:26,250 --> 01:25:28,343 Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like. 1738 01:25:28,452 --> 01:25:29,441 I think you'd really hit it off with her. 1739 01:25:29,553 --> 01:25:31,987 She's... She's great. She's something new for you. 1740 01:25:32,089 --> 01:25:34,284 A real person. She's not a waitress. 1741 01:25:34,392 --> 01:25:35,586 She's not an actress. 1742 01:25:35,693 --> 01:25:36,660 All right, thanks. 1743 01:25:37,161 --> 01:25:41,029 You know, the Internet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works. 1744 01:25:41,432 --> 01:25:42,399 That's good. 1745 01:25:42,500 --> 01:25:43,899 I've actually been on a couple of Dates. 1746 01:25:44,001 --> 01:25:44,968 No way. What's that? 1747 01:25:45,069 --> 01:25:46,400 Yeah... What's a Date? 1748 01:25:46,504 --> 01:25:48,495 What, is that an Internet thing I should know about? 1749 01:25:48,606 --> 01:25:50,164 I'm not... I don't do that shit. 1750 01:25:50,274 --> 01:25:53,368 It's a website where Jewish people can find each other. 1751 01:25:53,477 --> 01:25:55,707 Really? A whole list of Jewish people? - Yeah. 1752 01:25:55,813 --> 01:25:59,010 I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists. 1753 01:26:00,584 --> 01:26:02,552 Because of the Holocaust. 1754 01:26:04,255 --> 01:26:05,813 Wow. 1755 01:26:05,923 --> 01:26:07,185 How's this going, by the way? 1756 01:26:08,492 --> 01:26:10,585 It's been great to meet you. 1757 01:26:12,229 --> 01:26:15,027 You know what? I think you fucked up. 1758 01:26:16,634 --> 01:26:17,601 How's that? 1759 01:26:17,702 --> 01:26:19,499 I think you fucked up. I think... 1760 01:26:20,738 --> 01:26:22,569 I don't think you should have took that medicine. 1761 01:26:22,673 --> 01:26:23,867 Why not? 1762 01:26:25,242 --> 01:26:28,211 I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. 1763 01:26:28,346 --> 01:26:30,041 Honestly, man, what are... What are you going to do now? 1764 01:26:30,147 --> 01:26:32,240 Make another bullshit movie? 1765 01:26:32,350 --> 01:26:34,545 Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? 1766 01:26:34,652 --> 01:26:36,745 You know? That was your way out right there. 1767 01:26:36,854 --> 01:26:38,378 Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck. 1768 01:26:38,489 --> 01:26:39,478 Yeah. 1769 01:26:39,590 --> 01:26:41,251 You're stuck just like me. 1770 01:26:41,359 --> 01:26:42,826 Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. 1771 01:26:42,927 --> 01:26:45,452 I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. 1772 01:26:45,596 --> 01:26:47,291 I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart. 1773 01:26:47,398 --> 01:26:49,059 You fucking name it, I can't go there. 1774 01:26:49,200 --> 01:26:50,189 Yeah, that's true. 1775 01:26:50,301 --> 01:26:52,462 Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, 1776 01:26:52,570 --> 01:26:54,060 wanting to take a fucking picture. - Mmm-hmm. 1777 01:26:54,672 --> 01:26:55,934 Yeah. Got it. 1778 01:26:56,040 --> 01:26:57,029 E-mail that to me. 1779 01:26:57,141 --> 01:26:59,234 I will. That's awesome. Yeah. 1780 01:26:59,343 --> 01:27:03,211 Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there. 1781 01:27:03,414 --> 01:27:05,575 What? Ray Romano's bothering you? 1782 01:27:05,683 --> 01:27:06,945 Who? Ray, Ray who? 1783 01:27:07,051 --> 01:27:09,519 Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond. 1784 01:27:09,620 --> 01:27:10,712 I don't give a fuck what show he's on. 1785 01:27:10,821 --> 01:27:12,652 I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man! 1786 01:27:12,757 --> 01:27:14,884 Hey. - Hey, Ray! 1787 01:27:14,992 --> 01:27:15,959 Hello, Marshall. 1788 01:27:16,060 --> 01:27:17,459 Fucking problem here, buddy? 1789 01:27:18,396 --> 01:27:21,422 Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is? 1790 01:27:21,532 --> 01:27:22,590 I don't get it, man. What's going on? 1791 01:27:22,700 --> 01:27:25,794 Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now? 1792 01:27:25,903 --> 01:27:27,495 Say no. - No, man. 1793 01:27:29,106 --> 01:27:30,596 I just got to always be on my toes, man. 1794 01:27:30,708 --> 01:27:31,675 You know? 1795 01:27:31,776 --> 01:27:33,141 I see that, but not with Ray Romano. 1796 01:27:33,244 --> 01:27:34,871 This is why I don't go out of the house. 1797 01:27:34,979 --> 01:27:37,243 I thought everybody loved you. 1798 01:27:38,682 --> 01:27:43,381 So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want? 1799 01:27:43,487 --> 01:27:45,318 I kind of don't want anything. 1800 01:27:46,490 --> 01:27:48,321 So, then what are we celebrating? 1801 01:28:00,838 --> 01:28:01,805 Clarke? 1802 01:28:01,906 --> 01:28:02,873 Yes, it's Clarke. 1803 01:28:02,973 --> 01:28:06,409 It's Clarke and I... I'm calling to check on you, matey. 1804 01:28:07,611 --> 01:28:08,805 Yeah. 1805 01:28:08,913 --> 01:28:13,782 I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didgeridoo! 1806 01:28:13,884 --> 01:28:16,250 You sound a little bit like a pirate. 1807 01:28:16,353 --> 01:28:19,789 Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like? 1808 01:28:19,924 --> 01:28:22,358 That's a terrible Australian accent. 1809 01:28:22,460 --> 01:28:23,449 What are you doing, Laura? 1810 01:28:23,561 --> 01:28:25,028 Am I bothering you? Is he there? - No, no, no, no, no. 1811 01:28:25,129 --> 01:28:26,858 Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on? 1812 01:28:27,064 --> 01:28:29,259 Clarke's away for business in China. 1813 01:28:29,366 --> 01:28:32,028 Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again? 1814 01:28:32,136 --> 01:28:34,604 Are you guys all right? What's going on? 1815 01:28:35,005 --> 01:28:36,905 Mable has her recital tomorrow. 1816 01:28:37,007 --> 01:28:38,406 She's singing Memory from Cats. 1817 01:28:38,509 --> 01:28:39,498 Oh, yeah? 1818 01:28:39,610 --> 01:28:40,804 You know that song, Memory? 1819 01:28:40,911 --> 01:28:42,776 Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that. 1820 01:28:42,880 --> 01:28:43,847 You can come. 1821 01:28:43,948 --> 01:28:45,916 I can come? All right, I'm coming. 1822 01:28:46,016 --> 01:28:47,142 Your daughter will be all right with that? 1823 01:28:47,251 --> 01:28:49,378 That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight? 1824 01:28:49,487 --> 01:28:52,081 Stop. How are you feeling? 1825 01:28:52,189 --> 01:28:54,054 I'm doing good. I'm doing... 1826 01:28:54,158 --> 01:28:55,989 It is what it is. I... 1827 01:28:56,093 --> 01:28:57,617 So, what happened with your tests? 1828 01:28:58,262 --> 01:29:00,423 Laura, let's not talk about all that. 1829 01:29:00,531 --> 01:29:01,657 What did the doctor say? 1830 01:29:02,266 --> 01:29:06,396 The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news. 1831 01:29:06,504 --> 01:29:09,200 It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it. 1832 01:29:10,241 --> 01:29:12,607 Come on, let's just talk about you. 1833 01:29:12,710 --> 01:29:15,110 What are you doing, Laura? 1834 01:29:15,212 --> 01:29:16,907 Do you want me to talk you to sleep? 1835 01:29:17,381 --> 01:29:19,349 Oh, my God. You remember. 1836 01:29:20,985 --> 01:29:22,247 You want me to do that for you? 1837 01:29:22,353 --> 01:29:23,843 You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep? 1838 01:29:23,954 --> 01:29:26,821 I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life. 1839 01:29:26,924 --> 01:29:30,189 Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura. 1840 01:29:31,695 --> 01:29:32,719 Hello? 1841 01:29:32,830 --> 01:29:34,024 Hi, Ira. 1842 01:29:34,131 --> 01:29:35,120 Hey, how's it going? 1843 01:29:35,699 --> 01:29:37,326 Ira, you're my best friend. 1844 01:29:37,434 --> 01:29:38,992 I like you, too. 1845 01:29:39,136 --> 01:29:40,899 You're my best friend. 1846 01:29:41,005 --> 01:29:42,734 You sound like you're in a good mood, man. 1847 01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:45,308 I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today. 1848 01:29:45,409 --> 01:29:46,899 We're going to do a gig together! 1849 01:29:47,011 --> 01:29:48,376 Ira and Georgia, finally on the road! 1850 01:29:49,950 --> 01:29:53,511 Oh, we're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going? 1851 01:29:53,621 --> 01:29:58,024 We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow. 1852 01:29:58,125 --> 01:29:59,490 How much time am I supposed to do? 1853 01:29:59,593 --> 01:30:04,053 Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have. 1854 01:30:04,165 --> 01:30:06,725 You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes, 1855 01:30:06,834 --> 01:30:09,394 depending on your mood, little Ira. 1856 01:30:09,870 --> 01:30:14,534 I was invited to a... Or I was able to go to a fundraiser 1857 01:30:14,642 --> 01:30:17,133 for Barack Obama, when he was running for president. 1858 01:30:17,778 --> 01:30:22,147 And you could walk right up to him and I did. 1859 01:30:22,249 --> 01:30:26,151 And I prepared a smart question and I was like, 1860 01:30:26,253 --> 01:30:32,817 " Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you encounter any racism?" 1861 01:30:32,927 --> 01:30:38,888 And he said something really, really interesting. He said... 1862 01:30:40,034 --> 01:30:42,127 He said, "I'm Kenya West." 1863 01:30:47,942 --> 01:30:50,001 George, you have a visitor. 1864 01:30:50,111 --> 01:30:51,237 Oh. 1865 01:30:52,012 --> 01:30:53,912 Hi. Whoa! 1866 01:30:54,014 --> 01:30:55,038 Hello. Wow. 1867 01:30:55,149 --> 01:30:56,514 Hey, hi! - Hey! 1868 01:30:56,650 --> 01:30:58,015 All right. How are you? 1869 01:30:58,119 --> 01:30:59,086 I'm good. 1870 01:30:59,186 --> 01:31:01,017 I'm so psyched you came. 1871 01:31:01,122 --> 01:31:03,022 Wow, you look amazing! - Thank you. 1872 01:31:03,124 --> 01:31:04,887 Beautiful. - I think I overdressed. 1873 01:31:04,992 --> 01:31:06,220 No way. You look incredible. 1874 01:31:06,327 --> 01:31:07,316 I just... 1875 01:31:07,428 --> 01:31:08,918 Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke? 1876 01:31:10,719 --> 01:31:14,348 The Clarke? He's out of town. I was going to bring my friend Betsy with me, 1877 01:31:14,456 --> 01:31:16,549 but her son started throwing up, so... 1878 01:31:16,658 --> 01:31:19,388 The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll. 1879 01:31:19,495 --> 01:31:22,953 I like it. Yeah. Yeah. 1880 01:31:23,065 --> 01:31:24,396 Anyway, I don't want to keep you 1881 01:31:24,500 --> 01:31:25,524 or get in the way. 1882 01:31:25,634 --> 01:31:27,158 No, don't run away. Come on, Ira, say hello. 1883 01:31:27,269 --> 01:31:28,236 Hey, Ira. 1884 01:31:28,337 --> 01:31:29,361 Hey, how's it going? 1885 01:31:29,471 --> 01:31:32,065 So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi. 1886 01:31:32,174 --> 01:31:33,971 No cursing. Don't curse so much. 1887 01:31:34,076 --> 01:31:36,169 Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how. 1888 01:31:36,278 --> 01:31:39,304 You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid. 1889 01:31:39,414 --> 01:31:40,381 Okay, good luck. 1890 01:31:40,482 --> 01:31:42,109 Thanks for coming. 1891 01:31:44,186 --> 01:31:47,451 You got to tell her I'm better at intermission, all right? 1892 01:31:47,556 --> 01:31:49,046 You haven't told her that you're better? 1893 01:31:49,158 --> 01:31:50,853 No, I'm not good at stuff like that. 1894 01:31:50,959 --> 01:31:53,052 Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be... 1895 01:31:53,162 --> 01:31:56,290 You're giving her good news, she'll be happy. 1896 01:31:56,398 --> 01:31:57,695 We're going to go by her house tomorrow, too. 1897 01:31:58,901 --> 01:32:00,926 Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi, 1898 01:32:01,036 --> 01:32:02,970 see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing. 1899 01:32:03,272 --> 01:32:05,740 Why did you guys break up in the first place? 1900 01:32:06,475 --> 01:32:07,840 I cheated on her. 1901 01:32:07,943 --> 01:32:09,774 Why would you cheat on her? 1902 01:32:09,878 --> 01:32:13,041 It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick. 1903 01:32:13,148 --> 01:32:14,172 Okay. 1904 01:32:15,644 --> 01:32:20,707 I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith 1905 01:32:20,816 --> 01:32:22,807 have mooched the heads of their penises together. 1906 01:32:25,121 --> 01:32:26,349 I think that this has happened. 1907 01:32:26,455 --> 01:32:28,082 I don't think it happened in a gay way. 1908 01:32:28,190 --> 01:32:29,521 I think it just happened out of boredom. 1909 01:32:29,625 --> 01:32:31,593 I think just rich-dude boredom. 1910 01:32:31,694 --> 01:32:35,130 Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!" 1911 01:32:35,264 --> 01:32:37,732 " I'll tell you one thing we haven't done. " 1912 01:32:37,833 --> 01:32:41,269 And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge. 1913 01:32:41,403 --> 01:32:42,495 I think of it all the time. 1914 01:32:42,605 --> 01:32:44,903 I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads. 1915 01:32:45,007 --> 01:32:49,171 And it was easy, just zoon. Because there was a magnetic field to it. 1916 01:32:49,378 --> 01:32:51,141 And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick 1917 01:32:51,247 --> 01:32:53,112 and, like, wind started blowing in his face, 1918 01:32:53,215 --> 01:32:57,982 and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it. 1919 01:32:58,087 --> 01:32:59,679 And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!" 1920 01:32:59,788 --> 01:33:01,153 "I can't do it!" 1921 01:33:01,257 --> 01:33:02,224 Beckham yells, 1922 01:33:02,324 --> 01:33:05,350 "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!" 1923 01:33:05,628 --> 01:33:07,960 And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing. 1924 01:33:08,063 --> 01:33:09,428 It's just, Flash! Ahhh! 1925 01:33:09,832 --> 01:33:14,326 Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think. 1926 01:33:15,371 --> 01:33:19,068 Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much. 1927 01:33:26,081 --> 01:33:27,378 Hey. How's it going? 1928 01:33:27,483 --> 01:33:28,745 That was so good! 1929 01:33:29,485 --> 01:33:31,112 You seem so surprised. 1930 01:33:31,220 --> 01:33:32,380 Well, you looked so nervous before. 1931 01:33:32,488 --> 01:33:33,614 I was, actually. 1932 01:33:33,722 --> 01:33:34,746 That was good. That was really good. 1933 01:33:34,857 --> 01:33:36,324 Thank you. I appreciate that. 1934 01:33:36,425 --> 01:33:39,826 And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious. 1935 01:33:39,962 --> 01:33:43,398 Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun. 1936 01:33:45,868 --> 01:33:47,836 George says that he's known you for a while. How did... 1937 01:33:47,937 --> 01:33:49,768 Yeah. How did you guys first hook up? 1938 01:33:49,872 --> 01:33:52,340 I was the hat-check girl at the improve and I was an actress. 1939 01:33:52,675 --> 01:33:53,801 So, you kind of... - Yeah, yeah. 1940 01:33:53,909 --> 01:33:57,003 That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen? 1941 01:33:57,112 --> 01:34:01,845 I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210. 1942 01:34:01,951 --> 01:34:02,918 Awesome. 1943 01:34:03,018 --> 01:34:04,076 I always played the bitch. 1944 01:34:04,186 --> 01:34:05,346 I wasn't that good, actually. 1945 01:34:05,454 --> 01:34:06,751 No, you must be a great actress, 1946 01:34:06,855 --> 01:34:08,413 'cause you're not at all bitchy, so... 1947 01:34:09,692 --> 01:34:10,750 Thanks, Ira. 1948 01:34:10,859 --> 01:34:15,660 Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you 1949 01:34:15,764 --> 01:34:18,460 what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it. 1950 01:34:18,567 --> 01:34:22,867 It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor, 1951 01:34:22,972 --> 01:34:26,965 they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work anymore, 1952 01:34:27,076 --> 01:34:29,636 so it seems like he might be better. 1953 01:34:29,745 --> 01:34:30,734 What are you talking about? 1954 01:34:30,846 --> 01:34:32,074 Ladies and gentlemen... 1955 01:34:32,181 --> 01:34:33,512 We think he might be okay. 1956 01:34:33,616 --> 01:34:35,709 ... George Simmons! 1957 01:34:46,962 --> 01:34:48,259 Thank you. 1958 01:34:48,364 --> 01:34:51,959 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 1959 01:34:54,103 --> 01:34:55,934 It's great to be here. 1960 01:34:57,239 --> 01:35:00,072 It's great. It's great to be alive! 1961 01:35:01,677 --> 01:35:04,612 Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay. 1962 01:35:04,713 --> 01:35:05,805 Thank you for coming, George! 1963 01:35:05,914 --> 01:35:06,938 Thank you. All right. 1964 01:35:07,049 --> 01:35:09,711 That's very nice. Man, oh, man. 1965 01:35:10,452 --> 01:35:13,751 Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s? 1966 01:35:13,856 --> 01:35:15,118 It's funny. In your 20s you're like, 1967 01:35:15,224 --> 01:35:17,317 " Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit. 1968 01:35:17,426 --> 01:35:19,860 " Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit. " 1969 01:35:19,962 --> 01:35:21,657 In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President. 1970 01:35:21,764 --> 01:35:24,096 " Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole. " 1971 01:35:24,199 --> 01:35:26,429 In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry. 1972 01:35:27,770 --> 01:35:29,761 " What do we have in the fridge?" 1973 01:35:32,841 --> 01:35:37,005 So, yeah, I'm fucking famous and rich, and it's crazy. 1974 01:35:38,013 --> 01:35:40,277 It's... You know why? 'Cause I hate rich people. 1975 01:35:40,382 --> 01:35:41,906 Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people. 1976 01:35:42,017 --> 01:35:44,178 I hate everything I fucking do now. 1977 01:35:44,286 --> 01:35:45,378 I go to Hawaii, I'm like, 1978 01:35:45,487 --> 01:35:49,787 " You fucking snotty cocksucker, going to Hawaii. " 1979 01:35:50,392 --> 01:35:54,328 Buy a new car, " La-di-da, look who's got a new car. " 1980 01:35:54,997 --> 01:35:58,398 You know, I thought about giving all my money, just giving it away, 1981 01:35:58,500 --> 01:36:01,765 but then I was like, "What a rich-guy thing to do. 1982 01:36:04,006 --> 01:36:05,633 "Mr. Charitable." 1983 01:36:07,042 --> 01:36:09,442 Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here. 1984 01:36:09,545 --> 01:36:12,139 Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me anymore, so I... 1985 01:36:12,247 --> 01:36:13,976 What are you talking about? That's ridiculous. 1986 01:36:14,083 --> 01:36:15,948 I knew you forgave me because I was sick 1987 01:36:16,051 --> 01:36:17,814 and there was no other way you would forgive me. 1988 01:36:17,920 --> 01:36:19,217 I know, but it's different now. 1989 01:36:19,321 --> 01:36:21,585 We've been talking... What are you... No! 1990 01:36:21,690 --> 01:36:22,657 Really? 1991 01:36:22,758 --> 01:36:24,885 This is... So, what are you... So, did the... 1992 01:36:25,294 --> 01:36:27,228 The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now. 1993 01:36:27,329 --> 01:36:28,626 I don't know what the hell's going to happen, 1994 01:36:28,731 --> 01:36:29,720 but for now the guy said I'm good. 1995 01:36:33,990 --> 01:36:35,582 I'm so happy. 1996 01:36:35,692 --> 01:36:36,886 You are happy? 1997 01:36:37,961 --> 01:36:40,259 Mmm-hmm. - God, thank you. Thank you. 1998 01:36:50,941 --> 01:36:53,000 All right. Yeah. 1999 01:36:58,415 --> 01:36:59,541 You okay, man? 2000 01:36:59,649 --> 01:37:01,082 Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 2001 01:37:02,519 --> 01:37:03,508 I hope they got some food. 2002 01:37:05,956 --> 01:37:06,980 Hey, hey. 2003 01:37:07,123 --> 01:37:08,784 Hi! - Hi. 2004 01:37:08,925 --> 01:37:12,292 I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi. 2005 01:37:12,395 --> 01:37:13,953 Good to see you. Wow. Hi. How's it going? 2006 01:37:14,064 --> 01:37:15,031 Hello, Ira. 2007 01:37:15,131 --> 01:37:17,531 Oh! Thank you. 2008 01:37:18,702 --> 01:37:20,693 Jeez. Beautiful house! 2009 01:37:20,804 --> 01:37:21,771 Thank you. 2010 01:37:21,905 --> 01:37:23,964 How long have you guys been here? 2011 01:37:24,074 --> 01:37:26,167 We've been here about five years now. 2012 01:37:27,377 --> 01:37:28,344 What's up? 2013 01:37:28,445 --> 01:37:31,346 This is my friend, George. And this is Ira. 2014 01:37:31,448 --> 01:37:32,608 This is Ingrid. 2015 01:37:32,716 --> 01:37:35,981 Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter. 2016 01:37:36,853 --> 01:37:38,252 Have you seen any of my movies? 2017 01:37:38,355 --> 01:37:40,846 I saw the movie where you had a baby body. 2018 01:37:40,991 --> 01:37:44,051 So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face? 2019 01:37:52,369 --> 01:37:54,200 Hey, that's a good impression. 2020 01:37:54,571 --> 01:37:56,232 Don't leave me in the playroom! 2021 01:37:56,339 --> 01:37:58,739 This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces. 2022 01:37:58,875 --> 01:38:00,103 Oh, yeah? Let me see them. 2023 01:38:00,610 --> 01:38:03,875 You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there? 2024 01:38:05,582 --> 01:38:07,311 Ira? - I'm... I'm full. 2025 01:38:07,417 --> 01:38:09,351 Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game? 2026 01:38:09,452 --> 01:38:11,545 It's fun. You want to play? 2027 01:38:11,655 --> 01:38:13,054 Let's do it! Ira? 2028 01:38:13,156 --> 01:38:14,316 Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah. 2029 01:38:14,424 --> 01:38:15,550 Let's do the peanut-butter game! 2030 01:38:15,659 --> 01:38:16,785 All right! Hooray! 2031 01:38:16,893 --> 01:38:19,953 Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game! 2032 01:38:20,163 --> 01:38:21,255 Okay, just put a little bit. 2033 01:38:21,364 --> 01:38:22,388 - Okay. - What's she doing? 2034 01:38:22,499 --> 01:38:23,466 A little bit. 2035 01:38:24,901 --> 01:38:26,391 Okay, okay. I think that's good. 2036 01:38:26,503 --> 01:38:29,370 This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay. 2037 01:38:29,472 --> 01:38:30,803 - There he is! - Oh, boy. 2038 01:38:30,907 --> 01:38:31,874 Come on. 2039 01:38:33,310 --> 01:38:35,039 He got her. He got her. 2040 01:38:38,081 --> 01:38:40,345 Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears. 2041 01:38:40,483 --> 01:38:42,280 George's turn! Yeah! George's turn! 2042 01:38:42,385 --> 01:38:43,579 No. I don't want to do that. 2043 01:38:43,687 --> 01:38:45,211 Yeah, George's turn! No, Ira will go. Let Ira go. 2044 01:38:45,322 --> 01:38:46,687 No, no, George. 2045 01:38:46,790 --> 01:38:48,155 Come on. - Okay, all right! 2046 01:38:48,758 --> 01:38:50,623 I just washed my hair this morning. 2047 01:38:50,727 --> 01:38:52,388 George! George! George! George! 2048 01:38:54,664 --> 01:38:56,757 Oh, God! 2049 01:38:58,868 --> 01:38:59,857 No! 2050 01:38:59,970 --> 01:39:00,959 Just not the... 2051 01:39:01,071 --> 01:39:02,038 Look at this. 2052 01:39:02,138 --> 01:39:03,605 That's not the game! 2053 01:39:09,579 --> 01:39:13,174 And we have a pond with a Buddha and... 2054 01:39:13,283 --> 01:39:14,250 Wow! 2055 01:39:18,254 --> 01:39:19,619 Does that hurt? 2056 01:39:19,723 --> 01:39:22,521 So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy? 2057 01:39:43,647 --> 01:39:47,310 Now I go. 2058 01:39:47,417 --> 01:39:48,816 And now I go. 2059 01:39:48,918 --> 01:39:51,054 You can't move. You're stuck. 2060 01:39:51,154 --> 01:39:52,143 Ira. - Hey. 2061 01:39:52,255 --> 01:39:54,951 Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight. 2062 01:39:55,725 --> 01:39:58,785 Oh. Thank you. What... We... 2063 01:39:58,895 --> 01:40:00,021 It's like an eight-hour drive back. 2064 01:40:00,130 --> 01:40:02,758 We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way. 2065 01:40:02,866 --> 01:40:03,890 We'll figure something out. 2066 01:40:04,000 --> 01:40:07,697 So, we're going to go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook. 2067 01:40:07,804 --> 01:40:09,669 Home-cooked meal. Perfect. 2068 01:40:09,773 --> 01:40:11,604 Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls? 2069 01:40:11,708 --> 01:40:13,403 Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids. 2070 01:40:13,510 --> 01:40:16,411 I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counsellor for five years. 2071 01:40:17,981 --> 01:40:20,381 But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too. 2072 01:40:20,483 --> 01:40:22,781 Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner. 2073 01:40:22,886 --> 01:40:24,183 Very good. 2074 01:40:32,028 --> 01:40:34,861 Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going? 2075 01:40:47,077 --> 01:40:48,942 You sure? You sure you want to do this? 2076 01:40:49,045 --> 01:40:50,034 Mmm-hmm. 2077 01:40:50,146 --> 01:40:51,977 Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing. 2078 01:40:52,082 --> 01:40:53,071 Mmm-hmm. 2079 01:40:53,183 --> 01:40:54,241 Okay. 2080 01:40:55,952 --> 01:40:56,919 Jesus. 2081 01:41:00,223 --> 01:41:01,781 Echo, echo, echo. 2082 01:41:06,696 --> 01:41:07,788 You know, when I broke up with you, 2083 01:41:07,897 --> 01:41:11,799 I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you. 2084 01:41:14,437 --> 01:41:16,905 But Clarke is exactly like you. 2085 01:41:18,408 --> 01:41:21,809 It's like I'm programmed to find the same person, 2086 01:41:22,846 --> 01:41:26,282 like there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all. 2087 01:41:27,884 --> 01:41:30,352 How many times did you cheat on me? 2088 01:41:31,020 --> 01:41:33,989 I don't want to paint a picture. 2089 01:41:34,090 --> 01:41:38,220 I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God. 2090 01:41:39,496 --> 01:41:41,987 How exactly have you changed? 2091 01:41:42,132 --> 01:41:46,330 I got a peek at something most people only get to see once. 2092 01:41:48,471 --> 01:41:50,996 You know, I went to a psychic who told me that... 2093 01:41:51,107 --> 01:41:55,510 That you and I would get back together when we were 70. 2094 01:41:55,612 --> 01:41:58,012 And she also said not to eat any chicken. 2095 01:41:58,748 --> 01:42:00,238 Well, we couldn't wait. 2096 01:42:00,350 --> 01:42:01,476 Mmm-hmm. 2097 01:42:01,751 --> 01:42:04,982 You loved me before anybody loved me. 2098 01:42:05,088 --> 01:42:06,055 I know. 2099 01:42:11,795 --> 01:42:15,162 This is the only place that I ever wanted to be. 2100 01:42:16,132 --> 01:42:18,623 When is George going to die? 2101 01:42:18,735 --> 01:42:20,726 George is going to die? 2102 01:42:22,772 --> 01:42:24,933 No. Why would you guys say that? 2103 01:42:25,041 --> 01:42:28,204 I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying. 2104 01:42:28,311 --> 01:42:30,074 I don't want George to die. 2105 01:42:30,180 --> 01:42:31,807 Why do you care? You just met him. 2106 01:42:31,915 --> 01:42:32,904 Shut up. 2107 01:42:33,016 --> 01:42:34,881 You shut up! Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys. 2108 01:42:34,984 --> 01:42:36,383 George is not going to die. 2109 01:42:36,486 --> 01:42:40,320 George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor 2110 01:42:40,423 --> 01:42:41,947 and they gave him different types of medicine 2111 01:42:42,058 --> 01:42:43,525 until they found one that worked. 2112 01:42:43,626 --> 01:42:45,253 And now he's going to be just fine. 2113 01:42:45,361 --> 01:42:47,329 He's going to live a really, really long time. 2114 01:42:47,564 --> 01:42:49,555 I think my mommy loves him. 2115 01:42:50,733 --> 01:42:53,793 Well, you know, we all love him. 2116 01:42:53,903 --> 01:42:55,370 He's made a lot of great movies. 2117 01:42:55,471 --> 01:42:57,996 I think she loves him, like, loves him. 2118 01:42:58,107 --> 01:43:00,166 Love. Love, love, love. 2119 01:43:00,276 --> 01:43:03,973 Love, love, love They're going to have a baby 2120 01:43:04,214 --> 01:43:08,981 They're going to have a baby Baby, marriage, love 2121 01:43:09,719 --> 01:43:12,483 They're going to have a little Merman baby. 2122 01:43:17,327 --> 01:43:20,990 You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was. 2123 01:43:21,097 --> 01:43:22,428 Why didn't you give this to me? 2124 01:43:22,532 --> 01:43:23,794 'Cause I was watching it. 2125 01:43:23,900 --> 01:43:26,664 You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something. 2126 01:43:26,769 --> 01:43:28,930 Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun. 2127 01:43:29,038 --> 01:43:30,130 No. 2128 01:43:30,240 --> 01:43:31,264 I am stupid. 2129 01:43:31,374 --> 01:43:33,535 Ooh! Is my voice still that high? 2130 01:43:33,643 --> 01:43:36,908 No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville. 2131 01:43:37,013 --> 01:43:38,674 They miss the mayor. 2132 01:43:38,781 --> 01:43:40,009 Shut up! 2133 01:43:40,416 --> 01:43:42,782 That was the best time in my life. 2134 01:43:43,253 --> 01:43:45,847 I got something else for you. You might remember these. 2135 01:43:46,689 --> 01:43:48,816 Please tell me you do! 2136 01:43:49,726 --> 01:43:51,125 Are these my favourite butt jeans? 2137 01:43:51,227 --> 01:43:52,592 Yes. Yes. Yes. 2138 01:43:52,729 --> 01:43:53,696 Really? 2139 01:43:53,796 --> 01:43:54,763 Yeah, you can have them back. 2140 01:43:54,864 --> 01:43:56,126 I'm so excited! - Yeah. 2141 01:43:56,232 --> 01:43:57,699 Do you think they still fit me? 2142 01:43:57,800 --> 01:43:58,789 I guarantee it. 2143 01:43:58,902 --> 01:43:59,960 I'm so happy! 2144 01:44:00,069 --> 01:44:02,697 I guarantee it. Get in those. 2145 01:44:02,805 --> 01:44:04,636 These used to kill me. Oh, my God, they're so faded. 2146 01:44:04,741 --> 01:44:06,231 Oh, shit! 2147 01:44:06,342 --> 01:44:07,331 They fit! 2148 01:44:07,443 --> 01:44:08,808 They look good! - Really? 2149 01:44:08,912 --> 01:44:10,436 Yeah, that's the same ass! 2150 01:44:10,546 --> 01:44:14,607 Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back. 2151 01:44:14,717 --> 01:44:16,844 Bump and groove it 2152 01:44:16,953 --> 01:44:19,717 To the left now To the right, y'all 2153 01:44:19,822 --> 01:44:20,789 Slap that shit! 2154 01:44:23,293 --> 01:44:25,420 Look at that! They're like Mom jeans. 2155 01:44:25,528 --> 01:44:29,055 Oh, yes. If Mom needed to get banged again. 2156 01:44:29,165 --> 01:44:30,132 Thank you. 2157 01:44:30,233 --> 01:44:31,598 Yeah, get over here. 2158 01:44:35,638 --> 01:44:38,129 Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 2159 01:44:43,713 --> 01:44:46,307 Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long? 2160 01:44:46,416 --> 01:44:48,907 We were checking out the town, man. - Beautiful! 2161 01:44:49,018 --> 01:44:50,144 Where are the groceries? 2162 01:44:50,253 --> 01:44:53,313 We decided that eating in might be more fun. 2163 01:44:53,990 --> 01:44:55,958 Oh, no, you didn't. 2164 01:44:56,059 --> 01:44:57,993 How could you do that, man? No. 2165 01:44:58,328 --> 01:45:00,193 I didn't do anything, Ira. 2166 01:45:00,296 --> 01:45:01,923 No, I know you did it. I know you did. 2167 01:45:02,065 --> 01:45:04,431 All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on. 2168 01:45:04,534 --> 01:45:06,365 Ira, are you cranky right now? 2169 01:45:06,469 --> 01:45:07,663 Do you need food in your belly? 2170 01:45:07,770 --> 01:45:08,737 No. 2171 01:45:08,838 --> 01:45:10,471 Come on, we're going to order in a pizza. 2172 01:45:11,107 --> 01:45:14,167 Of course, Mr. Peters. 2173 01:45:14,277 --> 01:45:15,244 I'll be at the... 2174 01:45:16,579 --> 01:45:17,876 Lunch meeting. 2175 01:45:18,915 --> 01:45:21,213 You're serving seafood? 2176 01:45:23,853 --> 01:45:25,718 I love seafood! 2177 01:45:26,389 --> 01:45:28,152 Okay, see you there! 2178 01:45:30,293 --> 01:45:31,783 Pizza's here! - Yeah. 2179 01:45:31,894 --> 01:45:33,293 I'll be right back. - Yes. 2180 01:45:33,396 --> 01:45:35,091 I'm the pizza monster! 2181 01:45:39,002 --> 01:45:40,970 Hi, honey! 2182 01:45:41,270 --> 01:45:42,635 Clarke. Hi, sweetie. 2183 01:45:42,739 --> 01:45:44,934 Hi. What are you doing here? 2184 01:45:45,041 --> 01:45:46,736 Decided to surprise you. 2185 01:45:46,843 --> 01:45:49,607 The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack 2186 01:45:49,712 --> 01:45:50,974 while I was waiting in reception for him. 2187 01:45:51,080 --> 01:45:52,513 It was unbelievable. - Wow. 2188 01:45:52,615 --> 01:45:54,242 Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy 2189 01:45:54,350 --> 01:45:55,612 comes running past with, like, the... 2190 01:45:56,185 --> 01:45:57,413 What's it called? A defibrillator? 2191 01:45:57,520 --> 01:45:58,817 Starts zapping him. Right. Yeah, I've seen it. 2192 01:45:58,955 --> 01:46:01,287 It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen. 2193 01:46:01,391 --> 01:46:03,382 I missed you. 2194 01:46:08,498 --> 01:46:09,465 I know you. 2195 01:46:09,565 --> 01:46:10,830 Yes. 2196 01:46:12,168 --> 01:46:13,362 How you doing? 2197 01:46:14,003 --> 01:46:15,265 This is George Simmons. 2198 01:46:15,371 --> 01:46:16,895 He had a big comedy concert last night. 2199 01:46:17,006 --> 01:46:17,973 Oh, okay. 2200 01:46:18,241 --> 01:46:21,039 And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit. 2201 01:46:22,311 --> 01:46:23,835 Hope that's good. I... 2202 01:46:23,946 --> 01:46:25,413 I love the stand-up comedy. 2203 01:46:25,748 --> 01:46:27,340 Yeah, yeah. How'd it go? 2204 01:46:27,450 --> 01:46:31,648 They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus. 2205 01:46:31,754 --> 01:46:34,917 Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here. 2206 01:46:35,024 --> 01:46:36,753 Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah. 2207 01:46:36,859 --> 01:46:39,350 You have a... You have a very nice family, man, 2208 01:46:39,462 --> 01:46:40,929 and a great, great home. 2209 01:46:41,030 --> 01:46:42,463 Thank you. 2210 01:46:42,565 --> 01:46:43,964 Well, it's good to have you home. 2211 01:46:44,067 --> 01:46:45,591 The kids are dying to see you if... 2212 01:46:45,701 --> 01:46:48,602 Ira's hungry for... 2213 01:46:48,704 --> 01:46:49,693 G'day. Clarke. 2214 01:46:49,806 --> 01:46:51,467 Good day, I'm Ira. 2215 01:46:51,574 --> 01:46:53,132 Your husband's here. - Yeah. Yep. 2216 01:46:53,242 --> 01:46:56,700 Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny. 2217 01:46:56,813 --> 01:46:58,644 Really? He looks funny! 2218 01:46:59,615 --> 01:47:00,582 Thank you. 2219 01:47:00,683 --> 01:47:02,116 How'd you go last night? 2220 01:47:02,218 --> 01:47:04,743 You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so... 2221 01:47:04,854 --> 01:47:06,185 I just said that one. 2222 01:47:06,289 --> 01:47:08,086 It was great. - Yeah. 2223 01:47:08,191 --> 01:47:10,386 They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house. 2224 01:47:10,493 --> 01:47:12,188 We were going to have dinner, but it's not... 2225 01:47:12,295 --> 01:47:14,354 It's probably better that we do family dinner 2226 01:47:14,464 --> 01:47:15,590 since you're only in town a few days. 2227 01:47:15,698 --> 01:47:16,756 No, stay. - That's a great idea. 2228 01:47:16,866 --> 01:47:18,060 The more the merrier. 2229 01:47:18,167 --> 01:47:19,327 Okay. Let's do that. 2230 01:47:19,635 --> 01:47:21,125 Thank you. - Great. 2231 01:47:21,237 --> 01:47:22,204 I'm going to go say hi to the kids. 2232 01:47:22,305 --> 01:47:23,772 Okay. Okay. 2233 01:47:23,873 --> 01:47:25,340 That's hilarious. 2234 01:47:25,441 --> 01:47:27,636 You can't tell him that you're better, okay? 2235 01:47:27,743 --> 01:47:30,007 He'll know that something happened between us. 2236 01:47:30,113 --> 01:47:31,171 I won't. Okay? 2237 01:47:31,280 --> 01:47:33,578 'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids. 2238 01:47:33,683 --> 01:47:35,913 And I can't just throw it away this second, okay? 2239 01:47:36,185 --> 01:47:40,451 Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress. 2240 01:47:40,556 --> 01:47:43,548 Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick. 2241 01:47:43,659 --> 01:47:47,527 And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's going to know. 2242 01:47:47,663 --> 01:47:48,721 So, don't say anything. 2243 01:47:48,831 --> 01:47:50,230 Okay, yeah, yeah. 2244 01:47:50,333 --> 01:47:52,096 Of course. Sure. I'll do that. 2245 01:47:52,702 --> 01:47:55,034 People never thought China would do that much business with the US, 2246 01:47:55,138 --> 01:47:57,663 but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this. 2247 01:47:57,773 --> 01:47:58,865 You've got a billion people. 2248 01:47:58,975 --> 01:48:00,442 We make all kinds of cool shit. 2249 01:48:00,543 --> 01:48:02,738 They find out about the cool shit, like, on the Internet and stuff. 2250 01:48:02,845 --> 01:48:03,812 And they're going to want the cool shit. 2251 01:48:03,913 --> 01:48:05,676 Cool shit's universal. 2252 01:48:05,781 --> 01:48:08,011 China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now. 2253 01:48:08,117 --> 01:48:09,641 That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier. 2254 01:48:09,752 --> 01:48:11,481 Wow. Wow. North Korea? - North Korea. 2255 01:48:11,621 --> 01:48:14,055 Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit. 2256 01:48:14,157 --> 01:48:15,351 There you go. 2257 01:48:15,458 --> 01:48:17,221 This is really good pizza. 2258 01:48:17,326 --> 01:48:19,089 You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza 2259 01:48:19,195 --> 01:48:21,060 and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay, 2260 01:48:21,164 --> 01:48:22,188 but who would have thought, you know, 2261 01:48:22,298 --> 01:48:26,928 Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies. 2262 01:48:32,875 --> 01:48:34,775 Clarke speaks fluent Chinese. 2263 01:48:34,877 --> 01:48:37,778 Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin? 2264 01:48:37,880 --> 01:48:40,110 Oh, well played, Ira. Mandarin. 2265 01:48:40,216 --> 01:48:41,911 Well guyed, Ira. 2266 01:48:42,018 --> 01:48:44,486 It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus. 2267 01:49:01,771 --> 01:49:03,602 That was like a scene from Deer Hunter. 2268 01:49:06,909 --> 01:49:09,173 Girls, you can go and watch TV. 2269 01:49:09,812 --> 01:49:12,474 Go on. Whatever you want to watch. 2270 01:49:13,583 --> 01:49:16,609 So, George, how's the fight going, mate? 2271 01:49:16,719 --> 01:49:17,686 How is it? 2272 01:49:17,787 --> 01:49:22,281 Clarke. This is not something that he wants to talk about right now. 2273 01:49:22,391 --> 01:49:25,792 He has to think about it every day of his life. 2274 01:49:25,895 --> 01:49:28,728 And he's taking a break from it right now. 2275 01:49:28,831 --> 01:49:35,600 It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy 2276 01:49:35,705 --> 01:49:38,401 to so many people has to go through this. 2277 01:49:39,342 --> 01:49:42,175 Shit. Shit. 2278 01:49:42,278 --> 01:49:43,267 I'm sorry, mate. 2279 01:49:43,379 --> 01:49:47,406 Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code. 2280 01:49:47,516 --> 01:49:49,643 I'm sick. I think about it all the time. 2281 01:49:49,752 --> 01:49:50,980 Mate, I don't know how you do it. 2282 01:49:51,087 --> 01:49:53,578 I would be crying in my panties if I was you. 2283 01:49:53,723 --> 01:49:55,714 I worship guys like you, that attitude. 2284 01:49:55,825 --> 01:49:57,292 Have you considered Eastern medicine? 2285 01:49:57,393 --> 01:50:00,226 Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine, 2286 01:50:00,329 --> 01:50:02,422 but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock. 2287 01:50:02,531 --> 01:50:06,365 If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some. 2288 01:50:06,469 --> 01:50:08,403 For the last time, stop calling me Rhino. 2289 01:50:11,574 --> 01:50:13,371 George Simmons in my house! 2290 01:50:13,476 --> 01:50:17,537 Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhoea. 2291 01:50:17,680 --> 01:50:19,113 No, it's true. I shit myself, mate, 2292 01:50:19,215 --> 01:50:20,614 and I had a boner at the same time. 2293 01:50:23,252 --> 01:50:25,550 I want to take an herb that makes me as good-looking as you. 2294 01:50:25,655 --> 01:50:27,247 Jesus Christ! 2295 01:50:27,356 --> 01:50:29,551 If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself. 2296 01:50:29,659 --> 01:50:30,626 That's what I do! 2297 01:50:32,495 --> 01:50:34,690 All right! All right! We're cooking. 2298 01:50:35,131 --> 01:50:36,655 He's really funny. - Mmm-hmm. 2299 01:50:36,899 --> 01:50:38,491 I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though. 2300 01:50:38,601 --> 01:50:40,091 That's weird, isn't it? - Mmm-hmm. 2301 01:50:40,202 --> 01:50:41,692 He should put some of that on the silver screen. 2302 01:50:41,804 --> 01:50:43,066 So, just one drink, okay? 2303 01:50:43,172 --> 01:50:45,732 This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with. 2304 01:50:45,841 --> 01:50:47,741 This? This is the Australian me? 2305 01:50:47,843 --> 01:50:49,470 I'm so much better than this fucking idiot. 2306 01:50:49,578 --> 01:50:50,806 He seems like the nicest guy, ever. 2307 01:50:50,913 --> 01:50:52,710 He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes. 2308 01:50:52,815 --> 01:50:54,874 I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her. 2309 01:50:54,984 --> 01:50:57,009 Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband 2310 01:50:57,119 --> 01:50:58,245 and delightful kids? 2311 01:50:58,354 --> 01:50:59,912 Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho. 2312 01:51:00,022 --> 01:51:01,546 You said nothing was going on between you two. 2313 01:51:01,657 --> 01:51:03,522 The dog could tell that you banged her. 2314 01:51:03,626 --> 01:51:04,854 And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't... 2315 01:51:04,960 --> 01:51:08,020 Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids. 2316 01:51:10,199 --> 01:51:12,827 Tim, are you asking me out on a date? 2317 01:51:12,935 --> 01:51:14,368 Would you like it to be a date? 2318 01:51:14,470 --> 01:51:16,267 Hey, bro, so your doctor called 2319 01:51:16,372 --> 01:51:19,671 and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool. 2320 01:51:20,876 --> 01:51:22,309 Also, I was trying to do the laundry, 2321 01:51:22,411 --> 01:51:24,777 but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent. 2322 01:51:24,880 --> 01:51:27,246 What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.? 2323 01:51:27,350 --> 01:51:29,978 Wow, I think I have a class. 2324 01:51:30,086 --> 01:51:31,383 You guys like this show? 2325 01:51:31,487 --> 01:51:32,613 No! 2326 01:51:32,722 --> 01:51:34,815 It's the worst show, ever. 2327 01:51:34,924 --> 01:51:35,891 Good. 2328 01:51:36,692 --> 01:51:38,626 Here you go. We're finished with the French shit. 2329 01:51:38,728 --> 01:51:40,286 We're into Espanola! 2330 01:51:40,396 --> 01:51:41,920 All right. 2331 01:51:42,765 --> 01:51:44,426 China, man. - Wow. 2332 01:51:44,533 --> 01:51:47,297 And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough. 2333 01:51:47,403 --> 01:51:48,563 Right? Rough on the kids. 2334 01:51:48,671 --> 01:51:51,834 It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so... 2335 01:51:53,576 --> 01:51:56,501 You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress. 2336 01:51:56,612 --> 01:51:58,477 Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me, 2337 01:51:58,581 --> 01:52:00,173 so she's pretty good then, isn't she? 2338 01:52:00,282 --> 01:52:01,840 Yeah. I am. 2339 01:52:03,018 --> 01:52:05,953 Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though. 2340 01:52:06,055 --> 01:52:07,750 Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in. 2341 01:52:07,857 --> 01:52:09,825 It wasn't really for me, you know. 2342 01:52:10,025 --> 01:52:15,019 Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask. 2343 01:52:15,131 --> 01:52:17,224 Cameron Diaz! That's my girl. 2344 01:52:17,333 --> 01:52:19,301 She's a bloody top actress, isn't she? 2345 01:52:19,402 --> 01:52:22,132 Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spiff in her hair? 2346 01:52:22,304 --> 01:52:23,430 Something About Mary! 2347 01:52:24,640 --> 01:52:27,541 I love that movie! She's so funny! 2348 01:52:27,643 --> 01:52:29,440 Just about shit my panties in that one. 2349 01:52:29,645 --> 01:52:30,805 No, no, no, there's not too many girls 2350 01:52:30,913 --> 01:52:34,440 that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and... 2351 01:52:34,550 --> 01:52:35,812 She had the whole deal. 2352 01:52:35,918 --> 01:52:41,322 Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on. 2353 01:52:42,525 --> 01:52:43,583 See, if you how�ve done that movie, 2354 01:52:43,692 --> 01:52:45,216 you could have had the bloody spiff in your hair. 2355 01:52:45,327 --> 01:52:46,294 Look out. 2356 01:52:46,395 --> 01:52:47,362 What are you giving me the evil eyes for? 2357 01:52:47,463 --> 01:52:48,589 You're such a dick sometimes. 2358 01:52:48,697 --> 01:52:49,755 I'm not... Why? 2359 01:52:49,865 --> 01:52:50,854 Because. 2360 01:52:51,000 --> 01:52:53,833 I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it. 2361 01:52:53,936 --> 01:52:55,767 I feel like I didn't reach my potential that... 2362 01:52:55,871 --> 01:52:57,133 Oh, please! 2363 01:52:57,239 --> 01:52:58,206 Oh, please, what? 2364 01:52:58,307 --> 01:52:59,433 I didn't reach my potential, either! 2365 01:52:59,542 --> 01:53:00,839 I could have been playing footie! 2366 01:53:00,943 --> 01:53:01,932 You weren't that good 2367 01:53:02,044 --> 01:53:03,170 at playing footie. I was. 2368 01:53:03,279 --> 01:53:04,246 You weren't. 2369 01:53:05,247 --> 01:53:08,648 You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you. 2370 01:53:08,751 --> 01:53:11,686 All right, on that note, I'm going to head back to Los Angeles. 2371 01:53:11,787 --> 01:53:12,776 No, come on, stay. 2372 01:53:12,888 --> 01:53:13,855 No, it's fine. I'll split. 2373 01:53:13,956 --> 01:53:14,980 It's early. I've been here too long. 2374 01:53:15,090 --> 01:53:16,284 Schemer! We just started a bottle. 2375 01:53:16,392 --> 01:53:19,259 Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schemer! 2376 01:53:19,361 --> 01:53:21,921 Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh! 2377 01:53:22,064 --> 01:53:23,725 Shoot. - Uh-oh! Look out. 2378 01:53:23,833 --> 01:53:24,800 God, I'm sorry, guys. 2379 01:53:24,900 --> 01:53:25,867 Someone's had too much to drink. 2380 01:53:26,001 --> 01:53:28,993 Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I... 2381 01:53:29,338 --> 01:53:31,203 Hold it together there, Schemer. I'm just a... Oh, God. 2382 01:53:31,307 --> 01:53:32,274 It's okay. 2383 01:53:32,374 --> 01:53:33,534 You're staying here. You're not driving. 2384 01:53:33,642 --> 01:53:36,236 No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done. 2385 01:53:36,345 --> 01:53:37,937 You two, plenty of room to stay. - No, no. Ira can drive. 2386 01:53:38,047 --> 01:53:39,412 He... You're fine to drive, right, Ira? 2387 01:53:39,515 --> 01:53:41,312 I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all. 2388 01:53:41,417 --> 01:53:44,443 No way! I'm not having America's favourite funny man dead on the side of the road 2389 01:53:44,553 --> 01:53:46,111 'cause Schemer here's had too much to drink. 2390 01:53:46,222 --> 01:53:47,348 George, you can drive, right? 2391 01:53:47,456 --> 01:53:49,481 Bullshit! You're staying here. 2392 01:53:49,625 --> 01:53:53,186 Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight. 2393 01:53:53,295 --> 01:53:54,660 Semi-final. Saints versus Maggie�s. 2394 01:53:54,763 --> 01:53:56,924 Not that American shit. I want you to see it. 2395 01:53:57,032 --> 01:54:00,058 One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here? 2396 01:54:00,169 --> 01:54:01,796 Yes, it's on... 2397 01:54:03,172 --> 01:54:04,196 Yes! 2398 01:54:04,807 --> 01:54:06,798 Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker, 2399 01:54:06,909 --> 01:54:09,070 you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barrelling 2400 01:54:09,178 --> 01:54:11,009 and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling. 2401 01:54:11,113 --> 01:54:12,410 Now watch. The little fuckers down there go. 2402 01:54:12,515 --> 01:54:14,449 There they are. Big fuckers smack them. 2403 01:54:14,550 --> 01:54:16,984 Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker. 2404 01:54:17,086 --> 01:54:20,681 Now he's going to go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker. 2405 01:54:20,789 --> 01:54:21,756 Where are the black guys? 2406 01:54:21,857 --> 01:54:23,290 This is... There's a couple out there. 2407 01:54:23,392 --> 01:54:24,791 I hate this team. - Oh, yeah? 2408 01:54:24,894 --> 01:54:26,361 Magpies. Hate the Maggie�s! 2409 01:54:26,462 --> 01:54:30,398 They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL... 2410 01:54:30,566 --> 01:54:35,003 No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See? 2411 01:54:35,104 --> 01:54:38,562 Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it! 2412 01:54:46,582 --> 01:54:48,072 Yeah, we got to get going, you know. 2413 01:54:48,183 --> 01:54:50,151 Are you sure you can't stay? 2414 01:54:50,252 --> 01:54:51,810 We can't stay. We can't stay. 2415 01:54:51,921 --> 01:54:54,890 Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday. 2416 01:54:54,990 --> 01:54:55,957 We got family coming in from all over. 2417 01:54:56,058 --> 01:54:57,025 That's right. 2418 01:54:57,126 --> 01:54:59,617 She just had a stroke. In her leg. 2419 01:54:59,728 --> 01:55:00,990 So, you know, we got to get back. 2420 01:55:01,096 --> 01:55:02,063 Yeah. 2421 01:55:02,164 --> 01:55:03,791 That's too bad you guys can't stay. 2422 01:55:03,899 --> 01:55:05,196 It is too bad. 2423 01:55:05,401 --> 01:55:07,733 Well, I wish I could say I was going to see you again, George, 2424 01:55:07,836 --> 01:55:09,770 but I can't really say that, can I? 2425 01:55:09,872 --> 01:55:12,170 Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't. 2426 01:55:12,274 --> 01:55:13,241 You don't have to do that, honey. 2427 01:55:13,342 --> 01:55:15,640 No, I do have to do this, honey. I do. 2428 01:55:15,744 --> 01:55:16,870 You know what, mate? 2429 01:55:16,979 --> 01:55:20,346 If there's one thing I've learned from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese, 2430 01:55:20,449 --> 01:55:23,941 is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth. 2431 01:55:24,053 --> 01:55:27,955 So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you. 2432 01:55:28,958 --> 01:55:32,792 Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life. 2433 01:55:34,396 --> 01:55:36,364 It's been great getting to know you. 2434 01:55:36,465 --> 01:55:41,368 And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side. 2435 01:55:41,470 --> 01:55:42,630 Come here, mate. 2436 01:55:42,738 --> 01:55:45,206 Okay, we're going to do this. 2437 01:55:46,575 --> 01:55:48,634 Thank you. Thank you for everything. 2438 01:55:48,744 --> 01:55:49,711 All right. 2439 01:55:49,812 --> 01:55:50,938 Thank you. 2440 01:55:51,046 --> 01:55:53,276 All right, I appreciate your having us. 2441 01:55:53,382 --> 01:55:56,613 Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick anymore. 2442 01:55:56,719 --> 01:55:57,947 Ira told us. 2443 01:55:58,053 --> 01:55:59,213 I didn't say that. 2444 01:55:59,321 --> 01:56:00,288 Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. 2445 01:56:00,389 --> 01:56:02,323 When we were colouring. - No. 2446 01:56:02,424 --> 01:56:03,448 Yeah. - Yeah. 2447 01:56:03,559 --> 01:56:04,583 That's not true, girls. 2448 01:56:04,693 --> 01:56:06,024 No, that's not true. - I did not say that. 2449 01:56:06,128 --> 01:56:07,425 I don't know what they're talking about. 2450 01:56:07,529 --> 01:56:08,757 Liar. 2451 01:56:08,864 --> 01:56:10,729 Liar, liar, pants on fire. 2452 01:56:10,833 --> 01:56:13,097 They were freaking out. They were worried about George. 2453 01:56:13,202 --> 01:56:15,295 I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just... 2454 01:56:15,404 --> 01:56:16,803 Kids, go inside. 2455 01:56:16,905 --> 01:56:18,839 Can we watch Borate? - Yeah, you can. 2456 01:56:18,941 --> 01:56:20,340 I don't want to watch Borate. - Yes, you... Come on. 2457 01:56:20,442 --> 01:56:21,875 See you guys. 2458 01:56:23,145 --> 01:56:26,171 What is going on around here? Is that true? 2459 01:56:26,281 --> 01:56:28,511 I never said that he was feeling better. 2460 01:56:28,617 --> 01:56:31,108 He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him 2461 01:56:31,220 --> 01:56:32,619 because they can't detect it in his blood, 2462 01:56:32,721 --> 01:56:35,189 but that doesn't mean that he's better. 2463 01:56:35,290 --> 01:56:36,757 These things are very tricky 2464 01:56:36,859 --> 01:56:39,987 and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it! 2465 01:56:40,095 --> 01:56:41,460 Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it? 2466 01:56:41,563 --> 01:56:43,588 Yeah. No, no, no, I... Yeah, I'm very superstitious. 2467 01:56:43,699 --> 01:56:44,688 Mmm-hmm. 2468 01:56:44,800 --> 01:56:46,324 You're a terrible liar. 2469 01:56:46,435 --> 01:56:51,338 No, nothing's going on around here! 2470 01:56:51,440 --> 01:56:53,874 It's completely innocent. 2471 01:56:53,976 --> 01:56:55,409 I left me ring... - What accent is that? 2472 01:56:55,511 --> 01:56:57,445 ...on the side table. - Jamaican? 2473 01:56:57,780 --> 01:56:59,873 Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it. 2474 01:57:00,382 --> 01:57:02,543 Lots of people go to massage parlours. 2475 01:57:02,651 --> 01:57:05,279 That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug. 2476 01:57:05,387 --> 01:57:10,791 Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy. 2477 01:57:11,293 --> 01:57:12,885 What the hell has gotten into you? 2478 01:57:12,995 --> 01:57:15,225 I was at a footie game! 2479 01:57:15,330 --> 01:57:16,922 Are you taking the piss out of me? 2480 01:57:17,032 --> 01:57:21,765 I would never lie to you, mate. Oil? 2481 01:57:22,771 --> 01:57:23,738 I'm not playing this game with you. 2482 01:57:23,839 --> 01:57:26,307 This is stupid. What a stupid game! 2483 01:57:27,176 --> 01:57:29,906 Clarke, let's tell each other the truth. 2484 01:57:30,879 --> 01:57:31,846 Just come clean with me. 2485 01:57:31,947 --> 01:57:33,107 There's nothing to tell. 2486 01:57:33,215 --> 01:57:34,204 There's nothing to tell? 2487 01:57:34,316 --> 01:57:35,283 There's nothing to tell. 2488 01:57:35,384 --> 01:57:39,081 You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move! 2489 01:57:39,188 --> 01:57:40,678 You know what? I'm not doing this. 2490 01:57:40,789 --> 01:57:43,986 I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do! 2491 01:57:44,093 --> 01:57:45,253 Enjoy each other! 2492 01:57:45,360 --> 01:57:46,657 Go fuck your whores! 2493 01:57:47,362 --> 01:57:49,830 "Go fuck your whores"? 2494 01:57:57,673 --> 01:58:01,735 So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me. 2495 01:58:01,844 --> 01:58:03,869 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 2496 01:58:03,979 --> 01:58:08,541 I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine. 2497 01:58:08,650 --> 01:58:11,949 I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay. 2498 01:58:12,054 --> 01:58:13,180 I would be scared if I was you right now. 2499 01:58:13,288 --> 01:58:14,277 Are you kidding me? 2500 01:58:14,389 --> 01:58:15,515 This is what needed to happen. 2501 01:58:15,624 --> 01:58:17,057 I would run away. 2502 01:58:17,159 --> 01:58:18,126 No, I'm staying here. 2503 01:58:18,227 --> 01:58:19,194 Are you going to run away? 2504 01:58:19,294 --> 01:58:21,990 Where am I running to? Only if you come with me. 2505 01:58:22,097 --> 01:58:24,588 I really need you around right now. 2506 01:58:24,700 --> 01:58:25,689 Yeah. Yeah. 2507 01:58:25,801 --> 01:58:26,859 Can you stay till Monday? 2508 01:58:26,969 --> 01:58:28,266 Absolutely. 2509 01:58:28,370 --> 01:58:30,770 Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know? 2510 01:58:30,873 --> 01:58:32,864 I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be. 2511 01:58:32,975 --> 01:58:34,567 We don't have to be here right this second. 2512 01:58:34,676 --> 01:58:35,643 Can't we just go? 2513 01:58:35,744 --> 01:58:37,336 Man, I don't... I see... 2514 01:58:37,446 --> 01:58:40,711 Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too. 2515 01:58:41,083 --> 01:58:42,050 Good. 2516 01:58:42,151 --> 01:58:43,550 But that's what led me to this shitty life. 2517 01:58:43,652 --> 01:58:47,986 I got to stay here. I got to do the right thing. I love her. 2518 01:58:48,090 --> 01:58:52,618 Right now, her husband is going to come back and murder us, man! 2519 01:58:52,728 --> 01:58:54,628 Did you see his arms? They look like legs! 2520 01:58:54,730 --> 01:58:56,220 Shut up. Don't be an idiot. 2521 01:58:56,331 --> 01:59:00,859 I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man 2522 01:59:01,003 --> 01:59:03,767 and someone came into your home and fucked your wife. 2523 01:59:03,872 --> 01:59:06,841 You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin 2524 01:59:07,009 --> 01:59:08,840 'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go! 2525 01:59:09,077 --> 01:59:11,841 Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced. 2526 01:59:11,947 --> 01:59:15,474 They make mistakes, they change their lives. 2527 01:59:16,718 --> 01:59:20,176 It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole. 2528 01:59:20,289 --> 01:59:22,257 She seems like a crazy actress, man. 2529 01:59:22,357 --> 01:59:23,756 I don't know what to tell you, man. 2530 01:59:23,859 --> 01:59:25,486 Am I not allowed to be happy or something? 2531 01:59:25,594 --> 01:59:28,893 I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. 2532 01:59:28,997 --> 01:59:30,430 This is the only girl I've ever loved 2533 01:59:30,532 --> 01:59:32,124 and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? 2534 01:59:32,968 --> 01:59:34,299 When am I supposed to be happy? 2535 01:59:34,403 --> 01:59:37,167 Why does everyone else get to be happy? 2536 01:59:37,272 --> 01:59:40,173 Look, George, I'm just going to tell you this, as a friend. 2537 01:59:40,943 --> 01:59:43,639 From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness 2538 01:59:43,745 --> 01:59:46,612 might be coming at the cost of destroying this family. 2539 01:59:47,583 --> 01:59:50,074 Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend, 2540 01:59:50,185 --> 01:59:52,517 and let you know you're not my friend. 2541 01:59:52,621 --> 01:59:54,555 You fucking work for me! 2542 01:59:54,656 --> 01:59:59,116 I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man! 2543 01:59:59,228 --> 02:00:01,389 Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke! 2544 02:00:01,496 --> 02:00:04,090 And remind yourself that's what you do for me! 2545 02:00:04,199 --> 02:00:05,461 Now get the fuck out of here! 2546 02:00:05,567 --> 02:00:06,534 Fine. 2547 02:00:07,536 --> 02:00:10,437 Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone. 2548 02:00:10,539 --> 02:00:12,268 Okay, fine. 2549 02:00:14,877 --> 02:00:15,844 This is Mark. 2550 02:00:15,944 --> 02:00:17,502 Hey, Mark, it's Ira. How's it going, man? 2551 02:00:17,946 --> 02:00:20,847 Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie. 2552 02:00:20,949 --> 02:00:23,247 That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay? 2553 02:00:23,352 --> 02:00:24,478 Where have you been? 2554 02:00:24,586 --> 02:00:27,316 I'm in Marin County. Northern California. 2555 02:00:27,422 --> 02:00:30,118 Listen, I... I have to tell you something. 2556 02:00:30,392 --> 02:00:32,053 Are you sitting down? 2557 02:00:32,160 --> 02:00:33,127 Yeah. - Okay. 2558 02:00:34,162 --> 02:00:35,527 The other night I went out to drinks 2559 02:00:35,631 --> 02:00:36,620 with the producers of my show 2560 02:00:36,732 --> 02:00:38,461 and Leo met up with us. 2561 02:00:38,567 --> 02:00:40,762 And they were enamoured by him and they thought he was really funny. 2562 02:00:40,869 --> 02:00:43,702 And they offered him a part on Yo Teach! and he took it. 2563 02:00:43,805 --> 02:00:46,239 I saw the episode. I know that that happened. 2564 02:00:46,341 --> 02:00:47,501 You watched it? - I watched it. 2565 02:00:47,609 --> 02:00:48,576 Did you love it? 2566 02:00:49,311 --> 02:00:51,176 Yeah. He was great, right? 2567 02:00:51,280 --> 02:00:53,180 It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay? 2568 02:00:53,282 --> 02:00:54,374 Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, 2569 02:00:54,483 --> 02:00:56,781 to stop being a baby and to just get over it! 2570 02:00:56,885 --> 02:00:57,909 Why don't you tell Leo yourself? 2571 02:00:58,020 --> 02:01:00,045 'Cause Leo's been shrivelling this whole conversation. 2572 02:01:00,355 --> 02:01:01,413 You dick. - Fucking asshole. 2573 02:01:01,523 --> 02:01:03,320 Leo, get off the phone! Screw you, Leo. Screw you. 2574 02:01:03,425 --> 02:01:04,790 Hey, man what have you been up to? 2575 02:01:04,893 --> 02:01:06,190 Sucking George Simmons' balls? 2576 02:01:06,295 --> 02:01:08,559 That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach! living it up. 2577 02:01:08,664 --> 02:01:10,154 I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach! sucks. 2578 02:01:10,265 --> 02:01:11,357 Go lose some more weight, Ira! 2579 02:01:11,466 --> 02:01:12,490 You look fucking weird skinny! 2580 02:01:13,068 --> 02:01:14,399 Leo, calm down! 2581 02:01:14,503 --> 02:01:16,767 You know what, Ira? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole 2582 02:01:16,872 --> 02:01:19,705 so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk! 2583 02:01:19,808 --> 02:01:20,775 That doesn't even make sense! 2584 02:01:20,876 --> 02:01:23,174 You're going to put glasses on my ass? What? 2585 02:01:23,278 --> 02:01:27,180 Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay? 2586 02:01:27,282 --> 02:01:28,749 Teach can have more than one friend. 2587 02:01:28,850 --> 02:01:30,078 Can we talk about this later? 2588 02:01:30,185 --> 02:01:32,983 I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please? 2589 02:01:33,088 --> 02:01:36,580 Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay? 2590 02:01:36,692 --> 02:01:37,784 Will you do that? 2591 02:01:37,893 --> 02:01:40,589 All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen. 2592 02:01:42,130 --> 02:01:44,030 Okay. Here's what's happening. 2593 02:01:44,132 --> 02:01:45,929 I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck, 2594 02:01:46,034 --> 02:01:48,059 but if I do something, I will lose my job. 2595 02:01:48,170 --> 02:01:49,137 Are you serious? 2596 02:01:49,237 --> 02:01:50,636 So, what I don't know, is... 2597 02:01:50,939 --> 02:01:53,032 Screw you. 2598 02:01:54,576 --> 02:01:55,570 Higher! Higher! 2599 02:01:55,677 --> 02:01:56,666 I can't. I... I can't. - Yes, you can. 2600 02:01:56,778 --> 02:01:58,245 You, you have to go down a little bit then 2601 02:01:58,347 --> 02:02:00,042 through the middle. - Be careful. Don't let him fall on you. 2602 02:02:00,148 --> 02:02:01,115 Where do I put my hand? 2603 02:02:01,917 --> 02:02:06,820 I spoke to Clarke. He's going to be at the airport tonight heading back to China. 2604 02:02:06,955 --> 02:02:09,515 I'm going to go tell him that when he comes back 2605 02:02:09,758 --> 02:02:12,192 he should find another place to live. 2606 02:02:12,294 --> 02:02:13,522 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What... 2607 02:02:13,628 --> 02:02:16,392 You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah. 2608 02:02:16,832 --> 02:02:17,821 You're going to tell him? 2609 02:02:17,933 --> 02:02:19,298 I just don't want him coming back here. 2610 02:02:19,401 --> 02:02:20,663 You don't need him. - No. 2611 02:02:20,769 --> 02:02:22,828 That'll just get you sick. 2612 02:02:22,938 --> 02:02:25,805 Good, you got to tell him. So, when are you doing that? 2613 02:02:25,907 --> 02:02:26,874 Tonight? - Yeah. 2614 02:02:27,009 --> 02:02:27,976 Okay, okay, I'm coming down. 2615 02:02:28,076 --> 02:02:29,043 Jump! 2616 02:02:29,978 --> 02:02:31,002 I talked to a girlfriend of mine, 2617 02:02:31,113 --> 02:02:33,172 and she has somebody who could show us 2618 02:02:33,348 --> 02:02:35,441 some houses down in Los Angeles. 2619 02:02:35,817 --> 02:02:37,011 And we'll get that whole thing going. 2620 02:02:37,119 --> 02:02:41,556 And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now, 2621 02:02:41,656 --> 02:02:44,750 but we should probably let them finish up because it's December. 2622 02:02:44,860 --> 02:02:46,384 And I don't want to mess everything up. 2623 02:02:46,495 --> 02:02:48,292 They have to finish the whole year here. 2624 02:02:48,397 --> 02:02:49,796 Yeah, that makes sense to me. So, if we just go down 2625 02:02:49,898 --> 02:02:51,195 at the beginning of the summer, 2626 02:02:51,299 --> 02:02:52,630 let them kind of transit. I'm supposed to do 2627 02:02:52,734 --> 02:02:54,258 a little two-week tour this summer. 2628 02:02:54,369 --> 02:02:56,667 I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it. 2629 02:02:56,838 --> 02:03:00,274 No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you. 2630 02:03:00,375 --> 02:03:04,505 I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again. 2631 02:03:04,613 --> 02:03:06,342 Good. - Yeah. 2632 02:03:06,448 --> 02:03:09,008 She's whopping you, Ingrid! Good job there, Lulu. 2633 02:03:10,285 --> 02:03:11,980 So, she's going to go to the airport tonight 2634 02:03:12,087 --> 02:03:14,988 and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and... 2635 02:03:16,258 --> 02:03:18,249 What do you think of that? 2636 02:03:18,360 --> 02:03:20,521 I don't want to tell you what I think about that 2637 02:03:20,629 --> 02:03:22,153 'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George. 2638 02:03:22,264 --> 02:03:23,754 Oh, God. 2639 02:03:23,865 --> 02:03:26,527 I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's going to get them 2640 02:03:26,635 --> 02:03:28,796 and does he get one and Laura gets one, 2641 02:03:28,904 --> 02:03:30,496 or am I going to have both of them? 2642 02:03:30,605 --> 02:03:32,630 'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click. 2643 02:03:32,741 --> 02:03:36,507 But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon. 2644 02:03:36,611 --> 02:03:38,272 I think she would probably get the kids. 2645 02:03:38,380 --> 02:03:39,369 All right, yeah. 2646 02:03:39,481 --> 02:03:41,574 I don't think you can have two girls in China. 2647 02:03:41,716 --> 02:03:43,183 What are you going to do now? Look at this crew. 2648 02:03:43,285 --> 02:03:44,547 Why so close? Really? 2649 02:03:45,720 --> 02:03:47,381 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2650 02:03:47,489 --> 02:03:49,116 You okay, little girl? You okay? 2651 02:03:49,224 --> 02:03:50,623 Oh, man. Are you okay? 2652 02:03:50,759 --> 02:03:52,351 Okay. I'm going to show you Mable singing... 2653 02:03:52,461 --> 02:03:53,450 Mom, you make everybody see... 2654 02:03:53,562 --> 02:03:55,723 No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's... 2655 02:03:55,897 --> 02:03:57,524 No. I hate that you show it to everyone. 2656 02:03:57,632 --> 02:03:59,122 I'll just show them the end part. 2657 02:04:01,103 --> 02:04:03,469 I'll just show you the ending. Okay. 2658 02:04:17,752 --> 02:04:23,748 Burnt-out ends of smoky days 2659 02:04:24,626 --> 02:04:30,496 The stale cold smell of morning 2660 02:04:31,933 --> 02:04:38,634 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 2661 02:04:39,141 --> 02:04:44,306 Another day is dawning 2662 02:04:46,748 --> 02:04:49,308 Touch me 2663 02:04:49,484 --> 02:04:55,912 It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory 2664 02:04:56,625 --> 02:04:59,651 Of my days in the sun 2665 02:05:01,029 --> 02:05:05,125 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 2666 02:05:08,703 --> 02:05:14,664 Look, a new day has begun 2667 02:05:22,551 --> 02:05:23,518 That was unbelievable! 2668 02:05:23,618 --> 02:05:25,279 Isn't that good? 2669 02:05:26,922 --> 02:05:28,856 That was insane! 2670 02:05:28,957 --> 02:05:32,825 That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song. 2671 02:05:32,928 --> 02:05:34,759 That was hysterical! 2672 02:05:34,896 --> 02:05:38,696 I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid. 2673 02:05:38,800 --> 02:05:41,394 If he saw that, he would shit himself! 2674 02:05:43,004 --> 02:05:44,232 That's not supposed to be funny. 2675 02:05:44,339 --> 02:05:45,306 I know, I know, I know. I'm... 2676 02:05:45,407 --> 02:05:47,568 No, I think that's why it's funnier. 2677 02:05:47,676 --> 02:05:48,643 It was so amazing. 2678 02:05:48,743 --> 02:05:49,710 Wasn't that good? 2679 02:05:49,811 --> 02:05:51,472 I think I started crying a little bit. 2680 02:05:51,580 --> 02:05:54,549 Me, too. I cry every time I see that. 2681 02:05:56,651 --> 02:05:59,313 That shit was funny up there. 2682 02:05:59,421 --> 02:06:03,255 Okay. Wow, these guys are not going to take no for an answer. 2683 02:06:04,092 --> 02:06:06,219 Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie. 2684 02:06:06,328 --> 02:06:08,956 They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs. 2685 02:06:09,097 --> 02:06:11,725 I just... There's no way I'm doing it. 2686 02:06:18,406 --> 02:06:19,703 Okay. Bye. 2687 02:06:24,879 --> 02:06:26,938 Hey, George. 2688 02:06:27,048 --> 02:06:28,379 Yeah. 2689 02:06:28,483 --> 02:06:30,212 I'm going to... I'm going to go to the store 2690 02:06:30,318 --> 02:06:31,478 and grab some cigarettes, okay? 2691 02:06:31,620 --> 02:06:32,712 I'll be back soon. 2692 02:06:32,821 --> 02:06:35,085 What? What do you need cigarettes for? 2693 02:06:35,190 --> 02:06:36,680 'Cause I'm addicted to them. 2694 02:06:36,791 --> 02:06:38,759 Why? 'Cause you look like the Fond when you smoke? 2695 02:06:38,860 --> 02:06:41,556 I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick. 2696 02:06:41,663 --> 02:06:43,187 And now that you're better... 2697 02:06:43,298 --> 02:06:45,892 Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here. 2698 02:06:46,001 --> 02:06:47,229 Okay. I'll hurry up. 2699 02:06:48,036 --> 02:06:53,736 Memory, all alone in the moonlight 2700 02:06:55,677 --> 02:06:58,908 I can't wait till the morning 2701 02:07:09,724 --> 02:07:12,090 Are my parents getting a divorce? 2702 02:07:15,096 --> 02:07:17,564 Why... Why... Why do you ask that? 2703 02:07:18,199 --> 02:07:21,862 Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and... 2704 02:07:22,370 --> 02:07:23,997 How does that make you feel? 2705 02:07:24,105 --> 02:07:26,232 Well, he's already away a lot, 2706 02:07:26,341 --> 02:07:30,539 so it doesn't really matter that much, but... 2707 02:07:30,979 --> 02:07:32,537 Uh-huh. 2708 02:07:32,647 --> 02:07:34,581 That wouldn't be fun. 2709 02:07:34,683 --> 02:07:37,413 Maybe it would be better if they were separated. 2710 02:07:37,519 --> 02:07:38,508 Mmm-mmm. 2711 02:07:38,620 --> 02:07:39,917 No? 2712 02:07:40,021 --> 02:07:41,454 That's not good. 2713 02:07:41,556 --> 02:07:42,523 Right. 2714 02:08:04,379 --> 02:08:05,539 Clarke? 2715 02:08:07,415 --> 02:08:11,511 Laura, what are you doing here? 2716 02:08:11,619 --> 02:08:13,450 I don't know. 2717 02:08:13,955 --> 02:08:17,755 Mr. Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you. 2718 02:08:20,729 --> 02:08:21,696 You've reached Ira. 2719 02:08:21,796 --> 02:08:22,888 Please leave me a message. Thank you. 2720 02:08:24,099 --> 02:08:25,828 Where are you? You got to come back here. 2721 02:08:25,934 --> 02:08:28,869 I think I'm getting... I'm getting lonely here. 2722 02:08:28,970 --> 02:08:31,939 I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up. 2723 02:08:32,907 --> 02:08:36,638 I don't trust you. Am I imagining things? 2724 02:08:38,179 --> 02:08:40,374 You're not imagining anything, honey. 2725 02:08:41,649 --> 02:08:44,641 Two times. That's all I did was two times. 2726 02:08:44,753 --> 02:08:47,221 And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times. 2727 02:08:47,322 --> 02:08:48,949 She couldn't even speak English. 2728 02:08:53,027 --> 02:08:55,018 Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school. 2729 02:08:55,130 --> 02:08:57,064 You're picking them up. You're like a single mother. 2730 02:08:57,165 --> 02:08:59,963 And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby. 2731 02:09:00,068 --> 02:09:02,730 I shouldn't be in China 2732 02:09:02,837 --> 02:09:06,102 trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me. 2733 02:09:06,207 --> 02:09:09,199 I'm going to get a normal job. I'm going to be just around the corner. 2734 02:09:09,310 --> 02:09:11,972 It's just going to be you, me and the kids. 2735 02:09:12,380 --> 02:09:15,008 All I want is a fresh start. 2736 02:09:15,116 --> 02:09:16,083 Yeah. 2737 02:09:23,825 --> 02:09:25,224 Oh. 2738 02:09:25,326 --> 02:09:26,293 Yeah. 2739 02:09:30,365 --> 02:09:32,959 The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation. 2740 02:09:33,067 --> 02:09:37,026 It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better. 2741 02:09:38,072 --> 02:09:39,903 I'm so fucking glad. - Yeah. 2742 02:09:40,008 --> 02:09:43,239 I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him. 2743 02:09:44,245 --> 02:09:46,042 I fucking love you. 2744 02:09:54,322 --> 02:09:55,346 Ira! 2745 02:09:57,826 --> 02:09:59,521 Hey! 2746 02:09:59,627 --> 02:10:00,594 What are you doing here? 2747 02:10:02,030 --> 02:10:04,294 I'm going back to Los Angeles. 2748 02:10:05,099 --> 02:10:06,066 LA? 2749 02:10:06,167 --> 02:10:07,395 Yeah. 2750 02:10:07,502 --> 02:10:09,561 You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate. 2751 02:10:09,671 --> 02:10:10,638 What are you doing? 2752 02:10:10,738 --> 02:10:14,037 Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport. 2753 02:10:14,175 --> 02:10:16,905 I thought this was Panda Express. 2754 02:10:17,011 --> 02:10:19,707 Well, it's good to see you guys, though. 2755 02:10:19,814 --> 02:10:22,908 What's going on? Laura? 2756 02:10:23,017 --> 02:10:26,145 What the hell is going on? 2757 02:10:26,254 --> 02:10:27,744 Uh... Ask her. 2758 02:10:28,490 --> 02:10:30,720 I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me 2759 02:10:30,825 --> 02:10:33,851 that I was on my way here to tell you tonight 2760 02:10:33,995 --> 02:10:35,963 to find another place to live when you got back. 2761 02:10:36,064 --> 02:10:37,292 But then... I came here to stop her. 2762 02:10:37,398 --> 02:10:38,422 Shut the fuck up. 2763 02:10:38,533 --> 02:10:41,525 I slept with George once, but it's over. 2764 02:10:41,636 --> 02:10:44,230 It's done. And it was no big deal. 2765 02:10:45,440 --> 02:10:49,001 We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me. 2766 02:10:49,110 --> 02:10:50,577 That's worse. 2767 02:10:50,678 --> 02:10:51,667 Crikey. 2768 02:10:51,779 --> 02:10:54,247 He manipulated me with his disease! 2769 02:10:56,050 --> 02:10:58,644 Where is he? George, where is he? 2770 02:10:58,753 --> 02:11:00,186 He's at your house. 2771 02:11:00,288 --> 02:11:02,916 He's at our house? With our kids? 2772 02:11:03,625 --> 02:11:05,252 Please don't get that look on your face. 2773 02:11:05,360 --> 02:11:06,691 Please don't get that look on your face. 2774 02:11:06,794 --> 02:11:07,818 It was a mistake. I'm going to kill him. 2775 02:11:07,929 --> 02:11:10,022 No, no, no, no, no. 2776 02:11:10,131 --> 02:11:11,598 I'm sorry. 2777 02:11:11,699 --> 02:11:12,688 You're sorry? 2778 02:11:12,834 --> 02:11:14,062 I came here to stop... Who are you? 2779 02:11:14,168 --> 02:11:15,294 I don't know. Who are you? 2780 02:11:15,403 --> 02:11:17,030 What are you doing here? 2781 02:11:17,138 --> 02:11:18,503 I was trying to help you. 2782 02:11:18,606 --> 02:11:20,073 Get the fuck out of my life! 2783 02:11:20,174 --> 02:11:21,835 Okay. 2784 02:11:21,943 --> 02:11:26,642 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 2785 02:11:26,748 --> 02:11:32,709 Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it? 2786 02:11:32,954 --> 02:11:36,856 So stupid! Stupid shit! 2787 02:11:40,461 --> 02:11:43,825 I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses. 2788 02:11:43,932 --> 02:11:47,595 I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell. 2789 02:11:50,805 --> 02:11:52,295 Get the Baby Bjorn. 2790 02:11:52,407 --> 02:11:54,898 We're going to go find that wizard. 2791 02:11:55,009 --> 02:11:57,773 Hey, girls. You look so cute. 2792 02:11:58,846 --> 02:12:00,438 You, outside. 2793 02:12:00,548 --> 02:12:01,515 Is he in trouble? 2794 02:12:01,616 --> 02:12:02,742 Yes. 2795 02:12:09,557 --> 02:12:11,115 What's going to happen? I don't know. 2796 02:12:11,225 --> 02:12:12,556 What do you think I did? 2797 02:12:12,660 --> 02:12:13,649 Oh, shit! 2798 02:12:13,761 --> 02:12:15,592 Your friend sold you out, mate! 2799 02:12:15,697 --> 02:12:16,686 No, no, no, Clarke! 2800 02:12:16,798 --> 02:12:18,493 You think this is a game? Stop it! 2801 02:12:18,600 --> 02:12:19,567 What'd you think you were going to do? 2802 02:12:19,667 --> 02:12:21,498 Come in and just fuck up my family? 2803 02:12:21,603 --> 02:12:23,332 - Stop it! - Is that what you thought? 2804 02:12:23,438 --> 02:12:24,427 Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no! 2805 02:12:24,539 --> 02:12:26,370 I didn't fucking do anything! This sort of shit I kill for! 2806 02:12:26,474 --> 02:12:27,771 Don't kill him! Don't kill him! 2807 02:12:27,875 --> 02:12:29,365 You stupid shit! 2808 02:12:29,477 --> 02:12:30,444 No! 2809 02:12:30,545 --> 02:12:31,534 Fuck, man! 2810 02:12:31,646 --> 02:12:33,273 Come here! Run, George! 2811 02:12:33,381 --> 02:12:35,508 Don't hurt him, you maniac! 2812 02:12:36,684 --> 02:12:37,946 Cut the shit, guys! 2813 02:12:38,052 --> 02:12:39,019 Stop it! 2814 02:12:40,388 --> 02:12:43,551 Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way! 2815 02:12:43,658 --> 02:12:44,989 Get away from me! Take it like a man, George! 2816 02:12:45,093 --> 02:12:46,958 Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole! 2817 02:12:47,061 --> 02:12:49,791 You fucking asshole! Get away! 2818 02:12:51,099 --> 02:12:52,589 Oh, my God. 2819 02:12:52,700 --> 02:12:54,691 She's not happy with you! 2820 02:12:54,802 --> 02:12:57,566 No one who's married is happy, you idiot! 2821 02:12:58,406 --> 02:13:00,738 Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball! 2822 02:13:00,842 --> 02:13:02,469 Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you? 2823 02:13:02,577 --> 02:13:05,546 I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole! 2824 02:13:05,647 --> 02:13:06,614 Should I jump in? 2825 02:13:06,714 --> 02:13:08,409 No! No! Don't jump in! 2826 02:13:08,516 --> 02:13:10,484 Just get away from me, man! You traitor! 2827 02:13:10,585 --> 02:13:12,644 Go get more cigarettes, you liar! 2828 02:13:12,754 --> 02:13:13,982 I accomplished nothing! 2829 02:13:14,088 --> 02:13:15,988 They made up before I got there! 2830 02:13:17,225 --> 02:13:19,193 Where's your helmet now, Yankee? 2831 02:13:19,293 --> 02:13:21,761 Let's talk! Clarke! 2832 02:13:21,863 --> 02:13:23,455 Clarke, no! 2833 02:13:23,564 --> 02:13:25,395 Come on, pussy! 2834 02:13:25,500 --> 02:13:26,467 Help! 2835 02:13:27,535 --> 02:13:28,729 All right! 2836 02:13:28,836 --> 02:13:29,825 Stop! 2837 02:13:29,937 --> 02:13:31,666 I got him! I got him! You don't want this, Schemer. 2838 02:13:31,773 --> 02:13:33,502 You don't want a piece of me, Schemer! 2839 02:13:33,608 --> 02:13:35,269 I am going to love this! 2840 02:13:36,844 --> 02:13:38,209 God! 2841 02:13:38,312 --> 02:13:40,940 You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy! 2842 02:13:41,049 --> 02:13:44,143 What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck! 2843 02:13:44,252 --> 02:13:45,685 You've gone crazy! You're a lightweight... 2844 02:13:45,787 --> 02:13:46,913 Get away from me, man! 2845 02:13:47,021 --> 02:13:49,489 ...named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener! 2846 02:13:49,590 --> 02:13:51,524 You should have died! Well, I isn�t going nowhere! 2847 02:13:51,626 --> 02:13:53,184 I'm never going to die! I hope you die! 2848 02:13:53,294 --> 02:13:55,023 I'm never going to die, baby! - Die! 2849 02:13:55,129 --> 02:13:56,323 Boys, stop it! - I hope you die! I hate you! 2850 02:13:56,431 --> 02:13:57,864 I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you! 2851 02:13:57,965 --> 02:13:59,933 You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him! 2852 02:14:00,034 --> 02:14:01,331 Lackey! Lackey! 2853 02:14:01,436 --> 02:14:02,425 Wait! 2854 02:14:02,537 --> 02:14:04,505 Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude! 2855 02:14:04,605 --> 02:14:05,833 Are you okay, George? 2856 02:14:05,940 --> 02:14:07,737 Where's your stunt man now, hey? 2857 02:14:07,842 --> 02:14:08,809 Stop it! 2858 02:14:08,910 --> 02:14:11,344 Will you stop hitting me? 2859 02:14:12,480 --> 02:14:15,040 I'm better now, but it can come back! 2860 02:14:16,751 --> 02:14:19,185 Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me. 2861 02:14:19,721 --> 02:14:23,157 Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him! 2862 02:14:23,391 --> 02:14:24,517 Yeah, when she told you that, 2863 02:14:24,625 --> 02:14:26,752 did she think you were dying, huh? 2864 02:14:27,495 --> 02:14:30,020 Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him? 2865 02:14:33,067 --> 02:14:34,398 Him. 2866 02:14:34,502 --> 02:14:38,836 What? Come on! Are you serious? 2867 02:14:39,807 --> 02:14:42,867 He's my husband. We have a family. 2868 02:14:43,778 --> 02:14:45,245 I love him. 2869 02:14:45,713 --> 02:14:48,978 And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats. 2870 02:14:49,584 --> 02:14:51,142 What's the matter with you? 2871 02:14:51,853 --> 02:14:54,219 I didn't want to lie. I don't know. 2872 02:14:54,322 --> 02:14:56,654 I've seen it on Broadway before. 2873 02:14:57,992 --> 02:14:59,960 It wasn't as good as it. 2874 02:15:01,596 --> 02:15:03,826 What are you guys doing on the lawn? 2875 02:15:03,931 --> 02:15:05,489 I'm hungry! 2876 02:15:06,234 --> 02:15:09,294 Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around. 2877 02:15:09,403 --> 02:15:11,428 Come on. Go back inside. 2878 02:15:17,779 --> 02:15:21,840 Sorry, George. I'll always love you. 2879 02:15:22,884 --> 02:15:25,079 But what are we going to do? 2880 02:15:25,186 --> 02:15:26,653 I love you. 2881 02:15:27,555 --> 02:15:29,887 I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come. 2882 02:15:31,058 --> 02:15:32,685 No, I'm glad you did. 2883 02:15:33,928 --> 02:15:35,623 Maybe when we're 70? 2884 02:15:37,965 --> 02:15:40,092 I hope you find a way to be happy. 2885 02:15:40,635 --> 02:15:43,570 Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go. 2886 02:15:44,272 --> 02:15:45,637 Clarke. 2887 02:15:45,740 --> 02:15:49,506 You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened. 2888 02:15:49,610 --> 02:15:51,805 In the East, they call this karma. 2889 02:15:51,913 --> 02:15:56,077 And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehaviour. 2890 02:15:56,184 --> 02:15:58,277 That's why all this shit has happened. 2891 02:15:58,920 --> 02:16:00,581 This had to happen. 2892 02:16:01,355 --> 02:16:03,619 But some good shit's going to come from this. 2893 02:16:04,091 --> 02:16:06,559 We have to learn from this, you know, all of us. 2894 02:16:06,661 --> 02:16:08,595 There's a good lesson here. 2895 02:16:10,031 --> 02:16:12,591 Underneath anger is hurt, 2896 02:16:13,668 --> 02:16:17,001 but underneath hurt is love. 2897 02:16:17,738 --> 02:16:19,137 You feel it? 2898 02:16:22,343 --> 02:16:23,571 Okay? 2899 02:16:23,678 --> 02:16:24,702 Yeah. Thank you. 2900 02:16:24,812 --> 02:16:25,801 I'm sorry about this. 2901 02:16:25,913 --> 02:16:28,848 Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. 2902 02:16:44,866 --> 02:16:45,890 Do you want me to drive? 2903 02:16:47,101 --> 02:16:50,229 No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself. 2904 02:16:51,239 --> 02:16:55,471 In fact, you're never going to have to drive me again because you're fired, Ira. 2905 02:16:55,877 --> 02:16:58,107 You're the only person that I've ever heard of 2906 02:16:58,212 --> 02:17:00,305 that learned nothing from a near-death experience, George. 2907 02:17:00,414 --> 02:17:02,006 You went backwards. You're worse. 2908 02:17:02,116 --> 02:17:04,311 You know what I am? A good friend. 2909 02:17:04,418 --> 02:17:07,876 I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out. 2910 02:17:07,989 --> 02:17:11,652 I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man. 2911 02:17:11,759 --> 02:17:14,091 A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says, 2912 02:17:14,195 --> 02:17:16,322 "Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it." 2913 02:17:16,430 --> 02:17:19,422 He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl. 2914 02:17:19,533 --> 02:17:20,557 Well... - Wow. 2915 02:17:20,668 --> 02:17:22,727 Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you anymore, 2916 02:17:22,837 --> 02:17:24,964 'cause you are fucking contagious! 2917 02:17:25,072 --> 02:17:27,302 You think I can't get another assistant? 2918 02:17:27,408 --> 02:17:29,968 I can't get someone else to write jokes for me? 2919 02:17:30,077 --> 02:17:33,911 You think I'm going to lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schemer"? 2920 02:17:34,482 --> 02:17:37,451 You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty. 2921 02:17:37,551 --> 02:17:40,247 Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain. 2922 02:17:40,354 --> 02:17:41,878 You think getting Laura would have made you happy? 2923 02:17:41,989 --> 02:17:43,820 I know so. You think if you had a family right now, 2924 02:17:43,925 --> 02:17:45,187 you would be happy? 2925 02:17:45,293 --> 02:17:48,490 You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always going to be stuck with yourself! 2926 02:17:48,596 --> 02:17:51,656 Unless somehow you can get away from you, 2927 02:17:51,766 --> 02:17:54,200 you're always going to be miserable, George. 2928 02:17:54,302 --> 02:17:56,327 You are not funny. 2929 02:17:56,437 --> 02:17:58,530 Well, if that means I'm less like you, 2930 02:17:58,639 --> 02:18:00,937 then good, I don't want to be funny, okay? 2931 02:18:01,509 --> 02:18:03,477 Mission accomplished, Ira. 2932 02:18:04,979 --> 02:18:06,537 Bad career choice. 2933 02:18:07,214 --> 02:18:10,308 Comedy usually is for funny people. 2934 02:18:10,418 --> 02:18:11,646 Gotcha. 2935 02:19:11,112 --> 02:19:13,603 Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets 2936 02:19:13,714 --> 02:19:14,703 that you don't really need. 2937 02:19:14,815 --> 02:19:17,511 Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine. 2938 02:19:17,785 --> 02:19:20,686 She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organized. 2939 02:19:20,788 --> 02:19:22,380 Hello, Mary. - Hi, Huda. 2940 02:19:22,490 --> 02:19:25,618 Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons. 2941 02:19:29,230 --> 02:19:30,822 Good morning. Hi. 2942 02:19:32,900 --> 02:19:35,164 I think I'm going to forgive him today. 2943 02:19:35,269 --> 02:19:36,600 What? Really? - Yeah. 2944 02:19:36,704 --> 02:19:38,865 Great! That's great news! 2945 02:19:38,973 --> 02:19:41,533 He's just going to be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach! You know? 2946 02:19:41,642 --> 02:19:43,576 I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do. 2947 02:19:43,677 --> 02:19:46,612 Well, maybe we could find something for him. 2948 02:19:47,114 --> 02:19:51,175 You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it. 2949 02:19:51,285 --> 02:19:52,479 You know? - Right. 2950 02:19:52,586 --> 02:19:54,577 I don't want to be on Yo Teach! 2951 02:19:55,790 --> 02:19:57,382 It's okay. I forgave you, you know? 2952 02:19:57,491 --> 02:19:58,583 Thank you. 2953 02:19:59,760 --> 02:20:03,560 So, how'd everything go up there this weekend? 2954 02:20:04,265 --> 02:20:09,293 I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face. 2955 02:20:11,272 --> 02:20:12,864 You want to talk about it? 2956 02:20:12,973 --> 02:20:13,940 No. 2957 02:20:15,443 --> 02:20:18,810 I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever. 2958 02:20:20,548 --> 02:20:22,880 Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it. 2959 02:20:23,951 --> 02:20:26,545 Well, we're glad you're back. 2960 02:20:26,654 --> 02:20:27,951 Glad you're home. 2961 02:20:28,055 --> 02:20:30,580 I can't believe I have to start all over again. 2962 02:20:31,759 --> 02:20:34,353 Hey, man, how you doing? 2963 02:20:34,695 --> 02:20:35,923 Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick. 2964 02:20:36,030 --> 02:20:37,827 You feeling better now? - Over here! 2965 02:20:37,932 --> 02:20:40,423 George, second lease on life. What are you going to do now? 2966 02:20:40,534 --> 02:20:41,592 Hey, guys, come on. Come on, I heard rumours 2967 02:20:41,702 --> 02:20:43,067 about another baby movie. What do you got, huh? 2968 02:20:43,170 --> 02:20:45,161 Yeah, yeah, we're going to shoot that. That should be good. 2969 02:20:45,272 --> 02:20:47,206 Gonne start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though. 2970 02:20:59,587 --> 02:21:01,214 It's nice up here, huh? 2971 02:21:01,322 --> 02:21:03,415 Yeah. How'd you find it? 2972 02:21:04,625 --> 02:21:07,423 Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought, 2973 02:21:07,528 --> 02:21:08,654 "You know, that'd be a great place to take 2974 02:21:08,762 --> 02:21:11,253 "a woman if you... If you knew one." 2975 02:21:12,466 --> 02:21:13,524 Well, now you know one. 2976 02:21:13,634 --> 02:21:14,658 Good. 2977 02:21:30,251 --> 02:21:31,275 Hey, I'm going to give him the light. 2978 02:21:31,385 --> 02:21:32,352 Thanks, Mark. 2979 02:21:34,255 --> 02:21:35,916 Bailey, you're number two. 2980 02:21:42,830 --> 02:21:44,661 Hey, Ira. How you doing? 2981 02:21:44,765 --> 02:21:45,732 Good. How you doing? 2982 02:21:45,833 --> 02:21:46,891 Was sup, big money? 2983 02:21:47,001 --> 02:21:48,127 You guys know each other? 2984 02:21:48,235 --> 02:21:50,669 Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian. 2985 02:21:51,238 --> 02:21:52,899 Randy, what's happening? 2986 02:21:53,007 --> 02:21:56,170 I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little Panini. 2987 02:21:57,111 --> 02:21:59,636 Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice. 2988 02:22:00,080 --> 02:22:02,241 Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again. 2989 02:22:03,217 --> 02:22:04,616 So, you're going up? 2990 02:22:04,952 --> 02:22:07,546 Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys. 2991 02:22:09,290 --> 02:22:10,416 Later! 2992 02:22:12,226 --> 02:22:14,490 Thank you. Thank you. 2993 02:22:14,595 --> 02:22:18,053 My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me. 2994 02:22:18,165 --> 02:22:19,962 You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see... 2995 02:22:20,067 --> 02:22:21,967 A hot girl will come on and they'll just be, 2996 02:22:22,069 --> 02:22:25,527 " Man, I want to fuck the shit out of that girl, man! 2997 02:22:25,639 --> 02:22:27,334 " I'm going to fuck that girl!" 2998 02:22:27,441 --> 02:22:28,601 And I, like, can't even say that. 2999 02:22:28,709 --> 02:22:30,199 I can't even pretend I would do that. 3000 02:22:30,311 --> 02:22:31,676 I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like, 3001 02:22:31,779 --> 02:22:35,112 " Man, I would friend the shit out of her! 3002 02:22:36,317 --> 02:22:41,118 " I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend! 3003 02:22:41,622 --> 02:22:44,591 " I would drive her to the airport, man! 3004 02:22:45,926 --> 02:22:49,862 " I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!" 3005 02:22:56,804 --> 02:22:58,101 Thank you. 3006 02:22:59,106 --> 02:23:02,598 Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please. 3007 02:23:04,845 --> 02:23:06,938 Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay? 3008 02:23:07,047 --> 02:23:08,480 Okay, thanks. 3009 02:23:09,483 --> 02:23:11,280 The last time I came here, 3010 02:23:11,385 --> 02:23:14,980 the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it 3011 02:23:15,089 --> 02:23:19,788 and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked. 3012 02:23:23,364 --> 02:23:24,956 How's it going, George? 3013 02:23:26,333 --> 02:23:29,825 You get a break or anything where you can talk? 3014 02:23:29,937 --> 02:23:33,532 Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man? 3015 02:23:35,409 --> 02:23:36,774 Shit. 3016 02:23:49,123 --> 02:23:51,614 So, you had to get your job back here, huh? 3017 02:23:53,260 --> 02:23:57,321 Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability. 3018 02:23:57,865 --> 02:23:59,628 Oh, I'm sorry. 3019 02:23:59,900 --> 02:24:03,233 I get health insurance. It's pretty good. 3020 02:24:03,904 --> 02:24:10,173 So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me. 3021 02:24:11,145 --> 02:24:14,842 A few of those things might have been accurate. 3022 02:24:15,749 --> 02:24:19,583 You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff. 3023 02:24:20,220 --> 02:24:22,984 I'm better in my body. 3024 02:24:23,090 --> 02:24:26,821 My brain has a ways to go, though. 3025 02:24:29,029 --> 02:24:31,623 How are you doing, though? You're doing okay? 3026 02:24:35,502 --> 02:24:36,969 I don't know, Ira. 3027 02:24:41,508 --> 02:24:42,475 I... 3028 02:24:43,110 --> 02:24:46,477 I caught your whole set the other night, Ira. Nice. 3029 02:24:47,147 --> 02:24:48,808 Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm. 3030 02:24:48,916 --> 02:24:53,012 You're starting to be the Ira I like in real life onstage. 3031 02:24:53,120 --> 02:24:55,816 Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well. 3032 02:24:55,923 --> 02:24:59,017 Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set. 3033 02:24:59,393 --> 02:25:03,295 I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes. 3034 02:25:03,397 --> 02:25:05,160 You want to hear it? 3035 02:25:05,265 --> 02:25:06,960 You what? 3036 02:25:07,067 --> 02:25:10,332 I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre. 3037 02:25:11,038 --> 02:25:14,030 I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try. 3038 02:25:16,043 --> 02:25:17,442 You actually wrote them down! 3039 02:25:17,544 --> 02:25:20,138 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible. 3040 02:25:20,848 --> 02:25:24,784 That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that? 3041 02:25:24,918 --> 02:25:26,852 Oh, like, "My video game..." - Yeah. 3042 02:25:26,954 --> 02:25:28,717 "My video game told me I'm fat?" 3043 02:25:28,822 --> 02:25:30,619 Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah. 3044 02:25:30,724 --> 02:25:35,320 Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy." 3045 02:25:35,496 --> 02:25:36,656 Oh, that's really funny. 3046 02:25:36,764 --> 02:25:38,732 "And the Wii is similar to my grandmother. 3047 02:25:38,832 --> 02:25:40,629 "She used to tell me I'm getting chubby 3048 02:25:40,734 --> 02:25:43,760 "and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"' 3049 02:25:45,038 --> 02:25:46,198 That's really funny! 3050 02:25:46,306 --> 02:25:49,434 It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother. 3051 02:25:49,543 --> 02:25:50,567 All right. "Why are you so fat? 3052 02:25:50,677 --> 02:25:52,440 "Here's four gallons of chocolate milk." 3053 02:25:52,546 --> 02:25:54,013 That's good! She would always do that. 3054 02:25:54,114 --> 02:25:55,979 That's good. I got one I've been afraid to tell, 3055 02:25:56,083 --> 02:25:59,883 kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra 3056 02:25:59,987 --> 02:26:02,922 "and he thought he was tattle-fucking my grandmother..." 3057 02:26:03,023 --> 02:26:04,513 Yeah? - "But then he realized he was tattle-fucking 3058 02:26:04,625 --> 02:26:05,592 "his own balls." 3059 02:26:07,594 --> 02:26:08,891 That's funny! You got to do that! 3060 02:26:08,996 --> 02:26:10,258 That's pretty funny, huh? 3061 02:26:10,364 --> 02:26:13,026 You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old 3062 02:26:13,133 --> 02:26:15,567 and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know? 3063 02:26:15,669 --> 02:26:16,829 That's funny! That's really... 3064 02:26:16,937 --> 02:26:18,461 You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt. 3065 02:26:18,572 --> 02:26:20,437 You get water on your knee. 3066 02:26:20,541 --> 02:26:22,304 "I can't even hold myself up in..." - Exactly. 3067 02:26:22,409 --> 02:26:24,274 "What would an old man do?" - Yeah... 3068 02:28:36,743 --> 02:28:38,370 Let's do another bad one then 3069 02:28:38,478 --> 02:28:42,073 'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face. 3070 02:30:39,766 --> 02:30:40,733 Okay. 3071 02:31:08,695 --> 02:31:15,066 Burnt-out ends of smoky days 3072 02:31:15,168 --> 02:31:20,936 The stale cold smell of morning 3073 02:31:22,476 --> 02:31:28,779 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 3074 02:31:29,449 --> 02:31:35,081 Another day is dawning 3075 02:31:36,857 --> 02:31:42,227 Touch me It's so easy to leave me 3076 02:31:42,796 --> 02:31:49,292 All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun 3077 02:31:50,670 --> 02:31:57,007 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 3078 02:31:58,211 --> 02:32:02,671 Look, a new day 3079 02:32:02,783 --> 02:32:07,482 has begun