1 00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,438 Terrific. 2 00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:42,881 What's up, numb-nuts? 3 00:00:42,942 --> 00:00:44,285 Read 'em and weep. 4 00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:46,051 Van Halen at the Centrum. 5 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:47,216 Third row! 6 00:00:47,847 --> 00:00:49,121 You should take Jolene, man. 7 00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:50,957 I heard she got big nipples. 8 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,724 This is Van freakin' Halen, man. 9 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,288 Get serious. 10 00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:57,096 Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore. 11 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,769 Dude, I'm into guys, too! 12 00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:01,098 No, no, no, no, no. 13 00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:02,401 That's not what I meant. 14 00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:05,603 I'm into women. 15 00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:34,196 Hey, Mary. 16 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,432 I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend. 17 00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:38,635 What time should I pick you up? 18 00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:41,504 It is Miss McGarricle, Donny. 19 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:45,038 And that's cute, but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend. 20 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,608 Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends? 21 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,244 Let's just start with a summer fling, 22 00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:50,447 couple of hand jobs, 23 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:52,280 no expectations. 24 00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:54,322 Don't get all psycho on me right away. 25 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,993 That is a month's detention. 26 00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:01,257 What's a hand job? 27 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,858 I don't know, but I think I want one. 28 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,772 Can I go to the bathroom? 29 00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:11,741 No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger. 30 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,706 All right, I'm sorry for what I did. 31 00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:15,245 I promise I won't do it again. 32 00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:18,011 You're in a lot of trouble, Donny. 33 00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:21,479 Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you? 34 00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,779 He'll kick my ass. He's crazy. 35 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,050 What were you trying to do, anyway? 36 00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,318 Impress your friends? 37 00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,919 Well, you know, you're... 38 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,828 You have a little crush on me? 39 00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:35,259 No. 40 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:38,598 "No. " So, you... 41 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,498 You don't want me. 42 00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:44,373 No. Yeah. 43 00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:47,001 I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. 44 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,205 Is that gum in your mouth, Donny? 45 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:02,225 You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny. 46 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:04,455 When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield 47 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:09,193 and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts 48 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:12,793 and sweating like ajar of pickles in the hot sun... 49 00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,662 Oh, God. 50 00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:16,331 That was so hot. 51 00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:21,443 Is this really happening? 52 00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,674 This is happening. 53 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,977 It's happening right now. 54 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,518 In my office. 55 00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:29,548 Okay. Awesome. 56 00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,816 So, I'm totally in. 57 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,516 How do you want to do it? 58 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:36,686 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways. 59 00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:39,161 So you want to go straight to hand jobs 60 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,291 or eating me out or taking me from behind? 61 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:43,663 I'll teach you. 62 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,532 I'm a virgin. 63 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:51,004 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 64 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,839 Oh, my God. 65 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:57,143 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 66 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,198 Who? Me? 67 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,255 Hey, Donny, what'd you get? 68 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,956 And if I'm elected eighth grade class president, 69 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,054 I promise to... 70 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,327 You're getting so good at this! 71 00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:57,933 I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and... 72 00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:00,739 All of our practice is really paying off! 73 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,403 I like the sound of that. 74 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,319 Timmy, stop. Hold on a second. 75 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,903 My dad's gonna kick my ass. 76 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:45,215 Calm down! 77 00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,569 Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 78 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:01,798 Who's the man? 79 00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:05,501 Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 80 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,806 Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man? 81 00:06:13,172 --> 00:06:14,981 All right, everybody! 82 00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:17,315 Enough! 83 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,414 I am aware that a lot of people think 84 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:20,853 that this young man 85 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:23,823 is not really a victim, but someone that's living 86 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,796 the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy. 87 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,160 Absolutely. 88 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:32,064 But this is a serious crime. 89 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,799 Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing. 90 00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:40,636 The fact that this relationship 91 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:44,170 has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse, 92 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:46,677 saying, and I quote, 93 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:50,687 I would fuck that kid again and again. 94 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:56,091 "He makes me feel like there's a rainbow coming out of my beaver. " 95 00:06:57,617 --> 00:06:59,392 ...leaves me absolutely no choice 96 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,762 but to levy the maximum penalty. 97 00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:06,328 Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary. 98 00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:11,066 And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child 99 00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,575 to Donald Berger's father... 100 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,242 Dumb-ass. 101 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,405 ...until Donald turns 18, 102 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,416 at which time he will assume full custody. 103 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,983 Take care of our baby, Donny! 104 00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:23,246 Miss McGarricle! 105 00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:25,255 I'll never stop loving you! 106 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,750 That is just fucking mental. 107 00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,280 The kid is young, he's attractive, 108 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,328 he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy. 109 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:16,935 Made you flinch, pansy. 110 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:18,700 Go ahead! I don't need you! 111 00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:20,675 I'm Donny freakin' Berger! 112 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,913 I'm wicked famous and I got a wicked big schlong! 113 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:27,074 Hey, here's something. Donny Berger's back in the news. 114 00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:28,277 That kid who got his teacher pregnant? 115 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,649 - Exactly. - I love that guy. 116 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,450 Seems like he bought a round last night. 117 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,512 Okay- 118 00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:34,114 For everybody in Boston Garden. 119 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,285 Oh, my God, he's my hero. 120 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:40,491 That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it. 121 00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,779 So, guy, how'd we do? 122 00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:02,012 What them fuckers at the IRS say? 123 00:09:02,074 --> 00:09:03,417 Well, they said a lot of stuff. 124 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,887 The thing that really jumped out 125 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:08,323 - was "three years in prison. " - Three years? 126 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,793 Yeah, you haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny. 127 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,729 What... I thought they were taking it out automatically! 128 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,390 I told them that's what you thought, 129 00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,365 and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard. 130 00:09:17,456 --> 00:09:18,992 But there is some good news. 131 00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,628 If you can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend, 132 00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:22,934 they'll suspend the sentence. 133 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,507 Oh, okay, there you go. 134 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,975 What are we talking about? Hit me. 135 00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:27,236 Forty-three thousand. 136 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,506 Forty-three grand? 137 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,740 No! 138 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,847 Come on, Donny! 139 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,578 Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster. 140 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,085 It's my favorite one. 141 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,780 Look at that jaw line. 142 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:40,346 Just the right amount of scruff. 143 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,620 I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here! 144 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,252 I don't got 43 grand! 145 00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,125 Well, look, hey, good news. 146 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:47,789 Monday's Memorial Day, 147 00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:49,730 so you don't need to get the money till Tuesday. 148 00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:53,134 All right. That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini! 149 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,937 Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man! 150 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,975 Don't mess with the genius. 151 00:09:58,030 --> 00:10:00,909 Jimmy, I got $28 to my name. 152 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,378 Twenty-eight, huh? Okay. 153 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,109 I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in. 154 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,614 - What is it, a horse? - No. 155 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,743 This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy. 156 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,221 Fat guy? 157 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:15,816 Gonna run the marathon. Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1. 158 00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,918 But this cat's got wheels on him. 159 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:19,930 I think he's gonna win, I really do. 160 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:23,456 All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck, but I can't count on that. 161 00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:25,593 It's a long shot, you said it yourself. 162 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:26,830 But what about your kid? 163 00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:28,200 Maybe he can come up with the dough. 164 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,936 We don't talk no more. 165 00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,976 He kind of moved out when he turned 18, 166 00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:33,977 and that's the last I seen of him. 167 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,842 - What happened? - I don't know. 168 00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:40,314 I loved that little Han Solo more than anything in the world, too. 169 00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:44,082 - You named your kid Han Solo? - Yes, sir. 170 00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:45,621 Han Solo Berger? 171 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,157 Coolest name in the world, right? 172 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,692 Why don't you just Facebook him? 173 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:51,251 I can't afford that shit. What am I, a billionaire? 174 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,423 I don't think he wants to be found, anyways. 175 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,489 Especially by me. 176 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:11,505 Hey, look! It's us! 177 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,811 - On the cover! - Don't we look great? 178 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:15,113 Yeah, well, you look good. 179 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,710 I kind of look like a ventriloquist. 180 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,620 I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right? 181 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,626 I mean, it's got our faces and our names. 182 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,559 It just seems like anyone could find us. 183 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:28,155 "Find us"? Honey, did you take your Xanax today? 184 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,290 Yeah, two. 185 00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,766 I always double down when your parents are in town. 186 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,029 Do you have your security undies? 187 00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,504 - Yep, right here. - Good. 188 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,972 I know that makes you feel better. 189 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,031 There's stranger things than walking around 190 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:41,544 with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies. 191 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,548 Look, just this once, don't be so weird. 192 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,379 We're gonna have the best wedding ever. 193 00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:48,577 Okay. 194 00:11:56,916 --> 00:12:00,796 Holy shit. What the hell happened to my life, Champale? 195 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:04,265 Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh? 196 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:07,132 No. The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger, 197 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:08,900 and no one wants to pay for that anymore. 198 00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:10,599 Aw, Donny. 199 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,541 Wow! 200 00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:14,339 My face is your toilet! 201 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,006 Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny. 202 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,412 Hey, whoa. 203 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:22,047 Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast after you finish your dance? 204 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:23,484 Give it to me now, honey. 205 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,613 Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny? 206 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,023 Holy cow, that's my son! 207 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,381 Who, Han Solo? 208 00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:31,690 I thought you said he was a fatty. 209 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,163 No, no, no. He must have lost the weight or something, 210 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,097 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy. 211 00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,927 It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday 212 00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,993 "at All Saints Church on Cape Cod. " 213 00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:42,733 Todd Peterson? 214 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,069 He changed his name! 215 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,200 Why? 216 00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:48,777 What was wrong with Han Solo Berger? 217 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,939 It's the coolest fucking name of all time. 218 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,380 "Peterson is one of the youngest 219 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,112 "large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry. " 220 00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:57,051 He got rich on us, huh? 221 00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:03,217 "All the more impressive considering he was orphaned 222 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,786 "at age nine, when both his parents died in a horrific explosion. " 223 00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:09,962 He fucking blew me up and his mother? 224 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:12,229 Donny, maybe your son could help you, financially. 225 00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:14,804 I don't know. This kid changed his name. 226 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,931 He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore. 227 00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:18,532 He's not gonna want to talk to me. 228 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,775 That was the incomparable Champale. 229 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:25,276 And now, looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, 230 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,078 let's welcome Amber. 231 00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:29,450 What the fuck happened to her? 232 00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,488 Fuck you, Kenny! 233 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,524 Hey, what's up, Robe-Cop? 234 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,490 This is where your boss lives? 235 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,792 It's actually just his summer home. 236 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:43,493 - Summer home. What a dick. - Dad! 237 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,562 Oh, my goodness. 238 00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:48,867 Todd, it's just breathtaking! 239 00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,872 Hey! There he is. 240 00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,238 Hey, Mr. Spirou. 241 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,277 There's my golden boy. 242 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,676 Come over here, champ. 243 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,304 Come on, get over here. 244 00:13:57,369 --> 00:13:58,507 Hi. Yeah. 245 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,107 Look at you. 246 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,383 Look at you, the lovely bride. 247 00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,386 What a couple! 248 00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:08,084 Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that you're letting us all stay here. 249 00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:09,319 Seriously, thank you so much. 250 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,292 Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen. 251 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:12,727 - It's a pleasure. - Hi. 252 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,059 Your daughter's a sweetheart. 253 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,664 You can tell she likes Todd for Todd, 254 00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:18,793 not because he's gonna be rich. 255 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,963 I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger 256 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,937 like the last three whores I married, huh? 257 00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:28,104 True story. All three? Whores. 258 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,077 Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa. 259 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,414 You know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country, 260 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:38,284 so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em. 261 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,258 Go get the fucking bags! 262 00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:45,688 Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always said that if the finance game 263 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,992 was an amusement park, your son would be a roller coaster, 264 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,694 and I would just ride him all day long. 265 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,832 That came out weird. 266 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,429 Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think 267 00:14:55,494 --> 00:14:57,701 that he's the star of the family. 268 00:14:57,763 --> 00:15:01,404 But before he was born, I modeled a bathing suit 269 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,107 for a Woolworth advertisement. 270 00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:07,776 Well, you still have quite a figure on you there, Delores. 271 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,411 Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod. 272 00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,612 Why, thank you. 273 00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:16,049 Chad's here! 274 00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:17,389 - Oh, my God. - Hooray. 275 00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:18,484 Fantastic. 276 00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:21,190 I guess they didn't want to see it. 277 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,426 Yay, Chad! 278 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,230 - Come here. - Mom. 279 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,770 - Sweetheart. - I'm home. 280 00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:28,236 Dad, how are you, sir? 281 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,773 - You look great. - Thank you, sir. 282 00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:30,966 Hey, Chad, I'm Todd. 283 00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:32,441 Oh, my God. 284 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,671 Oh, God, I missed you, sis. 285 00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:36,144 That's a good hug. 286 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,481 Chad, this is my fiancé, Todd. 287 00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:41,709 Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick. 288 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:42,979 Are you a soldier? 289 00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:44,646 No. 290 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,383 - Sailor? - No. 291 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,482 - Airman? - No. 292 00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:49,651 Girl Scout? 293 00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:51,216 No. 294 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,890 Well, then I'd prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead 295 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,764 and you shake my hand like the civilian you are. 296 00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,963 Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid. I don't know why I did that. 297 00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,131 Honest mistake. Come here, I want to show you this. 298 00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:06,335 Look, if you ever do anything 299 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:10,572 to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, 300 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,015 stick it straight up your fuppin' poop chute, and empty the clip. 301 00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:15,313 Do you feel me? 302 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:19,015 Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg. 303 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,258 Randy Jackson, right? 304 00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,253 I've got 10 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now. 305 00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,058 Don't. 306 00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,058 Don't. 307 00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:35,833 Hi, sweetheart, how are you? 308 00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,931 Can I see Randall Morgan possibly? 309 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,601 Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment. 310 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,268 I knew you were gonna say that. 311 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,077 But you know what? Tell him Donny Berger's out here. 312 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:45,945 He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend. 313 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,781 You know what? Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now. I'm sorry. 314 00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:50,648 - He's on vacation? That son of a... - Oh, hey! 315 00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:51,847 Vanilla Ice. 316 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,686 Randall's just getting makeup. Go ahead to the green room. 317 00:16:57,149 --> 00:16:59,129 Vanilla, what's up, guy? 318 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,861 It's been a long time. How you been? 319 00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:06,397 Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment still? 320 00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:07,698 You know that hurts me. 321 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,103 Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you. 322 00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,196 How's it feel, chump? 323 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:11,865 It's breaking my heart. 324 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,171 We were friends for 20 years, guy. 325 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:16,008 We were friends until you banged my mother! 326 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,048 I didn't know it was her, I swear to God! 327 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,014 It's not like her last name is Ice. 328 00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,510 You should've known by the haircut! 329 00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:24,349 Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte. 330 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,753 - Will you just... - What? 331 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,585 I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy. 332 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:29,683 This, like, monetary thing. 333 00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:33,594 I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so... 334 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:34,892 What, do you think I got that kind of money? 335 00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:36,398 Of course you got that kind of money. 336 00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:39,061 Royalties from Ice Ice Baby, you must be fucking loaded! 337 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,536 Man, listen, Queen took 50%. 338 00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:43,231 Suge took the other 60%. 339 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:45,070 I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man! 340 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:48,270 Dude, come on, will you please stop, collaborate and listen? 341 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,040 - Oh, here... - What? No, I love that song. 342 00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:51,206 You know that shit. 343 00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:52,772 I was on top of that, fucking day one. 344 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,382 Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now. 345 00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:57,284 I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man. 346 00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:59,253 I'll get you a deal on a barbecue sauce packet. 347 00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,585 Fucking A, buddy. 348 00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:03,354 Both of us. This sucks. 349 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,417 Broke. Who'd have thought this would happen to us? 350 00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:09,892 Maybe I should call your mother. She'll give me the money, I know that. 351 00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:12,128 - What? - What? What? What? 352 00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:15,933 Hey, dude. 353 00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:18,235 Didn't spill my beer, fucker. 354 00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:19,435 Fuck you. 355 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,068 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 356 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:24,108 Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint 357 00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:26,240 unless I got cameras rolling. 358 00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:28,813 Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did, 359 00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:31,718 let alone something that happened 25 years ago. 360 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,381 I'm telling you, when I walk down the street, 361 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,924 people are like, "There's that guy!" 362 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:36,516 I'm still fucking big, dude. 363 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:40,394 All right, how about this? I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks. 364 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,830 Maybe I slip you in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right? 365 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,334 - Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine. - Yeah. 366 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,233 That would be huge, dude. How much money? 367 00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:50,534 Maybe 400 bucks. 368 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:51,904 Four hundred bucks? 369 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,434 Dude, I need 43 G-birds. What are we talking about right now? 370 00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:57,572 You need $43,000? 371 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,081 Are you back on drugs? 372 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,378 - Yeah. - It's never... 373 00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,180 This is never going to happen. Never. 374 00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:03,686 Little bit more blush if you can. 375 00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:06,814 Just like you did that John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show. 376 00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:13,923 That's actually a good idea, a reunion. 377 00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:18,996 Me and Miss McGarricle, together again, live from a women's prison. 378 00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:24,407 A women's prison. 379 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,435 Very sexy. 380 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,673 We could shoot it this weekend. You could give me the money. 381 00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:32,608 Very sexy. 382 00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:35,049 You know, you could eat that ass after I leave the room, 383 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,018 but I need an answer right now. What do you think? 384 00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:38,247 What about your kid? 385 00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:41,017 My kid? What about my kid? 386 00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:43,081 He's got to be a walking Gong Show. 387 00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,355 No. What are you talking about? He's doing great. 388 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,124 He's, like, a hot shit now. He's getting married 389 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,132 - down at the Cape this weekend. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. 390 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,725 "Horny teacher baby makes good. " 391 00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,862 Smell that? Smell it, Donny? 392 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,535 What? That's not me. She probably cut the cheese. 393 00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:00,372 No, no, no. No, ratings. 394 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:02,103 I smell ratings. 395 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:06,405 My kid is very publicity-shy, so I... You know, to be honest, 396 00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:08,075 I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this. 397 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,584 All right, here's the deal. 398 00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:11,314 You get yourself and your actual kid 399 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,118 up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it, 400 00:20:14,179 --> 00:20:16,056 I will give you 50 grand in cash. 401 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:19,123 'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, you want to be visiting a prison, 402 00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:20,857 not living in one. 403 00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:27,163 So, Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway? 404 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,297 Oh, it's actually hedge funds. 405 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:31,034 You think you're better than me? 406 00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:32,833 No. 407 00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:36,374 Chad, did you know that Todd is really great with numbers? 408 00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:37,778 - You got to see this. - Jamie, no. Don't make... 409 00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:39,611 What's 452 times 77? 410 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:43,047 84,304. 411 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,486 Oh, he could just be making that up. 412 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:46,647 No, he's not! 413 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:50,453 There's a calculator on my cell phone. 414 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:51,516 Okay. 415 00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:55,195 What is 94 416 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,531 times 312, Todd? 417 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,005 29,328, Helen. 418 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:04,768 Freaky. 419 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,310 I don't know. It's just something I can do. 420 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:09,345 Are you sure you're not a Chinaman? 421 00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:10,971 Oh, that's inappropriate. 422 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:12,174 White whore. 423 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,484 I'll get it. 424 00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:22,958 Oh, my God. You must be Jamie. 425 00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:25,918 You're, like, even hotter than you looked in the paper. 426 00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:29,427 Look at your hair, blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen 427 00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:31,490 when she was fucking dry-humping that car. 428 00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:33,194 Okay. 429 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,431 And you must be... 430 00:21:35,727 --> 00:21:37,001 Donny. 431 00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:40,601 What's the matter? Chubby never even mentioned me? 432 00:21:40,732 --> 00:21:41,733 Chubby? 433 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:44,176 Oh, I mean Todd Peterson. 434 00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:46,105 Why do you say it like that? 435 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,012 It just comes out that way. 436 00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:49,381 Where are my manners, right? 437 00:21:49,441 --> 00:21:51,421 Could you hold that? Take a chug if you'd like. 438 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,748 I got you a fucking great gift. 439 00:21:55,213 --> 00:21:56,351 Here it is. 440 00:21:56,581 --> 00:21:57,958 I'll take the brew back. 441 00:21:58,016 --> 00:21:59,654 Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking... 442 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,056 Yeah! 443 00:22:05,290 --> 00:22:06,928 I don't know where they come up with this shit, 444 00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,596 but it's pretty fucking funny. 445 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,435 Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me. 446 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:12,133 I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say, 447 00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:13,801 "Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs. " 448 00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:16,470 Hey, I also made you a mix tape. 449 00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:18,310 Who the fuck is rich in this house? 450 00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:19,405 Jeezum, it's huge. 451 00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:23,251 Todd, your old man is here? 452 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,515 'Wassup! 453 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,659 Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. 454 00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:30,716 No, it's... 455 00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:31,817 Let me just get that for you. 456 00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:32,953 - That's... - What? No. 457 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,497 Oh, sorry, those are yours. I... 458 00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:37,796 Donny, what... What the fuck, man? Sorry. 459 00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:39,899 What are you doing here? 460 00:22:40,258 --> 00:22:41,396 What do you mean? 461 00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:42,734 I thought you said your parents were dead. 462 00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:45,701 No, they are. Super dead. 463 00:22:45,764 --> 00:22:47,300 He's hilarious. 464 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,606 My old man. 465 00:22:49,968 --> 00:22:51,970 My old man friend. 466 00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:54,144 From... 467 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,217 'Wassup! 468 00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:57,409 Right? 469 00:22:58,677 --> 00:23:00,122 Well, aren't you going to introduce us? 470 00:23:00,412 --> 00:23:01,482 - No. - Yes. 471 00:23:01,613 --> 00:23:02,956 Yes. Here we go. 472 00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:06,261 This is my future father-in-law, Gerald, 473 00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:08,527 and his lovely wife, Helen. 474 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,628 And Jamie's brother, Chad. 475 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:12,831 - Hey-0! - Don't. That's... 476 00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:19,198 What? 477 00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:20,332 I like the look of this. Who's this? 478 00:23:20,432 --> 00:23:24,244 Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother, Delores, who's awake now. 479 00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:27,044 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you get all the looks from, huh, sweetie? 480 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,547 Yeah, no, we're not related. 481 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,880 Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes, 'cause you got the fucking... 482 00:23:31,943 --> 00:23:33,889 You're stacked pretty good. 483 00:23:34,613 --> 00:23:38,993 Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny. 484 00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:40,590 Your best friend. 485 00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:42,157 I'm his best friend. 486 00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:44,396 Your best friend. 487 00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:46,930 Yeah, no. 488 00:23:46,992 --> 00:23:48,972 Remember I told you we met... 489 00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:50,495 Where'd we meet? 490 00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:52,235 - We met... - Where? 491 00:23:53,031 --> 00:23:54,271 - Come on. - It's coming to me. 492 00:23:54,499 --> 00:23:55,569 I saved his life. 493 00:23:56,902 --> 00:23:58,245 Well, more metaphorically. 494 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,314 No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened. 495 00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:02,818 It was, like, one of them train track kind of deals. 496 00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:04,611 My man over here, I see him, 497 00:24:04,676 --> 00:24:06,656 he drops his burrito on the tracks. 498 00:24:06,878 --> 00:24:08,448 I'm like, "All right, that happens. " 499 00:24:08,914 --> 00:24:11,326 Next thing you know, homeboy leaps down there, 500 00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:13,294 and he tries to retrieve the burrito. 501 00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:16,164 Okay? I see a train whizzing at him. 502 00:24:16,221 --> 00:24:18,758 I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it. " 503 00:24:18,824 --> 00:24:21,202 I fucking leap down there myself, right, 504 00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:23,000 and I give him a little shove on the heinie. 505 00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:24,631 "Get out of the way, buddy!" 506 00:24:24,696 --> 00:24:26,004 Next thing you know, I realize 507 00:24:26,164 --> 00:24:27,768 this thing's going to hit me. 508 00:24:27,866 --> 00:24:29,470 I fucking remember, though, 509 00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:30,740 I had a kung fu instructor 510 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,112 who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm, 511 00:24:33,171 --> 00:24:34,980 and I bring it in there. 512 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,314 And I feel the train go by. 513 00:24:36,374 --> 00:24:37,409 My eyes are closed. 514 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,252 Rips my shirt off my body, okay? I open my eyes. 515 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,316 I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that? 516 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:44,883 "That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen. " 517 00:24:44,950 --> 00:24:46,725 I worked out at the time. 518 00:24:46,785 --> 00:24:49,322 Anyways, the place goes bananas for me, I sign a couple of titties, 519 00:24:49,387 --> 00:24:51,094 and I started hanging out with this guy ever since. 520 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:52,726 Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy. 521 00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:56,397 I just can't believe I've never heard that story before. 522 00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:58,967 Why wouldn't you just get another burrito, Todd? 523 00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,073 Wouldn't it be dirty? 524 00:25:02,601 --> 00:25:04,080 Great questions. 525 00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:07,942 It's one of the many things about this story that's pretty hard to believe. 526 00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:09,683 So, where are you staying, Donny? 527 00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,149 He's not staying. 528 00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:12,210 No. 529 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,723 I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right. 530 00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,988 Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here. 531 00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:21,530 You have to stay. 532 00:25:21,586 --> 00:25:23,862 He's your best friend. You're his best friend. 533 00:25:23,922 --> 00:25:25,367 Sheesh, I'm not messing with her. 534 00:25:25,423 --> 00:25:27,903 I mean, you are my best friend, guy. 535 00:25:27,959 --> 00:25:30,439 And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend. 536 00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,076 Breast, with an With an 537 00:25:38,937 --> 00:25:41,577 By the way, dude, you look fantastic. 538 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,376 You lost all the weight, homeboy. 539 00:25:43,441 --> 00:25:44,647 I miss the titties. 540 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,985 You saved my life? Seriously? 541 00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:48,956 What? They ate that up. 542 00:25:50,015 --> 00:25:51,688 You came up with a whole lot of nothing. 543 00:25:52,417 --> 00:25:53,657 That's a nice suitcase, by the way. 544 00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:54,788 What is that, Louis Vuitton? 545 00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:56,730 This is a Hefty bag. 546 00:25:57,155 --> 00:25:58,566 What the fuck are you talking about? 547 00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:00,532 What do you want, Donny? Money? 548 00:26:00,592 --> 00:26:03,163 You heard I was doing well, so you came looking for a handout? 549 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,606 I don't want none of your money. How is that? Okay? 550 00:26:05,664 --> 00:26:07,109 I get it. You don't like me. 551 00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:08,576 I exploded. 552 00:26:08,767 --> 00:26:09,768 I wish you had exploded. 553 00:26:09,834 --> 00:26:12,007 That way, I wouldn't have to see your stupid face anymore! 554 00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,071 Did you happen to notice 555 00:26:13,171 --> 00:26:16,175 I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from you? 556 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:17,952 Your mother's sick, by the way. 557 00:26:19,544 --> 00:26:20,579 I don't believe you. 558 00:26:22,113 --> 00:26:23,956 They don't know how long she's got. 559 00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:25,322 What is that, nunchucks? 560 00:26:25,717 --> 00:26:28,823 I told her you would visit her up at the prison. 561 00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:35,268 I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy who would pull through for Mumsie. 562 00:26:35,327 --> 00:26:37,068 Know what I'm saying? 563 00:26:37,128 --> 00:26:39,130 She'd do the same for you. 564 00:26:39,798 --> 00:26:40,799 Really? 565 00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:44,569 Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day before the big surgery, so... 566 00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:46,007 So let me get this straight. 567 00:26:46,071 --> 00:26:48,244 You want me to go visit my "sick mom" 568 00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:50,445 that I haven't talked to in years, in prison, 569 00:26:50,508 --> 00:26:51,987 the day before my wedding. 570 00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:53,313 Correct. 571 00:26:53,378 --> 00:26:54,755 Not happening, asshole. 572 00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:56,918 What the fuck did I do to you 573 00:26:56,982 --> 00:26:58,120 to make you hate me so much? 574 00:26:58,183 --> 00:26:59,685 I am fucking baffled right now. 575 00:26:59,751 --> 00:27:02,664 Well, maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever. 576 00:27:02,721 --> 00:27:04,860 Me? I did everything for you, buddy, 577 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:07,426 and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing. 578 00:27:07,692 --> 00:27:09,137 You never gave me nothing. 579 00:27:09,227 --> 00:27:10,467 I gave you a snake. 580 00:27:10,528 --> 00:27:13,134 Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes. 581 00:27:13,431 --> 00:27:17,470 That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh. 582 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,305 And I take pride in that, so fuck you. 583 00:27:20,905 --> 00:27:22,145 Yeah, great. You know what? 584 00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:24,278 I basically had to raise myself, Donny. 585 00:27:24,342 --> 00:27:25,719 I never learned how to swim. 586 00:27:25,777 --> 00:27:27,279 I don't even know how to ride a bike. 587 00:27:27,345 --> 00:27:28,824 You know how fucking humiliating that is? 588 00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:30,924 What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him? 589 00:27:31,716 --> 00:27:33,286 What? No. What's that? 590 00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:35,331 Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand. 591 00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:37,867 He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad. 592 00:27:37,922 --> 00:27:39,560 "Don't be upset, young man. 593 00:27:39,624 --> 00:27:41,467 "I'm your best friend. 594 00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:43,199 "Even though I'm an oven mitt. " 595 00:27:43,695 --> 00:27:45,106 No, I don't remember that, okay? 596 00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:46,198 You know what I do remember? 597 00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:48,509 You making me drive you home from the beach 598 00:27:48,566 --> 00:27:49,636 'cause you got too drunk. 599 00:27:50,135 --> 00:27:51,205 It makes sense to me. 600 00:27:51,269 --> 00:27:53,579 When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home. 601 00:27:53,938 --> 00:27:54,939 I was eight! 602 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,148 Well, you looked 14 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck. 603 00:27:58,209 --> 00:27:59,210 I'm sorry. 604 00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:00,823 You are such an asshole. 605 00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:03,221 Dude, you're a millionaire now, 606 00:28:03,281 --> 00:28:05,318 and you're marrying that hot chick. 607 00:28:05,717 --> 00:28:08,789 I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think? 608 00:28:09,087 --> 00:28:11,624 Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job? 609 00:28:11,956 --> 00:28:13,094 Oh, my God. 610 00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:15,934 You're a junkie? 'Who's your supplier? 611 00:28:16,261 --> 00:28:17,831 'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around. 612 00:28:17,962 --> 00:28:19,600 It's insulin, you dick. 613 00:28:19,664 --> 00:28:23,237 I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day. 614 00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:24,941 But that's what you fucking asked for. 615 00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:26,777 Yeah, you're supposed to say no. 616 00:28:26,938 --> 00:28:30,044 You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was 12. 617 00:28:30,108 --> 00:28:31,883 You know how hard it was to take that weight off? 618 00:28:32,143 --> 00:28:33,451 All right, all right. 619 00:28:34,312 --> 00:28:36,849 I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me. 620 00:28:37,182 --> 00:28:39,526 Grandpa was a psycho. You know that. 621 00:28:40,118 --> 00:28:41,927 Han Solo, don't be like this. 622 00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:43,192 I'm a good person. 623 00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:44,733 Okay, don't call me that, all right? 624 00:28:44,789 --> 00:28:45,927 My name's Todd now. 625 00:28:45,990 --> 00:28:48,493 Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him. 626 00:28:49,794 --> 00:28:51,068 Good one. 627 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:53,905 I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance. 628 00:28:53,965 --> 00:28:55,410 Do you have any Axe body spray? 629 00:28:56,534 --> 00:29:00,107 No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray. 630 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:03,311 Because I'm not a fucking douche bag. 631 00:29:04,976 --> 00:29:06,080 That's a douche bag thing? 632 00:29:06,144 --> 00:29:07,919 When did that become a douche bag thing? 633 00:29:07,979 --> 00:29:10,118 Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go! 634 00:29:10,782 --> 00:29:12,352 All right, can you lighten up a little bit? 635 00:29:12,417 --> 00:29:13,657 We got a party to attend. 636 00:29:13,718 --> 00:29:14,719 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. 637 00:29:15,186 --> 00:29:17,598 Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? 638 00:29:17,655 --> 00:29:19,726 It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening. 639 00:29:20,191 --> 00:29:24,003 'What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three. 640 00:29:24,062 --> 00:29:25,336 I'm not going to start that up again. 641 00:29:25,563 --> 00:29:26,803 That's great. Put on a tie. 642 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:29,305 - No. - Put on a tie! 643 00:29:29,467 --> 00:29:30,810 I'll never sell out. 644 00:29:32,203 --> 00:29:33,477 I'll give you 100 bucks. 645 00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:34,938 Where's the tie? 646 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,015 Look at this. 647 00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:39,578 Jamie is going to have it all. 648 00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:43,150 By the way, Mr. Spirou, 649 00:29:43,214 --> 00:29:45,285 I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking, 650 00:29:45,350 --> 00:29:47,261 if we hedge our position on oil, we could really... 651 00:29:51,523 --> 00:29:53,867 If we were to short the euro, we could... 652 00:29:54,058 --> 00:29:56,436 Come on, Todd. This is your wedding weekend. 653 00:29:56,661 --> 00:29:58,800 You are marrying a real workaholic. You do know that. 654 00:29:59,063 --> 00:30:01,600 Yeah, but isn't that what you want in a partner? 655 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:03,803 She's good, this one. 656 00:30:03,868 --> 00:30:05,176 She's good. 657 00:30:07,438 --> 00:30:09,042 All right, all right. 658 00:30:09,107 --> 00:30:10,381 I haven't made that decision yet, 659 00:30:10,775 --> 00:30:11,913 but I love this kid. 660 00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:14,450 You lost your dad in that explosion, 661 00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:15,918 and I lost my son. 662 00:30:16,247 --> 00:30:18,318 I thought your son was a ski instructor in Vail. 663 00:30:18,449 --> 00:30:20,929 He's a pot-smoking bum! 664 00:30:21,219 --> 00:30:23,096 Not like you, Todd. Oh, no. 665 00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:25,031 You're the type of boy a father can be proud of. 666 00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:26,528 Yeah, we'll never know, will we? 667 00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:30,272 - Who's that? - I'm not here. 668 00:30:30,795 --> 00:30:33,708 That's Donny. 669 00:30:34,632 --> 00:30:37,135 Donny, come on. Say hi to everyone. 670 00:30:38,069 --> 00:30:39,639 Oh, God, hang on. 671 00:30:39,704 --> 00:30:41,206 Let me swing these free. 672 00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:44,210 Glad all the children saw that. 673 00:30:44,375 --> 00:30:45,683 Donny. 674 00:30:45,777 --> 00:30:47,222 This is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss. 675 00:30:49,747 --> 00:30:52,057 'Wassup! 676 00:30:54,385 --> 00:30:55,523 Is that back? 677 00:30:57,589 --> 00:30:59,694 Because I've been dying for that to come back. 678 00:30:59,757 --> 00:31:00,792 'Wassup! 679 00:31:00,959 --> 00:31:02,131 Yeah! 680 00:31:02,794 --> 00:31:03,966 That's my boy! Look at him! 681 00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:05,268 He ain't a tight-ass. 682 00:31:05,330 --> 00:31:06,434 'Wassup! 683 00:31:07,932 --> 00:31:09,036 - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup! 684 00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:10,545 - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup! 685 00:31:10,935 --> 00:31:12,209 - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup! 686 00:31:12,604 --> 00:31:14,140 'Wassup! 687 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,149 What's up? 688 00:31:21,579 --> 00:31:23,456 Boo! 689 00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:25,862 That was terrible, Todd. 690 00:31:26,684 --> 00:31:28,686 So, I see the train coming, 691 00:31:28,753 --> 00:31:30,790 and something kind of like takes over me, you know? 692 00:31:32,624 --> 00:31:34,160 - Here you go, Abigail. - Thank you. 693 00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:37,365 And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right? 694 00:31:37,795 --> 00:31:39,399 Snaps my legs in two. 695 00:31:40,431 --> 00:31:42,968 What did I expect? It was a 25-foot drop, you know? 696 00:31:43,301 --> 00:31:44,541 Twenty-five feet? 697 00:31:44,802 --> 00:31:46,873 So I grab Burrito Bandito over here, 698 00:31:46,971 --> 00:31:48,279 and I just roll him out of the way. 699 00:31:48,873 --> 00:31:50,580 The train missed our skulls by inches. 700 00:31:51,209 --> 00:31:52,813 Why would you do something like that, Todd? 701 00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:54,621 You know, I really don't know, Steve. 702 00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:56,859 I mean, why wouldn't you just buy another burrito? 703 00:31:57,181 --> 00:31:58,558 Yeah, no, I know. 704 00:31:58,616 --> 00:32:00,254 I don't know what I could have been thinking. 705 00:32:00,818 --> 00:32:03,628 Maybe he was high on the hashish. 706 00:32:05,223 --> 00:32:06,930 Hey, how about I get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy? 707 00:32:07,358 --> 00:32:08,393 Twenty's my limit. 708 00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:09,995 No! No, no. 709 00:32:10,061 --> 00:32:12,837 But, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right? 710 00:32:14,198 --> 00:32:15,871 Oh, fiddlesnatch. 711 00:32:16,467 --> 00:32:17,537 It's the afternoon. 712 00:32:17,802 --> 00:32:20,510 Remember you told me you wanted to get to bed early? 713 00:32:21,572 --> 00:32:23,074 Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no. 714 00:32:23,141 --> 00:32:24,142 Todd's right. 715 00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:25,209 Oh, my God. 716 00:32:25,543 --> 00:32:26,954 You're right, it is him. 717 00:32:27,011 --> 00:32:28,513 - You're Donny Berger. - It's him. 718 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:31,260 Do you remember that kid who got his teacher pregnant in Somerville? 719 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:32,985 Wait a minute, that is you. 720 00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:34,223 Donny Berger. 721 00:32:34,419 --> 00:32:36,490 Didn't you and your teacher have a kid? 722 00:32:36,554 --> 00:32:37,999 Wait a minute. What was his name? 723 00:32:38,056 --> 00:32:39,797 Indiana Jones, huh? 724 00:32:39,991 --> 00:32:41,993 It was something fantastic like that. 725 00:32:42,060 --> 00:32:43,368 Yeah, Han Solo Berger. 726 00:32:43,594 --> 00:32:45,665 Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo. What ever happened to him? 727 00:32:45,997 --> 00:32:47,067 What happened to him? 728 00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:48,804 He actually became a dick. 729 00:32:50,868 --> 00:32:52,745 A private eye, I mean. 730 00:32:53,071 --> 00:32:55,608 One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world. 731 00:32:56,174 --> 00:32:57,175 Okay. 732 00:32:57,542 --> 00:33:00,682 Hey, look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever... 733 00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:03,256 Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to. 734 00:33:03,414 --> 00:33:05,052 She's a hot little number. 735 00:33:06,017 --> 00:33:09,089 'Well, you know, I was just going to ask you for an autograph, but... 736 00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,633 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. On her tits or... 737 00:33:12,090 --> 00:33:14,331 - Or a piece of paper would be fine. - Yeah, or a photo. 738 00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:16,034 Okay, well, this has been fun. 739 00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:18,341 - But, Donny... - Not to toot my own horn, 740 00:33:18,396 --> 00:33:20,069 but I got kind of close once. 741 00:33:20,131 --> 00:33:22,509 Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry. 742 00:33:22,567 --> 00:33:23,910 And I think she would have done it, too. 743 00:33:23,968 --> 00:33:25,743 I just didn't know how to make the move. 744 00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:27,482 You know what? I would have killed 745 00:33:27,538 --> 00:33:30,280 to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn. 746 00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:33,117 I used to dream of dissecting her with my penis. 747 00:33:33,211 --> 00:33:37,057 It's so weird what goes on upstairs when you hit puberty. 748 00:33:37,482 --> 00:33:41,862 I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses 749 00:33:41,919 --> 00:33:44,160 to wear while I masturbated. 750 00:33:44,922 --> 00:33:45,923 What is that about? 751 00:33:46,224 --> 00:33:48,602 In my day, when I got into trouble, 752 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:51,773 the headmaster would slap your hand with his dick. 753 00:33:53,097 --> 00:33:54,371 She wins. 754 00:33:56,234 --> 00:33:58,475 You know, Todd was working at the cubicle 755 00:33:58,536 --> 00:34:01,949 next to mine one year, 12 weeks and one day ago 756 00:34:02,006 --> 00:34:04,350 when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie. 757 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,014 How many days is that, Todd? 758 00:34:07,245 --> 00:34:08,622 Computing, Steve. 759 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:10,820 451. 760 00:34:13,584 --> 00:34:15,621 It's actually 450. 761 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:17,599 Battle of the brainiacs! 762 00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:20,199 Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess. 763 00:34:22,460 --> 00:34:23,700 He's smarter than Todd! 764 00:34:23,995 --> 00:34:27,408 Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers, but let's get back to love. 765 00:34:28,032 --> 00:34:29,033 What's the matter, hot stuff? 766 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,135 Where do you think you get it from? 767 00:34:30,268 --> 00:34:31,440 Your mother was a math teacher, 768 00:34:31,502 --> 00:34:33,311 and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself. 769 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,976 The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup 770 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:37,383 doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny. 771 00:34:38,342 --> 00:34:40,253 Leap year, motherfucker. 772 00:34:40,511 --> 00:34:43,355 I think it's kind of a magical moment. 773 00:34:43,414 --> 00:34:47,055 You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, miraculously appearing like this. 774 00:34:47,118 --> 00:34:48,119 What? 775 00:34:48,186 --> 00:34:51,793 So I am graciously going to step aside and allow Donny 776 00:34:52,290 --> 00:34:53,792 to take over as the best man. 777 00:34:53,858 --> 00:34:54,893 Give it up for Donny! 778 00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:56,369 Oh! no; no, 779 00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:58,031 Phil, you don't have to do that. 780 00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:00,238 No music. No, no, no, no. 781 00:35:00,498 --> 00:35:02,603 Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you... 782 00:35:02,834 --> 00:35:04,404 That's so nice of you, but you don't have to do that. 783 00:35:04,735 --> 00:35:06,806 Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close. 784 00:35:06,871 --> 00:35:09,181 We are. We are very close, but you and I are close, too. 785 00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,952 Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close. 786 00:35:13,411 --> 00:35:17,325 I mean, I was actually kind of surprised when you asked me to be your best man. 787 00:35:17,381 --> 00:35:19,019 Made me feel a little sorry for you. 788 00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:21,756 That's true. He had no idea who he was. 789 00:35:21,819 --> 00:35:23,059 No. 790 00:35:23,221 --> 00:35:25,326 I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor. 791 00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:27,164 - Way to go, Donny! - Are you kidding me? 792 00:35:27,225 --> 00:35:29,227 You got Fenway Park in your backyard? 793 00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:31,534 I had that built when my son started Little League. 794 00:35:31,596 --> 00:35:32,666 He never used it. 795 00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,437 The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae. 796 00:35:35,733 --> 00:35:38,043 Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers. 797 00:35:38,202 --> 00:35:39,545 What do you say? Come on! 798 00:35:41,873 --> 00:35:44,376 No, no, no. Please, don't let this be happening. 799 00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:47,548 Don't let this be happening, please. 800 00:35:47,612 --> 00:35:49,057 No sports. 801 00:35:49,347 --> 00:35:50,883 All right, guys, let's see what we got out there. 802 00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:54,191 Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. 803 00:35:54,919 --> 00:35:56,023 Get under it, kid. 804 00:36:00,158 --> 00:36:01,330 Yeah! 805 00:36:03,294 --> 00:36:04,295 Moron. 806 00:36:04,762 --> 00:36:06,139 Here we go! Taking down two there! 807 00:36:06,364 --> 00:36:08,241 All right, Gerald, kid! Here we go, guy! 808 00:36:08,699 --> 00:36:09,803 Stay on it! 809 00:36:11,402 --> 00:36:12,779 Oh. my God! 810 00:36:14,138 --> 00:36:17,051 Grandma, what's up, honey? Are you awake, sweetheart? 811 00:36:17,108 --> 00:36:18,314 Here we go. 812 00:36:18,910 --> 00:36:20,583 Get under it! Get dirty! 813 00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:22,453 What the fuck? 814 00:36:23,915 --> 00:36:26,054 - Got it. - Nice catch, Mama! 815 00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,421 Let's let Todd-0 get this one, huh? 816 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:30,063 Oh, no, that's okay. 817 00:36:30,288 --> 00:36:31,665 Todd, come on! 818 00:36:31,822 --> 00:36:33,460 No, no. Hit one to that two-year-old. 819 00:36:33,591 --> 00:36:34,968 He hasn't gotten one yet. 820 00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:36,300 Here you go, big man. 821 00:36:38,563 --> 00:36:39,974 - What? - Quit showing off 822 00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:41,806 for the girls, buddy. They're mine. 823 00:36:43,601 --> 00:36:44,671 Come on, now. 824 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:49,448 You got it. You got it. 825 00:36:53,311 --> 00:36:54,881 Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy? 826 00:36:55,012 --> 00:36:56,184 Don't hit it to me. 827 00:36:56,314 --> 00:36:57,349 Coming to you, homie. 828 00:37:04,121 --> 00:37:05,156 Holy shit. 829 00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,394 Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy? 830 00:37:12,663 --> 00:37:13,869 Come on. You're fine. 831 00:37:14,198 --> 00:37:15,506 Throw it in there, guy. 832 00:37:15,766 --> 00:37:17,404 I think the ball's broken. 833 00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:19,136 Throw it in, Todd. 834 00:37:19,270 --> 00:37:20,374 Todd, throw the ball. 835 00:37:20,438 --> 00:37:22,111 Come on, Todd! 836 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,117 Throw it, you big vagina. Do it. 837 00:37:24,342 --> 00:37:26,015 Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy. 838 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,215 We need a ball, kid. 839 00:37:27,278 --> 00:37:28,313 Just throw it. 840 00:37:28,379 --> 00:37:29,414 Such a pussy. 841 00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:32,750 On a rope! 842 00:37:32,817 --> 00:37:34,091 Holy fuck! 843 00:37:37,321 --> 00:37:41,326 We now return to The Donny Berger Story, starring Ian Ziering. 844 00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:42,697 - Yo! - Donny. 845 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,566 - I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec. - Yeah. 846 00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:46,802 Fucking... Here. 847 00:37:46,864 --> 00:37:48,241 - Who'll take the cigar? - Oh, no. 848 00:37:48,366 --> 00:37:49,367 - Donny. - Keep that lit for me. 849 00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:50,639 Take my fucking shades. 850 00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:51,975 - Wear them if you want. - Yeah! 851 00:37:52,036 --> 00:37:53,208 All right. So, hang on. 852 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,272 I want to wear them. 853 00:37:54,338 --> 00:37:55,476 I'll be back. 854 00:37:59,877 --> 00:38:00,912 All right. 855 00:38:00,978 --> 00:38:01,979 My goodness! 856 00:38:02,246 --> 00:38:03,384 Yeah, what's going on? 857 00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:05,225 Guess what's on TV? 858 00:38:05,483 --> 00:38:07,190 Hey, there, little buddy. 859 00:38:07,385 --> 00:38:08,921 I'm Mr. Mitty. 860 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:12,960 I will always love you. 861 00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:15,232 What is that, The Donny Berger Story? 862 00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:16,294 Hell, yeah. 863 00:38:16,527 --> 00:38:18,598 Don't you get money every time that shit is shown? 864 00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:20,767 This could be your "get out ofjail free" card. 865 00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:23,842 Last check I got for that was 85 cents. 866 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:26,513 Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with you? 867 00:38:26,737 --> 00:38:30,310 You know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet. 868 00:38:30,374 --> 00:38:33,355 I am actually just trying to be a dad right now. 869 00:38:33,811 --> 00:38:35,381 You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday. 870 00:38:35,446 --> 00:38:37,323 You have got to get that money somehow. 871 00:38:39,116 --> 00:38:40,220 Kenny, what the fuck? 872 00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:41,887 I thought this was a bathroom! 873 00:38:41,952 --> 00:38:42,987 Fuck you! 874 00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:45,125 - Honk! - Oh, nobody squeezes my titty 875 00:38:45,189 --> 00:38:46,327 for free, honey! 876 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:48,097 Okay, good luck with that. 877 00:38:48,426 --> 00:38:50,099 God, you're such an idiot! 878 00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:52,232 Todd, you already messed up my flowers! 879 00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:54,506 - I'm sorry. - Just get the cake! 880 00:38:54,799 --> 00:38:57,040 No walnuts! No fucking excuses! 881 00:38:57,435 --> 00:38:59,540 I love you! Do you love me? 882 00:39:00,738 --> 00:39:01,842 What? 883 00:39:03,574 --> 00:39:05,451 "You screwed up my cake! 884 00:39:05,509 --> 00:39:06,715 "You screwed up my cake!" 885 00:39:06,811 --> 00:39:07,949 What? 886 00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:09,685 It's me, it's me. Can I come in? 887 00:39:09,747 --> 00:39:11,124 - Yeah, sure. - What's up, buddy? 888 00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:14,129 What was she yelling at? What'd you do wrong? 889 00:39:14,452 --> 00:39:16,557 She's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding. 890 00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:18,031 Oh, really? 891 00:39:18,089 --> 00:39:20,569 You sure she's not stressed out about maybe sex or something? 892 00:39:20,624 --> 00:39:22,399 Have you been going down on her? 893 00:39:22,893 --> 00:39:24,338 - What? - No, I'm just saying, 894 00:39:24,395 --> 00:39:26,466 a lot of times, girls I've met over the years, 895 00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:28,771 when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit, 896 00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:31,279 if I kiss their pussies, they kind of go, 897 00:39:31,335 --> 00:39:33,474 "You're right, you're a good guy. " 898 00:39:34,238 --> 00:39:35,979 Yeah, that's personal, Donny. 899 00:39:36,173 --> 00:39:37,982 Yeah,no,no. You know her better than me, fine. 900 00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:39,813 So... 901 00:39:41,245 --> 00:39:43,122 You wear a bathing suit in the shower? 902 00:39:43,514 --> 00:39:45,926 - You know that's fucking nuts, right? - Are you serious? 903 00:39:45,983 --> 00:39:48,554 I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people because of you. 904 00:39:48,853 --> 00:39:51,026 Because of me. What did I do this time? 905 00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:52,925 Let me jog your memory. 906 00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:00,441 The New Kids on the Block! 907 00:40:00,798 --> 00:40:01,868 Holy shit! 908 00:40:01,932 --> 00:40:04,071 Their heads are all warped now! 909 00:40:04,135 --> 00:40:05,580 Oh. my God! 910 00:40:05,636 --> 00:40:07,843 Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade. 911 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,009 My body grew. 912 00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:11,178 I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine. Let me see it again. 913 00:40:12,777 --> 00:40:14,552 Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 914 00:40:14,645 --> 00:40:16,818 You got a back tattoo 915 00:40:16,881 --> 00:40:18,690 Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 916 00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,524 Their heads are fucking warped 917 00:40:21,185 --> 00:40:22,994 - You suck. - Come on, dude. 918 00:40:23,053 --> 00:40:24,259 Why you getting so serious? 919 00:40:24,388 --> 00:40:26,459 I still got the tattoo I got when I was... 920 00:40:26,524 --> 00:40:29,266 'When I was a teenager. And I'm fine with it, you know. 921 00:40:31,362 --> 00:40:33,933 "De plane! De plane!" 922 00:40:34,732 --> 00:40:35,836 "De plane!" 923 00:40:36,233 --> 00:40:38,873 Yeah, I remember it. I still don't know who that is. 924 00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:40,911 It's fucking... 925 00:40:40,971 --> 00:40:43,178 "De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy Island. 926 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:44,275 Tattoo. 927 00:40:44,341 --> 00:40:46,287 I got a tattoo of Tattoo. I thought that was funny. 928 00:40:46,644 --> 00:40:47,748 Well, it's not. 929 00:40:48,045 --> 00:40:49,353 Lighten up, dude. Come on. 930 00:40:49,413 --> 00:40:50,824 - "De plane!" - Don't. Donny, don't. 931 00:40:51,215 --> 00:40:52,353 - I'm serious. - "De plane!" 932 00:40:52,416 --> 00:40:53,451 - No. - You're still ticklish. 933 00:40:53,517 --> 00:40:55,121 No, I'm not ticklish! 934 00:40:57,955 --> 00:40:59,400 - Come on, now! - The tickle monster. 935 00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:01,698 - I tickle you like that. - No. 936 00:41:01,759 --> 00:41:02,897 Stop! No, stop it! 937 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:04,371 Watch yourself. 938 00:41:04,762 --> 00:41:06,571 Stop it! Stop it, no! 939 00:41:07,665 --> 00:41:08,871 Give me that, Hansie. 940 00:41:09,099 --> 00:41:10,840 Why is your dick in my face? 941 00:41:10,901 --> 00:41:12,608 And why is it kind of hard? 942 00:41:12,736 --> 00:41:15,216 What are you two homos doing? 943 00:41:19,743 --> 00:41:21,017 Just rasslin'. 944 00:41:21,712 --> 00:41:22,747 All right. 945 00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:24,850 'Cause you're looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, 946 00:41:24,915 --> 00:41:26,155 and I got the winner. 947 00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:27,625 Okay. Well, he won. 948 00:41:27,685 --> 00:41:29,096 - No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did. You won. 949 00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:30,188 What? No, I didn't. 950 00:41:30,254 --> 00:41:31,961 You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him. 951 00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:33,524 - Yeah, Chad. - No, no. 952 00:41:33,724 --> 00:41:35,032 It's actually a funny story. 953 00:41:35,092 --> 00:41:36,230 We were having a tickle fight. 954 00:41:36,293 --> 00:41:37,328 We weren't wrestling at all. 955 00:41:37,394 --> 00:41:39,203 I was losing, admittedly. 956 00:41:39,263 --> 00:41:41,869 Aw, God, I got to start doing some crunches or something. 957 00:41:41,932 --> 00:41:43,070 Look at this. 958 00:41:44,702 --> 00:41:46,079 Oh, you don't like him? 959 00:41:46,237 --> 00:41:47,682 Oh, we don't like you. 960 00:41:48,405 --> 00:41:50,214 He's talking to his dick, buddy. 961 00:41:52,042 --> 00:41:53,248 Now he's hitting it. 962 00:41:53,844 --> 00:41:54,879 No! Why? 963 00:41:55,045 --> 00:41:57,616 You got to puff that fucker up! 964 00:41:58,015 --> 00:41:59,085 Oh, what? No. 965 00:41:59,149 --> 00:42:01,129 You don't have to puff that fucker up. 966 00:42:01,252 --> 00:42:02,390 Let's do this. 967 00:42:02,486 --> 00:42:04,466 Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic... Okay! 968 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,694 Okay! 969 00:42:05,990 --> 00:42:08,095 I tap out. You win, you win. I tap out. 970 00:42:08,158 --> 00:42:10,638 Do you like fucking my sister, Todd? 971 00:42:11,095 --> 00:42:13,701 I mean, do you like sticking your dirty booger fingers in her? 972 00:42:14,832 --> 00:42:15,867 Whoa, what was that? 973 00:42:15,933 --> 00:42:17,571 Let's all just keep our heads, okay? 974 00:42:17,635 --> 00:42:18,943 We've all been drinking a lot tonight. 975 00:42:19,103 --> 00:42:21,014 I'm gonna skull-fuck you... 976 00:42:23,874 --> 00:42:25,751 And that is the end of that. 977 00:42:28,279 --> 00:42:30,156 What, you're mad at me? 978 00:42:30,681 --> 00:42:32,558 How am I the fucking bad guy right now? 979 00:42:33,117 --> 00:42:35,996 You're gonna fucking give me shit with that tattoo on your back? 980 00:42:36,053 --> 00:42:38,033 Look at that stupid fucking thing. 981 00:42:38,289 --> 00:42:40,089 Good buddy, he'll be fine. 982 00:42:40,190 --> 00:42:42,864 Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound. 983 00:42:43,060 --> 00:42:44,971 I never heard of him passing out drunk before. 984 00:42:45,129 --> 00:42:46,199 Yeah, it was crazy. It was like, 985 00:42:46,263 --> 00:42:48,504 one second, he was with us, totally awake. 986 00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:50,273 Next thing you know, he's face down, 987 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,938 birds a-chirpin'. 988 00:42:53,771 --> 00:42:55,307 What do you think? 989 00:42:55,940 --> 00:42:57,010 You look amazing. 990 00:42:57,341 --> 00:42:58,615 Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck 991 00:42:58,676 --> 00:43:00,451 for me to see the dress before the wedding, though? 992 00:43:00,511 --> 00:43:03,014 This is a $12,000 Vera Wang dress. 993 00:43:03,147 --> 00:43:04,319 I'm gonna wear it whenever I want. 994 00:43:05,215 --> 00:43:08,025 You'd look hot in a $12 Wang Chung dress. 995 00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:10,323 That sounds like a line Donny would say. 996 00:43:10,454 --> 00:43:11,728 Yeah, except he'd say, 997 00:43:11,789 --> 00:43:14,998 "You'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress. " 998 00:43:15,459 --> 00:43:18,269 Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something, you know? 999 00:43:18,495 --> 00:43:19,997 - Yeah. - That's probably why his son ran off. 1000 00:43:20,331 --> 00:43:21,639 His what? What? Who? His son about... 1001 00:43:21,832 --> 00:43:23,470 What'd he say? What did you hear? Did he say something? 1002 00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:26,413 Just look at the first page of that book he's been handing out to everyone. 1003 00:43:26,470 --> 00:43:28,108 He has? What? No. 1004 00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:31,048 Head in the Class? 1005 00:43:31,342 --> 00:43:35,017 He said it's like Head of the Class, only with blowjobs. 1006 00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:37,053 It's gross. 1007 00:43:37,314 --> 00:43:39,123 Yeah, it's gross. Blowjobs are gross. 1008 00:43:39,183 --> 00:43:40,321 We don't do those. 1009 00:43:40,918 --> 00:43:42,898 "Dear Jamie, I know you'll make Todd very happy 1010 00:43:42,953 --> 00:43:44,455 "if you bleach your little brown eye. " 1011 00:43:44,521 --> 00:43:46,330 Oh, no, not this part. 1012 00:43:56,500 --> 00:43:58,343 Wow, that's sad. 1013 00:44:02,006 --> 00:44:03,713 That weirdly got me. 1014 00:44:03,774 --> 00:44:06,983 I don't know why it got me, but it just got me. 1015 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,754 Can I get a hug right now, or... 1016 00:44:10,948 --> 00:44:13,155 No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress. 1017 00:44:13,250 --> 00:44:15,161 Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress, 1018 00:44:15,219 --> 00:44:17,096 may I suggest we just remove it? 1019 00:44:17,287 --> 00:44:18,493 Did you take two Xanax? 1020 00:44:18,555 --> 00:44:20,933 I actually took three Xanax. 1021 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:23,198 And you know that the Xanax makes me 1022 00:44:23,460 --> 00:44:26,634 "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y" 1023 00:44:26,697 --> 00:44:27,767 So horny for my fiancée 1024 00:44:27,831 --> 00:44:29,504 No! Down. 1025 00:44:30,367 --> 00:44:32,404 I don't want to have sex with my family in the house. 1026 00:44:32,703 --> 00:44:33,704 No, I know. 1027 00:44:33,771 --> 00:44:36,149 I don't want to have sex with your family, either. 1028 00:44:36,206 --> 00:44:37,480 In the house. 1029 00:44:38,042 --> 00:44:39,316 Came out weird. 1030 00:44:40,144 --> 00:44:42,784 Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it 1031 00:44:42,846 --> 00:44:45,520 without having a roommate watching me, so... 1032 00:44:45,883 --> 00:44:47,419 What do we got to work with here? 1033 00:44:52,756 --> 00:44:54,258 Rich people magazines. 1034 00:44:56,393 --> 00:44:58,373 Let's see what we got. 1035 00:45:00,898 --> 00:45:04,072 If I hadn't partied with her husband so many times, I would. 1036 00:45:04,134 --> 00:45:05,977 But it's disrespectful to him. 1037 00:45:06,870 --> 00:45:08,349 I don't know. 1038 00:45:12,409 --> 00:45:13,444 Hello. 1039 00:45:14,311 --> 00:45:17,986 Jeezum Crow, you really were a model, weren't you, Grandma? 1040 00:45:18,682 --> 00:45:23,495 Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew how to pick them, didn't he? 1041 00:45:24,621 --> 00:45:27,329 I love that old-time bathing suit. 1042 00:45:28,892 --> 00:45:31,270 I could take you to the speakeasy, and we could, 1043 00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,599 we could do the naked Charleston. 1044 00:45:34,264 --> 00:45:37,370 I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis, 1045 00:45:37,434 --> 00:45:40,381 so you better give me something to remember. 1046 00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:42,509 What's that? 1047 00:45:43,307 --> 00:45:44,308 Oh, my God. 1048 00:45:44,875 --> 00:45:48,288 Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too. 1049 00:45:49,079 --> 00:45:50,387 Should we let her? 1050 00:45:50,447 --> 00:45:52,723 I think we should. 1051 00:45:53,050 --> 00:45:54,427 Oh, my God. 1052 00:45:56,053 --> 00:45:57,623 Why do I like her better right now? 1053 00:45:58,322 --> 00:45:59,562 Oh, you bad... 1054 00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:01,330 What have you done to me? 1055 00:46:01,391 --> 00:46:03,234 What have you done to me? 1056 00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:09,336 We got to go for round two, but give me a little bit of time. 1057 00:46:10,134 --> 00:46:11,977 Give me a little bit of time. 1058 00:46:14,972 --> 00:46:16,713 Oh, lovely. 1059 00:46:17,274 --> 00:46:18,685 Just lovely. 1060 00:46:26,216 --> 00:46:27,354 Goodness. 1061 00:46:33,690 --> 00:46:34,896 Oh, my word. 1062 00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:42,000 Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour. 1063 00:46:43,066 --> 00:46:45,046 There's so many tissues. 1064 00:46:49,373 --> 00:46:51,614 Oh, God. You know, don't touch those, okay? Let's... 1065 00:46:51,775 --> 00:46:53,220 Okay. 1066 00:46:53,377 --> 00:46:54,913 I'm gonna just clean that up. 1067 00:46:55,245 --> 00:46:56,451 Yeah, Donny's sick. 1068 00:46:56,947 --> 00:46:58,756 You don't want to touch these 'cause you'll get sick. 1069 00:46:58,982 --> 00:47:01,019 He's got post-nasal drip, so... 1070 00:47:08,192 --> 00:47:10,638 The tissue's stuck to my picture. 1071 00:47:10,694 --> 00:47:11,900 Here, let me. 1072 00:47:13,897 --> 00:47:15,240 I'll grab that from you. I got it. 1073 00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:19,006 Oh, look at that! There's a little tissue beard there. 1074 00:47:19,069 --> 00:47:21,208 No, don't touch it, please. Don't worry about it. 1075 00:47:21,271 --> 00:47:22,750 Oh, that poor dear. 1076 00:47:23,073 --> 00:47:25,178 I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice. 1077 00:47:25,609 --> 00:47:27,111 Juice. That's a great idea. 1078 00:47:27,177 --> 00:47:28,713 Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks. 1079 00:47:29,313 --> 00:47:32,760 You know, hon, if he's really under the weather, 1080 00:47:32,816 --> 00:47:36,093 maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much. 1081 00:47:37,654 --> 00:47:38,962 That's good advice. 1082 00:47:39,022 --> 00:47:40,592 I'll tell him that, thank you. 1083 00:47:44,494 --> 00:47:46,974 Okay, you can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot. 1084 00:47:47,397 --> 00:47:50,970 The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she? 1085 00:47:51,301 --> 00:47:52,336 That's so funny. 1086 00:47:52,402 --> 00:47:55,747 But your improves were awesome. "Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said. 1087 00:47:55,973 --> 00:48:00,217 You know, I can't believe your balls produce that much stuff. 1088 00:48:00,677 --> 00:48:02,315 Dude, at least I got balls. 1089 00:48:02,579 --> 00:48:03,819 What's that supposed to mean? 1090 00:48:04,982 --> 00:48:08,156 Let me just crack open some happiness first, yeah. 1091 00:48:09,286 --> 00:48:10,856 All I'm saying is the Chad thing, 1092 00:48:10,921 --> 00:48:12,662 when that dude came at you last night, 1093 00:48:12,923 --> 00:48:14,925 you kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights. 1094 00:48:15,359 --> 00:48:18,272 Your whole aura is actually that of a pussy. 1095 00:48:18,328 --> 00:48:19,534 Or a kiss-ass. 1096 00:48:19,596 --> 00:48:20,939 It is not. 1097 00:48:21,999 --> 00:48:23,034 It is, too. 1098 00:48:23,767 --> 00:48:25,269 What the fuck am I doing? 1099 00:48:25,335 --> 00:48:27,645 No, I'm just saying you got to stand up for yourself 1100 00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,979 every once in a while, buddy, or she's never gonna bang you. 1101 00:48:30,340 --> 00:48:32,911 I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time. 1102 00:48:33,143 --> 00:48:34,622 All right? She bangs. 1103 00:48:35,312 --> 00:48:37,758 Does she live the la vida loca, too, or... 1104 00:48:38,315 --> 00:48:39,582 Very funny. 1105 00:48:44,321 --> 00:48:45,356 Well, good day, everyone. 1106 00:48:45,422 --> 00:48:46,526 Father. 1107 00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:48,866 Father McNally, thank you so much for coming out to the Cape. 1108 00:48:49,059 --> 00:48:50,060 My honor. 1109 00:48:50,127 --> 00:48:51,197 Very cool. 1110 00:48:51,261 --> 00:48:52,262 Oh, yes. 1111 00:48:52,863 --> 00:48:53,967 Chad. 1112 00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:56,570 You'll excuse me, won't you? 1113 00:48:56,900 --> 00:48:59,210 While you're in this church, you'll show the proper respect. 1114 00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:01,605 No e-mailing, no texting, 1115 00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:06,247 no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds. 1116 00:49:06,877 --> 00:49:08,220 That one hurts. 1117 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,857 No, no. I get it. 1118 00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:12,817 It's the 2010s. 1119 00:49:13,216 --> 00:49:15,162 Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes. 1120 00:49:15,385 --> 00:49:16,921 No, Father. 1121 00:49:17,721 --> 00:49:20,031 But, you see, this is my world. 1122 00:49:20,991 --> 00:49:23,028 We'll abide by my rules while we're here. 1123 00:49:24,361 --> 00:49:27,308 Maybe we should start with the father of the groom. 1124 00:49:30,167 --> 00:49:31,544 His father passed away. 1125 00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:33,475 He died in an explosion. 1126 00:49:34,338 --> 00:49:37,285 Sounds fishy, but it really happened. 1127 00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,753 I'm truly sorry to hear that, son. 1128 00:49:43,180 --> 00:49:45,217 Thank you, but it's fine. 1129 00:49:45,849 --> 00:49:46,884 He deserved it. 1130 00:49:47,217 --> 00:49:48,560 So... 1131 00:49:48,618 --> 00:49:50,029 What is that supposed to mean? 1132 00:49:50,387 --> 00:49:52,298 Oh, I didn't mean anything by it. 1133 00:49:52,356 --> 00:49:54,495 He just, you know, wasn't a great dad. 1134 00:50:04,334 --> 00:50:06,746 So your father, he abused you, did he? 1135 00:50:07,371 --> 00:50:08,714 No, nothing like that. 1136 00:50:09,106 --> 00:50:11,211 Was he a murderer? Rapist? 1137 00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:14,254 No. Father, I'm sorry, I... 1138 00:50:14,311 --> 00:50:18,259 My father beat me every day with a rake. 1139 00:50:19,883 --> 00:50:23,160 But you don't hear me smack-talking him like some baby little princess. 1140 00:50:23,220 --> 00:50:24,995 Not here in the house of the Lord. 1141 00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,137 You know, I can't hear a word you're saying. 1142 00:50:41,671 --> 00:50:44,345 All I can focus on is your shit breath. 1143 00:50:49,780 --> 00:50:52,852 I'd like to show you the garden for a minute. 1144 00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:01,460 Now, then. 1145 00:51:01,591 --> 00:51:02,865 Okay, you know what? Let's just... 1146 00:51:08,832 --> 00:51:09,867 Fucking old guy's got 1147 00:51:09,933 --> 00:51:11,276 - a cannon on him. - What happened? 1148 00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,336 What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown. 1149 00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:15,580 - Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now. - Oh, my God. 1150 00:51:15,639 --> 00:51:19,086 And he's pretty ripped for an old fuck, so we're in trouble right now. 1151 00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:20,782 What is going on here? 1152 00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:22,083 All right, all right. 1153 00:51:22,145 --> 00:51:23,180 Go time, go time. 1154 00:51:23,246 --> 00:51:24,316 No, think about what you're doing! 1155 00:51:24,414 --> 00:51:25,620 Be careful. 1156 00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,391 He bit me! 1157 00:51:27,651 --> 00:51:28,823 Did you see that? That was amazing! 1158 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:29,954 This could get ugly. 1159 00:51:30,020 --> 00:51:32,159 The Father actually killed a guy in the ring. 1160 00:51:32,222 --> 00:51:33,530 That's why he became a priest. 1161 00:51:34,391 --> 00:51:35,734 Just keep your hands up, kid! 1162 00:51:35,792 --> 00:51:36,827 Get 'em down! 1163 00:51:36,893 --> 00:51:38,372 Hang in there, guy! 1164 00:51:39,162 --> 00:51:40,470 He keeps punching him! 1165 00:51:42,699 --> 00:51:43,871 Come on, guy. 1166 00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:46,839 That's my boy! 1167 00:51:46,903 --> 00:51:49,816 Why, you came right back with your own shit. Nice, kid. 1168 00:51:53,610 --> 00:51:54,611 What the fuck is that? 1169 00:51:54,711 --> 00:51:56,748 Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now. 1170 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,289 You know what? Maybe just run. 1171 00:52:01,351 --> 00:52:03,456 Get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go, go, go. 1172 00:52:04,221 --> 00:52:05,256 No. 1173 00:52:06,056 --> 00:52:07,126 I'm not gonna run. 1174 00:52:07,257 --> 00:52:08,702 Finish him, Father McNally! 1175 00:52:08,758 --> 00:52:10,135 Finish him! 1176 00:52:23,707 --> 00:52:26,813 Geez. He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh? 1177 00:52:30,347 --> 00:52:32,054 What is the matter with you? 1178 00:52:32,182 --> 00:52:34,560 You know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years. 1179 00:52:34,618 --> 00:52:36,120 - Thirty years! Thirty years. - Thirty years. 1180 00:52:36,453 --> 00:52:37,557 I ought to rip off your head! 1181 00:52:39,089 --> 00:52:40,090 Gerald! 1182 00:52:40,157 --> 00:52:41,397 I'm sorry. 1183 00:52:41,458 --> 00:52:44,098 Sorry's not gonna keep you from burning in hell, Todd. 1184 00:52:44,361 --> 00:52:45,931 Hey, this is all my fault. 1185 00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:47,839 I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle. 1186 00:52:47,898 --> 00:52:49,275 I'm, like, a moron over here. 1187 00:52:49,466 --> 00:52:51,468 No, now, Donny, I will not let you take the blame for this. 1188 00:52:51,535 --> 00:52:53,742 You had to do it. You saved his life again. 1189 00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:56,048 And you looked very sexy doing it. 1190 00:52:57,841 --> 00:53:00,219 Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar? 1191 00:53:00,377 --> 00:53:02,220 Todd is such a loser. 1192 00:53:02,746 --> 00:53:03,952 Here comes your girl. Here we go. 1193 00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:05,819 Jame, I'm sorry, but, look, 1194 00:53:05,882 --> 00:53:07,418 you got to admit, I stood up for myself back there. 1195 00:53:07,617 --> 00:53:09,756 Do you have fucking rocks in your head, Todd? 1196 00:53:10,253 --> 00:53:11,254 No. 1197 00:53:11,321 --> 00:53:12,322 Well, where are we gonna get married now? 1198 00:53:12,389 --> 00:53:13,766 We got kicked out of the church! 1199 00:53:13,823 --> 00:53:15,029 Jame... 1200 00:53:15,392 --> 00:53:16,564 What is everybody's problem? 1201 00:53:16,626 --> 00:53:18,401 You were awesome out there. You kicked ass. 1202 00:53:18,461 --> 00:53:20,236 - You should be proud of yourself. - Proud of myself? 1203 00:53:20,664 --> 00:53:21,870 For what? 1204 00:53:21,932 --> 00:53:24,412 I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me. 1205 00:53:24,467 --> 00:53:26,879 And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy. 1206 00:53:27,504 --> 00:53:29,245 That's the last time I listen to you. 1207 00:53:33,977 --> 00:53:35,047 - I'm gonna choke him out! - He's an asshole! 1208 00:53:35,178 --> 00:53:36,486 I'm gonna choke him out. 1209 00:53:36,546 --> 00:53:38,048 I'm just gonna choke him out. 1210 00:53:38,281 --> 00:53:39,453 Hey, guys, guys? 1211 00:53:39,516 --> 00:53:42,258 Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd? 1212 00:53:43,220 --> 00:53:45,063 Churches freak the kid out, 1213 00:53:45,121 --> 00:53:46,998 ever since his father's funeral. 1214 00:53:47,324 --> 00:53:48,769 After the explosion, 1215 00:53:49,359 --> 00:53:55,674 all that was left of his dad was, like, a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack. 1216 00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:59,676 It was supposed to be a closed casket, 1217 00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:01,943 but there was a foul-up at the mortuary, 1218 00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:04,007 and he actually saw a squirrel 1219 00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:07,180 run into the coffin and kind of 1220 00:54:08,044 --> 00:54:10,456 squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth. 1221 00:54:10,513 --> 00:54:12,584 You know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so... 1222 00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:15,188 So you actually knew Todd's father? 1223 00:54:15,552 --> 00:54:17,088 Of course I knew the guy. 1224 00:54:17,153 --> 00:54:18,962 He was handsome, he had fucking great hair, 1225 00:54:19,389 --> 00:54:21,130 a Jedi with the chicks. 1226 00:54:21,858 --> 00:54:24,839 Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver 1227 00:54:24,894 --> 00:54:26,430 and he wanted to see others be happy. 1228 00:54:27,063 --> 00:54:28,736 I wish I could have met him. 1229 00:54:30,133 --> 00:54:31,339 Sounds like a gentleman. 1230 00:54:32,702 --> 00:54:34,443 Was he there enough for the kid? 1231 00:54:34,504 --> 00:54:35,778 No, maybe not. But, 1232 00:54:36,039 --> 00:54:38,519 you know, he probably felt bad about it. 1233 00:54:38,875 --> 00:54:41,788 You know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so... 1234 00:54:42,846 --> 00:54:43,950 Toddsy. 1235 00:54:44,714 --> 00:54:46,125 Oh, Todd. 1236 00:54:46,182 --> 00:54:47,627 I had no idea. 1237 00:54:48,151 --> 00:54:49,323 Poor thing. Are you okay? 1238 00:54:49,386 --> 00:54:50,387 Yeah, yeah. 1239 00:54:50,687 --> 00:54:51,688 It's fine, but 1240 00:54:52,155 --> 00:54:54,066 sometimes I do still have nightmares. 1241 00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:55,158 Oh, boy. 1242 00:54:55,358 --> 00:54:57,929 That squirrel and its demonic eyes. 1243 00:54:58,928 --> 00:55:01,306 Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth. 1244 00:55:02,332 --> 00:55:04,243 One lone scraggly hair. 1245 00:55:05,168 --> 00:55:06,670 A pubic hair. 1246 00:55:07,103 --> 00:55:09,208 I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys. 1247 00:55:09,272 --> 00:55:11,309 Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one 1248 00:55:11,374 --> 00:55:13,411 who brings these two guys together? 1249 00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:14,750 I mean, I don't think so. 1250 00:55:15,078 --> 00:55:17,251 I'm pretty tied into the church crowd 1251 00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,191 Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot. 1252 00:55:19,249 --> 00:55:20,626 I could find a priest for you. 1253 00:55:20,684 --> 00:55:21,992 I mean, what type are we looking for? 1254 00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:23,392 Maybe a younger guy. 1255 00:55:23,453 --> 00:55:24,454 Younger guy. 1256 00:55:24,521 --> 00:55:25,625 How about a black guy? 1257 00:55:25,822 --> 00:55:27,324 Now, I like that. 1258 00:55:27,390 --> 00:55:29,267 It's very urban, very street. 1259 00:55:29,592 --> 00:55:30,593 Okay. 1260 00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,797 But that still doesn't get us a church. 1261 00:55:33,096 --> 00:55:36,805 Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot if I was these two sexy kids. 1262 00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:44,883 Donny, this is just such a great idea. 1263 00:55:44,941 --> 00:55:46,386 - Thanks. - Don't you love the pergola? 1264 00:55:46,443 --> 00:55:47,649 They're gorgeous! 1265 00:55:47,711 --> 00:55:50,590 You know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch. 1266 00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:51,784 You know, you're right. 1267 00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:54,852 Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there. 1268 00:55:54,918 --> 00:55:56,158 Calling all ladies! 1269 00:55:56,219 --> 00:55:58,199 The bus for the bachelorette party is here! Come on! 1270 00:55:58,922 --> 00:56:01,266 Honey, you guys have fun at the bachelor party! 1271 00:56:01,458 --> 00:56:02,528 Okay. 1272 00:56:02,592 --> 00:56:04,299 Don't get too crazy. Know your limits. 1273 00:56:05,061 --> 00:56:07,200 - Okay. - We're having a bachelor party? 1274 00:56:07,397 --> 00:56:08,535 That's, like, my thing, man. 1275 00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:11,672 Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss. 1276 00:56:11,735 --> 00:56:13,772 I mean, the sky's the limit, kid. 1277 00:56:14,070 --> 00:56:15,879 No, no, no. Donny, we're all set. 1278 00:56:15,939 --> 00:56:18,749 I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight. 1279 00:56:19,642 --> 00:56:21,679 This is gonna be awesome! 1280 00:56:22,579 --> 00:56:24,855 I read about this place in Oprah's magazine. 1281 00:56:24,914 --> 00:56:29,090 I don't know if she writes the articles herself, but there's some real good stuff in it. 1282 00:56:29,152 --> 00:56:31,632 Hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please. 1283 00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:32,992 Good evening, gentlemen. 1284 00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:34,793 Mrs. Ravensdale. 1285 00:56:34,858 --> 00:56:36,303 Phil, what a blessing. 1286 00:56:36,893 --> 00:56:41,137 Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men. 1287 00:56:41,331 --> 00:56:43,004 Woo-hoo, motherfucker! 1288 00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:45,205 Okay. All right. 1289 00:56:45,268 --> 00:56:47,509 We're gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, 1290 00:56:47,570 --> 00:56:49,641 and then we have a wonderful full evening planned 1291 00:56:49,706 --> 00:56:51,913 with massage, facial and nail treatments, 1292 00:56:52,375 --> 00:56:54,548 and then we're going to send you home 1293 00:56:54,611 --> 00:56:59,390 with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub. 1294 00:57:00,650 --> 00:57:03,130 Confucius say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" 1295 00:57:03,853 --> 00:57:04,923 No, Donny, 1296 00:57:05,455 --> 00:57:07,457 Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding 1297 00:57:07,524 --> 00:57:10,061 for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow. 1298 00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,204 My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week 1299 00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:14,742 with the preschool applications, 1300 00:57:14,798 --> 00:57:16,573 and I am ready to be pampered! 1301 00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,480 All right, all right. Now we're talking. 1302 00:57:21,538 --> 00:57:23,449 Hey, thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? 1303 00:57:23,506 --> 00:57:24,917 - Jessica. All right. - Yeah. 1304 00:57:24,974 --> 00:57:26,248 Hey, come on. Here's to the kid. 1305 00:57:26,309 --> 00:57:29,313 He's fucking getting all fucked up tonight! 1306 00:57:29,379 --> 00:57:30,414 Last night! 1307 00:57:30,480 --> 00:57:32,824 Fucking last night of poontang for this kid. 1308 00:57:37,620 --> 00:57:39,122 What the fuck is this? 1309 00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:43,866 It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood. 1310 00:57:44,661 --> 00:57:47,642 It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. 1311 00:57:49,199 --> 00:57:51,440 And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz. 1312 00:57:53,002 --> 00:57:57,041 Wait a minute. What are we drinking water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil? 1313 00:57:57,740 --> 00:57:59,720 You got to show my son your tits later. 1314 00:57:59,776 --> 00:58:02,154 Promise me. Promise me. 1315 00:58:05,081 --> 00:58:07,061 That's nice. Yeah, good. 1316 00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:08,895 This is great, sweetheart. 1317 00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:10,590 Really good. 1318 00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:12,326 Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh? 1319 00:58:13,122 --> 00:58:15,068 That's it. 1320 00:58:15,792 --> 00:58:16,862 What's this, sir? 1321 00:58:16,926 --> 00:58:21,272 That's just a little tip, you know, if you give me a full package. 1322 00:58:21,765 --> 00:58:24,473 Okay. That's a $150 additional charge. 1323 00:58:25,302 --> 00:58:26,645 You're talking to the wrong guy. 1324 00:58:26,703 --> 00:58:27,841 That's a little out of my price range. 1325 00:58:27,904 --> 00:58:30,748 It includes scalp treatment, reflexology. 1326 00:58:30,807 --> 00:58:32,684 How much is it to tickle my pickle? 1327 00:58:33,209 --> 00:58:36,247 To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? 1328 00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:39,453 Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. 1329 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,792 I just want you to just jerk it a little bit. 1330 00:58:42,252 --> 00:58:44,664 Donny, this isn't a brothel. 1331 00:58:45,488 --> 00:58:49,026 Then I'm completely confused what the fuck we're doing here right now! 1332 00:58:49,292 --> 00:58:51,533 So, what, you're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us? 1333 00:58:52,162 --> 00:58:53,232 I don't know. Am I? 1334 00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:56,609 I guess not! 1335 00:58:57,100 --> 00:59:00,104 You know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don, 1336 00:59:00,604 --> 00:59:02,379 and you're being just plain rude. 1337 00:59:02,806 --> 00:59:04,877 - Phil, no! Phil! - No, no. Don't do this. 1338 00:59:07,677 --> 00:59:10,021 Nice. That's nice. 1339 00:59:10,413 --> 00:59:13,485 That's good. That's good. 1340 00:59:14,451 --> 00:59:15,691 It tickles. 1341 00:59:15,752 --> 00:59:17,527 Just fight through it, man. It's worth it. 1342 00:59:17,587 --> 00:59:20,227 If you stop, I swear I will kill you. 1343 00:59:26,062 --> 00:59:27,973 You know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes, 1344 00:59:28,031 --> 00:59:29,339 I'm going to strangle this motherfucker. 1345 00:59:29,766 --> 00:59:33,339 You should be ashamed of yourself for fucking arranging this bullshit! 1346 00:59:33,803 --> 00:59:35,373 Well, I feel very relaxed, 1347 00:59:35,438 --> 00:59:37,714 and I think this was a good use of a Groupon. 1348 00:59:37,974 --> 00:59:39,544 You fucked us, buddy! 1349 00:59:40,210 --> 00:59:42,747 Five more minutes till you get to choose amongst four 1350 00:59:42,812 --> 00:59:45,156 artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen. 1351 00:59:47,117 --> 00:59:48,653 We can't let tonight end like this, boys. 1352 00:59:48,718 --> 00:59:49,788 We got to go out. 1353 00:59:49,886 --> 00:59:52,025 I'm telling you, I can't let my son have a... 1354 00:59:52,155 --> 00:59:55,796 My son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this. 1355 00:59:56,126 --> 00:59:58,970 You fucking... You guys got your face covered in leprechaun shit. 1356 00:59:59,663 --> 01:00:01,301 We should be getting whacked off, 1357 01:00:01,364 --> 01:00:03,366 all of us, as a fucking team! 1358 01:00:04,167 --> 01:00:07,171 Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night. 1359 01:00:07,604 --> 01:00:10,483 Besides, it's not like you can throw together a whole other party this late. 1360 01:00:10,573 --> 01:00:14,578 I could have six chicks making out with each other on our laps in 10 minutes. 1361 01:00:15,412 --> 01:00:16,823 I could stay out a little later. 1362 01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:18,448 Bam! 1363 01:00:18,915 --> 01:00:21,589 We gonna get our dicks sucked. 1364 01:00:22,485 --> 01:00:23,555 There it is. 1365 01:00:23,653 --> 01:00:26,156 Unless, Mrs. Ravensdale, you want to whip them knockers out? 1366 01:00:26,222 --> 01:00:27,257 We'd love to see them. 1367 01:00:27,390 --> 01:00:28,425 All right, you know what? 1368 01:00:28,491 --> 01:00:31,529 You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, 1369 01:00:31,594 --> 01:00:34,131 caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, 1370 01:00:34,197 --> 01:00:36,700 obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole 1371 01:00:36,766 --> 01:00:39,542 who I would like to fuck hard and long! 1372 01:00:40,937 --> 01:00:42,348 So, I'm going to go put a dent in that. 1373 01:00:42,405 --> 01:00:44,009 You guys get that green jizz off your face. 1374 01:00:44,074 --> 01:00:45,144 I'll be back in 20. 1375 01:00:45,508 --> 01:00:46,612 We're going out, boys! 1376 01:00:47,177 --> 01:00:48,884 Hey, this is the shit, this place, I'm telling you. 1377 01:00:48,945 --> 01:00:51,289 The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets. 1378 01:00:51,347 --> 01:00:52,519 - You have to eat one. - All right. 1379 01:00:52,582 --> 01:00:54,584 - Donny! - Yeah, this is who I was telling you about! 1380 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,187 - What's up? Give me that. - I'm so happy to see you. 1381 01:00:56,252 --> 01:00:58,095 - You look so fucking cute! - I know, right? 1382 01:00:58,922 --> 01:01:02,096 And you brought a military man. 1383 01:01:02,158 --> 01:01:03,728 What's your name, soldier? 1384 01:01:03,893 --> 01:01:06,430 Chad Martin, private first class, United States Marine Corps. 1385 01:01:06,730 --> 01:01:09,904 You think you can keep that dick at attention for a couple hours? 1386 01:01:09,966 --> 01:01:11,104 That's an order! 1387 01:01:12,202 --> 01:01:13,306 Already on it. 1388 01:01:14,137 --> 01:01:15,275 Look at my man! 1389 01:01:15,338 --> 01:01:17,648 You guys, let me get in here and introduce myself. 1390 01:01:17,707 --> 01:01:19,880 Hello. I'm Phil. I'm married with four children, 1391 01:01:19,943 --> 01:01:22,890 and I have actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life: 1392 01:01:22,946 --> 01:01:24,152 my wife's, my baby's 1393 01:01:24,214 --> 01:01:27,354 and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike. 1394 01:01:27,817 --> 01:01:29,956 Well, here's number four, baby! 1395 01:01:30,887 --> 01:01:33,458 I'm going to count that as numbers four and five. 1396 01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:56,717 Champale would like to dedicate this 1397 01:01:56,780 --> 01:01:58,987 to Mr. Todd Peterson. 1398 01:02:00,717 --> 01:02:02,253 - Yeah, baby. Yeah. - Here you go. 1399 01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:04,790 Oh, hey. 1400 01:02:04,854 --> 01:02:05,958 Do you want any eggs? 1401 01:02:06,022 --> 01:02:08,332 No. I really have to watch what I eat. 1402 01:02:08,391 --> 01:02:10,029 No fatty foods. But thank you. 1403 01:02:10,260 --> 01:02:11,500 I'm Brie. 1404 01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:12,972 I'm Todd. Nice to meet you. 1405 01:02:13,029 --> 01:02:15,908 I know who you are, Han Solo. 1406 01:02:17,267 --> 01:02:18,507 No, you can't... 1407 01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,343 Don't worry, your secret's safe. 1408 01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:53,338 Who did that? 1409 01:03:26,102 --> 01:03:27,911 - Gerald, get in the car. - I love you, Donny! 1410 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:29,041 Yeah, I love you. Get in there. 1411 01:03:29,105 --> 01:03:30,550 Man, you got to give me the recipe, man. 1412 01:03:30,607 --> 01:03:32,177 Can't buy everything, Spirou! 1413 01:03:32,242 --> 01:03:33,812 Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter. 1414 01:03:33,877 --> 01:03:34,947 That's the big secret. 1415 01:03:35,011 --> 01:03:36,319 Okay, Chris, get him in there. 1416 01:03:36,379 --> 01:03:38,689 Be gentle, he's protecting our country. 1417 01:03:38,781 --> 01:03:39,851 All right, good night, guys! 1418 01:03:41,684 --> 01:03:43,994 Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy! 1419 01:03:44,153 --> 01:03:45,427 Whoa. 1420 01:03:45,521 --> 01:03:47,626 Hey, what... Where's everybody going? 1421 01:03:47,690 --> 01:03:49,260 I sent them home, guy. 1422 01:03:49,325 --> 01:03:51,430 I thought we could have a little 1423 01:03:51,494 --> 01:03:54,202 best man/groom alone time. 1424 01:03:54,664 --> 01:03:55,972 But shouldn't I go with them? 1425 01:03:56,032 --> 01:03:57,875 'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me. 1426 01:03:58,234 --> 01:03:59,406 Easy,guy. 1427 01:03:59,469 --> 01:04:03,611 You're gonna have plenty of time for her to be mad at you when you're married. 1428 01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:08,155 I got you a wedding gift, and I want to give it to you alone, all right? 1429 01:04:08,211 --> 01:04:09,281 You got me a gift? 1430 01:04:09,379 --> 01:04:10,653 Of course I got you. 1431 01:04:10,713 --> 01:04:13,216 And I think you might dig it. 1432 01:04:18,321 --> 01:04:19,356 An earring. 1433 01:04:19,822 --> 01:04:24,202 Yeah, I know, but that's an earring that your mom gave me, 1434 01:04:24,260 --> 01:04:26,706 and I thought maybe we could keep it in the family, you know? 1435 01:04:26,763 --> 01:04:30,040 Just kind of keep it going, generation to generation, actually. 1436 01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:34,311 Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny. 1437 01:04:35,138 --> 01:04:36,344 Yeah. 1438 01:04:37,607 --> 01:04:38,711 No. 1439 01:04:39,342 --> 01:04:40,548 Yeah. 1440 01:04:43,579 --> 01:04:44,785 All right, fuck it, fuck it. 1441 01:04:44,847 --> 01:04:46,053 Do it, just do it. 1442 01:04:46,683 --> 01:04:47,718 It's not gonna hurt, buddy. 1443 01:04:47,784 --> 01:04:49,058 You got a nice buzz going. 1444 01:04:49,118 --> 01:04:50,426 Yeah, I got it, I got it. 1445 01:04:50,486 --> 01:04:51,726 Hang on. 1446 01:04:52,021 --> 01:04:53,261 Yeah. 1447 01:04:53,356 --> 01:04:54,357 Liquor it up. 1448 01:04:54,424 --> 01:04:55,732 Fuck! 1449 01:04:55,792 --> 01:04:57,135 Come here. Come here. 1450 01:04:58,394 --> 01:05:00,237 Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie. 1451 01:05:02,465 --> 01:05:03,705 Yeah! 1452 01:05:05,535 --> 01:05:06,809 How we doing? 1453 01:05:07,203 --> 01:05:08,204 Oh, God. 1454 01:05:08,271 --> 01:05:10,182 That's it. That's the way to man up. 1455 01:05:10,707 --> 01:05:12,448 - That wasn't so bad. - Let me see it. 1456 01:05:13,042 --> 01:05:14,646 Am I bleeding? 1457 01:05:16,612 --> 01:05:17,886 - I don't think so. - No? 1458 01:05:18,348 --> 01:05:19,588 Does it look good? 1459 01:05:19,682 --> 01:05:22,424 You look like you could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit. 1460 01:05:22,485 --> 01:05:23,589 You look like a bad-ass. 1461 01:05:23,886 --> 01:05:25,422 - Really? - Yeah. 1462 01:05:25,621 --> 01:05:27,931 'Cause it makes me feel kind of... 1463 01:05:28,891 --> 01:05:30,131 Dangerous. 1464 01:05:32,328 --> 01:05:33,568 There he is, man! 1465 01:05:33,629 --> 01:05:36,371 That's your personality, like when you were seven years old, 1466 01:05:36,466 --> 01:05:39,709 me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from you. 1467 01:05:40,336 --> 01:05:42,145 Uncle Vanny, that's right. 1468 01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:43,946 What happened to that guy? 1469 01:05:44,607 --> 01:05:46,553 Dude, you know what it's time for? 1470 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:49,753 To get you back together with the old gang. 1471 01:05:51,047 --> 01:05:52,287 Come on. 1472 01:05:52,382 --> 01:05:54,362 I just hope the guy will talk to me. 1473 01:05:54,817 --> 01:05:55,921 Phil! 1474 01:05:55,985 --> 01:05:58,192 Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy. 1475 01:05:58,921 --> 01:06:00,958 I shouldn't be doing this. 1476 01:06:01,824 --> 01:06:03,599 No, don't stop, don't stop. 1477 01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:18,881 All right, look. I came here to tell you I'm sorry 1478 01:06:18,975 --> 01:06:21,421 about what happened with me and your mother. 1479 01:06:21,944 --> 01:06:24,788 It was an accident, and it will never happen again. 1480 01:06:26,649 --> 01:06:29,459 That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man, a simple apology. 1481 01:06:29,519 --> 01:06:30,725 It's water under the bridge. 1482 01:06:30,787 --> 01:06:32,164 Don't sweat it. Holla. 1483 01:06:33,489 --> 01:06:35,400 Wait, are you Vanilla Ice? 1484 01:06:36,559 --> 01:06:38,869 Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time? 1485 01:06:39,062 --> 01:06:40,200 'Who did you think I was? 1486 01:06:40,263 --> 01:06:43,608 I don't know, a friend of my dad's that wore a lot of parachute pants? 1487 01:06:44,434 --> 01:06:45,504 Man. 1488 01:06:45,568 --> 01:06:47,172 I want to be honest with you, too. 1489 01:06:47,503 --> 01:06:50,006 I never did knock boots with your mother. 1490 01:06:50,406 --> 01:06:51,510 - No? - No. 1491 01:06:51,574 --> 01:06:53,178 I think she whacked me off outside the pants. 1492 01:06:53,810 --> 01:06:55,414 - No. - But I didn't finish. 1493 01:06:55,478 --> 01:06:57,185 - Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't. - Yeah? 1494 01:06:57,447 --> 01:06:59,154 - Mom. - Yeah. 1495 01:06:59,215 --> 01:07:00,489 You know, she did like to fuck. 1496 01:07:00,950 --> 01:07:02,020 That's fucking... Look at him. 1497 01:07:02,085 --> 01:07:03,792 Back to it. Fuck, yeah. 1498 01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:05,499 Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man. 1499 01:07:05,555 --> 01:07:06,590 Thank you. 1500 01:07:06,656 --> 01:07:07,964 - You lost some weight. - Is this kid all right? 1501 01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:09,833 - You're not a little fat kid no more. - No, no, no. 1502 01:07:09,892 --> 01:07:11,030 - Remember this one? - No,no. 1503 01:07:11,094 --> 01:07:12,664 Yeah, we used to do this to you all the time. 1504 01:07:12,728 --> 01:07:14,469 - Remember, back in the day? - Hey, nugget pocket. 1505 01:07:14,530 --> 01:07:16,339 - Nugget pockets. - No, I'm not a nugget pocket. 1506 01:07:16,399 --> 01:07:18,276 - What's up, nugget pocket? - No. 1507 01:07:18,801 --> 01:07:20,109 No, but seriously, Iceberg, 1508 01:07:20,169 --> 01:07:21,910 me and my boy got a little head start on you, 1509 01:07:21,971 --> 01:07:24,611 but you got any desire to get wasted with us? 1510 01:07:24,674 --> 01:07:26,449 More than life itself. 1511 01:07:26,509 --> 01:07:28,955 In fact, I might have a little head start on you guys. 1512 01:07:29,946 --> 01:07:31,448 What? 1513 01:07:32,515 --> 01:07:34,051 - Yeah. - It's so illegal. 1514 01:07:34,383 --> 01:07:36,192 I don't want to do that in front of my kid. 1515 01:07:36,252 --> 01:07:38,129 Turn around for a minute. Just turn around. 1516 01:07:38,387 --> 01:07:39,866 Give me that fucking shit. 1517 01:07:41,257 --> 01:07:42,600 What? 1518 01:07:43,793 --> 01:07:45,534 Hey, let's get out of here. 1519 01:07:45,595 --> 01:07:46,767 I did not do that. 1520 01:07:46,829 --> 01:07:48,740 - Let's go have some fun. - Hey! 1521 01:07:49,098 --> 01:07:51,135 Hey, where you think you're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream? 1522 01:07:51,501 --> 01:07:52,741 I'm going out for the night, man. 1523 01:07:52,802 --> 01:07:55,749 Hell no, man! You know I don't know how to fry no damn chicken nuggets! 1524 01:07:55,805 --> 01:07:56,875 It's Todd Bridges. 1525 01:07:56,939 --> 01:07:58,475 Yeah, yeah, watch this. 1526 01:07:58,541 --> 01:08:00,043 What you talking 'bout, Willis? 1527 01:08:00,209 --> 01:08:01,620 You come back and say that to my face, 1528 01:08:01,677 --> 01:08:03,350 you fake white rapping motherfucker! 1529 01:08:03,546 --> 01:08:04,854 Todd, seriously, though, you look great. 1530 01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,587 How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh? 1531 01:08:07,550 --> 01:08:09,120 Mister... Fuck you! 1532 01:08:09,185 --> 01:08:10,562 "Mr. Drummond. Mister... " 1533 01:08:11,354 --> 01:08:13,163 Man, I... What you want? 1534 01:08:13,222 --> 01:08:14,326 Bowl of chili nuggets. 1535 01:08:14,390 --> 01:08:15,391 A what? 1536 01:08:15,458 --> 01:08:17,529 You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man! 1537 01:08:19,095 --> 01:08:20,768 Shit, it is. Damn it. 1538 01:08:21,497 --> 01:08:23,909 Fucking skate! Just fucking skate! 1539 01:08:24,534 --> 01:08:25,979 The Berger boys are here! 1540 01:08:26,035 --> 01:08:27,708 Come on, look out! Look out, now! 1541 01:08:27,770 --> 01:08:28,942 What the fuck? 1542 01:08:32,575 --> 01:08:35,181 Hey! Give me my hat back! 1543 01:08:37,213 --> 01:08:38,988 - Do it, do it! - Give it back! 1544 01:08:41,384 --> 01:08:43,864 Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it? 1545 01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:45,091 Oh. my God! 1546 01:08:47,323 --> 01:08:49,166 You fucking assholes! 1547 01:08:55,565 --> 01:08:56,737 Go, go! 1548 01:09:00,469 --> 01:09:01,573 What the... Go! 1549 01:09:02,205 --> 01:09:03,377 Go, go, go! 1550 01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:05,077 What the fuck? Get out of here! 1551 01:09:05,808 --> 01:09:06,912 Holy shit! 1552 01:09:09,478 --> 01:09:12,721 You know, they seem like fun guys. 1553 01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:15,819 We're all gonna dive! Let's go! 1554 01:09:16,986 --> 01:09:18,090 What are you doing? 1555 01:09:26,596 --> 01:09:27,904 Oh. my God! 1556 01:09:27,964 --> 01:09:30,103 I didn't... I didn't spill my beer! 1557 01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:31,509 I fucking love it. 1558 01:09:32,935 --> 01:09:34,642 - Fuck! - You fucking hard-ons! 1559 01:09:49,685 --> 01:09:51,323 "You fucking hard-ons. " 1560 01:09:58,728 --> 01:09:59,900 Fucking... 1561 01:10:00,630 --> 01:10:03,167 - What are you doing? - No, no, no, no! 1562 01:10:05,935 --> 01:10:08,939 - You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot! - Yeah! 1563 01:10:10,006 --> 01:10:11,849 Look at this, fuck face. Look at this. 1564 01:10:12,642 --> 01:10:14,212 What the fuck? 1565 01:10:14,777 --> 01:10:15,812 Come on. 1566 01:10:15,878 --> 01:10:17,789 - You fucking guy. I say, take it. - I can't. 1567 01:10:17,880 --> 01:10:18,915 - Just go, go, go, go, go. - No, wait, wait. 1568 01:10:18,981 --> 01:10:20,255 Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. 1569 01:10:20,316 --> 01:10:22,626 I changed my mind. I'm scared. I don't want to do it. 1570 01:10:22,685 --> 01:10:24,062 - Oh, man. - I can't do it. 1571 01:10:24,453 --> 01:10:25,932 You're rubbing your underwear. 1572 01:10:26,255 --> 01:10:28,064 What is that? Why are you doing that? 1573 01:10:28,257 --> 01:10:30,032 I suppose I'm the reason. 1574 01:10:30,326 --> 01:10:32,704 Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade 1575 01:10:32,762 --> 01:10:34,298 when you were supposed to pick me up after school, 1576 01:10:34,363 --> 01:10:35,842 you left me waiting for five hours? 1577 01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:38,378 I had detention myself, guy. 1578 01:10:38,434 --> 01:10:39,970 What the fuck was I supposed to do? 1579 01:10:40,269 --> 01:10:42,749 - Yeah, well, I shit in my pants. - All right. 1580 01:10:42,805 --> 01:10:45,445 - Then I had to walk all the way home alone. - All right. 1581 01:10:45,508 --> 01:10:46,612 With shit in my pants. 1582 01:10:46,742 --> 01:10:49,689 Dude, I promise you, I'll never forget you again. 1583 01:10:49,779 --> 01:10:51,156 I swear to God. 1584 01:10:51,213 --> 01:10:52,283 Throw the fucking things away. 1585 01:10:52,381 --> 01:10:54,383 - Don't fuck with me - Throw them away. 1586 01:10:55,384 --> 01:10:58,695 Throw them away. Throw them away. 1587 01:10:58,754 --> 01:11:00,631 Get rid of the fucking underwear, you don't need that. 1588 01:11:00,723 --> 01:11:01,997 You're better than that, guy. 1589 01:11:02,458 --> 01:11:03,960 Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it. 1590 01:11:04,360 --> 01:11:06,101 Squeeze it out and fucking... Yeah. 1591 01:11:09,632 --> 01:11:10,770 You're a good kid. 1592 01:11:10,833 --> 01:11:13,609 Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking. 1593 01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:15,411 - All right. All right? - Here we go. 1594 01:11:15,471 --> 01:11:17,075 - Come on. Push, push. I got you. - Okay. 1595 01:11:17,139 --> 01:11:18,777 - I'm not good at it. - All right. 1596 01:11:18,841 --> 01:11:20,115 It's balance, it's just balance. 1597 01:11:20,176 --> 01:11:21,746 You got this, kid. You're an athlete. 1598 01:11:21,811 --> 01:11:23,757 You got it. No, it's in you, buddy. 1599 01:11:23,813 --> 01:11:24,848 - Straight. - I don't know how. 1600 01:11:24,914 --> 01:11:26,086 I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall. 1601 01:11:26,148 --> 01:11:27,821 - Don't let me go. - I won't let you fall. 1602 01:11:27,883 --> 01:11:29,123 - Don't let go. - All right, I'm still with you. 1603 01:11:29,185 --> 01:11:30,186 - Okay. - I'm still with you. 1604 01:11:30,252 --> 01:11:32,391 Let's pick up some speed, though. I'm with you, guy. 1605 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:33,763 I'm with you. I'm with you. 1606 01:11:33,823 --> 01:11:34,961 - I'm not letting go. - Don't let me go. 1607 01:11:35,024 --> 01:11:37,197 I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy. 1608 01:11:37,259 --> 01:11:38,795 - Wait... - I'm with you, my boy! 1609 01:11:38,861 --> 01:11:41,307 - Yeah, that's all you! - I'm doing it! 1610 01:11:41,664 --> 01:11:43,666 - Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby! - I'm doing it! 1611 01:11:45,000 --> 01:11:46,536 Oh. my God! 1612 01:11:49,138 --> 01:11:50,276 Are you... 1613 01:11:50,339 --> 01:11:51,374 Kid, are you... 1614 01:11:51,440 --> 01:11:52,783 Are you all right, buddy? 1615 01:11:52,975 --> 01:11:54,147 Sorry. 1616 01:11:54,210 --> 01:11:56,121 - Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife! - What the fuck? 1617 01:11:56,178 --> 01:11:57,953 - No! - Fucking naked people. 1618 01:11:58,013 --> 01:11:59,617 I'm gonna fucking kill you! 1619 01:11:59,682 --> 01:12:01,025 Oh, my God, they're chasing me! 1620 01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:02,357 What the fuck? Get off him! 1621 01:12:02,618 --> 01:12:03,619 Go! 1622 01:12:03,686 --> 01:12:04,926 - Oh, my God! Look out! - Go! 1623 01:12:06,689 --> 01:12:08,100 Keep going, guy! 1624 01:12:08,157 --> 01:12:09,636 Donny! 1625 01:12:11,594 --> 01:12:12,800 - Yeah! - You're the best. 1626 01:12:12,862 --> 01:12:14,102 - You are, Jay. - Good luck! 1627 01:12:14,163 --> 01:12:15,608 I like your fucking hairdo! 1628 01:12:15,664 --> 01:12:18,144 Good luck with the taxi business! 1629 01:12:18,200 --> 01:12:20,202 - Love that guy. - Classic. Classic. 1630 01:12:20,469 --> 01:12:21,743 Classic. 1631 01:12:21,837 --> 01:12:23,248 It's a classic night. 1632 01:12:23,305 --> 01:12:25,945 No way! Party's not over! 1633 01:12:26,342 --> 01:12:27,719 Come on! 1634 01:12:30,513 --> 01:12:31,992 Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up. 1635 01:12:34,250 --> 01:12:35,593 I love you, son. 1636 01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:41,259 I do. 1637 01:12:41,323 --> 01:12:42,631 I've always loved you, all right? 1638 01:12:44,427 --> 01:12:46,100 Sorry to spring that on you like that. 1639 01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,530 It's all right. 1640 01:12:47,596 --> 01:12:49,667 It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you. 1641 01:12:49,732 --> 01:12:51,143 Hansie, Hansie. 1642 01:12:52,234 --> 01:12:55,909 Why don't you not call me "Donny" when no one's around. 1643 01:12:55,971 --> 01:12:57,507 You can call me "Dad. " 1644 01:12:58,774 --> 01:13:00,151 Yeah, I know, I know. 1645 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:01,415 It's... 1646 01:13:02,778 --> 01:13:04,917 I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny. 1647 01:13:04,980 --> 01:13:06,323 - You know? - Yeah, yeah. 1648 01:13:08,083 --> 01:13:09,153 No prob. 1649 01:13:22,731 --> 01:13:23,903 Sorry. 1650 01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:26,974 Sorry if you fucking don't like me. 1651 01:13:31,507 --> 01:13:34,454 I probably would've fucked my teacher, too. 1652 01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:38,957 Yeah. 1653 01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:40,758 But... 1654 01:13:51,594 --> 01:13:54,541 So, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow? 1655 01:13:56,065 --> 01:13:58,136 Wait, you'll go to the prison? 1656 01:13:58,667 --> 01:14:00,374 Yeah, I'll go. 1657 01:14:01,904 --> 01:14:03,679 No. No,no,no,no,no 1658 01:14:03,739 --> 01:14:06,242 That's... They canceled that. 1659 01:14:06,308 --> 01:14:12,350 I talked to the warden, and he says that your mother was just pulling our leg. 1660 01:14:12,414 --> 01:14:14,223 She's only got the chicken pox. 1661 01:14:14,850 --> 01:14:16,989 - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 1662 01:14:17,052 --> 01:14:18,963 She said she was dying because 1663 01:14:19,021 --> 01:14:21,831 they give you better food if you're wicked sick like that, 1664 01:14:21,891 --> 01:14:26,203 like Beefaroni or microwave pizza or some shit, so... 1665 01:14:27,730 --> 01:14:29,300 That just made me hungry. 1666 01:14:29,932 --> 01:14:31,502 Well, check your pockets. 1667 01:14:38,040 --> 01:14:39,451 A treasure! 1668 01:14:39,942 --> 01:14:40,977 Come on, eat it. 1669 01:14:41,043 --> 01:14:42,613 - No, it's nasty. - Come on, I'm telling you. 1670 01:14:42,678 --> 01:14:44,680 Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing. 1671 01:14:44,747 --> 01:14:46,488 Yeah. You like that. 1672 01:14:46,549 --> 01:14:47,619 Pretty good. 1673 01:14:48,984 --> 01:14:51,487 Look at me, I'm a fountain! 1674 01:14:51,554 --> 01:14:52,965 Throw a penny in here! 1675 01:14:53,022 --> 01:14:55,024 Make a wish, motherfucker! 1676 01:15:12,207 --> 01:15:13,584 What the... 1677 01:15:13,709 --> 01:15:16,246 Grandma D, what's going on? What are you doing here? 1678 01:15:16,512 --> 01:15:18,583 Well, you've had the fantasy, 1679 01:15:19,448 --> 01:15:22,622 so now it's time that you try the real thing. 1680 01:15:26,855 --> 01:15:29,131 No, no, no, I can't do that. 1681 01:15:29,191 --> 01:15:30,534 I'm sorry. 1682 01:15:30,593 --> 01:15:32,197 I appreciate the offer. 1683 01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:34,841 No, no, no, don't. 1684 01:15:34,897 --> 01:15:37,377 I can't. Don't you... I shouldn't. 1685 01:15:39,301 --> 01:15:41,577 Oh, God. 1686 01:15:42,371 --> 01:15:44,715 You got the old-timey bathing suit on. 1687 01:15:47,576 --> 01:15:48,884 Okay, I'm in. 1688 01:15:49,979 --> 01:15:53,722 I'm going to ride you like a Model T. 1689 01:16:00,889 --> 01:16:02,368 Yeah. 1690 01:16:11,700 --> 01:16:13,236 Jamie. 1691 01:16:14,203 --> 01:16:16,149 You're wearing your dress again. 1692 01:16:17,373 --> 01:16:19,284 You look beautiful. 1693 01:16:20,275 --> 01:16:21,948 I want you so bad. 1694 01:16:22,711 --> 01:16:24,213 Be nice to me. 1695 01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:26,489 Make me feel good. 1696 01:16:31,353 --> 01:16:33,162 All right, all right. 1697 01:16:33,489 --> 01:16:36,766 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 1698 01:16:49,405 --> 01:16:51,351 Oh. my God! 1699 01:16:51,740 --> 01:16:52,912 Help me! 1700 01:16:54,109 --> 01:16:55,144 What happened? 1701 01:16:55,210 --> 01:16:56,245 Are you okay? 1702 01:16:56,645 --> 01:16:58,283 Do I sound okay? 1703 01:16:58,580 --> 01:17:01,083 You puked all over my wedding dress! 1704 01:17:01,817 --> 01:17:03,558 Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers! 1705 01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:07,561 Sorry, I heard you scream. 1706 01:17:07,623 --> 01:17:09,466 I thought Jamie was getting murdered, 1707 01:17:09,525 --> 01:17:11,436 so I was gonna fucking smack someone around. 1708 01:17:11,894 --> 01:17:13,464 - What happened? - I don't know! 1709 01:17:13,829 --> 01:17:16,332 I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! 1710 01:17:16,398 --> 01:17:19,675 And something else, something sticky. 1711 01:17:38,153 --> 01:17:39,223 It's jizz. 1712 01:17:41,123 --> 01:17:43,967 You puked on my dress and then fucked it! 1713 01:17:45,928 --> 01:17:47,874 You're a madman. 1714 01:17:47,930 --> 01:17:49,671 No, no, no, no. No. 1715 01:17:49,965 --> 01:17:51,603 - Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy. - You shut up. 1716 01:17:51,667 --> 01:17:52,737 Donny, just shut up! 1717 01:17:52,801 --> 01:17:54,144 Who wants a piece of this, huh? 1718 01:17:54,203 --> 01:17:55,944 - Who wants a piece? - Whoa, no, no, no! 1719 01:17:56,105 --> 01:17:57,175 It's okay, buddy. 1720 01:17:57,239 --> 01:17:58,946 Todd just fucked the dress. 1721 01:17:59,341 --> 01:18:00,479 It's under control. 1722 01:18:01,610 --> 01:18:03,351 What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room? 1723 01:18:04,413 --> 01:18:07,792 He's my other best friend. 1724 01:18:08,083 --> 01:18:09,619 Yeah. And a wicked good rapper. 1725 01:18:09,685 --> 01:18:11,392 Give it up for him. Come on, now. 1726 01:18:11,787 --> 01:18:13,824 - Let's give it up. - My boy. 1727 01:18:14,056 --> 01:18:15,091 I don't know what's going on here, 1728 01:18:15,157 --> 01:18:16,636 but I don't have time to deal with this, so... 1729 01:18:17,559 --> 01:18:19,266 Okay, this is what's gonna happen. 1730 01:18:19,328 --> 01:18:21,330 I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go to Pilates. 1731 01:18:21,396 --> 01:18:23,342 You're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners! 1732 01:18:23,398 --> 01:18:25,139 And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight, 1733 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,146 and you're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right? 1734 01:18:27,402 --> 01:18:30,815 And you can start by taking out that stupid Duran Duran earring! 1735 01:18:31,140 --> 01:18:32,483 I was thinking it's more Foreigner. 1736 01:18:32,541 --> 01:18:34,885 No? No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though. 1737 01:18:39,148 --> 01:18:41,355 Guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores. 1738 01:18:41,416 --> 01:18:42,486 - Yeah. - Is that all right? 1739 01:18:42,551 --> 01:18:43,621 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Have fun, buddy. Have fun. 1740 01:18:43,685 --> 01:18:44,823 Not too much, though. Don't hurt her. 1741 01:18:44,887 --> 01:18:46,298 No, no. I get it right and keep it tight. 1742 01:18:46,355 --> 01:18:47,766 Okay. 1743 01:18:48,824 --> 01:18:50,826 Look, I need a couple hours to fix this. 1744 01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:54,397 Hey, we've all been in that situation, and you'll be fine, kid. 1745 01:18:54,696 --> 01:18:57,142 I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right? 1746 01:18:57,199 --> 01:18:58,542 - All right. - I love it. 1747 01:19:00,569 --> 01:19:02,571 You jizzed on a mannequin. 1748 01:19:02,638 --> 01:19:03,878 Respect it. 1749 01:19:05,641 --> 01:19:07,848 But you were only 13. 1750 01:19:08,343 --> 01:19:09,947 She took advantage of you. 1751 01:19:10,012 --> 01:19:12,583 No, all right. That's what the law says, Su-Jin, 1752 01:19:12,815 --> 01:19:15,421 but I don't know... We were kind of like soul mates. 1753 01:19:15,484 --> 01:19:17,157 You know, there was... There was a connection there. 1754 01:19:17,219 --> 01:19:18,721 I never had it with anyone else. 1755 01:19:19,254 --> 01:19:20,995 I'm getting a call. I'm sorry, guys. 1756 01:19:21,056 --> 01:19:23,058 Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them. 1757 01:19:23,125 --> 01:19:24,126 Okay, Su-Jin? 1758 01:19:25,160 --> 01:19:26,264 Go for Donny B. 1759 01:19:26,628 --> 01:19:28,039 'Wassup! 1760 01:19:28,463 --> 01:19:31,171 Hey, big man. What's going on? 1761 01:19:31,233 --> 01:19:32,234 How'd it go with the lady? 1762 01:19:32,301 --> 01:19:33,803 You patch things up? 1763 01:19:34,203 --> 01:19:35,705 Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing. 1764 01:19:35,771 --> 01:19:39,617 The dry cleaner said they've definitely seen that combo of fluid before. 1765 01:19:39,675 --> 01:19:42,747 You see? Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic. 1766 01:19:43,412 --> 01:19:45,153 Hey, listen, while I got you, 1767 01:19:45,214 --> 01:19:47,524 I left you a little best man gift on your dresser. 1768 01:19:47,583 --> 01:19:48,823 I think you'll get a kick out of it. 1769 01:19:49,117 --> 01:19:51,461 You did not. Oh, my God. 1770 01:19:51,520 --> 01:19:54,592 My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that. 1771 01:19:54,656 --> 01:19:56,135 Buddy, no one gets me a gift. 1772 01:19:56,325 --> 01:19:58,327 - Where are you, anyways? - I'm in the car. 1773 01:19:58,393 --> 01:20:00,304 I decided to go see Mom after all. 1774 01:20:01,363 --> 01:20:02,433 You did what? 1775 01:20:03,966 --> 01:20:05,343 Oh, my God. Dukes of Hazzard! 1776 01:20:24,052 --> 01:20:25,326 Hansie. 1777 01:20:25,387 --> 01:20:27,094 Donny, what are you doing here? 1778 01:20:27,155 --> 01:20:28,725 We got to get out of here now. 1779 01:20:29,024 --> 01:20:30,332 What? What are you talking about? 1780 01:20:30,392 --> 01:20:31,837 It's your wedding weekend, dude. 1781 01:20:31,894 --> 01:20:32,895 You come here after the wedding. 1782 01:20:32,961 --> 01:20:34,201 You show your mother your new ring. 1783 01:20:34,263 --> 01:20:35,640 That would make her happy. 1784 01:20:35,931 --> 01:20:37,740 Wait, are you nervous to see her? 1785 01:20:37,966 --> 01:20:41,641 Hansie, can we just blow this place off and have a beer, please? I'm begging you. 1786 01:20:41,703 --> 01:20:42,807 Look. Is that her? 1787 01:21:12,100 --> 01:21:13,773 Oh, my God. 1788 01:21:14,369 --> 01:21:15,871 There you are. 1789 01:21:16,738 --> 01:21:19,548 My little Hansie, you're all grown up. 1790 01:21:20,208 --> 01:21:21,312 Hi, Mom. 1791 01:21:21,677 --> 01:21:23,418 I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. 1792 01:21:23,845 --> 01:21:25,483 I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting. 1793 01:21:25,547 --> 01:21:26,548 It just got too hard. 1794 01:21:26,615 --> 01:21:28,822 No, I totally understand. 1795 01:21:29,952 --> 01:21:31,295 Wow. 1796 01:21:31,486 --> 01:21:32,692 You still have my eyes. 1797 01:21:34,022 --> 01:21:38,129 Is that the earring that I gave you after the Loverboy concert? 1798 01:21:41,363 --> 01:21:43,400 Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle. 1799 01:21:43,632 --> 01:21:46,442 You know, I think about you every day. 1800 01:21:46,501 --> 01:21:49,482 Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle. I never stopped. 1801 01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:51,843 I love you, too. 1802 01:21:53,442 --> 01:21:54,580 Do you remember... 1803 01:21:55,143 --> 01:21:56,178 Oh, God, here we go. 1804 01:21:56,678 --> 01:22:00,717 ...all the nasty things that I taught you, Donny? 1805 01:22:02,384 --> 01:22:04,830 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do, Miss McGarricle. 1806 01:22:05,153 --> 01:22:07,793 Are you still my dirty boy? 1807 01:22:08,724 --> 01:22:12,672 Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle. 1808 01:22:13,462 --> 01:22:14,634 Donny. 1809 01:22:16,498 --> 01:22:17,806 Oh, fuck, yeah. 1810 01:22:24,339 --> 01:22:26,842 I'm hard right now. I'm hard. 1811 01:22:27,376 --> 01:22:29,617 Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so... 1812 01:22:30,479 --> 01:22:33,153 But it is really good to see you, Mom. I... 1813 01:22:33,215 --> 01:22:34,387 It's good to see you, too, baby. 1814 01:22:35,217 --> 01:22:37,993 Can you describe what you're feeling right now, Han? 1815 01:22:38,387 --> 01:22:39,991 TV's Randall Morgan? 1816 01:22:40,722 --> 01:22:42,201 What are you doing here? 1817 01:22:42,257 --> 01:22:45,295 Must be quite emotional for you to be face-to-face 1818 01:22:45,360 --> 01:22:47,806 with the woman who molested your father, isn't it? 1819 01:22:48,096 --> 01:22:50,406 - What is going on right now? - Who is this dude? 1820 01:22:50,465 --> 01:22:52,376 Listen, before you get mad at me... 1821 01:22:52,434 --> 01:22:54,107 This is why you came to see me? 1822 01:22:54,436 --> 01:22:56,313 For some reality TV ambush? 1823 01:22:56,405 --> 01:22:58,180 - No. - How much they paying you, Donny? 1824 01:22:58,273 --> 01:22:59,877 Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting... 1825 01:22:59,941 --> 01:23:03,388 Fifty thousand dollars to deliver you to this prison. 1826 01:23:03,712 --> 01:23:06,249 All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not... I'm not... 1827 01:23:06,314 --> 01:23:07,884 I'm not going to do it. I swear to God. 1828 01:23:07,949 --> 01:23:09,428 I'm not... I would never take his money. 1829 01:23:09,484 --> 01:23:10,690 Donny Berger, what have you done? 1830 01:23:10,986 --> 01:23:12,397 Hansie, dude, it's me. 1831 01:23:12,754 --> 01:23:14,028 It's the guy from last night. 1832 01:23:14,089 --> 01:23:15,432 We had fun. Don't fuck it. 1833 01:23:15,490 --> 01:23:16,594 I'm telling you, this is... 1834 01:23:16,658 --> 01:23:17,728 This is something that can be fixed. 1835 01:23:18,093 --> 01:23:19,367 - You're unreal. - Hansie. 1836 01:23:20,429 --> 01:23:21,430 What... 1837 01:23:21,496 --> 01:23:23,999 You go after him, Donny, and you take care of our son. 1838 01:23:24,332 --> 01:23:27,176 - Hansie. - Come on, he is pissed. Fuck! 1839 01:23:27,502 --> 01:23:29,641 - Take care of our baby, Donny! - Hansie! 1840 01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:31,882 Hansie, please, let me explain to you... 1841 01:23:31,940 --> 01:23:33,817 I can't believe I let you back into my life again. 1842 01:23:33,909 --> 01:23:36,185 Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me. 1843 01:23:36,545 --> 01:23:38,388 I owe the IRS a lot of money. 1844 01:23:38,447 --> 01:23:40,688 - Of course you do. - I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up. 1845 01:23:40,749 --> 01:23:43,958 But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday, I'm going to prison. 1846 01:23:44,286 --> 01:23:46,027 Wait, so you're telling me, 1847 01:23:46,088 --> 01:23:48,398 if I give you 43 grand, you don't have to go to jail? 1848 01:23:49,658 --> 01:23:51,638 I will pay you back, I swear to God. 1849 01:23:51,693 --> 01:23:53,104 Would you loan me the money? 1850 01:23:53,295 --> 01:23:54,899 No! Fuck you! 1851 01:23:54,963 --> 01:23:57,000 - Get your shit out of my boss's house! - Okay! 1852 01:23:58,033 --> 01:23:59,341 No! Don't do that. 1853 01:23:59,401 --> 01:24:01,381 That's my boy there. 1854 01:24:03,405 --> 01:24:04,611 No. 1855 01:24:04,673 --> 01:24:06,414 I think he just shit his pants. 1856 01:24:06,475 --> 01:24:08,148 Tell me you got that on camera. 1857 01:24:08,410 --> 01:24:10,390 You made me throw out my extra underwear! 1858 01:24:10,445 --> 01:24:13,654 I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to shit yourself again. 1859 01:24:13,882 --> 01:24:15,088 That was awesome. 1860 01:24:15,417 --> 01:24:16,691 That was awesome. 1861 01:24:17,018 --> 01:24:19,294 Donny, couldn't have gone any better. Loved it. 1862 01:24:19,354 --> 01:24:21,095 You know what I need from you, Todd, is I need you 1863 01:24:21,189 --> 01:24:23,465 - to sign the release form right... - Fuck you! 1864 01:24:24,326 --> 01:24:25,396 Get away from me! 1865 01:24:25,460 --> 01:24:26,962 Get those cameras off me! 1866 01:24:28,763 --> 01:24:31,471 I hate you, Dad. 1867 01:24:35,403 --> 01:24:36,780 Hansie! 1868 01:24:37,539 --> 01:24:40,679 I can't pay you a dime unless I got a release form. 1869 01:24:41,443 --> 01:24:42,888 Fuck. 1870 01:24:42,944 --> 01:24:44,514 Did I get any shit on me? 1871 01:25:13,375 --> 01:25:16,049 Let me off here. Let me off. Let me get off. I'll fucking run up. 1872 01:25:16,378 --> 01:25:17,584 Keep it running. 1873 01:25:17,646 --> 01:25:19,023 I got to pick my shit up. 1874 01:25:39,701 --> 01:25:41,203 You're so adorable. 1875 01:25:42,170 --> 01:25:44,446 No, I know, but I told you not to call me on this line. 1876 01:25:44,506 --> 01:25:46,008 What if Todd picks up? 1877 01:25:48,009 --> 01:25:50,649 No, no, no, I want to. 1878 01:25:52,514 --> 01:25:53,720 No, Steve. 1879 01:25:53,782 --> 01:25:55,386 Todd doesn't know anything. 1880 01:25:55,550 --> 01:25:58,087 I don't care if he finds out after the wedding. 1881 01:25:58,186 --> 01:25:59,563 There's nothing he can do about it then anyway. 1882 01:26:00,722 --> 01:26:02,167 You're so sweet. 1883 01:26:02,224 --> 01:26:03,862 Steve, huh? 1884 01:26:04,993 --> 01:26:08,463 Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up. 1885 01:26:09,197 --> 01:26:12,269 I'm going to fuck you up! 1886 01:26:14,970 --> 01:26:17,007 Well, I got some great news. 1887 01:26:17,272 --> 01:26:19,616 I've made my decision on who my new partner is. 1888 01:26:21,910 --> 01:26:23,253 Phil! 1889 01:26:23,311 --> 01:26:25,257 Phil, I knew you could do it. 1890 01:26:25,313 --> 01:26:26,792 Look at Phil's face. 1891 01:26:26,848 --> 01:26:29,294 I'm just busting your balls, Phil. 1892 01:26:29,351 --> 01:26:31,024 No, I'd never pick you. 1893 01:26:31,086 --> 01:26:32,326 Oh, no. 1894 01:26:32,420 --> 01:26:34,923 It's you, Todd. Partners. 1895 01:26:36,224 --> 01:26:37,362 Partner. 1896 01:26:37,425 --> 01:26:38,426 Oh, my gosh. 1897 01:26:38,493 --> 01:26:40,803 It's going to be a lot more hours and a lot more responsibility. 1898 01:26:40,862 --> 01:26:42,068 You know that, right? 1899 01:26:42,130 --> 01:26:44,474 And a lot more money! 1900 01:26:48,270 --> 01:26:50,011 - Somebody's going shopping! - Yeah! 1901 01:26:52,007 --> 01:26:53,315 I thought he left. 1902 01:26:53,375 --> 01:26:55,082 Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve. 1903 01:26:55,143 --> 01:26:57,180 I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah. 1904 01:26:57,245 --> 01:26:58,280 Hey, Jamie. 1905 01:26:58,947 --> 01:27:00,017 Listen. Listen. 1906 01:27:00,081 --> 01:27:02,925 Dude, this is not about you and me, all right? 1907 01:27:03,485 --> 01:27:04,987 You're not marrying the right girl. 1908 01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:06,157 She is cheating on you. 1909 01:27:06,721 --> 01:27:08,098 You are unbelievable. 1910 01:27:08,156 --> 01:27:09,226 Can't you just let it go? 1911 01:27:09,291 --> 01:27:10,599 This is my last chance to be normal. 1912 01:27:10,659 --> 01:27:11,933 Are you determined to ruin my life? 1913 01:27:12,627 --> 01:27:14,402 - Honey, what's going on? - Nothing. 1914 01:27:14,462 --> 01:27:16,840 Don't "honey" him, you little snake in the grass. 1915 01:27:17,198 --> 01:27:18,700 I heard your phone call. 1916 01:27:18,767 --> 01:27:21,714 "Steve, why'd you call on this line? 1917 01:27:21,770 --> 01:27:23,181 "Todd could have picked up. " 1918 01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:24,475 That's right, sonny boy. 1919 01:27:24,539 --> 01:27:26,416 Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss. 1920 01:27:26,708 --> 01:27:27,778 Right there. 1921 01:27:28,143 --> 01:27:29,247 Fuck you, buddy. 1922 01:27:29,511 --> 01:27:31,388 You are an idiot! 1923 01:27:31,446 --> 01:27:32,584 Is that right, sweetheart? 1924 01:27:32,647 --> 01:27:34,092 - Yes, it is. - Yeah, yeah. Why? 1925 01:27:34,149 --> 01:27:36,527 I was on the phone with Steve. 1926 01:27:36,785 --> 01:27:40,858 Steve Goldstein, the Boston Herald wedding reporter. 1927 01:27:41,189 --> 01:27:44,136 Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most beautiful places to get married, 1928 01:27:44,192 --> 01:27:46,695 and I didn't want Todd to know because he doesn't like being in the paper. 1929 01:27:46,795 --> 01:27:49,901 So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world 1930 01:27:49,964 --> 01:27:51,966 to know I married the perfect guy. 1931 01:27:52,033 --> 01:27:56,209 Honey, do you think you can forgive me for keeping such a big secret from you? 1932 01:27:58,773 --> 01:28:02,220 Okay, due to this newfound evidence, 1933 01:28:03,211 --> 01:28:06,158 the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole. 1934 01:28:07,215 --> 01:28:08,285 Bye. 1935 01:28:10,385 --> 01:28:11,955 Fine. 1936 01:28:12,020 --> 01:28:13,158 Have a good wedding. 1937 01:28:15,323 --> 01:28:16,859 I'll leave with pride. 1938 01:28:17,425 --> 01:28:18,768 I'm a good person. 1939 01:28:20,962 --> 01:28:23,135 Bye! I'll see you tomorrow! 1940 01:28:28,002 --> 01:28:29,538 Wow, what a stressful day, huh? 1941 01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:31,575 - Can't wait to get back to the beach house. - Thank you. 1942 01:28:31,639 --> 01:28:33,619 - Bye. - Just the two of us, you know? 1943 01:28:33,942 --> 01:28:36,286 No, honey. I'm staying in the city tonight, remember? 1944 01:28:36,511 --> 01:28:38,184 - What? No. - Yeah, the bride and groom, 1945 01:28:38,246 --> 01:28:40,522 they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding. 1946 01:28:40,582 --> 01:28:41,822 So see you tomorrow, big guy. 1947 01:28:41,883 --> 01:28:43,760 I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley. 1948 01:28:43,885 --> 01:28:45,922 Mom and Dad, you guys got the hedgehog. Okay! 1949 01:28:46,221 --> 01:28:47,291 - Love you. - Watch the door. 1950 01:28:47,355 --> 01:28:49,130 - Love you. Okay. - Sleep well. 1951 01:28:49,491 --> 01:28:51,266 Wait, but don't they not have a car? 1952 01:28:57,065 --> 01:28:59,204 All right, Donny, go. There's your chance. Go. 1953 01:28:59,267 --> 01:29:01,178 I ain't got no more chances, buddy. 1954 01:29:01,236 --> 01:29:02,943 The kid hates my guts. 1955 01:29:03,204 --> 01:29:04,808 Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car. 1956 01:29:04,873 --> 01:29:06,409 I'm not talking about him, Donny. 1957 01:29:07,075 --> 01:29:08,713 - Wake up, man. - What? 1958 01:29:09,110 --> 01:29:11,215 Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son. 1959 01:29:11,513 --> 01:29:14,926 - Yeah? - Win her over, then she'll convince Han 1960 01:29:15,250 --> 01:29:17,287 to give you another chance. Boom! 1961 01:29:18,119 --> 01:29:21,692 How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me. 1962 01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:24,636 Donny, you want to know what all women love? 1963 01:29:25,593 --> 01:29:27,038 Ice cream. 1964 01:29:36,104 --> 01:29:38,015 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 1965 01:29:38,540 --> 01:29:40,417 No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. 1966 01:29:40,475 --> 01:29:42,386 You fucked your teacher in the seventh grade. 1967 01:29:45,680 --> 01:29:47,421 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 1968 01:29:47,482 --> 01:29:49,189 Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you? 1969 01:29:49,584 --> 01:29:51,564 What room was my fiancée in again? 1970 01:29:51,686 --> 01:29:53,962 Let me check. 641. 1971 01:29:54,322 --> 01:29:55,528 You're a fucking stud. 1972 01:29:57,358 --> 01:29:59,304 Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here 1973 01:29:59,360 --> 01:30:01,431 using a fake name, you go with it! 1974 01:30:01,496 --> 01:30:03,032 All right, I will. 1975 01:30:08,236 --> 01:30:10,842 641. 641. 1976 01:30:10,905 --> 01:30:12,976 All right, come on, sweetheart. 1977 01:30:13,074 --> 01:30:14,951 Oh, yeah! 1978 01:30:17,245 --> 01:30:18,349 What, did Todd come out here? 1979 01:30:18,413 --> 01:30:20,222 You're half the size of Todd 1980 01:30:20,281 --> 01:30:22,989 but you use it so much better! 1981 01:30:23,051 --> 01:30:25,190 I guess not. 1982 01:30:25,253 --> 01:30:26,323 Oh. my God! 1983 01:30:26,387 --> 01:30:27,866 Oh, my God. 1984 01:30:27,922 --> 01:30:29,299 Oh. my God! 1985 01:30:29,357 --> 01:30:31,064 Oh, my God. 1986 01:30:32,126 --> 01:30:33,730 Fucking shit! 1987 01:30:33,795 --> 01:30:35,103 Fucking shit. 1988 01:30:35,163 --> 01:30:36,233 Fucking shit! 1989 01:30:36,297 --> 01:30:37,332 Fucking shit. 1990 01:30:39,234 --> 01:30:40,611 Yeah. Okay. 1991 01:30:41,069 --> 01:30:42,912 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1992 01:31:05,393 --> 01:31:06,838 Okay. 1993 01:31:09,430 --> 01:31:11,239 Yeah! 1994 01:31:11,766 --> 01:31:13,837 You do not deserve these treats. 1995 01:31:16,337 --> 01:31:17,441 Are you finished, sweetheart? 1996 01:31:18,273 --> 01:31:19,411 Oh, my God. 1997 01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,947 Your fiancé's at home, you know. 1998 01:31:23,378 --> 01:31:25,016 This really gets me upset. 1999 01:31:25,079 --> 01:31:26,490 You know why? 2000 01:31:26,548 --> 01:31:28,186 'Cause he's too good for you. 2001 01:31:28,716 --> 01:31:30,423 He is. 2002 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:33,432 And you're sitting here gallivanting with... 2003 01:31:33,488 --> 01:31:35,559 I think I know who. 2004 01:31:35,657 --> 01:31:39,161 Don't I, Mr. Steve Goldstein? 2005 01:31:44,465 --> 01:31:46,775 Wait. Are you... 2006 01:31:47,635 --> 01:31:48,978 What am I seeing? 2007 01:31:49,270 --> 01:31:50,977 No... It... 2008 01:31:52,307 --> 01:31:53,377 With each other? 2009 01:31:54,776 --> 01:31:56,551 Am I... This is... 2010 01:31:59,681 --> 01:32:02,491 Is he your stepbrother at least 2011 01:32:02,550 --> 01:32:04,791 or adopted or something? 2012 01:32:06,087 --> 01:32:07,293 No reply. - 2013 01:32:07,355 --> 01:32:08,356 So it's real. 2014 01:32:08,423 --> 01:32:09,663 Oh, my God. 2015 01:32:09,724 --> 01:32:11,169 Donny, Donny, you don't... 2016 01:32:11,225 --> 01:32:12,636 You don't understand what's going on here. 2017 01:32:12,694 --> 01:32:16,073 I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here. 2018 01:32:16,397 --> 01:32:20,174 Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married, 2019 01:32:20,234 --> 01:32:22,043 and we're going to have a great life together. 2020 01:32:22,136 --> 01:32:25,777 And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time. 2021 01:32:27,208 --> 01:32:28,482 It's what good-looking people do. 2022 01:32:28,543 --> 01:32:30,648 They have sex with other good-looking people. 2023 01:32:30,945 --> 01:32:32,549 You know? Just so happens that 2024 01:32:32,614 --> 01:32:36,255 this one particular good-looking person is my little brother. 2025 01:32:36,317 --> 01:32:37,921 Okay. 2026 01:32:37,986 --> 01:32:39,897 It's all making sense to me now. 2027 01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:45,766 I know that sounded bad, but, Donny, this was going to be the last time. 2028 01:32:45,860 --> 01:32:48,101 I would never carry on with a married woman. 2029 01:32:48,363 --> 01:32:50,866 I've got better morals than that, Donny. 2030 01:32:52,300 --> 01:32:55,338 Chad, adultery is bad, 2031 01:32:57,238 --> 01:33:00,981 but incest is fucked up! 2032 01:33:02,977 --> 01:33:06,083 Please don't let him tell Mommy about our secret tickle time. 2033 01:33:06,280 --> 01:33:08,123 "Secret tickle time"? 2034 01:33:08,182 --> 01:33:10,253 You got a name for it? 2035 01:33:11,886 --> 01:33:15,732 And with a United States military man, no less. 2036 01:33:16,057 --> 01:33:18,594 You are a disgrace to that uniform! 2037 01:33:18,660 --> 01:33:20,105 No, he's not a Marine. 2038 01:33:20,161 --> 01:33:21,469 He buys those uniforms on eBay 2039 01:33:21,529 --> 01:33:24,066 so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer. 2040 01:33:24,399 --> 01:33:25,537 What? 2041 01:33:25,600 --> 01:33:28,137 That's possibly worse than the incest thing. 2042 01:33:28,636 --> 01:33:31,082 This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd. 2043 01:33:31,139 --> 01:33:33,449 - No, he won't believe you. - Yeah, he will. 2044 01:33:33,708 --> 01:33:36,712 No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story. 2045 01:33:37,011 --> 01:33:39,924 Come on, you think he got that partnership on his own? 2046 01:33:39,981 --> 01:33:41,358 With that "beep boop beep" shit? 2047 01:33:41,416 --> 01:33:42,451 No, I gave him a boost. 2048 01:33:43,217 --> 01:33:45,356 How many people have you fucked? 2049 01:33:45,953 --> 01:33:48,058 Well, maybe he'll believe this. 2050 01:33:51,426 --> 01:33:53,303 Nice. Save. 2051 01:33:55,263 --> 01:33:56,799 You two have fun together. 2052 01:33:57,432 --> 01:33:58,604 Sickies. 2053 01:33:58,666 --> 01:34:00,145 All right, how much? 2054 01:34:00,668 --> 01:34:01,874 I'm going to be a very rich woman. 2055 01:34:01,936 --> 01:34:03,472 I can write you a big fat check. 2056 01:34:03,838 --> 01:34:05,749 What's it going to take for this to go away? 2057 01:34:06,174 --> 01:34:09,621 Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens. 2058 01:34:10,545 --> 01:34:12,991 What do you think he's going to do when he finds out about this? 2059 01:34:13,648 --> 01:34:15,457 Todd's happy. - 2060 01:34:15,516 --> 01:34:17,359 You really want to take that away? 2061 01:34:37,672 --> 01:34:38,912 Hey, buddy. 2062 01:34:40,174 --> 01:34:42,620 I got something to tell you, and... 2063 01:34:43,745 --> 01:34:46,021 I'm not expecting you to believe this, but... 2064 01:34:48,182 --> 01:34:49,718 I got the money. 2065 01:34:49,817 --> 01:34:51,057 That's great, Donny. 2066 01:34:51,419 --> 01:34:53,023 Your son came through for you, didn't he? 2067 01:34:53,221 --> 01:34:57,135 Yeah. His fiancée gave me $50,000 2068 01:34:57,191 --> 01:35:00,604 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother. 2069 01:35:00,661 --> 01:35:02,299 Yeah, I've been there. 2070 01:35:02,430 --> 01:35:03,670 We've all been there. 2071 01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:06,679 She said it was her last time, so... 2072 01:35:07,835 --> 01:35:09,075 Maybe things will work out. 2073 01:35:09,837 --> 01:35:11,976 Then how come I feel like shit right now? 2074 01:35:12,807 --> 01:35:14,445 Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket. 2075 01:35:14,709 --> 01:35:16,052 But the good news is 2076 01:35:16,110 --> 01:35:18,681 you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny? 2077 01:35:20,248 --> 01:35:21,420 Donny? 2078 01:35:33,461 --> 01:35:34,997 "Go do something. " 2079 01:35:36,564 --> 01:35:40,011 I don't know, Mr. Mitty. I don't know if I can fucking handle it. 2080 01:35:41,903 --> 01:35:44,315 "Be a good person. " 2081 01:35:46,307 --> 01:35:47,474 Donny? 2082 01:35:54,882 --> 01:35:56,293 - No, no, don't hit me. - No, no. 2083 01:35:56,350 --> 01:35:59,126 Just give me a moment, please, Todd. Just a moment. Relax. 2084 01:35:59,754 --> 01:36:01,791 You know, after praying with the monsignor, 2085 01:36:02,256 --> 01:36:06,534 I realize that I committed the sin of prideful anger in the church, 2086 01:36:07,228 --> 01:36:09,868 and I hope that you'll accept my apology 2087 01:36:09,931 --> 01:36:13,640 and allow me the honor of being a part of this joyous day. 2088 01:36:14,235 --> 01:36:15,908 Well, what about Father Shakalu? 2089 01:36:17,572 --> 01:36:18,949 Stupid bird. 2090 01:36:19,006 --> 01:36:20,451 Come on, fly! 2091 01:36:21,075 --> 01:36:23,055 Well, he's cool. 2092 01:36:24,011 --> 01:36:25,456 Great. Sounds good. 2093 01:36:26,981 --> 01:36:28,289 By the way, Todd 2094 01:36:29,250 --> 01:36:31,127 was it you that hit me in the head with the bottle? 2095 01:36:32,587 --> 01:36:33,657 No. 2096 01:36:34,088 --> 01:36:36,125 Well, then, who, then? 2097 01:36:37,525 --> 01:36:38,595 It was Chad. 2098 01:36:39,360 --> 01:36:40,737 Interesting. 2099 01:36:41,796 --> 01:36:43,400 Two, three, four. 2100 01:36:43,464 --> 01:36:44,602 Fosse, and Fosse, 2101 01:36:45,266 --> 01:36:46,802 - and Fosse. - Interesting. 2102 01:36:48,870 --> 01:36:50,816 Yo! Donny Berger! All right! 2103 01:36:50,872 --> 01:36:54,081 I'd sign something for you, buddy, but I got no time right now. 2104 01:36:54,141 --> 01:36:55,484 Ice! 2105 01:36:55,543 --> 01:36:57,045 Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you! 2106 01:36:58,880 --> 01:37:00,018 You still got the 5.0? 2107 01:37:02,350 --> 01:37:04,694 What does that mean? Is that a yes or no? I don't understand the pose. 2108 01:37:04,752 --> 01:37:06,595 Yeah? Let's go, let's go! 2109 01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:19,342 Go. baby, go! 2110 01:37:52,733 --> 01:37:53,905 No! 2111 01:38:19,493 --> 01:38:20,665 Look at this fucking guy! 2112 01:38:22,663 --> 01:38:23,698 Man! 2113 01:38:36,310 --> 01:38:38,916 No, no, no, no, no! We're stuck! We're stuck! 2114 01:38:38,980 --> 01:38:41,085 To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man. 2115 01:38:41,148 --> 01:38:43,389 - But we need great tunes! - Come on, let's get them! 2116 01:38:44,318 --> 01:38:45,797 Right here, I got a Walkman. 2117 01:38:45,853 --> 01:38:47,161 - The Walkman! - Yeah, baby. 2118 01:38:49,290 --> 01:38:50,325 Let's go! 2119 01:38:53,894 --> 01:38:55,373 - Damn it, man! - Come on! Let's go! 2120 01:38:55,429 --> 01:38:56,533 Oh. my God! 2121 01:38:59,333 --> 01:39:00,835 Hey! 2122 01:39:10,945 --> 01:39:13,391 You forgot to pay! 2123 01:39:13,614 --> 01:39:16,857 So, Jamie, do you promise to provide Todd here 2124 01:39:16,917 --> 01:39:20,364 with unending empathy, encouragement and honesty, 2125 01:39:21,222 --> 01:39:22,428 till death do you part? 2126 01:39:22,957 --> 01:39:24,027 I do. 2127 01:39:28,396 --> 01:39:30,171 Hey, Donny. Come on! 2128 01:39:37,138 --> 01:39:38,515 What are you doing, guy? 2129 01:39:38,906 --> 01:39:40,408 You jumped? 2130 01:39:40,474 --> 01:39:42,317 There was a door right here! 2131 01:39:42,376 --> 01:39:44,378 Come on, we got to get there! 2132 01:39:46,881 --> 01:39:48,485 And you, Todd, do you promise to love, 2133 01:39:48,549 --> 01:39:52,258 honor and protect this special lady for the rest of your life? 2134 01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:56,661 Don't answer that question! 2135 01:40:02,563 --> 01:40:03,735 Oh, shit. 2136 01:40:06,867 --> 01:40:10,144 We ran well over a mile. 2137 01:40:22,950 --> 01:40:25,021 I object to these two getting married. 2138 01:40:26,887 --> 01:40:30,198 No, we're past that part already. 2139 01:40:31,025 --> 01:40:32,231 What are my options, then? 2140 01:40:32,293 --> 01:40:33,328 How about leaving? 2141 01:40:33,461 --> 01:40:36,135 You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag! 2142 01:40:36,397 --> 01:40:37,398 Hey! 2143 01:40:37,465 --> 01:40:39,877 Gerald! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh, 2144 01:40:39,934 --> 01:40:42,312 but you'll understand why I said that in a few minutes. 2145 01:40:42,369 --> 01:40:43,746 There ain't gonna be a few minutes, 2146 01:40:43,804 --> 01:40:45,477 - you goddamn son of a bitch! - Calm down! 2147 01:40:45,539 --> 01:40:46,643 Calm down! 2148 01:40:48,242 --> 01:40:49,778 Let the boy talk. 2149 01:40:49,877 --> 01:40:51,686 I can't let you marry this chick. 2150 01:40:52,012 --> 01:40:53,047 I can't believe you're doing this. 2151 01:40:53,114 --> 01:40:54,616 Listen to me, buddy. 2152 01:40:55,116 --> 01:40:56,857 You don't love this girl. 2153 01:40:56,917 --> 01:40:59,158 I'm telling you. I had love, it's different. 2154 01:40:59,220 --> 01:41:00,893 It's a different feeling. 2155 01:41:01,222 --> 01:41:02,826 Love is like... 2156 01:41:03,591 --> 01:41:06,333 It just leads you to a special connection. 2157 01:41:06,393 --> 01:41:09,931 It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. 2158 01:41:10,030 --> 01:41:13,034 And the feelings you... 2159 01:41:13,100 --> 01:41:14,670 That wrap around you. 2160 01:41:15,202 --> 01:41:17,273 It's deep in your stomach. 2161 01:41:17,338 --> 01:41:19,511 It's in your head. It's in your fucking nut sack. 2162 01:41:20,641 --> 01:41:22,177 It's in your dick when it gets hard. 2163 01:41:22,243 --> 01:41:23,722 There's still love at the tip. 2164 01:41:23,911 --> 01:41:25,754 And it fucking sprinkles out 2165 01:41:26,547 --> 01:41:29,653 like morning dew shooting all over the grass. 2166 01:41:30,151 --> 01:41:32,427 Okay, I've had just about enough of this. 2167 01:41:32,553 --> 01:41:35,056 Phil, sit down before I tell your wife what you did at the strip club. 2168 01:41:35,189 --> 01:41:36,293 Okay. 2169 01:41:38,092 --> 01:41:42,438 Son, I'm sorry, I just... I can't let you marry this skank. 2170 01:41:42,696 --> 01:41:43,697 "Son?" 2171 01:41:44,131 --> 01:41:45,610 - Your son? - Son? 2172 01:41:45,866 --> 01:41:47,243 What is he talking about? 2173 01:41:47,701 --> 01:41:50,580 Honey? You can tell me. 2174 01:41:51,405 --> 01:41:53,078 I'll forgive you. 2175 01:41:53,674 --> 01:41:56,314 That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness. 2176 01:41:57,745 --> 01:41:59,122 All right, fine. 2177 01:42:00,881 --> 01:42:02,952 Donny's not my best friend. 2178 01:42:03,517 --> 01:42:04,757 He's my father. 2179 01:42:05,219 --> 01:42:06,254 Oh' 2180 01:42:06,320 --> 01:42:09,130 My parents didn't die in an explosion. 2181 01:42:09,190 --> 01:42:10,794 I lied because I'm the product of 2182 01:42:10,858 --> 01:42:13,566 an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. 2183 01:42:13,627 --> 01:42:15,834 Teacher-student relationship? 2184 01:42:17,498 --> 01:42:18,875 Do you know how gross that sounds? 2185 01:42:18,933 --> 01:42:19,934 You're disgusting! 2186 01:42:20,467 --> 01:42:22,208 Are you fucking kidding me right now? 2187 01:42:22,503 --> 01:42:24,346 She can still cancel that check, Donny! 2188 01:42:24,505 --> 01:42:25,506 Chad. 2189 01:42:25,739 --> 01:42:27,013 Cancel what check? 2190 01:42:27,074 --> 01:42:28,075 I don't... 2191 01:42:28,142 --> 01:42:30,782 She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut. 2192 01:42:32,146 --> 01:42:33,955 Fifty grand? Jamie. 2193 01:42:34,014 --> 01:42:36,756 Yeah, it was... I was gonna hold on to it, 2194 01:42:36,817 --> 01:42:38,854 you know, to get me out ofjail, but... 2195 01:42:39,753 --> 01:42:41,562 Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that. 2196 01:42:41,622 --> 01:42:43,363 That's how much I hate this fucking whore. 2197 01:42:43,424 --> 01:42:45,267 Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what? 2198 01:42:45,326 --> 01:42:46,464 Todd, don't listen to him. 2199 01:42:46,694 --> 01:42:48,469 He's a liar and he's crazy! 2200 01:42:48,529 --> 01:42:50,531 Father McNally, please continue. I promise to do 2201 01:42:50,598 --> 01:42:52,305 all that shit you mentioned and so does Todd, right? 2202 01:42:52,366 --> 01:42:53,936 Wait, what is going on? 2203 01:42:54,001 --> 01:42:55,036 Tell him. 2204 01:42:56,437 --> 01:42:58,314 No, no, no, no, no. Don't tell him, don't tell him. 2205 01:42:58,572 --> 01:43:00,848 You tell him or I'll tell everybody here. It's up to you. 2206 01:43:07,214 --> 01:43:08,249 Come on. 2207 01:43:21,929 --> 01:43:23,374 Okay. Well, that's not that bad. 2208 01:43:23,631 --> 01:43:26,771 What? You didn't tell him, you fucking lying piece of shit! 2209 01:43:26,834 --> 01:43:29,440 Get on it now or I'll fucking crush you! 2210 01:43:29,503 --> 01:43:30,538 No. 2211 01:43:31,138 --> 01:43:34,051 Jame, you can tell me. 2212 01:43:34,108 --> 01:43:35,746 I mean, how bad could it be? 2213 01:43:59,333 --> 01:44:00,368 What? 2214 01:44:00,434 --> 01:44:01,845 Okay, she told him. 2215 01:44:03,771 --> 01:44:05,307 What? 2216 01:44:10,544 --> 01:44:12,353 You fuck your brother? 2217 01:44:12,646 --> 01:44:14,216 Oh. my God! 2218 01:44:16,183 --> 01:44:18,390 Fucking white people. 2219 01:44:20,921 --> 01:44:23,925 I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad? 2220 01:44:24,658 --> 01:44:25,966 I'm out of here. 2221 01:44:26,026 --> 01:44:28,632 Mom, she started all this. 2222 01:44:28,696 --> 01:44:31,108 I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I... 2223 01:44:31,298 --> 01:44:33,437 - Fuck! - Take that uniform off. 2224 01:44:33,500 --> 01:44:35,377 You're insulting us all. 2225 01:44:35,436 --> 01:44:37,143 No, no, no. Don't you see? 2226 01:44:37,671 --> 01:44:39,173 It's gonna be even better now. 2227 01:44:39,940 --> 01:44:41,817 You're a mess, I'm a mess. 2228 01:44:42,142 --> 01:44:44,952 Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here! 2229 01:44:45,012 --> 01:44:46,719 I got to be part of this shit? 2230 01:44:46,880 --> 01:44:47,950 Todd? 2231 01:44:48,315 --> 01:44:49,692 Please. 2232 01:44:56,090 --> 01:44:58,434 Come on, baby. Come on, Todd, let's do this. 2233 01:44:58,492 --> 01:44:59,527 Yeah, yeah. 2234 01:44:59,893 --> 01:45:02,703 No! Let's not do this. 2235 01:45:03,130 --> 01:45:04,438 Okay? 2236 01:45:04,898 --> 01:45:08,505 And for the record, my name's not Todd Peterson. 2237 01:45:09,002 --> 01:45:10,913 It's Han Solo. 2238 01:45:10,971 --> 01:45:14,942 Named after the man who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. 2239 01:45:15,008 --> 01:45:18,114 And I am a Berger, like my father before me. 2240 01:45:18,379 --> 01:45:20,882 Also, I want to tell everyone here that I've got a pretty huge 2241 01:45:20,948 --> 01:45:22,985 New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back. 2242 01:45:23,050 --> 01:45:25,291 The heads are warped, but fuck you guys, it's funny. 2243 01:45:25,452 --> 01:45:27,159 It is fucking hilarious. 2244 01:45:27,354 --> 01:45:28,389 And Steve? 2245 01:45:28,822 --> 01:45:32,360 Nothing personal, man, but I quit! 2246 01:45:32,726 --> 01:45:35,070 No, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that. 2247 01:45:36,363 --> 01:45:38,036 We quit, too. 2248 01:45:38,098 --> 01:45:39,168 Fuck you! 2249 01:45:39,566 --> 01:45:40,772 Good call, Han Solo, 2250 01:45:40,834 --> 01:45:42,973 'cause your fiancée banged him, too. 2251 01:45:43,036 --> 01:45:44,037 What? 2252 01:45:44,104 --> 01:45:46,015 I didn't know about the brother thing, though. 2253 01:45:46,073 --> 01:45:48,451 I am as sickened as you, believe me. 2254 01:45:48,509 --> 01:45:50,284 You know what? It's all right, Steve. 2255 01:45:50,344 --> 01:45:51,482 'Cause guess what? 2256 01:45:51,545 --> 01:45:54,082 Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom! 2257 01:45:55,315 --> 01:45:57,420 Vanilla Ice banged Grandma? 2258 01:45:57,484 --> 01:45:59,794 That's fucking awesome! 2259 01:46:02,456 --> 01:46:03,935 Donny, look out! 2260 01:46:08,195 --> 01:46:09,936 Word to your mother, brotherfucker! 2261 01:46:10,664 --> 01:46:12,610 I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick, 2262 01:46:12,666 --> 01:46:14,509 but I got to tell you, it felt good. 2263 01:46:14,568 --> 01:46:16,172 I mean, I wouldn't do it again, 2264 01:46:16,236 --> 01:46:18,477 but with this psycho, you know, it was warranted. 2265 01:46:18,539 --> 01:46:20,143 Donny! I'm gonna kill you! 2266 01:46:23,944 --> 01:46:25,446 At ease, bitch. 2267 01:46:25,512 --> 01:46:28,049 Dude! That's it! Nice! 2268 01:46:28,115 --> 01:46:29,287 Hang on, though. Hang on. 2269 01:46:29,349 --> 01:46:30,794 No, don't hurt me. 2270 01:46:35,055 --> 01:46:36,557 Even Steven. 2271 01:46:37,090 --> 01:46:39,627 Father, take off the collar. 2272 01:46:40,461 --> 01:46:42,634 That's right. You're not meant for this. 2273 01:46:43,831 --> 01:46:45,208 - Well... - Yeah. 2274 01:46:45,566 --> 01:46:46,909 Nicely done. 2275 01:46:46,967 --> 01:46:48,412 All right, come on. 2276 01:46:48,969 --> 01:46:50,277 Let's get out of here, Dad. 2277 01:46:51,472 --> 01:46:53,884 Did you hear that? Did you hear that? 2278 01:46:53,941 --> 01:46:55,978 My son called me "Dad!" 2279 01:46:56,610 --> 01:46:57,918 He called me "Dad!" 2280 01:46:57,978 --> 01:47:00,424 That's right! The Berger boys are back, bitches! 2281 01:47:00,481 --> 01:47:02,324 Wassup? 2282 01:47:02,616 --> 01:47:03,788 Wassup? 2283 01:47:04,051 --> 01:47:05,655 Wassup... 2284 01:47:13,827 --> 01:47:15,033 Shut up. 2285 01:47:15,095 --> 01:47:17,405 His boss and her brother? 2286 01:47:17,464 --> 01:47:19,068 It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, 2287 01:47:19,132 --> 01:47:21,134 but it actually happened to my boy here! 2288 01:47:21,535 --> 01:47:24,106 Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls. 2289 01:47:24,171 --> 01:47:26,117 One that don't care about all that money he make. 2290 01:47:26,173 --> 01:47:28,619 - No, no. - Yeah, like a girl version 2291 01:47:28,675 --> 01:47:30,780 - of Todd Bridges would be perfect. - That's right! 2292 01:47:30,844 --> 01:47:32,187 Female version of me. That's right. 2293 01:47:32,246 --> 01:47:35,090 Well, you know, I actually might be doing okay in that department, so... 2294 01:47:35,349 --> 01:47:36,384 What's that? 2295 01:47:36,450 --> 01:47:37,622 What the fuck... What the heck? 2296 01:47:37,684 --> 01:47:40,665 Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree. 2297 01:47:40,921 --> 01:47:43,401 I have balls down to my knee! 2298 01:47:43,857 --> 01:47:45,928 - What? - He said it! Yeah! 2299 01:47:46,393 --> 01:47:48,066 - Donny! - Yeah, buddy? 2300 01:47:48,395 --> 01:47:50,966 You're my best friend. I'm gonna miss you. 2301 01:47:52,199 --> 01:47:53,678 I know, I know. 2302 01:47:53,734 --> 01:47:54,804 But there's good news. 2303 01:47:54,868 --> 01:47:56,939 You know what, Miss McGarricle gets out in three years, 2304 01:47:57,004 --> 01:48:00,417 so the timing's kind of perfect for us to start our lives together. 2305 01:48:00,674 --> 01:48:01,914 Dad, let me just give you the money. 2306 01:48:02,175 --> 01:48:03,984 No. No. I'm not gonna do that. 2307 01:48:04,044 --> 01:48:08,015 It's time for Donny Berger to take responsibility for his screw-ups. 2308 01:48:08,348 --> 01:48:10,885 I made my bed, now I got to lie in it. 2309 01:48:11,151 --> 01:48:13,153 Donny! Donny! Are you watching? 2310 01:48:13,220 --> 01:48:14,858 Turn on the TV! Turn it on! 2311 01:48:15,122 --> 01:48:18,831 There he is, the fat guy we've been talking about all day, Tubby Tuke, 2312 01:48:18,892 --> 01:48:22,465 actually gaining on the Ethiopians here in the final stretch. 2313 01:48:22,529 --> 01:48:24,805 Is this the fat guy I put the money on? 2314 01:48:24,865 --> 01:48:26,811 Twenty bucks at 8,000-to-1. 2315 01:48:27,935 --> 01:48:29,539 - A hundred and sixty grand? - A hundred and sixty grand? 2316 01:48:29,603 --> 01:48:31,105 Come on, you fat shit, move it! 2317 01:48:31,238 --> 01:48:32,774 Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby! 2318 01:48:33,173 --> 01:48:34,675 Keep running! Keep running! 2319 01:48:35,609 --> 01:48:37,350 Pass those Ethiopians! 2320 01:48:37,644 --> 01:48:39,749 Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians! 2321 01:48:41,815 --> 01:48:44,955 This defies every law of science, but it's happening! 2322 01:48:48,488 --> 01:48:50,161 Get the fuck up! 2323 01:48:50,223 --> 01:48:51,497 Get the fuck up! 2324 01:48:54,194 --> 01:48:55,832 He's up! He's up! He's up! 2325 01:48:58,799 --> 01:49:01,370 - That'll replenish him! That'll replenish him! - No! 2326 01:49:02,536 --> 01:49:04,015 Listen to the roar of that crowd. 2327 01:49:04,071 --> 01:49:05,550 Fat guy! Fat guy! 2328 01:49:05,606 --> 01:49:07,449 Fat guy! Fat guy! 2329 01:49:07,641 --> 01:49:09,211 Can he possibly win it? 2330 01:49:09,443 --> 01:49:10,478 He's gonna do it! 2331 01:49:12,512 --> 01:49:13,923 Tubby Tuke has won! 2332 01:49:20,420 --> 01:49:23,060 Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins!