1 00:00:18,708 --> 00:00:21,707 [Quiet brass fanfare] 2 00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:51,249 [Rippling piano and strings] 3 00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:08,290 [Tyres screech] 4 00:01:11,416 --> 00:01:14,415 [Children's voices] 5 00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:19,207  " 6 00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,957 [Flies buzz] 7 00:02:06,625 --> 00:02:10,249 [Birds sing, dogs bark] 8 00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:22,249  " 9 00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,999 Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour of muddy puddles. 10 00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,540 Her birthmark, the colour of poo. 11 00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:57,374 [Dogs whimper] 12 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,749 [Dogs bark] 13 00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:08,374 lt was Saturday afternoon and she was bored. 14 00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:12,540 Mary wished she had a friend to play piggybacks with. 15 00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:17,999 [Dogs whimper] 16 00:03:19,791 --> 00:03:22,415 [Birdsong] 17 00:03:24,958 --> 00:03:29,624 Mary's mood ring, which she'd found in a cereal box, was grey 18 00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:31,999 which, according to the chart, 19 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:39,207 meant she was either pensive, unconsciously ambitious or hungry. 20 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:43,374 Her only friends were 'The Noblets' from her favourite cartoon. 21 00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:46,832 They weren't the real ones you bought in the shops 22 00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:51,249 but fake ones she had to make herself from shells, gumnuts, pompoms 23 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:56,374 and the chicken bones salvaged from Friday night's takeaway. 24 00:03:56,375 --> 00:04:00,540 She had to make all her own toys, and her favourites were Shrinkies - 25 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:04,915 potato chip packets that she had shrunk in the oven. 26 00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:08,749 [Machine squeaks and squelches] 27 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:12,082 Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle, 28 00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:15,499 worked in a factory, attaching the strings to tea bags. 29 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,124 [Conveyor squeaks] 30 00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,540 At show and tell, she told the class 31 00:04:19,541 --> 00:04:24,874 he could get as many free tea bags as he wanted. 32 00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,790 Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey. 33 00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:33,124 She loved saying 'Earl Grey' 34 00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:38,499 and would like one day to marry someone called Earl Grey. 35 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,124 [Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave'] 36 00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:42,124 They would live in a castle in Scotland, 37 00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,790 have 9 babies, 2 ducks... [Ducks quack] 38 00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,665 ..and a dog called Kevin. 39 00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:49,165 [Dog whimpers] 40 00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:52,999 Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed and drink Baileys lrish Cream 41 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,249 and stuff birds he'd found on the side of the freeway. 42 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:05,124 Mary wished he'd spend more time with her and less with his dead friends. 43 00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:08,957 She also wished she had some brothers and sisters. 44 00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:12,540 Her mother had told her she was 'an accident'. 45 00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:16,540 How could someone be an accident? 46 00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:20,749 Grandpoppy Ralph had told her that babies were deliberate 47 00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:24,249 and found by dads at the bottom of their beer. 48 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,540 Grandpoppy Ralph had smelt like pickled onions 49 00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:34,832 and had been a member of the Frankston lce Breakers for 51 years. 50 00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:36,957 Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh! [Water splashes] 51 00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:40,249 They swam in winter to feel alive. 52 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:46,540 Grandpoppy Ralph had said it made his nipples erect. 53 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,249 He had died the year before, aged 74, 54 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:54,790 and his best mate, Ken, had recited a poem in his honour. 55 00:05:54,791 --> 00:05:58,290 [Ken]: Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia, 56 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,124 Ralph lived a long life, 57 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:03,790 then died of pneumonia. 58 00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:04,790 Mary missed him 59 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:09,540 and often wondered why he had drunk ammonia. 60 00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:12,540 A lot of things puzzled Mary 61 00:06:12,541 --> 00:06:16,957 especially her mother, Vera Lorraine Dinkle. 62 00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:22,082 To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly. 63 00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,082 [Radio] : A pretty vicious ball. And he's out! 64 00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:29,332 Vera liked listening to the cricket while baking 65 00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:33,540 and her main ingredient was always sherry. 66 00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:36,749 [Radio] : 3/44. And Thompson 2/1 5... 67 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,749 She told Mary it was a type of tea for grown-ups 68 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,749 that needed constant testing. 69 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:46,624 [Radio] : Just out of the reach of the lead. 6/96 England. 70 00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:48,665 [Door slams] 71 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,999 [Dishwasher starts] 72 00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:56,249 Mary thought her mother tested the sherry...[she farts]...way too much. 73 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,707 [Snores] 74 00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:04,540 Mary also couldn't understand why Vera was always 'borrowing'. 75 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:09,665 Yesterday, she borrowed some fish fingers from Aisle 6. 76 00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:13,957 She told Mary she put things up her dress to save on plastic bags. 77 00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:21,415 Vera was indeed a complicated soul. 78 00:07:22,666 --> 00:07:25,665 [Thunder, rain pattering] 79 00:07:31,791 --> 00:07:33,707 [Knock at door] [Mary]: Oooh! 80 00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:35,207 Mary stopped daydreaming 81 00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,082 and went and fetched her pet rooster from the rain. 82 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,249 [Door squeaks] 83 00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:44,582 Her father had found the rooster on the side of the freeway 84 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:48,790 after it had fallen off the back of a slaughter truck. 85 00:07:48,791 --> 00:07:50,915 She named him Ethel. 86 00:07:51,625 --> 00:07:53,624 [TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music ] 87 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:59,082 lt was time to watch 'The Noblets'. She adored 'The Noblets' 88 00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:03,165 because everyone was brown, lived in a teapot 89 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,957 and had oodles of friends. 90 00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,832 There was nothing nicer, Mary thought to herself, 91 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,540 than the smell of a wet rooster... [She sniffs] 92 00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,415 ..the sound of rain on the roof 93 00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:18,915 and the taste of sweetened condensed milk straight from the can 94 00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:23,207 while watching your favourite cartoon. 95 00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:25,915 [She swallows] 96 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,665 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 97 00:08:41,791 --> 00:08:43,374 [Gunshots] 98 00:08:44,875 --> 00:08:47,124  " 99 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,999 [Distant traffic noise] 100 00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:00,999  " 101 00:09:05,666 --> 00:09:08,332 [TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music] 102 00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:13,124 Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz also watched 'The Noblets' . 103 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,457 Max's small television had picture but no sound. 104 00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:25,165 His big television, sound but no picture. 105 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:27,582 He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets' 106 00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:31,457 as they lived in a delineated and articulated social structure 107 00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:34,832 with constant adherent conformity 108 00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:38,790 and also because they had oodles of friends. 109 00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,915 Max had trouble sleeping 110 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:49,249 and had spent the night watching television and catching fish food. 111 00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:53,957 He noted to himself it was the sixth fly he'd caught this evening. 112 00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:58,124 [Clock chimes] 113 00:09:58,166 --> 00:10:01,707 He wondered if he should go to bed and count sheep 114 00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:05,499 or have one more chocolate hotdog. 115 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,957 He thought he'd try both but it didn't work. 116 00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:16,457 lt had been 6 hours and 1 2 minutes since Henry Vlll had passed away. 117 00:10:16,458 --> 00:10:19,874 And Henry's death had thrown Max's life into disarray. 118 00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:20,999 [Mournful Russian folk music] 119 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,999 [Mournful Russian folk music] lt had become asymmetrical 120 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,749 and the sooner he got a new fish, the better. 121 00:10:27,875 --> 00:10:29,624 [Toilet flushes] 122 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,582 Tomorrow he would go to the pet store and get another Henry - 123 00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:35,499 Henry lX. 124 00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:39,332 [Wind vane squeaks] 125 00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:43,874 [Quiet, uplifting piano and orchestra] 126 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,749 [Footsteps and traffic noise] 127 00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,665 [Man]: Next. 128 00:10:54,666 --> 00:10:56,082 lt was shopping day 129 00:10:56,083 --> 00:11:03,207 and Mary sat patiently while her mother [erm...] 'borrowed' some envelopes. 130 00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,999 To fill in time, she scanned the room 131 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,999 and counted how many things were brown. 132 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,457 There was sticky tape, rubber bands 133 00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:16,040 and a phone book with a picture of a lady standing in a brown lake 134 00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:18,207 with her hand on fire. 135 00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:25,040 People had weird names in America, Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself. 136 00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:29,999 Funny-sounding people called Rockefeller and Finkelstein. 137 00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,415 She wondered what they looked like, how old they were 138 00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:39,332 and if they were married, wore glasses or had found babies in their beer. 139 00:11:39,375 --> 00:11:42,624 [Baby gurgles] Maybe in the USA they found babies elsewhere. 140 00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:45,332 [Mary]: Hmm... They drank a lot of cola. 141 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,874 Maybe they found them in cans. [Baby gurgles] 142 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,707 But, no, they wouldn't fit through the hole. 143 00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,124 [Disappointed gurgle] 144 00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:56,249 [Lightbulb tings] Mary had an idea. 145 00:11:56,250 --> 00:12:02,374 She would write to one of the Americans and ask where babies came from. 146 00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:06,332 She chose a Mr M Horowitz. 147 00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:10,874 [She inhales, then coughs] 148 00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:13,999 [Tense, dramatic orchestra] 149 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,374 [Postmaster] : Aarrgh. Mrs Dinkle! 150 00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:22,915 Come back here, Vera Dinkle! You come back here! 151 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:24,665 Aaarghhhh! 152 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,915 [Mary]: Dear Mr M Horowitz, 153 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,957 my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle 154 00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:38,957 and l am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. 155 00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,582 My favourite colour is brown 156 00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:45,665 and my favourite food is sweetened condensed milk 157 00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:49,332 followed closely by chocolate. 158 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:54,332 l have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this. 159 00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:57,124 He doesn't lay eggs but will one day. 160 00:12:57,125 --> 00:12:58,582 [Pop!] 161 00:12:58,625 --> 00:13:02,082 My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry 162 00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:07,624 and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds. 163 00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,457 Where do babies come from in America? 164 00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:12,582 Do they come from cola cans? 165 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:17,165 ln Australia they are found in beer glasses. 166 00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:18,790 Here is a drawing of me. 167 00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:22,165 l can't draw ears proper but l'm good at teeth. 168 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,707 lt would be great if you could write back and be my friend. 169 00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,749 Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle. 170 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:38,165 PS. l hope you like the chocolate bar l'm also sending. 171 00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,957 lt's called a Cherry Ripe. 172 00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,874 [Dogs bark and rooster crows] 173 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,832 [She strains] 174 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,374 Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write. 175 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:03,749 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 176 00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,707 [Max wheezes] 177 00:14:22,875 --> 00:14:24,624 [Lift bell dings] 178 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:32,040 [Narrator]: Max hated Thursdays - 179 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:36,124 the day of his weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting. 180 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,665 And tonight he'd felt especially unsettled 181 00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:44,290 because he'd eaten two chocolate hotdogs on his way there. 182 00:14:44,291 --> 00:14:45,540 [Teacher] : OK, class... 183 00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:49,124 Eating chocolate was breaking the rules. 184 00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:52,124 He'd found the night even more unbearable 185 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,040 because of Marjorie Butterworth's strange glances. 186 00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,749 [Teacher] : Class dismissed. 187 00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:02,540 Max had trouble understanding non-verbal signals. 188 00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:06,374 Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging. 189 00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:09,124 [Lift bell dings repeatedly] 190 00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,790 Max found most people very confusing. 191 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,749 But little did Max realise 192 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:23,374 his night was about to become even more confusing and cryptic. 193 00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,374 [Max] : Hmm. 194 00:15:30,875 --> 00:15:38,749 He read Mary's letter four times and then did what he normally did 195 00:15:38,791 --> 00:15:42,374 whenever confronted with something new and stressful. 196 00:15:42,958 --> 00:15:45,374 [Mutters anxiously] 197 00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:50,457 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 198 00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:59,499 Max's fragile existence had once again become unsettled. 199 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,415 And after staring out of the window for 1 8 hours 200 00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:05,582 he finally made a decision. 201 00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:07,582 [Takes a deep breath] 202 00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:16,832 ['Typewriter music' plays quickly in time with Max's typing] 203 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,249 [Max]: Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 204 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:34,624 thank you for the letter, which l opened and read at 9.1 7pm 205 00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:39,624 after my Overeaters Anonymous class. 206 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,540 l am trying to lose weight 207 00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:44,957 because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof, 208 00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:48,624 says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. 209 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,749 Ooooh! 210 00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:54,749 He says my mind is not that healthy. 211 00:16:54,791 --> 00:17:00,290 Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. 212 00:17:00,291 --> 00:17:03,332 l have never met anyone from Australia. 213 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:06,415 Firstly, l will answer your question. 214 00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:14,624 Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. 215 00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:17,457 l asked my mother when l was four 216 00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:22,874 and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. 217 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,415 lf you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. 218 00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:31,415 lf you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. 219 00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:35,415 So this is where babies come from in America. 220 00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:37,832 l share my home with a fish, 221 00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:43,665 some snails, whom l have named after famous scientists... 222 00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:48,290 [Bird squawks] ..a parakeet called Mr Biscuit 223 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,207 and, finally, a cat called Hal. 224 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:57,915 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. 225 00:17:57,916 --> 00:18:00,457 He followed me home after a gang of children 226 00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,582 shot his eye out with a beebee gun. 227 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:03,832 [Miaows meekly] 228 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,582 Do you have a pet kangaroo? 229 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,790 When l was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. 230 00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:14,207 She shot herself with my uncle's gun when l was six. 231 00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,207 [Gunshot] 232 00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,040 Do you like chocolate hotdogs? 233 00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:23,207 l invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. 234 00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:29,624 When l was young, l invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. 235 00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,832 My psychiatrist says l don't need him anymore 236 00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:36,665 so he just sits in the corner and reads. 237 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,874 [Traffic noise] 238 00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:46,832 Last week l picked up 1 28 cigarette butts. 239 00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:49,957 People are always littering in New York. 240 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,707 l do not understand why people break laws. 241 00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,957 Butts are bad because they wash out to sea 242 00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:03,290 and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. 243 00:19:03,291 --> 00:19:06,874 l am just joking because, of course, 244 00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:11,915 it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. 245 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:16,624 Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in. 246 00:19:18,416 --> 00:19:20,540 [Max farts] 247 00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,790 l am 44 years old 248 00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:27,457 and have 8 tracksuits the same colour and size. 249 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:30,790 [Scales rattle] 250 00:19:30,791 --> 00:19:33,207 l weigh 352 lb... 251 00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:35,290 Ooooh! 252 00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:37,957 ..and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. 253 00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,540 [TV]: Welcome to the New York Lottery! 254 00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:42,290 l enjoy entering the lottery 255 00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:46,082 and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. 256 00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:49,165 Those numbers are 3... [TV]: 1 . 257 00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,249 5... [TV]: 4. 258 00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,290 6... [TV]: 25. 259 00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,957 9... [TV]: 2. 260 00:19:54,958 --> 00:19:56,499 1 1 ... [TV]: 7. 261 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,790 And 1 2. [TV]: 8. 262 00:19:58,791 --> 00:20:00,915 [Applause on TV, Max sighs] 263 00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:03,165 Are you a winner? 264 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,957 Or a loser? 265 00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:08,290 l have had many different jobs during my life. 266 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:14,290 My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. 267 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:17,790 My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies 268 00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:22,540 where l worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. 269 00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:26,290 l was born Jewish and used to believe in God 270 00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:27,957 but l've since read many books 271 00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:32,540 that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. 272 00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:36,457 People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions 273 00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:40,040 like where did the universe come from, 274 00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,290 do worms go to heaven... 275 00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:42,874 do worms go to heaven... [Squish] 276 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:46,040 ..and why do old ladies have blue hair? 277 00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:47,957 Even though l'm an atheist, 278 00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:52,499 l still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. 279 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:58,957 My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. 280 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:02,374 l worked at the frisbee printing machine. [Machine creaks and squelches] 281 00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:07,957 A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. 282 00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:09,790 lt is like a boomerang 283 00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:13,832 but it does not come back. 284 00:21:14,958 --> 00:21:18,874 My fourth job was when l was called up for jury duty. 285 00:21:18,875 --> 00:21:24,540 l didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. 286 00:21:24,541 --> 00:21:28,165 Jurors are outstanding members of the community 287 00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:31,040 who haven't murdered anybody. 288 00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,749 l made it to the short list 289 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,290 for a trial where a man killed all his friends 290 00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:39,415 at his own surprise birthday party. 291 00:21:39,416 --> 00:21:43,249 Unfortunately, l didn't get selected because they found out 292 00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,790 l'd been a mental patient at one point. 293 00:21:45,791 --> 00:21:47,040 [Pop!] 294 00:21:47,041 --> 00:21:49,790 Have you ever been hang gliding? 295 00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:53,457 My fifth job was as a garbage collector. 296 00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:58,290 l got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. 297 00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:02,040 Sometimes l used to pretend l was an intergalactical robot. 298 00:22:02,041 --> 00:22:04,124 [Makes robotic sounds] 299 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,290 [Operator]: This is 91 1 . ¤our call has been placed in a queue. 300 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,457 One time the police took me in for questioning 301 00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:23,165 but let me go when they decided l wasn't a threat to anybody 302 00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,249 except myself. 303 00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:27,499 [Loud military brass band] 304 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:33,290 The sixth job l had was for the United States Army 305 00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:36,957 in the stationery supply department. [Sighs] 306 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,957 Because l am good with numbers 307 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:43,290 l had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. 308 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,582 One day they did a security check 309 00:22:45,583 --> 00:22:49,540 and asked whether l was a member of any radical groups. 310 00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:53,999 l told them l was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. 311 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:59,082 They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. 312 00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:04,540 Fortunately, l did not remember to tell them l was once a communist. 313 00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:07,040 Have you ever been a communist? 314 00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:12,415 Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? 315 00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:15,290 When l was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. 316 00:23:15,291 --> 00:23:17,749 [Max gasps, crow caws] 317 00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:24,040 l had to have three stitches 318 00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:28,374 and in spring l now wear a helmet with eyes l have painted on. 319 00:23:28,416 --> 00:23:31,332 People laugh at me when l wear my helmet. 320 00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:33,665 [Man laughs] l'm not sure why. 321 00:23:33,666 --> 00:23:38,457 People often confuse me but l try not to let them worry me. 322 00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:40,957 [Traffic noise] 323 00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:44,457 New York is a very busy and noisy place. 324 00:23:44,458 --> 00:23:47,040 l would prefer to live somewhere much quieter 325 00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,499 like the moon. 326 00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:55,749 l don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. 327 00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,582 New York has all these 328 00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,374 especially the smells. 329 00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:01,665 [Max inhales] 330 00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:05,332 l often wear nose and ear plugs when l go outside. 331 00:24:05,333 --> 00:24:08,665 lt helps keep me calm. 332 00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:14,374 l find humans interesting but l have trouble understanding them. 333 00:24:14,416 --> 00:24:19,499 l think, however, l will understand and trust you. 334 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,874 You appear very happy and l think you would smell like a shrimp 335 00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:29,290 as l know Australia has a lot of shrimps. 336 00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:33,082 Can you speed-read? 337 00:24:33,125 --> 00:24:36,499 l have taught myself to read two pages at once - 338 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,790 one eyeball per page. 339 00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:41,124 l have to go now 340 00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:44,207 even though l have not told you about my 7th job, 341 00:24:44,208 --> 00:24:47,082 in a condom factory. 342 00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:48,832 Write back soon. 343 00:24:48,833 --> 00:24:55,540 Your American friend, Max Jerry Horowitz. 344 00:24:55,541 --> 00:25:00,499 PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths. 345 00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:04,457 PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe 346 00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:07,999 and l am glad you like chocolate as much as l do. 347 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,957 l have never eaten sweetened condensed milk 348 00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:14,207 but l will try some this week. 349 00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:18,999 PPPS. l have never used a condom. 350 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,124 Gey gezunterheyt. 351 00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:26,749 [Narrator]: Max hoped Mary would write again. 352 00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,790 He'd always wanted a friend. 353 00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:36,749 A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine. 354 00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:41,749 He counted the stars and wondered how many days, hours, minutes 355 00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:46,457 it would take his letter to reach Australia. 356 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,249 [Frantic orchestral music] 357 00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:53,665 Vera was not impressed... 358 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,749 Aaaarrgh! 359 00:25:57,750 --> 00:26:01,207 ..not impressed at all. 360 00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:07,207 This nutcase would not be her daughter's penfriend, she thought. 361 00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:10,207 There was enough ugliness in the world. 362 00:26:10,208 --> 00:26:12,957 Mary would be home from school in an hour - 363 00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:17,915 enough time for another cup of tea and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves 364 00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:22,332 and dissolve the memory of Max's letter from her pickled mind. 365 00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:27,124 [Radio] : Yeah, he's out. Unbelievable. 1 4. England 7/1 50. 366 00:26:29,958 --> 00:26:33,082 [Truck whines and rumbles] 367 00:26:45,458 --> 00:26:49,374 [Dark, menacing music] 368 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,249 [Vera shouts] : Stop! Wait! 369 00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:06,249 Hey. fellas, you got room for one more bag? 370 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:09,999 Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in! [Laughs] 371 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,124 [Garbage man 2] : Good one. Kevin! 372 00:27:12,625 --> 00:27:14,999 Aaaarghhh! 373 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,457 [Thud! Men laugh] 374 00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:22,707 [Garbage man]: Come on, Vera. We've got some other bags to pick up! 375 00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:29,915 [Rippling piano and strings] 376 00:27:29,916 --> 00:27:33,499 Ooh. Hmm. 377 00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:40,374 Mary, is that all the rubbish? 378 00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:42,374 Yep! 379 00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:45,040 [Garbage man]: See ya, Toots! 380 00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,457 [Vera]: Sweet baby Jesus. 381 00:27:56,333 --> 00:27:58,749 [Thud!] Ooooah! 382 00:27:59,750 --> 00:28:01,624 [Rippling piano and strings] 383 00:28:01,625 --> 00:28:06,749 Even though Max's letter smelt like fish heads and orange peel, 384 00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:10,957 Mary drank his words like a bowl of alphabet soup 385 00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:13,249 and hadn't been this excited 386 00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:18,707 since Grandpoppy Ralph had found a coin up her nose. 387 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,374 She wrote back immediately 388 00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,957 on some butchers' paper she'd stolen from some chops. 389 00:28:24,958 --> 00:28:29,082 [Mary]: Dear Max, l'm so excited you've wroted back. 390 00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:33,124 l don't think my parents like you so from now on 391 00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:36,415 send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop 392 00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:41,582 at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. 393 00:28:41,666 --> 00:28:44,582 He's old with no legs. 394 00:28:44,583 --> 00:28:47,374 They got chew'd'ed off in World War ll 395 00:28:47,375 --> 00:28:51,332 when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. 396 00:28:51,333 --> 00:28:53,332 [Screams] 397 00:28:53,333 --> 00:28:56,749 Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. 398 00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:03,832 He's scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. 399 00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:06,249 [Magpie warbles, Len gasps] 400 00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:09,874 He's started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. 401 00:29:09,875 --> 00:29:10,999 [Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave'] 402 00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:17,957 l'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey. 403 00:29:17,958 --> 00:29:20,499 Do you get 'The Noblets' in America? 404 00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:24,499 Well, my favourite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. 405 00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:30,374 He wants to be everyone's friend, even the boys'! 406 00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:34,040 ln your letter, you said you had no friends. [Munching] 407 00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:36,415 Well, neither do l. 408 00:29:36,416 --> 00:29:39,165 A-ha! 409 00:29:39,208 --> 00:29:43,207 Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich 410 00:29:43,291 --> 00:29:47,457 and called me 'poo face' 'cos of my birthmark. 411 00:29:47,458 --> 00:29:50,624 l wish l could peel it off like a bandaid. 412 00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:53,957 He also laughed 'cos l had no buttons. 413 00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,124 Ethel pecked them off 414 00:29:56,125 --> 00:30:00,707 and Mum couldn't thread a needle 'cos she'd been testing the sherry 415 00:30:00,708 --> 00:30:02,207 so she used pegs instead. 416 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:05,499 [Lonely cello solo] 417 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:12,082 When l got home, l climbed into my secret place till dinner time. 418 00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:14,957 The other kids also laugh at my haircut. 419 00:30:14,958 --> 00:30:17,749 Dad has to cut my hair because mum says 420 00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,874 real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen 421 00:30:20,875 --> 00:30:22,457 who stuff mattresses. 422 00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:24,957 [Shears chomp] 423 00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:28,957 My teacher, Mrs Pendergast, says l should smile more. 424 00:30:28,958 --> 00:30:33,957 l told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. 425 00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:39,957 l don't think Mrs Pendergast likes me anymore. 426 00:30:39,958 --> 00:30:42,582 [Mary groans, children laugh] 427 00:30:42,583 --> 00:30:45,499 [Lonely cello and piano] 428 00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:50,332 l better go now. My tears are smudgling my words. 429 00:30:50,333 --> 00:30:55,957 Your friend in Australia, Mary Daisy Dinkle. [Sniffs] 430 00:30:55,958 --> 00:31:03,207 PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me? 431 00:31:03,208 --> 00:31:09,749 PSS. l've never been hang gliding before or been a 'commune-ist' 432 00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,957 but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs. 433 00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:22,124 PSSS. l'm sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom l made 434 00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:26,707 and a cake called a lamington, which l was meant to eat for lunch. 435 00:31:31,708 --> 00:31:34,707 [Lonely cello and piano] 436 00:31:44,958 --> 00:31:47,457 [Fly buzzes] 437 00:31:48,458 --> 00:31:52,332 [Sad clarinet and orchestra] 438 00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,332 [Max]: Have you ever been teased? 439 00:31:56,208 --> 00:31:58,582 Ooooooooooaaaahhhh! 440 00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:00,665 [Narrator]: Mary's letter triggered memories 441 00:32:00,666 --> 00:32:04,374 Max had buried deep down in his shoes. 442 00:32:04,375 --> 00:32:08,790 [Bullies]: We've got him cornered now. Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay... 443 00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:14,290 [Punching and groaning] Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy. 444 00:32:15,291 --> 00:32:16,957 [Max moans] 445 00:32:16,958 --> 00:32:21,207 And as usual, he coped in the only way he knew. 446 00:32:21,708 --> 00:32:25,082 [Max moans gently] 447 00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:33,790 And 36 chocolate hotdogs later... 448 00:32:33,791 --> 00:32:34,957 [Max burps] 449 00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:39,040 ..and after only two hours sleep, 450 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:46,332 Max's meltdown faded away and an idea popped into his brain. 451 00:32:46,333 --> 00:32:48,415 [Ting!] 452 00:32:48,416 --> 00:32:51,415 [Max]: Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 453 00:32:51,416 --> 00:32:57,374 thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. 454 00:32:57,416 --> 00:33:01,790 The chocolate got crushed, so l blended the bits with milk and icecream 455 00:33:01,833 --> 00:33:04,499 and now l am drinking it right now. 456 00:33:04,958 --> 00:33:07,499 [Slurps] 457 00:33:07,541 --> 00:33:11,915 After much thought, l think l have a solution to your teasing. 458 00:33:11,916 --> 00:33:14,082 Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, 459 00:33:16,916 --> 00:33:19,040 which means when you get to heaven 460 00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:22,707 you will be in charge of all the chocolate. 461 00:33:22,708 --> 00:33:26,499 This of course is a lie - l do not like lies - 462 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,415 but in this case l think it will be of benefit. 463 00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:34,374 l wish l could be in charge of all the chocolate 464 00:33:34,375 --> 00:33:39,082 but, of course, l cannot because of my atheism. [Pop!] 465 00:33:41,166 --> 00:33:43,915 My neighbour lvy is also an atheist. [Water bubbles] 466 00:33:43,958 --> 00:33:50,415 She doesn't talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. 467 00:33:50,416 --> 00:33:52,457 She is partly blind 468 00:33:52,458 --> 00:33:57,165 and sometimes l find her hair in my soup. Eeugh! 469 00:33:57,166 --> 00:34:04,665 l do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof says this would be [farts] impolite. 470 00:34:04,666 --> 00:34:08,332 Here is a list of what l eat on the other nights. 471 00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,707 Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish, 472 00:34:10,708 --> 00:34:13,832 Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel, 473 00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,207 Wednesdays - Captain Salty's Fishstix, 474 00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:19,957 Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz 475 00:34:19,958 --> 00:34:23,415 and Fridays - chicken nuggets. 476 00:34:23,458 --> 00:34:26,999 On Saturday nights l create my own recipes. 477 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:31,540 Last week l invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. 478 00:34:31,541 --> 00:34:34,957 Recipes are like mathematical equations. 479 00:34:34,958 --> 00:34:41,915 Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator 480 00:34:41,916 --> 00:34:46,832 and to never eat anything bigger than your head. 481 00:34:46,833 --> 00:34:50,790 l once ate a watermelon bigger than my head 482 00:34:50,875 --> 00:34:53,832 but not all at once. 483 00:34:53,875 --> 00:34:57,707 Do you have any weight loss suggestions? 484 00:34:57,708 --> 00:35:00,832 My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don't seem to be working 485 00:35:00,833 --> 00:35:03,957 and just make me tense. 486 00:35:03,958 --> 00:35:05,999 [Groans anxiously] 487 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,749 [Slurps loudly] 488 00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:13,790 lt would be good if there was a 'Fat Fairy' . 489 00:35:13,791 --> 00:35:15,540 [Snores] 490 00:35:15,583 --> 00:35:20,249 She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat. 491 00:35:23,958 --> 00:35:25,165 [Water bubbling] 492 00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:30,999 lvy says she is only a 'little bit' blind but l think she is very blind. 493 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,874 She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. 494 00:35:35,791 --> 00:35:38,374 She could make the end pointy [Ching!] 495 00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:40,915 and collect rubbish at the same time. 496 00:35:42,291 --> 00:35:46,207 l think l will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. 497 00:35:46,208 --> 00:35:49,915 He will be very impressed. 498 00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:55,249 lvy says she doesn't need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. 499 00:35:55,250 --> 00:35:57,124 [lvy sniffs] 500 00:35:57,125 --> 00:36:02,415 She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. 501 00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:06,915 She says l smell like liquorice and old books. 502 00:36:07,375 --> 00:36:10,249 [Crash!] 503 00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:16,374 l think she smells like cough medicine and urine. 504 00:36:16,375 --> 00:36:18,332 l have never told her this 505 00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:23,832 as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite. 506 00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:25,790 [Lift bell dings, lift doors clank shut] 507 00:36:27,958 --> 00:36:30,499 People often think l am tactless and rude. 508 00:36:30,916 --> 00:36:33,832 [Farts] 509 00:36:33,833 --> 00:36:40,165 l cannot understand how being honest can be...improper. 510 00:36:40,208 --> 00:36:45,957 Maybe this is why l don't have any friends 511 00:36:45,958 --> 00:36:47,832 of course except for you. 512 00:36:48,916 --> 00:36:52,207 A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. 513 00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:54,207 [Bubbles pop, satisfied groan] 514 00:36:54,208 --> 00:37:00,624 The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. 515 00:37:02,708 --> 00:37:07,207 Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals 516 00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:12,332 but not stupid ones like mine. 517 00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,707 l have now run out of things to tell you. 518 00:37:17,791 --> 00:37:19,915 Please, write soon. 519 00:37:19,916 --> 00:37:25,957 Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz. 520 00:37:25,958 --> 00:37:30,374 PS. Do not worry about not smiling. 521 00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:32,957 My mouth hardly ever smiles 522 00:37:32,958 --> 00:37:37,749 but it does not mean l am not smiling inside my brain. 523 00:37:37,750 --> 00:37:39,749 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 524 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:44,165 PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, 525 00:37:44,166 --> 00:37:47,499 some Chocolate Pop Rocks, which you should eat with cola, 526 00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:53,540 and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics. 527 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:59,124 PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses? 528 00:38:01,416 --> 00:38:03,415 [Quirky strings] 529 00:38:03,458 --> 00:38:05,332 Dear Max, 530 00:38:05,333 --> 00:38:07,374 when l told Bernie Clifford 531 00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:11,290 l'll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn't get any, 532 00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:12,749 he cried. 533 00:38:12,750 --> 00:38:14,415 [Wails] 534 00:38:14,416 --> 00:38:19,957 l also hide'd some dog's poo in his bit of the sandpit. 535 00:38:19,958 --> 00:38:24,249 Your advice was great and l've got a job delivering pamphlets 536 00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:27,540 so l can save to come and see you. 537 00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:29,665 l am sad to hear you are fat. 538 00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:34,082 Mum says l am fat too and l'm growing up to be a heifer, 539 00:38:34,083 --> 00:38:37,957 which l think is a type of cow. 540 00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:42,415 Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. 541 00:38:42,458 --> 00:38:44,957 On Mondays you could only eat 542 00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,707 milkshakes, marshmallows and...mustard. 543 00:38:50,708 --> 00:38:52,332 Oooh! 544 00:38:52,333 --> 00:38:55,957 [High rippling piano, pizzicato strings] 545 00:38:55,958 --> 00:39:00,624 For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake and Dad gave me a camera. 546 00:39:00,625 --> 00:39:02,207 [Camera clicks] 547 00:39:02,291 --> 00:39:05,249 l hope you like the photos l sent. 548 00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,707 The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. 549 00:39:08,708 --> 00:39:11,332 The next one is one of myself 550 00:39:11,333 --> 00:39:16,499 after l ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. 551 00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,540 Next is Len. 552 00:39:18,541 --> 00:39:25,040 He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. 553 00:39:25,125 --> 00:39:28,499 [Len screams, dog barks, pole clangs] 554 00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:32,207 The next one is of dad in his shed, 555 00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:35,499 and then one of the times l covered mum 556 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:39,624 while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. 557 00:39:39,625 --> 00:39:43,999 Next, when l got my slinky caught in my hair. 558 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,957 Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. 559 00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:55,749 And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour Damian Popodopolous. 560 00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:59,957 He's a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid 561 00:39:59,958 --> 00:40:05,374 and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. 562 00:40:05,375 --> 00:40:11,582 Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter and can't even say his own surname. 563 00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:13,332 [He stutters] 564 00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:16,874 She says you have to hit him on the back of the head 565 00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,249 to get his words out. 566 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,207 P-P-P-P...Popodopolous. 567 00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:24,582 l wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing 568 00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:27,457 like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. 569 00:40:27,958 --> 00:40:30,749 She said it's when two people go 'nuddy' 570 00:40:30,750 --> 00:40:33,332 and rub on each other to make babies. [Squeaking] 571 00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:39,082 l told her she's a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast 572 00:40:39,083 --> 00:40:41,957 'cos babies really come from beer glasses 573 00:40:41,958 --> 00:40:46,332 and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'. 574 00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,415 She said ladies get knocked up 575 00:40:48,416 --> 00:40:51,582 and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years 576 00:40:51,583 --> 00:40:55,374 till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners' with blood and tinned spaghetti. 577 00:40:56,583 --> 00:40:59,832 Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? 578 00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:02,332 Have you done sexing? 579 00:41:02,333 --> 00:41:03,749 Valentine's Day is soon 580 00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:08,874 and l want to give Damian a present so he can love me. 581 00:41:08,958 --> 00:41:12,040 Can you explain love and how l can be 'lover'd'? 582 00:41:12,041 --> 00:41:14,332 [Max screams] 583 00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:17,957 [Narrator]: Once again, Mary's letter had triggered an anxiety attack. 584 00:41:17,958 --> 00:41:19,415 [Heartbeat] 585 00:41:19,416 --> 00:41:21,582 Max knew nothing about love. 586 00:41:21,583 --> 00:41:25,540 lt was as foreign to him as scuba diving 587 00:41:25,541 --> 00:41:29,665 and he'd had an appalling history of getting it all wrong. 588 00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:32,165 One Valentine's Day 589 00:41:32,166 --> 00:41:37,457 he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift he was sure was appropriate. 590 00:41:39,500 --> 00:41:41,749 [Zelda screams] 591 00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:47,165 The only companion [swallows] that had ever warmed Max's bed 592 00:41:47,208 --> 00:41:49,332 was his hot water bottle. 593 00:41:50,958 --> 00:41:52,082 Romance and love 594 00:41:52,083 --> 00:41:55,374 was a mysterious language he'd given up on. 595 00:41:56,083 --> 00:41:59,290 lf only Mary had asked how a toaster works 596 00:41:59,291 --> 00:42:02,832 or asked for an explanation of the Chaos theory. 597 00:42:02,875 --> 00:42:07,374 lf only there was a mathematical equation for love. 598 00:42:08,958 --> 00:42:12,790 He kept eating and thinking. 599 00:42:17,750 --> 00:42:20,749 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 600 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:26,749 [Kissing] 601 00:42:27,750 --> 00:42:33,790 But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube. lt could not be solved. 602 00:42:33,791 --> 00:42:37,374 No matter how he analysed it, the results were negative. 603 00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:39,624 Beat it, creep! 604 00:42:39,666 --> 00:42:43,040 He felt love but couldn't articulate it. 605 00:42:43,041 --> 00:42:47,457 lts logic was as foreign to him as... as a salad sandwich. 606 00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,957 The stars made more sense. 607 00:42:56,791 --> 00:42:59,124 [Sirens wail] 608 00:42:59,125 --> 00:43:02,374 [Radio] : 1 2, have you responded to the call? Over. 609 00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:05,790 The anxiety and stress were too much. 610 00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:11,915 The inscrutability of love finally won, and Max's brain gave in. 611 00:43:21,083 --> 00:43:24,624 He was diagnosed with severe depression and obesity 612 00:43:24,625 --> 00:43:30,165 and spent the next 8 months institutionalised and bedridden. 613 00:43:30,291 --> 00:43:33,540 They marinated him in a cocktail of drugs 614 00:43:33,541 --> 00:43:37,249 and performed the usual 'therapeutic' procedures. 615 00:43:37,291 --> 00:43:40,249 [Electricity buzzes, Max gurgles] 616 00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:46,249 Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited. 617 00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,999 [Lonely cello and piano] 618 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,124 Maybe Max's typewriter had run out of ink. 619 00:43:51,416 --> 00:43:54,999 Maybe America had run out of ink. 620 00:43:55,583 --> 00:43:57,999 Maybe his pets had eaten him. 621 00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,665 Maybe it was her. 622 00:44:01,708 --> 00:44:06,290 Was she too demanding, too boring, too...ugly? 623 00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:11,332 [Lonely cello and piano] 624 00:44:14,416 --> 00:44:18,415 Filled with anger, confusion and self-loathing, 625 00:44:18,458 --> 00:44:23,332 Mary tried to erase the memory of her friend forever. 626 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,999 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 627 00:44:40,875 --> 00:44:42,999 [Toilet flushes] 628 00:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,415 [Knock at door] 629 00:44:57,708 --> 00:45:00,457 [Knocking gets louder] 630 00:45:03,291 --> 00:45:04,707 [Groaning] 631 00:45:06,875 --> 00:45:09,249 [Cat miaows meekly] 632 00:45:12,666 --> 00:45:13,957 Max had recovered. 633 00:45:13,958 --> 00:45:18,874 And life was balanced, safe and symmetrical once again. 634 00:45:21,625 --> 00:45:26,124 But Mary still lingered in his mind. [Sighs] 635 00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:28,957 Half of him wanted to write to her immediately. 636 00:45:28,958 --> 00:45:33,457 The other half didn't want to end up a mental patient again. 637 00:45:33,458 --> 00:45:38,540 At least there was always Mr Ravioli to be friends with. 638 00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:41,582 He was a much safer option. 639 00:45:42,583 --> 00:45:46,540 He wondered what Mary was doing right now. 640 00:45:47,458 --> 00:45:50,207 But she was far from content 641 00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:56,332 and struggled on by herself, saving her money for a rainy day. 642 00:45:58,333 --> 00:46:01,290 [Soprano, twinkling piano] 643 00:46:03,833 --> 00:46:06,040 Life went on as usual for Max 644 00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:09,957 and even though he opted for order and stability, 645 00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:13,415 misfortune was never far away. 646 00:46:14,208 --> 00:46:17,082 [Spluttering and cracking] 647 00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:20,457 [Loud rushing noise] 648 00:46:20,458 --> 00:46:23,165 [Silence] 649 00:46:23,166 --> 00:46:24,957 [Loud rushing noise] 650 00:46:24,958 --> 00:46:27,207 [Silence] 651 00:46:27,250 --> 00:46:28,832 [Loud rushing noise] 652 00:46:28,833 --> 00:46:30,957 [Silence] 653 00:46:36,875 --> 00:46:39,165 [Loud crash] 654 00:46:42,708 --> 00:46:46,707 Luckily, his manslaughter charges were dismissed [Gavel taps] 655 00:46:46,708 --> 00:46:49,665 because he was labelled mentally deficient 656 00:46:49,666 --> 00:46:53,874 and unlikely to have a motive for killing a mime artist... 657 00:46:53,875 --> 00:46:55,040 Oop. 658 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,707 ..unlike most people. 659 00:46:58,500 --> 00:47:02,082 From then on, Max cooled himself differently 660 00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:04,624 and things went back to normal 661 00:47:04,625 --> 00:47:10,582 until after his 48th birthday, when his numbers finally came up. 662 00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,957 [TV announcer]: Welcome to the New York Lottery 663 00:47:12,958 --> 00:47:15,165 and these are tonight's winning numbers - 664 00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:18,457 3, 5, 665 00:47:18,458 --> 00:47:24,457 6, 9, 666 00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:30,457 1 1 and 1 2! 667 00:47:30,875 --> 00:47:34,165 [Joyous choral and orchestral music] 668 00:48:08,458 --> 00:48:10,457 [Light pings off, door slams closed] 669 00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:14,040 Max was sensible with his sudden wealth 670 00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:17,332 and had bought a lifetime supply of chocolate 671 00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:20,415 and the complete Noblet collection. 672 00:48:20,416 --> 00:48:22,874 [TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music] 673 00:48:24,625 --> 00:48:28,082 Two of his life goals had come true. 674 00:48:28,125 --> 00:48:31,082 But he still had a lot of money 675 00:48:31,083 --> 00:48:33,540 so decided to give it to lvy... 676 00:48:33,541 --> 00:48:34,832 [Cash register chings] 677 00:48:34,916 --> 00:48:38,124 ..who was also very sensible... 678 00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:43,082 [Comical '60s-style' music] 679 00:48:44,500 --> 00:48:47,582 [Bones crack, she groans] 680 00:48:47,583 --> 00:48:50,624 [Drill whines, hammering] 681 00:48:55,083 --> 00:48:57,457 [Satisfied farting sounds] 682 00:49:06,208 --> 00:49:08,915 [Engines backfire and splutter] 683 00:49:11,791 --> 00:49:15,874 ..until her own numbers came up. 684 00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:28,374 lvy willed everything to the local cat shelter, 685 00:49:28,375 --> 00:49:33,540 whose owner relocated her kind donation to his bank account, 686 00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:39,999 his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari and enough fuel to get to Mexico. 687 00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,999 [Engine revs] 688 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:44,874 [Musical horn] 689 00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:51,874 Despite achieving all his life's goals, 690 00:49:51,875 --> 00:49:56,332 Max still felt incomplete. [Sighs] 691 00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:59,915 Mr Ravioli just wasn't cutting the mustard anymore 692 00:49:59,916 --> 00:50:05,082 and seemed more interested in his self-help books. 693 00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,582 Mary had given Max a taste of real friendship 694 00:50:08,583 --> 00:50:12,082 and there was just no comparison. 695 00:50:12,750 --> 00:50:14,915 She missed him too 696 00:50:14,916 --> 00:50:17,874 but no longer saved to see him. [Aah!] 697 00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:22,957 [Coin clinks] She now saved for a different reason. 698 00:50:25,125 --> 00:50:28,624 [Quiet, jazzy Russian folk music] 699 00:50:32,875 --> 00:50:38,540 One day Mr Ravioli got up, left and never came back. 700 00:50:39,916 --> 00:50:41,790 [Whistling, thud!] [Hisses] 701 00:50:42,500 --> 00:50:45,957 Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice. 702 00:50:45,958 --> 00:50:47,374 [Speaks incoherently] 703 00:50:47,416 --> 00:50:52,499 He told Max that true friendship is seen through the heart, 704 00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:54,499 not through the eyes, 705 00:50:54,500 --> 00:51:02,499 and that it was time he wrote to Mary to reveal his true self, warts and all. 706 00:51:02,541 --> 00:51:05,540 Max understood. [Sighs] 707 00:51:09,666 --> 00:51:14,290 [City sounds of roadworks and pigeons] 708 00:51:22,958 --> 00:51:25,790 [Max]: Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 709 00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:28,415 there is something l have to tell you 710 00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:32,374 which will explain why l have not written. 711 00:51:32,375 --> 00:51:38,957 Each time l received one of your letters, l had a severe anxiety attack. 712 00:51:38,958 --> 00:51:43,624 This is because recently, while l was in a mental institution, 713 00:51:43,625 --> 00:51:50,540 they diagnosed that l have a new thing called Asperger's syndrome, 714 00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:57,915 which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. 715 00:51:57,916 --> 00:52:01,624 l prefer 'Aspie' for short. 716 00:52:01,625 --> 00:52:05,582 l will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. 717 00:52:05,583 --> 00:52:07,499 [Camera clicks] 718 00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:13,040 No.1 - l find the world very confusing and chaotic 719 00:52:13,041 --> 00:52:18,415 because my mind is very literal and logical. 720 00:52:18,416 --> 00:52:21,665 [Train rattles] 721 00:52:21,708 --> 00:52:28,124 2 - l have trouble understanding the expressions on people's faces. 722 00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:36,582 When l was younger, l made a book to help me when l was confused. 723 00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,374 [Slap!] 724 00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:42,915 l still have trouble with some people. 725 00:52:42,958 --> 00:52:46,249 lvy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles 726 00:52:46,250 --> 00:52:49,874 and because her eyebrows weren't real. 727 00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:53,540 3 - l have bad handwriting, 728 00:52:53,541 --> 00:52:56,540 am hypersensitive... [Phone rings, Max gasps] 729 00:52:56,541 --> 00:52:59,249 ..clumsy 730 00:52:59,291 --> 00:53:02,832 and can get very concerned. [Anxious murmuring] 731 00:53:06,333 --> 00:53:14,124 4 - l like solving problems. lvy said this is a good thing. 732 00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:15,915 [Camera clicks] 733 00:53:16,708 --> 00:53:21,999 And finally No.5 - l have trouble expressing my emotions. 734 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:27,249 Dr Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective 735 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:32,957 but one day there will be a cure for my disability. 736 00:53:32,958 --> 00:53:35,457 l do not like it when he says this. 737 00:53:35,458 --> 00:53:40,540 l do not feel disabled, defective or l need to be cured. 738 00:53:40,541 --> 00:53:43,582 l like being an Aspie. 739 00:53:43,666 --> 00:53:47,957 lt would be like trying to change the colour of my eyes. 740 00:53:49,708 --> 00:53:53,832 There is one thing l wish l could change, however. 741 00:53:53,833 --> 00:53:55,540 [Toilet flushes] 742 00:53:55,541 --> 00:53:58,165 l wish l could cry properly. 743 00:53:58,166 --> 00:54:00,665 [He groans softly] 744 00:54:00,666 --> 00:54:06,040 l squeeze and squeeze but nothing...[he groans]...comes out. 745 00:54:06,041 --> 00:54:09,540 l cry when l cut onions but this does not count. 746 00:54:09,541 --> 00:54:12,457 Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'? 747 00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,582 lt is a type of fruit. 748 00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:17,457 Do you have a favourite-sounding word? 749 00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:21,415 My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, 750 00:54:21,416 --> 00:54:24,790 Vladivostok, banana 751 00:54:24,791 --> 00:54:26,790 and testicle. 752 00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,665 l have also invented some new words - 753 00:54:32,708 --> 00:54:40,165 'confuzzled', which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, 754 00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:45,040 'snirt', which is a cross between snow and dirt, 755 00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:47,540 and 'smushables' ... [Grumbles] 756 00:54:47,541 --> 00:54:53,165 ..which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. 757 00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:57,207 l have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people 758 00:54:57,208 --> 00:55:00,665 asking them to include my words 759 00:55:00,666 --> 00:55:03,999 but l have not heard back. 760 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:08,499 lt is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. 761 00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:12,082 There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth 762 00:55:12,083 --> 00:55:14,582 who confuzzles me. 763 00:55:14,625 --> 00:55:18,665 She kisses me without my permission 764 00:55:18,666 --> 00:55:25,582 so tonight l have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her. 765 00:55:25,666 --> 00:55:30,707 Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz. 766 00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,624 PS. Please find enclosed 767 00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:41,582 some chocolate-covered ants l found at the deli. 768 00:55:42,791 --> 00:55:46,957 PPS. Not much has happened since l last wrote 769 00:55:46,958 --> 00:55:53,582 except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and lvy's death. 770 00:55:56,958 --> 00:56:00,374 [Narrator]: Mary was thrilled Max had finally written 771 00:56:00,375 --> 00:56:03,165 and suddenly had a fabulous idea. 772 00:56:03,166 --> 00:56:05,165 A-ha! [Ting!] 773 00:56:09,958 --> 00:56:13,457 [Rippling piano and strings] 774 00:56:23,958 --> 00:56:25,957 [Lawnmower drones, cat miaows] 775 00:56:29,416 --> 00:56:32,499 [Mary cries] 776 00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:42,832 Mary and Max's friendship was resuscitated 777 00:56:42,875 --> 00:56:48,082 and her tears were the best gift he'd ever received. 778 00:56:48,083 --> 00:56:52,457 lnside Max's head his brain was smiling. 779 00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:56,624 Loaded up with bizarre forms of chocolate, 780 00:56:56,625 --> 00:57:01,165 their letters flew thick and fast between the continents. 781 00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:04,582 Max learnt to read Mary's letters with caution 782 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:08,707 and at the slightest tingle of tension, he would stop, 783 00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:12,582 take his medication and soothe his nerves. 784 00:57:12,625 --> 00:57:18,624 Each letter he would iron, laminate and file in a special place, 785 00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:21,874 which also soothed his nerves. 786 00:57:26,208 --> 00:57:30,790 He enjoyed answering her questions and solving her puzzles like - 787 00:57:30,875 --> 00:57:33,749 Do sheep shrink when it rains? 788 00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,832 Why do old men wear their pants so high? 789 00:57:37,833 --> 00:57:43,165 Do gooses get goosebumps and why is bellybutton lint blue? 790 00:57:43,166 --> 00:57:44,915 Are there Noblets in heaven? 791 00:57:44,916 --> 00:57:49,707 And if a taxi goes backwards, does the driver owe you money? 792 00:57:49,708 --> 00:57:55,707 ln turn, Mary simply enjoyed hearing about Max's fascinating life - 793 00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:58,207 how many people he'd counted littering... 794 00:58:00,125 --> 00:58:03,582 [Whoosh! Thud!] 795 00:58:03,625 --> 00:58:05,957 ..how the latest Henry had died... 796 00:58:05,958 --> 00:58:08,957 [Electric whisk whirrs in water] 797 00:58:13,208 --> 00:58:15,499 [Toaster crackles] 798 00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:18,832 ..and new recipes he'd invented for chicken. 799 00:58:22,375 --> 00:58:24,457 Each nourished the other 800 00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:27,374 and, as Mary grew taller, 801 00:58:27,375 --> 00:58:29,415 Max grew wider - 802 00:58:29,416 --> 00:58:35,249 their friendship becoming stronger than the glue on Mary's Noblets. 803 00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:42,457 Although Max found solace in Mary, 804 00:58:42,458 --> 00:58:45,874 he still found the rest of the world bewildering. 805 00:58:45,875 --> 00:58:47,707 And he couldn't understand 806 00:58:47,708 --> 00:58:50,790 why he was seen as the odd one 807 00:58:50,791 --> 00:58:53,832 while everyone else was considered normal. 808 00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:59,249 Humans were endlessly illogical. 809 00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:04,665 Why did they throw out food when there were children starving in lndia? 810 00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:09,499 Why did they clear the rainforests when they needed the oxygen? 811 00:59:09,500 --> 00:59:16,332 And why did they create bus timetables when they never ran on time? 812 00:59:16,333 --> 00:59:23,124 He agreed with his favourite physicist that there are only two things infinite - 813 00:59:23,166 --> 00:59:27,207 the universe and man's stupidity. 814 00:59:27,208 --> 00:59:28,790 [Bicycle bell rings] 815 00:59:28,791 --> 00:59:34,665 And for Mary, even though Max filled her with confidence... 816 00:59:34,666 --> 00:59:35,665 Bullseye! 817 00:59:35,666 --> 00:59:39,290 ..her world was far from perfect. 818 00:59:39,291 --> 00:59:42,915 The grip of love had her by the throat. 819 00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:50,040 [Giggles nervously] 820 00:59:52,916 --> 00:59:55,915 [Sad rippling piano and brass] 821 00:59:55,916 --> 00:59:58,332 [Screams] 822 00:59:58,333 --> 01:00:00,707 [Thunder, rain pattering] 823 01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:08,999 At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1 988... 824 01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:10,999 [Whistle blows] 825 01:00:11,041 --> 01:00:15,832 ..Noel Norman Dinkle attached his last string 826 01:00:15,833 --> 01:00:22,165 and, after 40 years and 40 million tea bags, he retired. 827 01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:27,332 To celebrate, Noel announced he was retiring from taxidermy 828 01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:31,165 and taking up metal detecting instead. 829 01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:34,957 But, sadly, it was not a hobby he had for long. 830 01:00:39,333 --> 01:00:41,207 [Loud rumbling] 831 01:00:46,166 --> 01:00:49,457 [Metal detector beeps] 832 01:00:50,458 --> 01:00:53,790 [Melancholy cello and piano] 833 01:01:00,958 --> 01:01:03,707 [Mary sobs quietly] 834 01:01:12,208 --> 01:01:15,749 ln his will, Noel had left Mary some money 835 01:01:15,750 --> 01:01:20,832 so she decided to go to university and study disorders of the mind, 836 01:01:20,875 --> 01:01:24,832 yearning to learn more about her friend. 837 01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:30,957 Mary was as popular at university as she was at school. 838 01:01:30,958 --> 01:01:34,415 Damian went there too, aching to be a Thespian. 839 01:01:34,416 --> 01:01:37,415 Hi there, M-M-Mary. 840 01:01:37,416 --> 01:01:41,165 Hi...hello! 841 01:01:44,958 --> 01:01:50,499 [They laugh] 842 01:01:50,500 --> 01:01:53,332 [Damian] : That was damn f-f-funny! 843 01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:55,332 [She sobs] 844 01:02:10,750 --> 01:02:13,624 [Rippling piano and strings] 845 01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:30,082 Hey, Damian, your mum's roses look fab! 846 01:02:30,083 --> 01:02:32,665 Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary. 847 01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:35,207 Um. M-Mary, can l tell you something? 848 01:02:35,208 --> 01:02:37,124 Sure, babe! 849 01:02:37,125 --> 01:02:42,374 Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo on your shoe. 850 01:02:43,958 --> 01:02:46,374 [Mary sobs] 851 01:02:54,541 --> 01:02:56,540 [Mary]: Dear Max, 852 01:02:56,541 --> 01:02:58,540 l have been such an idiot. 853 01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:01,040 l've wasted all my money on something pointless 854 01:03:01,041 --> 01:03:03,040 when l should have been saving to see you. 855 01:03:04,958 --> 01:03:08,165 l know love upsets you so l won't go on about it. 856 01:03:08,166 --> 01:03:12,707 All l want to say is that love is obviously not for me. 857 01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:17,124 l hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes l've enclosed. 858 01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:18,582 Love Mary. 859 01:03:19,500 --> 01:03:21,874 [Swallows loudly] 860 01:03:33,250 --> 01:03:35,957 Oh, you should be ashamed! 861 01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:38,374 - Come on, baby. Let's go. - Oh, Mum... 862 01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:41,665 l told you never to talk to strangers. 863 01:03:43,541 --> 01:03:45,124 [Ting!] 864 01:03:46,625 --> 01:03:50,499 [Dogs howl distantly, Vera hums a tune] 865 01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:55,915 [Narrator]: Noel's sudden death had filled Vera with remorse and guilt 866 01:03:55,916 --> 01:04:00,457 and she coped in the only way she knew. 867 01:04:05,375 --> 01:04:09,124 [Vera hums a sad tune] 868 01:04:24,791 --> 01:04:25,999 [Bottle smashes] 869 01:04:27,916 --> 01:04:30,124 [Vera drinks] 870 01:04:32,708 --> 01:04:35,707 [She coughs repeatedly and retches] 871 01:04:48,833 --> 01:04:51,832 [Quiet, foreboding music] 872 01:05:32,166 --> 01:05:34,957 ['Zorba the Greek' plays softly] 873 01:05:36,291 --> 01:05:37,957 [Mary]: Dear Max, 874 01:05:37,958 --> 01:05:41,582 our wedding day was everything l have ever dreamt, 875 01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:44,624 making up for the terrible year l've had. 876 01:05:44,625 --> 01:05:46,832  " 877 01:05:46,875 --> 01:05:49,707 Although all the guests were Damian's family and friends, 878 01:05:49,708 --> 01:05:51,832 l felt very welcome. 879 01:05:55,458 --> 01:06:00,207 Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. 880 01:06:00,208 --> 01:06:01,582 And for our honeymoon 881 01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:05,082 he took me to Mykonos - his favourite island in Greece. 882 01:06:05,166 --> 01:06:06,915 l got to ride a donkey 883 01:06:06,916 --> 01:06:10,582 and found the perfect gift for Len. 884 01:06:10,583 --> 01:06:14,707 Poor Len, he's still struggling with his agoraphobia. 885 01:06:14,708 --> 01:06:15,957 [Horn beeps] 886 01:06:15,958 --> 01:06:18,582 Aaaaahhhh! 887 01:06:18,583 --> 01:06:21,749 [Tyres screech, car crashes] 888 01:06:22,791 --> 01:06:25,582 Damian and l are so similar. 889 01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:29,832 He even has his own penfriend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand. 890 01:06:30,833 --> 01:06:32,665 [She giggles] 891 01:06:33,583 --> 01:06:35,624 [Damian]: Mary...M-M-M-Mary. 892 01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,582 [Damian]: Mary...M-M-M-Mary. [Bed squeaks] 893 01:06:38,625 --> 01:06:40,332 [Mary] : Ohhh. 894 01:06:41,375 --> 01:06:45,874 Mary was bursting with self-esteem 895 01:06:45,875 --> 01:06:48,874 and her confidence was almost unbearable. 896 01:06:48,875 --> 01:06:50,874 [She purrs seductively] 897 01:06:50,875 --> 01:06:53,582 At university, she shone 898 01:06:53,583 --> 01:06:58,957 and took it upon herself to cure the world of mental illness. 899 01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:05,332 [Rippling piano and strings] 900 01:07:05,375 --> 01:07:08,915 She did her thesis on Asperger's syndrome 901 01:07:08,916 --> 01:07:12,957 and used Max as her case study. 902 01:07:13,041 --> 01:07:15,749 Her professors were thoroughly impressed 903 01:07:15,750 --> 01:07:19,624 and her writing praised far and wide. 904 01:07:19,625 --> 01:07:23,290 Soon, publishers queued to print her unique insight 905 01:07:23,291 --> 01:07:30,915 and by her 25th birthday, thousands of copies were ready to be shipped. 906 01:07:30,916 --> 01:07:32,749 [Mary]: Dear Max, 907 01:07:32,750 --> 01:07:34,374 l am very proud to give you 908 01:07:34,375 --> 01:07:37,915 the very first copy of my book about your disability 909 01:07:37,916 --> 01:07:42,374 and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. 910 01:07:43,291 --> 01:07:44,290 Even more exciting 911 01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:50,082 is that l am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week's time. 912 01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:53,415 l'm also going to give you half the royalties. 913 01:07:53,416 --> 01:07:56,915 Your loving friend, Mary. 914 01:07:56,916 --> 01:08:01,457 PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds. 915 01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:10,915 [Narrator]: Max didn't take the news very well - 916 01:08:10,916 --> 01:08:13,915 not very well at all. 917 01:08:13,916 --> 01:08:16,790 [Max]: Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, 918 01:08:16,791 --> 01:08:22,124 l cannot express myself very clearly at this moment 919 01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:28,540 and so l will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense - 920 01:08:28,541 --> 01:08:36,082 hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. 921 01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:39,457 This last one is not really an emotion 922 01:08:39,458 --> 01:08:42,124 but l thought you should know about it anyway. 923 01:08:50,416 --> 01:08:54,165 [Max's heart beats loudly] 924 01:08:54,166 --> 01:08:56,832 [He roars] 925 01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:18,999 With her suitcase packed for New York, Mary said goodbye to Damian. 926 01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:26,832 She hadn't been this excited since she'd found a Noblet in the gutter. 927 01:09:26,833 --> 01:09:31,207 But her excitement suddenly dribbled away 928 01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:33,832 like a chocolate in the sun. 929 01:09:37,250 --> 01:09:41,374 [Soprano sings sadly, thunder rumbles] 930 01:10:13,958 --> 01:10:15,957 [Singing intensifies] 931 01:10:18,375 --> 01:10:21,874 [Violent shredding noises] 932 01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:50,165 Mary slowly sank into a puddle of depression, self-loathing 933 01:10:50,250 --> 01:10:52,540 and cooking sherry. 934 01:10:52,541 --> 01:10:58,207 The only colour left in her life was her beloved Damian, 935 01:10:58,208 --> 01:11:04,207 only an arm's length away but as distant as the moon. 936 01:11:04,208 --> 01:11:07,290 [TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music] 937 01:11:09,208 --> 01:11:14,749 She lost interest in the world and it lost interest in her 938 01:11:14,750 --> 01:11:19,832 as a horrible apparition began to haunt. 939 01:11:19,833 --> 01:11:24,082 She started to spend her nights making pompoms 940 01:11:24,083 --> 01:11:27,624 and eating two-minute noodles. 941 01:11:34,666 --> 01:11:37,790 [Mournful cello solo] 942 01:11:58,291 --> 01:12:01,374 [Max wheezes] 943 01:12:27,958 --> 01:12:30,540 [Funky jazz organ] 944 01:12:30,541 --> 01:12:33,999 Each day, with strength and shame, 945 01:12:34,041 --> 01:12:38,249 Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope, 946 01:12:38,250 --> 01:12:43,499 only to swivel, shrivel and slink back inside. 947 01:12:43,541 --> 01:12:46,540 [Swing brass] 948 01:13:16,041 --> 01:13:20,457 [Rooster clucks and crows] 949 01:13:20,458 --> 01:13:22,415 [Mary gasps, crashes off couch] 950 01:13:25,416 --> 01:13:28,415 [Swing brass] 951 01:13:37,541 --> 01:13:39,540 [Damian] : My dearest Mary, 952 01:13:39,541 --> 01:13:42,957 by the time you read this, l will be on a plane to New Zealand 953 01:13:42,958 --> 01:13:45,290 to begin a new life. 954 01:13:45,333 --> 01:13:49,415 You probably haven't even noticed l'd packed my bags. 955 01:13:49,416 --> 01:13:54,040 I have fallen in love with my penfriend, Desmond, 956 01:13:54,041 --> 01:13:56,707 and I'm going to live on his sheep farm. 957 01:13:56,708 --> 01:13:59,165 [Sheep baa] 958 01:13:59,166 --> 01:14:02,832 lt's been hard to watch you become a remnant of the person I once loved. 959 01:14:02,833 --> 01:14:05,749 Your research into m-m-mental illness has been admirable 960 01:14:05,750 --> 01:14:11,040 but your i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it has been misguided. 961 01:14:11,041 --> 01:14:14,332 Mary, you have to realise y-you are not a magic beauty cream 962 01:14:14,375 --> 01:14:18,832 you can smooth on the world to rid it of its wrinkles. 963 01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:20,707 l love you, Mary, 964 01:14:20,708 --> 01:14:23,957 but l love Desmond more. 965 01:14:23,958 --> 01:14:27,332 l hope one day your heart will heal and we can be friends. 966 01:14:27,333 --> 01:14:30,499 Yours compassionately, Damian. 967 01:14:37,166 --> 01:14:40,832 [Sad piano solo] 968 01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:46,540 [Distant sirens] 969 01:14:53,333 --> 01:14:56,207 [Max]: Aaaarghh! 970 01:14:56,208 --> 01:14:58,415 Dear Mayor Ridiculani, 971 01:14:58,416 --> 01:15:06,665 on Monday l counted 27 people illegally dropping cigarette butts. 972 01:15:06,666 --> 01:15:09,332 l would like to recommend the fine be increased 973 01:15:09,333 --> 01:15:14,540 to a minimum of $1 million as a stronger deterrent 974 01:15:14,583 --> 01:15:17,957 and would be happy... 975 01:15:32,958 --> 01:15:36,457 [Max groans] 976 01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:47,832 [Warning bell rings] 977 01:15:51,083 --> 01:15:54,832 Thank you. 978 01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:10,874 [He inhales] 979 01:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,332 [Max gasps] 980 01:16:25,458 --> 01:16:27,457 [Ominous music] 981 01:16:27,458 --> 01:16:28,999 [Max yells] 982 01:16:37,791 --> 01:16:39,957 Sorry. 983 01:16:44,416 --> 01:16:47,040 [Distant city noises] 984 01:16:59,958 --> 01:17:02,124 Dear Mary, 985 01:17:02,125 --> 01:17:06,582 please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection 986 01:17:06,583 --> 01:17:09,874 as a sign that l forgive you. 987 01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:14,624 When l received your book, the emotions inside... 988 01:17:33,125 --> 01:17:36,124 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 989 01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:16,124 [Narrator]: On the way home, Max sat to count the stars. 990 01:18:16,125 --> 01:18:18,790 He felt complete - 991 01:18:18,791 --> 01:18:21,957 the world was back in balance. 992 01:18:27,125 --> 01:18:30,499 [Jazzy Russian folk music] 993 01:18:38,125 --> 01:18:40,749 [Lonely cello solo] 994 01:18:41,208 --> 01:18:43,665 [Rooster snores] 995 01:19:00,958 --> 01:19:02,957 [Fly buzzes, rooster snores] 996 01:19:12,500 --> 01:19:15,082 [Thunder rumbles, rain patters] 997 01:19:35,416 --> 01:19:37,415 [Mystical rippling music] 998 01:19:43,666 --> 01:19:49,165 [Mary sings]  When l was just a little girl 999 01:19:49,166 --> 01:19:55,165  l asked my mother, what will l be? 1000 01:19:56,291 --> 01:20:02,665  Will l be pretty, will l be rich? 1001 01:20:02,666 --> 01:20:07,040  Here's what she said to me... 1002 01:20:07,041 --> 01:20:12,999  Que sera sera 1003 01:20:13,000 --> 01:20:18,665  Whatever will be will be 1004 01:20:18,666 --> 01:20:23,790  The future's not ours to see 1005 01:20:23,791 --> 01:20:28,540  Que sera sera 1006 01:20:40,375 --> 01:20:43,374 [Discordant instrumental interlude] 1007 01:20:54,625 --> 01:20:59,290  Que sera sera 1008 01:20:59,291 --> 01:21:05,249  Whatever will be will be 1009 01:21:05,250 --> 01:21:10,499  The future's not ours to see 1010 01:21:10,500 --> 01:21:15,040  Que sera sera 1011 01:21:16,166 --> 01:21:20,499  What will be will be 1012 01:21:22,375 --> 01:21:26,415  Que sera sera " 1013 01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:29,165 [Knock at door] 1014 01:21:34,583 --> 01:21:38,165 [Knocking continues] 1015 01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,957 [Dogs bark] 1016 01:21:48,708 --> 01:21:50,124 [Len]: Ah! 1017 01:21:50,166 --> 01:21:54,290 [Narrator]: Len had saved the day and after 45 years 1018 01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:59,165 he finally conquered his agoraphobia. 1019 01:22:03,250 --> 01:22:04,707 [Driver]: Moron! 1020 01:22:04,708 --> 01:22:06,165 [Len laughs triumphantly] 1021 01:22:14,583 --> 01:22:16,124 [Max]: Dear Mary, 1022 01:22:16,125 --> 01:22:20,957 please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection 1023 01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:24,999 as a sign that l forgive you. 1024 01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:28,957 When l received your book, the emotions inside my brain 1025 01:22:28,958 --> 01:22:34,040 felt like they were in a tumble dryer, smashing into each other. 1026 01:22:35,250 --> 01:22:39,707 The hurt felt like when l accidentally stapled my lips together. 1027 01:22:39,708 --> 01:22:41,415 Ow! 1028 01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:46,999 The reason l forgive you is because you are not perfect. 1029 01:22:47,000 --> 01:22:50,999 You are imperfect, and so am l. 1030 01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:53,999 All humans are imperfect, 1031 01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:58,415 even the man outside my apartment who litters. 1032 01:22:58,458 --> 01:23:04,915 When l was young, l wanted to be anybody but myself. 1033 01:23:04,958 --> 01:23:08,957 Dr Bernard Hazelhof said if l was on a desert island 1034 01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:12,665 then l would have to get used to my own company - 1035 01:23:12,666 --> 01:23:15,915 just me and the coconuts. 1036 01:23:15,958 --> 01:23:22,540 He said l would have to accept myself, my warts and all, 1037 01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:25,540 and that we don't get to choose our warts. 1038 01:23:25,541 --> 01:23:29,207 They are a part of us and we have to live with them. 1039 01:23:31,041 --> 01:23:35,207 We can, however, choose our friends 1040 01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:40,540 and l am glad l have chosen you. 1041 01:23:40,541 --> 01:23:43,707 Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said 1042 01:23:43,750 --> 01:23:48,249 that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. 1043 01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:52,957 Some are well paved. Others, like mine, 1044 01:23:52,958 --> 01:23:58,540 have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. 1045 01:23:58,541 --> 01:24:05,540 Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. 1046 01:24:05,583 --> 01:24:09,582 Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet 1047 01:24:09,666 --> 01:24:13,249 and we can share a can of condensed milk. 1048 01:24:14,875 --> 01:24:17,040 [She slurps] 1049 01:24:17,041 --> 01:24:23,332 You are my best friend. You are my only friend. 1050 01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:28,790 Your American penpal, Max Jerry Horowitz. 1051 01:24:30,041 --> 01:24:35,040 PS. l have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. 1052 01:24:35,041 --> 01:24:39,874 All l have to do is eat things and tick boxes. 1053 01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:45,540 [Birdsong] 1054 01:24:54,625 --> 01:24:57,749 [Sirens in distance] 1055 01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:06,749 [Rippling piano and strings] 1056 01:25:13,208 --> 01:25:16,249 [Baby gurgles] 1057 01:25:20,750 --> 01:25:22,749 [Lift bell dings] 1058 01:25:27,875 --> 01:25:30,874 [Music plays in distance] 1059 01:25:48,958 --> 01:25:51,124 [TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music] 1060 01:26:01,625 --> 01:26:16,082 Max? 1061 01:26:17,833 --> 01:26:19,832 Hello? 1062 01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:25,957 Max, it's us! 1063 01:26:26,000 --> 01:26:28,249 We're here! 1064 01:26:30,458 --> 01:26:33,249 Oh, Max? 1065 01:26:34,958 --> 01:26:38,499 [Alto singing serenely with woodwind] 1066 01:26:39,583 --> 01:26:44,374 [Narrator]: Max had died peacefully that morning 1067 01:26:44,375 --> 01:26:48,540 after finishing his final can of condensed milk. 1068 01:26:49,458 --> 01:26:51,207  " 1069 01:27:05,375 --> 01:27:07,457 [Baby gurgles] 1070 01:27:39,375 --> 01:27:43,124 [Alto singing serenely with woodwind] 1071 01:27:52,000 --> 01:27:53,832 [She gasps] 1072 01:28:00,250 --> 01:28:05,999 [Max's voice]: You are my best friend. You are my only friend. 1073 01:28:11,583 --> 01:28:17,082 [Narrator]: He smelt like liquorice and old books, she thought to herself, 1074 01:28:17,083 --> 01:28:20,790 as tears rolled from her eyes 1075 01:28:20,791 --> 01:28:24,749 the colour of muddy puddles. 1076 01:29:00,166 --> 01:29:02,290  "