1 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,517 Here, in Malaysia, there is a sense of euphoria, 2 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,639 as the new Prime Minister gives this impoverished nation the gift of hope, 3 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:51,918 promising to raise the sub-standard minimum wage and end child labour. 4 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,514 Already considered a living saint, 5 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,196 he has become this small country's greatest hope for the new millennium. 6 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,712 Che cosa, Jaco? 7 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,589 This is disgusting. How could you let this happen? 8 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,196 I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio. 9 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,351 I have tried bribes, I have tried gifts... 10 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,559 I even sent him some pet oxen. They love that crap in Malaysia. 11 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,597 But he won't budge! 12 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:24,276 Listen, 50 per cent of my inventory is manufactured in Malaysian sweatshops. 13 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,118 Something has to be done. 14 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,555 If Malaysia goes, what is next? 15 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:33,111 - My entire panty line is made in Vietnam! - We'll all go bankrupt. 16 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,670 The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu. 17 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,710 What? No, I don't have time for this. 18 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,509 Perhaps you'd rather go back to churning out novelty neckties? 19 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,035 But my new fall line is almost due. 20 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,273 And I trust you would like to live to see your spring line as well? 21 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:56,514 The Malaysian Prime Minister visits New York in 14 days. Do it then. 22 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,956 That's Fashion Week. It's impossible! I have a show. 23 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,918 It's perfect. Invite him to be your guest of honour. 24 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,117 That's not enough time to recruit and train an operative. 25 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,149 What about Fabio? 26 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:14,155 Too smart. This is a rush job. He's got to be extremely dim-witted. 27 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,958 You know the profile. 28 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:21,433 A beautiful, self-absorbed simpleton who can be moulded like Jell-O. 29 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,239 - Or cookie dough. - Or Play-Doh. 30 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,595 Any kind of dough. 31 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:32,232 We need an empty vessel. A shallow, dumb, vacuous moron. 32 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,868 When he has finished, we'll dispose of him. 33 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,314 But who? 34 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,678 Where in all of God's green goodness will I find someone that beef-headed? 35 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,039 - Derek, just a few more questions, OK? - Cool. 36 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,839 When did you know you wanted to be a model? 37 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,549 I guess it was the first time I went through the Second Grade. 38 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,030 I caught my reflection in a spoon while eating my cereal. 39 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:02,830 I thought, "Wow, you're good-looking! Maybe you could do that for a career." 40 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,753 - Do what? - Be professionally good-looking. 41 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,595 Right... What is your trademark, if you have one? 42 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:14,311 - My best known look is "Blue Steel". - What is that look like? 43 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,555 - It's impressive. - And then there's "Ferrari". 44 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,679 And "Le Tigre". It's a lot softer. It's more of a catalogue look. 45 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,116 - I use it for footwear sometimes. - Can I see that? 46 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,759 Without Derek Zoolander, male modelling wouldn't be what it is today. 47 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,353 He is a fashion icon. 48 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,069 Do you spend a lot of time working on these looks? 49 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,279 Oh, sure. I've been working on "Magnum" for the last eight or nine years. 50 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,396 "Magnum? " That's intriguing. 51 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,750 - Can I see that? - Are you kidding? 52 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,151 I shouldn't be talking about it. It's nowhere near ready. 53 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,988 It's like there's a light around him. He exudes beauty. 54 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,037 I think about Derek every time I design a collection. 55 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:12,034 Derek, maybe you're familiar with the belief of some aboriginal tribes 56 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,998 that a photo might steal a part of your soul. 57 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,711 What are your thoughts on that as a man who gets photographed for a living? 58 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,553 That "Blue Steel" look he does... Oh, gosh! 59 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,756 The style and the hair! 60 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,390 It's almost like the new Afro for the white man. It's beautiful. 61 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,916 I'd have to answer your question with another question. 62 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,555 How many abodiginals do you see modelling? 63 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:41,316 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the VH1Fashion Awards. 64 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,153 There he is, three-time "Male Model Of The Year", Derek Zoolander. 65 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,469 He's like a muse. 66 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,155 The proud owner of "Blue Steel" - the look that made him a legend. 67 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,117 He's almost too good-looking. 68 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,631 That would be my... my main deterrent in...you know... 69 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,870 in considering a relationship. 70 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,873 And that's who Derek Zoolander is defending his title against tonight: 71 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,393 Hansel. 72 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,998 All right, all right. 73 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,948 The rookie sensation who's burned his way into the eyes of the fashion world 74 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,680 and left them clawing their faces for more. 75 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,239 Mugatu sucks! Support the Prime Minister. 76 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,312 Mugatu uses slave labour! 77 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,793 Don't you hate that at an event like this? 78 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,713 Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people. 79 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,350 Mugatu has been accused of exploiting cheap Malaysian workers 80 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,239 to make most of the garment industry's clothes. 81 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,320 - Derek. - Hey, Steve. How are you doing? 82 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,870 You're going for your fourth award. Are you nervous? 83 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,953 Well, I've got a couple of butterflies in my basket, but I'm OK. 84 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,793 Can you tell us about your new look? 85 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:08,431 Actually, it's not yet perfected. But I can tell you that it's called "Magnum". 86 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,275 - Shut up, baby! - If I say more, he'll kill me. 87 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,672 You got that right! Maury Ballstein - Balls Models. 88 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,196 Maury, you've handled every important male model for 30 years. 89 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:25,275 - What do you think of Derek's chances? - Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody! 90 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,671 I gotta get inside, I'm shvitzing like a shmedndrik! 91 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:43,118 - Are you worried about Hansel? - Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. 92 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:47,876 Put that Hansel and Gretel in your article. I want people to know I can be funny. 93 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,474 Believe me, they'll know! It hits newsstands tomorrow. 94 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,553 Excuse me, Mr Mugatu. Matilda Jefferies, "Time Magazine". 95 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,076 Any comment on the wage increases for Malaysian garment workers? 96 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,674 - No, he hasn't. - Let him speak for himself. 97 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,798 Isn't it true you want the Prime Minister out of power 98 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,110 so you can exploit Malaysian labour? 99 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,999 Mugatu, screw you and your little dog too! 100 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,230 Look out, she's got an egg! 101 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,993 Yes... 102 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,038 Yes! Wow! 103 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:24,194 I can't tell you how much it means to me to receive this beautiful award. 104 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:28,990 We have a serious problem. This Malaysian thing is getting out of hand. 105 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,991 I hear you, Jaco. 106 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:37,429 The "Slashie" means that you consider me the best actor / model, 107 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,670 and not the other way around. 108 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,715 This proposed wage increase could ruin us. 109 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,872 I need it taken care of. I have people to answer to. 110 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,990 Now the important stuff. 111 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,277 These ain't no "slashes" folks. These are the pure breeds. 112 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,432 Here are the nominees for "Male Model Of The Year". 113 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,716 Young, hot, brash. 114 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:04,429 With more covers in his first year than any rookie model, 115 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,910 and an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only fashion". 116 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,469 That Hansel's so hot right now. 117 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,115 I hear a lot of words like beauty and handsome, incredibly chiselled features. 118 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:21,070 To me that's a vanity and self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. 119 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,313 I dig the bungee. It's the way I live my life. I grip it and I rip it. 120 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,869 I live with a lot of flair and on the edge. 121 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,393 I gotta be. 122 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,712 I wasn't like other kids, dreaming of being an astronaut. 123 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:38,271 I was always interested in what bark on a tree was made out of. 124 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,079 Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. 125 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,879 Sting is another person who's a hero. 126 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:49,273 I don't really listen to his music but I respect the fact that he's making it. 127 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,635 I care desperately about what I do. 128 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,952 Do I know what product I'm selling? Do I know what I'm doing today? No. 129 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,032 But I'm here and I'll give it my best shot. 130 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,599 Hansel. 131 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:11,753 Over the past decade, male-modelling has had a shadow cast over it by one man 132 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:15,833 and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-lan-der. 133 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,073 Modelling to me isn't just about being good-looking 134 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,437 or having a lot of fun and being really good-looking. 135 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,349 The calendar gave people a chance to see my versatility. 136 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,274 The Greek word "model" means misshapen ball of clay. 137 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,954 I think about that every time I'm in front of the camera. 138 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,588 Three-time "Male Model Of The Year", 139 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,432 Derek Zoolander. 140 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,829 And the award goes to... 141 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,717 ...Hansel. 142 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,797 Thank you, Lenny. 143 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:27,475 A lot of people said winning this award four years running couldn't happen. 144 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,156 Well, I guess I showed... 145 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,319 I think we've found our solution. 146 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,196 No, not Derek. 147 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,749 He's perfect. You know it. Make it happen. 148 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,873 It stings me like a fissure in my ass, but you're right. He's ready. 149 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,829 Who am l? 150 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,638 I don't know. 151 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,199 I guess I have a lot of things to ponder. 152 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,992 Hey! Results are in, amigo. What's left to ponder? 153 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,554 Nice comeback. 154 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,113 - I can't stand Hansel. - I know, right! 155 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,794 Riding on that scooter like he's so cool. 156 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,997 - And the way he combs his hair. - Like doesn't! 157 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:01,278 It's like ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? 158 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,398 I'm sure he has. He's a male model. 159 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:09,759 - Earth to Brint. It was a joke. - Earth to Meekus. I knew that. 160 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,876 Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure. 161 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,508 You were all, "I'm sure he's heard of styling gel" 162 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,399 Iike you didn't know it was a joke. 163 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,349 I just didn't get it right away. 164 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,990 - Earth to Brint... - Would you guys stop it? 165 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:28,278 Did you think maybe there's more to life than being really, 166 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,079 really ridiculously good-looking? 167 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,273 Maybe we should be doing something more meaningful with our lives... 168 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,317 Iike helping people. 169 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,640 Derek, what people? 170 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,795 I don't know. People who need help. 171 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,077 Models make people feel good about themselves. 172 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,313 They also show them how to dress cool and wear their hair in interesting ways. 173 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,232 I guess so. 174 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,312 You know what could help with these important issues? 175 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,959 What? 176 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,953 Orange mocha frappucino! 177 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,230 Come on, man. 178 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,157 "Derek Zoolander: A Model ldiot? " 179 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:55,231 Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. 180 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,597 And when I say brother, I don't mean a real brother. 181 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,274 I mean it like the way black people use it, 182 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,910 which is more meaningful, I think. 183 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,356 If there's anything this horrible tragedy can teach us 184 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,274 is that a male model's life is a precious commodity. 185 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,389 Just because we have chiselled and stunning features... 186 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:23,634 it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. 187 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,876 So, ladies and gentlemen, 188 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:31,477 I would like to take this opportunity to announce my... 189 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,672 Hansel - so hot right now. Hansel. 190 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,792 I would like to take this opportunity... 191 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:51,432 People. I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modelling profession. 192 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,109 What? 193 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,478 I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really good-looking. 194 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,995 I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you. 195 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,352 Mr Mugatu, if I could just have a moment of your time. 196 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,512 Just one minute of your time. Please, sir. 197 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,997 What do you want? 198 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,958 Talking to Mugatu is tougher than getting to the President. 199 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,078 I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogolizer I am. 200 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,195 A what? 201 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:25,511 A eugoogolizer. One who speaks at funerals. 202 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,351 Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was? 203 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,840 How could you write those terrible things about me? 204 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:39,949 Derek, my editor put that headline on it. I'm sorry. I know it was kind of harsh. 205 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:45,148 Fortunately, not many people I know read "Time Magazine", or whatever it's called. 206 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,595 Maybe you can do me a favour. 207 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,479 I just want some background information on Mugatu. 208 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:55,350 If you knew anything you'd know he's the one designer who's never hired me. 209 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,115 - Come on. There's got to be... - Sorry, lady. Not interested. 210 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,512 Now, if you'll excuse me. I've got an after-funeral party to attend. 211 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,155 Go back home? You're overreacting. 212 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,311 I want to do something meaningful with my life. 213 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,755 I have deeper thoughts on my mind. 214 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:17,630 The other day I was thinking of teaching underprivileged children how to read. 215 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,554 Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had. 216 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,756 I don't think you're cut out for that. 217 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,672 I could have my own institute. 218 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,833 We could call it The Derek Zoolander Centre For Kids Who Can't Read... 219 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,913 ...Good. 220 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:36,551 We built this place together. Look out! 221 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,877 When we met, you couldn't book a goddamn Sears catalogue 222 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,237 and couldn't turn left to save your ass. Now look at you. 223 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,278 - I can turn left. - Yeah, right. 224 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,399 Some male models go left at the end of the runway. Others go right. 225 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,074 You got a lot of gifts but hanging a "louie" isn't one of them. 226 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,912 Sit down. 227 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,156 You want to hear some great news? 228 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,272 Mugatu wants you for his new campaign. 229 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,512 Didn't you hear me? I just retired. 230 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,432 But this is Mugatu. 231 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,795 Right now, this guy is so hot. 232 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,157 He can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it 233 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,959 and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. 234 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,792 You're the laughing stock of the entire fashion world. 235 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,117 What do we do when we fall off the horse? 236 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,951 We get back on. 237 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,993 Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast. 238 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,190 I'm going back home. I need to get in touch with my roots. 239 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,828 Figure out who I am. See you around, Maury. 240 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,839 Hey, Pop? 241 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,232 It's me. 242 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:36,480 Scrappy, Luke, remember your brother? 243 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,029 What do you want? 244 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,839 I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys. 245 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,073 All the Zoolander men together again like when we were kids. 246 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,550 Times have changed. You wouldn't last a day. 247 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,110 Can't you even pretend to be happy to see me, Pop? 248 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:58,638 Damn it, Derek. I'm a coalminer, not a professional actor. 249 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,950 Do us all a favour and... 250 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,228 ...get out of here. 251 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,516 Pop, wait. Please. 252 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,830 Give me a chance. 253 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,070 I won't let you down. I promise. 254 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,793 Hold very still. 255 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,235 I'm working right now. 256 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,628 - This... - Ouch! 257 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,598 I'm sorry. Did my pin get in the way of your ass? 258 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:33,072 Do me a favour. Lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building now. 259 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,269 Get out! 260 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,512 I'm so tired. No, Todd. Not now. 261 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:39,954 It's Maury. 262 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,519 Tell me something good. 263 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,673 - You may have to look for someone else. - There is no one else. 264 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,515 - The show is in ten days. - I hear you, but he's mixed up. 265 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:54,708 He went home. He's talking of tutoring underprivileged retards or some shit. 266 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,031 I don't care what it takes. Get him back. 267 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,876 - We're running out of time. Capisce? - Yeah. Now if I can only ca-piss. 268 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,316 My prostate is flaring up like a torch. 269 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:10,837 Give me a little pee-pee. A couple of drops. 270 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,798 That's what I'm talking about! 271 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,474 Surprise! 272 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,238 What the matter with you? 273 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,757 - Machecko back to pass. - He's feeling pressure from Pressman. 274 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,876 John Deruso, the wide receiver. 275 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,395 He's got 'em wide open in the middle of the field. 276 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,595 Big rush! 277 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,398 Who's winning? 278 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:22,709 State. 279 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,358 I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. 280 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,556 It's not well ventilated down there. 281 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,756 For Christ's sake. You've been down there one day. 282 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,229 Talk to me in 30 years. 283 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,318 Moisture is the essence of wetness. 284 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:58,391 And wetness is the essence of beauty. 285 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,751 Why did you have to come back to this damn town? 286 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,918 I wanted to make a new life for myself. 287 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,514 I'm sorry I was born with perfect bone structure 288 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,955 that my hair looks better with gel and mousse 289 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:24,192 than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. 290 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:28,239 All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me. 291 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,436 With male modelling? 292 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,875 Prancing around in your underwear 293 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,998 with your weener hanging out for everyone to see? 294 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,271 You're dead to me, boy. 295 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,357 You're more dead to me than your dead mother. 296 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:51,711 I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid. 297 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,559 Mer-man. 298 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,431 Mer-man! 299 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,916 Who am l? 300 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,673 Hello. Derek, you hearing me? 301 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,673 - God? - What the shit are you talking about? 302 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,798 It's me, Maury. I hope you've finished touching your roots. 303 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,032 Mugatu's making an offer you won't believe. You got to get back. 304 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,629 To tell you the truth. I was a little hesitant, Mr Mugatu. 305 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,952 I mean, you've never hired me before and I've been around for... 306 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,635 Ages and ages. I never wanted anything from you. 307 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,870 Now you're retired, I can't have you. 308 00:25:56,040 --> 00:26:00,079 It's funny how it switches. But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted. 309 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,232 When Maury told me what you were willing to do... 310 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:11,794 Todd, are you not aware I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte? 311 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,190 My mistake, Jacobim. 312 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,715 Your mistake indeed. 313 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:27,997 Yes, Derek. 314 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,348 What Maury said I was willing to do for you. 315 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,910 Let's get back to the reason why we're really here. 316 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,880 Without much further ado, I give you... 317 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:45,313 The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 318 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,956 What is this? 319 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,999 A centre for ants? 320 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,878 What? 321 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:14,113 How can children to learn to read if they can't even fit inside the building? 322 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,074 - Derek, it's just... - I don't want excuses. 323 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,959 The centre has to be at least... 324 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,911 ...three times bigger than this. 325 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,676 He's absolutely right. 326 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,114 Thank you. 327 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,795 - I have a vision. - And so do l. 328 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,996 Let me show you mine. 329 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,311 I can't help you. I know nothing about Mugatu. 330 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:45,235 You've represented every male model in his campaigns. You must know him. 331 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,391 Even if I did, why would I talk to you? 332 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:52,315 Why did you pick on Derek Zoolander in that story? He's never hurt a fly. 333 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,436 Don't change the subject. 334 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,878 What about Mugatu's exploitation of Malaysian sweatshop workers? 335 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:03,636 Want an opinion? With a push-up bra, you could have a nice rack of lamb up there. 336 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,270 Let me show you the future of fashion. 337 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,352 Let me show you... 338 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,437 ..."Derelicte". 339 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,637 It's a fashion, a way of life inspired by the homeless, 340 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,633 the vagrants, the crack whores 341 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,519 that make this city unique. 342 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:30,399 And I want you to be the face, the image, nay, the spirit of "Derelicte". 343 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,756 It'll be your glorious comeback. 344 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,319 Sounds cool. 345 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,917 I'd like you to meet Katinka lngabogovinana. 346 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,231 She'll be your day to day on the campaign. 347 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,396 Let's get this model on his way. 348 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:49,555 The big show is in eight days. 349 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,632 Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, 350 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,598 you must become "Derelicte". 351 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,194 You want me to sleep in the gutter? 352 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,999 We're sending you to an exclusive day spa. 353 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:05,392 So exclusive, no one knows about it. Our little secret, OK? 354 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,234 - Matilda, hey. - Hey, Arch, what's up? 355 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:19,916 Nothing. I just been putting together these articles on Mugatu you asked for. 356 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,799 Very thorough. Thank you. 357 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:27,476 I couldn't get any info on him before 1995. He just appeared out of the blue. 358 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,631 Really. That's strange. 359 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,272 - Matilda Jefferies. - Keep pulling the sweater. 360 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,796 - Excuse me. - Eventually the whole thing will unravel. 361 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:41,590 You mean if you pull the thread the whole thing will unravel? 362 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:45,116 Now you're talking. If you want to know more, go to Pier 12. 363 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,510 Things aren't what they seem. 364 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,156 What kind of spa is this? 365 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:04,235 It's designed for deep relaxation. Let's get you loosened up. 366 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,359 I'm sorry. 367 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,598 Matilda, what are you doing here? 368 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,432 I was... 369 00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,955 What are you doing here? I thought you quit the business. 370 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:06,557 Haven't you heard? I'm the new face of Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign. 371 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,274 But you said Mugatu never hires you. 372 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:16,274 He changed his mind. It's only the biggest ever campaign. 373 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,079 What is this? Who are you? 374 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,390 This is private property. Nils! 375 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,590 I suggest you and your K-Mart Jaclyn Smith collection outfit 376 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,389 stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander. 377 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,075 How do you feel, Derek? 378 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:46,674 OK. When's the seaweed wrap? 379 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,796 Shut up now. 380 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,793 I want you to relax. 381 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,475 And breathe deeply. 382 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:00,915 Breathe deeply. 383 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,357 I like this song. 384 00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,556 Of course you do. 385 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,594 Welcome to your relaxation time. 386 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,434 Let this wonderful '80s classic soothe you. 387 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,876 Just a nice, warm, happy time. 388 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:30,828 Happy, happy. Happy. 389 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,354 Nothing to worry about at all. 390 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,511 Just relax. 391 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,148 Hey, there, Derek. My name is Little Kleatus. 392 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:48,474 I'm just a regular kid who wants you to know the truth about child labour laws. 393 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:49,834 OK. 394 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,116 They're silly and outdated. 395 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:56,432 In the good old days, kids as young as five could work as they pleased. 396 00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,229 From textile factories to iron smelts. 397 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:05,439 But today the age-old right of children to work is under attack. 398 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:11,709 From the Philippines to Bangladesh, China and lndia and South America too. 399 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:18,513 But you can help these children, by killing the Prime Minister of Malaysia. He's bad. 400 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:19,669 What? 401 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,075 You'll learn martial arts. 402 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,436 Prime Minister of Malaysia, bad. 403 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,318 Martial arts, good. 404 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,436 Kill naughty man. 405 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:35,192 Obey my dog. 406 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:37,794 On the runway you have one objective. 407 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,873 Do not be distracted by beautiful celebrities. 408 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:49,599 Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister. 409 00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:52,399 Karate chop! Bad man! 410 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,518 Awful man. In your blue suit and spiky black hair. 411 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:59,275 Kill! You're a super-hot Ninja machine. 412 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:10,678 Are you there? 413 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,308 - Hold your horses. - Open the door. 414 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,313 - What a cuckoo dream! - Derek? 415 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:22,116 Are you OK? I've been trying to reach you for a week. 416 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,635 A week? Are you having a whack-attack? 417 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:28,236 - I saw you this afternoon. - That was last Friday. 418 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,632 Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. Day. 419 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,076 D-A-l-Y-E. OK? 420 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:39,995 I think I know what this is about. 421 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,277 I'm very complimented but not interested. 422 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:45,795 - What? - I can't sleep with you. 423 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,316 - My head is killing me... - What are you talking about? 424 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:53,109 - If you want to fool around... - I don't wanna sleep with you. 425 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,312 You've been missing for a week. Look at the date? 426 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,358 Mugatu's "Derelicte" show is tomorrow night. 427 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:01,988 I don't care what the date says. 428 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,233 You have 1200 messages. 429 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,236 That is a bit above average. 430 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,119 What happened in that spa? 431 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:15,477 I don't know. A massage, aromatherapy. 432 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,598 You can't barge into people's lofts wanting sex 433 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,435 then changing your mind, saying they've been at day spa for a week. 434 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,149 - You have been at a day spa for a week. - So what? 435 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:28,993 The world does not revolve around you 436 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,118 and your do whatever it takes, ruin peoples' lives 437 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,875 so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist 438 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,874 no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead along the way 439 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:43,237 so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist 440 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:47,678 no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead along the way... 441 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,793 - I said I was sorry about that article. - Enough. 442 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,234 My head hurts. 443 00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:57,551 And if it is the day you say it is, I have a pre-runway party to attend. 444 00:35:57,720 --> 00:35:58,948 If you'll excuse me. 445 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,475 - By the way... - What? 446 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:08,189 With your complexion, you shouldn't wear your hair pulled back. 447 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:09,588 What are you talking about? 448 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:13,753 It pulls back the skin on your forehead, creating tension which clogs the pores. 449 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,037 That's why you have a light dryness around your scalp. 450 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,270 Do you mind? 451 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:28,833 Cool. 452 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,911 I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense. 453 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,389 Not one little bit. 454 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,119 I just e-mailed you those searches on male models 455 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,350 who've appeared in Mugatu campaigns. 456 00:36:55,520 --> 00:37:02,358 It's weird. It seems all Mugatu's models have a habit of dying in freak accidents. 457 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,520 - Wait a second. - What? 458 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:23,872 - Shit. - What's going on? 459 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,437 I don't want to hang out. I just need to speak to Derek Zoolander. 460 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:35,910 I thought the way you handled losing the award to Hansel 461 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:40,312 then you laid low for a while, and then made your comeback... 462 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,471 It was so courageous. 463 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:48,272 I have to pee, but I'd like to continue this conversation when I come back. 464 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,995 - Everything cool, Derek? - It's great. Thank you. 465 00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:00,829 - You rule. - Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that. 466 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,117 - Hey, Derek. - Hey, Maurice. 467 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:09,876 Derek, back on top, man. 468 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,996 Thanks, Billy. You rock. 469 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:14,355 No, you rock. When are you gonna drop "Magnum" on us? 470 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:19,548 Not yet. Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage. 471 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:23,351 Excuse me, bro'. 472 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,431 You're excused. 473 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,592 And I'm not your bro'. 474 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,515 Whatever, dude. Peace. God bless. 475 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:41,231 Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign. 476 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,470 Maybe next time. 477 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:48,395 - What's that? - Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign. 478 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,869 Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it. 479 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:56,990 We've been bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with monkeys, tripping on acid. 480 00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,913 Changed our whole perspective. 481 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,516 I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, Capitan. 482 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,470 Will you hold this? 483 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,716 I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much. 484 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,994 You think you're too cool for school. 485 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:23,709 But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite... 486 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,239 You aren't. 487 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,960 Who are you trying to get crazy with? 488 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,034 Don't you know I'm loco? 489 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,919 Hey, I got a wacky idea... 490 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,468 What say we settle this on the runway... 491 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,155 ...Han Solo. 492 00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,193 Stop it. 493 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:05,195 Are you challenging me to a walk off? Boo...Iander. 494 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:07,758 Don't do this, Derek. 495 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,672 Listen to your friend, Billy Zane. 496 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:14,635 He's a cool dude. He's trying to help you out. 497 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:15,994 Oh, yeah? 498 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,757 That's a walk off challenge, my friend. 499 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,833 Ten minutes. Old Members Only Warehouse. 500 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,956 You should remember. You're a dinosaur. 501 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:30,076 Let's go. Open up. 502 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,632 I heard some mad stories about him. He's too limber. 503 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,995 Put a cork in it, Zane. 504 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,680 It's a walk off. 505 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,593 This is urgent. Do you have any... 506 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:54,351 Where's everyone going? 507 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:58,479 - Good luck. Kick Hansel's ass. - Thanks, Rico. I'll try. 508 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:01,393 You want to see the real world of male modelling? 509 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:03,994 The one they don't show in magazines or E Channel? 510 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:08,119 I guess. I have something really important to talk to you about. 511 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,430 Not now, Matilda. Han-sell-out is about to have 512 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:14,957 his Han-sell-ass handed to him on a platter with French fried potatoes. 513 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,554 Katinka, thought you might want to know. 514 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,188 Your boy Zoolander's rolling. It's a walk off. 515 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,274 All right who's gonna call this sucker? 516 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:50,309 If nobody has any objections... I believe I might be of service. 517 00:41:56,840 --> 00:42:00,230 Now this'll be a straight walk off, old school rules. 518 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:04,188 First model walks. Second model duplicates then elaborates. 519 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:07,158 OK boys. Let's go to work. 520 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,915 - Age before beauty. - Whatever. 521 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:15,075 Right. 522 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:45,433 Playschool, baby. 523 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:16,956 You got to cut me. I'm blind out there. 524 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,076 Evian. Evian. 525 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,398 Where am l? 526 00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:39,435 Kick it, Haas. 527 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:41,352 I'm going monk. 528 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,673 I gotta go monk. Prayer. Prayer. 529 00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,434 Pray to the great spirit. 530 00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:09,917 Why's he sticking his hand in his pants? 531 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:15,115 Do it, Hansel. 532 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,393 That's it! 533 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:37,872 You're not a kid anymore. You could hurt yourself out there. 534 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,959 I can do this, Tyson. 535 00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:54,434 Thank God I wore underwear today. 536 00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:04,716 He's going for it. 537 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:36,993 Disqualified. 538 00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,109 Derek, come on. 539 00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:51,030 - What's going on? - I think Katinka wants to kill you. 540 00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:55,876 Good. I deserve to die if I can't even beat Han-suck-ass in a walk off. 541 00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:57,712 Derek, that's not true. 542 00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:02,715 He had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you. 543 00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,720 And all he had to do was turn left. 544 00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,038 What do you mean? 545 00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:16,354 I'm not an ambi-turner. It's a problem I had since I was a baby. 546 00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:18,793 I can't turn left. 547 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,593 That's nothing to be ashamed of. 548 00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,912 I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn... 549 00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:33,872 There have got to be some people out there just like you, who can't... 550 00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:34,995 turn... 551 00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,754 turn...Ieft... 552 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:40,635 Hello? 553 00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,553 If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now. 554 00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:45,597 Wait. Who are you? 555 00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,032 - Who was that? - I'm not sure. 556 00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:50,156 I have to go to Saint Adonis Cemetery. 557 00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:53,153 I'll take you to my apartment. Stay there till I get back. 558 00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:57,233 Can I come? I don't want to be alone tonight. 559 00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:11,158 Pedro Scialfa. 560 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:15,388 He died when he was 29. 561 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:19,513 Vin Correjo. 562 00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,600 Derrière extraordinaire. 563 00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:30,108 92 minus 63. 564 00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:33,192 None of them ever made it past 30. 565 00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,115 - I did. - Who are you? 566 00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:42,398 - It's not important. - Are you a ghost? 567 00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,350 He called, Derek. 568 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,750 Let's take a walk. 569 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:53,357 You think Zoolander's in trouble? Think again. 570 00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:56,557 What you stumbled upon goes deeper than you could fathom. 571 00:47:56,720 --> 00:48:00,599 The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination 572 00:48:00,760 --> 00:48:03,035 over the last 200 years. 573 00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:07,034 And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model. 574 00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:10,158 - OK. That's impossible. - Oh, yeah? 575 00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:12,276 Listen and learn, sweetness. 576 00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:14,590 Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? 577 00:48:14,760 --> 00:48:18,912 But who made the wigs and stockings worn by our country's early leaders? 578 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:22,756 Mugatu. 579 00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:25,434 Slaves, Derek. 580 00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:30,754 And without their free labour, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold. 581 00:48:30,920 --> 00:48:33,388 So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth. 582 00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:37,917 The original model / actor to do Mr Lincoln in. 583 00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:39,593 I'll go on. 584 00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:42,593 Dallas, Texas, 1963. 585 00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:46,719 Kennedy put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment 586 00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:50,589 of Cuban manufactured Sansabelt Slacks, very popular at the time. 587 00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:53,228 Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model. 588 00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:54,913 Goddamn right, he wasn't. 589 00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:58,436 But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll were. 590 00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:02,798 Well, what about you? How do you fit into all this? 591 00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:04,712 This nation was swept... 592 00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:06,632 I'll get it, man. 593 00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:13,629 Get over... 594 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:15,199 Wait a minute. 595 00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,197 I know that hand. 596 00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:24,038 It was in the fall 1973 Bulova watch catalogue. 597 00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:31,157 You're JP Prewitt. The world's greatest hand model. 598 00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:35,875 Once upon a time. But things change. 599 00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:41,751 Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber my sweet baby never did. 600 00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,150 Let's keep moving. 601 00:49:44,320 --> 00:49:48,199 Then I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter. 602 00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:51,796 - How did you escape? - Because I'm a hand model. 603 00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:56,636 We don't think like face and body boys. We're a different breed. 604 00:49:56,800 --> 00:50:00,270 - So why male models? - Think about it, Derek. 605 00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:04,592 Male models were genetically constructed to become assassins. 606 00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:07,832 They're in peak physical condition. 607 00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:11,996 They can gain entry into the most secure places in the world. 608 00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:17,269 And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. 609 00:50:17,440 --> 00:50:20,273 - They do as they're told. - That is not true. 610 00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,273 - Yes it is, Derek. - OK. 611 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:26,591 Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on. 612 00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:32,995 You're a monkey, Derek. Dance in the little shiny shoes. 613 00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:35,230 Smash you cymbals. Dance, Derek, dance. 614 00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,470 Good point. 615 00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:40,712 But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu... 616 00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:42,836 He's just a punk ass errand boy 617 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,958 working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. 618 00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,475 Do a background check on Mugatu. 619 00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,916 He sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time. 620 00:50:53,160 --> 00:50:55,799 But why male models? 621 00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:02,714 You're serious? I just told you a moment ago. 622 00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:03,995 Right. 623 00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:07,197 You're a killing machine, Derek. They programmed you. 624 00:51:07,360 --> 00:51:10,113 - But I won't kill anybody. - It's not up to you. 625 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,311 At the proper moment they'll trigger you. 626 00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:16,473 With an auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism. 627 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:17,755 Audi-what-y? 628 00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:20,150 And when it's over... 629 00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:21,958 What? 630 00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:25,029 There's an after-party? 631 00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:33,600 You got to get Maury Ballstein's computer. 632 00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:37,548 He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him. 633 00:51:39,720 --> 00:51:42,109 Derek, get a grip. 634 00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:44,396 Good luck to you, Derek. 635 00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:47,074 I've always been a fan of "Blue Steel". 636 00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:49,356 And I hear "Magnum" will blow us all away. 637 00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:51,238 Come on. 638 00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:55,512 - Get out of here. - Hang in there, JP. 639 00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:59,235 You freakin' idiot. 640 00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:04,478 Man, that was close. 641 00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:06,596 I can't believe Maury's in on it too. 642 00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:09,228 That she-male, Katinka, is not messing around. 643 00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:14,315 You're telling me. I thought someone was going to be reading our eugoogoly. 644 00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:15,833 We need to hide. 645 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,594 Where's the last place anyone would look for you? 646 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:19,909 I don't know. 647 00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:22,913 Think, OK? This is important. 648 00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:29,516 I hate Hansel! 649 00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:31,955 Everywhere I look, Hansel, Hansel, Hansel. 650 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,151 Are you looking for a rematch? 651 00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:46,152 Excuse me, Hansel. 652 00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:50,233 There's no easy way to put this so I'll lay it out. 653 00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:55,315 Derek has been brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. 654 00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:57,389 And? 655 00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:01,439 We need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. 656 00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:05,798 Derek said this would be the last place anyone would look for him. 657 00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:09,510 You're cool to hide here. 658 00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:12,877 But first me and him gotta straighten some shit out. 659 00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:15,314 Fine. 660 00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:19,637 Why you been acting so messed up towards me? 661 00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:23,197 Why you been acting so messed up towards me? 662 00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:30,950 You go first. 663 00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:34,430 I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened cos... 664 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:38,991 your career is blossoming and mine's winding down or whatever. 665 00:53:39,160 --> 00:53:44,678 I felt like this guy's really hurting me. And it hurt. 666 00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:50,517 And I felt like when you told me to Dere-lick my balls, that really hurt. 667 00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:54,036 Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander. 668 00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,671 Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. 669 00:53:57,840 --> 00:54:02,038 You know what it's like to be a model in the Derek Zoolander shadow? 670 00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:08,110 You want to hear something crazy? 671 00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:16,956 Your work in the winter '95 "lnternational Male Catalogue"... 672 00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:24,270 ...made me want to be a model. 673 00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:29,477 I friggin' worship you, man. 674 00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:33,871 I'm sorry I was wack. 675 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:35,712 I was wack. 676 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:37,509 I was wack. 677 00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,071 Welcome to chez Hansel. 678 00:54:48,240 --> 00:54:50,435 Hide out here as long as you want. 679 00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,068 There isn't much time. The show's tomorrow night. 680 00:54:53,240 --> 00:54:55,800 We have to figure out a plan by then. 681 00:54:55,960 --> 00:54:57,996 I'll round up the troops here. 682 00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:01,914 Hey, what's up? This is Derek and Matilda. 683 00:55:02,080 --> 00:55:03,718 You know Natani and Chloe. 684 00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:08,992 You got Buzzy Sullivan. Big wave surfer from Maverick. 685 00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:13,756 I met this fantastic band, "The Little Kings", ice sailing in Finland. 686 00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:16,195 That's my Sherpa, Lopsang. 687 00:55:16,360 --> 00:55:18,510 Everybody, listen up for a second. 688 00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:21,996 Derek and Matilda are in hiding cos 689 00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,709 some dudes brainwashed Derek to off the Prime Minister of Micronesia. 690 00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:27,632 - Malaysia. - Right. 691 00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:30,360 So they're hiding here for a while. Show 'em a good time. 692 00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:31,748 - Right on. - Yeah. 693 00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:33,239 All right. Over here. 694 00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:37,518 Ennui. Do me a favour. Will you get that tea me and Lopsang got 695 00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:39,716 when we were free climbing the Mayan ruins. 696 00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:48,232 This is really strong tea. 697 00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:51,392 No, it's just right, trust me. 698 00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:54,677 What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with. 699 00:55:54,840 --> 00:55:59,072 Matilda, I'm a little surprised you're so worried about Derek. 700 00:55:59,240 --> 00:56:05,509 From your article it seems like you don't care much about guys in our line of work. 701 00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,716 Why do you hate models, Matilda? 702 00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:09,598 Honestly? 703 00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:11,193 Yes. 704 00:56:11,360 --> 00:56:17,469 I think they're vain, stupid... and incredibly self-centred. 705 00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:19,790 I totally agree with you. 706 00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:23,998 But how do you feel about male models? 707 00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:25,513 Sweet. 708 00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:31,750 OK, but seriously, Matil... Can I call you Matil? 709 00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:35,715 What's the deal, yo-yo? 710 00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,075 You're not telling us the whole story. 711 00:56:38,240 --> 00:56:41,869 - There's something else, isn't there? - You really want to know? 712 00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:45,396 - Yeah. - OK, then I'll tell you. 713 00:56:47,560 --> 00:56:52,429 When I was in seventh grade I was the fat kid in my class. 714 00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:58,633 All right. Forget it. 715 00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:01,473 - No, no, no... - Dude, be cool. 716 00:57:01,640 --> 00:57:04,837 I'm sorry. Please go ahead. My mistake. 717 00:57:05,000 --> 00:57:08,913 I was the one that all the pretty girls made fun of. 718 00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:11,150 It was an awkward phase. 719 00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:17,152 Anyway, everyday after school, I'd come home 720 00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:22,633 and flip through my mom's "Vogue" and "Glamour". 721 00:57:25,760 --> 00:57:28,115 I'd look at these women. 722 00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:34,199 Perfect, beautiful, unbelievable, skinny women. 723 00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:39,829 I just couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. 724 00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,999 I just didn't get it. 725 00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:49,233 So I became... 726 00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:53,993 What? 727 00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,352 Bulimic. 728 00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:02,790 You can read minds? 729 00:58:10,120 --> 00:58:12,953 It's when you throw up after every meal. 730 00:58:13,120 --> 00:58:17,716 See, you know. This is exactly what you models do to people. 731 00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:21,475 You make them feel bad about themselves. 732 00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:27,795 So what? I throw up after lots of meals. 733 00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:31,475 It's a great way to lose pounds before a show. 734 00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:35,189 Are you insane? Do you understand, it's a disease? 735 00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:38,716 Did the guys not want to get busy with you? 736 00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:40,108 Good point. 737 00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:46,310 OK, you know what? I'm not going to sit here and discuss my sex life, or... 738 00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:50,394 ...or lack thereof. 739 00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:56,078 You mean you haven't really... 740 00:58:56,240 --> 00:58:58,993 ...done it in a while? Yeah. 741 00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:01,515 OK, what's a while? Like eight days? 742 00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:04,989 More? 743 00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:12,031 - Try a couple of years. - Oh! Snap! 744 00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:14,760 How do you live? 745 00:59:14,920 --> 00:59:18,276 Seriously, do you service yourself ten times a day? 746 00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:20,829 - End of discussion. - Easy. OK, hold on... 747 00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,355 I'm not comfortable talking... 748 00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:27,069 Easy. This has been an emotional day for all of us. 749 00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:33,950 I think we should get naked. 750 00:59:34,120 --> 00:59:37,874 - What? - Don't ask questions. 751 00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:40,315 Just give in to the power of the tea. 752 01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:25,509 So, I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. 753 01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:27,830 I start to fall. I'm about to die. 754 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:29,399 Hot bread, Zeke. 755 01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:30,834 Just falling. 756 01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:32,956 I'll never forget the terror. 757 01:00:33,120 --> 01:00:34,599 When suddenly I remember, 758 01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:39,117 "Holy shit, Hansel. Haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days? 759 01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:41,840 "And couldn't some of this be in your mind? " 760 01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:43,194 And? 761 01:00:44,480 --> 01:00:46,789 It was. I was totally fine. 762 01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:49,633 I've never been to Mount Vesuvius. 763 01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:52,838 - Cool story, Hansel. - Thanks, Olaf. 764 01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,870 Dude, how dope was last night? 765 01:00:57,040 --> 01:01:00,555 In the Soil Room, you couldn't see anything. 766 01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:02,676 It was like who's that? Who's this? 767 01:01:02,840 --> 01:01:05,434 I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel. 768 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:11,039 I wasn't going to say anything, but it was crazy energy between you guys. 769 01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:12,633 It was like, look out. 770 01:01:12,800 --> 01:01:14,631 There was a moment last night 771 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:18,509 when she was between the Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen... 772 01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:20,193 Oh, yeah. 773 01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:26,117 ...where I thought I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman. 774 01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:27,474 Really? 775 01:01:28,320 --> 01:01:33,519 - What do you call that? - I think you call that love. 776 01:01:38,280 --> 01:01:39,759 What time is it? 777 01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:42,434 - Almost 5:00. - What? 778 01:01:42,600 --> 01:01:45,160 Hey guys, the show is in three hours. 779 01:01:45,320 --> 01:01:48,039 Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. 780 01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:52,159 Easy. How about, "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. 781 01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:54,675 "Thanks for the freakfest last night." 782 01:01:57,880 --> 01:01:59,279 Hello? 783 01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:01,589 Hi, Katinka... 784 01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:05,196 No, I just had a really late party last night. 785 01:02:05,360 --> 01:02:06,873 Where am l? 786 01:02:07,040 --> 01:02:08,792 Hang up the phone. Now. 787 01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:11,315 I have to go. I'll see you at 7:00. Bye. 788 01:02:11,480 --> 01:02:14,074 Derek, I told you to turn off your phone. 789 01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:16,913 Turn off my phone? 790 01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:20,709 Turn off my phone? Earth to Matilda... 791 01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:23,519 The phone is as much part of me as... 792 01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:26,911 Can we just cut it out with the "earth to's" please? 793 01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:29,799 We're not saying this is the earth calling you. 794 01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,918 I got that. I understand you don't literally mean... 795 01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:34,999 No, I don't think you do. 796 01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:38,789 Listen. It's not like we think we're actually in a control tower 797 01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:42,270 trying to reach outer space aliens or something, OK? 798 01:02:48,080 --> 01:02:49,798 - Snap. - A joke. 799 01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:55,275 Instead of doing that I'm gonna figure out a way into Maury's 800 01:02:55,440 --> 01:02:58,352 before Derek assassinates a world leader. 801 01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:03,277 Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. 802 01:03:04,400 --> 01:03:07,119 They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? 803 01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:09,874 But they won't be looking for... 804 01:03:11,640 --> 01:03:12,789 ...not us. 805 01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:15,394 Derek, what are you talking about? 806 01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:17,596 Do you have a cosmetics case? 807 01:03:17,760 --> 01:03:20,433 Sure. Just for touch-ups or whatever. 808 01:03:20,600 --> 01:03:23,797 - What are you going to do with that? - That'll do. 809 01:03:23,960 --> 01:03:27,748 I used to do my own make-up, styling and tailoring. 810 01:03:27,920 --> 01:03:32,516 If I create a disguise for us, we may just sneak into Maury's undetected. 811 01:03:33,400 --> 01:03:36,790 You is talking loco and I like it. 812 01:03:57,080 --> 01:03:59,435 Welcome to "Derelicte". 813 01:03:59,600 --> 01:04:01,955 Welcome to "Derelicte". 814 01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:04,190 Welcome to "Derelicte". 815 01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:09,000 Hansel calling Matil. We have entry. 816 01:04:09,160 --> 01:04:11,116 OK. I hear you. 817 01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:13,675 Once you get the info, e-mail it to my office. 818 01:04:13,840 --> 01:04:17,196 I'll download the files and we'll take the information to the police. 819 01:04:17,360 --> 01:04:19,669 We hear you loud and clear. 820 01:04:20,720 --> 01:04:22,233 Listen, Matil. 821 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:25,631 I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing. 822 01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:30,157 I want you to know I understand where you're coming from. 823 01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:33,073 I feel really bad that good-looking people like us 824 01:04:33,240 --> 01:04:37,836 made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. For serious. 825 01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:42,354 - Thanks, Derek. Now hurry up. - OK. 826 01:04:42,520 --> 01:04:46,593 I finally got the results on the name check on Jacobim Mugatu. 827 01:04:46,760 --> 01:04:49,752 - Or should I say, Jacob Moogberg. - What? 828 01:04:49,920 --> 01:04:51,911 He changed his name when he went into fashion. 829 01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:56,551 He was the original guitar synth player for Frankie Goes To Hollywood. 830 01:04:56,720 --> 01:04:59,473 He got kicked out before they got big with that song "Relax". 831 01:04:59,640 --> 01:05:01,756 After the Frankie folks gave him the heave-ho 832 01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:04,514 he held a series of odd jobs until 833 01:05:04,680 --> 01:05:08,195 get this... he invented the piano-key necktie in 1985. 834 01:05:08,360 --> 01:05:10,715 He's been a fashion designer ever since. 835 01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:17,718 First obstacle. 836 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:25,630 - Ever used one of these? - I don't think so. 837 01:05:25,800 --> 01:05:26,755 Watch out. 838 01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:30,879 Fix that hem. Jason, please, I need... Katinka. 839 01:05:31,040 --> 01:05:35,238 - He's not here yet. - That little toad-face better show up. 840 01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,118 - He will show. - Good. 841 01:05:37,280 --> 01:05:39,316 Because I'm a hot little potato right now. 842 01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:43,508 There must be an "on" button somewhere. 843 01:05:43,680 --> 01:05:46,274 Did you press that apple thing? 844 01:06:31,080 --> 01:06:32,354 Wait! Hansel! 845 01:06:33,400 --> 01:06:37,313 Let's not lose our cool. Then we're no better than the machine. 846 01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:42,552 - It's almost 7:00. I gotta go. - No! Derek. Wait. 847 01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:44,836 They'll make you kill the Eurasian dude. 848 01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,549 I don't care. I've never been late to a show. 849 01:06:48,720 --> 01:06:52,030 - And I don't plan on starting now. - Dammit, you're right. 850 01:06:52,200 --> 01:06:56,591 Do me a favour. If anything happens to me, give this to Matilda. 851 01:06:56,760 --> 01:07:00,036 - No. - Please, Hansel, take it. 852 01:07:01,680 --> 01:07:03,557 Take it. 853 01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:08,832 Let's just say... I'll hold on to it till you get back. 854 01:07:09,000 --> 01:07:10,558 Go! Go! 855 01:07:11,680 --> 01:07:16,071 We're live at the "Derelicte" show, where controversial designer, Jacobim Mugatu 856 01:07:16,240 --> 01:07:19,630 has extended the olive branch to the Malaysian Prime Minister 857 01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:21,995 making him the show's guest of honour. 858 01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:26,233 And starring in that show, veteran supermodel, Derek Zoolander. 859 01:07:28,920 --> 01:07:31,753 What's happening? Did you find the files? 860 01:07:31,920 --> 01:07:34,957 Matilda, we've got problems. Derek's left for the show. 861 01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:37,714 He can't. We don't know what the trigger is. 862 01:07:37,880 --> 01:07:40,917 He just ran out of here. I couldn't stop him. 863 01:07:41,080 --> 01:07:43,275 - I'll try his phone. - He don't have it. 864 01:07:43,440 --> 01:07:45,396 - What? - He don't have it. 865 01:07:45,560 --> 01:07:46,993 He always has it. 866 01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:50,311 - He gave it to me. - Did you find the files? 867 01:07:50,480 --> 01:07:53,916 - What do they look like? - They're in the computer. 868 01:07:54,080 --> 01:07:56,355 In the computer? 869 01:07:56,520 --> 01:07:59,080 Yeah. I just don't know how he labelled them. 870 01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:01,435 - I got it. - You got to figure it out. 871 01:08:01,600 --> 01:08:05,115 We're running out of time. Find them and meet me at the show. 872 01:08:05,320 --> 01:08:06,594 Roger. 873 01:08:07,840 --> 01:08:11,116 In the computer. It's so simple. 874 01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:17,834 Just cut up a couple of cantaloupes with cottage cheese if you're hungry. 875 01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:22,516 Not now. I need to figure out the trigger before Derek kills the Prime Minister. 876 01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:26,070 You just seemed tense. I was trying to help you relax. 877 01:08:26,240 --> 01:08:28,993 Relax? The last thing I need to do is... 878 01:08:31,280 --> 01:08:32,838 That's it. 879 01:08:33,000 --> 01:08:36,197 Vagrants and whores, you're wanted in make-up. 880 01:08:36,360 --> 01:08:38,032 Runaways and street hustlers next. 881 01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:41,272 - You had us worried, Derek. - Everything's cool. 882 01:08:41,440 --> 01:08:43,874 - I'm super-psyched for the show. - Good. 883 01:08:44,760 --> 01:08:47,513 Just remember, relax. 884 01:08:47,680 --> 01:08:50,319 Two minutes, Derek. 885 01:08:51,480 --> 01:08:53,436 There he is. 886 01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:56,672 I just wanted to wish you good luck. 887 01:08:56,840 --> 01:08:58,956 Don't you mean goodbye? 888 01:08:59,120 --> 01:09:00,917 What are you talking? 889 01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:06,671 I know it was you Maury. 890 01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:10,469 I know it was you and it breaks my heart. 891 01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:12,835 Derek, I don't know what you're talking... 892 01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:22,231 I'm sorry. 893 01:09:28,840 --> 01:09:32,310 Glad you can join us, K-Mart. Lucky for you there's no dress code. 894 01:09:35,440 --> 01:09:40,070 I am the vile spew of the wretched masses. 895 01:09:40,240 --> 01:09:43,869 I am really, really dirty. 896 01:09:44,040 --> 01:09:46,270 I am "Derelicte!" 897 01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:02,795 You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco. 898 01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:06,517 It will all be over soon. 899 01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:11,310 Derek Zoolander will be dead and you'll be fine. You always are. 900 01:10:11,480 --> 01:10:12,879 Derek, you're on. 901 01:10:49,600 --> 01:10:50,794 It's "Relax". 902 01:10:51,680 --> 01:10:54,717 I'm fine. I've done this a thousand times. 903 01:10:55,600 --> 01:10:57,079 The trigger. It's... 904 01:11:08,200 --> 01:11:10,555 Concentrate, "Derelicte". 905 01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:15,229 Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. 906 01:11:23,360 --> 01:11:28,309 Do what you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister. 907 01:11:51,840 --> 01:11:53,751 I got your back. 908 01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:54,955 What? 909 01:11:57,720 --> 01:12:01,156 It's that damn Hansel. He's so hot right now. 910 01:12:02,440 --> 01:12:04,396 Popping and locking, fool. 911 01:12:06,440 --> 01:12:08,670 They're break-dance fighting. 912 01:13:10,600 --> 01:13:13,797 Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. 913 01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:18,080 That's bullshit. Listen up, everyone. 914 01:13:18,240 --> 01:13:19,639 Mugatu's a dick! 915 01:13:19,800 --> 01:13:23,429 He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude. 916 01:13:25,400 --> 01:13:28,631 That's a lie. Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill. 917 01:13:28,800 --> 01:13:31,075 He knew his career was over. He couldn't face it. 918 01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:33,151 No way, compadre. 919 01:13:33,320 --> 01:13:38,269 We've got 30 years worth of files in this computer that will bring you down. 920 01:13:38,440 --> 01:13:39,589 Oh, no... 921 01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:40,988 Down! 922 01:13:44,440 --> 01:13:46,556 Where did all the files go? 923 01:13:48,640 --> 01:13:50,278 I'm taking you out. 924 01:13:51,400 --> 01:13:52,992 Taste my pain, bitch! 925 01:13:59,240 --> 01:14:00,593 Deal with that! 926 01:14:03,680 --> 01:14:06,592 You don't have the guts, K-Mart. 927 01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:10,230 Wanna bet? By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. 928 01:14:10,400 --> 01:14:16,396 It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penny's. On sale. 929 01:14:20,640 --> 01:14:22,517 Jig's up, Mugatu. 930 01:14:22,680 --> 01:14:26,116 Everything they're saying is true. I've been in on it for 30 years. 931 01:14:26,280 --> 01:14:28,475 What are you doing, Ballstein? 932 01:14:28,640 --> 01:14:30,039 I'm done, Jaco. 933 01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:32,156 I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew 934 01:14:32,320 --> 01:14:35,471 and a head full of bad memories. It's time to set things straight. 935 01:14:35,640 --> 01:14:39,553 You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything. 936 01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:43,110 I've got two words for you, sugar: zip disk. 937 01:14:43,280 --> 01:14:46,158 The whole thing is in my den in Long lsland. 938 01:14:46,320 --> 01:14:48,470 I can have that evidence here in 20 minutes. 939 01:14:48,640 --> 01:14:50,039 Attaboy, Maury! 940 01:14:50,200 --> 01:14:52,919 Hold on a second. I'm afraid of the radiation. 941 01:14:55,080 --> 01:14:56,274 Sheila, honey, it's me. 942 01:14:56,440 --> 01:15:01,230 Listen, I need you to bring that zip disk in the den down to the fashion show. 943 01:15:02,880 --> 01:15:08,750 I don't care about the traffic. Take the service road and get off before the bridge. 944 01:15:10,240 --> 01:15:12,549 So put it in one of those tupperware containers 945 01:15:12,720 --> 01:15:14,358 and I'll heat it up in the microwave when I get home. 946 01:15:14,520 --> 01:15:19,071 For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila, it'll stay. 947 01:15:20,680 --> 01:15:23,353 Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. 948 01:15:23,480 --> 01:15:26,153 Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? 949 01:15:26,320 --> 01:15:29,278 The man has only one look, for Christ's sake. 950 01:15:29,440 --> 01:15:32,034 "Blue Steel", "Ferrari", "Le Tigre". 951 01:15:32,200 --> 01:15:34,111 They're the same face. 952 01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:39,638 Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. 953 01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:45,829 I invented the piano-key necktie. I invented it! 954 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:51,518 What have you got, Derek? You've got nothing. Nothing! 955 01:15:51,680 --> 01:15:55,832 And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me. 956 01:15:56,000 --> 01:15:59,151 If you can't get the job done, then I will. 957 01:15:59,320 --> 01:16:01,276 Die, you wage-hiking scum! 958 01:16:05,560 --> 01:16:06,675 One look? 959 01:16:07,800 --> 01:16:11,236 One look? I don't think so. 960 01:16:23,200 --> 01:16:24,519 There it is. 961 01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:25,669 "Magnum." 962 01:16:26,760 --> 01:16:28,398 Holy moly. 963 01:16:28,560 --> 01:16:31,552 Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for. 964 01:16:32,400 --> 01:16:35,198 Dear God, it's beautiful. 965 01:16:56,840 --> 01:17:00,230 That's my kid! That's my son. 966 01:17:07,680 --> 01:17:11,639 I love that kid. Dumb as a stump but I love him. 967 01:17:12,440 --> 01:17:16,991 - Derek, you did it! That was amazing. - I know! I turned left. 968 01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:20,550 That too. But you saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia. 969 01:17:20,720 --> 01:17:22,392 Oh right. Cool. 970 01:17:22,880 --> 01:17:26,111 Thank you, Derek Zoolander for saving my life. 971 01:17:52,400 --> 01:17:55,631 Hi. I'm former male supermodel, Derek Zoolander. 972 01:17:55,800 --> 01:17:59,031 And here at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good 973 01:17:59,200 --> 01:18:01,111 And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too 974 01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:03,157 we teach students of all ages 975 01:18:03,320 --> 01:18:06,278 everything they need to know to learn to be a professional model 976 01:18:06,440 --> 01:18:08,670 and a professional human being. 977 01:18:08,840 --> 01:18:11,638 Our diverse faculty includes business management teacher 978 01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:14,109 and former model agent, Maury Ballstein. 979 01:18:14,280 --> 01:18:18,398 The designer's offering you ten million plus three per cent 980 01:18:18,560 --> 01:18:22,235 of every pair of underwear sold. What are you gonna do? 981 01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:25,437 Screw him! Hold out for more! 982 01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:27,795 That's what I'm talking about. 983 01:18:27,960 --> 01:18:30,428 So join now. At the Derek Zoolander Center 984 01:18:30,600 --> 01:18:33,831 For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too 985 01:18:34,000 --> 01:18:37,879 we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really good-looking. 986 01:18:38,040 --> 01:18:39,678 - Right, kids? - Right. 987 01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:41,273 And cut! 988 01:18:42,240 --> 01:18:45,073 - That's great, Derek. I think we got it. - All right. Thanks. 989 01:18:45,240 --> 01:18:46,593 All right everybody, it's a wrap. 990 01:18:46,760 --> 01:18:48,716 - Hey, Hansel. - Hey, D-Rock. 991 01:18:48,880 --> 01:18:52,839 I'm taking the kids to George Washington Bridge and teach them base-jumping. 992 01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:55,070 - See you in the teacher's lounge later? - All right. 993 01:18:55,240 --> 01:18:59,472 All right, guys. Last one to the helicopter is a rotten egg. Let's go! 994 01:19:00,120 --> 01:19:02,270 - Hey, Matilda. - There's daddy! 995 01:19:04,240 --> 01:19:06,834 - How's Derek Junior? - Great. Guess what? 996 01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,560 - He made his first look today. - Really? 997 01:19:09,720 --> 01:19:11,915 You wanna show daddy your look? 998 01:19:18,320 --> 01:19:21,312 - You wanna hang out for story hour? - Great. Let's go. 999 01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:24,870 - Hey, kids. Who wants to hear a story. - Yeah! 1000 01:25:22,640 --> 01:25:23,595 English (en)