1
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:52,083
Good morning, Connor.
Versace is on 1.
2
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:53,600
Okay.
3
00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:57,316
Clear out.
- Good, good, good. Oh, I like this.
4
00:00:58,247 --> 00:01:00,442
Okay, ladies,
do not look at me or the camera.
5
00:01:00,607 --> 00:01:04,998
Just keep doing what you do.
On three. One, two, three.
6
00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:08,364
All right. Reset, I'll be right back.
Pull the backlight down, and stop.
7
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:10,563
And more martinis around.
Nice work, gentlemen.
8
00:01:10,727 --> 00:01:13,195
Connor wants a re-light
on one. We're moving to Stage 2.
9
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,403
And the Vanity Fair cover
is waiting on two.
10
00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:18,161
Oh, hey, you.
- Hi, Mr. Mead.
11
00:01:18,327 --> 00:01:19,919
Hey. Good morning, ladies.
12
00:01:20,087 --> 00:01:22,078
So do you wanna have dinner
with us after?
13
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:23,760
I'd love to, but I can't.
14
00:01:23,927 --> 00:01:26,282
I'm booked solid, ladies.
But I will find you, okay?
15
00:01:26,447 --> 00:01:28,039
Okay.
16
00:01:28,487 --> 00:01:29,761
You want me to book them?
17
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:31,201
Yes.
- Bye.
18
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:34,598
- Separately or together?
- Yes. Ha, ha.
19
00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:39,283
- Good morning, Kalia.
Hello.
20
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,516
I'm Connor Mead.
21
00:01:40,687 --> 00:01:42,564
- You're ravishing.
- Well, thank you.
22
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:44,558
Stand here, please.
23
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,843
All right.
24
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,646
Let's get started.
Get rid of the green screen.
25
00:01:49,807 --> 00:01:51,604
- Um, let's cozy up. Give me key light.
- Wha...?
26
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:54,884
- Bring it over and down six inches.
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
27
00:01:55,047 --> 00:01:59,359
And keep the set medic on cue
just in case. Can I have the, um...?
28
00:01:59,527 --> 00:02:00,516
Apples.
29
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:05,044
- This is my wardrobe.
- That's the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell.
30
00:02:05,207 --> 00:02:08,085
I just wanna let you know
that I'm a huge fan.
31
00:02:08,247 --> 00:02:12,001
Likewise. I'm not 12 years old and
tone-deaf, so I don't like your music...
32
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,317
...but I really dig your look.
33
00:02:14,487 --> 00:02:17,047
Can we come here and strengthen up
these eyebrows a touch?
34
00:02:17,207 --> 00:02:22,156
- Stay right there. Stay right there.
- So this is it?
35
00:02:22,327 --> 00:02:24,079
This is the picture?
36
00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:27,240
I'm half naked
with an apple on my head.
37
00:02:27,407 --> 00:02:29,602
- Yes, you are.
- This is the cover of Vanity Fair...
38
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:31,359
...from the great Connor Mead?
39
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,040
Well, not quite.
40
00:02:33,207 --> 00:02:36,836
I'd like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi.
She's a Japanese archery champion.
41
00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:38,599
She's gonna be helping us out today.
42
00:02:39,087 --> 00:02:41,840
And you have nothing to fear.
She placed sixth in Beijing.
43
00:02:44,487 --> 00:02:46,205
Are you joking?
44
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,561
Is he...? Is he joking?
45
00:02:48,247 --> 00:02:50,807
Kalia, chin down, eyes here,
arms to your side.
46
00:02:52,207 --> 00:02:54,960
- Somebody tell me he's joking.
Don't move.
47
00:02:55,127 --> 00:02:56,401
Kako, on my count.
48
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,121
She didn't even medal!
49
00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:08,277
Just listen to my music.
50
00:03:10,447 --> 00:03:12,722
I am more than my look. I am.
51
00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:15,196
Sweetie, you are already gorgeous.
52
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:18,006
Why do you need
to be good at two things, huh?
53
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,646
Connor.
54
00:03:19,807 --> 00:03:22,241
- Need your select on the mayor's proofs.
- Now?
55
00:03:22,407 --> 00:03:24,238
And I'm juggling three of your buddies...
56
00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:26,238
...on iChat.
- Does she knock?
57
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,524
Sorry. You told me to make sure
you were on the road by 2.
58
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:30,802
Why?
59
00:03:30,967 --> 00:03:32,559
Your brother's wedding in Newport?
60
00:03:32,727 --> 00:03:34,843
- That's today?
The rehearsal dinner's tonight...
61
00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:37,965
...at your Uncle Wayne's old estate.
- Oh, God, I gotta get up there.
62
00:03:38,127 --> 00:03:42,723
And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja
on your IM. They keep calling.
63
00:03:42,887 --> 00:03:45,959
- Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again?
- Nadja was dinner Friday night.
64
00:03:46,127 --> 00:03:51,076
- Right. Very pretty girl. Didn't say much.
- She's Romanian. Barely speaks English.
65
00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:53,681
Well, that explains it.
Scan these to Mike right away.
66
00:03:53,847 --> 00:03:57,317
I am a touch busy, if you could
take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it.
67
00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,445
No. No way. I'm not breaking up
with girls for you, Connor.
68
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,802
That's where I draw the line.
I believe in karma.
69
00:04:02,967 --> 00:04:04,320
Okay.
70
00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:06,479
- Conference them.
Conference them?
71
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,877
Conference them.
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
72
00:04:09,047 --> 00:04:10,844
Oh, yes, I would.
73
00:04:12,247 --> 00:04:14,283
They're conferenced.
Click here to disconnect.
74
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:17,361
- Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead.
Hi, Connor.
75
00:04:17,527 --> 00:04:20,325
- Hi.
- Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?
76
00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:23,797
Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time
right now, so I'm gonna...
77
00:04:23,967 --> 00:04:26,527
Well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk.
Um...
78
00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:29,039
It's not gonna work out for us.
79
00:04:29,207 --> 00:04:30,720
- Wait, are you kidding me?
- What?
80
00:04:30,887 --> 00:04:33,526
Tell me you're not breaking up
with me on a conference call.
81
00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:35,279
But I thought things were going great.
82
00:04:35,447 --> 00:04:36,562
You are a womans hater.
83
00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:38,001
Connor Mead hates womans.
84
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:41,796
No, no, no, I love womans.
I mean, "women," all right?
85
00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,923
I love all women.
That's the problem here.
86
00:04:44,087 --> 00:04:46,237
No. The problem is
you date a girl for two weeks...
87
00:04:46,407 --> 00:04:47,760
...get her to fall in love with you...
88
00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:52,318
He takes the love and he hoard it,
like a miser.
89
00:04:52,487 --> 00:04:55,559
Jesus, doesn't anyone
just wanna have fun anymore?
90
00:04:55,727 --> 00:04:56,716
I like to have fun.
91
00:04:56,887 --> 00:04:59,924
All right, then don't listen to
these ladies. They are crazy.
92
00:05:00,087 --> 00:05:02,647
We can still hear you
when you cover the camera, you know.
93
00:05:02,807 --> 00:05:04,638
- Right.
- Emotionally retarded.
94
00:05:04,807 --> 00:05:06,638
- You really need therapy.
- You stupid boy.
95
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,560
Ladies, it sounds like you have
an awful lot to discuss, okay?
96
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:13,163
So I'm gonna jump off,
but feel free to keep talking, okay?
97
00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:19,038
Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had
an amazing time with each one of you.
98
00:05:19,207 --> 00:05:21,038
I wish you all the best.
99
00:05:21,207 --> 00:05:23,277
- Goodbye.
No, we are not done...
100
00:05:23,447 --> 00:05:25,915
You really are as bad as they say.
101
00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:29,443
Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.
102
00:05:29,607 --> 00:05:31,882
Of course, you'd never treat me
that way, right?
103
00:05:32,047 --> 00:05:35,926
No. I just did that for you. I'm cleaning
my plate for the main course.
104
00:05:37,287 --> 00:05:40,723
You're the biggest jerk ever.
In fact, you're even famous for it.
105
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,882
No, really, why am I doing this?
106
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:46,845
Well, it usually has something to do
with your father.
107
00:05:47,007 --> 00:05:49,840
Oh, please.
I've never even met my father.
108
00:05:50,807 --> 00:05:52,320
Well, come to Papa.
109
00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:47,084
Okay, here we go.
110
00:06:47,527 --> 00:06:51,998
This will have gone like clockwork,
so at 1529 I will say:
111
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:53,600
"You may kiss the bride. "
112
00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:55,564
Oh, we should practice that,
shouldn't we?
113
00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:59,162
Oh, God.
- Paulie. Hey.
114
00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:01,761
- Connor. Go around.
Yeah.
115
00:07:01,927 --> 00:07:03,406
He came.
116
00:07:04,887 --> 00:07:06,798
- He came.
- He came.
117
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:08,002
What's wrong?
- What?
118
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:11,125
Well, you and all but one of
my bridesmaids have slept with him...
119
00:07:11,287 --> 00:07:13,676
...so he can't be that bad, right?
- No.
120
00:07:13,847 --> 00:07:16,042
- Jenny, soothe the nervous bride.
- Oh, it's fine.
121
00:07:16,967 --> 00:07:18,844
Hey.
122
00:07:19,007 --> 00:07:20,838
Connor.
123
00:07:21,647 --> 00:07:23,603
- Good to see you. Yeah.
- You made it.
124
00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,166
- You look great.
- Thank you, man.
125
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:28,125
What do you think about what
we did to Uncle Wayne's old karate dojo?
126
00:07:28,287 --> 00:07:29,845
Whoa.
- I'm psyched.
127
00:07:30,007 --> 00:07:31,918
I didn't think
you were gonna make the rehearsal.
128
00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:33,679
Well, I wanted to get here early...
129
00:07:33,847 --> 00:07:36,645
...make sure you had time
to think about our last conversation.
130
00:07:36,807 --> 00:07:40,004
You know, the one about marriage, love,
never-ending lifelong monogamy?
131
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:41,725
Yes, I definitely thought about it.
132
00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:43,366
- You did? Good, good.
- Yes, I did.
133
00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:46,280
If you're having second thoughts,
here's the key to my Jag.
134
00:07:46,447 --> 00:07:49,041
You give me the word, I'll block.
135
00:07:49,527 --> 00:07:51,597
- Oh, my God, you're serious.
- You're damn right.
136
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:54,486
Man, I'll do anything for you.
Who's got your back, huh?
137
00:07:54,647 --> 00:07:57,957
Hey, it's you and me
against the world, right?
138
00:07:58,127 --> 00:07:59,719
Why is he giving him keys?
139
00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:02,560
- Why's he giving him keys?
- Oh, I bet he's giving you a car.
140
00:08:02,727 --> 00:08:05,161
- I'm just gonna go check on that.
- Okay.
141
00:08:05,327 --> 00:08:08,922
Connor, we've talked about this.
I wanna get married. I love Sandra.
142
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:11,442
- You say that now, okay?
- Everything okay here, guys?
143
00:08:11,607 --> 00:08:13,723
Because we're still,
you know, rehearsing.
144
00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:15,843
- Jenny Perotti.
- Connor Mead.
145
00:08:16,007 --> 00:08:18,840
- I'll be damned.
- That's probably true.
146
00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:21,760
- Hey, the bride's unsupervised.
- I'm on it.
147
00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:24,999
- We're not done talking about this.
- Done talking about what?
148
00:08:25,807 --> 00:08:27,957
- Options.
- Options.
149
00:08:28,127 --> 00:08:30,197
Yeah, listen to me, Connor.
150
00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:34,326
This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's
life. If you detract from her wedding...
151
00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:37,923
...I will sneak into your room
and cut off your favorite appendage.
152
00:08:38,087 --> 00:08:39,759
Now, the first part sounds nice.
153
00:08:39,927 --> 00:08:42,236
I can make it look like an accident.
Don't push me.
154
00:08:42,407 --> 00:08:46,400
Just try to be supportive. Normal.
Just not a train wreck for once.
155
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,717
- I'll be on my best behavior.
That worries me.
156
00:08:48,887 --> 00:08:50,798
I will, I'll be supportive. Whatever.
157
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,241
- Really?
Yes.
158
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,601
Come on.
159
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:56,406
See? I knew there wouldn't be
any weirdness between you two.
160
00:08:56,567 --> 00:09:00,560
- Connor, you remember Sandra?
- Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra?
161
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:03,835
You know, it's not too late
to get out, gorgeous.
162
00:09:04,007 --> 00:09:05,201
He's joking.
163
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:07,119
And you know the bridesmaids.
164
00:09:07,287 --> 00:09:10,484
Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna.
How are you?
165
00:09:10,647 --> 00:09:11,762
- And, uh...?
- Denice.
166
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,042
Nice to meet you, Denice.
167
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:14,401
- Me too. How are you?
- Ladies.
168
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:17,286
My groomsmen.
Guys, this is my brother, Connor.
169
00:09:17,487 --> 00:09:19,364
- We've heard the stories, man.
Oh, okay.
170
00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:22,485
- An honor to be serving with you.
- And with you.
171
00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,161
It's "mice" to "neet" you.
Damn it, I blew it.
172
00:09:25,327 --> 00:09:27,318
Sorry to break up the bromance,
guys, but...
173
00:09:27,487 --> 00:09:30,001
...I need you right here
where I can keep my eyes on you.
174
00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:32,601
- Absolutely.
- Are we ready?
175
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:33,836
Yes, sorry, sarge.
176
00:09:34,327 --> 00:09:36,397
Sarge?
Are they getting married by a cop?
177
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:39,639
Sergeant Major Volcom,
United States Marine Corps.
178
00:09:39,807 --> 00:09:42,480
I am not a cop.
179
00:09:43,927 --> 00:09:47,602
- Where'd you find this ray of sunshine?
He's Sandra's dad.
180
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:50,725
Sarge, this is my brother, Connor.
Connor, this is the sarge.
181
00:09:50,887 --> 00:09:52,798
He was ordained right after the war.
182
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:56,198
Little war called Korea.
Perhaps you've heard of it, slick?
183
00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:58,119
Lost more men than Nam.
184
00:09:58,287 --> 00:10:00,562
We didn't get a wall.
We didn't get a movie.
185
00:10:00,727 --> 00:10:04,037
We got a sitcom with Alan Alda
which was all nonstop laughs...
186
00:10:04,207 --> 00:10:06,482
...unless you were the one
watching his friends die.
187
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,081
The war's over, Dad. It was a tie.
188
00:10:09,247 --> 00:10:12,000
You know, we should probably try
to keep going on schedule.
189
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,442
- Hua.
- Hua.
190
00:10:14,607 --> 00:10:18,486
Following the kiss at 1530 hours,
on my mark...
191
00:10:18,647 --> 00:10:20,558
...groom will take bride's left forearm...
192
00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:24,606
...rotate 180 degrees,
orienting north by northwest.
193
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:27,520
Then I will announce you
as husband and wife.
194
00:10:27,687 --> 00:10:29,598
Following which...
195
00:10:31,287 --> 00:10:35,200
Following which,
you will live happily ever after.
196
00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:38,276
Oh, Daddy.
197
00:10:38,927 --> 00:10:41,157
So sweet. Oh, my God.
That is sweet.
198
00:10:42,247 --> 00:10:44,841
- I'm surrounded by huggers.
- There we go.
199
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:46,963
No, we're cool, man.
200
00:10:47,487 --> 00:10:48,476
Come on.
201
00:10:58,647 --> 00:11:01,957
Hey, Uncle Wayne.
202
00:11:04,807 --> 00:11:08,686
Ah, the world's a lot less fun
without you in it, buddy.
203
00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,477
Oh, no. Oh, no.
204
00:11:15,647 --> 00:11:19,003
No decorations in here. No.
205
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:21,556
No. No.
206
00:11:21,727 --> 00:11:23,877
And, yes.
207
00:11:24,047 --> 00:11:25,036
No.
208
00:11:26,407 --> 00:11:30,605
- No! Wha...? What did...? What the...?
- Something wrong?
209
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:35,356
I got over 30 scented candles
in my room.
210
00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:38,166
- Oh, the wedding scent is lavender.
- The wedding scent?
211
00:11:38,327 --> 00:11:41,125
- And people wonder why I'm not married.
- Not really.
212
00:11:41,287 --> 00:11:44,836
Seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne
is rolling over in his grave right now.
213
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:46,884
No, come on. Wayne loved a good party.
214
00:11:47,047 --> 00:11:50,960
Party, yes. A wedding? No. Back
in the day that man used this place...
215
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:55,439
...for mind-numbing, clothing-optional,
weeklong orgies, okay?
216
00:11:55,607 --> 00:11:57,837
Do you know Dean Martin
slept in that bathroom?
217
00:11:58,007 --> 00:12:00,999
He drank from the bidet and
sang the Canadian national anthem...
218
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,316
...in Spanish.
- In Spanish.
219
00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:03,920
Yeah, I remember Wayne
telling us that.
220
00:12:04,087 --> 00:12:07,921
Yeah. Now that,
that was a party. Not this.
221
00:12:09,847 --> 00:12:12,998
You know, people were taking bets
on whether or not you'd even show up.
222
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,442
- Miss my kid brother's wedding?
- That's what I said.
223
00:12:15,607 --> 00:12:18,963
The whole asshole thing you do is to
get insecure women to sleep with you.
224
00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:22,802
- Deep down, you're a big sweetheart.
- Oh. Look who's got me pegged.
225
00:12:22,967 --> 00:12:26,596
And there's the sarcasm to cover up the
accidental display of affection for Paul.
226
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:28,166
Hey.
227
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:30,446
I'm not covering anything up.
228
00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:36,076
And I would also be more than happy to
take off the rest of my clothes to prove it.
229
00:12:36,247 --> 00:12:40,320
Then there's the cheap sexual innuendo.
All the old Connor Mead tricks are back.
230
00:12:40,487 --> 00:12:43,524
Well, don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
231
00:12:43,687 --> 00:12:46,565
I won't tell anyone you have feelings.
232
00:12:48,687 --> 00:12:51,121
Hua!
233
00:12:53,487 --> 00:12:54,636
Oh, gosh.
234
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:58,959
- Okay. Yeah, it didn't work. Still nervous.
- Let's do another one.
235
00:12:59,127 --> 00:13:02,358
- Sandy, what about him?
- Dan Palumbo. Married.
236
00:13:02,527 --> 00:13:03,880
Oh. Kids?
237
00:13:04,047 --> 00:13:06,242
What? They're not really married
unless they have kids.
238
00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:07,601
Hua.
239
00:13:07,767 --> 00:13:10,486
- Heard, understood, acknowledged.
- Sandy.
240
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,478
Save some liquor
for the rest of the guests.
241
00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:15,603
- Bye, Mrs. Mead.
- Clean my room, pledge.
242
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,122
Slow down. Slow down.
243
00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:24,962
- Hey.
- Here you are, sir.
244
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:28,085
If you can keep those coming
all night. Thank you.
245
00:13:28,247 --> 00:13:30,078
And now we're off.
246
00:13:30,247 --> 00:13:31,566
- Excuse me, Mr. Mead?
- Mm-hm.
247
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,957
I just wanna tell you,
I'm a huge fan of your work.
248
00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:35,526
- Thank you.
- Gonna photograph...
249
00:13:35,687 --> 00:13:36,722
...your brother's wedding?
250
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:40,085
No.
No, I'm not a wedding photographer.
251
00:13:40,247 --> 00:13:43,284
Right, but it's your brother.
- Right.
252
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:46,962
He's not good at taking pictures
of people with their clothes on.
253
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,197
- Look who's funny.
- It's not his specialty.
254
00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:52,358
- Ah.
- Turn your phone off.
255
00:13:52,887 --> 00:13:54,161
Connor Mead.
256
00:13:54,607 --> 00:13:56,325
No, I would not like to cut my quota.
257
00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:58,682
Connor.
- Look, just tell him to go screw himself.
258
00:13:58,847 --> 00:14:01,281
- Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself.
- Hey.
259
00:14:01,727 --> 00:14:04,605
Like when a man and
a woman... I gotta go. Gotta go.
260
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,564
- Hi.
Oh, my God.
261
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:08,683
- Sit down before you...
- Oh, my God.
262
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,439
- What?
- What is this?
263
00:14:10,607 --> 00:14:14,566
- Endive arugula salad. You did well...
- No, no, no. The salad I ordered had figs.
264
00:14:14,727 --> 00:14:18,481
Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton.
This is...
265
00:14:19,447 --> 00:14:23,201
This is a disaster. My friends and family
didn't come all the way over here...
266
00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:26,006
...to be met with some lackluster salad.
Where are the figs?
267
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,635
Excuse me, where are the figs?
Because I want some figs!
268
00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:30,638
Sweetie? Sweetie. Hi.
269
00:14:30,807 --> 00:14:32,081
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
270
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,680
Hi.
271
00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:36,281
Okay, look, you're right, okay?
You did order figs.
272
00:14:36,447 --> 00:14:39,405
But, uh, everyone seems
to be loving the salad, right?
273
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:41,956
- Anybody missing figs?
- The dressing is a panoply...
274
00:14:42,127 --> 00:14:44,402
...of flavors.
- It's a really good salad.
275
00:14:45,687 --> 00:14:47,917
A lot to recommend, this salad.
- Okay. Sorry.
276
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:51,443
- There she is. All right, she's back.
- I'm sorry, everyone. I just...
277
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:55,156
It's my wedding and...
Well, I'm not usually a massive bitch.
278
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:57,602
- She kind of is.
- Ha, ha. Stop it.
279
00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:01,043
I just really want everything
to start out perfectly.
280
00:15:01,207 --> 00:15:04,005
I mean, I only plan on getting married
four or five times, tops.
281
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,998
Oh, sweetie.
282
00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:07,680
Oh, which reminds me, Connor.
283
00:15:07,847 --> 00:15:10,600
Sandy and I wanted to know
if you would make a toast tomorrow.
284
00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:12,041
What?
285
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:15,918
- Yeah. We'd like that.
I know it's not really your thing...
286
00:15:16,087 --> 00:15:19,124
...but it is kind of a tradition
for the best man to give a toast.
287
00:15:19,287 --> 00:15:21,801
- Could be super short.
- Super long, whatever you want.
288
00:15:21,967 --> 00:15:24,401
- They kidding? Are you kidding?
- Yes.
289
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:25,556
- No.
- Yes.
290
00:15:25,727 --> 00:15:29,481
No, you're the only family I got here,
so I thought you could say something.
291
00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:31,922
I don't think this is the best idea
you've ever had.
292
00:15:32,087 --> 00:15:34,317
- I'm with Jenny.
- You can scrounge up a cousin...
293
00:15:34,487 --> 00:15:36,239
No, no, no. Come on, you're my brother.
294
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:38,477
You're funny, you're articulate,
you're smart.
295
00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:42,959
- True, true and true. I'm flattered, but...
- If you're not gonna take pictures...
296
00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:46,119
...it's the least you can do.
- Who the hell is this guy?
297
00:15:46,287 --> 00:15:47,436
- Who's that?
- Jeff.
298
00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:51,759
I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, okay?
299
00:15:51,927 --> 00:15:55,397
I can't toast this.
300
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:56,886
- Come on.
- This always happens.
301
00:15:57,047 --> 00:15:58,321
All Scotch, no carbs.
302
00:15:58,487 --> 00:16:01,684
Is there a bread basket? You know what,
let's talk about something else.
303
00:16:01,847 --> 00:16:03,280
So, um, when do you catch your flight?
304
00:16:03,447 --> 00:16:06,245
Paulie, you know where I come out
on all this, buddy.
305
00:16:06,407 --> 00:16:10,639
To me, marriage is an archaic
and oppressive institution...
306
00:16:10,807 --> 00:16:12,843
...that should have been
abolished years ago.
307
00:16:13,007 --> 00:16:17,523
And love? It's magical comfort food
for the weak and the uneducated.
308
00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:19,757
Yeah, it makes you feel all warm
and relevant...
309
00:16:19,927 --> 00:16:24,000
...but in the end, love leaves you weak,
dependant and fat.
310
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:28,004
- That might not make the best toast.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
311
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,964
- No. Are you kidding?
No, no, no.
312
00:16:30,127 --> 00:16:32,402
No, sweetie, sweetie,
he's being funny, I think.
313
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:35,559
Better hold your next words
real close, Paco.
314
00:16:35,727 --> 00:16:41,677
Believe me, all right? For Paul's sake, I
wish I could believe in all this crap. I do.
315
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:44,236
And I also wish I could believe
in the Easter bunny...
316
00:16:44,407 --> 00:16:47,717
...the missile shield, and strippers
with a heart of gold, all right?
317
00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:52,244
But, unfortunately, I am condemned
to see the world as it really is.
318
00:16:52,407 --> 00:16:54,716
And love? Love is a myth.
319
00:16:54,887 --> 00:16:58,800
Oh, good. Because I was afraid you were
gonna make a really long, cynical speech.
320
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:00,636
Truth hurts, baby.
321
00:17:01,127 --> 00:17:03,925
- Why don't you go?
- Yeah. Why don't I do that?
322
00:17:04,087 --> 00:17:05,998
And I think I'll take my salad with me.
323
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,916
Mm. Some figs would've been nice.
324
00:17:19,087 --> 00:17:21,999
This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
325
00:17:24,487 --> 00:17:26,318
You got that right, kid.
326
00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:31,198
Uncle Wayne?
327
00:17:34,447 --> 00:17:36,199
Uncle Wayne.
328
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,403
- Uh...
- Ha, ha.
329
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:39,556
You're dead.
330
00:17:39,727 --> 00:17:44,164
Players never die, Dutch. They just
try their luck at a different table.
331
00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:45,919
Whoa, whoa.
332
00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:48,726
Never touch a man
when he's hanging a wire.
333
00:17:48,887 --> 00:17:50,479
You kidding me?
334
00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:56,196
Oh, God.
335
00:17:58,127 --> 00:18:00,243
Aqua Velva.
336
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:04,164
What are you...? What are you...? What
are you...? What are you doing here?
337
00:18:04,327 --> 00:18:06,477
I'm here to warn you, kid.
338
00:18:06,647 --> 00:18:08,638
Don't waste your life like I did.
339
00:18:08,807 --> 00:18:12,516
What are you talking about?
You had a great life, man.
340
00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:16,077
You're a legend. The money,
the parties, the women, you...
341
00:18:16,247 --> 00:18:19,523
Listen, kid. When the music stops
and you're looking for your slacks...
342
00:18:19,687 --> 00:18:22,201
...none of that stuff
matters worth a lick.
343
00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:25,838
Well, there was this one party. Um...
344
00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:27,919
New Year's '68, Philippines.
345
00:18:28,087 --> 00:18:30,760
Me, Stevie McQueen,
17 Lufthansa stewardesses...
346
00:18:30,927 --> 00:18:34,317
...and a pile of blow
the size of a toaster.
347
00:18:34,487 --> 00:18:35,886
Now that was a good night.
348
00:18:36,047 --> 00:18:37,878
Aw. That sounds like a great night.
349
00:18:38,047 --> 00:18:41,403
Oh, no, I've had a few laughs, I've
chased some tail but, trust me, Dutch...
350
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:43,125
...you don't wanna end up like me.
351
00:18:43,287 --> 00:18:46,006
- What are you talking about?
- No, no. Save it for the sandman.
352
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:50,922
I've been watching you, and
you are definitely turning out like me.
353
00:18:51,087 --> 00:18:52,918
Frankly, I mean, who could blame you?
354
00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:56,875
But tonight...
Tonight, things are gonna change.
355
00:18:59,127 --> 00:19:01,925
Tonight you're gonna be visited
by three ghosts.
356
00:19:02,447 --> 00:19:04,324
You have got to be kidding me.
357
00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:08,844
And you're gonna be forced to feel things
that you haven't felt for a long time.
358
00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:11,521
Things like feelings, for example.
359
00:19:11,687 --> 00:19:16,078
Remember, no matter how much it hurts,
it's all for your own good.
360
00:19:16,247 --> 00:19:20,399
And the stuff that's not for your
own good, it's for my entertainment.
361
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,683
Look, Uncle Wayne, you...
362
00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:27,285
Where'd he go?
363
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,079
All right, that didn't just happen. Okay.
364
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,566
Uh-oh.
365
00:19:48,407 --> 00:19:51,763
Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?
I need you up here, all right?
366
00:19:51,927 --> 00:19:55,556
Look, you are my assistant
and I need assistance.
367
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,685
Blue Label and give it wings, brother.
Call me.
368
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,639
You feel so real.
369
00:20:16,807 --> 00:20:19,560
Well, they are, honey.
A hundred percent.
370
00:20:19,727 --> 00:20:22,161
I'm not sure
what you've heard about me...
371
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:24,522
...but I usually like to
be bought a drink first.
372
00:20:25,527 --> 00:20:30,123
- You're not who I thought you were.
- Vonda Volcom, mother of the bride.
373
00:20:31,127 --> 00:20:37,441
Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
Please, sit, Vonda Volcom.
374
00:20:37,607 --> 00:20:39,120
- Thank you.
- Yes, ma'am.
375
00:20:39,287 --> 00:20:42,518
- Champagne for the lady.
Lovely.
376
00:20:42,687 --> 00:20:45,599
- So how long have you been divorced?
- I beg your pardon?
377
00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,678
Please. I mean, you're ravishing.
378
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,315
No married woman your age
keeps her form this fine.
379
00:20:53,407 --> 00:20:56,365
I've been divorced eight years now.
380
00:20:56,767 --> 00:20:59,076
Sarge and I aren't talking just yet.
381
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:02,919
- It's juvenile and sad.
- Honey, stop right there.
382
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,679
It's not your fault, okay?
383
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:08,806
Marriage is a corrupt
and hateful institution.
384
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,765
I covered all of this earlier
at another table.
385
00:21:11,927 --> 00:21:15,556
I wanna ask you something.
When did casual sex become a crime?
386
00:21:16,887 --> 00:21:18,639
I mean,
nowadays being single means...
387
00:21:18,807 --> 00:21:21,321
...what, you've lost your way?
That something is missing?
388
00:21:21,967 --> 00:21:26,358
Never mind that every night
I swim in a lake of sex...
389
00:21:26,527 --> 00:21:30,281
...and they fall asleep
in each others' arms, spooning.
390
00:21:31,607 --> 00:21:34,963
Connor, spooning is nice.
391
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,925
Yeah, but not as nice as forking.
392
00:21:38,087 --> 00:21:40,203
- Am I right?
- Ha, ha. It's true.
393
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,165
Hey, you know what the owner
of this place once told me?
394
00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:47,036
He said, "Keep it light, Dutch.
Keep it light. "
395
00:21:47,687 --> 00:21:50,724
I never understood
why he called me Dutch...
396
00:21:51,127 --> 00:21:55,200
...but I believe his wisdom still holds.
- That's nice.
397
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:57,164
- I like that.
- Mm.
398
00:21:59,047 --> 00:22:03,040
Listen, darling, before we take this
to the next level, are we off-limits?
399
00:22:03,207 --> 00:22:05,516
I mean, technically we're not family
until tomorrow.
400
00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:08,520
I am extremely flattered.
401
00:22:08,687 --> 00:22:12,521
But, yes, we are definitely off-limits.
402
00:22:12,687 --> 00:22:16,316
That's a shame. I bet you know
your way around a bedroom.
403
00:22:16,487 --> 00:22:18,159
You always talk to women like this?
404
00:22:18,967 --> 00:22:20,195
Yes.
405
00:22:20,367 --> 00:22:22,642
Does it work?
- Yes.
406
00:22:24,407 --> 00:22:29,356
Well, while I can't be of service to you,
I am sure that she can.
407
00:22:29,527 --> 00:22:33,759
Blonde, six o'clock?
Blue dress, legs up to her chin?
408
00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:37,761
That's the one. She's been eyeing you
the whole time we've been talking.
409
00:22:37,927 --> 00:22:40,885
- It's been a real pleasure talking to you.
- Likewise.
410
00:22:41,047 --> 00:22:43,766
You are truly an inspiration.
411
00:22:45,607 --> 00:22:48,519
Hi. Excuse me. I'm gonna
steal her away just for a second.
412
00:22:48,687 --> 00:22:51,485
Jenny, come with me. I have to
give you your maid-of-honor gift.
413
00:22:51,647 --> 00:22:53,763
Remember that guy
I was telling you about, Brad?
414
00:22:53,927 --> 00:22:56,316
No, no. I told you,
I do not want to be set up again.
415
00:22:56,487 --> 00:22:59,081
I've been through it too many times.
Please don't make me.
416
00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:01,203
That's Brad.
417
00:23:04,847 --> 00:23:06,246
Okay, but this is the last time.
418
00:23:06,407 --> 00:23:09,046
- How are my teeth?
- Clear. Perfect.
419
00:23:09,887 --> 00:23:12,765
- Just try to play it cool. Just no big deal.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
420
00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:15,441
Brad. This is Jenny.
421
00:23:15,607 --> 00:23:18,201
- Right. The hot, single doctor.
- Hi.
422
00:23:18,367 --> 00:23:20,323
Paul and Sandra
have been talking about you.
423
00:23:20,487 --> 00:23:24,321
I know what car you drive, where you
went to school, how many dogs you have.
424
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:28,036
That is right. You're both animal people.
What are the odds?
425
00:23:28,207 --> 00:23:30,163
- So glad this isn't awkward.
- Right. Ahem.
426
00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:35,447
Oh, I forgot to tell you. Brad loves
to run triathlons too. I know, right?
427
00:23:35,607 --> 00:23:39,441
- Do you wanna go anywhere else?
- Yeah, I thought you'd never ask.
428
00:23:39,767 --> 00:23:42,406
Bye.
- Have a good time, you crazy kids.
429
00:23:43,807 --> 00:23:46,162
- Hey, Connor.
- Hey.
430
00:23:46,327 --> 00:23:47,555
How you been?
431
00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:51,766
Well, I'm at a wedding,
I'm seeing ghosts in the john.
432
00:23:51,927 --> 00:23:53,838
- I've been better.
- All right.
433
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:57,761
Well, what were you and Sandra's mom
talking about so intensely?
434
00:23:58,327 --> 00:23:59,680
Casual sex.
435
00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:04,885
So, what's your stance
on casual sex, bridesmaid?
436
00:24:05,047 --> 00:24:08,642
On top. I mean... I'm for it.
437
00:24:09,047 --> 00:24:12,164
Well, speaking of which,
I think I owe you an apology.
438
00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:16,525
I've enjoyed the company
of all the other bridesmaids except you.
439
00:24:16,687 --> 00:24:18,484
I mean, you must feel terribly left out.
440
00:24:19,887 --> 00:24:21,036
I do.
441
00:24:21,527 --> 00:24:26,157
Well, I do hope that there's some way
to rectify this injustice.
442
00:24:26,327 --> 00:24:30,764
Well, you know what I always say is,
"To think globally, act locally. "
443
00:24:32,167 --> 00:24:35,125
Listen, before I, uh, commence
the launch code...
444
00:24:36,447 --> 00:24:40,156
Are you the one my brother slept with?
Because I don't like to cross swords.
445
00:24:40,327 --> 00:24:44,798
Wait, what? Your brother slept
with one of the bridesmaids?
446
00:24:44,967 --> 00:24:47,356
Okay, I guess it wasn't you.
447
00:24:47,527 --> 00:24:51,805
Okay, from now on, I don't cross swords.
Listen, forget I even brought it up.
448
00:24:51,967 --> 00:24:55,960
Hey, why don't you scamper up
to my room, boil some water...
449
00:24:56,127 --> 00:24:59,483
...get the chicken claw out of my
suitcase, do some light stretching...
450
00:24:59,647 --> 00:25:01,365
...and I will be up in 5?
451
00:25:02,007 --> 00:25:03,963
Chicken claw. Okay.
452
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,561
Chicken claw.
- Okay.
453
00:25:06,727 --> 00:25:10,959
Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper.
Five minutes.
454
00:25:11,127 --> 00:25:15,405
And that's how it's done, son.
That is how it's done.
455
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:16,962
Does it work on guys?
456
00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:19,716
Probably.
457
00:25:19,887 --> 00:25:22,242
- Excuse me, mind if we take these seats?
- No, please.
458
00:25:22,407 --> 00:25:24,716
- All right.
- Oh, hello there, friend.
459
00:25:24,887 --> 00:25:26,639
- Hey.
- Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
460
00:25:26,807 --> 00:25:29,162
- This is Brad.
- Frye. Nice to meet you.
461
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,965
Nice to meet you.
462
00:25:31,127 --> 00:25:33,687
You must be the wedding sex
they flew in for Jenny here.
463
00:25:34,327 --> 00:25:37,683
And, uh, you must be the wedding sex
they brought in for everyone else.
464
00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:44,077
He's getting his little blush. He's gotten
that ever since he was a kid. Adorable.
465
00:25:44,247 --> 00:25:47,762
Oh, honey, if I was jealous, why am I,
at this very moment, heading upstairs...
466
00:25:47,927 --> 00:25:49,918
...to close out my hat trick
of bridesmaids?
467
00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:54,645
Maybe you're terrified of being alone...
468
00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:57,002
...with your empty, hollow soul
for even a minute.
469
00:25:57,767 --> 00:26:01,123
- You got a live one here, Brad.
- Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go.
470
00:26:01,287 --> 00:26:04,006
- No, Brad, you're staying.
- I'll go.
471
00:26:04,167 --> 00:26:05,759
Run along, Connor.
472
00:26:05,927 --> 00:26:08,646
There's a bridesmaid waiting
to be partially satisfied.
473
00:26:08,807 --> 00:26:10,081
Absolutely.
474
00:26:10,247 --> 00:26:14,001
Brad, it's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy
pillow fights, talking about your feelings...
475
00:26:14,167 --> 00:26:16,556
...and sharing massages
with your clothes on.
476
00:26:17,087 --> 00:26:18,566
Jenny.
477
00:26:18,887 --> 00:26:20,002
Connor.
478
00:26:29,207 --> 00:26:30,879
I know...
479
00:26:33,207 --> 00:26:37,359
Brad. Guy probably irons his jeans.
480
00:26:38,447 --> 00:26:39,596
Well, that's more like it.
481
00:26:41,247 --> 00:26:44,683
And how is my little 6-foot,
legs-to-her-chin...
482
00:26:44,847 --> 00:26:47,805
...blond-haired, blue-eyed,
Happy Meal of a bridesmaid?
483
00:26:47,967 --> 00:26:49,605
- Hi, Connor! Ha, ha.
- Whoa!
484
00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:51,883
- Have you missed me?
- Who are you?
485
00:26:52,047 --> 00:26:55,005
What, you don't...? You don't remember?
486
00:27:03,767 --> 00:27:05,359
Allison Vandermeersh?
487
00:27:05,967 --> 00:27:09,198
Connor Mead...
488
00:27:09,847 --> 00:27:10,836
...remembers me.
489
00:27:11,247 --> 00:27:13,636
I can die now. I'm just kidding.
I'm totally kidding.
490
00:27:13,807 --> 00:27:15,923
- What are you doing here?
- I'm like a ghost now.
491
00:27:16,087 --> 00:27:18,157
Yeah, the ghost of girlfriends past,
in fact.
492
00:27:23,127 --> 00:27:24,401
Oh, it tickles a little bit.
493
00:27:26,367 --> 00:27:28,722
- There.
- Connor?
494
00:27:31,207 --> 00:27:33,118
Really? You're gonna outrun a ghost?
495
00:27:38,647 --> 00:27:41,844
We could do this all day, dude.
496
00:27:43,207 --> 00:27:44,925
All right, you're not real.
497
00:27:45,087 --> 00:27:46,725
No, you can't be. You're...
498
00:27:46,887 --> 00:27:49,560
You're just a repressed memory,
activated by all the booze...
499
00:27:49,727 --> 00:27:54,482
...and the trauma of Paulie getting
married. But you, you are not real.
500
00:27:54,967 --> 00:27:57,037
- All right. Well, have a nice trip.
- Whoa.
501
00:27:57,607 --> 00:27:59,438
See you next fall. Ha, ha.
502
00:28:00,807 --> 00:28:03,446
- Is that real enough for you, dude?
- Whoa, watch it.
503
00:28:03,607 --> 00:28:06,075
Be cool. All right,
what are you gonna do to me?
504
00:28:06,247 --> 00:28:07,726
Oh, no, it's gonna be rad, okay?
505
00:28:07,887 --> 00:28:10,606
I am gonna take you back
through all your past girlfriends...
506
00:28:10,767 --> 00:28:14,077
...then you and I can figure out how
you got your head so far up your ass.
507
00:28:14,247 --> 00:28:15,760
Ready, Freddie?
508
00:28:25,367 --> 00:28:27,005
Ta-da!
509
00:28:27,167 --> 00:28:28,759
All right, what the hell's going on?
510
00:28:28,927 --> 00:28:32,158
We're still at your Uncle Wayne's,
only now we're in 1982...
511
00:28:32,327 --> 00:28:35,444
...which is, of course,
the summer of your first relationship.
512
00:28:35,607 --> 00:28:37,040
Connor.
513
00:28:39,847 --> 00:28:43,999
Oh. Look at how cute you were.
I wanna squeeze you.
514
00:28:44,167 --> 00:28:45,156
- Yes!
Oh.
515
00:28:45,327 --> 00:28:46,965
And we knew who she was, of course.
516
00:28:47,127 --> 00:28:48,242
Jenny Perotti.
517
00:28:48,967 --> 00:28:53,245
I win, 1:26 for you, 1:20 for me.
I beat you by 6.
518
00:28:53,407 --> 00:28:57,195
No way. It's your birthday.
I let you win as your gift.
519
00:28:57,367 --> 00:28:59,756
Uh-huh. Then what's that?
520
00:29:02,247 --> 00:29:06,286
- Can they see us?
No, we're ghosts.
521
00:29:09,447 --> 00:29:10,562
Get out.
522
00:29:11,087 --> 00:29:14,238
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
523
00:29:14,407 --> 00:29:17,524
- You're the best, Jenny.
- Really?
524
00:29:17,887 --> 00:29:19,445
What else do you think of me?
525
00:29:20,687 --> 00:29:21,756
Oh.
526
00:29:22,327 --> 00:29:23,442
I don't know.
527
00:29:23,607 --> 00:29:26,917
- You see how young they start?
- Shh. Watch.
528
00:29:27,607 --> 00:29:29,199
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
529
00:29:29,367 --> 00:29:32,484
Line it up, buddy. Get in there.
530
00:29:54,247 --> 00:29:56,602
This doesn't even look like you.
531
00:29:56,767 --> 00:29:58,485
You look like a girl.
532
00:29:59,807 --> 00:30:01,001
What, Connor?
533
00:30:01,847 --> 00:30:03,644
This is my favorite part.
534
00:30:03,807 --> 00:30:05,445
I'm gonna keep it forever.
535
00:30:07,007 --> 00:30:09,043
"I'm gonna keep it forever. "
536
00:30:09,207 --> 00:30:11,277
I don't think I said that.
Did you edit this?
537
00:30:13,007 --> 00:30:14,326
I'm gonna keep it forever.
538
00:30:14,487 --> 00:30:18,480
You sure that wasn't my brother?
He always said fruity stuff like that.
539
00:30:18,647 --> 00:30:21,366
I'm gonna keep it forever.
Forever. Forever.
540
00:30:21,527 --> 00:30:23,279
Okay, I get it. I said it.
541
00:30:23,887 --> 00:30:25,366
I'm gonna keep it forever.
542
00:30:26,647 --> 00:30:28,683
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
543
00:30:32,407 --> 00:30:34,875
- Go.
- Wait. This doesn't count.
544
00:30:35,047 --> 00:30:37,356
I wasn't ready, cheater.
545
00:30:41,607 --> 00:30:42,960
Mom and Dad.
546
00:30:44,927 --> 00:30:48,681
This was the summer
before their car accident.
547
00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,883
Look how happy they were.
548
00:30:58,727 --> 00:31:02,436
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want. He maketh me...
549
00:31:02,607 --> 00:31:05,997
Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny
were all you had left.
550
00:31:07,447 --> 00:31:09,915
She knew you before you became...
551
00:31:10,087 --> 00:31:11,759
...you.
552
00:31:14,527 --> 00:31:16,085
All right.
553
00:31:17,047 --> 00:31:18,082
All right, what's next?
554
00:31:26,767 --> 00:31:29,201
Middle school? Really?
555
00:31:34,287 --> 00:31:37,996
- You remember this, right?
- Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out.
556
00:31:38,447 --> 00:31:39,926
Whoo!
557
00:31:40,087 --> 00:31:41,679
Surely we don't have time for this.
558
00:31:41,847 --> 00:31:43,200
As you and Jenny got older...
559
00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:45,198
...you tried to make
that super-tough transition...
560
00:31:45,367 --> 00:31:48,518
...from being best friends
to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend.
561
00:31:48,687 --> 00:31:51,281
- This dance is so lame.
- Totally.
562
00:31:52,887 --> 00:31:56,243
I don't know why, but there's something
creepy about the white-glove thing.
563
00:31:56,407 --> 00:31:58,125
Oh, yeah.
564
00:32:01,167 --> 00:32:02,156
Nice move.
565
00:32:02,327 --> 00:32:05,285
Who's "ooh-ing" who,
Franklin Middle School?
566
00:32:05,447 --> 00:32:08,120
I'm gonna slow it down right now...
567
00:32:08,287 --> 00:32:14,635
...so guys, grab that special girl
and head on out to the dance floor.
568
00:32:16,447 --> 00:32:18,244
Ask her to dance, man.
569
00:32:18,687 --> 00:32:20,757
She's begging for it. Ask her.
570
00:32:20,927 --> 00:32:23,316
- So...
- Jenny! Oh, my God, Jenny.
571
00:32:23,487 --> 00:32:27,275
Neil just told Suzy that Pete Hastings
wants to slow dance with you.
572
00:32:27,447 --> 00:32:29,677
Pete Hastings is totally gorge.
573
00:32:31,207 --> 00:32:35,280
No, Pete Hastings is now bald and doing
Civil War reenactments on the weekends.
574
00:32:35,447 --> 00:32:38,280
Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out.
575
00:32:38,447 --> 00:32:40,802
Yeah, and he's a ninth grader,
so that means tongue.
576
00:32:41,367 --> 00:32:44,086
Oh, my God, I can't believe
how lucky you are. Pete Hastings.
577
00:32:51,607 --> 00:32:52,722
Okay, I guess.
578
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:54,161
Yes! Ha, ha.
579
00:32:54,647 --> 00:32:56,080
Yeah, but...
580
00:33:01,687 --> 00:33:05,043
That dude used to get boners
in the gym shower. Don't sweat it.
581
00:33:05,207 --> 00:33:06,959
But at least he didn't choke.
582
00:33:07,127 --> 00:33:10,961
Hey, I didn't choke, all right?
I could've closed if I wanted to.
583
00:33:12,687 --> 00:33:15,281
I was being a gentleman.
584
00:33:17,047 --> 00:33:18,162
I can't breathe.
585
00:33:24,087 --> 00:33:27,204
You know what? You didn't wanna
hit that anyway, little man.
586
00:33:44,847 --> 00:33:47,884
Hey, kid. What's with the waterworks?
587
00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:49,516
Jenny.
588
00:33:51,127 --> 00:33:53,163
- Pregnant?
- No.
589
00:33:53,327 --> 00:33:54,840
Crabs?
590
00:33:55,647 --> 00:33:56,636
No.
591
00:33:56,807 --> 00:33:59,799
Took her to the coat room,
found out she had a tenpin up her dress?
592
00:33:59,967 --> 00:34:01,685
Don't worry, it happens to all of us.
593
00:34:02,407 --> 00:34:03,840
Wait, what?
594
00:34:04,727 --> 00:34:06,797
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
So, what happened?
595
00:34:06,967 --> 00:34:10,403
Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight.
596
00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:13,559
Her first kiss. Now everything is ruined.
597
00:34:13,727 --> 00:34:16,082
I don't even know
if we're gonna get married anymore.
598
00:34:16,247 --> 00:34:17,965
Trust me, kid, you dodged a bullet.
599
00:34:18,127 --> 00:34:21,881
You don't wanna be anybody's first kiss,
or their last.
600
00:34:22,047 --> 00:34:25,164
Say what you will,
that man was a visionary.
601
00:34:25,327 --> 00:34:27,921
You know he invented the word "MILF"?
602
00:34:28,087 --> 00:34:31,523
What am I gonna do?
I've never felt this way before.
603
00:34:31,687 --> 00:34:34,360
I feel like someone has punched me
straight in the stomach...
604
00:34:34,527 --> 00:34:37,678
...and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
God, I hate girls!
605
00:34:41,207 --> 00:34:43,038
That's sissy talk.
606
00:34:43,207 --> 00:34:46,643
Never talk like that
in the stabbing wagon.
607
00:34:46,807 --> 00:34:50,766
- Uncle Wayne, where are your seat belts?
- Again with the sissy talk.
608
00:34:52,607 --> 00:34:55,917
He never wore seat belts. Never.
609
00:34:56,407 --> 00:35:01,083
Look, kid,
I'm, uh, sorry I raised my voice at you.
610
00:35:01,247 --> 00:35:04,842
Being a parent ain't exactly
my chosen profession, you know?
611
00:35:05,327 --> 00:35:10,959
I mean, I can't teach you algebra,
or camping, or even ethics.
612
00:35:12,767 --> 00:35:15,327
But when it comes to dames...
613
00:35:16,407 --> 00:35:19,717
...I've got a gift.
- Really?
614
00:35:20,447 --> 00:35:24,156
Because I will do anything you say.
615
00:35:24,607 --> 00:35:28,077
I never wanna feel like this again. Ever.
616
00:35:28,247 --> 00:35:30,283
Okay, Dutch.
617
00:35:30,647 --> 00:35:32,319
Never again.
618
00:35:32,487 --> 00:35:33,476
Hang on.
619
00:35:40,007 --> 00:35:45,127
- Are we in a bar?
- Think of it like a classroom.
620
00:36:06,327 --> 00:36:09,524
Hiya, Tommy. Two Jacks. Up, please.
621
00:36:09,687 --> 00:36:13,202
Dutch, try that old saddle out for size.
622
00:36:15,327 --> 00:36:18,399
Don't look at them.
623
00:36:18,567 --> 00:36:21,684
Dames, they're like horses.
They spook easy.
624
00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:23,599
Cheers, Dutch.
625
00:36:27,967 --> 00:36:30,356
Never soil your wingman.
626
00:36:30,527 --> 00:36:32,677
- Sorry.
- You're learning on your feet.
627
00:36:32,847 --> 00:36:35,441
You know, if we were actually out,
uh, chasing tail tonight...
628
00:36:35,607 --> 00:36:37,996
...I'd turn your gaffe into a funny.
629
00:36:38,167 --> 00:36:42,080
Girls, they love to laugh.
Especially at men.
630
00:36:42,247 --> 00:36:46,684
Makes them feel more powerful, which
in turn makes them feel more comfortable.
631
00:36:46,847 --> 00:36:49,680
Which in turn makes them prone
to massive errors in judgment...
632
00:36:49,847 --> 00:36:53,681
...like, having sex with a stranger
in the port authority bathroom. Ha, ha.
633
00:36:53,847 --> 00:36:55,997
But I'm not even supposed
to talk to strangers.
634
00:36:56,167 --> 00:36:58,317
No, that's good, that's good.
No talking is good.
635
00:36:58,487 --> 00:37:02,162
No phone numbers, no last names.
Hey, no first names if you can swing it.
636
00:37:02,327 --> 00:37:04,602
Will somebody please
call Child Protective Services?
637
00:37:04,767 --> 00:37:06,405
Shh. Quiet, the prophet speaks.
638
00:37:06,567 --> 00:37:09,957
See, kid, an ugly broad, you might
as well take her out behind the shed...
639
00:37:10,127 --> 00:37:12,561
...and put one behind the ear.
That dog won't hunt.
640
00:37:12,727 --> 00:37:15,195
But any dude with a johnson,
he's got a shot...
641
00:37:15,367 --> 00:37:20,077
...because cool comes from the inside.
- God, I miss that man.
642
00:37:20,247 --> 00:37:21,646
So here's a couple of tips.
643
00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:26,437
When you first meet a girl, you give her
two compliments, above the neck.
644
00:37:26,607 --> 00:37:29,917
You tell her she's got nice lips,
nice eyes, nice hair...
645
00:37:30,087 --> 00:37:33,523
...she's intelligent, her moral ethics,
whatever crap comes to your mind.
646
00:37:33,687 --> 00:37:36,759
Then, just when she begins to think
that you're another, you know...
647
00:37:36,927 --> 00:37:40,681
...nice guy that she can tool around
with all night without getting naked...
648
00:37:41,487 --> 00:37:47,084
...you insult her. Flip the power dynamic,
and you let her know you're here to play.
649
00:37:47,247 --> 00:37:51,320
- Well, Jenny said she doesn't like games.
- Forget about that broad.
650
00:37:51,487 --> 00:37:55,036
- I thought all this was to get her back.
- That's why you gotta forget about her.
651
00:37:55,207 --> 00:37:58,483
It's your feelings for her
that are killing your game.
652
00:37:58,967 --> 00:38:02,642
If there's one thing
that you learn tonight, it's this:
653
00:38:02,807 --> 00:38:07,835
The power of a relationship lies
with whoever cares less.
654
00:38:09,967 --> 00:38:11,639
Amen to that, brother.
655
00:38:11,807 --> 00:38:14,321
One day you're gonna wake up
with some chick, spooning...
656
00:38:14,487 --> 00:38:16,079
...you know, thinking about love.
657
00:38:16,247 --> 00:38:18,283
And at that moment,
you have gotta get up.
658
00:38:18,447 --> 00:38:21,200
Do not walk, don't get your shoes,
run the hell out of there.
659
00:38:21,367 --> 00:38:23,562
Because maybe not the next day
or the next week...
660
00:38:23,727 --> 00:38:27,276
...but sometime in the future,
you're gonna get crushed. Again.
661
00:38:28,087 --> 00:38:29,998
- You don't wanna feel that way, do you?
- No.
662
00:38:30,167 --> 00:38:31,839
- No.
- Yep.
663
00:38:32,007 --> 00:38:36,797
Okay, so, uh, let's get down
to brass tacks here.
664
00:38:37,367 --> 00:38:41,565
Say I wanted to pick up
on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock.
665
00:38:41,727 --> 00:38:44,560
Eight o'clock?
How did you even see her?
666
00:38:44,727 --> 00:38:47,400
We'll deal with reflective surfaces
at another time.
667
00:38:47,567 --> 00:38:50,286
Should I, uh, get a handful of daisies,
then go:
668
00:38:50,447 --> 00:38:52,324
"Hi, you wanna go
to the disco with me?"
669
00:38:52,487 --> 00:38:53,966
Uh...
670
00:38:54,127 --> 00:38:55,116
- No?
- No.
671
00:38:55,287 --> 00:38:58,518
No, because I might as well say,
"I'm a fag. Let's be friends. "
672
00:38:58,687 --> 00:39:03,363
So, what would be a smart play? Have
some fun with it. What do you think?
673
00:39:04,087 --> 00:39:05,805
I don't know. I mean...
674
00:39:05,967 --> 00:39:09,437
...you could maybe
talk to the girl next to her?
675
00:39:09,607 --> 00:39:11,279
You know, maybe make her feel jealous?
676
00:39:14,807 --> 00:39:20,518
Hand to God, kid, I never felt
like you were my son until now.
677
00:39:23,927 --> 00:39:27,636
Man, I don't know why we didn't have
this conversation years ago, huh?
678
00:39:28,247 --> 00:39:30,715
Well, that's enough for one night.
Let's hit the bricks.
679
00:39:30,887 --> 00:39:32,684
- But what about the blond?
- No, no, no.
680
00:39:32,847 --> 00:39:35,998
- You gotta throw the small ones back.
- Come on.
681
00:39:36,167 --> 00:39:38,806
- I mean, it just wouldn't be right.
Please?
682
00:39:41,407 --> 00:39:42,965
This elevator's going down.
683
00:39:43,127 --> 00:39:46,164
Here we go.
Watch this move. Watch this move.
684
00:39:49,047 --> 00:39:53,325
I gotta say, I remember
the ladies being a bit more glamorous.
685
00:40:00,487 --> 00:40:04,639
And that, Dutch, is how it's done.
That's how it's done.
686
00:40:04,807 --> 00:40:06,638
But you just struck out.
687
00:40:06,807 --> 00:40:10,959
You know, just because she's
not into that doesn't mean I'm not.
688
00:40:12,727 --> 00:40:14,240
I've got a gift.
689
00:40:15,647 --> 00:40:20,118
Oh, well, hello, darling.
What took you so long? Hi.
690
00:40:20,287 --> 00:40:21,686
And you were never the same.
691
00:40:22,527 --> 00:40:24,165
Come on. Whoo!
692
00:40:30,287 --> 00:40:31,766
Mickey's basement.
693
00:40:31,927 --> 00:40:35,283
Yeah, I'd recognize that bachy smell
from anywhere.
694
00:40:35,447 --> 00:40:38,007
Oh, I know, it smells good.
Oh, there's Jenny.
695
00:40:38,527 --> 00:40:41,997
You didn't see her for two years while
you learned at the hand of the master.
696
00:40:44,647 --> 00:40:47,081
Hey, Connor's here.
697
00:40:54,527 --> 00:40:57,678
I, uh, got the new Poison.
698
00:41:00,367 --> 00:41:01,880
It's Connor Mead.
699
00:41:02,047 --> 00:41:03,958
I heard his uncle
homeschooled him in Vegas...
700
00:41:04,127 --> 00:41:05,162
...the last two years.
701
00:41:05,327 --> 00:41:07,124
Really? I heard it was Bangkok.
702
00:41:09,487 --> 00:41:12,047
Okay, it has been too long.
Yeah!
703
00:41:12,207 --> 00:41:14,641
Yeah!
All right!
704
00:41:16,247 --> 00:41:18,363
- Nice move, buddy.
- Yeah.
705
00:41:18,527 --> 00:41:22,202
See, the worst part about your
uncle's advice was it actually worked.
706
00:41:22,367 --> 00:41:23,766
Thank God, Uncle Wayne.
707
00:41:25,687 --> 00:41:27,757
He so doesn't wanna talk to you.
708
00:41:27,927 --> 00:41:30,760
He looks like Duran Duran, both of them.
709
00:41:33,087 --> 00:41:35,396
Look, it's me.
Oh, my God, it's me, it's me. Ha, ha.
710
00:41:37,607 --> 00:41:42,476
Oh, my God.
We dated for the next 39 minutes...
711
00:41:42,647 --> 00:41:46,242
...and it was the best two-thirds
of an hour in my young life.
712
00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:50,277
Look at how happy we were.
713
00:41:50,447 --> 00:41:54,963
But, alas, our love was not meant to be.
714
00:41:56,687 --> 00:41:59,201
I mean, you didn't get the girl
that you really loved...
715
00:41:59,367 --> 00:42:01,961
...but you did get every other girl
in high school.
716
00:42:02,127 --> 00:42:05,836
Starting with me that very night.
You remember that, your first time?
717
00:42:06,007 --> 00:42:10,717
- No, no, no. I don't wanna see that.
- Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very...
718
00:42:10,887 --> 00:42:11,876
It's over.
719
00:42:18,767 --> 00:42:23,045
Connor Mead's first sex partner.
It's like, I feel...
720
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:26,882
I feel like Neil Armstrong.
It's really the only thing I could equate...
721
00:42:27,047 --> 00:42:29,766
...you know, to what I did for you.
722
00:42:29,927 --> 00:42:34,284
You know, him on the moon,
me with you, it's like he was the first.
723
00:42:34,767 --> 00:42:36,883
You know, like,
Jenny was your first love...
724
00:42:37,047 --> 00:42:40,642
...but you had to grow 12 inches of hair
before you saw her again.
725
00:42:40,807 --> 00:42:44,482
Now, to my way of thinking,
every woman is beautiful in some way.
726
00:42:44,647 --> 00:42:47,844
I just have to figure out how.
I've gotta see it, I've gotta frame it...
727
00:42:48,007 --> 00:42:49,042
...I've gotta focus it.
728
00:42:50,407 --> 00:42:52,238
And then I shoot it.
Yeah, and it's immortalized.
729
00:42:52,407 --> 00:42:54,967
Jenny, you want another Zima?
Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
730
00:42:55,127 --> 00:42:57,038
Jenny Perotti.
731
00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,039
Connor Mead.
732
00:42:59,207 --> 00:43:01,437
- Hey.
Hey, it's me.
733
00:43:01,607 --> 00:43:04,075
- You look gorgeous, darling.
- Oh.
734
00:43:04,247 --> 00:43:06,477
Thank you, darling.
735
00:43:06,647 --> 00:43:09,207
Uh, ladies, you're gonna have to
excuse me for a moment.
736
00:43:09,367 --> 00:43:12,996
I must buy a drink for the girl who blew
me off for Pete Hastings in high school.
737
00:43:13,167 --> 00:43:15,965
- I didn't blow you off, you choked.
I was slow playing you.
738
00:43:16,127 --> 00:43:17,480
- You choked.
- Excuse us for...
739
00:43:17,647 --> 00:43:19,922
Slow playing me?
For what, 10 years? Please.
740
00:43:20,087 --> 00:43:22,203
All right, maybe I choked.
741
00:43:22,367 --> 00:43:24,801
- So... Yeah.
- Jenny Perotti.
742
00:43:24,967 --> 00:43:26,958
What are you doing with all the women?
743
00:43:27,127 --> 00:43:29,925
I work for Herb Ritts.
You know, the famous photographer?
744
00:43:30,087 --> 00:43:32,396
- You're a photographer?
I am.
745
00:43:32,767 --> 00:43:35,725
- I gave you your first camera.
You sure did.
746
00:43:35,887 --> 00:43:38,481
- So, what are you...? What are you doing?
I'm a doctor.
747
00:43:38,647 --> 00:43:41,036
- Well, first-year resident, but...
- Yeah.
748
00:43:41,207 --> 00:43:44,324
- But Herb Ritts. God, that's impressive.
- Yeah, I'm his second shooter.
749
00:43:44,487 --> 00:43:47,126
That's great.
- I bank north of 150K a year.
750
00:43:47,287 --> 00:43:50,643
- It's totally killer, I love my job. Hector.
- Yeah?
751
00:43:53,847 --> 00:43:57,476
I can't believe you just said that.
- I can't believe I just said that either.
752
00:43:57,647 --> 00:44:00,844
You told me your salary, and then
spoke Spanish to the old white guy.
753
00:44:01,007 --> 00:44:03,601
- You're totally cheesy now.
- Get out. I am not.
754
00:44:03,767 --> 00:44:06,759
- You gonna try to get me in the sack?
- I'm the same old Connor.
755
00:44:06,927 --> 00:44:09,316
Damn right I'm gonna try
and get you in the sack now.
756
00:44:09,487 --> 00:44:11,842
Look at you, you are gorgeous.
What did you think?
757
00:44:12,007 --> 00:44:15,124
I was inviting you over here to have
a drink just to see how you been?
758
00:44:16,207 --> 00:44:18,721
- How have you been?
- Great.
759
00:44:18,887 --> 00:44:22,004
Pete Hastings and I are still together,
madly in love.
760
00:44:22,167 --> 00:44:25,603
- Damn it. I knew it.
- We live in a split-level in Jersey. It's love.
761
00:44:25,767 --> 00:44:29,203
- That son of a bitch.
- Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue.
762
00:44:29,367 --> 00:44:31,437
And every now and then
I put on the red dress...
763
00:44:31,607 --> 00:44:33,962
No, pink. Pink dress.
... let him cup my bottom.
764
00:44:34,127 --> 00:44:36,243
- The hot-pink dress.
- What?
765
00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:38,523
That's the dress you were wearing
when you were dancing...
766
00:44:38,687 --> 00:44:41,247
...with Pete instead of me.
767
00:44:41,407 --> 00:44:42,965
Hey, Jen?
768
00:44:43,607 --> 00:44:44,881
We're leaving.
769
00:44:45,047 --> 00:44:47,322
But we can wait...
770
00:44:47,887 --> 00:44:49,286
Um...
771
00:44:50,727 --> 00:44:53,287
Nope. I'm going, thanks.
772
00:44:53,447 --> 00:44:57,235
- Whoa, just like that?
- Well, it was great seeing you.
773
00:44:57,407 --> 00:44:58,920
- Jenny.
- Take care.
774
00:44:59,087 --> 00:45:00,998
- Hang on a second.
- Come on.
775
00:45:01,167 --> 00:45:03,317
You gotta at least give me your number.
776
00:45:03,487 --> 00:45:06,001
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, doc.
777
00:45:06,167 --> 00:45:08,556
I have a medical condition
that I need to see you about...
778
00:45:08,727 --> 00:45:10,046
...and by law you have to help me.
779
00:45:10,207 --> 00:45:11,879
- What's your medical condition?
- Broken heart.
780
00:45:13,207 --> 00:45:15,801
Come on. Come on, we'll go out.
We'll have fun.
781
00:45:15,967 --> 00:45:19,164
We'll have a little dinner,
have a little sex.
782
00:45:19,407 --> 00:45:21,921
- Okay, okay, just sex.
- How about just dinner?
783
00:45:23,367 --> 00:45:24,402
Fine. Suit yourself.
784
00:45:25,127 --> 00:45:27,402
He's all yours, girls.
785
00:45:27,927 --> 00:45:31,363
All right, dinner's good. Dinner's good.
786
00:45:31,807 --> 00:45:33,957
Yeah. I love dinner.
787
00:45:34,127 --> 00:45:36,277
You know what?
I'm pretty hungry right now.
788
00:45:36,447 --> 00:45:39,245
- What do you say?
- All right. Well, on one condition.
789
00:45:39,407 --> 00:45:40,396
We gotta...
790
00:45:40,887 --> 00:45:43,276
We gotta button you up.
You look like a gay pirate.
791
00:45:45,207 --> 00:45:48,438
- Am I gonna have to call a cab for you?
- No, no, I live here.
792
00:45:48,607 --> 00:45:49,596
Oh, nice building.
793
00:45:49,767 --> 00:45:51,564
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- You could upgrade...
794
00:45:51,727 --> 00:45:54,924
...if you banked north of 150K a year...
- And fifty thousand dollars!
795
00:45:55,087 --> 00:45:56,566
...like I do!
796
00:45:56,727 --> 00:45:59,844
You gotta learn to say that
in Spanish for Hector.
797
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,204
Wow, that self-deprecating shtick
really works.
798
00:46:03,367 --> 00:46:06,120
I might have to put that back
in my playbook.
799
00:46:06,287 --> 00:46:09,597
I'm genuinely concerned that you might
be missing the entire point of this.
800
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:13,237
- Good night.
Well, hang on a second.
801
00:46:13,407 --> 00:46:16,001
Let me help you carry your luggage up.
802
00:46:16,167 --> 00:46:20,604
- No. We just met today, sort of.
- What are you talking about?
803
00:46:20,767 --> 00:46:21,756
- No.
- Hey.
804
00:46:21,927 --> 00:46:24,361
We've known each other our whole lives.
805
00:46:24,527 --> 00:46:26,563
It's been too great a night
to end it out here.
806
00:46:28,247 --> 00:46:30,681
You've gotten really good at this.
807
00:46:32,047 --> 00:46:35,278
But you cannot come up.
I don't want this to be a one-night thing.
808
00:46:35,927 --> 00:46:38,487
So you've gotta woo me.
809
00:46:38,647 --> 00:46:42,003
Why woo when we can just do?
810
00:46:42,167 --> 00:46:43,566
- Ha, ha.
- Huh?
811
00:46:43,727 --> 00:46:46,241
The wooing is actually
not for my benefit.
812
00:46:48,647 --> 00:46:50,000
Mm.
813
00:46:56,607 --> 00:46:59,963
I can't believe she called me
on my crap like that.
814
00:47:00,847 --> 00:47:03,805
That is not at all how I remember it.
815
00:47:06,847 --> 00:47:08,280
So, what's next?
816
00:47:08,447 --> 00:47:12,201
Well, now we're gonna watch
a romantic montage of you and Jenny...
817
00:47:12,367 --> 00:47:14,881
...set to Cyndi Lauper's
"Time After Time. "
818
00:47:41,847 --> 00:47:44,122
Awake me when
there's an action sequence, will you?
819
00:47:44,287 --> 00:47:45,686
Shh.
820
00:47:50,487 --> 00:47:52,478
- Hello, ladies, how are you?
- Oh, good.
821
00:47:54,007 --> 00:47:55,599
Great. Thank you so much.
822
00:47:55,767 --> 00:47:58,918
Everything was great.
Do you have a dessert menu?
823
00:48:02,527 --> 00:48:03,516
What are you...?
824
00:48:09,327 --> 00:48:13,366
And then,
after several weeks of wooing...
825
00:48:17,847 --> 00:48:19,678
Ah, here we go.
826
00:48:20,727 --> 00:48:22,001
Whoo!
827
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:27,438
Oh, yeah.
828
00:48:28,607 --> 00:48:30,165
That was amazing.
829
00:48:30,327 --> 00:48:34,161
I can't imagine why.
We only had 20 years of foreplay.
830
00:48:47,767 --> 00:48:49,803
Oh, yeah.
831
00:48:55,447 --> 00:48:57,517
- What are you doing?
- Uh, I gotta get home.
832
00:48:57,687 --> 00:49:00,247
I got something early in the morning
I gotta take care of.
833
00:49:00,407 --> 00:49:03,046
Yeah, me too. The alarm is already set.
834
00:49:03,487 --> 00:49:06,797
Look, Jenny, I don't, uh, stay over,
you know what I mean?
835
00:49:06,967 --> 00:49:10,642
Wait, Connor, listen. There are
two types of women in this world.
836
00:49:10,807 --> 00:49:14,322
Women you shag and leave,
and women you shag and snuggle.
837
00:49:14,487 --> 00:49:17,320
Regrettably,
I'm the shag-and-snuggle kind.
838
00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:21,321
So you have three seconds to get
back in this bed where you belong...
839
00:49:21,487 --> 00:49:24,047
...and where, deep down,
you actually wanna be.
840
00:49:24,207 --> 00:49:27,483
Or you can march out of my apartment
and never call me again.
841
00:49:27,647 --> 00:49:29,126
One...
842
00:49:29,687 --> 00:49:31,120
...two...
843
00:49:35,927 --> 00:49:37,042
Three.
844
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:44,406
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
845
00:49:45,647 --> 00:49:49,037
This is the moment
you truly fell in love with Jenny.
846
00:49:49,447 --> 00:49:51,563
You completely let her in.
847
00:49:52,007 --> 00:49:56,364
And this is the moment that you realized
you were spooning.
848
00:49:58,567 --> 00:50:01,127
So you did what you do best.
849
00:50:29,567 --> 00:50:31,125
All right, I don't wanna see this.
850
00:50:31,287 --> 00:50:32,276
Of course not.
851
00:50:35,127 --> 00:50:36,640
I called.
852
00:50:36,807 --> 00:50:39,162
Good. I don't remember calling.
853
00:50:39,327 --> 00:50:40,885
Hello?
854
00:50:41,367 --> 00:50:42,800
Oh.
855
00:50:44,127 --> 00:50:46,004
No, this is Dr. Perotti.
856
00:50:47,247 --> 00:50:49,044
Okay. Yup.
857
00:50:49,207 --> 00:50:51,198
I'll be there in 15.
858
00:50:52,087 --> 00:50:53,679
Okay, good.
859
00:51:02,167 --> 00:51:07,036
And that was the last stop before
you officially became Connor Mead.
860
00:51:08,487 --> 00:51:11,604
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
861
00:51:20,487 --> 00:51:24,036
After Jenny, your relationships
grew shorter and shorter.
862
00:51:24,207 --> 00:51:26,960
So short, in fact, that it would be easier
to do this in bulk.
863
00:51:27,127 --> 00:51:29,561
- You remember Amy, the stewardess?
- Hey, Connor.
864
00:51:29,727 --> 00:51:31,683
We had plane sex
somewhere over Albany.
865
00:51:31,847 --> 00:51:34,725
And Rochester.
And South Bend, Indiana.
866
00:51:34,887 --> 00:51:36,400
Triple whammy.
867
00:51:37,167 --> 00:51:39,078
You slept with my sister.
868
00:51:39,247 --> 00:51:41,681
I was Shawna back then.
A waitress at the Palm.
869
00:51:41,847 --> 00:51:43,360
We had coatroom sex
on my smoke break.
870
00:51:43,527 --> 00:51:44,562
That was you?
871
00:51:49,927 --> 00:51:51,406
We dated for two days.
872
00:51:51,567 --> 00:51:53,205
- For an hour.
- For 48 seconds.
873
00:51:53,367 --> 00:51:55,358
We had sex in your car.
- On your car.
874
00:51:55,527 --> 00:51:56,846
While I washed your car.
875
00:51:57,007 --> 00:51:59,123
- You never called me again.
- Never called again.
876
00:51:59,287 --> 00:52:02,723
Every time you slept with me,
you called me Jenny.
877
00:52:03,167 --> 00:52:05,203
Right. How much more of this do I have?
878
00:52:05,367 --> 00:52:06,561
Um, a lot.
879
00:52:08,047 --> 00:52:09,366
Oh, wow.
880
00:52:09,527 --> 00:52:12,166
Okay, this is getting kind of weird.
881
00:52:12,327 --> 00:52:15,125
We miss you, Connor.
Connor, stay with us.
882
00:52:15,287 --> 00:52:17,801
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
883
00:52:17,967 --> 00:52:20,322
I need you, Connor.
Hey, back off.
884
00:52:21,687 --> 00:52:22,802
Get off!
885
00:52:22,967 --> 00:52:24,923
I'm obsessed with you, Connor.
886
00:52:25,087 --> 00:52:26,406
Get off!
887
00:52:26,567 --> 00:52:28,159
I love you, Connor!
- Get...
888
00:52:28,727 --> 00:52:30,126
Ow!
889
00:52:32,007 --> 00:52:33,725
Nightmare.
890
00:52:35,407 --> 00:52:36,840
Alcohol.
891
00:52:37,007 --> 00:52:40,682
It's not complicated.
Our guests are represented by the Allies.
892
00:52:40,847 --> 00:52:43,407
Paul, you and your guests are Nazis.
893
00:52:43,567 --> 00:52:45,080
I'll try not to read into that, sir.
894
00:52:45,247 --> 00:52:48,045
Blue frogmen are non-requisite
support personnel.
895
00:52:48,207 --> 00:52:51,279
Waiters, photographers, caterers,
band members and so forth.
896
00:52:51,447 --> 00:52:53,915
Oh, Donna, look.
You got a grenade launcher.
897
00:52:54,087 --> 00:52:57,124
Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers.
Thank you.
898
00:52:57,287 --> 00:52:59,847
Daddy, you're not showing off
your seating chart, are you?
899
00:53:00,007 --> 00:53:04,239
Oh, come on. It's perfect.
It's really impeccable.
900
00:53:05,687 --> 00:53:07,279
I didn't even get a machine gun.
901
00:53:07,447 --> 00:53:09,517
Alcohol. Alcohol.
902
00:53:13,687 --> 00:53:15,040
Alcohol.
903
00:53:21,087 --> 00:53:23,157
What's left in here?
904
00:53:23,767 --> 00:53:25,359
All right.
905
00:53:36,007 --> 00:53:37,406
Oh. Oh. Uh...
906
00:53:37,567 --> 00:53:39,205
Not good.
907
00:53:39,887 --> 00:53:42,799
Okay, not good. Not good.
Where's the leg?
908
00:53:43,447 --> 00:53:44,846
Okay.
909
00:53:53,487 --> 00:53:55,762
Something to hold you up.
910
00:53:55,927 --> 00:53:57,326
Bottle.
911
00:53:58,287 --> 00:53:59,561
Okay, that'll work.
912
00:54:03,447 --> 00:54:06,166
Okay, sarge and Sandy.
913
00:54:06,327 --> 00:54:07,999
Yeah, there you go.
914
00:54:08,167 --> 00:54:10,362
And Paul and Mrs. Volcom.
915
00:54:10,527 --> 00:54:11,926
Try to keep up, son.
916
00:54:12,087 --> 00:54:13,679
Then the rest of the wedding party
joins in.
917
00:54:13,847 --> 00:54:14,836
Hey.
918
00:54:15,007 --> 00:54:16,838
- All right.
- Here we go.
919
00:54:18,087 --> 00:54:20,476
Watch out for the flowers.
920
00:54:23,127 --> 00:54:25,516
- Would you like to dance?
- Oh, thank you...
921
00:54:25,687 --> 00:54:27,678
...but I'm just watching the...
- Jenny, dance.
922
00:54:27,847 --> 00:54:29,405
Come on.
923
00:54:31,447 --> 00:54:33,483
Oh, nice frame.
924
00:54:33,647 --> 00:54:35,160
The same.
925
00:54:38,207 --> 00:54:39,435
Where'd you learn to dance?
926
00:54:39,607 --> 00:54:42,326
- I spent some time in Colombia.
- What, are you a drug mule?
927
00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:44,000
No, Doctors Without Borders.
928
00:54:44,167 --> 00:54:48,080
- I know, he's perfect.
- Shut up.
929
00:54:57,287 --> 00:54:59,926
Hey! Shh, shh.
930
00:55:05,807 --> 00:55:10,642
- What else are you ridiculously good at?
- He's certified in shiatsu massage.
931
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,081
Is it weird that I know that?
932
00:55:12,247 --> 00:55:13,965
- Yeah.
- A little. Ha, ha.
933
00:55:39,767 --> 00:55:42,281
What's going...? Oh, God.
934
00:55:42,447 --> 00:55:44,677
Oh, my God, the cake.
Did you see what happened?
935
00:55:44,847 --> 00:55:46,121
Oh, my God.
936
00:55:46,287 --> 00:55:49,404
Okay, look, these things
are not very well-engineered, all right?
937
00:55:49,567 --> 00:55:52,035
They're very rickety.
938
00:55:52,207 --> 00:55:55,517
- Here we go.
- No!
939
00:55:55,687 --> 00:55:58,485
I can totally fix this.
940
00:56:00,727 --> 00:56:04,800
If it's any consolation,
the cake really wasn't very good.
941
00:56:06,727 --> 00:56:10,276
You had a piece?
942
00:56:10,447 --> 00:56:14,156
Look, it splattered into my mouth
upon impact, all right?
943
00:56:14,327 --> 00:56:20,243
- It was unavoidable.
- It is a wedding cake, you stupid bitch.
944
00:56:20,407 --> 00:56:22,967
Not a rehearsal-dinner cake!
945
00:56:23,127 --> 00:56:25,197
- I hate you!
- No, no, no, Sandy, Sandy. Release.
946
00:56:25,367 --> 00:56:26,720
- Release. Release.
- Aah! Aah!
947
00:56:27,487 --> 00:56:29,364
He's not worth it, sweetheart.
948
00:56:29,527 --> 00:56:32,087
I'm fine. I'm fine.
949
00:56:32,247 --> 00:56:34,397
I am a lady.
950
00:56:34,567 --> 00:56:37,035
I am a professional.
951
00:56:37,567 --> 00:56:39,717
And I'm fine.
952
00:56:40,367 --> 00:56:43,723
Let's get out of here.
- Okay, see if you can stabilize the bride.
953
00:56:43,887 --> 00:56:47,004
I've got the cake and childcare.
Brad, some shiatsu for Sandra, please?
954
00:56:47,167 --> 00:56:48,680
Let's see some happy faces.
955
00:56:49,047 --> 00:56:50,082
Big happy, big happy.
956
00:56:50,247 --> 00:56:52,203
Oh, where do you think you're going?
957
00:56:52,807 --> 00:56:53,876
- Breathe.
Let me know...
958
00:56:54,047 --> 00:56:55,036
...if the pressure's okay.
959
00:56:55,207 --> 00:56:56,686
There you go.
960
00:56:57,767 --> 00:56:59,758
- Thank you, Denice.
- Thank you.
961
00:56:59,927 --> 00:57:01,963
- Okay. Oh, that's good.
- She's freaking out.
962
00:57:02,127 --> 00:57:04,482
- I know.
- Connor is ruining the wedding.
963
00:57:04,647 --> 00:57:07,559
He is also ruining
Operation Sex For Every Bridesmaid.
964
00:57:07,727 --> 00:57:09,524
- I almost hooked up with Connor.
- What?
965
00:57:09,687 --> 00:57:12,121
When he told me to go by his room,
the door was locked.
966
00:57:12,287 --> 00:57:13,959
I could hear him talking to himself.
967
00:57:14,127 --> 00:57:15,640
Dude, that guy takes mind games...
968
00:57:15,807 --> 00:57:17,684
...to the next level.
- Old school.
969
00:57:17,847 --> 00:57:19,997
- So who's next?
- I'm up.
970
00:57:20,167 --> 00:57:22,362
Oh, wait. Are you the one
that slept with Paul?
971
00:57:22,527 --> 00:57:24,165
- No.
- Because he won't go there.
972
00:57:24,767 --> 00:57:27,998
- Ew. What?
- That would be me.
973
00:57:29,407 --> 00:57:32,080
- Shut up. Shut your face.
- No. You never told us that.
974
00:57:32,247 --> 00:57:35,603
Well, I'm paying the price. Looks like
I'm gonna have to get plastered...
975
00:57:35,767 --> 00:57:38,327
...and downgrade
to one of Paul's desperate work friends.
976
00:57:38,487 --> 00:57:40,955
I can transmit, page, pilot
and sync channels now.
977
00:57:41,127 --> 00:57:44,244
- What channel are you on?
- Hey, guys, holster them.
978
00:57:45,047 --> 00:57:46,878
- Why?
- Women.
979
00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:48,162
Oh.
980
00:57:48,327 --> 00:57:50,283
- Say it isn't so.
- They're so weird.
981
00:57:53,047 --> 00:57:56,039
Yeah, somebody is enjoying this
a little bit.
982
00:57:56,207 --> 00:57:57,560
Ha, ha. Are you kidding me?
983
00:57:57,727 --> 00:58:01,356
Connor Mead, cleaning up his own mess.
I am loving it.
984
00:58:02,327 --> 00:58:04,716
You know what? I'm sorry.
985
00:58:05,327 --> 00:58:07,682
It's a cake.
There'll be a bakery open in town.
986
00:58:07,847 --> 00:58:10,600
I'm not talking about this.
987
00:58:11,167 --> 00:58:14,921
I'm talking about us. You know?
988
00:58:15,207 --> 00:58:17,437
How it played out.
989
00:58:17,607 --> 00:58:19,837
You're actually apologizing, aren't you?
990
00:58:20,007 --> 00:58:22,805
Okay, we don't need
to make a production out of it, now.
991
00:58:22,967 --> 00:58:25,527
How are things looking? Spick-and-span?
Any more spots?
992
00:58:25,687 --> 00:58:30,158
You know, it was probably,
in some small way, partially my fault.
993
00:58:30,327 --> 00:58:33,046
- I was always attracted to assholes.
- Thank you very much.
994
00:58:33,207 --> 00:58:36,836
Well, you know what I mean, though.
Projects. Guys that I thought I could fix.
995
00:58:37,007 --> 00:58:39,362
Probably has something to do
with my dad.
996
00:58:39,567 --> 00:58:42,365
- Probably.
- After you left, I made a vow to myself...
997
00:58:42,527 --> 00:58:45,121
...to date only fully functional,
well-adjusted men.
998
00:58:45,287 --> 00:58:50,600
- No more works-in-progress. No dirtbags.
- So basically, women.
999
00:58:50,767 --> 00:58:52,359
Basically women.
1000
00:58:52,527 --> 00:58:57,840
So how strong of a vow
is your no-dirtbags policy?
1001
00:58:58,007 --> 00:59:00,441
I had it tattooed on my ass.
1002
00:59:02,487 --> 00:59:04,603
- Can I see?
- No.
1003
00:59:05,967 --> 00:59:07,685
- Wait, what are you doing?
- What?
1004
00:59:07,847 --> 00:59:09,200
- What?
- What am I doing? Wha...?
1005
00:59:09,367 --> 00:59:13,804
Okay, look. I know I dropped the ball
before a bit, but I have changed, I swear.
1006
00:59:13,967 --> 00:59:15,366
- No, you haven't.
- No, I have.
1007
00:59:15,527 --> 00:59:19,566
Jenny, I'm seeing things
in a whole different way tonight.
1008
00:59:19,727 --> 00:59:23,163
All right? I love you. I think.
I mean, I always have.
1009
00:59:23,327 --> 00:59:24,806
You're the one
I was supposed to be with.
1010
00:59:24,967 --> 00:59:26,639
Wait, Connor, stop it. Just...
1011
00:59:27,247 --> 00:59:30,762
I hear what you're saying, and I think
right now you actually believe it.
1012
00:59:30,927 --> 00:59:34,237
- Yeah.
- But I know you.
1013
00:59:35,487 --> 00:59:37,842
Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up.
1014
00:59:39,127 --> 00:59:40,799
You won't be there.
1015
00:59:41,687 --> 00:59:45,441
Okay, but, Jenny, I really, really don't
wanna be alone tonight, you know?
1016
00:59:45,607 --> 00:59:47,837
- Okay. No, I get it.
- Will you please stay with me?
1017
00:59:48,567 --> 00:59:51,445
Seriously!
Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom!
1018
00:59:55,207 --> 00:59:57,198
Hello, Connor.
- Aah!
1019
00:59:59,047 --> 01:00:00,241
Dude.
1020
01:00:00,407 --> 01:00:04,082
What does a girl have to do
to get laid at this wedding?
1021
01:00:06,967 --> 01:00:10,482
Yeah. Four Seasons, please.
1022
01:00:14,447 --> 01:00:17,325
- Come on, start. Aah!
- Where do you think you're going?
1023
01:00:19,527 --> 01:00:24,078
Oh, Mel. God, you don't know
how happy I am to see you.
1024
01:00:24,847 --> 01:00:26,326
Aah!
1025
01:00:26,487 --> 01:00:29,445
Really, did you learn nothing
from the last ghost?
1026
01:00:29,887 --> 01:00:31,843
- You're the ghost of girlfriends present?
- Mm-hm.
1027
01:00:32,007 --> 01:00:34,237
- That makes no sense.
- Oh, tell me about it.
1028
01:00:34,407 --> 01:00:37,524
But as sad as it is, I'm the only
consistent woman in your life.
1029
01:00:37,687 --> 01:00:41,680
So here I am,
just working on the weekend. Again.
1030
01:00:41,847 --> 01:00:43,280
But we never...
1031
01:00:43,447 --> 01:00:44,880
I mean, you...
1032
01:00:45,047 --> 01:00:47,003
- You're totally gay, right?
- What?
1033
01:00:47,167 --> 01:00:48,156
You're not?
1034
01:00:48,327 --> 01:00:52,240
No. There was just one time in college.
I went to Barnard.
1035
01:00:52,407 --> 01:00:53,920
- Okay.
- I had no choice.
1036
01:00:54,087 --> 01:00:55,600
Hey, I'm sorry, Mel.
1037
01:00:55,767 --> 01:00:58,235
If I'd have known,
I would have hit on you a lot sooner.
1038
01:00:58,407 --> 01:01:00,238
Aw. Ha, ha.
1039
01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:03,922
- Ow! What was that for?
- Because tonight, I'm the boss.
1040
01:01:04,087 --> 01:01:05,486
You ready?
1041
01:01:09,967 --> 01:01:11,923
What are you doing?
1042
01:01:13,687 --> 01:01:17,202
Aren't we gonna, like,
fly off or something?
1043
01:01:17,367 --> 01:01:20,962
It's the present, you idiot.
We're here already.
1044
01:01:26,047 --> 01:01:27,036
Mel.
1045
01:01:27,927 --> 01:01:30,805
Okay, no. That is not what I said.
I don't care.
1046
01:01:30,967 --> 01:01:33,037
He's a beautiful piece of a man.
1047
01:01:33,207 --> 01:01:37,166
Hey, look at how much fun they're
having now that you're gone.
1048
01:01:37,567 --> 01:01:39,080
- He's not shallow.
- Shallow?
1049
01:01:39,247 --> 01:01:41,966
Honey, he spends every Christmas alone
at the Knicks game.
1050
01:01:42,127 --> 01:01:43,196
Yeah, he is all surface.
1051
01:01:43,367 --> 01:01:46,803
Yeah, but in his defense,
it's a really hot surface.
1052
01:01:46,967 --> 01:01:49,003
- Well, yeah.
- Okay, he's not that bad.
1053
01:01:49,167 --> 01:01:50,202
Thank you, Paulie.
1054
01:01:50,367 --> 01:01:52,437
Paul, he hit on your mother-in-law.
1055
01:01:52,607 --> 01:01:55,280
- I've banged worse.
- Thank you, Vonda.
1056
01:01:55,447 --> 01:01:56,960
Oh!
1057
01:01:57,127 --> 01:02:00,244
You guys just don't know him like I do.
You don't.
1058
01:02:00,407 --> 01:02:02,637
You know,
that guy practically raised me.
1059
01:02:03,087 --> 01:02:08,115
I was 2 when our parents died.
Connor was just 7.
1060
01:02:08,727 --> 01:02:13,960
You know, at an age when he's supposed
to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one.
1061
01:02:14,407 --> 01:02:16,398
He taught me how to read.
1062
01:02:17,887 --> 01:02:20,560
He taught me how to ride a bike.
1063
01:02:21,607 --> 01:02:25,441
He beat the crap out of any kid
who ever teased me.
1064
01:02:25,607 --> 01:02:29,759
You know, he always said, "Paulie,
it's you and me against the world. "
1065
01:02:30,927 --> 01:02:36,081
My point is, I had the opportunity
to be a nice kid and Connor didn't.
1066
01:02:36,527 --> 01:02:39,917
Now, I know he seems like a joke
to you guys...
1067
01:02:40,087 --> 01:02:45,115
...and trust me, you all have fair points,
but that guy is the only family I've got.
1068
01:02:45,287 --> 01:02:47,039
And if there's one thing family does...
1069
01:02:47,207 --> 01:02:51,917
...it is believe, against all odds,
in the best of each other.
1070
01:02:57,047 --> 01:02:58,162
I love him.
1071
01:02:58,327 --> 01:03:02,161
And as long as I live, I'll believe
he can change, because he's...
1072
01:03:03,127 --> 01:03:05,038
He's my big brother.
1073
01:03:09,527 --> 01:03:11,438
I'm gonna call my brother.
1074
01:03:11,607 --> 01:03:13,120
It's been a while.
1075
01:03:14,487 --> 01:03:16,557
Of course,
that doesn't mean anything to you.
1076
01:03:17,047 --> 01:03:19,117
Because love doesn't exist, right?
1077
01:03:19,287 --> 01:03:23,246
It's just, "magical comfort food
for the weak and uneducated"?
1078
01:03:23,407 --> 01:03:28,435
Wow, that is as close as I will ever come
to feeling something for Connor Mead.
1079
01:03:28,607 --> 01:03:30,962
- Kudos.
- I saw you chatting him up at the bar.
1080
01:03:31,567 --> 01:03:36,402
Well, I still wanna do him,
but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure.
1081
01:03:36,567 --> 01:03:40,640
Ooh, like when Denice hooked up
with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza.
1082
01:03:41,207 --> 01:03:45,200
I was drunk
and he had such delicate hands.
1083
01:03:45,807 --> 01:03:49,402
Denice, you think that's bad? Look at
what Connor is doing to poor Jenny.
1084
01:03:49,567 --> 01:03:52,479
He has got that girl so twisted up
into a pretzel...
1085
01:03:52,647 --> 01:03:55,764
...she can't even appreciate
that fine slice of wedding beefcake...
1086
01:03:55,927 --> 01:03:58,646
...that Sandy has flown in for her.
1087
01:03:58,807 --> 01:04:00,240
Hua! Ha, ha.
1088
01:04:01,447 --> 01:04:04,245
Heard, understood, acknowledged?
1089
01:04:08,087 --> 01:04:09,202
Jenny, she's just...
1090
01:04:11,967 --> 01:04:13,559
Jenny.
1091
01:04:21,287 --> 01:04:24,518
- Oh, Jesus. Is she okay?
- What do you think?
1092
01:04:24,687 --> 01:04:26,006
Jenny?
1093
01:04:27,207 --> 01:04:30,404
Oh, of course.
Sensitive Brad to the rescue.
1094
01:04:30,567 --> 01:04:34,958
Now, wait a second, are you actually
trying to repair this wedding cake?
1095
01:04:35,287 --> 01:04:36,879
Maybe.
1096
01:04:37,727 --> 01:04:41,356
- I mean, a little.
- I used to moonlight as a pastry chef.
1097
01:04:41,527 --> 01:04:44,405
- Tell me this guy's gay.
- He's not. Trust me.
1098
01:04:44,567 --> 01:04:46,558
- Really?
- No. Not really.
1099
01:04:49,447 --> 01:04:51,119
You wanna talk about it?
1100
01:04:51,287 --> 01:04:54,165
As your designated wedding sex,
everything you say is privileged.
1101
01:04:54,327 --> 01:04:56,045
No, I just...
1102
01:04:56,207 --> 01:05:00,246
I mean, it's been like a decade
since Connor and I... You know.
1103
01:05:01,047 --> 01:05:04,323
But I see him again, and I am just
right back to where I was before.
1104
01:05:04,487 --> 01:05:07,604
My attending in med school used to say
that doctors never break up...
1105
01:05:07,767 --> 01:05:09,678
...we just go into remission.
1106
01:05:09,847 --> 01:05:11,883
We're naturally drawn
to the most hopeless patients.
1107
01:05:12,047 --> 01:05:14,800
The irredeemably screwed up.
The terminal cases.
1108
01:05:14,967 --> 01:05:18,801
- We get the point, Brad.
- It's just embarrassing, you know?
1109
01:05:18,967 --> 01:05:20,958
I think you only really
get over somebody...
1110
01:05:21,127 --> 01:05:24,403
...when you find somebody else
that you care about more.
1111
01:05:24,927 --> 01:05:27,122
All right, this is a nightmare.
1112
01:05:27,287 --> 01:05:28,720
I'm bringing them together.
1113
01:05:29,487 --> 01:05:31,239
- This is a mess.
He's really cute too.
1114
01:05:31,407 --> 01:05:34,956
No, no, no. No way.
Jenny doesn't go for guys like this.
1115
01:05:35,127 --> 01:05:38,085
No, clearly not. Come on, let's go.
1116
01:05:38,247 --> 01:05:40,715
No, no, no. Now hang on.
Let's see how this plays out.
1117
01:05:40,887 --> 01:05:42,445
Okay. You're the boss.
1118
01:05:43,127 --> 01:05:44,560
Really?
1119
01:05:45,207 --> 01:05:47,926
Such a shvantza.
- What the hell was that fo...?
1120
01:05:48,087 --> 01:05:52,080
I just can't believe he broke up with us
on a conference call.
1121
01:05:52,247 --> 01:05:53,760
How did he fool all of us?
1122
01:05:53,927 --> 01:05:55,838
Yeah, but the weirdest thing, really...
1123
01:05:56,007 --> 01:05:58,441
...it seems like he wanted us
to fall in love with him.
1124
01:05:58,607 --> 01:06:03,761
And once we did, or thought we did,
he just disappeared.
1125
01:06:04,367 --> 01:06:06,483
How messed up is that?
1126
01:06:06,887 --> 01:06:08,684
Come on, Kiki. Don't cry.
1127
01:06:08,847 --> 01:06:10,963
At least Connor brought us
all together, right?
1128
01:06:11,127 --> 01:06:14,244
Hey, there we go, Charlece.
That's the winning attitude, huh?
1129
01:06:14,407 --> 01:06:16,079
Way to look on the bright side.
1130
01:06:16,247 --> 01:06:20,081
You've already got new relationships,
new friendships, right?
1131
01:06:20,247 --> 01:06:21,805
Here we go.
1132
01:06:21,967 --> 01:06:24,959
It's so exciting to have people over.
Martini?
1133
01:06:25,127 --> 01:06:27,118
- Oh, this is your apartment?
Liquor, good.
1134
01:06:27,287 --> 01:06:28,276
Mel.
1135
01:06:28,447 --> 01:06:32,804
I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori.
1136
01:06:33,327 --> 01:06:35,443
I know it sounds gross,
but drink two of them...
1137
01:06:35,607 --> 01:06:37,837
...and you won't be able
to feel your face. Cheers.
1138
01:06:38,007 --> 01:06:39,406
You brought them together?
1139
01:06:39,567 --> 01:06:43,958
Come on. Don't be sad, you whiny
bitches. Connor's not worth it.
1140
01:06:44,127 --> 01:06:47,119
He's like the Tin Man.
He was born without a heart.
1141
01:06:47,287 --> 01:06:49,676
And, ladies, know this:
1142
01:06:49,847 --> 01:06:52,315
That wherever
Connor lays his head tonight...
1143
01:06:52,487 --> 01:06:56,639
...when the sun comes up in
the morning, he will be all alone.
1144
01:06:56,807 --> 01:07:00,482
Well, I'll drink to that.
I feel much better.
1145
01:07:05,367 --> 01:07:07,562
So how you holding up, Dutch?
1146
01:07:08,567 --> 01:07:10,797
- Not too great.
- Yeah.
1147
01:07:13,007 --> 01:07:15,123
Why do all these women hate me?
1148
01:07:15,287 --> 01:07:17,517
You know, I don't hate them.
1149
01:07:17,687 --> 01:07:21,157
Woman love to be screwed,
they just don't like to be screwed over.
1150
01:07:21,767 --> 01:07:23,519
I know, it's annoying.
1151
01:07:23,687 --> 01:07:28,807
Yeah. I mean... Look, all right, maybe
I've hurt a few women in my time.
1152
01:07:28,967 --> 01:07:34,166
A few women? Dutch, please.
Don't con a con man.
1153
01:07:38,487 --> 01:07:42,685
- Oh, is this weather tricks?
- No tricks, Dutch.
1154
01:07:42,847 --> 01:07:48,080
These are all the lady tears
that have been shed for you in your life.
1155
01:07:55,687 --> 01:07:57,200
And these...
1156
01:07:58,487 --> 01:08:03,277
These are the tissues they used
to dry those tears.
1157
01:08:04,887 --> 01:08:07,447
And these are the chocolates you sent.
1158
01:08:09,487 --> 01:08:12,718
Right. You don't send chocolates.
They go straight to the hips.
1159
01:08:12,887 --> 01:08:13,876
Right.
1160
01:08:14,327 --> 01:08:17,046
And these are all the condoms you used.
1161
01:08:17,207 --> 01:08:18,322
No.
1162
01:08:18,487 --> 01:08:21,524
No! No! No!
1163
01:08:34,167 --> 01:08:36,158
No, don't!
Get off! Get off!
1164
01:08:36,327 --> 01:08:38,841
Don't! You're out of control!
Shut up!
1165
01:08:39,007 --> 01:08:40,235
Man, oh, man.
1166
01:08:40,407 --> 01:08:43,763
You guys are not gonna believe
what just happened to me in my car.
1167
01:08:47,487 --> 01:08:49,045
Is this about the cake?
1168
01:08:49,207 --> 01:08:52,643
This is not about the cake. This is about
the fact that Paul slept with Donna.
1169
01:08:52,807 --> 01:08:55,765
Information that you so kindly shared
with Denice earlier tonight.
1170
01:08:55,927 --> 01:08:59,124
Come on. All right, number one,
that was years ago.
1171
01:08:59,287 --> 01:09:01,642
There seems to be some debate
about the time line.
1172
01:09:01,807 --> 01:09:05,402
No, there is no debate. We were
going out. We were together.
1173
01:09:05,567 --> 01:09:08,001
- You cheated.
- We had just met. But you're right.
1174
01:09:08,167 --> 01:09:12,046
You're right. That's not important. What's
important is that I hurt you. Listen, baby...
1175
01:09:12,207 --> 01:09:15,040
You know what? Don't "listen, baby"
me. You had sex with her...
1176
01:09:15,207 --> 01:09:18,916
...and then you didn't even tell me. I
mean, what else don't I know about you?
1177
01:09:19,087 --> 01:09:21,647
Nothing. Nothing. There is nothing else.
1178
01:09:21,807 --> 01:09:25,004
Okay, I am so sorry.
Sweetie, I never meant to hurt you.
1179
01:09:25,167 --> 01:09:30,161
Cool. Right there. Hey, he said it.
He's sorry. He means it. Case closed.
1180
01:09:30,327 --> 01:09:34,639
"Case closed. " Because one apology
makes everything all better, right, Connor?
1181
01:09:34,807 --> 01:09:39,198
No, Jenny. What makes it okay
is that Paul still clearly loves her.
1182
01:09:39,367 --> 01:09:42,006
Oh, you're the expert on love.
You don't even believe in it.
1183
01:09:42,167 --> 01:09:46,046
If I can tell that you two love each other,
then you must really love each other.
1184
01:09:46,207 --> 01:09:48,402
You know I do, honey.
I love you so much.
1185
01:09:48,567 --> 01:09:52,560
That girl's been acting like a mental
patient for 12 hours. He's still here.
1186
01:09:52,727 --> 01:09:53,876
- Shut up.
- The point is...
1187
01:09:54,047 --> 01:09:55,878
...how does she even trust him anymore?
1188
01:09:56,047 --> 01:09:59,119
Whoa, are you talking about my brother,
or are you talking about me?
1189
01:09:59,287 --> 01:10:03,075
Let's not forget, this all went down
with your dear friend Donna over there.
1190
01:10:03,247 --> 01:10:06,478
A fact your little estrogen lynch mob
seems to have forgotten.
1191
01:10:06,927 --> 01:10:08,042
Seriously...
1192
01:10:08,207 --> 01:10:11,563
...if you ruled out marrying anyone
that your bridesmaids have slept with...
1193
01:10:11,727 --> 01:10:13,957
...you're gonna have to go abroad
to get a husband.
1194
01:10:14,127 --> 01:10:15,879
Go to hell, Connor.
1195
01:10:16,047 --> 01:10:17,196
- Sandy...
- Paulie, come on...
1196
01:10:17,367 --> 01:10:21,360
- Connor, I want you to leave.
You better air these things out...
1197
01:10:21,527 --> 01:10:23,279
Connor, leave!
1198
01:10:23,447 --> 01:10:27,884
God, you have done nothing but
make this weekend worse for everyone.
1199
01:10:29,527 --> 01:10:32,325
- Sandy!
- Paulie!
1200
01:10:33,687 --> 01:10:36,406
Hey, come on. Hey, Paulie.
Hey, hey, man. Look, I'm sorry.
1201
01:10:36,567 --> 01:10:39,286
They were right.
I never should have invited you.
1202
01:10:39,927 --> 01:10:42,566
You know, for years
I keep trying to convince myself...
1203
01:10:42,727 --> 01:10:45,036
...there's something redeemable in you.
1204
01:10:45,207 --> 01:10:46,606
I'm done. There isn't.
1205
01:10:46,767 --> 01:10:49,156
I was just trying to
get your back in there, okay?
1206
01:10:50,647 --> 01:10:54,879
- It's you and me against the world, right?
- You don't wanna be here.
1207
01:10:55,607 --> 01:10:57,359
And nobody wants you here.
1208
01:10:57,527 --> 01:10:59,995
So just go. Jus... Please?
1209
01:11:00,607 --> 01:11:01,596
Sandy!
1210
01:11:06,607 --> 01:11:10,122
I know I've got
one more ghost left on my contract...
1211
01:11:10,287 --> 01:11:13,040
...but I've been asked
to leave the premises!
1212
01:11:13,207 --> 01:11:16,165
So if you want me, come on!
1213
01:11:17,207 --> 01:11:20,199
Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing
my future girlfriends.
1214
01:11:20,367 --> 01:11:24,519
Frankly, that was the ghost
I was most looking forward to!
1215
01:11:24,927 --> 01:11:26,326
But whatever!
1216
01:11:41,847 --> 01:11:43,075
Whoa.
1217
01:11:48,527 --> 01:11:50,757
Are you my future girlfriend?
1218
01:11:56,087 --> 01:11:58,601
Would you like to be?
1219
01:12:48,607 --> 01:12:50,325
Oh, hell, no.
1220
01:12:50,487 --> 01:12:52,159
I get married?
1221
01:12:59,407 --> 01:13:00,556
Oh.
1222
01:13:01,327 --> 01:13:03,124
Okay, this could work.
1223
01:13:03,847 --> 01:13:08,523
As a matter of fact, this may be all right.
1224
01:13:10,607 --> 01:13:11,960
Brad?
1225
01:13:12,127 --> 01:13:13,765
No.
1226
01:13:13,927 --> 01:13:16,236
No, no, no.
1227
01:13:16,407 --> 01:13:17,476
No, no, no.
1228
01:13:17,647 --> 01:13:19,922
And now, if anyone here
knows any reason...
1229
01:13:20,087 --> 01:13:21,440
...why these two should not be wed...
1230
01:13:21,607 --> 01:13:23,359
I do.
Let them speak now...
1231
01:13:23,527 --> 01:13:25,438
No, Jenny,
you're supposed to be with me.
1232
01:13:25,607 --> 01:13:30,727
She was always supposed to be with me.
No. Don't do this. This is wrong. No.
1233
01:13:30,887 --> 01:13:35,324
No! I'm here. I'm here.
Jenny. I'm here. No.
1234
01:13:35,487 --> 01:13:37,637
No!
1235
01:14:06,967 --> 01:14:08,480
Oh, Paulie.
1236
01:14:13,127 --> 01:14:15,038
No wedding ring.
1237
01:14:15,647 --> 01:14:19,276
Wait a minute. He didn't get married?
1238
01:14:19,887 --> 01:14:21,445
Why?
1239
01:14:23,327 --> 01:14:24,726
Me?
1240
01:14:26,807 --> 01:14:28,206
What did I do?
1241
01:14:30,927 --> 01:14:32,724
You don't say much, do you?
1242
01:15:20,247 --> 01:15:23,045
Looks like we're, uh, all here.
1243
01:15:23,807 --> 01:15:25,843
Let's begin.
1244
01:15:26,287 --> 01:15:29,359
Lord, we are gathered here today
to lay to rest Connor Mead.
1245
01:15:30,807 --> 01:15:34,561
Connor Mead was a great man
and a great friend of the Church.
1246
01:15:34,727 --> 01:15:38,481
- There's only one person at my funeral?
That's the way it works, Dutch.
1247
01:15:40,127 --> 01:15:42,197
Guys like us...
1248
01:15:42,607 --> 01:15:44,040
...we don't get the big funeral.
1249
01:15:44,487 --> 01:15:48,196
I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne,
but this is ridiculous.
1250
01:15:48,727 --> 01:15:52,515
Yeah, I don't know how
to soften this one for you, Dutch. Uh...
1251
01:15:53,687 --> 01:15:56,042
Nobody's really gonna miss you.
1252
01:15:56,607 --> 01:16:00,919
Before the burial, would you like to say
a few words about the deceased?
1253
01:16:11,687 --> 01:16:13,678
Connor Mead...
1254
01:16:14,447 --> 01:16:16,483
...was a lot of things to a lot of people.
1255
01:16:16,927 --> 01:16:19,122
Not all of them good things...
1256
01:16:19,927 --> 01:16:22,441
...but to me he was a great brother.
1257
01:16:25,247 --> 01:16:28,000
Guess it's just me
against the world now.
1258
01:16:28,167 --> 01:16:31,842
No, it's not, Paulie. No, it's not.
Look, it doesn't have to happen like this.
1259
01:16:32,007 --> 01:16:35,283
- It's not gonna happen...
- Nothing you can do about it, Dutch.
1260
01:16:35,727 --> 01:16:38,685
You made your bed, now you gotta bang
whatever crawls into it.
1261
01:16:38,847 --> 01:16:41,919
That's what I keep trying to tell you.
What can I say?
1262
01:16:42,087 --> 01:16:45,523
Life, you know,
it's like a quick cup of coffee.
1263
01:16:45,687 --> 01:16:48,406
You haven't got the guts
to love someone with all you got...
1264
01:16:48,567 --> 01:16:51,127
...then you end up drinking alone.
- No. No, Uncle Wayne...
1265
01:16:51,287 --> 01:16:53,676
- Sorry, kid. Party's over.
- Aah!
1266
01:16:54,167 --> 01:16:56,362
Ladies, let's take it away.
- Whoa.
1267
01:16:56,527 --> 01:17:00,202
No! No! I can change! I swear!
1268
01:17:00,367 --> 01:17:03,439
No! No!
1269
01:17:03,607 --> 01:17:07,361
I can change! I swear!
I can change! Aah!
1270
01:17:12,367 --> 01:17:14,278
I'm alive.
1271
01:17:20,567 --> 01:17:22,398
I'm alive!
1272
01:17:22,847 --> 01:17:26,237
You there, young man. What day is it?
1273
01:17:26,407 --> 01:17:27,442
Is it Christmas?
1274
01:17:27,967 --> 01:17:31,323
No, it's Saturday, you moron.
1275
01:17:31,807 --> 01:17:34,002
That's the day of my brother's wedding.
1276
01:17:34,167 --> 01:17:36,886
All right, I haven't missed it, thank God.
1277
01:17:37,047 --> 01:17:42,963
Let's get ready for nuptials!
1278
01:17:45,807 --> 01:17:48,640
Hey, hey, Paulie. Hey. Hey.
1279
01:17:49,407 --> 01:17:52,479
- Did I miss the wedding?
- No. You got your wish.
1280
01:17:52,647 --> 01:17:54,797
- Sandra called it off.
- What?
1281
01:17:54,967 --> 01:17:56,685
- Why?
- Why do you think?
1282
01:17:56,847 --> 01:17:58,758
- The thing I let slip about Donna?
Yeah.
1283
01:17:58,927 --> 01:18:01,839
No, no, no. You can't split up.
1284
01:18:02,007 --> 01:18:04,396
You are meant
to spend the rest of your lives together.
1285
01:18:04,567 --> 01:18:08,526
- You're gonna be miserable without her.
- You can be a real sarcastic prick.
1286
01:18:08,687 --> 01:18:12,077
I am not being sarcastic, okay?
Where's Sandra?
1287
01:18:12,247 --> 01:18:15,842
Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids
to the airport. It's over.
1288
01:18:16,007 --> 01:18:17,281
No.
1289
01:18:17,447 --> 01:18:19,438
No, no, no.
1290
01:18:22,487 --> 01:18:23,920
Whoa.
1291
01:18:34,887 --> 01:18:36,002
Sandra!
1292
01:19:00,087 --> 01:19:01,122
What are you doing?
1293
01:19:07,807 --> 01:19:10,640
Whoo! Whoo!
1294
01:19:13,047 --> 01:19:14,924
Aah! No seat belts!
1295
01:19:20,007 --> 01:19:21,520
Sandra!
1296
01:19:22,447 --> 01:19:24,005
Hey!
1297
01:19:24,167 --> 01:19:27,125
Sandra, you're making a huge mistake!
1298
01:19:28,207 --> 01:19:29,356
Was that Connor?
1299
01:19:30,967 --> 01:19:33,481
Sandra!
1300
01:19:35,167 --> 01:19:36,156
Come on.
1301
01:19:37,127 --> 01:19:38,116
Oh, shit.
1302
01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:48,482
- Dad, stop!
- Aah!
1303
01:19:49,167 --> 01:19:50,964
Sarge, stop.
1304
01:19:51,127 --> 01:19:53,357
Is that Connor?
- You could have killed us back there.
1305
01:19:53,527 --> 01:19:55,677
Sandra, lock the door. Get away.
- Sandra.
1306
01:19:56,127 --> 01:19:59,722
- Sarge, I need to talk to your daughter.
- Over my dead body, Paco.
1307
01:20:00,167 --> 01:20:02,123
All right? Relax.
1308
01:20:03,407 --> 01:20:04,522
Oh, my God.
1309
01:20:04,687 --> 01:20:08,077
- I'm sorry, sir. I've come too far. Sandra.
- Sandra, stay in the car.
1310
01:20:08,567 --> 01:20:09,920
Did he just lock us...?
1311
01:20:10,087 --> 01:20:12,203
- Don't you touch me.
- Now, you listen to me.
1312
01:20:12,607 --> 01:20:14,484
Okay, first off:
1313
01:20:14,847 --> 01:20:17,520
I am sorry about destroying
your wedding cake...
1314
01:20:17,687 --> 01:20:19,279
...going to second base
with your mother...
1315
01:20:19,447 --> 01:20:21,517
...knocking your dad unconscious
right there...
1316
01:20:22,327 --> 01:20:24,557
...and basically
breaking up your wedding.
1317
01:20:24,727 --> 01:20:28,402
I'm sorry.
That being said, I am begging you...
1318
01:20:28,567 --> 01:20:31,127
...begging you, don't run away, all right?
1319
01:20:31,287 --> 01:20:34,916
You and Paul have something so rare,
all right, so powerful.
1320
01:20:35,087 --> 01:20:37,601
- Don't chicken out now.
- Chicken out? He cheated.
1321
01:20:37,767 --> 01:20:39,086
Oh, get over it.
1322
01:20:39,247 --> 01:20:42,876
It was years ago, all right?
With some slutty friend of yours.
1323
01:20:43,047 --> 01:20:44,480
Yeah, well, that's true.
1324
01:20:44,647 --> 01:20:47,161
A friend, incidentally,
who you're not even mad at.
1325
01:20:47,327 --> 01:20:50,444
And you know why?
Because you don't actually care.
1326
01:20:50,607 --> 01:20:53,804
You love Paul so much,
you forgave him the second you heard.
1327
01:20:53,967 --> 01:20:55,195
And that's what scares you.
1328
01:20:55,367 --> 01:20:57,403
You have no idea how I feel.
You have no idea.
1329
01:20:57,567 --> 01:21:01,116
Yes, I do. I've been in your shoes.
1330
01:21:01,607 --> 01:21:03,723
You know what?
It scared the hell out of me too.
1331
01:21:04,887 --> 01:21:08,562
What if she hurt me?
You know, what if she left me?
1332
01:21:08,727 --> 01:21:10,763
What if she died?
1333
01:21:11,207 --> 01:21:12,640
It'd have been the end of me.
1334
01:21:12,807 --> 01:21:17,517
So I cut it short, before she ever could.
And you know what?
1335
01:21:17,687 --> 01:21:21,316
It was the biggest mistake
I have ever made.
1336
01:21:21,487 --> 01:21:23,159
You're making that same mistake now...
1337
01:21:23,327 --> 01:21:25,682
...and I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit by and watch.
1338
01:21:25,847 --> 01:21:28,520
You gotta risk love, Sandra. Risk it.
1339
01:21:28,687 --> 01:21:35,399
I didn't. Look at me.
I'm an empty, lonely, ghost of a man.
1340
01:21:36,047 --> 01:21:39,403
It doesn't mean
that you're never gonna get hurt.
1341
01:21:39,807 --> 01:21:42,037
But I can guarantee you this:
1342
01:21:42,207 --> 01:21:43,879
Any pain that you feel...
1343
01:21:44,327 --> 01:21:49,037
...will never, ever compare to the regret
that comes from walking away from love.
1344
01:21:50,007 --> 01:21:53,044
As someone who's felt a lot of both,
trust me.
1345
01:21:53,207 --> 01:21:54,526
Pain...
1346
01:21:55,927 --> 01:22:00,239
...beats regret every day of the week,
and twice on Sunday.
1347
01:22:01,327 --> 01:22:03,045
Don't run away.
1348
01:22:03,207 --> 01:22:05,038
Don't do it.
1349
01:22:08,967 --> 01:22:11,276
I can't believe I'm saying this...
1350
01:22:12,367 --> 01:22:14,483
...but, uh, I think you might be right.
1351
01:22:16,087 --> 01:22:17,406
So...
1352
01:22:18,887 --> 01:22:20,206
...you wanna get married?
1353
01:22:22,527 --> 01:22:24,563
- I do.
You do?
1354
01:22:24,727 --> 01:22:26,718
- Yeah, I do.
You do?
1355
01:22:27,447 --> 01:22:28,766
Yes.
1356
01:22:28,927 --> 01:22:30,201
- Yes.
Okay.
1357
01:22:32,527 --> 01:22:34,324
Whoo!
1358
01:22:41,367 --> 01:22:43,278
Oh, baby.
1359
01:22:45,647 --> 01:22:49,560
Flowers, check. Cake, check.
Dinner, check.
1360
01:22:49,727 --> 01:22:53,640
- Photographer?
- Ooh, I know a pretty good photographer.
1361
01:23:12,127 --> 01:23:13,446
Shall we begin?
1362
01:23:13,607 --> 01:23:16,997
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are here to witness the union...
1363
01:23:17,167 --> 01:23:21,080
...of Sandra Marie Volcom
and Paul Mead.
1364
01:23:21,847 --> 01:23:23,758
At them.
1365
01:23:30,607 --> 01:23:34,759
It was cold and dark.
We'd been taking fire for hours.
1366
01:23:35,207 --> 01:23:37,357
We took an incoming mortar hit.
1367
01:23:37,527 --> 01:23:40,599
I opened up his jacket
and his insides fell out...
1368
01:23:40,767 --> 01:23:43,565
...and I had his bloody guts in my hand.
1369
01:23:44,047 --> 01:23:46,800
They were warm and mushy and squishy.
1370
01:23:47,767 --> 01:23:50,156
And I pushed them right back
into his body cavity...
1371
01:23:50,327 --> 01:23:53,364
...and willed him to live with my tears.
1372
01:23:53,527 --> 01:23:56,121
And that is what true love is.
1373
01:23:56,407 --> 01:23:57,726
Hua!
1374
01:24:01,207 --> 01:24:02,640
I've heard that story a hundred times.
1375
01:24:05,167 --> 01:24:06,600
Um...
1376
01:24:06,967 --> 01:24:11,404
I guess now's as good a time as any
for me to make my best man's toast.
1377
01:24:11,567 --> 01:24:16,561
I've never given one of these before,
so, uh, bear with me.
1378
01:24:16,727 --> 01:24:19,560
Someone once told me...
1379
01:24:19,727 --> 01:24:23,720
...that the power in all relationships
lies with whoever cares less.
1380
01:24:24,247 --> 01:24:25,999
And he was right.
1381
01:24:26,167 --> 01:24:28,283
But power isn't happiness.
1382
01:24:28,447 --> 01:24:29,846
And...
1383
01:24:30,007 --> 01:24:32,282
...I think that maybe happiness comes...
1384
01:24:32,447 --> 01:24:37,680
...from caring more about people,
rather than less.
1385
01:24:37,847 --> 01:24:42,921
And nobody proves that better
than my kid brother, Paulie.
1386
01:24:43,087 --> 01:24:47,285
Buddy, you give love to everyone...
1387
01:24:47,447 --> 01:24:49,677
...and you require none in return.
1388
01:24:50,207 --> 01:24:55,327
From this day on,
I wanna be more like you.
1389
01:24:56,047 --> 01:24:58,322
I want you to be proud of me again.
1390
01:24:58,807 --> 01:25:00,240
Yeah.
1391
01:25:02,407 --> 01:25:04,363
And here's to my new sister.
1392
01:25:05,087 --> 01:25:08,443
You know, Sandra, all I can really say...
1393
01:25:08,607 --> 01:25:12,077
...all that I know for sure...
1394
01:25:13,087 --> 01:25:14,918
...is that Mom and Dad...
1395
01:25:16,407 --> 01:25:18,318
...they would've loved you.
1396
01:25:18,807 --> 01:25:21,446
And I'm glad you're part of our family.
1397
01:25:22,167 --> 01:25:24,601
- Here's to Paul and Sandra, right here.
- Yeah, to Paul and Sandra.
1398
01:25:36,727 --> 01:25:38,877
Look here. Look right here.
1399
01:25:39,047 --> 01:25:40,560
Okay. And how old are you?
1400
01:25:42,207 --> 01:25:44,323
Who's in the middle? Look over here.
1401
01:25:44,487 --> 01:25:47,206
All right. Go dance, drink eggnog.
1402
01:25:47,367 --> 01:25:49,278
- Hey, sexy cameraman.
- Hey, ladies.
1403
01:25:49,447 --> 01:25:52,245
- Connor, we're really worried about you.
- Need we remind you...
1404
01:25:52,407 --> 01:25:55,922
...as man-whore in residence, you have
certain duties to the single ladies here?
1405
01:25:56,087 --> 01:25:59,875
That is very tempting, ladies, it is.
1406
01:26:00,847 --> 01:26:02,758
- But, uh, I'm out.
- No.
1407
01:26:03,167 --> 01:26:05,476
Ladies, thank you, but no thank you.
Hmm?
1408
01:26:05,647 --> 01:26:09,401
Hey, hard-to-get only works
if you eventually give in.
1409
01:26:10,167 --> 01:26:11,680
One more time.
1410
01:26:11,847 --> 01:26:14,645
- Hey.
Good night.
1411
01:26:37,967 --> 01:26:41,323
Hey.
- Congratulations.
1412
01:26:41,487 --> 01:26:44,365
You did it.
You pulled off a great wedding.
1413
01:26:44,887 --> 01:26:46,639
We pulled off a great wedding.
1414
01:26:47,087 --> 01:26:50,284
Of course, if I wouldn't have broken it,
it wouldn't have needed fixing.
1415
01:26:50,447 --> 01:26:52,915
True, true, true.
- Ha, ha.
1416
01:26:54,687 --> 01:26:57,042
- Okay, I have to know.
- Mm.
1417
01:26:58,247 --> 01:27:00,203
What happened to you last night?
1418
01:27:00,367 --> 01:27:04,042
Because yesterday, you were just
your usual handsome, awful self.
1419
01:27:04,207 --> 01:27:07,119
But then today,
you became the guy I used to know.
1420
01:27:07,887 --> 01:27:12,722
The one I always thought, deep down,
you actually were.
1421
01:27:12,887 --> 01:27:16,243
I honestly don't know
what the hell happened to me last night.
1422
01:27:16,407 --> 01:27:21,037
I don't. But I do know that
I'm seeing things more clearly today...
1423
01:27:21,207 --> 01:27:23,357
...than any time that I can remember.
1424
01:27:23,527 --> 01:27:25,358
Like the way I feel about you.
1425
01:27:27,447 --> 01:27:29,802
That's something
that has never changed.
1426
01:27:32,647 --> 01:27:34,683
I wish I could believe you.
1427
01:27:36,087 --> 01:27:38,647
We've just been through this before...
1428
01:27:40,207 --> 01:27:44,564
...so how do I know it's not just another
line from the Mead-family playbook?
1429
01:27:45,407 --> 01:27:46,806
Hmm.
1430
01:27:58,807 --> 01:28:00,559
You remember her?
1431
01:28:05,807 --> 01:28:07,479
You kept it.
1432
01:28:08,847 --> 01:28:10,439
Yeah.
1433
01:28:10,967 --> 01:28:13,800
I've had that on me
since the day I took it.
1434
01:28:15,207 --> 01:28:16,686
I can't believe it.
1435
01:28:18,167 --> 01:28:20,317
Give me one more chance.
1436
01:28:20,487 --> 01:28:22,478
I'll do better.
1437
01:28:22,967 --> 01:28:27,199
Whatever it takes.
The wooing, the spooning, I am all in.
1438
01:28:28,247 --> 01:28:29,839
Even massages with our clothes on?
1439
01:28:31,247 --> 01:28:32,999
No. No, that's where I draw the line.
1440
01:28:33,167 --> 01:28:34,964
- Well?
- No massages with clothes on.
1441
01:28:35,127 --> 01:28:37,038
Not a chance.
1442
01:28:37,527 --> 01:28:39,802
I promise you this:
1443
01:28:40,207 --> 01:28:42,243
When you wake up in the morning...
1444
01:28:44,607 --> 01:28:46,086
...I'll be there.
1445
01:28:46,807 --> 01:28:48,479
Every time.
1446
01:29:11,767 --> 01:29:13,280
What?
1447
01:29:13,567 --> 01:29:15,080
What is it?
1448
01:29:15,607 --> 01:29:16,642
Ha, ha. Nothing.
1449
01:29:18,887 --> 01:29:20,559
I just recognize this song.
1450
01:29:22,327 --> 01:29:24,079
Oh, yeah.
1451
01:29:25,887 --> 01:29:28,799
- May I have this dance?
- Finally.
1452
01:29:28,967 --> 01:29:32,277
- Pete Hastings, eat your heart out.
- Ha, ha.
1453
01:29:35,207 --> 01:29:37,801
That's how it's done, Dutch.
1454
01:29:37,967 --> 01:29:40,322
That's how it's done.
1455
01:29:41,527 --> 01:29:46,203
Well, work's over. What do you say,
doll? Let's get naked.
1456
01:29:47,287 --> 01:29:48,879
Mm.
1457
01:29:49,047 --> 01:29:52,119
Dry. I love it.
1458
01:29:52,887 --> 01:29:55,447
You know, I'm interviewing
for a new secretary.
1459
01:29:55,607 --> 01:29:58,485
- Mm?
- How good is your dictation?
1460
01:29:58,647 --> 01:30:00,877
You get it? "Dick-tation"?
1461
01:30:01,047 --> 01:30:05,359
Please, I'm actually at this party.
1462
01:30:17,967 --> 01:30:19,525
Hi.
1463
01:30:27,247 --> 01:30:30,080
Looks like it's just you and me, sweetie.
1464
01:30:30,807 --> 01:30:33,799
Oh, I love those scrunchies.
1465
01:30:34,647 --> 01:30:36,478
Ew, ha, ha.
1466
01:30:36,647 --> 01:30:38,638
I'm, like, 16.
1467
01:30:38,807 --> 01:30:42,800
We're ghosts, baby. We're ageless.
1468
01:30:59,687 --> 01:31:03,680
Okay, Connor Mead's out. Who's next?
1469
01:31:03,847 --> 01:31:05,360
Paul's desperate work friends?
1470
01:31:06,327 --> 01:31:08,557
- Yeah. I'm back to you.
- I think I'm loosening up.
1471
01:31:09,207 --> 01:31:11,243
- Let's do this thing.
- Yeah, all right.
1472
01:31:11,407 --> 01:31:13,477
- Okay, I get the little one.
- You can have him.
1473
01:31:13,647 --> 01:31:17,117
- Okay.
- I said, I get the little one.
1474
01:31:17,287 --> 01:31:19,118
- Hey.
- Hey.
1475
01:31:19,287 --> 01:31:21,118
- You're so cute.
- You look just like my sister.
1476
01:31:21,287 --> 01:31:23,005
Why would I...?
1477
01:31:24,727 --> 01:31:26,319
Mind if I cut in?
1478
01:31:35,767 --> 01:31:38,327
You know, it makes me happy.
1479
01:31:41,447 --> 01:31:43,597
You did a wonderful job with her, Von.
1480
01:31:43,767 --> 01:31:46,327
So did you, Mervis.
1481
01:31:48,447 --> 01:31:51,917
You repeat that name to anyone,
you're a dead man.
1482
01:31:59,447 --> 01:32:01,677
- Sandy, right here.
- No, no.
1483
01:32:09,727 --> 01:32:11,319
Kako.
1484
01:32:15,927 --> 01:32:17,838
Yes.