1 00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:35,102 Good morning, my little chicks and cocks. 2 00:00:35,223 --> 00:00:37,062 Malcolm, monitoring. . . All the usual. 3 00:00:37,183 --> 00:00:39,461 How did your team do at the weekend? 4 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:42,181 - All right, yeah, we won. - Wanker. 5 00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:45,181 Sam, morning. How are you? 6 00:00:45,303 --> 00:00:48,381 Well, pop-pickers, what disc shall we start with today? 7 00:00:49,423 --> 00:00:51,821 Wonky Ron or how about Simon Foster? 8 00:00:51,942 --> 00:00:54,861 On the Eddie Mair PM programme on the BBC. 9 00:00:54,982 --> 00:00:57,540 Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, 10 00:00:57,661 --> 00:00:59,860 the Minister for International Development. 11 00:00:59,982 --> 00:01:01,861 You've been in the job for 1 8 months. 12 00:01:01,982 --> 00:01:03,821 Do you think you're making headway? 13 00:01:03,942 --> 00:01:05,741 Yes, I do. 14 00:01:05,862 --> 00:01:08,461 You'd expect me to say that, I suppose. 15 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:11,020 Mark. 16 00:01:11,141 --> 00:01:13,700 You're co-ordinating the Millennium Goals press release? 17 00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:15,540 Co-ordinate it better, please. 18 00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:17,500 ls that the minister? 19 00:01:17,621 --> 00:01:18,860 OK. 20 00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:22,820 Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview? 21 00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:24,780 No, not yet. 22 00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:27,940 - Perhaps he didn't hear it. - Or maybe he's dead. 23 00:01:28,061 --> 00:01:29,539 He might be dead! 24 00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:32,899 He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for. 25 00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:35,139 lt's been in the fucking post. 26 00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:39,139 Preventable sickness in many of the poorest countries around the world. 27 00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:41,379 And of course, the big one is diarrhoea... 28 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,179 Ah, diarrhoea. This is the Minister for lnternational Development. 29 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,298 He should be talking about food parcels, 30 00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:49,579 not fucking arse-spraying mayhem. 31 00:01:49,699 --> 00:01:52,858 So if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then we can. . . 32 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:55,218 Oh, say it again. Yes, very good. 33 00:01:55,339 --> 00:01:57,258 What is this, the shitting forecast? 34 00:01:57,379 --> 00:01:59,258 ..hopefully that will strike another blow 35 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,218 in the war against preventable diseases. 36 00:02:01,339 --> 00:02:03,138 MAIR.. You mentioned the word "war". - Steady, Eddie. 37 00:02:03,259 --> 00:02:05,018 Against preventable diseases. 38 00:02:05,138 --> 00:02:07,378 All the evidence now points to 39 00:02:07,498 --> 00:02:10,698 a US military intervention in the Middle East. 40 00:02:10,819 --> 00:02:12,697 Is that your view? 41 00:02:12,818 --> 00:02:16,297 . Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable. 42 00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:17,858 Sam. Sam ! 43 00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:19,497 .. Unforeseeable? Yes. 44 00:02:19,618 --> 00:02:22,337 No, you do not think that! 45 00:02:22,458 --> 00:02:24,457 Sam, l'm going to have to go 46 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:28,057 to lnternational Development to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair. 47 00:02:28,177 --> 00:02:30,017 He did not say "unforeseeable". 48 00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:32,976 You may have heard him say that, but he did not say that. 49 00:02:33,098 --> 00:02:34,496 And that is a fact. 50 00:02:34,617 --> 00:02:36,456 Now, he's gonna want you to row back 51 00:02:36,577 --> 00:02:39,296 on that "unforeseeable" thing on Question Time tonight. 52 00:02:39,417 --> 00:02:43,296 On Question Time, you know the funny question they always have at the end? 53 00:02:43,417 --> 00:02:44,617 Yes. 54 00:02:44,737 --> 00:02:46,576 l think we should prep that now. 55 00:02:46,697 --> 00:02:48,896 Cos l'd like to shine on the funny question. 56 00:02:49,016 --> 00:02:51,176 l'm a funny guy, with a light touch. 57 00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:54,456 There's this guy, he's a property tycoon. He bought a South Sea island. 58 00:02:54,577 --> 00:02:57,576 lt might be something like that. lf you had to spend the rest of your life 59 00:02:57,696 --> 00:03:00,055 on a desert island with someone, who would it be with? 60 00:03:00,176 --> 00:03:02,696 Well. . . l can't say my wife cos l haven't got one. 61 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:06,255 l can't say my girlfriend, because l haven't got one of those either. 62 00:03:06,376 --> 00:03:10,015 - And don't say Mandela. That's... - No, no, boring. And a bloke. 63 00:03:10,136 --> 00:03:11,535 Or Keira Knightley. 64 00:03:11,656 --> 00:03:13,655 That's a good idea. 65 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:16,295 Pervert. Sex. Minister. People don't want to know. 66 00:03:16,416 --> 00:03:17,855 l don't think so. 67 00:03:17,975 --> 00:03:20,014 Did you take the washing out of the machine? 68 00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:21,814 - No. - What do you mean "no"? 69 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,054 No, l didn't take the washing out of the machine. 70 00:03:24,175 --> 00:03:26,334 - lt's gonna go really stale. . . - lt'll be fine. 71 00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:28,654 - lt's not fine. - lt's fine. l'll wear stale pants. 72 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,974 l don't want to go out with someone in stale pants. 73 00:03:31,095 --> 00:03:33,054 Well, there we go. l could go commando. 74 00:03:33,175 --> 00:03:35,534 But l don't think that's accepted in government. 75 00:03:35,655 --> 00:03:38,014 Have you got everything you need for your first day? 76 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,974 Oh, yes, all in here. My massive intellect 77 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,294 and an apple for Simon Foster. 78 00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:44,254 Simon "Fluster", don't you mean? 79 00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:46,493 Don't call him that. l'm rebranding him. 80 00:03:46,614 --> 00:03:48,934 He was absolutely crap on the radio last night. 81 00:03:49,055 --> 00:03:51,133 He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up its arse. 82 00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:53,013 You give me a week, l'll have him sounding 83 00:03:53,134 --> 00:03:54,973 like a chicken without a wasp up its arse. 84 00:03:55,094 --> 00:03:57,693 Good luck at the Foreign Office. Try not to annoy Russia. 85 00:03:57,814 --> 00:03:59,613 - See you later. - See you later. 86 00:03:59,734 --> 00:04:02,013 l'll give you a call later. Keep your phone on. 87 00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:04,732 - Be careful. Cars. - Oh, really? Thanks for that. 88 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,812 Helpful. . . 89 00:04:08,134 --> 00:04:10,372 OK, OK, go ahead and print "unforeseeable". 90 00:04:10,493 --> 00:04:12,093 Listen, assume l tell your wife 91 00:04:12,213 --> 00:04:14,732 about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, 92 00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:17,252 what would be best, an e-mail, a phone call or what? 93 00:04:17,373 --> 00:04:20,092 l could write it on a cake! With those little silver balls. 94 00:04:20,213 --> 00:04:22,852 "Your hack husband betrayed you on October 4th. . . 95 00:04:22,973 --> 00:04:24,932 and congratulations on the new baby." 96 00:04:25,053 --> 00:04:27,292 Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it, yeah. 97 00:04:27,413 --> 00:04:29,252 OK, fuckity bye. 98 00:04:29,373 --> 00:04:31,491 Did you put away the lasagne? 99 00:04:31,612 --> 00:04:33,531 Yes, of course, it's in the fridge. 100 00:04:33,652 --> 00:04:35,812 lt's got Clingfilm on it and everything. 101 00:04:35,932 --> 00:04:37,732 Why did you put Clingfilm on it? 102 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:40,772 Because that keeps it fresh. That's the point of Clingfilm. 103 00:04:40,892 --> 00:04:42,531 No, l don't want to hold. 104 00:04:42,652 --> 00:04:43,651 lt might dry out. 105 00:04:43,772 --> 00:04:44,890 That's an amateur mistake. 106 00:04:45,012 --> 00:04:48,411 l'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change? 107 00:04:48,532 --> 00:04:49,690 lt's not carcinogenic. 108 00:04:49,812 --> 00:04:51,610 What, Simon Foster? 109 00:04:51,732 --> 00:04:53,530 Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer. 110 00:04:53,652 --> 00:04:55,450 Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. l like that. 111 00:04:55,572 --> 00:04:57,410 - Aluminium foil. . . - Apropos of that. . . 112 00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,371 . .gives you AlDS, or, you know, lasagne gives you syphilis. 113 00:05:00,491 --> 00:05:02,970 - lt's not a thing. - No, you relax! 114 00:05:03,091 --> 00:05:04,570 God, who's that? 115 00:05:04,691 --> 00:05:06,530 Get me fucking Brian! 116 00:05:06,651 --> 00:05:09,570 If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'm gonna come over there. 117 00:05:09,691 --> 00:05:11,730 l'm gonna lock you in a fucking flotation tank 118 00:05:11,851 --> 00:05:14,050 and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown. 119 00:05:14,171 --> 00:05:17,050 - Paris Hilton. - Are you serious? 120 00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:18,610 - Lily Allen. - No, no women. 121 00:05:20,371 --> 00:05:22,170 - Yeah? - The Olsen twins. 122 00:05:22,290 --> 00:05:24,729 - Thank you. - Who's that? 123 00:05:24,850 --> 00:05:28,089 - Malcolm. He's coming to see you. - Oh, shit, he's still alive. 124 00:05:28,210 --> 00:05:30,329 - When's he due? Now! 125 00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:33,129 And don't say you weren't prepared, because l rang ahead. 126 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,489 Give us a minute, could you, please, love? 127 00:05:35,610 --> 00:05:39,329 ln the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, 128 00:05:39,450 --> 00:05:41,769 unforeseeable, that's what you are. 129 00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:43,849 Who's that geezer? 130 00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:47,288 Oh, l know who he is. 131 00:05:47,410 --> 00:05:49,648 You're Dan, right? 132 00:05:49,769 --> 00:05:52,008 - Daniel? The new adviser? - Toby. 133 00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:54,048 Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing. 134 00:05:54,169 --> 00:05:57,008 You guys are often called "Dan" so it's worth a punt. 135 00:05:57,129 --> 00:05:58,848 l'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy. 136 00:05:58,968 --> 00:06:01,648 Director of Communications for lnternational Development. 137 00:06:01,769 --> 00:06:02,848 ls this a normal morning? 138 00:06:02,968 --> 00:06:04,928 The minister was rubbish on last night's interview. . . 139 00:06:05,048 --> 00:06:07,207 - He was rubbish? - Yes. Rubbish. 140 00:06:07,328 --> 00:06:10,807 Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for. . . for a personal opinion. 141 00:06:10,928 --> 00:06:14,087 Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. 142 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:17,367 lf he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PlN number 143 00:06:17,488 --> 00:06:19,526 or to shit yourself, would you have done that? 144 00:06:19,648 --> 00:06:22,167 Blacked up, yes. lt was radio, nobody would've known. 145 00:06:22,287 --> 00:06:23,447 Very good. 146 00:06:23,568 --> 00:06:25,927 War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it? 147 00:06:26,048 --> 00:06:29,087 That is not our line. Walk the fucking line. 148 00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:32,206 We've got Karen Clark over from Washington today. 149 00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:34,646 We've got enough fucking Pentagon goons here 150 00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:36,206 to stage a fucking coup d'état. 151 00:06:36,327 --> 00:06:38,486 - Minister. Not the time, love. 152 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,446 - l'm busy. Fuck off. - This is Toby. 153 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,766 Toby, hi. l'm glad you could make it. lt's a bit of an odd morning here. 154 00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:46,366 Welcome to the madhouse. l apologise for Malcolm. 155 00:06:46,487 --> 00:06:49,086 Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself. 156 00:06:49,207 --> 00:06:51,925 Did l not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here? 157 00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:53,845 lt's true, l am, yes, still here. 158 00:06:53,966 --> 00:06:55,445 Hi, foetus boy, 159 00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:58,085 lesson one, l tell you to fuck off, what do you do? 160 00:06:58,206 --> 00:07:00,045 Eff off? 161 00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:02,005 You'll go far. 162 00:07:02,126 --> 00:07:04,005 - Now, fuck off. - Right. 163 00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:08,884 Judy and l were thinking that l could row back on Question Time tonight. 164 00:07:09,006 --> 00:07:11,325 You're not on Question Time. You've been disinvited. 165 00:07:11,446 --> 00:07:15,005 - We've been prepping Question Time. - Why wasn't l told about this? 166 00:07:15,125 --> 00:07:18,164 Why the fuck would l tell you about it? l told you to fuck off twice. 167 00:07:18,285 --> 00:07:21,924 lt's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state 168 00:07:22,046 --> 00:07:23,924 so it falls well within my purview. 169 00:07:24,045 --> 00:07:25,524 - Within your purview? - Yes. 170 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:29,084 Where do you think you are, some fucking Regency costume drama? 171 00:07:29,204 --> 00:07:32,684 This is a government department, not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel. 172 00:07:32,805 --> 00:07:35,604 Malcolm. . . - Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet 173 00:07:35,725 --> 00:07:38,803 on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock. 174 00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:40,763 Your swearing does not impress me. 175 00:07:40,884 --> 00:07:43,564 My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, 176 00:07:43,684 --> 00:07:46,283 those kids make you sound like. . . Angela Lansbury. 177 00:07:46,404 --> 00:07:48,043 She's married? Poor bastard. 178 00:07:48,164 --> 00:07:52,443 Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock aside for a second, 179 00:07:52,564 --> 00:07:56,163 are you saying l'm now no longer allowed to make media appearances? 180 00:07:56,284 --> 00:07:59,002 Correct. Not until we can trust you to keep the line. 181 00:07:59,123 --> 00:08:01,643 l was going to keep to the line. l was going to say, 182 00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:04,082 l don't think war is unforeseeable. . . 183 00:08:04,203 --> 00:08:07,002 - What is it, then? - l dunno. Foreseeable? No. 184 00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:09,882 No! Not foreseeable. That's fucking declaring war. 185 00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:11,842 Do you want to fucking declare war? 186 00:08:11,963 --> 00:08:14,882 l'm a Cabinet minister. l didn't get here by screwing up 187 00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:17,162 every media appearance l ever had. 188 00:08:17,283 --> 00:08:20,162 Write this down. lt's neither foreseeable nor unforeseeable. 189 00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:23,042 Right, so not inevitable, but not. . . 190 00:08:23,163 --> 00:08:25,161 You'd better walk on this fucking line. 191 00:08:25,282 --> 00:08:26,681 . .evitable. 192 00:08:26,802 --> 00:08:30,441 You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister 193 00:08:30,562 --> 00:08:33,681 with another surprise question about the war, l'll drop a bomb on them. 194 00:08:33,802 --> 00:08:35,641 l can't do that, can l? That's political. 195 00:08:35,762 --> 00:08:38,841 Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? 196 00:08:38,962 --> 00:08:41,521 Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford 197 00:08:41,642 --> 00:08:44,880 and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. 198 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:48,600 Let them eat cock! Hey, you ! Ron Weasley, you do it. 199 00:08:50,362 --> 00:08:52,681 No, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians, 200 00:08:52,801 --> 00:08:54,640 they're just happy to be there. 201 00:08:54,761 --> 00:08:58,120 Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited. 202 00:08:58,241 --> 00:09:00,920 Shall l just give Toby a call about this Simon Foster thing? 203 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,279 Yes, good idea. No, l'm not talking to you. 204 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,359 Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires. 205 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,079 Yes, well stop him playing football. 206 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,200 Hello. 207 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,280 So, how's it going? Found the bogs? 208 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,239 lt's a bit. . .manic. 209 00:09:14,361 --> 00:09:18,439 Never like this at Agriculture. People tend not to get so sweary about wheat. 210 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,199 Sorry, Michael, do you mind just turning it down a bit? 211 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,719 - Just a little bit. . .grating. Bloody music. 212 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,439 Listen, l've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually. 213 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:31,918 Yeah. l think we can get Simon Foster into the three o'clock with Karen Clark. 214 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,679 Karen Clark? 215 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,038 Was she the woman who went round Britain in a coracle for leukaemia? 216 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:40,118 No, Toby. Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of State. 217 00:09:40,239 --> 00:09:42,998 Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great. 218 00:09:43,119 --> 00:09:45,678 - Michael wants to say something. - Meat. 219 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:47,277 Meet? 220 00:09:47,399 --> 00:09:51,438 His man is only going to be meat in the room. No talking. He's just padding. 221 00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:54,358 The Americans don't feel like they're getting a proper meeting 222 00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:56,917 unless there's 30 people on each side, 223 00:09:57,038 --> 00:09:59,157 so he's basically like bulk in the room. 224 00:09:59,278 --> 00:10:01,837 He's not exactly going to be relevant, but he'll be present. 225 00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:03,597 l won't tell him that, to be honest. 226 00:10:03,718 --> 00:10:06,917 - OK, l've got to go, darling. l love you. - OK, yes, likewise. 227 00:10:07,038 --> 00:10:08,637 Affirmative on that one. 228 00:10:08,758 --> 00:10:10,957 All right, darling, take care, bye. 229 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,356 Can l turn it back up now? 230 00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:16,277 You're on sexual health, aren't you? That's ironic. 231 00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,237 Right, Toby, quick tour. 232 00:10:18,358 --> 00:10:20,876 - l should probably just go and. . . - This is Mike. 233 00:10:20,998 --> 00:10:23,676 Just leave it to Mike, cos he knows what he's doing. 234 00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:25,636 - Don't you, Mike? - What? 235 00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:28,116 Exactly. He's an idiot. 236 00:10:28,237 --> 00:10:31,796 Listen, l understand your hostility at new wood being brought in. 237 00:10:31,917 --> 00:10:34,036 Sorry, that's the end of the tour, l'm afraid. 238 00:10:34,157 --> 00:10:38,116 There is really a lot of very important people that you ought to know about, 239 00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,075 but l have to. . . 240 00:10:44,837 --> 00:10:46,636 - Toby, hi. - All right, boss. 241 00:10:46,756 --> 00:10:49,075 l'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm. 242 00:10:49,196 --> 00:10:51,595 - He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he? - Yes. 243 00:10:51,716 --> 00:10:53,514 Listen, 244 00:10:53,636 --> 00:10:55,434 l was just um. . . 245 00:10:55,556 --> 00:10:57,354 - Don't sit on Anna's desk. - Sorry. 246 00:10:57,476 --> 00:11:03,154 l have managed to get you into the big Foreign Office meeting this afternoon. 247 00:11:03,275 --> 00:11:05,794 The Karen Clark meeting? Really? Shit. 248 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,394 How did you do that? 249 00:11:07,515 --> 00:11:09,994 l did it through sheer bloody hard work. 250 00:11:10,115 --> 00:11:11,754 - Judy? - Yeah? 251 00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:16,074 Tobes here has got me into the big Karen Clark meeting this afternoon. 252 00:11:16,195 --> 00:11:17,474 Oh ! 253 00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:19,433 The big "meat". 254 00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:22,313 lmpressive, eh? How are you spelling that, by the way? 255 00:11:22,435 --> 00:11:24,233 Two "E"s. 256 00:11:24,355 --> 00:11:25,513 Oh, right. 257 00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:27,433 Just one thing. 258 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:31,713 Talkingwise, you might find once we get in there, that the bulk of it. . . 259 00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,833 - Can we just wait for Judy? - Of course. 260 00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:35,913 Simon. 261 00:11:36,034 --> 00:11:37,073 Michael, hi. 262 00:11:37,194 --> 00:11:38,993 Hello. Welcome. 263 00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,753 - Michael? - Yes. 264 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:44,313 l'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe formation for the meeting set-up. 265 00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:47,753 An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave for the Pentagon delegation. 266 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,912 And, politely, we request the presence 267 00:11:50,033 --> 00:11:52,433 of both carbonated and non-carbonated waters. 268 00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,233 Right. 269 00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,593 - ls that all? - Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much. 270 00:11:56,714 --> 00:11:59,632 Not at all. Wow, who was that? Young Lankenstein? 271 00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:03,392 He's probably running something relatively major. 272 00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:05,352 They're all kids in Washington. 273 00:12:05,473 --> 00:12:08,312 lt's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns. 274 00:12:12,353 --> 00:12:14,112 Thank you all for coming today 275 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,752 to the lnterim Anglo-American Resources Forum. 276 00:12:16,873 --> 00:12:18,631 l'd particularly like to welcome. . . 277 00:12:18,752 --> 00:12:20,671 What's your view like? 278 00:12:20,792 --> 00:12:23,231 - Well, it's pretty basic. - OK, can we swap? 279 00:12:23,352 --> 00:12:26,231 l don't want a consensus forming around the premise 280 00:12:26,352 --> 00:12:30,951 that military action is necessarily the primary option at this point. 281 00:12:31,072 --> 00:12:35,111 This paper which was authored by one of my aides, Liza Weld. . . 282 00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:38,150 Liza, l hope you don't mind if l foreground this paper. 283 00:12:38,272 --> 00:12:40,591 lt's not strictly my paper. 284 00:12:40,711 --> 00:12:43,830 ln the sense that you were the one who put in the requests. . . 285 00:12:43,951 --> 00:12:47,270 Miss Weld is very, very modest, but this is her paper. 286 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:50,190 And she's highlighted several reasons 287 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:54,310 why we cannot envision a theatre deployment for at least 1 2 months. 288 00:12:54,431 --> 00:12:57,830 Should l say something? She invited me. l should say something. 289 00:12:57,950 --> 00:13:00,070 lf you don't say something in the first ten minutes, 290 00:13:00,191 --> 00:13:02,149 then you might as well not say anything at all. 291 00:13:02,271 --> 00:13:04,229 l really think you shouldn't say anything. 292 00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:07,630 - No, l should say something. - No, Simon, don't, just don't. . . 293 00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,389 Don't pull my hand down. 294 00:13:09,510 --> 00:13:12,269 The committee feels a quicker deployment is possible. 295 00:13:12,390 --> 00:13:13,589 Ah, which committee? 296 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,949 lt was discussed in a number of committees. 297 00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:18,309 - lf l mentioned one committee. . . - You did. 298 00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:20,229 . .then it was a slip of the tongue. 299 00:13:20,350 --> 00:13:23,909 What, because you've accidentally alluded to a secret committee, 300 00:13:24,029 --> 00:13:25,508 a war committee? 301 00:13:25,629 --> 00:13:29,188 lf l may intercept. l understand we are rather pressed for time. 302 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,148 Liza, do you know if Linton has set up a secret war committee? 303 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,388 - No. l have no idea. - Get me on it. 304 00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:37,667 l think it's worth noting that ministers in the UK government, 305 00:13:37,789 --> 00:13:40,908 such as our colleague here, Simon Foster, 306 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:45,667 have made it very clear that they feel currently war is unforeseeable. 307 00:13:45,788 --> 00:13:48,427 lsn't that right, Simon? 308 00:13:49,468 --> 00:13:51,267 Er. . .well, yes. 309 00:13:51,388 --> 00:13:53,667 That's. . . That's what l said. 310 00:13:53,788 --> 00:13:56,187 And l stick to what l said. 311 00:13:58,548 --> 00:14:03,586 That doesn't mean that what l said won't change. . . in the future. 312 00:14:03,708 --> 00:14:05,506 Um. . . it's not immutable 313 00:14:05,628 --> 00:14:07,466 or mutable. 314 00:14:07,587 --> 00:14:09,467 lt's. . . lt's. . . lt's. . . 315 00:14:09,588 --> 00:14:11,426 lt's a developing. . . 316 00:14:11,547 --> 00:14:13,867 l think there are areas of mutual discussion 317 00:14:13,988 --> 00:14:17,906 that we could come onto now, and then maybe if there's time left at the end. . . 318 00:14:18,027 --> 00:14:21,026 Judy, can you just pass that on? ls that fine? 319 00:14:21,147 --> 00:14:23,946 Yes, that's all fine, thank you. 320 00:14:25,946 --> 00:14:30,386 Right, come here. We need to talk. What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?" 321 00:14:30,506 --> 00:14:32,346 ln what way was l being a tit? 322 00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,225 Why am l even over here? 323 00:14:34,346 --> 00:14:36,545 You were just meat in the room, Simon. 324 00:14:36,666 --> 00:14:38,505 - Yeah. . . - Meat in the room? 325 00:14:38,626 --> 00:14:40,425 Yeah. 326 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,825 For fuck's sake, Judy, l've taken an hour out to come over here 327 00:14:43,946 --> 00:14:45,545 and be room meat. 328 00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,505 Yes, but. . . but a prime cut, 329 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,065 you know, not offal. 330 00:14:49,186 --> 00:14:51,064 Oh, great. l'm not liver. 331 00:14:51,185 --> 00:14:53,025 What was l , tit meat? 332 00:14:53,145 --> 00:14:54,985 Well, no, l just. . . 333 00:14:55,106 --> 00:14:58,304 Come on. Let's get back. 334 00:14:58,426 --> 00:15:00,224 - Hey, Liza. - Hey. 335 00:15:00,346 --> 00:15:03,624 l just want to say congratulations. Your paper got a major citation. 336 00:15:03,745 --> 00:15:06,224 You must be psyched that Karen brought it up. 337 00:15:06,345 --> 00:15:09,224 Yeah, well, that was, you know, her call. Not mine. 338 00:15:09,345 --> 00:15:10,464 You couldn't write a paper 339 00:15:10,585 --> 00:15:13,663 that clashes more violently with the current climate if you were trying. 340 00:15:13,785 --> 00:15:15,424 lt seems like you almost were trying. 341 00:15:15,545 --> 00:15:18,623 - l wasn't trying ! Believe me. - You're like the woman in The Omen. 342 00:15:18,744 --> 00:15:21,184 You've given birth to a demon and now it's gonna kill you. 343 00:15:21,305 --> 00:15:23,944 You probably identify with the kid from The Omen. 344 00:15:24,065 --> 00:15:26,383 See, you're an only child, aren't you? 345 00:15:26,504 --> 00:15:28,303 l don't understand how my parents' 346 00:15:28,424 --> 00:15:31,263 limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me. 347 00:15:31,384 --> 00:15:33,343 l'm the sperm that made it, so. . . 348 00:15:33,464 --> 00:15:35,423 - Liza. - l'm being called by our boss. 349 00:15:35,544 --> 00:15:38,343 - OK, retreat. See you later. - Yeah, have fun with yourself. 350 00:15:38,464 --> 00:15:40,503 Have fun with your career kryptonite. 351 00:15:41,464 --> 00:15:44,182 What's going on down there? That looks important. 352 00:15:44,303 --> 00:15:46,423 My teeth are killing me. Are they chipped? 353 00:15:46,543 --> 00:15:48,862 l think that one has always been there, right? 354 00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:51,422 lt was a chip on the veneer. 355 00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:54,742 - Don't look at my teeth for a long time. - l'm sorry. l'm sorry. 356 00:15:54,863 --> 00:15:56,822 - lt just surprised me. Liza! 357 00:15:56,943 --> 00:15:57,981 Toby. 358 00:15:58,102 --> 00:16:00,222 Toby! Hi. 359 00:16:00,343 --> 00:16:02,182 - Hi. - Give me a call ! 360 00:16:02,303 --> 00:16:04,701 - Yeah. - OK. 361 00:16:04,822 --> 00:16:08,381 Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. 362 00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:11,301 - l had a little thing for her at the time. - l can imagine, yeah. 363 00:16:11,422 --> 00:16:13,421 Don't think she remembered me, to be honest. 364 00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:15,781 That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol. 365 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:20,061 Linton has set up a secret war committee. l just know it. 366 00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:23,220 l mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. 367 00:16:23,341 --> 00:16:24,700 - He is dangerous. - lt's not good. 368 00:16:24,822 --> 00:16:27,141 The voices in his head now sing barbershop together. 369 00:16:28,782 --> 00:16:31,941 l really, really hope there isn't a war, it's going to be a nightmare. 370 00:16:32,061 --> 00:16:34,620 lt's bad enough having to cope with the fucking Olympics. 371 00:16:34,741 --> 00:16:36,940 - Minister? - Just a quick word, sir? 372 00:16:37,061 --> 00:16:39,780 This is your chance to nail the line. Do you want to nail the line? 373 00:16:39,901 --> 00:16:42,220 No, l'll freestyle it. Hello, there. Hi. 374 00:16:42,341 --> 00:16:44,260 So is war unforeseeable, Minister? 375 00:16:44,381 --> 00:16:48,660 Look, all sorts of things, that are actually very likely 376 00:16:48,781 --> 00:16:50,779 are also unforeseeable. 377 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:56,299 For the plane in the fog, the mountain is un. . . unforeseeable, 378 00:16:56,420 --> 00:17:00,459 but then it is suddenly very real and inevitable. 379 00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:03,779 ls this your opinion or is this the government position? 380 00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,379 The mountain in the metaphor is 381 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,659 a completely hypothetical mountain that could represent anything. 382 00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,938 So, who is the plane, and who is the mountain? 383 00:17:11,059 --> 00:17:13,538 - ls the government lost in the fog? - What l'm saying is. . . 384 00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:15,578 that to walk the road of peace. . . 385 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:21,258 sometimes we need to be ready to climb. . .the mountain of conflict. 386 00:17:21,379 --> 00:17:23,018 Thank you so much. 387 00:17:23,139 --> 00:17:26,458 Thank you. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. 388 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:30,178 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why didn't we nail the line? 389 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,138 Simon, l did try to warn you. 390 00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:35,138 Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you? 391 00:17:35,259 --> 00:17:36,977 l can't tackle you to the ground. 392 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:40,417 That's like shouting "Train !" at somebody as they get hit by a train. 393 00:17:40,538 --> 00:17:42,817 You should go "Train ! There's a fucking train !" 394 00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:44,617 - Bollocks! 395 00:17:44,738 --> 00:17:47,257 - Fuck, it's Malcolm. - lt's Malcolm for me, too. 396 00:17:47,378 --> 00:17:49,217 How does he do that? 397 00:17:49,338 --> 00:17:53,257 Simon, l don't like finding out about people employed by this government 398 00:17:53,378 --> 00:17:55,496 via the news, unless they've just died. 399 00:17:55,618 --> 00:17:56,777 Be here, now. 400 00:17:56,897 --> 00:17:58,697 The British Government must be prepared 401 00:17:58,817 --> 00:18:00,217 to climb the mountain of conflict. 402 00:18:00,337 --> 00:18:02,656 It's unclear if his view is shared by the Prime Minister. 403 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,456 Maybe we should get it out there. 404 00:18:04,577 --> 00:18:07,656 Float the idea that the war is a resigning issue for you. 405 00:18:07,777 --> 00:18:10,816 You can't say it's a resigning issue, because then you have to resign. 406 00:18:10,937 --> 00:18:13,856 You're having a really great first day, you know that? 407 00:18:13,977 --> 00:18:16,576 You are supposed to be a Cabinet minister! 408 00:18:16,697 --> 00:18:19,416 You are supposed to be Officer Class! 409 00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:22,336 Don't do this, don't make fucking waves. 410 00:18:22,457 --> 00:18:24,656 We can do without the ritual humiliation. 411 00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:26,535 You know l'm against talking up the war. 412 00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:28,096 You're against talking up the war? 413 00:18:28,216 --> 00:18:30,735 ls that why you said "climb the mountain of conflict"? 414 00:18:30,857 --> 00:18:32,295 Do you know what you sounded like? 415 00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:34,615 A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews. 416 00:18:34,736 --> 00:18:39,934 l'm just saying l might be forced to the verge of making a stand. 417 00:18:40,055 --> 00:18:42,015 A stand? 418 00:18:43,935 --> 00:18:46,534 Right, The White Stripes, outside. 419 00:18:46,655 --> 00:18:48,415 Uh-uh. 420 00:18:49,376 --> 00:18:51,894 There's only two people in The White Stripes. 421 00:18:57,455 --> 00:18:59,374 l um. . . 422 00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:02,814 l admire you. 423 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:05,694 l really do, l admire you. 424 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:07,694 Making a stand. 425 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:12,453 So, l take it, l can tell the PM that you. . . you don't want to go to Washington? 426 00:19:12,574 --> 00:19:14,693 - To where? - To Washington. 427 00:19:14,814 --> 00:19:17,293 See, the PM, he wants you. . . Well, he wanted you 428 00:19:17,414 --> 00:19:19,293 to go on a fact-finder, you know. 429 00:19:19,414 --> 00:19:23,133 Problems we might have to face if it all goes boombastic in the Middle East. 430 00:19:23,253 --> 00:19:24,893 Oh, right. 431 00:19:25,014 --> 00:19:28,013 But, you know, that's you, you're on the verge, aren't you? 432 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,493 You're on the verge of your stand, so. . . 433 00:19:30,614 --> 00:19:32,253 Well, Malcolm, come on, 434 00:19:32,373 --> 00:19:35,293 l don't know what words l used in the heat of the moment. 435 00:19:35,414 --> 00:19:38,652 Maybe in a sense, yeah, l am on the verge, but that's the important thing. 436 00:19:38,773 --> 00:19:42,212 l'm on the verge. l'm not in any way decided. 437 00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:44,892 Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse. 438 00:19:45,013 --> 00:19:47,772 No, l'm standing my ground, on the verge. 439 00:19:47,893 --> 00:19:50,052 Right, OK, well, when you go to America, 440 00:19:50,173 --> 00:19:52,412 talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah? 441 00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:55,452 - Right, OK. l'll give it a whirl. - Keep away from Linton Barwick. 442 00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:57,411 He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. 443 00:19:57,533 --> 00:20:01,051 l'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. 444 00:20:01,172 --> 00:20:02,811 That's a true story. 445 00:20:02,932 --> 00:20:05,051 Wow, l won't talk to him. 446 00:20:05,172 --> 00:20:08,451 Talk to as few people as possible, that would be best for you. 447 00:20:09,252 --> 00:20:13,371 OK, Liza, the priorities are shower, get me on Linton's war committee 448 00:20:13,492 --> 00:20:16,731 and get me to a dentist, not necessarily in that order. 449 00:20:16,852 --> 00:20:18,530 Shower later. 450 00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:20,850 What has Linton been up to while we've been gone? 451 00:20:20,972 --> 00:20:22,970 Have we declared war on California yet? 452 00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:24,650 Ah, Karen. 453 00:20:24,771 --> 00:20:27,530 - How was London? Good meetings? - Very good meetings. 454 00:20:27,651 --> 00:20:30,810 You know we had some great discussions there, l think our. . . 455 00:20:30,931 --> 00:20:34,050 Thank you very much, and l will read your words when they come through. 456 00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:36,010 Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob. 457 00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:38,090 You won't read the words, Linton. 458 00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,009 ls Chad coming? Chad? 459 00:20:41,131 --> 00:20:44,209 No, he's probably doing his desperate chorus girl thing, 460 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:48,569 hanging around Linton's office, trying to catch an eye, you know. 461 00:20:48,690 --> 00:20:51,769 That's why he's wearing his push-up bra today. Have you noticed? 462 00:20:51,890 --> 00:20:54,609 - Assistant Secretary of State, hi. - Brad, how are you? 463 00:20:54,729 --> 00:20:56,368 - Chad. - Yep, yep, yep, exactly. 464 00:20:56,490 --> 00:20:59,289 - Can l . . .? - Yep, you betcha, OK. 465 00:21:00,170 --> 00:21:02,008 Hey, listen, the war committee. 466 00:21:02,129 --> 00:21:03,968 What you have to do is you've got to look for 467 00:21:04,089 --> 00:21:07,289 the ten dullest-named committees happening out of the executive branch. 468 00:21:07,409 --> 00:21:10,928 Because Linton is not going to call it the "Big Horrible War Committee". 469 00:21:11,049 --> 00:21:14,128 He's gonna hide it behind a name like "Diverse Strategy". 470 00:21:14,249 --> 00:21:17,048 Something so dull you're just gonna want to self-harm. 471 00:21:17,169 --> 00:21:20,088 Get me General Miller at the Pentagon, please. 472 00:21:20,209 --> 00:21:22,167 My teeth hurt. 473 00:21:22,288 --> 00:21:24,367 My teeth hurt like hell. 474 00:21:24,928 --> 00:21:27,488 l'm sick of hearing about the teeth, frankly. 475 00:21:28,689 --> 00:21:31,407 Hi, yeah. l'm checking the status on a paper 476 00:21:31,528 --> 00:21:33,207 that was circulated by a staffer here. 477 00:21:33,328 --> 00:21:34,807 lt's called. . . 478 00:21:34,928 --> 00:21:39,127 "Post War Planning. Parameters, lmplications and Possibilities". 479 00:21:39,248 --> 00:21:43,447 This is the one by. . . this is the one by Liza Weld, right? 480 00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,567 "PWlP PlP"? 481 00:21:45,688 --> 00:21:47,607 Oh, God, it already has an acronym. 482 00:21:47,728 --> 00:21:50,207 You know another acronym? DOA. . . 483 00:21:50,327 --> 00:21:52,567 Your career. 484 00:21:52,688 --> 00:21:58,487 My golly, l can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? 485 00:21:58,607 --> 00:22:02,366 Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts. 486 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,286 l could request the glass be frosted. 487 00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:06,166 Frosting is on cakes, huh? 488 00:22:06,287 --> 00:22:09,126 Now, what else happened in London? 489 00:22:09,247 --> 00:22:11,606 Ah, generally positive, two glitches. . . 490 00:22:11,727 --> 00:22:13,205 Really, what? 491 00:22:13,326 --> 00:22:15,766 Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. 492 00:22:15,887 --> 00:22:20,605 She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. lt's called PWlP PlP. 493 00:22:20,726 --> 00:22:22,965 - PWlP what? - PWlP PlP. 494 00:22:23,086 --> 00:22:25,965 What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for? 495 00:22:26,086 --> 00:22:29,445 l can't recall. lt's factish. lntel for and against intervention. 496 00:22:29,566 --> 00:22:33,365 We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. 497 00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:35,524 ln the land of truth, my friend. . . 498 00:22:36,525 --> 00:22:38,604 . .the man with one fact is the king. 499 00:22:38,725 --> 00:22:41,484 You said there was something else, what is that? 500 00:22:41,605 --> 00:22:43,684 ln the meeting with the Foreign Office, 501 00:22:43,805 --> 00:22:46,924 the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to. 502 00:22:47,045 --> 00:22:48,604 Which committee? 503 00:22:48,725 --> 00:22:50,804 The. . . The war committee, sir. 504 00:22:50,925 --> 00:22:53,844 All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? 505 00:22:53,965 --> 00:22:57,404 She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. 506 00:22:57,525 --> 00:23:00,004 Get a hold of those minutes. l have to correct the record. 507 00:23:00,124 --> 00:23:02,163 - We can do that? - Yes, we can. 508 00:23:02,284 --> 00:23:04,403 Those minutes are an aide-mémoire for us. 509 00:23:04,524 --> 00:23:09,083 They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, 510 00:23:09,204 --> 00:23:13,003 but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. 511 00:23:13,124 --> 00:23:15,923 l think that's the more accurate version, don't you? 512 00:23:16,044 --> 00:23:17,563 - Sir. - Right. 513 00:23:17,684 --> 00:23:20,122 l don't like this section, let's cut that. 514 00:23:20,243 --> 00:23:22,042 Aye aye, sir. 515 00:23:22,163 --> 00:23:23,483 Let's reverse this. 516 00:23:23,604 --> 00:23:25,442 That was something Karen said, sir. 517 00:23:25,564 --> 00:23:27,642 Well, it's not right, so let's change it. 518 00:23:27,764 --> 00:23:30,442 - Aye, aye, sir. - And. . . And l like. . . l like this. 519 00:23:30,563 --> 00:23:32,162 Ah, thank you, sir. 520 00:23:32,284 --> 00:23:34,682 Yeah, let's say everyone agreed with that, huh? 521 00:23:34,803 --> 00:23:38,962 So. . . So the car will pick you up from the airport. 522 00:23:39,083 --> 00:23:41,242 lt's supposed to be quite a good one, l believe. 523 00:23:41,362 --> 00:23:44,121 The Americans are doing that. l've just got the contact numbers. 524 00:23:44,242 --> 00:23:46,201 What's she so fucking happy about? 525 00:23:46,322 --> 00:23:48,201 She's probably just on a personal call. 526 00:23:50,243 --> 00:23:52,401 Why has she got control of the blinds? 527 00:23:52,522 --> 00:23:53,522 l think it's. . . 528 00:23:53,642 --> 00:23:58,161 l'm a government minister and l don't have control of my own blinds. 529 00:23:58,282 --> 00:24:02,321 l could order you some blinds. l could order you some nice, heavy curtains, 530 00:24:02,442 --> 00:24:04,561 with swags and a pelmet maybe. 531 00:24:04,681 --> 00:24:07,160 Yes, do that. 532 00:24:07,281 --> 00:24:09,041 OK. 533 00:24:10,002 --> 00:24:11,921 Will you come with me? 534 00:24:18,961 --> 00:24:23,000 So, listen. . .my team for the US, Team Simon. . . 535 00:24:23,121 --> 00:24:26,640 l'm thinking of taking you and leaving Judy. 536 00:24:27,641 --> 00:24:29,200 l could work with that, definitely. 537 00:24:29,321 --> 00:24:30,920 Plus, she can be a bit, you know. . . 538 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,479 "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?" Like that. 539 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,320 Yeah, it's true. No, she can be, 540 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,439 "Oh, so you're the President and l'm supposed to be impressed by that?" 541 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,439 "My husband works in Tower Hamlets. Meh, meh, meh." 542 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,799 "Which is much harder than being President." 543 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,479 Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it, she's staying here. Go and tell her. 544 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,119 What? 545 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,358 : Well, that moves us on to any other business. 546 00:24:53,479 --> 00:24:56,879 l think l've flagged everything that l need to discuss, as l usually do. 547 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,838 Everything you're preparedto discuss. 548 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,358 What is that? What are you doing? 549 00:25:00,479 --> 00:25:04,038 l understand you've started a new committee, Linton. What is that called? 550 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,518 What makes you think that? 551 00:25:05,639 --> 00:25:07,758 lt was mentioned at our meeting in London. 552 00:25:07,879 --> 00:25:09,158 Well, you must have misheard me. 553 00:25:09,279 --> 00:25:11,518 No. l misheard the word "committee"? 554 00:25:11,639 --> 00:25:13,517 Maybe it was another word. 555 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:15,437 Like, say, Khomeini. 556 00:25:15,558 --> 00:25:18,798 - You're sitting on a new Khomeini? - Possibly. There are a lot of words. 557 00:25:18,919 --> 00:25:20,878 Kansas City. Kitty. 558 00:25:20,999 --> 00:25:22,597 - ltty. - "ltty?" 559 00:25:22,718 --> 00:25:23,957 "ltty" is not a word, Bob. 560 00:25:24,078 --> 00:25:26,597 - Commissary. - Thank you, James. . . 561 00:25:26,718 --> 00:25:28,917 Why don't you just recap for me, at the moment, 562 00:25:29,038 --> 00:25:31,277 all the committees that you're currently sitting on? 563 00:25:31,398 --> 00:25:35,277 l'm sorry, Karen, but you. . . you appear to be bleeding from the teeth. 564 00:25:36,238 --> 00:25:37,997 Let me see that. Holy Mother of. . . 565 00:25:38,118 --> 00:25:40,516 Well, don't try to change the subject. 566 00:25:40,638 --> 00:25:43,316 l'm sorry, everyone. l'm sorry. Just ignore the blood. 567 00:25:43,437 --> 00:25:46,556 - We haven't finished the meeting. - l can't ignore. . . l'm sorry. 568 00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:48,956 l don't mean to be rude, but this is a tad repulsive. 569 00:25:49,077 --> 00:25:52,396 l'm sorry. Excuse me. Liza, come with me, l need you. 570 00:25:52,517 --> 00:25:53,516 Chad, stay here. 571 00:25:53,637 --> 00:25:56,236 Go, Buffy, you belong to the vampire queen now. 572 00:25:56,357 --> 00:25:58,156 - Liza. - l'm coming. 573 00:25:58,277 --> 00:26:01,036 Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone. 574 00:26:01,157 --> 00:26:03,476 l cannot stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. 575 00:26:03,596 --> 00:26:07,675 lt reminds me of country and western music, which l cannot abide. Huh? 576 00:26:07,797 --> 00:26:10,555 That stuff is just choking the airwaves. 577 00:26:10,677 --> 00:26:12,915 - Look, sorry, we just need. . . - Oh, my God ! 578 00:26:13,036 --> 00:26:16,115 - lt's really bad. lt's really bad. - l can't touch anything. . . 579 00:26:16,236 --> 00:26:18,795 - Nobody was joking. - lt's. . . l need to catch it. 580 00:26:18,915 --> 00:26:20,795 How far are you with the committees? 581 00:26:20,916 --> 00:26:22,555 l've got it down to two, actually. 582 00:26:22,676 --> 00:26:25,355 One is the "Aims and Policy Alignment Committee". 583 00:26:25,476 --> 00:26:27,554 The other is the "Future Planning Committee". 584 00:26:27,676 --> 00:26:29,995 lt's not the first one, because l set that up. 585 00:26:30,116 --> 00:26:33,314 Does it really sound dull to you? l thought it was a good name. 586 00:26:33,436 --> 00:26:36,354 Right, no. . . it is a good name. 587 00:26:36,475 --> 00:26:39,834 Well, find out if it really is the. . . "Future Planning Committee". 588 00:26:39,955 --> 00:26:41,994 Find out if it really is that. 589 00:26:42,115 --> 00:26:45,673 Um. . .OK, well, l might go and do that. 590 00:26:45,794 --> 00:26:48,474 You're not going to shout at me if l go and do that, are you? 591 00:26:48,595 --> 00:26:50,473 l'm not a monster, Liza. OK? 592 00:26:50,594 --> 00:26:53,673 Will you stop implying that l'm some kind of monster? 593 00:26:55,915 --> 00:26:57,673 Bob! 594 00:26:57,794 --> 00:26:59,593 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 595 00:26:59,714 --> 00:27:03,433 l wanted to tell you we're having this stupid 596 00:27:03,554 --> 00:27:06,833 "hunk of the month of the office" kind of contest. 597 00:27:06,954 --> 00:27:10,713 And l just didn't want, you know, you to feel objectified in any way, 598 00:27:10,834 --> 00:27:12,992 - or anything like that. - No, not at all. 599 00:27:13,113 --> 00:27:15,793 And Karen knows about the Future Planning Committee. 600 00:27:17,874 --> 00:27:19,913 l have no idea what you're talking about. 601 00:27:20,033 --> 00:27:22,032 - No? - No. 602 00:27:22,153 --> 00:27:23,913 Excuse me. 603 00:27:26,833 --> 00:27:29,672 Future Planning Committee, that's what it is. 604 00:27:35,472 --> 00:27:37,352 Wow! 605 00:27:37,473 --> 00:27:39,311 This is fucking cool. 606 00:27:39,432 --> 00:27:42,231 Don't be callow, Toby, we're on official business. 607 00:27:42,352 --> 00:27:44,791 - This way, gentlemen. - Oh, thanks. 608 00:27:47,312 --> 00:27:49,671 That was a little bit fucking cool. 609 00:27:49,792 --> 00:27:51,111 Yep. 610 00:27:51,232 --> 00:27:53,711 - Did you book a car? - Me? No. 611 00:27:53,831 --> 00:27:56,430 Well, Judy will have booked a car. 612 00:27:56,552 --> 00:27:57,751 Judy? 613 00:27:57,872 --> 00:28:00,071 - Hi. - For fuck's sake! 614 00:28:00,192 --> 00:28:01,991 l was wondering what the car situation is? 615 00:28:02,111 --> 00:28:04,990 lt's Robbie's job to book it and your job to check it. 616 00:28:05,111 --> 00:28:08,550 There's obviously. . . some snarl-up at her end, l think. 617 00:28:08,671 --> 00:28:10,630 - "Simon Forester." - Oh. 618 00:28:11,951 --> 00:28:13,430 Thank you very much. 619 00:28:13,551 --> 00:28:16,350 "England Government, Simon Forester." 620 00:28:16,471 --> 00:28:18,670 My name's Simon Foster, it's British Government. 621 00:28:22,510 --> 00:28:25,190 Hey, Gav, l'm in a fucking motorcade. 622 00:28:25,311 --> 00:28:26,670 Yeah. 623 00:28:27,470 --> 00:28:30,150 l feel like we should have hookers, do you know what l mean? 624 00:28:30,271 --> 00:28:32,229 l mean in here. . . now. 625 00:28:39,590 --> 00:28:43,628 - Do you want girls? - No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. 626 00:28:43,749 --> 00:28:46,508 No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. 627 00:28:47,790 --> 00:28:51,628 l hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you. 628 00:28:53,190 --> 00:28:54,948 Strange hotel. 629 00:28:55,069 --> 00:28:58,388 lt's like a hangar for businessmen, isn't it? 630 00:28:59,349 --> 00:29:01,147 - That's better, isn't it? - lt's big, yeah. 631 00:29:01,269 --> 00:29:03,228 Just bring them here, that's fine. 632 00:29:06,228 --> 00:29:08,788 Tobes, have you got any m. . . 633 00:29:09,828 --> 00:29:13,147 Well, l haven't been to an ATM, so l've not. . . l've only got English. 634 00:29:13,268 --> 00:29:15,347 l mean, l don't suppose English money is. . . 635 00:29:15,468 --> 00:29:17,347 This and this, sorry that's. . . 636 00:29:17,468 --> 00:29:19,427 lt's usually a dollar a bag. 637 00:29:23,268 --> 00:29:25,067 Ooh, well, there's the Capitol, 638 00:29:25,188 --> 00:29:27,587 you can see there through that window and that tree. 639 00:29:27,708 --> 00:29:31,147 Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill view. 640 00:29:39,948 --> 00:29:40,866 Hi. 641 00:29:40,987 --> 00:29:42,946 Excuse me. 642 00:29:43,067 --> 00:29:44,506 Hello. How are you doing? 643 00:29:44,627 --> 00:29:46,946 Was it something l said? l haven't seen you in a month. 644 00:29:47,067 --> 00:29:49,226 l haven't felt that in years. Thank you. 645 00:29:49,347 --> 00:29:50,466 You're beautiful. 646 00:29:50,587 --> 00:29:53,466 Oh, thank you. l'm sure you say that to all the girls. 647 00:29:53,587 --> 00:29:56,745 Yes, l do. . . and some of the soldiers, too. 648 00:29:56,866 --> 00:29:59,426 That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions. 649 00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:02,185 Come on, don't believe that shit. l'm not gonna run for office. 650 00:30:02,307 --> 00:30:04,585 l'm just trying to do something different. 651 00:30:04,706 --> 00:30:06,345 lt's one of the reasons l like you. 652 00:30:06,466 --> 00:30:08,865 l know your passion about education and housing and. . . 653 00:30:08,986 --> 00:30:11,425 - Lingerie. Bestiality. - There you go. 654 00:30:11,546 --> 00:30:13,665 l'd forgotten about that. 655 00:30:13,786 --> 00:30:15,945 Are you still allergic to the dog? 656 00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:19,224 Yes, yes, l wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen 657 00:30:19,345 --> 00:30:21,104 and l look like a giant ball sac. 658 00:30:21,226 --> 00:30:22,824 Oh, my God. You know, 659 00:30:22,945 --> 00:30:25,824 they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. 660 00:30:25,945 --> 00:30:28,064 - Beautiful ball sac, though. - Thank you very much. 661 00:30:28,185 --> 00:30:30,344 - How's the Pentagon? - lt's kicked up a little. 662 00:30:30,465 --> 00:30:32,864 They're talking invasion reasonably seriously. 663 00:30:32,985 --> 00:30:35,104 ls there somewhere we can talk about this? 664 00:30:35,224 --> 00:30:37,064 - l don't know. - There must be. 665 00:30:37,185 --> 00:30:39,384 - l don't live here. - Follow me. 666 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:42,304 - Go that way. - Don't let people know we're leaving. 667 00:30:42,425 --> 00:30:45,344 This is good. Her daughter's not home, l talked to her. 668 00:30:45,465 --> 00:30:47,264 - ln here? - Yeah. 669 00:30:47,384 --> 00:30:51,103 Although, l don't know what we'll say if somebody comes in right now. 670 00:30:51,224 --> 00:30:53,503 No, l can't think of a good possible excuse, no. 671 00:30:53,624 --> 00:30:55,183 No, me neither, me neither. 672 00:30:55,304 --> 00:30:56,903 - What? - Come here. 673 00:30:57,024 --> 00:30:58,943 Just be careful, don't mess stuff up. 674 00:30:59,064 --> 00:31:02,382 - Oh, come on, it's toys. - Let's sit down. 675 00:31:02,504 --> 00:31:04,462 - So. . . - Yeah. 676 00:31:05,423 --> 00:31:07,102 Not enough troops. 677 00:31:07,223 --> 00:31:09,343 Total minimum European Theatre requirement. 678 00:31:09,464 --> 00:31:11,302 The Far East, Asia. 679 00:31:11,424 --> 00:31:13,822 - OK. That's how many we have? - Total there, yes. 680 00:31:13,943 --> 00:31:16,223 And then we have the contingency already deployed. 681 00:31:16,343 --> 00:31:18,222 OK, l don't. . . You've lost me. 682 00:31:18,343 --> 00:31:20,422 Hold on a minute. . . 683 00:31:20,543 --> 00:31:22,382 Oh, fuck this. 684 00:31:22,503 --> 00:31:24,061 What? 685 00:31:30,982 --> 00:31:32,542 # La la la, la la la la, la la la. 686 00:31:32,663 --> 00:31:33,701 Good. 687 00:31:33,822 --> 00:31:36,382 Your military hardware is impressive, General. 688 00:31:36,502 --> 00:31:38,461 Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't. 689 00:31:38,582 --> 00:31:41,221 - So, you add these together. 690 00:31:43,622 --> 00:31:47,741 So this is the number of combat troops available for an invasion, 691 00:31:47,862 --> 00:31:49,420 according to these figures. 692 00:31:50,541 --> 00:31:51,821 1 2! 693 00:31:51,941 --> 00:31:53,540 Thousand? 694 00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:55,460 No, 12. 12 troops. 695 00:31:55,582 --> 00:31:57,100 Oh, come on, you're shitting me? 696 00:31:57,222 --> 00:32:00,580 l am shitting you. 12,000 troops, 12,000 troops, 697 00:32:00,701 --> 00:32:04,460 but that's not enough. . . that's the amount that are going to die. 698 00:32:04,581 --> 00:32:07,180 And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really, 699 00:32:07,301 --> 00:32:09,020 or else it looks like you've lost. 700 00:32:10,140 --> 00:32:12,059 Bye, for now. 701 00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:14,860 You know what? l've got some Brits l have to meet tomorrow. 702 00:32:14,980 --> 00:32:16,540 A guy named Simon Foster. 703 00:32:16,661 --> 00:32:18,300 Who's Simon Foster? 704 00:32:18,420 --> 00:32:21,739 He's this guy that said publicly that war was unforeseeable. 705 00:32:21,860 --> 00:32:24,579 And l think he could be very useful on the war committee. 706 00:32:24,700 --> 00:32:27,259 He can internationalise the dissent, start to. 707 00:32:27,380 --> 00:32:30,299 You're going to use him as a little meat puppet? 708 00:32:43,619 --> 00:32:45,499 Tobes. . . hi. 709 00:32:45,620 --> 00:32:47,419 Hi. 710 00:32:47,539 --> 00:32:50,258 What are we gonna. . .do tonight? 711 00:32:51,259 --> 00:32:53,018 Gonna do tonight? 712 00:32:53,139 --> 00:32:56,858 Yes, what are we up to, my. . . my chief aide. . .? 713 00:32:56,979 --> 00:32:59,578 Well. . .yeah, l mean, l sort of thought tonight 714 00:32:59,699 --> 00:33:02,458 we'd probably be just a bit tired, really. 715 00:33:02,578 --> 00:33:07,018 No, l am tired. But l'm also a career politician, Toby, 716 00:33:07,138 --> 00:33:10,617 in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours, 717 00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:14,857 and l thought it might be nice to go out rather than just sitting in my room 718 00:33:14,978 --> 00:33:17,417 trying to spank one out over a shark documentary, 719 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,137 because l'm scared if l watch a porno 720 00:33:19,257 --> 00:33:22,497 it'll end up in the register of members' interests. So. . . 721 00:33:23,898 --> 00:33:25,657 What have you got. . .for us to do? 722 00:33:25,778 --> 00:33:28,496 Right, what have l got? Well, so far we've got. . . 723 00:33:29,817 --> 00:33:31,417 Well, there's a leaflet through the door 724 00:33:31,537 --> 00:33:34,816 for happy hour at the bar which might be interesting. 725 00:33:35,777 --> 00:33:37,936 Also l do have the number of a guy 726 00:33:38,057 --> 00:33:41,656 l was at uni with who works for CNN out here. 727 00:33:41,777 --> 00:33:43,736 - No. - No? 728 00:33:46,136 --> 00:33:48,536 - Where are you? - l'm waving at you. 729 00:33:48,656 --> 00:33:50,255 l don't see you, be more visible. 730 00:33:50,376 --> 00:33:53,975 l'm, like, practically on top of you, l'm coming to you, is what l'm going to do. 731 00:33:54,096 --> 00:33:56,215 You can stop talking on your cellphone now. 732 00:33:56,336 --> 00:33:57,975 Of course l can. 733 00:33:58,096 --> 00:34:00,615 Look, l have to leave. Phone Simon Foster's guy. 734 00:34:00,736 --> 00:34:02,655 Tell them, come to the war committee. 735 00:34:02,776 --> 00:34:05,334 l'll give them some face time tomorrow around ten o'clock. 736 00:34:05,455 --> 00:34:08,494 lt'll be coffee and Danish. Tea. They'll want tea. 737 00:34:08,615 --> 00:34:11,254 Tea and sympathy, tea and a hand job, whatever. 738 00:34:12,576 --> 00:34:15,774 ..great deal that is unknown about hammerhead sharks, 739 00:34:15,895 --> 00:34:17,174 such as their mating habits. 740 00:34:17,295 --> 00:34:19,575 You can definitely spot the female ones. 741 00:34:20,575 --> 00:34:21,734 Hello. 742 00:34:21,855 --> 00:34:24,894 Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight? 743 00:34:25,015 --> 00:34:27,774 Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic. Actually we're. . . 744 00:34:27,895 --> 00:34:29,814 Their courtship is a violent affair. 745 00:34:29,935 --> 00:34:33,213 The male will bite the female until she acquiesces. 746 00:34:33,334 --> 00:34:36,093 The war committee, that's a big thing, Liza. 747 00:34:36,214 --> 00:34:39,174 Yeah, well, l have been on committees before, 748 00:34:39,295 --> 00:34:42,813 the Challenges For The Cheese Market, that was one of the big ones. 749 00:34:42,934 --> 00:34:45,333 Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink. 750 00:34:45,454 --> 00:34:47,653 40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah. 751 00:34:47,774 --> 00:34:50,133 Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye. 752 00:34:52,414 --> 00:34:54,333 - Matty, how's CNN? - Great. 753 00:34:54,453 --> 00:34:56,092 l can't, mate, no. 754 00:34:56,213 --> 00:34:59,733 Liza Weld has got us onto the Future Planning Committee in the morning. 755 00:34:59,854 --> 00:35:02,252 The "war committee" to the likes of you and me. 756 00:35:02,373 --> 00:35:03,972 What are you talking about? 757 00:35:04,093 --> 00:35:07,292 The Future Planning Committee is Linton's war committee. 758 00:35:07,413 --> 00:35:10,652 Do you not work for CNN or is it the Cartoon News Network? 759 00:35:16,413 --> 00:35:18,812 Come in. l just wasn't expecting to see you here. 760 00:35:18,933 --> 00:35:21,372 Physically here. Obviously you're always in my heart. 761 00:35:21,492 --> 00:35:24,451 l'm here, l'm there, l'm fucking everywhere, l'm the egg man. 762 00:35:24,573 --> 00:35:26,811 Have you come to insult me in a different time zone? 763 00:35:26,932 --> 00:35:30,491 Yeah. No, sorry, l'm just off out for a drink with her just now. 764 00:35:30,612 --> 00:35:33,531 No. You're barking up the wrong cock there, my friend. 765 00:35:33,652 --> 00:35:36,291 Little Toby is staying very much in his hammock this evening. 766 00:35:36,412 --> 00:35:38,331 - Simon, l've got us on the. . . - Hiya. 767 00:35:38,451 --> 00:35:40,411 Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm. 768 00:35:40,531 --> 00:35:42,931 You're supposed to shit yourself in there, not out here. 769 00:35:43,052 --> 00:35:47,290 l've got us on Linton's Future Planning Committee for tomorrow morning. 770 00:35:47,411 --> 00:35:49,610 Brilliant. What is that? 771 00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:51,530 lt's the war committee. 772 00:35:51,651 --> 00:35:54,330 What? The actual war. . . the actual war committee? 773 00:35:54,451 --> 00:35:57,850 - Who's going to be there? - Karen Clark, Liza Weld, 774 00:35:57,971 --> 00:35:59,770 me and Simon. . . 775 00:35:59,891 --> 00:36:01,690 Simon and me. 776 00:36:01,811 --> 00:36:04,410 How about the rest of the committee, who are they going to be? 777 00:36:04,530 --> 00:36:06,810 Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow? lt's a diversion. 778 00:36:06,931 --> 00:36:09,489 The real committee, that's happening at the White House. 779 00:36:09,610 --> 00:36:11,929 l'll text you the details, because l'm going to go out 780 00:36:12,050 --> 00:36:14,490 for a drink with some State Department bods just now. 781 00:36:14,610 --> 00:36:17,569 Don't mention this to the press, OK? Don't mention it to anyone. 782 00:36:17,690 --> 00:36:20,409 lf the press get a whiff that there's a war committee 783 00:36:20,530 --> 00:36:22,649 even a cardboard one, every fucker in this town 784 00:36:22,770 --> 00:36:24,569 is gonna turn up and try and get on it. 785 00:36:24,690 --> 00:36:27,449 So no matter what gay bar you end up in, keep it shtoom. 786 00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:31,288 l was watching that. 787 00:36:31,409 --> 00:36:33,568 Yeah, well, l have to have a word with you. 788 00:36:33,690 --> 00:36:35,928 You might want to slip into your negligee. 789 00:36:42,009 --> 00:36:44,088 - You see this mosh pit? - Yeah. 790 00:36:44,209 --> 00:36:47,608 Well, they're mostly house staffers, senators' interns. 791 00:36:47,729 --> 00:36:50,928 Tonight they rage hard, but tomorrow they go back to the Hill 792 00:36:51,049 --> 00:36:54,007 and argue noise-reduction legislation. 793 00:36:56,248 --> 00:36:59,007 - ls this yours or mine? - l don't know, l've got three. 794 00:36:59,128 --> 00:37:01,047 So one of these has got to be yours. 795 00:37:01,168 --> 00:37:04,287 Those are like fluids that l've never. . . would you call wax a fluid? 796 00:37:04,408 --> 00:37:06,327 No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a. . . 797 00:37:06,448 --> 00:37:09,167 - lt's very intimate. - lt's an ooze. . . it's an ooze. 798 00:37:09,288 --> 00:37:11,247 Ooo. . .eugh ! 799 00:37:16,848 --> 00:37:19,487 Karen will want you to say "War is unforeseeable." 800 00:37:19,608 --> 00:37:23,286 And Linton will want you to talk up the "climbing the mountain of conflict" line. 801 00:37:23,407 --> 00:37:25,246 You say nothing, OK? 802 00:37:25,367 --> 00:37:28,926 You stay detached, otherwise that's what l will do to your retinas. 803 00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:30,885 Right. Can l go to bed now, please? 804 00:37:31,007 --> 00:37:32,965 No, no, no, no. We're going to stay here 805 00:37:33,086 --> 00:37:35,486 and you are going to rehearse saying nothing. 806 00:37:36,447 --> 00:37:38,325 Am l being tortured? 807 00:37:39,607 --> 00:37:41,245 You look worried. 808 00:37:41,366 --> 00:37:44,485 lt's the paper that l wrote for Karen. 809 00:37:44,606 --> 00:37:47,485 lt's called PWlP PlP, it's about war. 810 00:37:47,607 --> 00:37:50,685 The pros and cons, and l came up with too many cons. 811 00:37:50,806 --> 00:37:53,285 l'm, like, fucking worried because. . . 812 00:37:53,406 --> 00:37:56,565 this is, like, my career on the line. 813 00:37:57,525 --> 00:38:00,765 l thought you were worried, because you were looking worried. 814 00:38:00,886 --> 00:38:04,804 But you know, don't. . . l mean, don't. . . don't worry. 815 00:38:06,725 --> 00:38:08,524 - Thank you. - OK. 816 00:38:08,645 --> 00:38:10,604 - Sure. - Thank you. 817 00:38:12,085 --> 00:38:14,004 God damn it! 818 00:38:15,605 --> 00:38:18,524 Are you OK? - Yeah, l'm just taking off my shoes. 819 00:38:18,645 --> 00:38:20,524 Why is that? ls it a mosque? 820 00:38:20,645 --> 00:38:22,483 lt's just, like. . . 821 00:38:22,604 --> 00:38:24,403 ls it. . . ls it a bouncy castle? 822 00:38:32,524 --> 00:38:34,603 Can l just say, what happens in Washington, 823 00:38:34,724 --> 00:38:36,683 stays in Washington, yeah? 824 00:38:37,644 --> 00:38:41,883 Well, l live in Washington, so that doesn't, like, really work for me. 825 00:38:42,604 --> 00:38:43,923 Yeah? 826 00:38:59,363 --> 00:39:02,162 A number for a cab company in Washington DC, please. 827 00:39:03,602 --> 00:39:06,802 Just straight through, straight through. Hi, l need a cab. 828 00:39:07,923 --> 00:39:13,322 Well, l don't know. l'm outside number 1 427, moving on. . . 829 00:39:13,443 --> 00:39:15,922 l don't know, it's a nice street, it's quite leafy, 830 00:39:16,043 --> 00:39:18,001 federal houses. 831 00:39:23,562 --> 00:39:25,120 Marcel's is nice. 832 00:39:25,242 --> 00:39:26,841 l like their wraps. 833 00:39:26,962 --> 00:39:30,281 And you should go to La Taverna, the Greek place, that's fantastic. 834 00:39:30,402 --> 00:39:32,441 They do that thing where they set fire to the cheese. 835 00:39:32,561 --> 00:39:34,241 What's that called? lt's a lot of fun. 836 00:39:34,361 --> 00:39:36,560 Yes, it sounds fun. 837 00:39:39,841 --> 00:39:44,320 And, well, there's the Aerospace Museum and the National Gallery. 838 00:39:44,441 --> 00:39:46,400 Do they set fire to the pictures? 839 00:39:47,921 --> 00:39:49,840 Yeah. 840 00:39:51,961 --> 00:39:57,519 Hi, sorry l'm so late for the meeting. One or two issues getting here, but. . . 841 00:39:57,640 --> 00:39:59,599 - l'm Karen. - Hi. Toby. 842 00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:01,199 Pull an all-nighter? 843 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,679 - Well, l . . . l was led astray. - Oh. By who? 844 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,959 l . . . l just ran into some people from the MoD and. . . 845 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:13,839 Not Penny Grayling? 846 00:40:13,959 --> 00:40:15,598 No. 847 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:18,478 Another. . .gang. 848 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:21,358 Wow, l didn't realise we had so many delegations in town. 849 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,199 No, well. . ."The British are coming !" 850 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,438 So. . . 851 00:40:31,559 --> 00:40:34,998 Yeah, you know what? l have a lot of things to check on just now. 852 00:40:35,119 --> 00:40:38,478 So this would probably be a good place to break things up. 853 00:40:38,599 --> 00:40:39,757 No problem. 854 00:40:39,878 --> 00:40:40,957 Brilliant. 855 00:40:41,079 --> 00:40:42,637 Bye. 856 00:40:45,678 --> 00:40:47,757 l've brought your bag for you. 857 00:40:48,558 --> 00:40:49,877 Cheers, man. 858 00:40:49,999 --> 00:40:52,878 Tobes, l don't want to have to read you the riot act here, 859 00:40:52,998 --> 00:40:56,397 but l am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. 860 00:40:56,518 --> 00:41:01,276 Like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, 861 00:41:01,397 --> 00:41:05,997 and then burst in late smelling like a pissed seaside donkey. 862 00:41:06,958 --> 00:41:09,396 : "The British are coming." 863 00:41:09,517 --> 00:41:12,077 All right, l was late for the meeting. l am sorry, 864 00:41:12,198 --> 00:41:14,677 but it's not like l threw up in there, is it? 865 00:41:14,797 --> 00:41:16,756 No, you're right, l'm being unfair. 866 00:41:17,357 --> 00:41:20,236 l should be thanking you for not throwing up. 867 00:41:20,357 --> 00:41:23,796 Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? 868 00:41:23,917 --> 00:41:27,516 You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. 869 00:41:27,636 --> 00:41:30,316 You didn't pull your dick out and start plucking it 870 00:41:30,437 --> 00:41:32,756 and shouting, "Willy banjo." 871 00:41:32,876 --> 00:41:34,995 No, l'm being really unfair. 872 00:41:35,117 --> 00:41:38,956 You'd got so much right without actually being there 873 00:41:39,076 --> 00:41:42,635 for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. 874 00:41:43,596 --> 00:41:46,355 Thanks, you're a legend. 875 00:41:52,555 --> 00:41:56,154 That was just the beginning, do you think? Are we going back in there? 876 00:41:56,275 --> 00:41:57,834 l don't know, we barely said hello. 877 00:41:57,955 --> 00:41:59,674 l've had muggings that lasted longer. 878 00:41:59,796 --> 00:42:01,995 All we talked about was flammable cheese. 879 00:42:02,115 --> 00:42:06,154 What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back, 880 00:42:06,275 --> 00:42:08,114 and then we're still sitting here? 881 00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:12,074 lt's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies. 882 00:42:12,194 --> 00:42:13,794 What if the meeting hasn't finished? 883 00:42:13,915 --> 00:42:15,753 And she comes back and we've disappeared? 884 00:42:15,874 --> 00:42:17,634 Maybe l could call Judy? She could. . . 885 00:42:17,755 --> 00:42:21,194 Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? 886 00:42:21,315 --> 00:42:22,154 Fine. 887 00:42:22,275 --> 00:42:29,033 l think we've drawn long enough from that. . .teat. 888 00:42:31,034 --> 00:42:34,833 Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble in the building is not imported. 889 00:42:34,953 --> 00:42:36,872 - Really? - lt's really interesting. . . 890 00:42:36,993 --> 00:42:39,632 - lf you study the stonework. . . - Not at the moment. 891 00:42:39,753 --> 00:42:41,633 So, you made it in OK, right? 892 00:42:41,754 --> 00:42:44,152 Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can l get a coffee? 893 00:42:44,273 --> 00:42:45,952 Sure, sure. 894 00:42:46,073 --> 00:42:49,952 lf we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly. 895 00:42:50,953 --> 00:42:52,752 Your assistant? 896 00:42:52,873 --> 00:42:55,272 Yeah. So, item. 897 00:42:55,393 --> 00:42:58,632 We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, 898 00:42:58,753 --> 00:43:01,111 the bumps in the road ahead and what not. 899 00:43:01,233 --> 00:43:05,671 l'm sorry, l don't. . . This situation here is. . . is this it? 900 00:43:05,792 --> 00:43:07,991 No offence, son, but you look like you should still be 901 00:43:08,112 --> 00:43:10,271 at school with your head down a fucking toilet. 902 00:43:10,392 --> 00:43:13,991 Your first point there, the offence? l'm afraid l'm going to have to take it. 903 00:43:14,112 --> 00:43:17,710 Your second point, l'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so. . . 904 00:43:17,832 --> 00:43:20,511 if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait. 905 00:43:20,632 --> 00:43:22,471 Don't get sarcastic with me, son. 906 00:43:22,592 --> 00:43:25,471 We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. 907 00:43:25,592 --> 00:43:29,550 And l'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. 908 00:43:29,671 --> 00:43:31,430 You get sarcastic with me again 909 00:43:31,552 --> 00:43:34,230 and l will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat 910 00:43:34,351 --> 00:43:36,910 it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. 911 00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,670 l was led to believe l was attending the war committee. 912 00:43:40,791 --> 00:43:44,030 Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you 913 00:43:44,151 --> 00:43:46,470 on the work of the Future Planning Committee. 914 00:43:46,591 --> 00:43:48,429 l'm away. 915 00:43:48,551 --> 00:43:50,789 And here we are. The fucking Vice President 916 00:43:50,910 --> 00:43:52,869 has also graced us with his presence. 917 00:43:52,990 --> 00:43:54,949 Give him a bottle of milk. 918 00:43:55,070 --> 00:43:56,869 You didn't wake me up. 919 00:43:56,990 --> 00:44:00,029 The thought crossed my mind, but you just looked so sweet there. 920 00:44:00,150 --> 00:44:01,949 You know, with the jet lag and all. 921 00:44:02,070 --> 00:44:04,468 l don't know, l thought you knew what you were doing. 922 00:44:04,590 --> 00:44:07,429 Well, no. Obviously l didn't know what l was doing, l was asleep. 923 00:44:07,550 --> 00:44:10,349 That's how people walk through windows, that's how that happens. 924 00:44:10,470 --> 00:44:12,428 Hey, Liza? l've got another call 925 00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:15,549 for you about the committee from Senator Crudden's office. 926 00:44:15,669 --> 00:44:17,629 Crudden? What is going on? 927 00:44:17,750 --> 00:44:19,908 l mean, how did CNN know about the committee? 928 00:44:20,029 --> 00:44:23,668 Did Linton post, like, an invite on Facebook or something? 929 00:44:23,789 --> 00:44:27,268 Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper, l just wanted to let you know. 930 00:44:27,388 --> 00:44:29,188 l'm about to run off another ten copies. 931 00:44:29,308 --> 00:44:32,108 - Just stop. - lt's like a Harry Potter book, 932 00:44:32,229 --> 00:44:34,947 if Harry Potter made people really, really angry. 933 00:44:35,068 --> 00:44:37,587 You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. 934 00:44:37,708 --> 00:44:40,267 Do you smell lobster? Because l smell lobster. 935 00:44:40,389 --> 00:44:43,467 Strong. . .bisque wafting this way. 936 00:44:43,588 --> 00:44:45,468 How far would you go with Linton? 937 00:44:45,588 --> 00:44:47,427 You freaky little stalker. 938 00:44:47,548 --> 00:44:50,627 Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain? 939 00:44:50,748 --> 00:44:53,187 Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque. 940 00:45:00,828 --> 00:45:03,346 Where's the war committee? l thought l was going. 941 00:45:03,467 --> 00:45:06,307 Simon's going. l thought you were doing your one-to-one? 942 00:45:06,427 --> 00:45:07,906 Where the fuck is it happening? 943 00:45:08,027 --> 00:45:10,666 lt's in the State Department on the seventh floor. 944 00:45:10,787 --> 00:45:12,546 - Malcolm? - What? 945 00:45:12,667 --> 00:45:16,186 Do you like how l'm telling you what's going on where you are? 946 00:45:16,307 --> 00:45:18,786 Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. 947 00:45:18,907 --> 00:45:21,545 A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cowbag is about 948 00:45:21,667 --> 00:45:23,426 to discover that she's out of a fucking... 949 00:45:23,547 --> 00:45:27,385 job. Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking. . . 950 00:45:27,506 --> 00:45:29,825 Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right? 951 00:45:29,946 --> 00:45:32,665 Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck. 952 00:45:35,226 --> 00:45:37,785 - There's the grenade. - l know, l'm looking at it. 953 00:45:37,906 --> 00:45:41,225 He's got "Climb the mountain of conflict" on his picture. 954 00:45:41,346 --> 00:45:43,305 He's picked up on that? 955 00:45:44,266 --> 00:45:46,305 l'm a bumper sticker. 956 00:45:46,425 --> 00:45:48,304 Shit, there's Karen Clark. 957 00:45:48,425 --> 00:45:50,144 Have a meeting, have a meeting. 958 00:45:53,825 --> 00:45:57,304 What about the dialectic, as it spreads across the different territories? 959 00:45:57,425 --> 00:45:59,384 - lnteresting dialectic. . . - Oh, hi. 960 00:45:59,505 --> 00:46:01,784 Hi. l'll see you at the committee. 961 00:46:01,905 --> 00:46:03,984 We're just sorting out a bit of prep. . . 962 00:46:04,105 --> 00:46:06,304 Very good, that's great. 963 00:46:06,424 --> 00:46:09,463 - Liza. They're still here. - l know. l told them where it was. 964 00:46:09,584 --> 00:46:11,103 OK, let's go, let's go. Come on. 965 00:46:11,224 --> 00:46:14,143 Quick, we've got to keep up with them, now. Let's roll. 966 00:46:14,264 --> 00:46:17,143 No, you can't say "let's roll", they don't like it here. 967 00:46:17,264 --> 00:46:20,983 That's just who asked to be in on the committee, it's crazy. 968 00:46:21,104 --> 00:46:23,583 - Yeah. - Hello. 969 00:46:23,704 --> 00:46:26,623 Are you joining us or shall we see you there? 970 00:46:26,744 --> 00:46:28,462 Oh, l'm so sorry. No, see you there. 971 00:46:28,584 --> 00:46:31,262 l don't need to do any of the things 972 00:46:31,383 --> 00:46:34,142 that you need to go in there to do, so l'll just see you there. 973 00:46:34,263 --> 00:46:36,222 - Toby, do you need to use the. . .? - No, no, no. 974 00:46:36,343 --> 00:46:39,262 - l don't need the restroom. - All right, OK. 975 00:46:40,263 --> 00:46:42,102 Yeah, they're insane. 976 00:46:42,223 --> 00:46:44,062 Where is it? 977 00:46:44,183 --> 00:46:46,021 l don't know. We can wait here. 978 00:46:46,143 --> 00:46:49,502 Wait round here. When they come out, we'll follow them again. 979 00:46:57,182 --> 00:46:58,941 Plenty of room down the back. 980 00:46:59,062 --> 00:47:03,541 We seem to be overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh? 981 00:47:03,662 --> 00:47:06,101 There must have been a leak. - Really, no kidding? 982 00:47:06,222 --> 00:47:10,061 - Unbelievable! - ls this the wrestling? ls that the ring? 983 00:47:10,182 --> 00:47:11,581 There's General Miller. 984 00:47:11,702 --> 00:47:15,901 l think it's best that we move, reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue. 985 00:47:16,022 --> 00:47:18,300 - lf you follow my lead. . . - Take an agenda. 986 00:47:18,421 --> 00:47:20,860 Please take an agenda, we want to stick to that. 987 00:47:20,982 --> 00:47:24,860 This is a cluster fuck. How did CNN know about this? 988 00:47:24,981 --> 00:47:28,060 - Hold onto that one! - Could you get Miller to sign it? 989 00:47:28,181 --> 00:47:31,139 lf we could do this with a certain amount of energy. 990 00:47:31,261 --> 00:47:33,100 Just this way, folks. 991 00:47:33,221 --> 00:47:35,180 Moo! 992 00:47:41,180 --> 00:47:43,259 Find a chair, wherever you're comfortable. 993 00:47:43,380 --> 00:47:44,779 More this way. 994 00:47:44,900 --> 00:47:47,300 Excellent. l'm room meat again. 995 00:47:47,420 --> 00:47:51,139 This is a massive abattoir of room meat. 996 00:47:52,340 --> 00:47:54,779 Just so you know, Karen and l did not appreciate 997 00:47:54,900 --> 00:47:57,058 having to skulk around like Mulder and Scully 998 00:47:57,180 --> 00:47:58,779 to find out about the committee. 999 00:47:58,900 --> 00:48:01,979 Well, you're both here now, huh, John and Yoko? 1000 00:48:02,100 --> 00:48:03,658 We need to talk. 1001 00:48:03,779 --> 00:48:06,538 How about my office, 1 2:30 tomorrow, huh? 1002 00:48:06,659 --> 00:48:08,058 OK, off you go. 1003 00:48:08,179 --> 00:48:10,458 - What do you mean? - l've got this covered. 1004 00:48:10,579 --> 00:48:13,978 Go and find the next thing. Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from The Shining. 1005 00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:15,418 He knows things. 1006 00:48:15,539 --> 00:48:18,457 - Don't make me pump Chad. - No, l'm making you pump Chad. 1007 00:48:18,579 --> 00:48:20,937 Go on, it'll be easy-peasey lemon-squeezy. 1008 00:48:21,058 --> 00:48:25,577 No, it won't. lt'll be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult, that is what it'll be. 1009 00:48:25,699 --> 00:48:27,898 Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me. 1010 00:48:28,019 --> 00:48:31,817 So, welcome to the somewhat engorged 1011 00:48:31,938 --> 00:48:34,937 session of the Future Planning Committee. 1012 00:48:35,058 --> 00:48:37,657 Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, 1013 00:48:37,778 --> 00:48:41,337 it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading 1014 00:48:41,458 --> 00:48:46,097 and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? 1015 00:48:46,218 --> 00:48:48,896 l mean, this is, after all, the war committee. 1016 00:48:49,018 --> 00:48:51,416 This is the Future Planning Committee. 1017 00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:54,456 Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee. 1018 00:48:54,577 --> 00:48:57,937 Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. 1019 00:48:58,057 --> 00:49:02,616 l mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. 1020 00:49:02,737 --> 00:49:05,816 And this is the Future Planning Committee. 1021 00:49:05,937 --> 00:49:08,696 Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit. 1022 00:49:10,616 --> 00:49:12,775 Hey. 1023 00:49:12,896 --> 00:49:15,095 - What's all this? - "Climb the mountain of conflict!" 1024 00:49:15,217 --> 00:49:17,816 We're just choosing a font for what looks appropriate. 1025 00:49:17,937 --> 00:49:19,695 What about that font the SS used? 1026 00:49:19,816 --> 00:49:21,775 Have you thought about using that one? 1027 00:49:21,896 --> 00:49:24,055 Er. . .well, that obviously has bad connotations. 1028 00:49:24,176 --> 00:49:25,975 Heavy metal? 1029 00:49:26,096 --> 00:49:27,895 - No, the SS. - Oh, right. 1030 00:49:31,415 --> 00:49:37,334 Has a decision already been made, in principle, to advocate invasion? 1031 00:49:37,455 --> 00:49:39,615 l would refer you to the recent comments 1032 00:49:39,736 --> 00:49:44,454 of our colleague from the UK, Mr Simon Foster, in that regard. 1033 00:49:44,575 --> 00:49:49,014 Yes, l think that Mr Foster would have something to say to that. 1034 00:49:49,615 --> 00:49:52,294 l'm. . . l'm certainly hearing both sides. 1035 00:49:53,654 --> 00:49:58,134 ln England we have a saying for a situation such as this, 1036 00:49:59,134 --> 00:50:02,613 which is that it's difficult, difficult. . . 1037 00:50:04,054 --> 00:50:05,973 . . lemon difficult. 1038 00:50:08,814 --> 00:50:12,813 You betcha. Huh? l do think a consensus is forming. 1039 00:50:12,934 --> 00:50:16,333 No, No, it's not, and you have no basis for saying that. 1040 00:50:16,454 --> 00:50:18,093 Karen, calm down. 1041 00:50:18,213 --> 00:50:21,052 Because we don't want you to have another haemorrhage. 1042 00:50:24,693 --> 00:50:26,612 Linton ! Linton ! 1043 00:50:27,573 --> 00:50:30,332 Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. 1044 00:50:30,453 --> 00:50:32,412 Are you fucking me about? 1045 00:50:34,613 --> 00:50:36,411 ls there a problem, Mr Tucker? 1046 00:50:36,533 --> 00:50:39,612 l've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child. 1047 00:50:39,732 --> 00:50:42,372 You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. 1048 00:50:42,492 --> 00:50:45,252 He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. 1049 00:50:45,372 --> 00:50:47,011 One of the brightest and best. 1050 00:50:47,132 --> 00:50:49,972 Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. 1051 00:50:50,093 --> 00:50:52,931 When l left, l nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord. 1052 00:50:53,052 --> 00:50:55,052 l'm sorry it troubles you that our people 1053 00:50:55,172 --> 00:50:57,331 achieve excellence at such an early age. 1054 00:50:57,452 --> 00:51:00,491 But could we just move on to what's important here? 1055 00:51:00,612 --> 00:51:03,730 Now, l understand that your Prime Minister has asked you 1056 00:51:03,851 --> 00:51:09,490 to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true? 1057 00:51:09,611 --> 00:51:12,851 Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers 1058 00:51:12,971 --> 00:51:15,211 - can't quite get the job done. . . - All right. 1059 00:51:15,332 --> 00:51:17,930 . .between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. 1060 00:51:18,051 --> 00:51:20,770 So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out. 1061 00:51:20,891 --> 00:51:24,450 Ah, Minister. Thank you so much for your support, we appreciate it. 1062 00:51:24,571 --> 00:51:27,729 And what did you say, that "Climb the mountain of conflict"? 1063 00:51:27,850 --> 00:51:31,449 - Right, that's terrific. - lt's quite complicated in terms of my. . . 1064 00:51:31,570 --> 00:51:34,609 lt's early days, my friend. All roads lead to Munich. 1065 00:51:34,730 --> 00:51:37,329 "All roads lead to Munich"? What the fuck does that mean? 1066 00:51:37,450 --> 00:51:40,529 l think it just means. . . Actually, l don't know what it means. 1067 00:51:42,250 --> 00:51:45,009 You see that? Pull that out, America deflates. 1068 00:51:45,130 --> 00:51:48,729 Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest you'll come to getting one of those 1069 00:51:48,849 --> 00:51:50,729 is buying a fucking Toblerone. 1070 00:51:50,850 --> 00:51:53,329 l'll meet you in the car. Come on, back to London. 1071 00:51:53,450 --> 00:51:55,288 So, what are we going back to 1072 00:51:55,409 --> 00:51:58,129 apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime? 1073 00:51:58,250 --> 00:52:01,009 Constituency surgery in Northampton. 1074 00:52:01,129 --> 00:52:03,048 Oh, great. 1075 00:52:03,169 --> 00:52:05,008 Meeting my constituents. 1076 00:52:05,129 --> 00:52:08,928 lt's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say, 1077 00:52:09,049 --> 00:52:11,327 "Fuck off you're mental." 1078 00:52:19,888 --> 00:52:21,688 It's stuck. 1079 00:52:21,808 --> 00:52:24,007 Simon, do you mind? 1080 00:52:24,128 --> 00:52:27,567 lf you just kick it at the bottom really hard, that should do it. 1081 00:52:29,408 --> 00:52:32,286 l'm just going to go and deal with that guttering. 1082 00:52:32,408 --> 00:52:34,366 We've just come back from America, Roz. 1083 00:52:34,487 --> 00:52:37,487 Right. How was the President? 1084 00:52:37,608 --> 00:52:38,967 Good, actually. Yeah. 1085 00:52:39,967 --> 00:52:41,246 Good. 1086 00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:47,087 Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen. From White House to shitehouse. 1087 00:52:48,048 --> 00:52:51,486 Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this, could you get under there? 1088 00:52:53,047 --> 00:52:54,966 - ls that any better? - No. 1089 00:52:56,367 --> 00:53:00,125 This septic tank, if we didn't even know it was there in the first place, 1090 00:53:00,247 --> 00:53:02,485 how come we're responsible for it now? 1091 00:53:02,606 --> 00:53:04,486 l think what's causing the problem 1092 00:53:04,607 --> 00:53:07,445 is that it's not actually a council septic tank. 1093 00:53:07,566 --> 00:53:10,685 - You should leave this to us now. - Really? 1094 00:53:10,807 --> 00:53:13,405 Certainly, l'm completely on board. 1095 00:53:13,526 --> 00:53:15,285 - ls he? - Thanks for coming in. 1096 00:53:15,406 --> 00:53:17,325 - All right? - Right, yes, thank you. 1097 00:53:17,446 --> 00:53:19,285 - Thank you. - Thanks very much. 1098 00:53:19,406 --> 00:53:20,805 Thanks. 1099 00:53:20,926 --> 00:53:22,364 - Hello. - Hello. 1100 00:53:22,485 --> 00:53:24,325 - Mr Foster. - Call me Simon. 1101 00:53:24,445 --> 00:53:26,245 - Right, OK. - You've met Roz. 1102 00:53:26,365 --> 00:53:27,805 - l know l have. - Lovely. 1103 00:53:27,926 --> 00:53:30,685 l'll keep it brief, l know you're a busy man. There's a fellow there 1104 00:53:30,806 --> 00:53:34,284 who wants to stop people talking in foreign languages in shops. 1105 00:53:35,245 --> 00:53:37,324 Yeah. Well, this sometimes can be a magnet 1106 00:53:37,445 --> 00:53:40,244 for people who are slightly mentally dispossessed. 1107 00:53:42,725 --> 00:53:45,844 And also very sensible people, like yourself, Paul. 1108 00:53:45,964 --> 00:53:49,083 - Paul, why don't you just. . . - Don't you fucking patronise me, mate. 1109 00:53:49,205 --> 00:53:53,724 Paul, why don't you just outline the whole issue? 1110 00:53:53,845 --> 00:53:55,644 Right, OK, l'll tell you again. 1111 00:53:55,764 --> 00:53:59,483 Your constituency side wall. . . 1112 00:53:59,604 --> 00:54:01,963 - Uh-huh. - . . is falling down. 1113 00:54:02,084 --> 00:54:06,362 Your wall. . . is falling into my mother's garden. 1114 00:54:06,484 --> 00:54:09,242 She tried to call the office, but she was fobbed off. 1115 00:54:09,364 --> 00:54:12,483 Fobbed off by your people, because she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car 1116 00:54:12,604 --> 00:54:14,443 or Madonna on a horse. 1117 00:54:14,564 --> 00:54:17,843 Well, that l . . . l find that sort of thing incredibly irritating myself. 1118 00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:21,962 lt's a patch from London, it's Karen Clark. Urgent. 1119 00:54:22,083 --> 00:54:24,962 - Hello? Sorry, l'm not here. - Sorry, Paul. 1120 00:54:25,083 --> 00:54:27,322 - l have to take this. - Am l being fobbed off? 1121 00:54:27,443 --> 00:54:28,441 Absolutely not. 1122 00:54:28,563 --> 00:54:31,481 What's the difference between being fobbed off and what happened? 1123 00:54:31,602 --> 00:54:33,561 You won't be able to forget me, Simon. 1124 00:54:33,682 --> 00:54:35,122 What's going on there, Simon? 1125 00:54:35,243 --> 00:54:38,241 lt's. . . lt's departmental business. lt's about a wall. 1126 00:54:38,362 --> 00:54:40,321 - Oh, Gaza? - Uh-huh. 1127 00:54:40,442 --> 00:54:42,841 l'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon. 1128 00:54:42,963 --> 00:54:46,241 l called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit. 1129 00:54:46,362 --> 00:54:49,401 Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, 1130 00:54:49,522 --> 00:54:51,681 shit is probably fizzling with energy. 1131 00:54:51,802 --> 00:54:54,360 l have to say, Karen, l do have a clear strategy on this, 1132 00:54:54,482 --> 00:54:56,641 which is l'm playing. . . playing the long game. 1133 00:54:56,762 --> 00:54:58,200 Still here, Simon. 1134 00:54:58,322 --> 00:55:01,601 They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a. . . 1135 00:55:01,722 --> 00:55:04,361 What do you call it in England? A wanker. 1136 00:55:04,482 --> 00:55:06,320 No, we don't call it that. 1137 00:55:06,441 --> 00:55:08,120 Paul. Paul. 1138 00:55:08,241 --> 00:55:11,040 Perhaps if l had a bomb strapped to my chest, l'd get more attention. 1139 00:55:11,161 --> 00:55:13,160 He's mentioned the matter of a bomb. 1140 00:55:13,281 --> 00:55:16,439 l'm not going to let a bomb off, l work for the National Trust. 1141 00:55:16,561 --> 00:55:18,799 How do l know you're not going to let a bomb off? 1142 00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:23,800 Listen, Paul, why don't l give you, the details of my cell 1143 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:26,440 - so that you. . . - Mobile phone details. 1144 00:55:26,561 --> 00:55:29,159 - Mobile phone details. - Have you got a mobile, Paul? 1145 00:55:29,280 --> 00:55:31,279 - Of course l've got a fucking mobile! - Roz. 1146 00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:32,599 What is wrong with you? 1147 00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,359 Five megapixels. 1148 00:55:34,480 --> 00:55:36,319 Can we see the wall? Would that satisfy you? 1149 00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:39,319 - Well, it's a start. - Friends again? Let's go and do it. 1150 00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:42,358 l'm not. . . not your friend, and l'm not your friend. 1151 00:55:42,480 --> 00:55:44,278 Thank you. 1152 00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:45,919 That's a pleasure. 1153 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:47,998 Thank you. 1154 00:55:48,999 --> 00:55:50,598 Done. l'm done, l'm done. 1155 00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:53,118 - Thank you. - Let's go have a good look at that wall. 1156 00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:56,438 Four more constituents. How many do you think are going to be like that? 1157 00:55:56,559 --> 00:55:58,238 OK, hang on. 1158 00:55:58,359 --> 00:56:02,758 Also the committee got leaked and that leak came from your department. 1159 00:56:02,879 --> 00:56:06,878 I want a head on a plate, to go. 1160 00:56:07,839 --> 00:56:11,157 You're not my boss. Er. . .fuck off! 1161 00:56:11,959 --> 00:56:14,037 You can't make me sack people. 1162 00:56:14,159 --> 00:56:15,957 Why does she want someone sacked? 1163 00:56:16,079 --> 00:56:18,037 Ah, she said there's a leak. . . 1164 00:56:18,838 --> 00:56:22,237 The detail of the committee meeting in America was made public. 1165 00:56:22,358 --> 00:56:24,837 There shouldn't have been as many people there. 1166 00:56:24,958 --> 00:56:27,476 Right, and who does she want sacked? 1167 00:56:27,598 --> 00:56:30,356 - Somebody from our office. - Right. 1168 00:56:30,478 --> 00:56:32,556 Let's forget it. Come on, next person. 1169 00:56:33,517 --> 00:56:36,276 - Could it have been Judy? - Probably. 1170 00:56:38,718 --> 00:56:41,236 Judy, can you come into my office, l need a word? 1171 00:56:41,357 --> 00:56:43,196 One second. Tobes, that's for you. 1172 00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:44,916 What is it? 1173 00:56:45,036 --> 00:56:47,316 - lt's that madman about the wall. - The war? 1174 00:56:47,437 --> 00:56:49,756 Wall ! Eugh. 1175 00:56:49,877 --> 00:56:52,995 Will you please come into my office so l can give you a bollocking? 1176 00:56:53,117 --> 00:56:55,235 Yeah, OK, OK, what? - Hello. 1177 00:56:55,356 --> 00:56:57,076 - Argh ! Fucker! - l want a word with you. 1178 00:56:57,197 --> 00:56:58,996 And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë. 1179 00:56:59,117 --> 00:57:00,916 What can l do for you, Paul? 1180 00:57:01,036 --> 00:57:05,875 You know those buttresses that you had put up for the wall? 1181 00:57:05,996 --> 00:57:07,715 They are utterly insubstantial 1182 00:57:07,836 --> 00:57:10,515 to even the untrained eye, and l'm looking at them. 1183 00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:12,555 And my eye's trained. 1184 00:57:12,676 --> 00:57:15,395 No, l get that, l do. . . l understand that. 1185 00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:18,075 lf that wall collapsed and my mother was in the greenhouse, 1186 00:57:18,196 --> 00:57:19,715 that could crush her to death. 1187 00:57:19,836 --> 00:57:22,754 Do you know how old she is? Tell the reporter how old you are. 1188 00:57:22,876 --> 00:57:24,074 l'm 60. 1189 00:57:24,195 --> 00:57:26,034 She's 60. . . You're not fucking 60! 1190 00:57:26,156 --> 00:57:29,474 lf it's going in the newspaper, l'm 60. 1191 00:57:29,595 --> 00:57:32,753 Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not on the fucking statins, is she? 1192 00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,793 - l didn't leak anything. - Don't you fucking walk out on me. 1193 00:57:35,914 --> 00:57:38,314 - l'm just getting my tea. Let her get a cup of tea. 1194 00:57:38,435 --> 00:57:42,034 Could you just get your mum to stay away from the wall for the time being? 1195 00:57:42,154 --> 00:57:44,273 She can't stay away, she's got to water her plants. 1196 00:57:44,395 --> 00:57:48,113 Could she maybe do it with a hose, from a distance? 1197 00:57:48,235 --> 00:57:50,273 She's got a watering can ! 1198 00:57:50,394 --> 00:57:51,713 Calm down, Paul, calm down. 1199 00:57:51,834 --> 00:57:54,753 l'm not. . . l'm fucking Zen. 1200 00:57:57,033 --> 00:57:59,112 l've brought my nunchucks if you need them, sir. 1201 00:57:59,233 --> 00:58:00,993 See how the meeting goes. 1202 00:58:03,073 --> 00:58:04,992 1 2:30. 1203 00:58:05,114 --> 00:58:07,072 Hold on. General? 1204 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:12,513 Yeah. . . Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know 1205 00:58:12,633 --> 00:58:15,672 that his last meeting looks like it's overrunning, 1206 00:58:15,793 --> 00:58:17,152 He sends his apologies. 1207 00:58:17,273 --> 00:58:18,592 When will he be here? 1208 00:58:18,713 --> 00:58:21,112 l don't have that information at this moment. 1209 00:58:21,233 --> 00:58:22,872 What the fuck? 1210 00:58:22,993 --> 00:58:24,591 Huh? 1211 00:58:24,713 --> 00:58:27,471 - Did he stand me up? - No, no, sir. 1212 00:58:27,593 --> 00:58:30,671 - You're more than welcome to wait. - Do you know what l'm going to do? 1213 00:58:30,792 --> 00:58:33,072 l'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, 1214 00:58:33,192 --> 00:58:35,911 just to let him know that l was here. ls that OK with you? 1215 00:58:36,032 --> 00:58:38,311 l don't think he'd like that too much, sir. 1216 00:58:40,232 --> 00:58:43,951 You can wait. We have some very interesting periodicals. 1217 00:58:44,071 --> 00:58:47,151 - There's um. . . - Oh, yeah. 1218 00:58:55,791 --> 00:58:59,510 You want me to read a periodical at this time of national crisis? Huh? 1219 00:58:59,631 --> 00:59:02,030 Sit here with my thumb up my ass reading a paper? 1220 00:59:02,151 --> 00:59:05,670 Finding out what? Which little starlet fucked some guy this week? 1221 00:59:05,791 --> 00:59:08,749 No, l wasn't suggesting that, sir. 1222 00:59:11,351 --> 00:59:13,070 Give this to your boss. 1223 00:59:14,911 --> 00:59:15,990 Yeah. 1224 00:59:18,430 --> 00:59:20,349 Get out of my way. 1225 00:59:37,429 --> 00:59:40,428 Oh, my God. What's up? 1226 00:59:40,550 --> 00:59:42,469 Fucking Linton stood me up. 1227 00:59:42,589 --> 00:59:45,388 He's playing me like a turkey stick on a bass drum. 1228 00:59:45,509 --> 00:59:47,828 Do you know where he is? He's playing squash. 1229 00:59:47,949 --> 00:59:50,588 With this little fucking twit? 1230 00:59:50,709 --> 00:59:53,428 No, not with. . . No, that's Chad. 1231 00:59:53,549 --> 00:59:57,628 He just carries that every day, because he's hoping to play squash. 1232 00:59:57,748 --> 01:00:01,187 l was going to eat lunch in here. Can you digest? Do you want some food? 1233 01:00:01,308 --> 01:00:02,947 Oh, yes, l can digest, yes. 1234 01:00:03,068 --> 01:00:04,427 Chinese OK? 1235 01:00:04,549 --> 01:00:06,907 Why don't you order me some little mammals? 1236 01:00:07,029 --> 01:00:09,747 A little bunny and a little puppy, and a little cat, 1237 01:00:09,868 --> 01:00:12,907 so l can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood. 1238 01:00:13,028 --> 01:00:14,707 My, my. All right. 1239 01:00:14,828 --> 01:00:18,227 While Foster jets around at the taxpayers' expense, 1240 01:00:18,348 --> 01:00:21,547 his constituency wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit. 1241 01:00:21,668 --> 01:00:23,187 lt doesn't say that? 1242 01:00:23,308 --> 01:00:25,306 No. But it does say "Wall-ace And Gromit". 1243 01:00:25,427 --> 01:00:27,587 Wall-ace, though. 1244 01:00:27,708 --> 01:00:30,706 You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire. 1245 01:00:30,827 --> 01:00:32,706 l've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. 1246 01:00:32,827 --> 01:00:35,866 l'm giving this to somebody else. Jamie! 1247 01:00:35,987 --> 01:00:38,186 Ah, the crossest man in Scotland. 1248 01:00:39,587 --> 01:00:41,426 Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty. 1249 01:00:41,547 --> 01:00:43,346 What is this? Surround bollocking? 1250 01:00:43,467 --> 01:00:45,546 Hey, with due respect, l hadn't finished. 1251 01:00:45,667 --> 01:00:48,585 lf it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall 1252 01:00:48,707 --> 01:00:51,665 like some clueless egg cunt. 1253 01:00:51,786 --> 01:00:53,106 Now, l'm finished. 1254 01:00:53,227 --> 01:00:55,065 Hi, Jamie, this is Toby. 1255 01:00:55,186 --> 01:00:58,585 Oh, um. . .Toby Rice, l'm Simon's aide. 1256 01:00:58,706 --> 01:01:01,785 Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. 1257 01:01:01,905 --> 01:01:04,904 Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries. 1258 01:01:05,026 --> 01:01:08,465 - What's Oxbridge about saying hello? - Shut it, Love Actually! 1259 01:01:08,586 --> 01:01:10,424 Do you want me to hole punch your face? 1260 01:01:10,545 --> 01:01:13,505 Right, l'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. 1261 01:01:13,625 --> 01:01:15,464 Be gentle with them. 1262 01:01:15,586 --> 01:01:19,104 Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves. . . but made from real kids. 1263 01:01:20,145 --> 01:01:22,984 Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. 1264 01:01:23,105 --> 01:01:25,063 There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus. 1265 01:01:25,185 --> 01:01:27,104 A walrus? 1266 01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:29,584 l'm not fat, l don't even have a moustache. 1267 01:01:30,545 --> 01:01:32,304 Fuck, they've given me tusks. 1268 01:01:32,425 --> 01:01:34,263 - Wal-rus. - Yes, l know. 1269 01:01:34,385 --> 01:01:35,864 You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus. 1270 01:01:35,984 --> 01:01:39,463 We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would. 1271 01:01:39,585 --> 01:01:41,383 What did you expect? 1272 01:01:41,504 --> 01:01:43,143 They're builders! 1273 01:01:43,264 --> 01:01:46,703 Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? 1274 01:01:46,824 --> 01:01:50,182 No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. 1275 01:01:50,303 --> 01:01:52,183 Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? 1276 01:01:52,304 --> 01:01:55,583 That's why you never see a superhero with a hod. 1277 01:01:55,703 --> 01:01:57,862 You know, my theory is Malcolm built him in a lab 1278 01:01:57,983 --> 01:01:59,982 out of bits of old psychopath. 1279 01:02:00,103 --> 01:02:01,742 Hello, ladies. 1280 01:02:01,863 --> 01:02:03,982 OK, well, l'm just going to go to the bar. 1281 01:02:04,103 --> 01:02:05,902 Good idea, we're on the Sancerre. 1282 01:02:06,023 --> 01:02:09,022 - lf you can afford that. - lf you can get served at the bar. 1283 01:02:09,143 --> 01:02:12,101 - Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde. - He might not get served, bless him. 1284 01:02:12,223 --> 01:02:14,181 Toby's got a message. Hang on. 1285 01:02:16,782 --> 01:02:18,662 What's that? 1286 01:02:19,662 --> 01:02:22,661 - Oh, fucking wow, l don't believe it. - What? 1287 01:02:22,783 --> 01:02:25,461 l don't fucking. . . l don't believe it, he's done it again. 1288 01:02:26,462 --> 01:02:28,981 Little shit, he's such a shit. 1289 01:02:30,502 --> 01:02:31,981 What? 1290 01:02:32,982 --> 01:02:34,301 - Here he is. - There you are. 1291 01:02:34,422 --> 01:02:36,660 The finest Sancerre in the Westminster reach. 1292 01:02:36,782 --> 01:02:39,700 So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah? 1293 01:02:39,821 --> 01:02:41,060 What? No. 1294 01:02:41,181 --> 01:02:44,220 Were you aware he was ball-deep in some Washington wonk? 1295 01:02:44,341 --> 01:02:46,781 - Suzy! - l didn't know anything about his balls. 1296 01:02:46,902 --> 01:02:50,260 Can we not discuss my balls and accusations in. . . 1297 01:02:50,381 --> 01:02:53,740 Just tell me why. Huh? 1298 01:02:56,141 --> 01:03:00,740 l don't know, Suzy. lt was very weird over there, very intense. 1299 01:03:00,861 --> 01:03:01,860 Right. 1300 01:03:01,981 --> 01:03:06,419 Maybe, l don't know, on some level, subconsciously, 1301 01:03:06,541 --> 01:03:10,979 it was like a. . . it was just. . . it was a last-ditch attempt to. . . 1302 01:03:11,980 --> 01:03:16,779 . .stop this. . .awful war, you know? 1303 01:03:18,339 --> 01:03:21,019 Just on a. . . l mean, you know, l don't mean, obviously, to try. . 1304 01:03:21,140 --> 01:03:22,979 - Wow. - That's classic. 1305 01:03:23,100 --> 01:03:24,658 . . .to try and actually stop it. 1306 01:03:24,780 --> 01:03:27,298 Toby, did you just say that you had sex to stop the war? 1307 01:03:27,419 --> 01:03:28,299 No, no, no. 1308 01:03:28,419 --> 01:03:32,459 An anti-war shag? ls that what you thought, Toby? Because, that's. . . Wow. 1309 01:03:32,580 --> 01:03:34,099 Can we just go and discuss this 1310 01:03:34,220 --> 01:03:37,098 somewhere where there aren't enormous children eating snacks? 1311 01:03:37,219 --> 01:03:40,938 He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns, and. . . 1312 01:03:42,139 --> 01:03:45,178 . .this is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. 1313 01:03:45,299 --> 01:03:47,498 Once you've been there, once you've seen it, 1314 01:03:47,619 --> 01:03:50,698 you never want to go again, unless you absolutely fucking have to. 1315 01:03:51,698 --> 01:03:53,617 lt's like France. 1316 01:03:54,939 --> 01:03:56,458 ls there anything besides this to eat? 1317 01:03:56,579 --> 01:03:59,457 Have something else. This has got a little protein, have that. 1318 01:03:59,578 --> 01:04:01,457 What's this, fish ass? 1319 01:04:01,578 --> 01:04:04,537 - So, you read Liza's paper, l guess? - Yeah, 1320 01:04:04,658 --> 01:04:06,697 l'm a voracious reader. 1321 01:04:06,818 --> 01:04:09,216 l am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon. 1322 01:04:09,338 --> 01:04:10,297 Gore's gay. 1323 01:04:10,418 --> 01:04:11,296 No, he's not. 1324 01:04:11,417 --> 01:04:13,216 l beg to differ, but. . . 1325 01:04:13,337 --> 01:04:16,457 He's gay? Because l've been saying that Gore Vidal line. 1326 01:04:16,578 --> 01:04:17,856 He is gay. 1327 01:04:18,897 --> 01:04:20,857 Guess, l'd better stop saying that, then. 1328 01:04:20,977 --> 01:04:22,496 lt's ridiculous. 1329 01:04:22,617 --> 01:04:25,656 The case against war is far stronger than the case for war 1330 01:04:25,777 --> 01:04:28,016 and the case for war is caveated all to hell. 1331 01:04:28,137 --> 01:04:30,176 "Most analysts believe the state is looking 1332 01:04:30,297 --> 01:04:32,695 to expand aggressively beyond its borders." 1333 01:04:32,816 --> 01:04:35,295 Then you look down the caveats. "The only source is "lce Man". 1334 01:04:35,416 --> 01:04:38,656 A possible alcoholic" - he probably does ten bags of methamphetamine a day. 1335 01:04:38,776 --> 01:04:39,935 The lce Man. 1336 01:04:40,057 --> 01:04:41,696 lf he even exists. 1337 01:04:41,817 --> 01:04:45,855 "The lNR says we can't trust him." We're disputing our own intelligence. 1338 01:04:45,976 --> 01:04:47,735 We should leak this, you know. 1339 01:04:47,856 --> 01:04:49,375 When do you wanna leak it? 1340 01:04:50,376 --> 01:04:51,375 Me? 1341 01:04:51,496 --> 01:04:53,695 - lsn't that what you were suggesting? - No. 1342 01:04:53,816 --> 01:04:55,655 You don't have to say that it came from you. 1343 01:04:55,776 --> 01:04:57,735 No, l'm not leaking it. 1344 01:04:59,816 --> 01:05:01,735 Liza looks good today. 1345 01:05:06,376 --> 01:05:09,854 - l mean, has Linton read this thing? - l don't think Linton reads. 1346 01:05:13,695 --> 01:05:16,134 Why don't you give it a couple of weeks to settle down? 1347 01:05:16,255 --> 01:05:19,094 Oh, great, just what we need. Old Anti-war Fuck is back. 1348 01:05:19,215 --> 01:05:21,894 - What the fuck's Cocoon doing here? - What are you doing here? 1349 01:05:22,015 --> 01:05:24,454 - Well, l live here. - Well, you don't, actually, Toby. 1350 01:05:24,574 --> 01:05:27,654 - Want another cup of tea, Michael? - Yes, please. l'd love one. 1351 01:05:27,775 --> 01:05:30,293 OK, right, l'm taking all my stuff from the kitchen. 1352 01:05:30,414 --> 01:05:32,174 - Do you want me to go? - No, you stay there. 1353 01:05:32,294 --> 01:05:34,813 He's just getting his brie and his peri-peri. 1354 01:05:34,934 --> 01:05:37,653 - Do you want me to help him pack? - And certainly my quince paste. 1355 01:05:37,774 --> 01:05:39,613 Quince paste, he's such a prick. 1356 01:05:39,733 --> 01:05:41,893 Just going to gather up his shit clothes. 1357 01:05:42,014 --> 01:05:43,172 Shut up. 1358 01:05:45,213 --> 01:05:47,852 That's not how you fold them. 1359 01:05:47,973 --> 01:05:51,093 l'm not going to fucking Fiji, l'm getting chucked out of my house. 1360 01:05:51,214 --> 01:05:53,052 They're all going in bin liners. 1361 01:05:53,173 --> 01:05:55,332 lt makes all the difference at the other end. 1362 01:05:55,453 --> 01:05:57,852 There is no other end, that's the point. 1363 01:05:57,973 --> 01:06:00,132 - Has she got big tits? - Oh, Christ alive. 1364 01:06:00,253 --> 01:06:02,652 Yes, actually, she has. She's got massive tits. Yes. 1365 01:06:02,772 --> 01:06:05,612 Look them up on Google Earth. They've got their own postcode. 1366 01:06:05,733 --> 01:06:07,851 They're so enormous that they actually 1367 01:06:07,973 --> 01:06:10,012 suck in other tits from the surrounding area. 1368 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:12,091 Like you? 1369 01:06:14,612 --> 01:06:16,251 Thanks. See you, then. 1370 01:06:16,372 --> 01:06:18,011 OK. 1371 01:06:18,132 --> 01:06:19,771 Um. . . 1372 01:06:19,892 --> 01:06:24,291 Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but. . . 1373 01:06:24,412 --> 01:06:25,891 A quickie? 1374 01:06:26,012 --> 01:06:29,171 No. Thank you, but no. 1375 01:06:29,292 --> 01:06:31,531 lt's about Liza. 1376 01:06:31,652 --> 01:06:33,770 Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWlP PlP. 1377 01:06:33,892 --> 01:06:35,730 - PWlP what? - PWlP PlP. 1378 01:06:35,851 --> 01:06:38,411 Who wrote that? Charles Dickens? 1379 01:06:38,532 --> 01:06:41,330 - Post War Planning lmplications. . . - Yeah, all right. 1380 01:06:41,451 --> 01:06:45,650 Right. l think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, 1381 01:06:45,771 --> 01:06:47,930 you know, too quickly, that sort of thing. 1382 01:06:48,051 --> 01:06:51,290 - Just if it was leaked. - You are such a coward. 1383 01:06:51,411 --> 01:06:55,410 Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes, 1384 01:06:55,531 --> 01:06:58,329 and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off. 1385 01:06:59,811 --> 01:07:02,569 OK, l'll just leave it there. 1386 01:07:09,009 --> 01:07:11,449 - l need advice myself. - Let's take care of the car. 1387 01:07:11,570 --> 01:07:14,289 This should not be here. This should not be here. 1388 01:07:14,410 --> 01:07:16,369 Sir. Everyone. 1389 01:07:17,009 --> 01:07:19,448 - The car is ready? - All taken care of, sir. 1390 01:07:19,569 --> 01:07:22,289 - l'm handling travel. - Why are people running around? 1391 01:07:22,410 --> 01:07:24,248 This had better be a fucking fire drill. 1392 01:07:24,369 --> 01:07:28,568 The President just announced he's vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports. 1393 01:07:28,689 --> 01:07:30,928 That means, right, he's buttering the Chinese up? 1394 01:07:31,049 --> 01:07:34,647 That he needs the Chinese to at least abstain on the Security Council. 1395 01:07:34,769 --> 01:07:36,567 OK, so we're going to the UN. 1396 01:07:36,689 --> 01:07:39,568 - Yes, we're going to the UN. - Shit. 1397 01:07:39,689 --> 01:07:41,647 Why didn't you tell me, Liza? 1398 01:07:42,648 --> 01:07:44,247 Since l created the budget deficit, 1399 01:07:44,369 --> 01:07:47,287 the President doesn't tend to run things by me any more. 1400 01:07:47,408 --> 01:07:49,767 Don't get funny with me. l am not in the mood to joke. 1401 01:07:49,888 --> 01:07:52,087 l'm. . . l'm getting that. 1402 01:07:52,208 --> 01:07:56,207 lf you say we're leaving in ten minutes that means we're leaving right now. 1403 01:07:56,327 --> 01:07:59,327 Not that l don't trust you, but l don't trust you. 1404 01:07:59,448 --> 01:08:01,087 l am gonna go into Linton's office 1405 01:08:01,208 --> 01:08:03,687 and l'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade. 1406 01:08:03,808 --> 01:08:05,526 - Don't do that. - l'm fucking joking. 1407 01:08:05,647 --> 01:08:06,646 l'm not gonna do that. 1408 01:08:06,767 --> 01:08:08,607 We have an elevator waiting for us. 1409 01:08:08,727 --> 01:08:10,926 Good. Step in, thank you very much, just. . . 1410 01:08:11,047 --> 01:08:13,006 l just. . . 1411 01:08:13,967 --> 01:08:16,726 This job is incredibly stressful, you know that? 1412 01:08:16,847 --> 01:08:19,446 Simon, you're not a lion tamer, 1413 01:08:19,567 --> 01:08:22,326 you're not a snooker player. 1414 01:08:22,447 --> 01:08:25,246 l don't want to back a war, Judy. 1415 01:08:26,246 --> 01:08:30,485 Look, put some hints out there, put some nods and some winks out 1416 01:08:30,606 --> 01:08:34,885 that l'm toying with resignation, OK? See if the PM reacts. 1417 01:08:35,006 --> 01:08:37,845 - You want me to put out some winks? - And nods, yeah. 1418 01:08:37,966 --> 01:08:39,605 What? Big nods? 1419 01:08:39,726 --> 01:08:42,005 No, no, just sort of. . . that sort of size nod. 1420 01:08:42,125 --> 01:08:43,125 OK. 1421 01:08:43,246 --> 01:08:44,885 No, no, that's much too big. 1422 01:08:45,005 --> 01:08:48,324 l'm just nodding normally to say l understand the need for a small nod. 1423 01:08:48,445 --> 01:08:50,045 Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah. 1424 01:08:50,765 --> 01:08:54,204 All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is. . . 1425 01:08:54,325 --> 01:08:56,444 Oh, God, l hate that phrase. "Bottom line." 1426 01:08:56,565 --> 01:08:58,005 l mean, we're not in retailing. 1427 01:08:58,125 --> 01:09:00,524 Sorry. Michael's quite right. l won't use that again. 1428 01:09:00,645 --> 01:09:02,844 The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. 1429 01:09:02,965 --> 01:09:05,804 This will be the vote to commence military intervention. 1430 01:09:07,205 --> 01:09:10,044 And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. 1431 01:09:10,165 --> 01:09:11,684 Rob, lnnis, 1432 01:09:11,805 --> 01:09:14,724 Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, 1433 01:09:14,845 --> 01:09:16,403 go back to your desks 1434 01:09:16,525 --> 01:09:18,363 and prepare to start briefing now. 1435 01:09:18,484 --> 01:09:20,523 Michael, do you mind if we use your office? 1436 01:09:20,645 --> 01:09:22,123 - What? - For a couple of minutes? 1437 01:09:22,244 --> 01:09:25,163 Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again? 1438 01:09:25,284 --> 01:09:28,043 - Um. . .might need to turn the music off. 1439 01:09:28,164 --> 01:09:29,162 Yes. 1440 01:09:30,204 --> 01:09:31,563 - Right. - OK. 1441 01:09:31,684 --> 01:09:33,643 So, this is all going to spin along from here. 1442 01:09:33,764 --> 01:09:35,443 We're going to have a vote and go to war. 1443 01:09:35,564 --> 01:09:38,283 We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. 1444 01:09:38,403 --> 01:09:39,882 This is exactly the sort of thing 1445 01:09:40,003 --> 01:09:42,563 that l didn't want to do when l went into politics. 1446 01:09:42,683 --> 01:09:45,162 This is the opposite of what l wanted to be doing. 1447 01:09:45,283 --> 01:09:47,962 That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. 1448 01:09:48,083 --> 01:09:50,482 ln here, you can influence things, you can delay things. 1449 01:09:50,603 --> 01:09:51,921 Out there, you're just another 1450 01:09:52,043 --> 01:09:55,202 mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. 1451 01:09:55,323 --> 01:09:58,162 Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. 1452 01:09:58,282 --> 01:10:00,041 Everybody decided that she was mental. 1453 01:10:00,162 --> 01:10:01,882 Because The Sun showed a picture of her 1454 01:10:02,002 --> 01:10:03,842 with wide eyes and her head on a cow. 1455 01:10:03,963 --> 01:10:06,282 l happened to find that a particularly powerful image. 1456 01:10:06,402 --> 01:10:09,081 Look. . .the Prime Minister of this country, 1457 01:10:09,202 --> 01:10:11,081 he's not a fucking Viking, is he? 1458 01:10:11,202 --> 01:10:12,681 He doesn't drink blood. 1459 01:10:12,802 --> 01:10:14,481 He doesn't go around biting tramps. 1460 01:10:14,602 --> 01:10:17,321 l know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm. 1461 01:10:17,441 --> 01:10:19,961 Unlike me, he abhors physical violence. 1462 01:10:20,082 --> 01:10:22,321 Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence? 1463 01:10:22,442 --> 01:10:24,401 We have got the fucking intelligence. 1464 01:10:24,522 --> 01:10:27,121 - l haven't seen it. - The intelligence we've got is so deep, 1465 01:10:27,241 --> 01:10:29,920 so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys. 1466 01:10:30,841 --> 01:10:32,240 Where's it coming from? 1467 01:10:32,361 --> 01:10:34,200 There is an informant. 1468 01:10:34,321 --> 01:10:35,720 lce Man. 1469 01:10:36,361 --> 01:10:37,800 lce Man? 1470 01:10:38,441 --> 01:10:41,080 l don't name them. lce Man. Yeah. 1471 01:10:41,201 --> 01:10:43,799 And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is. . . 1472 01:10:43,920 --> 01:10:45,480 l've seen it. 1473 01:10:45,600 --> 01:10:48,039 lt would make your blood run cold 1474 01:10:48,801 --> 01:10:51,879 and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings, 1475 01:10:52,000 --> 01:10:53,799 but certain box lickers 1476 01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,279 are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, 1477 01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:58,239 because the PM regards you 1478 01:10:58,360 --> 01:11:00,079 as a key player in this now. 1479 01:11:00,200 --> 01:11:03,559 Simon, the Prime Minister wants to speak to you in ten minutes. 1480 01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:05,479 He wants you to go to the UN. 1481 01:11:05,599 --> 01:11:06,479 OK. 1482 01:11:06,600 --> 01:11:08,198 See? You're on the A list now. 1483 01:11:08,319 --> 01:11:10,999 You're there in the VlP lounge. You're a fucking Kennedy. 1484 01:11:11,119 --> 01:11:12,198 Yeah, Malcolm. . . 1485 01:11:12,319 --> 01:11:14,439 You've got the gold card, the complimentary drinks, 1486 01:11:14,559 --> 01:11:15,878 the fucking hard on. 1487 01:11:15,999 --> 01:11:19,078 Show me the evidence - my bottom fucking line. 1488 01:11:19,199 --> 01:11:20,998 Don't you start, as well. 1489 01:11:24,199 --> 01:11:25,597 Should l resign? 1490 01:11:26,558 --> 01:11:30,598 l floated that l might, then l thought l wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if l did. 1491 01:11:31,719 --> 01:11:34,837 l mean, do you think, is it braver to just resign 1492 01:11:34,958 --> 01:11:36,918 and say, "No. No war"? 1493 01:11:37,878 --> 01:11:39,237 - Yes. - Or. . . 1494 01:11:39,358 --> 01:11:40,837 is it braver. . . 1495 01:11:41,998 --> 01:11:43,637 . .to say, "l don't agree", 1496 01:11:43,758 --> 01:11:45,837 and just grit my teeth and get on with it? 1497 01:11:45,958 --> 01:11:46,917 No. 1498 01:11:47,038 --> 01:11:50,437 ls the really brave thing actually doing what you don't believe? 1499 01:11:50,557 --> 01:11:51,396 No. 1500 01:11:51,517 --> 01:11:52,837 Maybe. 1501 01:11:52,958 --> 01:11:54,197 Because. . . 1502 01:11:54,318 --> 01:11:57,676 What's actually brave about doing the right thing? 1503 01:11:57,798 --> 01:11:58,676 Nothing. 1504 01:11:58,797 --> 01:12:00,716 You know, doing the wrong thing is. . . 1505 01:12:00,837 --> 01:12:02,156 is. . . is braver, 1506 01:12:02,277 --> 01:12:03,876 in a way, isn't it? 1507 01:12:04,837 --> 01:12:07,436 And wars do sometimes work. 1508 01:12:08,517 --> 01:12:09,796 That erm. . . 1509 01:12:09,917 --> 01:12:11,716 the War for lndependence. 1510 01:12:11,837 --> 01:12:14,596 You know, that worked for the Americans, didn't it? 1511 01:12:14,716 --> 01:12:16,116 And. . .erm. . . 1512 01:12:17,957 --> 01:12:19,716 The Second World War. 1513 01:12:19,837 --> 01:12:22,835 l know, it's not. . . lt wasn't a good idea, millions died. 1514 01:12:22,956 --> 01:12:24,516 No, no, l know what you mean. 1515 01:12:24,636 --> 01:12:26,835 The Crimean War. We got nurses out of that. 1516 01:12:26,956 --> 01:12:28,796 - Nurses are good. - Yes. Exactly. 1517 01:12:28,916 --> 01:12:30,875 So, right, well, no, exactly. 1518 01:12:34,276 --> 01:12:35,235 So. . . 1519 01:12:36,635 --> 01:12:38,355 You're not resigning? 1520 01:12:43,156 --> 01:12:45,674 ln the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please? 1521 01:12:45,796 --> 01:12:47,715 You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir? 1522 01:12:47,836 --> 01:12:49,154 No, l don't want. . . 1523 01:12:49,275 --> 01:12:51,594 - l want to talk about resigning. - What again? 1524 01:12:51,715 --> 01:12:53,674 Yes, but with you and not her. 1525 01:12:58,595 --> 01:13:02,433 So, the wires are all currently reporting that you're going to resign over the war. 1526 01:13:02,554 --> 01:13:04,473 What? That's not supposed to get outside. 1527 01:13:04,595 --> 01:13:08,353 Well, it is outside. lt's lurking outside, like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. 1528 01:13:09,714 --> 01:13:12,713 Do you know, if l could, l'd fucking punch you into paralysis. 1529 01:13:16,514 --> 01:13:19,073 So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, 1530 01:13:19,194 --> 01:13:20,633 Sir Jonathon Tutt. 1531 01:13:20,754 --> 01:13:23,873 Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. 1532 01:13:23,994 --> 01:13:26,032 We, sir, are in here. 1533 01:13:26,153 --> 01:13:28,912 So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. 1534 01:13:29,033 --> 01:13:31,193 You know how to do that, don't you? What do you do? 1535 01:13:31,314 --> 01:13:34,592 Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. 1536 01:13:35,714 --> 01:13:38,072 l'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. 1537 01:13:38,194 --> 01:13:40,952 l hope there's some nibbles, because l'm ravenous. 1538 01:13:42,833 --> 01:13:44,672 Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"? 1539 01:13:44,792 --> 01:13:47,872 Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension? 1540 01:13:47,993 --> 01:13:51,551 OK. Your phone is off, but there's been a catastrofuck here. 1541 01:13:51,672 --> 01:13:54,671 Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWlP PlP paper to the BBC. 1542 01:13:54,792 --> 01:13:56,511 Jesus Christ! 1543 01:13:57,513 --> 01:13:59,032 Ah, there we go. 1544 01:13:59,993 --> 01:14:03,551 l reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time. 1545 01:14:03,672 --> 01:14:07,071 That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death. 1546 01:14:07,192 --> 01:14:08,110 Hey, you ! Freeze! 1547 01:14:08,231 --> 01:14:10,590 Right. Missing you loads. PWlP PlP toodle-oo. 1548 01:14:10,711 --> 01:14:12,551 l want a fucking word with you. 1549 01:14:12,671 --> 01:14:14,231 OK, Jamie, two jobs. 1550 01:14:14,352 --> 01:14:17,990 Job one. Find the PWlP PlP leaker and kill them. Job one has two parts. 1551 01:14:18,111 --> 01:14:21,111 Job two. Go to the BBC and find out who's got it there. 1552 01:14:21,232 --> 01:14:23,711 We need them to delay till after the vote. Yeah? 1553 01:14:23,831 --> 01:14:25,150 l love you. 1554 01:14:28,991 --> 01:14:31,070 Excuse me, l need a word with you. 1555 01:14:31,191 --> 01:14:33,189 Do not move from here or l'll fucking stab you. 1556 01:14:33,311 --> 01:14:34,029 OK. 1557 01:14:34,150 --> 01:14:36,030 - Right. Was it you? - No, it wasn't. 1558 01:14:36,151 --> 01:14:36,990 No. What? 1559 01:14:37,111 --> 01:14:39,109 - You know what l'm talking about. - No. 1560 01:14:39,230 --> 01:14:40,990 And. . . And. . .whatever it was, 1561 01:14:41,111 --> 01:14:42,949 l almost certainly didn't do it. 1562 01:14:43,070 --> 01:14:44,830 - You, the baby from Eraserhead? - No, no. 1563 01:14:44,950 --> 01:14:46,629 Then it must be you, woman from The Crying Game. 1564 01:14:46,750 --> 01:14:48,029 lt wasn't me. 1565 01:14:48,150 --> 01:14:50,149 You've really got it in for me, haven't you? 1566 01:14:50,270 --> 01:14:52,829 Listen, somebody has dropped a bollock in the noodles here. 1567 01:14:52,949 --> 01:14:54,308 - And l reckon it was you. - Oh. 1568 01:14:54,430 --> 01:14:56,668 - Nice logic. - Yeah, no, that sounds possible. 1569 01:14:56,789 --> 01:14:58,428 Will you just keep your nib out? 1570 01:14:58,550 --> 01:15:00,029 Psychologically speaking. 1571 01:15:00,150 --> 01:15:02,028 - Springer spaniel head. - lt's plausible. 1572 01:15:02,149 --> 01:15:05,308 You might have built up a resentment and paid it off in some underhand way. 1573 01:15:05,429 --> 01:15:07,148 That's a thing l've observed people do. 1574 01:15:07,269 --> 01:15:08,868 Observe that. 1575 01:15:08,989 --> 01:15:11,228 - Right, Baldermort. - Bloody hell, Malcolm. 1576 01:15:11,349 --> 01:15:12,628 Excuse us. 1577 01:15:12,749 --> 01:15:14,467 We are in a new reality here. 1578 01:15:14,589 --> 01:15:15,668 - OK? - Right. 1579 01:15:15,789 --> 01:15:18,148 And l need you to speed things up. 1580 01:15:18,269 --> 01:15:19,908 OK. Speed what up, Malcolm? 1581 01:15:20,029 --> 01:15:22,307 - The debate. - Right. 1582 01:15:22,428 --> 01:15:25,627 l need you to bring it from 1 :30pm to 1 1 am. 1583 01:15:25,748 --> 01:15:29,827 Right. Let me tell you how the process works here and why that's not possible. 1584 01:15:29,949 --> 01:15:32,907 Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find yourself in the Caucuses, 1585 01:15:33,028 --> 01:15:34,427 in a Medieval fucking war zone, 1586 01:15:34,548 --> 01:15:36,987 arse in the air, trying to persuade men in balaclavas 1587 01:15:37,108 --> 01:15:40,787 that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward, OK? 1588 01:15:40,908 --> 01:15:44,067 lt cannot be done and it will not be done. There's an end to it. 1589 01:15:44,188 --> 01:15:45,626 Ok, l'll do it. Through here? 1590 01:15:45,747 --> 01:15:48,226 You will not do it because that is a breach of protocol. 1591 01:15:48,347 --> 01:15:50,026 - Well, you do it. - No, l will not do it. 1592 01:15:50,147 --> 01:15:52,307 - ln there. Do it. - l'm not dancing with you on this. 1593 01:15:52,428 --> 01:15:54,546 - Get through there and do it, now. - l'm not. 1594 01:15:55,747 --> 01:15:56,906 Right. . .well. . . 1595 01:15:57,027 --> 01:15:58,666 Erm. . .everyone, if l could just. . . 1596 01:15:58,787 --> 01:15:59,986 ls this. . . 1597 01:16:00,107 --> 01:16:01,546 Can you hear me? 1598 01:16:01,667 --> 01:16:04,626 l just wondered if we might er. . . ask for a. . . 1599 01:16:06,267 --> 01:16:07,626 . .a cheeky early vote, 1600 01:16:07,747 --> 01:16:10,025 a sort of a little bit of an adventure. 1601 01:16:10,146 --> 01:16:11,586 Yeah, we've got to plug that leak. 1602 01:16:11,706 --> 01:16:14,265 l don't know what else they've got and where's this intel? 1603 01:16:14,387 --> 01:16:17,625 Are you sure you're working as hard as me? l'm sweating spinal fluid here. 1604 01:16:17,746 --> 01:16:19,186 l'm a fucking husk. 1605 01:16:19,306 --> 01:16:20,505 Jesus. 1606 01:16:21,466 --> 01:16:24,505 - Got everything you need? - Yeah. Yeah, thanks. 1607 01:16:24,626 --> 01:16:25,665 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1608 01:16:26,306 --> 01:16:27,545 General Flintstone. 1609 01:16:28,746 --> 01:16:30,105 Was it you? 1610 01:16:30,226 --> 01:16:32,224 Did you leak PWlP PlP? 1611 01:16:32,986 --> 01:16:35,864 l mean, l know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax? 1612 01:16:35,985 --> 01:16:38,584 No, l didn't leak PWlP PlP. l do everything up front. OK? 1613 01:16:38,705 --> 01:16:41,624 Not like some creepy little gay mercenary that sneaks around 1614 01:16:41,745 --> 01:16:43,264 doing other people's dirty work. 1615 01:16:43,385 --> 01:16:44,984 Hey, l am doing my own work. 1616 01:16:45,105 --> 01:16:46,304 l'm doing my job. 1617 01:16:46,425 --> 01:16:48,344 No, you're doing Linton's dirty work. 1618 01:16:48,465 --> 01:16:50,304 You're his English bitch and you don't even know it. 1619 01:16:50,425 --> 01:16:53,343 l bet if l went into your hotel room tonight, l'd see you on all fours, 1620 01:16:53,465 --> 01:16:55,703 little fishnets on, him hanging onto the back of you. 1621 01:16:55,824 --> 01:16:57,304 Oh, that's nice, that's nice. 1622 01:16:57,425 --> 01:17:00,184 That's tough talk coming from a fucking armchair general. 1623 01:17:00,305 --> 01:17:03,023 Why don't you put your feet up on a pouf and go back to sleep? 1624 01:17:03,144 --> 01:17:06,583 Tucker, you might be a scary little poodle fucker, back there in London, 1625 01:17:06,704 --> 01:17:07,983 but here you're nothing. 1626 01:17:08,104 --> 01:17:09,823 You know what you look like? 1627 01:17:10,784 --> 01:17:12,183 A squeezed dick. 1628 01:17:12,304 --> 01:17:15,582 You've got a little blue vein running up the side of your head. 1629 01:17:15,703 --> 01:17:17,382 See, that's where l'd put the bullet. 1630 01:17:17,503 --> 01:17:21,143 But l'd have to stand back, cos you look like you'd be a squirter. 1631 01:17:21,264 --> 01:17:22,902 Have you ever, even actually. . . 1632 01:17:23,863 --> 01:17:25,502 . .killed anybody, l mean, really? 1633 01:17:25,623 --> 01:17:26,742 Yeah. 1634 01:17:27,503 --> 01:17:29,502 Falling asleep on someone. That doesn't count. 1635 01:17:29,623 --> 01:17:31,262 That's good. That's good. 1636 01:17:31,383 --> 01:17:33,542 How about you, pussy drip, ever kill anybody? 1637 01:17:33,662 --> 01:17:36,141 Maiming is what l prefer, psychologically. 1638 01:17:36,263 --> 01:17:37,781 Why don't you try to maim me? 1639 01:17:37,903 --> 01:17:40,941 l'll hit you so hard in the face, you'll be shitting teeth. 1640 01:17:41,942 --> 01:17:43,261 Go right ahead. 1641 01:17:43,383 --> 01:17:45,221 l can see the headlines right now. 1642 01:17:45,342 --> 01:17:48,821 "Peace-loving general starts fight at the UN. Swiss intervene." 1643 01:17:48,942 --> 01:17:52,501 l don't know, l'm not an expert on spin, but that could hurt your career. 1644 01:17:52,622 --> 01:17:53,461 Yeah? 1645 01:17:53,582 --> 01:17:54,741 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1646 01:17:57,622 --> 01:17:58,981 Now, do excuse me. 1647 01:17:59,102 --> 01:18:00,661 l've got work to do. 1648 01:18:02,422 --> 01:18:04,700 Don't ever call me fucking English again. 1649 01:18:08,462 --> 01:18:10,261 - Suzy, well done. 1650 01:18:10,382 --> 01:18:12,020 This is absolutely superb. 1651 01:18:12,141 --> 01:18:14,381 Hey, horse of the year, was it you? 1652 01:18:14,501 --> 01:18:16,900 - Was what me? - Answer the fucking question ! 1653 01:18:17,021 --> 01:18:18,100 Was it you? 1654 01:18:18,221 --> 01:18:21,180 Was what me, Jamie? l have no idea what you're talking about. 1655 01:18:21,301 --> 01:18:24,900 She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is. 1656 01:18:25,021 --> 01:18:26,140 You. . . 1657 01:18:26,261 --> 01:18:29,300 leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC, right? 1658 01:18:29,421 --> 01:18:32,099 Now, tell me you leaked it. 1659 01:18:33,540 --> 01:18:35,659 No, l didn't. l didn't leak it. 1660 01:18:35,781 --> 01:18:37,219 l know. . . 1661 01:18:37,340 --> 01:18:39,859 the leak came from in here. 1662 01:18:39,980 --> 01:18:41,459 From. . . 1663 01:18:41,580 --> 01:18:45,179 this fucking fax machine right here. 1664 01:18:45,300 --> 01:18:47,699 No. There's no. . . There's no way. 1665 01:18:48,699 --> 01:18:49,938 Do you see. . . 1666 01:18:50,059 --> 01:18:51,698 what l'm doing to this machine? 1667 01:18:51,820 --> 01:18:53,419 - Jamie, don't. - See? 1668 01:18:53,539 --> 01:18:54,898 Jesus Christ! 1669 01:18:55,019 --> 01:18:56,378 Fuck, Jamie. 1670 01:18:56,499 --> 01:18:59,219 You see how. . .angry l am with the. . . 1671 01:18:59,339 --> 01:19:03,898 piece of office equipment that leaked this document? 1672 01:19:04,019 --> 01:19:04,898 Huh? 1673 01:19:05,019 --> 01:19:06,178 Michael. 1674 01:19:06,299 --> 01:19:11,218 Can you even imagine how angry l am with the person who leaked it, can you? 1675 01:19:11,338 --> 01:19:14,258 - That's really. . .expensive, Jamie. - Can you, Suzy? 1676 01:19:14,378 --> 01:19:16,618 Jamie, it was me. 1677 01:19:16,739 --> 01:19:19,697 Oh, don't come over all fucking Spartacus on us now. 1678 01:19:19,818 --> 01:19:21,457 - l leaked it. - What are you doing? 1679 01:19:21,579 --> 01:19:23,377 No, hang on, hang on. For a start. . . 1680 01:19:23,499 --> 01:19:25,377 turn that fucking racket off! 1681 01:19:25,498 --> 01:19:27,537 Turn it off. - lt's just vowels. 1682 01:19:28,498 --> 01:19:31,537 Subsidised foreign fucking vowels. 1683 01:19:32,498 --> 01:19:36,016 The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form 1684 01:19:36,137 --> 01:19:38,417 to actually wear a hat that says, 1685 01:19:38,538 --> 01:19:40,337 "l went to private school." 1686 01:19:40,458 --> 01:19:41,936 So, tell me now, right. 1687 01:19:42,057 --> 01:19:44,296 - Who did you leak it to? - l just sent it. 1688 01:19:44,417 --> 01:19:46,736 l read it, l thought it was important, so l sent it. 1689 01:19:46,857 --> 01:19:49,176 Good. Fine. See that fax? 1690 01:19:49,297 --> 01:19:50,176 Yes. 1691 01:19:50,297 --> 01:19:51,856 That is your career. 1692 01:19:52,617 --> 01:19:55,696 And l think it might be fucked, but let's just check. 1693 01:19:56,657 --> 01:19:58,655 Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked. 1694 01:19:58,776 --> 01:20:00,695 Now, l hope you can play the spoons. 1695 01:20:00,816 --> 01:20:03,695 You're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer. 1696 01:20:04,816 --> 01:20:06,735 Simon? Simon. 1697 01:20:06,856 --> 01:20:09,535 Congratulations. l didn't think you had it in you. 1698 01:20:09,656 --> 01:20:10,536 Hi. 1699 01:20:10,656 --> 01:20:12,615 - This is great, Simon. - He's resigning. 1700 01:20:12,736 --> 01:20:14,735 - Have you seen it? lt's a good picture. - Oh. 1701 01:20:14,856 --> 01:20:17,134 - They're running with that? ln a very big way. 1702 01:20:17,256 --> 01:20:18,855 l didn't say that. 1703 01:20:18,976 --> 01:20:19,855 What? 1704 01:20:19,976 --> 01:20:22,055 - What? - You're not resigning? 1705 01:20:22,176 --> 01:20:24,014 Are you still playing the hawk? 1706 01:20:24,135 --> 01:20:27,294 ln a way, it's. . . l'm playing a much cleverer game than that. 1707 01:20:27,415 --> 01:20:28,574 l'm a. . . 1708 01:20:28,695 --> 01:20:30,415 l'm a fake hawk. 1709 01:20:31,376 --> 01:20:32,615 A what? 1710 01:20:33,415 --> 01:20:34,934 A fake hawk. 1711 01:20:36,415 --> 01:20:37,934 You're an idiot. 1712 01:20:38,975 --> 01:20:41,094 Or are you being a fake idiot? 1713 01:20:41,935 --> 01:20:45,933 So, we float it, anyway, tell the press that he confirmed to us he's resigning. 1714 01:20:46,055 --> 01:20:47,733 - That's what we'll do, then. - What? 1715 01:20:47,854 --> 01:20:50,414 - lt's decided, then. - Sorry. No, it bloody isn't. 1716 01:20:50,534 --> 01:20:51,893 l'm me. OK? 1717 01:20:52,014 --> 01:20:53,734 You're not me. 1718 01:20:54,695 --> 01:20:57,773 l decide about all the main things about me. 1719 01:20:57,894 --> 01:20:59,533 - Not any more. - Not you, me. 1720 01:20:59,654 --> 01:21:04,653 Simon, the only thing that we can do to influence events now is to resign. 1721 01:21:04,774 --> 01:21:06,053 That's it, OK? 1722 01:21:06,174 --> 01:21:08,692 - Sacrifice ourselves. - Like a suicide bomber? 1723 01:21:08,814 --> 01:21:12,572 No, not like suicide bomber. A suicide bomber makes a decision. 1724 01:21:20,373 --> 01:21:21,932 Are you OK? 1725 01:21:23,293 --> 01:21:25,652 l'm thinking of becoming a suicide bomber. 1726 01:21:26,573 --> 01:21:27,532 Right. 1727 01:21:28,493 --> 01:21:30,251 - Would you like a mint? - No. 1728 01:21:30,372 --> 01:21:35,092 They're really not that good for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly. 1729 01:21:35,212 --> 01:21:37,172 - lt's early. - Do you like me, Judy? 1730 01:21:39,052 --> 01:21:41,452 Well. . .you're my boss, you know. 1731 01:21:41,572 --> 01:21:43,291 But do you really like me? 1732 01:21:44,972 --> 01:21:46,371 Yeah. 1733 01:21:47,372 --> 01:21:50,250 l'll. . . l'll just leave you to your thoughts. 1734 01:21:50,372 --> 01:21:51,210 OK? 1735 01:21:51,332 --> 01:21:53,290 l haven't got any thoughts. 1736 01:21:54,892 --> 01:21:57,051 l'm just staring vacantly into space. 1737 01:21:58,091 --> 01:22:00,570 While a distant voice in the back of my head goes, 1738 01:22:00,691 --> 01:22:02,050 "Oh, shit", 1739 01:22:02,172 --> 01:22:04,570 like a car alarm, in the middle of the night. 1740 01:22:06,291 --> 01:22:08,090 Why? Has Jamie been round? 1741 01:22:08,211 --> 01:22:10,570 - Because he's. . . - This is you, isn't it? 1742 01:22:10,691 --> 01:22:14,170 Suzy, can l phone you back in a few minutes for a further bollocking? 1743 01:22:14,291 --> 01:22:15,930 l'll just deal with this one here. 1744 01:22:16,050 --> 01:22:19,130 l have got something really, really big in my career lined up for me 1745 01:22:19,251 --> 01:22:21,610 and you're going to fuck it up because of this leak. 1746 01:22:21,731 --> 01:22:23,569 What did you. . .? What would be fucked up? 1747 01:22:23,691 --> 01:22:26,049 Chad, l don't need to tell you anything. 1748 01:22:26,171 --> 01:22:27,569 l want to tell you a story. 1749 01:22:27,690 --> 01:22:29,769 When the Titanic went down, there were lifeboats. 1750 01:22:29,890 --> 01:22:33,009 They had extra room on them and there were people in the water. 1751 01:22:33,130 --> 01:22:35,889 Some people on the boats just wanted room to stretch their legs, 1752 01:22:36,010 --> 01:22:38,769 but people in the water froze and that was on their conscience. 1753 01:22:38,890 --> 01:22:41,609 You talk entirely in parables. You're like a crap Jesus. 1754 01:22:41,730 --> 01:22:44,489 Tread lightly. OK? You are fucking with the wrong person. 1755 01:22:44,609 --> 01:22:47,048 - Oh, really? - Yes. l've got this town on lockdown. 1756 01:22:47,169 --> 01:22:48,808 We're both and so. . . 1757 01:22:48,930 --> 01:22:50,569 - Fuck you all. - A common enemy. 1758 01:22:50,689 --> 01:22:51,368 Hello. 1759 01:22:51,489 --> 01:22:52,368 Hello! 1760 01:22:52,489 --> 01:22:53,888 Hello, Paul. 1761 01:22:54,009 --> 01:22:57,568 - Guess what's happened to my wall? - Could you hold on just a second? 1762 01:22:57,689 --> 01:23:00,008 The Vice President's. . . Doesn't matter. 1763 01:23:01,049 --> 01:23:02,968 Of America. Yes. That one. 1764 01:23:04,969 --> 01:23:07,808 So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. 1765 01:23:07,928 --> 01:23:09,608 Where is that intel, huh? 1766 01:23:09,728 --> 01:23:11,767 What sort of intel have you rustled up? 1767 01:23:11,888 --> 01:23:13,927 - Ah, the smoking intel? - Yeah. 1768 01:23:14,048 --> 01:23:15,847 Well, honestly, l haven't got it. 1769 01:23:15,968 --> 01:23:17,807 You haven't got it? 1770 01:23:17,928 --> 01:23:19,527 All right. OK. 1771 01:23:19,648 --> 01:23:22,966 Well, then, can you delay the vote? lt'd give you the time to get it. 1772 01:23:23,087 --> 01:23:24,647 l've just had it brought forward. 1773 01:23:27,367 --> 01:23:29,446 Sorry, l'm just erm. . .getting my mints. 1774 01:23:30,568 --> 01:23:32,846 l am telling you, delay the vote 1775 01:23:32,967 --> 01:23:38,086 and make yourself some time to get the intel, because l need it, my friend. 1776 01:23:38,207 --> 01:23:40,166 Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, 1777 01:23:40,287 --> 01:23:42,486 J Edgar Fucking Hoover, l don't work for you. 1778 01:23:42,607 --> 01:23:44,686 You don't fucking tell me what to do. 1779 01:23:44,807 --> 01:23:47,206 OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. 1780 01:23:47,327 --> 01:23:49,165 This is a sacred place. 1781 01:23:49,286 --> 01:23:52,286 Now, you may not believe that and l may not believe that, 1782 01:23:52,407 --> 01:23:54,285 but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. 1783 01:23:54,406 --> 01:23:56,285 And, secondarily, 1784 01:23:56,407 --> 01:24:00,805 l believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. 1785 01:24:02,406 --> 01:24:04,045 Take your sweeties and fuck off. 1786 01:24:05,006 --> 01:24:07,045 Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. 1787 01:24:07,166 --> 01:24:09,925 One of your guys leaks a paper. You can't do anything. 1788 01:24:10,046 --> 01:24:12,884 Huh? We tell you to get some intel. You can't do anything. 1789 01:24:13,005 --> 01:24:15,965 l need you to move the vote back. You can't do anything. 1790 01:24:16,085 --> 01:24:18,605 l am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of 1791 01:24:18,726 --> 01:24:21,085 S star-star T. 1792 01:24:22,245 --> 01:24:24,044 What the fuck do you want? 1793 01:24:24,165 --> 01:24:25,524 Erm. . .sorry, l . . . 1794 01:24:25,645 --> 01:24:29,284 l've just heard that the constituency wall has started to collapse. 1795 01:24:29,405 --> 01:24:32,604 A brick's fallen out. Well, that's the news l'm getting, at the moment. 1796 01:24:32,725 --> 01:24:34,283 There'll be more to follow. 1797 01:24:34,404 --> 01:24:36,004 News and bricks. 1798 01:24:36,125 --> 01:24:39,363 My God, that sounds important. Take care of that, Mr Tucker. Yes? 1799 01:24:39,484 --> 01:24:41,123 l think that's more your speed. 1800 01:24:41,245 --> 01:24:45,443 l can see you, with your shirt off and a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune. 1801 01:24:45,564 --> 01:24:46,923 Get on that. 1802 01:24:51,204 --> 01:24:52,643 You work for him? 1803 01:24:53,603 --> 01:24:56,082 This is very fucking complicated stuff. 1804 01:24:56,203 --> 01:24:57,923 After the vote. . . 1805 01:24:58,884 --> 01:25:00,283 . . l resign. 1806 01:25:00,404 --> 01:25:01,763 Oh, fuck off! 1807 01:25:01,883 --> 01:25:02,922 Resigning? 1808 01:25:03,044 --> 01:25:04,642 How fucking impressive! 1809 01:25:04,763 --> 01:25:08,722 Resign. The horse has bolted. lt's out there now. lt's getting fucking shot! 1810 01:25:08,843 --> 01:25:10,402 l'll see you later, Malcolm. 1811 01:25:11,883 --> 01:25:12,962 You. . . 1812 01:25:13,083 --> 01:25:14,562 You repeat. . . 1813 01:25:14,683 --> 01:25:16,962 one word of what you have heard here 1814 01:25:17,083 --> 01:25:20,442 and l'm going to fucking take your leg off. . . l'll fucking. . . 1815 01:25:22,162 --> 01:25:23,562 The shin bone. 1816 01:25:23,682 --> 01:25:27,081 l'm going to take the shin bone, l'm going to break it in two 1817 01:25:27,202 --> 01:25:31,041 and l'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it, right? 1818 01:25:31,163 --> 01:25:32,641 So, just. . . just. . . 1819 01:25:32,762 --> 01:25:34,001 go away. 1820 01:25:34,122 --> 01:25:35,521 Go away. 1821 01:25:49,161 --> 01:25:50,960 Hi. BBC News Desk, please. 1822 01:25:51,081 --> 01:25:52,640 Malcolm Tucker. 1823 01:25:53,601 --> 01:25:54,920 Hi, Ben. 1824 01:25:55,041 --> 01:25:58,600 Listen, l hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like. 1825 01:25:58,721 --> 01:26:00,040 - Yeah, please. - Ow! 1826 01:26:00,161 --> 01:26:03,840 l just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that. 1827 01:26:03,960 --> 01:26:04,840 Ow! 1828 01:26:04,961 --> 01:26:07,200 Simon Foster's constituency office wall. 1829 01:26:07,321 --> 01:26:09,159 That's what you've got, haven't you? 1830 01:26:09,281 --> 01:26:11,880 Oh, shit. l haven't let the cat out of the bag, have l? 1831 01:26:12,001 --> 01:26:15,079 Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters. 1832 01:26:15,200 --> 01:26:17,199 - Ow! - And he is gone! 1833 01:26:17,320 --> 01:26:19,359 My hand is really quite badly scalded now. 1834 01:26:19,480 --> 01:26:22,399 l know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee. 1835 01:26:22,520 --> 01:26:24,479 Oh. Right. Erm. . . 1836 01:26:26,400 --> 01:26:28,159 - lt wasn't. - lt wasn't? 1837 01:26:28,280 --> 01:26:29,439 That's what you'll say 1838 01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:33,878 when they fly you to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search? 1839 01:26:35,440 --> 01:26:37,038 l don't actually recall. 1840 01:26:37,159 --> 01:26:38,998 lt was a very busy time. 1841 01:26:39,119 --> 01:26:40,638 That's better. OK. 1842 01:26:40,759 --> 01:26:43,038 l am putting you on a probationary period 1843 01:26:43,160 --> 01:26:46,078 from today, until the end of recorded time. 1844 01:26:46,199 --> 01:26:47,998 - All right. - Do you understand? 1845 01:26:48,119 --> 01:26:49,757 - Yes. - You're my guy now. Right? 1846 01:26:49,879 --> 01:26:53,958 l own you. You are my Kunta Kinte. Go and get your fucking laptop. 1847 01:26:56,039 --> 01:26:59,478 Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy head, you are spoiling us! A word? 1848 01:26:59,599 --> 01:27:01,118 Excuse us, just for a second. 1849 01:27:01,239 --> 01:27:05,837 l'm pleased to be able to tell you that, by some huge effort on my behalf, 1850 01:27:05,958 --> 01:27:09,757 l've brought your vote forward by an hour and a half. Say "thank you". 1851 01:27:09,878 --> 01:27:12,717 - Great. Well, l need it delayed now. - Very funny. 1852 01:27:12,838 --> 01:27:14,357 By an hour, at least. 1853 01:27:14,478 --> 01:27:18,197 Well, actually, two and a half hours, now that you've brought it forward. 1854 01:27:18,317 --> 01:27:22,077 No. l will not put myself through that humiliation again. l'm just not doing it. 1855 01:27:23,357 --> 01:27:26,556 Right. What can l say? Erm. . . 1856 01:27:26,677 --> 01:27:30,116 Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. l've got good news for you. 1857 01:27:30,237 --> 01:27:33,196 You're notfired. That's great news, isn't it? 1858 01:27:33,317 --> 01:27:36,636 - Well, it sounds ominous. - We want to get Liza Weld's PWlP PlP 1859 01:27:36,757 --> 01:27:40,156 out there properly, in the public domain. 1860 01:27:40,277 --> 01:27:42,155 We just need to refine it a bit. 1861 01:27:42,276 --> 01:27:44,276 - What do you want to refine? - Just mess it up. 1862 01:27:44,396 --> 01:27:47,036 Move the paragraphs. Change the name of the main informant. 1863 01:27:47,156 --> 01:27:50,595 - Well, that's a complete fabrication. - Changing his name doesn't matter. 1864 01:27:50,716 --> 01:27:53,475 Do you think he's reallycalled lce Man? Huh? 1865 01:27:53,596 --> 01:27:56,315 "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son. . . lce." 1866 01:27:56,436 --> 01:27:59,515 - So, change it to another name. : # Sonata for Violin and Piano 1867 01:27:59,636 --> 01:28:01,634 What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle? 1868 01:28:01,755 --> 01:28:03,515 - This happens to be Debussy. - Debussy. 1869 01:28:03,636 --> 01:28:06,714 - Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then. - No, we will not! 1870 01:28:06,835 --> 01:28:09,434 Now, your prints are gonna be all over this, Michael, 1871 01:28:09,556 --> 01:28:12,194 but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck. 1872 01:28:12,315 --> 01:28:14,034 - Don't make me do this. - lt wasn't him. 1873 01:28:14,155 --> 01:28:17,794 Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine. 1874 01:28:17,915 --> 01:28:19,714 - lt could have been anyone. - Fax machine? 1875 01:28:19,835 --> 01:28:22,794 Ah, no! Don't worry about that. 1876 01:28:22,915 --> 01:28:24,914 No, l made that up. 1877 01:28:25,035 --> 01:28:27,354 No, the document was leaked by e-mail. 1878 01:28:27,475 --> 01:28:30,234 lt's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick. 1879 01:28:30,355 --> 01:28:32,554 Come on, Thick White Duke! 1880 01:28:32,674 --> 01:28:35,073 - Don't shout at. . . - Come with me. 1881 01:28:35,195 --> 01:28:37,913 Right, OK. ls it up? Have you got it up? 1882 01:28:38,034 --> 01:28:39,513 Yeah, it's all fine. 1883 01:28:39,634 --> 01:28:41,953 OK. Cut the top paragraph and paste it into page 5. 1884 01:28:42,074 --> 01:28:43,393 Right, yeah, we've done it. 1885 01:28:43,514 --> 01:28:45,793 Page 6 - get rid of the footnotes. 1886 01:28:45,913 --> 01:28:46,993 Done. 1887 01:28:47,114 --> 01:28:49,352 - Go to page 9. - Go to page 9. 1888 01:28:49,473 --> 01:28:52,193 Highlight from that page to the end of the document. 1889 01:28:52,314 --> 01:28:54,872 - Go on, do it. - The caveats? 1890 01:28:54,993 --> 01:28:57,472 - OK. Delete. - Right, OK, we're doing it. Delete it. 1891 01:28:57,593 --> 01:29:01,072 You can't delete the arguments against the war. 1892 01:29:01,193 --> 01:29:04,632 Oh. There's a shake of the head here, Malc. l think he's crashed. 1893 01:29:04,753 --> 01:29:06,352 Give him a thump - that usually works. 1894 01:29:06,473 --> 01:29:08,352 Let me try a wee bit of manual override. 1895 01:29:08,473 --> 01:29:12,312 Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war. 1896 01:29:12,433 --> 01:29:15,072 Hey! You coulddelete it, after all. lt's done. 1897 01:29:15,193 --> 01:29:17,112 Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail. 1898 01:29:17,232 --> 01:29:18,672 Yes, done it. Done it. 1899 01:29:18,793 --> 01:29:20,631 Let's find a printer. 1900 01:29:20,752 --> 01:29:23,231 - Right. - The Japanese. They'll have a printer. 1901 01:29:24,192 --> 01:29:26,551 - Well, we can't just present it like this. - No, we can't. 1902 01:29:26,672 --> 01:29:28,711 Go and get me a blue folder. 1903 01:29:28,832 --> 01:29:30,831 - Well, OK. Where from? - l don't know. 1904 01:29:30,952 --> 01:29:34,870 l've never been in a fucking stationery cupboard. l do my shagging in hotels. 1905 01:29:34,992 --> 01:29:36,950 Just take out all the conditionals. 1906 01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:41,470 Like, "might" becomes. . . lnstead of "might have found", "have found". OK? 1907 01:29:45,351 --> 01:29:48,030 Be audacious. Just re-write the whole damn thing. 1908 01:29:49,271 --> 01:29:50,230 Ohh. . . 1909 01:29:50,351 --> 01:29:52,790 Declarative sentences - that's what l want. 1910 01:29:52,911 --> 01:29:54,710 - Take 'em all out. - Linton, come here. 1911 01:29:54,831 --> 01:29:57,470 - What is it? - The intel your guys couldn't find. 1912 01:29:57,591 --> 01:29:59,549 Yeah? 1913 01:30:03,030 --> 01:30:07,429 l think that l am owed a massive, grovelling apology. 1914 01:30:07,550 --> 01:30:10,269 Congratulations, huh? 1915 01:30:10,390 --> 01:30:12,349 Maybe they'll give you a knighthood. 1916 01:30:13,310 --> 01:30:14,909 A pleasure doing business with you. 1917 01:30:15,030 --> 01:30:17,788 You know, l've come across a lot of psychos. . . 1918 01:30:17,910 --> 01:30:21,029 but none as fucking boring as you. 1919 01:30:21,150 --> 01:30:24,069 l mean, you are a real, boring fuck. 1920 01:30:24,190 --> 01:30:27,388 - Sorry. l know you dislike swearing. - No, that's all right. 1921 01:30:27,510 --> 01:30:33,628 So, l'll sort that out. You are a boring F star-star cunt. 1922 01:30:37,069 --> 01:30:39,468 - Are we pretty much. . . - Everything as you requested. 1923 01:30:39,589 --> 01:30:41,908 Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza. 1924 01:30:43,069 --> 01:30:45,428 l will make this brief and to the point. 1925 01:30:45,549 --> 01:30:48,827 We're gonna go in, we're going to state our case, 1926 01:30:48,948 --> 01:30:52,227 with new British intelligence from source Debussy, 1927 01:30:52,348 --> 01:30:55,027 we win the argument, we get the hell out. All right? 1928 01:30:55,148 --> 01:30:59,067 Resolution 2238 is passed. 1929 01:31:00,028 --> 01:31:02,267 - Yeah. That's that, then. 1930 01:31:03,268 --> 01:31:04,146 Yeah? 1931 01:31:04,268 --> 01:31:07,186 Jolly good. "That's that, then," is your line for the ages, is it? 1932 01:31:07,307 --> 01:31:08,627 What? 1933 01:31:09,667 --> 01:31:12,146 Well, l remember, the day that war was declared, 1934 01:31:12,267 --> 01:31:15,026 l turned to the Minister, and he said. . . 1935 01:31:15,147 --> 01:31:18,387 "That's that, then. Anyone want a mint?" 1936 01:31:18,507 --> 01:31:20,466 Piss off, Toby. 1937 01:31:22,147 --> 01:31:25,146 - How long before British troops... Well done, Michael. 1938 01:31:25,267 --> 01:31:28,466 You did a really, really, really good job. 1939 01:31:29,467 --> 01:31:31,346 Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry. 1940 01:31:33,786 --> 01:31:36,866 l e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. 1941 01:31:36,986 --> 01:31:40,545 And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact. 1942 01:31:40,666 --> 01:31:42,305 - l've been thinking. - Yeah? 1943 01:31:43,866 --> 01:31:46,625 This has been the hardest political decision of my career. 1944 01:31:47,586 --> 01:31:49,825 l'm not going to resign. 1945 01:31:49,945 --> 01:31:52,785 Huh ! What the fuck, George? 1946 01:31:52,906 --> 01:31:54,825 Before the war, l was going to resign, 1947 01:31:54,946 --> 01:31:58,864 but now that there's a war on. . . l can't resign. 1948 01:31:58,986 --> 01:32:02,504 You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together. 1949 01:32:02,625 --> 01:32:05,584 lt is intolerable, but l'm going to have to tolerate it. 1950 01:32:05,706 --> 01:32:08,464 And l still agree with myself on that. 1951 01:32:08,585 --> 01:32:11,024 But my loyalty is to the kids. l am a soldier. 1952 01:32:11,145 --> 01:32:13,024 You're not a soldier. 1953 01:32:14,265 --> 01:32:16,423 - l've been a soldier my whole life. - Yeah? 1954 01:32:16,545 --> 01:32:18,704 What do you mean, l'm not a soldier? l'm a soldier. 1955 01:32:18,825 --> 01:32:21,424 Look at the uniform - you think l'm one of the Village People? 1956 01:32:21,544 --> 01:32:24,303 When did you shoot a guy last? 1957 01:32:24,424 --> 01:32:27,023 Oh, not shooting someone in 1 5 years means l'm not a soldier? 1958 01:32:27,144 --> 01:32:30,104 You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bloody corpse 1959 01:32:30,224 --> 01:32:33,503 into the Pentagon every five years, to renew your "soldier's licence". 1960 01:32:33,624 --> 01:32:37,542 lt's unnecessary! And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls! 1961 01:32:37,664 --> 01:32:40,223 Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around. 1962 01:32:40,344 --> 01:32:42,622 You've got no idea where my balls have been. 1963 01:32:42,743 --> 01:32:45,583 l can talk about your balls all you want, cos l remember when. . . 1964 01:32:45,704 --> 01:32:48,822 Oh, l fucked you once 20 years ago, and l never hear the end of it! 1965 01:32:48,943 --> 01:32:52,782 Every time we're together, l hear this shit. l don't even remember it! 1966 01:32:52,903 --> 01:32:55,582 Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements. 1967 01:32:55,703 --> 01:32:58,742 Actually, l think l might stay with the General, if that's OK. 1968 01:32:58,863 --> 01:33:02,542 lf he's staying, l might stay with him, see what assistance l can furnish. 1969 01:33:02,662 --> 01:33:06,061 OK. . .General Shrek and his faithful, talking donkey. 1970 01:33:06,183 --> 01:33:08,342 - That was nice. - OK, well done. 1971 01:33:08,463 --> 01:33:11,181 - What are you sticking around for? - Well, to let you know 1972 01:33:11,302 --> 01:33:13,261 that l think you've got. . . 1973 01:33:14,263 --> 01:33:15,981 . .big balls. . . 1974 01:33:16,102 --> 01:33:20,141 - lt's like. . .two-thirds of the snowman. - Dear God. 1975 01:33:21,982 --> 01:33:23,900 - We did it, Bob, huh? - Yes, we did, sir. 1976 01:33:24,021 --> 01:33:26,301 There were a few moments where it got a little hairy. 1977 01:33:26,422 --> 01:33:27,821 No, there weren't. 1978 01:33:30,422 --> 01:33:32,420 No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen. 1979 01:33:32,541 --> 01:33:34,900 Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look. No, no, no. 1980 01:33:37,941 --> 01:33:40,700 - You still don't need to resign. - l do. 1981 01:33:40,821 --> 01:33:42,620 l'm resigning in an hour, 1982 01:33:42,741 --> 01:33:45,460 and there's nothing you can do about it now. 1983 01:33:45,581 --> 01:33:47,580 - Boss. . . Yes? 1984 01:33:47,701 --> 01:33:50,540 Erm. . . it's all over the BBC News websites. 1985 01:33:50,660 --> 01:33:53,740 Partial collapse of the wall. Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse. 1986 01:33:53,861 --> 01:33:55,540 Obviously, a pane's been smashed. 1987 01:33:55,661 --> 01:33:57,939 The BBC must have had a crew down there. 1988 01:33:58,060 --> 01:34:00,340 God, how ridiculous! 1989 01:34:00,460 --> 01:34:02,419 And that's news? 1990 01:34:03,420 --> 01:34:05,299 lt's not ridiculous. 1991 01:34:05,420 --> 01:34:08,699 lt's not ridiculous at all. . . You're fired. 1992 01:34:09,740 --> 01:34:11,579 What? 1993 01:34:11,700 --> 01:34:14,898 Over the wall - l mean, that's just not tolerable. 1994 01:34:15,020 --> 01:34:17,899 lt's a fucking wall, Malcolm. 1995 01:34:18,020 --> 01:34:19,698 Look. Give me the paper. 1996 01:34:19,820 --> 01:34:23,939 The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China, 1997 01:34:24,059 --> 01:34:27,018 suggesting you are the only political fuck-up visible from space. 1998 01:34:27,139 --> 01:34:29,498 Look at this. Look at it. 1999 01:34:29,619 --> 01:34:31,578 No-one could survive this. 2000 01:34:32,499 --> 01:34:35,978 The PM's very clear about this. You're sacked - over the wall. 2001 01:34:36,099 --> 01:34:38,097 - No. - Yes! 2002 01:34:38,218 --> 01:34:41,977 No. You-You-You haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister. 2003 01:34:42,098 --> 01:34:43,337 l-l-l have. 2004 01:34:43,458 --> 01:34:46,057 You fucking haven't! l've been here in front of you. 2005 01:34:46,178 --> 01:34:50,097 l have spoken to the PM. Whether it happenedor not is irrelevant. lt is true. 2006 01:34:50,218 --> 01:34:53,617 And he was very clear - you've got to go. 2007 01:34:56,138 --> 01:34:57,817 Ha! 2008 01:34:59,578 --> 01:35:01,777 lf you think l'm going quietly, Malcolm. . . 2009 01:35:03,538 --> 01:35:05,416 . .you've. . . you've made a mistake. 2010 01:35:05,537 --> 01:35:08,536 Well, if you want to turn this into some anti-war protest, 2011 01:35:08,657 --> 01:35:12,456 expect to hear your "mountain of conflict" sound-bite everywhere. 2012 01:35:12,577 --> 01:35:16,696 From ring-tones to fucking. . . a dance mix on YouTube. 2013 01:35:16,817 --> 01:35:21,695 And l will marshal all the media forces of darkness, 2014 01:35:21,817 --> 01:35:24,055 to hound you to an assisted suicide. 2015 01:35:25,256 --> 01:35:28,616 Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your. . . "Dear Prime Minster, 2016 01:35:28,736 --> 01:35:32,415 Just a quick note to say, 'Thanks for giving me the sack,"' letter. 2017 01:35:34,336 --> 01:35:36,375 Off we trot. 2018 01:35:36,496 --> 01:35:38,455 Come on, young Simon. 2019 01:35:49,175 --> 01:35:52,495 Erm. . .General Miller. . .sorry. l know this is an awkward time to be. . . 2020 01:35:52,615 --> 01:35:54,614 Go fuck yourself, Frodo. 2021 01:35:54,735 --> 01:35:56,534 OK. 2022 01:35:56,655 --> 01:35:58,734 : You can fuck off yourself, then. 2023 01:36:04,975 --> 01:36:08,014 - Are you hanging, Chad? - Just. . . hanging. 2024 01:36:08,135 --> 01:36:11,414 - Wanna play some Facebook chess? - Yes, ma'am. 2025 01:36:11,535 --> 01:36:13,813 Just get away from the wall ! What are you doing? 2026 01:36:13,934 --> 01:36:15,493 l just want a photo near the wall. 2027 01:36:15,614 --> 01:36:19,373 Yeah, you can go back another 1 2 inches. No, a bit further. 2028 01:36:19,494 --> 01:36:21,773 - There? - Stop there! 2029 01:36:21,894 --> 01:36:23,533 Check. 2030 01:36:23,654 --> 01:36:25,533 l haven't touched it. 2031 01:36:25,654 --> 01:36:29,453 l made a move for you, which is the best move possible, and it's still. . . 2032 01:36:29,573 --> 01:36:32,653 You might be Secretary of State someday, young man. 2033 01:36:33,494 --> 01:36:35,652 You. . . Don't say that if you don't mean that. 2034 01:36:35,773 --> 01:36:40,612 When, you know, all of this shit is over, maybe, you know. . . 2035 01:36:40,733 --> 01:36:43,972 You're a woman. . . l'm not a woman. 2036 01:36:46,533 --> 01:36:48,412 You wanna have sex again? 2037 01:36:49,452 --> 01:36:51,772 Well, would it be such a terrible idea? 2038 01:36:51,893 --> 01:36:53,851 You know - one more. 2039 01:36:53,973 --> 01:36:56,132 "One more for the Gipper." 2040 01:36:56,253 --> 01:36:59,012 Well, l don't want to be accused of micro-managing, 2041 01:36:59,133 --> 01:37:03,091 but l cannot understand why "l Heart Huckabees" 2042 01:37:03,212 --> 01:37:07,812 is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. 2043 01:37:07,932 --> 01:37:13,091 That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops. 2044 01:37:13,212 --> 01:37:16,490 l've got a selection of the quotations here for you. 2045 01:37:16,611 --> 01:37:19,851 l mean, they're all local building firms. Much of a muchness. 2046 01:37:19,972 --> 01:37:22,171 You know, to sort out the boundary wall. 2047 01:37:22,291 --> 01:37:25,290 But the. . . this septic tank. . . 2048 01:37:25,411 --> 01:37:28,050 That is rearing its pooey head again. 2049 01:37:28,171 --> 01:37:28,970 Yes. 2050 01:37:29,091 --> 01:37:32,730 l just got off the phone with Linton, who proceeded to bitch me out, 2051 01:37:32,851 --> 01:37:36,489 for allowing "l Heart Huckabees" on the troops' DVD roster. 2052 01:37:36,611 --> 01:37:39,810 Yeah. You know that phrase, "l'm too old for this shit"? 2053 01:37:39,930 --> 01:37:42,090 Well, l'm too young for this shit. You know? 2054 01:37:42,211 --> 01:37:45,250 Here's the new Minister. - Malcolm ! 2055 01:37:45,371 --> 01:37:47,209 - There she is. - Ladies and gentlemen. 2056 01:37:47,330 --> 01:37:50,050 - Look at you ! - Thank you. Thank you. How touching. 2057 01:37:50,171 --> 01:37:52,569 - Minister, how are you doing? - Very well indeed. 2058 01:37:52,690 --> 01:37:55,329 - You've lost some weight. - Hello. Judy Molloy. 2059 01:37:55,450 --> 01:37:59,289 - Nice to meet you. This is Dan. - Danny. Dan. Special Advisor. 2060 01:37:59,410 --> 01:38:01,649 - Danny Dan? - War seems to be going great guns. 2061 01:38:01,770 --> 01:38:05,048 - Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky. - Judy, have l got a desk out here? 2062 01:38:05,169 --> 01:38:08,608 - Careful. There's blood on the deck. - Er. . .yeah, sure. You can use that one. 2063 01:38:08,729 --> 01:38:12,368 How about this? You can't get better than this. Very glamorous. 2064 01:38:12,489 --> 01:38:15,328 lt's a side-step from my previous job, but that's fine. 2065 01:38:15,449 --> 01:38:17,848 l think there's a wee bit of brains there. 2066 01:38:17,969 --> 01:38:19,848 lt's the only brains that he had, actually. 2067 01:38:19,969 --> 01:38:22,208 Nice to meet you, Dan. Where did you go to school? 2068 01:38:22,329 --> 01:38:25,327 - Erm. . .just a school in Jersey. - ln Jersey? 2069 01:38:25,448 --> 01:38:27,128 - ls that actually Britain? - Yeah. 2070 01:38:27,248 --> 01:38:30,847 l'm sorry, but l've been standing here for 20 minutes. . . 2071 01:41:05,962 --> 01:41:07,840 Let's see you. 2072 01:41:07,961 --> 01:41:12,640 Look at the hair on this. Who let this woman out with fucking hair like this, 2073 01:41:12,761 --> 01:41:14,840 on national television? 2074 01:41:14,961 --> 01:41:18,560 You'd think she's got her finger stuck in a fucking electric socket. 2075 01:41:18,681 --> 01:41:20,320 Unbelievable.