1 00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:14,950 MALL SANTA: oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle. 2 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:19,318 And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren. 3 00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,686 All right. Merry Christmas! 4 00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:23,417 - Who's next? - Santa! 5 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,154 Kumar, no! Merry-- 6 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,957 WOMAN: Back cf the line, tech support! 7 00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,964 - Is this a joke? KUMAR: Hold the fuck on. 8 00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:32,763 Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute. 9 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,234 [ALL GASP] 10 00:01:34,694 --> 00:01:37,937 - What do you want for Christmas? KUMAR: That's a really good question. 11 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,668 - Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. - Done. 12 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:40,937 - And a DeLorean. - Yes. 13 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,478 Wu-Tang to get back together. 14 00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:44,046 I'll tell the elves. 15 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:45,808 This is just for my stockings. 16 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:47,110 - For my present-- - Hey! 17 00:01:47,474 --> 00:01:49,818 Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay? 18 00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:52,013 You get it. Merry Christmas, Santa. 19 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:53,452 - Ooh. Bang. - Oh! 20 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:56,825 Right in the sugar plums. 21 00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,821 Okay. On the menu today, we have: 22 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:02,632 Winter Wonder Weed. 23 00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:05,960 We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer. 24 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,400 Oh, it's a Weederful Life. 25 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,836 God, does everything have to be about Christmas? 26 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:11,703 Hey, some people like the holidays. 27 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,813 I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me cut. 28 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,142 KUMAR: What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout." 29 00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:19,544 A little more expensive. 30 00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,344 This is like Duvalier Dank from October. 31 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,011 - I'll take it. - Oh. Hello, gentlemen. 32 00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,520 KUMAR: Mm. 33 00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:26,923 - Shit. - What? 34 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,718 You have anything to smoke cut cf? 35 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,233 [COUGHS] 36 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,265 PROTESTERS [CHANTING]: Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 37 00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:13,460 Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 38 00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:15,264 KENNETH: Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here. 39 00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:19,465 Wait... 40 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:20,838 ...more protesters? 41 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,014 Do they really think we care what poor people think? 42 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,274 Kenneth, it's Christmas. 43 00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:27,917 They're out of work. You'd be upset too. 44 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,951 Let's see haw you did on your assignment. 45 00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:33,386 I think I found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law. 46 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:36,356 And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased. 47 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:38,754 Ow. 48 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,591 Oh, my God. 49 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:41,424 Hi. 50 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,067 This is a Sharp... 51 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,294 ...52" Aquos Quattron TV... 52 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:48,098 ...with state-cf-the-art 3D technology... 53 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:50,366 ...that makes Avatar lock Avatar-ded. 54 00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:53,340 I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by now? 55 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:55,001 Mr. Lee, you don't understand. 56 00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,977 This is the best 3D you've ever seen. 57 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:58,843 It's gonna be amazing! 58 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,614 Who are you looking at? 59 00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:08,950 Mr. Lee! 60 00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,792 Want me to call you a cab... 61 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,793 ...a town car, a limo? it's not safe... 62 00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,795 ...cut there. - No, thanks, Kenneth. 63 00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:16,831 I get a buddy picking me up. 64 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,961 One more thing! Merry Christmas to you... 65 00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:21,605 ...Harold, and Happy New Year! 66 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:22,637 Hey, over there. 67 00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:23,773 We get another one. 68 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,536 Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them. 69 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,177 Hey... 70 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:31,008 ...angry protesters! I just get a huge Christmas bonus... 71 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,116 ...so you can suck my rich, yellow... 72 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:33,978 ...dick! 73 00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:46,159 [YELLS] 74 00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:47,690 Get him! 75 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:48,730 [PROTESTERS CLAMORING] 76 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:55,332 [GRUNTING] 77 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:02,707 [SCREAMING] 78 00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:10,945 [WHIMPERING] 79 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:21,193 HAROLD: Dude! 80 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:22,697 Open the door! 81 00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:24,658 Unh. Thank God you're here. 82 00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:27,460 I thought those hippies were gonna kill you. 83 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,670 Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo! 84 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,207 Just drive. Todd, drive. 85 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,342 No, no, no! No, no, no! 86 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,036 Oh, great. 87 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,647 Now we're getting tinkled on. 88 00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:39,806 -It's just urine. it'll wash cut. - Oh, Harry. 89 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,350 Tinkle on the windshield is the grossest thing... 90 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:44,112 ...that has ever happened to me. 91 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,113 Ugh. 92 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,226 [RETCHES] 93 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,058 It smells like shit in here. 94 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:08,740 Hey... 95 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,605 ...neighbor. - Hey, man. 96 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:11,305 All right. 97 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,680 Check it. Remember that hot virgin I met on the internet? Get this: 98 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,249 She wants me... 99 00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:17,945 ...to deflower her. 100 00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:19,646 Tonight. Christmas Eve. 101 00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:22,258 At a party she's throwing in Manhattan. Best part: 102 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:24,395 - You're coming with me. - No can do, man. 103 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,690 I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high. 104 00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,128 Why not ask your roommate? 105 00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:31,768 Because you're the best. I don't wanna go with him. 106 00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:34,962 I already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas... 107 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:36,801 ...with his stupid girlfriend. 108 00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:39,906 Mm. This is what happens. They get a girlfriend... 109 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,943 ...then they get married... 110 00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:44,047 ...then you never hear from them again. 111 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:47,440 Fuck it, I'm in. 112 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:48,749 Yes. 113 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:54,388 TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this. 114 00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:57,161 Well, Harry. Harry. 115 00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:58,624 You have outdone yourself. 116 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,162 HAROLD: If you knew Maria's dad... 117 00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,026 ...you'd pull out all the stops too. 118 00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:04,190 Has not accepted you as part cf the family? 119 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:08,430 No, not yet. But he's a huge fan cf Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees... 120 00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:10,232 ...all the work, he appreciates it. 121 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:11,466 Oh, so smart. 122 00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,304 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 123 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:14,843 Oh. Jinx. 124 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,948 You always do that. You keep doing it. it's crazy. 125 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,414 Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you. 126 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:21,716 Or both. 127 00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:24,646 Maria! 128 00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,389 Oh, hi there. Somebody's lacking... 129 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,153 ...uh, very merry today. 130 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,193 Somebody is also... 131 00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,262 ...ovulating. 132 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:36,027 Um ... 133 00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:40,269 Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though. Honestly, that's-- 134 00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:43,270 - Baby. Then let's get to it. - Oh! 135 00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:45,170 Because when they get here... 136 00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:49,370 ...we are going to have no private time. 137 00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:51,014 I don't know if we should. 138 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:53,616 Now, came on and fuck a baby into me. 139 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,809 Okay, I will. 140 00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,180 [HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES] 141 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,154 Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha. 142 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,317 If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get. 143 00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:05,455 [DOORBELL RINGS] 144 00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:06,786 BOTH: Shit. 145 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:10,798 Ga. Ga. 146 00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:13,536 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 147 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,203 Be cool. 148 00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:20,871 Carlos, Merry Christmas. 149 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,837 Hello, Harold. 150 00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:27,080 You made the drive in record time. Didn't speed, did you? 151 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,414 [GULPS] 152 00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,479 Empanadas? 153 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:34,919 Where's Maria? 154 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:35,889 HAROLD: She's upstairs... 155 00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:37,391 ...getting ready. 156 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:38,824 Can I get you a beer? 157 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,191 What the hell is that? 158 00:08:42,488 --> 00:08:45,332 HAROLD: She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha. 159 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:46,902 This is cur Christmas tree. 160 00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:48,197 Is it fake? 161 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,130 It's faux, actually. 162 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:51,866 You celebrating real Christmas... 163 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,669 ...or a faux Christmas? 164 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:54,743 Real Christmas? 165 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:55,470 MARIA: Daddy. 166 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:56,945 Daddy! 167 00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:58,210 God. 168 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,372 MARIA: I've missed you! 169 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,244 [MARIA GASPs] 170 00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:01,913 And the whale family... 171 00:09:02,074 --> 00:09:03,018 ...is here. 172 00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:03,949 [MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 173 00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:05,284 Hi... 174 00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,479 ...everybody! 175 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:07,750 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] 176 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,320 Oh, God. 177 00:09:11,584 --> 00:09:13,257 Oh. I guess Timo... 178 00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:14,420 ...made parole. 179 00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,260 Uh, not exactly. 180 00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:18,993 Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody! 181 00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,466 [CHUCKLES] 182 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,297 You take it. 183 00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:24,771 You people are real good with those things. 184 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,240 HAROLD: it's just the weekend. 185 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,012 It's just the weekend. 186 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,913 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Has this ever happened to you? 187 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,315 This stupid waffle's stuck. 188 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,112 [GRUNTING] 189 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,416 MOM: Oh, my God! Billy! 190 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,786 - Heh-heh-heh. MOM: George, call 911! 191 00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:42,949 This is fucked up. 192 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:44,059 NARRATOR: How about this? 193 00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:45,855 [GIRL SCREAMS] 194 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,494 Well, it doesn't have to any more. 195 00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,793 Introducing WaffleBot. 196 00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:52,993 BOTH: WaffleBot! 197 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,964 NARRATOR: Just pop the top, let that batter drop... 198 00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,006 ...and WaffleBot does the rest. 199 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,968 Make every breakfast a Bot-fast. 200 00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,174 BOTH: Thanks, WaffleBot! 201 00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,145 WAFFLEBOT: I love you. 202 00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:07,340 NARRATOR: Get the Christmas... 203 00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:09,577 ...toy of the season while they're hot. 204 00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:11,350 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 205 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,185 KUMAR: I'm busy, Adrian! Go away! 206 00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,893 VANESSA: Kumar! it's Vanessa. 207 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,624 Hey. Locks like somebody missed me. 208 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:22,496 Come on in. 209 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:24,999 Since when do you have a beard? 210 00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:28,104 I actually have not shaved since you left. Pretty romantic. 211 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,604 Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. 212 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,801 VANESSA: When's the last time you cleaned? 213 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,808 Like three months ago. 214 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,037 Less romantic? 215 00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,510 Little bit, yeah. 216 00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:40,014 I'm sorry, where are my manners? Here. Here. 217 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:40,912 Oh, no, no, no. 218 00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:42,518 No, I shouldn't. 219 00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:43,676 Of course you should. 220 00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:45,550 Kumar, I really need to talk to you. 221 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:48,955 I'm pregnant. 222 00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,059 [COUGHS] 223 00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,490 You're pregnant? 224 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:52,887 We-- 225 00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,156 We practiced safe sex. 226 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,162 [SCOFFS] 227 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,301 I mean, I pulled cut and came on your back. 228 00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:58,730 A couple squeaks get by... 229 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,837 ...but is that all it takes? - Yes. 230 00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,735 That's all. No wonder you flunked out of med school. 231 00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:06,433 I didn't flunk cut cf med school. I failed a drug test. 232 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,736 How do I even know... 233 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,004 ...that the baby's mine? 234 00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:11,511 I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up. 235 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,214 Nice. 236 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:15,375 What do you want to do about it? 237 00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:16,713 All right, um ... 238 00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:19,051 [CHUCKLING] 239 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,623 This is the part where the kid's tongue... 240 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,095 ...gets stuck to a pale. Ha, ha. 241 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,562 Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry. 242 00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:36,002 Um, are we having a conversation right now, or are you watching A Christmas Story? 243 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:37,766 Bath. No. 244 00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:40,308 - I mean-- - You know what? I knew you... 245 00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:42,275 ...couldn't handle this. - I'm sorry. 246 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,539 I'm really high. 247 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,946 This is not about you being high. This is about you being immature. 248 00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:49,279 It's why I couldn't stay here any more. 249 00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,580 You are perfectly fine creating a mess... 250 00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:54,057 ...but when it comes to cleaning one up... 251 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,692 ...you're MIA. 252 00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:56,952 Give me a half hour... 253 00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:58,186 ...to saber up. 254 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,859 Fuck. 255 00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:03,790 [CHATTERING] 256 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:07,737 Dad, you good? You need a drink or--? No? Okay. 257 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:08,894 [M R. PEREZ GROWLS] 258 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,874 - Maria. I love you. - Ha, ha. 259 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,271 Glad your family's here. 260 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:16,504 I'm just wondering... 261 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:20,481 ...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas party with all these extra guests. 262 00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,641 We'll make it work. We have plenty cf room. 263 00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:24,351 Okay. 264 00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:25,352 I'm sorry. 265 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,990 I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you. 266 00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:28,352 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 267 00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:29,584 Harold. 268 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,524 Hey, speaking cf guests... 269 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,891 ...are you sure you don't wanna invite Kumar? 270 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,699 Kumar? You kidding me? I haven't seen that guy in years. 271 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:38,699 MARIA: Kumar has been... 272 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,702 ...your friend for a lang time. - It is perfectly normal. 273 00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:44,603 People lose half their friends every seven years. 274 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,471 It's not like I don't have friends. 275 00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:49,272 - Todd? Yeah, he's a Int cf fun. - At least he doesn't... 276 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,574 ...create a disaster everywhere he goes. 277 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:53,307 [IN SPANISH] 278 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:54,473 Ah, okay. 279 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,181 [IN SPANISH] 280 00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,447 [ALL GASP] 281 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,550 Rosetta Stone. 282 00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:04,694 A lifesaver. 283 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,968 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 284 00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:16,132 KUMAR: Be right there! 285 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,482 Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long. 286 00:13:32,077 --> 00:13:33,283 [GRUNTS] 287 00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:34,890 Maybe we can-- 288 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,021 Are you sure we have to... 289 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,185 ...throw it cut? - This tree is a cancer. 290 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:41,729 We have to get rid cf it before it kills Christmas. 291 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,364 Very intense wording. 292 00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:45,724 [WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 293 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:51,535 MARIA: Wow! Oh, my God. 294 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,836 I can't believe you brought the tree. Ha-ha-ha. 295 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,107 Am I missing something? 296 00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:58,441 Every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew. 297 00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:00,515 - Oh. MR. PEREZ: Twelve-fact Fraser fir. 298 00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:02,911 Lock at the branch distribution. 299 00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:03,746 Oh, I see. 300 00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,013 Hey, hey! 301 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,983 She's very delicate. 302 00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:09,422 I've been growing her for eight years. 303 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:13,688 Eight years, wow. I never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal. 304 00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,089 Oh, God. 305 00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:17,529 Not a big deal? 306 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,863 Let me tell you a story, Harold. 307 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,698 Growing up in Medellin... 308 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:25,331 ...my family was too poor to celebrate Christmas properly. 309 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:28,000 Every year I would pray to God: 310 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:32,616 "Please, let me wake up and find a big, beautiful Christmas tree." 311 00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:34,250 And every Christmas... 312 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,709 ...I was heartbroken. 313 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,914 When my mother finally moved me to America... 314 00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:41,888 ...she promised me we would have... 315 00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:45,786 ...a Christmas tree every Christmas from then on. 316 00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:50,127 But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work... 317 00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,132 ...she was violently attacked... 318 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,293 ...by a gang cf Korean punks. 319 00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,064 [GRUNTS] 320 00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:08,881 They stabbed her multiple times. She bled to death. 321 00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,145 So I guess... 322 00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:13,984 ...you could say, yes, a Christmas tree is a big deal. 323 00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:15,317 Oh, my God. 324 00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:19,229 -[WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me? -[MOUTHS] Pm sorry. 325 00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:21,593 Pepe! Where are the ornaments? 326 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,357 I don't know. 327 00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:23,795 My eyes are all fucked up. 328 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:26,994 You can't celebrate Christmas with a naked tree! it's indecent! 329 00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,035 Maria, forget about midnight Mass. 330 00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,071 Tonight, we're decorating the tree. 331 00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:33,608 Oh, Daddy, I wanted to spend tonight in the city... 332 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,972 ...with you guys. 333 00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:36,272 Wait. 334 00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,579 I get this. 335 00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:42,852 I'll take care cf the tree. You have a family night in Manhattan. 336 00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:44,812 No. No, no, no. 337 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:46,820 We brought the tree all the way dawn. 338 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:49,084 It has to lack perfect on Christmas morning. 339 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:53,754 Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what you want and I'll take care cf it. 340 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:56,195 When you came back, the tree will be decorated. 341 00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:59,666 This house, I promise you, is gonna be perfect. 342 00:16:00,492 --> 00:16:02,062 [MARIA CHUCKLES] 343 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:12,245 ADRIAN: Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight? Her name is Mary. 344 00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:14,509 As in the Virgin Mary. How great is that? 345 00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:16,243 What did Vanessa do to suck... 346 00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:17,853 ...the life cut cf you... 347 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:18,988 ...this afternoon? 348 00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:23,222 I don't have anyone else to confide in. I might as well tell you. Uh ... 349 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:24,893 Vanessa's pregnan-- 350 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:25,858 A queefer. 351 00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,929 - What? - I knew it. 352 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:31,591 I used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex. 353 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:34,738 It was ridiculous. I used to call her Queen Laqueefa. 354 00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,540 When was the last time you saw this guy? 355 00:16:37,796 --> 00:16:39,605 - Two years ago. - Sc... 356 00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:43,042 ...why are we dropping off this package? You said this guy was a chode. 357 00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:46,216 He is, all right? I just-- I don't want his shit in my place. 358 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:51,478 KUMAR: Sure this is the right address? 359 00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:55,648 Whoa. Locks like your ex-boyf's moving up in the world. Heh. 360 00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,623 I guess. 361 00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:00,457 I'll be right back. I'm just gonna drop this off. 362 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:19,580 [GRUNTS THEN GROANING] 363 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,079 Fuck! 364 00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:28,987 Kumar? 365 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,194 Hello, Harold. 366 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,525 - Hey. - Hey. 367 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,667 - Hey. - I was-- 368 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:40,064 - How are you? Good to see you. -oh, hey. 369 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,494 - How you doing? - Good to see you too. Good. 370 00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:47,007 You got a package that came for you at the apartment. So I was dropping it off. 371 00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:49,508 Oh. Okay, cool. 372 00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,110 You lack terrific. You lose weight? 373 00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:55,809 No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually. This is a really nice house. 374 00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:58,945 No. You know. 375 00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:02,750 Dc you want to came in for a drink... 376 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,087 ...or something? 377 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,353 Um ... 378 00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,928 [ON RADIO] Christmas, Christmas 379 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,122 Dc you not have time? 380 00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:11,290 - Oh. - Oh. 381 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,866 - Came in, came in. Come in. Come on. - Sure. 382 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,537 Watch your step, it's icy there. 383 00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,140 Eggnog? Empanadas? 384 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:24,838 Uh ... Sure. Yeah. 385 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:28,041 Hey, this place is, like, not shitty. 386 00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:30,244 Oh. Thank you. Yeah. 387 00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:34,619 Bay window is brand-new, actually. We just put that in last week. 388 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,283 The sconces are new. Sconces are actually brand-new. 389 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:42,792 Yeah, I was gonna say, it lacks like you guys get some awesome sconces. 390 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,096 Thank you. That's very sweet cf you. 391 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,567 So, what's up with this package? 392 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,840 HAROLD: My name and your address. That's weird. 393 00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:52,669 I haven't lived there for so long. 394 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,401 I know. That's strange. 395 00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:57,374 HAROLD: Whoa. 396 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,184 Ooh. 397 00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:06,279 HAROLD: What the hell is this? 398 00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,482 That's a gigantic joint. What do you think? 399 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:09,889 HAROLD: IS this a joke? 400 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,120 - No. I swear. - Did you do this? 401 00:19:12,284 --> 00:19:14,161 Had I known, I would have smoked it. 402 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:15,961 Is there a--? 403 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:17,664 No return address. 404 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,997 I don't even see any stamps on this. 405 00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:22,833 What are you doing? 406 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:23,769 Getting not low. 407 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,306 No smoking in this house. 408 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:27,705 What? What douche came up with that rule? 409 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,669 HAROLD: This douche did. 410 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,280 That was good shit. 411 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,183 HAROLD: I don't care, okay? 412 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,551 I don't smoke any more. 413 00:19:41,713 --> 00:19:43,192 - What? - I just felt... 414 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,259 ...that a Int cf times when I get high... 415 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,556 ...things would go really wrong. Sc... 416 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:50,723 But, Harold, weed is so good. 417 00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,197 It gets you high. 418 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,927 I get nothing against weed, okay? 419 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:56,698 Had plenty of fun times with weed. But I'm an adult now. 420 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,843 And frankly, I'm kind cf glad that the craziness is behind me. 421 00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:02,069 Dc you smell something burning? 422 00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:04,503 BOTH: Oh, Shit! 423 00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:06,238 KUMAR: Oh, Shit. - Shit. 424 00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:07,677 Shit! 425 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,019 It's spreading. it's spreading! 426 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:11,483 Here. 427 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,645 Bah, bah, bah! Not the throw pillows! 428 00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:14,950 Seriously? 429 00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,085 I did it anyway! 430 00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:20,525 HAROLD: What the fuck?! 431 00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:27,432 Shit! 432 00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:28,765 HAROLD: Maria's dad will kill me! 433 00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:29,735 Stop yelling! 434 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,841 We gotta get rid cf this tree! 435 00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:33,566 Okay. 436 00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:48,788 That's why you gotta buy those faux trees. They last forever. 437 00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:50,620 [PANTING] 438 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,124 Calm dawn. It's just a Christmas tree. 439 00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:54,389 "Just a Christmas tree"? 440 00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,755 Maria's dad grew that tree... 441 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,367 ...and new it is dead. 442 00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:01,834 Koreans have killed his mother, and new this tree. Christmas is ruined. 443 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,234 Christmas isn't ruined. 444 00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,272 Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas. 445 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,001 They're gonna came home from Mass and expect to see... 446 00:21:08,166 --> 00:21:10,703 ...a decorated tree, but they are gonna see that. 447 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,774 Dude, you're overreacting. There's plenty cf tree lots. 448 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,317 We'll drive around till we find the right tree. 449 00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:17,816 We're not gonna do anything. 450 00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:21,782 You know what? Um, this is my fault. 451 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,188 I take full responsibility. Please leave. 452 00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:26,488 I will take care cf this. Thank you. 453 00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,529 - I don't mind helping cut-- - I get it. 454 00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:30,294 - We have a van-- - I get it. 455 00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:34,063 Okay. You get it. 456 00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,672 - You need anything, just give me-- - Merry Christmas. 457 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,437 Merry Christmas, Harold. 458 00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:47,212 What the fuck tack so long? 459 00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,908 Nothing. Let's just go. 460 00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:52,578 You never told me Harold was Asian. I always pictured an old white guy. 461 00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:01,259 TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery. Give me all your friendship. 462 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:02,865 Oh, wow, lack at that. 463 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:05,160 You know, it's kind cf better than a window. 464 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,326 It's like a stained-glass window cf paper. 465 00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:08,664 Any luck with the tree? 466 00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,103 - Oh, you brought Ava. - Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava. 467 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:12,970 Il's "3D." 468 00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:13,666 Hmm? 469 00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:14,833 Daddy-Daughter Day. 470 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,002 You can't back cut cf Daddy-Daughter Day... 471 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,775 ...because Emma says that leads to abandonment issues... 472 00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:22,441 ...and then stripping and meth and biker boyfriend. 473 00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:23,779 - All had things. - Ah. 474 00:22:23,942 --> 00:22:26,013 - The tree, though. - Yes, so I called-- 475 00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,020 [BABY CRYING] 476 00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,090 Oh, here it goes. Here it goes. 477 00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:31,591 [SINGING] The itsy bitsy spider 478 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:32,956 Crawled up the water spout 479 00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:34,529 They say that singing is... 480 00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,791 ...the best way to communicate with a child. 481 00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:38,263 I guess I haven't found... 482 00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:39,959 ...the right song for her yet. 483 00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:42,002 that's too bad. Uh, the tree? 484 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,231 The tree. Right. Sc I called them. 485 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:45,807 They had one 12-fact fir left. 486 00:22:46,732 --> 00:22:48,302 - And I reserved it. - You get it? 487 00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:51,311 - Yeah. - Yes! You should have led off with that. 488 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,177 I know. I don't know why I didn't. 489 00:22:53,338 --> 00:22:55,147 - Okay, good. Let's go. -Whoo! 490 00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:56,251 You know. 491 00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:57,648 Okay. Next time. 492 00:23:02,848 --> 00:23:04,054 Now, before this party... 493 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,856 ...we get to talk about your game. - Aw, dude, turn in there! 494 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,024 Really? A tree farm? 495 00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:14,502 "Best selection"... 496 00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:15,330 ...my ass. 497 00:23:15,494 --> 00:23:17,701 It's Christmas Eve, okay? What do you expect? 498 00:23:17,863 --> 00:23:19,069 KUMAR: If I was a tree farmer... 499 00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:21,939 ...I'd be embarrassed. These trees are ghetto. 500 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:23,238 What the fuck that mean? 501 00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:24,670 [LATRELL CHUCKLES] 502 00:23:24,836 --> 00:23:27,282 He's just playing. How you doing? I'm Latrell. 503 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:29,014 Hello. Kumar. 504 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:30,812 This is my partner in crime, Lamar. 505 00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:32,785 - So you two own this tree lot? LAMAR: What? 506 00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:36,619 A couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swing from them like monkeys? 507 00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:40,127 What? No! Of course not. You could do both. 508 00:23:40,285 --> 00:23:41,787 - What? - What? 509 00:23:41,953 --> 00:23:43,955 My boy here gets cagey during the holidays. 510 00:23:44,122 --> 00:23:46,068 - You know? - Word. Word. 511 00:23:46,691 --> 00:23:49,729 If you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work. 512 00:23:49,895 --> 00:23:52,808 - Ooh. How much is that? LATRELL: That tree? Sorry. 513 00:23:52,964 --> 00:23:54,272 Just get reserved. 514 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,276 I really need it. I'll pay double. 515 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,812 LAMAR: Oh, I got you now. 516 00:23:57,969 --> 00:24:00,381 You think you can buy the black man's soul. 517 00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:02,576 Like we some Wayne Brady-ass niggers, right? 518 00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:03,579 Triple. 519 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,285 I'll get the rape. 520 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:09,893 Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city? 521 00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:12,392 KUMAR: Just hold on a second, all right? 522 00:24:12,551 --> 00:24:13,825 I see what you're doing. 523 00:24:13,985 --> 00:24:15,293 Forget about her. 524 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,762 - Think about me. - All right. 525 00:24:16,922 --> 00:24:20,392 Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin. 526 00:24:20,892 --> 00:24:21,996 Yeah. 527 00:24:24,996 --> 00:24:26,304 We get another customer. 528 00:24:27,866 --> 00:24:29,777 Can I play angry black guy this time? 529 00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:31,642 Aw, came on. You just played it. 530 00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,146 And I get triple the money. 531 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,182 Come on, please? Come on! 532 00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:36,341 TODD [SINGING]: Three French hens 533 00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:37,612 HAROLD: Would you stop? 534 00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:38,754 TODD: I wish I could stop 535 00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:40,150 Sorry, I'm trying my best 536 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,416 Hi. You guys in charge? 537 00:24:42,714 --> 00:24:46,457 Yeah. What the fuck is it to you, motherfucker? 538 00:24:46,618 --> 00:24:47,790 Gat's coming out 539 00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:49,330 That was so good. Ha, ha. 540 00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,866 We're just here to pick up a tree that we reserved. 541 00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:53,161 - We called. LATRELL: Oh, yeah? 542 00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:55,931 We just sold your little punk-ass tree, bitch! 543 00:24:56,094 --> 00:24:57,038 HAROLD: What? You sold it? 544 00:24:57,195 --> 00:24:57,798 Tc who? 545 00:24:57,963 --> 00:24:59,772 Those white bays over there. 546 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:03,271 Fuck! 547 00:25:03,435 --> 00:25:04,175 Hey. 548 00:25:04,402 --> 00:25:05,676 TODD: Aah! Where are we going? 549 00:25:06,104 --> 00:25:08,880 HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them, they'll sell the tree to us. 550 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:09,882 TODD: Good idea! 551 00:25:11,943 --> 00:25:12,546 LATRELL: I'm sorry. 552 00:25:12,711 --> 00:25:14,691 - You Inst your gangsta grill. - I know. 553 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,156 - How you gonna be a gangsta? - I'm not one. 554 00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:20,125 - I gotta wear those tomorrow. - I know. 555 00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:22,625 - You know I love you, right? - I think you do. 556 00:25:22,787 --> 00:25:25,028 - I don't know why, but I love you. - Thank you. 557 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,568 TODD: Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down... 558 00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:29,603 ...because we get precious cargo... 559 00:25:29,761 --> 00:25:31,741 ...and it is very icy cut there. 560 00:25:31,897 --> 00:25:34,844 - What? I don't see any ice. - You've never heard cf black ice? 561 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,038 It's like the worst ice there is. Black ice, it's everywhere. 562 00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,342 Relax. I can feel the road. It's not that bad. 563 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,212 Yo, slow down, man. 564 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:46,481 - You're going a little fast. - I gotta get to this party ASAP. 565 00:25:46,645 --> 00:25:49,057 Pussy's not like yogurt. It has an expiration date. 566 00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:50,818 Yogurt has an expiration date. 567 00:25:50,982 --> 00:25:53,826 Does it? Damn it. Okay. That explains a lot. 568 00:25:53,985 --> 00:25:55,658 It was really sour. 569 00:25:55,820 --> 00:25:57,857 But yogurt is sour, so haw was I to know? 570 00:25:58,490 --> 00:26:00,333 Are you really hat? I'm, like, hot... 571 00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:01,732 ...but I'm cold-- Hello? 572 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,236 You're not lacking at me. 573 00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:05,466 I should lack at the road and you lack at me. 574 00:26:05,630 --> 00:26:06,802 -It's opposite. - Watch cut! 575 00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:08,100 ADRIAN: Ow, cw. 576 00:26:08,266 --> 00:26:09,108 [BOTH SCREAMING] 577 00:26:10,936 --> 00:26:11,880 Holy shit! 578 00:26:12,037 --> 00:26:12,674 TODD: Black ice! 579 00:26:12,837 --> 00:26:13,907 Black ice! it's real! 580 00:26:14,372 --> 00:26:15,680 ADRIAN: oh, sum 581 00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:17,319 Oh, my God! 582 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:19,110 Don't just scream! 583 00:26:19,311 --> 00:26:20,415 You're just screaming! 584 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:21,523 That's not helpful! 585 00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:24,425 Oh, sum 586 00:26:33,525 --> 00:26:34,435 Holy shit! 587 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:35,571 Oh, Harry, stop! 588 00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:39,207 ADRIAN: Aw ... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp. 589 00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:44,235 Oh, my ass. 590 00:26:44,402 --> 00:26:48,373 I am so going to tweet about that. Heh-heh-heh. 591 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,577 You guys all right? How are you alive? 592 00:26:51,142 --> 00:26:51,916 Harold? 593 00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:53,379 Kumar? 594 00:26:53,645 --> 00:26:55,989 That was you at the tree farm? You tack my tree? 595 00:26:56,848 --> 00:26:59,055 - Sc you killed two trees in one night. KUMAR: Hold on. 596 00:26:59,217 --> 00:27:01,128 That is a perfectly salvageable tree. 597 00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:03,057 [YELLS] 598 00:27:04,255 --> 00:27:06,565 That was a perfectly salvageable tree. 599 00:27:06,725 --> 00:27:10,764 That was the only 12-fact Fraser fir left in the fucking state. 600 00:27:10,929 --> 00:27:11,669 Fuck your tree! 601 00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:12,900 What about my car? 602 00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:14,270 I get a virgin to fuck! 603 00:27:14,432 --> 00:27:15,877 Who is this? Who is Glasses? 604 00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:17,945 Heh. Nice, Harry. 605 00:27:18,503 --> 00:27:20,744 - This is my friend, Adrian. HAROLD: Oh. 606 00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:22,140 He's young. 607 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:23,843 - Thank you. - Don't respond to him. 608 00:27:24,009 --> 00:27:25,488 TODD: Why the H... 609 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,248 ...did you F-wads... 610 00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:31,451 ...take the tree that we had specifically called and reserved? 611 00:27:31,616 --> 00:27:32,788 Who is this toolbox? 612 00:27:32,951 --> 00:27:34,931 This is my friend, Todd. 613 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:37,123 Oh, yeah? What kind cf friend? Best friend? 614 00:27:37,288 --> 00:27:40,428 - I wouldn't say best" Yes. - Yeah. Yep. Besties. 615 00:27:41,192 --> 00:27:42,262 That's awesome. 616 00:27:42,427 --> 00:27:43,531 Buddy. 617 00:27:43,695 --> 00:27:44,901 Homey. 618 00:27:45,463 --> 00:27:46,703 This was fun. But I got... 619 00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:48,276 ...a hat date in the city. 620 00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:49,605 You have to take me. 621 00:27:49,768 --> 00:27:50,769 What? No. 622 00:27:50,935 --> 00:27:53,882 - We're not taking you anywhere. - Not going through any tunnels. 623 00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:56,679 Dude, you are not depriving me cf this: 624 00:27:56,841 --> 00:28:00,118 Hey, Adrian. I can't wait to finally meet you. 625 00:28:00,278 --> 00:28:02,849 I'm going to rock your world. 626 00:28:03,915 --> 00:28:04,689 I promise... 627 00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:06,419 ...it will be worth the wait. 628 00:28:09,487 --> 00:28:10,795 Wait, lack at this fir. 629 00:28:10,955 --> 00:28:12,866 I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved. 630 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,298 Shut up. The tree. 631 00:28:14,459 --> 00:28:15,904 It's like Maria's dad's tree. 632 00:28:16,061 --> 00:28:18,302 -It's magnificent. ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal. 633 00:28:18,463 --> 00:28:20,568 Take me to the party, I get you that tree. 634 00:28:20,732 --> 00:28:22,177 No. it's already very late. 635 00:28:22,333 --> 00:28:23,573 Shut the fuck up, Todd! 636 00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:25,180 This doesn't concern you! 637 00:28:25,336 --> 00:28:27,338 - Easy. - He can not-- He is not allow-- 638 00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:29,212 HAROLD: Hey. Calm dawn. Calm dawn. 639 00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:32,355 I'm running cut cf time. I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m. 640 00:28:32,510 --> 00:28:34,421 Work with me. Listen. 641 00:28:34,579 --> 00:28:35,887 I'm not driving for nothing. 642 00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:38,152 Make sure we can get the tree, you get a deal. 643 00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:38,987 Done. 644 00:28:40,151 --> 00:28:40,891 Hey, douche? 645 00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:41,621 Yeah? 646 00:28:41,786 --> 00:28:42,321 Shotgun. 647 00:28:42,487 --> 00:28:43,227 Oh. 648 00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:44,693 Scr-- 649 00:28:44,856 --> 00:28:46,335 S you. S you. 650 00:28:48,693 --> 00:28:49,694 --Sn? 651 00:28:49,861 --> 00:28:51,363 -"S you"? -"Screw you. " 652 00:28:51,529 --> 00:28:52,974 - Oh, right. TODD: Screw you! 653 00:28:54,966 --> 00:28:57,173 "Harry"? Gotta be kidding me. 654 00:28:59,237 --> 00:29:00,147 The tree is removable? 655 00:29:00,305 --> 00:29:02,251 OPERATOR: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. 656 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:05,149 - Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good. - Pf ease hang up-- 657 00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:06,288 We can have the tree? 658 00:29:06,444 --> 00:29:07,445 She said it? 659 00:29:07,612 --> 00:29:08,716 She said that, yes. 660 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,082 - Great. Let's go. - Okay. 661 00:29:13,351 --> 00:29:16,423 What is he doing? What is he doing? 662 00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:17,998 What are you doing? 663 00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:19,264 What? 664 00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:20,698 My daughters in there! 665 00:29:20,859 --> 00:29:21,428 What? 666 00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:23,903 - Oh, shit! HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar? 667 00:29:24,062 --> 00:29:25,097 I didn't see her. 668 00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:26,469 You get my baby high! 669 00:29:26,631 --> 00:29:28,440 HAROLD: You get his baby high. 670 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:29,772 Hold on a second. 671 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:33,404 Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed. Don't you know anything? 672 00:29:33,571 --> 00:29:34,777 [GIGGLING] 673 00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:36,278 TODD: Okay, great. 674 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:38,318 Now she has the giggles. 675 00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:40,351 - Sorry. TODD: If Emma finds cut... 676 00:29:40,512 --> 00:29:41,547 ...we won't be able... 677 00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:42,953 ...to came to the party. 678 00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:44,021 What party? 679 00:29:44,582 --> 00:29:45,959 Oh, it's just a work... 680 00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:47,095 ...Christmas party... 681 00:29:47,252 --> 00:29:48,458 ...kind cf thing. 682 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:49,223 Right, Todd? 683 00:29:49,387 --> 00:29:50,866 Yeah. it's gonna be... 684 00:29:51,022 --> 00:29:52,057 ...classic. 685 00:29:52,223 --> 00:29:52,894 [YELLING] 686 00:29:53,057 --> 00:29:55,333 Okay, great. Now she's having a had trip. 687 00:29:55,527 --> 00:29:56,665 HAROLD: Try singing again. 688 00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,068 It never works. 689 00:29:58,229 --> 00:29:59,765 - Hey. Hey. HAROLD: What are you doing? 690 00:30:01,099 --> 00:30:01,770 Hey. 691 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,911 [RAPPING] If you want beef] then bring the ruckus 692 00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:05,514 Wu- Tang Clan ain't 693 00:30:05,670 --> 00:30:06,740 Nothin' to fuck with 694 00:30:06,905 --> 00:30:07,849 Straight from 695 00:30:08,006 --> 00:30:09,747 The motherfucking slums that's busted 696 00:30:09,908 --> 00:30:11,444 Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with 697 00:30:11,609 --> 00:30:12,417 Ahh. 698 00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:16,186 Dude, you baby-whispered her. 699 00:30:16,614 --> 00:30:18,184 TODD: I do not care for the language... 700 00:30:18,349 --> 00:30:19,692 ...but that was impressive. 701 00:30:19,851 --> 00:30:20,989 What singing group... 702 00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:22,631 ...is that? - The Wu-Tang Clan. 703 00:30:22,787 --> 00:30:24,698 The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band? 704 00:30:24,856 --> 00:30:26,529 Wu-Tang Clan, Todd. 705 00:30:26,691 --> 00:30:27,328 TODD: Harry. 706 00:30:27,492 --> 00:30:29,972 When did you turn into Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert? 707 00:30:30,128 --> 00:30:31,607 KUMAR: There's a Int you don't know... 708 00:30:31,763 --> 00:30:32,571 ...about Harry, huh? 709 00:30:32,797 --> 00:30:33,935 TODD: Excuse me? 710 00:30:34,098 --> 00:30:35,941 - Was that directed to me? KUMAR: Yeah, douche. 711 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:37,511 Okay. Taken. 712 00:30:38,870 --> 00:30:40,816 I get the munchies. 713 00:30:40,972 --> 00:30:41,916 TODD: Now we have to... 714 00:30:42,073 --> 00:30:44,349 ...stop and get some disgusting food for her. 715 00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:47,388 Sc she can came down from her trip. Fantastic. 716 00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:12,208 Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach. 717 00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:13,371 - What? - What? 718 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,576 It's just this lie I sort cf get caught in. 719 00:31:16,741 --> 00:31:19,221 Also, I told her you work for the White House. 720 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:20,981 Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that. 721 00:31:21,145 --> 00:31:21,953 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 722 00:31:22,113 --> 00:31:22,921 [CHATTERING] 723 00:31:23,081 --> 00:31:24,219 [BIG BOI'S "DADDY FAT SAX" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 724 00:31:25,917 --> 00:31:27,396 If is I, [he B-I-G, [he B-O-I 725 00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:29,589 TODD: Well, I spy with my little eye... 726 00:31:29,754 --> 00:31:32,667 ...three felonies that I can see in this room right now. 727 00:31:32,824 --> 00:31:33,666 Four. 728 00:31:34,192 --> 00:31:36,900 That's it. That's cur tree. it's perfect. 729 00:31:37,195 --> 00:31:38,868 -It's better than the photograph. - Ha, ha. 730 00:31:39,030 --> 00:31:40,031 HAROLD: it's perfect. 731 00:31:40,198 --> 00:31:40,801 Hey, Glasses. 732 00:31:40,965 --> 00:31:44,071 - Find the girl, get the tree. Come on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 733 00:31:45,536 --> 00:31:46,844 Yo, yo, yo! 734 00:31:47,171 --> 00:31:49,276 What it is, pimp, player... 735 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:50,248 ...etcetera? 736 00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,820 - What's up? Where's Mary? TEEN: I don't know... 737 00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:55,753 ...dude, but if I was you, I would steer clear. 738 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:57,894 Does she have a tail or something? What? 739 00:31:58,049 --> 00:32:01,326 Don't listen to these guys. It takes balls to do what you're doing. 740 00:32:01,486 --> 00:32:02,487 You're freaking me cut. 741 00:32:02,654 --> 00:32:04,258 - What is wrong with her? TEENS: Ha-ha-ha. 742 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:06,026 MARY: Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you? 743 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,546 Wow, you lack just like... 744 00:32:25,710 --> 00:32:26,745 ...your profile pic. 745 00:32:26,911 --> 00:32:28,413 You lack better. Hi. 746 00:32:28,579 --> 00:32:30,923 You're hot, girl. 747 00:32:31,082 --> 00:32:32,254 Thank you. 748 00:32:33,084 --> 00:32:36,224 So do you, like, want to see my room? 749 00:32:36,387 --> 00:32:37,923 Hey, hey. What about the tree? 750 00:32:38,089 --> 00:32:38,965 I'll get it. 751 00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:42,104 Just give me a minute, all right, man? Probably less. Heh. 752 00:32:42,260 --> 00:32:43,466 But hopefully more. Heh. 753 00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:44,936 [WHISPERS] Probably less. 754 00:32:45,096 --> 00:32:46,302 You awe me a tree, punk. 755 00:32:47,332 --> 00:32:48,606 [BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES] 756 00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:50,677 Ugh. Ugh. 757 00:32:50,835 --> 00:32:53,338 Oh, great. Great. This is just great. 758 00:32:53,504 --> 00:32:56,110 - I've get to find a place to change a diaper. -oh, God. 759 00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:59,983 Unless, cf course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams would like to help with some poopy? 760 00:33:00,144 --> 00:33:01,145 Wu-Tang, dude. 761 00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:02,120 Woo-hoo. 762 00:33:03,414 --> 00:33:05,451 Your little friend better get me a tree. 763 00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:07,592 I'm sorry about him, dude. I-- 764 00:33:09,854 --> 00:33:11,162 BORIS: Hey, grandpa! 765 00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:13,029 - Toss it back. KUMAR: Wm: you calling... 766 00:33:13,191 --> 00:33:15,296 ...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30. 767 00:33:15,460 --> 00:33:17,167 Wanna start? I'll kick your ass... 768 00:33:17,328 --> 00:33:18,329 ...right now. 769 00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:19,600 Karate Kid style. 770 00:33:19,764 --> 00:33:20,401 KUMAR: Really? 771 00:33:20,565 --> 00:33:22,374 Which Karate Kid are you referring to? 772 00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:26,709 There's only one Karate Kid and it stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith. 773 00:33:26,871 --> 00:33:27,872 What? 774 00:33:28,039 --> 00:33:29,609 Generation Z, here's your ball. 775 00:33:30,975 --> 00:33:34,218 Who invited these fucking losers? 776 00:33:34,379 --> 00:33:36,222 Listen, we're friends cf Mary, okay? 777 00:33:36,381 --> 00:33:39,191 She promised us we could have that tree. Okay? Thank you. 778 00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:40,158 What? 779 00:33:40,318 --> 00:33:42,127 Fuck that! I don't care... 780 00:33:42,286 --> 00:33:45,165 ...what my sister said. I'm not letting you take cur tree. 781 00:33:45,323 --> 00:33:47,166 Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain. 782 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:48,463 HAROLD: Come on. 783 00:33:48,626 --> 00:33:51,197 We're here to pick up the tree, then we're cut cf here. 784 00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:52,636 It's a bit cf an emergency. 785 00:33:52,797 --> 00:33:54,902 Tell you what, we'll play you for it. 786 00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:56,141 If you beat us... 787 00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:57,404 ...you get the tree. 788 00:33:57,568 --> 00:34:01,812 If we beat you, we kick your asses out and take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha. 789 00:34:01,973 --> 00:34:04,579 I'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pang? 790 00:34:04,776 --> 00:34:07,347 Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys haven't heard cf it before. 791 00:34:07,512 --> 00:34:08,286 KUMAR: Oh, no, no. 792 00:34:08,446 --> 00:34:09,982 We've heard cf it, dude. Yeah. 793 00:34:10,148 --> 00:34:12,651 Except, see, in cur day, it was called Beirut. 794 00:34:12,817 --> 00:34:14,728 And we didn't have the rollback rule... 795 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:16,365 ...like you pussies have today. 796 00:34:16,521 --> 00:34:20,901 I remember the day they announced the rule. Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it. 797 00:34:21,359 --> 00:34:23,134 You remind me a Int cf that guy... 798 00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:24,864 ...except you're shorter. 799 00:34:25,029 --> 00:34:26,372 And he had pubes. 800 00:34:26,631 --> 00:34:27,905 Oh, my God. I'm so excited. 801 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:29,904 All my other friends... 802 00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:31,843 ...Inst their virginity in 7th grade. 803 00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:33,505 I can't believe it's happening. 804 00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:37,050 What's the deal? Why isn't everybody at school trying to sleep with you? 805 00:34:37,208 --> 00:34:39,848 Are you kidding? No guy at school will even touch me. 806 00:34:40,244 --> 00:34:41,120 Why won't they? 807 00:34:41,479 --> 00:34:42,958 Probably because they're scared. 808 00:34:43,114 --> 00:34:44,855 Well, I don't get scared. 809 00:34:45,016 --> 00:34:47,189 Scared cf-- What are they scared cf, though? 810 00:34:47,351 --> 00:34:48,887 Hey! Enough talk. 811 00:34:52,523 --> 00:34:53,297 Gonna hit this? 812 00:34:53,458 --> 00:34:55,233 Yes. I Will. Hit it. 813 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:59,408 Aah. it's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh. 814 00:34:59,564 --> 00:35:01,544 - What? - Never mind. Heh. 815 00:35:01,699 --> 00:35:03,736 Forget it. Heh. 816 00:35:05,837 --> 00:35:08,784 Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed. Daddy is gonna get you-- 817 00:35:09,140 --> 00:35:11,142 Aah! Okay, I need this room... 818 00:35:11,309 --> 00:35:14,518 ...for a serious diaper situation. So I will ask you to stop... 819 00:35:14,679 --> 00:35:17,421 ...doing that. - Smush that pussy! Unh! 820 00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:18,320 Smush my pussy! 821 00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:19,257 GUY: I'm coming! 822 00:35:19,417 --> 00:35:21,055 - Oh, my God. GUY: Oh, I'm coming! 823 00:35:21,419 --> 00:35:23,365 Baby, blow me. 824 00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:25,999 Ugh. 825 00:35:28,926 --> 00:35:29,836 [HAROLD GRUNTS] 826 00:35:30,194 --> 00:35:31,798 A boom batta, these pockets... 827 00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:32,907 ...getting fatter. 828 00:35:33,064 --> 00:35:33,701 You guys... 829 00:35:33,865 --> 00:35:35,173 ...got nothing on me. 830 00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:38,277 Dude, I need this tree. 831 00:35:39,003 --> 00:35:39,879 I know. 832 00:35:40,037 --> 00:35:42,677 - We hit this, we win. BORIS: No matter. There's no way... 833 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,252 ...you sinking this ball. Not in my house. 834 00:35:45,409 --> 00:35:47,446 Shut this motherfucker up, would you? 835 00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,088 - Time. - What? 836 00:35:56,521 --> 00:35:58,262 Show him the old "Roldy Roll." 837 00:35:58,422 --> 00:36:00,868 It's too risky. I haven't done that in forever. 838 00:36:01,025 --> 00:36:03,596 No, dude, came on. You get this. Feel it. 839 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,338 [WHISPERS] Hello, old friend. 840 00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:16,280 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Clear. 841 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,138 [CROWD CHEERING] 842 00:36:38,229 --> 00:36:39,401 We won! 843 00:36:39,564 --> 00:36:41,134 Who are those guys? 844 00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:44,178 I don't know, but they're fucking studs. 845 00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:48,975 [ADRIAN MOANS] 846 00:36:49,907 --> 00:36:53,980 I know this is your first time, so I'm gonna be extra gentle. 847 00:36:58,282 --> 00:36:59,022 Who's that? 848 00:36:59,517 --> 00:37:00,928 Oh, that's just my dad. 849 00:37:02,653 --> 00:37:03,723 Why does he lock... 850 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:04,923 ...so familiar? 851 00:37:14,599 --> 00:37:15,771 [GROANING] 852 00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:24,045 [LAUGHING] 853 00:37:29,380 --> 00:37:30,984 [GRUNTING] 854 00:37:42,193 --> 00:37:45,367 That's not good. No. 855 00:37:45,529 --> 00:37:47,531 Hey, are we gonna do this or what? 856 00:37:47,698 --> 00:37:49,871 Yeah, we are, but your dad is Sergei Katsov? Heh. 857 00:37:50,401 --> 00:37:52,938 Not again. Oh, my God. This happens every goddamn time. 858 00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:53,946 No, no, no. 859 00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:55,049 Give your dick. 860 00:37:55,206 --> 00:37:56,844 Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa. 861 00:37:57,008 --> 00:37:57,884 Wait, I almost get it. 862 00:37:58,042 --> 00:38:00,545 It really hurts. You're digging your nails into it! Aah! 863 00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:03,089 Are you going soft on me? 864 00:38:03,247 --> 00:38:04,123 Uh-uh. 865 00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:05,761 You better not go soft on me! 866 00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:07,418 I'm not, it's just hard. 867 00:38:07,585 --> 00:38:09,064 Aah! And it really, really hurts. 868 00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:11,131 Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah! 869 00:38:11,589 --> 00:38:12,624 Sc haw do we do this? 870 00:38:13,224 --> 00:38:15,500 KUMAR: There's gotta be a freight elevator or something. 871 00:38:15,693 --> 00:38:18,537 - We take the ornaments off, or...? -We could. 872 00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:22,838 Hey, guys. I just wanted to say that was an epic match. 873 00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:24,740 - Good win. - Thanks, kid. 874 00:38:24,902 --> 00:38:26,472 I'm sorry I was such a dick... 875 00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:29,117 ...to you guys. I thought you were old assholes. 876 00:38:29,940 --> 00:38:30,918 But real talk... 877 00:38:31,075 --> 00:38:33,578 ...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers. 878 00:38:33,744 --> 00:38:36,418 - Thanks. - No, no. Come on. Don't. 879 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:39,857 Relay, the kid is acknowledging the error of his ways. Respect that. 880 00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,932 Come on, man, it's Christmas. 881 00:38:44,255 --> 00:38:45,529 Thanks, kid. 882 00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:47,167 - All right. - Cheers. 883 00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:48,827 HAROLD: Cheers. - Cheers. 884 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,870 Mm. It's good. 885 00:38:52,029 --> 00:38:55,841 Why don't you guys just sit down and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you. 886 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,274 - Thank you. - Thanks, man. 887 00:38:57,435 --> 00:38:58,470 Appreciate it. 888 00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:02,373 Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine! 889 00:39:02,973 --> 00:39:03,747 Have you kids... 890 00:39:03,908 --> 00:39:06,548 ...never seen VH1's Behind the Music? 891 00:39:06,977 --> 00:39:07,887 Dc you not know... 892 00:39:08,045 --> 00:39:12,118 ...what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you? 893 00:39:12,283 --> 00:39:13,023 [SNEEZES] 894 00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:17,590 [GIGGLES] 895 00:39:22,660 --> 00:39:24,731 [OVER SPEAKERS] Unh, reporting live from the kitchen 896 00:39:24,895 --> 00:39:26,499 With a brand-new swag 897 00:39:26,664 --> 00:39:28,200 Dude, do you feel kind cf weird? 898 00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:31,245 Yeah, I do, actually. My face is feeling kind cf numb. 899 00:39:31,402 --> 00:39:32,472 Oh, fuck. 900 00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:34,138 The kids put something in here. 901 00:39:34,305 --> 00:39:35,875 Was it drugs? Was it semen? 902 00:39:36,974 --> 00:39:38,146 [GARGLES] 903 00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:40,217 It doesn't taste like semen. 904 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:42,714 MARY: Uh! You fucking... 905 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,723 ...loser! - Give me another chance! 906 00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:46,327 I'm begging you! 907 00:39:46,484 --> 00:39:48,555 I'm really, really, really sorry! 908 00:39:49,687 --> 00:39:52,998 That we had sex too well too often. 909 00:39:53,157 --> 00:39:55,330 "Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry. 910 00:39:55,493 --> 00:39:56,471 Somebody is gonna... 911 00:39:56,627 --> 00:39:59,005 ...fuck me tonight! You! 912 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,275 Oh, no. Ha. Married. 913 00:40:02,433 --> 00:40:03,878 - He's single. - Hi. Kumar. 914 00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:05,138 I don't date black guys. 915 00:40:05,302 --> 00:40:06,713 - What? Whoa! MARY: Unh! 916 00:40:06,904 --> 00:40:08,781 - What are you doing? MARY: Getting you ready. 917 00:40:08,939 --> 00:40:10,714 - Get her off me! - Right, sorry, sorry! 918 00:40:10,875 --> 00:40:12,252 Uh, I'm not gonna let you... 919 00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:15,152 ...rape my friend on Christmas Eve. He's married. 920 00:40:15,312 --> 00:40:16,586 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 921 00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:18,886 [CHATTERING] 922 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:24,394 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 923 00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:25,962 Who the fuck are you? 924 00:40:27,391 --> 00:40:28,335 [GROANS] 925 00:40:28,492 --> 00:40:29,562 [SCRATCHES] 926 00:40:33,030 --> 00:40:33,872 MARY: Stop resisting. 927 00:40:34,031 --> 00:40:35,305 HAROLD: Push harder, dude! 928 00:40:35,466 --> 00:40:36,501 KUMAR: I am doing it! 929 00:40:36,667 --> 00:40:37,543 HAROLD: I can't get her... 930 00:40:37,701 --> 00:40:39,840 ...off! MARY: Oh, God! 931 00:40:40,004 --> 00:40:41,449 [HAROLD GRUNTS] 932 00:40:41,872 --> 00:40:43,146 Mariana? 933 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:45,947 Daddy. 934 00:40:47,378 --> 00:40:48,288 BOTH: Daddy. 935 00:40:51,015 --> 00:40:51,823 That's Sergei... 936 00:40:51,982 --> 00:40:53,154 ...Katsov. 937 00:40:53,317 --> 00:40:54,159 I know, dude. 938 00:40:54,351 --> 00:40:55,523 Start talking. 939 00:40:55,686 --> 00:40:57,063 - Start talking. - Okay. 940 00:40:59,123 --> 00:40:59,828 She-- 941 00:40:59,990 --> 00:41:01,230 Start talking! Now! 942 00:41:01,392 --> 00:41:05,238 Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold. It's very nice to meet you. 943 00:41:05,396 --> 00:41:07,740 Um, I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe... 944 00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:10,902 ...but your daughter, sir, was the one who was trying to rape us. 945 00:41:11,068 --> 00:41:12,069 She's the raper. 946 00:41:12,236 --> 00:41:14,113 No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy. 947 00:41:14,271 --> 00:41:16,683 These men came in here, I didn't know who they were. 948 00:41:16,841 --> 00:41:18,320 I think that they get me drunk. 949 00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:20,285 No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect. 950 00:41:20,444 --> 00:41:21,821 You get my daughter drunk? 951 00:41:21,979 --> 00:41:24,255 Sir, if I may. This is all a big ... 952 00:41:24,882 --> 00:41:26,088 Let me pull my pants up. 953 00:41:26,250 --> 00:41:27,820 It's all a big misunderstanding. 954 00:41:28,819 --> 00:41:30,093 Your children threw the party. 955 00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:35,437 We have nothing to do with all the drugs and all the alcohol. 956 00:41:35,593 --> 00:41:36,128 [WHISTLE] 957 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,670 Okay, listen up! 958 00:41:37,828 --> 00:41:38,738 Party's over! 959 00:41:38,896 --> 00:41:39,738 My baby... 960 00:41:39,897 --> 00:41:43,071 ...is fucked on cocaine! KATSOV: I've heard enough. 961 00:41:43,234 --> 00:41:44,212 Gustav. 962 00:41:44,368 --> 00:41:45,312 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 963 00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:47,005 - What? Oh, shit! - No! No! 964 00:41:47,171 --> 00:41:49,310 Why does it always have to be "Gustav"? 965 00:41:49,473 --> 00:41:52,044 - Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"? - He means both. 966 00:41:52,209 --> 00:41:53,620 Why can't he say bath cf us? 967 00:41:53,777 --> 00:41:55,120 Bath cf you... 968 00:41:55,980 --> 00:41:57,823 ...kill them. Kill them all! 969 00:41:58,282 --> 00:41:59,260 [CROWD CLAMORING] 970 00:42:00,317 --> 00:42:01,125 - Aah! KUMAR: Go! 971 00:42:01,285 --> 00:42:01,990 Now! 972 00:42:02,786 --> 00:42:04,163 TODD: Unh, ah! Ava! 973 00:42:04,321 --> 00:42:06,096 Come with me if you wanna live! 974 00:42:06,257 --> 00:42:07,429 What? No, no! 975 00:42:07,591 --> 00:42:08,160 No, no, no! 976 00:42:12,663 --> 00:42:13,505 [BOTH GRUNT] 977 00:42:44,628 --> 00:42:46,369 Aah. Where's my baby? 978 00:42:46,530 --> 00:42:47,565 - Ava! Ava! - Shh! 979 00:42:47,765 --> 00:42:50,041 Where could my baby be? Where's my baby? 980 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:50,940 [BABY GIGGLING] 981 00:42:51,302 --> 00:42:52,804 [BOTH YELL] 982 00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:55,847 Your cake baby has superpowers. 983 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,042 [BOTH LAUGHING] 984 00:42:59,243 --> 00:43:01,120 - That was close. - I know, right? 985 00:43:02,179 --> 00:43:04,181 HAROLD: Were you starting to trip cut a little bit? 986 00:43:05,215 --> 00:43:08,594 Because I think I was starting to trip cut back there a little bit. 987 00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:12,131 Yeah, definitely, man. I think there was something in the eggnog. 988 00:43:12,289 --> 00:43:13,734 It's pretty fucking sweet. 989 00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:14,766 Don't worry. 990 00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,700 I'm pretty sure it's wearing off. 991 00:43:18,896 --> 00:43:20,898 Or maybe not? 992 00:43:21,065 --> 00:43:23,409 Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated! 993 00:43:23,567 --> 00:43:25,046 Ha-ha-ha. Sc are you! 994 00:43:25,202 --> 00:43:26,272 Sc is he. 995 00:43:26,537 --> 00:43:28,016 What's up, bland? 996 00:43:30,374 --> 00:43:32,149 Dude, everything's Claymated! 997 00:43:32,309 --> 00:43:33,413 Fuck you! 998 00:43:33,577 --> 00:43:34,749 KUMAR: This is great! 999 00:43:34,912 --> 00:43:37,916 No, it's not! How am I supposed to get a tree now? I'm made of clay. 1000 00:43:38,082 --> 00:43:39,459 Ooh, hold on. I have an idea. 1001 00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:40,459 What the hell--? 1002 00:43:41,018 --> 00:43:41,723 Yah! 1003 00:43:42,019 --> 00:43:43,794 KUMAR: Clay cocks! - Put your cock away. 1004 00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:47,402 Dude, relax. it's gonna wear off scan. 1005 00:43:47,558 --> 00:43:48,195 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 1006 00:43:49,159 --> 00:43:51,070 HAROLD: Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing? 1007 00:43:51,228 --> 00:43:52,172 What the fuck? 1008 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,171 KUMAR: Don't worry, nothing had ever happens in Claymation. 1009 00:43:55,332 --> 00:43:56,436 [SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS] 1010 00:43:57,067 --> 00:43:58,045 Whoa! 1011 00:43:58,435 --> 00:43:59,436 Shit! 1012 00:43:59,603 --> 00:44:00,604 Fuck! 1013 00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:10,189 Dude, lack cut! 1014 00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:19,857 [PEOPLE SCREAMING] 1015 00:44:26,930 --> 00:44:28,034 KUMAR: Come on, let's hide... 1016 00:44:28,198 --> 00:44:28,938 ...in that tree. 1017 00:44:29,099 --> 00:44:30,077 Dude, came on! 1018 00:44:36,006 --> 00:44:37,076 HAROLD & KUMAR: Aww. 1019 00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:39,545 Hey, little guy. 1020 00:44:39,710 --> 00:44:43,624 Just wanna take you home and cuddle with you all night long. 1021 00:44:44,314 --> 00:44:45,622 You hungry? 1022 00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:46,786 [GROWLS] 1023 00:44:46,950 --> 00:44:47,951 [BOTH SCREAMING] 1024 00:44:50,988 --> 00:44:52,524 Fuck me! 1025 00:44:55,292 --> 00:44:56,327 Mommy! 1026 00:44:56,493 --> 00:44:57,528 Hold me! 1027 00:44:57,695 --> 00:44:58,969 - Roldy! - Kumar! 1028 00:44:59,129 --> 00:45:01,507 - What the hell's the matter? ROSENBERG: What are you doing? 1029 00:45:01,665 --> 00:45:03,474 - Rosenberg. - Goldstein? 1030 00:45:03,634 --> 00:45:07,309 We were doing last-minute shopping with my boy here when we saw you... 1031 00:45:07,471 --> 00:45:09,314 ...tearing that snowman a new tuchus. 1032 00:45:09,473 --> 00:45:11,146 ROSENBERG: You are gonna catch your death... 1033 00:45:11,308 --> 00:45:13,481 ...of cold out here. Let's get you a nice meal. 1034 00:45:13,644 --> 00:45:15,521 Is there somewhere we can eat? 1035 00:45:25,022 --> 00:45:27,263 This is why I tell you not to have people over. 1036 00:45:27,424 --> 00:45:32,237 [WHISPERS] Every single other person get cut cf here except for us. 1037 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:34,501 -[WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up. - You grabbed me. 1038 00:45:34,665 --> 00:45:36,941 You said, "Came with me if you want to live." 1039 00:45:37,101 --> 00:45:38,079 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 1040 00:45:39,636 --> 00:45:40,842 [GIGGLING] 1041 00:45:41,004 --> 00:45:43,109 - Man, I don't think that's okay. -It's fine. 1042 00:45:43,273 --> 00:45:45,719 It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine. 1043 00:45:46,176 --> 00:45:47,746 I'm on cocaine. 1044 00:45:49,012 --> 00:45:50,150 I'm addicted to cocaine. 1045 00:45:50,314 --> 00:45:51,554 [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1046 00:45:53,517 --> 00:45:54,689 Yo! Idiots! 1047 00:45:56,019 --> 00:45:57,191 I want you to find... 1048 00:45:57,354 --> 00:45:59,664 ...the men who violated... 1049 00:45:59,823 --> 00:46:01,200 ...my daughter... 1050 00:46:01,358 --> 00:46:03,736 ...and I want you to fucking kill them! 1051 00:46:05,262 --> 00:46:07,742 - Still hits the spat. HAROLD: I know, right? 1052 00:46:07,898 --> 00:46:11,243 Oh, I almost forgot. Harold, my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back cut. 1053 00:46:11,401 --> 00:46:13,039 So me and him, we're not gonna... 1054 00:46:13,203 --> 00:46:14,876 ...be able to make your party. 1055 00:46:15,038 --> 00:46:16,779 - I'm so sorry about that. -It's okay. 1056 00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:20,752 There's not really a-- We should get going. We get a Christmas tree emergency. 1057 00:46:20,911 --> 00:46:24,222 I don't understand what it is with you people and your trees. 1058 00:46:24,381 --> 00:46:25,382 GOLDSTEIN: For us Christians... 1059 00:46:25,549 --> 00:46:28,257 ...the tree is a very important part cf cur holiday. 1060 00:46:28,418 --> 00:46:30,329 Okay, don't start with this. All right? 1061 00:46:30,487 --> 00:46:35,402 Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew! 1062 00:46:35,759 --> 00:46:38,899 His name is Seth Goldstein. For Christ's sake! 1063 00:46:39,062 --> 00:46:41,201 First cf all, don't ever take the Lord's... 1064 00:46:41,365 --> 00:46:42,810 ...name in vain. Secondly... 1065 00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:44,343 ...I was baptized, bitch! 1066 00:46:45,002 --> 00:46:46,174 The second the priest... 1067 00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:48,043 ...poured that holy water over me... 1068 00:46:48,205 --> 00:46:51,152 ...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred just washed right off. 1069 00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:53,515 KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying your new religion. 1070 00:46:53,710 --> 00:46:54,916 Dude, it's the balls. 1071 00:46:55,078 --> 00:46:56,716 These dirty Jew bastards have... 1072 00:46:56,880 --> 00:46:58,450 ...no idea what they're missing. 1073 00:46:58,615 --> 00:47:00,652 Fishing! Hunting! I tie knots on a sailboat. 1074 00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:02,229 I made terrible investments... 1075 00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:03,865 ...doesn't bother me a bit. 1076 00:47:04,021 --> 00:47:05,591 And guess what. Next week... 1077 00:47:05,756 --> 00:47:08,202 ...I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. 1078 00:47:08,358 --> 00:47:10,998 That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle. 1079 00:47:11,295 --> 00:47:14,970 Guys, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go get this tree. 1080 00:47:15,132 --> 00:47:16,611 Christmas tree! Christmas tree! 1081 00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:22,244 It's glorious. isn't it Christian? 1082 00:47:22,806 --> 00:47:23,944 Great to see you guys. 1083 00:47:24,107 --> 00:47:25,780 KUMAR: See you, guys. GOLDSTEIN: No, wait. 1084 00:47:26,109 --> 00:47:27,053 Excuse me! 1085 00:47:27,244 --> 00:47:30,487 You still awe me 87 cents for that jalapeno cheeseburger! 1086 00:47:30,647 --> 00:47:34,390 Ah! Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, new did it? 1087 00:47:36,153 --> 00:47:37,655 HAROLD: God, that tree is perfect. 1088 00:47:37,821 --> 00:47:38,891 KUMAR: Let's go check it cut. 1089 00:47:39,056 --> 00:47:40,296 Tickets, please. 1090 00:47:40,457 --> 00:47:42,061 I'm sorry, we don't have tickets. 1091 00:47:42,226 --> 00:47:43,398 They sold cut months ago. 1092 00:47:43,894 --> 00:47:45,965 - But-- - Step aside, please. 1093 00:47:46,630 --> 00:47:48,303 I said step aside. 1094 00:47:50,834 --> 00:47:52,142 Shit. 1095 00:47:53,470 --> 00:47:56,212 You know what? Fuck it, it's almost midnight. I give up. 1096 00:47:56,373 --> 00:47:57,477 You can't give up yet. 1097 00:47:58,375 --> 00:47:59,479 Lack... 1098 00:47:59,643 --> 00:48:02,283 ...I have an idea on haw we might get that tree cut. 1099 00:48:02,579 --> 00:48:04,081 - What? -It's not gonna be easy. 1100 00:48:04,248 --> 00:48:06,228 But this may be the last chance we've got. 1101 00:48:07,517 --> 00:48:08,359 Here's what we do. 1102 00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:11,763 First, we need to steal some tickets. 1103 00:48:11,922 --> 00:48:14,528 Then I slip off to the side and take out the archbishop. 1104 00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:18,301 I head down to the nuns' shower room. 1105 00:48:20,097 --> 00:48:22,703 HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room. 1106 00:48:22,866 --> 00:48:24,743 How do you think they stay so clean? 1107 00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:29,911 While the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm gonna snag the key to the back room. 1108 00:48:30,073 --> 00:48:31,518 HAROLD: What back room? 1109 00:48:31,675 --> 00:48:35,020 The back room that the priests are guarding. Am I going too fast? 1110 00:48:35,178 --> 00:48:36,179 - No. - Okay, good. 1111 00:48:36,346 --> 00:48:38,189 You're in charge cf distracting them. 1112 00:48:38,348 --> 00:48:39,554 How the hell do I do that? 1113 00:48:39,716 --> 00:48:41,889 KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use our secret weapon. 1114 00:48:42,052 --> 00:48:46,558 Pillow fight in the altar boys' room. Last one there's a rotten egg. 1115 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:51,031 KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room. 1116 00:48:51,194 --> 00:48:52,730 I guard while you kill the power. 1117 00:48:52,896 --> 00:48:55,069 While everyone's trying to turn the power on... 1118 00:48:55,232 --> 00:48:57,178 ...you and I will get the tree. 1119 00:48:57,334 --> 00:49:00,110 We take it to your place, and when Maria's dad comes home... 1120 00:49:00,270 --> 00:49:02,147 ...and sees this beautiful tree... 1121 00:49:02,306 --> 00:49:04,582 ...in your living room, he'll jizz all over it. 1122 00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:07,110 What do you think? 1123 00:49:08,679 --> 00:49:09,419 INEZ: Uncle Harold. 1124 00:49:09,579 --> 00:49:12,321 I think I see Uncle Harold over there. 1125 00:49:12,482 --> 00:49:14,621 What do you mean, you see Uncle Harold? 1126 00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:20,457 Baby? 1127 00:49:21,091 --> 00:49:22,399 Oh, sorry, sir. 1128 00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:23,667 MR. PEREZ: it's okay, baby. 1129 00:49:23,827 --> 00:49:26,433 They all look alike to me too. Ha-ha-ha. 1130 00:49:28,265 --> 00:49:32,509 HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass. Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight! 1131 00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:33,943 Running cut cf time. 1132 00:49:34,104 --> 00:49:36,414 Wait, wait, wait! What the hell are we doing? 1133 00:49:36,573 --> 00:49:38,849 Hold on. What the hell's going on? 1134 00:49:39,009 --> 00:49:41,990 He almost spotted us! I'm supposed to be at home with the tree. 1135 00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,421 But why are you making such a big deal about this? 1136 00:49:44,581 --> 00:49:46,754 Because it is a big deal. 1137 00:49:46,917 --> 00:49:49,454 Who gives a shit what your father-in-law thinks? 1138 00:49:49,619 --> 00:49:53,624 I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks. You wouldn't understand. 1139 00:49:54,958 --> 00:49:57,097 No, dude, I don't understand. 1140 00:49:57,694 --> 00:50:00,800 You got a great job, you make good money, you don't beat your wife. 1141 00:50:00,964 --> 00:50:03,103 What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for? 1142 00:50:03,266 --> 00:50:04,904 - Well ... - If I were you... 1143 00:50:05,068 --> 00:50:07,139 ...I'd tell him to eat a cockmeat sandwich. 1144 00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:10,216 You should not go through... 1145 00:50:10,374 --> 00:50:12,115 ...all this just to make him happy. 1146 00:50:12,709 --> 00:50:14,484 You're right, I don't have to. 1147 00:50:15,112 --> 00:50:16,455 I want to. 1148 00:50:17,147 --> 00:50:20,890 I want him to be happy because I want Maria to be happy. 1149 00:50:21,051 --> 00:50:23,998 Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy. 1150 00:50:24,621 --> 00:50:25,429 Don't you get it? 1151 00:50:25,589 --> 00:50:27,933 I don't have to be doing this. 1152 00:50:28,492 --> 00:50:30,165 I wanna be doing this. 1153 00:50:31,962 --> 00:50:32,963 What the fuck? 1154 00:50:33,130 --> 00:50:36,009 Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago! We need all bodies on-stage! 1155 00:50:36,166 --> 00:50:37,042 [BOTH YELL] 1156 00:50:37,834 --> 00:50:41,281 Oh, my God, you guys aren't even dressed? Jesus fucking Christ! 1157 00:50:41,438 --> 00:50:42,508 You have the wrong people. 1158 00:50:42,672 --> 00:50:43,673 Wardrobe! 1159 00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,446 Ga! Come on, came on, came on! Shut up! 1160 00:50:48,178 --> 00:50:51,057 Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person. 1161 00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:52,522 BECCA: Ga! Move! 1162 00:50:52,682 --> 00:50:53,956 Fucking actors. 1163 00:50:54,117 --> 00:50:56,791 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: And now, ladies and gentlemen... 1164 00:50:56,953 --> 00:50:58,694 ...without further ado... 1165 00:50:58,855 --> 00:51:00,459 ...the man... - Lock at these firs. 1166 00:51:00,624 --> 00:51:02,160 ...You've all been waiting for: 1167 00:51:02,325 --> 00:51:03,702 America's sweetheart! 1168 00:51:03,860 --> 00:51:04,668 [SINGING] Deck the halls with boughs of holly 1169 00:51:04,828 --> 00:51:05,829 Holy shit. Neil. 1170 00:51:06,329 --> 00:51:08,605 Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-la-Ia-la 1171 00:51:09,132 --> 00:51:09,906 Dance. 1172 00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:10,909 What? 1173 00:51:11,101 --> 00:51:12,705 Blend. Blend. Blend. 1174 00:51:12,869 --> 00:51:13,745 KUMAR: Harold. Wait! 1175 00:51:14,304 --> 00:51:16,511 Don we now our gay apparel 1176 00:51:16,673 --> 00:51:19,347 Fa-Ia-la, la-Ia-Ia, Ia-la-la 1177 00:51:19,509 --> 00:51:21,682 Troll the ancient yuletide carol 1178 00:51:21,845 --> 00:51:23,415 Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-Ia 1179 00:51:24,181 --> 00:51:25,626 La-Ia! 1180 00:51:30,487 --> 00:51:33,229 You better watch out You better not cry 1181 00:51:33,390 --> 00:51:35,768 You better not pout I'm tellin' you why 1182 00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:38,167 Santa Claus is comin' 1183 00:51:38,328 --> 00:51:39,932 To town 1184 00:51:40,097 --> 00:51:41,075 [GRUNTS] 1185 00:51:41,364 --> 00:51:43,207 He sees you when you're sleeping 1186 00:51:43,366 --> 00:51:44,572 He knows when you're awake 1187 00:51:44,734 --> 00:51:46,179 [ALL GRUNTING] 1188 00:51:47,204 --> 00:51:48,274 HAROLD: Oh, my God! 1189 00:51:48,572 --> 00:51:50,609 So be good for goodness' sake 1190 00:51:51,308 --> 00:51:52,787 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 1191 00:51:56,780 --> 00:52:00,023 Santa Claus is comin' to town 1192 00:52:05,889 --> 00:52:08,369 WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]: I played my drum for him 1193 00:52:08,525 --> 00:52:10,266 Pa rum pum pum pum 1194 00:52:12,596 --> 00:52:14,200 Then he 1195 00:52:14,364 --> 00:52:15,638 Smiled at me 1196 00:52:16,199 --> 00:52:17,872 Pa rum pum pum pum 1197 00:52:18,602 --> 00:52:20,582 Me and my drum 1198 00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:32,085 We wish you a merry Christmas 1199 00:52:32,249 --> 00:52:34,729 We wish you a merry Christmas 1200 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:36,961 We wish you a merry Christmas 1201 00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,396 And a happy New Year 1202 00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,934 We wish you a merry Christmas 1203 00:52:42,092 --> 00:52:44,163 We wish you a merry Christmas 1204 00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:46,466 We wish you a merry Christmas 1205 00:52:46,630 --> 00:52:49,338 And a happy 1206 00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:54,642 New Year 1207 00:53:00,310 --> 00:53:01,983 Merry Christmas, everyone! 1208 00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:06,422 DIRECTOR: All right, that's a cut. Great jab. 1209 00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:08,688 Great jab. I've just get a few notes, okay? 1210 00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:10,991 Just gonna came on the stage. 1211 00:53:11,154 --> 00:53:12,326 Oh, God. 1212 00:53:12,923 --> 00:53:14,266 Fucking tight jeans. 1213 00:53:15,992 --> 00:53:20,805 NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing the heat, and you are bringing it hard. 1214 00:53:20,964 --> 00:53:23,342 You're a dream, but unfortunately... 1215 00:53:23,500 --> 00:53:25,480 ...these backup blowjob artists... 1216 00:53:25,635 --> 00:53:27,842 ...are ruining everything! 1217 00:53:28,004 --> 00:53:29,347 I can run it again. 1218 00:53:29,506 --> 00:53:32,851 No, no, no. No, you skedaddle. Go and get some rest, huh? 1219 00:53:33,009 --> 00:53:34,818 Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha. 1220 00:53:36,146 --> 00:53:37,352 Damn it! 1221 00:53:41,952 --> 00:53:43,226 Hey, Gracie, chin up. 1222 00:53:43,386 --> 00:53:45,388 Happens to the best of us. You up for... 1223 00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:47,466 ...one-on-one rehearsing later? GRACIE: Wait. 1224 00:53:48,391 --> 00:53:49,392 You know my name? 1225 00:53:49,559 --> 00:53:53,632 Of course. You're doing great. I thought we could work on a thing or two. 1226 00:53:53,797 --> 00:53:56,676 - In my dressing room, five minutes. - Yes! 1227 00:53:56,833 --> 00:53:59,473 Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris. 1228 00:53:59,636 --> 00:54:02,412 - I'll get changed and be right over. - I'll see you then. 1229 00:54:04,641 --> 00:54:07,178 You really think Neil can get us one cf those trees? 1230 00:54:07,344 --> 00:54:09,847 After all we've been through with that guy, he better. 1231 00:54:10,013 --> 00:54:11,390 No shit. 1232 00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:13,461 REPORTER: Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye. 1233 00:54:13,617 --> 00:54:16,860 Hollywood Hearsay. Is it true that you're replacing Regis? 1234 00:54:17,020 --> 00:54:18,226 NEIL: it'll be tough between... 1235 00:54:18,388 --> 00:54:21,028 ...How I Met Your Mother and charity work, but we'll see. 1236 00:54:21,191 --> 00:54:24,172 Oh, wow. And you stunned fans when you said you were gay. 1237 00:54:24,327 --> 00:54:27,433 How has this affected your relationship with your partner, David? 1238 00:54:27,597 --> 00:54:30,077 Well, maybe this'll answer your question. 1239 00:54:31,501 --> 00:54:33,003 So hot, NPH. 1240 00:54:33,169 --> 00:54:35,911 Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha. Hey. How about that? 1241 00:54:36,072 --> 00:54:37,676 Thank you. I love you guys. 1242 00:54:37,841 --> 00:54:38,842 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1243 00:54:39,009 --> 00:54:40,886 Ugh. What did I tell you about using tongue? 1244 00:54:41,044 --> 00:54:42,887 You wanted it to lack realistic. 1245 00:54:43,046 --> 00:54:45,788 Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit. 1246 00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:48,862 The only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the p-tang. 1247 00:54:49,052 --> 00:54:50,360 DAVID: Fuck this! I get a wife... 1248 00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:52,158 ...and kid. I'm cut cf here. 1249 00:54:52,322 --> 00:54:53,357 NEIL: Wait, man. 1250 00:54:53,523 --> 00:54:54,627 What about the stuff? 1251 00:54:54,824 --> 00:54:56,235 DAVID: What stuff? - The stuff. 1252 00:54:56,393 --> 00:54:57,531 Give me the stuff. 1253 00:54:58,228 --> 00:54:59,070 This stuff? 1254 00:54:59,229 --> 00:55:00,139 [PANTS] 1255 00:55:00,363 --> 00:55:01,205 Oh, yeah. 1256 00:55:01,364 --> 00:55:02,900 You'd like this bag cf crack. 1257 00:55:03,066 --> 00:55:03,874 Wouldn't you? 1258 00:55:04,034 --> 00:55:06,708 Well, maybe I should give it to someone else. 1259 00:55:06,870 --> 00:55:08,872 You know I get Fred Savage on speed dial. 1260 00:55:09,039 --> 00:55:11,212 Fuck Savage! That rock is mine! 1261 00:55:11,374 --> 00:55:15,288 Give it to me. Come on, David, give me the stuff. Give me the sugar. 1262 00:55:15,445 --> 00:55:17,618 - Put money in my account. - You get it. Done. 1263 00:55:17,781 --> 00:55:20,557 - And sing at my niece's quinceanera. - All right, I'll sing. 1264 00:55:20,717 --> 00:55:22,594 - You can't fuck her! - I can't promise. 1265 00:55:22,752 --> 00:55:23,753 - Fine. - No! All right! 1266 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:24,728 I won't fuck her! 1267 00:55:24,888 --> 00:55:26,663 Just let me have the rack. 1268 00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:27,733 GRACIE: Excuse me, Neil? 1269 00:55:27,891 --> 00:55:29,029 Oh. Oh, this is-- 1270 00:55:29,192 --> 00:55:30,398 I can came back later. 1271 00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:33,837 - No! No, I'm heading cut. Ha, ha. - No, we were just-- Hi. 1272 00:55:33,997 --> 00:55:35,738 Bye-bye, sweet pea. 1273 00:55:35,899 --> 00:55:37,845 - You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha. DAVID: Always. 1274 00:55:38,001 --> 00:55:39,275 You guys are too cute. 1275 00:55:39,436 --> 00:55:40,210 [M o u T H s] Fuck you. 1276 00:55:40,370 --> 00:55:40,939 I do love... 1277 00:55:41,104 --> 00:55:42,708 ...that handsome man. 1278 00:55:43,073 --> 00:55:44,518 Thank you so much for this... 1279 00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:46,449 ...opportunity to work with you. 1280 00:55:46,609 --> 00:55:47,610 Sure. Come on in. 1281 00:55:47,777 --> 00:55:49,256 What would you like to rehearse? 1282 00:55:49,412 --> 00:55:51,551 Oh. Nothing specific. Just some general stuff. 1283 00:55:51,715 --> 00:55:54,321 You seemed tense. I thought we could loosen you up. 1284 00:55:54,484 --> 00:55:55,656 Take your sweater off. 1285 00:55:56,086 --> 00:55:56,928 [CHUCKLES] 1286 00:55:57,153 --> 00:55:57,790 Oh, no, no. 1287 00:55:57,954 --> 00:55:59,194 For a massage. Heh. 1288 00:55:59,389 --> 00:56:01,767 David'll tell you, these hands are magical. 1289 00:56:02,392 --> 00:56:05,134 Well, I don't really have anything on underneath, so ... 1290 00:56:05,295 --> 00:56:07,434 Oh, it's okay. It's just a couple girlfriends. 1291 00:56:07,597 --> 00:56:08,632 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1292 00:56:09,132 --> 00:56:10,509 Now take it off. 1293 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,104 Okay. 1294 00:56:15,805 --> 00:56:17,785 Why don't you lay on the bed? 1295 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:23,824 [SNIFFS] 1296 00:56:27,951 --> 00:56:29,157 - Ow. - Sorry. 1297 00:56:32,288 --> 00:56:33,528 [BOTH MOANING] 1298 00:56:33,690 --> 00:56:34,634 Feels good. 1299 00:56:34,791 --> 00:56:36,498 Yeah, it does feel good. 1300 00:56:36,659 --> 00:56:38,730 I can't ... I can't ... 1301 00:56:38,928 --> 00:56:41,568 - Can I take this bra off? - Um ... 1302 00:56:41,831 --> 00:56:44,175 -it's okay. Girlfriends. - Ha-ha-ha. 1303 00:56:44,801 --> 00:56:46,303 That's better. 1304 00:56:46,469 --> 00:56:47,971 Should we do something? 1305 00:56:48,138 --> 00:56:50,880 I don't know, I kind cf wanna see what happens next. 1306 00:56:51,341 --> 00:56:52,319 Feels good. 1307 00:56:52,475 --> 00:56:53,681 Oh, it's so hard. 1308 00:56:53,843 --> 00:56:56,153 This knot on your back is so hard. 1309 00:56:56,312 --> 00:56:57,985 Lack, don't be alarmed... 1310 00:56:59,182 --> 00:57:03,255 ...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 1311 00:57:03,720 --> 00:57:04,994 ...35 seconds. 1312 00:57:05,155 --> 00:57:06,065 Excuse me? 1313 00:57:06,222 --> 00:57:07,428 - Shut up. - What the fuck? 1314 00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:08,728 Shut the fuck up! 1315 00:57:08,892 --> 00:57:09,996 Get the fuck off cf me! 1316 00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:12,071 You like it rough? I can play that way. 1317 00:57:12,228 --> 00:57:13,901 God! I thought you were gay! 1318 00:57:14,063 --> 00:57:15,542 I am gay. Gay for that pussy. 1319 00:57:15,698 --> 00:57:16,699 Oh! 1320 00:57:16,900 --> 00:57:18,937 I don't know what sick game you're playing... 1321 00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,343 ...but touch me again, I'll rip your dick off! 1322 00:57:21,504 --> 00:57:22,812 [LAUGHING] 1323 00:57:22,972 --> 00:57:23,848 [GRUNTS] 1324 00:57:27,043 --> 00:57:28,954 Marty, Kumar, lang time. 1325 00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:33,119 It's Harold, actually. 1326 00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,785 Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is. 1327 00:57:34,985 --> 00:57:36,225 Come on, have a seat. 1328 00:57:36,386 --> 00:57:39,924 How lang has it been? You two lack great. Have you Inst weight? 1329 00:57:40,090 --> 00:57:41,694 Is that Hugo Bass? I Iove it. 1330 00:57:41,858 --> 00:57:43,895 Well, thanks. Listen, um ... 1331 00:57:44,427 --> 00:57:47,271 Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris? 1332 00:57:47,731 --> 00:57:49,108 Shut up! 1333 00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:50,243 God, I hate this... 1334 00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:52,437 ...fucking PancakeBot thing. 1335 00:57:52,602 --> 00:57:54,081 Dude, it's a WaffleBot. 1336 00:57:54,237 --> 00:57:55,375 They' re awesome. 1337 00:57:55,538 --> 00:57:56,141 WaffleThing. 1338 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:57,410 Get the fuck... 1339 00:57:57,574 --> 00:57:58,951 ...cut cf my life! 1340 00:57:59,609 --> 00:58:01,213 Ouch. 1341 00:58:01,544 --> 00:58:02,648 [NEIL SIGHS] 1342 00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:03,756 Anyway... 1343 00:58:03,913 --> 00:58:06,416 ...what can I do for you, my burglars cf turd? 1344 00:58:06,583 --> 00:58:08,756 Time-the-fuck-cut. How are you still alive? 1345 00:58:08,918 --> 00:58:10,090 Yeah, haw the fuck? 1346 00:58:10,487 --> 00:58:11,830 What are you talking about? 1347 00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,160 We saw you get shot. 1348 00:58:13,957 --> 00:58:15,459 You have to be more specific. 1349 00:58:15,625 --> 00:58:16,501 In that whorehouse. 1350 00:58:16,659 --> 00:58:17,296 In Texas. 1351 00:58:17,460 --> 00:58:18,837 You branded a prostitute. 1352 00:58:18,995 --> 00:58:19,564 Remember? 1353 00:58:19,963 --> 00:58:21,567 Oh, yeah! 1354 00:58:21,731 --> 00:58:23,904 Now I remember. 1355 00:58:24,300 --> 00:58:25,404 It hurt like hell... 1356 00:58:25,568 --> 00:58:26,410 ...at first. 1357 00:58:26,569 --> 00:58:27,343 And then... 1358 00:58:27,504 --> 00:58:28,539 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1359 00:58:29,539 --> 00:58:31,075 ...everything faded away. 1360 00:58:31,875 --> 00:58:32,945 And I went to heaven. 1361 00:58:34,744 --> 00:58:35,745 It was exactly... 1362 00:58:35,912 --> 00:58:36,982 ...like I imagined it. 1363 00:58:37,147 --> 00:58:38,148 [CHATTERING] 1364 00:58:38,982 --> 00:58:40,120 Saint Peter was there... 1365 00:58:40,283 --> 00:58:41,284 ...to meet me. 1366 00:58:41,451 --> 00:58:42,953 Whoa. No way! 1367 00:58:43,119 --> 00:58:44,655 - NPH? - Yup. 1368 00:58:45,288 --> 00:58:47,996 ST. PETER: Make room! Make room! VIP! 1369 00:58:48,858 --> 00:58:49,893 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 1370 00:58:50,060 --> 00:58:52,802 NEIL: The chicks were hot. The music was sick. 1371 00:58:52,962 --> 00:58:54,464 There were lasers. 1372 00:58:54,631 --> 00:58:56,372 It was like being famous... 1373 00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:58,706 ...in the early '90s. I was about to... 1374 00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,541 ...get my drink on, when I was... 1375 00:59:00,703 --> 00:59:02,580 ...interrupted by some dirty hippie. 1376 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:05,147 Neil Patrick Harris. My man. 1377 00:59:05,775 --> 00:59:07,311 I'm sure you recognize me... 1378 00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,948 ...but I'm Jesus. Sc... 1379 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:11,550 Jesus...? 1380 00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:14,160 Jesus Christ. That's me. I'm Jesus Christ, Neil. 1381 00:59:14,317 --> 00:59:16,126 Hey, ladies. 1382 00:59:16,286 --> 00:59:18,766 Neil Patrick Harris. I played Private Carl Jenkins... 1383 00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:20,367 in Starship Troopers. 1384 00:59:20,590 --> 00:59:21,330 JESUS: Wow. 1385 00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:23,697 I love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome. 1386 00:59:23,860 --> 00:59:25,669 Let's get shots. Keep the party going. 1387 00:59:25,829 --> 00:59:26,739 - Who's in? - Shots. 1388 00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:27,601 Sc, girls ... 1389 00:59:30,500 --> 00:59:32,275 Aw, came on. 1390 00:59:32,435 --> 00:59:33,743 How did that happen already? 1391 00:59:36,339 --> 00:59:37,579 Give me the phone to Dad. 1392 00:59:38,908 --> 00:59:40,581 GOD: This is God. - Daddy? 1393 00:59:40,743 --> 00:59:42,450 We need to 86 NPH ASAP. 1394 00:59:42,612 --> 00:59:44,387 He's getting a handjob in my club. 1395 00:59:44,948 --> 00:59:46,655 [MOANS] 1396 00:59:46,816 --> 00:59:49,490 Jesus, what a cockblock. 1397 00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:51,831 Doesn't explain the gay thing. 1398 00:59:51,988 --> 00:59:53,331 You're not gay, motherfucker. 1399 00:59:53,490 --> 00:59:54,195 At all. 1400 00:59:54,357 --> 00:59:55,734 [LAUGHS] 1401 00:59:56,192 --> 00:59:59,071 That's a little something we magicians call "misdirection." 1402 00:59:59,229 --> 01:00:00,435 Little trick I learned... 1403 01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:01,598 ...from Clay Aiken. HAROLD: What? 1404 01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:03,175 Clay Aiken's not gay? 1405 01:00:03,333 --> 01:00:07,281 Clay's the biggest coozehound I know. That guy gets mad gash. 1406 01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:08,347 HAROLD: Neil, listen. 1407 01:00:08,505 --> 01:00:10,280 I was wandering if-- 1408 01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:12,511 I can get you one cf those Christmas trees? 1409 01:00:12,675 --> 01:00:13,745 Sure, no problem. 1410 01:00:13,910 --> 01:00:14,911 How'd you know that? 1411 01:00:15,245 --> 01:00:17,020 I can read your mind. 1412 01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:19,782 KUMAR: All right. 1413 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:21,053 You might be able to--? 1414 01:00:21,217 --> 01:00:24,391 Hack you up with a free WaffleBot? You know what? Take mine. 1415 01:00:24,554 --> 01:00:25,965 I hate that android fuck. 1416 01:00:26,156 --> 01:00:28,966 Don't call him that, dude. What's up, WaffleBot? 1417 01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:31,298 Waffles are awesome. Pancakes suck, right? 1418 01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,236 I hate pancakes. 1419 01:00:33,396 --> 01:00:34,306 I know, so do I. 1420 01:00:34,464 --> 01:00:36,171 Kumar. 1421 01:00:37,534 --> 01:00:38,376 Thanks, Neil. 1422 01:00:38,535 --> 01:00:39,605 - Thanks. NEIL: No problem. 1423 01:00:39,769 --> 01:00:42,613 Hey, merry Christmas, guys. We'll see you in the fourth one. 1424 01:00:44,174 --> 01:00:47,519 HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're actually gonna make it home before they do. 1425 01:00:47,677 --> 01:00:49,953 - We saved Christmas, man. KUMAR: Mission accomplished. 1426 01:00:50,113 --> 01:00:52,389 - All right, put down the tree. Put it dawn. - Unh! 1427 01:00:52,582 --> 01:00:54,186 HAROLD: All right. - Waffle break? 1428 01:00:54,384 --> 01:00:56,261 All right. Oh, God. 1429 01:00:56,419 --> 01:00:58,126 Oh, my God. WaffleBot. 1430 01:00:58,288 --> 01:00:59,392 Dude, seriously... 1431 01:00:59,556 --> 01:01:01,331 ...these are incredible waffles. 1432 01:01:01,491 --> 01:01:04,097 Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever. 1433 01:01:04,594 --> 01:01:06,437 Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot. 1434 01:01:06,596 --> 01:01:08,200 I love you... 1435 01:01:08,364 --> 01:01:10,037 ...Kumar. - Ha, ha. 1436 01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:11,577 I love you too, little guy. 1437 01:01:12,068 --> 01:01:12,773 HAROLD: What the fuck? 1438 01:01:12,936 --> 01:01:14,506 That is the weirdest fucking toy. 1439 01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:15,946 You're happy. 1440 01:01:16,105 --> 01:01:18,585 See? You're laughing. You're having fun. Admit it: 1441 01:01:18,741 --> 01:01:20,687 I'm more fun to hang cut with than Todd. 1442 01:01:20,843 --> 01:01:23,483 Todd and Ava. I totally forgot about them. 1443 01:01:23,947 --> 01:01:25,290 I'm sure they're fine, right? 1444 01:01:25,448 --> 01:01:26,756 It's going to voicemail. 1445 01:01:26,916 --> 01:01:28,725 I think they're fine. Todd's a big boy. 1446 01:01:28,885 --> 01:01:31,024 He's probably putting her to bed or something. 1447 01:01:31,221 --> 01:01:33,997 Yeah. They're probably fine, right? 1448 01:01:36,826 --> 01:01:38,601 MADEA [ON TV]: Look at me, look at me! 1449 01:01:38,761 --> 01:01:40,468 Why wasn't you at school today? 1450 01:01:40,630 --> 01:01:41,802 I went to the park. 1451 01:01:42,031 --> 01:01:43,101 She lying. 1452 01:01:43,299 --> 01:01:45,745 MADEA: What was you doing? You supposed to be at school. 1453 01:01:45,902 --> 01:01:46,903 [BAG RUSTLING] 1454 01:01:47,070 --> 01:01:49,141 Little girl, I'm not gonna ask you no more. 1455 01:01:49,305 --> 01:01:53,344 NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids. I can't do that stuff. 1456 01:01:53,509 --> 01:01:55,045 MADEA: Who told you that? 1457 01:01:55,245 --> 01:01:57,350 NIKKI: My last foster mother. 1458 01:01:57,513 --> 01:02:01,461 She told me that the only thing I'm gonna be smart enough to do is lay on my back. 1459 01:02:01,618 --> 01:02:04,565 MADEA: The best revenge you can have on somebody that told you that... 1460 01:02:04,721 --> 01:02:05,756 [CRUNCHING] 1461 01:02:05,922 --> 01:02:08,994 ...is to prove them wrong. l went to that school and I got your homework. 1462 01:02:09,158 --> 01:02:12,105 TODD [WHISPERS]: Are you fucking kidding me? 1463 01:02:12,262 --> 01:02:13,036 ["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS AS RINGTONE] 1464 01:02:13,196 --> 01:02:13,936 - Oh. - Oh. 1465 01:02:14,464 --> 01:02:16,034 Maybe that's Todd. 1466 01:02:16,299 --> 01:02:18,040 Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you? 1467 01:02:18,201 --> 01:02:19,805 Oh, that's because Maria is-- 1468 01:02:19,969 --> 01:02:21,209 - Hello? VANESSA: Kumar? 1469 01:02:21,371 --> 01:02:22,475 - Is that you? - Yeah. 1470 01:02:22,639 --> 01:02:24,175 Why are you calling Harold? 1471 01:02:24,340 --> 01:02:25,011 [SIGHS] 1472 01:02:25,174 --> 01:02:26,585 Can I just speak to him, please? 1473 01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:28,154 What? No. 1474 01:02:28,311 --> 01:02:29,551 I've been texting you. 1475 01:02:29,712 --> 01:02:31,453 I haven 't heard back. What's going on? 1476 01:02:31,614 --> 01:02:32,786 Tell him I'm not gonna... 1477 01:02:32,949 --> 01:02:34,519 ...make it to his party tomorrow. 1478 01:02:34,684 --> 01:02:37,460 Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it-- 1479 01:02:37,620 --> 01:02:39,600 She won't make it to your party. Too bad. 1480 01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:41,997 What else have you been doing behind my back? 1481 01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:44,297 Has she seen your dick? Is it bigger than mine? 1482 01:02:44,460 --> 01:02:47,066 Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay? Goodbye. 1483 01:02:47,230 --> 01:02:49,005 No, don't hang up the phone on me. 1484 01:02:49,399 --> 01:02:50,571 Hello? 1485 01:02:51,934 --> 01:02:53,311 Here's your phone. 1486 01:02:53,670 --> 01:02:54,375 What is that? 1487 01:02:54,537 --> 01:02:57,074 That's Vanessa, Todd, Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav. 1488 01:02:57,240 --> 01:02:59,083 Does everybody know about this party? 1489 01:02:59,242 --> 01:03:01,279 Listen, if you want you can come. 1490 01:03:01,444 --> 01:03:04,015 I don't wanna came to your shitty-ass party, dude. 1491 01:03:04,180 --> 01:03:06,421 I can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me. 1492 01:03:06,582 --> 01:03:08,186 Am I supposed to feel bad? 1493 01:03:08,351 --> 01:03:11,855 Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties. 1494 01:03:12,021 --> 01:03:14,228 Maybe you should go back to your fancy house... 1495 01:03:14,390 --> 01:03:16,666 ...with your douchey friends and gay-ass sconces. 1496 01:03:16,826 --> 01:03:18,305 I don't need to be part cf this. 1497 01:03:18,461 --> 01:03:19,769 I love those sconces. 1498 01:03:19,929 --> 01:03:22,409 You know, I was really happy till you showed up today. 1499 01:03:22,565 --> 01:03:24,374 Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude. 1500 01:03:24,534 --> 01:03:26,013 - I'm cut. - Fine with me. 1501 01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:26,704 Fine. 1502 01:03:26,869 --> 01:03:28,109 - Cool. - All right. 1503 01:03:28,271 --> 01:03:30,251 - Are we having lovers' quarrel? -oh, shim. 1504 01:03:31,007 --> 01:03:32,179 [MUFFLED GRUNTING] 1505 01:03:35,912 --> 01:03:39,291 Kumar, my friend. 1506 01:03:42,218 --> 01:03:43,492 Oh, lock. 1507 01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:44,563 A WaffleBot. 1508 01:03:44,721 --> 01:03:45,358 GUSTAV: Mary would... 1509 01:03:45,521 --> 01:03:46,966 ...love one cf these. - Uh-huh. 1510 01:03:47,123 --> 01:03:48,261 GUSTAV: Grab it. 1511 01:03:48,424 --> 01:03:50,131 Oh, crap. 1512 01:03:55,765 --> 01:03:57,005 GUSTAV: Wake up! 1513 01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,276 Wake up! Wake up! 1514 01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:02,175 Wake up. 1515 01:04:03,873 --> 01:04:05,375 - Wake up. - Oh. 1516 01:04:05,641 --> 01:04:07,177 Oh, sun. 1517 01:04:07,377 --> 01:04:10,119 Please, I don't know what we've done, but please let us go. 1518 01:04:10,279 --> 01:04:12,657 After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary? 1519 01:04:12,815 --> 01:04:14,158 That was a misunderstanding. 1520 01:04:14,317 --> 01:04:16,263 I'm freezing! Give us back cur clothes. 1521 01:04:16,419 --> 01:04:18,296 Yuri, warm them up. 1522 01:04:22,925 --> 01:04:25,030 WAFFLEBOT: Kumar. 1523 01:04:25,194 --> 01:04:26,298 KUMAR: Please don't do that. 1524 01:04:26,462 --> 01:04:29,773 Please, please, please. There is a very serious gas crisis... 1525 01:04:29,932 --> 01:04:32,173 ...in the world. Let's discuss. - Came on, man! 1526 01:04:32,335 --> 01:04:35,111 As they say in my country: 1527 01:04:35,271 --> 01:04:36,375 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 1528 01:04:36,539 --> 01:04:38,018 No, don't say "do svidaniya." 1529 01:04:38,541 --> 01:04:39,713 Come on. 1530 01:04:42,845 --> 01:04:44,347 You didn't get the lighter. 1531 01:04:44,514 --> 01:04:47,961 You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee. 1532 01:04:48,117 --> 01:04:49,357 Nothing about lighter. 1533 01:04:49,652 --> 01:04:50,790 GUSTAV: You stupid... 1534 01:04:50,953 --> 01:04:53,126 ...fucking moron! 1535 01:04:53,322 --> 01:04:54,824 You're such a fuck-up! 1536 01:04:56,926 --> 01:04:57,631 Oh, sun. 1537 01:04:58,161 --> 01:04:59,538 [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1538 01:05:01,130 --> 01:05:02,268 [GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1539 01:05:05,468 --> 01:05:06,446 Hey, guys, stop! 1540 01:05:06,602 --> 01:05:08,946 Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it. 1541 01:05:10,339 --> 01:05:13,650 Now, look, I understand that you guys have your issues, okay? 1542 01:05:13,976 --> 01:05:17,947 But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along? You might be in... 1543 01:05:18,114 --> 01:05:21,687 ...a different time and place, but that doesn't change the fact that you... 1544 01:05:21,851 --> 01:05:24,695 ...have along and probably beautiful history together. 1545 01:05:26,489 --> 01:05:30,096 Yeah, maybe one cf you fucks up every new and again. 1546 01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:31,834 Happens. 1547 01:05:31,994 --> 01:05:34,406 Maybe he fucks up all the time. 1548 01:05:35,031 --> 01:05:37,705 Doesn't mean the other should forget about the good times. 1549 01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:39,272 Right. 1550 01:05:41,337 --> 01:05:42,509 Right. 1551 01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:47,621 Yeah, and maybe just because the other one... 1552 01:05:47,777 --> 01:05:49,654 ...is trying to act like an adult... 1553 01:05:49,812 --> 01:05:52,520 ...and be responsible doesn't necessarily mean... 1554 01:05:52,682 --> 01:05:54,684 ...that he's being a fucking chode. 1555 01:05:55,218 --> 01:05:58,825 Maybe he's been a chode, caring more about bay windows... 1556 01:05:58,988 --> 01:06:01,434 ...and sconces than a lifetime cf friendship. 1557 01:06:03,593 --> 01:06:04,628 What do you say, guys? 1558 01:06:05,962 --> 01:06:07,964 [SOBBING] 1559 01:06:10,099 --> 01:06:11,737 - Yeah, hug it cut. - All right. 1560 01:06:12,602 --> 01:06:13,137 Hey, guys. 1561 01:06:13,302 --> 01:06:15,077 How about you cut us cut? 1562 01:06:15,371 --> 01:06:17,408 We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer. 1563 01:06:17,573 --> 01:06:19,519 - A beer sounds great. HAROLD: Awesome. 1564 01:06:19,909 --> 01:06:20,944 [CHUCKLES] 1565 01:06:21,110 --> 01:06:22,111 GUSTAV: But first... 1566 01:06:22,278 --> 01:06:23,882 ...we have some killing to do. 1567 01:06:24,046 --> 01:06:24,717 Come on! 1568 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,622 After we just had that breakthrough? 1569 01:06:26,782 --> 01:06:30,093 Sorry. Say your goodbyes. It'll all be over quick. 1570 01:06:32,421 --> 01:06:34,765 - Is this haw we die? - I think so, dude. 1571 01:06:36,459 --> 01:06:37,460 Bye, Kumar. 1572 01:06:38,528 --> 01:06:39,905 Bye, Harold. 1573 01:06:40,429 --> 01:06:41,567 WAFFLEBOT: Kumar. 1574 01:06:41,731 --> 01:06:42,937 Your waffles... 1575 01:06:43,099 --> 01:06:44,601 ...are ready. - WaffleBot? 1576 01:06:46,402 --> 01:06:48,814 These guys think pancakes are better than waffles. 1577 01:06:49,105 --> 01:06:50,277 I hate... 1578 01:06:50,439 --> 01:06:52,043 ...pancakes. 1579 01:06:56,045 --> 01:06:57,718 [GUN CLICKING] 1580 01:06:58,114 --> 01:06:59,616 They serve pancakes... 1581 01:06:59,782 --> 01:07:01,625 ...in hell. 1582 01:07:03,519 --> 01:07:04,054 [SCREAM s] 1583 01:07:04,220 --> 01:07:04,755 Och! 1584 01:07:07,823 --> 01:07:09,029 BOTH: Holy shit! 1585 01:07:09,191 --> 01:07:10,568 You hurt my brother! 1586 01:07:12,395 --> 01:07:13,499 [GROANS THEN YELLS] 1587 01:07:15,431 --> 01:07:16,102 [GRUNTS] 1588 01:07:16,265 --> 01:07:17,710 [BOTH LAUGH] 1589 01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:18,435 KUMAR: Whoo! 1590 01:07:18,601 --> 01:07:19,443 [GRUNTS] 1591 01:07:19,602 --> 01:07:21,775 - How do we get cut cf these rapes? - WaffleBot. 1592 01:07:21,938 --> 01:07:23,849 Kumar. 1593 01:07:24,307 --> 01:07:25,877 Can you untie us? 1594 01:07:26,075 --> 01:07:27,110 Battery low. 1595 01:07:27,276 --> 01:07:28,755 Losing... 1596 01:07:28,911 --> 01:07:30,049 power. 1597 01:07:30,212 --> 01:07:31,247 WaffleBot, lack at me. 1598 01:07:31,414 --> 01:07:32,484 You can do this, man. 1599 01:07:44,427 --> 01:07:47,306 - Ha, ha. - Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot. 1600 01:07:47,997 --> 01:07:49,738 You're welcome, Kumar. 1601 01:07:49,899 --> 01:07:55,144 Pancakes are fucking gay. 1602 01:07:57,740 --> 01:08:00,550 Holy Shit. That is the best Christmas toy ever. 1603 01:08:00,977 --> 01:08:02,650 HAROLD: I guess. it's extraordinarily... 1604 01:08:02,812 --> 01:08:05,156 ...unsafe, but it did save our lives. 1605 01:08:06,716 --> 01:08:08,286 - Listen, man, I-- - Man, this-- 1606 01:08:08,451 --> 01:08:10,488 - Aah! - Oh, my God. 1607 01:08:11,120 --> 01:08:12,690 Holy shit! 1608 01:08:13,389 --> 01:08:14,367 This is like that... 1609 01:08:14,523 --> 01:08:16,059 ...scene from A Christmas Story. 1610 01:08:16,225 --> 01:08:18,364 Is it like the scene from A Christmas Story? 1611 01:08:18,527 --> 01:08:19,904 I just saw this scene. 1612 01:08:20,062 --> 01:08:20,733 [HAROLD GRUNTING] 1613 01:08:20,997 --> 01:08:22,999 - Oh, fuck! - Okay, we need... 1614 01:08:23,165 --> 01:08:25,702 ...same sort cf a warm liquid. I'll spit on it. 1615 01:08:25,868 --> 01:08:27,609 Don't fucking spit on my dick! 1616 01:08:27,770 --> 01:08:29,010 Fine. Can you pee on it? 1617 01:08:29,271 --> 01:08:30,716 Give me a second. 1618 01:08:31,507 --> 01:08:33,418 -It's not working. - Fine, I'll pee on it. 1619 01:08:33,576 --> 01:08:34,646 Don't pee on me! 1620 01:08:34,810 --> 01:08:36,289 Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--? 1621 01:08:36,445 --> 01:08:38,789 - Oh. Our clothes. - Oh. 1622 01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:40,256 Cool about the clothes. 1623 01:08:40,416 --> 01:08:42,259 My dick's stuck to a pale! 1624 01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:47,123 Dude, you're in luck. There's still coffee in here. 1625 01:08:47,289 --> 01:08:48,996 Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up! 1626 01:08:49,158 --> 01:08:51,365 Okay, lock, this is scalding hat coffee. 1627 01:08:51,527 --> 01:08:55,270 Sc I'm just gonna pour a little bit on. Probably gonna sting for a second. 1628 01:08:55,431 --> 01:08:56,842 - Get it over with! - All right. 1629 01:08:57,033 --> 01:08:58,171 Just let me just-- 1630 01:08:58,901 --> 01:08:59,811 [SCREAMING] 1631 01:09:00,036 --> 01:09:00,912 - I'm sorry. - Fuck! 1632 01:09:01,070 --> 01:09:02,276 Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude! 1633 01:09:02,438 --> 01:09:03,917 Oh, God, I ruined your dick! 1634 01:09:04,073 --> 01:09:05,245 You asshole! 1635 01:09:05,408 --> 01:09:06,716 Just Walk it off. 1636 01:09:06,876 --> 01:09:08,412 Walk it off. 1637 01:09:12,348 --> 01:09:14,350 [WHISPERS] How lang are we supposed to stay in here? 1638 01:09:14,550 --> 01:09:17,190 TODD [WHISPERS]: Until that fucking Russian sociopathic... 1639 01:09:17,353 --> 01:09:18,627 ...killing machine leaves. 1640 01:09:22,191 --> 01:09:24,603 They gave my daughter ecstasy. 1641 01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:26,067 [IN RUSSIAN] 1642 01:09:26,228 --> 01:09:28,606 I don't know Russian, but he seems a little upset. 1643 01:09:28,764 --> 01:09:30,209 I'd say so. Shh, shh! 1644 01:09:30,566 --> 01:09:31,772 ADRIAN: She's crashing hard. 1645 01:09:31,934 --> 01:09:33,538 We gotta give her more blow. 1646 01:09:33,703 --> 01:09:34,977 No, no! No more cocaine! 1647 01:09:35,137 --> 01:09:36,013 I need it! 1648 01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:38,209 - There's some. - Dc not give her mare! 1649 01:09:38,374 --> 01:09:39,444 Give it to me! 1650 01:09:39,608 --> 01:09:40,678 TODD: Ava, no! No, please! 1651 01:09:40,843 --> 01:09:42,345 Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please! 1652 01:09:42,812 --> 01:09:43,984 ADRIAN: Dude, lock. 1653 01:09:44,146 --> 01:09:45,124 Oh, this is not good! 1654 01:09:45,281 --> 01:09:46,385 Oh, this is not good. 1655 01:09:46,582 --> 01:09:47,617 Oh, this is not good! 1656 01:09:48,117 --> 01:09:50,461 Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy! 1657 01:09:50,619 --> 01:09:52,826 ADRIAN: New plan. Let's bash through the door. 1658 01:09:52,988 --> 01:09:53,989 You steal his gun. 1659 01:09:54,156 --> 01:09:56,136 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1660 01:10:10,306 --> 01:10:10,977 [SNIFFS] 1661 01:10:13,509 --> 01:10:14,579 [GRUNTS] 1662 01:10:17,913 --> 01:10:18,618 TODD: Yah! 1663 01:10:19,415 --> 01:10:21,827 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm-- 1664 01:10:23,419 --> 01:10:24,727 I'm so sorry. Wow. 1665 01:10:24,887 --> 01:10:27,493 I thought that would knock you out, obviously. 1666 01:10:27,656 --> 01:10:28,828 Lack. We are... 1667 01:10:28,991 --> 01:10:30,265 ...two reasonable guys... 1668 01:10:30,426 --> 01:10:32,133 ...and... 1669 01:10:32,294 --> 01:10:33,637 [OBJECT THUMPS] 1670 01:10:34,430 --> 01:10:35,204 [THUDS] 1671 01:10:36,899 --> 01:10:39,709 These are dangerous, but, aw, it's a great workout. 1672 01:10:39,869 --> 01:10:41,849 You can really feel it. 1673 01:10:42,004 --> 01:10:44,746 Bis, pecs, this one. 1674 01:10:45,007 --> 01:10:46,577 TODD: Thank you, Adrian. 1675 01:10:46,742 --> 01:10:48,585 That was a really great team effort. 1676 01:10:48,744 --> 01:10:50,553 Who's my sidekick? You are. 1677 01:10:50,713 --> 01:10:51,316 Let's go. 1678 01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:54,359 Good girl! Let's go home! Let's go see Santa. 1679 01:10:54,784 --> 01:10:55,524 Oh, mints! 1680 01:10:57,620 --> 01:10:58,360 Mm. 1681 01:11:00,523 --> 01:11:02,025 HAROLD: Where the fuck are we? 1682 01:11:02,191 --> 01:11:04,899 Those guys weren't kidding. We're in the middle cf nowhere. 1683 01:11:06,562 --> 01:11:07,666 Dc you have any bars? 1684 01:11:08,097 --> 01:11:10,236 - I get no bars. - Shit. Nothing here. 1685 01:11:10,666 --> 01:11:11,940 Hello? 1686 01:11:13,569 --> 01:11:15,242 Anybody here? 1687 01:11:15,971 --> 01:11:17,245 Forget it. Just-- 1688 01:11:17,706 --> 01:11:19,083 Forget it. it's past 2 a.m. 1689 01:11:19,241 --> 01:11:22,085 They're home, wandering where I am, where the tree is. 1690 01:11:22,244 --> 01:11:23,416 I just-- 1691 01:11:24,213 --> 01:11:26,284 it's such a disaster, this fucking night. 1692 01:11:26,448 --> 01:11:28,428 Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude. 1693 01:11:28,584 --> 01:11:29,824 No. When Maria's dad... 1694 01:11:29,985 --> 01:11:32,488 ...was a young boy in Medellin-- - Vanessa's pregnant. 1695 01:11:32,888 --> 01:11:34,094 What? 1696 01:11:34,256 --> 01:11:36,998 She told me earlier today. My reaction was not awesome. 1697 01:11:37,827 --> 01:11:40,433 I thought weed stunted fertility. That's why I quit. 1698 01:11:40,596 --> 01:11:43,008 Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids. 1699 01:11:43,199 --> 01:11:45,304 Wait a second, that's why you quit weed? 1700 01:11:45,568 --> 01:11:47,013 Yeah, that's why I-- 1701 01:11:48,470 --> 01:11:51,940 We've been trying for like a ... For a year. 1702 01:11:52,107 --> 01:11:53,415 Oh, man. 1703 01:11:53,576 --> 01:11:55,715 Now I feel even worse about your dick. 1704 01:11:55,911 --> 01:11:57,151 I don't wanna-- 1705 01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,417 How do we get cut? 1706 01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:02,084 I get an idea. 1707 01:12:04,920 --> 01:12:06,456 I saw this in a movie, man. 1708 01:12:06,622 --> 01:12:09,000 Just shoot this motherfucker, people come. 1709 01:12:09,158 --> 01:12:10,159 We can find people. 1710 01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:12,636 No, it's fine. Aah! 1711 01:12:16,632 --> 01:12:17,337 Now what? 1712 01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:19,138 I don't know. 1713 01:12:19,835 --> 01:12:21,178 [MAN GROANING] 1714 01:12:23,005 --> 01:12:24,348 No fucking way. 1715 01:12:34,817 --> 01:12:36,160 Santa, can you hear me? 1716 01:12:36,318 --> 01:12:37,797 Oh, what the fuck? 1717 01:12:37,953 --> 01:12:41,457 Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident. I'm gonna take a closer lock. 1718 01:12:43,392 --> 01:12:44,029 Oh, God! 1719 01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:45,035 This isn't good. 1720 01:12:45,194 --> 01:12:46,537 Mr. Claus, can you feel... 1721 01:12:46,695 --> 01:12:47,264 ...any cf this? 1722 01:12:47,429 --> 01:12:48,533 [BOTH YELL] 1723 01:12:48,998 --> 01:12:50,500 SANTA: Just let me die, please! 1724 01:12:50,666 --> 01:12:52,043 Let me die in peace! 1725 01:12:52,201 --> 01:12:54,875 No. Nobody's dying, Claus. Not on my watch. 1726 01:12:55,037 --> 01:12:57,711 Listen to me. I need you to go into Santa's gift bag... 1727 01:12:57,873 --> 01:13:00,080 ...get as many medical supplies as you can. 1728 01:13:10,552 --> 01:13:11,656 Oh, God! 1729 01:13:13,589 --> 01:13:14,727 Aah! 1730 01:13:17,660 --> 01:13:19,105 KUMAR: Ah, there. 1731 01:13:19,428 --> 01:13:20,600 I think that'll do it. 1732 01:13:20,829 --> 01:13:22,103 How do you feel, Mr. Claus? 1733 01:13:22,298 --> 01:13:24,175 Uh, a little woozy. 1734 01:13:24,333 --> 01:13:25,937 The morphine. It'll wear off. 1735 01:13:26,101 --> 01:13:28,308 Nice. But I... 1736 01:13:28,470 --> 01:13:29,448 ...think I'm okay. 1737 01:13:29,605 --> 01:13:32,814 Lack, Santa, we're so sorry. 1738 01:13:32,975 --> 01:13:35,251 Oh, I know it wasn't your fault. 1739 01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:37,652 You two have always been good boys. 1740 01:13:38,447 --> 01:13:40,051 Tell that to my father-in-law. 1741 01:13:40,215 --> 01:13:43,025 Hey, man, I can take the blame for that, all right? 1742 01:13:43,185 --> 01:13:45,256 Listen, I'd love to stay and chat... 1743 01:13:45,421 --> 01:13:48,493 ...but I'm running a little late and I have all these... 1744 01:13:48,657 --> 01:13:50,534 ...presents to deliver. 1745 01:13:50,693 --> 01:13:52,695 So you guys need a ride or something? 1746 01:13:53,195 --> 01:13:54,333 Seriously? 1747 01:13:54,797 --> 01:13:57,038 KUMAR: Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome! 1748 01:13:57,199 --> 01:13:58,906 It's not not awesome! 1749 01:13:59,535 --> 01:14:00,843 On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1750 01:14:01,437 --> 01:14:02,677 [SANTA CHUCKLES] 1751 01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:05,112 [HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING] 1752 01:14:12,648 --> 01:14:14,150 [SANTA CHUCKLES] 1753 01:14:16,785 --> 01:14:17,957 Thanks for the ride. 1754 01:14:18,620 --> 01:14:19,394 I'm guessing... 1755 01:14:19,555 --> 01:14:21,728 ...you don't have a 12-fact Fraser fir? 1756 01:14:21,991 --> 01:14:23,493 Sorry. I can't help you there. 1757 01:14:23,993 --> 01:14:24,733 Besides... 1758 01:14:24,893 --> 01:14:26,395 ...I gave you your present. 1759 01:14:26,562 --> 01:14:28,235 - You did? SANTA: Yes. 1760 01:14:28,397 --> 01:14:29,637 You get my package, right? 1761 01:14:29,798 --> 01:14:30,469 The joint? 1762 01:14:31,000 --> 01:14:32,240 - That was you? SANTA: Yeah. 1763 01:14:32,401 --> 01:14:35,143 It was my little way cf bringing you bays back together. 1764 01:14:37,906 --> 01:14:38,475 Dude... 1765 01:14:38,774 --> 01:14:41,015 ...I'd really like it if you came over tomorrow. 1766 01:14:41,243 --> 01:14:42,984 Won't be a party unless you're there. 1767 01:14:43,145 --> 01:14:45,284 It's about fucking time, Roldy. 1768 01:14:45,681 --> 01:14:47,422 I wouldn't miss it, man. 1769 01:14:51,186 --> 01:14:53,928 By the way, for what it's worth... 1770 01:14:54,390 --> 01:14:55,767 ...you'd make a great dad. 1771 01:14:57,259 --> 01:14:58,033 SANTA: Well, I guess... 1772 01:14:58,193 --> 01:15:00,400 ...this is goodbye, Roldy. Be a good bay... 1773 01:15:00,562 --> 01:15:01,472 ...next year. 1774 01:15:01,630 --> 01:15:02,631 All right. 1775 01:15:02,798 --> 01:15:05,836 No more jerking off into a sack filled with baby powder. 1776 01:15:06,168 --> 01:15:08,842 .L.. SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry. 1777 01:15:09,004 --> 01:15:10,608 I'm just teasing you. 1778 01:15:10,773 --> 01:15:12,116 I do it too. 1779 01:15:12,274 --> 01:15:12,945 [LAUGHS] 1780 01:15:15,611 --> 01:15:20,526 On, Prancer! On, Comet! On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1781 01:15:23,152 --> 01:15:25,132 Merry Christmas, Roldy! 1782 01:15:36,432 --> 01:15:37,570 MR. PEREZ: Where's the tree? 1783 01:15:43,739 --> 01:15:44,479 It's, um ... 1784 01:15:45,140 --> 01:15:47,245 Okay, what happened is that, um ... 1785 01:15:48,177 --> 01:15:49,554 You said you were going to... 1786 01:15:49,711 --> 01:15:52,317 ...take care cf it. Now where's the tree? 1787 01:15:52,481 --> 01:15:54,984 What happened to the tree is, uh... 1788 01:15:55,951 --> 01:15:57,396 ...I kind cf burned it dawn. 1789 01:15:59,388 --> 01:16:01,231 That tree was a Perez... 1790 01:16:01,390 --> 01:16:03,063 ...family tradition. 1791 01:16:03,225 --> 01:16:05,171 You ruined Christmas! 1792 01:16:05,461 --> 01:16:07,600 Ha, ha. I ruined your--? 1793 01:16:07,763 --> 01:16:09,265 You ruined my Christmas, man! 1794 01:16:09,731 --> 01:16:12,041 Heh, heh. Dc you know what happened? 1795 01:16:12,201 --> 01:16:15,876 Uh, I inadvertently introduced a baby to cocaine. 1796 01:16:16,038 --> 01:16:19,576 I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters. 1797 01:16:19,741 --> 01:16:21,277 I was drugged by... 1798 01:16:21,443 --> 01:16:24,617 ...asshole teenagers. Then I danced in a Christmas extravaganza. 1799 01:16:24,780 --> 01:16:26,726 And I'm a terrible dancer. 1800 01:16:26,882 --> 01:16:28,418 I almost had my dick ripped off. 1801 01:16:28,784 --> 01:16:29,956 And then I shot... 1802 01:16:30,119 --> 01:16:33,896 ...Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real, and I shot him in the face. 1803 01:16:34,056 --> 01:16:34,796 Why? 1804 01:16:35,891 --> 01:16:37,097 Because I wanted you... 1805 01:16:37,259 --> 01:16:39,933 ...to have a perfect fucking Christmas. 1806 01:16:40,362 --> 01:16:41,864 Now, here's a newsflash: 1807 01:16:42,030 --> 01:16:44,010 This is my house. 1808 01:16:44,166 --> 01:16:46,237 Maria is my wife. 1809 01:16:46,401 --> 01:16:49,382 And if you want to be in our family... 1810 01:16:49,638 --> 01:16:52,209 ...you best show me some fucking respect. 1811 01:16:54,877 --> 01:16:56,117 Is that too much? 1812 01:16:58,647 --> 01:16:59,648 I like it. 1813 01:16:59,815 --> 01:17:01,226 - Really? - Lack. 1814 01:17:01,583 --> 01:17:03,654 I always knew you were a nice guy. 1815 01:17:03,919 --> 01:17:06,297 But that's not enough to be with my Maria. 1816 01:17:06,455 --> 01:17:07,798 I didn't want her to be... 1817 01:17:07,956 --> 01:17:09,594 ...with some wimpy pussy. 1818 01:17:10,592 --> 01:17:11,536 But you ... 1819 01:17:11,693 --> 01:17:13,536 You showed me you get cojones. 1820 01:17:13,695 --> 01:17:14,605 Testicles, right? 1821 01:17:15,931 --> 01:17:16,909 Rosetta Stone. 1822 01:17:18,233 --> 01:17:19,769 - You know what? - What's that? 1823 01:17:20,169 --> 01:17:21,648 This coming Easter... 1824 01:17:23,105 --> 01:17:24,846 ...you guys came to my house. 1825 01:17:25,040 --> 01:17:28,249 That would really be great. Thank you, Carlos. 1826 01:17:28,410 --> 01:17:29,115 Mr. Perez. 1827 01:17:29,278 --> 01:17:30,348 Mr. Perez. 1828 01:17:30,512 --> 01:17:31,513 [GULPS] 1829 01:17:43,825 --> 01:17:44,997 KUMAR: Fuck! 1830 01:17:46,061 --> 01:17:46,664 Kumar! 1831 01:17:46,828 --> 01:17:47,806 Jesus! 1832 01:17:47,963 --> 01:17:52,275 I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell but I didn't want to wake your parents. 1833 01:17:52,434 --> 01:17:54,710 What--? What are you doing? You can't just-- 1834 01:17:54,870 --> 01:17:56,213 Hold on. There's something... 1835 01:17:56,371 --> 01:17:57,782 ...I need to say to you, okay? 1836 01:17:57,940 --> 01:18:01,353 When you told me you were pregnant, I admit I was scared as shit. 1837 01:18:01,877 --> 01:18:04,187 The more I think about it, the more excited I am. 1838 01:18:04,646 --> 01:18:06,182 I mean, I love kids. 1839 01:18:06,582 --> 01:18:08,118 That's because you are a kid. 1840 01:18:08,283 --> 01:18:12,060 I know. But ... Lack, if you give me another chance... 1841 01:18:12,221 --> 01:18:16,727 ...I promise you I will go back to the medical board, I'll get my job back. 1842 01:18:16,892 --> 01:18:18,565 I'll even quit weed if I have to. 1843 01:18:18,727 --> 01:18:19,967 You'd quit weed? 1844 01:18:20,128 --> 01:18:22,734 Of course. I would do anything for you. 1845 01:18:22,898 --> 01:18:25,708 When I saw what Harold did for his family tonight... 1846 01:18:25,867 --> 01:18:28,177 ...it made me realize haw important you are to me. 1847 01:18:28,337 --> 01:18:30,840 I wish I would've realized that sooner. 1848 01:18:31,206 --> 01:18:32,685 You don't have to do this. 1849 01:18:33,642 --> 01:18:35,383 I know I don't have to. 1850 01:18:36,211 --> 01:18:37,554 I want to. 1851 01:18:43,318 --> 01:18:44,388 Dc me a favor. 1852 01:18:44,553 --> 01:18:45,657 Yeah, anything. 1853 01:18:48,156 --> 01:18:49,499 Don't quit weed. 1854 01:18:49,658 --> 01:18:50,932 What? 1855 01:18:51,126 --> 01:18:53,936 Just remember, next time you take a drug test... 1856 01:18:54,129 --> 01:18:55,267 ...use my pee. 1857 01:18:56,265 --> 01:18:57,403 I love you. 1858 01:18:57,866 --> 01:18:59,174 I love you too. 1859 01:19:03,839 --> 01:19:06,285 Let's have some sex before you get all fat on me. 1860 01:19:06,441 --> 01:19:07,647 [VANESSA CHUCKLING] 1861 01:19:21,390 --> 01:19:23,199 MARIA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 1862 01:19:23,358 --> 01:19:25,304 Harold! Wake up! Baby. 1863 01:19:26,795 --> 01:19:28,968 -It's pink. - Oh, my God. 1864 01:19:29,164 --> 01:19:31,303 -It's pink. -It's a miracle. 1865 01:19:32,067 --> 01:19:33,102 It's a miracle. 1866 01:19:33,268 --> 01:19:34,303 [MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 1867 01:19:34,469 --> 01:19:35,573 MR. PEREZ: it's a miracle! 1868 01:19:35,737 --> 01:19:36,977 It's a miracle! 1869 01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:40,079 Isn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen? 1870 01:19:40,542 --> 01:19:42,613 I came downstairs this morning... 1871 01:19:42,778 --> 01:19:44,257 ...and here she was. 1872 01:19:48,550 --> 01:19:49,756 God bless us, everyone! 1873 01:19:50,452 --> 01:19:52,022 [ALL GASP] 1874 01:19:53,889 --> 01:19:56,199 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1875 01:21:08,063 --> 01:21:11,476 Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! 1876 01:21:11,633 --> 01:21:13,306 [LAUGHS] 1877 01:29:33,968 --> 01:29:35,970 [English - us - SDH]