1 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:58,290 What's happening right now is important only in the context... 2 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,552 of our continuing evolution as a species. 3 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:03,959 Roger, all I'm saying is that I wish my sister would learn to read a subway map. 4 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,191 By saying that, you disregard the primary importance... 5 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:08,767 of utility in human relationships. 6 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:12,031 Our ability-- Men's ability to read maps... 7 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:13,571 to navigate, makes us useful. 8 00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:16,540 You should discourage your sister from even looking at a map. 9 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:20,807 Are you saying that we women have an inferior sense of direction? 10 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,742 Which way is north,Joyce, without looking around? 11 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,249 What? 12 00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:27,251 You heard me. Point north. Quick. North. 13 00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:28,650 Quick. North. 14 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,222 North. North. 15 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,755 - You're right. - Is he right? 16 00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:36,590 - He's right. - Very impressive. 17 00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:38,823 As she has throughout history... 18 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,459 the female responds to the male who displays the most utility. 19 00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,436 By honing those skills which make me useful... 20 00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:48,803 I stave off my inevitable obsolescence. 21 00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:51,570 You stay home honing your ability to program a VCR? 22 00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:54,772 My VCR's been flashing 1 2:00 for three years. 23 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,016 What else, Roger? 24 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:02,020 Oh, driving a standard shift. Lifting heavy things. 25 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,181 - Air guitar. - Yes, yes. 26 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,121 Go ahead and chuckle, okay? 27 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:09,525 But until women evolve the ability to move objects telepathically-- 28 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,096 and they will-- 29 00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:13,324 physical strength remains a primary utility. 30 00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:15,264 Here's to brute strength then. 31 00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:21,898 Roger, you're forgetting a very important male utility. 32 00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:23,270 What's that? Barbecuing? 33 00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:27,470 Sex. 34 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:31,949 Yeah. I want a guy to do more than just program my VCR. 35 00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:35,987 Oh, I'll program your VCR, baby, like you never had it. 36 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,353 It's a top-loader. You think you can handle that? 37 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,949 Interestingly, a group of scientists in England... 38 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,893 just announced their intention to fertilize an egg... 39 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,965 without the use of sperm cells. 40 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,964 I don't understand that. 41 00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:53,027 Every cell in the human body contains a copy of the genome pattern. 42 00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:56,131 The only reason sperm cells have all the fun is that up until now... 43 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:58,142 they were the only ones with access. 44 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:00,508 Within Christopher's lifetime, artifiicial insemination... 45 00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:04,071 will render sperm as useless as an assembly line worker in Detroit. 46 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,517 Luckily, my accountant set up a golden parachute for my sperm years ago. 47 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,815 In case they were downsized. 48 00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:14,749 Just so you know, Roger, you know that we women... 49 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,520 make love because we like it. 50 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,690 - Not just to procreate. - Yes. 51 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,736 - But are men absolutely necessary? - I don't know that. 52 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:26,737 Think of the structure of the female genitalia. 53 00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:29,501 Wait. Wait. Okay, got it. 54 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,201 What is the most sensitive part of the vagina? 55 00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:37,113 -I can't believe we've gotten into this. -I think you know this, Donovan. 56 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:41,176 It's the clitoris, fiirst discovered by Renaldus Columbus in 1 559. 57 00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:42,618 He thought it was India. 58 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,750 Oh, no! No! 59 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:50,022 The crown of the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve fiibers. 60 00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:53,030 It's a far great concentration than in any part of the male body... 61 00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:54,360 even our fiingertips. 62 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:57,561 It is the most effiicient, pleasure-delivery system... 63 00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,365 ever devised by nature. 64 00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,099 Now, ask yourself... 65 00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:04,370 why didn't the clitoris end up inside the vagina... 66 00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:06,968 so that intercourse would be naturally... 67 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,776 compellingly, constantly pleasurable for a woman? 68 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:12,077 - I know the answer. - Yes, Ms. Maynard. 69 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:16,986 Because in primitive time, women died of childbirth. 70 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,957 So for intercourse to be too pleasurable... 71 00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:22,653 wouldn't make sense from a Darwinian standpoint. 72 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,731 - I'm impressed. - Absolutely right. 73 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,926 - What does that tell us? - Evolution is looking out for us girls? 74 00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,798 - Exactly. - That for women... 75 00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:34,669 intercourse and sexual fulfiillment were never intended to intersect. 76 00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:38,336 New technology just makes it offiicial. 77 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:43,313 Future generations of women will evolve clitorises-- ''clitori, clitorati''-- 78 00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:44,678 ''Clitorissimo.'' 79 00:04:48,554 --> 00:04:52,115 that are larger, longer, even more sensitive. 80 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,319 And a woman's ability, as well as her desire to self-stimulate... 81 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,328 will increase exponentially... 82 00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,830 as intercourse is robbed of its procreative utility. 83 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,931 - I'm confused and frightened. - You should be. 84 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,836 The species is not static. We're in a constant state of flux. 85 00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:09,931 Two genders has been the default setting for one reason only: 86 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,307 So far it's been the only way to propagate the race. 87 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:14,312 Is there any species that just has one gender... 88 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,939 that doesn't have male/female? 89 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,449 Starfiish, for one. 90 00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:21,679 Next time I see a starfiish, I'm gonna tell him to go fuck himself. 91 00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:24,720 Come on. You love it. 92 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,721 No, we don't. 93 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:30,993 So where are we headed? 94 00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,224 Equality? Equality, what is that? 95 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,298 Is that a principle of nature? 96 00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:39,166 We all sit around reading subway maps together. 97 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,399 No. Of course not. Natural selection. 98 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:44,032 Now that is a principle of nature. 99 00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:46,703 Selection. Something has to lose. Something has to be defeated... 100 00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:49,077 in order for something else to be selected. 101 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,150 So, what does this mean? 102 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,881 We have to take orders from Joyce for the rest of lives. 103 00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,519 That's right. I like that. 104 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:02,458 It means that 1 0 or 1 5 generations from now... 105 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,587 men will be reduced to servitude. 106 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,693 Technology and evolution will have combined... 107 00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,531 to exclude sperm from procreation... 108 00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:15,539 and our fiinal destiny will be to lift couches... 109 00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:18,974 and wait for that day when telepathy overcomes gravity... 110 00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:23,879 and our gender's last remaining utility is lost forever. 111 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,280 Forever. 112 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,680 Oh, my God, Roger. 113 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:34,126 - What? I'm done. - Then I rest my case. 114 00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:40,298 Thank you. 115 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,762 Love you people. 116 00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:53,111 Yeah, this is good. 117 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,798 -Jesus! - No, just me. 118 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,337 How did you get in here? 119 00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,010 - Where did you get those? - Copied them from yours. 120 00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:03,912 - When? - Last week when you sent me for bagels. 121 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:07,613 Give them to me. 122 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,188 Aren't you tired of constantly having to buzz me in here? 123 00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:13,884 See how your brain works? How does once a week turn into ''constantly''? 124 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:18,054 Actually, last week was two times, including, I believe, Friday... 125 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:22,533 when you woke me out of a dead, pleasant sleep and demanded the use of my body. 126 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,796 - You could have said no. - What? Are you kidding me? 127 00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,565 That was a call to action. 128 00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:28,867 I dressed in 30 seconds like a volunteer fiireman. 129 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:29,942 I was insane-- 130 00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:33,500 You should stop talking and listen to me. I got something to say to you. 131 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,978 Oh, yeah? 132 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:38,312 - Words are my stock-in-trade,Joyce. - I know. 133 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:41,147 You can't just stop up the floodgate. 134 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,222 - Put that down. - What? 135 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,419 - We need to stop this. - Stop what? 136 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,222 God, I love watching you in the bathroom. 137 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:53,765 You're like an athlete after the game, scraping off the war paint. 138 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,198 I meant, we need to stop seeing each other. 139 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,929 Oh, really? 140 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,672 This whole thing was a bad idea. 141 00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,902 Generally, I have good judgment, but this time, right out the window. 142 00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:08,412 This whole thing is a great idea. Nobody knows about us. 143 00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:10,709 We all go out, I sit there and... 144 00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:12,545 you know, a few hours later... 145 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:14,620 I know I'm going to be the traveling salesman... 146 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,052 and you're going to be the lonely housewife. 147 00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:21,991 I need you to be an adult about this. No scenes. 148 00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:25,325 Joyce, I am your boy. I'm your thoroughbred. 149 00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:28,059 Adult. Understand? 150 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:32,863 Forget about the keys, okay? Just keep the keys with-- 151 00:09:41,681 --> 00:09:46,414 Tonight is our last night, so let's make it a good one. 152 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,150 Good-bye sex is never good. 153 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,226 Next week, we'll have ''get back together'' sex-- 154 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,793 - Can I stay the night? - Roger, no. 155 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,722 Right. 156 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:50,068 Hi. Can I have a Cosmo and a Maker's Mark on the rocks? Thanks. 157 00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:53,668 - Let's have a talk. - I'm sorry. I'm with some people. 158 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:54,939 Let me guess. 159 00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,146 You're relatively new at the company. 160 00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:03,187 Maybe you moved to New York from somewhere else. Somewhere friendly. 161 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,853 First you took pride in being alone. 162 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,758 Wanna make a name for yourself in the big city. 163 00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:14,492 After a while, you started thinking how it might be nice to meet somebody. 164 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,229 Winter's not far off, and it gets lonely sometimes. 165 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,872 Okay. And? 166 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:25,701 And so you develop a crush on your supervisor... 167 00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:30,080 even though the other women in the offiice tell you... 168 00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,207 ''Keep clear. He's bad news.'' 169 00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,582 - Why is he bad news? - Because he's a player. 170 00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,946 He's a guy who collects trophies. 171 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,685 Every woman who takes a job there ends up in bed with him. 172 00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:44,061 And if you give in to temptation... 173 00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:47,599 you'll end up the punch line to a sordid joke by the water cooler. 174 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,167 Am I hot or cold? 175 00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:54,939 - It's a good story. - It's a cliche. 176 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,008 So what do you do when you're not reducing the world? 177 00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,771 What's wrong with reduction, boiling things down to their essence? 178 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:03,781 What's wrong with... seeing what's really going on? 179 00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,943 And what's really going on? What's the big revelation? 180 00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,650 Why should I tell you? 181 00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:12,053 Telling you isn't going to change anything. 182 00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:16,595 For instance, I could tell you that what you think of as your personality... 183 00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,459 is nothing but a collection of Vanity Fairarticles. 184 00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:24,002 I could tell you your choice of sexual partners this evening... 185 00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:26,970 was decided months ago by some account executive at Young & Rubicam. 186 00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:30,269 I could tell you that given a week to study your father... 187 00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,503 and the ways in which he ignores you... 188 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,944 I could come up with a schtick you'd be helpless to resist. Helpless. 189 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:43,520 I could tell you all that, but what would you do with the information? 190 00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:46,090 Are there women who fall for this stuff? 191 00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:49,053 I'm telling the truth as I see it. 192 00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,925 You wanna go fuck your boss? What business is it of mine. 193 00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:59,602 He's not Daddy. He's just a guy in a suit. 194 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:08,244 You feel compelled to contribute to the pathetic... 195 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:11,282 heartbreaking predictability of it all, by all means-- 196 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,671 - Hi. - Hi. 197 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:42,078 - You waiting for someone? - Yeah, my fiiance. 198 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:45,582 - Hey, congratulations. - Thanks. 199 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,121 All right. Congratulations. 200 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,385 Is he a kind man, your fiiance? 201 00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,464 Does he treat you with respect? 202 00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:03,329 Not that it's any of your business, but, yes, he does. 203 00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:08,436 - That must make you nervous. - Why would that make me nervous? 204 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,008 Oh, come on. 205 00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:13,977 Look at the time. Let's do the math together. 206 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,774 What are you talking about? 207 00:15:15,881 --> 00:15:19,078 Let me guess, low self-esteem... 208 00:15:19,184 --> 00:15:24,281 and premenopausal... concern led you to pursue a series of-- 209 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:27,556 semiabusive relationships? 210 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:32,097 But a recent dose of therapy has convinced you... 211 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:34,358 that inner-beauty is what really matters, and... 212 00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:41,434 you really deserve that perfect partner who treats you with such respect. 213 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:43,474 Do you want me to call the bartender? 214 00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,509 Unless you're an idiot-- which I don't think you are-- 215 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,511 unless you're some kind of pathetic, self-help junkie... 216 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,207 you and I know your guy's gonna wake up one morning, and-- 217 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,849 he's gonna look around, fiigure out how old you are... 218 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,116 and what you're really like, and that's the day he's gonna go out... 219 00:15:57,222 --> 00:15:59,190 for a pack of smokes and never come back. 220 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,790 By that time-- How you doing? 221 00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:06,031 If she doesn't see what's coming, I fucking weep for her. 222 00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:21,675 - Can I help you, sir? - Hey. No, thanks. I'm good. 223 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,543 I said, ''Can I help you, sir?'' 224 00:16:25,417 --> 00:16:29,285 - Where's that other guy? The-- - He's home sleeping. 225 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:33,154 Okay. Well, it's very important that I see Joyce Maynard right away, so-- 226 00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:35,886 Okay. I understand. Why don't I just leave her a note? 227 00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,159 It's important that I see her in person. 228 00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:42,859 That's not gonna work, so why don't I... 229 00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:45,334 call you a cab and you go home and sleep it off? 230 00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:47,530 Why don't you go fucking home? 231 00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:50,233 Okay. You know what? We don't understand each other. 232 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:54,244 I'm her boy. I'm her boy, okay? Who are you? Who are you? 233 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:58,749 I am the man who's gonna call the police if you don't get out of my lobby! 234 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,300 Roger, it's Susan. It's Thursday, and I want you to call-- 235 00:18:30,642 --> 00:18:32,769 - Roger, pick up line two. - Who is it? 236 00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,847 -It's regarding the new campaign. -Which new campaign? Get a name, please. 237 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,480 - It's Susan. - Tell her I'm out. 238 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:44,420 - She says it's important-- - Tell her I'm out. 239 00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:54,792 Yeah. This is, like, surly. That's like, ''What is that?'' 240 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,697 - And this is, like-- - You want surly? 241 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,963 -This is like '90s, adorable normal guy. -I am that. 242 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,971 - That's your problem. - That's your nightmare. 243 00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:04,133 Hey, Roget. You going to Joyce's tonight? 244 00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,338 What? 245 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,140 - Didn't you get the E-mail? - What E-mail? 246 00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,511 About the party? 247 00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:17,988 You going? 248 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,718 Joyce throws a party, I don't ask questions. I just show up. 249 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:32,593 She's on a conference call. 250 00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:35,298 Ted, there's someone in my offiice. 251 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,568 - Bye, Ted. - It's okay, Donna, you can-- 252 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,577 - Bye, Donna. - I'll call you back in fiive minutes. 253 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:44,445 ''Five minutes''? This is a fiive-minute situation? 254 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,211 Sit down. 255 00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,377 I don't wish to sit down. I wish to stand. 256 00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,356 Did you try to get into my building last night? 257 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,286 Why am I not invited tonight? Everyone will be there except me. 258 00:19:56,395 --> 00:19:58,386 What is that going to look like? 259 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,600 - Let's reestablish some boundaries. - Let's not. 260 00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,563 I'm your boss. You work for me. 261 00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:10,869 You write very good copy. 262 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:17,611 But I have a hundred resumes on my fiiles for guys just like you. 263 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,412 But do those guys do that thing that I do? 264 00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:22,282 The thing that you like? 265 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:27,990 I have explained to you that I do not wish to see you socially any longer. 266 00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,236 Find a way to deal with it. 267 00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:51,575 What's that supposed to do? 268 00:21:23,682 --> 00:21:24,842 Nick? 269 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,950 Uncle Roger. How's it going? 270 00:21:30,656 --> 00:21:32,453 What are you doing here? 271 00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:36,122 What? Oh. I wanted to see where you work. 272 00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:40,993 - Yes. No. What are you doing here? - What? 273 00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:43,829 - You mean here in New York here? - Yes. 274 00:21:43,935 --> 00:21:47,462 I had an interview at Columbia, so Mom said I should look you up. 275 00:21:47,572 --> 00:21:50,507 - Sit down. - Okay. 276 00:21:50,609 --> 00:21:52,509 That's what all the phone calls were about. 277 00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:54,977 - The phone calls? - Yeah. Your mom's been calling me. 278 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,709 - Did you speak to her? - We're playing phone tag. 279 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,047 She said you could show me what you do here. 280 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,121 She did? 281 00:22:03,221 --> 00:22:06,384 Well, there's not a whole lot to show you, Nick. 282 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,722 Really? Like, what do you do all day? 283 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,796 What do I do all day? 284 00:22:12,764 --> 00:22:15,494 I sit here and think of ways to make people feel bad. 285 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:19,832 - I thought you wrote for commercials. - I do... 286 00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:22,907 but you can't sell a product without fiirst making people feel bad. 287 00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:25,006 Why not? 288 00:22:27,746 --> 00:22:29,714 Because it's a substitution game. 289 00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:33,409 You have to remind them that they're missing something from their lives. 290 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:35,349 Everyone's missing something, right? 291 00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:37,388 - Well, yeah. I guess. - Trust me. 292 00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:40,083 And when they're feeling suffiiciently incomplete... 293 00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:43,286 you convince them that your product is the only thing that can fiill the void. 294 00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,625 So, instead of taking steps to deal with their lives... 295 00:22:45,731 --> 00:22:49,462 instead of working to root out the real reason for their misery... 296 00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:52,469 they run out and buy a stupid-looking pair of cargo pants. 297 00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:04,712 - So... is it fun? - It can be. 298 00:23:04,816 --> 00:23:07,614 Look, I actually was about to call it a day. 299 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,687 That's cool. We can go get something to eat. 300 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:15,918 - Fine. Let's get out of here. - Great. 301 00:23:40,552 --> 00:23:43,419 You gave me a scare. I thought you were having a narcoleptic episode. 302 00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:47,083 - What? When? - Back at the offiice, you know? 303 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,085 That's standing meditation. It calms me down. Thanks. 304 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:53,596 Why should you calm down? You're a teenager. Thank you. 305 00:23:53,698 --> 00:23:55,666 My brain gets all sloppy when I'm stressed... 306 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:58,429 so the meditation helps me focus and block out the bad stuff. 307 00:23:58,537 --> 00:24:01,301 - Bad stuff? - Like fear and pain, you know? 308 00:24:01,406 --> 00:24:05,137 It's a visualization. I picture a blue triangle, and that's me. 309 00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:08,838 I put all the other stuff outside the triangle in a red fiield. It works. 310 00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:13,046 So, how's your folks? 311 00:24:18,089 --> 00:24:21,149 - They got divorced. - What? 312 00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:23,284 Yeah. My dad moved out. 313 00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:25,795 - You're kidding. When did this happen? - A while ago. 314 00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:28,263 I haven't seen you since Grandma's funeral. 315 00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:36,499 -Jesus, Nick. I'm sorry to hear that. - It's no big deal. 316 00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:39,099 I still talk to my dad. He calls from the road. 317 00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:40,701 How's your mom doing? 318 00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,177 She's fiine. You know. 319 00:24:44,216 --> 00:24:46,514 - Surprised she didn't come with you. - Maybe she was afraid to see you... 320 00:24:46,618 --> 00:24:48,483 after what happened at the funeral. 321 00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:51,647 That happened because your grandfather's a king-size prick. 322 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:55,717 All right? 323 00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:06,699 So when's your interview? 324 00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:10,598 - It was today. - How'd it go? 325 00:25:10,709 --> 00:25:13,075 Fine, I guess. I did the interviews 'cause Mom wants me to. 326 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,908 - You're not interested in college? - Why keep going to school... 327 00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:18,574 when anything I need to fiind out about I can look up myself? 328 00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:21,413 Dad didn't go to college. By the time he was my age, he was on the road. 329 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,818 - How is everything here? - First-rate. Thanks. 330 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:30,689 But... the good thing about college is you get to hang out a lot. 331 00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:33,195 - It's good for the social skills. - Yeah. 332 00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:42,568 So... my mom says you're kind of, you know, like a ladies' man. 333 00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:45,905 - She said that? - But she says it like it's a bad thing. 334 00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:47,979 That sounds like her. 335 00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:52,181 - Is it true? - What about you? You have a girlfriend? 336 00:25:53,985 --> 00:25:57,944 No. I mean, you know, not yet. 337 00:25:59,491 --> 00:26:04,121 Look. I'm getting older, and there's a lot of stuff that I wish I could-- 338 00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:12,068 There's a lot of stuff that I haven't-- There's certain things I need to-- 339 00:26:12,170 --> 00:26:14,138 Yeah. I thought you said you could look that stuff up. 340 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:16,230 No. I mean, not this. 341 00:26:16,341 --> 00:26:19,105 You don't understand. I need someone who knows what to say-- 342 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:21,974 I'm kidding you, Nick. That's what college is for. 343 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:27,074 You fiind some football player who needs tutoring, and he helps you get girls. 344 00:26:27,185 --> 00:26:30,154 - You don't get it. - I get it. I was 1 6 once, all right? 345 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,455 What are you going to do if you don't go to college? 346 00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:35,924 Design software. Maybe work on simulation games. 347 00:26:36,027 --> 00:26:38,495 That's right. You're the computer whiz. There is money in that. 348 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,565 I already make money setting up systems for people. 349 00:26:40,665 --> 00:26:43,065 I'm working on a web page for Granddad for his research. 350 00:26:43,168 --> 00:26:45,693 What, the old man? He's actually spending money? 351 00:26:45,804 --> 00:26:46,998 Yeah, good money too. 352 00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,471 It's funny, 'cause he yells at his computer like it's a person. 353 00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:51,633 He's always going, ''That bitch ate my fiile.'' 354 00:26:51,743 --> 00:26:55,270 - Or, ''She's playing hard to get.'' - You spend a lot of time there? 355 00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:56,347 Yeah, nowadays. 356 00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:59,645 I go over after school, and he comes over and eats dinner with us. 357 00:26:59,751 --> 00:27:03,619 Wait a minute. He eats dinner with you and Susan? 358 00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:07,624 Sure. Since Grandma died, there's no one taking care of him. 359 00:27:07,726 --> 00:27:10,627 Even after they split up, she went over every day to cook dinner. 360 00:27:10,729 --> 00:27:14,358 I mean, every single day. She was nuts. 361 00:27:19,037 --> 00:27:21,005 Yeah, she was nuts. 362 00:27:24,943 --> 00:27:26,308 So, Nick. 363 00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:30,440 You need some help with the ladies? 364 00:27:33,852 --> 00:27:36,082 All right. Here we go. Get this straight. 365 00:27:36,154 --> 00:27:40,352 Sex is everywhere, okay? It is all around us. 366 00:27:40,458 --> 00:27:43,393 It's not some distant destination. It's not Everest. 367 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:47,056 It is right here. You have to attune yourself to it. 368 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:49,065 You have to bring yourself into alignment. 369 00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:51,067 You have to fiind the zone, Nick. Okay? 370 00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:54,798 Do that, and I promise you a whole world will open up. 371 00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:59,307 Look at me. I walk around in a state of total receptivity. 372 00:27:59,411 --> 00:28:02,710 - I'm like a fucking lightning rod. - All right. Fine. What do I do? 373 00:28:03,982 --> 00:28:07,008 For starters, let's get rid of that little meditation. The blue triangle. 374 00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:10,645 We don't block things out, Nicholas. We let them in. 375 00:28:10,755 --> 00:28:12,120 Let what in? 376 00:28:12,223 --> 00:28:14,555 There are millions of women in this city. 377 00:28:14,659 --> 00:28:17,890 Millions. Most of them are blessedly unaware of the countless ways... 378 00:28:17,996 --> 00:28:20,726 in which their bodies are exposed to our eyes. 379 00:28:20,832 --> 00:28:23,528 So, fiirst, learn to read the sun, where it sits. 380 00:28:23,635 --> 00:28:29,335 You'll notice... correlation between backlighting and transparency. 381 00:28:29,441 --> 00:28:32,467 They wear light-colored clothing, underwear shows right through. 382 00:28:32,577 --> 00:28:35,512 Bra straps, panty lines. No need to stretch or squint. 383 00:28:35,613 --> 00:28:39,743 It is there for us, okay? For example-- 384 00:28:47,358 --> 00:28:48,416 What? 385 00:28:48,526 --> 00:28:50,926 Are you blowing my cover like some construction worker? 386 00:28:51,029 --> 00:28:54,055 - No. I was just-- - Use your head. 387 00:28:54,966 --> 00:28:59,232 Step back. Let her pass. Okay? Give it a few seconds. 388 00:28:59,337 --> 00:29:02,704 Watch this, and then camouflage the move. Pay attention. 389 00:29:06,978 --> 00:29:09,640 Checking of the watch is good. Or of the pager. 390 00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:12,308 Or looking for a street sign like you're lost. 391 00:29:12,417 --> 00:29:15,011 You saw me do a combination. Whatever it is, don't get caught. 392 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,748 Do you think women have a clue what goes on up here? 393 00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:21,417 What do they think, it's just stock quotes, drill bit sizes? 394 00:29:21,526 --> 00:29:24,222 They don't know shit! Let's keep it that way. 395 00:29:24,329 --> 00:29:28,095 - All right. - Watch. What about your eyes? 396 00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:30,759 - What? My eyes? - Your eyes. How's your vision? 397 00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:33,429 - No, it's good. It's 20-20. - Okay. Peripheral? 398 00:29:33,538 --> 00:29:36,268 - I don't know. It's fiine, I guess. - Fine's not gonna cut it. 399 00:29:36,374 --> 00:29:39,832 You gotta work your muscles like you're training for the fucking Olympics. 400 00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:42,708 - Yeah. - Up, down, left, right, et cetera. 401 00:29:45,683 --> 00:29:47,378 - Here. Follow my fiinger. - Okay. 402 00:29:47,485 --> 00:29:49,112 - Tell me when it's gone. - All right. 403 00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:52,354 - Okay. Stop. - That's it? 404 00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:54,584 You need a hundred, a hundred and ten degrees... 405 00:29:54,692 --> 00:29:56,956 before you're ready for the street. 406 00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:59,029 I see behind me on a good day. 407 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,288 - You play video games? - Sure. 408 00:30:01,399 --> 00:30:03,299 Good. That stuff is training for the eyes. 409 00:30:03,401 --> 00:30:04,368 Registering images in a split second. 410 00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,596 It's invaluable. Oh. Right there. 411 00:30:06,704 --> 00:30:09,264 Blue sweater. Blue sweater. Median. Blue sweater. Blue sweater. 412 00:30:13,178 --> 00:30:15,908 That young lady just-- And you missed it. 413 00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:18,039 - I know. - In just a fraction of a second. 414 00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:21,846 That's all. But a trained eye can get in there for a look. 415 00:30:21,953 --> 00:30:24,513 You have to learn to anticipate your opportunities, okay? 416 00:30:24,622 --> 00:30:26,613 Getting out of a cab, wind from a subway grate... 417 00:30:26,724 --> 00:30:30,820 or as you so sadly missed there, bending over to pick something up. 418 00:30:30,929 --> 00:30:33,830 These are situations which require lightning reflexes. 419 00:30:33,932 --> 00:30:37,265 - I tell you, I can do that. - Your a step slow right now, Nick. 420 00:30:37,368 --> 00:30:40,929 Hey, no wonder. I remember what it's like out there. 421 00:30:41,039 --> 00:30:42,506 No interaction. No face time. 422 00:30:42,607 --> 00:30:45,770 Look at me. Every day I have the street, the subway, the ATM line... 423 00:30:45,877 --> 00:30:47,970 the offiice, the gym, the-- 424 00:30:48,079 --> 00:30:49,740 What have you got? 425 00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,408 Young people sitting in cars in Ohio. 426 00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:54,485 Wistful glances at the stoplight. 427 00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:56,417 No, I go to school. That's interaction. 428 00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:58,113 Okay. Let's work with that. 429 00:30:58,223 --> 00:31:00,589 The high school building is four stories, if memory serves. 430 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,557 - It's fiive stories now. - Whatever. 431 00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:05,891 It's multistory, and that means stairs, which is good. 432 00:31:05,997 --> 00:31:09,455 Free yourself from the tyranny of eye level. Come here. 433 00:31:09,567 --> 00:31:11,592 Use the angles. High for cleavage. 434 00:31:13,304 --> 00:31:16,762 - Low for the skirts. - All right. 435 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:20,504 Remember, there's no shame in calling on an old standby, right? 436 00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:23,342 Dropping of the pencil. Tying of the shoe.Just don't telegraph it. 437 00:31:23,448 --> 00:31:26,008 What about reflective surfaces? Mirrors, windows? 438 00:31:26,117 --> 00:31:28,210 What, in school? No, there's no mirrors. 439 00:31:28,319 --> 00:31:30,719 What about that ugly glass trophy case that-- 440 00:31:30,822 --> 00:31:32,756 - Yeah, that's there. - Well, use it. It's perfect. 441 00:31:32,857 --> 00:31:36,156 Go stand over there for a second. Keep going. Keep going. Stop. 442 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:40,861 If you can't stare directly, turn your back and use the glass. 443 00:31:40,965 --> 00:31:42,193 Hi, gorgeous. 444 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:45,736 Remember, angle of incidence equals angle of reflectives. 445 00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:49,398 In other words, if you can see them, they can see you. So be alert. 446 00:31:49,507 --> 00:31:51,737 - This is really complicated. - It's rocket science. 447 00:31:51,843 --> 00:31:54,403 - You were smart to ask for help. - I have a good one. 448 00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:56,241 When they're wearing short sleeves... 449 00:31:56,347 --> 00:31:59,407 and they raise their arms to fiix their hair, you can see in that gap there. 450 00:31:59,517 --> 00:32:02,782 Now, see? That shows me you're using your faculties. 451 00:32:02,887 --> 00:32:05,583 - Don't they know we can see in there? - Of course they do. 452 00:32:05,690 --> 00:32:08,454 Breasts are very sensitive. They know when they're exposed to air. 453 00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:13,822 Are women gonna walk around with their hands clamped to their sides? No. 454 00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:16,127 Their hair has to be dealt with eventually... 455 00:32:16,234 --> 00:32:20,261 and it is our job, it is our vocation to be ready. 456 00:32:20,371 --> 00:32:23,898 All right. So all this looking is fiine, but how do you take the next step? 457 00:32:24,008 --> 00:32:25,976 I need to meet someone. 458 00:32:30,381 --> 00:32:32,440 If you can't see how the two things are related... 459 00:32:32,550 --> 00:32:34,279 there's nothing I can do for you. 460 00:32:34,385 --> 00:32:36,785 - Wait. Relax. Come on. - You think we are kidding around here? 461 00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:39,049 - Do you think this is a joke? - No. Why do you think I'm here? 462 00:32:39,157 --> 00:32:42,888 - You have got to make sex a presence... - I'm sorry. 463 00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:44,928 - in your mind, in your life... - All right. 464 00:32:45,029 --> 00:32:46,826 - in your spirit. - I'm sorry. 465 00:32:51,035 --> 00:32:54,493 - All right. - What? No. I don't smoke. 466 00:32:54,605 --> 00:32:56,232 Better learn. 467 00:32:59,477 --> 00:33:02,344 - Okay. - Come on. 468 00:33:11,055 --> 00:33:13,023 Here. Wait here. 469 00:33:32,043 --> 00:33:34,375 Okay. Stay on this side of me. 470 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:41,985 Excuse us. 471 00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:49,626 In, in, in. Go, go, go. Hurry. 472 00:33:52,897 --> 00:33:54,364 Oh, yeah. 473 00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,765 Okay. We're in. 474 00:34:00,838 --> 00:34:02,066 Good. 475 00:34:02,173 --> 00:34:05,370 So, fiirst, a survey of the terrain. 476 00:34:10,615 --> 00:34:12,640 Technically, it's still happy hour. 477 00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,983 Your casual drinkers have yet to pack it in. Lots of groups. 478 00:34:17,088 --> 00:34:20,251 Not exactly ideal for our purposes, but not impossible. 479 00:34:20,358 --> 00:34:22,918 So, we need to make an impression. 480 00:34:23,027 --> 00:34:26,485 Send out a signal that back here is the place to be. 481 00:34:26,597 --> 00:34:28,963 All right. What do you do? What do you say? 482 00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,092 Who cares? You're overcomplicating it. 483 00:34:31,202 --> 00:34:34,000 You spend the whole night sitting here thinking of the perfect line... 484 00:34:34,105 --> 00:34:35,629 what good is that? 485 00:34:35,740 --> 00:34:40,734 Just make contact. Separate yourself from the rabble. Watch this. 486 00:34:44,282 --> 00:34:47,251 Hey! Roses. Rosebud. 487 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,649 Hi. Come here. 488 00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:52,552 Come here. Come here. Come here. 489 00:34:58,729 --> 00:35:02,392 Hi. Could you-- 490 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,162 Could I get you to take a-- Yeah. 491 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:12,373 - Hey. - Nick here thinks you're beautiful. 492 00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:16,914 If he's got such good taste, what's he doing hanging out with you? 493 00:35:18,015 --> 00:35:19,505 Good question. Nick? 494 00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:27,521 - Because he's my uncle? - How awful for you. 495 00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,452 And so on. No big deal, right? 496 00:35:32,563 --> 00:35:35,191 Now she's aware of our presence, and we can plot our strategy. 497 00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:38,757 I'm gonna get us some drinks. While I'm there, think of a hook. 498 00:35:39,704 --> 00:35:43,299 - What? A hook? - A hook. A line. An opening salvo. 499 00:35:43,407 --> 00:35:47,343 Any minute now, Rosebud is going to be standing right here... 500 00:35:47,445 --> 00:35:49,970 looking down at you, and you're going to have one chance... 501 00:35:50,081 --> 00:35:53,710 to either hit it out of the park or strike out miserably. 502 00:35:54,886 --> 00:35:56,046 Be ready. 503 00:36:31,689 --> 00:36:33,816 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 504 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,321 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 505 00:36:41,899 --> 00:36:45,426 Hello, Nick. Your uncle says you have something to tell me... 506 00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:48,266 that will absolutely blow my mind. 507 00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:54,003 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Those were his exact words. 508 00:36:56,147 --> 00:36:58,240 Is he playing a little joke on us? 509 00:37:01,419 --> 00:37:03,683 No, no. He's serious. 510 00:37:03,788 --> 00:37:06,348 I mean, he's... totally serious. 511 00:37:07,325 --> 00:37:09,316 - Tonight. - Sorry. 512 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,691 Thanks. As I was-- 513 00:37:14,799 --> 00:37:16,767 - Tonight. - Right, I was saying that... 514 00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:20,329 I was saying that tonight is a-- 515 00:37:20,438 --> 00:37:23,134 Tonight is a very important night for me. 516 00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,869 I was just telling her that we made a bet. 517 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:29,276 - A bet? - Uh-huh. We made a bet for $ 1 ,000. 518 00:37:32,717 --> 00:37:35,584 That I can get somebody to... 519 00:37:35,686 --> 00:37:37,677 like, fall in love with me. 520 00:37:40,825 --> 00:37:42,588 Really? 521 00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:48,762 Love. That's a hard thing to verify, don't you think? 522 00:37:48,866 --> 00:37:51,266 No, I think we can do it. 523 00:37:51,369 --> 00:37:53,166 I'm confiident we can. 524 00:37:54,872 --> 00:37:56,237 A thousand dollars? 525 00:37:56,340 --> 00:37:58,399 That's not exactly mind-blowing... 526 00:37:58,509 --> 00:38:01,910 but it's not the worse line I'll hear tonight. 527 00:38:03,147 --> 00:38:05,047 What? Really? 528 00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:08,476 Yeah. Good job, Nick. 529 00:38:08,586 --> 00:38:11,316 - So, do we rate a sit-down? - I'm waiting for a friend. 530 00:38:11,422 --> 00:38:13,322 I'll run it by her when she shows up. 531 00:38:13,424 --> 00:38:16,120 Get her over here. There's cash at stake. 532 00:38:16,227 --> 00:38:20,027 If we do, who sits with who? 533 00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:22,656 Ladies' choice. Natural selection. 534 00:38:28,606 --> 00:38:30,972 I wanna sit with him. 535 00:38:33,644 --> 00:38:35,612 Yes, yes. 536 00:38:48,492 --> 00:38:49,652 What is this? 537 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:52,558 Rum and coke. I told him to mix it weak. We got a long way to go here. 538 00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:55,530 - Okay. I don't drink. - You kidding me? Take a drink. 539 00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:59,069 - I don't put alcohol into my body. - You drink that drink. 540 00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:03,966 Loss of inhibition is crucial to your success tonight, okay? 541 00:39:04,075 --> 00:39:06,839 Alcohol has been a social lubricant for thousands of years. 542 00:39:06,944 --> 00:39:10,402 You think you're gonna sit here tonight and reinvent the wheel? Please. 543 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:20,880 All right. Now, you did one very good thing. You lied. 544 00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:24,017 You made something up. Keep that part of your brain working. 545 00:39:24,128 --> 00:39:27,620 We get those girls over here, your fiirst instinct is gonna be to open up. 546 00:39:27,732 --> 00:39:31,065 To tell the truth. Fight it!Just keep it interesting. 547 00:39:31,168 --> 00:39:34,569 Play up your novelty. You're a 1 6-year-old in a bar. 548 00:39:34,672 --> 00:39:38,574 Why? ''My father owns the bar.'' You got a month to live. 549 00:39:38,676 --> 00:39:41,440 You're an actor researching-- I don't know. Improvise. 550 00:39:41,545 --> 00:39:43,945 Next, check the time. What time is it? 551 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:45,675 It's about 7:02. 552 00:39:45,783 --> 00:39:49,116 - Do you have a MedicAlert bracelet? - No, it's instructions. 553 00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,916 I'm having my body cryogenically frozen if I die prematurely. 554 00:39:59,196 --> 00:40:01,391 All right. Leave it. It's spastic enough to be charming. 555 00:40:01,499 --> 00:40:03,899 So, the time. 7:00. 556 00:40:04,001 --> 00:40:07,528 We've got nine hours until closing time. An eternity. 557 00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:10,432 Look at me, Nick, and answer me this question. 558 00:40:10,541 --> 00:40:12,270 All right. 559 00:40:13,577 --> 00:40:17,138 Who is the greatest basketball player in the history of the game? 560 00:40:18,649 --> 00:40:21,117 - Do you mean ever? - Come on. This is easy. 561 00:40:22,486 --> 00:40:24,386 - Michael Jordan? - Michael Jordan. 562 00:40:24,488 --> 00:40:26,786 Why was he the greatest? Because he paced himself. 563 00:40:26,891 --> 00:40:29,121 Because he always had something left at the fiinish. 564 00:40:29,226 --> 00:40:31,786 Magic Johnson called it ''winning time.'' See those guys over there? 565 00:40:35,366 --> 00:40:38,130 Yeah. Those guys think they're kicking ass. 566 00:40:38,235 --> 00:40:39,964 Believe me, it is early. 567 00:40:40,070 --> 00:40:42,265 We are a long way from winning time, so pay attention. 568 00:40:42,373 --> 00:40:44,432 - Okay. - You say you want it. 569 00:40:44,542 --> 00:40:46,169 If you really wanted it... 570 00:40:47,144 --> 00:40:50,739 you'd be in here, suffering the tortures of the damned with those guys. 571 00:40:50,848 --> 00:40:53,078 - What? - There's a big difference between... 572 00:40:53,184 --> 00:40:56,585 being horny and being willing to put in the time night after night-- 573 00:40:56,687 --> 00:41:00,179 I want it. Okay? I go to high school. You don't think that's torture? 574 00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:02,452 This is a lot of information. 575 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,585 I'm giving you the keys to the kingdom. 576 00:41:04,695 --> 00:41:05,957 Yeah, I know. 577 00:41:06,063 --> 00:41:08,258 How many boys your age get an opportunity like this? 578 00:41:08,365 --> 00:41:09,332 Yes. 579 00:41:09,433 --> 00:41:12,197 So, stick your fiinger down your throat. Drink ice water, call it gin-- 580 00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:15,932 I don't care what you do. Be ready to dive in at the moment of truth. 581 00:41:18,442 --> 00:41:22,606 So... how often do you, like... 582 00:41:23,747 --> 00:41:26,215 you know, like, get somebody to go home with you? 583 00:41:28,986 --> 00:41:30,544 Every night. 584 00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:32,346 Bullshit. 585 00:41:32,456 --> 00:41:35,152 Just because you're not having sex, doesn't mean the rest of us... 586 00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:37,056 are sitting around playing cribbage. 587 00:41:39,463 --> 00:41:40,987 What's cribbage? 588 00:41:42,967 --> 00:41:45,094 - What? What? - Here we go. Here we go. 589 00:41:46,136 --> 00:41:48,536 Here they come. This is so stupid. They're, like, twice my age. 590 00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:51,665 Champions refuse to lose. Be like Mike. 591 00:41:51,775 --> 00:41:54,335 Here we are. As promised. For one drink. 592 00:41:54,445 --> 00:41:58,905 - I'm Andrea, and this is Sophie. - I'm Roger. This is my nephew, Nick. 593 00:41:59,016 --> 00:42:01,348 - Hi. - He really is, like, 1 6. 594 00:42:01,452 --> 00:42:03,352 - I told you. - Sit down. 595 00:42:03,454 --> 00:42:05,422 How'd you get in here, Nick? 596 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:09,254 It's funny you should... ask me that. 597 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:13,387 'Cause we were, before, discussing it, and-- 598 00:42:14,498 --> 00:42:15,624 Never you mind. 599 00:42:15,733 --> 00:42:18,293 I'm enjoying the air of intrigue Nick brings to our booth. 600 00:42:18,402 --> 00:42:20,927 - Cheers, everyone. - I told Sophie about your little bet. 601 00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:22,505 She thinks you're full of it. 602 00:42:22,606 --> 00:42:24,164 There's nothing little about a thousand dollars. 603 00:42:24,275 --> 00:42:26,869 He's got to get someone to fall in love with him? 604 00:42:26,977 --> 00:42:29,537 - A woman. - A woman? 605 00:42:29,647 --> 00:42:32,844 Does it have to be a woman? What if some guy takes a shine to you? 606 00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:36,853 I guess that would count, 'cause we never discussed what gender-- 607 00:42:36,954 --> 00:42:40,720 If Nick is willing to exploit that little loophole, he can have the money. 608 00:42:40,824 --> 00:42:43,349 - What were you guys talking about? - I don't know. 609 00:42:43,460 --> 00:42:47,396 - What were we talking about? - We were talking about women. 610 00:42:47,498 --> 00:42:50,956 Specifiically, the pleasure to be derived from admiring the female form. 611 00:42:52,670 --> 00:42:55,161 Imagine what it feels like to be admired all day long. 612 00:42:55,272 --> 00:42:58,070 - Really. - You'd rather be completely anonymous? 613 00:42:58,175 --> 00:43:00,006 - Not completely anonymous. - Not anonymous. 614 00:43:00,110 --> 00:43:03,136 I myself would welcome the sensation of a hundred pair of eyes... 615 00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:05,647 caressing my... booty as I walk down the street. 616 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,182 Guys always say that. 617 00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:09,616 Yeah. ''We'd love it if women were always staring.'' 618 00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:10,880 We would. 619 00:43:10,988 --> 00:43:14,082 You would love it if no woman ever listened to a word you were saying... 620 00:43:14,191 --> 00:43:17,922 and just kept her eyes locked on your chest or your crotch? 621 00:43:18,028 --> 00:43:20,292 If it led to having sex all the time, I would not mind. 622 00:43:20,397 --> 00:43:23,491 You could deal with never being heard, never being taken seriously? 623 00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:26,593 If I had something that needed saying, I would wait until right after sex. 624 00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:31,435 Seriously, for a second, just stop saying the obvious thing. 625 00:43:31,542 --> 00:43:34,340 Think what it would be like if on every bus... 626 00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,846 there were huge pictures of your naked body. 627 00:43:37,948 --> 00:43:41,076 - And on every billboard-- - Magazine. 628 00:43:41,185 --> 00:43:43,449 That's right-- it was just about your body. 629 00:43:43,554 --> 00:43:47,581 There was so much time and money and energy spent obsessing and analyzing... 630 00:43:47,691 --> 00:43:50,854 trying to get a glimpse of your body, that soon it felt like... 631 00:43:50,961 --> 00:43:52,861 the world had forgotten about everything else... 632 00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:55,022 and you end up feeling... 633 00:43:55,132 --> 00:43:57,828 disconnected from your own body, like it's not even yours. 634 00:43:59,470 --> 00:44:02,530 If you're really serious about avoiding the male gaze-- 635 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:06,098 - If the goal is anonymity-- - I never said the goal was anonymity. 636 00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:07,939 Here's a little suggestion, okay? 637 00:44:08,045 --> 00:44:10,275 Putting on makeup. Styling your hair. 638 00:44:10,381 --> 00:44:14,408 Wearing a killer outfiit and coming to a place like this on a Friday night. 639 00:44:14,518 --> 00:44:17,646 That's when it gets interesting, because at a certain point... 640 00:44:17,755 --> 00:44:20,553 - you start internalizing the male gaze. - Not the best course of action. 641 00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:23,218 Male gaze. Madison Avenue. Fucking patriarchy. 642 00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:25,227 Whatever it is, it's done its number on you. 643 00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:28,662 Do you think you have any control over who you fiind attractive? 644 00:44:28,766 --> 00:44:31,462 - Of course we do. - I think not, and I'll prove it to you. 645 00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:36,870 Ask any woman, ''What's the single most attractive quality a man can possess?'' 646 00:44:36,974 --> 00:44:39,408 - And what do they invariably answer? - Sense of humor. 647 00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:41,978 - Sense of humor. - Sense of humor is huge. Defiinitely. 648 00:44:42,079 --> 00:44:46,539 And yet, if two lean, mean, play-by-their-own-rules... 649 00:44:46,650 --> 00:44:51,110 motorcycle-riding men strolled up to this booth... 650 00:44:51,221 --> 00:44:55,123 and beat the shit out of us two humorous guys, right... 651 00:44:55,959 --> 00:44:58,427 and asked you out for a ride, you would be weak at the knees. 652 00:44:58,529 --> 00:45:00,861 - No way. - Weak at the knees. 653 00:45:00,964 --> 00:45:03,592 Well, actually, guys who ride cycles are pretty sexy. 654 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:05,828 - Thank you. You see? - Sorry. 655 00:45:05,936 --> 00:45:10,168 The fact is that touchy-feely, weepy, in-touch-with-their-feelings guys... 656 00:45:10,274 --> 00:45:12,208 make you sick-- you're repulsed by them. 657 00:45:12,309 --> 00:45:14,937 Give me the Ice Age, okay? Survival of the fiittest. 658 00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:18,606 No mixed signals. No bullshit. 659 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:21,947 Just the meanest, hairiest bastard wins all the time. 660 00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:23,849 Let's change the subject right now. 661 00:45:23,954 --> 00:45:28,721 You know, it's interesting. All this looking is so masculine. 662 00:45:28,826 --> 00:45:31,556 I mean, you guys are just about the visuals. 663 00:45:31,662 --> 00:45:34,392 Really. Why is it that when I'm going down on a guy-- 664 00:45:34,498 --> 00:45:37,262 - Sophie! - No, really. 665 00:45:37,367 --> 00:45:39,699 Why is it that when I'm doing my thing... 666 00:45:39,803 --> 00:45:41,703 why is it that men always insist on watching? 667 00:45:41,805 --> 00:45:44,740 Why can't you just close your eyes and concentrate on the feeling? 668 00:45:44,842 --> 00:45:47,037 It's not the most flattering activity for a woman. 669 00:45:47,144 --> 00:45:49,874 I'm not sure that that's a-- Maybe we can help. 670 00:45:49,980 --> 00:45:53,780 Nick, jump in here. A woman is doing her thing. 671 00:45:55,052 --> 00:45:57,020 Why do we have to watch? 672 00:46:00,491 --> 00:46:03,460 Well, maybe to make sure that it's actually happening? 673 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,029 I'll buy that. Make sure we're not hallucinating. 674 00:46:07,131 --> 00:46:10,828 And maybe to fiile it away, in case it's a long time before the next one. 675 00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:14,392 Two excellent answers. Perhaps you'd elaborate on the fiiling it away part? 676 00:46:14,505 --> 00:46:15,995 File it away for what? 677 00:46:17,908 --> 00:46:20,399 - Oh. I don't know. - Come on, Nick. 678 00:46:20,511 --> 00:46:22,979 We're fiinally treading on some familiar territory here. 679 00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:26,447 Mom's in the kitchen making Jell-O with fruit. 680 00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:28,677 - You lock yourself in the bathroom-- - Don't sweat it, Nick. 681 00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:30,686 I grew up with three brothers. 682 00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:33,586 The closets were pornography museums. More visuals. 683 00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,426 You're right about the visual thing. 684 00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:38,427 It always drives me nuts when I hear a guy... 685 00:46:38,529 --> 00:46:41,430 going on about something a girl does that's supposed to be so sexy. 686 00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:44,968 - Like what kind of thing? - Like how she flips her hair. 687 00:46:45,068 --> 00:46:47,366 How she stands with one foot to the side. It could be anything. 688 00:46:47,471 --> 00:46:49,871 - What's wrong with that? - Because that's nothing. 689 00:46:49,973 --> 00:46:51,838 That's just something she does. 690 00:46:51,942 --> 00:46:54,968 And she probably only does it because she saw it in a movie. 691 00:46:55,078 --> 00:46:57,103 It's not their real stuff. 692 00:46:57,214 --> 00:47:00,342 All that stuff-- the hair flips, the mannerisms, the catch phrases. 693 00:47:00,450 --> 00:47:04,181 They add up to the personality. So they are what's real. 694 00:47:04,288 --> 00:47:07,621 Yeah, but it's all the outside stuff. That's fiine in the beginning. 695 00:47:07,724 --> 00:47:09,453 You need the outside stuff. 696 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,460 You need, like, the reasons to be in love. 697 00:47:11,562 --> 00:47:13,462 But you can get past that to the part... 698 00:47:13,564 --> 00:47:15,191 where the little tricks don't mean anything. 699 00:47:15,299 --> 00:47:18,393 I say you are attracted to what is in front of you. End of story. 700 00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:19,730 How romantic. 701 00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:23,533 It takes years and years together. 702 00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:25,267 - Yeah? - I can't describe it exactly... 703 00:47:25,375 --> 00:47:27,536 but it's like there's nothing she can do. 704 00:47:27,644 --> 00:47:30,545 All her usual ways of hooking you in have no effect... 705 00:47:30,647 --> 00:47:32,638 and yet you're still in love. 706 00:47:32,749 --> 00:47:34,649 It's like the act is over... 707 00:47:34,751 --> 00:47:36,685 and you get to the part she's been hiding. 708 00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:40,587 And she's been hiding it because she thinks that's the part... 709 00:47:40,691 --> 00:47:43,990 that's gonna blow it or make you leave or get bored... 710 00:47:44,094 --> 00:47:47,655 but you get to that part, and you're still there. 711 00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,224 And you're even more in love. 712 00:47:55,973 --> 00:47:57,201 Wow. 713 00:47:57,307 --> 00:48:00,538 Have you met my nephew? His name is Jesus. 714 00:48:00,644 --> 00:48:02,441 How old are you, Nick? 715 00:48:02,546 --> 00:48:03,843 I'm 1 6. 716 00:48:03,947 --> 00:48:07,474 Stay strong, Sophie. There's a thousand of my dollars at stake here. 717 00:48:07,584 --> 00:48:10,212 Are we still on a one-drink limit? 718 00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:13,346 - I think we can have one more. - Yeah, I'm in. 719 00:48:13,457 --> 00:48:15,687 Great. Scootch out of there, Sophie. 720 00:48:15,792 --> 00:48:17,851 - Who wants what? - Sophie knows what I like. 721 00:48:17,961 --> 00:48:20,555 -Just some ice water, please. - Okay, that's charming. 722 00:48:20,664 --> 00:48:21,790 Nick? 723 00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:25,801 A player might consider taking advantage of this time alone with Andrea. 724 00:48:25,903 --> 00:48:28,599 Andrea. Yeah. You can take your time. 725 00:48:38,649 --> 00:48:40,617 - Hi. - Hey. 726 00:48:42,185 --> 00:48:44,380 - What's the deal with your uncle? - I don't know. 727 00:48:44,488 --> 00:48:47,753 This is really the fiirst time I've hung out with him socially. 728 00:48:48,625 --> 00:48:51,719 - Do you live in the city? - I live in Ohio with my mom. 729 00:48:52,663 --> 00:48:54,631 She and Roger don't really speak anymore. 730 00:48:55,465 --> 00:48:56,727 Ohio? 731 00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,895 Do you have a girlfriend back home? 732 00:49:01,004 --> 00:49:02,972 No. Not right now. 733 00:49:11,682 --> 00:49:15,345 Nick, can you do me a favor? 734 00:49:15,452 --> 00:49:16,919 Okay. 735 00:49:27,264 --> 00:49:29,027 Pick that up. 736 00:49:32,369 --> 00:49:34,997 - Protein for stamina. - Let's switch, Andrea. 737 00:49:35,105 --> 00:49:37,699 - Okay. I suppose it's your turn. - Yeah, good idea. 738 00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:42,040 Keep things fresh and help us fiight that second-round lag. 739 00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,705 - What's that? - That's a conversational lag... 740 00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:48,148 that often occurs after the ordering of the second round. 741 00:49:48,251 --> 00:49:51,948 Actually, Nick was telling me about you and your relationship with his mother. 742 00:49:52,055 --> 00:49:55,718 - No secret there. She's my sister. - Your relationship with her. 743 00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:58,852 Not your relationship to her. Nick says they don't speak. 744 00:49:58,962 --> 00:50:02,056 That's terrible. I mean, you need your family. 745 00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:05,362 - Yeah. - What do you think happened, Nick? 746 00:50:06,403 --> 00:50:09,668 My mom's a lot older than Roger. Like nine years. 747 00:50:09,773 --> 00:50:12,037 You must have been quite the little surprise, Roger. 748 00:50:12,142 --> 00:50:14,838 A nine-year gap doesn't necessarily mean an unplanned pregnancy. 749 00:50:16,446 --> 00:50:19,313 But, apparently, I did come as a bit of a surprise. 750 00:50:19,416 --> 00:50:21,384 Really? I didn't know that. 751 00:50:21,485 --> 00:50:23,885 That doesn't explain why you and your sister don't get along. 752 00:50:23,987 --> 00:50:26,683 Let's just say we don't have much in common. 753 00:50:27,457 --> 00:50:30,893 My mom says that when Roger was little, he could talk himself out of anything. 754 00:50:30,994 --> 00:50:33,121 He never got in trouble, even when he got caught. 755 00:50:33,230 --> 00:50:37,496 - She called him ''Roger Dodger.'' - That's perfect for you. 756 00:50:37,601 --> 00:50:40,900 There's nothing wrong with a high verbal ability. Nick's got it too. 757 00:50:41,004 --> 00:50:43,131 I wanna be like Granddad. He almost never talks. 758 00:50:43,240 --> 00:50:45,765 But when he does, everyone kind of leans forward. 759 00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:47,844 You know, my dad's like that. 760 00:50:47,944 --> 00:50:50,572 The difference being that what my father has to say is usually... 761 00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:52,705 some variation on, ''Get me another scotch.'' 762 00:50:52,816 --> 00:50:55,080 - Like father, like son? - No, like daughter. 763 00:50:55,185 --> 00:50:56,812 - I get my-- - Whose daughter? 764 00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,445 - What do you mean, ''like daughter?'' - No joke. 765 00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:03,083 Mom keeps a bottle in the laundry basket. She has for years. 766 00:51:05,195 --> 00:51:06,719 - Oh, God, Nick. - That's awful. 767 00:51:06,830 --> 00:51:10,527 She's not a wreck or anything. She's just-- What do you call it? 768 00:51:10,634 --> 00:51:12,568 - High-functioning. - Yeah. That's Susan all right. 769 00:51:12,669 --> 00:51:14,637 She's always functioned at a high level. 770 00:51:14,738 --> 00:51:18,504 - She's just really high, you know? - How can you joke about that? 771 00:51:18,608 --> 00:51:21,133 You can joke about anything that has to do with yourself. 772 00:51:21,244 --> 00:51:23,235 It's a basic human right. Isn't that right, Nick? 773 00:51:24,581 --> 00:51:27,243 I think that's constitutional or something. 774 00:51:27,350 --> 00:51:30,649 Freedom of speech. Freedom to joke. 775 00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:33,018 You know what? I need the ladies' room. 776 00:51:33,123 --> 00:51:35,455 Let's let the boys discuss these new revelations. 777 00:51:35,559 --> 00:51:37,117 - Good idea. - I don't-- All right. 778 00:51:37,227 --> 00:51:38,694 All right. 779 00:51:40,964 --> 00:51:42,932 Be careful. We'll be waiting. 780 00:51:44,734 --> 00:51:46,634 Are you sure you want to get laid tonight? 781 00:51:46,736 --> 00:51:48,363 I thought you would like to know that. 782 00:51:48,472 --> 00:51:50,372 I am not the one who is here to learn. 783 00:51:50,474 --> 00:51:52,374 For most of us, this is a forgetting place. 784 00:51:52,476 --> 00:51:54,307 - All right? - We were talking about Granddad. 785 00:51:54,411 --> 00:51:56,311 - I fiigured-- - You felt qualifiied to jump in... 786 00:51:56,413 --> 00:51:58,313 and expound on that particular topic? 787 00:51:58,415 --> 00:51:59,814 That's right. I'm sorry. 788 00:51:59,916 --> 00:52:02,976 You're an expert on that subject now. You guys are joined at the fucking hip. 789 00:52:03,086 --> 00:52:04,986 I wanted to keep the conversation going. 790 00:52:05,088 --> 00:52:07,352 There are four of us in this booth. 791 00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,516 Think of it as a game of bridge. 792 00:52:11,628 --> 00:52:14,893 In bridge, you have two sets of partners, okay? 793 00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,898 If you hope to become the kind of man... 794 00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,900 that other men choose to go into battle with... 795 00:52:19,002 --> 00:52:21,368 you have to learn to read your partner. 796 00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:24,440 It should have been obvious I don't want to talk about the family tonight.