1
00:00:18,095 --> 00:00:21,676
IAN: We open up against
Michigan in two weeks.
2
00:00:22,414 --> 00:00:26,101
Coach's got me hitting
the bench pretty hard.
3
00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:33,358
Shit. How much is a lot?
4
00:00:34,350 --> 00:00:37,036
One... No, two.
5
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:44,178
I'm putting up three hundy.
6
00:00:52,366 --> 00:00:55,053
Well, let's see, Tasty.
7
00:00:57,389 --> 00:00:59,475
(EXHALES)
8
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,227
Wow!
9
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,790
Um...
10
00:01:04,844 --> 00:01:08,042
Wow, you're really pretty.
I've never seen...
11
00:01:08,043 --> 00:01:09,258
No, stop it, stop it.
12
00:01:09,259 --> 00:01:13,551
Don't be so fucking desperate.
Come on, be a dick. Be cool.
13
00:01:14,732 --> 00:01:18,029
MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME: Don't be
a pussy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.
14
00:01:20,299 --> 00:01:21,867
Yeah.
15
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:23,725
Not bad.
16
00:01:24,427 --> 00:01:26,219
I've seen better.
17
00:01:30,730 --> 00:01:32,905
Yeah, whatever.
18
00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:38,346
Coach's got us running two-a-days,
so I gotta bounce.
19
00:01:55,402 --> 00:01:57,455
(BLANKET RUSTLES)
20
00:01:59,977 --> 00:02:04,170
Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
21
00:02:04,393 --> 00:02:06,414
Shh!
22
00:02:07,912 --> 00:02:09,835
(GASPING)
23
00:02:36,903 --> 00:02:39,077
(GROANING)
24
00:03:04,037 --> 00:03:05,764
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
25
00:03:05,765 --> 00:03:08,419
(SNORING)
26
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:24,484
Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,
27
00:03:24,485 --> 00:03:26,532
so if you want a ride to work
you better get your poop in a group.
28
00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:30,212
- Okay, I'll be right down.
- No. Now, Clay Aiken.
29
00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:31,939
Hey...
30
00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:34,531
- Ow! Cut it out.
- Hurts, doesn't it?
31
00:03:34,532 --> 00:03:36,644
Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.
32
00:03:36,645 --> 00:03:39,844
Hey, sorry, Big D. Just go back to sleep.
33
00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,211
- You, get up.
- Give me a minute.
34
00:03:42,212 --> 00:03:43,427
What are you hiding?
35
00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:45,443
You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
36
00:03:45,444 --> 00:03:50,181
Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
Oh! What the F?
37
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,066
Good. My boys are all here.
38
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,017
- Dad, Ian's free...
- Can it, Rex.
39
00:03:54,018 --> 00:03:57,379
Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,
so ears open.
40
00:03:57,380 --> 00:04:00,290
Last night,
your old man popped the question.
41
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,377
(LAUGHS)
42
00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,042
Show them, Karen.
43
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,380
(EXCLAIMING)
44
00:04:05,571 --> 00:04:07,844
I'm so happy.
45
00:04:08,387 --> 00:04:09,442
(LAUGHS)
46
00:04:09,443 --> 00:04:11,873
Hey, way to go!
47
00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:15,201
Ian, you wanna get off your duff
and come over here and give Karen a hug?
48
00:04:15,202 --> 00:04:16,256
Um...
49
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:19,810
- Yeah, Ian, get up. You're being rude.
- Can we do that later?
50
00:04:19,811 --> 00:04:23,654
- Damn it, Ian, get up...
- No, no, honey. It's okay.
51
00:04:23,778 --> 00:04:28,580
We have to give him time
to get used to the idea.
52
00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:31,199
IAN'S DAD: Karen?
REX: Are you okay?
53
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,152
IAN'S DAD: Karen? Karen, honey?
REX: You okay?
54
00:04:33,153 --> 00:04:34,751
Sweetheart?
55
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:36,606
What smells like jizz?
56
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:38,430
(LET'S GET IT UP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
57
00:04:38,431 --> 00:04:40,519
(HONKING)
58
00:04:41,633 --> 00:04:44,799
Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!
59
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,040
(ENGINE REVVING)
60
00:04:52,736 --> 00:04:53,791
(LAUGHS)
61
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,634
Come on, get in. Get in!
62
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,615
(GRUNTS)
63
00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:04,927
(REX LAUGHING)
64
00:05:04,928 --> 00:05:06,851
REX: You suck!
65
00:05:08,095 --> 00:05:11,808
Okay, seriously.
Quit being such a fag and get in.
66
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:18,013
(SINGING) Never go down
So let's get it up
67
00:05:18,014 --> 00:05:19,644
(SINGING ALONG)
68
00:05:19,645 --> 00:05:21,950
(COUGHS)
69
00:05:21,951 --> 00:05:25,946
Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want a straight answer.
70
00:05:26,142 --> 00:05:27,997
- You queer?
- What?
71
00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:30,428
- God damn it! I knew it!
- I didn't say anything.
72
00:05:30,429 --> 00:05:32,701
Exactly. If someone asks you
if you're a pole smoker,
73
00:05:32,702 --> 00:05:36,060
you just deny it, straight off.
No pause, no farting around.
74
00:05:36,061 --> 00:05:37,180
Rex, I'm not gay.
75
00:05:37,181 --> 00:05:40,251
Ian, you're 18,
and you've never had a girlfriend.
76
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:42,909
That's how people wind up getting gay,
you know.
77
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,860
I don't think that's really how it happens.
78
00:05:44,861 --> 00:05:47,228
Is that not how it happens?
So tell me how it happens, expert.
79
00:05:47,229 --> 00:05:49,628
Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.
80
00:05:49,629 --> 00:05:51,612
Hey, what do you like better,
the shaft or the balls?
81
00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:53,659
That's gross.
I don't know why you're talking about it.
82
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,899
Look, every guy's got a fantasy
about another guy,
83
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:59,547
but you got to bury that shit way down.
This is America, God damn it.
84
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:03,451
There is...
There is a girl that I've been kind of...
85
00:06:03,452 --> 00:06:06,299
All right, I'm listening.
Where'd you meet her?
86
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,379
On the... Online.
87
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,435
(TIRES SQUEALING)
88
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:12,858
What? For fuck's sake, Ian,
don't you watch Dateline?
89
00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:17,114
She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude
who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
90
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:21,209
But you'd love that, wouldn't you?
'Cause you're a homo.
91
00:06:30,363 --> 00:06:34,042
REX: Try not to come home any gayer
than you are now.
92
00:06:34,490 --> 00:06:37,591
(GO T YOU PLAYING)
93
00:06:40,697 --> 00:06:45,240
(SINGING) Hey
94
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:48,664
What's your favorite song?
95
00:06:48,665 --> 00:06:52,061
Maybe we could hum along
96
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:59,326
Well, I think you're smart,
you sweet thing
97
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:04,987
Tell me your name,
I'm dying here
98
00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:13,684
Got you where I want you
99
00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:16,244
Yeah
100
00:07:21,302 --> 00:07:23,159
(SIGHS)
101
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:29,590
- Hey, Becca. How are you?
- I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.
102
00:07:29,591 --> 00:07:33,622
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca.
Looks like you had a long, nasty night.
103
00:07:33,623 --> 00:07:37,366
- Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno.
- Whatever. You guys are gross.
104
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:42,420
- I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
- Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
105
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:48,059
- No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
- Please, Ian.
106
00:07:49,559 --> 00:07:51,896
I love you so much.
107
00:07:53,622 --> 00:07:57,433
IAN: Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.
108
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,412
- Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
- Thanks.
109
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,619
You're welcome. Sorry.
110
00:08:02,293 --> 00:08:04,755
Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?
111
00:08:04,756 --> 00:08:09,108
- It's just past the movie theater.
- Thanks, man.
112
00:08:09,109 --> 00:08:11,479
(LAUGHING)
113
00:08:12,917 --> 00:08:15,003
Yeah, real funny.
114
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:20,244
Free donuts, free coupons.
115
00:08:20,245 --> 00:08:23,160
TIFFANY: Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?
116
00:08:34,068 --> 00:08:38,063
Well, you look nice.
117
00:08:38,099 --> 00:08:40,242
You know, sweetie,
there's still time to have your boobs done
118
00:08:40,243 --> 00:08:41,426
before my wedding.
119
00:08:41,427 --> 00:08:43,857
Darren and I already discussed them,
and he said he'd pay for it.
120
00:08:43,858 --> 00:08:47,570
I mean, he's a dentist,
so it's totally not a big deal.
121
00:08:48,209 --> 00:08:50,290
Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
122
00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,338
Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?
123
00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:55,796
Oh, no. I was just hoping
you could slit my wrists for me quickly.
124
00:08:55,797 --> 00:08:59,125
My husband killed himself last Christmas.
125
00:09:00,114 --> 00:09:03,825
I am so sorry. I was just...
126
00:09:03,826 --> 00:09:08,912
Hello. This is a coupon
for six free donuts. Donuts?
127
00:09:09,457 --> 00:09:15,089
Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.
128
00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:17,968
Hey, sweetheart, listen.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
129
00:09:17,969 --> 00:09:19,888
but your whole trying too hard thing,
130
00:09:19,889 --> 00:09:22,511
it's just coming across as needy,
you know?
131
00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:24,815
And I think you're better than that,
Kimberly.
132
00:09:24,816 --> 00:09:29,678
- But all I was saying was that...
- Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?
133
00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:31,664
I mean, Christ,
I'm out buying him clothes right now.
134
00:09:31,665 --> 00:09:35,439
He's 18 years old.
I don't have to do that shit anymore.
135
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,461
Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,
I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.
136
00:09:41,327 --> 00:09:44,975
Well, it's official, Lance,
your mom's still bat-shit crazy.
137
00:09:44,976 --> 00:09:47,247
What? You're telling me
she doesn't shit-talk me?
138
00:09:47,248 --> 00:09:50,093
No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.
139
00:09:50,094 --> 00:09:52,879
All right. Let me give you some advice,
Lance, all right?
140
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,823
Don't ever get married.
Just an endless parade of horseshit.
141
00:09:55,824 --> 00:09:59,438
And whatever you do, man,
always wear a rubber. Christ.
142
00:09:59,439 --> 00:10:02,221
Nice. Always classy.
143
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:06,513
Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
Come on, dawg.
144
00:10:09,357 --> 00:10:13,748
Hey, sir. I've got something yummy
for your little girl.
145
00:10:14,254 --> 00:10:15,533
(SCREAMING)
146
00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:20,010
Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!
147
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,850
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
148
00:10:24,494 --> 00:10:28,396
- Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?
- I don't know.
149
00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:30,763
Is there a cock and balls
on the front of me again?
150
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,832
- Like a little tree trunk.
- IAN: Thank you.
151
00:10:34,254 --> 00:10:36,721
Oh, my God.
152
00:10:38,894 --> 00:10:42,764
- Whoa. You look pretty.
- God, shut up, Ian!
153
00:10:42,765 --> 00:10:46,571
What? I'm just saying,
you usually dress so... You look nice.
154
00:10:46,572 --> 00:10:48,875
Ian, why do you got to work the mouth
when you talk to us?
155
00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:52,298
- Yeah, Ian.
- Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.
156
00:10:52,299 --> 00:10:55,275
Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,
you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
157
00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:59,851
- Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
- Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.
158
00:10:59,852 --> 00:11:02,283
That's what you say about everyone.
159
00:11:02,284 --> 00:11:04,265
She made you wear
the fucking costume again, right?
160
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,667
- You know, I don't mind...
- Dude, if you told her to fuck off,
161
00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:09,930
she'd be two knuckles deep right now
daydreaming about your big black cock.
162
00:11:09,931 --> 00:11:11,145
FELICIA: Ian, do not listen to him.
163
00:11:11,146 --> 00:11:13,802
Okay, girls want a nice guy
who's gonna treat them well.
164
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,433
- Really?
- Yes. Really.
165
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,643
Look, all I'm saying is
everybody wants a challenge.
166
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:20,010
- Everybody wants...
- What they can't get. I know, I got it.
167
00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:23,850
- That shit does not work.
- It works on you.
168
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,221
No, it doesn't.
169
00:11:29,962 --> 00:11:31,624
Felicia!
170
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:35,303
Balls! I got to go.
Evil cousin's spending the weekend.
171
00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:38,121
- Pretty cousin?
- Ian, she's the anti-Christ.
172
00:11:38,122 --> 00:11:41,800
- She's still super hot.
- Fuck you, too. See you.
173
00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:43,240
So what happened with Becca?
174
00:11:43,241 --> 00:11:44,839
You been doing like I told you,
being a dick?
175
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,797
Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
I'd say... No, not really.
176
00:11:50,025 --> 00:11:51,975
I mean, you know,
I've sort of been practicing
177
00:11:51,976 --> 00:11:55,111
your whole being-a-dick thing
with this girl I met online.
178
00:11:55,112 --> 00:11:57,062
- And I get it, but I just...
- Thanks.
179
00:11:57,063 --> 00:11:58,888
I don't think I could do that for real.
180
00:11:58,889 --> 00:12:00,968
Dude, sure you can.
I believe in you, you know.
181
00:12:00,969 --> 00:12:04,647
You just got to stop worrying
about being the good guy all the time.
182
00:12:04,648 --> 00:12:06,727
I mean, okay,
look at Andy and Randy over there.
183
00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,615
You think they care
what women think about them?
184
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:11,014
They could give a fuck.
185
00:12:11,015 --> 00:12:13,702
- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
186
00:12:13,703 --> 00:12:16,997
Hi. I'm collecting for
the underprivileged children of Ecuador.
187
00:12:16,998 --> 00:12:19,335
- Would you like to help?
- You wanna party?
188
00:12:19,336 --> 00:12:21,607
Um... I'm kind of working right now.
189
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,910
- When are you done?
- Yeah, what are you doing after?
190
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,478
I have a church thing tonight.
191
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,397
- Kick ass, we'll come.
- Yeah, where is it?
192
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,414
Is there gonna be
more hot snatch like you there?
193
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,358
Those guys are total nards.
They never get anywhere.
194
00:12:32,359 --> 00:12:34,277
That's just 'cause they don't know
how to close.
195
00:12:34,278 --> 00:12:36,164
But they're ability to open
is fucking heroic.
196
00:12:36,165 --> 00:12:38,692
- Do you wear thong underpants?
- Do you want us to take our shirts off?
197
00:12:38,693 --> 00:12:40,422
- Where do you live?
- Is your mom hot, too?
198
00:12:40,423 --> 00:12:42,118
- Where do you live?
- What's your address?
199
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:43,782
- Do you want us to come over?
- Do you like pizza?
200
00:12:43,783 --> 00:12:46,284
We've been to a motel.
201
00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:53,514
- Fuck off, donut.
- Rex, it's me.
202
00:12:54,021 --> 00:12:55,939
What the fuck is this all about?
203
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,747
I broke the key off of our locker.
I couldn't get my clothes out.
204
00:12:59,748 --> 00:13:04,171
Stow that shit in the trunk.
Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.
205
00:13:08,516 --> 00:13:10,439
REX: (LAUGHING) You suck.
206
00:13:13,156 --> 00:13:15,395
Becca? Hey.
207
00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:18,922
Wow, I didn't know
that you were coming over.
208
00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:24,100
Cool. I didn't even know
that you knew where I lived. I mean...
209
00:13:24,101 --> 00:13:26,723
- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.
210
00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:30,082
- So...
- Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...
211
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:33,794
I broke my key off
and Ron let me borrow the...
212
00:13:33,795 --> 00:13:37,441
Anyway, so this is great.
You changed your mind.
213
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,689
Now, the party, it doesn't start
214
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:43,048
- for a few hours.
- Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.
215
00:13:44,611 --> 00:13:47,042
- Dylan?
- Yeah. Is he here?
216
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,409
- My 14-year-old brother Dylan?
- Yeah.
217
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:54,241
- DYLAN: Nice underpants, Ian.
- Snap! Dang, that was funny.
218
00:13:54,242 --> 00:13:56,831
You know he's 14, right?
219
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:00,638
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
220
00:14:15,073 --> 00:14:19,230
Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
Get off your wallflower ass.
221
00:14:19,231 --> 00:14:22,142
- Are you smoking cigars now?
- Yes.
222
00:14:22,143 --> 00:14:25,343
- Hey, Lance. Tight party.
- Okay, rude.
223
00:14:25,344 --> 00:14:27,167
You can see
I'm having a conversation here.
224
00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:30,046
Now, I'll be with you
in a few minutes, okay?
225
00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:31,391
- Thank you.
- We're sorry.
226
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,342
- Don't apologize to her.
- I'm sorry.
227
00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:34,847
Don't apologize to me.
228
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,705
(SCOFFS)
229
00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:41,118
Hey, I'm gonna go see
who Felicia's talking to.
230
00:14:41,119 --> 00:14:43,326
No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?
231
00:14:43,327 --> 00:14:45,343
I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,
232
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,678
but tonight's about getting that dick
a little daylight.
233
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,695
Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,
where you going?
234
00:14:49,696 --> 00:14:52,126
Come here, we're not done. Get in here.
235
00:14:52,127 --> 00:14:55,869
- You know my boy Ian?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.
236
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:59,964
- You used to be on my paper route.
- Okay, sure. My mom likes you.
237
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:03,356
You know what else
about our boy Ian here?
238
00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:05,467
Ian is a bust-ass virgin.
239
00:15:05,468 --> 00:15:07,459
(SPLUTTERS)
240
00:15:07,935 --> 00:15:10,525
- I'm so sorry.
- He's fresh meat.
241
00:15:10,526 --> 00:15:12,125
(GIGGLING)
242
00:15:12,126 --> 00:15:15,292
Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.
I got into the University of Wisconsin,
243
00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:17,500
and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,
'cause that's where...
244
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,900
- Are you gonna go to college?
- University of Boulder.
245
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,596
It's a great party school.
246
00:15:21,597 --> 00:15:26,813
Oh, you know, I read that they have
a really great astronomy program.
247
00:15:26,814 --> 00:15:28,733
I don't know if that's
what you're going there for or...
248
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:34,846
Because it's really high elevation,
and you can see the stars really well...
249
00:15:36,924 --> 00:15:38,715
Planets.
250
00:15:38,716 --> 00:15:42,138
Wow! A little tip action there.
That's really suggestive.
251
00:15:42,139 --> 00:15:45,306
I'm not saying that
you're gonna do that on my, well...
252
00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:48,123
There, what, you're gonna... Two in there.
253
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,211
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
254
00:15:49,212 --> 00:15:50,267
- Wow, you're really...
- FELICIA: Ian! Dude!
255
00:15:50,268 --> 00:15:51,290
(POPPING)
256
00:15:51,291 --> 00:15:54,818
I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?
257
00:15:55,483 --> 00:15:58,778
- Hey!
- Hey! What up?
258
00:15:58,779 --> 00:16:02,457
- What are you doing in there, man?
- What're you doing out here, man?
259
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:05,241
- I asked you first.
- Uh... Nothing.
260
00:16:05,242 --> 00:16:08,922
No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,
so then I had to...
261
00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:13,721
- I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
- Yeah, right. I wish.
262
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:17,177
So, okay.
So, are your parents, like, still going
263
00:16:17,178 --> 00:16:19,257
to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
264
00:16:19,258 --> 00:16:20,889
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all take off in the morning.
265
00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:22,168
Okay. Awesome.
266
00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:27,031
'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,
so, I don't know,
267
00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:30,169
you think, like, maybe I could hang
at your place this weekend?
268
00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:32,792
Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
It'll be fun.
269
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:39,128
Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
Hey, I have a secret.
270
00:16:39,129 --> 00:16:40,184
(LAUGHS)
271
00:16:40,185 --> 00:16:45,141
- Look at you acting like such a girl.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.
272
00:16:46,232 --> 00:16:51,064
I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.
273
00:16:51,065 --> 00:16:53,624
Yeah? Well, who is it?
274
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:56,375
Come on, you know me better than anyone.
I bet you know who it is.
275
00:16:56,376 --> 00:16:58,549
Come on, guess.
276
00:16:59,703 --> 00:17:01,462
Um...
277
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,733
I think I know.
278
00:17:09,014 --> 00:17:10,999
(GASPING)
279
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:17,243
I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
You're so easy. You're so easy!
280
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:23,445
- You're my best friend.
- I know, and you're my best friend.
281
00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:27,922
That's why it's funny that we would kiss,
because we wouldn't.
282
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:33,366
So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?
283
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,958
Um... Nobody.
284
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:40,314
- Nobody?
- I... I was kidding, too.
285
00:17:40,566 --> 00:17:42,644
- That is funny.
- It's hilarious.
286
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,593
- That is so funny.
- That is so funny.
287
00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,411
Oh! I...
288
00:17:47,412 --> 00:17:48,435
- Oh, you got...
- Yeah.
289
00:17:48,436 --> 00:17:50,930
- All right. So...
- Hey!
290
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:52,922
Okay.
291
00:17:57,908 --> 00:17:59,700
Harsh.
292
00:18:09,491 --> 00:18:12,626
- Hey, babe, you wanna party?
- I'm at a party.
293
00:18:12,627 --> 00:18:14,739
RANDY: Do you wanna make out with us?
294
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:15,828
ANDY: Why don't you take a picture, Ian?
295
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:18,549
Yeah, and post it on
Totalfuckingawesomeness. com.
296
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:20,530
Backslash-we-rule!
297
00:18:20,531 --> 00:18:21,714
RANDY: Where'd you come up with that?
298
00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:27,282
- Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
- You just did.
299
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,425
- Can I ask you another question?
- You just did again.
300
00:18:29,426 --> 00:18:33,138
- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
301
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:36,946
- Dude, where you going?
- Dude, come on. Be a buddy.
302
00:18:36,947 --> 00:18:41,904
- I'm... All right, all right.
- You got to get over the monkey.
303
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:45,969
Where do you guys get the confidence to,
like, hit on every girl you see?
304
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:49,552
- 'Cause we're the shit.
- Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.
305
00:18:49,553 --> 00:18:53,494
- So where's Felicia?
- Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
306
00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:57,655
- She's in...
- Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
307
00:18:57,778 --> 00:18:59,377
We're just friends.
308
00:18:59,378 --> 00:19:01,840
- I'm uncircumcised.
- GIRL: Fuck off!
309
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,632
Wait, I thought you took her to prom.
310
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:07,159
Yeah,
but it was a just-friends kind of thing.
311
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,846
You should bang her. We would.
312
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,446
ANDY: Dude, we would bang her so hard.
313
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:16,592
Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you
if you're not into it.
314
00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:17,999
Yeah. Hard.
315
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,207
- With our dicks!
- Yeah, our dicks are huge.
316
00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:21,231
RANDY: You could see them from space!
317
00:19:21,232 --> 00:19:22,287
(ANDY SPITS)
318
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:24,527
- What's up?
- What's up?
319
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,242
I'll call you from nationals.
320
00:19:34,766 --> 00:19:37,869
- BECCA: Say it.
- You're my little donut girl.
321
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,391
- Bye, sexy.
- Yo, Ian.
322
00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:50,163
- You want to smell my finger?
- Yeah, okay.
323
00:19:52,014 --> 00:19:53,804
(SNIFFS)
324
00:19:53,805 --> 00:19:56,044
Are you sure you got the right hole?
325
00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:57,902
(SNIFFS)
326
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,231
Awesome.
327
00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:16,946
Hmm... '69.
328
00:20:21,838 --> 00:20:23,436
(LAUGHS)
329
00:20:23,437 --> 00:20:25,164
Whoa.
330
00:20:32,907 --> 00:20:35,473
Don't puss out. Be cool.
331
00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:40,107
I don't know.
332
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:46,450
That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!
333
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:51,410
Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.
334
00:20:55,658 --> 00:20:57,744
(SLURPING)
335
00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:02,282
(CLANGING)
336
00:21:02,283 --> 00:21:04,138
Holy buckets.
337
00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:05,801
(SLURPS)
338
00:21:05,802 --> 00:21:08,105
She wants me to give her the D.
339
00:21:08,106 --> 00:21:09,129
(NASTY GIRL PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
340
00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:10,185
(SINGING) Well, honey
341
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,208
What ya got, Mr. Mans?
342
00:21:11,209 --> 00:21:12,649
I got a lot of money
343
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,568
I don't see no keys in my hands
344
00:21:14,569 --> 00:21:17,418
I just wanna nasty girl
345
00:21:17,419 --> 00:21:18,664
(GRUNTS)
346
00:21:18,665 --> 00:21:20,998
Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?
347
00:21:20,999 --> 00:21:22,216
Do you like what you see?
348
00:21:22,217 --> 00:21:28,583
Could you be my nasty girl
and let me do that dirty dance with you?
349
00:21:28,584 --> 00:21:31,271
I can love you long time
350
00:21:36,936 --> 00:21:39,786
(ALL SHAPES AND SIZES PLAYING)
351
00:21:43,817 --> 00:21:47,591
(SINGING) I like 'em all in shapes and sizes
352
00:21:47,592 --> 00:21:50,791
And it don't make no difference to me
353
00:21:50,984 --> 00:21:55,334
If you're short, tall, big or small
Long if there ain't no big surprises
354
00:21:55,335 --> 00:21:58,154
Chances are you'll suit me to a T
355
00:22:01,222 --> 00:22:04,269
Dad, what did you do with my helmet?
356
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:29,666
Ian, honey,
I made you some tollhouse cookies.
357
00:22:29,830 --> 00:22:32,843
I'll just leave these here for you.
358
00:22:33,350 --> 00:22:35,338
I'll get them later.
359
00:22:35,493 --> 00:22:38,506
There's $40 in the cow for fun money,
360
00:22:38,788 --> 00:22:42,729
so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.
361
00:22:43,459 --> 00:22:47,236
Anytime. It's your home now.
362
00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:48,259
(THUDS)
363
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:50,401
KAREN: Oh, dear.
364
00:22:53,315 --> 00:22:54,946
- Dude.
- Hey.
365
00:22:54,947 --> 00:22:58,213
What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers?
366
00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:01,609
- How did you know that?
- It's on Russ Miller's blog.
367
00:23:04,867 --> 00:23:07,014
Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.
368
00:23:07,015 --> 00:23:09,795
What's the deal? Dude.
369
00:23:09,796 --> 00:23:12,707
IAN: She wants me to meet her tonight
at the Big Boy in Knoxville.
370
00:23:12,708 --> 00:23:14,978
Seriously, dude, pack your shit.
We're going to Knoxville.
371
00:23:14,979 --> 00:23:17,057
No. Stop it. Put these back.
372
00:23:17,058 --> 00:23:18,818
This is the type of girl who has...
373
00:23:18,819 --> 00:23:21,729
She has it shaved into a landing strip.
374
00:23:21,730 --> 00:23:23,136
I can't deal with a landing strip.
375
00:23:23,137 --> 00:23:25,760
Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,
she could have anything under there.
376
00:23:25,761 --> 00:23:30,241
There could be a little Hitler
or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.
377
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:34,017
You know, she doesn't even want me.
She wants him.
378
00:23:34,018 --> 00:23:35,073
(LANCE LAUGHING)
379
00:23:35,074 --> 00:23:38,753
I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.
380
00:23:38,754 --> 00:23:41,024
I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.
381
00:23:41,025 --> 00:23:43,520
Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.
382
00:23:43,521 --> 00:23:46,367
Maybe. But what if she's not?
383
00:23:46,368 --> 00:23:50,398
You know, I mean, look, you've already
opened, and I could help you close.
384
00:23:50,434 --> 00:23:51,841
We just need one thing.
385
00:23:51,842 --> 00:23:53,469
(ENGINE REVVING)
386
00:23:57,057 --> 00:24:01,566
Ian, just look at this.
I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,
387
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:04,158
she's gonna drop an egg right there
in the Big Boy parking lot.
388
00:24:04,159 --> 00:24:06,726
Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.
389
00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:10,623
Here. Strap that end down. Tight.
390
00:24:10,624 --> 00:24:14,369
- The cord's too short.
- Put a little sack into it, powder puff.
391
00:24:17,439 --> 00:24:20,161
- All right. Thanks, little brother.
- Yeah.
392
00:24:20,162 --> 00:24:22,083
- Hey, Ian.
- Yeah.
393
00:24:22,143 --> 00:24:24,288
Did I hear something
about you wanting to borrow my car?
394
00:24:24,289 --> 00:24:27,322
No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.
395
00:24:27,806 --> 00:24:29,698
You sure?
396
00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:33,949
You're my little brother, Ian.
All you gotta do is ask.
397
00:24:35,615 --> 00:24:37,342
Okay.
398
00:24:37,758 --> 00:24:40,797
Could I use The Judge this weekend?
399
00:24:40,798 --> 00:24:41,884
Ow!
400
00:24:41,885 --> 00:24:43,841
(LAUGHING)
401
00:24:44,893 --> 00:24:49,402
Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive
The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.
402
00:24:52,830 --> 00:24:55,036
- REX: Let's go, Dad.
- What a dick.
403
00:24:55,037 --> 00:24:57,180
You should take his car just on principle.
404
00:24:57,181 --> 00:24:59,100
What do you want me to do, you know?
405
00:24:59,101 --> 00:25:01,692
I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,
since I don't even know what that means.
406
00:25:01,693 --> 00:25:03,779
What are you doing?
407
00:25:04,477 --> 00:25:06,366
(LAUGHS)
408
00:25:06,781 --> 00:25:09,755
No. Lance, no! Put it back.
Did you just hear him? Please.
409
00:25:09,756 --> 00:25:12,156
Come here, we're gonna have a talk.
410
00:25:12,157 --> 00:25:13,820
She's only nine short hours away.
411
00:25:13,821 --> 00:25:16,187
We're gonna head down there tonight
and you're gonna pound on that va-J.
412
00:25:16,188 --> 00:25:18,875
Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
Ian's gonna pound on it.
413
00:25:18,876 --> 00:25:21,498
We're back tomorrow
before Rex even knows the car is gone.
414
00:25:21,499 --> 00:25:24,059
Now, listen, these girls at Madison are
gonna be fucking at a college level.
415
00:25:24,060 --> 00:25:25,179
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
416
00:25:25,180 --> 00:25:26,842
I need you ready for that.
417
00:25:26,843 --> 00:25:29,432
Wait! Put it... Put it back.
418
00:25:29,498 --> 00:25:31,225
Back here.
419
00:25:44,219 --> 00:25:48,281
For God's sake. You two rump rangers
couldn't wait five minutes?
420
00:25:49,978 --> 00:25:51,868
(GRUNTS)
421
00:25:54,171 --> 00:25:56,094
(HONKING)
422
00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:00,409
Shit.
423
00:26:15,609 --> 00:26:17,176
- Shit!
- Fuck!
424
00:26:17,177 --> 00:26:20,277
I told her she could stay here this weekend.
425
00:26:20,889 --> 00:26:23,543
What the hell?
Why are you driving Rex's car?
426
00:26:23,544 --> 00:26:25,631
I thought me and...
427
00:26:26,936 --> 00:26:29,559
- Are you bitching out on me?
- No.
428
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:30,775
- No.
- No.
429
00:26:30,776 --> 00:26:33,687
Good. Well, then where are we going?
430
00:26:33,688 --> 00:26:37,086
Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.
431
00:26:37,913 --> 00:26:39,351
Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.
432
00:26:39,352 --> 00:26:43,223
Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.
433
00:26:43,224 --> 00:26:44,726
Dude, what the fuck?
434
00:26:44,727 --> 00:26:46,550
- I don't want her along.
- Really?
435
00:26:46,551 --> 00:26:48,694
You don't want to bring Yoko
on your sex trip?
436
00:26:48,695 --> 00:26:50,997
Yeah, no shit.
She's always cock-blocking you.
437
00:26:50,998 --> 00:26:53,525
No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
438
00:26:53,526 --> 00:26:55,703
Okay, twat blocking.
439
00:26:55,704 --> 00:26:56,822
Professor.
440
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:57,846
FELICIA'S MOM: When will you
be coming back?
441
00:26:57,847 --> 00:26:59,222
No, tomorrow.
442
00:26:59,223 --> 00:27:02,230
- FELICIA'S MOM: When?
- No. Bye! God.
443
00:27:02,231 --> 00:27:05,013
FELICIA'S MOM: You guys
drive safe now. Bye!
444
00:27:05,014 --> 00:27:07,286
So, what's in Tennessee?
445
00:27:07,287 --> 00:27:10,617
My grandma has got some cancer.
446
00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:12,756
- Grammy K?
- IAN: She's fine.
447
00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:16,371
She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.
448
00:27:16,919 --> 00:27:18,741
It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?
449
00:27:18,742 --> 00:27:20,789
- It's foot cancer.
- She's got a little foot cancer.
450
00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:23,574
She'll be hopping around in no time.
451
00:27:23,702 --> 00:27:26,260
So what's she doing in Tennessee?
452
00:27:26,261 --> 00:27:30,294
Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass
cancer center there.
453
00:27:30,295 --> 00:27:34,130
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like... It's famous.
454
00:27:34,131 --> 00:27:36,722
- Yeah.
- So if you ever get any cancer,
455
00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:41,043
you should totally check it out.
456
00:27:41,044 --> 00:27:42,131
(TIME TO PRETEND PLAYING)
457
00:27:42,132 --> 00:27:43,891
I would.
458
00:27:46,099 --> 00:27:50,903
LANCE: So you want I-80 East and then
65 goes all the way through Indiana.
459
00:27:51,251 --> 00:27:53,618
- So how's it feel?
- IAN: What?
460
00:27:53,619 --> 00:27:58,040
I don't know, breaking the rules,
talking some shit, driving The Judge?
461
00:27:58,548 --> 00:27:59,763
It feels pretty good.
462
00:27:59,764 --> 00:28:01,747
(SINGING) I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw
463
00:28:01,748 --> 00:28:04,467
I'm in the prime of my life
464
00:28:08,595 --> 00:28:13,780
Let's make some music, make some money
Find some models for wives
465
00:28:17,489 --> 00:28:22,261
This is our decision
To live fast and die young
466
00:28:22,322 --> 00:28:27,670
We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun
467
00:28:29,361 --> 00:28:32,277
I said, yeah, yeah, yeah
468
00:28:32,497 --> 00:28:34,737
(ENGINE REVVING)
469
00:28:35,665 --> 00:28:37,904
This dude wants to race.
470
00:28:38,864 --> 00:28:40,209
Let's go, ladies.
471
00:28:40,210 --> 00:28:42,865
Lance! Cut it out!
Come on, you don't know who's in there.
472
00:28:42,866 --> 00:28:46,896
Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's
zombie corpse is in that car.
473
00:28:46,897 --> 00:28:49,840
I refuse to be embarrassed by a car
that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
474
00:28:49,841 --> 00:28:52,560
I am not racing in my brother's car.
475
00:28:52,848 --> 00:28:55,501
IAN: Holy shit.
476
00:28:55,823 --> 00:28:57,742
What the hell is that?
477
00:28:57,743 --> 00:28:59,502
Whoa!
478
00:28:59,567 --> 00:29:01,616
Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.
479
00:29:01,617 --> 00:29:03,311
And a chalupa!
480
00:29:03,312 --> 00:29:04,687
Medium Coke!
481
00:29:04,688 --> 00:29:05,934
(SCREAMING)
482
00:29:05,935 --> 00:29:07,086
Go right!
483
00:29:07,087 --> 00:29:09,294
FELICIA: Turn the wipers on!
IAN: They are on.
484
00:29:09,295 --> 00:29:10,925
FELICIA: They're not working!
485
00:29:10,926 --> 00:29:14,323
IAN: Please, don't yell at me.
I'm doing the best I can.
486
00:29:14,575 --> 00:29:16,014
- Winnebago!
- IAN: Where?
487
00:29:16,015 --> 00:29:17,133
Winnebago! Winnebago!
488
00:29:17,134 --> 00:29:19,340
(SCREECHING)
489
00:29:20,654 --> 00:29:22,862
(GASPING)
490
00:29:25,008 --> 00:29:26,318
Oh, my God, are you all right?
491
00:29:26,319 --> 00:29:28,275
(LAUGHING)
492
00:29:31,758 --> 00:29:35,372
Yeah, nobody offer to help.
I got this under control.
493
00:29:36,205 --> 00:29:38,194
(SNIFFLES)
494
00:29:42,092 --> 00:29:46,766
- Are you all right?
- Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!
495
00:29:48,302 --> 00:29:53,651
You know what might make you feel better?
Putting 40 on pump two.
496
00:30:07,437 --> 00:30:09,065
Hey.
497
00:30:12,300 --> 00:30:16,809
- Another one for the collection.
- Aw! Cool. Thanks.
498
00:30:18,763 --> 00:30:20,490
What?
499
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:25,098
(SOBBING)
500
00:30:25,099 --> 00:30:28,234
It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.
501
00:30:28,235 --> 00:30:29,930
Lance, what are you doing?
502
00:30:29,931 --> 00:30:31,850
Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,
503
00:30:31,851 --> 00:30:36,202
because I'm just trying to show
another human being a little compassion.
504
00:30:36,203 --> 00:30:38,224
And my dick.
505
00:30:40,266 --> 00:30:42,222
(LANCE LAUGHING)
506
00:30:44,617 --> 00:30:46,442
What have you got?
507
00:30:46,443 --> 00:30:49,456
Hey, kid, where you from?
508
00:30:50,154 --> 00:30:55,404
- I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
- Are you two married. No?
509
00:30:56,106 --> 00:31:02,247
- No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
- Oh! You make a good couple.
510
00:31:02,248 --> 00:31:05,543
She's pretty. Marry that girl.
511
00:31:05,544 --> 00:31:08,942
You kids want to help yourself
to a can of Purple?
512
00:31:09,001 --> 00:31:13,476
- Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?
- Yeah, I can go...
513
00:31:15,592 --> 00:31:19,079
- You ever had a peppermint fatty?
- No. Let's have that.
514
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,582
See how that shoe fits.
515
00:31:22,599 --> 00:31:24,262
(LAUGHS)
516
00:31:24,263 --> 00:31:26,852
That is curiously strong.
517
00:31:27,433 --> 00:31:30,023
I feel like my dick just got bar mitzvahed.
518
00:31:30,024 --> 00:31:32,455
It actually says Purple Soda.
519
00:31:32,456 --> 00:31:34,924
(LANCE EXCLAIMING)
520
00:31:36,999 --> 00:31:39,565
BRANDY: Bad boy.
521
00:31:43,398 --> 00:31:45,703
You like him, don't you?
522
00:31:48,327 --> 00:31:52,645
- What? Who?
- Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?
523
00:31:52,646 --> 00:31:57,317
Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.
524
00:31:57,318 --> 00:32:01,707
I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.
525
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,391
(TIRES SCREECHING)
526
00:32:04,645 --> 00:32:07,555
RICK: Brandy!
FELICIA: Uh-oh!
527
00:32:07,556 --> 00:32:11,139
Brandy! Shit.
528
00:32:13,317 --> 00:32:15,236
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
529
00:32:15,237 --> 00:32:20,291
Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
Where the fuck's Brandy at?
530
00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:22,564
(BRANDY GIGGLING)
531
00:32:28,611 --> 00:32:34,660
- You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
- No. Let's try it.
532
00:32:36,867 --> 00:32:40,963
Wait, brown? No, no, nothing brown!
Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
533
00:32:40,964 --> 00:32:43,522
What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?
534
00:32:43,523 --> 00:32:47,586
No, but I'm gonna
pummel his ass real good.
535
00:32:47,587 --> 00:32:50,535
There you go. There you go.
536
00:32:51,012 --> 00:32:54,506
Brandy! Come on, baby!
Open the God damn door!
537
00:33:00,258 --> 00:33:04,225
All right, this is not what it looks like.
It was a project for school.
538
00:33:04,226 --> 00:33:05,408
Purple Soda!
539
00:33:05,409 --> 00:33:07,037
(SODA CAN HISSING)
540
00:33:11,233 --> 00:33:13,124
(RICK GRUNTING)
541
00:33:14,178 --> 00:33:16,003
Wiener!
542
00:33:18,978 --> 00:33:20,671
Ow!
543
00:33:30,688 --> 00:33:32,798
There you are.
544
00:33:34,274 --> 00:33:37,767
Come on, come on.
I do not want to die naked.
545
00:33:39,872 --> 00:33:41,697
(LAUGHING)
546
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:47,970
Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
547
00:33:54,912 --> 00:33:59,039
Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
548
00:34:00,639 --> 00:34:02,725
Hey, hold on!
549
00:34:03,647 --> 00:34:04,894
Come on, man, she's not worth it.
550
00:34:04,895 --> 00:34:07,549
She's just gonna shit all over you.
Trust me.
551
00:34:07,550 --> 00:34:10,596
Eat bat, dickhead!
552
00:34:11,454 --> 00:34:13,245
Holy shit!
553
00:34:13,246 --> 00:34:14,847
(LAUGHS)
554
00:34:14,848 --> 00:34:16,031
Ian just killed that guy.
555
00:34:16,032 --> 00:34:18,142
Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?
556
00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:21,405
Look, I have my insurance card.
I'm sorry. We're from out of town.
557
00:34:21,406 --> 00:34:24,828
I couldn't see you through the corn.
I'm sorry.
558
00:34:24,829 --> 00:34:27,265
(LANCE LAUGHING)
559
00:34:28,189 --> 00:34:30,396
IAN: Where the hell's the road?
FELICIA: It feels like left.
560
00:34:30,397 --> 00:34:31,580
IAN: I told you we didn't have time for this,
561
00:34:31,581 --> 00:34:33,819
- but all you care about is your stupid dick.
- Ian.
562
00:34:33,820 --> 00:34:35,519
And you leave us out there
with her mom's weird soda.
563
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,853
- Ian.
- And her dad's balls in plain view...
564
00:34:37,854 --> 00:34:39,039
Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!
565
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:41,092
RICK: Motherfucker!
566
00:34:44,508 --> 00:34:46,683
(ALL SCREAMING)
567
00:34:49,532 --> 00:34:50,619
(WHOOPING)
568
00:34:50,620 --> 00:34:53,851
Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
569
00:34:53,852 --> 00:34:57,756
Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.
Lance, you suck!
570
00:34:57,757 --> 00:35:00,028
FELICIA: Where the hell are we?
IAN: Where are the Google maps?
571
00:35:00,029 --> 00:35:03,035
- They're in my pants.
- Which are?
572
00:35:03,036 --> 00:35:05,438
In the trailer.
573
00:35:06,363 --> 00:35:09,114
Mmm-hmm. Great.
574
00:35:09,115 --> 00:35:13,885
Shit. I got gum in my bush.
575
00:35:16,892 --> 00:35:19,227
Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can
show us back to the highway.
576
00:35:19,228 --> 00:35:21,817
- Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker.
- Don't worry, I won't.
577
00:35:21,818 --> 00:35:24,024
(ENGINE CHOKING)
578
00:35:24,218 --> 00:35:26,621
No, no, no.
579
00:35:27,162 --> 00:35:29,665
Oh, my God.
580
00:35:31,130 --> 00:35:35,385
Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
I've been out there for hours.
581
00:35:35,386 --> 00:35:37,080
Not one car. Can you believe it?
582
00:35:37,081 --> 00:35:39,674
- Listen, sir, we didn't...
- You're good people.
583
00:35:39,675 --> 00:35:43,321
- Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
- Yeah, I know.
584
00:35:43,322 --> 00:35:45,311
Right on.
585
00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:56,313
I got nothing. There's no bars.
You know, it probably just needs water.
586
00:35:56,314 --> 00:35:57,942
Got any in the trunk?
587
00:35:57,943 --> 00:36:00,504
Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.
We got this one.
588
00:36:00,505 --> 00:36:03,450
Yeah, thanks,
but this happened to my brother's car once
589
00:36:03,451 --> 00:36:06,327
- and you just piss in the radiator.
- Really?
590
00:36:06,328 --> 00:36:08,534
FELICIA: Yeah.
591
00:36:08,951 --> 00:36:11,095
Oh, God! Damn it!
592
00:36:11,096 --> 00:36:12,375
(GROANING)
593
00:36:12,376 --> 00:36:14,327
- Are you okay?
- Fuck. Yeah.
594
00:36:14,328 --> 00:36:16,632
LANCE: That's a lesson learned.
595
00:36:18,487 --> 00:36:20,344
You can watch,
if you're into that kind of thing.
596
00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:23,703
Oh, wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen
your dick enough for one day.
597
00:36:23,704 --> 00:36:28,406
- IAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
- Your loss. It's like razor blades.
598
00:36:28,407 --> 00:36:33,077
IAN: What? There's ants down here. FYI.
599
00:36:33,078 --> 00:36:38,329
All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.
600
00:36:38,357 --> 00:36:41,878
Okay. Go away.
601
00:36:41,879 --> 00:36:46,551
Dude, seriously? Still?
I thought you got over this shit.
602
00:36:47,349 --> 00:36:49,435
You're a grown man.
603
00:36:55,830 --> 00:36:59,252
(WHISPERING) Flowing river, gentle stream.
Flowing river, gentle stream.
604
00:36:59,253 --> 00:37:02,677
- Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
- Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.
605
00:37:02,678 --> 00:37:04,884
(LANCE LAUGHING)
606
00:37:04,885 --> 00:37:09,716
Excuse me.
We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.
607
00:37:09,717 --> 00:37:13,396
- Why?
- We just do.
608
00:37:15,124 --> 00:37:18,673
Our new friend's got nothing left
in the tank.
609
00:37:22,293 --> 00:37:23,475
What?
610
00:37:23,476 --> 00:37:26,392
(CHRISTIAN ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO)
611
00:37:28,916 --> 00:37:31,482
You kids need some help?
612
00:37:37,395 --> 00:37:39,056
Hi.
613
00:37:44,436 --> 00:37:45,554
Are you okay?
614
00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:48,978
Oh, yeah, I'm great.
I just beaved a family of four.
615
00:37:48,979 --> 00:37:50,036
(LANCE LAUGHING)
616
00:37:50,037 --> 00:37:51,827
Try it.
617
00:37:52,946 --> 00:37:55,218
(ENGINE STARTING)
618
00:37:56,082 --> 00:37:57,265
All set?
619
00:37:57,266 --> 00:38:00,662
Look, I'm sorry, sir,
but we can't give you a ride.
620
00:38:02,001 --> 00:38:04,082
I'm gonna say this once.
621
00:38:04,083 --> 00:38:08,433
You unlock this fucking car,
or God is my witness,
622
00:38:08,434 --> 00:38:10,576
I'll stake you all to the ground,
623
00:38:10,577 --> 00:38:14,388
cut you open and let the dogs get at you.
624
00:38:15,154 --> 00:38:16,782
Oh, yeah?
625
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,585
Bye-bye.
626
00:38:22,416 --> 00:38:24,557
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
627
00:38:31,536 --> 00:38:35,477
- Here's that pee you ordered.
- Roll them up.
628
00:38:36,016 --> 00:38:39,854
- There you go, Tex.
- FELICIA: You're soaked with pee.
629
00:38:39,855 --> 00:38:41,422
Quick car wash?
630
00:38:41,423 --> 00:38:43,821
- God!
- FELICIA: Gross.
631
00:38:43,822 --> 00:38:47,951
It smells like Halloween. Fuck.
632
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,382
IAN: How can nobody go down a road
for an hour and a half?
633
00:38:50,383 --> 00:38:52,206
Why did they even make this stupid road?
634
00:38:52,207 --> 00:38:54,221
FELICIA: It's so hot out here.
635
00:38:54,222 --> 00:38:56,397
Ow!
636
00:38:57,583 --> 00:38:58,765
(LAUGHING)
637
00:38:58,766 --> 00:39:03,373
Oh, my God, your head.
Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.
638
00:39:03,374 --> 00:39:06,028
Yes. It hurts.
639
00:39:07,535 --> 00:39:11,510
- What is that?
- Oh, my God.
640
00:39:14,254 --> 00:39:15,882
IAN: Wow.
641
00:39:27,340 --> 00:39:30,443
That is so beautiful.
642
00:39:38,349 --> 00:39:39,468
Need some help?
643
00:39:39,469 --> 00:39:40,780
(LAUGHS)
644
00:39:40,781 --> 00:39:45,675
- Yeah, but no offense...
- Oh, right, 'cause I'm Amish,
645
00:39:45,676 --> 00:39:48,812
so I wouldn't know anything
about your '69 GTO Judge.
646
00:39:48,813 --> 00:39:52,491
455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,
something like that.
647
00:39:52,492 --> 00:39:55,467
Weird, that thing must have fallen
straight from space.
648
00:39:55,468 --> 00:39:58,732
Well, good luck with the future ride,
spaceman.
649
00:40:00,651 --> 00:40:03,114
Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.
650
00:40:03,115 --> 00:40:04,265
IAN: Wow!
651
00:40:04,266 --> 00:40:05,321
FELICIA: Okay.
652
00:40:05,322 --> 00:40:09,610
What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.
653
00:40:09,611 --> 00:40:10,794
- What?
- Come on.
654
00:40:10,795 --> 00:40:13,324
You don't know how far we have to walk.
Those are your only pair of shoes.
655
00:40:13,325 --> 00:40:16,585
You know what? You're probably right.
God, you're so sensible.
656
00:40:16,586 --> 00:40:19,209
But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?
657
00:40:19,210 --> 00:40:21,134
I should.
658
00:40:23,050 --> 00:40:24,552
I can't believe you just did that.
659
00:40:24,553 --> 00:40:27,721
- All right. Now you.
- No way. Forget it.
660
00:40:27,722 --> 00:40:30,218
Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.
661
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,290
Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country
to go to...
662
00:40:33,291 --> 00:40:36,776
To visit your grandma? Whoa!
663
00:40:36,777 --> 00:40:39,816
So he met this chick on the Internet,
which is sketchy.
664
00:40:39,817 --> 00:40:41,640
The Internet?
665
00:40:41,641 --> 00:40:45,831
Yeah, it's like a series of computers
that are connected through...
666
00:40:45,832 --> 00:40:47,788
Computers?
667
00:40:49,192 --> 00:40:52,456
A computer's like a big calculator,
you know, with a screen.
668
00:40:52,457 --> 00:40:54,696
I'm just busting your balls, man.
I know what the Internet is.
669
00:40:54,697 --> 00:40:57,416
(BOTH LAUGHING)
670
00:40:57,448 --> 00:40:59,495
- Okay.
- You ever heard of Rumspringa?
671
00:40:59,496 --> 00:41:01,832
Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.
672
00:41:01,833 --> 00:41:05,959
No, it means "run wild. " It's an Amish
tradition where when we turn 16,
673
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,454
we can go live like you heathens
for a while.
674
00:41:08,455 --> 00:41:13,479
You go nuts, party for months or years
till your folks start hassling you,
675
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:15,911
and then it's back to the Stone Age.
676
00:41:15,912 --> 00:41:17,862
But if you're on Rumspringa,
what's with the buggy?
677
00:41:17,863 --> 00:41:20,647
Oh, no, I'm not. Not anymore.
678
00:41:20,903 --> 00:41:23,429
I probably shouldn't even be
talking to you, but...
679
00:41:23,430 --> 00:41:26,149
I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.
680
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:29,572
- Sometimes I just miss the world.
- What do you miss the most?
681
00:41:29,573 --> 00:41:32,548
You know, I miss sarcasm.
It's mostly lost on my people.
682
00:41:32,549 --> 00:41:33,606
Oh.
683
00:41:33,607 --> 00:41:40,199
And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
And butt fucking.
684
00:41:40,774 --> 00:41:44,805
- Got a lot of nice memories there.
- I hear that.
685
00:41:44,806 --> 00:41:46,500
IAN: You know, when you cut your foot on
a piece of glass,
686
00:41:46,501 --> 00:41:48,900
- don't think I'm gonna carry you.
- You know what? I will be fine. Okay?
687
00:41:48,901 --> 00:41:53,670
- I was born barefoot.
- Hey! Wait!
688
00:41:53,671 --> 00:41:57,284
Hey! Stop!
689
00:42:00,165 --> 00:42:02,754
Have a nice walk, shit-birds.
690
00:42:04,996 --> 00:42:07,235
BOTH: Oh!
691
00:42:09,859 --> 00:42:12,450
Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
692
00:42:12,451 --> 00:42:14,758
What up, English?
693
00:42:22,659 --> 00:42:24,738
There's no service out here.
694
00:42:24,739 --> 00:42:27,715
- I can't even tell her I'll be late.
- Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
695
00:42:27,716 --> 00:42:28,802
You don't want to come off as desperate.
696
00:42:28,803 --> 00:42:29,858
(SCOFFS)
697
00:42:29,859 --> 00:42:32,770
I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?
698
00:42:32,771 --> 00:42:37,282
- We had shit to do.
- Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
699
00:42:37,283 --> 00:42:40,003
You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.
700
00:42:40,004 --> 00:42:42,498
- Shit.
- Don't cry. We can fix it.
701
00:42:42,499 --> 00:42:44,609
- Really?
- Yeah, really. We're good at it.
702
00:42:44,610 --> 00:42:46,145
- Yeah?
- Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,
703
00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:47,297
but it's an impressive thing.
704
00:42:47,298 --> 00:42:49,121
- Yeah. We'll fix it.
- Wow, that'd be cool.
705
00:42:49,122 --> 00:42:53,248
Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
706
00:42:53,249 --> 00:42:55,105
- Wow.
- Wow.
707
00:42:55,393 --> 00:42:56,993
- Thank you.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
708
00:42:56,994 --> 00:42:59,553
That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.
709
00:42:59,554 --> 00:43:01,600
You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door
710
00:43:01,601 --> 00:43:04,576
if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.
711
00:43:04,577 --> 00:43:07,646
Take it easy while we do all this for you.
712
00:43:09,825 --> 00:43:13,852
- Does he have an attitude?
- No, he's fucking with you.
713
00:43:14,016 --> 00:43:15,644
Okay.
714
00:43:16,448 --> 00:43:20,192
Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.
715
00:43:20,193 --> 00:43:21,632
You're gonna party with the Amish.
716
00:43:21,633 --> 00:43:25,247
Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.
717
00:43:27,424 --> 00:43:28,926
What's up, man?
718
00:43:28,927 --> 00:43:33,917
- Hey.
- No f-ing way!
719
00:43:33,918 --> 00:43:35,580
(FAME < INFAMY PLAYING)
720
00:43:36,383 --> 00:43:40,380
(SINGING) When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself
721
00:43:41,151 --> 00:43:44,318
- This is insane!
- I know.
722
00:43:44,351 --> 00:43:45,982
(WHOOPING)
723
00:43:45,983 --> 00:43:52,509
Signing off, " I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen"...
724
00:43:52,510 --> 00:43:57,978
I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen...
725
00:43:58,013 --> 00:44:03,421
I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen...
726
00:44:03,422 --> 00:44:09,316
The kid was all right,
but it went to his head...
727
00:44:16,220 --> 00:44:21,468
Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
You guys fucking rule, man.
728
00:44:21,469 --> 00:44:24,221
(GRAND THEFT AUTUMN /
WHERE IS YOUR BO Y PLAYING)
729
00:44:36,571 --> 00:44:40,442
Dude. Don't even bother.
Your game is not gonna work on that girl.
730
00:44:40,443 --> 00:44:45,085
What do you know about girls?
I've never even seen you with a girl.
731
00:44:45,116 --> 00:44:47,934
I'm gonna go check on the car.
732
00:44:52,986 --> 00:44:55,257
Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.
733
00:44:55,258 --> 00:45:00,192
- Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.
- Come on. Don't be hating.
734
00:45:01,369 --> 00:45:03,260
(SCOFFS)
735
00:45:03,995 --> 00:45:06,104
Fine.
736
00:45:17,370 --> 00:45:20,696
EZEKIEL: I've never shot a flaming
arrow that far, but I was game to try.
737
00:45:20,697 --> 00:45:22,072
And the thing is,
the second you let it release...
738
00:45:22,073 --> 00:45:27,609
Whoa! Hey, what is this?
Why are the seats out?
739
00:45:27,611 --> 00:45:29,913
Ian, do you know anything
about fixing these old Pontiacs?
740
00:45:29,914 --> 00:45:33,911
I don't care, okay?
Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just
741
00:45:33,912 --> 00:45:36,919
- put them back in there. I don't want...
- Ian, you've gotta calm down.
742
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:38,263
Do you know any breathing exercises?
743
00:45:38,264 --> 00:45:40,407
Because you are right on the verge
of a freak-out.
744
00:45:40,408 --> 00:45:45,079
You don't know my brother, okay? He's
gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.
745
00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:48,631
What? He's gonna what? With what?
746
00:45:48,632 --> 00:45:53,270
Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early,
and he's gonna walk into the bank,
747
00:45:53,271 --> 00:45:55,415
stand in line, change a 10,
748
00:45:55,416 --> 00:45:59,772
find my ass and just fuck it
with a roll of fucking quarters.
749
00:46:00,535 --> 00:46:03,069
(LAUGHING)
750
00:46:09,943 --> 00:46:11,931
(CLANGING)
751
00:46:37,206 --> 00:46:41,428
Check it out. It's totally working.
752
00:46:41,429 --> 00:46:43,635
You're the best wing-man ever.
753
00:46:43,636 --> 00:46:46,739
She's in, she's in. Watch this.
754
00:46:55,797 --> 00:46:59,825
GIRL: Rumspringa! Whoo!
755
00:47:00,723 --> 00:47:03,858
- I took a wicked digger.
- Yes, you did.
756
00:47:04,115 --> 00:47:07,123
- First day of Rumspringa?
- Rumspringa!
757
00:47:07,124 --> 00:47:09,747
(ALL CHEERING)
758
00:47:09,748 --> 00:47:11,314
- Uh-oh!
- Oh!
759
00:47:11,315 --> 00:47:13,303
(RETCHING)
760
00:47:13,843 --> 00:47:15,569
Hey.
761
00:47:17,011 --> 00:47:22,450
- All right. Okay. You good? All right.
- Aw! You guys are so nice.
762
00:47:22,451 --> 00:47:24,434
Don't let her step in it.
763
00:47:24,435 --> 00:47:26,423
(LAUGHS)
764
00:47:27,410 --> 00:47:30,611
What? What's wrong with you?
765
00:47:30,612 --> 00:47:34,578
- Yeah, what's your problem, bitch?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
766
00:47:34,579 --> 00:47:37,553
Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.
767
00:47:37,554 --> 00:47:38,993
- It's Lance, right?
- No.
768
00:47:38,994 --> 00:47:41,328
I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl
and you're out here.
769
00:47:41,329 --> 00:47:42,385
Wrong.
770
00:47:42,386 --> 00:47:45,200
Come on, Leesh, just drop
the hard-ass thing for two minutes.
771
00:47:45,201 --> 00:47:49,362
You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.
772
00:47:50,034 --> 00:47:51,088
(SCOFFS)
773
00:47:51,089 --> 00:47:54,997
- God, I'm such an idiot.
- Look, there's something about Lance.
774
00:47:55,409 --> 00:48:00,148
Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.
775
00:48:01,137 --> 00:48:04,015
Just promise me
you won't ever be like Lance.
776
00:48:04,016 --> 00:48:05,583
(SCOFFS)
777
00:48:05,584 --> 00:48:10,704
What is wrong with us?
Let's go have some fun. Come on.
778
00:48:10,705 --> 00:48:13,136
- No. No.
- No?
779
00:48:13,137 --> 00:48:17,935
Come on, we're young, and we're Amish,
and it's Rumspringa.
780
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:19,343
DRUNK AMISH GIRL: Rumspringa!
781
00:48:19,344 --> 00:48:21,484
(ALL CHEERING)
782
00:48:22,607 --> 00:48:24,912
(GASPING)
783
00:48:45,550 --> 00:48:48,912
Ian, you little cock-sucker!
784
00:48:49,774 --> 00:48:51,600
(ROOSTER CROWING)
785
00:49:03,885 --> 00:49:06,254
(GROANING)
786
00:49:07,276 --> 00:49:08,363
Ah!
787
00:49:08,364 --> 00:49:10,987
Leesh, you're so stubborn.
Look at your feet.
788
00:49:10,988 --> 00:49:13,873
They are fine. All right?
789
00:49:14,637 --> 00:49:17,488
Hey. What's the plan?
790
00:49:18,092 --> 00:49:21,553
I might as well find a phone and call Rex
791
00:49:21,612 --> 00:49:25,707
- so he can get on with killing me.
- What about visiting your grandma?
792
00:49:25,708 --> 00:49:29,098
Yeah, dude. You been putting off
visiting your grandma for too long.
793
00:49:29,099 --> 00:49:32,298
- It's about time you visited Grandma.
- Yeah.
794
00:49:32,299 --> 00:49:37,387
Lance, you know,
I really do want to visit my grandma, but...
795
00:49:37,388 --> 00:49:42,410
Dude, I really can't stress enough how
much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.
796
00:49:42,411 --> 00:49:45,994
You know, I visit my grandma sometimes
two or three times a week,
797
00:49:45,995 --> 00:49:49,129
and it is always a pleasure.
She's just a delight.
798
00:49:49,130 --> 00:49:50,185
What am I supposed to do?
799
00:49:50,186 --> 00:49:52,456
Our transportation is all over the floor
of that barn.
800
00:49:52,457 --> 00:49:54,415
Hey, Mary!
801
00:49:56,011 --> 00:49:57,639
Hi.
802
00:50:00,586 --> 00:50:04,201
Wow, you look beautiful.
803
00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:05,449
Oh, please.
804
00:50:05,450 --> 00:50:10,536
I mean, seriously, you wearing that,
churning some butter. Sexy.
805
00:50:10,537 --> 00:50:13,224
So I had the best time with you last night.
806
00:50:13,225 --> 00:50:14,663
Yeah, me, too.
807
00:50:14,664 --> 00:50:18,095
So you got my number.
You're gonna call me, right?
808
00:50:18,538 --> 00:50:19,753
No.
809
00:50:19,754 --> 00:50:20,809
(LAUGHS)
810
00:50:20,810 --> 00:50:24,107
"No. " You're funny.
811
00:50:24,137 --> 00:50:30,282
I mean, Lance, I really like you,
but Rumspringa's over for me.
812
00:50:30,408 --> 00:50:32,201
- So...
- Rumspringa!
813
00:50:32,202 --> 00:50:34,156
(WHOOPING)
814
00:50:35,463 --> 00:50:37,868
(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)
815
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:40,429
Sorry.
816
00:50:52,871 --> 00:50:55,143
(ENGINE STARTING)
817
00:51:04,615 --> 00:51:05,830
You fixed it?
818
00:51:05,831 --> 00:51:09,253
Yeah, we hit a few snags,
but she's banging like a champ now.
819
00:51:09,254 --> 00:51:12,068
Man, I don't even...
I don't even know what to say here.
820
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:14,436
You know, I don't really have much...
821
00:51:14,437 --> 00:51:16,228
Oh, no, we're good. We're good.
822
00:51:16,229 --> 00:51:19,812
I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor,
that's a gift.
823
00:51:20,134 --> 00:51:23,332
Man, you're too... Here, thanks.
Thank you so much.
824
00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:24,996
- You're welcome.
- Thank you, it's really cool.
825
00:51:24,997 --> 00:51:26,948
It is. You know, I mean,
826
00:51:26,949 --> 00:51:30,212
if you felt the need to reciprocate
in some way,
827
00:51:30,213 --> 00:51:32,580
I mean, there's a lot of chores
that need to be done around here.
828
00:51:32,581 --> 00:51:36,579
Yeah, no, the only thing about that is
we're kind of behind schedule right now.
829
00:51:36,580 --> 00:51:38,597
Yeah, but, I mean,
we could totally come back.
830
00:51:38,598 --> 00:51:40,868
- We could hit you on our way back through.
- Okay.
831
00:51:40,869 --> 00:51:43,460
Yeah, you should.
You should really get on the road.
832
00:51:43,461 --> 00:51:48,163
I mean, you got a smooth-running
vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.
833
00:51:48,164 --> 00:51:53,480
- Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good?
- We're good. Yeah, technically.
834
00:51:53,571 --> 00:51:54,914
We'll come back. I promise.
835
00:51:54,915 --> 00:51:58,145
- I'm looking forward to that.
- Hey, no, seriously, we will.
836
00:51:58,146 --> 00:52:00,547
Okay. We'll all hold our breath
till you get back.
837
00:52:00,548 --> 00:52:04,194
On three, guys. Three, two...
838
00:52:06,371 --> 00:52:09,025
(MESSAGE FROM YUZ PLAYING)
839
00:52:12,803 --> 00:52:16,481
My stomach's killing me.
Tell me if you see a rest stop.
840
00:52:34,881 --> 00:52:37,824
Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.
841
00:52:37,825 --> 00:52:39,842
'Cause you're a big, giant pussy.
That's right.
842
00:52:39,843 --> 00:52:42,399
That's why. It's here, isn't it?
843
00:52:54,528 --> 00:52:56,517
(MUTTERING)
844
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:59,360
Want some of this?
845
00:53:04,417 --> 00:53:05,472
Shit!
846
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:09,055
Hey, Knievel, what say you get
your bike out of the fricking road?
847
00:53:09,056 --> 00:53:13,051
(SINGING) Hey! Hey!
848
00:53:26,367 --> 00:53:28,769
All ocupado, eh, sport?
849
00:53:33,663 --> 00:53:35,390
Gents.
850
00:53:35,391 --> 00:53:40,096
Well, looks like we're up.
Go on, get in there.
851
00:53:44,671 --> 00:53:46,846
(GASPING)
852
00:53:46,847 --> 00:53:47,901
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
853
00:53:47,902 --> 00:53:49,469
Oh!
854
00:53:49,470 --> 00:53:51,905
Am I getting a signal?
855
00:53:52,733 --> 00:53:56,511
Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.
856
00:53:56,861 --> 00:54:00,442
I had to party with some new homies.
857
00:54:02,396 --> 00:54:07,102
Tonight, 8:00 p. m. at Big Boy.
858
00:54:08,061 --> 00:54:10,431
I'm worth the wait.
859
00:54:14,459 --> 00:54:16,088
Yes!
860
00:54:23,195 --> 00:54:27,738
No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!
861
00:54:30,332 --> 00:54:34,393
Little buddy? Hello? Hello.
862
00:54:36,378 --> 00:54:39,962
- LANCE: Was that you screaming in there?
- I don't want to talk about it. Ever.
863
00:54:39,963 --> 00:54:43,544
- Where's Felicia?
- She went to get corn dogs.
864
00:55:07,033 --> 00:55:09,497
Can you believe
the girls around here, man?
865
00:55:09,498 --> 00:55:14,006
But, man, where am I ever gonna find
another girl as cool as Mary?
866
00:55:16,217 --> 00:55:18,238
You like it?
867
00:55:22,232 --> 00:55:25,245
- What about Felicia?
- What about her?
868
00:55:27,895 --> 00:55:31,544
- She's into you.
- Yeah, no shit. Get in line.
869
00:55:31,545 --> 00:55:34,230
What is that?
She's not good enough for you?
870
00:55:34,231 --> 00:55:36,150
Felicia's awesome,
871
00:55:36,151 --> 00:55:39,831
but the obvious statement to make here
is that you like her.
872
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:44,342
- What? No, I...
- You're shocked. You can't believe it.
873
00:55:44,343 --> 00:55:48,629
- This bombshell. Come on.
- You know, she's not into me anyways.
874
00:55:48,630 --> 00:55:53,205
Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.
I still... I could never do that to you.
875
00:55:53,847 --> 00:55:57,590
Okay, but you do know
that she's not into you, right?
876
00:55:57,591 --> 00:56:01,941
- Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know.
- No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.
877
00:56:01,942 --> 00:56:06,324
There's no maybe. Okay?
And I'm saying this as your best friend,
878
00:56:06,325 --> 00:56:11,765
but never. Never fucking ever. You know?
879
00:56:11,766 --> 00:56:13,045
Because you guys are friends.
880
00:56:13,046 --> 00:56:17,303
You know what every girl
I've ever banged had in common?
881
00:56:17,717 --> 00:56:20,732
I wasn't friends with any of them.
882
00:56:22,101 --> 00:56:25,492
And they all had gorgeous teeth.
I'm into that.
883
00:56:25,493 --> 00:56:28,883
Real simple.
Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.
884
00:56:28,884 --> 00:56:32,373
Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins,
there's no height requirement.
885
00:56:32,374 --> 00:56:34,964
Why don't you step up
and win your girlfriend a prize?
886
00:56:34,965 --> 00:56:38,259
Uh... We're not... She's not my girlfriend.
887
00:56:38,260 --> 00:56:41,907
- What about your other girlfriend there?
- Nice.
888
00:56:58,163 --> 00:56:59,954
All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.
889
00:56:59,955 --> 00:57:03,186
Come on, you're almost there!
You're almost there! Go, go, go!
890
00:57:03,187 --> 00:57:05,590
AUTOMATED MALE VOICE:
Winner! Winner! Winner!
891
00:57:06,227 --> 00:57:08,593
- That was awesome.
- How the hell did you do that?
892
00:57:08,594 --> 00:57:10,769
We had one of these at Cub Scout camp.
I kind of mastered it.
893
00:57:10,770 --> 00:57:13,393
Yeah, you think you're hot shit?
894
00:57:14,675 --> 00:57:18,168
- Lolly?
- Thank you.
895
00:57:21,074 --> 00:57:23,412
Hey, hey, hey, ass.
896
00:57:26,129 --> 00:57:28,111
Hey. What's your secret?
897
00:57:28,112 --> 00:57:30,895
You just...
If you keep your shoulders down...
898
00:57:30,896 --> 00:57:33,841
- No coaching.
- What?
899
00:57:33,842 --> 00:57:36,272
No coaching there, Lombardi.
Read the sign.
900
00:57:36,273 --> 00:57:38,862
No coaching.
901
00:57:40,912 --> 00:57:42,927
Cheese and rice!
902
00:57:42,928 --> 00:57:44,623
Oh.
903
00:57:45,329 --> 00:57:49,072
- Thanks. I'm Sandy.
- I'm Ian.
904
00:57:49,073 --> 00:57:50,962
- Hi.
- Hey.
905
00:57:54,095 --> 00:57:58,191
- Consolation prize?
- Wow! Thank you so much.
906
00:57:58,192 --> 00:58:00,847
You know, my dance team's performing
over at the tent in a couple of minutes.
907
00:58:00,848 --> 00:58:02,223
You guys should come watch.
908
00:58:02,224 --> 00:58:05,006
- Actually, we were just about to go.
- That sounds super fun. He'll be there.
909
00:58:05,007 --> 00:58:07,279
Great. See you.
910
00:58:07,791 --> 00:58:09,696
Dude, that girl reeks of sex.
911
00:58:09,697 --> 00:58:11,533
(MY PREROGATIVE PLAYING)
912
00:58:11,534 --> 00:58:15,183
(SINGING)
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
913
00:58:15,184 --> 00:58:19,341
Why don't they just let me live?
914
00:58:19,342 --> 00:58:20,878
I don't need permission
915
00:58:20,879 --> 00:58:22,766
- Do we really have time for...
- Hey, hey.
916
00:58:22,767 --> 00:58:24,429
You have to stop doing that to him.
917
00:58:24,430 --> 00:58:26,350
- Doing what?
- Twat blocking.
918
00:58:26,351 --> 00:58:30,063
I'm not twat... Doing that.
919
00:58:37,902 --> 00:58:42,705
Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!
920
00:58:43,085 --> 00:58:46,961
Come on, girls,
let's help me get some fellas up in here.
921
00:58:48,077 --> 00:58:49,355
- Ian.
- Oh, no. Please.
922
00:58:49,356 --> 00:58:51,403
Get up there. Come on.
923
00:58:51,404 --> 00:58:53,294
SANDY: Come on!
924
00:58:53,452 --> 00:58:55,403
KAT: In the back! In the back!
925
00:58:55,404 --> 00:58:58,092
Yeah!
926
00:59:00,557 --> 00:59:05,992
Come on, two more, two more! Yeah!
927
00:59:07,277 --> 00:59:08,331
(LAUGHING)
928
00:59:08,332 --> 00:59:09,931
Dude, turn around.
929
00:59:09,932 --> 00:59:11,691
(KAT WHOOPING)
930
00:59:15,435 --> 00:59:17,521
(LAUGHING)
931
00:59:17,804 --> 00:59:23,665
Look at this fine crop
of handsome fellas I got here.
932
00:59:24,619 --> 00:59:27,274
But before we get down to business,
933
00:59:27,275 --> 00:59:28,809
there's a young woman here
934
00:59:28,810 --> 00:59:31,753
who would like to share her story
with these young men.
935
00:59:31,754 --> 00:59:36,262
- Kristy, you ready, baby?
- Okay.
936
00:59:38,313 --> 00:59:42,473
So, last year I was at a dance
with my boyfriend.
937
00:59:42,474 --> 00:59:45,128
He wanted to go to his car.
938
00:59:45,129 --> 00:59:46,856
So I did.
939
00:59:46,857 --> 00:59:52,807
So we were both naked in the back seat
and we started having oral...
940
00:59:53,706 --> 00:59:57,003
(INAUDIBLE)
941
01:00:05,769 --> 01:00:08,041
MAN IMITATING SOUL SINGER: Yeah!
942
01:00:09,353 --> 01:00:11,625
Daddy likes that!
943
01:00:13,671 --> 01:00:15,111
Excuse me!
944
01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:20,942
Excuse me!
Is this tragic story turning you on?
945
01:00:21,672 --> 01:00:24,555
(LAUGHING)
946
01:00:29,799 --> 01:00:35,494
This courageous young lady pours
her heart out and this is getting you hot?
947
01:00:35,495 --> 01:00:38,245
It's time for you to pledge. Right now!
948
01:00:38,246 --> 01:00:41,677
Boy, you need this more than anybody.
949
01:00:42,312 --> 01:00:45,064
Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.
950
01:00:45,800 --> 01:00:50,246
I can't believe you took
a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.
951
01:00:50,247 --> 01:00:51,333
It's classic.
952
01:00:51,334 --> 01:00:54,500
Look, I didn't even know what she was
talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?
953
01:00:54,501 --> 01:00:56,357
- Ian! Hey!
- It gets better.
954
01:00:56,358 --> 01:00:58,660
I am so proud of you!
955
01:00:58,661 --> 01:01:00,259
Get away from me. Is that what you do?
956
01:01:00,260 --> 01:01:03,525
You go out and you lure little dorks like me
into your little no-having-sex club?
957
01:01:03,526 --> 01:01:05,508
Ian, it's not like that at all.
958
01:01:05,509 --> 01:01:08,741
Just go away. Now.
959
01:01:11,749 --> 01:01:14,628
- I would've blown you, you know.
- Really?
960
01:01:14,629 --> 01:01:15,748
- Oh, man.
- Wow.
961
01:01:15,749 --> 01:01:19,363
You can keep your stupid
flipping lollipop, anyway!
962
01:01:21,316 --> 01:01:23,556
- You are dead, psycho-virgin!
- No, no!
963
01:01:23,557 --> 01:01:26,091
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
964
01:01:28,356 --> 01:01:32,810
Hey, are you sure you want to get
dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?
965
01:01:33,668 --> 01:01:36,002
Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.
966
01:01:36,003 --> 01:01:37,506
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
967
01:01:37,507 --> 01:01:40,008
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
968
01:01:49,859 --> 01:01:53,090
Fine, okay, you were right.
My feet are killing me,
969
01:01:53,091 --> 01:01:55,906
and I never should've tossed my shoes.
970
01:01:55,907 --> 01:02:00,360
No, come on.
I love that your shoes are in that tree.
971
01:02:02,274 --> 01:02:05,770
I do. That's premium Felicia.
972
01:02:08,578 --> 01:02:10,206
Oh.
973
01:02:10,467 --> 01:02:14,465
- So what'd you do to her?
- Hmm?
974
01:02:14,466 --> 01:02:15,937
Smack her around a little bit?
975
01:02:15,938 --> 01:02:17,824
She gets out of line, you pop her one?
976
01:02:17,825 --> 01:02:21,407
- No. No, sir, I...
- I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.
977
01:02:21,408 --> 01:02:23,614
We have fun.
978
01:02:23,872 --> 01:02:27,106
- He didn't, though, did he?
- Hmm? Mmm-mmm.
979
01:02:27,394 --> 01:02:29,411
Be back in a couple minutes.
I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.
980
01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:30,656
Mmm-hmm.
981
01:02:30,657 --> 01:02:33,278
Hands to yourself, O.J.
982
01:02:34,529 --> 01:02:39,103
Ian, you know the other night
at Lance's party?
983
01:02:41,056 --> 01:02:44,637
- Was I there?
- No, come on.
984
01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:47,909
Here.
985
01:02:50,528 --> 01:02:56,924
I mean, you know the only reason is
because I don't want to ruin our friendship.
986
01:02:57,407 --> 01:03:02,145
Totally, I mean friendship is awesome.
Good call.
987
01:03:02,719 --> 01:03:07,326
I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
988
01:03:13,950 --> 01:03:19,037
- You won't.
- What are you thinking about?
989
01:03:20,702 --> 01:03:24,316
- What are you thinking about?
- I asked you first.
990
01:03:27,677 --> 01:03:28,957
You got a little loogie.
991
01:03:28,958 --> 01:03:31,230
(GRUNTING)
992
01:03:32,030 --> 01:03:33,917
I'm gonna go see if Lance...
993
01:03:33,918 --> 01:03:34,972
Mmm-hmm.
994
01:03:34,973 --> 01:03:37,147
Go. Go.
995
01:03:48,188 --> 01:03:52,251
Um, I'll take these as well.
996
01:03:55,644 --> 01:04:00,699
They're not for me. They're not.
997
01:04:08,347 --> 01:04:11,679
- Heads up.
- What's with you?
998
01:04:12,924 --> 01:04:15,003
I'm thinking maybe we head back home.
999
01:04:15,004 --> 01:04:16,762
What? Why?
1000
01:04:16,763 --> 01:04:20,281
Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,
1001
01:04:20,282 --> 01:04:23,929
- and we kind of had a moment.
- Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?
1002
01:04:23,930 --> 01:04:26,073
- Yeah.
- You're a moron.
1003
01:04:26,074 --> 01:04:28,792
Fuck you. We've talked about this.
1004
01:04:28,793 --> 01:04:31,930
Look, we're almost there,
and I'm not letting her do this.
1005
01:04:31,931 --> 01:04:35,512
We're going to Knoxville,
and you're getting your nut.
1006
01:04:35,514 --> 01:04:37,593
No, I'm not. I'm not.
1007
01:04:37,594 --> 01:04:40,344
No, I'm gonna text Tasty,
and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.
1008
01:04:40,345 --> 01:04:43,928
- Ian, get in this car.
- I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
1009
01:04:43,929 --> 01:04:48,344
Shit, where's my phone?
Hey, you got a new smile.
1010
01:04:48,345 --> 01:04:51,897
You have my phone. I didn't know...
This is for you.
1011
01:04:51,898 --> 01:04:54,521
Mmm! A message came in.
1012
01:04:54,522 --> 01:04:57,432
Your grandma says she's really excited
to see you.
1013
01:04:57,433 --> 01:04:59,672
And something about her hot,
shaved pussy.
1014
01:04:59,673 --> 01:05:01,015
Must be the cancer talking.
1015
01:05:01,016 --> 01:05:02,071
(LANCE LAUGHS)
1016
01:05:02,072 --> 01:05:03,991
All right. Good deal.
We're going to Knoxville.
1017
01:05:03,992 --> 01:05:06,264
(GIVE UP? PLAYING)
1018
01:05:07,383 --> 01:05:10,877
(SINGING)
All I've got is frustration, frustration
1019
01:05:12,761 --> 01:05:15,607
I hate this vacation
1020
01:05:15,608 --> 01:05:19,670
So, give up, give up
Give up, give up
1021
01:05:19,671 --> 01:05:23,255
I've got to get away from here
It's killing me just thinking 'bout
1022
01:05:23,256 --> 01:05:28,341
Frustration, frustration
I hate this vacation...
1023
01:05:28,342 --> 01:05:30,965
Ian, you're going the wrong way.
1024
01:05:30,966 --> 01:05:33,397
- We're going home.
- What?
1025
01:05:33,398 --> 01:05:36,342
Please, do not turn around
because of me. Okay.
1026
01:05:36,343 --> 01:05:38,646
- Yeah, no shit.
- I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.
1027
01:05:38,647 --> 01:05:40,022
This is going to be hilarious.
1028
01:05:40,023 --> 01:05:42,453
A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.
1029
01:05:42,454 --> 01:05:45,301
Look, I said we're going home.
I don't want to talk about it.
1030
01:05:45,302 --> 01:05:46,901
I knew you'd find some way
to fuck this up for him.
1031
01:05:46,902 --> 01:05:50,228
(LISPING) Me? You two are fucking scheming
behind my back.
1032
01:05:50,229 --> 01:05:52,564
- No, we're not.
- Okay. You stole Rex's car.
1033
01:05:52,565 --> 01:05:54,259
You drove halfway across the country.
1034
01:05:54,260 --> 01:05:57,205
This must be what you want to do.
So do it, chicken shit!
1035
01:05:57,206 --> 01:05:59,572
- (LISPING) Fucking A, chicken shit.
- Fine! You know what?
1036
01:05:59,573 --> 01:06:02,516
I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch,
and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.
1037
01:06:02,517 --> 01:06:03,988
I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?
1038
01:06:03,989 --> 01:06:05,780
- Be that guy! That guy rules.
- FELICIA: Sounds awesome.
1039
01:06:05,781 --> 01:06:07,502
That would make me so happy.
1040
01:06:07,503 --> 01:06:09,396
All right. All right.
Fantastic! I'm doing it.
1041
01:06:09,397 --> 01:06:12,891
LANCE: Watch out, Ian! Fuck!
FELICIA: Watch it, Ian!
1042
01:06:14,196 --> 01:06:15,380
Whoo!
1043
01:06:15,381 --> 01:06:16,532
(LAUGHING)
1044
01:06:16,533 --> 01:06:19,028
- IAN: You like that?
- Did your fucking balls just drop?
1045
01:06:19,029 --> 01:06:21,137
Holy shit, Ian.
1046
01:06:21,365 --> 01:06:28,469
- Oh, man, it's this douche again.
- You want it? You got it.
1047
01:06:28,819 --> 01:06:30,770
- Hold on to your pantyhose.
- Okay, we gotta work on your banter,
1048
01:06:30,771 --> 01:06:32,977
but otherwise, this is awesome.
1049
01:06:32,978 --> 01:06:35,728
(DANGER ZONE PLAYING)
1050
01:06:35,729 --> 01:06:39,094
- You're losing him.
- No, I got him. I got him.
1051
01:06:40,723 --> 01:06:44,980
- Jesus, Ian! Not so close.
- God damn it!
1052
01:06:48,691 --> 01:06:51,257
No way, man! You're dead.
1053
01:06:52,498 --> 01:06:54,896
Sorry. He's all right.
1054
01:06:54,897 --> 01:06:58,066
LANCE: This guy's fucking dangerous!
1055
01:07:02,707 --> 01:07:04,433
Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.
1056
01:07:04,434 --> 01:07:07,600
Right up our ass. He's in our ass.
1057
01:07:11,408 --> 01:07:14,543
- LANCE: He's tagging out.
- Ah! Ladies!
1058
01:07:14,544 --> 01:07:15,567
Ian, look out!
1059
01:07:15,568 --> 01:07:17,196
(THUDDING)
1060
01:07:21,425 --> 01:07:22,831
Oh! Oh!
1061
01:07:22,832 --> 01:07:24,624
God damn it.
1062
01:07:25,648 --> 01:07:29,906
What were you doing, man? Shit.
1063
01:07:30,704 --> 01:07:33,263
Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault.
He jumped right in front of you.
1064
01:07:33,264 --> 01:07:36,399
Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.
1065
01:07:36,400 --> 01:07:37,905
Now, come on, man,
this possum's not gonna fuck you.
1066
01:07:37,906 --> 01:07:39,440
We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.
1067
01:07:39,441 --> 01:07:44,310
He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna
leave him here by himself. Okay?
1068
01:07:44,847 --> 01:07:48,145
Okay. You're right.
1069
01:07:49,519 --> 01:07:53,005
We gotta help him.
We gotta call a vet or something.
1070
01:07:53,006 --> 01:07:58,541
Ian, look at him.
There's not a lot that we can do.
1071
01:07:59,533 --> 01:08:01,966
You guys'll probably want to back up.
This'll probably stink like shit.
1072
01:08:01,967 --> 01:08:05,198
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm gonna take him out of his misery.
1073
01:08:05,199 --> 01:08:08,621
They don't make little wheelchairs for him.
He's done, man.
1074
01:08:08,622 --> 01:08:12,433
IAN: Fuck you, Lance.
God, you don't even give a shit about him.
1075
01:08:13,454 --> 01:08:15,442
I'll do it.
1076
01:08:23,566 --> 01:08:25,522
I'm sorry.
1077
01:08:25,773 --> 01:08:27,630
(GRUNTS)
1078
01:08:28,845 --> 01:08:31,248
LANCE: All possums go to heaven.
1079
01:08:31,725 --> 01:08:38,349
Uh... Ian. It... I think it's still...
1080
01:08:38,411 --> 01:08:40,432
Shit.
1081
01:08:46,636 --> 01:08:49,170
Oh, no.
1082
01:08:49,196 --> 01:08:52,395
Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...
1083
01:08:52,396 --> 01:08:58,761
Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it!
I'm trying to do the right thing here.
1084
01:08:58,762 --> 01:09:03,950
- He's really hanging in there.
- God! Fuck!
1085
01:09:04,812 --> 01:09:09,067
You guys ever listen to Sonic Youth? I've
been on a big Sonic Youth phase lately.
1086
01:09:09,068 --> 01:09:10,122
(SIREN WAILING)
1087
01:09:10,123 --> 01:09:13,104
You know, their bass player's a woman.
1088
01:09:14,154 --> 01:09:16,044
(GROANS)
1089
01:09:23,786 --> 01:09:25,927
We are in jail.
1090
01:09:34,185 --> 01:09:37,064
Okay, listen, you have got to be cool,
'cause if they see you shitting yourself
1091
01:09:37,065 --> 01:09:38,152
they're gonna fuck with us.
1092
01:09:38,153 --> 01:09:40,295
Hey! Hey, ladies.
1093
01:09:40,296 --> 01:09:43,879
Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down
before me and you have a problem?
1094
01:09:43,880 --> 01:09:47,432
How about you just chill out, man?
Be cool.
1095
01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:50,534
- All right. We good?
- Yeah, we're good.
1096
01:10:01,191 --> 01:10:06,541
- Excuse me.
- Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...
1097
01:10:07,400 --> 01:10:10,214
You should've seen the look in his eyes.
1098
01:10:10,215 --> 01:10:13,158
His heart was breaking
for this poor little thing.
1099
01:10:13,159 --> 01:10:17,734
Shit, that boy Ian don't seem
like he got no balls at all.
1100
01:10:17,735 --> 01:10:21,894
Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some
over a suffering critter?
1101
01:10:22,119 --> 01:10:23,845
I think that's real sweet.
1102
01:10:23,846 --> 01:10:27,046
Well, I say this Lance,
he sounds like a real hunk of man.
1103
01:10:27,047 --> 01:10:30,061
But he got no respect for bitches.
1104
01:10:30,183 --> 01:10:35,368
Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches.
None whatsoever.
1105
01:10:35,878 --> 01:10:38,891
You love Ian, don't you, baby?
1106
01:10:41,157 --> 01:10:45,987
Well, it's just we've been best friends
since we were really little,
1107
01:10:45,988 --> 01:10:49,412
and I don't know, he's the only person
I can really talk to, you know?
1108
01:10:49,413 --> 01:10:55,459
When I was a girl, my best friend was
a fella named Creighton McDaniel.
1109
01:10:55,717 --> 01:11:01,731
We used to stay up all night just talking
and laughing and carrying on.
1110
01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:06,565
Then one day I got it into my head
that we ought to be more than friends.
1111
01:11:06,788 --> 01:11:09,540
So I tell him I love him.
1112
01:11:09,541 --> 01:11:11,649
What happened?
1113
01:11:13,732 --> 01:11:16,713
We dated for a few weeks.
1114
01:11:16,740 --> 01:11:19,721
Then he met a gal over in Wofford.
1115
01:11:20,451 --> 01:11:23,367
We still talk from time to time.
1116
01:11:23,843 --> 01:11:26,943
But it was never the same between us.
1117
01:11:33,155 --> 01:11:39,879
Baby. Come here.
Come on, now. Come on, now.
1118
01:11:41,058 --> 01:11:44,966
You know you need a hug.
Come on, honey.
1119
01:11:45,666 --> 01:11:46,816
Cuddle up.
1120
01:11:46,817 --> 01:11:49,471
(URINATING)
1121
01:11:51,043 --> 01:11:52,671
LANCE: Dude.
1122
01:11:53,442 --> 01:11:57,601
- What?
- Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.
1123
01:11:59,586 --> 01:12:01,152
Yeah, I am.
1124
01:12:01,153 --> 01:12:04,995
- And that guy's looking right at your dick.
- Atta-boy.
1125
01:12:05,600 --> 01:12:07,839
(FLUSHING)
1126
01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:12,512
- Look at you. You're a new man.
- No, I'm not.
1127
01:12:12,513 --> 01:12:18,175
Dude. You stole a car, you got arrested,
you got in a prison fight.
1128
01:12:18,176 --> 01:12:20,703
And now you're in here pissing
like a big dog.
1129
01:12:20,704 --> 01:12:22,655
I mean, there's only one thing left.
1130
01:12:22,656 --> 01:12:26,466
Yeah, well, that's out.
I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.
1131
01:12:26,592 --> 01:12:29,054
Dude, when we get out of here,
just tell her you got pinched.
1132
01:12:29,055 --> 01:12:32,485
She'll think that's bad-ass, because it is.
1133
01:12:32,992 --> 01:12:36,001
Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.
1134
01:12:36,002 --> 01:12:37,023
Really?
1135
01:12:37,024 --> 01:12:42,046
- Time to go.
- Shit!
1136
01:12:42,047 --> 01:12:45,060
- What?
- Rex.
1137
01:12:45,118 --> 01:12:46,812
Oh.
1138
01:12:47,614 --> 01:12:48,669
(SIGHS)
1139
01:12:48,670 --> 01:12:51,932
All right, Duane, I'm gonna go to your
MySpace page and listen to your album.
1140
01:12:51,933 --> 01:12:56,956
And I hope to see you soon
in better circumstances.
1141
01:13:06,526 --> 01:13:08,514
- Hey.
- Mary!
1142
01:13:10,780 --> 01:13:12,828
Wait. Wait. How did you find me?
1143
01:13:12,829 --> 01:13:15,709
Well, I called your cell phone,
and then someone answered here.
1144
01:13:15,710 --> 01:13:21,539
- That's awesome. Okay.
- Are you okay? Why are you in jail?
1145
01:13:23,164 --> 01:13:26,299
I mean, there's a number of charges, but the
most prominent ones were animal cruelty
1146
01:13:26,300 --> 01:13:28,379
and the assaulting the officer.
1147
01:13:28,380 --> 01:13:31,098
But it's not nearly as bad
as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.
1148
01:13:31,099 --> 01:13:34,715
- Okay.
- Okay. Wait right here. Okay.
1149
01:13:34,780 --> 01:13:36,859
- Teddy, Carol.
- Lance, my man.
1150
01:13:36,860 --> 01:13:39,547
- You guys got my stuff?
- It's gonna be a few minutes.
1151
01:13:39,548 --> 01:13:41,627
All right. I gotta put up with a lot here.
1152
01:13:41,628 --> 01:13:43,645
I was raped last night.
I'm just fucking with you.
1153
01:13:43,646 --> 01:13:45,568
(LAUGHING)
1154
01:13:46,012 --> 01:13:48,927
Oh, man. But one guy did get raped.
1155
01:14:01,754 --> 01:14:04,190
(FLYING HIGH PLAYING)
1156
01:14:13,433 --> 01:14:16,729
(SINGING) You can't know, oh, no
You can't know
1157
01:14:16,730 --> 01:14:22,559
How much I think about you, no
1158
01:14:23,193 --> 01:14:26,720
It's making my head spin
1159
01:14:29,081 --> 01:14:32,504
Looking at you
And you are looking at me
1160
01:14:32,505 --> 01:14:36,479
And we both know what we want
1161
01:14:38,745 --> 01:14:42,552
So close to giving in
1162
01:14:42,553 --> 01:14:49,814
Ian, don't do this. No,
don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.
1163
01:14:49,815 --> 01:14:52,054
Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.
1164
01:14:52,055 --> 01:14:56,725
So what if you're a virgin?
God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...
1165
01:14:56,726 --> 01:15:01,750
No, Felicia, it's not about the sex.
It's not. I'm weird.
1166
01:15:01,751 --> 01:15:05,973
I'm the only virgin I know.
I need to get this done
1167
01:15:05,974 --> 01:15:09,142
so everyone can just stop
freaking out about it.
1168
01:15:09,143 --> 01:15:11,958
Look, I know you don't approve,
but I'm sorry, I just...
1169
01:15:11,959 --> 01:15:13,846
I'm not going home a virgin.
1170
01:15:13,847 --> 01:15:16,151
Then do it with me.
1171
01:15:17,653 --> 01:15:19,283
What?
1172
01:15:20,535 --> 01:15:23,603
Do it with me and not some stranger.
1173
01:15:24,214 --> 01:15:27,605
We're friends so you know
you're not gonna get some, like,
1174
01:15:27,606 --> 01:15:31,764
crabs or genital warts
or some pussing thing that's coming...
1175
01:15:31,765 --> 01:15:34,866
Wow, Leesh. That's hot!
1176
01:15:36,596 --> 01:15:39,123
You know what?
1177
01:15:39,124 --> 01:15:43,252
I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever
than lose it on pity-sex.
1178
01:15:43,477 --> 01:15:46,390
- I'm not talking about pity-sex.
- Then what are you talking about?
1179
01:15:46,391 --> 01:15:50,036
I don't know. Sex.
1180
01:15:50,037 --> 01:15:56,179
It doesn't have to mean anything.
It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.
1181
01:15:56,180 --> 01:15:57,235
Ah!
1182
01:15:57,236 --> 01:16:00,535
Leesh, you know what?
Fuck the friendship!
1183
01:16:00,661 --> 01:16:02,420
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
1184
01:16:02,421 --> 01:16:06,707
I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to
about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...
1185
01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,107
I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up
in the middle of the night,
1186
01:16:09,108 --> 01:16:13,496
and you're gonna cry to because
Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.
1187
01:16:14,451 --> 01:16:18,385
And maybe I'm just being selfish here,
but it is not enough.
1188
01:16:18,386 --> 01:16:21,714
Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door,
and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex
1189
01:16:21,715 --> 01:16:27,129
with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully
female person that I met on the Internet.
1190
01:16:28,594 --> 01:16:31,892
Unless you've got something better
to say to me.
1191
01:16:44,594 --> 01:16:46,866
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
1192
01:16:47,825 --> 01:16:50,293
That's what I thought.
1193
01:17:18,863 --> 01:17:21,070
Check out time, dick-cheese.
1194
01:17:21,071 --> 01:17:25,428
- Rex, how'd you find me?
- You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
1195
01:17:26,704 --> 01:17:28,335
(SIREN WAILING)
1196
01:17:28,336 --> 01:17:30,574
(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING)
1197
01:17:30,575 --> 01:17:31,694
Come here.
1198
01:17:31,695 --> 01:17:34,286
(SINGING) Burn that mother down, y'all
1199
01:17:34,287 --> 01:17:35,981
Burn, baby, burn
1200
01:17:35,982 --> 01:17:37,741
Disco inferno
1201
01:17:37,742 --> 01:17:39,341
Burn, baby, burn
1202
01:17:39,342 --> 01:17:40,653
Burn that mother down
1203
01:17:40,654 --> 01:17:43,436
Come on, Rex, wait. The girl...
The one I told you about from the Internet.
1204
01:17:43,437 --> 01:17:46,766
She's right across the street, Rex.
She wants to do it with me and everything.
1205
01:17:46,767 --> 01:17:49,104
Like I give a shit!
1206
01:17:54,061 --> 01:17:56,083
(SCREAMING)
1207
01:18:00,749 --> 01:18:02,636
Get your shit, queer-bait!
We're going home.
1208
01:18:02,637 --> 01:18:04,491
Okay. Okay, fine.
1209
01:18:04,492 --> 01:18:06,477
Now!
1210
01:18:06,478 --> 01:18:08,364
It probably wouldn't have changed
1211
01:18:08,365 --> 01:18:12,361
all these feelings
that I've been having lately anyway.
1212
01:18:13,229 --> 01:18:15,691
What are you talking about?
1213
01:18:15,692 --> 01:18:20,080
I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,
1214
01:18:20,939 --> 01:18:26,407
curiosity about men.
1215
01:18:28,140 --> 01:18:30,380
Oh, shit, Ian!
1216
01:18:31,020 --> 01:18:36,042
I think you might be right.
I think I might be getting gay.
1217
01:18:36,043 --> 01:18:41,033
Oh, God damn it. Oh, fuck!
1218
01:18:41,611 --> 01:18:44,841
But I just haven't had
any luck with girls, Rex.
1219
01:18:44,842 --> 01:18:49,320
No way! No way my little brother's
taking it in the chili ring.
1220
01:18:55,083 --> 01:18:58,828
All right, you take the car,
1221
01:18:59,018 --> 01:19:01,864
and you go bang a female woman
like the good Lord intended.
1222
01:19:01,865 --> 01:19:04,136
You've got one hour!
1223
01:19:04,137 --> 01:19:06,223
- Ian.
- Yeah?
1224
01:19:08,234 --> 01:19:12,011
- Not up the butt.
- Right.
1225
01:19:33,705 --> 01:19:38,475
Hey, man. You looking for somebody?
1226
01:19:41,479 --> 01:19:43,206
Ms. Tasty.
1227
01:19:44,231 --> 01:19:47,049
MS. TASTY: Ian?
1228
01:19:51,208 --> 01:19:54,374
Oh, my gosh! Hey.
1229
01:19:54,375 --> 01:19:57,388
I was sure you were standing me up.
1230
01:19:58,023 --> 01:20:01,899
- But here you are. Look at you.
- See you.
1231
01:20:02,471 --> 01:20:05,573
You look a little different than your picture.
1232
01:20:05,574 --> 01:20:09,514
Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight
'cause I had the runs... The flu.
1233
01:20:10,470 --> 01:20:14,664
Well, you're mighty cute,
and your car is really pretty.
1234
01:20:15,750 --> 01:20:18,666
Why don't you take me for a ride?
1235
01:20:22,981 --> 01:20:26,955
So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?
1236
01:20:28,068 --> 01:20:34,313
- How about I tell you after?
- Yeah, sure.
1237
01:20:35,749 --> 01:20:38,402
Works for me.
1238
01:20:42,949 --> 01:20:43,971
(ATLANTIS PLAYING)
1239
01:20:43,972 --> 01:20:51,139
(SINGING)... below the ocean
Where I wanna be
1240
01:20:51,140 --> 01:20:53,188
She may be
1241
01:20:53,189 --> 01:20:56,740
Way down below the ocean...
1242
01:20:56,741 --> 01:20:59,842
- No, Mary, wait.
- What?
1243
01:20:59,843 --> 01:21:03,714
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I mean...
1244
01:21:03,715 --> 01:21:08,006
Nothing, I just... I really like you,
1245
01:21:10,306 --> 01:21:14,947
and I don't want to ruin this. You know?
1246
01:21:15,267 --> 01:21:20,129
But, hey, maybe you could come
to Chicago and we could hang out
1247
01:21:20,130 --> 01:21:21,985
- and take it a little...
- No.
1248
01:21:21,986 --> 01:21:26,015
Lance, it doesn't work like that.
1249
01:21:28,962 --> 01:21:32,936
And, I mean, if I don't go back,
I'm gonna be shunned.
1250
01:21:33,665 --> 01:21:36,550
I could never see my family again.
1251
01:21:37,378 --> 01:21:42,148
- This Amish thing is a real motherfucker.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
1252
01:21:50,304 --> 01:21:52,030
- Ian.
- Yeah.
1253
01:21:52,031 --> 01:21:55,330
I think we should take our clothes off.
1254
01:21:55,968 --> 01:21:57,632
Wow. Really? Right here?
1255
01:21:57,633 --> 01:21:59,136
Mmm-hmm.
1256
01:21:59,137 --> 01:22:02,849
No one's around for miles. Come on.
1257
01:22:02,912 --> 01:22:04,671
Okay.
1258
01:22:10,975 --> 01:22:14,174
- What do you think?
- Ample.
1259
01:22:14,175 --> 01:22:16,064
Mmm-hmm.
1260
01:22:17,344 --> 01:22:19,935
I think we should take
your clothes off now.
1261
01:22:19,936 --> 01:22:23,102
Yeah, maybe we should.
1262
01:22:23,103 --> 01:22:27,901
- I don't play football!
- Okay.
1263
01:22:27,902 --> 01:22:30,141
I... I really don't.
I mean, I don't even really watch football.
1264
01:22:30,142 --> 01:22:32,252
I mean, I got all that stuff
from Friday Night Lights,
1265
01:22:32,253 --> 01:22:35,164
which is a show. It's also a movie
starring Billy Bob Thornton.
1266
01:22:35,165 --> 01:22:37,149
- I don't know if you saw it, but...
- Ian.
1267
01:22:37,150 --> 01:22:43,037
What? You think everything in my profile's
the God's honest truth? No.
1268
01:22:43,038 --> 01:22:46,499
Now, come on, take your clothes off.
1269
01:22:48,126 --> 01:22:53,060
Look, there's this girl...
1270
01:22:53,597 --> 01:22:58,336
Ian, this can be our little secret.
No one has to know.
1271
01:22:59,262 --> 01:23:01,370
Now come here.
1272
01:23:13,179 --> 01:23:18,168
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I can't do this with you.
1273
01:23:18,363 --> 01:23:23,299
I'm kissing you,
and I'm thinking about somebody else.
1274
01:23:23,739 --> 01:23:28,160
No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say.
I mean, she's not even...
1275
01:23:28,187 --> 01:23:29,242
(SNIFFLING)
1276
01:23:29,243 --> 01:23:33,021
Oh, no, no, no. Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.
1277
01:23:33,211 --> 01:23:37,497
It's not a reflection of...
You're so pretty, like...
1278
01:23:37,498 --> 01:23:39,193
You're laughing.
1279
01:23:39,194 --> 01:23:42,722
Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!
1280
01:23:43,099 --> 01:23:46,425
Look, I'm sorry, okay.
I don't mean to lead you on here,
1281
01:23:46,426 --> 01:23:50,585
and I'll give you a ride home,
but I don't think that... What the fuck?
1282
01:23:50,586 --> 01:23:53,305
You heard the lady. Strip.
1283
01:23:55,673 --> 01:23:59,319
- Do you have any jacks?
- Yup.
1284
01:23:59,993 --> 01:24:03,448
- I win.
- Oh! Again.
1285
01:24:03,449 --> 01:24:05,077
Yup.
1286
01:24:08,825 --> 01:24:11,926
- All right, just take your shirt off.
- Okay, good.
1287
01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:18,970
You were right, Ian. '69 Judge.
You were worth the wait.
1288
01:24:21,079 --> 01:24:26,615
- Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car!
- Oh, and good luck with the lady friend.
1289
01:24:27,800 --> 01:24:30,071
(MS. TASTY WHOOPING)
1290
01:24:30,072 --> 01:24:34,046
Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
1291
01:24:35,223 --> 01:24:38,197
Now, listen. I got another car coming
any minute now, okay?
1292
01:24:38,198 --> 01:24:39,893
- Got it.
- So take me back to the Big Boy
1293
01:24:39,894 --> 01:24:42,877
- and get this goat over to Luis.
- Right.
1294
01:24:43,511 --> 01:24:49,656
And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
1295
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:51,893
- I fucking told you.
- I know where it is.
1296
01:24:51,894 --> 01:24:53,850
(CLANKING)
1297
01:24:54,263 --> 01:24:56,022
Shit!
1298
01:25:06,806 --> 01:25:08,500
Hi.
1299
01:25:13,558 --> 01:25:17,044
- Hey, boys. You finally made it.
- What's up, Ms. Tasty?
1300
01:25:17,045 --> 01:25:19,539
What's up? What's up?
1301
01:25:19,540 --> 01:25:22,131
- Damn, you're hot as fuck.
- Yeah.
1302
01:25:22,132 --> 01:25:26,522
- We brought beers and rubbers.
- And some lotion for your tits.
1303
01:25:30,581 --> 01:25:31,603
(PHONE RINGING)
1304
01:25:31,604 --> 01:25:37,499
(LANCE AND MARY MOANING)
1305
01:25:40,243 --> 01:25:45,626
I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick.
I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
1306
01:25:45,748 --> 01:25:48,599
Oh, yeah! More of that.
1307
01:25:50,228 --> 01:25:55,315
So, wait, you do want to party?
1308
01:25:55,443 --> 01:25:56,594
With us?
1309
01:25:56,595 --> 01:26:00,209
Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.
1310
01:26:18,802 --> 01:26:22,198
Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
1311
01:26:23,282 --> 01:26:28,178
- Who the fuck are you?
- Holy fucking fuck-balls!
1312
01:26:28,179 --> 01:26:32,113
Okay, my bad.
1313
01:26:32,114 --> 01:26:33,712
Now, I thought you were someone else,
all right?
1314
01:26:33,713 --> 01:26:39,542
You done fouled up my ride,
so I'm gonna have to take yours.
1315
01:26:39,728 --> 01:26:40,847
Fuck that shit.
1316
01:26:40,848 --> 01:26:41,871
(GUN COCKING)
1317
01:26:41,872 --> 01:26:44,307
Here you go. Pulls to the left.
1318
01:26:45,519 --> 01:26:48,109
What the fuck, dumb-ass?
1319
01:26:51,217 --> 01:26:53,903
Oh, shit!
1320
01:26:54,288 --> 01:27:00,367
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
1321
01:27:00,368 --> 01:27:03,087
Hey, highlights, back it up.
1322
01:27:03,375 --> 01:27:05,843
Bite my dick, asshole!
1323
01:27:09,680 --> 01:27:13,647
Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
1324
01:27:13,648 --> 01:27:16,110
Lance? What the fuck is going on?
1325
01:27:16,111 --> 01:27:17,742
That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!
1326
01:27:17,743 --> 01:27:20,749
Hey, guy. How'd you...
1327
01:27:20,750 --> 01:27:24,076
- Found your computer maps, douche-bag!
- Okay.
1328
01:27:24,077 --> 01:27:28,076
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Boat show,
you and your boyfriend bring it in here.
1329
01:27:28,077 --> 01:27:29,358
I don't need no trouble right now.
1330
01:27:29,359 --> 01:27:31,827
Let's go. Bring it in.
1331
01:27:32,526 --> 01:27:36,140
- Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that?
- BOBBY JO: Who?
1332
01:27:36,141 --> 01:27:39,154
- That!
- Son of a bitch!
1333
01:27:39,276 --> 01:27:40,877
(GROANING)
1334
01:27:40,878 --> 01:27:42,189
Come on, darling.
1335
01:27:42,190 --> 01:27:44,492
- Shut up!
- Now, take it easy on the hair.
1336
01:27:44,493 --> 01:27:47,179
- Get down!
- Hey, hey, come on.
1337
01:27:47,180 --> 01:27:50,861
- All right, all right.
- IAN: Take your hands off her!
1338
01:27:54,253 --> 01:27:56,623
(IAN EXCLAIMING)
1339
01:27:58,093 --> 01:28:00,179
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1340
01:28:01,132 --> 01:28:04,942
ANDY: Holy loud!
RANDY: People are in the vehicle.
1341
01:28:09,323 --> 01:28:11,727
IAN: Please! No!
1342
01:28:16,812 --> 01:28:19,818
- All right. Get back, man.
- Ian?
1343
01:28:19,819 --> 01:28:22,474
Everybody just be cool.
1344
01:28:22,475 --> 01:28:25,001
- Felicia, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1345
01:28:25,002 --> 01:28:28,009
Ian, give me the goddamn gun
before you shoot your dick off.
1346
01:28:28,010 --> 01:28:29,225
- Rex, I got this.
- Ian!
1347
01:28:29,226 --> 01:28:33,256
God damn it, Rex, I got this!
Do not fuck with me! Not now!
1348
01:28:33,676 --> 01:28:37,354
Ease it back, man.
That donut ain't fucking around.
1349
01:28:38,346 --> 01:28:41,033
Hands where I can see them.
1350
01:28:41,290 --> 01:28:45,320
- Ian, dude, you're working the mouth.
- I don't give a shit!
1351
01:28:45,321 --> 01:28:49,351
Okay. All right, sorry.
You're doing so good. Proud of you.
1352
01:28:49,352 --> 01:28:51,015
I mean that. I don't say it enough.
1353
01:28:51,016 --> 01:28:55,145
All right, you, corn-fed, you can
punch my friend Lance, but just once.
1354
01:28:55,146 --> 01:28:58,280
- Dude! What the fuck?
- You nailed his girlfriend.
1355
01:28:58,281 --> 01:29:01,352
- Not exactly. I mean, it was...
- And he came all this way.
1356
01:29:01,353 --> 01:29:05,415
All right. All right, fair enough.
Just not in the nuts.
1357
01:29:06,601 --> 01:29:08,199
(LANCE GRUNTS)
1358
01:29:08,200 --> 01:29:13,899
- Oh, shit!
- Okay. Okay, all right.
1359
01:29:14,953 --> 01:29:19,591
What a punch.
I think my kids are gonna be retarded.
1360
01:29:19,592 --> 01:29:21,447
You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.
1361
01:29:21,448 --> 01:29:27,174
- Yeah, you got a little...
- Thanks. My ears are ringing.
1362
01:29:27,175 --> 01:29:29,030
IAN: Stop it! I'm warning you!
1363
01:29:29,031 --> 01:29:32,293
Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.
1364
01:29:32,294 --> 01:29:33,733
(MS. TASTY EXCLAIMS)
1365
01:29:33,734 --> 01:29:35,364
BOBBY JO: Whoa!
1366
01:29:36,903 --> 01:29:40,070
- Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude.
- I'll shoot you in the leg.
1367
01:29:40,071 --> 01:29:42,506
Smoke that cock, Ian!
1368
01:29:43,142 --> 01:29:45,029
I don't think you got the plums, boy.
1369
01:29:45,030 --> 01:29:47,684
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1370
01:29:48,326 --> 01:29:50,980
God!
1371
01:29:51,942 --> 01:29:53,669
(GROANING)
1372
01:29:56,391 --> 01:29:59,274
Okay. Okay.
1373
01:30:00,422 --> 01:30:03,851
Anybody can shoot someone
in the leg, dude.
1374
01:30:04,326 --> 01:30:08,169
- Give me the gun!
- Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
1375
01:30:10,373 --> 01:30:13,315
Don't move, asshole,
or you're a fucking stain.
1376
01:30:13,316 --> 01:30:15,075
Okay.
1377
01:30:15,620 --> 01:30:18,916
Holy shit, Ian. Right on!
1378
01:30:18,917 --> 01:30:21,155
Where do you think you're going, bitch?
1379
01:30:21,156 --> 01:30:22,564
Cat fight!
1380
01:30:22,565 --> 01:30:23,587
(BOTH SQUEALING)
1381
01:30:23,588 --> 01:30:24,611
(CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING)
1382
01:30:24,612 --> 01:30:28,291
(SINGING)
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
1383
01:30:28,292 --> 01:30:29,891
FELICIA: Damn you, whore!
1384
01:30:29,892 --> 01:30:31,587
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
1385
01:30:31,588 --> 01:30:33,827
Fuck you!
1386
01:30:35,044 --> 01:30:39,459
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
1387
01:30:39,460 --> 01:30:41,700
Come crashing through your door
1388
01:30:42,883 --> 01:30:49,345
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
1389
01:30:49,346 --> 01:30:52,033
Drop the weapon, donut man!
1390
01:30:52,738 --> 01:30:55,041
Okay, put your hands on your head!
1391
01:30:55,042 --> 01:30:58,530
- Both hands, asshole!
- IAN: I can't move the other arm.
1392
01:30:58,531 --> 01:31:02,756
- Who said that? Who said that?
- I can't move the other arm.
1393
01:31:03,746 --> 01:31:04,865
(TASER ZAPPING)
1394
01:31:04,866 --> 01:31:07,873
Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.
1395
01:31:07,874 --> 01:31:09,896
(SCREAMING)
1396
01:31:11,425 --> 01:31:15,748
The big Mexican won't go down!
Take the shot!
1397
01:31:15,809 --> 01:31:17,472
- Holy shit.
- Jesus!
1398
01:31:17,473 --> 01:31:20,289
Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?
1399
01:31:20,290 --> 01:31:24,613
He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.
1400
01:31:24,929 --> 01:31:29,023
Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.
1401
01:31:36,255 --> 01:31:38,364
FEMALE OFFICER: Anything else?
1402
01:31:39,391 --> 01:31:42,271
FELICIA: Oh, yeah,
apparently there's a guy named Luis,
1403
01:31:42,272 --> 01:31:45,886
and he has a chop shop
at 5th and Crescent!
1404
01:31:45,952 --> 01:31:47,039
Thanks.
1405
01:31:47,040 --> 01:31:48,414
We were just banging that chick in our car.
1406
01:31:48,415 --> 01:31:51,486
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
- Yeah, super hard.
1407
01:31:51,487 --> 01:31:57,342
The boy did have some plums.
He had some plums.
1408
01:31:57,343 --> 01:32:00,445
Hey, this is Rick.
He's played arena football.
1409
01:32:00,446 --> 01:32:02,751
- Hi. I'm Mary.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
1410
01:32:02,752 --> 01:32:04,415
That's a weird little dude you got there.
1411
01:32:04,416 --> 01:32:05,471
LANCE: Are you guys hungry?
1412
01:32:05,472 --> 01:32:08,223
Is this place open 24 hours?
1413
01:32:09,823 --> 01:32:12,957
Thank you for coming for me.
1414
01:32:13,342 --> 01:32:16,285
What were you doing in the back seat?
1415
01:32:16,286 --> 01:32:19,420
Nothing. I was...
1416
01:32:19,421 --> 01:32:23,899
- You were stalking me.
- No, I wasn't. I...
1417
01:32:24,989 --> 01:32:28,964
Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.
1418
01:32:29,725 --> 01:32:33,180
I just... I knew you were gonna do
something you were gonna regret, and I...
1419
01:32:33,181 --> 01:32:37,853
Felicia. Why can't you just say it?
1420
01:32:42,011 --> 01:32:46,369
- Why can't you?
- Well, I asked you first.
1421
01:32:53,436 --> 01:32:55,740
Fine. I'll say it.
1422
01:33:01,434 --> 01:33:05,596
- You love me.
- Fine.
1423
01:33:06,971 --> 01:33:08,826
You love me, too, then.
1424
01:33:08,827 --> 01:33:11,514
(LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)
1425
01:33:13,658 --> 01:33:19,967
(SINGING) Life is beautiful
1426
01:33:21,721 --> 01:33:25,466
But it's complicated
1427
01:33:25,467 --> 01:33:26,522
Thank God.
1428
01:33:26,523 --> 01:33:31,424
We barely make it
1429
01:33:33,594 --> 01:33:35,484
(MOOING)
1430
01:33:43,256 --> 01:33:45,433
You fucking heifer.
1431
01:33:45,434 --> 01:33:47,160
(ENGINE REVVING)
1432
01:33:58,329 --> 01:33:59,895
- You fixed it!
- Yeah.
1433
01:33:59,896 --> 01:34:02,136
Don't lean on it.
1434
01:34:03,800 --> 01:34:06,072
I guess you get to live.
1435
01:34:06,073 --> 01:34:09,048
- IAN: You guys are amazing.
- Thanks.
1436
01:34:09,049 --> 01:34:10,583
Let's talk seriously for a second.
1437
01:34:10,584 --> 01:34:16,532
I figure with the parts and labor,
you know, out the door... 4,200.
1438
01:34:17,943 --> 01:34:19,126
Oh. Um...
1439
01:34:19,127 --> 01:34:20,181
It's just a round number.
1440
01:34:20,182 --> 01:34:23,228
Yeah. No, I didn't really...
1441
01:34:26,582 --> 01:34:27,895
I don't know what to...
1442
01:34:27,896 --> 01:34:30,870
(LAUGHING)
I'm fucking with you, Ian. We're good, man.
1443
01:34:30,871 --> 01:34:34,901
- Wait, I mean, you're serious?
- Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.
1444
01:34:34,902 --> 01:34:36,244
- You sure?
- Yeah, of course.
1445
01:34:36,245 --> 01:34:37,269
- Thank you, man.
- It's what I live for,
1446
01:34:37,270 --> 01:34:40,405
fixing other people's shit for free.
1447
01:34:42,646 --> 01:34:44,372
Yeah.
1448
01:34:48,982 --> 01:34:51,446
- Hey.
- REX: Straight home, pussy!
1449
01:34:51,447 --> 01:34:55,637
- Dude, we got to go.
- REX: Fucking piece of shit!
1450
01:34:55,638 --> 01:34:59,220
You go on ahead.
I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.
1451
01:34:59,221 --> 01:35:01,107
Dude, what are you talking about?
1452
01:35:01,108 --> 01:35:05,170
I don't know, a little hard work,
fresh air, missionary position.
1453
01:35:05,299 --> 01:35:07,026
It's a man's life.
1454
01:35:07,027 --> 01:35:08,725
- Sounds pretty good, you know.
- Yeah, it sounds...
1455
01:35:08,726 --> 01:35:11,925
Come on, Lance. Get serious.
1456
01:35:15,508 --> 01:35:17,529
Come here.
1457
01:35:17,779 --> 01:35:20,595
I gotta tell you, I'm impressed.
I'm proud of you, you know.
1458
01:35:20,596 --> 01:35:24,243
You held out for a good one,
the one you wanted.
1459
01:35:24,372 --> 01:35:27,254
And you fucking made it happen.
1460
01:35:27,859 --> 01:35:32,531
But, please, I'm begging you,
go take that girl to visit Grandma.
1461
01:35:32,532 --> 01:35:34,771
- All right.
- And when you do, don't...
1462
01:35:34,772 --> 01:35:38,517
- Lance, I got it.
- Yeah?
1463
01:35:39,219 --> 01:35:40,945
Yeah.
1464
01:35:42,290 --> 01:35:44,721
Okay. I think you might.
1465
01:35:44,722 --> 01:35:47,092
- See you.
- Bye.
1466
01:35:48,017 --> 01:35:51,513
(PORCUPINE JACKET PLAYING)
1467
01:35:52,402 --> 01:35:56,241
(SINGING) Well, no, no, me, I never worry
1468
01:35:56,242 --> 01:35:59,408
Because, me, I never try
1469
01:35:59,409 --> 01:36:06,766
And I never care to hold onto
what I just couldn't kiss goodbye
1470
01:36:23,728 --> 01:36:28,116
- Are you sure you're ready?
- Yeah.
1471
01:36:29,487 --> 01:36:32,786
All right, well, come on, take them off.
1472
01:36:43,983 --> 01:36:46,004
Let's do it.
1473
01:37:04,398 --> 01:37:06,637
TIFFANY: Fuck!
Don't start your fucking shit with me.
1474
01:37:06,638 --> 01:37:09,708
You know what? Fuck you!
I want a divorce.
1475
01:37:09,709 --> 01:37:12,715
IAN: A few weeks later,
I was Felicia's date to Tiffany's wedding.
1476
01:37:12,716 --> 01:37:16,692
But this time,
it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.
1477
01:37:18,189 --> 01:37:21,618
And Rex did make my life hell for a while.
1478
01:37:21,773 --> 01:37:23,339
But that Thanksgiving,
1479
01:37:23,340 --> 01:37:26,636
we finally found out
what's been up his ass all these years.
1480
01:37:26,637 --> 01:37:30,993
I'm gay! And, so, that's it.
1481
01:37:32,716 --> 01:37:35,212
IAN: By Christmas,
my dad got used to the idea.
1482
01:37:35,213 --> 01:37:38,124
And Rex is actually
a pretty great guy these days.
1483
01:37:38,125 --> 01:37:40,844
Yeah, now he only uses the word faggot
during rough sex.
1484
01:37:40,845 --> 01:37:43,371
Karen and I want you to have this,
for Christmas.
1485
01:37:43,372 --> 01:37:45,961
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
1486
01:37:47,627 --> 01:37:48,939
A juicer.
1487
01:37:48,940 --> 01:37:54,601
Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome.
Wow, I gotta get some fruit.
1488
01:37:54,602 --> 01:37:56,298
Wow!
1489
01:37:59,500 --> 01:38:00,970
Thank you, thank you.
1490
01:38:00,971 --> 01:38:05,002
IAN: And on New Year's Eve,
Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.
1491
01:38:05,003 --> 01:38:07,538
- Again?
- Really?
1492
01:38:08,298 --> 01:38:10,155
IAN: Twice.
1493
01:38:16,170 --> 01:38:18,160
(LAUGHING)
1494
01:38:19,403 --> 01:38:21,773
Oh, that was awesome!
1495
01:38:59,721 --> 01:39:03,594
- Hey, boys. You get some rest?
- Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.
1496
01:39:03,595 --> 01:39:05,319
- A pleasure.
- Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.
1497
01:39:05,320 --> 01:39:07,721
- Appreciate it.
- Thanks for playing that show for us, too.
1498
01:39:07,722 --> 01:39:10,950
- Yeah, no worries.
- It was a nice five-song set.
1499
01:39:10,951 --> 01:39:13,317
Yeah, what do you guys typically...
1500
01:39:13,318 --> 01:39:15,877
I assume you get compensated
very well for that.
1501
01:39:15,878 --> 01:39:18,692
- Must be a good living.
- Yeah, we do. I mean...
1502
01:39:18,693 --> 01:39:21,542
Yeah, you know, I...
Gosh, if I was really to calculate
1503
01:39:21,543 --> 01:39:24,581
what you'd lose if this bus
couldn't have gotten back on the road,
1504
01:39:24,582 --> 01:39:25,829
if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,
1505
01:39:25,830 --> 01:39:30,630
I imagine all those weeping teenage girls
outside, "I need to dance. "
1506
01:39:30,631 --> 01:39:33,253
Could we send you some pictures?
We don't really have cash or anything.
1507
01:39:33,254 --> 01:39:36,260
- Some autographed photos?
- Or we could give you CDs.
1508
01:39:36,261 --> 01:39:38,468
Yeah, we've got a lot of use
for that around here.
1509
01:39:38,469 --> 01:39:40,742
There is a lot of work
that needs to be done around here.
1510
01:39:40,743 --> 01:39:42,501
You guys are some strapping young lads.
1511
01:39:42,502 --> 01:39:45,452
I don't know if we're really built for that.
1512
01:39:46,342 --> 01:39:48,740
- Yeah.
- I can hear you.
1513
01:39:48,741 --> 01:39:50,884
I'm just saying,
you guys put in a 20-minute show,
1514
01:39:50,885 --> 01:39:52,516
- we spent all night on the bus...
- Yeah.
1515
01:39:52,517 --> 01:39:53,828
I mean, that was a lot of work.
1516
01:39:53,829 --> 01:39:56,099
We could maybe try
to write a check later on,
1517
01:39:56,100 --> 01:39:58,146
or like I said,
we could send you guys some CDs.
1518
01:39:58,147 --> 01:40:00,674
City folk are always trying to solve things
with money.
1519
01:40:00,675 --> 01:40:02,756
It's the spirit of the community
around here.
1520
01:40:02,757 --> 01:40:05,219
Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.
1521
01:40:05,220 --> 01:40:07,875
Keep him safe on the road.
1522
01:40:07,876 --> 01:40:10,914
Help him to aspire
to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.
1523
01:40:10,915 --> 01:40:12,067
- Help him to...
- Thanks.
1524
01:40:12,068 --> 01:40:14,050
- Okay, thanks, man.
- Thanks, man. We gotta roll.
1525
01:40:14,051 --> 01:40:16,003
- Amen.
- We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.
1526
01:40:16,004 --> 01:40:17,602
All right, boys.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
1527
01:40:17,603 --> 01:40:20,513
I loved your penis on the Internet,
by the way.
1528
01:40:20,514 --> 01:40:22,851
- Fucking asshole!
- You're a dick!
1529
01:40:22,852 --> 01:40:25,353
(I DON'T CARE PLAYING)
1530
01:40:38,018 --> 01:40:41,792
Say my name and his in the same breath
1531
01:40:41,793 --> 01:40:45,185
I dare you to say they taste the same
1532
01:40:45,186 --> 01:40:48,641
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
1533
01:40:48,642 --> 01:40:52,128
And let December glow feel flames
1534
01:40:52,129 --> 01:40:55,169
Brace myself and let go
1535
01:40:55,170 --> 01:40:58,655
Start it over again in Mexico
1536
01:40:58,656 --> 01:41:02,367
These friends, they don't love you
1537
01:41:02,368 --> 01:41:05,953
They just love the hotel suites, now
1538
01:41:05,954 --> 01:41:08,961
I don't care what you think
1539
01:41:08,962 --> 01:41:12,607
As long as it's about me
1540
01:41:12,608 --> 01:41:15,743
The best of us can find happiness
1541
01:41:15,744 --> 01:41:19,134
In misery
1542
01:41:19,135 --> 01:41:22,653
Said, I don't care what you think
1543
01:41:22,654 --> 01:41:26,367
As long as it's about me
1544
01:41:26,368 --> 01:41:29,567
The best of us can find happiness
1545
01:41:29,568 --> 01:41:31,970
In misery
1546
01:41:37,023 --> 01:41:40,478
Oh, take a chance,
let your body get a tolerance
1547
01:41:40,479 --> 01:41:43,325
I'm not a chance,
but a heat wave in your pants
1548
01:41:43,326 --> 01:41:45,854
Pull a breath like another cigarette
1549
01:41:45,855 --> 01:41:48,923
Palms up, I'm trading 'em
1550
01:41:49,024 --> 01:41:50,846
Trading 'em
1551
01:41:50,847 --> 01:41:54,205
I'm the oracle in my chest
1552
01:41:54,206 --> 01:41:57,053
Let the guitar scream like a fascist
1553
01:41:57,054 --> 01:41:58,748
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
1554
01:41:58,749 --> 01:42:00,540
Free love on the streets
1555
01:42:00,541 --> 01:42:04,476
But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, now
1556
01:42:04,477 --> 01:42:07,887
I don't care what you think
1557
01:42:07,888 --> 01:42:11,228
As long as it's about me
1558
01:42:11,229 --> 01:42:14,236
The best of us can find happiness
1559
01:42:14,237 --> 01:42:17,628
In misery
1560
01:42:17,629 --> 01:42:21,211
Said, I don't care what you think
1561
01:42:21,212 --> 01:42:24,923
As long as it's about me
1562
01:42:24,924 --> 01:42:27,999
The best of us can find happiness
1563
01:42:28,000 --> 01:42:30,335
In misery
1564
01:42:41,659 --> 01:42:45,306
Said I don't care just what you think
1565
01:42:45,307 --> 01:42:48,539
As long as it's about me
1566
01:42:48,540 --> 01:42:51,866
Said I don't care just what you think
1567
01:42:51,867 --> 01:42:55,417
As long as it's about me
1568
01:42:55,418 --> 01:42:58,906
Said I don't care, I don't care
1569
01:42:58,907 --> 01:43:02,361
Said I don't care, I don't care
1570
01:43:02,362 --> 01:43:08,728
Said I don't care, I don't care
1571
01:43:08,729 --> 01:43:09,754
No, I don't
1572
01:43:09,755 --> 01:43:13,049
I don't care, I don't care
1573
01:43:13,050 --> 01:43:16,761
I don't care
1574
01:43:16,762 --> 01:43:19,609
I don't care what you think
1575
01:43:19,610 --> 01:43:23,352
As long as it's about me
1576
01:43:23,353 --> 01:43:26,423
The best of us can find happiness
1577
01:43:26,424 --> 01:43:29,751
In misery
1578
01:43:29,752 --> 01:43:33,176
Said I don't care what you think
1579
01:43:33,177 --> 01:43:36,823
As long as it's about me
1580
01:43:36,824 --> 01:43:40,280
The best of us can find happiness
1581
01:43:40,281 --> 01:43:46,808
In misery
1582
01:44:35,702 --> 01:44:38,069
BRAND Y'S DAD: This is a serious matter.
1583
01:44:38,070 --> 01:44:39,092
Run for your life.
1584
01:44:39,093 --> 01:44:41,460
MAN 1: Oh, shit! You know what?
We see the fake balls on the table there.
1585
01:44:41,461 --> 01:44:42,868
(CREW EXCLAIMING)
1586
01:44:42,869 --> 01:44:46,298
MAN 2: All right. We'll shoot another. Cut.
MAN 3: Cut.