1 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:35,030 - You wanted to see me, Doctor? - Have you seen Mrs Vogler, Sister? 2 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,158 - No, not yet. - Then I'll fill you in 3 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:42,632 and give you the reasons why you're to care for her. 4 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:48,670 Mrs Vogler is an actress as you know and was performing in Electra. 5 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,913 In the middle of the play she fell silent and looked around as if in surprise. 6 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:56,038 She remained quiet for a minute. 7 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:13,518 Afterwards she excused herself by saying she was overcome by laughter. 8 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:18,196 The next day the theatre rang and asked if she'd forgotten her rehearsal. 9 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,750 When the housekeeper went in she was still in bed. 10 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:26,232 She was awake but didn't answer questions and didn't move. 11 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:31,758 She's been like this for three months and been given every conceivable test. 12 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:37,199 The result is clear. She's perfectly healthy, both mentally and physically. 13 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,114 It's not even a question of some kind of hysterical reaction. 14 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:43,794 Any questions, Sister Alma? 15 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,635 No? Then you can go in to Mrs Vogler. 16 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:00,593 Good day, Mrs Vogler. My name is Sister Alma. 17 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,355 I've been employed to look after you for a while. 18 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,838 Perhaps I should tell you about myself. I'm 25, engaged... 19 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,788 I got my nursing certificate two years ago. 20 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:21,592 My parents have a farm. My mother was also a nurse before she married. 21 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,751 I'll fetch the dinner tray. 22 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,754 It's fried liver and fruit salad. It looks really good. 23 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:34,479 Do you want to raise your head? Is it okay like that? 24 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,878 Sister Alma. What's your first impression? 25 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,838 I don't know what to say, Doctor. 26 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:53,950 First her face looks soft, almost childish. Then you see her eyes... 27 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,237 She's got such a severe look, I think. 28 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,552 - I don't know, I should... - What were you thinking? 29 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:06,396 - I thought I should refuse the job. - Did something frighten you? 30 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:12,556 No, but she should have a nurse who's older and more experienced. 31 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:17,350 - Experienced in life. I may not cope. - Cope? 32 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,636 Mentally. 33 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,958 If Mrs Vogler's silence and immobility is the result of a decision... 34 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,192 - it must be as she's seen as healthy. - Well? 35 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:33,753 It's a decision that shows great mental strength. Perhaps I'm not up to it. 36 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,918 You might like to see the dusk, Mrs Vogler. I can draw them later. 37 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,873 Shall I turn on the radio? There's a play, l think. 38 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:54,593 Forgive me, my darling. Oh, you must forgive me, 39 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,799 I don't desire anything other than your forgiveness. 40 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:04,476 What are you laughing at, Mrs Vogler? Is it the actress that's funny? 41 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:09,794 What do you know about compassion? What do you know? 42 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,679 What do you know about compassion? 43 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,835 I don't understand things like that, Mrs Vogler. 44 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,516 I'm interested in film and theatre, but I go so seldom. 45 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,150 I have enormous admiration for artists. 46 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,233 I think art has an enormous importance in life. 47 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:38,428 Especially for people who have problems of some kind. 48 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:43,310 I shouldn't talk to you about things like that. I'm skating on thin ice. 49 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,631 I'll see if I can find some music. 50 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,631 Is that good? 51 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,078 Good night, Mrs Vogler. Sleep well. 52 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,151 Damn! 53 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:54,952 It's strange. You go around almost any old how. 54 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,874 Do almost any old thing. 55 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:05,399 I'll marry Karl-Henrik and we'll have a few children that I'll raise. 56 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:10,155 All that is decided. It's inside of me. 57 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,710 It's nothing to ponder over. 58 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,952 It's a huge feeling of security. 59 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:21,193 Then I have a job that I like and am happy with. 60 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:25,353 That's good too. But in another way. 61 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,597 But it's good... good. 62 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,752 It's good. 63 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,275 I wonder what's really wrong with her? 64 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,870 Elisabeth Vogler... 65 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,229 Elisabeth. 66 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,029 Would you like me to open the letter, Mrs Vogler? 67 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,031 Shall I read it? 68 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,790 Shall I read it to you? 69 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:58,033 "Dear Elisabeth: As I'm not allowed to see you, I'm writing." 70 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,273 "If you don't want to read my letter, you can ignore it." 71 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:08,237 "I can't help seeking this contact with you" 72 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,836 "as I'm tormented by a constant question:" 73 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,996 "Have I harmed you in some way? Have I hurt you without knowing?" 74 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,756 "Has some terrible misunderstanding arisen between us?" 75 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,514 Should I really read any more? 76 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:43,997 "As far as I understood, we were happy recently. We've never been..." 77 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,357 "as close to one another." 78 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:54,477 "Do you remember saying: Now I understand what marriage means?" 79 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:59,998 "You have taught me..." I can't see what's written here. 80 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,118 "You have taught..." Now I see... 81 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:09,594 "You've taught me that we must see each other as two anxious children" 82 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,594 "filled with good will and the best intentions." 83 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,558 "But gov..." 84 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:22,670 Now I see it. "But governed by forces we only partially control." 85 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,310 "Do you remember saying all of that?" 86 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:31,873 "We were walking in the woods and you stopped and held my belt..." 87 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,275 There was a photograph with the letter as well. 88 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,718 It's a photograph of your son. I don't know if... 89 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,429 Would you like it, Mrs Vogler? 90 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,273 He looks awfully sweet. 91 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:30,192 I've been thinking, Elisabeth. I don't think you should remain at the hospital. 92 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,194 I think it's harmful. As you don't want to go home, 93 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:39,275 you and Sister Alma can move out to my summer place by the sea. Hmm? 94 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:46,238 Don't you think I understand? The hopeless dream of being. 95 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,789 Not seeming, but being. 96 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,838 Conscious at every moment. Vigilant. 97 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,708 At the same time the chasm between what you are to others and to yourself. 98 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:06,352 The feeling of vertigo and the constant desire to at last be exposed. 99 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:13,509 To be seen through, cut down, perhaps even annihilated. 100 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:21,154 Every tone of voice a lie, every gesture a falsehood, every smile a grimace. 101 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,995 Commit suicide? Oh, no. 102 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,439 That's ugly. You don't do that. 103 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:35,277 But you can be immobile, you can fall silent. Then at least you don't lie. 104 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,716 You can close yourself in, shut yourself off. 105 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:43,635 Then you don't have to play roles, show any faces or make false gestures. 106 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,916 You think... 107 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:51,795 But you see, reality is bloody-minded. Your hideout isn't watertight. 108 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,396 Life seeps in everything. 109 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,309 You're forced to react. 110 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:06,832 No one asks if it's real or unreal, if you're true or false. 111 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:12,154 It's only in the theatre the question carries weight. Hardly even there. 112 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:18,638 I understand you, Elisabeth. I understand you're keeping silent, you're immobile. 113 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,476 That you've placed this lack of will into a fantastic system. 114 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,030 I understand and admire you. 115 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,637 I think you should maintain this role until it's played out. 116 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,554 Until it's no longer interesting. Then you can leave it. 117 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:40,919 Just as you bit by bit leave all your other roles. 118 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:50,038 Mrs Mogler and Sister Alma moved out to the doctor's house in late summer. 119 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,472 The sojourn near the sea had a favourable effect on the actress. 120 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:59,031 The apathy that had crippled her in hospital yields to long walks, 121 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,671 fishing trips, cooking, letter writing and other diversions. 122 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:09,392 Sister Alma enjoys her rural seclusion and takes utmost care of her patient. 123 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,759 Don't you know it's bad luck to compare hands? 124 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:15,635 Elisabeth? Can I read you something from my book? 125 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,792 Or am I disturbing you? It says here: 126 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:23,351 "All the anxiety we bear with us, all our thwarted dreams," 127 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:27,911 "the incomprehensible cruelty, our fear of extinction," 128 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,992 "the painful insight into our earthly condition," 129 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:36,996 "have slowly eroded our hope of an other-wordly salvation." 130 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,991 "The howl of our faith and doubt against the darkness and silence," 131 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,994 "is one of the most awful proofs of our abandonment" 132 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:50,199 "and our terrified, unuttered knowledge." 133 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,158 Do you think it's like that? 134 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,316 I don't believe it. 135 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:04,393 Making changes... The worst thing with me is I'm so lazy. 136 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,872 And then I get a bad conscience. Karl-Henrik scolds me for lacking ambition. 137 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,999 He says I go around like a sleepwalker. I think that's unfair. 138 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:18,598 I was best in my group with the exams. But he probably means something else. 139 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,038 You know... 140 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,034 Oh, sorry. You know what I sometimes think of? 141 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,751 At the hospital where I did my exam, there's a home for old nurses. 142 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:36,517 Ones that have always been nurses, lived for their work. Always in uniform. 143 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:42,437 They live in their small rooms. Imagine devoting your whole life to something. 144 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,479 I mean, believing in something. Accomplishing something. 145 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:51,395 Believing that one's life has a purpose. I like things like that. 146 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,473 Sticking to one thing doggedly, irrespective. I think one ought to. 147 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:01,469 Mean something to other people. Don't you think so as well? 148 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,789 I know it sounds childish, but I believe in it. 149 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,472 Goodness, it's raining a lot! 150 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:19,034 Oh, yes. He was married. We had a relationship for five years. 151 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,033 Then he got tired, of course. 152 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,875 I was very much in love, that's for sure. And he was the first. 153 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:29,430 I remember it all like a long torment. 154 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,997 Long periods of pain and then short moments when... 155 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:40,757 I'm thinking of it as you've taught me to smoke. He smoked loads. 156 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:45,675 Thinking of it afterwards, it's really banal. A real pulp fiction. 157 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,318 In a strange way it was never really real. 158 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:57,157 I don't know how to describe it. At least, I was never quite real to him. 159 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:02,518 My pain was real, that's for sure. 160 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,754 Somehow it was is if it was part of it in some nasty way. 161 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,151 As if that's how it was supposed to be. 162 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,154 Even the things we said to each other... 163 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:25,594 Many people have told me that I'm a good listener. Funny, huh? 164 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:31,153 No one's ever bothered to listen to me. Like you are now. You're listening. 165 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,949 I think you're the first person who's listened to me. 166 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,511 It can't be interesting at all. You could read a good book instead. 167 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,956 God, I'm going on. You're not getting irritated? 168 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,430 It's so nice to talk. It feels so nice and warm. 169 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,149 I feel like I've never felt in my whole life. 170 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:56,392 I always wanted a sister. I only have a load of brothers. Seven. 171 00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:01,714 Funny, huh? Then I come along. I've been surrounded by boys all my life. 172 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:09,593 I like boys. But you would know that with all your experience as an actress. 173 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:16,517 I really like Karl-Henrik. But, you know, you only love once. 174 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:21,993 I'm faithful to him. In my profession there are opportunities, I can tell you. 175 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:29,271 Karl-Henrik and I had hired a cottage by the sea. 176 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,837 It was June, we were all alone. 177 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,710 One day when Karl-Henrik had gone into town, I went to the beach alone. 178 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,919 It was really nice and warm. 179 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,629 There was another girl there. She lived on an island nearby, 180 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:52,039 but had come over as our beach lay to the south and was more relaxed. 181 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,472 So we lay beside one another completely naked and sunbathed. 182 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:02,469 We slept a little, woke up, and put on some oil. 183 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:07,469 We wore these hats on our heads, you know, those cheap straw hats. 184 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,956 I had a blue ribbon around my hat. 185 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,990 I lay looking out from under the hat, 186 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:20,159 glanced out at the landscape, the sea and the sun. 187 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,396 It was so curious. 188 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:32,675 Suddenly I saw two figures jumping about on the rocks above us. 189 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,190 They hid and peeped out occasionally. 190 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:43,111 "There are two boys looking at us", I said to her. Her name was Katarina. 191 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,074 "Well, let them look", she said, and turned on her back. 192 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,358 It was such a strange feeling. 193 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:56,031 I wanted to run and put on my costume, but I just lay still... 194 00:27:56,160 --> 00:28:02,349 On my belly with my bum in the air, totally unembarrassed, totally calm. 195 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:11,029 All the time I had Katarina beside me with her breasts and thick thighs. 196 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:15,233 She just lay there giggling a little to herself. 197 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:22,633 Then I saw the boys had come nearer. They just stood looking at us. 198 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:27,268 I saw that they were terribly young. 199 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:32,076 Then one of them, the bravest one, 200 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:36,273 he came up to us and squatted down beside Katarina. 201 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:42,316 He pretended to be busy with his foot and sat poking between his toes. 202 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:46,035 I felt totally strange. 203 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,672 Suddenly I heard Katarina say: 204 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,952 "Aren't you going to come over here?" 205 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:59,278 Then she took his hand and helped him take his jeans and shirt off. 206 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:05,430 Suddenly he was over her and she helped him in and held his behind. 207 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,313 The other boy just sat on the slope and watched. 208 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:16,150 I heard Katarina whisper in his ear and laugh. 209 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,750 I had his face right next to me. 210 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:23,429 It was all red and swollen. 211 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:29,518 Suddenly I turned over and said, "Aren't you going to come to me too?" 212 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:36,158 Katarina said, "Go to her now". And he pulled out of her and... 213 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,831 he fell over me, completely hard. He took hold of one breast. 214 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,919 God, it hurt so much... 215 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:49,955 I was all ready somehow, I came at once. Can you understand that? 216 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:54,517 I was just going to tell him, "Be careful so that I don't get pregnant", 217 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:57,552 when he came. I felt... 218 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:03,073 I felt it like I'd never felt it before how he sprayed his seed into me. 219 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:09,398 He gripped my shoulders and bent backwards. I came over and over. 220 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:17,111 Katarina lay on her side looking and she held him from behind. 221 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:25,118 When he came she embraced him and made herself come with his hand. 222 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:30,039 And when she came she screamed really loud. 223 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,917 Then all three of us started laughing. 224 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:43,397 We called the other boy sitting on the slope. His name was Peter. 225 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:52,717 He came down all confused, looking frozen in the sunshine. 226 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:59,990 Katarina unbuttoned his trousers and started playing with him. 227 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,351 When he came she took him in her mouth. 228 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,637 He bent down and started kissing her on the back. 229 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,992 She turned around, took his head in both hands and gave him her breast. 230 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:16,079 The other boy got so excited, so he and I started again. 231 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,353 It was as nice as the first time. 232 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:27,672 Then we swam and parted. When I came back, Karl-Henrik had returned. 233 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:35,715 We ate dinner together and drank the red wine he had with him. 234 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,912 Then we slept together. 235 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:45,068 It's never been as good, before or since. Can you understand that? 236 00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,713 Then I fell pregnant, of course. 237 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:54,550 Karl-Henrik, who's studying medicine, took me to a friend who aborted it. 238 00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:00,152 We were both happy. We didn't want any children. 239 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,556 Not just then, anyway. 240 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:14,596 It doesn't make sense. None of it fits together. 241 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:20,039 Then you get a bad conscience over small things. Can you understand? 242 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:25,792 What happens to everything you believe in? Isn't it necessary? 243 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:32,634 Can you be one and the same person at the same time? 244 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,878 I mean, was I two people...? God, I'm being silly... 245 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:41,152 I don't have any reason to start snivelling, anyway. 246 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:44,431 Wait, I'm going to fetch a tissue. 247 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:09,314 It's nearly morning... and it's still raining. 248 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:20,800 Imagine, I've been talking in a stream. I've talked and you've listened to me. 249 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:25,948 How boring for you. Of what interest can my life be to you? 250 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,435 One should be like you. 251 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,191 You know what I thought when I saw your film that night? 252 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:40,031 When I came home I saw myself in the mirror and thought: we're alike. 253 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:44,233 Don't misunderstand me, you're much prettier, but we are alike in a way. 254 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:48,990 I think I could turn myself into you. If I made a real effort. 255 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:51,076 I mean inside. 256 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:56,997 You could turn yourself into me just like that. 257 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:02,194 Although your soul would be much too big. It would stick out everywhere! 258 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:10,035 You should go to bed now. Otherwise you'll fall asleep at the table. 259 00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:27,635 No, I must go to bed. Otherwise I'll fall asleep at the table. 260 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:31,070 That would be a little too uncomfortable. 261 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,437 Good night. 262 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:30,231 Listen, Elisabeth... 263 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,637 Did you speak to me last night? 264 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,952 Were you in my room last night? 265 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,153 Shall I take your mail as well? 266 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,837 Can I have a taste? 267 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,516 Bye. 268 00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:05,875 My dear, I'd always like to live like this. This silence, living cut off, 269 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:10,835 this feeling of the battered soul finally beginning to straighten out. 270 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:19,037 Alma's spoiling me in the most moving manner. 271 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:26,359 I think, by the way, that she's enjoying herself and is quite taken with me, 272 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:32,396 even smitten in an unconscious and delightful way. It's fun studying her. 273 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:44,153 Sometimes she cries over past sins, 274 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,279 an episodic orgy with a totally strange boy followed by an abortion. 275 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:52,797 She complains that her notions of life don't accord with her actions. 276 00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:28,995 I see you're reading a play? That's a healthy sign, I'll tell the doctor. 277 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:36,716 Don't you think we should leave soon? I'm starting to miss town. 278 00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:39,877 Aren't you? 279 00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,558 Would you like to make me really happy? 280 00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:01,512 I know it's a sacrifice, but I need your help right now. 281 00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:05,918 It's nothing dangerous. But I want you to talk to me. 282 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:11,512 Doesn't have to be special. Anything, what we're having for dinner, 283 00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:16,714 or if you think the water's cold after the storm. If it's too cold to swim. 284 00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:19,798 We only need to talk a few minutes. One minute. 285 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:24,232 You can read from your book. Just say a few words. 286 00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:30,718 I must try not to get angry. You remain silent and that's your business. 287 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:34,310 But now I need you to talk to me. 288 00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:39,989 My dear woman, can't you say just a single word? 289 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:47,632 I knew you'd refuse. You can't know how l feel. 290 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:54,597 I always thought great artists felt great compassion for other people. 291 00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:59,589 That they created from a sense of great sympathy and a need to help. 292 00:47:59,720 --> 00:48:02,473 That was stupid of me. 293 00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:10,473 You've used me. Now that you don't need me you just throw me away. 294 00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:15,108 Yes, I hear very well how it sounds, how false it sounds! 295 00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:19,028 You've used me, now you're discarding me. Every word! 296 00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:21,355 And then these glasses! 297 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:34,155 You've really hurt me. You've laughed at me behind my back. 298 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:38,594 I read the letter you sent to the doctor. 299 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:43,550 Just think, it wasn't sealed! And I read it thoroughly! 300 00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:49,116 You got me to talk. You got me to tell you things I've never told anyone. 301 00:48:49,240 --> 00:48:53,358 And you hand it on. What a study, huh?! You're not... 302 00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:59,274 You're going to talk now! If you've got anything to say, you're bloody well... 303 00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:14,918 No, stop it! 304 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:27,593 You were really scared now, huh? 305 00:49:29,240 --> 00:49:33,392 For a second you were genuinely scared, not so? 306 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:38,913 A genuine fear of death, huh? Alma's gone crazy, you thought. 307 00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:42,280 What kind of person are you, really? 308 00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:45,875 Or do you think like this: I'll remember that face. 309 00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:51,512 That tone of voice, that expression. I'll give you something you won't forget! 310 00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:15,430 You're laughing, are you? 311 00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:20,998 It's not so simple for me. Not so funny, either. 312 00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:24,192 But you've always got your laugh. 313 00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:48,630 Must it be like this? 314 00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:53,879 Is it really important not to lie, to speak the truth, 315 00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:57,231 to talk with a genuine tone of voice? 316 00:51:57,360 --> 00:52:00,591 Can one live at all without talking freely? 317 00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:05,748 Lie and deviate and evade things. 318 00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:11,113 Isn't it better to allow yourself to be lazy and sloppy, untruthful? 319 00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:17,914 Maybe you become a little better if you just let yourself be what you are. 320 00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:24,792 No, you don't understand. You don't understand what I'm saying. 321 00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:27,275 You are inaccessible. 322 00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:31,313 They said you were mentally healthy, but your madness is the worst. 323 00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:35,638 You're acting healthy. You do it so well everyone believes you. 324 00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:39,719 Everyone except me, because I know how rotten you are. 325 00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:46,797 What am I doing? 326 00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:52,193 Elisabeth! Elisabeth, forgive me. 327 00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,710 I behaved like an idiot, don't know what got into me. 328 00:52:55,840 --> 00:53:00,595 I'm here to help you. Then there was that awful letter. 329 00:53:00,720 --> 00:53:05,430 I was so disappointed. You asked me to talk about myself. 330 00:53:06,280 --> 00:53:10,159 It was nice, you looked so understanding, I'd drunk a lot... 331 00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:13,670 It was so nice to talk about it all. 332 00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:19,272 I was also flattered that a great actress cared to listen to me. 333 00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:24,315 Somehow I thought it would be nice if it was of some use to you. 334 00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:28,268 But it's terrible, isn't it? Sheer exhibitionism. 335 00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:31,233 Elisabeth, I want you to forgive me. 336 00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:34,432 I like you so much, you mean so much to me. 337 00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:38,314 I've learned so much from you, I don't want to part as enemies. 338 00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:04,279 You don't want to forgive me. You're too proud! 339 00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:07,949 You won't lower yourself because you don't need to! 340 00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:11,629 I won't, I won't...! 341 00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:11,118 We don't talk, don't listen, understand. 342 00:58:14,840 --> 00:58:19,914 - Elisabeth? - What means should, to enable. 343 00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:05,989 When you sleep your face is slack. 344 00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:11,634 Your mouth is swollen and ugly. 345 00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:17,632 You have a nasty wrinkle on your forehead. 346 00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:27,390 You smell of sleep and tears. 347 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:34,034 I can see the pulse on your throat. 348 00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:38,119 You have a scar you normally cover with make-up. 349 00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:42,076 Elisabeth! 350 00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:45,434 He's calling again. 351 00:59:46,480 --> 00:59:49,472 I'll find out what he wants from us. 352 00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:53,269 Out here, far away in our loneliness. 353 01:00:14,600 --> 01:00:16,238 Elisabeth? 354 01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:20,868 Elisabeth? Sorry if I frightened you. 355 01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:26,675 - I'm not Elisabeth. - I don't have any demands. 356 01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:31,112 I didn't want to disturb you. Don't you think I understand? 357 01:00:31,240 --> 01:00:35,074 The doctor explained a number of things to me. 358 01:00:35,200 --> 01:00:40,638 The most difficult thing is explaining to the little boy. I'm doing my best. 359 01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:47,189 There is something that lies deeper, that is hard to catch sight of. 360 01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:51,677 You love someone, or more correctly, say you love someone, it's... 361 01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:56,749 It's understandable. Tangible as words are, that is. 362 01:00:56,880 --> 01:01:00,270 Mr Vogler, I'm not your wife. 363 01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:05,030 You are also loved. You build a little fellowship. 364 01:01:05,160 --> 01:01:10,757 It generates security. You see the possibility of enduring, not so? 365 01:01:12,800 --> 01:01:18,636 How can I say everything I've thought without losing my way, boring you? 366 01:01:26,760 --> 01:01:30,639 I love you, as much as I did before. 367 01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:41,909 No, don't be so anxious, my darling. We have one another. 368 01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:45,077 We have faith, know each other's thoughts. 369 01:01:45,200 --> 01:01:48,909 We love one another. It's true isn't it? 370 01:01:49,040 --> 01:01:53,352 It's the effort that's most important, not what we achieve. Isn't it? 371 01:01:55,880 --> 01:02:00,510 To see each other as children. Tormented, helpless, lonely children. 372 01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:06,112 - Elisabeth. - Tell the boy that I'm coming soon. 373 01:02:06,240 --> 01:02:10,028 Mummy's been sick, but she's longing for her little boy. 374 01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:15,188 Remember to buy a present for him. From Mummy, don't forget. 375 01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:19,074 You know I feel such tenderness for you. 376 01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:24,438 It's difficult to bear. 377 01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:28,873 I don't know what to do with my tenderness. 378 01:02:29,520 --> 01:02:32,080 I live from your tenderness. 379 01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:38,554 Elisabeth, do you like being with me? Is it nice? 380 01:02:41,080 --> 01:02:45,835 - You're a wonderful lover. You know. - My darling... 381 01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:51,389 Anaesthetise me... throw me away! 382 01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:54,478 No, I can't, I can't take any more! 383 01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:58,593 Leave me alone! It's shame, it's all shame! 384 01:02:58,720 --> 01:03:03,555 Leave me alone! I'm cold and rotten and indifferent! 385 01:03:03,680 --> 01:03:07,355 It's all just lies and imitation, all of it! 386 01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:17,190 Elisabeth, what have you got there? 387 01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:22,118 What are you hiding under your hand? Let me see. 388 01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:29,318 It's the photo of your little boy. The one you tore up. 389 01:03:29,440 --> 01:03:31,556 We must talk about that. 390 01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,588 Tell me about it, Elisabeth. 391 01:03:42,440 --> 01:03:44,556 Then I will. 392 01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:50,713 It was one night at a party, isn't that so? It got late and quite rowdy. 393 01:03:52,360 --> 01:03:56,069 Towards morning someone in the group said: 394 01:03:56,200 --> 01:04:00,591 "Elisabeth, you virtually have it all in your armoury as a woman and artist." 395 01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:03,598 "But you lack motherliness." 396 01:04:04,440 --> 01:04:08,035 You laughed because you thought it sounded silly. 397 01:04:08,160 --> 01:04:12,551 But after a while you noticed you thought about what he'd said. 398 01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:19,471 You became more and more worried. You let your husband impregnate you. 399 01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:22,637 You wanted to be a mother. 400 01:04:22,760 --> 01:04:26,355 When you realized it was definite, you became frightened. 401 01:04:26,480 --> 01:04:32,191 Frightened of responsibility, of being tied down, of leaving the theatre. 402 01:04:32,320 --> 01:04:38,555 Frightened of pain, of dying, frightened of your body swelling up. 403 01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:44,198 But you played the role. The role of a happy, young, expectant mother. 404 01:04:45,520 --> 01:04:50,230 Everyone said, "Isn't she beautiful? She's never been so beautiful." 405 01:04:53,040 --> 01:04:57,670 Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus several times. 406 01:04:57,800 --> 01:05:00,234 But you failed. 407 01:05:00,360 --> 01:05:04,831 When you saw it was irreversible, you started to hate the baby. 408 01:05:04,960 --> 01:05:08,509 And you wished it would be stillborn. 409 01:05:10,760 --> 01:05:13,957 You wished the baby would be dead. 410 01:05:15,680 --> 01:05:18,240 You wished for a dead baby. 411 01:05:22,920 --> 01:05:25,753 It was a difficult and long delivery. 412 01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:31,716 You were in agony for days. Finally the baby was delivered with forceps. 413 01:05:31,840 --> 01:05:35,879 You looked with disgust and terror at your squealing baby and whispered: 414 01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,276 "Can't you die soon? Can't you die?" 415 01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:42,996 But he survived. 416 01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:47,193 The boy screamed day and night. 417 01:05:49,960 --> 01:05:55,876 And you hated him. You were scared, you had a bad conscience. 418 01:05:58,160 --> 01:06:02,199 Finally the boy was taken care of by relatives and a nanny. 419 01:06:02,320 --> 01:06:06,791 You could get up from your sickbed and return to the theatre. 420 01:06:08,920 --> 01:06:12,435 But the suffering wasn't over. 421 01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:17,554 The boy was gripped by a massive and unfathomable love for his mother. 422 01:06:17,680 --> 01:06:22,117 You defend yourself. You defend yourself in despair. 423 01:06:22,240 --> 01:06:28,475 You feel you can't return it. So you try, and you try... 424 01:06:28,600 --> 01:06:32,070 But there are only cruel and clumsy meetings between you. 425 01:06:32,200 --> 01:06:36,990 You can't do it. You're cold and indifferent. 426 01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:42,148 He looks at you. He loves you and he's so gentle. 427 01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:46,239 You want to hit him because he doesn't leave you alone. 428 01:06:46,360 --> 01:06:50,353 You think he's disgusting with his thick mouth and ugly body. 429 01:06:50,480 --> 01:06:54,951 His moist and pleading eyes. He's disgusting and you're scared. 430 01:06:59,080 --> 01:07:03,676 What are you hiding under your hand? Let me see. 431 01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:11,235 It's the photo of your little boy. The one you tore up. 432 01:07:11,360 --> 01:07:13,430 We must talk about it. 433 01:07:21,800 --> 01:07:24,189 Tell me about it, Elisabeth. 434 01:07:26,800 --> 01:07:28,677 Then I will. 435 01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:34,670 It was one night at a party, isn't that right? 436 01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:38,634 It got late and quite rowdy. 437 01:07:38,760 --> 01:07:42,355 Towards morning someone in the group said: 438 01:07:42,480 --> 01:07:47,270 "Elisabeth, you virtually have it all in your armoury as a woman and artist." 439 01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:49,960 "But you lack motherliness." 440 01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:55,439 You laughed because you thought it sounded silly. 441 01:07:55,560 --> 01:07:59,633 But after a while you noticed you thought about what he'd said. 442 01:07:59,760 --> 01:08:05,073 You became more and more worried. You let your husband impregnate you. 443 01:08:07,000 --> 01:08:10,356 You wanted to be a mother. 444 01:08:11,560 --> 01:08:15,838 When you realized it was definite, you became frightened. 445 01:08:15,960 --> 01:08:22,274 Frightened of responsibility, of being tied down, of leaving the theatre. 446 01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:27,713 Frightened of pain, of dying, frightened of your body swelling up. 447 01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:35,712 But you played the role. The role of a happy, young, expectant mother. 448 01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:41,955 Everyone said, "Isn't she beautiful? She's never been so beautiful." 449 01:08:42,720 --> 01:08:46,759 Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus several times. 450 01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:48,916 But you failed. 451 01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:53,437 When you saw it was irreversible... 452 01:08:54,400 --> 01:08:57,358 you started to hate the baby. 453 01:08:58,560 --> 01:09:01,836 And you wished it would be stillborn. 454 01:09:04,360 --> 01:09:07,397 You wished the baby would be dead. 455 01:09:11,320 --> 01:09:14,232 You wished for a dead baby. 456 01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:21,236 The delivery was difficult and long. 457 01:09:21,360 --> 01:09:27,230 You were in agony for days. Finally the baby was delivered with forceps. 458 01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:32,078 You looked with disgust and terror at your squealing baby and whispered: 459 01:09:32,200 --> 01:09:36,159 "Can't you die soon? Can't you die?" 460 01:09:36,720 --> 01:09:41,430 The boy screamed day and night. And you hated him. 461 01:09:42,120 --> 01:09:46,159 You were scared, you had a bad conscience. 462 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:51,593 Finally the boy was taken care of by relatives and a nanny. 463 01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:55,633 You could get up from your sickbed and return to the theatre. 464 01:09:57,560 --> 01:10:00,518 But the suffering wasn't over. 465 01:10:01,760 --> 01:10:06,959 The boy was gripped by a massive and unfathomable love for his mother. 466 01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:12,677 You defend yourself in despair. You feel you can't return it. 467 01:10:12,800 --> 01:10:15,360 So you try, and you try... 468 01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:19,869 But there are only cruel and clumsy meetings between you. 469 01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:25,518 You can't do it. You're cold and indifferent. 470 01:10:25,640 --> 01:10:30,668 He looks at you. He loves you and he's so gentle. 471 01:10:30,800 --> 01:10:34,839 You want to hit him because he doesn't leave you alone. 472 01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:38,919 You think he's disgusting with his thick mouth and ugly body. 473 01:10:39,040 --> 01:10:43,955 His moist and pleading eyes. He's disgusting and you're scared. 474 01:10:51,800 --> 01:10:53,870 No! 475 01:10:54,720 --> 01:10:59,635 I'm not like you. I don't feel like you. 476 01:10:59,760 --> 01:11:03,230 I'm Sister Alma, I'm just here to help you. 477 01:11:03,360 --> 01:11:07,876 I'm not Elisabeth Vogler. You are Elisabeth Vogler. 478 01:11:08,000 --> 01:11:10,230 I would like to have... 479 01:11:11,240 --> 01:11:13,151 I love... 480 01:11:15,280 --> 01:11:17,157 I haven't... 481 01:11:49,560 --> 01:11:52,199 I've learnt quite a lot. 482 01:12:05,680 --> 01:12:08,672 We'll see how long I hold out. 483 01:12:13,680 --> 01:12:17,389 I'll never be like you, never. I change all the time. 484 01:12:17,520 --> 01:12:21,229 You can do what you like, you won't get to me anyhow. 485 01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:57,831 Saying doesn't help. Cut a candle. 486 01:12:57,960 --> 01:13:02,750 A kind of otherness. Not now, no. No, no. 487 01:13:03,800 --> 01:13:07,349 Warning and out of time. Unforeseen. 488 01:13:07,480 --> 01:13:11,758 When it was supposed to occur, it didn't occur and so failure. 489 01:13:11,880 --> 01:13:15,509 Yourself where you are. But I should do it. 490 01:13:15,680 --> 01:13:19,992 Not inwards, no... Say collect and advise others... 491 01:13:20,120 --> 01:13:23,669 The disconsolate, perhaps... 492 01:13:27,400 --> 01:13:31,632 Take, yes... but what is closest...? 493 01:13:31,760 --> 01:13:35,673 What's it called...? No, no, no... 494 01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:38,633 Us, we, me, I... 495 01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:44,312 Many words and such nausea... Incomprehensible pain. The throw... 496 01:15:12,800 --> 01:15:18,113 Try and listen to me now. Repeat after me. 497 01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:25,276 Nothing... 498 01:15:27,040 --> 01:15:31,238 Nothing. No, nothing... 499 01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:40,076 Nothing. 500 01:15:40,920 --> 01:15:45,994 That's it. That's good. That's how it should be.